Love and Messengers — Part II

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flowerheartI’ve been holding onto something for weeks. I don’t want to broach the subject, don’t want to get started. I’ve given up Mother’s Day to the mothers who’ve come before me, I’ve given up evenings of reading to work, and I’ve given up some dreams I’d forgotten for the real of everyday.

I’m not even sure where I am now. It’s like floating in-between what I thought I wanted, what I really want, and what I have. It’s like a dance from the pets to the daughter, to the husband, to the computer, to the clients, to the kitchen, to bed.

And where, I ask, looking in the mirror, toothbrush in hand, is my heart?

Where is it sitting while the files pile on the desk and then get put away, while the dog eats and the dish gets washed, while the Scrabble game sits unfinished late on Sunday?

And whose heart is it anyway, this heart of mine?

I breathe into it, this cave dwelling heart of mine. I breathe out of it. I sit down. Well, I think….and then I realize this isn’t at all about thinking.

I could live and die a thousand lifetimes of thinking and not know anything.

I can sit for one moment and feel what I feel and know everything I need to know.

Yeah, there’s a fabulous party up the hill tomorrow night. And I’d rather be here writing. Yeah, there’s a newsletter to be written, and I’d rather be at a fabulous party. Confusion, Lies, the Opposite of Peace.

Your lists can talk to you. The messenger can be anything, and the message is what you’re willing to hear.

Try this:

1. If you’re in disarray, things everywhere, in overwhelm and confusion, feeling lost and tugged on from every direction, stand in the middle of it all and stop.

Just stop cold. Go to absolute stillness.

2. Imagine all the energy circling around you, all the voices, the items on the list calling to you, your heart wanting to go one way, your mind wanting to go another.

Hear them all, feel them all.

3. Expand the energy you can handle by holding your arms out to the sides.

Imagine your energy from your fingertips expanding out so that you can literally touch the walls.

Now imagine expanding even farther, so your fingers can touch the streets in both directions. Breathe in through your heart and out through your heart, and now…

4. Drop everything into your pelvis.

Like a lead weight, drop all the voices into your pelvis while you’re still feeling as if you can touch the streets.

5. Now imagine you can touch the ocean on one side, and the mountain on another. Keep breathing.

6. Feel your boundaries as a steel cord going down from your backbone into the center of the earth, or a flower with roots going down into the earth.

7. Smack your foot into the floor and say “I’m grounded.”

8. Now ask yourself what would feel good.

If the first thing that comes to mind is walking off to the beach and leaving everything on your desk, go do that in your imagination.

*Go to the beach. Lie in the sand. Feel the sun.
*Lie down on the floor if you want to.
*Experience the pleasure of the beach.
*Fall asleep on the floor, feel the sand between your fingers. Take your time. Breathe.

9. Now ask if there’s anything else that would feel good.

It might be something from your list. Cleaning the house, straightening your desk, writing letters, returning e-mail. One thing. Whatever comes up first.

If the first thought feels bad, discard it.

10. Let the voices from all directions speak to you, and the next idea that feels good, do it. Just get up and do it.

Now, here’s the trick. While you’re doing it, if you feel yourself going back to overwhelm, racing mind, all that, do the same exercise over. Stop. Ground Yourself. Imagine the cord or the flower roots and all that energy anchoring you in your pelvis, imagine it holding you to the earth. Imagine your fingertips touching the ocean on one side and the mountains on the other.

And keep doing what you’re doing.

Stay with what you’re doing — whether it’s about paper and the computer, or doing your nails, or taking a nap.

Every time your mind takes you somewhere that doesn’t feel good, reel it back in, drop it to your pelvis, and go where it does feel good. If you’re sorting mail, and images of a fantasy weekend with an imaginary lover pop up – by all means enjoy it!

The key here is to follow the trail of what feels good.

If you work with this, things will get done. Why? Because you’ll be spending less time resisting it and more time accomplishing or enjoying it.

The messenger can come from anywhere. Now you get to discover what the message is by allowing it in.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Linda on September 12, 2009 at 12:33 pm

    I dont know how to do this. I get bombarded all the time with messages, longings almost that would just feel so good. I feel like I am just passify things in my life. Doing other stuff that feels good for the moment but does not last. The deeper things still come back.

    I still want the relationship that the last man I was involved with to happen. It would feel so good for it to have happened. I fight thoughts of ways to make it happen. Its like I have been chewing on a problem till I all the flavor is out of it and then I stick it in my hair to save for later.

    I get these longings… like getting in the car to find his new condo or go to his work…it would feel so good to reunite. It would feel so good to feel good deep down.


  2.  #2Symantha on September 12, 2009 at 1:21 pm

    we are connected in this blog, I can feel you connected to me and all of the girls that are part of the Sirend Island!
    I just feel drained and If I go out to have fun I feel my to do list follows me all the time, like I don’t deserve to enjoy life until haven’t go up to my own standards.
    Waking up early so I can have more time to read, study and do all the things I want to do and enjoy fully the weekends but there’s a strange force who is holding me back… to the early mornings, to keed tyde up and the to do list! Also I feel low energy and fatigue… when sleeping dreaming too much so it’s like Im not getting rest so I need more energy to go and finish up what I need to do.
    I’ll keep practicing these tools and let you know the improvements 😀
    Thanks again

  3.  #3Daria on September 12, 2009 at 9:22 pm

    Last week I used the blender… maybe first time ever on my own. I blended peas and blackbeans to mix into an Amy’s organic barley soup. Result : yum.

