Monica Lewinsky Challenges Us To Change The World For Everyone

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If you’ve ever felt what Monica’s felt… Regardless of the mistakes she’s made or you’ve made… Ask yourself: who’s doing the bullying of you? Is it someone else, or is it you?

If you’re a teenager being mocked and snickered at by your peers all around you, if you’re being bullied and harrassed and embarrassed on Facebook, if you’re a public figure seeing nothing but hate coming off of web pages, newspapers and TV – the intensity, horror and fear of it is nearly unimaginable to the rest of us who merely endure the constant feelings of shame and self-blame every time we see rolled eyes around us when we “goof.”

And yet, it can feel just as bad for us in the moment.

And some of us string out those moments so that it’s a never-ending stream of self-bullying.

Not only do we bully ourselves, we find other people to bully us, too. We keep that going.

On the Enneagram personality typing system, “Shame” is an actual “quality” of feeling and reaction for Enneagram type 3.

Most of us do it all the time – shame ourselves.

And then we bully ourselves by screaming at ourselves nearly non-stop.

For me the pain comes from inside.

It’s the messages I get from my head, not the messages I get from other people that sting the most.

They’re the ones I live with. And they “help” me imagine that those messages are actually coming from others all around me.

It can set up a non-stop system of icky feelings in my entire body… with guilt, disturbance, upset just hovering at a low level, like the flu before it breaks into a fever…that colors everything I see and hear.

And I can just feel myself close up and shut down around it.

The moment I sense this is happening inside me, I reverse the process by sinking into the feelings, icky as they are, and falling in love with them – just as they are.

For me, in fact there really is no one else out there.

If I can sink into the sense that how the words, actions, energy of another person affects me is really the result of what I’m thinking about what I hear them saying, see them doing and imagine they’re thinking… And how it directly corresponds with what I’m already thinking about myself…I can fall into a much better-feeling place.

It’s really easy for me to say “just love yourself.”

And, for me, the loving of myself and everything going on inside and outside me is an activity I consciously “entertain” every minute of every day…

It’s not an overwhelming feeling of love for myself that just shows up automatically one day, fully formed.

Try seeing self-love as an activity, a practice you can do right along with the feelings and experiences that don’t feel quite so good.

When I fall for the icky feelings – that’s when I feel most in love with myself.

And then all the bullying in the world can’t shake me.

I so feel for anyone suffering through what Monica describes here, and to the so many lovely souls who are every day feeling their selves as lost under hate in the world, there are also many of us out here who offer only love.

Love, Rori

 

 

 

522 Comments

  1.  #1Mercedes on July 23, 2015 at 1:48 pm

    🙂 It’s been so long since I’ve been here but I think of this blog often. Life has taken such a busy, emotional turn for me and I rarely have time to blog or read blogs or spend much time on the internet outside of work, but today…I felt a calling to stop in and say “Hi” to all of you. Hope you are well, blessed and joyful!



  2.  #2Mandy on July 23, 2015 at 3:11 pm

    WOW.

    Just WOW.

    She is SO brave. She looks great, she speaks clearly…

    Yet she was bullied for two decades…for falling in love and having intimacy with one person, not even having sex.

    She was shamed so horribly, and look at her, she shines.

    So strong. I can find endless amounts of inspiration in this. Thank you Rori for posting, it is a genius post, truly.

    Pink did a song called Perfect, and it spoke to me. I was bullied throughout school for being different. I had no one to sit with at lunch because the whole class backed away from me when I sat down at our classes’ lunch table. The lunch lady told me to smile and I felt like an idiot trying to smile when I was so horribly sad and neglected by everyone in my class.
    People love to beat up other people who are different.

    I happened to be one of the lucky ones, strong, and never had any thoughts about hurting myself, just became so depressed I wouldn’t get out of bed, leave my room or wash myself, which in and of itself is miserable enough but at least I wouldn’t hurt myself. Not everyone can say that. Some people you can’t even see it…but they harbor much pain, and are so strong to still be here, it is incredible.

    I am also an Air Force brat, and I was always told to fall in line, lose weight, do better. If I got a B, the question was, where’s the A. And that’s how I treat myself and I don’t even realize it. I have ONLY RECENTLY learned I deserve everything I want and need, that I deserve to be a little more selfish than I have been, and that I can preserve my own happiness by REJECTING this LIE that is the “Where’s the A’ question. I have been through therapy for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and the therapy used is what I use to BOSS THESE THOUGHTS/VOICES BACK…Tell them that they are lies, and I just won’t have it. That’s what I have found works for me.

    My biggest step towards becoming the person I wanted to be, was probably becoming single after my last relationship and finding this blog, honestly.

    Not everyone has the time to go to therapy every week, not everyone has the capacity or ability to just spout when they need to…this blog creates a safe place to do so. This blog is an online compassionate circle, so what Monica is pushing, is this type of thing, right here.

    SO very important! This post means so much to me, and I won’t be forgetting it anytime soon. Monica is right, it may not be painless, but you can have compassion for yourself. All of us deserve it.



  3.  #3Femininewoman on July 23, 2015 at 3:14 pm

    Hey MERCEDES!!!! 🙂



  4.  #4Azure Blu on July 23, 2015 at 4:22 pm

    ((((Mandy)))
    Ahhh Siren, lovely, lovely Siren…
    your words are so sweet, soft and strong!!!
    Thank you for being here!
    oxoxoxo



  5.  #5Mandy on July 23, 2015 at 6:33 pm

    Azure…thank you, it feels so good to hear that from you, you shine on this blog 🙂



  6.  #6Millie on July 23, 2015 at 8:06 pm

    Wow! I got teary eyed hearing her story, I can’t imagine the intense pain she went through, but I feel so happy and inspired hearing her voice now!



  7.  #7Indigo on July 24, 2015 at 3:57 am

    I must say, exactly what Monica is talking about here is why I hate gossip, both online and out in the real world, so much. Most of the time people don’t even know the person they’re gossiping about, don’t even know the facts… they have a sliver of second or third hand information that they are spinning into a whole story and judgment about a person. And they use this to feel good about themselves. But what right do they have really, when ALL of us have messed up, ALL of us have made mistakes or had things we’ve done taken out of context, and we would want compassion for ourselves in those circumstances.

    The relentless taunting of Justin Bieber online really got to me as well… I found myself needing to make a Facebook post saying that there are plenty of true monsters out in the world, but taunting someone because of how they choose to express themselves is just so mean-spirited. I really can’t tolerate unnecessary nastiness or unkindness.



  8.  #8Azure Blu on July 24, 2015 at 7:13 am

    Happy Friday Sirens,
    Welllll…. I am still dating Spirit… (and 3 other men)
    After we had our anniversary dinner… and we shared our feelings about – before and after we broke up 2.5 months ago…
    I decided I was going to practice the things I felt
    I need to change when interacting with someone whom I love… (which is MUCH easier when I’m cding)
    Sooo i shared with him that he is the love of my life
    He didn’t know ….because I didn’t realized that…
    and It is VERY scary to share that!!!

    now that I’ve been Cding again, I can see even more clearly…He has sooo many qualities that I do want from a man..
    He’s positive, gentle, laughs easily, LIKES people,
    Close to his family… smart, HANDSOME, and has a passion for something that he pursues on a regular basis!!
    BUT is NOT attentive enough and is Extremely self centered (my old comfort zone)

    Sooo…. Just like Linda when she returned to P for a second look… I am taking a closer look
    at what drew me to Spirit…
    We have both said… regarding our core beliefs…we are VERY different people…
    But we LOVE our playfulness which is hard to find in others!!
    And we Are BOTH working on being more honest and authentic!!

    I wanted to share this on Siren Island… It all sounds rediculous…
    me sharing that he is the love of my life…and that I struggled with being close to him because *I* was frightened of getting my heart broken and ALL that comes with that!
    Me sharing my heart of hearts with him
    has spiraled into him being VERY attentive…
    These words “You are the love of my life” broke down my walls to the VERY bottom…which brings him closer….AHHHHH!!@ ???
    But I could do this because I am cding several men…
    getting AMAZING amount of attention from all of them every day!!! and my self confidence is soaring!!

    I AM getting so much better at sharing MY feelings and heart… it is PRACTICE… so I will be better prepared to be my Siren best when Mr. Right appears!!!

    I have kept Spirit and me dating a secret from my friends and family as they love me and
    know I am playing with fire –
    We had a date on wed. and we have a date tonight…

    All my other cds have been busy most of the week
    I had a date with K (second date) on Tue.
    a picnic — so fun!! He is really nice… already knows I’m the one for him… lots of hugs, kisses and adoring words… YUMMIE!!!



  9.  #9Indigo on July 24, 2015 at 8:14 am

    Azure Blu,

    I will say simply I feel very concerned for you dating Spirit. However, I support your journey as all you sirens supported mine, and I know you need to do what you need to do for you.



  10.  #10Femininewoman on July 24, 2015 at 8:34 am

    Azure Blu – know I am playing with fire

    This what jumped at me from your post and feel curious about whether you’d want to elaborate a bit?



  11.  #11Azure Blu on July 24, 2015 at 8:57 am

    Indigo… thank you for your warm thoughts
    and understanding my journey….
    oxoxo



  12.  #12Azure Blu on July 24, 2015 at 9:02 am

    FeminineW…
    I am saying “playing with fire” because i can feel my heart still loving him…
    still feeling addicted to the push pull – easy for ME to be emotionally entangled-
    when Spirit isn’t available!!!

    and of course… I Don’t want to hurt him either!!

    AND I DONT want to sabotage
    a chance with a real Mr. Right!
    Does this make sense?



  13.  #13Mercedes on July 24, 2015 at 9:29 am

    🙂 FW – I hope you are well! I think of you sooo often!



  14.  #14Femininewoman on July 24, 2015 at 10:33 am

    So very good to see you Ms. M. Miss you bunches



  15.  #15Femininewoman on July 24, 2015 at 10:34 am

    Azure I can’t help but wonder why would you want to walk into fire?



  16.  #16Azure Blu on July 24, 2015 at 12:20 pm

    FeminineW…
    good question…



  17.  #17Elsie on July 24, 2015 at 1:49 pm

    Mercedes!!! How ironic! Something must be in the air today because I think of this place often and decided to visit again today to see what all the sirens are up to! 🙂



  18.  #18Senior Lady Vibe on July 24, 2015 at 2:00 pm

    @1: Mercedes

    Hello, Mercedes. 🙂

    SLV
    xoxo



  19.  #19Senior Lady Vibe on July 24, 2015 at 3:23 pm

    Monica tossed her own reputation and dignity with her bad behavior.

    She wasn’t rebuked for “falling in love”, she was admonished for sex acts with a married man who also happened to be President of the United States.

    Lumping herself in with innocent victims of bullying is intellectually dishonest and downright sleazy.

    Well, she still is what she was. I was expecting more when I clicked to watch the video.



  20.  #20Sassy on July 24, 2015 at 7:11 pm

    Azure,

    I believe quite a few of us have been in your shoes.

    Just be careful and protect that heart of yours.

    I feel as if I’m on a roller coaster/merry go round all at the same time with my man. It feels as if the last 5 years never happened and that we only began seeing each other in February.

    I am enjoying the ride but it’s definitely bumpy!

    Good luck Azure



  21.  #21Sassy on July 24, 2015 at 7:12 pm

    Mercedes and Elsie!!!! Hi ladies!

    I’ve missed you both. Catch us up….



  22.  #22Zia on July 24, 2015 at 7:52 pm

    Hi Mercedes! Hi Elsie! Hope you’re both well 🙂

    I had a bit of a scare with my pregnancy and had to go to hospital during the week. They’ve done scans and taken blood tests but it’s basically just a “wait and see” situation now. Not sure which way it will go, but I just have to trust my body to do what it needs to do. I hate being unsure though. I feel quite helpless.



  23.  #23Zia on July 24, 2015 at 7:54 pm

    In other happier news, my fiance and I are talking about bringing the wedding forward and doing it sooner rather than later. Not sure how that will pan out (whether we just go to a registry office or what) but I just want to be married to him. All my thoughts about having some big fancy wedding which used to matter don’t matter any more. This has surprised me to be honest! Funny how we change what we want when we’re actually in a situation 🙂



  24.  #24Azure Blu on July 24, 2015 at 8:38 pm

    {{{{Zia}}}}
    Excited about the wedding getting closer!!!
    Take good care of you and the baby!!
    oxoxo



  25.  #25Azure Blu on July 24, 2015 at 8:42 pm

    Sassy #20
    thank you for your supporting words…
    Yes, had a date tonight with Spirit!!
    Nice… he just hung out went on a road trip down the back roads on a Magical summers evening to
    one of the best burger bars in Michigan… in a Little (don’t blink) town
    so much fun!
    Thank goodness I am seeing other cds!!
    But he was soo loving and relaxed…
    and then came back to my place and watched the baseball game!
    he left cause I really can’t spend the night with him anymore…



  26.  #26Linda on July 24, 2015 at 8:44 pm

    Azure. I know it is hard to shake loose from something that feels good when it is happening. I had that happen between P and I. He has never strayed from saying he loved me and if he were around today he might well say it still. He text me one nite last October and said he loved me and would do ANYTHING to make things work out between us and that he would be the happiest man in the world if it did. He just wanted a chance again. Message after message would come here and there until I thought why not… give it another chance.
    I had some issue with fear I had to battle first though. Fear of what my kids and family would think and say and how they might treat me… etc. I had some other issues of fear but I decided that fear would not be the reason that I missed something here. You know what I genuinely say I opened my heart to him again. I Wanted to see him, hear from him, spend time with him all of it. I was ready to give it a real try again.. he had me convinced that he realllly love me. I wanted to let a new relationship grow. I was prepared to tell my kids and mom all of it. You know what he did? You know what he offered me after all his steady communication of love etc etc. Nothing . He withdrew, was aloof, emotionally closed and unavailable. We barely talked and then it was a text here and there. He declared he needed “HIS” time and would not let around or interact at all with his daughter and that limited his availability. WHen I did hear from him.. he turned it very sexual every time. I tried to work with the new rules of play he set . The things that I found lovely and attracted me to him were almost all gone and… but boy he certainly did NOT offer or do what he said. Since February this year I saw him here and there.. I was more communicative, open, receptive and he was the exact opposite. It truly was baffling to me. I felt deceived and lied to.

    In the end… I just am over it and have absolutely NO interest… NO lingering maybe’s.

    Something Indigo said in a recent post was very noteable to me. A mans history in relationships and family is VERY telling!!! and should be noted as important. P is divorced times! Has no interaction with his 3 other siblings and 2 of his 4 kids wont speak to him. THere is a common theme there .

    I hope that Spirit CAN do relationship and it is the kind you WANT. In the meantime perhaps one of the other CD’s will surprise you .



  27.  #27Linda on July 24, 2015 at 9:10 pm

    In another front of my life, I have had a VERY stressful week. My dog became suddenly very ill this past Monday. She would not eat, drink, was lethargic. I have had her to the Vet 3 days in a row. She was put on IV for hydration. Blood work all fine.. xrays showed nothing… still she was declining. She is only 15 mo old and truly the most loving, tolerant happy dog. I broke my heart to see her look at me with those big brown eyes and her feeling soooo bad. Today back to the vet and barium xrays showed what I suspected a blockage at her intestine.

    Now after a week of fretting and not sleeping… I can. She had to have emergency surgery. The source of the problem??? an acorn!!! I can only suspect a squirrel has carried in to the limited area I let her be in in the yard. Oh my gosh. I dont know how I am gonna pay for this! It was either surgery or have her put down because she was going to die without intervention.

    I sat in the waiting room a whole hour!… holding her listless little body and it felt like when I sat in a hospital room with my dad 15 years ago. All alone, people not going fast enough.. not concerned enough…. waiting there for help… waiting waiting. I became so emotional. My dad died that night. I just could not hardly stand waiting tonight . I felt I was going to explode with anxiety!!!

    I would have love to have a strong man be there with me… hold me in the face of all the uncertainty. I felt small and helpless.

    My dog should be ok now.. Her heart rate dropped really low and they had to give her something to get it going faster. I just feel so vunerable right now. sigh



  28.  #28Rori Raye on July 24, 2015 at 9:21 pm

    Mercedes… Hi! Lovely to hear from you and see you here …how are things going?
    Senior lady… I am so sorry to hear you speak this way, and to have disappointed you with my point of view. I didn’t expect to hear such direct opinion/judgment on this blog at this point, and Though I would absolutely honor your feelings about this, I feel quite knocked out by the firmness of your intellectual judgment. I’m not sure I would like to lay my own personal life out to you… I would not feel safe. Have you never made a mistake you wish you could take back? Regardless of the severity you would apply to it? Do you believe that her punishment fits her “crime?” If you kill someone at 20 yes you pay for that for the rest of your life. Is this the same? When is there redemption? Love, Rori



  29.  #29Rori Raye on July 24, 2015 at 9:25 pm

    Linda I would like to hold your hand from here… The helpless feeling you have with a sick pet is like nothing else …when they can’t speak to you and you don’t know what’s wrong… Brava to you for getting this fixed …all will work out love Rori



  30.  #30Femininewoman on July 24, 2015 at 9:38 pm

    ((((((((((((Zia)))))))))))))))))



  31.  #31Millie on July 24, 2015 at 10:51 pm

    Zia–I’m glad to hear you and the baby are ok! Big hugs to you!

    Linda–I am closely bonded with our family dog as well, and can’t imagine if anything life threatening happened to him! It was rough enough when he tore a ligament..I’m so glad to hear your pup is on the mend! Our canine companions are so special and therapeutic. Take good care of yourself after this emotional week.

    Victoria– I wanted to respond to your last post on the previous thread. I LOVE your image of being a magnet and men are the iron shavings collecting around it. I also LOVE your idea of writing love letters to myself! M would send me the most beautiful and glorious texts full of love for me. I haven’t the heart to delete them…they felt so good to hear. Now, I can take his words and repeat them to myself!

    Dear Millie,
    You are perfect. I’m so glad I met you.. you are more than I could have ever dreamed of and asked for. You are so beautiful, I can’t stop thinking about you. Everything about you is perfect. I just might be falling for you…

    I’m getting teary eyed thinking about it. I wish I didn’t cry so easily. I always seem to be a though away from a waterfall. I was thinking today about the act of Pining. Pining for me, is actually painful. My chest hurts, I feel like I want to die, like I want to crawl out my skin and abandon this reality, but at the same time pining feels good. Reliving the memories, creating ones you wish had happened in your mind, imagining he is right here beside me..and I wonder…if pining is a coping method to avoid reality. We’d rather create this pain for ourselves..of longing..of wanting..because it feels better than feeling reality. Pining breeds hope. While it feels gone, it keeps you close to it. And I wonder if, I used all my strength not to pine, then I’d have to face the feelings about myself that I’m avoiding. Or rather, have to soothe and caress myself into accepting that regardless of him, I am still the goddess I was when we met. For some reason, that feels so much harder to do, than pine. It’s easier to stay stuck, than to forgive myself. It’s easier to cry and long than to stare at myself in the mirror and say “I love you.” I think…at the root of it….that I cannot feel worthy knowing that a man who once thought so highly of me and who I still think highly of, changed his opinion of me and rejected me in such a cold way. I guess my vision of myself is attached to how he behaved towards me. That’s not really new for me…unfortunately. I don’t want to be this person anymore.

