Love and Your Subconscious – Change the Outcome

Untitled design (14)

blacklabyrinthI wanted to write this as sort of a companion piece to my “Love and Memory” post – it’s a small exercise to use along with other of my Tools that work differently – so if it seems contradictory to other Tools, it’s not….it’s just a different angle.  I’m all about seeing what works for YOU – and different things will work at different times.

The idea is to experiment – so let me know how this affects you…and be sure to Riff and Channel no matter what:

So many of us are held prisoner by memories stored deep in our subconscious minds. My wonderful friend Virginia Feingold Clark is an extraordinary hypnotherapist who’s been featured on Forbes.com, and who I deeply trust with my own subconscious.

Virginia told me that because the subconscious has no awareness of time, when we are reliving an experience in our mind, it’s as if it’s happening to us right now — body chemistry reactions and all.virginia

She taught me one way (there are many) to get free from the tyranny of a painful memory: We simply replay it in our mind and change the outcome!

This is a technique that is especially powerful with hypnosis, but you can also do it on your own. The key is to relax deeply so you can access your deeper mind.

Here’s how Virginia says it would work, for example,  with the memory of a heartbreak:

1.  Sit or lie down with your eyes closed for about 20 minutes, then take yourself back to the memory and replay it — make it a vivid movie in your mind.

2. Go through it from the very beginning and change the action, the dialogue, the feelings – see and experience yourself handling the situation in a way that makes you feel good now.

What will happen is that by taking back the control you felt you lost, you’ll no longer identify yourself with being a victim.

You’ll feel freer – with much more confidence and a new ability to make decisions from a place of greater personal power.

I love this Tool – it gives going back and thinking about these old things an actual purpose (just make sure to not revisit it over and over, use my other Tools to walk yourself through the Tunnel, to Channel, and to stop the Train of Obsession if you feel like you’re on it)…and I love Virginia.

I get her to work with all my clients to take the edge off of anxiety, and make better so many other things, and you can see her on my Commitment Blueprint Program talking about her experience with her own marriage, and how “It’s Never Too Late To Marry.” You can find Virginia at www.ItsNeverTooLateToMarry.com.

68 Comments

  1.  #1Robin on November 22, 2009 at 9:52 pm

    I was reading this & the ‘Who’s to Blame’ post and feeling like crying, im sitting on a lot of sadness right now that I need to really sink into…

    I did a concert with my ex yesterday and all I could think about was what could have been with him…

    Even though 3 other dates were there to see me perform…and they rode together, they know each other, and I can handle THAT..

    And here I am feeling bad about my ex…

    And I feel completely hopeful the very NANO-SECOND I see my ex coming toward me (physically, emotionally, spiritually, you name it…

    And his gf came into the ladies room and started helping me get ready, and I let her bc I felt shaky and nervous…
    and Im ok with that, but I feel so sad right now….

    Im allowing myself to chat with his gf when she talks to me, and this had been happening more and more, and most of the time I feel ok, but every now and then I feel a twinge of sadness and flood of emotions all over the place for my ex….

    And I actually feel jealous of his gf, I found myself asking the question ‘why did he choose her? Why does everyone choose her?

    And I decided I didnt want to compete with other women and YET Im comparing myself and creating competition…

    Case in point, this morning, a friend of mine (and theirs too) came up with 3 of his kids, and they hugged her, and they ran over to hug me, but then then went back and stayed with her the rest of the service. And my ex pulled out his phone and took pictures of her playing with the kids,

    And I felt a little bad, and yet I felt joyful because I loved the presence these children brought with them, so I talked with them a little, when I wasnt singing, and asked myself “why didnt they come to me? Am I giving out some kind of bitch-vibe’? What is it about me?’

    Then I heard a voice in my head say “I guess shes a better woman…” and I said back “well I guess she is, oh well, I love who I am anyway..”

    And immediately, and I mean immediately after that conversation in my head took place, he came over and sat with me during the sermon and started talking to me, and I felt floored..

    And my internal dialogue, of course, wasnt just about the kids, it was about why he choose her over me, it really broke my heart..

    Ive tried something similar to this is the past, imagining what it would have been like if things had been different, but afterwards, Im always hit with the harsh reality that things didnt work out the way I had hoped they would..

    Im going to need to try this again, with a different outlook other than the 1 word that has colored all my interactions with him (and still does at times)…HOPEFUL



  2.  #2alias girl on November 22, 2009 at 10:01 pm

    my three exes love me and adore me and buy me presents and get on one knee and who do i pick? hmmm who do i pick?

    and they all WANT to be with ME and they LOOOOOVVVEEE MMMMMEEEE SOOOOO MUCH. yae!

    and they are all super loyal and wanting my time and taking me out and i have sex with all of them and i keep them all.

    the end.

    thank you.



  3.  #3Tracy on November 23, 2009 at 2:14 am

    I feel glad i found this blog at this time in my life….I feel glad that i am changing my conceptions in my subconcious mind because the men i attracted in the past were really not what i wanted…..i feel that i was not in a place to receive the kind of love i wanted but i am getting there now…i feel glad and excited about finding new love and attracting someone that feels good for me from the inside….I feel grateful for this awareness…



  4.  #4Katie on November 23, 2009 at 4:14 am

    I met with my ex for a coffee yesterday and I can sympathise with Robin’s ‘HOPEFUL’. I was yes-no-yes-no about going and nearly called it off with an excuse.

    But, the ‘Yes’ got my final vote.

