Losing Weight and Feeling Misery – When Defenses Come Down, You Get a New Life

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This is a brilliant letter I just got from Carol, and it is so relevant to the situation all of us find ourselves in when we make changes…and how that shakes things up in all kinds of ways…

“Rori. I don’t know what to do. Short story. I was very overweight for a long time. Obese actually my whole life. I fell in love with a man I was working with. He was already in a committed relationship, but was not very happy in it. But we were friends and I never could hope that it could go any further. He was always complimenting me and telling me how good I was. I just loved being around him and enjoyed his company.

So, I got ride of a lot of weight. Lots. I am about half the size that I was. This man used to hug me and touch me all the time. He stopped. So of course I moved forward and he moved back. He was not happy in his job, so he left in June 2009. I gave him a going away present, which he didn’t even look at . He raised his voice to me and stomped away. He returned in February of this year and smiled at me and tried to talk to me, but I just couldn’t talk to him other than to say hi. And of course now he has gone again.

So. I have no experience with men. None at all. And, I have been crying every day. Every day since June and am completely miserable. This is affecting my life and my work. I ordered your Targeting Mr. Right and have learned a lot from this. But I cannot seem to get this other man out of my mind, and you have written that somehow he knows this even if I have no contact with him. I am trying to take care of myself and trying to do more nice things for myself. I have even joined e-harmony but I am finding that I am not having any success. Perhaps I am not projecting properly.

So. Do you have any advice for me at all. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks very much. Carol

Here’s my answer:

Carol, You sound absolutely lovely – and here’s basically what I can say that will be helpful.

Your whole life you pushed away men and love with your weight. It was your defense against painful feelings that originated from traumas and situations long ago – it was not your fault.

But as you grow older and start to want to live your own life, free of subconscious interference from old defenses and patterns – we find that the habits and patterns are challenging to stop, and the feelings that come up are challenging to go through – AND – YOU DID IT!!! You must be SO proud of yourself for going past all your “stuff” and losing the weight.

Yes, of course you would choose badly in men. Of course you would – you have no experience, and your feelings about yourself based on carrying that “protection” of weight your whole life just aren’t strong enough! So every step you take is HEROIC!! I really want you to love yourself for how you’re taking your life into your own hands.

Don’t focus on results right now – look at everything as a learning experience – that’s what Circular Dating is for, and Targeting Mr. Right. Take classes, keep working on shedding the armor of your extra weight, dress to please yourself.

You’re on a whole new journey now in this life –and this man was just a blip that got you started!! Thank him, even though he’s Mr. Wrong, for getting you started – and now Mr. Right will have a chance to find you.

Your misery is important. Honor it. Old stuff is coming up.

You will automatically start looking for a man to be the “defense” your weight once was.

You’re just going to have to go out in the world in a “stripped down” way – and I want you to know how much I honor you and want to support you.

Love, Rori

Carol wrote me back with this:

“Hi, Rori.  Thanks very much for replying to me.  I’m crying as I’m typing this.  You’re right.  What I didn’t tell you was that I am working towards a new career – and this man was also in the field I’m aiming for. I have made great strides already and this is something that I have always wanted to do and when I finally did it, the weight came off, slowly (142 pounds and continuing) and it was something that I found I was actually quite good at and have earned respect from the people I work with because of it.   Before doing this for myself, I worked all day at a job I hated, helped support my mother and my sister, came home and cried and ate to fill the lonliness.  Just making a small change and doing what I wanted, helped me lose the weight.

My mother let men use her and abuse her.  We never knew our fathers at all.  She also let men into our house and ….  So yes, I guess I stayed fat because I didn’t trust them and she didn’t protect us from them.  She finally had a complete nervous breakdown when I was 13 and I became the mother and had to fix everything and take care of her and my sister, who she continued to abuse until my sister finally left and will now have no contact with her.  I am trying to slowly limit my contact with my mother, who conveniently, because of the mental problems, has forgotten everything and is a teenager with no responsibility and no cares in the world.

So.  I really, really thank you again for replying to me.  I will date myself and I have already made changes obviously in buying better clothes and standing up for myself with her and with the people I work with.  And I will try to “honour my misery”.  You are right, every day, there is a lot of it, as I ate to forget the past also and now with not overeating any more, well, it’s all coming back.

Thanks again, Rori.  I will go and check out your blog and look to the other girls there for support.”

