Living Together and Working Together – How To Make It Work

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other womenHere’s a great question about everyday life, losing the “juice” and bringing a man (and yourself!) back from the “brink” of losing interest.

The Question:

“Hi Rori,

I live and work with my man, and I make boundaries about ‘work’ and ‘personal’ time.
Lately he’s been getting resentful towards me because he is saying he’s doing the lion’s share of the work.

He puts work ahead of everything (admitted, he does have a lot of responsibility on his shoulders – yesterday he was weeping and asking for more support from me).

We usually take turns cooking for each other. Today, however, he got angry about taking his turn. He said it wasn’t fair for him to work more than me, and make dinner too.

I didn’t have the words at the time, but he made me feel like we are just roommates/work colleagues.

I don’t want to divide the workload equally and include our meal times in that.

How can I convey that I want to feel more special and cherished?

My Answer:

This is HUGE –

Basically…please stop thinking of HIM as the “creative” person in this relationship.

You have to sit down, lie down, percolate on how YOU would like this to look: What would make meals, sex, hanging out, being together: FUN!

Fun and sexy!

He is not in a position to figure this out.

He just feels overwhelmed.

There are MANY things!

Take a class where you learn how to freeze an entire months’ worth of meals for the two of you.

Get snacks that are good for you and almost full meals.

Cook for yourself at odd times and save the leftovers for him.

Get a convection oven you can have on all the time without heating up the regular oven – cut up vegs and fruit and have them available for fruit salads and cooking.

Use your creativity here!

Dress up different around the place!

Many, many ideas here.

I know what it’s like to live with a man 24/7 with us both working from home, and I know what it’s like to have no “boundaries” about work, but simply trust myself to work when I feel like working, play when I feel like playing.

That’s the joy of this gift of working together.

Love, Rori

Posted in

282 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on May 20, 2013 at 7:55 am

    Tight situation 🙂



  2.  #2Femininewoman on May 20, 2013 at 8:00 am

    Today’s Daily Inspiration

    To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one’s self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have livedthis is to have succeeded.

    — Bessie Anderson Stanley



  3.  #3Femininewoman on May 20, 2013 at 8:13 am

    “Fear is only as deep as the mind allows.”
    – Japanese Proverb



  4.  #4Syreena on May 20, 2013 at 8:16 am

    309: Katarina Pha says:

    “People, relax ”

    In my experience telling someone to relax, calm down or how to feel in any way NEVER works. And often has the opposite effect.

    …”Bud*hism is more of a psychology of liberation than religion, hence you can be Buddhist without believing in anything or vice versa. You can be a Chr*stian and believe in Je$us as your personal sav*or and have a Buddh*st heart at the same time.

    It’s about seeing and operating in the world in the non-resistant way. It’s not about belief in a deity. It’s about personal liberation, first hand experience and you see people who get it, get it through first hand experience. Not some dogmas you cling on.

    I’m not a relig*ous Buddh*st. My mind, my heart are Buddh*st. That radiates in every thing I do in life.”

    I want to honest I don’t get what you mean here at all.
    Apart from that I believe you are saying you are not a practicing Buddhist. I am not understanding what you mean about rest of the other stuff you wrote.



  5.  #5Zara on May 20, 2013 at 8:22 am

    *****not knowing feels strangely hope-like. *****

    http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.fr/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

    xxx



  6.  #6Syreena on May 20, 2013 at 8:25 am

    My personal belief is that some of the Buddhist teachings are harmful to children. And that makes me feel nervous, my gut says red flag.



  7.  #7Zara on May 20, 2013 at 8:27 am

    *****And that’s how my depression got so horrible that it actually broke through to the other side and became a sort of fear-proof exoskeleton.*****

    http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.fr/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

    xxx



  8.  #8Zara on May 20, 2013 at 8:32 am


  9.  #9Zara on May 20, 2013 at 8:35 am


  10.  #10Zara on May 20, 2013 at 8:46 am

    *****An Open Letter to my Boyfriend, the Serial Killer*****

    http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.fr/2009/08/open-letter-to-my-boyfriend-serial.html

    xxx



  11.  #11Arachne on May 20, 2013 at 9:14 am

    Hello, Sirens!

    Zara – I read and loved that depression comic, too. Sad and true and brilliant. *sigh*

    On another note, I feel sad and angry today. I’ve been trying to plan a holiday for myself, and not having someone to go with feels sooooo nasty. No boyfriend, and all my friends are either spending their holidays with their partners, or focusing on work and not going on a holiday at all. And I swore not go on holiday with my parents ever again. I felt ashamed when I posted a FB status today, in the hope of finding a holiday companion. Like it was a bad thing. Like a single woman in her mid 20s is not supposed to not have someone to spend her holiday with. Arrrgghhhhh! Some women said they feel the same, some told me to just go on holiday alone. I don’t want to go on holiday alone! It feels like I’m admitting defeat. Or maybe I don’t want to go on holiday alone because I feel afraid to be left alone with my thoughts. But it could be an amazing self-discovery adventure. I don’t know. I don’t want to go alone! But maybe it will be better. Just me, the beach and my e-reader. Hmmmmm. I’ll put my Boy hat on, get myself something to eat, and sit and research holiday opportunities some more…



  12.  #12Liquid Light on May 20, 2013 at 9:27 am

    @Zara 7 OMG!!! That is so funny!!! Thanks, made me laugh so much!!! I love that it is about depression and it is hilarious!!! hahahahaha!!! needed that!!! 😀



  13.  #13LiliBee on May 20, 2013 at 9:31 am

    Thank you Rori Raye and Dominique Christine for guiding me to the path of taking care of myself and my body. 🙂 <3

    In baby steps:

    1) Felt stuffy and overcrowded in my belly, liver and sinuses since vacation.
    2) Did the detox of the liver, digestive tract and kidneys. Stopped craving sugar and fat and started craving what was good for me veggies and fruit.
    3) The idea came back to me: Craving bad stuff, addicted to bad stuff = stuffing down. What was I stuffing?
    4) Insecure feelings expressed needlessly to man = fell off the wagon of choosing trust. Asked myself "I went on this trip to become an adult woman responsible for my own happiness, I had found her, what happened to her?"
    5) I felt like an insecure needy little girl looking for reassurance. His response had me feeling even more so like I needed babysitting. My pride felt sad.
    6) Realized I want to feel like a grown adult desirable woman, not an obligation.
    7) Began to feel grateful to D for ignoring my insecure needy little girl yesterday which triggered the adult desirable woman to come back out.
    8) At the precise moment I came to that feeling, I heard the phone ring. Didn't have time to catch it, and saw 2 missed calls from him while I was in the shower.
    9) He told me he finished work at 8pm and went straight to his dad's so he could get up early to start on his next door sister's house. He said he wishes he would have called me last night to take me with him. He feels impatient coz his sister's man did not buy the supplies he was supposed to and delay the work. D wants to finish to be free of that project. He said he wanted to call me early this morning to ask me to go join them. Then "I'll leave earlier instead and come see you." Woohoo, prime ALONE time!

    10) I didn't share the FM about how I felt and how I want to feel! Leaned back, receiving mode soaked in what he was giving, then said "Awww, I would looove that. A hug would feel so good today."

    11) I LEFT THE SPACE OPEN AND HE CAME!!! LOVED THE TONE OF HIS VOICE!!! IT FELT SO GOOD TO HERE!!!

    Most important no matter what he's doing, or the outcome: My pride and self-esteem I feel towards myself at the moment feels amazing!!! I'm feeding my own self confidence.



  14.  #14LiliBee on May 20, 2013 at 9:47 am

    This is an awesome post Rori!

    A couple of weeks ago, I was complaining to myself that my relationship felt cold and businesslike.

    I did what coach Rori always says: Bring the focus off of him and back on to myself.

    I took care of me so well that today I feel playful and affectionate.



  15.  #15Femininewoman on May 20, 2013 at 10:09 am

    Arachne I believe you will be more of a magnet if you are alone. Such a target can draw a lot of arrows.



  16.  #16sophie on May 20, 2013 at 10:18 am

    Arachne – i have faced this dilema before and have now had lots of different experiences of going on my hols alone. Youth hostels and party places help you meet people easily if company and activity you’d like. I now love going to the chilled spa type places where I can just swim and relax and have everything done for me :0 I have single friends who like to go on yoga holidays or holidays that are designed around groups of people doing things together. I have to say I’ve never been able to completely stay away from the internet to be able to connect with others though if I’m on my own.

    I do understand that sad face feeling though when it feels like you are the only one who has noone to go with. I have always been so stubborn that I prefer to go on my own than not go at all – why should I miss out? 🙂

    I like FW’s comment too…:)



  17.  #17LiliBee on May 20, 2013 at 10:33 am

    Arachne:

    Our travel agent had 2 single women join our holiday group. We were a ‘pre-organized’ group from exercize class. These 2 women asked the travel agent if there was a group of women they could join, and she had them join us.
    I still managed to get some needed alone time staying to read on the beach while the gang went on the excursion.

    If that’s what you feel would be best for you is some alone time…Just go with what feels most beneficial for you.

    I’ve always wanted to go with my man, but I felt going with that group would have me feeling like more of an adult woman responsible for her own happiness, not dependant on a man to make her happy. So I decided to not invite him.
    He loves when I learn and grow, and following my intuition on this one did that for me.

    What do you need right now? What would make you feel best? If you really feel like a group, ask a travel agent if they know of a kind of group that you would like to be on holiday with.



  18.  #18Medusa on May 20, 2013 at 10:38 am

    Wow. This post comes at a very appropriate and much-needed moment for me. Many thanks to Rori for posting that. I have been experiencing a very similar problem for some months and haven’t known how to handle it. This gives me a new perspective and some good ideas. Rori, thank you. Once again, your work has lifted me up.



  19.  #19Indigo on May 20, 2013 at 10:43 am

    Arachne,

    I am going on holiday on my own for 2 weeks in a month’s time, and I chose to do this primarily so that I could soak up the culture and vibe and wonderfulness of the place I am visiting, without having another person to distract me, and so that I could be a free agent and go wherever I wanted as the mood took me.

    I had pangs of loneliness as I was thinking about my trip, and then I realized that I had instinctively first chosen to go alone for a reason.

    I would recommend you sit with your feelings for a while and try and see what your deep inner being is communicating to you – what would you long for most on your holiday, company or solitude?



  20.  #20Femininewoman on May 20, 2013 at 11:02 am

    BTW Arachne – Dr. Paul Dobransky recommends that women do something similar to develop their feminine instincts. Go to places alone, restaurants, whatever. Thinking of it I see clearly how such an experience can help you be present, be in the now to really experience your environment and get you to really focus on how you feel.



  21.  #21Indigo on May 20, 2013 at 11:06 am

    Wow, some interesting things coming up for me this evening. I want to say interesting, and not painful 🙂

    I like what Dominique said about, can you see this all as one big adventure?

    I am noticing the feelings I have when I am alone, and I am wondering how they might affect me when I am with a man, or in relation to a man. Could I become that gentle, calm woman, who flows softly like a branch in the wind?



  22.  #22Dominique on May 20, 2013 at 11:50 am

    Lilibee – 13 – SO amazing. Your awareness and the shifting of your patterns and energy. YAY you!!!

    xxoo



  23.  #23Dominique on May 20, 2013 at 11:54 am

    Indigo – 20 – Sure you can. I feel it in you now. And this isn’t to say you can’t have a fireworks episode now and then. I certainly do though K thinks it’s cute, SO spoiling the effect, lol, yet also defusing me very quickly.

    xxoo



  24.  #24Syreena on May 20, 2013 at 1:40 pm

    10: Zara

    “*****An Open Letter to my Boyfriend, the Serial Killer*****

    http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.fr/2009/08/open-letter-to-my-boyfriend-serial.html

    xxx”

    Funny, thanks for that.



  25.  #25April Rose on May 20, 2013 at 2:07 pm

    “You have to sit down, lie down, percolate on how YOU would like this to look: What would make meals, sex, hanging out, being together: FUN!

    Fun and sexy!”

    Yes, please. Inspiration please.



  26.  #26April Rose on May 20, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    Fun for me and fun for him, when our fun tastes can be so different.
    Hmmmm.
    The kind of fun that’s fulfilling for both parties?

    I wish it was enough fun for him simply to see me having fun…



  27.  #27April Rose on May 20, 2013 at 2:11 pm

    I love having fun and can become absorbed in my fun.

    I feel weird when he doesn’t join in or looks annoyed.

    And, I carry on having fun!



  28.  #28April Rose on May 20, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    He has admitted he’s not very playful. And is making more of an effort to meet me in a playful way.
    Feels great when he does.



  29.  #29Arachne on May 20, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    FeminineWoman, Sophie, LiliBee, Indigo – thank you soooo, so much for your encouragement and advice! I feel a little silly now for complaining about it, such a “first world problem” to have. I guess it triggered me with a reminder of my single-ness. *sigh* Oh, well. I still haven’t figured out what I want to do, or what feels best. Hopefully I will, soon. Thank you, ladies, again and again!



  30.  #30Luzydel on May 20, 2013 at 4:55 pm

    I am seeing changes in me and it does feels liberating. My disappointments with men lash shorter and I can bounce back way faster than before; like in less than a day!

    I got an email form the maker of POF It was a general email for its users stating changes to eliminate people who are looking for casual encounters and make POF a serious dating site. That made me open the profile again. PizzaCD came of of nowhere and invited me for coffee this thursday and I have a fund raiser coming soon and well no plans for this long weekend yet, but I still can date myself and have a good time.

    I miss CaptainCD he was so sweet to me, just got cold suddenly and I freaked out, so may have screwed up any chances of him getting back to me, but there are other sweet men out there.



  31.  #31Indigo on May 20, 2013 at 9:06 pm

    Thank you Dominique 23.

    I have so many feelings and insights swirling around in me at the moment, and no one to share them with, for fear that they just won’t make any sense to anyone.

    Mainly relating to D.

    I suppose I will just ride them out like a wave, and go with them, and try to see it all as a big adventure.



  32.  #32Daria on May 20, 2013 at 9:58 pm

    so right on… freezing a month’s worth of meals and having almost-full-meal-snacks would feel sooo reassuring and i’d feel proud and strong



  33.  #33Daria on May 20, 2013 at 10:02 pm

    so today i was feeling all upset about the other woman being present and us not having time together last time and me feeling upset and

    i started doing EFT – wait im still in the middle of that! i just stoppped at this computer to look up Iodine as a brain detox

    and did Rosa’s Stop Sign tool and am feeling mucho mucho better

    not needy, rather open… flowy comfy

    ahhh

    i love the power of taking care of me and moving AWAY from what doesn’t feel good and NOT INTITIATING even when i guess i could see him by doing so



  34.  #34Daria on May 20, 2013 at 10:02 pm

    earlier i felt not attractive, not attracted, now i feel open, powerful, loved and wanted for sure



  35.  #35Emerson on May 20, 2013 at 10:04 pm

    I don’t relate to this post directly but unlike the creative ideas nonetheless … Good to know.
    I hace been longing for smells…. Roses, campfires, wine, coffee. Not sure what it means…bit it’s interesting



  36.  #36Emerson on May 20, 2013 at 10:05 pm

    *i like the creative ideas



  37.  #37Daria on May 20, 2013 at 10:06 pm

    ohhh Hyperbole and a Half is posting agian!!! thanks ZARA!

    she HyperboleWoman – probably has brain parasites –> iodine



  38.  #38Vi on May 20, 2013 at 10:29 pm

    Awww Lily Medusa seeing your post and your name here made me feel glad and put a smile on my face 🙂



  39.  #39Daria on May 20, 2013 at 10:47 pm

    yay i did the EFT!

    I’m feeling really high energy and alive and happy despite feeling scared of getting cancer from these parasites (twiches on the inside of my eye and in my neck gland and butt)

    haha i said butt and i feel embarassed

    the EMF’s are transformed so they’re not triggering the parasites as much…

    now to get together a deparasitizing system…

    just taking CoEnzyme Q10 on its own is not enough, especailly without followup

    im feeling lovely tho and im so proud of me

    i know i will heal and be happy (er) and healthy!



  40.  #40Indigo on May 20, 2013 at 10:51 pm

    Lilibee 13

    I really loved that post, and have been feeling so much of that recently. R has been lavishing me with attention, spoiling me, even asking me to be exclusive (which I turned down gently), and D has been speaking to me gently, concerned, seeing me often, trying so hard to work on his issues.

