Here’s a great guest post by the great Kat Knecht – she was one of my favorite Relationship Expert Interviews…and I loved the theme of this:

Much has been written and many conclusions reached on how money and power are connected and the impact that has on the choices we make in the romantic realm.

The place that seems to be the most interesting to me today though is the place where most of us learned consciously or unconsciously a ton on how money and power work. The experiences we had in our childhood in this area, more than any other is emblazoned on our brains.

To say the messages I received about money and power in my childhood were mixed would be putting it mildly. A little sampling from the money and power file from Kat’s childhood goes a little like this.

My clearest memory of this last drama was of my mother taking me by the shoulders one day, looking me directly in the eye and telling me with a greater intensity then I ever remember before or after. She asked me to promise her that I ” would never depend on a man for money”. Promise!

I did promise but I also decided in that moment that my mother was wrong about love, money and power. Well I was about 7 at the time so I doubt my thinking was that sophisticated. It was however something along those lines. I had a knowing that I was all GIRL a romantic soul to boot. I knew even then that I wanted to have a wonderful career AND to have a good marriage with all the trimmings.

When I pull the lens back a bit I also can see that for me what I witnessed in both my parents families of origin and my own family was that the women had a great deal of power. I was confused though about how they used it, the mixed messages they sent and exactly how the men in these families fit in.

It is no mystery to me then that I went into adulthood with mixed messages and proceeded to get even more confused by my own dramas in the area of money and power. It took me years and much unnecessary suffering to realize I was simply acting out old patterns I had learned from my parents and others and brought them into my marriage. Patterns that were not wise or healthy and would certainly not contribute to being wealthy!

What I discovered and the good news for you is that when we become aware of an unconscious pattern being played out we can change it! The fear and limited thinking built into these patterns can be replaced with a new pattern of our own creation. Here is how you can make this shift for yourself. Take some time to identify your own childhood influences.

Look to your grandparent and parents. Look at your parent’s marriage, the influences from movies and books. What were your messages from those people you admired or those you feared?

Look for the patterns. Then begin to identify how those patterns have played out in your life. What were the messages you received from these various sources about how money and power were used in romantic relationships? When you have this information you will be able break the patterns that leave you confused and powerless. Little by little you will be able to begin new patterns that will help you create healthy patterns for yourself and bring those into your own romantic relationships.

*****

Kat Knecht is a love, dating and relationship coach. Along with her husband Curtis she is the co-founder of The Relationship Coaching Connection, which delivers positive and productive private and group coaching programs, workshops and retreats to benefit all kinds of relationships. Her program The Art and Science of Romance has helped hundreds of women find the romantic life they desire. The Relationship Alchemy Coaching Circles that Kat facilitates weekly help women to not only find the love of their lives, or improve the relationship they already have, but to learn how to practice self- love and use their own personal power in a positive way. With this they can create a fulfilling life and confidently navigate the territory of romance for the rest of their lives.

Find out more on Kat’s web site www.relationshipcoaching.com where you can sign up for a free consultation.

Love, Rori

668 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on August 25, 2011 at 7:15 am

    This is a new name



  2.  #2Femininewoman on August 25, 2011 at 7:39 am

    I heard money is never enough and that it does not grow on trees. However, it seemed the females were the ones with the power connected to money. They were give full latitude to spend on what was needed except when it came to big purchases, then the men would want a say. Though at the end of the day it was the womens decisions that prevailed because the families always needed things like a roof over their heads.



  3.  #3Femininewoman on August 25, 2011 at 8:14 am

    http://evolutionezine.com/5-things-you-probably-don%e2%80%99t-know-about-yourself-by-linda-paull/

    2. Your Body Can Think For Itself
    As you already know, your body experiences reality via the five physical senses with our brain (objective mind) acting as the control room for this. No surprises here, then. But wait! there’s more. We also have what is known as a subjective mind, which has absolute control over all of your internal functions. In fact, it knows exactly at what rate our heartbeat needs to be, when we need to sweat, sneeze and take part in all sorts of other nasty unpleasantries in order to maintain optimal health. It encompasses your whole body, and when not opposed in any way, (i.e. negative thoughts and beliefs about your body infiltrating your system), it regulates your whole body in complete harmony before you have even had time to think about it.

    You have all experienced physical sensations such as sweaty palms, nervous twitches or tightness in the stomach when you were nervous about, say, going on a date or going for a job interview. Those were all physical changes that came in response to your emotions and triggered an appropriate physical reaction via your sub-conscious.

    It’s really important to understand this as this also explains things like why a tumor starts to grow rapidly if the patient is always preoccupied with worry and fear about it.

    So it’s not really the apple a day which keeps the doctor away. It’s more likely to be a good session of deep meditation that explains his or her absence.

    3. Your Five-Year-Old Self Controls Most of Your Thought Processes

    When we started out life as a kid, it was kind of like driving a car on a windy road. When life threw us challenges that our child-brain wasn’t able to understand or deal with (by challenges, I mean things that simply felt bad), we had no other option but to try to avoid them. Sounds logical, doesn’t it, I mean what else is a 5-year old supposed to do?

    But while we were avoiding these potholes, we inadvertently created neural pathways in our brains which provided the blueprint for how we were going to deal with the same problem in the future. But we have since grown up and now we process things via our logical thought process, right?

    Wrong!

    What we have collected over the years is a veritable treasure trove of judgements, opinions, avoidance strategies, and just plain unproductive thoughts and beliefs stored deep down in there which are no longer serving you. And just like the driver who likes to drive on autopilot, taking the path of least resistance, we keep finding ourselves continuing down the same well-worn pathways in our minds, which means we keep on running into the same problems and situations in our lives.

    Have you ever thought about why you avoid doing things that you really want to do. Maybe you think that you won’t be good at them and this will attract criticism from others (wouldn’t have anything to do with the time your art teacher at school criticised you because your drawing wasn’t good enough, would it?). I could give you a whole bunch of examples here but I’m sure you get the picture.



  4.  #4Femininewoman on August 25, 2011 at 8:20 am

    “Next post will be “The Emotional Orgasm: How To Do it By Yourself or With Others” – showing you how to break through the embarrassment of being vulnerable by learning to cry by yourself – and feeling comfortable, relieved, stronger, and even more YOURSELF when you do…

    Let me know how your tears affect your man…”

    Love,
    Rori

    written by Rori Raye • Permalink • Leave a Comment »

    Sunday, 29 June 2008 @ 3:24am

    Rori I would love to finally see this article on “Emotional Orgasm”



  5.  #5Plum on August 25, 2011 at 8:35 am

    403: Jade
    From https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/do-we-need-to-save-marriage/comment-page-10/#comment-144752

    ***I felt that because I didn’t follow Rori’s tools and rules, I wasn’t worthy of attention ***
    That’s not a feeling. That’s an assumption, an attempt to give a sense to things in such a way you don’t have to look inside yourself. I think it is a victim point of view. Not doing you any good.

    *** I didn’t really feel that you gals cared. ***
    Would you be kind enough to define the “You” in your accusation/assumption and give the exact names involved in the “you”?
    I take it you are accusing Englishwoman of not caring since you are addressing her and using the word “you”, but I see there is an “S” at the end of the word “gals” which implies you are also addressing women in general. In short, I don’t know whom you are speaking to, in this post.

    Anyway, you are not expressing a feeling. You are assuming women (which ones?) don’t care. You are assuming you can read into their mind and heart and you know what is in there.
    May be you meant to write “I did not feel I am worthy of care and attention”.

    ***I really resent your attitude (all of you) ***
    ***you gals totally ignored me ***

    Attacking the whole world will not make your life easier, it might turn the whole world against you.
    On the other hand, this blog is meant for people to say exactly where they are at, if they want to and the way they want to or the way they know how to for the moment.
    So, bravo for expressing your resentment at random. 🙂 This is not sarcasm ( I am weary of interpretation of written words) I sincerely say Bravo. It might be the first step to your journey towards awareness.

    You wrote “All of you”.
    Now I am wondering if you are addressing me as well. I post here once in a while, am I part of this generalistic “All of you”?
    I feel confused to be accused of ignoring you and my feelings assumed when you have not addressed me, not once. You have not answered my personal doubts or asked me anything. I don’t even know if you ever read any of my own posts. I have not seen you acknowledging most of the posters either, so I also feel confused to read they owe you to acknowledge you.

    My confusion comes from the expression “you all”. It sounds like all the posters are included, even the very many you never acknowledged.
    I would appreciate to read the exact names of the posters you include in the word “you”. Who are the women who owe you to clap their hands for you and deceived you with their silence?

    Thank “you”. ( “you” meaning specifically Jade)

    🙂

    xxx



  6.  #6Femininewoman on August 25, 2011 at 8:42 am

    Oh, by the way, the “dance position” is position one: square your shoulders, put one foot behind the other, and gently, slowly, lean back. SMILE. Take a deep breath, and again, keep SMILING. Relax your arms at your sides… and slowly turn your palms facing outward. And… SMILE. Breathe!

    (totally works to make me feel instantly BETTER!)
    http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/women-who-love-too-much/discussions/messages/8560172



  7.  #7Plum on August 25, 2011 at 8:45 am

    451: Jade 
    From https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/do-we-need-to-save-marriage/comment-page-10/#comment-144752

    ***Gals, thank you for replying. I really appreciate it and I think you are great, even though (I will be honest, here) I sometimes think that some of you are complicating things, e.g., should you or should you not initiate contact with a guy who’s been “ignoring” you for days. There could be a myriad of reasons why someone doesn’t text or call you but it’s also nice to give someone the benefit of the doubt. We’re only humans, after all. We’re supposed to make mistakes, that’s how we grow.***

    Again, only God knows whom you are addressing, so I might be minding what is not my business, in case you are not addressing me. But I happen to be a “gal” among the “gals” who post here and you have moaned that “gals” ignore you.

    I find it lovely that you answer yourself to your own question.
    You asked why your post was not acknowledged and you accused “gals” to ignore you and on a previous thread, to feel jealous of you. In short you gave a personal interpretation of the “no feed back” to your post. You interpreted it as an active ignorance on behalf of “us all” (whomever “us” include)

    I recommend you to re-read this part of your own post 451 :
    “”””There could be a myriad of reasons why someone doesn’t text or call you but it’s also nice to give someone the benefit of the doubt. We’re only humans, after all. We’re supposed to make mistakes, that’s how we grow.***

    and apply it to your own question.
    There is a myriad of reasons why a post is not answered to, the same reasons you do not answer my posts and many posters’ posts.

    🙂

    xxx



  8.  #8DE on August 25, 2011 at 9:03 am

    Well, hello World (thank u SLV for inspiring me ..)…Feeling Good thus far 🙂

    Subscribing …



  9.  #9DE on August 25, 2011 at 9:38 am

    Hmm…Kat’s post reminds me of Mar*garet Ly*nch recent online program…7 Levels of W*ealth Manife*station (based on Rhy*s methods)…specifically, the exercise around 1st Chakra.

    1st Chakra has a lot to do with your tribe or family of origin…specifically, beliefs engrained in us at our early age surrounding money, wealth;…

    to create safety for ourselves, we made vows …either to embrace our family beliefs (“people like us don’t do this, or that…” or go against it “i will never be like them…”)…

    These vows play in our subconscious for a very long time…that is why it’s important to discover them, bring them out to surface…and heal the emotions behind them…and tapping is one way…

    I love the program 🙂 Very intense with lots of information.



  10.  #10Daria on August 25, 2011 at 9:43 am

    thank you Daria for taking the trip to the beach

    thank you for slathering me with mud!
    thankyou for putting oil on me

    thank you for washing my feet

    thank you for moving meeting date with friend back half an hour

    thank you for warming up water for me to wash



  11.  #11Ella on August 25, 2011 at 9:58 am

    Sirens,

    Opinions pl.

    Is this ok?

    Via Facebook messages.

    Me: Hi NewCD, I have your shorts x (which he lent to his friend who I was kinda CD-ing after hot tub the other day, and this his friend left with me to give back to him)

    NewCD: Hi Ella, are they the ones I lent …? x

    Me: Yes they are 🙂

    NewCD: Ah ok, just hold onto them and I will pick them up sometime.

    Me: Ok cool. It would feel good to see you soon. x

    NewCD: Ah you are so cute, well you can whenever you want, I only live around the corner.

    Me: Yay, that is true – neighbours. It would feel good to see you really soon. x

    NewCD – no reply as yet.

    Sirens feeling a lil vulnerable and triggered. Was it leaning forward? To me I was expressing.

    Feeling vulnerable I think mainly cus of the NVs attacking about ‘what will he think – you are a bad girl and a sl8t cus you are CD-ing his friend….

    Thoughts?

    Btw I had already resolved his friend was just practice as he has said he doesn’t want relationship and I don’t feel like he and I will ever have anything… but new CD obviously doesn’t know this.

    Was thinking of dropping his friend out of rotation anyway…

    Whereas new CD seems like a nice guy.

    He has given me some hints that he likes me and someone else told me he does. And the other night he said I was playing games and I got sulky and forgot my FMs but he wouldn’t elaborate.

    Advice please?



  12.  #12Femininewoman on August 25, 2011 at 10:03 am

    RE 11 Ella it struck me as strategy.



  13.  #13Ella on August 25, 2011 at 10:07 am

    FW… yeah probably!

    Lol. Well partly.

    And I did also feel obliged to get the shorts back to him…

    Ow I am so rubbish at letting go.

    I always feel this guilt like I did not let a guy know that I like him when he shoots arrows at me…

    and then feel I need to do something

    🙁



  14.  #14Ladybug on August 25, 2011 at 10:08 am

    Hmmm…….It seems no one responds to my posts, it never occurred to me to feel NVs for being ignored.

    I’ve fallen hard for my adorable Hayseed as our emotional intimacy has grown. It was hard for ME to open up to him and be vulnerable so he could be open to me. He has me addle-brained, I want nothing more than to have his arms around me with him loving all over me as he does every time I see him.

    I do get insecure because he is quite wealthy, over 2 million of his own money, although no one would never suspect this by just seeing him on the street. My #2 CD is the same way. They own and manage their families’ lands and wealth and they are not flashy. They drive old pick ups, wear boots and love nothing better than to set and gaze at the wildlife when they’re not busting their butts doing what they love.

    “It’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as it is with a poor man.”

    The millionaires I dated when I was young were all city, this middle-class mountain girl couldn’t get into them. Drugs took a lot of them down anyway. When I was young, the sons of the wealthy farms and ranches were only allowed to marry money, land or political power.

    I love being 53 and free. I love being healthy and wearing a smile, I love being wise and I love these men being attracted to me and wanting to be with me. I love these men for being older and wiser now, for being in charge of their own lives, for shoving off the burden of family rules that caused them to be unhappy for too long.



  15.  #15Ella on August 25, 2011 at 10:14 am

    Ladybug

    Hello.

    I’ve been so caught up in my own stuff recently!

    I’m going to have a little read of your posts now.

    xoxox



  16.  #16Ella on August 25, 2011 at 10:50 am

    Ladybug,

    I could only find the one post on this thread.

    And it sounds like you are doing amazing!

    🙂

    xxx



  17.  #17Ella on August 25, 2011 at 10:56 am

    Owww, feeling tense in tummy!

    Lil tight knot.

    I love my little tight knot.

    NewCD said ‘So just text me when you want to go for that drink… ‘

    After some messages back and forward and I immediately felt tight in tummy.

    Couldn’t work out what I wanted to say.

    So stopped and had dinner.

    Noticing tightness has moved to my back and shoulders now… feeling VERY tight. Like a retracting spring.

    And brain feels racy.

    Going to just breath and slow down breathing.

    Thank you for my work… and my Sky TV 🙂

    In the end I have replied ‘blah blah about his holiday… Regarding meeting up. Whenever you think. It will feel better for me if you suggest a day etc. x’

    I love me! xoxox



  18.  #18Plum on August 25, 2011 at 10:58 am

    456: Jade 
    ***I think I’m looking for the same thing everybody else is: confirmation that we exist.***

    I can’t speak for others, so I will speak for myself.
    Am I included in the word “everybody”?
    Have you acknowledged any of my posts, have you ever spoken with me, have you asked me what I am looking for, for you to include “me” in the assumption “everybody” is looking ON THIS BLOG for the confirmation they exist?
    😉

    It is OK to have a need and to own it. You don’t have to pretend it is everybody else’s need in order to make the need legitimate. A need is personal and your own business. You don’t have to justify it. Own it and see where it takes you.
    Good luck 🙂

    xxx



  19.  #19Plum on August 25, 2011 at 10:59 am

    403 Jade

    *** I felt that as soon as I showed some happiness, you gals totally ignored me.
    Do we have to come here with a heartbreak to get some support? Not when we’re happy? Makes no sense to me…***

    I recall you came here to ask for help; it was not to show your happiness. You had broken with your boy friend and were feeling desperate. Yet you complained exactly about the same thing; You said that the attention you feel entitled to was not given to you. You accused “us” (whomever is included into “us” ) to be a clique and to ignore your post. You denied our individualities and freedom to chose our interactions and feelings. You projected on “us” a kind of colorless uniform sheep group.
    You did not inquire any siren’s health or emotional state, you did not feel appreciative of the informative answer you received, no, you plain jumped on all of us as a shapeless, colorless group, complaining that we were not helping you.

    I bet it has happened to you in other forums.

    As a matter of fact this last thought of mine made me want to read your first complain and here I found it:
    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/love-advice-boundaries-and-walls-with-men/#comments
    *****670: Jade says:

    Thank you very much for the feedback although I thought more people would have taken advantage of her offer. Oh well, it’s free so I’ll take it.
    As usual, having a hard time “fitting” here, just like on any other internet board. The “clicks” are already formed and I feel like I don’t belong…don’t really feel like sharing my experience if no one listens.
    Monday, 1 August 2011 5:02am *****

    Did you listen to me? Or to anybody else’s pain? Let alone the pain, did you acknowledge the feed back I and others gave you?

    xxx



  20.  #20Plum on August 25, 2011 at 11:00 am

    458: Jade says:
    *****#454 – Daria:
    What makes you angry, this time, Daria? Don’t take this the wrong way, but it seems to happen a lot. Just express it!****

    Yes, it happens to us a lot to feel the same feeling over an over.
    It takes time to learn to own our feelings. When we own our feelings, we can’t feel angry, for example, it is impossible. And we can’t feel resentment either.
    The time needed to transform depends of the person, where she is at and the circumstances, etc… In any case it is her privilege to take as long as she wants.

    You express resentment for not receiving the attention you think you are entitled to, yet you express the surprise that Daria keeps feeling angry. Who is to say one is better than the other? It is the same thing painted with a different color.

    This is not my blog but I feel certain you are welcome to come write over and over you feel resentment, until you realize it is about you and we have nothing to do with your bad feelings.

    xxx



  21.  #21DE on August 25, 2011 at 11:04 am

    Okay, the last couple of days…i felt quite a few fears about getting closer to T…

    He hasn’t txt during the day the last couple of days…only called at nite once…and last nite…he initiated txting…no calling…i recall feeling a bit afraid of whether he will follow up on taking me out today for my bday…

    Prior to him texting, I worked a bit on my fears…released my expectations…made my plan of feeling good today no matter what…and i would not hold grudges…even though i might feel a bit disappointed…sad…

    Soon after, here is our conversation…WARNING..there is explicit content…:)
    T: “How are u?”
    Me: “Feeling good…relaxed…:) and u?”
    T: “Tired but ok”
    Me: “aww…u sound tired…big warm loving and tight hugs…:)”
    T: “Thank u..”
    Me: “:)”
    T again : “Tomorrow i wanna taste u again and again and again…”
    Me: “Oh my gosh babe..i feel all blushy…my heart feels racing with excitement…my p*ussy is already juicy…wow…i feel scared…of u power over me…:( ”
    T : “lol . that makes me smile and blush”
    Me: “well i feel inspired by u passionate amazing touch 🙂 ”
    T: “I love ur touch, smile, eyes, and the way ur skin feels next to mine”
    Me: “aww…i feel soo touched 🙂 thank u …i miss u 🙂
    T: ” I miss u sexy”
    Me: “muah :)”
    T:”what time i should be at your house tomorrow?”
    Me; “would 8 work? oh…are we still going out?”
    T: “Sure that’s fine”
    Me: “wow…i feel excited”
    T: “Great”

    I feel very good about working on my vibe and showing myself that I can manifest happy endings…baby steps…and one day at the time 🙂



  22.  #22Ella on August 25, 2011 at 11:09 am

    I want confirmation that I exist!

    🙂



  23.  #23Ella on August 25, 2011 at 11:11 am

    Plum, sometimes your posts feel a little defensive and brittle to me too read.

    Or kinda harsh to who they are directed at.

    Feels to me a bit like ‘ouch’ sometimes. And when I read them to me I almost want to shut my eyes like I do when watching a scary horror film…

    And yet they are still really insightful and I still like reading them.

    Also feel that way with FW and I sometimes feel defensive before I even beginb reading but interestingly FWs posts are the ones which often lead to the most learning for me as I get triggered.

    xoxox



  24.  #24Femininewoman on August 25, 2011 at 11:25 am

    Ella you exist, you exist. I love reading your posts.

    aaaww Ladybug I love you, I love your stories and I love your name.

    We all need to feel significant.



  25.  #25Femininewoman on August 25, 2011 at 11:26 am

    Ella I am learning. Thanks for giving me the feedback.



  26.  #26Ella on August 25, 2011 at 11:26 am

    Ow … Something exciting just occured to me.

    If we can talk about relationships with men anyway… and what feels good and what doesn’t, what we do want and what we don’t, even sex…

    Imagine how good that is going to feel and how open the communication will be when we are in ‘the’ relationship.

    Cool… me likey!



  27.  #27Ella on August 25, 2011 at 11:32 am

    FW Aww, I feel all soft and connected now.

    Love ya.

    🙂 xoxox



  28.  #28Wildflower on August 25, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    Uuuuugh I feel so irritated, angry, resentful, sad and forgotten right now. HM hasn’t called me in five days. We went out on Saturday and he usually has called me by now to set up another date and he hasn’t. I want more communication but we’ve only been dating for about a month. I’m toying with saying, “It feels so nice to hear your voice. We haven’t spoken in a while and I’m feeling disconnected and unimportant. I don’t want to feel that way. What do you think?”

    I don’t want to lean forward and tell him what to do and yes I”m CDing other guys to see if there is one who naturally communicates more. But in the meantime I don’t want to stuff my feelings down.

    Any advice?



  29.  #29alias girl on August 25, 2011 at 12:27 pm

    i wrote to a new cd that ‘i felt open to meeting’

    and he wrote:
    ‘I’m all the way here in _________________ Where can we meet or the most convinient place for us to meet?’

    and i wrote back:
    ‘oh, maybe realistically it is too far. i don’t want long distance relationships.’



  30.  #30Daria on August 25, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    i actually really liked being pregnant

    i want to be pregnant again and have lots of babies in amazing healing and magical and supported awesome births



  31.  #31Daria on August 25, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    Wildflower – don’t do it! it’s leaning forward, and it won’t create a connection or space for him to come to you

    just keep on loving yourself through the feelings of longing for him (i know how awful it feels sometimes)

    and remember you are on your bridge to happy relationship!

    don’t jump off in the pits for this man

    he will come to you and then you can tell him how good it feels to hear from him then, and you can even say this space in between communications doesn’t work for you if you want

    love to you!

    ps – if you experiment and do lean forward, (i wouldn’t if possible) then pay close attention to how you feel before during and after



  32.  #32Senior Lady Vibe on August 25, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    Hello, world. I’m thankful for sidewalk jewelry stands and the inexpensive felicities they offer.

    😀

    xoxo



  33.  #33Wildflower on August 25, 2011 at 1:04 pm

    Thank you Daria! I sooo appreciate your advice.

    Sometimes I admit feel so confused as to when expressing our feelings is leaning forward and when it is leaning back.



  34.  #34Senior Lady Vibe on August 25, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    @15: Ella says:
    “…Hello.
    I’ve been so caught up in my own stuff recently!…”

    I realize this is not a hello to me but your phrase caught my eye as I’m now traveling bottom to top on this new post.

    I’ve been caught up in my own stuff too…

    Hiya.

    😀

    xoxo



  35.  #35Daria on August 25, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    Go Ladybug! I LOVE READING ABOUT YOU LOVING YOUR LIFE AND YOUR MEN!



  36.  #36Daria on August 25, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    Wildflower – it’s alwasy leaning back to express our feelings WHEN THE MAN APPROACHES US

    contacting him is NOT leaning back (even if we try to feeling message it then )

    but you can experiment with it, to get the feel of it (i feel kinda nauseaous remembering my own experimenting)



  37.  #37Daria on August 25, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    Ella – you can also say…

    well this feels awkward… im feeling kind of attracted to you but am feeling really weird ! i don’t feel good to contact a man … it would feel awesome to hear from you though



  38.  #38Daria on August 25, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    I think you did well to say that last feel message anyway! great job!



  39.  #39Wildflower on August 25, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    Thank you Daria! 🙂



  40.  #40Daria on August 25, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    STEALING:

    i feel scared… of your power over me! haha

    stealing and tweaking pussy feels juicy

    and heart feels racy

    me like! THANK? YOU FOR SHARING!!



  41.  #41Daria on August 25, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    “How to break through her defenses‏

    Today’s topic gets me a little worked up.

    I’m just you giving fair warning, because nothing
    gets my goat more than than questions like these:

    “How do you deal with the ‘B*tch Shield’
    on women who are approximately HB8-10?”

    “I really want to know how to easily
    break through women’s defense shields”

    Sheesh, where does this stuff come from?

    You’d think that women were some kind of invading
    army, instead of the other half of the human
    species (and the more pleasurable half in my
    opinion).

    But, I’ll hear this kind of crap from guys as the
    lame excuse as to why they didn’t open a
    conversation, or get a number, or even worse not
    even try to start a conversation.

    It’s a way guys put the blame outside of
    themselves for their lack of success.

    What’s bad about that is, it creates a ‘victim’
    mentality where it’s always someone else’s fault.

    Unfortunately, guys just taking the first steps
    to learn how to meet women, hear this junk from
    friends or read it online.

    So I’m gonna put this idea to rest now and
    forever…

    There is NO SUCH THING as a b*tch shield!

    Listen, I could go on and on about how it screws
    you up to even THINK that women have shields or
    defenses, but the short form is this, if you
    think bad things are going to happen to you…
    they will!

    If you want to know why this is true, I can
    recommend a lot of books for you on the topic,
    but this is a newsletter about meeting women.

    Instead, let’s have a look at how thinking women
    WANT to talk to you will result in a much better
    success rate. After all, this is something you
    can do now.

    Like I mentioned last time, when my instructors
    get asked about ‘shields’ and ‘defenses’ during
    workshop, a big smile comes across their face as
    they reply that they NEVER get those responses.

    Let me repeat that, they NEVER get those kind of
    responses.

    And let’s be clear about something, I’m not
    talking about a hot woman TESTING a guy, they do
    get that. And I get that.

    In fact we WANT that, since it means she’s
    ATTRACTED, and all we have to do is pass her
    tests and it’s on!

    Now it’s also true that some guys MISTAKE these
    tests as a woman throwing up a ‘shield’ or being
    a ‘b*tch’, but for 95% of the women it’s simply
    an ATTRACTION TEST. Which is a GOOD THING!

    As for the other 5%, they could be having a bad
    day, just got out of a bad relationship, or maybe
    they just aren’t into guys. So what. It doesn’t
    mean ANYTHING about you.

    In fact, they just did you a FAVOR and saved you
    wasting a lot of time on a woman that’s not
    interested in meeting a guy right now.

    But I’m getting ahead of myself here, let me get
    back to how my instructors always get positive
    reactions from women, and from the groups they
    approach.

    How do they do it? Simple!

    They always assume that women
    WANT to talk to them

    Now someone skeptical might say “but that can’t
    always be true.” And yes, it isn’t always true.
    In fact, it may never be true, but ask yourself
    this… which is more difficult

    – Talking to someone you believe wants to talk
    to you

    or

    – Talking to someone you think is going to be
    rude to you and tell you to go away

    Take a minute and imagine you are going to walk
    up and talk to a woman. Make it something
    simple, maybe just ask her for directions.

    Now, picture that she’s got a personality more
    horrible than the Wicked Witch of the West from
    Wizard of Oz.

    Next, imagine she’s a warm and friendly person
    like Dorothy from Kansas, with a cute little dog
    like Toto (same movie).

    Go ahead, stop reading for a second and do this.

    Now, be honest, how do you FEEL about approaching
    the woman in each scenario? Which one were you
    more motivated to ask for directions?

    This is a KEY POINT, because not only does it
    change your expectations of success, but also
    women can SENSE the vibe you give off BEFORE you
    even open your mouth.

    (I show how you telegraph this with your body
    language in my Art of Attraction workshop. I
    also show you how to change this so you
    communicate a powerful first impression instead.)

    So when I or one of the PickUp 101 instructors
    tells you that we never get ‘shields’ or
    ‘defenses’ it comes from starting with a belief
    that anyone we talk to will enjoy meeting us and
    wants to meet us.

    Listen, you either go through life thinking good
    things are going to happen or bad things will
    happen. It’s a simple choice with far reaching
    consequences.

    For many of our clients, this simple realization
    makes an instant difference in their success
    opening conversations with women.

    Here’s what one of them had to say:

    “During about three hours at two different
    clubs, I approached and opened some twenty or
    more sets or groups of women. And this from a
    guy who stopped going to bars years ago because
    he was afraid to approach anyone!”

    Gene C. – Telecom Consultant, Oakland CA

    In fact, I’ve created more than one ‘Approach
    Monster’ in my workshops, and I’m damn proud of
    it.

    An Approach Monster is what I call a guy who goes
    from being unable to approach a woman, to a guy
    who can’t stand still if there’s a woman in the
    room he hasn’t talked to yet.

    And I’ll tell you something else, women thank me
    for teaching guys how to do this. No kidding.

    I love my job!

    Now go meet some women.

    Your Friend,
    Lance Mason”



  42.  #42Daria on August 25, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    i feel upset thinking that i don’t own my feelings because i feel anger

    i feel better to think i do own my feelings and i own and love my anger

    sigh that feels smily

    feel fear

    it feels good to have someone defend me

    and yet the fear hmm

    je ne vais pas hide anything if i notice it yum

    are you expressing or impressing?

    i feel scared

    i remembered also my other option
    walk away

    yummy

    yoghurt feels cooling

    skin feels buttersoft



  43.  #43tinque on August 25, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    Daria – You were in my dreams the other morning.

    xxoo



  44.  #44alias girl on August 25, 2011 at 2:23 pm

    i feel empowered. i see innovative, cutting edge, do-it-different sirens on this blog.

    i feel clapping for all of us.

    i feel daring and brave and setting a new frontier.

    i feel very brave. i feel clapping for myself.

    i feel there is no turning back and i am So on my Happy Ever After Path.

    i am feeling very yae right now. and i feel encouraged with all i’ve gone through i could help others just by living my life.

    yae for alias girl. i love you.



  45.  #45AmazingMe on August 25, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    Wow ladies I need to get out more..grrr…I am angry…I love myself and my anger. This is ridiculous, It is all my fault if its toxic then stay away from it why the hell is this so damn hard for me. !~!!



  46.  #46Ella on August 25, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    Hmmm,

    I get so bloated, like a big baloon, and swollen, when I have my period 🙁

    As well as horrible period pains.

    NewCD invited me shopping on Sat 🙂

    And I am having a body image/ self confidence issue atm… I feel so FAT atm,

    Just icky about my body.

    Zumba classes are shut for August and I have not had time to exercise, just been working.

    And diet has been up and down.

    I just see so many perfect looking girls around me and I am not as slim as them.

    But you know what f8ck it!

    I love me anyway.



  47.  #47Jeannette on August 25, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    Well its been 2 mo.s since Steve passed and I am still missing him immensely. Maybe even more. Today I was at work and some woman said, “So, are you going to go on one of those dating sites?” I wanted to hit her I was so mad.



  48.  #48DE on August 25, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    Daria #40:

    aww…i feel touched…Daria to “steal” from me…

    I realized…my yoni and I are really connected; she also masters the use of FMs…a lot…;)

    warm hugs,



  49.  #49Daria on August 25, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    Ella – i would love to see you not compare yourself … or drop the idea that any body is more attractive

    this is actually for me… i am doing reallly well here but sometimes i do slip back in
    ******

    i was doing this myself in the club… and felt bad.. until i remembered to open my heart… and suddenly felt good about me and my body

    my body is – i was going to say average – and in a way it’s ‘medium’ – but i feel so much love and sexyness about me that men are super attracted to me and compliment me on my body like crazy!

    hmm

    even when im out with gf’s with amazing and interesting bodies, when im feeling vibealicious im still paid attention to super more

    its all in the vibe…

    i feel glad i at least don’t really feel self conscious about being slim

    i feel guilty cuz when girls complain about their weight i secretly feel glad that i don’t worry about that because i know men don’t go for slim women really

    hmmm

    not true! they Do go for slim women and non slim as long as the woman loves herself

    note to self

    i ahve felt very slf conscious in teh past of being too slim

    and am not too slim now

    wondering if i would feel bad to be slim again;.. and gt all triggered

    love me!

    i feel bloated a bit and did feel a touch self conscious

    and i love me anyway

    i am a beautiful goddess of love and sexuallity



  50.  #50Daria on August 25, 2011 at 3:46 pm

    tinque – yay dreamlife connection



  51.  #51Daria on August 25, 2011 at 3:52 pm

    i feel giddy and all ‘better than’ imagining other women thinking of me… ‘shes fat!’ look at her tummy

    meanwhile im like ladidah i am a goddess… my belly is the universe… my step blesses the earth

    and men are all like ‘wow i want her… she’s so natural and soft… there’s something about her’

    i feel guilty!

    i don’t want to feel better than

    cuz then i don’t feel safe

    i feel better to feel good to everyone

    and just feel love

    all goddesses, all love

    i was on a nude beach today and saw all shapes of goddesses

    especially full figured, wrinkly and fat

    and they were all attractive to me

    i would have had sex and wanted to please all of them

    well some were more attractive than others, probably due to their vibe

    it feels so good to not be all in my head juding them like before

    or worrying ‘ill look like that’

    i just know that i love me and will be loved

    what if i had one arm?

    probbly even then!

    sinky feeling

    i love my sinky feeling!

    i just feel blessed to love my body this way

    totally remember when i didn’t

    men say my body is perfect all the time

    and im like, yes they’re right it is perfect

    but then when its not

    theyre like its still perfect

    hmm

    convincing myself

    love me love me loving myself

    mmmm

    big breath



  52.  #52Daria on August 25, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    when i dance, everyone looks at me

    and when i move all fluid

    and leaned back

    and let the earth fill my pelvis

    as i walk

    mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

    and i AM beautiful

    like REALLY

    but you know, in a way, im beautiful because i KNOW im beautiful

    theres lots of imperfections in me that add to this glowy perfection

    mmm

    feels good

    not even imperfections
    uniquenesses



  53.  #53tinque on August 25, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    I so love connecting to people through dreams. It can feel more real and certainly more profound in some ways. It was a sensuous dream too.

    xxoo



  54.  #54Plum on August 25, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    23: Ella

    ***Plum, sometimes your posts feel a little defensive and brittle to me too read.
    Or kinda harsh to who they are directed at.
    Feels to me a bit like ‘ouch’ sometimes. And when I read them to me I almost want to shut my eyes like I do when watching a scary horror film…
    And yet they are still really insightful and I still like reading them.***

    I am not sure why you are telling me this.
    Are you trying to share that you are scared of your truth, you tend to play victim and to make somebody else responsible for your feelings, yet you are trying your best to force yourself to face your truth and you are beginning to even like meeting yourself?

