Love Advice – Boundaries And Walls With Men

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  1.  #1Ella on July 28, 2011 at 7:04 am

    1st one!! 🙂



  2.  #2DE on July 28, 2011 at 8:02 am

    Yay, almost made it 🙂 lol



  3.  #3Patricia on July 28, 2011 at 8:03 am

    congrats Ella!

    This video was beautiful….what a lovely understanding of boundaries and walls….so much clearer! and easier to remember…… This was helpful thank you Rori!



  4.  #4DE on July 28, 2011 at 8:03 am

    Happy Birthday Lercomari!!!! Best wishes of love and happiness Dahling!!!!

    Warm hugs,



  5.  #5DE on July 28, 2011 at 8:12 am

    Rori,

    Gosh, I love the presentation of differences between boundaries and walls…it makes so much more sense…

    In the past…the walls I created for myself and called them “boundaries”…were because I had not boundaries within…the walls were/are (still at times) a cover up for my insecurities, fears, etc…these have to be healed first to create the healthy boundaries, right?

    Thank you 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  6.  #6Mochaberri on July 28, 2011 at 9:38 am

    This video is so informative!! Thanks Rori!!!



  7.  #7Senior Lady Vibe on July 28, 2011 at 9:39 am

    Hello world, I am thankful for my local public library.

    Video! Going to watch it now.

    xoxo



  8.  #8Plum on July 28, 2011 at 9:40 am

    Patricia

    I owe you an answer, sorry about the delay. I can’t seem to be able to write about taming lately. Dunno why.
    In the mean while, I thought I might point this old thing to you.
    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/communication/when-hes-mad-at-you-is-he-just-mad-at-himself/#comment-126650

    xxx



  9.  #9Lost on July 28, 2011 at 9:52 am

    Ok, so was it boundary or wall?

    I gave my general story a few days ago. Met a guy. Went on a date. He kept in touch over the next week by text everyday and chatty, but never suggested seeing each other. This made me feel turned off. Went out on Sat, saw him at a club with another woman, which felt icky. He texted me the next day, and I told him I thought we should not pursue it. Double down on the man who is not acting like he is into me. He tried to sort out why, and I told him I saw him out and that the communication had not been that great, so best to leave it.

    Into me for me is defined as wanting to see me, and nothing else (have just realized this is the only metric that really matters). And I don’t want a man who I feel is out in clubs meeting as many women as he can.

    So, was I premature in cutting it off? Part of me feels like I was and another part feels like this man was only going to be casual at best, and that is not what I am looking for.

    It makes me feel sad, and like I was prickly because I was not willing to have a conversation with him. I did not want a conversation that goes into me telling him that he did not want to see me, I really feel like interested men show you they want to see you again, not by lengthy text conversations about nothing.

    Thoughts?



  10.  #10Senior Lady Vibe on July 28, 2011 at 9:53 am

    @1: Ella says:
    “…1st one!! ..”

    😀

    xoxo



  11.  #11Lost on July 28, 2011 at 9:55 am

    Oh and not see me everyday – once a week as we are getting to know each other seems reasonable.



  12.  #12Femininewoman on July 28, 2011 at 10:07 am

    Hi Lost,

    You are essentially strangers to each other. He was living his life before he met you and so he will continue living it the way he chooses to now. l can’t imagine that within a week after meeting you he would change anything about his routine. Don’t you think that is too early? Would you shut down your options after a week with a man?



  13.  #13Camille on July 28, 2011 at 10:56 am

    This video is just what I needed to hear this morning. All these years I’ve been putting up walls and thinking they were boundaries. In fact I just did it this morning with “T”. And I unfortunately reverted to old patterns and had a conversation with him in which I was accusatory, blaming, angry, and saying things from my head to prove to him I was not stupid. Needless to say it didnt work. Just as it has never worked. I felt stepped on, and like the boundaries we had established together for our relationship were broken……..like the “rules” only apply to me, but if he has a situation he doesnt have to show me the same amount of respect that he has wanted from me. SO………..I went to my head and made sure he knew how wrong he was…….thinking I was establing boundaries…….well I forgive myself…..start from where I am at, realize what I was truly feeling, find the boundaries-not the walls!



  14.  #14Kayla on July 28, 2011 at 11:11 am

    This is what I do when I am feeling upset… I always wait until I am feeling confident again to actually do something… That way I’m not doing anything out of anger.



  15.  #15Camille on July 28, 2011 at 11:17 am

    @Kayla

    Great idea Kayla, do you know of any tools I can use when I start to get upset in the middle of a conversation…thats when I seem “to lose it”



  16.  #17Brenda on July 28, 2011 at 11:25 am

    Rori,

    Very nice video! I love how you explain things! You make it so simple, which is a gift, because some of these concepts are so complex!



  17.  #18Patricia on July 28, 2011 at 11:32 am

    Plum
    @8

    oh my gosh, Plum, thank you so much for posting that……it was meant for me to read today! not before today! your timing is perfect!!!!



  18.  #19Lost on July 28, 2011 at 11:42 am

    FeminineWoman,

    I agree to what you are saying, and the same for me. I learning to paying attention to how I am feeling when I am interacting with someone, and being honest about what they are actually offering and not what I want them to offer. And seeing that sooner than later.

    I agree, a week is hardly long enough to see much of another person. What I saw was someone who thinks texting is a good method of communication, who did not make an effort to schedule time with me, and then was seen with another women. As per rory, I do not waste time with men who are not demonstrating that they are into me.

    Had he just been texting, and had I not seen him with the other woman, I would have just gone with the flow and downgraded him. However, feeling icky with icky led me to not feeling open to him, and not really wanting to have a conversation about it other than we are done.

    Thoughts?



  19.  #20Daria on July 28, 2011 at 11:44 am

    rori I L”OVE” how you look in this video!

    i love love love that blue shirt on you… it feels amazing!!



  20.  #21Lost on July 28, 2011 at 11:44 am

    So I did shut down my options. Because I saw no place to go with a conversation about feeling icky about not being asked out, and then seeing him with another person and clearly open to meeting anyone and everyone. There was no purpose to a conversation that would not look like blame. He is entitled to do whatever he wants, but I don’t have to watch it. And I exited consideration.



  21.  #22Lost on July 28, 2011 at 11:47 am

    One last thing – I get it that everyone should be able to date whoever they want until they are exclusive. But, seeing that feels really yucky. It is one thing to kind of know about it, but another to actually watch it happen. That made me feel angry, sad, distrustful, and less attracted to him. It also made me feel upset that he had not asked me out when he clearly had just a normal weekend available.



  22.  #23Lost on July 28, 2011 at 11:53 am

    ok, spiraling…. what is going on? This is just some guy who I met a couple of times. I feel sad. I feel like maybe I missed out on something, but also feel empowered because I walked away from someone who was showing me behavior that was not for me. Lost.



  23.  #24Femininewoman on July 28, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    Lost I believe you never got started so no reason to be done. Also no need for closure with him. Or shutting down with him. The aim is be an open invitation at all times. I encourage you to read as much as possible on this blog. When you shut down yourself to one person the easier it is for you to do it with the next person and then the next. Next thing you know youbecome jaded, lonely in a small world. He was just helping you to become aware of yourself and what you want in your world. Aim to be a rockstar so that when you run into guys like this again you are so happy in your life that when you run into them again they are like a blip on your radar.



  24.  #26Plum on July 28, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    Rosa, tu vas bien? Thinking of you often

    xxx



  25.  #27Plum on July 28, 2011 at 12:36 pm


  26.  #28Patricia on July 28, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    25 PLUMj

    oh you are brilliant! I love this idea:

    “only one man will tame her…..only one…..”



  27.  #29Lost on July 28, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    Feminine,

    There is no need for closure. We only met a few times. I love the idea of a blip on the radar. Why should I care about someone I met recently? And why should I care about telling him no when I was seeing behavior that I do not like, and am cognizant of how I feel. These are all things to be celebrated!

    Not sure about being an invitation all the time, that is not how I read Rory. I read being aware of triggers. Maybe I was triggered, triggered by other men who did not show me interest, and letting them in and taking their behavior for short, but painful amounts of time.

    What I am struggling with is if I cut him off too fast and was not as open as I could have been. But I am not so sure I should be open to why a man does not make time to see me, or when I see him out with other women. I have no need to control him, and I don’t want to be around a man who does not want to see me, even at the beginning.

    Also, from my perspective, I need more work recognizing when they are not into me and not accepting that into my life than vice versa. And I have read Rory – she is clear that you should not deal with men who are clearly not into you. You can see that earlier than you think often.

    Thoughts?



  28.  #30Femininewoman on July 28, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    http://ramonthomas.com/2005/07/dr-paul-dobransky-on-serendipity-and-singledom/

    To have good boundaries, a person needs to get very good with the word “no”. This means accepting no from others, tolerating at least temporary rejection. Good boundaries also mean the ability to say no to others, to not be a doormat, to not allow oneself to be used.

    Good boundaries are a notion also found in Buddhism, and if you have encountered the excellent book, If the Buddha Dated, you will notice how boundaries work in the language of Buddhism. For when we spend our energy or time trying to control the uncontrollable, we do what is called “suffering”. Suffering is an effect of having poor boundaries, of not recognizing where our psychological territory ends and another’s begins. We end up stepping over a sought-after partner’s boundary acting as if we should control their actions. This is often offensive to a prospective date unless they are prone to what are called “codependent relationships”, those painful arrangements where both partners have poor boundaries and allow themselves to be used, abused, and have their time and energy wasted.



  29.  #31Femininewoman on July 28, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    “The way around this is to pay attention to signals that women give off when they’re interested.”

    “Attraction signals” include a relaxed jaw and a tilted head, which exposes the jugular vein.

    “She’s saying, ‘I’m exposing my most vulnerable area. I’m trusting you with my safety,’ ” he said.

    http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/love_doc_day_rx_for_singles_SWv9X0kcyjXPlmfpKVCsYK



  30.  #32Femininewoman on July 28, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    It’s also important to assess the man’s maturity of personal boundary skill. People with poor boundaries CANNOT COMMIT, even if they wish they could, they say the words I LOVE YOU, or promise to the ends of the earth that they can’t do without you.

    Some signs of poor boundaries I list in the book include broken promises, bossy, controlling behavior, overuse of the word “should,” which implies a wish to control what we don’t control.

    Look out for these and be aware of the importance of testing a man’s boundary skill early in dating – the easiest test of which is to simply DISAGREE with him and see how he handles it. If he is rather childish about it, has to be right all the time, or feels totally rejected by you, then he lives more in the adolescent functions of the brain centered more in the Reptilian Brain than the mature boundaries of the Higher Brain.

    On the flipside, when a WOMAN has a lot of work to do on her boundary skill, and the man senses this, it intuitively gives him a reflex fear of his “territory” being at risk, his “male freedom” soon to be tossed to the four winds, and lost.

    Poor boundaries tend to encourage overdramatic emotional outbursts, fights and unnecessary loss of time, energy and money. All these things very much threaten men and their “buy in” to enjoying a lasting commitment to you.

    http://us.penguingroup.com/static/html/blogs/two-things-men-want-and-dont-ever-tell-women



  31.  #33Ella on July 28, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    Huh,,

    Sirens I think J has poofed again!

    ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!

    FRUSRATED!

    So he called on Tuesday after I saw him Monday night because he had found one of his friends to join my Avon team after I mentioned I was looking for people.

    And then I sent him a FB message to say I appreciate his help with my work – leaning forward?? I was going for expressing appreciation but feel unsure.

    Anyway whenever he has appraoched me I have been available… Hmmm, that feels icky… and the truth is when he has contacted me I have actually truly been free… and not into playing games ie: leave it so long to call back so as not to seem to keen, as this just feels inauthentic.

    What do other Sirens think?

    Anyway despite my Siren behaviour on Monday night I am wondering if all this makes him feel he ‘has’ me.

    Urgh, ok how do I feel.

    Gutted and annoyed.

    He has been on FB and he didn’t reply to my message abou work… what is that about.

    I feel confused.

    I mean ok if he is not that into me, but then why does he keep talking about being in a relationship together… and wanting to spend time with me etc…

    And the feeling I get when he is with me is that he really wants to be with me, and he IS into me…

    But then when we are apart it feels as hough he forgets all about me.

    CONFUSED!

    Can I get a dose of Sirenism on this please?

    What do you all think/feel?



  32.  #34Femininewoman on July 28, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    Today is Wednesday Ella are you suggesting that you need everyday contact? What if he is someone who needs his space? If you don’t give him space he will create it.



  33.  #35Femininewoman on July 28, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    Rori’s Words I am using to keep myself balanced

    “It’s UNMISTAKABLE when a man’s energy is coming towards you. He calls, he listens, he tries hard to get near you.

    And the ONLY way he can DO that is if YOU’RE FAR ENOUGH AWAY FROM HIM for him to make that effort.”



  34.  #36Grace on July 28, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    @32 Femininewomen:

    What if you are with a man that when he feels you are preventing him from doing something he wants to do he shows signs of poor boundaries… bossy, controlling behavior, saying “should”, etc. But he doesn’t show these signs any other time?

    Can men with poor boundaries change to become commitment men?



  35.  #37Kayla on July 28, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    Feeling down about “pickup guys” reaction lastnight… He hasn’t talked to me all day. . . I feel like I shouldn’t worry too much about that right? Any advice sirens?



  36.  #38Femininewoman on July 28, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    RE 36 Grace I have learnt from Tinque to bring things back to me. I would take it as a message that there is a hole in my own boundary and work on that. Why would I prevent him from doing what he wants? Am I trying to control him? Am I codependent?



  37.  #39Femininewoman on July 28, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    Kayla read 30 about “suffering”.



  38.  #40Ella on July 28, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    FW – Today is Thursday night here 🙂



  39.  #41Femininewoman on July 28, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    Okay Ella but my point is does he know that you need an everyday relationship or something close to it?



  40.  #42Kayla on July 28, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    So I should not feel bad because I can’t control the uncontrollable? And because I was just setting boundaries?



  41.  #43Ella on July 28, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    FW re 35

    Thank you – Yeah… need to do that.

    xoxox

    Any other Sirens anything to help me re 33 – as usual I am feeling panick first and foremost.

    How do I re-focus?



  42.  #44Femininewoman on July 28, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    Dr. Paul Dobransky speaks extensively on CCarter’s From Casual to Committed Program about Boundaries. I have the program but still struggle with boundaries. Which is why I love Rori’s Focus on YOU words. Focussing on oneself minimizes the possibility of trodding over other people’s boundary and becoming clear on one’s own boundaries that need to be strengthen. Dr. Dobransky talks about saying “should” or “need” or say things like “you always” do this or that.



  43.  #45Ella on July 28, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    Fw – no probably not… as I have said I don’t want a relationship.

    I did say I feel bad when people disappear though.

    Awww, don’t know – its my issue as usual.

    Just wish he was coming at me strong, and he’s not!

    Triggers clingy feelings in me but you know what I feel SOOO bored of this trigger feeling.

    Gonna say whatever for now.

    And you know what someone else is coming at me strong… and he is waiting to call me now.

    So I am going to give him my full attention right now and see how that feels.

    xoxox



  44.  #46Ella on July 28, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    NV – you have f8cked it all up by being too available!

    SHUT UP!

    Cookie you!

    I am a Siren, and I have been authentic.

    And EVERYTHING can change on a dime.



  45.  #47Femininewoman on July 28, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    Again Rori’s words

    “It doesn’t MATTER what YOU feel – it only matters what HE feels in terms of what’s possible between you. HE has to miss YOU. That means you have to be outta there. If he changes his mind, he’ll find you – but don’t even hold your breath.”

    From Bethany’s Story and her comments

    “1. Because you CAN”T have all the things you want and know you deserve and be the same person!! The woman I am has to die so the woman I’m meant to be can live!!!! I feel so bad about this though, and I want the old me to know that no matter what I won’t forget her and I’ll carry her memory with me, inside me, and she’ll wave at me from way back when and smile and say I’m so happy for you/me/us!!!!!!!



  46.  #48Femininewoman on July 28, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    Daria’s/Rori’s words

    1. it felt good when i switched my mind to “i wonder what you showed up to heal for me”



  47.  #49Ella on July 28, 2011 at 2:43 pm

    FW re 47

    Is this post for me?

    I feel confused – are you saying he is not into me?



  48.  #50tinque on July 28, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    Ella – I don’t want to hurt you in any way, yet the reality here is that this is a very young man. The vast majority of very young men are not all that reliable, especially when it comes to relationships.

    He means what he says in the moment and even beyond the moment, but he’s really is still just a boy who gets distracted, who has little clue about being a boyfriend let alone about commitment.

    I understand you like him, but I don’t think he can be anything but a fun time for you. You seem to have gotten yourself all tied up in him emotionally.

    This isn’t serving you in the now and certainly not in the future.

    I don’t want to see you keep being hurt here.

    xxoo



  49.  #51Lercomari on July 28, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    Hi Sirens, thanks a lot for your replies in the other post…I left my responses there. Thanks a lot for the birthday love and encouragement. Love you all!
    Will be back later to catch up on posts and listen to Rori’s video…I’m going on a birthday date with myself! 🙂
    Much love~!



  50.  #52Ella on July 28, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    Tinque you are right.

    And it feels so difficult right now. With him I feel/felt really alive in a way I haven’t done for AGES!

    Logically and in reality I know what you say is true, and I have thought the same myself.

    That he is not the man who is going to be able to step up and be the masculine leader that I want, who will lavish love and attention on me.

    And yet someone needs to tell me heart.

    And I slept with him because I thought I could handle it. And I suppose I can… but it just makes me feel that much more emotionally tied in with this.

    Ewww, I HATE to admit that.

    I don’t want to feel tied in.

    Oh but I don’t really want to drop it either.

    ARGHHH!

    Feeling annoyed and tensed up.

    I don’t know, sometimes the other night when he was talking I just thought ‘wow you are young aren’t you’ and I kinda knew that he is not the man for me.

    But it feels so good to be with him. Like so much FUN! It feels free and light and I feel like the whole of me lights up like a Christmas tree when we are together.

    But then when he is lame and clueless that feels bad and I feel stupid.

    I guess he reminds me of me when I was younger and how much fun that was and I just miss that so much.

    Sometimes ‘real grown up’ relationships feel so heavy to me.

    Or at least that is my perception.

    I feel afraid of being bored senseless. This can happen easily for me in relationships.

    I have so much fun with him. I really want that.

    I feel afraid of not having that.

    Hmmm, are we getting somewhere now I wonder?



  51.  #53alias girl on July 28, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    #33 ella if a man is not in front of me, he doesn’t exist.
    i would pull my focus back to ME. and i don’t want to be begging for crumbs and then overanalyzing when i don’t get the response i expected from my strategic actions.

    i am too blunt? please tell me? i am testing new behavior and it might be just a bit too much.



  52.  #54alias girl on July 28, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    #37 kayla. maybe he’s done. maybe he doesn’t want to share you. maybe he feels too threatened with other guys in the picture and yet he may not be step up enough to go further.

    hard to know.

    maybe he’s buying you a ring.

    hard to know what’s going on with another unless they share it with you.

    I would pull the focus back to ME and my fabulous life and waterwheel towards me and cding and oh, my my fabulousness.



  53.  #55alias girl on July 28, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    if sirens ask for general feedback and want to say “except for alias girl.” i swear i won’t mind. lol.



  54.  #56Plum on July 28, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    36: Grace says:
    ***What if you are with a man that when he feels you are preventing him from doing something he wants to do he shows signs of poor boundaries… bossy, controlling behavior, saying “should”, etc. But he doesn’t show these signs any other time?
    Can men with poor boundaries change to become commitment men?***

    What do you mean by “prevent”?

    If he wants to convince you to have sex and you prevent him to push your boundary, yet he bosses you, he tries to force you, he tells that you should want to etc…then he has no boundary limit, run !
    Same for anything he tries to convince you to do, lend him money, invest money here rather than there, wear such style of cloth rather than such, run!
    Ask yourself why you are with him. What does it say about you that you are loving such a man.

    But if you mean that you are preventing him from doing anything in his own life, anything that does not relate directly to your life, like you prevent him to go on a week end with friends, or you prevent him to go bungee jumping because you “know” it is dangerous or you prevent him to spend his own money for “his own sake”, then you are minding his bridge, you are a freak control, he should run 😉

    You ask if a man with poor boundaries can become a commitment man. Why would you commit to a leaking man?

    xxx



  55.  #57alias girl on July 28, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    #51 yae! Lercomari! Have lots of Happy Birthday FUN!



  56.  #58Ella on July 28, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    Alias Girl re 53,

    Yes feels pretty blunt and a bit ‘ouch’. I feel a lil defensive.

    I have been taking crumbs but not begging. And on Monday I had no strategy other than to be a Siren. For me. And I felt good that I did.

    Trying to get the focus back on me…

    Mixed results… is sometimes then I get caugh up on him again.

    I feel curious, what new behaviour are you testing.



  57.  #59alias girl on July 28, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    #58 ella. thank you for your honest response. i feel very appreciative. i don’t want to put people on the defensive.

    the voice in my head is VERY blunt and i was wondering if i could use that as my authentic voice in relating to people.

    but now sitting here i realize i feel angry.

    i literally feel angry when sirens aren’t Perfectly doing rori’s tools.

    AS IF i am.

    WTF???!!!

    WTF????

    ok, did not even realize any of this until writing it.

    the reason it came off hurtful is because of where i was at emotionally.

    so i can use my authentic voice probably most often.

    BUT IF I AM ANGRY or in a bad place ——probably best to hold off communicating much until i get rebalanced.

    i NEED TO PAY ATTENTION TO HOW I AM FEELING.

    big duh.

    i am very sorry ella. i came from an awful place and i feel bad i was not really supportive or gentle. please forgive me and thank you for the honest feedback.

    i feel embarrased.



  58.  #60alias girl on July 28, 2011 at 3:46 pm

    i feel so curious about my projection onto others.

    I always want PERFECTION FROM ME

    AND EVERYONE

    AND EVERYTHING.

    ugh. ugh. WHYYYYYYYYYYY?

    oh i feel such sadness. i feel tears. i feel embarrased.

    perfection doesn’t even freaking EXIST.

    ROAR!

    Oh thank you. i hope this is coming up to HEAL!!!!

    oH what a joyous gift it would be to heal my perfectionism what a great big heavy steel girder would be lifted from my psyche of self-punishment.

    oh yes, oh yes. oh what a brand new life that would be for me.

    the prison of perfectionsism.

    alias girl, you have served your time. you are released.

    oh thank you.



  59.  #61Ella on July 28, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    Alias re 59,

    Don’t worry – it really wasn’t that bad… just a little prickly feeling is all.

    What you were actually saying is very valid.

    xoxox



  60.  #62Ella on July 28, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    Just been reading about the waterwheel again on previous post.

    It does feel good to imagine.

    And sometimes it feels difficult to imagine.

    And sometimes it feels like keeping me connected when what I actually want here is to ‘turn off’ to this man.

    Which was the other (very long) e-mail of Rori’s that FW re-posted – and I found it so relevant and useful right now.

    In fact going to read it again.

    Do you know what – I have overfunctioned.

    BUT being a Siren I have also pulled it back… like when we were out in the city… and he was socialising with everyone else not me, and I did naturally do what Rori speaks about of kinda turning off him, and allowing others to flirt with me… but still allowed myself to feel shaky and angry.

    And the men came… lots of them actually!

    And then he started paying attention.

    But not enough.

    And that wasn’t even my intention.

    But you know what I haven’t been such an awful crumb taker… no!

    Well he contacted me and came to me the other night… he organised dinner and the pulled me in for cuddling.

    I decided no sex AND I decided he had to leave to walk home.

    And it is him looking for people to come work for me!

    Ha – I am not as powerless as I thought!

    And look at me CD-ing away today.

    The only difference is that I know that I leant forward more than usual, and that I have/had a soft spot for him.

    But only I know that.

    I have still been a true Siren EVEN in this situation.

    And he is till just a boy!

    Thats all – just 1 boy.

    Nothing more.

    And I am a SIREN. A beautiful Siren.

    So there!



  61.  #63Femininewoman on July 28, 2011 at 4:37 pm

    Ella I thought you might find some value in 47. I totally agree with Tinque on the maturity issue. I also thought you told him you don’t want a relationship which in my mind translates into a friendship with emotional no strings attached sex, if you sleep with him. If it is friendship, most people call or communicate with friends whenever and don’t put limits on their comings or goings. From what I have experienced guys initiate frequent contact when they want the committed relationship. Even in uncommitted relationship they at times act that way. One of my cd’s used to keep calling me “friend” to the point I asked him not to call me that. I found out through reading here that was all he had in mind for me, however we shared some intense emotional moments but he knew clearly I had no intention of sleeping with him. If you saw the way he behaved towards you would believe he was planning to marry me. He was a real masculine giver but I just could not open up to him to really let him in. I couldn’t deal with the issue of the ex.



  62.  #64Femininewoman on July 28, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    Ella I see you as a Siren getting intimate with herself. As Rori says we have to make mistakes to learn as we practice.



  63.  #65Femininewoman on July 28, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    Alias Girl I have see an eLetter where Rori advises her client that she is going to use “tough love”. Though you might not be the coach sometimes we inspire our friends when we use that voice. Also it is a part of you that you can give love and accept.



  64.  #66Brenda on July 28, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    I HATE DATING!!

    I was on the phone with a man just now, making final plans as to when and where to meet, when he hung up on me. What a chicken shit way to cancel a date. How utterly rude! I hate it! I wish I never had to go on another date again!

    When I was dating Ryan in 2009, and I felt so elated, thinking that I wouldn’t have to date anyone else ever again. I feel like crying.



  65.  #67Brenda on July 28, 2011 at 4:49 pm

    Now I’m all freshly showered and dressed up with no place to go. It’s moments like these when I feel weak and contact Ryan.

    Fu(ck.



  66.  #68Brenda on July 28, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    And it’s moments like these when I feel drawn to just spend the rest of my life single and say fu to all men.



  67.  #69Brenda on July 28, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    Why is dating so damn painful????????????????????



  68.  #70alias girl on July 28, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    #61 thank you ella. i feel appreciative and accepted and that means a lot to me.

    #65 FW yes thank you. i think i have the “tough” part down….

    tough on me
    on sirens
    on men
    on everyone everywhere.

    no one is measuring up to my standards of perfection.

    bad, bad world! lol.

    but in all seriousness, i do have a hard time accepting my true self and try to be someone else. when my contribution is useful and sometimes joyous as well.

    i feel ashamed of my tough bluntness.

    I have visions of me as a gentle open siren with a soft voice and flowey energy and oh so feminine features and soft soft soft

    soprano

    but my half man part of me intereferes with that in reality.

    aw i feel super shame right now.

    and more tears.

    i feel surprised because i don’t really understand.

    anyhoo ha busy day today and on the run all day into eve.

    will be back later

    i feel appreciative of this space on island.

    xo



  69.  #71Lilybelle on July 28, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    52:

    Ella,

    Maybe just Maybe, his showing up was/is to show YOU that you can and will feel that way again. Maybe that is all there is to it.



  70.  #72alias girl on July 28, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    oh and i did not mention yet… i really enjoyed this video and rori you look so lovely. and like brenda said you have quite a gift for making these concepts So easy to grasp and then use. thank you.



  71.  #73LobbyStar on July 28, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    67: Brenda

    I know how you feel. I was with a man for well over 2 years, we had a very intense relationship, but he was giving me crumbs, and I finally found the strength to end it.

    However, every time I went out with someone else and it didn’t work out, I found myself contacting him. We’d get together and have sex and then I’d imagine we were on a new path toward reconciliation. He was like my safety net.

    Of course, it always turned out to be a bad idea, and I’d end up getting hurt all over again. Took me way too long to learn not to turn to him after a rejection.

    I am my own safety net now.



  72.  #74Lilybelle on July 28, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    55:

    AG~ So cute. You are causing me to smile here.