    Today I made my first “green” smoothie. I asked my dad to buy dark greens for me (practicing asking for stuff )… he did and I took a bunch of handfuls and some cantalope. Added about a cup of water … and there was my smoothie! omgosh yummm! my dad didn’t like it he said it tasted too much like lettuce. My nose is still feeling stuffed, so I can’t smell anything, It tasted like cantaloupe to me. Btu knowing my tastes I would probably like it even straight lettuce. I like my tea without sugar everytime.

    Oh and I ate some seaweed for the first time (well I bought it for the first time) and again I loved it. It was really salty, I couldn’t taste much cuz my stuffy nose, but I kept wanting to snack on it. I’m going to get kelp because the bodywork trauma release guy says kelp is the one that helps tension in the fascia release… I forgot what. I know I liked it and I felt really good eating it and after too.

    I feel so happy this was so easy! I didn’t even have to buy a juicer. Why would a juicer be better than a blender? I dono.

  4.  #4Tracy on September 13, 2009 at 1:10 am

    Thank you for such a great post.I’ve been practicing with feeling the moment and moving from one good feeling to another and i have realized that the more i feel good the more i attract good feeling moments in my life…
    II am learning to let go and enjoying the moment and trusting God to take care of everything…
    I see the world now as something much more beautiful and i feel that my eyes have been opened to a new reality…a reality that really feels good and i am learning to keep myself within that…
    Thank you….and everyone else on this blog…i feel more connected to everyone and everything going on…
    Been going through the same experience of really wishing my guy would come back…miracles would happen sort of thing…i have however switched to not thinking so much about him but instead appreciating what is around me…i am circular dating and honestly that has really helped to destruct my attention….i noticed that the more i think about him i feel sad unhappy anxious….when i don’t and think of a nice date i am much happier and relaxed…I am not in anyway 100% trust me but its helping me a lot and the best thing is i am learning to let go of circumstances and instead trusting that what i desire will manifest….
    so every moment those thoughts come around i remind myself that ii don’t need to do anything,that the universe will sort me out and all i need to do is keep myself happy and in tune who i really i am…then i make myself up and go for a nice date or do something fun…

  5.  #5Linda on September 13, 2009 at 8:18 am

    Tracy, thank you.

    I have been circular dating. I went out Friday night. I told him a ride in his convertible would feel wonderful. He brought it and it did. I am not attracted to him sexually but he is fun…..The weekend before was an eeewwwh date. (the one I told point blank I was not feeling any attraction to). I have met and been out with lots of guys this year. The thing I am finding is they are momentary blips, no matter my attitude, it all has proven to illuminate what isnt and what I miss more. There was a time I was juggling talking to and dating 5 guys over a period of 3 months..(not boasting) It was then that I met the guy I miss now.

    Not everything is in the dumper…. wow I had my issues at work that amazingly worked out in my favor above and beyond this week. Being out from under all of that is such a relief. It has been a long time coming.
    I do think of other things and do stuff for myself that make me happy. Little things like open the window so I can hear the birds and feel connected to outside. Cuddle with my dog. Let myself indulge in a piece of chocolate cake. Thing is most the time I am alone. I am not content in this state. No matter what I do, how I think, where I go….I am very aware of my true feelings. I guess that is why I feel like all these are things feel like I am trying to pacify myself.

    I have this strong need to be emotionally connected to someone. I dont need lots of people in my life, just one. This is what is missing. My children are grown, my mother lectures, most men at this age (50) have had so many unhealthy relationships and women that they are all locked up and scared to death to trust a female or trust themselves to make a committment again. This is what the main issue was with the last man. He would come so close, but then withdraw. I shut down toward him told him I had had enough, told him point blank what my needs were…He pursued me… and I finally opened back up toward him and he shut down again with another reason to do so. I believed with all my heart that he would finally stop after the last long heart to heart talk we had.

    I spent the day alone yesterday, mowed the grass, ate some chocolate cake. Did some cross stitch, things I had to do and enjoyed…. I showered… went to bed, had the window open so I could enjoy the soothing night sounds…. I dozed off but was awakened by the sounds of gun shot. Not just one but lots. Then sirens… I was frightened. I lay in my bed and cried. I live in an area where you would not think you would hear such a thing but is slowly being encroached by people who do not have the values and lifestyle as the homeowners here in this area. I feel unsafe, and scared and like I will be alone and unconnected and unvalued for ever. I cant find any comfort today. The sun is out the dogs are laying in the yard and I… I need a miracle.


  6.  #6Tracy on September 13, 2009 at 11:52 am

    I can resonate with the feeling of loneliness and frustration…hang in there a miracle is well underway…
    been circular dating as well and i am learning to be honest with my feelings.This new guy i met with whom i’ve gone on two dates with said his not married but his facebook status says different…i asked him about it and he affirmed he’s not i asked why he’d put a status he wasn’t…Urgggggh
    I feel tired of men who are not clear of what and where they are….I just came from having an affair and i am done with that crap…i told him i felt uncomfortable with his status…and at his house i felt uncomfortable and unsafe….i even sat away from him…
    I don’t feel the energy to meet him again…i feel disconnected from him…I feel that i’d be more comfortable if we just remained friends for now….I feel done with drama in my life…
    I am off to bed now..hugs everyone..

