Love and Valentines Day

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Okay – Valentine’s Day can thrill us or torture us.  We can pretend we don’t care, or we can go into a funk, or we can enjoy what we have if we’re in a relationship or have a good date, or we can make Valentine’s Day a day of love for US.

We can make it a spa day or a manicure day, or a lunch with ourselves day, or a lunch or movie with our girlfriend’s day, or a sit home with a book, or a sit in a park day…and the amazing thing is — it’s really not all that big a deal anymore.

The symbolism of the whole thing is about expectations.  What do you expect, that Valentine’s Day can make you feel fulfilled or make you feel like you’ve lost something?

If this is about “forever after” for you and you’re not there – well, the expectations put you in a state of “lack.”

If this is about “right now” – the expectations put you in a state of “action” – “let’s get this thing happening!” comes into your vibe, along with anxiety for having to make it happen.

If this is about “someday” – the expectations put you in a state of “wish” or “dream” – and that can feel good or plain neutral, unless you start comparing the dream to “reality” and fall back to “lack.”

So – what would I like to suggest?

How about we go smack for “What Is”?

That means – whatever you’ve got going today – don’t make a decision about if it’s good or bad, and don’t judge it in advance.

If you’re feeling wistful or dreadful, or anxious, or upset, or lonely, or angry about such a stupid holiday, or anything that doesn’t feel good to you, send a Valentine to it.

If you’re feeling upbeat and hopeful, and beautiful (you are beautiful, yes you are…), and happy with the day outside your window, and good with what you want and can do for yourself to have good feelings today – that’s your Valentine, and send it to ALL of you – head to toe – sort of as beauty oil to all parts of you for the next moment and the next.

Let’s make Valentine’s Day about loving how you feel – no matter WHAT that is.

You can actually GIVE YOURSELF a Valentine – buy it, or make it out of paper and markers and whatever you’ve got if arts-and-crafts please you. And when you do it…make sure you love what IS about where you’re at..and just ladle that love on.

I’m going to give a bunch of Valentine’s to me today…here’s one to my Nasty Voice: “I know that even though the sun is shining so beautifully and I feel so lucky with everything in my life, there are little rough patches inside me now that feel scratchy and I can feel you, Nasty Voice, jumping on those and trying to worry me and speed me up…and…well…that’s okay. Happy Valentines, Love, Rori.”

Or…”I see me in the mirror, and, yeah, we look a bit tired, yeah…I can feel how disappointing that is inside, it’s kind of sitting on you, chest…oh…I’m going off now into ignoring this wrinkle…well…I’ll just slather on some love, here, and let’s go put some oil on you…and…Happy Valentine’s…we’re all still here…I love you, as ever…Rori.”

So – I’m sort of writing Valentines from Rori to Rori…

If you like this…go ahead and write some Valentines from you to you, and put them out here for us all to revel in and copy…

And here’s my Valentine for you…

No matter where you are, no matter what you’re doing, no matter what’s happening, or who out there looks like he loves you and who looks like he doesn’t – it’s all a matter of opinion.

My opinion is that you’re gorgeous, lovely, sexy, universally-accepted-beyond-words lovable and desirable, and my opinion is that wherever you love you, so does everyone and everything else, and even where you do not love you, and hold the opinion that no one else could possibly love this piece in you if you don’t, well, actually…everyone and everything else does love you.

All you have to do to make it real for you is to see it and receive it.

We pitch love, you catch it.

It might not look like the expectations you’ve been advertised, but it’s love all the same.  It’s a message of love.

Don’t try to decode it.

If you don’t like what it looks like, just slather on the love all over yourself, and catch the next thought, feeling, insight, bit of fluff that’s full of love and just might look and feel better.

Inside YOU – it’s always moving around, always surprising.

The way we get stuck in a gear of “lack” or “anxious” is to lean on the same messages over and over and over that give us the same feelings over and over and over.

Strike out new today. Send a Valentine to what isn’t perfect.  To what doesn’t even feel good inside you.

Send a message to yourself that you’re up for an upgrade, one word of love from you to you at a time.

The important thing is to take in love – wherever you catch it – from words, from the air, from your own heart, from objects and animals, from trees, from the spa technician, from the water at the pool and water in your drinking glass.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Lucy on February 14, 2010 at 11:31 am

    Oh, Rori, this is so wonderful! Thank you! I love what you wrote about the feeling of “lack.”

    My son is home from college to be with his gf for Valentine’s Day — he took her to a Thai restaurant, bought her roses and earrings and a heart-shaped box of chocolates, spending every last bit of his meager college-job paycheck. I told him about TN man’s text, and his response was, “Really? He called you beautiful? You should be ecstatic.”

    Now, I know we all know TN man should be doing much more if this is going to be Real rather than Imaginary — But — my son made a point: why focus on the Lack (when I already know I’m not going to cut him loose because of it), when I can focus instead on the fact that he called me Beautiful. It’s nothing to make a big deal over — anyone can text the word beautiful — but I can receive it from him as a small display of the love he is willing/able to give at this moment.

    Another thing I realized is that, to me, Valentine’s Day has always been more of a kid-centered holiday. My mom always made it about us kids when growing up, and I did the same with my kids (still do!) So, I wonder if that blocks somehow what I receive for myself as a grown-up woman for Valentine’s Day. It’s almost like I’m not really open to receiving any more than that.

    Yesterday, when I was shopping for cards for my kids (see, there it is), I saw a card I loved and actually bought it for myself!! It is a card I would love to receive from a man, so that’s why I gave it to myself. On the front, it has a vintage-style photo of a boy and girl standing on a bridge — she is just standing there, looking adorable, with a tiny smile, and her body is turned slightly away from him, but he is Leaning Forward, putting his hand on her shoulder, and his face close to hers. It says “I want to grow old loving you.”

    The inside says: “There’s nothing I would rather do Than live my life in love with you — The fun that being with you brings, Our memories made of little things, The talks we have, the jokes we share, The hugs, the kisses here and there… What better reason could there be To ask you to grow old with me!”

  2.  #2Lucy on February 14, 2010 at 11:45 am

    I hereby announce to the universe: I open my grown-up woman’s heart wide to receive all the love a grown-up woman’s heart can hold, in all the shapes and colors and forms that love can come in, on Valentine’s Day and every day. <3

  3.  #3dorothea on February 14, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    Valentine to my Acne:

    Wow, just acknowledging the idea that my bad skin deserves love all the same by typing “valentine to my acne” feels lighter. i love my acne. i love each and every pimple on my face that sticks around for long periods of time to enjoy my lovely company.

  4.  #4Daria on February 14, 2010 at 2:51 pm

    Valentine to my burny feeling

  5.  #5gina on February 14, 2010 at 3:50 pm

    happy valentines day to my lonely feelings and fear that I could never love any man for real every day. I know that’s you, nasty voices…I’m choosing to feel good about my day of toastmasters, central market, and workin at the comedy club.

  6.  #6Daria on February 14, 2010 at 4:24 pm

    TOASTMASTERS —- whoo hoo gina i love toastmasters too.

  7.  #7dorothea on February 14, 2010 at 4:31 pm

    i want to join toastmasters,i feel jealous! need to get better at public speaking for dealing with the media better at my job…

  8.  #8Lori on February 14, 2010 at 4:42 pm

    Valentine to my heart:

    I know you’re no longer perfect and whole- you have been broken a few times and patched back together. I can still see the cracks and even a few missing pieces and you’re kind of crooked and lopsided now. There are parts of you that are black with negative feelings of anger, jealousy and hopelessness and parts of you brimming over with love for all people, animals, plants etc.

    You’re like a mutt you see in the animal shelter: Not perfect and beautiful like a purebred showdog, but when that mutt looks up at you with those big, sweet eyes, you know it deserves love just as much and would make just as good, if not better, a companion. You deserve a good home with someone who will treat you right, my heart.

  9.  #9Lori on February 14, 2010 at 5:10 pm

    Valentine to my shame and embarassment:

    I wrote this poem a year after my ex and I broke up and I was dating someone I just didn’t feel the same about. I was embarassed to share it with anyone because it made me feel weak to be taking so long to get over him and move on. I went back and read it tonight and I LOVE my shame and I even love the poem and feel that it was well written, so I’m going to share it with all of you and celebrate the fact that I love all of my feelings now and am no longer afraid to feel them….

