Love Advice: What If There Were No Villians – Not Even Him When He Hurts You?

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bad boyIf there were no villains – and no one to blame (not even ourselves) – what would that look like?

Everyone who writes romance novels knows that to write a good heroine, she must be “flawed.”

She must be human. (Even if she’s a magical goddess.)

Human in the sense of being complex and deeply layered, and yet understandable and relatable.

Are you trying to make yourself perfect?

And more on this “villain” business: What would it FEEL like to have no one (even ourselves) to blame?

I know for myself that it feels “all at sea” sometimes to have no one to point the finger at.

It’s like coming up with a whole new vision of the world.

Without a “villain” – there’s no “right.”

There just…IS.

What do you do with your anger when there’s no one (especially yourself) to lay it on?

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1April Rose on February 9, 2012 at 7:08 am

    Ooooooh. There’s always a villain!! Usually him!!

  2.  #2Femininewoman on February 9, 2012 at 7:09 am

    Wow what a concept.

  3.  #3April Rose on February 9, 2012 at 7:20 am

    Today my backdrop of beautiful stars and a galaxy of supanovas was obliterated.

    It was a scene I painted on the black backdrop of the theatre in which I live and work. I loved it so much. I put my own starlight into that painting. It was there through all the shows I performed last year.

    This morning I entered the auditorium to see it annihilated. I big bloke in overalls was sloshing at it with a heavy brush of sticky paint.
    My swirling milky way was gone.

    I felt shocked, sick and sad.

    I knew it had to go one day, when other shows wanted other backdrops.

    It just felt so harsh to have it taken away so unceremoniously.
    I wanted to touch it, kiss it, say goodbye first.

    WM said it’s okay those people will paint it all back when their show is over.
    That felt so bad. Like they could paint ‘my’ stars. Like that’s all they were. I felt so lonely that he could imagine a bloke in overalls painting my starshine.

    Feeling so sad that he doesn’t ‘get me’.

    There is no villain here, but I felt angry and sad AT HIM. Yes, it is him who doesn’t get me. I am sad for my starlight painting, but sadder that it is so un-precious to him.
    My fault that I haven’t let him know how precious it was to me?

  4.  #4Memulo on February 9, 2012 at 7:22 am

    Yes, this is the concept that I’ve been trying to grasp intuitively , but now Rori is bringing up it for a discussion!

    I am supposed to meet up with SmartCD today and previously we were planning to see a movie. But I have a feeling that he will ask what I want to do again and/or suggest dinner at his house. Not sure it’s a good idea at this point.. but I wonder if this will not lower the attraction if I refuse the offer

  5.  #5Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 7:25 am

    Fascinating topic about no villain. I agree about not placing blame, but I believe there IS right and wrong.

  6.  #6Lizka on February 9, 2012 at 7:26 am

    Didn’t see there was a new article and i posted this on the last one…

    968: Lizka says:

    Thank you Liz. This is really nice to read.

    I have a lot of people aroun me, but don’t feel close to anyone.

    For exemple, since I was a kid, it always been hard for me to have people together for my birthday. My birthday is on the 5th of July. In Canada, it’s often the long weekend for Canada Day + the weekend were A LOT of people are moving out. It’s also the beginin of summer, people are excited to go camping, etc. Even when I was younc, I had to deploy extra energy to have just a few friends to my birthday party. An it’s still like that. Last year, I invited like 30 people for a restaurant+club and I had… 4 at the restaurant (P + one girl friend and her boyfriend) and just a few more at the restaurant.. But only boys… and not reallyclose friends, just party-friends… None of my girl friends showed up, not even my 2 best friends…

    It’s like that every year…

    The year I had the best birthday was the summer I was DjCD’s girlfriend. He’s a very famous DJ here for the russian community and everyone knows him and respect him… This year, I had about 30 people at my birthday, and some of his guy friends even brought me flowers!! And they paid me drinks and treate like a princess… But I am aware that it was just because I was the DJ’s girlfriend…

    When I broke up with him, I never had that attention from these people after… And never had more than 10 people at a birthday party…

    Thursday, 9 February 2012 @ 7:12am

  7.  #7Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 7:35 am

    Surprise, surprise! Ryan just texted me asking how I’m doing! I told him wonderful!

    He asked how come? Another date?

    I wrote, “LOL! Yeah, I intend to date as much as I can for the next while.”

    Operation Shift My Vibe is underway. He doesn’t need to know I dated my Mom!

  8.  #8Sondra on February 9, 2012 at 7:36 am

    I feel like a potential Villian myself this morning – I left this post on the other thread – I don’t want to be the Villian – Match and I deserve our chance at happiness:

    965: Sondra says:
    I’m not very happy with myself this morning.

    I went out with some girlfriends last night and we talked about each other’s lives, just getting caught up. I gave them the update on my new Match guy – they have met him briefly when he came to pick me up at my work for our weekend get-away a couple of weeks ago, but they don’t really “know” him yet. Conversation turned to my former boyfriend, Gary who they knew and liked very much. We talked about him so much that when I got home I was missing him and . . . I TEXTED HIM! Ugh.

    Me: “Hey u – do u have the kids tonight?” This because he is supposed to have his kids every Wed night, but they often stand him up and it hurts his feelings.

    Gary: “Hey! Yes – we were in the garage working on the truck. So sorry it took me so long to reply” This was nearly 2 hours after I sent my text . . .

    Me: “That’s ok! I fell asleep on the couch! Crick in my neck! Ugh! Goodnight, Gary”

    Gary: “Good night, Sondra”

    Completely harmless, except it isn’t because I still have feelings for him and he knows it and now I feel like I sort of cheated on my new guy who is being absolutely wonderful to me and who worries that I am going to break his heart! I don’t want to sabotage what we are building.

    I felt like talking about Gary with my girlfriends built up this huge bubble in my chest that absolutely had to be eased or I would explode. Texting with him was like easing some of the air out (Imagine a balloon about to pop and you let just a little air squeak out) – I feel like I can breathe better, but I’m still disappointed in myself that it happened. I wonder how long it will take before I don’t feel that way about him anymore. I think of him several times a day, every day! I say his last name in my head like a sad mantra – longing for him. I do this without even realizing and then scold myself as soon as it happens.

    Ugh – I need to spend some quality time with Match tonight!

  9.  #9Femininewoman on February 9, 2012 at 7:37 am

    “Without a “villain” – there’s no “right.”

    Just last night we were discussing in a relationshp class the right/wrong concept that people bring up in relationships. One of the points was that in this paradigm there is a winner and a loser. If so this sets up the relationship to fail because the loser will inevitably feel insignificant. If we are on the same team how can there be a winner and a loser?

    I like this paradigm shift because it helps my mind to accept that people live life on their terms. As such I am not obligated to any one and no one is obligated to me. I pursue my own happiness and can choose to walk away from anything that does not feel good to me or does not honor me.

  10.  #10Memulo on February 9, 2012 at 7:40 am

    Hmm what’s the good way to say it though?

  11.  #11Mel on February 9, 2012 at 7:43 am

    So here’s a cute Mr. A story regarding feminine/masculine energy…

    I can’t remember what exactly we were talking about… something about the “way” I communicate. And I asked him “do you find me peculiar?” And he laughed, and said he loves the way I express myself and he finds himself thinking Oooh, so that’s what your brain is thinking… I would never have guessed. And he appreciates it because he feels like he gets me and that I’m transparent and there’s no weirdness. Then he said “but that’s okay because I’m a little weird too… more ‘sensitive’ and less masculine maybe.”

    And I said “Are you kidding me? You’re probably like the MOST masculine guy I have ever met. You take charge and arrange things and are protective and caring and a natural problem solver, and I am constantly surprised and thinking “wow… that’s how a REAL man should behave! In fact, your masculinity is one of the things I appreciate most about you.” He said “Huh. I never thought that about myself before, but I’m glad you appreciate it.” then he let out a long “Hmmmmmmm……”

    I seriously wonder if the poor man was constantly emasculated in his previous relationships?

  12.  #12Camille on February 9, 2012 at 7:44 am

    Brenda! You go girl!

  13.  #13April Rose on February 9, 2012 at 7:45 am

    I feel lonely, and cold behind my ribs.

    How can I live with a man, or even want to create a relationship, if he thinks that any old bearded guy in stained overalls can paint my starlight?

  14.  #14Susan on February 9, 2012 at 7:46 am


    At some point, without anger, it may become important for you to actually tell him, “I dont need someone rooting for me I need someone with me!”

  15.  #15Femininewoman on February 9, 2012 at 7:48 am

    Susan I prefer “It would feel so good to have the person rooting for right next to me.”.

    The “I don’t need” statement didn’t feel good to me.

  16.  #16April Rose on February 9, 2012 at 7:49 am

    Hi Brenda,

    I’m really liking Operation Shift my Vibe.
    Feels REALLY good.

  17.  #17Camille on February 9, 2012 at 7:51 am


    I totally agree, right now things are so unsteady. I really dont know if hes left for good, or still wanting to heal this relationship.

    I will tell him these things for sure if he keeps contacting me. He just left Sunday so Im still sorting through my feelings so I can be authentic.

    But the fact is…….he is not in front of me……so he is gone.

    He mentioned sending me a plane ticket to come and visit him.

    He will come back in about 6-8 weeks when the job is over. He has some things on my property and a bunch of things in a storage shed here.

    Hes using the job as the excuse why he left….but I dont feel thats the only reason.

    Just trying to get through this complicated stuff with little or no drama.

    And practicing being authentic with him and other men in all the situations going on around me

  18.  #18Susan on February 9, 2012 at 7:53 am

    RE: 11: Mel says:

    “And I said “Are you kidding me? You’re probably like the MOST masculine guy I have ever met. You take charge and arrange things and are protective and caring and a natural problem solver, and I am constantly surprised and thinking “wow… that’s how a REAL man should behave! In fact, your masculinity is one of the things I appreciate most about you.” He said “Huh. I never thought that about myself before, but I’m glad you appreciate it.” then he let out a long “Hmmmmmmm……”

    I seriously wonder if the poor man was constantly emasculated in his previous relationships?”

    Funny… this reminds me of Sweet Man. Sweet Man isn’t a cave man. He doesn’t force his views on others or try to control others. So he sees himself as not very manly. I see him as VERY manly. He always steps up to do the responsible thing and likes to be the one who makes plans. We joke around that we both know who the boss of the relationship is: him. And I think Sweet Man was emasculated in his previous relationships. That is a big reason why I let him have as much time as he needed to declare love. If I nudged it along, it wouldn’t have genuinely been from him. This may be the first time in his life that HE got to row the relationship boat. He was unsure about it for a long time, but he seems happy now. He tells me he has never been this happy in a relationship. And I have never ‘done’ less in a relationship.

  19.  #19Camille on February 9, 2012 at 7:55 am

    He also discovered and communicated before he left that he has a fear of intimacy. He wants to heal this. Thats what he communicated.

    So I’m glad hes aware, Hes working on it. And I am working on healing that very thing for myself.

    So our “relationship” has no label. We have been together off and on for 10 years! We both want to heal this fear and for me IM doing it! I have never been so honest, authentic and felt so much in my life.

    I dont want to take care of him any more. But I also dont want to be the cold, cactus I have been either. Whether we become a couple or not.

  20.  #20Camille on February 9, 2012 at 7:56 am

    Susan and Mel,
    What great role models……

    let them row row row the boat, gently down the stream! I love it.

    Thanks Sirens

  21.  #21Camille on February 9, 2012 at 7:58 am

    Feminine Woman #15
    That feels really good to read. Thank you!
    Im using that one.

  22.  #22Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 7:58 am

    Ha! Ryan just asked me question after question about and my dating! And, yes, it IS in motion. He asked me if I have a date tonight, and I said, “Not yet! :-)” LOL!

  23.  #23Ella on February 9, 2012 at 7:58 am

    Re-post from previous thread…

    Well, I think I am going to want to share at some point with MWC about my fears when people have a lot of alcohol, or are just not very good at taking care of themselves in general.

    I feel A LOT of fear about watching people get ill.

    So scared.

    Because it felt so painful to me before.

    MWC is always asking me to share stuff with him about how I feel and he seems interested to know about my Stepdad because he has asked a few times and when I have spoken about it I get upset…

    Thing is I do not want to approach this from blind fear and panic.

    I can’t change anyone’s behaviour.

    I can only work on me, and then decide whether I can accept that person and their behaviour in my life or not.

    I can also share how I am feeling.

    The world is not perfect, and people do things that are bad for their health all the time.

    Heck I do stuff that is bad for my health sometimes.

    I am not going to live my life from a place of fear.

    And sometimes people who are perfectly healthy can die too!

    We can’t hide from death, sometimes it happens.

    But, I can notice and honour my feelings, and share them with my man/men, and hope that he can honour them too.

  24.  #24Femininewoman on February 9, 2012 at 8:01 am

    Camille I can’t imagine that he feels masculine living in your house and maybe depending on you. Your statement about his things being on “your property” kind of stuck out to me. If this is what you are thinking it will leak out in your vibe. I believe this man is going through his emotional process. Maybe you healing yourself is what is triggering his healing. It seems to me that just accepting what is might be your best friend. However, only you can decide if what he is doing is enough for you.

  25.  #25Ella on February 9, 2012 at 8:02 am


    I LOVE this post!!


    On another topic, things I appreciate (and am going to say I appreciate) with MWC…

    How well he has managed the pub at work with our Managers away.

    And how he is a masc man that always takes charge and sorts things out, and is still tender and gentle with me.

  26.  #26Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 8:02 am

    April Rose,

    RE: #16 – Hehehee! Thanks! Sometimes you don’t know what is until you know what ain’t! And I have proven that NOT Circular Dating DOESN’T work.

    I understand the basic concept of CDing and I have for a couple of years. But I was feeling yucky about it, and still struggle with yuckiness, because it goes against my very loyal, devoted heart that wants to thrust all its energy to one man.

    Ryan had/has my love as I have never given it, and he is just taking it for granted. I have tried unsuccessfully to discuss and negotiate our relationship. He ends up just shut down. So I am going to let my actions show what I want to say.

  27.  #27lk on February 9, 2012 at 8:04 am

    i just love this

  28.  #28Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 8:11 am


    RE: #9 – Beautiful! Right on!

    Even tho I don’t completely agree with totally removing right and wrong, I DO believe in removing shame and blame.

    One of the things that helped me heal from 2009’s proposal heartbreak was not blaming Ryan. It took me two years to arrive at that point. Do I think he made mistakes? Sure. But I don’t believe he intended the effect it had on me. I think he was seeing a narrow view of the effect his actions and words would have on me.

    So I think it is WRONG to lead someone on to build up their expectations and then drop them cold. I believe Ryan WRONGED me, but I no longer feel a need to BLAME him.

    I think he was going about teaching me to allow him to take the lead. But he did it in a most hurtful way. I just was socially clueless and needed to be gently told. I mean, I read and listened to Rori, but my cluelessness was so deeply ingrained that I needed time to learn, heal, and transition. I didn’t realize the full scope of my leaning forward.

    And now I do, and I am correcting it as fast as I can.

    Now when Ryan tries to silently teach me things thru silence, I continue to find it hurtful, and I am choosing to pull away from him. He is doing his best. He is trying to be polite and avoid arguments by not discussing our relationship. I think he is making a mistake, but I can’t change him. I can only change me. So I don’t feel a need to blame him, but I do feel a need to pull away from him so I don’t stay in this chaotic place that is messing up my peace bigtime.

  29.  #29Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 8:20 am


    RE: #939 from “The Vortex” thread – You said, “Brenda @902

    “I know in my heart he has every intention of grooming me to be his wife.”

    Do you really still believe that, after he told you he didn’t like the friendship?”

    Yep, I do. I believe he is holding me at arm’s length by saying, “Just friends, just friends”, while in reality he is grooming me to be his wife. See how keenly interested he is in my dating, LOL!?

    I really am not going to go around and around in circles with explanations. If you saw his eyes of love less than two weeks ago as he gazed and smiled at me while we listened to Peter Cetera’s “The Glory of Love”, maybe you would understand. I can’t expect you to understand when you don’t experience all the subtleties of this genius-level man. I am following my intuition. I ran some stuff by Rori and she believes me, too. It’s just really hard to explain.

    Basically the “just friends” and “I’m not happy in our friendship” is a smokescreen to keep me chasing the carrot. But now I’m doing everything in my power to run the other direction. I decided I don’t like his “dating” style. It is not beautiful and joyful as romance should be.

    I want to be bombarded with unconditional love and acceptance by a man WHILE I am healing. I CAN’T heal in this chaotic environment of back and forth, up and down. See? Today is up with him.

    Let me ask you this: if you knew a man who was not happy in your friendship, would you expect him to text you the very next morning all interested in your dating life?

  30.  #30lk on February 9, 2012 at 8:28 am

    i’m cooking dinner tonight for CD : )))

    any suggestions ? i have never made a meal for him…

    hmmm yummy i do think i want mushrooms maybe ? oh i love to cook : )

  31.  #31Camille on February 9, 2012 at 8:29 am

    Feminine Woman,
    Once again you have hit the nail on the head!
    Living in my home was very emasculating to him.
    I felt as though I was opening up my home to him and sharing……he felt emasculated.

    I was unwilling to move though because of my children. I have had some “fear” around security and abandoment with previous relationship so it makes me feel secure to keep my home.

    What hes doing isnt enough for me absolutely, but right now in this moment. I dont feel ready for a full on relationship until I heal these deep seated fears in myself. Im certain my healing inspired his healing.

    I dont want anything from him right now. I just want to practice being authentic with every man Im around at the moment. But I do feel like practicing with him is a great healing tool because he triggers me so much because of our past.

    Not trying to push him out or bring him in right now. Just letting things flow letting him and all of them inititiate and trying not to be so closed off with all men.

  32.  #32Ella on February 9, 2012 at 8:30 am

    I just put up my new pink R Pole in living room.

    It is seriously GREAT and I LOVE it!

    Feeling very, very happy and have some people booked in for lessons with me.

    Also, all of my weight loss group have lost weight following my Red Sirens diet, in varying amounts between 1 and 3 lbs since last week, which is good healthy weight loss if you asked me.

    So feeling good about this too!


  33.  #33April Rose on February 9, 2012 at 8:30 am

    Brenda, re.26

    I can feel your “very loyal, devoted heart that wants to thrust all its energy to one man”

    It seems like you’re discovering that there is no urgency for you to do this. Not until, in Rori’s words
    “… you have EVERYTHING you want — the ring, the house, the wedding, the trip around the world — whatever it is that makes YOU feel like you have a great relationship that’s in the exact place you want it to be, AND you feel ABSOLUTELY SECURE inside that you are loved, cared for, and come FIRST in his life.”

    Also, I would ask your loyal heart to soften; less ‘thrusting'(masculine energy) and more ‘receiving’. Immerse yourself in the care of this loving heart of yours…

  34.  #34lk on February 9, 2012 at 8:30 am

    oh i want to do the bagna cauda : ) with lemony seasoned oil…. artichoke would be delicious…. blanched carrots & zucchini ? beer bread… yum

    really soft beef. how do i do that ?

  35.  #35lk on February 9, 2012 at 8:32 am

    & salad : ) with the baby kales. i like them !

  36.  #36Camille on February 9, 2012 at 8:32 am

    let me make it clear though that he did not live off of me. Or was financially dependent on me at all. I did not overdue in that regard.

    But I did overdue with things like cooking cleaning etc. He is a very proud man who believes in supporting the family financially. Very old-fashioned actually, but it did bother him that it was my home.

  37.  #37Femininewoman on February 9, 2012 at 8:33 am

    Camille he is obviously a masculine man.

  38.  #38siren song on February 9, 2012 at 8:35 am

    brenda, you rockstar!

  39.  #39lk on February 9, 2012 at 8:36 am

    are anchovies good to eat ? i think they are high in sodium… poor little guys…

  40.  #40Camille on February 9, 2012 at 8:39 am

    Hes very masculine, very. And I was very masculine energy when we were together. (Oh god I cringe now thinking about it) And FIERCELY independent.

    He tried so hard sometimes, but I didnt know any better and didnt have the tools I have now.

    When I do heal, I really feel hes deserving of all of my greatness, because he really worked hard.

    But we can reap the rewards of all of our work together or with different people …… My prince is on his way…..I dont know what his face looks like, could be Troy or someone even grander.

    Troy is shut down right now, because of my “fears” and all of my pushing. I was shut down when we were together, but Im not any longer. My hearts unzipped and Im open

    and the best man will rise up and claim his prize.

  41.  #41lk on February 9, 2012 at 8:41 am

    no way. i’m not doing artichoke. that sounds hard & gross right now & also like a lot of trash…

    also, i’m excusing myself from making bread. it will feel easy & fun to buy bread & i want to make this as gentle as possible on myself… babysteps, lk

  42.  #42Camille on February 9, 2012 at 8:43 am

    Thats sounds so wonderful, your making me hungry! LOL

  43.  #43Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 8:44 am


    RE: #934 – Thank you for all your wise words! I addressed a number of your points already in my above posts this morning.

    Um, YES, he IS sick. He is diagnosed with schizophrenia, and I accept him as he is. But it also means I need to stay on my toes. I navigate around the parts that are “not so much”. Call ME sick in return if you want. I will take the blows. But I know what I know about him, and I mean I know the good and the bad. And I believe in him. I believe the good outweighs the bad.

    When I have said I felt emotionally raped, perhaps that and comments like that were judgments on my part, a concept Rori tries to get us away from. I have STUDIED Ryan for 3 years, and particularly in this past month or so since he started reconnecting.

    I see him more clearly now. He is trying to correct my shortcomings nonverbally, by his actions, by removing his presence when he doesn’t like what I’m saying or doing. And, like I said, I have decided I don’t like that.

    I believe strongly that romance should be beautiful, joyful, and fun!

    So please know I am not blindly rushing into this every day. I am constantly in the process of evaluating and re-evaluating, both Ryan and me. I feel like I am on a good course of action now with Operation Shift My Vibe, which includes lots of dating and really getting my life together on every level. I am going to decide about seeing him step by step, and intuit my way.

    If he had asked to see me tonight, I would have said yes. If he contacts me tonight to see me, I will say no, I’m already booked.

    He has said the following words:

    It is such a miracle when two souls find each other in this huge world.

    I love you (many times, often while gazing at me for long periods)

    I care for you (after 20 minutes of silently gazing at me).

    You’re WONDERFUL (after cuddling intimately on the sofa while listening to Michael Bolton. He was laying in my lap, and I was caressing him with utmost sensitivity, expressing my love through my hands. He got up abruptly, crossing the room and sitting on another chair, with an intense gaze. I said with shock, “What?! What did I do wrong?” That was his reply.)

    We wrote a romantic poem together that we agreed to call, “Beyond Intimacy”. Among many other beautiful things he wrote, “She is ALL he ever wanted.”

    We took two day trips to the shore in 2009, one of which involved an intimate time in a hotel.

    I accidentally say a prayer he had written that said, “Please help me let go what I need to let go so I can be with this woman.”

    I also read something he wrote once, “I want her to be dazzling on our wedding day.”

    I believe he has his own unique style of “dating”. He won’t commit to a woman until he is SURE she is the one, and I think he wants to groom me to be his wife before committing. His is not the classic, textbook style of dating.

    I believe his intentions are good, but the end does NOT justify his means. It is a major issue.

    I am hanging loose until Valentine’s Day, and then I will re-evaluate and decide how I want to handle him after that.

    My biggest goal right now is to heal my inner pain and reformat myself. I want to be my best self. If I feel hindered by him, I will back away, as I’m currently doing. If I feel helped by him, I will allow him in. I don’t think he realizes the extent to which he is hindering my growth with his back and forth and up and down. He is doing his best, and I believe he intends to help me grow and be my best self.

    I am not ready to say no contact for 30 days. I considered it, and a week ago I almost told him I can’t handle just a friendship with you. But I now feel clear on my approach with him, after much, much soul-searching.

    Thank you for caring!

    Love, Brenda

  44.  #44Practicing girl on February 9, 2012 at 8:44 am

    I trust in myself and my boundaries and I honour myself and you by expressing how I feel about this and that. Therefore I accept and believe you when you say you only want to be friends… I do not blame you for your beliefs as they are rightly yours and shared in the spirit of honesty and not intended to hurt me. I thank you for your honesty.
    I choose to honour myself and my feelings in walking away, not blaming, as I know it will not feel good for me at this time to be friends in this way. Strange that I do not feel angry,…perhaps in acceptance there is little room to punish either one of us with it.
    So just as you are not the villian, I too am not the victim. No one is wrong here. I feel open to new possibilities!

  45.  #45Silver-Tongued Siren on February 9, 2012 at 8:49 am

    Brenda #7 – haha Yes!!!! I am trying to figure this out, I am working on being a bit more mysterious, and changing my routine/changing things up a bit, to renew the energy. Between MILW & I particularly. Esp since he tends to just DROP in (even after I have said don’t contact me unless it’s about a sexually exclusive relationship)… (immediately after the second time I said this, he dropped in to “spend some time with us?!!”) …

    anyway, your date with your Mom, PERFECT. We don’t have to date only other men, we can date ourselves, we can date the world…just go out there and practice your feminine feeling messages and rori tools with EVERYone. 😀 With men is always especially good though for me. It makes me feel more desired and Sireny.

    Also, thanks for posting the Sisters post.

  46.  #46Francesca on February 9, 2012 at 8:54 am

    Brenda @30

    “Let me ask you this: if you knew a man who was not happy in your friendship, would you expect him to text you the very next morning all interested in your dating life?”

    No, I wouldn’t. But if he did, I would certainly ask him what kind of game he’s playing.

    Brenda, I don’t mean to trigger you but reading what you wrote really makes me feel sad.

  47.  #47Starla on February 9, 2012 at 8:55 am

    I wonder how BW is doing and how all that went with her man last night.

    I wonder if lk saw my #866 on the last thread.

    And finally, I’m glad Rori is posting more frequent threads…it helps to have more frequent ones up so the number of comments doesn’t grow out of control on any one thread.

  48.  #48luzydel on February 9, 2012 at 8:55 am

    What if I just drop it! No CDs no prosp iects date etc. What If I just travel, take new classes, go out and enjoy my life. It will happen eventually, I just have to stop wanting it so hard. I remember when my previous relationship happened, they did when I was busy doing things I like. I’m going to Florida, going to take some writing classes at my local community college, and I’m buying a news already camera and do photography again …. no more online dating.
    He is out there, just haven’t met him yet. 🙂

  49.  #49Silver-Tongued Siren on February 9, 2012 at 8:57 am

    Oh I just remembered: I was going to say….

    When I try to do things without MILW (even though he’s constantly running off without me lately esp now that he’s “taking space” and doesn’t “want to be my life partner anymore”).. he always ASKS ME WHAT I’M DOING!!!!

    Now… mind you, he usually tells ME what HE is doing…..

    but… on the other hand, he has definitely been sneaky about doing some things I don’t like as well. He has NOT been fully upfront and honest with me this month.

    So when he drops in, sees me getting ready to go out, asks me what I’m doing… sometimes I have a hard time being elusive.

    Once I told him I was going “out” and he asked why I had to be like that? I scoffed (as he had just denied telling me which of my “friends” he had just slept with the other week).. he kept pressing and I said I was going to a photoshoot. He tried to be all touchy with me, hugging me, holding me, trying to have sex with me. (?!?!!!!!!!!!!) (he always gets like this when he feels me pulling away). I avoided sex. He still wanted to know with who and where? I think he did get out of me that it was a girls thing (damnit!) but I told him, “well, if you were going with me, you’d know! ;)” … (he was also going to a party that night, to which I was NOT invited, with people I want to have nothing to do with now).

    anyway, it’s hard though, for me to be like that as I want to encourage HONESTY, I like to be told what he’s doing.

    I might need some help with this, but I do my best to let his imagination do better than I ever could.

  50.  #50Ella on February 9, 2012 at 8:59 am


    If you are not vegetarian how about baked chicken breasts with lemon wrapped in parma ham with loads of yummy veggies like aparagus and wilted spinach.


  51.  #51April Rose on February 9, 2012 at 9:03 am

    @Kyla 648 on previous thread

    I feel inspired by your use of feeling messages and by telling your guy what you don’t like and don’t want.
    Seems like he really appreciates you communicating your feelings.
    Thanks for posting that. It has helped me a lot.

  52.  #52Francesca on February 9, 2012 at 9:04 am

    Lizka @ 963 (previous blog)

    “I feel jealous of your 8 days vacation an your mud bath with massage! Will go to the spa soon too I think…”

    I haven’t had a “real” vacation (if you can call a eight-day vacation a “real” vacation – I need at least two weeks to decompress totally) since last July and I only had a measly week during which I got into a fight my one of my sisters and I almost broke up with my man.

