Are you disgusted with men?

Are you faced with the thought of dating men who are “sub-par” – and it feels icky?

I’ve experienced this a lot in my life, so I know what you’re feeling when you write me that you had a date with a man, and he only talked about himself, and wasn’t curious about you, and seemed awkward, and you just weren’t attracted to him AT ALL – and your question is – “What do I do now?  Do I continue to date him, or…what?”

If you’re Circular Dating – I hope you gave him a chance, got curious yourself, looked at him as a messenger and listened and looked for his message – and still, I need to tell you when “enough is enough.”

Here’s the IMPORTANT deal here.  I don’t want you to just “go along” with a man who’s behavior doesn’t FEEL GOOD.

I don’t want you to ONLY Listen at Level 2 and then IGNORE your own inner FEELINGS.  NEVER!!!!

I want you to PRACTICE Listening at Level 2 WHILE you are continually, constantly, never-endingly in touch with your heart and your body, and the general way you’re feeling.

And I want you to PRACTICE Speaking the Truth of your heart, your body, your feelings.

The whole point of Circular Dating is for you to PRACTICE on a man – even if he talks so much you can’t “get a word in edgewise” and aren’t attracted to him.   A man always shows up with a Message – and often, that Message, and the Free Therapy of it – is for you to finally learn how to SPEAK about this – about what’s really going on.

Here’s a scenario and something you might try: Let’s say he’s talking a blue streak and isn’t making eye contact with you, and barely seems interested in you as a person at all. Let’s say that after listening for 15 minutes and feeling completely irrelevant to him and unheard – you SAY –

“I’m feeling weird here.”

Pause (give him a chance to care and ask you what that’s about…).

“I’m feeling unheard.”

Pause.

“I don’t feel important here, the listening feels like it’s all going one way here, and though I’m enjoying your stories and hearing about you, I’m starting to feel like a listening post and not a person.  What do you think?”

Pause.

I want you to write down your own words around a situation like this.  Write your own variations for each situation in which you feel “stuck” with a man you don’t “like.”

And remember – This is what he’s doing there with you!  This is WHY he showed up! To give you a particular Message, and a particular Lesson.

Almost always – the Message and the Lesson is centered around THIS: To  teach you, and to give you an opportunity to practice Telling the Truth – quickly, and kindly, and in Feeling Messages.

Go back over all the conversations you can think of where you sat in silence or “tolerated” something you wish you hadn’t – and redo them on paper this way.

See how that feels, and let me know.  This is a great topic, and we’ll do more with it.

Love, Rori

51 Comments

  1.  #1alias girl on March 29, 2009 at 3:11 pm

    FIRST POST! Hiya (karate kick!) 🙂

    i feel both excited and challenged by this telling the truth business. the challenge with the frogs is fear of making them feel bad with the truth. it’s different o be randomly bitchy and blow a guy off. or to just say nothing and blow himoff. but if i say the truth and he comes back with hostility or blaming Me for his behavior then it triggers my family stuff and that feels AWFUL and threatneing. and i feel scared and all my fight flight freeze responses kick in intensely. which i suppose is rori’s whole point with circular dating being free therapy.

    ah i feel the tenseness just remembering the responses i have gotten from telling my truth so far. hostility. then blaming. then oddly enough They Are Still Interested. whereas for me the interest has completely gotten caught under the rear tires as i’m backing away.

    speaking the truth with men i am interested in or drawing boundaires triggers fear of rejection or abandonment.

    i am really starting to enjoy this whole process though. seriously Targeting Mr Right program BREAKS IT DOWN. makes it make sense. makes you feel good about the whole thing and yourself.



  2.  #2Ann on March 29, 2009 at 3:37 pm

    This is a great topix, I look forward to reading all the comments. Right now my body is telling me I need to rest I don’t feel good.



  3.  #3Jane on March 29, 2009 at 4:05 pm

    I like this approach. I have a 1st date coming up with a guy I’ve chatted online with — not excited about him at all, kinda feel like I’m just duty dating as I try to get over another man who I’m smitten with but has withdrawn…(says he needs time). I’m following the Commitment Blueprint, dating other men, but don’t feel very comfortable about it.

    Anyway, this approach feels good. Now I’m going to stay open to his message and speak my truth. I’m curious to see what happens….

    About speaking the truth —
    It’s always easier to be authentic when the stakes aren’t so high, don’t you think?



  4.  #4ABC on March 29, 2009 at 4:13 pm

    Hi Rori,

    i feel a little confused. a guy i flirt with told me that i am a girl who knows what she wants, and that i am demanding, and hard core, and tough, i ask him if he meant “masculine” he said, no, more like “dominant.”

    my question is is there such thing as soft yet dominant? i don’t know if i am giving out too much masculine, or demanding or dominant energy that pushes men away??
    what should i do?



  5.  #5alias girl on March 29, 2009 at 4:37 pm

    ugh. trigger city. yae! ugh. yae! yippee i feel triggered.

    ex #1 texted just to give me a dose of his promise to disappoint me. i love this man. because i understand him. ugh. damn. i feel conflicted. i feel confused. he is still my #1. and after taken my easy out with him i just as easily seemed to have let him back in. what was i thinking. it didn’t even occur to me not to respond. i just felt so happy to hear from him though i wasn’t sure it was him at first bc his #’s not in my phone anymore. ugh. i feel a hurricane inside. and i also feel very sexually aroused. rrr.

    and then some guy did all the things i like online. i gave him my #. he called. and i was like huh?

