Madonna’s Divorce And Your Love Life

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Although no one can even pretend to know what exactly happened between Madonna and Guy Richie after all these years of being together in a rare, successful marriage – my own best guess would be that Madonna is not a woman willing to “work” on a relationship that doesn’t feel good to her.

Perhaps this is because she truly has options. There’s likely not an available man in the world who would not want to date Madonna.

And perhaps it’s because she truly, simply believes she has options.

And the truth is – we ALL have so MANY options. So many more than we allow ourselves to believe.

So I want to use Madonna and her situation as a model – by “making” up whatever I want to about it (none of us can know the real truth, anyway) – to HELP us feel stronger, more on our own sides, and believing we have OPTIONS.

Although I wish with my whole heart that she had found this blog, and that I would have a chance to work with her for even an hour – my guess is that she’s done all she’s willing to do to save her marriage, and that, ultimately, her own happiness is what she follows.

If she is no longer “in love,” and instead stuck in either anger or total “neutrality” (to the point where she’s prepared to pay millions of dollars to Guy in order to officially no longer be “with” him) – Madonna is a woman who can “move on.”

She’s re-invented her career, her persona, her life – finding meaning and purpose for herself in religious study and her new-found charity work – and I would imagine re-inventing her love-life would be something she’s not afraid to do.

Although I totally believe that not only can a marriage be rescued, but often even a marriage lacking “fire” and communication can turn into something amazing and deeply connected – and that when children involved we should do everything we can to rescue it – I also respect Madonna’s fierce intention to have EXACTLY the life and romance she WANTS.

A lot has been made of her “affair” with Alex Rodriguez. And I’ve also heard that Madonna and Guy made some kind of personal agreement to separate over a year ago, though to not announce it publicly. As we all know, it’s pretty hard for a huge mega-watt star celebrity to get away with having an affair and not get caught – I would hope they built that into their personal agreement, also. I’d like to think neither of them was lying to the other. (I certainly don’t think either of them has any responsibility to be truthful with “us” – the public – because it’s really none of our business. But I like to imagine they were truthful with each other.)

The whole thing about an “affair,” for me, is the lying. You just have no hope of connecting deeply with anyone if you’re lying to them.

And there’s no way to feel good about YOURSELF if you’re lying, day after day to someone. (Unless you feel physically frightened of telling the truth to a man – and that would come under the heading of abuse – and whatever it takes for you to get out of that horrible, extreme, and all-too common situation, including lying, is what I want you to do there…)

So – I’d like to stay with Madonna as a role model for being a woman who loves herself first, in the right way. And with a belief in her (even if it turns out to be fanciful) as a role model for being a strong woman who doesn’t need to lie.

I don’t know her, and so I want to think of her this way and give her the benefit of the doubt.

Because she IS so famous, and so many women are watching what she does, and so she actually has so much influence on the way we think and how we look at our own llives, I want to believe that she has been truthful with Guy, and that she’s pursuing her own happiness in a way I hope we can all learn something from.

And even if everything from here looks like a mistake…and celebrities make their mistakes in such a public way that no matter what, they’re helpful to us to watch…I want to wish her, as I do every single woman in the world, the love and relationship she wants.

Now – go treat your own life as though YOU’RE a STAR!!! You ARE!! You are the star of your own life.

Use the example of Madonna’s continual forward motion along the timeline of what’s important to her to INSPIRE YOU. Regardless of what you think of her, use her as a model in this way: Don’t let your fear of “not being nice” or “not appearing correct”stand in your way of having the life, the dream, the love YOU want.

Use every bit of your considerable inner strength, use your inner Siren to propel you into the confidence you actually already possess  – and then allow yourself to celebrate, every moment, your being the open, warm, vulnerable, self-loving, strong Goddess you truly are. 

Follow YOUR own good feelings, and honor YOUR own happiness.

Love, Rori



  1.  #1Daria on October 19, 2008 at 3:57 pm

    “Don’t let your fear of “not being nice” or “not appearing correct”stand in your way of having the life, the dream, the love YOU want.”

    YAY I feel inspired by this! I used to hold certain standards (especially regarding sex) on myself and others and feel proud (and judgemental) that I met them… now some of them I am removing and realizing they are not needed!