  53.  #53lk on February 9, 2012 at 9:10 am

    cd talked to me about cigarettes on tuesday, just mentioning a story he’d heard & encouraging me to stop & last night i had one last one with my neighbor lady friend : ))) awww i love her & then went up the mountain & when he asked me about smoking ( i didn’t even brush my teeth after the one with the neighbor – & also she asked me to do the final edit of her book ! that’s exciting : ))) ) & i said i brought one to have & it’ll be the last one i paid for. i felt annoyed that he then kept trying to convince me to stop after i just said i was stopping… like at dinner he kept saying reasons i should quit ? how annoying. i feel like i should be hearing him just congratulate me on stopping, but i suppose humans are used to watching other humans Try To Quit …. not Quit. but yayyy i’m a non-smoker : ) i know the Easy Way : )

  54.  #54Starla on February 9, 2012 at 9:10 am

    I cycle through the black and white assigning of villain role very quickly.

    It’ll go:
    He’s not giving me what I need (him villain, me victim)
    I’m being too demanding (me villain, him victim)
    But if I have to ask then he must not care (me victim, him villain)
    I must be worthless and awful (Me villain)

    Back and forth very quickly. I deeply care about this man and have no desire to see him as a villain. He has no desire to be one either. He’s really great.


  55.  #55Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 9:11 am


    RE: #911 – You said, “Whether someone wants you at your best or not that doesnt give them room to be your coach to break u down and wear you. Last time I checked we didn’t ask for that. THIS IS NOT LOVE..IF HE LOVED US WHY WOULD HE LET US HURT? Let us flounder in situations or belittle us by saying he is doing this to up our level of difficulty!!! What!!”

    I think Ryan loves me to the best of his ability. I don’t believe he is fully capable of real love as long as he is in the psychological prison of schizophrenia. I agree with you that him allowing me to feel hurt is wrong. I also see progress on his part from 2009.

    This relationship stuff is deep, you know? After 4 years (dating from when I first met him), it isn’t just that easy to walk away from a relationship. There are many bonds there. And many little understandings that only we share that I become increasingly aware others cannot be expected to understand, since they have not spent hundreds or thousands of hours with him up close and personal.

    I don’t want to walk away completely. Think “Beauty and the Beast”! Think Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, with a fiesty crocodile, trying to bite him, while Steve says, “Cha’lie! ‘e’s a noughty boy!”

    I radically, unconditionally love Ryan, including his shortcomings, weaknesses, ugly parts, and all. And isn’t that what Rori teaches us about how to love ourselves? Then that love slops over onto all those around us!

    I see him as he will be.

  56.  #56April Rose on February 9, 2012 at 9:11 am

    My fella perks up and looks interested when I make my feeling messages visual.
    I said I feel the ice fairies pressing their tiny cold fingernails on the inside of my heart.

    But I had no visual images to describe the preciousness of the starlight painting I did. I just asked him did he really think that some old man could re-paint it?

    He got instantly defensive, saying he’d tried to talk to me about it but I hadn’t wanted to hear.
    His timing is terrible – it’s like he chooses all the worst moments to approach me. Like when I am dreaming, or meditating, or writing on here…

  57.  #57Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 9:14 am


    RE: #54 – Good insightful processing! I think we all do that! Then just slather over both of you with love! 🙂

  58.  #58lk on February 9, 2012 at 9:15 am

    i want more discipline

    i want a schedule & a new journal

    i want yoga & meditation PLANNED in my life – built in.

    i need to do submit interview feedback Tonight o_0

    don’t forget, lk!

  59.  #59Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 9:25 am


    RE: #46 – “No, I wouldn’t. But if he did, I would certainly ask him what kind of game he’s playing.

    Brenda, I don’t mean to trigger you but reading what you wrote really makes me feel sad.”

    If I asked him what kind of game he is playing, that would be entering into the land of shame and blame. And to accuse him of playing a game would be a judgment.

    I asked him that in 2009, before I was at where I am now. He immediately shut down and said he was not playing any games. So it got me nowhere.

    It is clear to me that Ryan sincerely wants an amazing romance. But he won’t CALL it a romance until a woman is at a state of evolution that satisfies him.

    The fact is he has been a major catalyst for growth to me in the past 3 years. Again, I do NOT believe the end justifies the means. But I can tell his intentions are to help me be my best self. It’s just that with his schizophrenia, he has a mixed-up idea of the purpose of pain. So I protect myself by keeping my distance.

  60.  #60Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 9:29 am


    RE: #45 – Thank you! Well when I visited my Mom I did my share of flirting with men, too, including getting a hug from her favorite nurse, a man.

    My guess is that Ryan went to the weekly prayer meeting last night. Being there with no Ryan has triggered me into initiating contact with him the past TWO weeks. So I chose to stay away from it altogether. And to not ask him if he went, even tho I would love to know. 🙂 I don’t need to know.

    I feel really good how I am gaining emotional intelligence: knowing what to say, how to say it, and when to say it.

  61.  #61lk on February 9, 2012 at 9:34 am

    also write to my granddaddy, my brother & the professor with the fun clothes : )

  62.  #62Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 9:34 am

    Siren Song,

    RE: #38 – “brenda, you rockstar!”

    LOL, Thanks. I’m getting there, bit by bit. That feels good to hear. I am gaining much clarity, even if it isn’t fully evident yet.

  63.  #63lk on February 9, 2012 at 9:37 am

    @Ella YUM

  64.  #64Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 9:38 am

    April Rose,

    RE: #33 – “I can feel your “very loyal, devoted heart that wants to thrust all its energy to one man”

    It seems like you’re discovering that there is no urgency for you to do this. Not until, in Rori’s words
    “… you have EVERYTHING you want — the ring, the house, the wedding, the trip around the world — whatever it is that makes YOU feel like you have a great relationship that’s in the exact place you want it to be, AND you feel ABSOLUTELY SECURE inside that you are loved, cared for, and come FIRST in his life.”

    Also, I would ask your loyal heart to soften; less ‘thrusting’(masculine energy) and more ‘receiving’. Immerse yourself in the care of this loving heart of yours…”

    Wow, that was beautiful! Thank you! That helps me clarify, too, that there is no urgency for this single-hearted devotion. You and Rori are right on!

    I like what you said about softening and less thrusting – can you give me an example or two where I could implement that in practical terms in my life?

  65.  #65lk on February 9, 2012 at 9:38 am


    if it was you being sweet to me about my writing…. i did : ))) & i feel really happy & blush-y about it : )

  66.  #66Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 9:39 am


    RE: #32 – Wonderful! You mean like a pole dancing set up? Rori really recommends that for developing Siren energy!

  67.  #67lk on February 9, 2012 at 9:45 am

    i feel unsure about asking him to cook the steaks because i think i want to try this way of preparing steaks to grill but i feel afraid of cooking meat & it’s “my turn” ? but it’s my first time cooking for him & i already said, i’ll bake & you cook the meat ? & he said Yes, so i want to ask…. or….

    do i even have to ask ? can i just assume he’ll help me ? i guess if he for some reason said No, we could just freeze the meat….

    it was nice today hearing him say, it would be nice if i didn’t have to invite you & you would just come… i feel split about it. one way, i want to feel Invited & Welcome & also i do not feel that way all the way…. still feels like His Home… so….. but yes it would feel nice to feel welcome all the time, like Sharing, with no invitations because it is already Ours… hm.

  68.  #68Senior Lady Vibe on February 9, 2012 at 9:50 am

    Something might be “wrong” for someone else but it might be “right” and perfect for me. I enjoy finding what works for me.

  69.  #69Lizka on February 9, 2012 at 9:53 am

    Still feeling amazingly good and not worrying about ATW! La la la

    And I feel so proud of it! 🙂

  70.  #70Senior Lady Vibe on February 9, 2012 at 9:54 am

    From Dr. Oz show, superfoods for mood…

    to help deal with anxiety:
    kefir milk

    to help deal with mood swings:

    to help combat stress:

    kefir in mashed potatoes
    asparagus shavings in salad
    w/ orange vinaigrette dressing


  71.  #71mali on February 9, 2012 at 9:56 am

    Oh, wow… I love this post! It feels so peaceful to read =)

  72.  #72Starla on February 9, 2012 at 10:06 am

    My vibe feels so low suddenly. I feel sick and death in every cell of my body. My friend (being a subversive, passive aggressive d*ck [haha there i go with the villain thing], got angry at me for spoiling a short story he was reading, so he sent me a story about b*ndage and r*pe that tricks you into reading it thinking it’ll end differently, and reading it made me feel awful and raped and bad and not good and grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr i can’t finish my breakfast and my head hurts and i want to vomit and i feel angry and upset.

  73.  #73CurvySiren10 on February 9, 2012 at 10:07 am

    In effective conflict resolution, there is no winner or loser. You are both working together against the ISSUE, on the same side of the net. This is a topic I am fascinated with. I feel happy to see Rori addressing it.

  74.  #74lk on February 9, 2012 at 10:08 am

    feeling messages at work feel SO scary

  75.  #75Ella on February 9, 2012 at 10:10 am

    Brenda re 66

    Yes. I am qualified to teach it now, and I am having a stripper show me some dance moves 😉

  76.  #76lk on February 9, 2012 at 10:12 am


    i h8te to read about rxpe. or see/hear it portrayed in any way. it makes me feel very violent & Out Of Control – like ….destroying people. eek.

  77.  #77lk on February 9, 2012 at 10:15 am

    i want to heal that fear & anger….. i know i have felt my way through this puzzle before but i forget where i got with it…

  78.  #78lk on February 9, 2012 at 10:26 am

    how do i think, ” there are no villains – even when he rxpes you ”

    i want to believe that. i want unlimited unconditional love for everyone.

  79.  #79Starla on February 9, 2012 at 10:33 am

    Just as my brainwaves got me feeling sad, I can get them having me feeling good again.

    Or so the simple logic would suggest

    Though, many systems are unidirectional and to apply this logic on a possibly unidirectional system would be quite fallacious and result in disappointment.

    Perhaps it does go both ways, just at different rates and with different levels of resistance. But the theory is ultimately the same.

  80.  #80Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 10:37 am

    Part of my text with Ryan:

    B: I am holding out for a romance that is beautiful and joyous.

    R: You should

    R: Romance is supposed to be beautiful and joyous.

    B: Romance shouldn’t be about pain and loneliness.

    R: No, it shouldn’t

    (6 minutes later)

    R: But don’t act like I did that to you.

    B: I did not say that. Please don’t put words in my mouth.

    R: It was an implication I perceived.

    B: If we are going to talk about our friendship, I prefer to do so in person. Have a terrific day!

    R: I’m just saying don’t put your delusions on me.

    B: That feels bad to hear. If we’re going to discuss our friendship, I prefer to do so in person.

    B: I make a supreme effort at every turn to keep my interactions positive with you.

    (6 minutes later)

    R: I appreciate it

    B: Neither one of us is perfect. Maybe you are not aware of it, but there are times when I have to slather you with huge amounts of radical, unconditional love. I think you really have no idea the depth of my love for you.

  81.  #81Starla on February 9, 2012 at 10:39 am

    rapists aren’t villains in my eyes.

    to me, a villain is someone who exploits and hurts for personal profit and amusement. Like greedy corporate f*cks who steal water rights from native peoples and sell it back to them at prices that will keep them in poverty forever.

    Like managers on the tomato farms in Florida that get their workers purposely hooked on crack-cocaine to indebt/indenture them and keep them locked up in the back of uhaul trucks at night so they can’t run away.

    Those are the villains.

    Rapists are just hurting inside. This does NOT make it okay, but they’re not villains.

    Our men are very very very rarely villains. It is our choice to stick around and tolerate bad treatment. If we keep saying yes to it, then they’re DEFINITELY not villains.

  82.  #82lk on February 9, 2012 at 10:42 am

    i can “believe” it pretty easily actually ! that feels surprising !

    it Feels emotionally True… but i don’t know how to Think or Reason about it…..

  83.  #83siren song on February 9, 2012 at 10:45 am

    the guy who pretty much uninvited me from a ski trip this weekend (or invited me more than once then never mentioned it again and is now going tonight by himself with a bunch of couples) is texting me and making small talk.

    i feel turned off.

  84.  #84lk on February 9, 2012 at 10:46 am

    yippee ! i’m a non-smoker : )

    lol, it truly is easy. i seriously advocate Alan Carr’s book about smoking…. for anyone who wants to change ANY behavior. i felt Enlightened after i read that book….

    like… OH – if you Want To do something…. Do It !!!

    & if you Don’t Want To do something…. Stop !

    easy-peasy lemon-squeezy : ) awww : ))))

  85.  #85Queenbee on February 9, 2012 at 10:48 am

    Hey Sirens,

    This is my first foray into online dating 🙂 I feel excited and a tiny bit nervous….

    Will definitely be looking for your help on my profile.


  86.  #86lk on February 9, 2012 at 10:49 am

    AH yes bossman wrote back “i understand” & being nice. that is good ! nice bossman

  87.  #87Tiffany on February 9, 2012 at 11:02 am

    Ooh, I love this post….I am going to take a shower and luxuriate myself in soft bubbles of “no blame” and no villains…quite a liberating thought, actually….

    I grew up in a family culture of “blame and shame.” But that’s the lie that covers up the truth of who we are, and the truth I’ve always known was there, which is that – it’s nobody’s fault. It JUST IS.

    I remember that. I felt it in my body and knew it in every cell of my being whenever I watched my parents fight. I still know it now.

    It has always been true…

    It’s good to remember the Truth.

  88.  #88Rose on February 9, 2012 at 11:03 am

    Your icon is so cute SLV 😀

  89.  #89Rose on February 9, 2012 at 11:04 am

    I love this aricle, it feels so freeing..How good it feels to let go of blame on others and ourselves..How much better we would all feel..

  90.  #90Starla on February 9, 2012 at 11:08 am

    I just remembered I have 6 discount vouchers to the spa. I can go and get an hour long massage or facial or wrap or whatever for 40 bucks after tip. I am going to spoil the eff out of myself this weekend:)

  91.  #91lk on February 9, 2012 at 11:20 am

    WOW i feel shaky & excited

    last week i went to a conference with some co-workers & met many people in my industry…. 1 person in particular was Very Impressive – a very handsome, dashing man actually with an intoxicating foreign accent – a very interesting-seeming person…. like…… not so much Interesting in my Personal Life… or something ? just a ton of intense energy making the connection. this sounds dumb. if CD read this, i’d want to be Super Clear that i wasn’t sexually or romantically attracted to this man…… ANYWAYZ lk just tell the story i’m very busy. so later, their company sent out a cool marketing email (last friday i think)…. & i was keeping it as a sample for myself……. but then then last night i was thinking for some reason about this guy & thinking i should get in touch with their company …. thinking Oh, do i still have his card & maybe instead i should write the woman who sent the marketing email….. & THEN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just this second, he sends me an email saying thank you for stopping by & if there is anything that we haven’t already provided for you, please let me know.

    well, i feel sure that this is coming up as a Huge Thing for me. actually, now i remember i was thinking of him driving to work today ! thinking of Huge Sales Commissions – that feels scary to even type.

    yeah, this morning on my way to work i was actually fantasizing about sending this company my resume…. & how i would Leverage my Skills to Impress….. & how i felt confident thinking of selling their product !

    i feel really excited to respond to him. i wonder what i’ll say…. wow this feels cr8zy exciting…

  92.  #92Sassy on February 9, 2012 at 11:27 am

    No contact since Sunday. Hurts so good…

  93.  #93Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 11:38 am

    Siren in Process Progress Report

    Yay! Ryan just called me to follow up on our text, and we talked for 25 minutes! I physically leaned back in my chair to remind myself to stay leaned back in the conversation, and I managed to do that throughout the whole conversation!!!!! Major progress!

    I didn’t raise my voice; I didn’t get defensive; I didn’t lash out in anger. And I mean we talked about our friendship plus past hurts and current hurts. It was really nuts and bolts stuff that got very charged in the past!

    I feel really good about how it went as a whole and how I handled it. I am learning emotional intelligence! I am still in process, but I am growing!

    I implemented so many tools in that conversation: saying thank you; saying I am sorry; please forgive me. Instead of saying I forgive you, Ryan said he never held it against me (when I did crazy texting in 2009 and 2010).

    I kept my voice calm and pleasant. At a tense moment, instead of blurting, I paused, thought, then said, “I don’t know what to say.” The pause continued, and I changed the topic plus got grounded in my emotions again by describing to him a beautiful single dry leaf on a bare tree. The sun was shining on it and made it look on fire, like a tiny fire in the middle of a bare winter tree.

    Ryan went with it beautifully, saying, “Wow, that sounds beautiful. I wish I could see that!”

    We ended on peaceful terms, and I feel content and relieved.

  94.  #94Starla on February 9, 2012 at 11:42 am

    I am starting to feel better after reading that awful story. I put on 😀

  95.  #95Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 11:49 am

    I wonder if Ryan went to the meeting last night and missed me?

    I wonder if it’s been working on him that I am pursuing dating?

    It felt SO GOOD to hear when he said it takes time to heal from a lifetime of emotional damage. He really does understand. It felt like a very genuine discussion! Wow, baby steps in our friendship!

  96.  #96Francesca on February 9, 2012 at 11:55 am

    Ella, so is that you pole dancing in that video on your site?

    I wish I was strong enough to do that, it looks so hard to do.

  97.  #97Francesca on February 9, 2012 at 11:56 am

    lk, that’s called LOA! 🙂

  98.  #98Francesca on February 9, 2012 at 11:59 am

    I just made curried lentils with veggies. Hmmm, I love it! It smells good here! 🙂

  99.  #99Senior Lady Vibe on February 9, 2012 at 12:10 pm


    Thanks. I’m experimenting.


  100.  #100Femininewoman on February 9, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    Hi ,

    I want to share something with all of you today. Something that I think all of you need to understand and really grasp.

    I want you all to do an exercise today. I want you to stand in front of the mirror and I want you to look at yourself and I want you to say these words:”I deserve.”

    I want you to look at yourself in the mirror and I want you to say it over and over again. “I deserve, I deserve.” Now I want you to add to that. But before I tell you what to add, allow me to tell you why I want you to do it.

    Most women-and most men too – will walk around and say, “I want.” I want a man. I want a person that’s going to love me. I want someone that’s fun. I want someone that’s this. I want someone that’s that. I want someone to make me feel this way. I want someone.

    But think about what “I want” is.

    “I want” is really just a giant baby. Think about it: a three year old. They want something. If they don’t get it they throw their butt down to the ground and they start crying and having a temper tantrum. When they want something so badly they have to have it right then, right there. That’s what a lot of you women are doing and a lot of men do also. You’re basically just giant babies throwing temper tantrums.

    Go back to the mirror.

    Now, what I want you to do is to take all the things you usually say after “I want”, and now I want you to say “I deserve.” I deserve a man that makes me feel amazing. I deserve a man that touches me in a way that makes me feel like a beautiful sexual being. I deserve a man that listens to me. I deserve a man that cherishes me. I deserve a man that desires me. I deserve a man that listens. I deserve my best partner ever.

    When you do that, you’re telling people that you’re wort hy of the love that’s going to come to you. You’re not wanting and begging for it, you deserve it. It’s a huge mind set shift and it’s something that every single woman on this planet needs to start experiencing. So today, look at your and the other places where you have the “I want” lists and change it to “I deserve”.

    Your friend

    David Wygant

  101.  #101Starla on February 9, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    95 Brenda

    yes, leaning back and CDing almost always has this affect on any man who has ever expressed romantic interest in us.

    i feel glad for you that you’re seeing it in action now, so you can trust it, instead of shooting yourself in the foot with leaning forward and imaginary relationships!!

  102.  #102Jessica on February 9, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    My main problem in my relationship is that no matter what it is, even before something goes wrong, I anticipate and automatically point him as the villian! I don’t know how to stop doing that and instead of anticipating for something to go wrong, how do I just enjoy things while they’re good?

  103.  #103Emoticon on February 9, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    Well I’m back (posting comments, that is) although I have been trying to keep up with reading the posts and some of your comments. I just think this post is too timely to not comment on. I had actually been CDing only two people the past month, one of which is a former lover.

    Last night I could not even bring myself to make love to this man because I just felt so detatched emotionally. Its not that he did anything to manke me feel this way, but the feeling wasnt there, for whatever reason.

    I read Dominique’s article this afternoon and it just really got me thinking. Am i manifesting these kinds of men in my life by being emotionally detatched? I realized last night that some of the same things that he does, i do them also. I dont see anything wrong when i do it so i made excuses last night about why he was doing nothing wrong when he did it to me.

    Maybe, just maybe…. we are just two people with the same behavioral patterns. What we admire in ourselves, we see in each other and what disappoints us about ourselves we also see in each other.

  104.  #104lk on February 9, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    last night i was noticing how Listening is getting easier as i Get Used To cd : ) it felt really nice & calming… like… oh, thank goodness ! i can Listen to Him !!!! & Respect Him & Honor Him : ) because Not Listening felt Bad & Guilty : ( but i couldn’t help it ! there were too many Thought Trains on my Brain Tracks o_0

  105.  #105Emoticon on February 9, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    Sometimes I think i confuse leaning back with emotional detatchment. I did pretty well with it last night… when i leaned back physically n had my palms open and face upward…. s i leaned back and stayed open. I just wasnt feeling the sex though….. so i didnt do it

  106.  #106lk on February 9, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    also, i like that he first makes an appetizer, then the entree & the salad, then clear the dishes, then tea & dessert. i cling to routine… though i can’t seem to Invent a routine ? oddities.

  107.  #107Tiffany on February 9, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    Jonathon always gets me!

    There I was, thinking, “sheesh, why is everything taking so long with K? What’s going on?”

    And then I read Jonathon Aslay’s “Understand men Tip #8”:

    The male brains take time to process things.

    Just because you talk it out and come up
    with a solution or idea doesn’t mean HE
    will do it in the same amount of time.

    haaaaa ha. That is so true for me. Sometimes i don’t understand everything right away. But sometimes I feel I’ve got everything figured out at lightning speed, and he (whoever “he” is) is still catching up. It’s hard not to get impatient in these moments. I’m looking for the right balance between “impatience” that is insensitive and not caring, and “waiting around,” which is caring to much…

    It did make me feel better, though.

    *sigh* Love, love, love to me.

  108.  #108Goodheart on February 9, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    On the masculine man being emasculated in past relationships. My bf is incredibly manly – big, hunky & masculine! Yet, he told me he never felt manly before he met me. I was so surprised. I told him, “you’re the manliest man I’ve ever known.” And he said, “I never knew it before, but it’s easy with you. You let me do things for you. You’re so feminine. I love taking care of you.” 🙂 This was very early on in our relationship & it still fills my heart when I think about it.

    He said I’d be surprised how many women won’t let a man do things for them. (well, I used to be one of those women – preRori). It’s so easy to melt into my feminine with him. And it just started with asking for help hanging a picture. Then, “oh my lawn is so overgrown.” And he’s always stepped right in to fix it. Feels soooo good.

  109.  #109Lizka on February 9, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    Tiffany 106 –

    Wow thank you… Helps me understand some stuff too… 🙂

  110.  #110Starla on February 9, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    Emoticon!!!!!!!!! Where you been, girl!!!! hehe

    I’m glad you didn’t have sex if you weren’t feeling totally comfortable!!!

  111.  #111Tiffany on February 9, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    Hm, so I think a big area I have to work on is my self-esteem. I always thought, when I was like 12, that I wasn’t going to be one of “those girls” who had low self-esteem. Well that worked – for a while.

    But I think what I did really was to just hide my low self-esteem and not deal with it. So now that I am adult, I have adult-sized self-esteem issues, and no real mechanism for dealing with them.

    I am working on it, and getting support from lots of places (here included!:)

    But right now, I am just NOTICING how my low self-esteem squeaks out in random moments. Often when I actively think that I am having *high* self esteem. But actually I am not. I am seeking approval, and trying my darndest to get other people to give me the good stuff that I want.

    Even with my friends, I feel I am working “too hard” to get their approval, to get their support. Whereas, in a real friendship, I would already *have* their approval and support, and I wouldn’t need to “get” it. Also, I would support them, and show up for them, but not at my own expense. I would *expect* my friends to be there – because they are my friends.

    I wonder if I have ever had any real friends, and I wonder if I am capable of being one?

    [addendum: that last question is kind of B.S. I can definitely think of several people who are, or have been, real friends to me. But I do question my ability to be a real friend right now, when I’m too absorbed in my own “stuff” to really be present for someone else. I guess that’s why sometimes people don’t “show up” for me – but the Universe is taking care of me, always. The Universe is my friend! And guess who else is? Me. Well, I’d like to say it’s me. Working on that friendship right now. And when I get that, we will probably be golden….]

  112.  #112Emoticon on February 9, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    Hi Starla!!!! n I’ve been around, its just hard 2 comment and follow with whats going on without having my laptop! I missed talking to you guys though!

  113.  #113Emoticon on February 9, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    I’m glad i didn’t too lol. We just watched titanic so i had a good night cuz thats exactly what i wanted to do lol

  114.  #114Aurora Girl on February 9, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    95 Brenda

    “I wonder if Ryan went to the meeting last night and missed me?

    I wonder if it’s been working on him that I am pursuing dating?”

    I”m curious…..what do you mean by “I wonder if it’s been working on him”….what exactly are you trying to do?

  115.  #115Memulo on February 9, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    Aaaa I’m in trouble:) My tonight’s date asked what I wanted to do and where, I told him that a movie would feel nice, I know it’s playing at XXX theater, but not sure about the timing. He texts: will you find out?

    What can I say now??

  116.  #116Ella on February 9, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    Francesa re 96

    Hmmm, there is no video of pole dancing on my site…

    Which site did you look at?


  117.  #117FlowerChild77 on February 9, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    Starla…REALLY??! A rapist is not a villain? Rape is not about sex—it is about power and control. It is VIOLENCE against another human being. I’m sorry to be so triggered, but I don’t understand…. 🙁

  118.  #118lk on February 9, 2012 at 1:38 pm


    i’d say… “aww… i don’t want to do ALL the work : ) actually i’m super busy – can you check the time?”

    & then make sure you say Thank You : )))))

  119.  #119Ella on February 9, 2012 at 1:41 pm


    I would have stopped at ‘a movie would feel nice’ and then trust him to make the plan…

    I know its hard sometimes.

    Now you can say back to him.

    ‘Oh, it always feels so good when a man makes the plan’.

    What do you think?

  120.  #120lk on February 9, 2012 at 1:43 pm


    starla, april rose & i all gave different reasons for this belief.

    i agree… it feels difficult to hold, but i do want to believe that No One is a villain.

  121.  #121Starla on February 9, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    FlowerChild, no need to apologize to me.

    A rapist is a mentally ill person with compulsions that bring them relief of some sort.

    A villain as I described is just a greedy villain.

    Don’t get me wrong. Rape sucks, and I’ve been sexually assaulted more than once.

    Just redefining “villain” for myself.

  122.  #122Starla on February 9, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    I’m thinking of villains in James Bond movies and stuff. Which will never be what I’m dealing with in my man. So it’s my encouragement to me to not villainize my beautiful man.

  123.  #123Ella on February 9, 2012 at 1:47 pm


    Guy contacted me on POF with this message:

    So my big ice breaker,

    1. Sun or snow
    2. Shoes or boots
    3. Dancing or dinner
    4. Run or relax
    5. Top or bottom
    6. Beach or theme park

    Let’s see what you got 😉


    I replied with this:


    Lol, this e-mail looks like fun.

    Ok, well it completely depends on how I am feeling on that day.

    1. I love how the sun feels on my skin… and snow feels so … fun!

    2. Boots in the winter (I love my long purple ones) and high heels in the summer.

    3. Both! lol.

    4, Relax… Running feels effortful and not pleasurable to me. Relaxing feels good.

    5. Top (hmmm, as I am typing that I am feeling a bit odd with the question… it totally depends on the context! he he).

    6. Hmmm, beach feels more peaceful. Theme park makes me think of screaming kids. I like how adrenaline feels in my body though.


    I am feeling curious about you now.


    To which he said

    ‘Ok, your turn. Ask me some questions’


    Thing is that feels like a lot of work and very masc energy and I have not got a clue what to say.

    Any ideas on how to reply to this?

  124.  #124lk on February 9, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    can someone please help me ?

    this is silly but i’m in Word with a Table & …. it looks like i need to add a column, but when i do, the rows don’t line up with the existing table…

    when i select the paragraph symbol so i can see what’s going on with spacing, etc, it just looks like little box symbols after the txt

    thoughts? kind of emergency-type task & i don’t really know this stuff

  125.  #125Starla on February 9, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    lk, email me. I got you.

