Listening At Level 3

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Okay – here’s how this goes.

Listening at Level 1 is – it’s all about me.

Listening at Level 2 is – it’s all about you.

Listening at Level 3 is – it’s all about everything.

This is what I was taught at Coaches Training Institute, where I learned to be a Life Coach.  And it changed my life personally, helped me help you so much more, and is the cornerstone of relating to another human being in a way that allows them to feel HEARD, and for you to feel PRESENT.  And practically NO ONE does it.

So how do you walk around all about everything?

Let’s say you’re sitting over coffee with some guy.  You Riff around in yourself, which is fabulous – that’s what I want you to do, stay in touch with your body and your feelings constantly – and then he talks, and you’re Listening to him at Level 2 by simply being over where he is.  Then you’re responding in Feeling Messages by being with yourself at Level 1 and Riffing, and speaking the Truth – and all the while – you’re AWARE of everything that’s going on around you:

The temperature in the room, the noise level, the air conditioner, the sound of dishes, or cars – and rather than DISTRACTING you from your inner Level 1 Feelings or your Level 2 Listening – it ADDS to the whole thing.

It puts you in CONTEXT.  It makes you feel human.  It keeps you from zeroing in on anything.

In order to do this, you have to sink into yourself, relax your shoulders, do the whole Rori Raye Dance Position, and be WITH everything.

This will mess with your head.

It will interrupt your thinking, because you can’t be spinning/thinking and be WITH everything, in the PRESENT, at the same time.

So try it.

Sit down with a friend or a co-worker, or stand up with the cashier at the market, and try it.

When he or she talks, be at Level 3.  This means NOT at Level 1 – it means over there with him or her – where they are, and also EXPERIENCING everything else in the environment around you.

Try it by yourself. Sit or stand in the middle of the room, wherever you are, and see if you can Listen to everything.  Everything that’s vibrating, or speaking, or sending energy out into the space, or sucking it down.

Relax your body in bits and pieces, shoulders first, then thoughts to pelvis, then relax your vagina and expand it sideways – then move around your body and breathe – and see if you can blend this awareness of your body with an awareness of the sound of birds calling outside the window, or the hum of your computer.

And how does this change your relationship with a man?

Because your entire “vibe” changes when you do this.  You become soft and calm, and so much stronger on the inside.  You become present.  He feels heard, he feels safe – and he feels like he can’t get superficial, stupid stuff past you.  He can feel your depth.  YOU can feel your depth. Feeling Messages get easier.  You’re breathing.

Let me know what it feels like for you, and I’ll be doing it today, right along with you.  Level 3 from here.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1alias girl on February 6, 2009 at 12:59 pm

    i’m so excited i’m so excited! i feel so excited! (first reshi!) i’ve been WAITING despraretly for this post. this helps bc sometimes it is so intense when i listen to someone that they are the only thing that exists. and it is literally in TENSE. I feel tense when i listen like this. it feels draingin. i know what you are talking about though because i have experienced other people listening to me like thi(at level three) and is is so lovely. oh i feel so excited! yae!

  2.  #2alias girl on February 6, 2009 at 2:44 pm

    also this thing about relaxing. when i was doing all my studying on how to manifest (money! love! friends!) i read this one thing that had my relax my whole body before attempting to visualize. so ever since then i have been more aware of how tense my body often is. nothing much can really come to me if i am tense. i am blocking the flow. plus it is really bad for my health.

    i really like this journey. being triggered by this blog and other people both online and off. it feels so much better to like a couple people mentioned to take that pause before Reacting. checking in withmyself about how i Feel. then CHOOSING MY WORDS.

    i like this. i feel happy and excited.

  3.  #3Daria on February 6, 2009 at 3:09 pm

    I feel kinda defensive and guarded. I feel annoyed. I feel annoyed at my men. I feel annoyed annoyed annoyed.

    I feel I am learning.

    I feel doubt of attracting before I become financially successful. I feel I have to be financially successful before I feel romantically successful. I feel pouty lips. I feel drained by my last blog posts and a lot of the online “stuff” that my internet stalker and IM guy created. I feel annoyed. I feel grossed out. I feel ashamed. I feel sigh… that feels good and that feels like smiling. I feel like I’m losing energy out of somewhere… like I’m bleeding out all my energy… I feel pouty lips… I feel sigh… I feel squeezy cheekbones… I feel squeezy mid chest… I love my pouty lips, bleeding feeling, sigh, squeezy cheekbones and mid chest… that feels like hm and smiling…

    I feel overwhelmed

  4.  #4alias girl on February 6, 2009 at 3:59 pm

    daria i leanr so much from you. i have higher self esteem because of you building your own self esteem. when you boldly declare I AM A GODESS to a man. and you share that and i read it i think yes. she is. i am too. i do feel deserving of being treated well. yes, i do.

    i feel very appreciative of you.

    i have been practicing listening at level 3 today. i find conversation so much more fun and interesting. it was such a chore before. yae!

  5.  #5Erika on February 6, 2009 at 5:44 pm

    The nicest thing about deep listening is that it’s very peaceful. You just get to go along for the ride without having any agenda. Really wonderful.

    Btw, I wanted to share this poem with all the girls who may be waiting and hoping for “the One”:

    To me, Rori’s model of circular dating is a way of connecting with the Divine (whatever form the Divine takes for each woman) in such a way that our right mate comes to us… but only after we’ve realized we don’t need our right mate to be happy.


  6.  #6heartbeat on February 6, 2009 at 5:52 pm

    Aaaah yes, Erika – I feel more peaceful when I’m listening and just noticing. It helped me get over my shyness, too.

