Love Advice: Apologize Whether Or Not You Think You Did Anything “Wrong”

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intimacyHere’s a cry for help in a love situation we ALL know, all too well – accidentally pushing him away, attacking, closing up, hurting his feelings, violating the “4 Rules,” making mistakes…and sometimes doing nothing “wrong” but still experiencing him react as if we did…

You mess up (or feel like you did), and then you feel scared, and then you feel angry, and then you feel guilty, and then you feel depressed.

It’s a cycle, and if you can catch yourself ANYWHERE in that cycle and do something different – EVERYTHING will change!

Here’s the letter from Rose:

“I need some help, Ladies.
Some serious help.
I am feeling misery at the moment.

After being obediently true to Rori Raye tools, a wonderful guy fell into my lap in August. (disclaimer: he’s caring, soulful, and loves me deeply).

Last night, while out with friends of mine, he asked me a question I felt irritated by + couldn’t answer. Instead of properly answer, I froze up, and he started to emotionally retreat. I kept myself cool and open, giving him the opportunity to change his mind/behavior, but he never did. I had a pretty good time! but I felt sad that time was turning out the way it was.

At home, (avoiding the “how are you” question, since that’s not my responsibility to ask, is that right? I’m always super unclear on that), I told him I wanted to hear something he didn’t want to me to know.

Him: I feel disconnected, hurt, and treated like a child who’s mother was ignoring them at dinner.

Me: (long pause) I’m really sad to hear that. I feel sad that you felt that way.

Him: I’m trying to remind myself that you don’t mean to sound condescending.

Me: …I…didn’t mean it to. I wanted to say what I meant. (continued conversation). I’m not sure what to do right now….

Him: Ro, I know you didn’t mean to neglect me, ignore me, I just want you to say you’re sorry… I don’t need an explanation. I just want to hear “I’m sorry, It was wrong of me to do that.”

And I felt awful at this point. Because I didn’t feel responsible. I didn’t want to say sorry for something that I didn’t feel was my fault at all! I didn’t make him react that way. I felt mad that “I’m sorry you felt that way” wasn’t good enough. It was my truth!

But that wouldn’t fix anything. Not really. So I said it. [On another note: has come to feel like my “I” messages are inauthentic and talk around the issues at hand.

Great example: “I feel sad that you felt that way.” Him: “Judo move. All of a sudden, you’ve made this about me and I don’t feel like my emotions are validated, like I have a right to have them too.”] Our relationship, quickly, has become very discussion-oriented (hate it). We had tons of fun and now it’s heavy and a drag. He’s been proving his love for me and I’m feeling like I’m expected to do so in return.

My question: (1) What are you supposed to do when your Man’s feelings are hurt? By you. What are you supposed to do? Much of the blog makes men sound like they aren’t feeling powerful emotions and want to feel validated in them too. (2) How do I get out of this realm of feeling like I have to prove my love to him?


My Answer:

Rose – APOLOGIZE!!!!

ALWAYS Apologize!!!

Say: I’m so sorry I seemed so cold.  I’m sorry I shut down….

There’s a great technique called Ho’oponopono – all it is is saying to yourself and everyone else over and over “I love you, I’m sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you.”

It’s not that we EVER do anything “wrong” – that’s beside the point (I don’t believe that there’s ever anything to blame) – it’s that in all our brains, we think that way, and forgiveness and gratitude and love and apology are like a salve to the world in so many ways.

It just feels good.

Learning to apologize just because I knew (and it took me a while to get out of my own way with this) that an apology was what my husband wanted and needed from me changed SO much!

You’ll feel good doing it, and so will he…

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1Femininewoman on March 1, 2012 at 6:59 am


  2.  #2Femininewoman on March 1, 2012 at 7:05 am

    I love you, I’m sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you

  3.  #3Emerson on March 1, 2012 at 7:08 am


  4.  #4Emerson on March 1, 2012 at 7:09 am

    Hi FW!

  5.  #5CurvySiren10 on March 1, 2012 at 7:14 am

    Memulo #880. I don’t think it’s necessary to ‘explain’ about your personal email. I would just apologize for waking him but you felt it was important to have your phone with you for the day. The rest seems fine to me.

    I’m sorry this happened. It feels really icky to me that he would make such a big deal out of something, but like Iamabutterfly said, he was probably just cranky from being woken up and will be fine once he gets his bearings later.

  6.  #6Rose on March 1, 2012 at 7:14 am

    hmm wow so true..apologizing feels so good, a away of acknowledging my feelings and his..

    There seem to many “Roses” here lol I am not the one from the article, think I need to change my name..

  7.  #7Emerson on March 1, 2012 at 7:23 am

    This article has me thinking. I agree it’s good to apologize to show acknowledgement of his feelings in this instance described.


    I don’t want to apologize to have peace at any cost. I don’t think that is what Rori is implying, but I’m saying this because I have had that tendency in the past, and I end up getting walked all over.
    I guess it depends on the man you’re with too. If you’re with a good and decent man, he won’t take advantage. But some will, and after a while it becomes very defeating and anger builds when we keep apologizing for something that we should not.

  8.  #8Emerson on March 1, 2012 at 7:26 am

    I remember reading one of Rori’s other articles about saying I’m sorry to a man and it made a lot of sense. I wish I could read that one again too…but not sure where I saw it. Any sirens good with searches let me know if you know what article I”m talking about.

  9.  #9VW on March 1, 2012 at 7:45 am

    I love this Rori! Great reminder of the power of apology…:) Thank you.

    A wonderful day to all Sirens!

    Warm hugs,

  10.  #10Femininewoman on March 1, 2012 at 7:55 am

    “But some will, and after a while it becomes very defeating and anger builds when we keep apologizing for something that we should not.”

    I believe that because I am strong on the inside, no man will take advantage of me if I establish my boundaries and stick by them. It is my belief that I am building up so I am acting “as if”. I am trusting my boundaries and believing in myself.

  11.  #11Fiona on March 1, 2012 at 8:08 am

    Dear Rori
    I have a man in my life 9 yrs older than myself-(I’m 43) he’s divorced twice and a 3 year relationship which ended up then they kep going back to each other for sex which stopped 3 years ago. they were friends only after that with a group of other people, but she has met another man (within the last 8 months) and has not contacted my man, nor have any of the group met up. She got on well with his Mum and Dad and has been in contact with them to wish them happy birthday on thei birthdays, and at Christmas. I jokingly suggested yesterday that cook for his parents on Mothering Sunday (who I have met several times) as he will be away for Mothering Sunday. He got very defensive and said don’t you dare -it’s bad enough that the previous woman in my life has had more contact with my parents than she has with me. Then he quietened a bit and said Mum has insisted that the next time i go down I have to take you with me. She seems to like you but I dont’ know why!! (that was meant as a joke) but it felt a bit to me as though he was still hung up on his ex, or that he doesn’t really want his parents and I to like each other. What’s the best thing to say and do about this? Should I mention it? Thanks Fiona

  12.  #12Emerson on March 1, 2012 at 8:15 am

    10 @ FW
    Thank you but I’m not sure I understand…can you please clarify?

  13.  #13Starla on March 1, 2012 at 8:38 am

    Apologizing and taking a moment to consider where he’s coming from is THE MOST POWERFUL THING I HAVE EVER DONE FOR MY RELATIONSHIP (aside from creating incredible attraction by leaning back and not overfunctioning). And, if you practice feeling and expressing your feelings enough, you’ll notice that apologizing doesn’t mean “but my feelings don’t matter.”

    There is room for both of us. His feelings and my feelings. Room for both.

    I noticed that I was taking a STANCE with my men, believing that if I validated his feelings about something that was upsetting me, then it would undermine my own feelings on the matter.

    Once I dropped that stance everything changed on a dime.

  14.  #14Dominique on March 1, 2012 at 8:42 am

    If a man wants an apology from you, then he felt hurt, slighted by you. You may not agree with him, but this is how he felt, and his feelings are valid too.

    A simple, “I’m sorry” without any further embellishment or explanation.

    If this is an ongoing thing where he seems to be asking for this at nearly every turn, then maybe the relationship needs rethinking. Or maybe you need to take a look inside to see why this is showing up for you in him. What do you need to heal? Where do you need to forgive yourself?


  15.  #15Femininewoman on March 1, 2012 at 8:49 am

    Emeson I don’t believe any man deliberately wants to take advantage of me. I also believe that once I am sticking by my boundaries I will not attract any man who will take advantage of me. Once I am aware of my boundaries it is hardly likely that I will engage with such a man.

  16.  #16Femininewoman on March 1, 2012 at 8:51 am

    Starla I can’t seem to wrap my head around “noticed that I was taking a STANCE with my men, believing that if I validated his feelings about something that was upsetting me, then it would undermine my own feelings on the matter”.

  17.  #17Starla on March 1, 2012 at 8:53 am

    15 fw, what do you mean? 🙂

  18.  #18Emerson on March 1, 2012 at 8:53 am

    Thanks Dominique, this helps.

    “A simple, “I’m sorry” without any further embellishment or explanation. “

  19.  #19Emerson on March 1, 2012 at 8:55 am

    14: Femininewoman says:

    “Emeson I don’t believe any man deliberately wants to take advantage of me…”

    Wow. That’s powerful. I just realized that perhaps I DO think that men want to take advantage of me as default…and I have to have my guard up.

    I want to heal this!

  20.  #20April Rose on March 1, 2012 at 9:57 am

    Man-in-the-woods often expresses his suspicion that I am playing games with him.

    I’m as clear as I can be in my communication with him. I’m trying to be open and authentic about dating more than one man until i have a commitment.
    But this playing games thing keeps getting mentioned.
    At first I was really indignant, considering myself to be straight-ahead honest. I don’t play games, I thought. But then, I have a human mind. Human minds love to play games.

    Then I find myself in a pickle, in the presence of two men whose affections I have been drawing towards me. Is it a kind of game? The game of ‘love me please’?

    On Sunday I texted “I’m sorry if I have been playing games with you in any way. I feel attracted to you and have loved cuddling you. I need to consider my relationship with WM and where I stand with that.”
    It felt good to say sorry and acknowlege his feelings about the game playing.

  21.  #21Mel on March 1, 2012 at 10:10 am

    Quick poll:

    Is a little jealousy natural, healthy, instinctual even?

    Just curious… I don’t know if i can get to a place where I will never feel jealous, but I can definitely get to a place where I won’t let it cause me to shut down, act out or feel badly about myself.

    What do you ladies think?

  22.  #22Starla on March 1, 2012 at 10:15 am

    Mel, I get jealous from time to time

  23.  #23Femininewoman on March 1, 2012 at 10:32 am

    Starla I didn’t understand your statement about STANCE in 12.

  24.  #24Femininewoman on March 1, 2012 at 10:35 am

    Jealousy is one of the feelings in the soup. It might be a learned response but I believe it is telling you there might be a need that needs attention. Even if it is to speak up about what’s going on with you.

  25.  #25Femininewoman on March 1, 2012 at 10:36 am

    I even get jealous of people I don’t know sometimes. Like Mel I feel jealous of your success and the way feeling messages seem to come naturally to you.

  26.  #26Iamabutterfly on March 1, 2012 at 10:39 am

    Rori – I LOVE THIS POST! The timing of it feels perfect for me. Thank you! I feel like it will help Memulo too…

    Dominique – I couldn’t agree more with your additional comments!

    I feel like I’m learning!
    I feel like what my instincts were telling me is being confirmed.
    I feel good!
    I feel normal!
    I feel SANE.

    This feels amazing!

  27.  #27Iamabutterfly on March 1, 2012 at 10:43 am

    @20 Mel – I feel like a LITTLE jealousy is normal.

    While some jealousy definitely stems from insecurity, other types of jealousy stem from what I believe is a healthy feeling of ownership and care.

    If there were no jealousy at all, how much could you care?

    There was a My-So-Called-Life episode about this, involving Grahm and Patty’s marriage.

    Anyone remember that show?

    so good…

  28.  #28Starla on March 1, 2012 at 10:43 am

    FW, my STANCE is that his feelings invalidate my own. My stance puts my feelings ahead of everything else, especially his own feelings, in such a way that it becomes me vs. him. This is what I mean by stance. When I dropped this, and started treating things like there was room for both our feelings, even when they were contradictory to each others’, everything changed instantly.

    So like in this article — she felt he was being x, and responded accordingly. But he felt her response was y, so he responded as such. She felt like if she apologized for being y, then his being x wouldn’t matter and she’d not be heard.

    I noticed that with CF, who is a Good Man, that if I acknowledge y when he brings it up, he will acknowledge x. It’s no longer a game of winners and losers.

    Make sense? I sure hope so=/

  29.  #29Iamabutterfly on March 1, 2012 at 10:44 am

    as usual when I spam all over the blog, I need to get some work done now…bye, Sirens! Thanks for all your help. Lots of love…:)

  30.  #30Femininewoman on March 1, 2012 at 10:46 am

    Thanks Starla. It totally makes sense.

  31.  #31Iamabutterfly on March 1, 2012 at 10:56 am

    I know for a fact that men apologize whether or not they think did something wrong. It’s really sweet of them. They deserve some applause for this. They deserve some empathy. They deserve some apologies from us, even if we don’t feel like we need to apologize.

    Wow, I’m suddenly feeling very compassionate and loving towards men! It’s about time…

  32.  #32Iamabutterfly on March 1, 2012 at 10:57 am

    I feel great about working right now! Work work work! Work feels satisfying! Work feels better than spamming the blog!!!

    …oh dear…

  33.  #33Iamabutterfly on March 1, 2012 at 11:10 am

    I am GOING to leave the blog in the very near future, at least until i get more work done…

    but I just had a quick question:

    has anyone read the 5 Love Languages?

    I feel like his love language is acts of service. I feel like i have the hardest time recognizing and appreciating this love language.

    Besides saying thank you, how can I show him how much it means to me that he does so much?

  34.  #34Femininewoman on March 1, 2012 at 11:20 am

    I read it. How long have you been with him?

  35.  #35FlowerChild77 on March 1, 2012 at 11:34 am

    FW/#24 Do you really mean you are jealous of other Sirens? Or are you more feeling envious? I think jealousy is more about the fear of being replaced/de-valued, whereas envy is just wishing we had ______, also.

    Starla…I totally get what you mean about dropping your ‘stance’ and the difference in knowing there is room for each of your feelings in the relationship bubble. (I also used to fear sharing that space because I felt like I needed to stick up for myself after being in abusive marriages where I was a doormat and didn’t consider my feelings at all.)

    That’s what I love about Rori Raye’s Third Way–it doesn’t have to be so black and white.

  36.  #36Senior Lady Vibe on March 1, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    I have many thoughts. I will express them later.

  37.  #37Senior Lady Vibe on March 1, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    @34: FlowerChild77 says:
    “…I think jealousy is more about the fear of being replaced/de-valued, whereas envy is just wishing we had ______, also….”

    Yes… something like…

    Envy = I like what you have. I don’t have it and I want some. Maybe you’ll share or help me to get some too. Or maybe I’ll be inspired and figure it out for myself. Yay! for us.

    Jealously = I like what you have. I don’t have it and I don’t want you to have it either. I think I hate you now…

  38.  #38Starla on March 1, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    I feel a little lonely over here…everyone is playing in the old thread 😀

  39.  #39Francesca on March 1, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    I just did it.

    I sent a text saying I’m sorry to my man because of the way I acted earlier when he came by.

    He had to change his plans and drove up earlier than expected (the weather being too nasty) so there’s no chance he will spend the night and tomorrow with me.

    I was all pouty and sad when he was with me.

    He made fun of me a little bit, said he had no control over the weather.

    I know he’s right but I’m still disappointed.

    I got over it but I’m disappointed nonetheless.

  40.  #40Starla on March 1, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    Hi Francesca! I’m proud of you for apologizing:) Just a reminder to forgive yourself too and send yourself lots of love:)

  41.  #41Femininewoman on March 1, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    Different things mean different things to different people.

  42.  #42Francesca on March 1, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    Thanks Starla!

    I have no problem apologizing to my man. I always do when the need arises. He does too.

    What’s frustrating also is that the weather got better since he was here two hours ago. It’s not snowing as much.

    But I got to rise above that and tell myself that I’ll have time for myself tomorrow. And I do enjoy my own company, so it won’t be that bad! 🙂

  43.  #43Brenda on March 1, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    I’m beginning to feel hopeless about finding even a lasting friend, much less a lasting romance. The Bible says, “What a (wo)man desires is unfailing love.”

    Outside of God and my dogs, finding unconditional love largely feels like my life’s quest. I feel so discouraged, because people are so unreliable and unforgiving, as a whole. The more I continue with Rori’s world and with my inner healing, the more I think almost every person out there, beyond Siren Island, is toxic.

    It feels like my best friends are right here, on the blog, and I feel sad, since most of you are long distance. And long distance relationships feel lonely.

    Deep sigh. Feeling lost and alone. Feeling discouraged and disappointed about the world of people. Walking thru the world of people feels like walking thru a field of land mines. And one after another explodes. Except instead of getting killed, I feel deeply hurt and lose a little more trust in humankind.

    What can I do? Just keep healing myself and continue to stay sheltered on Siren Island? I feel scared to walk out my door these days. But I will and I must, and I am determined to CD. Altho lately, I am feeling more and more like just resigning myself to be single the rest of my life. That feels sad and lonely, too, tho, so I can just keep walking. But I am walking with my head down and my heart weeping.

  44.  #44Francesca on March 1, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    Everybody is in the other thread. Do they know there’s a new post up?

  45.  #45Femmystique on March 1, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    I read a quote whereby it stated that

    “jealousy is counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own”

    I notice in myself that sometimes jealousy and envy feel the same
    How about you sirens?

  46.  #46Francesca on March 1, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    I like how SLV described jealousy vs envy.

    However, I don’t think I’ve ever really felt such a deep jealousy that I had to say “I hate you”, that would be horrible to feel that way. But I sometimes feel the pang of jealousy working thru my gut.

    Envy I don’t have as much, re silly things such as wanting to be taller. When I look at tall girls, I feel envy because they don’t need a step-ladder in the kitchen. ;P

  47.  #47Brenda on March 1, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    I wonder what the line is between apologizing to serve the relationship and groveling?

    Recently I was using this what Rori said (she originally wrote it within the blog), and when I posted my texts with Ryan, a few of you told me I was groveling. So this is an honest question, because I don’t feel clear on it.

  48.  #48Daria on March 1, 2012 at 1:38 pm


    I do not want to sound condescending! love to me

  49.  #49Daria on March 1, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    I’m sorry i seemed so cold

  50.  #50Starla on March 1, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    Francesca, give him the gift of missing you:) He’ll see the weather cleared up and will feel like a lame-o.

  51.  #51Francesca on March 1, 2012 at 1:43 pm

    Brenda, I think it’s all in the way you say it or write it, as was my case earlier.

    I sent him a cute text, not a “deep” one.

    Also, I don’t tend to overdo it, I only apologize when I feel that the situation really calls for an apology.

  52.  #52Francesca on March 1, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    LOL, Starla!

    That’s probably how he feels now, yes!

    But you know what? Even though he lives about 20 minutes from here, the weather can be so different over there. He’s near a mountain so it could pretty well be snowing there still.

    I see the difference when I’m there anyway.

  53.  #53Memulo on March 1, 2012 at 1:48 pm


    Replied on the prior thread but here’s the latest version lol:

    Thanks for the show. I have considered not coming back for the phone but was expecting important emails and calls. I felt bad to have to wake you up. And then felt cold and disconnected to get this text. like our time together wasn’t a priority.

  54.  #54Starla on March 1, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    Brenda, I think the difference is that because Ryan has said so clearly so many times that he just wants to be friends (not romantic in any way whatsoever), that is why some sirens considered it groveling. Context is key.

  55.  #55Hopeful on March 1, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    The jello feeling is starting to melt away. It was such a nice vacation from my feelings. I felt myself starting to ruminate today, and realize that worrying over things that aren’t happening now is such a waste of my energy and just brings me down. This clarity feels good. I am feeling like I have been so intertwined with my husband, that I have not even been myself. I really want to focus on me, and what will make me happy. Am so looking forward to the weekend with my nieces. And am going to try to plan something fun for me to do this weekend. The hubby won’t want to come along (he is such a homebody these days), but I want to do it for me.

  56.  #56Iamabutterfly on March 1, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    @43 Brenda – I have gone through the same things. It sounds like you are experiencing some social anxiety. It can be difficult to trust others when we are in the process of healing, because we tend to draw damage people to ourselves since we ourselves are damaged.

    The more emotionally healthy we become, the more emotionally healthy people will be drawn to us, resulting in higher quality relationships.

    Until then, follow the words in the good book: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. What if every wonderful and kind person hid themselves from others for fear of getting hurt?

    You have to be strong enough to love others and let them hurt you. The more you love yourself, the less they can hurt you.

    Another good verse that helps me is Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Don’t lose hope, Brenda! There are good people out there! Love and give yourself to them all, as much as you can stand it. The more love you give to yourself, and to others, regardless of how they treat you, the more love you receive.

    <3 <3 <3

  57.  #57Hopeful on March 1, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    Brenda – Sometimes I think women apologize too much. But if a guy is asking for an apology or if you really messed up, it is smart to give the guy an apology.

    PS, I think you are making great progress in your journey of breaking free from Ryan. At some point in time, a day will go by when he has not popped into your head at all. At that point, I think you deserve a high five.

  58.  #58Brenda on March 1, 2012 at 2:05 pm


    RE: #51 – Thank you!


    RE: #54 – Thank you! That makes sense. And the only reason I persisted is that he was doing something beyond “just friendship”. Nevertheless, I see now that even so, his words called for backing off. It was just very confusing because how he was relating to me was so complex. Much of what he said was clearly negotiating the terms of a future committed relationship, stuff like “I don’t require that” when we discussed various attributes I did or didn’t possess.

    I will mention at this opportunity that context is also everything when someone playfully, lovingly calls you a “brat”. 😉

  59.  #59Starla on March 1, 2012 at 2:08 pm


  60.  #60Brenda on March 1, 2012 at 2:12 pm


    RE: #57 – Thank you! Yes, that delineation helps, too. I guess being from an abusive background, I tend to err toward the other direction, apologizing too much. I learned in childhood that if I apologized, parents and brothers would stop yelling at me.

    Now I don’t seek people’s approval. I seek to be ethical, moral, kind, and doing all I can to live in harmony with others.

    Thanks, I feel in a better space about Ryan issues than I have EVER felt. And that space is MENTAL space, not EMOTIONAL space. In my 20s, one of my first therapists said I have “disassociation”, where, due to early childhood trauma (ie, ages 1-5), my emotional self split from my intellectual self.

    So when I am in emotional mode, it is hard to think clearly, and it is hard to absorb people’s words. When I am in intellectual mode, I can speak objectively about myself with little or no feeling. Most of the time with Ryan, I have felt stuck in emotional mode. I have felt deep confusion. Now I feel free and clear minded in intellectual mode. His emotional grip on me has been largely broken. Oh, thank God!

  61.  #61Brenda on March 1, 2012 at 2:13 pm


    RE: #59 – I was just responding to your post the other day. Now I feel pissed.

  62.  #62Starla on March 1, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    No, Brenda, you were “just” trying to justify calling me names the other day. Don’t call me names.

  63.  #63Femininewoman on March 1, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    Memulo it still seems explainey to me. After all this time anyway are you sure you want to send it and not wait until you see him. He might even be confused if he gets something so long after the incident.

  64.  #64Femininewoman on March 1, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    Does this name calling thing shows how we respond in real life when we set boundaries? Or how we respond when people request that we respect their boundaries?

    Since I have been here I have seen similar things in the past on the blog and am wondering what we can learn from this as far as our relationships go. It seems that when people establish boundaries here there is a tendency to not respect them. I wonder why?