  126.  #126Ella on February 9, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    I have just noticed that I am feeling quite insecure tonight.

    I am feelin worried thinking about MWC’s drinking habits (which are none of my business)

    and also worried/jealous about a girl we work with who he sometimes used to pay attention to.

    Nothing has happened that I know of to trigger this…

    But I am feeling anxious, and that feels like tight ball in my tummy.

  127.  #127Susan on February 9, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    RE: 107: Goodheart says:

    On the masculine man being emasculated in past relationships…. And he said, “…it’s easy with you. You let me do things for you. You’re so feminine. I love taking care of you.”

    He said I’d be surprised how many women won’t let a man do things for them. (well, I used to be one of those women – preRori). It’s so easy to melt into my feminine with him.”

    This made me think of this past Thanksgiving. I was cooking and Sweet Man asked if he could carve the turkey. Actually, he didn’t ‘ask’. He stated that a man SHOULD carve the turkey. I reached for the knife and he suddenly began to fuss out loud like I’d never seen him do before. It dawned on me that he was arguing with how he had been treated in the past instead of noticing what was going on in the present. But as soon as I handed him the knife and told him I’d love it if he would carve, he looked shocked. Then he smiled and took the knife. He then butchered the turkey and no one noticed or cared. He was happy and everyone one else remained happy that day.

    There are lots of things that Sweet Man steps and does because ‘that is what a man does.’ I like that about him.

  128.  #128Ella on February 9, 2012 at 2:06 pm


    And I do not mean this in a blaming way…

    And Flowerchild the thing you posted about alcoholism earlier has triggered me.

    Its triggered a fear response.

    Its triggered my fear around this issue.

    I feel afraid and small.

    Its not your fault.


  129.  #129Ella on February 9, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    Normally I would be logged onto FB now, and visible, and then usually MWC contacts me at some point via IM.

    But I feel too vulnerable to be visible on there right now… it would feel like ‘waiting’ for him tonight and I feel worried in case he didn’t contact me.

    Absolutely no reason that he wouldn’t tonight…

    I just feel scared and mistrustful.


    This is horrible.

    And totally to do with me.

    Not to do with him.

    I keep thinking all this bad stuff about what he might have done in the past and whether he has been honest with me, despite all the evidence that says he has…

    So why am I finding it so hard to trust?


    Muddy pond methinks.

  130.  #130FlowerChild77 on February 9, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    Brenda…I know this might sound mean, but is it possible that Ryan is asking questions about online dating out of curiosity for himself? That maybe he would like to meet others and date and just wonders how it works and what it’s all about?

    It may just be that simple. No games, no jealousy.

    His comment: “I’m just saying don’t put your delusions on me” really sticks in my head. I felt bad for you just reading that.

    I see you giving him very mixed messages and him giving you very clear boundaries about what he wants and doesn’t want with you.

    I know you feel good from talking to him on the phone, I’m just concerned that your happiness revolves, so much, around what he says/does.

    No one here wants to see you hurt. I’m sure I can speak for everyone when I say, our comments and observations are completely from a place of love.

  131.  #131Ella on February 9, 2012 at 2:16 pm


    Interesting how we can feel fine one minute and then quite icky the next!

    I suppose it goes the other way too.

    Think I will have a nice hot bath in a minute.

    That will feel soothing.

    Then I may get an early night.

  132.  #132Senior Lady Vibe on February 9, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    @811: Francesca says:
    “…If ever “le Québec devient libre”, I think I will move to another province…”

    Just curious, where would you go? Do you think it would not be so nice then for English-speaking people, or some other reason.

  133.  #133Senior Lady Vibe on February 9, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    @810: Lizka

    Thanks for the invitation. No, I’m right here in the good ole U.S. of A.

    Last year another siren talked about her visits to Montreal. I was intrigued and I thought about revisiting. After 2012 rolled around, that long ago promise to myself jumped into my head… and it dawned on me… Forty-five years! Yeah, really funny. Back then I didn’t give much though about myself that far into the future.

  134.  #134FlowerChild77 on February 9, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    >>>”We asked Dyer to share some concrete ways to tap into “the power of intention” in order to produce more inner joy and harmonious relationships.

    Paskin: What is intention?

    Dyer: It’s the difference between motivation and inspiration. Motivation is when you get hold of an idea and don’t let go of it until you make it a reality. Inspiration is the reverse—when an idea gets hold of you and you feel compelled to let that impulse or energy carry you along. You get to a point where you realize that you’re no longer in charge, that there’s a driving force inside you that can’t be stopped. Look at the great athletes, musician, artists, and writers. They all tap into a source.

    Paskin: What is that source?

    Dyer: Some call that source God or soul or spirit or consciousness.

    Paskin: What if you are not religious?

    Dyer: It has nothing to do with religion. I’m talking about a source of energy that lives within each of us.”<<<

    I love this!! Especially how he explains intention 🙂

    Thank you for sharing this link….I'm sorry, I can't remember who….maybe it was in the last thread?

  135.  #135Senior Lady Vibe on February 9, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    @897: Silver Moonbeam says:
    “…I like your avatar, I think it’s called a Weemee?? ..”

    Yep, it’s a weemee. I made it last year for Skyping. It was fun, like playing with paper dolls with all those choices. Note the teeny tiara and magic wand. That’s me… LOL

  136.  #136Ella on February 9, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    I don’t know if you ladies will be able to view this or not but I’ve just been looking at some pics of a very successful female fitness instructor here in the UK… she is quite well known.

    Although I don’t know what I have heard is that although she is very successful in business, she is not so lucky in love.

    As far as I know she is not in a relationship (that is what I have heard anyway… I don’t know for sure).

    Anyway my impression of her is that she is very masculine looking and I have always felt a masculine vibe about her.

    She just added some new pics to her FB page and to me it looks like a man’s body…

    Wondered what you all think.

    Just doens’t feel soft and feminine to me…

    Not saying its wrong… just that I don’t want my body to be like that.

    I want my body to be kinda softer.

    Anyway here is the link:

  137.  #137Senior Lady Vibe on February 9, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    @902: Brenda says:
    “… I am not young. Too late for that, unfortunately…”

    Well, it’s all relative, my sweet. You’re pretty young still. What I might call “older” is that woman in the U.K who died last week, the last military survivor of World War One. She was 110!

    I’ve really “gotten into” watching “Downton Abbey” on PBS. It’s nice to imagine that woman as she might have been during that decade. Like my grandmother.


  138.  #138FlowerChild77 on February 9, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    ((((Ella)))) I feel bad. I’m sorry. It wasn’t meant to upset you (or anyone) it’s just that it took me so many years to really GET IT–and once I did, my life changed. Knowing that facts gave me more personal power.

    Maybe your guy is just nervous around you and likes to have a cocktail sometimes. At some point you will know for sure if he’s for real in every sense. He sure seems to treat you well, so far. 🙂

    Just enjoy for now! You deserve to have that kind of attention and love. I wouldn’t worry about the other girl. She’s not a Siren….. 😉

  139.  #139Ella on February 9, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    I feel a bit lonely.

    And cold.

    Hot bath?

  140.  #140FlowerChild77 on February 9, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    Ella, yes I saw the FB pics you are talking about. I agree with you 100%. Too hard and ‘chiseled’ looking for me. I don’t have to worry about that–I’m probably a little too soft—but I’d rather look like me than to look like her.

  141.  #141FlowerChild77 on February 9, 2012 at 2:38 pm

    SLV…Oh my yes! Downton Abbey! I watch it every week. Do you think that Mr. Bates killed his estranged wife? I think they want us to imagine he did, but I’d bet Sir Richard (or perhaps Lady Mary) had something to do with it.

    I love Masterpiece Classic. Not too crazy about the contemporary.

    And, yes…I imagine how people would have dressed and how they lived in different time periods….my ancestors, etc. I have the most active and vivid imagination. Not sure it that’s good or bad… 😉

  142.  #142Starla on February 9, 2012 at 2:38 pm

    okay, repeat trigger in my life

    i’ve been struggling with asthma this week and my coworker cracked me up so hard i started having an asthma attack. He questioned when I even developed asthma, and asked a bunch of nosy, doubtful questions. I answered them.

    Then I could hear my coworkers all typing and laughing, and I figured they were typing to each other on IM about how they don’t believe me.

    Total trigger for me.

  143.  #143Ella on February 9, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    Flowerchild thank you.

    The thing is I do think he has alcohol issues.

    And I don’t want to make light of your horendous experience…

    Its just that I am not sure it always has to be the same for everyone who drinks.

    And again not to disagree with your opinion, and to me CRAFT feels good.

    Like it could be a good approach and work for some people. I mean it has had a lot of success.

    But I am not trying to cure MWC, or even really know if he needs ‘curing’.

    I just don’t want that terrible fear and doom and gloom of the thought ‘he has some issues with alcohol which definitely means he will get progressively worse, get really ill and die in a slow and painful way’.

    I mean I know this could happen.

    And also it could not happen.

    It doesn’t happen to everyone who drinks.

    For me I would like to approach it more moment by moment.

    Like ‘oh this feels ok’ or ‘Oh I feel scared when that happens’ and then choose my path accordingly, rather than assuming that something terrible will happen and acting out of fear.

    Does that make any sense at all?

  144.  #144Senior Lady Vibe on February 9, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    @88: Rose

    trying to catch up…

  145.  #145Lizka on February 9, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    Ok now that’s weird…

    I feel a little parano here.

    At work today some important people from the head office sent us am email saying they would be in town and invite us for a drink tonight. In the afternoon, collegues were discussing it and I said I couldn’t go because I already have something planned. I didn’t say why. In fact, I have a date with the new CD.

    So the girl who is very friend with ATW (and who’s not usually interested about me) asked if I was going on a date.

    I said “Heu no… Just a friend”

    Wondering if she’s spying for ATW? Would it be possoble that he told her he was seing me again? And she was testig me?That would be weird because in the past, he was not talking about me to people frOm the office… He was actually hiding me!

    Was that just a random question?

    Anyway I think I feel good about it, and I feel good about my answer.

  146.  #146Shar-lean way back on February 9, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    Yes Ella she is very “fit” but not very feminine. One of my FB friends posted some pictures not to long ago of people like Marilyn Monroe, Elizabeth Taylor, and the Italian actress I cant think of her name..Anyway it compared them to the skinny muscular women of today. They were all in their bathing suits and bikinis and the curvy women were so much sexier and my opini
    on. Think Helen I dont look that good now much less when I get to be her age..LOL

  147.  #147Senior Lady Vibe on February 9, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    @140: FlowerChild77

    Yes!!!! Love it!!!! And not to be too shallow I love the clothes and set design too!!!

    And,,, sad to say I can’t “get into” the new Sherlock Holmes” the series either… and I always loved the contemporary P.D. James dramas.

    I think there is a segment on the web site about the clothing… thanks for reminding… i hope it’s still there. When I saw it I was on low signal and couldn’t peruse…

    I’m thinking I want a 1920 outfit… don’t laugh…

  148.  #148FlowerChild77 on February 9, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    Ella….not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic. I hope I did not give that impression.

    You are following your gut on this and the only way to do that is to go one day at a time, exactly as you are. Sometimes it has to be moment by moment. That works, too. <3

    Yes, all of what you said makes sense. I am so inspired by your journey.

  149.  #149Daria on February 9, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    i feel so angry ! to be treated that way

    and vaguely disappointed for not speaking up

    felt scared of feeling panicked, alone, guilty, not good enough at caring for me – if i were to walk away in the out of town

    feel sad

    so sad

    love to me


    i dont want to be treated unimportant

    or like a second thing not a first thing

    i love me

    thank you

  150.  #150Daria on February 9, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    i feel so sad thinking i will tell him that and that that treatment was not good enough for me… and he’ll feel crushed and not good enough and not able to make me happy .. and he’ll attack me and leave


    writing that makes it feel much safer

    yay me!

  151.  #151Francesca on February 9, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    Ella @ 115

    I clicked on More and found Pictures and Videos so I clicked on that too.

    It took me to a new page and right under the pink writing at the middle of page, there’s a link to a YouTube video.

  152.  #152Daria on February 9, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    that woman’s body is a bit barrel torsoed for me ( i would do T-tapp twist to bring my ribs closer together)

    but her smile gives her a soft feminine vibe to me…

  153.  #153Ella on February 9, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    Thing is Flowerchild…

    I think he could be…

    But that is a thought isn’t it.

    And his business.

    Mine is how I feel in his prescence and out of it.

    And I thought he was a coke head… which it looks like he probably isn’t.

    Also, it would feel good to think that everyone who has alcohol issues (or is alcoholic to some degree) it does not follow that they will definitely become ill and die.

    Although I accept that it can often happen and that is the crazy thought train that is carrying me away and triggering fear.

    I wonder if I can just get grounded in the present.

    And maybe just express, inlcudling any fears, as they come up for me.


  154.  #154Ella on February 9, 2012 at 3:04 pm


    Oh yes that is the Club Tropicana Night….

    No I am doing the Zumba at the end of the video clip…

  155.  #155Francesca on February 9, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    SLV @ 131

    I would probably move to New Brunswick since it’s a true bilingual province.

    There is a bit of that but the main reason for me is that the separatists’ question is never clear and it also feels like racism to me.

    And then, there’s the question of money. We wouldn’t get any from Canada, which we do now.

    Quebec is one of the highest taxed place in the world, it would become even worst. English people would move out and stop investing here. It would be awful.

  156.  #156FlowerChild77 on February 9, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    Oh, SLV! I’m not laughing. I love the clothes of the 1920’s also. And some dresses and shoes of the 1930’s. I don’t know if I believe in past lives, but if I did–I think I must have been a flapper for sure! 😉

    Thanks for telling me about the PBS clothing thing…I’ll be going there directly!

  157.  #157Francesca on February 9, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    Oh, ok, so that is what zumba looks like!

  158.  #158Ella on February 9, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    Yep 🙂

  159.  #159Daria on February 9, 2012 at 3:16 pm

    I deserve to be treated well and special and hae all my desires fulfilled

    and i feel angry to not have that!

    and i feel guilty for not communicating

    and i feel angry for having been scared

    i felt scared


    i love me!

  160.  #160Starla on February 9, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    Where oh where is BW

  161.  #161Francesca on February 9, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    Ella, is it hard? I mean, is it as demanding as cardio?

  162.  #162Queenbee on February 9, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    Omg, tried to do an online profile. I did a tiny bit of one and ended up closing my account on another. The most confronting part was saying what I’m looking for…

    I felt nervous and embarrassed. I even wonder, why should I use FMs on an online profile… I get it… it makes it easier to attract… but I feel so vulnerable… I feel so vulnerable in any aspect of it.

    Shucks! Viewed a few profiles…. I’m wondering if I really want a relationship or if I just enjoy saying that I do. I’m feeling like it was more fun when I wasn’t on this path and I just want to give up. I’m feeling afraid that if I don’t be brave and take this step, I’ll be alone until I’m fifty.

    Oh no, I definitely want a family, but I’m not willing to settle….

    Feeling so upset…

    I’m afraid of being identified online by people who know me.

    Ahhhhrghhh!!! 🙁

    Any thoughts Sirens?


  163.  #163FlowerChild77 on February 9, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    Ella…You will know in your heart. I admire your strength and ‘Siren-ness’ in just taking it slowly and practicing your FMs and learning what feels good and what doesn’t. You are so very good at this. <3

    Don't let my post ruin things for you. I really didn't mean it in that way. You sound quite grounded and together.

    You will know in your heart. Trust that. (((Hugs)))

  164.  #164Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 3:24 pm


    RE: #101 – “i feel glad for you that you’re seeing it in action now, so you can trust it, instead of shooting yourself in the foot with leaning forward and imaginary relationships!!”

    Imaginary relationships?? 🙂

  165.  #165FlowerChild77 on February 9, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    Sassy…is that three lower-case L’s in your e-mail address? I wasn’t sure. I counted three, but wanted to double check with you.

  166.  #166Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 3:26 pm


    RE: #136 – “What I might call “older” is that woman in the U.K who died last week, the last military survivor of World War One. She was 110!”

    Wow! Well I will be so happy when I am married to a man in his 30s!

  167.  #167Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 3:29 pm


    RE: #129 – “I know you feel good from talking to him on the phone, I’m just concerned that your happiness revolves, so much, around what he says/does.

    No one here wants to see you hurt. I’m sure I can speak for everyone when I say, our comments and observations are completely from a place of love.”

    Thank you for caring. I’m sorry, I don’t want to use my limited energy trying and trying to explain and convince and defend. I trust my intuition.

    Yes, I am concerned about how much my happiness revolves around what he says and does. I am working to heal that. But it typically is the way a woman feels when she is in love.

  168.  #168Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 3:30 pm

    Aurora Girl,

    RE: #113 – “I”m curious…..what do you mean by “I wonder if it’s been working on him”….what exactly are you trying to do?”

    CDing for the purpose of shifting my vibe. Because CDing is actually filling my schedule, it is technically not called playing hard to get. LOL! 😆

  169.  #169Starla on February 9, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    Brenda, I’m not sure what you’re asking me

  170.  #170LiliBee on February 9, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    I have been missing you sirens!

    I have spent 2 evenings tutoring my good friend’s daughter w her homework.
    That makes me feel good and useful 🙂

    I spent 1 and 1/2 hours on the phone w my aunt. I’m trying to get her to come here.
    It would do her so much good.

    I haven’t been getting enough sleep.
    I feel so yuck. Feeling yuck all day.
    Coz I made the mistake of talking a little bit about my breakup to a victimy negative person.
    That’s OK, not to repeat again.

    But keeping myself busy, going to zumba class in 45 minutes 🙂
    That always makes me feel good.

  171.  #171April Rose on February 9, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    Brenda re.64 and 93

    “I like what you said about softening and less thrusting – can you give me an example or two where I could implement that in practical terms in my life?”

    I can already feel the softening of your heart and the way you seem to be treating yourself with gentleness.
    It showed up in your post 93 where you described the pleasure you felt putting Rori’s tools into practice.
    So, to soften more, simply carry on with those lovely tools and your enjoyment of them. I can feel that you have a huge capacity to enjoy yourself and have fun, especially when you give yourself a break from trying to have an effect on another person.

    Your own fun and enjoyment is the nectar which draws in the bees and butterflies…

  172.  #172Francesca on February 9, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    I haven’t had a drink in three days and I think I won’t be having any for eight more days.

    I might actually stop drinking altogether, actually.

    At least for a while, until I lose five pounds.

    I usually only have a few glasses of wine on the weekends but lately, I’ve been drinking more when I’m with my man, even during the week.

    Got to quit doing that.

    And eating chips with him.

    I don’t eat chips when I’m alone, only with him.

    It would feel good if I ended up losing the extra weight.

  173.  #173Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    I finally received one of Kenny’s calls after he received my two emails Wednesday afternoon. Instead of being apologetic or understanding, he yelled at me almost the whole way thru the call. Each call ends automatically after 15 min. He asked me if I want him to call back, and I said no thanks. He said, “What??” I said, “No thank you.” He called back twice anyway, and I didn’t take the calls. I think the demise of this relationship is imminent. I have seriously outgrown him.

  174.  #174Francesca on February 9, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    Hi LiliBee! 🙂

  175.  #175Femininewoman on February 9, 2012 at 3:39 pm

    Ella I am not suggesting that MWC don’t have alcohol issues but I would encourage you to remember that you were wrong about the drugs. Your comment about the shaking reminds me of a date I had about 3 years ago with someone I was so invested in. When he held me he exclaimed how I was shaking and I had no clue what he was talking about. I was so nervous of the possibility of having him I was not aware of how it was affecting my feelings but he felt it. Also a couple of days ago I was listening to Z100 with Elvis Duran on the radio. They were talking about how nervous they get when they were really into someone. Some of the guys even admitted getting so nauseous that they threw up. Just saying that feeling really intensely about someone can trigger body reactions that we don’t expect.

  176.  #176Sassy on February 9, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    Yes, that is 3 lowercase L’s. Crazy story how that happened when I set it up, lol! But oh welll….

  177.  #177Silver Moonbeam on February 9, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    “And more on this “villain” business: What would it FEEL like to have no one (even ourselves) to blame?

    I know for myself that it feels “all at sea” sometimes to have no one to point the finger at.

    It’s like coming up with a whole new vision of the world.

    Without a “villain” – there’s no “right.”

    This is the same as letting go of your “story” and just being who you are in your soul,,,,,,,,,,,,,

    Just like Byron Katie preaches………

  178.  #178Femininewoman on February 9, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    LiliBee it is good that you notice that you feel yuck and that the connection between you and that negative energy person is victimy. That shows that your vibe is changing because this type of thing grates against your energy.

  179.  #179Sassy on February 9, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    I completely understand how you are carrying that fear and concern about MWC’s possible alcohol issues.
    Over the past few years, I have lost two extremely important, YOUNG people in my life to death via alcohol. Very tragic stories.
    I still have other people in my life that have alcohol and drug addictions. So when I read your posts about your concern, I feel very triggered.
    It’s a fine line to walk when you care about someone that is on that path. I don’t have any answers for you, but I do feel empathetic to this issue.
    Much love

  180.  #180LiliBee on February 9, 2012 at 3:53 pm

    I went on FB last night and changed my status from “in a relationship” to “single”.
    D and I have broken up before, but this is the 1st time I’ve made it official by changing my FB status.

    A mutual friend of ours (well her husband is friends w D) posted a comment on my wall “I love you xox” and “I know someone who would be interested”.

    D’s ex also wrote a comment “so I see you understood too”.

    Of course I had to go and check out his wall.
    Neighbour lady got together at the restaurant with her sister, D and the whole gang who they went on vacation with.

    I always felt like she wanted to shove me aside and take my space by D.
    Eventhough she kept saying that her husband was her best friend, that she loves him deeply and will spend the rest of her life w him.
    D glady gave her my space, and now does she ever have it!
    I don’t get why she would say such devoted things about her husband, then turn around and create a whole social-vacation life w D apart from her husband.
    I’m thinking that her and D have strong feelings for each other that they are denying…

    And I’m glad I’m out of that triangle.

    I believe I should unfriend him from FB to stay out of that story.

    At least she stopped posting stuff to intentionally trigger me. D must have asked her to stop.
    She doesn’t need to stop, she has the whole vacation gang posting pictures of her w D on vacation, posting about the restaurant.

    Yep, going to unfriend him right now.
    I need that story out of my life.

    OK, done.

  181.  #181Starla on February 9, 2012 at 3:58 pm

    lilibee, i so support you unfriending him. Make room for someone better:)

  182.  #182April Rose on February 9, 2012 at 3:58 pm

    Oh Lilibee.
    Well done. But oh how sad I feel. Do you get sentimental? I do. Even if someone is so not healthy for me, I find it painful to think of letting him go.

    Did you do it? Did you unfriend him? I hope so.

    Letting go is in itself not painful.
    I cause myself pain when I torment myself with the idea of letting go, when what I am plainly doing is holding on and being tormented by the story.

  183.  #183Femininewoman on February 9, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    Valentine’s Day is coming up, but did you know that the month leading up to Valentine’s Day has earned the unfortunate moniker of “National Break Up Month.” It’s been proven that most break-ups happen between New Year’s Day and Valentine’s Day.

    “A break-up experience can be sad, hopeless and frustrating, or empowering depending on how you approach it. For many people, a break-up simply leads to better relationships in the future. What’s their secret? The key to turning a break-up into a positive experience is curiosity and a willingness to learn and grow from it. ”

    Dr. Paul

  184.  #184LiliBee on February 9, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    That friend, IT, who wrote “I know someone who would be interested” is referring to her brother.

    He met me over a year ago, and told his sister “IT” that he found me very interesting.
    She said he has the hots for me real bad, enough to say that it’s the 1st time he ever talked to her that way about a woman. Let’s call him E.

    I went to her bday party w D last summer. E was staring at me and asking me to accompany him (alone) to go get something, even w D right there at the party.

    When I split w D again, I went to visit her at her camping.
    E showed up by surprise.
    I got to chat w him a little bit.
    He even asked me if I wanted kids. He even said he had a vasectomy!
    I wasn’t turned on at all.

    I am starting to be interested in W though.
    He’s doing all the kinda stuff I like to do like trekking in the woods.
    Something I never got to do with any other bf.
    He keeps mentioning my bf.
    Most guys do that to try and find out if I still have one.
    I hadn’t been ready to tell him last week, but today I did.
    I told him it was over with my bf.
    He said “You should join the social organization I go out w”.
    It’s an organization I pointed him to when he got divorced last year.
    They organize a bunch of outdoor activities for people who are alone.
    One of my coworkers met her husband that way.
    I said “yeah, I’ll get into it. I love all the activities they do in the woods. I love being in the woods.”

    He talked about spending last night w his kids, and I just love how he is w them.
    I’m not attracted to him physically, but I sure am to his values.

    Gotta go to zumba class…be back in 1 and 1/2 hours.

  185.  #185FlowerChild77 on February 9, 2012 at 4:12 pm

    Lilibee and April Rose…can you think of it like throwing them on the back of your horse while you just keep riding on to your happily-ever-after?

    This idea/image helps me so much.

  186.  #186Femininewoman on February 9, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    So you might wonder, where do we stand on Mrs. Bundchen’s controversial remark?

    I’ll rule that she did overstep her boundaries, but I feel bad for her. She’s obviously a supportive wife. Unfortunately, she showed support for her hubby in a way that could actually be damaging to her husband and their relationship.

    Masculine psychology can be a tricky thing for a woman to navigate in a relationship. (Just as men often struggle to properly understand feminine psychology.) A woman can make a man feel passionately like a “real man” by being a “cheerleader” for him. This is why the football example works so well.

    As a man, there’s nothing better than doing what you love — pursuing your “mission” in life — and being openly admired and adored for it by a woman. No doubt Tom Brady loves the admiration he receives from his wife. Any man would. Unfortunately, Gisele put Tom in a tough spot. Football is a game played by men who must bond on teams. Hierarchy is important. So is territory. If there is a problem with catching the ball, well, that’s for the coaches and teammates to discuss.

    The word “cheerleading” works so well as a way to describe how a wife should support her husband because a cheerleader stays on the sidelines. She does not get involved in the game. Support his mission, indeed, but never interfere with his mission. This can be a difficult point to communicate in our post-feminist, modern world. Of course, women are equal to men in society. But men and women are different in many respects. This is one of them. Men prefer to have be supported and admired from the sidelines or in private.

    Dr. Paul

  187.  #187April Rose on February 9, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    After dinner tonight I was talking with WM. I was feeling full of fun and happy as we sat together on the sofa after our nice meal of lasagne .
    He did a thing he seems to do often, which is take something I’ve said and then have a conversation with it by himself. I felt disconnected and I said so. He got annoyed and defended himself (no matter what feeling message I use he seems to take it as a criticism) and I said gently “It’s hard for us. We have opposite communication styles*.

    He said “Why don’t you leave then?”

    Ever so gently I gathered my limbs (which were snuggled up to his) and got up off the sofa. I was allowing myself to feel the effect of his words. I felt very quiet inside, and terribly moved. As I walked towards the door I asked him “do you mean the room, or this place?” He didn’t give me an answer.

    He has never spoken to me in this way before. And he has gone to bed without saying anything about it.

  188.  #188FlowerChild77 on February 9, 2012 at 4:16 pm

    Brenda…good for you. You mentioned some concern about whether there might be retaliation for ending the friendship with him. Is he in jail for something violent? I’ve had that on my mind since yesterday when I read your post about that 🙁

  189.  #189Femininewoman on February 9, 2012 at 4:18 pm

    LiliBee do you feel in touch with nature when you are in the woods? Sounds like it. I feel in touch with nature when I am sitting on the beach. It feels thrilling to me to be able to share peaceful moments in nature with someone who shares the same passion.

  190.  #190April Rose on February 9, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    What do you mean, throw them on the back of your horse? I feel intrigued.

  191.  #191Femininewoman on February 9, 2012 at 4:22 pm

    April Rose I believe he has been feeling your vibe detaching from him. I am also sure he must be angry about the cdating. But I encourage you to just believe he loves you no matter what. Don’t get caught up with overanalyzing. This could be practice for you. Also a message that a man can feel what is going on underneath the surface.

  192.  #192Daria on February 9, 2012 at 4:24 pm

    can i order the strawberry smoothie? == the strawberry smoothie would feel good

    “do you have the money for it?”

    ans: oh wow that feels really bad… i feel like im not good enough for my man to take care of me… i don’t want to feel that way… what do you think?

