Lost And Found

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rori and zeke closeSo I’m walking my dog this morning… and noticing my aversion to being present.

It’s as though I want to be in my head.

I can feel the rattling going on head and heart: “… trees…. dog…. Street…. plants… flowers… head thoughts… my next book….”

What am I doing asking myself thinking questions?!

Then – all of a sudden I realize I’m afraid of being lost!

Of Going Lost into the flowers, the bushes, trees, my dog, the street…

And then all of a sudden – again! – I realize that would not be being being lost…

…that would be being found…!
Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Tereana on November 13, 2015 at 8:18 pm

    Is this…a new post?

    It must be.

  2.  #2Tereana on November 13, 2015 at 8:34 pm

    I just checked into the blog after the longest time. Well, I guess a month or so. Ever since the Unicorn Incident.

    I still don’t know why I felt – and still feel – such powerful attraction for him. I know he’s not right for me. If I’m brutally honest, he was terrible. He said bad things to me that put me down. He was demanding. He changed plans without consulting me. He wanted me to buy him drinks instead of the other way around. All in all, he was the worst.

    And yet, I’ve had a really odd sensation ever since the whole affair, which is – I sort of regret not sleeping with him.

    How is this even possible? I normally have regrets the other way around. I regret sleeping with people. In fact, that’s WHY I didn’t sleep with him. But now I sort of regret not sleeping with him, a) because when I look back on it, I realize that I really wanted to, and I convinced myself not to “to be good.” And b) because even if I had, it would not have changed the outcome, but at least I would have had that pleasure in the moment.

    I suppose the one saving grace is that, had I slept with him, I might have felt more attached, more liking for him, and more hurt in the end. But the fact is, he spent the night at my house. We were close, even though we didn’t “have sex.” And so, it almost is as if we did – but we didn’t.

    I feel unfinished about it.

    As wrong as I know he is for me, and vice versa, there is something about that I want to feel complete inside.

    I want to communicate this, but I’m not sure how. Because anything I do or say could be viewed as aggressive or forward. And it’s not that I want to make it easy for him or emasculate him. I just want to say how unfinished I feel…even if I never get to complete what it is I want to do…

  3.  #3Femininewoman on November 13, 2015 at 9:35 pm

    Isn’t it all about our perspective and how we frame things?

  4.  #4nyx on November 14, 2015 at 12:17 pm

    @ Tereana
    Excuse me for jumping in, you mentioned a few things that I recognized…
    first: saying bad things to put you down
    second: expecting you to buy him drinks, not the other way around
    these are two signs of a guy who has read up on becoming a pickupartist- the method is well thought out to trigger a woman’s attraction on deep levels and turn the tables to make her want to please the guy- and it is quite effective, too…
    Please be careful. Rori’s tools help us noticing when a guy do not want to invest time, money or himself in us- we question his behaviour, and react just like you did: “all in all, he was the worst”.

  5.  #5Zia on November 14, 2015 at 6:36 pm

    Hi Sirens! Just popping in to say I am married! 🙂 J and I planned an engagement party and invited everyone along, and we turned it into a surprise wedding. It wasn’t our intention when we first set the date but we decided we’d like to get married before the baby arrives. No one knew except us, my bridesmaids and their husbands and so it was a really fun day/evening 🙂

  6.  #6Femininewoman on November 14, 2015 at 7:24 pm

    Congrats Zia.

    Much love and kisses xoxox 🙂

  7.  #7Dominique on November 14, 2015 at 8:12 pm

    Zia – 5 – This feels SO great to read. Much love and happiness to you and your man as well as your little one on the way.


  8.  #8Indigo on November 14, 2015 at 10:29 pm

    Congratulations Zia 🙂 xxx

  9.  #9Sami Wunder on November 15, 2015 at 12:41 am

    Congrats Zia! Love and happiness always to you and your little family 🙂

  10.  #10Emerson on November 15, 2015 at 7:15 am

    Congrats Zia!