    I don’t want to cry anymore, I don’t want to feel badly anymore. I don’t want to feel hung up or stuck on the past anymore.



  32.  #32Zia on July 25, 2015 at 12:54 am

    Senior Lady – wow. I’m with Rori (#28) here. what right do we to pass such judgement on someone we don’t even know about something they did so long ago? everyone makes mistakes. EVERYONE. it doesn’t matter if its private, or in the public eye, or anything like that. all that matters is that we as a person learn from it, grow, and move on.



  33.  #33Indigo on July 25, 2015 at 1:42 am

    Mercedes & Elsie,

    It’s so good to see you both! I’ve missed you!



  34.  #34Indigo on July 25, 2015 at 2:01 am

    Millie 31,

    “I think…at the root of it….that I cannot feel worthy knowing that a man who once thought so highly of me and who I still think highly of, changed his opinion of me and rejected me in such a cold way.”

    I think the biggest thing that helped to release me from this kind of thinking is realising that very little of what other people do is actually about me. It’s about them. Now of course, that’s a difficult one to swallow because then that means we don’t have control over other people. We can’t control whether they stay or leave, and we can’t control what they think of us. But it also means I am just as loveable whether this man loves me, or if he doesn’t. I feel we all have a responsibility to ourselves (and others) to keep growing and learning and becoming better people, but you are already doing this, so big ups to you.

    I’ve said this before, but my relationship with D caused me to ask myself over and over again, what is it about me that made him not want to commit to me, not love me enough, not want to work things out? But then other men came along who adored me for exactly who I was, so of course D’s behaviour had nothing to do with me. I hope you can own this truth for yourself.



  35.  #35Indigo on July 25, 2015 at 2:09 am

    So, things with BikeCD keep getting better and better. Gradually of course, but it’s there. I find myself feeling so happy to see him, and feeling this surge happy lovey butterfly feeling when I first see him. Last night we made dinner together, listened to country music, watched a romantic movie and talked again about the house we’re going to build (all his talk of course, I’m just happy to listen to these dreams and plans he has) and him saying we are going to have the most beautiful house ever. He told me last night that he had been preparing to be single for the rest of his life, and that all of this took him really by surprise. I suppose it just goes to show you that there are men out there waiting, who are also beginning to despair of ever meeting the right woman.

    What is warming me to BikeCD so much is that he always tries. He’s not perfect but he always listens to me so intently, cherishes my feelings and makes an effort. This is the kind of man I can communicate with safely and build something with.



  36.  #36Millie on July 25, 2015 at 2:38 am

    Indigo!!!!! I am brimming with excitement for you!!!!!!!!
    Thank you or your insightful words! You are so very right…
    Ah I’m so happy for you and Bike cd!!!!!!!!!!!



  37.  #37Azure Blu on July 25, 2015 at 5:58 am

    Linda #26
    Ahhhh… lovely Siren!
    Thank you for sharing your last journey with P!
    In my opinion…The practice you did with him, of opening your heart
    and sharing your feelings was NOT wasted…
    I believe the MORE we practice all of the Rori tools
    the more second nature they become… (but you know that ;-))

    Spirit has never said all those words of enticement to win me back… except for the “You know I love YOU!!!”
    I would have had a VERY difficult time turning P down.
    That sounds sooo shocking for P to change sooo quickly.

    Yes… as I see more of Spirit and we talk about our feelings he is able to share more of what he does want…
    he says it feels best to him just to date…
    he does want to get married at some point…
    He is NOT intimate with anyone else
    He is also in love with the other woman…

    I shared with him that I do want to get married…
    I am looking for a quality man and stop dating…
    I am dating others BUT I’m NOT in love with them (yet)…

    I know He is NOT the man for me…
    He LOVEs being a bachelor…
    I wouldn’t want to go to church on a regular
    basis… and I dislike his politics!
    Although both of those have softened drastically!!!

    I’m enjoying the new quality of men I am dating…
    and at this age all the ones I am talking to and dating
    want a forever relationship!!
    Yay!!!



  38.  #38Linda on July 25, 2015 at 7:45 am

    Rori thank you for your words and the encouragement!!

    As this events of last week unfolded.. I made a promise in my heart to Annie (my dog) that I would do what ever it took to make it better no matter what the outcome.

    Through this I see a part of myself that I like and feel settled with. I am actually the kind of person I wanted to become. When we are tested what is inside of us comes out.

    I have already been judged about my decision to do what I did to save a “dog” but their opinion does not matter, only mine does. What I have learned about myself thru this encourages me I feel well within.



  39.  #39IamHis on July 25, 2015 at 8:03 am

    I feel so small and invisible



  40.  #40Lovergirl on July 25, 2015 at 8:11 am

    (((Zia))) Hope everything is okay with the baby.

    Indigo- It sound like things are going really well with BikeCD. Myself, I get worried when things seem to be moving too quickly but I am happy for you.

    Azure- I am glad you are seeing Spirit for who he is and what he is capable of. I don’t fault you at all for wanting to find out what he is offering you this time around.



  41.  #41Lovergirl on July 25, 2015 at 8:13 am

    Millie (((hugs)))

    Iamhis- I see you (((hugs)))

    Sometimes there is a lot I would like to comment on but I am short on time so I end up just talking about my own life. I do read other people’s situations though and am thinking about them. Then I feel guilty for not responding.



  42.  #42Linda on July 25, 2015 at 9:00 am

    I dont think I will ever be able to understand P and his behaviors. What I do know is that I know myself even better because of them.

    I have been thinking about the dynamics of hot and cold in relationships and life. Hot and cold is much easier for me to make decisions with them than with “lukewarm” things. Lukewarm is pretty yuk.

    P was wishy washy and his behavior landed all over the board. Things always felt off. Trust is pretty important. Ultimately I found that I could not count on anything with him except for Not being able to count on him. Someone can tell you they love you all the time but consistency and its expression is realllly important.

    What I just experienced and learned about myself thru the situation with my dog this week is that being able to count on someone and it is a basic “have to have” of mine. Without that character quality nothing will last for me.

    Indigo mentioned …He’s not perfect but he always listens to me so intently, cherishes my feelings and makes an effort. This is the kind of man I can communicate with safely and build something with. P was not this kind of man for me and probably not for anyone this far.

    There is a song in which chorus the other day…and it really caused me to pause . It made me think of P and how I much my heart wanted to say…

    “Let’s make a list of all the things the world has put you through
    Let’s raise a glass to all the people you’re not speaking to
    I don’t know what else you wanted me to say to you
    Things happen
    That’s all they ever do”

    Building a fortress and camping around your past will surely color and sabatoge everything in life. Everything!



  43.  #43Linda on July 25, 2015 at 9:04 am

    Millie.. thank you!



  44.  #44IamHis on July 25, 2015 at 9:06 am

    ((((Lover girl)))) – Thanks so much. What is funny is that I don’t even feel invisible on the blog…I mean sometimes I do, but I was referring to real life in that comment. It feels amazing to be seen & acknowledged regardless, so I thank you again.



  45.  #45Azure Blu on July 25, 2015 at 9:10 am

    Linda
    you have such a witty way of putting thoughts
    into words!!
    I LOVE THIS!

    “Building a fortress and camping around your past will surely color and sabatoge everything in life. Everything!”



  46.  #46IamHis on July 25, 2015 at 9:10 am

    @28 Rori Raye – I feel so moved by your response to Senior Lady Vibe. I also feel empathy for her response. Beautiful mutual triggering going on…



  47.  #47Linda on July 25, 2015 at 9:11 am

    Oh and Millie… what Indigo wrote to you in post # 34 is so so true.

    What she said has become true in my life . It was liberating!



  48.  #48IamHis on July 25, 2015 at 9:13 am

    I need a good feeling message. I know the words “We need to talk” will shut a man down and send cold fear through his veins, but how do you say it when it is a simple truth?



  49.  #49Azure Blu on July 25, 2015 at 9:14 am

    ((((Linda)))
    I am sooo sorry that your most precious companion
    became so ill!!!
    I’m actually surprised that your family was not happy with your decision to save your dog?
    This happened to me a few years ago and My friends and family encouraged me to
    save the dog and I found it financially difficult…
    so they all pitched in to helped me pay for it.
    I’m glad *YOU* are happy with your decision…
    I am praying that the $$$ will come in!
    huggs to you darling Siren!
    oxoxo



  50.  #50IamHis on July 25, 2015 at 9:15 am

    I feel jealous and scared and angry but I also feel moved and tender towards him.

    Do I just say some version of that?



  51.  #51IamHis on July 25, 2015 at 9:19 am

    Also, sometimes I feel like I need to observe a man for a while to determine his character and what exactly it is he wants from me. That feels good.

    What doesn’t feel good is not fully understanding the meaning of moments until weeks have passed, & realizing it would have been really helpful to speak about them then.

    Feedback would feel great.

    I feel a little lost and disoriented…



  52.  #52IamHis on July 25, 2015 at 9:29 am

    Feedback would feel great on this too, if anyone feels connected to this experience

    I’m a very verbal person. I LOVE words, but they always seem to fail me when I need them the most.

    1. Has anyone else experienced great difficulty with verbal communication? Specifically in romantic and familial areas?

    2. If yes, did you find mutual attractions with men who had the same problem?

    I even find myself feeling scared/threatened/jealous of men who ARE good verbal communicators.

    & I’m usually not very sexually attracted to them…

    I feel scared that I’m going to get judged for saying that…



  53.  #53Azure Blu on July 25, 2015 at 9:30 am

    IamHis#48…
    I just had that conversation this morning with one of my CDs – T-(I’ve had 2 dates, and many phone and texts)
    I started with…
    “I feel excited to share something important with you…
    do you have time right now to talk?”
    He asked if it was about him and me…
    I said yes… he said Yes he had time…
    My conversation was about my financial situation
    and if it fit into his future plans…
    I start with “actually my future looks quite exciting!!!”
    I share a brief overview of
    how proud I am of ME for having raised 2 children with 0 child support or help from either side of the family… they both had a sport they loved and they are both successful adults!
    I’ve paid off my credit cards, but except for a little in the bank
    I have no pension I do have SS..
    I am looking forward to sharing the rest of my life with a wonderful man but if he is needing someone to share expenses for trips to Europe or Cruises
    I wouldnt be able to do that…
    I AM looking forward to road trips and visiting many cities, back packing etc (inexpensive vacations)
    It was a well thought out script and one I have shared with most of my cds after 2-3 dates…
    They always thank me for bridging such a difficult
    discussion and it sounds like I have
    done remarkably well!!

    I was concerned that T would say this didn’t fit into
    his plans for his future… :-((
    He Said: I’m not looking for a financial partner…
    I am looking for a emotional, physical and spiritual
    partnership… and we can certainly work out the rest!
    and then he asked me out on our 3rd date!!!
    Yaya!!!



  54.  #54Sassy on July 25, 2015 at 9:38 am

    Linda,

    Thank you and Brava to you for taking care of your puppy! I am a HUGE dog lover. Something I read often on FB is the saying something along the lines of us being their whole world.

    Dogs love us unconditionally. How many people can say that about any other human on the planet?

    I hope she has a wonderful recovery.



  55.  #55Azure Blu on July 25, 2015 at 9:39 am

    Lovergirl #40
    Thank you for your loving, warm words!!!
    They calm me and help me feel supported!

    You are so sweet to take the time to share your thoughts about all the Sirens situations….
    I know you are VERY busy with 5 darling children
    to care for almost single handed and a job!!

    I am hoping your CDing is giving you some
    adoration, huggs and attention you sooo deserve!
    Soak it up…
    that is what I have been doing…
    opening my heart and feeling all the masculine
    warmth and caring that they are sending my way!!!



  56.  #56Sassy on July 25, 2015 at 9:54 am

    Millie,

    I have been following your very painful journey after your guy poofing.

    Have you ever considered that his disappearance has absolutely NOTHING to do with you?

    It looks to me as if he hit that 3-4 month period and felt absolutely terrified about how he was beginning to feel about you.

    There are some men out there that would rather run than face those feelings.

    Please don’t beat yourself up. I understand how painful it is and how easily we blame ourselves, but, as Indigo said, we have no control over anyone else.



  57.  #57IamHis on July 25, 2015 at 9:55 am

    Thanks for your feedback, Azure Blue.

    I don’t feel excited. I feel vulnerable and nervous and weirdly enough…trusting. I truly trust him, but I still feel so shake-y and like a wobbly baby deer when it comes to sensitive topics; ie my faith, sexuality, finances.

    No one has ever turned me on so much, likely because no one has ever made me feel this safe…



  58.  #58IamHis on July 25, 2015 at 9:57 am

    Feeling this safe feels scary…simply because I’m not used to it!



  59.  #59Sassy on July 25, 2015 at 9:59 am

    I Am His,

    I am terrible at verbal communication but great at written, whether by text or email. The words are in my brain but they can’t seem to fall out of my mouth in the way I need or want them too!

    I do recall Bob Grant saying that men are much more inclined to hear your tone of voice than your actual words.

    Also, they tend to stop listening to what we are saying after 2 or 3 minutes. So if you can verbalized your feelings, keep it short, sweet and to the point!

    Is this someone you have been dating or work with?



  60.  #60IamHis on July 25, 2015 at 10:04 am

    I also have a very angry coworker who occasionally let’s his anger out on me.

    He’s done it with a man from work over the exact same issue and what I’ve deduced is that I feel like this angry man feels completely alone, so much so that he has to do everything himself.

    The anger comes out st6rong when he feels like someone fails to assist him in what he deems a simple task…



  61.  #61IamHis on July 25, 2015 at 10:04 am

    PA -I’m talking about three different men here…



  62.  #62IamHis on July 25, 2015 at 10:13 am

    Work with…I feel so embarrassed that I can never seem to get to the dating stage.

    I’m at the point I always get to…where I want to run far,far, far away…where I pull back, go quiet, withhold myself, shut down…

    I have finally admitted how much control I have in relationships. I am always wanting to get to know the man out of the context of dating…because I feel they are more real in that place.

    So because I feel so scared, I very slowly reveal my attraction and feelings…

    I usually get really scared after I feel I’ve “revealed the you much.”

    If they get too excited, I run. If they don’t get excited enough, I run…



  63.  #63IamHis on July 25, 2015 at 10:15 am

    *after I’ve revealed feelings.

    I feel frustrated at weird auto correct!



  64.  #64Sassy on July 25, 2015 at 11:05 am

    IamHis,

    How about just spending time with someone…not at work and not “on a date”?
    Can you just meet up with him for a walk or a hike, bike ride or coffee?
    Don’t think of it as a date, just talking and getting to know him?
    Are you revealing too much too soon? Help us out here, there just doesn’t seem to be enough information or a story to for us to give you suggestions or tell what we’ve done in similar situations.



  65.  #65tee on July 25, 2015 at 12:25 pm

    Can someone send me a link for the RR article where she says something to the effect of….What if you completely trusted that he loves you, how would things be then? I saved it on my cellphone but the screen is broken so I can’t retrieve anything until its fixed, and that could take time. Thanks in advance



  66.  #66Linda on July 25, 2015 at 12:29 pm

    Thanks Azure! I never have considered my self witty. instead I often feel it a struggle to find the right words to say. Actually I think that I think too much about expressing myself and it gets stuck in a eddy and goes nowhere but round and round.

    About my family.. well their vibe is wow she is just a dog but they know that she is just as much my world as I am hers. I dont care though.

    I think what you said to you CD was amazing. It has never occurred to me to cover that kind of subject like that. It is inspiring actually. Even bigger was it opened him up to say what he was looking for. That was sooo cool!



  67.  #67Linda on July 25, 2015 at 12:32 pm

    Sassy.

    Thank you for taking time to send me your support. I gotta say it feels really good to have you ladies care. I was really not aware of how depleted I was feeling emotionally . It is like you put some much welcomed gas in my tank!



  68.  #68Linda on July 25, 2015 at 12:34 pm

    I hope to find a man someday who is looking for that T said to you Azure. That would be a perfect mirror for me!



  69.  #69IamHis on July 25, 2015 at 12:56 pm

    @64 Sassy – that would feel amazing, but I feel so pouty…I would want him to initiate it. I feel too heavy too soon…but can I help the WHEN of when I feel triggered? I should have said some things sooner…isn’t this what men hate…built up emotion, rather than emotion expressed freely and non-blamey & in the moment?

    I’m still learning, damn it!



  70.  #70Azure Blu on July 25, 2015 at 2:12 pm

    Linda #67
    Thank you for your compliments!!
    I feel good reading them…

    YES!! it does sound VERY good to hear T say that!!
    and I shared that with him..

    Linda…. YOU sooo deserve a man who wants a
    emotional, spiritual and physical partnership!!
    And you CAN/WILL have that!!
    oxoxo



  71.  #71Millie on July 25, 2015 at 2:17 pm

    Sassy– Hi!! Thank you for your insightful words!
    Many people are telling me “It’s him, it’s not you,” but my Gremlins are louder and telling me that it was ME. In reality, it is probably a combination of both. I’ve done a lot of reading up on this, and I do think that I did things that stereotypically create a vibe that pushes him away. But, at the end of the day- I don’t want a man that runs away, I want one that runs towards me. So, getting past all my internal hang ups are a process– but I’ll get there!

    IamHis– I see you and hear you! I’m not sure how to respond to your plight.



  72.  #72IamHis on July 25, 2015 at 3:46 pm

    I feel scared because to me…opening up = loss of relationships.

    But sometimes loss of crappie relationships open doors to better ones…or at least that’s what I want to believe



  73.  #73Sassy on July 25, 2015 at 6:19 pm

    IamHis,

    What if you turned that belief around and told yourself that opening up will allow others to see who you are and that they will absolutely fall madly in love with you!

    What if YOU fell madly in love with YOU? Then no man will scare you because you will have your power.

    You have to tell yourself non stop that you are worthy of being loved. If someone walks away they weren’t yours to begin with.



  74.  #74Linda on July 25, 2015 at 8:12 pm

    I got to bring my pup home tonight ! she hates the head collar she has to wear haha.

    She snarfed down the special food I made for her and She poo’d.!!!! What an absolutely beautiful site to see. I never thought I would ever be elated to see dog poo but I was!!