    By Lori D.

    “Today is our Anniversary
    A year this very day
    Not since we’ve been together
    But since you went away.

    You called me just the other day
    To ask me how I’ve been
    I lied and said “I’m happy”
    And “glad we can be friends”.

    You told me all about your life
    And asked me about mine
    You asked if I was better now
    I lied and said “I’m fine”.

    You said you had a brand new love
    And once again I lied
    I said the news was good to hear
    But inside I think I died.

    I said I had another too
    That things were going well
    That was, of course, yet one more lie
    For this truth I could not tell:

    That he may have a part of me
    But it’s you who made me whole
    And he may touch my body
    But it’s you who touched my soul.

    That I’ve tried to give my heart again
    But I just don’t know how
    When I hold your memory tighter than
    I hold the man beside me now.

    The only truths were those untold
    But the truth just makes me cry
    And that is how I’ve come to learn
    Sometimes it’s better just to lie.”

  10.  #10Turtle Girl on February 14, 2010 at 6:14 pm

    Dear Sweet Lori-

    Your post just touched my heart so much. Thank you for putting this up. It is just incredible. So real. So true. So human. So lovely. So much a goddess. xxoo


  11.  #11Daria on February 14, 2010 at 6:43 pm

    Aww Lori — I love your poem

  12.  #12Daria on February 14, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”

    “You’ll know tonight,” he said.

    That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it–only to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams”.

  13.  #13Kate on February 14, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    Aww, Lori D. I am feeling my heart brimming for you; I feel many of us can relate but none can know EXACTLY how another feels…I love your openness to share and feel so proud of you not only for sharing, but for loving your feelings. I’m feeling you should honor your heart and not measure the time it takes to heal against any measuring stick of ‘shoulds’…I am feeling your goddess truth in your poem which IS well written; I am sending you *hugs* for your courage 🙂

  14.  #14Kate on February 14, 2010 at 8:02 pm

    Lucy; I am feeling happy that you bought yourself a card, I’m feeling this is like Rori’s idea to shower yourself with LOVE. I read somewhere (feng shui maybe?) to put pictures of happy couples and beautiful romantic cards in your bedroom so positive energy (vibes) of love are being sent out … SO … because of you sharing your post I went out and bought a sign that says “I still believe in happily ever after” and two pictures of a couple entwined that radiates a loving relationship to me. Thank you!

  15.  #15Lori on February 14, 2010 at 8:13 pm

    Thanks to everyone for the kind words. Writing that poem was what prompted me to look for help and led me to Rori’s programs and this site. I started Rori’s programs within days of writing it. I’m 4 months into practicing the tools now and even though I have good days and bad, I’m getting better every day. I have a lifetime of repressing my feelings to get past, and it’s very scary for me. I’m SO grateful for all of the support and encouragement I’ve found here from all of you beautiful goddesses…..

  16.  #16mary on February 14, 2010 at 10:30 pm

    Oh dear what a awful day i had in valantine day
    My man had not flowers for me.He had some cream maybe he could make some cokies. He wake up angry with a book,sitting and reading in the chair.Waiting for me make breakfast.
    I dis not paid attention. i went out to skiing then restaurnat and dated myself,ate dinner.When i came back he was so angry why i had eaten alone without caring abour him sitting at home with no food.then he made some cookies but just for himself.He did not say helleo to my girlfriend when she came to me to visit me with flowers

  17.  #17T.R. on February 14, 2010 at 10:36 pm


    Your poem is beautiful. It expresses what so many of us feel or have felt. I have been working with Rori’s tools for a year, but I have to say, I have been so inspired by you. You and the other ladies have done so much with what Rori has given you. I will continue to follow your journey.

  18.  #18T.R. on February 14, 2010 at 10:40 pm

    I had several feelings today; anger, jealousy, contentment, Lonleyness. These are not just feelings from Valentines, they are feelings I have had for several months. I am going to take a hot bath and try to sink into my feelings, then think about the positive things.

  19.  #19mary on February 15, 2010 at 1:19 am

    The year that my husband left, there was a Valentine’s Day special going on at a florist in the mall – buy a dozen roses, get free delivery and another dozen roses delivered in August.

    So I ordered some for myself! (Remember that when he left, he was living with a woman just on the other side of the courtyard.) I wanted him to see the roses and be jealous, so I arranged to be gone that day. The roses were sitting on my front porch, and everyone in the world saw them but him! (He happened to be out of town, too… but he heard about it.)

    Then I took them inside and enjoyed them so much!

    In August, when my parents came to visit, I gave them the second dozen. They were so pleased.

    This idea really worked for me!

  20.  #20Tina on February 15, 2010 at 1:19 am

    Ok, so I started my period for Valentine’s Day, he got a speeding ticket on his way to pick up some gifts for me, the last minute dozen of roses, the ear rings he bought way in advance, the four boxes of chocolates was yummy, he said not to stick voodoo pins in the teddy bear, the balloon was really cool, dinner out was great. We had a fight, I almost walked home, we made up, he got a b/j 🙂

  21.  #21Tina on February 15, 2010 at 1:50 am

    We also we went skidooing at midnight. He professed his love for me on facebook , Im not even on facebook. He threw in a comment about starving kids in the world. I had to give myself a lot of hugs this weekend. We laughed a lot about the crazy things we were going to do. I”m not even going to mention his “visitor” funny stuff though. I didnt “get” him anything for Valentines Day.

  22.  #22Tina on February 15, 2010 at 2:47 am

    I had a strange feeling of anxiety again on my way home , I was alone, I thought “if I feel love will I die?” I have a long way to go, baby steps. I gave myself another hug.

  23.  #23Tracy on February 15, 2010 at 2:54 am

    Love this post.Was just reading about loving what is and its exactly as you put it.Felt bubbly reading the same mesage all over again….
    Happy valentines to everyone and lovely day!

  24.  #24tinque on February 15, 2010 at 7:25 am

    Lori – “I was embarrassed to share it with anyone because it made me feel weak to be taking so long to get over him and move on.”

    Your poem articulates beautifully what many women and men alike feel at times in their lives. That you were able to express yourself in this way is a sign of strength.
    “Getting over” someone takes as long as it takes. You are uniquely you, and your path will not look like anyone else’s.
    Healing is a life long process. You may very well stumble every now and again, yet there’s beauty in the missteps, healing. They are reminders there’s more for you to partake of, more to revel in. You can look at it as as exciting.

  25.  #25Rori Raye on February 15, 2010 at 9:02 am

    mary…so sorry – and did you open up and talk how Valentine’s day feels for you and what would feel good? Was he belligerent? Do you think he knew why you were distancing yourself? Try talking about all this with him, oday…just with Feeling Messages, and see how he reacts….I think I’ll jump off into post around this…Love, Rori

  26.  #26Orna Walters on February 15, 2010 at 9:27 am

    Lori: What a great poem. So touching. Thank you for sharing it. There is no time limit on grief. We are clear about this when others that we love are mourning a loss, yet we are very hard on ourselves. I’ve been there, wondering when I’d be “over” it.

    I’m happy that you have been on the path to heal and embrace your emotions.

    I’m sending a big < < > > to all of you glorious goddesses! <3

  27.  #27Tomgefly on February 15, 2010 at 10:22 am

    Dear Friends, Happy Valentines Day!

  28.  #28Orna Walters on February 15, 2010 at 10:23 am

    Ummm… Big HUG is what that is supposed to say above.


  29.  #29Rachel on February 15, 2010 at 10:48 am

    Valentine’s Day was a mixed bag for me. I was determined to bless myself with lots of love and I did. And Guy B was also very loving… with flowers and candy and warm hugs and words.

    BUT… I still couldn’t stop longing to hear from Guy A. He did wish me a Happy Valentine’s day two days early and sent me a beautiful song via Youtube… but I heard nothing on the actual DAY. Which I know shouldn’t matter… the whole expectation thing is so true!