    Love this post, Rori. Love the bunny ears too. Time to get the bunny tea-set ready again… 🙂 will have to save it til after the weekend though. Love to all til next week XX

  7.  #7heartbeat on February 6, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    oops forgot to tick the box (so i get email) lol!

  8.  #8alias girl on February 6, 2009 at 6:12 pm

    i feel a need to take another break from this blog. i feel amused how my same issues i have with men come up with me even with this blog. i guess it’s me so it makes sense that my same issues would just show up everywhere.

    anyhoo i am on blog vaca.

  9.  #9Ann on February 6, 2009 at 7:51 pm

    I tried this in a room alone. I listened to the tv, electric heater, washer and dryer down the hall, vehicles going down the road, my police scanner. It felt calming and relaxing. I had my eyes shut but I felt connected. I’ve notice before especialy in a confortation, I seem to “hear” better if I shut my eyes and listen.

    But I can’t shut my eyes and listen all the time. I want to make more eye contact.

    I want to practice this with someone else because I feel confused. If I’m listening to everything am I going to hear my fellow human being?

  10.  #10Linda on February 6, 2009 at 8:56 pm

    Cute bunnie with big listening ears. Wonder what level bunnie is listening at? Pay no attention to the woman behind the keyboard…

    I was IMed by some fellow on this dateing site I am on.. I was just about to disconnect when I saw it come thru…I though awe why not. He was such a bore, little one line questions or responses. Trying to be seductive in a way. ugh… gag me with a spoon!… LOL There was a time when I would have clammored for cumb attention like that. Not any more. I told him I was a hard sell and picky. Then bid him adios….. I think I have grown and that makes me happy.

    I feel silly tonite…. off to bed with my sleepy head.

    Blessings Linda


  11.  #11Daria on February 6, 2009 at 9:57 pm

    Thanks Alias girl… I felt loved. Hugs.

  12.  #12Bethany on February 7, 2009 at 12:18 am

    I like this level 3 thing, and it’s almost easier than listening at level 2…which for me can feel like leaning forward when I strain so hard at trying to “be over there” with the other person. If you can relax and take it ALL in, it feels much more Goddess-y…still not “easy” though. I tried it talking to my boyfriend on the phone today and he wanted to talk longer than he ever has before! So that’s good practice. Yay for baby steps, I feel happy about that.

    I admire Erika for her circular dating prowess, but I still timid and unsure about it. Okay, well, if I have a boyfriend but we’re not in a moving-towards-marriage relationship at this point, and me sticking around in our tiny little town/energy bubble is only making him move away from me (because he only puts forth effort when I’m across the effing state), and he has said that he “likes me but I don’t know how much,” but still wanted to have sex, and it felt good, but the next morning didn’t want to because he “has to resist himself because he wants to, and…I need a time lapse to make it special, and…I don’t know if last night was special, maybe it wasn’t…” and all that, and I don’t understand why I’m so hung up on him, yes I do because it’s my self-esteem in tiny shreds, and okay, I’m working slowly with these Tools, but the Circular Dating thing has me completely upended. I feel like it may be in the cards for me, and on one level I WANT to do that, but I don’t want to ruin what I have with my boyfriend…I feel scared that I will shock him and his Catholic sensibilities (and I don’t have anything against Catholics, I love them, just want to make that clear so as not to offend here), and he will accuse me of being a cheater, and tell all our friends, and I will be a BAD person. I feel scared of DISAPPROVAL, but what I want is love and approval and feeling good and a guy who never makes me question his feelings for me and DOESN’T TELL ME HE HAS “ONE FOOT IN AND ONE FOOT OUT,” I feel angry about that, and I feel angry that I can’t refocus my attention as fluidly as I want, and I feel angry that a perfect employment opportunity won’t fall out of the sky into my lap. I want to have a “path” figured out for my life, I want to feel GOOD about my boy energy endeavors, and I want to know that the random job/career path I choose is going to lead to more good things, instead of throwing me off track…I want a fun, exciting, challenging line of work that allows me to connect with others, and I want to use my intuition and emotional capacity to help others learn what I’m learning about myself, and I want beauty and color and softness in my life, and romance and friends who don’t throw resentfulness and negative energy at me, I want friends I can trust who love me for me and not for the ways putting me down can make them feel better about themselves, I want the whole freaking enchilada, and I want health and wealth and exciting experiences, and I feel greedy wanting all this, but I want it, I feel like I want the whole damn thing, and I want it to come to me, I want to lean back and watch it appear for me, and that feels really good, like a peaceful stillness, and I want to know I will have it, and I want to feel strong and unattached to people who don’t want what I want. I want to feel free to throw my energy out there and do good things and have good things come into my life.

  13.  #13Bethany on February 7, 2009 at 12:19 am

    Erika, I really did love your post about “the One.” Beautiful and moving. If you ever want to say more about how you’ve become so successful at circular dating, and handling negative reactions from the guys you date, it would be greatly appreciated.

  14.  #14Reshi on February 7, 2009 at 12:29 am

    I feel a strong agreement with Erika, I do feel that this whole thing is some sort of a Divine plan. And reading the poem confirms that feeling so strongly for me. Thank you SO much for posting it.

    I was browsing through some books on this morning and my heart skipped a beat when I saw Makani’s picture in one of them. I mean, this man was absolutely identical to the way he first showed up in my dream (almost a year ago now). To make a long story short, I now have a grand scheme which will involve moving about 1/4 of the way across the world–and before anyone jumps down my throat, I don’t mean moving to meet that specific man; he actually died before I was born–but it’s so plain to see that the specific kind of loving energy my soul is calling for is not to be found in the city I currently live in.

