Love and Healing Your Heart – The Emotional Rollercoaster

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So many times – we use a Tool – it works, we use another, it works, and we start feeling so much better, our whole perspective on our man and our relationship shifts, we feel stronger and more attractive. We start to feel like a Queen…and then – “Whap.”

We suddenly feel slammed down. Back to start. Yucky.

We beat ourselves up – “I made so many mistakes!” because we forgot the Tool, or we did what we said we wouldn’t do, or we forgot the basic 4 Rules and stopped talking in Feeling Messages.

And we use all that information to send ourselves downward, down the rollercoaster, down the spiral.

Here’s a  letter from Beth, who’s on that rollercoaster right now. I’m going to talk directly to her, and I know it will help you, too:

“Hi Rori,

So I’ve been getting over a sickness that’s been bad and I went to the ER the other night, and then tonight it got bad and I really had the shakes, I called my dad who’s a doctor and he said to get some ibuprofen but I didn’t have any, called Carl…oops.  He texted something I mistook for him offering to let me stay over and when he came over with the meds I said thanks for the offer and he said oh no I meant something else…I felt embarrassed.

I feel so much that I want him, I shouldn’t have called, and tonight I called about him asking me to go to Europe because my mom was encouraging (in December) and I said yes but then I called him and he didn’t seem overjoyed (he was at the office-maybe others there) and I feel so bad about myself right now, I feel in my gut that he felt I was faking it and I keep screwing up I know you said don’t worry but I’m sorry I’m worrying again, in a bad place again, maybe deep down I was manipulating him?

Your help means a lot to me, how can I cut off this thing? Maybe I should avoid him for the next few weeks?  I don’t know what’s going on, the pain is soooo great…soooo great…it feels like I’ll never be happy, just glimpses, sinking in, feel like I have to avoid him forever and hopefully one day the loss won’t feel so bad.

I feel so jealous of women who have what I want so badly and him not talking to me about what he’s thinking is what is driving me crazy, if I knew I could deal but I don’t and I don’t know what to do, tools, tools, have to sleep…

And here’s my answer:

Beth – a lot of this is feeling sick and helpless. It’s a very powerful thing and can make any one of us go down the emotional tubes.

It’s TOTALLY okay – in fact – a really, really good thing to call a man for HELP!! It’s a very good exercise for you in RECEIVING, and gives him a chance to step up.

The answer here is going to be always the same from me – don’t do ANYTHING.

Except for needing help when you were sick – Just don’t call. This is “junkie” behavior.

You have to be strong. And then when HE calls (he will) you are warm, open, feeling message, AND you have a very full life outside of him.

That FULL LIFE is still your missing piece.

When you fall into this kind of “disarray” – it’s just a temporary “disturbance.”

And disturbance is GOOD. It shakes you up.

Things are happening. Just keep doing the steps over and over and over again.

Love, Rori

Posted in

217 Comments

  1.  #1Turtle Girl on May 15, 2010 at 8:32 pm

    Oh this is perfect. And soooooooo spplies to what is happening to me right about now. I hurt myself and have been in a lot of physical pain for several weeks now and the injury is not healed and I am getting depressed and of course thinking about ex toxic man.

    I am lying in my bed crying and beating me up for all the mistakes I made. I saw him at a party. I called him a week later. I cry and screamed on the phone. I humiliated myself. I acted in a way I have never done in my whole life. I was insane. I did everything wrong.
    And now – now that I am sick it all just swirls around in my head and I go over it and over it and it’s icky. And all the cd men are icky somehow.
    I decided to take a break on men and when I did that my plate had been empty, but as soon as I told the universe I wanted a break the men came out in force! Ten emailed me! It is so weird.

    I can’t call ex toxic man for help. It is totally over and ended really badly. There is nothing to do but heal and grieve and try to move on. Try and not beat me up over the whole thing. It is a roller coaster-I was feeling great and then wham. I feel shitty. And now there is no man to call for help. Not one. I guess it is just part of the up down zig zap thing that happens until we get to the other side.

    I feel very alone and helpless. I feel just like Beth, I will never get what I want. The loss is horrible.
    *sigh* need sleep-in lots of pain.



  2.  #2Daria on May 15, 2010 at 9:44 pm

    so sad. i hate you. i feel so sad. i feel so unbelievably angry. i feel unsafe. i feel heavy headed. i feel heavy.

    i feel betrayed. i feel the heavyness. the numb.. i feel sad… i feel heavy sad… i love my feelings

    way down here

    on the bottom of the ocean

    i feel like a lead anchor

    feeling the ripples and the fronds

    and flounder the fish

    and i feel a lil smily

    and still heavy in the middle of course

    i love my heavyness

    i love my mental smile

    i love my creeping hmmhh hsmile

    i love my smile

    there goes my last best friend… turned against me…

    ahhh the poetic volcano dramaticness

    what does rori say

    aobut stillettos

    i am enjoying this habit of pain

    when really

    i could feel good right now

    hehe

    i am creating painful scenarios

    beautiful habit

    gifted with teh gift of passion

    while others worship men like jesus christ

    i worshipped u

    instead of me

    i want to beat u

    but i dont

    i hate u

    i feel jealous of the way you dont give a fuck

    to hurt me threaten me or probably attack me

    but then

    do i want to not give a fuck

    id feel too guilty

    yeah

    id feel too guilty to not give a fuck tho i dont have to haha

    i dont want to feel good and chill cuz id feel guilty

    ouch

    you named your son after me

    stupid bitch

    i heate u

    haha

    ur son is forever gonna be named after Daria

    even if

    u never speak to me agian

    or die

    i dont want u to die

    i feel like showing u up

    the way you show me up

    the other day

    and sometimes

    when u want to show off

    not now

    u cant slip by me with it

    cuz i care about me now

    while before

    i hid my heart in rags

    its not cool to “use” me

    u cant look better off of me

    anyway

    i am

    too bright

    like flashbulbs in a chest

    and my hair shimmers

    bitch how dare you

    get mad at me

    for going behind ur back? what

    to protect u

    did u think i wouldnt care

    that youre choosing to take lil icky steps toward death

    i fuckin hate
    u

    so much right now

    u stupid stupid bitch

    how did i ever make u my friend

    to hurt me like this

    i wish i never met u right now

    i wish i wouldve jsut got into it with you at first

    and kicked ur ass
    or maybe u wouldve won

    or not

    u do know how to fight
    ill give u that

    but so do i

    and i feel so sad

    i feel so sad ana di hate u so much

    i hate you so much right now

    i hate YOU

    so much right now

    i hate YOU
    so much right now

    i hate YOU

    so much right now

    aaaaaaah

    and all these stuipd men

    i ahve no one close to me

    even my brothers who are cool with me

    i jsut wanted a family

    and i got it

    but damn bitch

    i dotn want to be treated this way

    i dont want to see u die

    i dont want to be betrayed

    with words

    i HATE YOU

    u dont gibe a fuck about me and I HATE YOU

    i hate you

    i want to attack you

    is that the truth

    is that what i should do?

    am i holding back on you
    by not telling you the truth

    of how i hate you

    i sthat whats missing

    in this balance

    of ours

    ugggghhh

    i want to fight u

    and i dont want to fight you

    cuz see im “way too good for that”
    in my mind

    yeah

    i cover it

    hide it

    cuz

    i wanna be this jesus person

    that

    then
    feels
    like a punk

    and i just want

    to be the one
    who is on top

    but really
    i d be down

    to be both of us

    so why dont didnt u support me

    u want to put me down

    fake bitch

    u supposed to be my sister

    besides

    u shoudl know better and see better

    i am unputtadownable now

    and all you do

    is look stupid

    and make me

    fele bad

    u crush my heart

    with both your boots

    and bitch i want to beat you too

    but not as much

    as you do me

    i guess

    and what kinda

    shit is this anyway

    i feel lost

    i love my feelingvs



  3.  #3Daria on May 15, 2010 at 9:49 pm

    oh blog

    u eat
    my words

    well

    get fat and happy

    and thank u

    i bless u

    u brought me the tears i wanted

    the ones with the pain

    taht bring the healing feeling

    tears from pain have healing properties

    who said it?

    rori interview – scientific analysis

    they are healing substance in them

    so thank u

    freakin

    cookie monster



  4.  #4Daria on May 15, 2010 at 9:50 pm

    maybe it wasn’t a rori interview… maybe it was pat carrington…



  5.  #5EarthDancer on May 15, 2010 at 11:26 pm

    *hugs* Turtle Girl; I feel so sorry for your tears but hopeful maybe some healing will come for you through your tears. I’m sitting in bed alone in the house, no friends, no CD men right now … trying to figuring out a way to meet people… I will try church again tomorrow and maybe sign up on a 3rd dating site … but I have lost my job and money is a bit tight. *sigh* I feel the same as you – alone and helpless.

    i feel afraid my turn will never come. I feel there is something wrong with me that the female acquaintances I have do not want to be close friends. I have no family here, just me. I am an orphan. I have done all sorts of healing and clearing both on this site and with therapists, but I can’t seem to get it right. I feel punished by not being able to get it right even tho I keep trying *sigh* I don’t know what good my personal hurt is doing for this world. seems pointless. i am out of tears although i felt the beauty of your words, Daria.

    thank you loneliness. i love my loneliness because i have learned to depend on myself and i am strong. universe, i don’t want to be lonely and strong on the outside any more.
    thank you punishment. i love my punishment i have learned to be empathetic. universe i do not want punishment any more.
    thank you fear. i love my fear. universe, i am worthy of love and don’t want fear any more.
    thank you healing. i love my healing. i want the healing to continue.
    thank you hurt, i have learned my heart is strong, kind, and loving. universe, i don’t want to hurt anymore.
    thank you negative voice, but I am a nice person and a good friend and i will draw friends to me. Universe i want a large group of friends to share interests, laughter, love, time, and companionship with.
    thank you no tears, i am learning to FEEL and the tears will come. Universe I want to experience all my tears and heal. thank you.

    yay! i have my tears. i want the tears to wash away the dams.



  6.  #6Katie on May 16, 2010 at 2:10 am

    EarthDancer, Daria, Turtlegirl….hugs, I love your courage. Wouldn’t it be great to all come over to my place and sit round a fire and wrap up in blankets and chat and share. Your words resonate with me and I feel loving towards you.



  7.  #7mary on May 16, 2010 at 2:14 am

    island man was a dream today.

    i had a date with another man tonight. he showed up and looked way younger than his picture, and he was all about pleasing me. i read evan’s book, so thankfully i was very appreciative. and i felt open towards him.

    but i prefer island man.

    and it feels weird to begin to have tugs on my heartstrings for anyone besides R.

    and i’m missing R more each minute. it’s a feeling that keeps mounting. and it’s excruciatingly painful. i don’t even really know how to get through it except to just cry.

    something that keeps cropping up in almost every conversation is the fact that i’m up here in canada alone. guys are just blown away by that, and a million questions follow.

    it makes me feel that i shouldn’t be here. it is pretty unusual to love my family so much and want to live elsewhere. maybe i should pack all my stuff up and just be a gypsy for a while. live nowhere. visit places that i just want to see. figure out the very best place for me. go where the wind blows.

    yes.

    i really want to do that!

    i want to leave tomorrow.

    oh, what was that about the FULL LIFE being the missing piece?

    if i left tomorrow, would being a loner for a while be a full life? would traveling around by myself be a full life?

    i’m trying desperately to figure out what having a full life would look like to me. how do i even know what to create when i’m creating a life that i’ll love? tell me more, full life! how can i have you, hold you and keep you?

    i’m not sure.

    i give up.



  8.  #8Katie on May 16, 2010 at 2:22 am

    My neck hurts – don’t know if I’ve strained it or if its tension (probably both). So Ibufrofen yeah – it helps. I’ve been taking some time out from men and just running my own business and minding my own business. Helping my 15 yr old son grow up. And sometimes it feels fantastic, I feel strong staying on my horse and in touch with MY life. Other times I feel very alone and start despairing over all the mistakes and missed opportunities. Maybe I’m getting too old for all the dating/relationship/rollercoaster trip anyway.



  9.  #9Katie on May 16, 2010 at 3:00 am

    Hey Daria – some months ago you posted a link to’ 4 styles of loving’ or it had a title something like that. Could you post again here as i’d love to read through it again and make sure I copy and paste into a file this time!!



  10.  #10Katie on May 16, 2010 at 3:07 am

    About tears and science – I heard that women when we cry release a stress decreasing hormone, so we cry and feel better. Men’s bodies don’t do this and so they can even feel worse after crying or they don’t get the feeling of well-being that us women do.



  11.  #11Katie on May 16, 2010 at 3:11 am

    Hi Mary – sounds like your life IS pretty full already! You are out there with 2 men (atleast) CD ing, I’m in admiration, really!



  12.  #12tallgirl10 on May 16, 2010 at 3:51 am

    I feel even worse today. I feel angry and betrayed and like I am a bad person.

    I feel like he played a game of bait and switch. I was set up for failure.

    What an asshole. My heart is breaking, and my self esteem in the toilet.



  13.  #13tallgirl10 on May 16, 2010 at 6:16 am

    Ladies,

    I would love your thoughts on this. I have thought about what I would say that was feeling to him if he reaches out to me. Here is what I came up with:

    “Thanks for reaching out to me, and I hope all is well.

    I felt surprised to hear from you after our last date. I had a great time during the evening, but I ended up leaving the car feeling pretty confused at the end. I feel like I have a hard time reading what is going on between us, and it often feels like there is some sort of disconnect which I can’t fully describe or understand.

    I feel like I would like to explore where this could go, because I enjoy your company and have enjoyed getting to know you better. However, I want to be in an interaction where there is mutual interest, and consistent behavior. I also want to be in an interaction where there is open communication and potential for growth. At this point, I feel confused about if these components exist between us how we might be able to reconnect the disconnect if that is possible.

    What do you think?”

    Ladies – I would love as much feedback as possible on this. Thanks so much!



  14.  #14Bella on May 16, 2010 at 6:26 am

    I passed him while driving yesterday. He was going in the opposite direction, we just looked at each other, there were no smiles, no waves, just looking at each other. I guess I was shocked to see him because it has been 3 months. I started having a panic attack, I WANTED him so badly to turn the car around and come after me, but he didn’t. . .I wanted him so badly to call me, text me, e-mail me, anything!! he didn’t. I came home, started crying, feeling so helpless.

    I felt like all the progress I was making the past three months just came to a screeching halt and I was right back where I started!

    I was beating myself up over so many mistakes and how could I let myself get so involved emotionally with a man who treats me badly. . what is wrong with me?? I’ll never find a man who really loves me! All the nasty voices on OVERDRIVE!

    I printed out a past topic from Rori and wrote on it “Read this when you feel bad” I went to it immediately and it puts things back into perspective for me. It is so powerful, that I thought I would share it again.

    “This is NOT about heartbreak. He was a disaster all along. It was your judgment, your self-esteem that was the problem then…and it doesn’t have to be that way now…
    The trick to not letting “hurt” from the past get to you NOW – is to realize that YOU are in control of so much more than you give yourself credit for.
    Remember – YOU were THERE! You did things, and said things, and tolerated things. You were THERE. That means…
    You DON’T HAVE TO BE THERE!
    This means you can CHOOSE to be there or not when you don’t feel good about what’s going on.
    You can choose to stay quiet and accept poor treatment and no love, or you can choose to Speak your Truth. You can choose to practice being brave – not by arguing, but by doing what feels GOOD. Not what feels like “revenge” – or “getting it off your chest” – but by telling the Truth. Sharing what you feel – no matter how angry it is – in a way that OWNS your feelings, rather than making HIM responsible for them.
    In order to be hurt – you have to be there.
    And sometimes, yes, it’s an accident – but you know it’s an accident and you get out of there as fast as you can.
    If you can trust yourself just enough to believe you’ll know when it feels good to be there, and when it doesn’t…and practice letting that trust help you open your heart to whatever man is standing before you – trusting that YOU will know when to stay and be there, and when to get your energy out of there – you will get the love, romance and relationship you want.
    You’ll know when you’re just protecting your heart for no reason – in defense for something that hasn’t even happened yet – and when you’re walking away – even for just a moment – because you FEEL bad. It takes practice. It takes a bit of skills, and you can get those skills by practicing the Tools.”

    ahhhh, okay, deep breath. . . .I WAS there, I chose to be there, I don’t have to be in that place anymore.
    I love that I see my patterns now
    I love that I give myself permission to walk away when something doesn’t feel good
    I love that I can take responsibility for my actions, and forgive myself for not clearly understanding my self-sabotaging ways at that time, BUT I am understanding them now, and that feels awesome!

    Thank you Rori!



  15.  #15tallgirl10 on May 16, 2010 at 6:46 am

    Here is another version with feeling messages:

    “Thanks for reaching out to me. I have put some thought into it, and I feel concerned about continuing to see each other. I really enjoyed our evening last time, but I felt very confused at the end when I got out of the car. I feel like I have a hard time reading what is going on between us, and it often feels like there is some sort of disconnect which I can’t fully describe or understand.

    I want to be in an interaction where there is open communication, mutual interest, potential for growth and consistent behavior. Some of these components seem to be lacking and I find it frustrating because I have enjoyed getting to know you.

    What do you think?”



  16.  #16Sherry on May 16, 2010 at 7:28 am

    Tallgirl – I like the second version MUCH better. I am not good at feeling messages yet. If I were to tweak it I would leave out “I have put some thought into it” and just start the sentence with “I feel concerned.” Also, I would not be vague about the confusion getting out of the car. If I were going to go for saying my truth, I would make sure it was clear. Unfortunately, I haven’t learned the art of feeling messages so I would say something like “Why the hell didn’t you want to kiss me when you dropped me off? You were all over me until then!” Lol but I’m sure you could make that sound eloquent 🙂



  17.  #17Turtle Girl on May 16, 2010 at 8:30 am

    Bella-
    That’s awesome! Thanks for reposting that. It is so true-the heartbreak is because I let myself stay with that man. The heartbreak is I stuffed my feelings. The heartbreak is I did not speak my truth at the time. I tried to in many emails but said it all wrong. And the heartbreak is that even if I would have spoke in feelings messages-it would not have mattered anyway!
    He would have told me that my feelings were wrong! And he would have chided me for having them!
    Yes, the heartbreak is I abandoned myself and let that man define love for me. Oh, what a lesson that one was.

    Tallgirl-second post is waaayyy better.:o)



  18.  #18EarthDancer on May 16, 2010 at 8:31 am

    Katie, thank you for your kind words – I feel warm and friendship in my heart now. I would feel lovely having the chance to share in person, but for now I love this forum 🙂

    I do feel less stressed after the cry 🙂

    “Maybe I’m getting too old for all the dating/relationship/roller-coaster trip anyway.” aaggghhh I secretly feel the same fear, but I want to believe my turn will come too. I’ve been waiting my whole life; please God, can I be next?

    I have this on a sticky note from Rori’s last thread: “I want to be adored and cherished and cared for, and I want attention, affection, romance and great sex.”

    Love to all. xoxo



  19.  #19EarthDancer on May 16, 2010 at 8:32 am

    TallGirl 10:

    I am still new with feeling messages, but after the thank you I would focus on only one or two main points. AND add “what about you” or “what do you think” at the end 🙂 *hugs*



  20.  #20Turtle Girl on May 16, 2010 at 8:39 am

    Earthdancer-

    I have been in your spot. It feels like you are never gonna come out of it. There was a time in my life when I had no friends at all. That was the worst. I did a lot of work on myself and it got better. Just keep your faith and hope and keep looking in the mirror.
    Ask yourself – who do I want to be for myself and others. Who would I be proud of? That was enough for me to get myself off my own arse and get off my pity pot. Not saying you are on one. It’s just that after all the tears I got to a place of – well now what? Life goes on- and I need to get busy living or get busy dying.



