Look Confident Even When You’re Confused

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Here’s a letter from Rachel, and It’s so universal, I’m going to write a lot about the issue of “Confidence.”:

“Rori, Here’s my situation, I have been single for about a year, and can’t figure out why.  I’m quite attractive and at times confident (if I’m not interested in a man), but as soon as a man possibly suggests he may like me, and I like him back, it all changes. I concentrate so hard on thinking about being with this person, thinking about whether he likes me or not, and put so much thought (not practice, I rarely approach men I like, I think they will reject me maybe) into the future!

I’m attractive to look at, but sometimes find it hard to connect, I think?!
I understand confidence has a lot to do with things, but if I’m not confident in the moment, surely a man should make the move and accept you for who you are, if he likes you?  Thanks, Rachel.”

Here’s my answer:

I don’t think there’s a single one of us who feels more comfortable, confident and easy-going with a man we LIKE than with a man we DON’T like.

And “confidence” looks like many things.

We think confidence looks like “cool.”  And “poised.”  And “together.”

But confidence is simply being “comfortable in our own skins.”

In other words – okay with who we are.

A lack of confidence isn’t enough to drive a man away who’s attracted to us – it’s how that lack of confidence EXPRESSES itself.

Here’s one way a lack of confidence can push a man away:

We feel uncomfortable with ourselves in the moment, and so we shut down on the outside in order to appear “cool.”

This doesn’t give what we often think is a desirable “Ice Princess” effect (an Ice Princess has got that “Diva, Bitch, Babe” vibe that says she’ll put herself first no matter what – and that IS attractive to many men).

And it doesn’t give another “desirable” vibe – the  “casual” effect, either.

At its best, it just makes the average man afraid to approach you for fear of rejection.

And at its worst, he experiences you as “blank.” As having no energy at all. As simply not “being there.” And when he experiences you that way, there’s just no PULL toward you.  He may not even NOTICE you. And if he does – though he might like the way you look, and that might lead him over to talk with you, if he gets a “shut down” vibe from you – a “stiffness” and “discomfort,” he’s going to conclude instantly that you can’t HANDLE him.

If he can’t FEEL you – there’s nothing there for him to “like” except the superficial stuff. (And none of us like being liked for just that).

If we can up the ante – and be even more than “comfortable” and “okay” with ourselves – if we can actually LOVE ourselves in the presence of a man – wow – he can FEEL that.

And that pulls him in like a magnet.  That reads as confidence.

So – I’m saying – yes – that if you can practice loving yourself – no matter what – and do it in public, and in private with a man, and at a first meeting, or at a party – everywhere (and you have to practice this) – then you are creating confidence.

Even if you fall down a flight of stairs and turn bright red, even if you spill a drink, even if you burp, even if you are frightened out of your mind at how handsome the man standing in front of you is – no matter WHAT happens – if you firmly, lavishly, totally are practicing LOVING YOURSELF through the whole thing – no matter how embarrassed you may be at the same time – you will not only come across as confident, you’ll come across as amazingly, irresistibly ATTRACTIVE.

This is what my Modern Siren program is about – and it will show you how to get “into yourself” emotionally to create this kind of attractive vibe around yourself.  A vibe that will only get STRONGER – even in the most difficult circumstances.

Rachel – good luck to you, and let me know how this works for you.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Reshi on December 23, 2008 at 5:35 pm

    Rori, this makes so much sense. I’m shut down all the time when I’m in the presence of men. It’s so automatic. I can feel it happen. It’s no surprise, then, that I often have the experience of men regarding me as invisible, not there, no energy, no pull.

    Thinking back, I remember developing this defense. I was younger and got a lot of attention from good-looking boys–negative attention. Making fun of me, calling me fat and ugly, trying to make me cry. I learned quickly to shut down whenever an attractive male approached me. Make myself invisible, give him no reason to approach.

    Obviously I found a way out of this, seeing as I found someone to marry me. But after that happened (stop me if this sounds familiar) I shut right back down again because I found myself still being attracted to men, having them attracted to me, and wanting to avoid any impression or possibility of infidelity. Ugh, I was such a good girl and what did it get me? My confidence destroyed by my own hand.