  193.  #193April Rose on February 9, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    FW, Yes I think you are spot on. In fact EM (who has been taking me out on dates) has asked me about WM’s reaction. EM is so puzzled by WM’s friendliness towards him. “If it was me, and a chap was coming to take you out, I’d punch him or something”, he said.

  194.  #194Daria on February 9, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    April Rose – im not surprised … as what you said to him “it’s difficult for us” is not a feeling message –

    it can take a man down a whole different thinking path (i’ve seen this in my family) than the path opened when a woman shares her feelings…

    really sticking to feeling messages – repeated rounds – could really heal this relationship

  195.  #195Butterfly wings on February 9, 2012 at 4:33 pm

    Ok, so he didn’t “dump” me as such, but he certainly dumped a lot of crap on me that I just don’t know what to do with.
    He wants things to continue as they are, while he thinks about what he wants (uh, a bit hard when you’ve had your heart ripped to shreds!!!), and he said it’s been so good with us lately – in fact, it’s been wonderful!
    My first instinct is to just run away and never look back.  Probably me trying to protect myself I suppose….
    Anyway, there are three issues which are causing him to doubt where we’re going:
    1.  He is missing his freedom.  I guessed this was part of it, and I’m sure we can get around this by spending a little less time together (we WERE spending almost every second together!).  I can then CD myself and my friends (male and female) like crazy!
    2.  He is sure he wants to have a baby one day.  I am 40, and even if I wanted to have another baby now, it’s not guaranteed I could even fall pregnant (I don’t want a baby, btw).  I am not sure we can get past this one.  By staying with me and being faithful, he’s sacrificing EVER having a baby of his own.  I’m 100% positive I could not sacrifice this myself.  This would be a dealbreaker for me, so I can see why he’s struggling with it.  I totally get this.
    3.  He still has feelings for MW (married woman), would you believe???  So that’s been playing on his mind too, although he has absolutely ZERO chance with her.  EVER.  She even told me over a week ago that she would never go there, and could not go back to being just friends either, because she just does not like him as a person anymore.  She has to work with him though so wants to get along professionally, but personally she doesn’t want to go there.
    So he has these three issues, but at the same time he has feelings for me and wants me around and talked about how great the last two months have been for us.  But he knows that at least two of these (the baby and his stupid thing over MW) will have to be sacrificed if he is going to stay with me.  So he now has to decide what he wants more – me, or a baby/to keep pursuing MW (which is pointless and I am almost positive he already knows this).  So the biggest issue must be the baby thing… Ick.
    I’m expecting the absolute worst so I’m prepared.  I’m even contemplating just telling him I want it over because I can’t compete with the baby thing or the MW thing, so there’s no point even having a glimmer of hope for a future for us. Again I’m trying to protect my heart.
    In the meantime, I was supposed to go out tonight with friends, but now he’s begging me to stick with part of the origional plan and hang out with him and another guy from work, to go back to my place for a drink and dinner (he was going to cook), then go back to his house.  He’s then planning on going to watch a friend perform in the city from 11pm or something (by which time I’ll be ready for bed seeing as he uninvited me), so he has suggested I just stay at his house.
    I am so confused and I have no idea what to do.  I love him but I also need to protect myself.
    I think I’ll give him a month, and if he’s not decided what he wants, then maybe then I can say that it’s over.
    Dunno…   This really sux…  What do you think?

  196.  #196Daria on February 9, 2012 at 4:33 pm

    How about – “omg this feels awful” i feel crushed… and numb…

  197.  #197Butterfly wings on February 9, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    I remember Rori posting something once, talking about when things are going great, the guy gets to a point where the next step must ba taken and he needs to take a step back to work out if he’s ready for it…

  198.  #198Susan on February 9, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    RE: 141: Starla ays:

    “Then I could hear my coworkers all typing and laughing, and I figured they were typing to each other on IM about how they don’t believe me.”

    I have asthma too and the scenario you described has happened to me many times. People’s perfume and cologne would set me off and they would wear different scents to find out which ones got me wheezing. People can be so cruel. I still work for the same company, but I telecommute now, thankfully

  199.  #199Daria on February 9, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    BW – try the Rori Raye 3rd way and Circular Date!

    Telling him its over, or waiting for him to decide… JUST WONT WORK!!

  200.  #200April Rose on February 9, 2012 at 4:38 pm

    Yes,I did feel crushed and numb. You have opened up the words that describe my feeling state. So far, these words aren’t showing up for me in the moment.
    Yes. ”I feel numb” would probably describe my feelings in a lot of situations. Thank you for that.

  201.  #201Daria on February 9, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    im triggered – someone at work at my mom’s old job used to complain about her perfume, repeatedly even when she wasn’t around the person

    my mom felt unimportant

    i felt humiliated and furious

    i feel so defensive over my mom’s experience with this

    i dont’ want to “be nice” and “understanding” about it

    i feel mad!

  202.  #202April Rose on February 9, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    “ans: oh wow that feels really bad… i feel like im not good enough for my man to take care of me… i don’t want to feel that way… what do you think?”

    What was his response?

  203.  #203Daria on February 9, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    April Rose – im writing for myself too because i want those words in the moment

    numbness comes with brain numbness and wordlessness for me

  204.  #204Liz on February 9, 2012 at 4:43 pm

    Aurora girl
    i should have thanked you before this, but i used your idea of good music to show my nutrition class on the first day of class, the flo rida good feeling one because its everything to do with good lifestyle choices (except for maybe the dancing women)… thanks for turning me on to that….

  205.  #205Liz on February 9, 2012 at 4:46 pm

    Hi Ella,
    I read your post about all those questions….i agree with you asking a ton of questions feels masculine to me….
    i might reply with a question or two….
    i loved your answers….or maybe just say i feel curious about what you like to do on the first date or i feel curious how it would feel to meet you and leave it at that….

  206.  #206Femininewoman on February 9, 2012 at 4:47 pm

    BW about MW, it is my belief that he is just lying to himself. Also ask yourself why are you expecting the worse? Is this part of your defense mechanism? Rori tells a story about her mother in Reconnect that is very similar. A month is a very short time however I am sure you have heard Rori say in Reconnect to agree with him taking time away from you. Let him know it will give you an opportunity to keep your options open and that he can take as much time as he wants. I encourage you to go listen to Reconnect rather than trying to figure this out on your own or even hanging out with him and his friends. That would suggest that this talk did not affect your feelings at all. You are a girl and any girl would feel devastated.

  207.  #207Femininewoman on February 9, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    Ella I read the thing about the questions too and thought maybe you could use “how do you feel about your job, your family, travelling” etc. Yes it is asking questions but it is about the emotional aspect of life.

  208.  #208April Rose on February 9, 2012 at 4:52 pm

    “… I encourage you to just believe he loves you no matter what…”
    I do believe he loves me. And he says so.

    He has a lot of unexpressed anger. And you’re right, I think my dating other men is making him mad as hell. (And he is stepping up too. He has started asking me out on dates!)
    I want to listen to the section in Love Scripts called “facilitating anger” which deals with encouraging a man to let out his anger safely.

  209.  #209Daria on February 9, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    im feeling angry

    i feel like im not special or important enough for a man to show up for me on time and take care of planning

    i feel so angry!

    i feel turned off

    i feel so disappointed

    i feel lonely!

    i feel angry!!!


  210.  #210Liz on February 9, 2012 at 4:55 pm

    Hi! I noticed I feel really triggered when I read about your attachment to Ryan and I really feel like it hits so close to home with me and accountantCD… feels so hard to want someone who does not want me in the same way or is not available…and i just keep CDing and it helps me grow so much, but it has not taken away my appreciation for how good I feel when I am with him…..yet i feel like i am living in an imaginary world or a fantasy with him, since he has not contacted me at all…and like Rori says, if he is not in front of you, he does not exist….so the only thing i can conclude is that I am not ready for a relationship and that this alone time is really helping me to sort out things….like this morning, i am starting to feel more secure that i can get things done…since i really did not have good role models for that….we were just expected to be high achievers but for many reasons i left home unprepared to take care of myself in all the aspects of daily living, so i yearn for the ability to create a soft, feminine haven for myself and still my apt is messy and has many papers lying around….
    so anyway, I have concluded that we are sisters on the same path, learning how to be realistic when dealing with a man we feel love (unrequited) for and learning how to honor our feelings and needs above theirs….whew….everyday that goes by that i do not contact accountantCD, i grow in confidence just a little more, even though i would love to bask in his caring masculine energy and feel the attraction between us again.
    Oh and all the other CD’s from the other night seem to have vaporized….interesting…

    what is the name of the website that gives organizing tips, does anyone remember?
    going to listen to my brother play at a coffee shop….

  211.  #211Daria on February 9, 2012 at 4:55 pm

    Ella – i say: ohh hehe i don’t want to ask anything it feels like so much work! i need some help 🙂

  212.  #212Daria on February 9, 2012 at 4:57 pm

    April Rose – haha that was just practice!

  213.  #213Butterfly wings on February 9, 2012 at 4:59 pm

    How does one CD when they’re living with another?

    And FW I agree with what you say about MW. In fact, I was quite insireny and mentioned Fatal Attraction as an example.

    He has no chance with her and I think he knows it.

    And I think expecting the worst is definitely my defenses at work.

    And again the problem exists with us living together. How do we get time apart?

    And how long do I let this drag on for???

  214.  #214April Rose on February 9, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    Liz, Brenda
    Carol Allen says she has discovered something in certain astrology chart combinations (of a man and woman’s chart synastry) that makes one partner convinced that the other person is their soulmate. Even when all other factors indicate otherwise.

    I have had this. And it was a relief to see it that way.

  215.  #215Butterfly wings on February 9, 2012 at 5:20 pm

    And I mean CDing “properly”. How do you do that if you live together?

  216.  #216Starla on February 9, 2012 at 5:23 pm


  217.  #217April Rose on February 9, 2012 at 5:28 pm

    Butterfly Wings,

    I live with a man, WM, and I have just started circular dating. I go out on regular dates with a man, EM, and WM knows about this. I always let him know when I am going out on a date.

    I thought about CDing for ages before I took the first step. I felt terrified and so I kept putting it off, telling myself I’d wait until I could afford to buy ‘Targeting Mr Right’.
    In the meantime I grew tired of WM’s laziness, and how he seemed so happy with giving me the minimum of attention and affection. Nothing I could say was changing that.
    Then, about three months ago I nervously told him that, because I like going out and because he is always so busy with work, I wanted to enjoy my life more, keep my options open and accept dates with other men.
    I don’t think he took me seriously.
    A couple of weeks after this discussion I accepted my first date. I felt so awkward. But I went and I had such a good time with EM.

    Three months on I’m a new woman inside. I feel happier. I have the attention of a man who wants to spend lots of time with me. I have no guilt feelings, no regrets. I want to increase my dating circle. I am feeling more and more liberated from the obligations I’ve always felt towards men I dated. Yesterday I wrote in my journal “I don’t owe you anything just because you have been good to me” and I imagined saying it to a man. It felt so freeing and true for me.

    I actually don’t feel at this moment that either of these guys is my beloved. That would depend on them showing me a lot more what they are made of!
    I am gathering momentum in finding out and opening up to what I really want in relationship.

    I feel so excited about the journey. It feels light and fun.
    Much more fun than trying to make things work better with one man.

  218.  #218Daria on February 9, 2012 at 5:33 pm

    I DID IT!!! i told late CD i felt mad!!!

    woooooooooo go me!

    i feel so happy!!! 🙂

  219.  #219Daria on February 9, 2012 at 5:35 pm

    wow April Rose!

  220.  #220FlowerChild77 on February 9, 2012 at 5:37 pm

    Liz…I think it’s the Fly Lady you’re thinking of www flylady dot com

    I think it’s so great that F-L-Y stands for Finally Loving Yourself 🙂

  221.  #221Butterfly wings on February 9, 2012 at 5:41 pm

    April Rose – thank you for your insight.

    I’ve read a few of your posts in the past with interest because I honestly don’t know how you do it!

    I’m perfectly ok with CDing in a non romantic sense but because TH and I work together and leave work together and go home together it’s hard. And I’m not short of attention away from work either.

    And because of my feelings for TH, I would feel like I’m being unfair and leading any potential dates on. I really don’t want to do that. It kind of reminds me of those married guys you see on online dating sites who are looking for some excitement outside of the marriage.

    OMG! I just worked out why I’m triggered by this! It’s because I would feel like I was CHEATING! And having my marriage fall apart because my ex cheated has left me with some very strong feelings about this.

    I was exclusive with both my exes really early in our relationships. Both married me. So that’s another obstacle I see here – being exclusive has worked for me in the past!

    This is all very eye-opening…

  222.  #222Butterfly wings on February 9, 2012 at 5:46 pm

    TH has been emailing all morning.

    He senses my emotional pullback I’m sure. He’s even emailed me a detailed “plan” for tonight’s activities. He never does that.

    Oh and he just emailed me a funny pic of a cat.

    He asked me earlier to log into gmail chat do we could talk. I’m yet to log in. Might do it after lunch… Maybe…

    Ok. I’ve got to find a way to CD online without leading anybody on. I need chat friends. Preferably male. And men I can be honest with about my situation.

    A man who works in the city would be perfect so we could have lunch!

  223.  #223liz on February 9, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    Thanks FlowerChild for the info….
    it will be fun to declutter for 15 min a day….that sounds doable!

  224.  #224April Rose on February 9, 2012 at 6:01 pm


    “OMG! I just worked out why I’m triggered by this! It’s because I would feel like I was CHEATING!”

    I am working through this very issue. At first it almost crippled me. There was the whole discussion on this blog about kissing and types of kissing that would feel or not feel like cheating.

    I actually cannot do any full-on kissing with EM, and he said he understands and it’s because I love WM.
    EM makes a repeated jokes about me not giving him a proper ‘snog’, (although we do have some lovely hugs). I believe his competitive instinct is aroused and that is why he continues to see me.

    WM seems to accept my new outings with EM. He did say a few weeks ago that he thought I was doing it to make him jealous. I said that’s not actually the reason. It is about me, not about you.
    I believe his competitive instinct is aroused as well, or something else is happening to him, because he is being a lot more affectionate. He even asked me on a date, and I can’t remember the last time that happened.

    So, whatever happens with these guys, I would gladly give up the guys in exchange for the feeling of value and freedom and carefreeness that I am now experiencing.

  225.  #225Turquoise on February 9, 2012 at 6:08 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    I’m feeling pleasantly surprised that my ex called me to let me know that he is coming home tomorrow and next weekend also. He sounded happy and upbeat on the phone, chatted with the girls, told me how his mom is doing and that she plans to tell the kids this weekend that she’s sick. I’m a little worried as to how the girls will react, with losing their aunt to breast cancer, but I have faith that he’ll help them through it and be strong for them. I will tell him I feel worried about it though, as he mostly sees the girls during happy times, like skiing and trips to Disney… this might be a first for them to experience together.

    I am aware that my mood improved with his call… and I truly wish my feels weren’t so responsive to his, as it reminds me of when we were married, during toxic times when if he was miserable, I felt miserable. When he was nice, I felt so relieved. I so wish I’d known Rori’s work then. I would have handled myself so differently. Relieved I know better now.

    I feel like possibly opening up to him more, in feeling messages about the life I deserve (not only want) … but I don’t know that this is the right time. He’ll be emotional about his mom, I don’t want to put any pressure on him, especially if he’s already upset. One of the things he really loved about me was that he always felt supported. He knew he could count on me emotionally. I encouraged him to go for what he wanted, to stand up for himself, listened when he was upset and just cared about his happiness. I feel I am empathetic, and it shows, this may be an opportunity for him to feel that from me again.

    I will most likely share that I’m happy to see him, enjoy his warm, squeezing hugs, (he gives the best hugs, mmm) share my love with my eyes and touch, pray the time with his mom goes well and that she’s feeling better since her procedure and that they all feeling loving towards each other) and enjoy some time on my own, doing sireny things… and spend some time with my sister, hopefully seeing the new Channing Tatum movie.

    I have no expectations, no set plans… just to relax, feel open and expressive.

  226.  #226April Rose on February 9, 2012 at 6:18 pm

    “Ok. I’ve got to find a way to CD online without leading anybody on. I need chat friends. Preferably male. And men I can be honest with about my situation.”

    You can be honest with everyone.
    It has been so healing for me to take the plunge and be honest with this man.
    EM has already been the catalyst for me to heal my fear of leading men on.

    We had a conversation in his car which went like this:

    me: I feel uneasy

    him: what about?

    me: I feel I’m struggling to get the words out.
    (few minutes silence)
    me: It was something you said to me on the phone the other night. I’m feeling troubled about it.

    him: oh yeah? What was that?

    me: You said “I hope you’re not leading me up the garden path.”

    him: oh? Are you?

    me: I don’t feel I want to be ‘leading’ anything. I’m just accepting your offers when you ask me out, because I feel good in your company.

    This led on to me saying how I feel I don’t owe anyone anything. Until I am married and that will feel different.

    He really got it, and visibly relaxed in front of me.

  227.  #227Butterfly wings on February 9, 2012 at 6:24 pm

    Yes I remember that whole kissing conversation.

    I’m not sure I’m ready to CD in that way. Not yet. If we didn’t practically live together then maybe. But I just couldn’t deal with it right now. And to be honest I just don’t have time for dates unless they’re lunch dates. Those I could handle. But again I’d feel bad for the other guy…

    So I would have to be up front like you have been, about my feelings for TH.

    But what type of guy “puts up” with that??? Either one with low self esteem or one really confident guy who thinks he can win me over.

    And I don’t want marriage – what TH and I have (minus the 3 issues) was great for me!

    Sigh… This is sooo hard!!!

  228.  #228LiliBee on February 9, 2012 at 6:28 pm


    April Rose…and Starla,

    I did unfriend him over an hour ago before leaving for zumba class.

    I had a very sad vibe in zumba class.
    I keep thinking of all I will be missing:
    We both loved to dance all evening nonstop.
    Parties w his family were great fun.
    Watching his son play hockey.
    Watching him play hockey and throwing me a kiss from the ice.
    Absolutely looooved his 3 sisters and both his parents.
    Cuddling all night.
    Getting ready to go to work in the morning while he prepared my lunch and my coffea.
    Him scraping my car windows.
    The s3x was the best I ever had.
    Going on trips with him.
    His easygoing fun personality.

    He had everything I wanted: Physical appearance, softeness, pride in his home, friendly, outgoing, loves to travel, loves to dance, funny…But he was extreeemely insecure and always had in the back of his mind that I would eventually leave him…and I had the same fear.

    I wasn’t ready for him when I met him and he wasn’t ready for me when he met me.

    I always thought that we would be the best 2 people to understand each other and connect, bc we both got cheated on by our exes with friends. It happened to us at the same time.
    The whole picture was too good to be true.
    We were soooo insecure and scared, both of us.
    He turned his attention to someone who made him feel safe and secure.
    I saw the pull between him and her, the same pull I saw between my mom and her bf, when they were both married to other people.
    I made peace w that past, my mom’s affair.
    It’s the best thing that ever happened to my mom, and he is the love of her life.
    I thank God that my mom met this man.
    Why is that situation popping up in my own love life for the 2nd time?
    I made peace, but maybe I’m still carrying around the humiliation?
    My mom’s affair was very public, they did not hide it very well, and I was very humiliated that everyone in town was gossipping about it.

    What I am greatful for:

    Him and his neighbourlady triggered me badly enough to pull me out of my shell. By trying to compete with her, I discovered myself:
    I discovered my adventurous self that was hiding for so long.
    I discovered that I love travelling.
    I discovered that I love dancing.
    I discovered that I love laughing.
    I discovered that I love connecting with many people.

    I feel sad right now, but I have gained so much from this experience.
    And it brought me here where I learned to connect with myself.

  229.  #229LiliBee on February 9, 2012 at 6:34 pm


    Hi FW,

    Being in the woods makes me feel peaceful.

    One of my CDs loves being in the woods 🙂

  230.  #230Lizka on February 9, 2012 at 6:43 pm

    I HATE going on dates with guys from dating site.

    I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

    I am removing my profile RIGHT NOW while I’m talking to you.

    I hate the moment where I have to try to remember the face of the guy and go see him.

    I got late to the date because of traffic and I got in that bar and I had to almost guess who the guy was and go ask if he was “him”. It felt sooo embarrasing.

    So far I’ve been on 3 dates with web-men and really, the quality of the men… not so impressed.

    This was was ok, we had a nice discussion on history and politic wich I enjoy so much, but he was really sarcastic in everything he was saying and I felt like he was making fun of me all the time. So I just smiled and was thinking of feeling messages but none was coming out of my mouth.

    I was so focusing on my disappointment that I didn’t even practised being sireny wich was the point of dating… When I go on date I have meet organically, I can really more focus on feeling messages, eyes contact, leaning back position, melting…

    No, I don’t like it AT ALL. I’m out.

    I don’t do online dating anymore. Bye bye.

  231.  #231Lizka on February 9, 2012 at 6:45 pm

    That’s it. My profile is down. Ouuuf. I feel relieved.

  232.  #232Tenny on February 9, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    Hello from paradise.
    It is breath taking in the tropics!
    CD Assertive is sleeping and I am in my feelings soup of paradise.
    A moment alone to feel everything.
    And it is so clear in a way
    That my feelings are real
    I have to find the words to let this man know I need to slow this down
    And we are here in paradise enjoying each other
    He is opening his heart and I don’t want to go that far
    I feel like the villan
    Cause CD Song is my every other thought
    In the back of my mind
    I am the CD villan

  233.  #233Tenny on February 9, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    Hello from paradise.
    It is breath taking in the tropics!
    CD Assertive is sleeping and I am in my feelings soup of paradise.
    A moment alone to feel everything.
    And it is so clear in a way
    That my feelings are real
    I have to find the words to let this man know I need to slow this down
    And we are here in paradise enjoying each other
    He is opening his heart and I don’t want to go that far
    I feel like the villan
    Cause CD Song is my every other thought
    In the back of my mind
    I am the CD villan

  234.  #234Lizka on February 9, 2012 at 6:50 pm

    And when I came back home, I was feeling so blaaah, that all I wanted to do was calling AroundTheWorld.

    Yeah. For a quick fix. But not for a quick fix of him. For a quick fix on being connected to something I know, to something that makes me feel good.

    I totally leaned forward.

    So I texted him “hello, are you busy?” and when he said no he was home about to go sleep, I asked if I could call. He said yes.

    So I called him and he was nice and happy to talk to me. I went deeper in my leaning forward. I told him I had a bad night and felt like talking to him. I talked about Thursday and the pictures conversation. I said I felt worry. He said my god there’s no reason in the world to feel worry. So I felt really better and I let him go to sleep before he was going to tell me he want to sleep.

    Yes. I totally lean forward and I don’t feel ashamed. If he’s the good one it’s ok to lean forward sometimes, no? I don’t really care about tonight. It was short but sweet. I feel confident that he’s gonna call me soon to see me again and maybe cook me his delicious Thai soup.

  235.  #235Tenny on February 9, 2012 at 6:50 pm


  236.  #236Sun Goddess on February 9, 2012 at 6:51 pm

    I changed my profile picture to just me. I am leaving it that way. I did it for me, not to upset anyone but so I can be happy with myself. We are supposed to go on our Vegas trip in 9 days but we haven’t had a conversation since last Saturdays blow up. For now, I am focusing on me and making outfits for my trip. I am determined to have a good time because I deserve it!

  237.  #237Turquoise on February 9, 2012 at 6:51 pm

    Lizka, I’ve been feeling the same way. The men who write me are so gross, not at all what I want. And I know it’s not about looks, give people a chance…. but they don’t have any of the qualities I’m looking for. You inspired me. I’m taking mine down too. Yuck, I feel turned off by it, big time!

  238.  #238sensual on February 9, 2012 at 6:52 pm

    slowly catching up with blog but wanted to post first…
    I feel curious to how one might have dealt with this situation more sireny than I managed-learning process!

    FWB (ryan) and I haven’t spoken since his birthday last week where I went over to his the night before and brought wine and I felt totally unappreciated. We fought and then the next day things were ok, so later on his b’day i texted him a cute little limerick poem i wrote for his birthday…and he didn’t reply!

    1 week later and he texts as if no problem!

    him: hey kid what’s up
    me: i’m in (another state) …i feel a bit surprised to hear from u to be honest. i thought ryan was really bad at replyin’ to the cute little note, that i wrote. (poem) on his birthday! 🙁

    and after he apologized and made excuses i wrote:
    me: it’s ok…i just got all excited when I thought of it! and then felt kinda sad at the lack of response. how have u been? i have a job offer in (other state) btw -eek!

    what do you sirens think? it feels really blamey to me but then i don’t want to let him get away with treating me like that!

  239.  #239Starla on February 9, 2012 at 6:54 pm


    I read your list of things you’ll miss about dating him, and I KNOW you will find those same gratifying things and more with the man of your dreams.

    I feel impressed you even WENT to zumba class. If it were me, I’d be too down in the dumps to even go…you’re amazing and taking really good care of yourself and an example to us all.

  240.  #240Femininewoman on February 9, 2012 at 6:55 pm

    Lizka one thing I do is tell the guy what I will be wearing and ask him what he will be wearing, at least the color.

  241.  #241LiliBee on February 9, 2012 at 6:55 pm



    You’re lucky he’s being open and honest with you about everything.

    D was not honest w me.
    He admitted to having hopes for the married neighbourlady only after I found him in bed naked with another woman.

    I had a friend who was 38 when she met the love of her life who was 26.
    She had 2 kids of her own.
    When he turned 30, (my friend 42), his brother had a baby.
    That floored him.
    He left her, moved out bc he said he really wanted to have a baby one day now that he had seen his brother experience the joy.
    He came back after 2 months bc he loved her too much and couldn’t live without her.
    Today, she’s 53, he’s 41 and they are still together.
    I’ve seen them together for a long time, and they have always looked like they really belong together.
    What she did when he left…she let him go gracefully.
    When she would tell me about it, she felt sad but not emtionally destroyed.
    He came back forever.

  242.  #242Lizka on February 9, 2012 at 6:56 pm

    And after I hung up with ATW, I called DjCD… Hehe, I know, leaning forward festival tonight!

    But DjCD is not like a real CD. I lean forward all the time with him but he gives me 10x mores.

    And it felt soooooooooooo incredibly good to talk to him.

    Actually he missed my call but called me back 1 minute after and said the most happy HELLO in the world! I immediately felt so light and so happy and so smiley.

    I told him about my date, he knows I am circular dating, I explained him how it works, and since he’s not a real CD, I guess it’s ok. He’s more like a friend-CD.

    I told him about the date and told him it felt awful and that I don’t want to date from web sites anymore. He was nice and made jokes about it and we laugh and awwwwww DjCD I love you so much. 🙂

    And he said “good night sweetie”.

    We have a very special connexion. Like if he was the man of my life but we were just not ready for it yet. I feel good where we are right now. I hope he does too. I think he does.

    Makes me feel smiley when I think of him. I look at the pictures of his Valentine’s day roses in the background of my cell phone and I smile and feel loved.

  243.  #243Lizka on February 9, 2012 at 7:01 pm

    Turquoise –

    Oh! It’s a very negative inspiration, no? Hope I did not turned off too many sirens.

    I mean, I guess dating sites are good for some people, but for me, it just isn’t.

    Right now, I have 3 other CDs, I can take my time before finding a 4th one, and a 5th… I prefere to find them organically.

    Lol, DjCD found it very funny when I used the word “organically”. hehe

  244.  #244Sun Goddess on February 9, 2012 at 7:03 pm

    When LP calls me again I do want to be warm and loving and not cold and guarded. Could you all help me write a script?

    Me: It feels so good to hear from you. I wish you would have called earlier because my weekend is mostly booked. I would still like it very much if you would like to come to my birthday dinner with my family on Sunday.

    If he says he can’t make it: oh, well, we can make up for it in Vegas. No worries.

    What do you all think?

  245.  #245LiliBee on February 9, 2012 at 7:03 pm


    Thank you Starla! That feels so good 🙂

    He wasn’t all bad, and neither was I.

    One thing that hit me: When we were with his guy friends at the beach, they were talking about a guy that had just been dumped by his gf.
    He immediately threw himelf in a new relationship.
    They all had the opinion that the guy is going too fast to a new relationship.
    D said: To deal w a breakup, you need to keep yourself really really busy to not think about it and forget it.
    Can I tell you that that rang my bell loud, like ouch! Watch out! Unhealed man in my love life here!
    One of his guy friends said “No, I disagree. You need to spend time alone and think about your last relationship and what went wrong to learn and not repeat the same patterns.”
    Geee, I like his friend alot!