  75.  #75Indigo on July 26, 2015 at 12:13 am

    IamHis 48,

    I would feel happy to help with a script, what do you need to talk to him about?



  76.  #76Indigo on July 26, 2015 at 12:17 am

    (((Linda))) What a relief to have your puppy home and doing well. I relate so much to everything you’ve shared about P. It truly is a man’s actions that count, not the words he says. Now that I can see that, men seeming to be coming into focus for me, as if I’ve just put glasses on for the first time.

    (((Zia))) I hope you and the baby are doing well.



  77.  #77Indigo on July 26, 2015 at 12:29 am

    Millie 36 – Thank you so much 🙂

    Lovergirl 40 – It’s nice to see you on the blog again. I read your post on the last thread about your conversation with S, and just wanted to say you are doing so well.

    Honestly it usually freaks me out too when things move so quickly, and I have the brakes on countless men who seem to come on too strong in the past. All I can really say I guess is that in the past it felt like with those men it was coming from some kind of place of insecurity, it felt a little off-balance to me and lacked stability, and with BikeCD it doesn’t feel that way. He is just so incredibly solid. He is strong and self-contained and stands on his own two feet. He is also calm and completely drama-free. He’s independent in a really masculine way. I’ve been going with it because it honestly just feels like he wants me and that I make him happy, rather than that he *needs* me. He’s not clingy, he’s just… great.

    Last night he had me over to his house – he had me over to his house where he stays in the cottage on the property of friends of his. He cooked dinner and he went to such a lot of effort, especially to specially make one of my favourite desserts. He was so loving and attentive and his one friend said to me that he is totally in love. We had a lovely evening, and again it all just felt so solid and nice. I found myself not being able to believe that he is still single, but then again so am I. I haven’t seen any red flags yet and I don’t get the feeling I will but who knows. He is 34 and seems to have just decided that he is ready to be happy and to build something real.



  78.  #78IamHis on July 26, 2015 at 1:11 am

    @75 Indigo – how he grabbed my boobs at work. I feel humiliated that I didn’t report it sooner.



  79.  #79IamHis on July 26, 2015 at 1:15 am

    It’s sick that I still want to believe he’s a good guy…I always want to believe the best of people, but believing that is flat out dangerous…



  80.  #80Azure Blu on July 26, 2015 at 10:15 am

    Indigo #77!!
    mmmmm…. so wonderful…
    I feel very happy for you!
    I see what your saying…
    THIS man’s attention, adoration and actions
    feel better than anything before…
    and you are going with your instincts…
    makes total sense to me lovely Siren!
    oxoxo



  81.  #81Azure Blu on July 26, 2015 at 10:21 am

    Lovergirl #169
    on last thread…
    WOW!!!
    I am soooo sorry that S isn’t stepping up…
    BUT You are doing AMAZING…
    Taking loving care of YOU… YOUR sweet, warm heart…
    the feeling messages are spot on – in my book!!!
    You ARE rockin it!!
    huggs and love…
    I know this is painful…
    I know there is an amazing man out there for you…
    the more I LOVE ME… the better quality men
    I am attracting!



  82.  #82Azure Blu on July 26, 2015 at 10:27 am

    Sooo what I am realizing is
    these 3-4 men that I am dating…
    HATE that I am dating others….
    they start hinting… acting annoyed…
    I couldn’t figure it out this past week…
    but that is what I think it is…
    They call me dating more than one man…
    “game playing!!!”
    On most men’s online dating profiles
    they mention… “No game players”

    That is going to be my next question to all of them…
    Me: “What does game playing mean to you?”

    Reading between the lines on what these men are
    trying to tell me is VERY difficult…
    I need to PRACTICE asking MORE questions!



  83.  #83Azure Blu on July 26, 2015 at 10:59 am

    Tereana #95 from a last thread…
    What an important insight into your fathers impact on
    how you view yourself
    and how you interact with men now…

    Eyes Wide Open (with a good understanding of our past) helps me move out of an OLD pattern
    and into A NEW REALITY!!!
    oxoxo!!



  84.  #84Azure Blu on July 26, 2015 at 11:06 am

    Here i am in my 60’s
    and I continue to find myself
    Soooo STUck in my childhood and how I was loved (or my parents idea of love)
    it is VERY FRUSTRATING!!!@@#$%^&*()_

    BUT all the tools that Rori has
    taught me has moved my heart and soul
    into LOVE…
    which makes ANYTHING
    seem possible!
    Thank you RORI!!



  85.  #85MissStix on July 26, 2015 at 11:08 am

    Hello again!

    I’m back in siren school after a very long hiatus as Rockstar. I’m ready for the next level in romantic relationship. It would feel amazing if J would ask me to marry him.

    I’ve done a lot of hint dropping, pressuring and calm, open communication. I (finally) know what I want, he knows what I want.
    The hang up is that he holds a belief that all of his loose ends (debt and etc) must be tied up before he can move forward in his life (his words) in that way.

    To me it looks like a mountain I have to climb. It feels daunting, impossible, frustrating, urgent. So here I am…Ready to change my perspective, lean back, breathe and relax. He’ll get serious, i’ll relax, we’ll meet in the middle (his words). He gets the oars from here until a time I have chosen. I will see where he takes us 🙂

    In the mean time I am more than prepared to initiate radical self care. Today is shopping day with my best friend. Myself 😉
    I need a dress for a backyard bday party, and healthy food for the upcoming week. J was supposed to come but he backed out and I felt relieved. Now I can take my time and it’s another oportunity to CD myself.



  86.  #86Azure Blu on July 26, 2015 at 12:05 pm

    Can’t remember who wrote this recently on
    Siren Island…
    It is soooo great I wanted to share it again!!!

    “I am the sole generator of love for my being.
    Now this is something to focus on.
    Love bubbles up from an inner hot spring.

    Being the sole generator of love for this being
    means also becoming
    an adept receptor of love.
    Because I no longer seek to fill myself with someone elses love for me
    nor to generate love for myself through their love for me,
    I need to get really good at recieving it.
    Really really.

    And then I need to become adept at sensing it.
    As in…
How I see,
    smell, taste, feel the food I eat.

    How I know the energy in the wind.
    I know that energy down to the very essence
    of my spirit.
    It IS me.
    More than me.
    I suppose I am its child.
    It is so abundant and present in stormy weather.
    
How I drink the coolness of floating in the ocean.
    All my life and existence centered,
    focused right down into the tiniest moments.
    I know this is how love can be for me.”



  87.  #87Labbit on July 26, 2015 at 12:56 pm

    82 Azure — I love your thought to ask the men you are dating what they think game-playing is.

    You could also use this as an opportunity to make a power speech of sorts, something like, “Dating for me feels so fun but I don’t want it to be a game. I don’t want to have a relationship with many men — and I don’t want to stop dating until the man who makes me feel, cherished and safe shows up. It feels good when I take care of myself well and to me this is how I take care of myself well.”

    And then you can ask them things like, “What’s important to you in dating?” “What do you think a good relationship looks like?” Etc.



  88.  #88Labbit on July 26, 2015 at 1:03 pm

    Rori I love this post! I have found similar experience to you, that loving myself does not come naturally and my mind is at any moment so ready to shame me and attack me if I let it. But the longer I’ve been here and the more I do your tools, and the more I read here and elsewhere, I see that this is universal — even people I think of as ultra-successful or confident struggle with gremlins. I read something recently that said “Inner peace is a habit that needs to be cultivated, NO ONE is born with it” and I am learning to live by this. Each day, I am learning new ways to turn away from what doesn’t feel good, turn away from the nasty things my mind wants to say to me (which are mostly old opinions about myself that I formed when I was young, like 12 or 13, and not yet fully formed as an adult) and learn to cultivate that inner peace. How you’ve written it here is beautiful and a gentle, positive reminder that self-love is where the gold is.

    To all — I recently finished reading a book with Tender that I wanted to recommend to any interested parties here. It’s called “The Tao of Dating,” and it’s written by a male doctor. This book reaffirms nearly everything Rori says, and mixes in a bit of spiritual (non-religious) guidance to the dating process. It’s NOT a self help book in any way, to me it was a positive affirmation that following the tools here is the right path, and builds on that with some more practices and exercises. It’s well-written and fun to read!

    I was fascinated to see that this guy too recommends circular dating (at least 3 he says, just like Rori) and although he gives different reasons for why it all adds up to the same thing. Tender and I both felt it was accurate and it gave us some good tips on how we can keep opening up in our communication and intimacy.



  89.  #89MissStix on July 26, 2015 at 4:41 pm

    My Suday adventure was lots of fun. I like my own company. I was out for like 4 hours. I took my time browsing and trying things on. I have a new silhouette so I tried on many things out of my old comfort zone. Tried on some form fitted long dresses, cute short dresses out of the juniors section (weee 🙂 ) I could have worn anything I picked. I liked them all but I have a new motto when shopping: If I don’t love it I don’t buy it.
    So I ended up with a super cute bright coral hoodie and a navy tee that’s super light and soft with a hood.
    I stocked up on yummy nutritious food. Spoiled myself with expensive facial cleanser, shampoo and conditioner and foam bath that smells like summer berries.

    When I got home I recieved immediate affection and help with the groceries and kitchen s3x 😉

    It’s a good day. I feel relaxed and happy.



  90.  #90Tereana on July 26, 2015 at 7:03 pm

    Azure Blu (83) thank you! I really appreciate that.

    And Mercedes, good to “see” you here ! : )

    I’m really glad Rori posted this long entry about shame. It’s a big important subject for me.

    And I’m not sure this is related, but it’s what I was thinking of this evening. And that is my underlying belief that I just, for whatever reason “can’t” have love. That I’m unqualified, not knowledgeable enough, or just don’t have the resources, emotional or financial, to make a relationship work. Even if these things aren’t true, the belief is deeply entrenched, such that I can’t even feel it working. Usually until it’s too late.

    It’s probably not the only reason I haven’t had success with relationships thus far. But it has to be one of them…

    How can I stop or counteract this belief?

    I wish it were as easy as just noticing it and willing it away…but it’s too deep in there it seems



  91.  #91Mandy on July 26, 2015 at 10:17 pm

    I feel sad. I am visiting my G. I feel still lonely. I like the attention and appreciate the hospitality but I’must not sure I feel comfy here. I need to nurture myself once I get.



  92.  #92Millie on July 26, 2015 at 10:56 pm

    Labbit– thanks for the book recommendation!! I want to check it out! That is so wonderful that you and Tender can discuss these concepts and read together! I would love to have that quality in a relationship!



  93.  #93Indigo on July 26, 2015 at 10:58 pm

    Tereana 90,

    I can remember believing all those same things about myself. I think it’s probably quite normal/common if you weren’t validated in the way you needed as a child, which I certainly wasn’t. All I can tell you is that it is possible to turn this around. In my humble opinion, you need to take the pressure off.

    Maybe try not overthinking the guys you meet, not even worrying if they are “the one” or even if they want to have a relationship with you. Try just getting to know them as people, just being open and curious and letting things unfold naturally. In my experience yes, some of it is about having the “resources” to do relationship, but a lot of it is just simply having the openness to let love flow in, not putting up barriers or walls, just creating a safe space for it to come in and dwell. You don’t have to be someone very special or qualified to have love.



  94.  #94Indigo on July 26, 2015 at 11:00 pm

    MissStix and Labbit,

    So good to see both of you again! 🙂



  95.  #95Millie on July 26, 2015 at 11:08 pm

    How was everyone’s weekend?!

    Mine has been pretty darn lovely! I went riding of course, which swells my heart every time! I also went out to brunch with the ladies and made some new friends! Afterwards, we went dancing and listening to some bands play! I felt really beautiful and so in my element as well as in great company.

    Saturday night I encountered some demons. I felt triggered by some things some of men I know were saying/doing while we were at the bar. One has a girlfriend and was while she wasn’t there, was clearly hitting on and flirting with other women in a perverted way. Mechanic was there and told me that that guy had made out with another woman the previous night. I felt so annoyed and upset because I don’t support that behavior at all. Cding is one thing, but this guy seems to take “fun” to another level, one that leaves me feeling icky. Some of the girls play along, including me, and I don’t like it. Afterwards, I feel sad and discontent that I would be friends with someone of low integrity. Another guy in the same circle who also has a gf was hitting on me and saying things that if I know he would not have said in front of her. I felt very frustrated when I got home….I don’t want to believe that all men do these types of things behind women’s backs. I want to believe that men of integrity exist and I hope to find one.

    I also reactivated my online dating profile and am getting a ton of messages. I feel like I know very clearly what I want in a man and how I want to be treated, so the weeding out is very easy. There are a couple I would consider meeting if it gets to that point…so we shall see. My heart still aches, but I feel like this wknd it has improved greatly. I spoke to two different friends about the situation because they asked (they didn’t know what happened) and one replied with–“why would you want someone who runs away when the going gets tough” She said he sounds like a p**sy. The other friend said it sounded like there was another woman in the picture. Honestly, hearing that that might have been a strong possibility hurt even more than any other possibility I have been considering. The idea that he is in someone else’s arms right now, telling her the things he told me….oh I could be sick over it. But I’m not going to think about it. I’m not going to put my energy there. I’m going to try to attract the right people. I can see what I want so clearly… maybe I want it too much.



  96.  #96Zara on July 26, 2015 at 11:12 pm

    “I blame my father” with Tony Robins

    https://tbs.rmtcenter.com/miekes-journey

    xxx



  97.  #97Millie on July 26, 2015 at 11:24 pm

    MissStix 89 !!!!!! I love this!!! And what a wonderful welcome home he gave you 😉



  98.  #98Indigo on July 26, 2015 at 11:28 pm

    Millie,

    I hear you. Fidelity has always been very important to me, and maybe even unconsciously I have always made a point of looking for that quality in a man. I guess for me I always listen to how a man speaks about relationships or commitment. If he of his own volition says how much faithfulness means to him I take that as a good sign. I cannot imagine anything worse than being in a relationship with a man where you feel you have to keep him on a short leash or watch for signs of cheating. Just being in an uncommitted relationship with D stressed me out enormously on that score.

    For me it was a good sign that BikeCD openly told me his thoughts on faithfulness and cheating and how much he abhors that kind of thing. He confided that he was a bit of a jealous person and I must say to the extent that he is, it more tells me how much he invests in a relationship more than anything else.

    Yesterday he met my parents – he was very nervous and so was I to be honest, but it went really well 🙂



  99.  #99Millie on July 26, 2015 at 11:40 pm

    One more thing I’ve been thinking about… Sat night when I was feeling triggered, in the moment I couldn’t quite identity why. Overall I am not a socially awkward person, but I do have low confidence around certain people. This particular group of guys has in the past, brought that feeling up in me..and that night it came up again. Particularly because my girlfriend was being so sassy and vivacious that I felt the men circling her rather than me, which made me want to recede, to be quiet, to not chase after their attentions, to not compete…especially in the manner of the competition. The gremlin voices started coming out–saying that I’m not interesting or witty enough, that I’m not intriguing enough or flirty enough to be able to hold their attention….I found myself feeling like an outsider, which is a familiar feeling for me.

    Then I went deeper into my feelings and asked that flush of anxiety why those gremlins were saying all of those nasty things about me? Am I disappointed that these men aren’t giving me attention? Am I really telling myself that in order to be interesting I must be like her? Are these the kind of men I want attention from? If they are choosing not to give me attention, I don’t feel seen for who I am. Maybe I feel inside that I am not who I think they want to be around. Do they want to be around me? Am I feeling this way because I don’t feel welcome? Or am I feeling this way because I can’t connect to them on the level I want?

    Standing there, I realized that No. These are not quality men for me, even as close friends. (Mechanic exempt–he’s the only one I feel really knows me) I don’t feel understood or appreciated by them, beyond my physical appearance. Maybe the reason I feel so withdrawn is because I’m turned off by them! Not the other way around. And I had to ask myself, why am I here? Really, why am I here. I don’t need to try or compete for attention from men that is surface level. I want to be around people that desire to truly get to know me… and maybe I’m too serious for them. Maybe I am! And that is completely OK! I feel such relief realizing that because it’s not that I’m socially awkward, or not witty, or charming, it’s not that I’m NOT anything– It’s that, I don’t need them!



  100.  #100Victoria on July 27, 2015 at 12:17 am

    @ Azure 82

    I loved the topic of what men think is game playing. I was reading EMK’s blog for a while, and I have noticed that the men who comment there hate the following parts of dating 1)having to be the one to initiate, 2)paying for dates 3)going out with several dates with a woman and then not getting laid/being friend-zoned.
    What struck me is that each man there said they hated the part where they have to pay for the dates. And they do it for one reason only: the likelihood for getting laid drops dramatically when they do not pay for dates.
    I have been wondering, it is simpy that only a bunch of mysoginist losers who care to post on a blog for women, or are all men like that?
    So Azure, I think men are in principle very calculating (or shall I use the word “rational”?) and they seek to get the best result with as little effort as they can. For them, every dollar spent on a woman they do not get reciprocity from, is a dollar squandered. This is of course just my theory.
    I am very curious what the men you are dating will say. I doubt that they will be honest enough to admit it is about the money (I think in principle men are smart enough to know that being cheap won’t get them far with women).
    I personally would never share with a man that I am also seeing other men. I would look them in the eyes and tell them I am busy with work, relatives, washing my hair, whatever. But then again, I am not dating online, I guess if you are, it is kind of visible.
    Azure, I am soooo curious what they will say!



  101.  #101Victoria on July 27, 2015 at 12:29 am

    Azure,
    And then again comes the other question, what do men want in a relationship.
    Rori said in an older post that “Men want a woman who gives them a boner”.
    And, given the fact that men tend to get easily aroused just by looking at magazines, porn, etc., I would say they want a real life woman, flesh and blood, who consistently and repeatedly gives them boners over prolonged periods of time. And, men want to feel in love (just we do) and, in my experience, being in love for them means getting repeatedly and consistently boners from the same woman and getting less aroused by other women.
    If you think I am too cynical or oversimplifying, please let me know. I am really curious to find out what others think.



  102.  #102Indigo on July 27, 2015 at 12:39 am

    Victoria,

    As I have shared before, the misogynist comments on the blog is one of the biggest reasons I stopped reading EMK. It is quite enough that I had to grow up with a man like that for a father, and that I know there are men like that out there, I do not need their mean-spirited opinions shoved in my face as well.

    Personally, financial generosity, much like fidelity, is a deal breaker for me if it is not present. It is not that I wish to have lots of money spent on me – on the contrary I am a simple girl of simple pleasures – it is much more about the fact that I need to know they are WILLING to do it if it came to it. I just simply will not give my heart to someone who holds back financially. For me, that withholding, tight-fisted mentality is an absolute no-no. That said, I am sensitive to the fact that many men have been out with women whom they wined and dined and it did not go any further because these women were not serious and seemed only to want to have a good time. I am talking here about the guys I have met who genuinely wanted a relationship that was leading to commitment, not the guys who just wanted to get laid. I do sympathise with how frustrating that must be when you put yourself out there financially and emotionally, only to find the woman doesn’t want the same thing as you. I suppose it is a bit like when we women give our bodies only to find the men flaking out on us.