    What I’m finding now, though, is that it’s coming back big time. And I definitely have Rori and the goddesses of this blog to thank for that. Even though I feel guilty for always posting about myself on here…

  2.  #2alias girl on December 23, 2008 at 10:04 pm

    wow. great post and also a great comment. i learn so much by everyone’s incredible generousity and vulnerablity on this blog.

    i could see myself shutting down my flirty attractive side if i were in a committed relationship. and i think for me that probably would not be the best thing for me. thank you reshi for sharing. i appreciate it and you.

  3.  #3alias girl on December 23, 2008 at 10:33 pm

    who’s the man i won’t leave, i wonder? if a man doesn’t treat me well. if a man takes me for granted. if a man doesn’t want a committed relationship after a significant amount of time. if a man cheats. if a man ignores me.

    i’ll just walk away.

    i used to think it was the men who left. and in some ways it was. they did some unacceptable form of behavior towards me that gave me a choice of either staying with the man or keeping my dignity but i couldn’t keep both. but it has always been me walking away. almost always.

    i fear i will never find the man who wants to stay. wow. wow. that cuts deep. i feel like i’ve almost accepted this on some level. i feel like i’ll never find that magical relationship i want.

    i also feel like why does no other love feel as good as from a certain man? how is that healthy? i just want love and fun and healthy good sex. i do not care any longer what form it takes. i don’t care. i am tired of waiting for a man to treat me right. i am tired. i am so tired of that. i don’t care if my life becomes a revolving door of men. if he treats me bad he’s out. i’m over it. me and my horse. there are no slackers on my horse. or as tlc sang i don’t want no scrub on my damn horse.

  4.  #4Erika on December 24, 2008 at 10:51 am

    Beautiful entry, Rori.

    Embracing our aliveness — all aspects of it, including the scary and messy ones — is the most powerful thing we can do, bot for ourselves and for everyone else in our life.

  5.  #5Daria on December 24, 2008 at 1:20 pm

    Wow that was a real breakthrough post for me Rori. thanks. i am actually on a date right now and I was feeling totally terrified and I was doing just that! Thank you! Hehe…

  6.  #6Daria on December 24, 2008 at 2:45 pm

    I just realized I haven’t been communicating (except indirectly) with the guy I like, probably for years. We talk about everyday stuff but I don’t express my feelings.
    I want to give him a power speech and I keep losing track because what I feel is a lot of rage and I feel weird saying it to him. I feel embarassed. I feel embarassed to tell him I feel embarassed. He might say you always feel mad at me… I would feel devastated blank stuck! Like I felt last time that happened. I feel so MAD. I don’t know how to express it I feel like I’m stuck I feel like ROAR I want to rip him apart like a big lion. Help??!! I feel scared I will rip him apart, even just with my mean energy. I feel sooo scared. I am such a dormat to him I am just realizing it… WAAH… I don’t know how to make it better… I feel powerless… I feel so totally caught up in his power… I want to have my power and feel what I want in this situation…

  7.  #7Daria on December 24, 2008 at 2:49 pm

    I still feel like I love myself right now! Yay! I am getting very good at loving myself in public! At least that’s what it feels like right now! It’s ok to have doubts. I love my doubts. I love that I sound like a crazy person. Yay. I sound like a crazy person and I love myself. And I don’t even sound like a crazy person necessarily. HEhe. I love you guys too… and I feel embarassed to write that… and I love myself. LOL. This is fun! It’s like getting high on love…

  8.  #8Linda G on December 24, 2008 at 9:26 pm

    Wow! This is uncanny! This is exactly the problem I had just tonight! I was logging onto the sight with the exact same scenario. I have been trying my hardest to circular date. But I can’t get past the first date. I m even getting emails from men that I shut them down. Well, I got one any way. Mostly, I have been mostly highly successful, using Rori’s tools and feeling messages online and in person, reeling them in for a phone call or a date. But I don’t know what to do to get past that point of the initial hook, so to speak. I rarely get a second date.
    I wish I could go to the seminar this winter.

