Love Is Just Not Supposed To Be This “Hard”

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why is he ignoring meHere’s a question from Confused that might “seem” like an “extreme” situation – and yet, you’d be surprised at what most of us “tolerate” and sweep under the rug:

The Question:

“Rori, My ex husband and I are reconciling. After 5 years he finally convinced me to give us another try. The reason we divorced was due to a lot of reasons with being young but the main one was trust. He was only away from me for a month when he started looking elsewhere for attention. After reading your ebook, I realized what things that definitely pushed him away.

During our reconciliation, we have talked a lot. I have made it clear about my expectations and what I don’t want to happen. I told him that if he feels he needs to talk to another woman, he needs to tell me so we can end things on a respectful note.

Well, we’ve been reconciling for 5 months now. At the beginning he was very affectionate and “into” me. Then he started taking anti-anxiety medication and since then has been very “off.” He still puts his hand on me every once in awhile and kisses me every day.

It feels very much like a friend relationship. He does drink every night (he says he can’t sleep without it) and its usually when he’s drunk when he reaches out to me intimately. At the beginning it was not like this. Recently, I have caught him looking at porn and looking at “hookup” websites (He does not know I know this). We still are not sexually intimate much (even though he mentions that he does want a child soon). The passion is missing. He hardly flirts with me anymore.

But his excuses are that he’s just having trouble finding a sex drive. He also uses the sex drive issue not to flirt with me (even though I’ve seen him be very capable of flirting). I have even found myself turning “off” because I do not want to force myself on him. We talk a lot about random things but have a hard time talking about our relationship.

And again, the last thing I want is to enforce “where’s our relationship going?” I’m beginning to worry if he’s reverting back to his old ways and I do not know how to approach what I know. Nor do I know how to approach these issues. I want a sex life. I want to be complimented. I want to be loved passionately.

He knows I am a catch because he wouldn’t have spent the last 5 years off and on trying to get me back. His whole family loves me and were all disappointed in him for losing me the first time. I do not want to be “the girl who gets away” anymore. I want to be the girl who is loved and he is IN love. My biggest issue though is the searching elsewhere.

Two months ago, we were at a wedding and he expressed that he knows I’m the one who he wants to spend the rest of his life with, He said he loves me with all his heart. Now, he’s saying things like, “whoever I marry will have to put up a great deal because I’m not easy to handle” and “I love you but I don’t want to rush into anything.”

I feel like I am doing the opposite of what I use to do… What I use to do was cry and complain and attack. Now, I just shut down and “talk” about it to my friends. I don’t want to deal with trust issues again. I want to feel like I’m able to confidently walk around not worrying he’s looking elsewhere.

Please help me find the right words so I can get this off my chest!

Thank you so much,

Confused”

 My Answer:

“Confused” – there’s so much I could say about how to “build safety” in this relationship and open channels, and bring the spark back – and….why in heaven’s name would you WANT to?

You don’t sound needy or desperate – so why would you want to put up with all of this?

The question isn’t “What do I do with this man to get him the way I want him to be…” it’s, Am I coming from a place inside that not only believes love is supposed to be this hard, but actively PURSUES this kind of “challenge”?

The question to ask yourself is: Have you ever been attracted to a man who seems “normal”?

And by normal, I mean…

A man who doesn’t need medication for his mental state – or has his medication so controlled that he can be “steady” and forthright.

A man who can talk first and cheat later – not the reverse.

A man who doesn’t contribute to avoiding emotional and physical intimacy any way possible – and instead INSISTS on both.

A man who likes you, loves you, and doesn’t change his mind every day.

A man who doesn’t choose porn over a real woman.

The question is – what are you doing with a man who is not making you happy?

On his second chance with you?

I hope you’re Circular Dating while you’re dating him, and want to say “brava” for saying that you’re a “catch”!

Now – please actually BELIEVE that you are and treat yourself as you deserve.

 

Love, Rori

 

 

 

 

 

564 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on August 22, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    I believe that



  2.  #2Femininewoman on August 22, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    I am not sure I understand this “A man who can talk first and cheat later – not the reverse.”



  3.  #3Turquoise on August 22, 2013 at 12:16 pm

    Reading this, I didn’t get the feeling that Confused really loves him and is choosing this relationship, sounds more like it’s happening to her…. she definitely is aware of what she doesn’t want, and that is awesome. I’m curious as to why she wants it to work though.



  4.  #4Sophie on August 22, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    Agree – why would she want to? – the comment ‘whoever I marry…” ugh I can just imagine that being said to me and the black fog descending…



  5.  #5Lisa on August 22, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    Repost from last thread:

    I need help….

    “M2″ called to confirm our date and meeting place. I don’t let them come to my house for several dates… until I know them better…

    and I said what should I dress for, I don’t know what we will be doing… he said..”as little as possible” I’m like half laughing… but not really say OH? and then he said “something conformtable and easy access”.. and I noticed that I laughed in a oh your not getting it this soon way… but also noticed that I didn’t use my feeling messages to say what I was feeling…

    He already knows sex isn’t on the table yet!

    So, since guys joke about things like this…

    I’m not really sure, if I wear a dress, if that will give the message that I’m wearing something “easy access”…. I want to assume trust…

    but I’m not feeling good now… I don’t want to be viewed as a sex object anymore than I already am…

    Men tell me “your sensual, I noticed it the moment I saw you”….. so I have good boundaries… and I can tell them no in a respectful way… but … I don’t know… if I should wear pants to make a point?

    what are your thoughts?

    OXOX



  6.  #6Sophie on August 22, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    oh Lisa that’s tricky – what do you feel like wearing? what does your instinct tell you?

    maybe whatever you wear you could express that you felt uncomfortable knowing what to wear because you didn’t want to be misunderstood?

    xx



  7.  #7Femininewoman on August 22, 2013 at 3:25 pm

    Lisa I would wear what I feel comfortable with. Which is usually a dress or skirt. Don’t allow him to influence your decisions or compromise your standards. Men push boundaries to test us. I would take his comment as a flirtatious joke and treat it as such. Strong on the inside soft on the outside. Don’t overanalyze or allow your past to hurt this date.



  8.  #8Femininewoman on August 22, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    I wouldn’t say that Sophie. It suggests looking to him for validation and giving your power away. He is only one guy why should your decision about your dress hinge on what he says?



  9.  #9Cris on August 22, 2013 at 4:35 pm

    I would wear trousers and a very charming blouse 🙂



  10.  #10Dominique on August 22, 2013 at 5:20 pm

    Lisa – I totally agree with Femininewoman here.

    xxoo



  11.  #11Zia on August 22, 2013 at 6:40 pm

    FW #2 – I understand it – I would never cheat. If I was looking elsewhere, I’d try and work out why and discuss with my partner. Early on in my first long term relationship, I started having strong feelings for someone else, was confused by them, spoke with my partner about them and they disappeared instantly. Later on (many years later), I brought up the suggestion of an ‘open’ relationship to explore other people.

    I don’t see that happening again (I’ve learned a lot since then, and I was in that relationship from a young age). But I do understand that point.



  12.  #12Evelyn Jones on August 22, 2013 at 6:43 pm

    There really are people who try to make things work even when it’s so unreasonable and illogical already. I feel for you :/



  13.  #13Lisa on August 22, 2013 at 6:59 pm

    @FW
    @Dominique
    @ Sophie

    Thanks so much!

    I wore the dress one b/c that is what I had planned, and two I couldn’t find anything on short notice that wasn’t going to be too warm. three b/c I wanted to wear it!

    So, I was shaking when I got there but took some deep breathes and struted my stuff like always.. and when I walked up to him, he said you look gorgeous! He said what ever you want just say it… I said I need to decompress a bit and take my mommy hat off… so he took me to my favorite restaurant… nice! He couldn’t stop telling me how beautiful and amazing I looked.

    I did crack a joke along the walk and said “Thank you! and not to be confused with easy access”, with a smile…he said.. “oh I couldn’t believe I said that, I’m sorry. I wanted to grab it back when it came out”…

    boundaries were good… he did say to me when we were at the sky bar looking at the sunset ( its outside)… “you really are exquisite you know!”

    That felt good…. I love all the attention I get from him… and the little kisses on my shoulders and cheeks…

    though he didn’t pay for the sitter ( don’t know if he forgot), which was tough on me… since I hired one so I could go out with him… that stinks.. I wasn’t expecting to have it out of my budget…

    I still am having a little turn off with the alcohol… tonight it was 3 drinks…

    I’m enjoying being treated better! Him asking what I want! How are you, can I get you anything. Whatever you want, just let me know… that feels good.

    Thanks again!

    OXOXO



  14.  #14Lisa on August 22, 2013 at 7:14 pm

    I think I have some more work to do…

    Rori says…: Am I coming from a place inside that not only believes love is supposed to be this hard, but actively PURSUES this kind of “challenge”?

    I must b/c I attract men that are hard! they have AS or OCD…, avoids physical, or emotional intimacy and currently possibly need for alcohol.

    I’d have to answer Rori’s question with a NO! I haven’t ever been with a man, that is “normal”

    and NO I’m not desperate! I have no problem getting men, dates…

    so I treat myself well…. at least I think I do… and HECK yes! I’m a catch! I know it.. ( not in a egotistical way) I am… I have men tell me I am…. I know I’m a great catch…I have alot to offer a good man.

    So then why do I keep attracting men like this woman above does? Why haven’t I ever been with a normal man?

    Ugg..

    OXOXO



  15.  #15Zia on August 22, 2013 at 7:23 pm

    The men who come into our life are mirrors – when I am attracting a certain type of man I have a look at myself and really dig into what it is inside me that mirrors what those men are showing me.



  16.  #16Lisa on August 22, 2013 at 7:26 pm

    @Zia

    Oh I know!!, it keeps me in constant work on myself…

    I just don’t know what the mirror is right now…

    I did the work on “there is something wrong with me” the other night.. that was good release.. I’d held that belief since I was really young…

    I think maybe Dominique might be right… ” I don’t deserve to have what I want”

    then I might attract men that I don’t want.. or that aren’t good for me…

    Thanks for the reminder

    confused about the mirror though…

    OXOXO



  17.  #17Zia on August 22, 2013 at 7:32 pm

    It’s hard sometimes to really see what the mirror is showing…. took me months after my last breakup to have that breakthrough even though once I realised it, it was so obvious!!



  18.  #18Lisa on August 22, 2013 at 7:34 pm

    @Zia I know isn’t it funny how life is that way… the mirror isn’t a clear one… it’s foggy.. LOL!

    Well I’m certainly open to what you might see, seeing as how it sometimes is obvious and though not to me…

    It could be that I attract men that need fixing… b/c I’m a fixer?

    uggg…
    Thanks!
    OXOX



  19.  #19Zia on August 22, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    Lisa – I had a similar thing. Attracting men who needed to be fixed because I’m a fixer. What I realised was that “fixer” part of me was a way to deflect what was going on with me. So with my ex, I thought about what it was about him that needed fixing. He was insecure because he had been cheated on before. I wanted to prove to him that he could be with someone who’d never cheat to “fix” his insecurities. That didn’t work (because you can’t change someone) so then I had a look at what it was I was trying to fix (his insecurities) and thought about me, and realised that *I* had a lot of insecurities about myself, not about men cheating, but about men leaving (and he did leave me “as they all do”).



  20.  #20Turquoise on August 22, 2013 at 8:19 pm

    Ok, getting strange. Another guy Zi dated last year, think I called him Ohio Guy or So Ready… Maybe both were for the same guy. He popped back up too and is emailing me. WTF… Seriously know I do not want any of these guys, major Rose Colored Glasses at tge time, Why is this showing up for me? One thing about it, really feels good to be so sure, not to be even the slightest bit tempted. Maybe I finally really do know what I want. Or at least what I don’t want. This guy was quick to remind me that he wants to be loyal to a not loyal woman. Yuck. Feels like half a man hearing that, and the half I don’t want.



  21.  #21Dominique on August 22, 2013 at 8:35 pm

    Lisa – Maybe you might ask what “normal” looks like to you. For me, I don’t know what that is.

    I don’t have a “normal” man, and I feel very thankful for this.

    I DO have a man who adores me and cherishes me though.

    xxoo



  22.  #22Lisa on August 22, 2013 at 8:53 pm

    @Dominique Thanks!

    I know! I was thinking in the bathroom tonight putting on my face cream… that same thing..

    I don’t mean to sound mean… when I say what I said… I’ve loved all these men! I did! Deeply!

    I was just going by what Rori was saying in her post above!

    Normal to me would be no need for psychological drugs, addictions, or serious mental health issues ie: Passive/Aggressive etc. where it feels abusive or controlling… and someone that can and does as Rori says can handle physical and emotional intimacy…

    I want someone that adores me!!! to the moon and back!….. and apparently “M2” ( but just 4 dates its hard to tell this early) so far is adoring me… and “M” did.. but just couldn’t handle the intimacy…

    So as far as Normal goes what is normal? I don’t know anyone that is “normal” ….

    What I do know is that I at least need someone that cares about my needs and desires and ME… enough to grow with me! and I’ve had to overcome co-dependency.. so I’d really like to not get into another enabling type relationship again… too much pain and work… I think the drinking thing would start that cycle over again…

    Like you and Rori says, it shouldn’t be that hard!

    I’m crying now…. I was at dinner tonight hearing “M2” really listening to me talk about what I’m passionate about ( it’s about time a man did that )… telling me how he is just amazed by me… in a lot of ways… and my heart was with “M” and why he couldn’t do that… I adored that man!!… and I have to let that go! I can’t change him… it’s over…

    Ok I’m done venting now…

    Thanks!!!

    OXOXO



  23.  #23Tereana on August 22, 2013 at 10:20 pm

    I love Rori’s tough love answer here. The only reason this woman feels “confused” is that she knows exactly what she wants, and she is not getting it from this man. And there is nothing she can “do” to make him be the guy she wants.

    Personally, I am wondering why she is giving this guy a second chance, and what was she doing for the last five years? Dodging his approaches while secretly wanting him back?

    That may be a little harsh, because that actually want my first thought. I have two points to make.

    Okay, A) Rori, I’m sorry, but the fact that a guy (or girl) is taking medication for something is not automatically an indication of a character flaw. What it can also mean is that the person is taking care of themselves and the people they love.

    And B) it is a known fact that many anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications can affect libido. It wouldn’t explain his “looking around,” but it would account for the low sexual contact, and it could explain the porn. He might need more of a “jolt” to get excited, and maybe he does it because he doesn’t want to look around so much. But he may find it hard to get excited in “normal” sexual situations. He may feel embarrassed about having low libido. Many men do. They feel emasculated by it. But it doesn’t mean he doesn’t want her. Aside from the drinking (obvious red flag), it could be their relationship does have promise. If she wants to address this part of it, maybe the next step is to talk to a doctor. They could adjust the meds, or try a different one. Their partnership doesn’t have to suffer just because of this. I wish them the best….



  24.  #24Tereana on August 22, 2013 at 10:36 pm

    Hi Lisa – Ooh, I don’t know why, but I’m getting a creepy feeling about this guy. I mean, I do know, but the feeling goes beyond that. It’s just like this, “ick” sensation, just behind the solar plexus. When I read your question about the clothes comment, I wanted to tell you not to go out with the guy at all. It may have been a “joke,” but comments like that never really are. You may have told him sec was “not on the table,” but that doesn’t mean he feels the same way. He could be charming you and affectionate just to see if be can get you to change your mind. I say, “ick.”

    I never go out with a guy who tells me anything about what to wear, and if I do, I never enjoy it. It speaks of control to me and I hate that.

    Of course, I know that I am imposing my own filter here, and how I would feel and what I would do. And I’m not there, in your shoes. But my gut doesn’t trust this guy…

    And you are welcome to your own interpretation and your own decision-making! 🙂



  25.  #25lacey nancers. on August 22, 2013 at 11:26 pm

    Poster.. I’m sorry you should having troubles. Maybe you should call him, idk .. I hope you can find out. For yourself. I. So sorry you are having trouble. <3



  26.  #26R.N.AmazingMe on August 22, 2013 at 11:53 pm

    I was never really happy trying to please men all the time because i would be lucky to have it returned. I with help put an end to that. I dont want to fix a man, i want one who understands my needs and realizes it can be ok if we cannot fill all of our needs. communication suck at it but better at saying no i don’t like thaqt or i like it when you do ….I found myself defending who I was to some. I will never do that again I am not perfect but perfection is overrated. I am happy and learning about myself daily. I love laughing…my favorite thing to do is laugh. If you are giving a man a second chance if he wants you enough he will do what it takes but in the end its your choice and your life.



  27.  #27Daria on August 23, 2013 at 12:45 am

    Dominique it sounds like you have a normal man as defined by Rori in the post



  28.  #28Daria on August 23, 2013 at 12:47 am

    “A man who doesn’t need medication for his mental state – or has his medication so controlled that he can be “steady” and forthright.”

    that means he can be taking medication, but he is doing so in a way that he is steady and forthright



  29.  #29Daria on August 23, 2013 at 12:48 am

    im on a ‘correcting/defending’ hype

    hmm

    i feel compelled to defend my urge to defend



  30.  #30Daria on August 23, 2013 at 12:48 am

    Lisa asked him what she should wear



  31.  #31Daria on August 23, 2013 at 12:49 am

    Lisa I would have brought up the sitter payment or I would do so next time I talked to him

    “I feel really uncomfrotable bringing this up, and i feel really pressed with teh sitter payment. it would feel good to have help with that .. what do you think?



  32.  #32Daria on August 23, 2013 at 12:53 am

    I feel judgmental

    I feel curious whether the EMFs are affecting me and triggering a rreaction from my body towards aggressivity



  33.  #33Daria on August 23, 2013 at 2:02 am

    I feel good with this computer Keyboard my cousins got

    its not upsetting me EMF style

    yay!

    ima take a picture of all the stuff that doesnt bother me and assemble an interface for me so that i can Internet EnJoy



  34.  #34Daria on August 23, 2013 at 2:07 am

    So on the plane I was working through thoughts of Bookie CD and how “I wanna have fun with him as a friend (while i CD of course)

    nd then I started out recharged and then got Retriggered and am practicing shifting my beliefs and allowing feeling shifts



  35.  #35Daria on August 23, 2013 at 2:08 am

    also how I get triggered to act different when a woman is around that likes my guy

    /I want to heal this

    I don’t want to go to competition/agression

    I dont want to go to shutdown/holdback

    thanks!



  36.  #36Angel on August 23, 2013 at 3:50 am

    This post really triggered me. I felt so sad reading: “Have you ever been attracted to a man who seems “normal”?” Because the answer for me is yes, but along with that comes the thought that HE is never attracted to ME. And I feel myself wanting to curl up into a ball and wallow in sadness. Ugh. And that is how I feel most of the time when I see guys I like. I feel small.



  37.  #37Femininewoman on August 23, 2013 at 4:11 am

    Lisa I also wonder after all he did last night would it really be necessary to bring up the sitter thing. Are you okay with what HE offered? Was he enough of a hero?



  38.  #38Lisa on August 23, 2013 at 5:45 am

    @FW

    it’s not about him being a hero. it’s about him telling me that he didn’t want me to ever pay for a sitter when going out with him and that he would pay for it. So, I hired a sitter. Normally, I don;t go out, if I don’t have her sister watch her.

    I don’t have the budget for paying for a sitter. I just can’t afford it.

    it’s about following through for me. and he might have forgotten, I don’t know. but I can’t do it again.

    I don’t feel comfortable bringing it up… that feels awful. but I can say next time, that I can’t hire a sitter right now, and her sister isn’t available, so we will have to make it another time.

    I don’t know how else to handle it…

    OXOXO



  39.  #39JAMIE on August 23, 2013 at 6:18 am

    WHAT ARE THE 9 Powerful Words You Can Say That‎ Remind Him Why He Needs You.



  40.  #40Vi on August 23, 2013 at 7:22 am

    I love me



  41.  #41Brenda on August 23, 2013 at 7:40 am

    Hey how do u post a blog or story or do Rori picks thsm randomly or are these her clients?



  42.  #42Magic Seahorse on August 23, 2013 at 8:09 am

    36 Lisa- Hi there lady. been reading about your date and 36 has something in it that is catching somewhat ‘big’. I feel sticky around “I don’t feel comfortable bring it up.” FW posted about the hero thing and yet it feels bigger when reading 36. I, magic Seahorse is feeling…………….. the uncomfortableness in asking for what I need……….what I want………………….. I work on this still. It comes so much more naturally now. Nothing wrong in asking for what we need or want. The answer might be no but, we never know until we ask. ………And we can ask:) Big hugs!



  43.  #43Magic Seahorse on August 23, 2013 at 8:14 am

    Hahahahhahaa!!!! The art of asking in feeling messages!!! Scripting it Lisa!! I believe it’s all there in 36! Turn around a couple of words and Bingo! Your feeling message and asking for what you NEED already there. Asking for what you need……………. Stating what you need………………….. my head is nodding in agreement. HAhahahaha! Love it;)



  44.  #44Magic Seahorse on August 23, 2013 at 8:17 am

    I had a voice pop up in the background of my thoughts saying in a sneering voice…………. That sounds NEEDY……………. shine the light on it and it runs away. That voice is losing it’s hold……………



  45.  #45Magic Seahorse on August 23, 2013 at 8:35 am

    Ohhhhhhh…………………. I feel squishy and soft when I think………. it’s being vulnerable:) I need help with something and I feel uncomfortable asking……………………………. I love feeling vulnerable now. It’s all open and soft not afraid and …………. it’s a glowing sunset pink! Radiating off me just like a sunset awash with all those beautiful colors…………. Oh that feels so good! Love you!



  46.  #46Indigo on August 23, 2013 at 10:19 am

    Lisa,

    Like Daria, I believe I also would have brought up the sitter payment in feeling messages.

    I would have said sweetly, something like “Oh my goodness, I feel so shy bringing this up but is it still ok to help me with paying for the sitter? I would feel so relieved.”



  47.  #47Femininewoman on August 23, 2013 at 10:31 am

    Lisa your response and Seahorse’s makes me more convinced that you would give him a chance to really be your hero if you do bring it up. That was really charming and masculine of him to have offered in the first place. Maybe I would challenge him with something to the effect that “I feel awkward bringing this up and realize I should have done it before. I assume you might have forgotten about our sitter discussion and wanted to remind you and give you the oppourtunity to be man enough to take care of things. What do you think?”

    I think it would display confidence if you could do it in a playful challenging way for him. I am sure he wants to be your hero. Allow him.



  48.  #48Syreena on August 23, 2013 at 10:36 am

    Doesn’t matter if someone is turning to alchohol, porn, partying, meaningless casual hook ups, anxiety pills gaming, gambling, shopping addiction whatever. All point to the same thing. Not able to do a healthy fuctional relationship yet.

    So if we are attracted to this and want this we must be at the same level and we need to heal and sort ourselves out so we are no longer attracted to and do not want this.
    He has unhealed childhood issues and so do we.

    We can only do the work on ourselves and sort ourselves out so we no longer want or choose this.



  49.  #49Femininewoman on August 23, 2013 at 10:41 am

    Also Lisa it would help you to practice speaking up, feeling your feelings, acting as if (confident) and LETTING GO OF EXPECTATIONS. I think it is a wonderful opportunity to practice letting go of expectations just to see what that feels like in the face of this need.



  50.  #50Dominique on August 23, 2013 at 10:41 am

    Femininewoman – I think you’re on the right track though not loving the word choices, sorry. I love what Indigo offered up.

    How about instead –

    “I feel awkward bringing this up now, for I felt shy and a bit afraid to say anything then, yet it’s sitting on my heart, and I don’t want to feel this way with you. Would it still be ok to help me with paying for the sitter? I would feel so relieved.”

    xxoo



  51.  #51Syreena on August 23, 2013 at 10:42 am

    anit depressents stop us feeling so do not get to the core. They mask the problem. So we put on a fake smile and ignore what is going on. Same with anti anxiety pills. Thy dehuminaise us. We are supposed to feel all our feelings even the bad ones.



  52.  #52Femininewoman on August 23, 2013 at 10:43 am

    “CHoices” Dominique?



  53.  #53Femininewoman on August 23, 2013 at 10:44 am

    Oh “word choices” I see. Now I understand.



  54.  #54Emerson on August 23, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    I don’t like the phrasing “would it be ok etc etc…” Sounds little girl ish to me…asking permission.
    Maybe I’m splitting hairs….
    I would keep it simple and just say
    “I had fun on our date, i feel a bit awkward to being this up…it would feel great to have your help paying the sitter for that evening as you had mentioned. (Smile the silence).”



  55.  #55Emerson on August 23, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    My challenge is keeping silent!
    My cutecityCD asked me what day I am available and I answered and now waiting for a reply is killing me lol…



  56.  #56Emerson on August 23, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    I like my cutecityCD alot…he’s totally out of my norm…but in a good way… He is kind and open and generous…
    I’m feeling more turned on by security and generosity these days… Not in a gold digger way but a respect kind of way…



  57.  #57Emerson on August 23, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    I don’t feel attracted to bad boys at all… I don’t feel attracted to toxic addicts or liars… Yay!
    ExoticCD is off the table completely… He seems to want a relationship with all the be noes but no effort… He’s kinda feminine energy actually…I lost all my “feelings” for him when I found out he does not like to go down on women lol…

    Daria again I’m thankful for you in showing your bravery and honesty about wanting thaf that in the past posts…I feel braver to talk about it thanks to you. In fact I may not have asked exoticCD if it werent for you 🙂



  58.  #58Emerson on August 23, 2013 at 2:19 pm

    Maybe love is not hard but relationships acn be hard for me because it requires implementing boundaries….I must be more aware of my blocks and old habits before I can stop them… They are self defeating



  59.  #59Indigo on August 23, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    Hi Emerson,

    The way I used “would it be ok” was not coming from a place of asking permission, but of being polite.

    For me, I often phrase things like that when someone is doing something for me, not in a way that suggests that I’m asking permission, but just to show consideration, something as in “is now a good time” or “if everything’s still fine on your end”.



  60.  #60BeLoved on August 23, 2013 at 2:46 pm

    This feels new and interesting…!
    I’m reading “Mars and Venus Starting Over” and John Gray suggests that women date men we know we would never consist marrying and man we are definitely not sexually attracted to, to give ourselves lots of experiences of giving and love so we can learn to feel safe opening our hearts again without feeling like we need to protect ourselves so much. I can see how this would benefit me, it’s totally different than the way I was approaching dating.



  61.  #61BeLoved on August 23, 2013 at 2:55 pm

    Then again, I feel pretty free to say no to sex already, considering I haven’t had intercourse for 5 years already. I’m feeling ready to say yes to sex again 🙂
    Now, though, I feel free to date men who I know aren’t candidates for long term… just minutes after doing an EFT session on “feeling free” lol. Sooo I’ll see where that new perspective takes me.



  62.  #62MovingMagic on August 23, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    Emerson, finding awareness & blocks is so huge in all of this!! I’m on a similar journey. I’ve sat back & I’m taking a close look at my story line. I’m no longer interested in repeating the same chapter over & over. I’m committed to responding differently. Haha & ohh my is that triggering.



  63.  #63BeLoved on August 23, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    “When we begin to feel angry instead of just sad for the ways we’ve been neglected in the past, we are affirming our worthiness.” -John Gray

    I love this. I got a notice from the library that a completely different book I have on hold was ready but when I went to pick it up it was not the one the notice said was ready, it was this one, Starting Over. I almost put it back because I thought I really wanted the other book.

    🙂



  64.  #64Femininewoman on August 23, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    aWhen you repeatedly tell a man you are dating or in a relationship with what you think he is doing wrong, how that makes you feel, and what he needs to differently, it can be difficult for him to actually hear what you’re feeling or what you want.  All he hears is what a disappointment he is.  And, since men see themselves through the eyes of the women they love, the message that comes through loud and clear is that he’s not capable of pleasing you, which, by the way, is at the top of a good man’s list!  This can cause him to want to stop trying.”

    Got this as part of an email and it really spoke to my heart especially the part about seeing himself through the eyes of the woman



  65.  #65BeLoved on August 23, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    I’m sitting here crying and laughing my butt off…
    I’ve been trying to go into the “wrongness” of me for choosing to be angry instead of feeling abandoned and hurt and sad…then John Gray comes along and validates me.

    grumble grumble…telling me one night you’d be insane to want anything with me and then call the next day acting all sweet and lovey and saying “I love you”.
    Aw H3LL naw!
    Sh!t just ain’t right, y’all.

    I’m laughing and letting it go.
    Of COURSE a passive-aggressive man is going to try to train me that my anger is wrong, and of course, me believing something was wrong with me already, was going to believe it.

    Wow.
    I feel like I just lost 10 pounds right from my belly.
    I feel much lighter.



  66.  #66Lisa on August 23, 2013 at 4:18 pm

    Thanks Everyone! I’m loving reading the posts about asking for what I need….

    though just reading the scripts made me want to vomit! It was like burried into me as a child to not ask people for money… even if they owe it to you…

    though now that I think about it, my parents disowned me for money they thought I should pay them back, when it wasn’t agreed upon.. etc. etc…

    so lots coming up with that….

    It just feels needy to ask him after the fact…

    I will try to work on the scripts… and see how it goes….

    I guess I was thinking about saying when he asks me out for next week, I could say, “that feels good to see you during the week, I have to pay a sitter in order to do that, and that isn’t in my budget. What do you think?”

    I totally could have been b/c he had 3 drinks and forgot… I don’t know.. it could have been b/c he spent so much in dinner… ???

    On a side note: He called me twice today while I was in massage class… left one message. Not sure I should call him back… maybe – he might have remembered the sitter thing? don’t know.

    but he didn’t ask me to call him back.. he just said Hey sweet girl, I wanted you to know, I’m thinking about you…… hope your having a great day…

    and “R” came into the picture yesterday like a storm! He e-mailed me from match.com twice said he wants to step up to the plate for me and he is gluten free and loved my profile. He ask if we could talk… nice!

    then e-mailed me and said, can I cook you dinner… ( how can a girl refuse that?)

    then I e-mailed him back and said I’d like to talk with him. I have plans tonight. I look forward to talking with you. and he called me at 6p…. said when is your plans tonight… can we talk… he is suppose to call tonight..

    then comes “D” this morning, he texted me to ask me out tonight… ( not good to ask someone out you’ve never met or spoken to via text) IMO… and then wondered why I hadn’t texted him back… and could I meet him now! I said I just got out of class, thanks so much for the offer, I’d love to meet you, can we do it another time. He really tried to pressure me…. even after I told him, I was really tired… and had body work done all day… felt really hurried… that didn’t feel good… he was like really pushing to see me tonight!

    anyways… just being aware…

    it’s strange can these men tell that there are several men after me now without any kind of signals from me? It feels that way… energetically seems like they know…hummm

    Well I did say let it rain men… I’m good with it… I like it….. it feels good to have lots of men interested!