  246.  #246LiliBee on February 9, 2012 at 7:09 pm

    So basically, what I chalk it up to is:

    D never faces any of his issues, so he never healed from any of his past relationships, he only grew more insecure, as I did.
    I healed alot of stuff during my relationship with him, and am continuing to heal.
    I’m proud of myself for having the courage to learn and evolve now 🙂

  247.  #247Sun Goddess on February 9, 2012 at 7:12 pm


    Thanks for posting your progress and healing, it really is helping me process my own stuff.

  248.  #248Femininewoman on February 9, 2012 at 7:15 pm

    Sun Goddess “Me: It feels so good to hear from you. I wish you would have called earlier because my weekend is mostly booked. I would still like it very much if you would like to come to my birthday dinner with my family on Sunday.”

    “It feels so good to hear your voice. My weekend feels like it will be very busy. I feel so excited about my birthday dinner this Sunday with my family. It will make me feel so…………… have everybody there celebrating with me. What do you think?”

    I don’t even think you need that last question. I would just go for telling him about my fun filled life.

  249.  #249Sun Goddess on February 9, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    Thanks FW. I do feel scared to be open to him after what happened on Saturday, but I know that is a defense mechanism of mine, so I am going to ignore it and try to bypass it.

  250.  #250Lizka on February 9, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    ((((((((Butterfly Wings))))))))

  251.  #251Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 7:19 pm

    April Rose,

    RE: #170 – “So, to soften more, simply carry on with those lovely tools and your enjoyment of them. I can feel that you have a huge capacity to enjoy yourself and have fun, especially when you give yourself a break from trying to have an effect on another person.

    Your own fun and enjoyment is the nectar which draws in the bees and butterflies…”

    You express yourself so beautifully…and, yes, softly! I really appreciate that. Yes, I do enjoy fun and treasuring pleasure!

    I spose I am guilty of trying to have an effect on another person. But I prefer to think of it as developing my emotional intelligence: knowing what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. As far as changing my vibe, my efforts are truly 2.5 years overdue! I am just delighting in the “be surprised” effect Rori talks about!

    What I realize is that 2.5 years ago, when I attempted to do Circular Dating, I was so broken up inside I was just not able to cultivate anything new with a new man. And, like I said, I had that total love for one man thing going on that zapped my desire to CD, even tho logically I saw the value in it.

    So all I am doing here now is more fully utilizing Rori’s tools – do I need to feel guilty for that? I think not. I am just getting a kick out of seeing them work…and so fast! LOL!

    I ended up staying home tonight and taking a nap while watching back-to-back episodes of Little House on the Prairie, my all-time favorite TV series! 🙂 It felt comforting.

  252.  #252Femininewoman on February 9, 2012 at 7:20 pm

    LiLiBee I wouldn’t judge him. There is no right or wrong way to get over a breakup. People just choose different paths is my humble opinion. Someone who goes immediately into another relationshiop could possibly meet a siren who might help him heal through her heart.

  253.  #253Femininewoman on February 9, 2012 at 7:22 pm

    Sun Goddess to ignore it might be being inauthentic. If something is still lingering there, I would find a way to bring up the hurt feelings. I am sure he is aware of what he did and if you can’t change your vibe by shifting your thoughts, your next best bet is by speaking up about it. Stuffing it down by ignoring it will only make matters worse later.

  254.  #254Lizka on February 9, 2012 at 7:24 pm

    I feel happy and glad to have DjCD back in my life as a friend-CD…

    I think I feel afraid though…

    Right now, I think of him and feel happy just like I think of running, or history, or going to the spa…

    But I’m afraid this is gonna fade… I feel scared that if I think of him too much with the happiness feeling, I will fall in love with him and have to lean back and bla bla bla. I so love what we’re doing right now. I don’t want to loose it by falling in love with him…

  255.  #255Lizka on February 9, 2012 at 7:26 pm

    I’m not thinking of him like FOCUSING on him. It’s different. Just like awwww it feels good to know him. I’m not worrying at every seconds what he’s doing, what he thinks, is he with another girl…

    But I’m afraid to think of it so much that I start being obsess with him just like I feel with ATW… I don’t want that. I don’t want to feel worried about DjCD…

  256.  #256Lizka on February 9, 2012 at 7:28 pm

    Maybe I’m not forcing myself to be super-extra-sireny with DjCD because I’m trying to protect myself to fall in love with him…

    Is that possible?

    What do you think?

  257.  #257Lizka on February 9, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    Look at me thinking of him that much! A week ago I was all into no one else exist besides ATW! And now!!

    I’m weird…

  258.  #258Sun Goddess on February 9, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    My fears are unrelated to him….they are all based on past experiences that I punish him for. I do not want to bring them up again to him. I want to deal with them on my own instead of them causing more of a wedge between us.

  259.  #259LiliBee on February 9, 2012 at 7:30 pm


    April Rose,

    That is inspiring.

    I am CD’ing now, but no dates yet.
    I just cd people I know.

    One cd has been head over heels into me for the past year.
    I get to see him “by coincidence” bc I’m good friends w his sister.
    She told me he is absolutely nuts about me.
    I can buy time w him bc he’s dating someone right now, but she is moving back to her home country soon.

    I have a cd at work whose values and activities are really aligned w mine.

    I met someone at a dance club last week.
    I felt really good vibes from him.
    He felt calm and confident…until we left each other…
    He asked “we’ll be calling each other, right?”
    I said “Yeeaaah” with a big smile 🙂
    I’ve been waiting for him to call, leaning back.
    But he hasn’t yet.
    He seemed to be genuinely into me.
    I’m thinking, maybe he hasn’t called yet bc I was tipsy and he may think that I might not remember him?
    Maybe he asked me that question at the end expecting me to call?
    That may be a sign that he’s actually insecure?
    Do I want another insecure man?
    If I call, that would be leaning forward.
    Leaning forward as in “I’m offering myself to you, so you can feel free to take advantage of me or take me for granted”.
    What if I say “I felt unsure to call you…”
    I feel like his question “We’ll call each other, right?” is like a trap to have me lean forward.

    Urggghhh…Help sirens! What do I do?

  260.  #260Turquoise on February 9, 2012 at 7:33 pm

    I felt really tempted to call or text my ex today to see if he was coming home this weekend. I refrained, decided to trust that he’d let me know when he knew. And he did, and it felt way better to have him call me, let me know his plans…. and hear him say he’d call again tomorrow on his way home.

    I really wish when he said he was coming home, he meant he was coming back. Sigh… feels good to admit to myself that I really want that, not covering it up with, if this… or of course part of me still loves him, but …..

    No, universe, let me be clear.

    I deserve a second chance at real love, with someone who wants to come home to me.

  261.  #261LiliBee on February 9, 2012 at 7:35 pm

    What if I say “I felt hesitant to call you, I don’t usually call men 1st…”

    I shoulda said so when he asked “We’ll call each other, righ?”
    I shoulda said “I don’t feel good calling men 1st, it would feel good to hear from you soon…”

  262.  #262Femininewoman on February 9, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    LiliBee I have the same thing with one of my cds but I assume he has options and with all the other women out there chasing after men, I also believe that sometimes they are not even sure of their own roles. I am content leaning back though and allowing him to come to me. I have leaned forward so much in the past. I have recently been questioning the leaning back and feeling the urgency to lean forward but so far I have not. I will lean forward to guys who I am not interested in or I know it will not work out with if I need some male attention.

  263.  #263Lizka on February 9, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    Feeling invisible. Off to bed.

    ‘Night sirens!

  264.  #264Femininewoman on February 9, 2012 at 7:38 pm

    I feel old fashioned. I like it when the man is confident in himself to go after what he wants.

  265.  #265Femininewoman on February 9, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    LiliBee I ended up in an argument with one who I told I don’t want to be calling first or calling men. Even though I would call him when he left a message, and he acknowledged that. He was adamant that sometimes I must pick up the phone and call him. After several weeks he said he was not going to call me any more. He said he can’t see why it must be the man who must always be putting out the effort. He needs to know the other party is interested too. I just said okay, okay.

  266.  #266Femininewoman on February 9, 2012 at 7:45 pm

    Did he say “coming home” Turq? It would be interesting to know what he meant. If it was the house that he bought or to his family. I suspect it might be his family and if so it would be very telling about his thinking.

  267.  #267LiliBee on February 9, 2012 at 7:47 pm


    Awww Lizka,

    This DjCD looks really good for you 🙂
    Even as just a friend, or whatever, he’s good for you.

  268.  #268Kyla on February 9, 2012 at 7:52 pm

    ((April Rose))

    I’m glad the post I shared was helpful to you aww and It feels so good to feel noticed too. Thank you!

  269.  #269LiliBee on February 9, 2012 at 7:56 pm



    You have a major revelation there!

    D and I started our relationship always referring to our past relationships…not good, it definitely brought bad vibes into the relationship.

    Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s good to share your feelings of insecurity. It would give him the opportunity to understand you and connect to you.
    But it shouldn’t be about being stuck in the past.

  270.  #270Lizka on February 9, 2012 at 8:00 pm

    Haha I freaked out because I heard noise in my living room and i saw light under the door and then I saw the light turned off…

    Weird!!!!! Then I thought it migh just be the light from outside that I forgot to turn off. It makes sense because it’s a movement detector so it turns on and off my itself…

    But I felt scare so I texted DjCD and asked him to call police if I call him during the night and don’t speak. Haha I did it in feeling messages. Said I feel scared and I would feel so releived and I feel so safe now… Hehe

    He’s cute

  271.  #271Turquoise on February 9, 2012 at 8:05 pm


    He called and said he wanted to let me know that he was coming home tomorrow and would be home again next weekend. He also told me that he wants to finish putting up the shelves and to hang a mirror for me. I told him I felt happy that he’d be home two weekends in a row, the girls were excited, and said thank you, that would be great about the shelves, etc.

    His saying he’s coming home could be to us, just the girls or it could mean seeing his mom… probably all. His tone was warm and friendly… I don’t know, just going to lean back and be surprised.

  272.  #272LiliBee on February 9, 2012 at 8:05 pm


    Urgghh, I donno. I’ll sleep on it. I’ll see how I feel about it tomorow.

    I do admire your strong position though FW.

    Well, I’m not really expecting any outcome anyway.
    I want to shop around, do some window shopping.
    I don’t feel the urgency for a fast comitted relationship.
    I just want to explore my options.

  273.  #273LiliBee on February 9, 2012 at 8:09 pm


    I see what you mean about judging FW.

    However, I did feel “unsafe” at hearing that.
    Hearing his friend’s opinion made me feel “safe”.

  274.  #274Butterfly wings on February 9, 2012 at 8:15 pm

    241 LiliBee – yes I am grateful that he’s being honest with me. And he has been in constant contact with me all day!!! This is totally unlike him!

    And I’m kind of acting out of character too, taking my time to respond and with few words.

    I feel like I’ve taken a HUGE emotional step back. Yesterday I was quite a mess. Today I feel calm, and kind of like I really don’t care what the outcome is – I just want the uncertainty to end.

    I had a big cry last night and this morning – in the shower and in TH’s arms. I sooo needed it. And it felt nice to have him hold me like that.

    LiliBee, your story gives me hope. But at the same time I’m trying to stay detached from the outcome.

    I’ll also let him go gracefully if the baby thing is such an issue because I will totally understand why somebody would want that. I just hope he decides soon.

    In the meantime I’m on a mission to raise my vibe!!

  275.  #275Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 8:18 pm

    April Rose,

    RE: #214 – I’m not a fan nor a believer in astrology. I believe God is a Matchmaker. I believe Ryan is my Soul Mate.

  276.  #276Turquoise on February 9, 2012 at 8:30 pm

    Lizka, I forgot to take my garbage out earlier… and feeling kinda scared to now that it’s 11PM, but the garbage truck comes really early, so no choice.

    DJCD sounds sweet. I hope he steps up and leads… wil be good practice and to experient with.

  277.  #277Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 8:35 pm


    RE: #188 – I don’t want to discuss his case in such a public place. I shouldn’t have even posted that fear in a public place. It has nothing to substantiate it. It is just an inner fear, because I know some people get upset when another ends a long term friendship.

    I mean, as things stand now, I freely give him my street address, and his adult son may come live with me. It is not a real fear, I don’t think. In the past when we were on the verge of ending it, he said, “Just tell me if you want to end it, and I won’t contact you anymore.”

    Matter of fact, tonight when he called he almost said that. It was more, “Well, I’ll call you around Sunday, all right?” I said, “Sure.” Then at the end of the 15 minute call, he said, “Do you want me to call right back?” It showed he was just trying to manipulate me there thinking he wouldn’t call for a while. I said, “No, not really.” So I called his bluff.

    No, I really don’t want him to call back when he spends almost the whole 15 minutes yelling at me and hurling criticism and blame. I just sent him an email, very brief. Just not feeling it. I just acknowledged the friendship was limited and I love him. And I give up on communicating with him when it is all met with blame-shifting.

    I told him flat out on the phone that he is an emotional vampire. He angrily said, “Oh, yeah? How?” I told him I feel almost constantly pressured and convinced against my will and I constantly have to hold boundaries with him. I don’t even think he understands. I think he is just blind to all this relational stuff.

    All i can say is thank God I got my life apart from him before we were more deeply tied together than just on paper. I love him and I always will. But the break from not talking with him the last couple of days has been a welcome break.

  278.  #278Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 8:39 pm


    RE: #164 – “Starla,

    RE: #101 – “i feel glad for you that you’re seeing it in action now, so you can trust it, instead of shooting yourself in the foot with leaning forward and imaginary relationships!!”

    Imaginary relationships?? 🙂 ”

    I was saying that with tongue-in-cheek, meaning I don’t believe it is an imaginary relationship. 🙂

  279.  #279Susan on February 9, 2012 at 8:40 pm

    RE: 201: Daria says:

    “im triggered – someone at work at my mom’s old job used to complain about her perfume, repeatedly even when she wasn’t around the person

    my mom felt unimportant

    i felt humiliated and furious

    i feel so defensive over my mom’s experience with this

    i dont’ want to “be nice” and “understanding” about it

    i feel mad!”

    Daria, Do you really not understand that perfume triggers asthma in some people? Are you really that self involved? Go ahead, react away. Whine and snivel. Fill up this blog with blah, blah, blah. But if you or your mom wear perfume around someone who has an asthma reaction to it and you continue to do so, you are being cruel. Feeling message this all you want. It is still CRUEL to the person who is having trouble breathing.

  280.  #280Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 8:57 pm


    RE: #218 – “I DID IT!!! i told late CD i felt mad!!!

    woooooooooo go me!

    i feel so happy!!! 🙂 ”

    Yay for you! I had a similar victory today with Ryan, when I told him on the phone, “You know, I don’t always enjoy our friendship, either.” It is the first time I ever said that to him. I felt scared it would all go down the drain and he would end the call. But instead he hung in there with me and we had a very productive conversation about our friendship.

  281.  #281Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 9:00 pm

    Susan and Daria,

    RE: Perfume – Daria, you mean someone complained about your Mom’s perfume? I don’t have asthma, but 99 times out of 100, I detest smelling perfume and cologne at an office. When I am sitting there 8 hours a day, i feel headachey by the end of the day. What are the chances that everyone will like your fragrance? Slim.

    In all my jobhunting and professional training, I’ve always been told not to wear perfume to work. Just be clean and fresh. I strongly agree.

  282.  #282Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 9:03 pm

    (((Butterfly Wings))),

    RE: #274 – I feel sad you cried, yet I feel glad you were able to let it out and that TH held you. And very glad he’s been messaging you all day! Sounds very much like it is not personal AT ALL.

    I think everything will turn out well, and I hope and pray the best for you!

    Hugs, Brenda

  283.  #283Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 9:18 pm


    RE: #192 – “can i order the strawberry smoothie? == the strawberry smoothie would feel good

    “do you have the money for it?”

    ans: oh wow that feels really bad… i feel like im not good enough for my man to take care of me… i don’t want to feel that way… what do you think?”

    Wow, braveness! How did it turn out?

  284.  #284Starbright on February 9, 2012 at 9:28 pm


    Do you ever feel like you would like a man to take care of you financially? It has crossed my mind at times with some cd’s even though intellectually I have thought I ought to be able to take care of myself.

    It sounds like you have grown so much with Kenny! Also, doesn’t seem like anyone ought to be able to yell at you like that especially when you are paying for it! Ah, it all feels though like the changes are coming a bit at a time!

    How is the job stuff going? It sounded great that you have a landlady who seems very open and loving towards you! It feels so great to live in a place and with a landlord who is understanding!


  285.  #285Memulo on February 9, 2012 at 9:35 pm

    I had a great date tonight and SmartCD is wonderful!!

  286.  #286Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 9:41 pm


    It would feel like heaven to have a man take care of me financially. I can barely imagine it. Much of the stuff on the blog about letting a man pay feels alien to me after 23 years of supporting men in prison financially most of that time.

    Ryan is on disability, and since I am seriously considering him for a lifelong relationship, I have concluded that I am willing to be the provider if we ever have a family. I don’t prefer it, but I’m willing. I know it bothers him a great deal that he can’t have enough wellness to hold a paying job. He is working on that by volunteering, just to get used to the routine. I know he thinks about how he could support a family, because he wants children very much.

    It feels scary at times. How I wish I could just let go of my wallet, checkbook, and credit cards and let a man take over. But that is not forthcoming anytime soon. It meant a lot to me just having Ryan offer to hold money for me if I choose so I don’t spend it. And I thoroughly trust him to do that.

    I hold hope for a good future. It feels so hard sometimes when all I ever really wanted was to be a wife and a mother. My life is so far removed from that dream.

    But I love my life, and I have a lot of good things for which I am thankful, especially my friends.

  287.  #287Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 9:46 pm

    Oh, you asked about my job situation. I had an interview and was turned down. I am looking into starting a business. I am considering seriously having my Mom move in with me. There is a possibility to get funding for me being her caregiver, even tho she is my Mother. So I am continuing to jobhunt and have several opportunities I am waiting to hear back from right now.

    I am still being delayed by unemployment, and they are holding onto 2-3 weeks worth of payments. It is killing me financially. I was expecting it this week and see no reason for it to be delayed. I can’t get thru on the phone cuz they keep their line on busy. I payed one bill and my rent, and now I am facing the next two weeks with $1. I’ve been blocking that out all night because it was stressing me out so bad. praying for solutions, creative solutions.

  288.  #288Starbright on February 9, 2012 at 9:53 pm


    Sending you good thoughts on the job situation (as well as all the other things you are working towards.) It’s great to have some different ideas on ways to bring in the money that you need! Positive thoughts and action can together bring new possibilities in an instant! I wish I would always remember this!

  289.  #289Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 9:55 pm

    Starbright, thanks!

  290.  #290Butterfly wings on February 9, 2012 at 10:00 pm

    Thank you Brenda. I know that everything will turn out as it should. I also know that I’ll. Be perfectly ok regardless of what TH decides.

    I have several admirers, I have no trouble meeting men. I’ll be fine.

    And that feeling of being fine is going to save me I think!

    I choose to only focus on what I can control. My focus will be totally off what I cannot control.

    Life is good – and this event is a stepping stone to something better!!

  291.  #291Turquoise on February 9, 2012 at 10:07 pm


    For the job front idea… my sister works for a company that provides caregivers/companions for elderly people. They don’t need medical care, but someone to read to them, take them to the store, just keep them company. The pay isn’t fabulous, but you can usually work as little or as much as you want, so if you could work 3 days a week and still get your unemployment, might be an idea. My sister loves her little old lady… who is very with it. She says she’s often getting paid to watch tv with her and sit and relax. I think she makes $10-12 an hour.

    Maybe something like that would feel rewarding, and haver possible leads to something more. Plus, meet some new people.

    One suggestion regarding Ryan that I’d like to make… stop telling him how much you love him. That is something I feel you are thrusting on him, and if he isn’t saying it back… I don’t see that it’s serving you at all. It may even be making him uncomfortable. If nothing else…. it’s allowing him to keep treating you the way he does, because he knows he has you.

    I liked reading you telling him you didn’t always enjoy his friendship either. It seemed less needy, more sticking up for yourself.

  292.  #292Brenda on February 9, 2012 at 10:37 pm


    Thank you! I will reconsider getting a part time job as a caregiver. I did that in the past as a hold-me-over type job, and I enjoyed it too, for the most part. My favorite client was a 92 year old woman who was a fall risk. She lived with her daughter, and we played a lot of Scrabble. She was an avid cheater, and after a while I gave up on trying to catch her, LOL! She also snuck sips of half-and-half from the frig, saying, “Don’t tell my daughter!” I would just laugh and say, “Hey, you’re 92! You should enjoy life! Do whatever you want!”

    I am used to earning a whole lot more, but yeah, it could be a temporary thing to support unemployment.

    When I say I love you to Ryan, I’m sure it makes him uncomfortable, but sometimes it just slips out. It is most definitely a genuine feeling message. I have tried to make mental notes not to say it. I know you are right.

    Yeah, it felt empowering to tell him I don’t always enjoy our friendship, either.

    Baby steps. All I’ve been learning thru Rori and the Sirens is definitely starting to gel.

  293.  #293Silver-Tongued Siren on February 9, 2012 at 11:55 pm

    update on MILW:

    so after a horrid friday, or saturday, MILW did not speak to me or respond to my texts at all, until Monday morning. But, seeing that they were requesting love rather than being angry (and my last one was sort of feeling like “ok you’re not doing what I want, responding, or coming home, but that’s ok”.. Monday when he responded he said he “just had to check out” .. i think we both felt overwhelmed, and he said that he felt like no matter what he said it just made it worse…. sort of skewed perception imo, as making it better felt quite simple to me.

    I responded to a few of his texts, but I never responded to him regarding his text “i will do my best not to be sexual with you and i will make time for baby 1xwk” – haha, well I have different plans. I am NOT here to be friends, I am here as your partner and for you to be home every night loving your family. and 1xwk is NOT enough for the baby! ugh. but i have been so on the fence about whether to just call it and say if you want to be part of his life, be here for your family, be here for him everyday,…..or to have gratitude for the little bits he wants to be there for.

    I don’t know how to respond.
    SO, I have been doing my best to just say as little as possible period. I realize that we talk too much – we start talking about our relationship – when what is important is not “fixing” the perceived “problems” but rather, CREATING HAPPY times together! He hasn’t seemed to grab onto this concept.

    Instead of telling him 1xwk feels bad, I just haven’t said anything since I hadn’t decided what to say about all that.

    Instead, the only communication I have done since then is to ask him to watch the baby, a few hours in the afternoon two days in a row -bc I had to do things. (work, funeral, and the second day I didn’t offer info about). He agreed!!! …. even though he said he would make time 1xwk he agreed.

    the second day ended up getting cancelled, (i should have just let him watch the baby regardless – baby needs to see him).

    Yesterday I was supposed to go to my friend’s ex husbands funeral – she is out of the country. my car wouldn’t start. again. but MILW had already picked up baby so I could go.

    He picked baby up AND brought baby back – they ran “errands” together, and he also came back with a fresh haircut. MILW then proceeded to stick around, (which actually helps me cause the baby is sooo much more calm when there are other people in the house, particularly him – the rest of the time he is pulling at my skirts).

    So MILW sat around working and facebooking, etc. in the living room. I went a couple rooms away in the office most of the time, doing my work. I left music playing in the living room to create a pleasant atmosphere. he hung around for quite some time, fell asleep for thirty minutes, and then went to work.

    Today, he called this morning at 11:30 to “check on my and the baby, he was driving to work, i love you”… I did not hear the call, and even if i Had, i probably would have made him leave a message. I thought about responding a <3 to it, but never did, and he texted several hours later "need to stop by". I tried to get out of the house before he got there, because it's just uncomfortable for me sometimes, but he arrived before I left.

    Our mutual friend was there, (a guy) giving me a ride to the grocery store (since my battery died for good), and sharing space while working and doing laundry. we were literally walking out the door, another man carrying baby's carseat and taking us to get groceries…

    (I feel like I'm taking his chores away from him, and it kinda feels good. yeah, you don't wanna help me find someone to jump the car, or replace the battery? yeah you don't wanna be home? Ok then, because there is someone else who does..).

    immediately MILW seemed to get snappy that I had LOCKED the front door even though I saw him pull up in front of the house. well…. he has a key to the house in the car. i said. he said "but you saw me". i unlocked the door after getting a little snappy back. before I left, he walked up to me, hugged me tightly.. we made up. he went for a fast kiss on the lips but i slightly avoided it.

    returned a couple hours later, as he was on his way out the door to go to work, I guess – I was surprised he had been here the whole time. he was using the computer as this is his work computer for one of the businesses, and I felt nervous that he was looking at my windows. oh well though.

    he started to talk to me as I was going to get sleeping baby out of the car, and I said I would wait until he was gone- because otherwise baby would cry. he looked at him adoringly, how cute he is.. I think he felt sad that I didn't wake him up.
    we talked about renting the rooms out in our house and work stuff, and he started pulling up grass/weeds in the front yard so I bent down to help. after a few minutes he had to go and he kissed me on the lips this time, and i also said that I wasn't going to finish this since he wasn't (he got mad at me a week or two ago that he has to "inspire" me to do this yardwork – well I have a baby full time and can't do yardwork unless he is sleeping – he runs out into the road! and when he IS sleeping, I am busy with other more important things than yardwork!

    so he left- he actually looked kind of run down a little bit, like tired, or eyes red, I don't know. he is a high energy guy, so it's rare to see him that way. maybe he had a long night.

    as he walked to the car he turned to me and said "you look good!" and I thanked him.

    he texted me later with a person to call about the room we're renting, who mentioned to me that he "spoke to my ex boyfriend"… to which I said it's a bit more complicated than that.

    He sent me an email tonight about another potential renter, just said "please call so and so, thanks"

    .. I am feeling pretty secure in the moment and feel he is not getting the energy from me that he wants, perhaps he is momentarily pulling back, but I am going to outgirl him and stick to my guns. I was happy and in a great mood today when he came over, I barely noticed him. i had high energy and was completely distracted. a little nervous but happy. But I am assuming, we will see how he acts tomorrow. All I do know is he always comes back, and he always leans forward when I relax.

    One thing that is helping me is taking it one day at a time.. thinking about.. this is only for today! only for today. So lean back for today, for this hour.. lean back and do it well just for now.

  294.  #294Silver-Tongued Siren on February 10, 2012 at 12:14 am

    So, I am feeling success with MILW. I lean back for long enough and stay calm, and he feels good being around me. spends time at the house (even though I told him NOT to contact me ugh -for those of you who missed the details, it’s in HIS name, so I can’t exactly tell him not to, I can however go to the next room, be busy, leave, etc).. I love to be with him but as partners only.)

    I am also feeling success with BF. I said how sad it made me feel that we didn’t talk all week or two wks really aside from tiny one comment connections about this or that, but not any real connecting. (however he was typical man and was like, but i commented on your page, and we texted etc). but none of those were conversations. well he said something along the lines of “you could call me” and yet again I say I don’t call men, I don’t feel comfortable doing that, he wanted to know why, I said that’s just how I feel right now, and I assume if you’re not calling me that you’re just busy, so.
    I don’t really remember the rest of the convo.
    I ended up calling him a few days after he left, I texted to ask if he was available to talk to baby and I. he first missed it, then said “sh*t, I just saw this, i have been reading the baby sleep book” (that he bought me from the thrift store, and then since i hadn’t had time to read, he took it and said he’d give me a book report on it. :D) .. he asked if I was asleep and we then talked on the phone for at least an hour. That felt really good.

    Then, he didn’t talk to me for eight days!!!!!!!!!! I bit my tongue, metaphorically. it didn’t feel good at all not hearing from him! especially over the weekend, when I felt myself wondering what he was doing!!! … and no fb posts from him over the wknd. so what was he doing. i felt a little worried that he could be with someone else. but I didn’t contact him. on the 7 day mark he “liked” something on my fb page. (he could see that I had been all over fb but not interacting on his page (and I do this only minimally, normally. a like here and there.)
    if he looked closely enough, he could see that I also had a couple of men complimenting me, one saying he missed seeing me out, one offering to make out with me, (ha, i liked that one!) …one wanting to get together.
    well, then he changed his name to something…that sounds like a cute baby name your girlfriend would give you….. made me feel even more suspicious about what he’s been up to!!! !!UGH but I didn’t contact him.

    a couple days later, however 😀 as I had been thinking about it already, I changed my name to something different, evoking the idea of mystery.

    annnnd then later he messaged me. we talked for an hour or so online, during which he flirted with me (very sexual), and then TOLD me he was going to be here this weekend, (i did tell him i liked the “storming the castle” bit before, and I can always tell him no, so I am ok with him “telling” rather than “asking” – cause it’s all up to me anyway.)

    he also asked very nicely if I would like to go along to his dad’s to pick some things up one day on the wknd. (family’s town is an hour and a half away).