    It really did felt good to see him. I was leaning back nearly all the time. I could only say just one feeling message ‘it felt good to see him’ but after that I couldn’t do any more feeling messages. Obviously I felt a whole lot more than that but it didn’t feel the right time to try expression. We didn’t talk about anything personal anyway. But I get a warm feeling from just being with him, and always have done. He clearly still likes my company.

    After about an hour we said bye, and he said ‘see you soon’, is he just stringing me along? I couldn’t sleep well last night, I just felt an emptiness inside and I felt lonely and down. Maybe I should just not see him again. Perhaps he’s just not ever going to value me and ‘us’ enough to want to really get back together and this thought causes pain and heartache.

    I am getting out and getting into my own life, interests etc, but still miss him so much.

    Its about TRUSTING in myself and in LIFE, I guess. I find it very hard to know just how much to lean back and how much to say or not say. I don’t want to be manipulative, and I don’t want all my hopes bundled up together and projected onto this one man! I do want a REAL relationship. My difficulty is that I was more connected or attached to him and clearly this is still the case. I would love to be able to talk some more with him about ‘us’ but he’s shut down in his heart energy from a previous painful divorce. But that’s his stuff! Its just that everyone has stuff/baggage and it effects everyone else.

    I appreciate the post, but I feel that doing the visualisation just now would put me more into feelings of loss! But yes I would love to visualise a different ending and would love it to be a reality too.

    What does anyone think?



  5.  #5Tina on November 23, 2009 at 5:55 am

    I do this every day , I just never thought of well no I’m lying , I should say I never had a deliberate positive outcome. I just did it with a few painful early childhood memories, I could feel my body resisting, my mind resisting positive outcomes, asking myself why would I want that outcome? I kinda feel good 🙂 I was always trained to “let it go” let go the negative painful memories , pray them away, pray hard and they will go away. Let me tell its not easy and i dont feel relaxed. The happy outcomes make me feel sad. I noticed this right away, why am i feeling sad about a happy outcome. Do I feel sad because I know I’ll never have it? pick a time, any time, I dont have to think hard about it, its normal for me, close my eyes and a bad memory will be close by. ok so one bad memory at a time. I’m going to be busy, I might fall asleep. I have a vivid imagination so why not fill them with good outcomes? yeah. This tool is a keeper for me! I mean really, these are old traumas,lose whatever hell It’s my brain I can have a positive feeling about it, rather than shame , guilt whatever other negative feelings come up from my movie. I know in reality I will never get back together with any of my exs lol, I just like the idea of changing outcomes, not in a pining away for him emotionally , i have to be very mindful of that, its not the purpose of this exercise, also I feel its this exercise is not meant to “cover up” any feelings rather the point is to change thought patterns or something? for living in NOW. Something like that, I’ll continue to experiment with it. My first feeling NOW is anxiety about about changing outcomes, where before say an hour ago , it was resistance during my playback lol. Like my brain is saying oh i know what your doing, im on to you. you cant do that, thats not the way it happened. so what who cares , im going to change the outcome anyway. I dont want to get into anything to heavy.



  6.  #6Linda on November 23, 2009 at 6:31 am

    Healing come in lots of forms. Learning about us during the process is so vital. We all have had the what if and the if only moments. I am learning to listen , keep my eyes and ears open. My heart needs to be open too. That is where the need for healing comes in. Every time I am triggered, I lean in to me and press to find what is feeling wrong or wronged inside me.

    After this year and the crap I have been thru, I want to discover how to love myself best and keep loving myself understand. On my journey, I have discovered what I need, what I want and am able to articulate it clearly. I am glad I found this community.

    Linda



  7.  #7Tracy on November 23, 2009 at 6:33 am

    I feel that changing the outcome for me changes the guy i was with altogether…i feel a deep connection yes but it feels like a process to an even better place…so i am finding myself imagining someone else altogether…
    A part of me that still wants to hang on to the past, that feels damamged by this past still wants to cling but a bigger part of me urges me to an even bigger and better place and there is expectation and excitement to want to try this new thing out…
    So i feel mixed feelings….i feel glad that i can feel all of this…i feel more grounded now and more connected to those around me…i feel that i can now really know the right guy just by how he makes me feel…it doesn’t feel like a certain character or a certain kind of person…but rather a certain kind of feeling…this is a great experiment!



  8.  #8Simply Shannon on November 23, 2009 at 7:22 am

    Totally off topic but I got this in my email today and had to share. It felt good to read because what Andy describes is who I believe Rori wants us to be all the time… no matter our age!!! Thank you Rori!!

    ———————
    As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

    A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, ‘What are you thinking?’ She doesn’t care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it’s usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

    For all those men who say, ‘Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’, here’s an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

    Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!



  9.  #9Simply Shannon on November 23, 2009 at 7:23 am

    Oops! Should have said the post I just listed is from 60 Minutes… what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40.



  10.  #10DocK on November 23, 2009 at 8:47 am

    SS – LMAO!!



  11.  #11Simply Shannon on November 23, 2009 at 9:05 am

    Changing the feelings in a memory. Hmmm. That does feel powerful. Now that I have space between me and the memory, I’ve had time to figure out what I wish I had said or done during that crucial moment. Something that wouldn’t necessarily change the outcome but that I could walk away from it feeling good about myself. I’ll be trying this later.

    I’ve been feeling curious about something lately. My ex and I have been officially divorced since May (split since April of last year). I have no feelings good/ bad/ whatever towards him. He is literally a null for me. Yes, I feel aggravated with him at times (we have kids or there would be no contact), but those feelings are fleeting… barely even blips on my radar. It’s like we were never married. I simply do not feel concerned in his regard (other than how it affects our kids). I want him to be happy for our kids’ sake. Nothing else.