    It felt good to stay with what I needed and not give in to “D” pressure to meet him tonight…

    OXOXO



  67.  #67Lisa on August 23, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    Ok “D” just e-mailed me and said nice talking with you tonight. I call in a few days to set up a date… hummm that was nice… now that feels good …no pressure… I feel good when I’m ask out on the phone and in advance…

    I need to start being more clear when communicating… “R” hasn’t called and I didn’t answer his question, when he said, should you call me or me call you? oops… so now I’m feeling weird …. not knowing if he is expecting me to call him….ooopsy…

    “L” just texted me… saying Hi…

    I’m really wanting to talk to “R” he has the best energy… but not sure about calling him… ugg…

    OXOX



  68.  #68Syreena on August 23, 2013 at 6:25 pm

    how is it possible to feel more lonely in some peoples company than when alone?



  69.  #69R.N.AmazingMe on August 23, 2013 at 7:14 pm

    Sometimes people, well i have had it happen with men, @65 Syreena, I believe it is because when you cannot be your true self, and feel safe with the person, then it leaves a lonely feeling because your alone which is due to no connection with surrounding company…well that my thoughts anyway



  70.  #70Millie on August 23, 2013 at 9:31 pm

    @Syreena–66
    I have felt that before as well. Are you speaking of a one on one situation? or in a group? or both?



  71.  #71Zia on August 23, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    Syreena – I know that feeling well.



  72.  #72Millie on August 23, 2013 at 9:48 pm

    Today I let go of a man who has been on and off in my life for 5 years. I had a realization and felt with every bone and blood cell in my body that I could not continue this relationship. I could not be in his life anymore. I could not and did not want to go on the trip with him. It would feel false and I do not feel good being in the shadow of another woman, nor knowing how he treated this woman he was allegedly engaged to and potentially going to have a child with. He has a tattoo of her initials that I had not seen before. However recent, I could not stomach it, I could not stomach what it meant. I stood up for myself and I walked away. I told him we needed a clean break and we had that. I love that when I know, I KNOW, and I knew what I needed to wholeheartedly without a doubt and that feels really amazing. Whether I went about telling him in the best way is a learning experience, but the important is I said my peace, I was authentic, and I displayed and communicated my emotions. I have boundaries now. He cannot hurt me anymore. I cannot open myself up to him hurting me anymore. In the past when we’ve broken things off, I felt immediate remorse of how much I will miss him and all that. I will of course, we have fond memories, but now I feel that I can live without all those things, but what I cannot live WITH is continuing with my same actions and essentially teaching him that I will tolerate anything. I asked myself, if this recent event doesn’t send me packing, what will?? The answer to that is something severely bad I’m sure. If I went on the trip I’d be telling him that he can do anything to me and I would not leave. I finally acted selfishly, the moment was right for me to walk away and I did. He did not try to keep me, he let me go and at first was very angry with my actions, rightly so, but in the end, I believe he understood and our parting was amicable, despite there being no friendship on the horizon. I realize now that we cannot be friends, he cannot linger anymore in the doorway of my mind. I need to move forward with my boundaries and open up to men who want a future with me.
    I surprised myself with this, the surge of knowing, the surge of feeling so confident in this decision was so overwhelmingly powerful. It feels good to know I have it in me and it feels good to know, that when I know, I know.



  73.  #73Millie on August 23, 2013 at 9:57 pm

    @Zia 15–
    catching up on blog reading!!
    Zia, I love this concept especially because I attract certain types of men that SAY the exact same things to me and run their lives in the same manner.
    I wonder what the mirror is telling me…hmmm
    Is it telling me that I act like them? Or that I want to be them? Or do they have something I want for myself that I feel I lack?? I’m wondering now! Haha



  74.  #74Millie on August 23, 2013 at 10:08 pm

    @Lisa 64–

    I really like this:

    “that feels good to see you during the week, I have to pay a sitter in order to do that, and that isn’t in my budget. What do you think?”

    I like this because it isn’t demanding, it’s very open, and is following up in a non-aggressive way. His answer will tell you how serious his offer was and then you can respond as suits your needs.

    About the clothes thing–there are some mixed opinions here….I understand your asking what to wear because you want to appropriate to the place you are going to. However, if for right now you want the focus off sex, maybe it would be better to ask if the place is casual or dressy? and keep it vague. I do agree with Femininewoman, dress how you are most comfortable. I also do not like when a man tells me what to wear and if he does allude to tell me to “dress sexy” I will most certainly not go out of my way to do that. I have a mind of my own and I choose what I wear, and for me, I will state that or say I feel sexy in this….even if its a huge sweater. haha.



  75.  #75Emerson on August 23, 2013 at 11:09 pm

    I don’t know if guys are just looking for a fling or for something serious… If I meet them online and their profile says they want a long term relationship I know now I can’t always go by that.
    I have to check out each situation. There are days I feel like giving up. It all feels so tiring.



  76.  #76Daria on August 23, 2013 at 11:11 pm

    im feeling excited learning energy techniques and having them work

    i feel proud and special and excited to feel electromagnetic energies

    i feel curious about using orgone or other minerals or power flows to affect the fields so that they feel good
    to me AND other people

    woo hoo i am an electromagnetic healing Goddess



  77.  #77Daria on August 23, 2013 at 11:19 pm

    “women date men we know we would never consist marrying and man we are definitely not sexually attracted to, to give ourselves lots of experiences of giving and love so we can learn to feel safe opening our hearts again without feeling like we need to protect ourselves so much.”

    this is what i get from Rori’s suggestion to CD anyone who asks that isn’t scary



  78.  #78Daria on August 23, 2013 at 11:22 pm

    yay Emerson!



  79.  #79Daria on August 23, 2013 at 11:22 pm

    hehe i feel so special to have my bravery and honesty pointed out to me

    i feel uncomfortable writing that about myself



  80.  #80Daria on August 23, 2013 at 11:26 pm

    Angel – but then that is not a “normal” man according to Rori’s definition above, because a

    “A man who likes you, loves you, and doesn’t change his mind every day.”

    so the guys you like who you think don’t like you don’t qualify…

    and that means you ARENT (yet) attracted to the ones who DO!!

    so theres so much growth potential here yay!



  81.  #81Emerson on August 23, 2013 at 11:34 pm

    I have a couple CDs right now but I need more…



  82.  #82Emerson on August 23, 2013 at 11:40 pm

    57 hi indigo! 🙂
    I do understand the context that the phrase was used, but it still rubs me the wrong way…
    Just my preference I guess …

    60 hi moving magic
    Thanks for sharing in my journey… Xoxo

    Daria you’re a rock star I always like to read your posts :))



  83.  #83Emerson on August 23, 2013 at 11:44 pm

    Ahh I feel so dreamy and organic and in touch with myself …I’m so raw and honest with myself nowadays and like I mentioned before taking control of my life and getting myself out of situations where I’m treated marginally or treated with disrespect … I just won’t tolerate it,,, even for a job… Why should I put up with abuse?!?! Is that required for keeping a job now?
    Not in my world. I may actually complain to HR if this person messes with me again. And I never do that sort of thing.



  84.  #84Emerson on August 23, 2013 at 11:47 pm

    I also got a new job lead for something better… So I may be moving on. I gf do mad when I think of how this person abused me verbally and I feel protective of me and I wnt to pat my own back and reassure myself that got shaken up the other day….and even tho I stood my ground I felt angry!!



  85.  #85Indigo on August 23, 2013 at 11:49 pm

    (((Millie)))

    Good for you.

    Reading your post, I don’t think your actions were selfish, or rather they were, in the best possible way. I like the resolve and clarity I read in your words.



  86.  #86Indigo on August 23, 2013 at 11:54 pm

    Emerson 80 & 81

    I think that’s marvelous! Yes!

    I absolutely have ceased buying into the notion that we need to put up with bad treatment at work because we want to be “good” employees, or because we desperately want to keep our jobs. No. This is the kind of timidity that allows bullying to flourish.

    I have seen such great results, and such a WONDERFUL feeling of self-love and power arise from standing up to those people with kindness, yet firmness.



  87.  #87Emerson on August 24, 2013 at 12:04 am

    Hmm on another note how do I tell if a guy wants a relationship or just wants me for a fling? Sounds like a dumb question …
    Especially with Indian guys it’s hard to tell…
    Tereana??



  88.  #88Emerson on August 24, 2013 at 12:11 am

    83 thanks indigo..
    Yes it’s hard because the pressure is just to put up with it…
    Like the mean people are the ones with the power and have been there longer thane and I feel outnumbered…
    I hope I can be strong tomorrow…



  89.  #89Daria on August 24, 2013 at 12:53 am

    thank you Daria for eating!

    thank you for doing my weekly deparasiting herbs today!

    thank you for doing my earlier herbs to build up to weekly!

    thank you for loving me

    thank you for energy flushign my meridians so much!



  90.  #90Daria on August 24, 2013 at 12:54 am

    thank you for doing them on the plane so i didn’t get jetlagged at all
    WOWDARIAYOUROCK!



  91.  #91Daria on August 24, 2013 at 12:54 am

    youre really fuchkin special in that unique wow way



  92.  #92Millie on August 24, 2013 at 1:02 am

    Thank you Indigo!!! 🙂 Yay me



  93.  #93Kath on August 24, 2013 at 2:42 am

    Hi,

    I don’t know but it seems like I’m in this situation. I’ am married and my husband cheated on me after a month that i left UK to go back to my home country to process our visa. The things is I just have all learned this a few weeks ago when I came back, although I have this intuition in me before but since I trust him I never mind. Now he is leaving me hangin. He moved out from the apartment in where we live, and I have read emails of him and the woman renting out a room in another county but what he’s doing is he continuously lie to me about this woman. That he never talks to her anymore that they are not seeing each other – but it’s all black and white as I was able to go through his emails without him knowing. I don;t understand why he did this. Since he has moved out for me I think it’s over and I’m really trying my best to move on, although I’m confuse cos he said he will see me after a few weeks and we’ll see and try to have things work. I mean I’m trying to talk to someone now, I know it’s early but knowing someone cares for u and someone you can talk to at this phase really helps. Besides I know that he is with his mistress now. And the sad part of all that is. he left me with nothing but 20 pounds to sort myself for a week! I mean I don’t have a job yet cos I just get back in the UK, and I’m moving out of the apartment on the 31st. Although my in laws will take care of me for the moment but I still am not clear about this. We are not getting a divorce. We are separated now cos he doesn’t live with me now. He cheated to me before and the last few days that we were together he was crying and feeling so guilty of what he did. But he said I don’t deserve a man like him, but you know cos I love him I really don’t care. I don’t care about the mistake cos even God can forgive how much more us human. Now I don’t know the real score. But I’ am talking to someone. I’m not sleeping with him even though I never had any sexual intercourse with my husband for 8 months cos I was away and even when I get back he never touched me.

    Please help me try to clear things out in my mind. Should I just move on and carry on with my life? Or should I wait for him and help him change?



  94.  #94Indigo on August 24, 2013 at 3:37 am

    Emerson

    You can do it!



  95.  #95Syreena on August 24, 2013 at 4:30 am

    Both Millie.



  96.  #96Emerson on August 24, 2013 at 5:17 am

    My phone is not updating the blog 🙁



  97.  #97Luzydel on August 24, 2013 at 8:28 am

    What if deep inside I am the one who doesn’t want commitment and that is why I end up with me who don’t want to commit to me… Maybe I am the one who’s afraid… Every man I ned tells me he’s not ready…
    Time for some deep searching!!!



  98.  #98Daria on August 24, 2013 at 9:27 am

    thank you Daria for napping

    thank you for scheduling your afternoon nap tomorrow at the perfect bladder meridian time 3 – 5

    thank you for choosing to go out and be social

    thank you for looking up the museum to see Cucuteni neolitihic stuff for tomorrow

    mmmm it would feel so good to be high going there to absorb energy

    i feel scared to be high on smoke around my mom

    big hugs Daria



  99.  #99Indigo on August 24, 2013 at 10:09 am

    Feeling all kinds of funny, trembly, anxious, glittery feelings come up, and trying to sit with them. They feel uncomfortable. I feel them in my heart and it makes it swell. This is a chance to feel these feelings even more deeply, and love them, and soothe them. They feel quite difficult, so I put my hand on my heart and breathe. Just breathe over and over again and close my eyes.



  100.  #100Dominique on August 24, 2013 at 11:21 am

    Millie – 69 – Awesome. 🙂

    xxoo



  101.  #101Amy on August 24, 2013 at 11:43 am

    Hi All, I don’t have a comment,but I do have a problem. This is hard for me to even talk about! I Apologize now for the long post.
    Little about me: I’ve never had a bf( didn’t want one) just tons of casual sex. I never felt a desire to have a relationship. Any mention of relationship I ran.I have been the other woman before(If they were taken, it meant that there would no emotional attachment to me). Oh and I have two wonderful children who don’t share the same dad.
    Deep breathe…Now that’s out the way I can begin.

    Back story:I met the guy I’m dating now 8 yrs ago at work. During that time we became close went out a few times. I had sex with him once. Eventually he wanted a relationship with me (I didn’t),at the time he had a girlfriend and 4 kids wanted to give it up to be with me. I always loved the time we spent together and how honest and open he was.

    Ok fast forward to now. The end of Dec. we started “talking” again. The only reason I started talking to him again was the fact that he and his girlfriend/ mother of 1 of his kids at the time were no longer together. Well that wasn’t true. The truth was( btw I was told in Jan)… They were having problems for a long time (about 2yrs) which I knew and that she cheated on him. They were still living together and weren’t sure if they wanted to work it out. I still continued to talk to him.

    February is when he and I really started getting more involved with each other. I felt myself falling in love with him. We always talked openly…yes even about his dealings at home, but I would stop the conversation when he would start to bad mouth here. He told me he loved me showed me attention and was aware of my feelings, but it was one Huge issue he tells me that he will do things and never does them and in the past 6 months he hasn’t done anything for me. No small tokens of appreciation,gifts, trips, no date planning nothing. I don’t need it to be expensive or have it happen all the time just has to be thoughtful. It makes me feel unappreciated. I’ve tried telling him this several times,but nothing changes. I use to get gm, gn, I love you and miss you text all the time,but now I don’t. He doesn’t even call everyday anymore. It hurts because I’ve done a lot for him. Took him on a trip, would get up out my bed to pick him up and take him home more than once and we don’t live near each other. I have paid for dates and planned them. I also have problems with how he’s personal business. He lives with his Aunt, because he still paying rent at his ex house( both names are on the lease). He told me he could get out of it and never tried. He’s never lived on his own always with a girlfriend. I don’t think he’ll try to find a place when the is lease up next month. He wants me to get a place with him,but I don’t play house. I feel so foolish for sticking around thinking things will get better. I feel even stupider for loving a man who isn’t giving me what I want.



  102.  #102Millie on August 24, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    Thank you Dominique!

    It is a nice feeling to have nothing in my life “tugging” at me. To have no unsettling feelings….I think you don’t realize how unsettling something is to you until it’s gone. I have not a care in the world right now. 🙂



  103.  #103Millie on August 24, 2013 at 12:58 pm

    I also realize that when I feel anxiety about a man it is my body’s way of letting me know that I feel compromised. I mis-identified it at first. I thought the anxiety was over him–“why isn’t he doing ___? What did I do “wrong”? What is wrong with me? ” In truth….the anxiety came from sticking by when I was never going to receive what I needed, sticking by knowing I was not first with a man. Next time I am ridden with anxiety again, I will take it as a warning sign instead of a criticism of myself.



  104.  #104Rori Raye on August 24, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    Amy – Please stop calling yourself “stupid” and start acting in your own best interests. I can’t help you much here, because it’s clear you want to be the “boy” energy in a relationship. You might do better on some men’s sites, like http://www.makingherhappy.com – and just imagine you’re the man and you’re looking for a feminine energy man – but one who doesn’t cheat or lie, and who doesn’t have another woman. Please get clear about what you want and, if you’re going to choose to act like a man, then call him, tell him what you want, be authoritative, make dates and don’t tolerate what you don’t want.

    If you don’t want to be the male side of things anymore – then that’s your journey, and get my ebook, please. It will be a complete turnaround for you. Love, Rori



  105.  #105Rori Raye on August 24, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    Kath – the first thing I would do is see an attorney and find out what his financial responsibilities are to you. Then I’d get a job, and drop and divorce this man like a spoiled potato. Love, Rori



  106.  #106Rori Raye on August 24, 2013 at 1:13 pm

    Kath – Also – I’m not sure if this is the case – but if you need to stay married to him for your financial security and visa to work in the UK – then STAY MARRIED!!!! Just stop caring what he does or doesn’t do! Go live your own life. There’s nothing but financial logistics for you in this “marriage.” Love, Rori



  107.  #107Amy on August 24, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    Rori- I DON’T WANT to be the boy in the relationship. I believe that a man should be the provider and pays for everything. I know what I want and sadly to say he has the qualities I want and the ones I don’t want. I have control issues. I want things done my way and in the time Iwant them, if not I get angry. How do I relinquish control and not lose my mind? How do I begin to break out of the boy energy and let him do for me.? At times I just want to say forget it and abstain from sex and lock my heart back up!



  108.  #108Daria on August 24, 2013 at 2:21 pm

    Im feeling really good!

    im doing a great job taking care of myself and following what feels good, rather than going by sticking to plans no matter what



  109.  #109Daria on August 24, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    i feel al il sad reading waht i wrote cuz sticking to plans no matter what sounds like taking care of myself to me

    but its not D!

    its about what feels good

    NOT letting myself down, but allowing myself flexibility and flow and following the good feelings



  110.  #110Millie on August 24, 2013 at 2:31 pm

    Amy–

    So nice to meet you and hear your story. It sounds like you were very certain you did not want a relationship in the past and now your desires have changed. If this man is not giving to you in any way, then continuing to give to him…buy him things, take him on trips etc. is not serving you, it cannot buy his love. Since you decided you do not want to be the man in the relationship anymore I would definitely read Rori’s book! It will change your life and how you see yourself and the world! Stepping back from this man and looking into yourself and what you want, what you will and will not tolerate….as I’ve recently discovered, setting boundaries feels really good!



  111.  #111Daria on August 24, 2013 at 2:32 pm

    I think I have no problem being the man. LIke seriously I think it may be easeir for me

    I like being able to make the moves when i feel like it.

    when int he literal boat on the lake, I found myself rowing spontaneously

    I can also be the woman. yay!

    IM experimenting with both without judging myself

    theres some stuff i like about being the girl and i can keep that

    anyway i will probbly like being the girl more,

    yet i can be the man i think

    calling and telling him what i want is something i can do

    hmmmm

    I feel cuurious excited and scared

    h,mmm,m



  112.  #112Daria on August 24, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    I suspect Rori thinks this about me when she told me to look for a man who’s supportive

    hmmm

    i think this can work for me where i can be in my feminine energy when it feels good for me in relationship (certain parts, like sex and paying)



  113.  #113Daria on August 24, 2013 at 2:35 pm

    I feel confused but it doesnt mattter, cuz im so good on focusing on me now, not blaming as much, and following what feels good to me

    also not chasing or making up end of the world stories regarding my love life



  114.  #114Daria on August 24, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    not chasing when it doesnt feel good. no self sacrifice

    and great boundaries



  115.  #115Daria on August 24, 2013 at 3:17 pm

    i do want to be the feminine energy

    i keep on having BookieCD in my head right now

    hmmm

    i love the way im making space for my feelings in my body right now



  116.  #116Daria on August 24, 2013 at 3:19 pm

    I was not thinking about bookie Cd till i started making plans in my head to see him on the plane

    now i feel all into this again

    hmmm

    i wanna get back on my bridge



  117.  #117Daria on August 24, 2013 at 3:21 pm

    I can be freidns with Bookie CD the way I am with Rich CD who also lives with a woman and has been had a challenging time getting money together to see me

    but he still does have enough for us for food and my gas , and bookie CD has had that or made efforts toward that too



  118.  #118Zara on August 24, 2013 at 4:06 pm

    I asked E : “Why would you want to date a guy like that?”

    “Because my parents were mean to me and I had massive daddy issues [laughing]. It was a horrendous relationship. It was such a bad idea. We fought the entire year we dated, it was terrible, and then we broke up.”

    I continued on the same line of questioning: “I know a lot of his fans are women, and I know a lot of women write to him from his site wanting to date him and sleep with him. Standing outside of it, as a guy who has always been a ‘nice guy,’ this still doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. Here’s this guy who’s pretty open in his writing about not treating women well, and yet many women are throwing themselves at him. What’s your take on that?”

    E continued: “Well, I think from an outside perspective, it is mystifying. I mean, why would you throw yourself at a guy who you know is going to treat you poorly, who’s always treated women poorly? It doesn’t make sense. But if you grow up in a house with a dad who’s an *ssh*le, it makes a lot of sense.

    […]
    “We were sad, lonely, little, lost, broken kids, and emotionally very, very immature. No one ever had his back as a kid, and no one ever had mine. We thought, ‘We’re mistreating each other,’ but at the same time there was kind of an understanding. I understood what it felt like to be him, because I had a very similar kind of childhood. I’ve always sort of seen him as a little boy that I need to take care of, and I know that he sees me kind of in the same way, as a little girl he needs to take care of. The idea was, we’re both just kids and forgotten, and nobody wants us, so we’re gonna look out for each other.

    “A relationship should be two full-formed adults coming together to forge something that’s equitable and grown-up. Instead, ours was like, ‘You’re broken, I’m broken, isn’t that so romantic?’ It was a terrible relationship. I can’t say anything good about the relationship, other than I got a really good friend out of it at the end.”

    E credits psychoanalysis with changing her own life.
    “I was an emotional wreck before I started analysis.  I’m doing pretty d*mn well now.”
    In turn, she encouraged T to seek the same transformation in his own life.
    “I think he just saw the changes in me first hand, over time, and he said ‘Wow, this works.’ ”

    […]
    T, who was clearly dealing with his own Mommy Issues in his twenties, was himself at that time a magnet for women with Daddy Issues. T and the many women he slept with in his twenties seemed to form a perfect circuit of interlocking wounds, hurt, shame, and pain—and even, detectable in its faintest outlines beneath it all, desire for healing.

    […]
    I asked T: “What about the women who were seeking you out?  What do you think they were getting out of it?”

    “It depends on the woman. That is what the second half of « *ssh*les Finish First » is about. I started this whole thing, thinking, ‘How cool would it be to be famous and to have an unlimited supply of sex?’ Then, I realized, the girls coming to me are self-selecting to come to me based on their own dysfunction. If the girl is looking to unconsciously model some sort of trauma, and she thinks that she sees that in my books, then she is going to come to me for that.  This is all unconscious for her, of course. And it was unconscious for me, too. I understood 0% of this, nine years ago. 0%.

    « When I was 27, I was trying to get *ss. When you’re a wild, crazy, trying-to-get-*ss dude, the type of girls who are broken in that way are going to be attracted to you. Those girls would go out looking for that guy, and I was that guy. I went out looking for those girls. And we paired up.

    “But, recently, I began to realize, we were actually playing out our own patterns of self-abuse on each other. I came to that realization, which is one of the reasons I wanted to stop living that life and retire from writing about it.

    […]
    « I was having fun doing it for a time, and I’m glad I did it. But it was no longer rewarding to me, because I realized I was surrounded by so much misery and pain. Once you start to see this, then you see it everywhere. It was like, ‘Wow, I can’t be in this bar scene and this drinking culture without being around a bunch of miserable people.’ ”

    I asked T: “Do you have any visceral sense that you were also causing pain to the people you were relating to?”

    T replied: “Of course, I had no concept of it then. I was much more narcissistic then. I had very little empathy. If I understood it, I had compassion, but I just had no empathy to get to compassion. I wasn’t in touch with my own emotions, so it wasn’t possible for me to understand other people’s emotions.

    “That is one of the reasons why it is so hard for me to write about that stuff now. Because I am so not in that mindset anymore. I am not in that dissociative mindset anymore. I am not that person anymore.

    “That is why it made so much sense to me to retire from that lifestyle. It’s over. I am out of it, well out of it. I think that maybe the beginning of the end was the movie tour. After that, I moved here [to Austin.] One of the reasons I moved to Austin is, this is one of the cities where I get the least amount of emails from girls to hook up. I don’t have any of my friends here that I made as part of that other life. I’m getting away from a certain world and pattern that I had created.

    “I don’t blame it on anyone else. I created that life. But I didn’t want to do it anymore, so I had to go to leave and start fresh.”

    […]
    I noticed a trend in T’s romantic partners. S is an ER nurse, and so was his last girlfriend, whom he writes about tenderly in the final story of « *ssh*les Finish First » . I asked T if there was a pattern here.

    “No girl goes into nursing unless she has a lot of compassion and empathy and cares about other people, and has a desire to be a caretaker. Yet interestingly, there’s also a certain amount of emotional dissociation you have to go through each workday.

    “A lot of my behavior in my twenties, I was dissociative. I was in a dissociative state. How many women do you find who are sweet, intelligent, and dissociative? That’s an extremely rare combination. But the one job that selects for those traits is nursing!

    […]
    “I was probably incapable of having a serious, meaningful, high-quality relationship with a great woman, until maybe a year ago. Even now there would be issues. I think I could work through them now. But that’s the purpose of analysis—to get to the point where you can work through them.

    […]
    “I’ve only been in analysis maybe nine months. It’s changed my life. I said this to my analyst the other day and she laughed: the woman that I want to marry, up until maybe a year ago, probably wouldn’t have had anything to do with me. There were still a lot of unresolved issues and problems, and the woman that’s so amazing that I want to marry her, probably wouldn’t have wanted to marry me. That’s what analysis is changing. It’s helping me try to turn into the man I want to be.

    […]
    “The act of going to analysis was not an easy thing for me. Starting it was an act of humility that was very difficult for me. To recognize I had these problems I couldn’t solve on my own, and to go to someone else to help me solve them—that was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

    “Going to an analyst is a very explicit act of rejection against a lot of these things that I used to do. And a recognition of the fact that I have got a lot of work ahead of me, a lot of painful work.

    “But eventually, you decide you are going to take that risk. You are going to get on bended knee, and realize that you can’t do this alone. I realized a lot of the things I used to think were right, were actually wrong.

    “Once I got going on it, and I saw it was working, I was happy that I did it. I had to trust her and open up to her and give her some measure of control. That was a tough pill to swallow.”



  119.  #119Zara on August 24, 2013 at 4:09 pm

    That was the missing half of my post number 5 on the previous thread (would-you-consider-an-open-marriage?)

    xxx



  120.  #120Zara on August 24, 2013 at 4:26 pm

    69: Millie

    Wow! I feel proud.

    xxx



  121.  #121Amy on August 24, 2013 at 5:05 pm

    Millie-Nice to meet you too! I know that you can’t buy love and I don’t want to. I have a very kind and giving heart, which I don’t like very much. By nature I’m a giver. I would give my my last to help someone. Even if we weren’t dating I would have done the same thing,because were friends first. He has paid for dates that I’ve planned. And the trip was by default. I was going out of town( escaping reality) and I end up changing my destination. I took him along because I knew the place was significant to him. Things were easier when we were just friends.



  122.  #122Syreena on August 24, 2013 at 5:08 pm

    yay to go Millie 100. Yes learning to take that feeling of anxiety as a warning sign and move away from it not towards it.



  123.  #123Millie on August 24, 2013 at 5:18 pm

    119–yes…move away not towards.

    118–Ok. I understand how good it feels to give and if you have no regrets that’s great! Rori’s work talks a lot about why women feel the need to give and also about how important it is to be able to receive in a relationship. Maybe look up some of her past post on that subject….it could be insightful to you.



  124.  #124Amy on August 24, 2013 at 5:23 pm

    Rori & Millie- Thank you for your insight!



  125.  #125Lisa on August 24, 2013 at 5:38 pm

    @Millie wonderful! insight! I too have had that experience to stop and not judge and really take my anxiety as a sign I need to stop and listen to myself without judgement…

    I think for me…. when I focus on what a man isn’t doing or is doing… I take all the focus off me and when I judge me… I take all the focus off me… and totally lose myself in judgements… then I miss the point!

    I had a great break through today…. at class.. cranial sacral class…. she worked on my head and I had a memory come up … of 20 years ago when my ex hit me in the head with a bat several times… and this time the memory wasn’t painful! I didn’t run from it, sugar coat it, of have fear… this time I had tears of empathy for myself…. and it felt good to release it…. Yay me!

    “R” I called him last night after I sat still and waited on the answer… to make sure it wasn’t out of leaning forward… and realized I had let him believe I would call him after my class… so I did… it felt good… and he said, I was wondering if you were going to call ( b/c you said you would) and was going to call you, if I didn’t hear from you… ( next time, I’ll use my feeling messages to say, I feel good about you calling me).

    we talked 1.5 hrs… he said I feel like I hit a gold mine with you…. your beautiful, we have lots in common and your gluten free… he said do you realize how rare this is…..? That feels nice…

    “L” is still texting and calling…..

    I’m feeling good actually!

    I’m feeling freer than I have in a long time… I’m feeling happy and like a queen…

    I’ve come a long way baby, from the ugly duckling I was called as a child… to having even more self esteem… and feeling really sought after… nice! I would have never imagined being called a gold mine… or winning the lottery… feels nice.

    I’m curious to see which one of these men, if any of them, will step up to the plate…

    The great thing about being the pits of despair, is looking at it and then coming out the other end, which is beautiful!

    I’m so happy to be spending a Sat. night with myself tonight… it feels so good…

    OXOXO



  126.  #126Starla on August 24, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    Hi Ladies, I thought I’d check in with you and let you know about some very interesting developments in my love life.

    3 months ago, my bestest platonic guy friend in the whole world of 6 years told me he actually had feelings for me. And we have been dating ever since. It was kind of like an awful romantic comedy film transitioning into dating and not just friendship, but we did get there, and he is amazing to me and amazing to be around. It’s almost boring, except we’re never bored, and I know that boredom is the result of being with a man who is well-adjusted and all-around healthy. To me, love is supposed to be hard, like this article.