  65.  #65April Rose on March 1, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    WM has this new habit of exclaiming “ohh, that is gorgeous” at least twice a day. He is describing tasty food experiences.

    He used to call me gorgeous. Not any more.
    I’ve said I feel sad when I hear him use the word in other contexts. He said sorry. Then continues describing food as gorgeous.

  66.  #66April Rose on March 1, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    And the rapture with which he says “gorgeous” – like he’s having a fantastic sensual experience.

    We don’t seem to have fantastic sensual experiences together that aren’t involving food.

  67.  #67Memulo on March 1, 2012 at 2:25 pm


    Yes, was thinking to not send anything actually.

    We don’t have any plans to meet up as of now. But in any case I don’t care about timing so much, i.e. who will think what depending on the time I text.

    Thank you again. He is very logical and I am explaining my process to him because it is true- I did consider not to come back and then realized that I really can’t. Does it make sense?

  68.  #68Starla on March 1, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    Memulo, I missed the last thread’s end, but can you just tell him when you see him next, “hey, i felt icky getting your text. i don’t feel good being talked to that way, and i feel misunderstood, because i just needed my phone!”

  69.  #69Femininewoman on March 1, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    Memulo I believe it is a mistake to try to connect with a man’s logical mind. There is no romance there. His heart/feelings is where you want to connect from by sharing your heart/feelings. I believe we lose when we take the logical route because a man being competitive might get focussed on picking our logic apart.

  70.  #70Femininewoman on March 1, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    I would also let him do the planning and come to me regardless of what his domestic situation is. You don’t want to make it too easy for him otherwise he really will not value your company or you as an individual. He has to work for it.

  71.  #71April Rose on March 1, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    If I let WM know that I feel ‘ouch’ when other things are described as gorgeous, he sees it as one of my ‘rules’ and that he’s not allowed to say or do certain things. I think he feels controlled.

    Like when I ask for the internet to be switched off at night, and say that I feel sick if the heating is switched on in early morning while I’m asleep. He says it’s difficult to remember my rules.
    I say sorry I’m so sensitive. I feel much safer and relaxed when I know I won’t be disturbed by internet radiation or central heating. Mostly he obliges, but reluctantly.

    Can I inspire him to cherish my sensitivities and take care of them willingly?

  72.  #72Femininewoman on March 1, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    The other thing is that this took place via text, which can easily be misunderstood.

  73.  #73Femininewoman on March 1, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    April Rose maybe by appreciating him a little more when he does those things?

  74.  #74Femininewoman on March 1, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    April Rose I am thinking Mohammed Ali who always said “I am the greatest” till he had the world saying the same thing about him. Find a description that you like for you and say it aloud to yourself when looking in the mirror. Or when you are thanking him for something he did for you, refer to yourself using that word. Just to see if he picks up on calling you that without you telling him what to call you.

  75.  #75lk on March 1, 2012 at 2:38 pm

    & april rose, maybe you kind of communicate that Your Way is Right & His Way is Wrong…. instead of finding a Third Way – Our Way ?

    & also, once you tell someone something, it will take at least 3 weeks for them to adjust to the new Habit & also i think it would take longer if the request triggers defensiveness (& then makes it more difficult by creating some internal resistance or cognitive dissonance when changing the behavior) just thoughts & thinking : )

  76.  #76Jilly on March 1, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    So…yesterday…cuteskierguy texted..asking if he could come over…I said no…I can’t see him anymore…

    whenever used to see each other it always went sexual…and I stopped that before meeting Rugby Man…

    anywho..he keeps asking why he can’t come over and he’s actually texted almost every day for the last month ….so he already knows but he obviously likes the chase…

    so then he starts texting dirty stuff and I put my boundary down that it did not feel good to me and I did not like it.

    his response: it’s always about you and what you want

    me: wow that feels bad to hear

    him: sorry

    I felt like he turned into a spoiled baby who didn’t get his way…
    In the past month I’ve expressed that he isn’t offering me what I want. and every time he’s like, “what’s that?”…I say “marriage” and he’s like “oh ya”

    I just have to say I feel soooooooooo relieved that I can walk away from this man…to think at one time I considered marriage with him…yikes!

  77.  #77siren song on March 1, 2012 at 2:44 pm


    Love the ali anecdote.

  78.  #78Jilly on March 1, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    also…I saw these red flags in the beginning with cuteskierguy..I listened to my heart…then after I slowed things WAAAAY down I started second guessing myself BIG time…

    and now looking back I see everything so clearly…

    I love me..I love that I followed my intuition in the beginning…

    I want to do what Daria mentioned..and practice NOT seconding guessing myself 🙂 yes this feels good.

  79.  #79Brenda on March 1, 2012 at 2:49 pm


    RE: #62 – I learned from CC that when someone feels insecure, it is hard for them to have a sense of humor. I guess it is something that comes with maturity.

    I’m not going to pet your peeves.

  80.  #80Starla on March 1, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    Brenda, I don’t know what to say. Now it seems like you’re calling me insecure, immature, and lacking a sense of humor. I don’t want to be criticized or judged, and yet, the more I ask for this, the deeper you go insisting it’s your right.

  81.  #81Lizka on March 1, 2012 at 2:55 pm


    Ok I’m definitely back for good with a super exciting vibe!!

  82.  #82Starla on March 1, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    actually i meant to say criticized or called names. you can judge me all you want, I can’t stop you.

  83.  #83Sun Goddess on March 1, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    Hi Lizka!!! Good to read you’re doing well.

  84.  #84Jilly on March 1, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    Hi Lizka!! yay for high vibes!!

    Sun Goddess…how are you feeling about everything now?

  85.  #85Lizka on March 1, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    Hi SG, Hi Jilly! Hi Everyone!!!

  86.  #86Jilly on March 1, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    I hadn’t seen this side of cuteskierguy in a long time…I thought maybe he had been changing…but as soon as I have strong boundaries he doesn’t seem to be able to handle it…hmmm interesting…

  87.  #87Starla on March 1, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    woohoo lizka, awesome!

  88.  #88Jilly on March 1, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    Memulo (((hugs)))

    well …based on this man’s actions over the last little while…Memulo…what is that keeps you?

    If a man sent me a text like that …EVER…well…it would probably be over…he would have to really to make me feel extra special around him for a long time…(or better said)…I would have to feel really good (special) in his presence after that for a while…actually I would have to feel really good (special) being with him and being away from him.

  89.  #89Ella on March 1, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    Ohhhh grrrr.

    I have been feeling soooo good recently.

    Had a day off yesterday with MWC and he took me shopping and was so much fun and I felt sooo relaxed.

    He said he would probably see me online later, and I have been online a while and he is not here.


    I feel really insecure I am noticing.

    Like my mind immediately assumes it means something bad…

    But EVERY single time that has happened before he has proved my mind WRONG.

    So why is it so hard not to assume the worst with these small things??

    Why do I feel so insecure sometimes??

    Feels like a ball in my tummy.

    I am going to express to him another time.

    I am feeling good about, and loving the communication I can have with him… and I think part of it is me and how I relate.

    So that feels good.

    I am not being very good at CD-ing. Which I know might help ease anxious feelings…

    Mostly it is because MWC has been taking up all my time and stepping up and not leaving room for anyone else.

    Plus he keeps asking to be exclusive with me.

    I keep not agreeing but it is feeling harder and harder to not be that way…

    I have said the no G,friend speech a good few times in different ways.

    Thing is I don’t want to push away real love and committment if in fact he is bringing that to me…

    Ie, the committment I want.

    But I still would need time.

    Well I am still open to CD-ing, and am still CD-ing in my day to day life…

    But the thought of accepting an actual date now makes me feel kinda guilty.

    Very guilty actually, and worried, and as though I am being dishonest.

    And I don’t think I can say to MWC that I will date others until I meet someone who wants to be with me forever cus I have a feeling he might say that he wants that… ??

    Anyway… so back to tonight and I am just sat here feeling a bit nervous and worried.

    But I wish I could trust him a bit more… cus everytime I have felt like this with him before (except just once) and I have assumed the worst, he has proved me wrong and stepped up and I have been wrong.

    I had such a nice FM prepared for him tonight too, telling him how I love how he is willing to work to sort out any issues we have, and pick up a conversation we were having before.


    Oh well, no dramas, it will keep.

    I hate that he is not here (online) when I thought he would be (cus he mentioned it).

    But you know what I am so demanding, cus he took me shopping yesterday and bought me loads of nice stuff and we had such a lovely day.

    Seems like I need constant attention.


    I feel so needy.

    Ok, what is the plan Ella?

    I feel annoyed.

    Come off FB and concentrate on me.

    Take it as an opportunity to have some me time.

    Oh, he has not texted either… he usually does.

    That is why I am feelin anxious.

    It is very unlike him for me not to hear from him at all!

  90.  #90FlowerChild77 on March 1, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    ((((Brenda)))) Do you have any interests where you could do some volunteer work and meet people…new friends? This might feel less awkward than meet-up groups. Just an idea.

    For example, I LOVE (love, love, love) history. I do volunteer work for the local historical society…some writing/editing and volunteer a few hours every week at the research center. For many years, I’ve been doing genealogy research for people. (This has been a passion of mine since I was a kid.)

    I’ve met many nice people doing these kinds of things. Could you volunteer for an organization that helps animals? I know you love animals 😉 I feel so aligned with Source/the Universe/God when I’m deeply focused on things I love and enjoy.

    I’m thinking the difference between what Rori meant and what you were texting to Ryan was probably that it was so past the point of wondering if he was going to step up and/or offer you what you’re looking for and need (and possibly saying you were sorry but then continuing the behavior, hoping for a better outcome.)

    You are a beautiful soul, Brenda. I often times think how much I wish we lived a lot closer. I would love to hang out with you. I know what you really long for is a man who wants marriage, but I think those opportunities can easily come along while we’re just living our lives, focusing on ourselves and having FUN <3

    Have you gotten any responses from your profile that you posted the other day?

  91.  #91lk on March 1, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    yesterday for some reason something happened & i felt a bit “disconnected” for a moment… & cd came over to me & stood very close & said how happy he was that i was there. it was so amazing & sweet…. the reminder came at such a powerful moment, & he so clearly took the step to close the gap. it was really cool & inspiring… like, i saw how i can put my individual Pride aside & make choices that are aligned with Love. i felt really safe & prioritized – not me, prioritized, the Relationship : ) yum yum yum yum yum.

  92.  #92Ella on March 1, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    Yes I feel anxious.


    Put down the man crack Ella.


    You saw him earlier.

    He posted on my FB earlier.

    Now… I am sure there is some perfectly rational, non exciting reason he has not been in contact tonight.

    And all will be well.

    And anyway, just take care of me.

    Maybe go to bed soon.

    Hope I can sleep ok.

    Sure I will.

    Feeling anxious though.

  93.  #93Lizka on March 1, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    So many good things happened today (and in the last days also) that I don’t know where to start!

    By the way, none of these things happened because of a man… they all came from myself… 🙂

    I’ll start by telling you the most exciting thing that has happen to me in a looooong time!!

    By the begining of the week, I thought I could do a fun trip this summer. I remembered that I am expecting a bonus for mid-july so that I could use it for an exotic destination. So since Monday I was trying to find an exciting place, not too expensive to visit and I couldn’t come with one…

    But this morning, in the news, there was a report about the archives of the Vatican and they are making a big exhibition. It’s an amazing thing that will happen once in a life time for an history passionate person like me…

    So I thought I could go to Rome for vacation… But thought it would be so expensive, so I started browsing the prices of the trips and I found out it is so NOT THAT expensive!! And I made a quick budget and realise I can have much more than that if I keep all my bonuses, income taxes, birthday gifts and save a little bit. I could have a crazy-glamorous-jet-set trio to Rome for two weeks by the beginning of August!

    So it’s not an official plan yet, but so far, it looks absolutely doable.

    You can’t imagine how this is exciting for me!! This exhibition is something crazy for anyone who loves history and I COULD JUST BE THERE!!!!! I feel amazed and so motivated.

    And everyone I talked to about it today asked me “who are you gonna go with?” and I just replied “well, by myself of course!”

    Yes! I’m going there with only my wonderful self.

    I love it and it makes me wanna smile and sing and dance and scream of happiness!!!

  94.  #94Lizka on March 1, 2012 at 3:19 pm

    Rome & Lizka <3

  95.  #95Ella on March 1, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    Why do I feel so scared??

  96.  #96Jilly on March 1, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    So the fitness competition is going well…for anyone who is interested it’s called the Crossfit Games …right now it is just the OPEN..where people from all over the world enter their scores online …they have to be judged by a Crossfit Trainer for the workout to be legit. Then for those with passing scores it will go to regionals and get smaller from there…and in July people will compete for the gold 🙂

    I was judging a woman who did amazing this morning…then it was my turn…I am definitely not as strong as she is but I felt that I did my best 🙂 and I am just having fun with it 🙂

  97.  #97Starla on March 1, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    Lizka, that sounds great! I feel inspired to travel now:)

  98.  #98Memulo on March 1, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    CurvySiren, FW, Starla, Lamabutterfly,

    Thank you for your comments! Just as of now he sent me 2 texts and I didn’t respond to either.. is it the right thing to do? Not to respond at all? With the 2nd one he obviously was trying to improve the situation

  99.  #99lk on March 1, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    LIZKA !!!!!!! wow that sounds so amazing & i feel all fired up reading about it & committed to going home & focusing on some amazing plans that will inspire similar passion in my life : )))))) YUM YAY

  100.  #100Starla on March 1, 2012 at 3:23 pm


  101.  #101April Rose on March 1, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    “& april rose, maybe you kind of communicate that Your Way is Right & His Way is Wrong…. instead of finding a Third Way – Our Way ?”

    Yup. I feel so desperate to have my sensitivities acknowledged, that they have sounded like demands, and the only Right Way.
    I try to convey how fearful and anxious I become when I’m stimulated by heat, electricity, radiation etc.

    I’ll stay open to this ‘third way’ and appeal to our Team Feeling.

  102.  #102Ella on March 1, 2012 at 3:28 pm





    Yes and I feel so ungrateful cus of all the nice things I have received recently.

    And yet, if a man suggests that we will speak later, and then we don’t I feel disappointed.

    And when we have spoken pretty much EVERY NIGHT since we met, and tonight we don’t, after being so intimate yesterday… reasonable or not, I feel scared and worried. Little and alone.

    I feel totally unreasonable and a bit crazy right now.

  103.  #103Starla on March 1, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    I decided to experiment last night with being open/myself with CF and I sent him a text I would usually send one particular of my close guy friends: “I feel restlessstressedwhatever=/”

    He didn’t answer, but it was late and he was asleep. He called me this morning to let me know he was asleep when i sent that and see how I slept. I said not so well, I’m feeling stressed these days…just anxious like i’m going to explode. And he said not to make plans for next sunday because he is going to take me out of the city to get away and de-stress. Wow! i feel amazing that he offered to do that for me!

  104.  #104Ella on March 1, 2012 at 3:29 pm

    Gotta love and accept that part of me.


    I don’t know.

    Bed is calling though.

    It will all come out in the wash!

    I LOVE ME!

  105.  #105Jilly on March 1, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    yay Lizka!!! so cool 🙂

    Starla…yay..he’s making plans! In advance! 🙂

  106.  #106Ella on March 1, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    Thanks Starla,

    I think I have read previous posts of yours about CF that are similar to how I am feeling now.

    I intend to use you as inspiration.

    Actually I have no idea what is happening with you right now, or any of the other Sirens… cus I have been away from blog for a few days and totally out of touch.

    Hope all is good.


  107.  #107Jilly on March 1, 2012 at 3:32 pm

    Ella..what if you started picturing him sending love your way no matter what…like the water wheel? like no matter what he is doing he is sending love your way… 🙂

  108.  #108Memulo on March 1, 2012 at 3:32 pm


    Thank you. He is not a bad guy.. just behaved like a spoiled child. and yes.. cranky. He is not a mean person, believe me. Maybe the fact that he is constantly fighting with his ex has something to do with it. Yesterday he spent half of the day dealing with her. I am not saying it’s ok for him to talk to me this way, just trying to figure out how to deal with this.

  109.  #109Lizka on March 1, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    So, exciting thing #2

    I acted very sireny (I think?) with FrenchLawyer today and it was a good practice.

    We were suppose to have a date today (reschedule for the 3rd time or something…).

    We planned it on Monday after he let me down because of work. We said we would have drinks but no time or place confirmation.

    So today, he didn’t call or text to confirm. So by 4 o’clock I left work to go home assuming he was letting me down again. I didn’t mind too much since I was going to go home and make some research about my Rome Project and it felt exciting.

    I was almost home and he finally texted me. Here’s the convo:

    FL: Hey

    Me: Hey

    FL: How is your day going?

    Me: Relax 🙂

    FL: F’in snow! This sh*t is annoying! Did you still want to have a drink? I’d propose inviting you over to my place. There’s everything needed to make a martini!

    Me: I feel a little disapointed. I was excited about drinks with you tonight but since I had no news, I’m on my way home already. 🙁

    FL: I didn’t think you would be done work so early

    FL: Why don’t we meet up a little later?

    Me: Hmmm I feel unsure about tonight because I go to bed early on weeks day but I’m free tomorrow night…


    I think I was good and really stuck to my boundaries. I feel proud.

    I called my girl friend and told her the story and I said I wish it could be that easy to stick to my boundaries with ATW (by the way, finally since today, I can think of him without feeling teary and have to channel my thoughts every time his name comes to my mind).

    My friend suggested I could pretend ATW is FrenchLawyer when it comes to boundaries. Lol I think that would be a good idea? Why not!

    Anyway, so far we’re not sure ATW will call back and it’s perfectly ok. Because I’m going to Rome, la la la!!

    And also, I’ll try not to talk about ATW too often, it’s still a little bit sensitive and feels weak… Don’t want to loose my nice vibe. I feel so good up there 🙂

  110.  #110April Rose on March 1, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    FW re 74

    Have you ever done that? Did it work for you?

    I’m wondering what I could say to myself in the mirror.

  111.  #111Jilly on March 1, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    Memulo…I don’t mean to make you feel worse :/

    I feel torn sometimes…like do I say anything or not say anything?…sometimes end up not saying anything …

    I’m still finding my ground and feel good about when to say how it would make me feel in certain situations…

    but I feel good that he texted you already…what did he say? 🙂

  112.  #112Lizka on March 1, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    Starla and lk

    I feel glad I inspired you!! I hope it will make you feel as happy as I am today 🙂

  113.  #113Starla on March 1, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    I act super cranky when i’m sleepy. i mean, really really bad.

  114.  #114April Rose on March 1, 2012 at 3:39 pm

    Yay Lizka


  115.  #115Sun Goddess on March 1, 2012 at 3:39 pm

    84, Jilly-

    I’m feeling much better now physically. CdAN wanted me to go out really late yesterday and I had to set a boundary there about weeknights and being home to put my kids to bed. LP texted on Tuesday to see how I was, then again yesterday. I’m feeling okay to have a break from LP and let him miss me or decide he can’t be the man I need him to be. In short, i feel okay.

  116.  #116Lizka on March 1, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    Starla, I’m happy CF is taking care of you and making plans 🙂

  117.  #117April Rose on March 1, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    Starla re 113

    Me too. If I am sleepy AND hungry then watch out, I might bite someone’s head off!

  118.  #118Jilly on March 1, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    Sun Goddess..I’m glad you’re feeling better 🙂

    look at you CDing!! you are really doing it and practicing boundaries…you’re rockin it!! 🙂

  119.  #119Starla on March 1, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    if i’m very hungry, i’m liable to get out of a car at a red light, then call you and demand you come back, then when you come back, insist you f*ck off and leave me alone.

    True story.

    I did that to CF last week. Hadn’t eaten in 24 hours.

  120.  #120Memulo on March 1, 2012 at 3:42 pm


    He texted: Slept till noon. Must have felt good

  121.  #121Sun Goddess on March 1, 2012 at 3:45 pm

    Thanks, I still feel like I a, doing something wrong though.

  122.  #122Femininewoman on March 1, 2012 at 3:45 pm

    April Rose I do it everywhere I am. Talk out loud like I am tAlking to myself. Even if someone compliments me I say thank you “I know I am georgeous/beutiful” or whatever depending on the context

  123.  #123FlowerChild77 on March 1, 2012 at 3:45 pm

    I need some good FMs. I’ve been helping guy-i’m-with sell stuff on e-bay. He doesn’t have internet service at his house and only knows basic ‘surfing’ on the computer. I usually DO NOT mind doing it. He restores antique motorcycles and tractors and sells them (and sells and buys parts he needs for this) to help make his mortgage payments. He’s very frugal and is doing everything he can to make ends meet. (Not my problem, I know.)

    But I have a really busy, exhausting week coming up (starting tomorrow) and I’d like to wait until next week to finish taking/editing the photos and listing this latest stuff.

    My four y/o grand daughter is coming to sleep over tonight and spend the day tomorrow (no school on Fridays.) Saturday my daughter is taking me to shop for some clothes to wear to my aunt’s funeral service. Sunday I have church (and lunch) and Sunday afternoon we have a date. Monday morning I get my haircut and will come home and color it and do laundry. Tuesday my relatives are picking me up and I’ll be gone for three days.

    I really, really just wanna spend the day tomorrow with my little Petunia. He called earlier to say he was stopping over tomorrow (he was supposed to stop today, but didn’t call until 4pm to say his buddy stopped over and just left–no call to say he wasn’t coming and no telling his buddy he had someplace to go.)

    I didn’t know what to say–and figured it would be better to get a good FM from you Sirens rather than say something stupid. I’m not angry, but I want my time respected without starting a fight.

    I don’t want him to be mad or feel like I’m shrugging him off, but he isn’t the greatest at making time for me. (which I know does not belong in the FM, I’m just saying…)

    I know it’s important to get this stuff listed, but I’m exhausted just thinking about all I have going on for the next week. (I won’t be home until Thursday night.) It was his choice to sit with his buddy all day (when I did have the time to work on the listings.)

    What should I say? 🙁

  124.  #124Memulo on March 1, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    Starla, is there a reason you don’t eat?

  125.  #125April Rose on March 1, 2012 at 3:48 pm

    I feel back to square one. 🙁

    Four months ago I told WM that I wanted to go out and enjoy myself and, to not put pressure on him, I would be accepting dates from men. WM wasn’t taking me out at that time.

    I then started dating EM, and WM responded by stepping up and planning outings with me.

    Since I’m sadly giving up EM (not quite sure about this, so I might need to process my thoughts/feelings on here) I fear simply going back into the old groove.

  126.  #126Lizka on March 1, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    So exciting thing #3 (that’s only today!!)

    I wrote on my Facebook wall “Oh my god I am SO excited!!” [about the possibility of going to Rome of course!]

    And SexyGuy#1 from the club 2 weeks ago (the one I already new who was friends from DjCD) commented something and I guess we kind of flirted… anyway if it was not flirt, I think I was pretty sireny again and he is probably intrigued!

    Him: For no particular reason just like that?

    Me: Oh no there is a reason 🙂

    Him: Intriguing [Lizka] Ivanova.. (just to put you in context, for my russian friends, I translate my family name into a russian name, just for fun and because I think it’s sexy, and he loves to call me like that)

    Me: [Lizka] Mystery-ova…

    And he haven’t answer yet but I’m sure he indeed feels intrigued and if he doesn’t answer to this, he might come later to find out why I’m feeling so excited. Don’t you think?

    Anyway, this short flirt ALSO felt exciting! 🙂

  127.  #127Jilly on March 1, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    hmmm….maybe it’s because I’ve worked with 20 person fire crews (mostly men) for weeks on end but there is NO room for anyone’s cranky morning tired bullsh*t…I believe this is completely’s a choice

    it feels bad to me to hear excuses for it…

    k I think I need to leave the blog for a while…

  128.  #128Ella on March 1, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    This is a good website with loads of resources for when we are feeling bad/anxious:

  129.  #129Starla on March 1, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    I was so busy at work I couldn’t get away from my desk to eat. Sometimes I just put off eating in the name of being productive, but I’ve knocked that off recently. I was just sooo busy I couldn’t eat.