  21.  #21EarthDancer on May 16, 2010 at 8:39 am

    TallGirl10: oops I posted before #14 came thru. I like that version a lot…

    Bella, thank you for posting! *hugs* to you… I’m so sorry! I had the same thing happen the other day, except we were at a stoplight side by side. I felt frozen. I wanted to honk or wave. THEN I started analyzing that I made a HUGE mistake & maybe if I had of done this or that it would make a difference between us – since I didn’t do anything, that somehow I messed up. Bottom line is, HE didn’t do anything, either. Ughh, still hurts like hell. Love him still, even tho he wasn’t there for me.

    TurtleGirl: *hugs* feel so sorry for your heartbreak 🙁



  22.  #22Turtle Girl on May 16, 2010 at 8:42 am

    Oh, and earthdancer-I am so sorry about your job loss. That is always a real basher. Ugh……..I lost a really good job a few years back and it ended up being a blessing. I just could not see it at the time, but now, I am grateful. But I know none of that helps when you are in the middle of the soup. Take really good care of yourself during this time. BE kind and eat good food. You are prolly in shock-I know I was.



  23.  #23EarthDancer on May 16, 2010 at 8:43 am

    Thanks TurtleGirl: 🙂

    I get on my pity pot every now and then, cry a bucket load, then sit back up & try again. I feel the message in my life is perseverance. I sure as heck keep trying different things and I feel some day, some how I will find the right way to do things and it will get better. My heart feels soothed today from the lovely messages here. Even tho I may be alone in this town where I live, I feel (a bit fearful, a bit presumptuous) I have friends here on Siren Island. Thank you 🙂



  24.  #24EarthDancer on May 16, 2010 at 8:49 am

    Wow, Mary, I feel so admiring you are a poet Goddess. I love the full life imagery.

    So sorry your heart is aching for R. Perhaps Island Man & Young looking man have healing messages and will help you put R into a sacred corner of your heart so you can love again? I know, logic doesn’t help when your soul is aching for someone else … *hugs*



  25.  #25Turtle Girl on May 16, 2010 at 8:57 am

    Logic? Ah, yes the infamous logic that we are supposed to worship as a god………gets us where exactly?

    Gets us in trouble thats where. Our feelings are where it’s at. Logic works on engineering diagrams, not in relationships. Ex toxic man told me once he wanted a women who was more logical. Yes! Oh yes, let’s avoid all of our feelings! That’s the ticket! Belch……….



  26.  #26dawn on May 16, 2010 at 9:27 am

    I dont mind feeling icky
    that means im alive
    if im still alive
    that means
    my journey
    isnt over
    i have another chance
    to get it right
    i can and will be better
    OH YAH
    better ,bigger, stronger
    life throws the punches
    i can weave
    or i can take it
    either way its gonna come
    im ready
    im open
    bring it on

    stronger



  27.  #27tallgirl10 on May 16, 2010 at 9:45 am

    How is this?

    “Thanks for reaching out to me. I need to be honest, I feel concerned about continuing to see each other. I really enjoyed Friday night, but I felt confused when I got out of the car. I have a hard time reading what is going on between us, and it often feels like there is some sort of disconnect which I can’t fully describe or understand. I feel like I would like to figure it out, but don’t really know how.

    What do you think?”



  28.  #28Lucy on May 16, 2010 at 10:13 am

    Daria — I love how you wrote this:
    u eat
    my words

    well

    get fat and happy

    <3



  29.  #29Lucy on May 16, 2010 at 10:16 am

    Tallgirl — I like the last version the best. I feel unsure about the last sentence, about “figure it out” — since we’re not supposed to be about figuring things out as Sirens, ya know?

    Also, “I really enjoyed Friday night” might be more powerful if you make it even more of a feeling statement, such as “I felt great being with you Friday night” etc.



  30.  #30mary on May 16, 2010 at 10:23 am

    hi tallgirl. i think any version of that would work! i once was gonna be a prayer partner with a woman who was a psychiatrist, and she called me and said that she wanted to do it with me and was having some feelings about it that she didn’t understand, so she was going to “sit with her feelings” until she felt resolved about it, and she’d contact me if she thought it might work. she never contacted me.

    when i hung up the phone, i knew she’d rejected me. it felt just as bad as if she’d said, “i’m not gonna be your prayer partner because i don’t like your nose.” but i felt okay in a strange way, because her ownership of the reason, and of her feelings, helped me to see that she couldn’t do it because of inner wrestlings and that the desire to do it was there. instead of blaming myself, i was able to see that she just couldn’t do it. and i admired her for honoring what she needed to do for herself in the situation.

    i immediately thought, “this would be a great way to say NO to a guy someday. tell him i’d like to, describe my inner wrestlings, tell him of my commitment to wait and see (could be a don’t-want- this-to-keep-going-on kind of thing), and ask him what he thinks.



  31.  #31mary on May 16, 2010 at 10:23 am

    question:

    do i thank island guy for the wonderful day yesterday? it feels like a standard thing to do, but is it a Rori thing to do?



  32.  #32mary on May 16, 2010 at 10:29 am

    bella, thank you for that clipping!

    i’m gonna use it with R.

    earth dancer, thank you for the concern. it feels good that you care! sometimes the pain is soooo intense.



  33.  #33Bella on May 16, 2010 at 10:36 am

    tallgirl 10 I’m VERY VERY new to feeling messages, so I hope you don’t mind if I practice with you.
    How about:
    “It feels good when you reach out to me, but I feel concerned. . .”

    **Turtle Girl** I’m sorry to hear about your injury, and I hope we can lift your spirits here. I’m glad the post from Rori helped, I can SO relate to you and being told by a man you love that your feelings don’t count. Only now, we know that’s a bunch of crap. It still hurts deeply, but we can feel relieved that we are not in that place anymore.

    EarthDancer thank you for the hugs! I guess I’ve played in my mind a million times (I know, I’m obsessing!!) how I would act/react when I saw him again, because we do live in the same town, so I knew it would happen sooner or later. It felt so weird that none of the things I had “imagined” I would feel even came to mind. It was just like you said, I felt frozen, and I felt like I was moving in slow motion, I had extreme feelings of panic, and then I did just like you I started analyzing EVERYTHING, and what if I had passed through the light 2 minutes earlier, I would have seen him on a less busy street and maybe he would have stopped, OR since my house is in that area, I’m thinking Oh my God did he go by my house and I wasn’t there? WTF was I doing to myself?! Seriously, how much time and energy did I waste yesterday?

    Thank God I have my “Read this when you feel bad post” and Rori in my ear saying “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” 🙂
    Deep Breaths, I’m learning, slowly but surely, I’m learning



  34.  #34mary on May 16, 2010 at 10:36 am

    katie,

    i’ve just been on lots (and lots) of first dates with guys from the Internet, Plenty of Fish. i put them on the calendar wherever i can fit them in, and GO. i scheduled a lot of them, even with guys who just don’t look that good. (lots of them in my age bracket.)

    a walk with K today at 2:30 pm.

    it really does help the tendency to focus on just one guy. no time to think of island man today. i’m just too busy.

    it take tons of time and careful organization, but this is the area of my life that must be taken seriously because it colors the way i feel about everything.

    i’m doing exactly what Rori suggests and it’s working. i’m feeling like the Need for a Man problem is being sorted out, so now i’m free to use my thinking, dreaming and creative energy on My Life.

    does that make sense?

    as long as i’m taking action steps and as long as i have men to spend time with on my calendar, the importance of having a partner diminishes.

    i was leaning towards my own philosophy of how this could work, having figured out that i never wanted to be a girlfriend again, when i found Rori. to have a whole support group around this very thing is unbelievably helpful! and the things that are said here are priceless. i’m so glad to have found this help during this time!



  35.  #35Daria on May 16, 2010 at 10:40 am

    “Thanks for reaching out to me. I need to be honest, I feel concerned about continuing to see each other. I really enjoyed Friday night, but I felt confused when I got out of the car. I have a hard time reading what is going on between us, and it often feels like there is some sort of disconnect which I can’t fully describe or understand. I feel like I would like to figure it out, but don’t really know how.

    Tallgirl – i feel a lil uncomfortable tweaking but i’m going to give it a go:

    no thanks for reaching out to me. (that feels weird and impersonal to me, like a business greeting… reaching out… )

    “you know… im feeling uncomfortable about something, and i feel really weird talking about it, but it would feel better to just get it out (taken from rori).

    i felt really awkward last friday, i expected a kiss when i leaned in and when it didn’t happen, i felt horrible and embarassed. i felt so good with you friday and now i just feel terribly icky and confused. what do you think?”



  36.  #36Lucy on May 16, 2010 at 10:40 am

    Mary — “i’m trying desperately to figure out what having a full life would look like to me. how do i even know what to create when i’m creating a life that i’ll love? tell me more, full life! how can i have you, hold you and keep you?”

    This is something I am struggling with a bit too. Most of my life I have been busy busy busy with a lot of things that I liked doing but it all added up to being a very stressful life.

    Over the past year, cancer was not only a wake-up call but also a lightbulb moment: A lot of the things I had been doing were to validate myself — church work, volunteering, singing, writing, doing so much for other people, etc.

    I went through a kind of awakening and healing that put me in a position of no longer feeling the need to “be somebody” or “do things” to feel good about myself.

    So now I have been in a resting place — just doing whatever I feel like doing at the moment. Very much a free spirit. And it feels good.

    But

    I was just talking to my therapist about this last week. I told her what I told you girls — that I realized if Getting Closer Man would suddenly step up and invite me out there, I would panic — I do not feel ready to meet him!

    And the two things that don’t feel ready, are 1) my weight, and 2) my “full life” (career, etc.)

    At first my therapist said that she thinks my life is good and full just the way it is — because one doesn’t have to be running around like crazy in order to have a full life. My life is relaxing, peaceful, satisfying, and loving (for the most part!)

    But as we talked about it, I told her that my fear is that because I do not feel attached to anything specific in my life (except my kids) — I feel at risk for making my life all about him (or any other man) if he starts to really step up. Since I’m not attached to the details of my life, I could readily attach to the details of HIS life.

    I told her it’s like I need an anchor, to keep me from drifting after him.

    “You need to feel grounded,” she said, nodding.

    (She did point out, though, how most of my non-attachment is great, and that it would be especially helpful in the event that a man would want me to relocate.)

    So, anyway, now I know that for me a “full life” doesn’t have to be terribly busy, BUT I do need to add something to it that makes me feel anchored or grounded.

    And what might that be, Lucy? I don’t know!

    “Tell me more, full life!” 🙂

    Thanks, Mary.



  37.  #37Katie on May 16, 2010 at 10:45 am

    Tallgirl10 – That last version is much clearer and gentle too. I love it when ladies here are working things out together about how and what to say, I learn so much.



  38.  #38mary on May 16, 2010 at 10:53 am

    oh! thanks daria. tallgirl, i didn’t realize you were talking about the kiss!

    i like daria’s speech.

    clarification happening here…



  39.  #39Katie on May 16, 2010 at 10:54 am

    Mary –
    I reckon it is good to say thanks if you’ve had a great date/time with a man. To say how you felt too. I think they need to get feedback just like we do and that isn’t really leaning forward is it?
    Also I’m so impressed with the details of your CD life!! I will have to bite that bullet when I feel ready and get out there again.



  40.  #40Bella on May 16, 2010 at 10:54 am

    Yay!!! Daria to the rescue.

    I love your “tweaks” for Tallgirl10

    Daria, my goal is to one day be able to express my feelings like you do, in a way that just seems to come naturally.
    I feel encouraged reading your posts!



  41.  #41Lucy on May 16, 2010 at 10:54 am

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lkkG1hGZaD0

    This video and song SO remind me of what happens here on Siren Island — the support, love, and encouragement of women together.

    <3
    Lucy



  42.  #42Simply Shannon on May 16, 2010 at 11:00 am

    Tallgirl: “I’ve got a problem. Can we talk for a minute?”

    Him: Sure. What’s up?

    TG: When I leaned in to kiss you Friday night… [breathe] I feel embarrassed. I felt confused. What do you think?

    Him: Why?

    TG: It felt so good to be with you Friday but after the kiss incident, I felt so awkward. What do you think?

    The short version might be easier to remember. The gist of it is that you felt weird when you leaned in to kiss him and when you got of the car you felt unsure about things. And what does he think?

    Let us know how it goes!



  43.  #43Simply Shannon on May 16, 2010 at 11:02 am

    LOL! I feel embarrassed. Looks like Daria said the same thing. 🙂



  44.  #44Maria on May 16, 2010 at 11:09 am

    – I need to be honest, I feel concerned about continuing to see each other –

    Id skip that part, because this looks like closure. Rori said to avoid closures.



  45.  #45mary on May 16, 2010 at 11:14 am

    hey katie,

    maybe you don’t have to feel ready? all you have to do is get some pictures first. then you can tweak a profile here. then all you have to do is respond to emails. it’s easy. then when you make a date, just go on it.

    that’s how i’m doing it. just one date at a time. i’ve been rejected and it didn’t feel good. but i had a date the next day, so whatever. no time to dwell on nowhere man.



  46.  #46EternalOptimist on May 16, 2010 at 11:28 am

    Tallgirl10,

    To be quite honest, if I were you I would do nothing. It feels like you are putting out too much energy towards this one man you are not even sure of. Starting with before the date and now post-date. It appears that you enjoyed yourself during the date (except for him looking at the lady dancing)and to me, that’s what counts. As I recall Rori saying, if you put out that much energy towards one man, he will run the other way. I believe the main message on this site is not to put the focus on any one man, what he does or doesn’t do but to DIVERSIFY and not OVER-INVEST. Also, we are to avoid figuring anyone out or beating ourselves up. Who knows, maybe he was tired and wanted to get home or briefly distracted or maybe he was out of breath mints!

    If I were you, I would polish my online profile and see what’s in the inbox. I would focus on other things I enjoy; talk to friends, play sports, go shopping, spring clean my house, new hobby, read all the old blogs on this site etc. I would give this one man emotional space and enjoy whatever he has to offer with no expectations.

    I had my 5th date (in 2 months) with my #1 CD, no move towards kissing. I was briefly disappointed but I refuse to interpret it as a reflection of his level of interest. Life and CDing goes on…



  47.  #47Daria on May 16, 2010 at 11:32 am

    Shannon – i liked your version because of the breaks for him to speak!!



  48.  #48Daria on May 16, 2010 at 11:43 am

    me: [straining tea]

    mom: if you like this stuff so much… {pause}… uff i dont evne know whta to say anymore with you cuz… {pause}… if you liek this stuff so much like herbs and natural health, wouldn’t you like to do soemthing with it, like social or certified like to help other people…

    me: {feeling impinged upon, angry, afraid to speak my feelings} umm yeah if something comes up

    her: what ? if something comes up

    me: yeah if i think of something like that i’ll do it {discomfort voice}

    pause… me straining tea, thinking and checking how i feel… thinking of whether to share… feeling angry

    2 min later, by the sink

    she: looks at my face and says ohh whats wrong {caring voice}

    me: ohh i feel angry… i dont like to be told what to do

    her: OH YOU DONT LIKE TO bE toLd What to do. WHAT? wHAT DID I Say now11 WHAT DO you like to be told what to do? and what are people supposed to always be telling you what you want? you know what

    im just not gonna say anything at all to you Daria, anything at all

    ive already been living at home for years and all you do is avoid me (my thought not true)

    and you just think people are supposed to say what you want
    what you just think you can rule over everyones feelings… people arent gonna say what they want, everyone says what they themselves feel… you always dont want to be told this or that

    what you dont even have any common courtesy !

    WHAT WHAT are some examples of what you would like what to do. i dont even know you dont ever even tell me… besides bellydancing i dont know whta t you like

    pause

    ok and i know you like making teas…

    [during this time i was straining my tea without saying anything and then left upstairs]

    Sirens!!

    this has happened several times. when i share a feeling message i then feel instantly attacked. it’s like my mom instantly jumps to defensive mode and attacks me

    Rori, sirens, help!

    I want to add that my inner vulnerable self felt very much validated that I DID say something about feeling angry.

    so right now im feeling pretty calm



  49.  #49mary on May 16, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    well, all you said was you felt angry. and lots of thought went into it.

    and i admire how you’re feeling really calm these days and are able to reflect on things. it’s happening much more quickly than even the beginning of last fall, when i blogged on. you’re watching yourself. you’re feeling your feelings. you’re choosing what you say, and carefully. and you’re giving up on the consequences. then you’re staying centered.

    consequences don’t always feel good. but you risked them. and now you’re dealing with them.

    that’s admirable.

    daria.

    that’s cool.

    daria.



  50.  #50Daria on May 16, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    Lol Mary! It feels like my life is falling apart and im standing here smiling.

    now i feel worried about my parents getting ill!

    that was my next worry about what could go wrong!

    i dont wnat that!!

    i lvoe my feelings and fears

    hey GOD can you please heal my parents or have me heal them and inspire them in a way thats EASY

    i would like EASY please thank you!



  51.  #51Lucy on May 16, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    Daria, I agree with what Mary wrote, and like you said, you DID use a feeling message and that’s something to feel proud of.

    When I read the dialog, what stood out to me was that because your mom has not been taught how to use feeling messages, she uses other words to express her feelings. What I hear in her words is

    “I feel frustrated.”

    In the first paragraph, her words and pauses feel to me like she is trying very hard to know what words to use but she just doesn’t have the right tools. I could be wrong, but it feels like a mom who really wants to connect with her daughter but is at a loss how to do that.

    (Which it seems is maybe the same way YOU feel about connecting with HER.)

    After you said “ohh i feel angry… i dont like to be told what to do”

    I would feel very frustrated as a mom because I DIDN’T tell you what to do, and maybe was trying very hard to make sure it did not come across that way– was really trying to just help YOU discover what YOU want to do and making observations about your interests to give some suggestions that maybe you had not thought of — and I would feel very angry at MYSELF because once again I have made my daughter angry when that was the LAST thing I wanted to do, when I was just trying to help her and love her. But, instead of being able to feel her own feelings and say

    “I feel so frustrated. I feel angry at myself for failing to communicate in a way my daughter can receive. I feel angry because I DIDN’T tell you what to do”

    she doesn’t have that awareness so she lashes out at you.

    I realize this is a lot of speculation on my part, and if it doesn’t resonate with you, Daria, I feel good about my *thoughts* being rejected. 🙂

    <3
    Lucy



  52.  #52Daria on May 16, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    Thanks Bella! Thanks Mary!!



  53.  #53tallgirl10 on May 16, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    I don’t plan on doing anything. I was preparing for if he reaches out to me. My guess is he most likely not going to. and that is my answer.

    I need to cd, but I am so disappointed right now, i don’t want to do anything…..



  54.  #54Daria on May 16, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    Hey Lucy!

    Thanks! that makes a lot of sense…

    well… except the i feel angry because i didn’t tell you what do part – seems like defending and explaining and i felt suddenly disengaged there

    yes… i don’t think she has the tools. i didn’t realize she felt frustrated.. awww

    yes

    you’re right she’s trying to CONNECT!!!

    and what im hearing is PUSH! and “YOURE NOT GOOD ENOUGH”

    so thats why she complains about not connecting…
    aha

    this is her trying to connect

    ok

    i want to connect hehe! and i want it feel good!!



  55.  #55mary on May 16, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    oh, tallgirl.

    i am the queen of being on the other side of the Pull Away Man. but i’m not you, and you’re not me, so i can’t possibly know how you feel.

    sounds very difficult. i’m so sad about that.



