Love From Dave Matthews Through the Fantasy and Into the Arms of the Man Who’s Really There

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I was driving along, my new Dave Matthews CD playing, when this incredible song started playing. I played it over and over and over – it’s the most romantic song I’ve ever heard, and my heart just swelled.

The whole day I was in that space of romance – and I was putting my space in that yearning space, where there was a mysterious male at the root of the song, he made me feel the way I felt…and as this old tape was playing…I stopped myself.

Instead of this vague mystery man who’s supposed to be more amazing and fulfilling and gut-level deep romantic than my husband, who is real and with me – I thought about my husband.

I put him in the picture of the space of this song.

I let my heart open up around him.

It was totally amazing.

All of a sudden, I could sense my resistance to this. I could sense I was fighting the image, the feeling of my husband as my Prince Charming –the image of him as hero in the bodice-burner novel starring me as heroine.

The man picking me up and carrying me away. The man bonding with me in such a deep spiritual, forever-after fairytale sense that I feel swept away.

It was really, really hard – like a back-and-forth tug-of-war –  for about 5 seconds. I could feel myself tense up.

So – I asked myself – “What is this?”

I asked – “Why am I resisting the idea of my husband being this romantic, dashing figure in my life.”

And the answer was “fear.”

“Fear of what, for heaven’s sake?” I asked again. “He loves me, I know he does. I wear his ring, we’ve been married forever, though sometimes it feels like it’s only been 5 minutes and I can’t believe this is my life and wonder how I got here.”

And the answer had nothing whatever to do with him. The answer that came from inside my heart to the brain of me was  “I’m afraid of swapping my unattainable dream for my reality.”

Was I afraid of losing him? Perhaps by death? Or him meeting a younger woman and leaving? Did I have this same fear around my daughter? My dog?

Was this an across the board thing that I remember feeling when my daughter was a tiny baby and it hurt my heart just to look at her?  Where I kept feeling myself shut down because it was just all more than I could process? Was this global fear thing blocking me from deep love?

Can’t love too much. Could be gone in a flash. And then what?

So – I said to me – “Who cares?”

“Who cares what the fear is or what the problem is…I’ll just “Riff” here for a minute, and then keep opening up my heart and putting my husband in the song…”

And it was just amazing.

He IS the man in the song. He IS the fantasy. And not because he looks like or acts like the fantasy – but because in a FEELING sense – he just IS that to ME.

He has accepted that role. He’s committed himself to that role.  He wants to BE that hero.  He wants to BE that fantasy.

He’s not preventing me from feeling this way for him. It’s ME that’s running scared.

And hearing that song with my own man in it – not the one I couldn’t have, not the one long ago, not the one far away, but the one sitting in his desk chair staring at the computer screen, not even thinking of me, but with my picture right in front of his face – deepened my marriage yet again.

I love feeling that way, and I love that I can feel that way with the man I’m already dancing with.

So – this Intimacy thing…

There’s fear there. Yes. Just accept it, and get over it. Yes, it’s gonna put the brakes on you when it can. Yes, it’s an obstacle. It’s sharp like knives and it makes you take a breath and stand back. So what?

The fear can make you feel incredible, too. In a moment when you breathe past it, see past it, imagine what IS instead of what isn’t or isn’t “quite,” it really does feel like you’re flying.  Flying like in a song.

Keep your song of love going always inside you. Keep practicing opening up your heart and discovering the little blocks and breathing gently through them when you’re alone with yourself and loving yourself in so many ways. Make the song aboutYOU.

And then let it move around in your every day reality.

Instead of keeping a good man  (he may be just around the corner or sitting in your living room) – in a box called “not the fantasy” – try putting that good man IN the fantasy. Let him be there, even though he doesn’t look the part.

There’s more to us than form. There’s more to us than what we think there is. There’s more to love than billboards and what we think is “cool” or “handsome.”

Intimacy is its OWN mystery, fantasy, amazingness.

Intimacy CREATES the feeling of love.

Go try this with a tree. Go try this with a friend. Go try this with the man passing you on the street who seems utterly ordinary.

Let me know what real life feels like when you let it fall into the fantasy and live there a little.

Love to you, Rori

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  1.  #1Daria on February 6, 2010 at 7:53 pm

    omgod i feel like… who am i to comment… who am i to say something about someones life… and i can do it… i can do it i can say stuff when i “should be quiet” i can “interfere” even tho i feel like im being stabbed in the back as i do so ….

    i feel unworthy and disgusting to comment on someone elses experience

    shut your mouth girl

    that is rude
    that is rude
    that is not your place

    shut your mouth girl

    i hate you
    i hate you

    i cc feel

    i ff eel
    i dont know what i feel
    i feel all up in my head floating
    i feel m elbows pinching on the desck
    i feel extreme critcizim of myself

    no i hear that

    i hear
    it and i afeel like tightenig up waithing for the whip
    to hit my back
    i feel
    the strongest fears
    stillin my heart
    and body represents all that was before
    and is now
    i feeel like
    th culmination of the most high mountain with no one to look up where
    all i see is the sky
    and endless

  2.  #2Daria on February 6, 2010 at 8:12 pm

    Fuck Rori!

    You say the most amazing things! I just cried and cried forever at the middle of your post. and then i read the end and its just freaking amazingQ!

    You really rock!!

    THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS. WELL FOR EVEN TRYING THIS OUT AND FREAKIN TELLING ME ABOUT IT. OHHH you are so brave that is really cool and smart too because you were able to explain it to other people. haha. I really like you! I want to do these things too.

    I am feeling good and i refuse to let the stabbing voices .. So what? hahaha

    Rori youre a g hahaha

  3.  #3Daria on February 6, 2010 at 8:15 pm

    I am having hella fun expressing myself even tho I am shaking in my boots and pants… haha… so what?


    this is exhilarating

    feels exhilarating?

    ohh feels does feel attractive


    feeeel sounds like pettting a cat

  4.  #4Daria on February 6, 2010 at 8:18 pm

    if i keep practicing this feeling the fear and opennign to love every moment im gonna start rapping off the head like lil wayne haha and rori

    ooh this feels exciting

    it feels like someone gave me permission to be myself
    and im God


    like im the star of my own cartoon show and i get to decide whta happens every moment

    cuz the fear voices yeah so waht

    open up
    dont even think
    just be HONEST

    be intimate

    without thinking or with thinking
    but with
    the fears
    felt and so what
    i feel

  5.  #5Daria on February 6, 2010 at 8:19 pm

    i dont have to be afraid to be myself

    even if im a a pitiful disgusting sniveling repulsive needy humiliated human

    mhm thank you

    so what


  6.  #6Daria on February 6, 2010 at 8:21 pm

    still want a pretty man tho

    i dont have one yet

  7.  #7Daria on February 6, 2010 at 8:27 pm

    well i was just looking at one and i felt turned on

    i dont feel turned on whenever i look at umm non sexy men


    i feel scared im not going to feel turnedon

    i had men the liked me before and i was with them and i didnt feel turned on

    i feel angry i feel furious i feel angry i feel furious

    who are you to tell me i cant have a handsome man

    i want a handsome man

    i dont give a fuck

    i am a pretty woman i want a handsome man and im going to have one that is handsome fuck fuck fuck

    i feel foot stompingly righteous and tatrum making

    i dont want to NOT

    u cant make me marry someone i dont want

    i dont want to
    i dont wnat to
    i dont want to

    i feel mad

    i want the cute one
    i wnat the cute one

    i want the cute one


    Why its ok to like a handsome man – by Daria

    1. cuz hes handsome

    2. cuz yuou feel turned on aroudn him – I feel turned on around him, so u better

    3. cuz hes fine

    4. cuz it s so fun and exciting and deliciiously more than youre worthy to look at during sex

    5. caus you cant believe your luck

    6. cuz you can show off liek a mother fucker

    7. cuz your eyes water and your pussy gets wet when you think about him

    – and its easy to thik about him when you like him

    8. cuz you can put him in your fantasiez

    9. cuz he looks so fuckin good like this should be a page out a fairytale when hes eating you out

    10.. cuz you got one you can show off in public

    11. cuz he raises your status to

    12. fuz it makes you feel like u a hollywood star

    13. were slowing down here

    thank you.

  8.  #8Daria on February 6, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    I’m using men to fulfill my need to be a Hollywood Star.

    I dont think I’ll ever be a hollywood star. I Do however look good .

    Good enought to be in videos and magazines if i want to… and not just look good, I mean im bad.



  9.  #9Daria on February 6, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    I guess i want to model

  10.  #10Daria on February 6, 2010 at 8:34 pm

    I want to model, but i shut that down of fear. that its not gonna work it looks stupid im not gonna get paid its slutty

    fuck that

    so what

    im slutty

    well in a im so fine you can put me on your magazine and your husband daddy and uncle want to fuck me

    yes it sounds horrible but its the truth

    men all over the world want to fuck me

    ohhh it feels overwhelming

    and also exhilarating


    ill go with that


    i feel so judged

    i feel angry at you!!!

    i dont feel safe telling women that i think all men want to fuck me



    i feel afraid of yall

    yall could try to jump me or something

    i dotn trust bitches


    i feel so unsafe and not understood

    i feel completely on guard

  11.  #11Daria on February 6, 2010 at 8:40 pm

    dont interfere when people are arguing ! its noen of yoru business!!

    oh yeah well it makes me feel UMM It makes me feel that fuckin feeling i feel that doesnt feel restful

    i feel unrestful


  12.  #12Daria on February 6, 2010 at 8:42 pm

    Im a poet!

    Can i get paid?

    Poets are poor.

    Rappers get paid!

    aha! thats why i wana be a rapper

    ima poet and a rapper

    now i just gotta read my poems

    cuz i writem

    withat scrilly scrilly cat scribbles squiggles to the wiggles in the darling kitty katty kitty kat

  13.  #13Daria on February 6, 2010 at 8:43 pm

    I’m just gonna natrually be rapping.. im dont even try


    ima be fuckin rappin all along my day and then be busting out nonstop like lil waymenem

  14.  #14Daria on February 6, 2010 at 8:50 pm

    i got too much swag to not rap

    im way too poetic too

    yall know im gonna be the best rapper

    this so what to the fear thing really rocks

    it feels fucking relazxinbg


    so waht to the fear

    that is very what i like

    ima warrior to the fear so what


    gangsta D and the true mc had a date at ehe white lili pavilion papillon paper to the maker that salt wet that shaker and the suckers were on stuck to the stove like a blue alcoeve to the mila to the rila to the boo boo killa to the running to the river downt to the billy bankj where the skanck smelle astank by the bank of the river to be

    now what i say is not a joke ima rappin to the beat

    its just an up and down let go of that frown open up so what to the fee

    i dont even have to say lol

    fuck lol

    im too raw to lol after everyword i say when im not lolling

    groshumonlogous goacamole polinurs i am writing this to netherspace and soon it will be all running my way thre the hole in the minddele of thed ay to the center of my body where i swallow all the hotties in the dark wet grass lands of the barazori river where the land look like tigre and the foil smoke like figre its a place that is out of this world

  15.  #15Daria on February 6, 2010 at 8:51 pm

    GET IT! its CADANCE!!

  16.  #16Daria on February 6, 2010 at 8:55 pm

    so what

  17.  #17Daria on February 6, 2010 at 8:56 pm

    Im Daria daughter of Horia and Violeta and i say “So What?” to the voices

  18.  #18Daria on February 6, 2010 at 9:03 pm

    this is quite fun i feel all brithishy in my lilting songy voice… i could write a harry potter novel

    So what

    london is expensvie… lvoe the novels people… hi sylvia hartmann… hi other british ladies hi heartbeat.. put a kettle on hehehe kisses coming thru…

    so waht

    the beginning of a movie

    i just want to create to no end

    making love to the blog hahaha

    turning a page

    to an evem more scary emotion

    of weird


    man beasts and


    of skin and

    mental sociopathic deformities’

    so what

    i am myself

    when there is nothing to say i say myself

    i me myaself me mememe

    i me


    the most worthiest woman allive

    or dead

    i am
    the most beautiful

    i am
    the most hungriest

    i am the most powerful

    the most
    healed people
    by me

    i am
    the greatest

    ever imagined
    by human or star kind

    i am
    the greatest one

    and i am the greatest one

    i am



    I am the best human on earth.