    I felt frustrated with myself that I was sending out energy/thoughts to him all day. Why can I not be content with the love that surrounds me every day? Why do I keep reaching for him? And why am I not satisfied with what he is giving me? (Things are better than they’ve been in months overall)

  30.  #30Orna Walters on February 15, 2010 at 11:08 am

    Rachel: I hear you. I really do. I struggled with this ONE issue more than any other. For me it became clear that I longed for what I was NOT getting. Then I would analyze myself, judge myself and scold myself for not being happy/satisfied/fulfilled with what I do have.

    This is a process, I don’t believe we can flip a switch and have this transformed. You simply chip away at behaving differently. Use the tools here, be very honest and truthful with yourself and honor how you FEEL above all else.


  31.  #31S. on February 15, 2010 at 11:12 am

    I’ve been reading you for a while, Rori, and I love above all your advice to women about how to value themselves. I just wrote about Valentine’s Day disappointment from a slightly different perspective on my brand new blog, which will focus a lot on online dating. I plan to link to you (once I figure out how!). Happy Valentine’s Day to all you gorgeous women, who deserve the best.

  32.  #32Orna Walters on February 15, 2010 at 11:31 am

    Tina: I love that you continue to HUG yourself. Yay! Thank you for being so vulnerable here: “If I feel love will I die?”

    I can assure you that you will not die! However, I believe that when we transform we do come up against that fear. When you have that feeling tell yourself that you are RIGHT ON TRACK! This means you are right on target moving toward creating what you want. Yay!

    If I may offer a suggestion, rather than looking at how much road you still have to travel shift your perspective and look at how far you have come!

    Celebrate your progress. Celebrate YOU!

  33.  #33tinque on February 15, 2010 at 11:32 am

    As an add on to what Orna says, I found too that to switch my thinking when I found myself wishing for something I don’t have or didn’t get to maybe “everything I want is already here” helped a lot. It helped me pay more attention to what I WAS receiving and loving and appreciating it and realizing that it was actually far better than what I had been pining for.

  34.  #34Daria on February 15, 2010 at 12:11 pm

    but please dont tell my heart my achy breaky heart

    i just dont think hed understand

    cuz if you tell my heart my achy breaky heart

    he might blow up and kill this man

  35.  #35Heather on February 15, 2010 at 1:23 pm

    I love this post! I hope all you Goddesses had a happy Valentine’s Day 🙂 I love the idea of giving ourselves an Upgrade!!!

    I felt disappointed with my choice to visit my beloved (who is now on an assignment 1200 miles away from home) and be ignored by him this weekend. Not acceptable, not even close. The Valentine’s could have been ok … I did some nice things for myself despite being left alone for the day. I expressed my anger, and later received apologies and a room service delivery of some roses and chocolate covered strawberries and then a massage in the spa this morning from him.

    Today, he decided to take the afternoon/evening off so we can spend time together… feeling grateful for that and also grateful to return home tomorrow … ready for as much circular dating as I don’t ever want to feel like this again.

  36.  #36Lucy on February 15, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    Good one, Daria. 🙂 Here’s a little something I came up with yesterday (not addressed to anyone specific):

    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    If I wanted a Valentine
    I wouldn’t pick you!

  37.  #37Daria on February 15, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    I’m feeling a lil sad… I feel excited the sun is out and I want to be OUT enjoying it. I can’t BRAIN where to go! I don;t really like bay area cold beaches… I don’t think…

    my knees don’t want to drive

    I feel weirded out walking around through my mostly empty feeling neighborhood…

    I WANT to be out and alughing but I feel stuck on inspiration


    I feel sad

    where can I go?

    I sometimes take note of places I’d like so I can go again, but they seem to all have disappeared!

    I intend to write them down in my journal

  38.  #38Simply Shannon on February 15, 2010 at 2:19 pm


  39.  #39Orna Walters on February 15, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    Daria: How about this? Ask the kid in you ‘Little Daria’ what she would like to do!

    Maybe visit a Color Me Mine type store (where you paint your own ceramic piece), go to a Japanese Style Karaoke Bar – where you can get a room just for YOU and you can SING, SING, SING, visit a museum, go to an arcade and play ski-ball or Ms. Pac Man (she is a Lady after all and stands in her power), do something that you LIKE to do that you haven’t done in ages.

    I call these “Inner Child Dates” and you can get a list of SIXTY no cost to low-cost ideas that will allow you to RE-FUEL by clicking this link:

    Goddesses: If you have other ideas for Inner Child Dates please post a comment there.

    Blessings to each of YOU!

  40.  #40Lori on February 15, 2010 at 4:38 pm

    I know the whole expectation thing is what messes us up on Valentine’s day and other holidays, but I really feel confused. I feel like I’ve come so far in seeing things for what they are and I felt certain I knew which of my circular dating guys would contact me in some form on Valentines Day and which ones I wouldn’t hear from. (NONE of them asked me to do anything on that day, although some asked me out either before or after) I was so totally off the mark it’s scary. The ones I felt I had the most in common with and who were the most interested in me and was sure would contact me didn’t at ALL and the ones who I have less in common with and thought had less interest in anything real with me DID contact me. How could I have been so off? I feel seriously shaky in my judgment skills right now.

  41.  #41Daria on February 15, 2010 at 4:44 pm

    Thank you ORNA – I love that list and I liek the “take a train ride”!! I intend to do that soon! for fun!

    Sia- guess what! mini redo of that “non-date” with antoher man: what happend:

    Today I had plans to meet a man for a date he set up ahead of time… I thought it was going to be for lunch…

    So i texted back:

    hi. I dont really like texting. (I had never told him this before). And Im feeling a lil bad… I thought we were going to meet for lunch…

    So INSTANTLY my phone rings and its him.

    He’s like hi how are you? I said IM feeling ok… I felt a lil bad because I thought we were meeting for lunch… but maybe I was confused (I actually may have been confused because there was no set time I don’t think)

    To which he says… well no I was actually planning to see you tonite BUT I can come now for a late lunch if that’s better for you!!

    UMM WOW !! THank you…

    I said oh I already ate… I will be free later at 7 to see you!

    So he says how do I get there…

    I said well I can meet you nearby me downtown by the movies

    he says: whats the main street

    I say 3rd avenue…

    and he says ok

    wow! I got just what I asked for! yay! for in chage gentlemen.

  42.  #42Daria on February 15, 2010 at 4:48 pm

    Lori — thats why no judgement is the way to go!

    I don’t expect anything on Valentine’s (didn’t I mean) and I just got a bunch of texts from people wishing me happy valentines, just like I did for christmas and New years — omgosh so many on new years my phone was flooded!

    I feel really text special hehe but I don’t even know exactly who the texts are from because I haven’t thought about it that much.

  43.  #43Daria on February 15, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    ORNA —

    guess what ! The list you sent me just inspired me to remember one of the places to go to!

    The creek behind the mall!! I just mentioned it a few days ago but had forgotten about it till right now!!



  44.  #44Daria on February 15, 2010 at 5:03 pm

    What I DID do earlier was sit out on the back balcony in the sun and on a blanket and with apillow and meditate. !

  45.  #45Lucy on February 15, 2010 at 5:03 pm

    I feel so good about you remembering the creek behind the mall!!! That story stuck in my mind as something sort of magical. Don’t know why. Oh, yes, I do! I have magical memories from childhood playing by myself by the creek in the woods, with my dolls, looking for fairies and jack-in-the-pulpits…..

  46.  #46Daria on February 15, 2010 at 5:11 pm

    Lucy ! – -wow that sounds awesome! I forgot about fairies too!! wow I can feelem now! thank you!!

    what are jack-in-the-pulpits?

  47.  #47Lucy on February 15, 2010 at 5:19 pm

    Jack-in-the-pulpits are really cool looking, kind of rare flowers that grow in the woods near creeks.

  48.  #48Orna Walters on February 15, 2010 at 5:21 pm

    Yay! I’m so happy I was able to inspire you to remember. The creek sounds lovely.

    Once in my 20s I was at the beach and fell asleep. I woke up to the sound of this little girl who ran up to her mom with a bucket shouting “I caught some more! I caught some more!” I had completely forgotten that Sand Crabs existed.