    I kind of want to experiment having sex… without the girlfriend “trap”…but am scared to get hurt…

  2.  #2Ashley on October 19, 2008 at 4:29 pm

    Hi Rori! First of all, I love you…learned about you through Christian Carter’s Communication Secrets series. I have a question for you though…which you may have answered already (I apologize if you have) but I am new to your site and materials. So my question is: when I start to date “circularly” (with 3 or more guys), how do I not get too attached to any one of them? I think most girls can relate that it’s easy to get caught up in a guy who seems really wonderful on the first date, second, and third date. And then I always seem to find it hard to turn them down if I get an intuition that he’s not a high quality guy….especially if I have gone on a few dates and we have gotten to know each other. how do you gracefully turn a man down so he doesn’t feel super-rejected, and that I don’t feel super-guilty? I think I am too nice in the sense that I don’t want to hurt a guy’s feelings. Or maybe I tend to give him the benefit of the doubt often when I shouldn’t.

    I am working on my self-esteem however, because I get the sense that if I had a higher self-esteem, then I probably wouldn’t feel as guilty letting these guys go if it’s just not working out. But any tips and advice from you would still be very appreciated in these areas…thanks!!

  3.  #3ann on October 19, 2008 at 4:49 pm

    LOL Rori if I’d read this about Madonna 25 years ago I’d be thinking “Yeah Right”. But over the years my opinion of her has changed. I now see her as a lady who walks to the beat of her own drum. Which I feel is fantastic, as long as I remember noone is a island we all need others.

    I’ve studied & practice alot of things over the years on my journey. I keep the ones I believe in to fall back on when I need to. As I’ve said before I’ve been reading your stuff for a while, howbeit, I don’t always practice the tools, which in my opinion is something I need to make sure I do. And that’s ok causeI know I will. But I wanted to go on record as saying I absolutely believe in Rori’s tools as a way to help ourselves to have the life we want.

    I’d like to share something I use with whatever I’m working on. The words “What if”. OMG these words use to strike terror in me, because I always thought “what if” had something bad connected with it. I would feel my body tense up, try to shrink to hide from “what if” because all kinds of negative would run through my mind. Then I learn when I use “what if” to make sure the statement I put behind it is positive.

    For example: 1 of my I wants is: I want to be more connected to others.

    Old way of what iffing about this would be: what if I was more connected to others? Oh no don’t know if I could allow that to happen, they might not like me, or they might see I’m not as strong as they think I am or maybe they won’t want to be connected to me. With my body feeling not good enough and negative feeling flowing all through it.

    My new way of what iffing is: what if I was more connected to others? we’d have a good time, I could show them new things, they could show me knew things. We could learn things together. We could go places together, have fun and enjoy each others company. With my body feeling good, enthused and energetic while I think about it.

    As I wrote this a battle started what iffing in my mind: What if others don’t like me sharing this here? Which quickly shifted to what if Rori can use this for a tool or it helps others with those dreaded what if words?

    What if I keep practicing these tools-Oh wow I will become a stronger, confident, feminine woman who’ll have so much attention it will be fantastic!

  4.  #4Reshi on October 20, 2008 at 12:39 am

    OK. A couple days into my working with Step 1 on your last post, and a couple weeks into my working with Toxic Men…and either I’m doing something horribly wrong or the man I’ve married is absolutely Toxic and I have to get away from him right away.

    What I’ve been doing: Working on getting myself turned on 24/7. Speaking to my husband in Feeling Messages and Power Speeches. And of course, doing my damnedest to stay leaning back. Entirely stopped stuffing things down–and now I’m afraid I’ve become TOO expressive or am doing it wrong. There’s no safety in the relationship. He still says he feels pressured. And tonight after what should have been a wonderful date, he told me that he doesn’t think he is able to give me what I want, and that he doesn’t want to try anymore and just wants to be alone and wants me to go.

    I told him that I understood and respected his feelings, and I could be gone tomorrow and never come back again, and yet to me divorce isn’t something I’d do lightly (and he agreed with that), and I didn’t want to leave until we’d given one last try–as a TEAM and not as individuals as we have been doing with little in the way of results. I told him that I was happy to let him go after we had tried that. And I didn’t really find myself in a Leaning Forward kind of space while telling him this, although I might just be kidding myself on that–to me it felt more like “I understand and I’ll fully accept what you want, and yet this is my truth…” And he seemed to be coming around, but we decided to sleep on it and now here I am finding your post about Madonna’s divorce.

    I assume that what I should have done when he said that was to say something along the lines of “You’re right, this doesn’t feel good at all” and pack my bags and find somewhere else to stay for the night. Yet when push came to shove I couldn’t do it. I don’t have anywhere else to go.