    I am the best angel in the heaven

    i am the cleverest devil
    i am the prettiest spirit

    i am
    the most
    infinity times one
    i am that
    the coming
    of the princling
    the one
    that they waited for
    i am
    the biggest blessing
    mankind has ever wore
    i am
    the one

  19.  #19Daria on February 6, 2010 at 9:29 pm

    This quote from a porn site is amusing :

    I have a great army of admirers in my native Samara, but only the best handsome men get access to my beautiful pussy. I try to get everything from sex, and that’s why it’s not difficult at all for me to get 3 or 4 orgasms during sex.

  20.  #20Cathy on February 6, 2010 at 11:13 pm

    Hello Sirens

    I am new and would like to greet all of you for the nice comment contributions in all topics. Rori’s post is very interesting but falling in love with one’s husband is good despite the problems.

    The point is this can’t be case in my own. I suffered humiliation, blackmail, insult, and worst of all violent on my hadicap son for three years. Was a super toxic man with feminine energy.

    In that so call marriage, I was all. Both the masculine and feminine energy partner. I invested everything and was overfunction both financiallly and physically so as to get his love. Nothing worked.

    Will post you again about my experiences since I came across Rori’ Mr Right in connection with ‘Circular dating’.


    Finally, I had to try to get out of it.


  21.  #21Soignée on February 7, 2010 at 1:34 am

    I feel uncomfortable when sometimes Daria expresses such an aggressivity with very strong words. I hate strong words, they hit me, they remove my comfort feeling.

    These words seem not goddessy to me. They give me the sense of dirty, dirty world. I mean when Daria uses the expressions like F…Everything is ok when we express our feelings. But sometimes I feel uncomfortable listening such an aggressivity, such passion for dirty words.


  22.  #22Soignée on February 7, 2010 at 1:40 am

    Sorry, but sometimes these strong words they seem like someone drunk. I do not know why but it gives me the feeling of people who are outside, so aggressive, so drunk. I remember such expressions and aggressivity at a train station in Milan.

    I am afraid of strongly aggressive words, they are not goddessy. They do not belong to goddesses, to sirens, they belong to drunk street people. Sorry, but such words give me this feelings.

    I feel sorry for Rori to listen to some abusive words.

    These words can be abusive, they can offend other women. I feel offended. I feel abused by some expressions. They are deep but too strong for me. Sorry.

  23.  #23Daria on February 7, 2010 at 2:20 am


    i m a passion for dirty words goddess!!

    i love all of me hahahaha

    i feel curious

  24.  #24Daria on February 7, 2010 at 2:21 am

    i am a drunk street goddess!

    i love being drunk on the street!

    i am beautiful

    i do not like being judged

    i feel angry at you soignee

  25.  #25Daria on February 7, 2010 at 2:24 am

    i feel my fear of feeling to strong and abrupt


    Rori i love this so What toool.

    i had a great time openeing up to men in the club using hteh So what tool to my fears

    so what

    people think im rough and they feel uncomfortable around me

    so what

    i lvoe my feelings

    so what




    so what

  26.  #26Daria on February 7, 2010 at 2:25 am

    so what IM DRUNK NOW

    i had lost to drink

    im a dynosisus goddess


    i lvoe it

    i love me

    i feel afraid

    so what

  27.  #27Daria on February 7, 2010 at 2:26 am

    im the FUCK GODDESS

    i dare you to challenge me in combat!!


  28.  #28Daria on February 7, 2010 at 2:27 am

    i can feel you that fuck is very strong feeling and doesnt feel to comfy or flowy

    but FUCK


    i still like the fuck goddess

  29.  #29Daria on February 7, 2010 at 2:29 am

    Soignee i am a rapper… uncomfortable shocking words work to my advantage


    hugs woman

    open up to


  30.  #30Daria on February 7, 2010 at 2:30 am






  31.  #31Daria on February 7, 2010 at 2:39 am

    i feel sad… soignee i feel judged and angry and sad

    thats like if i were a red hummingbir dand =you were a blue hummingbird and you said

    i dont like the color red

    that hurts





  32.  #32Soignée on February 7, 2010 at 3:21 am

    I do not tell about you, but the strong words I heard from you, they made me remember about drunk street people.

    These words make me feel sad and abused- They make me feel uncomfortable. They are strong and for me they work like negativity. They leave me a negative sensation.
    I feel sad.

    I do not want to judge you and do not feel judged. Only please know that your words can hurt.
    They can hurt me. Maybe not other people. But me.

    I feel sad.

    I am always inspired of your nice posts because you have a fragile, beautiful soul, this is my sensation.
    So I can see beauty in your feelings and your sensivity.
    But some words can be abusive. Yes, they can. It is the same as you express your feelings, let’s say, to the men, when they hurt you. These strong words, they hurt me very much.
    You tell them also to Rori, to this saint woman who gave us the possibility to change our relationships. I feel hurt also for Rori. I feel sad. I feel this aggressivity and negativity in such kind of strong words.

    Please if it possible, stop using these hard words.

  33.  #33Soignée on February 7, 2010 at 3:33 am

    Dear Daria, we are here to change our mistakes, our insights, our behaviour to be a goddess. For example, like I do change my mistakes: turning from “leaning forward” to “leaning back”. I know about this mistake and how this my behaviour of “leaning back” can influence the men around me. I do change, I give a try to change. I know how my previous behaviours influenced the others. I change not to expand the negativity. I try to change myself. And if I know I can hurt someone and it is in my power not to hurt them if I change my behaviour, I will do it.

    You know that these strong words you do use, they influence me, maybe not other people.
    But I feel sad and uncomfortable like I was kicked,
    hit, like I was physically abused. Can you change your strong words for me?

    If not, please let it be. I do not want to be judgemental. I do not really want to.

    But I feel sad. And I so much admire your sensitivity.
    But these deep strong things you say, they influence me.

    Sorry , really sorry.

  34.  #34Linda on February 7, 2010 at 6:01 am

    All ya gotta do is scroll over Soignee. I do.

    Sorry to be so blunt.

    I love my bluntness.


  35.  #35Lola on February 7, 2010 at 6:49 am

    Just subsribin on iphone! :- )

  36.  #36Katie on February 7, 2010 at 8:58 am

    Hey – Soignee (hugs to you) and Daria (hugs to you too).

    This is a great forum for sharing open, honest, direct communications.

    It is rare to find a space where there is so much less criticism and judgement than a lot of other places.

    Here, us women are from all different backgrounds, we’re all different ages, star signs, temperaments and we’re from different countries, yet there’s a feeling of ‘sisterhood’.

    Seems that sometimes it a place where SHOUTING THERAPY just happens, like a great big mirror, reflecting back each and everyones inner states.

    Lottsa ‘F’ words means to me that on that day in that persons life there’s movement, there’s an old skin being shed off, growth and maybe there’s some anger, maybe there’s pain and it is the only way that at that moment it can be expressed – and that IS OKAY!

    Another time it might come out as poetry or wisdom, and what might be seen as negative or bad is just the flip side – and the flip side is OKAY TOO!

    Raw self expression, it’s all about ME ME ME ME, is OKAY too. Sometimes we all have this feeling, that it’s all about ME! I feel glad that it can happen without censure, here as we are, as we feel in the moment.

    And yes if I don’t want someone’s words just then, in my face – I can scroll down as Linda says and I do at times.

    Let’s just keep sharing! I feel loving xxxxxx

  37.  #37Diana on February 7, 2010 at 11:55 am

    I’m not going to dwell on the strong words and the sensitivity issues above…except to say that I can see both sides and I admit to being sensitive to this kind of expression, but at the same time I employ the same methods when I’m driving in my car-bubble and I need to scream. I couldn’t live without that outlet.

    As to Rori’s post. I love it and I feel like her lessons in just feeling the difficult emotions and standing in the same room with them without talking…just being there and looking them in the eye – this is the most amazing thing for me. I grew up suppressing everything I didn’t want to feel or wasn’t allowed to feel…it’s taken so long to just be ok with fear, anxiety, love, fear, fear, love…so intertwined, but of course anything of such value is only valuable because it is not guaranteed; it can be lost. Therefore we fear it and want it all at the same time.

    Talking about your daughter Rori, I think (don’t have kids) that i feel what you mean – like, how can I open my heart up to the possibility of loving such a vulnerable creature SO MUCH? It’s such a risk, but what other choice do you have? Distance, walls, rigidity, impervious, rock-solid stoicism?

    If you lost what you feared loving, then you not only lost that person, you lost the possibility of loving him or her…and what’s the point of that? That is tragedy, not losing that which you dared to LOVE with your whole being! That is heroic!

  38.  #38Katie on February 7, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    Hello, and yes, suppression from young, it has taken me a long long time also, to gradually get myself to be able to express feelings. No probs with all the ‘nice’ stuff, that was allowed in my family home, but the darker emotions were hidden away.
    I am feeling clearer, lighter and more authentically myself every day.

  39.  #39Katie on February 7, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    I was busy cleaning windows at home today. While I was doing this I imagined how I would like to be loved. How I would like to be appreciated and treated. How special and wonderful it would feel to be soaking up that kind of love from a man.

    Wow, it felt good, it was just unconditional. Then I had the notion that I can feel this about myself, anytime, I can generate that good feeling inside myself, loving myself, appreciating my life. It felt good!

  40.  #40Daria on February 7, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    ok so now my trigger is — well if i fully and uncesuredly expresss myself… what if it hurts other people… i better be careful and take care of myself and other people

    i dont want to

    i feel rebellious

    soignee i feel curious that my words trigger you

    i do not want to stop using them

    i encourage you to riff about the trigger about drunk street people

    this drunk street people trigger fascinates me

    i have been a drunk street person, and i have seen other drunk street people

    and yes i’ve been afraid to be judged as one, and felt wildly thrilled to be judged as one too


    my trigger is… dont be myself or else i will not be accepted… people will want me to censure me

    like jesus

    ok that is a big trigger for me

    cuz i think that when people are really authentically real, other people will gather up, capture them , torture them and kill them

    has humanity changed… maybe so or maybe its about to

    Soignee i like your posts, i don’t feel angry right now, i feel a lil sad and pushed away and then i feel my wall rise up like a gigantic wave and says FORGET ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO DONT WANT YOU TO BE YOURSELF

    wow. well actually i’m excited because all this time here not yesterday but for very long when i write i worry that people will not accept me, that they will say they dont like me, or say they dont like what i ssay, or that i shouldnt say it, or that i will be censored

    and now, well i wasnt even thinking, but it happened, so that is a cool trigger

    btw i gift my words to Rori and this journal. My posts were poems. I want to gather them into a poem book, and they are gifts.

    I thought Rori would be delighted by them.

    But there is no knowing.

    I however felt elated writing, and I will protect myself and my writing ok… maybe i will stand up and say NO to censoring myself

    Linda I didn’t feel offended at first, i thought that scrolling over posts was great advice for someone who was not wanting to trigger themselves that way…

    i feel weird about the bluntness part. There wasn’t too much to be blunt about, until that part… and i felt attacked.