  56.  #56Daria on May 16, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    I would very much like to be talked to the way Rori described

    STROKING … oh thats so great you’re so great, i encourage you, i so admire you, etc

    and no advice unless i ask for it

    BUT i don’t knwo how to tell her that WITHOUT TELLING HER WHAT TO DO

    shes asked me what id like to be talked to like, but i feel unsafe and like it wasn’t an actual request but more of really loud talking



  57.  #57mary on May 16, 2010 at 12:47 pm

    i just had a very nice exchange with island man.

    on my profile, where it asked what you’d like to do on a first date, i wrote:

    “Well,

    we could stand near the edge of a tall craggy cliff, watch the waves crest and foam on the rocks down below, hear the gulls sing their songs, breathe the salt in the air, throw some smiles to the wind, and just…

    be there.”

    So we did nearly that yesterday! We went walking along the ocean, and he saw a little path through the woods and we went, and there was a bridge over a little inlet of water, and we went over to the edge of the bridge…

    so instead of saying thank you,

    i said:

    “Well,

    we stood near the edge of a small shaggy bridge, watched the waves crest and foam on the logs down below, heard the gulls sing their songs, breathed the rain in the air, threw some smiles to the wind, and just…

    were there.

    You are a dreamweaver.”

    And then I emailed again and said, “Okay. the waves weren’t cresting and foaming. the gulls weren’t singing their songs. it wasn’t even windy. But…

    I was smiling, and so were you.”

    And he emailed back and told me he could have laid in the sun (like we did for a few minutes) and talked for hours.

    I probably shouldn’t have said “and so were you…” but it’s done now.

    i’m satisfied.



  58.  #58mary on May 16, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    daria,

    when i was 15 i sat my mom down and said this to her:

    “mom. i’m going through a phase where i like everything to be my idea. can you deal with that?” and she said sure. and she got the message right away.

    who knows what will work with your mom? you can only try things…

    sounds like you’re doing that and being mindful about it. notice you didn’t join into the drama. you just said what you said (a feeling statement, no accusations) and let it go.

    that’s all you can do!



  59.  #59Daria on May 16, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    Thanks Mary!



  60.  #60tallgirl10 on May 16, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    my gut told me he was not interested when we dated last year. And my head and gut told me to be very careful about having any feelings for this person because he has not demonstrated he can be consistent.

    Well after two weeks, I was willing to say – oh yeah you have changed, when in fact nothing changed. He still is not that interested and then showed me that this weekend.



  61.  #61mary on May 16, 2010 at 1:33 pm

    tallgirl,

    that kind of thinking sounds brave to me.

    i wish i could have taken those quantum leaps in my thinking and prevented myself from experiencing so much pain and disappointment.

    cheers to your process.



  62.  #62tallgirl10 on May 16, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    it does not feel any better, and i still feel manipulated.



  63.  #63Ankita on May 16, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    I have a some QUESTIONS….

    1) I have noticed one thing… When we give ‘no boyfriend’ speech or anything as such, guys turn defensive and angry… And sometimes they even start abusing…

    In that case, what should be done???

    2) I have also noticed one thing that when guys turn defensive and attack me, I attack back… I feel angry… I hate it when they don’t ACCEPT that they can’t get away with their way and won’t get what they want… I hate it when TRY TO CONTROL my way of thinking.. I hate it when they TRY to make me think like they are the BEST THING HAPPENED TO ME ever… I hate it when they say YOU WON’T EVER GET ANY BETTER GUY THAN ME…

    I recall a situation with a guy which turned quite ugly. The guy was ugghhh…. He asked for a nude pic of mine. Of course I refused it. I said, “am not a public property, even my guy never had any such pic of mine.”
    He, “He perhaps won’t need it even. He must have seen that in real. We can’t see that in real, so I wanna have your such pic.”

    I felt like, WTF… What am I???? It’s my personal matter that with whom I do what. I don’t have to kiss-and-tell.

    Then I stopped responding to his msges. After a lot of bothering, I replied, “M not having this convo. I don’t want to talk to you, that’s it.”
    He, “Come down on earth, girl. Come to our city, and we will show you where you stand. You are so proud of your looks naa. It’s me who’s approaching you, else guys will treat you like a a dirt.”

    Needless to say, I attacked back after hearing this. I felt like thrashing him. How dare he say that to me? When he didn’t get his needs met, the grapes turned sour.

    When I reminded him, that just 1 week before, I was the most b’ful girl in the world for him, and now when I turned him down, I should come down on earth. Pretty funny…!!

    Then he replied, “Oh. So trustworthy you are. Let’s end this convo here. You think you are great, and I was just trying to show you mirror.”

    I replied, “I don’t need your damn broken mirror. The panel of judges aren’t a fool to crown me, ok? If you don’t think am good enough, plz don’t talk to me. Go to people who you think are better than me. I don’t want to talk to any guy who doesn’t appreciates me and thinks of me as good as I think.”
    He, “Muaahh…”

    And that was the end.

    But I felt so frustrated by this guy, I wish I could shoot him with gun.

    How should I handle this kind of situation, if it ever arises in future??????? Coz he perhaps isn’t the one alone. Most of the people are like that only, perhaps….

    3) I am quite young and have a long way to go before I marry… When I date guys, they straight away ask me to get committed to them, and since I wanna explore my options, I say I don’t wanna get committed right now, I wanna date other guys too. And then they ask me, “What do you think of yourself, that you will choose the best for yourself?” When I reply, “Oh.. So you mean to say I should be along for just whatever, and shouldn’t have my own choices etc, right.?” Then they say, “I don’t mean that?” Then me, “Ok. So explain me what you mean?”

    I hate this attitude in men. I wanna know what should be my feeling message in this situation, coz I can’t use the word “marriage’ right now (I can’t use, “I am looking to get married, so it feels better to keep my options open.”) , and when there’s not marriage, they ask me to get exclusive with them….

    I hate it when they think that all I need is ANY man. They behave as if ANY man will DO, & the qualities I appreciate and like DON’T MATTER.

    I hate this attitude in them.



  64.  #64Turtle Girl on May 16, 2010 at 4:47 pm

    Hi Ankita-
    Oh wow I do know what you mean about men and them amking you mad and their reactions. They want to own us from the first date, and at the same time, when they have us, they don’t want us. They love the chase and the ownership and control. *sigh*

    Chartering the men waters can be tricky business.

    I do not mean to tell you what to do-but your convo smacks of some kind of trigger. When things make me mad I know I have a lesson of some kind to be learning. What is the message. Why get so pissed at them for them. They are being men. or figure out how to perfect and refine the BF speech so that it does not piss them off so bad. Or who cares if they are mad? If your self esteem if such that you are stating your boundaries and ok with that, then who cares what they think.

    I do know this, and I don’t know much really-but attacking back is a recipe for disaster. It is like pouring gasoline on a brush fire-poof! Ignite!
    And it never goes well.

    Fact is the qualities you want DO MATTER and they matter to YOU. So, if they are going to go away then good riddance.



  65.  #65Turtle Girl on May 16, 2010 at 4:49 pm

    Oh and-
    I have had guys ask for nudes of me before-I simply state – I don’t give out nude pictures to men.
    End of story. If he presses me I totally ignore him after that. They always come back and apologize, and the ones who don’t are not men I want to hang out with.



  66.  #66Daria on May 16, 2010 at 6:00 pm

    I just went on a circular date! it felt nice!!

    i feel sexually desirous… i didn’t feel like having sex with this man though, i want to get to know him better… i find myself thinking about how he’s from the same town that my friends are, and some of my exes know him, etc etc…

    i dont want him as a lover at this point

    it felt nice being with him though



  67.  #67mary on May 16, 2010 at 6:07 pm

    I got stood up at the Moka House, but what a beautiful day! and I was outside.

    i stayed only 30 minutes and then left. and there was a very sincere apology not in my Inbox as soon as I got home.

    This really is quite fun.



  68.  #68mary on May 16, 2010 at 6:10 pm

    i mean there was a sincere apology IN my Inbox.



  69.  #69mary on May 16, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    i mean, being stood up is never fun. but there were a lot of single men going in and out, and a few of them struck up a conversation with me because i was sitting there in the front where people went in.

    getting the apology and the “i really do want to meet you” and all that were good.

    i don’t know. it’s just so much easier dating this way than getting all excited about just one guy. it such good balance.



  70.  #70Sherry on May 16, 2010 at 7:41 pm

    I have a question.. How do I tell the men I am CD they are not the only one? I mean some of them just assume.. it is so obvious. Do I bring it up? Like if they ask am I busy do I say yes and tell them I have a date? Or do I wait for them to specifically ask me if I am dating other men?



  71.  #71Lynn on May 16, 2010 at 7:58 pm

    ok… Rori and girls, please help me out…

    I have been trying the lean back tool with my husband. It seems like it works but he looks at me sometimes and just has a smirk like he’s laughing at me, its mostly when I’m using my feeling messages. What does this mean….is it good or bad??? It makes me feel little, like he’s making fun of me. But the sex has improved dramatically…..ahhhhh I’m soooo confused!!!! 🙁



  72.  #72Tina on May 16, 2010 at 8:02 pm

    Tallgirl, I would just forget about the kiss situation. I wouldnt go into a feeling message with him about it at all forget it, wipe it out of your brain permanantly. He may call again, who knows? maybe he wont. If he does call, dont bring up the kiss situation at all, dont explain, dont thank him for reaching out or anything notta!. Remember he is free therapy so go for it 🙂 Next time if there is a next time, dont wait or lean forward for a kiss, just say good night, I feel good about our date, I had fun or something like that.



  73.  #73Tina on May 16, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    Truckman says, He is in love with me and its sickening, he feels retarded and laughed about it , what does that mean. I didnt ask 🙂



  74.  #74Tina on May 16, 2010 at 8:06 pm

    I laughed too because it was so out of the blue, then we continued feeling each other up 🙂



  75.  #75Tina on May 16, 2010 at 8:11 pm

    Oh yeah, he said that he was going to fix my door something about a screw needing to be tighened, he mentioned it like three times but hasnt got to it yet. I wonder what I should say like, Oh, thank you I feel so safe and protected by you, I feel like giving you a big wet kiss 🙂



  76.  #76tallgirl10 on May 16, 2010 at 8:11 pm

    He just texted me about an hour ago.

    Him – How is the ankle treating you?

    Me (an hour later) – It feels much better, thanks! The vet decided not to put me down after all. Did you end up buying a tuba?

    This response was based on the concert we went to. He said the tuba was his favorite. I felt like asking how his weekend was when we did not discuss it was leaning forward.

    Thoughts? I know I have to have a conversation with him sooner than later, but text is not the way to do it.



  77.  #77Tina on May 16, 2010 at 8:25 pm

    I called him just to say, the door is still jarred, he said oh shit, I forgot the screw driver (i have one) I’ll fix it for sure next time im there. I said thank you, I would feel so protected and safe 🙂 he said yes, I want you to feel protected and safe, I said yes, that feels good hearing you say that and when you come down ,I’m going to give you a big wet kiss 🙂 he said uh where ? (laugh) I said well as a matter of fact you can have your way with me 🙂 oh he said ill be back with a truckload of screwdrivers then lol. He said ok I’m going to put them all in my truck tonight so I dont forget. I said ok talk to you later. He said ok , that he promised he would have the tools this time 🙂



  78.  #78Tina on May 16, 2010 at 8:46 pm

    Today he said “do you want to drive?” i said ok sure. I took that as direction like “can you make me a sandwich ? *wink daria 🙂 I felt like it so I did. I drove through the woods until I didnt feel like driving anymore. I just said I dont feel like driving, he said ok, and he laughed. He brought up that he still notices that I have not offered to cook him any food lol. He said that it ddint matter he still wants to marry me even if I never cooked him anything in his life. When I called about the door needing fixing still, he said he was thinking of me all the way home and missed me more and misses me even more that I called him, which is something I rarely do. This is all with just a few of Rori’s tools, I dont know if I’m “doing” it right but seems so…

    I make mistakes, I kept cutting him off when we talked about “living togehter forever after” and my fears and doubts I feel about it. He’s making plans for out future together.



  79.  #79Tina on May 16, 2010 at 8:51 pm

    Tallgirl, I woudlnt ask him how the weekend went for him , the date I mean. if anything he would ask you, if he does bring it up and dont bring up unless he asks you. I would say I felt envious/jealous of the girl dancing, he says why? say all the guys where looking at her, including you , I felt jealous then 🙂 The concert was great thank you I had a great time , the music was great! 🙂 oh I felt a little awkward about the kiss situation too 🙂 he will ask why? um well, I felt weird because you didnt kiss me first 🙂 and I wanted you too. I felt like kissing you first since you didnt. What do you think?



  80.  #80Daria on May 16, 2010 at 9:04 pm

    I feel so sad

    I feel afraid I feel judgemental of myself my voice says im taking the easy way out of this bullshit

    i feel so powerless

    i have fantasies of going and yelling at my godsister in front of everybody in the neighborhood

    and i feel afraid

    all it will happen is she will attakc me and we’ll have a big fight,

    would that stop her i don’t know

    doesn’t seem reasonable

    i feel embarassed i would feel humiliated and weird and icky to get in a fight with her in front of all these people who don’t know me and would judge me maybe

    i feel ashamed of letting that stop me

    i feel like such a coward

    awwwwoowewwoowwwwww

    it hurts it hurts i feel so saddddd

    i am such a coward and i hate that shit i hate that shit i hate that shit

    its what i hate most about myself is being afraid of people hitting me wtf

    wtf????

    i dont even really lose fights i feel like such a coward for being afraid in the first place

    my sister seems like shes never afraid she always feels free to yell at someone or whatever, well maybe not some certain people but still

    i feel envious of that

    and i feel worried there is gonna be no more of her

    no more of her because im too much of a coward to go over there and get into a fight with her now that shes still alive

    she must not be my sister then

    shes my godsister and she was like forget her number and attakced me thru the phone wtf now

    if she were my real sister i wouldnt feel so embarassed i would feel free to go bully her into saving her life

    or would i theres no telling as i dont have a “real” sister

    just a “made” sister that tells me to lose her number and wants tro drink when shes just recovered from that emergency situation caused by drinking

    i feel so sad

    i feel so afraid because logically she is going to die

    i feel so HORRIBLE ABOUT MYSELF!!!!!!!

    I DO NOT WANT TO BE AFRAID OF PEOPLE’s JUDGEMENTS OR OF FIGHTS

    I FEEL HUMILIATED AND SHOWN FOR WHAT A PUNK I AM

    I AM SUCH A PUNK I WONT EVEN GO TRY AND SAVE M”Y OWN BEST FRIEND THAT I CALL MY SISTERRRRRrr

    wwaaaaaahhhh

    i feel awful

    i feel so powerless

    omgggg

    what if i do something like this with my kids!!! to where i don’t have the gung ho to go save their asses because im too scaredddd

    how horrirbly embarassing and shameful!!!

    i feel soooo badddddddddd

    i hate myself i really dooooooo

    i try and try and im getting better but still i feel too scared

    too scared to act on time

    to little too late

    always too little too late oh

    please help me

    please hear me and help me i feel ashamed and awfulll

    oh Goddess who is not afraid Kali help meeee

    i embrace this part of myself that i feel shame of

    i feel horribly angry at it

    and i love it anyway

    i can barely stand the idea of being a coward and a punk who doesnt protect her family

    and i love myself

    even tho i feel choked up

    and i feel numb

    and judgemental

    and furious

    and i guess ill take a lil babystep

    toward this part who cant

    who is a coward

    who would let her own family get hurt and abused (ack fear shame)

    i feel

    such ickyness

    hi part of me

    i am here

    i want to be your friend
    and hear you

    and i am in charge

    here is a rose from me

    i feel werid and awkward

    it feels difficult to feel loving toward you teh way i would toward a child that doesnt seem to like me

    i feel so uncomfortable

    and i want to love you anway

    even though i dont know how

    i want to forgive you and be forgiven

    even though i feel terrified

    would you help me be more whole?

    yes

    thank you

    ok

    ohhh

    this part has turned into an infant

    im so sorry i judged you

    awww
    you are just a baby

    i feel soo sadddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

    i feel so saddddddddddddddddd

    i feel so dsaddddddddddd

    lil baby

    i feeel so saddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

    i feel so sadddddddddd

    i love you i love you

    i am here fro you

    i am so sorryyyy

    i love you i lov eyou

    awwww

    pooer baby

    i feel like im gonna be sick

    i feel so dad

    i choose to always talk to you now, and you to me

    and im in charge

    and i choose to do what makes me bigger and stronger

    thank you for helping me be more whole

    i love you

    i love you pretty baby

    i feel so sad

    sigh

    i love you baby

    ummm

    im gonna take you with me now up

    because

    i dont want to leave you here alone
    as a baby

    would that be ok

    ok

    here we go now

    i feel so sad

    were going up on out of here

    i feel so many tears

    im taking you with me baby

    and we’ll always be together

    and youre safe with me now

    thank u
    for waiting so long

    i wont abandon you

    i promise

    come on

    and up the stairs we go

    thank you all who helped in this

    thank u

    i feel strong and safe holding the baby. i feel in my mohtering energy. i feel alert. i feel a little numb.

    i love my feelings

    i feel a little tightened up around my throat
    and i love my feelings

    i feel the babys weight on my chest
    and her arms around my neck

    i feel the baby growing

    and slipping down

    and growing into an adult

    a goddess
    who smiles

    and says bye
    bye beatiful lit goddess

    thank u

    i feel a lilttle alone

    and a little cold in teh breeze now

    and a little blank

    and left

    thank u

    i want to leave now

    the goddess hugs me

    bye!!!

    tahnk u

    im out of here

    up the steps

    back to here



  81.  #81Tina on May 16, 2010 at 9:15 pm

    Daria, I have a friend like that, we’ve been friends for twenty years but she is still drinking a lot like everyday now, she almost burnt down her apartment building yikes! there is nothing I can do for her. I’ve not talked to her, we did spend a lot of time together, but her drinking is really bad now plus she has a life long serious illness, im amazed that she is still alive and somewhat in good health.



  82.  #82Daria on May 16, 2010 at 9:22 pm

    Tina – i dont think this bitch is gonna make it that long if i did then i wouldnt be trippin

    this bitch was in the hospital for a year gettin 8 gallons 8 gallons of fluid pumped out her stomach everyday, they thought she wasnt gonna make it is on the fuckin liver transplant list

    they put a shunt in her liver and amazingly her swelling stopped

    she hadnt drank in that year either, she was swollen up like a octuplet mom

    they had to do surgery to put her bellybutton back in

    this bitch just got right when some months ago
    now this bitch is drinking agian wtf

    is wrong with this bitch

    i praye dand prayed for her ass nd GOD saved her i finally felt safe and now

    she fuckin is doing this wtf is wrong with this bitch!!!!!!!!!!

    i want to fuckin FORCE HER to say that she is wrong and shouldnt be drinking what woudl that do

    would that fuckin do anything???

    does it do anything for people to force crackheads to stop smoking crack???

    maybe it does

    or doesnt it

    does it depend

    hello does anybody have an answer of wat the fuck

    WAT THE FUCCCCK

    i didnt sign up for this shit you stupdi ass BITCH

    I HATE YOU!!!!!

