Have You Wasted Years of Your Life on a Man Who Can’t Be With You?

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Some of your stories make me feel so excited I want to dance on my desk, some make me want to pound the wall and scream, some just make me want to fall on the floor and weep.

Here’s one that enraged me, made me fall to the floor weeping, and required me, from my very soul, to come up with a positive, encouraging way for Sara to go here:

“Dear Rori- I am in a bad situation with a man who I believe I have given too much to, and am potentially wasting years of my life with. I have been in this relationship for almost 4 years now and I don’t want to think I have made this investment for nothing, with a man I truly believed (up until a few months ago) was my soulmate. I need your help, to know whether I should even try to make this work, or just dump him and move on.

I met Derek almost 4 years ago, when he was just separated from his wife. We fell passionately in love very fast. I had never felt a connection like this in my life – I wasn’t looking for it, and had tried to resist it but it was way too strong. I had everything in common with this man… we were young (both around 30)… and quickly feel fast in love. He was newly separated from his wife of already 10 years and high school sweetheart – the only woman he had ever been with … until me. The sensitive part of this story was that he was not yet divorced.. and this is a fact that I am not proud of. He also had a 5 year old son. It was a very hard thing for him to go through and I was the person who helped him get through all of it.

The entire process took almost three years from the time I met him until he was fully and completely divorced (in NY you need to be separated a full year before you can even file, and then there was custody, and money battle, etc) so it was a tough process. I stood by this man the entire time, and stayed loyal to him. The entire time he was loving and caring, and always planning our future together. We had planned to be married and start a family within a year after his divorce.

As soon as he signed the divorce papers however, something in him changed and I could sense it right away.. he became a little distant. He started going out with his single guy friends a little more and they were egging him on to date other women and go “NUTS” telling him he just got out of a “10 year prison”. Furthermore, he had only ever been with one woman in his entire life, and this had always scared me. Now that he was free and out on the town, his friends were all over him, and I could see it was affecting him.

I forgot to mention that Derek is an extremely good looking man. Girls practically throw themselves at him when he is out. It is very rare that a man this good looking, and successful is SO inexperienced with women. When I confronted him about his recent distance, he said nothing was going on.. he said he simply “feels liberated” to finally be “free” for the first time in his life.. he said it feels great to be a “”single man” and out of that 10 year marriage, he feels like he just got out of prison.. he actually said it was fun to go out and get attention from girls (even though he didn’t want to act on it), he said he felt like a “kid in a candy store”.

Immediately I said we need to go to the therapist. This was such a sudden change in him. Derek was ALWAYS SO INTO ME, up until even one MONTH ago. For the last 3 years this man had been OBSESSED with me. With everything about me. Who I was, the things I said, the thoughts I had, he LOVED the person I was… he was the one who always was chasing me. I never had to question his feelings for me. This was a shocker.

We went to the therapist and he said he had NO desire to break up, that he loved me and wanted to be with me.. but that he was suddenly realizing that he had never been on a date in his entire LIFE. He said that he thinks before he jumps back into a serious relationship with me he should go on some dates and get that experience, or else he thinks he is going to regret it for the rest of his life. He said that all of his friends were telling him that he would be INSANE to jump right back into a committed relationship two weeks after he got out of a 10 year marriage to the ONLY woman he had ever been with.

He said anyone he spoke to about it said it would be the biggest mistake of his life to start something with me without having some “single” time first. He said if he doesn’t do it now, it will come back to “haunt” us later in our relationship. He suggested that he take 2-3 months of time to date other women, but said he wont want to sleep with anyone, just physically GO on these “dates” to get the actual experience, so that he can say he “dated”.

SO after me already waiting so many years to be with him, I now have to wait another several months so he can play the field too??

How am I supposed to handle this? Is it fair that he is saying these things and doing this to me? Does he have ANY right to feel this way or do this? What should I do? Is this a relationship worth working with or is this a guy I should completely kick to the curb?

Thanks so much. Sara”

And here’s my answer (and, Sara, it’s very, very tough):

The important word here is “wait.”

I have known women who successfully married a man who they “stood by” throughout his long, hard divorce. Actually – one woman.

And yet – the literature is full of women who get their married man. Look at Rielle Hunter. Elizabeth Edwards, John Edwards wife, finally could not sustain another minute of humiliation and had to kick him out. But look how long it took her.

So – do you think Rielle and the new baby are going to step right in…or do you think John is going to use his freedom to date every woman he meets? My guess is he’s going to say to Rielle exactly what your man said to you. “I need to sow some wild oats. I need to play – out in the open.” And yet – I’d put my money on her to end up with him.

If you sit still and do not Circular Date (it’s not just about dating, it’s a Tool for practicing new behavior and thinking and feeling) at this moment NOW – then you WILL be wasting your life. I’m so glad you’re “getting out there” – but for you – right now – that means ACTUALLY dating – and PRACTICING.

Up to now, you did what you felt was right, but now you know better and must date – just as he is. Leave him alone. Let him work this out – and let him MISS you. You’ve just been so THERE for him, so loyal, even though he wasn’t available – you must end that NOW.

You must DATE him, and date others, too. Love, Rori

And when I emailed her back, with this answer and asking for permission to answer her letter here, she followed up with this:

“One last thing I wanted to add Rori- for the last few weeks I actually HAVE been leaving him alone and giving him his space… I told him I am going to date too. (it has been about 3 weeks) And he said ok we will both do our thing for a little while and date and he keeps contacting me and telling me things like “I’m excited to get back together in a few months”… and “I cant wait till we are back in full swing” etc etc.

I actually HAVE been getting out there and he senses it, so he is literally texting me EVERY night asking me what I am up to, who I’m going out with etc etc. He contacts me 10 times a day to still write “cutesy” messages, to try to find out what I’m doing, and to let me know that he is already getting tired of the dating. But on the other hand he is still not telling me “I miss you, lets get back together” etc. He still wants to have his cake and eat it too. He still wants to keep living this “single life” and try the dating scene but he wants to also keep tabs on me and communicate with me every day.

Another question I had is: What do I do when he contacts me everyday? Should I just IGNORE HIM? He literally sends me 10 texts a day. DO I ignore him altogether?”

And here’s more answer from me:

I’m going to talk to all of us from here…

Why do you suppose he’s calling and texting Sara so much?

Is it because he “loves” her?

Is it because she’s his “anchor”? His “friend”?

Is it because he doesn’t want to “lose her”?

If I were Derek – I’d do exactly the same thing. I’d date. I’d sleep around. I’d have a high old time and get some experience and variety and see what’s out in the world. And I’d pray the man standing by me would hold fast and wait for me.

It’d feel stressful and yet liberating. Having that man there to call and text would make me feel steadier.

Let’s say the man “makes a show” of “getting out there” and “being okay” – but I know he’s not.

Now – when I’m “done” sleeping around and experimenting – what’s going to happen for me?

Am I going to want to return to the “true blue” man who’s been waiting patiently for me, loving me?

Am I going to meet another man who’s more exciting for me – perhaps a man completely out of my comfort zone because not only am I free from the husband I escaped from, I’ve discovered so much about myself I didn’t know, and discovered that I have different needs and wants and desires than I thought I had?

Or am I going to burn out from fear and boredom and come to my senses and realize the waiting man is the one for me?

And the answer is – it’s different for a man than it is for a woman.  Because I’m a woman – there are all kinds of variables here: Do I want children, do I want to settle down? Is he a good provider, a good man?  Do I feel good about myself when I’m with him?

But for a man – it’s different.  The answer all depends on one thing – It all depends on the level of attraction I’m feeling.

So the answer for Sara is to inspire in him the most intense attraction possible for her – and at the same time, to build up her self-esteem so that she doesn’t NEED him to be attracted to her.

And the action steps for those two things are the same! Because – the more Sara builds up her self-esteem and love for herself, the more she stops beating herself up over the last 4 years and creates a rockin’  good life for herself – FAST, NOW, this MINUTE – the more attraction she will create around her.

So – back to us women in Derek’s shoes.

What if the “true blue” man who’s in love with me and waiting for me (even though he might be trying to show me that he’s NOT waiting for me) cuts off communication and contact? What if he disappears from me? Starts REALLY dating another woman – or tons of women, and stops taking my calls – or returned maybe a text every couple of days saying something like – “I feel good…things are great here…” – perhaps just because he’s BUSY, and because it doesn’t feel good in his gut to be emotionally distracted by all my calls and texts?

Well – that would make me feel anxious, right? It would make me want to call him even more…to cling to the stability he gives me by waiting around and loving me. That would make him look different to me. That would create more attraction.  More interest.

BUT – would it make me drop all my experimenting and go sign up for a wedding with him?

Depends. I’m a girl. Girls are very different from boys. Sara is very different from Derek.

If I were truly “in love” with the waiting guy – I’d be done experimenting in about 2 seconds. If you want to be with someone, you want to be with someone. But his “waitingness” would dampen my enthusiasm.

I remember that in college, there was a boy who loved me.  He wanted me, wanted to marry me – but I just wasn’t there.  He didn’t light my fire – I needed to see the world, feel passion…(and now – I see that I so needed to do that – even the heart-breaking parts…). And after college, he went away to law school.  He was in pain, because it was the college that took him, but he wanted me to be with him.  And he knew I wasn’t going to marry him and travel there with him.

We did see each other occasionally after that, when he’d come home…but then I met another man (a man I write about a lot), and that was the end of his hopes.

The thing was – there was a time when I was very “into” that boy.  It was at the beginning – when I was a freshman, and he took me out and I was TOTALLY into him.  And then he dumped me, cold.  He started dating my sorority sister, and it was icky, and I moved on to other boys…and then…he wanted me back.  And there was nothing there for me.  I dated him, I did – seriously – for my whole senior year, hoping that feeling of being into him would come back to me – but it never did. I’m not sure than anything he could have done would have re-created that feeling for me.

Real life with him was way different than the wide-eyed idea of him I’d had at the beginning.

And yet – my TRULY forgetting about him and having a fabulous college life and a new boyfriend – even though he was always around in my world – caught his interest and made him come for me – full bore – again.

I can’t promise, you, Sarah that Derek will revive his interest in you.

I can promise you, however, that every moment you WAIT for him – EMOTIONALLY – and there is a big difference between “getting out there” for show and really, emotionally being available to other men – you dampen his feelings of attraction.

Derek’s enthusiasm for you is already being dampened by your eagerness to have him. He knows you’re just “dating” because he is – and he KNOWS you’re not serious about it.

He KNOWS it’s HIM you want. He’s a good guy – and mostly – he’s trying to avoid hurting you, but he KNOWS he’s hurting you – and so he’s soft-soaping you and doing everything he can to keep things AS THEY ARE. He’s doing everything he can to keep CONTROL of this situation – and of YOU.

So. You have to take control of yourself. Take his perception that he has control over your heart away from him.

DON’T LET him “keep tabs” on you. Answer his texts ever few days with simple messages, like…”Feeling happy the suns out…” or “Saw Avatar – wow…” or “Front page of the paper makes me feel sad…” or – you get the idea. Stay AWAY from talking about the relationship.

End the perception that you are HIS.

Instead – be YOURS. Let your heart belong to YOU.

Do NOT answer his questions about what “you’re doing.” And about dating:

This is serious. You have to not only “get out there” – you have to start KISSING other men. You have to imagine that this relationship with Derek is OVER and you’re starting fresh. I’d consider taking an actual lover. Yes, a man you sleep with and have sex with. Make sure he’s a good guy who ADORES you. And just consider it.

IF you could date Derek, TOO – without getting weird and uncomfortable and talking about the relationship, that would be amazing. If you could practice being open with him, and not closing off because of these other women – you’d do yourself a world of good – But it’s very, very challenging to do that. You have to be a rock-solid rock star, with tons of men revolving around you, tons of options, and a total sense of your diva-ness.

This is like “The Bachelor.” The women on the show have an understandably hard time opening up to a man who’s actively dating, hugging, kissing, getting emotionally intimate with other women they actually LIVE with – even though they’ve only known him for a short time. How on earth could you be “cool” under these same circumstances with a man you’ve known for a long time and love?

Is that possible for you?

It wouldn’t be for me. I know, in the past, in my old days – I would have tried to make this work. I would have acted my ass off and pretended to make it okay. I would have REFINED my “waiting” to make it look like I was “cool.” But my heart would hurt. There is no way to feel somewhere out in left field in a situation like this.

And every time you see him and he sees you, you’re going to feel pressured to be “cool” and yet “open” and using Feeling Messages, and he’s going to feel pressured somehow.

Dating a man who’s still interested in dating other women is always a bad thing.

Sara – I want you to Circular Date, and I want you to promise me that your life will start anew this second.  Forget about the past.  At this point, Derek is a man who’s texting you a lot.  Ignoring him is a wonderful idea.  How about you treat him like some boy who’s chasing after you in some weird way – like a fly – and just take your attention off of him.  Do what you need to do to stay “cool.” Do what you need to do to make yourself available for other men.

And Derek will either show up or he won’t.  I’m holding the space for you to have what you want – whether it’s in the form of Derek or not – so – put your Happy Ever After in front of your mind’s eye instead of a picture of Derek.

In my story of the college boy who loved me – the thing that stands out to me, and that I consider the rock foundation of much of my work is this: I was TOTALLY into that boy.  I was devastated when he stopped calling, dumped me, and starting dating a woman who was my sorority sister, my friend, my roomate. It was always in my face, what had happened.  But, when I TRULY went past it, and got a LIFE, and he came back for me – the person who’d lost interest was ME.

I was no longer “into him.”

And this is what I wish for you, Sara, and for all women who’re finding themselves in this situation. No pain.  Just boredom. And “Next….”

We’re all pulling for you. You can DO this..

Love, Rori

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189 Comments

  1.  #1Olga on February 8, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    Rori,
    How much I wish I could do this. My husband ran off with another woman .Just like in case with Sara, I always believed he was my most intimate and reliable solemate. In 13 years I can hardly rememer any disagreement between us. So, now I am on my own, going through all sorts of emotional states, no need to write about it-all in a predictable scenario. The pain has eased a bit now, after 7 months. We communicate occasionaly and I feel that he assumed this position of a “brother”, sort of caring, no more. Dating for me at this point is a completely unnatural thing, but I am doing my best. Contacting him first feels like a self-humiliation, not contacting is also torturous, and probably helps him to settle in the comfort of not being disurbed. He cries from guilt, but is not remorseful in the way I’d like to see it. I am very confused in all this mixture and mess of emotions, but in my trying to work out some kind of sensible behaviour, I find that I start “overdoing” by focusing on him, instead of me Wrong again! But where is ME??
    Reading your letters Rori is like a revelation, every time. But ,alas, it is so far from my real life, when the heart is bleeding and nothing can sooth this ache, apart from the wish to see him as he was before.
    I do cherish my emotions, or at least I think I do. I try to stop unravelling an enormous web of thoughts and inexplicable events. The most shocking thing I find is THE CHANGE. It is so frightening having to see a person you thought you knew icompletely different, just like facing an alien.
    Thanks for reading. And thank you Rori for being so passionate about what you do. I wish I had your beliefs and the strength of spiritual independence
    Olga



  2.  #2gina on February 8, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    Oh man this was SO GOOD. so very very good. Thank you Rori.

    Just talked to a man I dated over a year ago. Back then, he felt wound up tight and angry, like a teapot about to scream. He coped with lots and lots of alcohol, and I felt not-attracted. But I just spoke with him and for most of the conversation, everything felt so good. He’s all breezy healthy happy and successful. It felt tense when he asked me to come see his store that he built. I love the store idea. He feels so heroic right now. I love that he has gotten so many wonderful things done. A lot of what he was angry about, he is coming up with solutions for. And he was angry at the Government…and I’m telling you, he’s actually coming up with GREAT solutions…like he opened a Barter Post, which is actually a way to create competing currency, while paying the lowest possible taxes. He is playing by the rules, so I feel safe. But he is winning. I love that. He was telling me, that at the store, they are trading locally produced merchandise – blueberries, goat products, reusable safely-lined water bottles, gold and silver. He may be helping build a farm. He said something about Hemp and how it has “almost magical qualities” and I interrupted him and told him about my epiphany last night about how hemp could probably be used instead of plastic, and how I’d like to be a wife on a hemp plantation. He told me that there was an article written recently about how Hemp should replace plastic (my epiphany was correct!!!?), and he reminded me that Hemp farming is restricted by the government. And I said that was the only thing holding me back from my dream.
    He kept asking when I would come visit the store. I reminded him that I hate to drive. But, I ultimately decided that the trip to the store was worth it for me because he wants me to teach ballroom dance classes there. Plus, I would like to video tape interviews with him and his coworkers for my “Living Beautifully in Fort Worth” program. And I want to learn about how they have managed to create a competing currency that is being purchased by honorable statesmen, such as Congressman Ron Paul. They also have a radio studio show in this store where he’s been co-producing a program!! All that anger was applied to action, and I’m super curious, even though I could feel his waitingness and I began to feel uneasy. But I feel curious enough about the whole picture to take the train to check it all out. I’m trainin it there on Thursday….



  3.  #3Linda on February 8, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    omgosh… I lived this… he is no where to be found.

    Dating a man that is still interested in seeing other women is never a good idea. It feels crapy.

    That is not what I want, not what any of us want.

    Linda



  4.  #4Lucy on February 8, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    Wow. There is so much in this post that is really really helpful for me. 🙂 Thanks, Rori!



  5.  #5Lucy on February 8, 2010 at 2:08 pm

    But this is still the part I get confused about: “Dating a man that is still interested in seeing other women is never a good idea. It feels crapy.” (Linda)

    But doesn’t it feel crappy to the guys, too, when we circular date? Isn’t it the same thing? Why is it okay for us to circular date, and not okay for the guys to do it?



  6.  #6Daria on February 8, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    Gina – theres also a possibility of him picking u up and taking you to visit his store



  7.  #7Daria on February 8, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    Lucy – Circular Dating makes us more attractive to the men dating us. Yes it feels “crappy” probably, but MEN arent WOMEN!

    They don’t care so much that they feel crappy! They want to get that attractive woman… they are challenged!



  8.  #8gina on February 8, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    i know, I’m not going to do it. and i should definitely communicate that soon.



  9.  #9gina on February 8, 2010 at 2:48 pm

    well…, unless the weather is nice.



  10.  #10gina on February 8, 2010 at 2:49 pm

    but I mostly don’t like the idea of paying for the train.



  11.  #11Daria on February 8, 2010 at 3:02 pm

    Gina you can tell him you dont want to pay for the train, but would enjoy the ride by yourself as an adventure… what does he think?

    hehe

    some drunk guy last nite in the club offered to pay for my cab to get to the airport to visit him in LA…



  12.  #12Velvetine on February 8, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    I like this. Oh my I would NEVER wait for a man in this situation. It would feel yuck and humiliating. No man is worth that.

    I am intrigued about the idea of taking a lover as I have not had sex since splitting with my ex over a year ago.