    My mind says its an attack. People usually don’t give plain directions like… “the bathroom is to the left ” and then say… sorry for being so blunt. People usually say sorry for being so blunt when they say something like “you suck, and i dont think youre doing the right thing”

    I feel angry

    and i feel revengeful and

    in the spirit of that I want to be so blunt as to say

    that i often used to scroll over your posts too (though i come back and read them) because i feel drained reading them and feel a lot of negativity and drag down in them — but that has shifted more recently

    anyways to know you ignore me i feel like attacking you and call you a hundred triggering words

    this reminds me of a woman in the street who would look at me and roll her eyes and think shes better

    or the old people in romania that would throw tomatoes at kids for being loud at night

    i feel triggered!! I try an try to tell myself that “these people” don’t judge me and then well they do and it feels bad.

    ok this trigger is hella interesting now.

    I feel curious and intense

  41.  #41Daria on February 7, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    Katie I loved what you said, thank you.

    Diana thank you it feels good to hear that you see my side.

    I admit that i get triggered by my own words sometimes!!!

    thats why i was letting it go!! So what? to the fear

  42.  #42Daria on February 7, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    i feel triggered thinking that in teh world, people get triggered by one another, and judge, and “scroll over” connection and empathy…

    and then we miss out on wonderful people! with many many sides and gifts! and because we ourselves feel triggered by one way of expression, that we learend is “bad”

    this happens all the tiem with entire groups of people!


    this feels sucky

    this is what i want to do on earth, is “fix” this


    i want to naturally allow people to bridge thru to one another

    thats what i want when i think of life purpose

    one of them

    and also it comes back… i am open to people andyet… i judge teh judgers!

    and i judge so much, i havent avoided judgement


    i feel like im dizzy chasing my tail

  43.  #43Katie on February 7, 2010 at 2:17 pm

    Love to learn to live
    Live to learn to love

  44.  #44gina on February 7, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    Reading all this stuff about trigerring eachother with words reminds me of how often i really truly hate people. Sometimes I feel rage overcome me and I feel a surge of just wanting to anihialate a person. It happens at the comedy club all the time cause its crowded and the trays are heavy and people are drunk, and it’s dark, and the bartenders can be mean, and so can my boss. so when somebody tries to be cute and funny, or demanding, in that moment, I want to destroy them. BUT recently, I’ve been trying to tell the truth even to my customers, and then I feel the rage leave my body. And, so far, when I get on top of the rage and speak from my point of view with awareness of theirs, they seem willing to work with me. I feel scared of how much I hate people sometimes (especially when i think of intimate relationships), but then, I feel my highest possible goodness when i am able to rise above my rage and speak with compassion from my point of view. So whenever there is conflict, I am trying to find that feeling – the way to get above the rage.

  45.  #45gina on February 7, 2010 at 2:55 pm

    I feel like my tendency to express myself so honestly and completely (rage and all…I don’t have a poker face at all) makes me charming and fit for reality tv, but not much else. cause it seems like
    BSing each other is what makes the world go round. except that I don’t really believe that. All that BS is jamming up the system, and that’s why I think things are getting all screwed up in our society. I think telling the truth with compassion and respect is the only way to go. But it’s super hard when the respect isn’t mutual. Like if kids are being loud and disrespectful on the street, I would LOVE to throw tomatoes at them. I would probably love to be a loud kid on the street, too, though. It’s such a delicate dance with each other!! I also hate that, if we don’t CHOOSE to respect each other, then a necessary evil often takes charge and FORCES us to behave (government) and then the power of that evil grows with the responsibility that we hand over.

  46.  #46Lucy on February 7, 2010 at 2:57 pm

    Staying here, reading everything, feeling triggered, feeling everything, responding from the heart . . . feels like Intimacy to me.

  47.  #47Daria on February 7, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    Aww Lucy thats so sweet!

    Intimacy wow!

    Gina that is very cool! I feel very intrigued by your triggers… and what you said about telling the truth with compassion

  48.  #48mary on February 7, 2010 at 3:49 pm

    R and I broke up last night.

    And I’m just reading through the comments now…

  49.  #49gina on February 7, 2010 at 3:51 pm

    Mary I feel relieved about R….how do you feel?

  50.  #50mary on February 7, 2010 at 3:54 pm

    I have to say that I feel continually fascinated by things people write on this blog. It has me addicted. Thank you, Rori, because I’m learning, too.

    It isn’t my complete cup of tea, because of my charm school southern belle background, but I think that’s what fascinates me.

    It’s like I read all this stuff that’s really going on in people’s minds, and it’s usually unedited, which is fine!, and sometimes I think, “wow. do i feel that way too?” and it’s gotten me in touch with a side of me that I like, too.

    But Soignee.

    I so admire your courage to speak your truth! I learned so much from that just now as I read what you said, and how you kept your position even though it wasn’t appreciated.

    And Daria.

    Today’s comments are so refreshing and alive! And come from such a beautiful heart! I love it that you welcomed that exchange last night and are examining your triggers in such a wonderful way. I’m learning from that, too.

    Thank you both for your transparency.

    I’ve just shed a little outer layer of onion skin. Feels so good!

  51.  #51Lola on February 7, 2010 at 4:03 pm

    Hi Mary

    I’ve only had time to skim through recently, but I got the bit where you got back from Thailand and were disappointed by R. I felt sad reading it it.
    Why does R not like you visiting your children? I hope you don’t mind me asking, but I feel curious.


  52.  #52mary on February 7, 2010 at 4:05 pm

    Well, R launched into the Usual soliloquy when he is distancing himself, and I’ve known it for a week, haven’t I? Talking about him drifting away?

    So I agreed with him. Yes, we’re very different. Yes, he’s pragmatic and I’m artistic (my ideal, by the way – I will find another pragmatic guy). Yes, he’s not as affectionate as I would like him to be. No, I will probably never walk around nude at a public beach, even if that’s what he wants to do. Things like that.

    I didn’t get really upset, except for two things… he asked me why did I hang in there with him? And I told him all the things I loved about him… the way he looks and smells, his personality, his deep insight into people, the fact that we have similar career interests and that he inspires me to be a better person.

    And I asked him why did he hang in there with me? He thought about it for a long time and said, “because I don’t want to deal with being alone.”

    Ouch. I felt humiliated. Shame. Anger.

    And another thing:

    While I was in Thailand, he went on a cruise, and stayed in Ft. Lauderdale for a few nights before and after. Just before our trips, he said, “I’ve made a decision.” And I said what? And he said, “I’m not going to kiss anyone while I’m gone.”


    That surprised me. It means he was looking forward to meeting someone on the trip. Possibly having a little tryst or two. Wow. Not part of my thought patterns. Very new to me.

    And I said, “Well, of course you’re free to kiss as much as you want.” (paving the way for my own circular dating, once my life settles down and I’m home for a while.)

    So last night he said, “You know… I have to admit… keeping that promise to myself was really hard for me.”


    And that’s when I knew that I could never be married to him. Maybe because he didn’t mind telling me that? Or that I’d have to worry about him every time he was out of sight?


    So this morning I emailed him. Agreed with everything he said again. Just reiterated about the kiss or no kiss, or whatever happened, and then I said, “I give up. I want to date other guys now.”

    He was going to come over and help me sell my truck (that was my daughter’s), and I told him I’d sell it later.

    So that’s that.

  53.  #53Katie on February 7, 2010 at 4:06 pm

    You and R have split? – hugs to you. You sound strong and resolute in yourself – and we are here – in support – just lotsa hugs!

  54.  #54Katie on February 7, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    I have to go to bed b/c I am on the other side of the Atlantic and it is getting late. So much seems to happen when here it is night. I always catch up with tea and toast in the morning if I get time before work.

  55.  #55mary on February 7, 2010 at 4:16 pm

    My plan was just to start circular dating and see what happened, but this has spared me from a huge unpleasant scenario, and terribly hurt feelings on his part, and all the angry phone calls in between.

    So I’m thankful for that.

    And J is coming on the 18th! He called twice today and we had nice conversations.

    Lola, I don’t know about the kids. R has talked with so many divorced women over the years, and dealt with their feelings about their kids, and he draws a lot of conclusions and globalizes things. He is simply resistant to any further help of kids who are over 18. And although I’m not a smother mother (I live so far away!), I do try to keep in touch with how things are going in my daughters’ lives, and show up for important events like graduation, births, deaths, etc.

    My daughter is moving. She’s pregnant, and she has a baby who is turning one. She wanted me to come for the birthday party, be there for the move and possibly babysit while I was there so she and her husband could have a weekend away before the new baby comes. I said yes! Which meant that instead of spending 10 days there, I’d be spending 14.

    And that made R feel like things were out of control. That I wasn’t listening to him. He said, “I can’t ever win. You’re gonna do what you’re gonna do.”

    So I guess he wanted me to only spend 10 days away. So I’d have to tell my daughter that either I couldn’t babysit or I couldn’t be there for the FIRST BIRTHDAY PARTY. And why? So I’d get home 4 days earlier?

    I don’t know. Why did that need to be negotiated, anyway? Why did he need to step in there and make a stand?

    Who knows.

    J is my age, has three kids and one two year old granddaughter. He adores her! Talks about her all the time! Babysits for her once a week.

    So that’s really cool. So nice to have those calls from him today!

    And thank you for asking.

    This is a huge breakup for me. Maybe I can break this cycle of addiction.

    I hope so.

  56.  #56Daria on February 7, 2010 at 4:17 pm

    i am the street like gypsy girl feet
    i snak on almonds and i spit the heat
    i cuss i slap i throw it back
    sing song me you cant be like me

    i drop sing rhyme and freak the beat

  57.  #57Lola on February 7, 2010 at 4:18 pm

    Me too Katie!

    Mary that feels really awful that he said “because I don’t want to deal with being alone.”
    Plus the comment about how hard it was to keep his promise – this feels like he is trying to upset you/push your buttons – maybe just my interpretation… but this seems beyond brutal honesty.

    I feel angry about it. XXX

  58.  #58mary on February 7, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    Thanks Tinque!

    Thanks Daria!

    Thanks Katie, Lola, Gina, (today) and all other sirens for so much wading through the mucky waters with me.

    I’m appreciative of this place to continue to share, even when I’m stuck, and my broken record is playing a cadence over and over that isn’t even my favorite… and I can’t stop it from playing… and I’ve worn out my friends and family with it…

    Thank you.

  59.  #59mary on February 7, 2010 at 4:20 pm

    Thanks Rori.

  60.  #60Bridgid on February 7, 2010 at 4:21 pm

    I was driving along listening to Modern Siren.. then I put on some music. There is a CD I have been listening to for days, a compilation of instrumental, piano and ambient sounds. It makes my heart open and I feel love. I could then imagine this man that I have been “investing” in an imaginary relationship, I could imagine him “as if” he was in love with me. Holding my face and telling me he loves me. Combined with the music, it was the best visualization. Driving here in the Sierra foothills, with trees and green it helped the movement along – I was amazed at how I felt with my heart opened up and feeling love, instead of my stomach being in knots and my heart feeling tight and full of anguish. Imaginary or not, our minds are very powerful. How can I attract the love that I want with my stomach being in knots… with an imaginary relationship no less!

    Rori thank you so much for holding the light up to guide us as we journey across the bridge to our happily ever after.

  61.  #61mary on February 7, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    Oh, Lola.

    It hurt me so much to hear that. He says things like that too much. So honest. Like when I gave him the shirts, and asked if he liked them and he said, “Not really.”

    If I’d been on the cruise instead, and found someone that I really liked, and that caused me to rethink my relationship, I don’t think I’d talk about it to that person. That’s just me…

    I’m glad you feel the same way. Sometimes I wonder if I’m overreacting.

    In the eBook “Mr. Unavailable and The Fallback Girl,” it talks about guys who will ratchet down your expectations to a new level that becomes the norm, so you begin to not see the daggers that are thrown your way. I think that has happened to me a bit.

    So it helps so much to hear your reaction!

  62.  #62Lola on February 7, 2010 at 4:49 pm

    Well Mary

    This feels like you are reflecting something back to me – along the lines of what I went through with N.

    Mercedes suggested something very simple when he said things that cut through me. “your words hurt” – simple and to the point. No reaction accept that left him speechless.