    I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111

    I HEAT YOU SO MUHCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh



  83.  #83Daria on May 16, 2010 at 9:24 pm

    oops it was 8 gallons a week haha

    a week omgosh.. that shit just stopped

    what is wrong with this bitch

    she feels bored and unhappy just sitting in bed watching tv thats wassup

    drinking makes her feel happy and fun thas wassup

    i know cuz it does me too!!!!

    wawwaaaaahhh

    but im trying to find happiness other ways

    and ok

    so i sit in the house on the computer everyday but so what

    i KNOW IM GONNA FIND HAPPINESSSFFFFFFFFfffff

    grrrrrrrrrrrrr

    wassshhhhhhh

    i feel so much cryinggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggadgdgdgd



  84.  #84Daria on May 16, 2010 at 9:27 pm

    this bitch will be lucky if she makes it 3 months

    thats what my thought says

    im writing y ou down thought cuz i dont want you to hex me or her on the under

    i want this bitch to live and be happy

    you hear me universe!!!

    stop fuckin sabotaging SHIT

    I DONT CARE
    if i feel like i am sometimes attracted to her babydadddyyyf

    i WANT THIS BITCH TO MAKE IT AND BE HAPPY

    thatis LIVE AND BE HAPPY

    i DO NOT!! WNAT to secretly subvert this with some secret super powers

    idd you know i wanted ot kill guywhohadababy’s ex girfriend and she died in a motorcycle accident?

    this was after i wanted to kill her but still

    im just worrieddddffffffffffffffffff

    i dont want this bitch to die

    are we capish on this

    hello all parts of Daria. I draw you all together. And i am setting the clear and unshakeable intent

    that i want my godson’s mom to live and be happy

    andi want to have a hapy relationship with her THANK YOU.



  85.  #85Daria on May 16, 2010 at 9:44 pm

    This is what i’m planning to do. Article by Anisa Aven:

    Surrogate Tapping EFT… Wow! Nooooooo…. Could it really be?!?

    That’s exactly what you will say after you experience the
    miraculous shifts from doing surrogate EFT on someone you
    love.

    Helena had a very serious conflict with her in-laws. They
    were condescending and disrespectful. When they came to
    visit their grand-baby, they disregarded every request Helena
    made. If Helena said, “no milk” they gave him “milk”. If
    Helena said, “no disposable diapers” they went out and
    stocked the house with Pampers. It did not matter what she
    asked of them, they refused to follow her wishes.
    Additionally, they were very vocal and arrogant about their
    disapproval of her as a mother.

    Helena believed there was nothing she could do to change the
    situation, except ban them from her home. She said,
    “They’ve always been this way. Even when I first started
    dating their son, they ignored our requests for personal
    space, meddled in our lives constantly and always
    disrespected our lifestyle choices. I really don’t like them
    at all.”

    After surrogate EFT, Helena now LOVES her in-laws. She
    enjoys their company now! They show more respect about how
    she and her husband choose to raise their children.
    Additionally, they not only follow her requests regarding
    parenting choices but she has overheard them talking about
    what a great mother she is.

    When you begin applying surrogate EFT, you too will go
    through several rounds of awe, – “I’m absolutely amazed this
    worked” followed by disbelief and rational denial – “…no,
    it’s just a coincidence and cannot possibly be permanent”,
    followed by a curious guilt “…is it ethical to influence
    others in this way?”

    Finally, you’ll begin to accept responsibility for what you
    created: “Okay, if I did influence this situation what else
    could I influence?” You’ll feel a great sense of gratitude
    for the changes occurring and realize beyond doubt that you
    influenced a previously ‘helpless’ situation in a positive
    manner. And, you did it intentionally: “I can no longer
    deny that the ONLY thing that could have possibly changed
    this situation was the surrogate EFT that I did.”

    “I wonder what would happen if I did a little surrogate EFT
    on this situation over here….???”

    My son, Parker, plays football and Lacrosse -two rough
    sports. I’m not willing to be the weenie mom that says “No
    way, I’m afraid!” So I’ve had to do enough EFT on my fears
    to at least not negatively co-create and influence the
    situation. During an Autumn Lacrosse game, he had a bad
    collision. The orthopedic surgeon said, “it’s a slap tear
    and the only solution is surgery.” My son, having been
    raised with the belief that we are powerful creators waited
    until we were alone. He said, “Mom, can we heal this? I
    don’t want surgery.” I said, “Yes, we can. But, we have a
    lot of work to do and we can’t slack on this one.” We EFT’d
    all the way home. Then, I did surrogate EFT all night. I
    did surrogate EFT until I couldn’t think straight any
    longer.

    The next day we saw another orthopedic doctor. We
    intentionally withheld the previous doctor’s opinions in
    hopes that this doctor could make a fresh call based on the
    current vibrational influences that we (Parker and I) had
    newly established. The doctor said, “Well, I don’t see
    anything on this MRI that says we need surgery. Let’s do
    physical therapy and rest. I think it’ll heal in about 6 to
    8 weeks.”

    We were in awe. In fact, we attempted to dismiss the
    situation by saying, “the first doctor just misread the
    data.” Then, 6 months later, I had another opportunity to
    tap again. In football practice, Parker was tackling a
    much, much, much larger boy! His arm snapped back and the
    pain was excruciating. I was at the office and couldn’t get
    to him fast enough so my honey, Parker’s step-dad, picked
    him up and took him to the emergency room. Parker was
    convinced it was broken as was the coach.

    I stayed at home and did surrogate EFT. There was a back-log at the
    emergency room and the doctors could not see Parker right
    away. Shortly, Parker decided he wanted to take off the
    wrap and try out his hand. Within two hours, he decided
    there was nothing wrong and he was ready to come home. He
    was sore for about a week. We will never know if it was
    just a mistaken analysis on our part or the surrogate EFT
    that altered his reality.

    The awakening to your conscious power is a moment you will
    never forget. It’s a moment of no turning back. You may
    even feel a sense of regret for not knowing your power
    sooner and for not being aware of Surrogate EFT earlier.
    You might start to fantasize, “If only I had known surrogate
    EFT when this was happening….!” If you allow yourself,
    you’ll end up mourning the opportunity lost over past
    failures and heartaches. If you must, go ahead and quickly
    mourn those losses. Then, put your foot down and
    consciously forgive yourself for doing the best you could at
    the time. Let the loss go and consciously choose to move
    forward, fully embrace your new friend, surrogate-tapping EFT,
    and your unlimited potential.

    The realization that just maybe you are not so helpless and
    powerless after all will set you on a path of renewed
    passion. You’ll realize that you are a powerful being;
    fully capable of intentionally influencing and co-creating
    your relationships in positive and powerful ways.

    In fact, my advice is that you be very clear about what you
    really want, because when you start intentionally tapping
    you will get it. K. had resigned to living with an alcoholic
    that she despised. Her husband spent more time at the bar
    than at home and when he was at home he was a mean drunk
    even when he was sober. While uncomfortable she was not yet
    ready to change course. It served a greater purpose to stay
    put…for now. She learned of surrogate EFT and thought she’d
    give it a whirl, “what have I got to lose?” After only a
    couple of rounds, her husband began spending less and less
    time at the bar. After a few weeks of surrogate EFT, he was
    no longer drinking. She wrote to me, “This surrogate EFT is
    unbelievable. However, I’ve learned that I better be careful
    what I go asking for! He’s at home full time now, not
    drinking and not spending all day at the bar. What was I
    thinking?!? I have become so used to him not being around
    and now I realize I actually prefer his absence. Now, he’s
    home so much I can’t stand it!”

    Melissa and Angela were ready to start their families.
    Melissa was 36, her biological clock was like a daily alarm
    but her husband kept postponing. He assured her that he’d
    be ready eventually, but just not yet. We did a few rounds
    of surrogate EFT together. Then Melissa practiced alone. It
    was not more than 24 hours later that Melissa called at
    11:30 PM with a voice-mail, “I’m so sorry for calling so late
    but I can’t wait until morning to tell you. He came home
    with a dozen roses and said honey I’m ready to remove the
    goalie! I burst into tears of joy!” Within 4 months,
    Melissa was pregnant and they now have a beautiful, healthy
    baby boy named Trevor.

    Surrogate EFT is perhaps the most consistently powerful tool
    I’ve ever used and had the privilege of witnessing.
    However, it would not be fair to mislead you into believing
    that surrogate EFT will always make situations the way you
    believe you want them to be. This is not the case. The
    situation may or may not turn out according to how you think
    you want it. It does, however, turn out according to the
    higher good and Divine Order of all parties involved.
    Sometimes you just have to trust the situation and patiently
    wait for the resolution to make itself known.

    Angela was 32 and also ready to start a family. She decided
    to try surrogate EFT as well. She shared with me her fear
    that her husband really didn’t want children and that maybe
    she married the wrong man. We EFT’d around her fears and did
    surrogate EFT for her husband. Within 3 months, he came
    clean and told Angela the truth that he didn’t want
    children. A few weeks later he had a vasectomy. Angela
    courageously made the tough decision to move on. This was
    two years ago, she is happily remarried and expecting her
    first child.

    As a mom and as a conscious creator, I know in my heart and
    soul the Truth about this how surrogate EFT has helped my
    family and my magnificent relationship with my honey. I
    also know why my children are the healthiest of all their
    friends and cousins. I do not know what I would ever do
    without surrogate EFT and intentionality.

    I’ve only touched the very tip of the iceberg of the
    stories that I could share with you regarding EFT and
    Surrogate Tapping! And, I intend intend to share more including the actual
    steps for HOW TO DO SURROGATE TAPPING.

    In fact, I’ve included a video below on the actual surrogate tapping protocol. Watch your inbox for the next in this series.

    In the mean time, it’s very important that I
    acknowledge Gary Craig, the founder of EFT at
    http://www.EmoFree.com and his original protocal. While this
    article series are my good-faith attempts to share what I’ve
    learned, I am very clear that Gary Craig has many, many more
    hours invested in his protocol and methodology that is
    proven and working for thousands of teachers and students.
    I highly encourage you to research and read the online
    stories at his site as well as learn the traditional version
    of EFT as taught by this amazing man. I especially request
    that you read his manual and view his videos before teaching
    my methods to others.

    See a video with a Surrogate EFT tapping example:

    http://www.byoaudio.com/playv/WKH2LpSk

    Surrogate Tapping – EFT – Example: My Teenager Argues too Much!



  86.  #86Daria on May 16, 2010 at 9:45 pm

    This is what i’m planning to do. Article by Anisa Aven:

    Surrogate Tapping EFT… Wow! Nooooooo…. Could it really be?!?

    That’s exactly what you will say after you experience the
    miraculous shifts from doing surrogate EFT on someone you
    love.

    Helena had a very serious conflict with her in-laws. They
    were condescending and disrespectful. When they came to
    visit their grand-baby, they disregarded every request Helena
    made. If Helena said, “no milk” they gave him “milk”. If
    Helena said, “no disposable diapers” they went out and
    stocked the house with Pampers. It did not matter what she
    asked of them, they refused to follow her wishes.
    Additionally, they were very vocal and arrogant about their
    disapproval of her as a mother.

    Helena believed there was nothing she could do to change the
    situation, except ban them from her home. She said,
    “They’ve always been this way. Even when I first started
    dating their son, they ignored our requests for personal
    space, meddled in our lives constantly and always
    disrespected our lifestyle choices. I really don’t like them
    at all.”

    After surrogate EFT, Helena now LOVES her in-laws. She
    enjoys their company now! They show more respect about how
    she and her husband choose to raise their children.
    Additionally, they not only follow her requests regarding
    parenting choices but she has overheard them talking about
    what a great mother she is.

    When you begin applying surrogate EFT, you too will go
    through several rounds of awe, – “I’m absolutely amazed this
    worked” followed by disbelief and rational denial – “…no,
    it’s just a coincidence and cannot possibly be permanent”,
    followed by a curious guilt “…is it ethical to influence
    others in this way?”

    Finally, you’ll begin to accept responsibility for what you
    created: “Okay, if I did influence this situation what else
    could I influence?” You’ll feel a great sense of gratitude
    for the changes occurring and realize beyond doubt that you
    influenced a previously ‘helpless’ situation in a positive
    manner. And, you did it intentionally: “I can no longer
    deny that the ONLY thing that could have possibly changed
    this situation was the surrogate EFT that I did.”

    “I wonder what would happen if I did a little surrogate EFT
    on this situation over here….???”

    My son, Parker, plays football and Lacrosse -two rough
    sports. I’m not willing to be the weenie mom that says “No
    way, I’m afraid!” So I’ve had to do enough EFT on my fears
    to at least not negatively co-create and influence the
    situation. During an Autumn Lacrosse game, he had a bad
    collision. The orthopedic surgeon said, “it’s a slap tear
    and the only solution is surgery.” My son, having been
    raised with the belief that we are powerful creators waited
    until we were alone. He said, “Mom, can we heal this? I
    don’t want surgery.” I said, “Yes, we can. But, we have a
    lot of work to do and we can’t slack on this one.” We EFT’d
    all the way home. Then, I did surrogate EFT all night. I
    did surrogate EFT until I couldn’t think straight any
    longer.

    The next day we saw another orthopedic doctor. We
    intentionally withheld the previous doctor’s opinions in
    hopes that this doctor could make a fresh call based on the
    current vibrational influences that we (Parker and I) had
    newly established. The doctor said, “Well, I don’t see
    anything on this MRI that says we need surgery. Let’s do
    physical therapy and rest. I think it’ll heal in about 6 to
    8 weeks.”

    We were in awe. In fact, we attempted to dismiss the
    situation by saying, “the first doctor just misread the
    data.” Then, 6 months later, I had another opportunity to
    tap again. In football practice, Parker was tackling a
    much, much, much larger boy! His arm snapped back and the
    pain was excruciating. I was at the office and couldn’t get
    to him fast enough so my honey, Parker’s step-dad, picked
    him up and took him to the emergency room. Parker was
    convinced it was broken as was the coach.

    I stayed at home and did surrogate EFT. There was a back-log at the
    emergency room and the doctors could not see Parker right
    away. Shortly, Parker decided he wanted to take off the
    wrap and try out his hand. Within two hours, he decided
    there was nothing wrong and he was ready to come home. He
    was sore for about a week. We will never know if it was
    just a mistaken analysis on our part or the surrogate EFT
    that altered his reality.

    The awakening to your conscious power is a moment you will
    never forget. It’s a moment of no turning back. You may
    even feel a sense of regret for not knowing your power
    sooner and for not being aware of Surrogate EFT earlier.
    You might start to fantasize, “If only I had known surrogate
    EFT when this was happening….!” If you allow yourself,
    you’ll end up mourning the opportunity lost over past
    failures and heartaches. If you must, go ahead and quickly
    mourn those losses. Then, put your foot down and
    consciously forgive yourself for doing the best you could at
    the time. Let the loss go and consciously choose to move
    forward, fully embrace your new friend, surrogate-tapping EFT,
    and your unlimited potential.

    The realization that just maybe you are not so helpless and
    powerless after all will set you on a path of renewed
    passion. You’ll realize that you are a powerful being;
    fully capable of intentionally influencing and co-creating
    your relationships in positive and powerful ways.

    In fact, my advice is that you be very clear about what you
    really want, because when you start intentionally tapping
    you will get it. K. had resigned to living with an alcoholic
    that she despised. Her husband spent more time at the bar
    than at home and when he was at home he was a mean drunk
    even when he was sober. While uncomfortable she was not yet
    ready to change course. It served a greater purpose to stay
    put…for now. She learned of surrogate EFT and thought she’d
    give it a whirl, “what have I got to lose?” After only a
    couple of rounds, her husband began spending less and less
    time at the bar. After a few weeks of surrogate EFT, he was
    no longer drinking. She wrote to me, “This surrogate EFT is
    unbelievable. However, I’ve learned that I better be careful
    what I go asking for! He’s at home full time now, not
    drinking and not spending all day at the bar. What was I
    thinking?!? I have become so used to him not being around
    and now I realize I actually prefer his absence. Now, he’s
    home so much I can’t stand it!”

    Melissa and Angela were ready to start their families.
    Melissa was 36, her biological clock was like a daily alarm
    but her husband kept postponing. He assured her that he’d
    be ready eventually, but just not yet. We did a few rounds
    of surrogate EFT together. Then Melissa practiced alone. It
    was not more than 24 hours later that Melissa called at
    11:30 PM with a voice-mail, “I’m so sorry for calling so late
    but I can’t wait until morning to tell you. He came home
    with a dozen roses and said honey I’m ready to remove the
    goalie! I burst into tears of joy!” Within 4 months,
    Melissa was pregnant and they now have a beautiful, healthy
    baby boy named Trevor.

    Surrogate EFT is perhaps the most consistently powerful tool
    I’ve ever used and had the privilege of witnessing.
    However, it would not be fair to mislead you into believing
    that surrogate EFT will always make situations the way you
    believe you want them to be. This is not the case. The
    situation may or may not turn out according to how you think
    you want it. It does, however, turn out according to the
    higher good and Divine Order of all parties involved.
    Sometimes you just have to trust the situation and patiently
    wait for the resolution to make itself known.

    Angela was 32 and also ready to start a family. She decided
    to try surrogate EFT as well. She shared with me her fear
    that her husband really didn’t want children and that maybe
    she married the wrong man. We EFT’d around her fears and did
    surrogate EFT for her husband. Within 3 months, he came
    clean and told Angela the truth that he didn’t want
    children. A few weeks later he had a vasectomy. Angela
    courageously made the tough decision to move on. This was
    two years ago, she is happily remarried and expecting her
    first child.

    As a mom and as a conscious creator, I know in my heart and
    soul the Truth about this how surrogate EFT has helped my
    family and my magnificent relationship with my honey. I
    also know why my children are the healthiest of all their
    friends and cousins. I do not know what I would ever do
    without surrogate EFT and intentionality.

    I’ve only touched the very tip of the iceberg of the
    stories that I could share with you regarding EFT and
    Surrogate Tapping! And, I intend intend to share more including the actual
    steps for HOW TO DO SURROGATE TAPPING.

    In fact, I’ve included a video below on the actual surrogate tapping protocol. Watch your inbox for the next in this series.

    In the mean time, it’s very important that I
    acknowledge Gary Craig, the founder of EFT at
    EmoFree.com and his original protocol. While this
    article series are my good-faith attempts to share what I’ve
    learned, I am very clear that Gary Craig has many, many more
    hours invested in his protocol and methodology that is
    proven and working for thousands of teachers and students.
    I highly encourage you to research and read the online
    stories at his site as well as learn the traditional version
    of EFT as taught by this amazing man. I especially request
    that you read his manual and view his videos before teaching
    my methods to others.

    See a video with a Surrogate EFT tapping example:

    http://www.byoaudio.com/playv/WKH2LpSk

    Surrogate Tapping – EFT – Example: My Teenager Argues too Much!



  87.  #87Daria on May 16, 2010 at 9:55 pm

    “But what do I say when doing EFT or surrogate tapping EFT?”

    This is the most frequently asked question I receive –
    “…what do I say when I do surrogate tapping?”

    The answer is so easy that you’ll likely doubt that it could
    be effective. It IS effective and it IS simple.
    Listen closely because I have something
    VERY important that I want you to remember!

    The only way to get this wrong is by NOT tapping!

    Even if you stumble, stutter, mess-up, slur things together
    and feel completely inadequate doing the tapping – it
    doesn’t matter! You cannot get it wrong. Eventually, with
    practice, you will learn how to get it more right but you
    cannot get it wrong unless you just don’t tap.

    For now,realize that your higher self knows your intentions. Your
    Inner Being knows what you want to create. Therefore, as
    you proceed with tapping, no matter how ineptly you tap,
    your Inner Being will direct the intention underneath the
    surrogate tapping in a positive way.