  7.  #7Daria on September 13, 2009 at 12:18 pm

    I’m feeling weird. I feel good looking at the blue gray sky. I feel good feeling the chill air. It feels calm. I feel tension rising from my belly through my chest and into my mouth, tensing up the roof of my mouth and my top lip. The top of my head feels stuffy still.

    I feel tingling in my tummy, on the right side, and squeezing. I feel i want to eat.

    I feel icky and oily on my skin, my hair feels uncomfortable and I want to shower.

    I’m feeling myself wanting to dive forward with my eyes closed.

    my butt feels tingly and uncomfortable… i feel tense on the side of my neck and face saying that.

    I love my feelings. I love my feeling unsure and uncomfortable. I love my feeling scared and alone. i love my feeling tight deep in my belly, on the side of me too and on the side of my face. I love feeling the anger tingling the right side of my chest. I love my feeling of fear. I love my fear and that feels like a sigh. I love my sigh and that feels like a warming tingle all around the side of my body. I love my warming tingle and that feels like melting inside like a wave.

    I’m going to shower now and i want to feel more healthy afterward. i expect that i will.

  8.  #8alias girl on September 13, 2009 at 1:04 pm

    rori what a lovely post. i have really been taking to heart this idea of following the breadcrumb trail of what feels good. i feel very happy doing this and it really feels adventurous to do this. and i also feel more free.

    i also like the exercise and tools of expanding. ah that feel s good. i love reading all these tools and am slowly learning to create them for myself.

    so thank you goddess rori.

    linda i felt yummy reading about your day. even the gunshots . (hey i’m weird.) i mean as long as nobody got hurt an/d they didn’t come near you then how exciting. but yeah not sure if i’d want them near my open window.

    i feel good to reaad of tracy and linda’s progress. tracy i felt firmly rooted in good feelings to read you drew that boundary with an UNAVAILABLE man who is just looking to TAKE from you and not provide for you. yae! i feel good to hear your no to him.

    miracles totally happen. in my experience and belief system. so if people want to find a perfect mate then they will. period.

  9.  #9Ann on September 13, 2009 at 1:08 pm


  10.  #10Laura on September 13, 2009 at 3:53 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I downloaded your ebook last night in a desperate attempt to get out of spiral with my man. I really hope that you can contact me about personal coaching. I am so stuck and unskilled in that I am blundering majorly on own.

    I don’t even recognize what energy I am in currently.

    I have a long distance relationship and its confusing me. We have spent countless hours online and on the phone and texting and about 2 months in person over a year.

    2 weeks ago he proposed when visiting me – without a ring, we set a date, and he went home. We wrote out our plans, and since he got home, he calls less, texts less and never emails anymore.

    I got scared and sad and asked him if this is too soon because of this new distant behavior. He really never answers me either way.

    Tonight I asked if he thought we should see different people because I’m so confused and trying unsuccessfully to get a handle on who I am to him in this relationship and who he is to me. He was surprised and said he didn’t like the idea because he loves me. He said feels like he is disappointing me by not doing something and has nothing else to say. I have nothing to say either. I feel so powerless. I cry more that I laugh – he says he feels like he’s not good for my head. I have tried to end it with him, but don’t know if I should. He admitted that he really doesn’t know what he wants in a woman but that he likes me. I could throw up. Am I wasting my time? What happened?

    I’m so frustrated. I feel like he is playing with me.

    Please, please, I know that you are busy, but if you offer any personal coaching, I really need some help.

    I’ll go back to the ebook now.

  11.  #11Linda on September 13, 2009 at 4:40 pm

    Wow Alias girl !

    You found my story of my day yummy? I guess it could read that way but it did not feel that way to me. I am tired of being alone, sick and tired of it. I am tired of takers, and men babbling in my life to suit them. I fear becoming cynical. I dont know what to believe . A man who says he loves you every day and leaves or one who tells you you are missing something for him and leaves but then comes back time and time again.

    Miracles? I need one in the worst way to show up. I had a dream a few months ago that the man I was involved with last, the one that says I am not enough… He came to my house, I had not seen him in a quite a while. He walked in the door and took me by the hand, saying nothing. He escorted me out to his car, opened the door as a gentleman and closed it behind me. He got in and drove. I did not say a word just watched him. As we drove we came up on some road blocks and fog. It looked impassable. But he began skillfully manuvering through and when we reached the final one on the top, the sun came out and the road ahead was clear and stretched unhindered in front of us. I woke up then.

    I felt this dream was prophetic . I knew it when I had it…. I had hoped that it would come true. I know what the dream means and the road blocks mean. I think it would be a flat out miracle if did.

    I have tried so hard to remain positive, do other things, be thankful, I get it accomplished sometimes, I just cant maintain it. I cant find any breadcrumbs to follow right now. The week ends are killer for me. Too much time alone too much alone.