    It was then that I realized I had “grown up” too much. I had abandoned the little girl inside of me. Cultivating that relationship has been the most rewarding of all because it allowed me to step into all of who I can be.

  49.  #49Daria on February 15, 2010 at 5:29 pm

    Orna – you also just inspired me to write a Love Letter to my Bladder! IT’s on my blog hehe1!1

    THiS ROCKS!!

    THank you!!

  50.  #50gina on February 15, 2010 at 8:58 pm

    hi I have a friend that we were close and now he wont talk to me, I have called. he wont call me back. if I text he responds 98% of time. This has been going on for 4 months after a couple of weird days. I have read otther stuff that says I should not contact, but I don’t want to lose a friend, if I stop contact. is it too late for our friendship. Thanks

  51.  #51Tina on February 15, 2010 at 9:37 pm

    Orna, thank you, I find myself hugging myself more and more, I’m not sure if I’m feeling that this is the degree in which I dont actually love myself or what but it seems to work. It’s easy to say “love yourself” but how? I never knew I hated myself. How many of us can say we truely love ourselves, I want to ask women if they truely love themselves more than anyone else. I can say well yeah, I can say yup I love myself, like asking is there really a ‘heaven” yeah there is, and that really is just or was my default answer because I dont really know, like I dont really know if I love myself but hell I’ll say it so I dont come off sounding pathetic. Loving my icky parts/feelings of myself triggers anxiety lol, I really have to work on that, like a whole day , just loving my icky parts. Fake it till you make it , I will say I love my icky parts as my icky feeling parts show up. Loving my icky parts feels overwhelming to me. I dont want to spend the rest of my life not loving myself anymore, I cant go back, I wont, it’s impossible, why would I want to?

    My insecurity radar was up at full tilt today, I made some tea and jumped in bed under the warm feeling blankets, I hugged myself, again like I said “ive been doing that a lot lately. I dont recall ever being hugged as a child, like never, mostly hurt, physical pain. My brother read me comic books, he told me God was dead, he was only young maybe 7 yrs old, he was quite philosophical, I enjoyed listening and talking to him. I remember the “foster mother” telling me that if I put my hand over my heart I will die, yikes, I was playing , running around,spinning then I lyed down on the ground feeling my heart with my hand, I was feeling the pounding sensation through my fingers, I kinda liked it, she asked what I was doing lying there, I said feeling my heart, she said if you do that you will die yipes! I never did it again.

  52.  #52Kismet on February 15, 2010 at 9:47 pm

    I feel he likes me more than I like him. He tells me he’s crazy about me. He does alot for me. I know his ex and she says that she felt he didn’t like/love her that much. But its definitely different for me. I haven’t done much for him and he’s doing alot already. I feel more attraction to him when I see him at work since we work together at the club and he’s a security guard. when he’s with me he’s much more relaxed so he doesn’t have the same aura as at work (confident, tough).

    I was just randomly thinking…and I remember that during the time I met him, I wanted someone that can comfort me, that’s all I wanted. Perhaps I attracted him with that mindset?

    There was definitely chemistry between us, but once he told me how he felt and started texting me alot, I was turned off a bit (he doesn’t do the smooth talking in person which is fine). Yet I still want to give it a try.

    So before the clock striked 12 for Valentine’s Day, he told me to meet me in one place at work and I went around 12:40. He asked me out shyly and I gave a casual “yea.” We became official. So on Valentine’s, he cooked dinner and brought it to the room we rented. He actually brought nice glasses for the sparkling juice and lit candles. So I turned off the lights. It was nice. So here’s the problem:

    When he kisses me, I don’t get weak in the knees or hot. When he touches me softly it turns me on but once we get to “doing it” I don’t get hot at all. Maybe because he didn’t get the right spot on me and it was my first time. I shouldn’t have tried it but I felt it was okay. I felt he wouldn’t leave me after it like some guys, felt he wouldn’t change his mind. It was more like I would. He held me through out the night, then realized I couldn’t fall asleep when he cuddles me. So I would sleep alone and then he would try to cuddle with me, which is sweet but I’d wake up right away. I had trouble sleeping so I took a hot bath and a shower which worked. I know that his feelings would only get stronger for me.

    But I’m unsure about mine’s. If he wasn’t so open or desperate for me, I would feel alot more. I’m not used to guys being crazy about me. I get scared. I usually only let myself be with guys that, when it’s over, I’m not so hurt about because it didn’t mean much. In this case, I’m not sure if he’s in that category.

    What I do know is that-even through all the tough things he’s gone through since childhood, he has the courage to show his love to another being and to take the risk that I may leave him just like everyone else in the past have.

    Maybe it takes this experience for me to reach other levels of relationships and connections. This is a milestone I need to go through: being loved by someone, being cared for, taken cared of, etc. Maybe thats why even though in the past I have met guys who I have great connections with, it didn’t work out because I have not accepted certain aspects of myself and my relations with others.

    Thanks for reading.

  53.  #53Kismet on February 15, 2010 at 10:00 pm

    Also, I still think of the guys that I have some feelings for. If I still think of my options when I’m exclusive, does that mean I shouldn’t be in a relationship, or does that mean I don’t like him enough? I feel like I should only date someone that doesn’t make me think of options available.

  54.  #54Orna Walters on February 15, 2010 at 10:24 pm

    Tina: You are so adorable. I can feel your warmth and your wit in your words.

    I say YES – LOVE THE ICKY PARTS! Well, if not LOVE them outright at least accept them. Accept all the delicious, yummy, sexy, smart, parts along with all the needy, worrisome, sometimes-I-have-a-meltdown parts. The whole package makes up YOU! The one and only YOU! You are completely UNIQUE. That in itself is something to celebrate and LOVE about You.

    As to HOW do we know if we truly love ourselves? Well, look around you. Our outer world is simply a reflection of our inner world. When you are experiencing evidence of love all around you – then you truly love yourself.

    What is great about this is that you can actually gauge your progress. As you grow to love yourself more and more, what you experience outside of you will shift. You’ll attract another level of man and you will be ATTRACTED to another level of man.

    I haven’t said this on here for awhile so I’ll put it here:
    DO NOT SETTLE!! You can have it ALL! Everything you want and MORE! I know this is true because I did it. If I can do it – ANYONE CAN – which means YOU CAN DO IT TOO! :~D

  55.  #55Daria on February 15, 2010 at 10:51 pm

    I went on an awesome date with a sexy man!


    THis man is a gentleman and sexy and he kissed me and he’s a good kisser!~

    AAGH i feel shyyyy I wAS feelin shy omgoshshshshshsss

  56.  #56Daria on February 15, 2010 at 10:58 pm

    Kismet – well its pressure on you to be exclusive with a guy you’re not gonna marry right now. That’s why Rori advises to Circular Date. It’s not only to not pressure him but also you. You can date him and be sexually exclusive if you want to, but date other men until you are about to marry.

  57.  #57Daria on February 15, 2010 at 10:59 pm

    Kismet – Congratulations Goddess for having your first time!

  58.  #58Kismet on February 15, 2010 at 11:13 pm

    Even though I don’t circular date, I have plenty of options and offers enough to help my self esteem when I dont feel too good about myself, enough to get dates that I never go on and enough to show guys that I have options. So in the end it creates the same kind of result, doesn’t it?

    In my case its not the pressure of exclusivity. I’m confused on how I feel about him. Bluntly put, he becomes a bit of a wuss while texting which isn’t attractive to me. I have the mindset that I’m hot and sexy and great. He has that aura too and thats why we attract eachother. But he loses that when he’s with me.

    By the way, lol my first time. we only went halfway. so I’m half a virgin…lol.

  59.  #59Daria on February 15, 2010 at 11:15 pm

    I feel terrified!!!

    OMGOSH! This man was so cool ! Is he going to accept all of me??? Like my gangster rapper street me?

    He’s like a guy who has a job well he’s manager at whole foods he went to school, he’s from a different country, he knows how to date, he dressed casual but cute, but not like gangster rapper street like my style, even tho i dressed business style, cuz i have so many sides, and i like it, but I FEEL AFRAID! I feel afraid I’m not good enough for him, I guess that would make him not good enough for me, if he judges me, but can he really accept understand support all of me if he’s not familiar with this way of being that I have? I FEEL AFRAID

    I FEEL AFRAID of letting this “good man” close.