  127.  #127Olivia on August 24, 2013 at 5:57 pm

    Amy – I also really encourage you to read Rori’s book, and if it speaks to you in your heart, start practicing the “tools” and change will happen. You can discuss the new things that happen on the blog and the folks here will support you!
    Best of luck!



  128.  #128Medusa on August 24, 2013 at 6:18 pm

    Wow, Starla, congratulations! That is indeed an interesting development. So glad to hear that is happening. Having read your comments here from a while back, I have an idea of what your journey has been like. I feel happy for you.



  129.  #129Emerson on August 24, 2013 at 6:30 pm

    94 luzydel I’ve wondered the same thing about my own self…
    I like my independence…
    I hate heartache, like many I have been “hurt”
    I don’t want that horrible feeling ever again.
    I feel so afraid of it! I’m scared I will “die” if it happens again…

    I also like having a best friend, lover, supporter, etc…



  130.  #130Emerson on August 24, 2013 at 6:31 pm

    I have to decide which one i like better…
    Alone independence or being with a man who may hurt me



  131.  #131Zara on August 24, 2013 at 6:34 pm

    Amy

    Written by Rori Raye

    Have you ever found yourself in a relationship with a man where you’re doing EVERYTHING?
    All the planning, all the driving around, all the compromising?
    All the calling, all the arranging? (And if you don’t, you either don’t see him or hear from him at all, or he gets angry at YOU for not calling,driving, planning or arranging?)
    Where you’re initiating everything – affection, touching – even sex?
    And you start to feel like everything’s on his terms?
    I know first hand it doesn’t feel very good.
    It’s like being locked into something where you can never do enough, you can never do it well enough, what you do never gets noticed, and…well, you find yourself getting more and more frustrated, angry, and a little crazy.

    I remember feeling so locked in and invested and “in love” with some guy, I couldn’t see any other way to make it work but to just keep trying to make it work!
    You start feeling needy, and it’s hard to hide.
    I remember looking in the mirror and seeing myself looking almost desperate.
    I remember how every relationship felt like I was in a romance novel without the happy ending.
    I was either disinterested, or hopelessly caught up with a man who didn’t seem to care.
    I remember working so hard to hold onto a man and a relationship – doing everything I could to keep it going – only to have him dump me for another woman – sometimes right in front of me!
    I felt unloved, untouched and unlovable.
    And I beat myself up about it all the time.

    If you’ve ever felt that way, you know the thing most of us women do is to just try to keep it going.
    Sometimes we try to be as pleasant as possible, sometimes we get angry. Pretty soon we start feeling tired, drained, depressed – even sick! -and most of the time we don’t even have any idea why.
    It’s like we’ve stuffed all our deepest feelings so far down just to keep things going that we can’t even find them. Even when we’re alone.
    And it just wears you out.
    I’ve been there, and I know how much it hurts.
    But it didn’t have to be that way for me, and it doesn’t have to for you. If I turned my relationship around, with the little skills I had, you can, too.
    One of the most important concepts I talk about, and one you can use right now to turn things around the way I did (you can find the basics of it in Chapter 19 of my Have The Relationship You Want ebook) is called Overfunctioning.
    I use the word to describe that thing we do when we take over everything in the relationship that a man isn’t doing.
    It’s what we do when we TAKE UP THE SLACK.
    In the ebook, I walk you through how to stop Overfunctioning, and in Commitment Blueprint I walk you through and show you how to undo many more of the deadly things we women are taught to do that push men away.
    Here, I want to touch on some these things you can do RIGHT NOW to help yourself and begin to change your relationship around.

    First off, MEN SEE THINGS DIFFERENTLY than we women do.
    They don’t like it when we do stuff for them.
    They really do want to be our Princes, our Knights in Shining Armor. But most of us won’t LET them!
    We sort of push them away, tell them we can do it ourselves just fine, thank you.
    Or we let them do for us, but then we correct the way they do it, or how long it takes them.
    We’re so afraid of looking needy that we completely expose our neediness!
    By acting like we don’t need them, we demonstrate how desperately we DO need them.
    Telling them how strong we are is like shooting ourselves in the foot.
    It’s like telling a man we don’t think he’s good enough to do anything for us.
    IT’S MEN WHO NEED TO BE NEEDED, NOT US WOMEN.
    But most of us have turned that around.
    We’re so sure, on some deep, core belief level, that we’re not good enough, beautiful enough, sexy enough, anything enough for them to love us when we’re doing absolutely NOTHING, that we try to awe them with our wonderfulness and all the emotional gifts we give them.

    ***If you’d like help with self-esteem, confidence, feeling good about yourself, turning
    around negative thoughts, patterns and USING your emotions to reconnect with your man, try out my Reconnect Your Relationship CD set. It has Tools, concepts, information and SPECIFIC solutions to difficult situations that may be exactly like the one you’re in right now. Like each of my programs, Reconnect has a unique set of information and Tools***

    We say we’re looking for a good, manly guy, but when we find one, we quickly start telling him how strong and smart and capable we are, and showing him how we can have sex just like a man – without a qualifying commitment – and before we know it, we’ve turned a perfectly good prospective romantic partner into a buddy!
    Women ask me: “Are men intimidated by us if we’re smart and independent?”
    And I answer, “No!” Men love it when we’re smart, independent and powerful.
    They just don’t like it when we use our brains, independence and power to try to take charge of our relationships with them by being the one who’s in charge of doing all the giving.
    Part of being a good, manly man is liking the part about being in charge by doing things for us.
    And if that’s what you want, too, to be in charge by doing things for HIM, well then, he’ll turn you into a friend.
    Or he’ll back off, withdraw, act flaky, become irresponsible, and otherwise subconsciously punish you for trying to take control of him and the relationship.

    The weird thing is, most of us women were raised to take charge!
    We were raised to take care of everyone around us, to multi-task all the time, to both run companies and run countries.
    But no one told us how to RECEIVE all the goodies that someone else, a good, manly man, might choose to give to us.
    We were all taught how to say “Thank You,” but none of us were ever taught how to FEEL “Thank You.”
    We were taught how NOT to take compliments.
    We were taught how NOT to believe in ourselves- so that when some great man comes along and tells us how wonderful we are, we immediately don’t believe him, trust him, or even respect his judgment!
    It’s that old saying: “If he likes ME, there must be something wrong with him.”

    So how can we turn this around?
    We can start from the outside in, and learn to take compliments, feel “Thank You’s,” and stop telling men how smart we are and what they should be doing.
    Or, we can start from the inside out, and begin to believe in ourselves, and believe that we deserve to receive love even when we’re doing absolutely nothing.
    Or, and this is the Rori Raye way, we can do both.

    So, start here:
    First of all, you have to get aware of all the things that are going on in all your relationships and all your conversations from the outside in before you can change them.
    And then, you have to get aware of how you’re actually FEELING on the inside at EVERY MOMENT.
    In these eLetters, I talk about many different parts of the insides of ourselves: our minds, hearts and bodies, our self-esteem, the way we’re brought up to think and to talk, our expectations, how we’ve gotten so disappointed and discouraged we’ve sort of given up on our dreams, and how we can begin reversing it all.
    If you can begin to be aware, and to notice what you’re thinking, doing and saying, you’ll start to get exactly how all this works. You’ll start to notice when you talk to yourself in a negative way – like “Oh, I could never do that,” or “He’s much too good-looking, he’d never be interested in me.”
    This kind of self-talk is just plain lies.
    It’s made-up stuff so that we don’t have to take responsibility for our lives – both our love lives and our work and doing whatever really excites us in this world.

    And on the outside, you’ll start to notice when you’re talking negatively to a man.
    It doesn’t look like we think it does.
    It doesn’t always look like complaining or running a man down, or telling him directly what he’s doing wrong.
    Sometimes it just looks like suggestions, and helpful hints, and information-gathering and giving, and massages, and being understanding about why he’s doing and saying hurtful, neglectful things.
    Sometimes it looks like being nice.
    Sometimes it looks like being nurturing.
    But the effect is always the same.
    All that helpful niceness and giving feels to a man like he’s in a relationship with his mother (at the worst), or with his best friend (not much better).

    The easiest way to notice and be aware when you’re doing that is to notice what’s going on with him.
    If, when you say or do something, he grabs you, holds you, kisses you passionately and tells you he loves you, you’ve most likely expressed yourself in an open, vulnerable, feminine, compellingly attractive way.
    If, on the other hand, he steps back, puts his hands in his pockets, starts talking about business, or gets quiet, and quickly backs off into his office to play computer games, you can be pretty sure you’ve done or said things that have literally pushed him away.

    Once you’ve become aware of what’s really going on in the relationship, and how the way you’re speaking and being effects him, you’ll be able to start changing it almost instantly!

    I know you can do it. Here are 2 notes from Sharon, who was struggling with Overfunctioning and pushing her man away:
    “Dear Rori,
    “I got your book the other day. I could not BELIEVE what I read. You were describing me to a TEE! Let me elaborate just a bit.
    I was married 20 years. The last 5 years, I KNEW something was wrong. I knew he was unhappy and was pulling away from me, but I did NOT know how to rectify the situation. I did exactly what you said NOT to do. And, of course, he had an affair (or two). I was DEVASTATED… completely wiped out.
    Fast forward 3 years. I have been dating a wonderful man for about a year, and we are ready to step it up a bit as far as commitment goes, but there has been something wrong. Little by little, I see the behaviors in me that I had in my marriage.
    It came to a head Friday. He had taken the day off to clean his house top to bottom and prepare a wonderful meal for me (even a pie!). I was in such a controlling mode that I would not let him cook it. Finally after hinting and saying he wanted me to sit down and relax, he wanted to do something for me…he said I was “controlling.” This is exactly what my ex called me. Of course, I cry, we move on.. But it was THERE…
    Then Monday I got your book.. SOOO excited that I FINALLY get it! For 2 days, I have been doing everything you have said to do. Only 2 days. Today, he text messaged me twice and e-mailed saying he is miserable today missing me and wants to take me to the best French restaurant in town… and he is taking the afternoon off to fix my hot tub!
    I can really feel a wonderful change coming in my life. I will keep you posted on what happens. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.”

    And here’s the follow-up – within a week!:
    “Rori, I just HAD to share with you the e-mail I got today. *sigh* I KNOW deep in my heart that I am really on to something very powerful that has been such a hindrance in my life. I am so excited to see the great results just so far, and I can’t wait to see what the future holds.
    Here is the e-mail I got today from my boyfriend:
    ‘Good morning to the greatest ever. Last night and this morning were out of this world. You felt wonderful. I feel so into you, so in love with you.
    I hate to leave you but it’s only for a day. I can’t wait to get back home and be with you. Have a great day and know that I am thinking of you every minute. Going to leave in a few minutes.
    I love you SOOOOOOOOOOOO much. Carl’
    Rori, Have a wonderful day… You have certainly contributed to making my days a lot happier! Sincerely, Sharon, Texas”

    If Sharon can make this huge turnaround with just my ebook, imagine what you can do with Commitment Blueprint, where you can actually HEAR – and WATCH, too, if you choose the video version- real women work with me one-on-one to solve their painful and difficult situations by just TALKING with their men.



  132.  #132Emerson on August 24, 2013 at 6:37 pm

    My heart aches for Linda ronstadt…
    A reminder to enjoy life always…
    Never take for granted the things you enjoy…



  133.  #133Emerson on August 24, 2013 at 6:46 pm

    I feel fortunate to be resting after work and feeling peaceful.
    I also got some good news at work…



  134.  #134Lisa on August 24, 2013 at 7:56 pm

    @Zara

    Thanks for the post from Rori on overfunctioning…

    I was triggered:
    I’m reading this and then I feel sad…. my heart dropped!

    it makes me wonder ( I didn’t do all the things in the letter) how much of that I subconsciously did with “M”… and might have caused his passive/aggressive behavior… she mentions them punishing us etc…

    and it makes me wonder … if it might have worked… had I been able to do all the tools correctly.. all the time… why couldn’t I turn things around in 2 days…??

    then I also think… but he did want me to do the planning, he wanted me to cook for him ( but I rarely did), he wanted me to give to him, and he would mention when I wasn’t reciprocating and he did expect BJ’s everytime.. though never demanding and would be ok, if I said no… I’m so confused now….

    so I don’t know! I know he wanted to receive from me ( he made that clear in covert ways and then sometimes bluntly) b/c the other women had “taken advantage of his kindness and giving” in the past… and I gave, but sometimes it didn’t feel enough just like the letter said…

    uggg… this sucks… now that I’ve read this letter my heart is hurting… it triggered me..

    I feel sad, very sad… now so tired I need to sleep and now I’m wanting to cry…

    I feel hopeful about the new CD’s and was so happy tonight… dating myself…

    Now I want to cry…. maybe if I’d had the money for all the programs… it might have been different… da…m I feel sick …. about money… about not doing the tools better… wondering…

    I’m remembering the book attached and how he fit the entire profile of a man avoidant of intimacy… and no matter how I tried to work with him on the meditation he could never find a balance… that might have been “being understanding with bad behavior”? UGG

    I need to try and get back to being happy …. and how I was before the letter… when I was happy dating myself tonight… loving me…

    OXOXO



  135.  #135Millie on August 24, 2013 at 8:37 pm

    @Zara 128–Thank you for posting this!!!
    I am getting teary eyed with happiness and just emotion that I can put all of that behavior working against me behind me! I now move forward being the woman I want to be… So happy!!!!!!



  136.  #136Millie on August 24, 2013 at 8:38 pm

    Lisa, I am so happy for you! To hear of all the new men in your life, that must feel so good vs. what you had been going through previously! yay Lisa! 🙂



  137.  #137Millie on August 24, 2013 at 8:40 pm

    @Emerson 128- I LOVE Linda Ronstadt… so very sad..



  138.  #138Tereana on August 24, 2013 at 9:30 pm

    Lisa – I love your raining men! 🙂

    Emerson – I just saw your question in #84! : ) and it was so funny, because I was reading your posts, and thinking, hm, I have the same problem sometimes. Lol

    But actually, here is what I’ve come to believe, and I think Christian carter would back this up. I think, a lot of the time, a guy doesn’t even really know that himself, to start off. Some might. But I think, overall, it’s a discovery process. And I have to admit, I do the same thing sometimes!

    But you can also get a clear vibe from some guys, who are definitely “relationship-oriented,” or on the flip side, totally not.

    In a weird way to not answer the question, but want to share this anyway, because I thought one of the truest things I’ve ever read about how a guy works. I recently read an old column from Dave Barry, of all people, who randomly decided to write about it one day. Here’s what he wrote:

    “The basic question, of course, is: how come guys never call? …You go out with a guy, and you have a great time, and he seems to have a great time, and at the end of the evening, he says, ‘Can I call you?’ And you, interpreting this to mean ‘Can I call you?’, answer: ‘Sure!’

    The instant you say this, the guy’s body starts to dematerialize. Within a few seconds…he’s gone into the mysterious Guy Bermuda Triangle, where whole squadrons of your dates have disappeared over the years.

    Because when the guy asks if he can call you, what he is really asking you, in Guy Code, is will you marry him. Yes. See, your basic guy is into a straight-ahead, bottom-line kind of thought process that does not work nearly as well with the infinitely subtle complexities of human relationships as it does with calculating how much gravel is needed to cover a given driveway. So here’s what the guy is thinking: If he calls you, you’ll go out again, and you’ll probably have another great time, so you’ll probably go out again and have another great time, and so on until the only possible option will be to get married. This is classic Guy Logic.

    So when you say ‘Sure!’ In a bright, cheery voice, you may think you are simply indicating a willingness to go out again, but as far as he’s concerned you’re endorsing a lifetime of commitment that he is quite frankly not ready to make after one date, so he naturally decided he can never see you again.

    (You women think this is crazy, right? Whereas you guys out there are nodding your heads.)

    My advice for you single women is that if you’re on a date with a guy you like, and he asks whether he can call you, you should give him a non threatening answer, such as: ‘No.’

    Or: ‘I guess so, but bear in mind that I’m a nun.'”

    Dave Barry, everyone. circa 1990…



  139.  #139Zara on August 24, 2013 at 10:43 pm

    By Rori Raye

    Are you working too hard to BE in a relationship with a man you hope to meet, or with a man you’re already involved with and “invested” in?

    I know what that feels like, and I know how frustrating it can be.
    I also know how easy it is to start feeling resentful and confused about what to do – and then, without meaning to – actually push a man away and destroy all the promise in a date or a full-blown relationship.

    The whole, wonderful, fabulous thing about being a woman is that you’re ALREADY a MAGNET! Really, you are. You don’t have to do anything.

    In fact – it’s the DOING that gets us into trouble. It’s the thing we’ve all been taught to “do” with a man, and it’s the thing that just makes our attractiveness disappear. The harder we try, the less interested he is in us.

    That’s why I created my Modern Siren program – to help you rediscover the amazing POWER you have as a woman (truly an irresistibly attractive power) and help you USE that power – EFFORTLESSLY – to magnetically attract a man without having to work to make it happen.

    A man becomes attached to you because he feels safe and attracted to your energy. Modern Siren teaches you how to really get a man’s heart

    ___________________________
    What if you’re attracted to a man and he isn’t committing to you?
    He likes spending time with you, and you’re sleeping together, but each time things get too intense, he backs off, becomes distant, stops asking you out.
    What do you do?

    I know what I did – I worried and complained to my friends, and tried to ACT as if it was all okay and that I was “handling” things.
    I actually tried to make it seem like I was “okay” with being treated badly.
    Like I was “okay” with being introduced as a “friend,” and “okay” with not even being kissed or just TOUCHED once in an evening out with his “other” friends.

    It took me a long time to get that WANTING a REAL relationship – wanting a man to behave with me the way a man is SUPPOSED to behave with a woman he LIKES (let alone LOVES) was not a sign of WEAKNESS.

    It took me a long time to get that I DESERVED to be loved and FEEL loved.

    I don’t want you to have to go through that.
    It feels humiliating and horrible, and I want to give you what you need so you don’t go through it the way I did.

    So, if you pull away from a man who wants to be “friends,” without having more and more discussion about his point of view – is this running away?
    Is it selfish?
    Is it treating him as “disposable”?
    And of course – my resounding, big, loud answer to that is NO!

    The RIGHT way to treat a man who sleeps with you and then wants to be your “friend” is to say how you feel – “I feel feelings for you beyond friendship, and so I don’t want to be friends with you just now…and then DROP HIM COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR LIFE!

    So let’s talk about how to do this while you’re STILL being open and warm (no matter how angry you are, you can be warm and open and ANGRY all at the same time) – and USE this icky transition experience to GET you the man who will adore you and sweep you off your feet without you putting out any effort at all:

    Here’s a comment from Regina – it’s so powerful because it’s so at the core of all problems we women experience in love.

    “Rori, Please HELP. I am so lost and feel so alone. I have been dating Robert for 4 years and you could say we have lived together all this time. We both have our own place, but from the beginning he always wanted me with him. SO I came to his place every day after work and stayed there on weekends. I had a key to his place and he has one to mine. I would get off before him and he wanted me to come on over and make myself at home and wait for him.
    He always made sure he was home right after work and we would eat dinner and then he would help with the dishes and then we would sit together and watch TV or a movie. Then we would get up and shower together washing each others backs and making love afterward and then falling asleep in each others arms.

    It was the best 4 years of my life and on weekends when he had his kids we spent all the time together like a family. Then a month and a half ago out of the blue he started telling me he was going to go out with some guys from work and then he would come home to me very drunk.
    I would try to guilt him into not going. Which just made him mad at me. I know that was wrong. I finally just stopped since it didn’t help and then the parties stopped 4 weeks ago and then I woke up one morning a month ago for work and then he kissed me good bye like always and told me he loved me and would see me tonight for dinner.
    Then like clock work he called me around lunch time and while we were talking he just told me he wanted to break up and that he needed space. But he loved me and wanted to keep me in his life as his friend, because he sees me as his best friend.

    I was crushed and tried to make him change his mind. It didn’t work. Then a few days later he came by to fix some things he knew needed fixing and we talk and he asks if I was willing to be friends and to be exclusive sexually.
    I was desperate not to lose him, so I agreed. And I would see him every other night and he would come by, spend some time watching TV with me, holding me on the couch and kissing me and we would make love and he would stay for an hour or more and then kiss me good bye and go home.

    I know he went home because I would drive by and check a little later and also in the morning to make sure there wasn’t anyone else there.
    I haven’t found another car there and he is always home. Then the other night I saw him at a going-away party for a friend of ours and we ended up coming back to my place and making love and him sleeping over. I became curious and wondered if there was another woman and looked at his cell phone text messages and calls. ( only friends) He woke up and caught me and was so mad and left.

    I haven’t seen him for 3 days. And then I see him at the gym (we work out together once a week) and he showed up because he knew I needed help with the free weights. He played around with me some and gave me a few hugs, but he didn’t try to kiss me like he use to.

    Please Rori help me win him back. I know I shouldn’t have invaded his privacy but I was so desperate to know he wasn’t with another woman. I am so scared I lost him for good. Which is hard because I see him at the fire department we both volunteer at twice a week.
    I know he loves me because of what we have been through, but my insecurities keep messing things up, because I have been cheated on by an ex- husband and ex-fiance in my past. I desperately want to find a way for him to return and spend a life with him and his children. Regina”

    And here’s my answer – I’ll talk directly to Regina:

    Regina – you aren’t going to like this. It’s tough love, so don’t read if you don’t want to hear it.
    You’re in a “friends with benefits” situation, and you’ve been there a long, long time.
    The “losing” of him (if you ever actually “had” him, and I don’t believe you did) happened a long time ago.
    He’s long gone.

    Some men don’t need more than what he has with you right now. There may not be another woman. There may be many other women. There may not be another woman for years. Makes no difference. He may never be into ANY woman. He may frequent prostitutes for all you know. Every time you sleep with him you are physically endangering yourself (I hope you’re using condoms).

    Here’s what I want you to do, and if you decided to read this – know that I’m here to help you to stay strong:

    1. Drop him out of your life. Completely. NO CONTACT.
    This means – no gym unless you’re sure he’s not there – best thing to do is take a month’s free trial at another gym, perhaps some interesting dance classes, something new, but if you can’t, then make sure you go when he’s NOT going to be there.
    Same with the fire department. Take a month off, or make SURE he’s not going to be there.

    Yes – he will complain.
    He will show up on your doorstep. He will call you. He will try to belittle you, he will call you crazy, he will get angry, he will try to make your life hell until you start sleeping with him again and being his friend.
    You’re going to have to be very, very strong and tell him this:
    “I feel so bad, so vulnerable, so lost and sad. I feel like I haven’t taken care of myself. I can’t handle seeing you. It feels too bad. I can’t be your friend, and I don’t want to be your friend until I no longer feel attached to you. So please don’t call me again, or come over.”

    And if he DOES call, or shows up at your home I suggest strongly that you hang up the phone, slam the door before he says ANYTHING. If you need protection, call the police.
    Yes – I’m totally serious here.
    You are – (and I’m going to start a series about this, because I use this harsh terminology with my clients all the time – it’s very helpful to see it from this perspective) – you are a JUNKIE.
    He is like the needle you can’t wait to stick in your arm.
    You’re giving him your body, your heart, your friendship. And for what? For the thrill he gives you when he’s with you.
    Same with heroin.
    It makes you high, and then it destroys your life. But you can’t let go of wanting the “fix.” He is your “fix.”

    Regina – I want you to take a square look at what is really happening here – a “nice and friendly” version of the classic “booty call,” and then, I want you to….

    …DATE!

    Every single man who even looks at you kindly, I want you to smile back at him. I want you to take every invitation you get to anywhere. I want you out of the house and in the company of some man.
    I want you to experience what it feels like to be with a man who is not like heroin. Yeah, maybe a boring man, maybe a quiet man, maybe a not-so- sexy man, maybe a man you can’t or won’t fall in love with.

    This man is not toxic in himself. He may be a very nice man. But he’s heroin for you. There is no “easing out of this.” Cold turkey is your only option here.
    Please get started Circular Dating this minute.
    The Tools and the help you need to get how Circular Dating works, and all the details of HOW to do it — soup-to-nuts — take a look at my Targeting Mr. Right program.
    This is the most powerful Tool in your entire arsenal as a woman – Circular Dating is a way to use ALL my Rori Raye Tools to get you what you want in the fastest, easiest, most profound way.

    You need to get Circular Dating “down,” because if he ever should show up again and SAY that he wants more than friends with benefits – you can still be easily fooled.
    So you have to get yourself in a place where you are dating so many men, you can handle him being one of them, should you so choose.
    In my experience – when you get to that point you will no longer be interested in him.

    So – this is your plan. The first Rori Raye Tool is always around “Boundaries” – and right now, your body and heart must be “off limits” to him.

    Regina – if you decide to get on your own side, instead of working against yourself and your life – I KNOW you can do it. I KNOW you can have what you want.

    Your task is to rebuild your self-esteem in the company of men who WANT to be with you, who want to make you happy, who want to give you what YOU want.

    It’s very difficult to lift yourself up in the company of a man who always makes you feel bad.

    What’s going on for you here is something we’ve ALL been through. And now it’s ENOUGH. Enough is enough. Save yourself.

    This is about saying NO.

    EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE FULL INFORMATION.
    This is not about throwing things away, or belittling someone or yourself, or talking, or communicating, or arguing, or trying to understand, or giving someone the benefit of the doubt, or even getting into your feelings and expressing them.
    Those are all well and good – those are crucial, but they cannot happen until you can say NO.

    You cannot say Yes to ANYTHING until you can say No to something.

    Until you can say NO to what you don’t want, you can’t say Yes to what you do want.

    In fact, until you can say NO to what you don’t want, you can’t even KNOW what it is you DO want.

    And a woman who needs to check a man’s phone or computer is a person who cannot yet say NO.

    Before you can be able to CHOOSE a man – you have to be able to say No just because you don’t like where things are.

    Doesn’t have to be any more in-depth than that. You just don’t like it.

    In order to make all this work – to get past this experience and yet use it to become ever more irresistible and happy – you need to understand Circular Dating – how and why it works – and you need to DO it.
    Circular Dating is not about “dating.” It has to do with changing your life by changing your “vibe” – and the way to make that happen faster than you could have imagined before is all in my Targeting Mr. Right program.

    The last thing in the world you want – the one thing that will NEVER work for you – is to get “addicted” to one man. Hormonally addicted, emotionally addicted, psychologically addicted, even spiritually addicted.
    Targeting Mr. Right will give you the exact Tools to PREVENT that from happening – and if you’re stuck smack in the middle of an addiction to a man – “Targeting” will get you OUT of that situation – FAST.

    Here’s what Bethany said about Targeting Mr. Right:
    “Rori..I just got Targeting Mr. Right and have been listening all day with my mouth hanging open for most of it – this is your most powerful program yet…”
    The whole concept of Circular Dating can be jaw-dropping – and I know once you understand how you can easily USE every single interaction with a man (and actually CREATE those interactions in the Rori Raye, feminine, RECEIVING way) – to get yourself one step closer to the relationship you want – everything will change for you.

    Bethany told me more about the adventure she created for herself that first night of listening to Targeting Mr. Right (Bethany had been convinced there were no good men in her city, and had just about given up):
    “…when I got back in my car I couldn’t stop giggling; actually taking a tiny step forward in my Circular Dating plan felt kind of exhilarating…and there were some pretty attractive men there…”

    Let me know how it goes for you as you practice saying “No” to what you don’t like…

    Love, Rori



  140.  #140Zara on August 24, 2013 at 11:13 pm

    What IS a perfect man, anyway?

    If you believe you’ve ever had one, or have one in your mind, take out a piece of paper and write down the “qualities” you think made him “perfect” or WILL make him “perfect.”

    Now take a look at your list. Maybe you’ve written down things like “attractive (or even handsome), financially secure, sensitive, likes animals, generous…”

    Well, my Rules are this (actually – it’s just one Rule to start): It doesn’t matter what you’ve written on the list, or how good he looks on paper, or even how good he looks in real life. His qualities DON’T MATTER.

    The only thing that matters is this entry on your list: “When I’m with him, and even when I’m NOT with him – I feel loved, cared for, happy and secure. “ That’s it.

    Who he is and How he is mean nothing. How you FEEL with a man is ALL that counts. And I don’t mean how you feel about HIM. I don’t mean how much YOU love HIM, or how excited you feel, or how much “chemistry” there is, or how much “fun” you have together, or how great sex is, or how much you have “in common.” None of that means ANYTHING. We’re often devastatingly attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable or not mature enough to truly be in a committed, real relationship, and then end up literally devastated.

    The only thing that means anything is how you feel about YOURSELF in his presence.

    So take out your piece of paper and turn it over. Now write a list of how you want to FEEL about YOURSELF in your “perfect” RELATIONSHIP! (Remember – this is about the Relationship, not about the man.) Let me know how it feels to look at relationship this way, and we’ll talk more and more about how all this works.

    Love,

    Rori Raye



  141.  #141Emerson on August 24, 2013 at 11:16 pm

    Hey sirens ….I realized today that I’ve made it through some pretty low places…
    I survived…
    I don’t feel the “low” lows as much anymore….
    Is it becuse I don’t have a breakup residual that I’m coping with?
    Ya know what break ups really affect me so horribly
    I can admit that
    I’m a terrible breakup girl…
    I really suffer! We all do I guess?
    But I also pushed myself to evolve into a new person..



  142.  #142Zia on August 24, 2013 at 11:18 pm

    This came up on my FB feed today, and I really wanted to share. I remember there was a little bit of debate over a quote from EMK in a previous blog post, and this below is an example of how I feel that his work really compliments a lot of what we learn here:

    THE ONE FOR YOU *IS* OUT THERE

    There’s a man, one who wants you and treats you like your feet don’t touch the ground – if you’re out there, he’s out there.

    “There’s no one in my city who fits what I’m looking for” or “I need someone at least 10 years younger, here’s no one me age who can keep up with me” or maybe “There’s no one my age as mature as me, I need someone at least 10 years older.”

    I’m not saying that you’re wrong in thinking that the one who’s right for you isn’t out there…he’s there, you just haven’t met him yet.

    A lot of us think that we’re the exception, that there’s no one who will be that ideal fit, but I assure you there is one out there just waiting to give all his love, but hasn’t had the opportunity to do it yet.

    He won’t leave you wondering how he feels either. Men always do EXACTLY what they want and if they’re not giving you what you want they don’t want you bad enough.

    If there is one piece of advice I would give it’s this: The thing you should do to get the right guy is -nothing, just be yourself. He’ll find you.