  73.  #75Ella on July 28, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    Fw re 63,

    Yes I see this.

    Basically I told him I did not want a ‘for now’ relationship… kinda with the assumption that would be all he would be able to offer me at this time.

    And he kinda took it like rejection at first I think.

    Till we communicated further and I explained that I DO like him… and that I am still don’t want a ‘for now’ relationship.

    He knows I want to be married and he has heard me talk about my husband of the future and then he said ‘so what am I jus a runner up?’ which made me realise its not respectful of his feelings to talk about this when I am with him.

    Its weird because he kept saying stuff like ‘I used to do blah blah blah, oh but I wasn’t in a relationship (as in me and him) then’ or ‘Oh sorry I should have thought to do such and such for you… I haven’t been in a relationship for such a long time’

    What I discsussed with him was that if we were going to be sleeping together we would be sexually exlusive.

    I think he takes this to be a relationship?

    But what we have sure feels nothing like a relationship to me, which is ok.

    I make a point never to be friends with my CDs and this is definitely romance.

    And definitely emotions involved I think on both sides.

    So for me telling a guy I don’t want a relationship in terms of the No g,friend speech is not the same as saying we will be friends or have casual sex.

    It is the no g,friend speech and he is a CD, or maybe a Lover, like all the others, unless/until he steps up…

    What do you think?



  74.  #76Ella on July 28, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    Lobbystar – nice pic! 🙂



  75.  #77Ella on July 28, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    Brenda hugs.

    I know dating can really suck… I hate that disappointed feeling, and it can almost be too triggering…

    But luckily it isn’t..

    Date yourself tonight? xxx



  76.  #78Ella on July 28, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    Rori – You look GREAT!

    I love that colour on you. 🙂



  77.  #79Ella on July 28, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    Daria – if you are reading – I got my apple cider vinigar.

    Now how much should I use in how much water?

    xoxox



  78.  #80LobbyStar on July 28, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    I gave the “no girlfriend” speech last night for the first time.

    I felt so Sireny! And powerful! I felt proud of myself for expressing my feelings.

    And he has not poofed.



  79.  #81LobbyStar on July 28, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    76:

    Thanks, Ella! I finally figured out how to do it!



  80.  #82Lilybelle on July 28, 2011 at 5:36 pm

    I really liked this vid and when Rori was talking about walls; I was raising my hand in the air, literally….



  81.  #83Plum on July 28, 2011 at 5:37 pm

    here’s my current thoughts on circular dating. is it the top thing on anyone’s list of what we want to do? no probably not. at least not mine. but being the sort of picky, fussy, choosy, obsessive lover that i am, circular dating is probably just what i need. so i don’t need to focus on fitting the square peg/non committer into a hole the size of my ring finger. so i can learn tools how to even relate in a positive way with men instead of ordering them around trying to get them to play their proper parts in MY BIG SHOW. circular dating is fantastic in it’s current stage of hideousness in my life. fantastic. i couldn’t learn more if i was enrolled in an accelerated course for WOMEN WHO ARE STILL WAITING FOR CHANGE WHILE DOING THE SAME OLD BEHAVIORS. so good forme. free therapy. yae. i get to realize guys are interested in me even if i’m not all put together. i get to realize i am human with some oggd points and some bad points. i get practice grace and acceptance. i get to realize just how many yummy guys there are in the world that i was completely blind to before. and i get to realize i don’t need to get hung up on the unavailable man just because that’s where i feel safe in the beginning of a relationship. i can keep dating dating dating so there is no time to get HUNG UP. And nyway i may learn to like circular dating so much that i decide i donLt even want to settle down. bc i am empowered by circular dating and having other options. kind of like how capitalism works and keeps competitors in check. why? bc you can always go somewhere else and get what you need for the exact same price. that’s hy quality is a good find. my current thoughts on circular dating.

    Written by alias girl
    Thursday, 13 November 2008 @ 10:04pm



  82.  #84Brenda on July 28, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    Lobby Star,

    RE: #73 – Thanks! It feels good to know someone understands. Yeah, I never thot of it that way, that Ryan has been like a safety net. Working on making me my safety net.

    Ella, Thanks. You asked if I’m dating myself tonight. I was about to go out and just walk up and down the sidewalk in town, when the man contacted me for a sort-of job I got (commission only). So I am doing some computer work for him. I hope he makes it worth my while.



  83.  #85Plum on July 28, 2011 at 5:54 pm

    I believe a MAN HAS to “Feel it” for a woman – his energy has to be coming TOWARDS us for the whole life of our relationship (forever, we hope).
    HE has to experience the literal definition of “Chemistry” as a chemical, physical response to our smell, taste, feel, looks, vibe and subconscious energy patterns.

    We WOMEN, on the other hand, I believe – can CREATE chemistry for ourselves.

    We have our instinctive responses, just like men do – but very often they are FALSE.
    They are based on a subconscious desire to HURT ourselves, to PUNISH ourselves, throw ourselves under a bus.

    Very often we’re attracted to a man who is just like…..(could be anyone – I remember the time when I was devastatingly attracted to any man who looked like James Caan, based on a movie role he once played).

    We women have to learn to develop our feeling of chemistry based on RECEIVING love from a man who is deeply chemically attracted to us.
    We have to keep in mind our goals of having a fantastic RELATIONSHIP – with a man who can DO the job.
    (We’re not talking about starting out with a man we don’t even want to kiss – we’re talking about pleasantness versus bells ringing here.)

    We’re talking a man who can hear us, be there for us, inspire our desires for fun, adventure, emotional connection.
    Someone who can help us be a better, stronger, happier person.

    When we allow this to happen – it’s magical, and it makes the old kind of “chemistry” look shabby.
    All of a sudden we feel safe.
    We feel “got” – and then we uncork ourselves.

    We allow ourselves out to play, to Be, to live, to experience, to share.
    We allow our inner “Swamp Thing,” our inner “Stranger” to SPEAK to us.
    We start to listen to ourselves, hear all our different voices, our different notes – and we begin to feel safe SHARING all of this with him.

    We become more loving and accepting of ourselves, and then that just overflows onto him, and then he loves and gives more – and we begin to EXPAND.
    We expand the relationship, and then the relationship expands US.

    I’ve had all different kinds of Chemistry – and the one I have now – where you brave touching each other’s souls, working through stress and fear and the patterns of daily life, going beyond, working together is just way more amazing than the easy kind. Just is.

    A good man’s tenderness coming at you – so you can experience it in your body in the form of loving physical affection – when that happens, it can create goodwill that can last days, and it makes all the minor disappointments fade.
    Imagine if it could just keep building – so that there’s so much goodwill and loving “capital” between you – that’s how a REAL fire gets and stays going forever.

    Let me know what you think.

    Love, Rori

    written by Rori Raye
    Saturday, 8 November 2008 @ 7:06pm



  84.  #86Nikita on July 28, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    Can I feel bummed a mAn didn’t offer to walk me to a taxi..and pay for me to get home? I’m struggling with this. I think it’s crumby but am I asking too much?
    I don’t think so….but I’m open to other perspectives..

    Anyone?



  85.  #87Lilybelle on July 28, 2011 at 6:02 pm

    85:

    I desire this: “where you brave touching each other’s souls”

    That feels really, really good.



  86.  #88Plum on July 28, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    87 Lyllibelle

    Yes, from whatever point of view we look at it, it is about courage.
    It takes a woman a lot of courage to allow a man to tame her.

    Xxx



  87.  #89Lilybelle on July 28, 2011 at 6:19 pm

    88:

    That is a true statement, Plum. I am working on courage as we speak.

    wow, this is a journey!



  88.  #90Plum on July 28, 2011 at 6:25 pm

    80: LobbyStar

    Thumb up!

    xxx



  89.  #91Plum on July 28, 2011 at 6:34 pm

    By Rori Raye

    You meet a great guy who showers you with attention and affection.
    He tells you how amazing you are, and you feel like all your relationship dreams are finally going to come true.
    Then, suddenly, he doesn’t call as often as he used to.
    Or he hesitates making plans with you.
    Or when he’s with you, you sense he’s not really there, and it hurts.
    We’ve all been there, and it feels absolutely awful.
    The butterflies in your stomach are now replaced by a gut-wrenching tension.
    You’re on edge, and you can only relax when he’s with you – but you never know exactly when that’s going to be.
    Soon, you start analyzing his every move and talking about it relentlessly with your girlfriends.

    I know, because before I learned how to deal with this, I was the Queen of Analyzing.

    Working Hard, Getting Nowhere

    I’d monitor his face for any sign that he might be going cold on me, and then I would go into what I call “over functioning.”
    I’d ask him where he was going, what he was thinking, and ask when we were going to see each other. I made sure I was available all the time and even planned dates for us.
    I’d try to do it in, what I thought, was a non-pressuring way.
    I’d ask him things out of “curiosity” or “caring”.
    Or just because my schedule was so busy that “I needed to know how to plan my week.”

    Four Words To Change Your Love Life

    One of the things I discovered, and made myself do, in order to get out of this self-destructive pattern was four words: KEEP MY OPTIONS OPEN.

    “Exclusivity without a commitment is a trap. It’s great for him but not good at all for you.”
    Instead of waiting around for a man to make plans or sit around analyzing why he’s constantly coming forward and then moving away, I started going on casual dates with several different men.
    Note that I said “made myself, because I know how challenging this is!
    But you have to trust me (and yourself) to know that even when it feels scary to step back and take care of yourself, it’s the best – and most attractive thing – you can do.
    The most important reason for dating more than one man until you are exclusive is that it gives YOU the opportunity to find the best partner.
    The fact that you will become more attractive to the men you’re dating is a bonus.
    The last thing you want to do is put your life on hold and stand around waiting for one man.
    You’re giving him all the power.
    It’s like saying, “I’m so crazy about you, I’ll take whatever I can get.”
    And that is never attractive to a man.

    His Secret Wish

    Every man secretly wants to be with a woman who puts herself first.
    But he WILL take whatever he can get if you give it away freely.
    That’s why I say that exclusivity without a commitment is a trap.
    It’s great for him, but not good at all for you.
    Keeping your options open makes it possible to have what you want, and it makes it easier for the man you have to give you what you want, because it completely changes your outlook and your “vibe.”
    I call it circular dating, and I show you how to do it in my eBook.
    Once he sees that you’re honoring your heart, it will compel him to honor you.
    He’ll stop blowing hot or cold and give you the attention you deserve.
    Or, he’ll leave you alone; and you’ll find out he wasn’t worth your time and heart anyway.
    You just saved yourself a lot of heartbreak.
    And since you were keeping your options open, you have a number of other suitors who are happily standing by. Lucky you!
    I only wish I had started circular dating sooner.
    Because, as soon as I did, the right kind of men started showing up in my life – including my husband.
    It worked so well for me that I decided to create my eBook so I could share what I learned with women like you.
    Thousands of women have dramatically improved their relationships by using these powerful Tools.
    No matter how brokenhearted or confused you might feel right now, I know that what you learn in my eBook will help you create the committed relationship you deserve.
    I hope you’ll give it a try and give yourself the chance at finding your happy ever after.
    To find out how to stop over functioning and start circular dating so you can keep your options open in a way that keeps men coming your way, download my eBook here: http://www.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/catalog/ebook.html



  90.  #92Femininewoman on July 28, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    RE 79 I use a table spoon in a cup of water but sometimes I use a little honey or agave syrup to temper the taste a little bit.



  91.  #93Femininewoman on July 28, 2011 at 7:16 pm

    RE 70 Alias Girl maybe part of your dark side? and it’s alright. Our greatest weakest can be our greatest strengths and vice versa.



  92.  #94Mel on July 28, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    Feeling a little down today. I got an email back for one of the jobs I really wanted saying that they were looking for someone with more experience. Boo.

    On top of that, my mom’s being really (s)mothering. I went to take the dogs for a walk and she’s like “be careful!” I mean geez… I’m a grown woman. If you haven’t enough faith in me that at 31 I can’t go out walking without falling in the river or something, heaven help me!

    And she’s like “call and let me know when you’ll be back.” etc. etc. Ugh. I DON’T think I can handle living with her. I feel like everything that’s happened this past while has been completely out of my control. Like I have no control over my own life. The last thing I need is to be treated like an incompetent child. I want to be able to stay out late if I want or to see 5 different men without her hassling me. I want to choose my own furniture even if I can only afford crappy stuff from the second-hand store. I don’t need my mother controlling what little I feel I CAN control right now.

    Ugh, this has been a bad day. And I couldn’t escape to be alone. They were always around. That’s how it would be if I lived with her. I love my mom, but I don’t want to live with her.

    I need some happy choices. I want to choose something that makes me feel good.

    And I got a text from him today that said his interview went great. I’m happy for him… but it just made me feel worse because nothing seems to be going my way.

    I applied to some more places. I’m determined to find something, but sometimes I just feel so discouraged.

    I need some positive energy.



  93.  #95Lilybelle on July 28, 2011 at 7:36 pm

    Mel~ Sending you lots of hugs and positive energy.

    Something wonderful is coming your way. Feel it and Be it!!



  94.  #96Mel on July 28, 2011 at 7:40 pm

    Thanks Lilybelly!



  95.  #97Brenda on July 28, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    I’m feeling more content working on the website for this new quasi-job.



  96.  #98Lilybelle on July 28, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    96:

    Wish there was more I could do…especially about the (s)mothering thing. If it was me, I’d have to tell my mother that I needed her to allow me to be the grown up. But having said that: lol…

    Being a mom, I understand how she feels, she’s worried, she is hoping beyond hope that you move home but yet, wants you to go where the wind takes you….and she also knows that you have been dealing with a lot so she wants to mother you too…

    She can’t pick you up and rock you anymore or lull you into peacefulness like when you were a child so the only thing she can do is what she is doing. She can’t kiss it and make the boo boo go away. The best thing you can do to get her to give you the space you need, is to show her you are okay.

    I totally get where you are coming from though.. Totally!!!



  97.  #99Mel on July 28, 2011 at 8:01 pm

    I guess I just really resent when she shows her concern because it’s for stupid things that she has no business worrying about.

    Um… I walk the dogs EVERY night. I think I know how to “be safe.”

    Or her saying… so after work tomorrow, you can go look at some apartments. Oh really? I CAN can I? What if I don’t WANT to go after work? What if I don’t want to look at apartments AT ALL?

    Now that sounds quite bitter, but that’s how I’m feeling. I don’t want to be told what to do right now. Or be made to feel like I’m an 8-year-old that needs to hold mommy’s hand to cross the street.



  98.  #100Mel on July 28, 2011 at 8:04 pm

    Maybe that’s what I was meant to learn this week. That I can cross living with mom off my list of choices.

    Check.



  99.  #101Mel on July 28, 2011 at 8:11 pm

    I understand where she’s coming from Lilybelle, I do. I know she just loves me and is worried. BUT this just makes it worse.

    Because then not only do I have the pain and heartbreak of of a failed marriage to deal with, but I feel like my own parents don’t even think I’m competent enough to be on my own. That’s what the micromanaging makes me feel like.

    At the very least, I AM able to walk my own dogs mom! Grrrrr!



  100.  #102Lilybelle on July 28, 2011 at 8:18 pm

    101:

    I do not like to be micro-managed by my mother either. At all. She doesn’t do it because I don’t let her.

    Oh, the stories I could tell you. But I get highly triggered by her and she has been in my energy this week and so I am feeling pist at her right now. And, I haven’t even talked to her! She sends her sib’s to guilt me…through FB even…for the whole world to see.. Delete!!! UGH!!!

    You are able to do way more than walk the damn dogs, girl. You can do it all!



  101.  #103Mel on July 28, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    It’s so funny too, because I can totally feel myself acting like a teenager when she’s like this. My response to her “suggestion” that I go looking for apartments was. “I’ll do what I want after work.” I almost laughed to myself after I said it. LOL



  102.  #104Mel on July 28, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    I’m also highly triggered by my mom Lil.

    Now I remember WHY I chose to live with my dad when they got divorced.



  103.  #105Mel on July 28, 2011 at 8:25 pm

    Grrrr… guilting. 🙁 Maybe it’s International semi-annual (s)mothering week!



  104.  #106Mel on July 28, 2011 at 8:30 pm

    Now I’m smiling again. Sometimes a gal just has to vent! And thanks for the encouragement Lilybelle! 🙂

    Besides walking the dogs, I am also extremely skilled at pumping gas, turning out lights, loading the dishwasher and even getting myself up in the morning! LOL, LOL, LOL.

    But seriously, I CAN do this!



  105.  #107English Woman on July 28, 2011 at 9:27 pm

    Wow Rori, that was a great great explanation of the difference between boundaries and walls, all my so called boundaries have been nothing but walls!!!

    I can so relate to the now now now feeling of fear and urgency, that is how I used to be about everything……



  106.  #108English Woman on July 28, 2011 at 9:41 pm

    I don’t know if anybody else gets daily messages from The Universe (Mike Dooley) but I got this one yesterday and thought of this blog:

    “”As mentioned in the brochures, Barb, used for recruiting alien life forms from distant realities: “‘Time and Space’ is where you’re never judged, only loved, anyone can be a rock star, and your keys will be wherever you left them.”

    Spot on, huh?

    Wiki this,
    The Universe

    Keys, Barb, not kids. And, yes, the rock star bit also caught your attention back when you were an alien life form.

    😀



  107.  #109nikita on July 28, 2011 at 9:49 pm

    uugh….get out of my head….get out of my head…must get out of my head!



  108.  #110Lercomari on July 28, 2011 at 9:52 pm

    @Plum, thank you for the “happy birthday.” 🙂 I had nice birthday afterall.



  109.  #111Lercomari on July 28, 2011 at 9:56 pm

    Rori, thank you for this video…I have been in the position where I had boundaries and when I had walls, and sometimes it’s very easy to lose sight of the difference. Thank you for putting a face and definition to each concept. This helps a lot.



  110.  #112English Woman on July 28, 2011 at 9:58 pm

    Happy belated birthday Lercomari, I’m glad it was a good one. 🙂



  111.  #113Lercomari on July 28, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    @English Woman, thank you! 🙂



  112.  #114alias girl on July 28, 2011 at 10:37 pm

    Lercomari i feel happy you had a nice birthday. 🙂



  113.  #115alias girl on July 28, 2011 at 10:39 pm

    i have a first date tomorrow with a cd that has come around twice before but never stepped up to an actual date. we are going hiking.



  114.  #116Emoticon on July 28, 2011 at 11:02 pm

    You kno how i feel after watching this? I’m GLAD i finally get it. Boundaries are about my own feelings and how i am affected by my actions. Walls and about what I am afraid someone’s actions will do to me and how i want 2 use these to manipulate people into doing what i want.

    I need to look at my list of “boundaries” and eliminate those which are walls



  115.  #117Alicia on July 28, 2011 at 11:03 pm

    Love the message. And I really like on video! Feels more personable and you can hear a softer tone then sometimes read.

    I love getting boundries. At first I was pissing everyone off with them and my delivery was a bit abrubt. However, my counselor assure me it was normal and like I was learning to walk. Together with Rori site and my counselor I have come along way. And now I still feel a little stress about having to tell especially a guy when I feel disrespected or dismissed but, I just go with what Rori taught about the I feel message then with what I want. And I am so much softer. AND more imporant my self worth and respect is so much better.

    I’d like to think I had that self respect and worth witg boundries before but, I didnt becuase I grew up so beaten down I thought I was allowed to speak up or self blamed and accepted poor treatment because of low self esteem and worth. I am soooooooooooo happy to say ALL that has changed. The process wasn’t easy but hot damn.. I am so greatful for it.

    It take alot of self love.. and not allowing someone else to tell you your worth. You do have to teach people how to treat you.

    Standing up for yourself can be scary but, it sooooo so worth it to have ALL THE PEACE ON THE INSIDE. 🙂



  116.  #118Emoticon on July 28, 2011 at 11:10 pm

    I am feeling pretty good about everything right now. I just felt a little bit angry because my mother kept bothering me n i was def not in the mood n then she started talking NON STOP about not liking the way i treat her ( i swear she does this everytime she doesnt get her way n does the direct opposite when she does get her way, its confusing)

    But in any case, i remained silent although i know she knows i was upset. Now its over n i am alone n happy again. *wooosah*



  117.  #119Alicia on July 28, 2011 at 11:13 pm

    Is funny about “the wall” I had to write a letter to it in therapy once. lol.. And it went something like this..

    Example.
    Dear wall, thanks for being there and trying to protect me but, your not really doing that great a job. I just feel lonley with you. So the wall isn’t serving me anymore. And it’s time for me to hop up and jump over and play with everyone else in life. Or you can crumble into the ocean and I glady walk over your rocks. Either way I know you were there to protect me but, I’m feeling safer now and everything will be okay with out you. Letting you go in peace.

    Love,
    Alicia



  118.  #120Emoticon on July 28, 2011 at 11:21 pm

    I LOVE it Alicia!!! Absolutely love it. If u dont mind, i feel like taking a copy of ur letter n sticking it somewhere 4 me 2 reference would b very helpful. ^_^



  119.  #121Brenda on July 29, 2011 at 12:15 am

    I woke up feeling really sad, and I just cried my heart out. I’m weary at the soul-level of being alone in this life. This world is too hostile for me.



  120.  #122Patricia on July 29, 2011 at 3:32 am

    121 Brenda

    when I feel like what you describe I have something I turn to that helps ……and I watch it several times if I need to….sharing with you….. hugs

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4zWBHFCmXM



  121.  #123Daria on July 29, 2011 at 4:42 am

    ella – take about 1 tablespoon or 2 mixed with a small cup of water … before eating or so … total 3 times a day for weight loss



  122.  #124Daria on July 29, 2011 at 4:47 am

    feeling goood!!!!

    yum!!!!

    am at sighisoara wiht my cousin his lovely energy feeling and fun girlfriend
    her sis who i am gettin along with and i discussed rori basics with her
    and with his friend our host

    and we’re relaxing and eating andNOT feeling rushed or panicked to visit stuff

    but we will!!
    weee



  123.  #125Daria on July 29, 2011 at 4:53 am

    wow feels interesting to see other ladies here feel resentful of being told what to do by their mothers… ugh!

    i am practicing and i KNOW i will be able to use the tools consistently and transform my family relationships to bliss soon



  124.  #126miskwa on July 29, 2011 at 5:12 am

    I have 3 college degrees, own 4 homes, work full time, cut my own firewood, and run a small farm. My father still treats me as though I am a not very bright 3 year old. He has never forgiven me for my breakup with my ex, even though it occurred because I had to take a job far away. He also thinks that my choosing to learn and live our ancestral traditions is stupid and unrealistic. We talk mainly about the weather. I bailed out of a long term friendship because my friend did not respect my values and subjected me to constant criticism. Our boundaries, and yep,our walls are who we are. Giving up yourself to please another is tantamount to circling the drain. Why be with someone or stay in the good graces of someone if it makes you miserable. Yep, I spend most of my time completely alone which is a less than ideal situation but when you are with folks that will not/are unable to respect you, you ARE also alone.



  125.  #127Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 5:35 am

    RE 99 Mel I get triggered by my mother also but since discovering the Waterwheel tool. I try to look at some things through that perspective. I am committed to allow as much love and positive energy as possible to flow through me so I use the Waterwheel image to attract the love of the world so sometimes I just say thanks for the suggestion but I really don’t need it. As such what I have found is that the energy I use behind such words have shifted and she responds differently to me now.



  126.  #128Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 5:40 am

    RE 94 (((Hugs)))) Mel. I am sure it will be alright. Believe the Universe will directly you to where you will get the best opportunities overall. Sometimes we have the wade through the muck to the other side but when we get there it will be worth it.



  127.  #129LobbyStar on July 29, 2011 at 5:45 am

    I am meeting a new CD tonight.

    I feel guarded and anxious.

    We are meeting at a restaurant, and many times he has implied or outright suggested meeting at my place. (Not happening.) I have given him the no girlfriend speech, and I’ve been clear about what I want/don’t want. He sticks around.

    He seems overly enthusiastic about meeting me, already suggesting getting together next week. I respond that maybe we should see how this first meeting goes before we plan any future dates.

    I think he really wants and may expect to have sex tonight, which I do not feel comfortable with. Feels like pressure to me. I have set up not only boundaries, but walls too. My walls are way up there, because I’m triggered by men who say they want a LTR when they really just want in my pants.

    Still, I feel I could learn much about myself by meeting him tonight. That is why I agreed to go.

    But I feel sad that I’m not particularly looking forward to it.



  128.  #130Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 5:50 am

    Lobbystar you are a sexy gorgeous woman. He is a man and might be feeling your energy from just talking. I would be surprised if he did not want that. Remember you always have the choice to say no, “I don’t have sex with strangers”. Masculine men will come on strong and your ability to share your values and speak up for yourself will inspire him to respect you.



  129.  #131Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 6:05 am

    “I believe a man can feel your energy even from far away.

    I’m all about the truth – and all about helping YOU tell the truth, no matter how scary it feels.

    The first time you try it – let it be about Little things – things that don’t make you feel terrified, but give you a little buzz of excitement in your tummy just thinking about SAYING anything about them – even the weather qualifies sometimes – if we’ve been sitting on our feelings for a long, long time.

    Try it, and let me know how it unfolds for you.

    Love, Rori



  130.  #132Brenda on July 29, 2011 at 6:07 am

    Patricia,

    RE: #122 – Thank you! I enjoyed the video, and it was a great way to start my day!



  131.  #133mel on July 29, 2011 at 6:07 am

    I have to just keep believing that the “right” thing will show up.

    I got another email today saying “I would LOVE to hire you, but actually I just hired someone a couple weeks ago. You would have been perfect!” Sigh.

    On a happier note, I was invited out for gelato by a guy at work that I don’t really know. It will be good practice. It’s just friendly (that’s GREAT) so no pressure.



  132.  #134Brenda on July 29, 2011 at 6:11 am

    Miskwa,

    RE: #128 – Wow, what you wrote is really powerful! I especially liked this sentence: “Giving up yourself to please another is tantamount to circling the drain.”

    Are you Native American? I’m part Blackfoot. It’s my favorite part of my ancestry. If you don’t mind my asking, where do you live?



  133.  #135Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 6:14 am

    As you expand yourself and your experience, and ALLOW yourself to get triggered and work through it – you’ll be amazed – you will come out the other side so much stronger than you could have ever believed.

    Love, Rori



  134.  #136Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 6:19 am

    A man will have exactly the opinion of you that YOU have of you – no matter WHAT you do!

    “Whoa…I feel like I’m not breathing…that feels so good…I feel like I’m getting ahead of myself here…I’m feeling overwhelmed…I’m feeling slower…It would feel good to slow down…”

    Just look for moments of feeling like this – and write them down with the words to say that feel exactly like the true feeiings you’re experiencing, and these moments will increase. Love, Rori

    ***This is such a universal problem for all of us – when to speak and when to be quiet, what to say, what not to say, how to say what you feel, how to say what you mean.

    So – sit down and write out some of your situations where you felt uncomfortable and totally stuck about what to say…write out what you did say and how that worked, what you stuffed down and what happened next.



  135.  #137Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 6:26 am

    Just do your best to stay out of your head and stop judging yourself constantly – keep touching things and petting yourself and hugging yourself and talking nice to yourself…

    Whenever you get in your head and anxious – just say the word FUN over and over – you’re there to have Fun – not to accomplish anything. If you catch yourself judging yourself – just say Oh well to yourself and move to happy thoughts that are TRUE.

    He LIKES you – he may even LOVE you – just do your best to keep track of your body, your sensations, and talk them into letting go.

    You can’t go wrong here, Love, Rori



  136.  #138Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 6:27 am

    RE 133 Yeah Mel. It’s coming its on its way.



  137.  #139Senior Lady Vibe on July 29, 2011 at 6:32 am

    @91: Plum

    I enjoyed the Rori Raye wise words. Was that a Rori post? If so, could post the link? I keep track of some of my favorites. (I don’t know your one second search method and it takes me more than several minutes to locate posts even when I know the titles! 😳 )

    Thanks.