    I feel like when I finally accepted that my marriage was over, I surrendered to the plans of the Divine, and all this that’s going on inside and outside of me now is Her way of showing me where I need to go. There’s no other way to explain it. Things in my life just started to fall together so quickly after I moved out of the house. One tentative step in a direction I was interested in…and now everything’s blooming all over the place. It feels fucking AWESOME. And it also feels like there’s a lot of work ahead of me, and a lot of moving through fears that I have yet to do.

  15.  #15Daria on February 7, 2009 at 1:00 am

    Man I love that Bunny. And the level 2 donkey.

  16.  #16Tracy on February 7, 2009 at 5:11 am

    I love this post…it teaches so much about just being at the present moment..
    today a friend of mine told me that one of my former classmates is getting married.Now for the past six months nearly all of my friends and former classmates have been getting married and settling down and i am really happy for them..trouble is it triggers me so much as at the moment i dont have any stable relationship and i feel scared that my time is running out and i shud be in a relationship like everyone else…i feel left out and sad each time i have to go for yet another wedding and i wonder when mine will ever happen…
    funny thing is…when i stumbled on this blog i was really into this guy who decided to marry someone else and so all i wanted was to desperately get him back…then when i read all the info on this blog and started working on myself i am now not even sure if i really want this guy anymore,or if even i really liked him in the first place…i feel confused as i feel i’ve only just started figuring myself out for the first time…it feels scary but settling as now i am slowly starting to decide what i really want with my life personally professionally and spiritually….and all this i’ve learnt just from reading this blog and the posts from guyz here and i am really grateful.My only worry is this unsettling feeling that all my friends are settling down and i am just lagging behind….i feel worried that maybe i did something wrong and its late…that maybe this love thing will not happen for me and it feels unsettling……i feel i need time to figure me out to love me some more and to date for awhile coz honestly i havent really dated and met enough guyz to even decide on who i should settle with….
    i’ve learnt so much from this blog and i am becoming a different person each day stil struggling but i feel much happier now…i am learning to listen to others not just myself and to feel through each moment which i feel is so liberating…i feel much better to have shared this…makes me feel open and sensitive…and real.

  17.  #17Reshi on February 7, 2009 at 9:02 am

    Wow, Bethany’s post takes me back to when I first started circular dating. I’m feeling all that uncertainty, all that fear of being called bad and a cheater. And also back to some sexual things in my past. What is it with Catholics?! And yet there is also so much beauty and authenticity in that faith if you know where to find it. I guess maybe what I’m trying to say is that men with sex hang-ups are the ones we seem to attract when we have our own sex hang-ups. I know mine before marriage were HUGE.

    Yesterday I had a soul retrieval healing done and the practitioner told me she had to remove this huge green serpent from my root chakra that was draining my energy. When she mentioned that image I knew she was talking about my religious/sexual judgments of myself as a woman; I was actually surprised that they were still there. I feel so ridiculously full of energy right now, sexual and otherwise, that I don’t know what to do with myself.

    I can’t wait to see Bethany on the other side of the circular dating fence. I can see her feeling so self-assured and getting so much attention that it just blows my fucking mind. Have you started Dating Yourself yet, or doing the 100 men tool from Reconnect? Those are great baby steps that won’t get you called a cheater. 🙂

  18.  #18Linda on February 7, 2009 at 10:52 am

    Bethany: Usings ones religious beliefs as a reason for behaviors like you have indicated is a scam. It has been my experience through the years that 99% of the time the person giving it as an excuse is not being genuine. They are using God as their cover and permission to to cover their insensitivite behavior. He has given you a cowards unchallengable fortress It is sooo manipulative. Challanging his statement in anyway makes could make you even less in his eyes right? I mean who are you, (if you really cared about his wellbeing).. to go up against God? See?

    If his religious believes were that important to him to begin with then he would not have engaged in the activity to begin with. Now… I am not saying that he has not been convicted by God, I did leave a 1% chance, but …. (rolls her eyes).

    I am a believer, been in church leadership, heard thousands of stories. Bethany the reason he gave you is not the reason. My story.. I am embarassed to say is one where I found out just how manipulated you can be by someone you care for deeply. The man I fell for told me he just shouldn’t be with me anymore or stay with me at night anymore, because he needed to get “right with God”…I accepted it changed my life to get “centered in God rightly again”….and all the while he was out meeting and sleeping with other women… the whole time hiding under his failed faith! What a load of CRAP! That was my experience. I am not saying that is yours but anytime you dont see actions following up words, that is a BIG RED FLAG !

    Hugs Linda

  19.  #19Linda on February 7, 2009 at 1:05 pm

    Bethany. I failed to add in my post that regardless of your BF’s reasons, make decisions for you that are good. Just dont let yourself be manipulated by his reasons, Keep your eyes open and listen to your heart. It speaks to you and will give you direction that is protective.


