Make Yourself More Attractive And Magnetic To Every Man You Meet – Quick-Action Guide

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naked-torsoby Andrea Albright

Andrea put this together for me after our interview (it’s in my MI series for December) – and she so sweetly wrote it all down for you!  If you go to her page, she’ll have the program all ready for you for free…

We did a few different exercises in this interview with Rori.

Deep Belly Breathing

The first exercise was a breathing exercise, i asked you to completely release your belly and ~breathe~ into the bottom of the belly.

This expands your


lungs and diaphragm, allowing better oxygen absorption and lowers your stress levels, which lowers cortisol levels that are directly related to belly fat-storage. In other words, less stress = less belly fat.

Deep breathing is the best thing to do to heal your body and relax your mind.

Core Awareness Exercises

And then the next 2 exercises were ‘core awareness’ exercises.

In this exercise, we contracted a few of the muscles of the abdominal wall to begin the stages of Core Awareness and bringing your core to life. This is what improves posture and speeds up your metabolism. And it’s great to do right before you walk up and approach a man.

Remember that there are many muscles in the abdominal wall, and your core is made up of ALL of these muscles, plus muscles in the back and even the pelvis. To LIVE in full Core Awareness, you are aware of ALL of these muscles being energetically contracted at the SAME time.

It takes years of practice, but you can start with these exercises you learned in this interview:

–> 1. “Belly Button String” Exercise – Draw the belly button in toward the spine like there’s a string attached to the back of the belly button, and then tie that string around the spine so it stays contracted and secure.

~Keep Breathing~

This is about bringing in awareness to these finely-tuned muscles.

Do Not Suck In Your Breath! If your breath stops, then YOU stop.

With practice, the breath will expand more and more around this ‘lock’ that you are creating with this exercise, and the breath will fuel the fire in your core. Just like a candle needs oxygen or it dies, your core needs your breath to keep the energetic fire going.

–> 2. “Lower Wall Of Abs” – The next Core Awareness exercise was for the lower abdominal wall. Lengthen the lower abs by extending the tailbone towards your heals. This flattens the front part of the lower abdominal wall, imagine it flattening out like a brick wall.

You should feel like there is a very secure, stable “bowl” of energy supporting your internal organs, your spine, lower back, and pelvis.

Now, here’s the last thing that gave Rori the total picture — relax the butt cheeks.

Feel much better that way, doesn’t it?

Once you have that energetic awareness and muscular contraction of these 2 exercises together, you’ve pretty much engaged the entire part of the lower core.

If you want to go further, you can bring awareness to the first ‘root lock’ in yoga. The root lock is also known as the Kegel muscle, lift this up like you are stopping the flow of urine.

Now, you’ve got a completely energized lower core

*** Note: During the first breathing exercise (or any breathing exercise) do NOT practice your Core Awareness exercise. Only do the breathing exercise OR the Core Awareness exercise at a time.

When you practice these exercises, you will feel something start to happen.

I love Andrea, I know the interview she did with me is incredibly helpful to you because it was for me!…please let me know how these simple exercises work for you…I’m very experienced with Pilates now, and I as we were talking, I thought Andrea’s way of experiencing the correct way to do these – especially the belly-button-string thing and the whole idea of letting your butt go free…were terrific.  You can find Andrea and get her free newsletters and videos…and see her personal transformation on her site – and get something she cooked up for us specially at :

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  1.  #1Paula on December 10, 2009 at 7:29 pm

    December 10, 2009

    Hi Rori,

    Please tell me how I could talk with you about becoming a private client for your personal counseling services? (private office telephone number, private e-mail, or private website?) Are you still working with private clients, and what are your charges?

    I am currently having some problems with a married man, who is also my therapist. I am quite confused, and feel miserable emotionally. I need some objective insight, and advice. I wanted to talk with you privately, if for only a few sessions or many, as you mentioned that once you, also, were in this same situation.

    Please respond when you get a chance. Thanks so very much, Rori. Looking forward to your reply.

    Best wishes,

    P.S.: I sent you an e-mail, but was afraid it might miss you, inadvertently, thus the reason for this comment on your blog. Hope it was OK to leave for you. Thanks so much, again, Rori.

  2.  #2Tina on December 10, 2009 at 7:46 pm

    I can’t wait to try this exercise ! I’m looking forward to it.
    I want my butt to be free!

  3.  #3Tina on December 10, 2009 at 11:12 pm

    The belly button string works miracles. I feel instantly better, I am having lower back problems with my pms but yeah wow.

  4.  #4Daria on December 10, 2009 at 11:27 pm

    yeah this is the first time i got… that i can breathe in my belly and tuck my bellybutton to my spine! wow!

    and it Does feel like theres a hot coal forge inside me

  5.  #5Tina on December 10, 2009 at 11:31 pm

    My butt cheeks were either not relaxed or my upper body was not relaxing , I feel the difference, wow this feels great.

  6.  #6Tina on December 10, 2009 at 11:47 pm

    I just dont know if my legs are extended out or is my knees up? anyway feels great, I have lower back pain so either way feels great.

  7.  #7Tina on December 11, 2009 at 12:05 am

    Daria, I just wanted to say hi:) good luck with your belly button string thing 🙂 my pms is driving me crazy right now, some of my symtoms are gone, its taken a few months but i still have lower back pain and my waist expands about two inches grr. of to sleep for this Goddess 🙂

  8.  #8alias girl on December 11, 2009 at 12:35 am

    i feel resistant.

  9.  #9Aggy on December 11, 2009 at 3:12 am

    I do deep beely breathing at least once a day, was advised that its ggod to do 30 in the morning 30 evening and as many as you can in between
    On the days I do it in the morning my day goes on very very well, am working on making it a habit
    in the evenings I lie down and start breathing but fall asleep before reaching 15 mmh mmh then sleep like a baby…..good for me
    try it sirens it does work

  10.  #10DocK on December 11, 2009 at 7:20 am

    I love adding stuff to my repertoire of mind/body/spirit awareness.

    From my pole dancing – I have built a strong core that is unbelievable. I love my weight training but it didn’t come close to working that as some other disciplines.

    The loose butt thing (laughing!) – my gal pals and I had a field day with that in “jiggle it and wiggle it” class we took last weekend (we’re going back again tomorrow) because I am so used to tightening everything up for bodybuilding posing that I had to consciously let my butt jiggle around – and I was very very resistant to that.