    Now, fast forward to the men that I’ve dated since I’ve been single, including A who cheated on me. (My ex cheated too.) Why is that I still have these lingering feelings about A who I dated for a whopping 3 months and for my ex (who I was with for 8 years) na-da? It feels so weird to even think about A when I don’t do the same for my ex. Have I just had more time to work through it and get my ex out of my system? The thoughts of A are beginning to be less and less, but he still pops in my head every once in awhile. Maybe it’s just time? I feel curious and interested in exploring this for myself.



  12.  #12Aldonza on November 23, 2009 at 9:20 am

    “Virginia told me that because the subconscious has no awareness of time, when we are reliving an experience in our mind, it’s as if it’s happening to us right now — body chemistry reactions and all.”

    I read this too. The “old brain”, the part of our brain that deals with fear doesn’t recognize time. It just recognizes threats, be they real or imagined, physical, emotional, or whatever. Once you are “triggered”, you don’t have higher brain functions anymore. You want to “freeze, fight or flight”. The fear comes out in all sorts of nasty ways. Lots of guys go MIA when they trigger and lots of women cling.

    I like this idea of “new endings”. However, I think sometimes it’s hard to know exactly what the memory is that’s triggering us. Sometimes we’re reacting to some pretty deep stuff that has nothing to do with what’s going on now.



  13.  #13Melanie on November 23, 2009 at 10:08 am

    SS: Thanks for that Andy Rooney bit — wonderful!!

    About A vs. your ex . . . Maybe it is because you had many years with your ex to discover ALL his imperfections, annoyances, etc., so the good feelings you had for him at one point are neutralized by the accumulation of things that gave you bad feelings toward him — not just the cheating, but even the every day turn-offs that we all have by virtue of being human (with the cheating being the deal-breaker). Which would mean, of course, that A would suffer the same fate if given enough time. Does that make any sense???



  14.  #14alias girl on November 23, 2009 at 11:28 am

    hahahaha thanks simply shannon. “just to get a little sausage” hahaha. i feel good to laugh. hehe. 🙂



  15.  #15Nikita on November 23, 2009 at 12:35 pm

    Let’s see……we were on vacation together…..we enjoyed a lot of thing about each other. We hit on a trigger for me which was not feeling welcome…and feeling trapped away from home…I felt frustrated about not being able to go to my default position and run…which led to me shedding tears…longing for my pillow….I left the room crying in order to console myself…..he came in after me put his arms around me and expressed that we would……..and he was sorry…..he didn’t intend to………I felt good being comforted by him…and surprised that I didn’t pull away as I usually do…..there was a sureness I felt….an authenticity in his vibe…..I melted into his arms and trusted him…….a few days later together we were having a lot of fun with each other….in the morning he proposed to me……and instead of being suspicious about what he was trying to do….I allowed myself to be vulnerable….and impeccable with my word…as I faced him and said yes, I feel comfortable saying yes……and I hope you mean it…….he said he did mean it and got very excited….we ran out of the house to go shopping for rings……I felt excited and nervous at the same time…..but the enthusiasm in the air eclipsed my walls….and I flowed and relaxed….accepting the beauty and abundance the universe was offering to me…..I felt wonderful….and he looked relieved…..and drew closer to me, opening his heart and his arms…I was floating on a cloud…..instead of being under it……I feel completely confident with my decision………and he’s proven himself to be a person of their word and a wonderful man…..

    thank-you angels
    😉

    xoxo
    nikita



  16.  #16Bethany on November 23, 2009 at 12:57 pm

    Virginia is just wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. I am so glad Rori recommended I contact her and work with her.

    I have missed a lot of posts here–my dad had a stroke last weekend and I’ve been in family crisis mode. He is expected to make a full recovery and I feel relieved to hear that. I have never had an ailing parent before–it sucks. But I feel really really happy he’s still here.

    So in short I don’t know what’s going on with all of you lately but big hugs anyway.



  17.  #17tinque on November 23, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    Nikita – this is SO great on so many levels….big hugs

    Bethany – I’m so sorry is inadequate, but it’s all I have. My thoughts are with you…
    xxoo



  18.  #18Simply Shannon on November 23, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    Nikita!! I feel so excited!!! Oh my goodness!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 Ohhhh I feel happy! A Siren is getting a ring! YEAH!!!

    Bethany – I feel glad that your dad is expected to make a full recovery. Thoughts and prayers being sent your way. (((HUGS)))



  19.  #19Simply Shannon on November 23, 2009 at 2:01 pm

    Melanie: I feel agreement (is that a feeling?) about what you said re: A versus my ex. I had a lot of time and experience with my ex as well as the time after we split to sort through my feelings. (I was a big raging mess at first.) I do believe it’s a time thing. I’m already forgetting what A looked like, but I do still think of him. I don’t punish myself about it but it feels weird to have him pop up in my thoughts.



  20.  #20Flipper on November 23, 2009 at 2:37 pm

    I feel confused. For Nikita, wasn’t that a re-imagining of how things could have been? In any case, it feels very empowering.

    Like how SS put it, “Changing the feelings in a memory. … (to what) I wish I had said or done during that crucial moment. Something that wouldn’t necessarily change the outcome but that I could walk away from it feeling good about myself. ” And what Aldonza wrote, too, about triggers and timeless responses, and those very first ‘forgotten’ memories that set the pattern.