    😀

    xoxo



  138.  #140Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 6:36 am


  139.  #141Ella on July 29, 2011 at 6:39 am

    Hello Sirens,

    So I am still working on my website for women and it is still very much under construction.

    But I would like it if you all pop over and have a look if you fancy.

    Its at http://www.redsirens.co.uk

    xoxoxo



  140.  #142Ella on July 29, 2011 at 6:44 am

    Hi Tinque –

    I was wondering if you would be interested in writing a small piece for my website. Either on sex (which would go under health section) or on natural skincare (which would go under the beauty section).

    We could put a link to your site. You might get some cutomers from here in the UK.

    What do you think?



  141.  #143Ella on July 29, 2011 at 6:45 am

    Hi Daria,

    I was wondering if you would be interested in writing a piece for my website too… something about emotions… whatever takes your fancy really.

    It could go under the health section.

    Let me know what you think.

    xoxox



  142.  #144Ella on July 29, 2011 at 6:46 am

    Also if any other Sirens are interested in contributing to my website let me know.

    xoxox



  143.  #145Senior Lady Vibe on July 29, 2011 at 6:46 am

    @98: Lilybelle says:
    “…If it was me, I’d have to tell my mother that I needed her to allow me to be the grown up. But having said that: lol…”

    But if you truly considered yourself grown up you wouldn’t “need her to allow you to be grown up…” LOL 😆 Ah, that is the secret…

    😀

    xoxo



  144.  #146Patricia on July 29, 2011 at 6:50 am

    132 Brenda

    oh so glad you enjoyed it! You’re welcome.

    I keep that one close by…..and listen to it whenever I need to…..it’s so powerful…..and reassuring and loving…….

    hugs. hope you have a great day Brenda…..the first day of the rest of your life !



  145.  #147miskwa on July 29, 2011 at 6:52 am

    To Brenda:
    I am Shawnee, plus one unknown tribe, two kinds of European and a tad Black. So we in part come from the same ancestral group (Algonquin family). I knew some Blackfeet when I lived in Montana. I live in Leadville, CO, not exactly the place for healthy relationships. A few of us are trying to change things, build community here but it is a struggle.



  146.  #148Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 6:52 am

    Ella the site looks beautiful. I feel a little disappointment though and thought I would share my impression. Your picture is so beautiful but the body language suggests to me a slightly shy person. I wish you had a somewhat sensual picture of yourself for the central picture instead of the one there. It also struck me that you say Please several times in what is written there. Not sure what that registers on my subconscious but I felt curious about it.



  147.  #149Senior Lady Vibe on July 29, 2011 at 7:12 am

    @99: Mel says:
    “…I don’t want to be told what to do right now. Or be made to feel like I’m an 8-year-old that needs to hold mommy’s hand to cross the street…”

    Hi Mel, “like an 8-year old” and “made to feel” are the stories that you are telling yourself. I suggest you tell your mother your plans (in broad strokes of whatever bits you want to share) and TELL HER, instead of her telling you, how you’d like her to help you. Give her something to do! Anything, I’ll bet she’ll do it: packing, cleaning, making phone calls. She’s there for you.

    You’re the adult, you run your own show. Tell her when you want space, quiet, whatever it is. Your mother cannot give you adulthood, you assume it yourself and put into practice. I used to talk to my mother just about every day but I got along best with her when I was running my own household.

    When your mother says things such as ““be careful!” or “call and let me know when you’ll be back” substitute in your mind the phrase “Take care.” That’s all she means… and possibly “I love you…” She won’t know what to DO for you until you TELL her.

    😀

    xoxo



  148.  #150Senior Lady Vibe on July 29, 2011 at 7:15 am

    @97: Brenda says:
    …I’m feeling more content working on the website for this new quasi-job…”

    😀

    xoxo



  149.  #151Senior Lady Vibe on July 29, 2011 at 7:23 am

    @103: Mel says:
    “…It’s so funny too, because I can totally feel myself acting like a teenager when she’s like this. My response to her “suggestion” that I go looking for apartments was. “I’ll do what I want after work.”

    Hahahaha. 😆 Put her to work while you have the chance. “I need you to help me” works wonders… then say what it is you want her to do. Or even buy for you… She will do more for you than husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends… Don’t miss this opportunity!

    Plus, when you start talking as “peers” and doing things together that way, it’s lots of fun.

    xoxo



  150.  #152tinque on July 29, 2011 at 7:27 am

    Ella – Your site feels lovely. I would be happy to contribute something. Let me know when you are ready.

    It would be easier and faster if you e-mail me though.

    tinque@sexandheart.com

    xxoo



  151.  #153Lilybelle on July 29, 2011 at 7:28 am

    145:

    Ahhhh….

    “Mother”/Daughter dynamics.

    And Mother in quotations is no accident.



  152.  #154tinque on July 29, 2011 at 7:29 am

    Don’t most mothers trigger their daughters in some way. Yes it’s feel easier as you get older and hopefully she mellows, but you know my mother can still get to me too.
    I just don’t allow it to sit within for more than a moment or two.

    xxoo



  153.  #155Senior Lady Vibe on July 29, 2011 at 7:32 am

    @121: Brenda says:
    “..This world is too hostile for me…”

    Yes, things can be kind of funky sometimes. That’s when I affirm that I’m not going to give over my happiness to someone else.

    In addition, I haven’t met most of the people on the planet and I believe not all of them are hostile.

    😀

    xoxo



  154.  #156Senior Lady Vibe on July 29, 2011 at 7:34 am

    @154: tinque says:
    “…Don’t most mothers trigger their daughters in some way…”

    Yes… Until.

    😀

    xoxo



  155.  #157Lilybelle on July 29, 2011 at 7:37 am

    108:

    EW~ I have been receiving these notes for YEARS. I also have the books on my nightstand.

    Isn’t it interesting that they often match what is going on in your world?



  156.  #158luzydel on July 29, 2011 at 7:37 am

    So, I have a cd on saturday with some guy, again my excpectations lever are low; but I do wantr to practice on something just to see how it works. His FB profile says he is in a relationship, again who cares really I am just going to mmet him, but I want to ask him any way.
    Or perhaps I should not ask him, most likely nothing will happen with the guy as usual it may be just another CD…

    I just dont want to bee too passive either…



  157.  #159Ella on July 29, 2011 at 7:40 am

    FW re 148

    Thanks for your feedback.

    Do you mean the main picture of the woman with dark hair? That is not me.

    Or do you mean the pic of me under the pictures section?

    I could put a pic of me as the main one, but honestly I don’t currently have any that I would feel happy to have as the main one so happy with the template one which is the woman with dark hair.

    This is my first attempt at ever doing anything like this and I am using a Weebly template, so am slightly restricted.

    If it goes well I will upgrade and get an all singing all dancing website at a later date.

    Currently it is work in progress and I will just do the best with it I can and hope it is a useful resource for women.

    Hmmm, I will look out for the word ‘please’. Not quite sure I get what you mean. Do you mean it sounds needy in some way or overpolite or something?

    I appreciate the feedback.



  158.  #160Lilybelle on July 29, 2011 at 7:40 am

    141:

    Hi Ella~

    Congrats on your new site! Looks like it’s been fun and I like the color tones. Because you said you are still working on it, I suspect the text will be looked over for typos? I can help if you want.

    I look forward to seeing it grow and will save it in my fav’s.

    xoxox



  159.  #161Yolanda Messman on July 29, 2011 at 7:41 am

    Hi Rori,

    I want to get into your program but I cannot pull up the website from my job, can I call you and get the info I need to get the program on the Relationship I want…
    Thanks!



  160.  #162Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 7:41 am

    RE 158 Is he aware you checked his FB page?



  161.  #163luzydel on July 29, 2011 at 7:43 am

    RE 162

    he asked me to be his FB friend and I accepted. I was not spying on him.



  162.  #164Senior Lady Vibe on July 29, 2011 at 7:43 am

    @140: Femininewoman

    Thanks for the link!

    😀

    xoxo



  163.  #165Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 7:44 am

    RE 159 I would love to see your picture instead of the dark colored person. I sense it would show some confidence. Also the “please” might have subliminally been “overpolite” for me. I see Lil mentioned help with typos. I noticed that but my first post felt critical to me so I hesitated mentioning that but I like how Lil offered to help rather than just tell you about it. Some healing there for me.



  164.  #166Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 7:45 am

    RE 165 No Luzydel. I just thought it was cute he was in a relationship. I am wondering if he is “separated” or maybe still living with the ex while dating? I know I won’t make up stories but I felt curious about that.



  165.  #167Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 7:47 am

    Luzydel also to let you know that one of Rori’s interviews with a Relationship Expert suggests that we might want to put up a boundary around such things. Imagine if you two begin to post things and other CDs see them, the kind of trouble it could possibly create.



  166.  #168Ella on July 29, 2011 at 7:50 am

    Hi Lillybelle,

    Thank you 🙂

    Well as it is only me working on the site I am the only one looking for typos… and as I often make them I am likely to miss the ones I’ve made if you see what I mean?

    Yes I would appreciate any help.

    xxx



  167.  #169luzydel on July 29, 2011 at 7:50 am

    RE FW 166

    He said he broke up with his GF in May, they lasted a little over a year and it seems there is no drama; sort of like no time and long distance situation (but who knows). I will go with the flow and may ask him casually if things evolve, I don’t feel icky at all about it it is just starnge that someone keeps that status. But it is just a cd and I am going to have a good time regardless what happens after.



  168.  #170Debora from Fresno on July 29, 2011 at 7:52 am

    Rori, I am trying to reach you via email and this is my fourth attempt. I am getting very frustrated that the staff have not responded to my email requests regarding the Love Scripts seminar I attended in L.A. last Nov. Please contact me!!



  169.  #171Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 7:53 am

    Re 169 Luzydel keep Fun FUN FUN in your head while you are there. No need to bring up conversation about the ex. The Interview this month suggests that it is in the 3rd stage of a relationship that people’s stuff come up that might create power struggles.



  170.  #172Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 7:55 am

    RE 170 Have you tried melanie@coachrori.com?



  171.  #173Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 7:56 am

    Luzydel Rori’s advice in 137 might help you. It recently helped me.



  172.  #174Ella on July 29, 2011 at 7:58 am

    Hi Fw re 165

    Your first post did feel a lil tiny bit critical to me too… however I shared the website and I am open to all feedback so I feel appreciative of your honesty.

    When I read it back your post I think it was only because of the word ‘disappointed’ that it felt critical, nothing else you had written.

    I felt like a school child that has worked really hard on the project and then the teacher says they are disappointed…

    I just felt a touch deflated seeing that word.

    Anyway though I am feeling fine. 🙂

    xoxox



  173.  #175Senior Lady Vibe on July 29, 2011 at 7:58 am

    @158: luzydel says:
    “…His FB profile says he is in a relationship, again who cares really I am just going to mmet him, but I want to ask him any way.
    Or perhaps I should not ask him…”

    Everyone has their own personal guidelines, one of mine is not dating married or engaged men. So, I would ask a man what he meant by “relationship” if I’d seen on FB that a guy is “in a relationship.” I’d want to know what that means and that our reasons for meeting each other are compatible.

    😀

    xoxo



  174.  #176Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 8:00 am

    Thanks Ella I see how it can be read “disappointed in you”. I will try to find another word to replace that in my vocabulary.



  175.  #177Lilybelle on July 29, 2011 at 8:05 am

    106:

    LOL!!! I won’t offer any additional thoughts on this matter but thank you for the huge laugh this morning.

    And yes, sometimes, ALL we really need is to vent.

    Taking my triggered ass out to get a mani/pedi on this gloriously beautiful day…that I so happened to take off from work.



  176.  #178tinque on July 29, 2011 at 8:06 am

    Ella – I think you are probably handling the feedback okay, but just know, it ALWAYS is like this. You are so proud of what you’ve done, you have trouble seeing the forest for the trees.

    I went through the same thing with my book. It took two years to write, and I was SO proud of it, sent it to someone I really trust, and she didn’t tear it apart, but it felt that way to me. My initial feeling was deflation.

    But I trust her, so I rewrote yet again. And I rewritten it again since, just this year even.

    Ask people you trust. If you feel very strongly about something even though most disagree, stick to your feelings, but do keep an open mind.

    xxoo



  177.  #179Lilybelle on July 29, 2011 at 8:08 am

    178:

    I believe Ella should feel HIGHLY proud and will become more so as it evloves. I think this is very exciting.

    And, I’m impressed, I wouldn’t know the first thing about creating something like that.

    I love your encouragment for her, Tinque.



  178.  #180Senior Lady Vibe on July 29, 2011 at 8:09 am

    @175: Senior Lady Vibe says:
    “…Everyone has their own personal guidelines, one of mine is not dating married or engaged men…”

    Adding on, I also don’t plan to date a man who has set up household and is living with a woman. In the past I have dated men who were separated but legally married and also one engaged men, but I’ve never dated a man who was living with a woman, married or not.

    Oh, I remember I did date one who was living with a woman… 😳 too bad for her… 😥 Long ago…

    Now… no… to all of those.

    xoxo



  179.  #181Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 8:14 am

    RE 179 Putting yourself out there can be scary. I felt proud of you Ella when I first entered the site but neglected to say it. So now I am taking the opportunity and wish that your business grows to a point that you have scheduling problems for your clients and have to hire help. All the best beautiful Siren.



  180.  #182Senior Lady Vibe on July 29, 2011 at 8:14 am

    @174: Ella

    Hi Ella, I’m excited about your web site and I haven’t seen it yet! But you got it up and live and that is an achievement. Kudos to you!!!

    I’ll take a look when “Sweetie” and I get back from our coffee run.

    Not to worry about making changes, web sites are constantly evolving. You did good! Web sites are exciting stuff… don’t you just feel it?

    😀

    xoxo



  181.  #183Ella on July 29, 2011 at 8:20 am

    Tinque,

    Thank you!

    And yes I was kinda expecting that it would be like this. When we are close to something obviously we are biased.

    It is good to get outside opinions and feedback and yet I still feel proud.

    Even a month ago I would not have even considered that I could make any kind of website… I am not a web designer.

    It was SLV that encouraged me to do it and I feel very appreciative that she did.

    I am happy to get feedback even if/when it feels negative, that is what happens when we ask for others opinions.

    And I will definitely take on board the feedback I get and yet I am still going to follow my feelings about it in the end.

    It will never be perfect but I hope it can be good/useful and encouraging to women.

    And plus it feels good just to be able to give something back. And its a place I can also advertise the various things I do.

    xoxoxo



  182.  #184Ella on July 29, 2011 at 8:21 am

    Lillybelly

    Thank you for the encouragement.

    feeling warm, goey and supported 🙂



  183.  #185Ella on July 29, 2011 at 8:25 am

    SLV

    Yep 🙂

    xoxox



  184.  #186Kyla on July 29, 2011 at 8:36 am

    Ella I love your new website and I feel excited to see it evolve 🙂

    Congratulations xx

    I’m glad you found weebly helpful!



  185.  #187miskwa on July 29, 2011 at 8:42 am

    A weird boundary question for you strong women here in email land: if one lives in a small town where you are easily recognizable and well known, how do you post an on-line profile on such a way that “locals”, the majority of whom are major dealbreakers (drug/alcohol) issues and our students here cannot figure out who I am or that I am “looking”? I do not want “problems” showing up on my doorstep. I got cyber stalked by a non-match on eHarmony that found out where I lived, worked, my appearance, contact info because I am the sole educated mixed-race woman here. On the other hand, if you put too many misleading details in your profile, you will get even worse matches than you do now. I tried services for senior daters and they feed into the larger general population sites so I wind up back to dealing with the same problem. Answers?



  186.  #188T-Girl on July 29, 2011 at 8:56 am

    Miskwa – I can see where the online dating thing would be scary for you and a bit out of the norm. Do you have any http://www.meetup.com groups in your area? That way you can join in a group of your hobby or niche or even your local singles Meetup group, and then meet people face-to-face.



  187.  #189Mel on July 29, 2011 at 9:07 am

    OMG! Another email saying “you’re great… but”

    ” Your letter certainly speaks to your beliefs and experience and you seem well suited to our school. Although there are no positions currently available I will definitely keep your resume and letter close at hand in case something come up that you are qualified for”

    So, not a closed door, but not an opening either. This seems to be the response I’m getting from everyone. So now I just have to wait for someone to unexpectedly quit or find a job elsewhere… 😉



  188.  #190T-Girl on July 29, 2011 at 9:13 am

    Mel, I believe the reason you are getting those letters is because they weren’t the job for you and it is keeping you open for the job that is meant for you.



  189.  #191Kayla on July 29, 2011 at 9:13 am

    Okay, so I have some quick questions… I just read Tinques comment about how younger men are less likely to know how to handle a relationship, so does this mean that there is really no hope for me??? Because I am pretty young, and I would like to stay in my age group when it comes to dating. Now I keep having NV’s telling me things, I guess I just have to keep remembering that they are liars (:

    And another question I have is… What should I do if I run into a man that I currently have an issue with??? Not to single him out or anything but I will use “pickup guy” for an example because he is the only one that things feel “awkward” with right now… And him and I have A LOT of mutual friends and lastnight I kissed another man in front of his friends and I know they are going to tell him… I mean that’s just what guys do, and I know him and I aren’t in a relationship and I know I told him the other night that I feel like we should be able to do whatever we want since we aren’t together.. But I know him and I know he will most likely get really upset about it and angry towards me. And usually when I am around a man that I kinda have an issue with, I sorta just act like I don’t even know him… And I’m pretty sure that’s not the right thing to do.. So what should I do?? Cuz I don’t feel like I should approach him either. I would feel soo… weak doing that.. So should I just lean back and socialize with other ppl and smile at him???? Or what? Ughh soo confusing! Lol



  190.  #192Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 9:14 am

    Wade through the muck Mel. Do the Waterwheel with that job opening. It will come. You are moving forward.



  191.  #193Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 9:17 am

    RE 191 Kayla not all guys are mature enough to handle a relationshp. How old is he? Do you know what you are looking for in a relationship or what the purpose of a relationship is?



  192.  #194DE on July 29, 2011 at 9:19 am

    Ella:

    Congratulations for creating u first website 🙂 I love the concept!

    I am currently working on realizing my 1st website for the Charity Org. meant to support the East African rural communities of orphans, widows, poor…

    I conquer with FW’s feedback about the word please…;)

    Warm hugs,



  193.  #195Mel on July 29, 2011 at 9:20 am

    T-Girl & FW,

    That’s what I was thinking too… perhaps this position just wasn’t the “one” for me. If it IS the one, then I’ve planted the seed and if something happens unexpectedly, she will call me.



  194.  #196Kayla on July 29, 2011 at 9:23 am

    @Femininewoman:
    He is 19, well what I want in a relationship, is trust, honesty, respect, communication, and love… Honestly, not really sure what the purpose of a relationship is (woww it feels weird and kinda silly to say that) but I am still pretty new at this stuff and just figuring it out.



  195.  #197Ella on July 29, 2011 at 9:24 am

    Thanks Ladies… excessive use of the word please has now been removed

    🙂



  196.  #198Kayla on July 29, 2011 at 9:25 am

    Although, if he has handled a relationship before (which he has) then that means he is mature enough to handle one now right?



  197.  #199Mel on July 29, 2011 at 9:25 am

    Ok… out to get some gelato with friendly coworker. This feels exciting!



  198.  #200DE on July 29, 2011 at 9:35 am

    Mel: #189:

    Mel, on a scale of 1 to 10 how much do you want to relocate overseas? Don’t think it…just feel the intensity the comes with the question and the answer…

    Also, on the same scale…how much do you u long/desire for a turnaround in u marriage?

    Warm hugs,



  199.  #201Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 9:37 am

    And the way to handle this, when a man unexpectedly opens up – is to tilt your head to the left, lean back a bit, and nod your head. If you say anything, let it be “wow…” or “bummer…” o r”sounds awful…” or “crap…” or – “wow, you’re so smart…” or “cool…” or “sweet…” or “great…”

    In other words – no advice, no comments, no “active listening” (feeding back what he just said), no suggestions, no anything ….

    BE there

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/communication/page/7/



  200.  #202Ella on July 29, 2011 at 9:38 am

    Quick CD type update – Still no word from J and I am feeling kinda ok with it.

    Well actually I am feeling angry and annoyed and sad but ONLY when I give it any headspace, which I am doing less and less.

    Generally I am feeling really good and happy/content/peaceful, and my vibe feels strong.

    I have my thoughts in order about the J situation for now.

    Regarding other CDs when I was out working yesterday I was thinking about just keeping my vibe up and staying in the present moment. I was just appreciating the stuff around me and drove up to a customer’s house and got out the car and there was a man there working on the garden and we locked eyes and I smiled and he just came at me.

    Oh and he is HOT!

    He had his shirt off because the weather was warm and err, how shall I say… well ‘Yummm!’ 😉

    Anyway he starts asking me questions about my work and I stayed open and smily/leaned back and we were chatting and very quickly he asked for my number.

    We have been chatting since.

    He is about my age, lives locally and runs his own landscape garden business.

    We have lots in common.

    Thats all I know so far.

    He is def masc energy. And I think he wants to take me out.

    When we spoke on the phone later he said he just couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing me again!

    Awww.

    Then there is a guy from POF. Seems nice but he has bi-polar and also TOLD me he is quite in touch with his fem side… Hmmm, we shall see.

    Oh & he doesn’t drive but is taking the bus to come and see me this weekend hopefully. I’ll see what he is like in person.

    A couple of others from POF have asked for my number too.

    Every now and again I get a NV jumping up and saying ‘but they are not J and no one will ever compare to him’ and I am saying ‘Shut the F up you… someone will outshine him totally in a way you can’t even imagine, first and foremost by BEING THERE!!!’

    So I am just going to lean back and see what this new group of men want to give me and what is up for healing.

    Have noticed a tendancy with this batch (including J) for them to talk A LOT, and often interrupt and sometimes talk a lot about themselves.

    And my feeling is annoyed/frustrated.

    I will practice speaking up when this happens and I think there is also something for me around learning to listen at level 2 and really be interested instead of zoning out.

    And I noticed when I did this with POF man earlier the conversation morphed and became more 2 sided…

    Oh and I feel excited because I have lots of plans in places where there will be lots of new CDs and old CDs who like me.

    Yay.



  201.  #203Rose on July 29, 2011 at 9:39 am

    #154 & 156 I think all mother daughter relationships are the same even very close ones, they trigger each other all the time! I know its like that with my mom..I think the triggers lessened when I had my son for some reason…I realize she is just being a mom when she is still trying to tell me what to do (what she thinks I should do).. lol



  202.  #204Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 9:43 am

    Ella remember they could be talking a lot because they are nervous and are hoping to impress you. You are too hot to be unattached.

    Lean back, unzipper your heart, drop your thoughts to your pelvis and feel.



  203.  #205Ella on July 29, 2011 at 9:48 am

    FW – Aww thanks!

    🙂



  204.  #206Kayla on July 29, 2011 at 9:49 am

    And another thing that I seriously can’t seem to quite get is like with your feelings and all that… how you aren’t supposed to hide any of your feelings from a man… but if you do express some of your feelings then it can push him away…. Like for example if I was sad that a man was mad at me, and I told him something like “I feel upset and hurt when I think that you are mad at me.” Won’t that make him think that he has all the power in the relationship??? Which isn’t attractive at all… But then again it’s how I’m feeling so aren’t I supposed to share it?… These type of things make me feel confused and frustrated all the time.. Like right now I feel very frustrated about it because it’s like I’m stuck… I never completely know whether I should tell a man how I’m feeling about something or whether I shouldn’t. . . Someone plzz help me understand a little bit better!



  205.  #207Kayla on July 29, 2011 at 9:53 am

    Or maybe you can tell him how you are feeling but you have to express it in a way that doesn’t come off as you being the weaker one, or clingy, or anything like that… For ex: Instead of saying “I feel hurt and sad when I think that you are mad at me.” I could say something like “I feel hurt and sad when I think there is tension between us, and I don’t like that feeling.”



  206.  #208DE on July 29, 2011 at 9:59 am

    Ella:

    Yesterday, u posted a comment asking yourself what the message could J be for u…

    I thought of it…cause i ask myself the same question often 🙂

    Ella, is it possible the message from J for u is to experience how it feels to be alive, fun, carefree? Is it possible to imagine meeting a partner who would bring these feelings within u and much more?

    My J brought similar feelings within me…He is fun, energetic, charismatic, great lover, affectionate, resilient that in ‘good’ times brought the best of me…these were his good qualities that I still seek in a compatible mate very much soo…

    Warm hugs,



  207.  #209Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 10:02 am

    Kayla I believe I asked you if you have the book before. These little things would be clear if you did.

    Take the “yous” out of your speech. Also read around the blog through the different categories. You will see enough examples of speeches to get a bit of a hang of it.

    Also a 19 year old might not know much about relationships or himself to be able to honor yours. A relationship is partially about getting to know oneself. At that age I believe people have a long way to go.



  208.  #210DE on July 29, 2011 at 10:05 am

    Jeannette:

    Jeannete, u posted some awesome comments the other day…I felt smiley reading about u feeling silly for having jealousy feelings towards Steve’s ex…

    I feel glad you are expressing these emotions within u…this is very healthy…it would help you find healing sooner…

    I would still love to read a letter from u to Steve and one that u would imagine Steve write to u 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  209.  #211DE on July 29, 2011 at 10:10 am

    Alias Girl #53:

    Hmm…I read u post and I felt smiling… I like bluntness…I relate to it…it’s a familiar language to me…

    in the same context as to Ella’s situation…had u said the same to me..i would not feel ouch…interesting…

    I noticed when there is a positive rapport already established between two people, the bluntness, or criticism is much easily accepted than when there is no positive rapport…in that situation, the walls do go up…defenses…as in saying “I don’t know u…what is u intent? I don’t feel close to you” I feel suspicious, judged…etc…” or there is also the expectation of “u are my friend…u are supposed to support me, not beat me up…etc…”

    Do it to me, do it to me AG…lets see…lol

    Warm hugs,



  210.  #212Kayla on July 29, 2011 at 10:20 am

    FW:
    It seems like you are saying that this information is useless to me because of my age.



  211.  #213Daria on July 29, 2011 at 10:24 am

    i have my redtime ! wow! go meee!

    thank you goddess and body



  212.  #214DE on July 29, 2011 at 10:31 am

    Kayla:

    If I were you, I would take the opportunity to express my feelings…how does it feel to think that someone would suggest the information is useless to me because of my age?

    On a different note, FW’s efforts seem very gracious, generous, and very patient towards you…and I really don’t believe she is suggesting the information is useless to u…

    Learning to use Rori’s tools, it would help you find U authentic self first…that would inspire the right man for you…

    It is hard to say whether a 19 years old man knows what he wants, etc…and what we do here is NOT trying to FIGURE OUT A MAN in any shape or form…but rather learn to FIGURE OUT ourselves and get WHAT we want…and it may or it may not be a 19 years old 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  213.  #215Mel on July 29, 2011 at 10:31 am

    DE

    I would rate my desire to reconcile my marriage at about an 7-8. BUT… he doesn’t want this at all.. so I’m just trying my best to move on. The reason I wouldn’t give it a 10 is that even if he DID want to reconcile, I would have some reservations because I deserve to have someone that truly wants to be with me and is committed “in sickness/health” not just a “fair weather” mate. I feel like if we reconciled tomorrow, it would be the “easy” choice but not necessarily the best one.

    So keeping that in mind… right now a reconciliation isn’t really a possibility and therefore not a real “choice”…

    So now to move over seas… I would rate this a 10. it’s something I actually feel excited about. I have an adventurous spirit, I like to discover new things. And I could actually teach (which I love). And I think I really just need to focus on ME right now.