    So, I’m sensitive to the way men feel, but at the same time I hold onto my own boundaries. I feel I need to do what’s right for me, right up until we have a commitment and beyond, and if it doesn’t work for him he is probably not the right guy for me. Like Azure Blu, I like to discuss the important things quite early on.



  103.  #103Labbit on July 27, 2015 at 5:07 am

    92 Millie — Yay, I believe you’ll enjoy it! Tender and I read two of the authors books, this one and a very similar one targeted towards men. Reading the men’s book as a woman was HILARIOUS…eye-opening and a few “Ohhhhh, so that’s why men do that” kind of moments.

    Victoria & Indigo — I love EMK’s blog, but I stopped reading the comments there very early on. I find both the men’s and women’s comments there to be mostly wildly off-base, and to me it feels more like people venting and projecting than any kind of discussion that actually adds to his posts.

    Indigo, I am so thrilled to read about what’s unfolding with BikeCD!!!!

    I have been feeling very BIG these last couple of weeks, more expanded and invigorated with possibilities about my life than I have perhaps ever felt. It hasn’t fully taken hold — sometimes I do bounce back to feeling small, as though someone will notice how big I feel and say “FAKER!!” Mostly though I am seeing opportunities all around me…concentrating on feeding myself good things, including mentally…letting go of planning every last detail of my life and instead seeing what unfolds…when I’m too in my mind it feels scary, and when I drop down into my body it feels exhilarating and fun!



  104.  #104MissStix on July 27, 2015 at 7:03 am

    Victoria, I find your thoughts very interesting.
    Only seems natural that if a man is leading, initiating, paying etc That he would hope for sometime in return. What that is and the extent just depends on the man. Some men may hope for sex. Others the possibility for a commited relationship. Others may be “simple” enough to genuinely just hope to make a woman feel good and smile. Although the latter seems more likely if a man is already in a relationship with a woman.
    Then there are the men who are old school enough to see those things as what a man is supposed to do.
    I’m sure there must also be combinations of all of the above and more.



  105.  #105MissStix on July 27, 2015 at 7:03 am

    Hi indigo 🙂 Nice to see you!



  106.  #106MissStix on July 27, 2015 at 7:33 am

    So far it feels easy to relax. I find myself creeping into my head about it here and there. If i’m relaxed, how do I know if he’s “getting serious”?
    I need to keep gently reminding myself that’s not the point. I’m not relaxing because he told me he’ll get serious. I’m relaxing because it’s a good idea and I already knew I needed to before he said it. For my own sanity.
    I don’t want to exist very long in a state of tension and desperation.



  107.  #107Victoria on July 27, 2015 at 7:33 am

    MissStix,
    Of course men want something “in return”, actually the “return” is the reason they do things, isn’t it?
    I think we can safely assume that a man who is asking out and paying for a woman is interested in having s*x with her. May be not on that particular date, but this is the targer. Unless of course he comes from a religious upbringing where s*x before marriage is forbidden. I personally have not men like this in my life, but I know they exist.
    The possibility for a committed relationship is something which, in my opinion, men will carefully and analytically evaluate, before they propose it.
    So, if a man has asked me out I think he thinks “I would surely like to have S*x with you, and may be even a relationship with you, who knows”.
    I also think that men hate it when a woman is dating others because they know that dating is paving the way to S*x, which is what each of them wants, and they are worried that someone else will get there before them, and it gives them the feeling of urgency and competition, which they both love and hate.
    I am so happy that I am a woman and not a man 🙂



  108.  #108MissStix on July 27, 2015 at 7:58 am

    I, too, like being a woman. 😀
    Men are not quite as complex. I like the complexity inside me.



  109.  #109Mercedes on July 27, 2015 at 8:00 am

    Thank you so much for the warm welcomes! Oh my goodness it feels good to read all that! I didn’t get a chance to read everything but hopefully I can this afternoon. In glancing, I did read about babies and weddings though! YAY! Sending all my good vibes to you ladies today for healthy little ones and happy, happy, happy marriages!

    Update on me: J and I are still living and loving life together. We’re working on making the yoga studio successful (it has a ways to go, but we’re growing all the time). We did take a wonderful vacation together this summer….OMG…I needed that! It was truly amazing! Besides the studio, I work independently selling Younique cosmetics as well as essential oils. I LOVE having both of those products in my life, so I LOVE sharing them with others. It’s funny…I sort of have three jobs (technically), but I love them all, so… It’s all good! 🙂 J is still working his same job and helps me with the studio stuff when I need it, but mostly that part is what I do.

    Not much else going on. Kahanu (the yoga studio) keeps me super busy. I knew it was going to be a lot of work and I’ve always heard the “you work 24/7” thing when you own your own business, but I had NO idea. lol I eat, sleep, drink and breathe that place. It’s a VERY good thing my chosen profession is owning a yoga studio… As one of my good friends recently said to me “Yoga isn’t stressful!”. So…I focus on that and am grateful to be absolutely surrounded (every single day) by people who are happy and calm and…well…just working for peace throughout the universe. It’s a cool way to live! 🙂

    And I really can’t think of much else. I’m going to start working from home one day a week so I can focus on the administrative side of the business as well as on being a good leader for my teams in the different businesses I’m involved in. That’s going to feel really, really good. And maybe then I’ll be able to pop back in here more often and catch up with all of you! And maybe then too…I’ll get back into writing. I miss writing more than anything else, I think. I haven’t given it priority, so I don’t get much of it done…but that’s something I truly want to change!

    Big, huge hugs for each of you! Enjoy life. Enjoy today. Be blessed! And THANK YOU for the warm welcome! That feels soooooo good!



  110.  #110MissStix on July 27, 2015 at 8:03 am

    That’s exactly it: “I would surely like to have sex with you, maybe a relationship…Who knows.”



  111.  #111MissStix on July 27, 2015 at 8:09 am

    Mercedes,

    Long time no see! Best wishes in your endeavors 🙂



  112.  #112Azure Blu on July 27, 2015 at 9:05 am

    MissStix #106
    Nice reminder… just what I needed…

    “I need to keep gently reminding myself that’s not the point.
    I’m not relaxing because he told me he’ll get serious. I’m relaxing because it’s a good idea
    and I already knew I needed to before he said it.
    For my own sanity.
    I don’t want to exist very long in a state of tension and desperation.”

    I’m leaning back… being curious… and open to
    allllll the amazing male energy coming my way…
    BUT I AM ALREADY full!!!
    OF MY LOVE FOR ME!!!
    A man can enhance this… and the only way to discover if he is capable is to RELAX and be Curious!



  113.  #113Azure Blu on July 27, 2015 at 9:12 am

    Victoris #107
    You are making Good points here…
    This might be the tension I am feeling from my cds
    as we go to dates 2-4…

    The men know that men really want *s*x and yes, maybe a relationship!!! Even at my age!!!
    Thank you for bringing me back from my pollyanna thinking!!
    They are worried one man will get s*x before they get it!!! :-))

    I will practice relaxing…
    continue being open and curious… which will help them relax…
    I believe Rori has a very nice post on ME being relaxed
    which helps take the relationship out of the confused and anxiety realm

    Does anyone know where that post might be found?



  114.  #114MissStix on July 27, 2015 at 10:30 am

    I feel fabulous after doing a major purge of clothing! Everything old or ill fitting. I’m getting right into this 🙂
    Relaxing, cleansing, purging. Also supporting myself, breathing, sinking into my body.
    Mondays are just for me. It’s basically my sunday and j is at work. I have cheesy music on and i’m dancing through my day.



  115.  #115Azure Blu on July 27, 2015 at 11:16 am

    I found this while looking for the Rori post about me relaxing to lead to more emotional intimacy…

    From Rori:~
    “Truest vulnerability would say something like “I missed your presence last weekend.
    It feels so warm and fun spending time with you,
    and it would feel great to have more of that.”

    What would be true, authentic and vulnerable would be “I felt anxious when I didn’t hear from you.
    I felt triggered by my gremlins into making up stories. I don’t want to do that.
    I guess I was just covering up admitting how good I feel in your company
    and how at ease and soft my heart feels when I feel connected to you.
    I miss that.”

    “It’s difficult to just be yourself.  
    There’s always a little temptation to be a slightly enhanced, imaginary version of ourselves with fewer flaws and more amazing qualities.  
    We often struggle against the lie-the belief that others will like us more if we could just present a different, enhanced version of our true self.”

    “It’s mentally draining to be someone other than who you really are,
    yet so many of us struggle to let go and truly embrace our authentic self.  
    People throw around that term, “authentic self” quite a bit.  What does it actually mean?  
    I’ll tell you what I think it means, and why I think it matters when you’re dating.”

    “Your authentic self is the version of you that admits you’re trying to be better than you already are.  
    There’s no shame in that, and your partner will actually come alongside you in that meaningful journey if you let him.  
    You don’t have to do it alone. 
    Your authentic self is  willing to be a little afraid now and then.  
    It may have been cool to act like you didn’t care in junior high, but it’s not cool for grown-ups.  
    No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who is completely detached.  
    That doesn’t mean you don’t have fun, and relax,
    and “have it together.”  
    It just means he can tell some things matter to you,
    and you’re willing to let him comfort you when you get nervous about how those things are going to turn out.”

    “Your authentic self is also powerful and courageous.  
    You don’t have to pretend you are not a talented, insightful person, aware of areas where you have unusual gifts.  
    False modesty is just another barrier that prevents someone from truly walking alongside you in this life.

    “Your authentic self is  the version of you that emerges when you decide nothing is more important than being honest with yourself and others about who you really are.  
    From that vantage point, you are able to let another human being walk alongside you.  
    He feels encouraged to be his authentic self because “being real” is sort of contagious.  
    When you find another human being who is willing to embrace your authentic self, and his own, you experience a kind of bliss that is difficult to put into words.” 
    “Do you ever struggle with being your authentic self around men (or anyone else for that matter)?”



  116.  #116Lovergirl on July 27, 2015 at 11:24 am

    Thank you Indigo and Azure. I don’t feel like I am doing so well regarding S. We had some light conversation after I turned him down for the swinger party but I kind of cut it off and he took the hint. We haven’t spoken since but I know he went to the party because I saw several women commenting and some of his comments on the site. So I know he had sex with like 4-5 people this weekend, at least.

    I tried not to look but I just couldn’t help it. I feel left out and like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I couldn’t sleep last night and finally looked at around 4 am. My stomach has been in knots since then.

    I just feel betrayed. He hasn’t done anything wrong and he even asked me to the party but it still hurts. It makes me feel sick to think that maybe he is having so much fun I will just be forgotten.

    I’m also a wreck because this weekend a childhood friend of mine died. I hadn’t seen her in years and its one of those things where we were always saying we would meet up again but didn’t. To top it off, I learned about it from S’s ex-girlfriend, that I went to high school with. She worked with my friend, so she was the one letting everyone know on Facebook.

    This is not S’s most recent ex, but one he dated for about 5 years, back in his 20s. Anyhow, she and I have a lot of the same friends so S has also met my friend that died- he told me about it when we first met because they had all hung out and had drinks together the week before he and I found each other. He knows we are friends, I’m sure he has heard the news by now, but has said nothing to me.

    I spent yesterday with family and a lot of family things were brought up talking to my sisters and mom and grandma too. I’m just drained and aching inside. I just started my period too so hormonal and a mess.

    I’m supposed to see the Boring guy tonight. He’s getting us takeout and we are going to hangout but not have sex. Doesn’t sound that appealing to me but I said I would go.



  117.  #117Azure Blu on July 27, 2015 at 11:37 am

    ((((LoverGirl))))
    Ohhh… I am sending warm, soft blanket huggs and love to you…
    How awful to see that on facebook!!!
    I wish you could try NOT to look… but maybe it
    is better to see the reality…
    You are sooo BRAVE and taking tender care of YOU!!!
    oxoxo



  118.  #118Lovergirl on July 27, 2015 at 11:42 am

    Azure, thank you. I saw the swinger stuff on the swinger site, but the death of my friend on Facebook. 🙁



  119.  #119Azure Blu on July 27, 2015 at 12:15 pm

    LoverGirl…
    Such a sad and untimely loss of your friend…
    Much sympathy and healing thoughts and prayers!!



  120.  #120frannie on July 27, 2015 at 12:52 pm

    Hi ladies – hope you are all doing well. I have an issue that i’d like your opinion on.

    I met a guy online (Troy) and we connected instantly. We texted and talked on the phone a bunch before we actually met. Our first date was on my birthday (a little more then a week ago) and we went to a concert. We had a really good time. I felt really happy.

    The next day, we talked on the phone in the morning, and he told me he wanted to see me again. I was at my family’s beach house, and invited him to come to the beach with us. This was a big deal for me, as I haven’t had anyone to the beach with my family (and my son) for a long time. Again, we had a really nice day.

    I’ve been using my feeling messages, and I’m not sure if that is the reason he’s being so attentive, or if it’s something else. When leaving the beach house that night, he kept talking about when he could see me again. I was still feeling pretty high from our two dates, so I agreed to see him again on Tuesday night. He is a chef, so he was going to come to my house and make dinner for my son & I.

    Well on Monday, I found out some disturbing news about him. My friend had googled his name, and found out he had been in jail for 4 years. I confronted him about it (he said he knew when my friend said she had something to talk to me about that this was it), and asked why he hadn’t told me first. He SWEARS he was going to tell me on Tuesday when he came over for dinner. He said he didn’t want to tell me in a text (which I can understand), he wanted to tell me in person. He said he wanted me to go out with his first so I could see what he was really like now, that he’s not the same person he was all those years ago.

    It took a few days, but I decided to give him another chance. I really liked him and felt a really good connection with him.

    Fast forward to this past Friday morning. I pulled into the parking lot at work, and one of my co-workers was waiting outside for me. She had wanted to give me a heads up that there was a guy inside waiting for me, with flowers. I couldn’t imagine who it was, since I hadn’t told any of the guys I met online where I worked. I went in, and it was Troy. I felt shocked. I had no idea how he found out where I worked (he said it was on my facebook page and he looked up the address of the company). I felt really excited to be receiving flowers and a cute little book at work. I have never received flowers (let alone in person) at work before.

    After he left, two of my co-workers said they felt like I should be careful because this guy might be a stalker, and that he was coming on really strong. I ignored what they said, as I was still feeling pretty excited, and I didn’t want them to rain on my parade.

    Troy and I work pretty opposite schedules, but all weekend long he was texting me and calling me (tons of messages). I didn’t get back to him right away since I was at the beach and busy with my son and family. He kept talking about wanting to see me again and how he wouldn’t mind driving 3000 miles just to see me for 10 minutes.

    All of this attention feels very flattering, however I’m starting to feel a little smothered. He ended up driving down to see me (we live about an hour away from each other) on Saturday night after he was finished work. We went for a walk on the beach and then laid on a blanket for a while (and fooled around…lol).

    I can tell this guy is REALLY into me, but I’m starting to feel like this is too much too soon. I do like him, but I’m feeling smothered and pressured. Before leaving my house on Saturday night, he asked me if it was too soon for him to ask me to be his girlfriend (he already changed his facebook relationship status to “in a relationship”). I wasn’t really thinking and just blurted out “Yes”, that I would be his girlfriend. Now I’m feeling like it was a mistake.

    We made plans for him to come to my house tonight and make dinner for me & my son, but now I’m not sure I want him to come over. I’m not sure I want him to have my address…what if he just shows up at my house like he did at work last Friday? All of this has happened within the last week. (Our first date was on 7/18/15)

    I don’t know if this is all feeling like too much because I’ve always had to chase after other guys (well I didn’t have to chase them but I did) and I don’t have to chase Troy, or if this guy is just super into me and wants to have a relationship and be married immediately or what. I’m just feeling a little uncomfortable with the pace of everything. I don’t want to hurt this guy’s feelings, but I’m not sure I want him to come over tonight.

    He sent me 8 texts this morning and called 6 times (and left 2 messages) all before I went to work today. He says he sent the texts separately and they just all showed up at once because something is wrong with his phone. He also says he only called twice this morning. I don’t know what to do…

    I want to be in a relationship, but I’d like it to evolve naturally, not feel so rushed. I feel like I’m falling down a rabbit hole. Please help me!!

    Thank you!
    Frannie



  121.  #121Dixie on July 27, 2015 at 1:40 pm

    ((Lovergirl))

    I’m so, so sorry for the loss of your friend as well as all the muck of feelings around S. It sounds like you are going through an emotional wallop, not even including the pms.

    It must feel so overwhelming and shocking and sad, all at once…

    I am glad that at least you can come here to share, vent, and just release. For me, these boards have been the source of solace many times, and I hope you can find some comfort knowing that we are here to listen whenever you need, and send hugs.

    Sending huge hugs
    Xox



  122.  #122Sassy on July 27, 2015 at 3:42 pm

    Frannie,

    If it feels like too much too fast (and it certainly sounds that way), it probably is.

    Follow your gut/intuition, it’s never wrong. You need time to get to know someone to even figure out if you do have true feelings for them.

    Ask him to back up for a bit, take things slowly, you do have a child to consider. At the very least, he should respect that.
    Jmho…



  123.  #123Sassy on July 27, 2015 at 3:45 pm

    Mercedes,

    I’m so happy all is well and busy for you! Thank you for catching us up.



  124.  #124Sassy on July 27, 2015 at 3:47 pm

    Andrea!!!! Where are you, I miss your expressive voice. I’ve no doubt things are going very well for you, but it would be great to “see” you again here on the island.



  125.  #125Sassy on July 27, 2015 at 3:52 pm

    Azure,

    I love to see how you’re juggling all these men!!

    I’m not sure how you keep up with each one, I think I would be overwhelmed. It’s a good day for me when I remember my own name, lol.

    I hope you are giving them equal time so you can get to know them and decide if any or all are keepers!



  126.  #126Tereana on July 27, 2015 at 3:57 pm

    Indigo (93) – thanks! I feel misty-eyed reading your words ((I wish there were an emoticon for that..) I know you’re right, and I’ve known that, technically, for a long time. But I think I really needed to hear it from someone else…*thank you* it feels like a hug…



  127.  #127Sassy on July 27, 2015 at 4:03 pm

    Lovergirl,

    I’m sorry for your pain and struggling with S. I get the “not being able to resist” looking, I’m guilty of that too.

    It sounds to me as if S is keeping you on the “back burner”, in case you change your mind and decide to jump into the status quo that you and he shared previously.

    And I’ve no doubt, he counts on you looking to see if he’s going to the swinger parties.