    the guy had been one of the guys randomly texting me for the last three months. with hey baby. how r u. etc. and i had written him off bc i felt he was a psycho. so i say to myself ok call him back and let yourself be triggered. so more info. this guy called me twice today and emailed me once. i call him back. his voicemail leaves a completely different name. while i am leaving a message he calls me. i click over and i express my confusion over the whole thing and he says yeah i was wondering why you were already in my phone but whatever. then he brusquely tells me he needs to go study and can he call me later



  6.  #6alias girl on March 29, 2009 at 4:44 pm

    he was practically hanging up on me before i even answered. i told him i felt confused. i accidentally used a couple of blaming statements with the word YOU In them. then why did you call me two times if you need to study? i forget the other one but it was similar.

    he says i gotta study and practically hangs up on me.

    i call him back and say i changed my mind. i don’t want you to call me later.

    he asks why. i tell him bbecause the whole thing feels bad and off and why would i want a second dose of that.

    he says ok.

    i say ok. bye

    then he says wait why?

    i said because i feel confused and i feel rejected and i don’t do well with rejection.

    he says i am not rejecting you i really need to study and then hangs up the phone.

    ugh. ugh. ugh. ugh. ugh.

    trigger trigger. i feel hurt. i feel TRICKED (a big one for me). i feel confused. i feel icky talking to toxicity which is why i usually avoid it bc i can smell it a mile away. i knew from the beginning this guy was toxic which is why his name was jay psycho in my phone.

    i am willing to be triggered on purpose and practice the tools and work through my trauma so i can have my happy ever after.
    ugh. i feel very proud of myself. ugh ick ick ew. i feel like i needa shower. ew.



  7.  #7alias girl on March 29, 2009 at 4:53 pm

    oh the other blaming statement was Why did You pick up the phone? douche. if you need to study soooooooo badly that you can’t even be kind while saying goodbye bc you’re in such a rush, why waste those precious minutes in the first place by answering the phone?

    i left off all the stuff about being a douche etc.

    i attract the crazy bc my family was weird ugly crazy like this. seriously. my mother is batshit psychopath crazy who comes across perfectly normal when she wants to. except two minutes into whatever she’s saying you can poke holes in whatever logic she’s trying to throw at you. my boss is same way.

    but they believe wholeheartedly that what they are saying is legitimate and LOGICAL .

    i mean maybe i’m exactly like this and these people are my mirror?

    ?

    that doesn’t feel true but if i were like that i would believe what i am saying is perfeclty sane and logical.

    i feel crazy. that’s what i feel when i deal with people like this. and that feels like being a little kid trapped in crazytown with landmines everywhere.



  8.  #8alias girl on March 29, 2009 at 5:05 pm

    like daria’s minesweeper game. i just stepped on a mine.

    i feel depressed and like i just want to check out. i feel like i want to avoid feeling my feelings. i feel TIRED OF FEELING MY FEELINGS. rghrrrrrrrrghrrrrrrrrrrghrrrrrrrr. Punch. Kapow.



  9.  #9alias girl on March 29, 2009 at 5:07 pm

    ABC are you sure he wasn’t Excited that he feels you are dominant? maybe he is bringing it up bc he is hoping that is how you will be in the bedroom?

    it sounds like i am being sarcastic but i am completely serious.



  10.  #10Ann on March 29, 2009 at 5:32 pm

    I hope this is ok to put here. Ladies for a long time I’ve been looking for ways to interprete my dreams so when I have a bad one maybe I can make some sense out of it.

    I ran upon a site where the owner is doing a 9 week program showing how to analize dreams. One thing that really impressed me was how he talks about how dreams feel to the dreamer. Feelings in/about the dream are very important.

    Any way if you’d like to check it out you can here:

    http://jayfrawley.com/2009/02/16/inner-noodles-guide-to-dream-analysis-step-one/



  11.  #11ABC on March 29, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    AG,

    thank u for the comment.

    we are each other’s fling. we haven’t even crossed that “friendship” stage yet. i don’t think we are gonna get past that either.

    however, this is the “message” thing Rori’s been talking about. i feel that i am being myself around him and authentic around everybody now. it’s just that when he said that, it doesn’t seem like a compliment. i don’t want to give out any masculine energy. i want to be a girl.

    maybe Rori can explain to us more about whether being “dominant” is a good thing, or is there a way to be both soft and dominant, and inviting.



  12.  #12Linmayu on March 29, 2009 at 6:20 pm

    I love the word “douche.” That is why I like Corey’s blog.

    From his article on how to affair-proof your marriage:

    http://www.simplemarriage.net/man-up-14-ways-to-affair-proof-your-marriage.html

    “Another way cheating makes your life harder is having to deal with the consequences when you’re finally caught. Imagine having to face your children and tell them you haven’t been completely faithful to their mother. Imagine the look of hurt and sadness you’ll see in the eyes of the woman you told you would love forever. If that doesn’t make your stomach sink a bit, you’re a giant douchebag.”

    Indeed. I feel so happy to know that there is a man out there who will call other men douchebags when they are being douchebags.



  13.  #13Linmayu on March 29, 2009 at 6:21 pm

    Since, after all, we aren’t allowed to do it. “I feel that you are a giant douchebag” is against the rules…



  14.  #14alias girl on March 29, 2009 at 6:35 pm

    maybe:
    i feel unsettled when a man exhibits douche-like behavior.

    or:
    i don’t want to date a douchebag.

    or:
    i feel bad when someone shows up in my life and turns out to be a douchebag. what do you think?



  15.  #15Linda on March 29, 2009 at 7:40 pm

    Hi… been a while since I have been on here. I have been circular daiting. Like I should I guess. It is kinda tireing. Most men leave me flat. Nothing inspiring. I am listenting to my body. I am having a hard time using feeling messages though although I am aware of what I am feeling so that is good. I have met one guy out of 4 that I really like. In fact he could be one that I could see me hooking up with. Wow what a statement coming from me, I have really come a long way from my heartbreak of last year. Yeah for me! This blog site helped me so much!!