  12.  #12alias girl on September 13, 2009 at 6:24 pm

    yes linda there were so many sensual details that you wrote… i feel compassion though. i understand loneliness. i have been dating myself. i know it might sound lame-o. like HEY I AM TIRED OF BEING ALONE and I DON’T WANT TO DATE MYSELF.

    but i am having fun. even on my horrendous social outings (like yesterday). (i have been using a website called so i show up to an event with a bunch of people i don’t know) and this has been great for me to try and socialize. also i, like i said, have been dating myself. lately i almost always attract a man to me even if he’s not a keeper he’s a man to practice with.

    i know these things still don’t solve the issue of finding the man to settle down with but for me they kind of do. my self esteem is so much greater and i really feel like i do not need a man to be happy in this life.

    which i feel makes me a great goddessy candidate to finding the perfect match for me. i feel this ability to summons my own happiness will be a great contribution to the relationship i have with a man (who can also summons his own happiness)

    but i feel compassion for the down days linda. i just reach for the little baby step of a better thought. ie. pshew thank goodness i didn’t get shot last night!

    and then the next best thought. wow it really is so lovely to sleep with my window open.

    to the next best thought. i really am lucky to live in this place that i have made my home.

    to the next best thought. and that chocolate cake was soooo good. and now the sun is shining and the dogs are just basking in the sun.

    wow. i really am lucky to have such models and examples of how to bask worry free in the good ness of life. maybe i’ll go pet the dogs.

    is that what i want to do? what would feel good right now? well a man of my own would feel good (uh uh wrong way turn around we;re looking for good feelings)

    well i know that man is on his way. there is no doubt in my mind so in the meantime i might as well enjoy right now. what would feel good right now?

    maybe a walk to the park? no. i don’t feel like putting on jeans and leaving the house. ok what would feel good right now? hmmm… maybe check out that site alias girl mentioned and see if they have a cross stitching meet up.

    or maybe i’ll practice a little of the new language i am trying to learn. nah. i just want to watch tv. ok what would feel good to watch? no i don’t want to watch tv. i want to go to the store and pick up items for that new recipe i want to try.

    etc etc. i just try and find my way to what feels good right NOW. and also mix in a lot of appreciation.

    i don’t know if it works for everyone but it feels good to me to do this.

  13.  #13Linda on September 13, 2009 at 7:19 pm

    Alias girl….Hey, I like the description there. It is very practical for me to follow. Even the wrong turn… Thanks. I think I get it.


  14.  #14Tracy on September 13, 2009 at 9:15 pm

    I feel so much progress in what you just wrote.Thanks for reminding me to switch back to my good feeling moments…My date yesterday made me feel so angry and frustrated but deep down i think what really came out were my insecurities and lack of faith in myself…
    I felt judgmental towards him but i see now that the person i was judging was myself…harshly to say the least…
    I intend to have a good and loving relationship with myself my man and the rest of the world…and i choose to follow a path that feels good for me no matter what is right in front of me…and i choose to use my circular dating men to help me find this good place…and i choose to settle only for what feels great…
    I am feeling much better now..

  15.  #15Teri on September 14, 2009 at 8:20 am

    Dear Rori,
    I have a unique situation. I dated this man once. Then we started exchanging emails frequently. Then he asked if I would like to come over and watch an adult movie with him. I knew what this was leading too, and I agreed. That was a little more than 2 years ago. He says he has developed feelings for me, but he is still confused about whether he should get back together with his ex-wife. (Their divorce was 4 years ago.) He says, “I guess I just can’t let go of 30 years of marriage that easily.” We just recently, finally, started going out on dates. Out to dinner, to a play, to a concert. Usually our dates have been mainly about sex. I realize that once a woman has sex with a man, she releases pitocin, a hormone that causes feelings of more attraction. I was already attracted to this man before we had our first “date.” That was before I had read any of your materials and thought if I was really good in bed-and we are TOTALLY sexually compatible- that that would be a strong attractor for him. (Evidently his wife,(he has told me) was little to non-responsive in bed.) But just last week after our concert date,10 days after to be exact- he told me he needed “to take a break from ‘our dating.'” This has happened before at least 5 or 6 times during the 2 years we have been seeing each other. He is kind, says he doesn’t want to hurt me-but he needs “to get his head on straight.” I have no doubts that he truly needs to do that. I have gently suggested using the “I feel” message that a therapist might be helpful in sorting out his dilemma. I’m using the Circular Dating route and it’s for that reason that I am not falling to pieces over this. My question is–is there anything else I can do, to make myself more attractive to this man? Sex is an important part of his life, and he say’s that I am the “most sexually compatible partner he’s ever had in his life.” I am sexually exclusive with him, or was, however long this break-up lasts. Right now, I want to write him a long email, tell him how sh*tty his behavior is. How it makes me feel used, etc.
    But when we come back together we’re even closer than we were before. I don’t want to blow it with him. He’s handsome, has a great job, doesn’t have any addictions, and is just a normal, sweet guy. The first one in my life. (I’ve been married 3 times, the first was an alcoholic, the second was a pot smoker, and the 3rd was an alcoholic that just wasn’t drinking, but wasn’t fully into recovery.) So this guy is a GREAT CATCH! Except for his doubts about his ex-wife. I don’t neccessarily want marriage even, I just want a long-term committment from him. Does that sound weird?
    Of course I’d rather be married, but I would be happy with a long-term relationship, committed, and living together. Thanks for all your other help. I have your Commitment Blueprint, but haven’t finished the whole thing-yet.
    Thanks again,

  16.  #16Frannie on September 14, 2009 at 8:27 am

    Hi everyone,

    I read this blog and the comments regularly but have not had the courage to comment myself until now. First of all, Rori- fantastic post. Thank you for this… what a wonderful tool/exercise!!