    ***
    Vive Women over 40!!



  21.  #21Linda on November 23, 2009 at 3:51 pm

    I need some advice. I have never run into this before in the potentially romantic relationship department.

    Ex-bull rider… has written me three times. Even after I spoke my piece. Telling him what I will and wont tolerate…..and I did NOT mince any words either….He says he is sorry, understands he caused this and will accept what he gets but wants another chance.

    I am clueless…. really. I have met so many insincere men… I feel cautious. Any advice?

    Linda



  22.  #22alias girl on November 23, 2009 at 3:53 pm

    aw nikita yes. i feel that. i feel the vibration of that. all is well. whether with him or another i feel the trusting vibration of your redo and it feels lovely and true. i feel it happening for you now. when? now. xoxo

    bethany i feel supportive and loving. and also a little scared and buzzy in my head. i feel supportive. hug.



  23.  #23alias girl on November 23, 2009 at 3:55 pm

    oh and i am talking to a new mr delicious online. oh my. something has shifted for me in my attracting powers. oh my. 🙂

    and i have an interview at 5 for job.

    thank you.



  24.  #24Flipper on November 23, 2009 at 4:37 pm

    You go, AG!

    Linda, I don’t feel I can give any advice per se, but some thoughts and feelings you might resonate with.

    I would feel flattered and fluttery that he’s persisting, but also mistrustful (am I confusing his eventual inability to hear no or accept not winning with real efforts to prove his goodguyness?). If I were feeling curious and willing to experiment, I might respond just that ‘I feel curious – what exactly are you proposing?’ And if he came back with something specific I wanted to accept, I’d make sure I had plans B,C&D in place, with maybe even a preference for doing B,C or D. Or I might want to be more wary, but still indicate a possible future change of heart ‘I’m no longer feeling any desire to connect now. Maybe I’ll be feeling more mellow in a few months.’

    Hugs to Bethany.



  25.  #25Chrissy on November 23, 2009 at 7:56 pm

    I feel so excited because this post could not have come at a better time for me – I have only recently decided to concentrate on leaving my past in the past to ensure it does not taint my present or my future.
    I survived (and that is the only word for it really) a physically abusive relationship and the subsequent court cases for stalking and threats to kill etc. For more than 18 months I lived in a “fight or flight” state – feeling constantly fearful, anxious, sick. (I was diagnosed by a therapist as having post-traumatic stress disorder).
    I am now in a happy, committed, healthy relationship but I still feel the pull of my memories at the oddest of times. I get triggered by a happy moment in my rel and find myself concentrating on the painful past. I am aware I am doing this but seemed unable to stop myself from “picking at these healing wounds”.
    To be able to go back and re-write those memories so that I can finally lay them to rest (and not merely “bury” them with denial) sounds fabulous and I am going to make that my priority! And I feel so powerful at the thought because I have always felt that for as long as I am re-living those memories, he was “winning” by still having a hold over my happiness. Not any more! 🙂
    Thank you so much Rori xx



  26.  #26Bethany on November 23, 2009 at 10:33 pm

    Thanks everyone.

    I felt shocked tonight when I got to my class to teach when I saw this guy who I’d met at the bar a few weekends ago. I’d only talked to him once but told him I teach, and then I saw him again at Wal-Mart, where he works. The only two times I’d met this guy. Then, he shows up before my class! Which means he snooped around on the Internet and found where I worked…

    Okay, I felt weirded out…he was waiting for me and he asked me out! I felt all nervous and I said no. I feel bad for saying no because I’m supposed to be circular dating and NOT thinking that all guys are creeps, but I said no because I truly FELT creeped out! Who goes to the workplace of someone they don’t even know and asks them out? Umm, don’t you usually try to find someone’s phone number or Facebook them before you stalker-search for their place of employment? Weird, weird, weird, I feel like I’m freaking out….I feel conflicted because me saying no was in contradiction with my circular dating goals, but on the other hand, I honored my fear and said no. I felt creeped out and said no. And I’m second guessing myself.

    I don’t know what the message is here. Which part of myself am I supposed to listen to? I feel guilty and freaked out and frustrated and annoyed…I feel all these weird feelings and I love my weird feelings. They’re ugly and I hate them! No, I like them. I don’t love them but I can give them some like…I feel bad. I feel scared the universe won’t send me more men to practice with because I freaked out and said no to this guy. I feel so confused.



  27.  #27Kaitlyn on November 23, 2009 at 10:59 pm

    Bethany, please don’t tell me that your self-esteem is so low that you’d consider excluding a stalker type from your circular dating pool.



  28.  #28Kaitlyn on November 23, 2009 at 11:02 pm

    I mean, that you’d consider INCLUDING. Most certainly, you should exclude him. Never speak to him again and keep record of him showing up somewhere again. Ok, back to my vodka now.



  29.  #29Tracy on November 23, 2009 at 11:31 pm

    Bethany,
    sending you big hugs…..
    I am also back to circular dating and men are starting to line up….i feel excited about it and it feels good to receive all this attention from the universe..thank you…
    I feel that every man we interact with has a lesson for us to learn…..find the lesson within yourself and you’l know the next step to take…i am learning to love what is….and find goodness in everything that comes to me…
    i take them as lessons and as soon as the lesson is learned on to another one…

    Nikita,

    I feel so happy for you…..yay…another siren with a ring…that feels awesome….