  11.  #11Emerson on November 15, 2015 at 7:18 am

    4 nyx
    That is very interesting about the pick up artist concept…
    I didn’t know about that!
    Hmm I will have to keep that in mind.
    Ugh so much to think about.
    However, seems like just to keep in mind siren mode and roris tools can help to avert these tactics….

    Rori the pic of you and your dog, so cute!!!!

  12.  #12Mandy on November 15, 2015 at 7:19 am

    That’s an interesting post, I am constantly afraid of losing myself in a crowd. I sometimes won’t leave because of it!

    But that’s another wall put up in front of us being in the moment.

    Right now I’m worried about something but I haven’t had sufficient sleep so I can’t count on it that it should be worrisome.

  13.  #13Emerson on November 15, 2015 at 7:22 am

    I feel regret that I agreed to drive to a cd an hour away and I communicated that I felt hesitant, he replied that he would think about it and then never followed up so basically he dropped the ball on our date plans altogether….

    I had made other plans anyways so it’s ok but I regret that I sent him a text that night sailing that I knew he would not follow through which is why I made other plans…I said I wasn’t mad …

    Omg why did I even text him? It feels masculine and agressive and icky.

    Why did I even make plans is the question…he had done this before, just dropped the ball.

    I need to just cut him off completely.

  14.  #14Indigo on November 15, 2015 at 8:01 am

    Emerson 13,

    I feel that it is very good that you noticed it was masculine and felt icky to text him and tell him you knew he would drop your plans.

    I find it really helpful to reframe a situation like this by softening and asking yourself “what do I feel?”

    If it were me, perhaps I would feel disappointed, regretful, sad, angry, lonely… maybe relieved? Once you’ve made it about you, and you are coming from a clean place, you get to choose whether you share or not, and what you share. You did nothing wrong with this guy, but it’s great to be aware of how and what we are communicating to men. It’s great to be aware of how and why we lean forward.

    Confession time: I DELETED Bush Boy’s number from my phone so that I would not be tempted to text him and lean forward with him while he was in his new town. He texted me instead today which at least shows he was thinking of me. Which was interesting.

  15.  #15BeLoved on November 15, 2015 at 8:04 am

    This morning I received a message from a friend that felt draining to read. At first, I closed the message and felt like throwing the phone across the room.
    Then suddenly, I realized…I’m disconnecting…what am I feeling really?
    So I sank into the “tired” feeling, that went to the pit of my stomach. There were a thousand thoughts about this and that and story after story arose and dissipated about the feeling, and again and again I brought it back to my feelings. There was some kind of idea that I would DEFINITELY DIE if I felt those feelings, haha. I stayed with it…and after about 3 minutes the feelings rose up through a channel in my torso and went to my heart, where they erupted and discharged in a fit of giggles that still has me giggling an hour later. 😀

    Instead of responding to what my friend said, I shared my experience and told her I love her. I love these moments where I feel that juicy love and intimacy for myself! Right after, I also got a great idea for dealing with some homework that I intend to implement today and I expect it to turn it well. This feels good!

    I re-read Rori’s post this morning, and I felt I could totally identify with feeling afraid of feeling lost..in love…in the beauty of all creation…
    I feel inspired to sit with that fear and discover what comes of it.

  16.  #16Emerson on November 15, 2015 at 12:03 pm

    Thanks indigo !!!!
    That is helpful to me!!

    Interestingly enough, I deleted this particular cd from my contact list as well…hadn’t talked to him in a long time and he’s been a little flaky before….and alas out of nowhere he texts me just a day or so after I deleted his name. So strange.
    Now I guess I’ll delete him again lol

  17.  #17Emerson on November 15, 2015 at 6:46 pm

    Sirens it seems so hard to keep friendships intact with busy schedules ….
    I have some
    New friends that I spend time with but sometimes I just miss my old friends and it’s not the same.
    Just venting here.