  130.  #130Memulo on March 1, 2012 at 3:51 pm


    Please don’t feel scared lol: he has a minimalistic style. But he did let me know that in case I couldn’t eat, work and overall function with the thought that I woke him up this morning, I can relax.


    Your Rome plan sounds awesome!!

  131.  #131April Rose on March 1, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    I love your no-nonsense attitude.
    Are you a firewoman?

    I have great respect for you and your colleagues. I lost my father in a house fire some years ago.

  132.  #132Memulo on March 1, 2012 at 3:57 pm


    yes it is hard for me to get this cranky in the morning thing too. But I’m an early riser and I fall asleep easily. And I don’t take my own stuff to other people (at least I don’t think I do).

  133.  #133Memulo on March 1, 2012 at 3:58 pm


    Really don’t want to sound like I know better, but sometimes not being hungry increases your efficiency. But I am not able to function without food for so long. Feel like fainting.

  134.  #134Ella on March 1, 2012 at 4:00 pm

    Jilly re 107

    Yes that helps some.


    Having red bush tea now.

    Feeling a little bit calmer, but the amxious gremlin voices are still there!

  135.  #135Memulo on March 1, 2012 at 4:02 pm


    You really do sound great, I feel so happy for you! Even if it weren’t for the history exhibit, Vatican is such a great place, you’d have the time of your life there.

    Btw if you have 2 weeks, you don’t have to stay in Rome the whole time. The rest of Italy is very different from Rome. And it’s a small country. It takes about 2 -3 hours to get to Florence I think? And like 5 hours to Venice (can be less, don’t remember anymore).

  136.  #136Memulo on March 1, 2012 at 4:03 pm

    ((((April Rose ))))

  137.  #137Lizka on March 1, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    And exciting #4, 5, 6, 7, etc…

    A girl I met during vacation in Florida (but who lives in my city and actually almost on the same street as me!) asked me to suscribed to hot yoga classes together! We start Saturday! I feel excited about the opportunity of making a new girl friend!

    I bought a fashion magazine and I’m now dreaming of fantastic spring clothes I want to buy

    I made a big deal at work and more coming in the next days/weeks… $$$$$

    I am having more and more fun with my team at work. We laughed a lot in the last weeks.

    We are having a snow storm and I just love it and it looks so beautiful outside…

    I painted my nails in a super flashy raspberry-color to call the spring 🙂

    … And so many other small things that I can’t think about but that just made my day great. Oh! And almost not thinking of ATW anymore. Of course if he doesn’t come back, I might be disapointed, but right now, I’m just feeling zen and practicing to channeling my thoughts. Doing pretty good so far and all the exciting things help a lot!

  138.  #138Lizka on March 1, 2012 at 4:07 pm

    Thank you for advices about Rome Memulo!

    I haven’t check exactly what I’m gonna do but yes, if I can visit one or 2 other cities, it would be great! And maybe see the Mediterranean sea also 🙂

  139.  #139Starla on March 1, 2012 at 4:07 pm

    memulo, you’re right, i just couldn’t get away from the office that day.

  140.  #140Lizka on March 1, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    So now I’m gonna go walk my cute little dog in the snow storm (the storm is almost over now, it’s just some light snow) and just enjoy being alive and on such a wonderful planet. 🙂

    Talk to you later!!

  141.  #141Starla on March 1, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    Ella, thanks for sharing this site!!

  142.  #142April Rose on March 1, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    Thank you Memulo

  143.  #143Ella on March 1, 2012 at 4:16 pm

    Scripting a bit…

    My Truth:

    I still feel hella scared and triggered by the amount of acohol. I feel scared and anxious about this.

    When I see you working on yourself and making changes for the best out of your own free choice like you have been, well that makes me feel a lot good and safe.

    I don’t want to feel worried anymore.

    I would like to be able to let go and trust.


    When I don’t hear from people when I thought I would, I sometimes feel afraid and my mind assumes the worst.

    (Hmmmm, not sure about this as it seems very expectationy).

    I felt afraid when I did not hear from you yesterday. I felt anxious and my mind started thinking up stories about that something bad had happened.

  144.  #144Sun Goddess on March 1, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    LP just called and said he didn’t realize I had my drs appt on Monday or else he would have checked on me then. He also said how much he misses being in Vegas with me. And, he asked if we could meet tomorrow so he could give me some of the money he owes me! Wow, wasn’t expecting any of that!

  145.  #145Sun Goddess on March 1, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    LP just called and said he didn’t realize I had my drs appt on Monday or else he would have checked on me then. He also said how much he misses being in Vegas with me. And, he asked if we could meet tomorrow so he could give me some of the money he owes me! Wow, wasn’t expecting any of that!

  146.  #146Ella on March 1, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    Night Sirenesses.

  147.  #147Mel on March 1, 2012 at 4:27 pm

    Thanks for your thoughts on jealousy ladies… I appreciate it! And FW… I so envy your ability to know exactly the right thing to say at any given moment. Girl… I learn from the best!

    So here’s what happened… to make me feel all reflective: Mr. A said “I’m going to meet my friend (insert girl’s name) for a coffee after work.” I’m like okay, cool. —– no jealous feelings.

    Then he’s like… yeah, and she’s just a friend (even put that in italics) K? I just wanted to be honest and transparent. You are my only love interest.” ——- suddenly feeling a tiny little twinge of jealousy.

    What’s with that? It’s like my brain was all like hmmmmm…. why are you making such a big deal of it? This feels weird….

    Anyway, not sure why that happened… especially since he was trying to make me NOT feel jealous. LOL

  148.  #148Mel on March 1, 2012 at 4:30 pm


    Running question: What is the best way to keep a certain pace when running outside? I do great on a treadmill, then when I try to run outside I start off too fast and then get tired. I’m training for a race, so I kinda need to learn to run outside…. 🙂


  149.  #149Sun Goddess on March 1, 2012 at 4:34 pm

    I’m shaking I’m so irritated with what I just saw on fb!

  150.  #150Sun Goddess on March 1, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    After seeing it, I just updated my status to “Sometimes people lie to you because they are trying to protect you. Wouldn’t it just be better to know the truth even if it feels bad?”. Then it hit me, SG you ate hiding the truth from LP about CdAN. You are no better. You need to say something to him.

  151.  #151Memulo on March 1, 2012 at 4:37 pm


    More than 1 or 2 cities. In Tuscany for example they are all so close, like an hour apart. You can easily make a day trip from say Florence or Sienna and see a couple.

  152.  #152Lizka on March 1, 2012 at 4:48 pm

    Hi Mel!

    I feel happy that you ask for advices about running. I love talking about that. 🙂

    Do you have a smartphone? On my iPhone (and I guess they have it on Android and Blackberry too…) I have an app called “Run Keeper”. It’s magic. It’s like my own personal trainer! It works with the “GPS” and tells you your speed, your pace, etc. You can set it to every .25 km or every 1, 2, 3 minutes, as you wish! And while you listen to your favourite music, it tells you your pace and every information you wish (you can also select what you want to hear). So you can notice how fast you are going and can reduce your speed if you’re going too fast.

    If you don’t have a smartphone, there’s some other ways to do it. When I started running, I had the same issue. Was going too fast and getting tired really quickly. So my exboyfriend who’s an Ironman athlete just suggested to me that I really “focus” every second of my run to going as slowly as I can. We practice focusing here all the time, you should be good at it! You will quickly get use to it and it will become more easy to go to your “good” pace without thinking of it all the time.

    Also, if you listen to music when you run, don’t go with too “fast tempo” music. I read somwehere that the best music is Abba. They have the perfect tempo for running. They gave for example the song “dancing queen”. So if you can find songs that have about the same tempo and make a running playlist it would be great. On iPhone (again!!), there is another app called “Run playlists” and you can select songs according to the distance you want to run (5K, 10K, half, full marathon) or the pace you want to go, and you can download them on iTunes directly from there.

    Hope that helps! Don’t hesitate to ask me if you have more question.

    I feel curious now, for what race are you training? And what distance?

  153.  #153FlowerChild77 on March 1, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    Lizka, It’s good to hear you so happy! I am not well traveled, but it’s exciting to hear about.

    Ella, I haven’t checked it out much (just clicked on the link) but that sounds like a really helpful site. Thanks for sharing that. I SO admire how you’re just taking things as they come. Did you post any pics of your new boots? 😉

    (((Sun Goddess))) I’m thinking all this anxiety isn’t good for your health issues. Are you and LP exclusive? Have you said the no girlfriend speech with him (with whatever that means for you–I think I remember you saying you didn’t want to get married…? Sorry if I’m mixed up about that.)

    Are you feeling like you will lose LP if you tell him you are CDing? I think you have to tell him about it without using the FB information–so it’s based on how you feel, rather than on what he’s doing.

  154.  #154Sun Goddess on March 1, 2012 at 5:05 pm


    It wasn’t something he did, but more something he left out. Neighbor lady, his mom, his daughter, and her daughter apparently went to a tea together. Hmm…so much for her just seeing them in passing.

    I don’t know what he thinks about us, I don’t really think we are much of anything anymore but he likes what we are (and I’m not sure what that is to him). Part of me wants to wipe him out of my life and move on and the other part loves him and knows that I would feel jealousy like this in any relationship and I need to get through it.

  155.  #155Daria on March 1, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    Sun Goddess you don’t have to tell him anything of course.

    Please put down the hammer and stop beating yourself up.

    i think changing your status to that was a game-playing and judgemental activity and it brought your inner self esteem down and your anxiety up

  156.  #156Sun Goddess on March 1, 2012 at 5:09 pm


    Maybe. How do I let him know it feels bad to know things like this?

  157.  #157Sun Goddess on March 1, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    I feel like no one fu(king cares about me, so why should I?

  158.  #158Sassy on March 1, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    Texted JT on Tuesday night my “I wants” (to feel cherished and romanced and feel adored, etc). And that I feel happy and safe and secure when I’m with him. (which really isn’t very often, we are more FWB than anything). He texted right back, “lol maybe”. Haven’t heard from him since. Not sure how I feel about it at this point. Certainly don’t feel any sense of urgency. Really kinda thinkin that if he can’t or WON’T step up, then I will find someone that will. That hurts to think about doing that. Oh well, I love me, finally!!!!

    Much love

  159.  #159Daria on March 1, 2012 at 5:15 pm

    for me when people express stuff in terms of telling me what to do – even reasonable things such as

    stop doing that!

    or Please do this

    it triggers massive resistance and anger. I don’t want to be controlled. just cuz someone tells me to stop doesnt mean i want to or will.

    i notice that this triggerdoesnt happen when fm’s and dont wants are used:

    i don’t want this.

    without the directive of telling me what to do “please don’t do that etc”

    it reminds me of being a child and feeling controlled and


    whewQ!!! triggering just to write about it!

    i feel ANGRY !


    hello !!!

    (ps sorry if i trigger anyone expressing my reaction to that communication stuff.. I AM NOT TRYING TO JUDGE ANYONE FOR THEIR COMMUNICATION. and i don’t want to come across as in saaying “stop that” “do this” or “please dont do that” is “wrong or bad”. it’s not, and *I* sometimes communicate that way when feeling triggered and that the situation is out of my control myself)

  160.  #160Daria on March 1, 2012 at 5:20 pm

    FW – expounding on my post . i think its cuz the boundaries are Selfboundaries, and externalizing them to others can feel bad to the toher person and like they are being controlled.

    example boundary: “i don’t want to be written about in your posts”

    ok, but the ohter person has a RIGHT to do whatever they want, including write about taht person!

    it is up to the person WITH the boundary to enforce it (by walking away) if they dont like the response/situation

  161.  #161Starla on March 1, 2012 at 5:27 pm

    🙂 I am going to spend the evening showering, relaxing, cleaning my goddess lair, and doing my nails.

    i love me sooooooooooooooooo much. i @m just amazing. I have accomplished sooo much even when it was just me and not a soul to turn to. Now I have people to turn to and it feels more important than ever to take lovely care of myself.

    love to me love to me love to me <3

  162.  #162Sun Goddess on March 1, 2012 at 5:28 pm

    I hate this roller coaster of feelings I’m having right now. I feel crazy.

  163.  #163LiliBee on March 1, 2012 at 5:30 pm



    I don’t have many comforting things to say…Except I’m so glad to see you cd’ing 🙂

    I feel comforted to see that I’m not the only one with these jealousy twinges. Thank you for sharing, I’m hoping to learn from your situation.

    One thing I’ve noticed about myself through my jealous feelings: These women display their freedom of just doing whatever makes them feel good and they don’t think twice about feeling imposing.
    Whereas I mostly feel like an imposter, I usually feel like I don’t belong unless someone invites me.
    I always wait for people to invite me bc I am insecure and need to feel wanted.
    My neighbourlady asks and takes whatever she wants and never thinks twice about imposing.
    She invited herself on D’s vacation with His friends.

    That triggers me like crazy, bc I would never dare feel that I am valuable or important enough to ask for and do whatever I want by fear of imposing.
    I know I’ll be struggling with this trigger until I heal my selfworth issue.

    I always felt like I was “in the way” of my parents when I was a child.
    I fear feeling that and avoid it like the plague, so I withdraw and hold back.
    When I see another woman acting like the opposite, it sooo triggers my jealousy buttons.
    And then it just gets worse, my fear feeds my withdrawing and holding back.
    And the “entitled” feeling woman takes over the space that belongs to me, bc I don’t claim my own space.

    I feel angry when I think of that trigger.

    Than I put down that woman for having what I wish I had, the feeling of freedom to take and receive what I want…while I deny myself bc of fear of rejection or not being worthy.

    When I put that woman down, it surely does not make me look and feel sireny.

  164.  #164T-Girl on March 1, 2012 at 5:34 pm

    147 Mel, I think men like it when we feel jealous. Maybe he was trying to get a reaction from you?

  165.  #165LiliBee on March 1, 2012 at 5:35 pm


    Daria, I feel the same way in those circumstances.

  166.  #166T-Girl on March 1, 2012 at 5:35 pm

    Lizka, your trip to Rome sounds so exciting! I have never been to Europe but hope to go someday. The thought intimidates me a bit though like would I know how to get around or communicate.

  167.  #167LiliBee on March 1, 2012 at 5:42 pm


    SG, If you ever find that FM, pllleease share it with me.

    I’ll do the same if I find a good one.

    I remember telling D when he invited me to go see his son play hockey: Why don’t you ask precious neighbourlady, she did say she would like to go sometime!
    Like I said, she never hesitates to show interest and ask.
    Do you ever hold back on expressing interest where she does?

    Coz that’s how she gets close, and I get kept at a distance coz I can express meanness instead of interest.

  168.  #168LiliBee on March 1, 2012 at 5:43 pm


    I feel so happy to see my little sunshine back out beaming! 🙂

  169.  #169Sun Goddess on March 1, 2012 at 5:44 pm

    LiliBee, thank you so much for your comment. I was hoping you would be here tonight and your right I feel the same way, she forces herself in and gets what she wants. For all I know she asked to join LPs mom and daughter for a tea party. I’m sure he didn’t suggest it and she is probably trying to get in whatever way she can. I cannot punish LP for it.

    I keep asking myself if it is healthy for me to be dealing with this with him and I keep coming back with the trout that I need to deal with it because it will follow me into even the most ideal relationship.

  170.  #170Sun Goddess on March 1, 2012 at 5:45 pm


    I use those little digs too.

  171.  #171Silver Moonbeam on March 1, 2012 at 5:50 pm

    I have no problem apologising if I have done something wrong myself, but honestly I don’t “get” this whole post, are we supposed to apologise for everything wrong even if it wasn’t our fault?

    WAY BEHIND on the blogs again……

  172.  #172LiliBee on March 1, 2012 at 5:51 pm


    I feel that way too sometimes. But I’ve discovered that when I assume that they do, they do.
    When I believe they don’t care, I withdraw, and that withdrawal makes me look like it’s me that doesn’t care about others…so they stay away.

    I’ve proven this to myself w my friends and family by shifting my thoughts around it, and it worked. My family and friends have turned out to me so attentive and caring towards me since I’ve shifted that belief…I have yet to experience this with a man…siiighhh…someday sooon.

  173.  #173Sun Goddess on March 1, 2012 at 5:56 pm

    I let those stupid nerves get me down after having a couple of great days taking care of me. I think I am almost through this thunderstorm of bad feelings.

  174.  #174Silver Moonbeam on March 1, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    #37 SLV

    Totally agree.

    I am envious of some of some of the Sirens but never jealous.

  175.  #175LiliBee on March 1, 2012 at 6:07 pm


    It has followed me through 3 relationships!

    She is there to show you a behaviour that you totally deny yourself.
    Do you find yourself saying to yourself “How dare she feel so entitled to do whatever she pleases?”
    That’s what tells me that I don’t think that I am worthy enough to allow myself to feel entitled to do whatever I please…and it turns the knife in that wound when I see someone else NOT denying themselves anything.

    So I started practicing this way:
    A coworker friend of mine who I admire a great deal, was hinting at going on outtings with me. But just hinting. I need a big neon sign and practically her begging me so I can be sure she really wants to go anywhere with me.
    So last time I spoke about doing something for myself, she said “Ohhh, I would looove that, please let me know when you’re going, I would like to tag along.”
    So I decided to stop being scared of people, and asked her if such a time would be good.
    Then i actually booked it for both of us.

    She’s so happy I did!

    She was probably afraid of me rejecting her coz I never reacted to her hints (I again withdraw out of fear).
    Now that I did show interest in spending time with her, she will most likely not hesitate to invite me or show she cares.

    I’m practicing being worthy of having friends and just plain having attention…being open to others.
    I’m hoping this will spill onto my love life.

    Which is what cd’ing will likely do you for you…practice being worthy of attention.

  176.  #176Daria on March 1, 2012 at 6:09 pm

    Sun Goddess – hmmm, this neighbor lady triggers you…

    I would remove her from FB.

    Never check his or her page.

    When he calls I’d let him know how I’m feeling : i felt so jealous seeing an FB post that neighborlady had lunch with your family. I know its not your fault . omg it felt awful.

  177.  #177Lizka on March 1, 2012 at 6:09 pm

    Yes yes LiliBee, I’m back 🙂 hopefuly for good!!

  178.  #178Daria on March 1, 2012 at 6:10 pm

    then yall will be a team against her ! 🙂

  179.  #179VW on March 1, 2012 at 6:11 pm

    Silver Moonbeam:

    I understand the confusion you are expressing 🙂

    Apologizing…although it may appear “technically” doing it for “him”…it is not…

    In the scheme of things…practicing the belief that “I” am “one” with everything, and that this man in front of me is a projection of myself…apologizing to him…is indeed apologizing to self…soo freeing and liberating!

    warm hugs,

  180.  #180Sun Goddess on March 1, 2012 at 6:12 pm

    Wow, I’m glad you discovered that, because this will sure help me knowing that I feel unworthy which is so true. It did feel weird to have CdAN pay for everything and when I said thank you, he told me “No thank you for allowing me to get to know you.”. It felt so weird to not have to have a conversation about who should pay like I do with LP.

  181.  #181Megan on March 1, 2012 at 6:16 pm

    OH MY GOSH this is EXACTLY what I have been going on about..FW!!! where are you?!!

    So are we agreeing that this applies to the guy as well?? to both sides??

    cus this could really clear up everything…

  182.  #182Sun Goddess on March 1, 2012 at 6:16 pm


    At this point I am keeping her to prove a point. It may seem like game playing, and maybe it is, but I refuse to be told what to do and with whom to do it with. I don’t have to look at her page though, that I can control.

  183.  #183LiliBee on March 1, 2012 at 6:17 pm

    I’m still sick w a cold, the 2nd one this winter.
    All my coworkers got it one after the other.

    I so don’t feel sireny when I’m sick. I don’t feel like cd’ing, so my cds are all feeling my vibe and staying away.

    But I’ll get a good night’s sleep. I have plans w friends for Friday night and for Saturday night, doing something different on both nights other than nightclubbing.
    That’s gonna feel refreshing 🙂

    It will help me keep my mind off of my lack of a relationship.

  184.  #184LiliBee on March 1, 2012 at 6:27 pm


    Awww, that feels nice doesn’t it?
    He looks like a good man. Just enjoying getting to know you 🙂

  185.  #185Sun Goddess on March 1, 2012 at 6:29 pm


    It was sweet and awkward for me to just smile and receive.

  186.  #186Xti on March 1, 2012 at 6:32 pm

    I said I’m sorry tonight.

    He didn’t ask me for an apology. I don’t think it even crossed his mind honestly. But I was feeling bad about turning down his offer for dinner on Saturday night. He was scheduled to work, so I made plans. He texted that he switched his schedule today and could we do something.

    I know that honoring myself and the plans I already made is the right thing to do, but sensing his disappointment created feelings of guilt in me. So I said, “I’m sorry”.

    Guess what? I think that there is a connection between saying “I’m sorry” and forgiving yourself. I am exploring this connection but I sense it. I sense that I feel better because I expressed my regret that he feels bad.

    I didn’t blame him… or me. I feel secure and honest and trustworthy and good. This is a small little victory that I’m going to hold onto and remember when the next challenge comes and the bar is set a bit higher.

  187.  #187Sun Goddess on March 1, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    Good night Sirens!

  188.  #188FlowerChild77 on March 1, 2012 at 8:03 pm

    (((((Lilibee)))))…I totally, totally understand how you felt around your parents. I was not wanted either. I left home when I was 14. It doesn’t take much for me to withdraw emotionally.

    It is difficult to believe that I’m loveable when my own parents didn’t even want me. Wow, do I understand.

    I see you making so much progress and I admire you.

    I have to go read stories and snuggle with my little sweetheart. She’s waiting for me… 😉

  189.  #189Brenda on March 1, 2012 at 8:14 pm


    RE: #90 – “((((Brenda)))) Do you have any interests where you could do some volunteer work and meet people…new friends? This might feel less awkward than meet-up groups. Just an idea.”

    Fantastic idea! I will put some serious thought into that! That’s cool what you do!

    “You are a beautiful soul, Brenda. I often times think how much I wish we lived a lot closer. I would love to hang out with you. I know what you really long for is a man who wants marriage, but I think those opportunities can easily come along while we’re just living our lives, focusing on ourselves and having FUN <3"

    Wow, I feel touched! Thank you so much! I would love to hang out with you, too! I know you're right about how we meet a man.

    "Have you gotten any responses from your profile that you posted the other day?"

    I have a date this Friday or Saturday with Gentleman. I feel really excited, and we had a nice half hour conversation on the phone! He wasn't sure of his schedule yet.

    I want to move slowly right now on dating, because I need to recover a little more from Ryan's latest assault on my soul.

  190.  #190Butterfly wings on March 1, 2012 at 8:40 pm

    🙁 I feel like there’s a huge party is on this weekend, and everyone’s invited – except me. Icky!!! 🙁

    I’ve been feeling so good and then TH just posted a thing on FB listing 10 names of people who are going to the music festival. And 3 are girls. Two are friends of his friend and the third is an old friend of his. ICK!!!!

    I didn’t know their history so asked who she was. Apparently she asked TH if she could borrow money off him for a ticket so she could go with her BF. I feel reassured about that.

    But I still feel cr@ppy that I’m not invited.

    I want to say something like “I feel a little sad and left out, like everyone’s been invited to a huge party in town – except me. ”

    What do you think sirens?

    I won’t go if he changes his mind about taking me as I have other plans for this weekend, son this is purely about expressing how I feel.