    SS…
    i LOVE your post!so much insight….thanks for sharing……I feel resonance with that…it would feel great to dig deeper within myself and also discover more about why i feel differently towards the men in my life…



  30.  #30Daria on November 24, 2009 at 12:16 am

    hello

    Bethany hugs. I feel worried about my dad’s health now. I feel relieved to hear that your dad is going to fully recover. i feel sad and scared thinking about my dad possibly having a stroke. I was the primary care person for my grandfather when he had a stroke. i feel proud of myself. and it felt scary.

    i slept with him at the hospital in a room with 30 people in romania. and he didnt quite know what was going on and he wanted to hold my hand. he was scared. he was a very powerful person in my life and it felt scary. it was so scary my cousin couldnt deal with it and didnt really come to the hospital with me when i would go. i had to find my way in and sneak past or tip the guard because the hospital was in quarantine. i had to run around town looking for medicine for him. he recovered.

    he had another stroke years later, and eventually he died. my mom was there this time, and i helped. i felt ok. i felt good to be with him, i felt ok about him dying.

    i left before he died on an intuition.



  31.  #31Daria on November 24, 2009 at 12:27 am

    i feel weird.

    a lot of tumultuous stuff happening.

    first off… i went to an event and guy with a baby wast ehre (yes him the one you heard me talk about).

    well i was with our other guy friends. i looked blankly into his face and didnt smile or not. i looked unfocusedly.

    i practiced receiving energy. i ponded and felt all men energry rivering to me

    it felt interesting to feel his energy this way. because i feel hot in my lower back and good when he’s around. so i was feeling that, but instead of feeling pulled toward him (energetically) i gave myself boundaries for my heart to jump around, and i ponded.

    it felt good to allow myself to feel good. i also gobledygooked my thoughts.

    well. he was there with a woman i think he has dated, not his babys mom. ive seen this woman in a picture before.

    the crazy thing is, she had her 2 year old kid. the little girl KEPT COMING TO ME! she would come to me, no one else… she did it over 12 times. the woman had to come get her baby from me over 5 times. and one time, HE CAME TO GET HER.

    I felt bleary (i had been drinking) and was watching the show, so i didnt really look at him. i know it was him though. he came up to me and took the baby. hmm. im guessing he wanted to see how it would feel to get close to me. (this feels fun and empowering to think)

    so yeah. that was nice. i felt good.

    tonite. i was honest with my sister about feeling mad. i said

    i feel mad at being yelled at. and i feel sad. and i feel scared to tell u cuz maybe you will tell me to go fuck myself or that you dont care. but i feel upset.

    so then this felt very scary to write…

    then she wrote back

    i feel mad too. you guys left and did something else than wat you said.

    (i and her boyfriend (my godbrother) went out and met one of his friends, i was giving him a ride to pick up mail, but we took forever because i was trying to get money out the bank to get food — we used to hang out a lot in the past, when they were broken up, wich made tension for me and my sister, but ive alwasy wanted them to be together, and now they are yay).

    well i FELT SO GOOD to read that answer. i feel so loving towards her. and i feel good, not tense anger in my lower back and tummy! and it feels awesome. I DID THAT JUST BY SHARING A FEELING MESSAGE, a TRUTH.

    oh gosh.

    it rocks.

    so what you guys think?

    other stuff i did… i ]got very drunk and threw up outside a club (that i went to by myself but then my friend came) then i walked around lost for 2 hours before i got to my sisters house

    i feel good now tho. and i found my car by the club the next day.

    apparently i met a man who sounds good on the phone, but i dont remember him lol. apparently i danced with him too.

    i dont feel as much that i NEED to drink to feel comfortable tho.

    that nite i did have too much obviously, but hte anxious feeling of… ohhh a crowd, i should drink…is not taht strong. i feel cool even not drinking.

    which is good because every now and then (like last nite, i drink too much and my mind goes )



  32.  #32Daria on November 24, 2009 at 12:28 am

    oh its alsosomethinkg ive wanted to do to go to a club by myself. so i did it. although if i do do it again i don’t want to be drinking myself crazy.



  33.  #33Daria on November 24, 2009 at 12:30 am

    ps i saw the other guy i liked that nite, but when i was gonna look in his eyes for 5 seconds, instead i quickly looked away after like a half second, and then i felt bad like uhoh thats kina rejecting to him so he gave me a hug but it was only partial, like he thought maybei didnt want to really be close to him. drat.

    well there will be more practice opps. i want to be able to look men i feel attracted to in the eye for the full 5



  34.  #34Daria on November 24, 2009 at 12:34 am

    ps – and some of my brothers (ie guy friends) have been hitting on me LOL!

    that feels nice. it feels nice to say my feelings! its so easy now in a way. just being honest how i feel and hehe fun



  35.  #35Daria on November 24, 2009 at 12:38 am

    they want to “help me relax” lol



  36.  #36Kaitlyn on November 24, 2009 at 1:31 am

    I met a guy online and we hit it off. Nothing physical except kissing; we just have great chemistry and vibe together. Tonight he texted me, asking me on date #3, “Would you like to go out Tuesday or Wednesday?” I answered Wednesday. But then he never txtd back as to what time.

    WTF? What do I do, sirens?

    Also, I felt txting was ok this time since he has always called before.



  37.  #37Daria on November 24, 2009 at 1:38 am

    Kaitlyin. I wouldn’t trip. He will call back later and then I would say “i feel better to have a set time… what do you think?” if he brings up the date.