    I feel like wow ‘i feel excited to be attracted to this guy whos not “my type” but is still sexy

    yes i feel very attracted to him

    I know he feels attracted to me all he does is tell me how beautiful i am, even the woman working at the sushi place told him i’m beautiful

    what do i dooooooooooooooo

    I am a street girl how is he going to accept or not accept taht.

    That is not all of me but its an important part of me/…

    maybe i will ask him what he thinks about me being a gangster rapper that should give hima clue

    I am a super sophisticated gangster rapper


    AAACK i feel like aaaack

  60.  #60Lucy on February 15, 2010 at 11:18 pm

    Daria, I feel happy about your awesome date with a sexy man!

    I had an awesome date with a sexy man today too!!

    And I did not think about TN man ONE TIME while I was with this new guy!! I felt disappointed that he did not kiss me, but I also felt happy, too, because it felt like he was respecting the first date-ness of it. I love love love his smile and his nice teeth and his deep voice and his tall lean body. I feel almost certain that he will ask me out again. I felt liked and I liked him. What shall I call him? “Mr. very cute smile” — that is too long! Maybe Smile Guy.

  61.  #61Daria on February 15, 2010 at 11:20 pm

    Kismet –

    that is not quite the same as circular dating, it’s not only about YOU knowing you have options, but it’s about PRACTICE and THERAPY. It’s about opening up to different men, that trigger you different ways, and speaking the truth. It’s much MUCH MORE than just knowing you ahve options, which is great too btw.

    Circular Dating is also for a single woman about wanting to BE MARRIED rather than wanting to be with someone “for now”

    For example with practice you could tell this guy that you feel turned off by whatever turns you off in the messages, without feeling afraid of hurting him etc.

  62.  #62Rori Raye on February 15, 2010 at 11:20 pm

    Gina – Welcome – and the answer is – if you’re doing all the initiating, and he’s only responding – he isn’t even a friend. Please stop chasing him. Read everything here, get your life in better shape, and date as many men as you can who will chase YOU. Love, Rori

  63.  #63Daria on February 15, 2010 at 11:22 pm

    Kismet – hehe I thought I only went halfway also my first time, I forgot now why I thought that, oh yeah because I thought it didnt’ go in all the way. But it still counts so CONGRATULATIONS I feel happy and excited for you ! That is a big big deal GODDESS in all the good-for-you ways only!

  64.  #64Daria on February 15, 2010 at 11:23 pm

    Lucy – thats great! Is this the guy you were Not excited about going on a date with earlier?

  65.  #65Lucy on February 15, 2010 at 11:26 pm

    Yes, Daria, as a matter of fact it is. 🙂

  66.  #66gina on February 15, 2010 at 11:28 pm

    Thanks, I have been working through my fears and read several e books. I grew up with a father who left and as result i tend to hang on longer than I should. i just dont want to make matters worse. I am healing and each day getting stronger. just wondering can friendships be saved

  67.  #67Daria on February 15, 2010 at 11:33 pm

    Yay Lucy that’s awesome!!

    Gina – not by being the one to initiate, if he wants to have the friendship or date with you he will contact you and let you know

  68.  #68Kismet on February 15, 2010 at 11:34 pm

    Thanks for the clarification. I’m still not sure about virginity! lol. I didn’t climax…I read in The Color Purple by Alice Walker that you only lose virginity when it feels good and you climax. something like that.

    oh and he told me that I don’t feel fluttered about him even though he feels like being with me forever. I already told him that I feel he likes me more than I like him. So at least I’m being honest. I was scared earlier to tell the truth. I must be really hard to get now according to him since he couldnt get me to climax and im not as crazy bout him as he is to me. Not my fault…

  69.  #69Kismet on February 15, 2010 at 11:38 pm

    omg i have this friend that I used to have a thing for (he liked me also but gave me the talk). He would suggest we go do something, like treat me to bubbletea or whatever. But he would never get around to doing it. Then two weeks ago he called me accidentally and offered to treat me out soon. I told him he and his friend and I should go this week. He hasn’t responded yet tho I texted him and facebooked him. I thought he wasn’t going to be like last time and would respond but nope. I guess he must think I like him and it must give him a rush to “string” me along even though i’m only now interested as a friend. hmph. he’s no hotshot.

  70.  #70Daria on February 15, 2010 at 11:38 pm

    Lucy in the sky wiht Diamonds!!

    WHAT DO I DO!!! I liked this guy but I felt like soooo nervous at the end like I stopped the kissing then i was thinking omgosh did i kiss him too long maybe i lost the attraction lol i took a glance at him walking away he was sexy ohhhh

    I am really feeling this guy obviously loool


    this feels exciting why isnt he texting me to tell me he wants me oh yeah cuz i told him i dont like texts


    he said he will pick me up and take me around his area,

    then at the end he also said something about me coming to visit him i think but maybe he meant he was gonna come get me like he said, im not sure, i dont want to driv eto him but wow I was thinking like ok maybe i will if he does but NO i want to keep being the princess

    ohh i like him he seems to really like me


    he was a good kisser too this is awesome

    i feel afraid

    i feel afraid to have sex with him how do i have sex with a guy that I am being a Goddess with I forgot I feel afraid to share all of myself with him like my kid side


    this was our first date after meeting and dancing at the club

    he’s sexual too he grabbed my butt hehe

  71.  #71gina on February 15, 2010 at 11:42 pm

    thanks daria, i am new to this and been hurt by the silence, even though we were just friends. i dont understand why he did this and that hurts

  72.  #72Lucy on February 15, 2010 at 11:44 pm

    Daria, I have a good feeling about your guy!

    I would want to sink into that feeling of fear — feel it fully — see what is underneath it, why it is so strong — keep feeling it until it dissolves into tears and finally heals. . . .

    You are beautiful and amazing and COMPLETELY worthy and deserving of this guy!!!

  73.  #73Daria on February 16, 2010 at 12:05 am

    Kismet – I think it is very rare for a woman to climax the first time, I’m not sure if I have ever climaxed during sex, I would like to, maybe i have before but I’m not sure.

    So yes it counts, I think in the color purple she said that and it is nice, basically saying that it’s good for us women to have sex that is good for our bodies,

    I am still learning this too

  74.  #74Daria on February 16, 2010 at 12:18 am


    now Im remembering him saying… I dont want to let you go… when he was kissing me…

    omgosh so wonderful

    did he do some wimpy awkward “can I kiss you statement?”


    when we were saying goodbye he looked in my eyes and tilted his head and KISSED ME passionately



    i know he really wanted to kiss me when we first met in the club

    but i turned my head away


    he rocks

    with his sexy skinny jeans and his cute shirt and belt

    I hope his head is not a funny shape because he had a hat… did he wear one in the club? idont remember

    i think im mostly attracted to him becasue he looks like one of my guy friends that i like

    ohh he had sexy strong arms


  75.  #75Daria on February 16, 2010 at 1:30 am

    I like this show project runway!

    what if im not only a rapper but a clothes designer! wouldnt’ be the first hehe

    a modern day Goddess is well rounded

    guess they were well rounded back in the day too

  76.  #76Tracy on February 16, 2010 at 5:53 am

    I found this link on radical forgiveness which i felt spoke alot about what Rori explains in looking for the root of our problems within us…..enjoy..

  77.  #77tinque on February 16, 2010 at 7:40 am

    Kismet – Oh my where do I start. Sex is a skill to be learned for most women. The first time with any new man is often awkward, strange though it can still feel good even if you’ve had sex hundreds of times before with others. If on your very first time you melted and came over and over again. well you would be a very rare bird indeed.
    For most women, their first time is just plain weird if not awful.
    Orgasming does not just happen for the vast majority of women. You must learn how to do it by yourself first so you can show your partner what makes you feel good.
    Also the vast majority of women do not orgasm via intercourse alone.
    I believe every woman has this ability though, and she can teach herself how, but it takes time and patience and lots of experimentation and practice and most importantly learning how to relax to be able to reach orgasm in this way.