    Picture yourself standing on a beach with your feet fixed in the sand and your arms outstretched waiting to receive love. That’s you. He’s about 20 yards away and he’s walking towards you. He’s walking and walking and you’re simply standing and waiting.

    You don’t do a thing to make it easier for him. If you make it easy – if you call him, work around his schedule, or accept his excuses you’re sending the message that you’re needy.

    Don’t make it harder either. You don’t walk the other way and hope that he chases you. Good guys don’t ‘chase ‘women.

    As a woman, you don’t have to do a thing. It’s so easy to be a women who’s dating. You simply be you most fabulous self and the right man will prove you’re the one, more than any other, for him.

    If he wants to call – he’ll call. If he wants to see you – he’ll see you. And if he wants to commit to you – he’ll commit to you. Your job is simply to choose the one you’re moved to say “Yes” to – and he should blow you away.

    Evan Marc Katz



  143.  #143Emerson on August 24, 2013 at 11:24 pm

    Thanks tereana and Millie for your comments to me.

    Hi Starla!!!!!!!!!!

    Tereana I don’t know if Indian guys are different..
    CutecityCD is the one who was still living with his ex but broken up when we met…
    I decided to hold off communication till aster he moved out.
    He moved and were back in touch.
    But things have kinda stalled…



  144.  #144Indigo on August 25, 2013 at 12:05 am

    It’s funny, when I think of a perfect man

    I don’t think of “handsome, financially secure, likes animals, generous, sensitive etc.” I don’t think of any of that.

    My biggest thing that qualifies a man to be perfect is “lets me be myself”. Followed by, is someone in whom I can rest and relax, and feel calm and content. This feeling of everything being calm and ok, and just being able to “be”, and that being beautiful, is so important to me.



  145.  #145Cris on August 25, 2013 at 1:01 am

    @Lisa what you write is so moving!
    @Tereana, your theory about if a man calls or not made me smile, sorry if it was not your intention but seems you have a great sense of humour 🙂



  146.  #146R.N.AmazingMe on August 25, 2013 at 1:46 am

    I really love reading all the inspiration and the benefit of the advice of so many different women. Different people, some complete opposite and are still able to come together and find common ground. I miss the blog… nothing slows u down like surgery on your neck so I am able to catch up. I usually just peak in and read some and vanish again. Love to vent and blow steam here though I been following Rori for over a year and remained a fan. I just have so much belief in what she helps women accomplish. I used to be like a Private detective and try to figure out the scam and who is behind it all. Is this all fake and made up.You know I am just one of the skeptics but in more pain than I knew or even was aware.So as I started attempting the solving of the mystery of who are you people??!! I realized I didn’t care, my reality was hitting me and I found a place to talk without judgement and a sense of acceptance. The first to tell me congrats and they knew i could do it on my nursing boards was the people here. I learned to love myself and not put a man’s needs before my own. I still am affectionate, a giver because i love to see people smile. I am so much more in tune with who I am and what I want in life and in love I feel powerful almost. I don’t think I am better than anyone or perfect, but I think I am Amazing. In the beginning I didn’t believe that naqme thaqt is why I picked it. AMAZING ME WAS MY GOAL and NOW IT IS A HONEST CORE BELIEF. I am still dealing with some life issues but hey that is LIFE right?



  147.  #147Millie on August 25, 2013 at 1:49 am

    Sometimes men are SO frustrating!
    Zia–thank you for 139
    I feel annoyed right now because I just hung out with a guy friend of mine who I used to date and still have a bit of chemistry with, but we have been friends for years, much longer than we have dated. He is a good man, he always treated me well, but I was not in a place at the time to accept it. Now…he doesn’t want a relationship and he talks all this crap about how he can’t be himself in a relationship, that women ask him too many questions and don’t let him be, that the life he wants for himself right now isn’t compatible with relationships. All that is fine if he wants to think that for now, but it DOES bother me because I don’t think all women are like how he is describing. I told him that maybe these were just the wrong women for him and not to give up on relationships entirely, just communicate what you want and need up front. I feel like his view on relationships is so dismal. He says he isn’t bitter, but I hear bitterness not hopefulness. I know he is attracted to me, but I tell him that I do not want FWB that what I want for myself is someone that can love all parts of me, not just the sexual part…I have definitely put a boundary down and am happy maintaining it, but I do feel a bit frustrated with him sometimes. I know there is nothing “I can do” but allow him to live his life how he chooses. I just know he is a good man with so much potential and it sucks that he has this attitude right now. He is ten yrs older than me and I told him that right now my attitude is so happy and hopeful and excited and it is hard to hear when older men sound so bitter and jaded about relationships. I feel idealistic and I want someone to feel that with me too, like it’s the best idea in the world! Not the worst….and they just “have to” bcuz that’s what people do. I feel disheartened after hanging out with him. That’s all.



  148.  #148Syreena on August 25, 2013 at 1:53 am

    Thanks for posting that Zara.
    Wanted to ask Rori what she thought of psychoanalysis and if anyone had done this? If so was is helpful?



  149.  #149R.N.AmazingMe on August 25, 2013 at 2:07 am

    Love life boring at the moment I need to CD and just get out more. I keep saying that but it’slike I feel disappointed so much by people in general i am like why bother. I don’t want to waste my time it is too precious so I spend it with my kids and family. So stubborn but it would take a lot to change my ways or adapt to someone elses.But it get lonely those awwww feel bad for self times, i dont have a man whaaaah!!! THEY ARE LESS AND LESS AND PASS PRETTY QUICK. oh and have to say this….We all have a lot of work to do on ourselves but what gives someone a right to judge and basically reword your life by opinionated crap on the internet or anywhere else through the eyes of someone other than yourself. I have a mirror so go get your own.



  150.  #150Syreena on August 25, 2013 at 4:16 am

    Milllie I feel intigued. What sort of things does he say about women and what they want? What is his experience and perspective?



  151.  #151Emerson on August 25, 2013 at 5:18 am

    Good morning sirens!



  152.  #152Sophie on August 25, 2013 at 5:35 am

    Hi Sirens!

    indigo – “Let’s me be myself” – yes how lovely! last night CDB said “thank you for being you” – that felt so great probably one of the nicest affirmations I’ve ever had 🙂 warm, fuzzy feelings mmmmm – It made me think about whether I give that back enough…loving people for who they are rather than who I’d like them to be more of…

    Millie – I come up against that a lot men who have had ‘negative’ experiences with women and then build their walls against us all – there are also women who do it (all men are such …. fill in the gap :)…if it feels negative to be around I move away – if I don’t mind being around it in time men can begin to slowly see beyond their self-made illusion I think with our behaviour but in my experience it takes tiiiiiimmmmmmmeeeeee 🙂

    Starla – hello! Lovely to see your post – I remember exchanging a bit with you last Summer…I hope you keep posting I would love to hear how it all continues…

    Lisa – loving the attention from men you have coming at you 🙂 more food for thought… couldn’t help thinking when you were posting about M and whether there was anything you could have done that they have to be ready too…i don’t think any manner of tools will work on a man if they’re just not in a place to receive it/open up – I don’t know about that maybe I’m wrong but we (as women) make ourselves wrong so often when we’re not…we’re wonderful just the way we are 🙂

    Syreena – I am a passionate advocate for psychotherapy as it has helped me transform myself and my life – it’s not for everyone though – it has been a long, fierce commitment to myself and my life and is very expensive but it is beyond huge how much I have changed through giving it to myself and how much it has supported me through incredibly challenging times

    xxx



  153.  #153Sophie on August 25, 2013 at 5:36 am

    Morning Emerson!



  154.  #154Millie on August 25, 2013 at 6:17 am

    @Syreena 145–

    Well, I know that in one of his past relationships he kind of “rescued” this woman who is also ten yrs younger than he is, like me. She had a lot of issues and was kind of broken. At first he liked that she came from the street like him, but the relationship was so volatile. She did things intentionally to hurt him. I also know that she didn’t really work, she knew how to get things from men easily, and he would buy her a lot of things and would get frustrated with her when all she did was sit on the couch. He told me he would come home from work and just want to have a beer and work on his cars and then because she hadn’t been doing anything all day would expect him to entertain her. He doesn’t understand why he can’t just do what he wants to do and the woman he is with has her own things to do and doesn’t “need” him all the time.

    After that he was with a woman significantly older than him. He liked her for her maturity, but she wanted more than he could give. Also sex is important to him and right now he says he just wants a girl that wants to come over and f*ck and I guess be so independent that she doesn’t ask for more. A girl who doesn’t see casual sex as compromising.



  155.  #155Millie on August 25, 2013 at 6:23 am

    @Syreena–

    He uses the example that if he was with a girl and wanted to go for a motorcycle ride at 2am, would that be ok with her. He says no, that behavior isn’t conducive for a relationship, a girl would not be cool with that and he wants the liberty to do what he wants instead of getting texts and calls of “where are you?” and “what are you doing?” constantly. I told him that sometimes when men withdraw like that with no communication women can feel insecure and those questions are just a reaction to that. I suggested next time he be up front with a woman about his needs and he seems to think that no woman would be ok with his taking space and needing that space.

    I feel like good communication would solve this and also the woman needs to feel secure and trust must be established.



  156.  #156BeLoved on August 25, 2013 at 6:42 am

    Lisa – was there some part of you wanting to be the exception to M’s “rule” of being passive aggressive?
    What I realized when I finally cut ties with T, was that everything I knew about him screamed “passive aggressive” and “emotional rapist”.
    He was like that before we were ever dating – we had hired him to do some consulting for our business and he would sit with us and get detailed descriptions of what we needed and never ever ever produce.
    I was naive and believed that he was just doing that because he didn’t like my business partner and once he and *I* were a couple, because *I* love him, he would be different.
    But he never was.
    I finally finally realized, he was not just PA with me, but with our close circle of friends who broke up and went our separate ways, with his landlord, his ex, his housemates, the girl at the counter at the airport.
    Also with feeling emotionally raped and that being the last straw for me…I suddenly realized, I knew a string of his exes and mutual friends who all said the same thing, they had felt emotionally raped by him. Not something people just go around saying about just anyone, right?
    Yet I believed, if I could just….be…something…
    better, kinder, more compassionate, GOOD enough,
    he wouldn’t turn that on ME!
    I related it to trying to win my father’s love – if I had only been more or less or something or someone completely different behaving completely differently, THEN he would really love me and treat me well. THEN I’d get that dangling love and relationship carrot! THEN I’d get the pony! (Because with so much sh!t piled up, there HAD to be a pony around SOMEWHERE!!! 🙂 )

    Uh…yeah…over it.



  157.  #157BeLoved on August 25, 2013 at 6:43 am

    “The woman who marries the passive aggressive man was taught in her family of origin to accept a high level of frustration for a minimal level of love and caring.”

    http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/a/passiveaggressivehusband.htm



  158.  #158BeLoved on August 25, 2013 at 7:08 am

    I actually jogged some intervals yesterday and this morning.
    It felt AWESOME.
    I felt amazed and surprised, because I’m over 200lbs. and even when I was in training and fit, jogging always felt like PAIN and TORTURE.
    For some reason, some how, I felt light and it felt easy, none of the old achy and torture feelings. Especially amazing was that I didn’t feel uncomfortable in the mid-day 90degree + heat and humidity. Again, something that used to feel like torture, just felt…good. Movement. Yum!

    I do feel grateful that the parting gifts from T were two things – getting me in touch with the feeling of “trust” in my heart, and getting me in touch with “raped” and “stuck/paralyzed/frozen” feelings.
    Without Rori, I don’t know that I would have known to sink into the ‘stuckness’.
    Right around where I felt stuck in my belly, I had an ulcer, a stuck gallstone, spasms, it felt like my diaphragm was stuck and hard to breathe, it was hot to the touch even.
    Now it just feels free and open. I felt comfortable getting my cardio up to gasping for air, where before I felt like I might die or fall over or something Bad was going to happen.

    I was feeling a lot of stuff while I was out on the track – feeling anger, then feeling laughter.
    I never thought I’d be one of those women saying, ‘I gave him the best years of my life!!!”
    It made me laugh 🙂
    I realized just how many other women have felt, feel, and will feel this way, which made me feel more connected to life. Less “different” and “special”, more “regular person”-like. I lived a cliche’! Now maybe I get to live the “survivor-to-thriver” story, too.



  159.  #159Sophie on August 25, 2013 at 8:51 am

    I love your post Beloved – I love the liberation you are feeling in your body and your emotional world and I love how you shared the feeling of being connected to others by realising the sameness (music does that for me) and I loved how you were able to laugh 🙂



  160.  #160MovingMagic on August 25, 2013 at 10:26 am

    As I go teach yoga on a stand up paddle board my thoughts are on trust. Trusting my body, my intuition, my ability to teach, connect & relate. It goes deeper than that though. Trusting my choices, my journey & inner wisdom. Trusting when to walk away/when to stay. Trusting myself to have a beautiful relationship with myself, the universe & world around me. Trust is such a beautiful thing.



  161.  #161Smile on August 25, 2013 at 11:46 am

    Hi sirens I’d love your feedback please about how I’ve handled this.

    So amb and I are going amazingly. He really brings out the glitter and sparkle in me.
    We’ve shared the most amazing day and now he’s gone to work. We’ve been playing a game which has been soooo much fun. We’ve laughed till our sides hurt and flirted and its been fun.
    We’ve been together for nearly 9months now and are exclusive.
    In my newsfeed in Facebook it came up that he has asked another woman to play this game to. I can see in her profile picture she is with someone and I think they just work together but I told him I felt sad and gutted to see that come up in my newsfeed and that I was having a lot of fun playing it with him.
    I choose trust. That’s not the issue it’s just it felt special playing it with him and now I feel like its not just is two like someone else is in on it?
    How do you think I’ve handled it?



  162.  #162Smile on August 25, 2013 at 11:48 am

    Re 156

    He’s said not to be sad or jealous. I’m still his number one and that he loves me very much.



  163.  #163Indigo on August 25, 2013 at 11:52 am

    Smile,

    I know that feeling.

    For what it’s worth, I think you handled it just fine.

    You said how you felt without making him wrong, and then you left it at that and chose trust. No better way to handle it, in my opinion.

    xx



  164.  #164Smile on August 25, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    Thank you indigo 🙂
    All is fine, he was really upset he made me sad. He was just trying to get his work mates in on the fun too.
    I love how you summed up the communication, I felt a little proud of myself 🙂 now I feel reassured he’s not going to pull away at the first sign of something that makes me feel jealous. I feel grateful I can come here when I feel that way.

    Thank you!



  165.  #165Starla on August 25, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    I have a “siren” fb account for anyone who’d like to connect there. My name there is Starla Stardustky and my profile picture is a colorful spiritual graphic.

    It’s pronounced “Star-doooost-kee”. It’s Polish. lol jk. FB didn’t believe “Starla Stardust” was a real name, so I had to add some letters. Go figure.



  166.  #166prplpsn28 on August 25, 2013 at 1:32 pm

    Just signing onto the new thread. I’m extremely behind with the blog. Will try to catch up. I did see something about “normal” being someone who does not take drugs. (Being prescription drugs) I don’t think that necessarily deams a person “not normal”.



  167.  #167Lisa on August 25, 2013 at 2:46 pm

    @Beloved! I know I posted that myself the woman that marries a passive aggressive man is taught to accept a high level of frustration… Touche’

    Your right b/c now that my trigger is gone..”M” did that to his last gf… he broke up with her b/c he told her she wasn’t being respectful enough and gave her 1 mo to adjust and when she didn’t he broke it off and then 3 days later left a note on her door saying how he was losing someone he cared for… then she called him to ask him back… yada yada… he told me he purposfully waited 3 days to call her back b/c he wanted to make sure it was on “his terms” he said that a lot “his terms” so your correct… it must have been a prior pattern..

    That is the thing with Rori’s work… it is so delicate… you don’t know if it is you causing the behaviors due to masculine behaviors or if it is their “pattern” … it can be so confusing at times…

    The thing is Marc E K… is right and so if Rori… if it is the Right man he will make it known… there won’t be any ambiguity…

    I have to remember that men will do most anything to win you, b/c of the competition.. then I have to decide if that is the “real” him or not…

    I’m loving all this attention too Sophie and I’m also really open to more men coming towards me… I noticed today in the health food store…. men perking up and making eye contact… I just love it!! and I deserve it after all the years of feeling ugly and unlovable… I’m certainly in my prime now… and I’m soaking it up! it feels good to feel beautiful and lovable and persuadable…

    Now if it could rain money that would be so great! Then I could really work the tools and feel out from under people’s thumb about finances… hopefully it will intertwine…

    OXOXO



  168.  #168Lisa on August 25, 2013 at 2:48 pm

    I’m deciding to accept low level of frustration (or no frustration) for high level of caring and love! YEP!

    <3



  169.  #169Lisa on August 25, 2013 at 2:59 pm

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=geC2gHZ6m2g

    It’s raining men, I’m gonna go out and get wet… LOL!

    <3



  170.  #170Zia on August 25, 2013 at 3:47 pm

    Sat night I went out to a football game, with my sis and our kids. I’d already decided beforehand that I’d speak with one person there and I did (he had two kids himself). Turns out he’s separated. I gave him my card and he’s been texting me since, we were speaking about a playdate for the kids (his girls are gorgeous) but couldn’t tee something up soon so he asked me out for lunch instead.

    Nice guy but only recently separated. I see it as a good way to meet someone new and practice being around nice men. Also going out with a guy I’ve been friends with for a long time on Friday night. So, still getting out there even though no sparks are happening!



  171.  #171Emerson on August 25, 2013 at 4:59 pm

    Sirens I’ve been feeling piney for cutecityCD and really need some more CDs!!
    I’m curious how some of you have met CDs?!



  172.  #172Lisa on August 25, 2013 at 6:49 pm

    @Beloved

    the more I read your post, the more I see my ( as I had already seen it long time ago) dangling carrot….

    “M” and I talked about his dangling carrot… wanting women that didn’t want him… duh… I wanted him… so, it wasn’t as attractive to him… he liked the chase…the distance… once the chase was over, the distance was gone… no more dangling carrot.

    Someone told me once… that my father loved me like a princess and then turned around and then hated me… so that is what I grew up with… extremes… though the princess part is suppose to be there from a father for his daughter… but my dad only loved me like a princess until I was about 5 or 6… and then from then on, I was just a servant in the house…

    I do ( realized this months ago) think I’m still trying to get a man to fill that space my dad never will…

    and maybe some part of me… attracts men like this so that I can be the princess for a short while and then have a dangling carrot and me chasing after every tiny bit of love and affection I can, b/c I’m hooked… like I did with my DAD… I wanted that princess status back… and it never came…

    and not to step on toes again! Here I’m only speaking from my experience ( and everyone is different) my Dad’s mental health issues that was to be expected… I understand that now, I didn’t most all of my life…

    How the hell do I stop attracting those type men…

    I don’t know if “M” was PA with other people… but he did seem to have an issue with needing to “control” having things on “his terms” as he said… I suspect though that since his father had major control issues with women “M’s” words not mine… that he has as well… (we take on our parents stuff)

    now that I’m typing this out… I remembering the book “attached” where it says that the dance thing is very attractive to avoidant men… women that are busy and hard to get…… they tend to want that… it’s distance!

    I’m trying to figure out how to use Rori’s tools, without leaning back too far and attracting men that like women that lean back a lot… I can let a man chase me, no problem, but!!!! if he chases me and that is what he likes is distance, then I’m just spent a lot of time leaning back for the wrong man….

    I like the attached book b/c it differentiates how a Secure man will be “not wanting to play games” as opposed to a avoidant man who likes the chase, and likes the games…

    hard really to use the tools and not use them to attract the wrong type of man… ugggg….

    Thanks!!!

    OXOXO



  173.  #173Syreena on August 25, 2013 at 6:58 pm

    Thanks for sharing Millie.

    Sounds awful to me. Just someone who does as he pleases and the woman is there to F88888kc all on his terms. Without any concern for what the woman wants or needs.



  174.  #174Syreena on August 25, 2013 at 7:03 pm

    He is right he knows he doesn’t want a realtionship at the moment. He isn’t ready. It feels good that he is being honest.



  175.  #175Syreena on August 25, 2013 at 7:11 pm

    Beloved 152, that made me cry. How very true..



  176.  #176Millie on August 25, 2013 at 7:22 pm

    @168 Syreena–

    Yes, it does feel good he can be honest with me. I like our friendship but he does seem to want to cross the line with him, which only makes me uphold it more. I feel like I don’t want to talk about relationships with him anymore, we can agree to disagree about it, and just be in our own places in life. It is just hard to hear a man speak so lowly about relationships and women as I am venturing into new avenues, choosing relationship, and choosing to be a strong and soft siren. I left last night feeling a bit exhausted…I wonder if there is anything I can shift with my vibe to improve the energy between us…



  177.  #177Lisa on August 25, 2013 at 7:38 pm

    LOL! I just had a 27 year old want to go out with me…. he is my oldest child’s age… funny! He said your gorgeous and age is just a number and I love older women…

    I had a 31 year old tonight also….

    Ok I need it to rain men that are datable….

    this is a big ego boost… but not going to date someone my daughter’s age…

    I’ve been out with 2 32 year olds… one of which I had sex with… b/c I thought he was 40 LOL! it lasted 1 month and then I couldn’t continue! That was last year…

    I’m not wanting a fling…. those come way easy…

    It would be nice if a great man that is emotionally available would come that easy….

    OXOX



  178.  #178Emerson on August 25, 2013 at 9:30 pm

    Ugh I’m feeling very frustrated wanting to meet some new men….



  179.  #179Zara on August 25, 2013 at 9:59 pm

    Lisa

    *****the dance thing is very attractive to avoidant men… women that are busy and hard to get…… they tend to want that… it’s distance!

    I’m trying to figure out how to use Rori’s tools, without leaning back too far and attracting men that like women that lean back a lot… I can let a man chase me, no problem, but!!!! if he chases me and that is what he likes is distance, then I’m just spent a lot of time leaning back for the wrong man….

    I like the attached book b/c it differentiates how a Secure man will be “not wanting to play games” as opposed to a avoidant man who likes the chase, and likes the games…

    hard really to use the tools and not use them to attract the wrong type of man… ugggg….*****

    ________________________________

    There is no chase with the tools.

    A man asks you out, you accept warmly. If you are busy the day he wants to meet you, you give him a couple of other days suitable for you . You don’t play games with him.

    You accept gladly all his dates unless you have already scheduled something important.
    The men good for you are the men who plan the second date at the end of the first one. They call every day, they meet you more and more often. They plan all their free time with you. You are the one who can’t keep up and who has to say “sorry, I am already booked”. You are not the one who pines and waits anymore. They do what they say and they say what they do.

    With the tools there is no danger you get stuck with a distant man.
    You don’t keep void space for distant men.
    When a man is distant, the tools wave him good bye.
    You don’t notice he is missing because you are busy dating other men. So you don’t fall in his game and you don’t chase him. You don’t text nor call nor pine. You get on with your life.
    If he comes back, chances are you have no slot for him in your rotation, you already got yourself a new man to replace him in the rotation.
    Remember to keep the rotation going. A minimum of 3 men, no less. You replace the men as they poof. You don’t spend hours wondering why they poof. If a poofer comes back and asks you out on a day you happen to be free, you can use the opportunity to keep warm and open while experimenting saying NO or you can accept to meet him for the experience to learn always more about men.
    With no investing. They are all just dates.
    Use them to learn to speak up while being warm and open, to observe your own feelings morphing, to learn about yourself.

    You don’t stop dating your rotation on the account you have a crush on one of them.
    Good for you if you have a crush, but it means nothing. He might not end up being good for you or he might poof.
    Let all of them reveal themselves, keep accepting dates from all of them until you are proposed to (if you want to get married) and you feel good and beautiful with him and you are happy with his proposal.
    Don’t accept exclusivity before you get what you want. Don’t accept a man who does not think the world of you. The man you accept must be 100% into you, in words and ACTIONS! You feel good with him. You feel beautiful and worthy.

    Don’t change your dates to favorite one over another. The first man who books your evening gets your evening.
    Don’t fall thinking you should keep Saturday free for your favorite in case he calls. That defeats circular dating. It is leaning forward. Lowers your vibe.
    The tools protect you from working at keeping a distant man and waiting for his good will.

    At some stage you will have a couple of men (or more) keeping all your free time booked, so you’ll know they really want you.
    They are not chasing you because you are not running away from them. Running away from a man and yet dating him is unealthy as is chasing a woman.
    They are courting you and you are welcoming the courtship. They feel welcomed, they don’t feel you are looking for a way to run away.
    They are healthy, it would not occurred to them to waste time, energy and self esteem in chasing a woman.
    They are not playing, when they fall in love with you, they really want to spend as much time as possible with you and so they book you up. The result being you end up not having more space for the others.

    Yet be carefull don’t let any of them book you out of your rotation before you know for sure you twoo will marry each other.. He might be consistent, and booking up all your free time and be good to you and yet not want marriage. Don’t drop your rotation before you have accepted a mariage proposal and he has given proof he can actually do what he wants to do. (wedding dates or house down payment for exemple).

    You do NOTHING. You receive and enjoy and express gratitude.
    When a man distances himself, he weeds himself out since you do nothing to lean towards him and fetch him back. And you don’t wait for him either.
    Distant men can not stick around you when you do nothing. Only healthy men will do the work it takes to call, plan, pamper, compliment, cherish, give, nurture wanting to see you happy as their only payment. Because it is not work for them, it is their mission to see you happy. They feel happy that you feel happy.

    You have not been attracting distant men more than the other men. You are a men magnet. All types of men gravitate around you. What happens is that among all the men attracted to you, you chose to grab the distant ones. You work at keeping them.

    Now you will not grab a man anymore. You will do NOTHING. It is fool proof. Only a healthy man in love will court you with success.

    xxx



  180.  #180Indigo on August 25, 2013 at 10:01 pm

    Sophie 147

    I love that! That sounds so lovely 🙂



  181.  #181Zia on August 25, 2013 at 10:18 pm

    Emerson – in 6 months I haven’t met a single guy I want to date more than once, I wish I knew the answer too. Though I have been out with about 15 different guys on first dates so I suppose that counts as CDing



  182.  #182Millie on August 25, 2013 at 10:20 pm

    Zara I loved reading that post!
    The end rings so true, we often wonder why we attract certain types of men, but I see now that those are the men I choose to see. It makes so much sense! I really want a dating rotation. Last weekend I went on a date and I it was a really great date, but he didn’t schedule a second one. I met another man out swing dancing who invited me to lunch today and to be his partner for dance class. It was nice being with someone who isn’t really my “type” but seems to be a good man with his shit together. I don’t feel it was a date, but we are meeting up to dance this week. It feels good to have a dance partner to go places with.
    Other than that–Bring on the dates…I’m ready!!



  183.  #183Millie on August 25, 2013 at 10:24 pm

    @147 Sophie–

    I do feel a bit drained when he and I delve too much into relationship conversation. It comes down to he wants what he wants and I want what I want and we have a chemistry, but clearly we don’t want the same thing right now. I feel like, if he was into me…he’d step up, otherwise all this other talk and flirtation is an attempt to get me into bed. Not ok….
    So, I may lean back in the friendship for awhile.



  184.  #184Millie on August 25, 2013 at 10:26 pm

    Zia–Why did you not want to go on a second date with any of them? Did they not ask you??



  185.  #185Zia on August 25, 2013 at 10:54 pm

    Millie – they did, I just felt zero attraction to them. I didn’t want to lead them on when I wasn’t interested.



  186.  #186Zara on August 25, 2013 at 10:55 pm

    Unless you feel like vomiting, do accept a second date with a decent man if the man asks for it. It is the whole point of Cdating. Experiment out of our comfort zone, trusting we will be fine and with no agenda to manipulate the date into a relationship.

    It might take an average of 3 dates for a man to pass our brain barrier that disqualified him. Specially women addicted to an ex or with an history of toxic relationships.

    After the 3 dates you can drop him if your brain has not switched to curiosity about him. Curiosity is enough to accept a 4th date. Your brain is healing.

    Better feelings start stepping in from there.

    xxx



  187.  #187Zia on August 25, 2013 at 10:55 pm

    Millie – there were about three that I did go on a second date with, but I wasn’t super keen (figured I’d give it a go regardless). It just confirmed I wasn’t interested.



  188.  #188Zia on August 25, 2013 at 10:57 pm

    Zara – I get that notion, but I get all worried about him wanting to kiss me when I don’t want to kiss him. Which is why I don’t go past 2 if I don’t feel interested. I’m still in the experimental phase right now… not feeling attraction to any men, any where, but still going on dates if I get asked by someone who is nice enough.



  189.  #189Zia on August 25, 2013 at 10:59 pm

    Also, being a single mum I find it hard enough to drum up enthusiasm get a baby sitter organised and go on a date, it’s even harder when it’s with someone I don’t feel any attraction to whatsoever.



  190.  #190Zia on August 25, 2013 at 11:00 pm

    I will point out that these have primarily been from online dating. It’s a little different if it’s someone I’ve met out somewhere and have given my number to, because there was enough there for me to give my number so it would be worth going on a few dates with.



  191.  #191Tereana on August 26, 2013 at 12:09 am

    Haha! Cris, I wish I wrote that, but I didn’t! That was written by a dude. And it was Dave Barry, a professional humor writer : ) it’s amazing the kind of truth you can get to through humor, though. I think that’s why I liked it 🙂

    Emerson – I don’t know if Indian guys are “different.” I might say, from my experience, that they tend to fall more on the extremes of the spectrum. And when you think about Indian men, you have to consider the culture as well, because it’s very strong for Indian families. The culture tends to promote the ideal of marriage. And for many, it’s still a very common thing to ask for an arranged marriage. They WANT to get married, and often they are made to feel bad if they’re not “hitched up” by age 25 or so. Some will tend to reject this idea, but still feel the pressure that they “should” be married. Some will rebel even more. And even though thre is still some sense that women are supposed to be virginal or something, there are some looser ideas about sex for men. Although many don’t lose their virginity until well into their twenties.

    So what am I trying to say? I would say, yeah, they’re different. But it’s more about the culture and how they respond to it. Or just about their stage of life (and this could be any guy). I find them to be both strongly on the sexual side and also relationship oriented. This is what I meant about “discovery.” And I literally haven’t met one Indian guy that is exactly like another. There’s no way to really generalize. They are all really unique as individuals. And I like that.

    It should be a process of discovery for you (ie all of us) as well. We really don’t know until we get there.