    For your hearts sake, I hope you can find some relief and release of him, unless he brings to the table what you want from him.



  128.  #128Tereana on July 27, 2015 at 5:59 pm

    This! This article.

    I love how this is like a glimpse into a man’s approach to dating. And it’s not just about picking up women. And he admits that he *likes* it when women say “no.” In fact, he wahts to “out-no” the woman! (It’s like almost the equivalent of out-girl, I think). Men are so competitive. Lol

    But actually, that’s good. Hm, here’s what it makes me think…to let a man date us properly, we should state our “nos” unequivocally. That way it gives him something to “out-no” us about. (And we should “let” him win…which really means that we win, because we’ll have him basically “competing” in doing what’s best for us.) Ha!! I think, when I start dating again, I am going to have to practice this…

    http://www.jamesaltucher.com/2014/02/the-ultimate-cheat-sheet-for-meeting-the-love-of-your-life/?utm_ad=15856&utm_placement=32&utm_medium=15



  129.  #129Andrea on July 27, 2015 at 8:14 pm

    Sassy!! Oh my gosh! I haven’t been on the site for such a long time and the evening I decide to check in with everybody; there’s your post, asking how I am doing. That’s amazing.
    Thank you. I feel magical.

    Well I’ve moved into my new house in the down town area of my city. I’ve had visits from family members and been keeping busy with my very last project for college. I’m almost done, completely done with my degree. Just a few more revisions and I’m handing it in: perfect or not. I’m so ready to be done.

    I’ve not dated or been serious about any man since February. But I seem to be in some kind of sports element. When I worked at the hotel, I met a very young indoor league football player who became an extremely sexy lover for me. Exciting and young and ripped.

    Then, the very week that he left town, I happened to meet a friend of my neighbors; a young professional soccer player from Argentina. He lives in my state but not my city. He was visiting for about a week.

    The night after I met him, my sister and I were out at a bar, and we noticed him again. A few young college girls were flirting and talking with him. Both my sis and I noted that he was probably going to get lucky tonight. We thought nothing more of it.

    On our way home from the bar (we were walking) we passed my neighbors house and there was young Argentina on the porch.

    “I hoped you would pass by here.” he said. “I saw you two at the bar. I knew you were out and about.”

    He invited us in for drinks and hit on me the whole night. Young, fit, crazy sexy! I couldn’t resist. We spent the night together. And I thought, my goodness, it would be an absolute sin, at my age, to pass up this opportunity.

    This is not relationship stuff, I know. But what an ego boost. These young hot athletes are sexually attracted to me. Well, I figured it would be a one night stand, but he asked for my phone number and he has actually been calling me.

    Not texting…. calling! I’m surprised.

    Well, the only I can surmise is that is that it’s time for me to get back out into the dating game now. And take it seriously. Even though my ego was sorely bruised back in February when I found out my RRguy was married, I think I’m ready to get back on the scene.

    So, I’ve been working out again, eating right again, taking care of myself again. My new house has a huge claw foot bathtub which I’m so happy about.

    And that’s my stuff. Hah! No lack for sexual partners, but now I’m ready to look for true companionship.

    And now I’m going to look back at all the posts and try to catch up with what everyone is up to. Miss everybody! Here’s to our collective connecting Siren Song!



  130.  #130Andrea on July 27, 2015 at 8:23 pm

    OMG Frannie… Reading your post I feel like I am falling down a rabbit hole. Holy socks, he’s taking things way fast and it feels scary.

    I feel fearful now that if you ask him to slow down, he might put even more pressure on you. It feels like you know you want to put the brakes on a little bit. The question is, how?

    Oh I feel chills.



  131.  #131Lovergirl on July 27, 2015 at 9:13 pm

    Azure, Sassy, Dixie- Thank you.

    I just feel all torn up. I can’t cry. I can’t seem to bring myself to cry over anything anymore and its disturbing to me. Not my friend’s death, not S. I just feel a sickness in the pit of my stomach and my heart that won’t go away. It’s like I just can’t face any of it.

    Sassy- I don’t feel like S is keeping me on a back burner, he’s been consistently trying to get me to be fwb with him again. I’ve been holding strong and saying no, over and over.

    He may feel rejected over me not wanting to come to the swinger party with him though, and possibly angry or trying to get me back with all the comments on the site. He really did kind of go over and above with his comments to these women. He graphically described some of the things they did at the party and people usually just make vague statements when they are validating someone, they don’t say things like “she gives a great blow job” (which is one of the comments S made, among some other stuff like that).

    So its quite possible he WANTS me to see this. It wouldn’t be the first time he’s tried to brag to me about sexual exploits with someone else either. I hate to think he’d try to deliberately hurt me but he may be trying to rub in that he’s having fun without me, since I wouldn’t go with him.

    All the women at the party (I can see the list of who went) were married and the majority were over 50. It’s not like he’s going to get serious with any of them. I only saw one woman that was my age. Anyway, the women that I saw comment on his stuff were vague but HE made these super graphic statements, like he was trying to show off. I’m pretty sure if he had sex with 5+ women in a night that is a first for him and he’s probably very proud of that.

    I like to think that when he comes down of the temporary high of all that, I will hear from him again, but I really don’t know. I still feel like the emotional bond we have had for the past year should mean something to him that is worth more than casual sex. I hope I am right but maybe I’m not. I guess only time will



  132.  #132Lovergirl on July 27, 2015 at 9:13 pm

    Azure, Sassy, Dixie- Thank you.

    I just feel all torn up. I can’t cry. I can’t seem to bring myself to cry over anything anymore and its disturbing to me. Not my friend’s death, not S. I just feel a sickness in the pit of my stomach and my heart that won’t go away. It’s like I just can’t face any of it.

    Sassy- I don’t feel like S is keeping me on a back burner, he’s been consistently trying to get me to be fwb with him again. I’ve been holding strong and saying no, over and over.

    He may feel rejected over me not wanting to come to the swinger party with him though, and possibly angry or trying to get me back with all the comments on the site. He really did kind of go over and above with his comments to these women. He graphically described some of the things they did at the party and people usually just make vague statements when they are validating someone, they don’t say things like “she gives a great blow job” (which is one of the comments S made, among some other stuff like that).

    So its quite possible he WANTS me to see this. It wouldn’t be the first time he’s tried to brag to me about sexual exploits with someone else either. I hate to think he’d try to deliberately hurt me but he may be trying to rub in that he’s having fun without me, since I wouldn’t go with him.

    All the women at the party (I can see the list of who went) were married and the majority were over 50. It’s not like he’s going to get serious with any of them. I only saw one woman that was my age. Anyway, the women that I saw comment on his stuff were vague but HE made these super graphic statements, like he was trying to show off. I’m pretty sure if he had sex with 5+ women in a night that is a first for him and he’s probably very proud of that.

    I like to think that when he comes down of the temporary high of all that, I will hear from him again, but I really don’t know. I still feel like the emotional bond we have had for the past year should mean something to him that is worth more than casual sex. I hope I am right but maybe I’m not. I guess only time will tell.



  133.  #133Millie on July 27, 2015 at 9:13 pm

    Andrea! –I feel so happy seeing your wonderful voice! I am always thinking of you as well. Wow lady what city do you live in haha! I want to move there! jk

    Frannie– Wow…I’m wondering how old this guy is because he sounds in his early 20s. Having been in some fast moving relationships (albeit short lived) myself…I can say that there is a wonderfulness in taking things slow. I learned that while a man may make you feel glowing in the beginning, it does take time to really know if that attention is long lasting and coming from a deeper place. When a man asks me to be his gf so quickly, I feel as though I’m a fish being caught in a net, thrown over me before I have time to think. I would say, if your intuition is hesitating, there is good reason! Follow it!!

    Lovergirl–so sorry to hear your news. Big hugs to you xoxo



  134.  #134Millie on July 27, 2015 at 9:18 pm

    Ladies…so I reactivated my online profile this weekend…and I have over 100 messages and “he wants to meet you’s” already! ~Blush~ It’s nice to feel like a magnet again, with all these iron shavings around me, but I really do want to focus on being in my sirenness every day– so I can attract men while I’m out and about as well.

    I was watching Memoirs of a Geisha the other night and one of the quotes is: “A true Geisha can stop a man in his tracks with just a look.” I was thinking about that and wondering how can I make the most of each moment with a smile and my eyes. I noticed that I shy away most of the time…I wonder why I do that. I wonder what would happen if I didn’t…



  135.  #135Indigo on July 27, 2015 at 10:33 pm

    Frannie 120,

    Here’s the thing: The guy I’m seeing now, BikeCD, came on quite strong at the beginning… oh who am I kidding, he’s still coming on strong, but it felt good, not scary. And he always, always put the ball in my court of whether it was too much too soon. Quite early on I did ask him to slow down, I asked him to not contact me for 3 days, and he did it, no questions asked. No sulking. To me, his respect of my feelings is a big sign that I can trust him. I contrast this with other guys who have come on quite strong in that past, and when I try to put the brakes on because of my need for time or space to just process things, they had a huge sulk and tried to force their way. No, no and no again. Respect your feelings on this. His response to that will tell you a lot. But in my opinion, a guy who calls and texts 8 and 6 times in one morning would have me heading for the hills.



  136.  #136Indigo on July 27, 2015 at 10:44 pm

    (((Lovergirl))) I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I just hope you can extricate yourself from this situation, because wouldn’t it feel so good not to be in pain.

    Andrea! It’s so lovely to see you. You siren magnet you. Sounds to me as if you are still enjoying having fun and will get serious when you are ready 🙂



  137.  #137Indigo on July 27, 2015 at 10:53 pm

    So, last night BikeCD asked me, if he asked me to marry him when the time came, if it would make me run. I said well, when are you thinking of doing this? And he said 6 months to a year.

    This has never happened to me before.



  138.  #138Millie on July 28, 2015 at 12:06 am

    Indigo— I’ve been holding this back because I don’t want to rain on your parade or sound negative… But Hour relarionship with BikeCD sounds so similar to my relarionship with M. He said similar things about marriage and we talked about our timeline…. I just hope this man really means it when he and you and beings up these questions… I feel so triggered hearing your story. Of course I want to hear it and support your growth, but this feels so familiar to me… I hope it turns out differently for you.



  139.  #139Victoria on July 28, 2015 at 12:17 am

    Oh Indigo…
    When I first started dating F., in the first 3 months or so, we were at a bar talking about relationships and marriage, and he said very nonchalantly something like “If I asked you to marry me would you say yes” and I replied, equally non-chalantly “yes”, and then we continued talking as if it was nothing.
    I feel very slight pain, because my relationship with him is dying away. I am still seeing him, but I am seeing the other guy more frequently, and he is doing eveything BY THE BOOK. Initiates, pays, opens door, brings gifts, compliments me all the time, looks smitten, does not push me too hard, takes no for an answer, is always on time. Never has me guessing about anything. Strangely enough, F. has improved in this area as well. It is very ironic that now, when I no longer care, he is stepping up more. I still not have made a final decision what to do, but you know, having tried the good stuff, it would emotionally impossible for me to voluntarily go back to the anxiety and insecurity. I am not giving myself dead lines or timelines.
    I am very excited and happy for you! If you would go back and read some of your old posts about D. you would be in shock. Yes, I know, me too, about my stuff. How ironic.



  140.  #140Indigo on July 28, 2015 at 12:36 am

    Millie,

    I understand you feel triggered. And of course I do not know for sure, but my intuition tells me nothing is off here. Even if it is, you know what? I’ll be perfectly ok. I do not feel off balance in the least here.



  141.  #141Indigo on July 28, 2015 at 12:43 am

    Victoria,

    I feel exactly the same way. Probably more extreme than you because the way I feel with BikeCD versus how I felt with D is like night and day. Just like you so beautifully put it, I could never go back to that anxiety and insecurity.

    BikeCD does literally everything by the book as well. Not 75%, not 90%, everything. He initiates, he pays, he phones, he texts, he discusses the future, he opens doors, hugs, kisses, affection, little things, I’ve also not had to drive anywhere in the last 2 weeks (aside from my own personal stuff). He always asks when he can pick me up. When I mention how I feel about something he gets onto it immediately and sorts it out. Not 50% or 90%. 100%.



  142.  #142Indigo on July 28, 2015 at 12:45 am

    Millie,

    I would encourage you to look at this trigger in you and put some energy into healing it. If unexamined, it can lead you to project things onto others, and onto other guys. I know how tempting it is to think that because one guy let you down others will do the same, but be careful.



  143.  #143Millie on July 28, 2015 at 7:21 am

    Indigo,

    Your right. I’m Sorry I should not have projected my experience onto you.



  144.  #144Azure Blu on July 28, 2015 at 8:58 am

    Tereana…
    Love James Altucher’s post!!!
    These are some of the things I am doing
    while I am cding…
    It is giving MORE courage to continue on
    until I do meet Mr. Right!

    I have a first date with a new guy last night
    He was sweet and quite a gentleman…
    smart… volunteers for charities
    redoing his home…
    But his politics are completely opposite of mine
    and I had not remembered to ask this important question before we had a date!!!
    We almost stopped the date (I got fairly heated)
    But I calmed down asked if we could walk around the square (I hated to end on such a negative note)
    We walked to another outside cafe and talked more…
    he asked if I was interested in another date
    and I said I would really enjoy that…
    The thing is…
    He isn’t as physically active as i am and does struggle with weight…
    from the pictures it looks like his whole family does…
    Not sure that is something I want to deal with…
    and as James Altucher says…
    “Just say NO!!”
    That is NOT what I want!



  145.  #145Lovergirl on July 28, 2015 at 10:38 am

    Indigo 135- Thanks. The pain is a natural part of breaking things off with someone, I’d say. I wouldn’t expect to feel okay right now, really. It still hurts and it makes me question my decision not to accept less than an official relationship with him, but I guess that’s probably what he wants me to be doing right now. If I hold strong it may mean things come to an end permanently but if that’s the outcome, then its for the best.



  146.  #146Azure Blu on July 28, 2015 at 12:40 pm

    Andrea!!!
    Ohhhh… soooo lovely to hear your Warm,
    Siren song!!!
    oxoxo
    A magical man magnet that you are !!! :-))



  147.  #147Linda on July 28, 2015 at 5:13 pm

    I find myself rehashing things in my head about P. I am like an cow chewing her cud. I chew (think)… chew and chew (think some more) then feelings start to rise up. I talk out loud to myself about them. Sometimes I wind up feeling kicking- punching angry ! If someone heard me they would think I was nuts probably. Honestly when it comes down to it would feel great to just hall off and slap him across the face. Under all the layers of me at my core in my gut I am feel offended at him.

    What would motivate a person to tell you over and over for months and months how much they miss you and love you and want a chance to work things out and then make it impossible?

    When I cover the history between us… the only thing I keep coming up with is that he was never ever really available. When I stand back and look at it from the very beginning there was a theme of him sabotaging everything between us.

    It never occurred to me that an unavailable person would appear … say, represent themselves and available but the opposite is true.



  148.  #148Indigo on July 28, 2015 at 10:36 pm

    Linda,

    When you figure out the answer to this one:
    “What would motivate a person to tell you over and over for months and months how much they miss you and love you and want a chance to work things out and then make it impossible?”

    Let me know.

    I sympathise. D would tell me that he loved me more than anyone he had ever been with before, and how much he would have loved things to work out, and how I’d probably be living with him if they had. And then when I asked him how exactly that would work when he’s someone who requires days, sometimes weeks, when someone is not staying in his house (never mind minimal interaction, no, he requires there to be literally no one in the house). He said he wasn’t sure, but maybe if I had zero expectations of him? This is the kind of thing that would make my head explode and send me into cycles of endless, frustrating looping thoughts as I tried to figure it out. How someone could seemingly be so genuine in his feelings for me, and seemingly so want it to work out, and yet be so utterly unavailable at the same time.

    I think in the end I just had to walk away.



  149.  #149Azure Blu on July 29, 2015 at 4:20 am

    Linda & Indigo,
    I know what you are both saying…
    Because Spirit professed from the VERY beginning
    that he wanted a forever, committed relationship…
    what I didn’t understand was… he just didn’t want
    it right now…
    When we broke up I had shared what I wanted
    “Seeing each other 3-4 times each week, talking on the phone often and sleeping together each week.”
    “I was hoping that is what you want.”
    and then he disappeared for 2 months…

    This time I said to him “It’s ok if you don’t want the same in a relationship that I do… What you want isn’t right or wrong and what I want isn’t right or wrong… We just need to let each other know so we move forward with the truth!
    Sooo… he has been able to look closely at what He does want for himself… He does want to get married!
    he has a timeline of when He wants to commit,
    has partly to do with his daughter..
    BUT he does enjoy his bachelorhood!
    As long as I don’t ask for anything
    like seeing each other everyday, or sleeping together on a regular basis… NO commitment!
    He’s fine!!!

    Soooo… I know why Spirit thought it was ok
    to keep saying he wanted a committed relationship…
    begging me to STOP dating others…
    professing his LOVE!!!
    He wants all that… He just doesn’t want it now
    and he wants me to be ok with hanging out
    on HIS TIME SCHEDULE… :-))

    Sooo now that I understand… I will continue
    to CD others and
    look forward to the time I meet a man
    who wants to live together/marriage AND
    I am attracted to!!!
    Can’t wait…
    I am enjoying my dates… THey all sincerely DO want a forever relationship
    but sure would like to have what Victoria and Indigo have found!!
    But every day Is beautiful here up north… the summertime has FINALLY been warm and sunny for 3 weeks now,
    and I am loving it!!!



  150.  #150Victoria on July 29, 2015 at 4:44 am

    Azure,
    I think that, as a romantic goal, they want to be so smitten and passionate about a woman, that they could simply not resist wrecking their ship on her coast. I think Rori’s s got the image 100% correct.
    Azure,
    I think they want to feel it. They want to have the sudden flash of “she is the one and only”. This is a romantic ideal that is very hard for ordinary women to achieve, but with Rori’s tools it is almost doable.
    This is not in conflict with their desire to just get in your pants asap. They are auditioning us for the role of their Goddess just like we are auditioning them for Mr. Right.
    It is not unfair, it is just how it is.



  151.  #151Azure Blu on July 29, 2015 at 5:12 am

    Victoria…
    Yes!!! exactly…
    And I have 3 men who are wanting that
    right now… sincere, kind, men…
    Smitten with me from the beginning…
    but I’m waiting to get to know them
    better
    they all want exclusivity right now…
    and each one has wonderful qualities…
    I’m spending time to get to know them
    and see how *I* feel about THEM! :-))

    I have hidden my profile because
    it is getting overwhelming with all
    the online contact…
    This way I can pick and choose
    and contact men at my own pace…
    I have a large number of men
    who have indicated they want to meet
    so I have plenty…
    Just need to slow down a bit
    and enjoy the ones i have right now…
    :-))
    Victoria,
    How is your NEW guy?