    Bare with me, I am not sure what you are trying to tell me.

    xxx



  55.  #55Ella on August 25, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    Daria,

    Your posts feel lovely and yummy and soft tonight.

    Thank you.

    xoxox



  56.  #56Jeannette on August 25, 2011 at 4:17 pm

    Could someone comment on post # 47?



  57.  #57Ella on August 25, 2011 at 4:20 pm

    Plum re 54,

    No I am not trying to tell you that.

    I am just expressing what it feels like for me sometimes reading your posts.

    There is no reason other than sharing and expressing.

    “Are you trying to share that you are scared of your truth, you tend to play victim and to make somebody else responsible for your feelings, yet you are trying your best to force yourself to face your truth and you are beginning to even like meeting yourself?”

    I feel defensive and cross reading this.

    Mainly because it feels like an implication that I am unable to express myself properly with the the ‘trying’ and also the words about victim and making others responsible for my feelings.

    I don’t think I do that. I believe that I express how *I* feel.

    I feel angry and furious when I perceive that someone believes they know about me better than me and they are telling me how I am feeling.

    Having said this I am open to feedback and I like the insight I often get from your posts.

    “Bare with me, I am not sure what you are trying to tell me”

    This bit feels a little bit better.

    Basically what I am saying is that I am open to feedback and I like the way some of the women here can bring some great insights, and yet I feel annoyed, turned off and defensive when someone assumes without any doubt that they know my truth or how things are with me, and tell me so.



  58.  #58Ella on August 25, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    Jeanette,

    I doon’t know what to say except that mad is fine.

    And some people can be very insensitive.

    I once had an experience after my stepdad died where this woman I was working with op wouldn’t stop talking about it and asking questions.

    After I finished the shift I went away and cried and cried and cried.

    I felt so angry.

    I was a teenager and had no idea about standing up for myself or using FMs then.

    Now I would handle her with a ‘Ow actually it feels really bad to talk about it right now’

    I’m wondering if you could use these potentially triggering situations to practice your FMs?

    Also I am sorry for your loss and am sending you virtual hugs.

    xoxox



  59.  #59DE on August 25, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    Jeannette #56:

    Wow, i feel inspired noticing a strength in you…voicing/expressing your need 🙂 Do u know how many of us are afraid of asking for what we need?

    wow, wow…it is a quality that would has the power to help you /us in any relationship (men/women/children)…:)

    it also inspires some vulnerability…at least that how it translates to me your request 🙂 beautiful …

    About your earlier post, gosh, i would feel angry too if someone where to ask me that…:( I feel curious though, what did u respond?

    Wished i had more time tonite to follow through the posts…but i will be busy this evening…celebrating my bday 🙂

    But i will try if not a bit this evening, tomorrow 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  60.  #60Ella on August 25, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    Snuggling down to some loving Siren sleep now.

    It is raining her and I like that sound when I am tucked up in bed with my book.

    And the bed feels so warm and soft!

    Thanks Daria for reminding me tonight to just love myself, and that it is ALL about the vibe.

    Night Sirens.

    Much Love. xoxox



  61.  #61Jeannette on August 25, 2011 at 4:31 pm

    Thanks Ella, I have had 2 mo.s to think about alot of things and one thing I can say for sure. My Steve was an immensely sick man. I was on here alot just plain feeling sorry for myself. I know today that he deserved the very best, and that I am so glad I was there for him.. I didn’t complain to him hardly ever, and I am grateful. I might have complained to you guys at times. But that is what this site is for. Thank you for being there for me, so I could be there for Steve. Thanks to everyone!



  62.  #62Rose on August 25, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    Hi Jeanette, in response to #47..I had a similar situation almost identical. Shortly after my husband passed away, a male coworker said to me, “oh well now you can start dating again” I felt so sad and uncomfortable with the comment…I just said I wasn’t ready…I look back now and think, he was trying to offer advice and help..
    Sometimes people say things and don’t realize how it can effect others, or they say what would be comforting for them..Only you know what is comforting for you..Remember to take good care of you, this is what Steve would want for you..

    I did start dating again, not too long after he passed away, I met the man I am with now for 2 years already…



  63.  #63Lilybelle on August 25, 2011 at 5:01 pm

    LG~

    Celebrating indeed!!!

    I’ve been missing you.

    ~Lilybelly.



  64.  #64Tmizz on August 25, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    DE – I like your belief in your ability to “manifest happy endings.” Can I get in on that?? 😉



  65.  #65Tmizz on August 25, 2011 at 5:09 pm

    So, Oops – new post. Thought it was about time!

    This is copied from the last thread:

    Hey, Ladies –

    So, a little advice for me would be great.

    It’s possible that I’m having a bit of mid-cycle PMS (sometimes happens around ovulation). Any type of hormone change can up my anxiety level.

    But it’s Thursday. And I haven’t really spoken to RB since Sunday. Things were very close over the weekend. When we left each other, he was smiling, and looked so happy. But now I know that I’m going to feel bad if we get all the way to the weekend, and I haven’t heard from him. I don’t even need to make plans. I just want some contact. He never responded to my text about me missing him.

    So the question is: What to do?

    Lean back? Sit around? Wait for him to call when he’s ready?

    Or….do I shoot him a quick little message:

    “Hey, I’d like to chat. Would that be okay? When is a good time for you?”

    I know it’s not a feeling state. but he’s not responsible for my feelings right now.

    I want to be non-pushy. But I also want to get my needs met. I’d love to get some outside perspective on this. I really appreciate all the support.

    Thank you!! xoxo



  66.  #66DE on August 25, 2011 at 5:09 pm

    Tmizz:

    Aww, of course Dahling…anytime 😉 I love sharing …

    warm hugs,



  67.  #67DE on August 25, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    Tmizz:

    Nooooo…don’t do it…:(

    I feel a sense of urgency…something like u need him to make u feel better…

    I know these feelings…are awful..:(
    Sink into them instead…how does it feel to want a connection with him?

    What is the need behind? what are the feelings associated iwth it? him calling u…is not the real need…try to identify it…

    In your situation, I perceive a need for significance (need to feel special, worthy of attention) or connection (to feel loved and to love…)

    Melt into these feelings…don’t fight them by reaching out…bring your inner boy out and have him nurture and take care of u …

    what do u think?

    warm hugs,



  68.  #68tinque on August 25, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    There’s a hurricane on the way to NJ?!!! Category 1, 100 miles per hour winds. This is too weird.

    xxoo



  69.  #69DE on August 25, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    Wow Tinque…:( sigh…thoughts of loving angels with protective wings for u all in that area ….

    warm hugs,



  70.  #70tinque on August 25, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    Thank you Darling. Apparently if it actually does come, it will be historic.

    BTW Tmizz, I responded to you on the other thread.

    xxoo



  71.  #71DE on August 25, 2011 at 5:31 pm

    Hmm…

    T hasn’t called/txt all day to wish me Happy B-day…I feel a bit of anxiety…mixed feelings…

    He is supposed to pick me up tonite at 8…i stop myself from reasoning why/what…etc…

    Sigh…

    I feel mellow…the wine does help though … i can’t never argue with that 🙂

    Going to take a bath…figure out what to wear…if something comes up and he can’t make it, …i intend to go on a date with myself…to a very nice restaurant…15 floor …awesome balconies viewing the city…and after…i will go alone to a Salsa place…use some tools to keep my vibe up…or just act vulnerable…both seem to work…

    sigh…i love my sighs…they help me sink in…feel my tummy expanding…relaxing…get me closer to opening my pelvis, vagina…getting grounded…feeling safe…feeling home…feeling me…



  72.  #72Starla on August 25, 2011 at 6:05 pm

    ugh, feeling kinda like a stupid head cuz New Guy finally called me and made plans with me for sunday, and he said he will talk to me before then, and I said “will you really though?” he said yes, so i said “ok! cool!” and got off the phone.

    haha….eep…i’m still stuffing weird uncomfortable feelings about him not calling.



  73.  #73DE on August 25, 2011 at 6:41 pm

    Starla:

    Hmm…not sure if u are open to what i have to say…but, I did follow up with a few guys…when I felt like u…

    What prompted me…was meeting me need of connection to myself first and then to him…and translated as “taking care of me” about feeling heard, creating closseness, etc…

    U vibe is crucial when u do it! I had best results when I was willing to walk away…take a “no” for an answer…etc…no attachment whatsoever to the outcome…

    So, here is what i did:

    Me: “Hey, I would love to talk to u about something…when would you have some time to talk?”
    Him: “right now”…or “in a few hrs”
    Me: it would feel good if you could call me when u are available (or if u feel great about calling him…then, i would go for it)
    Him:” okay”
    now, he calls:
    me: “hello K…(always try to smile while u talk on the phone)
    HIM: “HI, what’s up?”
    me: “well, something has been bothering me…and it would feel sooo good if i could let out my chest…what do u think?”
    him: “okay…sure, go ahead ”
    me: “thank you…i feel angry about what i considered a miscommunication between us last weekend”
    him: “what do u mean?”
    me: “well, i feel bad cause i waited for u call…because u said u woudl…and now, i feel resentful…and i don’t want to feel that way with u 🙁 pause…what do u think we can do about it in the future?”
    let me talk…
    see how u feel
    if u feel appreciative..melt and express it…

    “wow, i feel great about finding a solution…thank u…i feel sooo much better…:) ”

    so, what do u think Starla Dahling?

    warm hugs,



  74.  #74DE on August 25, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    ups…correction:

    let him talk…take pauses…appreciate pauses…:)



  75.  #75DE on August 25, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    The biggest thing is when they become defensive…

    that is very tricky…having multiple CDs to practice uncomfortable situations come in very handy when u have to handle it with the “right” CD…teh one u interested in …

    When they become defensive i say:

    “wow. ..i feel surprised…and now I kinda of feel bad…i sense defensiveness…and i feel closed off and actually turned off…:(

    and go from there…sometime i hang up…sometimes, they hang up…oh, well 🙂 we want someone who can handle us…at least I do 🙂



  76.  #76Starla on August 25, 2011 at 7:07 pm

    Thanks DE

    i see him acting “stupider and stupider” and i have the urge to “fix” him. I am not stupid and I can see he is acting out of a place of insecurity and fear that I’ll stop liking him.

    This HAS to stop. And I can’t change him or point this out to him like a therapist…so for now all i will do is tell him how things feel and go from there.



  77.  #77Starla on August 25, 2011 at 7:13 pm

    i really need to do something to take care of myself right now.

    i just want attention from him…i’m so lame.



  78.  #78Femininewoman on August 25, 2011 at 7:19 pm

    RE 72 Starla “will you really though” sounds like what Rori calls the innocent question. It could trigger defensiveness or withdrawal is what I have experienced. They might experience it as disrespectful.



  79.  #79Femininewoman on August 25, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    Starla you are not lame. You are a girl and most of us like attention. Some of us our love language is quality time, where we can get the attention we need. That feeling of disappointment is just a map for you to identify your need.



  80.  #80LobbyStar on August 25, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    Home from my CD.

    Quiet Guy was a perfect gentleman. He wouldn’t move until I walked into the place first. He went to get me a refill of my drink – I felt so pampered. He made me laugh and smile and he laughed when he was supposed to. We spent 3.5 hours together, talking and smiling the whole time. I only wish he’d have kissed me sooner.

    But he did kiss me, after he walked me to my car. Perfect amount of tongue for a first date kiss. He asked to see me again. AND he texted me while I was in the car driving home! Twice!

    Debate Guy who?



  81.  #81Femininewoman on August 25, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    alias girl I love reading your comments. They make me feel warm inside.



  82.  #82Femininewoman on August 25, 2011 at 7:26 pm

    RE 80 Just remember he will be on his best behavior for now.



  83.  #83Starla on August 25, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    78 fw, yes…that is my point! I goofed because I’m stuffing. Thanks for the lecture anyway:P

    (more defensiveness from me, sorry)

    i think my little comment will not work against me though. because i get the sense that he was thinking i could care less if he called.

    mostly i think it came out so i could see that this whole not calling thing is something i have to vocalize to him…i really was hoping to stuff it down and see what happened next, but the reason this comes up is cuz I must heal it and address it.

    soon this will be healed!!



  84.  #84alias girl on August 25, 2011 at 8:13 pm

    #81 Feminine Woman I FEEL TERRIFIC TO READ THAT! THANK YOU!! aw. 🙂



  85.  #85Starla on August 25, 2011 at 8:15 pm

    now he is paying attention to me online and everything he says or doesn’t say is a huge trigger fest.

    wow

    mega healing opportunity THANK YOU this is just what i wanted



  86.  #86Mel on August 25, 2011 at 8:33 pm

    Lobbystar,

    I hope my CD goes that well tomorrow! So excited! That kiss sounds dreamy! 🙂

    This is date #2 with 2-hour chat guy. This time we’re going to an arts festival… silent era movie screening, then off to the local cafe for some live music. He’s crashing at a friend’s place in town then in the AM, we’re going up to see the bees. This sounds super fun! I’m hoping that I will also get a dreamy kiss! 😉

    Bee-sting coffee guy asked if I was free this weekend (which I’m not), but he said to tell him when I’m all settled into my new place. There are four others that are keen to meet me, but are being patient until I have more free time.

    So far chat guy is my fave though… we’ll see how tomorrow goes!

    Good night ladies!

    Good night ladies!



  87.  #87Jeannette on August 25, 2011 at 8:35 pm

    Rose, did you feel sort of guilty when you began dating again? Also, Steve was so sweet. And I think he would be sad if I saw someone else.



  88.  #88Jeannette on August 25, 2011 at 8:36 pm

    Happy b’day DE!



  89.  #89Starla on August 25, 2011 at 8:37 pm

    TMIZZ, don’t do it!
    🙂



  90.  #90Mel on August 25, 2011 at 8:41 pm

    Happy Birthday DE! Hope your day was fantastic! 🙂



  91.  #91Mel on August 25, 2011 at 8:46 pm

    I’ve given my CDs really lame names… LOL. Must think of some better ones! 😉



  92.  #92Starla on August 25, 2011 at 9:00 pm

    Mel,
    I was just thinking about simplifying my CD’s names to numbers. So CD 1, CD 2, etc….all the way to CD 15

    that’s right…i want 15 cd’s 🙂



  93.  #93Mel on August 25, 2011 at 9:13 pm

    Me too Starla! And 15 dreamy kisses!



  94.  #94LobbyStar on August 25, 2011 at 9:14 pm

    86: Thanks, Mel! I feel excited to read about how your CD goes!

    And re: 92 Starla

    I’ve had 15 CDs and you’ll need a spreadsheet to keep them straight! 😉



  95.  #95Starla on August 25, 2011 at 10:03 pm

    94 lobby star

    awesome, i love spreadsheets.



  96.  #96Kayla on August 25, 2011 at 10:46 pm

    Okay sirens.. I need your advice. So today my man called me when I was at a friends house and asked if I wanted to go do something, I told him yes I do but it would have to wait because I am with a friend right now and I had some errands to run, he told me he would call me later. He called me about four hours later and said he would stop by in a few and he would call before he stopped by… Well that was at about 6:20 and I haven’t heard from him since then.. Usually he always calls or gets ahold of me somehow telling me why he didn’t follow through with the plans.. (I’m not saying that he doesn’t follow through a lot because he does) but tonight he hasn’t called me or texted me or anything… Should I be worried? Any advice helps.. It seems to me that I am just feeling a little bit paranoid because this is the first time it has happened.. But I’m not sure. What do you think sirens? Thanks (:



  97.  #97Butterfly Wings on August 25, 2011 at 11:58 pm

    OMG!!! TH just bought me concert tickets!!!

    The other day we were driving to his house and on the radio they announced that Roxette and 1927 were playing here in February (not sure if you girls know who they are..) and I said “OMG I’d love to go and see them!”. And that’s all that was said, because I’m in the midst of a financial “drought” right now while I wait for my house sale etc to go through so I had no intention of buying tickets.

    Earlier today I received a message from him – he had copied and pasted the details of the receipt and sent it to me. He bought me two tickets – for me and one of my gf’s!!!! OMG OMG OMG!!!! He is just sooooo sweet! She officially loves him to bits now too! lol

    I feel soooo touched that he would even do that! And it was two days ago that I mentioned it and nothing has been said since. So he just did that out of the blue! Wow! I have NEVER been with a guy like that before. I like it! 😀



  98.  #98alias girl on August 26, 2011 at 12:03 am

    i feel not that interested in this one cd. i feel like he’s “putting me on”.

    now having written that i actually feel angry. like, dude, screw you, who are you kidding?

    i don’t need another guy from the hood in my life. one is enough. i don’t want any more.

    i have a straight arrow. a street dude. a creative guy. a lot of stodgy guys.

    the open slots are rich HHG, or anyone fun and who can afford to take me on dates and knows how to step up.

    no room for young street dude who parties and gets high, doesn’t have a car or $ and thinks he can game his way into a lot of women’s lives.

    i just

    ain’t feelin’ it.

    i’ve been down this route before. i know this game. this.. talk me up, say what you think i wanna hear, tell me how great i am, tell me i’m the queen and i make the decisions and blow up my phone all day with texts and calls.

    until you score. and hook the girl.

    i do not wish to be a part of this game. i just am not feeling it.

    and i feel bad that i created this whole story. i could be wrong. about some things.

    some things are fact. and even with just the facts alone and leaving out my negative story line.

    i am not feelin’ it.

    and i feel weird. like i don’t know how to tell him.

    how about “i feel like i am at a different place in my life and am looking for something different?”

    that sounds ok to me. not exactly a real feeling message but whatever.

    a real feeling message would be. “i feel uncomfortable and don’t want to get involved. i don’t want a man with no money who lives in the hood and gets drunk and high and has zero plan for his life.”

    i feel better to use the first one with the non-feeling message.

    we spoke earlier and he asked me to call him later and i didn’t want to. i told him i would see how i feel. i told him he could call me if he wanted.

    he texted and called. in the hours before though i realized how i felt and now i feel weird.

    i feel like he is Pretending to be really into me and so a part of me doesn’t want to hurt his feelings or reject him.

    but another part of me feels like, please. this is his act. how could he be this into me?

    if he had his life together and was a viable candidate i might suspend my low self-esteem doubts and just go with the flow and let him be into me.

    but it feels false. and so

    i don’t know.

    just working it out as i type on the blog.

    ew. and now he just called again.

    ew.

    i feel annoyed. and like he’s trying to play me.

    i feel angry. screw you and you and all your homies thinking it’s fun and funny to get game over women.

    screw you.

    you think cuz you’re young i need a hot stud? please.

    i can pull in a young hot stud that actually LIKES ME LEGIT LIKES ME and isn’t just runnin game on me.

    I FEEL ANGRY.

    and also a little embarrassed since i have no facts to back up my hypothesis.

    still. that’s how i feel and that’s the story i created and whatever. i don’t feel like apologizing for it. i don’t feel like giving him the benefit of the doubt.

    I ACTUALLY FEEL REALLY REALLY REALLY ANGRY

    about all the men in my past who i feel tried to play me.

    I FEEL VERY HATEFUL TOWARDS THOSE KINDS OF MEN IN THIS MOMENT.

    well hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahaha

    who’s a goddess now?

    who’s in touch with her feelings now and can’t get played anymore?

    ahahahahahahahahahah

    who’s more lovely than she ever has been in her whole entire life?

    who has OPTIONS in every area of her life?

    who feels so good so often?

    that’s right.

    play that.



  99.  #99Butterfly Wings on August 26, 2011 at 12:03 am

    96: Kayla – If it were me and TH had said “I’ll be there in a few and call beforehand” and didn’t show, then I’d be all worried and yeah I’d contact him just to make sure he wasn’t in a car accident or something.

    Of course that’s leaning forward, but if he’s usually good when it comes to letting you know when he can’t get there, then I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt.

    I suppose then it might be a good time for you to work out some good FM’s if his reason for not turning up isn’t a good one! 😉



  100.  #100alias girl on August 26, 2011 at 12:39 am

    something has triggered me and thrown me off.

    i feel like hiding. i feel scared. i feel off balance.

    i feel like i want to disassociate and go numb.

    i feel like i want to check out.

    i also feel very curious. what is this?

    is there something scary in my now?

    no. lol. i am sitting propped in my cozy bed with a lit candle after a nice shower. with my teddy bear right here.

    uh.

    reality is quite nice. so maybe i’ll just stay here in my nice little life right NOW and focus on something pleasant and not let my mind start a circus of NV or a parade of unpleasant memories.

    thank you.



  101.  #101alias girl on August 26, 2011 at 12:42 am

    i wish someone would make me some healthy brownies and that they were coming out of the oven right NOW. mmmm .

    i wanted to make some earlier but i got distracted by a call and then lost my brownie making mojo.

    i’ve never made brownies without a mix before so… that will be interesting.



  102.  #102English Woman on August 26, 2011 at 12:43 am

    #98 Alias Girl

    Maybe this party guy is showing up as the contrast between what you don’t want (you’ve been there before) in your life and what you do want in your life. 😀



  103.  #103Butterfly Wings on August 26, 2011 at 12:57 am

    101: alias girl – mmmmm…! Brownies….! 😛 Yummy!

    So hungry right now too… but have to wait cos I’m having dinner with my beautiful parents at an Italian restaurant in an hour… 🙂



  104.  #104alias girl on August 26, 2011 at 12:57 am

    #102 English Woman

    Maybe. i feel unsure but it feels very triggering. and yes, also a stark contrast between what i do and do not want.

    so maybe your perspective is actually a really good way to look at it. 🙂 thank you.

    why be angry? haha i can feel really appreciative that that situation holds no allure for me.

    i don’t care for smoke up my goddess a**. i don’t desire attention. i desire CONNECTION.

    i know how to get attention. does little for me.



  105.  #105alias girl on August 26, 2011 at 1:02 am

    ok. get ready self.

    because i keep getting braver and braver with my authenticity project.

    i would MUCH rather be hated for who i am than loved for who i am not. MUCH MUCH MUCHO MAMA!

    i’d rather not be hated but… i’m done monkey dancing around. so whatever people want to feel is their own perogative and of little concern to me.



  106.  #106alias girl on August 26, 2011 at 1:04 am

    #103 BW that sounds like a lovely evening. i hope you all enjoy it and each other. 🙂

    BROWNIES! AH you may have re-inspired me! maybe i will head into the kitchen…and concoct



  107.  #107Butterfly Wings on August 26, 2011 at 1:25 am

    Send some down here when you’re done AG! 😛



  108.  #108alias girl on August 26, 2011 at 1:33 am

    #107 BW

    i haven’t budged from my bed. lol. i just want to eat one. not make a whole batch.

    so maybe you buy one from your fancy dinner place and Send it to ME!!!!

    “what do you think?”



  109.  #109alias girl on August 26, 2011 at 3:43 am

    so i ended up making sort of brownie-muffins. they turned out Really good.

    they’re on their way to you, Butterflywings!



  110.  #110Daria on August 26, 2011 at 4:25 am

    okay so my dream

    involved dragons

    lots of them and i forgot the first part with them sitting around in a circle

    but teh second part my sister’s gf was driving me and thre was another girl

    oh yeah first there were these boys who came to my parents house and i was busy trying to make sure they didnt leave a mess

    and then we went to visit them, along with this older man i met on pof

    and we were driving back, and me and my sis’s friend were gonan get some weed

    she wanted it and i actually was like well only if u want to tho i was looking forward to it

    cuz i wanted to go out back where there were men and i didnt want to lose all my gumption which happens when i smoke

    so then we had to go through hallways and doors in the projects to get one of the guys and that guy home

    and then we saw a dragon and i helped heal the dragon by wrapping up its paw with my magic scarf

    and then the dragon was going to help us

    there was also a big house party before this i remember, it was like at a vineyard



  111.  #111Butterfly Wings on August 26, 2011 at 4:51 am

    108: alias girl – Oh oops! I just got home and saw your post, so it seems we miss out because I was just too full to order dessert! 😛 Maybe next time!

    But going by #109 it seems I’ll get my dessert afterall! Yay AG! 🙂

    Oh, BTW, it was an Italian restaurant we went to and OMG there were two VERY HOT waiters! Too bad I was there with my parents…! 😉



  112.  #112Butterfly Wings on August 26, 2011 at 5:27 am

    Talking to TH on Skype right now and asked if he was sure he didn’t want to come to the concert with me because he’d therefore get the opportunity to hear me singing along for two or more entire hours.

    His response: “sounds ummm like hell”

    Haha! Still can’t believe he bought the tickets for my gf and I and didn’t even want to go… 🙂

    I feel so grateful! 🙂 🙂 🙂



  113.  #113Daria on August 26, 2011 at 6:17 am

    wow with the mud mask stuff old healed stuff on my skin is starting to show a lil, i wonder if its healing some more



  114.  #114Daria on August 26, 2011 at 6:21 am

    Butterfly Wings – i am feeling curious when i read your posts

    taht kinda teasing is what i often feel attracted to yet i notice it doesn’t feel good to me in a deep level or i feel scared it will feel worse overtime

    i feel attracted to men who tease me in this way – and i also feel offbalance… a different feeling than i have with men who compliment me a lot .. .which i am starting to enjoy and look for

    it feels interesting to me that it doesn’t seem to trigger you

    omg ppl are fighting in the street and screaming

    this guy just kicked at this woman kids are running



  115.  #115Butterfly Wings on August 26, 2011 at 7:03 am

    114: Daria – No his teasing never triggers me, and I tease him too and there is never any harm meant in it – his singing voice is even worse than mine, and he sings whenever we’re in the car for the entire trip, just because he knows I can’t escape! lol

    He’s not always teasing, and there have been many times when I just needed comfort and that’s when he held me in a way that no man has ever held me. I’ve never felt so comforted in my life. That was truly the most amazing feeling…

    He’s not big on compliments, but when he does give them, they do mean a lot to me. I think he mirrors me in a way too – I’m not great on giving compliments either!

    Although today I told him he is officially my most favourite person in the world after buying me those concert tickets! 🙂

    As for being triggered, I probably get triggered a lot less than most people I know. I suppose after 9 years of constant fighting and being triggered by my first husband, I’ve learned that all battles are just not worth fighting or being worried about.

    But if somebody I care for is being talked about in a negative way, watch out! THAT is when I get triggered! I suppose that’s the protective part of me coming out… 🙂

    OMG did anybody get hurt??? Scary! :-\



  116.  #116DE on August 26, 2011 at 7:05 am

    Thank you Jeannette!

    Thank you Mel!

    I had a great Bday indeed 🙂

    warm hugs,



  117.  #117Butterfly Wings on August 26, 2011 at 7:06 am

    Daria, I remember back to a motivational speaker who presented at my work once, and he talked about only worrying about what you can do something about.

    For example, he was talking about gravity. It’s there, we know it’s there, we know what it does. But we don’t spend all of our time being triggered by it or worrying about it. Because it just is.

    He then referred to situations in our lives where some things happen that we have absolutely zero control over, nor is there anything we can do about it.

    He suggested that we therefore treat these things as we would gravity and not waste our energy on it.

    That part of the talk has really stuck with me over the years and I suppose that’s another big part of the reason why very little bothers me these days.

    Of course there are things that trigger me, but they’re rare.



  118.  #118Butterfly Wings on August 26, 2011 at 7:08 am

    Happy birthday for yesterday (was it yesterday? I get confused with time difference!) DE!



  119.  #119DE on August 26, 2011 at 7:16 am

    Thank you Butterfly Wings 🙂 Yes, it was yesterday 🙂

    warm hugs,



  120.  #120Daria on August 26, 2011 at 7:20 am

    Dear Daria Goddess mind – it would feel great to write down through my hands now, how to fulfill my dream of living in new york, soon in a way that feels lovely and good…

    well go there… and then live with your friend a couple weeks and check out ghetto apartments

    then pay for it

    then there you are!

    hmm thanks

    and how do i pay for it?

    you will have all the money and things you need to pay for it once you go

    and if in trouble you can ask your family for help

    and what aobut this fear i feel cluthching in my tummy

    i love your fear

    so beautiful

    bluish green like ocean water

    hmm thanks



  121.  #121Daria on August 26, 2011 at 7:24 am

    hmm i feel blank

    i feel like im hitting that wall

    okay open heart…

    mm im feeling defensive

    i love me



  122.  #122Daria on August 26, 2011 at 7:34 am

    ah my heart aches!

    hello im noticing!

    feeling excited!!



  123.  #123DE on August 26, 2011 at 7:36 am

    I had a great Bday overall 🙂

    Had lunch with my son at Papa Ha*yden…an awesome german restaurant with the best deserts in town…

    Had some champagne when i got home…

    T came promptly at 8 pm to pick me up…although, i felt a bit anxious about not hearing from him all day…

    He was an awesome gentleman, open door, close door…we went to a very romantic restaurant on the 15 floor…had table on the balcony overseeing the city…

    it feels like i known him for a long time…
    i feel so comfortable sharing with him…
    i feel safer every time…
    i feel cared for…
    i feel wanted…desired…treated like a Queen
    Hmm…i feel smiley typing this…
    wow…he has the qualities i desire in a partner…
    he books dates with me…we worked on that a bit…since he tends to ask indirectly…like “what are u plans x, y, z?”
    i felt annoyed about it…and i expressed that it doesn’t feel good, but that i find it very attractive being approached directly with “i want to see u this Sat…can i take u out x, y, z?” something like that turns me on…so far, he is a fast learner …and wants to please me …

    hmm…and the lover part…oh my…he is something…wow…he can go on and on…and on…every single time i see him (known him for over 2 months…became closer about a month ago)…and wants to please me…wow…

    okay, most of guys i been with wanted that…but this time, i don’t know…i feel more appreciative and into it then before…i feel opening…no guilt, no self-judgements…i just dive in enjoying receiving and giving…pleasure …

    well, yesterday was awesome…tomorrow nite we are supposed to go out with my friends to celebrate…it feels awesome to have someone who wants to be there with u…and of course, i want him more and more with me too…

    sigh…back to work today…:)



  124.  #124Esteemed on August 26, 2011 at 8:26 am

    I had a major blessing yesterday! My biggest challenge on a job is to simply stay awake, because I have sleep apnea, excessive sleepiness, and narcolepsy. I can fall asleep very easily, and I have lost jobs because of it.

    The medication to keep awake without caffeine or amphetimines is Nuvigil, and it’s about $500 a month. Yesterday I was put in touch with a new doctor through someone at my church. I told her I was about to get insurance, and until then, I was concerned about staying awake on the job. She gave me a one month supply of Nuvigil!!

    I now feel fully confident going to my new job!!



  125.  #125Daria on August 26, 2011 at 9:57 am

    i feel pouty

    i love my pout

    i fel a sigh

    i love my sigh

    i feel a burp

    i love my burp

    i feel a hiccup

    i love my hiccup

    i feel a throat clearing

    i love my throat clearing

    i feel a giggle

    i love my giggle

    i feel more giggle

    i love my more giggle

    weeee

    hehehehehehe



  126.  #126Wildflower on August 26, 2011 at 10:14 am

    Ok sirens i just want to vent. I don’t want to sound winey or piney (but I guess I will anyway lol).

    HM still hasn’t called me. This is the longest we’ve ever gone without speaking. He usually calls me during the week to set up a date for the weekend. He hasn’t this week 🙁

    Things seemed to be going well. I was leaning back. He seemed to want to step up.

    It bothers me that this happened when I expressed that I didn’t want to drive to meet men. He seemed totally understanding, drove to pick me up and acted like a total gentleman. Kissed me passionately at the end.

    I guess he could be busy working on other things. I don’t want to jump to the negative that he’s “weeded himself out.” If he has I suppose it’s for the best long term. It would just feel so damn confusing.

    He knows I’m flying home very soon and we’ll be several thousand miles away. Feels rotten and crappy waiting for his phone call and wondering what’s up.

    I have another date tonight. So that’s good.

    It’s just the last time I spoke up about what I don’t want to a man (in feeling messages) i really liked he vanished.

    or who knows. maybe it has nothing to do with that. maybe this is just my worried, negative thoughts.

    he knows i don’t like to call men. i never call him.

    uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh i feel sick.



  127.  #127Wildflower on August 26, 2011 at 10:19 am

    I’m going to try to RIFF because I feel crazy right now. I feel tightness in my chest, ilove my tightness. i feel a lump in my throat. i love the lump. i feel tension in my head. i love the tension. i feel tightness in my neck. i love the tightness. i feel nervous butterflies in my chest. i love my nervous butterflies. i feel tears. i love my tears.

    ok i’m feeling the keyboard. the keys are real. it feels nice to know something is real. they feel smooth. i love the smoothness.



  128.  #128Wildflower on August 26, 2011 at 10:22 am

    ok i want to express something happy. i gave my first lap dance last night. it was in my class so it was to another student in the class but still. i felt proud of myself. one of these days i may try it for a special man. not in a leaning forward sort of way. just because i want to try it.



  129.  #129T-Girl on August 26, 2011 at 10:37 am

    Wildflower – I’m intrigued…what kind of class are you taking?

    I have learned that my local “love shop” is giving classes on various topics. I’m all for learning 🙂



  130.  #130Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 10:53 am

    Wildflower you doing lapdance classes? Wow.



  131.  #131Plum on August 26, 2011 at 10:56 am

    57: Ella

    ***I feel defensive and cross reading this. ***

    Again?
    Here is a tip given by specialists in charge of trying to make peace between tribes and countries:

    telling a person you feel defensive is the first act of war. .

    In case you don’t know of any wars on the planet and of any of the diplomatic attempts, I will mention somebody easier for you to understand, more commercializable: Byron Katie.

    You started your communication in the first post to me informing me you feel defensive.
    I was not even addressing you at all, I was minding my life on my side and you attacked me, informing me out of the blue you feel defensive reading posts not addressed to you at all. (Defensiveness + gossips)

    I refused to fall into the war trap and I tried to find a positive justification to your negative intruding judgmental post that was attacking my words not meant at all for you. None of your business.

    I did find a way to justify it positively by opting to think you were speaking of yourself and yourself only, it was not related to me at all.
    I wish you would not name me when you know it is not related to me, but you’ll get there eventually some day.

    So I closed my eyes on the fact you were manipulating my words out of nowhere, when I am not even in an interaction with you, and you seemed to be using me to express your profound inner feelings of war.
    If using me can help you, I decided to bare with your attempt at controlling my interaction with others. I don’t like it, but I thought it would not kill me either… Not sure anymore.

    I was not assuming for you, I tried to understand why I was being attacked out of nowhere, me doing nothing NEGATIVE to you, as usual, and I clearly asked if my insight was the right one.

    Here you go again, putting up the defensive wall for war.

    With a healthy mature man, chances are he would stop communicating after a few of this surprise attacks that, furthermore, mind his life outside of his relationship with you.

    *** I believe that I express how *I* feel. ***

    No, you judged my posts to others.
    I did not ask for you negative judgments of my words, yet you threw it to my face, out of nowhere. You judge they are too harsh for others, projecting yourself on others, like if you knew what my words are meant to cause inside them You judge they are like scary movies. No feeling in there.

    ***I feel angry and furious when I perceive that someone believes they know about me better than me and they are telling me how I am feeling. ***

    It is none of my business if you feel furious and angry, yet I want to state I don’t see how this relates to me.
    Why is this problem of yours related to a post of mine or anything I said to you when I was nice enough to peacefully answer to your sudden attack?
    I want you to paste the part of my post that implies to your mind that I am telling you how you feel.

    You have been telling me how you judge my posts, not the way around. You are the one minding my life, not the way around. I respect you space, you are the one who don’t respect mine. Let’s see things the way they really are.