    And *I* have been a person I loved to be. It felt so good. My focus on me, not trying too hard, just peacefully and calmly going about my life, not saying too much, quietly soaking up the bits of attention.

    On Sunday night I went round to watch something with D, which was special to the two of us. And he was sweet to me – he made me tea, and it was too hot for him to cuddle me, but he was constantly sweetly tickling and stroking my arm.

    And then the wheels fell off. Sunday night and yesterday. And I want to know what my part in it was, though I haven’t figured it out yet. Uuurrgh.

    I have decided to not beat myself up. I have decided to just get back up on my wagon and let it go.

    I still grapple with the idea that life and men are confusing. Yet I am the only thing I can control.



  41.  #41Daria on May 20, 2013 at 11:05 pm

    ok so there’s a person writing who considers themselves Buddhist and someone else who says she believes ‘some Buddhist teachings are harmful to children

    hmm that feels terribly uncomfortable to me

    i feel scared and angry

    i feel like rageful and ready to attack

    i hate when shit comes out in a ‘racist’ / culturally-hating on other people’s way rrrgh!!!

    and it feels frustrating sometime to say what you want to say?

    maybe what was meant is some teaching i heard about that was associated with this philosophy or religion for me felt scary and i feel worried about children believing it

    i dono (is that making excuses?) i really don’t feel comfortable reading that

    i feel ‘hurt’

    i mean, i don’t want to read something that feels like racism on the blog

    and i want to read truth

    i want to have both…

    pfff feeling scared and frustrated



  42.  #42Daria on May 20, 2013 at 11:06 pm

    i feel curious that i might not feel as triggered with someone saying something with a religion im more familiar with

    like saying, some of the teaching of Christianity seem to me to be harmful to children

    id be like lahlah who cares, theres lots of teachings i don’t want to believe

    hmm

    i feel SHAME!!

    yay i found SHAME!



  43.  #43Daria on May 20, 2013 at 11:12 pm

    i feel all scared now, also detached, also mad and ashamed of myself for “going into a battle mode” (i don’t know that this really is that)

    this pattern of feelings is so familiar for me!

    ((((((((((Daria))))))))))))

    im healing



  44.  #44Daria on May 20, 2013 at 11:18 pm

    ahhh now im coming up with other thoughts i feel shame and fear with, like thinking about my man and whether he will want to stay with that other woman, or etc etc and questioning my power and my being loved etc etc

    hmm i had just shifted from this!

    im noticing this now…

    i wonder if this could be related to the yoghurt and honey i just ate…



  45.  #45Daria on May 20, 2013 at 11:22 pm

    someone hug and comfort me! i feel angry that no one has (or will! >? really? battle hmm)

    wow im noticing the battle

    right on EFT



  46.  #46Daria on May 20, 2013 at 11:48 pm

    so i was having “voting for her” issues like wondering if ‘maybe she’s a better match for him’

    and she can do things i can’t like offer him a place to live…

    i feel nauseaus a bit!

    and then i EFTd some more and feel better again

    im a woman dating a man who lives with a chick who likes him… and there’s no lying going on – which feels relaxing and freeing

    and i know babysteps will shift this situation to where i either don’t feel pain and feel bored, or else to where i get what feels good from him…

    lalala staying with me

    lots of triggering stuff coming up!

    glad its coming up now to heal and not some situation where im more invested



  47.  #47Daria on May 20, 2013 at 11:51 pm

    ohhh i was just thinking about this one man and getting back in contact with him to share about my EMF sensistivity experience and … he just ocntacted me saying he was thinking about me… of course!



  48.  #48Daria on May 20, 2013 at 11:57 pm

    i feel so lonely here on the blog and uncomfortable and insecure, like no one wants to be around me

    and i feel kinda like a response to harden and even feel a contemptous pride about that

    hmmm

    PATTERN!

    thank you for noticing

    and healing



  49.  #49Kath on May 21, 2013 at 12:29 am

    I would just like to say thank you for recommending I read “The Queen’s Code”-it floored me!- I recognised what I had been doing all my life (and been shown by my Mother!) and last night I didn’t do it!- I sat and listened to him as he talked and said how much he wanted to be with me and loved me and just wanted me to listen and that he didn’t fear speaking- I just kept looking at him and smiling from within-I felt such love and respect for him. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Thank you.



  50.  #50Daria on May 21, 2013 at 1:11 am

    i got an idea that he feels bad about himself and guilty… and that’s making me feel better a bit

    i also feel guilty to feel that way and now scared…

    ahahalalhahalha brain obsession

    glad im healing myself taking care of me

    glad im not attacking with my anger or pushing away

    thank you for this healing Daria 🙂

    what if it could feel even better!?



  51.  #51Daria on May 21, 2013 at 1:12 am

    wow Kath! that feels empowering right now



  52.  #52Daria on May 21, 2013 at 1:16 am

    ok i just did the Stranger exercise from Toxic Men and i made her be a part of me…

    i feel freer now



  53.  #53Daria on May 21, 2013 at 1:18 am

    i also did it with the depressed looking, unrooted feeling part of me



  54.  #54Syreena on May 21, 2013 at 1:22 am

    Hugs for your little girl Daria.



  55.  #55Syreena on May 21, 2013 at 1:36 am

    Daria.

    “maybe what was meant is some teaching i heard about that was associated with this philosophy or religion for me felt scary and i feel worried about children believing it._

    Thank you Daria yes that is what I meant.

    I feel the same about some of the scholars here in the uk at the moment who are teaching through their religious muslim teachings that woman are no more worthy than a lollipop that has been dropped on the floor.

    It bothers me deeply that as a society police, social services, education authorities etc are not doing enough to then help child victims who are harmed when crimes are committed against them because of these teachings. And then in many cases the victims are blamed. Because people are scared to have the race card thrown at them.

    Makes me feel helpless to do anything about it and help create a better safer society. The police Justice system and society is failing these child victims.



  56.  #56Millie on May 21, 2013 at 1:40 am

    Arachne,
    I have been feeling the same way. I am in my 20’s also and have such desire to go on a trip since I just graduated college. I have so many ideas, but finding/coordinating with other people can be so difficult. I go a lot of places alone, but that isn’t really what I had in mind for the summer. At the moment, I don’t have a solution, just being open to spontaneity. I just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone. I just had a crazy thought…a siren trip…that would be fun and interesting.



  57.  #57sophie on May 21, 2013 at 1:52 am

    It did that for me too kath! how wonderful that you had that experience! I loved that i could identify with me buying into the hairy misbehaving women thing and how in the book it completely made me see that they just do things differently and there’s always a reason! And now I see with the man that I see when I appreciate him loads he literally puffs up and I find it lovely and want to appreciate him even more and when he feels shamed or demasculated he literally looks crushed and retreats…Feels really good to know that you had a good time communicating with your man last night 🙂 🙂 yay!!!!!!



  58.  #58Syreena on May 21, 2013 at 2:02 am

    “I hate when shit comes out in a ‘racist’ / culturally-hating on other people’s way rrrgh!!!”

    I hear you.

    It feels difficult for me to tolerate and not get upset by cultures who think rape is ok. Or think it is ok to mutilate their children. Beat and kill women. Sell their children into sex slavery. Or who forced women to throw themselves onto a burning fire to commit suicide. I don’t want to turn a blind eye and accept these things in the name of religion or culture.



  59.  #59sophie on May 21, 2013 at 2:03 am

    Hi Daria

    I appreciate you and the fearless way you seem to work through your processing – Some of your comments were bringing up for me part of my process in as much as I can always see and feel things from different perspectives – its confusing and I don’t know if its part of me ignoring my intuition or if its part of me sabotaging things for me that are good and are a learning experience.

    for example I am seeing a man who has been in my life since January – it started off quite intense then he withdrew, said he needed space to see if he wanted a commitment (having been in a situation before that had shut him down to the idea), now we see each other and sleep with each other and I don’t know if I want to or not…

    This is how my mind goes:

    I’m in a friends with benefits situation for me that feels yuck but in many ways he is kind and thoughtful and giving and supportive and nice to have in my life…

    And…I am trying to CD so maybe I dont have to focus on what is happening with him (what I see as the problems) and just focus on what is good about the situation and a wonderful outcome all round

    May be I should talk to him but I’m not sure which parts I’d like to share…

    Maybe I should just stop sleeping with him…

    bllleeerrrggghhhh i feel confused!



  60.  #60Femininewoman on May 21, 2013 at 2:04 am

    Yayyy Kath



  61.  #61sophie on May 21, 2013 at 2:09 am

    Syreena 🙂 do you know about V DAy? I joined this years ‘uprising’ mob dancing to raise awareness (and end) violence against women and children – they have a facebook page with all the good things they do x lots of distressing info too I dont always choose to read it x



  62.  #62Syreena on May 21, 2013 at 2:24 am

    No, I have not heard of that, thank you, will take a look.



  63.  #63Syreena on May 21, 2013 at 2:25 am

    Sophie.xx



  64.  #64sophie on May 21, 2013 at 2:31 am


  65.  #65BeLoved on May 21, 2013 at 2:31 am

    Ohhhhhh Kath I feel so good reading your post, it’s so familiar!
    I remember right after reading it, I listed to T, all the way through, without interrupting, waited, waited, breathed through the pauses, and he did exactly what the book says, when he finished he said, “that’s all”.
    I just about fell over. And what he had to say was good and juicy and I felt so much love and warmth and a whole new appreciation. It was definitely a turning point for me, and our emotional intimacy has deepened progressively since.



  66.  #66BeLoved on May 21, 2013 at 2:32 am

    Liquid Light –

    From what I can tell, it doesn’t matter if we have expectations or not, if we feel attached to them or outcome or not, as long as we don’t commit to or become exclusive with someone who is giving us crumbs, we don’t have to settle for crumbs.



  67.  #67Arachne on May 21, 2013 at 3:56 am

    Millie – thanks so much for the reply! It feels good to know I’m not the only one having this problem, hehe. I’m beginning to get mentally comfortable with the idea of going on holiday alone. I don’t have the energy to go and actually explore a culturally rich place (and I know that, with my current depressed mood, I won’t be able to enjoy it and get enthusiastic about it anyway…), I just need to recharge. Hopefully, I’ll be able to.

    Kath – wow, I’m so happy that Queen’s Code helped you! It helped me too, such a great book, and so complimentary with Rori’s work!

    Daria – hugs to you!

    And hugs to everyone who might be needing them! Hugs to me too!

    Oh, and today at work I used feeling messages with my boss/superviser. My superviser is a woman, but she listened to me much more carefully, I felt better heard and understood, even in this professional medium. I feel grateful for learning this.



  68.  #68Arachne on May 21, 2013 at 3:57 am

    Oh, and, Daria – what were you saying about iodine? And how does it relate to the depression comics? Can it help?



  69.  #69BeLoved on May 21, 2013 at 5:48 am

    Syreena
    I feel respect and admiration for your ability to stand up for yourself.

    I enjoyed reading and learning from your responses to Katarina 🙂

    I feel interested in the art and skill of verbal self-defense now…I generally refuse to engage in situations where that is required, or tend to practice responding in other ways, but it kind of looks like it might be a good skill to develop. I’m feeling curious, it might be fun to learn this.



  70.  #70Femininewoman on May 21, 2013 at 6:04 am

    “I feel interested in the art and skill of verbal self-defense now………….it kind of looks like it might be a good skill to develop”

    With all due respect Beloved, I have to wonder why. Isn’t it partially this skill why many relationships are floundering today? I see Rori’s work as being about dropping all defenses so that we can bring down the walls around our hearts. The very thought of interacting with someone using verbal self-defense feels draining to me.



  71.  #71Wildgeranium on May 21, 2013 at 6:05 am

    #49. ((((Kath))))
    I feel warm & happy about your realization.
    I feel curious- will read The Queen’s Code 🙂

    Arachne- I’m enjoying all your posts. I wish I would have done the work you are doing when I was in my 20’s, I had to chuckle reading your solo vacation lament…have you ever been on holiday with a man? Lol…no, really, it’s fine-just different. Enjoy your vacation alone- be safe! Some of the most romantic classic movies involve women vacationing alone!



  72.  #72BeLoved on May 21, 2013 at 6:21 am

    70

    FW
    It’s not for my personal relationships – like it or not, bullies exist in the world, and they do not respect or respond positively to feminine softness. They go after it like a wolf goes after a bunny.
    It doesn’t feel exhausting to me to think of, it feels very very interesting and like “yes!” in my body.

    Now waves of shame are coming up for wanting this…
    breathing…



  73.  #73Mercedes on May 21, 2013 at 6:23 am

    I have little bits of fear? wonder? hmm? not sure what the feelings are…about J and I beginning our lives of working together. We’ll be keeping our day jobs for now with the goal being I leave mine as soon as I can. He’ll retire from his. But regardless, there will be a lot of work for both of us to do. Hopefully we’ll be able to manage going over sales reports, inventory and payroll (and all the little fires that come up when running your own business) and still be able to have fun and be “us”. I believe in us but there is the slightest bit of…whatever that feeling is…anxiety?

    We are talking about that potential a lot though and encouraging each other. I think that’s a good start.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  74.  #74Veronica on May 21, 2013 at 6:36 am

    Today I realized that I needed healing with asking for what I need/ asking for help from women but especially from men. I feel so scared as if I’m going to be verbally or physically attacked. I still try to ask for help. It took me about 5-10 minutes before I could ask the salesman where the cups were. That was after I walked around hoping that I could find it myself. When I realized that only the salesmen could get the cups (they were in a sealed off area in the store), I spent a few minutes just staring at that area wondering how I was going to do this. And then I avoided the first salesman. And then I walked to other side of the store to ask another salesman. I knew how to say what I wanted to say thanks to this blog but when I had to say it I felt like a nothing – as in I was interacting with people but my insides were shrinking to be as far away as possible from contact. I’m holding my breath in while writing/reading this, not breathing properly.



  75.  #75Veronica on May 21, 2013 at 6:38 am

    I really like Rori’s article – thank you Rori. I’m wondering if I could use the same principles for housemates/ living with family.



  76.  #76Mercedes on May 21, 2013 at 6:43 am

    I started practicing Kundalini yoga in a much more intense way. I absolutely LOVE it (except for the sore abs but that should get better soon…). It feels sooo good though…the focus on opening my chakras and on healing and energy. It truly is amazing.

    I also bought the chant cds from mayaspace and started listening to them today. They have such an amazing effect on my mind. I feel so peaceful and good with them. I don’t know most of them yet so I can’t chant along (which is probably good when I’m listening at work…) but I still hear them and hope to memorize. 🙂 It’s been good.

    I found a local Kundalini yoga teacher as well. She agreed to teach some classes at our studio. I’m so excited about that. Hopefully we can schedule her for an evening class so I can attend. We’re creating a plan where she comes once a week and each week is focused on one chakra. Tools that people can take with them to their own practices. I hope to make her a regular…

    Anyway…I don’t know why I’m typing all of this except for the fact that I like to share new and beautiful experiences in my life and this is one.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  77.  #77April Rose on May 21, 2013 at 6:45 am

    Kath,
    Just -wow!



  78.  #78BeLoved on May 21, 2013 at 7:04 am

    Mercedes I like hearing about it, I feel buzzed and enthusiastic and I love hearing it’s coming together for you!



  79.  #79Mercedes on May 21, 2013 at 7:18 am

    Thank you so much BeLoved! 🙂 You are coming to visit the studio right? (as soon as I get walls…) I’ll pick you up!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  80.  #80BeLoved on May 21, 2013 at 7:24 am

    I feel disappointed.
    Reading up on verbal self-defense, I’m familiar with most of the information.
    What I’m feeling most is struggle between a desire to correct blatant misinformation that was posted that directly contradicts my personal experience, and a desire to refrain from being baited and getting off into topics that don’t seem appropriate to this blog.

    I’m wondering if I’m fighting the feeling of wanting to fight, again 🙂



  81.  #81BeLoved on May 21, 2013 at 7:26 am

    Mercedes heck yeah!!!!



  82.  #82Femininewoman on May 21, 2013 at 7:43 am

    BeLoved is that misinformation from me? I don’t know anything about it. I just reacted to how I felt reading the actual words. Now that I have looked it up on wikipedia it looks Rori-like to me.



  83.  #83Syreena on May 21, 2013 at 7:46 am

    verbal defence



  84.  #84Syreena on May 21, 2013 at 7:47 am

    ?



  85.  #85Syreena on May 21, 2013 at 7:51 am

    What are you thoughts Beloved are you ok?