  191.  #191Butterfly wings on March 1, 2012 at 8:42 pm

    Oops “son” should be “so”.

    Hate typing on phone! 😉

  192.  #192Brenda on March 1, 2012 at 8:44 pm


    Don’t take yourself so seriously.

  193.  #193LoveAlways on March 1, 2012 at 8:45 pm

    I learned this recently Rori! Thought about something I said one day . . . didn’t come out how I meant it, and he sat across from me feeling some kind of way, and it came to me to say “I’m sorry” – not an immediate turn around, but indeed, it was a salve

  194.  #194Brenda on March 1, 2012 at 8:55 pm


    I would tell him. That stinks. Why does he keep doing that??

  195.  #195LoveAlways on March 1, 2012 at 8:55 pm

    I accepted a date with a new CD for this weekend. I feel crazy – I feel like my life is a whirlwind

  196.  #196Butterfly wings on March 1, 2012 at 9:00 pm

    Yeah but what about my FMs. Are they ok?

    A friend of mine has lent me her copy of love scripts. I soooo need to listen to that!!!

  197.  #197Turquoise on March 1, 2012 at 9:02 pm

    This has been the crappiest week ever. My daughter didn’t make the cheer squad, and all her friends did. This would have been her first year, she still needed to improve on a few things, but she really tried hard. I feel AWFUL and worried, she is sooooo sad for an 11 year old.

    I wish I could take all the pain away. She doesn’t have school tomorrow, which is good… will give her a chance to feel better before facing everyone.

    Tomorrow we are going to see Disney on Ice which will be fun. I hope it cheers her up. Saturday, I was hoping she’d make plans to stay at a friends, but I think it might be best if she stays home.

    My ex found out he’s going to be doing a lot of traveling, so most likely won’t be here for CM’s birthday in 3 weeks…

    We need some good news. This week has sucked. Big time.

  198.  #198Starbright on March 1, 2012 at 9:13 pm

    (((Turquoise and your CM)))

    Unfortunately her friends made it and she didn’t. It seems there are always such limited cheerleader positions so I’m thinking there must have been many others who didn’t make it. And, most likely many others who didn’t even try to make it. Kudos to her for going for it!

    What does she really excel at or something else she really loves to do? Maybe some special time in that passionate place could help at this time…

    Anyhow, it does sound like you are ready for some feel good times!

  199.  #199Brenda on March 1, 2012 at 9:28 pm


    RE: #196 – I think your feeling messages are good. Lucky you! I want to get Love Scripts. Rori is awesome!

  200.  #200Butterfly wings on March 1, 2012 at 9:29 pm

    Awwww! So sorry to hear that your daughter missed out Turquoise. So hard for an 11 year old to go through that too.

    Hopefully you can work with her to find something else she’s interested in, to take her mind off it.

    My daughter is like me – uncoordinated. So she’s also missed out on a few things too and felt disappointed and left out like that.


  201.  #201Turquoise on March 1, 2012 at 9:42 pm

    No, it doesn’t quite work that way (limited positions) 17 out of she thinks 22 made it. So, to be 1 of 5 who didn’t, makes it even worse. But you are right, at least she tried. She started off by saying, oh well… there’s next year, but then thought she wouldn’t try out…. but she certianly doesn’t have to decide now. THey take gymnastics, and we need to step it up. With the holidays, being sick, the weather, etc. they’ve missed a lot of classes.

    I was captain of the cheerleaders, and my youngest is very coordinated. CV hasn’t found her niche yet. She loves to read, but isn’t super atheltic, or the best student. She is very very compassionate, so I’ve been thinking of finding her some volunteer opportunities, believe she’d feel good about herself if she did some volunteer work, may learn a little about herself too. Maybe even at the dog shelter, she loves animals, and it’s right near our house. She really wants to start babysitting this summer… but she needs a fun, social outlet as well. She danced for years, has a brown belt in karate, is still in Girl Scouts…. but the cheer and gymnastics don’t come as easy to her…. so if she really wants to do it, will be good she has this time. The hard part is she knew she messed up the dance, but so did most of the girls. It’s all I heard when I picked her up. She really really tried too. I just feel awful. I hate when my kids are hurting or upset.

    Overall, it’s just been a really bad week and I’m ready for it to be over.

  202.  #202Silver Moonbeam on March 1, 2012 at 10:07 pm

    #179 VW

    Thank you, I so get what you are saying re the “we are all one in the Universe” type thingie, but with the above post from Rori, it seems like the man was the one doing the FM’s big time and the woman had to apologise for nothing basically. When I was married I know I apologised many times for nothing just to keep the peace, not rock the boat, etc.

    I thought the whole point was to be authentic and about how you really feel.

    Sorry still confused about this one.

  203.  #203Silver Moonbeam on March 1, 2012 at 10:14 pm

    #201 Turq

    Soooo hard when our kids/grand-kids don’t “make it.”

    {{{ HUGS }}}

    I see the same with my grand-kids, they just have to find something else that they fit more in with.

    In Oz my youngest grand-daughter gets picked for everything at school, whilst the eldest never did, she is a lot quieter and more compassionate too, what she found (she is 16 now) is that she is GREAT at photography and now each Christmas she gets a better and better camera, her photo’s are AMAZING for a young lady of her own age and that is now her passion, so it doesn’t matter quite as much if she doesn’t get picked for the netball team or the soccer team or whatever. People are now asking her to do photo shoots for them!!

    Your daughter will get there with your loving support.

  204.  #204Emerson on March 1, 2012 at 10:36 pm

    OMG I love love love your trip idea!! Rome is awesome!! I’m soo into the Vatican and all the history and art, etc…it was SO AMAZING to be there!

    I went to Europe by myself too!!! I mean, yes, I have family there, but I was in other parts away from them totally alone, Rome included!!! SO FUN.

    It was years ago, but it was one of the best times I ever had!! You will love it, and you will meet soo many people. I met soo many nice people and cute guys too!! I cried when I got home!

    I feel ENVIOUS about your plans…but I feel INSPIRED to do something similar!!!!

    Yay Lizka!
    I like all your other stories too!
    I feel inspired to paint my nails pink. 🙂

  205.  #205Tina on March 1, 2012 at 11:23 pm

    I feel anger,when this happens,that is my first reaction maybe defensiveness. Ive learned that apologies feel uncomfortable. My reaction is that the other person doesnt deserve an apology, which really means I guess , that I dont deserve an apology.” Im sorry I seem so cold,” then have lots of great sex after 🙂

  206.  #206Silver Moonbeam on March 1, 2012 at 11:36 pm

    I have forgotten what the 4 Rules are????????

  207.  #207River Girl on March 1, 2012 at 11:52 pm

    Hey Moonbeam

    Trust your boundaries
    Follow your feelings
    Choose your words
    Be surprised

    I printed it out on the dymo machine and stuck it to the top of my computer monitor. Everytime I read those words I feel a little bit better.

  208.  #208Tiffany on March 2, 2012 at 12:17 am

    Hi Everyone!!!

    I promise I am reading everyone’s posts, I’m just not able to respond to everyone that I want to…

    And for the moment, I just need to blog about my strange and amazing day, because if I don’t, I am afraid I will be too “juiced up” to go to sleep!!

    First of all, if you remember, in the last thread, I mentioned that I told NS (New Scientist) that I just wanted to be “friends.” Well, he sent me an email back, saying that he understood, and he apologized, and he wants to “give it another try.” And he formally asked me for a “date” to go see a movie this Saturday (!). I haven’t responded yet, but I think I’ll say yes.

    Meanwhile, got a nice note from Jg (Canadian who is visiting the Philippines and wants to come see me).

    Ooh, and here’s what makes me feel really good: last night, I had a kind of an odd moment in the conversation with OM. He was “helpy” – but in a way that felt bad, even though I knew he was just trying to be nice. He basically stepped on my toes. So anyway, I felt cranky. But I realized I was tired. So I made sure to end the conversation on a positive note. And even though I still felt a little cranky, and still had things I wanted to “say” about the situation, I held it, because I didn’t want to make a “big deal” out of such a small thing. Well, meanwhile I was worried about all this. But then he chatted me in the morning – before he even got out of bed! He thought of me when he woke up. That is so cute! 🙂 And it was raining, so we chatted about cuddling in bed in the rain. aaaawwwww.

    We just chatted good night, too. So sweet. 🙂 He’s out of town right now, but he’s staying in touch. I’m liking it a lot.

    Meanwhile, K suddenly decided he wanted to talk to me tonight. And that’s what I feel all jazzed up about.

    Truthtelling Goddess was out in force, I’ll tell you that!

    It was strange. I just wasn’t sugar-coating anything. In fact, he even observed that I wasn’t. And I felt no remorse, and no attachment. I just said what was true for me. And I stayed in myself. I stayed On My Horse, is what I did.

    EVEN when he was not being cool, and shifting plans on me. In fact, when he did that, I told him, flat out – I gave him a semi-long-ish spiel about not jerking me around. In fact, I actually said that, and I’m pretty sure I’ve never used that precise phraseology on anyone before. There was a lot more to it than that, and it had to do with the whole nature of how he’s been treating me (mostly feeling, some context). To which he responded, “Okay, I get it.”

    And after that, I just…hung up. I couldn’t think of anything to say, and I was done. Not even good-bye.

    After that, I felt so jittery, I could just feel adrenaline in my veins. It was like suddenly this crocodile I didn’t know what in the river reached up and just plucked this annoying bird off the shore. Wow!

    I was just so tired, and so mad at him for wasting all this time with me on the phone, and not going anywhere with it. I’m glad I told him to stop jerking me around, because that is exactly what he’s been doing!

    And then…THEN. I did something powerful (to me). I had said that I might as well just throw his earpiece away that he left at my house, and he could get a new one, because he doesn’t seem to want it back. Well, he made no bold moves to plan to either come and get it (he’s cancelled twice), or to confirm me to go down there and bring it to him. So I just – threw it away.

    I tossed it in the trash. He doesn’t want it? It’s garbage to me. It’s meaningless. And I’m tired of looking at it, and I’m tired of trying to find a way to give it back to him. I don’t want it anymore. And if he shows up to get it – too late. It’s gone.

    He knows. I think I was pretty clear.

    And this Siren Goddess has no remorse for any of it.

    In fact, I feel very much in my power, in a completely new way. It’s hard to explain. It feels calm, yet charged with energy. And I don’t even think this is the PMS talking – although it could be. But it felt strong, not weak, what I was saying and doing. And I feel completely unattached to what happens next.

    Yay!!!!! Freedom!!!

  209.  #209Cris on March 2, 2012 at 12:32 am

    Hi everybody! I’m 29 years old and 7 months ago I ended a relationship of 6 years. It hurt so much and still does, but now it’s a dead end.

    He was a wonderful guy at first. In time, he became spoiled and careless about how I felt. I had accepted to be the one to apologise in any situation, because I wanted the relationship to work and also because at first I thought it can’t hurt to apologise. But then he started to have expectations. He did things that hurt me (emotionally) and then expected me to apologise. We connected very well, we spent wonderful time together when we were not fighting. But somehow it became my responsability to confort him when we had a fight, even if he was the one who would start it.

    One day we had a fight and he said that I was wrong and he was wright “because he sais so”. I had a breakdown and started to cry. He said I was faking it and that I should apologise about that. I felt broke and hurt and decided to end the relationship on the spot. He waited for me to go back and apologise. He waited for 2 weeks for my call, after which HE called but said that I should apologise for hurting him. I didn’t… so he said “bye” and waited for another four moths to call. When he eventually did, he said that he loved me and that he knew he had been wrong but for him my refusal to apologise meant to him that I didn’t love him any more, and that he felt very hurt and confused. We didn’t get back together, it was too late for me.

    But the are times when I feel that by apologising in any situation… I let that happen. I let him be a spoiled child. I thought that he would apreciate me for being the one to confort him no matter what. He didn’t. It just got worst each time I said “I’m sorry I hurt you”. He got used to believeng that I was the one to hurt him…

  210.  #210Emerson on March 2, 2012 at 12:40 am

    Tiffany, I felt inspired reading your post.
    Yay Tiffany!
    I feel happy for you. I know that feeling of liberation. YOu know what?? I have a feeling you got him thinking and he may be back.

    Love to you!

  211.  #211Emerson on March 2, 2012 at 12:47 am

    NewCD never called me back and I really don’t care at all. I did not like all his party pics on his profile anyways. Seems he likes to party a lot. I don’t mind a few now and then!!!! But I don’t post party pics all over my dating site profile. I think guys think it makes them look cool….i don’t know.

    I have been waking up with panic and fear about my job situation and I’m really working on putting things into perspective.

    I am meeting some friends tomorrow and also job searching!! If I have time I will squeeze in a mani/pedi!!!!!

  212.  #212Emerson on March 2, 2012 at 12:48 am

    Sirens I know I sound negative on the blog sometimes.

    I have to vent it out and process thru it.

    I have to cough it out so I can move on to the next thing.

    Sometimes it is harder than other times to get to that point!

  213.  #213Brenda on March 2, 2012 at 12:58 am

    I am aware that it sounds far-fetched that Ryan was trying to establish mind control over me. I pushed his limits in the last couple of weeks enough to verify that he was. My trust was violated at the deepest level. I feel jaded. I fear for my ability to trust again.

  214.  #214Emerson on March 2, 2012 at 1:02 am

    Hi Brenda

  215.  #215Emerson on March 2, 2012 at 1:04 am

    I know this doesn’t help Brenda, but I’ve worked with schizophrenics in my line of work and I’ve learned that in this population imagining they have mind control over others or thinking others have mind control over them is very common.

    I am sorry you feel jaded and hurt!! Who wouldn’t? You are a human being with feelings.
    You are a beautiful woman. I am confident you can heal this.

    I have much healing to do with trust as well. Baby steps and one day at a time. I am determined to get there…to a point of feeling that healing is happening each day.

  216.  #216Emerson on March 2, 2012 at 1:06 am

    Before I found Rori’s blog, I was healing in other ways and I am soo proud of you Emerson for being so creative in wanting to take care of yourself and heal yourself!!!

  217.  #217River Girl on March 2, 2012 at 1:19 am

    @ 211

    Emerson, perhaps it’s like building immunity, so that we can be totally open and vulnerable, whilst having the inner health to be ok, no matter what.

    We’re all here coughing up all the germs and nursing each other back to health! :))

  218.  #218River Girl on March 2, 2012 at 1:21 am

    Brenda, I feel sure you will trust again. I think it’s in your nature. (((hugs)))

  219.  #219Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 1:35 am

    Turq sorry about the disappointment you daughter went through. I think we wish we could all protect our children and give them what they want. But you know something she can take a lesson from this and apply some of this relationship stuff because this is just the beginning of her journey. Now is a good time to each her that she can take care of herself by doing something else that makes her happy rather than choosing to dwell in the disappointing thoughts. She can even learn to be happy for someone else and grateful she got the opportunity to try out. Just have to find a way to do this. I know it is not necessarily easy in the moment but it can be a positive learning experience for her.

  220.  #220Daria on March 2, 2012 at 2:06 am


    i feel so happy to see u!!!

    i want your email or a way to keep in touch! i miss you!!!

    i feel inspired by you!!!!


    how is EVERYTHING????

  221.  #221Daria on March 2, 2012 at 2:12 am

    Silver Moonbeam and Rivergirl – the 4 rules are in the book,

    Rivergirl you wrote the MANTRA

    the 4 rules are about respectign a man:

    Don’t tell a man what to do, suggest, warn, coax, beg, ask the innocent question

    Don’t try to control a man

    Don’t try to control the outcome


    i forget the 4th… but that pretty much covers it

  222.  #222Daria on March 2, 2012 at 2:20 am

    Silver Moonbeam – its about dropping the stance, and melting into softness.. and open heart…

    its about dropping right or defenses and being WITH HIM not against him – sorry that he’s upset, because we love him – while STILL honoring personal feelings

    “I’m sorry I’m talking in such a dismissive tone. I feel angry.”

    “I’m sorry you feel upset. I feel angry”

    are totally compatible

    sorry our romantic partner is feeling bad AND honoring personal feelings and putting Those first

    With him not against him. I’m angry, but not AGAINST him – even when it seems that way to my mind – im just feeling ANGRY and sharing with him… WITH him always, talking and communicating.

  223.  #223Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 2:23 am

    Don’t ask the innocent question

  224.  #224River Girl on March 2, 2012 at 2:32 am

    Ohh yeah I did! Thanks Daria 🙂

  225.  #225Butterfly Wings on March 2, 2012 at 4:00 am

    Hi everyone! I’m so tired and will go to bed soon but just wanted to share. I did end up telling TH that I felt like everybody had been invited to a huge party and I was the only one that wasn’t, and that I felt really “icky” about that.

    I didn’t go on about it and let it go, but did ask him if he could take me some day. So he’s booked me in for next month! Yay! One more thing I’ve never done before that I can cross off my list of things to do! 🙂

    He is at his house tonight and tomorrow night and I wasn’t expecting to hear from him at all, but just received a smiley via FB chat. Awww! I replied with a 😀

    I’m almost certain that’s all I will hear tonight and I feel good, so will sleep very well!

    Night all! xxx

  226.  #226Ella on March 2, 2012 at 4:41 am

    Anyone here for some quick advice?

    Yesterday MWC popped into the pub while I was working to say hi.

    He said something like ‘I will see you online later’ or he may have said ‘I will probably see you online later’

    Either way I thought I would hear from him.

    He always texts me throughout the day and evening and first thing in the morning so when I didn’t hear from him last night and he wasn’t online I began to feel anxious and worried.

    He finally text me just before lunch saying

    ‘Morning hon. Missing you. Hop you are good? xxxx’

    I didn’t know whether to even mention or not how I felt when I didn’t hear from him last night, or just to drop it… and as I had felt so bothered by it I decided I would.

    I replied

    ‘Morning MWC. Yes I am feeling ok. I missed speaking to you last night and was feeling a bit anxious that something was wrong. But other than that ok. xxx’

    He replied

    ‘Yes I fell asleep and woke up at 1am. Speak later. xxx’

    Hmmm, I feel a bit weird.

    As though I am being a needy/clingy woman and he is annoyed, although I could just be making this up.

    Opinions please Sirens??

    Also, is he ending the conversation or should I reply?

    Was thinking something upbeat about how I am feeling, like how well my class went last night…


  227.  #227Ella on March 2, 2012 at 4:45 am

    I want to stop eating bread and finding it tricky.

  228.  #228Francesca on March 2, 2012 at 4:51 am

    Ella, according to what I just read from you when you describe how he’s treating you (he’s treating you well, it seems to me), I think you are just making this up.

    I would keep my answer upbeat at this point and perhaps bring this subject up when you are in front of him?

    I find it better to talk as opposed to text.

    Texting can lead to some serious misunderstanding.

  229.  #229Francesca on March 2, 2012 at 4:54 am

    Ella, about quitting eating bread, why don’t you try doing it gradually?

    For example, don’t eat bread for one whole day and then two, then three…

    What do you think?

    But I know what you mean. I love bread so much I don’t know how I could give it up.

    How do you make a sandwich with no bread?

  230.  #230River Girl on March 2, 2012 at 4:57 am

    He doesn’t sound annoyed to me Ella. I think he is just giving you a direct answer to your question and letting you know that he doesn’t want to text right now. He doesn’t give you anything to respond to so I wouldn’t reply and leave to him to initiate the “speak later” when he’s ready.

    That’s just my take and I’ve not been following the blog much this week so I’m not sure how things have been going with you and MWC.
    Hope this helps some. I’m off to bed now, before I turn into a pumpkin!

  231.  #231Francesca on March 2, 2012 at 4:57 am

    Lizka, Rome sounds exciting!

    I’m happy for you for making that decision!

    It’s good to have long term projects!

  232.  #232Francesca on March 2, 2012 at 4:59 am

    RG, good night!

    You’re going to sleep and I just woke up! 🙂

  233.  #233Ella on March 2, 2012 at 5:00 am

    Thanks Girlies,

    Things have been going well with MWC and he has been treating me like a Queen.

    Maybe he needed a night off…

    I can be demanding 🙂

    Hmmm, I didn’t mean it to sound like a question to him I was just sharing how I felt. I was not asking me to tell me what he was doing :-/


  234.  #234Ella on March 2, 2012 at 5:02 am

    Francesca re 228

    Hmmm, yeah, I love bread too…

    Hmmm, use lettuce instead of bread… ?? Doesn’t feel quite the same somehow.


  235.  #235Francesca on March 2, 2012 at 5:05 am

    Ella, I think it’s normal to feel insecure when you first start dating someone.

    I felt that way too, especially since it all was LD.

    I didn’t see or talk to him every day.

    But I could see he really cared about me, because his actions spoke louder than his words.

    I like to think that time will help you feel more like you can trust him.

  236.  #236River Girl on March 2, 2012 at 5:05 am

    Ok, one last comment, then it really is bed time.

    Francesca, I’ve cut out grains and legumes recently and I’ve come up with my own variation of a p&j sandwich.

    I cut very thin slices off the top of large white mushroom to form little rounds. Just the white part, I stop as soon as I get to the darker parts of the mushroom.
    Spread 2 slices with almond or other nut butter. Put a couple of sliced blueberries on one half and top with the other to make a YUMMY little sandwich snack. 😀

  237.  #237Turquoise on March 2, 2012 at 5:09 am

    Silver Moonbeam & FW,

    My daughter loves photography too! I was thinking that when she’s older, she’d enjoy the yearbook club. She was happy for her friends that they did make it, and shared that with them. They were all texting for awhile, and she tried to be upbeat and say she’d try again next year, but her emotions were all over the place. She also realized that the fact that they all made it and she didn’t, meant they were better. I encouraged her that another year of gymnastics would really help if she decides to try again. I just feel sooo bad. We move to a new school, she makes some new friends, they all try out, and she’s alone, the one who doesn’t make the team.

    She has a bounce back personality, and she’ll put a positive spin on it, but I know she’ll still be upset about this for a long time.

    Middle school kids can be mean too… heck, kids in general can be mean, so she’s worried about the comments as well.

    I have to get ready for work, but will check in later. My heart feels so heavy for her. I just want to protect my kids from being hurt or disappointed, and I know I can’t do that. Which feels so helpless. I hate that.

  238.  #238Francesca on March 2, 2012 at 5:15 am

    Turquoise, your daughter sounds so sweet! 🙂

    Does she have her own camera yet?

  239.  #239Francesca on March 2, 2012 at 5:17 am

    RG, sounds interesting, I’ve never thought of making a sandwich with mushrooms.

    I might try it one day, thanks!

    I’ve made sandwiches with lettuce leaves before, though!

  240.  #240Mel on March 2, 2012 at 6:05 am

    In the soup a bit today…

    Him calling me his “friend” keeps coming up. It feels bad. I wrote to him about how I feel. That at this point, when I’m referred to as his friend, I feel a little concerned that we don’t want the same things. And that feels horrible and I feel a little silly and naive and numb… but that these feelings are reminding me what I really want in life. And I know that what I want is a real relationship, and while I’m not in any rush, I know that I would simply not be happy with a friendly arrangement in the long-term. So I’m feeling triggered by this term “friend” and it is forcing me to check in with myself.

    Anyway, he hasn’t replied yet… and while I’m feeling a little sad, I’m not feeling any anxiousness, so I know it needed to be said. And ultimately, it would be better to know now if we’re on the same page. I know what In want, and while I would like for it to be him, it doesn’t have to be him. I feel ready to get on my horse if I need to. Though if I do, I know the tears will be streaming as I ride away.

    But whatever happens it will be for the best. I need to stand up for my dreams; take care of the little girl who whispers: you are deserving of all that you want Mel… don’t settle.