I’m just so moved by Carol’s story.  She is awe-inspiring. She’s showing up for herself with truly heroic, towering strength to get past horrible circumstances and make a completely new life for herself – from scratch. Let’s go deeper into this and how Carol’s story and the progress she’s making can help all of us.

First – when we make changes and things get shaken up – we all instinctively want to use THAT to beat ourselves up.

If we’ve had habits that were meant to “protect” us, and now we’ve let them go – what do we do to “protect ourselves”? And so we go out there, like newborn babes, totally raw and vulnerable and doing our best to cope, and somehow expect ourselves to just jump into the mainstream of life, get on the train to our dreams, and act like we’ve been doing this all our lives.

So -here are just a few steps for when you’re shaking things up and shedding armor, pounds, habits, thoughts – whatever is not serving you and yet has become part of our “protection” against love and fear and anger:

1. Honor your feelings. Even fear, even rage, even terror, even complete and utter confusion.

2. Make a mental agreement with yourself that you will not beat yourself up for ANYTHING.

3. Make a mental agreement with yourself that you will honor your feelings by having a goal NOT of a tangible “result” out there in the world – but of practicing – slowly and methodically – allowing yourself to feel all the chaos your changes bring up…All the newness, all the new feelings – and all the OLD feelings that have been so long buried.

4. Make a mental agreement with yourself that this is important, and that it is more important than what happens in daily life. That you will stick to your plan no matter WHAT happens out there that you would naturally assume will “throw you off” or that actually does make you feel “off balance.”

5. Treasure being “off balance.” If what we wanted most of all was to be “safe” – we’d never be in love. And – a HUGE part of ourselves wants exactly THAT – to be safe AHEAD of, and MORE than, to be in love.

So – choose “off balance” instead of “safe” as much as you’re able to.

6. Give up expectations – not because your expectations are “too much” – but because when you’re wading into new, uncharted territory, there’s just no way on this earth or in your “mind” as it is that you can KNOW what having what you want will LOOK like. You just can’t know what that experience will feel like!

7. KNOW THIS THOUGH – You HAVE been happy. You HAVE had moments that felt good. So when something completely new happens that feels good – you’ll know you’re on the right track. And if something new happens that doesn’t feel good – you know you want to move away from that – especially if it’s a thought that’s coming from your own head!

Shifting into a new “normal” is an experience of transition. In Transit, you feel like you’re in limbo. There’s nothing to hang onto. You have nothing to go by that you’ve ever known before. So…

8. Assume the best. There is something better on the other side of this moment that feels weird. It’s a good thing. You’re coming out from hiding. You’re getting free, step-by-step, from old chains that held you.

Nobody said it was comfortable.

People who’ve been in prison a very long time face their hardest test when they’re released into the world. It’s like learning to walk all over again.

It can be a misery, it can be fun, it can be an adventure, it can be scary and weird and uncomfortable and chaotic. And…it’s yours.

It’s yours to keep, yours to have, yours to give away, yours to pass by.

I pick adventure and chaos above comfort and safety anytime. It’s just challenging to choose that in the moment, when I and you are feeling shaky…So – let’s practice together.

Let me know how it goes for you…

Love, Rori

Hi, Rori.  Thanks very much for replying to me.  I’m crying as I’m typing this.  If you want to use this to help anyone else go ahead.  Just don’t use my real name.  That’s all.  You’re right.  What I didn’t tell you was that I am working towards a career in television broadcasting.  So this man was also in television broadcasting.  I have made great strides already and this is something that I have always wanted to do and when I finally did it, the weight came off, slowly (142 pounds and continuing) and it was something that I found I was actually quite good at and have earned respect from the people I work with because of it.   Before doing this for myself, I worked all day at a job I hated, helped support my mother and my sister, came home and cried and ate to fill the lonliness.  Just making a small change and doing what I wanted, helped me lose the weight.

My mother let men use her and abuse her.  We never knew our fathers at all. She also let men into our house and ….  So yes, I guess I stayed fat because I didn’t trust them and she didn’t protect us from them.  She finally had a complete nervous breakdown when I was 13 and I became the mother and had to fix everything and take care of her and my sister, who she continued to abuse until my sister finally left and will now have no contact with her.  I am trying to slowly limit my contact with my mother, who conveniently, because of the mental problems, has forgotten everything and is a teenager with no responsibility and no cares in the world.