    It feels helpful to remind myself when others are attacking throwing labels about like redneck, bigot etc it’s because they are abandoning themselves in some way and their thoughts are not personally about me they are taking it out on me, but that it’s not about me and there is nothing I can do about them.

    Feels difficult not to feel personally attacked and get back to the place of realizing it is their stuff not mine.



  86.  #86BeLoved on May 21, 2013 at 7:52 am

    FW noooo 🙂



  87.  #87Kath on May 21, 2013 at 7:53 am

    Wow!- The Queen’s Code has made me cry- I mean really cry! because I realise where I have gone so wrong!- and Yes!- my Guy actually said exactly what the book said!- He said he just wished I’d let him talk and say everything he wants to say and that he doesn’t want to compete with me-its just that we have different ways of doing things- IT WAS AMAZING!!- life changing and I am totally filled with a different vibe today!- totally mind blowing!!



  88.  #88Sirana on May 21, 2013 at 7:56 am

    I just bought the Queen’s Code. I feel excited to read it because I have already seen Rori’s tools work and this may provide even more insight. Has anyone else had positive experiences from the book? I also want to say that I feel almost giddy at the idea of finding my true self again. I can feel it coming out of me and my man is seeing it. He said last night on a Monday night that it felt like a mini weekend night because he was so relaxed. It’s good. Femininewoman said that she believes I have a lot of power to turn things around and I believe she is right. I am the lighthouse that will lead him to his own hurting heart.



  89.  #89Syreena on May 21, 2013 at 7:58 am

    Mercedes feels good to hear about your beautiful experiences I wish you well with them.



  90.  #90BeLoved on May 21, 2013 at 8:11 am

    85

    Syreena..yes yes I’m good, thank you, and I need some time to think out all of the thoughts coming up around this 🙂



  91.  #91Syreena on May 21, 2013 at 8:21 am

    Ok glad to hear you are good. 🙂



  92.  #92Femininewoman on May 21, 2013 at 8:30 am

    Kath I always maintain “we have a lot to learn”.



  93.  #93Sassy on May 21, 2013 at 8:43 am

    Mercedes, if I may, re your feelings about working along with J…I would suggest (which I believe you may already be doing, but I’ve been in this situation), that the two of you have specifically defined roles and duties in the business. While you should both be trained in every facet of the biz, the day to day aspects need clear definitions. There will be things that come up in the course of running and participating that you will have never thought of, so constant, clear communication is vital. I wish you great success. I can feel your excitement all the way here in Georgia, lol!!!



  94.  #94Liquid Light on May 21, 2013 at 9:26 am

    @syreena 85

    I was disappointed to see that happen too. I don’t think its kind or appropriate to speak to one other like that on this blog, and use put-downs and attack someone. It made me feel sad. But you’ve got a GREAT attitude about it, girl! You, go, girl! It’s inspiring!



  95.  #95Mercedes on May 21, 2013 at 9:45 am

    BeLoved: YAY!!!! 🙂 I can’t wait!!

    Awww… Syreena…thank you so much!!

    Sassy: 🙂 Thank you! Yes…we’ve done a lot of that. At least as much as we can without knowing the unknown. My current role is one of manager/project manager. My project manager skills forced me into creating a full blown project plan (which the builder has systematically destroyed but that’s another issue) that includes responsibilities and accountability so that’s all good. In addition (I know this is going to seem really strange), because of our LLC and because it makes the IRS happy and because we need to make sure communication is clear, we have been holding actual monthly meetings including recording the minutes, etc. Now…the meetings are not quite as formal as the minutes make them sound but we do make sure we meet, together and for no other purpose than to discuss business decisions and needs.

    I *think* we’re on the right track and from a business perspective we work really well together. It’s the losing our relationship in the business that feels the slightest pull of “it’s a possibility” on me.

    But, for the most part (aside from this builder guy), I feel really, really good and certainly am not surprised AT ALL you can feel it in Georgia!!! haha!! 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  96.  #96Sassy on May 21, 2013 at 10:12 am

    Mercedes

    Big big caveat! Do NOT bring the biz home. Make a pact now that you will leave it at the studio. Yes there will be times when you must talk about certain issues or emergencies, but for the most part, you can leave it there and maintain your date nights, time off together, etc.
    Remember to take a day off all by yourself whenever possible. That will be crucial!
    Ah yes, corporate meetings and minutes, necessary evils!



  97.  #97Liquid Light on May 21, 2013 at 10:16 am

    @beloved

    yeah, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with expecting to be treated in a certain way, with dignity, and to expect that my boundaries will be honored. If we have no expectations about how we will be treated/honored/respected, then we can easily get walked all over, treated poorly, and disrespected.

    Also, its helpful to know what our expectations/boundaries are so that we can recognize when they have not been met and then take action and express ourselves in feeling ways.



  98.  #98Daria on May 21, 2013 at 10:39 am

    Who am I saying I am?

    a woman involved in a polygamous-like situation…

    a woman dating a man who lives with another woman

    a woman who hopes a particular man will empower himself to be her lifepartner

    Why am I here?

    because it feels exciting and dramatic

    because excitement and drama feel ‘safe’ and give me ‘significance’ that i’m living a stormy, fully lived life

    because i feel sad thinking im not having sex and am hoping will get to feel good about having it with this man

    What am I engaging in?

    a imaginarily created power struggle with another woman

    judging the man as weak and allowing another woman to run him

    masculine energy picking up the slack

    What do I want? (More like this…)…

    i want to have sex ! that feels me focused and good

    i want regular sex and to practice my sexuality

    i want to feel safe emotionally



  99.  #99Daria on May 21, 2013 at 10:42 am

    i’m feeling sad… im imagining ill never or no time soon get to have sex like i want and i don’t want to wait!

    i hear that im a loser waiting

    i hear that it will never happen for me! ill keep making stuff up to push it away until i meet a man that will be my life partner, i’ll just ‘have to’ wait

    and then i’ll fall in love and probalby get my heart broken as that won’t be the one for me

    UGGGHHH

    pffff



  100.  #100Daria on May 21, 2013 at 10:46 am

    thanks Arachne ((((Arachne))))

    iodine acts as a detoxifier and it goes through the blood brain barrier… *unlike other stuff liike vit c thats not able to clear the whole brain

    yes it can help with depression

    people need it for optimal functioning. many people – unless they’re conscious of it, have/use less than optimal

    im researching and gonna get some too… it has to be Conscious stuff, not all are quality/unharmful



  101.  #101Daria on May 21, 2013 at 11:22 am

    sophie –

    heya, yes it sounds like we are in a similar (emotionaly tho not totally congruent circumstantially) situation

    what im gonna do is what you suggested – focus on the feel good! (bit of a challenge)

    and REALLY REALLY CD

    (im really good at this – meeeting new men who are interested – so this is not an existentially ‘big deal’ for me with this man as it seems to me right now, i have dramatic man-connection situations happen all the time for me for years and fade away again so i KNOW at least that it will pass)

    i haven’t been CDing as much the past 2 months since i got Hyper-electrical sensitivity but now am starting to get more active about getting online and answering some of the men



  102.  #102Daria on May 21, 2013 at 11:24 am

    sophie – i felt really good reading your comment!

    i feel all ashamed now that i jump into boy energy talk rather than appreciate a compliment first awww sadness

    ***Daria))))



  103.  #103Mercedes on May 21, 2013 at 11:34 am

    Sassy: Unfortunately we are stuck with ALWAYS bringing it home. We’re keeping our day jobs so evenings and weekends are it for us. All of our work as it relates to the studio will be done after regular business hours.

    That said, regular date nights and spending time alone together without work is a given for us. We already limit the amount of time we spend even talking about work (and we both work in the same industry so talking about it comes very naturally for us) because we don’t always want to be focused on our jobs when we’re together (even though our jobs are exactly how we met).

    Hopefully all of that will help as well. We can really only take it minute by minute at this point. Breathing and smiling through whatever…that is the plan. 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  104.  #104Daria on May 21, 2013 at 11:40 am

    Syreena – thank you for the hugs ((((Syreena))))

    i felt way better reading that part about what was meant

    i personally feel this so intensely – this ‘cultural judgement’ stuff … i want to heal it on Earth

    i feel angry when traumas, even collective ones, and behaviors aroudn that are associated with a ‘culture’ and theres finger pointing that comes to “culture” rather than the deep deep down to the feelings of things

    i’ll be honest i felt angry reading the initial comments and even contacted Rori for possibly not

    I for one HATE that there is a prison system, in my head represented by what i’ve seen in the US of the imp judgement, slander propaganda, discrimination, stress-enhancing harassment, kidnapping and loss of freedom and captivity-torture (what imprisonment really is) – and yet that’s a collective trauma behavior… outsiders will call it ‘culture’ and insiders won’t see it that way

    I also hate the judgements of pleasuarble sexual activity that show up in the shame and traumas of many peoples

    smh

    theres so much i hate!

    and i want to be respected to burn with my man if i want to and not if i don’t

    the world i am creating is real real smh i don’t want to disrespect any choices. i feel immortal and it feels scary as fu8ck to sift through these million billion old traumas of choices i made when i believed i was not

    fu*cking even feels scary

    lol

    now i feel all unsafe



  105.  #105Daria on May 21, 2013 at 11:43 am

    yeah im still feeling angry about traumas and re-ocurring trauma behaviors called ‘culture’

    like it’s daria’s culture to be polygamous since she’s in this situation… is it?

    i dono i’d rather skip the tying it to the general, can i go deeper?

    i WANT to go deeper i want to stop this, stop this habit…

    i can speak about real ish and if i don’t blame and associate and assume then i can be heard Real

    and yet i do this association allt he time too… babysteps i AM healing this

    i AM getting

    i am getting wider



  106.  #106Mercedes on May 21, 2013 at 11:45 am

    Liquid Light: “Also, its helpful to know what our expectations/boundaries are so that we can recognize when they have not been met and then take action and express ourselves in feeling ways.” –

    Personally, I think boundaries and expectations are two very different things. I have ways that I must be treated or I will not remain in that relationship (not just romantic relationships but all of them). Those are my boundaries. I have no expectations that people will treat me that way and they can do or say whatever they want – including J – those are their lives and I am in no position to expect or demand anything from them.

    All I can do is determine what my boundaries are, determine what I would prefer to be different but can live with, and stick to that. If I don’t stick to my own boundaries then that is a problem with ME, not with the other person and it is something I have to work on internally.

    As far as expectations go though…I have none. I only have my heart to determine what I will and will not live with. Everyone else is on their own with regard to whether or not they choose to honor those boundaries and I am on my own with whether or not I choose to do the same.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  107.  #107Daria on May 21, 2013 at 11:47 am

    am i in battle?

    im feeling really charged up…

    am i feeling angry?

    yes!

    im feeling unseen!

    i feel defensive!

    SEE ME SCREAMING!!!



  108.  #108Daria on May 21, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    aha! im now believing this feeling is fear… this feeling of ‘running running” the urge forrunning fast and also the urge for talking talking coursing speaking thoughts along with rage an indignation a fear fear they are coming for us

    i LOVE MYSELF!

    that is really deep yo!

    i know where that comes from and i don’t feel like im blaming anyone and that means IM HEALED

    wooo hoooo

    thank you beautiful trauma reaction, beautiful adaptation to run like the wind and warn of invaders, im choosing to heal, im choosing peace

    im actually SAFE , now

    i don’t NEED to do this anymore

    i can do this … but i dont NEED to do this (feels like heart beating fast and me all heavy and heavy faced, no t moving as fas as heart is)

    “i can do this but i dont NEED to do this… this is effortless” – Rori tool



  109.  #109Liquid Light on May 21, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    Daria: you are seen and I love your total exposure and vulnerability :). I’m feeling the opposite – no sex drive and fear about sex. My last relationship was so sexually charged, it left me numb and sick of sex…hahahaha!!!

    Hang in there, girl! (I think I’m talking to both of us here! 🙂

    ((((((Daria)))))))

    Mercedes: seems like its a terminology issue. I was referring to boundaries as expectations and vice versa…so I think we are on the same page!! 🙂



  110.  #110Mercedes on May 21, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    LL: Yes, I agree. If you are using those two words as one in the same and I am not then I can see where it would be just terminology. When Dominique and I discuss “expectations” and when she writes about it and teaches it to her clients (me included), we are referring to something completely different than boundaries. Hence, we are not saying that having no expectations means being walked over or being a door mat. Quite the opposite actually. There is no door mat involved when we say “no expectations”. Absolutely NO doormat. I would die first. lol

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  111.  #111Indigo on May 21, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    Mercedes 110

    I agree with you. I have noticed that when I can get to “no expectations” with a person, I actually feel stronger around my boundaries than ever. Because literally, my energy is not being expended thinking about what the other person should be doing. “No expectations” for me means being completely happy in my own skin and just simply noticing and feeling curious about the other person and what things of loveliness they might be offering to me. Yet I am in a state of complete responsiveness and flexibility where I am immediately able to act or speak up if something doesn’t feel good to me.



  112.  #112Luzydel on May 21, 2013 at 2:40 pm

    I will always have expectations; I am learning not to attach those expectations to a particular person.



  113.  #113Mercedes on May 21, 2013 at 2:46 pm

    Indigo!!! YES!!!! That’s how it is with me too!!

    Luzydel: I totally agree in some contexts. Sometimes, when you get really close to another human being, you can actually live life without expectations within that relationship. For me, I used to have a lot of them with J (especially after we first got back together) but little by little, I have stood by my boundaries (so he’s clear on those) and he’s surprised me in so many good ways (so I never know what to expect even if I wanted to) and we simply flow through life without expecting anything and with an openness to whatever life throws our way. So…within the confines of my relationship, there are no expectations.

    That said…I still have plenty of them out there in the world and like you, I am working to not attach those expectations to any one person. It’s harder than it sounds. 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  114.  #114Liquid Light on May 21, 2013 at 2:53 pm

    Yes, it is hard because a lot of times, I don’t even realize that I have them (expectations)! Wow, baby steps, LL, recognizing them is the first step. I’m going to try to be more aware of my expectations!



  115.  #115Luzydel on May 21, 2013 at 3:04 pm

    I don’t know if these things have happened to me before and I was too close to notice or changes are really coming. Little things like, money showing up when I needed it, an opportunity coming out of nowhere etc. None of them have to do with relationship, but it still feels good; like I open some space in my life.



  116.  #116Heart on May 21, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    Hey all – I’ve been working hard lately …and I’m feeling a bit in my masculine go-getter vibes….any quick fixes to switch to feminine energy?



  117.  #117Liquid Light on May 21, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    Here’s a text I just received for a date. This was in response to a text I sent him inquiring about what he wanted to do for our date.

    “Dinner drinks. Anything else you can think of :)”

    Does that sound really suggestive???



  118.  #118Liquid Light on May 21, 2013 at 4:06 pm

    I’m not into the sexual innuendo AT ALL!!!



  119.  #119Liquid Light on May 21, 2013 at 4:07 pm

    grrrrrr



  120.  #120Hana on May 21, 2013 at 5:00 pm

    Hi ladies, hi Rori, I am completly still in a state of shock over the last weekend’s events.

    Amir came back to me. I had told him just a month ago on the dancefloor that I couldn’t do it anymore, let him go, still hurt a lot, still loved him helplessly at the time, but it gave me tremendous power to say it, to free myself of the hold he had over me and the fact that he wasn’t offering me what I needed at the time.

    After a month of not seeing him, I’ve been avoiding the places I saw him like the plague, I received a txt with an invitation to take me and my kids to the beach. For at least 8 months there was no txt from him, only dance floor chats. And now he’s come into my life again as if nothing happened. ??? I am so completly blown away, it certainly feels weird, and I welcomed him back to receieve the love he was ready to give. But, now I am feeling some anxiety and anger over the past. And I’m also wondering what and how I should be receiving him from now? What program should I hone up from all of your wonderful ones? I’m just so lost, shocked and confused, and I don’t know half of what I am feeling…

    Thanks, only in my wildest dreams did I believe that he would come back, and now that he has I’m just in disbelief!



  121.  #121Tereana on May 21, 2013 at 5:29 pm

    Hi Ladies –

    To respond to Millie and Katarina Phang from the last thread…

    You both asked if there had been some physical abuse in my childhood. The true answer is, I don’t know. There’s nothing I can remember. But there are these weird reactions that my body has, and it only seems to get worse as time goes on. Yes, I have had “good” sexual experiences. But sometimes (often – most of the time) the better it feels in the moment, the worse I feel afterward. And it often makes me literally, physically ill in some way.