    I feel in agreement with you over your children. You are enjoying this lovely stage where they are independent but you are welcome and wanted in their lives – how lovely!

    I’ve gotta go to bed now but back tomorrow after I’ve taken my sick cat to the vet ….feeling soooo worried…


  63.  #63mary on February 7, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    Okay, thanks! Talk to you later…

  64.  #64mary on February 7, 2010 at 5:01 pm


    i should send this to R, but i won’t because it just isn’t appropriate, but the song is perfect for me… i live by the ocean, drive around all the time at night, have been addicted to this guy forever, and i play the piano and have long hair…

    here are the words:

    Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy

    Your fingertips across my skin
    The tall trees swaying in the wind
    You sang me Spanish lullabies
    The sweetest sadness in your eyes
    Clever trick

    Well, I never want to see you unhappy
    I thought you’d want the same for me

    Goodbye, my almost lover
    Goodbye, my hopeless dream
    I’m trying not to think about you
    Can’t you just let me be?
    So long, my luckless romance
    My back is turned on you
    Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
    Almost lovers always do

    We walked along a crowded street
    You took my hand and danced with me
    And when you left, you kissed my lips
    You told me you would never, never forget
    These images


    Well, I’d never want to see you unhappy
    I thought you’d want the same for me

    Goodbye, my almost lover
    Goodbye, my hopeless dream
    I’m trying not to think about you
    Can’t you just let me be?
    So long, my luckless romance
    My back is turned on you
    Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
    Almost lovers always do

    I cannot go to the ocean
    I cannot drive the streets at night
    I cannot wake up in the morning
    Without you on my mind
    So you’re gone and I’m haunted
    And I bet you are just fine

    Did I make it that
    Easy to walk right in and out
    Of my life?

    Goodbye, my almost lover
    Goodbye, my hopeless dream
    I’m trying not to think about you
    Can’t you just let me be?
    So long, my luckless romance
    My back is turned on you
    Should have known you’d bring me heartache
    Almost lovers always do

  65.  #65Daria on February 7, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    ““your words hurt” I feel inspired by that…

    i feel hurt


    your words hurt. i like them but i dont like to hear them.

    i just heard your words hurt and i felt Angry.

    i feel hurt

    i feel bad


    i feel bad

    i feel angry and bad and said

    this feels bad to me
    says daria

    this feels bad

    i like the image that goes with saying your words hurt to a man

    feels very vulnerable and haughty and romantic

    i feel bad hearing your words hurt when im expressing

    i feel angry

    i feel judged

    i feel pushed away

    i feel angry

    i lfeel swept away

    and washed up on a shore far away

    yelling from the shore

    i feel lost
    at sea
    and dehydrated
    from salt water

    and coronas

  66.  #66Daria on February 7, 2010 at 5:31 pm

    AAAH – i have a trigger with the word “accept”

    because it feels to me like “tolerate”

    it feels TERRIBLE!

    like being enslaved

  67.  #67Daria on February 7, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    oh mary that is so sad… i feel sobbing…

    reminds me fo that song Almost Doesnt Count… by brandy… i forgot who i used to cry to that one for (for me) i forgot who i used to cry about


    i feel so sad

    i miss bing loved and feeling like i am adored like i am admired like i am safe like i am the special one

    i feel so sad!!!

    all thses flashes playing in my mind

    i miss my baby!!

  68.  #68mary on February 7, 2010 at 5:38 pm

    i feel like “your words hurt” sounds like blaming. even saying, “i feel hurt” feels like blaming. “i feel angry” feels cleaner to me and more full of clear communication that is not something that can be argued.

    what do you think?

  69.  #69mary on February 7, 2010 at 5:39 pm

    oh, i feel really sad, too.

    really, really sad.

    and a little, tiny bit empowered.

    and maybe relieved?

    somewhere in there?

  70.  #70mary on February 7, 2010 at 5:40 pm

    back later; i’m off to a film with a friend! yay!

  71.  #71Daria on February 7, 2010 at 5:45 pm

    kb==oh heh ad a lot of clever tricks too… like grabbing my waist to move past me… in this careful way


    it hurts
    i donto where it hurts

    is it my heart
    that makes my body sway this way

    my chheck feel tight

    and that is all that hurts

    im rocking

    and its coming tightening from my tummy

    and flwoing up thru my nexck
    stretched long and back
    throwing my head back
    with tears


    i feel so much emotion

    its never felt so easy to feel


    do you promise that it will get better

    that it will heal???

    i cant even havent even healed my bladder infection


    im feeling lean back on the chair i just cried myself like i just swam the ocean

    i feel good and peaceful

    my brain feels dry still – alcohol eats my brain fat

  72.  #72Daria on February 7, 2010 at 5:46 pm


    drinking beer and tequila si good and burns up my water… and then im tweakn for a way to remoisturize

  73.  #73Daria on February 7, 2010 at 5:49 pm

    my tearducts are opening up, the bottleneck in my cheecks is freeing… i embrace crying feeling good!

  74.  #74Debbie on February 7, 2010 at 6:32 pm

    I have been reading your emails and enjoying them, until I read Daria’s, you scare me! See I left my fiancee on Christmas Day, the story is too long and to embarrassing to get into right now! Just know I relocated and had to start all over again and at 40 with two children no income no car it wasn’t easy! But I have done it! So I really appreciate all the support you can give me! I hope to purchase Rori’s book with my first paycheck! I really do feel stronger everyday by just reading your positive emails and not obsessing over him, changing my focus on to me! Before I met him went to karat classes
    yoga, and I worked out all the time. I lost me totally! I look forward to hearing from you all again!

  75.  #75Turtle Girl on February 7, 2010 at 6:55 pm

    Thank you for that link. That is a beautiful song-Almost Lover-described my ex perfectly. Thank you so much.

  76.  #76Bridgid on February 7, 2010 at 8:06 pm

    Mary, that was a beautiful video and song. Thank you for sharing that.

  77.  #77mary on February 7, 2010 at 9:16 pm

    well, i went to the movie. it was about finding a reincarnated version of one of the lamas… and they found the child and took him from his home. there was cello music, and i was embarrassed because i suddenly just started sobbing. i couldn’t stop myself.

    i do not know if i should have made the break yet. what if i’m not ready and i start obsessing again? i told myself not to. i thought that circular dating would do it for me. but J is coming. somehow i felt it not right not to tell R.

    and all that he said just made me cut it off. i think there’s no going back now.


    it feels like death tonight. i honestly don’t know what to do except curl up in a ball and continue to cry. it’s been almost four years with this man. why does he speak to me so? because of his gentleness.

  78.  #78mary on February 7, 2010 at 9:18 pm

    TG, it is a beautiful song, isn’t it. That part about

    “I cannot go to the ocean
    I cannot drive the streets at night”

    just rips my heart out.

  79.  #79mary on February 7, 2010 at 9:18 pm

    daria, i would love to read that eBook. did you receive the money from pay pal? i sent it a few days ago.

  80.  #80gina on February 7, 2010 at 10:12 pm

    I feel all stuck emotionally. I realize that i hold back love like Rori mentions (about the infant) in this post. But I know I’m not the only one…I just watched this Supernanny episode where this woman confesses that she “doesn’t like” her 5 year old daughter: the girl bullies and manipulate her parents cause her parents were sending mixed and incomplete messages – like spanking while hugging. I love the ways that I am challenging myself to climb a spiritual ladder instead of a corporate ladder. I love that I overcame my fear of dancing and that my strange year as a “professional ballroom dance instructor” at franchise studio is serving me well: I am teaching ballroom dance classes once a week (at the apartment complex where i lived when I was teaching dance, which happens to be right around the corner from the studio. And I got this gig off Craigslist by responding to a guy based in California!! I love the opportunity to work intimately with people and challenge myself to move confidently and gracefully. I’m teaching preschool once a week and I love the challenge of remaining compassionate through thick and thin, the opportunity to love on beautiful children, and the opportunity to help them learn through art, puzzles and imaginative cooperative play. I like getting pretty as a hostess, and i love the balance of tough and soft I have to play with as a cocktail waittress. A burst of activity for True Beauty is coming up. I have a chance to work with women in a very difficult business for an hour (I’m getting paid very little money to “motivate” these women who are in the dumps about coping with the race to keep a job that feels bad, but that helps them maintain a certain life stlye. They meet once a month to share knowledge with each other to help each one succeed. But they can’t share info of corrupt dealings happening within their own companies (ie outsourcing of jobs to China), and these problems feel “out of their control.” I realize that I got my dream control – this is exactly what I wanted to do, and I’m doing it. Like the song is suggesting, I can totally be super psyched about life. It just feels like the most daring thing to do – to be as beautiful and happy and loving as possible.

  81.  #81mary on February 7, 2010 at 10:28 pm

    ooooooh, Gina! I’d love to be in a group like those women are! How wonderful for you to help them.

  82.  #82gina on February 7, 2010 at 11:03 pm

    thanks Mary. I’m trying to psyche myself into embracing the opportunity completely. I just had a number of epiphanies:

    that hemp could probably serve to create an alternative to plastic, which, with proper treatment, would dissolve back into the environment. I mean, how stupid is it to keep producing trash that won’t be nutritious for the our earth? I was thinking that I would LOVE to be the wife on a hemp plantation. I’d like to have leaders of all areas of American life visiting our beautiful property, come up with solutions to commercial problems for a market full of savvy, conscious Human Beings. We’d smoke a variety of beautiful fresh marijuana, and drink a little high quality alcohol (absinthe?) and enjoy beautiful meals of organic fresh food. I’d tend to the social calendar (full of opportunities for networking so that building business is a beautiful breeze. I’d love to be spokesperson of the home. (this is what I believe could happen if government stopped interfering).

    And I also realized that my very IDEAL car would be a Ford Model – T. YES! I love this idea.

  83.  #83mary on February 8, 2010 at 12:43 am

    haha Gina! Go for it!

  84.  #84Linda on February 8, 2010 at 4:49 am


    Interesting to me that you decided that my comment about “sorry to be so blunt” was a negative and directed toward you. COuld it be that I thought Soingee was being too sensitive? Just some food for thought. Presumption and our environments, upbringing, etc…are all factors in how we hear and respond to words and situations.

    Interesting how things can spin and land dont cha think?

    Mary… This time in your life and the situation you have with R…is different than the last. The last time you did not have the knowledge that you have gained from here and this community on this blog. All we can do is our authentic best. I believe you did that. R…seems centered on himself. Not you, your needs or a relationship. His comment about… not wanting to be alone being the reason for being with you? That explains it all….it is still all about him.

    I am dealing with the same thing with S I think. Until a mans focus is a relationship with you, honoring us, our needs, wants, his words to us, being a man of integrity, one that we can respect and be proud to be with…then it is all about them.

    I feel empowered. Knowledge is power. Being in touch with our emotions and what we are feeling is empowering too. You are empowered too, dont loose sight of that in the midst of your disappointment and sadness.

    I am dealing with dissapointment but it is not dragging me down. I do not feel negative just weary. My weariness is about to move me to action, to speak my truth. My boy is protecting my girl. It feels really good. It feels saine and under control. I am a patient woman, but even that has its end.


  85.  #85mary on February 8, 2010 at 6:12 am

    Thanks Linda.

    I just posted a profile on Plenty of Fish!

    I’m excited. Today I contact It’s Just Lunch and Four Plus Four.

    Let’s see… next is Facebook. Then I just need to put on my heels and go to Home Depot!

    Anything can happen.

    I might even put an ad in the “strictly platonic” section of Craigslist, inviting someone to walk with me. Who knows…

  86.  #86mary on February 8, 2010 at 6:32 am

    oh! i’m doing it now! and i’ll just be going on a walk with someone soon! how fun.