    It’s not that I don’t believe I have options–I do, on some level, and I’m completely willing to walk away on a permanent basis. But at 10 pm on a Sunday night with no warning, where can I go? And can I walk out on a marriage without having done all I can to rescue it? Could I look at myself in the mirror, having done that? Those questions are still unanswered. And I feel completely numb. And the truth is that I don’t feel good with my husband at all, and he doesn’t feel trusted or respected by me. There was a time when we both felt wonderful together but that’s such a distant memory we can’t even remember what it felt like. And I don’t know if I really even want a man at all. I want HIM–but not the way he is now, I want him the way he used to be. And that man doesn’t even exist. I wonder if this means it’s time for me to just pick myself up and move out and cut off contact.

    In all, I’m in a very sad and hopeless place and really not in the mood to try and experiment with becoming more sensual at the moment…

  5.  #5Reshi on October 20, 2008 at 8:45 pm

    Strangely, though, I’m feeling familiar feelings–the same feelings from the LAST time my husband did the same thing to me. Because this isn’t the first time–in fact, it’s the third. And you know what? The last two times, I was freaking out, couldn’t handle my feelings, spent every waking moment trying to DO things to run away from my feelings, and spent a lot of time and energy trying to put my feelings on HIM and make him handle them. It was pushing him away hardcore and now I see that. And because of the work I’ve done with my lists from your recent posts, I actually KNOW how to handle my own feelings. I can keep them and hold them and love them and follow them. I actually feel like I CAN stand by myself, and it allows me to be so much more calm and at peace. Thank you so much.

  6.  #6Daria on October 20, 2008 at 10:09 pm

    Wow Reshi…

    I am so glad to see this post from you! I felt so awed and sad reading the last one… I am glad to see you are taking care of yourself and your feelings…


  7.  #7Reshi on October 20, 2008 at 11:13 pm

    Thanks so much Daria. I’m glad there are people here who care. And you know what, I FINALLY had something click. Because after that last post, I rode the bus home and was doing a tantric breathing exercise, and I realized that I’m just pretty much the queen, I felt on top of the world and like I didn’t even need to worry about the relationship with my husband at all. It was amazing. I’d heard Rori say a thousand times that this could happen, but it wasn’t really happening for me–no good feeling ever lasted more than a few seconds before being overtaken by awful feelings. But tonight I felt powerful the entire bus ride home AND after I walked in the door! And how’s this for freakish–my husband was AWAKE when I got home at almost 1am, and wanted to talk to me. And like he wasn’t super affectionate or anything, but he picked up the cat and gave him to me–it was really nice to feel his energy moving towards me especially after last night. And I expected he’d have taken his ring off again but he still has it on. So I don’t know what’s going to happen between him and me and right now, I don’t care. I’ve got my own back…and I am reviving my own sexuality too and it feels AWESOME!

  8.  #8Rori Raye on October 21, 2008 at 12:00 am

    Reshi – you are awesome! And… Reshi, do you own your house with your husband? Or do you rent? If you own it, DO NOT EVEN THINK OF LEAVING THE HOUSE! DO NOT pack up and leave the house!

    Consult an attorney and an accountant before you do ANYTHING.

    No matter what happens – stay in the house until you know exactly the right thing to do.

    Now – that said – things are shifting already. You’ve shifted, and now he’s shifted. This is no where near over – and it sounds to me that you’re doing magnificently, and anything’s possible. You’re going to see what he’s really made of, how you really feel – and your path will get very clear to you. Take your time.

    If this is not meant to work out, you will know it, you will feel as you did after you got off the bus – like the QUEEN. Instead of feeling at his mercy, you will feel calm and in charge of yourself.

    You’ve got a long way to go with all this. Keep doing what you’re doing!

    If you decide at some point to leave the marriage, you will do so feeling powerful and hopeful. All your desperation and dread will be gone. And it’s entirely possible – I’ve seen all kinds of things happen – that with your desperation and dread gone and your new appreciation of and honoring of yourself – something will happen to create a whole new beginning here with your husband.

    I have total faith in you, Love, Rori

  9.  #9Rori Raye on October 21, 2008 at 12:09 am

    Ann – love the “switched up” “What ifs…”

    I’ll likely take your comment and put a post around it, Thank you…

    Ashley – Welcome! And the short answer (the long one is in my Commitment Blueprint program) is – you are dating 3,4,5,6 men all at the same time to keep yourself sane, and to PREVENT you from getting attached to any one of them.