    Also, I just realized today that one of my friends I’ve known for over 20 years never asks me to make plans. I realized today that I always initiate, it feels bad. Leaning back with friends now.

  18.  #18Turquoise on November 15, 2015 at 8:20 pm

    Hi sirens! It’s been a busy week but I wanted to check in. Congratulations Zia!! That’s wonderful news.

    I had a date with Somedsy last night. He drove to me, picked me up, made the plans, ordered us a second round of drinks, let me pick the movie (movie night at my house after) paid for everything… met my daughter and we watched the movie and snuggled on the couch. It was nice. We’ve actually been talking off and on since May. Had our first date in June, and things have picked up a lot the past few weeks. He takes care of his sick mom, really feels like he’s put his life on hold. I find myself wondering if he could be inspired to make changes, to choose a new and happier life. I firmly believe that men don’t let go of women they really want. They will do whatever it takes to make that work.
    Someday… I want to feel that way in a relationship… That someone stepped up, rather than risk losing me.
    I really enjoyed his masculine personality. His take charge attitude, and the kissing was very warm and connected. I’m remembering that I am the prize, have a lot to offer… And that feels good too. We have plans to definitely see each other in two weeks, over Thanksgiving weekend. Possibly before that, but we both have busy weekends next weekend, and he lives almost an hour away.
    Still chatting some with my friend, but not feeling inspired to take it any further. There is another new guy in the picture I look forward to getting to know… But he’s not divorced yet, and I’m not sure that’s worth going to. My friend wants me to meet a friend of hers, so maybe we will double date soon. I’m open to the possibilities! 🙂

  19.  #19Tatia Dee on November 15, 2015 at 8:59 pm

    “Of Going Lost into the flowers, the bushes, trees, my dog, the street…”

    Yes! I know this feeling Rori. It’s like free falling. Until you realize you’re really flying, not falling.

    Love it!


  20.  #20Tatia Dee on November 15, 2015 at 9:03 pm

    Hi Sirens!

    Congrats Zia!

    Wishing you all continued blessings and love!

  21.  #21Mandy on November 15, 2015 at 11:06 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    J finally got the last of his big things out of my apt. today. I realize I feel very lonely being in here alone with these naked walls. Too much thinking, too stuck on moping, and having trouble switching things up. Maybe if I go to sleep I’ll feel better when I wake up.

  22.  #22Millie on November 16, 2015 at 8:50 am

    I feel pretty misunderstood, but I guess it’s the way things have to be. I realized yesterday that Mechanic and his gf blocked me on fb. In addition the mutual friend I have with his gf put me on some sort of limited view because I can’t see any of her posts. On one hand this is all ok, because I don’t feel that any of them were true friends to begin with, but on the other it does feel a bit personal. I’m not out to get anyone, bother anyone, be a home wrecker of any sort…. But I feel somehow I may be perceived that way…. Beware the single girl who lacks boundaries.

    In addition the new guy I’m seeing didn’t ask me out this weekend and told me the reason was he was “giving me a break” because he felt like I was annoyed after our last date. Which of course makes me want to go for the sabotage button and end it now.

    I turned off my online dating profile again, and I also turned off Facebook. Just need time away I think…. And a different outlet for meeting men. How can I feel good about myself when all this kind of energy is happening around me…

  23.  #23Indigo on November 16, 2015 at 9:31 am


    I know I’ve beat this drum before, but Facebook is a lot more trouble than its worth. Trust me, TRUST ME, Mechanic and his girlfriend have done you a big favour. I have managed to put Facebook into far more perspective these days than I did in the past. And I have had many other women feel jealous of/threatened by me when all I did was treat them with good will and friendliness and not try to bother anyone. That’s just life.