  214.  #216Kayla on July 29, 2011 at 10:38 am

    Well it makes me feel… hopeless and sad. And I know FW has helped me out a bunch (: Thank you FW…



  215.  #217DE on July 29, 2011 at 10:38 am

    MEL #215:

    Oh, Mel, I feel a concerned…

    U answers were exactly what I thought it keeps u from getting what u want…

    U are turn between the two…and the desire of reconcilaition is still very high…which means u energy is still into it…

    The overseas…is an ESCAPE ROUTE…it’s not really a heart desire…:(

    Hmm…remember, until u are able to imagine leaving the life u want…u wont’ be able to create it…and at this moment…u heart is split…:(

    Somehow, u have to release one or the other…and guess what…u might get both…EFT could really help u clear the energy that keep u stuck …

    Warm hugs,



  216.  #218DE on July 29, 2011 at 10:43 am

    Kayla #216:

    That is awesome…so sad, hopeless…maybe confused?

    Confused is great…that means our minds are open to accept new information and create a breakthrough in our belief system…:)

    warm hugs,



  217.  #219Lilybelle on July 29, 2011 at 10:44 am

    210:

    DE~

    I have a few words that I would like to use to describe you as *I* see you and have learned from our interactions on and off blog..

    Beautiful, compassionate, fabulous, Goddess.

    You inspire me.

    ~Lil



  218.  #220Lilybelle on July 29, 2011 at 10:46 am

    184:

    I support you no less than 150%, Elle.



  219.  #221Lilybelle on July 29, 2011 at 10:49 am

    180:

    Me too, to all three of those plus:

    I don’t feel inspired to date a man who is freshly divorced or in the middle of said divorce.

    My experience has taught me well..



  220.  #222DE on July 29, 2011 at 10:49 am

    Lilybelle #219:

    Aww….i feel really touched…thank you 🙂

    I feel smiley reading it, cause we are only a projection of ourselves…i am a reflection of you beautiful self Liybelle 🙂 and that I B.E.L.I.E.V.E!

    Warm loving hugs,



  221.  #223Lilybelle on July 29, 2011 at 10:51 am

    168:

    Elle~

    Whenever you are ready and would like me to review…just say the word and I’ll do it.

    Email me at blueyedgirl63@yahoo if you so desire.

    I’m here for ya!

    This is going to be so beautiful and such a reflection of you, girl!



  222.  #224Lilybelle on July 29, 2011 at 10:55 am

    181:

    OH YES, FW~ So busy that Ella will need help and have to hire! WHOO HOO

    Send THAT message out to the Universe.

    WOW!!!



  223.  #225Lilybelle on July 29, 2011 at 10:57 am

    189:

    Oh Mel~ It’s coming girl, it’s coming. I can’t WAIT to see what it is and where too!!!

    Hold that thought.



  224.  #226Lilybelle on July 29, 2011 at 11:06 am

    202:

    True to form, I zero’d in on shirtless, hot, LandscaperDude. 😉

    He sounds yummy and I loved what he said to you.

    Yum!



  225.  #227LobbyStar on July 29, 2011 at 11:18 am

    I must be sending my energy out into the Universe, because in the last couple days, TWO men that I went out with last Aug/Sept have sent me messages, wanting to see me again.

    One of them is a doctor who wants to get me a passport!

    OMG!



  226.  #228alias girl on July 29, 2011 at 11:27 am

    #211 DE lol. aw. i feel softened by your response.



  227.  #229Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 11:34 am

    Kayla says “It seems like you are saying that this information is useless to me because of my age”.

    ___________________________________________________

    I asked you what was his age because I was thinking about CCarter’s reference to a man-boy and how maturity levels affect how men act. I don’t remember asking you about your age or if you had shared that information.



  228.  #230alias girl on July 29, 2011 at 11:45 am

    my thirdtrycd hung up on me. i guess we’re not going hiking. lol.

    his plan was vague. the plan was..he said “i’ll call you at ten.” does this mean we hike at eleven? noon? three? six pm???

    so i went along with vague and i told him i might still be in bed. he said ok. and that’s exactly what happened. but he seemed a little annoyed.

    and then he wanted to pick me up and i said i feel uncomfortable with that. he said I could trust him. i told him maybe and that i will find that out in time.

    and then he made some comment and i told him i felt annoyed. and he said we didn’t have to go hiking if i didn’t want.

    huh?

    i can’t express feeling annoyed at a rude comment said in a rude way? all of a sudden the whole thing is collapsed? i didn’t even know how to respond so i was just silent for a minute and then he hung up.



  229.  #231DE on July 29, 2011 at 11:59 am

    Alias Girl:

    Aww…u are describing some of my phone dialogues to the T…lol and yes, i have had a few hung up…or i hung up because i didn’t feel good …

    and guess what…they come back 🙂

    last nite, i had another scheduled date…that didn’t follow up to confirm…so, i didn’t call him/txt either…and guess what? we didn’t meet 🙂

    but, like always, i already had plan B…which was salsa dancing and meeting up with my girl 🙂

    i feel certain he will call very soon…lol…and then, hmm…again the “courtship” bees will have to be spelled out…in the form of feeling messages 🙂

    i feel a bit anxious ab it…but since i’ve done it a few times already, i feel so much more comfortable…and like a Diva 🙂 okay, okay…getting there!!!

    Thank you for sharing these experiences…:)

    Warm hugs,



  230.  #232Senior Lady Vibe on July 29, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    @197: Ella

    I took a look at your blog. You’ve done a lot of work there; I was surprised you had so much. It looks good, especially wonderful that it’s your first web site! I am impressed and in a good way. You can tweak here and there as much as you like.

    Keep up the good work. Overall well done.

    😀

    xoxo



  231.  #233Mel on July 29, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    DE, (Re: 217)

    I see what you mean. The hard thing is that getting “over” a 10 year marriage will take a long time. Especially since I didn’t want it to end. I’m trying my best and I’m getting stronger, but I see an “escape” as a way to HELP me get over it and release it. Because it’s the only thing right now that actually makes me feel hopeful. Something that I actually WANT. All of the other choices just make me feel ill. Sure I wouldn’t be married anymore, but at least I could be teaching (I can’t even get on the sub list here because there are so few jobs), I’d fulfill my dream of traveling, and I could take some time to find myself again. These things make me smile.

    This is SO hard!



  232.  #234alias girl on July 29, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    @233 mel did you see the movie, Eat Love Pray? or did you read the book?

    i feel very supportive of your heart’s desires.



  233.  #235alias girl on July 29, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    231 DE thanks. 🙂 i feel appreciative of reading other’s experiences also. it helps me learn and also to kind of see how to handle different situations.

    Plan B’s are always a good idea. especially if it’s going to be a date I feel excited about, that way if it doesn’t happen i don’t go into the pits, i just go to plan b and have a good time.

    if it’s a casual date or a cd that i feel meh about then i don’t usually need a plan b.

    i feel curious if this thirdtrycd date would have worked out better if i had sort of locked him into a specific time but it felt like too much work. and this guy already has a flaky history with me so meh. i feel bored even thinking about it anymore…

    i like this cding stuff. i used to dread it. it feels a little fun to me now.

    i really do work better with specific plans rather than vague. maybe i will say that next time. to me ‘vague’ is barely happening in my mind and so i am probably not going to prepare for it or take it seriously.



  234.  #236Susan on July 29, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    RE: 94: Mel

    Mel, your mother and my mother are psychic twins. She has done exactly the same things to me. She told me to be careful crossing the street and I was in my 40’s at the time.

    I eventually learned to half listen and nod a lot while going about my business. If I tell her to stop obsessing over me, she just feels hurt. When I nod and make non committal noises without actually answering her meddling, she thinks I am answering her and I still do what I need to do without feeling like I need to defend myself all the time. It’s the only way I can cope with her.

    One thing about spending time with a woman like this… It makes it VERY clear where we learned to over-function, doesn’t it? My mother (who I love dearly) is the queen of over-functioning!



  235.  #237luzydel on July 29, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    @ 175 SLV

    I am just going to a restaurant to meet a guy from POF, who I know just very little. Is he in a relationship? just broke up? Still hung up on her?

    Who cares, the truth is that he wants to take me to dinner, and treat me nice this saturday, he txts me nice things and I feel good. I am not going to go crazy for something like this and again I have met plenty of men and it has not gotten anywhere, but I had a good time and a nice conversation. So if he is in a relationship or not it is not my issue right now. He wants to treat me nice on Saturday and I deserve it. I am not the one breaking any “rules” here 😉



  236.  #238Senior Lady Vibe on July 29, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    @187: miskwa says:
    “…if one lives in a small town where you are easily recognizable and well known, how do you post an on-line profile on such a way that “locals”, the majority of whom are major dealbreakers (drug/alcohol) issues and our students here cannot figure out who I am …
    ….I tried services for senior daters and they feed into the larger general population sites so I wind up back to dealing with the same problem. Answers?…”

    If the majority of locals in my small town were “major dealbreakers” and I were serious about “having the relationship I wanted…” I’d focus my attention elsewhere.

    Life is short. I would consider where my kind of men might be located. I’d target the nearest large city (or other location/s of choice), direct my campaign there and relocate if and when possible.

    😀

    xoxo



  237.  #239DE on July 29, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    Mel:

    Mel, i did not experience such a committed relationship where the man does not want to be with me no more…so, i don’t fully know how it feels …i can however, emphatise and put myself in your shoes…

    I would very much feel “not good enough”…”abandoned”…”rejected”…un-trustful of myself (cause i chose being him in the first place)…just to name a few…

    I would really use tapping to work on these feelings…i have worked on putting together a few tapping compositions on these issues in excel format…i can share them with u if u have an email…u can tweak it to u own situation…

    After these feelings of rejections…I would also tap on “Feeling overwhelmed with letting go of this relationship…” and “Feeling undeserving/or maybe stuck for creating the happiness for myself which means being COMMITTED to myself…TRYING is NOT ENOUGH”…

    It is nothing wrong with wanting a wonderful reconciliation or having hope it would happen…however, staying in a negative energy is…

    through tapping we learn to acknowledge them, love them…and open our minds to new way of thinking and believing in ourselves…that Yes, we can…

    Warm hugs,



  238.  #240Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    Mel I might be wrong but here goes, it seems you are focused on his words and seems that recently what you have written about his actions seem to contradict those words. I am wondering if that was how he was feeling in that moment. Now that you have taken your attention off of him and back onto you……



  239.  #241Plum on July 29, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    When Sex Disappears – Circular Date

    We all have this belief that men want sex. And so we worry about having sex with them, and we worry about the significance of sex, and we gauge our attractiveness and desirability by whether or not he wants to have sex with us.

    But something happens that destroys that belief – we come up against men who suddenly don’t want sex. They don’t initiate, they still want to date us, they still want to be married to us, but they don’t seem interested in sex.

    This throws such a wrench into things for us – because sex is often, we think – the thing we most have to offer.

    We think it’s the thing he most wants, automatically – and so – if THAT goes – we’re lost.

    Here’s a letter from Krista, who’s going through this with her boyfriend, but I’ve heard this story from so many married women – and…I was once there myself, and “fixed” it….:

    “Hi Rori,

    We emailed a few weeks ago. I have purchased your Have The Relationship You Want ebook and your Modern Siren program. I am working through thebook and have listened to the first disc of Modern Siren so far. I have been practicing the the materials and I emailed with you regarding a private session. You suggested that i work through the materials for a bit first, practicing everything, and I have. I think that I’d still like a session with you privately, but might wait another week or so.

    I have noticed a little difference in my Man. He does seem to respond well to the feelings messages. But, sometimes he just doesn’t respond. We just had our 1 year anniversary (dating not marriage) and we went out, but he didn’t buy me flowers or a gift. I got him a card. I felt disappointed, so the next morning I said exactly that…I feel disappointed. He asked why and I told him that I thought maybe I’d get flowers as I did on our 6th month anniversary. I told him I wasn’t saying it to make him feel bad, but I wanted to share with him and be honest about how I felt. He actually REALLY appreciated me telling him that…he actually used those words.

    So, the problem I have now is that he hasn’t initiated sex in months. Before I ordered your problem I brought it up a couple of times after the new year, asking if he was still attracted to me and he said yes (laughing because he thought that was ridiculous), and that he goes through phases with sex….I don’t know if I believe him. I think it has to do with how he feels about us. Seems weird for a guy.

    So, last week, using a feelings message I said….”I feel undesired, not udesirable, but undesired.” He said I was desired, but then I clarified it by saying “I mean sexually.” He started to say something…”I..” and then he just said….”it’s going to be fine…or everything is going to be fine.” That’s all he said. It eased my mind for a little bit, but I just think it’s not good for us to go so long without sex. What do you think is going on?

    I’m wondering if I should let it ride out longer until he makes a move for sex, or if I should use the “want….don’t want” message you speak of in the ebook and say something like…..”I want sex. Or, I don’t want the kind of relationship where we don’t have sex.” I guess my question is…..Is this something to LET BE for the immediate future, or should I bring this subject up with your direction? Ideally, I want him to want me again….I know you know what I mean. How will that happen?

    I’d love some advice! Also, it’s ok to work through the ebook along side the Modern Siren program, right?
    Thank you, Krista”
    ________________________________________

    And here’s my answer:

    Krista – here’s what I’m going to tell you, and I want to give you a “heads-up” that it’s going to throw you.

    At this point, he’s trying to figure out what he wants with you for the long term – marriage – and not having sex means he’s thinking it’s not going to happen.

    What you need to do NOW!!! – and I mean right now – is DATE OTHER MEN. Yes. I know it scares you.

    You need to start flirting – this is what Targeting Mr. Right is all about – but I don’t want to overwhelm you with programs. This is Circular Dating. For now – just flirt – use all your Siren and the ebook Tools to smile at men, use the Rori Raye Dance Position, practice feeling messages.

    If a man should start a conversation and ask for your number, give him your business card (it’s such an easy and inexpensive thing to get a card made online – even if you don’t have a business, make a card and put your picture on it! – go to vista.com or overnightprints.com – that’s what they used to call in olden days a “calling card”), or say your email address – let him get a pencil and write it all down. GIVE YOUR CONTACT INFO TO HIM.

    Then, when someone actually calls or emails you, you can make a lunch date, or a walking date or a coffee date – and you don’t need permission from this man you are not married to.

    If you want to talk about it – say simply that you’ve been getting asked out, you’ve been getting invitations, and though you love him, you aren’t comfortable with the way things are sexually, and so unless he wants to work with that, perhaps get counseling and talk about marriage – you feel better keeping your options open.

    This is a version of the “No Girlfriend” speech…and it’s high time you did this.

    The end of sex is a big red flag.

    In a marriage, it often needs intervention by a therapist who’s actually a sex therapist. In a dating relationship at the point you’re at – 1 year – – it’s often the signal of the end of the relationship.

    It means there’s anger – and that you need to be brilliant with the Siren Tools to open that up.

    And sometimes it means there’s another woman. Perhaps only emotionally so, but still another woman.

    Sometimes it means the man is actually gay or bisexual. Sometimes it means the man is having erection difficulties. Often it means he’s having emotional or work challenges that are shutting him down.

    No matter what’s going on with HIM – the solution is the same for YOU.

    Please, please do this Circular Dating and do not waste any more of your time staying stuck in this place.

    In the book, you’ll find how I worked through this. There was so much pain, anxiety and anger and disappointment in my marriage, it felt unfixable.

    But it wasn’t unfixable – I was able to fix this in weeks with the Tools I share with you in my ebook and programs.

    I was a terrified, crumb-taking, passive-aggressive, say-anything-but-the-truth kind of woman, and so I KNOW if I could get my marriage back on track and sexy again – so can YOU at this early stage of your relationship.

    I was lucky. My man was able to do intimacy. He loved, and continues to love me – so he really wanted our marriage to be great, he just didn’t know what was wrong (he didn’t even know anything was wrong!).

    When I opened up the walls that were between us emotionally, and stopped making him wrong (even indirectly and “gently”) so he could relax and trust me – everything changed so fast I had no choice but to realize the problem at the root of everything was MY inability to do intimacy.

    As I worked on me, our marriage just got better and better and better every day.

    We can talk about anything now. If there’s ever something “buried” – I know it’s MY job to bring it to the surface.

    Circular Dating will raise your confidence level (even if you only talk to other men and don’t actually date them) – so that you’ll be more able to speak the truth to this man.

    If he’s physically capable, if he’s primarily heterosexual, and he’s still with you and not with another woman – and I hear that he is – you can do this!

    Love, Rori

    written by Rori Raye
    Monday, 3 May 2010 @ 10:32am



  240.  #242tinque on July 29, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    Kayla – You are never too young to learn this. I think FW is wanting to point out to you, and I agree, that it would be unlikely to find the love of your life, your forever guy at nineteen, but this doesn’t mean you can’t have fun, learn a lot, and maybe even have a relationship for awhile IF he’s ready, if you are ready.

    “I feel hurt and sad when I think there is tension between us, and I don’t like that feeling.”

    This was much better than the first one, yet I would tweak more:

    “I feel hurt and sad when I feel tensions between us, and I don’t want to feel like this with you.”

    A “can you help” would work in there too.

    xxoo



  241.  #243Daria on July 29, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    so i liked nyguy’s rap on fb

    and then i felt surprised to see him like my picture that i just uploaded

    and THEN! even more surprised to see him write

    “i miss you boo, be safe out there”

    wow!!!

    i have not contacted him and was not feeling particularly attached or anything at this point… just felt smily to see his words online when i liked them

    yay!



  242.  #244Wildflower on July 29, 2011 at 2:49 pm

    Uuuugh I just did something that felt really difficult and I feel worried about it. I just told this man (who I really like) that I don’t want to drive to his house because it feels like work and I would feel invested in some sort of outcome which feels needy and stressful and I don’t want that. I told him I want to feel relaxed around him. (I also told him I feel excited to see him and I feel tempted to drive there anyway because he’s really handsome). At first he seemed really irritated and was like, “I don’t get it do you not want to come over?” I said I want to see him I just don’t want to drive. He asked me what I wanted then. I was tempted to say I want you to pick me up but I just reitereated I don’t want to drive but I do want to see him (since I didn’t want to tell him what to do). He then asked if I wanted him to pick me up. I said that would feel really nice and I would appreciate it. His voice got softer and he said ok I’ll come pick you up. I have to admit I feel really nervous about this. The last man (who I had a crush on) stepped up for one date and then I never heard from him again. I feel nervous this guy is going to think I’m a drama queen. I feel drama queenish as much as I hate to admit that. I wonder if this driving thing isn’t such a big deal to me after all. Or maybe I feel nervous because I’m sticking up for myself? It’s just that sometimes when the guys vanish it feels like negative reinforcement rather than positive, yeah this is working. Yes I am circular dating, yes I am doing the tools, but still. I get that I have to be willing to accept no for an answer. Does anyone know what I’m talking about? I don’t want to sound negative but I HAVE to vent or I”m going to feel CRAZY!!



  243.  #245Wildflower on July 29, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    Ok here goes.
    I need to establish boundaries and not be afraid to enforce them
    It would feel nice to have a strong inside so that I could radiate confidence.
    It feels nice and calming to think about radiating confidence. I can feel time slow down. My nasty voice is saying who the heck are you kidding he is going to dump you for being a crazy, unacommodating freak. I love the scared part of me that feels afraid to stick up for myself. I can feel butterflies in my tummy–I love the butterflies. Now I can feel a tightness in my chest and throat–I love the tightness. It feels nice to think about being calm and centered on the inside. My nasty voice is saying you don’t even know what your boundaries are and now my chest is feeling tight again…I love my tightness. Now my neck is feeling tight…thankyou neck for letting me know what’s going on. I’m feeling sleepier.



  244.  #246Mel on July 29, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    Here’s the thing I’m stuck on DE… I don’t understand how it’s possible to hold out hope for a reconciliation AND focus on me at the same time. I guess it’s because at this point I don’t think there is much hope… so it’s just really painful? Also I think if there IS any hope for the two of us, it will take me moving on for him to realize what he’s losing. Right now he doesn’t think he’s losing anything. I beg to differ (I think I’m a great wife). But it’s not my job to convince him of that. He has to come to that conclusion on his own… if he even does.

    FW, while he has been acted somewhat interested in my life, I don’t know that things have changed for him at all. I have to believe that he meant what he said unless he tells me otherwise.

    Susan, yes it certainly does show me where the overfunctioning bit comes from. For me it’s not so much an all the time every time habit, but I certainly see myself overfunctioning when I sense something is “off.” Gives me some empathy for my husband. It sucks to be treated like you can’t do things on your own. Although I think for me it was more being “nice” than trying to “mother” but maybe it all feels the same.



  245.  #247Mel on July 29, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    Oh… and I don’t really understand the tapping thing. Can someone give a good explanation?



  246.  #248Kayla on July 29, 2011 at 3:35 pm

    Thank you Tinque for your advice. And I know FW I realize that you were just trying to help and I’m sorry.



  247.  #249Kayla on July 29, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    How does this sound??

    “You make me feel really happy and I love the feeling I get when we spend time together. It’s just that I feel confused when we aren’t in a relationship but we act as if we aren’t allowed to do anything with anyone else.. And I understand why you would be upset about me kissing another guy, but we aren’t together. I feel like there is tension between us and I don’t want to feel this way with you. Sooo what do you think we should do?”



  248.  #250Kayla on July 29, 2011 at 3:52 pm

    My nasty voices are telling me that he won’t miss me, that he will just forget about me and move on with no feelings at all, that he won’t even consider trying to talk to me because I was never anything to him…

    This feels horrible, no this feels good, because I know they are lying and the exact opposite is true (: It might take a while but he will eventually come, and if he doesn’t.. Well I will move on like I have several other times, it feels good to be so sure that I can move on, I’ve done it many times before, this feels reassuring. All of a sudden I am feeling more confident… Until the nasty voices come back.



  249.  #251Susan on July 29, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    RE: 249: Kayla

    I am not an expert on the way Rori teaches, but I think we are not to ask what they think when we define a boundary. It’s our boundary. I’d delete the last sentence. JMHO.



  250.  #252English Woman on July 29, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    #122 Patricia

    Thank You, I LOVE Esther Hicks 🙂



  251.  #253English Woman on July 29, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    #157 Lilybelle

    Yes many times there is just so much synchronicty it is scary LOL!!



  252.  #254Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    RE 246 Mel your first para feels like you are doing a lot of thinking for him. Just my impression. I am sure that when things change for him, he will let you know. Though you also have to realize that many guys keep silent about how they are feeling, they just act. If you ask them many times they say they don’t know.



  253.  #255DE on July 29, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    Mel #246:

    U said:”Here’s the thing I’m stuck on DE… I don’t understand how it’s possible to hold out hope for a reconciliation AND focus on me at the same time. I guess it’s because at this point I don’t think there is much hope… so it’s just really painful? Also I think if there IS any hope for the two of us, it will take me moving on for him to realize what he’s losing. Right now he doesn’t think he’s losing anything. I beg to differ (I think I’m a great wife). But it’s not my job to convince him of that. He has to come to that conclusion on his own… if he even does.”
    ******************************
    I feel apprehensive to respond cause my 1st reaction is to say “Forget it!!!! cause u don’t get it!!! not because u can’t, but because u don’t want to…”

    Mel, u said u hold on hope, i did not…u gave it a 7 or 8…u confusion streams from u indecisiveness and resistance to take a stand;

    Being committed to myself means moving somewhere else even if that means living with my parents till I figure myself out and/or find a job…

    yet, u stay here…because u still hold on hope (and i have a hitch that somehow u want to punish him by still being here)…when u ready to move on and really commit to focus on yourself…u just DO…u don’t look for excuses not to…

    I sense resistance and hmm…i feel dismissed and judged as not having the “authority” and “knowledge” to help u…and yes, u are right, someone else might inspire u to want to explore u reasons for resistance…

    We talked about tapping many times on the blog and shared numerous links of videos and expert information…

    okay, taking a big breaths in…

    yep, i feel annoyed…turned off from desiring to help…yep, yep…yep

    thank u for the reminder…don’t volunteer to help unless u are asked…



  254.  #256Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    Wildflower Rori has an article about bringing out your inner drama queen. Make peace with her she is there to take care of you. Most people don’t know their boundaries until they get pushed, and some guys are very good at pushing those boundaries. I became aware of mine over time.



  255.  #257Femininewoman on July 29, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    Tapping susanquinn.net



  256.  #258Mel on July 29, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    255:

    DE: Sorry if my response annoyed you. That was certainly not my intention. Honestly, it’s because I don’t understand. And I think, perhaps, I was misunderstood.

    I don’t stay here at the moment for any other reason except that here I have a job and can support myself. Being independent and responsible is very important to me. I have debt that needs to be paid regardless of whether or not I am working and that is not something I can expect anyone else to pay for me. My parents are not well off and have debts of their own.

    If I had a job offer from anywhere else, I would leave tomorrow. If I get nothing, I will move into a tiny place I can afford at the end of August. The lease here expires then so I will have to leave anyways.

    What you said to me earlier actually makes a lot of sense. That Because I have hopes for a reconciliation, that a lot of energy (if only just mental right now) is devoted to that. I was just confused because in order for me to be able to fully let him go, I need to move on. I need to do something that brings me happiness, not extra grief. So I’m in this state of being where I’m hurting and that is taking up a lot of energy, but what I need (to get away) is just out of reach.

    Anyway… of course your advice is welcome. And I do appreciate it.



  257.  #259Mel on July 29, 2011 at 4:49 pm

    The reason I don’t find a tiny place now and just leave, is that I would be required to sign a 1-year lease and because I would rather go abroad (if I could) I want to avoid that unless it’s absolutely necessary.



  258.  #260DE on July 29, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    Thank u Mel…after i expressed my frustration…i noticed i feel better…and don’t hold resentment…

    Being independent and responsible are great qualities Mel!

    This is a great opportunity to use u boy power… and negotiate u way out in an awesome way…

    He wants out more than u do…thus, u have the power…

    i would negotiate signing the docs and giving him the “freedom” by Him assuming all the debt…but that is me…food for thought…

    warm hugs,



  259.  #261Mel on July 29, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    DE

    Great minds think alike! I already negotiated that with him. 🙂 I didn’t feel it was fair for me to continue to pay for his student debt when I will never see any benefits from it. The only debt I agreed to take was the tiny bit that is left of my own student debt, and the small balance on my own credit card. But these things still require a couple hundred dollars each month and I couldn’t expect anyone else in my family to pick up the tab.

    So… I honestly do still feel a bit stuck though DE. I know that I need to move on. I think going away would be my best chance of doing that. But obviously there is still a lot of mental energy tied up into my husband that I still love, but know I need to get over.

    As for tapping… I don’t always read all of the posts, so I don’t really know much about it. I see FW posted a website. Do you have others?



  260.  #262Mel on July 29, 2011 at 5:09 pm

    And I would like it if you shared your spreadsheet with me, but I’m not sure how to use it (because I don’t understand how tapping works or how to do it).



  261.  #263Mel on July 29, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    Is tapping something I should ask my therapist about? Or would I have to see a special practitioner?



  262.  #264Mel on July 29, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    Or do i do it on my own?



  263.  #265DE on July 29, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    Mel:

    I would have him assume all the debt…he was/is the husband …Are u sure u couldn’t find a room to stay with someone temporarily without having to face him every day? This must be painful…and I really believe is what keeps u from moving fwd…

    There are many practitioners that give E*FT sessions…I worked on it myself…by reading the material…yet, i believe is worth the money to have at least one session with a professional…C*arol Look and Marg*aret Ly*nch, are two very knowledgeable professionals on EF*T (Emotional freedom technique also known as tapping)…u can Google them and find their websites.

    Warm hugs,



  264.  #266Mel on July 29, 2011 at 5:31 pm

    DE,

    Thanks for the resources! I think I’ve found a couple practitioners in my area. I’m going to call around to inquire.

    Thankfully, he is hardly ever around. And this entire week he has been staying with friends because my mom’s been in town and he didn’t want to be here.