    I was not addressing you, I have never judged any of your posts. I don’t comment your posts even when you ask for comments; I only give my insight when you clearly ask for insight on a situation, which is different from commenting your thoughts or feelings and interaction with others on here, which is what you do to me.
    After you clearly request for help, when you judge that my way to serve you does not fit the way you imagine you should be served and you judge my help is some type of evil specially meant to make you feel bad, I still don’t judge you back. When you bite my hand instead of saying thank you, I peacefully say “I’ll stay silent if you resent the help you have asked for”. And I do, I stay silent as long as I can, even when you beg for help. I try to stay away from you as much as I can.
    I respect you don’t like my style, I don’t interfere or intrude unlike you do to me. Unless you really ask for more help and if I don’t see sirens giving it to you, then I fall into the trap of giving you what you ask for. Hoping you won’ t bite me. You sometimes do, sometimes don’t.

    What else can I do? It is you who reached out to attack me, yet again, to mind my style yet again, although I was staying away from you.
    I had not judged you, it is you who keep projecting your judgments on my posts, then you think it comes from my words. . I am not telling you what you feel, it is you who negatively impress my mind, imposing your negative judgments of my words, although I am not asking for your opinion of me and my style was not aimed at you at all. Where did that comment pop up from and what for?

    *** I feel annoyed, turned off and defensive when someone assumes without any doubt that they know my truth or how things are with me, and tell me so. ***

    Defensive again, it is up to you to work on the feeling of defensiveness or to keep building the wall for wars.
    If a man tells me he feels turned off, I am out of there lol
    If anybody tells me they are turned off, I am out of there too, looking for somebody opened to communication with me. So my question is you feel turned off by my words yet again, as usual, so why the hell did you even comment my words to start with, when I was minding my life away from you?
    What is the sense of all this defensiveness and furiousness when I was not even addressing you, and after you first attacked me, all I did was to ask one question to try to understand what was happening to me out of nowhere.

    I opted to think it was all about you. I opted to decide you were not being rude or mean or insulting to me, you were not aware you were judgmental, you thought you were talking about yourself and only yourself.
    Yourself are saying, in the second post, this part of my assessment is correct, you believe you were talking about yourself.
    OK so, how does this fit with the negative judgments you expressed about me? How can it be only about you?
    Well, simple: what if you are using me like an object? What if you deny my existence?
    OK, I said fine, I will let her use me and ignore my existence totally and use me to express about herself totally.
    From there anything you said against me or my posts was to mean something about you:
    You say my posts are like a scary movie => I asked if you meant you are scared of facing your truth?
    You say you want to shut your eyes yet you look at the posts => I asked if you meant you are forcing yourself to look at your feelings in spite of being scared of them.
    You say you like to read my posts in spite of the scary movie thing => I asked if you meant you like to face your truth in spite of the fear, at the end it feels good meeting oneself.

    You did answer to the question. You said what I tried to understand in your uncalled judgments of my posts, is not what you wanted me to understand.
    Thank you for the answer.
    But what is all the other crap around it for?
    Where you read a doubtless (!??) assumption of your truth was in fact a question waiting for a simple answer.

    Do you realize I was not speaking to you at all?
    You attacked me, throwing at my face you feel defensive out of nowhere, followed by a serie of negative judgments of my posts. If everybody was doing that to everybody, this site would be close long time ago lol
    Yet, I did not bite your war thing. I peacefully asked a QUESTION, trying to find a positive justification of your jumping on my posts.
    Do you realize that all I did was asking a question, a polite one?
    All it was taking was a polite answer.

    What is all that defensiveness and furiousness and assumptions of being assumed and interpretations of your feelings told to you and bla bla bla
    You got yourself wound up on your own, I was not speaking to you at all and all I did when you attacked me was ask ONE polite question!
    You are responsible for the judgments you projected on the question.

    xxx



  132.  #132Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 10:57 am

    Wildflower I did not see you loving your winey piney two year old voice.

    Are you in the hurricane zone? Could that be what he is focussing on?

    Also what if he is planning a grand surprise and don’t want to be around you to avoid giving it away?

    Is it possible to believe something good around his disappearance without having expecatations?

    Choose better feeling thoughts?



  133.  #133Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 10:58 am

    Looking for feeling messages in everyday life I was just listening to Rihanna and M&M’s “The Way we Are” and noticed some graphic ones.



  134.  #134Camille on August 26, 2011 at 11:04 am

    Hey Sirens!
    Its been a week since my last post. (I sound like im in confession and I’m not even catholic) LOL

    anyway……….its gonna take me a minute to catch up on everyone………….

    Just FYI if anyone is interested………we put a bid in on the house……….but we didnt get it (dang!)



  135.  #135LobbyStar on August 26, 2011 at 11:05 am

    Ok, last night’s CD went really well, and I feel so happy about that. I NEEDED some good after the Debate Guy fiasco.

    Tonight I meet a new CD, Film Dude. We have not talked at length, so all he knows about me is what he read in my dating profile. He repeatedly tells me I’m cute. After we set up the date, he sent me a pic of the shirt he will be wearing, which I thought was clever. The next day, he sent me a little film (in a text message) showing his office and all the cameras and computers he uses to make films. Ok, Film Dude, you have my attention.

    Meeting tonight after work for coffee and maybe a movie. I can’t wait to see what this brings up for me.



  136.  #136Camille on August 26, 2011 at 11:07 am

    Good Luck Lobbystar! He sounds interesting and creative. Have fun!



  137.  #137Camille on August 26, 2011 at 11:09 am

    Wildflower!
    I want to learn to give a lapdance. That feels exciting and fun…………and sexy

    any pointers for the sirens on the blog?



  138.  #138Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 11:09 am

    RE 131 Plum I used the same line to a cd recently because he was pushing for more closeup and full bodied pictures. He came back saying enough of the lecturing he is a good man at heart and just wanted to see more. I wrote back saying I was feeling uncomfortable about sending more and did not want to feel that way.

    His last comment ” pictures speak louder than words. please oblige me versus fighting me. i obviously want you to be comfortable and not defensive with each other. even take a chance and open up a bit.you must admit the only advertised photograph of you is not a close up and a whole lot of woman carefully hidden under this classy gown, suggest how i can make you comfy with me! don’t concerned about “few extra pounds”, cause i am not!darling, the physical attraction is not what brought me to you i could not see any of you at all , ‘the sole picture you advertised here’ think you are a whole lot of woman, a great mind and people. seems like you have a splendid smile and very seductive lips which am also enticed to see. what can i do to make you feel more comfortable and see moe of you? you can understand ” buying a cat in a hat”. also we can take this offline as you wish.”

    He is a french speaker.



  139.  #139Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 11:12 am

    LobbyStar that’s him trying to impress you. Give him space to strut his feathers. I imagine he might have a lot to say.



  140.  #140Camille on August 26, 2011 at 11:12 am

    DE,
    Im so glad you had a wonderful birthday filled with the things you desire and deserve. Your posts sound so warm, juicy, sensual when you talk of him. Hehehe makes me smile.



  141.  #141Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 11:17 am

    Camille a cd recently told me that happened to him several times recently when he bid for houses. Seems the prices are going back up.



  142.  #142Wildflower on August 26, 2011 at 11:19 am

    Hmmm don’t know if I’m ready to give pointers yet lol but I’l try. The girl who teaches the class always tells us to go slow. Usually it’s more of a sexy dance class but last night she taught us some lapdance techniques. It was fun and actually felt a lot easier than the sexy dance (although I’m hardly an expert!).

    I’ve been taking pole dancing classes and sexy dance classes. They are wonderful. Aside from looking pretty the pole dancing makes you feel strong. The instructors are so supportive.

    I’m in my late 30s and just starting out with this. I would recommend it to anyone–seriously.



  143.  #143Rori Raye on August 26, 2011 at 11:21 am

    Loneplum and Ella – I disagree with the thought that telling a person you feel defensive is an act of war. I believe that to be the first act of PEACE. I’m writing a post about it. Thank you, Loneplum for your comment…and I did not see Ella’s comment as attacking at all. I experienced it as a genuine Feeling Message, delivered correctly and with heart – and am fascinated how this triggered you so mightily, Loneplum. I did not actually see any judgments in Ella’s comments. So – we have a genuine, amazing thing to work out here – and I’ve emailed Loneplum to see if we can get into a discussion about this. Whereas “What is all the other crap around it for?” is a judgmental statement. Please, please don’t take this as me taking sides – I HAVE no sides – I only see demonstrations of how I can help you tweak your thinking, your words, your actions to best serve you. And playing off each other is often the BEST way to help this happen. That’s what community is for. So – let’s get on the same team here, please – and see if we can work this the way we’d work it in a love relationship! There really is no difference. Anger is anger – and the way we express it is crucial to everything. Love, Rori



  144.  #144Susan on August 26, 2011 at 11:22 am

    RE: 134: Camille!

    I’ve been waiting impatiently to hear what happened!!!



  145.  #145Wildflower on August 26, 2011 at 11:22 am

    BTW I live in the Philly area so I just googled a place. Actually a bunch of places popped up. I’m really hoping the have pole dance classes in the country I live in (surely they do). Just hopefully in or near my town. If not maybe I’ll try belly dancing…

    I would also say try it a couple of times. The first class I took was fun but the instructor wasn’t so great so I could see people getting discouraged. The next class I took the instructor was wonderful. I guess that’s common sense but fyi…



  146.  #146Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 11:22 am

    RE 126 Wildflower has he ever asked you to call him?

    The energy behind the word never feels very final and negative to me.



  147.  #147T-Girl on August 26, 2011 at 11:25 am

    I have seen pole dancing classes in my area – in fact, I think it was offered on Groupon recently. Sounds like alot of fun! I am loving taking new classes and growing in this area whereas last year at this time I wouldn’t have even considered it.



  148.  #148Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 11:26 am

    RE 143 Thanks for that Rori though it is addressed to Ella and Plum. I am definitely going to bring that up to that cd who about the defensiveness and see what he says to see how he thinks about it. hhhmmm interesting.



  149.  #149T-Girl on August 26, 2011 at 11:26 am

    I love the new me!



  150.  #150Wildflower on August 26, 2011 at 11:26 am

    on our second date (it went very well) at the very end he kissed me and told me to give him a call if i wanted to hang out again. I reiterated i feel weird initiating phone calls to men(i had told him that early on). He told me, “we’ve been on two dates. it’s not initiating.” I said, “I guess you’re right.” So I called him and left kind of a flirty message. he’s called me all the time ever since and he’s never asked me to call him again.



  151.  #151T-Girl on August 26, 2011 at 11:27 am

    I think I am going to take the new me out to a nice chineese lunch. Another thing I wouldn’t have done by myself last year – gone out to a sit down restaurant by myself. Now I really enjoy it!



  152.  #152Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 11:29 am

    Wildflower even us 50 year olds. lol
    Someone asked me last night what I do and I asked him you mean like pole dancing he could stop laughing. Seems it triggered an image in his head. It is a class I have been debating with myself about. I will ask my Zumba teacher about it later. She is a dancer that teaches just about every dance.



  153.  #153Wildflower on August 26, 2011 at 11:32 am

    ok FW you have a good point so i’m going to try to choose some good thoughts (even if i don’t quite believe them). at the time the best good thoughts i could choose was to riff about my keyboard lol.

    i’m choosing to think maybe because there is a hurricane predicted for this weekend he is waiting to call me since he wouldn’t want to set up a date and then break it. i’ve never expressed to him that i like more consistent communication. in fact, one time i got irritated at him for txting instead of calling me, so i guess part of this could be my fault (heaven forbid). but i don’t want to beat myself up. i do hate texts. i think they’re wimpy in certain cases (not always).

    uuuugh i’m going ot stop there because the negative feelings are creeping in. ok i love you negative voice. ok i’m imagining holding her by the hand and leading her out the door to the pretty field.



  154.  #154Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 11:35 am

    Wildflower then I would try to stay open. Him calling all the time might be his effort to get you comfortable with him. I would try to stay open rather than getting wound up about him not calling, he might have some unspoken needs around that, as in needing some encouragement to know that you are really interested. Plus you are in Philly so who knows he might be concerned about the incoming hurricane also. My date for tonight is cancelled because of that. I knew from last night be he called a few minutes ago to update me on how his job is putting new demands on him to be prepared and asked “I wonder why the cosmos is trying to keep me from meeting you. I promise I will put a smile on your face when we meet”. Yes he is a new cd but obviously extenuating circumstances are influencing what is happening, plus there are others who are stepping up. So I am “shoulders back and down, relaxed and open”.



  155.  #155Wildflower on August 26, 2011 at 11:36 am

    FW YES all ages–seriously. there were women older and younger than me there last night.

    i’ve always been a physical person. in fact i express myself so much better that way. but i never got in to dance. always felt afraid of it in some ways. this has been wonderful and it really compliments what rori teaches if that is something you want. it’s still fun regardless. you can tell the girl who teaches the sexy dance actually likes her job. she talks about ways to really work your “femininity” when you’re dancing.



  156.  #156Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 11:39 am

    One last thing Wildflower, I believe it is happening to help you know what your needs are and to see your thought patterns. But you don’t have to believe your thoughts. Going to the automatic negative emotional override of irritation creates that energy that can be felt in the “ether”. I would notice it ever time it comes up to see the frequency and see how it affects me in my body. That could be taking up a lot of space that could be channeled into creativity or wonder.



  157.  #157Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 11:41 am

    RE 155 Same experience I have with my teacher but she is a ballet dancer. So feminine and graceful. I will definitely start looking up about classes and talk to her about it to see if she has any recommendations.



  158.  #158DE on August 26, 2011 at 11:47 am

    Camille #140:

    Thank you Camille …I appreciate the sweet comment 🙂

    warm hugs



  159.  #159Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 11:49 am

    Wildflower depending on where your next conversation goes with him, I am thinking that

    “i felt annoyed about it…and i expressed that it doesn’t feel good, but that i find it very attractive being approached directly with “i want to see u this Sat…can i take u out x, y, z?” something like that turns me on” from DE’s comments above could be helpful for you, if you tweak it to fit the situation.



  160.  #160Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 11:58 am

    BWings that teasing is something guys do between themselves to bond. In the long term though it could become one of those guy quirks that was initially cute and endearing that becomes annoying. I see what you said about it and it is great that you have a positive frame around it. At the same time I would really pay attention to my body whenever it comes up to see if it produces any tension that I might not have noticed before. It could help you to “consciously” relax around the teasing even more. That teasing could be him just being himself. If it is then I believe it is great that he feels comfortable enough to share that part of himself with you without being worried about it triggering you negatively.



  161.  #161Wildflower on August 26, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    FW–thanks as always for your insights and support! We have free counseling where I work and I was thinking of going to the person to work on learning positive thinking. I know Rori has a lot of tools too. I don’t know if this is the message with this guy or not. I’ve kind of backed off thinking about it. Hoping it will hit me…but who knows maybe it won’t and that’s ok too. Regardless I know with men I have strong feelings for I fear eventually they are going to leave. I guess that’s why I gravitate towards “safe” guys that I don’t really feel very attracted to. But I want to heal that.

    Ok off to get a pedicure and to another pole class later tonight 🙂



  162.  #162DE on August 26, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    I want to share somehting i learned about a statement

    “what are u plans, what are u doing today, tonite.etc..” that felt bad to me and closed me off to a man…

    I simply asked T…”What does it mean to u when u ask me “what are u plans, …etc?”

    He answered without hesitation…”i want to spent time with you…”

    At which, i answered…

    “wow…i feel soo touched…:) pause…
    can i share something though that’s been bugging me?
    i feel a bit annoyed by the question…:( however, it would feel sooo attractive to me if I am addressed directly…”i want to spend time with u…are u free, or i want to take u out…etc…”

    it felt as if a weight was taken off his shoulders…he looked at me all smiles, flirtatious…pulling my chair close to him, grabbing my hips…and said sooo adorably and manly “so…it’s okay to say…i want u …like right now…right? :)”

    of course, i just melted…:)



  163.  #163Wildflower on August 26, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    T-Girl–if you haven’t figured my opinion out already from my other posts (i’m sure you have) I say go for it! I’m with you. NEVER would have considered pole dancing a year ago.



  164.  #164Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    RE 97 Bwings I am wondering if it is because of the energy you used when you expressed that desire? I am guessing that you must have just said it in the spur of the moment, no thought to using any strategy to getting it from him and he might have felt your pure passion around being excited about the concert. I can’t imagine anything more authentic, all focussed on what you want rather than getting something from him. Really inspiring.



  165.  #165Wildflower on August 26, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    DE that is beautiful. I felt happy reading that. I appreciate you sharing your conversations so openly. They really help me!



  166.  #166DE on August 26, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    Aww…thank you Wildflower 🙂 I feel very happy to be of help 🙂

    And by the way, the lap-dance…wow…i feel soo inspired to try it too…and pole dance right? does the class include both?

    warm hugs,



  167.  #167Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    RE 162 DE I feel really warm reading that. Thanks for sharing, really inspiring.



  168.  #168DE on August 26, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    Femininewoman #167:

    I feel very happy to hear that FW 🙂 I really appreciate u…just so u know 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  169.  #169Wildflower on August 26, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    DE–Thanks DE 🙂 They are seperate classes. I’m really lucky because the studio offers lots of pole classes but in addition this exotic dancer teaches a sexy dance class one time per week so I try to take advantage as often as possible.



  170.  #170DE on August 26, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    Wildflower #169:

    Hmm…what a great opportunity…sure not to miss 🙂

    That’s on my to do list too before i hit 40s…one more year 🙂

    warm hugs,



  171.  #171Susan on August 26, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    RE: 162: DE

    Fantastic!



  172.  #172DE on August 26, 2011 at 12:29 pm

    Susan #171:

    he, he…thank u 🙂

    It feels good to notice your presence and wisdom more and more on the blog lately 🙂

    warm hugs,



  173.  #173DE on August 26, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    Wildflower:

    i read u posts above…feeling anxious, worried, frustrated from not hearing from HM #126…

    the “I don’t wants”…hmm…some other Sirens may disagree with me…and i am not certain how Rori is advising the appropriate use of it…at all times…

    For me…there are good times to use them…and not so good time to use it…

    I don’t want – i use when i want to establish/state a boundary for myself first…and with someone else…
    It works great when the other person is already invested in you and the relationship…

    however, in the first stage, i don’t use “i don’t wants”..and rarely, i use “i don’t like”

    instead, i work on always expressing what feels good to me…or what doesn’t feel good…

    i love this
    it feels great
    i feel melty

    hmm, i feel weird
    i feel cautious
    i feel confused
    i feel uncomfortable…

    anyway, it takes some time…the vibe and tone with which we address …is very important…it must be congruent to what we are saying…

    i think u are doing the right thing…getting other dates lined up…i find it very rewarding for myself to express my frustrations/worries on here…during/after i work through my feelings…and manifest a better outcome…

    warm hugs,



  174.  #174Susan on August 26, 2011 at 12:48 pm

    RE: 172: DE

    What a nice thing to say! Thank you!

    I like it when the sirens post useful phrases they have used. It is so very helpful!



  175.  #175Senior Lady Vibe on August 26, 2011 at 12:52 pm

    @162: DE says:
    “…I want to share somehting i learned…
    …’what are u plans, what are u doing today, tonite.etc..’ that felt bad to me and closed me off to a man…
    I simply asked T…’What does it mean to u when u ask me “what are u plans, …etc?…”

    Oh, DE, I like that. I like it!!! I’m “borrowing it.” It sounds like me too.. 😉

    😀
    xoxo



  176.  #176Ella on August 26, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    Loneplum,

    I am not really sure what to say about your long post to me.

    I feel a bit numb.

    I do feel a little unsafe and nervous actually now I am noticing as I am typing.

    The reason I addressed my post to you saying how I feel when I read your posts is the same reason I express to any Siren. Your post made me feel something, this is a public forum and we are encouraged to express how we feel about each others’s posts. To practice. Being triggered, noticing our feelings, expressing them in non judgemental ways.

    Just like in real life.

    I feel sad and weird that you ‘try to stay away from me’ and I feel bad about what feels like judgement about me behind your words like when you say things like ‘one day I might get it’ and stuff about how healthy men would stay away from me. And the stuff about how you think other Sirens try to avoid interacting with me. That feels awful and I feel sad.

    And how you seem to imply that I won’t understand things so you will give me a simpler example. I feel defensive.

    That all that feels pretty TERRIBLE if I am honest!

    And I feel like shutting down, or becoming all smart arse and sarcastic and making some cutting comments. And I won’t.

    I feel like laughing at what I percieve as pettiness or some other issues or whatever, I don’t know. I do feel kinda judgemental now.

    And I feel really cross, like white fury in my chest. I feel CROSS.

    I just feel hella angry.

    I feel alone and unwanted and judged.

    Like who is this person who thinks she ‘gets it’ so much more than me. Like who made you g8d and in charge of saying if I ‘get it’ or not. I will look after that.

    You comment on other people’s posts uninvited… we all do.

    I feel singled out and awkward.

    Sad, confused and angry.

    I feel tight hearted.

    A bit paranoid… like maybe she is right and other Sirens don’t like me and try to avoid answering my posts…

    No, NO. That is an NV… it just happened to come from a person.

    OK, I know I can’t be everyone’s cup of tea and that is ok.

    However I don’t want to feel attacked and put down.

    I want to feel safe here.

    Ok, well I am finishing my post here.



  177.  #177Ella on August 26, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    SLV

    I meant to acknowledge your hello earlier… yesterday in fact!

    Hello.

    🙂



  178.  #178DE on August 26, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    Senior Lady Vibe:

    I feel soo glad to hear that 🙂

    warm hugs,



  179.  #179Ella on August 26, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    I feel safe and looked after seeing Rori’s post and knowing we are being watched over with love.



  180.  #180Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    Ella I feel like I love you. I love you being here and working on yourself. Everybody loves you. You can be everybody’s “cup a tea”.

    Just rest assured that misunderstandings happen in every relationship so no need to take anything personal. I know how you feel though after having been there myself.



  181.  #181Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    I also love Plum and want to know she feels safe here too and not ganged up on. We all express ourselves in different ways. I am happy for this space where we get to work on tweaking that.

    Love to all



  182.  #182DE on August 26, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    Femininewoman #181:

    I appreciate you for working hard on ensuring everyone is included and look for with care and attention…

    I can relate to making sure everyone is included…but with care and attention…not always a go for me…

    This is a great strength and quality that stands out for me when thinking of u 🙂

    I noticed lately quite a bit of mentioning “tweaking this, tweaking that”…I feel very curious (i want to avoid any assumptions)…what does it mean to you?

    warm hugs,



  183.  #183Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    RE 182 I am just thinking that we can learn from each other and use each others FMs, just that we have to be cognizant of the context. I remember FlowerChild’s guy kind of getting somewhat confused when she used the body/heart/emotions connections from someone else post and sensing that it might not have come across the way she meant it. It seemed he might have thought she was afraid of her own emotions because of the way it was used and might not trust herself. My reference to tweaking is to keep in mind that each situation might be different and we have to be clear about what we are actually feeling in the moment, though we might have a prepared script. Does that make sense?



  184.  #184Daria on August 26, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    yay i feel excited my godbrother is outta jail and my godsis says she talked to him and they had a good convo and he wants her to visit him (he wont visit where shes at because he thinks its dangerous area for him)

    she said she doesnt have money and i said he can probalby pay for it and she said thats what she was thinking

    sis is good at putting herself first with men i love that



  185.  #185DE on August 26, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    FW #183:

    Oh, yes, it does, thank you…

    I feel glad i asked…because i noticed feeling a bit resistant to the word tweaking in the context of everyone being accepted on the blog…

    it translated in my mind as making sure we don’t offend x or y…so, for that purpose we “should” use tweaking to communicate with each other here on the blog…

    thank you.

    warm hugs,



  186.  #186Emoticon on August 26, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    I am a weakling…. i txted my ex! Bad Emoticon 🙁 ….



  187.  #187Daria on August 26, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    she said my goddaughter was going nuts cuz she wanted to talk to her Nasha (me) and they didnt have a number

    so i talked to my godbaby and asked how she was feeling and asked some more

    🙂

    adn my godson i have been feeling distant from him and i feel scared a bit

    i want to feel close to him again so i will share how i feel when i am back if i feel that way again

    my godbabies are so awesome



  188.  #188Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    RE 185 I might have said that DE. Might have been feeling that way in the moment because I tend to want to see more and more people here. I believe Rori’s work here is so important.

    But I appreciate why it should not be done, especially if we remain conscious of working on triggers here so we can build our skills for difficult situations in life.



  189.  #189Daria on August 26, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    Emoticon – aww be gentle with yourself Goddess!

    you’re experimenting: one thing to notice.. triggered you to feel bad and judge and beat up on yourself

    and… its ok! i love your feelings… gentle gentle gentle is the way to heal and shift



  190.  #190Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    RE 186 Emoticon how old is that weakling 2 or 5 years old? More importantly, do you love that weakling? What is there that that weakling wants you to give to her?



  191.  #191Ella on August 26, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    Also Plum,

    I feel curious to know why you regularly seem to pick up the negative feelings/thoughts I express about what you say and never the positive?



  192.  #192Ella on August 26, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    Also Plum… I do not do ‘polite answers’ if I am not feeling polite.

    I do real because that is how we create true connection and intimacy.

    At least this was my understanding.

    And I don’t believe this sit would have closed long ago if we were all real and authentic and expressed our feelings, even the ugly ones.

    Urghh I feel FURIOUS.



  193.  #193Emoticon on August 26, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    @Daria and FW it actually took me a whole day to feel bad about it. I had no regrets about it until i sat and thought about it a minute ago. I asked myself “why did you do that?”

    I think that weakling is probably 2, she’s sad. She just got back to Baltimore, nostalgia took over and she started missing him again. She needs to go out in Baltimore and make some new friends so she doesnt get so lonely. She also wants me to give her some toys lol… a new cellphone and laptop, which i all planned to do this weekend but we’re expecting a hurricane so im not even sure how much I can do.



  194.  #194DE on August 26, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    Thank u FW…:)

    I pondered a bit around the “making sure everyone’s feelings are cared for…being respectful..etc..”

    It appears to me we both have had triggers around it…yet, opposite triggers…u seem to want ensure respect…and caring….and i resist to both…:)

    I shared about mine while riffing…around the issue of respect/caring of others…being imposed forcefully by my mom…

    I recall your childhood situation felt overwhelming to you as well…

    Reading about the negative vows we made in our childhood…in our 1st chakra…we either embrace the tribe views to be accepted by it (show loyalty) or reject it and vow to never be like them…

    well, i learned that with either one…we are still living our life according to our tribe. We can’t just be us, we have to be “not them”…

    Healing any vows at 1st chakra associated with limiting beliefs while tapping feels very powerful to me…

    i know all of us here on the blog have come a long way…to finally find “us”…and i feel confident we are all very close 🙂

    warm hugs,



  195.  #195Ella on August 26, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    I know we are very different in our styles.

    I imagine sometimes people could view me as brash or uncouth from my posts because I do just go ‘blah’ and let it all out.

    And that is my choice because I spent my life before being ‘nice’ and ‘good’ and ‘polite’.

    So for me going ‘blah’ on here and not making good is a massive part of my healing.

    And I want you to know it feels scary for me. I feel afraid of being judged.

    And I decided to love all of me, even the bits I, or others may judge as uncouth, uneducated etc…

    You would be suprised about how intelligent I can be… if you actually knew me… and I can also be incredibly dumb… and I choose to love it all.

    For me this place if not about being polite and in my head.

    I feel angry.

    Your posts feel like lots of thoughts from your head, to me anyway.

    I feel tired.

    I feel curious about who you are and why we trigger each other this way.



  196.  #196Emoticon on August 26, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    You know what else, I feel like getting a tongue piercing. and changing my haircut!



  197.  #197Tmizz on August 26, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    Tinque – Yes! I got your response from the other thread. You rock!! xox 🙂



  198.  #198Ella on August 26, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    Feminine Woman re 180,

    Awwww, thanks

    🙂

    That feels great.

    I am smiling.

    I hope you don’t mind me saying and you feel so much softer to me these days… in a good way.

    xoxox



  199.  #199Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    RE 194 Thanks for sharing that. Understood what you are saying.



  200.  #200Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 2:13 pm

    RE 198 I am learning Ella, I am learning.



  201.  #201Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    Emoticon I would investigate health hazards around tongue piercing before doing it.



  202.  #202Ella on August 26, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    Emoticon re 186

    Aww, don’t worry hon…

    As the others said… love your weakling, she is sweet.

    I often don’t feel badly about leaning forward immediately… I guess for me it is like an addict… when they first do the behaviour it doesn’t feel bad… relief even, only later when they reflect does it feel bad.

    What I am learning to is one lean forward does not a disaster make.

    If I can take a more neutral and balanced approach I tend to be healthier.

    It is the same with food, drinking etc…

    It is easy to panic and sink into feeling bad.

    And for me, as long as I am learning and not in denial, no need to fall into those bad feelings.

    So what you text him. Lucky him!

    Cus I bet he won’t get another one as you get out there in Baltimore and make more friends and CD etc..

    Hugs.

    xoxox



  203.  #203Tmizz on August 26, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    Thanks to all of you who said don’t write to him! That was exactly what I needed – whew!

    And I still haven’t written anything.

    But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel sad about not hearing from him. Or that I don’t get hopeful every time my phone buzzes… 🙁

    This a.m. I took my trace minerals – that helps balance out my hormone levels, it seems. And I’ve been concentrating on work and friendships.

    DE, I *loved* what you had to say, and your questions.

    “I feel a sense of urgency…something like u need him to make u feel better…

    What is the need behind? what are the feelings associated iwth it? him calling u…is not the real need…try to identify it…

    In your situation, I perceive a need for significance (need to feel special, worthy of attention) or connection (to feel loved and to love…)”

    Definitely! I do want to feel special. I do want to feel worthy. And I want lots and lots of attention! lol He of course gives me tons of attention when I am with him. And for all I know, he is thinking about me right now. I guess I just need to be patient and let things happen in their own time…

    “Melt into these feelings…don’t fight them by reaching out…bring your inner boy out and have him nurture and take care of u …”

    So great! This is essentially what I have been practicing the last 2 days. I love the idea of my “inner boy” taking care of me:-) I’ve never really heard it put like that, but it makes so much sense! We have this masculine energy – our masculine energy can take care of *us*! I love it. You’re a genius. 🙂

    Thank you for making my day, ladies – and for stopping me from doing something stupid!

    You are awesome!! xoxo



  204.  #204Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 2:19 pm

    About respect DE I have heard several coaches as well as survey stats saying that men universally want respect, appreciate as two of the three most important things to them. I have also seen Rori write about mutual respect. I believe I know where you are coming from and understand that in dating it is different than in marriage and committed relationships so for me the challenge is finding the balance. Also having spent most of my life jaded and attacking men, being disrespectful doesn’t feel normal to me. I have however been inspired to look at it from the perspective you had shared earlier, I just have not come to any clear path as yet so I am still trying to work it out for me.

    Thanks



  205.  #205DE on August 26, 2011 at 2:23 pm

    Tmizz #203:

    aww…i feel soo happy to have been of help 😉

    well, about being a genius…?! hmm…i admit, i have my moments, lol;

    yet, i feel hesitant to accept all the glory…the concepts have rubbed on me from listening to Rori and of course, Daria 🙂

    warm hugs,



  206.  #206Camille on August 26, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    For any of you who are worried that you messed up or made a mistake by leaning forward with someone you really like or love……….I have been leaning forward and messing up with the same guy for 9 years! I am proof that once you learn Rori’s tools and actively put them to use………even 9 years of negative patterns and mistakes can be erased!

    Just thought that might make some of you feel better.

    If these tools can begin to work for me they will work for anyone……….I guarantee it..



  207.  #207DE on August 26, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    FW: #204:

    I totally agree with you …and all the coaches…

    Men need to feel respected (which is actually a need for significance in a relationship)…and boy, I intend to create that in my life…with everyone…receive and give…

    The trigger for me here steams from let say…i know my statement is not disrespectful to me…yet, it is perceived disrespectful by others (which i feel powerless because i can’t control their feelings and no matter what i do, he/she might have a bad day…and i am screwed, lol)..

    also, the word disrespect seems often misused by people…when in fact they feel angry…they feel unheard, they feel disconnected….etc…

    i appreciate you willingness to explore the context and meaning of “disrespect” to me…

    warm hugs,



  208.  #208Emoticon on August 26, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    @ Ella Thank You. So kind and understanding.

    FW Re:201 I will too!!



  209.  #209DE on August 26, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    Camille #206:

    That’s wonderful 🙂

    I feel happy to hear…

    warm hugs,



  210.  #210DE on August 26, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    Ups, correction #207:

    meant to say…”to explore the context and meaning of “disrespect” …with me” …



  211.  #211Eliana on August 26, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    Wow. I feel inspired by reading these comments. This is my first post. I am a newbie here. I am committed to create a loving relationship and am inspired by Rori’s way of working.

    It feels like a brave new world. I hope to connect with many of you on a personal level. Hope give and to receive support.

    What has been your best way of connecting in this forum? Suggestions for a newbie like me?

    All the best, Eliana



  212.  #212Emoticon on August 26, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    when we go hurricane shopping today, I am going to make sure i do the 5 second eye contact with 3 guys. I would say 5 but I’m going to start myself easy, just because it friday, im feeling super tired, and this is only the first time I am actually going to try it. I’m sure it’s going to get addictive as soon as I start doing it because I am the type who just LOVES flirting. I am excited to do this. I need some CDs around here. If i do that with 3 im sure i give my number out to at least one guy 2day. 🙂



  213.  #213alias girl on August 26, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    #206 Camille i feel very YAE! reading your comment!!! 🙂



  214.  #214DE on August 26, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    Eliana:

    Welcome to the blog 🙂

    You are in the perfect spot…we interact mostly on the current thread/blog posted by Rori…

    U can post anything that minds u…whether sharing/questions/feedback…on this blog…till a new one comes up and we usually let each other know, or u can click on the top heading “have the relationship u want” to get u to the most current thread…

    Warm hugs,



  215.  #215Emoticon on August 26, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    I was 5 secs right? not 10?? lol 🙂

    I’m excited about the hurricane (i’m wrong, i know… but im from the Caribbean)

    I’m excited about meeting people in Baltimore.

    I’m just really excited right now.



  216.  #216Emoticon on August 26, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    I am brushing up on my French, so apart from french class and what not I am going to read my second favorite french book again starting tonight “L’Etranger” by Albert Camus. (My favorite being “Candide” by Voltaire!) So yes thats another reason I am excited.



  217.  #217DE on August 26, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    Emoticon:

    lol…yes, 5 is the magic number 🙂

    i feel smiley reading about u expressed excitement in the hurricane 🙂 i find it remarkable that u see it as an opportunity to meet people 🙂 awesome!!!

    warm hugs,



  218.  #218Queenbee on August 26, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    I loved all the posts about couches.

    I love reading about DE and her man – Happy Birthday DE!

    I love how Daria healed the dragon by wrapping its paw with her magic scarf.

    Yay! this feels good.

    I feel so tingly and melty and into myself – yay!! 🙂



  219.  #219FlowerChild77 on August 26, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    I don’t know where everyone lives, but I want to say that I am praying/meditating for everyone/anyone who lives in the area(s) where the hurricane is predicted. <3



  220.  #220Rori Raye on August 26, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    Ella – you are fabulous, and so is Plum – you are working together right here….to tweak you, too – see if you can rewrite any sentence in your posts that use the word “you” when referring to how you got triggered – see if you can make it ALL about you – you’re SO CLOSE!!!!! You feel very soft to me….and we are all facets of the same thing…so if you and plum are having at it – it’s what’s inside each of you showing up!! REJOICE!! One of you will be soft, then the other will be hard – and back and forth and so on until it gets figured out who’s expressing what of whose…Love, Rori



  221.  #221DE on August 26, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    Queenbee :

    Aww..thank u!

    Soo good to see u here today 🙂 I read u last posts (not sure if all) and you seem to be doing fantastic as well!!!

    warm hugs,



  222.  #222Tmizz on August 26, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    Btw, DE, I love your pic! 🙂



  223.  #223Ella on August 26, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    Re-writing / editing my posts @ Rori’s suggestion…

    Loneplum,

    I am not really sure what to say.