  241.  #241Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 6:06 am

    Ella why is it tricky, is it because you love it so much? I love it too and have mostly stopped but when I feel like it I indulge myself. I have also started choosing wraps over bread for sandwiches. Most mornings when I would normally eat bread I use fruit instead and when I feel like eating in between I snack on nuts. For some reason my brain tells me I have to chew.

  242.  #242Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 6:17 am


    In what context he called you a friend?

  243.  #243Mel on March 2, 2012 at 6:24 am

    He is just always introducing me as “this is my friend Mel” and then last night, he said something about enjoying “hanging out with his friend Mel” and it’s just making me feel as though maybe how he views the relationship and how I view it are two different things. It’s been 6 months, so to still be referred to as his “friend” feels weird to me.

  244.  #244Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 6:26 am

    Mel the one thing I will says is that one of the foundations of a good relationship is a solid friendship. If you go on a dating site and look at most men’s profile, especially those who are looking for relationships, they state friends first. When most everything else in a relationship disintegrates a solid friendship is the one possible thing that can keep it going. So I think friendship is very important to men. Men will give up love if they had to choose between that and respect. Friends tend to respect each other. It would be great to understand his definition of friend.

  245.  #245Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 6:27 am

    Mel what do you want to be referred to as?

  246.  #246Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 6:27 am

    Mel I was introduced with a “this is my wife”? and it felt weird to me.

  247.  #247Mel on March 2, 2012 at 6:31 am

    Honestly, if he’s introducing me, just a simple “this is Mel” would feel so much better. Qualifying me with the label “friend” feels like I’m being diminished.

  248.  #248Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 6:34 am

    Yes Mel, I’d feel the same. But everything depends on his answer. It was such a smart thing to ask him. Let’s give him a chance to get back to you.

  249.  #249Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 6:35 am

    Ella as many coaches say, men are simple and men are direct. He just wanted to let you know what happened. I don’t think he was annoyed. I would if this comes up again talk to him instead of texting. That way you can pick up on inflections in his voice or changes in his demeanour. It however would be preferable if you wait until you see him to talk about it. This would be my choice because I tend to want to get into the urgency mode.

  250.  #250Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 6:37 am

    I wouldn’t be surprised if in his mind you are his “special friend” rather than “everybody’s” Mel. It might be his way (manspeak) of showing ownership and warning off any other suitors.

    I would run it by a good male confidante to see if it is part of their man code.

  251.  #251T-Girl on March 2, 2012 at 6:38 am

    Mel, the label thing is just so tricky. The terms “girlfriend” and “boyfriend” sound very high schoolish to me. I’m not sure how to introduce J either even though I know this is the man that I love and though I don’t like the word “boyfriend” it doesn’t diminish him in my eyes. I’ve heard someone else introduce their significant other as their “manfriend” and that too sounded wierd.

    When I talk about J to others when he is not there, and I say “my boyfriend”, it just sounds so ewwww to me.

  252.  #252T-Girl on March 2, 2012 at 6:41 am

    Thinking about it more, the label thing is just so hard when you aren’t married. J and I went to a Christmas party at his neighbor’s house, and everyone there assumed that we were married. Someone asked us if we had children, and he said” “oh, we aren’t married, we are just dating”.

    That felt like a stab to my heart that we “are just dating”, but I know that isn’t what he really meant. The label thing is just so hard.

  253.  #253Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 6:44 am

    I’m still feeling unsure about my situation. Was thinking to reply today;

    Thank you for the show. Have considered not to come back for the phone but I needed it. Sorry to have to wake you up. But that text in the morning felt cold. I don’t want to be talked to this way

  254.  #254Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 6:49 am

    Memulo I would drop it. It sounds like a cow ruminating and might suggest a nagging woman to him.

  255.  #255Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 6:59 am

    FW, but he texted me twice and I did not respond?

  256.  #256Mel on March 2, 2012 at 7:00 am

    Thanks ladies!

    Of course, the mice are wondering why he is not replying… I know he’s probably just otherwise occupied, or formulating a thoughtful response, but I always feel a bit vulnerable being so open about stuff. But again, I suppose as hard as it would be to find out, it’s better to know now if he sees as simply FWB.

    I doubt it though. It’s probably just an awkward label thing. I don’t like labels either. I wish I could just be “Mel.”

  257.  #257T-Girl on March 2, 2012 at 7:09 am

    Mel, if you were seen as just a FWB he wouldn’t want you moving in with him. If I remember right, you guys discussed that? Also, he wouldn’t introduce a FWB to his kids.

    Nope, I think it is definitely an awkward label situation.

  258.  #258Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 7:32 am

    Or I can text: been a busy couple of days

  259.  #259Tiffany on March 2, 2012 at 7:35 am

    I had an urge to go fish K’s earpiece out of the trash when I woke up this morning. That before I got out of bed. Then I reminded myself that that thing is just an object. And right now, it is allowing me to feel him playing stupid games with me that I don’t like. Games that are no different than what he played before. And now it involves an actual piece of him that I don’t want in my house, or in my space. I want to give it back to him, actually, and he won’t let me. It seems stupid to me. But that’s judgmental. I told him I don’t understand. And I don’t. If he doesn’t want it, that’s his business. I don’t want it, and that’s my business. It feels scary, doing a “B.i.t.c.h.” move (babe in total control of herself). But that’s what I’m doing, and I have to stay strong, or else I dilute everything I told him. “Don’t jerk me around,” and “I don’t want to play games.” I don’t. So don’t play games with me. Or play all the games that you want. This b*tch is not playing along….

  260.  #260Brenda on March 2, 2012 at 7:37 am


    RE: #214 – “I know this doesn’t help Brenda, but I’ve worked with schizophrenics in my line of work and I’ve learned that in this population imagining they have mind control over others or thinking others have mind control over them is very common. ”

    IT IS NOT IMAGINATION! IT IS DEMO)NIC! I refer you to James Stacey, who was schizophrenic for 25 years and got free. Google “Schizophrenia Defeated” or check out a 10 min video with him here:

  261.  #261Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 7:37 am

    Memulo 257 could be good but I can almost guarantee that if you don’t text, he will pick up the phone and call to see if everything is okay. I believe he must know that he did not act like a knight in the situation and might be wondering if you are feeling turned off. That to me is how we amp up the attraction factor: leaning back. Unless he specifically asked you to contact him in either of those texts.

  262.  #262Brenda on March 2, 2012 at 7:42 am


    Also, if you read about mind control, the basic technique is to create deep trauma and pain for a victim over and over, like smashing a concrete floor with a sledge hammer. The first 100 times may look like no accomplishment is being made. Then suddenly, the concrete will shatter. Ryan has created deep trauma and pain in me repeatedly, off and on, for 3 years.

    I am breaking free. It feels so gross that these entities have people so deceived that people look at me and think I’m nuts. It’s obscene. I am completely sane.

  263.  #263Tiffany on March 2, 2012 at 7:43 am

    Hm…but you know what? Under that, there are some more feelings. Vulnerable feelings. I’m feeling hurt. I’m feeling unimportant. I’m feeling disappointed, of course. I really wanted to see him for his birthday. I feel teased by him saying that I could come and see him and meet his parents. And then him withdrawing and saying that he actually wants to make plans with friends (implying that I wouldn’t be invited, if that happened). I feel sooooo hurt. So left out. Just thrown away. I feel thrown away like a piece of trash.

    So I guess throwing away the earpiece is less of a “b*tch” move for me, and more of a ritualistic clearing. By throwing away the object, I get to reject all the bad feelings that come with the situation.

    But there is anger in the action. The anger is true. The anger is real. And it comes from the pain that I am feeling – that I have been feeling since the week after New Year’s, when he told me so unkindly in an email (and not even to my face) the truth of his past, and why he couldn’t do a relationship. And it’s not that there is anything wrong with that per se. Only that he teased me into thinking that he was moving in that direction.

    I know, I know. This is a common “boy” thing, and surely there was no “intention” behind it. But I don’t need to be his friend. Because he certainly is not behaving like a friend toward me. He doesn’t call me. He doesn’t respect my time. And he can’t make a commitment even to do one small, friend-like thing. All of these are worthless to me. As is the object he left at my house. He’s got money. He can go get himself a new one………….

  264.  #264Brenda on March 2, 2012 at 7:53 am


    People tend to fear and mistrust what they don’t understand. Just because your experience and understanding has not yielded you the same understanding doesn’t mean it is not true.

    Thank you for your caring and support. I care about you, too.

  265.  #265Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 7:55 am


    Thank you. I was thinking in that direction myself, but then what if he thinks he behaved alright? And it’s my fault because I broke our agreement? do I come across as ‘difficult’?

  266.  #266Brenda on March 2, 2012 at 7:58 am


    By the way, I have emailed James Stacey off and on over the past three years, and I also read his autobiography. His conviction is that schizophrenia is rooted in rejection. He states that a conviction is far stronger than an opinion. What I just stated are my convictions, too. And I took great comfort in his experience, to know there is hope for Ryan.

  267.  #267Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 7:59 am

    “Thank you for your caring and support. I care about you, too.”

    After everything else that was said, this feels like taking someone’s hand and smashing it against the wall while telling them “I care about you too”. I feel tense and shaky just reading this. It comes across as abusive and insulting to me. I find it difficult to see the cycle repeated over and over again while I sit in silence and watch it. I feel my inner defender rising up to pick up a shield and block the blows to Emerson’s head. I hear my judgemental voice saying “how hypocritical. This no way to build friendship. I sympathize with Ryan.”.

  268.  #268Iamabutterfly on March 2, 2012 at 8:01 am

    I feel so thankful today. I feel thankful for being able to keep a wonderful guest in my home, who cleans when she’s bored!

    I feel thankful for the fresh squeezed orange juice that was left in the fridge for me.

    I feel thankful for time to make a scrapbook page for a dear friend who is moving away.

    I feel thankful for our memories.

    I feel thankful for a better understanding of men, and and I feel thankful for more opportunities to open my heart to them and share my joy with them…to share ME with them.

    I feel thankful for the cute, sweet guy who was so distracted by me at Subway yesterday!

    Thank you, Lord! God is so good, and He has blessed me with His Holy Spirit. I pray that you Sirens will know Him too, and obtain the unity talked about in John 17!

    Wonder if this comment will go into moderation.

    Oh well. It’s authentic ME!

  269.  #269Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 8:02 am

    Not difficult or maybe difficult. Definitely too much in your head and I find it very difficult to connect with men who are in their heads all the time. One tried to connect with me recently and it felt like going around in a circle trying to catch my tail. He said he was trying to be coy. He wrote that way and he spoke that way.

    Nothing you do or say can change his thinking. Trying to convince him to change his thinking will backfire.

  270.  #270Iamabutterfly on March 2, 2012 at 8:02 am

    Did I mention that I’m thankful for Rori, Dominique, and all Sirens, who are brave enough to come here and heal? Because I am!

  271.  #271Mel on March 2, 2012 at 8:03 am

    Mr. A:

    You are my girl… and in my view our relationship is not casual, but very serious. I hope this helps you feel better and more content sweet miss. I also want a real relationship, and that is what I feel we have. ; )

  272.  #272Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 8:03 am

    RE 267 Thank you for that Iamabutterfly it helped to rebalance my feelings and have me feeling more peaceful now.

  273.  #273Iamabutterfly on March 2, 2012 at 8:04 am

    @268 Feminine Woman – Did you feel like he was being inauthentic by “trying to be coy?”

  274.  #274Iamabutterfly on March 2, 2012 at 8:05 am

    @271 Feminewoman – aww, that felt so good to read! Thank YOU!

  275.  #275Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 8:06 am

    Mel he is asking you to look at the bigger picture and stop focussing on the words or events.

    If you are at a place where you want more, I believe it is time to go further inward and make even more peace with yourself around that.

  276.  #276Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 8:07 am

    RE 272 I don’t know all I know was that I felt drained and told him that. He repeated that he thought we had a good conversation and that our values around things are similar and left his number again.

  277.  #277Iamabutterfly on March 2, 2012 at 8:11 am

    @ 275 Feminewoman – Not sure why you were feeling drained, but sometimes when I feel like guys aren’t being authentic with me, it feels draining.

    Sounds like he’s interested.

    You can choose to either pick him back up when you’re feeling more centered or drop him because he’s being inauthentic and therefore not worthy of the amazing Siren you are!

  278.  #278Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 8:16 am

    RE 256 T-Girl I think you are wrong. Men move in with women,then wake up one morning and look at her to tell her that he has found his wife and sorry but he is moving on. I have a woman in my life that happened to, she has a son with the man. The marriage didn’t work and he is now trying to get her back.

    For all that Mel has said about Mr. A and how responsive he is to her I don’t believe this is the case for them. As women we tend to get into our own way when we have the real deal and I believe this is what Mel is doing here. Sorry Mel.

  279.  #279Brenda on March 2, 2012 at 8:16 am


    RE: #266 – Emerson and I have two different viewpoints, because she has experienced schizophrenia at a different level. So while I am sharply disagreeing with her perspective, that has no bearing whatsoever on how I view her as a worthy, wonderful woman. No contradiction there. Just unconditional love.

  280.  #280Brenda on March 2, 2012 at 8:17 am


    This is another case of miscommunication due to it being in written form, not spoken. If you had heard and seen me speak all of what I wrote to Emerson, you would have seen tremendous softness. I was simply explaining a horrible experience I had that, thank God, few people will ever experience.

  281.  #281Brenda on March 2, 2012 at 8:19 am


    RE: #267 – “Thank you, Lord! God is so good, and He has blessed me with His Holy Spirit. I pray that you Sirens will know Him too, and obtain the unity talked about in John 17!”

    Me too!

  282.  #282Brenda on March 2, 2012 at 8:20 am


    RE: #269 – “Did I mention that I’m thankful for Rori, Dominique, and all Sirens, who are brave enough to come here and heal? Because I am!”

    Me too! 😉

  283.  #283Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 8:21 am


    Is #268 your response to me? Thank you, it is very helpful.

    I don’t quite get how you can ‘try’ to be coy? It is a feeling, not something you make an effort to be?

  284.  #284Mel on March 2, 2012 at 8:22 am


    I am feel comfortable with his response. I don’t need to know the future… I was just feeling a little triggered by the friend reference because I do not want a casual relationship of convenience. I want a real relationship and this seemed like as good an opportunity as any to express that.

  285.  #285Emerson on March 2, 2012 at 8:26 am

    Brenda how do you know we have different viewpoints? I feel attacked and hesitant to ever comment to you about anything. I don’t want to feel that way.
    I am feeling defensive and very put off.
    I do have an education and I am intelligent and I am not so closed off that I cannot be open to other ideas. It seems you took my comment and ran with it. I said “imagine” because in the clinical setting, some schizophrenics thought they were controlling MY MIND which CLEARLY was not happening so it was INDEED IMAGINING. I never said anything was always set in stone.

  286.  #286T-Girl on March 2, 2012 at 8:26 am

    277 FW, that is a scary thought. But having been through a failed marriage, the same thing can happen in a marriage too. The only thing is that there is a piece of paper involved.

    That is why I am thankful for finding this site as it has raised my awareness of how I was at fault in my marriage as well. I learn from my mistakes and will do my darnest not to make those mistakes again. Is it a guarantee? No. Nothing is guaranteed.

    But I do see what you are saying about us getting in our own way. Yes, I saw that a bit in myself thinking that I am not worthy or good enough to be happy.

  287.  #287Emerson on March 2, 2012 at 8:28 am

    I don’t want to talk about schizophrenia anymore.

  288.  #288Starla on March 2, 2012 at 8:28 am

    Mel, how do you feel now that Mr. A wrote? He seems to care about your feelings sooo much 🙂

  289.  #289Emerson on March 2, 2012 at 8:31 am

    I don’t want to get in a war of words with anyone or debate about mental health issues.

  290.  #290Starla on March 2, 2012 at 8:41 am

    Brenda, you believe Ryan had demonic mind control over you?? Am I reading this right?

  291.  #291Silver Moonbeam on March 2, 2012 at 8:42 am

    My love of bread was one of my main reasons for giving up Atkins, I have decided to limit my carbs as low as I can, so I will just have bread now and then, same with potatoes, rice, pasta etc.

    I joined the gym yesterday and have my induction on Sunday. 🙂

  292.  #292Mel on March 2, 2012 at 8:44 am


    I feel calm and at-ease and like my feelings were honored. I actually felt MUCH better after I sent the first email. That’s how I know that it really needed to be said. My little girl said “thank-you.”

    He really does care about my feelings. I am feeling really grateful for that.

    I replied:
    “Sometimes I feel like I might be a little bit frustrating to deal with… what with all my mouse-y feelings and such…. But sometimes, when I feel strongly about something, I think it’s good to just reflect on it and check-in with myself. Because I never want to stuff down my feelings or feel weird about stuff or get all shut-down or close my heart.

    I am feeling thankful to you for listening to my rambles and honoring my feelings. The mice want a snack now after so much thought-making.”

    He replied: “I am glad we can have such open and honest conversations. I hope you and the busy little mice have a tasty snack…what should we do for dinner tonight?”


  293.  #293Laughing Goddess on March 2, 2012 at 8:45 am

    Hi Sirens!

    I’m feeling pretty good this morning. Sweetie has been out of town for almost a week now. I’ve been feeling a mix of emotions over that time.

    Even though he has been writing me every day, I still have feelings of insecurity popping up. I know it’s just my nv’s at work. I’m doing my best to not respond to their fears. Thanks nv’s for looking out for me but everything is cool, no need to worry.

    Love to me.

    We also had a big snow storm out here and I was snowed in for a few days. I felt somewhat insecure being out here by myself like that. Luckily I was well-prepared and had plenty of food and supplies.

    I want to make the best of these last four days I have on my own until he comes back. I wanna have some fun and have a really great vibe when he comes back.

  294.  #294Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 8:48 am


    When I really crave carbs I eat fruit. A big orange is very filling. And then you feel so good about how strong you are and how much in control lol. Hope this helps.

  295.  #295Starla on March 2, 2012 at 8:48 am

    LG, hi! What are you going to do with your 4 days until he gets back?

  296.  #296Britt on March 2, 2012 at 8:59 am

    I love this Rori. My partner and I have found our way to almost sensing immediately when the other has become unhappy and apologising straight away. Actually, bless him, he does it more often than me as his attention is almost always on my happiness. He’s so wonderful and our relationship is truly joyous.
    By the way, we recovered from Valentine’s Day! Just as you said, it’s many a man’s fall down (even the good ones) but I think I go loopy on V Day too. Suddenly all my old stuff about not being loved enough (or at all) seems to take over. Fortunately we managed to get through it and life is beautiful once more.

  297.  #297Emerson on March 2, 2012 at 9:02 am

    263 Brenda, perhaps re-read your comment to me. I find this comment so condescending.

  298.  #298Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 9:16 am

    Emerson I can imagine how you feel because that was how it felt to me when I read the comment too.

  299.  #299Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 9:16 am

    Hi LG. I’ve been wondering where you were.

  300.  #300Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 9:22 am

    Iamabutterfly – it didn’t even cross my mind that he was being inauthentic. All I know was that it felt tiring. Seemingly asking a lot of questions to catch me off guard. It kind of helped me to see how men might experience me when I am in my head as I tend to engage in deep discussions involving the intellect. Then I feel angry when my point is not getting across and I dig my heels in and keep going. I am finding it feels more comfortable to go inward to feel my feelings. Even though I might not have the right words to express it in the moment, I am realising that I prefer that way. It feels more natural.

  301.  #301Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 9:25 am

    Memulo I did not ask him. That was his comment and I don’t have the energy to try to make him wrong or think differently about what he said.

  302.  #302Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 9:37 am

    I feel confused. I don’t really want to reply to his texts but feel scared that not replying can be seen as being mad and will prevent him from contacting me again.

    yes, I am fully aware that I sound like an old record 😉

  303.  #303Brenda on March 2, 2012 at 9:45 am


    RE: #263 – No, it is not condescending. I do not feel condescending.

    Let me explain what I mean with an analogy: If I say “divorce”, we both may have sad thoughts of ours, and we may recall deep pain, because we have both experienced the pain of divorce. If I say “divorce to a teenager with married parents, she may just hear a sad word, but she would feel no pain, because she has never experienced it first hand. Our experiences and knowledge differ.

    Every analogy breaks down somewhere. Obviously in this case, I feel convicted that I am correct, because it is something I experienced first hand. But that doesn’t mean I condescend to you. That means I acknowledge that with clinical knowledge of having observed schizophrenics, you may not have been psychologically assaulted first hand as I was. What do you think/feel?

  304.  #304Brenda on March 2, 2012 at 9:47 am


    RE: #289 – Yes, I believe he was well on his way there, which is why I returned to him after being hurt so deeply in 2009.

  305.  #305Laughing Goddess on March 2, 2012 at 9:57 am

    Brenda: Have you discussed the mind control issue with Rori? I feel so curious about her take. I haven’t heard her address something like this before?

  306.  #306Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 9:57 am

    So go ahead then Memulo. I would caution you to let go of expectations if you do and check in with yourself to see if you are leaning forward.

  307.  #307Mel on March 2, 2012 at 9:58 am


    “As women we tend to get into our own way when we have the real deal and I believe this is what Mel is doing here. Sorry Mel.”

    Can you clarify FW? I’m not sure what you meant…

  308.  #308Laughing Goddess on March 2, 2012 at 10:00 am

    FW: Awww, it feels good to hear that you were thinking of me…gives me a sense of belonging. <3

  309.  #309Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 10:00 am

    LG pardon my sarcasm here – but who has access to anyone’s mind?

  310.  #310Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 10:02 am

    Mel – We are so afraid of intimacy and of believing that we can have big love that when it stares us in the face it seems our mind is programmed to push it away by looking for all kinds of things to convince ourselves that it is not the real deal.

  311.  #311Starla on March 2, 2012 at 10:03 am

    Brenda, I don’t want to debate or argue, but I feel worried and just wanted to share my experience. Less than a year ago I was hovering over a bottle of bleach, seriously contemplating chugging the whole d*mn thing. Things got worse from there…i can’t even go into details without scaring the sirens here, but I DID feel like maybe I was battling real demons. Maybe I was, or maybe I was just imagining it, i dunno, but I do know that if you’re at the point where you feel demons are influencing your life, you need to ramp up the psychiatric support you’re receiving in your life. I feel so scared reading you believe demons are influencing your mind in this way, especially through another person. I’m not questioning your spiritual beliefs, but this is one area where you should always tread lightly with what you perceive as true, because it could be mental illness (or other demons, if you will) playing tricks on you. However, the mind is a very powerful thing, and with the sufficient psychiatric support (and tremendous self-care) you can rid the influence from your life, whether it’s demonic or a misfiring of synapses in your brain.

    Please understand that i am NOT saying demons don’t exist and that we can’t fall victim to a cycle of nasty, negative influence and energy even. I am saying that if you feel that is what is influencing your life, you need more support than ever to keep your mind and heart from getting pulled in.

    I’m not a psychiatrist, but based off what was said about schizophrenia as a way of coping with rejection feels really meaningful here. To attribute failure with Ryan to demons is a classic schizophrenic way of coping with rejection, so I want to encourage you to be vigilant about your own mental health, not because you’re crazy, but just for good measure.

    I’m not suic*dal anymore, but knowing I did feel that way, I continue to pursue ramped up psychiatric support, just for good measure.

    I know you are already seeing a therapist. Are you completely open with them about your perceptions of how things go with Ryan, demons and all? Or do you feel unsafe to talk about that stuff with them?

  312.  #312Starla on March 2, 2012 at 10:14 am

    309 FW/Mel, I agree with this and am seeing it in my own life.

  313.  #313Mel on March 2, 2012 at 10:16 am

    Re: 309: FW

    Hmmm…. perhaps. Although I think I am getting less and less afraid of intimacy every day. In fact, the whole reason I wanted to express these feelings was because I DO believe I am deserving of the relationship I want.