    It was SO funny, there we all were – staring at the instructor’s butt and trying to get ours to wiggle like hers and looking in the mirror and not comprehending why ours wasn’t doing the same thing. Hysterical. I have NEVER looked at another woman’s butt so closely.

    I am also excited about this core stuff because I have been recently trying to learn pole tricks that are much easier to do if you have a gymnastics background (I don’t) but require EXTREME core strength. I finally got ’em without breaking any bones (the regular handspring and twisted grip handspring on the pole). Now I have to build the muscle memory to get it every time.

    One of these days, hopefully soon, I am going to post a video and you all can see the old gal do her tricks. : )

  11.  #11Sherry on December 11, 2009 at 10:04 am

    I have been reading Rori’s newsletters for about a year and trying some of the tools she recommends but I still find myself stuck! The women on this blog are so strong and really put it out there and I get as much out of your comments as I do the newsletters. I have been hesitant about posting on here, but I feel now is my time. Here is my situation:

    Four years ago I met a man 20 years younger than me. He was a friend of my daughter’s boyfriend at the time. My daughter became friends with him and eventually so did I. He had broken up with his “first love” about a year prior and was having a difficult time moving on. He was bitter. We started talking via email and then on the phone. It started with sharing opinions on relationships and progressed to sharing opinions on all aspects of life. Throught the course of about 8 months, we became very close friends. We talked daily and he came over and hung out with me and my kids occasionally. As I’m sure you’ve guessed, the relationship finally took a sexual turn. We both admitted to loving the other more than as just friends.

    I was in a relationship, at the time, that had ended a while before, but neither of us wanted to hurt the other. He was in the begining of a new relationship. We both felt guilty after the first time and swore it would never happen again. But it did. During the course of the next year one, then the other of us, would stop the sexual aspect. I had never cheated in my life and I hated the way it would make me feel. He could not stand the guilt he felt. It never lasted-the stopping part. We maintained our friendship but every once in a while, our hormones overtook us.

    This lasted for the next year and a half. During that time I had ended my relationship and he had gotten engaged. I was still dating. I felt that no matter how much I loved him, the differences in our age, and me being the mom figure to all of his friends, people’s judgements, etc. was too much to overcome. Everyone knew we hung out and were friends, but although they might have suspected, no one knew we were sleeping together. We both had pressures from friends, family, and our significant others about why we were so close. Eventually his fiance asked him to quit talking to me and he told her he would. He told me about this and asked if I would continue to talk but not let anyone know. I agreed. It took the pressure off us both.

    We continued to talk when we could, and I am ashamed to say I slept with him 3 times after his marraige – in a five month period. I finally decided this situation was not right for me and I had crossed every line I had ever drew for myself. I ended things in February of last year. It was extremely difficult for me to do and I don’t think I would have been successful if he had pushed the issue. Instead, he honored my feelings and agreed with me. Although neither of us quite knew how we had gotten in this situation (it was out of character for both of us) it had to end.

    I talked to him once in May of last year. It was a chance encounter that ended up being a 3 hour conversation to catch up. We had no contact after that until the end of November last year. He called and asked to see me. I told him no. He called again a few days later and explained to me that he and his wife had separated and were divorcing and would I please come talk to him. After a few more phone calls, I agreed.

    We did not start off where we had left off. We have slowly built our friendship back up just not to level we once were. We do not tell each other I love you like we used to do. Everyone does know we are talking again. Actually my kids and sister have always known when we did – I won’t be dishonest with them. We are both dating some, just not a lot. I have started sleeping with him again and we are sexually exclusive for the time being.

    I have went through a lot of agony over this relationship. Although we have always been honest with each other, there are things neither of us talks about. The past is a big one and so is the way we feel now. We are both… hesitant I guess is the best way to describe it.

    I am honestly not sure what I am doing here. I have definately built a wall which I know is a no no lol. I don’t know whether to just go for it and see what happens, or if that is a fantasy that cannot happen because of who we are. There is a connection and understanding between us that is very rare. Needless to say, the sex is out of this world! The problem is that I feel myself starting to get attached, more so each time we are together. Not just hormonally. I need to figure this out before I can allow myself to really feel for him again. As for what he wants, I homestly don’t know. I am too confused over my emotions to think about his.

    Any advise would be sooo appreciated!

  12.  #12Simply Shannon on December 11, 2009 at 10:33 am

    Dock: Puhleese on the “old gal” comment. Again PUH-LEESE. Serious eye rolling here. 🙂 You’re a pole dancing, weight lighting, sexy as hell lady. Old? My “jiggly” ass. Hahahahahaha!

    Ok, random thoughts for the day:
    1. Ever kissed someone and really thought that how they kiss would be the way that they will give oral sex? My super kisser man and I had a kissing session last night, and I caught myself MANY times thinking how good his tongue would feel on me. And when he put his fingers up to my lips, I felt my stomach do a somersault. Wowser. It struck me later that guys who were just so-so at oral were the guys who basically never did anything but put their tongue in my mouth when we kissed. I feel curious if anyone else has noticed this about kissing.

    2. I’ve really been practicing the art of letting a man kiss me. So basically my mouth is open and receiving but I’m not doing all the kissing back that I would normally do. I like kissing back a lot, but I’ve really been holding back. It feels so freakin’ good. Guys really take charge of kissing if I stop kissing them back so much. And every guy I’ve kissed since doing this has commented on how much they love kissing me. Not that guys didn’t comment before (because I am a good kisser 🙂 ), but this just feels different. Like they are amazed at how good it felt. It feels like I’m putty in their hands. I let the guy move me however he wants (tilt my head, pull me closer, set the pace of the kiss). I highly recommend trying this if you haven’t already! No more showing a guy what a pro-kisser you are. Just receiving. Yummy!

  13.  #13DocK on December 11, 2009 at 10:48 am

    SS – well thank you!

    and, yes, that whole oral and uh other oral thing – yup! Right on target. Enjoy!