    I feel a bit numb.

    I do feel a little unsafe and nervous actually now I am noticing as I am typing.

    I felt something when I read some of your posts and I wanted to express how I felt. To practice. Being triggered, noticing my feelings, expressing them in non judgemental ways, as best as I can.

    Just like in real life.

    I feel sad and weird when I hear about people ‘trying to stay away from me’ and I feel bad and judged.

    I feel sad to hear about how healthy men would stay away from me, and I choose not to believe this. That feels awful and I would feel sad.

    I feel defensive about perceived implications that I will not understand.

    That all that feels pretty TERRIBLE to me atm.

    And I feel like shutting down, or becoming all smart arse and sarcastic and making some cutting comments. And I won’t.

    I feel like laughing at what I percieve as pettiness or some other issues or whatever, I don’t know. I do feel kinda judgemental now.

    And I feel really cross, like white fury in my chest. I feel CROSS.

    I just feel hella angry. And under that is fear… of not being good enough… NV – maybe I don’t get it, maybe that is true. And then angry again, like *I* will decide if I get it or not! Not anyone else. Rah.

    Raaaarh.

    I feel alone and unwanted and judged.

    I want to be able to comment on other people’s posts uninvited… I want to feel free to speak and safe.

    I feel singled out and awkward.

    Sad, confused and angry.

    I feel tight hearted.

    A bit paranoid… like maybe other Sirens don’t like me and try to avoid answering my posts…

    No, NO. That is an NV…

    OK,I feel fear… of being unloved… I know I can’t be everyone’s cup of tea and that is ok.

    However I don’t want to feel attacked and put down.

    I want to feel safe here.

    Ok, well I am finishing my post here.



  224.  #224DE on August 26, 2011 at 3:34 pm

    Something i thought worth sharing …

    During our dinner, we had conversations about various things…i don’t recall all details…how and what brought up the discussion…but at some point T shared with me that he seems to run into women who don’t want a relationship…they just want to date…

    I noticed how my feelings changed immediately…i felt turned off…:( then i recall asking myself..what am i missing with him? why other women reject him?…then, i felt my heart and opened it twds him…i felt compassion…not attraction…:(

    he then said something, that once they get to know him and see how nice he is…then, they want a relationship but he is turned off by then…

    in that moment i realized why i didn’t’ have the instant butterflies and too much interest in him early on…he was a steady, good guy…and i was not used to that…

    and here he was in front of me…finally, being able to appreciate someone making me feel good is a priority to him…and this time, i felt worthy…and i felt a deep attraction twds him…wow…:)



  225.  #225DE on August 26, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    Tmizz:

    aww..thanks…it’s not me 🙂 …i felt connected to Audrey…:)

    warm hugs,



  226.  #226Tmizz on August 26, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    Oh, I know it’s not you! I love her 🙂

    xo



  227.  #227T-Girl on August 26, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    Re the 5 second smile, I was listening to one of the speakers during the Love On Purpose Revolution and she suggested doing a 6 second smile. The easy way to time this is: in your head say “6 second smile, 6 second smile”. By the time you think the sentance twice you are done.



  228.  #228Queenbee on August 26, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    Thanks DE.

    Yum, Yum – so happy for you! 🙂

    Your posts are reminding me of LD when she met her man. I hope all works out for you exactly the way you want it.

    Warm hugs,



  229.  #229T-Girl on August 26, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    Where has Jilly been? I miss her. The last I read she was going to school for a career change and there was a new guy in her life and was going to give us details. 🙁



  230.  #230DE on August 26, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    Queenbee #228:

    wow…interesting now that u brought that up…hmm, will live and see 🙂

    thank u for the warm wishes 🙂

    warm hugs,



  231.  #231Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 4:17 pm

    Emoticon I am from the Caribbean too and am not sure I am excited about it because I live on Long Island. Not in the direct path but one just never knows. I experienced it in the Caribbean and many that diverted so I am praying for a diversion because I can’t even imagine a New Orleans repeat here in New York. Just yesterday a young colleague was saying he wanted it and I was telling him that he reminded me of my childhood when we used to say that and get the warnings from adults who experienced one in the 1940s. They ain’t pretty. I was out shopping back and forth and the lines are now horrendous.



  232.  #232Eliana on August 26, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    DE thanks for the warm welcome. I feel acknowledged and appreciated.

    This is lovely, after having just spent the last hour scrouring google for more information on the man I am interested in. Ooh. Embarrassed to write this, yet appreciative of myself for sharing it.

    Don’t know where it will lead. What I DO know, is I am coming out of the closest of holding back my own lovingness. That feels great.



  233.  #233Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 4:20 pm

    Hi Beautiful Eliana you are already connected. I spoke to a guy about cdating just this week and he was blown away by it. Said he has never heard of such a thing before but he is doing everything to come closer. Told me I am beautiful and that I make a man feels like he is in love. That is after he admitted that he has never been comfortable enough to put himself all out there to be vulnerable.



  234.  #234Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    RE 207 Yes yes yes. Just this week I was talking to a friend who was saying he is not taking it from his 23 year old daughter and like he is willing to write her off as a result. I tried to explain, unsuccessfully, that people have different meanings for the word and experience it differently. He couldn’t even explain why he was feeling disrespected and I couldn’t connect with him to open up so I could possibly share something for him to understand. Next time I have this kind of discussion with anyone I will try to use one of these descriptives to see if it will make a difference. Thanks.



  235.  #235Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    Thank you FlowerChild I really appreciate the prayers. I believe Tinque lives in NJ so my thoughts and prayers are with her too. I am praying there is no power outage for anyone.



  236.  #236Ella on August 26, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    I got the moves like Jagger, moves like Jagger, mooooooooves!

    🙂

    And I have a shopping date with new CD tomorrow.

    Feel a lil nervous. And looking forward to it, and not all at the same time.

    I don’t want a date to be the whole focus of my day.

    I feel afraid of not enjoying my day as much after and I feel worried about my tendancy to want ‘instant relationships’ with men I like.

    I don’t want to force anything.

    And I also feel worried about feeling disappointed with the date.

    Heck Ella remember it is NOTHING but practice.

    It is practice, it is practice, it is practice.

    A lovely chance to practice.

    Thank you for my chance to practice.

    I am going to practice staying in the moment and noticing how I feel.

    Yay for me.

    But first Zumba class.

    That is after a cosy sleep mind 🙂

    Oh, and I have just given myself lovely pink nails which always makes me feel good.

    Winding down for sleep now Sirens.

    Night. xxx



  237.  #237Ella on August 26, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    Re 203

    Yes Tmizz and DE.

    DE – you have helped me with this before too… when I am feeling that ‘need’ that we think is the need for a man to call us and DE has encouraged me to look at my real feelings and needs and address those.

    Love it!

    And Daria – Your posts last night have inspired me to love my body again.

    All of it, just how it is, because I am all that.

    I am a woman and I am part of nature and I am soft and I am the air he needs to breath and my heart is the melting pool he longs to dive into.

    And my body is the body of a Goddess, Diva Siren.

    Thank you lovely Sirens.

    I love you all.

    Really am going to bed now before I ge carried away on my feelings.

    xoxox



  238.  #238Emoticon on August 26, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    FW what island are u from?



  239.  #239Daria on August 26, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    AH i feel guilty and sad because i was having video sex with one of my cd’s and i got naked and i felt uncomfortable seeing my body on video

    it was not ‘looking sexy’ to me even though he said so and i said i feel exposed and put my shirt on

    right on to me for doing what i wanted to feel good thoiugh

    actually that is probably healing

    i dont have to feel More exposed than i feel comfortable

    and yet i did get naked

    and i can practice loving my body more

    babysteps!

    yay me i love me



  240.  #240Butterfly Wings on August 26, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    160: Femininewoman – Teasing is definitely his way because when he had feelings for the “other woman” he used to tease her too. It’s just his way. He doesn’t do that with her anymore, and in fact rarely even speaks to her unless he has to for work (we all work together).

    And to be honest, I find it fun because there’s no malice behind it at all. We hop in the car and I end up laughing most of the way home, partly because of his bad singing and partly because of the other silly things he does/says. It certainly makes the trip less boring! 😀

    164: Femininewoman – Exactly right FW! I was really just expressing how I felt at the time and they were one of my favourite bands too, so it just came out with no ulterior motive behind it. 🙂 And he is the type of man who LOVES to do things for me – he really does, and without even realising it, I gave him the perfect opportunity! I feel so smiley as I think about it! 🙂 🙂 🙂

    ____

    I want to do pole dancing now! You gals are inspiring me!

    Actually, a little while back, I was a freelance writer and I was asked by a client to write a heap of articles on pole dancing and I learned a LOT about how great it is for fun and fitness! My client eventually offered to sell me a pole wholesale (darn it – I didn’t take him up on it!), and then pointed me to another website offering stripping services..,. and there he was, in all his glory, dressed as a topless fireman! Aaaaaahhhhh! 😀 I emailed my mother the link to the website in question and said “I bet you don’t have any clients that look like THIS!!!!!!”. Hehe!
    ____

    196: Emoticon – if you get that tongue piercing done, please tell us what it was like! I’ve always been intrigued about how much that would hurt! 😛

    I’ve got my bellybutton pierced and it didn’t really hurt, but the skin is really thin there… so a tongue is a lot thicker which is why I wonder… eek!

    224: DE – Wow DE! I’m liking what I read here and love how you’ve become so aware of yourself and how far you have come! He sounds like a keeper! 🙂



  241.  #241Butterfly Wings on August 26, 2011 at 5:32 pm

    TH is working today so if I see him at all, it will be tonight and I’m guessing he’ll stay over like he usually does on a weekend these days. It feels nice being able to assume he’ll just be there. There’s no more uncertainty like there was before. I just know he wants to be here with me!

    In half an hour or so my ex is coming over and I get to chop down trees with him – all so we can make our swimming pool “compliant” so it can be sold… sigh….

    He’s a good guy though and we get along well although I’d rather a day in bed reading and listening to the rain! Oh well… I can always go back to bed when he leaves. It shouldn’t take too long to chop down 4 trees with a chainsaw should it??



  242.  #242Wildflower on August 26, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    RE 173: Thank you DE. I feel so appreciative that you took the time to write out examples for me. I really admire how soft and loving you sound when you communicate–but you get your point across.

    So let me try to reword what I texted HM one time. Rather than “I don’t want texts” (or whatever I said I forget) you might say something like, “I really appreciate your text but I especially like when you call me. When we’re canceling or changing plans texts feel yucky and impersonal. Hearing your voice feels reassuring and warm..” or something like that?



  243.  #243DE on August 26, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    Wildflower:

    Great, it feels good to be of help 🙂

    The message sounds so much softer…i like it…:) i am not a big fan of the word “yucky” …it feels a bit high school to me 🙁 …okay, okay, sometimes i used it when i get into my “girly” girl mode…;) and he is in front of me…

    So, here is some other suggestions to use at different times if u may feel inspired 🙂

    “Hi HM, i want to talk to you about something that feels a bit heavy on my heart…:(

    okay, what is that?

    “well, i want you to know I feel very happy to hear from you whether txt or calls…
    yet, i noticed feeling sad/and sometimes a bit upset when i get a text about a cancellation…it would feel so much better to hear your voice instead…what do you think?”

    warm hugs,



  244.  #244English Woman on August 26, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    Copied from the last blog where I posted in haste today:

    Hi Ladies

    Thanks for all the success stories and I wish you all the very best.

    Esteemed, wow sooo happy to hear you start work very soon, but sad about the loss of your home, could you negotiate with your current landlords now they know you have a job and will be on the move soon or do you have to move to another city nearer to your job?

    SLV – some really good stuff there, will check it out next time I am “bored”

    Plum, I replied to you this morning……….

    It’s Friday lunch time here and we have a bank holiday on Monday, so a nice 3 day break coming up for moi. I am off to visit my family for 3 days so will be doing some girlie stuff with my sisters.



  245.  #245Queenbee on August 26, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    I’m eating chocolate that has a hole in the centre but nothing in it. What a weird concept. At first, I thought there was some mistake, so I ate another. And after 3:), it’s pretty clear – there’s no mistake :).

    Feels all melty and creamy in my mouth.

    I would much prefer dark chocolate with cherry cordial in the centre – yum 🙂

    I find myself wondering how chocolate is made. Do they just mix it all up and let it cool? Surely they don’t bake it??

    I’m expanding my talents everyday.

    Welcome Eliana 🙂 Great to have you on Siren Island!



  246.  #246DE on August 26, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    Eliana:

    Wow, a beautiful and inspiring practice you have 🙂

    I feel glad to have you here on the blog…i feel certain you have a lot of wisdom to share 🙂

    warm hugs,



  247.  #247Butterfly Wings on August 26, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    Ex hubby just arrived carrying a chainsaw…! Lol Better go help him!



  248.  #248Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    RE 238 Jamaica



  249.  #249Jaspen on August 26, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    Hi everybody,

    I have a quick question. What’s your consensus: You’re exchanging emails with a guy on an online dating site, and this has been going on for a while (say, more than five emails). At some point do you write something like, “I feel glad to be getting to know you and I’m feeling a little frustrated because emails and phone calls are so limiting” (which is a pretty obvious nudge for them to ask you out); or do you just back off corresponding some and see if they man up & initiate an in-person meeting?



  250.  #250Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    Jaspen you can tell him emailing is tiring and boring if that is how you feel. Has it been weeks?



  251.  #251Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    Also it is your phone. You don’t have to answer it. I would not encourage you to nugde him though if that is what you want from him. Just tell him how you feel with the phone calls and emails and maybe how it would feel to see him.



  252.  #252Femininewoman on August 26, 2011 at 7:40 pm

    Some communication advice from another coach

    Later on, though, as your conversations get deeper and more intimate, it’s a good idea to show your approval of the deeper things, too.

    For instance, if he’s an entrepreneur — “Hello, hard worker!”

    If he’s a fireman, policeman, or paramedic — “Hi, hero!”

    If he’s into community service — “I love how you spend so much of your time helping others. It’s so noble.”

    When your compliments move from the physical to the more emotional, it means that your relationship is maturing nicely.

    It also means things are going right, and if you keep saying the right words,your relationship can develop into something that will last a lifetime!



  253.  #253Jaspen on August 26, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    Hi FeminineWoman,

    Thanks for your feedback!

    Okay, so it does sound like you’re saying to go ahead & say how the emailing feels, and yes it’s been about a week, even though it feels like a nudge to me.

    It’s hard to know which is the healthiest priority – to say what’s going on inside or to let go & let whatever he’s going to let happen (or lack thereof) take place.

    Any other feedback to this query is truly welcome.

    ~ Jaspen



  254.  #254Jaspen on August 26, 2011 at 8:25 pm

    Hmm….or maybe something like, “I feel a little drained when I email more than a few times. What do you think about that?”. That might be more the way to go, as it points to my feelings with less implication. Whaddaya think, anyone?

    Thanks Again,
    ~ Jaspen



  255.  #255Emoticon on August 26, 2011 at 9:13 pm

    @FW
    oh ok im from St.Lucia



  256.  #256Emerson on August 26, 2011 at 9:25 pm

    Gah I am so behind on the blog…I don’t have wifi atm and having to scrounge to catch up…blech well anyway sirens it seems like we have a great new post up…lots to ponder on, and my eyes popped out of my head when I read the part about her mom telling her not to rely on a man for money, EVER, because my mom told me the exact same thing, literally word for word 😯



  257.  #257Starla on August 26, 2011 at 9:32 pm

    I just talked to My Guy after he tried unsuccessfully for a couple weeks to talk to me. I had to tell him that I wasn’t going to pursue anything with him anymore.

    It took like an hour. He felt like he was getting ddumped….but he already dumped me! so what’s up with that?

    Anyway….I wanted it to go perfect but of course it didn’t. sigh.



  258.  #258Emerson on August 26, 2011 at 9:33 pm

    Aw man I am feeling a bit disappointed in myself for leaning forward with recycled cd…I should have just left things alone but I didn’t.

    I sent him a text saying I still feel open to seeing him this week. He called me back right away and made plans for Saturday, saying he’d call me Friday night.

    Well now it’s late and he has not called, so I called him. No answer, and I did not leave a message. I am so irritated with myself and with him.

    I am feeling icky now and I don’t want to even care about anything to do with him. I feel so crappy for leaning forward.



  259.  #259Starla on August 26, 2011 at 9:42 pm

    Emerson, it’s ok:) now u know how u feel about it.



  260.  #260Jaspen on August 26, 2011 at 9:48 pm

    Emerson – But you didn’t leave a message just now. This sounds like a good thing.



  261.  #261Senior Lady Vibe on August 26, 2011 at 9:50 pm

    I am on the East Coast. I learned about hurricane a few minutes ago when I turned on the tv. I have only watched tv a handful of times this year. I get news mostly by word of mouth and Internet but I’ve not been online news much this week due to lack of signal.

    I’m wondering if I should go outside now to prepare for the hurricane. Everyone forgot about me today, EVERYBODY!!! and didn’t bother to see if I’m OK or say anything about hurricane. Worrying about themselves, I guess. I didn’t/don’t know much about hurricane.

    I feel like that “Pretty in Pink” girl… if that is an FM… totally forgotten.

    I do have two cans of food, one of white Italian beans and also a can of vegetarian chili but no water. Even if I don’t get more, I doubt I would starve to death in three days. Isn’t it supposed to be over by Sunday night? Or maybe the starvation comes in the aftermath of no food available due to lack of truck transport. That seems more likely.

    I hear on tv news public transportation will be suspended tomorrow at noon.

    Tonight is first night in a week I didn’t take pain medication, fingers crossed since 4:00 p.m. but I can touch face and it doesn’t hurt so that is a good sign. One thing about the swelling was kind of neat, that side of my face looked very…. smooth but head was lopsided… 😆 I guess I can’t have everything!!!

    I am wondering if power will go out. I don’t have any candles (except for a pack of birthday ones… forgot where I put them… ) I have a few flashlights but no batteries.

    I have trees outside my window and I have an image of me clinging to them while my body is horizontally flying into the wind.

    I should have had a big clue when I went to neighborhood supermarket to pick up lunch and it was packed in the middle of the day!!!! I supposed people were picking up things before hurricane strikes.

    It’s not quite 1:00 a.m. not sure if all night store is open tonight. Does anybody have any ideas for emergency supplies? This is one thing I’m not prepared for. I have a survival manual in closet somewhere. I’ll consult it soon for next time but I’d like some ideas for tonight and tomorrow morning if stores are open.

    Thanks.

    I think I will survive and this will be an opportunity to learn and grow. But if not and I’m dead in few days, i won’t know it anyway.

    xoxo

    I usually know what to do… about everything but… not this. The idea of eating canned food cold doesn’t appeal but it might be delicious if there is nothing else and no restaurants. I’m a city girl so it’s hard to think of surviving without delis and restaurants.

    I must work this out for later if I’m alive for later…



  262.  #262Jaspen on August 26, 2011 at 9:50 pm

    Sometimes it’s a fine balance between “doing” something in order to take care of ourselves, and letting go and nurturing ourselves & being with our own feelings to work through them, IMHO



  263.  #263Jaspen on August 26, 2011 at 9:56 pm

    Senior Lady – I would call your closest stores & see if they would be willing to hold a few items for you, batteries for flashlight, water etc. Also put some water in your bathtub & keep it there in case you need it for cleaning, and turn your freezer & fridge to their coldest settings. My folks are in NY, on the island & they’re not too worried about it, but it’s still important to take precautions ~



  264.  #264Esteemed on August 26, 2011 at 9:58 pm

    Jaspen,

    RE: #262 – My therapist encourages me to keep busy during the day, to be productive, and then allow myself only one hour a day to ruminate, be with my feelings, etc. Prior to that, I was nurturing myself pretty much of the time, just not functioning.

    If I am coming in on a conversation and missing the gist of it, please excuse me. I believe one of the most valuable uses of my time is to simply think…and feel.



  265.  #265Jaspen on August 26, 2011 at 10:03 pm

    Thanks, Esteemed, I’m happy to hear your comment!

    Would you, and anyone else, be willing to share your feedback about my posts # 249, 253, &254? I’m very new w/Rori’s programs, an I can use all the help I can get 🙂

    Many Thanks ~



  266.  #266Esteemed on August 26, 2011 at 10:04 pm

    SLV,

    RE: #261 – I heard the shelves were bare on stuff like water and bananas! I wouldn’t be too worried. I think it will blow over in 24 hours.

    My dog is playing with her monkey that calls like a monkey to get my attention, because she wants to go outside.

    I just got back from one of my two weekly dinner parties at someone’s house from church. What an IDEAL way to get to know men! No pressure, casual, organic!! No, there’s no one there I want to date, but it still feels nice to practice my Siren skills on all these men! Especially the 28 year old who is drop dead gorgeous and sings beautifully! LOL! He told me he’s recording his first solo CD next month. He said some of his songs don’t have lyrics. I offered him some of my poems to put to music, and he’s interested! We had a nice conversation. I feasted my eyes on his hunky good looks! LOL!



  267.  #267Esteemed on August 26, 2011 at 10:08 pm

    Jaspen,

    RE: #249 – You’re welcome! Yes, use a feeling message like that. Here’s another feeling message idea for you to take the best of what you like:

    I enjoy getting to know you, and I feel a little confused. I’d love to meet you, but I feel unsure if you are interested, since you haven’t asked me out yet…do you just want to let this go?

    I may not have the wording just right, but I got this idea from Rori, and I used it with success! He said, “No, no, I very much want to meet you. I’ve just been busy, etc.” Shortly thereafter, we met.



  268.  #268Esteemed on August 26, 2011 at 10:09 pm

    Jaspen,

    Another one is:

    I’m really not looking for an email-only relationship. It would feel so nice to meet you face-to-face! What do you think?



  269.  #269Esteemed on August 26, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    One observation I’ve made is that boys have penises.



  270.  #270Jaspen on August 26, 2011 at 10:24 pm

    Thank you, Esteemed, yes, that sounds very direct. I think I would feel bad leaning too far forward though. Perhaps if he had already asked me out & then dropped it, then it might feel okay to ask him. Hmmm…….



  271.  #271Jaspen on August 26, 2011 at 10:26 pm

    I do like the idea of, “I’m not looking for an email only relationship. What are your thoughts about that?”. I’d feel good about saying that ~



  272.  #272Esteemed on August 26, 2011 at 10:30 pm

    I copied this off the blog a while back…I didn’t write it…I thot it was worth posting again!

    This is profound! Written by “Aspiring Siren”:

    Aspiring Siren

    disappointment, heartbreak, sadness …
    who’s handling this one?
    A thousand voices yelling “I want a turn!”
    Who’s the loudest?
    the girl in the corner whose name I don’t know
    the tomboy, the queen, the clown or the geek?
    the girl in the dress looking so sweet
    i am! i am! says the only one to speak
    i’m always the loudest, she says with a grin
    that’s right it’s me …. and i win again
    who do you all think you are?
    no one wants you!
    i speak from the head and don’t feel from the heart
    i spew words of anger in defense of you all
    mistake after mistake… give it up! he’s not going to call
    you’re clingy
    you’re needy
    you’re nervous at best
    i let you try and look at this mess
    living with you all is such a curse
    move over now before you make it worse
    i’ll point fingers and blame them for making you sad
    don’t look at me like that! i’m not so bad!
    i’ve gotten you this far…
    through breakups and heartaches
    through ups and through downs
    i didn’t even laugh when you gained a few pounds!
    i protect you from harm. i look fear in the eye.
    i get stronger and stronger and none of you question why?
    i bully my way to get what you want
    guess i’ll keeping doing what i do until you wise up
    you’re under my control, you’ll never be free
    unless any of you think you deserve better than me?
    the room went silent
    all heads hung low
    no one stepped up
    what another blow
    then all of a sudden appeared the brightest of lights
    a goddess, an angel
    a beautiful thought in perfect flight
    She stepped up to the i and looked her square in the face
    We all deserve better. Even you deserve grace
    We all deserve kindness and care taken here
    We’ve been through the ringer, enough of instilling your fear
    She turned away from the i and gathered them close
    You’ve been picked to help, it’s you she needs most
    the funny, the broken, the hopeless, the crying
    You, come out from the corner. You can quit your hiding
    Stop.
    Relax.
    Deep breath.
    I’m here for you now
    Here all along, you just missed me somehow.
    She hugged them and kissed them and dried all their tears
    And told them some things they’d needed to hear

    Look at the one that’s been bruised to the bone
    The one that now stands there all alone
    She’s been laughed at and ridiculed for some of her calls
    But the i that’s the loudest needs the most love of all
    She’s tried what she’s known to keep you all out of harm’s way
    Don’t fear her, respect her, and start loving her today

    You’ve spent so much of your time living in fear
    Go to her now and dry her tears
    Invite her in, tell her she doesn’t have to work so hard
    Be grateful she’s helped you all get this far

    They looked at her there standing all alone
    With tears in her eyes and bruised to the bone
    We love you they said and are thankful for you
    But what you think of us all is very untrue

    We’re all parts of one
    We’re not useless or bores
    It’s feelings we follow
    That are some how ignored

    Please listen up close when we’re in a bind
    We give out our hints all the time
    Blaming in anger is often times fear
    Pick your words carefully … we want to be clear

    We want boundaries to live by, not lines in the sand
    Receiving respect from every good man

    The truth that we seek is with all of us now
    It’s been there forever just misplaced somehow
    The future looks bright, every moment a surprise
    Go ahead now, Give it a try

    I took a moment and felt suddenly free
    My blinders are off I am starting to see

    I’ve ignored you
    I’ve belittled you
    I’ve made you feel bad
    Now it’s I that feels very sad
    I know I’ve been unkind to myself most of all
    Forgive me please… it’s my greatest downfall.

    I’m beginning to understand that loving all of me first
    Is the key to a life that is not so cursed
    A truck for the tomboy, a crown for the queen…
    I promise you all next time I won’t be so mean.



  273.  #273Jaspen on August 26, 2011 at 10:32 pm

    The reason why I like that is because it opens the topic up either for him to step forward & ask me out, or step back & stop emailing. And that’s what I want: for HIM to make that decision. Step up or step out, I say 🙂



  274.  #274Esteemed on August 26, 2011 at 10:33 pm

    Jaspen,

    Yeah, when I get suggestions for feeling messages, I usually go with what feels like “me”, since this is all about finding MY true voice! Or I will tweak them to sound like me.

    Then once in a while I step out of my comfort zone and use a feeling message that feels really foreign…and I get to practice and experience shifting my vibe and feeling in a broadened spot in my comfort zone! Out of the cage! LOL!



  275.  #275Jaspen on August 26, 2011 at 10:37 pm

    Wow! That’s some amazing prose! Wow!!



  276.  #276Esteemed on August 26, 2011 at 10:41 pm

    Jaspen,

    RE: #273 – Sounds good!



  277.  #277Jaspen on August 26, 2011 at 10:42 pm

    Okay, all, I’m signing off for now. Will check back in soon!
    Stay safe out there ~



  278.  #278Esteemed on August 26, 2011 at 11:36 pm

    I decided to air some more of my embarrassing dialogue with R. I am most definitely experimenting with feeling messages, and sometimes with good results, sometimes bad.

    I told you I’ve been seeing R again the past 3 weeks after 1.5 years of not seeing him at all. We’ve gone out about 5 times. He stated very positively, “I intend to return to church.” So I’ve been waiting for him to show up at one of the meetings, and so far he hasn’t.

    My frustration came to a head on Wednesday. We were on the phone about something unrelated, and the dinner party and prayer meeting were about to start in an hour. I casually asked, “Are you coming to tonight?”

    “I don’t know.”

    “I feel frustrated when I can’t make plans with you.”

    He didn’t show up, and a couple hours later, I texted him…

    E: I feel a lil weird. I hope you don’t think I’m trying to pressure you. What do you think?

    R: It should be simple in a simple friendship (we have agreed on a platonic friendship while he is healing from schizophrenia. He doesn’t feel in a good place to date romantically).

    E: Good, I agree. That’s the way I like it…and a simple yes or no feels more simple when I wonder if you are coming tonight.

    E: I’ve simply felt excited about you returning to church…I wonder if it’s a little intimidating to return after all that time.

    R: No, it doesn’t bother me.

    E: Good, I’m glad. I’m on your side, R. I just want God’s best for you.

    I said some more here, too, to encourage him, things I feel are too personal to include here. About an hour later, I texted him again…

    E: I feel bad when I don’t hear a response.

    R: I didn’t think I had to respond.

    E: You don’t have to do anything. I just feel a lil uncomfortable wondering what you think of what I wrote. It tends to leave me feeling a little shut down, so that I’m not left feeling vulnerable.

    R: OK

    E: It feels like a wall.

    R: Sorry

    E: NP. I feel so good when communication lines are open.

    R: Yep

    E: I feel bored talking to walls.

    E: …and frustrated.

    R: That stinks

    E: LOL

    E: Is it that you don’t get it or you just enjoy being a wall? 🙂

    R: I guess I’m just not trying that hard.

    E: I guess I’m trying too hard.

    R: I think so

    E: I’m just used to easy, free-flowing conversation like I have with all my other friends.

    R: Well I have troubles perhaps most of your other friends don’t have.

    E: This is true, fair enuff. I feel sad, because I’ve never met anyone so mistrustful. Sometimes I’m not sure the best way to relate to you.

    R: I’m not mistrustful.

    R: That’s part of your delusion

    E: I feel reserved-but-happy to hear that. If you’re not mistrustful, then why are there so many walls?

    R: What walls are you talking about?

    E: Oh, I don’t know how to answer that. I don’t wanna come across as accusing or blaming. I just feel shut out at many, many junctures.

    R: Maybe I don’t want to be that close.

    E: There are healthy boundaries…then there are 12 foot thick walls with barbed wire across the top and electric fences. 🙁

    R: I don’t know what you are talking about.

    E: I think healthy boundaries are walls…with defined doors and windows.

    R: Ok

    E: In general, what I mean is you seem to have a “me against the world” outlook. I like to have an “US against the world” outlook with my friends. 🙂

    R: Oh, that’s cool

    E: 😎

    R: Do I have to reply to every text you give me?

    E: No

    E: I just won’t text you.

    I fell asleep for about 2 hours, and when I woke up at 2 am, I was still hanging on like a bull dog that wouldn’t let go until her prey was dead!

    E: Prickly porcupine

    E: I forgot, this is all about you, and you don’t give a shit about my feelings.

    R: I guess a simple friendship isn’t working.

    E: Grow up. Every healthy relationship has disagreements. Like you said, you’re not trying. So it’s not a simple relationship that’s not working (my implication was that it was him who was not working).

    E: When you don’t try to get along with someone, you don’t get along with them.

    E: Yes, I AM trying…I’m bending over backwards to get along with you. And everyone tells me I’m easy to get along with.

    E: As long as I don’t initiate contacting you, we get along fine. I’ll just stop initiation…or try to. Like I said the other night, you want to be in control of any relationship. Your policy is “don’t call me – I’ll call you.” I hate being in conflict, and walking away from a conversation with it in conflict. I feel horrible. I want to fix it, but I know I can’t. Only you can fix it…but in case you care, I feel horrible.

    E: My other friendships are carefree.

    E: I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around you. Please iron this out with me.

    R: Ok

    E: I’m sorry I said grow up. I was feeling frustrated.

    R: What do you want to iron out?

    E: I just don’t want to go to bed feeling like I’m hugging a prickly porcupine. 🙂

    E: I just wish that I felt consistently connected and open with you. I feel like sometimes it’s okay for me to be friendly, and sometimes you don’t want me to be friendly. That makes me feel sad.

    R: I can’t give you continual connection.

    E: I don’t think that’s what I’m asking for. I just like warmth.

    R: Anyway, I don’t want to give you continual connection, I’m not your boyfriend.

    E: Oh please…

    E: Can we move on from that already??

    E: I view this as a spiritual friendship. P E R I O D. That doesn’t mean you have to act prickly. 🙂 Relaaaaaaaaax!

    E: Hello?

    R: Yea

    E: Oh well, I tried

    E: Just be nice.

    E: Damn I hate feeling like this

    E: Walls

    E: I never imagined anyone could make friendship so complex.

    E: Please don’t leave on a negative note!!

    R: What do you want?

    E: It would feel so good if you would say something, like we’ll get a fresh start tomorrow.

    R: Why do you want to be friends with me so bad?

    E: I feel like screaming and swearing at you. I feel like telling you I don’t wanna be your friend. But the truth is I like to get along with people. The truth is I value your friendship. I feel horrible when we’re not getting along. It’s so unnecessary. Why do you wanna ruin our friendship so bad?

    R: Because it’s very unhealthy.

    E: What is unhealthy about it?

    R: Are you kidding me?

    E: 🙂 No, I’ve been marveling at how healthy it is since we reunited our friendship. And I am trying to get along with you because I’m committed to keeping it healthy. What do you see as unhealthy??

    R: This!

    E: You ask any therapist out there, and they will agree: Every healthy relationship has disagreements!!

    R: And so do all unhealthy relationships!

    E: I see this as a lightweight discussion. I have an 11 year friendship with Kenny that has weathered far more heavyweight stuff than this. You show me one healthy relationship that doesn’t have disagreements. That would only happen in a perfect world.

    E: I’ve been making an extreme effort to be very positive. But I’m not gonna pretend everything’s okay when I feel bad. Pretending is when it gets unhealthy, sweeping issues under the rug. That’s a phony form of peace. That makes for shallow relationships.

    E: A healthy relationship is when 2 people speak their deep truth in all honesty and trust. That’s when it really grows strong and deep.

    E: I challenge you to ask your therapist about this. What do you think?

    R: Yes, but about 90% of our communication is negative.

    E: Unfortunately, tonight is got too negative. To that I say tomorrow is another day. But before tonight it’s been almost completely positive, would you say?

    R: In the last 2 weeks

    E: I’ve been studying under relationship coaches for the last 2.5 years…INTENSELY. I’m not just pulling this stuff out of my hat. One psychiatrist said there needs to be 20 positive interactions for every one negative interaction. I remain very conscious of that. I affirm you at every turn.

    R: Thanks

    E: Yes, in the last 3 weeks, we’ve said we are getting a fresh start and I think it’s been doing fantastic.

    E: I have observed the main time we don’t get along is when I initiate contact. I’m going to do my best to not initiate.

    R: I don’t know why you’re holding on so hard to me.

    E: Because I believe in unconditional, unfailing, stubborn, radical love, the kind that God gives. God has flooded me with His Love. Because of His nature living in me, it is my nature to love.

    E: Would you like for me to let go?

    A half hour later, after I fell asleep at 4 am, he wrote:

    R: Yes

    The next night I wrote him (Thursday):

    E: Hi Ryan, I really was thinking about it today and I realize that a lot of what I said last night was overkill. I have come a long way in my relational skills, but at each turn, I realize I still have a ways to go. Will you please forgive me for hanging on to the issue like a bulldog that won’t let go? I don’t realize sometimes when I’m getting too intense. If you would be so kind as to give me some room to grow, I was thinking it would work if we had a little code word when I’m getting too intense, like “yellow!” I’m still a learner when it comes to relating to people. Sometimes I still react out of my wounding from the past. I want to keep it light and carefree. Will you please forgive me and give me another chance?

    R: Ok

    E: TY

    Tonight, Friday, I wrote…

    E: Please be patient with me. You’re not the only one who is in desperate need of healing.

    E: P.S. I mean that in the sense of emotional healing.

    R: Well, I hope you know that I never knowingly committed ill against you, so I do not claim responsibility for your need for emotional healing.

    E: We agreed to not get into our past issues at this time. I was referring to chidhood wounding. That is, I didn’t learn happy relational skills since my household was filled with contention and criticism. I am determined to break that chain.