    But I think your decision sounds good. If you’re not sure about where he’s at, then he probably isn’t, either.

    And speaking of Indian guys, I never did hear from my guy in the park. I kind of wished he’d looked me up on Facebook or something, but he didn’t. Alas. It was a fun time, anyway. He was cute, and it felt feminine and fun to talk to him. He had nice eyes. I remember that. Just excited and full of life.

    Sorry for the wicked long notes! I’m in a writing mood, I gues….



  192.  #192Tereana on August 26, 2013 at 12:11 am

    This is crazy that I’m up. I need to sleep for work!!



  193.  #193Tereana on August 26, 2013 at 12:21 am

    Well, since I’m up, I just wanted to share an insight that I had, which falls in nicely with the theme of Rori’s post here.

    Because I was doing a puzzle recently, which I haven’t done in a long time. And as I did it, I noticed how it felt when there were two pieces that almost fit together, but didn’t. They looked like they should go together, but it wasn’t quite right. You could keep trying and out them together anyway, burb something was just a little off. It felt frustrating. Like when you are trying to get along with someone and it doesn’t quite “work,” even if you think it “should.”

    And by contrast, putting two pieces together that were actually a correct match felt like almost nothing. There was no struggle. No sensation of “trying” to make it work. In fact, they fit so loosely that you could put then together and take them apart easily. But that easiness, that lack of sensation, was really the indication of them being the right pieces to go together.

    It’s the same with relationships. We can get addicted to that sensation of “trying” to get ourselves to fit with another. But it’s just not going to work if it’s not a right match. And when it does work, we’ll barely even notice, because it will seem so “easy.” We’ll miss the pain and frustration and think that nothing happened. And that’s exactly why it’s right.

    And that, Cris, is my own theory. Totally original ; )



  194.  #194Cris on August 26, 2013 at 12:41 am

    :-)Tereana… not sure if I agree fully … no room for emotion and mistery then? hugs



  195.  #195Zara on August 26, 2013 at 1:38 am

    Oh my! I am laughing and at the same time I feel sorry.

    Post titled “What an UNbelievable JERK!” on OKCupid forum.
    http://www.okcupid.com/forum?low=1&tid=7223997838631196585

    xxx



  196.  #196Zara on August 26, 2013 at 2:11 am

    Testing

    OKCupid



  197.  #197Zara on August 26, 2013 at 2:12 am

    Testing

    Jerk



  198.  #198Zara on August 26, 2013 at 2:14 am

    Testing
    Google



  199.  #199Zara on August 26, 2013 at 2:15 am

    I don’t seem to be able to post links, but if you copy the following line:

    OkCupid | Forum / Success – Failure / What an UNbelievable JERK

    and you past it in the google search bar, the link to the dating forum will come up in the results.
    It’s worth the read.
    I am laughing and at the same time I feel sorry.

    xxx



  200.  #200Zara on August 26, 2013 at 2:27 am

    I don’t seem to be able to post links, but if you copy the following line:

    OkCupid Forum Success – Failure What an UNbelievable JERK

    and you past it in the google search bar, the link to the dating forum will come up in the results.
    It’s worth the read.
    I am laughing and at the same time I feel sorry.

    xxx



  201.  #201Zara on August 26, 2013 at 2:31 am

    1
    My posts don’t go through again
    Anyway… Was trying to point to a funny thread.
    In the Google search bar, type the following words



  202.  #202Zara on August 26, 2013 at 2:32 am

    2
    OkCupid Forum



  203.  #203Zara on August 26, 2013 at 2:32 am

    2
    OKCupid



  204.  #204Zara on August 26, 2013 at 2:33 am

    3
    Forum



  205.  #205Zara on August 26, 2013 at 2:34 am

    OkCupid Success – Failure What an UNbelievable JERK



  206.  #206Zara on August 26, 2013 at 2:38 am

    Oh! it is the word F*o*r*u*m that blocked my previous posts

    ???

    xxx



  207.  #207Zara on August 26, 2013 at 2:56 am

    So, in the google search bar, paste the following line:

    OkCupid | Success – Failure / What an UNbelievable JERK

    The link to OKCupid for*um will show in the search results, click on it and enjoy the read 🙂

    xxx



  208.  #208Zara on August 26, 2013 at 2:59 am

    Or the link itself is:

    http://www.okcupid.com/for *um?low=1&tid=985509370493698084

    delete the * for the link to work.

    xxx



  209.  #209Zara on August 26, 2013 at 3:04 am

    hmmm sorry, post 198 is the man’s answer.

    Her first testimony is here

    http://www.okcupid.com/for*um?low=1&tid=7223997838631196585

    delete * for the link to work

    xxx



  210.  #210Frannie on August 26, 2013 at 5:10 am

    Good Morning ladies – this post really struck a chord with me. I’ve been going through a similar situation. My (now) ex-boyfriend is an alcoholic (haven’t watched the toxic men program but i’m sure he falls into there), and I found out that he has been messaging other women online for months. I also found out that he “met” someone in rehab that he “connected” with. He sent her an email that said “I can’t wait to hold you again”.

    Now of course my head is telling me to run, screaming in the opposite direction, but my heart just won’t let go. I don’t know why I keep attracting these men who are all wrong for me, or why I don’t love myself anymore.

    Looking back, I realize that not everything that went wrong in our relationship was due to his drinking – most of it was, but not all. I was definitely doing things to push him away.

    I asked him why he kept telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me, all the while messaging other women. He said that he was unhappy. I asked why he didn’t just break up with me if he was unhappy…he said he was confused.

    All I have ever wanted, for my whole life, is to feel loved. Not just to be loved, but to feel loved. That was how it was in the beginning, I could feel how much he loved me. Not so much recently. I know a lot of it has to do with the alcoholism, but I’m sure it’s plenty my fault too.

    That’s another thing, why do I always assume responsibility for everything? I find myself always apologizing for things that aren’t really my fault. People have been telling me for years that I too am a catch, and any man would be lucky to have me…why don’t I believe it about myself?

    And another thing, if I’m such a catch, then why doesn’t this guy want to be with me?

    I feel exactly how the original poster feels, I do not want to be “the girl who gets away” anymore. I want to be the girl who is loved and knows she is loved.

    I honestly don’t have too much support with this situation. I don’t really have anyone to talk to. I finally got approved for health insurance, so I will be going next week to talk to a therapist. I obviously have some issues I need to deal with.

    I don’t want to choose the wrong men anymore. I want to love myself again. I don’t want to push people away. I want to feel happy and laugh and dance again. I don’t want to immediately have trust issues with the next guy I meet.

    The last piece of the puzzle is that I am a single parent with a 3 year old son. He is my world and I would do anything for him. He misses my ex and talks about him sometimes. I want to make sure that I don’t “damage” him in any way (mentally or emotionally) since I’m such a mess. Also, I don’t have a lot of money for babysitters so it’s hard for me to get out and do things. I don’t have any single girlfriends either… I just feel pretty hopeless right now.

    Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.



  211.  #211Frannie on August 26, 2013 at 5:19 am

    One other question…what is wrong with me that I miss this guy so much and would take him back if he called? My head says “no way!!”… If he called, I would cave in for sure. Why??



  212.  #212Lisa on August 26, 2013 at 5:48 am

    @Zara

    I get what your saying about distant men and avoidant patterns… I get that the tools work that way…

    I think though that that was my point. A truly busy woman isn’t playing games… I didn’t mention games… I don’t play games… and I don’t date men that play games…

    A truly busy woman that is busy dating other men and going happily with her life is what an avoidant man ( or men with that type tendencies) likes… a woman that they have to wait to book a date with. That was exactly my point. He isn’t distant, yet! Why b/c your dating other men, and busy living your life to the fullest. The distance doesn’t show up until later when he books up all your time… and your available to see him….

    I have worked the tools, I know that. I was booked up eventually by “M”. He pursued me… chased me whatever term one might use… he knew other men were doing the same… when he booked me up at 4 days a week, all of the sudden then it showed up… after he had already been saying I was the “One” he was talking marriage. He is the one that ask for the standing days a week with me. I had nothing to do with it. It hit him then, that he had persued me, and now I was available 4 days a week for him. Until then he was busy getting me.

    I have to say that what you posted is exactly what is attractive to a insecure man that isn’t wanting a more available woman.

    I didn’t have to do anything, I don’t pine over men and I don’t call them or ask them out… that isn’t my style, and I’ve never really had to. So it feels uncomfortable for me, to even think about picking up the phone to call a man…

    “You don’t notice he is distant b/c you are busy dating other men”. exactly my point! That is what I meant… they like that.

    I always accept warmly and they do book you up in advance. I get that.

    I don’t agree on the calling every day. But they let you know they are thinking about you. But it isn’t uncommon for a man to ( good man or not) let a couple of days go by before calling or contact. They need space. I do too!

    The dance is when you have to start leaning back ( paying attention to how far and how long and how often you have to lean back), they like that too. It takes the intimacy away for a short while and then they feel relief. That is when I need to pay attention, when I feel distance being created, instead of intimacy created, and a continual increase of intimacy. It’s very finite and hard to really see – it’s very covert and they don’t even know they are doing it… But as a woman I can feel it! That’s my experience…

    OXOX



  213.  #213Dominique on August 26, 2013 at 5:48 am

    Frannie – Listen to your head on this one. It sounds as though you have an addiction to not good for you men, and this likely goes way back when as an impressionable girl somehow love became associated with feeling bad. Love was as betrayal. Untangling all of this can feel challenging, yet with awareness around all of it, you can do anything.

    The first place to begin is with you. What do YOU love to do? What fills you up? Activities, especially in artistic or creative ventures are especially healing and fulfilling. Who make you smile and laugh? Be with these people often. How do you take care of you? Love on you? Rituals for example, beauty, spiritual, something else.

    And start CDing the world, engage with your world, men and women alike, a smile as you pass by, a casual conversation while waiting in line as examples.

    Start noticing how you feel in any given moment, and express this to whomever, a perfect stranger. For example – Oh wow look at that gorgeous sunset!!! It makes me feel all pink and gold glowy. My hearts feels warm and like song looking at all that gloriousness.

    xxoo



  214.  #214Lisa on August 26, 2013 at 5:55 am

    This is in my in box this morning….. from “R”

    “Hi Lisa,

    I hope your weekend was good. As I lay here in bed, I had to grab my laptop because I could not stop thinking about you and I want to tell you that you are on my mind. On Saturday evening I went to a ………… It was nice to see the ………… On Sunday (today) I helped my sister ……….. ( I’m leaving blank on purpose.

    And I will call you Monday early evening. ”

    OK! I love this! This Rocks! Yay!
    love it!!!

    <3



  215.  #215Sophie on August 26, 2013 at 8:36 am

    I feel glum

    I don’t know where to start…it’s been a nice weekend but i’ve maybe spent too much time on my own and then I wonder if I rely too much on CDB..I didn’t make any plans partly because most of my friends are away and partly because I had work to do and I was going to have a nice day today…

    CDB was going to come round but says hes feeling ill so is not going too. I felt really upset – trigger? I suppose so…I get triggered by bank holidays! It feels familiar to feel sad that I am on my own and everyone else is having fun…

    Then the big trigger is up and visible – what am I doing? We more than likely don’t even want the same things and when something like this happens it just brings it all up for me again…

    I want a partner, a companion, someone who shares their life with me, someone who wants to live together start a family…makes plans with me…I feel so sad…I feel pain and I feel disappointment and my disappointment isn’t with him it’s not his fault it’s with life or with myself for making such stupid choices all the time…

    crying now – here comes that grief again – that i am so disappointed by my life grief…

    where do I go from here? what do i do

    then i feel frustrated…then i feel angry…then i want to kick the wall i’m so b@@@*y angry…and again the anger isn’t at anyone just at my life itself or maybe at myself I don’t know

    it feels good to write it out…i feel sad…i feel sad at thinking about another evening by myself but I don’t want to go out…maybe i just have to be with my sadness

    I think dance around…tidy the house…arrange something to do but somehow i don’t want to so maybe being sad is what i need to do



  216.  #216Sophie on August 26, 2013 at 8:52 am

    Now I’m in an argument with him which is not the way I wanted it to go

    Maybe it is – I seem to be good at instigating arguments – am I trying to push him away? Maybe, then I’m free to meet a man that wants the same thing as me…

    But arguing is never good and I feel bad because I attack and I know that’s not the right thing to do…

    I feel so much tension in my arms and shoulders they want to lash out and fight…

    wow! being let down and feeling disappointed is a huge trigger for me…crying again…i don’t know why I couldn’t handle it today – much of the time I just get on with my own thing and let it go but today I felt really disposable…maybe because I had given myself a day off so was looking forward to it…maybe because I was seeing all my friends (with their partners) doing things on facebook

    public holidays are also a huge trigger…



  217.  #217Sophie on August 26, 2013 at 9:02 am

    I don’t seem to have people to call on when i just want to get out…like now…my best friends either don’t live here or they have families to attend to…

    i don’t want to go out on my own I feel tearful – I could use some one to talk too…



  218.  #218BeLoved on August 26, 2013 at 9:10 am

    I am making some plans for my vacation in Sept – car rental, train ticket, arrangements with friends…and I am feeling SO STOKED I can hardly sit in my chair.
    I’m wiggling around like a puppy, I can hardly contain myself 🙂

    I feel SO GOOD about visiting WA and OR…om effin’ G.
    Yes yes.

    I feel some sadness, because I was planning to visit T and I won’t be doing that now.
    sadsad

    and mostly yummy and good and my heart is SINGING singing singing with so much joy, remembering my friends in Seattle and Portland.
    If I had an opera voice I’d be singing an aria right now 🙂



  219.  #219Indigo on August 26, 2013 at 10:00 am

    Sophie,

    I can’t help but notice the harshness-on-yourself in your words, self-blaming… could that be why you lashed out at him?

    I urge you to be gentle with yourself. You really need to be there for *you*. As someone who is learning how to be good and kind to myself, I can relate to the feeling of disappointment and despair when we are overly critical with ourselves.

    I’m not sure if any of this resonates.

    (((hugs))) x



  220.  #220Sophie on August 26, 2013 at 10:21 am

    ah Indigo thank you for your response – I just feel so angry and don’t know where to put my anger and then so sad and crying…

    I think one little trigger of disappointment unleashes a huge tsunami of allll the disappointment and then allll the rage…

    maybe that’s why I lashed out at him because I wasn’t being kind to myself…the little disappointments I think hook into old feelings of not being wanted by anyone which I guess is how i’ve been feeling anyway with the public holiday thing…and then i felt it cos in his text he just said he’d have to give me a miss again – it felt fickle and i felt unimportant like I can just be disposed of (all my stuff I know)

    It all hit me hard today – i feel quite taken over by the intensity of the emotion – I have danced it out a bit so not feeling so angry but still feel displaced 🙁

    I only lashed out when he responded to my feeling text by telling me I was selfish and using a box of tricks…then I felt furious but I maybe wanted an excuse to lash out at him anyway..i have a story playing that he went out last night and that’s why I got relegated today…sometimes it wouldn’t bother me today it really did…my story says that all men are a disappointment and all men are mean 🙁



  221.  #221Sophie on August 26, 2013 at 10:22 am

    and…i’m always left on my own…



  222.  #222Femininewoman on August 26, 2013 at 10:51 am

    BeLoved I am in the midst of making plans for France in September, a little after my daughter travels. The cost is a bit daunting.



  223.  #223Mr Wisdom on August 26, 2013 at 11:35 am

    No love does not have to be this hard! It’s only this hard because there are things that need to be dealt with that are left untouched. I can imagine how this lady feels. In the past 5 years she did not find another man, here is a man that claims to love her so she finds it hard to say no to him. I don’t know why she did not find someone else in 5 years – maybe because she never really let this man go? When it comes to emotions, its very hard to be objective and wise! The wise thing to do would be to answer Rori’s questions and ask some more tough questions. Then get a mentor and move forward! You sure need to trust that you can be happy in your relationship!



  224.  #224Mercedes on August 26, 2013 at 11:44 am

    Sophie: My heart really goes out to you when I read your posts so please don’t be hurt by what I’m saying. In my experience, what we focus on grows so these things will grow in your life unless you change your focus to the beautiful, loving things about yourself and about your life…

    “feelings of not being wanted by anyone”

    “i felt unimportant like I can just be disposed of (all my stuff I know)”

    “i have a story playing that he went out last night and that’s why I got relegated today…”

    “my story says that all men are a disappointment and all men are mean”

    “i’m always left on my own”

    I don’t want these things to grow in your life. I want them to go away. Can you put your focus on what you are grateful for?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  225.  #225Sophie on August 26, 2013 at 11:50 am

    Thank you Mercedes – yes I try – daily 🙂 I do my gratitude lists and change my thinking and all..I will keep trying – you didn’t hurt me it’s true – it’s crazy making how deep these rivers go – it seems like no matter the work there they are still

    its interesting seeing it all written down how you have done it for me what is there in me…running the show

    I sent an olive branch and I received very nasty messages back – really strange just like what my ex (who was toxic abusive) used to send to me – it could have been him 🙁



  226.  #226BeLoved on August 26, 2013 at 11:56 am

    FW – Ohh….what a lovely lovely gift for you and your daughter! Something you both will always remember!
    I feel intimidated imagining going somewhere I know so little about. Do you speak French? Have you been there before?

    I’ve felt a little breathless here and there when considering the costs of traveling. I’ve been using EFT and sinking into my feelings.

    It’s gotten easier and easier, I’m feeling better and better about this wonderful gift I’m giving myself. I’m feeling good about using my “boy” energy to plan. It’s feeling more and more effortless. I’m focusing on how good it will feel to be in the PNW, how yummy it will feel to hug my friends…I’m going to drive 3 hours out to visit a friend and I LOVE to drive. I’m imagining all the beautiful scenery along the way, all the great music I’ll listen to in my car, how much I love to drive, how good the sun will feel coming through the car windows…or how delicious it will feel if it rains. I also LOVE driving in the rain!
    I’m feeling how proud of myself I’ll be for doing this retreat, for following my soul’s guidance and wisdom to make new friends and meet new people. I’m feeling how nice it feels that everything is coming together and how much trust I feel. I feel so curious what it will be like to drive in a new city, use different public transportation. I feel curious what my friends’ new homes are like and who I might meet and what new doors might open.

    🙂 Heyyyy…I just made up a rampage of vacation appreciation!
    I wonder if I can do this with a new job or something. Hmmm….



  227.  #227Sophie on August 26, 2013 at 12:23 pm

    I find it so difficult to work out what is true and what is not true

    I have been told so many horrible things about myself by men and I don’t think they are true but it messes up my head

    I want them all to go away with their nasty words

    I apologised to him that he had felt my expression of my feelings as being a personal attack – I explained that had not been my intention but a means to open up conversation – he did not apologise for calling me selfish or saying that me texting him was psycho or for cancelling our arrangements in the first place or for the fact that I have also had hurt feelings



  228.  #228Mercedes on August 26, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    Sophie: Are you in love with this man? I struggle to understand why you would apologize for how he perceived your feelings and even more than that, I struggle with why you are spending time and energy on a man who calls you (or anyone else) names. It’s not making sense to me but I’m not on the blog consistent enough to follow and remember all the journeys everyone is on so I could have missed something…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  229.  #229Sophie on August 26, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    You haven’t missed anything Mercedes – he said something attacking once before and then those other things today…that’s in 7 months…

    I honestly don’t know what being in love means Mercedes – sometimes I think I am with this one and sometimes I wonder what Iove actually means – if it came down to unconditional would I be able to say yes? possibly not…

    He isn’t even my boyfriend as he hasn’t stepped up to that though in the majority of his actions he was deepening his connection to me and in many ways offering me more love and support than the majority of boyfriends i’ve had…i have felt very confused oscillating between getting closer to him as I could feel him moving closer to me and wanting to get out of the situation as he isn’t offering me what I want…whenever I’ve tried to do no contact he’s stepped up his actions and i’ve got pulled back in…

    and…i’ve been lazy because its felt easier for me to take the care, support and comfort that he gives me than to get myself out in the big old world and make myself available

    and I feel manipulated sometimes as he makes it all about him saying that he has invested and how can I just walk away…but I will walk away…eventually…

    and the positive things about him are very positive … particularly in comparison to all the disasters that have come before…maybe I give him too much credence because of that…

    sad 🙁 and drained 🙁



  230.  #230Sophie on August 26, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    it just ends up being a power struggle – and that feels exhausting



  231.  #231Mercedes on August 26, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    Sophie: I think maybe my yoga lesson is something that will resonate with you. You might consider taking some time to think about or meditate on this:

    “Try not to confuse ‘attachment’ with ‘love’. Attachment is about fear and dependency, and has more to do with love of self than love of another. Love without attachment is the purest love because it isn’t about what others can give you because you are empty, it is about what you can give others because you’re already full.”
    – Yasmin Mogahed

    Without being full…having full lives…having gratitude and compassion…being filled to the brim with self love…it is near impossible to fully love another.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  232.  #232Sophie on August 26, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    🙂 yes – perfect Mercedes 🙂 I am aiming for that definitely – coming up against all the hard stuff on the way but that’s okay – today has been intense but I feel hopeful that it has thrown up more of my stuff for healing and I don’t feel despair about the fact it’s all still there which I would have done a month or so ago when I last had a melt down…that’s healing in its self…

    thank you for your support I really needed it and appreciate it and appreciate that there is this blog to help us along xxx



  233.  #233Indigo on August 26, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    Sophie,

    “Being filled to the brim with self-love” – that’s also what I was trying to say to you.

    Why worry about what guys in the past have said to you about yourself, why concern yourself with the labels or hurtful words – that’s all they are, hurtful words, which are as dust in the wind anyway.

    What *truly* matters is what you think of yourself, and something Dominique has shown me is that when you LOVE yourself, you can put the hurtful words of others into their proper perspective, and you don’t add to it by joining in the beating. Why don’t you plan something truly fun and lovely to do for yourself with the next bit of free time you have?

    xx



  234.  #234Indigo on August 26, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    I had a beautiful night with D last night.

    It seemed to have taken him that long to process that unpleasant night that we had, and that’s ok.

    I just feel relieved. I felt loved last night.



  235.  #235Sophie on August 26, 2013 at 1:39 pm

    Thank you Indigo

    I love that – why join in the beating…yes why indeed..drop all the defend and attack and just let it be dust in the wind … yes that feels lovely…

    yes what truly matters is what I think of myself! why are these things so obvious but so difficult to see in the moment 🙂 I think I’m pretty cool actually and anyone would be lucky to have me in their life 🙂 wow that feels lighter and easier…

    mmmm something fun and lovely to do…yes…i don’t know what…most of my life is quite lovely really…

    Glad that you had a lovely night with D – that feels warm and smiley 🙂



  236.  #236Rori Raye on August 26, 2013 at 2:02 pm

    Mr. Wisdom – I enjoyed your site very much, and so welcome your wonderful comment here – and yet, please know, per the general experience of my community here, we operate best as a woman-only blog…and so I’ll be monitoring all subsequent posts. Sincerely, Rori



  237.  #237Tereana on August 26, 2013 at 2:51 pm

    Where is everyone???

    Ok, this is fun. I’ve been practicing communicating with my dad in feeling messages when I’m getting triggered. We had plans and then he bailed on me when he got another invitation. It reminded me of one of my CDs!! Lol.

    So anyway, rather than respond all angry and knee-jerky, I took a minute to state out the window and feel how I felt, and let words come to it. Then I spoke (or texted) the words. I don’t think he quite understood at first. But also, I decided to not attach myself to getting “what I wanted” in the first place, and opened myself up to flexibility and changing plans. It allowed me to see things from his side, even if I didn’t like it a lot, for me. And I could even see some benefit in changing plans (though I didn’t say it ; )

    And in the end, I think I got what I wanted overall. And so did he. I took care of myself and I spoke how I felt without making him “wrong.”

    I kind of wish I’d had the same presence of mind with V, way back. But then, it occurs to me there is a difference when you are in a “committed” relationship with someone. A parent is not a relationship by choice, per se. It kind of is. But the not-choice part means you are their child, no matter what you do. That security isn’t there with a random guy. But it kind of is, too.

    The fear is, with a guy you don’t know so well, that you’ll “lose” him or that he might not like you. And the fear can lead you to overreact (or at least me. Ha!) and be not like yourself, generally.

    But what if you could believe that he liked you, no matter what? What if you weren’t afraid to lose him? That would be good stuff, right? That would be the whole point? Sure. That’s why we’re here, right? I’m pretty sure it is.

    I just love how I’m seeing it right now. I could feel a lot of good healing taking place today, all on its own. I literally felt it, and it felt good.

    I think if someone met me at the beginning of the summer, and were to meet me in a week or two, I would be a totally different person. I would look more radiant, relaxed, and self confident. I would be a powerful woman, on her way to becoming fully expressed.

    And that’s exactly how it will be 🙂



  238.  #238Tereana on August 26, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    Oh, good, you’re all here. My phone didn’t load the messages right away : )

    I’ve been thinking about my grandmother a lot today.

    To me, she is the perfect siren. She is my role model. She’s 90 years old, and she is STILL a siren. She knows how to take care of herself, to speak and express in ways that people can understand, and as frustrating as my grandfather can be sometimes, she accepts him and allows him to love her, always. She never complains, but she DOES ask for what she wants and needs. And when she’s unhappy, you’ll know it, but you won’t feel bad – you’ll want to help.

    I so admire her strength and resilience. She has physical pain every day, I’m sure of it, but she never “covers it up.” Her smile is genuine. Her sense of humor is for real. She doesn’t mind being waited on hand and foot, but she doesn’t expect it, and is always grateful.

    I love my grandmother so much, and I’m really proud to know her. She’s a southern lady, brought up in a different environment from me, but her life wasn’t perfect. It had its challenges.

    I just hope that some of her awesome, incredible sireny-ness can rub off on me. I’m grateful to have spent so much time with her this summer. And I hope I can Neva’s awesome as she is before I reach age 90!!! Lol (and also when I’m 90, thank you very much ; )

    She is so cool. My grandma rocks!!! <3



  239.  #239Hana on August 26, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    Hi Ladies!



  240.  #240Lisa on August 26, 2013 at 3:41 pm

    Ok after the past few weeks…. I’ve had several very young men contact me…and some very much older

    So, when Rori says date everyone of them… Ok I do within a range… unless they gross me out too much… or are my daughter’s age…

    I’m wondering… if I should date all of them… even though they might be 23 years younger? I mean I guess it can’t hurt to at least meet and greet them for an hour… and even the 66 year olds which gross me out b/c they are very close to my Dad’s age?

    What is the tools on this one?

    I mean I’ve known they all have gifts/lessons…

    I did turn one man down recently b/c he did scare me… b/c he wrote a novel to me several times, telling me about how he had been with a woman that had boarderline personality disorder and he had gone to therapy for it…and now wanted to find a woman to help him open his heart again and now wanted me to meet him so he could get “offline”…

    OK that had read flags all over it!!! wounded big time…

    but the others really don’t scare me but the 66 year old’s gross me out…

    what is the protocol on this?

    OXOXO



  241.  #241Dominique on August 26, 2013 at 4:27 pm

    Lisa – There are no real rules around this. If it doesn’t feel good to go out with someone, then don’t. If it feels marginally good or ambivalent, then you might want to push yourself a little. Listen you your intuition. Listen to your heart.

    xxoo



  242.  #242Lisa on August 26, 2013 at 4:45 pm

    Thanks Dominique! I have been…. 🙂

    on the subject of topic today…

    I agree being addicted or attached is much different than Love…. it’s tricky.. but the way I differentiate it is …. if I can’t let them go it is attachment or addiction… for me Loving someone you can let them go, even if it isn’t what I want… love doesn’t hold on… it’s like Rori says open your fists and let go! that is love…

    Also, why do we put up with sub par…. I’ve come to realize that it is b/c we think that we can’t find better….. we think well this is better than what I’ve had, I better hang on to it… what if there isn’t anyone else… it doesn’t register that there is better! Once you’ve had better though you don’t want to go back ….

    but the wonderful thing about c’dating is! that we are in a super market full of choices… so we tend to not think as narrowly… about it….

    I know i’ve held on b/c I was afraid that better wouldn’t come… and as the book attached talks about, it is the part of the brain where we feel pain, like in a broken bone… so that is why it is also hard to leave… we don’t want to break our own leg, ie. heart! The pain is that much! like if we broke a bone… and I can say, I’ve broken my arm in half… it was very painful!

    Some of it is mental attachment and the other is brain chemistry….(which work together) but the more work I do on myself the easier it is to leave a relationship! b/c my mind isn’t so attached to it…

    just my experience….

    OXOXO



  243.  #243Amelia on August 26, 2013 at 5:16 pm

    The first thing that got my attention about this is that he drinks on a regular basis. That sent shivers up and down my spine because I know that that particular road leads to no place that’s good. Frankly, I figure that you don’t need him muddling everything up. 🙂



  244.  #244Tereana on August 26, 2013 at 6:28 pm

    Sophie : You deserve better!!!!!!

    Xox



  245.  #245Tereana on August 26, 2013 at 6:41 pm

    Hm…Cris, that’s not what I was saying. I was simply drawing an analogy. It’s up to you if you want to “agree” with it or not. It’s just meant to illustrate an idea. You can draw your own analogies too…



  246.  #246Tereana on August 26, 2013 at 6:45 pm

    Supermarket – yes!

    I had a genuine, soft and loving feeling toward men today. It made me feel good. It wasn’t manufactured. I appreciated them. And I thought of various men I’ve been out with, some of whom have contacted me recently. And I’m not feeling particularly attached to being with any of them. I just imagined myself really seeing them, and noticing them.

    And it felt good…



  247.  #247Luzydel on August 26, 2013 at 9:21 pm

    So I am wondering why is it that I just do not walk away? I mean I see the red flags, I know most likely it wont work out, unless the man do an 360 change; and I stay…
    So this guy I am calling him IDKWWA (I don’t know what we are) is sweet helpful, good in bed and funny, but I don’t know I feel he likes to “put me down”, so he can feel like he is helping me and doing something for me. He once told me I like to feel needed; well that doesn’t seem like a problem, but he is closed off; he doesn’t open to me.