  14.  #14Rori Raye on December 11, 2009 at 11:39 am

    Sherry – sounds like the movie (and great book) “Cheri.” I’m not exactly sure what’s going on. Going to jump off into a new post here – just keep doing what you’re doing for now – feeling your way through…Love, Rori

  15.  #15Rori Raye on December 11, 2009 at 11:56 am

    Hi, Paula – I got your email and replied – let me know if you don’t get my info and paperwork. Love, Rori

  16.  #16alias girl on December 11, 2009 at 1:57 pm

    yes docK i would feel honored and delighted to have a link to see your hot self doing your hot self thing. YES!

    Sherry I feel glad you are here and thank you for your vulnerability and sharing.

    simply shannon i Love your spirit. i feel inspired!

    i am a tiny less resistant to this post. i have started to read it.

    Paula i feel relieved you contacted rori. i feel happy you will find your way out of this. it sounds like a redo of a past trauma. i mean, with the extreme violation of boundaries on behalf of the therapist. what he or she is doing is illegal and he/she could lose his license. it is illegal for very good reasons in my opinion.

  17.  #17Melanie on December 11, 2009 at 9:36 pm

    Love the exercises. 🙂

    Sherry, I feel glad you are here.

    Anyone, I would feel appreciative of input on this:

    I feel like saying to TN man (via text), “I feel curious about whether you met any cute girls at your brother’s MBA graduation today. 🙂 ”

    We are not in a relationship. Just getting to know each other at this point. He knows I am circular dating, and is fine with it as we have not even actually met yet due to the long distance btwn us. But our interactions are wonderful and fun for both of us.

    Would saying that to him be VULNERABLE (good) or would it be NEEDY or CLINGY or LEANING FORWARD (all bad)?

    Thanks so much!

  18.  #18Tina on December 11, 2009 at 11:35 pm

    Dock, your butt is nice 🙂 I’m really going to set pole dancing as a fun goal for next year. I did commit to taking this course that I need to finish and a few other goals I have. I seriously am considering going back to the gym and do some serious weightlifting, Ive done it before. All I do now is my cardio and lite weights. I want to have a body like yours:) or close to it…

    Alias girl, what or why are you resisting, you mean the butt cheek exercise?

  19.  #19Tina on December 11, 2009 at 11:41 pm

    “truckman” kisses and smells my hair so I dont know about how he would be giving me oral sex 🙂 we havent kissed yet , it’s been a month now. He hugs me and kisses my hair, holds hands. I’m ok with that for now. I feel terrified of sex now lol, god this is bad 🙂 there was a few times I was sure he was going to kiss me but he didnt.

  20.  #20Mary on December 11, 2009 at 11:46 pm

    sherry! that is quite a story. i feel sad about the difficulty in the situation. it would be so happy if it was a match that you could share with everyone. sad that your main relationship is mostly a secret.

    shannon! i’m gonna be glad to try this kissing idea. a guy told me a few weeks ago that i do something that most women he has kissed haven’t done, and that’s basically to kiss him right back. he said it surprised him, but that he really liked it. but now i see that that’s the average response. i’m gonna try this leaning back. thanks for the tip.

  21.  #21Tina on December 11, 2009 at 11:48 pm

    We considered stealing a christmas tree out of a lot, was funny and I felt rebellious, we didnt though. By the time we can back from shopping all the tree places were closed.

  22.  #22Mary on December 11, 2009 at 11:52 pm

    what do you think of this?

    when i get with my man tomorrow night, i’m gonna say these things to myself over and over:

    he doesn’t need me. he’s just enjoying my company tonight. i can decide whether or not i want to see him again. either way he’ll be fine.

    i don’t need him. i’m just enjoying his company tonight. he can decide whether or not he wants to see me again. either way i’ll be fine.

  23.  #23Tina on December 11, 2009 at 11:58 pm

    Mary, I think it’s more about how you feel around him, paying attention to how you feel around him when you are in his presence is the healing part.

    At one point tonight when he brought me home, he held my hand and I felt an awkward silence, I didnt know what to say or do, I just said I feel awkward.

  24.  #24Mary on December 12, 2009 at 12:06 am

    thanks, tina. i keep forgetting about that. when i’m with him i feel happy. wonderful. i’m home. i used to feel so much fear because of the breakups. somehow, i don’t feel the fear any more. i’m just living in the present. but if we had a commitment, i think the fear would come back.

  25.  #25Mary on December 12, 2009 at 12:08 am

    i could say this to myself:

    i feel happy to be with him tonight. i don’t know how i’ll feel in the future. i’m gonna just love this happiness right now.

    or however i’m feeling.

    i feel fear when i’m with him tonight. i don’t know how i’ll feel in the future, but i love this fear. it’s giving me information that i need.

  26.  #26Tina on December 12, 2009 at 12:08 am

    That is correct, ‘fear of commitment” is at root of all our troubles 🙂

  27.  #27Tina on December 12, 2009 at 12:18 am

    Then we set up scenerios with guys who cant, wont or just not good for us. I hate that when that happens. I would be kidding myself if i just said oh I dont want a commited relationship right now, first because I know I am fearful of commitment and “commitment right now” just proves that lol. so like what the hell! Commitment is forever, I know this to be true. I get that much, I feel I want it, I have a sad feeling when I allow myself to feel how it would feel like, when I say to myself, I want a forever and ever commitment, I want love, then I feel sad, grr men want commitment, but I seem to be atracting the “wronge men” . I hear “truckman” talk about a future, like building a new home together, WE HAVNT EVEN KISSED yet. so Im all confused.

  28.  #28Kaitlyn on December 12, 2009 at 12:22 am

    You left out having big cans and tight abs like the girl in the pic…just kidding, great advice all around, Rori. I’m going to try these.

  29.  #29Mary on December 12, 2009 at 12:30 am

    i feel happy to hear that truckman is taking it easy with you. i think it means he thinks you’re special. and talking about building a home. that’s fun!

  30.  #30Tina on December 12, 2009 at 12:40 am

    Mary, He just sent me an email and says he is attracted to me both physically and emotionally. It’s only been one month. I feel it is wrong for me not to have other circular dates, its just the way it is. He says I’m the only person he wants to be with without question. so Im panicing and will date anyone at this point but no other man is stepping up.

  31.  #31Mary on December 12, 2009 at 12:43 am

    well, date yourself then! get busy, girl! i’m so HAPPY for you! i think it’s great!