    Seasoned EFT practitioners and experts know
    that there are ways to do EFT more effectively. And, we
    know that there are times when EFT doesn’t work ‘as well’
    without some finagling. As you proceed with learning the
    process, you’ll learn the ‘tricks’ to use when there are
    bigger blocks.

    (Hint: one trick is to be more specific, for example. If EFT is
    not working, BE REALLY, REALLY CRAZILY SPECIFIC; down
    to the tiniest of details and see if this doesn’t make a
    difference!)

    In the mean time, as you’re figuring this out, just start tapping whatever
    comes to mind and know that it’s working just because you’re
    doing it!

    Surrogate Tapping Video Example:

    S. discovered that her boss makes decisions from his
    political motivation to get ahead as opposed to what’s right
    or morally correct. S. ’stirred up trouble at work’ when
    she questioned his methods. I recorded a round of Surrogate
    EFT on ‘the boss man’ to create greater peace within (for
    S.) as well as inspire the best from ‘the boss man.’

    http://www.byoaudio.com/playv/Wbl08vWk

    Update…. I emailed S. to ask her permission and share with
    her the video of this surrogate tapping round. Below, is
    her reply after she met with her boss last Friday:

    An updated note from S.:

    “Dear Anisa, …the surrogate tapping for BM (Boss Man) really
    worked! I’m so excited! So what came out of that meeting
    is that he had taken it as a personal attack. I sensed their
    relief and I thanked them for addressing the issue before
    too much time and ill feelings developed. They at times
    were somewhat emotional but I kept it strictly logical. I
    could feel the anger rising at times and I thought about
    something you mentioned in the surrogate EFT video yesterday
    – the 3rd person point of view shows more compassion. I was
    able to breathe and respond in a non-threatening way as I
    was feeling compassion. I realized that they felt I was
    attacking their own customer service skills when I
    questioned WHY we are doing it a certain way. And, because
    I wasn’t defensive, that lowered their defenses and it was
    just good all around!”

    I find that Surrogate Tapping always helps, without fail. Sometimes, it seems to just help us to get a better handle on a situation and be more at peace. Other times, it actually inspires a different reaction and outcome for the other person. Either way, surrogate tapping can be the very tool you’ve been looking for to intentionally create positive changes in your relationships.

    Surrogate Tapping “Plug-in-and-tap” Exercise:

    Example: A friend has a son that is experimenting with
    drugs. We’ll call him James. She wants to tap for him but
    doesn’t know what to say. The following exercise walks you
    through the process of figuring out the best ’surrogate
    tapping’ phrases for a situation. Using a piece of paper,
    write down the answers to the following questions and
    actually write out the ’surrogate tapping’ phrases.

    1.Even though…. “I….., You….., He/She…”
    a. Even though I….(1st Person): State the issue from their
    perspective. Say what they say or would say about the issue
    from the first person perspective. Write down the answer to
    the following question.

    If I were ____name of person__ what would I believe to be true about this
    ____situation/problem___?

    If I pretended to be _____name of person___ what would I feel, believe, think about ____this
    situation/problem___?

    I, first person, Example – James’ Drug Problem:

    1.
    ◦“Even though I, James, don’t have a drug problem and I’m
    tired of meddling parents and self-righteous, stick-in-the-
    muds!”
    ◦“Even though, I James, feel very angry that others don’t
    trust me enough to handle my own life.”
    ◦“Even though, I, James, know I can stop whenever I want.”
    ◦“Even though, I, James, don’t want to stop and don’t have
    to because no one can make me.”
    ◦“Even though, I, James, feel irritated because other
    people think there’s something wrong with me.”
    2) YOU…2nd Person: State the issue from your perspective. “Even though, You _____name___…”

    Write down your answer to the following question:

    If you were talking to your friend/loved one, what would you say regarding how you think
    they feel or see things?

    2nd Person Example – James’ Drug Problem:


    ◦Even though, you, James, are in complete denial…
    ◦Even though, you, James, don’t realize you are playing with fire…
    ◦Even though, you, James, think you have it under control, you are ruining your life and could end up dead, on the
    streets, in prison, or you could ruin your entire life…
    3) He/She…3rd Person: State the issue from an outsider’s perspective. This is the objective, 3rd person’s point of view. “Even though he/she___name___…” From the third person perspective, you will seek to be more compassionate, less attached, and more focused upon the positive intent, the Divine Order and the unlimited potential that is at the core of EVERY situation/person. As you may be tapping for the healing of a physical, mental, or even spiritual issue, you may find it necessary to adjust the questions below for relevancy.

    Write down your answer to the following question(s):

    If I could understand ___name of person’s ____ experience from a non-attached point of view, what would I say about
    this situation?

    If I assumed there was a ‘positive intent’ underneath ‘this situation’ what might that be?

    If I assumed there was a Divine Order and Divine Plan at work and relaxed into the Truth that all is well, all the
    time, what might I feel and say about this situation?

    He/She, 3rd Person Example – James’ Drug Problem:


    ◦Even though, He, James, just wants to experience life more fully but he may be doing so in a reckless manner…
    ◦Even though, He, James, has the ability within to make wise and healthy choices…
    ◦Even though, He, James, doesn’t realize how much pain and destruction he could be causing his body and his family…
    ◦Even though, He, James, just wants others to believe in his ability to self-regulate and make his own decisions…
    ◦Even though, He, James is making poor decisions, what if he could allow himself to be his very best? What if he were
    inspired to healthy actions and wise decisions?
    ◦What if, He, James were grounded in a sense of confident certainty that life is really great and he was born for greatness?
    As you can see from the examples above, there’s NO one way
    that is the right way to formulate the structure of the
    surrogate tapping sequences. Just allow yourself to write
    down whatever comes to mind as you walk through the
    ’surrogate tapping plug-in-and-tap’ exercise.



  88.  #88Ankita on May 17, 2010 at 12:38 am

    Turtle Girl

    Yes… They want us and once we are in, most of the times, they are out…

    Ugghh.. Yucky…

    And I know attacking back is a sure recipe for disaster. It has never gone well. At times, his words kept going through my mind for whole wek or so, and it kept me feeling angrier and hatred for him, until I knew that attacking back doesn’t helps, by experience.

    But I don’t know how to control my anger…. I hate it when guys behave like that… I want them to just admit and walk away.. And they, try to show me that they are doing me a favour by asking me out.

    One more case I recall, I refused a guy for a exclusive relationship, he went away, and just after 1 week, emailed me, “Did you get your soulmate? I hope you did..”
    Oh my god…
    I attacked back… And the situation turned so uglyy… He even said my rejection doesn’t matters… I said, Ok, then why are you arguing with me and asking me what do I think of myself? Is it your business to correct my thinking?

    Ugghhhh…..
    I feel like ending the convo there, but when a guy starts abusing, I feel like thrashing him, that how dare you not respect my decision, when I do yours? I feel compelled to attack them, I feel so angry, I find it so hard to stop myself.

    Ugghhhhh….

    Can you help me regarding my feeling message which I asked in the 3rd question??

    I am quite young and have a long way to go before I marry… When I date guys, I wanna explore my options, I say I don’t wanna get committed right now, I wanna date other guys too.

    How should I say that in feeling message.? This question is bothering me a lot… Plz help….



  89.  #89Ankita on May 17, 2010 at 12:39 am

    Daria

    Did you get my email? The audios weren’t getting attached, they had such a large volume, so had to send you the link….

    You got the audios???



  90.  #90tallgirl10 on May 17, 2010 at 3:34 am

    Tina and Ladies,

    I would never bring up the kiss on text, it is too weird.

    So here is what happened – I never asked about the date.

    Him – So how is the ankle treating you?

    Me – It is feeling much better, thanks! The vet decided not to put me down afterall. So did you buy that tuba?

    Him – Alright, I expect that you will be back on your training regime this week. I did not buy the tuba and am looking for a tambourine

    These are not the exact words because I erased them because they make me feel icky. His texts feel distancing to me, or testing. I don’t know. I just want to lean back.

    Ladies – how do I lean back???

    I did not ask about the weekend at all, as you can see. I feel like I don’t even want to respond. So I don’t think I am going to.

    Do I have to? Help!!!!



  91.  #91Jennifer on May 17, 2010 at 3:40 am

    Oh, Daria…I cry for you. My dad’s an alchoholic so I feel some of your pain. Although, he at least manages to acknowlege that he is. He just doesn’t wanna stop. And really he figures that as long as he can get up and go to work every day he’s doin ok.
    I just try to remember something I heard long ago. Maybe it’s buddist…I dunno.
    Anyway the theory is that on the other side of this reality, when we are formless energy, we CHOOSE our next life. We have lessons to learn and experiences to have and we choose.

    Now this certainly flies in the face of other philosophies, but I mean no disrespect.
    It just feels really RIGHT to me. It feels right that souls would choose thier lives and issues so they can work them out. If they don’t get that done this life around, they come back and try again. Sometimes with the same isssues.
    I feel comforted by the idea that my dad is working his shit out this life. I can’t fix it for him…it’s not my job, it’s his cause he chose it.
    So, then if I do remote EFT for him…I do it for clarity. I focus on clarifying this vision. That feels uninvasive to me.
    What do you think, Daria?
    On a totally different note…I got a text from my money friend…while my phone was off…it died at the movies.
    It said “your not a toy was at (the restaurant) in (our town) today.”
    My what?
    I texted her back…my what?
    Maybe she means Major man….well shit. He eats. Nice to know.
    That feels a little wierd to me. Why do I need to know if major man is eating?



  92.  #92tallgirl10 on May 17, 2010 at 4:24 am

    I could really really use your help in leaning back here, please provide suggestions!

    Thanks!



  93.  #93tallgirl10 on May 17, 2010 at 5:25 am

    I am thinking or simply responding with:

    “Never fear, I’ve done four workouts in four days. I’m down, but not out!”

    Or “Never fear, I’ve done four workouts in for days. I’m down but not out! Sounds like band camp may be in your future.”

    Thoughts on either?



  94.  #94Lynn on May 17, 2010 at 6:21 am

    TallGirl,

    Remember the saying..K I S S (keep it simple …) I think just a yep quit trippin’ im still workin out, will do. I think the fact that he txted you is a good sign…as for the whole leaning back thing..who knows, I’m so confussed and starting to doubt that any of this even works ..blah



  95.  #95tallgirl10 on May 17, 2010 at 6:31 am

    lynn,

    Thanks – sorry you are discouraged!



  96.  #96Brenda on May 17, 2010 at 7:37 am

    Tallgirl, RE: #13 – Your Script

    I haven’t read anyone else’s responses yet, but here is mine. It feels good overall. If I were a man, I’d feel overwhelmed like, “What did I do wrong?” Can you feed it to him line by line in person? That would be ideal. Or on the phone if not. I think it is too much if it is for a text or email. I would just give a couple lines of it at a time, whichever way you deliver it. Then he has a chance to respond and he doesn’t feel so overwhelmed.



  97.  #97tallgirl10 on May 17, 2010 at 7:43 am

    Brenda,

    I totally agree. I will not have this conversation by text, I will only do it in person, especially if his behavior remains weird.

    He could be interpreted as:
    A. Not that interested
    B. Trying to move to friends – which i won’t accept
    C. Interested, but overwhelmed enough to dampen his interest
    D. Tired at the end of a long night.

    But I need feedback on the texts. I really want to lean back here, and I really need feedback on how to do it.

    My latest is: “I am still on all of the workouts, just no running. I’m down, but not out! Sounds like band camp may be in your future”

    Thoughts???



  98.  #98Brenda on May 17, 2010 at 7:50 am

    Tallgirl, RE: #15 – Sounds good, but is your goal to end the relationship? That’s what it sounds like when you say I feel concerned about seeing each other anymore. If you want it to continue, I wouldn’t use that line.



  99.  #99mary on May 17, 2010 at 8:00 am

    tallgirl,

    i don’t think i’d even respond to that message. just let it go. you have so many interesting things to do in your life than mull over his hesitation to kiss you. there’s your career. there are your children (if you have any!). there’s your family. there’s what you do for fun! there are your chores. there’s your getting-yourself-together stuff. you are a busy woman.

    if HE mentions it, you say: “kiss or no kiss? remind me of what happened?”



  100.  #100Brenda on May 17, 2010 at 8:55 am

    Daria, RE: #48 – Feeling Messages with your Mom

    I find it interesting that you have similar issues with your Mom as I have with mine! I tried feeling messages with her, too, and got a similar blow-up. I went into, “I feel myself shutting down now.” She attacked again,

    “Oh, yeah, just cut me out. Leave me out of your life.”

    Me: “I don’t feel safe sharing deep feelings with you.”

    Mom: “Why? I love to talk deeply with you. I love to be a part of your life.”

    Me: “I often feel attacked. I feel misunderstood.”

    Mom: “I’m sorry, honey. I understand you completely. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

    Me: “No problem, Mom. I love you!”

    But I made a mental note to myself to not share certain areas with her again. It’s just not emotionally safe and not productive. Too many triggers from childhood. I need to remain in my healing from all the childhood hurts. So I have to be extra-protective of myself around my Mom and brothers.

    Then I miss Ryan, cuz I could share with him at deeper levels than anyone in my life ever. But Siren Island is filling the spot nicely, and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you women!



  101.  #101Tallgirl10 on May 17, 2010 at 8:56 am

    Oh my, ladies. I am not planning on having that conversation – I am still just texting back and forth! If we go out again, and the same thing happens, then I will have that conversation. And I am prepared, thanks to all of you.

    Since he has contacted me, I am feel less concern about continuing to see him.

    He is not asking me about the kiss. He is only doing idle chit chat about my ankle.

    That is what I need the feedback on.



  102.  #102Brenda on May 17, 2010 at 9:12 am

    Hi Ankita, RE: #63 – When a man speaks to you in such a nasty way, recognize it instantly as emotional abuse. You don’t have to tolerate emotional abuse any more than you have to tolerate sexual abuse. Get out!

    You could just not respond at all…he’ll get the message real fast!

    You could say, “I feel disrespected. Good bye.”

    I wouldn’t engage him in conversation beyond that. I like not responding at all best. He does not have a beautiful heart to suddenly be abusive just because you are setting your boundaries. You don’t want to be with him, so why continue the conversation?



  103.  #103Brenda on May 17, 2010 at 9:27 am

    Tallgirl, sounds like a dying conversation. I have learned the hard way to not keep a conversation going. I would just text back, “Cool!” or “Whaaat??” That is, in reference to going from a tuba to a tambourine?? or just “LOL!” Then if he wants to keep it going, he can. If not, it will just fade into cyberspace. LOL!



  104.  #104EarthDancer on May 17, 2010 at 9:32 am

    #90 Jennifer;

    Girl, I’m totally agreeing with your explanation of life’s Journey (the evolution of the Soul); everything I’ve experienced tells me this is true … do I also remember you are not Christian and so feel worried of disrespecting? I don’t believe it matters – if your intent is pure and good, all roads of spiritual enlightenment lead to Divine Love – which I call God – no matter what your ‘religion’.

    Male Energy Soapbox 🙂 : As both a hands-on and astral Healer, I acknowledge a person’s right to refuse help and healing – I simply ask if the Healing is NOT accepted, that it redirect to heal Mother Earth or someone who does need & accept it. From what I’ve seen, all Life’s lessons are CHOSEN to be experienced, but our life choices and free determines how long or deep or intense those experiences are…we can learn from our shit quickly, or take a lifetime or more…There’s no right or wrong in those choices; they just ARE. It is up to us only to Love and offer support to others (within strong boundaries) and leave the rest to God/Creator/Allah – anything more is not our job …

    LOL Jennifer, I feel amused; I feel reminded of Junior High when I read about Money Friend’s text … my friends & I would “casually” walk by the boys when they were playing baseball or eating in the cafeteria just so they could see us 🙂 maybe she thot u’d want to ‘accidentally’ run into him? …



  105.  #105Kiki on May 17, 2010 at 10:12 am

    A man I dated briefly 7 years ago has reemerged. He searched for me on Facebook, found me, and sent a message asking if I’m single and can we see each other. I said yes to a casual game of pool, “catching up” type scenario. During our game of pool, not even an hour into seeing each other again after 7 years, he explains that he wants us to pick up where we left off and begin dating. I told him I’d be happy to date him but that I wasn’t looking to jump into anything serious with him, at least not right away. Since then (3 weeks ago), he has been getting angry with me because I never call him. I asked him if he is suggesting I be the one who does all the calling and planning of dates, and I be the one who does the “chasing” and he said that yes, he wants me to be the one doing all those things while he enjoys being lavished with attention. What do we do when a man is outright requesting us to call him and plan the dates, and do all the work? How do we respond to this? Anyone?



  106.  #106EarthDancer on May 17, 2010 at 10:26 am

    Hi Kiki;

    ick! I feel yucky reading about feminine energy men :p

    I feel amused reading your post because that has been MY life since I started using Rori’s tools…I feel certain these men are showing up to help me heal from leaning forward and to set healthy boundaries…

    I simply say that I like feeling “girlie” and acting aggressive feels yucky and unfeminine to me … and then “what do you think?”

    In the last week, I’ve probably had 5 guys say they won’t call or text me any more or have simply stopped emailing.

    I just say “NEXT”! hehe



  107.  #107country girl on May 17, 2010 at 10:41 am

    HI LADIES….TIPS ON FUN FLIRTING?

    I want to be more playful and affectionate with men in a fun way. I know men love to tease and be playful. How do I bring this out in a man? Any ideas on how to back lead? I want to learn how to be an engaging woman!! Who knows how to create a positive and playful bond.



  108.  #108Daria on May 17, 2010 at 10:52 am

    Tallgirl –

    this conversation is jokey, sure. but to me it feels superficial. there is no HEART ENGAGEMENT.

    when you texted him, did u buy the tuba ? i felt icky. like leaning forward.

    you did not give him a chance to continue pursuing/asking you things… but rather bounced… deflected it back to him

    it seems he’s trying his best to keep engaged (total guess here)

    lean back. SHARE A FEELING MESSAGE.

    SHARING A FEELing MESSAGE IS ALWAYS APPROPRIATE

    you could even share one about the kiss on text – who said it has to not be on text? you can share whenever, on the spot, after, in text, on phone, in person…

    JUST
    SHARE!

    and… if you do not want to bring up the kiss… because youw ant to see what he does

    SHARE A FEELI?NG ?MESSAGE about S?OMETHing ELSE

    in fact,

    say NOTHING that does not include a clear feeling message

    that is the first step to practice with all men.

    ALL FEELING MESSAGES.

    ex…

    i feel bored

    i feel good right now

    i feel relieved cuz i felt weird after the end of the night friday



  109.  #109Daria on May 17, 2010 at 10:54 am

    Ankita – yes i did thank you.

    I also want to engage men who attack me, and often their words can bother me for awhile.

    I find that… saying what brenda has said… i feel disrespected bye.

    or i feel angry and i dont want to talk anymore

    and then ENDING the convo

    has not ONLY the best results, but ends up with me feeling best

    in fact, I now practice doing this EARLY!!! instead of engaging for a little while…

    the Earlier I do it, the better it feels

    (and yest they continue to try to contact me after ive said it, i don’t answer unless its something RESPECTFUL that i feel engaged by)



  110.  #110Tallgirl10 on May 17, 2010 at 10:54 am

    Brenda – how did you learn the hard way? What happened?



  111.  #111Ankita on May 17, 2010 at 10:59 am

    Brenda

    RE 103#

    “i feel disrespected.” That’s a great feeling message to use here. It’ll send him the message that I won’t take his abuse and am gonna take responsibility for his insecurity, etc. as well… Thanks…

    Can you help me with feeling message in the below situation???