  152.  #152Victoria on July 29, 2015 at 5:52 am

    Azure,
    Things got a bit complicated… I am not ready to tell yet, I need to process it in my head for a while, and then I will tell you.
    How about Spirit? Is he still trying to see you?
    I am sure he would hate to be part of a rotation, but you know what, men are even bigger suckers for romance than us (I mean this in the best possible way) and I think you telling him that he is the love of your life hit him like a hammer… he will never recover from this one.



  153.  #153Dixie on July 29, 2015 at 8:32 am

    Sirens,
    I’m not sure why I’m feeling this today but there’s this urge to document it here because it feels like a wave….

    I had a wonderful visit with D when I came back, and I was able to get my words out in a good way, and yesterday was my birthday, and it felt like… Sirens, something is bubbling up inside and it feels good and fierce.

    Somewhere fierce is where my heart is, feeling strong and free today. And I don’t want to feel hemmed in, fenced in, roped in.

    I’m not sure what will happen in 10 minutes, 10 hours, 10 days but I don’t care because I’m not worried. About any of it. I feel I’m reclaiming a part of myself.

    It feels today that I’m ready to tear the lid off Life. Just the purest stream of intensity and excitement about everything. And when I’m with D., I feel this feeling even more intensely, like a rush of excitement and anticipation. But my own doubts have been hemming me in….There’s been this growing dissatisfaction with holding back.

    And I know D. loves me the most when I don’t hold back, when I’m unfiltered and honest and fierce and scared, and somewhere, I lost that part again.

    Crashing on my own shores today, ladies, I’m crashing on my shores, falling in love with the rawest, purest, and fiercest part of myself.



  154.  #154Labbit on July 29, 2015 at 9:31 am

    146 Linda — I have been in your shoes so many times…and then I finally learned to give it up. Give up trying to figure out why things didn’t work out the way I wanted them to, analyze bits of a relationship over wondering why it went from so good to bad so quickly, or why a man said one thing and did completely the opposite.

    When I try to screw in a flathead screw with a Phillips head screwdriver, when I realize my error in picking the wrong screwdriver do I keep trying to screw the screw in? Do I analyze every bit of your process picking the screwdriver, wondering why this screwdriver that looked so perfect isn’t working the way I want? Do I keep sticking with the Phillips head screwdriver, hoping it will magically change into the flathead screwdriver I want and need? Do I beat myself up for choosing the wrong screwdriver? Do I make judgments about how smart, capable or talented I am based on my mistake of picking the wrong screwdriver, when all I need to do is go trade it in the box for the right one?

    It sounds pretty ridiculous, right? Yet this is what I would do with men, give the situation so much time and thought and energy, when really all I needed to do was move on and find someone who would love and accept me as I am…put the wrong screwdriver away and grab the right one. In the past I’ve given SO much power for my own happiness to men, to the wrong men. Men who are good but not good for me. Men who are bad but I want them to work anyway. Sunk costs in a man (time, effort, memories of the good times) cloud our senses and make our scarcity thinking kick in. It’s not real — it’s all paper tigers.

    The right man is out there, and every moment we waste thinking or worrying about the wrong man is time we don’t need to give to that wrong man. Available, not available…none of it matters. All that matters is our happiness and we deserve it, right now. 🙂



  155.  #155Lovergirl on July 29, 2015 at 10:25 am

    Im struggling something awful with missing S this week. Its been a week today since he asked me to that party and I said no. It seems like nothing will take my mind off of him. Im seeing RadioCD tonight but on my period so probably no sex. It doesnt seem to matter anyway, its like being with another man just makes me miss him more. I have this huge, gaping, empty space in my heart and I dont know how to fill it.

    How can I love myself and get through this? I still cant cry. I have a funeral to go to for my friend in a couple of days and I cant cry over that either. Maybe somehow, that will bring on the tears. Im just aching.



  156.  #156Azure Blu on July 29, 2015 at 1:10 pm

    Victoria #151
    now I feel intrigued!!! 🙂
    wondering what are the complications with new your guy and F…
    I know everything will work out…

    Yes, Spirit and I are still hanging out…
    We do have such a great time together
    Dancing at the german fest on Sat.
    and we won the trivia game at the bar last wed.
    so i’m meeting him tonight for trivia again…

    BUT I do have a kayaking date tomorrow with T-
    the guy I like…
    I was getting anxious and feeling overwhelmed because he kept talking about the relationship
    and we’ve only had 2 dates
    I decided to relax… let him lead
    and get into MORE receiving… :-))



  157.  #157Azure Blu on July 29, 2015 at 1:20 pm

    ((((Lovergirl,))))
    Missing is awful… I am sorry you are going thru this…
    Labbit made a really good point – a mirror for ME…

    ‘”this is what I would do with men,
    give the situation so much time and thought and energy,
    when really what I needed to do was move on
    and find someone who would love and accept me as I am…
    put the wrong screwdriver away
    and grab the right one. (no pun intended)
    In the past I’ve given SO much power for my own happiness to men,
    to the wrong men.
    Men who are good but not good for me.”

    “Do I keep sticking with the Phillips head screwdriver, hoping it will magically change into the flathead screwdriver
    I want and need?
    when all I need to do is go to the tool box and trade it for the right one?”

    You are DOING Sooo GREAT!!! I’m very impressed
    when I read how Much you LOVE YOU…
    Give yourself lots and lots of credit!!!

    I am NOT doing it at ALLLL… I continue to see
    Spirit… knowing HE is NOT the man for me…
    But I don’t want to stop…



  158.  #158Azure Blu on July 29, 2015 at 1:21 pm

    Labbit….
    Ohhh… how wonderful to hear from you…
    I LOVE what you are saying here…
    I have pasted and copied it!!
    to keep me on my path of
    ONLY accepting the right man for me…
    Thank you



  159.  #159Azure Blu on July 29, 2015 at 1:25 pm

    Lovergirl…
    all i can say is to continue loving your missing,
    love not being able to cry…
    literally wrap your arms around YOU and say
    I LOVE you sooo much LOVERGIRL…

    I like to visualize my children in front of me (or someone who really loves you) and visualize
    opening my heart like a flower as I look at them and receive alllllllll the love and kindness they have for me…
    I do this several times a day… changing who it is
    that I am receiving love from…
    It really fills me up to overflowing most times…



  160.  #160Femininewoman on July 29, 2015 at 3:45 pm

    Dixie 🙂 Happy birthday to you lovely siren:) 🙂



  161.  #161Sassy on July 29, 2015 at 4:54 pm

    FW,

    How is your hip recovery coming along?



  162.  #162Linda on July 29, 2015 at 5:14 pm

    Labbit : I get your analogy. I walked away from P a year ago June. I did a total shut it down and walked away. I felt relieved and directed all my energy on me and what I wanted. I felt happy and peaceful. I did not move on to another man or dating. There was not the slightest little part of me that wanted to hear from him or wish to be with him. When I heard from him I ignored him. A post card a card, text. I love you and always will.. would be the happiest man in the world things if…After a while I started wondering what if … so in February I agreed to an invitation to dinner for my birthday. We had a lovely time and there were other dates. I dropped my guard and opened my heart. I decided to receive and respond.

    I am not even going to list all the things he did to make it impossible to be together. He was laser focused on one thing. Being included and warmly accepted by my family. I mean it felt alarming! I almost sent him a message once to tell him that he should go shopping for a family that he wanted and hope that he liked the woman that went with it.

    Well I dont think there is an answer. I just want to learn from this and try not to be distrusting.

    I was actually toying with the idea of how nice a new and different mans energy might feel. I am close to posting a new profile, but I would like to try a new stream for fishing. POF might not be the right place to cast my line.



  163.  #163Andrea on July 29, 2015 at 5:30 pm

    I just got a letter in the mail that I was passed up for a job that I really wanted. That felt like rejection.

    Just like a man rejecting me. I felt fear. Why am I not good enough? I felt snoopy. Who got the job and why are they better than me? I felt jealous. That person must be more deserving, younger, prettier, more experienced, straighter teeth.. I don’t know. I felt rejected.

    I let those feelings come. I didn’t distance myself. I let myself feel rejected. Then instinctively I began to do that water wheel exercise. Let love flow onto me like waves of water being poured over my head, let love flow from me, and back around again.

    I feel trusting now. The right job, the right fit, is on its way. The right relationship scenario for me it also on its way.

    I feel a letting go of “I WANT!! THAT!! ONE!!!” Temper tantrum storm… even if it doesn’t fit. Letting go of my ego flair, competitive nature, blood boiling.

    Actually, I want to feel happy, excited, alive, safe, secure, receptive, peaceful, adventurous, free. Actually, it’s not THAT job, or THAT man, that I really want. Actually it’s a feeling I want to live.

    Now I feel smiley, and I feel motivated, to go for a jog, shower, squeeky clean, make a lettuce wrap, pour a glass of wine, and work a writing project. I feel that feeling I wanted to feel along.

    The job WILL come, I promise. The man WILL come, I promise. For now, I rest in joy.



  164.  #164Labbit on July 29, 2015 at 6:29 pm

    161 Linda — I remember when you did that, choosing to walk away from P! I hear you…I know that must not have been easy for you, and you handled it with grace and aplomb.

    It has been so helpful for me to split my relationship learnings into two paths. The first path is the No Beating Myself Up path. On that path it never matters what I did, or how I handled a situation. If a relationship has ended, all I need to know is that it’s over. I have read enough now to feel confident that there’s no sense in rehashing it, mostly because I can’t change the past but also because I am always growing, always learning new things, so there’s no reason to believe that even if I did do something “wrong” that I’ll repeat that action in the future. This path shows me that there’s no reason not to trust, because I will be a different person with each guy I meet because I am always learning and growing. 🙂

    The second path is the There’s Always Something To Learn path. On this path, I realize that I don’t know everything about relationships, nor will I ever know everything, nor do I need to know everything. (And as a girl with a perfection complex, this sometimes gets tough.) Anyway, on this path I am always open to learning new ways to conduct myself, to open up to the love around me, to learn skills and ways of being that support me in having a healthy relationship with myself and with Tender.

    This is the more fun path for me…for example, I’m totally into routine. I like kissing Tender every morning when we wake up, kissing him when we get home from work, cuddling for 30 mins before bed and then, well, bedroom stuff. 😉 Very recently I’ve begun experimenting with changing things up…being less predictable…not in all areas of our life together, but in enough so that there’s more variety. Believe it or not, doing this had NEVER occurred to me before I read about it. That’s just one light and fun example but there are others.

    It sounds like you did everything you could with P, and put your best foot forward. Time for the next adventure, no?



  165.  #165Labbit on July 29, 2015 at 6:50 pm

    157 Azure Blu — 🙂 It sounds like things are going wonderfully for you, I am happy to hear about all of your CD’ing developments.



  166.  #166Linda on July 29, 2015 at 7:05 pm

    Thanks Labbit ! I like to 2 path option. I am always open to learning. Yes I am a reformed perfectionist myself. I have learned to be much much kinder to myself and it feels so much better.

    Thank you for the affirmation . I really do feel I gave it my best. I have grown in my personal journey. Not one ounce of energy has been invested in beating myself up.. wishful shoulda’s or if’s. I don’t even miss him. He did not invest anything into me to miss.

    Ultimately I felt off balance with him from about 3 months into knowing him. I felt like a bouy bobbing around in a dark ocean most the time and I barely could keep my head above the water.

    Yep feeling comfortable and at ease sure would be nice. Routine and the option to mixing it up would be divine.

    Ok enough rehashing for me. I have looked at every angle and gleaned all I am going to glean. As the song goes… “let it go” ha!



  167.  #167Femininewoman on July 29, 2015 at 7:08 pm

    It is coming along well Sassy. Thanks for asking. Still a bit of pain and soreness here and there but coming along well.



  168.  #168Millie on July 29, 2015 at 7:26 pm

    Andrea– your words are so soothing and true. I always find strength in your posts. I’m glad you are back 🙂



  169.  #169Millie on July 29, 2015 at 8:35 pm

    Well I’ve been talking to lots of guys, gave my number to one but no dates planned yet. I miss M so much. Every day I think about him, I wonder what he’s doing, where he is. I want to talk to him. Every day, I want to talk to him. There was a newsletter in my email from Leigha Lake about the mistakes women make when a man withdraws. It burnt me like acid. Knowing I did it all wrong, being unable to take it back, have a second chance. How pathetic I am longing for another chance, seeking his approval. How pathetic I am for still wanting him despite reality. What do I seem from him really? Am I seeking validation of myself? Am I seeking forgiveness? I want it to be as it was.



  170.  #170Labbit on July 30, 2015 at 6:31 am

    168 Millie — It’s good to get this out…I see a big opportunity for you here at the same time. I realize that with every breakup comes regrets, I have been where you are and I’m not trying to minimize how you feel in any way. It’s possible to feel really sad, and have regrets, and wonder about possibilities with a man who’s gone, while at the same time using those strong emotions to attract in an even better guy. I saw that you reactivated your online profiles — yay! You’re on the road to great things ahead.

    What if you flipped things around for yourself? Instead of thinking of M as the man who holds the key to your happiness, that you have to do something to get him back…what if you used the power of all the good feelings you had with him to propel you forward?

    If I were in your shoes, every time I started to think about the good feelings I had with M, I would erase his face and start imagining my dream man giving me those feelings instead. I’d play out the fantasy of what days would be like with my dream man in detail, from the moment we awaken to the moment we go to bed. When I start to feel upset, I’d let those feelings rise for a moment and then ask myself, OK what do I need right now that I feel is missing? And then try to do that for myself. Sometimes around dinner time I struggle with whether I’m hungry or not, so I’ll ask myself do I want to eat? And then rather than rushing for an answer, I sit with it for a little bit and settle into my body, and the answer usually becomes clear in a short amount of time. And if it doesn’t that’s alright too.

    You are sitting on a tremendous amount of power for yourself — you know what you want out of a man, and that’s huge!!



  171.  #171Lovergirl on July 30, 2015 at 7:29 am

    (((Millie))) Missing someone and not understanding why they aren’t coming through for you, why they aren’t living up to the image you had of them in your mind, is so, so difficult.



  172.  #172Lovergirl on July 30, 2015 at 7:35 am

    Azure 158-

    Thanks. It’s good advice but I can’t seem to do it. I just can’t seem to comfort myself. I don’t really feel like I have, or have ever had, anyone that actually loves me, to think about. I love my kids but as far as them loving me, sure my little ones do, in a needy way. I don’t feel very loved by my teenagers. :p



  173.  #173Lovergirl on July 30, 2015 at 7:46 am

    I feel abandoned. I’m the one telling S I don’t want to see him, but it still freaking HURTS. It hurts to see him turn around and go do things without me. This is tearing me up inside.

    I’ve got a date on Sat night with someone new. Will see how that goes. I saw RadioCD last night and we had a nice time and mostly just relaxed. He’s a good guy but I don’t see a future with him. The boring guy still wants to see me. I just miss S terribly and am hurt that he isn’t offering me more.



  174.  #174Kath on July 30, 2015 at 8:36 am

    Oh Millie I so hear you!- I am sending you a huge hug!
    I too miss R like crazy!- and I miss all the good things about us- the family, contact with his kids and most of all the grandkids!- Argh!!!!-

    Last night I got home from work to find that he’d left some of his home grown veg outside my back door and when I text him to say thank you I welled up so much all I could think of doing was buying alcohol!- I was so upset and got so low that I just spent the evening drinking lager and beating myself up for feeling that way and acting like a lovesick kid. I even emailed all the kids and asked whether they wanted to be friends and I emailed him and asked him how he saw a friendship with me. I know it was nuts and I’m not surprised I didn’t get any response from them (or him) but I have probably started a family pow pow!!

    The thing is I don’t want to be friends with him and I know it would be impossible to be friends with the kids so I have to cut them loose- but that hurts soo much!- I KNOW I have to do it to make way for my wonderful future but its hard letting go.

    I also don’t want to be part of the hareem R has and I am fast becoming one of them so that needs to stop- so I will cut them all from my friends list on facebook and I will cut all contact, when I can muster up the strength to do it!- but it will be soon!



  175.  #175Azure Blu on July 30, 2015 at 8:48 am

    (((Kath)))
    I feel sad that you are missing R… and all family that came with him…
    I know that must be sooo hard!
    Keep posting and reading here on Siren Island!!!
    oxoxox!



  176.  #176Azure Blu on July 30, 2015 at 8:53 am

    Lovergirl #171
    Yeah… I see what you mean…
    I remember when My children were those ages…
    Not much love from my teenagers (if any!!!)
    and the babies did love me but mainly NEEDED me!!! :-))

    However when my children were 7-10 years they adored me!!! Do you have any that age?
    It really does help just to do it even if you don’t feel like it… it does help ease the pain after a little while…
    Quite magical…
    I do understand though… when I’m in the middle of missing and aching heart… NOTHING seems to ease the pain… except time…
    I’m excited to hear about your date on Sat.
    what does he do for a job… does he have children?



  177.  #177Azure Blu on July 30, 2015 at 8:53 am

    Dixie… Happiest of Birthdays… Siren!!!
    !!@3$%^&*!!



  178.  #178Azure Blu on July 30, 2015 at 8:55 am

    Labbit…
    How are you and Tender… I know you were struggling with grimlins for awhile…
    How have you managed to break through?



  179.  #179Azure Blu on July 30, 2015 at 8:56 am

    FeminineW
    Sooo glad to hear your healing is doing well!!



  180.  #180Lovergirl on July 30, 2015 at 9:24 am

    Thanks Azure (175)-

    My children are 15, 13, 11, 9 and 5. So there is one in that age range, lol. I know they love me but the teenagers, especially my oldest, can make it feel like everything I’ve ever done for them as a parent was completely useless. Obviously I’m not in a good mood right now so don’t take me too seriously though.

    The new guy, I really don’t know much about him yet. According to his POF profile, he is a “corporate professional” with no children. He’s 39.



  181.  #181Labbit on July 30, 2015 at 11:20 am

    177 Azure Blu — Yes, everything has calmed down considerably with respect to my gremlins. Tender is warm and adoring and we’re back to spending 5-6 nights a week together. Our apartment is going to be done in the next couple of weeks and Tender will be moving in there while I keep my place for now.

    I am going through a period of massive growth right now…it’s hard to even put it into words. I’m enjoying it and all the intimacy it brings. 🙂



  182.  #182Mandy on July 30, 2015 at 11:28 am

    Getting closer…seeing my psychiatrist today and asking him exactly how to dump an alcoholic depressed man…

    Gotta walk softly…and carry a big gun…:P



  183.  #183Sassy on July 30, 2015 at 5:26 pm

    Good luck Mandy, stay close to us, we are here for you.