    So, he will drive a few hours north to my town, then the next day he will drive us an hour and a half south and then back 1 1/2 hrs north to my town, and then drive back south a few hours to go back to his job. … lots of driving. and no more driving for Silver! he has been very good about this since i let him know after christmas.

    also, instead of feel jealous and suspicious of his new fb cutesy name, when HE contacted ME via message, I said “__cutesie nammmmmeee! :D” and he laughed, and said he liked what I had changed my name to! 🙂 and it felt good, our whole conversation felt very aligned, and I mirrored a lot.

    I have been practicing mirroring with both BF and MILW. I think I didn’t do that well with MILW today, but way better than I have been seeing how happy and light I was today. but maybe I could’ve been more responsive to his kisses, etc.

  295.  #295Silver-Tongued Siren on February 10, 2012 at 12:23 am

    is it LK who posted a couple of threads ago, about maybe moving in with her man, but not wanting to pay rent?

    Sirens, how would one approach that issue? of what will things be like if we move in together, who pays what, how does money work, and i don’t want to pay rent?

    I feel especially when it comes to BF I should not have to pay rent, I am already taking care of this baby, so it’s your responsibility to ‘help’ with this.

    BF has asked me twice now to move in with him, within the last 10 months. Mainly because I love MILW, so I didn’t. Of course there were several other reasons, including that BF and I are not committed to each other and I think if I moved in with someone it would be better to be committed to our relationship, rather than approach each other as a ‘maybe’.

    However, reading Dominique’s blog about committment, what is it, made me slightly uncertain of my thoughts, however her man sounds much more committed, in his actions.

    but BF is sort of an action type man.
    he doesn’t tell me I love you, really, but I have known he does, for a long long time. he seems to show it with his actions.

    YET- if a man really is committed in his heart, showing it with his actions, then wouldn’t he have the guts to make it official, to be in a relationship?

    so i’m still not convinced.

    anyway, how does one deal with these conversations about living together,, like LK (I think) mentioned? about the financial side of things.

  296.  #296Silver-Tongued Siren on February 10, 2012 at 12:40 am

    oh. also i was mentioning all my feelings of success this week, forgot to include some things.

    so MILW texting/being open to me after bad wknd.
    MILW agreeing to accept being with baby more than he said, when I asked.
    MILW taking care of baby (haircut)
    MILW spending time at the house
    MILW calling me this morning to check on us and say ILY
    MILW stopping in this afternoon to find me happy and cheerful
    MILW attempting to kiss me on the lips twice and complimenting how I look

    BF contacting me! and talking for an hour or so.
    BF assuming he is doing the driving if I agree to go with him to his dads.
    (did I mention BF filled my gas tank up last time he was here?)
    Conversation with BF feeling very in alignment with each other/mirroring.
    (I feel SO good about not contacting him!)
    BF seemed quite open lots of conversation about his week etc. and he asks how mine was of course.

    all the men commenting on my fb?!?!?!

    I have now twice asked other men friends to come by to jump my car.. the first one stayed (with his wife) to hang out, even tho MILW invited them to a party I wasn’t invited to!!!, and we had some tequila!

    then last night man #2 came over, who i haven’t talked to in a long time (AND HE OFFERED, I did NOT ask). When he got here, he seemed nervous/awkward. He was in no hurry to jump my car. He sat around and talked for over an hour.

    then i texted “wanted to say hi!” to a third man friend who recently contacted me, and he wanted to have a hangout/slumberparty, with baby too (we have never slept together or been romantic at all but he gave me a place to stay once when I was without one). he also offered to replace my battery if I could buy one, and to go with me to get it! I would have to drive as he sold his car but later he borrowed a truck and did offer to come by but I was busy at the time. with man #4 😀

    then, fourth man friend wanted to come over to do laundry, pick up his old laptop, and catch up while working together at home (online work, etc). (he’s been trying to make plans with me for a wk). when he found out that my car wouldn’t start he offered to take me to the grocery store even though my list was far longer than his, and he helped with the baby, the groceries, the basket. He was lovely. I made him dinner. He shared his wine. and he is coming back tomorrow to pick up his last load of dry laundry and jump my car.

    so 4 men have come by my house and have been willing to help me out, wanting to hang out with me!

    and I’ve had three girlfriends asking me to come over!

    feelin goooooddddd i’m doing so well!

  297.  #297Silver-Tongued Siren on February 10, 2012 at 12:42 am

    oh yeah and another fb guy chatting me up multiple times this week. everytime i hear from him he is flattering me.

  298.  #298Butterfly Wings on February 10, 2012 at 2:09 am

    Hi everybody. It’s after 8pm here and TH and one of the guys from work are down in the man cave while I wait for dinner to cook (TH prepared it and put it in the oven).

    Had a good time at the pub and could tell my vibe was ok. A couple of guys from another department were commenting on how good I looked and how I sooo do not look 40! hehe!

    It felt good – and TH’s friend from work was standing right there when this was all being said! Ha!

    It feels kind of surreal right now. It’s like last night’s conversation never happened. He’s talking about stuff we’ve done, and it’s like we’ve been together for ages and nothing negative is going on. It is really weird.

    I’m still not happy that they’re going out without me later, but on the other hand I’m feeling a bit sleepy after the drinks I’ve had, so I am thinking I’ll be glad to have a sleep when they’re gone.

    Still feeling a strange sense of calmness – like I know deep deep down that everything’s going to be perfectly ok.


  299.  #299Silver-Tongued Siren on February 10, 2012 at 2:18 am

    Now, I have an important question.

    *********How do you say.. that you don’t want to have sex anymore (with a person you’ve been having sex with for years) Until you are married, or.. know that you are sexually exclusive… ?

    I am not positive I am going to say this, as I am gauging other things as well right now. But I am definitely considering it. I have already told MILW no sex unless he gets tested and lets me know he is only with me. I think sex has not helped me be clear about BF and MILW, and has possibly kept either of them from making a further decision also. (why buy the cow, etc).

    *********Secondly, I am curious about what BF really feels about me, and I think I may try to ask about it somehow. How do you all feel about that?

    If he doesn’t respond well, I suppose that will tell me something. 🙂

    And yes. I still love MILW but right now I’m feeling interested in what makes me feel good, I guess I’m curious what’s here and also feel good about the practice I am getting with all these men. So I want to see what saying these things feels like and what results it yields…..

    BF will be here tomorrow night at 9!

    I am feeling bored with where things are, and feel curious and want to know more!!!!

    Funny, because I have had such mixed feelings. Very up and down in general, and up and down about how I feel about BF. MILW has been the only person I have seen who has caught my interest more than BF before, and it seems that I occasionally (especially when having trouble with MILW) feel resentful of BF and feel closed off.
    Not so much lately, but little twinges here and there.

    I also notice that I had been feeling bored with him. I want him to take me to events and things I want to go to, or at least *try* to *plan* something for us to do.

    I really was starting to think I lost my feelings for him altogether after all this time, but lately have been feeling better about it, especially when comparing those things I *want* him to do, with the loving way he does treat me..

    lately things have felt a little “different” (in a good way) with him…… the way he looks at me, the way the energy feels…anyway I’m curious about these two questions.

    Also I’m the only Siren up at this hour. I need to go to bed. so much to do in the morning!

  300.  #300Butterfly Wings on February 10, 2012 at 2:38 am

    STS I feel a bit confused about your situation. Do you sleep with both of these men? Are you CDing both of them?

    I have a VERY strong boundary around exclusivity with TH. I made it clear VERY early on that while he was free to do what he wanted, I would not sleep with him if he was sleeping (or even kissing!) anybody else. He has honoured that boundary.

    My main reasons around this were partly health related (I didn’t know where whoever he was sleeping with had been) and also if he didn’t think I was enough to be exclusive with, then he should go and find somebody else and leave me to find somebody who was deserving of me.

    I’m not great at enforcing boundaries, but this one I have NO trouble enforcing, because I feel so strongly about it.

  301.  #301Aurora Girl on February 10, 2012 at 3:30 am

    204 Liz

    You’re welcome! what a great idea you brought into your class to help them understand!

    I have been using that song for a pick me up… music is amazing in how it reaches inside of us, past the verbal rational side to the heart!


  302.  #302Lizka on February 10, 2012 at 3:38 am

    I feel so tired because I didn’t have my 8 hours beauty sleep because I was affraid alone in the dark with the noises and the light under my door…

    That s*cks. I’m already seeing the bad morning I’m gonna have… How to avoid it?

    I’ll try to watch a funny show while I’m getting ready… At least..

  303.  #303Aurora Girl on February 10, 2012 at 3:40 am

    Good morning Chickies…

    Wow I am just looking at the Friday of a very challenging week for me…….I ‘ve had to deal with some tough parenting of my teenage son to keep him on the straight and narrow…..things you hope never happen that do…….totally have to step up to the plate and do the right thing…..totally hope that he gets the lesson….

    My Valentine and I both have sons around the same age….he has gone through this already though….but on a bigger scale…and I don’t want it to progress to that…..

    but I just want to share how open he’s been, how supportive he’s been of me and my son too…..he didn’t have to….he could have said….oh I’m not interested in this…..sorry……but he didn’t….he was with me the whole time….he came to see me just for a day to support me in person…and he has been on the phone and texting me steady to see if I’m ok. Of course I am….but the support has been unbelievable and unlike anything I’ve ever received from a man ever ever ever……

    I feel so blessed to have him in my life…..I”m so amazed at what love can do and how love can feel…

    ***~~~****~~~~ sharing……..the….vibe….


  304.  #304Aurora Girl on February 10, 2012 at 3:42 am

    Good morning (((Lizka)))!

    I want to give you a big hug to comfort you with all the noises and lack of sleep for last night. LOL I also didn’t get the siren sleep I usually do…….hoping to turn it around and leave it with the night as the sun rises…….

    ***good vibes to you~~~**~~~ this morning Chickie!!


  305.  #305Lizka on February 10, 2012 at 3:57 am

    Thank you Aurora! 🙂

  306.  #306Lizka on February 10, 2012 at 4:03 am

    I’m thinking that I should maybe start being more sireny with DjCD…

    Like I mean right now I don’t care about leaning forward 40% of the time, calling him in the middle of the night when I’m afraid, talking to him about my other dates, overfunctionning by picking up the bottle of vodka at the store, telling him he makes me feel good…

    I don’t care doing it right now because I see him as a friend-CD…

    But lately, I caught myself thinking of him more and more often… Maybe I’m starting feeling something that I don’t want to admit?

    So maybe I should start lean back before it’s too late… hummm that feels sad to think because I like having him there whenever I want too. He’s always in a good mood and always making me laugh…

    I think I’ll do it anyway… 🙁

  307.  #307Lizka on February 10, 2012 at 4:08 am

    I mean I don’t think I am in love with him… but maybe I shoud be more sireny… just in case…

    At least it’s gonna be a good practice…

  308.  #308Aurora Girl on February 10, 2012 at 4:38 am

    isn’t it great that we can shift our leaning forward to leaning back in an instant?

  309.  #309Lolita on February 10, 2012 at 4:49 am

    Sorry Sirens, I haven’t been much on the blog in the last few days, will catch up today.

    I feel very confused as M and I have made great and amazing progress this week. Was with him Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights. Yet I feel so scared in the pit of my stomach.

    I intend to let go of this fear.

    I deserve to be loved, cherished and married!

  310.  #310Lolita on February 10, 2012 at 4:52 am


    I told my man I will not sleep with him if he is dating/seeing other women. It seems to be working very well. He promised we are exclusive and that he would take down his match profile. He is making more and more plans to be with me now and is obviously trying to make me happy.

  311.  #311Lolita on February 10, 2012 at 4:56 am

    Aurora Girl,

    I feel for you with your teennage son situation. My older son has had some problems we were able to work through in the last 2 years. He is 18 now, but when he was 17 I had a very bad time.

    What really helped was being receptive to when he was open to communicating and having a supporting and accepting attitude.

  312.  #312Lolita on February 10, 2012 at 4:58 am

    BW @300,

    I have expressed the same boudary except I also included dating. I know it also means I accept to not date other men, but after 1 year in the relationship, I feel this is where we are.

  313.  #313Turquoise on February 10, 2012 at 4:59 am

    Lolita… I hate that feeling. I’m sorry you still feel upset. Maybe try to keep in mind that everything will be ok, no matter what. Hugs!

    STS, you could say that you aren’t looking for a roommate. That if you lived with him, you’d want it to be as a couple/family. You could also express that with being home with the baby, your limited financially, and ask how he feels about that.

    MILW feels toxic to me. He can’t guarantee he’ll be faithful? That is crap. I’d like to see you give BF a chance.

  314.  #314Butterfly Wings on February 10, 2012 at 5:02 am

    Lolita, it’s funny because TH doesn’t “date” other women as such although he has female friends. So I’ve not really had to enforce anything. I also know all of his friends and I know I have nothing to worry about there.

    He has said that I can do what I want, but I’m 100% positive that if I dated another man, he’d be really upset. And I just don’t need the complications, so I choose not to. My life is complicated enough without that!

  315.  #315Turquoise on February 10, 2012 at 5:03 am

    Lizka and AG, I love that we can switch to leaning back… and I like to mix it up.

    Sometimes I lean forward…. but in very small ways… experimenting with what feels good. I also like to lean back before I sense the need to. Feels like I’m surprising myself even with how I am handling things.

    Brenda, might be good practice to start with a part time job. Getting used to being up and out of the houes a few days a week… I find that the less free time I have, the more productive I am. When I have endless amounts of free time….. I procrastinate!!

    It’s hard getting back into the work force, but I know I felt so much better anout myself when I started earning a paycheck again! Good luck!
    I need to get ready for work, so glad it’s Friday!!!!

    Have a great day everyone!

  316.  #316Lolita on February 10, 2012 at 5:06 am

    Turquoise @271,

    Sounds like he wants to be around you and the girls! Be positive!

  317.  #317Butterfly Wings on February 10, 2012 at 5:07 am

    Friday is almost over for me – just under one hour to go!

    I think I’ll go get some sleep and wait for TH to come home and “make it up to me” as he promised…. 😉

  318.  #318Lolita on February 10, 2012 at 5:08 am

    BW @314,

    I hear you! I’m the same way. I choose not the date other men because I know deep down right now it would be a mistake. I strive to inspire him instead.

  319.  #319Butterfly Wings on February 10, 2012 at 5:12 am

    Yep Lolita! I choose to inspire him by leaning back and focusing on me.

    And he still seems a little surprised at how I am acting right now. But I’m not sure if my massive emotional pull back is a good thing or not. Could it be just me going into self protection mode?? I’m not sure. But right now I just feel calm. I am happy with calm. It beats devastated, sad, miserable and all of those…

  320.  #320Lizka on February 10, 2012 at 5:13 am

    Ok so yes. I’m going to leaning back mode with DjCD tok. Just in case… Hehe

    Lolita!! I’m so happy for you and M! Seems like everything’s gonna be alright! You go girl!!!!!

  321.  #321mali on February 10, 2012 at 5:14 am

    Day 19


    My gosh, I’m blown away by how incredible you are!

    Thankyou for bringing the hair products to me. Speed Dating was fun, even though I wasn’t that impressed (let’s face it, we know how awesome you’ve made me), but I still enjoyed the experience, and I still got free hair products, which I told you I needed!

    Thankyou for showing me just how aware you are of my thoughts. I couldn’t believe it when I bumped into Mo on Wednesday… I mean, if I hadn’t been late and been there at THAT time, I wouldn’t have seen him! And it was so good reconnecting with him. I’m glad he’s happy 🙂

    Thankyou for causing me to lose my ipod. I realised, after the initial sadness, that I’m truly unattached to many, many things… and at peace with what you will for me.

    Thankyou for helping me to FIND my ipod again! It reminded me of how you’re looking out for me! Love you!

    Thankyou for the cute man who chatted me up in my Student Union. I felt so sireny. And I’ve always wondered how it would feel to be approached by a man in a coffee shop… Now I know 😉

    My vibe is absolutely incredible, and I can feel that love in the air. It makes me smile. I’m taking all of this in whilst I’m sitting opposite MedCD. I’m picking up on this sense that he’s spiritual, and I love it! I love talking about spirituality! It just excites me that a person is so willing to express his vision for the future, and what’s shaped him as who he is. Wow. Feeling this connection and leaning back, knowing he’s mesmerised. And it’s such a great feeling!

    I’m eating with A, and I’m actually not too worried about dropping food all over me (as I usually do ;)), because for once this stuff isn’t too difficult to eat. But it tasted yummy. And I’m feeling safe and authentic, and really opening up and expressing my confusion and uncertainty, but my appreciation for who A is as a person. And I can see that my honesty, my willingness to be vulnerability is charming him and making him feel safe. I’m wowed by how amazingly true I’m being to myself, and allowing him to take the lead. I can see his hand extending towards me while I’m talking; I think it’s unconscious! well, if that wasn’t proof that I can use my feelings to draw a man in, then I don’t know what is.

    Universe, you’ve become my best friend. I’m sorry I didn’t realise your love for me beforehand, but that’s simply because I was scared, and thought I had to muddle through all the darkness, and that’s what was expected of me. But now I know better. And I completely, utterly trust you =)

    With all my love,
    Mali x

  322.  #322Lolita on February 10, 2012 at 5:32 am

    Hi Lizka,

    I’m sorry about your bad date the other night but things look very positive for you and ATW and DjCD.

    I think your text and call to ATW can be ok with the response he gave you and it was a great idea to ASK of you can call him and express some fears. It was a mix of leaning forward and back I think.

  323.  #323Lizka on February 10, 2012 at 5:35 am

    I feel weird admiting it but I thing I am feeling bored and turned off by ATW…

    It’s probably temporary, but it gives me some time to breath and easily lean back…

    If he’s not goin to step up more, I might stay permanently bored and turn off, who knows?

  324.  #324Francesca on February 10, 2012 at 5:35 am

    Good morning sirens!

    I had just snuggled into bed last night when my phone rang. It was a surprise call from my man.

    It felt good to hear his voice after three days.

    Also, it feels good to know that he’s slowly changing his habit of not calling me without me having to send him a text first.

  325.  #325Lizka on February 10, 2012 at 5:36 am

    How thank you Lolita. Yeah I feel the same about my call to ATW and i don’t regret doing it. 🙂

  326.  #326Francesca on February 10, 2012 at 5:38 am

    Pulling an 11-hour shift today, I expect lots of customers because of Valentine’s Day next week.

    Hoping to make a lot of money!

    Wish me luck!

  327.  #327Femininewoman on February 10, 2012 at 5:41 am

    STS – I believe he definitely will not respond well to this “Secondly, I am curious about what BF really feels about me, and I think I may try to ask about it somehow. How do you all feel about that?”

    Men don’t like discussing feelings and many times they can’t even find words to describe how they are feeling. Maybe “what he sees for you in the future” might be a better option.

  328.  #328VW on February 10, 2012 at 6:28 am

    LiliBee #259:

    I feel happy to hear you are going out and having fun 🙂 Dancing and CDs with men like crazy is my therapy through a breakup…:) and clubs and lounges are my spots…

    I used to get a guy’s number…I haven’t in a couple of years…for a reason, so I won’t be tempted to call…or be an excuse for him not to make contact first…

    It is Friday today, and he hasn’t made contact in almost a week right? I would just soak into my disappointment really deep (bring out u own fears and love them)…turn it into what I would have liked to happen and let it go…for the Universe to decided…express appreciation for the experience…

    On the other hand, I would also be open to make this experience a “trial and error”…kinda of thing…so, I might nonchalantly…send a txt saying something like “I feel very excited about the weekend…and oh my, this cocktail feels sooo yummy…hi, this is Lilibee btw ;)”

    The point is…make it about yourself…don’t ask him anything…and let it be…he is just practice at this point…:)

    And next time, I would not get a guy’s number…:)

    Hope you have lined up plans for the weekend!

    warm hugs,

  329.  #329Femininewoman on February 10, 2012 at 6:34 am

    RE 328 VW I feel intrigued by this interesting twist that you have suggested. I feel also curious. Would you mind telling me if it would be considered leaning forward based on what you have learned from Rori’s programs? I am just curious because I have not seen this before but I really like it because it is practice.

  330.  #330siren song on February 10, 2012 at 6:35 am

    I’m going to practice making 5 second eye contact today.

  331.  #331VW on February 10, 2012 at 6:47 am

    FW #329:

    I recall you said something about leaning fwd with men you want to practice, but you are not very interested in them is that right?

    Well, in my case…whether I am not interested in a guy or not…my ‘leaning forward’ is about me, me, me…lol…i sound like “Mad*onna”…

    So, if leaning forward is energy sent/given to a man and making it about him…my leaning forward…is a bit of leaning inward…of taking care of me…like “i need attention from a man, and my inner boy goes out and gets it”…and it is true is very tight up to your confidence level…the more confident I am…and absolutely unattached to an outcome (whether he responds or not)…the better the results…and the results…

    I don’t do it often…:)

    Most single men do that with us…is just we are taking them too serious too soon…because we place the eggs in one basket…

    now, if we spread the eggs…and go and check on the eggs once in while…we protect our investment …lol…okay, i am having fun here…

    I hope i answered your question…

    warm hugs,

  332.  #332LiliBee on February 10, 2012 at 6:48 am



    “on a mission to raise my vibe”.

    Yeah, that feels powerful! Go siren!

    Btw, in case you didn’t recognize me, I’m Lili 41.

  333.  #333Femininewoman on February 10, 2012 at 6:56 am

    You sure did VW. I actually used it with someone who sent an email to me just now. I was also on a site and someone contacted me on chat so I used it there too. He kept asking more questions but this is someone who has been tracking me for months but is too slow on the draw for me lol.

  334.  #334LiliBee on February 10, 2012 at 6:58 am



    I’m so happy to see you taking that route 🙂

    Learning and growing. You are strong on the inside and soft on the outside, a true siren.

  335.  #335VW on February 10, 2012 at 7:06 am

    That sounds wonderful FW 🙂

    The thing about my “leaning inward” (lol) or my boy asking for attention in a flirtitious way…if sent often…especially, with a man we want connect deeper…it would turn him off…annoy him…

    Also, making it about me when he initiates ….also annoys them…:( there appear to come up concerns about being a “narcissist”…lol not good…

    So, once in a while…beginning practice with a new guy…can be very good and fun…:) Building confidence about getting the response we want…

    I now, intuitively know when and how to do it…it is part of the seduction game…:) but to get here, there has been a lot of trial and error…lol

    warm hugs,

  336.  #336Femininewoman on February 10, 2012 at 7:13 am

    Thanks VW I just sent it to 3. One of them was a guy who kept saying he wanted me forever but wanted me to keep chasing him. Have not heard from him in about 2 weeks after he got angry. Another is a guy who kept calling right before going to work and making appt to call some time later. I have no investment in either of them so let’s see what happens. The 3rd is a guy who seemed controlling and wouldn’t listen just kept telling me what to do. Have heard from him in more than a month. hehe

  337.  #337Femininewoman on February 10, 2012 at 7:14 am

    No 1 just came back immediately saying “hi fw”

  338.  #338LiliBee on February 10, 2012 at 7:17 am


    Thanks VW!

    I am feeling less uptight about it.

    Right now, I just feel like going with the flow.

    This is Flowbruary 🙂

    I don’t even think I could be attached to the outcome even if I tried…after feeling so miserable at being disappointed for so long…I just want moment by moment, no more emotional draining and anxiety.
    I can do without that pressure, I’ve had enough of that.

  339.  #339VW on February 10, 2012 at 7:18 am

    oh and how i know “intuitively”? is knowing myself…recognizing my inner feelings…

    sometimes…i just know it is better to be “still”…like the “sense of urgency”…coming from a desire to “fix” something…(e.g., thoughts like “i did something wrong”…”i feel judged…, misunderstood…not good enough”…. and i think knowing/recognizing these feelings within ourselves is key to creating changes).

    these true feelings/core feelings are unfortunately covered up by “normal” society voices…sounding something like “how dare u? what’s his problem? what an asshole…what a bitc*ch…, etc…” thoughts which only perpetuate the circle of nightmare and recreating the same situations over and over and over…:)

  340.  #340VW on February 10, 2012 at 7:23 am

    “Hi” feels wonderful…:) I love when they do that…i respond back with a perfect mirror…:) including a smiley face…just so it is understood i am not upset…

    Gosh, off to work again…:(

    I admit i feel jealous I can’t interact on the blog during the day 🙁

    Maybe when I get my new phone in the summer…

    A fabulous day to u all Sirens 🙂

  341.  #341Femininewoman on February 10, 2012 at 7:24 am

    VW I have tell you that feels powerful. I am going to try it later with someone I am interested in also. I have been holding back because of the upcoming Valentine’s Day and telling myself stories about what he will think about my reaching out at this time. A couple days back I felt it was my intuition telling me to contact him. For some reason I felt deep down that there was some sadness also and I did not want to get sucked into my mothering vibe so I fought the feeling. Now that I have experimented here, especially with one I am positive wants me I am feeling really powerful. I was practically dying with laughter after I sent it. I felt playful.

  342.  #342LiliBee on February 10, 2012 at 7:26 am

    Will be rekindling a good friendship very soon. Yey!

    I had lost touch with a very close friend 2 years ago.
    We haven’t seen or talked to each other in 2 years.

    She sent me a message on FB when she saw my status change.
    She said she would really love to go to dinner with me soon and talk.
    She was such a loyal and devoted friend to me.
    She’s the kinda friend who I could just go crashing at her house when I felt lonely, fall asleep on the sofa, and she would just cover me w a blanket and leave me there.
    She also came to spend a weekend at my house when her marriage fell apart.

    I have friends who just want to see me to have an “activities” or outting buddy, but true close friends like “sisters” are rare to find.

    I feel so warm and excited to see her again 🙂

  343.  #343Femininewoman on February 10, 2012 at 7:43 am

    VW he called and admitted that he has been thinking of me this whole time. Now he is insistent that we see each other tonite. I can feel his vibe pulling on me. I told him let me think about it he said he will call back in an hour. Wow. He also complained about me removing him from my favorites. I tried to explain that I usually do that when there is no contact for a while but he insists it was childish.

  344.  #344VW on February 10, 2012 at 7:49 am

    Yay FW! Soo awesome isn’t? I would encourage you to take a minute and immortalize the feelings that lead you to your intuition to reach out …:)

    i use it often to get my beat up (vibe/energy) by reconnecting to that memory (juicy feeling)…

    I love it when Sirens are playful and having fun…joyful fun being Sirens…:)

    warm hugs,

  345.  #345Peaches on February 10, 2012 at 7:59 am

    Hello Sirens

    Haven’t been here to post, but have been reading…so many stories, it’s riveting 🙂

    Reporting in:

    Day 15 now (where I am) with no contact
    I did not text or email or call or drive by
    I did not talk at length to anyone about it this last week ( I didn’t really the week before either now I think about it)

    Its killing me. I miss him so much, I feel lonely, and I’m alone (I know these two things are different). I wonder about his little boy and thought about him a lot today – he loves me, and I’m attached to him (much to my surprise that could happen).

    I’d rather be coming home from work every day to a house thats warm, with someone who loves me truly madly deeply, rather than a dark empty house……..

    And its Valentines day soon. I bet he’s firmly wrapped up with New Woman…..and yet, several times this week and especially yesteday I felt his vibe and his thoughts….(we’ve always had this).

    I wish I could fast forward six months…..

    LiliBee…gosh you’re amazing 🙂

  346.  #346siren song on February 10, 2012 at 8:03 am

    it’s sooooo cold today. i’m warming up with a space heater. it feels comforting.

  347.  #347lk on February 10, 2012 at 8:05 am

    since CDcd doesn’t have a mobile phone, just a landline, & i know that i’m annoying on email (both overly verbose lol & indefinitely m.i.a. in maddening, senseless alteration)…. so sometimes i just ” tele-txt ” him, like, ” hi : ) i’m having chicken enchildadas for breakfast : ) yum : ))) love you baby have a good day ! ”

    & it takes me zero time & i don’t annoy anyone & i can do it while i’m doing something else, without taking out my phone…. & it’s free & … & then i didn’t actually say that. lol especially today because he’s all Mad at me sort of or something. that’s ok. he’s sweet. i don’t care but i did wish for a little more Pretty lk talk as i was feeling a little Buggy. bug-like ? insect-ish ? that.

    i bit my teeth for the first time in… 3 months… ? i’m pms-ing – extra pill-induced hormonal as well, just for fun lol – & also 36 hours with no cigarette, which is just about the peak moment for pain lol

    & also, when i was getting ready for work, CD goes, ” your skirt needs to be ironed ” like… ok, thanks, jerk. lol. & i was already a little late & stressed…

    so i changed & put on this tiny winter dress with a cowl neck – it’s heavy knit in cream & very short & tight & seriously dreamy – & put on this really sexy belt my mom lent me & he was like, “wow, that’s really great” & i go, “it is” (just because the dress is fabulous – not talking about Me In The Dress lol) & he got a bit touchy at that i think, not being Allowed to Compliment me maybe ? & then i go, ” i’m going to wear the short boots. the short boots, right ? ” & he goes, “definitely the short boots, don’t wear your big boots” & i go, “don’t tell me what to do” LOL classic “girl” that shxt is hilarious.