So.  I really, really thank you again for replying to me.  I will date myself and I have already made changes obviously in buying better clothes and standing up for myself with her and with the people I work with.  And I will try to “honour my misery”.  You are right, every day, there is a lot of it, as I ate to forget the past also and now with not overeating any more, well, it’s all coming back.

Thanks again, Rori.  I will go and check out your blog and look to the other girls there for support.

23 Comments

  1.  #1Triza on March 16, 2010 at 12:54 am

    Love this post!…….
    Its taken me a long time but i feel that i am really beggining to open up and allowing myself to be true to who i really i am.
    From reading this i feel that i put up expectations and beliefs on how love and life was supposed to be but i never truly searched deep within to discover what really felt good for me.I have realized i need to know me first and i need to love and cherish and understand my real self then i can move up to sharing this me that i am with the world.
    It feels good to love and accept myself no matter what.baby steps!



  2.  #2tinque on March 16, 2010 at 8:01 am

    checking for workability…



  3.  #3tinque on March 16, 2010 at 8:01 am

    Tina – it works.
    xxoo



  4.  #4Rachel on March 16, 2010 at 11:47 am

    Rori!!!

    You recently sent out an email on “How to Stop Obsessing Over a Man” (something like that). I wanted to copy some parts of it into my journal and I can’t find it… apparently I deleted it! I’m really bumming because it gave two things to do and I can only remember one of them!

    Could you (or anyone) please email it to me or cut and paste it here? Thank you!!!



  5.  #5mary on March 16, 2010 at 4:17 pm

    Have you ever felt completely obsessed by a
    man?

    Where you can’t eat, sleep, or look at a
    telephone without thinking about him?

    Where you spend most of your time trying to
    figure out what went wrong or why he hasn’t
    called, or why he’s all of a sudden so distant?

    I remember that feeling of dread in my stomach.

    Most of my clients have been through that –
    sometimes over and over again.

    Doesn’t it just make you feel like you’re back
    in high school?

    Like your hormones seem to have complete
    control over your body and your mind and you’re
    just living off of the crumbs he gives you?

    Or what you remember he once gave you?

    It doesn’t have to be like that.

    Just because we’re women, because we’re
    sensitive, kind and caring doesn’t mean we have
    to give ourselves up to keep our men.

    In fact, it’s just the opposite.

    We keep our men always moving toward us by
    reducing their importance in our lives.

    Sounds easy, I know, but truly – there’s a way
    to make this change for yourself that’s not hard
    work or painful – it just takes a step-by-step
    approach, and you have to know the steps.

    I remember a man taking over so many of my
    thoughts that it seemed like he was taking over my
    life, too.

    And I remember that happening over and over
    again, like a record I couldn’t turn off.

    It would be a different man, but the same
    record.

    I felt humiliated.

    But I figured it out, and when I did, the
    record stopped and the men who showed up were
    completely different than those men I’d been so
    hung up on.

    That’s when my husband showed up, and I was
    able to fall in love with him, let him pursue me
    and WIN me, marry me – all without hearing those
    obsessive thoughts in my head.

    And if I did it – I KNOW you can.

    Here’s a Tool to help you get started:

    Even if you’ve never had a full-blown
    obsession with a man, where you can barely
    imagine living without him and always live in
    fear of him breaking up with you, have you ever
    run your schedule around him?

    Made your plans around him?

    Watched what you said and didn’t say around
    him?

    Wanted to make him happy and make him love you
    so much that you forgot how to just be yourself?

    Thought his moods were your fault?

    Thought when he withdrew that what you needed
    to do was be “nicer” and “more understanding?”

    Well, the first thing to do that will work the
    fastest to reduce the importance of a man in your
    life (even if he’s THE most important thing – I
    don’t want you to allow him to become the ONLY
    important thing) is to stop doing all of the
    above.

    That means – no scheduling around him, no
    making plans around him, no watching what you say
    and don’t say, no trying to make him happy or
    make him love you, no “nice” and no
    “understanding” when something he does or doesn’t
    do makes YOU unhappy.

    The second thing is to get something else
    IMPORTANT into your life.

    And that would be YOU.

    Here’s how it works:

    You look out a window and imagine what it is
    that you love (aside from him).

    Imagine the love in your heart, all that
    energy and sweetness and passion, going out the
    window to that thing you love – it might be
    painting, or the beach, or giving to those less
    fortunate, or helping people in your special,
    unique way.

    Of course, I call this Tool OUT THE WINDOW.

    These two steps sound easy, and they are.

    If you’re willing.

    Because before you can make any kind of change,
    you have to want to.