    I would actually feel curious as to his planning skills and attention… that’s shown me a lot about a man and definitely i feel more attracted if he’s very direct and follows up on what he says… so i enjoy actually seeing what he’s gonna do… it’s not quite a “test” but its a good way to see how i feel with his “giving”



  38.  #38Kaitlyn on November 24, 2009 at 2:55 am

    NO GUY WHO ASKS ME OUT HAS PLANNING SKILLS. ARRRGHH! :gun to head:



  39.  #39Kaitlyn on November 24, 2009 at 2:59 am

    And thank you, Daria, as for what to do with Half Plan Man. That’s a good suggestion for when he calls and still hasn’t established a time. Luckily, I don’t ask guys out or initiate the date anyway.



  40.  #40Daria on November 24, 2009 at 3:09 am

    Kaitlyn

    now that i think about it, many guys that have asked me out had seemingly sucky planning skills. I practice trying to inspire it in them by basically expecting them to.

    also when guys dont give me a time i dont actually write it down as a date. if they bring it up later i say the time thingy. but i dont bring it up myself.

    i guess i kinda like it when they flake cuz then i know i can eliminate them… which is fun (???) whoa wheres this coming from

    so yeah BTW the “big” guy who wanted to marry me stood me up on friday. he had a time and everything lol.

    i feel relieved. lol



  41.  #41Flipper on November 24, 2009 at 4:50 am

    Yeah, Daria, I know how you feel about the drinking thing. Still happens to me, sometimes, even at my great age. Sunday night in fact (well, I didn’ throw up or completely blank out, but I spilled my wine more than once and still wasn’t completely clear once I got to my car after taking the train home). And there were a couple appealing guys who showed me interest at my event. I chatted amicably enough, but froze up inside I guess (fear of intimacy, anyone?) and couldn’t quite make it to the feeling messages (without alcohol, it’s too scary, and with I’m afraid of making mushy, slurry ones and giving them a bad name, lol). “S’okay”, as AG says, that’s how it was. Too bad, BUT I’m NOT gonna beat myself up. Next time. They’ll be back.

    Bethany, maybe the message from the guy is that you are well-worth the effort he had to put out to find you, even if it was misguided and backfired on him. Did you give him a feeling message about you unease? If not, this could be an opportunity from the Universe for an internal re-do with what would have made you feel powerful to say so you can feel some good from it.
    ___

    I felt despondent this morning. But feeling that felt better than plain old sad, and I felt both able to slosh around in it more and got to feeling better more easily. Not that despondent is not as bad as sad, it just felt more specific and less like a cover-up.



  42.  #42laughing goddess on November 24, 2009 at 9:38 am

    I am feeling so much better now! I was feeling disturbed and scared about J and I taking space but I also feel determined to see this as a great thing. I feel certain that I will be happy no matter what. I feel confident that there are so many wonderful things in life that I can focus on. I feel knowing that I am wonderful and lovable and I feel very confident that he can see these qualities in me. I feel confident that life is good and things will work out for me. I deserve the best! I am a loving, gorgeous, interesting, together goddess who is doing her best in the moment. I feel excited to have more free time. I feel interested in filling this time with feeling good and doing things I love.

    Initially I felt inspired to take some space when this project was finished but then when he brought it up, I felt rejected. I feel the possibility that this isn’t a rejection, it’s just a transition into an even better situation. I feel confident that he isn’t rejecting me, that he wouldn’t do that and more importantly, I am not rejecting me. I don’t want to be hard on myself. I don’t want to get depressed. I don’t want to give up on him just because he is feeling the desire for space. I have that desire too yet I still adore him and love hanging out with him. I feel wondering if creating space in a situation is good because it allows room for something new to come in. I feel thankful for all I have experience and learned and grown from. I am wonderful. I feel wonderful. I feel hopeful. I feel hopeful that this space will bring great things into my life, either an even better relationship with him or space for me to meet someone fabulous, or maybe an opportunity to love myself even more.

    I feel excited! I feel excited for what this day will bring. I feel trusting that all is well!



  43.  #43laughing goddess on November 24, 2009 at 10:06 am

    my rewritten memory/script:

    J and I worked together on this project * we spent a lot of time together and most of it felt flowing and fun * the challenging times we had ended peacefully as we worked through a lot of our issues that had kept us apart in the past * we were both amazed by how easily they were solved * I felt so thankful that he was willing to go deep with me and help me see how I sabotage my relationships by going into victim or anger mode * He felt amazed by how open and willing I was to let go of my destructive ways of relating * I felt proud of myself for being able to evolve * he commented often on how different I seemed * we laughed so much and both felt close and connected and understood * He bought me sweet little gifts like the gloves and the chocolate cupcake and that felt great * when the project ended, we both realized that we needed to put some energy into other aspects of our lives * we parted ways gracefully each knowing that the other deeply cared for them and that things were not over between us, they were just beginning * we both understood that we just needed to regroup so that we could flow into the next chapter * this next chapter feels even better * in the next chapter he feels comfortable and trusting to open his heart to me again * he sees that I am capable of treating his heart in a respectful way * I stay focused on being loving towards myself * I find lots of things to focus on that make me feel good * I draw him in by being healthy and active and fun * He can feel that the desperation in me is gone * He yearns for me * He knows that I am the best thing that has happened in his life and he would be a fool to let me go * he knows that I am a prize and that I won’t be single for long * he appreciates my passion and intensity * He is no longer scared of it because he knows that I can manage my negative emotions that come up in a healthy way * I have learned to manage my feeling and emotions in a healthy way that feels good to me and those around me * I feel so excited to see what unfolds in this next chapter * I feel so excited to love myself and date myself * I feel loved and seen and connected * most importantly, I feel deeply deeply in love with myself and the life that I have created around me * I feel awe and amazement at the beauty that exists in the world * I feel knowing that “his” love for me is just a reflection, a mirror, of my own love for me

    and it is done…

    thank you angels!