    I don’t get particularly attached to men just because I have sex with them to the extent it seems other women do. The main reason I haven’t had sex yet is because I haven’t met anyone I find attractive enough/I think is good enough 🙂

    But there is also some fear that sex with someone else will make it REALLY over with my ex. Which is scary. But that’s why I think I need a lover 🙂

    Can you take a lover with someone you might want a relationship with? As I don’t enjoy sex unless I don’t have some kind of attraction.

    Also, even though I’m fine with sex earlyish in a relationship and it can feel good to me, I think I have this fear that this will make him lose interest.

    Any ideas?



  13.  #13Velvetine on February 8, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    As I don’t enjoy sex unless I don’t have some kind of attraction.

    I mean I do have some kind of attraction…I wonder if this is some kind of Freudian message.



  14.  #14Rori Raye on February 8, 2010 at 3:42 pm

    Lucy – Because your self-esteem, self-respect, and Happy Ever After are at stake here, and until a man decides to claim you, he doesn’t get you all to himself. If he feels bad about it, fine. Let him marry you to get you sewed up. If you’re the one not ready to marry HIM, than whatever would you be doing being exclusive with him? Either way – it makes no sense. The only thing that makes sense is Circular Dating. What you’re looking for is a man who’s ready to be with you forever. If he’s still dating other women, he isn’t ready. I’d go with that for a month or two – nothing really counts until the 4 month mark, and nothing really counts until you have sex with him, if having sex with him means more to you than sex. Love, Rori



  15.  #15Lucy on February 8, 2010 at 3:43 pm

    Velvetine, I had sex with one of my circular dating guys on our second date a few months ago — and he is still actively pursuing me (“wanna hike?’ “wanna go for dinner?” “wanna watch a dvd?” “wanna go play in the snow?”). I am totally Leaning Back– could not Lean Back any further without falling on my butt!!! Have gone out with him several times now, had sex about five times, and the last time (during sex) he said “I am addicted to you,” to which I responded with the first thing that came to my mind: “Uh-oh!” Lol. He is a nice guy, very caring and leaning forward all the time which is very very nice, but the sex is so-so and I am not really emotionally attached to him, not feeling what he seems to be feeling for me. Too bad!

    It would feel AWESOME and AMAZING for me to be into a guy that is as much into me as he is.

    I feel sad for him. I will have to end it soon.

    I want to want a guy who wants me.

    I want a guy I want to want me.



  16.  #16Daria on February 8, 2010 at 5:10 pm

    Olympics guy who flaked on setting a date for an airballoon ride last week now wants me to be his date to a basketball game where he’s gona be honored and i might get interviewed!

    And now he’s seeing about sending a townscar or limo to pick me up!



  17.  #17Siena on February 8, 2010 at 6:10 pm

    Bravo, Rori, RIGHT ON!

    I have also loved and lost… and waited for years… on a man who changed his mind once he realized that I was waiting (although I did my best to hide it at the time).

    I agree with you wholeheartedly that a woman, when faced with this situation, the best thing a woman can do is to really and truly MOVE ON.

    In the past, my desire to wait on a man was wrapped up in fear. Fear of being alone, of being humiliated in front of family and friends, and of losing the love that sustained me for many years. It feels scary to leave a man you love and date others. If feels scary to think that he could find someone he loves more and leave you forever.

    It feels really really scary to give up on a dream that you have with one man. It feels like you will be alone forever, never love the same way you did, and — possibly worst of all — it feels like you’ve wasted valuable years of your life on someone who isn’t going to be there long term! Years that you could have been making babies (or whatever your dream is).

    But, I also know from experience that waiting around for him, answering his calls, being his friend… ANYTHING less than turning around and RUNNING in the other direction does no good, and actually lessens his attraction (just like Rori says).

    I’ve found that when I address that fear within myself, when I come to terms with it, and then focus on what my dream is for love, life and relationship… everything seems to fall into place.

    Because the truth is (contrary to what the fear says), that when a good man decides that he wants a woman, he makes it VERY VERY VERY clear, regardless of where she is, what she’s doing, or who she is with. Men have waged war for the love of a woman – why should Sara’s man (or mine) do any less?

    Perhaps Sara’s man just needs to feel like he moved mountains to be with her. What I would say to Sara is: give Derek the gift of being the most desirable, most difficult woman to catch that ever was… your name means “Princess” – become that Princess that your man has to slay a dragon to get to. The dragon is his own fears, his ‘what ifs’, his friends’ opinions, his failed marriage… whatever his issues are.

    And if you do it this way – the way that Rori recommends, if he is the right man, he will fight for you. And when he finally wins you, he will love you all the more for it, because he will feel like he achieved something that was almost impossible!

    And if he’s not the right man… well then, believe that you were still given the gift of being let go so you could find your man. Your job is to believe that you are WORTH fighting for, and wait for the guy who really and truly steps up to the plate.



  18.  #18mary on February 8, 2010 at 6:26 pm

    Eight guys responded to my CL ad to go for a walk and a hot chocolate! Yes, this is leaning forward. No, I don’t care. I would just like to walk with them and talk with them. Possibly backfire on me? Let’s call it a post-R experiment.

    1 = just for sex; i said no
    2 = married; i said no
    3 = 28; says he’s “respectful and fun”; i said yes! (i just have to ask him what is the attraction to older women)
    4 = insisted that i call him tonite; i said no about calling him, but it looks like a day tomorrow morning.
    5= hasn’t gotten off work yet
    6=?
    7=?
    8=?

    Hey, it’s exciting JUST TO TALK to these guys in an email! Imagine when I’m dating.

    3 men responded to my Plenty of Fish profile. All want a date! None do I like, but I sent polite hellos to all.

    I have no idea what I’m doing, except getting my feet wet! It feels so dangerous.



  19.  #19mary on February 8, 2010 at 6:27 pm

    daria,

    i think you did a quantum leap from driving to them! now you’re getting picked up in a limo?

    wow. that’s fun.



  20.  #20mary on February 8, 2010 at 6:33 pm

    even just a basketball game is fun. and he’ll be honored! so cool! and maybe you’ll be interviewed! that is rockstar.



  21.  #21Daria on February 8, 2010 at 6:48 pm

    Mary that is not leaning forward!!???



  22.  #22Daria on February 8, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    lol! that is leaning back and sharing your desires… and 8 lean forward men are JUmping at the chance!

    AWESOME!!

    dude i feel scared of CL, but it seems other Goddesses have success wtih it



  23.  #23Daria on February 8, 2010 at 6:51 pm

    Mary ! wow!! talk about attractive! you rock!



  24.  #24Daria on February 8, 2010 at 6:55 pm

    the Olympics guy was just interviewd on ESPN radio.. and he mentioned that he’s excited about his beautiful date for tonite

    !



  25.  #25Kimberly on February 8, 2010 at 7:21 pm

    Oh my goodness. You’re so dead on, especially when it comes to attraction and how men think one way and men think the opposite when it comes to attraction. Well done you.

    Kimberly



  26.  #26Lisa on February 8, 2010 at 7:21 pm

    Rori’s advice here is spot-on:

    “I’d consider taking an actual lover. Yes, a man you sleep with and have sex with. Make sure he’s a good guy who ADORES you. And just consider it”

    It’s not that I’m louche; too far from it! When I was so hung up on my ex-, who had totally rejected me, I took on a lover. Which is really absurd to say in retrospect, as there was no mainline relationship to be compromised. There was nothing bad misery and rejection.

    Yet I felt so guilty because I didn’t love him. As in Lucy’s case, he professed “adoration” which I didn’t reciprocate.

    Wow — I didn’t even know HOW to feel good. This felt so alien. When I got positive feedback from my counselor about this, I felt like maybe it could be o.k. to do this. And boy, was it. Absolutely the very best thing for me.

    There is actually a school of thought that says sex without love can be the best and most liberating sex, as there are no expectations, and I have found it to be true. As long as we’re up front, and not mimicking his professions back to him out of guilt, it is good because we are being authentic! I feel free and have slowly been able to take his love as Rori recommends we do with ourselves, and shower myself with it — just a little! — because I am so unaccustomed to taking.

    But he is offering, so who am I to cut it off if it feels good, is helping me, and he is enjoying himself? I do not think I will marry him, but he is helping me over a rough spot. He knows that — everything is up front, and I just smile when he says, “So when are you gonna marry me.”

    I’ve learned about myself from him: He is so keen to impress, that he overdoes it in the agreeability dept., and I find this a turn off! I find myself wanting to put distance, and to even start little disagreements, just so I am not stifled by what feels like his contrived desire to be pleasing. THIS USED TO BE ME!

    I am very turned off when he mimics an expression of mine, such as my responses in bed. I want him to be a discrete individual, and not my carbon copy.

    Boy, talk about a self-indictment! I remember how pleasing I used to try and be with my ex, and how I only listened to him and showed interest in him — totally against Rori’s way! But, I am learning. This man, too, is showing me lessons via self-reflection.

    Rori is right: Lessons abound, and it is counterproductive to truncate our lessons. CD is the only way. There is so much to learn, and many masters to teach us 🙂



  27.  #27Daria on February 8, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    Im sitting here feeling worried this date is not gonna happen… the limo isnt here yet and i just called him… he said he’s checking on it… that was like 10 minutes ago and i havent heard back
    what going on?

    i feel sad



  28.  #28Daria on February 8, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    I’m all dressed up with red lipstick and my mom even helped me arrange my collar… i feel kinda down…



  29.  #29Turtle Girl on February 8, 2010 at 8:14 pm

    Oh my oh my, this is quite the post!!!!
    Whew!! But what a response. Perfect advise I would say. Awesome Rori!

    I find it really interesting the part about how later you found the boy “boring” after he wanted you back. It’s true for me as well. I have been away from toxic man for a bit now and I am circular dating. I currently have 3 men in rotation, but none I have taken as a lover just yet. But I am really getting close to being ready to do that. It’s been about 3 months since my break up. I went target shooting today at the indoor range with one guy from POF and had a blast!
    Another is gonna be my movie buddy and another I have met but I am emailing a lot and getting quite bored with that. Either he steps up and asks me on a real date or that’s it-I am done. But it FEELS fabulous. I feel so redeemed and sexy and not thinking about the exhole like I was. I am free and not wanting him back. I went from feeling completely devastated to well, not really giving a crap what he’s doing. Waiting around would have been the worst mistake ever. I am SO glad I got off my arse and stated dating and getting out there immediately. Salvation!
    Life is good! There are lots of really nice men out there ……I no longer feel needy, dull, and desperate-I got my game and it is soooooo much better than what I was going through-crying every freaking nite, depressed, pathetic actually. Icky poo poo!!! With all the men I feel so much more self confident that I don’t need any of them and I can choose-not them. I love it.

    Lisa-
    I find your story fascinating! Can’t wait to hear how that one turns out! Wow!



  30.  #30Turtle Girl on February 8, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    Mary-

    Good job! Good for you posting a CL ad. I have done that as well. It’s not leaning forward I don’t think. They are responding to you. I think leaning forward to me would be ME responding to a guy’s cl ad. I know know, that just feels weird to me, like they are picking and choosing the girls, and I want to be the one picking and choosing the men. That feels more like leaning back to me.



  31.  #31Daria on February 8, 2010 at 8:19 pm

    okay coming thru… i might be on ESPN or ESPN2 in an hour, half time of the Warrior Game, they’re inducting my date into the Hall of Fame for Track



  32.  #32Daria on February 8, 2010 at 9:25 pm

    I would like to be addressed in general, not with intent to criticize, with feeling messages:

    so far the only feeling message heard about this was Soignee’s intial “i feel uncomfortable” the rest has only been thoughts, or the word feel put over thoughts… or “i feel offended, i feel abused” which are kind of like being HURt, that is someone has to offend you or abuse you,

    so although they are feelings that doesnt mean you Are abused etc.

    so all I hear is Soignee feels uncomfortable, it triggered for her a scene at a train in Milan

    i would feel happy for Soignee to look to HerSelf and heal that trigger

    Lisa’s message contained no feeling messages.

    Linda’s message contained no feeling messages.

    Your message contained no feeling messages except that you felt like biting your colleagues head off, which sounds cool!
    hehe



  33.  #33Robin on February 8, 2010 at 9:39 pm

    “Answer his texts ever few days with simple messages, like…”Feeling happy the suns out…” or “Saw Avatar – wow…” or “Front page of the paper makes me feel sad…” or – you get the idea. Stay AWAY from talking about the relationship.”

    Im now wondering if this is the kind of thing I need to say to Fav guy. I was ready to tell him I felt pissed.

    Today is my birthday! I invited him last week to my moms spades tournament, didnt hear from him all week, then sat got a txt ‘when’s the spades tourney? how are you?’

    I told him it felt great to hear from him, that my mom wanted it before ash wed, so it would either be the 13th or the 20th. Then I said i feel great, Im celebrating my bday early!

    He asked about my bday and I said, ‘yes, its monday, but Im partying early, the dallas bachata festival is here!’ So he sent back ‘wow! happy birthday! enjoy the festival!’
    So sunday, before church service, he comes upstairs (I had no idea this was going to happen) and he hugs me and greets me and says “I wanted to come up and wish you happy birthday b/c I knew I wouldnt get a chance tomorrow and I have to leave right after church, Ive got food cooking on the stove..”

    And at first I thought hmm..thats weird I guess I’ll have to see if I hear from him tomorrow, he cant be serious..”

    And yet he was, and as soon he left, I thought, wait a minute, that feels terrible, no thats not acceptable for me.” He spent the whole of 1 minute upstairs with me, and that’s just a joke..

    Thats ridiculous…

    I thought he was joking.

    And I think there’s just no way on this planet that the next time I see him Im going to be able to not say how pissed Im feeling and say something like, ‘this coffee feels so great’ or something totally related to the moment and totally true, b/c my icky feelings are just way more powerful than my good feelings at this point.

    Im just not satisfied with the amount of contact I have with this guy. So I want to say “Man, I honestly thought you were joking about not talking to me on my birthday. I feel really pissed…

    And then I would have to just stand there and stay open ( and I think I can do that)

    But I just dont think I can stand to see him, and choose to NOT SAY ANYTHING about how crappy it feels right now…I dont know whats going on, but it feels crappy. I miss seeing him, I miss hearing from him, and I want to ask him what happened

    We’re seeing each other less and less…and Im not crawling into a corner and dissolving, so I feel distinctly stronger than I did when my ex broke my heart, my hearts not breaking now, and I think its b/c Im stronger on the inside

    And he may not be obligated to me in any way at this point, but i expect to hear to hear from a man Ive been dating for 4 months on my birthday, commitment or no commitment



  34.  #34Tina on February 8, 2010 at 11:56 pm

    This reminds me of an old boyfriend from when I was 19 feeling pissed off at “truckman” for dating me lol. Old b/f is about to be married oops! even “truckmans” friend that I met over the weekend said there was “something about you” hmmmm. He is way feminine , I outgirled him though until he actually shared some cookies and bought me an iced tea lol, it’s not about the cookies and the ice tea anymore lol. I could feel myself wanting to “help” him but I stayed leaned back completely and totally. They had a “discussion” about who was going to please me lol. It wasn’t so much what was said but more in leaning forward , the masculine energy feels so sexy to me 🙂



  35.  #35mary on February 9, 2010 at 12:19 am

    hey Robin! do you live in Dallas?

    where is your church?

    i’m gonna be in Dallas for two weeks…

    it would be so cool to see you!



  36.  #36mary on February 9, 2010 at 12:19 am

    if you’d like that… not sure, because i’ll probably go with my kids. they go to Watermark…



  37.  #37mary on February 9, 2010 at 12:20 am

    daria,

    i’m so glad your date is coming through! let us know how it goes.

    : )

    i feel excited for you. i feel glad.



  38.  #38mary on February 9, 2010 at 12:50 am

    first i’d like to say that i think this is a brilliant post!

    * * * *

    that being said, and i feel a little like a rebel here, but as i’m embarking on a bit of circular dating, i thought i’d just present this other view that i just read, from the eBook “Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.”

    i would be interested in anyone’s comments about this.

    * * * *

    “He told you that he was dating other women, but you asked no questions about it and continued to date him

    It is a guy’s prerogative if he wants to multiple-date but when it’s a relationship that you want, you
    shouldn’t be around him. If you have been involved with this guy, it is a classic example of hearing crucial, red flag, information and completely ignoring it. This often happens because at the time when you were told, you didn’t want to appear as if you were pushing for exclusivity too quickly. Often, the woman that ignores this information doesn’t raise the question further down the line, even when they’ve been with the guy for an extended period of time and are even sleeping with him.

    The reality is that men who are uncomfortable with messing women around won’t date several women at a time.

    Any guy that continues to date multiple women and has them vying for his attention while he juggles them cannot be emotionally available. It is impossible. This is another guy who is hedging his bets, and the act of juggling means that he doesn’t get to know any of you properly and can give himself license to keep his options open and remain non-committal. If you don’t ask about it, you’re a danger to yourself because from the moment he presents the information and you fail to react and continue to see him, you have let him know the value of your currency…and it’s not good.

    Men like this take their cues, not so much from what you say but what you do, which is interesting because their words and actions rarely match, but he would expect you to trust in what he is saying.

    Mr Unavailables use their tried and tested methods to push the boundaries and to see which women
    respond to them. If you walk away when he conveys this type of information, he deduces that you’re too
    good for him, that you place a greater value on yourself, and you’re unlikely to put up with his bullshit.

    Stick around after he has revealed this information and he decides that you have low self-esteem, you’re
    far more amenable to his behaviour, but you don’t make an ideal girlfriend because you don’t see him forwhat he is.

    You did ask him questions about the women he was dating, but you still dated him

    From the moment that this happened, you were just one in a long line and likely became fixated on
    asserting yourself to pole position and being the one that could change him. You gained some brownie
    points for asking him questions, but you either didn’t ask the right questions, or you chose not to listen to
    his answers and think about where that placed you in his mind.

    Social messaging has allowed us to think
    that we have to accept when a man is dating several women, but we don’t. A man who is emotionally
    available and thinks that there is a possibility that things could develop with you won’t run the risk of
    losing you or messing you around by having several women in the mix. He’s still dating the other women
    because he’s unsure about you. In fact, he’s unsure about all of you.

    If you stick with this type of Mr Unavailable, he won’t think you’re great for sticking with him and reward
    your efforts with an exclusive relationship: he’ll just think he can do what he likes.”



  39.  #39Linda on February 9, 2010 at 6:33 am

    WELL SAID Mary….

    I am headed to Florida w/S today. I really dont want to waste my $ on the ticket by not going.

    S has been withholding from me. Emotionally he was open but lately he closed up. I feel I know why. Bottom line… he does not value a relationship with anyone. Not even himself.

    I believe he thinks he has me. That I am whipped and his. The more he behaves this way the more disgusted and uninterested I am in him. We went to a super bowl party Sunday the whole way there I did not really talk. We got out to go in and he said “honey are you ok”? I said NO. I dont feel well, physically yes.. emotionally no. I feel uneasy and not strong at all. I need some TLC…. When we were at the party, he touched me, put his arm around me, was complimentary of the food I had made and brought…” wow… there was a man inside the zombie that I had been with earlier in the weekend. It was the first time he had done anything like that in over a week! When we got back to his place, he unloaded the car and said… “aren’t you staying”? I said NO… He attentively looked at me…hugged and kissed me, thanked me for going with him. I did not hug him back, I just left, he said “be careful.. I love you”….. I just kept walking. I said nothing. II would rather sleep alone in my own bed and be comfortable than sleep alone in his bed and feel rejected, while he sleeps in his stupid chair.