    And it’s hard to want something you’ve never
    seen or done before (except with men you don’t
    care about).

    It’s hard to believe, if you’ve never seen it
    work, that it WILL work.

    And yet, I’ve seen it work brilliantly in my
    own life, and in the lives of all my clients.

    It works.

    You won’t be the one woman it doesn’t work for.

    No matter how unusual you believe you are, no
    matter how low your self-esteem, no matter how
    scattered your thoughts or how negative you feel
    right at this moment, it will work.

    *** If you’re with a man right now and feeling
    frustrated that he isn’t moving forward to a real
    commitment, you’ll get so much help – specific,
    detailed Tools and a clear understanding of what’s
    going on with him and your relationship – from my
    Commitment Blueprint program.

    It lays out a 7 Step plan to triggering his
    intense desire to wrap you up in a lifelong
    commitment – and it WORKS.

    You can find out more and try it out right here:

    http://www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com/CommitmentBluePrint

    Let me know what happens when you use the
    Blueprint’s 7 Steps (there’s a great section where
    real women work with me one-on-one onstage
    learning to do “Power Speeches”) – I know it will
    help you.

    For now, let’s work with this Out The Window
    Tool to help you with obsession:

    As soon as you stop doing all the man-pleasing
    behaviors you’ve been doing, you’ll see two
    things happen:

    One, your man, or the man emailing you, or the
    man you’re meeting for a first date at a coffee
    shop, will sit up and notice that YOU’RE A VERY
    COOL GIRL.

    He’ll notice you’re cool, because you’ll
    probably be the first woman he’s met who doesn’t
    need to think about how HE’S doing before she
    thinks about how SHE’S doing!

    He’ll notice that there’s absolutely no
    pressure in being with you.

    He’ll notice that you trust yourself enough to
    be yourself instead of wondering and caring what
    he thinks about you.

    He’ll notice that you TRUST HIM enough to be
    yourself instead of wondering and caring what he
    thinks about you.

    And it’ll be such a relief, such a powerful,
    mysteriously sexy thing for him to be with a
    woman who puts herself first, he’ll be like a kid
    in a toy store, and you’re the best toy.

    You’ll see his energy come toward you in a
    different way than you’re used to.

    Instead of working hard to get his interest,
    instead of working at being smart, clever,
    charming and appealing, you’ll be shocked to
    notice he just thinks YOU ARE smart, clever,
    charming, appealing, and totally sexy.

    You lean back, and he leans forward.

    And that’s only step one.

    *** Step two, OUT THE WINDOW lets you come alive
    with the passion you feel for YOUR OWN interests.

    He gets to be around while you share your
    deepest feelings about small things – like the
    weather, the restaurant atmosphere, the trip you
    took last year – and almost immediately, he
    starts to feel that “Here’s a woman with
    EMOTIONAL DEPTH. She GETS me!”

    And he leans in toward you. And he listens to
    you.

    And he asks questions.

    And then when you gently toss the ball back to
    him with a “And how ’bout you?” He feels so
    comfortable with you, he tells you everything.

    Because you’re so not caring about impressing
    him with how you understand and hear everything
    he says (if it’s interesting, right?) you’re able
    to just lean back and listen, and

    BE THERE with him.

    He’s so unused to any woman JUST BEING,
    instead of always doing around him all the time,
    you completely capture his attention, his energy,
    his heart.

    And this is how it works.

    Even with just this bit of information, you
    can completely turn around a relationship you’re
    already in, or completely change your love life.

    These two steps will change your mind set – the
    way you think about being in a relationship and
    what you have to do to keep it going.

    Other Tools, in these e-letters, my Have The
    Relationship You Want ebook and all my programs
    will teach you how to speak from your heart in
    words that really express who you are and how
    you’re feeling in a way that connects you
    instantly to nearly any man.

    *** If you’re with a man who is all of a sudden
    withdrawing, and you’ve tried everything you know
    and are starting to feel powerless to bring him
    back, try my Reconnect Your Relationship CD
    series.

    You can try it out for free for a full 30 days
    before you even have to decide to keep it, and in
    those 30 days, I know it will change your life.

    Go ahead and listen to some of it right here:

    http://www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com/Reconnect

    Let me know how “Reconnect” works for you –
    it’s very, very powerful, and I look forward to
    hearing from you about it.