    Since I don’t know the answer to this question, I am currently in therapy to find out. Maybe it is all only related to the emotional abuse I experienced as a child. That I can definitely remember, and it was constant, always present. I don’t know if that’s it, or there was something else. People are always asking me, and I really don’t know anything more than I know.

    I know that it made me sad, Katarina, to read the part you wrote about women feeling comfortable with their sexuality 🙁 That doesn’t feel like me, even though I want it to be. I am good at pretending, but I think it’s all an act…I’m looking forward to reading your article.

    Thanks!



  122.  #122Tereana on May 21, 2013 at 5:33 pm

    Liquid Light – that text does sound somewhat suggestive, but not overly so. You can take it and respond to it however you want. Maybe he meant frisbee on the beach. He did say “whatever you can think of,” no “whatever he can think of.” You are assuming he means sex. As a man, he is probably hopeful. But to me (and I’m really sensitive to these things, too) it doesn’t sound pushy at all. It sounds like he’s leaving it open for you to decide, and you really don’t have to do any more than dinner and drinks : )

    Does that make sense? 🙂



  123.  #123Liquid Light on May 21, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    That sounds exciting, Hana, happy for you! 🙂

    Ladies, does anyone have any suggestions for how to not let a relationship/dating get sexual too fast? In my next one, I’d really like to wait a couple months, even three! That would be awesome but I really can’t imagine it as I don’t think that’s ever happened to me before. Looking back on my last two, I regret that I didn’t wait longer.

    Thanks for any suggestions!!!



  124.  #124Liquid Light on May 21, 2013 at 5:47 pm

    Thanks Tereana, yeah, that does make sense.

    Our last date (only the second one) was too sexually charged for me so I guess I’m a bit leery. I’m really suspicious of that energy right now (prob because of my last relationship) so I’m finding his text a turnoff. Plus, besides a sexual attraction, I don’t think there’s much else there. I guess I’m just not that into it.

    Maybe I’m just not ready to date yet…



  125.  #125Zia on May 21, 2013 at 6:10 pm

    Hi Hana!

    Do you have access to all Rori’s programs? Off the top of my head, I’m thinking modern siren and/or commitment blueprint might be worth a watch 🙂

    How exciting for you!!! I am just into my first week of strict “no contact” with my ex for a month. He moved his stuff out weekend before last but texted me on the weekend about a couple of things I forgot to pack and he forgot to ask for (and I forgot were even in the house). So hopefully now he has no reason to contact me so I plan to focus this month on me me me me.

    I really miss the good times we had together, I really do 🙁



  126.  #126Arachne on May 21, 2013 at 7:29 pm

    Wildegeranium – Thank you so much for the comment and the encouragement! Indeed, I feel lucky to have discovered Rori and her tools relatively early in life. Hopefully, it will help me avoid certain mistakes along the way… No, I have never been on vacation with a man… only with parents and/or other family members, or a group of mixed-gender colleagues, or one female friend. And I guess going on my own will be a step in my evolution. Both as a Siren (as many of you ladies mentioned, it’s a wonderful opportunity for practicing being in the moment), and as an adult able to take care care of herself. So both my Girl and my Boy would be exercised. Yay for me and for this beautiful opportunity! Oh, and thanks for the great tip about the classic romantic movies, those should help me get inspired – any specific recommendations? As for the Queen’s Code – oh, yes, definitely read it! It’s wonderful, wonderful, wonderful! I will need to re-read it on my solo vacation, heehee. 🙂

    Daria – thanks for the information! I will try it as well – hope I can find it around here. Oh, and I don’t know if I mentioned it before or not, but I really, really love how you share your thoughts and feelings with us. I feel admiration for your and your journey! Hugs!



  127.  #127Dominique on May 21, 2013 at 7:39 pm

    Tereana – 121 – A woman’s sexuality is complex. There are so many factors which can make for a good or bad feeling experience.

    There are so many things I would love to share with you around this. May I start with this?

    http://sexandheart.com/creating-intimacy-it-starts-within

    xxoo



  128.  #128Andrea on May 21, 2013 at 7:57 pm

    @ Hanna #120
    Wow, I’m happy for you. I’m happy that you are seeking wisdom and realizing that even though your Amir is texting again, the work is not complete. : )

    I’m feeling very solid and impressed by your maturity.

    I broke up with my one year guy, then after two weeks he began to pursue me, and after one week of him chasing me, we got together for an amazing date and stay overnight. But the next day, I too was so bitter and resentful about the past.
    We tried to discuss but I couldn’t help but blame him, shame him, disrespect him, and on purpose try to instill in him the same kind of pain that I felt he had caused to me.
    Both of us were locked in this horrible accusing battle until I finally just had to walk out. I know that right now, I am not over the pain of our past. I’m still working through that and I realize that I can’t be with him and working on me at the same time.

    I will say though, that he has not contacted me nor made any effort to get me back. And last night I found a bag of stuff that I’d left over at his house on the hood of my truck. When I realized the implications of that bag, I have to honest with you, I felt relief.

    I need time away from him. I need to focus on myself and my real desires and get to know myself a lot more before I can let him back into my life… if I even ever want to let him back in. And… that knowledge has really freed me.

    I feel so resolved now to work on me and one of my goals is to shine the light of love, grace, and forgiveness on me first for all of my mistakes in our relationship, and then on him.. (with out ever contacting him.) I want to be able to see both of us in a healing balm of energetic love so that what ever this man decides to do with his heart, I can only bless it. I’m not there yet. But that is where I want to be.

    Then…. what if… he decides to use his heart to love me again?? I think that would be a wonderful surprise from the Universe. But until then, I’m going to use my heart to love me, and to thank him for being the catalyst that got me involved with Rori’s work.

    In better news, I know that I have men who like me who I can call and they will take me out if I want them to. But, since I’m working on leaning back I decided that I wasn’t going to follow my old pattern of taking the lead in ANY relationship. I have just been going about my days.

    This evening one of these men called me and asked me out for a Saturday night date. I’m happy. I know him well and so far I feel no physical attraction to him, but he wants to wine me and dine me and has the whole night planned. So I’m going to let myself be swept away for at least the night and see what comes of it with out preconcieved ideas.

    I’m really really grounded right now. It feels good to be getting to know me and to have my focus back. It feels like I’d been gone (ignoring my inner sanctuary) for the whole year that I was focusing on my one year relationship. I’m back now. !!! : )



  129.  #129Indigo on May 21, 2013 at 9:29 pm

    Liquid Light 117

    I would take that text as a tentative attempt to please me, and I would say “it would feel great to get some Italian :)” and… leave it at that.

    As for how to slow down the sexual pace, I really do think actions speak louder than words, though to do it in such a way that still communicates your attraction to him and doesn’t deflate him. By the way, slowing down the sexual pace is the fastest way to smoke out a guy who has no interest in a real relationship.



  130.  #130Andrea on May 21, 2013 at 9:35 pm

    Here’s my script when a man asked me: “Why haven’t you called me?” (we see eachother out and about every so often and he flirts with me but has never asked me out)
    Me: I feel so excited that I know a little bit about you. I understand that you are the kind of man who knows what he wants and knows how to get what he wants. I feel so proud of you when I see the evidence of that go gettem attitude in your life. So, I know that when YOU WANT to talk to me, you’ll ask me out on a date.

    Him: But I told you to call me when ever you want to. Why don’t you?

    Me: That’s really a good question. I feel so curious about you right now, and I’m feeling that you are just as curious about me. I feel anticipation for when you DO call me, that we definitely have things to talk about.

    Then I smiled so sweetly and wrote down my number for him (yet again) and turned back to my girlfriend.

    Wouldn’t that be sooooo cool if he called me soon??



  131.  #131Liquid Light on May 21, 2013 at 10:11 pm

    Indigo: By the way, slowing down the sexual pace is the fastest way to smoke out a guy who has no interest in a real relationship.

    Love that! thanks!

    PS: I just told the text guy that I was thinking about moving and that pretty much put an end to that! Which is fine because he was making me uncomfortable, that’s prob why I did it.



  132.  #132Indigo on May 21, 2013 at 10:37 pm

    Andrea 130

    I loved what you said!

    I experimented recently with being what for me felt like really outrageous, and when a guy gave me his number I said “Oh, I’m a woman’s woman. I don’t call guys. Let me know if you’d like my number.” It worked so well. The guy (it was R) actually told me how much he respected it much later.

    I must say, if a guy asked me now why I didn’t call him, I would laugh in a totally giggley, feminine way, like “what a silly idea!”



  133.  #133Violette on May 21, 2013 at 10:40 pm

    I feel sad I never got invited to see that guy’s play. I liked him so much and I was so hopeful about him and I had something I wanted to say to him when I saw him. He said to call him by last Mon to remind him to get me tickets, for this weekend, if I didn’t hear from him. I didn’t. I so want to shoot him a little text, like “tkts reminder”. It’s hard to feel totally disappointed until the weekend has come. I know he’s a bad boy, but I want to be able to be with him anyway. He feels so fun to talk to. I’d like to forget him completely too.

    I would love to go on another date some time soon. I feel sad I haven’t found a new cd in a while, and I am so ready.



  134.  #134Millie on May 22, 2013 at 2:42 am

    Hi Ladies,

    @Tereana, 121–Wow I feel sad to hear that you do not know if there is physical abuse in your past, and to hear about your emotional abuse. It is hard to know what causes our behaviors sometimes, what cause created this effect in us, these coping mechanism we develop. You mentioned that the better sex feels physically, the worse you feel emotionally, and mention being physically ill afterwards.. I’m wondering if the sensation of physical pleasure is linked to a form of guilt for you? while I haven’t endured childhood abuse, I can say from my own experiences that when I sometimes feel that way about sex, the sickness comes from feeling I gave a part of myself away, or from feeling unloved after, empty. I am glad to hear you are working through your trauma with a therapist. I hope that over time you feel better. 🙂



  135.  #135Millie on May 22, 2013 at 2:44 am

    @Andrea 130,

    I love how bold this script is and yet so truthful and alluring.



  136.  #136Syreena on May 22, 2013 at 3:09 am

    Thank You Liquid Light.

    I hear what you are saying Daria. Re prisons. And do not like some of the inhumane things that go on in them.

    What do you think is the best thing to do with people who have murdered raped or beaten people up? Do you think they should still have their freedoom and be left to roam free in society?



  137.  #137Millie on May 22, 2013 at 3:12 am

    Violette,
    That sucks, (for lack of a better word) that he didn’t make the tickets happen. I was hoping he wouldn’t disappoint you. I’m remembering Andrea’s comment, that his asking you to remind him is openly admitting he will forget. In theory, if he knows he is forgetful, setting an alarm or notification on his phone about the tickets would have been better than asking you to do that job. I totally understand your desire to text him, but perhaps another opportunity will present itself for you to tell him what you wanted to say and maybe a feeling message about the tickets.



  138.  #138Indigo on May 22, 2013 at 3:57 am

    Syreena 136,

    With all due respect, I for one feel intensely uncomfortable having those kinds of things discussed here.

    I do not feel this is the place for it. I thought that this blog was a place where we discussed Rori’s tools, becoming more feminine and our relationships with men and our healing in that regard, not socio-political issues.



  139.  #139Andrea on May 22, 2013 at 6:08 am

    Ahhh, I’m sorry too Violette.

    I’m remembering something I read by Evan Marc Kartz. He said to start seeing those guys who don’t make the effort as blessings on our journey. Kind of like a pebble we can just kick out of the way. Because out of the many MANY men out there…say out of 100 men, 99 of them could be lazy, jerky, icky.. just all around not for us. But that’s okay.. we only want the 1. 1 out of a thousand. 1 out of a million men on this planet…
    I’m doing all of this for that 1. And he’s the only 1 that I really want.
    Maybe there’s 1 that you want as well. And he’s the 1 that’s going to want you to see and be impressed by his play so badly, that he’s going to make sure you get there.
    And all the other men.. the ones who forget us, the ones that make us do all the work in the courting arena, and then all the work in the relationship, just simply aren’t for us.

    I’m also in an eco-bioloby class and the professor reminds us over and over again that in the animal kingdom it is the males who plump their feathers, butt their antlers, puff out their chests, sound all the bells and whistles that they can in order to BE PICKED by the female. The females do the choosing, the males do the chasing. Any one female could have many males vying for her attention, and she picks the best ONE that suits her purposes.

    But.. all that said… : ) Hugs and Grace to you. I do understand how you FEEL. I feel that sadness as well. I’m getting used to feeling the feel of it, and asking myself is this what I want? And being okay with what ever answer comes to me.



  140.  #140Hana on May 22, 2013 at 6:46 am

    Thank you ladies for all your comments, you are really so encouraging, and brave, each and every one of you! I must say that most of my friends who struggle with their heart aches over their relationships aren’t as open to learning about the things they can do that are so powerful to be a stronger more grounded woman with the knowledge they didn’t grow up with naturally to be the woman they really want to be! But, we are all learning and bettering ourselves, and thanks to Rori and to all the people teaching and helping us grow we are becoming stronger, and hopefully more relationships will look that way, stronger and happier, life is to be lived well! And we all should be happy together, no?

    Zia, thank you so much,I really love hearing all your positive notes!! I will try commitment blueprint, and maybe also love scripts for relationships.

    Andrea, you are a brave soul, and looks like you are attracting men very effortlessly, which is so cool! How did the date go? The day I met Amir again, it felt like the same as ever, except our connection was more mature, I was less hard on him because I had suffered so much in his absence, I was happy to have him next to me, but I was also very proud of the fact that all the work I’ve done on myself through the programs here with Rori and others, it’s made me want something good in my life, He was always good and kind to me, and at the time I wasn’t feeling very deserving of it. So, I’ve come to terms with that. Now, I’m ready to have someone love me, As I want to love them. and I also remember something very important which kept running through me the last few days, I read from Rori that Men’s feelings change so very quickly, they can want nothing to do with you for as long as they feel it, and then jump back into wanting and desiring you as if nothing had happened, and also sometimes disregard any of the things that made him not want you at the past as well! lol, I find that crazy, I don’t believe that women are like that, but that’s why I realized that there was no need to feel anger, it is just him being a man! I wasn’t so perfect either 😉
    And I’m still learning about these guys….haha, that will never end. Important thing is, I’m learning about what I want, and this process is teaching me what I want how I want to be in a relationship, the who will just come, I believe it.

    Although I’m tired of circular dating, I still realize that I must be strong and continue, maybe not as many as 3 at time (I have two small children I’m raising on my own), but I at least want to feel the affection of more than one man.

    About Amir, I got so used to being without him, and being good to myself that I am finding it quite effortless to use my feminine energy and let him be the masculine.

    It feels good these days, spring has brought me a new bloom, all I have to do is water it! Cheers ladies



  141.  #141MovingMagic on May 22, 2013 at 7:21 am

    I’m enjoying reading the posts on expectations vs boundaries. Life is funny in that it constantly provides more opportunity for unraveling deeply ingrained habits. Expectations )other than the ones I have for myself…& those are questionable) have never served me in a positive way.



  142.  #142Femininewoman on May 22, 2013 at 7:43 am

    RE 138 – I appreciate this Indigo and I really hope that your wish will be respected. It is also my wish.



  143.  #143Syreena on May 22, 2013 at 7:44 am

    Indigo.

    “Syreena 136,

    With all due respect, I for one feel intensely uncomfortable having those kinds of things discussed here.

    I hear you feel uncomfortable.

    I feel unsettled and do not want to be responsible for other adults feelings.

    I am responsible for my feelings only.

    “I do not feel this is the place for it.”

    Is that a feeling?

    No it’s a thought.

    Ok.
    Other people are entitles to think what they like.
    I feel respect for your right to think what you like.

    ” I thought that this blog was a place where we discussed Rori’s tools, becoming more feminine and our relationships with men and our healing in that regard, not socio-political issues.”

    I hear you.
    I thought this was a place to express feelings and ask other what they think. Trigger each other, try different things and heal.

    I feel triggered.

    It feels bad when other people want to shut my voice down, want me to be quiet because they do not want me to ask questions about real life topics that have come up in the moment and that makes them feel uncomfortable.

    I feel agitated it feels like you are trying to shut me up. And shut me down.

    That feels bad.

    I feel more than happy not to engage on that topic directly with you if it bothers you Indigo. Or If Rori states she doesn’t want X Y or Z topics discussed.
    So I feel more than happy to disengage with you on this topic.
    Your choice what you choice to skim over read or engage in.

    And will respect Darias choice to not answer or to say I don’t want to answer that question if she doesn’t. Her choice.