    The guy I really like seemed to like me more, was warm and very forward. Said he really like me, he was ready to settle down, asked me what I was doing for the rest of my life., even asked me to be his girlfriend! hmmmm Since then.. he has pulled back, when I responded to his invitations favorably. There is something really special that could develop between us. His work schedule is driven by retail right now so I have driven to meet him for lunch etc. at his request, sometimes my suggestion. When I do see him he seems to light up! the energy between us is good but he is holding back. Actions speak louder than words always…. I am not sure what to make of it or how to respond. I have been authentic with him and genuine. He said when he intially kissed me that he felt nothing, no sexual attraction, but in the same breath said he has made several bad choices when it comes to women in his life based on just that. He said there is so much more that he finds wonderful about me and is drawn to. I confessed that I was not stirred either but he is a great kisser so….I am confused. He spend the night on the sofa because we had drunk some wine and I did not want him to drive. There was mutal attraction and sparks flying then, when I said I thought you said you were not attracted to me? lol … he said he was attracted to the whole package and not just sexually….I guess that is good. I found it flattering in a way… We have spontaeously spent one whole day together taking a road trip…him showing me his childhood home area, sharing dreams with me etc. He texts… shares his thoughts…asks me how I am etc… he is vunerable with me when we talk , he is humble about his shortcommings, is open and honest, seems teachable and not stubborn, and shares my same faith and beliefs. We have had talks about what our older children accepting us etc. yet he is holding back himself emotionally….. It is like it is so close but yet so far…. I do not think we are exclusive would like to be but have not assumed that. I can see he has been on line on the site we met on within the last 24 hours. soooo…..

    I am keeping lots of things in the back of my mind that I have learned here but it seems I am second guessing myself at times and at others just operating in free mode. My confidence is up and it has taken a long time to get over the fellow I loved so much. Even this guy I like does in no way compare to how I felt… I have yet to find anyone that hits at the level he made me feel. So I keep searching.

    I have sent one guy who was so sweet and attentive on his way because he was suffocating me. I really learned alot about what not to do in a relationship from him. I just have to remember how I felt with him and know what not to do LOL….THat was His message to me!… I was not really into him but tried to connect and feel with him.. all I felt was ick. I did break it off with him face to face, honestly, and with intergrity. I will always tread others the way I want to be dealt with. I had a hand written letter from him in my mailbox the next day that made me cry because he was really a great guy and I wish I had felt something for him.
    So what do I do… lean back with the guy I really like, wait for him to heat up. To some extent I feel really phoney to me…..when I dont think I will hear from him and begin feeling anxious about it, I realize I need to work on myself and I pull back, so I am listening to my feelings and dial back… then it seems I hear from him and I think jeez Linda… relax… it is trial and error with me. Practice makes perfect right?

    I dont want to blow it and I dont want to be phoney, I dont want to lean too far back and I dont want to lean too forward. Sheesh, I just want to be me and flow. I have had this little indulgence with this new guy. I genuinely like him. He is admirable. I have said… hey, did I tell you I like you today? and he will say… um no you didnt and smile. He has never ever initiated it until just now… I just got a text and it said…. “came home tired today, had a good day, thank you for your prayers… oh an by the way, Did I tell you that I liked you today? WELL girls…. that is some progress I think…it made me feel pretty good. I am gonna hang in there and see what happens, not push or pull, just be me and see what happens. I think he might be a keeper !

    If you all have any suggestions, I am open to read and learn. You all have helped me so much in the past.

    Linda 🙂



  16.  #16alias girl on March 29, 2009 at 8:00 pm

    yae linda! yae linda is circular dating. if you can afford it i totally recommend the Targeting Mr Right program.

    i feel very happy you are back in the game linda. i know rori says not to drive to the guy. guys like to work or elsee they take things for granted.

    i feel very supportive of you in your new ventures. i know for me i am not going to focus on just one guy til i have a lifelong commitment and am in a relationship i want. until then i will continue to circular date. frogs and kings alike. 🙂

    yae linda thank you so much for sharing your experience.



  17.  #17Linda G on March 29, 2009 at 8:28 pm

    To start, I am the “other Linda”. No relationship here, just circular dating and a gut coming 6 hours next week to meet me. I feel so great, like I have presented with a geat degree of difficulty!
    Any way, I was on the phone with an awful guy last night and Rori’s heading is exactly my scenario! Ugh! He just kept going on and on about women he’s dated and how it never works out, what he’s willing to accept, blah blah blah. I told him early on in the conversation I felt uncomfortable talking about/hearing abut his dates. That I didn’t want to talk about that. He kept right on. Whenever he asked me something and I tried to anser by saying, I have so many things I enjoy doing, some weeks I have dates, some I don’t. I’m so busy into so much. He would take the conversation right back to him and his boring scenario. frankly, he sounded drunk, ya know, droning on and on over and over teh same crap. But i couldn’t get off the phone! 30 minutes into it I said, oh my gosh! my kids awake gotta run bye! I felt so rude so of course I had to say it was really nice speaking with you. I know its ridiculous and I’m ranting, but how to say no without being mean?

    PS Linda, I feel very excited for you! i agree with AG, Targeting Mr Right is great!

    oh, and Alias Girl, I noticed you got a mention on the program too! what was it like to go there, did you? or did you just write in?



  18.  #18alias girl on March 29, 2009 at 8:44 pm

    linda g i feel confused why you didn’t tell your truth to awful man using feeling messages?