    *** Here’s a letter from Lizbeth, who turned
    things around so fast – overnight – she’s amazed:

    “Hi Rori,
    Maybe not even 5 minutes of me sending this
    message, Jim buzzed my apartment! He held me and
    told me how much he had missed me (the last time I
    saw him was Sunday) – What the?

    Surprised, … u-huh. I’m staring at this man
    with eyes as big as jumbo marshmallows and not
    knowing what to say. It was awesome!!! There was
    absolutely no tension, and it was like there was
    never any worries or problems between us. BUT I
    DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!!!!!!! I don’t get it!!

    Today he worked during the day and I just got
    home from working the evening shift. I didn’t
    call nor did I feel the need to. Sigh. Big sigh.
    We are planning on seeing each other tomorrow,
    according to him. And I’m just going to let him
    do all the work. In the past, he would show up in
    the morning and we would go off and do our thing
    for the day.

    Now all of a sudden things have gotten back to
    what they were. I can’t help but feel really
    cautious about stuff since it seemed like such a
    180 over night. Just like you said. Wow,
    unbelievable and what do I do to continue this.
    Nothing, right? Lizbeth”

    If Lizbeth did it, with just my Reconnect Your
    Relationship program, you can, too!

    Let me know how things are going for you, I look
    forward to every success that happens for you.

    Love, Rori



  6.  #6Beth on March 16, 2010 at 5:01 pm

    Wow, Bravo Carol!! I can totally relate to your story. As a result of childhood abuse, I have also been overweight most of my life as a way to protect myself from any man getting too close.

    About 3 years ago I met a man, also at work, who was going through a divorce and he was so nice to me and made me feel good. We became very good friends and he was wonderful to me, always complementing me, and telling me how wonderful I was, and hinting at the fact that he would love to get to know me better once his divorce was final.

    I started losing weight, and once his divorce was over, he became more attracted to me in a physical way, but the emotional attraction we shared faded. Since I hadn’t discovered Rori’s tools yet, I tried to re-create the emotional connection and things just became a mess. I allowed myself to get into an imaginary and highly toxic relationship with this man.

    I appreciate this advice because I have been beating myself up over and over for the emotional abuse I took from this man, and not being able to find my voice. It had been so long since a man paid attention to me that after he changed, I was willing to accept and make excuses for his bad behavior and the crumbs he was throwing my way. I have never respected or been able to truly express my own feelings, so this is all new to me, and although it is terrifying sometimes, I am making steady progress.

    Today, though I was feeling rather sad, so it was encouraging to read this letter. I have also wondered why his attitude changed towards me once I started looking and feeling better about myself. He is an attractive man, but he is also insecure, so maybe he couldn’t handle the fact that I was starting to bloom? He also seems to fit the definition of a boy man now, but he wasn’t that way when I first met him. I don’t know if he is redeemable, he has done and said so many horrible things to me, and made me feel awful. Thankfully I have a new job now, so I don’t have to see him every day. I really would like to be able to tell him how awful and invisible he made me feel, but maybe I’m just looking for closure, and I know that probably won’t happen.

    This comment by Rori says it all “You’re on a whole new journey now in this life –and this man was just a blip that got you started!! Thank him, even though he’s Mr. Wrong, for getting you started – and now Mr. Right will have a chance to find you.”

    It feels good to write this!
    By the way, I am continuing to do my Yoga, eat healthy, and take care of ME and it feels wonderful!

    I am only recently posting, but so many times when I was hurting this forum has been my place of refuge and HOPE.

    Thank you all for sharing.



  7.  #7gina on March 16, 2010 at 6:55 pm

    Off topic: I hate the way, on Facebook, I log on and immediately see faces and words of men who are only vaguely present, and now I’m thinking about them and feeling things for them. Do I delete them? Or do I tell them how I feel.



  8.  #8gina on March 16, 2010 at 6:57 pm

    no way I would tell them how I feel unless they asked, of course. So delete them?? ignore? deal? or get off Facebook – I really don’t like it…



  9.  #9S. on March 17, 2010 at 7:01 am

    Regarding Facebook: if you are FB friends with men who are not good for you, but you don’t want to take the step of defriending—HIDE THEM. There’s a little prompt that appears if you run your cursor to the far right but parallel with a person’s name in their status update; that will allow you to hide their updates from your newsfeed. They’ll never know, but you won’t be confronted with their faces and words.

    Do this for anyone who brings you negative feelings, men and women alike. Save your time on Facebook for those who inspire, support, and amuse you.