  144.  #144Syreena on May 22, 2013 at 7:47 am

    Feel best go and take care of my feelings of aggitation now and make myself feel better. GRRR. feel on edge!



  145.  #145Femininewoman on May 22, 2013 at 7:52 am

    I am shaking with excitement. A cd who had pulled away just called to check up on me. I was listening to a recording of Arielle Ford yesterday and decided to follow some of her steps. As such I threw out a picture of a lover from more than 20 years ago. Also the t-shirt of this same cd. Yesterday while listening to Arielle I started crying and shaking when I realized that I had some stuck energy inside me around this guy. Hoping that he will change and choose me. I feel so at home with him and he always says “there is chemistry”. I feel confident he is the one. In any event yesterday I decided to cut ties so I made up my mind to get rid of the t-shirt and the picture. I threw them out this morning. I felt completely surprised when I grabbed the phone a few minutes ago and noticed who was calling. I have an engagement ring from someone else that I am sure I have totally let go of energetically but I was thinking of how to dispose of that ring. I am energetically letting go as well as letting go of expectations. I still don’t understand it all but I am willing to try and to believe.



  146.  #146Femininewoman on May 22, 2013 at 7:58 am

    Violette, honestly, taking into consideration what he said if I were you and I wanted to go to that concert bad enough I would have called and asked for the tickets. I would have wanted more than one so I could enjoy it with friends. Before I call I would sink into myself about expectations and I would try to really let that go so just in case I did not get him or the tickets I would feel settled into myself that this was a conscious choice. No matter how it played out. Then I would be aware of what was going on inside me during the experience.



  147.  #147Femininewoman on May 22, 2013 at 8:04 am

    “that his asking you to remind him is openly admitting he will forget. In theory, if he knows he is forgetful, setting an alarm or notification on his phone about the tickets would have been better than asking you to do that job”

    eeemm Millie – my take is maybe. Then again you know what, he doesn’t owe anybody anything. It is my humble opinion that it was not too much to ask. Knowing myself, I am more focussed on my life and my agenda so requests from people have fallen through the cracks. If he has a busy life then maybe such are the things that happen and if he is suggesting that he IS forgetful then I believe it would be something for me to look at to see if I would be okay remind him of stuff all the time if we are together. In such circumstances, I don’t see it as bad behavior, I see it as forgetfulness. Something that happens every now and again to us humans.



  148.  #148Femininewoman on May 22, 2013 at 8:09 am

    “I know he’s a bad boy, but I want to be able to be with him anyway”

    If that is the case I would educate myself of the bad boy antics, his psychology, the things he is likely to say and bring in to my life. Then choose. If I chose to be with him anyway I would be prepared to be triggered but at least my mindset would be that this is for adventure to experience myself. As such I would decide what my boundaries are and really stick to them. This could really shake his confidence and build yours. It depends on what you want. As long as he is not the be all and end all of your romantic escapades and you are willing to fly free and allow him to fly free. Then why not?



  149.  #149Femininewoman on May 22, 2013 at 8:15 am

    “Indigo: By the way, slowing down the sexual pace is the fastest way to smoke out a guy who has no interest in a real relationship.”

    hhhmmm some guys are clueless, and turn into a nervous, gelatinous mess when they are really smitten by a woman. So I am not so sure about this statement.

    LL: “Which is fine because he was making me uncomfortable,”

    So much is coming at me reading this statement but I will choose Dominique. If this can be brought back to yourself I wonder what you would discover about your thoughts around his words that was making you uncomfortable. Unless of course if there were things he was doing in your physical presence that created this?



  150.  #150BeLoved on May 22, 2013 at 8:18 am

    This is a community that represents the work I do. It has nothing to do with “diversity of thought.” There are plenty of forums out there for that. Here, we work. We work at being vulnerable, cutting loose, loving instead of attacking, feeling our way through. Exposing ourselves, not labeling and resisting.

    Love to all, and I hope this is what you want, too.

    Love, Rori



  151.  #151Mercedes on May 22, 2013 at 8:21 am

    FW: 144 – WOW! 🙂 WOW!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  152.  #152Indigo on May 22, 2013 at 8:39 am

    Feminine Woman 148

    Yes, I thought about this at the time when I wrote this, and I am actually not so sure about my statement either.

    Was thinking more along the lines of something my therapist was saying to slow things down physically in the beginning just to be able to gauge his interest in you on a non-physical level more clearly.



  153.  #153Syreena on May 22, 2013 at 8:42 am

    123: Liquid Light.

    “Ladies, does anyone have any suggestions for how to not let a relationship/dating get sexual too fast? In my next one, I’d really like to wait a couple months, even three! That would be awesome but I really can’t imagine it as I don’t think that’s ever happened to me before. Looking back on my last two, I regret that I didn’t wait longer.

    Thanks for any suggestions!!!”

    Whilst getting to know him keep the dates public as in not inviting him into your home or going to his until you get to know his character and actions seeing how you feel with in his presence over time before deciding if you want to have sex with him. Less chance of getting carried away by chemistry and reacting out of old habit then. If this hasn’t worked for you in the past.



  154.  #154Syreena on May 22, 2013 at 8:58 am

    LL, I feel curious about an arbitrary time scale. I wouldn’t have thought 8 weeks was long enough, especially if cding to get to know each other. To me it would be to give a chance and see if mutual deep caring loving feelings were developing rather than just chemical infatuation consistently over time.

    What are your thoughts?



  155.  #155seahorse on May 22, 2013 at 9:01 am

    Rant coming on………………………. Why in the world would a man tell me….’You know, you’re not very pretty but, you have the best personality.”……… WTF!!!!!!!! Come on!!!!! Are you kidding me????!!!! There I am all dolled up and sweet as I could be having a great time talking and being social with men and some Azzhat! says this to me…….. My reaction………….. The hurt is deep and I go quiet with the pain. My feelings are hurt. The change is instantaneous on the outside. I withdraw and ‘I’ can feel all my energy come in to myself. No more smiles and I want to hide. ……………… I have had this happen in my marriage and had it happen within other social events. The men who say this are the really good looking ones, except my ex husband was very middle of the road in the looks department. The men who are the really handsome ones…………. I haven’t really had good experiences with that sort. I am comfortable with them but, not attracted to them. Nice to look at be social with but no ‘spark’. I feel judgmental saying that. That’s my experience with them.

    I don’t get it. Why? I am standing there all open and having a great time and some man says that…………… I feel like the floor got wiped out from beneath me………… Then I want to kick them in the chins followed up with a smack to the back of the head and ask if his mother knows how he talks to girls………….how about that great personality now mfer!!!!!???!!! But no. I go quiet and all the fun is gone. I wasn’t looking for any man…….. just enjoying myself with other humans. No nasty humor or potty language no off colored stuff. Just all open and then………… BAM!!!!!!!!!!

    Please help sirens.



  156.  #156seahorse on May 22, 2013 at 9:06 am

    It feels like shame. It feels like when I was little and my big sister is so pretty and blonde and I’m not. I’m chocolate and chubby little bear. It’s shame because I’m not pretty like her………………………….. this is big…………. Self acceptance……. I get that. I need to know how to handle that in a social situation. I feel sad and I love me and my little girl in there and I think I’m pretty. And I know I have a super personality.

    Pearls before swine…….. even good looking swine



  157.  #157Mercedes on May 22, 2013 at 9:20 am

    seahorse: I have no idea why someone would say anything like that but I like your idea for how to handle (except maybe for the physical part) and can just about see these words coming right out of my mouth and at a man’s face while I look him straight in the eye: “ask if his mother knows how he talks to girls………….how about that great personality now mfer!!!!!???!!!”

    Ugh! How could someone be so awful?!?!

    Maybe better words for him would be “That’s funny because you are exactly the opposite! Okay to look at but personality isn’t worth shit.”

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  158.  #158Liquid Light on May 22, 2013 at 9:22 am

    I’m so sorry that happened, seahorse. What a jerk! I wouldn’t give that man one more second of your time. Yuck!!!!



  159.  #159Liquid Light on May 22, 2013 at 9:23 am

    “That’s funny because you are exactly the opposite! Okay to look at but personality isn’t worth shit.”

    Hahahahaha!!! Good one, Mercedes!!!



  160.  #160Hana on May 22, 2013 at 9:28 am

    Oh my God, that is so terribly stupid. Haha, people don’t have any filter and sometimes say shit that no one wants to hear. I know you may not care, but did it cross your mind that he may have been attracted to you, and that was his way of saying he was surprised that he was? Lol, men man! But, really who the fudge cares at this point, what matters is that you rock and that you believe you do!

    Cheers for sharing. And btw, it is hard for me to be taken seriously past my looks, it bothers me a lot, and I’ve had to learn how to attract men on a non physical way, it’s fu**ing hard! Haaaaaaaaaaard!

    Thanks for sharing, love you girls!

    Good looking men are usually bad in bed too haha…at least that is my experience! Just had to add



  161.  #161Syreena on May 22, 2013 at 9:32 am

    Seahorse, that made me cry. That feels awful hearing that.

    He triggered you.

    Who made you feel like this as a child?

    Your Mum? Dad.?

    The shame is not yours.
    The shame is projected from whichever adult said this to you originally when you were a little girl.
    The shame belongs to them not you. X



  162.  #162Liquid Light on May 22, 2013 at 9:34 am

    Syreena: LL, I feel curious about an arbitrary time scale. I wouldn’t have thought 8 weeks was long enough, especially if cding to get to know each other. To me it would be to give a chance and see if mutual deep caring loving feelings were developing rather than just chemical infatuation consistently over time.

    You do think 8 weeks is long enough or you don’t think its long enough? I don’t think I’ve ever waited even that long!!! OMG!



  163.  #163Syreena on May 22, 2013 at 9:34 am

    Pearls before swine…….. even good looking swine.

    Exactly.



  164.  #164Femininewoman on May 22, 2013 at 9:35 am

    seahorse I am going to share something I learned from Sasha Xarrian. “Mistakes are the process of life. We need to make them to grow and expand.” He made a mistake. As Sasha says “we cannot grow without. We cannot learn without. Do you know anyone who never made a mistake”?

    “What someone else thinks of me is their problem. It is not my problem”.

    As a matter of fact my first reaction was he was attracted to the deeper part of you that you actually want him attracted to. Your personality.

    As Rori says “no matter what he says, you’re great”.



  165.  #165Syreena on May 22, 2013 at 9:36 am

    LL. I don’t think it is long enough to get to know the real person on the inside.



  166.  #166Femininewoman on May 22, 2013 at 9:37 am

    LLight – he is not a jerk. It reminds me of the story about the Frog Farmer in Queens Code. I am also reminded of the story about taking the lemons in life and making lemonade out of them. Can a Queen make a prince/king out of a jerk/frog?



  167.  #167seahorse on May 22, 2013 at 9:39 am

    WOW!!!!!!!!

    You sirens rock!!!
    What I was thinking is this………… I thought I should NOT say anything. Why???……………… because I thought that it was rude and gave away my …….. something……… to even address the comment. I have SO wanted to say something!!!!!! From now on I will! That’s funny cuz your the opposite!!!!!! I love that!!!!!!
    Thank you Mercedes!

    Know what??? Hana is right too. They have found themselves attracted to me and had no idea what to do with it. Thats on their plate and I will go on my merry siren way.

    It feels better to have gotten this off my chest. I thank you sweet sirens.



  168.  #168Femininewoman on May 22, 2013 at 9:41 am

    “Maybe better words for him would be “That’s funny because you are exactly the opposite! Okay to look at but personality isn’t worth shit.”

    tut tut tut Mercedes. Then again depending on the vibe, tone, and the intensity with which you say this maybe you both cold enjoy and good joke from this bad moment.

    Reminds me of CCarter talking about Make or Break Moments. I wonder if it could be a test to see how you would deal with him in public (in future) should he make such a mistake down the road. It could be him testing to see if you are a match? I feel really curious about this.



  169.  #169Femininewoman on May 22, 2013 at 9:48 am

    “Good looking men are usually bad in bed too haha”

    Hana – I would be careful here if this is a belief. It could direct in you in so many ways that could sabotage relationships. i.e. lead you to choose not so good looking men, sabotage relationships if the man is good looking by saying negative things etc. I would rather prefer to choose to be surprised.

    I like the rest of your comments.



  170.  #170Liquid Light on May 22, 2013 at 9:51 am

    Getting involved with a man like that would be setting yourself up for more of the same. He’s already showing his true colors, that he is inconsiderate and mean.

    I’m not sure why you are making excuses for him, FW. Here’s where boundaries come in IMHO. This is not the way I would expect to be treated by anyone…time to move on.

    I used to like guys that were mean to me because deep down I thought I deserved it. I try not to tolerate that kind of behavior anymore because I’ve changed my view of myself and my expectations (I know bad word here) or boundaries. Unfortunately sometimes I don’t even recognize it if it is presented as humor. I grew up in a family with a lot of teasing and joking around but sometimes it was very mean. So sometimes its hard for me to distinguish the difference!



  171.  #171Hana on May 22, 2013 at 9:51 am

    Oooh, FW, you know I believe you are right, I’ve thought about this before, valid point girl, High 5!

    What’s wrong with being with a man that isn’t so “good looking” but incredibly attractive anyway? Lol



  172.  #172Femininewoman on May 22, 2013 at 9:52 am

    LLight: I don’t think I’ve ever waited even that long!!!

    I would really check my beliefs to see if there is a reason why I talk myself out of waiting. It is a totally other thing if you were following your feelings and just doing it for pleasure.



  173.  #173seahorse on May 22, 2013 at 9:53 am

    FW- Yes, I do agree. I am thinking about what I felt when I am in that situation. I felt sad for the guys and for the other guys around the guy that said that. Why? Because……………. I am more than a face. I felt sad that they were that limited in their life experiences. Forgive them, they didn’t know any better. And i feel uncomfortable when the guys friends come over and stumbling try to tell me what he really meant. ……breathing low………… it’s cute to watch them as they try to tell me that I’m sexy and pretty in a different way…………… and these things I do know. I’m 46…….. and I feel proud that this is being addressed.

    I choose understanding and love for all. I know it isn’t my ‘stuff’ when they say that. It hurts from long long ago…………… Still, when I’m in the thick of it, it sucks. I will take the good with the bad though. I really enjoy people and how they come up to talk with me. Any and all, I really do enjoy my time with them.

    Something to say that isn’t harsh and a feeling message

    I feel pretty(said with a smile)
    I feel sad when i hear that
    I feel angry and want to smear the stinky pate in your face
    something that is …………… i don’t know



  174.  #174Femininewoman on May 22, 2013 at 9:57 am

    LL – not making any excuses for him. I am just saying. We tend to operate from the base of we against them. We right, they wrong. A paradigm shift can’t hurt. I can likely open our minds for learning about ourselves. What triggers us. What we do want in relationship. Who we are in relationship.

    “deep down I thought I deserved it”. Okay so a trigger. “Getting involved with a man like that” – who said you had to?

    “Here’s where boundaries come in IMHO.” What would be your boundaries? I wonder if there are any Rori tools that could be used?

    “he is inconsiderate and mean” – is this statement/thought really true?



  175.  #175Liquid Light on May 22, 2013 at 9:58 am

    Syreena, how long do you think is long enough? just curious…i’m finding this topic really interesting!!! 🙂

    What do others here think?



  176.  #176Femininewoman on May 22, 2013 at 10:01 am

    seahorse – i feel uncomfortable when the guys friends come over and stumbling try to tell me what he really meant.

    Girl this is power. It shows that guys can be influenced by women. It shows they are quite conscious of how to treat a woman. Quite conscious that they are there to serve women. Quite conscious that there are there to protect women. Quite conscious that they put their best out there when in the presence of a woman.



  177.  #177Femininewoman on May 22, 2013 at 10:05 am

    sweet seahorse – Something to say that isn’t harsh and a feeling message

    This is about you and will speak volumes about you. A great man would be looking for this in his
    Queen. This great man might not be the speaker but someone standing by who will take note. Men do pay attention to how we treat other men. Treat one man bad and he will assume you will treat him the same. Even if he is The One searching.