  24.  #24Turquoise on November 16, 2015 at 9:45 am

    How were everyone’s weekends? Mine was busy, fun and productive… want them to all feel this way. 🙂

    Today I’m feeling very chatty… talking to 4 guys today. Which is good, keeping me from texting one too much. I’ve found it’s actually a good tool for me, when I don’t want to text a certain someone too much… I just get into a conversation with someone else. It fills the void, and keeps my mind off of “him”.

    Today I’m appreciating masculine energy at my job. My car was making an awful sound and I had one of the workmen look at it. I need new front brakes and rotors. He ordered the parts and will fix it before I leave today. I love that I can just hand him the keys and it gets taken care of. We can order the parts at a discount…. so it’s so much cheaper than going to a garage. Feeling relieved about that. 🙂

    Not feeling fabulous about my finances though… so going to start selling off things we don’t use/need to build up some holiday cash. I need 2 new tires as well…. so this feels like a good plan and something I can throw some boy energy at. I’m also cleaning and clearing out the clutter…. feels amazing!

  25.  #25Indigo on November 16, 2015 at 10:10 am


    Forgive me for dredging this up again, but did Knight just disappear on you? Or did he let you know that he couldn’t really do a relationship at this time?

  26.  #26Turquoise on November 16, 2015 at 10:34 am

    That’s ok Indigo…. he completely poofed. I’m pretty sure I was right… he was lying about who he really was. Maybe he was married…. I don’t know. I know he did like me, he just couldn’t undo the lies.

  27.  #27Starla on November 16, 2015 at 11:15 am

    Turquoise, I love how you always keep it moving and are always aware of your own life :)! You inspire me to be more of all those things. I may have asked you this, but are you a capricorn baby? You have so much capricorn energy (like me).

    My weekend was great! I am continually striving to be less controlling. It was a fabulous weekend and I felt really connected to that nice man of mine. I also noticed some areas to focus on. Most urgently, I keep “correcting” my boyfriend on factual things. It’s like I’m ready to spring to action at a moment’s notice with “well, actually…” and correct what he said. Little things like weather patterns, legal matters, current events… I don’t know WHY I am just poised and ready to correct him. It’s almost like I can’t stop myself. Most of the things he says don’t require correcting – they’re being offered as a premise of why something is hilarious. I got issues! 🙂

    I keep wanting to prove to him how smart I am. It’s almost like I don’t think he believes I am smart. He definitely knows I’m smart. He probably secretly thinks I’m smarter than he is (which I’m not. I’ll tell ya, I love that man’s brain). Every time he is not totally correct, I jump on it as a chance to prove, “see!! I know more than you! so how dare you ever think I’m not smart!” Who am I trying to convince? Why is this so automatic for me?

    I am really very intelligent and have the grades and test scores to prove it. Why do I feel like this is ever something I have to prove? And why at his expense?

    I doubt that if I toned down my know-it-all-ness I would risk coming off unintelligent.

    BTW, I LOVE my big brain and its style. I am great at thinking critically and from a detached perspective. I am also highly analytical and logic-driven in my daily activities and conclusions. I just looooove my brain <3.

  28.  #28Turquoise on November 16, 2015 at 6:08 pm

    Thank you Starla! 🙂

    That reminds me of when I was married and I would stick up for everyone and everything my husband criticized. Even people on tv. It drove such a wedge between us. There was space and distance created that I don’t think we ever overcame. I didn’t like his critical nature, and he felt judged and second guessed. We stopped being a team… Being on the same side. I recently read a quote on Facebook about Letting words pass through three gates. Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? I wish I had read this 20 years ago. My pride has always kept me honest. Giving far more advice and suggestion, than was ever asked for. I feel smart and with great common sense. I want to help. But instead of focusing so much on helping everyone else… I should have focused so much more on myself. It’s still not easy for me. I volunteer a lot, I am mom to a lot of my children’s friends. I encourage and support… And focus so much attention on everyone else but me. Even when I try to focus on me, it doesn’t last. I’m a mom, a caretaker, a friend…. I’m almost 42, and still trying to learn how to be my best self. So sweet Starla…. If you can learn from my mistakes, bite your tongue next time you want to correct him. Or kiss him instead. Love him more than your desire to be right or smart. Xoxo

  29.  #29Millie on November 16, 2015 at 8:31 pm

    Indigo— yeah I agree about Facebook.