  10.  #10Simply Shannon on March 17, 2010 at 7:41 am

    Rachel: Here’s the Obsessing Over a Man email…

    – – – – – –

    Have you ever felt completely obsessed by a
    man?

    Where you can’t eat, sleep, or look at a
    telephone without thinking about him?

    Where you spend most of your time trying to
    figure out what went wrong or why he hasn’t
    called, or why he’s all of a sudden so distant?

    I remember that feeling of dread in my stomach.

    Most of my clients have been through that –
    sometimes over and over again.

    Doesn’t it just make you feel like you’re back
    in high school?

    Like your hormones seem to have complete
    control over your body and your mind and you’re
    just living off of the crumbs he gives you?

    Or what you remember he once gave you?

    It doesn’t have to be like that.

    Just because we’re women, because we’re
    sensitive, kind and caring doesn’t mean we have
    to give ourselves up to keep our men.

    In fact, it’s just the opposite.

    We keep our men always moving toward us by
    reducing their importance in our lives.

    Sounds easy, I know, but truly – there’s a way
    to make this change for yourself that’s not hard
    work or painful – it just takes a step-by-step
    approach, and you have to know the steps.

    I remember a man taking over so many of my
    thoughts that it seemed like he was taking over my
    life, too.

    And I remember that happening over and over
    again, like a record I couldn’t turn off.

    It would be a different man, but the same
    record.

    I felt humiliated.

    But I figured it out, and when I did, the
    record stopped and the men who showed up were
    completely different than those men I’d been so
    hung up on.

    That’s when my husband showed up, and I was
    able to fall in love with him, let him pursue me
    and WIN me, marry me – all without hearing those
    obsessive thoughts in my head.

    And if I did it – I KNOW you can.

    Here’s a Tool to help you get started:

    Even if you’ve never had a full-blown
    obsession with a man, where you can barely
    imagine living without him and always live in
    fear of him breaking up with you, have you ever
    run your schedule around him?

    Made your plans around him?

    Watched what you said and didn’t say around
    him?

    Wanted to make him happy and make him love you
    so much that you forgot how to just be yourself?

    Thought his moods were your fault?

    Thought when he withdrew that what you needed
    to do was be “nicer” and “more understanding?”

    Well, the first thing to do that will work the
    fastest to reduce the importance of a man in your
    life (even if he’s THE most important thing – I
    don’t want you to allow him to become the ONLY
    important thing) is to stop doing all of the
    above.

    That means – no scheduling around him, no
    making plans around him, no watching what you say
    and don’t say, no trying to make him happy or
    make him love you, no “nice” and no
    “understanding” when something he does or doesn’t
    do makes YOU unhappy.

    The second thing is to get something else
    IMPORTANT into your life.

    And that would be YOU.

    Here’s how it works:

    You look out a window and imagine what it is
    that you love (aside from him).

    Imagine the love in your heart, all that
    energy and sweetness and passion, going out the
    window to that thing you love – it might be
    painting, or the beach, or giving to those less
    fortunate, or helping people in your special,
    unique way.

    Of course, I call this Tool OUT THE WINDOW.

    These two steps sound easy, and they are.

    If you’re willing.

    Because before you can make any kind of change,
    you have to want to.

    And it’s hard to want something you’ve never
    seen or done before (except with men you don’t
    care about).

    It’s hard to believe, if you’ve never seen it
    work, that it WILL work.

    And yet, I’ve seen it work brilliantly in my
    own life, and in the lives of all my clients.

    It works.

    You won’t be the one woman it doesn’t work for.

    No matter how unusual you believe you are, no
    matter how low your self-esteem, no matter how
    scattered your thoughts or how negative you feel
    right at this moment, it will work.

    *** If you’re with a man right now and feeling
    frustrated that he isn’t moving forward to a real
    commitment, you’ll get so much help – specific,
    detailed Tools and a clear understanding of what’s
    going on with him and your relationship – from my
    Commitment Blueprint program.

    It lays out a 7 Step plan to triggering his
    intense desire to wrap you up in a lifelong
    commitment – and it WORKS.

    You can find out more and try it out right here:

    http://www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com/CommitmentBluePrint

    Let me know what happens when you use the
    Blueprint’s 7 Steps (there’s a great section where
    real women work with me one-on-one onstage
    learning to do “Power Speeches”) – I know it will
    help you.