    Yesterday I did not call him or text him. He text me in the morning. He called me in twice last night. I was shocked.. he usually does not make the effort.

    I am bored with him. If this is what he is going to be like I am not interested. He is more trouble than he is worth to me. Not worth the effort for what he gives back. This week away will be the deal breaker or sealer with me…. If I dont start getting what I need when we get back I am breaking it off with him. I am angry about all this.

    I am not blind or dumb, I am not gulible or desperate. I want a man who wants my heart and wants to give me his. I am looking for a shared life and I am ready for it now. He says that is what he wants with me, but is not coming thru with it.

    Thats okay, he can do what he wants.. but no longer with me around. I feel better now. Getting out my feelings here, brings marching orders and a resolve.

    In the meantime, I will get a tan, have fun, and lean back. He will get no attention, compliments, “we thoughts”… nothing. It is going to be about me and how about you pay attention to that for once!

    I love my resolve… I rock!

    Linda

    Your words here are just confirmation to me. When I read it I said “yep that is so true”!….

    I am glad to have read this post as



  40.  #40Tracy on February 9, 2010 at 8:33 am

    Totally love this post!………….I feel so grateful for circular dating and how i am now able to express my feelings.It feels good to be honest and open my heart.
    I am also dating guyz who are all over me…I haven’t experimented with sex coz i haven’t met anyone i feel close enough.I love that ii am meeting more men and i have learnt so much of myself through them.
    I feel more liberated and in love with myself…
    I feel that my happily ever after is close by



  41.  #41Robin on February 9, 2010 at 9:19 am

    Mary, yes! Absolutely. I would love to meet you! When will you be in town?

    Ladies, am I wrong about the birthday thing? Am I overreacting?



  42.  #42mary on February 9, 2010 at 9:58 am

    hi Robin,

    I’ll be in town Feb 15th – Mar 1st.

    Not sure I can come to church, because of course my kids will want me to go to Watermark. Will you be singing at your church during the time I’ll be there? I’d love to drop by if it works!



  43.  #43mary on February 9, 2010 at 10:07 am

    hey daria! how was your date?



  44.  #44gina on February 9, 2010 at 11:33 am

    Idea from left field: I was considering what itd’ be like if “the bachelor” judged the women by her virtue. That’s what I was expecting my husband to do. I used to try to be so perfect cause I thought my soul mate was going to judge me, but it turns out that he doesn’t want to judge at all, he just wants to love and be loved.



  45.  #45Sonja on February 9, 2010 at 11:41 am

    I know this is off topic(kinda is kinda ain’t)…
    how would I go about writing a feeling message to a guy (who i like very much) for valentine’s day? i would like to connect with him even more. I want to capture his heart and make him mine.



  46.  #46Robin on February 9, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    Mary, yes I will be singing several times during that time, the 17th, 21st & 22nd and the 27th & 28th.

    Also, if you are up for it, there are some great places to practice Circular Dating, a lot of parties, dancing, if you like that, also some GREAT places to eat! Email me at robinmariewillis@gmail.com

    Haha, my ex called me this morning and said ‘Happy Birthday!’

    I had to laugh. I didnt have the heart to tell him you’re a day late buddy 🙂 I did thank him.

    He then asked me if i was working I said yes, & he’s like ‘oh, you’re working on your bday?! Can you leave a little early to take your car in?’

    My tranny is acting up, I need to take it in to get a diagnostic at least, and he’s been trying to take me to the car shop. I’ve been putting it off, and I’ve got a day off tomorrow, so I could do it then, but Ive got a couple of other things going on that I need to chk on.

    So I told him this, and he’s like well we could meet tonight and I could drop you off at your house, I could meet you at the car shop tonight at 8:30 or 9, or I can pick you up tomorrow and take you, Im free between 10 and 3 tomorrow.

    I told him I’d get back to him.

    Im not sure why he wants to help me, but I told my mom I could drop the car off there tonight, stay with her, and have her drop me to pick it up in the morning, so I could get my other things done.

    Hmm, I dont want to be cactus-y with him, so I fell like letting him help me, I just need to see how I can swing it without shifting my schedule too much, b/c I have things I want to get done tomorrow.

    Hmmm….



  47.  #47Robin on February 9, 2010 at 12:56 pm

    Just found this great quote:

    “There is no person, thought or idea, memory, feeling, or sensation out of the past, in the present, or ever to arrive in the future that could stop me from my success”- ND



  48.  #48Daria on February 9, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    Gina – me too!!!!! omg i used to think I would get judged on my virtue and how many men i don’t sleep with etc and that all men want a woman basically like a virgin or want to marry a virgin so i will be virgin like in demeanor (yeah my best friend got that in my head hmm… i adopted it from her like I adopted that i should give to other people first and give All of me from my other best friend/cousin and like I adopted that i have to dress socially acceptably and secretly stratgezie and break men’s hearts from my cousin)… wow!! then I realized it IS about love and NOT about judgement

    i got that fromthat lil wayne song I wouldn’t care if you were a prostitute, and you hit every man that you ever knew, long as it was way before me and you baby…

    and also because my boyfriend married my nyphomanic best friend because he “felt it in his bones”



  49.  #49Daria on February 9, 2010 at 2:16 pm

    Mary the date didn’t happen! What’s more he said the limo was lost, then he was getting interviewd, then he would call me, but he never called!

    I felt scared because I told my mom about this date and I felt scared she was going to attack me bout it but she didnt. I talked to her about how I thought he mihg tbe lying and she said yeah he was lying his ass off (she often says stuff believing suspciious stuff of people )

    well im thinking he may have been lying and I dressed up with a knee length Red vertical ribbed cotton dress with no sleeves and a turtle neck. I had a slim brown patent belt and I had brown sunglasses on my head and brown patent shoes with 1 inch heels. I had red lipstick wiht super gloss and black eyeliner.

    I LOOKED SO GREAT!

    I put up siome pictures on myspace..

    and THEN I TOOK MYSELF OUT !!!

    to a bar! A very popular bar here monday nites, – THE SECOND TIME I WENT OUT BY MYSELF –

    I felt FANTABULOUS.

    I felt sad in there sat at the bar and had a beer, feeling sad, moving very slowly, feeling like a Goddess, and so many men were watching me. IT felt easier to look at people than usual. I got bought drinks, danced! I felt so good dancing

    I used Alanna Pratt’s tool of letting the EARTH fill me up with Juicy Goddess energy and relaxing my pussy etc…

    wow I danced so well.! people on the sides were commenting my dance moves!

    the cool thing was I didnt do Push dance moves, I just swayed, without forcing my body, and i felt Wonderful.

    The men I was dancing were trying to kiss me, kept getting so close to me, even trying to bump me back, but i held my space using the Earth to fill me up and continue doing my Goddess dance.

    It was crazy how they liked me. Two guys got my number,

    I saw one man I knew before, whos my friend but he said something weird – that he doesnt want me to tell our other friends about our business – last time I was with him, and I felt bad and weird so I didnt like him anymore really

    but he danced with me and said outta nowhere – that I WAS INTOXICATING –

    hhahaha

    I was moving slooowly and I felt SO INCREDIBLY GODDESSY

    GOD it was Wonderful

    I also saw the two men who previously i had those Horror dates with where they didnt take me back home – (and on the second one guy who said I was intoxicating was the one who rescued me)

    they were Talking like friends ! hahah!!!

    the first Horror date, which was the worse one, saw me at a different bar the night before, I was in a good mood, he said hi, i said hi, he said can i have a hug, i said no and left.

    the second one, saw me tonite, he looked at me and said hi, I said hi, he said how are you I said good smiled and looked away

    Gosh I just loved loved loved it.

    Even in between, one man said to me wow your dress looks great, and I looked him in the eye and smiled, I was looking the dancing guys in the eye, feeling SOoo goddessy

    I felt AMAZING!



  50.  #50Daria on February 9, 2010 at 2:18 pm

    Robin I would let him help me if it ACTUALLY HELPED me. Not if it inconvenienced me.

    I feel confused about that man, former fav guy.

    I would tell him, I feel really weird not hearing from you as often as I used to, this feels bad… WHAT IS GOING ON?



  51.  #51Robin on February 9, 2010 at 3:54 pm

    Thank you Daria.

    I know I need to get the car fixed and Ive been putting it off b/c I dont like waiting…and I dont want to spend my day off waiting at the car shop

    I NEED to be at home, but the car shop said my car would be ready by 8:30 or 9am if I drop it off tonight, so I may just do that, and have him drop me at my mom’s, that wouldnt inconvenience me, and I dont want to NOT let him help me.

    Former fav guy confuses me too…I had such a GOOD birthday, so I wasnt stressing, but Im feeling pissed, and I really thought he HAD to be joking…I mean it was like, ‘you’re not important enough for me to actually call you on your birthday, but let me just go ahead and get this over with, so I can say that I wished you happy birthday..”

    that’s totally what it looked and felt like to me

    And thats just not good enough for me..



  52.  #52Starlight_29 on February 9, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    I think it’s a bit harsh personally, after being with someone you love and planned your future with to then just move on and start dating other men you have no intrest in and even to think of sleeping with another is a lot and probbaly make me feel worse, i would feel yucky and gross. Yes CD is to learn about yourself but so soon after being nicley dumped?

    Meeting new men would be the last thing on my mind and if i did i would only be doing it because i needed to act like im moving on, also for the attention to feel like im still wanted attractive ect, but is that dealing with the pain anger and rejection??

    Thats like your on the rebound

    And i agree why is it a man can’t date others but you can? if a man sees your still dating him and others why would he wanna marry you? wouldnt that seem like you like playing the field and your not serious about him so he would wanna keep his options open? i mean your saying i wanna be married but your dating so many others?? i know that’s how i would feel, it’s like your contridicting yourself but im a women, i don’t think like a man but im sure not all men think the same way…….. some may like the chase untill they get you then game over, new Goddess!

    WHAT ABOUT MEN WITH MORE FEMININE ENERGY HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THEM, OR DO YOU JUST AVOID THEM

    Im just here to learn……….i have so many questions LOL



  53.  #53Starlight_29 on February 9, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    Also what about having a normal convosation with a man, i get the expressing how you feel, but how do just talk to a man about general stuff or do you stop talking to a man unless he askes you somthing? are you allowed keep a convo going if hes getting a lil lost for things to say? im so scared on what to say now but i dont wanna seem bored or unintrested?

    How do you keep a convo flowing while using feeling words?



  54.  #54Daria on February 9, 2010 at 6:36 pm

    Starlight… read the book… read the posts… follow Rori’s advice…

    PRACTICE the tools and soon you will have your own answers.

    The TOOLS WORK!



  55.  #55Laughing Goddess on February 9, 2010 at 7:39 pm

    Daria: It felt great to hear about your date with yourself and what you were wearing. I feel inspired.



  56.  #56mary on February 9, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    hey there.

    circular dating goddess here!

    i just had my first of 6 dates (therapy sessions) that are booked, ending 6pm on friday night!

    more later…



  57.  #57Kay on February 9, 2010 at 7:53 pm

    And i agree why is it a man can’t date others but you can? Men typically date more than one woman, flirt with more than one woman, there life definitely includes being open to other options no matter how much they like that one woman. If he’s serious about you he will not want to date other women and if he does then why take him seriously? It’s better to know NOW than Later that your not a priority in his life because if you were he wouldn’t want to date, he would simply take you off the market.

    if a man sees your still dating him and others why would he wanna marry you? Let the best man win, if he wants you he will take you off the market, if he doesn’t really want anything lasting he will have no problem with a woman keeping her options open

    wouldnt that seem like you like playing the field and your not serious about him so he would wanna keep his options open? Yes it would and it’s the woman’s responsibility to let the men she date know that until someone she’s dating takes her off the market she will continue to date other men, you would be surprised how many men find this kind of attitude attractive.

    Some men, men that don’t want to control a woman will be fine with her decision to continue to date and it takes the pressure off of him to hurry up and make a decision about her, she basically isn’t making her whole life revolve around him so he never feels the pressure that some men feel when they are around a woman that completely shuts down her options too soon.

    but how do just talk to a man about general stuff or do you stop talking to a man unless he askes you somthing? Yes you stop talking, you lean back, feels awkward but if you want a man to lead well you let him lead and if he can’t then he can’t and you move on, you don’t help him date you, you don’t help him do what his part of the getting to know you stage.

    are you allowed keep a convo going if hes getting a lil lost for things to say? im so scared on what to say now but i dont wanna seem bored or unintrested? No your not allowed, he will talk if your patient and you don’t worry about his feelings, if you seem bored and disinterested it’s only because he’s leaning back like a girl and you refuse to be the male energy in the conversation, you just out-girl him, you lean back so far that he either says something or he miss out on getting to know you.

    That’s just my interpretation, I didn’t get in depth but that’s how I have chosen to handle my situations with men even the girly type men, I myself don’t feel good being the boy energy around men, I don’t feel good about myself so I just out-girl him until he steps up and if he doesn’t well he doesn’t and I’m okay with that and I move on and continue to circular date, they usually come back around with more initiative if I leave him to it.



  58.  #58mary on February 9, 2010 at 7:54 pm

    daria,

    i feel sad that you got stood up with your beautiful red dress on. i’m glad your mom was cool about it.

    i wonder if dancing and receiving compliments about your dancing (oh, that would be nice!) and the way you looked (even nicer) might have been more fun than sitting around in the fluorescent lights at the game? not sour grapes here, but it sounds way more fun to me.

    anyway… it’s amazing how you turned something negative into something so positive!



  59.  #59Simply Shannon on February 9, 2010 at 8:10 pm

    Subscribing for now.



  60.  #60mary on February 9, 2010 at 8:15 pm

    starlight,

    we’re thinking alike!

    what did you think of the comments i copied from the eBook “Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl?” (above in this post. i’d love to hear!)

    i also have so many questions about circular dating.

    and i went on my first today, 1 hour after my heart was ripped out by seeing R again. he asked me if i’d witness his signature on some banking stuff that he didn’t want anyone else to see. not a big deal, but i knew all about it because we were engaged a few years ago, so i told him yes, although we broke up a few nights ago.

    oh. i love him so! my stomach hurts just thinking about him. he looked so handsome today. he just isn’t marriage material right now. and it might not ever happen with me. so i told him in an email “I give up.” and i’m just not gonna try any more.

    so…

    when i put an ad on Craigslist that said this: “Brisk Walk and Hot Chocolate” in the subject line, and “Could be fun.” in the main body, I got 16 offers. i’ve got them lined up, culled many of them out, and booked six walks (and six hot chocolates!) in the next few days.

    your questions are my questions exactly! BUT… i don’t think Rori is suggesting that men can’t circular date, too. i haven’t heard anything like that in her CDs, but maybe i need to listen again. maybe you got that idea from the stuff i copied in my comment above?

    HOWEVER… this is why R and I broke up. He asked me to go on a cruise with him. I told him no. (it’s complicated, but that was best for me.) He was free to ask someone else (and I told him so…), and it might be that he took someone else. He went “by himself” as far as I know, while I was on a trip to Thailand – at the end of January.

    but before he left, he told me that he wasn’t gonna kiss anyone while he was on the trip. when he got back, he said that that was really hard for him to do.

    now, if I was really into the spirit of circular dating, i might say something like, “oh! I know! that must have been really difficult!” but i haven’t dated anyone else. I’ve just been studying and dating R only since early December.

    i wish i hadn’t broken up with him. it just makes me really want him! if i hadn’t done that, i might feel more nonchalantly about him now, AND i had already paved the way for circular dating, SO, i could have still done, it, but…

    (hope this isn’t too convoluted – please hear me out!)

    IT ALL FELT SO ICKY. in november, when i first saw him again, i was dating someone else, and the fact that i was seeing him AND dating the other guy too was just obscene to him. he said he’d NEVER do that to me.

    i think there ARE some men who are such quality that they just wouldn’t want to date a woman who was dating lots of guys at once.

    for me, it’s gonna be a way of getting the guy i want, then keeping him until the relationship gets to a certain level. i’m picturing it like this:

    i date lots of different guys, as i’m trying to do now, although YES, it feels awful, (except today the guy told me i was beautiful!), and NO, i don’t want to! I just want to sit around the house and mope about R.

    but… some of those guys are gonna like me a lot! instead of having the hard conversations with them, i’ll just keep circular dating lots of guys and some of them won’t like it! they’ll drop out and new ones will take their places (hopefully…)

    then, there might be a few that I’M CRAZY ABOUT! and they might not like me dating other guys either. but… they will have come on the scene of me dating lots of guys, and they’ll take it as a challenge that THEY’LL BE THE ONE that’ll make me stop and date just them! sooooooo… i’ll be very interested, and if one of them shows signs of being a Mr. Unavailable, I’m hoping that I say, “sorry, i’m busy…” and move onto someone else that i’m already dating. (that sounds like a lot of protection to me) and… hopefully this process will lead me to my One and Only for Life, and i will live Happily Ever After with my dream man.

    oh, i wish that man would be R!

    and thank you for letting me go on and on about R! because i’m STUCK.

    i love my stuck feelings. i’m hoping to gently nudge them on with another therapy appointment (date) tomorrow…



  61.  #61mary on February 9, 2010 at 8:22 pm

    Rori, could you please talk about sustainability?

    Is there a happily ever after?

    And if so, how do you get through the mid-life crises? How do you get through the glances at other women? How do you stay sexy and get older? (yes, i’m reading the book! thank you, daria. thank you, TINQUE!)

    If people want what they can’t have, how are they gonna still want you if they have you?

    If your attractiveness goes up a notch if you DON’T answer the phone, and if you DON’T see them much, how can you do that if you LIVE WITH THEM?

    I’m wondering about these things.

    I think about them so much!

    Please write a post! You’re the postess with the mostess!



  62.  #62Kay on February 9, 2010 at 8:50 pm

    I’m not sure why you broke up with R Starlight but you must realize a man that you once dated that is used to having you all to himself will object to having to get in line to get a piece of your time and attention. It seems you have strong regrets for breaking up with him is that fantasy stuff or reality stuff, why don’t you sit down and make a list of reasons why you chose to end things with him, if you get to see it all in front of you that may help you get in touch with your real feelings and maybe even help you get in touch with your anger over the loss of the relationship but as of now your stuck and I have a feeling it’s because you don’t know what you want and even if you know what you want you don’t feel you can have it.

    Dating other men is supposed to lift your self esteem and confidence but you seem highly resistant to dating, maybe your afraid that someone will actually show up and take away the feelings you have for R and then you have to let R go. I don’t believe in closure but I do feel you have some things to express to R, if you can’t do it face to face then write it all out, purge so you can get focused on yourself.

    I’m a bit tired today, hope my advice doesn’t seem like I’m rambling on.



  63.  #63Daria on February 9, 2010 at 9:40 pm

    Wow K! Thank you for answering Starlights questions so clearly!