  30.  #30Femininewoman on November 17, 2015 at 6:07 am

    Turquoise do you see your mom in how you have been?

  31.  #31Femininewoman on November 17, 2015 at 6:08 am

    Starla one thing you might want to consider also in all that is whether you are trying to be a better man than him.

  32.  #32Starla on November 17, 2015 at 6:17 am

    I didn’t meet my uncle until a few years ago, and he has the deep personal need for precision and logic in what people say, too. Like the second he notices that someone has said something inaccurate, his alarm bells go off and he can’t let it go. He is extremely intelligent so he comes off as impatient with how stupid he must think everyone is. Even I think he’s

  33.  #33Starla on November 17, 2015 at 6:30 am

    I didn’t meet my uncle until a few years ago, and he has the deep personal need for precision and logic in what people say, too. Like the second he notices that someone has said something inaccurate, his alarm bells go off and he can’t let it go. He is extremely intelligent so he comes off as impatient with how stupid he must think everyone is. Even I think he’s a jerk for it, but I know he can’t help it.

    My other uncle, who I also only met recently, spazzes out over semantics when it comes to describing experiences, reactions, and feelings. He picks apart your words and you’ll find yourself defending your own feelings any time you’re telling him about something. He also just can’t help it, but I have politely and quickly rushed off the phone totally flustered and frustrated.

    Crazy that this is a familial trait. My mother was always hypercorrective of behavior that made her feel bad. I know she also couldn’t help it. She was constantly trying to correct the way she felt through correcting my behavior that triggered her bad feelings. Sometimes this would literally be me breathing the wrong way. That ended up messing with me pretty bad.

  34.  #34Azure Blu on November 17, 2015 at 6:54 am

    Good morning Sirens,
    Been busy reading all the yummie, courageous
    warm and exciting lives
    All you Sirens are sharing!!!

    As for me, I continue to try and listen more carefully
    I was hyper vigilant last night as my son came home from work and I tried to carefully listen
    tried NOT to think of answers, questions or rebuttles
    and simply listened…
    then asked questions when he had finished and focused ONLY on him and what he was sharing!!
    I usually listen on the surface… think about what I want to say as an answer
    and think about what I want to share about MY day…
    I DIDn’t do that…
    I relaxed (trying to be less hyper and anxious)
    softened my tone…
    and stayed focused on him…
    He sat down (usually stands and then quickly leaves)
    relaxed and shared more of his day!!!
    He must have hung out for a good hour!!!
    ****It was magical****
    I so wanted to share with him about
    a fight I got into with my mom on Sunday…
    But I DIDNT !!!! Yay!!!
    He has always felt, ignored, shuffled to the side..
    made to feel unimportant while he was growing up…
    I can see why!!!

  35.  #35Azure Blu on November 17, 2015 at 6:58 am

    I am feeling a genuine interest in something you
    mentioned a few posts ago…
    How is the interaction between you and Bush Boy going?
    You mentioned trying NOT to text him…
    Are you CDing others or have you become exclusive with BB?

  36.  #36Starla on November 17, 2015 at 7:33 am

    Azure, 34…. COOL!

  37.  #37Turquoise on November 17, 2015 at 8:58 am

    No FW, my mom wasn’t really like that. I’m not sure where it came from. My dad wasn’t either. I’m the baby of the family, but pretty good age gap, so it was more like being an only child, but even when I was a teenager, I was the friend everyone could count on. I was the listening ear. I was also very honest and told people things they didn’t want to hear. I will say though, when my parents got divorced I felt a lot of responsibility at 12, to help. And it felt forced, as in also not fair. So my standing up for the underdog…. to me was more about my ex not being fair, by being so critical. Maybe that’s attached?