    For now, let’s work with this Out The Window
    Tool to help you with obsession:

    As soon as you stop doing all the man-pleasing
    behaviors you’ve been doing, you’ll see two
    things happen:

    One, your man, or the man emailing you, or the
    man you’re meeting for a first date at a coffee
    shop, will sit up and notice that YOU’RE A VERY
    COOL GIRL.

    He’ll notice you’re cool, because you’ll
    probably be the first woman he’s met who doesn’t
    need to think about how HE’S doing before she
    thinks about how SHE’S doing!

    He’ll notice that there’s absolutely no
    pressure in being with you.

    He’ll notice that you trust yourself enough to
    be yourself instead of wondering and caring what
    he thinks about you.

    He’ll notice that you TRUST HIM enough to be
    yourself instead of wondering and caring what he
    thinks about you.

    And it’ll be such a relief, such a powerful,
    mysteriously sexy thing for him to be with a
    woman who puts herself first, he’ll be like a kid
    in a toy store, and you’re the best toy.

    You’ll see his energy come toward you in a
    different way than you’re used to.

    Instead of working hard to get his interest,
    instead of working at being smart, clever,
    charming and appealing, you’ll be shocked to
    notice he just thinks YOU ARE smart, clever,
    charming, appealing, and totally sexy.

    You lean back, and he leans forward.

    And that’s only step one.

    *** Step two, OUT THE WINDOW lets you come alive
    with the passion you feel for YOUR OWN interests.

    He gets to be around while you share your
    deepest feelings about small things – like the
    weather, the restaurant atmosphere, the trip you
    took last year – and almost immediately, he
    starts to feel that “Here’s a woman with
    EMOTIONAL DEPTH. She GETS me!”

    And he leans in toward you. And he listens to
    you.

    And he asks questions.

    And then when you gently toss the ball back to
    him with a “And how ’bout you?” He feels so
    comfortable with you, he tells you everything.

    Because you’re so not caring about impressing
    him with how you understand and hear everything
    he says (if it’s interesting, right?) you’re able
    to just lean back and listen, and

    BE THERE with him.

    He’s so unused to any woman JUST BEING,
    instead of always doing around him all the time,
    you completely capture his attention, his energy,
    his heart.

    And this is how it works.

    Even with just this bit of information, you
    can completely turn around a relationship you’re
    already in, or completely change your love life.

    These two steps will change your mind set – the
    way you think about being in a relationship and
    what you have to do to keep it going.

    Other Tools, in these e-letters, my Have The
    Relationship You Want ebook and all my programs
    will teach you how to speak from your heart in
    words that really express who you are and how
    you’re feeling in a way that connects you
    instantly to nearly any man.

    *** If you’re with a man who is all of a sudden
    withdrawing, and you’ve tried everything you know
    and are starting to feel powerless to bring him
    back, try my Reconnect Your Relationship CD
    series.

    You can try it out for free for a full 30 days
    before you even have to decide to keep it, and in
    those 30 days, I know it will change your life.

    Go ahead and listen to some of it right here:

    http://www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com/Reconnect

    Let me know how “Reconnect” works for you –
    it’s very, very powerful, and I look forward to
    hearing from you about it.

    *** Here’s a letter from Lizbeth, who turned
    things around so fast – overnight – she’s amazed:

    “Hi Rori,
    Maybe not even 5 minutes of me sending this
    message, Jim buzzed my apartment! He held me and
    told me how much he had missed me (the last time I
    saw him was Sunday) – What the?

    Surprised, … u-huh. I’m staring at this man
    with eyes as big as jumbo marshmallows and not
    knowing what to say. It was awesome!!! There was
    absolutely no tension, and it was like there was
    never any worries or problems between us. BUT I
    DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!!!!!!! I don’t get it!!

    Today he worked during the day and I just got
    home from working the evening shift. I didn’t
    call nor did I feel the need to. Sigh. Big sigh.
    We are planning on seeing each other tomorrow,
    according to him. And I’m just going to let him
    do all the work. In the past, he would show up in
    the morning and we would go off and do our thing
    for the day.

    Now all of a sudden things have gotten back to
    what they were. I can’t help but feel really
    cautious about stuff since it seemed like such a
    180 over night. Just like you said. Wow,
    unbelievable and what do I do to continue this.
    Nothing, right? Lizbeth”

    If Lizbeth did it, with just my Reconnect Your
    Relationship program, you can, too!

    Let me know how things are going for you, I look
    forward to every success that happens for you.