  19.  #19alias girl on March 29, 2009 at 8:54 pm

    rori used some blurb from the blog. some blurb where i’m moaning about low quality men. heehee. that hasn’t chnaged yet. but it will. the quality of my army has no choice but to improve. where did i get a mention? i wanna see. it’s like being famous for half a second. only nobody knows it’s me. and well i’m just b*tching and moaning so really it’d be like being infamous for half a second since the light is unflattering.

    still. i wanna see. where?



  20.  #20Daria on March 29, 2009 at 9:14 pm

    ok I have targeting mr right too and will be using the blog space to record my dates among other things:

    so today I had a “drive to his house date.” Guy who came and took me out and bought me flowers crashed his car. So he invited me to come to his house and watch a movie. I had texted him about my feeling bored and lonely. So my boy energy has been trying to do for my girl energy. So I decided to go after lots of texting back and forth of me feeling kinda uncomfortable driving. Then when I’m almost there he asks me to get a soda at the store.

    Which made me FREAK OUT TRIGGGERED. I pulled over and texted about feeling angry, feeling embarassed, and feeling mad.

    After an hour of texting back and forth while sitting in my car and enjoying the sunshine I did wind up driving to his house. His mom was really sweet and I went into feeling message mode and actually accepted her hug. She felt like a really loving woman.

    Then I was still feeling jumpy and uncomfortable in his bedroom. He gave me a massage but I sat up on one side of the bed during the moive. I did not want to lean back and cuddle. to my joy I was really in touch with my feelings and said I don’t feel comfortabel and DIDN;T BEAT MYSELF UP! I kept asking my boy energy to find interesting fun things to think about how this situation is GOOD and thus not expect to be disappointed.

    I learned about what Rori said about dating and women feeling comfortable. I felt uncomfortable and nervous and shaky like a leaf. Which I expressed and it felt ok then..

    He asked me to “come here” and cuddle and I said I feel cool or I am cool and stayed where I was. I didn’t feel comfortable cuddling on this second date with him. He also asked me if I felt attracted to him and I said yes and realized I do. Not like mega you look like my ex but like I could tolerate your manly physical presence and maybe bond with you.

    I really liked how I am able to not beat myself up like… “he is thinking im stupid…” or… “what am I doing on his bed no wonder he probably thinks he can have sex with me” or “he must think I’m cold/uncaring/weird for not wanting to cuddle” although I heard these familiar voices I was able to stay loving myself and feeling goddess like. I touched myself and my face and painted myself with love.

    I did feel a little guilty about being into the movie and not all into him. I didn’t know if that was good or bad, I didn’t want to be ignoring him on our date. But I do think in a way it was good because I was enjoying myself. Also here I got hte “he thinks you’re stupid” voice because of the comments I was making in the movie because I liked the costumes… but I kept on realizing I don’t have to believe it and create a “story” instead just know I’m a goddess, love myself, and don’t expect disappointment.

    very cool.



  21.  #21alias girl on March 29, 2009 at 11:27 pm

    i feel happy to read other goddesses circular dating experiences. did you buy him a soda daria?

    i feel excited to see people’s progress and witness their experiences improving.



  22.  #22alias girl on March 29, 2009 at 11:30 pm

    i can see how being in my body feeling my feelings and sharing that with a man would be mesmerizing. i would be mesmerirized if i were a man. women are yummy. we are yummy creatures. yummy sensual creatures.

    it became clear after reading daria’s account of her date. just being next to him touching her face and painting herself with love.

    how is the guy not going to wan



  23.  #23alias girl on March 29, 2009 at 11:31 pm

    hows the guy not going to want to be near that?!!



  24.  #24alias girl on March 30, 2009 at 12:23 am

    i feel bad i referred to my mother as a psychopath. my mother’s not a psychopath. she’s just really messed up. or she was. i don’t know what she’s like now. my boss isn’t a pscyhopath either. i feel bad i exagerrated in my moment of being triggered.

    i feel weird too that i am acting out my obssessiveness by over psoting on this blog. i feel weird. and apologetic. sorry.



  25.  #25Daria on March 30, 2009 at 3:36 am

    I did not buy him a soda. He took back asking me for a soda. It took me and him an hour of me driving around, putting my feet up in the sun, and watching mall shoppers before I even came to a frame of mind to continue my visit to him. No soda.

    When we were alone first he wanted to give me a massage which I let him do although I still felt mad and I let him know I felt tense and I wanted to enjoy my massage although my mind kept playing out some angry thoughts but I did get to relax a little bit at least in my back… then I felt kinda scared that I was in his room and I didn’t want to have sex… so I said thank you for the massage and got up… then he talked for a really long time about our interaction and how it seemed small but he could see my side of it and how he didn’t think I would come and he just talked for a really long time… during which time I leaned back and looked him in the eye… and had a very thoughtful Goddess feeling…and didn’t say much… just nodding… he was sitting down on the bed so I was pretty much looking down into his eyes since I was standing up… I felt very powerful and I just feel so alluring and Goddess like around some men I could tell he was really impressed by me or I was just enormously enjoying my presence so I assumed he was noticing it too… then I said mhm… mmm… I have to go to the bathroom… can I use it?

    loool…

    I really was very sexy though… he thinks I’m quiet… lol…



  26.  #26Daria on March 30, 2009 at 3:50 am

    I just want to add how ENORMOUSLY I was helped by the “Don’t Expect to be Dissapointed” tool.