  78.  #78Simply Shannon on February 16, 2010 at 9:59 am

    Daria: Yeah on the sexy date!! Reading your post reminds me that what Rori says is so true. Your giddiness and confusion and weirdness are sooooo endearing! I love it! It feels good to read. Imagine how a guy might feel hearing that stuff from us. Showing your true self is what attracts a man. Your business style, gangsta rappin, clothes designing, poetry writing self. LOVE it all girl!

  79.  #79Turtle Girl on February 16, 2010 at 11:00 am


    You are so right on. Sex is so powerful, so huge. It contains emotion of every kind, and can make and or break a relationship. Orgasm is a learned skill and can take a long time.

    I am in my fifties, and I can tell you that for me today, sex is still emotionally charged in every way depending on who I am with and how I am feeling about myself. It has been said that for women sex is mostly in our head. I know that is true for me.

    Kismet-don’t worry at all about any of this stuff when it comes to sex. Life will bring all sorts of sex lessons to you and for you. One of the things that greatly changed my ability to relax, bust loose and have fun during sex was getting my tubes tied.
    What a relief! We women may love sex, but every time we have it deep in the back of our mind is the fear of getting pregnant and that tends to put a wet blanket of things, even if we do not realize it. It is hard to feel very sexy and goddessy when you think, “Oh my, if I do this-I could be making a baby” Shit. Then you throw in all of society pressures, lies, propaganda, and so on and it can be a big ole mess from time to time.

    These days, for me, are the best times ever sexually. I feel the freest, the most confidant in my body, and less “junk” in my head from the past. I am done with the monthly thing and that is a big burden off the plate as well. I do not miss my twenties, thirties or even forties.
    Now all I need to do is find the right man to participate with me in my lovely goddessy, over fifty and sexy wonderful self.

  80.  #80Kismet on February 16, 2010 at 11:53 am

    Tinque, thanks. I told him where and how but it didn’t really work. I’m a very petite girl so that may be the reason. But yea, I glad to know that this isn’t out of the ordinary =)

  81.  #81tinque on February 16, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    Kismet – Nothing to do with petite. I too am petite. It not only takes time to “get good at it”, it takes time to get to know your partner and he you. The longer you are with someone, the more they get to know your body and how it responds. It gets better with time, in all ways.

  82.  #82Jennifer on February 16, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    I’m thinking of taking down all three of my online profiles.
    They’ve been up since Jan 1 and I haven’t received any messages worth while.
    Two were from men who couldn’t spell. That just turns me off. One was from a man who had clearly cut and pasted a model’s head shot onto his profile.
    On Eharmony I have received one message…we got to the point where we exchanged must haves/can’t stands and that was the end of it.
    I feel defeated. Maybe I need more time to myself and this is the way the universe lets me know.
    I feel like the clumsy kid who gets picked last for baseball and the other kids stand around and argue about who “has” to take them.

  83.  #83Jennifer on February 16, 2010 at 2:45 pm

    Also since the base commander of the local air base got arrested for the murder of two local women and the sexual assault of two more, my brother and one of my best friends are very concerned that I would meet “weirdos” online.

  84.  #84Daria on February 16, 2010 at 2:50 pm

    Jennifer – were you using wonderful Glamorous photos of yourself? sexy flirty photos of your face AND body?

    because from your gravatar you look like a very attractive girl

  85.  #85gina on February 16, 2010 at 3:14 pm

    just read the radical forgivness article and it really got to me. my father left when I was a little girl and I have never had good relationships with people, but men especially. I am Christian and follow the priniciples and the basics of the article are the same. what I didn’r realize until recently is that most men have come and gone in my life, and fight and fight to hang on, just like I did recently with my friend. I have an issue of getting close to people (men) and then they leave, now my last offical relationship I left after 7.5 years but that was years of being clingy and fighting for it, this most recet friendship was someone I knew years ago and we became friends now, but in a way i was close to him emotionally and he was with me, and now he pulled away because he freaked out because of his behavior on the phone. being a guy and all, but i thought we would get past it. I had no idea he would go silent over it. Although I think he has carried this too far and I miss my friend. I can see that this a pattern that I have developed of another man rejecting me, which has nothing to do with him. Its me, and I want to heal from this not to bug my friend anymore, because yes I miss him, and want to communicate, but it has more to do with why am I the way I am and what do I do now, so that this does not happen anymore. I am learning to face stuff that I didn’t want to look at before, and now even though it hurts I want to grow and heal. any suggestions are welcome

  86.  #86Jennifer on February 16, 2010 at 3:35 pm

    Yeah, I think so. I used the one from my gravitar and another one of me at my sister’s wedding. I’m smiling in both of them….chocolate sating ball gown not withstanding. I don’t have any flirty ones.
    It feels energetically like a wall for me.
    Maybe it’s just not the right time.

  87.  #87Daria on February 16, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    Jennifer – what I did was get a webcam for about 20 bucks, then I take about 300 pictures of myself in 10 minutes and pick my favorites.. hehe…

    I agree that it’s energetic, this could even boost your energy as its fun for me for example to get some pictures that look good

    I used to think I was not photogenic but now thats changing

    I also got pictures taken with a professional photographer, thats what my gravatar is right now… it made a huge difference in how i looked in them

  88.  #88sia on February 16, 2010 at 4:33 pm

    maybe it would be good to ask someone else for help with choice of pictures? The one you have here feels static and dark to me, it doesn’t feel like it has any message.
    Look at Simply Shannon, there is musing and a bit of mystery there, Or Daria, with breezy open space behind her – maybe feel the whole picture, its vibe, not just whether your face looks good in it.

  89.  #89Simply Shannon on February 16, 2010 at 6:10 pm

    Pics aren’t the main thing that cause men to reach out online. We think they are, but they really aren’t. I went from getting TONS of emails to zero by adding the words “praising Jesus Christ” to my profile. Same pictures, same everything else. My response rate went to zero overnight. It kind of boggled my mind a bit.

    The really interesting thing to me is that I’ve been thinking that I won’t meet “the one” online. When I pray, I’ve been getting the message that I will meet him through church. So by believing I’ll meet “the one” through church, God / the universe is fulfilling my belief. Law of attraction kind of thing.

    Jennifer: I believe that the vibe resides within you. Maybe you don’t really want this to work and so the universe is fulfilling that belief for you. I believe that once we decide what we want and get really focused on opening ourselves up to that, then the universe / God will give us what we want. I imagine that how we feel about meeting someone online would also influence how we write our profile or the words we choose when we respond to winks/emails. Do you see how far down the rabbit hole you could go with this whole “vibe” thing?

    I believe you could meet someone wonderful and amazing and perfect for you. The only real question is are you really ready to let go of your ex and open yourself up to someone new and just having fun again? Once you truly believe that and WANT it, and I guarantee you will get responses to your profile.

  90.  #90Daria on February 16, 2010 at 9:41 pm

    Dear Floating Journal –

    I will be using you yes USING you to write my Toastmaster’s First speech and to practice my rapping.

    Thank you for being here
    Daria. The Goddess.

  91.  #91Daria on February 16, 2010 at 11:14 pm

    i just got a call from the weird abusive put down ex – whats wrong with this boy?

    im gonna EFT him


    i feel like stonewalled and shaky and like i closed my heart and i feel like… operating on shut down mode


  92.  #92Tracy on February 17, 2010 at 1:50 am

    I received this tut quote for today…..

    You’re right, TRACY; too much self-discipline will discourage your playful, wandering imagination. It’ll snuff out the flames of inspiration and creativity. And it’ll weigh you down with routines and logic. It simply isn’t “spiritual.”But, then, neither is too little.Just think what you know to think, say what you know to say, and do what you know to do, TRACY. Every day, lots and lots.

    It just reminded me that i am perfect even with my imperfections.everything is okay just the way it is.
    I feel so much love when i see the world this way…

  93.  #93tinque on February 17, 2010 at 7:51 am

    Tracy – You may have seen me write this before, yet it’s worth saying over and over again.

    Nothing is perfect, whatever that is anyway, so then there must be perfection in imperfection. So in that case there really is no such thing as you having imperfections.