  64.  #64Tina on February 9, 2010 at 9:43 pm

    Daria, I feel sad and disappointed for you but at the same time , you would not have gone out in your lovely red dress and danced the night away, he was a messenger for sure.



  65.  #65Daria on February 9, 2010 at 9:45 pm

    Tina Mary , are yuou kidding me I forgot all about him. I am too busy thinking about teh cool men I met last nite and how that one guy I knew told me I was hypnotizing, and how it felt to move slowly in my red dress…

    AND HOW LEANING BACK AND BEING LONELY AND INTENDING AND SUPPORT (some of which came from stood up guy awhile ago!_)FINALLY GOT ME TO BE ABLE TO GO OUT MYSELF!!

    AND NOW IM LIVING THAT LIFE I WISH I WAS LIVING WHEN I WAS AT HOME WISHING FRIENDS WOULD INVITE ME OUT!!

    ohhh did anyone judge me for being alone? maybe but they were so busy falling at my feet to judge me harshly!



  66.  #66Rori Raye on February 9, 2010 at 9:47 pm

    Okay – I’ll tell you how I do it, and how my clients do it…it’s so much about having a fulfilling life of your own, and yet being totally WITH them, loving, and INTO them. It’s not a trick – it’s actually a passionate way of being, and it’s very, very rare. That’s why he’ll never let go of you. Love, Rori



  67.  #67Rori Raye on February 9, 2010 at 9:51 pm

    Go Mary!



  68.  #68Rori Raye on February 9, 2010 at 9:54 pm

    Sonja, You can’t initiate anything with a Feeling Message, because a Feeling Message is a response. If you’re still thinking about capturing a man’s heart and reaching out to connect with him, you’re moving in the wrong direction…Love, Rori



  69.  #69Rori Raye on February 9, 2010 at 10:00 pm

    Siena, Welcome and thank you for your great comment. Love, Rori



  70.  #70Georgia on February 9, 2010 at 10:05 pm

    I have nothing to say, All I just want to say is I love You Rori…….
    Thanks and million of thanks to You. May God bless you and your family always.
    and Daria i love you too 🙂 and to all ladies here.



  71.  #71Nancy on February 9, 2010 at 10:12 pm

    Robin, I feel the same way about your birthday that you do. After 4 months of dating you should hear from him on your birthday. I would feel crushed if he didn’t make a point of seeing me and treating me well on the day or on a date close to the day, celebrating the day. I’d give him a speech about how that felt and tell him I wasn’t at all sure I wanted to continue to see someone who would treat me that way. I’d tell him I needed time to sort out my feelings about it. I’m happy you had a good b’day anyway.

    Daria,

    Wow, what a great CD night you had. Good for you!!!



  72.  #72Nancy on February 9, 2010 at 10:15 pm

    Oooooo, Mary! What a great question. And Rori, thanks for the answer!



  73.  #73Tina on February 9, 2010 at 10:37 pm

    Daria, I feel all happy now, you had a great time! I go out alone, it’s not really a biggy for me. I have a friend I invite out, he’s younger, he feels more like a younger brother than anything, way feminine and I always buy his stuff lol. I give him advice and women are always chasing him around when we go out together. I went out doing errands again today, I wasnt really in to my body, but I began to notice men (with their women) noticing me grrr. I tried no eye contact but that didnt work, they just kept checking me out anyway grrrrr. I was hungry too, so I was more in to getting fed. I ordered two big bowls of chicken ceasar salad , woofed them down really fast and continued on my way home. Girls gotta eat!



  74.  #74Tina on February 9, 2010 at 10:43 pm

    I’m still coming down from my trip to montreal, wow! big city big lights big fun and great sushi! oh plus I managed to stumble upon a karaoke bar where I sang two songs to really drunk people passed out in their chairs, they seemed to perk up when I sang country tunes lol. Was fun!



  75.  #75Tina on February 9, 2010 at 10:48 pm

    Daria, ‘to busy falling at my feet” thats what I’m saying 🙂



  76.  #76Rori Raye on February 9, 2010 at 11:35 pm

    Welcome, Georgia, so nice to have you here…Love, Rori



  77.  #77Erika Awakening on February 9, 2010 at 11:47 pm

    Passionate post, Rori, I could really feel you in it, which felt nice.

    Are we so different, or do we just refuse to acknowledge the part of us that also wants to play with other playmates?

    Nothing has reduced my fear of “cheating” faster than embracing polyamory. Men come closer to me the less jealous I am.

    Saw this quotation today and had to share with the Sirens:

    How do you ever get the truth to be more the way you want it to be? You’ve just got to start beating the drums of truth the way you want it to be – and when you do, you will immediately feel good. And there are those who might say, “Oh, you’re not facing the fact.” And we say, we would never face any fact that was taking us to a place we don’t want to be.

    -Abraham-Hicks –

    Think of that quotation next time your mind is tempted to say “oh that’s just the way the world is and I have to accept it” or “that’s just the way men are and I have to accept it.”

    Manifesta: I will never face any fact that is not taking me to a place I don’t want to be.

    I will change my beliefs instead.



  78.  #78Daria on February 10, 2010 at 12:10 am

    Thanks Erika – Im practicing that right now as I go out. My parents LOVE that I go out every night and enjoy myself
    hehe!



  79.  #79Daria on February 10, 2010 at 12:11 am

    Georgia Love you BACK!

    I feel thrilled!!! wow I feel so surprised and good!



  80.  #80Starlight_29 on February 10, 2010 at 2:04 am

    Rori please just come and stay at my house…..just for a week, teach me everything covering all senarios, please come to london pleaseeeeeee

    LOL

    Seriously can you come to london to do a seminar??

    Thanks for the feed back Kay & sisters

    Some of us may get it right away some of us won’t and need that extra help, thanks for being there Sirens xxxxx



  81.  #81mary on February 10, 2010 at 2:44 am

    Thank you Rori.

    I was passionate with R. Totally with him. Loving and into him. AND loving my own life!

    And he continued to be conflicted and finding fault, etc. He did not like my happiness and always talked about my “joy” in just being alive, as though it was an anomaly. As though I was an oddity.

    I was happier without him than with him, but when he came back into my life, my whole body just jumped out of its skin, I was so beside myself. He was happy, too… for a few days.

    Maybe he’s just an unhappy person. A toxic man who can’t do it. No matter how much he tries, and no matter how happy and satisfied and loving and leaning back and letting go and ecstatically into him I am.

    Well.

    I have said a very quick, informal goodbye to R. In one email, with three words, “I give up.”

    And he seems like he’s accepting it, rather nicely, and that just tears my heart out.

    But tomorrow I have two free therapy appointments (with walks and hot chocolate!), Thursday – two, Friday – two and Saturday – one!

    Wow. I knew people got dates online, but i had NO IDEA it was so easy! And I have refused to send my picture. The guys just come and meet me anyway. I also told them “just walk and talk! no need for chemistry or finding a spark, or anything like that.”

    The guy today was sixteen years younger and wants to see me again. Said he couldn’t believe his luck when he saw me! Oh, that was therapy.

    Maybe I can give up on R? I don’t know; I don’t know. Maybe something deep inside wants to be rejected over and over and over and over and over and over…
    I’m not sure how to fix it.

    I’m trying really hard.



  82.  #82Lori on February 10, 2010 at 5:48 am

    Mary,

    I’m sorry for what you’re going through with R. I do have a question for you and that is are you really that happy and love life all of the time or are you stuffing your negative feelings down? I ask because I used to see myself the same way until going through Rori’s programs and realizing that I had become a “stepford” girl. I was the one that always could find the right positive thing to say when someone was being negative. I could find the positive in being stuck in a traffic jam. One day my ex said “I was really just venting, I don’t need you to tell me how to solve every single thing. I don’t need to be happy 100% of the time. That’s not realistic.” He seemed almost annoyed with me being positive.

    After doing “Reconnect”, I realized that I didn’t come across as “real” because I seemed happy all of the time and that’s just not the norm. I’m not saying you’re NOT, but most people aren’t and men perceive that to be fake. And as Rori says, they only commit to women who they feel real with. I had been stuffing my real feelings down and only allowing the happy positive ones to come through. Now I love all of my feelings and am a more real person and feel my vibe changing. I was afraid to show my negative feelings because I was afraid people wouldn’t like me if I wasn’t happy all of the time. I was wrong. People like you most when you’re real and true with yourself.

    My relationship was already over when I discovered this, but maybe yours still has a chance if this is your issue. I’m not saying it is, just giving you my own experience. The funny thing is, I had a circular dating guy in my rotation for awhile who was just like I used to be. He was happy and positive all of the time-even when I ended it with him which I know he didn’t want. But guess what? After evolving through Rori’s programs, HE didn’t seem real to ME and yes, his constant happiness annoyed me at times too. It was like looking in the mirror at how I used to be, and seeing myself how other people saw me.

    Last night there was a great episode of “My Name is Earl” in which he had faked his own death in order to break up with a girl who was “too nice”. As I watched him help her evolve into a real woman who embraced ALL of her feelings, anger included, I realized that this is what Rori is talking about. Sure, it was exaggerated for comedy, but it definitely hit home….



  83.  #83mary on February 10, 2010 at 6:03 am

    Wow Lori,

    Thank you so much for this insight. You could very possibly be right! It seems to hit home with me. I’ll have to think about this some more; carry it with me through the day and let it comfort me at night. I think this is very good information.

    I feel so thankful.

    Thanks for taking the time to send me this little piercing arrow. I think you’re right on target.



  84.  #84Mercedes on February 10, 2010 at 7:35 am

    As I was reading this post, I was thinking about giving advice (because that seems to be how I’m wired) and pretty much every one of those thoughts could be summed up with Rori’s words:

    “Derek’s enthusiasm for you is already being dampened by your eagerness to have him. He knows you’re just “dating” because he is – and he KNOWS you’re not serious about it.

    He KNOWS it’s HIM you want. He’s a good guy – and mostly – he’s trying to avoid hurting you, but he KNOWS he’s hurting you – and so he’s soft-soaping you and doing everything he can to keep things AS THEY ARE. He’s doing everything he can to keep CONTROL of this situation – and of YOU.

    So. You have to take control of yourself. Take his perception that he has control over your heart away from him.

    DON’T LET him “keep tabs” on you. Answer his texts ever few days with simple messages, like…”Feeling happy the suns out…” or “Saw Avatar – wow…” or “Front page of the paper makes me feel sad…” or – you get the idea. Stay AWAY from talking about the relationship.

    End the perception that you are HIS.

    Instead – be YOURS. Let your heart belong to YOU.

    Do NOT answer his questions about what “you’re doing.” And about dating”

    I absolutely LOVED this!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  85.  #85mary on February 10, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    Hi Mercedes,

    Good to hear your voice here again. And good for you to speak out on the side of circular dating. I was wondering about your thoughts because of one of your posts a few months back. I believe I quoted you and there was some discussion about it, so I thought you were on the other side.

    Something about a good man wouldn’t want you to date other men… I’m not sure if I can find it again…



  86.  #86Mercedes on February 10, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    Hi Mary: I saw your quote (I can’t remember which post it was on) and I responded to that one as well. I think I was misunderstood though…I am not at ALL against Circular Dating. I did it and it worked wonders for me and I would do it again.

    Pretty much no man, good or bad will WANT you to date other men, but that doesn’t matter. He didn’t like it, he didn’t want me to do it, and I did it anyway and his choices were to deal with it or leave me. He chose to not only deal with it, but to step up and claim me as his own.

    What would not have worked and what I spoke out against for my own relationship was having sex with other men. He could and did deal with me dating others. He couldn’t and wouldn’t have dealt with me having sex with others. We were going through a lot when I was circular dating…we were very, very close to losing each other. I was pretty much done with him and really didn’t care if he stayed in my life or not (actually…I was probably more excited about the thought of him NOT staying in my life), but a part of my heart hadn’t quite let go I guess because we made it through. But I am quite certain that if I had been sleeping with other men, he would have walked away forever.

    I believe in circular dating with all my heart. I do not believe in having casual sex with other men if you have any hope of gaining the love of one of those men. Most men are not wired to fall in love with a woman who is sleeping around. Just doesn’t generally work that way.

    Hope that helps explain my take on it.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  87.  #87Turtle Girl on February 10, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    Tina-
    Something you said “triggered me” – made me think about this whole man thing. You said “A Girls gotta eat” cause you were hungry and you wolfed down two salads.

    Ya know, we as women get nourishment from all sorts of things. But sometimes when we eat food-it isn’t nourishing. We get fed to be sure, but it does not feel good, or it makes us fat or we are really getting what we need or want. We eat because we have to, or feel hungry, but sometimes it’s just crumbs. And this becomes a habit. And it’s hard to break for some of us. I don’t have this problem but a good friend of mine does. She is way overweight and it’s an issue about how much, what kind of food and so forth.

    I was thinking that it’s the same for me with men. Am I “buying” the kind of men that really nourish me? Or am I just grabbing frantically at the fast food that fills the hole but doesn’t really work for me? Will I have a hangover later after eating? Do I feel that the only kind of guys out there are fast food, bad for me that will never really nourish me in every way? These are questions that came up for me when you brought up a girls gotta eat. Well, yes we do. But where and how are we eating?



  88.  #88Daria on February 10, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    Wow Turtle Girl – I really liek that connection… I’ve been totally into appreciating my food and loving it and blessing it and imagining it becoming part of me…

    even the “junk” food was once a plant and an animal… and I think it was from Sylvia Hartmann I got that to just honor the energy of what this food is at its best, even if it is “hurt” polluted, abused, etc

    that really works for me, and for the past couple of days, I’ve really really slowed down chewing!

    Did u know food TASTES great in the mouth, not just the GULP (satisfying) in my esophagus.. YUM

    And waiting for my stomach to accept it, etc, before i take another bite

    ohh it feels so GOOD

    same with men!

    I have the past few days practice opening up my heart, even AROUND the parts of them that I judge, and being open vs closed to them (got it in Alanna Pratts book)

    and it feels so good… not just to men but to situations etc…

    and also, just like food, I don’t want to eat a man that feels bad. If he feels good a lil bit, I will open up and honor the best he represents just like I do the food.

    Aaah i feel fearful… my initial point was that wow, men ARE like food, and now I’m talking about accepting them, and I feel afraid to push you away. I feel afraid that you will think I’m telling you not to judge men and that I will trigger you and I will be rejected. wow. ok… this feels very uncomfortable and weird!

    I love myself!

    So What to the fear!



  89.  #89Lisa on February 10, 2010 at 2:28 pm

    Man, everytime Daria’s on me I hear Snoop Dogg’s “Who Let the Dogs Out!”: “yipyipyipyipyiypyipyip…..”

    I FEEL like Daria takes personal attacks where there are none

    I FEEL like daria likes attacking

    I FEEL that Daria wants to be a queen Bee (but she can’t b/c we’re all queens)

    I FEEL attacked (b/c Daria has attacked me now twice)

    I FEEL shut down (like Daria would like to shut down my convo; However, I can agree/disagree with whom I wish)

    I FEEL Daria must have some issue with being good enough/not enough, as she perceives elitism where there is none.

    I intend to get back to productive growth convo

    I DO NOT WANT TO ATTACK OR BE ATTACKED

    I have already encountered people like Daria in my life, and I steer a wide berth.

    I feel attacked, I feel shut down, I feel my feelings aren’t heard or respected.

    If I say my feelings are tender, they are tender. If I feel like society has become rough, those are my feelings, and they are valid. If I wish to ally myself with another person on this site, I needn’t justify myself. It is what it is.

    This is a site which should welcome alterity. Instead, I see some petty women cliques going on, and that FEELS kinda sad, to me.

    To all the straight-up women, I wish you the very best.

    Over, out



  90.  #90Daria on February 10, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    Lisa –

    I feel annoyed! and angry! and I feel like attacking.

    BTW the feeling messages and I don’t want statements in your message were :

    “I FEEL attacked

    I FEEL shut down

    I DO NOT WANT TO ATTACK OR BE ATTACKED”

    All the rest were thoughts. and judgements and attacks.

    I can relate to every feeling message and don’t want you’ve mentioned.

    I feel amused. I feel bad.

    I’m thinking now that I feel annoyed is one of those “blaming” statements.

    I replace the initial “I feel annoyed” with… I feel defensive and angry and I feel like attacking.

    hmm…
    cool

    PS – I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL ATTACKED



  91.  #91Daria on February 10, 2010 at 2:52 pm

    RORI — CAN YOU PLEASE ADRESS THESE ATTACKS ON ME AND MY WORDS!!!!

    I FEEL glad for the trigger and at the same time I feel like “i’m defending myself well”

    and I’m not sure if thats what I want here… Id like to breakthru this? Seems like there’s more for me to learn to break through it?

    What do you think Rori?



  92.  #92Daria on February 10, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    oh wow Im rereading Lisa’s last post and I feel HUMILIATED AND OUTRAGED

    I FEEL SO FURIOUS

    UGH!!!!

    I FEEL FURIOUS FURIOUS FURIOUS FURIOUS FURIOUS FURIOUSSSSSSSS



  93.  #93Turtle Girl on February 10, 2010 at 3:04 pm

    Daria-
    I do not reject you or anyone on this site. I believe we are all here to help one another and sometimes the women that I might not particularly feel all touchy feely with are the ones that I need to learn from and sometimes the lesson is just to stay the heck out of their way. It ain’t no big thang! All are welcome in my book, all thoughts feelings, etc.

    Even if you ARE telling me not to judge men-I don’t much care really. I don’t mean that in any way to be trite or ugly or mean-I really don’t. I just don’t care what you say in a very “it’s ok accepting kind of way” I look at this blog and the women on it like this-I take what I need and leave the rest. No harm, no foul, no offense. I will respond if I feel particularly feisty on any given day and maybe defend myself a bit, but mostly I feel we all have a right to feel just how we do and be just who we are. Period. I can accept anyone, like them or not. If my self esteem was dependent on the opinions of women on this blog,
    I would say I really needed to get a life…..lol…

    In fact if there is anyone here who I really don’t like or find amusing when I am feeling self righteous (thankfully not often) and I feel smug or whatever I just ignore them. I don’t put any energy into them at all. Not worth my time. My time is devoted to me, my life, my needs, my issues, my conflicts, my problems, my feelings, and my wants and I can only fix me, not others.

    The key to this blog is support and compassion and working our own shit. We share our experiences so that we may learn and heal and hang on to hope. And I do that by paying attention to the principles and lessons here, not the particular personalities. Be blessed.
    Love,
    Turtle Girl



  94.  #94Rachel on February 10, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    So… I did it again. I have been leaning back and using feeling messages and feeling very strong and goddessy… and then last night, I slept with Guy A again. And today I’m a mess.

    But not as much a mess as I used to be. I hurt and I realize why… I keep wanting this man to connect intimately heart-to-heart with me. And yet it’s like he’s an empty shell. I believe that he does love me, but he just doesn’t have much in there to give.

    It has been months since we’ve had sex and I guess I felt like we had moved to a deeper place, but as soon as it was over, it was the same. Disconnected, roll over, get up, watch tv… I felt heartbroken again.

    I want to be held and carressed and whispered to.

    He did say he loved me after… but only once and then just acted like nothing significant had happened.