    R: Oh

    E: Every time I start to think my damage is healed, I become aware of another layer of dysfunctional behavior, as I did the other day. I desire to be perfect, but I’m not. Really working hard to change and heal, tho.

    R: Try to be patient with yourself and recognize your successes.

    E: Thank you, R. That feels good to hear, especially coming from you.

    So what do you think, everyone? I would appreciate your feedback and tweaks…positive or negative.



  279.  #279Butterfly Wings on August 27, 2011 at 1:30 am

    Esteemed, I am also coming from a loving place, and from where I sit, and if I were a healthy man, I would feel like I’m being literally “bombarded” with messages from you and I would probably retreat. So this must be so much worse from R’s position…

    Also, I can see that he is totally baffled as to why you bother to continue any kind of relationship with him because he asked you more than once why.

    I get, even though he’s claiming no responsibility, that he knows that he’s hurting you (even though it may not be intentional) too, which is why he’s so baffled as to why you’re still hanging around.

    Also, I can see that he’s very sure you want more than just a platonic friendship too and I can probably guess he’s feeling a LOT of pressure from you with what you’re saying and the number of messages you’re sending him.

    He definitely has a brick wall up and I sense it going up even more, every time you send him another uninitiated message – I counted 6 messages from you in a row more than once, and I know TH would run a mile if I did that with him and he’d tell me to back off. I’m not sure R is “gutsy” enough to say that, but I can bet that’s what he’s thinking.

    So here’s what I think:

    Like you said, things are sooo much better when HE initiates contact. So if he contacts, you, then you respond. One message. That’s it.

    Otherwise you’re not giving him a chance to step up because he’s receiving message after message from you. He needs to believe that you have a life outside of him, otherwise he’ll never be tempted to look for more from you.

    And if I were you, and he’s made it very clear more than once, please don’t fall into the trap of thinking there could be more at this point in time, otherwise I can see you’re going to be very badly hurt and I’d hate to see that.

    I really hope this all came out right, E, because I really want to see you happy and I know what it’s like to not see things clearly when you’re in love.

    I still believe he’s not capable of giving you what you want right now too, so please continue to focus on you (your new job arrived just in time I think!), keep CDing, and PLEASE consider that you may not have a future with him in it. If that’s the case, it’ll be easier for you to move on and find somebody who deserves you. ((((HUGS)))))



  280.  #280Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 2:48 am

    KS and Butterfly Wings,

    Thank you. I think it’s because I know I don’t see things clearly because of my feelings that I posted this, even tho I feel embarrassed. I really was operating out of old wounding from childhood, feeling all the despair, confusion, rejection, and longing to be loved that I felt when my parents and/or brothers just lambasted me with criticism after criticism.

    Darn, I’m just screaming out for love. I can handle a casual, take-me-or-leave-me friendship with other men. There are men I see at church and I just say hi and move on without another thot. If he comes up to me to converse, fine. If not, fine. But when it comes to R, my lungs inflate and deflate around him! Grrrrr at me!

    LOL, reminds me of an old Don Williams song, “Heart of mine, be still! You can play with fire, but you’ll get the bill! Don’t let (him) know! Don’t let (him) know that you love (him!) Don’t be a fool, don’t be blind, heart of mine.

    I realized too late, the next day, that I was way overdoing it with feeling messages. I realized I couldn’t just pick at him for every little thing – I need to learn to let some things go, and to choose my battles. I guess anyone would back off and put up walls if someone came at them like that. LOL, must be what K means when he says not just any man could handle me! Both K and I have a temper and can really jump down someone’s throat, so I guess we understand each other and give grace when we overdo.

    As for CDing, I am. I just can’t find a man who turns me on like R. I guess 2 years of missing R is what got me ahead of myself, just soaking up his presence, wanting more, more, more, and feeling super insecure that he would withdraw again. I guess I was sorta like the guy in “Flowers for Algernon” (or was it Of Mice and Men?) where the mentally handicapped man had a pet mouse that he kept in his pocket who he loved…loved so much that he petted him so hard that it killed him.

    So, oncest again, I feel the frustration of my own shortcomings and my own emotional neediness.

    It’s so frustrating that all this stuff has to be stripped bare by pain. I see this one couple at my church loving on each other. They’re newly engaged, and she caresses his chest with her head, and he pulls her close immediately, like a beloved pet, always welcome in his arms. I think, “Why can’t I have that? Wouldn’t I heal so much quicker and better if I simply had the love and affection I have been missing all my life??”

    But then I remind myself that it isn’t just that that I want. If it were, I could probably find it any day of the week. I want so much more in a man, that few men capture my heart: deep spirituality, intelligence, and sensitivity. And then I remind myself of what Allana Pratt told me once, that when we are single, we have to dig deeper, and we become stronger.

    So, as Byron Katie says, romance and relationships really is all about learning to love yourself.

    And every time I think I have that mastered, along with my childhood damage, I find myself here, feeling like a lost little girl who has no idea which way is home.

    Thanks all for your support in the midst of my stumbling. Tell me, is Ryan toxic in these interactions? I can now see mine were unhealthy. But really, I see him as healthier all the time. Even tho I would like more from him, he has stated clearly that he is not ready for a romantic relationship with anybody, that he needs to finish healing first from schizophrenia. That is healthy to recognize that.

    So when he holds me at arms’ length, he is only maintaining the boundaries of a simple, platonic friendship – is that right? Is it controlling of him to resist me at every turn? Is he uncaring of my feelings? These are honest questions, coming from my confusion and wounding.

    To be candid, the reason I try so hard with him is because I have felt more intimacy with him than with any other human being in the world. I never felt so close, connected, and understood. And, in some moments, never felt so loved.

    But I see now that he is incapable of real love as long as he has schizophrenia…I think.

    Loving myself by working hard to get my ragged life in order: job, home, weight loss, and the list goes on…



  281.  #281Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 3:17 am

    What is wrong with me? How can I fix myself?



  282.  #282English Woman on August 27, 2011 at 3:49 am

    Esteemed, I feel very sad reading your interaction with R.

    You are TRYING so hard to connect with this man emotionally but he keeps saying he doesn’t want that. It’s like the rowing the boat analogy isn’t it? You are rowing and rowing and rowing and rowing…..trying to row upstream instead of going with the flow (Abraham).

    It is SOOooo hard to move on from somebody you are still in love with but is unavailable for whatever reason, especially if you are the sensitive type which I get from reading your posts that you are.

    I have no idea of how you do that, all that learning to love yourself is very hard to do for some people and easy for others seemingly.

    SOMEHOW you are going to have to turn R around into just a friend only if you want to maintain contact with him.

    Maybe get onto youtube and watch Byron Katie, Rori, Abraham, Tony Robbins, anybody who can help you turn your focus off R and onto you.

    You are starting your new job this week right? And you have to make some living arrangements, etc. So why not put your energy (if you can) into your new beginning.

    Take care xxx



  283.  #283Daria on August 27, 2011 at 3:53 am

    ok so my dream last nite
    my grandma was in it. and then the duchess showed up… like from alice in wonderland

    but before that i thinnk i was the daughter of some man, and i had an older brother

    in a village

    and the man was not faithful so when we went to village gatherings

    women would come and send children to us

    and he said “oh is that your daughter?” and the woman would say yes yes

    and send the little girl in the room with us and close the door

    because actually she was his daughter too

    so on the carriage ride home we had like 3 more kids with us that were actually our siblings

    and i felt happy



  284.  #284Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 3:57 am

    Here’s how my reasoning goes:

    If my fundamental problem is a lack of love,
    then my fundamental solution is to be given love.

    I can’t find a healthy relationship full of love until I am healed;
    therefore, I can’t be healed, because I still lack love.

    I know there is something I am missing, and I’m not sure what it is. God designed us to need people. The most unlimited relationship is that of marriage. I need affection – I need to be touched. Just touching by a man is not what I need. Touch alone isn’t the issue. It’s touch with real love behind the touch.

    I crave cuddling. And that’s what I had with R in 2009. We had most of our dates in bed for months! With mostly cuddling and pillow talk! They were the happiest days of my life.

    I say my dogs are professional cuddlers – working dogs, you know? 🙂 But that’s not enough. It’s not JUST about a warm body next to me. I desire physical (sexual and/or nonsexual, but I’m mostly talking about cuddling and hugging here) AND emotional AND intellectual AND spiritual connection.

    How can I heal if my fundamental needs as a human being aren’t met? Isn’t that like trying to revive a starving baby and giving her a pacifier, expecting her to thrive? Because all the things I do (friends, pampering myself, recreation, etc) feel like a pacifier, not the real food of love that I need. I feel vulnerable putting this out on a public place.

    I receive a lot of verbal love in my friends and family, people I talk to every day. Apparently that’s not enough. I am doing everything I know how to do to love myself. Apparently that’s not enough.

    There’s this huge cavern inside that longs to hold and be held, touch and be touched, to verbalize my being and to hear another verbalize his being. If all this is the meat of love, that would fill my craving, then doesn’t that make everything else an endless appetizer, just teasing me. It’s like sitting down at a restaurant and being served little snacks for hours, one an hour, when you haven’t eaten for a week and just want a big salad, steak, mashed potatoes and broccoli? Yo, bring on the meal already!

    Many people have grown up with fear, rejection, and even violence and overcome it to be in loving relationships. I know it is possible. But I really don’t know how.

    Sorta like asking for a loan: I am only going to be approved for a loan if I can prove that I don’t need one! I am only going to be loved by a good man if I can prove that I don’t need a good man!

    Hey, I’m fine! I don’t have any problems! Look at me, the Siren overflowing with success, beauty, and love! I don’t need you, sweet sailor! Glide away on your ship! I have all I need right here on my island!

    …while I feel like a limp rag doll who is so weak emotionally that she can’t even stand up. What if that ship approached Siren Island and the fattest of the Sirens stood with her toes in the water, waving and screaming, “Hey, sailor! Wait! Don’t go! I’m starving! Please, please, help me! Please come ashore! I need you! I need to be loved! I’m dying because I don’t know what it feels like to be loved by a human being! Sure, I have God’s Love, and that’s gone a long way. But I need you.”

    Oh, the sailors would just come clamoring, wouldn’t they (not)?



  285.  #285Daria on August 27, 2011 at 4:01 am

    SLV – and everyone else worried about the hurricane – hoping your images of flying in the wind are just fun storybook pictures… and it all feels just lovely and safe soon



  286.  #286Daria on August 27, 2011 at 4:05 am

    Esteemed – Rori said once and it stuck with me that it’s about learning to get our needs met from lots of different men rather than trying to get them all from one

    that kinda hit me me with an aha and i’ve been practicing that

    i feel a lot of my desperateness and loneliness healed.

    Experiments with ‘chasing men’ have actually helped me heal and i felt much more powerful when i got back on my bridge

    that and i have done lots of in the body riffing on desperateness and loneliness on blog



  287.  #287Femininewoman on August 27, 2011 at 4:05 am

    Thanks Daria. It has been downgraded to Category 1 and has already made landfall in North Carolina. Many people here have evacuated because they expect much structural damage along the coast and inland.



  288.  #288Daria on August 27, 2011 at 4:07 am

    I used to think that only Guywho could provide the kind of love that i needed

    and now i no longer think that

    i just kept taking babysteps



  289.  #289Butterfly Wings on August 27, 2011 at 4:08 am

    Esteemed, there is nothing “wrong” with you at all!

    What you do need to do is to love yourself and forgive yourself for every mistake you’ve ever made, cos just like the rest of us, you’re not perfect!

    I so feel for you when I read your posts and wish I was there go give you a real hug! ((hugs))

    Yes, he is toxic for YOU. He may not be toxic for somebody else, but definitely for you because of your attachment to him.

    I don’t think he’s uncaring of your feelings because if he was, he’d be saying really nasty things, purposely trying to hurt you. I don’t think he’s doing that. But what he is doing is keeping you at arms length, because that’s where he wants you to be. It is very clear.

    I suppose in his own way he’s telling you to forget about a relationship with him, which is probably the kindest thing he can do. He just can’t be for you like that happy engaged couple are with each other.

    And you CAN have what they have. But you’ve first got to believe that you can. And as Rori says, don’t focus on the man you want, but the **relationship** you want. I think this is part of the problem. You’re too focused on R and not the type of relationship you’re after.

    The right man is out there but you need to be ready for him when he finally appears, and that will be when you finally love and forgive yourself, “flaws” and all!

    Now that you have a job, you’re in a much better position to get your life in order – your focus will be less on just surviving and more on making your life better (once you find somewhere to live that is – I know you will work something out!).

    You have a list of things to work out in your life too, and that’s great. And remember to give yourself the reward you deserve when each one is accomplished.

    This is a gradual process, but as you begin celebrating each little success, you will start to feel good about yourself and this will come across in your vibe, which will in turn attract better men.

    Now, when you’re not working, what will you be doing to keep yourself busy in between dates?

    This is something you can start thinking about now. It’s got to be something you love doing too. This helped me a LOT with TH and that’s because there were times (there still are!) when I’d rather be doing my own activity than see him, but he’d invite himself over or ask me out and I’d be thinking “Darn! I just wanted to be home alone tonight so I could do X!”.

    If you can get yourself into that kind of situation, I think you’re well on your way because you’ve learned to love your own company for starters! 🙂

    I know how it feels to crave affection. I had 8 years of practically zero! But you CAN have affection from the right man. I really don’t think R is that man, but he’s out there waiting for you to love yourself so he can love you too.
    xxxxxx



  290.  #290Daria on August 27, 2011 at 4:12 am

    Jaspen – before the face to face meeting, nothing is happening – you want to get to the actual date!

    so on the first or second phonecalls, if he doesn’t say anything about meeting I say “well i don’t want to talk on the phone a lot, I’m only interested in meeting men face to face. what do you think?”

    a siren doesn’t usually have time or energy for lots of phonecalls because she’s too busy with her wonderful life



  291.  #291Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 4:15 am

    What if instead of using feeling messages to let R know how disgruntled I am about him not making plans; being elusive; not responding to my texts, I came out and said, “R, I need to be loved. Please love me.”

    Because that’s all of what it all amounts to, a cry for love. My needy vibe would drive him thousands of miles away!

    So I play (or try to play) the nonchalant platonic friend. I get a light pat on the back as a hug when we part. When we sit at the diner and talk, my mouth is moving but I can’t hear what I’m saying, because my soul is raging inside, so ravenous for love that I can’t think straight.

    “Are you ready to go?”

    “Sure!” I think, “No problem, I’ll just will my soul to drag out of the restaurant with the sheer force my my muscles powering my body. Somehow my parched, palsied soul stays stuck to my body. It’s withered and shriveled, laying weakly on its death bed. Somehow it goes from place to place, making phone calls to get a home and a job, interfacing with disgruntled bill collectors.

    “Excuse me,” she wants to plead, “Please call 911 for the soul! I need an I.V.! I need to be placed in intensive care! I’m dying in here, and no one sees it or recognizes it.”

    And, if they did, would they care? I’ve told R I need to be loved and he said I can’t help you.Then I just felt foolish and inferior. And I see my Dad’s ice blue eyes flashing anger as he whirls around in the car from the front seat with his hand raised, shouting, “I’m gonna hit you in a minute! Did you hear me??”

    I am a compulsive overeater. I eat to anesthetize the pain inside. I don’t want to do that anymore. That is self-sabotaging. But it gives me the feeling of the illusion of love and touch for a few moments…while it drives men away.



  292.  #292Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 4:20 am

    Daria,

    RE: #287 – Thank you. It helps to an extent. I feel loved by K. He genuinely loves me. He would remarry me in a heartbeat. And I’ve made lots of friends with both men and women at church. A lot of the guys there are in their 20s, so it’s kind of fun interacting with them, and I enjoy it. Going to be meeting Gar within a week. That will be really good for me! I’ll try to keep that in mind.



  293.  #293Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 4:24 am

    English Woman and Butterfly Wings,

    Thank you!



  294.  #294Femininewoman on August 27, 2011 at 4:27 am

    Hi Daria do you mind reading this?

    Hi, how are you? Your profile sounds very interesting! I’m interested in getting to know you. Are you into romance & want a man full of passion? That’s the kind of woman I am looking for. I’m a man who needs allot of love & affection. I am sweet, simple, & if you want a soul mate, then we have that in common also. I don’t have love in my life, there’s an empty feeling, a void that I need to fill, the need to share my heart & soul with that special woman! I always believe that love is earned & that it’s easy to show love, but to feel the love, intensity & passion comes with the time, moments, & how 2 people reacts towards one another. I love animals & the little things life has to offer, but basically, I’m just a guy who lives to love. That pretty much sums me up. I would like to hear back from you. Ciao for now, M xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
    PS I have a Certificate in Kissing, a Diploma in Caring and a Degree in Loving. Do you have a job for me?

    I see “need a lot of love” and feel like running. It feels like a lot of pressure and the earn love part and I just don’t even want to respond. It feels draining and I start wondering if I want to go there. Somes to suggest to me that I might need to do a lot of work that I don’t really want to do. I could be comfortable with a lot of phone conversation to be clear on what I don’t want in a relationship is what I am thinking.



  295.  #295Femininewoman on August 27, 2011 at 4:28 am

    When it comes to love I am sure I don’t want a job.



  296.  #296Femininewoman on August 27, 2011 at 4:42 am

    For the first time since doing this work this came to me “I feel kissed by life when I lose myself in the music” when I was talking about Zumba. I am feeling really blessed as a result of finding Rori.



  297.  #297English Woman on August 27, 2011 at 4:43 am

    Esteemed

    When I am feeling down, I try and watch inspirational stuff or listen to feel good music, something that lifts my soul to a higher place.

    Somebody posted this on my FB a few weeks back and I can’t help but be humbled by it, and it makes me try and appreciate all that I DO have, though like you I don’t have a man who loves me in the way I desire (for the moment).

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ciYk-UwqFKA&feature=related



  298.  #298Femininewoman on August 27, 2011 at 5:01 am

    They are reporting that over 100,200 people have already lost power



  299.  #299English Woman on August 27, 2011 at 5:18 am

    Wow FW thanks for the update, I have some other blog online friends in NH, one has just left there for the UK and I was quite surprised the airport was open from the reports we have been having over here.



  300.  #300Butterfly Wings on August 27, 2011 at 5:20 am

    Esteemed, yep like EW said, I also listen to inspirational stuff when I’m down. I bought the Audio book for “The Power” which is based on the book which was the sequel to The Secret. I love it! She talks with a bit of a funny accent, but there is sooo much valuable info in there, if you can get it over there. I’m sure you can. There’s an entire chapter dedicated to Relationships!

    Esteemed, you wrote (and i’m not sure if you meant that you were thinking of saying this): “What if instead of using feeling messages to let R know how disgruntled I am about him not making plans; being elusive; not responding to my texts, I came out and said, “R, I need to be loved. Please love me.””.

    I read that and thought “Please don’t!”. I think you’re setting yourself up for hurt.

    And yes, it comes across as needy too, and of course that will drive him away. He really isn’t ready (more likely he’s incapable) of giving you love.

    You’re obviously feeling some serious hurt from a long time ago and you are far from healed with that.

    Is there another way you can alleviate your pain without eating? I always found it helped to go for a VERY (and I mean VERY) brisk walk! I put my anger and frustration and hurt into my walking, and as I walked I sometimes cried silently too. It really helped me. Would you be up to something like that? You could even take your dogs with you.

    It is sooo important that you start loving yourself Esteemed, because only then can you find a man to love you as much as you clearly want to be loved.

    Take baby steps. Do little things that make you feel better about yourself. It won’t happen over night, but all too soon you will wake up and come to the realisation that you’re the wonderful person we all see here and that you DO deserve the type of love that R cannot give you! xxxx



  301.  #301Butterfly Wings on August 27, 2011 at 5:20 am

    Oh I hope everybody’s ok over there in the US. Thinking of you all! xxx



  302.  #302English Woman on August 27, 2011 at 6:18 am

    Me too BW, stay safe and indoors and take care everybody. xxx



  303.  #303Corin on August 27, 2011 at 6:25 am

    Wow, I’m noticing so much resistance to acknowledging that it’s my stuff, not his. If I admit it’s my stuff it means…..I am afraid of intimacy and commitment, I wear a mask to hide my feelings, I present a fake PR of my life, I have superficial connections with others, I run away, I am unreliable, I am fearful of love and opening up to love, I respond to the challenges of love by running away and closing down.

    I love my fear of love and being vulnerable. I know that fear seemed to keep me safe in the past but it’s no longer true. Babysteps. Observing is the first step for change. I will not judge myself for this.



  304.  #304Wildflower on August 27, 2011 at 6:33 am

    This morning I woke up and the first thought that popped in to my head was how a particular man was not calling me and how I felt really sad and lonely.

    Then out of the blue my brother walked in and asked me if there is anything he could do for me before the hurricane hit. That felt really nice because my brother and I haven’t been close or really talking in a long time. When he left I felt so touched by his kindness I started crying. So my dog came over and started being extra sweet to me. So then I started thinking about the man I had a date with last night who told me he can’t wait to see me again and wants to keep in touch when I leave. That made me think about the man who gave me roses on one of our dates.

    Then I wanted to beat myself up for some of my choices.

    So I dropped to my knees and I felt a bit better afterward. I’ll never be perfect but I really intend to let love in.

    I feel weird about sharing this.



  305.  #305Corin on August 27, 2011 at 6:34 am

    Has anyone else had a situation where it seems like they are not learning the message that needs to be learnt so then more and more extreme challenges get sent out. Kind of like the challenge gets bigger and bigger?
    I’m not sure if this makes sense.



  306.  #306Eliana on August 27, 2011 at 6:40 am

    I am feeling overwhelmed by the number of posts inundating my already overwhelmingly full email box. I innocently check the Notify Me of FOllow up comments via email to my chagrin.

    I went to the subscription area and unsubscribed myself, only I still am receiving loads of updates.

    To whom can I turn to take care of this immediately. It’s a big turn off. I do want to read the blog, but come at my own pace. Receiving an avalancheof mail is turnng me off.

    Thanks.



  307.  #307Susan on August 27, 2011 at 6:41 am

    ESTEEMED:

    My heart aches for you. Especially when you wrote: “Sorta like asking for a loan: I am only going to be approved for a loan if I can prove that I don’t need one! I am only going to be loved by a good man if I can prove that I don’t need a good man! ” That is pretty much the way it is. The needier you are, the less likely you are to get your needs fulfilled. This is a sad fact.

    You also made an analogy to food (appetizers v feasting.) I have used that analogy many times. I used to feel starving ~ literally starving. And no one would feed me. That feels awful. And it is so hard to stop feeling hungry.

    Butterfly Wings’ advice to take brisk walks is good advice. Personally, when I feel the lowest emotionally I feel better when I engage physically. When I was going through my divorce I went to the gym 5 days a week in an attempt to exhaust the anger and longing and fear. It really did help.

    I realize you feel addicted to R, but from what he writes in his texts he does not want a relationship with you. If you keep pushing him like this, he will drop you as a friend as well. I truly believe that CDing will help you. Also, get involved in something other than church. Church is good! But you are seeing the same people over and over. I am advising you branch out and do something different… meet different people. Get out in the sunlight. Exercise. Connect with all that life has to offer, not just church and R. There are so many different possibilities for you and you are not seeing them because you keep traveling the same paths.

    Try leaving your phone behind so you CAN’T text anybody. Just check your messages once a day. Or maybe twice a day. Then you will HAVE TO interact more face to face.

    These are just suggestions… I have lived in those starving shoes and turning things around is initially painful because it feels so foreign.



  308.  #308Susan on August 27, 2011 at 6:46 am

    RE: 307: Eliana

    If you unsubscribed yourself, you unsubscribed from getting Rori’s emails. Those are different than getting comments from the blog emailed to you. You probably want those emails from Rori.

    I don’t know a way to turn off getting the blog comments by email. My advice is to create a folder in your email program to store all these in and then create a filter in your email program that tells it to send all blog comments to that folder. That will keep your inbox clear of clutter and you can read these comments at your leisure.

    As soon as Rori posts a new topic, the comments on this topic will die down dramatically.



  309.  #309Wildflower on August 27, 2011 at 6:56 am

    RE 292 Esteemed I feel so weird saying this but I actually felt good and hopeful reading this particular post. It seemed like there was such clarity. To me you sounded so strong and clear. I am sending love your way.



  310.  #310alias girl on August 27, 2011 at 7:11 am

    #290 Bw that felt really sweet to read



  311.  #311alias girl on August 27, 2011 at 7:20 am

    (((Esteemed)))



  312.  #312Rose on August 27, 2011 at 7:23 am

    #87 Jeanette, I didn’t feel guilty because I was feeling ready to date at the time..I didn’t know Rori then but I did naturally do the whole CDing and had no expectations, but to be open to dates and have a good time..I did find someone have have a wonderful relationship, and I would even say an even more connected one than I had with my late husband…
    Take Care, Rose



  313.  #313Senior Lady Vibe on August 27, 2011 at 7:26 am

    @Jaspen @Esteemed

    Thanks for thinking about me. I was starting to get a “Robinson Crusoe on the island” feeling. I found some food items once I took a look through the fridge and I have a few things on my “hard times” pantry” (where I stash the extra things when they are on sale) LOL this must be “hard times… ” 😆

    I checked the maps and I am not on mandatory evacuation list although I’m sad that no transportation 12 noon and the libraries will be closed all weekend. My side of the street is in one zone and the supermarkets and library across the street is in another… hmmm. Census tract kind of maps.

    I’ll be inside, read, stay online, catch up on Rori blog posts. The weather looks and feels so nice it’s difficult to have a sense of weather emergency. I must remember I live on an island, water all around.

    😀



  314.  #314Femininewoman on August 27, 2011 at 7:49 am

    Wildflower thanks for sharing that. I feel blessed for having read about your life and experiences.



  315.  #315Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 8:14 am

    Butterfly Wings and English Woman,

    Thank you very much for your suggestions and encouragement! Yes, I have read part of the Power. Walks help me especially much, too. I go out almost every evening to walk and enjoy nature.

    Wildflower,

    What you shared was beautiful about the men stepping up in your life!



  316.  #316Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 8:20 am

    Eliana,

    RE: #307 – I understand that you unsubscribed yourself. What type of updates are coming? Are they about the blog or Rori’s newsletters that she sends daily?

    If they are Rori’s daily letters, you can click at the bottom to unsubscribe. If you unsubscribed from the blog, I don’t understand what kind of updates it would be sending you.

    The way I work it is I wait until Rori starts a new thread, and then I subscribe to the LAST thread, so my box won’t be overinundated.

    I hope this helps.



  317.  #317Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 8:24 am

    Susan,

    RE: #308 – Thank you very much! All excellent suggestions! I will go for it.



  318.  #318Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 8:26 am

    Eliana,

    RE: #309 – Susan said something that clued me in to what may be happening. At the bottom of the blog page to which you are subscribed, click “Manage subscriptions”. A list will come up of the threads to which you are subscribed. You can click on whichever ones you want to stop the emails.



  319.  #319Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 8:30 am

    Wildflower,

    RE: #310 about #292 – Thank you! Definitely I was touching on some of my deepest feelings there. I figure the more I face the pain, rather than anesthetize it with food, the more it will go away, or at least consciously be dealt with in a productive way…not a destructive way (overeating).

    Baby steps



  320.  #320Daria on August 27, 2011 at 8:54 am

    Corin – yes I have 🙂 and it happens when I AM learning it… it grows… and then all of a sudden heals and disappears



  321.  #321Susan on August 27, 2011 at 8:56 am

    Esteemed…

    Is it possible that the true source of your pain is your memories of your father? Could it be that you are deeply attracted to men who are not emotionally available because of this?



  322.  #322Daria on August 27, 2011 at 8:57 am

    Wow Feminine Woman that feels so poetic… awesome!

    i feel scared to expand my poetry… i feel kissed by life… it feels scary to say that!

    wow awesome



  323.  #323Daria on August 27, 2011 at 9:04 am

    Feminine Woman – yes, men feel the need to “earn love” which is what Rori says (unlike us women)

    i feel a lil uncomfortable reading this profile too…

    but… men often don’t know what they’re talking about or how to write profiles – and i mean that in a GOOD way!

    so… forget about judging him!

    did he contact you? if so, then you can practice with him even if he seems totally ‘not your type’

    so respond with a thank you to any compliment he makes to you, and respond to him as if he’s the most wonderful sexy man on the planet (he IS right now, as he’s APPROACHING YOU!)

    feeling messages and OPEN heart and body



  324.  #324DE on August 27, 2011 at 9:19 am

    Daria #324:

    I love it! Thank you for sharing how to let go of limiting beliefs when interacting with a man…i recall when you first shared it with me a while back, i was like “what?”…:)

    then, i imagined for a moment how would it feel to me to believe the man in front of me is the most wonderful person (cause i am a powerful being…a Goddess)…and in that moment, my entire horizon opened with unlimited possibilities 🙂

    warm hugs 🙂



  325.  #325Jaspen on August 27, 2011 at 9:25 am

    Eliana – The same thing happened to me! I un-subscribed from the thread, I think by clicking on a link in one of the update messages in your email box. It will take you to a “Manage YourSubscriptions” page.

    Daria, Thank You – I will now be completely confident expressing now. Thank you and all, again.

    I just popped on for a second this morning, will check in again later ~



  326.  #326Sammie on August 27, 2011 at 9:45 am

    Esteemed,

    I would like to suggest that you find yourself a good massage therapist (and or an energy body healer who are sometimes massage therapists or chiropractors as well) when you get yourself back afloat financially.

    It can be very healing to have this connection to touch and your body and to have a safe environment and person in which to experience this.

    This can in turn help you to love yourself more and heal some of the neediness for physical closeness and touch that you are so craving.

    xoxoxo,

    Sammie



  327.  #327Starla on August 27, 2011 at 9:47 am

    God is good and watches over the people I love <3

    Feeling blessed. Only good things come our way. Everything works itself out in the end.



  328.  #328Femininewoman on August 27, 2011 at 9:56 am

    Daria I did but I said that I don’t think of love as a job. I don’t know if that will put him off but it doesn’t matter, there are others. Plus he is not my normal type and I did feel uncomfortable reading parts of his profile. I shared that with him



  329.  #329Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 10:19 am

    Susan,

    RE: #322 – I have had much healing for the past 25 years as an adult. I made peace with my Dad before he passed away 7 years ago. In the past, what you suggested was true.

    When R came into my life, I felt SO ready for love! I was ready for the intimacy and vulnerability that come with a face-to-face relationship. I knew he had issues with schizophrenia, but to meet him, he has an angelic aura and he is so gentle and soft-spoken. I felt thrilled that a man 15 years younger was dating me! He lived 3 miles away, not hundreds of miles away in a prison.

    I thought, “Whew, breathe deep sigh of relief: I finally have a man in my life who is emotionally available!!” Sure, I knew it might be a long road ahead with his mental illness, but his positive qualities far outweighed his negative qualities.

    Yes, it’s become apparent that as long as he is schizophrenic, he is emotionally unavailable. But that became clear well after I started dating him, after the most beautiful, intimate moments of my life.



  330.  #330Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 10:21 am

    Feminine Woman,

    RE: #297 – How beautiful!!! I love it! Totally resonates with my heart! I can’t wait until I can get a membership again at the Y…I want to take Zumba classes again!

    I really want to learn to dance. I feel so clumsy on a dance floor.



  331.  #331Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 10:23 am

    DE (& Daria),

    RE: #325 – I third the motion! Any man just wants a woman to believe in him! When we treat him with value, like more precious than a million dollars, he senses that.



  332.  #332Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 10:25 am

    Sammie,

    Re: #327 – Yes, thank you! I have longed to do that many times! Hopefully soon I will be able to afford that. I agree that it would be so healing.



  333.  #333Ella on August 27, 2011 at 10:40 am

    Is anyone here?

    Need some quick help for a reply to a text…



  334.  #334luzydel on August 27, 2011 at 10:41 am

    Well, I just got back after spending 2 days at my CD place by the shore. it was nice he trated me like a queen and I reciprocrated this morning by preparing a nice breakfast before heading back home. I practice being vulnerabl and something happened…

    We were talking about our fathers and I told him somethin I ususally keep to myself. I told him that my dad and I did not have a good relationship and that he was very obvious when treating my sisters and me; It was like my dad did not care, but before he died he called to say sorry and that he did love me; while I was telling this to MY CD he cried, I never expected that…I leaned forward and hugged him and he huuged me back…He is amazing, though I admit it can be scary if I fall for him, I am up for the challenege…I feel safe so far.



  335.  #335Ella on August 27, 2011 at 10:53 am

    Feeling hella scared like wooooohooo, weeee, here we go.

    Feels hella scary to state boundaries sometimes like my reply to new CD just now:

    ‘… I had a good time too. Shopping and coffee felt fun, And it would feel good to see you again soon and I also feel a little bit unsure about dating men who I am not sure if they are into me. Always feels better to feel wanted. I feel unsure. What do you think?’

    Awwwweeeeeawww.

    Feel scared now.

    Need to do something to make me feel good.

    Maybe I should have just gone with the ordinary girl response of ‘ok yes that would be nice’ but then I would still feel unsure etc…

    My need of dating men who are totally into me is more important than getting to spend time with any man.

    Help I feel vulnerable.

    I want validation.

    And breath Ella.

    You are doing amazingly.

    You are standing up for yourself.

    And if its not him it will be someone else so don’t worry.

    You are totally allowed to have a boundary that you will only date men who are totally into you.

    That is fine.

    And it makes you high quality.

    Yes but sometimes I feel lonely.

    Thats ok Ella.

    Its ok to feel lonely.

    I got you.

    Love you. Love you. Love you…

    Now go and get ready to go out.

    xoxox



  336.  #336DE on August 27, 2011 at 10:58 am

    Wow…i just had a thought that brought overwhelming fears and sadness …it felt like shooting pain in my heart that brought up tears…

    Fear of getting closer to T…possibly even plans to get married…and J comes back into the picture…Fear that my feelings for J would still be just as strong…fear that I would hurt T…:(

    The closer I get to T…stronger memories of J come…and I get tearful next to him…i always hope he doesn’t notice…

    I recall reading a passage by Marianne W*illi*amson saying …
    “At the so-called end of relationships, I have sometimes felt like I was falling in love with the person more deeply than i had been before. What I’ve discovered for myself is that the Hol*y S*pirit sometimes pulls out all the stops at that moment, simply because it takes all the love we’re capable of to let a person go…’I love u so much that I can release you to go where you ended to be, to go where you need to go.’

    This moment in a relationship is not about an ending. It’s about the ultimate fulfillment of the purpose in any relationship; that we find the meaning of pure love.”

    Sigh…working on relinquishing this fear…



  337.  #337Ella on August 27, 2011 at 11:11 am

    Know what I am realising it is so true what Rori says… that when we are in the middle of a break up, or pining over a man, we can truly forget that he is not the only man in the world.

    We actually think he is the ONLY man that can make us feel ‘like that’ and feel good.

    And do you know I am finally just coming to realise that it is absolute twoddle!

    It is SUCH an untruth.

    I can’t believe we ever believe that.

    I mean seriously there are MILLIONS of men out there, all of whom can make us feel something, many of whom can make us feel good, and many of whom can love us and make us feel really good!

    So why on earth would we forget this and believe that one man holds the key?

    Lol @ us.

    I love us!

    xoxoxox



  338.  #338Ella on August 27, 2011 at 11:14 am

    ((((DE))))

    Stay with your feelings hon… T might just be the real thing.

    We always feel sadness about change.

    It is still a loss even if a good one.

    Wonder if you could share with him that you feel sadness about changing your life and giving up toxic patterns all the while thought it is what you most want and you feel excited or whatever too…

    Just an idea.

    Sending you some warm, safe love.