  20.  #20katja on February 7, 2009 at 4:47 pm

    i feel embarrassed today and at the same time confident. it’s been a weird experience yesterday…my boyfriends birthday. i was not able to relax and felt highly insecure the whole evening. i was thinking about my daughter who was at the grandparents house and i just could not lean back and enjoy the party. to begin with, i had been insecure about my clothes. i chose a dress and felt a bit insecure about wearing it because it showed a lot of skin.i felt even more insecure as my boyfriend walked into our bedroom and started laughing at me as he saw me wearing the dress. so i put on another dress. and my boyfriend said again that i don’t look good in this one. all my confidence was gone. i felt so tense and angry at myself. then i chose a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and joined our friends in the living-room. we went to a club soon after and on the way there he didn’t even take my hand and walked beneath me like we had nothing to do with each other. i began to feel angry then and told him. at the club i felt like i didn’t belong there,like not being a part of the partying group. it went worse as one of his friends asked me if everything was alright between my boyfriend and me. i started to cry right there and felt sad,disappointed and angry all at the same time. my boyfriend got extremely drunk and got angry at me for crying. then he was sweet and nice again and kissed me and put his arms around me. but i wanted to leave the party and he got angry at me again. i went to pick up my jacket and he accompanied me. while waiting there he accussed me of cheating on him (which i never did) and told me he would never trust me. he even started yelling at me! i felt so humiliated. i left him there sitting completely drunk and went home. after half an hour he called me and asked me where i was and told me he is waiting for me in front of the club. i told him that i went home and he let me know that he could not remember what had happened before. he came home one hour after his call and i told him to sleep in the living-room and that i don’t let anyone treat me like that and that i felt completely disrespected. he went to the living-room and stayed there the whole day. i stayed in the bedroom with our daughter. i felt the urge to go over to him and talk to him about what had happened but i didn’t do it. it felt confident to let him be on his own and not talk to him or do something for him or to be understanding. he left the house some hours ago and i am feeling calmer and confident now and do not feel the urge anymore to do something that has to do with him (calling him or texting him). i feel very embarrassed about all that because i thought i had been becoming more confident and less insecure. but i still feel affected when he is in a bad mood or if he tells me he doesn’t like my clothes. i think he just senses my insecurity,like i was insecure about the dress and he laughed as he saw me wearing it. i feel hurt and i feel angry at myself for letting the situation get so bad but at the same time i feel stronger for walking away from the situation and taking care of myself.
    love to you all,

  21.  #21cookie on February 7, 2009 at 5:48 pm

    dear katja,

    i feel really inspired by the confidence you showed in being honest with how you felt and demanding boundaries. so it all sounds good to me, especially the part about not texting and calling him when he walked out.

  22.  #22Daria on February 7, 2009 at 6:08 pm


    I agree with Cookie that you did a great job standing up for yourself. And I feel glad you feel strong. Really shows that great Boundaries like yours are for US and make us feel empowered.

  23.  #23Bethany on February 7, 2009 at 7:42 pm

    I hope alias girl comes back soon, I will miss her posts, but I feel good for her for taking a break if she needs one

    Reshi–wow, I feel absolutely floored by your Amazon find–and completely inspired by your decision to MOVE and your realization that your city doesn’t have the kind of energy you want…1/4 across the world oh my god…I feel your bravery and your connection to things happening for you after you made a tiny move in a direction that interested you…i feel so happy for you and I feel lucky to have circular dating perspective from women who’ve been where I am.

    Tracy, I completely understand how you feel, it feels frustrating to see what seems like everyone you know moving into great relationships…it feels like being left behind. But maybe you’re not being left behind, maybe you’re just getting ready for the great things that are coming your way. I feel that you will have everything you want, I don’t know you at all but I feel that for you. I feel weird saying that, but, there you go.

    Linda, thank you for the perspective on the religion thing…it feels strange, and even when I asked he couldn’t tell me by what he means when he says he needs it to “be special”…I try not to obsess about it. I am going to just hang back and stay open and , as you say, keep my eyes open.

  24.  #24Reshi on February 7, 2009 at 10:28 pm

    Yay, I feel happy to have inspired you, Bethany. Of course, the frustrating thing now is that I can’t pick up and move right away, having made the decision to do so. Well, I probably *could*, but I want to have enough money saved that I can buy a home outright when I get there…and that will take me a few years! I feel if I keep my eyes on my dream, I will get there, though. Maybe even faster than I think–maybe something unexpected will come through for me as seems to keep happening lately.

    It’s definitely going to put my man hunt on hold…and I might even end up breaking a few hearts in the process, of men who want to be with me but aren’t on board with my dream. I’m not sure how I feel about that–all I know is that this dream has been on hold for more than long enough, and if I stay here and find someone who also wants to stay here, I won’t be satisfied; that part of me that wants to go will never stop crying out.

    Now, as far as the boy wanting sex to be “special,” that could possibly be manspeak for “I want to initiate it on my own terms, when I’m ready.” That was an issue in my love life in the past; the man in question often complained that I never backed off for long enough to give him the chance to initiate. Of course there is always that scary risk that “when I’m ready” means “never” or “with someone else”–a risk I was never really willing to face–but that’s part of not trying to control the outcome. And also, it’s very easy for me to say such things now, hindsight being 20/20.

  25.  #25Daria on February 8, 2009 at 4:05 am

    I feel like the only thing I’m good at is posting on this blog. Would that be ok if it was the only thing I’m good at? I mean I can write here all day without feeling resistant or drained. I can write and that is good. I can write about myself good. I am good enough because I can write about myself all day, and I know how to write about me and even make myself feel better with it. And thats good. And no one has to recognize it because they dont. They think its stupid. And I think its cool. And thats ok. And thats enough. I want that to be enough. I want me to be enough, just my opinon enough for me to be sure. About an outfit a decision, a word, I want to trust me. And that feels elctrifying. I feel HORROR AND RAGE I feel like I can’t let my volcano erupt. I feel like I’m going to cry out like a wearwolf! I feel I can’t do that because I would wake my parents. I could but have to be quiet because of them. I want to make an inhuman wearwolf sound right now. I want to turn into a wolf monster and be Slobbering and vicious. I want to be so intimidating and horrifying and powerful. And I want to be nice to my wearwolf. I am giving my wearwolf a flower, and a hug… it feels digusting with their wolf drool and breath ew… it felt awful… I feel glad I can show love to my wearwolf. My wearwolf is paused with the flower in her hand. She ran away with the flower in her mouth… how dorky… the wearwolf is hunking over and eating the flower now… and roaring again. She’s not attacking me… she’s going into the forest… I am going to leave now too…