    He gives mixed signals, but I am beyond wise to call him on his BS; he has clear that I am not going to ask him to stay, I told him if you want to leave the door is open. So he says I will never be ready for a relationship… I am like “ok I got ya’ dude, I just want to find myself here,I am not futurizing with you I know you got hurt and you need to feel important, needed, wanted etc. but stop being so controlling!” and his controlling is subtle, like let me help you, but it isn’t about helping you, but myself, about me feeling needed… I am not invested in this, still have my POF open and talking to other guys… just want to learn to receive from a man without getting into fixing him mode… If he was sane he’ll be a great partner though 😉 but it seems he is a giver and gives too much until women feel overwhelmed… He also seem to be attracted to women who cheat… mmm why don’t I just leave? Truth is I am enjoying this…



  248.  #248Zia on August 26, 2013 at 9:41 pm

    I am finding myself at the moment feeling triggered when a woman will discuss what they will or won’t do based on their man’s schedule. an example is me saying ‘shall we catch up on the weekend?’ and the response being ‘well X is away on sat night so let’s do something then’. or as a way of inviting me to do something prefacing it with ‘x is busy doing xy and z, do you want to hang out’.

    for the fact that it is happening enough for me to feel irritated about it means it happens most of the time with regards to discussions about plans for anything. it feels icky.



  249.  #249Femininewoman on August 26, 2013 at 10:57 pm

    Beloved she is going for the school year. SHE should come back fluent. I am just going for a few days after she arrives. Je parle un peu de francaus seulment. It is my first time there and I don’t know how I am going to manage as I have heard some unfavorable stories. Particularly if one is not French speaking. Yet, we will see.



  250.  #250Millie on August 26, 2013 at 11:29 pm

    Zia I hear you on that! I feel triggered when both men and women change their actions based on their significant other. I know in a marriage that is important, but as a friend of people that are married I hate feeling so secondary or much like a replacement or afterthought…..



  251.  #251Millie on August 26, 2013 at 11:40 pm

    SOPHIE– I want to give you a big hug! It has been awhile since you and I connected. I am wondering if this CD you speak of is the same man you spoke of before–the FWB you saw for awhile?

    I often feel triggered by small comments such as your CD made…your mind starts to spin to all the reasons he could be canceling, and all the reasons he’s bad and you should leave, and also how you are bad….
    In my experience this small comment, this small drop, hit an already full glass and caused your emotional water to overflow. I have felt this as well. The truth as I see it is- He didn’t do anything wrong, these feelings you have are “Yours.” For me, when I stayed in a relationship or situation that I knew was wrong for me, it created anxiousness and feelings of unworthiness. If I stay with a man that I know is not right for me, I compromise myself, and that hurt that I am doing to myself causes me to not be grounded because I there is no self-trust. It is hard, when you want the things that you do, yet are “with” a man who you know does not want those things…I believe that can cause a woman to question her self worth and increasingly make her feel “less” because this man will not give to her in the way she wants. This is just my perspective due to my recent experience. In short, you are doing this to yourself and it doesn’t have to be like this…I say that with love and appreciation for the feminine heart. Consider enrolling in a class where you can make new friends and don’t have to rely on old ones or another social group. I’ve met a lot of new people that way. ((hugs))



  252.  #252Millie on August 26, 2013 at 11:52 pm

    Sophie–also, I notice that when I spend too much time alone and ruminating about things, my mind goes into vortex mode. It sounds like you were already feeling lonely and were focused on it, so when he told you he wasn’t coming, you heard that “in the vortex,” in the context of already how you perceived yourself and the world. Does that make sense? For myself, I notice that when I am in “vortex mode” getting out of the house and laughing/smiling/breathing/ anything other than thinking and focusing on what I was thinking/focusing on, helps immensely! I almost laugh at myself at the 180 I am able to make so quickly.



  253.  #253Cris on August 27, 2013 at 1:02 am

    that’s fine Tereana 🙂 love to you!



  254.  #254Sophie on August 27, 2013 at 2:30 am

    Hi Millie

    thank you for the hug 🙂

    Yes it’s the same one and thank you for your comments – I hear you completely when you talk about the drop hitting an already full glass and how staying in a situation that you know is not good for you can be detrimental to your self-worth…

    i’m not sure what i’m going to do next…yesterday was very strange we haven’t had a fight like that since right at the beginning when he went into push away mode…its like that’s what happened yesterday too…and I never manage push away very well it triggers all my stuff especially when – as you say I’ve not got my self filled up in other areas and when i’m so close to trigger point at all times anyway…

    the last time about a month ago when I brought up the filled cup thing with him (and I did I said I wasn’t getting what I wanted/needed and so I wanted space to find someone who could give me that) he said he wanted me to give him a few weeks to step up and then if he didn’t he’d bail out – I decided that i would decide to trust him on that and he has done lots of things (in a pace thats comfortable for him) to move toward me but then yesterday everything blew up…

    and I can’t have that…it felt awful…and dark…and I was so agitated and intensely stressed I couldn’t sleep which then affects my ability to work today…and i can’t have that…I had that with my ex and I developed chronic insomnia and was all over the place and struggling in my job…

    And yes! I understand about going out and shifting my energy…I did scour the net for a club night to go to yesterday but there wasn’t anything…i will see if I can line something up for this weekend…

    I have had a very introverted summer – i’ve been branching out in a new career and that has been my focus really…it still is…that and not knowing where I stand with money which i’ve allowed to pull me back from doing things a bit…and being all up in the air cos I want to spend part of the winter in asia so I know things aren’t going to stay the way they are now but still I can’t let the future stop me living now 🙂

    Day one of acute self love and self compassion…i really am doing very well and where I am right now is right where I need to be…big hug for me



  255.  #255Sophie on August 27, 2013 at 2:31 am

    thank you tereana 🙂 xx



  256.  #256Femininewoman on August 27, 2013 at 6:37 am

    Arielle Ford is gonna be in Romania Sept 13 and 14



  257.  #257ArabianLove on August 27, 2013 at 7:32 am

    I feel so powerless.
    His work has taken all his attention … every bit of it away from me.

    I’m trying to work on myself and not be so dependent. Trying to breathe deeply and not be triggered by his not calling me all week last week. Only for him to call on saturday to talk and make plans to call back later to make plans to meet up after hes done working on his proposal and never to actually call.

    I feel angry and scared that he is pulling away because of more than simply work … but it is always related to work even when I think i have done something wrong. We talk and he thinks thatI am crazy for thinking I have done something to upset him.
    But I want to be apart of his life … every bit of it. I dont want to be shut out and alone.

    Arabian



  258.  #258Hana on August 27, 2013 at 7:39 am

    Arabian L- how long have you two known one another?



  259.  #259ArabianLove on August 27, 2013 at 7:42 am

    I need to tell him :
    I want affection even when we are not together. I want that phone call that lets me know he misses me. (although he’s a very practical guy. He’ll phone when its to make plans usually. I guess calling is not his type of giving!)

    But I feel I need this reassurance.
    Keeping his word is a major thing for me. I’m so scared he’ll start taking me for granted and he’ll only come around when he needs me . Not what I want.

    But I dont want to burden him with all of this right now … when his focus is on work … it will be too much for him.

    Dominique gave me great advice. I just need to remember to breathe. Breathe and Breathe. Date myself and be happy.



  260.  #260ArabianLove on August 27, 2013 at 7:47 am

    Hi Hanna,

    We have been dating for 4 months.
    Spend most weekends together and one day a week together because I have been on summer vacation.

    He thought he was going to be layed off from work as they were cutting back but ended up getting an even more challenging position. He was so excited about it all on Saturday. He has a presentation due and if all goes well he wants to start up his own team. Its his focus and I understand work takes a lot out of you, but I am panicking since I have been triggered due to my past relationship.



  261.  #261Hana on August 27, 2013 at 7:51 am

    Arabian, I hear you and I understand you, 4 months is early still even though you are spending a lot of time. You would do well to date other men, CD because if you don’t, then all your focus will be on this one guy, and it will drive you bonkers. I’ve been in this situation before, and I should have CD’d. The minute I started seeing other men I wasn’t focusing on him as much, it felt wonderful…and your vibe will shift. Remember that it is healthier to focus on yourself than on him.
    Be kind to yourself.

    XO



  262.  #262Lisa on August 27, 2013 at 7:54 am

    Cd “R” and I had a 2 hr convo on the phone…. lots in common… looking for same (so he says) I’ll assume trust… he is coming down to meet me this holiday weekend… wow! I feel special….long way to come to meet me…

    haven’t heard back from “M2” I’m thinking that he has expected a call back (seems to be his pattern)…. he didn’t ask me to call him back… but I notice that some men don’t seem to follow the dating coaches ideas about men… but I haven’t contacted him back since he didn’t ask me to…

    Another “R” has entered the picture… nice… things in common… seems so… we’ll see when we meet..

    2 more cd’ers have come in since yesterday!

    I love it! It’s raining men… AWESOME! I’m so excited! Let it pour!

    OXOX



  263.  #263ArabianLove on August 27, 2013 at 7:55 am

    To say the least, it has been an intense 4 months. I moved very quickly from a toxic relationship to this one that felt right. Yet, I dont have much experience and I find myself anxious if I have to make the first move. I want to feel like a free goddess, that is happy and that is cherished and I am not feeling that way. I have pushed him away when he has tried to cherish me. I definitely need to work on myself. But at the same time I dont want to lose this great man … when he is attentive. He takes care of me, makes sure I am ok, cooks for me, caters to me, even will put the covers over me in the middle of the night. He’s amazing. But I block and I feel like he does too because of me. I am too much of a masculine energy, someone you can never please!
    I want to feel free from this never pleased gremlin!



  264.  #264Hana on August 27, 2013 at 7:57 am

    Hearing you makes me feel like I’m listening to myself. Please practice the tools, read and watch Rori’s programs and be true to yourself



  265.  #265ArabianLove on August 27, 2013 at 7:57 am

    Thank you Hanna!

    But I find that Cding other men is not for me ! It doesn’t feel right.

    I need to CD myself thats for sure… find my spiritual self.

    What is your story 😉 ? I’d love to hear about it 🙂 !



  266.  #266Hana on August 27, 2013 at 8:01 am

    I’m writing a new story! Love it! Thanks for asking 🙂 🙂



  267.  #267Hana on August 27, 2013 at 8:04 am

    Arabian L- I find that, whenever I am having difficulty, I read a new book about relationships, it lightens my anxiety and makes me feel empowered! I would recommend this book- “The art of Seduction- Robert Greene”

    X



  268.  #268Sophie on August 27, 2013 at 8:19 am

    yay Lisa I feel excited for you! So nice to see new experiences flooding in!

    hana 🙂 Your energy feels great – love the ‘new story’ comment felt very liberating

    Arabian Love – I like hana’s advice to you – read read read – all Rori’s blogs and tools and watch the programmes if you can ‘Modern Siren’ is good for sireness focusing on lovely feminine you and join in with us here 🙂

    FW – your France trip sounds exciting – I was always a bit afraid of the French (still am probably ha ha) but when I last went I relied solely on English (I didn’t think it was worth me trying to get by with my appalling French) and everyone was very lovely – mind you I only had to negotiate a couple of train journey’s…I just smiled a lot and apologised for not being able to speak the language



  269.  #269Emerson on August 27, 2013 at 8:37 am

    249 FW
    France is lovely and the people are lovely. I’ve travelled there and loved it, never felt anything negative.
    Ahh I love France…!!! Lucky siren!

    In other news, cutecityCD has not contacted me since before the weekend. I feel sad to be honest, as I really enjoyed his attention. I am going to lean back. Maybe I will never hear from him. I don’t know.
    I’m feeling frustrated and let down….
    NVs saying “things never work out for my romantically”…
    “Nothing ever changes”…
    “I’m not worth it”….
    Yikes I don’t know where these words are coming from! I can flip them and not give them power…



  270.  #270Emerson on August 27, 2013 at 9:20 am

    I am setting new goals to be good to myself. Also wnting to get a work project done that is hanging over my head!



  271.  #271Sophie on August 27, 2013 at 9:46 am

    more horrid accusations ugh – like dust in the wind

    I choose men who struggle to communicate without attack-mirror mirror on the wall

    He would prefer to point the finger at me than look within himself

    I grew up in such a defend and attack environment – no loving communication there

    then I hope that we can learn (my partners and me) loving communication but I haven’t managed that yet… I don’t want any more horrid accusations I want to walk away calmly into the breeze of only love – away from all the fighting and fear

    my mother lived with the horrible accusations for years and years and years – now…maybe they are happy in their marriage 40 years on…she taught me unwittingly to stand by your man no matter what…

    I don’t want to be her…I don’t want the marriage she had…I don’t want to wait 30plus years for things to be okay…30 plus years of trying trying trying…



  272.  #272Dominique on August 27, 2013 at 9:46 am

    Arabian Love- 259 – For most men, his mission/career takes precedence over most everything. And remember too that most men compartmentalize, i.e. he can only handle one thing at a time.

    So when he’s in work mode especially, that’s pretty much all there is. You are likely still with him in his heart running quietly in there, and he likely feels this, yet he’s completely absorbed with the work stuff.

    This has nothing to do with you, what you did or didn’t do.

    So when these feelings come over you, these needy, scared feelings, summon up recent memories with him when you DID feel connected, loved, cared for. And then carry on your day with those images, the feelings those images evoke.

    This is your truth. Not the the other stuff.

    xxoo



  273.  #273Sophie on August 27, 2013 at 9:47 am

    emerson 🙂 My NV’s were in full swing yesterday – it felt quite good to discover they were there 🙂



  274.  #274Indigo on August 27, 2013 at 10:22 am

    Arabian Love,

    If I may add, some great advice I received recently, which has made ALL the difference with my anxiety, and I now turn to it without even thinking, is to compile a list, a LONG list, of things you love to do, from making a cup of perfect hot chocolate, to going for a walk, to putting on some favourite music… whatever! Whenever you start to feel the anxious energy coming on, pick something from the list to do.

    This is great, and I would say, almost essential, especially if you don’t want to CD other men.

    xxx



  275.  #275Indigo on August 27, 2013 at 10:26 am

    Sophie 🙂

    Remember you don’t have to stay and listen to the horrid accusations. You can simply say “This feels bad” and leave, or hang up.

    It’s easier said than done when you’re “locked in”, if you feel as if you have to stay and hear the other person. But with some practice moving away from what feels bad, you can rid yourself of lots of negative energy and your life starts to feel quite lovely 🙂



  276.  #276Veronica on August 27, 2013 at 10:45 am

    I think there’s deeper stuff going on for me than just not enough contact or the kind of contact I’d like. I think maybe deep down I’m not really sure of what I want – I’m not talking about what people should or shouldn’t do but more like how I’d want to be/live. I believe I’m slowly getting there. My stressing over contact seems like just a beginning.

    Today I finally experienced what it meant to ‘turn around and do something you love/for yourself’. I was feeling so angry – admitting it, feeling it but also noticing that sinking feeling of ‘I don’t want to spend all day in this, or even an hour’. Usually when I feel an emotion that intensely I just become unhinged from what’s around me. I wondered how would this turn around. I had to really immerse myself in something I was very passionate about – not to distract myself from the anger but to open myself to something else or the possibility of something else. That has always been difficult or near impossible for me. Not only did I forget my anger but I felt like I did some exploring and learning. I really do have to surround myself with things that are passion-worthy.



  277.  #277Indigo on August 27, 2013 at 10:51 am

    Veronica – 276 – really love this 🙂



  278.  #278Sophie on August 27, 2013 at 10:59 am

    275 – yes Indigo – so helpful – I’m going to keep practicing that and the dust in the wind was so helpful and the it only matters what I think – it was a really useful compass today 🙂 thank you xx



  279.  #279Lisa on August 27, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    after still feeling unsettled about my last date with “M2” I spoke with a wonderful lady Dr. Kelley Wolfe… about the trigger about the easy access.. thing….he said…

    I don’t trigger easy… and though at times, I might think so based on someone’s opinion on the outside… I’ve found that triggers might just be our inner voice saying “this isn’t right”, “this doesn’t feel right”

    She said by me speaking up in a lighthearted way, that gives men the wrong impression. They don’t take me seriously…

    Here is her expert opinion on what men tell her… Woman want to be pursued ( that means sexual to them) and that even if they say no, they really want you to keep asking again and again. They don’t really mean no. They wear seductive clothing to entice men to want them sexually.

    I know this sounds old school but this is what men tell her- straight talk… in a room full of lots of other men…

    so when “M2” said those things after I have repeatedly said, we aren’t there yet, I’ll let you know when we are… he still continued to push… and that is why I was feeling uncomfortable… even after saying in a light hearted way “not to be confused with easy access” he still tried to put his hand under my dress. OK! so instead of gently taking it off… I could have said at her suggestion. Get your hand off my leg” without saying it mean. but looking them in the eye and being direct…

    I have to disagree on the flirtatious part… I think it is pushing for sex… I think after you’ve discussed it and it keeps coming up… it no longer is flirting… it’s pushing….

    I felt so empowered and realized how I’m contributing to the rape culture… and how men have been brought up to have a rape culture mentality… I can be feminine and still say it in a non lighthearted way, non- sugar coating or non – supressing way… I don’t like your hand on my knee… please remove it… I’ll let you know when we are there…

    Rape culture ideals:

    boys will be boys ( men will be men)
    viewing women as sex objects
    tolerating sexual harassment ( enuidos)
    critizing women’s dress, activities, motive, character and history
    defining manhood as men who are dominant, sex crazed, sexually agressive, and unable to control his behavior
    defining womanhood as women that are submissive, sexually passive, lacking interest in sex
    pressure women to not appear cold or frigid
    pressure on men to be sexually experienced and aggressive
    assuming only promiscuous women get raped
    refusing to take sexual violence seriously
    putting responsibility on women and not men

    so, short of it…. I felt like a sex object that evening…. and I didn’t sugar coat it or suppress it, but I didn’t stop look him in the eye and say that didn’t feel good… I didn’t like that…

    I need to have more proactive voice and energy about me…. I try to say things in a kind way and thereby ….. not being taken seriously…

    lots of learning today….

    OXOXXO



  280.  #280Femininewoman on August 27, 2013 at 3:22 pm

    Wow Lisa. I am really having a problem with what you wrote. Even what that “expert” said, I would challenge. Maybe some men. It depends on where they are in their lives. Especially when testosterone levels start falling I can see how men can be sex crazed. They love because it keeps them feeling desired and alive but it doesn’t mean that they see women as sex objects.

    I am feeling defensive of men.



  281.  #281MovingMagic on August 27, 2013 at 4:20 pm

    I’m reading “The Art of Living Out Loud” -by Meg Blackburn Losey. In the book she mentions having gratitude…even for the things we don’t have. Wow! Wow! Imagine the energy shift in that. Being grateful for the space we’re in at all times.
    Feeling expansive.



  282.  #282Lisa on August 27, 2013 at 4:46 pm

    @FW….

    I love men… this isn’t about Men being wrong this about society raising men to have certain beliefs about women…

    I have friends that are men… I hear it too….

    I don’t just take people’s views…I filter it….

    I hear it too… I experience it….

    doesn’t mean that all men are bad, wrong… it just means they need to be educated on how things really are with women….

    and they do push the envelope… they do…

    I think that in light of the fact that, I have been and continue to be viewed as a sex object… I can attest to the fact that, it sucks… there is a person inside of me…

    I’m not against men…. but I am against the culture we have developed in this world of the view of women… in regards to sex…

    I think that we as women over look things ( as Rori says) and let men get by with behaviors… and what happened with the “easy access” comment was a prime example…

    it was viewed as flirtatious… and acceptable… and should be overlooked… I realized that when I sat with it… NO.. it didn’t feel right, it didn’t feel like flirt and that isn’t appropriate flirting anyways unless your way advanced in a relationship… we overlook bad behaviors… b/c they are men…

    and I still love men… adore men, and am very attracted to men… but still it is reality… ( for me and many women).

    for me and my experience… men do get away with a lot in this regards…

    and I for one am going to start speaking up…

    OXOXO



  283.  #283Hana on August 27, 2013 at 6:24 pm

    My hands are shaking! I got proposed to by Edward this aft. I don’t know what to do, what I feel. I told him I needed some time after a very long silence. I’m in love with someone else still and.. Ladies, I don’t know what to do, I knew he wanted to get married eventually, but he always confused me with his hot and cold. He’s 42, Jewish and succesful..but we only dated 3 months in the past, errrr help, I’m shocked and still shaking and donno what to do



  284.  #284LoveAlways on August 27, 2013 at 6:30 pm

    Congrats Hana!!! That is wonderful.i feel so happy for you!!



  285.  #285Zia on August 27, 2013 at 6:31 pm

    Hana – say what? Are you two even dating right now??



  286.  #286Lisa on August 27, 2013 at 6:32 pm

    @Hana

    WOW….that’s a toughy… for sure…. breathe! go inside… wait for the answer… and get centered…. and take your time….. no pressure…
    that is what I would do….

    {{{Big Hugs!}}}

    whatever you decide… love yourself….

    <3



  287.  #287LoveAlways on August 27, 2013 at 6:33 pm

    Relax Hana. Enjoy the moment. Find the good in this situation and focus on the rest later



  288.  #288LoveAlways on August 27, 2013 at 6:36 pm

    I have been cding my a$$ off! And it feels good. I respond to almost every online match just to interact and practice my tools.



  289.  #289LoveAlways on August 27, 2013 at 6:37 pm

    I have a date tomorrow night.



  290.  #290LoveAlways on August 27, 2013 at 6:39 pm

    Cding is not to find the one but to prepare and practice



  291.  #291Hana on August 27, 2013 at 6:41 pm

    Love Always- that is great! How is that going? I am so confused, I’ve been walking to clear my head, soon I’m going to dance- had to get some salsa to shake these nerves. Hug to U!

    Lisa- I am breathing hard now haha, thank you for your kind words ((((Lisa)))))

    Zia- he came over for Shabbat (it’s Jewish thing) for friday night dinner, and then we went out just him and I, and today for coffee,, we went out a year ago for 3 months, but I was dating M and A, and just didn’t feel into him, he felt it I guess and dissapeared, but kept checking up on me every month or so…



  292.  #292Femininewoman on August 27, 2013 at 7:02 pm

    “Like I’ve said before, men NEED sex in order to feel truly engaged and committed in a relationship.

    If a guy doesn’t feel desired and respected by his woman then it doesn’t matter how good EVERYTHING ELSE in the relationship is, he’s going to find himself grumpy and ashamed and fantasizing about cute baristas.

    Tangentially, this means that the common tactic of withholding the loving from a man when you’re mad at him is basically RELATIONSHIP KRYPTONITE.

    All withholding the dirty stuff does is push a guy further away from you and make him feel like a 5 year old who just got scolded by mommy.

    In fact if you want to actually get OVER a fight and work through an issue then having some fun and athletic time in bed is a must.

    ANYWAY . . .

    To actually answer your question:

    Chunk 3: Would a guy rather have average sex and a really good relationship
    or really good sex and an average relationship?

    Uhh.

    I don’t understand the question.

    Because I’m a guy.

    And I’ll tell you right now that as a guy if you’re not having regular sex (whatever regular means to you) then it’s not really a “relationship.”

    And that if you’re not having at least GOOD sex then no guy in the world is going to think that it’s actually a “above average” relationship.

    That’s not saying you have to have an arsenal of carnal toys and and a mind so dirty you
    use windex for eyedrops (though that’s not a bad thing), just that you need to really UNDERSTAND what men are like sexually and what men need sexually and (at least occasionally) bend over backwards (literally) to give him what he needs.

    (And he should do the same for you. Duh.)

    Got it?

    Best,

    Mike Fiore



  293.  #293Lisa on August 27, 2013 at 7:35 pm

    and I don’t disagree on that men need sex to connect… in fact that is my experience too! I love that part… and yet, I’m not going to use that to condone behaviors…

    and that is a vast difference between that and acting like what I was talking about…

    huge difference in mentality……and intent!

    I don’t withhold sex b/c I’m upset… that is manipulative…

    however, I’m not going to be treated disrespectfully either……like a sex object… I can feel the difference… not sure about other women…

    there is a line there… and some people might like to condone the societal view on it.. I don’t… and yet, I still agree with what Mike Fiore says… Totally…

    I guess though if someone wanted to justify then they will….. or twist… that’s ok… this is my experience….

    I can still have healthy sex and wait until I’m ready, it feels right! and be with a man that is patient and waits until I’m ready….. and doesn’t constantly push or make rude comments… or put his hand under my dress…… and can find other things about me he likes enough to allow intimacy… and then it will happen…

    and then some women may be ok with the behaviors of men who pressure covertly, coax, push, innuendos, and blatant remarks… geared to get her in bed sooner ( I’ve heard it all)… that’s their choice… sounds like a double standard to me… ?

    I don’t like it… ( I’m not looking to be a convenience) and it doesn’t feel good to me… I am a very sexual woman when I’m in a respectful, safe and caring situation with a man that I feel connected to…(my men are happy! I treat them well that way, its above average!) but not when I have these sexual darts thrown at me… ” wear something with easy access”… I can’t even believe that I didn’t use my feeling message to say that felt awful…. I feel like vomiting…and it did!

    and this even isn’t about bad or good man/men… it’s about intent and motive and staying in my own boundaries and integrity… he can be a good man and still have this going on…( that duality again) mis-information or peer pressure from other men to get laid sooner ( or their manhood is questioned)….
    BLUGH!

    and this is just my experience…

    live and learn. I love how I’m listening to me, and my intuition, wisdom, heart… that feels good… I know me!

    OXOXO



  294.  #294Lisa on August 27, 2013 at 7:36 pm

    @LoveAlways

    You go Girl!!! have fun! <3



  295.  #295Emerson on August 27, 2013 at 8:13 pm

    Men need sex to connect…
    I don’t want to withhold sex because I’m mad…



  296.  #296Zia on August 27, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    Agree with you Lisa – what you’re talking about is very different to what Michael Fiore’s quoted post was referring to.



  297.  #297Emerson on August 27, 2013 at 8:25 pm

    Wow I’m realizing I’ve done that alot. I shut out and shut down when I’m angry. I really need space to cool down. This applies to not just men but all my relationships. Maybe that’s just my way of coping….
    Something to be aware of…
    Maybe I can handle things differently and not withhold sex in the future when in a relationship…



  298.  #298Lisa on August 27, 2013 at 8:40 pm

    @Zia 🙂 {{[hugs}}}



  299.  #299Millie on August 27, 2013 at 9:03 pm

    Withholding sex and/or not allowing sexual flirtation has never been my problem. I love it! Both we. And flirting….. I like when people can let go and release their carnal desires. However, there must always be a boundary…. And regardless of what you choose in the moment, it can’t always be yes or always be no..



  300.  #300Emerson on August 27, 2013 at 9:49 pm

    I feel like screaming! I am pining for cutecityCD!



  301.  #301Sophie on August 28, 2013 at 2:06 am

    I am feeling the calm after the storm today I feel very tired but the dust is settling and for the first time ever, thanks to this blog, I don’t feel like a failure for my nosedive into the extremities of my emotions I feel hopeful for the healing

    Wow – I didn’t know those triggers were still so strong in me and now I do

    day two of acute self-love and self-compassion – today I’m going to befriend my tiredness and do all the work I need to do

    I sent CDB some writing on how I would like to communicate so that neither of us feel like we are being attacked for who we are but so that we both feel heard and validated and expressed that if I felt attacked I wouldn’t be able to hear him and I would just walk away – he said that it was the best thing he ever read

    We found some peace which is now my intention always – to honour myself but to find the peace as quickly as I can

    I received a blog post from you Dominique that was an old one but funny because it was perfect – I don’t know if you meant to send it again but it could have been written now about us/me – I felt warm appreciation – also I have been using rose oil it really does have calm soothing properties

    love to you all xxx

    hana – WOW!!!!



  302.  #302Sophie on August 28, 2013 at 2:09 am

    299 – I agree Millie not my problem either but i do find most men respond very well to a firm but gentle boundary and if they don’t then I tend to move away from them as they have made their intention crystal clear…



  303.  #303Femininewoman on August 28, 2013 at 3:10 am

    Really cool Sophie. You don’t want to be an ice princess or be unaware of yourself if you are jaded based on past experience. Your boundary is for yourself and sex in my humble opinion should be a playful, enjoyable, sweet experience. I don’t want my mind focused on negativity around sex.



  304.  #304Syreena on August 28, 2013 at 3:25 am

    Regards Mike Foire and boys/men and NEEDING SEX.

    This makes my blood feel like it is boiling up inside. As Rori says time to be tough!
    Please don’r read if you don’t want to hear it as it is.
    This is what I want to say to Mike Foire and any other man who pulls this needy little boy I need sex crap.

    Then use your hand and self pleasure and meet your own needs Same for a woman. Boy and girl. if you feel physically aroused and instant physical gratifaction is what you NEED!

    If a MAN wants grown up SEX/LOVE and more than intant physical gratifaction in a realtionship with me then as a WOMAN like most women the only man I want man I want to have
    have sex with is one who is emotionally mature enough and able enough to connect to me and make love to the woman I am in a comitted and exclusive loving WHOLE relationship. No friends with benifits, No boot calls. No coming on to me after looking at porn and using my body because I am the one their and available. Unless we have looked at it together in a joint mutualy connected and pleasurable way together as a couple. Not him taking a sneeky look to get himself hard then using my body as an object.

    My physical body, mind, emotional heart and spiritual soul are all connected. So if a man wants sex with me he needs to be emotionally and mentally mature enough and spiritually concious enough to connect with me on all those levels. And turn me on on all those levels.
    I don’t want to share my physical body with a NEEDY ‘man’ who just wants o physically connect with me. YUCK! I feel turned of by needy little boy/men who whine and just want instant physical gratifaction.

    If there is emotional conflict in a relationship, the conflict needs resolving in a emotinally connected adult way. Not in a physical way by having sex to try and resolve an emotional conflict. Resolve the confilct first. Rather than try and dismiss it.



  305.  #305BeLoved on August 28, 2013 at 4:49 am

    I’m not exactly sure what I’m learning about trust…but I’m learning *something*.
    I noticed that things went south really fast with both C and T when I finally felt comfortable and felt trust, to feel natural and at ease.
    I found a book on transference, and it feels like what I’ve been doing is working out my family of origin stuff around trust.

    It’s been good to “feel” trust, which feels soooo good, relaxed, easy, grounded, and to hang on to that even when things went wonky.

    It has felt SO challenging to trust myself! My choices! To admit that on one level, my trust in them may have been misplaced. It was, on one level, a mistake to try to try to cultivate trust with a guy I had such strong feelings for, who has a girlfriend and no intention of ever ever inviting me into his life. Same with T, on one level, it was a mistake to try to cultivate trust with an ex, and I lead the heck out of that.