    I caught myself expecting to be disappointed:

    * while driving to him “I’m driving to him, this sux, this is gonna turn out bad, I’m leaning forward”

    * While expressing my anger and texting “I feel furious and embarassed and don’t want to see you right now” … thought: “he’s going to give up trying to convince me to come and then I’ll feel even worse, I’ll feel rejected, this sux, I’m already by his house, this is humiliating, I’m parked in a parking lot feeling upset in the middle of the day”

    * While at his house and him touching my thigh with his feet and I said you’re feet are on me and he said so what you don’t want my feet on you they are clean (but I’m like well not htat clean) I say “yes… but they’re still feet” and moved away a little…. thought “oh no he’s gonna think im a bitch and rejecting him and not attracted to him, and now he’s gonna hate me and start being rude to him oh crap”

    * While watching the movie and him asking me to come lean back with him and me feeling comfortable where I was at on a corner of the bed but not comfortable cuddling with him … so I said I’m cool here both times… thought “oh Im so MANLY? ( for real??? I’m just now realizing I thought that!!) I don’t want to cuddle, he must think I’m a very non girly person, I’m so stiff around him, he must think I’m not feminine or attractive and just all crisp and stiff and paranoid and weird”

    Sooooo… each of those times I asked my boy energy to use this “creativity” which is what the hypnotherapist said it is when I imagine bad scenarios, to imagine GOOD scenarios…

    now I can’t say that I actually came up with well thought out, totally untriggering happy scenarios, but just asking my boy energy and having that intention was enough to allow me to focus back into my body and paint myself with love… so my boy energy I used to switch from noticing the disappointing thought, to coming up with it’s flip of the coin that could be good… what if>? he’s really actually intrigued by me… what if? it was ok for me to relax and enjoy the movie from over here away from him? What if? it’s sexier for me to not let him put his feet on me… what if? it’s ok for me to make a big fuss about soda and pull over off the freeway for one hour… what if? it’s ok for me to drive to his house this time… what if? it’s ok for me to feel good in my body and do my dance stretches and be quiet and notice the costumes in the movie and say wow about them a lot…

    anyway it really turned out great for me…

    I’m very happy with this Un- Dissapointment tool



  27.  #27Daria on March 30, 2009 at 4:08 am

    OH… AND… I just had another “date” tonite. He’s actually just a male friend because he’s dating a girl that is kinda my friend. So I wouldn’t get with him because of her. But he’s interested because he flirts with me online all the time, and I don’t feel attracted to him sexually, so I felt kinda relieved to find out they’re dating.

    Anyway instead of feeling bored… I used my un-disappointment tool to have a pretty good time. When it was time to go home he was like whatsup are you going home, but I didnt’ want to go home with my parents still up so I was going to be out another hour… so I didnt’ say yes, because I was going to just have to get in my car or else sit in it by myself… so by me not saying its ok to drop me off we wound up listening to music in his car by my house and talking and feeling cool… I felt really glad for the company and that I was getting what I wanted which was to not be alone at that time and also get to feel good and relaxed…

    remember I started today by texting a man in reply : “I feel bored/lonely it’s an everyday thing I feel powerless to change it…”

    and THAT (my being direct and honest in feeling messages about this to a man – and very brave) has sparked off this flurry of man activity that has me feeling good and is filling my lonely bored feeling… so I feel really grateful… actually it’s not so much the man activity as my own boy energy now has directed into pleasing me so I am accepting a lot more fun and innovative intersting ways of connecting that would have missed my feel good radar before

    I feel so glad about targeting Mr. Right that says that I can use my boy energy to take me places and do things that will please my girl energy to feel and experience… and the more I direct into this the more masculine man I’ll attract… I’m feeling really stoked (yeah stoked man) about this and I am super directing my boy energy to take my girl there even if it’s stuf that might make me feel uncomfortable like driving to a guy that crashed his car (leaning forward, yet my boy energy wanted to take my girl there knowning she felt lonely and bored and would enjoy being with another person). I can actually talk and think like my boy and imagine pleasing my girl. Thta feels weird when I read that last sentence lol. Oh WELL. So what. I’m talking to myself. HA. I am sane still. I love myself and i love tlaking TO Myself. YEAH. so I really liek this new way of making sure I’m receiving my pleasure. Pretend I’m a boy and find ways to please me (the girl). I can even hear them talking to each other… or mostly the boy talking to the girl… hey we’re gonna do this,.. and you’re really gonna like it… watch.. I have the best thing coming up for you… and she says… ohhh I really like this… I feel so good here… Mmmm I feel VERY ANGRY… this doesn’t feel good… ohhh that feels nice…

    WEIRD? or cOOL? or both? I feel a litttle embarassed and I want that to be ok… I don’t have to expect to be judged… that would be expecting disappointment… instead I can imagine that eeryone will think this is super cool and maybe even use it themselves to come up with awesome scenarios and shift their vibe… and also I will use it and its actually THE GOOD THING to do to have voices that sound different and talk to each other and one is a boy and one is a girl (like my ex always said I do since I’m a gemini) cool and YES that is good and feminine to have a boy voice because the stronger the boy voice if it’s dedicated to serving my girl I get a more masculine man… Yay… and I LOVE masculine men… maybe that means actually that I’m deep down very feminine… and that I’ve been hiding it because of my extreme sensitivity… wow that feels amazing and weird in my face and teary and right and I feel like I’m havina breakthrough and sorta crying …. ohh I FEL MOVED… like tottally loool… I said totally…

    that felt nice…it felt really nice to feel that… to hear that about myself and really feel that … I don’t have to worry about being boyish… it’s actually because I’m so sensitive and girlish that I am boyish… wow… that is awesome… I do deserve a masculine mana… wow… this is great you guys… I had a super revelation… wow… man this feels really calm and good and tingly… WOW… wow… woow…



  28.  #28Daria on March 30, 2009 at 4:14 am

    I’m actually a feminine woman!!! I’m a feminine woman and I deserve a masculine man… @!!!