    A man in the hand is worth a million in the bush!! 😉

    xoxoxox



  339.  #339DE on August 27, 2011 at 11:17 am

    Thank you for the warm love 🙂

    I feel glad to see u worked out your fears 🙂

    Have fun tonite!

    warm hugs



  340.  #340DE on August 27, 2011 at 11:18 am

    Esteemed #332:

    Very true indeed 🙂

    warm hugs,



  341.  #341Femininewoman on August 27, 2011 at 11:18 am

    I am also clumsy on the dance floor but I talk to myself. I tell myself I am hot, sexy and gracefully feminine. The thoughts help to change the movements.



  342.  #342Femininewoman on August 27, 2011 at 11:22 am

    RE 336 Ella I feel you in that. The energy is resonating over here. Bravo to you getting out of your comfort zone.



  343.  #343Femininewoman on August 27, 2011 at 11:25 am

    Ella I feel triggered around the “man in the hand is worth a million in the bush”. It feels controlling while at the same time scary. I feel tension in my arms as if I want to push something away and shaking around my heart.



  344.  #344Daria on August 27, 2011 at 11:55 am

    DE it felt great you read your message to me

    you know recently… well about 6 months ago… I started getting teary about Guywho after dates with men

    and i let myself really feel that and spent a few days crying in hohote while walking down the street and wherever i was

    really HOWLING out loud

    and then i HEALED and it passed and i really feel healed!

    so maybe these tears are coming up to heal your broken heart

    it really felt like my heart was BREAKING during those cries… and that was a long time after i had completely stopped seeing Guywho at all



  345.  #345Daria on August 27, 2011 at 11:56 am

    wow i just felt kinda comfy but thinking how im not really taking myself out

    and my girl called me to invite me out dancing with the girls! woo hoo!



  346.  #346Rori Raye on August 27, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    Thank you, Jaspen – if anyone has that problem – I want to make sure you don’t get anything you don’t want! Love, Rori



  347.  #347Starla on August 27, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    i feel all soupy and emotional today

    i feel like i’m in a pool full of jello trying to swim around.

    what’s overwhelming me?

    –i have to do some editing for my side business, but i am worried I won’t be of any value to this particular customer of mine, because it’s a grad school admissions essay and so much is riding on this essay.

    –i have to get something prepared this weekend for my job. I feel soooo nervous about presenting it. What if I made a mistake? They’re looking at me under a magnifying glass for this presentation. It’s really important that all the details be 100%. (It’s a computer program and it’s my first one I designed alone and it’s for a BIG client and project…like crazy big company)

    WOW, talking about how this is for this company has me feeling excited now! Like wow what an opportunity! How cool is that! *I* am the person writing this program for these big league people. Wow I feel like i’m grinning from the inside out!

    -I was supposed to stay home last night and work on some of this stuff so my weekend wouldn’t feel so pressed, but after I talked to “My Guy” finally my friend dragged me out to take my mind off of it. So now I have a birthday party to go to tonight, and i feel completely and totally obligated to go and if i don’t go it’ll make me kind of a total b*tch, and then tomorrow a date with New Guy. And I need to get this work done! And not rush it or do a crappy job.

    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

    but i am worried what would happen if i cancelled on either of these people. id have to pick one… i hate feel obligated. i feel more obligated to my friend cuz i don’t make out with her like i do my date, so of course there’s less incentive to choose her birthday party over my date.



  348.  #348Starla on August 27, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    ok other things are overwhelming me too with emotion
    -my uncle isn’t evacuating for the hurricane and he lives on an island that is 1 mile wide in the middle of the freaking ocean. I want him to evacuate. At least he sent the wife and kid inland

    -i feel a lot of anxiety for my other family members in Queens, because we dont really ever talk….and i feel like if i were a better “daughter” i would call and check on them. but they don’t need me to see if they’re okay to actually be okay. and i’m not really a daughter in this family. my mom moved us away from all of them when i was still pretty young and then she herself was gone before i was done with high school. so i guess feeling guilty here is kind of pointless



  349.  #349DE on August 27, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    Daria #345:

    Aww…thank u 🙂

    About feeling the pain…mourning and expressing through howling…reminds me of our cultural ritual of watching the dead for 3 days…where women and men mourn next to the casket…

    While at the time, as a child, i felt extremely overwhelmed and didn’t fully understand the need for this expression…even watching my mother howling when my little sis died for months on and off, now I do understand…

    Like you, i also finally allowed myself to mourn earlier this year…and howl like a wounded animal…and healing has come sooo deeply and profound…

    The western society has changed that…not sure and honestly don’t want to know why and where it began…i just know it feels wrong …burning bodies without watching over them…focusing on “positive and niceness”…making people uncomfortable for expressing anything other than “proper” behavior…etc…sigh…

    warm hugs,



  350.  #350alias girl on August 27, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    i am stalking my couch again.



  351.  #351DE on August 27, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    Aww…thank u KS 🙂

    From the bottom of my heart I owe my transformation to (in order of occurrence):
    Myself
    Marriane Will*iamson
    Byron K*atie
    Rori Raye
    Daria
    Tinque
    Marcie Shim*off
    Katryn Wood*ward Th*omas
    Ericka Awak*ening

    and of course, everyone here that was willing to share their stories/hear my story…and of course, trigger the heck out of me…:)

    warm hugs,



  352.  #352Femininewoman on August 27, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    RE 353 Like a lioness or a jaguar on the prowl?



  353.  #353alias girl on August 27, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    if connection is what i am most looking to experience…

    what does that feel like?

    it feels (and looks) like…

    when i say something, it is acknowledged. i feel heard.

    i feel understood.

    i feel like the other person is interested in me.

    i feel like there is room for me in the conversation.

    i feel accepted. celebrated. supported. encouraged.

    ok my new experiment is to INTERJECT OFTEN

    to OVERINTERJECT

    i need to stop what i’ve been doing and i am going to try going to the other extreme even though i feel uncomfortable, “rude”, “selfish”, “no manners” etc

    i am going to experiment with interjecting things that MEAN something to ME that are about ME and then I will interject all kinds of feeling messages about ME.

    i did ok last night. some woman was rude and cut in line in front of me and her first response was “chill out”

    and i said, I feel bad. and she kept making these comments because i kept on about not wanting her in front of me because i had been there first. i kept repeating I feel bad. just kept repeating it until she became more human again. she didn’t move away right away but she eventually did. i felt hateful actually. should i have said that? no, i don’t think that would have helped.



  354.  #354alias girl on August 27, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    i feel both scared and excited.

    yikes. but i also feel more energized to think of hanging around people.

    yes! this is it. this is the ticket.

    ah, my life is nearly purrrfect for me! and it just gets better and better!

    i can’t wait to try my new experiment. people are finally going to love the Real Me!



  355.  #355alias girl on August 27, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    what will i say? often i can’t think of things to say fast enough. or i judge them as boring, or not on point or…all kinds of self judgements come up and then i don’t say them and the moment passes

    which is why i write so much. no one to interrupt or judge me. it just floooooooowwwwwwwwws.

    i will just BLURT

    BLURT AND OVERINTERJECT things that come into my mind!

    who cares!

    people do it all day everyday to me!

    i feel very amused and excited about my new experiment!!!!!

    who cares if people think i am boring? good then the can leave and that will open a space for people who don;t find me boring

    and also will weed out the ones who are just looking for captive, passive audience for their monologues!!!

    i feel SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!

    I am going to get a tattoo that says BLURT AND INTERJECT on my hand so i remember!!

    I can’t wait to be around people now and try this out!

    life looks totally different from this new perspective!

    i feel EMPOWERED! and much less victimy!

    YAE ! GO ALIAS GIRL!!!

    MUCHO CLAPPING!!!!



  356.  #356alias girl on August 27, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    Universe I would like the feeling of abundance right now!

    Universe, I would like the feeling of fun right now!

    Universe, I would like the feeling of Connection right now!

    Universe, I would like the feeling of great sex and romance right now!

    Here’s a quick abraham vid–
    try to overlook the audio quality… it is an older recording:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTLkX-2PjP0



  357.  #357DE on August 27, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    Hmm…My post #354:

    I noticed feeling hesitant to please myself on the top of the list and even listing myself…as the person i owe to my transformation and growth…

    First, came the fear followed by the NV “who do u think u are?”…fear that i would stir disapproval/annoyance/judgment…and thus alienation from others/group/tribe…

    Second, came my personal fear and self-doubt- “are u sure u owe it to yourself?”…

    It took boldness and courage of me to place myself first…as i type this, i feel overwhelmed with self-gratitude…and humbleness to Self…



  358.  #358DE on August 27, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    Ups…

    “I feel hesitant to place myself…” instead of “please”



  359.  #359Corin on August 27, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    Alias Girl,

    I feel really connected to you when I read your most recent posts. Even almost envious of your courage.

    I can so much relate to being a people pleaser and forgetting or even not knowing what to say in conversation that is truely myself rather than what I believe others will want to hear. I still lapse back into that place when my confidence is low and it feels awful. For me, blurting was a real step forward and I hope it can be for you too. I had feedback from longerm friends that they were impressed/ amazed at what I had to say. They had been deprived (and I deprived myself) of the depth of my authenticy for so long and when it came out it was often good! Yes there were times when I said things (and still do) that others perceived as socially inappropriate and I still get teased about comments I made years ago when fuly in this development. However, they almost loved me more for those comments!

    I’m learning that people actually prefer the authentic me more than the people pleasing me because deep down, they knew I was faking it.

    Blurt away, I would love for you to do so and I imagine will do so also!

    xxx



  360.  #360Corin on August 27, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    sp* OTHERS will do so also



  361.  #361alias girl on August 27, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    #362 Corin THANK YOU!!!!! i feel encouraged and understood!!!! 🙂

    I feel excited too!

    i feel good to read that your were loved More for your authenticity, even if it came out awkward sometimes. and I feel happy you had the courage to take those risks.

    🙂



  362.  #362Wildflower on August 27, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    RE: 243–DE thank you sooo much for your help!!



  363.  #363Wildflower on August 27, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    RE 315 FW and RE 316 Esteemed: Thank you both. I feel encouraged and supported.



  364.  #364Mel on August 27, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    So I wanted to update you ladies on my date yesterday. All in all I had a fabulous time, but things still feel a little ambiguous.

    On Friday I picked him up and we drove into my town. We went to this outdoor screening of an old horror show from the silent era. A live band was doing the soundtrack. It was pretty cool, but the movie was quite terrible! We ended up leaving before it finished and just going for a walk. Later, we went back to his friend’s place, where he was staying (his friend is out of town) and we had some really good conversation, a lot of wine and I quite enjoyed myself. We were going to watch a movie, but couldn’t figure out his friend’s entertainment system, so we came back to my place because neither of us wanted to call it a night. At this point is was 2 in the morning. We watched a movie together, he curled up and put his head on my shoulder (so nice!) and then he just crashed on the couch because he didn’t want me to have to drive him home. In the AM, we walked to a coffee shop for breakfast… more talking… and then I took him to see the bees. I got stung again- Ouch! But this time on my arm, so no swollen eyes at least! He’s SO fascinated by the bees and wants to come see them again soon.

    All this to say that I had a really nice time with him… and like I said, I quite like him. I’m just not sure if he sees us being more than friends. There were SO many opportunities to kiss me (sitting outside under the stars, walking, watching the movie, when we said goodbye), but he didn’t. The head on the shoulder thing was something… but not necessarily more than friendly. So I think that either he just wants to take things really slow… or he’s just not feeling that way. When I dropped him off this afternoon, he gave me a nice long hug (also very nice) but again, very ambiguous.

    I wish there was a “feminine” way to just come out and ask him, and I would be fine with the answer either way… but if he was only interested in friendship, I would not have to worry about embarrassing myself. BTW, I would absolutely want to be his friend if that’s all he was interested in.

    I think I’m just going to be patient and time will tell. For example, will he call/email me next to set up another date? This might be a good indicator. I don’t want to chase him at all.

    We had some GREAT conversations though. He is super perceptive and honest. He commented: “You really don’t like living in that house do you? I could tell that you became distant and your body language changed as soon as we walked in the door. So understandable though!” So we had a really good conversation around that.

    He’s a really cool guy.



  365.  #365Femininewoman on August 27, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    Mel I got to the line saying “I picked him up” and find myself saying why the he****ll did you?



  366.  #366DE on August 27, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    KS #367:

    I betcha is a Freudian slip…;)

    Thank you so much 🙂

    Warm hugs



  367.  #367Femininewoman on August 27, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    Mel I am not sure that that is being perceptive. I believe guys are very sensitive to our body language and our energy. At least that is my experience. Which is the reason I am sold on using honesty and feeling messages. They pick up on it any way and when we lie to cover up they know we are lying.

    He might be a slow mover but I am wondering if it is because of the energy exchnge between you two that has him stalling. I don’t feel comfortable with you picking him up and driving him around though I understand the logistics might demand that. I am wondering if he experiences that as masculine or something that a buddy would do?



  368.  #368Mel on August 27, 2011 at 3:52 pm

    FW…

    I picked him up because my town is not accessible by other forms of transport. He doesn’t own a car (actually many people don’t own cars here… it’s very much a pedestrian city, so that’s not unusual). This will all change next Thursday when I move into the city.

    He paid for all of the gas, my admission, my dinner and my breakfast. He commented that he wants to buy a car though because he “feels more like a man” when he can do the driving. LOL. I said “I get that. I feel better that way too.” He said it will be nice when I am in the city and easier to get to.



  369.  #369Starla on August 27, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    Okay, dude is not calling again!!

    again!!!

    wtf!! I feel surprised. and this is a problem for me. This stuff makes me feel hella anxious!

    i don’t want to date a guy who never calls when he says he will! ahhh this is really annoying.



  370.  #370Mel on August 27, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    Thanks for your feedback FW! You’re right in that maybe he could be thinking I’m only interested in him as a “buddy.”

    When he mentioned the change in body language, we had a really great conversation though. Lots of FM’s from me. I said that I was feeling terrible living there. That the house just didn’t have a positive energy for me. I said I was feeling really excited to move and that I felt appreciative of him bringing this up. That I felt happy that he wanted to understand what was going on with me.



  371.  #371Starla on August 27, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    i am pmsing like hell. my period should be here any minute. tick tock tick tock. could take a bazillion years to get here though. Sometimes it comes 2 or 3 weeks after my body feels like it could come any minute now.

    I cancelled my appearance at the birthday party. Cigarettes and booze and late hours aren’t going to work for me right now and I have to take care of me.

    And I feel like if I go into public I will get into some conflict or drama. I just got back from the coffee shop with my male friend and it felt terrible. I wanted to murder him on the spot. He was on my last dang nerve.



  372.  #372Mel on August 27, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    Ok… so how can I turn this around? Next time I see him (assuming there is a next time) how can I change my “buddy” vibe into a “I likes!” vibe?



  373.  #373Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    Feminine Woman,

    RE: #342 – You said, “I am also clumsy on the dance floor but I talk to myself. I tell myself I am hot, sexy and gracefully feminine. The thoughts help to change the movements.”

    I feel the same way. I was thinking about that today while I swam in the neighbor’s pool in the rain for 2.5 hours! I was dancing under water as an act of worship to God. And I reminded myself what Rori told me, to move (and dance) as if I am moving through water or jelly. That also helps me to slow down my movements to a graceful speed! 🙂



  374.  #374luzydel on August 27, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    @ 373: Starla

    You have to practice not giving your power away each time a guy does not call. My tool is I am not going to “care”. Do not look into the future, just enjoy the few minutes, dates, years a guy gives you at the present moment. If they leave, stay, hide or whaterver that is their decision; just do not depend on it to be happy.



  375.  #375Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    KS,

    RE: #351 – Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I believe your prayer was already answered! I really connected with God today in that swimming pool. I came away with peace and joy. Not all is as I wish it were with R, but at least he was kind to me today in texts.

    You must be stronger than me. I can’t stand the thot of not being around R. I promised him to only talk on a spiritual level with him. He agreed.



  376.  #376Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    Alias Girl,

    RE: #356 – having space in a conversation is very important to me. Our words are an expression of our thoughts and feelings. I am still learning to deal with talkers and interrupters.

    Here are some ways I like, but I don’t always have the presence of mind to use:

    “I feel ignored. I like two way conversations.”
    “I wasn’t finished.”
    “Let me respond to that.”

    The longer way to deal with it takes time and sometimes repetition, but I like it best for my most valued relationships, the ones worth investing the time in…I learned this by observing a U.S. Attorney, who was the most intelligent man I ever met:

    In 1990, I felt very nervous discussing my first boyfriend’s case with him (Tom), because Tom was the prosecutor and my legal knowledge was more than shaky! So I rattled off a whole monologue before I forgot and before I got interrupted.

    Finally, after about 5 minutes of talking, I ran out of words. Tom paused a good long time, scrutinizing me. Finally he said softly, “Are you finished?”

    I laughed a little self-consciously, “Yeah.”

    “Are you sure?”

    I laughed again, at myself, “Yes.”

    This incredible man memorized my every point, because he responded to them in order! By the time he was done HIS monologue, he was miles over my head, because he was using legal jargon.

    You know how a lot of people tend to look around the room when you are speaking to them? You feel their distraction, and you feel unimportant sometimes. This man was glued to my every word, every movement, every expression. His eyes bored holes through mine. I felt thoroughly listened to and understood, even tho he wasn’t nodding or commenting. He simply stared at me silently. But it was apparent that he was actively listening!

    I try to do that with my loved ones, to listen, really listen, to what they have to say. Then pause, a good long time. Then ask, “Are you finished?” …”Are you sure??” It doesn’t usually work the first time around. But I have observed that with most people, after they get to know me, they realize I am not going to interrupt, and they slow down their speech and seem quicker to listen thoroughly to me, too.



  377.  #377Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    Corin and Alias Girl,

    RE: #362 – What Corin wrote reminded me of something that happened last night at the dinner party. One older man tends to dominate the conversation with the group, like he is THE authority.

    I had some meaningful responses to another young man, and I said what I wanted to. This older man has a way of giving you the hairy eyeball to shut you up! I just gazed at him steadily, looked back to the young man, and kept right on talking. I have a right to express what I think and feel!!



  378.  #378Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    Mel,

    RE: #368 – Yay, I feel so happy to hear you had an enjoyable date! How many dates have you been on? Here’s the thing: you don’t WANT to be a girlfriend, right? I mean, Rori talks about the girlfriend trap in “Commitment Blueprint”.

    I know it’s hard, but try to just stay in the moment. Keep feeling your beautiful self as a Siren and letting your heart flow with how you feel. Does he like you? Of course he likes you! A man doesn’t spend all those many, many hours with a woman if he isn’t interested!

    You go, fly, be free! 🙂



  379.  #379Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    KS,

    RE: #381 – I feel so understood by you! Thank you!

    Hugs, Esteemed



  380.  #380Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    Mel,

    RE: #376 – I guarantee you, there will be a next time! 🙂 Focus on being a water wheel, leaning back, and visualizing yourself as water, wind, shimmering sparkles flaking all around you…Unzip your heart and express the feeling of the smooth, cool glass you are holding in your hand. Express your feeling when you gaze at the sky. Let your strength show in your vulnerability!



  381.  #381Mel on August 27, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    Hey Esteemed (love the name BTW!)

    Thanks for the encouragement!

    With this guy, it was only our second date. I have been out with 2 others, one of which has asked for a second date and have 4 that are wanting to meet me (if only I had the time!)

    I’m still feeling sireny about it all and won’t be disappointed if he only wants to be friends. Because honestly, at this point I don’t really want a “commitment” but just to explore and have fun.

    I do think that I need to work more on my “I’m interested” vibe. I think this has a lot to do with protecting myself from rejection. It was a coping mechanism in my marriage because being rejected is so very painful.



  382.  #382Jaspen on August 27, 2011 at 5:32 pm

    Esteemed: Good for you for showing “Hairy Eyeball” guy that he didn’t intimidate you!!! YES! I feel so psyched when I read about your experience!



  383.  #383Femininewoman on August 27, 2011 at 5:37 pm

    Mel I would say unzipping your heart could help. Even if you end up having a total melt down.



  384.  #384Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    Mel,

    RE: #386 – He sounds like a good man to me! I liked the exercise Rori used in one of her CD programs: she had some women come up front and handed them various objects. Then they described in feeling messages how that object made them feel.

    It was so beautiful: one woman actually got teary holding a rose or a book, something like that. It is a safe way to begin to re-learn opening up your heart! It is so easy to practice.

    Like just looking around the room I am in, I could say:

    I love to touch the soft fur of my cat, and I feel protective of her when she slides her head into the palm of my hand. I feel so competent as my fingers glide over the keyboard of the laptop. I feel so refreshed as I finally warm up from my rainy swim today! My feet feel so comfortable in my sneakers with arch support. I feel tickly as my cat’s scratchy tongue licks the back of my hand. I feel happy when I see my makeup bag made of 12 pastel-colored zippers!

    When I started using feeling messages, I found a lot of it was awareness of my surroundings. Then little by little, I became increasingly atuned to the deeper feelings going on in my body, mind, heart, and spirit!

    I feel so happy for you in your new life!



  385.  #385Jaspen on August 27, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    Alias Girl – I want to write more a little later when I can, but just wanted to share with you that I SO appreciate your sharing about your “blurting/interrupting” experiment & wanting to be heard, recognized, included, etc. I am working on the same issue, & just got back from my first CD where I started to break down that wall. I’ll jump on here a little later – I can’t wait to share with you (all), and I especially hope to connect with you, Alias, & others around healing the pattern of tolerating dates that are full of one-sided male conversation. Yay ~



  386.  #386Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 5:41 pm

    Jaspen,

    RE: #387 – Thanks! I like it when I know what I’m talking about and can speak with confidence! I feel thankful for my increasing ability to speak in public without fear.



  387.  #387Femininewoman on August 27, 2011 at 5:47 pm

    Jaspen I don’t know I find guys are so wound up about impressing especially on first dates that many times they talk a lot. My opinion is I allow them to do that especially on the first and second date because they can tell you early on what their big issues are and how they can possibly mess up. Kind of like the male lemon disclaimer law. They are likely to admit to big stuff early on. So for me talk on.



  388.  #388Jeannette on August 27, 2011 at 5:57 pm

    Tomorrow, we are having a party in the park in honor of Steve and his brother Rick. Steve’s former musician friends are going to playing for us. He was in several bands. I didn’t get to meet all of them because Steve and I didn’t see ea. other for 40 years! So anyway, I will be meeting some tomorrow. Steve and my family will be there too. I am happy but sad. Because Steve and I were planning to do this for our wedding reception. It’s such a strange thing how life is so unpredictable. Also, in 2 weeks it will have been a year since Steve proposed marriage to me. I feel sad, mad and all too many emotions still….



  389.  #389Starla on August 27, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    Okay I am working out my little scripts for if he calls later tonight…then I will talk to him when he picks me up for our date, or for if he calls in the morning or just shows up. We DO have plans…so I am going to assume as much, and I have a plan B. Thank you to all of you who have helped me work through this MASSIVE TRIGGER over the last week.

    So I am feeling a bit stronger. A lot more feeling like this is something I don’t like, and less feeling like “oh gosh i don’t want him to stop liking me.”

    I feel afraid he just isn’t going to call and then he is going to not show up. Getting stood up would feel awful. I love my fear…I love me.

    I cried in the shower today and imagined I was standing right in front of me, and I begged her not to abandon me… then I realized all I had to do was promise her I wouldn’t abandon her. That I will always be there for her, as I always have. And it was a huge turn around. I still feel freaking weepy. But that’s okay.



  390.  #390Daria on August 27, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    okay the night felt awesome!

    i listened to me when i felt bored and tired of dancing…and was just about to make the move to take care of ME and leave…

    when a guy i knew showed up! and that felt fun and i practiced 5 sec eye look

    and i practiced being Goddess Freya

    and filling up from the earth

    and then i even went to scout a bit by myself

    and then i clicked with one of the girls out with us and went scouting with her, and she was awesome and sireny

    and then we saw some guys i felt kinda interested in, she saw them first

    and we stood by them

    adn i danced on teh arm of a chair

    and then one of them talked to HER

    lol

    but i felt good !

    and tehn at the end i took a picture on a big plastic horse

    and a guy from the place was coming and basically about to say not to get on the horse

    but i asked him to hold the horse instead and got on it and he held it

    and then she took pictures

    yay it felt awesome

    and she was married

    i loved her

    and my abraham hicks worked and it just felt great

    and i noticed men looking at me and some even spoke to me and one even grabbed me

    omg i feel so smily and giddy remembering that

    mmm felt good

    go mee!

    and super happy after the mudbaths it seems my ears are not as sensitive to the earrings anymore yay!



  391.  #391Daria on August 27, 2011 at 6:23 pm

    I also practiced opening up my heart and seeing people in the club as my sister and brother … my ‘tribe’ that feels so good to me and helps me feel much more open and at ease



  392.  #392Starla on August 27, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    Daria 396

    SO much has shifted for me since i started seeing people in the world as my brother or sister. Which has actually been easier than i thought…i think it’s easier that i am an only child and don’t have a close family, so i don’t have any pre-defined ideas of how a brother or sister is supposed to really be.



  393.  #393Daria on August 27, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    If someone talks too much (weird how this either doesn’t happen to me or i don’t notice it)

    i actually feel either smily and interested or even honored when men talk a lot to me and practice level 2 listening

    if there is a LOT of talk i notice i sometimes go in my head… and then i just practice back to level 2 listening

    hmmm

    wait sometimes hawkman used to talk a lot about himself and i felt judgemental or disconnected

    hmm

    aha! yes so i see i can heal on this…

    i can say hmmm im feeling disconnected.

    or i will say in a whiny voice…

    mmm 🙁 i feel bored

    or i would just say anything but in a doggie treat voice –

    like… mmm im feeling kinda unheard

    im feeling kinda left out

    this is not really a big trigger for me, or maybe it is cuz i noticed it was bothering me with hawkman hmmm

    that seemed a lil diff tho

    feeling confused and curious



  394.  #394Daria on August 27, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    Starla – yes that tool freakin rocks to melt my judgement energy

    i want to use it more and more!

    yay for healing!



  395.  #395Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    (((Jeannette))),

    Re: #393 – I will be thinking of you and praying for you in your difficult time.



  396.  #396Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    Daria,

    RE: #395 – Yay! I am so glad you had such a good time! That is wonderful you get to spend 3 months in Romania! You are in full blossom!



  397.  #397Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    Organic Dill Pickles! Yum!



  398.  #398Mel on August 27, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    K… just got a text from him…

    him:How’s the been sting? (I got stung again today!!)

    me: Really itchy! LOL

    him: That sucks! I had an incredible time and thank you so much for that. Truly a great time and I feel so inspired I might want to tag along next week if you go. Hopefully your night is going ok. I’ll send you some pics tomorrow.

    Wow! Yay me!



  399.  #399luzydel on August 27, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    After reading what I wrote directed to Starla, I feel a bit hypocritical. I am starting to have some NV’s comming into my head. I want to be with someone and not care about commitment, future, marriage etc.
    just a a ‘cool’ relationship.

    I am feeling that Mr. nice will disappear just like all men do. That I amy give him the “cool” immage and he will stop pursuing me….Then I think so what? I will be fine. Then I felt I hid my POF too soon perhaps? Maybe keep it cool means mett others until what? Im in love? hes in love? I do not want to get obssesed with marriage or commitment right now…

    How to keep it cool when someone starts feeling a bit more than just a casual date…I tend to push men away, I fear intimacy. How to push myself to get intimacy. I feel scared 🙁



  400.  #400Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 6:48 pm

    Mel,

    RE: #403 – Happy for you!



  401.  #401Femininewoman on August 27, 2011 at 6:48 pm

    Luzydel I believe it would be inauthentic to keep it cool. Be honest with yourself and with people in your life about your feelings. Having feelings is normal.



  402.  #402Butterfly Wings on August 27, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    403: Mel – Yay Mel! Yeah I think he’s into you for sure, but is holding back for some reason. Maybe he doesn’t want to push you too fast? Did you tell him about what happened with your marriage? If that’s the case, then it could be that he’s being a total and complete gentleman and doesn’t want to scare you away.

    That’s my perception anyway, and he sounds lovely!

    And I know what it’s like to date a guy with no car. Well… TH has one but it’s being rebuilt or something, so I get to do all the driving. When I move house though, he’ll be able to use public transport to get to me which will be wonderful!



  403.  #403Mel on August 27, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    Butterfly…

    Yeah, I now do think he’s interested and that it’s just ME that’s giving a “not sure” impression. Honestly, I just think I’m so afraid of rejection that I can seem to not care sometimes.

    I need to work on that and just take a risk sometimes.



  404.  #404Jeannette on August 27, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    Thank you Esteemed. In the last 2 mo.s since Steve’s death I’ve had way too many people tell me to move on and I am not even close. Thanks for your understanding.



  405.  #405luzydel on August 27, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    406: Femininewoman

    yes I need to let these feeling of fear out. I Feel afraid of letting someone get close and me get close then get hurt, or he finding someone “better” and then I have to pick up my pieces and start over.
    I do not want to be in a relationship limbo either. I need to put my feet in the cold water and take a chance…



  406.  #406Starla on August 27, 2011 at 7:48 pm

    What is a blame-free way of saying to a man: I feel bad when i don’t hear from a man who says he will call me at X point before a date he is asking me out on. It feels like I’m on the hook about whether I should plan something else for myself.
    ??

    I have everything else about how I feel and want to express it figured out nicely though:)

    But right now this just sounds like “you didn’t call me! you suck!”



  407.  #407alias girl on August 27, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    #380 Esteemed, thank you for sharing.

    i like this one:

    “I feel ignored. I like two way conversations.”

    and i am the one who feels GUILTY for saying it! but i am certain that will fade in very short time. it’s just the first few times of new behavior that feel oh so scary.

    i liked your story with the attorney too.

    and yes sometimes i can feel myself sort of hurrying my words because i feel the person is not interested or is just WAITING to speak again. and when that happens i usually just stop speaking. i used to not want to speak if i thought people weren’t interested but in my new experiment i am going to speak anyway. and blurt and interject anything any old thing that comes into my mind.

    i’ll go to the extreme. i can pull it back later after i’ve learned my new skillz.

    i have gotten the “I’m not finished” one down though. Sometimes I have to keep repeating it. and i don’t feel bad at all. maybe a little self conscious like i’ve somehow ruined the conversation but that passes quickly too.

    it’s weird. this weird shame thing i learned for allowing and being and shining and receiving.

    receiving often feels embarrassing.

    but again, i am sure i will get over it very quickly. and then i’ll be like MORE! hehe.



  408.  #408alias girl on August 27, 2011 at 8:19 pm

    #390 Jaspen i feel good you got something out of what i wrote. for me, it is an issue across the board, with men and women and not just dates…so i am healing it in all aspects of my communication.



  409.  #409Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    Jeannette,

    RE: #409 – So sorry to hear of such a lack of comprehension of love and grief! My goodness, I’ve mourned for over a year over dogs in the past. Here are two poems for you that I hope warm your heart…

    Love, Esteemed

    Tell Me

    You feel there are no words –
    What can you say?
    I know. I’m glad you are here.
    And a touch is nice.
    But I need your words too.

    Tell me you loved my son if you did.
    Tell me you thought he was bright,
    Witty, handsome, good hearted
    You knew him in a way I did not.
    Tell me.

    Tell me of some fond memory
    Of you and my child together.
    I need all the good memories
    Of him I can gather up now –
    Even second hand ones.

    Tell me you will miss him –
    That I’m not the only one.
    Your words will make me cry,
    But your silence hurts more.
    Tell me.

    Alice Woodrome (c)

    Do not stand at my grave and weep,
    I am not there, I do not sleep.
    I am in a thousand winds that blow,
    I am the softly falling snow.
    I am the gentle showers of rain,
    I am the fields of ripening grain.
    I am in the morning hush,
    I am in the graceful rush
    Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
    I am the starshine of the night.
    I am in the flowers that bloom,
    I am in a quiet room.
    I am in the birds that sing,
    I am in each lovely thing.
    Do not stand at my grave bereft
    I am not there. I have not left.

    -Mary Elizabeth Frye



  410.  #410alias girl on August 27, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    i’ve decided to change my thought from

    people treat you different if you are beautiful or have money

    to

    i act different when i feel beautiful or abundance and thus my vibration is different and I attract different responses based on my vibration

    everything i manifest is because of my vibration. i take 100% responsibilty.

    therefore, it is within my control to attract lovely things and fine people who love me lots and treat me like the rich, beautiful, connected goddess that i am.



  411.  #411Butterfly Wings on August 27, 2011 at 8:24 pm

    415: LOVE IT AG!!! 🙂

    And it’s so sooo true!



  412.  #412Jaspen on August 27, 2011 at 8:28 pm

    Feminine Woman (And All ~): Yes, this is true, the good thing about guys talking so much is that they will often disclose a lot about themselves upfront. This is a very good thing!

    For me, though, my current healing comes from breaking the pattern of going on dates where it is ALL about the guy. Ugh. In fact, last summer I got so burned out on dating altogether because of this that after one date I came home, turned off all the lights, and sat in the dark for three hours. Then, I didn’t start dating again until, well, until just recently while finding Rori’s programs.

    So I’m starting where I left off, and I’m working on finding a – connection – between me & my date. After all, we’re all just kids wanting to be loved, right? Anyway, today I had my first date since starting Rory’s program where I took a leap and started to break this cycle.

    So as usual, the guy was going on & on & on…blah, blah, blah. And after a while of L2listening, I found myself feeling bored, and lonely.

    I don’t know how I did it, but I found a way to tell him that. I did repeat what Rori said in her TMR program, pretty much exactly, “You know, I’m here with you now, and I’m feeling lonely”. I consciously tied it into ME, and how this is a typical pattern with me in my dates, and how I want to change it. The conversation got really pretty intimate, & I ended up sharing how in my past this would typically not be an issue because I would just be acquiescent. I said that now it’s not okay because I want to feel good on my dates & I’m determined to learn how to make that happen. I also shared that I wanted to be closer to him, but wasn’t sure how, or even quite what I meant. In the past, I would bypass the natural ambiguity & tension of newly getting to know someone by allowing myself to become sexual very quickly in relationship. Now, I’ve changed that too and have new boundaries. I even asked him, so how can we be close, how can people be close & intimate with each other without jumping into sex? We both held that question for a moment. Then I think we both realized that it is in sharing directly about the awkwardness of the moment(s) that brings each other closer, helps us feel safer and “heard” or “known”.

    It was a GOOD meeting! I absolutely felt that I was “using’ my date as free therapy. I was & am so proud of myself for opening up & sharing my confusion, feeling “small” & unsure, about my past, my determination to grow, and laying out the ambiguity of the moment for both of us to hold together. I felt open & beautiful, even in what, before, I would have judged as my naivete or weaknesses.

    And best of all, because of that it was one of the first time in umpteen dates within the past year(s) that I did NOT feel bored.

    Does this all make sense to you guys??

    ~ Jaspen



  413.  #413Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 8:32 pm

    Alias Girl,

    RE: #412 – I love your experiment! I have tried all sorts of things because being interrupted or talked over is one of my NUMBER ONE triggers that can literally send me into a rage in seconds!

    I hate it because when I was growing up, every time I spoke, I was almost consistently ignored, interrupted, criticized, or told to be quiet. I grew up with the message loud and clear that my thoughts and feelings did not matter and I didn’t have the right to express them. At age 25, I didn’t know who I was, and I had the self-esteem of a slug.

    So it really is an issue for me, and I have to strive to be soft about it. K is the worst interrupter I’ve ever seen, and I have literally screamed at him on more than one occasion. When I first became aware of it was when I was with the mentally handicapped and autistic kids I used to work with at a therapeutic horseback riding farm.

    One little boy who was normally nonverbal was being required to sit on a horse. He started screaming, “Listen to me! Listen to me! Listen to me! Listen to me!”

    I got instant tears in my eyes, and I still do. In that moment, I realized that was the cry of my heart. I think it is a major reason I enjoy talking and writing so much now. And why I like Rori so much! This heart’s not going to be intimidated into silence any more!