  44.  #44laughing goddess on November 24, 2009 at 10:11 am

    I feel so ready for big love!

    sooooo ready for a big love to come into my life. I feel ready ready ready.

    I feel happy because I am in control of that. I am not subject to the whims of the gods. I create my own reality in every moment and now…… I am ready! I no longer feel scared of big love. I can handle it! I can handle being showered with love and affection. I am soooooo ready!



  45.  #45Rori Raye on November 24, 2009 at 10:15 am

    Bethany – This is a totally normal reaction, don’t beat yourself up!! I would imagine it’s the Wal-Mart job that freaked you out. If he was an attorney, you might have felt pleased that he worked so hard to find you. Could you please take the good from this – a man went to all this trouble to follow his attraction to you – and also the good that you followed your feelings…even if that feeling is fear. Next time – try this….”Whoa, I’m blown away that you worked so hard to find me, and I feel a little freaked out at the same time. I don’t know you, so I don’t know how to take this…am I being pursued in a fabulous way by a great guy, or is this like stalking. I’m new in town, so I feel kinda confused. Also, I feel kinda weird being visited here at work…it has nothing to do with you personally – but I’m feeling …afraid. I want to just say no…even though I don’t know you, and yet I really appreciate this…What do you think?”

    You’re so used to a man not chasing after you that it was hard for you to sort out the real issues here. This is the same response a woman who’s been abused would have…or a woman who’s been the victim of a violent crime. Any kind of aggressive approach by a man is terrifying. That’s why the baby steps. AND – this WAS Circular Dating!!!!! This was a HUGE bit of PRACTICE!!! Right then! That was the “date”! Just use everything that shows up. Love, Rori



  46.  #46alias girl on November 24, 2009 at 11:41 am

    BIG HUG FLIPPER!!!!! ***HUG*** xoxo!



  47.  #47alias girl on November 24, 2009 at 11:44 am

    i feel good reading your redo lauging goddess! 🙂



  48.  #48alias girl on November 24, 2009 at 11:54 am

    i feel good reading rori’s response to bethany. also i like that she considered that a “date”. it widens my perceptions and helps me feel more successful with the way i am going about things.



  49.  #49Simply Shannon on November 24, 2009 at 12:19 pm

    AG: I felt the same way! That’s a “date”? Wow! Very cool!

    Bethany: I love what Rori wrote to you! I feel glad that you honored your feelings and said no since that’s what you felt at the time. “No” is a complete sentence. 🙂 I would have felt weird about him showing up too.

    Laughing Girl: I believe with all my heart that your re-write is THE ACTUAL STORY. All you gotta do is let it happen.



  50.  #50Kaitlyn on November 24, 2009 at 12:25 pm

    Um…who wouldn’t say no to creepy, invasive stalker behavior? Why are you sirens praising her? It’s obvious to not want to date a guy who does that.



  51.  #51Kaitlyn on November 24, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    “I would imagine it’s the Wal-Mart job that freaked you out. If he was an attorney, you might have felt pleased that he worked so hard to find you.”

    What?!!! Yes, because money excuses scary behavior. Is this siren island or desperado desert? Ugh.



  52.  #52Simply Shannon on November 24, 2009 at 12:35 pm

    Kaitlyn: Hmmm. That’s a tough one. Part of me would want to text him and say “I feel uncertain about Wednesday since we don’t have confirmed plans. I would feel better knowing what time so I can make arrangements. What do you think?”

    Sirens, would that be leaning forward?

    Or maybe take him at his word that you have plans with him for Wednesday (ala being surprised and not in control of the outcome)? If he doesn’t make contact by tonight, I would feel better to have other plans in place. I dunno. The rockstar in me says that it would feel okay to text him back with the lines above. After all, I don’t want to be sitting at home if my night is open. It’s got nothing to do with going out with this particular man. It’s about ME wanting to have fun plans.

    For me, it feels fun to be surprised. If he asked me out for Wednesday and didn’t give a time, I’d probably assume it’s for Wednesday evening (if that’s typical for him) and just let go of control and be surprised. It feels okay to not be concerned with the details at the moment. If he calls or texts me out of the blue with plans that don’t match what I assumed, then I could say “Oh. I feel surprised. I didn’t know our plans were at XYZ. It would feel better to know what time upfront so I’m available to give you all of my attention.” And if I have other plans, then I tell him so.



  53.  #53Kaitlyn on November 24, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    Thanks, Shannon. I’m going to go ahead and follow Daria’s advice. I’m sick of babysitting men and prompting them to step up or act like a normal human being who respects my time.



  54.  #54Simply Shannon on November 24, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    Kaitlyn: I would feel weird if a guy showed up but a part of me would feel flattered that he did so much to find me. Maybe he couldn’t figure out another way to reach me, no number, no Facebook, whatever. Maybe he’s just clueless and thought this would be a way to impress the hell out of me. I might find that appealing… weird, but appealing. The whole point is that my feelings are my own. Just because someone else thinks that’s stalkerish behavior doesn’t mean that I’m “desparate” because I don’t.

    I appreciate your voice here but sometimes I feel judged… and that doesn’t feel good at all.



  55.  #55Kaitlyn on November 24, 2009 at 1:07 pm

    My guy friend (Terrance Thames) said me calling the guy as to what time would make him feel like I didn’t trust him. And that if I just leave the calling about time up to him and just go on the date and feel my girl energy, it will make him step up for next time. Well, I feel he’s not stepping up. Terrance says differently and that I need to relax.