    But I agree about seeing him. Once this week he asked me if I could drop off something for him that he forgot. It was on my way to work, so I agreed. But just seeing him for those 3 minutes was enough to make my stomach feel tight and for my mental state drop 5 points.

    Because we are obligated to pay rent on this place for one more month (and my name is on the lease) I can’t really afford to go elsewhere for now. But… I am trying to find places to go and things to do that get me out of the house as much as possible. Next weekend, I’m trying to arrange a trip to a nearby city to see a friend for the weekend, and perhaps the weekend after I will go camping or something. But I agree… seeing him is not ideal.

    Wherever I end up, it will definitely be much easier not to have to see him. Out of sight out of mind (or at least more so).

    This week, at least I’ve been able to think about him less. I haven’t contacted him on my own at all. I have only responded to his texts if I felt like it.

    And staying with my mother for the week has at least made me realize the option of staying here on my own isn’t as bad as I thought it was. LOL. Now perhaps moving in with her has been rearranged to last choice. 😉



  265.  #267Mel on July 29, 2011 at 5:36 pm

    Cool… EFT has been studied:

    http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19913760



  266.  #268Emoticon on July 29, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    #125 Daria, its difficult with her sometimes. I even c my dad getting angry/annoyed. And reading this blog shows me what she is doing wrong and what I am doing wrong. I have worked on keeping silent and choosing my words carefully, but I want to teach her 2 b more Sireny for her and my father’s sake!!



  267.  #269Plum on July 29, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    Mel

    *** Although I think for me it was more being “nice” than trying to “mother” but maybe it all feels the same. ***

    I remember you telling rusty that your husband was angry at you last week and you could not understand how he would be angry when you were being so nice. You asked if he wanted you to hate him.
    On the same thread, you illustrated how nice you are by the fact that you are still living in the same house with him. You said you are too nice to let him handle alone the cost of the rent, you are staying for his own good.

    He is a lawyer, he makes more money than you and his career is going on up. I doubt he needs your help to pay the rent. If you had left right away, he would have found a solution. He can either borrow money for a couple of months until he can pay by himself or he can invite a work mate to live with him.
    If you had told him to move out, he would also have found a solution.
    On the other hand the one in no man’s land is you.

    You were not being true to yourself when you said you were sacrificing for his own good.

    It felt embarrassing that a woman who does not know what next month will be made of, says she is worrying and acting to protect a man’s interest instead of taking care of herself. Specially when the man’s decision sends her to be homeless soon.

    That could be what translates into anger or impatience from him when you think you are being nice.

    I feel happy to read today you now are getting closer to your truth. You let go off the idea he is a baby husband who can’t make it without his mummy who is better person than him.
    It feels good to read that you stay in the house for YOUR own reasons. You are taking care of YOUR interest.
    Or almost
    I would ask a lawyer about this money thing, I am sure your husband will have to financially help you move in somewhere, he can’t just dump you alone thousand kilometers away from the place he married you. And why did you ever pay part of his student loan? Check if you can get it back.

    xxx



  268.  #270Mel on July 29, 2011 at 6:13 pm

    With all respect, Plum… this does not accurately reflect our financial situation. I don’t really want to get into details, but it is actually true that without my income, he wouldn’t have been able to pay the rent on his own. Not until he starts his new job. I currently make more than him as he is doing his articles this year.



  269.  #271Mel on July 29, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    And of course our rent is more then either of us can afford on our own.



  270.  #272Plum on July 29, 2011 at 6:45 pm

    Mel

    The preferred activity of the mind is to make us feel miserable. Unless we outsmart the mind 😉
    Hundreds ways to do that.
    EFT is one of them.
    It is like crutches some people need while they learn how to walk on their own.
    Check this guy.
    http://www.youtube.com/user/HealingMagic#p/u/17/jJTEqozJ9aQ
    He reduced the “magic” movements and the “magic “ words of EFT. It’s called Faster EFT
    I don’t do any of these things, but I find interesting this guy’s explanations, they are in alignment with Katie Byron’s world and mine. I like him. I won’t do the “ceremony” lol, but I get the message he wants to pass. If it helps people, good for him.

    xxx



  271.  #273Starla on July 29, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    Okay, men not calling to confirm plans.

    Is this a boundary?? I’m not sure

    But I have a date tomorrow evening as was set on Wednesday night, and we have no particular time or plan set. i feel uneasy.

    i guess i need to work through my feelings.

    is this an actual BOUNDARY for anyone here?

    i’m not sure how to cope with this. i feel super grateful for the trigger though. i’m gonna work through it tonight.



  272.  #274Starla on July 29, 2011 at 7:11 pm

    i dunno but i want to put up walls. i want to rush out and make other plans. i want him to know that it is NOT OKAY to leave me hanging for what time he will be picking me up.

    that or call him myself to confirm:P but i won’t, because it feels so yucky to chase men around.



  273.  #275DE on July 29, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    Starla:

    it is for me…:)

    A man calling and confirming is part of courtship…to me…

    It keeps from building resentment from leaning fwd and asking him about the “date” plans…and of course, awkward conversations such as “gosh, been so busy, i “forgot”; or “yes, of course…what do u want to do? (like dragging an answer out of him…)”…etc…

    If he can’t/won’t do it in the courtship stage…i can only imagine what he won’t or can’t do in the “relationship” stage…

    I no longer want to find out…:)

    Warm hugs,



  274.  #276Starla on July 29, 2011 at 7:19 pm

    i feel so disappointed. i don’t want to overreact..he seems so great in so many other ways. but this really does bother me. i don’t like being left hanging. it sucks.



  275.  #277DE on July 29, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    Starla:

    I just had plans last nite 🙂 and my date…didn’t confirm…and we didn’t meet 🙂

    And guess who called me today…:) my date…i returned his call…i felt open and warm…and this time I didn’t even mentioned about our date…just went on chatting…

    at some point…he asks…”so, are we supposed to meet tonite or tomorrow nite? cause i forgot…” I answered very warm and gently (cause i really felt that way)…”oh, we were supposed to last nite :)”…he responded “wow…why didn’t u call me to remind me? i’ve been soo busy…”…i responded smiling “oh, gosh, i don’t feel good about calling men to confirm our dates…i believe in courtship; and me calling a man to confirm doesn’t feel like courtship and romance to me…”…He immediately apologized and asked when he can see me again…:)

    I felt soooo good after the conversation…the more we do it…the more we own the power of our words 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  276.  #278Starla on July 29, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    this comes up with just about every guy i go out with. i want to heal this. i’m not sure what to do.



  277.  #279Patricia on July 29, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    252 English Woman

    I do too..!! She is a sweety……but moreover….her words are golden……and the Abraham teachings and ideas have been such a wellspring to me too!

    Cheers! xo



  278.  #280Starla on July 29, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    He knows we have plans tomorrow night. i know he’ll come through. that’s what makes it so hard. is these guys will make plans well in advance for a certain day but not be more specific than that. then i feel like i’m hanging around waiting for them to tell me when.

    i bite my tongue though when i want to say “ok well what time???”

    i don’t want to PUNISH a guy by not showing up to our date when he is actually coming through.

    but i don’t want to be left hanging either. hmmm

    thanks, DE, for talking with me about this:)



  279.  #281LobbyStar on July 29, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    I always tell men that I will “pencil” them into my calendar, and that if I don’t hear from them to confirm, I will schedule something else.



  280.  #282Starla on July 29, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    what if he calls in the morning?

    gosh, the truth is i want to hear from him at least the day before about what time we’re getting together, and if i should dress warm, cool, for hiking, for dinner, etc.



  281.  #283LobbyStar on July 29, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    Oh, I also tell them the time. Like they ask my availability, and I might say, “Monday after 8pm and Tuesday after 6pm. Monday? Ok, 8:30 is perfect. I’ll pencil you in, and if I don’t hear from you before then, I will schedule something else.” I tell them all I keep a tight, busy schedule, so book early. 😉



  282.  #284Lele on July 29, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    I’ve been online and dating a bit.

    met one guy – he just wants casual thing but he keeps calling me. I talk to him – lots of laughter.

    have not met second guy – we did not chat for a couple of days and he said he was talking to someone in his city that wanted to meet. I told him to take a chance and meet her. To which he suddenly Really wants to meet me and chats everytime he sees me online. lol

    third guy have not met either – have had very deep and open chats. shared viewpoints on a lot of things. I’d like to meet him but have not said anything – waiting for him to bring it up. but the last conversation did not feel good. Like I was being helpful instead of leaning back. HELP! Don’t want to go there. What do I do to let that pass and get back to being a desired female.

    I keep doing better but still so much to learn or unlearn. lol



  283.  #285DE on July 29, 2011 at 7:34 pm

    Starla:

    I agree with Lobbystar…this is something u can communicate to u date early on in a very warm and open tone…before 1st or 2nd date…:)

    Since u haven’t…i would consider seeing what my gfs are doing that nite…and where i could meet them…just in case my date doesn’t go through…i have something else to go to…

    It takes a lot of will power…and boldness…to stick to what feels good to u…I know I felt scared when I did it the first time…which if I didn’t hear from him 6 hrs before the date to confirm…i would schedule other plans…and even if i didn’t have “other plans” with friends…i found happiness being alone and enjoying my own company…yet, not crossing my boundaries…

    Okay, okay…i am not perfect always…hope some of u would “quote” me…if I ever go “BANANAS” OVER A MAN who has not proved himself …lol



  284.  #286Starla on July 29, 2011 at 7:34 pm

    Thanks Lobbystar:)

    Well we do have it narrowed down to the evening.

    He even said on the call “I’m at your mercy here” when it comes to picking a time. so i said saturday evening. and he said okay.

    am i being overly critical? is the evening enough of a “time” and “plan”?

    i would hate to get ready at 5 and then sit around for 3 hours waiting for him. YUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

    i’m sure he’ll call in the morning or early afternoon, and i can just tell him if the time he picks feels good to me or not

    oh gosh i feel soooo anxious and triggered. i have got to work through this. i want courtship and romance to feel effortless.



  285.  #287Lele on July 29, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    forgot to check the “notify me” thingy



  286.  #288Starla on July 29, 2011 at 7:40 pm

    I never communicated it because it was unnecessary. he called me with plenty of time, then confirmed the night before. i worried he wouldn’t but he did each time.

    my gut is telling me this is an energy issue, that this trigger and anxiety i have is drawing the issue into my life over and over again.



  287.  #289DE on July 29, 2011 at 7:40 pm

    Starla #282:

    “gosh, the truth is i want to hear from him at least the day before about what time we’re getting together, and if i should dress warm, cool, for hiking, for dinner, etc.”

    This is soo funny cause I run into it too…:)

    I want to know what shoes/cloths to wear …

    so i learned to express “it would feel good to know plans ahead…cause here, i am just a girl, and i feel worried about what to wear, time to be ready…etc…” if he said…”oh, we will figure it out…”…i would say…”oh, that feels bad…:( i don’t feel comfortable not knowing…i want to feel good with u…:( what do u think we should do?”

    Warm hugs,



  288.  #290Starla on July 29, 2011 at 7:43 pm

    Lele, you could get off the phone much sooner when/before you feel yourself start to turn that way.

    you could also practice saying alternatives to helpful things. if you give me examples of what you say i can help you pick something non helpful yet authentic to say. If you want:)



  289.  #291Starla on July 29, 2011 at 7:50 pm

    oh my gosh DE, that is terribly brave!

    i’ve said this stuff to guys i didn’t like as much

    i just like this one=/. eeeep. hehe.

    i will be sure to let him know, though, the next time we make plans.

    i am practicing not ‘scolding’ or blaming men after i failed to assert my boundaries and needs. like “just so you know, i would feel better having x y and z (and i’m telling you cuz you failed to do that on your own).”

    would feel so much more loving and pure to just tell a man when we’re making plans that i do actually have a preference.

    i am realizing for myself that the difference between scolding/blaming and expressing needs is CONTEXT:):):)



  290.  #292Plum on July 29, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    270: Mel

    I know, I have read your older posts where you explain this too.

    The point is that it is not your interest to keep worrying about what he can pay.
    The man wants to divorce you and you said you stay with him because you are so nice that you want to help him pay his rent.
    And you expressed your surprise that he can be angry although you help him pay his rent.

    That’s a terrible reason to stay with a man who wants you out.

    You should be focusing on yourself, now. You helped him too much as it was while you were married.

    I know he can’t afford the house, this is why I said

    ******If you had left right away, he would have found a solution. He can either borrow money for a couple of months until he can pay by himself or he can invite a work mate to live with him.
    If you had told him to move out, he would also have found a solution. ******

    He is not your baby, he wants out because he is a man who can work out his own life.
    He would have found a solution. He is about to earn a lot more money according to what you told us. Or whatever, why am I even imagining solutions for him?
    It should be about you

    This is why I feel better to read today, you say clearly you stay in the house because it is the solution that fits YOU best. That’s good. You don’t stay to help him, unlike you said, but you stay because you calculated it is your best choice for YOURSELF.
    You did not feel like renting with a mate so you did not tell him to leave. As long as it is about you, it’s good.

    I am saying it would be bad to go away if going away is not your best choice and it would be bad to stay if staying is not your best choice.
    When you said that you stay because you are nice, it is not you best choice, it is the door mat attitude that makes him disrespect you and angry
    That’s why today I like reading that in fact you stay because you judge it is YOUR best choice, it is not to help him, it is because your luck needs more time to reach you. Which it will, you will get the job you like.

    xxx



  291.  #293Plum on July 29, 2011 at 8:27 pm

    From Rori

    1

       Have you ever felt like your relationship is
    just drifting away from you?
       And your heart feels like it’s taken a direct
    hit?
       Where you feel absolutely wounded?
       And like you’ll never be the same again?

       I remember feeling so NEGLECTED by my husband.
       There was so much frustration and sadness in
    the space between him and me, on top of all the
    sleepless, miserable nights I spent alone – curled
    up on the rug, crying, or just walking the house
    while he slept.

       What I wanted, what I NEEDED, was HEALING.

       I needed someone to wave a magic wand over me
    and heal my relationship, and then heal my heart.
       I tried therapists and healers of all kinds,
    and the hole in my heart just got deeper and
    deeper, and the distance between my husband and I
    just got bigger and bigger.

        I KNEW that there was no one who could heal me
    but ME, but I kept looking for that magic wand. 

       What I didn’t know then was that not only could
    I heal myself, and fast, but that I could heal my
    relationship, too.

       I spent so much time trying to figure my
    husband out, and figure out why things were going
    wrong, and figuring out how to GET HIM TO DO what
    I wanted him to do and ACT how I wanted him to
    ACT.

       But every time I opened my mouth, it was like
    he was telling me with the look on his face and
    the coldness of his body language that I’d once
    again “put my foot in it.”

        Every time I tried to “talk” about what was
    going on with us, it backfired. 

       Things just got worse and worse, to where I was
    afraid to even speak.
       And remember, I was a fairly successful person
    in every other part of my life – I was outgoing,
    smart, a working actress. I’d even learned how to
    put a business together on my own.

       But here I was – afraid to SPEAK to my husband.
       It’s embarrassing.
       But I want you to know exactly how bad it was
    for me, and exactly how I pulled myself out – so
    you can, too.

       If you’d like some very special Tools
    specifically to raise your self-esteem and help
    you feel very, very hopeful, no matter what your
    situation, try my Heart Connection Toolkit.



  292.  #294Plum on July 29, 2011 at 8:30 pm

    From Rori

    2

       So there I was, walking on eggshells during the
    day and staying up all night trying to figure
    things out.
       And everything I was doing was more damaging
    than if I’d done nothing.
       Walking on eggshells was destroying trust in my
    marriage.
       I was so unauthentic – he never knew who I
    was, where I was coming from, and what I really
    felt.
       He stopped trying to communicate with me.

       And I, so frustrated by not being able to have
    things the way I wanted, started doing even MORE
    of it MYSELF.
       I was carrying my household, my life, and my
    marriage all in my own arms – all by myself.
       If this sounds familiar, know that you can turn
    this around like I did, using the Tools I created
    for myself.

       I was doing so much “figuring out,” it was
    taking up all my time and energy.
       Until I finally “figured out” how to undo all
    the damage my “figuring out” had done, how to
    truly CONNECT with my husband again, and how to
    HEAL my relationship – all in ONE MOMENT!
       And that was the moment I STOPPED trying to
    Figure Things Out.

       I’d been so tense and overworked and anxious,
    I’d just kept going, no matter what.
       I’d been jumping over obstacles I’d created for
    myself, I’d worked hard to fix things, and I’d
    worked hard at being cheerful and positive.
       I could have exploded.
       I could have blown a fuse or gotten really
    sick.

       Instead, in a moment of utter frustration, I
    just STOPPED.

       I sat down on the floor and didn’t have dinner
    ready.
       I stayed on the floor, watching my daughter
    play with a toy, and I didn’t get up to welcome my
    husband home.

       I could hear the coldness in his voice and even
    though I felt the fear in my body screaming at me
    that I would lose everything if I didn’t jump up
    and make everything “better,” I stayed put.
       I didn’t try to make everything “better.”

       Instead, I watched our daughter play on the
    floor right in front of me.
       I watched my husband go straight to her, hug
    and cuddle and kiss her and practically IGNORE ME,
    and then cuddle and kiss our cat and IGNORE ME,
    and I sat there, feeling like I was dying without
    his attention, affection and love.
       And then, in two completely surprising minutes,
    it all changed.



  293.  #295Plum on July 29, 2011 at 8:33 pm

    From Rori

    3

       As he walked away from our daughter and our cat
    and went to take his work clothes off, I could
    feel my mind running, spinning, going a mile a
    minute trying to figure out HIS mind.

       I thought and tried to “figure things out”
    through every second of those two very long
    minutes.

       I MADE myself stay on the floor and not run
    after him to ask how his day went and be a “good”
    wife (even though I worked, too).

       I could hear my brain trying to imagine how
    horrible our evening was going to be, what he must
    be thinking, how I should act, what I could
    possibly do, how I could “talk” to him, what we’d
    do for dinner, wondering if he’d felt “slighted”
    by me, again, trying to get into his head.

       And then the Magic Wand appeared.

       It was like a moment of light and quiet in my
    dark and busy mind.

       In that magic moment, I could “hear” my brain
    talking, and I could “see” my brain thinking.

       And I caught myself.

       I noticed it.

       And then, without thinking about it, I STOPPED
    myself.

       Just as I’d simply NOT gotten off the floor, I
    stopped thinking.

       I focused on my daughter, looked at her face,
    looked at the paintings on the walls, looked at my
    own clothes and started thinking about how fun it
    would be to go shopping for MYSELF instead of the
    HOUSEHOLD, and before I knew it an amazing thing
    happened.

       He walked over to me.
       He sat down next to me.
       I thought he was there for our daughter, but he
    was there for ME.
       He looked at me.
       I smiled at him.
       And in that one moment, we CONNECTED.
       I could feel it.
       I could feel it through my whole body.

       If you had told me then that just NOT doing
    what I always did (and it might be different
    things for you that you always do and can stop
    doing) would make so much difference in my
    relationship, I would have rolled my eyes.
       I never would have believed you.
       If you’d told me that just staying put on the
    floor would be such a big, huge thing to do for
    myself and my marriage, I would have laughed.
       But it was.
       And that moment was what got the ball rolling
    for me.



  294.  #296Lele on July 29, 2011 at 8:34 pm

    we are both online dating and get discouraged. I say something about each step, each experience getting you one step closer to you love
    and other things I’ve learned here and other things like that



  295.  #297Plum on July 29, 2011 at 8:37 pm

    From Rori

    4

       From there, I started feeling stronger.

       I stopped doing more and more, and to my never-
    ending surprise, the less I did, the more space I
    allowed between us, the CLOSER he wanted to come
    to me!

       And then, even more amazingly, as I started
    practicing this early version of my LeanBack Tool,
    I started to feel different inside.
       I got my confidence back.
       I started to FEEL more powerful.
       I saw that my husband craved closeness as much
    as I did, he just didn’t know how to do it.

       He couldn’t put his finger on what was pushing
    him away from me.
       He could never describe what that was like for
    him, or exactly what it was I was doing or not
    doing, he just knew that even though yesterday
    he’d wanted to run away from me, now, all of a
    sudden he wanted to be close.
       He wanted to cuddle.
       He wanted to initiate sex.
       Actually, he wanted to Make Love to me.
       He started looking FORWARD to bedtime and
    cuddling up and kissing.
       He could never have given me the advice I
    needed to inspire him like this, because he didn’t
    understand it himself.
       (I still don’t talk about any of this to him,
    not because I want to keep secrets, but because
    it’s not about HIM!)

       And this is where the HEALING happens.
       By staying put on the floor, I was paying
    attention to ME.
       By not jumping up and all of a sudden making
    him the focus of my life, I was focusing on MYSELF
    and what felt good to ME at the moment, which was
    sitting and watching my daughter.

       (And by the way, you may have done these kinds
    of things before – pulling away, not doing what you
    may have done for him before, but out of ANGER and
    RESENTMENT. And this is different. I’ll talk about
    anger in another eLetter, and how you can use it
    to help yourself instead of hurt yourself, but for
    now, I’ll just say that staying put and focusing
    on yourself is expressing Love for YOURSELF,
    instead of Anger toward HIM.



  296.  #298Plum on July 29, 2011 at 8:42 pm

    From Rori

    5

       And the key to the whole thing working is that
    as soon as my man DID come over and sit beside me
    – I SMILED.
       I was warm, I welcomed him.
       If I had been angry or resentful, he likely
    would have felt it and not come over and sat down
    at all, or he would have gotten up quickly, or
    turned his full attention to our daughter instead
    of to me.
       If I’d been UNWELCOMING, I might have gotten
    totally involved in playing with our daughter and
    hardly even LOOKED at him.
       I might have deliberately, or unconsciously
    SHUT HIM OUT.
       I would have been cold.
       I was so uncomfortable just sitting there, and
    so prepared for coldness from HIM, it was an
    amazing thing that I was able to be OPEN to him in
    that moment.
       But, I was.
       And that made all the difference.
       And when I felt it happen, the CONNECTION, I
    felt less afraid to do the same things again.
       I was braver.
       I was able to STOP moving toward HIM, and
    instead, be OPEN and WELCOMING when HE moved
    toward ME.
       And that’s how I healed my relationship.
       Practically overnight.
       And now you can do it, too.

       In my Reconnect Your Relationship audio CD
    program, you’ll learn what to do when the romance
    has gone out of your relationship.
       You’ll learn what to do and say to bring him
    close to you, the way my husband softened to me
    and started to be more affectionate and intimate
    when I simply let go and stopped trying to fix
    things.

       You see, when he starts to act cold and starts
    to IGNORE YOU, you begin to feel anxious and
    depressed the way I did. And that’s when you begin
    to do things out of some sort of anger, or
    desperation, or both.

       My Reconnect program will show you exactly how
    to EXPRESS what you’re feeling without pushing him
    away, manipulating him, or stuffing yourself down.

       You can’t help wanting to do all the wrong
    things, the way I kept wanting to do all the wrong
    things at first – the very things that make the
    situation worse and bring a bigger wedge between
    you and your man.

       There’s another way to get what you want, and
    in Reconnect I’ll show you the step-by-step ways
    to bring your relationship back from the brink.
       You’ll learn how to phrase what you want to say
    so that he’ll LISTEN and CARE.
       You’ll learn how to lift your self-esteem.
       And you’ll learn what MISTAKES to avoid that
    make him want to just give up and walk away.

       Don’t wait another day while his love for you
    withers and you feel more and more hopeless.
       Take a look at my Reconnect program and try it
    yourself for free for a month:
    http://www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com/Reconnect
       And of course, if you don’t have my eBook,
    start there. Get the Basics of Feeling Messages,
    Listening at Level 2, and Stopping
    Overfunctioning, and then let me know how you’re
    doing. You can download it right now and be
    reading it in minutes



  297.  #299Senior Lady Vibe on July 29, 2011 at 9:07 pm

    @273: Starla says:
    “…But I have a date tomorrow evening as was set on Wednesday night, and we have no particular time or plan set. i feel uneasy…”

    I’d feel uneasy too. Not about a “confirmation.” In this case there is little or nothing to “confirm” — no time, no plan, I wouldn’t even know what to wear or how to arrange my hair: Rainbow Room or rock climbing?

    All I would know is that I had promised to keep myself available for a man to make up his mind whether or not he wanted to make a plan, allowing him to contact me at the last minute to say whether or not he would see me (if he had not in the interim found something or someone better to do.)

    I wouldn’t like that and I’d make an effort to avoid that happening. Maybe that could be called a “boundary.” I would not indicate to a man that it was okay with me to do that.

    There would be no “OK, it’s Tuesday and OK, I’ll go out with you on Friday night and I’ll wait around until Friday afternoon and then you can call and let me know then and “confirm” if you’re still willing and want to take me somewhere maybe. Yeah, OK.”

    No, that is not for me… 😆

    😀

    xoxo



  298.  #300Senior Lady Vibe on July 29, 2011 at 9:14 pm

    @278: Starla says:
    “…i’m not sure what to do…”

    I’d stop saying yes to guys that offered vague nothingness and I would not refer to vague nothingness as courtship.

    😀

    xoxo



  299.  #301alias girl on July 29, 2011 at 9:30 pm

    i feel toxic-ly angry.

    because i feel unworthy

    that is when i feel like this.

    and my vibe is all screwed up. and i feel ANGRY.

    and i feel sadness.

    and i feel quievering lip and watery eyes. and i feel
    like my life was supposed to be an AMAZING GRAND INCREDIBLE PARTY.

    THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT.

    and my vibe isn’t that right now.

    my vibe is screw all of you
    and why not me
    i feel unworthy
    and why not me
    and i feel impotent and
    i don’t know how

    and why am i doing this all on my own
    and i feel so tired of doing my whole entire life on my own

    and that doesn’t feel like a party
    well sometimes it does

    but
    but
    i feel crying and sniffly nose.

    and heat in my belly and holding my breath

    and i feel very sad
    i want a new family. i ditched my old one a long time ago and i want a new one. a bright shiny happy fun help-each-other, wealthy family.

    i feel sobbing and heat and pressure in my head

    i love my feeling sorry for myself. i love my loneliness. i love my heat in my body and sniffly nose. i love my helplessness. i love my anger. i love my anger. i love my anger.

    anger is much better than powerless ness. i love my anger. i love my screw you ness. 🙁

    i feel heat. my body is so HOT. omg.

    i want my romantic fairytales.
    i am so far in vibration at this moment from them.
    i love my non allowing self. i love my staying stuck self. i love my set point stuck on unworthiness. I LOVE IT. I LOVE MY UNWORTHINESS. I EMBRACE MY UNWORTHINESS AND CHEER FOR IT AND LOVE IT! i accept and love my less-than-zero self-esteem. SUPREME! I LOVE IT!

    I am going to make a t-shirt that says . i <3 my self-loathing.



  300.  #302alias girl on July 29, 2011 at 9:37 pm

    i feel so much better after riffing. i am not at 100% but i don’t feel toxic anymore. i feel compassion for myself.



  301.  #303Emoticon on July 29, 2011 at 9:38 pm

    I love me soo much!



  302.  #304Sammie on July 29, 2011 at 10:04 pm

    Alias Girl,

    I so relate to where you are today. I don’t feel so alone after reading your riffing! Thanks for sharing!!!



  303.  #305alias girl on July 29, 2011 at 10:07 pm

    i feel jealous. and that feels like. sinking feeling.

    unworthy.

    party for them. not for me.

    WHY NOT FOR ME?

    okokokokok i need to shift this.

    i get what i want. i always get what i want. this is actually true! I always get EXACTLY what i want.

    So my dreams come true for me too. i can’t see it yet but it’s already assembled. and once i match up with it… and allow it.

    but it’s even better than i could have ever imagined or arranged on my own.

    i feel a little cheered up.

    i love feeling jealous because it lets me know what i want and it lets me know where my vibration is in regards to allowing it.

    i feel cheered.

    i feel a little stuck.

    like ok. what about NOW. what about right NOW?!