    I feel angry with myself for opening up again. I don’t know why I keep expecting something different. I think that a part of me knew going into last night that I would be disappointed. But i still took the chance.

    i don’t know if that’s brave or me? Or stupid of me?

    I feel like I did make the choice this time… I wasn’t swept up in boundless emotion like before. And i didn’t initiate. It was a sweet time… until after.

    And today, we’ve talked, but he didn’t mention it at all. And just rambled on about trivial stuff

    He used to tell me all the time how beautiful I was… now …

    I feel like I got off my horse? But how do you know if you don’t try?

    We’re supposed to talk again tonight and I’m nervous. I feel like I want to express what I feel and what I want, but I don’t want to hear nothing back…

    Any thoughts, sirens?

    I love you all so much



  95.  #95Turtle Girl on February 10, 2010 at 3:11 pm

    Lisa-

    Love ya girl.

    Turtle



  96.  #96Daria on February 10, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    Hi Turtle girl,

    thanks for writing to me. I feel confused.

    I feel good and I feel bad. It feels confusing. Thank you for telling me to Be Blessed. I like that.

    I also feel a distance and a coolness. I’m not sure if I’m one of the women you don’t feel touchy feely with… though I kinda get that impression from what you wrote…

    it feels a lil confusing. I don’t wnat to feel distant.

    I did not say that you reject people or etc. Sometimes I feel worried I will be rejected. I get triggered thinking that …

    I just feel odd. Like I feel wary..

    it it implied that I may be getting my self esteem from this blog… are you implying i should get a life?

    I think no, that’s not waht you meant, because you didnt say that , and then a part of me thinks yes…

    I feel confused.

    I feel frowny face…



  97.  #97mary on February 10, 2010 at 3:19 pm

    Lisa, Daria, Turtle Girl…

    All I can say is wow. What happened?

    MERCEDES!

    Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

    I feel the same way about sex! Sure, I’d LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to have lots of it, but for me it’s a sacred thing. I just can’t go around sharing myself that way. Guys really respect it.

    (But not throwing judgment around… just stating my own view here, which has left me alone, in my bed, for years.)

    I have hope for circular dating.

    I’m so glad you cleared this up for me, Mercedes!



  98.  #98Daria on February 10, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    ok this feels bad.

    i feel bad.

    i feel humiliated and upset.

    i feel furious and helpless.

    i feel like im feeling up and down a wall



  99.  #99mary on February 10, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    Oh, oh, oh!

    BREAKTHROUGH!

    LIGHT SHINE!

    OH MY GOODNESS!

    I was just walking out the door and it hit me.

    Having this value about sex is difficult, because I do lose men on the third or fourth date. And that’s hard to do. It feels like a lot of rejection, if I don’t have my head on right. And when I first starting dating, after my husband left for another woman, I was fine at first, but then it got to me.

    And then I met R.

    Who hung in there with me. Lying next to me, not insisting. Not begging. Not pleading. Not giving me ultimatums. Not walking out the door. Not not calling again.

    R was cool with it!

    AND THAT COULD BE IT!

    The eBook says that Unavailable men attract unavailable women, and I simply don’t think I fit the category.

    THIS COULD BE IT FOR ME!

    And if so, it could be really good news. Really good!

    I’m still thinking about what you said so eloquently, Lori. Thank you. This new revelation doesn’t mean that I’m gonna ignore the wisdom you shared.

    Now I have two amazing things to think about, besides this Almost-Favorite post of yours, Rori!

    (I still love the one about no closure – get back on your horse and RIDE. That’s my all-time favorite!)

    Okay!

    4pm – third circular date.

    (Daria, the guy stood me up this morning! I have no idea why. He didn’t like my hot pink jacket?)



  100.  #100mary on February 10, 2010 at 3:33 pm

    Daria, I’m walking out the door. I wish I could be more support for both you and Lisa. I don’t know what to say. I feel bad for both of you. Lisa, something made you terribly angry. (I can’t even find the comment that did it, but… I feel like it’s not my business…) You guys can sort it out, but something feels very personal and digging and off about it. Not sure what!

    Lisa, maybe you could have – instead of saying – Daria this and Daria that – said, “I feel this and I feel that.” No one can really argue with your feelings! Feelings just come upon us and even we can’t control them. They give us information about what is happening in our world, and that information is good to give to others. It’s direct. It’s quick. And it’s civil.

    I would challenge you to take all of the things you said and see how you feel about each one! Maybe relate those feelings to Daria.

    Daria, when I feel pain, there’s usually something to learn. It seems like you’re trying to find that something, even though it’s humiliating. I do admire that.

    Both of you take care.

    I’m going for a walk and another cup of hot chocolate.



  101.  #101Turtle Girl on February 10, 2010 at 3:40 pm

    Daria-
    Sorry you feel bad or confused or worry about people rejecting you.
    I am not referring to anyone in particular-just my thoughts. Like I said— take what you need and leave the rest. Sometimes some stuff just isn’t about you and sometimes stuff is all about you. You as in the generic you meaning-anyone. Some stuff you just have to figure out on your own. So if the shoe fits, wear it, if not, then put own boots and walk away.

    As for me, I am Switzerland.



  102.  #102Daria on February 10, 2010 at 3:51 pm

    i love my sad beaten down feelings… and that feels like… pnching in my calf, with my head hung down, and pinching in my thigh. i love the pinching in my thigh… i love the pinching in my calf i love my head hung down… and that feels like… lifting head and energy tightening in my mouth… i love the lifting head and energy tightening in my mouth… and that feels like

    tightening in my cheeks and i love the tightening in my cheeks

    and that feels like

    tightening in my tummy and i love the tightening in my tummy

    and that feels like… feeling sad face adn staring out the window with my head turned to the left…

    and i love my feeling sad with my head turned to the left… and now i feel pressure on my chin… i love the pressure on my chin… i love my inner thigh squeezy feeling…

    and that feels like eyes falling down again, hotness in my thigh, pinching on my chin,,, i love my eyes falling down, the hotness in my thigh, i love the pinching on my chin…

    and that feels like (awful) like more pinching… and i feel like disconnecting from my feelings and distracting myself… and i love my feeling of wanting to disconnect and distract, and tath feels like head hangin, tightened inner thigh, hot tummy hot melty feeling and i love my hot melty feeling and that feels like kinda rising up and smiling…

    and i lvoe my rising up and my smiling that is turning to a frown and that feels like head lifting and breathing and i love my head lifting and breathing adn my pinching inner thigh… and that feels like ribs and legs and focuising out eyes ant ightening cehheks. i love my focusing out eyes and tightening cheeks, i love my pinching thighs… and tahtat feels likemoving flwoly forward pelvis and tthat feels like nausea and i love my nausea and flwoing forward pelvis… and that feels like staring out the window again and i love my staring out the window… and that feels like opening up eyes brighter and holding tight in my inner thigh and in my jaw and i love my holding tight in my inner thigh and in my jaw… and that feels like a lil smile and a lil hmmh soudn adnt i love my lil smile and my lil hmh sound andt eh pressure above my eyes adnt hat feels like taking a breath and i love my taking a breath and that feels like… tingling in my foot and i love my tingling in my foot and that feels like… yawning and i lov emy yawn and that feels like flash of anger thoughts tightening in my tummy and holding on in my inner thigh… and i love my flash of anger thoughts my tightening in my tummy and my holding on in my inner thigh… and that feels like… eyes going bleary and yawning and i love my eyes going bleary and yawning and that feels like hmph and i love my hmph and i love my holding on in my inner thigh and my tingling in the foot im sitting on… and that feels like yawning and i love my ywanning.. and that feels like more attacking thoughts and that feels like my belly getting hot like fire and i love my attacking thoughts and belly getting hot like fire and taht feels like head pressure on the left side and i love my head pressure on my left side and that feels like yawning and i love my yawning and that feels like thigh tightening and i love my thigh tightening… and that feels like hotness in my thigh and my hip joing and tingling in my foot and i love the tingling in my foot and teh hotness in my thigh… and that feels like wanting to put my foot down…

    and that feels like feeling my heart beat hard and deep in my diaphragm and i love that feeling and that feels like sneezing! and i love my sneezing and that feels like scrunching my toes and i love scrunching my toes…

    and that feels like yawning and i love my yawning… and that feels like hotness around my lower back and i lvoe the hotniess around my lower back and that feels like

    hotness in my thigh and in my teeth and i love the hotness in my thihg and the tingling in my teeth and that feels like tiring and pressure in my head and i love the tiring feeling and the pressure in my head…

    and that feels like

    wanting to escape to stop and look for more posts or write rori for help or

    i feel tightening up in my left jaw and in my feet and i love the tightening up in my left jaw and in my feet
    and taht feels like

    wanting to disassociate from my feelings and i love my wanting to disassociate and taht feels like… pressure on my nose and i love the pressure on my nose and taht feels like craving some weed and i love my craving some weed and tath feels like pinching in my lower back and holding on and heat in my right inner thigh and i love th pinching in my lower back adn holding on and heat in my right inner thigh… and that feels like pinching in my jaw and i love the pinching in my jaw and tightening in my left butt and i love the pinching in my jaw and the tightening in my left butt and that feels like my hips wiggling around and i love my hips wiggling around and that feels like yawning and pressure on my chest and i love my yawning and the pressure on my chest and that feels like yawning some more and i lvoe my yawning some more and taht feels like tightening up on my cheekbone and i love my tightening up on my cheekbone and that feels like tight in my jaw and my thihg and i love my tightness in my jaw and my thigh and that feels like yawning so big and i love my yawnnig so big

    and that feels like shaking in my chest and i love the shaking in my chest and that feels like relaxing and disengaged and tight in my thigh, and tight in my tummy diaphragm and i love my disengagement and tightening in my thihg and in my tummy diaphragm and that feels like yawning big and uncurling my toes and i love my yawning big and uncurling my toes and taht feels like tightening in the lower part of my jaw and in my liver under my ribs and like smelling sweat and i love my tightening in the lower part of my jaw and the tightening in my liver and my smeeling sweat and tahtt feels like tightenig in both parts of my jaw and vibrations in my ear and tightening in my liver and i lvoe the tightening in my jaw, the vibrations in my ear and my tightening in my liver and that feels like yawning and feeling tight in my chest and i love my yawning and my feeling tight in my chest…. and that feels like tingling in my left butt and my right thigh and i love my tingling in my left butt and my right thigh and that feels like… remembering bits of triggering stuff and thinking judgements and i love my remembering and my thinking judgements and that feels like tightening in my mouth and i love my tightening in my mouth and that feels like yawning and i love my yawning and taht feels like feeling tight in my diaphragm and i love the tightness in my diaphragm and that feels like pinching in my left butt and i love the pinching in my left butt and that feels like pinching in my liver area and i love my pinching in my liver area and taht feels like… tingling on my right hipand i love my tingling on my right hip[ and that feels like… yawning really big and i love my yawning really big…

    and that feels like eyes unfocused and i love my eyes unfocused and taht feels like pinching in my left calf and my right cheek and i love my pinching in my left calf and my right cheek and that feels like… tightening in my chest and i love the tightening in my chest… and that feels like yawning real big and i love my yawning real big and taht feels like

    tightening in my cheeks again and i love my tightening in my cheeks… and that feels like. frowny mouth again and i love my frowny mouth…

    and taht feel]s like

    tightening in my cheek on the right side and pinching and i Love my tightening on my right cheek side and pinching and that feels like, eye unfocused on my right side and tightening on the back of my head, and my forehead, and tingling in my right thigh, and hot in my left butt and i love my eye unfocused, and the tighteneing on my back and back of head, and that feel slike yawning real big…



  103.  #103Daria on February 10, 2010 at 4:58 pm

    Turtle girl –

    when you say sorry do you mean you feel bad? or do you mean you feel defensive?

    i feel a lil bit defensive

    i use this blog very intimately and i’m looking at what triggers me.

    so i suppose “the shoe fits,” that is that i feel not loved…

    well that doesnt feel good…

    i feel triggered and blocked off, i feel afraid to communicate and im doing it because i want to heal my trigger

    i feel sad



  104.  #104Tina on February 10, 2010 at 5:44 pm

    Turtle, I experimenting with my boy and girl 🙂 my girl is hungry, she wants something good and also filling. I bought some salads for 50 % off , its a great time to go to the deli and get cheap good fast food, plus shop for groceries.

    Oh check this out, I went again to the grocery store for celery to make meatballs and as I was walking out – I was feeling pretty good. I approached my vehicle , a tall man walked passed me, he looked, I looked at him, what I usually do pre Rori, is look away real quick, and keep walking, anyway he looked I looked I said a big HI! and kept walking, he said “excuse me you dropped something” I turned around quickly because i wasnt sure if he was talking to me, just a glance, he started to walk up to my celery I dropped and I was there, the distance between my celery was closer thean him and my celery, so i kinda skipped over to my celery, like I mean skip and picked up my celery and said with a big smile “thank you” he smiled and walked off, he kinda had a skip in his step to as he walked in the store, I thought shoot, I what would have I done different next time? I would have kept walking? wait for him to bring me the celery? then pass off my cart? hm, anyway I thought about it last night and the percieved inconvience for him to walk a few steps to hand me my celery. Shopping carts and celery, its not about that anymore,



  105.  #105Tina on February 10, 2010 at 5:45 pm

    He smiled when I said “oh I dropped my celery” 🙂 its not about the celery !



  106.  #106Tina on February 10, 2010 at 5:47 pm

    I mean I thought about what Rori said about her experience with shopping cart.



  107.  #107Tina on February 10, 2010 at 5:52 pm

    ok im reading and its not making sense hehe, I read Rori’s post about shopping cart experience. ok there whew. So anyway Im going to make meatballs and spag sauce again. Love it! I love the art of eating , cooking but yeah sometimes a girls just got to eat!



  108.  #108Tina on February 10, 2010 at 6:11 pm

    Hey and he was a good looking man, I woulda dated him easy, hehe maybe even accept a kiss, oooooh!. I was wearing my droopy sweats again dang , do over, do over! ok i was wearing lipgloss, my hair was freshly washed, no shower though ugh! and no make up! while i was at the grocery store again tonight, I bought another salad thing on sale hehe, and I was thinking of Allana Pratt and her message in my email.



  109.  #109heartbeat on February 10, 2010 at 6:34 pm

    subscribing for now – and HI again! xx



  110.  #110Lucy on February 10, 2010 at 6:44 pm

    Daria, I hope Rori does NOT intervene, because I know that you can do this!!!!! You can heal your trigger, you can find your way through this. Your boy can help your girl. I believe in you!!

    And Lisa too!!



  111.  #111Daria on February 10, 2010 at 7:02 pm

    Hehe Lucy – that feels good to read…

    I feel smily. Also I feel like my asking for help is part of my healing… I mean a certain part says don’t ask for help handle it on your own rah rah… and at the same time, I don’t want to suffer! I want to feel good!

    And I’ve noticed I feel really good and empowered getting support and help!

    So Im practicing asking for it even when I feel unworthy or unsure…



  112.  #112Daria on February 10, 2010 at 7:03 pm

    Hi Heartbeat!



  113.  #113Turtle Girl on February 10, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    Right on Lucy-

    Rori can not get in the middle here-taking a side-there are no sides. Just each of us with our own feelings muddling our way through……..I believe in all of us. Rock on Sirens!!!!



  114.  #114Daria on February 10, 2010 at 7:26 pm

    I do want Rori to help, and not to take sides, but to help !

    Thank you.

    I love help. I love being helped and supported and loved.

    =)
    muah!!

    and well if i’m just gonna trigger and express and riff yes… i can do it… that has been feeling heartening and exciting and draining and frustrating too

    it would feel nice to have MORE MORE MORE help too!

    =)

    *~~~* flowers and powers they never end like tears each with a fish inside that swallowed the world on the last day

    SPIT

    and out pops the world rolling and bouncing along on its side like a plastic toy…

    oh does it grow? does it flatten out and pull me in like a fall over the cliff into the submarine deliciousness of falling?

    I feel afraid and I run away until I get swallowed too by the fish

    and I’m feeling giggly and loved to be so wanted claimed and held

    in the dark of the tummy of the fish i know he surely wanted me

    or is it that i will be pooped out? perhaps he wants to swallow another, will swallow another?

    ohh i feel sad and let me out this fish!

    i will pop him with a pin and soar, feeling hurt and desperate and sad as I get away from the waterfall of tears taht births and rebirhts the world in drop by drop

    Help I am sad. Help I want to feel sure… that is impossible tehy said and i believed it.

    kick rocks.

    kick big cliffs and feeling disappointed everyday

    dusty with dangerous dramatic disasters

    =(

    help me?

    help me

    its ok to help me u know. i say it is

    *~~~*



  115.  #115Simply Shannon on February 10, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    I’ve had a few hours to sit on my original response and now I feel incredibly soft about all of the posts here. I too believe (like Lucy said) that each of us can work through this.

    Daria: If I were in your shoes (and I am), I would want that eventually this trigger would lessen, that I would begin to feel bored with others’ perception of me because I know I’m a rockstar and I love every bit of myself. So what if I’m not somebody’s cup of tea? That’s cool. I feel okay with that. I don’t want to engage with every single person in this world. My time feels better spent doing things that feel good. Eventually I’d like to be able to truly feel the following words:
    “I felt furious reading those words. I felt defensive and mad. [Pause, deep breath in, exhale] The thing is… I love myself, I love my style, I love using words that feel expressive to me. I feel understanding that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s okay. I feel open to hearing what you have to say but I don’t want to change this aspect of myself. I like it too much.” I wouldn’t add “what do you think?” because I’m not asking for an opinion. I’m stating what is for me.

    Does any of that resonate? Of course it would be your own words/style.

    I want this for both of us. I want to feel the heat and the anger from the initial trigger, and then I want to be able to have it shift…

    wait a minute. I’m just now wondering if what is happening is that we are seeing your entire riff process as you are doing it and not just the soft and flowy at the end. Because I can feel the difference at the end where you’re now asking for help. You worked through the trigger and your voice feels calm and open. Hmmm. With Rori’s tools, the other person wouldn’t necessarily see all of the inbetween bits, because this is us working through our own stuff.

    Okay, I’m rambling now. I want this healed too.



  116.  #116Daria on February 10, 2010 at 8:22 pm

    =(

    I DO want to engage with every single person in this world.

    I want to be loved loved loved by everyone.

    I want to heal everyone.

    MMM yeah “they whoever they are” say “this is not possible”

    and i dont like that

    I want it. I want to heal people and feel good with everyone.

    I feel a lil hopeless.

    Shannon I feel GOOD reading your words. I feel so supported.

    And yes, maybe a step on teh way is to heal the trigger about everyone liking me, and THEN they will all like me…

    hmm

    yeah tweaking on it

    yes you’re right im riffing through it and working through it on here and off

    I feel inspired by Erika and how she said before that she doesn’t want to disconnect from anyone, even again.

    Muy counterintuitive… and I’ve been using that as a tool with this trigger.

    Hey I feel glad it’s getting you involved too to heal stuff!

    yay!

    I AM feeling more clear. All that yawning i did earlier too…

    and then this man computer called me from Barbados, and I could hear the crickets in the background and it felt so peaceful. I got Barbados energy through the headphones and it felt good.