    One time I was at a large picnic, and a man was talking my ear off. I started out with subtle feeling messages, like “I’m not finished” and “Let me respond.” Finally I stood up to leave, to communicate with my body language. Dude still kept talkin!! I said boldly and loudly, “I feel bored. I like to have two way conversations.”

    Would you believe, he still didn’t hear me, because he was talking a blue streak!!!???!!!??? So I repeated it!

    “I LIKE TO HAVE TWO WAY CONVERSATIONS!” And I walked away as the words came out of my mouth, because he was still talking.

    Emo Intelligence 101!



  414.  #414Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 8:33 pm

    Alias Girl,

    RE: #415 – Love it! Very Sireny, positive thinking! We create our reality!



  415.  #415Esteemed on August 27, 2011 at 8:39 pm

    Jaspen,

    RE: #417 – You handled that beautifully!!! Good for you!



  416.  #416Jaspen on August 27, 2011 at 8:44 pm

    Esteemed: Me too! I also grew up being consistently ignored, criticized, and undermined. A therapist once told me, “Jaspen, in order to let go of your ego, first you have to HAVE one”.

    In terms of finding our voice and the way to turn guys on to being eager to hear that voice, it seems that you and I and alias girl, at least, are all in the same boat – learning to lead the guys into rowing it 🙂



  417.  #417Femininewoman on August 27, 2011 at 9:06 pm

    Starla maybe woking on a boundary might help the situation. Rather than focussing on him not calling focus on your need to have things worked out in a reasonable amount of time before the date. So for future I would try out saying something that I need confirmation within 24-48 hours before the date otherwise I will assume you are off the planet and make other plans. You obviously do not like the uncertainty connected with last minute confirmations and I guess if you respect your time and don’t like waiting around for people because it causes you to feel impatient, that needs to be put in words.



  418.  #418Starla on August 27, 2011 at 9:13 pm

    femininewoman, that’s not my boundary. my boundary is if you make plans and then say you’re gonna call me about them before we actually go through with them, then i expect a call. he could just make plans with me and then i’ll be happy to meet up with him at that time, no phone call first. it’s the saying he’ll call me thing that throws a wrench at me. it has me feeling on the hook.

    and i hate hearing guys say “i’ll call you” if they’re not really going to. but they sound like “oh i’ll call you at x time” all serious like. lol



  419.  #419Starla on August 27, 2011 at 9:17 pm

    sooo basically all i need help with is tweaking those couple of sentences to take out the blame. i know my boundary, i just need a non blamey way to express it since it’s being crossed 2-3 times now



  420.  #420Femininewoman on August 27, 2011 at 9:22 pm

    Starla I have read and heard several theories around that so it doesn’t bother me anymore I will share some of what I have learned here. One guy earlier today told me he would call later. I respond as long as it is within a reasonable before the dogs get scared of the dark. Know what time he called, 10:30 p.m. I told him I was on the phone with my boss and if he could give me 10 minutes. Haven’t heard from and it is now after midnite.

    In any event I have heard Katherine Scott say when men say they will call they mean “before I die”. lol

    I have also read that it is a socially acceptable way to end a phone call. So they use it, not to intentionally hurt us but to be polite. It is a polite way to get off the phone.



  421.  #421Starla on August 27, 2011 at 9:48 pm

    LOL he just IM’d me on facebook while I was tweezing my eyebrows…it was so lame…ha ha ha ha ha ha….i feel full of compassion and understanding, and realizing this has nothing to do with ME when he doesn’t call. poor guy…he doesn’t know i don’t “do” this. oh well, i’ll tell him tomorrow i guess. Here’s his message he just IM’d me:

    “Got home a wee bit late, was gonna call you while in [city up north], but apparently you’re supposed to plug the charge into the wall as well as the phone, so… no dice. But! I’m quite looking forward to seeing you again tomorrow. See ya around noon :):)”

    LOL feeling amused. he logged off before I got back. to the computer.

    New script: “Thank you for trying to get in touch with me last night, and I realized last weekend that I feel crummy not hearing from men when I’ve gotten the heads up to expect a call, especially before some plans together. And I don’t like feeling this way… I feel unimportant not being able to plan my time…and then I start to wonder about you, and I feel all off balance. Is there something I should know?”

    (Let him talk)
    (Go back and forth)

    “What do you think we can do about this?”



  422.  #422alias girl on August 27, 2011 at 9:52 pm

    i was just talking talking to a new cd. we talked for about a half hour. it was good practice i was INTERJECTING and OVERINTERJECTING and BLURTING and it went ok. even though i still felt bored.

    and then the info came out that he still lives with his mom. and that’s just a dealbreaker for me. and he had this weird reasoning and then the reasons why changed and they still didn’t sound legit and i just..

    can’t. i don’t want. ew.

    plus i wasn’t really feelin’ it anyway and felt kind of happy to have a really good reason not to continue further.



  423.  #423Starla on August 27, 2011 at 9:54 pm

    Wow I can’t wait to tell him this! I feel so great about telling him about my boundary and opening up the discussion about how *i* feel good, that I am probably going to be totally glowing tomorrow when the words come out of my mouth. I am feeling so so so good. And so so so not angry toward him.

    Yes:):)



  424.  #424Starla on August 27, 2011 at 9:56 pm

    Also I feel relieved having positive indication that I should be ready for our date tomorrow. Though I had/have a Plan B, so it shouldn’t make a difference in practice, but it does feel so much better knowing what is fair to expect of my day tomorrow:)



  425.  #425Starla on August 27, 2011 at 9:58 pm

    Maybe take out “I start to wonder about you.”



  426.  #426alias girl on August 27, 2011 at 9:58 pm

    #416 BW & # 419 Esteemed 🙂 !!!

    Thank you! I feel puffed up!



  427.  #427Starla on August 27, 2011 at 10:00 pm

    I’m thinking…I am so interesting and will be looking so cute tomorrow that I can say basically whatever I want about not wanting to be strung along for promised phone calls. This whole non-blamey communication is just an AWESOME bonus he gets…for being with a woman who believes he deserves it because all men deserve respect. Lucky lucky guy:)

    I am feeling soooo much better.



  428.  #428alias girl on August 27, 2011 at 10:01 pm

    #418 Esteemed. i can relate. i feel so happy we are learning to speak up and have boundaries and learn ways of communicating that FEEL GOOD!!!!

    i also feel relief. like finally. this has been an issue and now i really feel like it’s dissapating into thin air.

    like i actually feel like this issue i have had my entire life will be gone my the end of next week. i feel very curious and kind of magical.



  429.  #429Starla on August 27, 2011 at 10:06 pm

    It is pretty remarkable how large the positive shift is in my vibe when I get any indication of certainty of impending plans. Reliability must feel really important to me. I feel so glad to have learned this about myself! Now I can use that knowledge to take care of myself, and not have to feel weird about telling men about how a Starla must take care of herself.



  430.  #430Starla on August 27, 2011 at 10:21 pm

    Hmm…my feelings have turned into… “i feel very at ease when I know for sure whether plans are on or off.”

    i wonder if I could focus more on this positive thing in my script?



  431.  #431Butterfly Wings on August 27, 2011 at 10:56 pm

    Watching a Tony Robbins training webinar on FB right now and thought you all might be interested. Very interesting!!

    http://click.icptrack.com/icp/relay.php?r=25043449&msgid=339982&act=OKO2&c=556150&destination=http%3A%2F%2Fapps.facebook.com%2Frobbinsmadanes%2F



  432.  #432nikita on August 27, 2011 at 11:12 pm

    hurricane irene….wow



  433.  #433Butterfly Wings on August 27, 2011 at 11:17 pm

    Stay safe sirens! xxx



  434.  #434Butterfly Wings on August 28, 2011 at 2:16 am

    Woah! After watching the Tony Robbins videos, I’ve realised that TH has been stepping up and showing he cares about me in at least some way for a lot longer than I gave him credit for.

    I can’t remember the words that were used but in one part Tony was talking about how when a man really feels “it” for a woman, she can push him away over and over again, but if he really feels it for her, he’ll stick around despite all of that. Nothing she says can make him go away if he doesn’t want to go.

    I can’t count how many times I pushed TH away, told him it was over, told him to go find somebody else, told him I wanted him to dump me, over and over again. But each and every time, he would somehow draw me back, offering me hugs and comfort and a shoulder to cry on….showing me why I felt for him like I did (and still do – although I’m not so “invested” in him anymore).

    And yep he’s still here and he’s giving to me, and we spend most of our free time together and things are great.

    My problem before was that I was focused on the negatives. Every little thing he said or did I took personally and as a sign that he was going to hurt me “any second now”. Of course when you focus on the negatives, that’s what you get. So things weren’t great back then at all.

    Now that i’m only focused on the good stuff, that’s all I get!

    I feel very special right now! 🙂



  435.  #435Daria on August 28, 2011 at 4:16 am

    okay! so in my dream there was this guy who wanted to date me but i felt kinda scared and unsafe

    but i kept my boundaries and he was pursuing me

    then i was also in a videogame with a bunch of children and older children where magical stuff kept happening like a car popping out teh laek and a new chareacter coming on the scene

    and one mother sent her lil girl to tell me “ok you can be quiet now” and i said aww “and told her to tell her mother she can too”

    and then i felt guilty and i love me

    and there was lots of stuff before either of those 2dream parts that i dont remember

    but some of it was about me telling this guy he’s a chango



  436.  #436Jeannette on August 28, 2011 at 5:57 am

    Esteemed, that was soooo very kind of you to send me those poems. I feel a little better at the moment. I read a book on near death experiences last night and this one said that our loved ones are here in this earthly sphere. They move about us. They can see us. It gave me great comfort to know my beloved Steve is so near. I can even feel him at times, I’ve felt his soft kiss on my lips…..so comforting….He is my love of my life and know one can take that from me…



  437.  #437Jilly on August 28, 2011 at 6:16 am

    Goodmorning Sirens!!!

    It has been sooooo long since I’ve posted…I feel happy that I finally feel refreshed enough to. My schedule has been crazy with work and going to school and men (somewhere in there)

    So for the last few months I’ve been CDing…but they are all my ex’s!!! lol pipeliner, hotpilot, cuteskierguy, and the very latest…the man who brought me to Rori a year and a half ago….familyman!!!!

    Yes familyman is back in my life….I can’t believe it..I feel shocked and excited and nervous and happy ALL at the same time 🙂

    He contacted me on FB a few weeks ago and even though it was kinda difficult I’ve let him totally row the boat…and he’s had to initiate…so on Friday he called (I happened to be talking to hotpilot at the time hehe) he left a message

    “so…who’s this new Jilly that’s playing hard to get…who doesn’t ever text or call first”

    me…WHA??? lol I didn’t know how to respond lol

    anyway it felt awesome being with him again..golfing felt super fun and dinner tasted super yummy and then we went back to his house and got cozy and snuggled up (NO sex) i made sure 🙂

    anyway…this is the first man I’ve EVER felt that I would marry in a heart beat…so he’s had a lot of pull on me…



  438.  #438Mel on August 28, 2011 at 6:22 am

    Nice to see you around again Jilly!



  439.  #439Jilly on August 28, 2011 at 6:22 am

    So…I feel confident with my skills of leaning back and being my sirenself ….in most scenarios now…

    but all of a sudden I’m feeling second guessy lol family man….like if I lean back he’s going to think I’m not interested….or he’s going to lose interest…or think I’m playing games…but if that’s the case then he’s not for me

    but I know leaning back and letting go of the oars… that it draws them in..I’ve experienced it over and over…I think that I totally overfunctioned before with him and he didn’t have the space to pursue and keep falling in love…i’m almost positive because I initiated almost all contact!!!! lol



  440.  #440Jilly on August 28, 2011 at 6:23 am

    Mel ((((hugs)))) good to see you!!! 🙂 I’ve been able to read a little here and there…so I recall that you have a little apartment now?? 🙂



  441.  #441Jilly on August 28, 2011 at 6:28 am

    Jeannette…((((Hugs)))) to you

    Daria…I loved what you wrote above about loving your body and not comparing…it felt so loving and soft and magnetic to read….I practice doing the same thing 🙂

    I realize its in my vibe..

    even if I don’t feel thin and lean…my men always tell me I have the perfect body…makes me wonder why I even worry about it…but I do still…but it’s a good reminder to love our body’s



  442.  #442Jilly on August 28, 2011 at 6:36 am

    So I feel pulled to go on a little nature hike this morning….

    I’ve spent two months of summer indoors and I feel trapped and cooped up…from 6 am til 10 pm 🙁 I’m soooo looking forward to being laid off at the end of september so I can just go to school …

    I have this dream of snowshoeing and skiing and exercising outside all winter ….I can’t stop thinking about being outside…lol

    I’ve missed being here…hope everyone has a great Sunday 🙂



  443.  #443Lyka on August 28, 2011 at 6:55 am

    Hello, I am new here and I need some help. I’ve been reading this blog (very interesting) for the past few days and I hope that you can help me get out of a difficult situation.

    I realize that this is mostly a blog about relationships with men but I also feel that relationships with our bosses and coworkers fit into that category, since we have to deal with them on an almost daily basis.

    So, my dilemma is the following: last week, my boss decided to cut my working hours while telling me that I was a good worker anyway, that even though I worked less hours than the other girl I work with, I made more money than her. She is not a hard person to talk to but I feel like she is being unfair to me. I just don’t understand her logic. She also made up some things about my attitude (I know she’s wrong about that) I’ve been feeling confused (and angry, yes) ever since she told me that and I’d like to express these thoughts to her, but in a non-judgemental way.

    I don’t feel like working there anymore but I live in a small city and there are not a lot of jobs available. However, I brought my resume to another store and I’m still waiting for a phone call.

    I came up with this little speech but I wonder if it’s the proper way of saying things:

    “J., I feel like your decision to cut my hours is unfair since I brought more money to the store than S. did, while working less hours. I would really like you to explain why and how you came up with that decision.”

    I hope you sirens can help me with that. I’ve been feeling miserable since that day and I hate it. I thought things were going well but she obviously sees things otherwise. Thank you for your attention.



  444.  #444Geek Girl on August 28, 2011 at 7:00 am

    Hi everyone (Hi Rori!),

    I’m a long time reader, but I haven’t commented before. I’ve noticed that a lot of people are frustrated by the inability to reply directly to individual comments. If anyone who maintains this site is reading this, have you checked out Disqus? It’s a free commenting widget for blogs that allows Liking and direct replies.

    http://disqus.com/

    I use it for my blog, and it’s great.



  445.  #445Susan on August 28, 2011 at 7:02 am

    RE: 409: Jeannette

    Dealing with a loved one’s death is a huge undertaking. Those who think you can easily get over it simply don’t understand. They want you to make THEM feel okay, and that isn’t your job. Take as long as you need to work through the grief. (It took me 7 years.)



  446.  #446Emerson on August 28, 2011 at 7:07 am

    259 Starla & 260 Jaspen
    Thank you 🙂



  447.  #447Susan on August 28, 2011 at 7:09 am

    RE: 411: Starla says:

    “What is a blame-free way of saying to a man: I feel bad when i don’t hear from a man who says he will call me at X point before a date he is asking me out on. It feels like I’m on the hook about whether I should plan something else for myself.
    ??”

    IMHO, there is no blame-free way of saying that. Just go do something else and when he calls, YOU will be too busy to see him. If he is interested in you, your ACTIONS will tell him he has to reserve your time ahead of time in order to spend time with you. That is what CDing is about – Your life is so busy and interesting that he has to WORK for your attention.



  448.  #448Emerson on August 28, 2011 at 7:11 am

    206: Camille says:
    For any of you who are worried that you messed up or made a mistake by leaning forward with someone you really like or love……….I have been leaning forward and messing up with the same guy for 9 years! I am proof that once you learn Rori’s tools and actively put them to use………even 9 years of negative patterns and mistakes can be erased!
    Just thought that might make some of you feel better.
    If these tools can begin to work for me they will work for anyone……….I guarantee it
    ************************

    Camille
    Thank you for saying this.
    I feel like I leaned forward too much with recycledCD and he even told me in the past that I was too pushy. 😯
    Since using Rori’s tools, the vibe between us changed and it’s been better, I’ve leaned back a lot more.
    However I messed up yesterday when talking to him, I was feeling angry and asked a question in a roundabout way and it did not go over well…

    We worked it out but I feel NV telling me I suck sometimes, and I’m too pushy because I’ve had to find my own way in life and look out for myself…

    Hmm I feel confused, but hopeful reading your post nonetheless



  449.  #449Susan on August 28, 2011 at 7:13 am

    RE: 147 Jaspen said

    ““You know, I’m here with you now, and I’m feeling lonely”. ”

    BRILLIANT!



  450.  #450Susan on August 28, 2011 at 7:14 am

    Oops! 447!



  451.  #451Emerson on August 28, 2011 at 7:16 am

    (((((SLV)))))
    Aww….SLV are you ok? I am sending hugs your way….and hope you are alright.



  452.  #452Susan on August 28, 2011 at 7:17 am

    DOH 417. Apparently I am mixing numbers up this morning



  453.  #453luzydel on August 28, 2011 at 7:27 am

    I can see the effects of not being pushy and leaning backward, though sometimes I doubt myself and get a little insecure.

    “D” txt me to make sure I was ok after the Huracane; I know he is not up for a relationship and he wants to be a FWB, but it feels good he was a little concern. Another POF guy also checked on me, and “nice CD” is around. I wish I can become a master at Cding, without hurting anyone, getting hung up, feeling guilty or getting out of control.

    @ Jilly:
    I admire, the way you handle these men, without playing games and being open. I want to get there some day; until one of them wins me over totally.



  454.  #454Susan on August 28, 2011 at 7:29 am

    453: Emerson & Camille

    You are both SO right about this!

    SweetMan asked me to check through our old emails to find the date we began seeing each other again so that we can celebrate our one year anniversary (the date is October 29). As I re-read the old emails, I can now see what I couldn’t see before ~ I was totally leaning forward and over-functioning. Shortly after we began again (after a 4 year split) he began showing signs of leaving again. That is when I found Rori and changed my way of dealing with SweetMan. And now we are approaching our first full year together and are happy!



  455.  #455Esteemed on August 28, 2011 at 7:43 am

    Jilly,

    RE: #442 – Welcome back! Did you used to go by another name?



  456.  #456Esteemed on August 28, 2011 at 7:52 am

    Lyka,

    RE: #448 – Welcome! Here’s a suggestion:

    “J., I feel really bad about my hours being cut. When you have a moment, I would like to discuss this, please.”

    Let her respond, and if it is a good moment, then continue…

    “J., are you aware that I generated more income for the store than S. did, while working less hours? (Here you may even want to come armed with documentation to prove your productivity). I would like to understand why and how you came up with that decision.”

    Let her respond, and then carry on the conversation from there.

    Some more ideas:

    “I feel like I’m being penalized for being a good producer. That feels really bad!”

    “I feel indignant. It would feel good to be rewarded when I do my job well.”



  457.  #457Esteemed on August 28, 2011 at 7:55 am

    Geek Girl,

    RE: #449 – Welcome! Thanks for the suggestion! Let’s see what Rori thinks…



  458.  #458Mel on August 28, 2011 at 7:55 am

    Hey Jilly,

    Yes! I got a cute little place and I move-in on Thursday. Sooooooo excited!



  459.  #459Esteemed on August 28, 2011 at 7:58 am

    Susan,

    RE: #452 – You said, “Just go do something else and when he calls, YOU will be too busy to see him.”

    Bingo! Yes, this is along the lines of what Rori says. Let’s say he calls a half hour before. You could let the call go to voicemail and then after the fact say something like, “I feel sad I didn’t get to go out with you. I was really looking forward to it. But when I didn’t hear from you, I made other plans.”



  460.  #460Esteemed on August 28, 2011 at 7:59 am

    Starla,

    RE: #411 – Oops, I just realized my last post should have been directed to you, and that Susan was responding to your post.



  461.  #461Esteemed on August 28, 2011 at 8:03 am

    Where I am, it’s still raining lightly with a nice brisk wind. It rained heavily yesterday and all last night. There are two trees fallen across the driveway where I am staying.

    How is everyone else who was in the hurricane? SLV, is Sweetie keeping you company?



  462.  #462luzydel on August 28, 2011 at 8:04 am

    So I am finally able to purchase one of the programs. I got a raise and will do something for myself (any sugestions).
    after having no electricity for a few hrs. i started thinking and realized that I was about to make the same mistake I did with “d”…being exclusive just because I was feeling guilty talking to other guys when “Nice CD” is being so amazing. He has not mention anything and we both have out pof profile open. So i guess talking and being flateered by other men is the way to go to avoid another “d” scenario.

    I will not get exclusive any more for a man who has not tell me he loves me and wants to be only with me. If he does not feel I am the one yet, then there is not reason for me to become his one for nothing. this is going to be a bit hard, specially with all these stupid ideas I got from people on how a woman “should” behave.



  463.  #463Esteemed on August 28, 2011 at 8:16 am

    Luzydel,

    RE: #467 – I suggest Commmitment Blueprint!



  464.  #464Ella on August 28, 2011 at 8:28 am

    I feel worried that Plum is not going to come back and the thought is that it is my fault.

    I feel guilty.

    🙁



  465.  #465English Woman on August 28, 2011 at 8:28 am

    #460 E

    I was just thinking the exact same thing……Familyguy? Golf? Looks like Susan Sarandon? 😀

    Or SS maybe or Renee? Where are those sirens nowadays?

    Anybody hear from Meemee these days and how she is doing?

    Hope SVL is OK with that shocking hurricane you have over there……



  466.  #466Starla on August 28, 2011 at 8:29 am

    So are you all saying that I shouldn’t be giving him any sort of script about not calling?

    I can’t make other plans…he did let me know we will have plans. He just didn’t call to do it when he said he would. Same thing last weekend, and then he ended up cancelling (2 hours after we were supposed to hang out lol!)

    This not calling when you say you will thing needs to be addressed. It’s no joke. it really bothers me…i’m not going to stuff this down.

    i feel a little misunderstood here but i am PMSing like hell so everything feels SERIOUS hehe, LOVE YOU LADIES



  467.  #467Ella on August 28, 2011 at 8:33 am

    I am feeling a lil insecure today, purely because I drank last night.

    I did so well last weekend, following some help and coaching from Daria… and I went out and only drank moderately.

    But last night I fell back into my old patterns.

    I started the night well, pacing my drinking and having water in between.

    But then my friend started buying tequilas and I said no at first but he bought them anyway.

    And then I did drink them.

    And he kept buying me more wine.

    It was my own choice not his fault, and I am realising it also makes a difference who you go out with!!

    Welll, nevermind.

    I love me anyway.

    And just going to climb right back on the wagon again.



  468.  #468luzydel on August 28, 2011 at 8:41 am

    I thought we could purchase RR’s videos online and watch them through the computer…Is this possible?



  469.  #469Ella on August 28, 2011 at 8:48 am

    Luzydel,

    Yes we can do that.

    xoxox



  470.  #470Ella on August 28, 2011 at 9:04 am

    Thinking I may blog about my journey of gradually overcoming my drinking issues slowly, on my website.



  471.  #471English Woman on August 28, 2011 at 9:16 am

    #Ella

    Wouldn’t you be better doing it on here for support and encouragement and where you are anonymous??



  472.  #472English Woman on August 28, 2011 at 9:18 am

    #475 Ella

    Sorry I forgot to put up the post number – duh!



  473.  #473luzydel on August 28, 2011 at 9:26 am

    474: Ella

    Is there a link?

    🙂



  474.  #474Wildflower on August 28, 2011 at 9:40 am

    Re 448: Lyka wow I would feel pissed off too! I like the suggestions Esteemed had. Not sure how familiar you are with Rori’s teaching. She often tells us to keep the words “you” and “your” out of it. I guess this triggers defensiveness in people.



  475.  #475Ella on August 28, 2011 at 9:40 am

    Hmmm, just working something out here.

    With NewCD I actually leaned forward by accident!

    I was just on FB and suddenly he popped up with an IM saying ‘did you get the text? ‘

    I replied that I had just got home and my battery was flat… and no have not recieved a text.

    Then he replied and said the message was from the other day! Not today! He hadn’t IM-ed me at all!

    Eeeek.

    Well we chatted anyway. And his replies were taking ages and tbh I am realising it felt bad that he was taking so long to reply.

    I felt triggered around wondering if his full attention was not on me… he was also chatting to other people, and NVs like that.

    But it was not a big trigger… ie it didn’t bother me a whole lot… so I didn’t express.

    The other day I expressed this with another CD who was taking ages replying and it led to a nice open conversation, and my NV assumptions about why he was taking so long turned out to be incorrect anyway.

    So not sure why I didn’t express this time.

    Anyway he has left FB and gone for some dinner now. And he said ‘I will prob be back on here later if you are on here and fancy a chat?’

    And I said, yes that will feel nice.

    However now I am not too sure that I do want to do that. I mean I like talking to him… and the thing is I don’t really like IM very much and have bad experiences of using it with J.

    I feel afraid.

    Hmmm, ok somthing to heal here then… or a boundary?

    I kinda have a flexible boundary around not too much IM.

    Not sure where to go with this here.

    I don’t want to play games by not being available or whatever, although I know very well I don’t have to be available. But I am here on the computer and prob will be later and prob will be on FB too.

    So, I wonder whether to… and how to, express this??

    I want to get out of this slight lean forward vibe with NewCD too.

    We had a lovely text convo after he dropped me off yesterday and I expressed my boundary that I will not date men who are not really into me.

    His reply was “I agree and I like you (I told you that) however I believe when dating someone for a while you get to know tha person better and feelings can escalate from there. If we spend time together that would be good! After all we have only spent a few hours together! What do you think? xx”

    To be honest I do know what he means… and it just feels like man logic. Lol.

    It may not be realistic but I do want a man who is wildy head over heels for me from the first meeting and wants all my time and is coming at me hard.

    But I had pretty much already expressed this so there was no point in saying it again. And also his message was quite nice and felt kinda ‘awww 🙂 ‘

    So I went with “Lol @ NewCD! Yep I get that. I like how you put things. That is cool 🙂 … Am looking forward to the band tonight and hope that we (me and my friends) have a dance”

    He wrote back that he like how I put things… cute and innocent… 🙂

    And that was yesterday.

    Then the first contact today was my accidental lean forward.

    And now I feel a lil off balance again.

    And as though I am waiting on him which doesn’t feel good. But I am not.

    Ok, so how do I switch up this situation and vibe without playing games?

    What can I say or do here for me?



  476.  #476luzydel on August 28, 2011 at 9:42 am

    Another thing about feeling guilty…
    NiceCD has taken me to very nice fancy places; I recently found out by him that he lost his job last year. He owns an apartment building and I guess that helps him. Friday we went to nice very fancy restaurant at the beach, he paid, but in my mind I was thinking that maybe i should have offered to pay part of it. He seems not to mind and he chooses this places, I wont mind if it is even a FF restaurant, but he chooses to take me to these very nice and expensive places and I wonder if he can really afford them right now. That makes me feel guilty. I wonder if deep inside is guilty feeling or my inability to accept nice things and feel that I deserve them.



  477.  #477Ella on August 28, 2011 at 9:56 am

    Ok.. how about I send a message while he is gone saying something like “Hey. It would feel good to chat on IM and actually I don’t really like too much IM. Face to face communication always feels better to me”

    But that would be leaning forward.
    So, WAIT Ella.

    Until he contacts you.

    And in the meantime do what I need to do to take care of me. Including coming off FB if I need/want to.

    I don’t have to worry about taking care of him and his feelings… only me.

    Yep.

    And I don’t have to worry about upsetting him, or not being available.

    That is all fine too.

    I just need to love and take care of me.

    That is best for everyone.

    And if I feel like going back on later I can.

    Yes that feels good.

    Think I will go with that.

    I don’t want to keep triggering myself by feeling like I am waiting for him, when I am not.

    Ok, that is a plan.

    Well Done Ella 🙂 xxx



  478.  #478Jaspen on August 28, 2011 at 10:04 am

    Good Morning Sirens!

    I’m just on for a moment but I wanted to strongly agree with Geek Girl’s suggestion for a response based forum! http://disqus.com/

    It would also be a real support if there were a way to connect in person, face-to-face with women in our local communities who are working with Rori’s programs. I wish there were a category in the blogs here where we could find each other.



  479.  #479Rori Raye on August 28, 2011 at 10:04 am

    Ella – if Plum doesn’t come back it’s not because of you…I am always the trigger here…and the rest is only what IS. I love Plum and hope she comes back, too…Love, Rori



  480.  #480Ella on August 28, 2011 at 10:05 am

    Butterfly Wings re the Pole Dancing.

    Yay!

    It is GREAT isn’t it!!

    xoxox



  481.  #481Ella on August 28, 2011 at 10:06 am

    Rori

    Thank you.

    I feel better 🙂

    xoxox



  482.  #482Jaspen on August 28, 2011 at 10:08 am

    “Your comment is awaiting moderation”
    Okay, I’ll try again……

    Good Morning Sirens!

    I’m just on for a moment but I wanted to strongly agree with Geek Girl’s suggestion for a response based forum! DubDubDub.disqus-dot-com

    It would also be a real support if there were a way to connect in person, face-to-face with women in our local communities who are working with Rori’s programs. I wish there were a category in the blogs here where we could find each other.

    I, for example, am in Nevada County, California, if anyone’s interested. Do contact me at Jaspenji-at-yahoo-dot-com

    ~ Jaspen



  483.  #483Jaspen on August 28, 2011 at 10:12 am

    Oh, Hi Rori!
    It’s great to see you here! What do you think about my last post re: the forum suggestions??
    ~ Jaspen



  484.  #484Ella on August 28, 2011 at 10:12 am

    Also feeling triggery around if he thinks I am playing games… by not being available, esp when I just posted something on my profile…

    But you know what it doesn’t even matter what he thinks!

    Only how I feel.

    Owww, I do feel sefish now!

    I LOVE my selfish.

    I LOVE my triggers.

    Yay, go me.



  485.  #485Wildflower on August 28, 2011 at 10:13 am

    RE 480: Ella I feel a little confused about the question but I can share some things that popped in to my head. I always feel triggered sharing my “thoughts” since my NVs tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about. But since I ask for help from time to time I’ll go ahead 🙂

    I’m wondering if you’re maybe being a little hard on yourself about the “lean forward” thing? I mean it truly was a mistake (unless deep down you knew it was an old message but I didn’t get that impression). I doubt your vibe reflected pushy, lean forwardness.

    I can see what you mean about the waiting around thing. I guess I”m wondering if he set a specific time with you? I suppose if not than you can only decide at the time he IMs you whether you’ve already become busy with someone else or are available at that time. Does that makes sense? If you miss him a message will pop up in your inbox so you can respond later…

    Are you feeling a little tied to an outcome since you experimented with this guy? (Maybe that’s me projecting my issues on you).



  486.  #486Ella on August 28, 2011 at 10:14 am


  487.  #487Starla on August 28, 2011 at 10:15 am

    our date is in less than an hour and i feel so shaky. i feel like i shouldn’t say anything to him about it now..but i have all these bad feelings about it, and my vibe feels off.

    i feel so confused reading the various conflicting advice here, and i don’t know what to do:(



  488.  #488Ella on August 28, 2011 at 10:16 am

    I am just going to hang out here with you Lovely Sirens today, instead of on FB…

    And in a min I am going to eat some lovely dinner with my housemates.

    🙂



  489.  #489Rori Raye on August 28, 2011 at 10:24 am

    Jaspen – I edited out your personal email and info and want to encourage each of you to either NOT put up your email address – or create a NEW email address that you’re willing to have all over the web, that’s not personal to you or linked to your personal info….perhaps another way to do this for those of you who like to write is a personal blog with a contact page….Love, Rori Let me know if it’s an email address you’re willing to expose so I won’t automatically delete it…

    Also – I’m looking into discus….just so you know – I once tried a “threaded” comment system – and most everyone hated it because they couldn’t get the full flow of comments…it just didn’t feel right trying to go between the different threads that developed. After awhile it became more complex and less fun…perhaps this is a better system, tho, so I’ll check it out…. I personally don’t like the social media all involved with it – it feels less personal to so many women who don’t want their comments showing up anywhere but here…Love, Rori



  490.  #490Ella on August 28, 2011 at 10:25 am

    Wildflower,

    Thank you.

    Your thoughts are very helpful to me.

    Yes I am often quite hard on myself… and yes was a genuine mistake with the IM thingy.

    And Yes I am a little bit hoping for an outcome even though I know we are not supposed to 🙁

    I find this habit hard to break when I am interacting with a guy I like!!

    Its just practice Ella… its just practice, just practice, just practice!

    Ok, regarding the rest of it. No specific time was set he just said he would probably be on FB later if I was and wanted to chat.

    So no set commitment or anything.

    I have come off there now cus was feeling triggered about feeling like I was ‘waiting’ and looking for him… and that wasn’t feeling good in my vibe.

    So the best way to take care of me was to come off, and that is what I have done.

    And I am going downstairs for some dinner soon anyway.

    May check back into FB later if I feel like it.

    Thank you Wildflower for helping me to work this out. Your contribution feels good to me.

    xoxox



  491.  #491Ella on August 28, 2011 at 10:28 am

    English Woman,

    Ah, yes probably actually.

    Good thinking.

    Maybe once I have overcome uit and it is in the past I will write about it then on my site.

    Thank you!

    xoxox



  492.  #492Wildflower on August 28, 2011 at 10:37 am

    Okay trying to improve my ability to communicate my feelings. I feel insecure doing this since you all are about to see just how clumsy with words I can be (love my insecurities…yeah for me trying to improve).

    I wrote out some scripts this morning. Any feedback is absolutely appreciated. I’m trying to focus on improving rather than pondering if that makes sense.

    First Scenario:
    HM: Have you told your brother/family about me?

    ME: I haven’t. I feel nervous. I feel worried I’m bad with relationships so I sometimes keep things like this to myself. I should tell them I have a date with a handsome man (I kind of combined two separate conversations).

    Potential Improved Version
    HM: Have you told your bro/family about me?

    ME: Wow HM it feels touching to be asked. Truthfully I haven’t yet. A part of me feels excited and really wants to. But a big part of me feels more comfortable waiting until we get to know one another better and have communicated whether we’re on the same page.

    Can I ask you a question? (pause for response). Now I feel really curious. You’ve brought this up a couple of times. Is this something that is important to you? (listen at level 2)



  493.  #493Wildflower on August 28, 2011 at 10:46 am

    Okay here is my second scenario:

    HM: How is eharmony going for you?

    ME: This feels difficult to talk about. I can feel my body getting warm.

    Potential Improved Version:

    HM: How is eharmony going for you?

    ME: Wow it feels good to be asked. Oh my goodness I can feel my body getting warm (smile). I have to admit I feel very overwhelmed by the question. I’m wondering if you could be a little more specific?



  494.  #494Wildflower on August 28, 2011 at 10:49 am

    RE 495: Thanks Ella. Hugs 🙂



  495.  #495Ariadne on August 28, 2011 at 11:00 am

    Hello Sirens! I’m new here and Love you all. I just got started, and got Rori’s e-book and am awaiting M D Sirens CD’s. Can anyone tell me what Riffing is? Xo Ariadne



  496.  #496Wildflower on August 28, 2011 at 11:01 am

    Sirens I’m feeling a bit confused. Kind of at a crossroads I guess. Wondering how others might handle this.

    Been dating this guy for almost two months. We go out about once per week. The dates have always been initiated by him. On the dates I physically lean back, express feeling messages, listen at level two. He in turn initiates physical intimacy, pays or cooks for me, asks me questions about my life and family.

    I had been doing one major lean forward behavior–driving to him most of the time. I rationalized it was because I was staying with relatives. I completely cut that out this past date and he drove to me. He teased me that it was far but was still a gentleman and seemed to lean forward.