    The “friend” thing has come up over and over again. Something that needed to heal. I guess I just didn’t want to get more involved with someone, who after 6 months still thought of me as just a “friend.” I mean, we’re taught to believe what men say… I wanted to be sure we were on the same page.

  314.  #314Starla on March 2, 2012 at 10:20 am

    I still introduce CF as “my friend” but if possible I like to just introduce him by name.

  315.  #315Brenda on March 2, 2012 at 10:21 am


    RE: #310 – I appreciate your very real response, and I feel understood, for the most part. Let me clarify: I am NOT saying I MYSELF have schizophrenia. No, I do NOT. I am saying I was directly attacked by the demons that Ryan has, which are the cause of schizophrenia.

    I have had close counseling and prayer support of 6 different deliverance ministers, or exorcists, if you will, off and on, over the past 3 years. I believe anyone can have demons, Christian or not. But to the best of my knowledge, I do not have any. And when I do feel attacked, I immediately take authority over them and do self-deliverance.

    I agree with you about sui(cide: I believe anyone who does that or attempts that, it IS brought about by demons. For two days after Ryan’s fake proposal, I believe my sui(cidal thoughts were brought on by demons. I kept having flashes of visions of me falling on a positioned knife. I know for a fact, actually, that that was from demons. I am not sui(cidal anymore, either, thank God!

    Yes, I am completely open with my counselors about my perceptions of what goes on with Ryan. Just to give you an idea, most recently I talked with one of my deliverance counselors at a dinner party where she and Ryan were both there (which was very rare).

    I pulled both Ryan and her aside, and I told her about one of the (many) incidents between Ryan and me, in Ryan’s hearing. She addressed it quickly and easily.

    In telling Ryan a couple of weeks ago that I needed to stay away from him for a while, based on all I was learning here from you ladies and from Rori, I think it was the absolute best move. I didn’t even foresee how it would push him out of hiding, as it were.

    He showed his true colors, and they were NOT true blue. I felt scared. My love for Ryan is very real love, I want to emphasize that. I love that man radically and unconditionally. He himself is a beautiful soul, trapped inside his own self by the demons. I just DON’T love the demons that are destroying him. I HATE them. During my texting binge, where all my feelings of love poured out, trying with all in my power to pick him out of their jaws, he just kept attacking me, hurting me psychologically. I felt implied threats, nothing direct, nothing actual.

    I just put it all together in my mind and I feel SURE that I am doing the right thing to cut off most contact until he is free. The best way I can help him now is to stay away and to continue to pray for him, which I do fervently every day and have for 3 years.

    Thanks again. I feel heard.

  316.  #316Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 10:26 am

    Mel remember we are complex. So there will always be layers to peel off and wounds to heal. I am not doubting that you believe you are deserving.

  317.  #317Iamabutterfly on March 2, 2012 at 10:30 am

    Wow, I feel good after reading this article that was on Yahoo! today. Thought I’d share it with you Sirens.

  318.  #318Mel on March 2, 2012 at 10:30 am


    In the end, that’s how I asked him to introduce me. I said… I would not want to make you feel pressured to label me in any certain way. Saying “This is Mel.” would feel good to me. No label required.

  319.  #319Brenda on March 2, 2012 at 10:30 am


    RE: #304 – “Brenda: Have you discussed the mind control issue with Rori? I feel so curious about her take. I haven’t heard her address something like this before?”

    No, not directly. I’ve gotten close to the issue with her, but it is so deep that I just can’t really get deep into it without hours of discussion, and I can’t afford that. I understand she is an extremely busy lady with hundreds of women writing to her. So I just don’t know how to explain it to her in a few paragraphs. I would love to tho!

  320.  #320Brenda on March 2, 2012 at 10:37 am


    RE: #284 – “Brenda how do you know we have different viewpoints? I feel attacked and hesitant to ever comment to you about anything. I don’t want to feel that way.
    I am feeling defensive and very put off.
    I do have an education and I am intelligent and I am not so closed off that I cannot be open to other ideas. It seems you took my comment and ran with it. I said “imagine” because in the clinical setting, some schizophrenics thought they were controlling MY MIND which CLEARLY was not happening so it was INDEED IMAGINING. I never said anything was always set in stone.”

    Emerson, I’m sorry if I misunderstood you and ran with it. Will you forgive me?

    MOST professionals I have encountered, including Ryan’s own mother, who has spoken with professionals, believe that schizophrenics are in delusion, hear voices that aren’t really there, etc. I perceived you saying the same.

    As for mind control, I have always been very strong mentally, psychologically, and spiritually. My main struggle has been emotionally. So when I felt internal structures that I feel very confident in start to shatter and feel myself questioning myself, I know something is off. He was trying to alter my reality. It was EXTREMELY painful psychologically and emotionally. And that is why I’ve been all over the blog for the last 2 years. I only wish I had come on the blog 3 years ago, when I started listening to Rori’s programs.

    Emerson, I do not look down on you in any way. I enjoy your presence on the blog, and I feel sure you are someone I would really enjoy knowing. Again, I am sorry if I came across in any negative way to you.

    It is probably more of a reflection of my feeling so alienated in this thing with Ryan. It is so deep and so complex that I have pretty much concluded for the most part, God is the only one who completely understands all that I have experienced.

  321.  #321Brenda on March 2, 2012 at 10:38 am


    Thank you!

  322.  #322Brenda on March 2, 2012 at 10:41 am


    RE: #304 – I do know that in Rori’s belief system, she does not believe in the existence of demons.

    But I would love to discuss mind control with her.

  323.  #323lk on March 2, 2012 at 10:41 am

    good morning! i feel happy & excited : )

  324.  #324Brenda on March 2, 2012 at 10:55 am


    What’s going on?

  325.  #325lk on March 2, 2012 at 11:04 am

    Brenda, i’m going watch a movie tonight & make a pot pie for dinner & have the fire going & draw & really indulge my passionate imagination………….. it just sounds so peaceful & pleasant : )

  326.  #326Iamabutterfly on March 2, 2012 at 11:07 am

    @319 Brenda – One of my favorite aspects of God is His intimate understanding of us, and His knowing and being with us, even before we know He is there.

    Even when we “have the relationship we want,” no relationship can ever replace the One we have with God. (and he tells us about the unity we have together in John 17!)

    Feels exciting, humbling, powerful, and wonderful to me…

  327.  #327Brenda on March 2, 2012 at 11:19 am


    Sounds wonderful and cozy!


    I totally agree! I am in love with God!

  328.  #328Iamabutterfly on March 2, 2012 at 11:29 am

    @324 – lk – that feels sooooo wonderful! Can I come? 🙂

  329.  #329Brenda on March 2, 2012 at 11:42 am

    Where is your game, buddy?? I just opened this ad…

    Title: I am…

    so lonely, and feel so miserable

    Life stinks


  330.  #330Iamabutterfly on March 2, 2012 at 11:50 am

    @328 Brenda – Wow, I feel proud of you. I feel like this really shows growth on your part. If you weren’t in a good place, you might be tempted to commiserate with this man. However, you ARE in a good place, and choosing to move on from this negativity feels huge to me for you!

    This guy may not necessarily be a “bad” guy, he may just be a guy in a bad mood, but choosing to “pass” on negativity shows major growth on your part, I do believe. Bravo!

  331.  #331Brenda on March 2, 2012 at 11:53 am

    LOL, thanks. I don’t think it really took much to pass up on it tho. I would have passed up on it 5 or 10 years ago, too. Come on, there’s competition out there! If you want a date, at least try!

  332.  #332Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 11:53 am

    I keep on remembering Starla’s gem lol: when in doubt, lean back. So far did not write anything and it feels ok

  333.  #333Francesca on March 2, 2012 at 11:57 am

    I feel happy that EC always introduces me by name when we meet someone he knows.

    I wouldn’t like being introduced as “this is my girlfriend” (“ma blonde” in French).

  334.  #334Radiant Rising on March 2, 2012 at 11:57 am

    Hi sirens!

    I am beaming with so much excitement I just have to share! Yesterday I had lunch with a yoga teacher who is also a ph.d in clinical psychology and a researcher at Stanford and is developing a restorative yoga program to heal traumas including in children and teenagers from the inner city. He has a yoga studio in Palo Alto and offered, once I meet his business partner to discuss rent, for me to share the space with him so I can offer my reiki and theta healing service there! Next week I will be certified in second degree reiki and the week after it will be basic DNA theta healing…I can’t believe this! I can’t wait to tell my teach! I have a theta session with him this afternoon. Little me? A real healer? 🙂 I am so happy! And I feel so happy I re-connected with Goodheart! Talking with her has given me such joy these past few days. (((Hugs))) Goodheart and all of you sirens! 🙂

  335.  #335Francesca on March 2, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    Woohoo, Radiant! 🙂

  336.  #336Radiant Rising on March 2, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    Thank you, Francesca! 🙂

  337.  #337Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    Radiant Rising congrats. I believe we are all healers. We just have to embrace the power with some know how.

  338.  #338Radiant Rising on March 2, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    Well said FW, thank you!

  339.  #339Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    Some interesting info:-
    The Shocking Drink That Eats Your Bones
    And What You Should Drink Instead
    Dear ,

    Television commercials and advice from your doctor lead you to believe the secret to strong, healthy bones is drinking milk and taking drugs.

    But that’s a huge misconception and a big lie, believes our good friend Vivian Goldschmidt, MA, founder of Save Our Bones — the world’s largest natural osteoporosis community.

    Sure your bones need calcium, but if you consume large quantities of milk, you’re actually draining your bones of this much needed mineral.

    Here’s why milk is a brutal bone thief

    Milk has an acidifying effect on your body.

    Let me explain. Everything you put into your body gets processed and consequently alters its acid/alkaline balance. And like everything in nature, the body tries to correct any imbalance. So because milk has an acidifying effect, your body automatically pulls calcium out of your bones to neutralize the acid attack.

    Why calcium?

    Because it is a potent neutralizer. That’s why the main ingredient in some antacids is calcium.

    Think of milk entering the body like a raging forest fire and your body’s natural processes is the team of brave firefighters. So your body jumps into action and uses calcium to put out the acidic attack. And even though milk contains 300 mg of calcium in one cup, unfortunately, the net result is a calcium deficit in your bones.

    Makes you wonder about those “milk does a body good” ads, doesn’t it?

    Or why doctors recommend you drink milk to build strong bones and prevent osteoporosis.

    So what should you drink instead?

    Vivian recommends drinking almond or rice milk as a delicious alternative to milk. And unsweetened fermented or cultured dairy products such as yogurt, kefir, and sour cream are okay to enjoy.

    This is just some of shocking information in Vivian Goldschmidt’s Save Our Bones Program.

    In her program, Vivian proves that your bone health is in your hands, and if you give them what you need and stop consuming bone-thieving foods and drinks you can have the bones you had when you were younger — without the help of your doctor and of drugs.

    Since 2007, her program has helped over 200,000 people who sufferer with osteoporosis and osteopenia to naturally increase their bone density without pills, pain, or cost.

  340.  #340Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    From Rori’s email

    “And this is where the HEALING happens.

    By staying put on the floor, I was paying attention to ME.

    By not jumping up and all of a sudden making him the focus of my life, I was focusing on MYSELF and what felt good to ME at the moment, which was sitting and watching my daughter.

    (And by the way, you may have done these kinds of things before – pulling away, not doing what you may have done for him before, but out of ANGER and RESENTMENT. And this is different. I’ll talk about anger in another eLetter, and how you can use it to help yourself instead of hurt yourself, but for now, I’ll just say that staying put and focusing on yourself is expressing Love for YOURSELF, instead of Anger toward HIM.

    And the key to the whole thing working is that as soon as my man DID come over and sit beside me – I SMILED.

    I was warm, I welcomed him.

    If I had been angry or resentful, he likely would have felt it and not come over and sat down at all, or he would have gotten up quickly, or turned his full attention to our daughter instead of to me.

    If I’d been UNWELCOMING, I might have gotten totally involved in playing with our daughter and hardly even LOOKED at him.

    I might have deliberately, or unconsciously SHUT HIM OUT.

    I would have been cold.

    I was so uncomfortable just sitting there, and so prepared for coldness from HIM, it was an amazing thing that I was able to be OPEN to him in that moment.

    But, I was.

    And that made all the difference.

    And when I felt it happen, the CONNECTION, I felt less afraid to do the same things again.

    I was braver.

    I was able to STOP moving toward HIM, and instead, be OPEN and WELCOMING when HE moved toward ME.

    And that’s how I healed my relationship.

    Practically overnight.

    And now you can do it, too.”

  341.  #341Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    Hi, it’s Jonathon. This tip is good combined with last
    week’s tip. They are different but very powerful together…

    Understand Men Tip #20

    The law of attraction says you attract energy that is in alignment with your own.

    If you feel desperate to find a man, you will find a desperate man and the relationship will be doomed from the start.

    Johnathan Aslay

  342.  #342Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    FW #340,

    Was just reading that an hour ago 😉 😉

  343.  #343LoveAlways on March 2, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    Leaning way way back.

    Today I am in the mood . . .
    and I almost text CD song saying

    “I want to see you, it would feel lovely to be in your arms tonight.”

    But I know he may have plans because he called me three times already today. So texting him would have been manipulative (control – because he would not deny me).

    QUESTION: how should a siren appropriately let a man (not a fwb or boy-toy) know she wants some loving?

  344.  #344Goodheart on March 2, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    Awww, Radiant, that has me beaming 🙂

    So very nice to reconnect with you also – you have a wonderful vibe. I know you will do amazing in this endeavor!

  345.  #345Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 12:38 pm


    I guess by being patient and giving back till she is in his arms-)

  346.  #346Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    #345: till =once, sorry

  347.  #347LoveAlways on March 2, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    # 271

    “You are my girl… and in my view our relationship is not casual, but very serious. I hope this helps you feel better and more content sweet miss. I also want a real relationship, and that is what I feel we have. ; )

    Ohhhhh my! How very sweet!!!

  348.  #348LoveAlways on March 2, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    Hi Memulo!

    This siren is a tiger in disguise – not enough patience to contain her LOL. As you can see, leaning back is still a very new concept to me in some areas 😉

    But so far so good . . . I did not text, call or email – I’m just leaning back doing some siren-y stuff for myself

    [picture a tiger pacing in a cage]

  349.  #349Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 12:52 pm


    Not in a cage! Running free in the woods-)

  350.  #350LoveAlways on March 2, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    Congrats Radiant!!!

  351.  #351LoveAlways on March 2, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    LOL then I would run upon him, taunt him and then devour him!!! Cannot tame the wild beast LOL!!!

    But then again, he’d probably outrun me, and then chase me, and then we’d be two happy playful (big) cats!!! 🙂

  352.  #352Radiant Rising on March 2, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    Thank you, Goodheart. More (((Hugs))) 🙂

    Thanks, LoveAlways! 🙂

  353.  #353Iamabutterfly on March 2, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    @339 Feminine Woman – Thank you so much for this! I’ll go eat my broccoli instead, thank you very much…:)

  354.  #354Francesca on March 2, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    I hate my NVs.

    I love my NVs.

    I will give them a few cookies and tell them to go play in the traffic.


  355.  #355Iamabutterfly on March 2, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    @354 Francesca – hahahahahahha! oh, that made me laugh!

  356.  #356Butterfly Wings on March 2, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    Good morning sirens! TH continued to chat with me last night, but I fell asleep! Ooops!

    So that was nice that he was thinking about me.

    But no time to think about him today. I am dropping my eldest off, taking my dog to get her hair cut, picking up my Mum, taking my baby to swimming lessons, going back to my parent’s house so my baby can open her birthday presents (my parents have been away so haven’t had the chance to give her a birthday present), then back home, do some washing, pick up my eldest (she’s going shopping with friends), mow the lawn, and then probably collapse! 😉

    Yup I will do whatever it takes to NOT think of that man today! Let’s see how strong I can be! 😀

  357.  #357Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    Ok I did it, I texted him. He called the same second and left a VM: Hi it’s me. I’m busy the whole weekend, with apartments and stuff. But I can talk to you. Hope I can talk to you soon. Take care’

    doesn’t feel good at all!!!!

  358.  #358Starla on March 2, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    I feel devastated…i just looked online at my chinese grades and i got 25/28 on the last exam WTF

    i feel terrible.

  359.  #359Francesca on March 2, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    Wow, BW, I’m exhausted just reading that! :/

  360.  #360Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    Starla is it 25 out of 28?

  361.  #361Iamabutterfly on March 2, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    @357 Memulo – Why doesn’t it feel good? He’s repeating of the phrase “talk to you” and “talk to you soon” feel considerate. He may very well be busy, but he wants you to know that you are imporant to him, is what my gut is telling me…

  362.  #362Francesca on March 2, 2012 at 1:43 pm

    Starla, 25/28 is excellent, isn’t it?

    What grade were you expecting to get?

  363.  #363Starla on March 2, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    Memulo, are you CDing now? This is one of the many reasons Rori encourages circular dating

  364.  #364Francesca on March 2, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    I notice that worrying about other sirens’ “issues” is keeping me from thinking too much about my own.

  365.  #365Starla on March 2, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    yes 25 out of 28 questions.

    I was expecting 28/28

  366.  #366Francesca on March 2, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    But you didn’t fail the test, right?

    So it’s all good!

    Congrats! 🙂

  367.  #367Iamabutterfly on March 2, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    @ 364 Francesca – That feels very sweet of you to care about the issues of other sirens, but is it really necessary to “worry?” just feeling curious. you may not have meant that as seriously as I’m taking it.

    My mom tends to “worry” about other people’s problems to an unhealthy extent, while neglecting herself…that’s why I’m asking…

  368.  #368Starla on March 2, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    omg FAIL? I’ve never failed a test in my life

  369.  #369siren song on March 2, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    Cding is amazing! The past week I’ve gone on two dates (all paid for by them), been called like crazy. I have another cd tonight for a fancy event I want to attend but can’t afford…bam, out of nowhere a guy got me a ticket.

    I feel so fulfilled! Yay

  370.  #370Butterfly Wings on March 2, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    Starla, try not to beat yourself up. You obviously have extremely high standards which is a good thing, but you’re also allowed to cut yourself some slack for falling a teeny bit short sometimes. (((Hugs)))

  371.  #371Butterfly Wings on March 2, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    Yay Siren Song!! xx

  372.  #372Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 1:56 pm


    Thank you. yes, you are right. So now it’s time to lean back seriously.


    Not CD’ing.. Feeling uneasy about it.

  373.  #373Starla on March 2, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    LOL BW I’m a monster about my grades NOMNOMNOM WANT TO EAT A+’s

  374.  #374Butterfly Wings on March 2, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    Memulo, then why not try joining a meetup group or something? Keep yourself busy with other activities so you’re not thinking about him?

    That’s what I’m doing because dating in the romantic sense just doesn’t feel good to me at all – it feels like I’m cheating. But if I’m socialising with groups of people (some of whom happen to be men), then so be it. 🙂

  375.  #375siren song on March 2, 2012 at 2:02 pm


  376.  #376Butterfly Wings on March 2, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    Haha Starla. I figured you were a bit like that! 😉

    Enjoy eating whatever it is you got, cos there are more A+’s coming for sure!

  377.  #377Francesca on March 2, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    iamabutterfly re 367

    Perhaps “worrying” is not the right word.

    Perhaps I should’ve said “focusing on different issues than mine”.

    And have no fear, I’m not forgetting about myself! 🙂

    Thanks for caring!

  378.  #378Butterfly Wings on March 2, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    Every single Friday, for as long as I can remember, a guy has invited me (as part of a group of people) to meet for breakfast the next day. EVERY Friday!

    And every Friday, I say no. And it’s always a different reason! lol

    He is a former client of mine, he’s 13 or so years older than me, and a very big man! He is so not my type, and it’s kind of become a joke between us about how many excuses I can come up with! lol

    Nice that I get invites though, even though I never accept!

  379.  #379Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 2:07 pm


    Thank you. It looks as though he called before he saw my text, because he only responded to it now.

    I have a couple of people asking me out, texting..

  380.  #380Radiant Rising on March 2, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    Starla, congratulations you did well! If you won’t pat yourself on the back, then I will. 🙂

  381.  #381Starla on March 2, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    Thank you for the nice encouragement BW:)

  382.  #382lk on March 2, 2012 at 2:10 pm


    occom’s razor: grades don’t measure brains

  383.  #383Francesca on March 2, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    It’s just that as soon as I finally sat down to relax a bit, NVs crept up on me.

    I know it’s silly, but since I didn’t hear from EC since I sent my text yesterday (he doesn’t text ever, doesn’t know how), I’m afraid he might think that I’m being difficult and is having second thoughts about me.

    But these are definitely just my NVs talking, I know it’s not the case at all.

    I wish I would just hear his voice now though.

  384.  #384lk on March 2, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    oh, oops – occOm’s POND; occAm’s RAZOR

  385.  #385Francesca on March 2, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    I should eat something.

  386.  #386Butterfly Wings on March 2, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    I personally know a LOT of very very successful people (aka multi millionaires), and I don’t think any of them did all that great in school!

    So you just never know! I think success is all about being passionate about what you’re doing. With passion, and by offering something of value, you will succeed. 🙂

  387.  #387Francesca on March 2, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    What’s that, lk?

  388.  #388Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    Memulo it would be good if you could accept some invitations. It could help stop the obsessing.

  389.  #389lk on March 2, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    @Francesca, occom pond is a place on my college campus; occam’s razor is what i meant to say to starla : )

  390.  #390Starla on March 2, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    I’m in the business of mastering languages; my grades totally matter 😀

    Also pending admission to grad school where my grades totally matter.

    but, to corroborate your assertion, i have a successful 5 yr career in statistical research, but had to drop stats class TWICE cuz it felt too difficult to complete successfully.

  391.  #391Starla on March 2, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    daaaaaaaaaang lk went to fancy school place

  392.  #392Silver Moonbeam on March 2, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    37 year old male to 58 year old female today…….sigh……….

    Hi, I’m going to be open, honest and blunt from the outset. I’m seriously into and
    attracted to woman a bit older than me.
    I am looking for someone for an ongoing, easy going, sexual relationship. Not just a
    once off, someone to meet up with regularly for drinks and plenty of passionate sex,
    which hopefully turn into more.
    Would something like that interest you??? Hope to hear from you soon..xxxxxxx

  393.  #393Francesca on March 2, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    lk, just googled (occam’s razor) and now I’m feeling light-headed…

  394.  #394Starla on March 2, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    I went to Metro. We have numerous ponds ourselves:)!!!! In every pot hole on Colfax when it rains!

  395.  #395Silver Moonbeam on March 2, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    Not very RR answer from me, but ya know…………how much more like these do I have to get? Mirroring? I REALLY do not get this……………..REALLY….my reply?

    I believe this is a dating site if I am not mistaken, I am sure there are plenty of sex sites out there or you could even pay for a prostitute…………

  396.  #396Butterfly Wings on March 2, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    Oh ICK SMB! I wonder how many women out there would respond favourably to that?

    Someone who doesn’t want something “real” and just wants sex? Someone who doesn’t think they deserve something “real” so will accept just sex???

    I’m sadly thinking the latter for the most part….

  397.  #397Butterfly Wings on March 2, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    395 SMB – LOVE your reply! 😀

  398.  #398Francesca on March 2, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    SM, I recall reading something similar here.

    Another siren posted the same words, if I’m not mistaken…

    I think this guy is desperate.

  399.  #399Butterfly Wings on March 2, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    TH has contacted me. Not in a loving, caring sense, but to nag me about the state of my yard and to suggest I do some writing, pointing me to some dress sites as inspiration to make more money! lol

    Yep he has not changed one little bit!