    Then I listened to a Margaret Paul seminar – the INNER BONDING lady Rori sometimes has guest posted – and I liked it mucho, even though I didn’t get thru to ask my question.

    I FEEL SO GLAD I abandoned my other seminar I was listening to on Radical Forgivness… because I didnt feel totally resonating, then I discovered INNER BONDING was going on! yay

    I love following my intuition.

    So my intuition says its getting close to the time ill be jumping around the world and going to Brazil… yay

    I’m thinkng of signing up for INNER BONDING. IN fact… my intuition says it so i noticed it feels good to acto on it quickly

    I’ll be doing that



  117.  #117Simply Shannon on February 10, 2010 at 8:28 pm

    Lisa: When I first read your post, I felt triggered. I felt defensive and angry, but reading it again now, it feels completely different to me. I feel protective of you. I don’t want you to shut us out here. I sense you want to run away from this, but I don’t want you to do that.

    I feel calm. I feel open. I feel tired. Good night Siren Island.

    Shannon



  118.  #118Lucy on February 10, 2010 at 9:37 pm

    Daria, I like Margaret Paul’s stuff too!!

    I like asking for help sometimes, and I feel good and empowered and happy and loved when I get help — But– I have noticed that sometimes it causes me to become a little emotionally dependent on the person who helps me. Then I feel like I need the other person and don’t have everything inside me that I need. I have noticed that sometimes it stunts my growth. It feels better in the moment, but keeps me from growing.

    Daria, I feel delighted and shocked reading what you write. I feel like –yes! — at last a girl gets to say exactly what she wants to say!!!! When I was a little girl I got in trouble all the time for saying what I felt, but I never stopped. I still get in trouble for saying what I feel. I feel so happy that you can express yourself so freely here without REALLY getting into trouble (sent to your room, kept from the swimming pool, shunned by your brother and his wife, etc.). It feels bad when someone doesn’t like what we say here, but they can’t really stop us and can’t punish us. And we can hope that they will continue to choose to love us.

    Lisa, as I said before, I love your courage. I feel your strength and Daria’s strength — two strong, powerful goddesses holding up big shining mirrors like shields in front of you that reflect back to the other the stuff that triggers you! Feel it to heal it!!!



  119.  #119Heather on February 10, 2010 at 10:04 pm

    Love this post! Daria: I love how you transformed the “liar” dating disappointment into something beautiful and fun and thrilling for yourself.

    I’m in the East Coast in blizzarding conditions now and it is physically challenging to get around. I feel this as a gift in many ways as I must stay indoors – only transportation being my feet! Considering that I am always on the go, this gives me time. Time to feel my way around, time to reflect. Time that I never have or take to do this…

    I feel activated to finally be enthusiastic about circular dating. My (err, 6 year long) relationship is still there – long distance again for the moment, for some indefinite period of time – and I feel free. Not like the previous long distance period where I felt preoccupied by him all the time. From this perspective, I would definitely say to Sara that circular dating is the way to go and heal yourself through this. Rori has great advice!

    xo,
    heather



  120.  #120Daria on February 10, 2010 at 10:32 pm

    Lucy I can relate to feeling emotionally dependent on the person who helps me… on the other side of the coin is me wanting to do it all by myself because I “have to”.

    Trying to fall on the edge with it here.

    I DID stop saying how I felt. =(. don’t know if i ever started till I’m learning again to say how I feel now.

    I feel great !

    Heather yay! IT felt awesome self date.

    Everyone : story telling time on the Long Questions thread (first post with thousandhundred comments here under Questions and Answers category —->)

    or I will post it here too, because that thread types slow on my computer

    From Brenda MacYntire, Song Healer (she rocks)

    Your imagination is always active, whether you know it or not. Are you using it to create your own new world? Or is it running wild with negative stories about how “That always happens to me” or “Why do I always have to do this?”

    Most of us have to rekindle the positive side of our imagination later in life, after having it wiped out by our teen years. And that’s what’s wrong with the dying world in “The Never-Ending Story” – it feeds on the imagination of human beings.

    I love that. It’s really true. Our world truly feeds on our imagination.

    How will you use imagination to transform your world today?

    ————————————————————————————————————–

    TRY THIS OVER THE NEXT WEEK!

    Before you go to sleep, imagine YOU are the only hope for the world. The more outrageous, positive and funny the fantasy you imagine, the better your world gets. Pretend you’re telling the story to a small child – or if you have young children, tell them the story. Just have fun with it. Let your imagination come alive!

    This is NOT about being realistic. It’s about activating the positive side of your imagination and creating something positive, even miraculous, in a cool fantasy world of your own. Consider yourself a superhero or an angel – YOU are creating and saving your world in this story.

    Need something to start it off? Here:

    You’re floating in a bubble in the middle of a rain forest and suddenly _________________. You know you have to create something positive quickly to save your world, so you imagine a ___________________ and poof! It shows up and _________________.

    What happens next?

    Take action on this – it will help! Let me know how you did! Email me at medicinesong@brendamacintyre.com.

    Uschi already posted a story and i lvoe it! wow her story was full full of awesome stuff!



  121.  #121Daria on February 10, 2010 at 10:39 pm

    last nite a guy friend invited me out. and i went to hang out with him and 3 other guys were there.

    this guy is just a friend i dont like him but i can tell he likes me.

    well we wound up walking at nite by a creek, and the air was so FRESH.

    I DIDNT KNOW WE HAD A CREEK IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD???

    wow it was magical (and cold)

    I feel blessed. its like finding this wild running creek hidden behind the mall, with forest trees and everything,

    and lights here and there and walking past fencese…

    it was real romantic

    i want to go stroll by there – I told him I’d get some mace to do it by myself

    I intend to get mace so I can feel safe walking by the creek alone at nite



  122.  #122Lucy on February 10, 2010 at 10:42 pm

    I don’t want to save the world. I want to be like Lucy in Narnia with the little vial of healing stuff that I can heal people with when they get wounded while they are trying to save the world. Daria, would you like some healing cordial from my vial for your wounds from when you felt attacked? It is magical and it really works because it is from Aslan.



  123.  #123Lucy on February 10, 2010 at 10:45 pm

    Oh, but I do like the idea of making stories about saving the world. I did not mean I didn’t like the idea!!!



  124.  #124Lucy on February 10, 2010 at 10:47 pm

    I have to go to bed now, but here is some cordial, Daria, if you want it. Three drops should do:

    ` ` `

    Goodnight!



  125.  #125Tina on February 10, 2010 at 10:50 pm

    “truckman” called me tonight, he says, he remembered it was Valentine’s Day and he giving me two little gifts 🙂 I said I feel so happy to know that you remembered Valentine’s Day, I feel excited to open my gifts. He said “oh did you think I would forget? I said yeah, I felt a little worried about my reaction about it. He said “oh, how could you think I would forget my “baby” . I said um I dunno, can I have it now? hehe, “no” he said, I’ll give it to you now but it wont be the gifts , not until Valentine’s Day, I said “oh ok” he said ” do you want to meet for coffee tomorrow, I said yes, sure that would feel nice to meet you for coffee tomorrow. ok so here is the PROBLEM, I told him over the phone convo that I was in the middle of making meatballs and spag sauce, I told him I made a big pot of it, and there is lots left over for a few days, he said “are you inviting me over to eat FINALLY! I said well yeah kinda, I guess, he said ok, So do I serve him his food? this is where I feel confused, by serving food to him Im giving, by letting him help himself I’m still giving because I cooked it but not for him, for my sister really is why I cooked. So when he comes tomorrow, he will know there is meatballs and spag sauce, I feel kinda awkward especially after three months of not cooking him squat. Can he serve himself? he is a guest really, do I point him in the direction of the plates? and let him go for it. He always cooks for me and serves me, I’m feeling like yeah, I like this, I *think I’ll wait and see how he “directs” this situation, then go with how Im feeling, if I feel like doing it, taking direction from him. I need some advice 🙂



  126.  #126Tina on February 10, 2010 at 11:04 pm

    “truckmans” guest is cooking food too, he is going to wait until I go there, to try out his food hm. Valentine’s Day is going to be a blast!. I love all my men equally but have sexual intimacy with one 🙂 I am not actively dating other men, I made a commitment, I got in myself in the exclusive dating trap hehe, I want be feel captured, I want to feel like a wild woman goddess running through the woods with men chasing me, Im too quick though, they cant keep up and I feel mischievous 🙂

    I recieved a letter in the mail from my “new penpal” 🙂



  127.  #127Tina on February 10, 2010 at 11:15 pm

    Is it “jumpy castle” time?



  128.  #128Tina on February 10, 2010 at 11:22 pm

    Daria, sounds so um I dunno safe, walking with three men, I would feel like a goddess protected by three men. I love that image in my mind, protected by an army of men , a nice fantasy 🙂



  129.  #129Daria on February 10, 2010 at 11:39 pm

    Thank you Lucy!

    yum! I love the cordial and I feel great!

    Hugs!



  130.  #130Daria on February 10, 2010 at 11:40 pm

    Here’s something on my help and control from a very radical site on heroin use etc – that my girl sent to me –

    We control people on our terms
    We help people on their terms



  131.  #131Tina on February 10, 2010 at 11:46 pm

    Daria, as a matter of fact , I would feel like the queen bee 🙂 Holy shit!



  132.  #132Daria on February 10, 2010 at 11:49 pm

    More from the radical heroin helper site: this is not about heroin but about boundaries with people asking for stuff in this case money…

    “My mistake was not being clear to him about what I felt comfortable giving. No one expects a friend to give up his last dime as a favor. I find myself falling into this trap of thinking that if I can loan (or give away) money, then I should–being a good friend requires this. I suspect I am not alone in this feeling, even though the ridiculousness of it is obvious.

    If someone (junkie or not) asks you to loan money, it is okay to say, “I don’t mind loaning money, but when someone repeatedly borrows money from me, it makes me feel like a sap–so please don’t ask to borrow money again until you’ve paid back this loan.”

    How successful you will be at setting up these kinds of boundaries will depend upon you. It is a lot easier to give advice that to follow good advice. You will do better to do as I say than to do as I do.”

    I am thinking that if I feel upset with my sister not saying hi to me when I come in, I can tell her this. And also tell her it would feel good to get paid when she asks me for a favor like driving from far away to give her a ride…

    hmm…

    i feel afraid of being yelled at and attacked.

    And I told her I feel like she only calls me and talks to me when she wants something, and she never invites me over…

    shes said… you’re my sister, ive never invited you over, you can come over whenever, why would i change

    but IM changing, so I guess i want the way im treated to change too

    i want healing for this.

    Tahnk you.



  133.  #133Daria on February 10, 2010 at 11:50 pm

    Tina hehe —

    well actually only one man walked with me, but we all hung out and chilled. everyone was very into me, and I even started naturally flow dancing because ive been dancing lately and it just happens to music

    I was just doing it not paying attention and I realized they were giggling and looking at me (admiringly)
    hehee



  134.  #134Daria on February 10, 2010 at 11:50 pm

    I love the words he says about – it makes me feel like a sap – so clear and honest and vulnerable.



  135.  #135Daria on February 10, 2010 at 11:57 pm

    I feel zonked out and fascinated reading the website… and now i feel scared too…



  136.  #136Tina on February 11, 2010 at 12:00 am

    I feel unsafe saying I feel like a queen bee, ok so I felt like all powerful goddessy for like a few seconds someone put me in my place ok. I have this weird need to feel knocked down a few notches, like not deserving or something. I feel bad now, I feel undeserving, worthless and shit! grrrrrrrrrrr. OH damn it here we go again. ok ok stop, you are the crazy bitch goddess, let’s chill. Were friends again 🙂 crazy bitch native american warrior woman goddess fuckin princess damnit!



  137.  #137Daria on February 11, 2010 at 12:01 am

    HEYYY this is beautiful!

    froma myspace guy’s profile that jsut friended me:

    “Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. Give her sperm, she will make a baby, give her a house, she will give you a home, give her groceries, she will you a meal, give her a smile, she will give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what she is given. So if you give her any crap, be ready to receive…”



  138.  #138Daria on February 11, 2010 at 12:02 am

    Tina you most certainly are a Queen Bee baby!



  139.  #139Tina on February 11, 2010 at 12:25 am

    My sister came to me looking for shelter, I stood by watching her, the horror in her eyes, I stood by and did nothing, I couldnt move. My big sister was only 6 yrs old at the time, we stayed in a ‘white foster home” She beat my big sister with a belt until, she couldnt scream out anymore. I feel sadness, I dont know what I feel right now, it feels deep and painful. I dont care about queen bees anymore, I want to help my sister. I feel tightness in my throat, in my heart , the tightness feels like moving from my throat to my heart and back again. I want it to stop, I feel choking in my throat, it’s ok, im ok, really I am 🙂 maybe I shouldnt have said that? oops. A ball in my heart, a tight little ball, dont touch it, dont touch my little heart. sniff oooooh I feel pissed!



  140.  #140Tina on February 11, 2010 at 12:39 am

    My mom is kinda crazy too, she moved us off the reservation and into a freakin trailor park in a city, because she thought we were “moving up” hehehe. My mom is cool really, just I feels funny to me hehe. Big grins*



  141.  #141Tina on February 11, 2010 at 12:41 am

    *it feels funny to me lol. I could never figure her out.



  142.  #142Tina on February 11, 2010 at 12:45 am

    Food stamps too, hey food stamps saved our lives, im not knocking it, I really liked the taste of government cheese when I was a kid. My mom got me roller skates and I skated down the hills in the city real fast!



  143.  #143Tina on February 11, 2010 at 12:57 am

    Time to lay off the decaf, and put on some sleepy time tea! Decaf has caffeine so she says lol, why dont people tell me this stuff. I feel dumb now.



  144.  #144Tina on February 11, 2010 at 1:01 am

    Good for Elizabeth Edwards, I dont know who Reille is but god I feel bad for her, I dont know why, I just do.



  145.  #145Daria on February 11, 2010 at 1:26 am

    Hugs Tina –

    me feel tired headed looking at this Wendi Friesen video shes talking about stuff i feel frustratred by the slow pace

    I want the hypnosis already



  146.  #146Tina on February 11, 2010 at 1:36 am

    John Edwards is a politian right? I feel curious, I am going to google him. whoa! he’s a piece of work! I feel glad and grateful for who I am as a person. God that sounds judgemental? Holy hell! I would never want that kind of “attention” that sucks, I feel bad oh this cant be good. I live in Canada, not saying we behave better, just not really familiar with him.



  147.  #147Daria on February 11, 2010 at 1:45 am

    well i did the Wendi Friesen hypnosis

    I feel really surprised to realize that the thing I really liked about connecting with the man I want was

    when we were in the same room but not necessarily sitting by each other but we had a “wavelength” connection and there were other people, but its like me and him were on the same team and wavelength,

    like we could tell and know what the other was thinking and communicate and we each had each others back and treated the other person with the most interest and respect ie asked them questions or addressed them

    this reminds me of the way my godbrother and sister interact,

    and also how ive felt in the past and loved it

    i didnt realize this is waht i love!

    i love this with my friends and i really loved it with guywhohadababy i loved feeling special that i was the one on the wavelength with him i knew i was the most esteemed one etc

    so yeah i chose that quality and i want to be having that connection with people at choice

    it feels difficlut sometimes with Wendi’s videos becasue she doesnt make male/female distinctions in the way i like etc, BUT

    now that I feel more sure of myself instead of getting all anxious taht its not gonna turn out right i just know it is

    i feel so glad to have discovered taht i love that wavelength connection thing!



  148.  #148Daria on February 11, 2010 at 1:49 am

    I want to take all Wendi’s internet videos and edit them for the hypnosis part only.



  149.  #149Tina on February 11, 2010 at 2:12 am

    We moved to the states when I was young, I think the same year elvis died? Steven King is cook too,haha, rock on Elvis! Is John Reille’s happy ever after?

    Thanks Daria, I feel good 🙂



  150.  #150Debbie on February 11, 2010 at 7:52 am

    I really enjoy reading everything everyone has to say!!! I am slowly getting out there, and meeting people, I feel so awkward getting dressed up to go grocery shopping! I even signed up for yahoo personals haven’t went out with anyone yet though! But I am feeling more confident, never expected so many responses!
    I did break down and call him yesterday, It’s been over week, I made up some lame excuse, he didn’t even say hi to me!! It really hurt! I got off the phone as quick as possible, I felt like kicking myself the rest of the day! I kept trying to give myself positive affirmations, I even made a list of positive and negative things in the relationship! I just couldn’t shake it! But today is a new day! I am going to get out and go get my hair colored, Wow!!
    I am so out of my comfort zone with all this but I know it’s good for me!



  151.  #151gina on February 11, 2010 at 9:00 am

    I feel sad thinking that there are malls where creeks were.



  152.  #152Mercedes on February 11, 2010 at 10:11 am

    This has nothing to do with anything but:

    Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ‘ How many of you have forgiven your enemies?’

    80% held up their hands.

    The Minister then repeated his question.

    All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

    ‘Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?’

    ‘I don’t have any.’ she replied smiling sweetly.

    ‘Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?’

    ‘Ninety-eight,’ she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

    ‘Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world? ‘

    The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said,

    ‘I outlived the bitches.’

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  153.  #153Apriluv on February 11, 2010 at 10:13 am

    Dear Love Ones!

    I was dating a man for close to five months. In the fourth month, I moved in with him (Bad move on my part and a terrible mistake). During an open heart conversation, I asked him is saw me as a girl he could be with forever and he stated “I don’t think I need to be that committed right now. Let’s just continue to date and see what happens. It’s too early for me to see the future for us as a couple.” I was shocked! I told him, since you are not committed, I need to leave. I also told him I do not have sex and live with a man who has not made a commitment to me. I immediately began packing my things. As a matter of fact, that same day, I packed a few things to get me through a couple of weeks and packed the remaining items to be pick up at a later date. I found a beautiful four bedroom house for rent and moved in alone. I have not seen him since I had my family and friends with a moving truck pick up the rest of my belongings. I have avoided and completely stopped all conversations with him. At this point, I do not want to reconsile the relationship and have decided to move on. In the meantime while all of this was occuring, I was reaquainted with a man I had met more than a year ago and immediately started the process of healing myself and circuit dating. Moving out and getting “ME” back in order was the best thing I’ve ever done. I am so grateful for Rori’s programs 1. Have the Relationship You Want and 2. Reconnect Your Relationship. I don’t know if I will ever reconcile with Victor the love of my life, but I now have the tools to deal with circuit dating and if in the future Victor and I a reaquainted, I have the tools to reconnect with him. Thank you Rori! Thank you! Apriluv



  154.  #154DocK on February 11, 2010 at 10:15 am

    Sorry, coming in so late to this post and I have only been able to scan through – hoping I don’t repeat anything.

    I think the thing that really bothers me about this situation is that if a man is really IN LOVE – it shouldn’t matter what he has or hasn’t done.

    If a guy is recently divorced, starts dating and realizes things are moving too fast and, perhaps, the woman is having expectations for something that exceeds what he is ready for, then I CAN understand him doing a whoooaaa doggie and pulling back and letting her know that he isn’t ready for that, and that he really feels he needs to do just dating before sinking into something again.