  348.  #348Femininewoman on February 10, 2012 at 8:09 am

    Now I got two responses. One who kept saying you are off the market responded asking “what are you referring to:. I said to myself and my feelings.

    The one who called sent another text “I would love to see you later”. My response “ooohh that feels exciting”.

  349.  #349Peaches on February 10, 2012 at 8:10 am

    I want to cry now …..I feel anger, and sadness

    I am angry at him, and myself. What could I have done differently?
    And I’m so so sad….10 years seems a lot to throw away, to be lost too. I’ve always wanted a man who would love me truly and be a witness to my life. he was a witness to my life, as I was to his, and there was our life. maybe he didn’t love me truly, but I did him, and still do. i feel like whatever happens, i always will.

    This is sad for me:(
    So sad.

  350.  #350Femininewoman on February 10, 2012 at 8:28 am


  351.  #351Femininewoman on February 10, 2012 at 8:29 am


  352.  #352Femininewoman on February 10, 2012 at 8:29 am



  353.  #353Brenda on February 10, 2012 at 8:33 am


    RE: #315 – I don’t need to transition to working full time. I have been in depression and am pulling back out.

  354.  #354Peaches on February 10, 2012 at 8:36 am

    aww thanks FW…that feels so nice 🙂

  355.  #355Femininewoman on February 10, 2012 at 8:38 am

    Peaches do you have any memories that can help you lift your vibe? Maybe some pictures of a vacation to see how you felt when you were enjoying yourself?

  356.  #356lk on February 10, 2012 at 8:52 am

    wow i had a bizarre fear this project would take me All Day lol or even that i wouldn’t get it done. i’m going to be done by 10: 30 : )))) that’s the Morning still ! lol go lk ! gg baby

  357.  #357Mel on February 10, 2012 at 8:54 am

    I am feeling both proud of myself and also cognizant that I still have a little bit of work to do regarding feelings of jealousy.

    I had a friend visit me yesterday. She met my Mr. A and she is such a SIREN! Surprisingly it didn’t bother me one bit to see her flirting with him. In fact I sort of started to flirt with HER myself. Just for fun. I think this drove Mr. A, a hot-blooded male, a little crazy frankly. 😉

    He invited us to come over in the evening, if we felt like it and offered for us both to stay over so we wouldn’t have to drive back (totally innocent, I know what you’re thinking… his kids were home). Just to be cute, she said “Tell him that I’ll stay and you can go home.”

    So I did just that… He responded “Naughty, naughty… but I must decline her invitation.” Good boy.

    He was looking lustfully at me all evening… I know what he was likely thinking… and again this didn’t bother me. All in good fun.

    But then I got a text from him this morning asking if the two of us enjoyed our morning together. then he said “She’s such a sweetheart!!” and THIS is what made me feel jealous. TWO exclamation marks? Dude, I KNOW she’s a sweetheart… you don’t need to tell me that. And now I feel all jealous and like he wants to *F* her and kinda like a silly girl. Over one comment… funny, silly jealous girl.

    Deciding how to say I’ feel jealous…. or maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll just notice it and really feel it and tell it to go back from whence it came. I dunno.

  358.  #358Peaches on February 10, 2012 at 8:56 am

    FW..yes, but….every time we went away, he left me when we got back because each time, apparently I did something that upset him. Instead of bringing it up straight away, he would wait until we were back home and them email me.

    I know that he did the same thing with the next woman (the one he had the child with)…patterns, patterns, everywhere…

    Thanks for the idea – I will try that and i also know I should sleep now. Its almost 3 am here, and I’m sure he’s not awake grieving for us or missing me…

    Thanks for replying to me – I appreciate you 🙂

    I’ll be back here tomorrow, and hopefully will feel a tad better.

    good night, wherever you are and thanks again 🙂

  359.  #359Femininewoman on February 10, 2012 at 9:00 am

    Peaches to me it is more than just a pattern. He is showing you, the world whoever, that this is the type of relationship he wants. Maybe he is not in a place mentally/emotionally where he wants more as yet. The question is, is this the type of casual relationship you want in your life?

  360.  #360Femininewoman on February 10, 2012 at 9:08 am

    Mel this story is triggering for me because I have had a close girlfriend took a guy from under my nose. She told me she was interested in him and I nonchalantly introduced them because I had the “I don’t care attitude”. I was assuming that he liked me enoug. Long story short I guess she was more of a siren than I was at the time. When things got difficult she just disappeared on him and he tracked her down and married her. I remember once talking to him on the phone where he was inviting me out and when I asked why he wanted me to go with him he started comparing the two of us. Not a very pretty memory. In any event I would suggest not taking your feelings of jealousy lightly as there might be a lesson here. I understand that all men look at women in a sexual way but as sisters I believe we should honor each others relationships. Now I am remembering one blood sister taking a guy away from her own sister and moving out of state and getting married while pregnant with his baby. Sorry Mel but I am majorly triggered by this. I did not even realize this was flying under my radar. Thanks for bringing this up for me to heal. A reminder to myself to pay attention to my intuition and be willing to speak up for myself.

  361.  #361Femininewoman on February 10, 2012 at 9:12 am

    Feel it Mel. Maybe acknowledge that she is a sweetheart but also acknowledge that you know he is a loyal, honorable man who will respect your relationship with him.

  362.  #362Tiffany on February 10, 2012 at 9:16 am

    Peaches – Hugs from me, too. ((peaches))

  363.  #363Lolita on February 10, 2012 at 9:18 am

    Everything is gonna be alright.

    Everything IS alright.

  364.  #364lk on February 10, 2012 at 9:26 am


    wow i really love to practice sharing my triggers… but it can also feel so amazing to get triggered & to just smile at the person & say, ” wow, thank you! ” & just hold the wave inside you & feel it swell, crash, recede

  365.  #365Tiffany on February 10, 2012 at 9:29 am

    This morning I feel kind of “Meh” about K.

    I realize I kind of had this deadline in my mind. Like, he said he had a conference for 2 weeks, so therefore, he should be contacting me in about 2 weeks. (And he didn’t tell me what the conference was for, either:( Now the 2 weeks is almost over. And this weekend is my dance performance, and that’s a big deal for me, even though, in the long run, it’s a pretty small event. It would sure mean a lot to me if someone who cared for me was there to watch me and support me.

    And now that he’s dropped off the face of the earth, I don’t really know what to think or where to go, or what to do. So I’m doing nothing. But I basically don’t feel good about that, either. Because I know he *will* contact me, eventually. And then when he does, how am I going to feel? I am going to feel angry and left out and abandoned that he wasn’t there – yet I did nothing to do anything about that. I didn’t invite him. I didn’t tell him about it. I didn’t tell him that I wanted him to be there. But I’m not telling him, because I am afraid of his rejection. I am afraid of him telling me that he won’t be there. And that makes me feel needy.

    Maybe my “not caring” is inauthentic. But at the same time, when I haven’t heard from a guy in a while, I begin to feel bored. he may be taking all the time he needs, but meanwhile, my life is continuing. I have to do *something.* I can’t just sit idly by while he “makes up his mind” about what he wants. That would be ridiculous!

    I really am “dealine-oriented” aren’t I?

    Today is the deadline (literally) for me to put names on the guest list for my dance performance. I probably don’t even have TIME to contact him, never mind wait for a response. And even if he did want to come, he probably wouldn’t even decide that until the last minute (as he’s done in the past – and it drives me crazy).

    All of this is so challenging. I have real events that happen in real time. And I want something to go alone with those events. But he has his own timeline. I’m wondering if letting a guy have control of the timeline is really the best idea. Now, stick with me here….I know it’s best not to “rush it” or “push” the guys into “our” timeline. Our time line is not necessarily the best in the world, either. But on the other hand, if a guy is NOT synchronizing with our life, and the events that are happening in it, how can we even imagine that we can have a relationship with him?

    In fact, it seems to me that the imaginary relationship here is not in my mind – it’s in his. I don’t *see* a relationship. It’s just that every time he shows up, he acts like there is one. Whereas no relationship has ever been proposed or agreed to.

    So that’s why I feel caught in the middle, with nowhere to stand. At least not in this context.

    And I need to remember NOT to cater to the “imaginary relationship” that he concocts. Because, until it’s a REAL relationship, it is just that – imaginary. And it’s nothing.

    I wonder if I could do this, though? As a friend – invite him as a friend. And make it clear that this is a FRIENDLY invitation, and that there are no expectations whatsoever of anything more.

    If I did that, then at least I would feel as if I had let my true intentions and my feelings be known (it’s not that I want a relationship – I just would really like him to be there to see me dance! ). I wouldn’t regret not saying anything. And if he says no, fine. But I won’t be putting pressure on him for anything more, leaving room for him to give as he wants to and to show up in whatever way feels good to him.

    Thoughts on that? I think that solution feels good to me. But I’m going to let that settle for a while, while I think/not think about it. It still may be to “do-ey” for me. But then again, I can’t deny by type-A personality all it’s joy, now, can I?

    We’ll see…..

  366.  #366Brenda on February 10, 2012 at 9:30 am


    RE: #357 – What I see is you enjoyed the fun and flirting like a confident, mature Siren all evening. I see his comment being a continuation of the fun and flirting in a harmless way. He was telling YOU she is a sweetheart. That means he trusts you, and he is doing nothing behind your back.

    If it were me, I’d say something flirty back in a teasing way like, “Oooh, now I’m REALLY jeaalousss!”

  367.  #367Mel on February 10, 2012 at 9:42 am

    Unfortunately, now I feel kinda worse. Even more triggered.

  368.  #368Brenda on February 10, 2012 at 9:47 am


    RE: #360 – Ouch! That must have felt awful to go through! I do not try to minimize the pain of going thru such a horrible thing. Yet I still see it like this: if you had been me, I would still have found out before I married a man than after that I wasn’t “it” for him.

    That had to have been a blow to your self-esteem, yet I have cum full circle on my man with other women. I have a grudging admiration for Ryan’s style. I know for a fact that part of his strategy in finding a wife is to set her free for at least a year after she falls in love with him. Then she is free to end up with another man, if he didn’t mean that much to her.

    I have had deep discussions with him and I heard thru the grapevine that this is so. Cruel, yes? Yes. It has been among the most painful things I have ever gone thru (yes, I realize you all believe that he has no intentions toward me).

    But he won’t even marry a woman until he knows beyond all doubt that he is IT for her. Because he has no patience or understanding whatsoever for cheating. No three strikes and you’re out. A woman is either all in or all out with him.

    I continue to think his methods are severe and yes, WRONG. But his end result is a VERY devoted woman.

    The take-away for me here as a woman is to allow a man freedom and space, and plenty of it, BEFORE I marry him. If he goes, then it was not meant to be. Just like that saying, “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.”

    For me, this is especially important for two major reasons:

    1. Let’s face it, I’m an obese, middle aged woman. Ryan is a young, handsome man. And if we were to become committed this month, I would trust him with my entire heart. Because I know him.

    2. I aim to be in full time ministry as a team with my future husband. By nature, men in ministry are around quite a few women in deep conversation, comparable to a relationship coach like Evan or Jonathon. I feel like I can 100% trust Ryan to not get in a compromising situation with another woman.

    Ryan enjoys nude art. Instead of letting myself be threatened by that, I suggest that he bring his books with him when we date so we can look at them together. He looked shocked the first time I suggested that!

    So it really is all about trust and knowing that you know that you two are bonded for life.

    What do you think/feel?

    Hugs, Brenda

  369.  #369Brenda on February 10, 2012 at 9:52 am

    Mel and FW,

    I forget which relationship coach (CC or RR) said that it is actually attractive to a man to know his woman is jealous! So they encouraged women to not hold back on that feeling!

  370.  #370Brenda on February 10, 2012 at 9:54 am


    RE: #364 – “wow i really love to practice sharing my triggers… but it can also feel so amazing to get triggered & to just smile at the person & say, ” wow, thank you! ” & just hold the wave inside you & feel it swell, crash, recede”

    Ooh, I like this! At moments like that, I tell myself with my boy energy, “SWALLOW IT! SWALLOW IT!” But your description of the crashing waves inside is perfecto!

  371.  #371Tiffany on February 10, 2012 at 9:55 am

    Correction: something to go *along* with those events.

    Freudian slip, maybe….

  372.  #372Mel on February 10, 2012 at 10:02 am

    “He was looking lustfully at ME all evening”

    yes, yes… lustfully at me. Maybe he was turned-on by my sireny-awesomeness!

    Who cares if he used two exclamation points. I get the semicolons. And he KNOWS how much those drive me wild. I’d take a semicolon any day!!

  373.  #373CurvySiren10 on February 10, 2012 at 10:04 am


    “I forget which relationship coach (CC or RR) said that it is actually attractive to a man to know his woman is jealous! So they encouraged women to not hold back on that feeling!”

    Not my man! He has recently told me it pushes him away if I display any type of jealousy toward other women. He sees it as a sign of insecurity/lack of confidence…which he finds VERY unattractive. This is really hard for me. I am naturally (like most women) pretty jealous. I have to heal/work on this.

  374.  #374FlowerChild77 on February 10, 2012 at 10:23 am

    Brenda…I am relieved to hear that you don’t feel you have any reason to seriously ‘fear’ Kenny. I didn’t mean to be nosey…I was just responding to what you’d posted.

    I’m sorry to hear that your job interview didn’t turn out. I’ll be remembering you in my prayer/meditation concerning your finances and unemployment, etc. I know how hard it can be to have money worries.

  375.  #375FlowerChild77 on February 10, 2012 at 10:29 am

    CurvySiren10…How do you act when you feel jealous? How do you let him know?

    I think it makes a huge difference to men in HOW we handle our feelings.

  376.  #376Aurora Girl on February 10, 2012 at 10:32 am

    Mel and FW

    how about this response….

    “of course she’s a sweetheart!! ….all my friends are! That’s the kind of friends I attract….good, solid people…..I feel blessed that these people are in my life……and I feel blessed that you are too Mr. A” what do you think? ”


  377.  #377Aurora Girl on February 10, 2012 at 10:39 am

    311 Lolita

    thanks for those thoughts…yep he’s 17 1/2 and over all a good guy but this past week I learned that he’s been up to some not good stuff with his best buddy and he’d been hiding it, breaking rules, and taking risks….

    I am not one to over react or be reactive….was spending a lot of energy trying to strategize to do exactly what you mentioned….open communication…but also getting to the behaviour and consequences……hopefully nailing this right here and right now. Thankfully my Valentine was so supportive and my son’s buddy’s parents are on the same page of me…….so was his father (my ex husband) …………..oh parenting is so challenging and brings up unexpected ways for me to grow…..

    fingers crossed and sending myself good vibes lol



  378.  #378lk on February 10, 2012 at 10:40 am


    i agree with FW… cd thinks it’s “cute” & “flattering” when i say i’m feeling jealous : ) & i like to hear when he’s jealous with me too ! it’s affirmation of attraction & attachment : ) yummy… there are Sweet ways to be jealous (positive thoughts about your Man – the desire to “keep” him) & Sour ways (negative thoughts about yourself, your man, & other women)

  379.  #379CurvySiren10 on February 10, 2012 at 10:41 am

    FC, thanks for your response. I usually joke around about it. We have had a lot of discussion about how women can be “catty” when it comes to other women when they feel threatened. I really want/need to learn how to control this. I’d love to hear more of your thoughts. I don’t want to “push him away” with this behavior. He is excellent about telling me when something bothers him, so I have the information. Now..what to do with it…Sigh.

  380.  #380Brenda on February 10, 2012 at 10:51 am


    RE: #373 – “Not my man! He has recently told me it pushes him away if I display any type of jealousy toward other women. He sees it as a sign of insecurity/lack of confidence…which he finds VERY unattractive. This is really hard for me. I am naturally (like most women) pretty jealous. I have to heal/work on this.”

    I don’t mean ACTING on our jealousy. I mean stating it in a feeling message, even if seriously, “I felt kind of jealous.” That is something that is very genuine to a man. To get snooty or angry and stomp out of the room is something entirely different, know what I mean?

  381.  #381Brenda on February 10, 2012 at 10:54 am


    RE: #374 – Thank you! I just talked with Kenny a half hour, and he was his loving self, the self I love. And I remember why I keep his friendship. It is not all bad. He genuinely loves me and cares for me.

    Yes, stressing out about money and trying to think here. I have 1/8 tank of gas and $2 to cover me for the next two weeks.

  382.  #382Brenda on February 10, 2012 at 10:55 am

    Aurora Girl,

    RE: #376 – “of course she’s a sweetheart!! ….all my friends are! That’s the kind of friends I attract….good, solid people…..I feel blessed that these people are in my life……and I feel blessed that you are too Mr. A” what do you think? ”

    Perfect! I love it!

  383.  #383Megan on February 10, 2012 at 10:58 am

    I am going to try this again because the last post was moving too fast. rather than leaving the link, I just copied and pasted my orig comment from the post “don’t walk on eggshells”

    here it is:

    I have been dating a guy who seems incapable of communication. I do not know if it is 100% him and un-fixable through changing my behavior or if I am not communicating well either and it is more like 70/30.

    I have tried various techniques, unfortunately at the time I was in a place where internet access was very $$ so I had to pull bits and pieces off the blog at a time and try to work with what I had.

    The situation feels maddening as this guy can be the SWEETEST, most loving and supportive guy but when I find myself releasing steam or talking to him about people that have disappointed me (and not strangers, I mean my family and close friends)

    The most I will get is 1 line, “yeah, that’s really bad” but he literally REFUSES to go further.
    he says it’s pointless or counter-productive or worse, that he doesn’t want to just “slag these people off”- which is maddening for me to hear.

    I’ve tried explaining that this is not what I want either, that it’s about me, not them, that I feel a void, I feel hurt (by them), etc.
    I don’t know why it’s so hard for him to acknowledge my feelings and offer his support.

    Sometimes I wonder if him acknowledging the lack of support I receive makes him feel bad, guilty, or less-of-a-man for all the support he receives?

    If anyone has any ideas/suggestions as to what might be going on, I’d really, really be interested and grateful. I have scowered the blog and am left only with questions marks and heartache.

  384.  #384lk on February 10, 2012 at 11:00 am


    are you in the States ? i feel curious about where you live

  385.  #385Aurora Girl on February 10, 2012 at 11:02 am

    Hi Megan

    If you were the director in this play and you could script what you’d like him to say to you in those moments….what would it sound like…what would you want him to say to you?

  386.  #386Brenda on February 10, 2012 at 11:03 am

    Aurora Girl,

    RE: #377 – “yep he’s 17 1/2 and over all a good guy ”

    Whaaaa??!! Lucky woman!!!!

  387.  #387Silver-Tongued Siren on February 10, 2012 at 11:04 am

    wow already at least 80 posts this morning.

    300 – BW/Lolita

    I HAVE slept with both of them before. I have been consistently with MILW as he has been my partner in a relationship. But have been with BF previous to relationship with MILW as well as during: when MILW slept with someone else and I left him, and when he has not been very committed to me for example this NYE went out of town, slept with same person he cheated on me 1 yr ago with, and has been “wanting space”, is not staying at home, is not wanting me as his life partner anymore/wanting
    to not be sexually exclusive with me now.

    I told MILW no more sex unless it’s exclusive (as it had been before) (esp since he has been at a friends house the last 3 wks!) and have been having sex with BF the last few times he’s visited.

    But BF and I have a long history of seeing each other even while he lived out of state for years, without a committed relationship. We had sex whenever he came to visit me while he was visiting his family in another town a few times a year. When out of state, (though he kept it from my ears for the longest time), I know he had girlfriends and dated other people. And I had my own things going on too. By no means were we in any kind of relationship, even though at times we talked every day.

    I know I have mentioned things about this boundary of exclusivity before but can’t remember what, and it wasn’t a concern at the time as we didn’t obviously want to be in a rlsp at the time, life had us in very different places.

    But now I am interested in making sure if we ARE going to be having sex regularly that it is exclusive… or maybe just not having sex?

    As I love having sex, I’m also interested in my relationships with BF and MILW making progress in a positive direction, whatever I decide that is. So I am thinking about not having sex at all without a commitment. (and I’m not trying to spur on a commitment, either, but may find myself open to the idea. I just want to see how I feel with these men, what our current state is, and maybe eliminate things that have kept us from making progress. I am just feeling things out right now).

    Thinking about actually communicating these things seems uncomfortable to me at the moment.

    Because I LIKE to have sex.
    And I have already been feeling so up and down emotionally – because of MILW. Sex makes me feel better.

    And also, I am curious where things are at with both people.
    Particularly BF since I am not clear on his feelings –
    So I want to find out how he feels.

    I have been wondering if we have a sort of unspoken committment? …and if saying “I don’t want to have sex unless we are exclusive/committed” will cause him to feel pressured?

    I want the spoken reassurance that I can feel safe.

    with whomever. I guess I am sort of open to exploring what BF is feeling or wanting with me, right now.

    I guess you can say that yes I am CDing both of these men, since I see them both very regularly, and have been in a rlsp with MILW even though currently he is out playing.

    In fact, I wouldn’t even call MILW a CD right now, more like a snack bag, or “on my horse while I keep riding”. lol. He wants me, (but is not home taking care of us right now!). I have other men who love me too. If MILW wants his family, he better come get us fast!!

    I am just seeing how I feel about things right now in general, upping my self-esteem and confidence, practicing receiving, practicing sharing my feelings… etc. feeling things out…

  388.  #388CurvySiren10 on February 10, 2012 at 11:05 am

    Thanks Brenda.

    I have never stomped or been angry about it. But he knows me SO well and reads me frighteningly well. He can sense it in me. I know he’s right. It IS insecurity that provokes jealousy in me. And I actually feel pretty secure with him at the moment. But we’ve been through the mill over the past 2 years and I think it’s residual.

    But knowing this about him now arms with me information. I need to heal this in ME in order to not “push him away”, which is the last thing I wanna do.

    I welcome all ideas/thoughts on this subject.

  389.  #389Brenda on February 10, 2012 at 11:06 am

    LK, Mel, and FW,

    The one time I said it with Ryan, I did it like this:

    I hung my head, got an embarrassed smile, and said very softly, “I feel jealous.”

    He said with a light laugh, “What?! You feel jealous?!” Then he got the cutest smile on his face, like he was really enjoying a woman liking him that much to feel jealous over him!

  390.  #390Aurora Girl on February 10, 2012 at 11:06 am

    386 Brenda

    yep….it’s in the eye of the beholder…and as his mom, no matter what he does….I always want to behold him as a good young man….

    beside it’s better than pulling out my hair!!!! lol

  391.  #391lk on February 10, 2012 at 11:06 am


    i feel curious about how you express your disappointment in others…. would you feel safe giving an example ?

  392.  #392Brenda on February 10, 2012 at 11:12 am


    RE: #383 – Welcome! I don’t feel clear on what the situation is when he won’t express compassion.

    In general, men have a hard time expressing emotions. Just to give you an idea, the other night, my Mom and I were in the dayroom at the nursing home where she lives when a visiting man came in, leaned his head against the windowsill, and was in obvious distress.

    He lightly stomped his foot on the floor off and on, looked up then looked down off and on, and made sounds like, “Mmmm! Aaaah!”

    After about 5 minutes when he finally turned around, his face looked normal. My Mom said, “Are you all right?” He said, “Yes, I’m fine.” Later we found out he just found out that his mother was dying. 🙁

  393.  #393Brenda on February 10, 2012 at 11:13 am


    RE: #384 – I live near Pennsylvania. Where are you?

  394.  #394Femininewoman on February 10, 2012 at 11:14 am

    Mel it could even be responded to in a playful way. Agree that she is cute or whatever and let him know that makes you jealous but at the same time feel silly or whatever thinking about that knowing that you are a the hot sexy siren that has the power to turn him. I am thinking bringing it back to you here and letting him know that you love yourself. No competition necessary.

  395.  #395lk on February 10, 2012 at 11:15 am


    i live in colorado, but i used to live in new hampshire : )

  396.  #396Jilly on February 10, 2012 at 11:17 am

    Brenda…how freaking cute are you??! 🙂 just picturing you saying you feel jealous that way makes me want to hug you 🙂

    just goes to show how when we keep our energy within our “personal space?” instead of reaching out to him how much in changes things…

    last night at school a girl was “complaining” about her man…and then she went really silent and her face turned red and she just stood there…she was FIGHTING sooo many emotions and felt super uncomfortable….she said she didn’t want to feel like a complainer..anyway..she just stood there and looked soo vulnerable it felt mesmerizing to observe…because I felt like that’s how a man sees us when we express ourselves without expecting him to DO anything…

    I feels amazing to see and recognize these moments 🙂

  397.  #397lk on February 10, 2012 at 11:18 am


    i might say

    awww isn’t she?? i have the most lovely friends : ) though i do feel a wee bit jealous hearing my man say such nice things about other women! : )))

  398.  #398Jilly on February 10, 2012 at 11:20 am

    I hope that made sense… 🙂

  399.  #399Silver-Tongued Siren on February 10, 2012 at 11:21 am

    Mel.. this post about your man and you flirting with this other woman .. I feel uncomfortable reading. Maybe because of past experiences, … it seems that even if it’s Just In Fun at first, it triggers thoughts and imaginations that can carry it further. Your mind is the most powerful thing – As a Man Thinketh, So Is He.

    … Maybe it is nothing and I would definitely constantly develop and trust your intuition, but I think most often it’s best to not facilitate interactions like this..

    it’s just asking for trouble. …

    I would have been unhappy with the comment you received via text later from him about your friend, also. ….

    I am not really sure how I would express myself to him, what I would say or do..

    perhaps it’s nothing and you can let it blow over, but I would definitely lean back and be your Siren self for sure. Pretty much when ever in doubt, leaning back always feels good to me.


  400.  #400turquoise on February 10, 2012 at 11:28 am

    Hi Sirens! I’m all done with my work and have 30 min. left to my day, so going to get caught up on the blog and then make a quick stop at Target before going home. It’s going to snow 4″ tonight! 🙂

  401.  #401Jilly on February 10, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Rugby man has been in contact all week 🙂 he is on his way home today..yay…I feel excited..

    I’ve been using feeling messages…and he is responding very warmly…I love having that knowing that he’s probably never experienced connecting quite like this before 🙂

    we were talking about snuggling and I shared that it made me feel soft warm and melty…(that’s one of my favorites in the beginning) then he said that they told him he might have to work over the weekend and that it lit a fire under him and he did a 2-3 day assignment in 7 hours just so he could come home 🙂 I feel smiley 🙂

  402.  #402Brenda on February 10, 2012 at 11:30 am


    RE: #388 – That sounds like healthy self-awareness about your own insecurity. Rori is right – this “stuff” that comes up with a man is not about him. It’s about us.

    For me, I had a lot of opportunity to work thru jealousy and think it thru when I was with Kenny. He took me to a level of relationship that I had never imagined. It wasn’t all moral, I admit, but he welcomed me to have sex with other men as long as he was locked up (when we were a couple and married). He said he has seen relationships come and go in prison, because women couldn’t stand not having sex. They would eventually “cheat” on him, and then feel guilty, and then tell him.

    The man would feel outrageously jealous and end the relationship. Then they would be single the rest of their time doing time.

    So Kenny thought it thru and that is why he welcomed me to have sex with other men. He said he wants me to be happy and content until he could be free to come home and keep me happy and content.

    Years into our relationship, he admitted that at first he was VERY jealous and insecure, afraid that I would find another man. But one of our “rules” is that I would tell him about each encounter, so I was never “cheating” behind his back. I know this is all very out of the ordinary. I feel embarrassed and vulnerable sharing it. And he would be livid if he knew I was.

    But the end result is that we have a very trusting friendship, and that trust has kept us solid thru a lot of tuff situation that would have left the average married couple broken up many times over.

    He is far from perfect, but I see this as a strength with him: he has maturity and I can talk to him literally about ANYTHING on a sexual level. It has been very healthy for me to be so open with a man. It has cultivated deep emotional intimacy between us in that area.