    Suppose I meet a new guy and he straight away asks me to get committed to him and not to date other guys, whereas I just wanna know him better before moving on to something serious, and in between I want to date other guys too, so that I choose the best for me, then how should I say that in feeling message???

    I feel clueless… Am new in feeling message thing… I don’t know which sentence to use here… 🙁

    Please help..!!



  112.  #112Ankita on May 17, 2010 at 11:03 am

    Daria,

    Yes. the sooner we end the convo, the better…
    But I used to have a problem, I did try to make him think my way, and well, he also did try to amke me think his way, and that’s where we clashed.

    But since it’s not possible to change people’s thinking this easily by arguing, I think I better stay outta it…

    And I have also noticed that when I leave people at that, they contact me back, someday…

    Can you also help me with the feeling message question I put above in post #109 to Brenda….???

    It will be really helpful… 🙂



  113.  #113Ankita on May 17, 2010 at 11:14 am

    Kiki,

    I feel so funny reading about this man…

    I mean what kind of guy he is.. Totally girlie… Uggh….
    I don’t feel that’s the kind of guy you want… You obviously don’t want to be running for him, calling him all the time and doing all manly stuffs… I have been there sometime ago and I know how yucky and upsetting it feels… Like you don’t know where you are headed but still gotta move on somewhere… It sometimes feels emasculating too…

    To say NEXT would be the best option I feel, what do you think??…!!



  114.  #114Daria on May 17, 2010 at 11:39 am

    Ankita –

    yes Rori has answered this a lot in e-letters and stuff … I would try to search posts and e-letters for

    “no boyfriend speech”

    My take would be…

    oh… i feel flattered and amused… I’m not looking to be a girlfriend… I want to be a wife one day… and until a man wants to be forever with me and propose… I feel better to date and get to know people through dating…



  115.  #115Brenda on May 17, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    Tallgirl, on how I learned the hard way to not keep a conversation going…I have been listening to Rori’s CDs for a year now, but some of it has taken a long time to sink in. Also, I didn’t fully realize how to use some of the tools, and to what extent, until I came here to Siren Island.

    So I never even thought about it when Ryan and I were in conversation. I didn’t want him to leave or I didn’t want him to stop talking or texting with me, so I unconsciously kept the conversation going. He started out polite when he used to be at my house, like, “Are you tired?” It was his way of saying the night was ready to come to an end. I would say, “No, no! I’m wide awake!” because I didn’t want him to leave. Gradually, it sunk in that that was his polite way of saying, “I’m ready to go home now.” He rarely said anything directly, and he just let me figure everything out, no matter how much I tried to talk to him about being honest and open.

    Then as the relationship faded, it became text and phone talk only from November on. I kept trying to keep the text messages going. For example:

    Him: How are you doing?

    Me: I feel great! How are you?

    Him: Fine

    Me: How was your day? Today I did this this and this…

    Him: All right. I don’t feel too well.

    Me: What going on?

    Him:
    (silence)

    It didn’t start out that way, of course, but I think this is how he communicated to me I was overfunctioning after a while.

    The relationship is pretty much dead now, and I feel the loss of it every day, and I’ve been overeating to cope with the pain. But the more I read stuff here, the more I am shifting my entire view of him and the relationship and changing my self-talk to say he was a gift, and he made me aware of soooo much stuff with his free therapy. And to see it was a toxic relationship, as much as I have tried to deny that, since it started out so beautiful.



  116.  #116Brenda on May 17, 2010 at 12:02 pm

    Ankita, You want to be a strong woman? Practice TOTAL SILENCE in response to a trigger when someone says something rude, unkind, and/or unjust. Walk away.

    It will be one of the hardest things you ever do. But it will MORE THAN communicate your anger and distaste, while it will protect you from further abuse.

    And then come write out your anger here! We can shoulder it! Just let it flow, baby! 🙂



  117.  #117Daria on May 17, 2010 at 12:03 pm

    Brenda – Thank you! for that “Are you tired” mention!

    I too sometimes feel weird when men end it… I am tweaking on being the one to first end the interaction…

    so I too sometimes take “Are you tired” and don’t end it there!

    aha! more tweaking!



  118.  #118Brenda on May 17, 2010 at 12:08 pm

    Ankita, about communicating that you don’t want to be exclusive, there are a number of ways to handle it at different levels of the relationship. The closer you get to a man, the harder it will be for him to understand, and so it will be stickier.

    What I feel comfortable with early on is to not tell him anything at all about my circular dating life outside our developing friendship. I want to wait until it comes up.

    When it comes up, I would just say something light like, “I want to keep my options open.”

    If he presses me, maybe something like, “I am not ready to commit myself to one man. It feels really good to spend time with you, and I want to take my time getting to know you better.”

    If he starts getting nasty, I would just end it. My experience has been that a lot of men think I am saying, “I am not attracted to you. I just want to be friends and never anything more than just friends.” Then I just go back and forth until he realizes.

    It is MY choice how many men I date. Rori recommends circular dating until you have a ring on your finger!



  119.  #119Brenda on May 17, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    Ankita, another way I have learned to handle my anger is to sink into it then just shift it into a joke. If a man ticks me off and it is not all that serious, I will say in a teasing voice, “Oh really, now?”

    If he continues angry or serious, I will add, “Is that a fact?”

    I mean, use your own style, but sometimes humor will dissolve anger if it is with someone you care about and don’t want to be fighting with.

    But the stuff these guys you describe are getting angry over and how quick they are to put you down just so they feel superior shows me they are total jerks and I would want to just end all interaction with them.

    When I want to build a relationship, I don’t choose silence. it is a very powerful form of communication. If I want to build, but I am deeply hurt, I might say, “I feel so angry right now! I don’t like that at all!” and then walk out without another word. If he cares about you, he will come back to you. Little by little he will realize he only gets to be with you if he treats you well.



  120.  #120Brenda on May 17, 2010 at 12:16 pm

    Daria, You’re welcome! He said that to me for MONTHS before I figured out where he was going with it! We would be laying in bed having pillow talk and I’d be getting drowsy. If I told him no, I was wide awake (with a grin on my face, cuz it was obvious I was tired!), he would just wait 5 minutes or so silently, until I started dozing off. Then he’d say, “Well, I’m going to get home and get some rest now.” Then I’d hop up and walk him to the door, ever hopeful for a hug. I used to initiate hugs until I heard Rori’s CDs, and then after that I stood there, and sometimes he hugged me and sometimes he didn’t. But when he did, he gave the best hugs in the world, sometimes 5 minutes, and I just threw myself into him! (got tears in my eyes now, cuz I miss him).



  121.  #121Brenda on May 17, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    Kiki, RE: #104 – If a man was pressing me to call and set up dates, I would say, “I’m sorry, I don’t feel comfortable doing that.” Then I’d go from there, depending on what he said. If he still pressed it, I might ask why? Or maybe say, “That doesn’t serve my girl energy.”



  122.  #122Brenda on May 17, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    Lynn, RE: #71 – You said, “I have been trying the lean back tool with my husband. It seems like it works but he looks at me sometimes and just has a smirk like he’s laughing at me, its mostly when I’m using my feeling messages. What does this mean….is it good or bad??? It makes me feel little, like he’s making fun of me. ”

    Your goal is real, deep, open communication. Ask HIM that, “What does this mean when you smirk at me? Is it good or bad?”

    Let him respond. Then go from there, depending on what he says. If it feels negative, maybe say something like, “I feel weird…” Just keep working your feeling messages. Unzip your heart.



  123.  #123Brenda on May 17, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    Tina, RE: #73 – You said, “Truckman says, He is in love with me and its sickening, he feels retarded and laughed about it , what does that mean. I didnt ask ”

    Again, ASK! But it sounds to me like he IS in love with you and feels embarrassed voicing his emotions! Feeling messages! As he sees you at ease sharing his heart, he will feel more at ease in sharing his heart!



  124.  #124Brenda on May 17, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    Daria, I am sad reading the part about your alcoholic godsister. I had a boyfriend who died of advanced stage liver disease 6 months after I met him. I have been there thru each phase. I am here if you need a shoulder to lean on. It’s not a pretty way to die.



  125.  #125Ankita on May 17, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    Brenda

    Just today did I get Rori’s email letter describing the tool, NO CLOSURE… It did say the same thing you suggested…

    Yes.. It’s the hardest thing to do.. And I find it most difficult, since am used to attack back…

    Thanks Brenda.. Am gonna do it from the next time… Coz I have seen attacking back is perhaps the worst recipe… Heading for a disaster…

    Thanks for your statement for the speech…

    And yes, these guys were total jerks…. I don’t wanna and like to interact with such guys ever again…!!



  126.  #126Lucy on May 17, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    Anyone (Tinque, Daria, maybe???) know anything about maidenhair fern as a remedy for colds/sinus problems???

    Thanks for any info anyone has!

    <3
    Lucy



  127.  #127Brenda on May 17, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    Ankita, You’re welcome! I’m glad you are finding more healthy ways to deal with anger. I have worked thru oceans of anger, and I still have it, but it pops up far less frequently. When something triggers your anger, work with it, preferrably on here, write your feelings, and then work on why? What triggered your anger? For me, I find that injustice and/or hurt are always at the core of it. I like to swear to express my anger, and even that I’ve gotten a hold of to a large extent.

    Form a new space within your heart that absorbs anger, hurt, injustice. The bigger it gets inside, the less things on the outside will trigger you. At least that’s my perception. I try to find ways to release anger that don’t hurt me or anyone else, like throwing something with extra force. Sometimes driving is cathartic to me, or walking. Mostly what helps me is talking it out.

    The quick impulse is to hurt back when we are hurt, and that’s why it’s so hard to keep our mouth shut when someone angers us. But quick impulses are what land a lot of people in prison.

    A past boyfriend said to me, “You fight with your tongue like some men fight with their fists!” When I told that to my exhusband, he laughed and agreed! LOL! We have learned to laugh about it, because we’ve been through so many arguments in 10 years! Now we have a mostly mellow friendship, and we just love on each other! But then again, this is a long distance friendship.

    I used to work with mentally handicapped, emotionally disturbed children for 6 years, and I had to face triggered emotions left and right. So I got specific training from a psychologist at a job seminar on anger management.

    He said to simply say, “I’m angry right now, and that’s all right!”

    or just force yourself to smile a huge grin! It’s totally silly, but that’s why it works, because it breaks you out of those feelings and it’s easy to just start laughing at what a silly thing you’re doing!

    or punch a pillow or bed…

    I’ve come up with creative ways myself, like pretending I’m angry and not really being angry. I can shift it a lot faster now.

    But Rori is so right when she encourages us to validate our feelings as a part of us. Anger is a warning flag that someone is treating us wrong, so we can get away from the bad treatment. There’s nothing wrong with walking away from a fight. That doesn’t mean you’re a wimp. It means you are stronger than the other person, because you have the strength to control your anger and not harm anyone. You are simply protecting yourself from more hurt.

    It has been such a new adventure for me to surround myself with people who are in my corner, wanting to lift me up, not tear me down.



  128.  #128Tallgirl10 on May 17, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    brenda,

    I am sorry to hear that. I understand what you are saying.

    When I read your story, I am struck by the lack of direct communication. In fact, he set you up for failure, so do not take too much of that on yourself.

    How passive agressive to lead you into a conversation about not feeling well, and then when you ask about it, he denies you an answer. That is not your fault, that is you being a nice person.

    That is part of the reason why I switch to statements. Then, he can decide if he wants to respond or not. I agree that questions always begs an answer. Since he is still engaging me, I don’t see harm in what I am doing, but I have also been very good to cut off the conversation when I need to go.

    I also do not respond until it is convenient for me. For instance, tonight I will respond when I am done with work, that will be a good 18 + hours.



  129.  #129Tallgirl10 on May 17, 2010 at 1:28 pm

    Brenda,

    I just reread your post again and I feel angry just reading it.

    This guy was not a gift. He was a poor communicator, and when you tried to work it out with him, he was not invested enough to try to make it work.

    I would not take the lesson that you failed or should have communicated less. It does not mean we on’t have lessons to learn, but maybe the lesson is he is not the man for you. Not that you messed it up.



  130.  #130Tallgirl10 on May 17, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    Daria,

    Not sure that I agree that asking him about the tuba was leaning forward. It was responding to a question with a question, and acknowleging the he reached out to me. Sorry you disagree. Since he immediately responded, I don’t think he felt it was anything more than banter.

    I absolutely do not agree to call him out about the kiss on text. While I agree that feeling messages are good, putting men on the spot is not.

    Again, I believe that part of communication is communicating when someone will actually listen. Men listen at different times then women do.

    However, since everyone is saying to politely end the conversation – I will most likely go with:

    “Never fear, I am still doing all the workouts, just subbing running. I am down, but not out!”

    I do feel like the adding “Sounds like you may have band camp in your future” is neutral, but in a way asking for closure.

    He can reach out again when he is ready.

    Thoughts ladies?



  131.  #131Tallgirl10 on May 17, 2010 at 1:49 pm

    I may still add the band camp thing, but we will see.



  132.  #132Daria on May 17, 2010 at 2:10 pm

    Tall Girl –

    yes. Rori’s tools are about continuing to lean back, receiving and opening. Not responding to a question with a question. Rather, let him ask a lot, and then maybe at some point, after that has sunk in, you ask him something.

    Bouncing back quickly with a question is like an energy block. (Energy wise)

    I used to do this often with a man I liked guywhohadababy:

    him: hi, dee, whatsup with you?

    me: nothingwhatsupupwithyou?

    I caught myself way later when I realized what I was doing… blocking myself from being in my feelings because I felt uncomfortable feeling nervous… and insecure and not believing on a deep level that he would want to know what is really up with me…

    I feel a little bit triggered to not be agreed with…

    I feel open to everyone using the tools at their own pace and ways…



  133.  #133Daria on May 17, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    TallGirl –

    again I feel weird to keep posting on this… but “banter” is not what we’re going for. Yes it feels fun sometimes…

    the thing is, talking this way makes a man feel Friend feelings. talking about your day Rori says becomes “talking shop” with men… and that’s not what we’re goin for

    instead Rori says to do the unconventional

    Opening up and Speaking in feeling messages.

    That means

    I feel _feeling__ here.

    I feel a little bit angry and unheard.



  134.  #134Daria on May 17, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    Also, I did not say I would “call him out” on anything.

    Rather I would SHARE MY FEELINGS with him. That carries a different energy than “calling a man out.”



  135.  #135tinque on May 17, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    Lucy – I have not heard of maidenhair fern as being good for this. Echinacea is great for any infections. Fresh basil steam id great for relieving sinus and cold congestion.



  136.  #136Lucy on May 17, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    For some reason, I feel weird and a little tightened up reading this: “Men listen at different times then women do.”

    I also feel weird reading this: “I absolutely do not agree to call him out about the kiss on text. While I agree that feeling messages are good, putting men on the spot is not.”

    Expressing feelings about the kiss (what Daria said) feels very different to me than “calling him out” or “putting him on the spot.”



  137.  #137Tallgirl10 on May 17, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    Daria,

    I am sorry I am triggering you. I do not agree with everything you say, but everyone does something different!

    I agree there is a place and a time to share feelings, is not every minute. When someone has a superficial conversation with you and the you say

    Him – How is your ankle

    Me – I feel like friday was weird.

    It is not appropriate. It is indeed calling him out.

    Banter is exactly what works at the beginning of a relationship and there are many other male driven dating philosophies (EMK, JG, CC) that espouse this. I am blending many different philosophies.

    For a man, it feels light and playful, which is what you need to get to be able to have the other deeper conversations later on when someone is invested in you. Banter shows you are confident and fun.

    When we were together, I did a lot of feminine things like thanking him, leaning away so he could lean forward, and telling him I was having a nice time.



  138.  #138Daria on May 17, 2010 at 2:25 pm

    Brenda – I feel slightly unclear about this, but I know for sure I just listened to a Rori speech and saying

    “what do you mean?” is a controlling thought speech and we don’t want to go there.

    for smirking… i would say nothing and see what he does, or i would say…

    hmmm i feel a lil weird and suspicious looking at your expression… whatsup?

    (i guess similar to what do you mean by smirking… but maybe less likely to get a defense…?? ) agian i feel a little unsure…

    just know that i heard Rori say to not use What do you mean?



  139.  #139Lucy on May 17, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    Thanks, Tinque. I made the maidenhair fern tea for my daughter about an hour ago, but she wouldn’t drink it because she hated the taste. Oh well!



  140.  #140dorothea on May 17, 2010 at 2:28 pm

    yeahhhhh i am feeling hella triggered and worried and almost angry reading some of the opinions on how to handle some of the situations with men we talk about here.

    so much feels overfunctioning, STRATEGY (big no no), and leaning forward. Not very siren-y.

    It’s not SUPPOSED to feel natural or right at first. we have been programmed and programmed ourselves our whole lives to act in ways that do not attract men or get us the relationship we want with them. if we had been doing what works already, we wouldn’t be here.

    i love u all and feel bad and afraid saying this. i don’t want to lose support here.



  141.  #141Tallgirl10 on May 17, 2010 at 2:29 pm

    Lucy,

    I am sorry you feel triggered as well. I work with all men, and I have many men friends. As much as I listen what women say works with men in dating, I also ask men what works in dating.

    I date men, so I ask for the male perspective because as much as women think they know, they are not men.

    So again, I blend a lot of philosophies.

    What I really like about this one is:
    -Leaning physically back to allow space
    -Don’t make men a priority
    -Do what feels right
    -Be honest about where you are

    And I could learn to use more feeling for sure. However, I have done a lot of work on communication both personally and professionally and if you cannot acknowlege that communication is the responce you get, then you are not doing it right. Men are open to feeling messages, but you need to do it properly. All communication has a time and a place.



  142.  #142Lucy on May 17, 2010 at 2:30 pm

    “Banter shows you are confident and fun.”

    Tallgirl, it shows you are confident and fun IF and WHEN you ARE confident and fun. But not when you are insecure and *working hard* to “banter.”



  143.  #143dorothea on May 17, 2010 at 2:30 pm

    maybe i am not posting enough about my great success with men using rori’s tools. maybe i am not showing you how much lightness it has brought into my life. how it has re-directed my focus and it is getting me what i want. maybe i only come around when i have an issue that i need help with. i feel judgmental toward myself. i feel compelled to call myself names for this. i love my perfectionism. i love my under-a-microscope fears.



  144.  #144Daria on May 17, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    TallGirl –

    I feel triggered. Rori’s tools work. They are about being authentic and real.

    This WORKS.

    Keeping it “light” does not work. Keeping it light might work for a friends with benefits, but not for creating a heart connection.

    it absolutely is appropriate to use feeling messages everywhere and at any time…

    which is why Rori has us practice them in all her programs

    for example someone asks what do you do?

    Rori has us prepare feeling messages so that we feel comfortable going STRAIGHT TO THE FEELINGS even when asked something not related

    ex: how is your ankle?

    response: ohh its feeling better thank ou for asking… [pause and lean back – very important]

    him: another question

    you: oh… that feels..

    you don’t have to start talking about friday, if it doesn’t feel like the most emphatic feeling at that moment…
    but if he called and all i could think about was friday, i would say

    me: hey.. i feel so weird bringing this up, but i would feel so much better talking about it.. i felt really awkward at the end of friday nite… and i dont want to feel that way… what do you think?



  145.  #145Tallgirl10 on May 17, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    Dorathea,

    You won’t loose support. I am supposing we should lean forward.

    Asking about how to interact here is a way of practicing, it is not strategy per say.

    It is easier to practice with strangers and see what feels right so that when the time comes we are ready to go with feeling messages.

    I feel like many women here take leaning back to mean that you are powerless and should do nothing.