    Love, Rori

    P.S. If you’d like to send me a comment, a
    question, a problem for me to work with in these
    e-letters, or a Success Story — please e-mail me
    at Rori@HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com.

    I’ll be able to respond much more quickly if you
    keep it to a simple format:

    1. One or two paragraphs, please, and

    2. Get as specific as you can – the details help
    me really get a feel for your unique situation.

    Also, please feel free to forward these e-letters
    to a friend – and let her know she can get in
    touch with me and start receiving her own letters
    by going to [sitelink]

    If you’ve already downloaded my Have The
    Relationship You Want e-book, work through it. If
    you’d like to get it now, follow (or copy and
    paste) this link:

    http://www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com/ebook

    The eBook is the foundation for all my work,
    including these eLetters, so getting the basics
    will help you use everything else you get from me.

    If you already have the ebook, get the Heart
    Connection Toolkit – just listening to it over
    and over, instead of to the nasty Voice we all
    have inside our heads, will raise your
    self-esteem.

    http://www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com/Toolkit

    I look forward to developing more and more
    helpful Tools for you to use to get what you
    want. I know you can do this, and I’m here for
    you.

    Rori



  11.  #11Simply Shannon on March 17, 2010 at 7:45 am

    This post is abso-freakin’-lutely awesome. I’ve lost a lot of weight (about 40 lbs) and practically changed my entire life in just under a year. Truthfully… I feel so confused and weird all the time because I have NO CLUE what I’m doing. It IS like learning to walk again. And it’s brilliant and scary all at the same time. I got a do-over!!

    Carol: You are AMAZING!!



  12.  #12Triza on March 17, 2010 at 9:21 am

    Love this post!



  13.  #13Triza on March 17, 2010 at 9:22 am

    Love this post!…baby steps



  14.  #14Suzi-Q on March 17, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    The part about thanking the Mr.Wrong’s resonates with me! I DO that!! This is something that I started after I got divorced.

    I was married 18 years, 12 of which were progressively abusive. I gained A LOT of weight, and totally separated myself from the world, except for 2 friends.

    When I KNEW that there was no hope for my marriage, it was amazing how the weight started to fall off! I lost 40 pounds, and 10 sizes! And I have kept it off over 4 years now!

    I only call the men that followed in my life Mr Wrong’s because they were not my long term forever relationship, but they certainly were the Mr. Right that I needed at the moment. Shortly after I filed for divorce, I was involved in a friends w/bennies relationship with a friend that was in a similar situation, so no relationship expectations. We negotiated that relationship, so we both knew what we wanted (OK! That was very weird for me at the time!!) He was so good for me though, because he helped be begin to see myself as beautiful again. There followed a couple of other wonderful Mr. Wrong’s, all of which have taught me things about myself.

    After about a year and a half of circular dating (without even knowing I was doing that!) I started to contact my prior flames, and letting them know exactly the positive impact that they had in my life at a time when I really needed that! I have to tell you that all of them were pleasantly surprised! And several of them are still my friends to this day! I have been in a healthy and wonderful relationship with my Mr. Right for 3-1/2 years, and he knows that I have many guy friends.

    (WOW! It feels like I just outlined my next very over due blog post!! LOL)

    Live Well
    Love, Suzi-Q



  15.  #15heartbeat on March 17, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    I can read comments on this post from my phone but not on my computer – weird!



  16.  #16heartbeat on March 17, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    subscribing



  17.  #17Daria on March 17, 2010 at 4:20 pm

    Reading from itouch! Feelin tight bak of neck g frlng hsppy



  18.  #18Rori Raye on March 17, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    Welcome, Suzi-Q, and thank you so much for your wonderful and encouraging story. Love, Rori



  19.  #19Rori Raye on March 17, 2010 at 4:36 pm

    Triza, Welcome and thank you for your lovely comment. Love, Rori



  20.  #20Rachel on March 17, 2010 at 6:01 pm

    Mary,

    Thank you!!! It’s funny … I was reading down through it and at first I didn’t recognize it and I was thinking … Wow this Mary person really has some great things to say! And then I realized it was Rori’s email!

    Thanks so much! I feel like this is just what I need tonight.

    Hugs



  21.  #21mary on March 18, 2010 at 11:09 am

    Stay tuned… maybe I’ll rise to the occasion!



  22.  #22Jeannette on March 20, 2010 at 10:42 am

    Dang, can someone help me? How do you figure out where you put your last entry (THIS morning) because I just commented on something and I don’t know which post it’s under now!! Blonde moment!