    I WANT A PARTY RIGHT NOW. I WANT MY PARTY FAMILY RIGHT NOW

    NOW

    I FEEL DEMANDING

    AND THAT FEELS SUPER AWESOME POWERFUL! NOW! POW! NOW!

    I AM DERSERVING!

    screw those laughable squeaky NV. they are so outdated. like so 1980. like serious.

    get a clue.

    today is NEW and those NV are so OLD. IRRELEVANT!

    I AM WORTHY AND I WILL GET EVERY SINGLE TINY LITTLE DETAIL THING THAT I WANT IN MY LIFE!

    this is why i came and i ain’t leavin til i’m done. and i am not done.

    YAE FOR MY PARTY FAMILY!!!!!

    YEA WE love each other so much. and there is hugging and laughing and authenticity and zany fun!!!

    and we are so rich we make piles of money on the floor to jump in!

    YYEEEEEEAAAHHHHHH!



  304.  #306Emoticon on July 29, 2011 at 10:09 pm

    ^ Gr8 shifting Alias Girl



  305.  #307alias girl on July 29, 2011 at 10:10 pm

    #304 thanks sammie. i feel better after reading that. sometimes i feel embarrassed to not be in a good place emotionally.



  306.  #308alias girl on July 29, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    #306 thanks emoticon! 🙂



  307.  #309Sammie on July 29, 2011 at 10:29 pm

    alias girl,

    I really identify too with that idea of embarrassment for being in a low emotional place!

    Today has been hard because I am struggling with negotiating money with a guy I’m involved with and doing some work with. Yikes! I have to be a girl and use my boy energy too and it’s complicated.

    And, he doesn’t want to pay me what I want out of it. And, exactly what do I want out of it money wise? I have trouble at times owning up to it. Asking for what I want.

    And, I guess it is like this post of boundaries. I’m a bit unclear about my worth and that is part of the problem both financially and personally. Oh, that feels bad to admit! I so believe in the Abraham teachings and know that today my vibe has been way low.

    And, I’m wasting valuable time in which I could be working on my projects wallowing, sleeping, thinking, feeling, feeling hopeless, hopeless, angry, sad, lonely, alone, it it all by myself. I have to stick up for me. I feel tired of it and like a burden to those around me. Blah, blah, blah…

    I need to get my projects together over the next two to three weeks. If I stay in a low place I won’t get them done. I want to feel successful, use my wits and my creativity. I want to feel good. I want to feel happy. I want to feel loved, appreciated, worthy…



  308.  #310Sammie on July 29, 2011 at 10:30 pm

    I do feel a little bit better…



  309.  #311LobbyStar on July 29, 2011 at 10:34 pm

    Ugh, my CD tonight was yuck.

    First he told me that the hit my self-esteem took during my marriage was my fault. I said that I felt blamed, and he outright said that it was true. He also said I was overly sensitive and had a thin skin. I reminded him that I’m a girl.

    Then every time I was attempting to answer his questions about something, he’d interrupt with wisea$$ remarks that weren’t even funny and I said I felt unheard. He did not seem interested in the answers at all.

    He did tell me I look like Julianne Moore.

    I hugged him goodbye and felt icky all the way home. (We had met at the restaurant, because I didn’t want him knowing where I live.)

    Yuck.



  310.  #312Sammie on July 29, 2011 at 10:37 pm

    LobbyStar,

    Wow, it sounds like you did a great job of taking care of yourself with feeling messages! So, sorry you had a yucky time!



  311.  #313Emoticon on July 29, 2011 at 10:39 pm

    Lobbystar i feel sad abt this on ur behalf. I don’t want my fellow Sirens to have dates like this with men like this.



  312.  #314LobbyStar on July 29, 2011 at 11:54 pm

    312 & 313:

    Thank you, luvvies!

    The CD texted me later that he wanted to kiss me, but he figured if I wanted to make out with him, I’d have invited him back to my place! *shudder*

    It was good practice with the FMs, and when I got home, I talked with two new guys on the dating site. And I’m booked pretty solid for the next ten days! Building up my rotation, like Rori recommends!

    Icky is a thing of the past!



  313.  #315Ladybug on July 30, 2011 at 1:18 am

    Lobbystar, I feel icky for you!

    DD and I have a double date tomorrow to the beach, her School Bus boyfriend and his dad. Both are very nice, soft spoken gentlemen and well educated. The kids like each other a lot, the boy likes me as the “momfriend” to his guy friends and there were fun things with them at 4th of July before I knew they were father/son or he was DD’s bf, that when I found out caused me to shout, “WHY DON’T WE JUST ALL MOVE INTO A SINGLE WIDE AND GO ON THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW?”

    Hayseed and I may very well be heading into a real relationship soon. Men can be so slow, 7 months! I leaned foward, opened up, spoke into his ear and told him I’ve been in WOW with him since the first time I saw him. He’s just all glowing and sparking now, nonstop big smiles and being goofy! Yeah I love goofy! I’m doing my best not to be stuck on him, some days I am stuck and I like it.



  314.  #316Ella on July 30, 2011 at 2:24 am

    Feeling Antsy and Frustrated.

    I went to a wedding reception with my parents last night.

    Great – you would think that would be an ideal place for CD-ing wouldn’t you.

    Except no somehow it didn’t work out like that and I just ended up feeling like a spare part mostly.

    I thought my vibe was good, and plenty of men looked at me, but NO-ONE approached me.

    There were not that many people we knew except one family from next door and we were chatting to them but they have 4 children, who are REALLY close, and are quite a bit younger than me… so they went off in a group, like the Waltons, and then I was left with the older people.

    I tried listening at level 2 and I was interested for a bit and then I felt bored and fidgety.

    So I went and spoke to the bride and groom and then the groom took me to introduce me to some people and made a big thing that there was a ‘single’ guy there that I HAD to talk to.

    So he kinda deposited me to this single guy and it was a bit akward. He just seemed kinda annoyed that I was there, and his body language was really stand-offish.

    I used my Siren tools of leaning back and being in the moment. A couple of times I leaned forward by filling the silence by asking questions but I caught myself.

    After a while I drifted off.

    Then I found my energy was kinda ‘looking’ for a man. It felt like my energy was going out to them instead of the other way and it felt bad.

    I couldn’t do my waterwheel.

    And I actually moved to be closer to one guy and he actually got up and left! 🙁

    It felt AWFUL.

    I realise that without menaing to I tend to have an agenda (getting a guy). I do want to let go of this and just be in the moment and I seem to find it so hard these days.

    I think it is because I want a boyfriend.

    I feel INTENSLY lonely and I am starting to wonder if maybe having a ‘for now’ boyfriend is really such a bad thing.

    I want male company – consistently.

    I don’t know if it is this that makes me feel unsatisfied in whatever I am doing unless I have male attention on me.

    Also I feel pressure. Because people are always commenting on the fact that I don’t have a boyfriend and I am aware that I am 30 and I have never been married and I feel like a freak.

    I feel under time pressure and it feels bad.

    I want to shift this.

    I am not sure if it is this feeling that causes the feeling of dissatisfaction that causes me not to want to be in the moment when I am on a night out without a man.

    And then I always get really frustrated feeling and feel an ‘urge’ to do something, like call a guy, or get drunk or get high…

    And it is a REALLY STRONG urge.

    I don’t know how to not follow it and act on it.

    🙁



  315.  #317Ella on July 30, 2011 at 2:32 am

    Last night I was supposed to meet a female friend after the wedding reception and she blew me out.

    I ended up going to meet another male friend who happens to live with my ex Mr Barman.

    So I went into the pub first and it was closing time and I was chatting to someone I knew there who is really friendly to me, and Mr Barman and his new girlfriend were working behind the bar and she got a face like thunder.

    And then Mr Barman said he wouldn’t serve me because it was past time.

    And basically he is really cold with me.

    And even though I know I do not want him it feels bad. It was only a matter a few months ago that he was offering me a commitment towards marriage and I broke it off because the excessive use of ketamine (his) felt terrible to me.

    But I left it open that if things changed he could come and find me.

    He never did. And as I look back at the situation I realise I do not want to be with him. He wasn’t for me BUT I do still feel SOMETHING for him.

    I am not good at switching off from people I have had a connection to.

    And he treats me now like less than an average person, not someone he was once considering marrying.

    And BTW he is not the marrying type. He had never considered this with anyone else.

    His girlfriend now is a LOT younger than him (17 years). Anyway I was sitting with my friend, who I have known for a long time and then him and his girlfriend got home, pretty much blanked me and then went off into his room.

    Now I get how this situation could feel akward to them but being blanked by him still feels bad.

    I know I am giving him to much power and mostly I have been switched off to him recently and the other day he walked by me when I was kissing with J and he looked really upset.

    But my issue here is ‘has the ketamine issue just gone away then?’

    Because obviously I don’t know but his new g,friend just doesn’t look the type to sit around getting wasted on ketamine.

    And somehow this makes me feel really bad because this was the reason I broke up with him. And now I am questioning myself as the issue seems to have just vanished!

    Ick.

    But hang on, he also lied… and did not step up for me when I was ill, so do I really want a man like that?

    Well no.

    So why does it feel so bad to see him with his new g,friend?

    It is because I feel lonely.

    And I can’t seem to cure this lonliness.



  316.  #318English Woman on July 30, 2011 at 2:37 am

    Ella, first of all I really like your new website and wondered if I can be an Avon rep if I only buy stuff for myself. 😀

    This morning, you (and my sister’s nagging LOL) have inspired me to give Zumba a go, and I have found a place near me at 6pm on Monday night and just message them earlier as they have a FB page, I notice on your video that you are wearing a dress and wondered what kind of shoes do I have to wear? BTW I have no idea where your “belly fat” is LOL!!

    I don’t know if you will be up for listening to Louis Armstrong (:)) but what I do if I am feeling that URGENCY and I have always been like that, work, love, home, everything, I listen to this youtube

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-82VZ521iY0

    It just seems to calm me right down and put my head in a better place and fill my heart with hope……..



  317.  #319Rosa on July 30, 2011 at 2:42 am

    Plum Sweetie ,

    Ca va!!! I saw your post just as I was wanting to write to you tonight and say a big THANK YOU for your wise support when I needed it , your forbearance when i needed it , and your birds eye view of my world when i needed it.

    I am going well, my body has healed a lot lately and I can do more things. i just started a diet today , Paleo style, lean meats, fish , vegies fruit and nuts , no grain or dairy. I gained 8 kg in the last few months ..ugh..

    My dating life is continuing with doc – man. He just asked me out to a wine club dinner with his good friends . It seems odd to be dating and meeting friends but no physical intimacy at all, I mean AT ALL.

    Plum I am going to be in France in September , I am not sure where exactly you are or whether Sirens meet internationally , but my email is rosesonly@live.com

    Oh and Plum , I am so very glad the “Lone” has disappeared because I felt sad about that for a long time 🙂

    I am feeling cuddly snuggling with Max , large, blonde, fluffy and stupourose.



  318.  #320Ella on July 30, 2011 at 2:43 am

    Everywhere I look around me there are what appears to be happy couples.

    And the women have got their man in the usual traditional way. Not the Siren way.

    And I just seem farther away than ever from having what I want.

    I feel frustrated and annoyed.

    I feel tired and like giving up.

    I feel FURIOUS!

    F8ck this. It sucks.

    I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

    I wish I could chill and just enjoy experiences.

    I used to be quite happy just doing stuff with my mum. Or whoever and I did not feel a big need to go on a big night out.

    These days I feel panicky if I think I am not going to have a proper night out.

    Its silly because I can really enjoy life.

    But just this dissatisfied feeling gets me every time.

    Urghh.

    Don’t know if I can ever overcome these strong antsy feelings when they come.

    About the LAST thing I want to do is sink into them and somehow I end up feeling desparate.

    I feel worried in case I am doing all this and it is not the right way at all. meanwhile everyone else is going through the traditional boyfriend girlfriend route and ending up married.

    Ok I can see how I am focusing on the end result here.

    And CD-ing has been good therapy.

    But how to stay in the moment and deal with this bored, frustrated, lacking, yearning feelings?

    Urgh, I feel like crying.

    I DON’T WANT TO KEEP CHOOSING THE PATH OF GETTING DRUNK OR HIGH OR HAVING SOME GUY SLEEP IN MY BED.

    By the way I didn’t do anything of those things last night… but in all honesty I think if they had been offered me I would have.

    And that feels bad.

    I feel like I let myself down and I feel icky and guilty.

    Last night after seeing my friend I choose to stop drinking and bring myself home.

    I ate loads of food.

    It didn’t feel so bad being at home.

    I just feel as though I must be missing out on loads of exciting things.

    I feel frustrated with myself.



  319.  #321Ella on July 30, 2011 at 2:52 am

    Really want to shift this now.

    I just feel stuck.

    Not sure I will ever be able to make the changes I want.

    I want to have money and do exciting stuff and I don’t atm.

    And I can’t see how I can ever get past these urges when they hit me.

    I want to.

    I wonder if I am getting better or not?

    I wonder if I can just be strong enough to sit with these feelings the next time they come and NOT DO anything?

    Would that be a good start?

    I said NO to getting really drunk last night.

    I just couldn’t do it. Felt like being untrue to myself.

    I just really want the strenght to say NO to getting high next time that is offered to me, and it will be, frequently as most people I know round here do that.

    And I tend to get bored hanging out with the ones who don’t as they just seem to talk about children mostly.

    Or maybe I am wrong here.

    And there were a couple of times when I was able to be in the moment last night, and have fun regardless of any male attention or drink.

    One time was when I was dancing with another woman and her little girl and we just started having fun.

    The other time was when I was just hanging out chatting with my mum.

    And I was present and it felt good.

    Can I build on these?

    I have always had this trouble of getting bored quickly.

    Just want to feel confortable in my own skin and not ‘wanting’.

    I think I can do this.

    Just need to feel the wonder in life again.

    And make good choices.

    Sounds so easy. And is so hard when the antsy feelings come on a night out.

    Babysteps Sirens.



  320.  #322Ella on July 30, 2011 at 3:06 am

    I feel LONELY and I want a boyfriend like everyone else.

    I am tired of being the single one.

    I think my friends wonder what is wrong with me.

    I feel ANGRY, FRUSTRATED and annoyed.

    But somehow underneath it all I feel ok.

    Oh and I feel HELLA MAD AT J!!!!!!

    F8CK HIM.

    If I could make those words GIANT I would.

    I want to run up on him and bash his stupid clueless head. Repeatedly.

    Don’t know why.

    Suppose these feelings don’t really have anything to do with him. They are mine.

    Hmph.



  321.  #323Ella on July 30, 2011 at 3:11 am

    English Woman re 318.

    Great!

    🙂

    I feel so pleased that my website inspired you! Yay, that is EXACTLY what I was intending. I feel warm and pleased.

    You can be an Avon Rep even if you just order for yourself, although it is better to also sell to your family and friends.

    You need to get over 78 pounds worth of orders to qualify to earn comission. Then you get a 20% discount. If your orders go over 148 pounds then you earn 25%.

    Let me know if you are interested.

    Regarding the Zumba, I am only wearing a dress because it was a club night. In my classes I wear fitness clothes and trainers and this is the norm.

    Hope that helps.

    Think you are going to LOVE Zumba – it is so much fun.

    xoxoxox



  322.  #324Patricia on July 30, 2011 at 4:07 am

    EW @318

    Thanks for posting this video for Ella and us all…….Louis Armstrong is such a gem……….(hugs)



  323.  #325Patricia on July 30, 2011 at 4:08 am

    oh yes….and Zumba………unlike any exercise I’ve ever done………..so much fun, especially if you love Latin music and dance……….do share with us what you experience when you go!



  324.  #326Starla on July 30, 2011 at 4:35 am

    Good morning!
    Wow, I fell asleep last night very early.

    I don’t think the guy is ‘waiting until the last minute to decide if he wants to see me.’ we are supposed to see each other tonight and he is probably at home like a giddy school boy trying to think of something fabulous to do with me. and he is probably just clueless about confirming. he is probably used to women who never minded waiting around.

    i just need to express to him that i need more certainty.

    anyway, i decided how to handle it in the meantime: i will wear whatever i want, and be ready at whatever time i want. i don’t want to stress about either of those things, and since he didn’t tell me details, i will just go with what feels good to me, and he can work around it. he is at my mercy here, he was right about that.

    this is a hard one for me, because it’s not just about the courtesy of giving me a time and an idea of a plan. for me this is about the terrible disappointment and fear that comes with an otherwise great guy f*cking something up. The great idea i had of him just crumbling right in front of me. It’s a grand trigger and I am very careful right now not to let the big trigger (ultimate disappointment and fear) inform the way i act out on the little one (need a time and plan).



  325.  #327English Woman on July 30, 2011 at 4:44 am

    Ella – I have emailed you on your website re the Avon. 🙂

    Patricia – I just adore that song “We Have All The Time In The World” :D, it has the ability to still my urgent NOW NOW NOW NV’s and I note Rori says in the above video We Have All The Time In The World. 😀

    I am looking forward to Zumba, I never really got what it was before, I thought it was some kind of gym class (and I HATE them LOL!) all jumping around with star jumps and grapevines LOL!! Just cannot co-ordinate myself but watching Ella taking that class I felt hey yeah I can do that!!

    It’s a really lovely sunny day here so I am taking myself out for a little retail therapy. 🙂 That’s my answer to loneliness, but I have to watch it as I am on a budget!!

    I did notice today when I was tidying my bedroom that I have all this jewellery that I have stopped wearing, I wonder why that is? Maybe I have been in boy energy for far too long…….moving back to the UK after 29 years in Australia, finding a car, somewhere to live, a job?? Well now that is all done I need to focus on my girl, so I might buy her another necklace and she can start over……..

    BTW I have been going to Weight Watchers (which I never have tried despite being on a million diets!!) and have lost 8lbs in 4 weeks, so am very happy!!! Still got a way to go, but it definitely is making me feel better about myself,…….



  326.  #328Patricia on July 30, 2011 at 4:51 am

    yay EW on the weight loss……if that’s your goal….great for you……….I bet you are beautiful at any shape or form……….I think it’s a great idea to do some retail therapy for your girl…if not for the simple vibe of just getting out there and letting the world see YOU shine………… 🙂



  327.  #329Patricia on July 30, 2011 at 4:53 am

    326 Starla

    oh..I can so relate to that vibe the day of/day before a date where the mind starts to set up these expectations and runs all mucky with NV that just make it feel yuck……..I love your idea of just being yourself and doing what you need to do, wearing what you want to wear…………moving through your day………if this fellow catches on he’ll want to be part of the ride with you and he’ll figure out how to do it quick!



  328.  #330Rosa on July 30, 2011 at 5:01 am

    I like your attitude Starla.
    I recently let one go over this. He asked to see me then told me the previous weekend that he would call through the week. He didnt , so the date arrangements remained unconfirmed .

    I got on with my taxes and did NOT drive back to the city. At 3pm Saturday he texted me, ” Do ya still want to catch up?” Huh?? He asked me for a date the week before , then silence when he had said he would call. The content of his text made it clear how casually he treated the prospect of meeting me.

    I decided not to make the effort to get into town in time and said sorry i was caught up and i felt confused and thought he had got busy .He later emailed saying it seemed i was too busy to fit him in!!!!

    I think of that one as a lucky escape . The two men i am currently dating ask me well in advance , pick me up etcetera.I say my boundary works for me just now. Rori refers to having a boundary of not accepting last minute dates but this sort of thing is wishy washy grey area stuff. Leaves him with an exit if he gets a better option perhaps?

    I dont need it !

    Good luck Starla.



  329.  #331Jeannette on July 30, 2011 at 5:14 am

    I am going through some sort of weird stuff again….it was 6 weeks ago today that Steve was called in to the hospital for his liver transplant. I was laying in bed this morning thinking……it was the last 2 mo.s or so that he quit telling me so much that he loved me…like when we would hang up the phone after our usual phone visit. He did say it sometimes but not as often. Many times I waited for him to say it…just because I wanted to hear that he still felt that way….one time I asked him about it. He said that he and his mother NEVER said they loved each other but they did very much. I know he loved me but I think his brother who was dying was a negative influence with him. I know he was jealous of mine and Steve’s relationship. Which I think was unfair because at least Rick was married once and Steve never had the opportunity…once Rick said to his sister Sharon, “I don’t know what Jeanne sees in Steve..he’s so boring. They had a sort of sibling rivalry. Yet Steve loved Rick so much….they were like twins…they did so much together in life. But Steve sort of let Rick push him around…I don’t understand that. I feel like Steve loved me but maybe he just grew tired in the end because he didn’t feel well and was trying to take care of Rick…any thoughts sirens? Once Steve told me that he felt torn between me and Rick. I told him not to worry about it. I guess he was trying to make Rick happy his last days here and me too. Maybe it proved overwhelming to him…And of course what ended up happening was Steve died before Rick…I am pretty depressed about all of this…After reading this would you please share your thoughts?



  330.  #332Rosa on July 30, 2011 at 5:17 am

    I still feel slightly triggered though , as if i “should” have been more amenable , fall over myself to see him, ignore his bad manners etc..old trigger about being polite , making excuses for them ..hell he’s 54 years old…knows when hes interested by now Id say !

    I also wonder if this messy unclear stuff is another way of saying ” I am checking to see if we can keep it casual and no strings” , or worse ” If you are free for a casual hang out you’ll agree” , or maybe even unconsciously they are checking out a girls boundaries ?

    A lot of dating profiles say they want to be “spontaneous” . I take this to mean they dont want to commit themselves , show serious dating behaviour , or spend money and effort on seeing a girl..they would rather “spontaneously’ see ” where things go” .

    BLAAAAHHHH!!!



  331.  #333Rosa on July 30, 2011 at 5:22 am

    Jeannette,

    This is the sort of worry and analysis that just keeps you in your head and locked in the grief.

    I wonder if you can sink into the depression, the anger, the sadness, feel these feelings and touch an object and all the Rori tools to get you out of yopur head when yopu startv this sort of negative questioning.

    I know these thoughts help you feel connected to Steve just now , but if you sink in you can feel the feelings then move to a better feeling perhaps , like gratitude , and let go of the thoughts .



  332.  #334Starla on July 30, 2011 at 5:23 am

    Thanks, Patricia:)
    I slept on it and realize that this is mostly about me and not about him. what’s making me anxious is my desire to look cute and appealing for him, to wear the right thing for our activity, and to do it all on time. because *i* want to look good, both physically and personality wise (being on time) without it being known that as a girl i make a big stinking deal out of it and change my outfit like ten times and sometimes it’ll be the only thing i accomplish in the 3 hours before he arrives, hahaha.

    or if i should eat or not. that is a big one. but i am realizing that the reason i fret over that one is because i don’t want to be “bad” by showing up with a full stomach. but wtf, i am running around like a chicken with her head cut off (a hungry chicken too!) fretting over whether he’s gonna call to firm up our plan, and not simply committing to taking care of ME.

    if there is no time, or no certainty as to what we’ll be doing, i will take care of me, end of story. i will wear whatever i feel like wearing, be ready whenever is good for me, and feed myself before hand if there has been no mention of food happening. if i show up in a dress and heels and he had hiking planned, he’ll figure something else out. if i show up full and he had dinner planned, he’ll figure something else out. if he wanted to go to the 7 o clock movie but i won’t be ready to go out until 9, he’ll figure something else out.

    i am feeling better working this all out right now, but the bottom line is still it would feel so much better to have a time and some idea of a plan confirmed at least the day before.



  333.  #335Jeannette on July 30, 2011 at 5:27 am

    Rosa, why do you call this, ‘negative questioning’?



  334.  #336Rosa on July 30, 2011 at 5:40 am

    Jeanette , Because it makes you doubt yourself and the ” “reality” of your time with Steve.To me that feels bad..bad to read .

    It reads like you are second guessing the relationship , and if you do that it can only bring more grief and pain.

    When someone has died I find comfort in FEELING their energy around me , feeling good memory-feelings and accepting their love with gratitude.

    I know that questions about what things meant or might have been are my mind restlessly seeking , endlessly seeking and not reaching any conclusions that I know to be fact and those thoughts cause me negative feelings , so i call them “negative questions”.

    I think you will know what was FACT by the FEELINGS you had with Steve, not by your minds questions.



  335.  #337Jeannette on July 30, 2011 at 5:46 am

    Well he loved me….I think this man was just dealing with a lot. I just wish it could of had the happy ending we were seeking…Just miss the hell out of him….my mind races….I don’t have any peace in this yet. I feel like he was taken when I needed him so much…but that is negative too, however, human.



  336.  #338Rosa on July 30, 2011 at 5:50 am

    And when your mind races i wonder have you tried meditating to your breath Jeannette or even to a mantra of “he loved me” ? Just keep bringing your focus back to that one thought and feeling of love.

    Its a wonderful thing to be truly loved by a man. It is something that I am not sure has ever happened to me.



  337.  #339Jeannette on July 30, 2011 at 5:52 am

    Rosa, why are you not sure if a man ever loved you? What defines love to you?



  338.  #340Rosa on July 30, 2011 at 5:58 am

    I think he would tell me in words and show me in deeds and i think that very essentially for me, he would stand by me and beside me when the tough stuff comes.

    But mostly I would feel cherished by his deeds and loved by his touch.

    My ex husband did not really love me and he told me that he didnt “need ” love , or touch but he knew i did and he was sorry he couldnt do it .



  339.  #341Ella on July 30, 2011 at 6:01 am

    Still no word from J.

    I give up on that one.

    I feel annoyed, confused and upset. Why did he come back at all?

    Did he ever actually like me?

    What the f8ck was all that anyway?

    And why has he poofed.

    Guess I’ll never know.

    I feel sad and lonely and I miss him.

    Got other CDs lined up.

    And I just keep thinking ‘yeah but they are not J – and I have not much enthusiasm.

    Except masc energy landscape gardener guy (hmmm, I am going to need a shorter name for him – lol).

    He raises a little interest in me.

    But what does it mean again when a guy says ‘should’ a lot?

    I have noticed that with him. Is it something to do with holes in boundaries?

    he tends to say it about other people…

    He has asked to see me tomorrow.

    I have another CD tommorrow too with cr8p music man.

    I am feeling a little judgemental of these guys and will practice staying open.

    Feel FURIOUS that J has gone. I know I have no right to… men do what they do. So why am I really furious? Maybe cus I invested too much.

    Anyway it doesn’t matter. I feel furious about that but I am babystepping to turning away from him and switching off to him.

    Nights like last night don’t help but maybe they are encouraging me to finally face my demons…

    My mum offered to pay for me to go to the festival I want to go to in a few weeks as a birthday/Xmas present. This would be my holiday for the year…

    I feel appreciative and excited and yet I am not sure if I want to go there now.

    There will be lots of drugs and alcohol there and I am wondering whether to just stay away.



  340.  #342Ella on July 30, 2011 at 6:02 am

    I FEEL F-U-R-I-O-U-S! FURIOUS.

    RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH



  341.  #343Rosa on July 30, 2011 at 6:05 am

    G-Man actually said several times he loved me but was not IN LOVE with me. That was the pits .

    My self esteem was rock bottom and i was totally hooked on him and i should have got out of there fast when i first heard him say that. I didnt even know what it meant at the time.But it took a few more years till I realised I was in an addictive FWB crumb situation with someone who was telling me i was his back up plan for sex and friendship but never going to be the one.

    These are the two “loves” i have had in the last 25 years .So I am maybe not a good one to ask .



  342.  #344Jeannette on July 30, 2011 at 6:07 am

    Rosa, I am sorry to hear that. Just as you said, “I think he would tell me in words…” That is what I was wondering…Steve didn’t say it much in the end….I am wondering what you think about that?