  87.  #87mary on February 8, 2010 at 7:23 am

    uh oh.

    i already have three guys emailing me. straight up asking for dates. don’t like their looks! they look old and grisly.

    what do i say? do i just go? oooooooooh. where is R? i love R.

    but R is an Unavailable Man because he is so handsome and the women love him.

    and i am moving on to better things.

    but ???????!!?

  88.  #88mary on February 8, 2010 at 7:28 am

    one of them gave me a rose. i guess i just say thank you!

  89.  #89mary on February 8, 2010 at 7:34 am

    oh! and a guy just responded to the CL ad and said he’d like to prepare my hot chocolate!

    i don’t know what to think. this is way too easy.

    and so scary.

  90.  #90mary on February 8, 2010 at 7:36 am

    oh! just got a teddy bear!

    why didn’t you sirens tell me???!? i was wondering how you were getting all those dates and emailing all those guys!

    i’ve been stuck on R…

  91.  #91gina on February 8, 2010 at 7:50 am

    I found this website last night of hilarious videos. there’s one called “memes of memetesia” about the media that shapes our perception, and it has a funny part about Craigslist:

  92.  #92Linda on February 8, 2010 at 8:38 am

    Hey Mary! Glad you are having fun with the POF site. This is where I got my circular dating going. There are 21 notches on my practice belt from POF…LOL This is the sight where I met S too…

    THere is a lot of activity there when you first sign up. Enjoy practing. There are all kinds of fish out there. Bottom feeders, guppies, sunfish, dolphins and sharks. LOL


  93.  #93mary on February 8, 2010 at 9:01 am

    what do you say if you don’t want to go out with them?

  94.  #94Linda on February 8, 2010 at 10:08 am

    All you gotta do is say “no” (smiling at you Mary)


  95.  #95Daria on February 8, 2010 at 12:56 pm

    Mary! I did not see the paypal payment or the e-mail! BUt now I checked and its there!!

    Will send u the book ASAP.

    Linda – wow I feel shocked. I feel confused because reading the wording triggers me to think that way. And yet when you say that maybe it wasnt an attack on me I feel delighted and hopefulll and sooo glad. Then I feel unsure because of the maybe. It feels confusing!

    I feel glad I said something and you said something…

    even though at one time in the past i would have felt mortified like oh no i said something WRONG and i made afool of myself

    I feel glad I can say it openly here ! I do have a little mortification feeling but mostly soaring gladness! right now

    I have a new client on Wednesday! yayy!

  96.  #96Daria on February 8, 2010 at 1:01 pm

    I feel so much closer to Linda! Whoa! I still feel a little wary. hehe… But I feel fresh and open!! This feeling is surprising!

  97.  #97sia on February 8, 2010 at 3:51 pm

    feeling versus emotion

    hi daria
    in Bob Grant’s book Woman Men adore he says feelings (he uses the word differently to Rori) are immediate and strong, and should not be acted upon. Like when you are having a fight and you Feel you are very Right and shout your truth. Emotions are not immediate as feelings, are much calmer and deeper, and dont go away like feelings do. Example is a guilty conscience – few days after fight..

    I just felt yesterday I could tear my colleagues head off, I literally bit my tongue – today nothing is left of it. We will never be friends but at least we will not have another exhausting fight about work like before.

    So as Rori says – when you feel so strongly, fall to the floor – and express later! It is still authentic, but not a rant anymore.

    Rants usually dont get good reactions, because they feel overwhelming, smothering, even without swearwords. So I can not get to know you through most of what you wrote here

    And when someone criticises us -something like: i dont like your cake – well you are not much of a baker yourself!! (immediate response) – that is an old animal reflex of lashing back immediately, because someone invaded the territory – under that reflex the brain might see the truth (constructive criticism), but we need to overcome this first impulse.

    Impulses are not good for us!

    I didnt like lindas sorry to be blunt either – but never mind – maybe she was just tired to put it perfectly. I prefer to think people are just tired or had a bad day to suspecting people of being mean.

    So she, and soignee, act as messengers, like Rori says about guys. If you let your impulses (animal responses like run or fight) pass, then listening to messages is helpful – the language of the messenger needn’t be perfect.

    I actually like more open posts on a forum, although rori says it is boy voice. I miss feedback in such a way as when I was a child – as an adult, nobody is committed to showing us where we go wrong, people rather leave.

    One of my guy friends told me I criticise everything – and I said no way – and then I watched myself and it is true!! Just comments as oh, it is so cold, this pub used to be better etc. I did this forever and nobody told me! I am sure it was tiring for more people than just him..

    So take in linda’s comment, and when you say you scroll over her posts because they are negative – be constructive and tell her why you feel that way – only that way it can be constructive, and only that way she will be able to decide whether there is some truth to it or no.

    hope you don’t feel i am preaching too much. I can see waht you mean by feeling criticised etc, i used to be so sensitive! Too bad they don,t teach self confidence at school…

  98.  #98Lisa on February 8, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    What an amazing post!

    I feel like I hold something in the pocket, just in case it doesn’t work out. Just in case I don’t really have enough to go the distance. What if he’s not the one? Then I’ve wasted so much time and energy.

    But what am I waiting for? As Hillel famously said,

    “If I am not for myself, who will be? And when I am for myself, what am ‘I’? And if not now, when?”

    Living full on doesn’t mean we have to forgo the fantasy, but rather, give our life the benefit of the doubt. What if this is it? What if it isn’t a dress rehearsal? The only sure bet is to love.

    Fr. Kahlil Gibran:

    “For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
    Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
    Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
    So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth”

    I want to be a living plant, not a dead one.

  99.  #99Daria on February 8, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    Sia — Bob Grant! that’s the name of the guy who I mentioned before. About men’s hearts getting slammed shut – and I said dont slam them open too hard when you’re running for the Goddess.

    I liked his book.

    I dont’ like the feelings versus emotions. I feel sad that you don’t hink you can get to know me through my poems that you call rants that use language i chose

    I feel angry!

    I love my poems.

  100.  #100Daria on February 8, 2010 at 4:55 pm

    Yes – the message is a reflection of my fears of the real world not accepting me and stifling me.

    I feel confused… I responded to Soignee and Linda the way I chose to.

    I did not “suspect” I clearly stated how I FELT. I felt not good.

    I feel not good and tightened up in my chest and mouth reading your comment as well.

    I feel patronized and misunderstood and I feel angry and rejecting.

  101.  #101Daria on February 8, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    Sia – I appreciate your sharing and desire to help me ! I feel good at parts and feel warmed.

    and I feel GREATLY TRIGGERED by certain parts of your post

    I am practicing expressing without attacking when I feel EXTREMELY DEFENSIVE.

  102.  #102Daria on February 8, 2010 at 5:00 pm

    I am also practicing to be a rapper and plan on letting myself fully practice my rapping on here…

    I feel so triggered and tightened in my tummy right now and AFRAID to do that

    I INTEND to do it anyway

    It feels scary to embark on something that I feel afraid will be criticized and attacked!


    I feel shakyyyy

    So WHAT to the fear!

    ohhh it feels tightening and overwhelming and it makes it not feel good…

    i wrote more stuff last nite and I dont feel safe putting it on here

    but if not here then where

    I want to feel safe

    Angels please help me

    Thank you

  103.  #103Daria on February 8, 2010 at 5:04 pm

    ON A DIRECTIVE NOTE: you can all practice Riffing – ie the wild free writing and in the body feeling following. It’s a tool Rori taught through a series of posts starting from the older ones in the

    Power and Self Esteem section

  104.  #104Daria on February 8, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    umm i just reread my comments and I LOVE THEM. GOSH I LOVE THEM SO MUCH


    I FEEL LIKE IM ON THE TOP OF A CRAGGY CLIFF< being attacked by waves and theyre beating me back!! aww freakazoids

    I didn't even use that much fuck! haha. am i triggering yall so bad?

    this is how i talk everyday! welcome to Daria world.

  105.  #105Daria on February 8, 2010 at 5:21 pm

    Heres more rapping:

    Im my evil wrath im holy
    Im Kali the destroyer
    bitch bow beside me
    I shine so brite your hate cant hide me

    Ima make yall bitches like rap
    Wolf bitch ova here

    All yall bitches is manic depressive
    just like ME
    and u cant stifle me
    an we told her to stop calling women bitches.
    An then she calls herself one
    oh the horror!

    Here i am bitch cant u c
    aint none yall bitches rawer than me
    sorry to be so blunt
    u can read my blunt words if u bluntly want

    OK — I bet im gonna trigger a lot of people with this one! a lot of rap is defense and bragging… feel free to do your own… its not directed to particular people but rather vents out rage and stuff of my life and touches on bits and pieces of what people may ahve mentioned

    Gosh i feel so uncomfortable. UJGH it feels frustrating to feel afraid to express what I want to say and not know if it will be understood “in context” or what…

  106.  #106dorothea on February 8, 2010 at 5:25 pm

    I want to write a rap. it would feel fun to have a poem post for everyone to get a little creative! i have never written a rap but i think it would feel fun!

  107.  #107mary on February 8, 2010 at 5:29 pm

    hey wolf bitch ova there,

    wow. remember that guy i said called me who was so young? well he called me again last night. it came up anonymous, and it was like 1am, so i answered. afraid it might be a family member, needing me!

    it was that guy. so we talked for a while. he’s a rapper! check out the rap he wrote… it’s his words, and him singing it, but it’s someone else’s picture…

    he says the girl in the picture on the right, named Coco, is his cousin.

  108.  #108mary on February 8, 2010 at 5:33 pm

    could that be someone local here in victoria? i mean, it’s not what i like – i’m not the right generation for rap, but it looks professional – he doesn’t sound canadian – AT ALL – maybe was he just joking with me?

    so weird.

  109.  #109sia on February 8, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    hi daria,
    sorry you feel angry. I feel a bit frustrated I wasn’ t able to express myself so that it doesn’t trigger you.

    If you want, translate a bit of my post into a language which would feel good to you to receive – that would be really interesting!

    Not everyone can understand you, or me, so if you feel triggered, I will let it go and will not say what I feel reading your posts anymore.

    Where did you write about Bob Grant? I would like to read what you said about him.

  110.  #110dorothea on February 8, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    gangstas rule canada LOL!!!! are there gangstas in canada? oh i’m an ignorant american.

  111.  #111Daria on February 8, 2010 at 5:38 pm

    Sia – no problem girl! feel free to trigger me hehehe!!

    i feel glad we’re interacting

    all i did is mention him in a side note saying what i said above too about the heart doors…

  112.  #112Daria on February 8, 2010 at 5:39 pm

    Dorothea – Drake (You’re the fuckin best… etc… I just wanna be Successful) is from Canada. I don’t know about gangstas.

  113.  #113Daria on February 8, 2010 at 5:40 pm

    Mary I feel delighted at you calling me wolf bitch and Circular phoning with a rapper. If by picture on the right you mean the girl in the background, wow I feel great looking at her she’s beautiful.

  114.  #114Daria on February 8, 2010 at 5:45 pm

    well the girl in the background “lola love” looks a lot like the girl from “the friday after next” movie, who i think is also named lola… i think its her.

    I’d feel surprised if that was his cousin… or maybe you meant one of his top friends.. i feel a lil lost

  115.  #115Daria on February 8, 2010 at 5:48 pm

    Ok found the coco girl in teh friends section…

    i’ve seen her page before too I think… wow she has a big butt

    it would feel fun to have my butt get big like that too


  116.  #116Daria on February 8, 2010 at 5:50 pm

    I just received and said yes to an offer to take some professional modeling pictures!


    i feel excited! remember how i wrote i want to be a model


  117.  #117Lisa on February 8, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    p.s. Rori:

    A bit of serendipity: I teased with a couple of young guys at a store yesterday about the music being played (some 50’s stuff). I was kind of appreciating the quiet, but I could see them stifling disapproval, so I said, “You guys probably like headbanger stuff…” to which they laughed (and I realized I’d dated myself as they’ve moved beyond that).