  178.  #178seahorse on May 22, 2013 at 10:08 am

    I am thinking back to a neighbor lady who was watching me do some gardening and she was asking me why am I soooo happy being a housewife…………. I told her, I like it. All of it……….. She was perturbed at that and said she and her husband were talking about her unhappiness in being home and she said she didn’t get why I was happy being a housewife. I am laughing remembering this part…………….. Her husband said that I (seahorse) was all things sensual, earth mother and venus all rolled into one…………. I was looking at her as she was saying this and OMG was she mad! I said that was the nicest thing I have ever heard and thank you for telling me. She looked at me just in time to duck the dirt clod I threw at her. I told her to lighten up and be happy for me!!! Then we laughed and hugged. Her and her
    husband are one of the happiest couples I know. 30 years and they are peaceful and happy.

    It felt good to hear that from a safe source………… I don’t know what that means….safe. It felt really good to hear that from them. I feel happy and sad to have had remembered that.



  179.  #179Andrea on May 22, 2013 at 10:15 am

    Oh my gosh.. Seahorse… it’s all so much about perspective, world view, and our past orientation isn’t it?

    Men always say that I’m pretty, sexy, attractive, they love my big blue eyes, my curves… etc, etc..

    The one guy… the ONE guy.. that came up to me and yes, he actually said those exact words, “You’re not very pretty, but wow, your personality is wonderful!”

    I took it as such an earth shattering compliment. I smiled at him, my biggest, shiniest smile and I said, “Oh my gosh, Thank you so so much!! My personality is the one thing I can take responsibility for. I work on it constantly. Thank you so much for noticing that!!!”

    He laughed and laughed and asked me out…. (and we were together for a whole year)



  180.  #180seahorse on May 22, 2013 at 10:16 am

    Do you know why not harsh?????

    It’s the look in their face……… somewhat soft and head tilted and wondering and like they don’t get it. It is an ungarded moment and it would feel like kicking a dog if I were to be unleashing the gorgon on them………. heheheheehehe……. medusa maybe……..



  181.  #181seahorse on May 22, 2013 at 10:19 am

    It wouldn’t be so bad if they said in a one on one conversation, but they say it in front of others.

    FW- Thank you sweet siren. Means the world to me to be here with you all



  182.  #182Dominique on May 22, 2013 at 10:20 am

    Touché Miss M – 155

    xxoo



  183.  #183Femininewoman on May 22, 2013 at 10:22 am

    Andea – I love it.



  184.  #184Dominique on May 22, 2013 at 10:24 am

    Though not a recommended response. 🙂 Still priceless.

    Seahorse – For future reference, men can and do say some pretty lame things, things which may come out wrong or things which are phrased in boy talk which doesn’t look a thing like girl talk. K has done this to me on occasion where I can only stand there with jaw dropped (in my head though).

    And then I remember what I just wrote to you here, and I also remember that he wasn’t trying to hurt me, he may have even been trying to compliment me which is what I think this man was doing. Awkwardly for sure.

    xxoo



  185.  #185seahorse on May 22, 2013 at 10:26 am

    Andrea- Thats a lovely way to handle that! I kinda freeze with all the things to say or do!!!!! When i FEEL it………… in the moment……… deer in the headlights. I do love my personality and there’s some thing else there though and i don’t know how to put it in words………… a feeling of …………….

    the long ago pain…..then ‘this isn’t about me’……….. curiousity……………. feeling in the spotlight….shrinking……….. then I want to go away from this person and his people…………. there is still something else there…………….. arrrgghhhhhh!!!!



  186.  #186Femininewoman on May 22, 2013 at 10:28 am

    Andrea – I took it as such an earth shattering compliment.

    I just goes to show that what we focus on grows. When we are open to receiving love and complements they show up everywhere.



  187.  #187Femininewoman on May 22, 2013 at 10:29 am

    he may have even been trying to compliment me which is what I think this man was doing

    Oh god Dominique I love you so much.



  188.  #188Femininewoman on May 22, 2013 at 10:32 am

    RE 184 – Deer in Headlights.

    I have a male in my life who sometimes actually say “hold on for a moment let me just allow that sink in.” He will literally hold his hand up to request a time out and sink into his feelings right in front to me at times. He sometimes says he needs time to process what just happened.



  189.  #189Liquid Light on May 22, 2013 at 10:36 am

    Dominque

    I’m not sure why you wouldn’t have let your jaw drop? I think a lot of Rori’s work is about expressing who we are and showing who we are, expressing our emotions in a non-blaming way. Being ourselves authentically including expressing (especially expressing) the negative emotions. Suppressing ourselves like that doesn’t seem to serve being known and accepted for who we are. Also showing our vulnerability like that fosters connection since the mask is down. Difficult as it is sometimes. Sigh.



  190.  #190seahorse on May 22, 2013 at 10:41 am

    Dominque- Yes!!! I agree. Maybe thats it. that feeling of …………. is it patience? Sure he’s awkward as all get out and uncomfortable too………. and I am empathizing with him and all of us really…………… and it’s that quiet moment and somebody else speaks then i leave that group…………… just say “thank you”…….. simple and to the point.



  191.  #191seahorse on May 22, 2013 at 10:42 am

    Thank you sirens……………. I feel better and lots to think and feel on.



  192.  #192seahorse on May 22, 2013 at 10:45 am

    FW 187- WOOOO HOOOO!!! NEW TOOL ALERT!!!!!

    Hand gently raised and the words……… Please allow me to let that sink in and FEEL it………… I love that. Thank you



  193.  #193seahorse on May 22, 2013 at 10:50 am

    See!!!! Thats it!!!!!! He was trying to say something good and I know that it’s the trigger and dealing with that and the people that are waiting for me to do something……………. yep, thank you works just fine.. with a smile and maybe a wink. i feel so ………??????…….when i think about winking with that!



  194.  #194Femininewoman on May 22, 2013 at 10:53 am

    especially expressing) the negative emotions – This is not what Rori teaches



  195.  #195seahorse on May 22, 2013 at 10:53 am

    I am earth mother and Venus all rolled into one glorious Siren!!!! I am SEAHORSE!!!!!



  196.  #196Liquid Light on May 22, 2013 at 10:54 am

    I’m kinda excited about taking what I learned from my last two relationships and applying that to my next one. Little concerned about how to not let the sexual stuff dominate things too quickly though.

    I like what Syreena wrote about not spending time alone at home (in either his place or mine). I think that’s key but wondering about when he offers to pick me up for a date…then there’s always the thing at the end of the date where he expects to come in. Maybe just always say that you will meet him at x restaurant or whatever?

    Thoughts?



  197.  #197Femininewoman on May 22, 2013 at 10:54 am

    with a smile and maybe a wink. i feel so (MYSTERIOUS AND MAGNETIC)………??????…….when i think about winking with that!



  198.  #198Liquid Light on May 22, 2013 at 10:55 am

    FW: She doesn’t??? OMG I”ve got it all wrong then!!!



  199.  #199Femininewoman on May 22, 2013 at 10:59 am

    Ever heard of T Dub? I just got this in an email from him:-

    “If he senses you’ll be “heavy”…he’ll be cautious about moving forward…you get a YELLOW LIGHT.

    Again…SO IMPORTANT…

    He’s not processing this in his head…he’s processing in his gut and heart.

    You got that right?

    If you feel fuzzy AT ALL on this concept…please WATCH THIS VIDEO UNTIL THE END.

    Because…one of the ways he “gauges” if you’ll “weigh him down” is by observing how you relate to OTHER PEOPLE.”



  200.  #200seahorse on May 22, 2013 at 11:02 am

    I figured it out. I want the man I’m with to think I’m pretty. Not beautiful not a knockout …………. pretty.



  201.  #201seahorse on May 22, 2013 at 11:06 am

    Patience seahorse……….. good things come to those who wait…………. patience with myself feels safe. And baby steps………. Rome wasn’t built in a day



  202.  #202seahorse on May 22, 2013 at 11:10 am

    what does pretty look like………….. seahorse with a pretty pink bow around her neck, where the ends of the ribbon gently tickle the tops of my breasts…………. pretty white blouse wide collar and smiling…………. lots of smiles…….and pink sandals…..



  203.  #203Femininewoman on May 22, 2013 at 11:17 am

    WHEN YOU’RE TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT HIS EX

    Sometimes a man will thoughtlessly mention his ex, but when her name keeps popping up in conversation, you’re right to feel upset. It could be a sign that he’s not over her or still living in the past; or it could mean that he’s doing it because he’s not sure how you feel about him, and he wants to see your reaction.

    So find out, and let him know it’s not okay with you when he mentions her. Try, “I feel really uncomfortable when I hear about other women, and I don’t want to take away from what I’m enjoying with you. Is there something I should know?” Remember, dating is a time to see whether or not you’re on the same page with him. Use this as an opportunity to find out if she’s still in his life and to let him know you won’t settle for second best

    http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/relationships/what-to-say-when-he-disappoints-you/



  204.  #204Liquid Light on May 22, 2013 at 11:20 am

    the whole cool thing about rori’s work is that it subverts the usual paradigm that we women have to “have it all together”. In fact, its not that at all, and there is power and huge attraction in not having it all together, and letting our ugliness and vulnerability show…I absolutely LOVE that. It was a huge revelation to me when I first starting reading her and when I let my guard down in my last relationship and exposed myself – raw and vulnerable and messy – he stepped up each time. It was so cool!!!!



  205.  #205LoveAlways on May 22, 2013 at 11:20 am

    Feminine power ON



  206.  #206Mel on May 22, 2013 at 11:38 am

    (((seahorse)))

    How about:
    Ooooh… I kinda feel like kicking you in the kneecaps right now… But I would prefer to feel flattered, so I’ll just go with that instead.

    I get you… I grew up constantly being compared to my sis. The “pretty” one.

    It took me a long time to just be comfortable in my own skin. No, I’m not a knock-out. But I AM cute. Really cute. Cute is not for everyone, but I want a guy that digs cute.



  207.  #207LoveAlways on May 22, 2013 at 11:48 am

    I feel curious . . .
    how do married sirens CD with the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker? I mean, what do you do when you have to see these guys regularly?



  208.  #208Femininewoman on May 22, 2013 at 11:55 am

    6. Share your feelings without making him responsible

    He’s late (again), he brings up his ex, he forgets to call. These are scenarios you’re bound to run into at one time or another – even after you’re married. Most women think bringing these up will only push a man away, but the key is to draw him closer by expressing your feelings in a clear, non-blaming way that invites him to be part of the solution: “I really feel uncomfortable hearing about other women, and I don’t want to create any weirdness between the two of us. What do you think?”

    http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/top-10-tips-for-finding-true-love-this-year/



  209.  #209Femininewoman on May 22, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    “Is there anything you’d like to know about me?”

    “You know, I’m feeling really nervous here. I felt we had a great connection online, and now I’m not sure what to say,”

    The more you reveal about yourself and your true feelings, the more he’ll feel comfortable opening up about himself. If you keep this in mind, you’ll find that your next first date will be much more enjoyable. You will have learned something meaningful about another person. Even if you decide it’s not a romantic fit after all, you’ll have also gained valuable practice in how to open yourself up to the right man.



  210.  #210seahorse on May 22, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    Ohhhhhhh!!!! I love that Mel!!!! I do believe that describes myself also. A pretty cute, especially with a sweet light pink bow that is now around my neck. Small and tasteful………. I feel like a present.



  211.  #211Femininewoman on May 22, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    I must have someone I can count on to always support me.

    There is no greater pain to a man than a woman who talks about him behind his back; a woman who cannot find it in her heart to support him when he really needs it. Sure there’s times when she thinks he’s acting like a fool. That’s when we need your support the most!

    http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/the-top-ten-must-haves-for-men/



  212.  #212seahorse on May 22, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    Love Always- Smile! and be open. I have found that works for being married or single. To all humans everywhere. I smile and be open. It feels so much better than being in my head. I have made some very interesting friends these days. It felt weird at first with the ” ya know, I feel kinda miffed that the tangerines are so expensive…………….” then the check out lady and I are exchanging and the man behind gets involved and the bagger says something funny and we all laugh and the smile stays and gets shared everywhere else……. especially when you get home. Your all smiles and bubbling along, the vibe is enchanting and all want to be a part. Then they share and it goes out into the world to grow some more.

    That feels good to write:)



  213.  #213Femininewoman on May 22, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    Now I have found words to describe the way I feel in this experience

    “When I spend time with these kids, I actually end up learning from them – they make me feel like being spontaneous and just enjoying things as they come, like children do.”

    http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/spark-his-love-with-a-passion-story/



  214.  #214IamHis on May 22, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    “…it is not the situation that’s making the person angry, but the feeling that they are entitled to things from others. They want to control others and, as a result, they have no control over themselves. So, when they lose their wished-for control over someone, they “lose it.” They get angry.”



  215.  #215IamHis on May 22, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    “Anger is only a feeling inside the other person. It cannot jump across the room and hurt you. It cannot “get inside” you unless you allow it. Staying separate from another’s anger is vitally important. Let the anger be in the other person. He will have to feel his anger to get better.”



  216.  #216Mercedes on May 22, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    LL: “I think that’s key but wondering about when he offers to pick me up for a date…then there’s always the thing at the end of the date where he expects to come in. ”

    You could say (before you leave the restaurant): “Let’s both take a quick restroom break before we go so you don’t use that excuse to come in when we get back to my place.” 🙂 Clears up any confusion about the fact that he’s not invited in *and* removes any anxiety HE might have about asking. Two birds, one stone.

    Seahorse: With regard to your situation, I’m happy to see the sirens here have helped you feel good about that comment. For me, that man was being rude and obnoxious and deserved to be cut down. If he was trying to compliment you and that was the best he could come up with, at least my words would have insured he run those compliments by a friend first before trying them out in public next time.

    Ick! Still think it was a horrible thing to say.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  217.  #217seahorse on May 22, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    FW- thanks for the links to eharmony. Very interesting read.

    Mercedes- I still don’t feel good about when they say it. It’s more, i get where they are coming from? You have to see their face and body language when they are saying it. It would be like kicking my dog for peeing on the carpet almost. hahahahhahaha!! Just cracked myself up!!! ahhahahaaa!
    I guess it’s taking the backazzward compliment and smiling all cute and sassy with a wink then saying from the heart thank you. I like the way that feels when I think of doing it. Give him something to think about…………..:)



  218.  #218Lydia on May 22, 2013 at 1:14 pm

    Rori!! – please help! I’m in a really tricky situation with my partner as I find expressing my feelings quite hard anyway, but often when I feel a feeling that I would term ‘negative’ with my partner and I want to express it, I get all caught up and feel I can’t as I don’t want to appear like I’m blaming/ attacking him as it says in your book! I don’t know what to do about this as I often have this situation at the moment as he’s stressed and had just moved home so – very stressed! – and so more defensive and I probably am more tentative and sensitive because of this and because I care about him! What do you think I should do?! He often ends up asking me what’s wrong and I end up saying ‘I wish you hadn’t done abc…’ anyway so please help me to rephrase my words and things! Blessings!
    Lyds



  219.  #219IamHis on May 22, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    Lydia, I can’t speak for Rori, but I have a feeling she’ll need more info from you in order to help you.

    For example, when he asks you what’s wrong, instead of saying “I wish you hadn’t done…”

    you could say something like “when I didn’t hear from you on Tuesday night when you said you would call, I felt really scared, lonely, and abandoned. I don’t like feeling that way…”

    see the difference?

    “I wish YOU hadn’t…” sounds accusing…

    “I felt scared and lonely…” sounds authentic, true, and something that any good man would want to envelope with warmth, safety, and consistency.

    Of course, you’ll have to talk about what makes you feel safe and what doesn’t, what seems reasonable to him and what doesn’t, etc. and come up with a solution that works for both of you…



  220.  #220Liquid Light on May 22, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    @mercedes

    that sounds bold but fun too…thanks! I might try it esp if I’ve had a couple glasses of wine! hahahaha!!!

    one guy that I was dating (but stopped dating because he was too aggressive and too cheap) was so presumptuous about coming in. Once they get in your door then they always expect to again. ughh…



  221.  #221Dominique on May 22, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    Liquid Light – 188 – One of my teachings which I think is SO important is bringing things back to you.

    For example in this situation, is my reaction commensurate with what was just said? Or am I being triggered about something which has nothing to do with what’s at hand? Am I projecting my meaning (often based again on my triggers) onto something which was innocently spoken. It may have been awkwardly spoken; it may have come out wrong, and it may have been spoken in boy speak, yet without bad intent, i.e not meant to hurt.

    I don’t recommend speaking in a knee jerk manner.

    If after this (which can be processed in seconds or at least minute) a bad feeling remains, then I would ask for clarification first.

    I wouldn’t suggest going to something like – that felt bad. Not yet.

    I’ve been with K for so long that if this ever happens, I know with all I have that whatever he says or does is with good intent.