  56.  #56Kaitlyn on November 24, 2009 at 1:09 pm

    Basically, I have to leave my mental checklist at the door when he rings the doorbell.

    Unless he calls at 6pm and says be ready by 8, then that’s unacceptable and Terrance agrees I would cancel in that case because a girl has to respect herself.



  57.  #57Flipper on November 24, 2009 at 4:17 pm

    Aww, thanx AG – your hug feels so kind and friendly. I went dancing tonight and felt great there. Even used a couple feeling messages. It’s AMAZING how men BEAM when you say them to them.



  58.  #58laughing goddess on November 24, 2009 at 7:16 pm

    AG and SS: it felt so good to read your messages of support. I feel funny saying this but I started bawling when I read them. I feel confused as to why I often start crying when I feel loved and supported. Does anyone else experience this or have any ideas why?

    So yes, I feel so touched by your support. I feel thankful. I too feel with all my heart that my rewrite is already happening and I just have to let it in.

    Flipper: I feel in agreement with what you said about beaming from the feeling messages. It’s almost like you can see them melting before your eyes. I feel so good when that happens.

    To all: I feel good reading your posts. I feel excited to have more time soon to respond and offer feedback. What an incredible group we have here!



  59.  #59Simply Shannon on November 24, 2009 at 8:14 pm

    Laughing Goddess: Awww. I feel good knowing you feel good. I really did mean what I said. Reading your re-write felt like the real story. All you have to do is get out of the way of the story line and take care of yourself. It feels good to not laser focus on a man (e.g. your J). If a man asks for space, it feels good to give him the gift of missing me. And oh by the way, no man really thinks a woman will give him that gift. They all believe that they are gods and that we weak women are just dying to be touched by them. Whateva. So… give him the gift. Shock the hell out that little belief system he has. Trust me. He has no clue what he has requested.

    More importantly give YOURSELF the gift of being open to whatever happens. J may just be a frog that you enjoyed kissing at one point. He may not be the prince. Maybe. But maybe not. Be open. Be surprised. It is so freakin’ liberating. And when he comes back (because they all do if you give them the missing gift – ALL OF THEM), you won’t care one way or the other. And you’ll feel so much more open to ALL MEN and PEOPLE.

    I can’t wait to see the story unfold…



  60.  #60laughing goddess on November 24, 2009 at 9:07 pm

    SS: I like the way that sounds “giving him the gift of missing me”. Yes! That feels really good! He’s not going to know what hit him. This feels exciting. I have a feeling he will quickly realize that he misses me terribly.

    Here’s a question tho. What if he calls me regarding project stuff?technically our work relationship is over and I don’t have any obligation to answer and part of me is considering not answering when he calls and not returning his calls. I guess my motivation is to make him sweat….to make him wonder. At the same time, he does return my calls. What do you think about ignoring his calls. Is that leaning back or being passive aggressive? Part of the reason I would be doing it is because I feel afraid if I do talk to him right now I will break down and give a pleading energy. Maybe if I stick to feeling messages I could handle talking to him. Any thoughts?



  61.  #61Simply Shannon on November 25, 2009 at 6:28 am

    If he calls and asks you to call him back AND you feel like calling him, then do. If that particular time you don’t feel good about calling him and feel worried about your energy, then don’t call him back. Treat him like you would treat any other person. He’s just a person, not a prince (until further notice). Does that make sense? The important thing is to fill your life up with things that feel good to you. That way when he calls you don’t have that pleading energy. Our job is to care about ourselves and to do those things that feel good. Why are we so content to torture ourselves with things that don’t feel good?

    I hope this helps. With love from one GODDESS to ANOTHER GODDESS! 😉 Shannon



  62.  #62tinque on November 25, 2009 at 9:00 am

    laughing goddess – tears are awesome. they’re a release. they’re a way to connect. I wrote about this recently if you wish to see and learn more about the beauty of tears.
    http://sexandheart.com/wordpress/?p=725
    xxoo



  63.  #63Kaitlyn on November 25, 2009 at 10:36 am

    Dude txtd last night as to what time we’re going out tonight. Yay! Now I just get to relax and enjoy on the date.



  64.  #64Simply Shannon on November 25, 2009 at 1:12 pm

    Yeah Kaitlyn! Hope you have fun!



  65.  #65Nikita on November 25, 2009 at 2:38 pm

    So my re-imagining shifted A LOT of stuff 🙂

    crazy 😉

    great post! loved it…..



  66.  #66Kaitlyn on November 26, 2009 at 4:42 pm

    Yep. Fun date indeed! And the best part is that I like him, but I’m not hung up on him. He did ask me to spend the night, no sex/just closeness (yeah, riiiight). I said no but maybe another time. That’s truly how I felt. I wasn’t playing hard to get. Then I hear complete silence from him. I said nothing. I just sat there and enjoyed the music and let him stew in his own feelings. Then he started talking again as if it hadn’t even happened. Lovely! I AM A ROCKSTAR!



  67.  #67Simply Shannon on November 26, 2009 at 5:13 pm

    Kaitlyn: “yeah riiiight” Haha!! I feel happy that you had fun and stayed true to you!



  68.  #68Daria on November 26, 2009 at 8:47 pm

    Yeah Kaitlyn. I feel smily reading about him stewing in his feelings. yes! I feel shocked sometimes at the silence and disconcerted, and then I Feel Powerful to let there be silence… yeahhh!