    My boyish self is there to protect me because I’m really a very very feminine woman!! yes

    I feel so totally at peace with this. This is TRUE FOR ME… how freeing… I don’t have to beat myself for being masculine… I am so not masculine… I am so a goddess any man would want to be with… I’m a freaking feminine sensitive I get mad at being asked to get soda and sad at hearing bad guys get killed and feel good at being told I’m pretty and feel excited over a movie woman… yeahh… I feel like I freakin released some weird get high spiritual hormone right now because I feel a little light out my body right now… what is this it feels weird… I feel a little dizzy… It feels cool… I must be realeasing mega energy… wow… wOooowwww … I feel so glad to be a feminine woman… thank you GOD… I actually feel like its OK for God to be a woman… thank you GOD you can be a woman if YOU want to too… yay… we can all be women… I am one I am one… yay!!!

    weeeeeeeeee

    happy woman



  29.  #29Daria on March 30, 2009 at 4:39 am

    I am trying to play out this masculine energy directed toward pleasing and standing up for my girl energy in the situation that really triggered me when that one woman attacked me (with her words sorta by asking me to move rudely and seeming like she was going to want to fight).

    I realize that my frozen quietness is my girl energy feeling scared and angry. And my boy energy says hey… I feel upset… I don’t like being talked to like that… I feel really mad! And I don’t want to fight you… I feel like you’re bigger than me and I feel scared to lose or hurt my arm that’s healing… and I don’t want to hurt you really…. I want to wait here for my mom and I don’t want to move my car… although I can move it back if it’s something important for you (weird I feel all like caring about the woman’s desires now too).

    That felt really weird to write… I feel tense in my midback… My muscles are kinda jumpspasming… very cool… even a hint of that feeling of that speech is what I want… cool.. I feel weird tears and nose pinching in the front of it… so weird nose pinching I love nose pinching and side rib mid back pinching… lol… I feel happy and want to go to sleep



  30.  #30Linda G on March 30, 2009 at 6:20 am

    Alias Girl:
    to answer your question;
    linda g i feel confused why you didn’t tell your truth to awful man using feeling messages?

    I don’t know. I tried to tell him ,I didn’t feel it was relevant speaking about that stuff. But I felt bad, he sounded so pitiful, I didn’t want to add to his stuff by saying, I don’t like you either. I tried to hang in there, looking for a message, but realized the message is, I have to be able to express my feeling uncomfortable and not wanting to continue speaking with someone without feeling guilty about it. And then just say good bye.Or, is there anything else you wuld like to tell em about yourself.I dunno.
    I went out a couple of times with another guy who was so nice, so attentive. I was able to lean back and do my tools, etc. But he kept doing the future talk thing which yucked me out. I told him I felt really uncomfortable speaking abiout the future when we’ve only just met. But i couldn’t bring myself to go out with him again, it was such a huge turn-off. It made me feel on the spot, knowing I was practising with him, and he sounded so serious, though I wonder if it’s just his M.O.
    I need to be able to express my feelings without feeling like I have to curt and run after I do. I keep cutting off these guys too quickly and I am getting stuck here all the time.

    PS We all say stuff about our moms and family. they drive us nuts, it’s their job, at least that’s what I tell my kids. Don’t apologize for going off in this blog. That’s it’s purpose and you are not being judged. Your feeling badly about itthough, shows you are a good and kind girl with love and compassion in your heart.
    Don’t even get me started on my folks, and I live with them and my two kids! It’s a trigger fest here day and night!



  31.  #31Linda G on March 30, 2009 at 6:30 am

    Daria; I love all this boy/girl energy exchange. Your enthusiasm and epiphany feels contagious and is really making me see how this can work! Thanks.
    When you mention someone asking you to move your car, I felt my body stiffen along with yours. It feels so wierd, but I feel that way evry time slome people encroach my turf or snesibilities. I even directed my boy energy while teaching a 6th grade class teh other day. I know teaching is a forward leaning boy thing, but I usually try to be more leaning back with teh kids when it comes to listening to their feelings and stuff. But a girl made fun of a kid with special needs and I just couldn’t sit back. My fur stood up straight and I pulled her aside. I felt gulity for making her feel bad, though i did it with feeling messages. Turns out, she was suspended the next day, So my gut was right about her. Sorry, I know this is not a dating thing, but a way in which Rori’s tools are creeping into all areas of my life and helping work through stuff.



  32.  #32Linmayu on March 30, 2009 at 7:15 am

    Daria, I loved your post about being a feminine woman. You probably did release a spiritual get high hormone…I love it when that happens. I felt so light and inspired by reading your post, like all this beautiful pink happy energy just started spiraling upwards from me. I’m a feminine woman too. Thanks for making my day.



  33.  #33jat on March 30, 2009 at 9:03 am

    “He must think I’m too sensitive and a bitch. He must not like me. He must not feel close to me.”

    This is very interesting. Spoken one way it sounds needy:

    He must not LIKE me.

    Spoken another way it sounds like a command:

    He MUST not like me.

    We had plans for me to meet his mother and sister today for lunch. I had not heard from him in two days after having sex, so I had a feeling the plans were going to fall through somehow, plus I had decided that I wasn’t going to go anyway, just not comfortable with it since he hadn’t called.

    I get a txt from him this morning:

    “My sister called and she is sick and cancelled today, we are taking my mom to dinner later this week, how are you?”

    I have not yet replied to it. I don’t know whether to believe him or not, I know that he lied to another friend one time when he didn’t want to go do something with that friend.

    Not sure if I will respond, but I feel hurt. I’m thinking to respond this way:

    “Yea I had a feeling things weren’t going to work out. Just as well because I didn’t want to go anyway.”