  94.  #94Orna Walters on February 17, 2010 at 10:00 am

    Daria: Change your phone number. There is no reason this person should be able to contact you – EVER! (Unless you share a child with him.) If that’s the case, then let me know and there is another way.

    He’s triggering you into old feelings and behavior and that is not good for You.

    Sending you a big < < > >

  95.  #95Orna Walters on February 17, 2010 at 10:00 am

    Ummm, again the word HUG got deleted between the ooops. A HUG, Daria – I’m sending you a big HUG!


  96.  #96Orna Walters on February 17, 2010 at 10:07 am

    Tinque: Well said!

    Tracy: I love those Tut Quotes! I believe that you, me, everyone – each human being is perfectly imperfect. We are all on a journey. We’ve all chosen our experiences for a reason.

    I tell my husband that he is perfect for me! He is. Sometimes he challenges me and says “Even when I’m crunchy?” I tell him, “Yes, of course. That is a part of you, and every part is absolutely perfect for me.” That is my Truth.

  97.  #97Daria on February 17, 2010 at 11:07 am

    Orna – lol!

    I haven’t changed my phone number for over 10 years (before I knew him – about 9 years now) nor do I want to.

    Anyways I don’t mind him contacting me and triggering me. I can always not pick up.

    He makes for very interesting and intense practice.

    Besides he’s part of my social circle so I’d hear about/from him anway.

    And I do freakin like him. But I want what I want, and he’s “confused” at best

    I feel like I’m holding back with him.

    I think next time I may experiment with some reallity for him, that is a mixed bag of feeling messages and telling him what I think REAL LOUD.

    That might shake up stuff.

  98.  #98Daria on February 17, 2010 at 11:09 am

    Perhaps the child that I share with him is HIM. ! I almost did share a child with him too btw, but taht was long ago.

  99.  #99Orna Walters on February 17, 2010 at 11:15 am

    Daria: Its the abusive part that made me respond to your message so strongly. Good practice is good practice. Embrace the understanding that what you consciously do not reject you subconsciously accept. So please REJECT the negative LOUDLY. 😉


  100.  #100Daria on February 17, 2010 at 11:44 am

    Orna – Right on! Indeed he’s been transforming over the years with as I’ve rejected what I didn’t want. I want to reject more!!

    Haha but I “worry about his feelings” lol!

    I’m looking forward to PROMPT PHONE CLICKING in response to put downs and maybe even my “TELLING HIM WHAT I THINK – FUCK IT”

    I think its good for him!


    I feel held back because in feminine energy, I wouldn’t tell him…. Look I think you’re abusive the way you talk, and I think that a man WANTS to come see a woman rather than asking her to see him, no matter what, etc.

    And that he would never want to put her down,

    But maybe I CAN say those things and still be in the feminine

    now I’m getting a lot of stuff I can say

    Like look I don’t feel SAFE with you. I feel worried that youre gonna start with the put down shit LIKE YOU ALWAYS HAVE and MY HEART JUST DOES NOT TRUST YOU!

    Im worried that you are gonna turn against me, that If I was to lose my temper on you you would hurt me.

    I think you talk like a pimp would, and not like a friend or a lover. No one else in the neighborhood talks to me this way, and I Dont like it. Thats why i dont feel close to you but i feel close to everyone else, even though WERE the ones who’ve actually been together.

    So fuck you! And learn to grow up. Quit whining about me coming to see me! Learn to date and take a woman out FOOL!



    OH and you need to DO something with your life! Theres programs I know somebody who got in and now they have an awesome job. WTF! I could help you with that.

    BUT the way you talk makes me not want to be around you. AT ALL. UGH. IM TIRED OF FEELING SCARED.

    YOU dont act this way with everyone else. Why with me?

    CUz im a girl? Yeah I know you talk this way to other girls but you need to drop it with me pimpin cuz I AM NOT THAT ONE. UGH wow.

    I probably SHOULD be with ……. because he treats me WAY better than you do!


    I HATE YOU!!!





    something like that! lol

  101.  #101Orna Walters on February 17, 2010 at 11:53 am

    Daria: You sure have the feeling statements flowing now! 😀

    My personal fav: Like look I don’t feel SAFE with you. I feel worried that youre gonna start with the put down shit LIKE YOU ALWAYS HAVE and MY HEART JUST DOES NOT TRUST YOU!

    If you wish for some tweaking, read on… if not – well, stop reading here.

    “I don’t feel safe with you.”
    “I worry that you will put me down.”
    “My heart does not trust you.”

    I love the last one because of how you so poetically stated it. Rather than I don’t trust you, my heart does not… so beautiful! How could someone argue with that? (And if they do it says a lot about who they are in the world – which is not about you at all.)

  102.  #102Daria on February 17, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    Orna thanks! Well I feel afraid THAT WONT BE ENOUGH!

    I feel like I SHOULD CLARIFY FOR HIM THAT HE;s ACTING LIKE A FEMININE ROLE, and what a masculine role entails!


    The thing is, he now thinks I want him to pick me up, so he will be calling when he has a car.

    Which I do yeah, but I think he’s still missing the point.

    I KNOW he will call when he has a car… baby i got a car now! lol

    What i like about this man is how he never has stopped pursuing me over the years.

    The weird thing is I feel so overcome by his energy, and even when he’s not around, I feel like a little boy energy craving love. That’s what makes me afraid to “tell him straight up whatsup”

    And I’m trying to tell him straight up anway.

    It’s so “donw the rabbit hole with him” sometimes he picks up and mirrors my thoughts.

    HE’s also poetic without meaning to a lot.


    Shakes head. I feel smily now.

    IM gonna EFT him hehehee

    I’ve told him the “i don’t feel safe with you” thing before. In fact, he had to talk to me through my godbrother, who’s his friend:

    “she doesn’t feel safe with you man, stop scaring her”


    Maybe ive never added the put down and the my heart doesnt trust you .

    I’ll add that, but i fear its too vague.

  103.  #103Daria on February 17, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    Fifteen years ago, I was teaching in an area where there had been large citrus orchards. Heavy frosts had killed the trees. Instead of replanting, they developed those acres and paved them over. I found myself sitting in the airport and crying. The loss of the trees and the Earth made me sad.

    As I cried, images of plants appeared in my mind and I heard them ask: “Why are you crying?”

    “Because you’re gone,” I sobbed.

    “Oh, no, no, no,” they countered. “You don’t understand. There were huge amounts of chemicals being used in those orchards. What you see as loss is protection to us. We’re happy to see houses and people and pavement. It’s like an armor that protects the Earth.”

    My goodness, I thought. What a totally different way of looking at things.
    May I suggest that perhaps it is our ego when we say that we have to save the Earth? I do not think the Earth needs to be saved. I think the Earth is just fine. I think the Earth is far more powerful than we are. I do think that human beings might be in trouble. I think it is quite possible that if we don’t pay attention we might create a place that is unlivable for ourselves, with no bees, no fish, no fertile soils, no fresh water. But the Earth will go on without us, if that is what happens.

    – from susun weed

  104.  #104Daria on February 17, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    Abraxia is part of a series of left handed drawings I created over a period of five years. To me she represents the essence of Aquarius – independent, unusual, and “Nut-like” – as in the Egyptian Goddess Nut, ruler of the night sky. It’s a good idea to keep Abraxia in front of you as you prepare to answer her questions, and yes, she does like an audience although she may not admit it! So keep a pen and paper handy to take notes starting off with how she makes you feel – first impressions are best.

    Abraxia’s Questions:

    When have you gone out on a limb recently and how did it feel?

    I went out on a limb when i shared many poems and rappings here on the blog, and said so what to the voices and to inhibition and expressed myself unreservedly.

    It felt scary, it felt hot in my belly, I felt a lot of anger, thick feeling of anger.

    Choose a symbol to represent how that feels.

    The symbol I see is a bowl filled with poured in lava.

    As you sit and ponder your New Moon intentions (you have written them out, haven’t you?!) ask yourself what first step you could take that would satisfy that symbol you’ve just come up with for yourself.

    My new moon intention: now on the crescent rising:

    to heal quickly and effortlessly like slipping off an old shoe

    Describe that first step in detail.