    BUT if a guy is with a woman, sometimes she was his mistress and yes, sometimes the guy actually leaves the wife and goes with the mistress (my own dad is exhibit A) or he starts dating while he is getting divorces or soon after, if he tells the woman that he is IN LOVE – then I don’t understand what it is that he needs to experience out there. Why? OK, yes, maybe you SHOULD HAVE kept it light and not let it get too intense. But if the man is the one that has decided he is in love then what does that mean?

    Does it mean – I am in love with you but I still need to screw around, experience random sex and different bodies and then I’ll come back to you when I’m done. How is that “in love?” Don’t tell me men are so different and can separate sex and love and crap. So then what does it mean after he comes back to you after all of that and says, “I’m in love with you” the second time around? How is it different? Should a woman trust her heart with a man that, sounds, to me, like he doesn’t know his own heart?

    Yes, the guys will always encourage the newly divorced man to mess around and get out there. they think it’s so great (most of these guys are married themselves and living vicariously) but the fact of the matter is, it isn’t that great out there and I have known men (relatives, friends) that did this and realized that just cuz some of these women had nice young bodies or were pretty, didn’t mean they were all that “talented” in other areas or they couldn’t match the relationship depth that they had with the woman they left behind or these women just weren’t that much fun to be around or were very status conscious. OR that they wanted a ring on their finger in a big hurry just like a lot of other women!

    I don’t know. I guess someone might say what does it matter if he only “dated” other women or actually screwed around – as long as he comes back to you ready. I just don’t know that I could accept that – maybe that means I would be missing out on something special. I would just have a heckuva time trusting what “in love” really means to him.

    I am probably sensitive to this (ya think?) because I have watched too many female friends go through this.

    I feel angry, frustrated, sad and almost raging reading this post.

    I realize that some women have met a great guy dating him before his divorce was final or soon after, for me – no dating any man unless divorce papers are signed and he has been single for at least a year.

    Anything else and this is the typical scenario and no matter how you slice it or how he explains it – it just makes you feel like you’re not enough. Even though that’s crap – you – we – all of us are enough. Maybe intellectually, I can understand what he is saying but my heart doesn’t.



  155.  #155Simply Shannon on February 11, 2010 at 10:30 am

    Dock: I couldn’t accept a man back like that either. I also don’t date men who are not officially divorced. If they are newly divorced, I’m usually asking things like “have you dated several women since your divorce was final?” I feel nervous if I’m the first one or it’s really recent. I know it’s not going to go anywhere, might be fun but no false hopes. 😉



  156.  #156Aldonza on February 11, 2010 at 10:37 am

    Wow, my gut on this one is that Sara is Derek’s emotional liferaft. He was clinging to her to get out of his marriage. And now he’s still floating on her while he experiments with the roller coaster of dating. She needs to not be his liferaft anymore.

    She also needs to be honest about what he’s really doing. He’s testing his market value. He’s going to soon figure out what “level” of woman he can attract. He’s going to get more sex than he had in the last five years of his marriage.

    Yes, I said sex. It’s incredibly naive to think that he is going to “just date” and not have sex. Sex is so very available for men, especially attractive men. When he says “experiment”, he isn’t talking about taking a lawyer to coffee and taking a financial analyst out for pizza.

    I think Rori’s advice is dead on. You need to move forward “as if” he isn’t going to come back, because there exists a very real possibility that he isn’t coming back. Otherwise you *are* wasting more time being nothing more than his emotional liferaft.



  157.  #157Daria on February 11, 2010 at 11:14 am

    Mercedes –

    OMGosh you had me fooled! I thought it was a real story! I laughed out loud. HEHEHE. I read it to my mom too.



  158.  #158DocK on February 11, 2010 at 11:26 am

    Yes SS – but I need to clarify that this is a lesson I learned the hard way. At my age, I have made about as many mistakes as anyone can make and I did go that route. Didn’t turn out well for me so I just hope it didn’t sound like I had my stuff all together. Only thing is, that is the only way for us to learn. It doesn’t matter if someone else went through it and tries to advise us from their painful experience – we think “it’s different” in our case.

    Oh well. I know better going forward. As Maya Angelou says, “when you know better, you do better.”



  159.  #159Simply Shannon on February 11, 2010 at 11:41 am

    Dock: You’re so funny. “At my age”? Yeah, you’re ancient. I’m 37. 😀

    And I learned from experience too… from how **I** was right before and after my divorce. I was an emotional mess and looking to be with anyone who would take me. When you first get separated/ divorced, it feels exhilirating and terrifying all at the same time. Anything different feels exciting, ya know? Compared to the man I just left, ANY guy is like a prince or something. LOL! That’s why I don’t date men who aren’t divorced or newly divorced. I know somebody’s gotta be the first one but I feel better if it’s not me. Go sow your wild oats, then come talk to me. 😀



  160.  #160DocK on February 11, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    SS – back at you now with “you’re so funny” – I will be 50 this year (thankfully, not until August). LOL



  161.  #161Mercedes on February 11, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    Thanks Daria! I think sometimes we all need to just laugh out loud no matter what else is happening… 🙂



  162.  #162Turtle Girl on February 11, 2010 at 3:01 pm

    Mercedes-
    So funny! Thank you for that joke-laughing is so good, especially to remind us among all the heartbreak and problems we all have with men, that life is just life after all, and maybe we need to all lighten up on occasion! Not take all this shit so seriously. Get over ourselves!

    In regards to this post-I wouldn’t let the door let him in the ass. This has all the feel of being used for emotional support until I can spread my own wings and fly (get more women for sex, etc) Sounds like Sara was Dereks Mommy in many ways.
    It feels really icky to me. Get the heck out of Dodge feels like what Sara ought to do. I never date men who are fresh out of divorces or their wife just died. They are not in their right mind.



  163.  #163Siena on February 11, 2010 at 4:17 pm

    Ladies,

    I am somewhat new to this forum and need some advice. I just got off the phone with an old ex. We have maintained a business relationship, and this phone call was to end the business relationship. Not for any personal reasons, it was just not good business anymore, and so had to end. I have no romantic feelings towards him anymore, but this last call has made me feel really sick and I don’t know how to handle it.

    I have been using Rori’s tools and drinking in the blog posts as if they were life-giving-water. I’ve been practicing feeling messages, and feel like my heart is opening up again for the first time in many many years. All in all, it’s been a wonderful experience!

    But this phone call just made me feel totally sick and icky, and I don’t know how to handle it. Help! The ex launched into a personal story about him and his (now) ex – the one who came after me. He talked about how they went to drug counseling together and are in AA, etc. etc. etc. How she won’t leave him alone now and how he’s heartbroken. He was asking me how he should handle it! We ended the phone call quickly because he got called into a meeting, but he ended saying he loved me and wanted to call me again to finish our convo. I feel sick to my stomach, icky, like I’ve been pulled into some dark dungeon.

    The ‘old’ me would have closed up my heart to not feel these feelings. The ‘new’ me with an open heart is a little lost. It don’t want to talk to him again! But I also don’t want to feel this way anymore either! I can easily ignore his calls – but how do I deal with these feelings?

    Now, I should say that when he and I broke up I was really hurt. I felt used by him – he borrowed a bunch of money, which only later I suspected he used for drugs. He was (as far as I know) sober when he was with me, and started using once we broke up. He also jumped into a new relationship with this girl less than one month after breaking up with me. (BTW, I was still talking to him at that point, being his ‘friend’ with the hopes of rekindling something. Never again!)

    It took me some time to work through my feelings about him, but I finally was able move beyond the hurt and really wish him well, which I do.

    The old me was a little hard hearted, and so could pick up and move on from a conversation like this last one with little problem. The new me feels really vulnerable even to this guy who’s no good for me.

    Help me to understand how to guard my heart in cases like this without closing it up again!

    Thank you so much,

    Siena



  164.  #164Rori Raye on February 11, 2010 at 4:17 pm

    Apriluv, Welcome – and WOW – you are amazing!!! I’m just so glad you feel good and happy, and were able to take action for yourself that felt right. Love, Rori



  165.  #165Kay on February 11, 2010 at 4:55 pm

    Siena it seems he’s still using you as a stepping stone, why else would he tell you about his problems with the woman in his life. Don’t you deserve a man for yourself, a man that allows you to lean on him and not him leaning on you, he fed you a crumb and you don’t have to eat it. Please don’t allow this man to step on and over you any longer, he’s already stepped on your money which I assume he hasn’t given back, he’s stepped over you to be with someone else and now he’s stepping on your heart, I wouldn’t feel good about myself If once again I allowed myself to eat his crumbs and get stepped on.

    You were a source of comfort in his past and I don’t know any man that wouldn’t want to keep that kind of woman in his life, doesn’t mean he’s in love with you, he’s in love with the woman he’s complaining about…

    It’s okay to have a open heart but it’s not okay to allow men to feed you crumbs and step on and over you to get to the next woman.



  166.  #166Kay on February 11, 2010 at 5:01 pm

    Apriluv you totally inspired me, I will remember your story forever and use it as a blueprint on my journey. I enjoyed reading your post, good for you for taking care of yourself and letting his words be a reality for you instead of clinging to hope that he would change his mind.

    Bravo!!



  167.  #167Turtle Girl on February 11, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    Sienna-
    You are not this man’s therapist! If he wants advice for how to handle his love life and so forth, let him pay for it on the couch. You can say, Um, bummer,, oh, that’s too bad and then—-I have to go, I have a date! Catch ya later! And then don’t answer the phone next time he calls (caller ID I assume). Why do we women constantly put ourselves through this kind of heartache for what? Crumbs. Then the guy gets what he needs, says, oh thanks, you are the best and proceeds to move on with his life and you will never hear from him again once he is squared away with his new woman! He is using you is what it feels like to me.



  168.  #168Turtle Girl on February 11, 2010 at 5:32 pm

    Apriluv-

    You rock!
    You sound like a woman who knows who she is, what she wants and has the guts and self esteem to back it up. Hurray for you! Fan-tabulous!

    If every single woman out there acted like this, we would have a completely different world of men.
    Men get away often times with bad behavior because we let them, we put up with their shit.

    Your story thrills my heart.



  169.  #169Siena on February 11, 2010 at 6:36 pm

    Thank you Kay and Turtle Rock. You are right, I felt used, which is a good way to sum up those other feelings I put in my earlier post.

    I have no intention of talking to him again. I didn’t know that our business phone call was going to get personal, but I should have ended the call more quickly…by the time I realized what had happened, it was over (5 minutes in all).

    I feel blessed that the business agreement is over, because there are no more strings linking me to this man and I can just look at it as a learning experience.

    Thank you both again,

    Siena



  170.  #170jay on February 11, 2010 at 7:23 pm

    Sara. My heart goes out to you. I find in a similar situation. I lost my husband and a couple of years later I met what seemed to be the perfect man. He loved me convinced me I was everything to him. We shared everything. I let my guard down. We made plans for a future. We would get married as soon as his last kid was done with school. Everything was going as planned. He had already filed for divorce when we met. I have been there for him. He said he never loved her married and stayed married for the kids. He said he loved me and it was the first he was in love he couldnt wait to marry me. I was so happy. He suffered and accident and his kids and ex rallied around him. His kids don’t know about me we didnt want to rock the boat at the time. Now I suddenly get a phone call from him that he wants to try again with his ex and he loves her for showing so much kindness and support to him. He has been bedridden. I couldnt be with him because his whole family has been w/him 24 hours a day. I didnt choose to stay away. He loved me for 2 in a half years and then all of a sudden he wakes up one morning and forgot his love his promises to me. I tried talking to him. He said he couldn’t be with me anymore but had not stopped loving me. She has been there for him and he owes it to her to stay . I dont understand. I’m angry hurt sad. I feel used. I cant eat I cant sleep. All I do is cry. I miss him so much. How could he just throw me away like that. What did I do wrong.



  171.  #171Debbie on February 12, 2010 at 10:38 am

    Debbie
    I really don’t understand how this whole blogging thing works! I am kind of new at this! I feel lost!



  172.  #172Rori Raye on February 12, 2010 at 11:51 am

    Debbie – how can we help you get into the swing of this? If you sign up to get the comments sent to you, you can follow the conversations easily, or you can just keep checking back here and reading through the new comments, see if someone replied to you, and write some more. I know there are so many comments to get by email, but you can get quickly what’s for you and delete what doesn’t apply…it feels like a group conversation. Love, Rori



  173.  #173Rori Raye on February 12, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    Oh Jay – so, so sorry…and this is the only thing I see that would have been a red flag: His kids not knowing about you. Completely unacceptable in ANY situation with a man after the first few months. I know custody is very tricky, and so many men are worried about what if the judge sees he has a girlfriend…but that’s what lawyers are for for advice…and if that’s the situation…you best get out of there, or at LEAST Circular Date. Anything that smacks of “waiting” is not good. I know you feel these 2 years are down the drain – but they’re not. You get to take what you learned with you, so the next man will be faster and better. If something changes – he gets well, he realizes he doesn’t want to be with the ex, he wants you – you’ll know about it, and please promise me you won’t get sucked in again. Please promise me NO EXCLUSIVITY with ANY man UNTIL everything is in order – you’re part of his family, you have a ring and a wedding date and a place to live together. Love, Rori



  174.  #174T.R. on February 14, 2010 at 11:27 pm

    Rori,

    I have written about this in the past, but I am hoping I can get some advice directly from you. When I was in college (11 years ago) I dated a man 9 years older than me. We moved in, became engaged, then broke off the engagement. After that we dated off and on until I finally moved away. During the time we were apart, I got married, travelled and have been going through the process of a divorce for a long time. I have also dated since separating from my husband. The man I was engaged to in college has since had 2 other women live with him. We had talked occasionally through the years. Recently we started e-mailing about once a week.
    My difficulty is that I have yet to feel for any other man what I felt for this one. I was sure that after this many years, these feelings would go away. However, every man I have met since him I have compared to him in my mind. We e-mail about once a week. I have thought about not continuing this because I still occasionally have the same feelings come up, this many years later. I don’t know how to handle this. Part of me thinks that if I still have these feelings come up it must mean something. I am trying to cicurlar date, but, living in a small town, have had a difficult time with this.
    Any advice you have would be appreciated.



  175.  #175Rori Raye on February 15, 2010 at 8:58 am

    T.R. – I think I have a post in here about this…he sounds like your “muse” – a man who “haunts” you and is meant to serve you in some way. What it means is up to you. Turn it into a good thing – regardless of whether you ever actually see him again. Love, Rori



  176.  #176T.R. on February 15, 2010 at 11:44 am

    Thank you Rori. I like that “he sounds your muse”. He does haunt me. I think, and now am trying to feel, that he “haunts” me as a reminder of what I definately want, and also don’t want in relationships. Since he and I broke up, I had, until recently accepted less than I deserve. And, in some ways, when I was with him I took less than I deserved. This is my lesson from him. Accept the best and nothing less!



  177.  #177sara on February 17, 2010 at 3:30 am

    Hey everyone its sara. Thx so much for your comments and support- u have no idea how much your advice has helped me over the past couple weeks. Although it hurts to see some of the harsh comments, I believe its exactly what I need to hear. The one thing I do want to clear up though because the last few posts kept harping on it was the sex thing. Derek is NOT having sex with other women. Its not something I am being naiive about, it was a promise he made to me. We had both made a pact with each other that we would stay sexually exclusive with eachother.. That although he could go on dates and so could I, that neither of us could have sex with anyone else (but eachother). Derek has always been brutally honest with me- that’s one thing I can say for sure- for better or worse he has always told me the truth. He has told me about every woman he has been on a date with and what has happened with each one. So I think everyone is judging this situation to be somewhat different than what it is- he is NOT trying to go “sleep around” or “experiment” by having sex with women. Believe it or not this truly is just about him having some freedom to go out with his friends without checking in, and to go out on some dates – something he has never done and felt he had missed out on the act of the “date”. The one thing I left out in my last post was my sexual history with derek. Our sexual chemistry is off the charts. Before me, he thought he had a “problem” with both performance and even getting to the point where he was able to have sex. He has hooked up with women in the past, but as I mentioned, has never had sex with anyone (besides his wife and myself). He can’t even get aroused by the most beautiful women (which may explain why he’s had sex with so few women). I am the only woman he has ever truly felt that sexual chemistry with and I believe this was probably another reason he felt/feels a connection to me. He told me that he wants one more month of dating just to get it out of his system (not sex, just the act of dating- he wants to know that he HAD that experience in his life so that he doesn’t end up wanting it later on, when we are married) , and he feels he needs a few more weeks to just get out there with his friends and party really hard. He said he needs to “spiral out of control” for ONCE in his life. By that he means go out, drink, hang out with some single girls and get his ego stroked I guess. I believe he is VERY immature. He has been dating a lot of girls. He has been power dating. Like 3-4 dates a week with different girls just to get his” number up”. He said he has made out with a few of these girls at a club or after the date but that was the extent of it. He said not one of them has aroused him sexually (back to the sexual problem) and even if he wanted to have sex with any of the dates, he wouldn’t physically be able to. He tells me that I am the only woman who he has a true physcial and emotional connection with. He still tells me that I am the only woman for him and his soulmate. And he said these dates have been great for him because he feels like he had the experience now but it has also made him realize that there is no girl out there that even comes close to me. He keeps telling me he wants to have til april 1st to finish up with his last few weeks of craziness and on april 1st he wants to commit to me and start as a serious couple for real. He asked if we could date eachother from now until april 1st (while we both still date other ppl, but still only have sex with each other, no one else) and then once april 1st hits its just me and him exclusively.
    He asked me to go to the bahamas with him for valentines day weekend and I said no. I have been taking everyones advice and just ignoring him, only texting back once every few days and it seems to be working. Last week he was begging me to spend the weekend away with him for valentines day and even though in my heart I REALLY wanted to do it, I said no.

    I’m not sure what to do now. I mean I will still continue to leave him alone, but ultimately I do still want to be with derek. I know its easy to say just leave him but I truly do believe he is the one and I do know that he loves me. Someone u love so much and had planned your entire future with is not so easy to just walk away from, especially when he is still saying he wants it. I know I’m not just his mommy or liferaft as someone said. He is VERY passionate about me we have amazing chemistry and I know that he is not looking for someone better than me. I truly believe he is a bit immature. He cares about “looking cool” and he doesn’t want to be the guy who has never been on any dates anymore. I know that’s one thing he never liked about himself. Now that he’s single he cares so much about showing off for his friendss, being cool, going out, and looking like a “stud” who gets a lot of dates with the ladies. And I believe its extremely immature and I won’t tolerate it and that’s why I am going to let him be. But I honestly DO believe that he thinks I am the one for him. He doesn’t respect these girls he is dating. He is taking out any ditsy girl he meets at a club, or( who a friend sets him up with) just to have a “date”. This is a guy who cares about substance in a partner, and the women he is taking on dates are all fillers.
    He constantly tells me I’m the only woman he will ever have this level of connection with, and begs me to understand that this is just him having an identity crisis.
    But the bottom line is, the guy is SELFISH. That is what I think it boils down to. I know him very well by now. I know he is in love with me. But I also know that he is extremely selfish and very immature and those two characteristics are taking over right now.
    I am trying my best to circular date but I have to say its REALLY hard. He really is all I think about. Especially this past weekend when I didn’t join him for valentines day. He called me 6 times on vday to say he loved me. I’m not sure what I’m going to do about this april 1st thing. Every bone in my body will want to be with him if he’s telling me he wants to finally committ to me and be together… But will that even happen? Can I even trust him now. Who knows. I’m just going to keep doing what I’ve been doing. Thanks again everyone. Love, sara



  178.  #178Jessie on February 18, 2010 at 6:04 am

    I think it is different when a man tells you he is not ready and you get the hint and see other people than this situation when She said I am ready, I want you and he said sorry I want to get with other people….He deserves to see her circular date because that is exactly what he wants to do….and circular dating doesnt just mean going out with other men, it means having some fun, date your self, dont spend all your time with one person (who is also somewhat rejecting you by saying “IM NOT READY!) I hate the Im not ready….they get to say that whenever there is responsibility and I find it so hard to say that!!!