    I read leaning back as – flirt and have fun, do not initiate, do not force things. Take trust he will be there if he is the right man.

    We are all trying on new things! There is room for all sorts of opions.



  146.  #146Tallgirl10 on May 17, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    oops, I am NOT supposing we should lean forward.



  147.  #147Tallgirl10 on May 17, 2010 at 2:39 pm

    Daria,

    That is why I said – it feels much better, thanks!

    I do not feel it is appropriate to tell me that my methods are not authentic and real. Rori’s tools definately advocate flirting and being confident.

    That is what I am doing. I am also making statements now, so that he can decide what he wants to do. I agree that questions can be leaning forward if done too much.

    I have had many men tell me they are put off when women don’t ask questions. Not that you should barrage with questions, but it is a way of relating and showing that you are paying attention.



  148.  #148Lucy on May 17, 2010 at 2:39 pm

    Daria, I feel good about what you wrote about answering a question with a question. Sometimes that feels like the “normal” and “polite” thing to do, and it feels weird sometimes to not do it,

    BUT

    I am finding that it is totally attractive and anti-friend zone to avoid Q for Q.

    I remember clearly the first time I changed this up with Getting Closer Man…

    He had texted me, during a random, rambling text convo, “Have you ever gone on a cruise?”

    With a friend, I would have said, “No, have you?”

    But I stopped myself from bouncing it back.

    I said, “No.”

    It felt weird and kinda rude to not ask “have you?”

    It was a huge step for me!!!

    Now that I have progressed even more (haha, I have!), I realize it would have been even better to say, “No. It would feel great to go on a cruise!”

    <3



  149.  #149dorothea on May 17, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    hey tallgirl, i feel so happy to get a response from you! you’re not so much the lean-forwarder as you are the strategizer and the self-sacrificer. not very goddessy or sireny. you are choosing being inauthentic for the sake of being “likeable.” i say FUCK THAT. your feelings are delicious and with practice you will rock them feelings like they are a blessing to a man. i like daria’s suggestion of just coming out and saying ohhh i am feeling so weird.

    though if he calls to ask you out again, you might not have to even bring it up. you could just do something different, like lean back instead of kissing him this time.

    also notice how you feel when you’re around him. i would have felt bad if he was looking at another woman. i wouldn’t have wanted to kiss that fool.

    rori’s tools do work.



  150.  #150Tallgirl10 on May 17, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    Again, sorry to trigger you, but in the past I have been too heavy and indeed, keeping it light does work. That does not mean lying or keeping hidden anything, but it is a form of not being a girlfriend.



  151.  #151Daria on May 17, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    Tall girl – I feel sad a little… and I feel glad that you are here and have access to Rori’s tools.

    Then you will with experimenting see what a blessing and how amazing and insightful her tools are. They are more amazing than anything I’ve ever found in my life.

    I have heard that communication is about the response… and in a WAY, it is. In a masculine, response based way.

    that is OK! we are all masculine and feminine!

    however,

    communication is also about self expression

    when i share a deep feeling… a part of me feels HONORED and happy and authentic… even if I am speaking to a tree or a wall… and there is no response!

    this is a feminine, expressive way of communicating

    Communicating this way feels good, ATTRACTS A MAN – because they are used to communicating the results way and it’s simply magnetic fascinating to them, and keeps the focus on me. Since it attracts a man, it also gets the results i want!

    But the focus is NOT on the results.

    feels a lil convoluted to grasp logically… DON’T FOCUS ON RESULTS – but you will get amazing results!



  152.  #152dorothea on May 17, 2010 at 2:45 pm

    well maybe responding with questions is leaning forward in this case. i ask questions out of curiosity and for no other reason. not to keep convo going or be polite.

    i like banter too. men love my banter. they get that when they call and ask about me and we get inspired together to talk about something. or when we meet up in person.

    in general i relate to others with how i feel about things and open up to them this way so they can relate back.



  153.  #153Tallgirl10 on May 17, 2010 at 2:45 pm

    Dorathea,

    I was already planning on not leaning in for a kiss again! That felt super icky!

    When it comes to this man, I have actually had enough weird moments with him, that I actually only go with what I feel, and in fact try not to react to him at all.

    The fact that he is contacting me after friday is a true testiment to that.

    I do tend to worry about what I do or say, but I am focusing on what I do or say so that the experience makes him feel good. Because men continue to date women who are fun, authentic and make them feel good! Rori’s tools work well for some of that.



  154.  #154Lucy on May 17, 2010 at 2:45 pm

    “I have had many men tell me they are put off when women don’t ask questions.”

    That is a common scenario when a woman is just going on and on talking about herself and not showing an interest in HIM.

    Leaning back (while smiling, listening at level 2 etc.)and feeling messages are a beautiful and different way to relate and show that you are paying attention.

    In other words, asking questions is ONE way; leaning back and feeling messages are ANOTHER way — both are ways of showing interest and attention — but the latter is more attractive.



  155.  #155Tallgirl10 on May 17, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    Dorathea,

    Men love my banter and smile! I won’t give it up!

    I did ask him because I was curious, no other reason.



  156.  #156Daria on May 17, 2010 at 2:50 pm

    TallGirl –

    I agree somewhat with not going heavy… that part is taken care of by not sending him a huge email of feleings which cna overflood him

    instead… delivering feeling messages one or two at a time… and asking him what he thinks

    is what to do to not have it be heavy and overwhelming for him

    PS – one does not “feel” something is appropriate. My guess is you mean you felt angry, or bad, or triggered…

    You don’t think it’s appropriate. you have every right to think that.

    nor did i say that.

    I said Rori’s tools are centered on being authentic and real.

    I feel triggered and defensive.

    I feel kind of sad and powerless… now I feel all closed off and unable to reach you.

    I don’t want you to miss out on this amazing Rori goodness
    that feels sad



  157.  #157Tallgirl10 on May 17, 2010 at 2:50 pm

    Lucy,

    I disagree that one is more attractive then the other. They both have a very important place. There is a reason to have a toolkit of communication tools.

    Ladies, just and FYI – I feel like I am triggering a lot of you and you are all getting really defensive. Sorry for that. I am not wrong because you don’t agree with me.



  158.  #158Tallgirl10 on May 17, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    Daria,

    I am not saying you are wrong, I am saying it should all be blended together.

    Don’t worry about my ability to be a goddess. I don’t need to only do it your way to be a goddess. I can take part of your way, and part of dorathea’s way, and part my friend maria’s way, and part buddha’s way.

    We are all goddesses even if we don’t agree.

    And please don’t take my push back as not agreeing, it is just thinking in a more comprehensive manner.

    I feel totally at peace with you, and I feel appreciative for this dialog to push my thinking.



  159.  #159Lucy on May 17, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    Daria, I love your explanation of communication #151. A lot of us have been taught through professional seminars, etc. types of communication that work well in BUSINESS or with friends or other types of relationships…..

    BUT

    we were not taught how to communicate with MEN as a WOMAN expressing our femininity.

    THAT is a completely different way of communicating, just like you said.



  160.  #160Kiki on May 17, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    To Ankita, Earth Dancer & Brenda,

    Thanks for giving some feedback about my confusion with this guy who is acting, as you pointed out, more on his feminine energy. I am definitely going to say to him that I don’t feel comfortable doing what he is suggesting! You’re right, I don’t like it at all. I want to be the one with the feminine energy!



  161.  #161Tallgirl10 on May 17, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    Tell you all what. In the spirit of feeling messages – I will respond with the following:

    “Never fear, it feels way to good to exercise to give up the regime, I am just subbing out the running.



  162.  #162Lucy on May 17, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    Dorothea, I feel amused (in a good way) and smiley reading your posts here.



  163.  #163Daria on May 17, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    Tall Girl – I don’t feel that much at peace…

    I feel angry being told that you’re thinking in a more comprehensive manner

    I feel sad to think you’re missing out on the depth of these tools.

    They feel much more fulfilling than Christian Carter to me.

    I do feel rather calm, and also a bit numb.

    I guess it feels bad to continue …

    so maybe this is a chance for me to practice STOP.

    And i feel guilty to do that… I feel like I’m turning my back

    kinda reminds me of my sister

    well

    I will experiment with it here on the blog and see how it FEELS! yay



  164.  #164dorothea on May 17, 2010 at 3:01 pm

    “but I am focusing on what I do or say so that the experience makes him feel good. Because men continue to date women who are fun, authentic and make them feel good! Rori’s tools work well for some of that.”

    being in touch with your own feelings and expressing them FIRST and ALL THE TIME about anything or anything is what makes men connect emotionally to you. it’s what makes him want you all to himself. being fun and authentic and making them feel good makes you a good buddy. unless you focus on yourself and your own experience first and as the priority at basically all times, the final piece of the puzzle – the emotional connection – will probably never click in.

    i dont feel defensive at all, btw. 😀 i feel loving and stimulated in this moment yayyyy



  165.  #165Daria on May 17, 2010 at 3:06 pm

    Yay Tallgirl! I feel excited and happy about your feeling message!



  166.  #166Daria on May 17, 2010 at 3:09 pm

    Thanks Lucy ! I feel glad I got that ‘click’ a couple days ago about communication.

    I remember I used to read David DeAngelo advice for men and try to apply it for myself hehe

    and I read CC’s stuff…

    I think one of them used that “communication is about the result you get” i forgot which one…

    and i felt all intrigued…

    and now that I’ve learned Rori’s stuff I got the click!

    when i read an e-letter about how a problem comes up when a woman focuses more on “how will what i say affect him”

    than in

    “how can i best express how I’m feeling right now”



  167.  #167Lucy on May 17, 2010 at 3:11 pm

    “but I am focusing on what I do or say so that the experience makes him feel good.”

    I feel icky reading this. It feels doormat-y to me.

    It feels like having an agenda and trying to control how he feels.

    It feels like attachment to the outcome.

    It feels like how I used to relate to Getting Closer Man in the middle part of our connection-time-line … between the beginning when I was a rockstar, and now when I am a leaning back siren.

    The middle part was me being scared and wanting so badly to “make it work” by “focusing on what I do or say so that the experience makes him feel good.”



  168.  #168Lucy on May 17, 2010 at 3:12 pm

    “I feel angry being told that you’re thinking in a more comprehensive manner.”

    I did not feel angry, like Daria did, but I did feel a little annoyed and a tiny bit amused.



  169.  #169Tallgirl10 on May 17, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    Ladies,

    I think there is a happy marriage in the

    “How can I best express what I am feeling now” with the “how will what I say affect him.

    That is how you create an amazing connection. The two are not mutually exclusive.

    Because you do need to be authentic and say your peace or you will push someone away, just as if you talk to someone when they are not listening, you will push someone away!

    Great topic!



  170.  #170Lucy on May 17, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    It feels SO GOOD to feel good about what Daria is writing and to be in agreement!!!!

    (given our history 🙂 )



  171.  #171Daria on May 17, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    TallGirl –

    the “timing” of communication in relationships

    Rori addresses this. Don’t approach a man when he is working. Don’t approach him at the exciting end of a game he is watching. etc.

    ACTUALLY respect his time.

    (this is in a relationship when you want to talk about something )

    say… hey i would like to talk about something, is this a good time? if he says no, ask for an appointment – ie… ok… when is a better time?

    when a man Approaches US, however, well that is a good time! he is coming towards us!

    when we best express how we are feeling, we actually get FANTASTIC results! so indeed they are not mutually exclusive



  172.  #172Tallgirl10 on May 17, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    I am sorry if anyone felt insulted. I do view looking at multiple philopophies as maybe not more comprehensive, but maybe more wholistic, I am not using the right word, and I did not mean to offend anyone.

    I feel annoyed that everyone is attempting to make me feel like my journey is incorrect and that if I look at other philosiphies than I am wrong.

    Just as I will fight that no religion is 100 correct, I will fight that people should be open minded to blending a lot of ideas.

    That is what our brains are for – believing in things and learning. Everyone gets to believe what they want and learn as much as possible.



  173.  #173Daria on May 17, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    Lucy – yes indeed i feel good about that too!



  174.  #174Tallgirl10 on May 17, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    I feel great that I brought you two lovebirds together! Hehe!



  175.  #175Daria on May 17, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    TallGirl –

    Logically speaking, I agree with you, I look at multiple philosphies as well.

    However it feels bad reading the message… I feel defensive.

    I remember I pushed away some of Rori’s ideas at first too (what do you mean I shouldn’t go hang out where he is?? haha)

    what has been amazing is that they ALL wound up being so deep and true

    I feel blessed.

    I look forward to hear of when you feel struck with amazement about them as well.



  176.  #176dorothea on May 17, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    ““How can I best express what I am feeling now” with the “how will what I say affect him.””

    This is WHY we use feeling messages and don’t wants and never “shoulds” and we follow rori’s rules. this is why we don’t blame with our words. this is why we don’t direct. this is why we don’t control.



  177.  #177Lucy on May 17, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    I feel good looking at it that way, Dorothea —

    No directing, no blaming, no controlling — THAT is respecting how our words affect him.



  178.  #178Lucy on May 17, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    And using our words to try to CONTROL how he feels or thinks is….controlling. And NOT respecting how our words affect him.



  179.  #179Lucy on May 17, 2010 at 3:32 pm

    Tallgirl,

    “I do view looking at multiple philopophies as maybe not more comprehensive, but maybe more wholistic . I am not using the right word, and I did not mean to offend anyone.”

    I would feel good reading “I look at multiple philosophies” — without labeling it as “more comprehensive” or “more holistic” —

    Most of us on here also look at multiple philosophies…



  180.  #180dorothea on May 17, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    i had a whole weekend full of weird emotional outbursts and trying to control the situation and outcome and fortunately by re-grounding myself with feeling messages (even though i was hysterical) to him and usually being totally in feminine energy in our relationship, he completely stuck it out with me. whew. this shit gets messy sometimes. letting someone really in to your heart is messy as fuck. ho-ly cow.



  181.  #181Brenda on May 17, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    Daria and Tallgirl, the thing about me asking Ryan questions? It was because he just WOULDN’T respond if I DIDN’T. I tried again and again to work Rori’s tools: unzipping my heart, feeling messages, being open and vulnerable. He just played 20 questions, and it would all go one way. I rarely got words out of him UNLESS I asked questions.

    When I described him not responding to my text above, I was talking about a time when the relationship had eroded to the point of virtual death. This wasn’t his initial response to me. I am embarrassed to say I waaaaay overdid it with leaning forward and operating in boy energy.

    Tallgirl, maybe you’re right: maybe it IS because he wasn’t relating well. The truth is, he was operating largely in girl energy, letting me come to him at almost every turn. Then when I did, he more-or-less punished me like HE is in charge of the relationship. It was soooo messed up it would take me all day to explain to you the weird dynamics of it. He pulled some deep psychological stuff on me, and anyone can debate it all day if they want, but I am convinced that he was trying to establish mind control over me. He wanted to form me into a literal slave who would do his bidding without realizing I was his slave. This sounds farfetched, but know I am summarizing months and months of intense time together. Whew, it’s so hard…I probably really AM being “debriefed” after being brainwashed.



  182.  #182Brenda on May 17, 2010 at 4:43 pm

    Daria, RE: #138 – on smirking…

    You said, “hmmm i feel a lil weird and suspicious looking at your expression… whatsup?” I like this MUCH better than “What do you mean?” Love it! Thanks! You’re learnin me quick! I got in the habit of saying “What do you mean?” because Ryan asked me that all the time! Hehehe! I much prefer to operate in girl energy, and I feel more and more feminine by the day! My emotions have become my secret weapon, whether I’m with a man, at work, or with family!!!



  183.  #183EarthDancer on May 17, 2010 at 4:55 pm

    Dorothea:

    THANK YOU for all your sharing posts! I always feel so happy when I see them, ’cause I get the feeling that you really ROCK Rori’s programs and you really GET it…

    Thank you! I feel such hope in my heart that I will learn how to do the same… step by step *hugs* xoxo



  184.  #184Brenda on May 17, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    RE: #140-150 approximately on listening, asking questions, feeling messages…

    I have already shared how most of my life I was unusually lonely and alone. Two-way conversation feels delicious to me. I have had enuff one-way conversations. Yes, feeling messages are wonderful, and yes, I value expressing myself. But like I have told past men, if I just wanted to talk to myself, I’d just write in my journal. I have come out of a blackhole void of loneliness that threatens EVERY DAY to suck me back in…trust me, there is a lot I am not sharing with you all at this stage, such as how lonely and depressed I feel these days as I continue to move past Ryan.

    All that to say I highly value responses to my words. And, I have found the value of questions. I want to know a man’s thots and feelings as much as I want to share mine with him.

    At first I didn’t realize what was going on with him…I kept unzipping, unzipping, unzipping my heart…pouring out my feelings like a whole reservoir moving out past an unstopped dam. STILL he rarely reciprocated. He is the most untrusting, bound-up person I ever met. NOW I realize he was just getting to know me, a total act of self-protection. He didn’t WANT me to know HIS heart of hearts until or unless he decided I passed all his endless barage of tests to see if I was the right woman for him.

    So now I am at a place where I will unzip my heart only so far before I KNOW it is being reciprocated. I didn’t protect MYSELF by letting him get away with not revealing his heart, that same heart that ultimately led me on for a fake proposal and shredded my heart to the core.

    So I have every intention of asking questions, and I see it as not what you ask but how you ask it. But I like it even better when a man shares his heart without even being asked. And so far, that is what Bill’s doing and I am highly attracted to him!!



  185.  #185Brenda on May 17, 2010 at 5:08 pm

    When I look for an outcome from a man, it isn’t necessarily manipulative. I look at it as desiring thorough communication. If I am communicating effectively, there will be a positive response.

    I feel happy reading this stuff, even when there are disagreements. The beauty of it is we are processing our feelings and our messages, and admit it, we all love each other! 🙂



  186.  #186Turtle Girl on May 17, 2010 at 5:30 pm

    Brenda-
    Your description of your relationship with Ryan sound very similar to my ex toxic man. I now believe that he has NPD– Narcissistic personality disorder. He never responded, he always dropped names of important people, he showed no empathy whatsoever except to this animals. He was cold sexually and cold with affection. He rarely talked. He played mind games, wanted me to do everything for him and come to him (drive, play mommies, etc etc) and yet HE wanted to control the relationship. He wanted it all his way or no way. When I talked about me, he always changed the subject and brought the convo around back to him. He introduced me to all his friends, but showed almost no interest in mine or being involved in my life.

    He really diced his ex wives as bitches who fucked him over. And he was uber paranoid about me doing that. He had been cheated on and they were always in the wrong according to him. He has a victim mentality. He never did anything wrong. He even told me one time that in every relationship he ever had, he did nothing wrong.

    WOW-Really? Never. Fuck what I fool I was. I kep thinking that if I just hung in there he would see how much I loved him and he would loosen up, start responding like a normal person and quite being so self centered and selfish.

    It never happened. He – I think now – was mentally ill.