    To satisfy my symbol i will make a stew with carrots, deep burnt orange red color, thick, and eat it.

    Now, to take this exercise even further I’m going to ask you to be very Aquarian with your plan and to share it with the world-at-large or at least with your friends so that we can all learn from you. How will you do this? How does this idea make you feel?

    I will write it right here. I feel a lil afraid, and also happy and exhilarated!

  105.  #105Daria on February 17, 2010 at 5:27 pm

    I feel angry and sad and frustrated

    I feel like i sprung a leak and im being drained


  106.  #106gina on February 17, 2010 at 9:46 pm

    just read the radical forgivness article and it really got to me. my father left when I was a little girl and I have never had good relationships with people, but men especially. I am Christian and follow the priniciples and the basics of the article are the same. what I didn’r realize until recently is that most men have come and gone in my life, and fight and fight to hang on, just like I did recently with my friend. I have an issue of getting close to people (men) and then they leave, now my last offical relationship I left after 7.5 years but that was years of being clingy and fighting for it, this most recet friendship was someone I knew years ago and we became friends now, but in a way i was close to him emotionally and he was with me, and now he pulled away because he freaked out because of his behavior on the phone. being a guy and all, but i thought we would get past it. I had no idea he would go silent over it. Although I think he has carried this too far and I miss my friend. I can see that this a pattern that I have developed of another man rejecting me, which has nothing to do with him. Its me, and I want to heal from this not to bug my friend anymore, because yes I miss him, and want to communicate, but it has more to do with why am I the way I am and what do I do now, so that this does not happen anymore. I am learning to face stuff that I didn’t want to look at before, and now even though it hurts I want to grow and heal. any suggestions are welcome

  107.  #107Daria on February 17, 2010 at 10:32 pm

    Vienna is so sweet!! the way she said she’s fallen in love with him is so vulnerable!

    And she seems so strong and well… just almost too good for Jake. Too strong for him almost? like she’s not really leaning back i don’t think, but she’s SOOO honest it’s like natural leaning back.
    I know!


  108.  #108Daria on February 17, 2010 at 10:46 pm

    Sia! –

    remember that story i wrote about how I woudl LOVE a man to pursue me… ?? well its coming true…

    the guy who first started to make it come true now texted me:

    Hi there, I know you don’t like texting. (I;’ve only told him once!!!) I am in class thinking about you and just wanted to say whatsup


    I am going to write more stories like this!

    How about the one where someone GIVES me 20,000 dollars to pay my debt, because they think I’m a wonderful person!


  109.  #109Daria on February 17, 2010 at 10:52 pm

    Gina — hugs ! this is a great place to heal for me!

    How about start with a feeling message, right here.

    How do you feel?

    I feel excited!

  110.  #110Debbie on February 18, 2010 at 1:45 am

    Thank you Daria, for your encouragement because when looking back, which I really try not to! I feel selfish, then I play the whole tape through how his son, who has a b-day a month before Christmas recieved $300.00 gun that he didn’t even show any appreciation for in fact was up set because he didn’t get an xbox 360! So for Christmas he recieved his xbox plus a I Pop Touch. Pretty nice little gifts for a 14yr. to receive!
    I could have excused the robe and slippers, if it had been his first time he had been so thoughless! But he forget my B-day, Valintines Day! Our Anniversary he was just into him self! A aweek before his sons birthday, I had went out and bought myself a new outfit, which in the two years we were together I hadn’t done! He made take it back, infact he went with me while I took it back, claiming we couldn’t afford it! Which was’t the case, he had just spent to much on hunting gear! Now I am obsessing!

  111.  #111Lori on February 18, 2010 at 5:54 am


    It does sound like your man is selfish and not meeting your needs. I couldn’t find your original post to see if you are married or just dating. If just dating, I’d suggest to go out and circular date. If married, go out and date yourself. Do things that make YOU happy since he is not.

    I feel shocked and sad that he made you take back the outfit. I would have refused to take it back. That feels very controlling and stingy to me. Why couldn’t HE take back some of the hunting gear he admitted he spent too much money on? The whole situation you’re describing feels icky to me. My children also asked for both and Xbox and Ipod Touch for Christmas and I told them they had to choose which one they wanted more. There is no reason his son needed to get $1,000 worth of birthday and Christmas presents, he got new hunting gear and you got a robe and slippers and had to return an outfit. This man feels mean to me. Maybe use some feeling messages about how it felt that you had to return an outfit in this situation. I’m assuming you didn’t spend anything ridiculous on the outfit, right? I mean, if you spent $5,000 on it he may have a point lol.

    I do believe every couple should each have a small fund of their own money to play with that the other can’t question. My parents have 3 accounts; hers, his and theirs. They pay all of the bills out of their joint account and he buys his car stuff out of his and she buys her shoes out of hers. They swear by this system as neither questions the others purchases as discussion is only allowed on the joint account. Maybe you should try setting up something like this.

  112.  #112Debbie on February 18, 2010 at 6:26 am

    No, Lori we were not married because he wouldn’t set a date! But as he put it “he wasn’t going any were!” We never fought, but I really never stuck up for myself, until things were so out control!
    What I wrote in my original post isn’t the half of it!
    Any way he just called he wants to see me, to drop off some of my stuff I left behind, see he don’t even know where I live yet! I really am not ready to see him, I told him I have an app. at the UW which isn’t true, my app. isn’t until next week! I hate lying but there is a part of me that would like to see him, but I am still so angry and bitter! That it is hard to be nice, positive or anything attractive at all! I am really trying to date myself, and tell myself, I am beautiful, worth while, etc. etc.!!!!!
    P.S I can’t find my orignal post en-either!
    I am afraid to even call him back, he is expecting me to!?????

  113.  #113Lori on February 18, 2010 at 6:43 am


    This is all about doing what feels good to YOU. I used to think it was impolite to not return a call within a certain amount of time, but now I just do what makes me feel comfortable. If you don’t feel ready to return his call, DON’T. If you don’t feel ready to see him, DON’T. This is the first baby step in sticking up for yourself. You can’t control him and make him be a real man and step up and treat you right, but you CAN take back control of your own life. Return his call and agree to see him only if and when you feel ready and able to! Turn your phone off if you have to!

    One thing that helps me is to picture the men who don’t step up as “baby men” like Rori says. That makes them seem less intimidating and it’s true because they are not ready for a real grown up relationship. I personally want a real, full grown man who can take care of me physically, mentally, emotionally etc and WANTS to!

  114.  #114Debbie on February 18, 2010 at 9:43 am

    No, Lori we were not married because he wouldn’t set a date! But as he put it “he wasn’t going any were!” We never fought, but I really never stuck up for myself, until things were so out control!
    What I wrote in my original post isn’t the half of it!
    Any way he just called he wants to see me, to drop off some of my stuff I left behind, see he don’t even know where I live yet! I really am not ready to see him, I told him I have an app. at the UW which isn’t true, my app. isn’t until next week! I hate lying but there is a part of me that would like to see him, but I am still so angry and bitter! That it is hard to be nice, positive or anything attractive at all! I am really trying to date myself, and tell myself, I am beautiful, worth while, etc. etc.!!!!!
    P.S I can’t find my orignal post en-either!

  115.  #115sia on February 18, 2010 at 10:04 am

    that is a great text! I am thinking about you – that feels just right not overcomplimentary..
    I would probably read it 5o times if I was interested in the guy. Not good for me I know..

  116.  #116gina on February 18, 2010 at 10:37 am

    I fel tired and sad but know that I am going to get through and I feel hopeful. Each day is a gift

  117.  #117Linmayu on March 7, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    I spent Valentine’s Day with a bisexual girlfriend who is awesome and makes me feel beautiful and desired. We went to a concert and then got pizza; it was perfect. <3 I could easily have gotten upset because no man asked me out, though…

  118.  #118Business on August 26, 2010 at 10:31 am

    All I can say to all of this is that Valentines Day is not just for lovers, it’s also for anyone that you love. I celebrate it with everyone that I love. I send cards every year to my friends and family. No one should ever limit Valentines Day to just being romantic with someone. It’s for spreading love to everyone that you love.