  26.  #26Linda G on February 8, 2009 at 5:16 am

    I think I am finally beginning to see the reason my dates with all of these very decent men is not working. It’s an inability to feel enthusiastic about them. I have become so guarded that even though I am using feeling messages and this is contributing greatly to their interest, I am unable to be genuine or truly vulnerable. I find myself on a viscious cycle of great first dates and awful second ones, or just second ones that are last ones with no inkling on my part why they retreat. It has gotten to the point where they don’t even show up at all after asking me out, or dont call abck with details after a date is made. How can I get out of this when I seem to be retreating more and more?

  27.  #27katja on February 8, 2009 at 7:14 am

    thank you cookie and daria! i still feel strong and i am still practising leaning back. i will let you know what happens.

    hugs and love to all of you!

  28.  #28Averie on February 8, 2009 at 3:07 pm

    Hi Everyone,

    just want to share a little story with you…
    last night i was watching a re-run show of Oprah. And jim carrey and his girlfriend Jenny McCarthy were on the show talking about Jenny’s son who has autism. and when Oprah asked him when he started to see them as his family, this is what he said,
    “the lesson to be learned is…that these kids come to show us to go somewhere deeper as far as loving, that we have to take our expectation out of the equation, and just be there because we want to be there for them.”
    I was so stunned and yet was able to connect with what he said, and then had a real connection with myself. about what he said, about connecting with an autistic child, but doesn’t that apply to everything and everybody in life in a way???
    I used to want to study other people, men i date per se. that what they like, what they want, so that i can find a way to fit into that category. it wasn’t until i started HEARING Rori that I realized i was soooo disconnected with myself. What i like, what i want or don’t want, what my purpose is in life. And now I am a lot happier because I am here to figure out MYSELF. that everyday when i interact with nature or people, i find out a little more about ME. And that gives me strength and confidence.
    i also realized that before i can connect with someone else, i have to be able to connect with myself first. that was my “ah ah” moment. that little yet loud voice inside me that i’ve been missing out all this time.
    i hope this helps:)

  29.  #29Bethany on February 8, 2009 at 3:51 pm

    I feel really angry and I feel all the hyped-upness from anger but also really tired at the same time. I want to go down and up at the same time. I feel like my muscles are just going to atrophy all over my body and fall off my bones, I don’t know why…I feel so mad and hurt at the same time and I mostly feel frustrated. I feel so angry and impatient and it feels weird, I feel myself backing into my old head-stuff with guys, like the feeling things all the time are just too tiring, I feel like talking about the superficial instead of how I feel about it. I feel like I want to make thinking statements all the time and just let my feelings disperse and I want to ignore them. I feel tired of all of them and their constant up and down inside myself. I feel really sad. I want to feel calm and happy and confident and I feel bored and guilty that I feel like I’m withdrawing, I feel withdrawn and small. I feel like I’m always doing things wrong, but that’s the Voice that always seems to be speaking into my right ear…I feel frustrated and tired and I don’t want to look for jobs anymore. I feel frustrated because of the weather. I don’t like it when it’s rainy out because I can feel my energy depleting and my back slumping and I feel like I’m not doing enough. I want to just curl up and take a nap.

  30.  #30Tracy on February 8, 2009 at 7:07 pm

    Bethany…that was simply the most encouraging thing anyone has ever said to me in such a long time…thank you…i feel happy and encouraged by what u said and i feel relieved and with so much hope for me…lots of hugs!
    i feel inspired to keep on hoping and working on myself and i feel hopeful that you are also becoming such a better person and loving yourself even more each day…
    Averie…wat you said was so true..thanks for sharing it with us.It happened to me too..feeling that it was time i started working on myself instead of trying so hard to fit my life into other’s expectations of me…i’m stil on my baby steps but i feel inspired to keep working on myself.
    Daria..i understand the feeling of worrying about wether you are good at anything and what i believe is that anything you do however small it is if its done with a pure heart and it makes yo happy then thats wat makes u who you are and you should not go out trying to be anything else…your insights and experiences on this blog has inspired so many of us to keep trying and not to loose hope..i feel hopeful and thankful for you for your shared thoughts as they have taught me so much….you are a great inspiration and i feel that you are going to achieve your dreams and be an even better person..lots of hugs!

  31.  #31Tracy on February 8, 2009 at 7:13 pm

    Kadja…i feel so happy for you for pulling back…it shows that your actually starting to take care of yourself and its such a great improvement..i feel encouraged and happy for you..
    Linda G, i feel hopeful for you…that’s where we all started from…two steps forward three steps back…..but the good thing is if you keep trying the tools and taking care of yourself………you will realise that you
    are getting to a better place ….its really a good feeling.
    please don’t give up just keep trying…

  32.  #32Linda G on February 8, 2009 at 7:26 pm

    thank you Tracy, it all seems so frustrating but I am still hopeful, trying to get back on that horse. it just seems to be affecting me in my entire life. I am losing ground but feeling that maybe it’s symptomatic of an inner growth. i just can’t seem to connect anywhere with anyone, not even on this blog.
    Averie, what you saw in jim carrey was also Jenny McCarthy’s ability to receive the love and help he is offering. Asingle s a mother of a similar child, I know how defensive and guarded it can make you. But jenny McC is able to let him in and share her world. it also points to the fact that children, baggage is not a hindrance to establishing a relationship if we as women are whole and happy with our lives and a man is able to step up.
    Linda G

  33.  #33Bethany on February 8, 2009 at 8:47 pm

    Linda G, I am no expert on the circular dating thing, but I reinforce what Tracy said, keep at it and work through your disconnected feeling. If you write it out here, it really really helps when you feel stuck…what do you mean when you say retreating? Do you mean withdrawing from men or feeling like you’re retreating inside yourself?