  32.  #32Tina on December 12, 2009 at 12:43 am

    i will make sure that you never have to want for anything for the rest of your life, and i will make sure you have the luxurious lifestyle you deserve, and i will also show you all the love that is possible from anyone and i will make sure you feel as special as you truly are
    *yes a goddess

    This is what he writes :s

  33.  #33Mary on December 12, 2009 at 12:44 am

    are you on an internet site?

  34.  #34Mary on December 12, 2009 at 12:45 am

    oh, wow. that sounds like a proposal. what are you gonna say back? i recommend that you wait until tomorrow.

  35.  #35Tina on December 12, 2009 at 12:46 am

    well yes, the most emails I get are “your so pretty” ” I just wanted to tell you that”

  36.  #36Mary on December 12, 2009 at 12:47 am

    are you impressed with truckman? didn’t you say you live in a remote location? you’re not settling?

  37.  #37Tina on December 12, 2009 at 12:49 am

    I do live in a remote location, dates are not easy for me lol. he has to travel 45 mins.

  38.  #38Mary on December 12, 2009 at 12:51 am

    a trip of pure joy for him, no doubt.

  39.  #39Mary on December 12, 2009 at 12:53 am

    is there a dating club in your area? four plus four? it’s just lunch? you could join one of those. or just get social and be out and about.

  40.  #40Tina on December 12, 2009 at 12:55 am

    I just told him, we havnt even kissed yet, I jokingly asked him if he thinks we should ‘slow down” lol he says WHAT? NO NO NO then says “are you serious? lol

  41.  #41Mary on December 12, 2009 at 12:56 am

    or go out with some of those guys who think you’re pretty. you could ask them out if you’re not really interested. but… who wants to do that! however… it is very nice to compare. it gets more complicated when the guy gets more invested. so now is the time if you’re going to circular date. when sex is not happening. – my opinion, of course!

  42.  #42Mary on December 12, 2009 at 12:59 am

    i mean, if i don’t marry R., and start completely over, i plan to circular date. i LOVE the concept. it just didn’t work for me this time around because my ex came back into the picture, and because the new guy decided he loved me right away. wow. good problems to have! uncharted territory for me.

  43.  #43Mary on December 12, 2009 at 1:03 am

    dating two guys at once like that made them CRAZY. and me, too. and i don’t want that for me right now. too chaotic. maybe later.

  44.  #44Tina on December 12, 2009 at 1:14 am

    I just dont ask men for dates, I was never like that away, so this is natural for me. Rori suggests not asking men for dates but who knows maybe it works.

  45.  #45Tina on December 12, 2009 at 1:16 am

    I could do it, I have no problem with it, I can email a guy and say hey wanna go on a date?

  46.  #46Tina on December 12, 2009 at 1:20 am

    Would I have to pay? I dont like paying for dates, I dont even like paying for my half. Hey wanna go on a date with me but your paying ok.

  47.  #47Mary on December 12, 2009 at 1:38 am

    yes. i agree with you. i don’t ask men out, either. i think rori’s right about that. i just meant, if you’re not serious, and trying to fast-forward circular dating, you could do it. but it might not feel so good.

  48.  #48Tina on December 12, 2009 at 1:39 am

    For me it gets chaotic when Im out with “truckman” and I start five second looks with men in the same place, I do some of the tools, it gets chaotic. I had a chance to go shopping like two hours away and I did a lot of my tools there in the mall. I smiled, I did five second looks, I walked. I was driving yesterday and I was going to allow this man to walk across the street then I realized he wasnt budging until I passsed, I think this is a man thing lol.

  49.  #49Mary on December 12, 2009 at 1:40 am

    maybe not the best suggestion. because then you do get into the ickkkky problem of who pays. maybe better to flirt with those guys online until they ask you out. or date yourself. some people just date one person, and it works out. i have two friends who just got married. they didn’t date anyone but their guy. no problem.

  50.  #50Tina on December 12, 2009 at 1:40 am

    I”ve noticed a lot of “man things” lately when I am able to lean back and watch, I didnt get upset at the guy for not taking the chance to cross the street, I was like oh he’s doing a man thing cool. I felt like a Goddess.

  51.  #51Mary on December 12, 2009 at 1:42 am

    when i’m out with a guy, i don’t do the tools with anyone else. he is the king for the evening. that works for me.

  52.  #52Mary on December 12, 2009 at 1:42 am

    i love man things!

  53.  #53Mary on December 12, 2009 at 1:45 am

    once this guy came up to me in a grocery store and said something very classic – i don’t remember what – and i got the feeling that he was just practicing on me. i don’t think guys are that intuitive, though.

  54.  #54Mary on December 12, 2009 at 1:45 am

    so when we practice on them, they probably don’t know it.

  55.  #55Mary on December 12, 2009 at 1:48 am

    i looked at the RSS Feed for this Entry, and it was so cool. I loved it! so i pushed the button to subscribe, then changed my mind, because i don’t want this feed on my computer. now it wants me to subscribe every time! so i can’t use it…

    how do you get back to the posts? use the TrackBack URI?

  56.  #56Tina on December 12, 2009 at 1:56 am

    I am impressed with truckman for what he does for me, if he sees a need , he’ll try and fill that need for me, we have really fun dates. When I say needs I mean finacially or whatever, I talk in feeling messages, he listens and is intrigued. What I feel concerned about is if he does start to “feel”, I mean really feel like what he wrote in his message to me. Hey Im just practicing all the tools I can, we still have a long way to go. It’s only been a month. I do remind him I am circular dating even though I dont have any more dates lol. There are billions of men on this planet WILL AT LEAST THREE MORE STEP THE EFF UP!

  57.  #57Tina on December 12, 2009 at 1:58 am

    So do I tell him Im practicing “Rori Raye Tools” on him? like hey im just practicing until my forever man shows up, keep all your stuff to yourself?

  58.  #58Mary on December 12, 2009 at 2:10 am

    yeah, funny! you don’t think truckman is your forever man?

  59.  #59Tina on December 12, 2009 at 2:18 am

    lol, I dunno…

    It pretty much sounds like he wants to be though. I’m not getting that feeling, I’m not even sure what I mean by “that feeling.” I do feel good in his presence, I do feel care for, I do feel heard, I do feel like a Goddess, he likes my karoake rockstar singing:)

  60.  #60Mary on December 12, 2009 at 2:29 am

    but do you like him? do you admire him?