    Yet, on another level, I did gain the experience of feeling “trust”, and kept it for myself. I am feeling trust, more and more, that I made the right choices for myself. I’m feeling more and more trust in life’s process.

    I’ve felt some struggle, and have been doing tons of EFT on forgiving myself for not acting in an “ideal” way with T when my feelings of abandonment came up. For accepting that, it wasn’t ideal…and it was still the right choice for me. It has been SO confusing, because T can speak SO convincingly, on the one hand, that he values and loves me and wants to introduce me to his new love interest…yet his ACTIONS spoke otherwise. I chose to believe what he said that felt bad, because it actually sounded most true and most congruent with his actions.

    It feels



  306.  #306ArabianLove on August 28, 2013 at 4:56 am

    @ Hanna : WOW! Do as you told me… write your own story my dear by following your heart !!!

    Good Luck 😉 !



  307.  #307BeLoved on August 28, 2013 at 5:02 am

    I’m not exactly sure what I’m learning about trust…but I’m learning *something*.
    I noticed that things went south really fast with both C and T when I finally felt comfortable and felt trust, to feel natural and at ease.
    I found a book on transference, and it feels like what I’ve been doing is working out my family of origin stuff around trust.

    It’s been good to “feel” trust, which feels soooo good, relaxed, easy, grounded, and to hang on to that even when things went wonky.

    It has felt SO challenging to trust myself! My choices! To admit that on one level, my trust in them may have been misplaced. It was, on one level, a mistake to try to try to cultivate trust with a guy I had such strong feelings for, who has a girlfriend and no intention of ever ever inviting me into his life. Same with T, on one level, it was a mistake to try to cultivate trust with an ex, and I lead the heck out of that.

    Yet, on another level, I did gain the experience of feeling “trust”, and kept it for myself. I am feeling trust, more and more, that I made the right choices for myself. I’m feeling more and more trust in life’s process.

    I’ve felt some struggle, and have been doing tons of EFT on forgiving myself for not acting in an “ideal” way with T when my feelings of abandonment came up. For accepting that, it wasn’t ideal…and it was still the right choice for me. It has been SO confusing, because T can speak SO convincingly, on the one hand, that he values and loves me and wants to introduce me to his new love interest…yet his ACTIONS spoke otherwise. I chose to believe what he said that felt bad, because it actually sounded most true and most congruent with his actions.

    It feels SO daunting to break the habit of wishful thinking! “I wish I had done this differently”.
    It’s very much a practice.
    Over and over and over again, when I notice this, I switch my focus to, “I accept and bless the way it happened.”
    Ruminating is only serving to keep me stuck.

    This morning, I felt secure and was giving myself my best smiles and happiest pep talk in the mirror. I felt GLAD to see myself. I feel determined to move forward with my life. I feel like I’ve got my own back and one way or another, it’s going to be okay.



  308.  #308ArabianLove on August 28, 2013 at 5:05 am

    Good Morning Ladies!

    I blurted out all of my feelings very late last night. He didn’t answer my call and I felt as though I needed to spill everything out or I’d bubble over.

    I told him at first that I knew he was very busy at work but that I was feeling nervous and that I could not take not hearing from my someone for a week and feel as though I have been forgotten.
    I need more. I also added I wasn’t sure that’s what he wanted though and its ok if he didn’t. I told him I’d leave him be in the meantime to focus on my work. That he knew how to contact me if he wanted to.
    I fell asleep and then woke up in a panic once again. Told him I didn’t know what I was saying. (because I feel like he has done so much for me and he is amazing … I don’t want to lose him) But that I am afraid he is ignoring me or doesn’t want me anymore. I need regular contact to feel at ease. That I was very insecure and I was sorry for being intense.

    It is in his hands now. I guess if he wants to be with me he will come around … eventually ( how long it will take I don’t know if ever… )
    Have a great day.. I’ll be back later 😉



  309.  #309Dominique on August 28, 2013 at 5:13 am

    Sophie – 301 – Yes that article went out accidentally, and then I thought – nothing is an accident, and here you are supporting my thought. Awesome. 🙂 I feel delighted it came to you when you needed it.

    xxoo



  310.  #310BeLoved on August 28, 2013 at 5:14 am

    Lisa – Some people may take this in a negative way, but I learned a lot about dealing with boundary-pushers from watching the Dog Whisperer.

    Calm, assertive energy.
    🙂

    That’s not to say it hasn’t felt painful as heck sometimes, facing what comes up in the aftermath. Some men will run like h3ll from that. I feel that’s a good thing.

    I’m also remembering an interaction with a guy several months ago, very first phone conversation. He made comments about whether I was sunbathing nude in my backyard. I told him I felt uncomfortable with those comments. He spun out of control, verbally, then whole big huge chunks of truth started spewing out and it was very clear to me that he was looking for someone he could call for last-minute plans who would also figure out where to go and handle all of the other logistics…oh, and I also learned he has a drinking problem, lol. All in that first conversation, just by saying I felt uncomfortable.

    I didn’t hear from him again…and this is the kind of guy I might have ended up in a long, messy, un-satisfying relationship with because he was interested in me, I wanted to be “nice” and “cool” and play like I could “handle” it. I can be spontaneous! I can be cool with sexual remarks in the first conversation! I can be understanding and not judge your drinking habits and go along with the crowd! I’m an independent, modern woman, I can handle making plans for our date and figure out something for us!

    *I’m* the CC cool girl! Me me me me!! Watch me! I can handle anything!!
    Until I have a meltdown and can’t handle anything because I’ve been pretending for so long, lol.

    Ick!!!!



  311.  #311Cris on August 28, 2013 at 5:19 am

    ArabianLOve, I know how you feel. I’m an expert on texting something full of passion and then regretting and sending something new…. maybe he does not know what to say for the moment. I think the best you can do now is to follow one Rori’s advice and DO NOTHING

    good luck and a big hug to you 🙂



  312.  #312Lisa on August 28, 2013 at 5:59 am

    @Syreena Go Girl… let it go…. 🙂 It’s your feelings!

    @Spohie I agree if they don’t respond then it can be crystal clear….

    @ FW I don’t think it has anything to do with past or negativity only if one makes it that way. Boundaries don’t always have to do with past… and negativity… and a person can clear their past and still not want a man to push constantly…(it isn’t always about a woman’s past) and make his intentions over and over and over again…. and we as women let it slide…

    I think that some women just let men get by with boyish behaviors… I’m not looking for a boy in a man’s body…

    its a double standard… they don’t want us to push but it’s ok b/c they are men for them to push and coax us for sex,in a covert way…try and break down our boundaries…

    I think if I’ve said clearly “we’re not there yet” or “I’ll let you know when it feels right” that should be enough of that until I let him know… no need to continue to make remarks…put hands under a dress… etc…

    “M” was wonderful that way…. he didn’t constantly coax and push the envelope! It was such a wonderful relief dating him that way… he waited for ques from me… and then when the big day came… ask me if I was ready… that was sooooo nice…. then our dates were focused on other things and I could relax…and he was a masculine man! totally! Since I’ve had that experience, I can say, I prefer it this way over the other….

    women need sex too…. just saying…

    OXOX



  313.  #313Lisa on August 28, 2013 at 6:06 am

    @Beloved YES!!!!

    I loved your post!!! That is exactly my point… if they can’t handle calm assertive….yes… and I’ve been watching the dog whisperer… I agree!

    YAY!!!!!

    OXOXOX



  314.  #314Lisa on August 28, 2013 at 6:33 am

    @ BeLoved

    I have that same dynamic going on and I’m looking at it also….

    I can’t post much, as I’m spending too much time on the blog as it is…. but I’m there with you on it…. and trying to understand it as well…

    {{{hugs}}}

    <3



  315.  #315Femininewoman on August 28, 2013 at 6:39 am

    Beloved – and this is the kind of guy I might have ended up in a long, messy, un-satisfying relationship with because he was interested in me.

    Beloved I believe in setting intentions. I encourage people around me to get rid of the “might have” mindset now because I believe so deeply in setting intentions. My experience is when I focus on setting intentions my mind find ways to cooperate with me and the Universe. So I no longer worry about long messy relationships because my intention now is to be a High Value Extremely Feminine woman.



  316.  #316Millie on August 28, 2013 at 7:17 am

    Sophie I love your honesty in sharing with him how you would like to communicate and how feeling attacked works against both of you. It sounds like a great step forward for yourself and for your relationship with him. I’m so happy to hear he responded well!! Yay! 🙂
    And yay for boundaries that help us not hinder us!!



  317.  #317Lisa on August 28, 2013 at 7:52 am

    for the sake of communication and the English language sometimes we put too much emphasis on how someone tries to communicate… and mistake it for a core belief… when they are just trying to get the point across…. doesn’t mean it is an intention….

    just my 2 cents….

    OXOX



  318.  #318BeLoved on August 28, 2013 at 8:52 am

    FW -315- I didn’t feel worried – my intention was to illustrate how telling the truth instead of pretending to be cool, disrupted an old pattern for me.
    I feel really really good about it, actually.
    I feel pride in myself for having the courage.
    I felt very exposed and vulnerable saying that and it feels so good to notice the effect that it had 🙂



  319.  #319Femininewoman on August 28, 2013 at 8:53 am

    Lovely article Dominique. Your words feel like a soothing massage to the heart and soul.

    “The sadness an ultra-sensitive feels needs to be loved, soothed and regularly, gentle, patient, kind acts towards yourself, loving rituals which nourish your heart and feed your spirit and lots of space to just BE. And really owning that you as an ultra-sensitive are a treasure to be treasured.”



  320.  #320Indigo on August 28, 2013 at 10:08 am

    MovingMagic 281

    I LOVE that 🙂



  321.  #321April Rose on August 28, 2013 at 10:15 am

    Hi Starla!!!!

    I often wonder how you’re doing. I remember you ‘leaving’ the blog quietly and decisively a while ago.

    Glad to hear you’re okay and dating happily (with best guy friend – wow!)

    What happened with QZ?



  322.  #322Indigo on August 28, 2013 at 10:15 am

    I very strongly disagree with what you wrote in your post 279.

    With pretty much all of it.

    Could not disagree more strongly.

    This is so very far from how I see sex and men I feel as if we may be living on different planets.



  323.  #323Lisa on August 28, 2013 at 10:16 am

    Self-Love Promises:

    I honor myself.
    I never settle for less than my heart and soul desire.
    All of my relationships support me to be my best me and to live my dreams, or I don’t have them.
    I give unconditional love and respect, and I expect it in return.

    C. Arylo

    OXOXO

    This doesn’t mean that all of your relationships are perfect, void of difficulty, or that you are absolved of giving the same respect and love you desire. Unconditional love and respect go both ways. It also doesn’t mean that you go cutting people out of your life without taking a good deep look at what you want from your relationships, what part you play in creating that relationship dynamic, and then taking steps to transform, let go, or grow the relationships you currently have so that every single one reflects that same unconditional love and respect you have for yourself.

    Self-love requires that you choose ME before we in every relationship, which is not about being a self-centered, narcissistic, its-all-about-me kind of person. What choosing me before we means is that because you have made a commitment to create what your heart and soul desire, and you don’t have space in your life for relationships that drag you down, hold you back, create negative ju-ju feelings (like shame, guilt, self-doubt) or take more energy than they give.

    You are a beautiful woman. Be nice to yourself. And believe you are worth being nice to



  324.  #324Dominique on August 28, 2013 at 10:20 am

    Thank you so much Femininewoman. <3

    xxoo



  325.  #325Lisa on August 28, 2013 at 10:48 am

    I’m just saying….

    it’s often I feel on another planet than others… it’s like speaking Japanese and I speak English… it just doesn’t work… that’s a huge sign for me… it’s too much work…

    and then others get me… and that feels good… but not a requirement… it’s more about me getting me….

    🙂

    OXOXO



  326.  #326Hana on August 28, 2013 at 11:40 am

    Hi Ladies! I told Mr Proposal I would feel more relaxed if we take it slow. He really wants to know if I am seeing someone else too, I said not really right now (true, just a few guys at the salsa clubs but we don’t date), and today I don’t really feel so crazy over A, it’s almost like I needed this wake up call, it hit me like a ton of bricks and I missed him overnight, then missing turned to anger then to ickiness now I just don’t want him, if I see him I probably wouldn’t like to talk to him.

    Mr proposal is sweet. But we need time. The ring shopping may never happen since I put a slow down. I just don’t want to marry for the sake of marrying. I have 2 beautiful children from my ex but I couldn’t do another marriage unless I felt true in my heart.

    Xxxxoooo



  327.  #327MovingMagic on August 28, 2013 at 11:47 am

    Indigo, reading the “showing gratitude for that which I don’t have”…really made me think. What if instead of feeling frustrated because I don’t have…(fill in blank) I chose to feel gratitude for the space it leaves in my life. The space for growth, understanding, silence, passion & understanding. It absolutely flips everything upside down.



  328.  #328Femininewoman on August 28, 2013 at 11:49 am

    Hana – hope you didn’t tell him about the guys at the salsa club. It feels expaliney to me. I believe just saying “nothing serious” is enough. You have not promised him yet to take yourself off the market and he can’t expect that you were lying around at home waiting for him to drop onto the planet.



  329.  #329Dominique on August 28, 2013 at 11:57 am

    Lisa – This may help –

    http://sexandheart.com/an-ultra-sensitives-sadness

    xxoo



  330.  #330Femininewoman on August 28, 2013 at 11:58 am

    “Self-love requires that you choose ME before we in every relationship,”

    This has me feeling like my brain is bouncing around in my head rolling around and knocking up against the sides of my head. I notice me asking myself “why can’t I choose both equally”?



  331.  #331Dominique on August 28, 2013 at 11:58 am

    MovingMagic – 327 – Also feeling thankful for all you DO have allows you to notice even more of what you DO have, AND this makes space and creates the energy for even MORE good feeling stuff.

    xxoo



  332.  #332MovingMagic on August 28, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    Dominique, I agree & also feel like showing gratitude for what we do have is a wonderful practice…one which heals in many ways. A practice which shows gratitude for the space in my life is really appealing to me. Mostly because when we stop to truly observe ourselves & our lives there’s so much opportunity for abundance.



  333.  #333Lisa on August 28, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    @Hana that sounds so healthy! Yay! you! I agree!

    @MovingMagic I totally love that …. yes! loving what is…

    @FW I think (my experience) sometimes it is… and sometimes not… nothing can be in stone… If it feels good to ME ( not in a self absorbed way) and then it feels good for “WE”… I think it means when things are off balance… then I chose me over we… but everything is a paradox… 🙂

    the thing is…sometimes you don’t need to even think about choosing… it just flows…its supportive….. just my experience…

    OXOXO



  334.  #334Cris on August 28, 2013 at 12:23 pm

    Hana, I admire you, I think you’ve taken the correct decision! xoxoxo



  335.  #335Lisa on August 28, 2013 at 12:30 pm

    @Dominique…. I totally agree on that post!!!… I too have come to understand and not feel things so much ( in a painful way) but more in an accepting way that now my sadness is lovable.. and so feminine and in touch with ….. it’s also has been viewed by men … as totally woman. At least that is what they tell me… “your a real woman”…

    I don’t feel rejection so much either anymore the more I grow the more I understand that isn’t possible….

    I don’t really desire to be part of a larger group anymore.. and I cherish that, I am my own person, and that feels so much better to me than to mold myself into someone else ideals for the sake of belonging…and yet I notice that at times, I totally do fit into a larger group… just by being me.. 🙂

    I love being my individual, authentic self…

    that is a wonderful post… I love how you have written it….

    {{{hugs}}}

    OXOXO



  336.  #336Dominique on August 28, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    Thank you, Lisa, and yay you for your awesome work on self.

    xxoo



  337.  #337Indigo on August 28, 2013 at 1:09 pm

    MovingMagic 332

    Yes so true 🙂 I have started a gratitude journal daily and it’s truly a fun exercise, looking for the small and big things and taking a moment to honour them and be grateful. It’s also made me really cognizant of the simple pleasures in my life that I glossed over before.

    xx



  338.  #338Hana on August 28, 2013 at 1:09 pm

    Arabian Love, how do you feel now? Are you relieved?



  339.  #339Hana on August 28, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    Lisa, thank you for your words of support. I love your enthusiasm, I wish I had that many men circling around moi! Does it overwhelm you or would you have it no other way??



  340.  #340Indigo on August 28, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    Lisa 325

    I do hear what you are saying. And I think I understand your viewpoint and what you were saying in your posts.

    And I feel so differently. I just see it all so differently.

    It’s a life lesson of mine to make peace with other viewpoints, so thank you for bringing that up for me, and I hope you find a way of being around this sexual attention issue that feels comfortable for you.

    xx



  341.  #341Hana on August 28, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    Hey FW, thanks! I never explained much about guys that I know to him. He’s seen me at the club once when he came to surprise me, he saw how sexy I dance he thinks it’s cool .. But I’m glad he doesn’t come anymore because I like my freedom, and it’s fun, it’s my favorite CD’ing when I Salsa!

    Xo



  342.  #342LoveAlways on August 28, 2013 at 2:28 pm

    Waiting for my date! Any minute now. Leaving all the old stuff behind. New siren approach. Spoke to my other cd just a minute ago. He triggered me. But that is a story for another time. Wish me well!



  343.  #343LoveAlways on August 28, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    Still working on their cd names . . .



  344.  #344Hana on August 28, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    Good luck Love Always!! And btw, you look smashing with that attitude on 🙂



  345.  #345LoveAlways on August 28, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    Cdbuilder



  346.  #346LoveAlways on August 28, 2013 at 2:31 pm

    Cdbeemer



  347.  #347Lisa on August 28, 2013 at 2:31 pm

    @Hana Thanks! I don’t really feel overwhelmed – I’ve been dating 3 men a week for long time.. except when with “M”… I take breaks.. but I do very well… being fresh with each one.. being present with each one…giving them my full attention… until one works out…

    @Indigo…. I have no issues with sex, and I have no issues being around sex, expressing myself sexually, talking about sex, I’m very healthy that way… however, I have an issue with being pushed or coaxed when I say NO I’m not ready… then that should be respected ( if he wants to continue to date me)… that’s all…

    Dog Whisperer!

    other women may interpret that as having issues with sex… It isn’t.. I have issues with being pushed…..

    I’m a flirt and have fun… I can roll with the guys, joke etc… but when I’m dating a man… and I make a clear line… then I wish that to be respected, just as I would for him… that’s all…

    If someone says his feet are very sensitive, and I say Oh ok… but then I keep testing it… and touching them and trying to coax them into letting me touch their feet ( cuz that is what I want) then that person is going to feel bad.. b/c I’m pushing my wishes on them… and I’m not leaving their feet along…and I’m not respecting their boundaries…. 😉

    it isn’t about sex…. not at all…

    OXOX



  348.  #348LoveAlways on August 28, 2013 at 2:32 pm

    He can’t find my building and I want to give him directions but I won’t. Total girl mode!



  349.  #349LoveAlways on August 28, 2013 at 2:33 pm

    Thank you Hana!



  350.  #350LoveAlways on August 28, 2013 at 2:33 pm

    My first date as siren II



  351.  #351LoveAlways on August 28, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    I am going to enjoy myself, and it feels good to anticipate it



  352.  #352ArabianLove on August 28, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    @Cris : Thank you ! Maybe he doesn’t know what to say right now. I will do nothing as you suggested for there is nothing left to do anyways.

    @Hana : Yes I do feel very relieved … I said what I had to … if he’s meant for me he will come around. I’ve been blessed with loads of work to keep my mind off of things 😛 !



  353.  #353Lisa on August 28, 2013 at 2:40 pm

    on a side note:

    my opinion here is that men that have the rape culture attitude ( again not their fault) that women really don’t mean NO and that women want them to work for it, we like to be pushed and coaxed and teased and have the covert remarks/jokes…until they give in and women think that is ok… and they put up with it… then they are reinforcing that same mentality… and men get to be right about women…. and the cycle continues…

    I don’t think men would like it, if we joked about their penis size… ? so why should I put up with breast jokes… its a double standard…to me..

    if however women mean what they say and say what they mean… the cycle will stop…so does the games…

    I’m finding for myself that if I want that in a man, then I have to be it myself… so I decided to stop putting up with those behaviors… I’m not going to chuckle when a man makes a joke about my breasts… or laugh when he says a crude remark about how he’d like to show me a hard time (pun intended)… it isn’t funny… I’m laughing b/c that is what society taught me to do…deep down in my bones.. I didn’t feel good about it.. which is what I thought Rori’s tools did… maybe I’m wrong…??

    as a mother of a young girl and one grown… I take this mentality personally… this woman told me about her teen daughter standing there when young men ( early teens) were making remarks about her breasts.. and she kind of chuckled.. and I TOTALLY realized in that moment what was going on!!!… it wasn’t funny, she was chuckling b/c that is what she thought she was suppose to do. the mentality that “boys will be boys” and that it is ok and flirty to make those comments.. made me cry! I don’t want that for my daughters… it isn’t OK! ( for me and her and lots of other women) its degrading… it chips away.. at us…

    When I was with “M” he would say “I find you irresistible” that felt good, that was a turn on.. not “let me show you a hard time”.. just my 2 cents…

    we all experience things differently….and have different views… it’s all good…

    OXOXO



  354.  #354Lisa on August 28, 2013 at 2:43 pm

    @LoveAlways you go girl! Be that feminine diva…have fun!

    OXOX



  355.  #355Mercedes on August 28, 2013 at 2:51 pm

    Lisa: I hope these aren’t the only men you are coming into contact with. From my experience, there are lots and lots and LOTS of men out there (my sons included) who know how to treat a lady and how to speak to and in front of ladies. They are not at all a part of this “rape culture” you speak of (words that trigger me a lot by the way). Many, many men would never even consider making remarks/jokes about a woman’s breasts or anything else related to her sexuality. Especially not in front of a woman (I can’t begin to speak of what happens in guy only “locker type” conversations but I’m speaking of how these men behave when in the presence of a woman).

    I know countless men who wouldn’t dream of acting the way you are describing men. They weren’t all raised that way and they wouldn’t all put a woman in a situation where she had to be blunt or put a stop to it or tell it like it is. I’m sure those men exist but I know they don’t hang out in my circle of friends, that’s for sure.

    I hope that you also have connections with groups of people (including men) who treat others with respect. You deserve to be surrounded by those people. Not the men you speak of. I don’t think most men behave in the way that you describe. If it were me, I’m pretty sure I would remove myself from those circles of people and seek out a more respectful, professional, considerate group of men to associate with.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  356.  #356Lisa on August 28, 2013 at 3:06 pm

    @Mercedes

    That is what I was saying when I said “M” didn’t say those things… yes!

    I’m not sure why it was communicated that all men are like this…it wasn’t my thinking or my intent to type it out that way. some have been taught better for sure!!!…. and no I don’t want to hang around them… I was more in explanation of, my last date with “M2” and that it was considered flirting and testing as acceptable behavior…when he said “wear something with easy access”…

    I didn’t make up the term rape culture… you can google it… it is the term that is politically correct.. and for good reason…

    I’m totally not bashing men… I love men! in my earlier post. it is a culture thing… and even if they do it in the locker room… that still means that they do it… and might even have that mentality. We are evolving… this is the process..

    YES! there are men that don’t do it, and there are men that don’t treat women like sex objects.. totally!

    I don’t hang around men long when they say those things… I haven’t went out with “M2” again… after about 15 remarks that evening, and him putting his hand up my dress ( just at the hem but sliding up) at dinner, I was not feeling good…

    I know typed communications are hard sometimes to really know what the person is meaning.. but so GLAD you ask those questions!

    I just really had a ah ha moment yesterday when I found where I was chuckling about a remark that didn’t feel good inside….

    and posting about how I’m not buying into it anymore the change needs to come from me….I can’t change men…

    OXOX



  357.  #357ArabianLove on August 28, 2013 at 3:09 pm

    You know what though Hanna … at the same time that I feel relieved, I feel like crying and I just want him to stop this nonsense and be the man I need.



  358.  #358Zia on August 28, 2013 at 3:50 pm

    I guy who I had a major crush on in my teens (almost 20 years ago) popped up yesterday hehehe, that was fun!



  359.  #359Zia on August 28, 2013 at 3:51 pm

    he’s only gotten better with age



  360.  #360Emerson on August 28, 2013 at 4:12 pm

    Sirens I’m taking a different approach to CDs that frustrate me…
    Giving the benefit if the doubt that maybe they are not “smooth” but still a quality man. I am exercising patience but also keeping my boundaries!



  361.  #361Syreena on August 28, 2013 at 4:33 pm

    I get what you are saying lisa re rape culture.

    Also is it really ok that they say it in the locker room when we are not around but know not to say it infront of us.?

    How about being taught and learning that women are not just a pair of boobs/pussy or objects of casual objectifaction and are people
    and not doing this at all?

    Society as a whole helps creates this.



  362.  #362Hana on August 28, 2013 at 4:39 pm

    Cris, muchas gracias! I hardly deserve this admiration, but I’m working on being wiser and kinder to myself.

    Hope you are well Chica!

    Xxoo huggggs



  363.  #363Hana on August 28, 2013 at 4:44 pm

    Arabian Love, I hear what you are saying, I would be unkind I were to say, it doesn’t matter what he does. What matters is that we can control our own actions, we can count on ourselves. We can work to inspire men, but we can’t guarentee the outcome or their choices. Why do you think dating other men would not be a choice for you?

    Xxoo



  364.  #364ArabianLove on August 28, 2013 at 5:23 pm

    It didn’t feel like the right thing to do to someone that I am seeing regularly. Does not feel good at all, especially when I think that I would be offended if he were dating someone else at the same time. How could he trust me if I did? I could not trust him .

    I guess it does work because the guy might start to panick and do everything to be with you I suppose. I’m not sure …



  365.  #365Lisa on August 28, 2013 at 5:24 pm

    @Syreena YES! that is my point.. and no I don’t believe it is ok for them to say it in the locker room, b/c if they do, then they are just not saying it in front of women and they still believe it…or if they don’t believe it…. still doing it out of peer pressure…

    I totally agree with you!!!

    OXOXO



  366.  #366ArabianLove on August 28, 2013 at 5:26 pm

    Not the right thing to do to my boyfriend. For me anyways !



  367.  #367Hana on August 28, 2013 at 5:26 pm

    Arabian Goddess, you go girl, keep those wheels turning, what does Rori teach about the benefits of CDing and you should give it a shot before you rule it out.

    HUG



  368.  #368Hana on August 28, 2013 at 5:28 pm

    Arabian, if you were to ask me what I prefer, a boyfriend or a husband, guess what I’d say?



  369.  #369ArabianLove on August 28, 2013 at 5:30 pm

    Ahahahaha Arabian GODDESS 😛 I like that!!!

    Thank you Hana, you have a great energy!



  370.  #370ArabianLove on August 28, 2013 at 5:31 pm

    I just feel like talking about it for now lol



  371.  #371ArabianLove on August 28, 2013 at 5:32 pm

    Hmmm a husband cuz he’s truly committed to you (in principle)!



  372.  #372Hana on August 28, 2013 at 5:41 pm

    What would you choose Arabian Goddess?



  373.  #373Hana on August 28, 2013 at 5:42 pm

    Zia! How did he look after all that time, how was that?



  374.  #374ArabianLove on August 28, 2013 at 5:47 pm

    Im still young…. ultimately a husband of course.



  375.  #375ArabianLove on August 28, 2013 at 6:06 pm

    I just don’t want to start over … It sucks! There are so many creeps. I’m not interested in… But the last 2 guys I have had something with have been so handsome and my boyfriend (if I can still call him that) was amazing except for the not calling.



  376.  #376Hana on August 28, 2013 at 6:08 pm

    Love Always, looking forward to hearing about the date!

    Arabian Goddess, how old are you if I may ask? I am 34. I suppose it’s more reason to CD, but then again…I am not the person to give the proper advice. I married my first love (even though it’s a long story, and I didn’t follow my intuition that told me don’t marry him).



  377.  #377ArabianLove on August 28, 2013 at 6:10 pm

    I am 23.



  378.  #378Hana on August 28, 2013 at 6:19 pm

    If only I had Rori at that age!!!



  379.  #379Liquid Light on August 28, 2013 at 6:23 pm

    @Lisa

    Jumping in here mid-stream in the conversation but I think this is so interesting. And brings up stuff for me and my last relationship.

    Men show us who they are early on and it is up to us how we react to these clues. As for me, I swept a lot of things under the rug because I didn’t want to see them. I was so into his good looks, charm, humor and fine dining and wine, and music shows and trips…etc etc etc

    Anyway, the point is, they show us who they are and we have to smart about seeing the signs. Regarding that disrespectful rude man who tried to put his hand up your skirt and made lots of sexual comments. He showed you who he was when he said wear something that had easy access. And you choose to play it down. I’m not saying this was right or wrong but sure enough, his true character came out very quickly (lucky for you).

    Anyway, I’m just hoping for myself that I wont’ sweep these kinds of signs (and I had plenty of them with my ex) under the carpet next time.

    I’m sure I will get jumped on for the comments, as usual here…

    But honestly why do we tolerate such bad behavior from so many men??? That’s what we need to really to do and look deep down in ourselves and ask ourselves WHY???

    Lisa, it sounds like you have moved on from that loser. Bravo to you!!! 🙂



  380.  #380ArabianLove on August 28, 2013 at 6:25 pm

    LOL



  381.  #381ArabianLove on August 28, 2013 at 6:28 pm

    See Hana I do feel much lighter and better today and tonight! No Panic attacks!!!

    But quite honestly, I still have the expectation that he call me back sometime soon though what i wrote could send him running.



  382.  #382Tereana on August 28, 2013 at 9:11 pm

    Hana, that is so great about your proposal! That sounds very smart of you not to say yes right away. It’s not a no, it’s just too soon. It’s not a “h*ll yes” for you yet. But it gives him a chance to make it that for you : )

    Lisa – did that guy really try to put his hand up your skirt? Ew. It’s true. Men do show is who they are. And my gut reaction to comments like that is that they are never really a joke. Because the guy wouldn’t say it if be wasn’t thinking it. I’m sorry you had to go through that…



  383.  #383Tereana on August 28, 2013 at 9:13 pm

    Emerson, I don’t know why, but I get the feeling that if we were ever to hang out in person, it would be really awesome! Probably true for a lot of the women here, but I just feel like I connect with a lot of what you write.

    You rock!