    Daria, I wanted to say I loved the picture of the colored birds you posted a few posts back! It made me smile.

  34.  #34Linda G on February 8, 2009 at 8:55 pm

    Bethany, thanks for your encouragement. Actually, my inability to accept their attention causes the men who are interested to retreat from me, they stop calling, call to say they can’t make it, decided against being involved with me, or worse, don’t even show up for dates at all. It’s a killer on my self esteem but makes me even more suspicious when someone shows an interest. when i began with rori’s programs I ws reeling frm the loss of what I see know was a toxic and later imaginary relationship.I have been on dozens of dates, but athough the men start off very interested,they seem to be working out into worse and worse scenarios.
    Linda G

  35.  #35Daria on February 8, 2009 at 10:14 pm

    Linda G…

    I think someone else had suggested dating yourself! It seems like if you are feeling down then it is likely that you will attract that or notice that from men?

    I am feeling down a little bit lately and noticed I feel annoyed and unattracted to the men I’m attracting.

    I really liked Mama Gena’s books on the Womanly Arts which are mostly about how we as women must focus and definitely include Pleasure in our lives if we are to be happy.

    Are you doing nice stuff for yourself? Even little things count and don’t forget to Acknowledge them, maybe by saying them out loud or writing them down.

    Also expressing on a “theme” one piece at a time for 10 to 20 min can help clear the emotional stuckness…

    I am going to do this for myself now. I want to express on Men

    (me to me): What do you have on men?

    Me: I feel excited about the fun guy that called me tonite.

    Me: Thank you. What do you have on men?

    Me: I feel annoyed that my group of guy friends doesn’t invite me places or call me all the time.

    Thank you. What do you have on men?

    I feel lonely and I miss my ex.

    Thank you. What do you have on men?

    I don’t want one until I am financially successful.

    Thank you. What do you have on men?

    I want one to help me realize my business.

    What do you have on men?

    I feel lonely and I don’t feel connected to the men I have been meeting.

    Thank you. What do you have on men?

    I feel weird and drained about men right now.

    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I feel like they want stuff from me that I don’t want to give them and I feel pressured. I want to feel free of pressure with them.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    That asshole last week made me feel bad. YUCK.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I really like that one guy who draws and comes to visit me sometimes but he is too prima donna.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    My dad doesn’t help me with my business and I can’t do it on my own or don’t want to and I FEEL ANGRY.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I feel like all the ones I can connect to are in the past. I feel like only a certain “type” or from my group of friends are right for me. I feel hopeless.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I feel worried that I will sacrifice an important quality like bravery in a man for being treated nice materially.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I want to feel connected to one. I want to GENUINELY admire him in all types of ways, like I did some of my x’es.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    My neighbor that I used to date before he moved near me doesn’t even call me to hang out.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I want to be wanted by guys as a friend… my cousins are good at this and I was too until now… I feel lonely. I don’t want to have to give up men’s companionship to be a goddess.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I love men.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    My heart feels at ease around them. I love them so much.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I love it when they treat me like one of the guys.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I’m worried that being a tomboy or being treated like one of the guys is going to sabotage my attracting men.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I want to have fun and be able to be playful with my future husband.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I am glad that I realize that guys that I thought were good guys but didn’t feel attracted to are STILL not the right ones for me.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I am SO GLAD I don’t have to be with one I don’t like.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I feel annoyed that the ones I feel more attracted to are the ones that seem to not have their financial stuff together and can’t take me to nice places I like or provide me with a future financially.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    LOl. One of my friends just called me. Maybe 2, but I missed the first call.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I wish my ex would call me.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    My ex doesn’t even think he’s my ex he’s my friend.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I used to practically be one and it was a lot of fun and I miss that.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I feel jealous of their large friend circles where they call each other all day and always have someone to hang out with.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I feel glad I know them.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I feel kinship with them.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I feel their energy feels so good.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I want to stay up with them all night playing video games and drinking.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I feel a warm feeling seeing them trying to get their finances together.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I don’t respect the one who left me for my best friend.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I wonder if I could beat him up now lol.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    Men are great.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I love how they are so attracted to me now.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I want to live with a whole bunch of them in a fun place.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I want to fall in love with one who falls in love with me too.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I want to have and raise children with one.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I feel concerned about studies on human sexuality that show that we are not naturally monogamous. I feel happy that I can believe they are misinterpreted results and my man can easily be monogamous.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I don’t feel like being monogamous with one until I feel ready for a family.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I want to have sex with one on Valentine’s day for fun and to do a celebration of the “festival of love” and I feel worried I will feel ashamed and attached.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I want to feel like they are Dying to give me sexual pleasure jsut because they want to please ME.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I still feel confused if I want a future with ones with kids or not.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I feel amused how they are so easily affected by looks/sexiness.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I feel worried that some aren’t… I feel confused about what attracts them.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I want one that is ready and willing and excited to go to Brazil with me.
    Thank you. What do you have on men?
    I feel good about men.
    thank you.