    I am feeling so utterly distracted right now because of my situation with my long-distance boyfriend. I really feel like I need the support of all of you. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. He lives 3 hours away and we see each other about every other weekend (although in the beginning of our relationship we saw each other a lot more because we each had fewer responsibilities). He was supposed to move up here with me 6 months ago and backed out at the last minute… broke my heart. We broke up for a few weeks and then got back together. He said he “didn’t have anything to offer me and wasn’t a complete, whole man yet”. Upon consideration, I discovered that I agree with that statement. So for the past 5 months he’s been doing his thing, I’m doing my thing, and overall we have a very healthy, wonderful, and fun relationship. I feel very safe with him. He has told me that he is definitely going to move up her in December and that he wants to be engaged first. I told him “You don’t have to tell me that. If you promise me this and then you don’t follow through I will have to end things with us.” I’m in graduate school, just got a great job, and I have a lot going for me. I’m young, I know I’m attractive, and I’m not going to sit around waiting forever. When I set this boundary with him, he said “I know and I will just have to show you in time that I want to marry you and be with you forever. Thank you for trusting me and being patient.” Then 2 weeks ago he told me he’ll be ready to propose in “a month and a half”. He said by that time he will “be done taking care of the things he needs to take care of to feel like a man” (they are financial things). So now I am trying to not say a single word about engagement, about whether or not he is going to come up here, nothing. I am trying to lean back… and it is very hard. I find myself CONSTANTLY wondering “is he really going to propose? really going to move? are we really going to get married?” and I feel a little bit like a fool. I’m anxious all the time. I know I am supposed to be circular dating but I don’t know how to do that in this situation. I get asked out by guys constantly and it just makes me really uncomfortable… I feel like I’m in this weird spot where he hasn’t actually put a ring on my finger, but he is supposedly ABOUT TO, so is it even okay for me to circular date? My anxiety causes me to overfunction and now I’m concerned that I’m doing things that are going to backfire! I hope this all made sense… I am really looking forward to some wonderful feedback that everyone on this blog always shares. Much love to you all.


  17.  #17Tina on September 14, 2009 at 11:00 am

    Alias girl, I liked your version of Linda’s post. It has a whole different FEEL to it than Linda’s. I understand your loneliness to Linda, it’s just so difficult at times to see the good stuff in it, like that big chocolate cake yum!.

  18.  #18Linda on September 14, 2009 at 1:09 pm

    Tina… when I wrote my post I was not writing from a place of feeling good. I wish I could say that I found pleasure in my day. Maybe I did just a tad but that is why I am here. ttitude is everything I guess. I want to improve, be a better, happier, positive person. Little by little step by step it comes.

    It has been hard for me to dismiss that the words that were spoken to me by him. I know that we are supposed to go on actions but the words are stuck inside me too . Why would a man say all those things and not mean them. SOme of it is just cruel. Has he no conscious?

    Stress has been hanging on me for months. I am just going to have to make it better for me. My new location for work should help. No more believing words from him. Showing up and being the strong man like he said he wanted to be would be great…..I never want another visit from the “king if empty words” OK good thoughts…

    Right now, what would feel good? a nap. I was up too late a nap it is…after that I will see what feels good.

  19.  #19Roxy on September 14, 2009 at 3:16 pm

    I just broke up with my boyfriend a week ago today. It’s been hard. Every day since has felt like I was going in slow motion. I’ve been crying a lot. But I realized the break-up is something I pushed for and he finally granted, but now it just hurts deep down the core of my being. Everything Rori has said about dysfunctional relationship, I had with this man. I finally discovered that he was a ‘toxic’ man from reading about the “Toxic Men” program. I wanted so badly for him to just commit to me in some way (we’d been dating 9 months) and he just kept pulling away, stopped texting (he loved texting/rarely ever called) stopped including me in any of his plans, stopped talking about me being in his future, etc. I knew it was pretty much over. Then I found out through looking at our phone bill that he was texting an old girlfriend. He had told me a few months before when I found a flirty email from her to him that she meant nothing and he wasn’t talking to her. Then I found out he had been talking to her for months through texts and there was even a ‘coffee’ date they shared. I confronted him about it and he said he thought we should break up, but remain friends. Then he went as far as to ask if I was going to date anyone and stated that he didn’t want to date anyone yet. He acted as if we should break up but neither one of us should date anyone! I’m so confused. He never did explain his texting and ‘coffee date’ to me. I ended up calling the girl who said she was ‘just a friend’ and was married and he kept in contact with her for friendship reasons. Why wouldn’t he tell me that? And why don’t I believe what she says. I’ve been divorced–he cheated. So I have my suspicions that easily arise, but why couldn’t we talk about it? Why did he shut down and not discuss anything with me? And why does he not want me to date anyone else even though we’ve broken up. I didn’t ask him to do that. I think we both should move on and see other people. As far as remaining friends, I am willing to try, but since I can’t trust him to communicate with me, I don’t know how that’s even going to work. I’m frustrated. I haven’t lost hope, but it seems like I find myself in this position more often than not with men. I think I fell in to the trap of being his ‘everything’ and losing myself in the process. Maybe that’s what drove him away. I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. I just want to find a way to move forward and learn from these mistakes but become wiser and make better choices in the future.