    Or maybe I’ll just say the second sentence all by itself.

    But it’s not really true. The truth is that I was looking forward to meeting his mom and sister. I thought it meant something, that he liked me enough to meet them.

    So I don’t know whether or not to believe him. I know I have the “Disappoint me,” thing going.

    I feel like crying. I really liked this guy.

    So I’ll just say it: Disappoint me George. Go ahead and disappoint me.

    But I don’t want to be disappointed.

    I want you to love me. I want you to like me, to need me.

    But I know you will disappoint me. I just know it. That’s what men do. They can’t help it.

    But there must be some men who don’t disappoint.

    Yea but I don’t know any or know where those ones are.

    If you disappoint me then that means you are a man. Real men disappoint. If a man doesn’t disappoint then he isn’t a man.

    Gotta go now. I’d like to write more later.



  34.  #34Linda G on March 30, 2009 at 9:26 am

    jat; I have had this happen to me as well. it feels awful, I know. I would just say “I feel so disappointed we cannot have lunch today. I hope your sister feels better” and leave it at that. No judgements, no blaming, dignity intact. if the story is true, he will call again with a rescheduled lunch. when he calls again for this or another reason, decide if you feel like going, based on waht works for you. try to get something els eo do for that time slot. This feels like what Rori calls not laser focusing in on a guy, treat them all equally. pretend he’s not “the one”



  35.  #35jat on March 30, 2009 at 9:32 am

    Wise words Linda. I will use them – they feel good. Thanks so much!



  36.  #36jat on March 30, 2009 at 11:39 am

    So after an hour I sent him a text that said what you suggested, Linda.

    He writes back very quickly:

    “It’s okay because I need to go to the office and work on some things today, my sister is always sick, she will be fine.”

    I make no reply to this.

    About an hour and a half later he writes again:

    “Good, just got done running. would you like to get together tonight?”

    To which I reply:

    “Yea that sounds nice.”

    My downfall is that as soon as I think I feel a connection with him, I go downhill fast when he doesn’t do what I think he should do.

    Connection = relationship in my mind.



  37.  #37Priscilla on March 30, 2009 at 11:44 am

    I have often tried unsuccessfully in the past to speak the truth to my family and friends, but either they don’t hear me or they don’t care. The worst reaction I get is anger. They seem to blow up and get really angry if I tell them how I feel. I remember telling one guy I was dating, several years ago, I would like for him to take me out for my birthday. It didn’t have to be anything extravagant, I just wanted him to show he cared. He got angry that I asked him to take me out! We were dating; what was he supposed to do when his girlfriend’s birthday came around?

    It seems I’ve gotten that reaction a lot. They ignore my “truth statements” like I’m not important or they get angry that I express how I feel. Those reactions caused me to “stuff” down my feelings because the response was so negative. Guys seemed to do nothing or just let the whole relationship go. I thought I was being too demanding at first, but now I’ve decided I have a right to speak how I feel using those feeling messages and who cares if someone’s angry? I still struggle with stuffing things but I am getting better at speaking the truth and damn the consequences. I still need to practice until it just flows like water and I don’t feel inhibited.



  38.  #38Linda G on March 30, 2009 at 11:44 am

    You did great! Just do your best to lean back and not panic and speak in feeling messages whenever possible. I feel the same panic when I meet someone I am attracted to. The trick, I am learning, is to always have a plan B, as in another activity, or better yet, another guy.
    Don’t worry, he will call/text you back with an invitation. you just answer in a feeling message. let him tell you the time, or if he asks you, you say, 7 feels like a good time to go out. what do you think?



  39.  #39jat on March 30, 2009 at 11:49 am

    Linda thanks so much for this encouragement! It really means a lot to me. I don’t feel so alone! 🙂



  40.  #40Linda G on March 30, 2009 at 11:53 am

    Isn’t this blog great?! I always come here when I am freaking out about a guy or just want to hear another voice when I’m stuck. We all pay it forward, so to speak.



  41.  #41jat on March 30, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    Linda I’m so mad and sad I’m crying!!!

    When he said, “Good, just got back from a run…” I thought, “Why is he saying ‘good’? It sounds like he’s replying to something I said. But I didn’t say anything. Did he accidently text me when he meant to text somebody else?”

    But I just went with it, and said, “Yea that sounds nice.”

    So I just got a text from him saying:

    “Sorry can’t meet tonight, working with clients.”

    I AM SO ANGRY AND SAD I CANNOT SEE STRAIGHT!!! And I’m crying.

    I want to write him back or call him and say, “I don’t believe you. I feel blown off. You said we had a special connection that was very rare but I don’t believe you meant it at all.”

    What should I do? 🙁



  42.  #42jat on March 30, 2009 at 1:05 pm

    Ok I’m just going to vent here.

    “I don’t believe you. If you are going on a date with someone else I’d prefer you were honest with me about it. I feel lied to and blown off and angry about it. You said we had a special connection, and that it was very rare, but I do not believe meant it. I feel exposed and scared.”

    Not saying I’ll say this, just looking for some objective feedback since I’m totally in the throws of all this emotion.



  43.  #43alias girl on March 30, 2009 at 1:47 pm

    YES!!!! mmmmm. yes! reading this blog today feels super good. i love it. ooh i feel good. thank you daria. i know you see yourself as genius and i never felt convinced that was accurate but after reading your last posts i feel curious and like maybe she is. hee hee. i said all that with good intention. i feel worried it may be misinterpreted.

    i feel super excited about circular dating and all the fun experiences that lie ahead. yae! yae i feel excited to get triggered!!

    i feel good about askingmy boy energy to do stuff for my girl.

    i just feel really excited after reading your comments daria. thank you so much for sharing!!!