  184.  #184Sassy on July 30, 2015 at 5:43 pm

    Lover girl,

    I feel for you. For the longest longest time I wasn’t able to really cry. I blamed it on my age and being in a post-menopausal state.

    But, a few months ago, when biker man and I started getting really close and I was face to face with this devastating fear of intimacy I have, I started really concentrating on figuring out how I felt about everything. I had never focused on my feelings before, I admit to being such a hardcore masculine energy person. When I realized how I was feeling about different things that were going on in my life, well suffice it to say, the floodgates opened. I cried and cried and cried over and about everything! It was like all my tears for the past several years just finally released.

    It will come back to you, most likely the more you think about it, the less likely it will be to happen. But it’s there, your body is protecting your heart and the huge shock and pain you’ve just experienced with S.

    Love and hugs to you.



  185.  #185Dixie on July 30, 2015 at 8:13 pm

    Azure Blu, FW – thank you for the birthday wishes! It felt so sweet to hear!

    I’ve not been able to comment too much – just in and out while helping my parents pack up all their stuff for the big move. But Lovergirl – it sounds to me like you are in the hardest, break-through part right now, and YOU HAVE BEEN DOING AWESOME!

    Of course it hurts! But I am so glad that you are posting here, feeling safe and trusting to open up. As Azure suggested, come here as often as you need when things feels yucky and you want to reach out. Reach out to us instead :)! And I’m happy that you had a nice evening as well.

    Over here, my parents have finally sold their house, and on my birthday, I went with my dad to look at a condo, and he said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if we found our new place on your birthday?” And, we did! I’ve been helping them sell their furniture now – what a massive task – and being in this masculine energy feels powerful and good. I love that I get to help them, and feel protective of them. There’s been a big of turmoil between me and my sister this past year, and on my birthday morning, after a phone call with her, I found myself weeping with hurt and anguish. I didn’t want to reach out to D., or any man, but I sunk into my grief, then focused on Mom and Dad, and – oh geez, I’m rambling, sorry!- it just felt so GOOD to be appreciated, and it was so easy to help them.

    Labbit, I loved your “two-roads” approach, btw. The second road seems more appealing to me too.

    Azure – you are so inspirational, honest to goodness. Hearing your voice is like a warm breeze

    Millie – just a giant hug for you. I know it feels so awful. I’ve been there LOTS of times, lol. For me at this moment, getting into masculine energy by getting into a colossal, wieldy project is helping to alleviate some gremlins, and calm my bouncing, unsettled energy this week.



  186.  #186Millie on July 30, 2015 at 9:17 pm

    Labbit–

    I’m so happy you responded and wrote what you wrote. You are so grounded, I love your idea of erasing his face and replacing it with my dream man. When I do that, I feel like a chest has opened and millions of beautiful butterflies fly out around me…because truthfully, I want more…and my dream man in my dream world can give me more. It’s so very painful, but I love your processing. The thing is…my dream man definitely encompasses a lot of M’s qualities…to the point where I feel like maybe I’m seeking to replace him…and then I feel bad…I even feel like I’m seeking someone who looks like him. And that hurts just as much. I’m sure with time, I will be able to be more open. I still have the urge to text him, to reach out, to ASK WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. Geez if men knew how easy it was to give peace to a woman, wouldn’t they do it?! I swear– I will never ignore someone, no matter how much I feel they are not a match. I want someone who makes me feel like he did. Like I was extremely rare and special, that I could do no wrong, he lived to please me, he sent me flowers at work for no reason other than I was having a bad day.. but I also want someone who is social, who talks open and freely, who isn’t so reserved. Anyway, I will try your tool…I have also been trying Victoria’s love letter’s to myself…but the Gremlins are stronger ahhhh. I’m so happy to read that you and Tender are doing well and your Gremlins have subsided. Yay to you!!

    Lovergirl– Thank you so much, I totally know you understand. Much love to you in your heartache and emotional troubles as well. XX

    Kath– Wow I can SO relate to this! how many nights did I drink and cry away my feelings….I have gotten over the messaging while intoxicated though. I find that I ALWAYS regret it, so if I feel the need to, I call my cousin who is always there to listen and talk some sense into me.

    Dixie– thank you so much for your heartfelt understanding. Your e-hug feels very comforting.



  187.  #187Millie on July 30, 2015 at 9:18 pm

    In other news– This ridiculously hot guy is messaging me– I feel super surprised by it–I have no idea if he is my type– but I’m going with it! AHHH



  188.  #188Labbit on July 31, 2015 at 4:10 am

    184 Dixie — That’s so nice to hear! Thank you. I may not have been entirely clear…I walk both paths at the same time. They’re like two highways that have merged to run together for me. It’s more about me mentally realizing that I can separate out my habit of beating myself up from the fact that there is always more to learn. 🙂

    185 Millie — Oh yes, that happens to me to when I try to replace a guy from my past with my dream man. Really, this is not such a bad thing to me. That your dream man is so close to M, that just means that you are getting closer to your dream man! So it seems only natural that your thoughts would keep drifting back to him…

    There was a guy I dated, I think about 6 months before Tender and I got back together. I was really skeptical about meeting Chris at first because from his dating profile he didn’t seem like I wanted at all and our messages back and forth to each other were fun but not amazing. But then once I started dating him I realized all the ways he fit what I wanted in my dream man. He was (and is! I’m sure) very masculine but not in a purely alpha way. Decisive, with a good internal compass and a clear vision of what he wants out of work and life. He was relationship-oriented and marriage-minded. Things I would struggle to talk about with other men, like exclusivity or timelines, he brought up on his own proactively.

    He has amazing consideration for women, such that it threw me off in a good way when we dated. He called to set up dates and he called in between dates to chat. He lightly talked about the future (where he wants to live, what he might name his kids, things we would do together) and hinted strongly about me being part of that. He chose excellent dates for us and our physical connection was quite good.

    So you can imagine my HUGE disappointment when after about 4 months of dating we realized that though we very much enjoyed each other’s company, our relationship wasn’t quite working. After C and I broke up I was incredibly mopey for a couple of months. There was a cycle in my head where I just kept thinking, this man is nearly everything I want and I STILL couldn’t make it work, what the heck is wrong with me? What does this mean? And it was very confusing to me that when I’d have fantasies about my dream guy, C’s head would keep popping in there, and it was depressing! I felt the loss of a very good man hard and it made my heart heavy.

    Now of course I have a different perspective. I see that although C was a really amazing guy, all that I needed to know from that relationship is that I was more than worthy of a good man, and I was getting ever closer to my own dream man. I could have skipped all the moping and beating myself up and depression that I sank into. I should have just thrown C up on my horse instead and taken him along with me as I went through my successive relationships, until the man (Tender) came along that made me forget all about him. I could have used the experience with C to build myself UP instead, which is the gift he was actually offering me. Which is how I think of him now…as a build-me-up experience. 🙂



  189.  #189Labbit on July 31, 2015 at 4:11 am

    Oh crud I realize I used his full name — oops! Oh well, I still have nothing but good things to say about him. Somewhere down the road I hope to be friends with C because he is a lot of fun and a strong positive presence, but that wouldn’t be good for me right now…



  190.  #190Sassy on July 31, 2015 at 4:35 am

    I am hurting, feeling sad, mad, bereft, hurt, my stomach is in knots. I think I’ve lost biker man. And this time I don’t know if I can come back from this.



  191.  #191Femininewoman on July 31, 2015 at 5:21 am

    Labbit you can write to Rori to have it removed



  192.  #192Azure Blu on July 31, 2015 at 8:34 am

    Sassy #189
    Ohhhh… lovely Siren…What happened?
    I thought everything was going so well with both of you?



  193.  #193T-Girl on July 31, 2015 at 10:57 am

    It has been so long since I have checked in but was great to see some old timers check in as well 🙂 It is hard to believe that I have been married to my guy for over a year now. We just took our “honeymoon” and spent a week in Costa Rica. I am in love now as much as I was when we met 4 years ago.

    Other than that, life is pretty much the same. Time to go catch up on posts 🙂



  194.  #194Mel on July 31, 2015 at 1:08 pm

    Wow, nice to see some other sirens checking in on this post!

    Feeling like I need to refresh my siren skills a little. I am doing too much lately and not making enough time for myself to feel feminine and girly and receptive. I am realizing how much energy the “boy” mode takes up… I feel exhausted.

    Miss Stix, your posts feel inspiring. I need to CD myself a little. Shopping… yoga maybe? Hmmm… that will feel nice!



  195.  #195T-Girl on July 31, 2015 at 1:53 pm

    Hi Mel! Hare you the same Mel who is with the architect? How are things going?

    I do know what you mean about “doing” too much. I try to even that out by also taking care of me which I NEVER used to do because somehow I couldn’t justify it. But now, I get massages and pedicures, and last night I took a gong meditation class. I’m not sure about that one yet though as I went with my friend who really likes it. Maybe I will give it another try. But even so, I take the time about “doing” things for just me as well.



  196.  #196Kath on July 31, 2015 at 3:13 pm

    Ooh Ladies I need to vent!

    R wanted to be friends- hence the veg delivery to my door the other night. So I sent him a text and asked him how he saw our friendship being-you know what his response was????- He said he thought it would be nice to have a laugh together and a joke, to help each other out, lean on a shoulder when we needed it etc. I am soo glad he wasn’t in the same room as me when he said that!- I ranted at him by text!- Told him that he was describing a relationship to me! and that is what I wanted!- I told him that I wasn’t about to be in his hareem. He said I wasn;t in his hareem, had never had one. I reminded him of the four women who he kept very close to him because he just couldn’t let them go and said there was no way I was going to be one of them. He then said I was going back 4yrs and that he had come a long way since then. I honestly haven’t seen any change in him at all!-he is what he is and I knew that for the very first time with him I was being authentic Kath. I was doing what I wanted and what I needed to do which is cut him out of my life and stop him seeping in whenever HE felt like it!-We had a text row for about 2hrs because each of us wanted the last word. His last lengthy text said that he knew I must be drinking because that’s when my nasty side came out. Truth is I wasn’t drinking, I was stone cold sober and simply speaking how I felt which he couldn’t cope with. He couldn’t accuse me of shouting either because it was all done by text. My parting text was “Game, set and match. Night, take care”. When I looked on face book earlier to delete him from my friend list-he’s already done it- well, that is is first!. How do I feel?- relieved!- I can now stop beating myself up and hug myself, love myself and move on to someone heaps better- he is coming my way I just know it.



  197.  #197Sassy on July 31, 2015 at 4:35 pm

    T-girl and Mel!!!! So good to see you lovely sirens here! It’s been a very long time.



  198.  #198Sassy on July 31, 2015 at 4:58 pm

    Azure,

    I wish I knew what had happened. We had been doing soooo well (tis what I felt and believed). A few weeks ago we had a fabulous day, all day. Then I didn’t see him for 3 weeks for various reasons and I was not happy about it.

    When I finally got to see him, our time was cut short and he just didn’t seem to be into it, the same thing happened again this past Wednesday and I left feeling hurt and angry.
    We’ve texted somewhat since then but they’ve been one word answers from him. We have business dealings to work on that even those are being cut short.

    So I’m going into lean back mode, but that is soooo difficult for me to hold out for very long. I am the first to admit I’m controlling and masculine energy (he actually is feminine energy) but I think on some level we both try not to be. With my extreme introversion and high sensitivity, on top of working at home, I tend to be very in my head because I spend so much time alone. I know I need to occupy my mind with other things, and keep it off of him.
    I feel like I did before when we were together but just not as close as we had gotten this time. It feels like he’s slipping away, feels bad and scary.



  199.  #199Millie on July 31, 2015 at 7:30 pm

    Labbit 187– Thank you so much for sharing your story about C with me. It resonates SO MUCH with me and M and how I felt and how he was. How did you pull yourself out of the depression?



  200.  #200Millie on July 31, 2015 at 7:42 pm

    So the story so far with SuperHotguy is this… I looked at his profile first and up at the top there is a disclaimer he wrote about how he won’t meet anyone more than 15 miles from him “no matter how hot you are.” Well, that was off-putting and I am over an hour away from him, so I did nothing. Well, he messaged me and wanted to meet. I teased about the 15 mi thing and he asked if I would come down and meet him! I said No and asked if he’d be open to meeting halfway. He agreed to this and we started chatting. Oh the insecurity that is raging in me…how this hot man could possibly be interested in me…I felt so surprised at this. Well, I don’t like to send selfies. I don’t like taking them at all because although I think I’m attractive, they don’t represent me well at all!! This guy didn’t ask for one, but he was sending me some of him, so I decided to conquer my insecurity and send one as well. Once I did I felt insecure that he wasn’t going to think I wasn’t pretty anymore…which is silly I know..because the pictures on my profile are me and aren’t photoshopped or anything. Well, today the conversation was still flirty, but I didn’t feel the reassurance I was hoping to feel. He suggested maybe he would come to my part of town next weekend..which sounds great, but I couldn’t help the sinking feeling in my stomach that he said “maybe” and that he has no intention of meeting me and is just putting it off. Anyway, point is I’m not having good luck with online dating this time around and I feel super insecure. Usually getting dates is easier…ugh.

    In other news, Mechanic is a good friend. He helped me out with a car issue I was having the other day. Stopped what he was doing and made some calls for me. He’s sweet sometimes.

    Other than that I am feeling frustrated with the two guys I manage at work. I feel like they aren’t on top of it and they make my job harder not easier. I don’t want to have to do my job and theirs. It’s really annoying, but I’ll have to figure out a solution to that.



  201.  #201Indigo on July 31, 2015 at 11:47 pm

    Sassy,

    It feels like your situation is sooo understandable, that you would be feeling the way that you do. Having a man gone for 3 weeks when you just feel like you are getting on track would rock anyone to the core. I remember feeling like this so many times in my relationship with D. And I would say this is a classic sign of a commitment-shy/emotionally unavailable man… when you have a close, intimate, good time together they pull back. Am I right you have been on and off with this man for a few years? Again, another sign of a not very emotionally available man. In my experience anyway, there is nothing to fix and not much to do… even all the leaning back in the world will only do so much. He is only able and willing to do what he is able and willing to do, and you simply need to decide if you can accept/live with that.



  202.  #202Millie on July 31, 2015 at 11:55 pm

    “All the leaning back in the world will only do so much. ” great point Indigo!



  203.  #203Sassy on August 1, 2015 at 5:14 am

    Indigo,

    Thank you. You are 100% on point with your comments. I have recognized for awhile that he’s emotionally unavailable (and truly, I am too), it’s just that things were so different this time around. Yes, leaning back will only do so much.

    I did have a huge breakthrough moment this morning while I was laying in bed and, of course, trying to figure out what went wrong yet again. I just am not real sure how to “fix” it. It goes back to my childhood (no surprise there), and my mom. She used to say certain things to me that really scared me into having such a deep fear of abandonment and rejection and I never felt that I was good enough.
    So, of course I choose relationships that will relive that with the attempt to redo and feel loved and cherished.
    Anyway that’s where I’m at.
    I’m choosing to concentrate on me, taking care of me, spending caring time with me and trying oh so hard to convince myself and learning to love me. Cuz truly, how can I possibly expect anyone else to love me if I don’t love me?



  204.  #204Indigo on August 1, 2015 at 5:53 am

    Sassy,

    I get it. Honestly, that is the reason I chose a man like D… or at any rate, why I kept going back to him. I was emotionally unavailable and I knew it. Truthfully, guys who were too emotionally open scared the bejeesus out of me. Having a guy require something of me emotionally meant that I would have to make myself vulnerable, that I would have to give up my need to control, that I would have to confront my flaws and challenges and tender spots, and I just wasn’t willing to do that. There is nothing about my time with D that I regret, it was necessary.

    But being with a guy now who is available, commitment-orientated, emotionally open and wanting to please me, makes me realise just how much I was holding back before, just how little I was settling for, just how much I was trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. And you know, it scares me, but I can’t go back. Being with a guy who adores me and wants to be with me means that I have almost zero time for rehashing what went wrong with me and D and trying to “fix” it. Nothing to do, nothing to say, just leave the pieces where they are on the floor and move on.



  205.  #205Labbit on August 1, 2015 at 6:23 am

    198 Millie — I’m so glad it did. I really feel a kinship with you and the experiences you are having, all of the growing you’re doing right now and the ups and downs that come along with that.

    I wish I had a better answer for you, but the reality was that I had two short horrible relationships after C, the second of which was the final straw that led me to seeking out help…and I found Rori.

    The deeper answer is, to me, coming to believe in your heart that you don’t need answers to why a situation didn’t work. To keep moving forward and knowing that although you don’t know when, the man of your dreams is already out there. (In fact, MANY men who fit this bill are. There isn’t just one…it’s a matter of finding them is all.) I have learned over the last couple of years to be sanguine about dating…EMK has this great metaphor where he talks about how the BEST baseball players still get out 7 out of 10 times they come to bat…but if they focus on all those almost-home runs, or the times a player made a diving catch, or the bad strikeouts, what does that do for them? Nothing. The best players forget about the bad and focus on the good. And for us it’s much the same. Forget about what feels like failure, and focus on all the good things around you. That makes a space inside of you to keep noticing all the good things…and then more good things come to you. 🙂 Life isn’t all ups or all downs, it’s a mixture of both and while we can’t control what happens in our lives we can very much control the meaning we give events, the message we take from them.

    The Tao of Dating books were eye-opening in this respect, as I mentioned before the author wrote one version for men and one for women. In the men’s book he talks about ALL the same dating issues women experienced, but for men too: women who simply disappeared during a relationship without a peep or a reason why; women who used men for sex and then dumped them; women who treated men awful yet the men were emotionally attached and had a hard time breaking up from these emotionally unavailable women, etc. As I read these I realized that men experience all the same dating tribulations we do…and yet we think we’re broken somehow and these things only happen to US personally. We’re not broken. We just weren’t a good fit with these people.

    I would say constant pep talks, treating myself as well as I can, finding events that I can attend both for my own enjoyment and because the kind of men I’d want to be with is there, that’s what I would focus on in your shoes.



  206.  #206Labbit on August 1, 2015 at 6:33 am

    These past few weeks I’ve become more interested in developing my sensuality, finding ways to become more accustomed to inhabiting my feminine energy regularly. I feel that I’ve spent so much time as a young adult developing my masculine energy, because I graduated college deeply in debt so my life goal became paying off those debts as quickly as I could. Yet I spent very little time developing my feminine energy qualities, and now I feel more than ready to pay just as much attention to this wonderful, powerful side of me.