  343.  #345Rosa on July 30, 2011 at 6:16 am

    I think he was sick Jeannette , with liver failure, bad enough to need transplant , that is VERY sick.
    It means his blood would have been full of stuff the liver wasnt breaking down and all his body would be affected. it would mean fatigue , exhaustion, nausea, lack of appetite and apathy ..and depression, poor concentration and poor memory.

    If he didnt tell you as often or spend as much time with you , he was likely conserving energy for himself and the transplant.Just focusing on trying to get better to move ahead with you .He would have felt sick from the cancer and worried and distracted about Rick and have had little energy for much else in all likelihood.

    His thoughts on the day of the surgery were for you. That thing about the parking for your car …thats how you know jeannette ..he really loved you , he was CHERISHING you 🙂



  344.  #346Butterfly Wings on July 30, 2011 at 6:49 am

    Hi ladies. Ok, I want you to all line up in front of me, and collectively slap me! lol

    I went to the pub last night with a group of people from work and TH was texting me, trying to convince me to go over to his house and talk (he was at home).

    Well… I was able to say no at first, and kept saying no and I eventually asked him what would change if I did. I wasn’t fussed on the answer, but from what he was saying, I got that he really did want to talk.

    So I eventually gave in and said I’d go over (yep I’m soft, hence why you ALL have permission to slap me!), and Mr Ex Coworker was with my group at the pub and insisted on driving me to my car which was parked at a train station outside of the city. He thought I was going home…

    He drives a really nice car (feeling very superficial here, but I was totally impressed with his car…)! But I’m really not “feeling it” with him. At all….. And even though he’s not specifically said he’s interested in me, he’s mentioned a few times how attractive he thinks I am, and last night said how great looked and how easy I am to talk to. He also reminded me that we’re yet to go out for dinner!

    I’m really torn about what to do with him because he IS really lovely but I definitely don’t want to lead him on. If I’m not “feeling it” then I don’t think I ever will with him – dinner would have to be pretty darn spectacular for that to change! ARGH!

    As for Mr Saturday night dude, he messaged me a few times yesterday and made a few sexual comments and I kind of felt disappointed and turned off by that, like it was all he was after… But at the same time I AM really attracted to him.

    Ok, so I am not feeling it for Mr Coworker, I am feeling it for Mr Saturday night dude even though he’s kind of turning me off with his messages, and then there’s TH…

    I’m really not sure if I can be happy long term with him, so there’s no way he’s getting the no gf speech because I don’t want to encourage him to want more! But we are right now in a sexually exclusive “relationship” which is still kind of imaginary because he still doesn’t consider me his gf. So that kind of leaves it open for me I suppose – and I think that’s a good thing. But I’m not sure…

    I’ve been invited to go out next Saturday night to the same place where I met Mr Saturday night dude. If TH is with me and Mr Saturday night dude is there, then what??? Eeeeek!!!

    I have NO idea what to do there!!!



  345.  #347Butterfly Wings on July 30, 2011 at 6:50 am

    Ella, I feel really happy to see that you seem so much better today/tonight! 🙂



  346.  #348Butterfly Wings on July 30, 2011 at 6:53 am

    Being furious is good! 🙂

    Well, that’s what I think anyway…



  347.  #349Lilybelle on July 30, 2011 at 6:57 am

    345:

    Exactly what I was thinking. It may have felt like crumbs or that he didn’t care, in those months leading up to the transplant, but I imagine that what he did put out was more than he physically and emotionally had strength for. Steve was not a typical man that we see being discussed here. He was a very sick man. Bless his heart so much!!

    And in the very end, he thought about you, Jeanette. Showing you his love for you by taking care of you while he braved the surgery, knowing there was a chance he wouldn’t make it. LOVE at it’s finest. He SHOWED you, Jeanette.



  348.  #350Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 7:13 am

    “should” according to Dr. Paul a man with no or weak boundaries and a man who “cannot” commit.



  349.  #351Mel on July 30, 2011 at 7:19 am

    Lilybelly, did I mention how much I love the new photo? You look great!

    To Plum and DE…

    Maybe this is wrong… but my fantasy reconciliation is that I am happy and in a new place and loving my life. I am dating a few different men casually and they are treating me like a princess. Husband gets in contact, says he made a mistake in ending the marriage and wants to try again. I say that I am happy in my new place and enjoying my life and I don’t want to rearrange my life for ANY man. I say that it would feel nice to date him again, and to see how that feels and where it goes. He then shows me he is serious by coming to me and rearranging HIS life to fit into mine (he could ask for a work transfer easily as his firm is a worldwide one 🙂 ) He treats me like a princess and gives me cake instead of crumbs. I keep him in my “rotation” until he can make a real commitment. I won’t settle for anything less than a new ring and a new ceremony to start a new marriage.

    So trying to work the “hope” I still have into my desire to start my life anew in a beautiful new place. And maybe eventually that hope will fade as I focus more on me… and it won’t matter if he contacts me or not because there will be another prince who will be willing to step up and treat me like a princess.



  350.  #352Mel on July 30, 2011 at 7:21 am

    Going to visit a winery with my mom today. It’s a beautiful sunny day and I’m going to enjoy every moment. I will check back in later. Hope you all have a great Saturday! 🙂



  351.  #353Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 7:35 am

    ButterflyWings how long have you been with TH? If it is less than 6 months the best thing to work on with him is building sexual tension. Don’t always be available to him and it will keep him attracted to you. He convinced you to come over though you resisted at first. That actually shows him that you are open to being influenced by him and that you can forgive, if necessary, is my impression. In my humble opinion, not exactly a bad thing. One has to make in the moment decisions depending on the situation. I have heard Dr. Paul talk about have doors that open and close in our boundaries.

    What came to me about the guy you are not attracted to is Rori’s story, and several other coaches like Arielle Ford. They were not initially attracted to their husbands, apparently that’t not necessarily how it works for us women. It grows with time and trust. The other one that you are attracted to might be just chemistry, which can be very dangerous. The one saying you are attractive might be expressing his “physical attraction” for you. As such I suspect you might not be practicing enough feeling messages with him to trigger the emotional attraction. Message might be to focus on yourself with this. From what I have learnt here you thinking about “leading him on” might be disrespectful. He is a grown man and knows what he wants and will go after it. Why would you want to “mummy” him and take care of his feelings? Did he ask you to? My experience is that if he senses that you are not opening up to him, he will weed himself out. Unless he is masculine enough to keep trying until you tell him you are marrying another man.

    If both guys end up in the same place you become more attractive. Depending on the situation, there might be a cock fight or you might see some anger and jealousy. If you have no agreements or commitments with the other guy you might to experience who wants you more.

    Regarding the sexual innuendos, it is safe to assume all guys want to have sex with you, though some people think that is presumptious. I actually find the thought intriguing because it helps me to stay focussed to keep as much distance as possible to see which one keeps coming forward, which one allows me the space to make that decision and which is impatiently trying to control the outcome. I get the see the difference in to help me make informed decisions and see which situation I feel most comfortable with. In the long run I want my man to be sexually attracted to me so I want him to be comfortable enough to be himself. So when guys come on strong I will try to say that I feel little overwhelmed if there is nothing else and that I would feel more comfortable if things could be slowed down just a little bit.



  352.  #354Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 7:38 am

    ButterflyWings I should have added that I am not sure you want to encourage a cock fight.



  353.  #355Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 7:39 am

    Enjoy Mel. I just got back from a dance class and am going to tennis in a few. Some nice hot guys come out on Saturdays.



  354.  #356Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 7:41 am

    RE 351 Mel that is beautiful



  355.  #357Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 7:47 am

    RE 334 Starla just to share my impression, that sounds like you are possibly focussed on trying to “impress” him or that you are high maintenance. If you are high maintenance in that way I would encourage you to notice that and love yourself for it. Maybe that could help you heal it in some way?



  356.  #358Jeannette on July 30, 2011 at 7:48 am

    Rosa, thank you for that….I am just grieving and you are right….it’s ALL NEGATIVE. I tend to go there sometimes and just how does it serve me? I have been that way all my life and I have been my own worst enemy. I need to over come that. I had a counselor tell me once that I am very, very hard on myself….Maybe I let too many negative people around me or something…..maybe I just need to love myself more and let others do that too…..and yes, maybe just quit thinking sometimes….I tend to always do that…..some people call it over analyzing…..brother…..



  357.  #359Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 7:55 am

    RE 321 Dancing with that woman and her little girl sounds like so much fun I am imagining how attractive it might have looked to a hot hunk hanging in the background. A woman having fun in her life. I am also imagining you dancing by yourself afterwards and him coming over to dance with you. Hhhhmmm yummy



  358.  #360Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 7:59 am

    Ella if I was Mr. Barman and I had to see this hot Siren, the one who got away from me, I would be hella mad too. Plus he must have felt the loss of your energy and love when you switched off. The poor guy.



  359.  #361Lilybelle on July 30, 2011 at 8:03 am

    351:

    Awww thank you, Mel. I have finally decided that I am a beautiful woman. 🙂

    I love your thoughts and scenario played out. It could even be that when he does come around, you will already have your prince.

    I believe you will have all that you desire, I really do! Like I have mentioned before, I can’t wait to watch it all unfold.

    Have fun at the winery.



  360.  #362Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 8:05 am

    Lobbystar don’t know how many times you have dated this guy, but just wanted to remind you that dating is for FUN FUN FUN. I am wondering why were you discussing your issues around your marriage and stuff from the past? He does not need to be in your business. Can I encourage you to look back at this date as a learning experience and play back how it went, how topics come up etc? In first dates I try to focus on the guy, I already know about me. I want to find out about him and who is this man in front of me? I want to know if he enjoys his job, what are his hobbies, has he ever cared for anything in his life and why is he not married yet?



  361.  #363Jeannette on July 30, 2011 at 8:28 am

    I need to find the peace…and just let it happen….



  362.  #364Liz on July 30, 2011 at 8:54 am

    Help I am in love with this guy who keeps things at a distance for 10 years now. He live in Florida and I moved to WV. 5 years ago. Last fall I totally ignored him for 6 months. He called and called. He can to visit for a week and is sugar and spice. Now he’s talking about retirement and us snow birding. From my place to his. The problem I have is one I still need to work and I now have my dad to care for also. So how am I to hold a job and got back and forth. He’s still talking about living together unless he’s had a couple of drinks then he hints of marriage. Not sure what to do from here. Any advice



  363.  #365Liz on July 30, 2011 at 8:57 am

    Help I am in love with this guy who keeps things at a distance for 10 years now. He live in Florida and I moved to WV. 5 years ago. Last fall I totally ignored him for 6 months. He called and called. He came to visit for a week and is sugar and spice. Now he’s talking about retirement and us snow birding. From my place to his. The problem I have is one I still need to work and I now have my dad to care for also. So how am I to hold a job and got back and forth. He’s still talking about living together unless he’s had a couple of drinks then he hints of marriage. Not sure what to do from here. Any advice



  364.  #366LobbyStar on July 30, 2011 at 8:58 am

    362:

    We were not discussing my marriage, though he knew I had been married. He started talking about his own ex-wife’s low self-esteem. Basically he said I must’ve had low self-esteem too and that it was my own fault. I said I felt uncomfortable with the topic and changed the subject.

    And it was first meeting, though we’d talked online for a week or two. I’m pretty sure I know why he’s no longer married.



  365.  #367Wildflower on July 30, 2011 at 9:08 am

    Jeannette I’ve been meaning to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. Is there some type of group counseling or support network in your area? Sorry if you’ve already talked about this. I don’t want to get in to the full story but both in my own family and due to my job I know a lot of good, wonderful, strong people who have had to deal with someone passing away unexpectedly and it is so hard. I sometimes wonder if it’s actually THE single hardest thing in the world to deal with because nobody understands it until they experience it themselves. I’m mentioning the support group because I know in the case of my own family the one thing I wish we had done was get more outside help. I thought we could deal with it on our own. So again I apologize if I haven’t read something you’ve already posted but I just wanted to mention this. You are clearly trying to help yourself recover which takes an unbelievable amount of strength. Sending you hugs and positive vibes.



  366.  #368Wildflower on July 30, 2011 at 9:16 am

    FW just read your suggestion about the inner drama queen. You are right…I need to read that article. I’ve always had an aversion to being perceived as a “drama queen” but you are so d@mn right…those are my boundaries screaming to me. I never knew how to recognize them. Thank you!



  367.  #369Jeannette on July 30, 2011 at 10:16 am

    Wildflower, thank you for your words…I am sure there are support groups, I am just trying to do some things on my own too.



  368.  #370Senior Lady Vibe on July 30, 2011 at 10:18 am

    @366: LobbyStar says:
    “…And it was first meeting, though we’d talked online for a week or two. I’m pretty sure I know why he’s no longer married….”

    I’m pretty sure I know why too. 😯

    I’ve reconciled myself to the possibility of meeting some frogs…

    I hope the next guy is better for you. Hugs.

    😀

    xoxo



  369.  #371Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 10:32 am


  370.  #372Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 10:41 am

    RE 365 Hi Liz,

    Aren’t you bored with the at a distance thing yet? And 10 years? Seems he knows you have nothing else going on in your life so why would he hurry? Been there myself. The last time mine came back. I told him I am in no hurry to do anything but I value myself too much now to allow him to just ease back into my life as if nothing happened. I told him I know any man who gets me will wake up every morning feeling like he is the luckiest man alive. When he realized that I was not about to let him in, he dropped off the planet. It’s been 2 months now since the last time I heard from him though he was crying so much about how much he wants me and how it was hurting. He might have been telling the truth but I feel sick and tired of the rubber banding. There are other guys showing interest plus the long distance thing is too difficult for me.



  371.  #373Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 10:45 am

    RE 366 I am pretty sure you do. Sounds like of those who uses blame.



  372.  #374Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 10:55 am

    RE 309 Sammie what struck me about your post is the last of wants. It reminded me of Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch. He suggests that when we focus on wants that is what we produce, us wanting. I also remembered alias girl recently posted about Abraham Hicks saying we should “allow” things to come to us. I am wondering if you could change your thoughts about things and start to wonder instead. As in “I wonder how I can allow …………….” or “I wonder how I can create more money”. You have two to three weeks to build up your excitement and creative around your projects. Seems like a lot of time to me to create great possibilities. I know Laughing Goddess could do a great job at expressing things around that.



  373.  #375Lilybelle on July 30, 2011 at 11:02 am

    366:

    Ishy, Ishy, ISH!

    Isn’t it nice how they show who they are almost right away?

    Next!!!



  374.  #376Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 11:04 am

    A freak Ella? Rori if I am not mistaken was in her 40s when she got married so was Virginia Feingold Clarke. If I am not mistaken many female relationship coaches got married in their 40s. I also remember Carol Allen saying many women are “late bloomers”. Forget people and what they are saying. You don’t want to rush into a marriage just to be married. Neither do you want to settle for the wrong guy. You will regret it later in life when you have to start over again begin. Better to try to end that cycle of strong urge now because you might shift that urge to something else if you get married and push the man away. Girl!!!!!!?



  375.  #377Lilybelle on July 30, 2011 at 11:04 am

    Heck, sometimes..no, alot of times, they show who they are even BEFORE you meet them.

    I like when that happens.



  376.  #378Lilybelle on July 30, 2011 at 11:05 am

    374:

    And from AH….

    …Wouldn’t it be nice if …….!



  377.  #379Wildflower on July 30, 2011 at 11:17 am

    I’m having a difficult time with my one CD. Thought I would run through some feelings here and see what comes to me.

    I went on a date with him last night. I had driven to his house house a couple of times. Finally told him I don’t feel comfortable driving there because I feel tied to an outcome. He came and picked me up and brought me back to his house.

    During the date I felt nervous and in my head. I tried to feel the sofa, focus on his eyes, listen at level two. It helped. At one point I said, “I feel nervous.” He just made a joke but didn’t ask me why which felt odd but I don’t want to judge him.

    During the date I felt like I was being kept at arm’s length and that felt bad. Like the energy was only partially flowing towards me. We were sitting on the couch watching a movie and he would sometimes hold my hand and sometimes pull it away and not touch me. I kept thinking that if I pull away too and pretend to be disinterested he will probably make more of an effort. But I didn’t want to “pretend” so instead I kept my heart open. I leaned back and when he did take my hand I said it feels nice to hold your hand.

    We made out for a while and it was nice and relaxing but didn’t feel intimate. He drove me home later. Afterward I just felt kind of bad. I don’t know why. LIke suddenly the momentum stopped. I must be overfunctioning in some way because I still feel tied to some outcome. I felt angry. I wonder if I just thought about him too much or imagined he would be my prince charming and step up and save me from all of this mess with my family that’s going on right now. But that’s too much to put on anyone and deep down I know that. Just feels scary to be alone right now.

    I really want to STOP even thinking about him. I wonder if that’s how I’m overfunctioning right now. I mean in reality he’s a nice guy and he’s just doing what he wants to do which I imagine is have some pretty girl come over to hang out with him and kiss him. But that’s not what I want.



  378.  #380Wildflower on July 30, 2011 at 11:21 am

    FW–thank you!!!

    Jeannette–I totally understand and don’t want to come across like I’m belittling what you are doing. I’m sure you know what feels best for you.



  379.  #381Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 11:22 am

    RE 379 “Feels scary to be alone right now” is where you are at and in my opinion what you should be working on. It suggests to me that you are not comfortable with yourself.



  380.  #382Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 11:25 am

    RE 379 Have a pretty girl kissing him? Did he kiss you? Did you melt?



  381.  #383Wildflower on July 30, 2011 at 11:36 am

    I wonder if that’s why he showed up. He’s doing almost the same exact thing as the last guy did that I had a crush on. He’s a really nice guy but he’s only showing a moderate amount of effort (like the last guy did).

    Only this time I caught it a little sooner. I stopped driving after the second time and spoke the truth before I felt really angry. I’ve been practicing keeping my heart open with him and still telling him things using feeling messages. I told him when the nice things he did felt nice. I wondered if that was a turn off to him. But I don’t care that’s not why I was doing it.

    I was wondering why after a year of circular dating all of the sudden I was getting these handsome but seemingly less “available” men (or at least they started to pull away). Seems like when I first started I was getting men who were very available but I didn’t want to kiss them. I was feeling frustrated because I thought maybe I was regressing. I still feel worried about that a little. Probably my NVs. I hope.

    Maybe these handsome men are here to help me learn to recognize my boundaries. I hope. That would feel really nice (rather than thinking this is all just random). Maybe if I can trust my boundaries even during a time of family crisis I’ll feel better in the long term.

    Baby steps though. I was still beating myself up a little. I was wondering what I should or shouldn’t say last night. Afterwards I wondered if I said too much, didn’t express enough.

    During the date I kept going back and forth trying to decide between trying to shift my vibe and feel more relaxed versus actually vocalize that I was feeling weird. I guess in the end I kind of did a little of both. I tried to stay present but I also vocalized, “I feel nervous.” Guess it’s a start.



  382.  #384Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 11:40 am

    Love this comment from the drama queen post

    2: Simply Shannon says:
    My inner drama queen’s name is Sha-nay-nay. She tells it straight up like it is. No bullshit. I actually just had a talk with Miss Sha-nay-nay because of a “joke” Mr. Manly Man made when I cancelled on him tonight. (He joked that “used to you cancelling on me. LOL”. Oh yeah – real eff’in funny big man. I feel tired for crying out loud!)

    Sha-nay-nay’s words weren’t so nice but ***I*** handled it well. He knows I feel pissed right now. And I feel so proud of myself for not taking what he said and turning it around on myself with “i’m sorry” “it’s my fault”, blah, blah, bullshit.

    Gonna take a bath and relax. I love feeling strong on the inside and soft on the outside. Mr. Manly Man better get with the program or I’m gonna hit the easy button and let him ride off into the sunset without me. GRRRR.

    I LOVE Sha-nay-nay!



  383.  #385Sammie on July 30, 2011 at 11:41 am

    Feminewoman,

    RE: 374 – Thanks so much for responding to my post! I was really in a deep valley yesterday! And, yes I agree with you about changing the “wanting” to “I wonder.” I listen a lot to Abraham too, not that it always comes naturally! 🙂

    Also, it felt good to read this from you:

    “You have two to three weeks to build up your excitement and creative around your projects. Seems like a lot of time to me to create great possibilities.”

    Thanks so much!!!

    xoxoxo,

    Sammie



  384.  #386Sammie on July 30, 2011 at 11:43 am

    Hmmm, that was to be “Femininewoman!!!”



  385.  #387Wildflower on July 30, 2011 at 11:45 am

    FW–yeah I guess you’re right about the alone thing. My dad is in the hospital and he is my best friend. I live overseas so I just happened to be here (USA) visiting when he got sick. It made me realize that he is my one real tie to the area where I’m from in the states. Or at least that’s how it’s been since I moved overseas. So now I’m trying to figure out what I would do if I ever lost him. I feel selfish making it about me but that’s how I honestly feel. I mean I have tons of friends but it changes things when you don’t have a “home” to visit. I know I’ll be ok but the thought feels really scary right now. I’m probably just worrying too much. I don’t know.



  386.  #388Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 11:46 am

    Wildflower when I look back at the unavailable guys that I picked I have come to accept that I was not available. I was afraid of the intimacy because one got married 3 months later and immediately after he got married I unconsciously opened up more to him. I had to ask myself what the heck, then I realized it was a pattern for me. When there was no “threat” of intimacy I automatically open up and get closer.



  387.  #389Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 11:50 am

    RE 387 No you are not worrying too much. I recently had an experience where I dealt with my mortality while watching my father go through a process while in the hospital. It is very unsettling but something that can help you to be totally vulnerable with cds. It feels scary and at the same time allows you to realize what is really important in life. The people you love. It also helped me to become clear that living passionately, doing things that I love is valuable to me. So now I am not afraid of losing a man. I have life to live and to thrive.



  388.  #390Wildflower on July 30, 2011 at 11:52 am

    FW–yes he did lean in and kiss me. I did melt and stay present. Actually it felt really nice and I felt relaxed. I don’t know maybe my expectations are too high right now. I know this is my issue not his. From the little I know of him he’s a good guy. Also I’m scheduled to fly back to where I live in three weeks. In the meantime I want to stay present, just circular date him and get to know him with no expectations but honestly there’s a giraffe in the room. I can’t help but wonder what he’s thinking.



  389.  #391Wildflower on July 30, 2011 at 11:55 am

    FW–Do you think I may actually be the one pushing him away instead of the other way around? Rori always says with the right guy it won’t be this complicated. But I’ve also been wondering if I’m overlooking something that I’m doing. I’m very shy and sensitive by nature so I do wonder if even when I’m expressing my feelings I’m only expressing the first layer of feelings (rather than the really deep ones if that makes sense).



  390.  #392Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    What is the “giraffe?”



  391.  #393Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    RE 391 It makes sense but I believe only you can answer that question. I have also come to accept that it takes time and practice to really get to the deep feelings and then to expressing them.



  392.  #394Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    Interesting comment:_

    “Rori has talked about the ‘date one girl at a time’ guys, the serial monogamists as someone said – not all guys even want to be Don Juan. It’s like she says, they just want to do the minimum and still have a very pleasant life. They ‘know’ women like exclusivity, so they feel good about themselves by ‘giving’ her that while getting all they want (which is often less than what she wants to give, so hey, he doesn’t feel greedy), and spending far less energy than having to go after and get used to a whole bunch of new girls all the time. Sure doesn’t feel like ‘giving’ to me – more like a trade, or a temporary exchange. A contract, sure, but he knows the fine print just says tacitly renewable, and not necessarily long-term.”



  393.  #395DE on July 30, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    Wow…what a morning…

    I expressed boundaries to two men…within an hour…

    It felt bad for while…i was building resentment/frustration…

    The 1st was my ex-husband…he has never followed the parenting plan…and rarely plans visitations with our son…and often breaks it the last minute…:(

    He talked to my son about coming to pick him up in a week…on a Monday…early morning before me going to work…Gosh, i’ve been feeling resentment ab it…that felt like heavy breathing…and pain around my temples…:( I did not confirm ab it…till i thought of it…so this morning, I finally texted him:

    “W, it is too stressful for me to make arrangements for next Monday…u are welcome to pick J up Sat or Sunday before noon…please confirm by Tuesday, day, time and how long…thank u…”

    He respond….”i don’t understand…what’s such a problem?”

    I responded: ” it feels bad and stressful to me..thats all..it feels bad to accommodate someone else s needs over my own…i already feel overwhelmed, overworked and stressed with lots of responsibilities…”

    In the past, i would feel terrified to say what i don’t want of fear of verbal retaliation/abuse…sabotage, etc…

    Now, i actually feel better if my son stays home…i should have to wake J up soo early for him…and also, he had temper tantrums before cancelling the last minute…that is stressful for me…and i don’t want to affect my schedule and planning with our son…he helps with no money, no time, nothing…i owe him nothing…

    And then, the 2nd dude:

    He’s been txt for over a month…we finally met last weekend…i continued to get nice txt from him…comments about meeting…but no plans…and last nite, he txt me…about inviting me to watch a movie at his place…my heart dropped 🙁

    My inner drama was like “shut the f*uck up! really? are u kidding me? who the f*uck u think u talking to?”
    arghhh….i responded…”his invitation feels very casual to me…is that what he is looking for?” he responded ” no…just saying in the future…”

    i was like “huh?”…and responded ” i feel confused…” he mumbled something…to which i didn’t respond…

    this morning he txt again…”hope i didn’t confuse u too much”…i responded…”hmm…i feel a bit afraid to share this…but here it si…i like u and i would like to get to know u…yet, i feel concerned as to how we are progressing…no planned dates, no phone calls, only txts and casual invitations…it feels bad to me…and i don’t want to feel that way with u…what do u think?”

    i felt sooo proud of myself for standing up and expressing …

    yay…to my inner Drama Queen…she takes no Shit no more…:(



  394.  #396DE on July 30, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    OMG….

    My ex husband (for 8 years we’ve had serious battles…) and here for the 1st time in gosh 10 years the least, he says…”i’m sorry u feel that way, blah blah, blah…” …how he doesn’t have a working car right now…and he has to use his mom’s car, etc…….but still this is WOW…..i feel tearful…and for the 1st time in sooo long…i feel heard…and touched…:(

    Feeling message do work on the most toxic relationships…just amazed…

    Oh, and the other one…answered too…
    he said ” sorry u are right. we need more involvement with each other. and i wanna do a lots of things with u…the long hrs are draining me right now…sorry the hrs will be normal in ab a month…i totally understand if u don’t wanna wait. not trying to move so slowly…” Hmm…working on an answer…



  395.  #398Emoticon on July 30, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    Oh wow DE …. AWESOME! I love how u handled both situations. I feel so touched byt he way things worked out 4 u. Feeling messages really do work and you are really good at using them.



  396.  #399Laughing goddess on July 30, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    I feel inspired to share this quote from a book I’m reading.

    “The goal of emotional freedom is balance. Although in Western culture, being in touch with emotions has become a pop religion-making the expression of feelings an end in itself-the point here isn’t to self-indulgently emote or to wall off your feelings. Rather it’s to become a more caring, aware person. Another goal is to reconnect with your vital essence, which thrives if it’s not pulverized by stress and pessimism. What a gorgeous feeling when you are tapped into it!”

    Judith Orloff, M.D.
    Emotional Freedom



  397.  #400Wildflower on July 30, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    RE 391 the “giraffe” is the fact that I’m returning to a different continent soon (where I live). He and I ultimately live several thousand miles apart. So if it was going anywhere it would be long distance.



  398.  #401Wildflower on July 30, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    DE LOVED your post too. Thank you!! Loved the way you handled the “casual” guy. I feel afraid to say stuff like that because I feel like I’m telling them what to do. I figure if they want to take me to their house and just hang out than so be it, their the man let them lead. But I sometimes forget that I can say no I don’t want to do that. Nothing personal to them it’s just not what I feel like doing all the time.



  399.  #402Laughing goddess on July 30, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    What does emotional freedom mean?