  38.  #38Starla on November 17, 2015 at 8:59 am

    Turquoise, I never saw if you answered me about being a capricorn? I feel silly bugging you about this.

  39.  #39Femininewoman on November 17, 2015 at 9:02 am


    Learn how to self-soothe. Although becoming more vulnerable will open you up to love and connection, unfortunately it also means being more open to the risk of your desires being rejected by others.

    And when this happens, you need to be able to accept their decision and soothe your hurt feelings. Remember, a key difference in being vulnerable versus being needy is that you take responsibility for your own sense of esteem and happiness.

    So be strong and find healthy ways to heal and cheer yourself up. Because the next opportunity will be just around the corner.

  40.  #40Tee on November 17, 2015 at 1:02 pm

    Thank you FW for the link on self-soothing. Such a touchy thing. :/

  41.  #41Azure Blu on November 17, 2015 at 1:59 pm

    Starla #27 and 32 & 33
    Wow… great insights into why you might
    fall into the distance causing practice of
    being hyper vigilant and correcting with your man
    and others…
    You have been observing and being a victim of this behavior your whole life…
    What a great and exciting challenge to break that cycle!!
    Admitting our behaviors and observing them
    is the first BIG step in changing them
    I’m on the road with you!!!

  42.  #42Starla on November 17, 2015 at 2:27 pm

    Thanks Azure. It cracks me up that there’s evidence of a genetic tendency towards it. I have also never met my mother and uncle’s father, and he very well may have been an extremely critical man. So ready to break the cycle. And grateful for my intelligence!

  43.  #43Turquoise on November 17, 2015 at 6:48 pm

    Starla, I’m a Sagittarius. Dec. 19th

  44.  #44Starla on November 18, 2015 at 11:22 am

    Turquoise, ah ha! Close but not. Your birthday is 4 days before mine and I see a lot of familiar thinking in your posts! Thanks for satisfying my curiosity.

  45.  #45Azure Blu on November 18, 2015 at 12:33 pm

    Starla #42
    I also have know-it-all’s in both my father and my mother! not sure about the rest of the family…

    No chance of even a short conversation about what MY thoughts or ideas might be, while growing up and on until now…
    THEIR way was the ONLY way…
    My mother pushed her religious fervor on EVERYONE (the bible says “Go and tell the world”)

    and my father wanted Everyone to know
    he was a Genius and had been Everywhere!

    So funny how I thought I was making sure
    I wasn’t like them AT ALL…
    and when I finally started realizing how
    I was a Know-it-all too…
    I was ASTONISHED!!
    Ahhh… and my chance to break the cycle…

  46.  #46Mandy on November 18, 2015 at 7:01 pm

    Know what’s funbny? When my anxiety grips mne for no reason, I can display behavior, which is maybe desperate or worrisome, and yet people love me anyway, they don’t get pushed away by my natural anxiety.

    I REALLY wonder why that is. I wonder if it is because it is anxiety that is based on something different than focusing on a person. My anxiety comes from overstimulation/info overload. Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me like I will think I am threatened by someone or something when I am actually not in any harm’s way at all.
    When I was in highschool I used to bug people about my issues in my head and they couldn’t deal with me not believing them when they said everything was ok so they bailed.
    The difference is now I struggle with it silently. And I just say “I feel SO anxious right now.” Instead of asking if this or that is real and getting reassurance.

    Reassurance, given over and over again, really grinds people’s gears, but being in one’s natural state, whether anxious or depressed or happy, is still attractive.

  47.  #47Turquoise on November 19, 2015 at 4:11 pm

    Starla 🙂 I’ll start reading Capricorn too!

  48.  #48Azure Blu on November 19, 2015 at 5:34 pm

    Mandy #46
    Wow!! love your growth and feeling message!