    But the one said, ‘No, actually — I like Dave Matthews stuff!” — out of the 1,000’s of bands he could’ve chosen.

    And here it is.

  118.  #118Lisa on February 8, 2010 at 8:21 pm


    I wish to tell you that I am in agreement with you regarding the harsh nature of Daria’s words. They often hurt my soul, and so I skip over them. It is like changing the channels.

    I am sorry to say it, Daria, because there is much of worth which I have read in your thoughts in the past. But it is just too harsh for me.

    Soignee, sadly, we have become a rough culture, and Daria is young, and among many of our young people this “rap” is accepted, and even admired. Certainly, there are people making a lot of money off of marketing it. But not from me.

    My feelings are delicate, and reading harsh words and harsh thoughts disturbs my energy. While I like her freedom with riffing, the content doesn’t speak to me, either.

    I take good from everything, including learning my boundaries, and rejecting what feels bad to me. That means I may lose something of value in Daria’s comments, but I will not subject myself to their harshness.

  119.  #119Daria on February 8, 2010 at 8:33 pm

    I love being Rough. I feel triggered ! I actually feel free and beautiful.

    It “hurts my soul” to be rejected ! UGH i feel so mad.


    I DO NOT FEEL GOOD being told in “nice” ways that I should shut up, do things differently, that you don’t want to hear me express myself freely.

    That is not NICE. Bullshit covered up with sugar tastes like bullshit.

    HARSH enough?


    RORI! can you please say something here! whats going on?

    ps — i seem to be losing control of the don’t attack rule. I feel sooo on the defense and incredibly triggered by “sadly we have become a rough culture?”

    excuse ME?

    I feel absolutely OUTRAGED. I feel defiant. I will not conform to other people’s decisions of how I should be, how I should look, how I should dress, how I should speak!!







  120.  #120Daria on February 8, 2010 at 8:46 pm

    What if I were to say:

    “I do not like people named Lisa and Soignee … oh woe… what is our society come to, naming people Lisa.. it feels like being kicked ohhh… won’t you please not be named Lisa anymore?

    I hate to say it but it seems so many people have caught this naming themselves Lisa trend, and its even Admired…

    gosh… but not by Me!

    That would feel NOT GOOD! what do you think?

  121.  #121sia on February 8, 2010 at 8:54 pm

    this doesn’t lead anywhere! it is circular debate:)
    give us an example of how you would like to be addressed (with criticism of your vocabulary) without becoming outraged! so far everything outraged you

  122.  #122Daria on February 8, 2010 at 8:56 pm

    Sia –

    I do not want criticism of my vocabulary, me, or anything I adore.

    Thank you!

  123.  #123Daria on February 8, 2010 at 9:26 pm

    Sia –

    oops i posted this on the other thread. maybe its well.

    I would like to be addressed in general, not with intent to criticize, with feeling messages:

    so far the only feeling message heard about this was Soignee’s intial “i feel uncomfortable” the rest has only been thoughts, or the word feel put over thoughts… or “i feel offended, i feel abused” which are kind of like being HURt, that is someone has to offend you or abuse you,

    so although they are feelings that doesnt mean you Are abused etc.

    so all I hear is Soignee feels uncomfortable, it triggered for her a scene at a train in Milan

    i would feel happy for Soignee to look to HerSelf and heal that trigger

    Lisa’s message contained no feeling messages.

    Linda’s message contained no feeling messages.

    Your message contained no feeling messages except that you felt like biting your colleagues head off, which sounds cool!

  124.  #124dorothea on February 8, 2010 at 9:38 pm

    Drake is indeed from Canada. He got his start as Jimmy on Degrassi when he was 13 or 14. Heheheh that doesn’t feel very gangster!!

  125.  #125sia on February 8, 2010 at 9:57 pm

    i laughed at your careful criticism of a society which allows name Lisa

    I have trouble with feeling messages, I admit.. I feel hurt sounds very right when a guy is acting hurtful, but yes, I wouldn’ t like it to hear from him (or offended).

    But I feel disrespected – that is ok to say to a guy you think? Even if it implies somebody did the disrespecting? Like, I feel disrespected when I have to wait for someone who is late?

    Trouble with feeling messages – in my language I can’t start a sentence with saying I feel all the time, I would sound like a drama queen. I could say this feels to me (or, it sounds closer to this seems to me)

    Don’t know how to translate feeling messages across cultures..

    we can’t heal all our triggers! Then we wouldn’t be able to have any boundaries! Maybe doormats don’t have any, or probably they just don’t pay attention to them.

  126.  #126sia on February 8, 2010 at 10:03 pm

    that was mainly response to daria

  127.  #127Daria on February 9, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    Sia – I wouldn’t say disrespected is Ideal… certainly its better than stuffing feelings… but the real feeling behind disrespected for me is usually anger… i feel angry

    oh yes Sia, I understand. I, in English, didn’t want to start sentences with I feel because I would sound like a Drama queen. The thing is, once you really get used to it, you don’t feel like a drama queen or sound like one.

    I use them in my own language , and my parents when they feel upset have said, we dont say I feel angry, we say i Am angry. Well guess what… I Daria Feel angry… hehehe… and i choose to speak this way

    We CAN heal all our triggers! hehe thats not related to boundaries, Doormats have tons of triggers but they DONT look at them and heal them

  128.  #128Daria on February 9, 2010 at 2:30 pm

    Hehe you’re right as a Doormat I didn’t pay attention to my triggers, or I just assumed that I didn’t deserve to…

    I feel so relieved and refreshed to talk to you without feeling attacked… yay


  129.  #129Simply Shannon on February 9, 2010 at 8:00 pm

    I’ve not been able to keep up as much lately as I would like. I love this post. I love the idea of removing this fairy tale love image/mold that my mind has created. I want a new mold, one that’s flexible and bendable based on the man. The only “fixed” parts are my boundaries, my don’t wants. I LOVE that idea. I’m in the process of creating this new mold right now. It’s happening RIGHT NOW and it feels so good and scary all at the same time.

    Daria: Just wanted to say briefly that I love your voice. Sometimes you trigger me but it feels good to be triggered and figure out how I might respond. It feels so amazing to me to read the difference between a feminine voice (I feel) and a masculine voice (you blah, blah, blah). I would feel horribly disappointed if you changed your beautiful feminine voice. Fuck and all! 😉

    All: When I read posts in boy voice (i.e. each person not writing about how they FEEL about what was said), I feel judged and judgmental of the comments. Yes, it feels powerful to argue a point and slam someone when I’m triggered because that’s what I’d been doing up until I found Rori. It’s what I knew so it felt comfortable. But I’m beginning to see that didn’t honor Rori or her tools and all of the wonderful individual voices here on the blog. Rori is teaching us how to respond in the real world to real men by practicing with each other here on the blog. So I say something that triggers someone and vice versa and we practice on responding in ways that follow Rori’s rules.

    Something I’ve been doing recently is to imagine each thing that triggers me is written by a man in my rotation, a favorite Circular Dating guy, boyfriend, husband, etc.

    Then I try to figure out how I would respond to that man’s comments, using Rori’s rules, as if he was standing right in front of me.

  130.  #130Daria on February 9, 2010 at 10:38 pm

    Shannon Thank you!

    Thank you thank you!

    love you!

  131.  #131Daria on February 9, 2010 at 11:02 pm

    Here’s what I wrote to myself yesterday:

    Read every Bitch as Goddess, read every Fuck as I Feel Intense. It’s time to take back the Words Goddesses. They don’t have to hurt anymore.

  132.  #132Rori Raye on February 9, 2010 at 11:31 pm

    Cathy, Welcome, and I’m so glad you are away from this toxic man. Now comes the work of learning how to be with a man who is kind, good, and loves you. Love, Rori

  133.  #133Rori Raye on February 9, 2010 at 11:43 pm

    Brava, Debbie, at taking such amazing good care of yourself under such challenging circumstances. If you could do that – you could do anything. You’ll get yourself back. One step at a time. Love, Rori

  134.  #134Rori Raye on February 9, 2010 at 11:43 pm

    Bridgid, Welcome, and thank you for your comment. Love, Rori

  135.  #135Tina on February 9, 2010 at 11:44 pm

    Daria, for some reason I can really “get” what your saying lol. Comment # 55 is really cool. I love your gypsy girl feet too 🙂

  136.  #136Daria on February 9, 2010 at 11:51 pm

    Tina – you’re “in” 😉

  137.  #137Daria on February 10, 2010 at 12:02 am

    Debbie wow thats really awesome that you did it!

    I feel kinda honored and cool that I scare you, and also a little sad.

    Uf this is starting to be a lot like real life hehe.

    Rori can you comment to me about this? is this response to my comments due to my way of thinking about myself projected back to me?

    Like when that one guy started calling me a slut and you told me am i calling myself that?

  138.  #138Tina on February 10, 2010 at 2:22 am

    I feel triggered, I feel passive aggression coming on, grrrr. I want to ooooooooooooooooo do something grrrrrrrrrrrrr. I want to say something , I want to shut up! I want to say bad words, ffff rhyms with pluck ryhms with tooooooo , pluck toooo lol that doesnt make sense you ass! shut the FFFFFFFFFFFFFFF up I cant stop, I feel my chest pounding, I feel turned off. whew! I feel fiery passion NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY! oh dang I just dropped an F bomb. I DONT want to be in control of the F bomb push button, I’ll just keep pushing it, I’ll play with it, oh look another fuck bomb shit see what I mean?. I feel triggered, waaaaa I am in control of the damn F bomb, ok, push it again 🙂 This reminds me of a fight a girly bitch fight, not just a bitch fight but with a friend really close to me, this triggers my feelings of being ganged up on. No one comes to my defense! I have to fight these bitches off one by one! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Dont make me bring my sister cause she’ll kick your ass! You touch my little sister and me and my big sister will come and kick your ass! You big fucken pussy! yeah call the cops! what did they say to you ? yeah they said if WE can get you ou t of your driveway, they will just keep driving by while we kick the shit out of you, oh your a big man now hiding behind your momma, yeah we’ll kick her ass too. BE A BIG FUCKEN MAN NOW AND GET YOUR PUSSY ASS OUT HERE SO WE CAN KICK IT! YEAH THOUGHT SO haha!

  139.  #139Tina on February 10, 2010 at 2:43 am


    ok Im ok now, there will be peace after all, I’m checking out this new foundation, I got as a sample at the drug store , mous matte something hehe, goes on smooth, I might buy it.

  140.  #140Tina on February 10, 2010 at 2:51 am

    I’m listening to a romantic song kinda? called “stay with me, tell me what you need” he’s singing about the “miles between your hands and mine” “you smile at me, your never going to let it show” he says “stay with me, I’ll hold you tight” tell me what you need” awe! it’s bluesy.

  141.  #141Mercedes on February 10, 2010 at 7:11 am

    I like the comments here. “Your words hurt”. Because sometimes, with my personality, I look a man right in the eye and make a direct statement and then stop talking to see how he responds. I don’t soften it with “I feel” at all and I certainly don’t ask him what he thinks. That’s not all the time, but sometimes…it is who I am and it makes a very clear and direct point to someone who is trying to be hurtful. Its not just men. I do it to women too if I feel the time is right for directness.

    I’m interested in the comments about how Daria is expressing herself here too. I know how it feels to be told to speak in a certain way even when I don’t want to. I know what it’s like to rebel against that. I see it happening here and I am intrigued by it.

    So….with very, very little time to do anything at all…I am posting and plan to keep reading these comments via my phone as time permits.