  400.  #400Daria on March 2, 2012 at 2:45 pm

    SMB – for me it shows up so that I can practice responding with FM’s and without making him wrong…

    if I make this guy wrong when we’re triggered, then I’ll make my romantic partners wrong… when I’m triggered

    i noticed it’s a similiar “energy feeling” and i get so angry and also judgmentall that it’s inconceivable that he DARE adress me with such a proposal

    i find that the more i soften up and say how i feel – sad not to be seen, angry, or ewwww icky – or else do the walk away and not respond… the better results i have after that with other men, as my vibe remains open

    if i tell him to suck it, i get more ‘drama’ later from other men

  401.  #401Francesca on March 2, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    Daria, you got the guts to say “suck it” to a man?

  402.  #402Daria on March 2, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    Brenda – have you tried doing EFT with Ryan?

  403.  #403Silver Moonbeam on March 2, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    I feel like friggin’ crying sometimes, there are LOADS of young ‘uns out there looking for “fun” and LOADS of old codgers looking for a “young” woman like me………..where are all the decent men of my own age group?

    Does it have to be this bloody hard?

    I HATE HATE HATE this dating site thing where I feel like a piece of meat on a butcher’s slab, it doesn’t feel one bit exciting, it feels bloody depressing and just too hard to even bother.

    I may just resign myself to the fact that I will be on my own for evermore and that’s it………get on with it, who cares?

    If this is all a MIRROR and some past crap I have to work on of my own and what is holding me back then WTF is it?

    I HONESTLY just don’t get it……………….

  404.  #404Daria on March 2, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    I am currently dating 2 skitzophrenics (that present differently).

    One was inspired watching me do EFT (wihtout me even knowing he’s inspired) next time i saw him he was that much calmer… and he had looked up EFT and was doing it on his own…

    The other one I did EFT around, he didn’t really seem that interested. I didn’t know how to inspire him about it – I got triggered with my issues about ppl not being interested in what i ahve to offer as healing, etc.

    The first one has only sometimes when he starts channeling energy, jumping up yelling and talking out loud.

    The second one is more skitz a bit to me, he is paranoic and thinks he’s being followed watched and sometimes even that i am a gov agent. It would feel so good to feel confident that I could heal people or inpsire them to heal themselves.

  405.  #405Daria on March 2, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    Silver Moonbeam – i wonder why you feel like a piece of meat? That sounds like something to shift/heal right there…

    I usually feel like a DIVA on stage being watched while I give my amazzing and glorious singing performance in the spotlight.

  406.  #406Daria on March 2, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    maybe rewriting your profile will give different results – more men in the age group you’ve selected for yourself? different pictures?

  407.  #407Daria on March 2, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    Ella – i feel put off… and shaky…

    i don’t feel good when a man says he will call me and i’m expecting that and then i feel disappointed

    i don’t want to feel that way

    and now i feel brushed off and unimportant

    personally. cuz ive had men who dont cal when they say and it starts happening regularly and i incrementally get more and more turned off or just distanced

  408.  #408Daria on March 2, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    He can text you first thing and APOLOGIZE for not calling when he said he would

    i wouldn;t let this slide and pretend like i’m not feeling unimportant or put off

  409.  #409Daria on March 2, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    i wouldn’t WANT to let this slide.

    ive let it slide many times, even last nite.. babystepping to NOT

  410.  #410Daria on March 2, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    Memulo – i would not text anything and just wait for him to call me

  411.  #411Daria on March 2, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    and if i did text something i would text simply “im feeling a lil angry”

  412.  #412Lizka on March 2, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    Hmmm my vibe is not as high as it was yesterday…

    It’s not completely down, I’m surviving but I’m feeling a little bit lonely…

    I couldn’t help myself to think today that ATW probably poofed for good… No news at all for all week… Ok…

    I, again, have no plans for the weekend. No frieds have call me except the girl from Florida who invited me to yoga tomorrow.

    I so want to go out and drink and dance and flirt, but no one ever invites me to clubbing, 1. because my girl friends are all in relationships and just spend all their time with their boyfriends, and 2nd because my friends who go out never invite me to the parties… So I stay home alone.

    Please don’t tell me time alone is cool. I love time alone. But I have way too much ME time lately. I am spending my Friday, Saturday and Sunday night alone at home… I don’t understand… 🙁

    So I feel a bit lonely and nostalgic from the good old time when I was getting tones of invites and was always out shaking my b*tt on a dance floor…

    I wonder what happened since then, what has change and make the invitation stop coming in? 🙁

    And now, obviously, feeling lonely makes me feel sad that ATW has poofed for goods…

  413.  #413Lizka on March 2, 2012 at 3:30 pm

    And also, today, I leaned forward a little on Dicaprio. I just sent a cute message saying hi in Russian.

    He was very opened and said that he is now helping his new roommate to move in but when he’s done he’s gonna invite me to smoke some shisha… I send that feels exciting and he answered I also have to help him to run. So it seems he is interested to see me again…

    I should feel excited but of course, since I am the one who leaned forward, I don’t really feel satisfied. I’m leaning way back now and we’ll see if he really comes with an official invitation…


  414.  #414LoveAlways on March 2, 2012 at 3:33 pm


    You are not alone. You are a gorgeous siren who can out and socialize if you feel like it and you have us here on Siren Island. You are just experiencing NVs somewhere creeping up on you. Swat them like flies honey!! Sometime when I’m coming down from a wonderful mood I re-read my posts.

  415.  #415Brenda on March 2, 2012 at 3:33 pm


    RE: #402 – No, I haven’t. I am on no contact now, and so I won’t be. But when we were seeing each other, he was never into doing anything structured, nothing. Just out to the bar, out to the diner, to church, or sitting at home talking. I would suggest a game, drawing, etc, and he was never into anything at all.

  416.  #416LoveAlways on March 2, 2012 at 3:34 pm

    I’m making some good siren food. It feels good to take care of myself – I’ve been neglecting me for a minute now.

  417.  #417Lizka on March 2, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    But… LoveAlways… I can not just go to a club and dance all alone… it feels too… weird…

  418.  #418Daria on March 2, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    FW – “LG pardon my sarcasm here – but who has access to anyone’s mind?”

    i felt disturbed reading this…

    i saw this as making fun of and putting down Brenda’s religious beliefs

  419.  #419Brenda on March 2, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    Silver Moonbeam,

    RE: #403 – I relate. It is a challenge. I encourage myself by looking at people like Jonathon Aslay. He is in his 40s, and he met a really nice woman. Are you on his facebook? He inspires me that good relationships ARE possible at our age.

    The way I see it is all I need is ONE. So I do my best to hang on to hope that my one man will step up.

  420.  #420LoveAlways on March 2, 2012 at 3:52 pm


    I understand, but you can use your boy energy to invite a friend to go out dancing

  421.  #421Lizka on March 2, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    None of my friends would go clubbing. They’re too busy with their boyfriends or just don’t like clubbing. My life just really sucks. I can only count on me and me can not go clubbing alone. 🙁

  422.  #422Starla on March 2, 2012 at 3:58 pm

    Wow Lizka, be careful of the story you’re telling yourself, “my life really sucks.”

    Do you want that to be true?

  423.  #423Lizka on March 2, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    No 🙁

  424.  #424Lizka on March 2, 2012 at 4:03 pm

    But weekends after weekends, the only person to call me and to come see me is my mom… I want to go out 🙁

  425.  #425LoveAlways on March 2, 2012 at 4:08 pm

    I went out to a concert by myself once. Maybe go to a dance studio and meet up with other folks who like to dance. My girlfriend’s ex did that and the folks at the studio became his friends and they go out regularly.

  426.  #426LoveAlways on March 2, 2012 at 4:11 pm


    I also think the difference between you and your friends is that dancing seems to be one of your passions in life. They may have just been doing it to socialize and now have drifted off to something else. Yes, this sounds like one of your passions in life my dear siren, what do you think?

  427.  #427Lizka on March 2, 2012 at 4:13 pm

    No it’s not a passion. I actually don’t want to “dance”. I just want to go clubbing.

  428.  #428Brenda on March 2, 2012 at 4:23 pm


    RE: #404 – I feel really interested in what you posted there. Ryan is most definitely interested in that sort of thing, and I did send him a bunch of MP3s of EFT a few months ago, which he never mentioned.

    I just read this saying on a CL personals ad:

    “Don’t fear the enemy that attacks you,
    But the fake friend who hugs you.”

    I got chills, thinking about Ryan. ”

    Darkness is most powerful when it pretends to be good.”

    I feel happy I am going out tonight with a couple of girlfriends. Whew, I need this.

  429.  #429Daria on March 2, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    Brenda – I don’t believe in evil and that feels really comforting to me. It also protects me from demons.

    I highly recommend that belief to anyone.

    It makes me spiritually really powerful. Now I do sometimes get scared when that belief gets questioned by thoughts and circumstances

    ultimately though i know i will be ok if i just keep on choosing that belief

    and embracing all beings. even demons. they are just beings in pain and acting out of pain too. cuz they feel disconnected from love.

    I have healed some not so scary ones by showing them the light inside themselves and assuring them that they can breathe in the light. and also that they have a friend “with eyes nor red nor black” in the light.

    I have a pamphlet on how to do it. It’s easy.

    I usually don’t work with ‘entity removal’ though… it feels easier sometimes to work and heal with the perception of “energy” etc

    diff ways of looking at things… as entities, or energies

    same with my own body. i am an entity, im also energy. a nd scientifically (yet another way of looking at it) im tissue and fluid

  430.  #430Tiffany on March 2, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    Emerson – Thank you!!

    I know it’s late in the day, but I felt so great when I opened my email to read back posts this afternoon, and first up was yours to me. 🙂

    I’m so happy you felt inspired!

    I had some momentary self-doubt this morning, but I’ve stayed strong. It feels great to know that my words and actions were not totally random. And I think you’re right. I don’t care what he does. But he did send me an email. So he was thinking about me. I haven’t read it yet, but I will soon. And who knows if it will even be worth responding too….

    Siren Goddess not taking crumbs! Yay!

  431.  #431Tiffany on March 2, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    Ooh, Lizka – Rome is super “Rome-antic.” I am not even kidding. You are going to meet you some hot Roman CD/Adonises, I’m sure!!

    And I am all for traveling solo (although I’d travel with you, if I could;) That’s the way to do it.



  432.  #432Daria on March 2, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    Lizka – it took me a year to build up the courage to go to a club/bar by myself.

    I felt inspired by a gf of mine who regularly did.

    it felt AMAZING when i did. The first time, I texted Starla the whole time i was walking up, because i felt so insecure.

    once i got in there, i had /MORE fun and got more attention than when i went with friends.

    I still haven’t done it regularly. feeling scared again. and kinda whiny… noooooo i dont want to take the bus and feel cold coming back.

    maybe i can reserve myself some cab fare for the return, so i dont have to walk back an hour…


    i can PLAN it out ahead of time… for monday!!! YES

    woo hoo ifeel excited.

    im taking mysef out clubbing on monday

  433.  #433Tiffany on March 2, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    Also, Lizka, I have the same problem, sometimes. A lot of my friends are married or in relationships, or just don’t like clubbing. I don’t like to club or party all the time. But once in a while, I just want someone to go out with. There are only a few parties that I’ll go to alone…

    So I definitely feel your frustration. There should be a meetup site for people who want to find clubbing friends to go out with 🙂 (not for dating, of course)


  434.  #434Daria on March 2, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    Lizka – something that helps a lil to tone down the weirdness is pretending im traveling… or rememebering times when i travel

    you are going to travel alone too

    when i travel, i feel so oepn and free to go to places by myself, and i DONT feel wierd at ALL!!

    so i would like to bring that perception to going out in my local area too

  435.  #435Daria on March 2, 2012 at 4:42 pm

    I feel embarassed to call some of my girlfriends i havent seen in awhile to go out, cuz i feel unworthy not having cash to pay for my lunch and stuff

    and i also feel like i have nothing to offer them

    and vulnerable unworthy asking them to pick me up

    i picked people up and paid for people all the time when i was driving and interested in having money. i felt poewrful then like a man.

  436.  #436Daria on March 2, 2012 at 4:48 pm

    woo hoo nice… 2 1/2 pages of messages to respond to on my fave dating site!


    feeling hungry!

  437.  #437Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 4:48 pm

    Ok, I was swimming laps back and forth, back and forth and it occurred to me that my situation is not ok at all. He is withdrawing and I don’t know how serious it is and for how long, but it is happening. He calls me to say he is busy the whole weekend? Looking at apartments? and stuff? He doesn’t want to see me? He doesn’t want me to fall asleep in his arms on Sat night? Seriously? But ‘he can talk to me’. He even ‘hopes to talk to me soon’. That’s nice. And then he says ‘take care’. I’ve been downgraded ladies-) Is it because I showed the signs of emotional attachment? I don’t know. What I do know is that I already responded to a text flirt from one CD and I am going to call another CD – the one who is waiting for my call since Monday.

  438.  #438Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    Daria #432

    EXACTLY. I would go clubbing or anywhere else for that matter if I feel like it. If I don’t feel comfortable, I leave. If someone hits on me I say i am not interested. It’s really not that complicated.

  439.  #439Lizka on March 2, 2012 at 4:53 pm

    Yes Daria you are right… I think if I am travelling to Rome, I won’t be feeling weird going to a club alone. I’ll feel like a tourist and like I am observing…

    But here, in my city, where I can meet people I know… I don’t know, I just can’t imagine it… I think I would just feel even more lonely with all these people partying with their friends… 🙁

    I could go to some small bars or lounge by myself… but not clubs… I just can’t…

    I feel so lonely and can’t stop crying 🙁 watching the hotels for Rome helps me though…

  440.  #440Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 4:56 pm


    How about meet up groups?

  441.  #441Lizka on March 2, 2012 at 5:00 pm

    In my ideal life, I would have at least 5 closed girl friends who would be cool, like shopping, drink martinis, wear sex and the city kind of dresses, can dance all night, appreciate good house/techno DJs… And on Friday afternoon, I would receive 1 or 2 or 3 invitation to go clubbing with them or other friends at club X, Y or Z. And I would just decide where I feel like going…

    In my real life, I have 2 or 3 girl friends who almost never call me, barely texts every second week, don’t like to drink, don’t like house/techno music, all have boyfriends or if they are single they think I’m too wild for them when I flirt and they have no cool clothes to go out anyway…

  442.  #442Lizka on March 2, 2012 at 5:02 pm

    Memulo, there is no clubbing groups on Meetup dot com. Only stamps collectors and jewish singles.

    “Sorry, no matches found for “vodka” near Montreal, QC, Canada” lol 😉

  443.  #443Starla on March 2, 2012 at 5:02 pm


  444.  #444Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 5:08 pm

    Lizka, I did not mean clubbing meet up lol. Maybe dancing meet up? Where you can learn a new dance? Does it have to be vodka?

  445.  #445Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    Ok Sirens any practical advice on how to stay interesting to a guy even after he slept with you? I really don’t know where it went wrong with my guy. unless I shouldn’t have trusted from start.

  446.  #446Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 5:14 pm

    And the worst part is that I feel turned off myself. I feel whatever

  447.  #447Lizka on March 2, 2012 at 5:14 pm

    It’s not absolutely “dancing” that I want to do. I want to go clubbing, drink fancy martinis, wear sexy dresses and hear amazing DJs…

    It was a joke about the vodka meet up group…

  448.  #448Starla on March 2, 2012 at 5:14 pm

    Lizka, I wonder if you’re focused more on achieving a certain desired image with your friendships, rather than the FEELING of true friendship. This could be what’s blocking you in your vibe from bonding with and attracting friends right now.

  449.  #449Starla on March 2, 2012 at 5:17 pm

    Memulo, h@ve you $een Modern $iren? The @dvice i$ @we$ome @nd work$ gre@t — le@n b@ck, circul@r d@te until you h@ve commitment, keep the focu$ on your$elf.

    $ry @bout my biz@rre keybord

  450.  #450T-Girl on March 2, 2012 at 5:19 pm

    Lizka, is there a general singles meetup group in your area? The singles meetup group in my area has over 3000 members and there is something going on practically every weekend night with an attendance of usually >150 people.

  451.  #451Dominique on March 2, 2012 at 5:19 pm

    Daria – oh my yes, yes, yes…

    “demons. they are just beings in pain and acting out of pain too. cuz they feel disconnected from love.”


  452.  #452Lizka on March 2, 2012 at 5:21 pm

    Starla you might be right even though when I think of it very deeply, I don’t feel like that. When I talked about “dresses” it’s just that it GOES with the clubbing…

    Anyway, I think I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I feel misunderstood and a little bit tired to justify. It’s not about you, maybe I just can’t explain it properly. But it’s the same thing with my friends. I tell them I feel lonely and that no one calls me and they just argue… It just makes me feel worst…

    Thank you anyway to you sirens who tried to help me with that tonight… 🙂 I still feel supported even if I feel misunderstood…

  453.  #453Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    Starla, thanks, I have the Modern Siren. I’m going to CD from now on, yes! Still wondering what went wrong with SmartCD who was so excited to see me, got (expensive) tickets to the show I wanted to see and now seems to just drug me along.. no date on the weekend doesn’t feel right.

  454.  #454Lizka on March 2, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    And now again, my mom called me and invited herself over for dinner tomorrow. I said yes, I have nothing else to do of course…

    But it feels awful to spend all my Saturdays night with my mom because no one else invites me… I love her a lot, but I’d like to have normal Saturday nights just like any girls my age…

  455.  #455Lizka on March 2, 2012 at 5:31 pm

    I am feeling awful.

    And now the urgency of calling ATW came back. No I don’t want to call him. Anyway I have nothing to tell him. I just want to have someone to talk to. 🙁

  456.  #456Lizka on March 2, 2012 at 5:36 pm

    I told two of my girl friends tonight how lonely I am feeling and that I would like to receive invitations from my friends sometimes instead of always have to lean forward on them…

    They BOTH went defensive and said it’s my fault, or that my friends are just too busy or whatever…

    Couldn’t just be real friends and say they feel for me and would invite me sometimes…

    I feel even more lonely…

  457.  #457Starla on March 2, 2012 at 5:39 pm

    Memulo, wh@t$ h@ppening with $m@rt cd i$ @ctu@lly pretty norm@l…modern $iren h@$ info on th@t too. don’t worry memulo:)

    Lizk@, i’m $o $orry you’re feeling b@d.

  458.  #458Lizka on March 2, 2012 at 5:40 pm

    I just can’t stop crying and my heart hurts 🙁

    Also… I feel a little ashamed to come here a little too often and just complain 🙁 I’m sorry sirens…

  459.  #459Butterfly wings on March 2, 2012 at 5:47 pm

    (((Lizka))) how I wished you lived nearby! We could paint the town red!! 😉

  460.  #460Lizka on March 2, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    “paint the town red” ?? Funny expression! What can does that mean?

  461.  #461Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    Starla, do you mean that Modern Siren recommends leaning back and CDing in my case? Or is thee anything else. My CD player stopped working:)

  462.  #462Silver-Tongued Siren on March 2, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    Thanks to Daria, FW and Turquoise and Butterfly Wings who responded to me last thread.

    I am still here but have been surrounded by people and haven’t had time to write.

    Although it wouldn’t solve anything, I NEED A VACATION! It would feel nice to relax, even though what I really want is resolve.

    I am over here making all kinds of mistakes, or something, whatever is happening I can only learn from it.

    (turquoise, you are RIGHT, he will not anytime soon change his thinking about money – your experience with YOUR husband sounds the same as mine – when I am not working, he wants EVERYthing else done perfectly – the house, the kids, dinner on the table, PLUS me to look for work still and make money somehow. I am willing to make some compromise for the man I love. I want it to feel fair to him too, and even though I think he has some healing to do around money, in a relationship sometimes it’s your job to live with your partner the way they are and help them go through it, or heal when they’re ready.

    I could insist on not paying for anything, but I love him more than I love not paying for anything, and I could insist that he do so or it’s a dealbreaker, but it’s not.

    I want to feel fair giving a little here and there just like he is willing to do for me at times.

  463.  #463Sun Goddess on March 2, 2012 at 6:08 pm

    Aww, Lizka, I know exactly how you feel!

  464.  #464Starbright on March 2, 2012 at 6:11 pm

    Lizka, I haven’t read through everything here but was just reading how you don’t feel that great hanging out with your mom on Saturday nights. Have you thought about suggesting different day/times to do things with her so that she can feel good spending time with you and you can feel better that it isn’t on a saturday night? I’m thinking how good it may feel doing a brunch or lunch or even a trip for a manicure/pedicure earlier in the day or on a weeknight so your “date” nights feel open.

    I’ve been doing more of this with my mom and it makes me feel happier too because I do love my mom and want to spend time with her. And, I don’t want to have a negative vibe with her because I feel like I ought to be doing other things with my own life than hanging out with my mom!

  465.  #465Butterfly wings on March 2, 2012 at 6:11 pm

    460 Lizka – it means we could go out and party and have a fabulous time! 🙂

  466.  #466Sun Goddess on March 2, 2012 at 6:15 pm

    LiliBee, I took your advice from last night and changed my thinking about people caring about me and it really did work people do care. My sister invited me and the kids to go to the movies and dinner…..and then LP called and was talking about how wonderful we used to be and that he really missed it and us.

  467.  #467Starbright on March 2, 2012 at 6:16 pm

    And, Lizka, you could start your own meetup group for woman to go clubbing together. That could be fun!

  468.  #468Lizka on March 2, 2012 at 6:24 pm

    Oh Starbright this is a wonderful idea (about scheduling time outside from Saturday night with my mom). But she’s not ALWAYS here on Saturday night, she just invited herself over with food for 2 weeks in a row. I can’t really say no…

  469.  #469Lizka on March 2, 2012 at 6:28 pm

    I just want my life to be like before. Even two months ago life seems easier… I have to find out what has changed…

  470.  #470Starla on March 2, 2012 at 6:34 pm

    Memulo th@t’$ on Modern $iren…it’$ the core of it. Modern $iren bre@k$ it @ll down for you. :):)

  471.  #471Starbright on March 2, 2012 at 6:41 pm

    Actually you can say no if you want to. But, I understand that it can be hard to. And, if you’ve been talking to your mom about not having anything to do…(I don’t know if you have or not) but then it could be harder to say no. Anyhow, was just thinking about how the other time it came across that you were ready for her to leave…so, if it makes you feel bad on a saturday night it could be better to make plans on a different day.

    Anyhow, I hope you enjoy! If your mom is cooking that can feel really great to let her do that for you!

  472.  #472Silver-Tongued Siren on March 2, 2012 at 6:45 pm

    Two difficult points yesterday:

    Earlier in the day, he called to let me know we had three renters for three days, making x amount of money. I said that’s great, then said.. well.. he said do you have a problem with that? i said well sort of, maybe, I just was hoping we’d make more – i mean these three renters are all in separate rooms – so we haven’t fully utilized the space. he got angry at me because he felt I was not happy about it (did I dampen his excitement?) …
    I explained that i just felt like we could do better than that (we have a friend doing the renting for us and handling paperwork) – and I felt like I wanted to do better than that for him, to get what he needed and wanted (i explained how he is about money to you girls) – I said I felt like if I had accepted these renters, he would have asked me why I didn’t find a better situation fully utilizing the space and making the maximum amount of money? … he asked me a question at some point – and then (often this happens) as I answer it, he seems to get confused about what we were talking about – I try to remind him – he is worked up – I say just wait and calm down, he says he won’t, hangs up.

    I call back – he is angry, closed, “why do you do this? stop calling, etc, just give me time to cool down, I’ll call you back later.” … I say nothing, hang up. Thirty minutes later he calls back, “I want to start with an apology.. it was wrong of me to say things to you like that it’s all your fault that we haven’t rented yet, etc (because I didn’t take him up on renting the place out at first thought of it – waited a week or two). Anyway big apologies from him, and I explained I just wanted to do the best I could, he said maybe that’s what holds me back here is having to have everything perfect (………..he’s the one so concerned about money…….)… and that i should be open to what we can make. I agreed YES this is good, these three people will make at least one months rent, and we can get more people.. I apologized for dampening his enthusiasm and excitement.
    …we came out of that one alright I think.