  179.  #179Simply Shannon on February 18, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    Sara, I feel super ick that this man can say these things to you and you’re okay with it. I would feel hella mad and jealous! He’s making out with girls and you’re LETTING him tell you about it? Ick, ick, ick. No way could I stand that. If it were me, I’d cut this guy off. If/when he’s ready to come back, then we’ll see. I don’t need the play by play of all of his dates. Imagine the ego trip he’s getting by replaying those dates to you. Would you do that to him? Maybe you should try that? Make out with some dude and tell him about it. Gosh. I feel MAD.

    And truthfully I would also feel scared that the only reason he is staying with me is because he can’t physically sleep with anyone else. That would be a VERY big fear for me. And I would also be very scared that if he found someone else who aroused him, he would be sleeping with that other person.

    No. I don’t want a play by play of someone I’m in love with. If they want out, then that’s their business but I don’t want or need to hear about it.

    GRRRR!!! Mad, mad, mad.



  180.  #180sara on February 18, 2010 at 4:23 pm

    I know simply shannon ur totally right. It was partially my fault though because I told him I WANTED to know exactly what happened with his dates, which I know is so stupid. This was before I initially got the advice from rori. We have always had this policy where we are 100% honest with eachother and tell eachother EVERYTHING no matter what- good or bad. So I wanted him to tell me what happened on his dates, and vice versa, he wanted to know about mine. I would tell him that I made out with a guy or whatever. I know it sounds like its immature and not normal but we have always had this kind of totally honest relationship. Anyway. I have been an idiot and I know it.
    The bottom line is that he is not acting like a man who is in love with me anymore- if he was, he wouldn’t want to go on dates with ANYONE else- I don’t care how long he has been married.

    So today I completely ended everything. I told him it was completely over. That I had too much self respect to wait for anyone and I would not waste another second of my life waiting for him to be ready to committ. I told him I had no interest in being together on april 1st… That he should feel free to do whatever he likes because I am officially done with this relationship.

    I of course feel sad but I know it was my only choice. I know he doesn’t believe me, he probably thinks I’m not serious and that he will be able to get me back whenever he is ready and done with his “dates”, but I am making a promise to myself right now that I will not give in to him.
    He wasn’t treating me like a princess anymore, and I don’t know if he EVER would.

    I want so badly to get over him and move forward, I feel I have taken the first step. I just need to figure out how to stick with this.

    Thanks so much for your support everyone.
    Love ,
    Sara



  181.  #181Simply Shannon on February 19, 2010 at 7:09 am

    Sara: Wow, I feel completely surprised by your turnaround. I feel shocked actually. And proud and happy and amazed.

    Circular Date. Rip the bandaid off and get out there. I swear it’s magic. The more you go out, the more you’ll see how MANY men are out there and how many of those men want YOU.

    Good luck to you Sara! Today is the start of a different tomorrow. You’ve done it girl! I feel so proud and happy!!!

    Shannon



  182.  #182Sara on February 20, 2010 at 1:27 am

    Thanks simply shannon. I know it might seem like a turnaround because I ended it with him, but in my heart im still really struggling with this. I know alot of you say “i would never date a guy who is just divorced”, and of course, that is so easy to say when you are not involved. WHo WOULD? If you had asked me that question before this happend to me, I would have told you I would NEVER touch a divorced guy with a 10 foot pole. I wanted to marry a guy who had never been married with NO kids. And I ended up falling in love with a 32 yr old divorced kid, who has a child. There was just no stopping this. I tried to resist in EVERY way I could. It was SO powerful. I fought it off. he pursued me, I would break it off, tell him we have to break up. I broke his heart twice. CRUSHED him. Belivee me this was NOT a choice I made to “date” a guy going through a divorce.
    (If you met someone you believed was your soulmate, who u had been waiting your entire life for, Im sure several of you would have found it hard to turn away fate like that, divorce or no divorce.)

    I have had several SERIOUS relationships in my life and was engaged once before, and I have NEVER had a connection with anyone or felt so in love than I did/am with Derek. He used to chase me, he would do anything I said, he respected me like I was a goddess. For our entire relationship until just RECENTLY, i have always had the upper hand. Derek has always been the one who was a little more “into” me, if you can believe it. He would write me poems that were so deep and heartfelt.. And this is a guy who has never written a poem in his life.. (he is a finance guy- NOT creative at all.) He told me he could never imagine life without me now that he had me. Whether we would get married or not was never even a question- it was a GIVEN. we were planning our entire lives together. I have never felt so close to a human being in my life. I had NO doubt that this man was my soulmate. He told his brother that i was his soulmate just a month after we met. we KNEW right off the bat. I am a very rational person, i do not fall in love easily, but with derek it was something so powerful. We had our kids names picked out, we were already apartment hunting. We knew when we would be engaged, married, and when I would try to get pregnant. He wanted a sibling for his son asap so he wanted to get married and have a kid by next summer. Which is why this all SHOCKS me now. And also why this is so hard to just walk away from. He literally did a 180 on me in a mattter of 30 days.

    Derek is young. Hes 32. But hes really immature (acts like hes 25) I think its probably because he got married so young and was thrown into that “grown up” life, that he never had the chance to be a 20-something. He never partied, never went out.. did the singles scene. Now suddenly he is 32, successful, very goodlooking and for the first time in his life- SINGLE. He is on a different PLANET right now. I dont even recognize who he is. Its like my sweet little boy who I fell so madly in love with was kidnapped and replaced with this cocky “player” who just wants to be COOL and party.
    He has been acting so IMMATURE it is almost embarassing. He has found this new group of guys to hang out with- they are all single and party like rock stars and chase girls around are horrible influences. They are his “new best friends”. He has changed his style of clothing, bought a new car, new watch, an entire new wardrobe all in the matter of weeks. He does whatever these guys tell him. He goes out almost EVERY night. He has a very intense job and he has been getting in late to work for the first time in his life. And the worst part of everything, is that his relationship with his son is now starting to suffer too. He has no time for his son because he is too busy going out every night with his friends or on one of his “dates”. He is literally out of control. This is aguy who barely touched a drink and now hes getting wasted every night. I do not even recognize him.

    His family is worried about him, his own mother had to sit down with him last week and talk to him about his recent behavior. He has always been such a good father, and all the sudden he has started spending less time with his child, so he can go out. This man has become COMPLETELY self absorbed in a matter of months. The two most important things in his life were his son, and me- and he hasnt been paying much attention to either of us. I dont know what to make of this. He is obviously going through SOMETHING. Hes acting like a lunatic.

    Once I realized that he is NOT the person I know and loved, I knew it was over. And then after reading roris post, I knew my only choice was to walk away. At first i thought, ok maybe I should stick with him while he gets over this “phase”- but then I realized.. what if this isnt a “phase”?? what if he is going to be like this forever?? Maybe he has PERMANENTLY changed into this new, cocky, superficial party guy who just wants to be cool??

    If thats the case then he is NOT for me anyway. The sad part though is i DO LOVE him and im honestly worried about him. I dont WANT to see him becoming this new person. He is changing for the worse and it sucks. i hope it IS just a phase but for some reason I dont ever think he will be that same innocent boy that he was before this.

    Today he contacted me and tried to tell me that he loves me and wants to be with me. He said that I am the one for him. He said the dates mean nothing, hes not interested in anyone.. He said please understand that this is not about ME and not about our relationship… its about HIM. He said hes acting like an idiot right now but its just something he “has to do”… he missed this time in his life and he just wants to get this out of his system. He said he wants to marry me and have a family.

    I told him I didnt care what he “says” anymore. I said i have been listening to you “say” things for years and Im done. I said if you REALLY loved me you would care more about the fact that youre losing me right now than having another two months of partying. I said its over. And i removed him from my phone.

    It was SO hard to do. I feel like I lost my future, my dreams. He was my dream come true. He was literally everything i had ever dreamed of. And i couldnt believe that I was actually be one of those people who gets that fairy tale ending. turns out i was right. It WAS too good to be true.

    The fact is, if he was MADLY in love he wouldnt let me go. I dont care what this “crisis” is. But I know him so well by now, and I know what he is thinking. He has become SO cocky, that he doesnt think that he is “letting me go”:. he thinks that Im going to be right there waiting for him next month
    Thats why i need to be strong and WALK AWAY. Its just so devastating.

    I know that the answer is to circular date. And at the risk of sounding like a loser, I have to say- that is the LAST thing I want to do right now. I am so upset at what has happened… I feel like I lost the love of my life… I was going to be engaged to this man by this summer, married by the end of the year and planning to be pregnant by next summer. And that is ALL I can think about. The last thing I want to do is go bang some other guy who I have NO interest in. Honestly, that might work for some women, but I know for a FACT, that the only thing that would do is make me feel 200 times worse.

    When I go on a date with a guy who I dont like, it REALLY depresses me. It makes me miss derek THAT much more and makes me realize how much better he is than the guy I am on a date with. I know the circular dating is for self esteem. But I dont feel I need to go on a date with some guy I dont like to boost my self esteem, you know? I am a pretty confident girl as it is. im young, I go out, I get hit on by a lot of guys- I already know im attractive…

    I dont know. I guess what Im saying is dating is VERY tough for me. I dont like it. I only like to go out with a guy if Im attracted to him right off the bat, and if i know there is real potential there. Going out with someone just for the sake of having a date sounds horrible to me. You know?

    Sorry to keep ranting… you must all be so bored. Hahah. I know im totally messed up over this guy. I wish this was all a bad dream but i need to face reality and move forward. Brutal.



  183.  #183Lori on February 20, 2010 at 6:53 am

    Sara,

    HUGS! Reading your post took me back to where I was a year ago over my ex. It IS so much harder to get over when there are no real issues in the relationship and everything is perfect and you have that soulmate feeling and then something changes. It just doesn’t feel the same as when you are trying to get over a toxic man or a bad relationship. All I can say is it gets a little better with time. Take baby steps with the circular dating. One hour coffee or happy hour dates work best in the beginning. Also just going out with girlfriends or yourself. Yes it’s about confidence, but since you already know that you are attractive, for you it will be more about setting your life up so that it’s not planned around him. That way if this is not just a phase but a permanent change for him, you will be moving on.

    When I dropped the oars and stopped rowing with my ex (who I was still “dating” casually and long distance for almost a YEAR after we broke up even though he was also dating and sleeping with another woman too!) he did exactly what I was afraid of. He stopped calling me and asking me to do things with him too. We lost touch for about 4 months. But guess what? I SURVIVED what I feared most! I have been doing Rori’s programs, circular dating and planning my new life without him since then.

    I am now up for a promotion in a big city that is about the same distance from him as I am now, but means bigger and better things for me career wise and also opportunities for me to meet new men. (I currently live in a small town where single men over 30 are in short supply) Because my best friend is engaged to one of his friends, he heard about my pending promotion and move and began calling, texting and emailing me again. Just little flirty messages like he misses me and how nice it would be to see me again. I feel excited when I get them, but they are just WORDS. If he wanted to come get me, he WOULD. NOTHING would stop him. Your man would too. What he is giving you now is just WORDS. They mean NOTHING without any action behind them!

    I feel certain that his renewed interest is due to him realizing that I’m living my life without him and not sitting here pining for him anymore. And that I may move to a city where I will meet more men. I know you have a ways to go and if it makes you feel any better, it has now been a year and a half since he and I broke up and I’m still not 100% over him. But I AM living and enjoying my life and learning how to be a goddess here. If the situation should ever change with him and we decided to try it again, I know it would be even better than before because of these changes I have been through. If not, I know there will be someone even better for me even though that’s hard to imagine right now. Although I still miss him, I feel excited for my future and the possibilities of where my life might take me!



  184.  #184Simply Shannon on February 20, 2010 at 8:11 am

    Sara, I know how hard this part is. I remember all too well how much I was against circular dating until I really did it. And truthfully sometimes it does feel difficult and frustrating. However, circular dating is about ME getting out there and doing something fun. I don’t have to love or like the guy in front of me. Like Mercedes has written on her blog, “it’s just a latte, not a marriage proposal”. It’s not just about free therapy. It’s putting yourself out in the world and being curious about another person. It can even just be talking to other people at the grocery store. It doesn’t have to be a date. It’s about interacting with other people while YOU are doing something fun.

    Sitting in the house, being miserable all day long, thinking about him and what he is doing is a day you could be out in this world. Before you met Derek, you didn’t believe it was possible to meet someone so great. And then you did. And it will happen again. Someone better than Derek, someone who wants you forever.

    I know it hurts. And I feel so bad that you are hurting. Right now you need to feel your feelings. Feel the devastation over losing what you had with Derek. Then remember he is a grown man making his own choices about what he wants. And right or wrong, they are HIS choices.

    Find your anger Sara. Use the anger to propel you forward.



  185.  #185mackenzie on March 29, 2010 at 11:21 am

    I am curious about something that seems like a discrepancy and I’m hoping you can clarify this. Rori says something like you should ignore the guys emails and texts but then you are also supposed to be “into him”. I have a very time ignoring texts and emails and if someone does that to me I write them off as rude, uninterested or boring.

    I just started CD and have told my “bf” that I’m doing it. It HAS resulted in more attention from him, but I’m pretty sure that the “bf” was not really believing that I was really dating other people but I’m pretty sure he does now as he just spent the last weekend at my house on a visit (after moving away). He heard my home phone ring and texts on my cell phone enough times to be seriously wondering about how my CD is going. I don’t initiate anything ever now but I feel like responding when he emails or texts me. Isn’t that OK? To just respond to their messages as a way to show you are “into them”? Ignoring their messages seems like too much of a game. But I also realize the value of him missing me and wonder (doing it my way) how he is ever going to miss meif he keeps emailing and I keep responding. But, I don’t want to be rude or have him think I am rude vs. thinking I am warm and safe and “into him”.



  186.  #186DocK on March 30, 2010 at 9:11 am

    Hi Mackenzie

    I think the part of RR’s post that says this might help you:

    “DON’T LET him “keep tabs” on you. Answer his texts ever few days with simple messages, like…”Feeling happy the suns out…” or “Saw Avatar – wow…” or “Front page of the paper makes me feel sad…” or – you get the idea. Stay AWAY from talking about the relationship.”

    You get to choose when or how often you respond, just do it in the way she says above.

    You can turn off the “alert” that you get when a text comes through so that when you are actually, truly “busy” on a date – with someone else or yourself – or just doing what you love to do – you aren’t “pretending” anything. You really and truly are busy.

    For instance, I love to work out and dance. When I am working out – my phone is in the locker. Some people carry theirs around. I don’t. So in that way, I am busy and not having to feel like I have to respond immediately. I don’t know if this helps. : )



  187.  #187Cel on September 12, 2010 at 12:21 am

    Oh wow. I would love to know how things went with Sara. Did you end up happy and discover a new you? Did Derek finally wake up and get his? Or are you both happy ever after? Damn.
    Something similiar happened to me a long time ago and my ex chased me to the US to get the chance to be with me again. But he didn’t actually express himself when he tracked me down. Its like he chickened out at the last minute, pretended it was a coincidence that we were staying at the same place. So I pretended I didn’t know he was there for me, gave him some sisterly advice & moved on. Some men will never be ready.
    Am in situation where the guy I am seeing exclusively, at his insistence (yes I know, bad) is saying a lot but not doing anything. The problem is his lack of communication. After a recent talk, he told me, as well as his ever-present fear of betrayal, is a fear of being trapped. I so wish he had said that at the start, I would never have taken a guy seriously who’s afraid of being trapped. Am at the point where I give up.
    I have explained that actions, not talk, is what is important to me, but he just can’t seem to follow through. I feel so sad for him and the possiblities that will end, but I think I will be sadder for me if I keep seeing someone who is “all mouth, no trousers” as the old english expression goes.
    He has tried to ‘force himself’ to communicate with me – obviously hasn’t worked and who wants to have man who doesn’t get excited and happy at the thought of talking to her, being with her… 🙁 Sad
    Anyway, am feeling inspired by Sara’s courage and self worth to take steps to move on.



  188.  #188Rick on October 10, 2011 at 10:14 am

    I am a man, I saw your site and thought a woman would probably be my best help. So here it goes. I am married
    for 27 years. For the past 10 years my wife and I grew apart. We talked about it, went for counseling and realized we are not in love any more. We live like best friends and roommates. Not like a husband and wife. My wife also over these 10 years has lost interest in sex, she blames it on early menopausal issues. So we decided to divorce. We are both fine in all this. Here is the problem, I met a woman 4 years ago and started a friendship with her that grew into a love relationship between us. Even though it was against both our principles we made love and fell in love. My girlfriend knew all up front,except shethought our divorce would have been faster, which is my fault because I wanted my wife to initiate the process. Before I met this woman four years ago my wife said she wanted a divorce.
    So I waited for her to initiate the process, not knowing I would fall for another woman. The reason for the delay in our divorce was financial, too many things hit all at once.
    You name it it happened, my daughter was going to college, the economy got bad, my investments tanked on me, and job loss. So now I am in the process of my divorce but my girlfriend feels she fell out of love with me. She feels I should have moved it faster for us to be together. Now she tells me that she does not want sex which we have been holding off of any way and says get the divorce and we will see how she feels after this. Now in between all this she has been true to me and I true to her. She mentioned that somebody was interested in courting her and asked me how I felt? I said I am in love with her and her only and asked her not to let anybody in between.
    I want to marry her and have a family with her. So far she has not let anybody in. As per her request, she just wants to see eachother as friends which is what we are doing. We get together play tennis, go to a movie, have dinner etc. Her rule is no intamacy till I am divorced, I agreed. I am in love with her no doubt, I know she loves me no doubt.
    I just wonder can she fall back in love with me? How do I handle this? I don’t want to lose her. How do I keep her without pressuring her? I don’t want to smother her yet I want her to know I am there for her. How do I reassure her of this as I go through the process of divorce. I am finding my relationship with her tougher than the divorce because as a man I don’t know if I am reading her right. I lover so much and she knows it, yet I feel I could lose her if I don’t play my cards right. I hope you can help me. Signed, Rick, A man lost in love as he goes through a divorce.