    Treat them all equally. Accept dates from the one who calls and asks first. Be honest and truthful to each of them about everything. When you are “done” with a man, simply say “I’m not available.”

    If he asks you what you mean, you can prepare some simple words in advance (you’re going to be going through a lot of men, and you’re going to need words every time – they might as well be well worked out and rehearsed and always the TRUTH).

    That could be – “I really enjoyed your company, and I feel so awkward and uncomfortable with this, but I’m just not available anymore.” Or “I feel so awkward and uncomfortable, and I just don’t feel right going out with you anymore when I don’t see a future here.”

    Or, as I said to my husband, when I first dumped him for the karate teacher I was smitten with (and thank goodness my husband was still available and into me when I came to my senses) – “I just don’t feel that spark…”

    It doesn’t matter what you say, so say something that feels best to you – but it has to be the utter, total TRUTH.

    This is all practice. Practice in Truth-Telling, practice in Boundaries, practice in being open. A little bit at a time.

    Love, Rori

  10.  #10Ashley on October 21, 2008 at 3:36 am

    Thank you Rori! I am looking forward to putting your advice to good use. I already have two dates lined up for this week. =D

    I was all hung up on this toxic guy for a while in one of my college classes (who I wasn’t even dating, believe it or not!) who is emotionally immature. That is, he would constantly “joke” with me but his jokes would always manage to make me feel bad about myself. And he was never direct with me…I often found myself obsessing over whether or not he liked me. I know he does, but he acts like he’s in the 3rd grade the way he teases me to get my attention, it’s rediculous lol.

    ANYWAY–I’ve gotten into a much better place now. I have decided that I would never want to date a guy like that. I am looking forward to getting out there and having fun dating a bunch of guys, practicing your techniques, and feeling great about myself!

    I’ll let you know how it goes. Love, Ashley

  11.  #11Rori Raye on October 22, 2008 at 11:46 am

    Ashley – This guy sounds like he’s doing early David DeAngelo tips for men. He’s trying. He may be a good guy.

    The way to cut through all this (asuming he’s attractive, or at least pleasant in some other ways to you) – is to practice TALKING with him.

    Smile at him and say straight out: “I feel awkward saying this, but I feel upset when you tease me like that. I feel sensitive to that kind of joking. It makes me want to ignore you, and yet it feels like we could have a good conversation if we could get past all that. What do you think?”

    Remember – this isn’t about HIM, it’s about YOU learning to talk STRAIGHT, and with Feeling Messages.

    Let me know. This guy is good practice. Rori

    You may be totally shocked.

  12.  #12alias girl on October 22, 2008 at 2:24 pm

    one of the tabloids today talked about madonna’s “neediness” and guy’s coldness and aloofness”. which sounded just like what rori was talking about in her email newsltter today.

  13.  #13ann on October 22, 2008 at 5:41 pm

    Your welcome Rori. Glad you liked the “what iffing” switch. I just finished reading your newletter, with yesterday’s Switch Your Underwear Drawer tool. I like the shaking things up theory. What I really love about your tools is that you give us the ways to take care of ourselves first. I know alot of us have problems putting ourself first.

  14.  #14Maria on December 26, 2008 at 5:03 pm

    Here are some of my thoughts about Madonna and her divorce. Some tabloids had said some rumours about Guy R. being a little bit “unpolite” towards Madonna. Saying something like she being too old, and loosing her femininity etc.
    My thought, after some consideration, came up with the possibility, that Madonna, being successful in showbusiness, as well as maintaining all of it, has been occupied with a hard job with it, and to my mind it sounds a lot like “masculine energy” that has took part in her family. Guy R seems to me a very down to earth man, which is rare in this business in general, and he, l assume, would be happy with a woman, who totally supports him, which he probably missed in his marriage. (l wont be surprised, when we hear after few years maybe that he is married to some unknown but very feminine lady)
    So long story short, my quess is, that Guy R had lost attraction for Madonna way before the announcment was made about the divorce. My quess is also, that not only did he lost attraction, he become tired and angry, cos Madonna obviously had loads of duties besides taking care of family.
    l belive that “affair” with that other man, was not the real one. Probably Madonna enjoyed the male energy comin toward her, that she didnt get from her then-husband no more, and that was it.
    In a way l wished it would last.