  61.  #61alias girl on December 12, 2009 at 3:05 am

    i might feel better NOT to read the men’s profiles. not to look at their pictures. go to the date blindfolded and just pay attention to how i FEEL. because this other crap is distracting me in a really negative way. NONE of the men i have fallen in love with in my past would write a decent profile. NONE if them would i pick based on a freaking picture and some weird three liner opening in an email.

    I might feel better to give people a CHANCE. how do i screen them then? based on what? argh.

    it is me. i just have this fantasy in my head about how the guy will be like and how he will treat me even to some extent how he might look or at least what ethnicity he will be.

    rgh. i don’t want to give up my fantasy. i really don’t. i want my happy ever after.

    i feel selfish and myopic.

  62.  #62alias girl on December 12, 2009 at 3:15 am

    cutie pie guy never called today like he said he would. blech.

    most likely he will call tomorrow. or probably email like a big pussy.


    and he will he like oh man oh oh no what blah blah blah (excuses) and he will practically beg BEG me for another chance

    and i will email back and say “sorry. it’s just a really big pet peeve for me when men say they will call and they don’t. i don’t want to go any further with this. good luck”

    (maybe it was some little “test” for him that he read in maxim magazine. ie don’t call her when you say you will the first time. see how she reacts. etc)

    yes well welcome to my little aliam test. if you don’t call the first time you say you will– you are done. literally. you are out of the running and are no longer even allowed on the castle property.

    go test someone else.

    and literally he will almost BEG. guarantee it. and then a month later he will text me. his number is not in my phone so i will have no idea who is even texting me. and it will say something like:

    ‘just wanted to say hi. if you ever want to give it another shot…’

    and i will say out loud to myself, ‘who the f*ck even is that?’

    and i will delete the text. and i will continue. ON MY HORSE. IN MY HAPPY EVER AFTER.

    because that’s what it means to me. my happy ever after is my happy ever after and i am not going to have some random guy taking me off course with their stupid maxim tests.

    i am going to pay attention to the men washing raspberries for me.


  63.  #63alias girl on December 12, 2009 at 3:24 am

    i feel very rockstar. looks different for everyone. i can only go by how i feel.

    today has been a very rockstar day for me.


    thank you.

  64.  #64Mary on December 12, 2009 at 3:43 am

    you sound mad to me. but i’m taking you at face value! haha. so yes, you feel rockstar! it think that’s good!

  65.  #65Mary on December 12, 2009 at 3:44 am

    i feel happy you feel so powerful that you can say see ya. and then wonder who might be texting you months from now.

  66.  #66alias girl on December 12, 2009 at 3:59 am

    i actually feel deeply disappointed about the whole thing, mary. and I don’t want a man that disappoints me, you see. that is no longer anything i want. like flourscent lights. I learn as I go what i like, what i don’t. what i want, what i don’t.

    and so i felt deeply disappointed. and so it feels very rockstar to no longer take jobs that feel awful. and to no longer date men that feel awful.

    and it felt awful as well to read comments that have HAHA!!s in them in weird places.

    obviously mary you Weren’t taking me at face value as you claim. as you stated right up front that i “sound mad” and for some reason that is funny! to! you! exclamation point! and you feel good about it! haha!

    rgh. i feel totally annoyed and aggressive.

    I don’t want people kicking me while i am down. thank you.

  67.  #67Mary on December 12, 2009 at 4:05 am

    well, when i wrote “you sound mad” i automatically realized that i wasn’t taking you at face value. i was laughing at myself, because i’ve been promoting face value. not laughing at you! AT ALL. so sorry!

    rockstar is fantastic. that’s what i feel good about it. and that makes incredible sense. i LOVE the way you can now say no to a guy. i’m not there yet, but i’m working on it!

    i’m with you, alias girl.

  68.  #68Mary on December 12, 2009 at 4:08 am

    and i really loved your surge of energy last night. you were gonna get out there and do whatever! i seriously don’t know what to do about the guys i’m seeing. probably why i’m here.

  69.  #69tinque on December 12, 2009 at 7:56 am

    ““I feel curious about whether you met any cute girls at your brother’s MBA graduation today.”

    No Melanie, please no. sounds awful, needy, way needy, and insecure. please don’t.
    ask if he a nice time. tell him you missed him if you did, not much more than that.

  70.  #70laughing goddess on December 12, 2009 at 9:15 am

    I’m with Tinque on that Melanie. When I read your question, my reaction was no no no, do not say that. If you are interested in him romanticaly I would not say that. That is a conversation you have with a guy FRIEND.

    Just my two cents 🙂

  71.  #71laughing goddess on December 12, 2009 at 9:22 am

    in my opinion, if you said that he would either think

    A. She’s not being honest and is trying to probe


    B. She’s just a friend and then he will start telling you about all the women he is attracted to.

    Of course there is the possibility of…

    C. It could open up deeper dialogue but if you really want that it would be better to simply be honest and say wow, I noticed that I am feeling nervous wondering if you met a cute girl today. I feel weird about that because we haven’t even met yet. What do you think?

  72.  #72laughing goddess on December 12, 2009 at 9:28 am

    I guess for me, the bottom line is…if I were him, I would feel unsure of where your question is coming from. Much better to communicate with feeling statements. Your question feels more like the “innocent question” that Rori calls a no no. It’s getting into his business rather than sharing how you feel.

    I really hope this helps. I’m feel nervous that I am being too harsh.

  73.  #73laughing goddess on December 12, 2009 at 10:09 am

    I have a question along those lines. Would it be leaning forward to write an email to a man saying in feeling messages that I had a good time with him the night before?

  74.  #74tinque on December 12, 2009 at 10:13 am

    laughing goddess – I just love that name….it would have been nice if you could have said it in the moment, when he dropped you off, eg. “This feels so nice. I had a good time.” something like this.
    Since that didn’t happen, I would wait until he contacts you again, and then you can tell him it felt good spending the time you did together, that you had a good time…

  75.  #75Simply Shannon on December 12, 2009 at 10:16 am

    LG: I agree with Tinque. I struggle with this one too because I almost always want to do the same. It feels better when the guy contacts me first to say he had a good time. And I usually let the guy know when he’s dropping me off that it felt good to be with him (if it did 🙂 ).

  76.  #76Mary on December 12, 2009 at 10:16 am

    i love your name too, lg.

    morning, tinque!