  44.  #44Linda G on March 30, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    jat; Rori rule #4: learn to take no for an answer. let it go. don’t say a thing. he can wonder why you don’t care or not. doesn’t matter. venting to him will make you sound weak and desparate and turn him off completely. he will call again. find something/someone else to talk to, do stuff with.



  45.  #45alias girl on March 30, 2009 at 1:59 pm

    thank you linda g for your support and acceptance regarding my exaggerating about my mom and boss. i feel accepted. i feel good about that.

    and yes rori discusses in Targeting Mr Right about our guilt and anger and stuff that comes regarding telling our truth to men. i feel confident it will get easier for me and my uncomfortable ness will lessen. but yaae! free therapy!

    jat i feel your pain and confusion. i feel sad you are experiencing this. LEAN BACK. you can say i feel weird. or i feel unsure. or i feel bad. blaming won’t help AT ALL. AlLso circular dating helps put things in a better perspective if you are able to imagine trying to focus on that. good luck. we’re here supporting you. or rather i am and i imagine others are but i don’t want to speak for others like i just did.



  46.  #46jat on March 30, 2009 at 2:21 pm

    I have not contacted him, nor will I initiate contact.

    Thank you again Linda. And thanks too alias girl…. it feels good to read both of your words, feels comforting.



  47.  #47alias girl on March 30, 2009 at 2:24 pm

    priscilla. rori suggests

    i feel statements

    i don’t want statements

    the ebook is a great foundation for this.

    i feel happy uo shared your experience.
    xoxo



  48.  #48Ann on March 30, 2009 at 5:45 pm

    Daria, thanks soooo much for sharing about your boy/girl energy. I felt so excited reading your post earlier from my phone. I just re-read it, and it’s like a aha moment.

    I have been trying to tone my masculine self down because I want to show and connect more with my feminine self.

    I sometimes talk to my inner child and remind her I as a adult now will protect her. I can now listen to my boy and let him find feel good things to do.

    As a matter of fact he just did this Saturday. I wanted to go to the store and ride around some. I could tell my hubby didn’t want to go and was giving off that vibe.

    But something inside me said go anyway let him deal with his mood. We went to Wal-mart they didn’t have one thing I wanted. Hubby mopping around behind me, I stopped to talk to a guy we know. Then my boy self said see if they still have some Twilight DVD’s. They did he(boy self) said buy it will watch it later. It’s a good movie.

    When we left there hubby said where to now? I said let’s take granddaughter to see her mom at work. I could tell hubby was still in his mood but I was looking around as we rode.

    After we left her work place hubby said what do you want to do now? I ask my granddaughter did she want a sundae? She said yes. So told hubby I wanted to go to Sonic they had jr. candy sundae’s you could get for 1 buck and asked did he want one? He said no I said ok and started talking to my granddaughter about which kind do we want to get. Well when we got there he decide he want a cone and I could feel his whole vibe change.

    He started enjoying hisself. We ate our treats, play some scratch off tickets and rode around some more. A good time was had by all.

    My boy self pushed me to go my girl self was about to say to hell with it let him stay in the bedroom pout and watch tv.

    So Daria I wanted to thank you so much for telling your story it helps me feel better about my masculine self. I’ll just have to learn to listen when my boy self is trying to help me feel good.

    All you ladies are fabulous I appreciate the way we share and encourage each other here so much.



  49.  #49Daria on March 31, 2009 at 12:50 am

    Thanks Ann… I could really feel like I was in your story… that’s really cool how you were able to keep looking out for yourself even with him grumpy…

    I can imagine that happening to me in a relationship and I would not want to feel desperate or completely destroyed by his bad mood (would I?). I haven’t had too much practice in a real day to day relationship.



  50.  #50Rori Raye on March 31, 2009 at 12:49 pm

    Linda – thank you for your comment. I was thinking about this the other day – how to handle injustice in the world. As a teacher – so much comes up for you…and for all of us, so much of this work is about increasing our sensitivity, intuition, vulnerability – and so we’re going to feel this all very, very strongly.

    I’ll be writing about this…how to feel peaceful in the midst of emotional and actual chaos, how to be most effective at healing the world by healing ourselves, first – and then moving out into the world in the most powerful way to be of help in creating peace for the planet.

    And – of course, since romantic love is what we’re primarily focused on here – how all this can expand your love life and your relationships. Love, Rori



  51.  #51Robin on May 20, 2009 at 10:36 am

    Im trying to keep my email and phone conversations short,and while the emails are short, there seem to be 5-10 emails back and forth over the course of several days, until either they explode because Im not ‘available’ enough, they just kinda drift off, or we agree to meet..

    Granted Im not online all the time & I don’t have inet at home, so its sometimes difficult to get online…maybe Im subconsciously doing this to myself???

    Im sick of all these 5-10 emails back and forth without the guy just asking for my number, at what point can I say ‘I feel sick of this, here’s my number…’?

    And then theres the texting w.o a phone call, I don’t really know what to say to the, or even to the emails, b/c they are still initiating, but it makes me feel annoyed. Am I expecting too much or what???

    Im meeting one guy tonight, and I feel annoyed b/c he didn’t tell me where we were going, and then I get an email “I will call you this afternoon about tonight. u r free rite?” He emails me again, ‘reply to my last message. I’ll be waiting’

    After I told him it felt weird that our plans had not yet been firmed up, he went ahead and made the plans, but never called, it was all email-

    I put backup plans in my calendar, but at what point can we say, “oh I feel disappointed, when I didn’t hear from you, I made other plans…”

    I feel pissed…