  384.  #384Indigo on August 28, 2013 at 9:20 pm

    Mercedes 355

    That is how I felt too. I was triggered by the words “rape culture”… it would never even occur to me to think of most men that way, and I live in a country with the highest incidence of rape in the world!

    I have 2 wonderful sweet brothers and I know so many men who have the utmost affection and high regard for women. Even one of them may occasionally say something silly because of something they may have heard or just blurting it out in the moment, but it doesn’t begin to go to their character or values. I feel really triggered by the suggestion that as families or as society we are raising boys who think it’s ok to rape or objectify women. That’s just not what I see at all. The vast majority of men I know would be horrified by that.

    As for the notion that we can control what men say in locker rooms or what they think, are we the thought police? Do we have control over anything other than how we choose to behave, or whom we choose to spend our time with?

    Sorry Lisa, none of this is directed at you specifically. I am glad you were able to be in touch with what made you feel good on that date. xx



  385.  #385Tereana on August 28, 2013 at 9:20 pm

    I was going to say that I was having the easiest period ever, but now the cramps are starting… Oh well. I can handle it. I’ll probably sleep through it, mostly.

    I’ve been feeling just a little bit paranoid, lately. Thinking people don’t like me, which I know isn’t true, it just feels like it is. I have one friend who won’t call me back right now. She said she wanted to do something with me, but now she’s not responding to my call or texts, or even Facebook posts. I didn’t know I was stalking her, but now I feel like I am. I don’t know why this makes me anxious. We used to hang out all the time when we were younger. We both have narcissistic moms (we realized when I saw her recently). She seems cooler than me, and she’s the one with the kid and the Indian husband. But maybe she’s really not. Maybe she just hides it. Maybe she’s got her own issues, otherwise she’d get back to me and not leave me hanging.

    Oh well. I’m going to do my own thing. If she doesn’t want to do it with me, too bad. It’s my thing anyway. She’s got her own stuff.



  386.  #386Tereana on August 28, 2013 at 9:21 pm

    For a chat from a guy on the Indian dating site. He was a cute 24 year old who thought I was 23. Lol. I’m 33 : )



  387.  #387Millie on August 29, 2013 at 2:02 am

    I went out with a man on a first date two weekends ago. It was a great date! BUT he never followed up. A mutual friend is having a going away party and I asked if this man is going to be there, she said maybe, and told me that from what she gathered the reason he didn’t call me is because he wasn’t sure if I liked him…and HE was waiting for me to call/text first to indicate to him that I was interested! WHAT?! This angers me a bit because I feel I communicated how I felt, which was “I like you” while I was with him. I do not want to chase after men and I certainly do not want to be with a man who expects me to do the initiating. I now trust that a man knows what he wants and if I am what he wants he will make the effort. I trust that. I will not put effort towards a man who does not take action to see me. I am SO proud of myself for leaning back with this man. What a waste of time leaning forward would have been…



  388.  #388Sophie on August 29, 2013 at 2:23 am

    Yay Millie I love that – perfect example of how leaning back gives us an indication of how a man may be…

    Thank you for your comment re. communication with CDB – it felt good to be able to express it and to be heard and now I have it in writing so I can refer to it again ha – neither of us want to fight but neither or us have learnt particularly great communication – I definitely still need a lot of healing around my defence defaults

    Tereana (HUGS) I’ve been having some funny things with some of my friends too and I feel sad about that…with me I think I just change or they do and we move in and out of each others lives but it feels the same as with CDs – I have been reflecting on this recently



  389.  #389Zia on August 29, 2013 at 2:39 am

    In this past week, emotional ties to two exs have been released. I just have HouseEx now and I have a feeling that will happen very soon too.



  390.  #390Lisa on August 29, 2013 at 4:37 am

    @Indigo

    no problem….. again we all have different experiences… views

    however, I did say, I can’t change men, I have to change myself…and it isn’t about policing their locker room chat… it’s about that fact that that chat and beliefs are just there…

    It’s no different than the old beliefs about race and women’s rights back when I was born… just a cultural belief system that needed to be changed… it takes time…

    I think some of what I said was misinterpreted….

    anyone that is concerned can google rape culture and read about it…

    OXOX



  391.  #391ArabianLove on August 29, 2013 at 5:07 am

    I am a wreck this morning!
    I don’t think he will call me back … which proves what we had was meaningless to him.
    I feel unhappy, not in the mood to go to work.



  392.  #392ArabianLove on August 29, 2013 at 5:09 am

    Must look on the bright side of things though 🙂 ! I’m alive and well health wise. I have a loving family. I have a job to go to that is extremely rewarding. I have so much ! 🙂 !!!

    Maybe I will get back to dating other people 🙂 … Hana you have influenced my decision a little ;)! But I still have lots of work to do now not sure I have the time to be meeting new people.

    xxxx



  393.  #393Sophie on August 29, 2013 at 5:43 am

    391 – (((ArabianLove))) In my experience we never really know why a man is doing what a man is doing and can often misinterpret the meanings behind their actions – I do it all the time 🙂 and have finally come to see this! his delayed response may not mean that it was meaningless for him…

    Hooray to you for looking to the bright side 🙂 this is the only thing we really can know…how to put the focus back on our own well-being and feeling good – yay you! 🙂



  394.  #394Femininewoman on August 29, 2013 at 6:13 am

    Millie I get what you are saying but really there is no reason to be angry. His experience is his and he filters his world through his experiences. He might just not be used to feminine women. The ways of the world have many of us confused about our roles in relationships so I say cut that guy some slack.

    I also figure that like most of us, he has his insecurities. For all you know he must be wondering why a a girl as hot as you would want to be with someone like him. He is likely thinking you are out of his league no matter how hot you might think he is. If you are going to make up a story might as well make it a good one with you as the star 🙂



  395.  #395Femininewoman on August 29, 2013 at 6:18 am

    “because he wasn’t sure if I liked him”

    This is a big clue. Regardless of what you SAY he needs to FEEL that you do like him. He is telling himself stories too and only his feelings will bypass his logical mind. I would bring this all back to me and look at the date again so I can get clues for my next date with whomever. Maybe if you pour love all over yourself it will be oozing out of your pores so he can help but feel love and loved around you and in your aura.

    Also after a first date, how much can you really like a guy romantically? He is a stranger.



  396.  #396Femininewoman on August 29, 2013 at 6:38 am

    “The vast majority of men I know would be horrified by that”.

    Me too Indigo. As a matter of fact it is something I have discussed with men, especially around cases in the news and most guys react like one would expect a father would if it was his daughter. They know a lot of girls can and are affected but I don’t find that men in general have that type of mentality about women. I also like the idea that the presence of a female is powerful enough to influence a man’s thinking, his choice of words and his behavior.



  397.  #397Hana on August 29, 2013 at 6:38 am

    Arabian Goddess, Sophie is right, horray for you for being able to focus on the bright side (that always reminds me monty python scene).



  398.  #398Sophie on August 29, 2013 at 6:52 am

    396 – in my experience this is absolutely the case Fw that a man can be influenced by a woman – I find that a lot of men will approach me in ways which I could easily take offence to but they don’t mean offence – generally they are trying to play or flatter or please me – if I say I feel uncomfortable or I don’t like that they more than often are a bit abashed and apologetic – they didn’t realise there was anything wrong but they want to please

    I have only ever come across one man who really tried to intimidate me he told me I should watch myself going out dressed as I was but I saw that as a problem of his – not a cultural problem – the rest of the men in the club absolutely had my back

    My experience is that most men admire and desire women and whereas sometimes their actions may be misguided and sometimes they may be confused by the cultural messages to the point of not really knowing how to be or what to expect from a woman they enjoy the direction that we can give them from our boundaries

    I’m not sure about what I’m writing as my intention may be misunderstood…i certainly dont like the term rape culture or believe in it – it feels like media hype to me – but I also don’t like the very mixed messages around about sex (I remember it being confusing when I was young and I should imagine it is even more confusing now from some of the things I hear and see) – it would be nice to see some shift in cultural thinking so as the sacred and spiritual was recognised as well as the physical but all I can do is be demonstrative of that with my own actions – I don’t see it as a gender issue I see it as a sex issue both for men and women…



  399.  #399Mercedes on August 29, 2013 at 6:54 am

    Lisa: I knew you didn’t make the phrase up. It triggers me because I think it’s really, really unfair to generalize large groups (enough to make a “culture” anyway) of people in such terms. I also hate the word “rape” being used for anything other than what it is…and what it is, is a very, very individual thing…not an entire culture.

    These of course are just my beliefs and views on it. The very definition (wikipedia) is nothing like the country I live in. I absolutely do not believe the USA as a whole fits this definition:

    “Rape culture is a concept which links rape and sexual violence to the culture of a society,[1] and in which prevalent attitudes and practices normalize, excuse, tolerate, or even condone rape.[2]
    Examples of behaviors commonly associated with rape culture include victim blaming, sexual objectification, and trivializing rape. Rape culture has been used to model behavior within social groups, including prison systems and conflict areas where war rape is used as psychological warfare. Entire countries have also been alleged to be rape cultures.”

    I do believe there are people who would fit that category but it’s certainly not the norm from the men I know…and I know lots of men.

    With regard to the locker room conversations…I wasn’t saying these men DO talk like that when women are not around. I said I can’t speak to that. I have no idea what they say when I’m not around. I’d hate to just assume they are being this way when there are no women around…I have absolutely no reason to believe they do…but I wouldn’t know for sure. I’d need them to tell me these are the things they talk about in order for me to know that. What I DO know is that the men I know absolutely do not fit the above description. I think I’ve met a few men who do but certainly not enough of them to believe it is our culture.

    Hope that clears up what I was trying to say. Again, just my thoughts on it. The men I know and love are the culture I believe we live in…not the above.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  400.  #400Mercedes on August 29, 2013 at 6:59 am

    I posted a comment clarifying my thoughts on the phrase (why it triggers me) and on culture and on locker room conversations. It is in moderation. 🙁 Hopefully it gets let out of editing jail soon and everyone will have a chance to read it. In the meantime, I have a lot of work to do and most likely won’t be back around until Tuesday or Wednesday so I do want to say enjoy the holiday everyone…stay safe…love lots.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  401.  #401Lisa on August 29, 2013 at 7:54 am

    @FW horrified by what… comments to women or rape itself…

    again, I think it is being taken out of context…

    @Sophie I agree to some degree and yet even growing up in a culture that was race based people said things just b/c it was a societal thing, deep down them may not have meant to hurt someone or be a racist…

    it certainly isn’t a sex thing or a gender thing…. it is a mentality based on generations of talk… and women contribute to it also… it’s not one sided..

    on a side note:
    and it is called rape culture for a specific reason…. anyone can inquire about why and the history behind it… they might understand…

    I think sometimes the name gets a quick judgement…

    and yet it isn’t even about meaning to be mean… it’s about me not wanting to feel bad with a man and if I state that I don’t feel good about it, then it keeps happening it would be wise of me, to re-consider..

    OXOXO



  402.  #402Veronica on August 29, 2013 at 8:21 am

    Indigo – 277 – : )



  403.  #403Femininewoman on August 29, 2013 at 8:40 am

    The vast majority of men I know would be horrified by the suggestion that as families or as society we are raising boys who think it’s ok to rape or objectify women.



  404.  #404Lisa on August 29, 2013 at 9:54 am

    @FW I agree on the rape thing but the objectify…. I can’t agree… b/c so many people don’t even know what objectify a woman means and the context in which it might be used is endless… just like jokes about certain races or religions… have been for eons…… and continues on with Women… and gays etc… in this culture we have a long long way to go…

    IMO

    OXOXO



  405.  #405Magic Seahorse on August 29, 2013 at 10:34 am

    In the convo happening about the rape culture i am feeling a tie in with the mtv Miley C dance she did. I felt sad to see her dance like that. I feel ………………. a lot of emotions around this subject.

    On another note…………………. awhile ago i had commented that I had men say some very uncomfortable things to me. There were some post about it and I remember one that had said that when my vibe changes it will stop. I am happy to report that it did. I only just got that yesterday! 🙂 I can feel the ones who are on the periphery of my awareness when I am out and about………………. I feel my energy stay with me in my boundary and …………………….. and it’s strange at first, more comfortable now…….. feels really secure and not leaky…………… I like how I wrote that!!!!!!!!! 🙂



  406.  #406Indigo on August 29, 2013 at 10:41 am

    Feminine Woman 402

    That’s also how I feel. The vast majority of men I know hold their mothers and sisters in reverence.



  407.  #407Indigo on August 29, 2013 at 10:44 am

    Tereana,

    I am intrigued by your attraction to Indian men.

    Several of my staff members are indian guys, and whilst I would never cross that line with them, I find them very charming and really enjoy the way they are. 🙂 There is a charisma and a delightfulness that makes me feel all tingley inside.



  408.  #408Lisa on August 29, 2013 at 10:46 am

    @Magic Seahorse

    I wasn’t feeling good when I saw the MC dance either and so glad my child didn’t see it…

    and I’m so happy to hear things shifted for you….

    and I hear you about vibe… and I can’t say it happens to me all the time… so it does with some men and others are very respectful and aware of it… but I’m grateful for the opportunity to speak up and not giggle my way through it now… so they can keep coming and then I can practice saying it in a more serious way… I don’t like it…

    see how they respond… so far it is working good… and not even about sex… today it was about prying questions that were too personal ….

    OXOX



  409.  #409redbutterfly on August 29, 2013 at 10:49 am

    Hana, I’m so happy you took time to think about things and are taking things slow with Mr. Proposal! Best wishes to you, I am sure you will figure it all out!



  410.  #410MovingMagic on August 29, 2013 at 10:57 am

    I think there is alot that goes into how a man (not all men) treat women. Emotional environments, media, cultural…however you want to look at it, label it, & judge it is your story line. It’s up to us as women to decide what we will/won’t tolerate & be a part of. When I’ve had men over step my personal boundary they are made aware…firmly.

    Boundaries have been coming up alot for me in conversations. One of my close girlfriends received a phone call yesterday from a man she had unprotected sex with…seems he has a treatable std.
    Hmm…it’s a great opportunity to get very clear about these kind of boundaries.



  411.  #411Femininewoman on August 29, 2013 at 10:58 am

    Lisa we objectify our own selves and I believe it is best we focus on changing that in ourselves before we save the world



  412.  #412Lisa on August 29, 2013 at 11:13 am

    @FW

    this is totally gotten way out of context… and I disagree in lots of ways… and that is OK..

    I stated several times women contribute… 🙁

    and I can still speak up regardless! and say what I don’t like… that was the entire point of my post… and I thought Rori’s work… but that seems to get lost here sometimes..

    I have no desire to save the world and it isn’t even possible to save the world..(IMO). that’s hopeless… the only thing we can do is work on ourselves.. ( I stated that several times too) and there is nothing to save! It’s a process of evolution… doesn’t mean it isn’t something that can be worked on…

    If someone wants to save the world they can, not me… I’m posting about ME and my feelings and my realizations about my feelings and my personal growth…



  413.  #413MovingMagic on August 29, 2013 at 11:19 am

    FeminineWoman, have you read the poem “I Wanted to Change the World”? It’s listed as written by an unknown monk. I think you would enjoy it.



  414.  #414Indigo on August 29, 2013 at 11:20 am

    Feminine Woman

    “He is telling himself stories too and only his feelings will bypass his logical mind.”

    Thank you for posting this. This is amazing.



  415.  #415Hana on August 29, 2013 at 11:41 am

    Hi Tereana, so kind of you! It was so easy for me to be like “yeah, let’s do it” (when I realize he actually wasn’t joking) when he’s standing in front of Cartier. He’s my parents Ideal, but for me, he’s just a lovely man who came to me when I was and still am in love and getting over someone. He has given me space, but he wants to see me on Sat. Hey, what do you think, is it unusual for a man to want to marry a woman he’s never had intercourse with? He isn’t exactly desperate, he’s pretty cool.



  416.  #416Hana on August 29, 2013 at 11:42 am

    Redbutterfly, thank you for showing confidence in me, that feels good!

    I love your nickname..



  417.  #417Hana on August 29, 2013 at 11:44 am

    Arabian Goddess,

    How are you?

    I believe that dating other men will make you feel desirable, and if I can do it, a single working mother of 2 little boys, then I bet you will have no problem!! Hope you are well…
    Xx



  418.  #418Hana on August 29, 2013 at 11:51 am

    Just a funny story!

    A man on okcupid sent me a mail teeling me he searched for people who danced Salsa and found me- I recognized him right away because I have seen him at the club Babaluu, and I was a bit surprised because he never asked me to dance, but I did notice him staring at me more than once.

    I sent him back a message saying I’ve seen him at the clubs, we didn’t exchange much more after that.

    I saw him a few times, but probably because my hair is shorter he didn’t put 2 and 2 together… Hehe

    So, last Tuesday I was hanging with my girls, and merenge song was playing, I guess I was just enjoying watching him since he isn’t really a wonderful dancer but I can tell he loves the dance.

    So, yesterday he sends me an email saying he knows who I am! Lol, and realized who I was because quote I was watching his feet and laughing at him unquote. Lol!!

    So we exchanged a few times more msgs, but when I asked him if he thought I was so cute why didn’t he talk to me in person before, he said ok truth telling time, he had asked me to dance twice! And both times I said no! Huh??? I don’t recall that at all!!! But…I thought that was a cute story anyway….he has a phd and is a professor, young one man, like early 30’s, but tonight is his last night before school begins that he’ll be dancing.

    Will he have the guts to say something to me?
    He’s cute…



  419.  #419Femininewoman on August 29, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    Hana good story about how we close ourselves off from love and also how sensitive men are to the regular rejection they get.



  420.  #420Femininewoman on August 29, 2013 at 12:39 pm

    MovingMagic I have to look it up. Never heard of it



  421.  #421Femininewoman on August 29, 2013 at 12:41 pm

    Lisa I feel amazing at how you seem to take things personal



  422.  #422Femininewoman on August 29, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    Thank you MovingMagic, he makes a good point.



  423.  #423Emerson on August 29, 2013 at 12:44 pm

    383 tereana
    Awww <3 ditto!

    about your friend not responding, I know how you feel but just remembwr she is probably going thru her own stuff and also with a baby may be feelig maxed out and stressed out…lean back (just like we do with CDs) and give some space I'm sure she will come around…
    Also maybe she is having a hard time and does not want to admit it or share… I understand that.
    Just speculating here and reminder not to take it personal.
    I also had an experience like this and my friend finally replied but I had to accept out friendship changed forever after she got married and had kids. Everyone is different but she chose to no longer make time for me and I had to accept it. I have other friends that are married with kids and they still make time for our friendship.
    Sucks but I have has to let some friends drift away…



  424.  #424Femininewoman on August 29, 2013 at 12:59 pm

    BTW Hana since I have started following Rori I have made a paradigm shift. A proposal is not a proposal without a ring and deed for a house.



  425.  #425Indigo on August 29, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    Emerson,

    I agree with you. I had a friend whom I was close to for many years who was always contacting me to do things together when she was single, and when she got involved in a serious relationship, became much more scarce until with her engagement and marriage, she stopped making time for our friendship at all and lost all interest.

    Ultimately I didn’t hold it against her because I figured I finally saw her true colours, and because I figured she had outgrown our friendship, but it actually was a release for me. You make space for different, more-suited-to-you people to come into your life.

    There was a time when the leaving of someone from my life used to affect me with great sadness, but now I just see it as part of my journey, a sign of growth and shedding, a “just isness”.



  426.  #426Femininewoman on August 29, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    “Anger … it’s a paralyzing emotion … you can’t get anything done. People sort of think it’s an interesting, passionate, and igniting feeling — I don’t think it’s any of that — it’s helpless … it’s absence of control — and I need all of my skills, all of the control, all of my powers … and anger doesn’t provide any of that — I have no use for it whatsoever.”

    [Interview with CBS radio host Don Swaim, September 15, 1987.]”
    ― Toni Morrison



  427.  #427Hana on August 29, 2013 at 1:52 pm

    Lol! Well, no deed for house, but he did buy me a Pandora ring and then took me to Cartier and ask me if he can buy me a real ring after he proposed the question. But I thought he was joking… Nway, no engagement for me yet. Not ready for him. I tried to imagine myself waking up every morning with him, and didn’t feel that wow. Then, I imagined myself waking up to A every morning for the rest of myself, I saw us kissing romantically and making love passionately. So either I’m sick in the head lol or really know who I want. Even though, I can’t have it right now.



  428.  #428Lisa on August 29, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    @Mercedes

    Yes, I’m aware of the definition… and I totally understand where your coming from… that is your experience and we can only speak from our experience… 🙂

    Mine is different in that I also know lots of men.. and am around lots of men, have friends etc…

    and even the most timid and insecure man, or even married men I’ve know still has some of those beliefs… they tell me these things.. And again this doesn’ t mean I think ALL men are this way.. but lots of them are… kind of hard for me to say this society isn’t that way…

    So, though again, I’m not saying they are mean! I’m saying that as a whole lot of men have this mentality at least a tiny bit… and again, NOT all men…

    and yes, I do understand what you meant about the locker room, perhaps, I could have used another analogy.. so it wouldn’t seem as though I was targeting you… sorry…

    I just feel that as a society we still have work to do on our beliefs around this subject…

    and I’m totally honoring your experience… it just isn’t mine.. doesn’t mean I don’t just love men, think their adorable, lovable, and fun etc… I do! Doesn’t mean that I hate men, or bash men, I don’t. ( sounds like some took it that way, they got really defensive)

    Again, this isn’t about gender, it’s about a mentality that has been passed down…

    but my posts were about me, my feelings about what I had learned… and it got really taken in a way too personal way… when it was really about me and my speaking up…for myself…

    @FW I can say the same… ??

    OXOX



  429.  #429Millie on August 29, 2013 at 2:07 pm

    Syreena–304 Love this!! am in full support and agreement!



  430.  #430MovingMagic on August 29, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    Indigo, I love that – “just isness”. I’ve maintained an open palm attitude toward letting people go as I’ve gotten more in tune with myself, too. I’ve discovered that it’s simply just okay. Bruce Lee says to “be like water”…and I agree.

    I’m contemplating a new tattoo on my arm symbolizing flowing water. I love the idea of a constant, visual reminder. 🙂



  431.  #431Cris on August 29, 2013 at 2:16 pm

    I’m married a man that, if not Mr Right, I can tell you is very close, and he did not give me a ring before our wedding. And I don’t care at all!



  432.  #432Millie on August 29, 2013 at 2:16 pm

    FeminineWoman 394/395

    Thank you for your comments…. I don’t feel truly “angry” with him, I feel more like, HUH?!….as you said it was only a first date, but I was hoping he’d call again, so I did feel a bit disappointed when I heard he wasn’t going to and why.
    The date lasted almost a full day and I left feeling amazing! Playing it back, there is nothing I would do different. I did feel love for myself the whole day and felt in the moment the whole day! It was wonderful, and I did share how I felt….honestly I wouldn’t have changed a thing! It does come down to how he perceives me and as you said the story he tells himself. I’m not really telling myself any story…I just thought he didn’t call because he isn’t interested. End of story….haha



  433.  #433Millie on August 29, 2013 at 2:27 pm

    I feel like I’m in a place right now where I don’t really want to “cut a guy some slack.” I know this man is really a nice guy and yes he probably is just insecure. But I feel like I’ve given men the benefit of the doubt too many times, I’ve bended and said “its ok..” and catered to their lack of action and “weaknesses” too many times and I have suffered the consequences. My needs become not a priority and they end up seeing you as a friend vs. more and kicking your feelings to the curb. That’s my experience right now…..so yes, I’m being a bit harsh on this new guy, but I just want one level bar of standards that applies to every man who asks me out, and I’m not bending because they feel insecure. I’ve been the doormat and I won’t allow anyone to treat me that way again.



  434.  #434Hana on August 29, 2013 at 2:48 pm

    Cris! Besos!!!



  435.  #435Zia on August 29, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    Yesterday I went for lunch with the man I met at the football on Sat night (we have a mutual friend), and he invited me to a gala black tie event next Friday. I’m looking forward to it! He’s a nice guy and I’d like to get to know him better (as a friend for now).



  436.  #436Mercedes on August 29, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    One last quick check in before my vacation in California (sooooo looking forward to that!!!!)!!!!!!

    Lisa: I completely understand. That’s why I was asking you (when I first posted about this) if you had other types of men you could surround yourself with. I just hate to think of you having to spend time with lots of men like this…when I know for sure there are many, many out there who would treat you with nothing less than loving respect.

    I completely get that these are your experiences and I don’t want to discount that at all. What I would like to see is those experiences change to something much more positive for the future so that the weight of the men you do know doesn’t create a sense of culture for you where might not really exist (or where one doesn’t have to exist in your world of experiences).

    In any case, I hope you have peace with this and I hope you are surrounded always by loving, respectful men.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  437.  #437Lenni on August 29, 2013 at 3:26 pm

    At first I didn’t understand circular dating. I mean, why would someone go out and date other people when they want the one guy they want to get serious with? But then I watched the love scripts and it helped explain it better… it’s not about going out and building more relationships, it’s about getting uplifted and seeing what kind of treatment you want. It’s not about getting stuck in a fantasy but allowing other men to show you what you are missing out on so you can either decide if you want to work on getting that from your man or if you want to actually date other people.
    Another thing I wonder though is what if that man does show good qualities and you know why you love him… but he doesn’t stay consistent. Does this mean we shouldn’t even bother trying to create a future with him or find ways to help him see consistency?
    Thank you for the post.



  438.  #438Emerson on August 29, 2013 at 4:27 pm

    Things seem to be falling into place for me…not necessarily in my love life … Yet…but it will.

    CutecityCD expressed to me that he misses me and wants to see me… I know he works alot and is busy but he’s goin to have to make time for me if he wants me…



  439.  #439Emerson on August 29, 2013 at 4:40 pm

    Indigo thanks for your comments…
    I feel the same way now and it’s just part of the journey…
    I also used to feel very hurt and upset when friendships would “fade” and i would hold on soo tightly and almost force it, but I don’t anymore. I just let it go.
    On another note…
    I feel so relieved, I expressed how I felt with cutecityCD and how I was frustrated and he reacted positively and very kind… I credit it to me being authentic and also that I used feeling messages and “i dont want” to express myself. It really does make a difference.
    I’m impressed how me “handles” me because sometimes I can be quite emotional but he seems unphased and remains kind and reassuring. Which in turn makes my intensity and anxiety poof I to the clouds… Such a relief…
    I don’t know but maybe he’s just the formula I need right now. I find myself fantasizing about him alot! Heehee



  440.  #440Femininewoman on August 29, 2013 at 5:16 pm

    No Millie you don’t have to allow anything. You are the chooser here and it is the reason why cdating is so important. You get to date many men so that if one disappears it doesn’t even show up on your radar as a blip much less for you to be angry. What is there to be angry about? With several men in your rotation you won’t have time to miss him. However, anger will show up in your vibe and your words everywhere you go because you will be carrying it with you.



  441.  #441Sophie on August 29, 2013 at 5:17 pm

    ((((Lisa))) I didn’t want in anyway to invalidate your feelings

    And I do see with my own eyes some of what you have experienced or do experience

    xx



  442.  #442Femininewoman on August 29, 2013 at 5:25 pm

    A full day Millie? Men need to value your time. That could have unconsciously felt like gorging on something good. It could have unconsciously communicated that you don’t have a life. It could have communicated that he is very important to you. So many subliminal/unconscious messages that you might not have meant.

    They need to be left wanting more. Longing and pining for more. If you give him so much it will kill the mystery, the intrigue so boredom set in quickly. I would definitely encourage you to do something different and that is to reduce the time of first dates. He is a stranger don’t send the message that you are willing to put your life on hold to spend so much time with one. Let him work to earn so much time and attention from you. Those are precious gifts that you bring to any man.



  443.  #443Emerson on August 29, 2013 at 5:32 pm

    I like what rori says about changing our clothes and choosing soft colors and soft materials…I’ve been doing that lately and found a darling date dress… It’s soft and flowy…so far men have loved it and compliment me…
    It reminds me to stay in girl mode and feel flowy and soft…



  444.  #444Syreena on August 29, 2013 at 5:53 pm

    Thank you Millie.

    This is the sort of thing that makes me feel sad about society and culture. And make me want to sit up and take notice. So I hear where you are coming from Lisa. I also hear from the same mouths of men and women who are horrified by rape. Quotes like. ” well if women dress like tarts they are asking for it” “Or if women get drunk what do they expect?” etc etc, It is those quotes and mind set that are the problem and that create the ‘rape culture mentality’ that I want to be part of creating a change in.

    http://www.policymic.com/articles/22035/steubenville-rape-case-does-america-have-an-unadmitted-rape-culture-problem.



  445.  #445Lisa on August 29, 2013 at 6:16 pm

    @Sophie that is so sweet of you! you didn’t invalidate my feelings oh my goodness…. no…no…..

    if it came out that way it wasn’t my intent or thought… gosh it gets so difficult to communicate via posting sometimes… sorry!

    {{{hugs }}} right back! <3



  446.  #446Millie on August 29, 2013 at 6:28 pm

    @FeminineWoman–

    I’m really not that mad…I only wanted to share because the reason was so surprising to me.

    Yeah, a full day. I kind of rolled with it, but I told him I had evening plans, so there was an end point. Yeah i suppose i was indulging–I was having fun, I wanted to say yes. Rarely does a date feel that good and easy, so I let it last longer than usual- that WAS something different. I never go on long dates. I don’t regret it at all.



  447.  #447Millie on August 29, 2013 at 6:34 pm

    I’m feeling a bit criticized and feel myself getting defensive.

    I didn’t put “my life on hold” it was just a relaxing, chill Saturday and we went hiking which was planned and then had lunch and a drink.
    Maybe it did sent subliminal messages and I feel frustrated at this. For once–I WASNT overthinking, I was just being in the moment and going with how I felt and I feel that my choices are being perceived as wrong here.



  448.  #448Lynne on August 29, 2013 at 6:46 pm

    I believe that you need to really think about what made you get back with him. If you really love him then have a heart to heart talk and find out what his problems are. If this doesn’t work then go find another man that will love and appreciate you as you!



  449.  #449ArabianLove on August 29, 2013 at 6:48 pm

    Hi Hana 🙂

    Everything is great 🙂 ! Still nothing from him but I have been really busy with no down time to think. I feel like I will give myself a week to live through what’s happening although I agree with Sophie about how I am assuming the worst. ( technically I will give him a week to contact then I’ll get to dating other people I guess.

    By the way, @ 426, you are not crazy. You just know that there is something missing a spark. I have th