    It’s the capacity to give and receive more love. Getting there entails building positive emotions as well as facing and releasing negative ones. Instead of spinning out with, say, anger after you’ve been hurt, you’ll respond from a centered, more empathetic place. Emotional freedom includes both personal and spiritual evolution. Learning to work with negative emotions, rather than collapsing into them, helps you grow spiritually and rise above what is small within you. Becoming free means removing counterproductive emotional patterns and viewing yourself and others through the lense of the heart.

    Judith Orloff, MD
    Emotional Freedom



  400.  #403Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    Tinque I love this:

    :Oh my I’m the queen of speeches. I used to totally rely on them, for if I didn’t come prepared, memorized speech at hand so to speak, I couldn’t get the words out, all thought flew away, andI would be left with nothing but total fluster. I don’t need them as much anymore the more open and relaxed I’ve become within myself and within the relationship, but here is the last one I wrote back in March –
    “I’ve been on an amazing part of my inner journey for awhile. It’s been difficult and painful and wonderful. As you know porn was the catalyst. Along the way I created a little box for the porn. In that context, within this box, I have come to not only accept it, I even enjoy some of it, but when it starts creeping out of this little box, I know it. I feel it. This makes me feel uneasy. It makes me feel anxious. Walls start going up, I feel tension in my body. This doesn’t feel good, and it can’t be good for us.
    A few years I kept some things from you because I didn’t know any other way. I was scared. I felt increasingly uncomfortable the longer I hid these things from you. It felt like lying. In a way it was lying. It felt awful, and I know that it felt awful to you when you found out. That’s not good. I don’t keep things from you anymore.
    I really, really don’t want pretense in our relationship. It doesn’t feel good. It’s not good. I want openness and honesty. Sometimes I’m going to be okay with it, and sometimes I’m not, yet I still want openness and honesty. This means a great deal to me.”
    I’ve got plenty more if anyone is interested.
    xxoo”



  401.  #404DE on July 30, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    Thank u Emoticon and Wildflower…:)

    It feels good to hear that my experience inspires u…:)

    I feel glad as in relieved for having the blog to express my experiences/self-doubts/successes…

    Warm hugs,



  402.  #405English Woman on July 30, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    Well I sent 2 emails last night to Mr Long Distance Man who supposedly wants to come and visit me and nada……..we had 2 very different conversations going on and I responded in the negative to convo 1 as in feeling not so good messages because I didn’t like what he had wrtten , then in number 2 convo it was about him coming here and that was a positive high vibe feeling RR type message with bits nicked from Plum, Daria, Lorelei, FW and plenty of other sirens…..

    Anyway it is HIS loss, I am a gorgeous lovely Siren…..who bought herself some nice little pressies today 🙂

    Had a weirdly funny moment last night at the supermarket, there was this man who kinda helped me with my stuff on the conveyor belt, quite easy on the eye, similar age group to me……so I TRIED my hardest to do the 5 second eye thing, probably managed 3 at the most LOL!! Then his partner who must have run back to get another item arrived and he was a MAN, and they did all this lovey dovey stuff at the checkout and departed and I felt like such a silly idiot for trying to connect with a gay man LOL!! But I forgave myself anyway……….



  403.  #406Erika Awakening on July 30, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I was noticing I felt incomplete with your community here, and I popped over for the first time in a long time.

    Lo and behold, you are ON VIDEO!! 🙂 How totally cool to see you on video 🙂

    Love,
    Erika



  404.  #407Daria on July 30, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    EW – that’s fine, you want to connect wiht all humans..



  405.  #408Daria on July 30, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    DE – wow that feels so inspiring.. thank you for sharing… i will be remembering that script next time i need it



  406.  #409DE on July 30, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    Erika,

    it feels good to see u here …even if it’s for saying “hello” these days…

    i get your newsletters and read your site often…i feel amazed by your abilities and success…congratulations!

    i feel very inspired by you;

    i often wished i could afford u…sigh

    warm hugs,



  407.  #410Erika Awakening on July 30, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    Thanks DE.

    In a “completion” space lately. A couple exes contacted me out of the blue recently, one to apologize, one to request completion from me. I met with him a couple of days ago. I feel surprisingly neutral about all of it.

    I love the idea of completion as an ending that’s really a new beginning 🙂

    How’s everyone feeling these days?

    – Erika



  408.  #411DE on July 30, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    Oh, Daria…i feel soo happy to get feedback from u 🙂 yay…:) i learned lots from u 🙂

    Miss you 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  409.  #412DE on July 30, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    Erika:

    Hmm…interesting…”completion”…I feel curious and intrigued by the term… what other terms would you use to define it and/or feel completion?

    warm hugs,



  410.  #413Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    Erika,

    I was just on your blog reviewing your no condoms idea. Was blown away by it. You come across really strong. You might not recognize me but I came here just about the time you were leaving. Great to see you posting.



  411.  #414English Woman on July 30, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    #410 Erika

    I LOVE the feeling of being neutral……neither here nor there………



  412.  #415Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    RE 405 You know what EW I find that gay men get the energy thing so easily and the ones I have been friends with are so easy to get along with and connect with. It is very easy to connect with them.



  413.  #416luzydel on July 30, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    I just got back from a Lunch CD, I felt a connection and it seemed we got along well, it lasted over 2 hrs.
    he mentioned seeing again, but we will see. he just broke up with his GF and may still be hung up on her, but I had a nice time and I liked that he is a guy who makes plans, take the iniciative without expecting me to hint or lead him that was nice at least.

    No other dates planed for the weekend so I will date myself tomorow :)…



  414.  #417Erika Awakening on July 30, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    HI Femininewoman,

    Ah yes my condom post. Perhaps it would have been less triggering for some people if I had done a three-hour video program instead, explaining how I got to “no condoms” from a spiritual and holistic perspective. Even still, I grapple daily with how to present my perspectives in a way that people will be willing to set their fear aside for a moment and at least be open to the life-serving purpose behind these ideas.

    Hi DE,

    Completion. Another word for healing. The beautiful feeling I had when I left my job having every conflict there peacefully resolved and every person loved and appreciated — an ending that brings happiness and acceptance instead of pain. An ending that opens space for a new miracle to happen.

    When people feel resigned about what’s possible, they say “I just have to let go because I don’t see any other option for resolving this and moving on.” With completion, moving on is painless, feels natural, and may result in a new beginning even with the same person. In my experience.



  415.  #418Erika Awakening on July 30, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    But enough about me … what does completion mean to you?



  416.  #419DE on July 30, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    FW:

    No condom idea on Erika’s blog? Gosh, how did i miss that? Could you please share a link on that? 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  417.  #420Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    .

    When we do this – when we take the oars of the relationship in our own hands and start rowing, when we try to “take care” of our men, their homes, their needs, we turn into their “mothers,” “sisters,” “friends” or “housekeepers.” That’s why he’s “not in the mood” to kiss her. What man wants to kiss his mother, sister, friend or housekeeper?

    If any of “Missing C’s” situation sounds familiar, know that this is one of the most COMMON things that happens in relationships, and that the mistakes I’ve listed – even though they seem bad, are the ones most of us make ALL THE TIME! We’ve been TRAINED to make these mistakes. We do these instinctively, and they feel right. But they destroy relationships. So what can Missing C do, and you, if you’ve found yourself in the same situation?

    First, Step Back. Stop what you’re doing. You don’t have to leave him – there’s a Third Way – the Rori Raye Third Way. Here are some things to get you started toward righting yourself so you can right this relationship.

    1. Start dating other men – start “Bridging.” Fill up your calendar days in advance, and if he doesn’t call in time to book you, use Feeling Messages to say how great it would feel to see him, but you can’t, you’re already booked. You don’t have to tell him you’re dating unless he asks. It’s an absolute given to ANY man that you’re not exclusive until a real future is at least on the table.

    2. Be warm and open to him, but never, ever Lean Forward.

    3. Treat him as you would any other man you’re dating who’s after your heart. Give him no extra consideration. That means – no driving to his house, cleaning ANYTHING, GIVING anything, or thinking about him when he’s not in front of you.

    4. Learn to say No and practice doing it with him.

    Exactly how-to-do these steps to have the man and the relationship you want is in the bottom- line, important, life-changing Tools my work is all about. This may seem hard, but it isn’t. We make the same mistakes over and over because of habit – and it doesn’t have to be that way.

    Just feeling empowered for one tiny moment can be huge. If you put that together with other tiny, empowering moments – you’ll be stunned at how quickly you start to feel stronger all around – and attract whatever man is standing nearest to you in a sudden and intense way that you’ll have to experience to believe.

    Love, Rori Raye



  418.  #421Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    Luzydel congrats. Your energy in your words feels lighter



  419.  #423Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    Tip #3: Don’t plan dates.

    You want to plan the date because you’re uncomfortable with him possibly being clueless. However, you’ll never know what a man is capable of until you let him do what he does, even if that’s nothing.

    The amazing thing is that once you get comfortable with your own boundaries and feelings, you can just let a man be who he is and then determine whether or not you want to be with him. This attitude shifts your vibe so dramatically that a man will jump hurdles to be with you. A woman who can respect a man enough to not try to “pick up the slack” for him is the woman he falls in love with.

    By Rori Raye



  420.  #424Laughing goddess on July 30, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    DE: I feel so exciting reading about your experiences today! Very exciting!



  421.  #425DE on July 30, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    Erika #417 & 418:

    I love your meaning of “completion”…

    Initially reading u post #410, it briefly brought up the word “closure” …and yet, i felt that was not it that was i felt intrigued and curious…:)

    To me, closure was a term I used to use to address a conflict resolution within myself…even though the “perpetrator” was someone else…my mind assumed i was done “wrong”…and therefore, closure created the reconciliation within to make peace with the “wrong doing” …:)

    Yet, i read the word “completion”…it brings positive feelings…in my mind and heart, it recognizes the accomplishment of a purpose/mission that someone in our life helped us with…intended or not intended…positive or negative…

    Completion implies a winning outcome…feelings of empowerment and like u said…”it marks a new beginning”…

    Thank you for sharing this…i feel enlighted 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  422.  #426DE on July 30, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    Laughing Goddess:

    Gosh, i miss u voice here 🙂 Thank u, thank u…i feel very happy ab it 🙂

    How have you been?

    Warm hugs,



  423.  #427Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    DE I felt energized and inspired. I am thinking what name to give my inner drama queen and how to use her. He drawback in the past has been coming out in public and shaming men. Now that that has healed I need an appropriate name so I can feel comfortable knowing I can bring her out in the right moment.



  424.  #428DE on July 30, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    FW #422:

    Thank you 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  425.  #429Laughing goddess on July 30, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    Hi DE! I miss you tooooooo!

    I was having some challenges with my Internet connection and while that was down, I just got out of the habit of being on the computer so much.

    And now that it’s back on, I’ve been busy with band stuff and enjoying the summer weather. I’ve been having fun with my beloved and sweet little pups. And spring (even though it’s summer now) cleaning. I came into a little extra money and I’ve been looking for some furniture to buy with it.

    I have commitment issues with furniture 🙂
    I’ve been here for 2 1/2 years. I didn’t really have any furniture when I moved in because I had been in traveler/adventurer mode for several years and was keeping my personal items to a minimum for ease sake. My place was just furnished with lovely pillows and fabrics and plants and lighting. I now feel ready to commit to some couches and bigger furniture and I’ve been looking around for that. Trying to get clear on what I really want.

    Also gettin more and more clear on what my next step is professionally. I would love to discuss that with you more. I feel really excited about it!!!!

    I also feel so happy reading your stories and basking in your positive and uplifting energy.



  426.  #430Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    There is another way to go with this other than sticking it out or leaving. This Rori Raye Third Option is working for many of my clients – you’ll be able to tell very quickly whether or not it’ll work for you.

    The core of my work is to help you draw a man emotionally closer to you, so he’ll instinctively move the relationship ahead more quickly all by himself.

    We draw men to us by being utterly authentic and utterly vulnerable, and we are authentic and vulnerable when we are in our bodies and feelings rather than in our heads.

    This requires having very strong boundaries, and understanding what being authentic, vulnerable, and having boundaries looks and sounds like.

    Demonstrating that we have boundaries conveys confidence and belief in ourselves – (and you can do this even if you’re shaking inside).

    Following and speaking from your feelings conveys several things: One, you are the feeling person in the relationship, and you expect and honor that he will do the thinking, and two, you cherish your own feelings, and expect him to cherish them also.

    It also gives him the space to access your feelings, your softness, and to move closer to you no matter how scared he is. Both you, and the relationship with it, become softer.

    As strange as it sounds, heartbreak is easy. We’re used to getting dumped. We’re used to leaving. We’re used to not having what we want.

    Really think about it – what would it look like, and how would it feel if you could have the relationship you want? Chances are, though the fantasy may feel wonderful, it also feels a little scary.

    We’re all so frightened of really being intimate with someone, we’ve all figured out over our whole lives how to speak to men in ways that actually keep them at a distance. How to use our bodies in ways that push them away rather than draw them in.

    This Third Option requires that you pretty much reverse everything you’ve been doing up to now! That means making all kinds of changes in yourself – the way you think, the way you speak, the way you move.

    It’s about dropping all the old patterns of behavior that have been getting you nowhere, and beginning to just be in a completely new way.

    Sincerely, Rori Raye



  427.  #431Erika Awakening on July 30, 2011 at 2:11 pm

    “Yet, i read the word “completion”…it brings positive feelings…in my mind and heart, it recognizes the accomplishment of a purpose/mission that someone in our life helped us with…intended or not intended…positive or negative…

    Completion implies a winning outcome…feelings of empowerment and like u said…”it marks a new beginning”…”

    DE, I like the way you describe it. Yep, it feels warm and fuzzy. And to me it means all blame has been removed from the situation. In years past, I had some awful conflicts at that job, and the way I used to live, I would have quit thinking I “got away” from the conflict, only to go somewhere else and recreate the same conflict with someone else.

    This time, I left loving and appreciating every human being who worked there, and I actually cried for several hours because these people (some of whom I once thought were my “enemies”) had through my own transformation and healing become my dearly loved and loving friends. And then after I cried, I let go easily, softly, and lovingly. It felt complete.

    That is why I believe in completion. For me, it honors everyone involved, and it restores love and peace and freedom of choice.



  428.  #432DE on July 30, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    Laughing Goddess:

    Omg…these are awesome news…all the way…

    I would LOOOOOVE to discuss more about it!!! I have things to share too 🙂 And u were on mind to ask about something too…Yay…that feels awesome!!!

    Going to gym right now…maybe when i return or tomorrow on fb or skype?

    Warm hugs,



  429.  #433Laughing goddess on July 30, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    I also feel so inspired by this book I’ve been reading that I quoted above.

    I was feeling very triggered by this new woman that has joined our band. I was perceiving her as being incredibly negative and seeing her negativity seeping into the overall vibe of the band. I felt so disappointed because the band is one of my things, my joy things and it felt so horrible to see negativity taking over.

    The ideas in this book have really helped me to understand how to deal with her in a positive way and to also have compassion for her. Her NV’s are so strong within her that she takes them as truth. And then spews them out all over the place.

    I felt really triggered by that as I am trying to quiet my own NV’s and give them less airtime. Also she has this sour energy about her often which just feels draining to be around. And I find it difficult to play music with someone that I don’t feel a connection with.

    Anyway…I felt really down and discouraged about it earlier this week but now I feel very empowered and even excited about seeing her.

    I’m realizing that I can retain my positive energy around her by having clear boundaries and seeing that she is just hurting inside and having compassion for that.

    I was finding myself wanting to put up walls towards her.

    Now it all just seems funny.

    I feel excited and empowered!



  430.  #434Laughing goddess on July 30, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    DE: I don’t have skype right now but fb would be great. I look forward to chatting with you!



  431.  #435DE on July 30, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    Erika #431:

    “For me, it honors everyone involved, and it restores love and peace and freedom of choice.”…

    Wow…sooo beautiful 🙂

    I sooo relate to you “work” experience…mine also has improved tremendously because of my own changes… i

    i want very much to leave my job…yet, i am there because of the medical coverage for my son …he has preexisting conditions (former cancer patient with current physical medical needs);

    yet, i am thinking bold (sometimes i feel scared…and tell myself “u are fric*king crazy woman, how u gonna do it?” lol) …

    i give myself no more then 5 years to continue working here (even considering a part time with them to maintain coverage) yet, in the mean time begin the journey to fulfill my heartfelt purpose…

    I feel really inspired reading your story and commitment…:)

    Warm hugs,



  432.  #436Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    RE 433 I know what you mean LG



  433.  #437Laughing goddess on July 30, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    Another concept that I felt very inspired by in the book was that when we are feeling disempowered we can try to manage these emotions by going into certain states. She talks about how to recognize them in ourselves and others and ways to transform them.

    -the victim
    -the splitter
    -the controller
    -the criticizer
    -the narcissicist

    I normally feel resistant to the ideas of labels yet I found this helpful because it’s not meant to label someone as always being that way but more describes a behavorial and energetic pattern that can be changed.

    She also talks about how really sensitive people can feel incredibly drained being around these patterns…in ourselves and in others.

    She gives strategy for how to deal with them…such things as nvc and feeling messages, having compassion for the internal conflict the person is experiencing, and how to stay grounded round that.

    Love love love it! It’s exactly what I was needing to read right now!



  434.  #438Laughing goddess on July 30, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    FW: You were taking some music lessons, ya? How’s that going?



  435.  #439Lilybelle on July 30, 2011 at 3:02 pm

    429:

    I am so happy to see you here. That is not a feeling, it is a fact.

    🙂



  436.  #440Jeannette on July 30, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    Does anyone on here just stay in on Saturday eve.’s? I get to thinking too much when I am alone at home on Sat.’s about all the times me and Steve spent together. This was the eve. when he and I could catch up and spend quality time…now it just feels so lonely. Are there some who like their Sat. eve’s alone? Could you tell me what you do during this time? Do you ever feel isolated from the world? Maybe it depends if you have anyone else living at home? Just curious..



  437.  #441Mel on July 30, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    I’m back. We had a nice visit at the winery, but a few times I felt myself getting teary eyed because that’s something I used to do with my husband a lot. Bittersweet.



  438.  #442Laughing goddess on July 30, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    Lillybelle: I feel so warm, and safe, and seen in your ‘virtual’ presence. Thank you for being you! What an amazing gift you are!



  439.  #443Laughing goddess on July 30, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    Jeanette: I LOVE sat eves alone! I use that time to do something I’ve been wanting to do but couldn’t find the time. I will treat myself to a good meal. I often forego social invites to spend time with myself on that day.

    Is there something you’ve been wanting to do lately…like take a long bath with great smelling oils, or read a great book, or make yourself a special meal?



  440.  #444Liz on July 30, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    I’m here most always. Sad but tru



  441.  #445Jeannette on July 30, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    So I take it Liz it’s not what you rather do?



  442.  #446Jeannette on July 30, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    Laughing Goddess…without giving your age away, are you young or middle aged? I am older and sometimes feel like the world is passing me by…I think I will do some writing tonight…I am going to try and learn to like being with myself…I think this is something that will prove healthy for me…for the time being…



  443.  #447Mel on July 30, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    That’s so hard… does it ever get to the point where I can begin to do things that I love and not feel sad about them because he’s not there to enjoy them with me?



  444.  #448Patricia on July 30, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    Hello Sirens

    I hope it is pleasantly sunny and warm where you are…it is glorious on this part of the island where I am 🙂

    I’ve got a question if I may……..

    we talked a few days ago and prior about avoiding the “how are you” with a man……..if it feels effective let’s say….lol…..

    I am wondering…..if a man relates to you part of his day…and you plan to chat on phone later because he has plans with his dad or male friend….doing guy things that were planned….all good….and he’s excited about the time he’s going to spend with the “guys” how would you respond? would you say “enjoy your time with the guys” or “enjoy”….in a polite way (there’s not resentment meant, it’s actually a genuine hope that he has a good time doing the man cave thing)……and say it in a matter of fact sort of way……..ideas?



  445.  #449Patricia on July 30, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    447 Mel

    “yes””” and “yes” again….and when you get to that point it can feel great……and funny enough…the question I mention above might even come up!
    lol



  446.  #450Patricia on July 30, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    Mel
    what you describe sounds like going through a grieving process……all quite normal I would say…these transitions take a bit of time….
    (hugs)



  447.  #451Butterfly Wings on July 30, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    353: Femininewoman
    I’ve been with him for almost a year and a half (on and off – mostly on), and I like what you said.

    As for the guy I’m not attracted to, I remember that blog post of Rori’s where she talks about something that grows from zero chemistry, as opposed to starting off with the chemistry… hmm… I soo like the chemistry! lol

    I didn’t have the chemistry with my first hubby, and it initially wasn’t there with the second either – we just clicked and of course it grew… And look how that turned out! 😛 Oh I don’t know!!!????

    Both the Saturday night guy and ex coworker are talking about how I attract them physically, although saturday night guy said after the first night that I “took his breath away”… awww! He at least knows what to say! I think I also like him because he’s young and energetic (6 years my junior and loves water sports) and ex coworker is 8 years older and seems really old in comparison! I sooo do not want to end up with an “old” man, meaning no matter how old he is, I want him to at least act young and energetic and wants to get out and enjoy life! TH unfortunately is NOT like that and is 9 years younger!

    Nah don’t like the idea of a cock fight! 🙂 But it would be a very interesting night if they were to both meet up. I’m still not sure if TH is even going to join me, so I may not even have to worry!



  448.  #452Mel on July 30, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    @ Patricia:

    Good! Because I feel miserable when I go out to do something I LOVE and then he creeps into my mind and spoils it for me. Like…we’ll never get to do this again together… and that just sucks because then it’s like a slap from reality that knocks me down. And then I don’t want to do that thing again because oddly enough the “good” memories are just too painful right now.



  449.  #453Patricia on July 30, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    Mel I’d like to say I can relate……….though I ‘m not walking in your shoes this moment…….it’s like having to re invent your life a bit….keeping what fits…that you still want to do and doing it a lot ! So you get into your own groove,,,,,not you and him groove. Some things you’ll transition easily and some may be a little harder…..might be helpful to start with the easy things first……….I remember the first time after my separation (and eventual divorce)…the first time that I went to the movies alone! Would never ever have done that before……it was a real milestone……I saw Catch me if You can with Tom Hanks and Leonardo Di Capria….oh good movie…….and over time I got my muscles back and my ex husband moved out of my head!!!! (same process with previous boyfriends too)…and then there was lots of room for me in my heart and head and opening room for another man…….over time…..

    you can’t get it wrong….and you WILL get there!!!



  450.  #454Mel on July 30, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    Thanks Patricia! That helps. 🙂

    Sometimes these things just come up unexpectedly. Like today, I totally didn’t expect it to bother me and then WHAMO! Wow, that felt terrible. And I was in public and around my mom and I had to hold it together (good thing I had sunglasses) but now I’m a bit of a wreck.



  451.  #455Jeannette on July 30, 2011 at 4:20 pm

    Laughing goddess, I guess that was too personal a question….sorry!!



  452.  #456Patricia on July 30, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    Mel

    for sure…it’s going to be unexpected….so I just told myself….hey’..it’s ok …I’m learning what triggers me….and it should trigger me because I’m grieving and transitioning here…so I’m normal ……and if I do this particular thing again I may get triggered again….but less intensely…I’ll see for myself…….I think it’s good to have a “tool kit” as Rori calls it…or safety plan,….or comfort place or item……….I use to carry stones that had key words on them like “love” or “believe” or have music handy to help me calm myself…..lately some of that music includes a song by Kylie Minogue called “get out of my way”…..I love that song….if i can find it I’ll post it in a bit……or a place i can go….I have a special place close by along the shoreline where I’ll bring my coffee and sit….and just let the water and rocks hold me up……over time these things comfort us and are a form of self love….and move things along…….good to try different things…..

    xo



  453.  #457Patricia on July 30, 2011 at 4:31 pm


  454.  #458Mel on July 30, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    Thanks so much Patricia!

    Those suggestions were so helpful!

    I ordered myself a ring a little while ago (still waiting for it in the mail though) for that purpose. Something I’ve always wanted and to remind me to keep my heart open.

    I also like your idea of sitting by the water with a coffee. I find water really calming and will often walk my dogs by the river.

    I’d love to hear that song if you can find it. 🙂



  455.  #459Patricia on July 30, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    Mel
    I posted the song on 457….let me know how you feel when you watch it……(no hints from me) lol



  456.  #460DE on July 30, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    Jeannette #455:

    Oh no…Laughing Goddess is very open and generous; and she has shared her age here on the site before…She is likely busy and not online 🙂

    I feel certain she will get back to you soon 🙂

    In the meantime, I would really explore you feeling of “rejection” and “urgency” which I sense…i would use riffing to express what i am feeling…during these moments of waiting on someone…and of course, my expectations of having people respond to me…:)

    I noticed the more I do it…(even with the risk of feeling silly and embarrassed at first) I end up feeling better and stronger…and of course, less expectations 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  457.  #462Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    DE

    LG has indicated that she has had internet issues



  458.  #463Jeannette on July 30, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    DE, what is riffing?



  459.  #464Mel on July 30, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    Heehee, like it! Especially the video! LOL 🙂

    I also enjoy “Tango Shoes” by Biff Naked. She’s Canadian… so maybe not too well known…and it’s a few years old. Also kinda cheesy, but cute.

    But I like the line “My new tango shoes… gonna help me dance away from you…” Probably because I like to dance.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XhEIm9PEGAs



  460.  #465Erika Awakening on July 30, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    Hey DE,

    Yeah, the health and other benefits was a fear that came up for me as I went through the process of preparing emotionally to quit my job .. I did some tapping on it … I still don’t have all the issues resolved, and I probably would never have quit if I waited for that. Faith is what gave me the strength to embark on my new life.

    I have a pretty solid core belief by now that “things have a way of working themselves out” and “I’m always safe” … that helps me go in new directions even if I don’t have all the uncertainties worked out … it actually feels kinda exhilarating.

    A practice I’ve returned to lately that I find very helpful is sorting out “stories” from “facts.” So most beliefs about “how men are” and “how women are” for me are interpretations, not facts. And if the interpretation creates pain for me, then it’s not something I want to keep. Life is very simple when it’s all facts 🙂

    It was interesting how I’ve partially lost my sense of time too. I heard some of the posts about it being Saturday, and I said “is it Saturday?” to myself and then laughed cuz I didn’t even know what day it was … feels liberating 🙂

    Love,
    Erika



  461.  #466Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    Patricia I would just say enjoy and maybe throw in something that I would be enjoying doing at that time.



  462.  #467Mel on July 30, 2011 at 5:04 pm

    Only one “f” = Bif. Oops



  463.  #468Mel on July 30, 2011 at 5:05 pm

    Oh my… what a cheesy video I posted! lol Haven’t seen the video before. 😉



  464.  #469Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 5:09 pm

    Mel grieving is a process that is human in times of loss. We grieve the loss of jobs, relationships, loved ones, animals you name it. Until we allow the process the emotions get stuck inside us, and will resurface. I believe you are grieving the loss of this relationship. Just because a relationship failed does not mean you are a failure. I would say allow yourself to grieve, you are suffering a broken heart that needs to heal. It will become whole again.



  465.  #470Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    RE 438 Fantastic LG. I have started to feel proud of myself instead of intimidated and conspicuous. I am no longer a newbie.



  466.  #471Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    Erika the energy behind your words seem different since you were here last. Aside from what you already posted, has anything else significant happened that you might be comfortable sharing?



  467.  #472Erika Awakening on July 30, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    hey FW,

    How does it feel different to you?

    It’s been an externally quiet, internally lots-of-energy-shifting few months.

    I’m not quite sure how to share here right now so I’m stepping slowly 🙂

    What kind of sharing do you most enjoy here? I’m interested in sharing in a way that doesn’t get into “stories” and interpretations. If you have suggestions for that, I’d love to hear them.



  468.  #473Femininewoman on July 30, 2011 at 5:30 pm

    I guess it is the quietness I am sensing. I feel intrigued by the “internal lots-of-energy shifting”.