    He came by later to do some work here, and something else came out that he’d been keeping from me. And there is more but he hasn’t told me yet.

  473.  #473Silver-Tongued Siren on March 2, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    Suffice to say for now, I got all blamey with MILW after something he did that upset me. I tried NOT to be blamey, but it sounded that way to him, as he explained that it sounded as though I wanted him to change something he was doing, when I meant to just demonstrate how I *imagine* things look when someone cares how I feel. And that I need to be honest with him and share my feelings –

    (i could NOT share them, but that would leave him wondering why I did something.. perhaps I should go this way though and wait til he asks WHY I did that?? then tell him my feelings…hmmmm!)

    All the rlsp talk never goes well with us, and he did end up feeling closed and left overwhelmed – midway i did explain that all the words I’d said earlier were just thoughts happening in my head, that I really hadn’t processed it yet and I didn’t know how I felt – and talking helps me figure it out – so sort of disregard my words as I was just processing but don’t know how I feel yet. –

    We talked a bit more, But we did manage to keep a loving connection through it!!! – and when he left i almost cried, I looked so downhearted. And this is the first time we’ve had a very strong/upsetting discussion “fight” in WEEKS!!!

    TWO VERY IMPORTANT BREAKTHROUGHS – we’ve gone weeks with pretty good communication, and we kept a loving connection and stayed open until he wanted to stop.

    I felt so sad when he closed the door – but then had an aha! – went out to the car as he drove away, and he said he didn’t want us to leave like that, I said neither do I – that’s why I came out because I looked so sad when you left. You are right – we just need to not talk about it for a bit – and it’s okay. — I don’t recall what else I said but I left him with a lighter energy and a smile. He said thanks for telling him that, or something, I said ok bye – and started to easily walk off and he caught my hand and pulled me down for a long, warm hug and a kiss.

  474.  #474Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 6:51 pm

    Lizka I am wondering if there is a group in your area for marathon runners? Maybe you could ask around at gyms to see if they know of people who run or who are athletes. I also wonder if you could google something about that in your area. That seem to be a group that you might fit into well. As a matter of fact I would encourage you to look for one to date. That seem to me like it would be a match for you.

  475.  #475Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 6:56 pm

    STS “so sort of disregard my words as I was just processing but don’t know how I feel yet.”

    Are you saying you told him to disregard your words? If so I would encourage you not to. If anything tell him you just want to talk and all you require of him is that he listens because it will help you. Also no need for him to take it personal or do anything about it, if possible. Tell him it is not your intention to make him feel helpless but just that you need to talk it out because it has been on your heart for a while. Then if he listens thank him and say something like “phew, now I feel light as a feather”. Or something along these lines that resonate with you. I have started to experiment with this and mostly what I have found is that it helps the guy to relax a bit.

  476.  #476Silver-Tongued Siren on March 2, 2012 at 6:58 pm

    What I learned: I now realize IF HE IS EXCITED ABOUT IT, even if I thought he wanted better, BE HAPPY and don’t worry about it anymore! 😀

    Also, I think it’s a big deal that we BOTH apologized to each other. I’ve often felt the “stance” Starla describes, feeling as though validating his feelings invalidates mine. I realize now this is not the case.

    And we kept a loving connection VERY well and have not had an interaction that has been like this in a few weeks – I think we’ve done well.

    And so far everything else I’ve learned this week is the same. MAKE HIM RIGHT, MAKE HIM RIGHT.

    And you know what, he’s not inspired right now for me, and being unhappy about it wasn’t getting me anything. I have tried to be happy and accept him and let him go and (in fact he’s told me sooo many times “just let me be free and you can have me”… ?!?!……) —

    If I’m already not at this moment getting everything I want, and not liking it’s not going to make it better, I don’t have anything to lose!

    I have to just accept it and go on with what I’m doing – which is what I’ve been doing

    – BUT I wonder HOW HAPPY can I be about what he’s doing? How much can I accept? Where ARE my boundaries? If I just accept everything, will I eventually get what I want (by not putting my energy forth to what I don’t want by saying “no”?).

    He says himself he feels if I gave him more of what he wants, I would get more of what I want, and vice versa, if either of us could just give a little. Or that if I let him be free, I can have him… it’s true he seems like if I just let him be, he is happier and is more inspired to be with ME. How weird is that?

    What is this hunger for acceptance he has, or is it fear of being controlled, or .. what is it?

    or is this the same thing all men want – not to be chased? – is my WANTING something chasing him, leaning forward? maybe so. Is my wanting to feel safe FROM HIM and get all his attention leaning forward? Maybe it is. Leaning back does seem to fix it, but how far do I have to lean back, how much do I have to let go, how much do i have to accept? And how much am I willing to accept? I seem to want to understand this, as though we all just want to be loved and this is all just a misunderstanding, or healing needed, or ..? ..

    What would our relationship look like if I viewed any woman he finds passing interest in as someone who LOVES my family, who is HELPING my relationship, who has the best intentions for my relationship? Would he then expect that and require it of them? Would he feel inspired by my lack of resistence, by my acceptance, and find his love and devotion and loyalty renewed? What would our relationship look like if I believed these things, – and is it possible for that to work even if these women DON’T have the best intentions for our relationship? Just because I am actually bonding he and I by my acceptance? … if that’s the case.

    As Byron Katie says, “what would it look like if you didn’t hold that thought, who would you be?” or something similar.

    These are all just thoughts flowing through my mind, an ocean of thoughts and feelings. I’m not sure those are healthy things to do, but I think they’re healthy questions to ask myself.

  477.  #477Femininewoman on March 2, 2012 at 7:03 pm

    Lizka I believe your mom is trying to do the best she knows how to be a mom. She might be trying to help you get rid of the loneliness. I am wondering if you could consider telling her you appreciate her effort but that you want next week to be with yourself. At least she would know ahead of time and you get to practice speaking up for yourself.

  478.  #478Lizka on March 2, 2012 at 7:14 pm

    Thank you FW. For the runners club, yes there are some in my city. I should go there but it’s not where I’m gonna find people to party. 🙂 It’s not exactly the crowd I want to hang out with. But yes, I could definitely find some friends and maybe even a date. I think I should considere that… the only thing is that there is not a lot of people my age running. It’s usually people in their late 30s or in the 40s.

    About my mom, yes I’m sure she tries to do the best for me and probably noticed I was lonely and she’s trying to help. She usually comes on the Saturday afternoon as she goes see her parents who lives in my area in the morning. For tomorrow, she said she would come after my yoga class and help me with my grocery shopping. That was fine with me. Than she asked if I have something planned for dinner. I said no because I actually don’t and didn’t want to “pretend”. So she said she would bring something. I said ok. I’m happy she’s gonna be here but sometimes when I’m not in a great mood, I’m not always nice with her and I don’t want to hurt her again like I did last week. That felt really bad and I felt regretful for many days after that…

  479.  #479Daria on March 2, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    Lizka – i thought i would feel terribly lonely too. But i didn’t. I felt the opposite.

    Not saying its easy to get my mindset to go by myself… or that you have to do that…

    Just that for me, it felt AMAZING being there and NOT feeling lonely at all, instead the opposite. I felt like I had the fun I wanted and more. I felt like a STAR.

    People even told me they thought I was one of the performing celebrities.

  480.  #480Daria on March 2, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    I also encouraged VW to go out by herself and I know she has and Really enjoyed it. I think even does so regularly now.

    It felt so empowering for me to realize I CAN take myself out.

    Now I want to get back in that mood again… I have also been feling self conscious thinking of it…

    I’m ready for Monday though. I will do it and I will get myself a cab home from the bus stop.

  481.  #481Daria on March 2, 2012 at 7:19 pm

    i just walked away from my dad’s put downs (which didn’t really Hit me, just got me feeling a bit sad) early

    and i said i dont like being talked to that way

    next time I will also APOLOGIZE for upsetting him, and walk away faster.

  482.  #482Daria on March 2, 2012 at 7:25 pm

    Lizka – it feels sooo interesting and curious to me to read about yoru feelings on this

    I feel like im in the SAME B/OAT!

    I pine and pine for friends to go out and look cool with

    i dont know if its the image, feels tense. i wantto embrace it

    i WANT this

    it feels SOOOO AMAZING to me to go out and be seen in a cool flashy way

    I am babystepping to loving it (i was judging me before)

    aslo shifting mseyfl around this and allowing feelings to come up

    ive noticed it may have soemthing to do with old stuff iwht myparents

    my experience is as stuff heals, what I want starts showing up more and more

    I feel excited about my new decision to go clubbing by myself on Monday, it feels BIG and like my life will change from it!

    I will be meeting people and feeling powerful and free /AND get that AMAZING feeling.


    I would love to have 2 or 3 cars deep of friends to swoop me, and I get the impression that once I start doing it for me, alone, they will show up

  483.  #483Daria on March 2, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    STS – its not about loving him or loving not paying for anything

    its about loving him AND having the relationship you desire

    men transform . even on a dime. without our discussing it with them.

    WE put OUR desires first. this inspires them to fulfill them.

    if we don’t, they won’t fulfill them. AND they won’t feel inspired to love us either

    Its up to us to provide the scafffolding for the relationship by our desires. It seems you’re not providing that for this man by not putting yourself and your needs first.

  484.  #484Daria on March 2, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    You require nothing in this department, so you get that… nothing.

    You require something, and you will get it.

    You will still love him. But now he will also love you and feel inspired to please you and be in a relationshp with you.

    Because you will be showing the strength and vision of the relationship in the scaffolding you have created with your requirements of how you want to be treated.

  485.  #485Lizka on March 2, 2012 at 7:33 pm


    “People even told me they thought I was one of the performing celebrities.”

    Wow you must have feel so sexy and important 🙂

    Ok I definitely feel inspired by you!

    I think I could try it… I could start to slowly get out of my comfort zone in the “going out” area…

    I could start by going to the restaurant alone (this I’m not afraid of at all), than maybe to a supperclub, than maybe a bar/pub, than to a lounge and than to a club? Hmmm that feels interesting.

    I could do one every week… or one every two weeks when I get my pay check… Yay I love making plans like that.

    Thank you Daria for inspiring me! 🙂

  486.  #486LiliBee on March 2, 2012 at 7:33 pm

    I treated myself to a 1 hour massage tonight.
    My body feels so relaxed and light.
    It’s not too costly, the medical insurance covers it, so why go without! 🙂

    I felt pleasantly surprised when the massage therapist told me that my muscles only felt a tiny bit tense, that there was no major tension anywhere.
    Wow, I’ve come a long way since being diagnosed with fybromyalgia 10 years ago!

    I used to be so tense and uptight all the time.

    Hooray for healing! It’s so encouraging. 🙂

  487.  #487Daria on March 2, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    STS – just drop all that logistics stuff … omgosh… 🙁

    feels so sad

    to me it looks like you’re consistently sabotaging yourself this past few months.

    Id feel better for you to handle the logistics. I don’t want to be in charge of this

    HIm: attack blah blah WHAT how dare you blah blah you dont do enough blahb blah

    Woman: ouoch that feels terrible. I? dont want to be spoken to that way.

    Man: what ??? attack blah blah

    Woman: this feels bad. Im feeling upset and angry and I dont want to be talked to that way, I’m going to go now.. itd feel good to talk when it feels better. Hangs up.

    Rinse and repeat several times.

    Then men will step up.

  488.  #488Daria on March 2, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    Lizka – wow /I inspired you! I got chills!

    You are inspiring ME!!

    I started small by going to an event on a weekday, was too scared of the big weekends. Turned out that event was more Cool and Showy than the weekend ones.

    PS – I FELT TERRIFIED and was texting STarla who’s in a different state… the whole time walking in and being in there, until men started talking to me.

    Then i no longer felt terrified. It also was not drinking that relaxed me because i didn’t drink anything.

  489.  #489Daria on March 2, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    Yay LiliBEE!!

  490.  #490Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 7:44 pm

    Actually I was thinking – maybe SmartCD sounded a little distant and said he hopes to talk to me soon because I disappeared? Maybe no need to play a little victim lol

  491.  #491Sun Goddess on March 2, 2012 at 7:47 pm

    I think CdAN has lost interest in me. Oh well…I will continue to lean back and see what happens.

  492.  #492Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 7:58 pm


    I just thought that perhaps museums have some meet ups around history lectures/studies?

  493.  #493Lena on March 2, 2012 at 7:58 pm

    Hi, everyone…

    I feel sad and abandoned today… Very much shut down.

    We had such a good time with A this Wednesday and the next day it was silence whole day. I txted in the eveining (couldnt bear this silence) and received the answer that he was sleeping whole day… It all feel strange… Yday I decided to not contact him if he doesnt. In the evening I received a txt re how was my day… I dont know – it doesnt feel right… It feels like I am not connecting to him or he doesnt want to that much… I like attention, etc but it feels like he wont be available on that level. 3 weeks – he still doesnt call. He txts me that he misses me but its on and off. I told him that I miss him too, that it makes me happy to be with him. He answered that he is happy too but than vanished again… I dont know how to react at all to all this… In my previous relationship we were always together or at least in constant communication. This one is smth new to me and I feel confused and abandoned. I dont even know anymore what to reply to him if he will contact me or if I should see him again. I mean – it goes ok while we are together – he holds my hand, etc. But its like different after.

    I feel like I did smth wrong – talked too much or gave too much or I dont know what is this all about – what bug sits inside. I just feel wrong and like he wont grow to really love me. That I cant be this feminine, confident, etc woman that man adore… If I would – I would ve been married by now… And happy.

  494.  #494Daria on March 2, 2012 at 7:58 pm

    I feel like writing about this.. channeling hurricane 🙂

    The first man I fell in love with was skitzophrenic

    I think its a gift in certain peoples , cuz his eyes look much like current guy – ill call him MeccaCD he’s coming now – , and also the other neighbor man has indicated he comes from a tribe that is similar to the tribe of mecca cd’s dad

    AND i can kinda see how it might have to do with rejection also

    ok so the truth is, first man I fell in love with taught me or gifted me how to “see”. He kenw about female and male energy 0 i didnt.

    he told me I have twins – gemini – and my boy is beating up on my girl (omg was he!!) and that he also has a earring.

    And i used to masculien enregy fight with that guy.

    AND I started being open to mysticism from my expreinecs with him.


    one time he went craxy and tried to suffocate me AND I SAW A HUGE DRAGON RAGING AT ME ! I saw the dragon all in my face and stuff

    I also saw other visons and stuff like a lil gnome that was my buddy and angels warring and stuff

    but the DRAGON thing, that FELT CRAZY!! that was the first thing i ever saw maybe

    then i also saw other sides of him like a baby him and a blue coat him and also his tribal ancestors and … a strong man him.

    I did not expect to see the dragon, nor was i thinking about dragons or had he mentioned anything about that.

    Anyway yeah just letting my ‘hurricane’ give me info. It feels like a wind streaming visions and undrestanding into my mind.

  495.  #495Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 8:01 pm

    Does anyone think it’s a good idea to text him that I feel disappointed not to see him this weekend because I am not sure if I am available next weekend? The latter is true. I am busy starting Wed and on Tue he has his boy.

  496.  #496Daria on March 2, 2012 at 8:01 pm

    Memulo – yeah my guess is he likes you and wants to talk to you soon… and he’s too busy to see you

    still feels a lil disappointing…

    CDing will help indeed

  497.  #497Lena on March 2, 2012 at 8:05 pm

    I want to be loved and to love so much. I am so tired to be alone. I want just to be happy and taken care of with A or with the right man I guess…

  498.  #498Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 8:06 pm


    Thank you. Does it mean I should return his call? I did text him something short about my stuff and he responded.

  499.  #499Silver-Tongued Siren on March 2, 2012 at 8:07 pm

    and then i had a really ridiculous chat with BF

    — he messaged me “Miss you two. hope you have a good weekend. (after not responding when i said i couldn’t make it, two days ago).

    I decided to experiment, and make an effort to make him feel important as he’s been feeling unimportant it seems – so i said i may be able to make it down this wknd if I can bring some work along.

    then, i say i was surprised that he hoped I’d offer to come down, (after he said his car was still not fixed..) and that i’ve been feeling a little insignificant lately.

    I explained why, and he said “i’ve been feeling insignificant too. I ask why, and while he mentions a couple of my points which he has “reasons” for, he goes on about him for the rest of the conversation…

    and then says it seems like he’s fu(ked if he can’t make it down here, and that i don’t care, and i never offer to come down without him asking and everytime i EVER come visit in his familys town he’s had to ask multiple times (????) and that everytime he asks me to visit i “always have an excuse” … (I told him last time – lol -i’ll come visit when my bills are paid – lol – as I’ve mentioned I’m always here worrying about money … it’s hard to work having baby who is not ok with being away from me easily, AND without money for a sitter anyway!)

    i said that felt bad to hear, pointed out i do care and if i didn’t why would i make effort to be able to come down this wknd ANYway,

    he didn’t answer that, instead he then complained that I didn’t tell him EARLIER, I waited til 3pm TODAY, and he asked me HOW many days ago??? (Two).

    he said nevermind, he’ll just make it this way when he can, next weekend, etc..

    i said ok. i was sad. i was excited to see him. i do care, etc. he said he had to work, talk later. i said ok.


  500.  #500Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 8:07 pm


    Are you CD’ing?

  501.  #501LiliBee on March 2, 2012 at 8:07 pm

    D called this afternoon to ask if I was feeling better with my cold.
    I said “Awww, it feels so comforting to me when someone checks up on me to see if I’m OK. I feel cared for.”

    I still went out cd’ing today.

    W cd is like my mirror. Very strong boundaries and values. Kinda feels cold though.
    I thought it would feel ‘safe’ that soemone had such strict values as I have.
    His last date told him his strong values were “scary”.
    I felt stiff and cold myself.
    Oh my, is that how men feel with me when I talk about my strict values ?
    Hmmm, getting to know what it’s like being with me.

    I like to “preach” that I respect that everyone has their own path to follow.
    But I’m hearing someone else stating their boundaries and values in the same way I do, and it feels judgemental and harsh.

    If I described my boundaries in FMs instead of judgy, that would definitely feel warmer.

    Cd’ing is definitely a learning gold mine when I pay attention to my feelings. 🙂

    I felt a bit disappointed and a little rejection that the cds I met in nightclubs never called or that the cds online poof after the 1st wink.
    But those n feelings don’t last very long. coz they get overwhelmed with feeling content that things are moving so slow.
    Things moving so slow gives me time to feel and sink into those feelings, wonder about them and get fascinated by what I learn from them.

    whhooooooww 🙂

  502.  #502Daria on March 2, 2012 at 8:09 pm

    Memulo – personally i wouldn’t say any logistics

    I – with my own man – would write:

    “awww i feel disappointed to hear I won’t see you 🙁 “

  503.  #503Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 8:13 pm

    Daria, thank you, I was not going to write anything, so you think that I should?

  504.  #504Memulo on March 2, 2012 at 8:15 pm


    Feeling curious – what are these ‘strong values’ that your CD expressed?

  505.  #505Daria on March 2, 2012 at 8:17 pm

    If you’ve already been in contact thru texting after that voicemail then there’s no need to return a call

  506.  #506Daria on March 2, 2012 at 8:21 pm

    Memulo – i don’t know… i might also not mention it… that’s another option

    how are you feeling after these last texts with him? what did the texts say?

  507.  #507Silver-Tongued Siren on March 2, 2012 at 8:22 pm

    Thanks Daria and FW!

    I did not exactly tell him to “disregard” my words, I just felt very unclear and as though I wasn’t sure yet how I felt, and was saying a lot of “stuff” that wasn’t helping. I wanted to start over. But you’re so right- I will be sure to always be sure I communicate that my words have value. I like your suggestion to let him know all I need is for him to listen, and then appreciate him for it! Yes. Thank you!!!!

    Daria, ..hmmm.. but not all women feel it’s necessary to not pay for anything. It would be nice, to not work unless I want to ..but I’m not sure I feel it’s that big of a deal for me as long as I can do it the WAY I want. Which is, from home/not just anything, but the work I CHOOSE, and have it be flexible and still be able to be with the kids.

    but the logistics stuff, – a lot of things I’m in charge of are things that go along with my “job” the work I do for him, as “exchange” for him paying the rent and bills. BUT, this time I actually wasn’t in charge- he hired someone else to do the renting, and he only called to let me know what happened, and I was a little disappointed that we wouldn’t make more money with it, especially since that is usually his mindset. And he was disappointed that I wasn’t more excited.

    Yes I feel like I’m both making a lot of progress AND not being as successful as I’d like, in different areas.. but live and learn. i’m experimenting and am growing at a fast pace, that feels great.

    I feel sort of defensive but I love all the help and suggestions, the more I talk to you all, the more these things pop up in my mind when I need them!!!

    On the phone, i started out “wow that feels terrible” but wow, it really hurt, I started to cry.. and explain why it hurt.. and he just got confused and upset and lost it/closed down – when he kept on yes *I* should have said “that feels bad, i don’t want to be talked to like that, lets talk later”…

    I feel like I’m getting the hang of this. I noticed in other conversation that I start off well and start using FM and then… get defensive, defend myself, and get attacked more! …yup… more FM, more remembering to STOP the conversation if attacking continues and it doesn’t feel good.

    I feel good that I’ve identified what is happening here..

  508.  #508Lena on March 2, 2012 at 8:30 pm

    Hi, Silver Tongued Siren.

    This kinda reminds me of my situation a bit. Sort of like miscommunication or smth?…

    Hope you will feel better soon.

  509.  #509Lizka on March 2, 2012 at 8:31 pm

    Daria OMG I feel sooooo inspired by this idea of going clubbing alone!!

    And I love my plan of starting small and going bigger and bigger every second week. That’s how psychologists do with patients who have phobia, no?

    So I think I will start even smaller than a dinner at the restaurant, I will start by a coffee and will start as early as Sunday! I will dress all pretty, bring a book and go get a fancy coffee but not at Starbuck. I will find a very nice café in another area than where I live. I will be open and smile to all the men I meet there and if no one talks to me I will just enjoy my coffee and my book.

    And I could then next week go lunch, and dinner, and have a drink, and a dinner in a supperclub, and then a drink in a real bar/pub, and then go happy hour, and then try a lounge, and then a real club but I could start at this bar where my girl friend works and then…. to a real club all by myself…….. OMG that feels exciting!!

    And if I feel scared, I will just texts the sirens on Siren Island! I have this wonderful resource!

    And I don’t have to tell my friends and collegues that I am going out alone (I think that’s what I am the most afraid of, that people thinks I have no friend so I have to go alone). I can do it JUST FOR ME!!!

    Oh Thank you Daria I feel so excited and so inspired now that I completely forgot to cry and feel lonely and sad.

    THANK YOU!!!


  510.  #510Daria on March 2, 2012 at 8:32 pm

    STS – don’t do the exchange. you don’t HAVE to not contribute financially. but you CAN

    being harassed about not contributing feels AWFUL and it’s NOT ROMANTIC AND NOT THE WAY TO WOO AND WIN A WOMAN

    you want to be wooed and won.

    instead you’re seeing yourself as obligated and unworthy.

    change your perception.

    when i read your convos, i can see sooooo many tweaks and places where you overfunction, explain (a form of control), don’t put yourself first, tolerate bad behavior

    if i was you, i would be VIGILANT about feeling messages and odn’t wants. that’s what i did to get msyelf strated iwth Rori’s stuff. I was silent most of the time on my dates, a lot. a lot lot lot lot lot of silence, and the rest feeling messages .

    If you really stick with the feeling messages and don’t wants, you will make HUGE HUGE progress here. HUGE . Because both of these men want you, and they’re so ready for you to own your power.

  511.  #511Daria on March 2, 2012 at 8:34 pm