  9.  #9Daria on December 24, 2008 at 10:45 pm

    I feel really dragged down… my God-sister told me she had a conversation with that guy I like and he said he is still not sure if he is having the baby or not. I feel really heavy in my jaw and tummy. I left her house to go home by myself because I feel so down and I don’t want to feel that way and maybe cry around her or the kids. I feel low. I know it will pass and I feel overwhelmed. I love myself. I love my deep deep heavy heavy sadness.
    That feel like heaviness in my jaw. I love my jaw and chin. That feels like a slight upturning of the corners of my mouth, and that feels like my eyes brightening. That feels lighter in my jaw. That feels like heavy in my tummy and upper jaw now. I love my tummy and upper jaw. That feels like a sigh. That feels like sinking into my tummy. That feels like sleepiness, like feeling tired. That feels like turning down corners of my mouth. I love my mouth corners, that feels like smiling! I feel tightness in my upper abdomen. I love my tightness in my upper abodmen! That feels like a bigger smile. My smile feels like it’s melting back down. I love my mouth and smily frown. That feels like sinking softly. I love my sinking feeling. That feels like yawning. I love my yawn. That feels like bleary eyes. I love my eyes, I love how they feel bleary. That feels like smiling, like a secret smile. I love my smile. I love my yawn. That feels like tight ankles, and I love my ankles. That feels like more smiling and I love my ankles, stomach And smile! That feels like more yawns. I love the tightness in my stomach. I am so cool to carry such deep heavy feelings. Sometimes they feel like I am caught in a vortex pulling me down, and I love my vortex. That feels good. It feels reassuring.

  10.  #10Cassandra on December 29, 2008 at 7:22 am

    I can totally relate to this issue. I definitely think that on some level I do/ did this. I am not sure about now but there are definitely times even in this ‘relationship’ that I am in where I do this. I can look at Charles and think ‘wow…he is so handsome and I am SO attracted to him.’ and then I can actually FEEL my entire vibe change at that moment. Hopefully the more I am working on ME and learning and growing here it will get better. 🙂

  11.  #11Nigma on October 11, 2009 at 8:35 am

    Excellent article. I’m not one to comment very frequently on anything I find on the internet, but I stumbled across this and just had to comment. This article offers an amazing insight into the “shut down” process I believe many people (both men and women) experience as a result of our insecurities and fears. We want to bring people closer but inadvertently push them away as our reaction to our egos and insecurities get in between our true selves and the people around us. This is very powerful and useful information. Thank you all for sharing your knowledge and experiences!!!

  12.  #12Rori Raye on October 13, 2009 at 7:45 pm

    Nigma, Welcome, and thank you for your comment and insight about “shutting down.” Look forward to more of your thoughts and feelings, Love, Rori

  13.  #13dawn on December 13, 2009 at 7:40 am

    I know i do this alot. The more I try not to the harder it is. If I think about I stiffen up so much I try to fix it by leaning forward.Make sense ? wow. I think I go back and forth so much I confuse myself nevermind who’s standing in front of me. I wish i realised this before.

  14.  #14Debra on July 18, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    “…even if you fall down or spill a drink – if you practicing loving yourself through the whole thing – no matter how embarrassed you may be – you will not only come across as confident, you’ll come across irresistibly ATTRACTIVE…”

    I remember being 16 and tripping getting on the school bus so vividly – even after 30 years – and that’s sad. As I’m older I find that I’m more liable to trip, drop something, or misspeak and say the “really wrong” thing. But you know what – it’s funny! I don’t know when I decided that, but I find myself laughing at myself. Then I notice that my friends/coworkers laugh too, but they are laughing at me laughing and enjoying my reaction to the dumb thing I did. It’s an interesting dynamic and much better than being embarrassed. Keep in mind, however, not a good thing to do if you have spilled something ON someone…

  15.  #15Rori Raye on July 18, 2010 at 7:07 pm

    Debra – Welcome, and I LOVE your sense of humor…Love, Rori