    I haven’t heard from him in a week.

    I’m leaving to fly back to the country I live in very soon.

    Do I continue to fill up my life with other things and let him decided when and if he wants to call me again?

    Is it possible I’ve leaned back so far (or wasn’t vulnerable enough) that he is waiting for me to initiate a text or call this time? Or is this line of thinking just “classic” wanting to lean forward and “make something happen?”

    Thanks 🙂



  497.  #497Ella on August 28, 2011 at 11:33 am

    Luzydel:

    http://www.redsirens.co.uk

    Or just click on my name.

    xoxox



  498.  #498Ella on August 28, 2011 at 11:39 am

    Oh sorry Luzydel… do you mean to Rori’s online programmes?

    I don’t know I think you just have the option of buying them as online viewing whenever you purchase one of her programmes.

    Aplogies I thought you were asking for the link to my website…

    xoxox



  499.  #499Ella on August 28, 2011 at 11:48 am

    Starla,

    I can relate to how you feel. I always feel scared when I am expressing negative feelings or new boundaries.

    And what a great chance to practice.

    I would say something like ‘It feels great spending time with you and actually I feel a little bad when people say they will call me and then don’t call. I feel happier and more secure when people follow through.”

    Pause for response.

    And then maybe “Confirmed plans feel good.”

    Any use for your Starla.

    I hope the date goes well and you are brave and practice expressing.

    xoxox



  500.  #500Ella on August 28, 2011 at 11:54 am

    Wildflower re 497,

    I LOVE your improved script!

    I think it is GREAT!

    🙂 xoxox



  501.  #501Tmizz on August 28, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    I feel so happy reading the blog today!

    Although, I still have a lot of posts to catch up on. In the meant time: Starla –

    “Okay, dude is not calling again!!

    again!!!

    wtf!! I feel surprised. and this is a problem for me. This stuff makes me feel hella anxious!”

    I *know* what you mean. Me too. Totally. And *especially* when I’m PMSing. Even when I know it’s the hormones, I still feel everything that much more intensely. ((hugs)) and hope it passes soon.

    Esteemed: I so felt what you are saying about needing a lot of physical contact, connection and love. I feel the same way. And I know it sounds cheap, but I’m just working on what I hear all the time, which is that it’s really about learning how to love yourself and give yourself what you need first. But I also know that that feels like kind of a double-bind, because you can do that – you can give yourself all the love you want – but it doesn’t replace actually feeling from another person. On the other hand, it seems like being able to do that, and to really take care of yourself is the way into being able to truly feel and receive that from another person.

    maybe there is nothing “wrong” with us. Maybe we just are the way we are. Maybe our wanting and needing lots of cuddling/contact/connection are just natural, lovable, soft, juicy, lovely parts of who we are. And the right guy for us just wants to give us all that stuff all the time…ANd be super manly. 😉

    Sucks waiting for him, tho. lol



  502.  #502Ella on August 28, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    Hmmm Wildflower re 501 I am not sure.

    If it is me, I usually want to lean forward when I am feeling invested and want to initiate something… its usually because the guy has dropped the ball some and I want him to pick it back up again… or he is not going fast enough for me and I feel impatient and want to make something happen.

    For me the only time leaning forward feels ok is when I am feeling totally Rockstar, and I couldn’t care less about the outcome.

    Having said that when I am dating a man, and being really good about leaning back, I often send him the odd text or give the a very rare call, as a treat, and just to spice up the mix a bit… and they like it.

    And then I will lean firmly back again.

    However the feel I get from your post is more about wanting an outcome and a bit of a sense of urgency because the deadline of leaving the country is looming, and you want something to happen?

    I hope you don’t mind me saying… What do you think?

    Is he aware of the date you are leaving?

    I do think it is his job to mind this and contact you generally.

    And yes to filling up your life and CD-ing, regarldess.

    Get busy… he will come back I bet.

    I hope that helps and I feel worried that this post might be a bit to harsh and bossy….

    xoxox



  503.  #503luzydel on August 28, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    No worries Ella, I was able to find the link, but I think it is only for Modern Siren 🙂

    http://www.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/catalog/modernsiren/fulfill_preview.html?e=1&s=28569&cid=33EZZZ&lid=1&sbid=stpn



  504.  #504Ella on August 28, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    Ariadne,

    Riffing is where we just write freely, without thinking, about what we are feeling.

    We can also track feelings around our bodies… eg: I feel tighness in my throat… tingly in my arm…. I feel angry and hot in my chest.

    Etc etc…

    As a way of getting in touch with, expressing and transforming what we feel.

    I am pretty sure Rori has a post on it somewhere. It might be in her glossary of terms.

    xoxox

    xoxox



  505.  #505Ella on August 28, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    Sirens I am feeling triggered about the FB thing…

    I am signed off at the moment but its still in my head and it is annoying me…

    I want to know whether he is there wanting to talk to me but I don’t want to keep checking…

    Grrr, naughty thoughts.

    Ok, STOP sign maybe? And then gently re-focus… ?

    I am enjoying watching Harry Potter atm but I am also wondering whether I am putting up boundaries by choosing to be offline when he said he may go on…

    Ideally I would like to feel Rockstar enough to be signed on but busy doing after stuff… so I am an open invitation… but I was finding it too triggering. I couldn’t help watching for a message, even when I was typing on here.

    Grrr.

    Could send a message expressing my lil issues but that would be lean forward…

    Any advice please?



  506.  #506Jill on August 28, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    Hi Sirens,
    I am new to CD and have been listening Rori’s CD’s and getting her newsletters for about 6 months. I am CD 4 guys right now.

    I had an awkward situation happen to me this past Friday night, I was out to dinner with one CD and we ran into another one of my CD out on a date. Has this ever happened to anyone and how did you handle it? I smiled, said Hi and kept walking. I haven’t heard from him since.



  507.  #507luzydel on August 28, 2011 at 12:27 pm

    I am getting modern Siren, but first I am going to feed myself. I just took a shower, washed my hair etc.
    I do not want to get all anxious about “NiceCD” he likes me, he has treated me great I just have to relax and date other guys since there has not been any discussion of exclusivity and there should not be after a few dates anyway. Besides I am amazing, funny, a great company why am I treating myself like I should be but on a discounted price?



  508.  #508Femininewoman on August 28, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    Jill welcome Believe that you are a beautiful, desirable, irrisistible woman that men will be attracted to. He himself would want to know that he is not the only one attracted to you. If there is no exclusivity agreement I would not worry about it. If they ask let them know that you are dating, nothing serious.



  509.  #509Susan on August 28, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    RE: 511: Jill

    Sounds to me like you handled it just fine. He may or may not contact you again. This isn’t something you control. As long as you had not promised exclusivity, you have nothing to apologize for or explain to him.



  510.  #510Ella on August 28, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    Jill,

    Yes tha is exactly what Rori recommends I believe.

    You did perfectly!

    It is triggering isn’t it? I always get triggered by stuff like that and what I am realising is with men, if they are attracted to you, this will not put them off!

    At all.

    With men if they want you they will come and get you, and keep coming, if they can step up…

    And in fact a manly man will even kinda like fightuing off the competition.

    It can even ramp up the attraction.

    I get so triggered by this situation when I am dating a guy and he knows or sees me dating another…

    And I am learning that masculine men don’t really seem to be too bothered about it… ie if they want you they will have you regardless.

    What do you think?

    xoxox



  511.  #511Femininewoman on August 28, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    RE 510 Ella you also don’t want to always be available as if you have nothing else going on in your life.



  512.  #512Ella on August 28, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    Sirens I am staying signed off FB because I feel afraid that he will not come and and ask me to chat…

    Is that being run by fear and putting up boundaries?

    I feel confused.



  513.  #513Femininewoman on August 28, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    Wildflower I believe it is also possible that if he knows you live in another country, he considers the connection as a casual one and might not be invested in any way. Also taking into consideration that he thought the drive was long and you were doing it all along he might have relaxed a little back into feminine energy and waiting for you to come forward.



  514.  #514Femininewoman on August 28, 2011 at 12:48 pm

    RE 517 Do you mean boundaries or walls? Though I really don’t think it matters. I believe you can be triggered and choose to do nothing about it. All you really need to do is notice your feelings.



  515.  #515Ella on August 28, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    Yes FW I agree,

    And I don’t want to play games either… but maybe the odd bit of game is ok?

    I don’t know I find this one so tricky…

    Strategies don’t work…

    And yet I made the mistake of being too available with J and it felt awful!

    So maybe I can view it not as a game, but rather as looking after myself by being unavailable to talk right now?



  516.  #516Femininewoman on August 28, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    RE 498 Wildflower looking at his question, your response looks to long and like you are overthinking it and making your response heavy. I would just tell him I feel confused by his question and just ask him what he means.



  517.  #517Ella on August 28, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    FW… hmmm, don’t know really.

    Walls or boundaries… don’t know.

    But you know what I am worrying about it far too much. If a man is the guy for me a couple of little walls/boundaries will not scare him off.

    In fact they might be quite helpful.

    So I am actually helping the relationship by being unavailable??!!



  518.  #518Wildflower on August 28, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    RE: 507 Ella thank you! No it definitely didn’t feel harsh or bossy. Actually I really appreciate it.

    To answer your question he does know I’ll be leaving soon.

    I guess I mostly feel stunned by the sudden total lack of communication. We didn’t argue and he didn’t seem withdrawn or distant on our last date. In fact he seemed really interested in learning more about me. He leaned forward and touched me. Held my hand, kissed me. Hoping I didn’t miss the obvious.

    Yes I feel tied to an outcome.

    Not even entirely about him at this point as opposed to choosing what is healthiest and most valuable for me in the long term.

    I’ve leaned forward in the past when a man stopped initiating and it never was good for me long term.

    But in those cases I was doing a lot of leaning forward during the time we were dating too.

    My natural inclination is actually to do nothing. He knows I don’t like to call men.

    But in this case am I being stubborn? Assuming he has lost interest when he really would just like for me to give back (water wheel)?

    Wondering if I’m missing something that is staring me in the face–which is why I consulted the blog.

    I know I will survive regardless. But I don’t want to do something that will kill my confidence for a while (one step forward two steps back).

    I’ve been very brave this past year but feeling like I’m stepping in to uncharted territory these past few months.

    Both choices feel good and both choices feel bad.



  519.  #519Femininewoman on August 28, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    RE 520 Your life does not revolve around or depend on FB. Also I didn’t see it as a definite invitation to join him.



  520.  #520Femininewoman on August 28, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    Wildflower he could also be planning a surprise for you



  521.  #521Ella on August 28, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    Luzydel re 512.

    Like button 🙂

    xoxo



  522.  #522Jill on August 28, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    Thank you FW, Ella and Susan! There was no exclusivity promised and I didn’t feel guilty at all, in fact, I felt even more attractive and self confident that CD2 saw me out with CD1. I’m ok if CD2 doesn’t contact me again honestly because to me, that shows he’s not willing to step up. Thank God for this blog! It’s great reinforcement for Rori’s teaching. It helps me keep my focus on myself and how desireable I am. I love all the reminders and encouragement here! My biggest challenge is leaning back and not using my boy energy, I constantly have to tell myself to use my boy energy on myself only. I feel progress as I don’t initiate contact anymore. Back in the day, I would have tried to contact CD2 by now. So proud of myself.



  523.  #523Ella on August 28, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    Wildflower I am also wondering about what FW said in that maybe he is thinking it couldn’t go anywhere as it would be long distance, and so isn’t pursuing…

    You wouldn’t know unless you discussed it with him and anyway it is his business.

    It is of course up to you, and I am leaning towards not contacting and staying leaned back.

    But it doesn’t really matter anyway if we come from the place of its all just practice 😉

    Easier said than done I know and it sounds like you are quite calm and focused on you which is great!

    xoxox



  524.  #524Femininewoman on August 28, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    Ella you are also entitled to change your mind.



  525.  #525Ella on August 28, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    FW re 524

    Yep, that is true!

    And I am having quite a nice night just relaxing here chilling on my bed and watching Harry P so all good really.

    Tbh I am ok, no matter what…

    NewCD is ok, but he is not the be all and end all! And he is lucky to get any of my time.

    xoxox



  526.  #526Ella on August 28, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    FW,

    Change my mind about what? xx



  527.  #527Femininewoman on August 28, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    Ella I saw Plum hella pissed in the past. It was in my opinion hugely different than this time. And she came back. She does not post all the time but if directly addressed she normally responds. I also believe she is motivated to help people so I doubt the little disagreement is enough for her to loose that motivation she has demonstrated here.



  528.  #528Femininewoman on August 28, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    Being on FB. You seemed to have suggested that you would be there when he signs back on later.



  529.  #529Wildflower on August 28, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    Ella–I really don’t think you did anything wrong with J.

    Personally I don’t think having your FB open is being too available. I mean it’s like 9 or 10 pm there right? For all he knows you’re talking to someone else. If you close it for the pure intent of “seeming” unavailable and he doesn’t message you then you may wonder what would have happened had you not.

    On the other hand you’ve had it open for a while. If you just plain want to do something else and it’s bothering you and making you feel irritated and crappy then I say close it.

    I could be wrong but I have a really hard time believing either decision will make or break anything–especially if you’re doing it from a loving place.

    I went out and bought myself a set of paints yesterday. I still “think” through things as you can probably tell but it helps me stay a little more present. Just figured I’d share.



  530.  #530Femininewoman on August 28, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    Jilly it is so good to see you back and man what a lineup of CDs. Happy to see that family man is back. Guess hotpilot has to now join the line up. Hard to get hhhhm great to know it is just the way it is rather than a game.



  531.  #531Ella on August 28, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    Sirens,

    I am feeling frustrated.

    I have this male friend. I have know him for years, I used to go out with one of his friends when I was younger.

    And I think he is really, really into me.

    But I don’t find him attractive at all. I mean I don’t fancy him one bit.

    As a friend he is cool, but I feel repulsed if I think about anything sexual with him and I don’t find his physical appearance appealing at all.

    Thing is he is a nice guy.

    He is older and he has 2 little girls that live with him full time. He is a great dad and a really caring man. He is masculine and manly and whenever we go out he is totally step up, takes care of me, puts me first always, has his full attention on me etc.

    We also have loads of fun together. And he wants to take me out, cook for me etc…

    It is EXACTLY the type of behaviour I would LOVE from someone I am attracted to.

    There are a couple of bad things… or downsides… he really runs down his ex, frequently and badly. And he has no idea about taking responsibility for his feelings about this… he blames it all completely on her and says she is a horrible person, which is not my experience of her at all.

    This alone would be a deal breaker for me.

    And he also takes a lot of drugs. Which is simply something I don’t want in my life at all and really makes me feel put off and disgusted. And judgemental.

    But he has asked to take me out again and I have said I will go to the cinema with him and let him cook for me.

    He is pressing for a confirmed date.

    I feel hella afraid and triggered.

    I know we can’t ‘lead a man on’ and yet I feel bad and like I am being dishonest by accepting dates when I know without a doubt I don’t want to be with him.

    And I don’t want to ruin the friendship either.
    what? Should I tell him I canno see me ever being with him?

    I feel afraid.

    And I feel very uncomfortable with all the atention he lavishes on me when I don’t feel attracted.

    I have always had problems letting people I am not attracted to give me attention. Which is precisely why I think i could be good for me to keep practicing with him.

    And I feel so triggered.

    Why couldn’t he be someone I am attracted to.

    Grrrrr.

    Whatr do you think or feel about this please Sirens?

    So should I keep pracicing with him or



  532.  #532Wildflower on August 28, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    Ella–ok I’m late on my response and you’ve already chosen what feels best for you. Good for you! I really admire your bravery.

    Thank you for your thoughts too!! Funny I come across as calm and focused on myself–I don’t feel that way lol 🙂



  533.  #533Ella on August 28, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    FW,

    Yeah I kinda did. Well nothing confirmed – just said it would feel nice after he asked whether we could chat later…

    At the moment I am still logged off which feels fine for now. Except I keep wanting to go on to say things to other friends…

    It doesn’t matter either way really. If he wants to see me he’ll find a way to make to make that happen.

    And while he figures that out I am getting on with my fab life.

    He’s going away for 2 weeks on Wednesday anyway.

    I like what Wildflower said about neither decision will make that much difference. It is so true, esp as I am operating from Love.

    I just need to chill sometimes 🙂

    It was making me feel crappy being signed on, so I have signed off. I may change my mind later and sign back on.

    Lucky me having choices 🙂

    xoxox



  534.  #534luzydel on August 28, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    So I am not feeling guilty for CDing; yes “NiceCD” is around, but I do not owe him anything really and sitting around and waiting for his call is not a way to reciprocate his attention. He will feel better if he sense he won me over the competition, and if he leaves then he wasnt for me after all. 🙂



  535.  #535DE on August 28, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    Ella #536:

    In this kind of situations, I made my decision to treat the person the way I want to be treated…

    So, how would you want to be treated if the situation was reversed?

    warm hugs,



  536.  #536Wildflower on August 28, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    FW–thank you for your input about the scripts and about my situation. Yeah I don’t know. The disappearing is killing me. The lack of communication is killing me. The wondering if I missed opportunities to be vulnerable and express myself is bugging me (but I also did a lot of good things).

    Then I wonder if maybe I feel more drawn to him because I don’t know what he’s thinking or because he isn’t calling me all the time. Yuck that thought feels awful.

    Ok focusing on him feels really really bad right now so I”m going to stop. I actually feel kind of sick.

    Here are some things I learned:
    I like more communication to feel appreciated. Otherwise I wonder if I’m important at all.

    I intend to take a few more risks in the moment expressing my true feelings. I intend to start by saying it in a positive way (unless it’s something really really bad or life threatening).

    I intend to eliminate any leaning forward from the start–especially with men I’m attracted to.



  537.  #537Ella on August 28, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    K logged on.

    Did what I wanted to do… was available for a bit on IM… now have logged off again.

    Don’t feel too bad, even though he was not there on IM.

    Feel ok.



  538.  #538Wildflower on August 28, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    FW thanks again for inspiring me to process through all that stuff and all you sirens who so openly shared so I could learn from you!



  539.  #539Ella on August 28, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    Hmmm, actually feeling a bit triggered.

    Hmmm, I feel afraid of feeling rejected and that I won’t be able to cope with more of that… as have felt like that a lot recently with J an other people.

    And that because he is not hot pursuing me that is rejection.

    🙁

    K Ella. You know that is an NV and a lie.

    Go and do something else that feels nice.

    xoxox



  540.  #540luzydel on August 28, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    I logged in to POF and I feel like the sirens RR describe, I get attacked by different chat requests, suddenly get several emails etc. etc….

    I have to believe I am a price worth fighting for instead of being so grateful to a guy just because he gives me nice dates…

    The man who win me over to himself will be a very lucky one…:)



  541.  #541Ella on August 28, 2011 at 2:11 pm

    Hmmm, I am feeling unloved, unwanted and alone.



  542.  #542Ella on August 28, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    I am feeling vulnerable and afraid.

    What if men who date me look @ my website (linked through from my facebook) and read my suff about dating and then even click through to Rori’s site, then the blog and read the comments.

    And work out who I am and they will know EVERYTHING I am writing about them and about how I feel.

    Ok it does sound quite far fetched but I know NewCD had a good dig around my FB and also looked at my site cus he told me.

    I feel afraid and vulnerable.



  543.  #543Daria on August 28, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    “I can help you! You don’t have to pay me ! ”

    just practicing stuff i can maybe write on my website when i have one



  544.  #544Ella on August 28, 2011 at 2:25 pm

    I feel frightened and triggered that men will be scared away if they know about what I write on here because I show all my ‘ugly’ parts here ie the bits that are obsessive, negative etc etc…

    And they will think I am desperate and use strategies, and they will go away and never come back and I will be all alone for ever.

    Ok, such an NV…

    And thats ok.

    I love ALL of me, even the ugly parts and I am being real and this is me.

    And if they can’t handle that they are not my man.

    I LOVE ME!

    xoxox



  545.  #545Daria on August 28, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    so daria goes back to the bay area feeling rested

    all of a sudden a wonderful place to live for free shows up and she goes and lives there

    she feels her energy healing and expanding and feels happy

    she’s able to move to new york and it feels GOOD and her sadness at leaving people in the bay area is alleviated because she can go back anytime she wants

    she loves living in new york and going back and visiting the bay

    then she suddenly gets a wonderful opportunity to move to brazil

    she loves it! her spiritual and all her wonderful energy expands

    she feels included and loved and adored

    she’s like a STAR

    she’s famous in the best way

    she feels in nature

    she gets to dance

    she has lots of friends and feels loved

    and theres a lot more other wonderful things happening to her!



  546.  #546Daria on August 28, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    and she has a wonderful relationship with her parents which is finally healed! it feels great, respectful, intimate

    she feels supported and admired and honored

    and she feels safe and loved



  547.  #547Daria on August 28, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    and she’s able to be homeless and feel WONDERFUL AND SAFe and amazing at it

    and she’s protected against being locked up in a way that she feels so safe with

    she can rely on it

    and she’s able to free anyone she wants to

    with her magical way

    and she’s watching teh world transform to healing for people and not kidnapping attacking and enslaving them

    and she feels blessed and amazed and HAPPY



  548.  #548Daria on August 28, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    suddenly a wonderful life coach showed up to help daria for free to get clear on waht she wanted in her life and support her… and she started transforming the things she had felt stuck on, FAST

    she felt excited and happy to wake up each day, like she felt excited to go to sleep!

    daria’s live was like a holy blessed adventure of joy



  549.  #549Daria on August 28, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    i feel sad

    i can see how my not believing in money has helped me expand my life and grow in amazing ways

    and i get glimmers of seeing how it could continue, just like it has

    i mean everytime ive bought myself sushi wiht money i already had… well im not now sitting here wishing i hadn’t

    and im not seemingly any worse off

    howver… it D?OES trigger NV’s about safety and sometimes unworthyness after

    and i HAVE been holding on to the damn lil money i do have in my paypal account

    maybe i should go spend it

    yeah!

    that will probably shift

    i feel a relief

    here come the nv’s – what if im sabotaging myself?

    what if this is the way i consistently sabotage myself

    i feel nauseaus

    ok i can see how i can go to new york and things will just knda work out

    but i also seem to bump up against this belief that i will be homeless

    which wouldnt be So bad,

    except im worried tha ti will be locked up in prison

    which i dont want

    i feel scared

    and i feel terrified and powerless around it

    umph

    so in a way this no money belief is triggering stress

    and if i Did go for money, maybe it would relieve this stress… or maybe i would jsut get trapped at some ‘comfortable’ level

    so i guess like rori says about what we believe we deserve, i just gotta find my own level of what i want

    and maybe my level is not throwing myself at it with my whole heart and life

    and yet i find that admirable

    and i feel scared my children will feel cold homeless, and wht if they turn against me (could happen anyway right)

    and what if they’re taken away from me

    LIFE does NOT feel saffe

    it feels scary and opressive and hard

    i feel lke a chicken in a cage at a farm

    🙁

    i LOve

    my feelings

    i love my sadness

    i love my sigh

    and that fe;s like head to the side

    and i love my head to th side

    and taht fels like hmmf

    and i lov my hmf

    this pond will clear soon yes it will

    i love my heavy sad feelings

    i dont want to write about my heavy sad feelings

    im feeling excited and happy imagining my wonderful thrilling life of no money yet total freedom and admiration and feeling safe

    cuz im never safe really but i can FEel safe enough

    and that would feel good

    head hanging

    i love my head hanging

    when i die there will be all these blogposts people can read about me

    i gotta remember to save these

    i would so want to read about me because i am in love with me

    and even though i felt awful when i read what honey wrote about how rori’s stuff might not work for a narcissistic person and it made me think she was referring to me and i felt pouty and welll. i felt bad

    and i love my ‘bad’ feeling

    and i feel angry

    and i love my anger

    and i feel like cracking my neck and i love my neck cracking

    weeee

    its all ths STRESS of expanding and getting in stretch of comfort zone situations that feels scary about believing in no money

    cuz obviously i could believe in anything since i make the world

    but now i feel like embarassed to ask bus drivers to let me on with no cash

    of course that would be a HUGE growth opportunity

    but shoot, i feel scared to ask the post office to send money when they’re THERE for me to send money

    or i feel scared to ask teh check tellers to cash my check even tho theyre check tellers!!

    wow just noticed those things are about money hmm

    i wonder if i feel scared of other stuff

    i dont feel so scared to ask for free food at the foodbank

    hmm

    i want help!

    i want someone to help heal me!

    i think that i ‘get off’ on ‘being able to do it myself’ but that is just an nv

    i feel really amazingly good about doing stuff wehre iv had help too
    like with rori

    yawn

    i love my yawn



  550.  #550Daria on August 28, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    here’s what leo barbuta at zen habits had to say about success… i very much dug it cuz i was thinking i want success.. till i read this and got a lil clearer… i love it when certain concepts like money and success can just drop

    “Why I don’t care about success

    ‘Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.’ ~Albert Einstein

    Post written by Leo Babauta. Follow me on twitter.

    A lot of people in my field write about how to be successful, but I try to avoid it. It’s just not something I believe is important.

    Now, that might seem weird: what kind of loser doesn’t want to be successful?

    Me. I’m that loser.

    Obviously, the first problem with success is how you define success … is it becoming famous, rich, creating a world-changing business, coming up with an idea that changes people’s lives, helping others, being happy? So many people with values similar to mine would reject the traditional definitions of success: being rich or famous or having a best-selling book or creating a huge business is not all there is to life.

    And those people are right, in my book. If all you’re striving for is money, you’ll do horrible things to get it. If all you want is a successful business, you’ll screw people over to get it. If all you want is fame, you’ll give up your dignity to achieve it.

    I could probably get a book on the New York Times best-seller list if I really tried, but it’s not something I care enough about, and I know I’d have to do things I wouldn’t be happy doing in order to get there. I’d have to make promises I couldn’t deliver on, sell something to people who are looking for answers I don’t have, trick them into buying the book.

    I could make a lot more money than I make now, if I capitalized on all the readers I have and pressured them into buying more things. But I don’t think buying a lot of things is a good thing, so I’d feel crappy doing that. It’s not worth it.

    Snake oil

    So those who teach you to be successful … they’ll share methods that are a bit shady sometimes. If not, often they sell you platitudes that sound good but are too vague to really mean anything.

    I’ve read many, many things on how to be successful (I can’t avoid finding them — they’re everywhere), and rarely will any of them really show you how to get where you want to go.

    And when you don’t get there, you blame not the success system, but your own inadequacies.

    The deeper problem

    There are other problems, though. Whatever your definition of success, it’s something you’re looking for … something that exists in the future. It’s based on your desire to achieve something, your feelings that you’re not where you want to be.

    That’s why the snake oil salesmen are so “successful” … they capitalize on the feelings of inadequacies that other people have. I think that’s horrible.

    But beyond that, the trap of striving for this future “success” … it’s never-ending. You strive for more, and then when you get it, you strive for more again. You’re never satisfied. People who have a billion dollars, for example … they’re successful, right? Why don’t they stop trying to make money, then? Why would they possibly need more than a billion dollars? How can you possibly spend that much? They strive to make more because there will never be enough. They’ll never be successful enough.

    That’s true not just of the rich, but of anyone who strives for success. Striving is a condition that doesn’t have an end, unless you give it up.

    The real success

    I might have a lot of readers now on Zen Habits, but I don’t feel that’s what makes me a success. I’ve been a success since Day 1, because even when I had zero readers, I was doing what I loved. Even when no one else would have called me a success (I really was a nobody then), I absolutely loved writing my posts, and though I don’t agree now with a lot of what I wrote back then (in 2007), I was happy.

    Success isn’t about achieving something in the future, but about doing something right now that you love.

    So doesn’t that mean I care about success? Well, sure, if you define success as whatever it is you care about, then of course you’re going to care about success. But then “success” really doesn’t have a meaning, does it? If it can mean anything, then it means nothing.

    So forget about “success”, and just find joy, passion, love, awesome-ness right now, in this moment. *That* is a success you can achieve, without any self-help course, without any method. Just go out and do it.”



  551.  #551Daria on August 28, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    and here is now some more stuff that i just ran upon now yay after riffing … it feels exciting that i found this clarifying stuff since i was asking for help


    As we move through life, success becomes a key component of our lives. Although success is merely a word, an idea floating about in our minds; we still shape our lives around this. We do so by roughly defining what it means to be successful. This is a process that is quite often on a very subconscious level. If someone asks what our definition of success is, we may mention a bunch of things about various ideals that we have yet to accomplish. We might say, well, success is about doing well in each category. We need to have good relationships, enough money and we need to be respected.
    It might seem strange to think that our definition of success is not actually our own but this is usually the case. As we go about our days we observe and judge people of all types.
    We see the rich successful businessman who appears to have a lot of money. We say to ourselves, wow I would like to have money like him. But… I don’t want to fall prey to the traps of the rich. I don’t want to become self centered and egotistical.
    We see the spiritual man who appears very peaceful. However, it appears as though he is always lacking in necessities. We say to ourselves, I want his peace of mind but not his lack of wealth and basic necessities.
    We see the carefree college student who is always partying and having fun. We say to ourselves, I wish I could let go of worry and just have fun like that. But… I don’t want to make irrational decisions and end up in trouble.
    We see the homeless man. We say to ourselves, I wish I had his freedom but I don’t want to live on the streets.
    These judgments we make are the basis of our concept of success. We decide that we want a little bit from one category, some from another and perhaps all from yet another category. What we are creating is a mix of the qualities and achievements we admire most in other people. It is a lot like creating a meal that involves many different ingredients.

    There is an interesting paradox happening within all of us. Through the qualities we admire most we have created a concept of success that is so contradictory and illogical that we are essentially being pulled in all directions. We see that we want money but yet we also believe that rich people have undesirable personality traits. We believe that we want freedom but we also value a strong work ethic. We want to have fun but only certain kinds of fun at certain times. We have locked ourselves into so many contradictions that it takes all of our will, all of our focus to keep moving forward. We added so many qualifiers to our map of success that it’s quite like reading a map telling you to go in every direction at once.

    You might sit there and wonder why certain people tend to be so lucky. Why certain people who don’t even appear intelligent are able to make so much money. How some people are able to choose freedom even at the cost of wealth. They are able to do so because,

    They made up their mind!

    Those who are thriving with seemingly wonderful life circumstances are able to do so because they either
    A.) Never had an internal contradiction concerning what they want

    Or

    B.) they came to a clear conclusion about their desires and brought their concept of success to the surface instead of allowing dozens of internal contradictions cripple their lives.

    We’ve all heard the eternal question asked before. What is the meaning of life? Is there a point to it all or is it just one big chaotic mess?

    Most of us don’t spend much time pondering this question. We think it’s either unanswerable or better left to one of those guys in Tibet.

    When we do spend time thinking about it we usually arrive at answers that seem to come from something more profound within us. Perhaps from the soul or the heart. Whatever the case may be, we usually think the meaning of life is centered around things like being happy, helping others and leaving the earth a better place than it was before.

    This takes us to the ultimate contradiction that most of us walk around with on a daily basis. The convergence of the meaning of life and our concept of success. Through our definition of success we usually pick qualities that make our life more comfortable and are respected in the eyes of others. Through our definition of the meaning of life we usually pick qualities that serve a greater purpose. Often at the expense of our comfort. After all, not many people would say that the meaning of life is conditional on having a large bank account and the most material possessions out of all your neighbors.

    As we try to resolve all of these immense contradictions we find ourselves facing fear. Fear of taking a leap to fulfill our meaning even at the cost of what we would define as “being successful”. Certainly some qualities of both may overlap which makes things a little easier but it is quite rare to define both success and your purpose here in this life as the same thing.

    ***

    ” im still reading this on a website



  552.  #552Daria on August 28, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    The result for many of us is a constant underlying level of tension. A subtle or not so subtle level of anxiety that is constantly eating at you. Eating at you even when you’ve reached what most people would consider to be quite a success.

    This anxiety is a prominent cause of suffering in people everywhere. People try to mask it with drugs and alcohol, deep meditation, exercising too much, eating too much or even working too much. You may forget about it briefly but there it is again as soon as you become centered.

    For those of us who feel like success is only for a certain group of people, we feel defeated, lethargic and constantly lacking motivation. Maybe you type into Google “how do I get more motivation?” or “why am I always tired?”. You pull up a few pages that list things you’ve tried before like exercise, getting enough sleep and supplements to help you focus but nothing you do seems to work.

    The response is typically to think that there’s something wrong with us. We strengthen our already powerful belief that only others have certain qualities. Success is simply for the ones who were blessed with it.

    What most us are missing is that life is really quite simple. We have decided at some point that we need to categorize each little thing. We feel the need to separate what it means to be successful from what it means to live with purpose. We have even separated how we define success based on who is around us. As we jump from one definition to another we lose track of who we are and what is really going on.

    It’s no wonder most people have fallen so far from what nature intended. Believing that technology and pharmaceutical companies will rescue them from their cognitive dissonance. Rescue them from their depression, their anxiety, their fears.

    It doesn’t help that we have psychologists who buy into this frame of thought. You go sit down with someone whom you feel can help you but as it turns out can’t even help themselves. They operate their practice by relying on a big book that puts everyone into neat little categories based on symptoms!

    The harsh reality is that we don’t fit into labels. We are fluid and constantly changing just like everything around us.

    Making the shift is to consciously decide what success means to you. What you define as success should be exactly the same as what you define as the meaning of life. As you do so, you begin eliminating excess baggage. You begin eliminating faulty directions and subconscious cues. Your map of life begins to reveal a clear path that although you don’t know where it will end up, you now know which direction to take.”

    http://mental-freedom.com/law-of-attraction/money-success/the-many-contradictions-of-success/



  553.  #553Ella on August 28, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    Ok what am I afraid of when I think about changing this behaviour?

    I am afraid I will miss out on all the fun…

    And it will never feel as fun sober. But already someone I trust has told me it can.

    But I can’t feel that yet.

    I feel massively afraid that if I stop the drinking I do, that I will get bored, and be unable to cope with stress, like what has happened before in my life.

    When my life got so serious and heavy and I had a mini breakdown in the city and left my life there to come back here.

    And I kinda feel that that simply isn’t true.

    And I MASSIVELY feel afraid to continue the behaviour because I see negative impacts it is having on my life and I feel afraid for my health, wellbeing and safety.

    So why is it so hard?

    I REALLY want to change this now… it IS the way for me, this is MY big issue/challenge in my life to deal with right now.

    And imagine if I can fearlessly face all my emotions… that can set me free.

    And life can feel fun and good without drinks.

    I really, really want to do this… I REALLY want to overcome it and I feel afraid that I will never win and do this.

    This is so important to me, so why do I keep doing the same thing?

    I feel pretty sure EVERYTHING will change for me if I can do this.

    I wonder if I have really made any progress or if I am just kidding myself? Deluding myself and I am as bad as ever?

    Welll I no longer drink every weekend.

    And recently I have been out and drank only moderately.

    Ok, so there is progress.

    I just want more… I want to feel like I am getting better, healing and that I have really changed this behaviour.

    Ella I love you.

    I just feel afraid that I can’t do this…

    On a scale of 1-10 I want to change this at about a 9 or 10.

    But my confidence about being able to change it, really and truly for good, is only about 2.

    And the major barrier to making the change is the belief that life will not be as fun and I won’t be able to cope without it.

    And logically I know this is simply not true.

    And yet I simply can’t get that belief to sink in atm…

    And thinking that life will not be so fun and I will not cope makes me want to change the behaviour only at about a 2…

    But the consequences of not changing it make me feel very SCARED AND TERRIFIED!

    And also very sad. And I’m pretty sure things will be bad for me if I don’t ever change this and good for me if I do.



  554.  #554Daria on August 28, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    well i think my dad thinks the