    Much Love,

  142.  #142marya on February 10, 2010 at 7:38 am

    Hello dear
    what do you think is right`?
    I have left with a man in girlfriend,boyfreind life in 7 years.He says he does not wan to marry.He says he loves me,comes home each night and his freinds says he loves me so much.
    However he is a man of woman liking.He has many women friends.Have had active sex life before and sometimes very suddenly he mets many times his exes in the swimminghall or maches,or send email and sms to them and is not afraid of asking them how they have it sexualy,…
    He tells me because i react so strong he hide it from me but i have seen many of his emails without his permition and suprised over how open and playfull he is with these women.
    Now,i know he is going to meet one of them regulary in the swimingshall.Do you think it is best i show myself accidently there to show it clear i know about that?And what can i do after that?He just deny everything and says he did not know she would be there.
    Or the other,just let it go.Let them meet each other and trust him as a grown man he would find of his feelings.But at the same time continue telling him that i am not happy of being girlfriend andi want to have more commited relationship)stay on my bridge.And be ready to go away if he after 7 years do not want to do anything.
    What can i do?

  143.  #143Mercedes on February 10, 2010 at 7:53 am

    Marya: I speak in masculine voice a lot, so please ignore if you weren’t looking for advice from me…I tend to just jump right in when I have free time and I seem to be making this a priority this morning.

    When you ask: “Do you think it is best i show myself accidently there to show it clear i know about that?”

    My answer is no…I don’t think you should. This is playing games and will only humiliate you.

    And when you ask: “Let them meet each other and trust him as a grown man he would find of his feelings.But at the same time continue telling him that i am not happy of being girlfriend andi want to have more commited relationship)stay on my bridge.”

    My answer is no…you can tell a man and tell a man and tell a man that you are not happy being a girlfriend, but if you show him with actions that you are fine being a girlfriend (because no matter how unhappy you say you are, you’re still there being a girlfriend) then he won’t believe you are really not happy.

    And when you ask: “And be ready to go away if he after 7 years do not want to do anything.”

    My answer is YES! Walk away. Find happiness with a man who wants to give you that happiness. This man you are with gets to have his cake and eat it too because you tell him what you don’t want, but since you have no boundaries to back it up, he continues to hurt you and to lie and to use you. And because you put up with it, he keeps doing it. Yes…walk away…it’s been 7 years. If he wanted you for a wife, you would already be his wife.

    My heart hurts for you dear. You are in a very, very difficult place and I would love to see your self-esteem grow and your boundaries solidify. I would love that very much…but it won’t happen until this man is totally and completely out of your life. If I were you, I would start the process of rebuilding myself…and that would start with ending this relationship.

    Much Love,

  144.  #144marya on February 10, 2010 at 8:12 am

    Dear Mercedes
    Do you think the idea of that mayb he has problem with being intim ,that he makes something like that,it is creasy idea i make for myself.He is kind,come home early make food for me,kys me,… but he goes out and meet these other women,not sex but sex talk and make fun

  145.  #145Mercedes on February 10, 2010 at 8:25 am

    Marya: No…I don’t think his problem is with intimacy. I think his problem is that he enjoys using you. He knows he can do whatever he wants and you’ll still be there. I realize he’s “kind” and he “comes home early and makes food”, but he is using you, he is a player and he is hurting you. You’ve told him it hurts. If he loved you, he would immediately stop doing anything that hurts you. Instead, he lies about it.

    No…this isn’t about his fears. This is about a man hurting a woman. If my boyfried was having “not sex” but “sex talk” with other women, he would never hear from me again. If he wants to have sex talk, I’m right here. If he wants to have sex talk with someone else…then he’s not enough for me and I’m going to go out there and find someone who is enough for me.

    As I said before: It’s been 7 years. If you were ever going to be his wife, you would be by now. My advice is to let him sow those wild oats of his but while he does that, you should be out there looking for your new husband. Because that husband is NOT the man you are with right now.

    Much Love,

  146.  #146Simply Shannon on February 10, 2010 at 8:38 am

    Marya: All that matters is how YOU feel about what he’s doing. If I was with a man who wanted to have sex talk with another woman, I would feel bad. I don’t want to be with a man who doesn’t want to be with me exclusively, like I’m not enough for him. I don’t want to waste my time with someone who is “good” to me on the one hand and “bad” to me on the other hand. I want a man who is with me, for me and all about me all the time. I feel okay about a man having women friends but I want to be friends with that woman as well. I would feel suspicious of any relationship with a woman where things said or done between them could not be said or done right in front of me. I don’t want to feel suspicious or bad. If I’m feeling that way, I might want to open my options and start dating other men. This one may not be right for me. If I’m sitting there allowing all of these things to be done, just like Mercedes said, I’m giving that man permission to continue doing them. And that’s fine if that is what the man wants to do, but I won’t be sticking around to be a part of it.

    This is about changing ME and setting clear boundaries. Do I want a man who comes home early and cooks for me? Sure. Do I want a man who talks intimately to other women? NO. Which means if a man comes home early, cooks for me AND talks intimately with other women, then he is NOT the man for me. It would feel much easier if we could slice and dice a person to keep the parts we want and get rid of the parts we don’t, but we can’t do that. We get the whole person. So is this man, the whole man, the one you want? Are you willing to take him as the man he is right now in front of you?

    When a man continuely ignores my feelings, then I need to consider that this man does not care about me or my feelings, even if he uses the words “I love you”. Actions speak louder than words.

  147.  #147Simply Shannon on February 10, 2010 at 8:38 am

    Mercedes: SOOOO HAPPY to see your voice again!! I’ve missed you!!!!!!

  148.  #148Mercedes on February 10, 2010 at 8:51 am

    SS: Thank you so much! I’ve missed being here!! I’m not fully back….just too much going on and right now I can’t post on my own blog but….hopefully I’ll be back soon.

    For now, I’m enjoying my morning by speaking my mind on RR’s blog! 🙂

    By noon I will probably regret having taken this little break but….

    We’ll worry about that at noon!

    Much Love,

  149.  #149Soignée on February 10, 2010 at 8:52 am

    Dear Daria, dear Mary, dear girls,

    first of all Daria,

    sorry I could not answer before. I just wanted to say you that I very very much appreciate your creative attitude, your posts, your experience and I feel you are very very talented, with artistic sense. I always admired a lot of your comments, because I feel the same.

    But as for shocking words, (Mary it is ok when my opinion is not appreciated.)

    In my opinion, in my education, in my experience these shocking words are useless. And they bring negativity, aggressive words they can offend people reading the text.

    Example with men: ok, I can feel terrybly angry, but I can tell him”I feel terribly angry” but I will never say him”You a..h..le”. Because AGGRESSIVITY GENERATES MORE AGGRESSIVITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I do not want to scroll over the posts of Daria. Because I respect the posts of her, yes, Daria, I do not want to pass through your comments, because I feel I can receive the message and many times valueble thoughts and feelings which can move something inside me.

    But these shocking F… words, they are -I repeate in my environment, in my education, in my experience- THEY ARE TRASH, useless trash!!!

    Why on other sites, the abusive words can be removed, you are asked to pay attention to some politically correct expressions, words etc.

    I appreciate the honesty, the true feelings, but please do know that we can transform this site in
    a trash!!!!1 Do you want it?
    Ok, the negative sites exist everywhere, but I, myself, do not want to add ugliness to the world when I know I can avoid it and hurt someone feelings.

    It is up to everyone to be honest, true and first of all to yourself, It is the greatest thing forever. But
    there is respect for other people around us.

    I personally will always try to express my opinion. But I will try to respect people I communicate with.

    And I do not want to add negativity when i can.

    It is my point of view, but it can be very very different from others.

  150.  #150Daria on February 10, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Soignee – thank you for not wanting to scroll over my posts.

    If in YOUR education, YOUR experience, these words are TRASH,

    then I say, it’s time to REEducate, and REExperience.

    You see people speak many different ways, and one way to push groups of people away is by educating that ways of talking and living that OTHER people have is TRASH.

    Yes I know this “education” is done the world over.

    Have you seen racism? You live in France… do you have Gypsy people there?

    Where I live, here, this is the way I speak to my closest friends. YES I FEEL JUDGED speaking that way in public. YES i know other “languages” and ways of speaking. Some people don’t know some languages and thus they feel inadequate, they can’t “get a job” or “integrate” with other groups of people.

    I see the LIGHT in everyone.

    I see BEAUTY in these words. I see the former pain, I feel it, and it dissolves to beauty.

    I felt shocked when I first started hearing the words too… I first felt judging, and then opening up my judgement melted, into FUN. It’s FUN to use these words.

    Its’ taking back their power, for ME. I OWN THEM NOW.

    I will say again…

    read every BITCH as Goddess (I brought this word here too).

    read every FUCK as “I feel so intense”



    Do you see that they hurt because of past experiences (triggers) ? and not because I’m using them in a hurting way?

    I am using these words in a BEAUTIFUL WAY. I RECLAIM THEM.

    there is beauty and power there.

    Do you ever see the barefoot gypsy girl with the baby asking for money or selling a newspaper. And how so many people are “educated” to call her Trash?

    She is a Goddess just like us.

  151.  #151Soignée on February 10, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    Dear Daria,

    I can understand your point of view.
    But for me, I do not want to use these strong words. As for me, I will use the neutral or commonly nice words to speak. In my experience, the shocking words have negative sense and experience. And I do not want to use them by myself.
    I will use a soft language and the softer I get (when I do not have to defend me or someone else), the better I will be.

    Did you see the movie “My fair lady” with Audrey Hepburn?

    There is such a nice example there how to transform a good girl , but with bad manners into a goddess the queen admires.

    She remains the same person. But she transforms herself into a real goddess and has a better life.
    Only by changing the using of the words.

    I see beauty also in a nice language.

    I am a tolerating person and do not want to start a talk about racism, but I am proud of something concrete I did for different people and I do not want to put it in public because this is very intimate.So I do not judge people.

    Yes, I understand your point of view. But I do not want to have these words for me. I do not accept them.

    I see beauty in commonly beautiful words.
    And I will re-educate and give respect to , let’s say, a gipsy girl, talking to her with respect with commonly respectful words. Maybe she will hear the first time in her life the word “Lady or Miss”.
    I will show a nice example respecting people with soft language.

    So it is my opinion. And it is not necessary someone else to accept it. It is personal.

  152.  #152Simply Shannon on February 10, 2010 at 12:29 pm

    Daria: Wow. Just wow. I feel so inspired by your post!! Do you feel the shift in what you just said? That majorly shifted for me. I felt all triggered by hearing the word “trash” and here you are making beauty out of trash and not making it a fight or being defensive. You own your feelings and no one can make you feel bad for feeling them. I LOVE what you just wrote. It feels REAL and POWERFUL and TRUE.

  153.  #153Daria on February 10, 2010 at 12:36 pm

    Thank you Shannon. I did feel a shift and freedom.

    Soignee I feel sad. I am not looking over to be made over into a “lady”

    I am a GODDESS!. I accept all parts of me. I feel unaccepted and defensive and triggered.

    THIS work we’re doing is not about being soft like a doormat, and making ourselves over into what other people consider nice

    THIS work we are doing is about being a GODDESS and freeing and accepting all parts of us, like with the Stranger Exercise in Toxic Men or with the So What to the fear exercise

    I AM SOFT. I Am a GODDESS. And believe me I am a LADY. I feeel ooohh tingly mouth tingly. Hehe I feel like punching you!

    ok im off to my bellydance class

    ohhh I feel so mad!

  154.  #154Soignée on February 10, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    Yes, you are right. Your experience is your experience.

    I will explain my truth that THE PEOPLE understand me as more as possible. Like in an example: if you want to catch fish, you do not bring the strawberries YOU like, to catch them you bring them not what you do not like – worms.

    It is the same with communication.

    It is my opinion: I will explain my truth but in the better way the other people understand me. It is not a doormaty way: a doormaty way is when you accept
    the bad treatment. I do not want to accept something bad to me. But I will explain my truth in a soft language the other to understand me.