  36.  #36Bethany on February 8, 2009 at 10:35 pm

    DARIA!!!!! That’s a fucking amazing spring cleaning! I love Mama Gena too, I want to do one of these but I want to go to bed right now…

    Linda G, yeah, get Mama Gena’s books, Womanly Arts and Owner’s And Operator’s Guide to Men…Rori recommended and approved, and really make you feel awesome about yourself and about men too! You will figure it out!

  37.  #37katja on February 9, 2009 at 1:20 am

    thank you tracy!

    unfortunately i was leaning forward yesterday in the evening as he accused me again of cheating. we got into a fight but i tried to communicate in feeling messages as much as possible. he has trust issues because he experienced something very awful in the past (he saw his then girlfriend having sex with two guys – one of them was a good friend of him – as he came home earlier than she expected). i can understand that this is probably the worst thing that can happen to someone. but it is his problem,his issue,that he has to work on. i told him that he shouldn’t projectorize (don’t know if this is the right word,i’m sitting here with the dictionary but couldn’t find exactly what i wanted to say) his anger at me because i didn’t hurt him and that he has to get over this,maybe with therapy. but he can’t seem to realize that. he is afraid that one of his male friends – with which i am going along well – acts suspicious around him and that there’s something going on behind his back. in the past i thought i had to prove him that i didn’t do anything but it only got worse the more i tried to talk to talk about it. i feel angry at myself because i wanted to be open at the beginning of our relationship and told him that i had been cheating at two of my past boyfriends but that was long ago – i was a teenager then and i didn’t know what i wanted in life at this time and was just very young and very immature. and i didn’t know about his trust issue when i was telling him about my past and mistakes i made with former boyfriends. so i feel angry at myself for telling him. but i wanted to be honest and not hide anything from him.

    back to yesterday. we got into a fight and i was leaning forward again. but i got myself together and walked away then from the situation,thinking about leaving for some days and driving to a friend or to my parents.but i still feel undecided about this.
    i then took my journal and wrote down everything i was feeling. i asked him to take care of our daughter during my “journal-time” and he did and was very quiet, not acting out anymore. i went to bed then and he left the bedroom and went to the living-room. he still sleeps in the living-room on the couch. i am feeling disconnected and i miss being close to him but at the same time i have to take care of myself and not letting myself get hurt by being accused of cheating on him. i just feel so sad right now.

    i am afraid if this relationship will ever be what i want it to be.

    love to all of you!

  38.  #38Daria on February 9, 2009 at 2:04 am

    Aww Katja… hugs to you… it sounds like you are doing all the right things and using the tools wonderfully! Don’t beat yourself about sharing your past. It is your past and it is a gift to him that you CHOSE to share.

    You are right that he must deal with his own insecurities and excusing his behavior won’t work.

    Thanks for writing here!

  39.  #39Linda G on February 9, 2009 at 4:20 am

    Thanks daria and bethany for your advice and reassurance. I was feeling maybe I should take abreak from all this datng but I tend to withdraw into myself and sulk at times like this, actually at most times hen myrelationships fail, like i go into mourning. It’s just so confusing. I always had no trouble with men, with finding someone to be involved with. But i never circular dated before, it was always meeting someone and becoming their girlfriend right way. Somehow dating like this is scary, it doesn’t feel genuine, but I remember Rori saying that dating is not about finding Mr right, it”s about learning fronm men practicing the tools. then how do I find Mr Right? I am not using circular dating to improve myself in the eyes of a man I have, it’s just me and these dates/ i’m scared to get involved. scared i;ll make amistake. it’s like trying to do all these feeling messages and all keeps me in my head and I worry too much about what i’m saying. I cannot relax around men at all, which is not how i usually am. I just feel I am putting so much effort into not overfunctioning that I’m becoming exhausted and insecure.

    I want to tell myself it’s a growth spurt. part of me is afraid that these really good quality men I am rejecting by being a catus will never appear again, that one of them could have been my Mr Right if I had given them a chance.A few of them were so attentive, so loving, successful, the right age for me, etc super willing to row the boat, step up but I shut them down and then pined for them. maybe that’s become my comfort zone. being abandoned and then pining so I am ceating it without even going hrough the relationship part.
    I have become too cactus-y to even have girlfriends.
    I know I know i am beating myself up. I can’t get out of this. I will buy those books you suggested. Perhaps between working, raising two kids and going to achool at night and dating I can catch a quick read. I’m probably doing too much, and dating may be just too stressful right now, but I can’t bear to be on my own any more.
    Plus, it’s taking the focus off of my kids who really need me. Maybe I should date myself through dating them. I used to shop to feel better, but I’m over that, plus I’m running out of money for that.
    Any way, I am supremely grateful to have this venue and for the input of you very kind and compassionate andgenerous women.
    thank you.
    Linda G

  40.  #40Daria on February 9, 2009 at 10:18 am

    Hi Linda G,

    You know, I used to feel like that too… really not relaxed around men (like I used to be) as I tried to use the feeling messages. Also felt like I put a lot of energy into not overfunctioning. However I saw the results of feeling messages right away, mostly with new men over the phone. Somehow at some point pretty early on feeling messages became more natural and I relaxed more. Feeling messages used to feel not like myself because I felt well… so Sexy. I especially love awkward silences on the phone that he has to fill eventually… I feel so mysterious (and amused) in those silences which I tried to fill before.

    Now that feeling messages feel natural for me, I don’t worry about asking questions of him or using them non stop. I pay more attention to leaning back now.