  187.  #187dorothea on May 17, 2010 at 8:28 pm

    i feel like i am operating in a different paradigm than brenda and tallgirl. i feel eager to accept this. for now.

    it’s not like i’m some quiet woman who can’t carry a conversation. i work in politics on marijuana legalization and have a linguistics degree. i put myself through college and have been on my own since high school. i am incredibly powerful and accomplish everything i put my mind to without help from anyone, and get media and public recognition for some of it.

    while all of this makes me an extremely interesting and likeable FRIEND, it will never connect me to a man’s heart. my feelings are what do that. my vulnerability. my now-a-days unconventional way of letting him lead. all that other stuff about me being interesting and fun to talk to is just icing on the cake. romantic attraction will always have to come first when it’s all said and done.

    i can’t fake a heart connection with him by trying to get at him through his head. i can’t talk about all this stuff about me factually, like a man. i can’t make conversation politely, like a man or a friend.

    so instead of:
    him – hello, how are you?
    me – i’m feeling sleepy, how are you?
    him – i’m ok.
    me – what’s new today?

    it might go
    him – hello, how are you?
    me – i’m feeling sleepy/happy/swamped at the office. . . it feels good to hear your voice/i feel happy to get your text/i feel happy to see you
    him – ohhhh? 😉 blah blah blah

    it is awkward and scary at first, yes. but it does become second nature after practice because it is truly feminine (like our inherent selves)



  188.  #188dorothea on May 17, 2010 at 8:30 pm

    eek i feel a little scared of being misunderstood – giving recognition to those who have supported and helped me feels really important to me, and i don’t want it to seem like i really do everything ever all on my own. what i meant was i don’t have family to turn to or to help me, no safety net.



  189.  #189EarthDancer on May 17, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    Dorothea:

    Yes! I feel melty & feminine when I read your version .. I feel shivery down my arms. I feel confident if I follow your paradigm that I will reclaim my Siren! I love your version, it feels right thank u



  190.  #190EarthDancer on May 17, 2010 at 8:33 pm

    I don’t have family or a safety net, either; and I’ve been in masculine mode too long … I yearn to be soft & vulnerable … I feel grateful I found Rori’s work



  191.  #191dorothea on May 17, 2010 at 8:36 pm

    yessss, i am so large and in charge all day long. it’s RIDICULOUS how awesomely in charge i have been for the last ten years..i’m 25 now. at the end of the day i shed that as much as possible. my men admire this part of me and like to see glimpses of it in its natural environment, hehe, and it adds to the equation, but it can’t possibly be the basis for their attraction. if anything, the fact that i am large and in charge by day but can switch hats when they come around makes them feel even bigger and manlier.



  192.  #192dorothea on May 17, 2010 at 8:36 pm

    earth dancer i feel so energized and jazzed about your enthusiasm for sirenhood. thank you it feel sso wonderful!



  193.  #193Daria on May 17, 2010 at 8:45 pm

    Dorothea –

    help me with Goodbye messages!!

    like…

    right now i had a man on the phone and when the silence got long and i felt my focus slip i said (i had intended to practice this) so i said

    hey.. im going to go back to doing my practice problems in teh book… thank you for your call… hes like oh ohk… i said bye… he said bye

    but he sounded a lil bit sad or … off… and this is the thing… are they supposed to sound like that? lol i feel confused cuz i am used to getting htat when im ready to get off the phone… and i dont want to be brushing htem off

    notice how i didnt use a feeling message

    Rori in Goodnite tlak said to say… oh im feeling sleepy.. and then hell be like ohok goodnite!

    but that hasnt really gone down like that for me…

    ALSO even more recentlyl like right now right now, I just got on the computer, and a man called me (that i had been talking to already for like 20 min but we got intterupted)

    and i was like

    actually do you want to call me back later?

    and hes like oh ok sure yeah ill do that

    Id like to feel COMFORTABLE WITH THIS

    RORI?

    DOROTHEA?

    what can i say and how to feel feminine and warm



  194.  #194dorothea on May 17, 2010 at 9:15 pm

    daria, i feel flattered that u want to know what i think but i have no idea and i feel totally awkward with goodbyes most of the time. if anything i just try not to worry about the fact that it feels awkward. it feels awkward and that’s ok. i just say i am getting off the phone or i want to get off the phone to do whatever and not worry about the outcome. that’s when they act all hurt and weird anyway. i feel really excited to hear rori’s answer because phone conversations feel really daunting to me sometimes.



  195.  #195Tina on May 17, 2010 at 9:20 pm

    Daria, I to have noticed that truckman says good night first. I just stay on the phone and say ok goodnight. It wasnt until lately that I have been ending the calls first, I’m going to make this a habit. I said ok, I’m going to say goodnight, I’ll let you go, he says oh ok well I have things to do in the am and Im tired. I’m going to make this my project for our future calls. He usually calls first though, I have gotten used to not calling him, but now Im going to end our calls first 🙂

    He said he put the screw drivers in the truck already for his next time here,which will be thursday but he said if he can do it tomorrow when he drops me off he will, my truck is going in the shop to get serviced. We talked about sex a little bit on the phone, we werent having phone sex but just the topic of sex, he did have a certain tone in his voice for a little while when I started using feeling messages about how feeling pleasured as a woman was really really important to me. I could sense a little defensiveness but not much, I was feeling a bit defensive too about how HE WAS GOING TO HANDLE THE CONVO UGH! . We did the back and forth about sex. He is a good listener 🙂 His idea of talking about pleasure was “what is your fav position? lol I thought wow ok so this is where it’s at for him, I said well for me its not just about having a fav position, I feel disconnected if Im just telling you about my fav position , its about how I feel. I want to feel like I am a delicate flower and handled gently. The convo ended in a good feeling way for me. I did end the convo about sending him some tina porn sometime in the near future and he is very willing to buy me a pole for dancing 🙂



  196.  #196Daria on May 17, 2010 at 9:23 pm

    Tina ! lol! i bet he is!

    thank you for the example

    ok, im going to say goodnite, ill let you go…

    hmm

    ok

    i wish Rori would adress this grrr



  197.  #197Tallgirl10 on May 18, 2010 at 8:55 am

    Daria,

    I know you didn’t ask me because you don’t agree with me. But if feeling messages are what you want, how about trying:

    “I am feeling sleepy. It felt so great/fun to catch up/talk with you today. Goodnight!”

    Simple and to the point.

    As you can see from all of my angst, I also have real issues with goodbyes – goodbyes in the car, goodbyes on the phone, goodbyes by text.



  198.  #198Tallgirl10 on May 18, 2010 at 8:59 am

    I have thought about yesterday, and I really need to work on my feeling messages. They scare me, and I feel like too much emotion scares away people.

    I will start small. But just so I understand – is

    “I am having such a great time” a feeling message?

    I think it is, but just checking….



  199.  #199tinque on May 18, 2010 at 9:30 am

    Brenda – Men don’t usually share their hearts in the way we women do, as with the feelings messages. Men show their hearts with their actions. What they do for us, with their attention, how they treat us, and it’s also in their energy. A it is with us.
    xxoo



  200.  #200Daria on May 18, 2010 at 9:40 am

    Tallgirl!

    THANK YOU THE GOODBYE ONES ARE JUST WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR!

    and a feeling message always starts with

    I FEEL ….

    then feelings are only sad, mad, glad, afraid

    and variations on those (frustrated, anxious, weird, icky, happy, etc etc)

    not thoughts.

    so for example

    i feel that that didn’t go well. is not a feeling it’s a thought.

    also, you can use body sensations

    i feel a pressure on my chest

    and even poetic fantastic stuff

    i feel like a hurricane is ripping through my world

    When I first started I also started small

    My first few weeks my feeling messages were:

    I feel hungry

    I feel thirsty

    I feel hot

    They worked INSTANTLY with my guyfriends of years and the man I was trying to get back came and sat right purposefully next to me that night, which was unusual for him at that time. Even I could feel the change in my vibe.

    And then they told me… I am soft. They kinda laughed a bit because I was “supposed to be” hard… being one of the guys and all.

    and that was just with I FEEL HOT and I FEEL THIRSTY



  201.  #201dorothea on May 18, 2010 at 9:41 am

    tallgirl:
    this FEELS like such a great time.
    this feels exciting.
    i feel jazzed because I am having such a great time.

    etc etc
    don’t be scared of feel. practice with strangers! i know it sounds like people will notice you’re “talkin funny” but you will get the hang of it. I promise!



  202.  #202Daria on May 18, 2010 at 9:41 am

    I’m feeling sleepy. It felt really good to talk to you…

    him ohok ill let you go

    me: ok bye

    him : bye



  203.  #203Apple Jacks on May 18, 2010 at 9:42 am

    I feel like chiming in here, Dorothea you really fascinate and inspire me. You are the exact embodiment of Rori’s “switching hats.”

    The statement communication is as good as the response you get (or something like that) is CC’s concept. As I said I started with him and that was a big breakthrough realization for me. I see as Rori’s tools and her coaching to be in your feelings at all times exactly as perfect communication.

    I do find Rori’s work and tools, like Daria, to be a lot more fullfilling than CC. BUT, I am glad I came to his stuff first because I needed to first break the prejudices and anger that I had towards men. I had A LOT of resentment. His material helped me to understand and accept that men are not like women, and that’s okay! I can be a woman and he can be a man and that’s great! He pretty much says the same thing as Rori, he just has different tools and different ways of putting it out.

    For me he was great in clearing my head, but Rori really REALLY shows how to be a woman and her whole design and knowledge on masculine and feminine energies is truly eye opening. It’s all encompassing and it’s just amazing when you use the tools.

    Tallgirl I totally feel where you are coming from and what you are saying. I feel that CC really is saying the same thing Rori is. He always talks about how women do not communicate exactly how they feel at the time they are feeling it. They tend to act like they are okay with something, then it festers and they blow up during the next encounter and get all upset and dramatic and the guy is like…but you said you were okay! He says very clearly, if you are upset about something, don’t say you are “fine and you’ll be okay” and then blow up at him later. He also warns that there is a WAY of communicating that gets a man to understand, and yelling, blaming and all of that makes him shut down. CC says it’s not that men do not want to deal with heavy issues and want lightheartedness all the time, it’s all in the way it’s conveyed.

    That brings me to Rori. Rori SHOWS EXACTLY HOW TO DO THAT (I’m not yelling at you I’m just bolding lol). By being authentice and being in your feelings, and communicating THAT to the man of your affections…and doing it authentically. She knows that it’s ABOUT US and NOT about making him wrong, or blamed…that’s her concept right there and that’s what CC says too. He’s loud and clear by saying if we feel like you’re blaming us then we shut down because we want to be the reason for your feeling good all the time. However that is not to say don’t communicate your not so good feelings, he loves the opportunity to step up and MAKE you feel good if you’re not. I also remember him saying many times that if we women tell him what we THINK THEY WANT TO HEAR that’s an attraction killer and it’s detectable for a man, unless he’s a sub par man and gets off on that. He says men love unpredictability and the conventionaly, nicey nice ways to please him are boring as hell. That does not create attraction. Attraction is when you are not always “so nice” and conventional and pleasing him.

    Rori SHOWS you how to do it. I see it as CC is trying to explain to women what the men want and are looking for and Rori gives us the keys to unlock those amazing, multiple treasure boxes within us that blinds and dazzles both us and our men with our brilliant sheen.

    I feel like this IS what CC is saying that men want. He’s saying, “BE woment. We LIKE that! We LIKE your up and down feelings, we LIKE your turmoil, we LIKE your calm and fun energy and we LIKE when you are NOT feeling so positive. We LIKE ALL your feminine wiles so BRING IT OUT.” Hopefully I made my point there, cause I could go on and on.

    I want to echo what Daria said earlier, Rori is totally the click (for me anyway). CC I needed in order to understand the perception. But applying his principles just seemed like a lot of busy chatter in the head, because while I got what he was saying, I didn’t know how to put it into practice that was naturally me. I felt like a GUY. Here I was being told to be a woman, but all his advice was jumbled up in my head, and felt gimmicky to be honest. It didn’t fit or feel right.

    I was thanking my lucky stars when I came to Rori. It was like, YES now I am being shown what this looks like and how this is supposed to be done! I just used her fall to the knees tool the other day for the first time and even I could not have predicted how AMAZING it was after using it.

    Er, just my take. Sorry the post was so long, suddenly in the middle of writing something falls on my lap and I am very annoyed and triggered by my brother and sis-in-law….see ya guys real soon, I feel apprehensive my post doesn’t make any sense…*GRRRR* I love my annoyance and triggers.



  204.  #204dorothea on May 18, 2010 at 9:42 am

    btw tall girl your help for daria was awesome, thank you! i say don’t sit on the phone and wait for him to say something magical that indicates he will call back. just say you’re going and hang up. he will call again. this isn’t something i want to worry about too much cuz it would drive me crazy worrying about it.



  205.  #205Brenda on May 18, 2010 at 10:38 am

    Tinque, RE: #199 – You said men typically don’t use feeling messages. I realize that. When I described my relationship with Ryan, it was an unusual thing where he rarely talked at all! He would share his quotes from his journal about how wonderful women are and worthy of respect, and he would ask me deep, probing questions. Beyond that, it was like teaching a 1 year old to talk. So many times I’ve felt like being flippant and saying, “Good boy! There, you said something!” I didn’t, because I know that would have come out of anger.

    But the truth is he acted like a little boy in not opening up. And I have never, ever seen anyone so guarded. I learned the hard way that it’s because he had something to hide, and it was ugly. Despite all his beautiful, poetic words about the value of women, he treated me horribly in the long term.



  206.  #206Brenda on May 18, 2010 at 10:50 am

    Apple Jacks, RE: #203 – It made perfect, coherent sense to me, and especially so, since I had the xact same experience! I found CC first, started listening to him, heard Rori as a guest speaker on his Communication Secrets program, and her visualizations, like leaning back like the water wheel, made all the sense in the world to me. I still like and listen to CC, but I prefer Rori, and her stuff is more practical and understandable. What helps me the most after visualizations is scripts. We fly scripts back and forth all the time on this blog and I treasure all I am learning!!



  207.  #207Siena on May 18, 2010 at 9:29 pm

    Catching up on the discussion after spending some time away from the blog. Dorothea, I love your switching hats post, it’s how I feel too. I have always had a lot of men around me too, but they’ve all turned into friends, which feels awful.

    Feeling messages are a bit of a mixed blessing for me. I am receiving attention and feedback from men in a way that feels very uncomfortable – mostly because this is not how I’m use to relating with men. I see now that the “friendly” mask I put on was to protect myself. Now they are falling over themselves to get to me, which actually feels scary and uncomfortable. I thought I would love it, but I really don’t.

    I feel somewhat exposed and triggered by the whole thing.

    I also feel foolish for the way I used to be with men. Especially The Man. I hate to think that he thinks badly of me. I would have liked to show him the authentic me …

    Anyway, I’m babbling. Great convo on here Sirens! I love reading everyone’s processes. It’s amazing to see how we are each transformed little by little…



  208.  #208Apple Jacks on May 19, 2010 at 11:24 am

    Siena – I felt moved in how you said that you don’t love men falling at your feet. I feel your tenderheartedness and sensitivity when you say that.

    I still have yet to use feeling messages on men so I don’t know yet if I get the falling at my feet reaction. If I do, great lol. But I have to say, it’s so cleansing and healing for me when I communicate in feeling messages. So cool.



  209.  #209Siena on May 19, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    AJ, thank you!

    Get online girl, and start CDing! No woman should go long without a man calling her up and spending money on her!

    I’ve found that feeling messages cast a spell on men, so you will definitely experience the “falling over themselves” part! I have no doubt about it!!



  210.  #210Apple Jacks on May 19, 2010 at 5:34 pm

    Awww thanks Siena. Just need to get my finances in order, you know? I want to get modern siren at least before I CDing.



  211.  #211Daria on May 21, 2010 at 5:25 pm

    Apple Jacks – I keep cliking on this post and feel electricity jolt triggered everytime

    I feel icky reading that you are waiting on a program before CD

    CD can be started instantly no program required!

    I don’t want to allow people to shoot themselves in the foot!

    I feel weird now like I’ve judged you. ACK. triggers everywhere today

    I want to run from it and make myself food.

    Ok.

    HI TRIGGER!

    thank you for being here

    I LOVE YOU!

    I LOVE MY FEELINGS!!



  212.  #212Apple Jacks on May 21, 2010 at 7:48 pm

    Hi Daria,

    thank you. I don’t feel judged by your trigger in fact I feel very well cared for. Truth is I am just not able to CD right now, or barely even able to date. Got way too much on my plate that is hard to explain through posting and don’t have much money left over barely to eat let alone spend gas money to even meet friends let alone a date. I have to save it for job interviews and doctor’s appointments for my mom and brother (his galbladder might need to be removed or something like that. Great thing is, he got a job with Fidelity, YAAAAAYYYY).

    I am getting there, though. I was hoping I could have Modern Siren at least before Targetting Mr. Right so that I would feel better armed with the tools and put them to practice rather than just my perception of what it is so far, because while i understand some of the tools conceptually I am still uncertain of how to put it into practice. Just taking it one step at a time.



  213.  #213Daria on May 21, 2010 at 10:20 pm

    Apple Jacks –

    online dating! to phone to

    meeting men around the corner from your house (without pointing out which one it is) hehe at a park or bench

    for 30 min meeting

    thats how i do it



  214.  #214Apple Jacks on May 21, 2010 at 10:51 pm

    Daria – any suggestions on what the best online dating site is? Sorry, I do not know anything about online dating at all. You’ll have to walk me through this.

    Also, I do not have any recent pictures of me. At all. I don’t even have a camera. How would I go about that. Any advice, suggestions?

    *Sing songy* These are my baby steps, yes they are, yes they are, oooohhhhh, oooooohhhhh yes they are….I feel silly now. I love my silliness.



  215.  #215Daria on May 21, 2010 at 11:09 pm

    Apple Jacks – hmmm on the pictures. Ask a friend to take them?

    oooh! if you have a friend with a webcam (they’re like 20 bucks) then you can SEE what they’re gonna look like and take like 300 pictures in 10 minutes and pick the best ones

    I just do it straight from MYSPACE

    you can also do it from FACEBOOK

    put up SEXY! pictures… and you’re off

    the men will start contacting you!

    Theres also Plenty of Fish, which is free, and I heard people are starting to use it…

    and other Goddesses here know about a lot of other sites!

    I find that men contact me on myspace because i have sexy pics and my profile is daring, not like i went to school i work,

    but jsut a couple lines so they know im non conventional



  216.  #216Apple Jacks on May 22, 2010 at 9:09 am

    Thanks Daria. I’ll be searching for a webcam. Sexy pictures, huh? This keeps getting better, lol. I have a facebook account but it’s got NO pictures and I never used it for dating. But I had all these ideas of the kind of pictures I wanted to upload on them and got creative, I just need a camera.

    I checked out plenty of fish. It’s a relief that it’s free as that really makes it easy for me. Off to investigate on some pictures so I can put some on there.

    I used to be very camera shy in my 20s, I avoided pictures like the plague. They were always used for marriage potentials and that would make me tense up and I never liked them and becamse self-conscious. Starting to come out of that now.



  217.  #217Angel Princess on May 22, 2010 at 6:21 pm

    I love my wonderful caring and handsome man he’s the only one important to me. I feel like that it’s the best and special thing to ever happen to me. I’m so sweet kind caring loyal respectful and considerate of himself and his feelings all the time. I’m the one that has changed so much since he has left me alone for awhile now and since he has done so. I’m a different woman now and it had to be that way for way too long and. I’m so 🙂 he’s given me space to rethink my thoughts and words that it was the best thing he had to do for me and now since. I’ve put my feelings and emotions and myself to the side for a really long time. I have been better now and it’s more right for he and. I to start all over again and maybe he has seen me as a changed woman now and my love for him has grown stronger and deeper for the better and. It’s such a wonderful feeling for he and. I now more than ever before and all that. I have to say to him the next time he calls me. I’m going to say hi how have you been since we have been in the wrong about eachother and he will say to me. Angela and then it will be right for me to say yes. Israel.. I’m always here for you regardless ok my first and favorite man now and forever. I LOVE YOU so much more with each passing day and then he says the same words to me in return. I LOVE YOU so much more with each passing day also. Angela and awe how sweet is that my most handsome man after my heart.