  20.  #20Rori Raye on September 14, 2009 at 3:46 pm

    Roxy, Welcome, and I’m sorry for your pain –but this has nothing to do with him. We’ve already agreed that he’s “toxic.” The important question is — why do you want a toxic man? If you can, get the Toxic Men program, and work with everything you find here to boost your self-esteem and get yourself out of this co-dependent, self-destructive pattern with men. Love, Rori

  21.  #21Rori Raye on September 14, 2009 at 3:56 pm

    Frannie – hang out with those men. If he asks, say, I don’t want to get all hung up on when and if you’ll propose, so I’m just going to keep my options open until it actually happens. Smile at him. This is all about taking care of yourself. Love, Rori

  22.  #22Rori Raye on September 14, 2009 at 4:03 pm

    Laura, I don’t think this is an engagement. There’s too much confusion. Please flirt and Circular Date around, and if someone shows up who wants to see you and who you like and who’s doing a better job with you than this guy…you can tell him what’s up, and if you’re still engaged or not, and what your requirements for shutting down your options are…Love, Rori

  23.  #23Aggy on September 15, 2009 at 5:03 am

    I just love this post, bravo Rori and all the sirens in this ireland
    Felt very nice when I was visualizing extending my energy to touch the ocean and mountain, right at that moment I imagined being with my man and him kissing me passionately…… that felt realllly good waw!
    Rori I bought your e-book sometime back am noticing a small difference but I hope with time I’ll get the whole concept.
    when I communicate in feeling messages its like offending him sometimes, last time he accused me of being too reactive, I felt pissed off by his words
    I am circular dating big time, right now I will say with three men, the most important thing that I’ve noticed is that I do not think much about him… I realy need to get to that place where I’ll be okay regardless of his behaviour
    The 2nd man am seeing wants sex two months into us meeting, I told himI will not go there until there is a real committment in our relationship, then he wondered what committiment are you talking about. You mean you do not trust what I tell you? I told him words are not enough I need to see actions, that offended him and now he is quiet for 3 days now. but the good thing is its okay to me no whatever comes up
    waw! waw! this is a big step for me sirens, a big hug to all
    lots of love

  24.  #24Aggy on September 15, 2009 at 5:29 am

    oops! I meant I will be ok no matter what this 2nd man decides
    The main reason that made me buy the e-book is so that my no.1 man will stick around, I was focused on him soo much, I guess its bcoz we had amazing sex…. its now 3 months since we had sex, he says he has financial problems ( can this make one not want to have sex?) Nways its good for me coz somehow it has realy helped me not to focus on him soo much
    He calls me his fiancee, I love him the chemistry is great
    sometimes I think he might be toxic coz he realy messes up, does not follow up on what we agree, does not call sometiomes for even 2 weeks e.t.c
    Do we have a relationshop??? sometimes I wonder
    Any advise??

  25.  #25Mercedes on September 15, 2009 at 6:52 am

    Rori: I love your answer to Roxy, Frannie and Laura. I agree ladies…Circular Date! You are all with men who want you to believe at some point in time they are “ready” for a real relationship with you…but they don’t show that to you. “Waiting” for a man simply sucks! For those of you in long distance relationships, I can relate. My bf and I were in a ld relationship (over 1200 miles apart) for about 2 1/2 years. My biggest mistake was not Circular Dating at that time. When we did finally get closer (I moved to his state), we had so much pressure on ourselves and so much changed by being able to see each other every day…well…it was a total disaster. Everything ended up working out beautifully in the end, but I believe with all my heart that so much of our pain and confusion could have been avoided had I been seeing other men.

    I was too in love and blind to do that. When he cheated on me, I decided Circular Dating was my new way of life. It scared the crap out of him, but eventually, it all worked out and I got that committed relationship I so wanted. All of that took time, but the best thing I did for us was to walk away from him (who wasn’t quite “ready” for me but was “feeling feelings he’d never felt before” and “never wanting to lose me” and “scared because of his past but falling for me” and “blah blah blah”) and I started Circular Dating. I started learning about ME. I started discovering what I REALLY needed in a relationship. I started setting boundaried (really strong ones).

    And before I knew it, this man who wasn’t “quite sure” or “ready to fully commit” and who had cheated on me turned around on a dime and started pursuing me like crazy. I was focused on me. He was focused on me. (and who would want that in their life?)

    Now, I have the commitment I want with the man of my dreams…and for him, because of my dating other men…he gets a woman who truly knows what she wants, is stronger than he ever dreamed and who he knows will challenge him daily to be the love of her life.

    Anyway…long story long…I agree with Rori. Circular Date like crazy girls!