  77.  #77Mary on December 12, 2009 at 10:17 am

    i love my name too!

    love, mary

  78.  #78Simply Shannon on December 12, 2009 at 10:33 am

    AG: I feel curious about your post. I feel concerned by the resistance I read in your posts. It feels defensive to me. I liked what you said about not calling being a pet peeve. It feels good to say my time is valuable. The only thing I might have changed is just leaving out the “I don’t want to go any further”.

    I feel open to giving guys chances. They are figuring all this stuff out just like we are. Maybe he got busy and he thought it would be rude to call late. I dunno. If something like that happened with a friend, I might not be so quick to dismiss. Again it feels good to say my time is valuable but mistakes are made and people eff up all the time. It’s a learning process. If I eff’d up, it would feel good to be given some slack (to a point). Does that make sense?

    I don’t want walls up. I still choose who I let in. I still choose what I will tolerate and what I won’t. I don’t want to be so rigid that no one is allowed a chance.

    I feel compassion AG. And I feel hopeful my message reaches you in that way. Besides I’m going out with frogs, and I feel selfish because I want someone else to be going through this with me.

  79.  #79Tina on December 12, 2009 at 11:03 am

    Alias girl that is so cute, I would like a man to wash raspberries for me. I probibly would feel a little uncomfortable like it was “my job” to wash raspberries, still sounds awesome to have my “fovever” man to wash my raspberries.

  80.  #80Tina on December 12, 2009 at 11:06 am

    Melanie, I agree , that does come off a bit strange, kinda like hey there! did you meet any goddesses while you were there, cause I sure aint a goddess and if you can find someone better then go ahead, but I’m still here waiting…

  81.  #81laughing goddess on December 12, 2009 at 12:46 pm

    Hey Tinque and SS,

    Ya, I see your point. It does feel like leaning forward. Better to say it that night and or when he calls next time. Thanks for the feedback and yes, I love my name too 🙂

  82.  #82laughing goddess on December 12, 2009 at 1:06 pm

    I’m ready to circular date…and I don’t mean flirting with guys I pass on the street. I’m talking real live dates with real live men! I have lots of very good guy friends and I feel pretty satisfied with the amount of male energy I have in my life but I’m not interested in them romantically. Honestly if it wasn’t for the lack of physical affection (and By that, I mean SEX) I would feel satisfied. I mean these guy friends are doing all sorts of things for me, helping me, giving me gifts, we have sweet emotional connections. It’s really awesome…but where’s…but where’s the sex?!?!?

  83.  #83laughing goddess on December 12, 2009 at 1:08 pm

    Oh ya, and I also really wanna be pursued.

  84.  #84laughing goddess on December 12, 2009 at 1:10 pm

    chased, wooed

    Although honestly that’s scares the crap outta me too.

  85.  #85laughing goddess on December 12, 2009 at 1:40 pm

    Does anyone else have that fear of being pursued or have any insight as to why it feels so scary?

  86.  #86Melanie on December 12, 2009 at 2:01 pm

    Thanks for your feedback, everyone!

    Tina’s words rang true for me, and almost made me cry, because I realized that’s how I was feeling: “kinda like hey there! did you meet any goddesses while you were there, cause I sure aint a goddess and if you can find someone better then go ahead, but I’m still here waiting…”

    I feel sad and scared that I feel that way! I feel like a goddess most of the time, but I feel like HE can find a more goddessy goddess and would choose her over me. He is so gorgeous and smart, he could attract anyone — someone who looks like a model and is more attractive than me in every way. He literally has women throwing themselves at him. I sometimes wonder why he is interested in me at all. (He says I am “very fun,” for one thing, but I imagine he could meet someone more attractive who is just as fun!)

    My self-esteem is not low, and I have three local men I am circular dating who are very interested in me (but I don’t feel any chemistry with them, among other things).
    I just feel I am being realistic about the fact that a guy who could have any girl he wants would probably choose someone with more of the traditional appealing traits (looks, social status, sophistication, etc.)

  87.  #87laughing goddess on December 12, 2009 at 2:01 pm

    SS: I agreed with what you said about how we all eff up and deserve some slack. It feels so endearing to me when I make a mistake and someone tells me it didn’t feel good but doesn’t hold a grudge.

    I am learning a lot about this from living in a small town. I grew up in a big city where people would come and go. But here the community is very tight and close. I am seeing how important it is to work things out with people rather than just writing them off because I will most definitely run into them again. It feels good to learn a new way of being and I appreciate the depth of connection that comes from living this way.

  88.  #88laughing goddess on December 12, 2009 at 2:20 pm

    Melanie Melanie Melanie,

    I feel sad to hear this but also excited because you don’t have to go down this road.

    I feel inspired to share a personal story and I feel hopeful that it may shed some light on the subject.

    I met J online first also and I had a very similar reaction. We had a great connection but he looked so gorgeous in his pictures and I felt super intimidated by that. I felt exactly the way you described. So we met in person and he was very complimentary of me and my looks but I didn’t believe it. We had a short lived romantic connection but it didn’t last long due to my insecurities. Immediately after he started dating a woman who is way less attractive than me in the traditional sense. I was so shocked to realize that he didn’t care about looks at all. She had confidence. So many people have said to me, “I can’t believe he chose you over her. You are so much better looking and more his type”. I feel weird saying that. I feel scared I will sound conceited. But seriously, several people said that and I can see it’s true. So basically he was dating this girl for a year and still is (not in a committed relationship though). Just recently he and I have started spending a lot of time together but we have some hurdles to get over from our past.

    I don’t want this for you. He was ready to date me initially. My insecurities blocked it from happening. Then, based on his actions, I saw that what I was insecure about doesn’t even matter to him. You seriously don’t have to waste your time going down this path! Don’t do it Melanie. You are a beautiful goddess and a man would be lucky to have you.

    I have seen time and time again with my guys friends that looks do not matter to them nearly as much as we woman think.

    On a side note, J came over last night. I had on a cute hat and my hair in braids. He complimented me right away and then a few minutes later complimented me on my hair again. It felt so good!

  89.  #89laughing goddess on December 12, 2009 at 2:25 pm

    I meant to say they couldn’t believe he chose her over me.