    And back to the example of the gipsy girl.An example.
    I personally feel and am nearly sure that if this gipsy girl tries to live in a warm house, and not to go and stay outside of cold, if she has some more comfortable, she won’t see the beauty of her street life.
    It can be very romantic to see but not to live like she does. She in 99 % would be glad to have the better situation instead of the life she has.What I wish her.

    That’s why in my opinion, I can not see the beauty in trash in any form. Sorry.

    But it is my opinion.

  155.  #155Soignée on February 10, 2010 at 12:53 pm

    And sorry Daria,
    maybe it is a better example, but I do not want these shocking words because I feel them intoxicating. Like Rori tells about the men which are not good for us “toxic men”. These shocking words are for me “toxic words”.

    And for me goddess picture is a woman with grace and beauty. Also with her expression.

    So, I do not want to continue this discussion anymore.

    We have the freedom to be ourselves..

    I do not want to tell you what to do. It is your choice and your freedom. And I am not entitled to judge anyone.

    I expressed my opinion and I DO NOT ACCEPT

  156.  #156Soignée on February 10, 2010 at 1:04 pm


    And the very last thing about this discussion.
    Let’s give an example of something global. Ok, global, something big.

    The beauty in common sense , which gives an emotion of some positive feeling and which can be understandable by anyone, by the people all over the world, remains universal.
    The beauty gives the warm emotion, something of grace.
    The confirmation – I repeat, in global sense – is all over the ages: David by Michelangelo is understood by anyone over the centuries.
    And I have never heard about the beautiful trash which gives the same effect.

    I will be always attracted of kindness, love, grace.
    In every shape and form.


  157.  #157D2 on February 10, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    Rori…I totally get putting your man in your fantasy. My man was the leading character of most of my fantasies. I had elaborate scenarios with him desiring and then ravishing me. However, a while back, he was rejecting me because of porn. I would initiate (I know I wasn’t supposed to row that boat but it would just sit and drift and drift for weeks if I didn’t try and then it was very one sided…no opportunties to melt for myself) and I would be rejected (sexually) on a repeated basis. Mind you that he was willing to cuddle/hold hands/hugs but there was no sex…no lust…thus I now have this mental block that because he doesn’t desire me in real life that he doesn’t desire me in my fantasies. I had to come up with whole new ones picturing men that were not him. Because if I did that nasty voice would start laughing saying he doesn’t desire you in real life so why in my fantasies. I been trying with the tips from Modern Siren and Reconnect Your Relationship but they haven’t been working too well. The only way is that I picture the other man and he’s watching in the background. Any tips or suggestions on how to get past this block I now seem to have to picture him again as “the man of my dreams/fantasies” and get him from watching in the wings to being the man desiring me?

  158.  #158Daria on February 10, 2010 at 2:29 pm

    Soignee –

    I thought David by Michelangelo was OBSCENE when I first saw it.

    His PENIS is showing. Then I opened up later…

    PS – I feel really annoyed by hearing Sorry. I do not want to have you apologize for what you say.

    Even if I feel very angry and TOTALLY DISAGREE with you.

    about the things YOU are attracted to being the ones universally attractive.

    about Michaelangelo’s David.

    And I feel fearful to read comments from you now.

    I FEEL TIRED AND ANGRY of being attacked.

    I’m feeling very very sad and unheard, and tightened up in my thigh. I feel FURIOUS.

    I do not want to feel attacked. I do not want to feel defensive.

    I feel like a charged up bull…

    GODDAMIT I feel like shaking the world… ARRGGGH

  159.  #159Daria on February 10, 2010 at 2:32 pm

    D2 – I feel very interested in what Rori says to you.

    When you say that you have been trying Modern Siren and Reconnect your Relationship what tools have you been using and how have they been working (or not)?

    I THINK that you still have a lot of anger and feeling awful with your man. It seems like speakign to him in feeling messages may allow you both to open that up and release those feelings that are keeping you stuck…

  160.  #160sia on February 10, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    Hi daria,
    was reading your clarifications about feeling messages elsewhere, still confused..

    You said about soignees post: I feel attacked.

    To me that feels exactly the same as saying: you attacked me!

    Worse – like pussyfooting around instead of coming clean.
    If someone said to me: I feel attacked – maybe for a moment I would be paused in my reaction – and then i would say – well I just expressed an opposite opinion, I did’t attack you.

    The first person could then say oh nononono, I didn’t say you attacked me, I said I feel attacked!

    Which would feel to me as a manipulation…

    totally confused about this..

    Also because we are supposed to use feeling messages to relate better to men (and others).
    I can feel this is happening for you on other posts.

    I can’t feel it happening for you in these discussions about swearing..

  161.  #161Daria on February 10, 2010 at 5:33 pm

    Sia – hmm lets ask Rori about this… what do you think?

  162.  #162sia on February 10, 2010 at 6:24 pm

    That would be great!

    Problem is she must have lots and lots to do, clients and stuff, and this blog seems quite a job to me too..

    I also reacted before to a woman who said to me: I feel weird about this (because she had to find my house on her own, she got lost but i couldn’t come to bus stop) ‘I did everything I could, so don’t know what to say to this’.

    Her feeling message didn’t soften me up at all – I was feeling blamed anyway.

    I think Rori would say it is all in the intention – people can sense the vibe – what do you think?

    But then no feeling messages would be necessary, just the vibe, OH my head is going around

    How do you ask Rori something specific?
    Didn’t you ask her already to act as a moderator in the Lisa thread? This could fall under that heading too

  163.  #163Daria on February 10, 2010 at 6:30 pm

    Rori —

    I feel a lil bit unworthy to ask you here because I know you are busy and helping new people and helping people who are contacting you personally and have helped me too.

    And I DO want some guidance here! with this whole thing where i’ve been feeling attacked

    Help Rori!

  164.  #164Jen on February 11, 2010 at 7:32 am

    This post really spoke to me on the day I first read it. I’m beginning pre-marriage counseling, and I’m unhappy with the book the pastor selected. “Saving your marriage Before It Starts.”

    Rori – What are your thoughts on this book?

    Reading through it, I felt down. The thought process in the book seems very contradictory of my thought process (your thought process) for working through marriage. It presents things as potential problems, “get used to its” and such. I see those types of things as an opportunity for me to grow my ability to communicate, get close with my fiance, and strengthen our relationship. To generally increase my happiness and well-being.

    The book also seems to focus on the other person, and I only believe on focusing on my feelings and letting my fiance take care of me.

    I cannot speak well enough of how your tools and encouragement have created the most real and solid relationship I’ve ever had, primarily because that relationship is, now, first with myself:) I feel so confident and relaxed that no matter what happens, I’ll have a fabulous, healthy, happy life. I can take care of me, and through my inner strength, I can let others take care of me completely, too:)

    I don’t feel needing of pre-marriage counseling, and going through the book, it feels as though we’ve already covered all the items and much much more. It feels like we’re back tracking to the beginning of the relationship. The books seems like a “toxic partner” check and self-confidence check. Done and done…a long long time ago:)

    What do you suggest?

    Thank you and love to all:)

  165.  #165D2 on February 11, 2010 at 11:37 am

    Daria – He is not rejecting me now…of course, I am leaning back and not initiating so there’s not a possibility that he’ll reject me…scared to say something to him because it’s what was in the past not the present. Doesn’t Rori say…what is past is in the past. We’re supposed to let it go…right?

    For a while, I was even having dreams of him rejecting me in my sleep – so it wasn’t much fun waking up next to him. I had to go into the other bedroom and do the “fall to your knees” and try to not stuff the anger.

    If he distanced himself again (because of porn), I would have a feeling talk with him. But he hasn’t been rejecting me sexually lately. So…that just leaves me being stuck and having that Nasty voice mouthing off when I do try to imagine him desiring me. The only way I can have him in the fantasy picture is he’s in the background and the other men (who do desire me) won’t let him near me.

    Tinque says I’m brave for not closing my heart to him but I’m really struggling on not getting turned off. It’s funny because at one point when things were really bad I told him that one day I would quit begging for it. I did and then now have had to struggle with my self release scenarios (rewritting them in my mind) because they all revolved around him. It was quite frustrating…no passion/release with him…no passion/release with myself. Now, imagining other men I’m able to self release but can’t seem to want to go back to imagining he desires me when it took me soooo long to stop imagining it.

    Does this make sense? How do I separate the past rejection from rearing up and turning me off?

  166.  #166Daria on February 11, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    D2 –

    Again I think you have a lot of anger that hasnt been expressed yet. – This could be past stuff not necessarily in the moment – I don’t think you CAN separate the past rejection ! You still feel angry about it! I would want to FEEL that anger and vent and express it and love it and see what I feel as its shifting

    Something I would try is working with an EFT practitioner or a hypnotherapist — I know Rori recommends Virginia Feigngold Clarke

    And I would take time to myself like you have been doing to fall to my knees and keep loving myself.

  167.  #167Rori Raye on February 11, 2010 at 4:04 pm

    Jen, Welcome, and I’m not familiar with the book and likely won’t read it…it seems to me your own instincts are fabulous, and you’re doing so beautifully…just want to send you love and happiness, and please keep posting here…we’d love to follow you as you go along…Love, Rori

  168.  #168Chrissy on February 11, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    Hi Rori
    I realise this is not the right place to ask this question but my attempts to create a login on the support page kept failing and live chat is not an option due to me being in Australia. I have recently bought your Commitment Blueprint program on CD and was hoping to ask you for a description of the physical ballet positions (if there is a physical position). Is there an email address I can use for such a question please?
    Many thanks, Chrissy

  169.  #169Mary Eileen on February 20, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    Rori Raye….your writing, your insight, your spirit are so amazing to me! I love reading what you have to say!!! The power of the written word has always amazed me, but especially this piece!

  170.  #170Rori Raye on February 21, 2010 at 10:06 am

    Mary Eileen, Welcome, and thank you so much…Love, Rori

  171.  #171Rick on October 10, 2011 at 10:07 am

    I am a man, I saw your site and thought a woman would probably be my best help. So here it goes. I am married
    for 27 years. For the past 10 years my wife and I grew apart. We talked about it, went for counseling and realized we are not in love any more. We live like best friends and roommates. Not like a husband and wife. My wife also over these 10 years has lost interest in sex, she blames it on early menopausal issues. So we decided to divorce. We are both fine in all this. Here is the problem, I met a woman 4 years ago and started a friendship with her that grew into a love relationship between us. Even though it was against both our principles we made love and fell in love. My girlfriend knew all up front,except shethought our divorce would have been faster, which is my fault because I wanted my wife to initiate the process. Before I met this woman four years ago my wife said she wanted a divorce.
    So I waited for her to initiate the process, not knowing I would fall for another woman. The reason for the delay in our divorce was financial, too many things hit all at once.
    You name it it happened, my daughter was going to college, the economy got bad, my investments tanked on me, and job loss. So now I am in the process of my divorce but my girlfriend feels she fell out of love with me. She feels I should have moved it faster for us to be together. Now she tells me that she does not want sex which we have been holding off of any way and says get the divorce and we will see how she feels after this. Now in between all this she has been true to me and I true to her. She mentioned that somebody was interested in courting her and asked me how I felt? I said I am in love with her and her only and asked her not to let anybody in between.
    I want to marry her and have a family with her. So far she has not let anybody in. As per her request, she just wants to see eachother as friends which is what we are doing. We get together play tennis, go to a movie, have dinner etc. Her rule is no intamacy till I am divorced, I agreed. I am in love with her no doubt, I know she loves me no doubt.
    I just wonder can she fall back in love with me? How do I handle this? I don’t want to lose her. How do I keep her without pressuring her? I don’t want to smother her yet I want her to know I am there for her. How do I reassure her of this as I go through the process of divorce. I am finding my relationship with her tougher than the divorce because as a man I don’t know if I am reading her right. I lover so much and she knows it, yet I feel I could lose her if I don’t play my cards right. I hope you can help me. Signed, Rick, A man lost in love as he goes through a divorce.