    Much Love,

  26.  #26alias girl on September 15, 2009 at 9:51 am

    congrats aggy on your success!

    i remember i met this guy once and every other statement was a feeling message from me in the vein of

    i feel bad
    i feel mocked
    i feel unheard
    i feel bad

    etc etc etc

    he had made some comment about me being too this or too that in response to all my feeling messages. but i very quickly realized i FELT BAD around this man. it didn’t matter whether he was doing things or saying things either purposefully or just unconsciously to hurt me. or neither. it had nothing to do with me. he was just be who he was. But i FELT BAD around him. and that became an easy decision. he was like but why??

    i agree with mercedes and rori and all the sirens who believe circular dating is the way out of pain and into a better life.

    aggy i feel encouraging. the feeling messages really feel like magic to me. a very good compass.

  27.  #27Daria on September 15, 2009 at 12:29 pm

    Rori – did you see Terri’s post above? she may have gotten lost in the fray…

  28.  #28Teri on September 15, 2009 at 5:48 pm

    Got a reply from Rori, do not worry. She basically said I was in addictive relationship and in order for me to BE in an addictive relationship I must Be an addict myself.
    I must have left out some crucial details, because this doesn’t at all feel like the addictive relationships I’ve had before.
    He is REALLY messed up about the divorce of his wife of 30 years and I won’t compete with that. I refuse. He needs counseling, I know it, he knows it. Its just a matter of him getting to a counselor to sort out his feelings for her and me. I’m OK though. Got back on the internet this weekend and started sorting through all the online contacts that are available to me, and writing some to meet some new men. Besides he’s (my ex) has told me we need to part so many times because of this and I here from him within 2 weeks. So I’m not worried that he won’t be back. Only there will be some parameters this time. #1 is that he HAS to get into counseling. #2 no exclustivity.
    And you know what? I have so many other things going on in my life- I work, I go to school full-time, and I volunteer for CASA, plus do my homework, that I’m almost too busy in my life for a man. I have more than enough to handle than to let some guy ruin any of my days! Especially with my schooling.
    Love to all you Sirens out there!
    I’m OK!

  29.  #29Daria on September 15, 2009 at 6:23 pm

    Teri – lol. Rori said that to me before in some way and I was like addictive no way! But now that I’ve grown I realiezed it was true! lol… will reread your post in a sec, gotta run!!

    Great job with the activities and opening up to the other men!

  30.  #30Linda G on September 15, 2009 at 7:54 pm

    Rori, thank you for this post.I feel so overwhelmed right now with difficulties with my kids and parents. Mostly my daughter who has issues resulting from her special needs that are causing huge problems in her new school. I don’t know if I can expect a man to even opt into this scenario. I am falling apart.
    And I am in school as well.

    The men I was trying to connect with just faded away, a couple have written they have connected with another woman when I haven’t even found the time to call them back. This feels horrible, like I’ve missed something. I am not available and I don’t have the energy to start anything. I feel worried I won’t get the momentum of circular dating back, but I know a diva knows another and better man will show up when I am ready. Am I running out of time, I ask myself. I feel so selfish even worrying about this when my kids are in crisis.

    Tomorrow I have an intense meeting at her school. I hope this tool will ground me enough although this is one time I need to be strong on both the outside and inside. Strong is not the right word, nuclear is.

  31.  #31alias girl on September 15, 2009 at 10:32 pm

    good luck with the meeting at school tomorrow linda g. i visualize it going very well for you and am sending you good energy.

  32.  #32Flipper on September 16, 2009 at 3:27 am

    I’m feeling support and encouragement for you, too, LindaG. Remember, only when we really take care of ourselves will our children get the very best we can do for them. Hugs.

  33.  #33Linda G on September 16, 2009 at 3:42 am

    I feel so graciously thankful alias girl and flipper for your support. It means so much to have kind words of encouragement…

  34.  #34No Bliss on September 16, 2009 at 11:15 am


    I read all these posts, and think wow,

    I feel jealous
    I feel sad
    I feel like I am drowning, in my own lack of understanding.
    I read all the post and I feel and overload –
    what do I do first , how do I tackle this mess I am in. I am not good with words, or expressing myself.. You all have an amazing way of putting how you feel.

    My guy 17yrs on.. after 3 years of just horrible merry-go-round YUK. Still wants to make us work.. Without trying. He told me today on the phone as he’s away working, that he’s having a bad week. Not coping with everything. He feels left out that his new friends are out partying, and he’s not. He feels he’s missing out. He likes to meet new woman everyday – they make him feel good all the time, they fun to talk to hand with, he want to socialzie with them, just have fun, He does not want a relationship with them, thats what he wants with me, he said he want his kids and I, but he also wants the freedom to have friends that i do not socialize with. He can go out when he wants and come home the next day if he’s too drunk.. He should not have to go out pubs clubs with me, and if he did he would want to hang with me, he’s there to be with other people not me. I have not been out socially with him in 3 year..
    I know he’s a funny guys, who draws in the crowds and everyone loves to be around him the life of hte party.. he makes any woman feel good with his smile or a kind word.. they all melt..

    He comes home on saturday night, been away nearly 10days, he wants us to pick him up from the airport, so he can spend sometime with us before he goes out with his mates, he won’t be home till sometime the next day as they are all going to get drunk and have a fun night.. with their partners and friends.. I am not included.. he doesn’t want me to meet them ( i know – thats bad)

    I feel bad,

    We have maybe 2-3 good weeks together then he starts all this all over again..