    Ugh, it feels terrible to say that. I guess in reality he didn’t choose her over me cuz I didn’t give him a chance to choose. My insecurities pretty much made it impossible for him to choose me.

    Ugh ugh ugh.

    I’m so ready to let these insecurities go!

  90.  #90alias girl on December 12, 2009 at 2:26 pm

    thank you simply shannon.

    i can only be where i am at. i feel very challenged to let Any humans close to me. i have lived a life mostly void of supportive, close, personal relationships or family and so i am adjusting as best i can to letting people in.

    i can only go by my feelings. if i still feel a need to protect myself from men who on one of their first chances to impress me/care for me. his first promised FIRST PHONE CALL (“I will Definitely call you tomorrow”) and he doesn’t call – i feel highly triggered. I don’t feel interested in giving him another “chance”. there is no background of caring or trust established and on his first opportunity to establish trust he completely disregards.

    i am sure there is something for you that highly triggers you, simply shannon, that i would feel like ‘ah what’s the big deal?’ but i would not wish to dismiss your feelings around that issue as they are there for a reason and you have to do what is best for you.

    i feel appreciative of your intent. we are just two separate people going about things in our own way. i trust my feelings will guide me. i felt fine stepping into that strange man’s truck the other night. i felt 99.9% sure that no harm would come to me by doing so. if HE did not call me when he said he was going to, i might (or might not) feel majorly put off by it but i would probably not just exclude him or end it entirely.

    but if the whole road up to the call has been weak to begin with and really how many weeks later is it until he even got to a phone call? many. and why? because I told him i felt uninspired and didn’t want email affairs. so i bascially had to prompt and lead with my don’t wants. which i feel turned off by.

    so i am following my feelings to my happy ever after. that is the best i can do. i would rather not get in my head about it and compare myself to what others would do.

    I feel amused by the word “concern”. it often feels like a cancer word or like i might teeter and fall into a meat grinder or something. it just feels so grave to me. but i feel amused and laughing about it and feel pretty sure the intent behind it was loving.

  91.  #91laughing goddess on December 12, 2009 at 2:38 pm

    Also now, when we are together, sometimes I see him staring at me and I can tell he is admiring my beauty. I was always physically attractive enough for him. I can’t believe I ever tortured myself about it.

    Another interesting thing about is, when he first met this woman he wasn’t attracted to her physically. But as he got to know her he found himself becoming physically attracted. She isn’t the normal body type he likes but he found over time that changed for him and he finds her body sexy even though her body type isn’t what would traditionally be considered sexy. When he told me that he found her sexy I felt very disturbed but I also felt more respectful of him. I found it endearing that he could see past her physical “flaws”.

  92.  #92Melanie on December 12, 2009 at 2:46 pm

    LG, thanks for sharing that story! I feel encouraged and hopeful. 🙂

    Could you share with me how your insecurities made it impossible for him to choose you? I feel confused about insecurities. I always thought, like you said, that insecurities are a turn-off to guys, but HE actually told me that my insecurities are “cute” and made him want to tease me (in a playful, loving way). That confused me. The fact that he said that was a reason why I would have even CONSIDERED texting him about meeting cute girls at his bro’s graduation…. I would get to share my true feelings, and he would see it as a cute insecurity and he would have a playful yet encouraging response…. So I feel confused.

  93.  #93laughing goddess on December 12, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    I put “flaws” in quotes because they aren’t really flaws, just not the typical standard of what is considered sexy in our culture.

    Man, that experience really opened my eyes and helped me understand what (most) men really want which is a soft feminine woman that they can serve and protect.

    On a side note, I have also learned so much from observing their relationship. It started out well, she gave him space, learned back but as the relationship progressed she started calling him all the time, pushing for a commitment, being very masculine. At one point he was considering marrying her and having kids and now their relationship is pretty much over. I always considered him the commitment phobe type but I can see I was wrong about that too. He wants to love and be in a relationship but he wants it to be with a woman…a goddess who has the qualities we are learning to express here.

  94.  #94laughing goddess on December 12, 2009 at 3:08 pm

    Hey Melanie, I just saw your post. I feel happy that you feel encouraged! I really want that for you. Our situations feel so similar and I feel excited for you to take a more pleasant path than I did.

    What I meant about my insecurities making the choice is that because I felt sooooo insecure I couldn’t be present when I was with him. I felt too ashamed to just be myself. I was always trying too hard. He only got to see glimpses of the real me and the rest was a contrived show I was putting on. No well-rounded person could fall in love with that.

    It feels very promising to hear that he thinks your insecurities are cute. That’s awesome! And let’s keep it that way by not letting your insecurities run the show.

    As far as talking with him about it, I would suggest using feeling messages rather than an “innocent” question. It’s more honest and real. Guys can see right through our questions and I have found that they respect us a lot more if we are honest.

    If you feel it’s necessary to bring up, I would say something like…

    “I am feeling intimidated by how attractive I find you. I feel scared because I think you probably have all sorts of women throwing themselves at you. I feel bummed that I feel insecure about it. I just want to have fun and feel good and not worry about these things.”

    Or whatever is true for you….

    How does that feel?

  95.  #95tinque on December 12, 2009 at 3:25 pm

    Melanie – about insecurities, we all have them to one degree or another, men too, but I believe women are more prone to them due to what? society, the media, I don’t know, and it doesn’t matter.
    The thing is when you can be vulnerable with your insecurities, not needy, when you can be open about them and not use them to push him away, then they can serve you. It’s not to say you wouldn’t want to keep working on letting them go, but the cuteness comes from your vulnerability. Vulnerable is good.
    I too have some deep seated insecurities which I have worked on and worked on, and though they are better, they may likely never go away entirely, and I know I’m not alone with this. K is well aware of them, and he too can find them cute or at the very least be okay with them if ever they interfere.
    So please don’t beat yourself up over having them. Again, we all have them.
    I hope this helps.

  96.  #96laughing goddess on December 12, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    melanie, I also noticed that you said by asking the question you would be sharing your feelings with him. How bout just directly sharing the feelings rather than disguise it in a question?

    I agree with Tinque that we all have insecurities. For example, I feel sooooo attracted to J. He is one of the hottest men I have ever seen. My mom said he looks like mathew maconohey (sp?). But he has his own insecurites. He doesn’t even think of himself as good looking.