    And he too is allowed a grumpy moment when it arises if it ever does. And in this case I would ask for clarification as I said above.

    In most if not all cases which for him is rare, he will admit to feeling off which always relates to work, and he will apologize and snap out of his mood quickly.

    Does this clarify things?

    xxoo



  222.  #222Dominique on May 22, 2013 at 2:14 pm

    Seahorse – YAY you!!!

    xxoo



  223.  #223Dominique on May 22, 2013 at 2:18 pm

    Liquid Light – 203 – To add to 220 – Do I always have things together? No of course not. For the most part though both of us are calm personalities, so we don’t argue, rarely have tension between us.

    Do I have a cranky moment now and then? Yes I do. And K, sweet thing that he is knows me well and will laugh at me (good naturedly) which always pulls me out of my mood. How can I be upset when my man is loving me in this way?

    xxoo



  224.  #224Dominique on May 22, 2013 at 2:24 pm

    Lydia – 217 – It would be helpful if you could give a specific scenario.

    xxoo



  225.  #225Liquid Light on May 22, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    Yeah, that does sound great, Dominique. Happy for you!

    I’m still recovering (reeling? hahahaha) from my last relationship. I’m feeling really leery of sexual energy coming towards me right now because I felt like my ex was using sex to manipulate/control me.

    I really don’t want to be with another pushy man, but I don’t really like wimpy men either! hahahaha!

    I’d kinda like to just be friends with a man first but that never works. They always want something physical and so then it doesn’t really feel like friendship.

    I just hope I can learn to trust myself again regarding men. I really feel like I was duped in my last relationship so am feeling guarded and distrustful. But I guess its ok to not date for a while??? It seems like the attitude here is “date no matter what?” hahahaha!!!



  226.  #226Dominique on May 22, 2013 at 2:43 pm

    Liquid Light – Of course you feel leery. And yes it is perfectly okay to take a break if this is what feels best to you right now. How about CDing the world instead, the dog tied up outside the coffee house or the bird flying by or the the person standing next to you in line, and so on.

    Something SO healing if your weather is warm enough is to go outside where there is at least a little bit of Nature, your backyard, the park, the gardens, and simply BE in it, Feel the breezes on your skin, inhale the aromas, just BE.

    xxoo



  227.  #227Janetta on May 22, 2013 at 2:53 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I think I have heard you say “you don’t have to be in a relationship”!
    I’m living with a man who loves me and wants commitment, but he is constantly preoccupied with work and I think he just likes having me around.
    Meanwhile I’m longing to go out and have dates and fun with other guys.
    I want the security and love he gives me, and I want the fun and thrills of discovering myself and feeling attractive again.
    Maybe it’s not time for me to be in a relationship??



  228.  #228Liquid Light on May 22, 2013 at 2:54 pm

    Yes that is a good idea, Dominique. Nature is healing. I’ll go on a walk later, thanks!

    I’m planning on leaving this small rural town – first a stalker and now this – so its time for me to leave. Of course, it doesn’t help that I have such little support here. I feel very isolated. So maybe this whole thing happened for a reason. Its given me the drive to move to an area where I have more support and more options (men and work-wise). Yay!!!!



  229.  #229Liquid Light on May 22, 2013 at 3:44 pm

    Wow, something just hit me and that is how lucky I am. I have the means to leave, I have a great job with a lot of flex, and that gives me the freedom to move when and where I want. Really, I can leave WHENEVER I want to and am not stuck here. I am so lucky that I have so much to fall back on. And I’ve got a lot of loving family in the area that I am moving to! Wow, have been feeling down in the dumps but really I should be grateful and happy!!! Yeehaw!!!



  230.  #230Dominique on May 22, 2013 at 3:47 pm

    Awesome Liquid Light, SO nice.

    xxoo



  231.  #231Liquid Light on May 22, 2013 at 3:59 pm

    Thanks Dominique!!! 🙂



  232.  #232prplpsn28 on May 22, 2013 at 4:20 pm

    Indigo 138 – I totally agree



  233.  #233prplpsn28 on May 22, 2013 at 4:30 pm

    156 Mercedes – OMG! Love it!

    Seahorse – that is absolutely terrible! What a total jerk!



  234.  #234Violette on May 22, 2013 at 4:36 pm

    Thank you for your supportive comments Millie 137, Andrea 139, and FW 146/7.

    I dated this guy a few months ago (and we were sleeping together) and he disappeared, then called and left a message about a month ago. I wasn’t going to call back because I felt like his message was all, hey babe, call me…and it felt playery. But recently I’ve felt reflective from running into so many men from my past last month, and I’ve felt alone, like my boundaries are too strict.

    I called him back because I wanted to tell him how I felt about something, rather than…not express myself! But I wouldn’t have said it on the phone. Then he invited me to see his play, and hang out after, and I thought, that will be fun and I can say what I want to him! Plus I felt happy to see his work.

    So when he said remind me about the tickets, I thought, ok, but he’ll never forget…and now, I don’t know…if it feels good to remind him and go and say what I wanted, or to let go and speak to him whenever he next contacts me.

    I feel free and happy when I’m with him…but I’m not sure how to feel empowered right now in this situation…



  235.  #235Violette on May 22, 2013 at 4:37 pm

    I don’t want to wast my time. I want to marry a great guy and have a family.

    Then again I don’t want to miss out on the gifts life is giving me right now…

    How do I know if I wasting my time or exploring valuable new adventures?



  236.  #236Violette on May 22, 2013 at 4:38 pm

    FW your experience in 145 was totally inspiring. Thanks for posting that!



  237.  #237Syreena on May 22, 2013 at 4:43 pm

    74: Liquid Light

    “Syreena, how long do you think is long enough? just curious…i’m finding this topic really interesting!!! 🙂

    Not until conflict has arisen, I don’t believe we know anyone until we have seen how they react in conflict and what triggers them. When people let their guard down showing their true selves. This takes time. And listening carefully to what they say about other people and relationships. Shows you where they are at. I would say three months was minimum personally to when most start letting their guard down if they are trying to impress and show you their good points.

    My take on rori saying to tell the truth and express all emotions positive or negative in the moment is the same as yours.

    So if we are angry, sad jealous, feeling second class whatever to be honest. But to then take care of our own feelings around it.



  238.  #238Syreena on May 22, 2013 at 4:51 pm

    Liquid Light.

    Rori Raye. “This gives “scripts” to help women communicate with men during relationships.
    A Love Script is a simple formula for clearly communicating your feelings and needs with a man in a way that will melt his heart, bring him close, and inspire him to make you happy.
    When you speak to a man using a Love Script, you immediately feel confident and grounded, knowing that you are communicating in a way that he can really hear. No longer will you feel thrown off balance or unsure what to say, because you will always be able to use your Love Scripts in a way that feels entirely natural to you and in your own words.
    Instead of spending hours dissecting “what he said” and what you should have said, you’ll feel relaxed and at ease because you and your man understand each other so well. You’ll never again have to swallow your pride, stew in silence, or painfully regret what you said that pushed him away.
    You see, the feelings you think of as difficult for him to hear – like anger and jealousy – are actually compellingly attractive to him… IF you express them the right way. It’s true. Contrary to what you may think, men aren’t afraid of feelings. They actually YEARN to experience feelings with a woman. What turns men off is drama and out-of-control emotions.
    Having a Love Script is like a magic key for unlocking your man’s heart every time – by helping you communicate your feelings clearly, simply, and compellingly.
    Love Scripts work because they communicate your feelings without attacking him or making him feel wrong. They also give him the opportunity to make things RIGHT with you.
    It’s a simple yet powerful method for:
    ?Identifying what you’re truly feeling
    ?Translating the feeling into words that he can readily understand
    ?Expressing the feeling in a way that will move him to make you happy
    ?Inspiring him to be open and expressive with you, because he feels safe
    With Love Scripts, you speak directly from your heart – rather than your head – in order to instantly connect with his heart and trigger a positive response. There’s no guesswork for him, no hiding and pretending for you, no more conversations that spiral into endless arguments. You become team mates rather than opponents, and the process works to forge a strong bond between the two of you that deepens every day. And the more he feels he can make you happy, the deeper he falls in love.
    You’ll be astonished by how just changing the words you use with a man will make you infinitely more attractive to him and will instantly reach deep into his heart so that he wants to listen to you, please you, and get closer to you. Suddenly, you’re free to be yourself – REALLY you – and make a man fall even more in love with you for it!”



  239.  #239Kim on May 22, 2013 at 5:21 pm

    Hi Rori – I bought your ebook, Modern siren and read many of your blog articles. Your tools have changed my life! Last January, an old associate asked me out and we started dating. He seemed into me and like he wanted to make me happy. After a couple of dates, I went over to his place to have dinner. I had too much wine and ended up having to sleep over. We slept in the same bed but we didn’t have se-x. I know he would like too but he has never pressured me for se-x.
    – Shockingly though, after that he didn’t ask me out on a date. He would contact me but not ask me out. I felt a bit clingy and panicked and confused at the time but I Circular dated. Three weeks later, I had to leave town for a bit and told him so and he asked me to come over for dinner again or suggested he came to my place. Truthfully Rori I wanted to go but I felt I would be a low difficulty woman if I agreed to that so I sent a text message saying… I want to see you but I feel uncomfortable with that kind of date. What are your thoughts?
    …Like you suggested we do in the ebook.
    And….He never responded. I felt so shocked!

    …but when I returned from my trip he liked my “I’m back” status message on Facebook. I felt confused because I took his lack of response as a silent rejection but the fact that he was visiting my Facebook made me think he wanted to be on good terms so I wrote him one week later asking how he was doing and saying it was nice having him as a friend…Since he was an old associate I didn’t want to leave things awkward and I also wanted to extend the olive branch and maybe go back to being friends or maybe start dating again if he was keen…but like before but he didn’t respond to that either. I felt so confused!

    Anyway, I’m circular dating and looking forward to meeting Mr. Right but Rori I can’t help but feel like I did something wrong while dating that guy. Piece of me wants to reach out and just clear the air. I have a hard time seeing him as a sleaze ball. He seemed sincere. Did I do ‘something wrong’ when communicating with him?



  240.  #240Arachne on May 22, 2013 at 5:39 pm

    Seahorse – I know it triggered you, and I obviously don’t know the guy who said that to you, or the context in which it happened, yet my intuition says that there might be a chance he’s not a jerk, just not very bright/socially savvy. Maybe the poor guy actually wanted to pay you a compliment, but was too bluntly honest about it. I’ve got compliments like this, too, and I appreciated the honesty of saying what he likes about me. Not anyone can like everything about us – and that’s perfectly ok, and it doesn’t mean that we’re not great!

    Also, it reminded me of Rori’s advice about choosing to think that guys don’t want to hurt us, but are actually doing the best they can. Something like: “Oh, you poor boy!” I really liked that part, I think it was somewhere in “Love Scripts for Dating”, if I’m not wrong.



  241.  #241Arachne on May 22, 2013 at 5:43 pm

    Oh, and it also reminded me of something a friend of mine said happened to her mother: her mother was walking with her when she was very little, and an old woman came to her and candidly told her: “I’ve seen you walk around here often, and I always admire you, but I keep wondering: how can such a gorgeous woman like you have such an ugly baby?” – so, see, the art of expressing admiration is not an easy one…



  242.  #242Liquid Light on May 22, 2013 at 5:52 pm

    Thanks for posting that, Syreena, love that!!!! Spot on!!!



  243.  #243Liquid Light on May 22, 2013 at 5:59 pm

    Wow, Syreena, 3 months??? You are blowing my mind! hahahaha!!! Ok, need to chew on that a bit…would love that, it just seems almost impossible…yikes, maybe that means I’m a total slut!!! hahahaha!!! but I guess there are worse things to be, like a serial killer etc hahahahaha!!!

    😀



  244.  #244Daria on May 22, 2013 at 8:26 pm

    ladies i put an end to the polygamy thing

    !

    🙂

    i went to see him and i felt kinda tense, but eventually with hugs and relaxing my body relaxed and i felt good

    i said “i feel like i landed”

    he said “i feel like i caught you”

    it felt so good!

    i feel so loved

    and i could tell the way he looks at me and kisses me, i feel like a baby bird being taken care of

    mmmm

    he wants me so much

    and then at the end he planned to meet up with her to do some money related things and i was

    i had to spell it out

    i feel mad, and i dont want to see her. ever again in life.

    not even in a bad way, its just not healthy

    hes like its not?

    im like yah it doesnt feel good

    i said it agian it doesnt feel good…

    and then there was silence and i felt… that guilt/fear/wall

    and then i just let myself feel it, while relaxing into it

    long seconds passed

    and he made some lil comment about something else, and i commented back, and i felt good again

    and i dropped him off close by there, and he didnt wnat me to go home, he wouldve wanted me to wait a bit for him to get done, but i was not gonna wait so i went home

    this is all while we’re connected… not in a bad/dramatic/punishing way at all

    totally surrendered…

    mmm i feel so good about myself



  245.  #245Daria on May 22, 2013 at 8:28 pm

    he was supposed to call me after, and i didn’t hear from him or get a text, and i feel really good about that

    sigh 🙂

    no more obsession

    i feel free 🙂



  246.  #246Femininewoman on May 22, 2013 at 8:35 pm

    Arachne – the art of expressing admiration is not an easy one…

    Very wise observation though I would rather believe that with a conscious intention and commitment it is easy to learn to help my mind to accept it. I believe this is one of the few relationship skills that make a woman irrisistible to men and sets her apart.



  247.  #247Indigo on May 22, 2013 at 10:16 pm

    Re: the funny ways guys express admiration or compliment us,

    D sometimes wraps his arms around me, holds me close and says “slut” with a naughty sparkle in his eye. The first couple of times he did it I was highly offended, though I said nothing. I thought, can he not come up with a better thing to say? Does he have to use *that* word?

    It was only later that I realized that no, flowery words are not what it’s about with this man, and he was actually trying to be playful with me and show that he desired me. Because it was always accompanied by a bit of a cuddle and a smile, and I thought, wow, guys’ way of seeing things is totally different from ours. He means it in a totally positive sense. These days, I still don’t like the word, yet I take it for the full compliment that it was meant.



  248.  #248Emerson on May 22, 2013 at 10:39 pm

    236 I want to order the love scripts from rori just can’t afford it right now…
    It would be great to have some really good scripts ready



  249.  #249Emerson on May 22, 2013 at 10:41 pm

    I spoke with recycledcd today he was very nice. I see a softer side of him the last few times we’ve talked.
    On another note…
    I’m feeling sick over the events in London and Stockholm.



  250.  #250BeLoved on May 23, 2013 at 2:40 am

    I feel wowed…
    I got a msg from my daughter-in-law yesterday, she wanted me to talk to my son because she’s really unhappy with some of his behavior.
    So I did, but mostly I just information gathered and listened, instead of spinning off into fear and control (she was threatening to leave him and I felt a little triggered at the idea of my son and I losing a relationship with the baby).

    I heard him out, asked him some questions, told him I love him no matter what and left it at that.
    I told my DIL about Rori and The Queen’s Code and asked her if she would be interested and she said, she thinks HE has the problem, but it couldn’t hurt so go ahead and share with her.

    I nearly cried. Actually, I feel all teary and bubbling now. As far as I can tell, they are scared as heck of becoming parents, and desperately want something better than what they’ve seen their parents do, and have no idea of how to go about it.

    I don’t know if she’ll take to any of the material, but she’s open, and I know he loves and is committed to her…so…. a glimmer of light is shimmering here.

    As for me, I went internal, imagined stepping into a huge beam of G0d’s light, with my son and DIL, saying, “here we are”, and as I did that more and more of our family members stepped in, and more and more people until all of humanity were standing in the light and we were laughing and crying together.

    This is so different for me – last time stuff went south with them I felt so freaked out and controlling and was chastising them both – but at least they know I treat them equally, lol.

    She is a thespian so the love scripts might be fun for her…I don’t know, I don’t want to put too much of my imagination into it, I want to stay open and responsive and allow things to unfold in a natural and easy way. I feel proud that I didn’t make a horrible mess of things with over-controlling the way I have in the past. I feel good that I have cultivated the skills to respond in better ways.



  251.  #251Zia on May 23, 2013 at 3:01 am

    Been feeling hyper-sensitive lately and I’m the sort who tends to get super affected by the full moon.

    Have had a few nice guys email/contact me lately. One email I received this morning was so polite and charming, it felt so good to receive it!