    I hope Rori can jump in and clarify some more…

  41.  #41katja on February 9, 2009 at 1:33 pm

    rori,i do have a question.

    i saw your programmes at ebay and would like to know – is that really you?

    because i would like to get the modern siren and maybe another programm but i don’t have a credit card and now i thought maybe i can get it there and pay through remittance. is this possible somehow?

    thank you already for answering,

  42.  #42Rori Raye on February 9, 2009 at 2:50 pm

    Yes – I have a store on Ebay…I see that you can use PayPal …let me know if you’re able to purchase easily that way…Rori

  43.  #43Linda G on February 9, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    Thanks Daria, In fact I think I remember reading your posts about this very subject! For a while I was doing great. Feeling all sexy and siren-y. But now, not so much. I find I can use feeling messages brilliantly through IM and on the phone, even in person lots of the time. But then I go back to thinking and I can feel them slipping away, or at least i think they are. I keep catching myself, going, oh know, I’ve said something wrong or bad, this will never work. On the occassions I was able to use them, even been told how soft I was and open, I didn’t know what to do next. It’s as if after that, I get confused and don’t know how to get to the next step, or if there is one. So I find myself leaning so far back that no one can get to me. I just turn cold. I have listened to all thr programs several times and now they act as a trigger, for what I’ll never get a handle on.
    I, too, wish Rori would step in. But as she says, we already know the answers to the questions we have for her. Sometimes I think I know the answer, i just can’t do it.

  44.  #44Mercedes on February 13, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    Hi ladies. There were just a couple of things I wanted to say here.

    Bethany: Please don’t let a man have you all to himself when he doesn’t even know whether or not he wants you. You’re waiting for him to decide. Circular date. If he doesn’t like it, he’ll step up and ask you to be his…he’ll be in love. If you “ruin” it…trust me…you’ll find someone who does love you and KNOWS it!

    Katja: My boyfriend told me once he didn’t like the shirt I was wearing (didn’t laugh, but…same effect…). I looked him right in the eye and told him that the next time I was planning on wearing it, I would warn him ahead of time and he could choose to avoid me…and I didn’t change the shirt. You should wear what you want. You probably felt sexy and beautiful with the extra skin showing and my guess is…the people at the club would have seen you that way too. Your man sounds very insecure but he’s controlling that by controlling YOU. When you change your clothes (or when he accuses you of cheating and it upsets you), he gets power and that erases his insecurities. When you (as Rori would say) raise your degree of difficulty by looking sexy whether he likes it or not, he’ll have to deal with his own issues but will not be able to use you to cover them up. My boyfriend used to have 100% confidence that I would stay with him no matter what. Now, he has 100% confidence that I want to share my life with him and 0% confidence that I will be with him “no matter what”. He knows…step up or lose me. He loves me, so he’s decided to step up. If he chooses not to, I will be VERY sad, but I will pick myself up and move forward and find a man who will do what it takes to be a part of my happiness.

    I’ve made so many mistakes in the past with my boyfriend. I’ve lost him (or he’s lost me) on more than one occasion. We’re good now and I’m here because I feel like as long as I keep learning, I will make fewer mistakes in the future. I’m not here because I want to find a new man, I’m here because I don’t want to make mistakes in the future with the man I have.

  45.  #45Mercedes on February 13, 2009 at 1:28 pm

    Oh…I fogot to mention. When I used my “I’ll warn you next time I’m going to wear the shirt” line…I did it with a sexy smile and a glint in my eye. The smile and glint came from knowing without a doubt that he was going to be SHOCKED that I wasn’t going to change and that I hadn’t let his critisism get to me. I had confidence and the look on his face was PRICELESS….he has yet to comment in a negative way about ANYTHING I wear. LOL

  46.  #46Madeline on February 21, 2009 at 9:04 pm

    I have been in a relationship for almost two years. My relationhip was great and heading forward. Now my relationship is having issues which I think are very simple to solve but I cannot seem to know how since I have tried many alternatives. My boyfriend has been acting distant for the past year. (long time I know) and ever since I havent been able to get him to come close again as he use to be. He has a profile online and he talks to several girls to which he tells me there only online girlfriends only. I believe him yes, because the girls are not from the country he is living in, but the problem is that sometimes he is more interesting is speaking to those girls than to me. Inclusively when he is chatting with me he tells me that he’s gonna leave and then he stays chatting with other girls. I have talk to him about this and I have told him how bad I feel because I truly do. He also doesnt call me like he use to, I try an try and cannot seem to get him to call this part is my fault though because he doesnt call me because I am very shy over the phone so he tells me that that makes him not want to speak to him. So okay I told him that I was sorry and that I was going to work on not being shy. So for the moment while I am working on it that I continue to chat with him but when I try he always wiats for me to initiate the conversation, I ask him stuff about himself to get to know him even more but he never really initiates the conversation, if we spend atleast 2 hours chatting I am the one talking at the most and he is speaking with me and other girls as well. I ask him if there is anything I can help with incase his job or anything is making him stress I want to understand him. But he tells me that the problem is that since we are far the (relationship is long distance) he sometimes feels lonely and acts like that. He said he is willing to wait until he sees me. We have waited for two years, I will see him next year, so thats the other issue how can I keep him interested when he seems to leave everything in mines. Last he also tells me that he is willing to wait but that he doesnt know for how long because he wants to have a kid. He’s 21 and I am 18 I told him we need to wait because I want to keep focuse in school still. But he says he wants a kid now. I am afraid he may later change his mine and just leave with another girl for that but I will try to be ready and put myself first before any guy. Love comes from within I understand. The issues are simple but my bf doesnt seem to cooperate. Please help with any advice because I want to keep my relationship.