    I don’t feel proud of myself for having sex with other men. So believe me, I’m not condoning it. But what I am saying is that there are many different levels relationships can have outside of what is socially known and accepted.

    What it all really comes down to is trust and self-confidence. I take all that, and when I relate to Ryan, I take on Kenny’s attitude in some ways, in the healthy ways. I see Ryan as he is: a handsome, intelligent, young man who has had the misfortune of mental illness, or schizophrenia. As a result, women are not attracted to him.

    I fully expect Ryan to have complete healing and freedom from that illness, and so I fully expect that the day will come when women ARE attracted to him. But I have faith in him and enough confidence in me that by then we will be so bonded that it will not go anywhere.

    I am well aware that my body is not beautiful as it once was in my 20s and 30s. I fully intend to get back to my right weight, but even when I do, I will have saggy skin. Gravity has taken its toll over time. So I am aware and accept that Ryan still has all the urges and feelings of any young man, and he craves the sight of a shapely female body. If he chooses me, he will be choosing to sacrifice the delight of ever TOUCHING a shapely female body. And I am aware that that is difficult for him.

    So I am willing to compromise to the point of embracing his enjoyment of nude art. If he ever asked for a threesome, I would soundly say no. That would be going too far for me. And he knows where I stand, because we have discussed it. That is how I knew directly that he was struggling with it.

    The good news for me is that I know for a fact that when I lose weight, my body WILL be desirable, albeit not perfect. I have been slender, and I know I have the figure of a model, a perfect hourglass. It’s the saggy skin that will be unattractive. I hope and pray that by then I will be able to afford cosmetic surgery to have a titty lift and baggy skin removed. That would be wonderful.

    What do you think/feel?

  403.  #403Starla on February 10, 2012 at 11:31 am

    278 Brenda
    Maybe you should look in the glossary for definition of imaginary relationship.

  404.  #404Brenda on February 10, 2012 at 11:32 am

    Aurora Girl,

    RE: #390 – LOL, I knew you weren’t talking about the size of his manhood…but I was playing like you were! Hehehee! Brenda likes to tease! 😆

  405.  #405Jilly on February 10, 2012 at 11:32 am

    ewww…i feel weird saying he responded warmly lol…I’m responding warmly to him!!

  406.  #406Goodheart on February 10, 2012 at 11:36 am

    Mel, your gf saying what she did, “tell him you can leave & I’ll stay” made me feel ick. Ooh, I don’t want a friend saying that about my man. Telling me he’s a good man, they like how he treats me, etc is one thing, but implying that they would step into my shoes if my back was turned, even in fun, makes me feel super aware. I would always want to watch that friend closely then & I hate that. Maybe that is because my boundary around this is very strict. I would NEVER say something like that to someone close to me. It feels like disrespect to me.

    Others may disagree & see it as just a playful thing, but I’ve seen too many relationships destroyed by just such a thing.

    I actually would’ve cringed & said to my friend, “Oh, I feel uncomfortable hearing that, even if it’s meant to be in fun.” I would set the boundary with her first.

  407.  #407Silver-Tongued Siren on February 10, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Peaches – 345 –

    I think I missed a post or two…

    I am sorry you are going through all this with your man, I do not know the whole story, I am curious, I think I missed some posts. But if he wants space, give him MORE space than he wanted! MILW calls, and I answer once in a while, (just so he doesn’t feel completely hopeless calling)… not sure I should even do that much though. Most of the time I make him leave a voicemail. … He drops by (I wish I had more time/money to leave the house)… (all his things are here, business stuff is here too, etc.)

    And of course he needs to see baby. which I haven’t brought myself to cut completely off because baby is so upset without him here.

    Anyway, I encourage you to stay strong, Let it Go, You know he FEELS it when you relax, and he can’t help but notice. MILW and I have this too. The times when I miss him most or am writing about him on here, he contacts me. He is thinking about me. Just let the energy relax, and have fun.. I feel like I am giving advice *I* am not having an easy time following! But, men’s egos don’t like when someone can just give them up easily! … … Wish you were here and we could keep each other company!!


  408.  #408Silver-Tongued Siren on February 10, 2012 at 11:37 am

    oh! and {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Peaches!}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

  409.  #409Goodheart on February 10, 2012 at 11:38 am

    Please understand, I’m not saying your friend is conniving or anything like that, but sometimes people just say things in fun (truly not meaning any harm at all) & it still feels bad to us.

    These are just my feelings & I’m sure many will disagree & that’s ok.

  410.  #410Jilly on February 10, 2012 at 11:39 am feels a little triggering to me…I don’t know how I would respond to that…

    but let’s vote for YOU…and really there is NO competition 🙂

    I might respond with Thank you! 🙂 or something like lk mentioned and just put it in the “file” 🙂

    I know Rori has a post on voting for ourselves…

  411.  #411Femininewoman on February 10, 2012 at 11:40 am

    Brenda your story about your agreement with Kenny reminds me of a book I recently read. Can’t remember the name now but it was written by a psychologists and Rori recommended the book in one of her interviews. It talks about how she feels that human beings were built to enjoy sex in many different ways, not only in a monogamous relationship. Though I am a Chrisxtian it made sense to me the way she described the natural rhythms of human beings even in childhood stages – that is as it relates to how our physical being is created. Maybe the whole reason for hormones, bonding and societal norms is to somehow manage the natural instincts that are involved.

  412.  #412Brenda on February 10, 2012 at 11:41 am


    RE: #395 – Oh, that’s right, now I remember. You live near Starla and Cupcake, I mean, Sweetpea, right? Colorado is such a beautiful state! There is an elderly couple in Pagosa Springs who I would LOVE to visit! They have a standing invitation to me. Their ministry is called, “Stretcher Bearers”. The man was healed of schizophrenia, and he has been such an encouragement to me in relation to Ryan!

    My Mom and Grandma used to live in New Hampshire, in Walpole! What a beautiful state, also, along with Vermont! I used to LOVE going to my Grandma’s house at holidays and whenever! She was the classic grandmother who was always cooking and encouraging us kids to have more! Our aunts, uncles, and cousins would all converge there and it was a grand way to spend many Christmases hanging out while the “big people” would drink coffee and chat!

    She had a huge yard with woods out back and a trail that led to the top of a quarry! My Mom’s brothers had turned one of the trees into an awesome treehouse in the 1950’s! In the 70’s, my brothers, me, and some other cousins refurbished their treehouse. We made such beautiful childhood memories in and around her house!

    The last time I was there was 1995, when we had a family reunion for my Mom’s side of the family. I want so much to plan another family reunion and revisit old times and old places. Good times!

    I can still hear my Grandma’s voice and see my Grandpa sitting at the table in his bathrobe and T-shirt, smoking and drinking coffee! While my great-grandfather, “Gramps”, sat in his rocker in the huge country kitchen holding his classic wooden cane across the arms of the rocker, smiling at his great-grandchildren and playfully grabbing us as we ran past him!

  413.  #413Silver-Tongued Siren on February 10, 2012 at 11:41 am

    406/ MEL –

    I agree with Goodheart..
    I just had to post about it again.
    Yes I felt really off hearing the word “sweetheart” .. that to me indicates to my intuition that there is some interest there (which you will negate however by NOT giving it anymore energy, simply give energy to what you DO want and appreciate and don’t let this happen again with your gf if you start to feel uncomfortable with it)… I agree with Goodheart I have seen too many rlsps be destroyed by just this type of thing.

    I don’t know – I can’t explain – just it didn’t feel good to me reading. Be careful, pay attention to your intuition.

  414.  #414turquoise on February 10, 2012 at 11:42 am

    FW, what message did you send? I feel excited about the weekend? I’m curious!

  415.  #415Brenda on February 10, 2012 at 11:43 am


    RE: #396 – “Brenda…how freaking cute are you??! 🙂 just picturing you saying you feel jealous that way makes me want to hug you 🙂

    just goes to show how when we keep our energy within our “personal space?” instead of reaching out to him how much in changes things…”

    Aaww, thank you! Yes, you are so right. It is in the vulnerability of our raw feelings that a man falls in love!!! That’s a cute example about the woman not wanting to complain about her man.

  416.  #416lk on February 10, 2012 at 11:44 am

    @Goodheart 406

    honestly, if i heard a friend say that about my man, i’d be like, ” i feel really sad hearing you say that ” … & i never ever Flirt or Carry On with another Woman’s Man – in fact, i try to Bushel my Light a little, if you recall that little ditty : ) lol

    & i’ve talked with my 3 or 4 besties, like, ok, never ever steal my man, right ? right.

  417.  #417FlowerChild77 on February 10, 2012 at 11:48 am

    I’m having such a nice day. It’s been a very mild winter here (which is NOT the norm for the Lake Michigan shoreline) and we’ve had very little snow and unusually warm temperatures, so far.

    This morning I woke up and it was completely white! I can’t even see the lake except for a few waves moving. We’re having 35mph N/NE wind with blowing snow and it’s 11 degrees (F) (wind chill is -3) There is a weather alert and the roads are treacherously icy.

    The weather has been so odd…just last week I saw a mourning dove (the always build a nest on my porch each spring—I love it.) It was so sunny and warm (high 40’s) I believe the poor bird was ‘confused!’ I really love hearing their ‘cooing.’

    I’m enjoying this snowy day and kind of ‘lazing’ around in my sweat pants and long underwear shirts.

    I never do this….I don’t feel right unless I’m dressed. I’ve always been like this. Wake up, snap up the shades, make the bed and get dressed and fix my hair, etc. I always wear earrings and a just a hint of lip color (I love the lip stains–CoverGirl and Ulta have really good ones.)

    It probably sounds silly, but it makes me feel good about myself. Besides….you just never know who you might run into on any given day! 😉 (Keeps my vibe up!)

    Oprah talked about this some years ago on her show. She was talking about always looking your best (not dressed to-the-nines, or anything) and about not going out to the store looking like a “shlump-a-dinka.” (that’s her word for letting ourselves go and not caring what we look like.) Still makes me laugh when I think of it! 🙂

    I’m hoping people are sensible and staying off the roads—or driving with extreme caution if they must go out. <3

  418.  #418lk on February 10, 2012 at 11:49 am


    regarding post #413

    “Yes I felt really off hearing the word “sweetheart” .. that to me indicates to my intuition that there is some interest there”

    actually, when i hear the word “sweetheart” it usually sounds Not Sexual to me… like…. Chaste, yet Affectionate

  419.  #419Jilly on February 10, 2012 at 11:50 am

    I feel jealous 😉 I want it to snow here!!! lucky Sirens!

  420.  #420Dominique on February 10, 2012 at 11:51 am

    Silver Tongued Siren – “if a man really is committed in his heart, showing it with his actions, then wouldn’t he have the guts to make it official, to be in a relationship?”

    It’s not so much about guts, it’s about an isness. I don’t feel an isness with this man, at least no right now, at least not consistently.

    I feel uncertainty, maybe confusion.

    It’s up to to decide how long you can hang in with this and him and if this is something you will tolerate even if nothing ever changes.

    These aren’t easy choices, and I don’t usually recommend making hasty decisions. I tend to suggest playing this out until YOU are sure on what you want to do and where you want to go.

    With K and me, there was never any doubt that we were in a relationship, even early though there was no discussion, no declaration.

    BUT when I learned to pay attention to what he was saying without saying it aloud, it was very clear. In time the words followed, but it has been a long time. Even now he is not so verbal. But I’ve learned to adjust to his style, and I’ve grown to prefer it.


  421.  #421Starla on February 10, 2012 at 11:53 am

    okayyy i feel a little protective and freaked out reading these comments to Mel.

    Mel, I don’t think you need to freak out. The sirens here are all triggered and giving you advice based off their own triggers, which is very caring and sweet of them too. You can CHOOSE to define your own triggers and reactions to them. This does NOT have to be a crisis. You just need to communicate to both parties right now, separately, or lean back and see if it blows over.

    I think you need to tell him, “hey, i noticed i’m feeling jealous, and i don’t want to feel that way with you…i’m not sure what i need specifically but i just don’t want to feel that way with you, especially when us 3 were having so much fun initially. What do you think?”

    and then you need to talk to your girl friend…and let her know you were having so much fun but now you’re feeling insecure after her joke about staying without you. Tell her you are so happy she thinks A is great and you don’t want her to feel demonized here cuz she hasn’t done anything wrong, but that you don’t want to feel uncomfortable so you figured you should get it out in the open

    And then lean back and trust your gut.

    I went through this with my roommate and CF. They both think highly of each other and it was exciting at first to incorporate them both into my life ,and then i got blooooody jealous. It did all smooth over.

    My very best friend got drunk and literally rubbed and grinded on MyGuy the first time we all hung out, cuz she liked him so much and she was wasted. I straight up confronted her, “hey drunky, you rubbed up on my man last night, and i don’t think you meant anything by it but DON’T DO IT AGAIN.”

    It didn’t mean anything. MyGuy didn’t pursue her and she never pursued him.

  422.  #422Kyla on February 10, 2012 at 11:53 am


    I’ve said to R ‘oooh i’m feeling kinda jealous and i feel silly for feeling jealous too and i don’t want to feel that way. what do you think?’

    I usually get an ‘awww’ and a squeezy hug and a compliment too lol he thinks its so cute when i share my jealousy and he makes fewer and fewer comments that trigger it too.

  423.  #423Lolita on February 10, 2012 at 11:56 am


    I would simply tell him that I felt uncomfortable and then go by his response. Next move may be to state a boundary or more FMs.

    How did you really feel? Mad? Jealous? Uncomfortable? Uneasy? Scared?

  424.  #424Mel on February 10, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    I am such a cute, cute rockstar! Yay me.

    He asked how I was feeling. I said weird. Why weird?

    So I just wrote him a “story” about the circus mice in my head (we have this joke that if you looked inside my skull you’d see really amazing circus mice doing tricks and conjuring random thoughts and “feelings”).

    Anyway, I was telling him how the circus mice were gnawing at me a little with their tiny little teeth this morning… and I asked them “what’s the deal?” and they told me they were upset, about the sweetheart with the exclamation points. Yup. The mice felt a tiny bit jealous of this extra display of punctuation. Too much enthusiasm, they said.

    But then I went for a walk with the mice and eventually I felt awfully silly because it IS very silly. And I reminded myself that I would rather have a semicolon any day… I would even turn down THREE exclamation points for a semicolon.

    And also _____ IS a sweetheart, and is deserving of even more than two exclamation points, so then I just felt a little bad for wanting to deny her the extra enthusiasm And then I laughed quite a bit at my silliness and felt better.

    And now I feel even sillier for telling you this because now I feel concerned you will think I’m crazy.

    *the funny thing is that I DID go for a walk and have a conversation with myself… I mean the “mice”*

    And this was his reply:

    Ok…you are crazy for sure!! But I am Crazy about YOU! (with like 26 exclamation marks).

    I am no longer feeling jealous.

  425.  #425Lolita on February 10, 2012 at 12:01 pm


    As for your friend, I would let her know the same… Ask yourself if you would have done the same in a similar situation, probably not.

  426.  #426Femininewoman on February 10, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    I like Goodheart’s thoughts and just want to add that I have never really established a boundary with girlfriends around that kind of thing but believe it is a good idea. I also believe that it is not good to allow a man to come between myself and my girlfriend. Is it because of this belief why I have sacrificed at least 3 relationships in the past? hhhhmmm

  427.  #427Lolita on February 10, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    Awww Mel 🙂

  428.  #428Lizka on February 10, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    A guy on my Facebook (was dating him 5 years ago but haven’t see or talk to him really since) was posting about the cruise in the Carribeans he’s going next week. I “liked” his post and when he saw it i guess he went on my profile and commented on my very sexy picture in bikini “wow! Single?” so I wrote as a joke “yeah! And I would look as cute as that in the same bikini but on a cruise ship”

    And guess what?!?! He said “I can call the travel agency and add you in my room if you want”

    And now he’s apparently very serious!!!!!

    Should I do something crazy and accept?!?

  429.  #429Kyla on February 10, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    yay mel xx

  430.  #430Starla on February 10, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    Ohhh FW, big hugs to you. What awfulness you have been through with your friends and your guys. I want to beat someone up in defense of your honor. Psssshhh, I will slap a b*tch. My FW is a beautiful siren and deserves the very best, including feeling totally secure that even the finest supermodel will not steal her man away from her.

    Yeah, I know, violence isn’t cool, whatever…

  431.  #431Femininewoman on February 10, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    Yayy Mel. You are such a siren. I am learning from you.

  432.  #432Lizka on February 10, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    Oh, not sure he’s offering to pay though…

  433.  #433Starla on February 10, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    yay mel you handled it great. I talk about the monkey in brain sometimes. monkeymonkeymonkey. He plays cymbals and wears a vest:)

  434.  #434Femininewoman on February 10, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    Starla you make me laugh. I want you on my team.

  435.  #435Starla on February 10, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    Lizka, message him on fb and tell him, “I feel intrigued about the cruise; tell me more…”

  436.  #436Femininewoman on February 10, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    No I wouldn’t Lizka. You might feel used after it is over. Remember the number one thing most guys have on their mind.

  437.  #437Brenda on February 10, 2012 at 12:11 pm


    RE: #421 – I completely agree on everything you said here. It sounds like a very healthy approach and fantastic feeling messages!

  438.  #438CurvySiren10 on February 10, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    Brenda, 402.

    Thank you for sharing your story despite feeling vulnerable doing so. Interesting that I also have the body/skin issues. I think this contributes greatly to my feelings of insecurity even though my man has never been critical and has always been quite physically attracted to me.

    I lost over 120 lbs in the past few years and body image is a very real issue. As much, or more, than when I was fat. It’s a very complex issue. I can’t afford plastic surgery at this point, so I really have to deal with what it means and how its impacting my Jealousy/insecurities in my relationship.

  439.  #439Dominique on February 10, 2012 at 12:13 pm

    I agree with CurvySiren; most men would find jealousy a turn off. Yet most women deal with this on some level. It’s about learning how to put it in its proper place.


  440.  #440Brenda on February 10, 2012 at 12:13 pm

    Oh Mel!!!

    RE: #424 – PERFECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I LOVE how you handled it! The circus mice is adorable and gosh, I bet Rori would swoon over them as a new Siren tool! Love, love, love it! Go Siren Mel!

  441.  #441Lolita on February 10, 2012 at 12:13 pm

    Lizka, I don’t mean to criticize, but if things are going so well with ATW and DjCD, why would you want to do that?

  442.  #442Starla on February 10, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    FW, I am SOOO on your team. I mean, you deserve it *by default*, but, gosh, for all the times you’ve had my back here with advice and support…I’m soooooo on your team

  443.  #443turquoise on February 10, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    Hhhhmmmm 🙂

    I just leaned forward and called my ex to let him know we were getting a lot of snow tonight, so he’d be aware for his trip up.

    He thanked me, and asked me to do him a favor and make sure the drill was all charged up because he wants to put up the shelves, hang the mirror…. and then he said, kinda smiley sounding, “and if there is anything else you want me to do… just let me know.”

    I said, “Oh I’m sure I can come up with a few things.”

    He laughed. I asked how long I had him for, and he said he needs to spend some time with his mom, so he’ll take the girls up to his mom’s sat. and bring them back sunday.

    I feel smiley…. will enjoy tonight!

    I’m 15 min. late leaving work! Gotta run!

  444.  #444FlowerChild77 on February 10, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    Mel…that is SO awfully cute about the mice in your brain! It’s really such an accurate visual of how we get caught up in our thoughts and NVs and how we can get ‘stuck’ in our heads! I can just see the little mice running around and maybe running on one of those wheels–where you run and run and get nowhere. Great analogy! 🙂

    You are SUCH an inspiring Siren. I’ve been following your story since last year and I so admire you and how you’ve handled your life.

    I agree with the Sirens who’ve told you that you have nothing to worry about. Just because a man recognizes another pretty woman and that she’d make a great partner for some OTHER man doesn’t mean that he wants her. As he said, he wants YOU! 😉

  445.  #445lk on February 10, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    monkey or mice ? do i have tiny animals in my brain making silly thoughts ?

    hm this morning i had a troll grumbling around, swinging his club o_0 lol & last evening too briefly : )


  446.  #446Brenda on February 10, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    Here are the circus monkeys wearing vests and playing cymbals in my head:

    B: Hmm, I feel so addicted to this blog. Dear circus monkeys, how could I read and post even faster?!

    M(onkeys): What??!! What is wrong with you?! You want to post even faster!? How bout washing your dishes and handling your finances a little faster??

    B: Hey, I know, I could open TWO sessions of Siren Island! Then I could post on one while reading the other, and not have to wait for it to refresh! LOL!

    M: Um, hello? Brenda? That office where you need to do some vitally important business closes in 1:15 hrs!

    B: I love the way I can press “F5” and refresh the screen so efficiently! I am so efficient at enjoying Siren Island! Matter of fact, Siren Island is my official hobby!

    M: Get the fu(k off the blog! Go get some balance in your life!

    B: But I feel GOOOOOD on the blog, and I feel YUCKY to face my life.

    M: Silence. Angry, reprimanding silence.

    B: Okay. Bye Sirens, talk to you later! Humph!

  447.  #447Brenda on February 10, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    I like monkeys or mice. I think for me, monkeys feels cuter.

  448.  #448Femininewoman on February 10, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    Turquoise I leaned forward with several guys using a bit of the feeling message VW suggested above. The one who seems to really want me was upset over the last week and a half and I had not heard from him now he is texting like crazy and wants to see me later. He said things like

    ” I would love to see you later

    Me: ooh That feels exciting

    Him: Plesae just let it work I know we are good for each other

    Him: I want it to work.”

    Me. awww you are so sweet. I feel so special

    Him: You are special the first time we spoke I knew u were you are just a bit shy

    Him: If you were not that shy you would have a key to my home already so you could come anytime you want

    Me: Aaww
    HimI know you want it to work like how I want it to

    Him: I know we can make it

    Me: Wow this feels confident

    It’s a bit jumbled but you get my drift. He is texting even at times with no response from me.

  449.  #449Starla on February 10, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    I also have a jello monster in my brain, who tries to turn my brain into jello for his delicious consumption. Unfortunately, a jello brain for me = deep, dark depression/violence

  450.  #450CurvySiren10 on February 10, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    Dominique, thanks for your post. I was starting to feel a little weird when everyone was saying that their men thought jealousy was “cute” and “nice”. Mine really does not. He is attracted to confident women and feels that a confident woman knows their value in his life and isn’t threatened or jealous of others. I’m really struggling with this, but want to heal it.

  451.  #451Mel on February 10, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    Thanks ladies! The circus mice really are amazing little critters. And he knows that when I talk about them, it means that I’ve been reflecting on something.

    I replied: Awwww…shucks! The mice think you’re sweet!

    He said: The mice are sweet, and you’re awesome, and I can’t wait to snuggle you tonight…

  452.  #452Femininewoman on February 10, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    His last two texts
    I know I will be happy with you and I will make sue you are happy.

    Please come later.

  453.  #453lk on February 10, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    he says, “what are you thinking ? ” i say ” imagining myself making 900 billion dollars ” he says, “what are you thinking ?” i say, ” mind your own business ! ” he says, “tell me something ” i say, “oh i really like to see the new vines weave up the old, gray vines ” he says, “tell me something else, tell me anything” i say, ” i love tea & tea-time : ) “

  454.  #454Femininewoman on February 10, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    Now I am thinking of worms in my brain thanks to lk. hahahaha

  455.  #455Dominique on February 10, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    CurvySiren – As I said most women deal with jealousy, but if you know that your jealous feelings are silly and unfounded, and the feelings still persist in a small way, then to say as was suggested that you feel a bit jealous and you feel silly feeling this way, then this is more than okay.

    If it is more than a small way, then still share IF it’s affecting how you are with him. And you would say something like, “I feel weird (and uncomfortable saying thing, but I’m feeling jealous. I don’t want to feel this way with you.”

    If it’s founded jealousy though, then this is a whole other deal. Rethinking the relationship would be top of my list of things to do.


  456.  #456Brenda on February 10, 2012 at 12:31 pm


    I want to join Team Banish Jello Monster!

    VERY apt description! I can so relate, minus the violence. But overeating is my self-destructive monshter.

  457.  #457lk on February 10, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    tomorrow i need to do the last interview report. the other one last night was fun : )

    i want to paint my nails & file my toenails

    i want a new journal

    i want a really pretty artsy dress

    i want a double-thick felted cape !

    i want to sleep on a pile of furs

    i want to sing

    i want to prepare my own medicines

    i want children & i want labor in the water

    i want to drink water that comes up from the earth between two black rocks & comes up clean & cold

    i want to be kept warm & smooth, like a touchstone

  458.  #458Femininewoman on February 10, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    Dominique I really appreciate your input on jealousy issue. It has opened my eyes about mistakes I have made in the past and how to handle it should it come up again in the future.


  459.  #459CurvySiren10 on February 10, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    Thank you Dominique. He has really never given me a “reason” to be jealous. It’s very clear how committed he is to being with me, although we have had some issues over the past 2 years for sure. But we keep getting stronger together and I know this is coming from within ME and something I must tend to.

    Thanks so much for your response.

  460.  #460Laughing Goddess on February 10, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    Mel, I love the way you handled that!

    I can relate to what you said about how you were kind of flirting with her too. I’ve noticed myself doing that before. Now when I am with my sweetie and another woman is around, I’m trying to find a way to be friendly while still out-girling her.

  461.  #461lk on February 10, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    that went a different direction… i need a quick to-do list lol.

    i want to finish the interviews

    i want to email Brother & Professor (that sounds like a lie to me…. i suppose i h8te correspondence… it feels confusing & difficult)

    i want to email the Art Teachers (HORRID i really don’t want to email the Art Teachers. there are no worse species of humans to try to get in touch with than Artists. i swear, it is like they are confused EVERY time they get a mail or hear the phone ring – like, HELP ! HELP ! What is that ? what is happening ? ! ?” LOL

    i want to buy a new journal

    i want to draw

    i want to read to CD

    i want to start editing my Project : )))))

  462.  #462lk on February 10, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    humbug. forgot about my nails.


    emails (Brother, Professor, Art Teachers)

    oh! & i’m silly. think of what to say to the the Russian Impaler lol & edit my resume.

    buy a journal

    do my nails

    read to CD

    edit my Project : )

    OHHH shxt. i need to Edit Neighbor-Lady’s project too. hmmm well, i bet i can do that super fast ? yayyyyy lk ! & it will be Good Practice & also really Good & Fun : ))) yay !

    maybe reading to CD & editing my Project could start next week, sweetest of LKs : ) what do you think ?

  463.  #463Aurora Girl on February 10, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    404 Brenda

    No I wasn’t thinking that and because he’s my son I just wouldn’t read it as a tease. I actually feel nauseated thinking of the words in that way.

  464.  #464Laughing Goddess on February 10, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    I just asked Sweetie about his views on jealousy from a man’s perspective because I felt curious after hearing the discussion on the blog.

    He said it depends on the situation. If it’s a woman who is just jealous of every woman then it shows her own insecurity, which is unattractive.

    But he said that in a relationship, jealousy can be somewhat cute as long as it doesn’t get out of hand. He said it shows that she cares. It all depends on how she communicates. If she gets mad and makes a big thing out of it, then it’s not cute. But if she expresses it in feeling messages and doesn’t take her anger out on the man, it can be endearing.

  465.  #465lk on February 10, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    zomg ok

    next week’s list

    read to CD : )

    edit my Project : )

    ask Mama about the old Singer in the table : )))

    ask MR about listing

    ask PP about a new one


    ALSO – i must purchase the secret of roan inish to watch with CD : )))) i love that movie : )

  466.  #466Lizka on February 10, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    Haha of course I’m not going. It was jut some craxtmy thought…

    Lolita – things are not doing THAT great with ATW… 🙁

  467.  #467Goodheart on February 10, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    Haha Mel – brilliant! My bf & I joke about my mind, we say “it’s an amusement park up there – never closes” 🙂

  468.  #468Laughing Goddess on February 10, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    There’s something that has been triggering me and I feel embarrassed to bring it up.

    I just feel so sick to my stomach when I see people spell ‘come’, ‘cum’.

    For example, “The postman is going to cum over to my house”

    Errrrr, I feel so nauseous reading that.

    I feel okay with the word cum being used to describe body fluids, but I don’t feel comfortable with it replacing the word ‘come’.

    I feel subtly sexually harassed. When I read it, my mind goes to the image of cum and it feels so weird and out of context to the actual conversation.

    blah…Still feeling the heebie geebies :-/

  469.  #469Jilly on February 10, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    Mel…yay…I feel happy and impressed with how you handled the situation…it feels refreshing…

    FW…wow…is this the same CD who would get upset when you didn’t call him?