  97.  #97laughing goddess on December 12, 2009 at 3:40 pm

    My point is, that even though you consider this guy to be super hot, he probably isn’t thinking “ya, I’m super good looking and could have any woman I want”. He probably just thinking he wants to find a woman who is cute, fun, and playful.

  98.  #98alias girl on December 12, 2009 at 4:00 pm

    matthew mccaughney!!! holy moly! YUM! lucky you!!!

  99.  #99laughing goddess on December 12, 2009 at 4:26 pm

    Ha ha! Yes AG, he is a handsome handsome man. I’m getting tingly just thinking about it. I seriously get swoony and weak in the knees when I look at him. It’s kind of overwhelming tho’ too.

    But…I can handle it. I can let a super attractive man love me. I can do it!

  100.  #100alias girl on December 12, 2009 at 4:40 pm


    mmm i want a man i feel weak-kneed about. YES!

  101.  #101laughing goddess on December 12, 2009 at 4:56 pm

    Oooooo AG, I do believe that is coming for you! You know, 99+% of what we want is there before we see the physical manifestation. That means your love could be right on the brink of revealing himself. You could receive a phone call or bump into him on the street, or whatever any second. What if you knew it was really this close. How would you feel?

  102.  #102Melanie on December 12, 2009 at 5:25 pm

    Thanks, LG and Tinque. I still feel unclear about what appears to be a fine line between “needy” and “vulnerable.” How can I know (at any given moment)which one I am being?

    LG, the hard thing is, he DOES know he could have just about any woman he wants — women are constantly making that clear to him. I know a man who knows him personally, and that man says TN man is almost irresistible to women with how cute, charming, smart, fun, etc. he is. And TN man seems to be well aware of it too.

    As far as feeling messages, my strongest feeling about the graduation genuinely IS curiosity. I feel somewhat scared and insecure about whether he met someone there, but since we have no commitment to each other, I mostly feel curious. Like, I would like to know so that my feelings can be based on what is really happening, rather than my wild imagination about what might be happening. Like, right now I’m curious. But if he says “yes, I met a great girl,” then I will feel sad and worried about losing the interaction I have with him. If he says, “nope, didn’t meet anyone,” then I will feel happy and relieved.

  103.  #103tinque on December 12, 2009 at 5:39 pm

    Melanie – I still say your curiosity is “not clean”. What difference does it make? If he’s with you than you must trust him. If he’s not than honestly it’s none of your business. Your business is YOU. Take your mind away from what is he doing, thinking, feeling. It will get you into trouble every time. Focus on what YOU are doing, feeling, thinking. That’s all that matters.
    The fine line between needy and vulnerable will come clear in time, mostly.

  104.  #104alias girl on December 12, 2009 at 6:12 pm

    HAHAHAHAHA YES! Laughing goddess i would (and do) feel YES!!!!!

    i would feel yesyesyesyesyes! (and YUM!)

  105.  #105Simply Shannon on December 12, 2009 at 6:35 pm

    AG: I feel bad if what I wrote sounded like I was dismissing your feelings. I was writing how I might react to it but I don’t know the whole story. My reaction was just different than yours. You’re right. Your triggers are your own and my triggers are mine. Thank you for sharing your feelings about what I said. I am terrible about giving advice. This is something I struggle with all the time. I do not like this about myself. It feels annoying when it happens to me and yet, here I am still doing it. Grrr.

    Melanie: I have the same insecurities about my looks compared to other women but I’m slowly learning that looks only level the playing field. I mean, pretty is pretty is pretty. If a man can have any pretty girl he wants, what makes any pretty girl different from another pretty girl? Her soul, what’s inside of her. With Rori’s tools and being soft and strong, I can outgirl any other woman out there. 🙂 On an opposite note, I’ve been out with men who are super good looking but we just didn’t click. That made them less attractive in my eyes. I would imagine the same is true with men.

    LG: I want what you described to AG. Maybe it’s even a man that I know now and somehow I’m just not seeing the real him yet. That feels exciting, like true love is right here, so close. I feel excited at that possibility.

  106.  #106alias girl on December 12, 2009 at 7:33 pm

    thanks simply shannon. i feel appreciative of your words. i knew the intent was love behind it even in the beginning. or maybe a mixture of love and being triggered by my way of going about things. also i feel compassion. i constantly want to get into people’s business and “guide them along” the best path. haha. as IF i could possibly know the best path FOR THEM. i only can be on my own path. yet, still, i always feel an urge to “help” by changing THEIR behavior rather than just being an example and speaking from my own point of view.

    what’s funny for me too is that i often want to give advice to people in areas of their life that i have not yet mastered in my own. hahaha. i used to get so frustrated (controlling) at one of my ex co workers because i would give her love life advice and she would not heed it.

    hahaha. AS IF my love life is a shining example of romantic bliss. hahaha. but i did try and turn her on to rori and she was intent on throwing men in a cage and laser focussing. and well anyway that is her own business.

    but i feel appreciative of our dialogue simply shannon and i feel very inspired by being with you on your journey. also i feel appreciative of your support.

  107.  #107Daria on December 12, 2009 at 7:37 pm

    I feel frustrated hearing that you guys are bashing yourselves about your advice giving. I have felt much supported and inspired and helped by the advice of both of you.

    I feel comfortable giving my advice even though i feel frustrated when it’s not followed and i have my Control thing.

    I don’t wnat to feel bad about offering help. I feel glad to be able to practice sharing in a way that is sharing rather than controlling.

    I feel calm about people sometimes getting triggered.

    and mostly i feel annoyed by the self bashing! “im terrible at giving advice,” “oh i suck at this im controlling”

    and me too

  108.  #108Daria on December 12, 2009 at 7:38 pm


    Quit bashing yourselves! Put the Hammer Down!


  109.  #109Flipper on December 14, 2009 at 11:35 am

    Yay Daria, that feels so ‘right’ (good) said like that. AND I still feel my insecurities, and feel that Tinque is ‘right’, too – we’ll all always still keep feeling them. So SOMETIMES I’ll feel bad about doing/risking/daring good FOR others. But mostly I can get over it more quickly and easily, whatever the outcome: receiving gratitude for advice that was accepted or accepting the refusal of the advisee. And still dare another time, in the caring EFFECTIVE way that feeling messages and feeling grounded in ourselves allow.