    And so just now when I received an email from a different guy I’ve been conversing with who says “so you wanna meet up or wot”…

    I feel hugely triggered for some reason?! I don’t even want to respond. I’m sure he’s just in the clueless category…. but right now I just want gentlemanly and nice, and considerate.



  252.  #252Zia on May 23, 2013 at 3:02 am

    I think I’m feeling triggered because the style of the conversation has been quite similar to my ex. I think I need to respond when my mind isn’t foggy from wine. If I respond at all…



  253.  #253Heart on May 23, 2013 at 3:40 am

    FW – wow! what audio did u listen to?



  254.  #254Krystal on May 23, 2013 at 6:22 am

    Love your work.

    Could you tell me where I could down load the
    “Toxic Man Quiz”?

    Thank you,



  255.  #255Sassy on May 23, 2013 at 6:42 am

    Beloved,
    Not knowing what the issues are between your son and DIL, however, there are some men that have a difficult time seeing their wives/lovers as potential mothers. They don’t know how to shift that process.
    Just a thought.



  256.  #256Femininewoman on May 23, 2013 at 6:50 am

    Emerson I feel sick and disgusted to my core.



  257.  #257Femininewoman on May 23, 2013 at 6:56 am

    Indigo I wonder if using the feel in a question could have helped him to change his communication?

    “Feeling horny or bored?” with feminine batting of the eyes and a smile.



  258.  #258Linda on May 23, 2013 at 7:32 am

    I read thru the last couple of threads. There are some amazing comments out here. Much food for thought.

    I was particularly impacted by some posts that Andrea posted last thread. Realizing that there are behavior patterns that lead us down the path we dont want to walk again and making changes, tweaks… remembering to feel and not go into auto pilot and the tug of war in all of that process is something exciting and challanging.

    I am in the same place, maybe just a few experiences and realizations (steps) ahead or behind at times but feel in the same place.

    There are times when I am with FavoriteCD that I in tune with my feelings other times I am not. Often I am not even aware it has happened…I will be plodding along, totally in my “head thinky boy energy”… then I hear a voice say…. “Linda are you ok? you seem stressed or angry or ” or I get a ” I think we need to talk about”…. FavoriteCD has demonstrated in several ways over and over again that he is tuned in to me. Usually when that has happened… it is like I receive a jolt” yep AGAIN I was in my head thinking, processing and not even close to being in touch with what I am feeling at the moment. I even am beginning to believe that FavoriteCD senses it and is missing the authentic version of me and that it prompts him to inquire. I certainly must admit that I definately dont feel Present or Engaged in the moment when I am in my “head” energy.I dont much care for that disengaged version of myself either. THe progress and comfort I have in all this is at least is that am I aware of difference now.

    I feel open to life , people, my career, love life, my children, grandson, friends, even casual aquaintences when I am in touch with my feelings. It is a much more enabling way to live.

    I feel happier too!



  259.  #259Femininewoman on May 23, 2013 at 7:50 am

    Heart – Listen to it I realized there was a wellspring of untapped fear around really succeeding at creating big love. I felt so afraid and frightened I felt like running away screaming. For the first time I realized how really afraid I am of having true love. Just thinking about whether I am worthy is causing shaky energy to rise up in my chest area.

    http://evolvingwisdom.com/soulmatesecret/download/

    The 3 Keys to Manifesting True Love

    also talked about the most common reasons why single people in the prime of their life have not yet found that kind of true love. It almost always comes down to these 3 main reasons:

    1. Lack of clarity about what you really want from a relationship

    2. Too much physical and emotional clutter blocking true love from entering

    3. Not knowing the right manifestation techniques for raising your “love vibration” and making your dreams a reality



  260.  #260Linda on May 23, 2013 at 7:51 am

    I realized today that I got the way I was.. always in my boy, thinking energy because feelings were really NOT encouraged as I was growing up. Being… “smart”, “wise” thinking ahead” was and I felt approved of when I was perceived like that. To some exent I still do, but the shift that has happened in me is that now I a, listening and validating my feelings first and then responding accordingly with them being considered has been a strong connection point for me in my day to day life now.

    I cringe when I hear it said that feelings will cause you to be unstable and to never operate you life with them in control. Hmmmm that is a bunch of hooey!



  261.  #261Femininewoman on May 23, 2013 at 7:51 am

    *Heart – Listening to it I realized that I have a wellspring of untapped fear around really succeeding at creating big love. *



  262.  #262Liquid Light on May 23, 2013 at 8:16 am

    Linda

    This is great that you know when you are not feeling present or engaged. yes, I agree, men can pick up on this right away. I started to become disengaged in my last relationship (because of feeling overwhelmed mostly) and within a few weeks, he broke up with me! It all happened really fast but I knew I was disengaged and just thought it would be OK until I felt less stressed. But the truth is, being disengaged emotionally can really kill a relationship and it can happen very quickly. Now I know.



  263.  #263MovingMagic on May 23, 2013 at 8:28 am

    I sat, entangled in the roots of a tree in Central Park Tuesday evening. I had just danced to live drumming in a dance class. I felt calm and centered…like I was exactly where I needed to be.



  264.  #264Kath on May 23, 2013 at 8:45 am

    OK- I’m still learning to be a queen right!?- but last night I tried to make a deal with my guy about the weekend. He’d said already that he was going to go to a rally on saturday night with his brother (if it was alright with me!) I said I would prefer it if he didn’t go but I understood but could he see his way to lending me some money because I didn’t want to stay in on my own for another saturday night. He didn’t understand what I meant and then said that he hadn’t ACTUALLY decided whether he was going or not and his brother probably wouldn’t decide until friday morning. I said that I would prefer to be with him but it wasn’t fair of him to expect me to make plans at the last minute when he’d decided what he was doing. He ended up losing his temper because he said I was making things so complicated but I really didn’t understand why he thought I was the one making it complicated. Can you help?



  265.  #265prplpsn28 on May 23, 2013 at 8:46 am

    I’m feeling triggered today. Things with H have been going really good but yet I’m feeling frustrated and anxious. What?? Why?? Ugh!



  266.  #266Tereana on May 23, 2013 at 8:56 am

    Dominique – Thank you! (127)



  267.  #267Femininewoman on May 23, 2013 at 9:10 am

    Kath – “it wasn’t fair of him to expect me to make plans at the last minute when he’d decided what he was doing”.

    This is blaming him for making your life miserable. You told him what you preferred but did not respect his right to say no and go to do what he wants to do. You waiting around for him is putting too much responsibility on him. Best to let him know that you feel disappointed without making him responsible. His comment about complication maybe was his best attempt at saying he was feeling resentful or that he needs his space.



  268.  #268April Rose on May 23, 2013 at 9:13 am

    Kath,

    Did you use those words “it isn’t fair of you to expect…” etc. to him?
    If so, you’re giving him your power. Men don’t want that. They get annoyed!

    As a confident siren, you’ll want to decide how much advance notice you require for dates, and have it as a gentle boundary. “I don’t want to make last minute plans, it feels too chaotic and uncertain and I don’t like feeling that way”.
    Then if you don’t have a date in place (decide how much in advance feels best for you) you simply make another plan. And say (sweetly, not sarcastically) “oh, I didn’t hear from you about Saturday, so I made plans to go out with the girls (or whatever)”.



  269.  #269April Rose on May 23, 2013 at 9:16 am

    And then enjoy whatever you have planned.
    With no resentment towards him for not doing what you want him to.



  270.  #270April Rose on May 23, 2013 at 9:18 am

    Trying, hinting, hoping, wishing for a man to do the things that you want him to do, are all forms of manipulation.

    And he can smell it!!



  271.  #271BeLoved on May 23, 2013 at 9:24 am

    260

    Kath

    How did you respond when he said you were making things complicated?
    Did you say how it felt, and what you wanted/didn’t want?
    When these little patterns flare up, being able to choose a different response can make all of the difference.
    “I’m feeling confused and disconnected, and I don’t want to feel this way. I want to feel connected, cooperative and partnered with you again, I don’t know how to get back to that, I don’t know what to do. What do you think?”

    I’m thinking of a recent interaction where I fell into an old pattern, and what I would have done when things felt so heated in the past was to hang up on T.
    I used FM’s, hung in there with myself through the gawdawful feelings of vulnerability, and he said, “well, I just made a sandwich, how about we take a few minutes to regroup while I eat this, and I will call you back in 15?”

    So, essentially I got the same benefit as if I had hung up on him, lol. Only better because our connection grew and there was no damage to repair, like there would have been if I had hung up on him. I got the safety and time I needed to regroup, he felt really good because he saw a new side of me, he felt GREAT that he came up with the solution, a tricky trigger that had plagued us for YEARS came undone, I felt like a rock star for allowing myself to be and feel so vulnerable, and when he called me back we could talk about things much more easily. It felt harmonious.
    Win win win.



  272.  #272Rori Raye on May 23, 2013 at 10:01 am

    Krystal – Hi – it’s in the Toxic Men program – Love, Rori



  273.  #273Femininewoman on May 23, 2013 at 10:04 am

    “Incidentally, a really important part of this recipe for relationship (and life) success is SELF-CONFIDENCE. You need to have the confidence in yourself to recognize the value of your own opinions … and the confidence to ACT on them.

    It’s ESPECIALLY important to apply this concept in relationships. If you ever let a man feel like he’s fully ‘in control’, or that you NEED him for anything (to be happy … to function in day to day life … etc), then he has GOT you.

    And when I say he’s got you, trust me, he’s GOT you!

    Look, it’s totally OK for you to let him know that you absolutely love him to bits and you’re 100% committed.

    But it’s NOT OK for you to give him the idea that he’s IN CONTROL.

    You need to learn how to be The Leader.

    I’m not talking about getting a job in politics, ‘wearing the pants’ at home, or trying to control other people.

    I’m talking about focusing on YOURSELF, and focusing on being IN CONTROL OF YOURSELF and of
    what happens TO YOU.

    This means that, to a certain extent, you need to develop a certain irreverence for what other
    people think of you and the choices that you make.
    (To reiterate: not the people THEMSELVES … just what they THINK.)

    This absolutely applies to the relationships you have with men. In fact, it’s an area of your life where you cannot afford to NOT be The Leader.

    What does being The Leader mean?

    It means never asking for permission, and never
    seeking approval.

    It means that you make choices for yourself, and you consult with YOURSELF before asking anybody else’s opinion. (This will stop you from falling prey to the destructive and attraction-destroying habit of automatically turning to him and asking, “What do YOU think?”)

    It’s an interesting and paradoxical thing: when
    you try to tailor your actions and choices in order to get somebody’s permission or approval, VERY RARELY will they actually give it to you.

    They will sense your lack of authority over yourself, and this will cause them to lose respect
    for you.”

    Your friend,

    Mirabelle Summers

    MeetYourSweet.com



  274.  #274Rori Raye on May 23, 2013 at 10:04 am

    Kim – no sleazeball – it just wasn’t a match. Please do nothing around this man – not even think about him. Please don’t ever go over to a man’s house, please don’t drink with a man you like and want to get to know, don’t sleep over unless you’re going to have sex and can be fine if you never hear from him again. Love, Rori



  275.  #275Rori Raye on May 23, 2013 at 10:06 am

    Janetta, I don’t know how old you are….and either you’re as terrified of intimacy as the rest of us, and so don’t want to do anything to work on the relationship that might bring you closer – OR you’re not ready to “settle in” and need to consider what you really want. I’d try the “working on the relationship” first – since you’re already living there. Love, Rori



  276.  #276Femininewoman on May 23, 2013 at 10:11 am

    “One day, she asks her boyfriend what he thinks of red lipstick on a woman, and he tell her that he doesn’t find it attractive. In fact, it kinda turns him off. He prefers the natural look on the lips – or anything, really, just as long as it’s not bright red.

    As a result of this, she decides against putting on red lipstick that night … and, as it turns out, ever again (for the duration of their relationship, at least, which I can guarantee you will be neither long nor satisfying.)

    When the woman in the above example decided to
    disregard her opinion in favor of his, she did 2
    things: she demeaned herself …

    … and she actually made herself LESS attractive
    to him.

    This is what being The Leader is all about: it’s about being SELF-REFERENCED, which means that you make decisions based on what YOU think.

    This doesn’t mean you can’t ask for opinions or
    help from others. Being a leader isn’t about being
    too proud to accept input. What it DOES mean is
    that you value your own opinions FIRST AND
    FOREMOST, and are prepared to act on them.

    When you begin to incorporate this attitude into your life, you will notice that 3 major things will occur as a result:

    1. Your self-confidence will rise by LEAPS AND
    BOUNDS. There is nothing – NOTHING – quite so
    empowering as the ability to live by your OWN rules and opinions. When what you say truly goes as far as you and your life are concerned, you have the ultimate power.

    2. Your life will quickly, and more easily than you would ever have thought possible, begin to shape itself to reflect who YOU are and what YOU want. Essentially, the universe will support your decision to be true to yourself by supporting the choices that you make.

    3. You will attract the kinds of people to you who actually value self-confidence and self-esteem in their companions … and these are the kinds of people who make healthy relationships EASY and
    NATURAL. “



  277.  #277Millie on May 23, 2013 at 10:24 am

    @femininewoman 147

    I hear what you are saying. Rereading my post I hear judgement and an accusatory tone in my voice. You are right, he owes no one anything. Whatever he chooses to do or say is not wrong. I realize my error in trying to “change” him. Thank you for addressing that.



  278.  #278Femininewoman on May 23, 2013 at 10:24 am

    I call them *man traps*.

    There are others…

    One of them is the *needy trap*

    The game goes like this…

    He offers to help you with something. You gladly accept.

    He offers to help you with something else. You gladly accept again.

    He again helps you with something. You accept.

    At some point…SOMETHING INSIDE HIM FLIPS…

    And he feels because you need so much help you are a needy woman.

    Rooting For You,

    T Dub

    His heart light goes YELLOW and he becomes very

    cautious about moving forward in a serious relationship

    with you.

    IMPORTANT: I am NOT saying you are needy. I’m saying

    you fell into one of his many traps.



  279.  #279Rori Raye on May 23, 2013 at 4:34 pm

    syreena, yes, Thank you for saying your discomfort and upset at my “Guidelines” – and thank you so much for sticking here and working through it. And – I am closing this socio-political discussion, not because it’s off-topic – but because it puts us in our brains, in our heads, thinking through things – and that is not what this blog is for. I realize that people who simply “find” this blog (not you, Syreena, you’ve been here as a treasured voice for a long while…I’m talking about passing visitors) can’t understand what’s going on here…and that’s the point. “Poetry” is nonsensical. The language of feelings, how they flow through us, become words that we then CHOOSE to express from – and that’s what we’re doing here. Yes, I get to give opinions, that’s my job here.

    Again – if anyone has questions about the Guidelines, please look over in the sidebar at the Guidelines page. And if it’s not clear, please ask me directly.

    Again – this is not a forum for ideas. It’s a “working group.” A support group. It’s about feelings, it’s about curiosity and peace, and it’s not about pursuing answers. Love, Rori



  280.  #280Emerson on May 23, 2013 at 9:59 pm

    I had a rough day. Feeling sad and lonely. Some days are just like that I guess. No someone is revving their car outside my house, I feel rage like I want to go out there and yell shut up !!!!



  281.  #281Kath on May 24, 2013 at 12:09 am

    FW- I wish you and I could sit down and talk about this- I love reading what you post and you really so make me think-thank you!- You are absolutely right of course. I did come over as being needy but I started out by saying I’d prefer it if he didn;t go to the rally but that I didn’t want to stay in on my own. The stupd needy part was that I then asked him if he ccould lend me some money so that I could go out too!-DOH!!!-

    I think both of us are trying to heal from the pain we;ve put each other through over the past few months-he calls it chicken and egg syndrome. I didn’t feel that he loved me anymore and pulled back from him emotionally and started getting more irritated with him. He backed off from me and was less affectionate because I had backed off from him and we reached a stalemate. When he went away for the week I know he got in touch with the X he calls “psycho” and my head has been spinning with all the things that could have happened and I’m not sure whether he slept with her or not out of anger at me. I’m scared to ask so I’ve been listening hard every time he talks to see if he lets something slip- the thing is he thinks he’s very good at covering his tracks, but I’ve told him in the past that I can see when he’s not telling the truth. We’re both in a tricky place right now-both sensitive, I just want it to get back to how it was. I am crying inside.



  282.  #282Femininewoman on May 28, 2013 at 11:40 am

    so I’ve been listening hard every time he talks to see if he lets something slip – Remember what you focus on grows.