    I feel i am spiralling again..
    No idea what to say , what to do, i mess every conversation up.

    I feel i need a life coach..
    I need something.
    I am sick of people and him always talking down to me, yelling at me, or just bullying me cause they can.

    I want to for once in my life, get a phone call or a friend drop in cause they want to see me.. that has never happened.. I always contact people, to make plans. No one ever wants to hang with me.. Not even my so called husband,.. he says if you want to go out then organise it.. or it won’t happen..

    I am so lost
    I am so sad
    I am sick of it all

    I want to feel warm again.. and enjoy the day

  35.  #35Rori Raye on September 17, 2009 at 10:02 pm

    No Bliss – This is all about your self-esteem. Work on that, and the rest will follow. Love, Rori

  36.  #36TW on September 20, 2009 at 5:26 pm

    Hello all of my friends…

    I have a situation. A lot of you know the past between myself and my LI. Well things were going great and then all of a sudden he shut down and shut me out. He had been having some financial problems as well as going through other things. We always talked about everything but he chose not to share these things with me. The other day we had lunch and he asked me to talk to him about some emotional stuff that I had written to him in some e mails. I opened up and talked to him but since he was on his lunch the conversation could not get too deep as we only had one hour. He told me that I was the only person that he was sleeping with and that if he goes out and sees females that he knows while he is out then he will hang out with them then there is nothing more than that. He is not dating anyone other than me either. When I got home that night, I felt the need to clean… I was cleaning out everything and even cleaning base boards as though I was getting everything out. He has put his house up for sale and I think it is a good time for us to move in together as I have lost my job and fincially it will help me out plus it will give me a chance to see if we could really make it on a different level. Anyway, I wonder why he always makes me lead the emotional conversations like he wants me to make all of the moves. I love him and I want to be with him and I want the family but that was not the right time to say all of that because I would not be able to finish. I wrote everything down that I want to say in feeling messages and want to read it to him but is that a good idea. It makes me wonder if he just wants me to lead the way. My therapist seems to think that he wants me to say what I want and then he will know what to do. What do you guys think???

  37.  #37TW on September 20, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    Rori… I would really like for you to chime in on this one if you have the time. I know you are busy so if not I understand

  38.  #38Roxy on September 20, 2009 at 5:37 pm

    You’re right-I have been with a toxic man. I do really need to find out why attract these kind of men, and how to stop being co-dependent and wasting time being in these dead-end kind of relationships. The one thing I don’t understand is why (it’s been 2 weeks since I broke up with my toxic man) he emailed me a few days ago and said he was never going to fall in love with anyone else, and how he was probably going to end up alone for the rest of his life. He got upset that I mentioned we both should start dating other people. He said back to me, “If that’s what makes you happy. Go ahead and start right now.” I know this is all toxic behavior, but how do I let go of my sadness and let his words just be that…words? How do I stop feeling bad about about what he says and let it go and move on? Each time he says something like this I feel like it takes me 2 or 3 steps backwards. I just want to move forward and not keep looking back. I feel lost and alone. I should feel relieved, but part of me still feels the sting of a failed relationship. I just don’t want to make the same mistake twice.

  39.  #39TW on September 20, 2009 at 5:40 pm


    I feel you on that feeling as though you have failed because I have been divorced before and it cuts like aknife. Have you looked into getting Rori’s Toxic Men program? It sounds like that would help you out a lot. Just go to the link and read it and you will see that it is just the thing that you need. you may also want to check out Modern Siren

  40.  #40Rori Raye on September 21, 2009 at 4:15 pm

    Roxy, I hope you can get my Toxic Men program — it will help you. Otherwise…don’t rush yourself. This is a tool-by-tool, baby-step-by-baby step process – and the first step is always – Stop beating yourself up. Love, Rori

  41.  #41Rori Raye on September 21, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    TW – I’m glad you have a therapist — by the way, Heartbeat – so glad to have you aboard here – and telling the truth is always a good thing. Here’s my conundrum. It’s really, really hard to come from a place of need. And right now you have no job. So you have need to move in with him. It’s just not an attractive reason for him to want to do that. He’d feel like he was adopting you. So focus 100% on getting a new job you love, and let’s hear your speech on this…we’ll all help with it. Love, Rori

  42.  #42TW on September 21, 2009 at 6:20 pm

    Hello ladies-

    I saw my LI this morning. He needed to borrow some money from me so he stopped by to pick up a check (we do this all the time so this is nothing out of the ordinary). I was at the hospital all night last night with my cousin who was having a baby and when he walked in he playfully said “you had a baby last night” I said yes “do you want a blood test” He said No because I trust you. That was odd because he got a blood test with his daughter. Here are some of the things I want to address in my power speech:

    – I feel jealous of the fact that you hang out with other girls while you are out ( we are sexually exclusive though)
    – I feel scared
    – I feel insecure
    -I feel that he is the man that God made just for me.
    – I feel that it is time for me to move forward in my life and I want to do that with him
    -I want emotional stability
    -I want trust and honesty
    -I do not want to feel as though I am not enough
    -I want to be papmered
    -I feel like a little girl when he is around meaning I get that giglgy feeling in my stomach still when he is around
    -I feel that he is my soul mate

    This is just a few things that I jotted down before I actually sit here and rewrite my speech because it is not in feeling messages