    To that end I’ve been practicing a lot of the exercises in Dominique’s e-book, which I adore so much. I also just finished a marvelous book that was a quick read — “The Sensuous Woman” by J. It’s a book from the late 1960s I believe, not available in digital form but I was able to buy the paperback on Amazon. I read it yesterday evening while I waited for Tender to come home from work, and by the time he got home he came in, kissed me, and said, “Whoa. Something is different about you tonite, and whatever it is I REALLY LIKE IT.” And then we played a fun game where he tried to guess what it was (he kept guessing physical things — different hair style or different perfume or body lotion, it was quite funny).

    Although I feel very vulnerable when I surrender deeply to my sensuous self, I’m also seeing fabulous results in how Tender immediately accesses his heart and opens up to me in marvelous ways. I know this is a touchstone of Rori’s e-books and programs as well, but I’m not sure I really understood what sensuality meant until now. I see that it does have a sexual component at times, in owning my sexuality and not being afraid to share that part with Tender by telling him when I feel turned on and such. There is also a deeper part that’s about soaking up everything about a moment and sharing THAT. For example yesterday it rained here, and when Tender and I were cuddling I was engaged in my sensuality telling him about my experience laying on the bed, listening to the rain hit the windows and the roof (in feeling messages of course). He responded by telling me about how it felt riding his bike home from work, and what he really likes to do during and after rainstorms. I felt like he really shared a deep part of himself with me, and I’d shared something deep and vulnerable about myself with him. I told him that I felt vulnerable and he squeezed me gently and then shared one of his vulnerabilities so we stayed level. I felt SO CONNECTED to him afterwards, on a much deeper level than I have recently.

    I am learning that it’s my role in the relationship to deepen our connection…and it’s very fun learning how to do it.



  207.  #207Labbit on August 1, 2015 at 6:47 am

    Oh, I also wanted to share a funny anecdote I read recently in one of my recent reads, I can’t remember which one though at this moment. This anecdote helped me shift my beliefs about how it is possible to become someone I didn’t believe I could become, i.e. a Goddess or a Siren or feminine energy woman, etc.

    A student goes to his wise teacher and asks him how he can become enlightened. The teacher says “Go in that room over there and meditate about a cow. Just think about a cow with unwavering attention.”

    The student goes into the room and meditates. For a day. For two days. On the third day the teacher becomes worried about the student. The teacher asks the student, “Aren’t you going to come out?”

    The student says, “I would, but my horns won’t fit through the doorway.”

    You get what you focus on.

    🙂



  208.  #208Lovergirl on August 1, 2015 at 7:42 am

    I went to the funeral of my old friend yesterday and I still cant cry. It was interesting and nice to see some old friends and talk to people. I feel sad, but unable to really FEEL enough to cry. I am too numb. I haven’t cried since S took that woman to a party. Its like I cant really access my emotions anymore.

    S’s ex girlfriend was there and had obviously been bawling her eyes out. I didn’t talk to her at all and felt kind of bad because I don’t think she has a clue I even know S. I dont know her that well but she half smiled at me like she might have wanted to talk and I didn’t say anything.

    She was there with someone that I think is her dad and seemed a little out of place. I was worried about being like that myself because its been so long since I have seen a lot of the people there. Plus, it was mostly black folks and me and S’s ex and her dad plus maybe one or two more white people, lol.

    I had lots of people to talk to though because I was friends with a whole group of girls that were close to my friend that died plus my sister has a son with one of her cousins and he and his family were all there and know me. So I felt almost guilty for ignoring S’s ex.

    Anyhow, in an interesting twist of events I ran into this guy that I knew in high school but never dated or slept with. He asked me out for dinner after the funeral and we talked about my friend. He had been hanging out with her a lot recently and I suspect they were having sex. He was actually at the concert I went to recently with the Boring guy and sitting not far behind me. I jad seen his videos on Facebook recently and made a comment. Also, one of the guys I talked to on Tinder was a mutual friend of his and had asked him about me.

    He claims he had a crush on me all through high school. He asked me if I would be his girlfriend! I was like “maybe” but said it was too soon to make that decision. Anyhow, long story short we ended up in bed together.

    I was thinking maybe he was just saying all that to get me in bed but he clearly wants to see me again. Right now, he is promising me the moon and stars. He works for a car dealership and says he makes 6 figures. He goes on vacation all the time and claims he wants to take me on one. He says he will get me a new car and I dont have to pay him back.

    Im a little skeptical, but he is a nice guy and was always well liked. Hes always been cute and was one of the star football players in school. He played for a team in Australia for awhile after we graduated and got paid, I think it was some sort of minor league type thing. He has always had a stocky football player build but hes even bigger now. I think he used to be shorter than me but hes taller now.



  209.  #209Mandy on August 1, 2015 at 8:23 am

    I feel stuck, so I’m trying to keep myself busy.

    I am getting my ducks lined up in a row. J is not on my lease, for my apartment, so he can be asked to leave and it won’t be a problem; I am getting insurance and an important document in the mail so as to protect my rights as an apartment renter and make sure I’m squared away so he can’t hold anything over my head or manipulate me when I ask him to move out. I am even going so far as to take photos of my apartment before I break the news to J about wanting to be friends. I do not expect him to take it well, and he may go off the deep end; I have warned my family, friends and psychiatrist, and they are all on emergency call to come get me or see me ASAP, since this will be happening soon.

    Yes, I’m scared of him. One time he wanted to talk to his ex, and she wouldn’t speak to him so he broke her apartment window because he was so mad he punched it, and he sat there and waited to be arrested and spent the night in jail and took anger management courses.

    Anyone have any advice on how to make it as smooth as possible? I mean, is my safety more of a priority here rather than using feeling messages, or are feeling messages going to keep me safe?



  210.  #210Sassy on August 1, 2015 at 9:39 am

    Mandy,

    Statistically speaking, THE most dangerous, potentially life threatening time for an end to a relationship is when the person (I’m not pointing out women specifically because it can be dangerous for men when they try to leave an abusive partner), is ending or leaving the relationship.

    You may want to set up a TRO beforehand and/or ask for police presence to escort him out of the building.

    I would suggest that this take place when he is sober.
    Stay safe.



  211.  #211Mandy on August 1, 2015 at 5:33 pm

    Sassy,

    Yes, I have protocol in place.

    My doctor suggested I leave him a letter, pack an overnight bag and stay at my parent’s place, and take the cat with me, so he can read it and freak out on his own, with me not in the place. I do risk him tearing up the apartment, but not me personally, that way.

    If I have to call the police I have made it so I can do that without having any trouble myself.



  212.  #212Dixie on August 1, 2015 at 7:57 pm

    Sirens,

    I want to push ReadyCD away with both hands.

    We are supposed to meet on Monday, and I said I was happy to leave the planning to him :). He asked/texted when he could call before then, and I said tomorrow would be nice. Then he said that he would “let [me] call [him]”.

    (That felt like a bit of pressure, since he’s the one who wanted to call…..)

    I said that it might be more fun to catch up in person on Monday, since I’m helping a friend move tomorrow. Then he said it would feel better to talk beforehand to avoid any awkwardness.

    Sirens, I am exhausted already by this. He then said that I could call tonight, since he would be awake late. I waited, enjoyed my evening, then responded that the offer was nice, but tomorrow felt better.

    I don’t know if this is him pushing me, or my fear of getting close. All I know is that I am feeling very pressured to talk, call, etc when seeing him Monday feels perfect right now.
    It’s been too much texting for one night, for me, at this stage.

    Any insight would be welcome.



  213.  #213Dixie on August 1, 2015 at 8:06 pm

    Mandy,

    I know you’ll be safe, but please can you keep us posted as you go through this?

    For me, your personal safety trumps the feeling messages. It sounds like he might react violently but it also sounds like you’ve planned this out with your safety at the forefront.

    Is there anyone that can accompany you when you visit the apartment to take the photos, leave the note, etc?

    It would feel reassuring to know that you won’t be at risk being alone with J.



  214.  #214Tereana on August 1, 2015 at 8:46 pm

    Lovergirl, so sorry to hear about losing your friend!

    Mandy – I think it sounds like a good idea but to be alone when you ask J to leave. And you might need to get a restraining order (not that they always work), because he knows your house well, and it sounds like he’s probe to violence against property at least. I don’t know. I’m not an expert. This sounds like a terrible situation.

    I propose you get a man friend to be there when you tell him. He might be more calm in that situation (or not).

    And also this: it’s possible the fear is worse than the actual thing when I happens. But you really don’t know. I would say, stand your ground. And don’t worry about feeling messages. Your safety is the priority…



  215.  #215Emerson on August 1, 2015 at 8:52 pm

    My heart goes out to Monica. I feel admiration for her bravery to hold her head up high and speak about her story. She sounds intelligent, sensitive and genuine. Bless her.



  216.  #216Tereana on August 1, 2015 at 8:53 pm

    Ladies, I’ve been missing V a bit lately. NO word from him at all. For a couple of months, now. In fact, I wonder if he changed to a different email or something.

    Anyway, I’ve thought a lot of things. If we’re honest, it was me who told him I wanted to “see other people.” So I told him I was leaving (sort of). Then he decided to stay. Or I knew he was deciding that anyway, through his actions. And he didn’t seem to care that I was going to see other people. And there are several things I can remember that make me think that really he’s not such a big loss, after all. There were things about him that bugged me, which I chose to overlook. But they made me seriously question how much, or even if he respected me at all.

    In any case. That’s long gone. I’m just processing the last dregs of feeling as I get ready to inevitably date again. This has been my longest hiatus (guyatus;) in a while. Partly because I’ve been feeling so terrible. And when I’m not feeling terrible, I’m just feeling blah, and not all that excited about my life.

    I need to try something new. I haven’t tried it yet though.



  217.  #217Emerson on August 1, 2015 at 8:57 pm

    @ SLV from last string…sorry for the late reply, thank you for sharing with me about Lana Ebershoff’s blog motto:

    “The right pair of shoes can change your life.”~Cinderella
    lanaindiana.blogspot dot com

    🙂
    xoxo
    Emerson



  218.  #218Emerson on August 1, 2015 at 8:58 pm

    Hi Mercedes I see you at #1 the first post to this article 🙂 Nice to see your name 🙂



  219.  #219Emerson on August 1, 2015 at 9:02 pm

    Hi Tereana,
    Sorry about V. I miss Recycled sometimes but I also feel happy that I have no contact. He didn’t “care” either….at least not enough.

    I hear what you are saying about feeling blah …..I do sometimes feel as if the magic sparkle has faded from my life…I just go to work and go home. I do “fun” things but it doesn’t feel the same anymore.

    I hate to say this but I feel that for me it’s due to a complete lack of romance or loving attention from a man. I start to feel really lonely and blue about it. I am happy with myself in general and love my job.

    But I crave that one on one attention and inside jokes and affection and time together….not thinking about achieving or work or what activity to sign up for to “meet people”….I miss just being with someone and having it happen naturally…..and flow….

    Thanks for letting me vent sirens….It’s been on my chest for a while feeling this way….



  220.  #220Emerson on August 1, 2015 at 9:05 pm

    I feel like I’ve been stuck and repeating myself with this same dialogue for a while now….

    I need to remind myself that only I can control changing this and I can create a new feeling and reality for myself….I created the one I have now.

    It just feels so HARD to recreate the magic ….does anyone know what I’m talking about here? I’m not talking about literal magic….more like the sparkly feeling of life that i used to have when I was younger, and / or in love….

    a feeling of optimism and possibilities….now I struggle to find that….



  221.  #221Lovergirl on August 1, 2015 at 10:47 pm

    It’s just after midnight and I got a call from S. He wanted to know what I am doing and I said I am in bed. Then he said he was just calling to tell me that he is deleting my number from his phone, that he thinks its best. He said he isn’t doing it to be an asshole but that otherwise he knows he is just going to keep calling and texting me randomly and won’t be able to stop himself. I just said “ok” and “ok” and “ok” and hung up. Ouch. 🙁 I’m both baffled and hurt and maybe a little angry. Like, why is he drawing this out like this and calling me just to say that?



  222.  #222Millie on August 2, 2015 at 3:05 am

    ((Lovergirl)) as much as that was so painful to hear and speak with him, I’m glad he had the balls to call you and tell you what he needed to do for himself. That communication is really important and it shows his character.



  223.  #223Linda on August 2, 2015 at 8:00 am

    Lovergirl. I guess if I had gotten a call like that I would have said . “Seeing how things are and that they are never going to be different between us… I think that sounds great. Goodbye”.

    Clearly S has several qualities that you are looking for in a partner but he is not interested being the person to fill them for you. I think he has been very clear and consistent in his communicating that to you. Perhaps you could consider focusing on the qualities and you want and not HIM. He is not the only man who out there with those qualities.

    There could be an absolutely awesome man right in front of us and we can totally miss it because we just don’t have eyes to see him or more importantly a heart to receive him. I believe that S is only a precursor test model to what you will find only in with man who wants everything you want and not just the bits and pieces that suit him.

    Make a list of what you want and how you will feel when to have it. Try focusing on that and see how your heart blossoms and what it invites into your life.

    I am rooting for you. xo



  224.  #224Rori Raye on August 2, 2015 at 10:59 am

    Lover girl, just sending you love… Rori



  225.  #225Rori Raye on August 2, 2015 at 11:00 am

    Linda, what an awesome comment! So many of you are amazing — have you ever thought of being a professional coach? Love Rori



  226.  #226Rori Raye on August 2, 2015 at 11:05 am

    Emerson, hi, I know that when the day-to-day things start to wear me down… And I feel like I’m in this place of just superficial coping… I have to really completely reverse course … change everything I’m doing… Focus myself completely in a different place… And then the magic doesn’t come back … I just realize sort of instantaneously that it was here all the time. And I was just not noticing it. Love, Rori



  227.  #227HeartBeat on August 2, 2015 at 12:18 pm

    I feel so frustrated and curious!

    What do we ‘do’ when we feel disgusted or uncomfortable or angry or lonely in response to something a man is doing for/bringing us??

    He brings me flowers- I feel tense and uncomfortable, anxious even disgusted by being given flowers (by anyone)

    He gave me pink jewellery once, I felt so flattered and delighted that he’d made such an effort, he took this as a big hit and bought me MOUNTAINS of pink jewellery- I don’t like pink jewellery at all.

    He called me (I feel THRILLED when he calls me)- at 2am. I felt so disappointed and angry

    I feel frustrated and embarrassed with this displeasure.
    I feel so silky and soft when he comes forwards.
    With this though, I feel so tense.
    I don’t want to pretend I like something that I don’t.

    How do I communicate my preferences?
    I feel afraid.
    I feel worried that communicating that I don’t like something he has done in such genuine good efforts is the same as ‘blaming’ him or making him wrong?

    Am I putting how he might feel above sharing my feelings authentically? Am I leaning forward- am I managing?



  228.  #228Liquid Light on August 2, 2015 at 12:19 pm

    I went out last night to a party and had a blast. I’ve been working a lot and have been spending a lot of time with my family and really felt like I wanted to have some summer fun. The house was amazing and there were a ton of people there. I got a lot of attention. Shortly after we walked in, a man approached us and as it turns out its a man I met over a year ago at a singles function. I didn’t recognize him at all. He actually looked a lot cuter than I had remembered him. He wouldn’t leave my side the whole night and we danced a lot. It was exactly what I wanted to do. We even slow danced. Hahaha…I don’t think I’ve done that since high school. It was fun and kinda sexy.

    At one point though I went to use the restroom and when I saw him again, his breath reeked of pot. Not so attractive but still a great night.



  229.  #229Liquid Light on August 2, 2015 at 12:40 pm

    Lovergirl 221: It strikes me as a bit odd that someone would call you to tell you that he’s deleting your number. A bit ironic. I wonder how much of it was to get a reaction? Just a thought but even so, it is still a bummer and certainly is not a mature way to communicate.

    (((((((((((((Lovergirl)))))))))))))))))



  230.  #230Indigo on August 2, 2015 at 12:59 pm

    Heartbeat,

    “How do I communicate my preferences?
    I feel afraid.
    I feel worried that communicating that I don’t like something he has done in such genuine good efforts is the same as ‘blaming’ him or making him wrong?”

    In my opinion, it is not the same as making him wrong. In my experience, the best way is to communicate this gently – take his hands, look into his eyes, tell him you love how thoughtful he is and how much he wants to please you, that you absolutely love getting gifts, but that you would prefer xyz. Honestly I would half-lie to spare his feelings and say that you loved what he got you, and that in future it would feel so good to get xyz. When it comes to gifts genuinely given I just don’t think there is a way to disapprove of them. In my belief, graciousness here is always a good thing. And yet you can still be honest whilst sparing his feelings.



  231.  #231Sassy on August 2, 2015 at 1:28 pm

    Lovergirl

    My thoughts are the same as Liquid Lights’.

    It’s not necessarily the time that he called you, but the fact that he called to specifically tell you he was going to delete you from his phone. To me, that looks like a strategy to get a reaction (such as you asking or even pleading for the relationship to go back to the way it was), and still allow him his pride.
    I believe he’s hurting and misses you but he won’t allow himself to give you what you both know you want.



  232.  #232Sassy on August 2, 2015 at 1:32 pm

    Beloved…where are you???

    Kyla, really miss seeing you here!

    Turquoise, hope you’ll pop in and bring us up to date.

    And Mandy, check in when you are able, I’ve no doubt we are all holding our collective breath to know you are ok.



  233.  #233Millie on August 2, 2015 at 2:03 pm

    Labbit– I love hearing about your progress with Tender and seeing your role as one to deepen the relationship. I love that! I also am enjoying hearing about all your new reads! I am such a bookworm myself and am interested in looking up all of your suggestions! I feel a kinship with you as well and it doesn’t surprise me that your two relationships in between Tender and C didn’t go well. I can only imagine that was a time for your to repair yourself, as I am doing now, and Tender’s timing worked out perfectly.

    It’s been an interesting weekend. Let me first talk about Mechanic– Oh Mechanic–I am so happy in our friendship! I love sharing our ideals and discussing integrity. The other night I asked him what kind of man he sees me with and he actually brought a name to this man. Lets call him T. I have never met T, but the following night T sends me a friend request. I can only imagine it was Mechanic’s doing. So all of us went out sat night and T also came later–I actually really liked him and thought we clicked, but he didn’t ask for my number or anything, so not sure he was into it. I actually felt a sting of rejection that he didn’t ask me….but I took a deep breath and let it go. Anyway, lately I feel so taken care of by Mechanic. It’s like he swoops in and tells the bartender I can have whatever I want, just put it on his tab, and when my ride wanted to stay later than me, swooped in and said “you’re coming with us.” I really love how this has all played out with him…he sees me for me…and while we both know we aren’t the right person for each other..it has really led to a beautiful friendship. At least I think so.



  234.  #234Millie on August 2, 2015 at 2:07 pm

    Oh I forgot to mention– I jokingly asked T what Mechanic said about me– a huge smile came across his face and he said that Mech spoke very highly of me. It warmed my heart to see the reaction on T’s face as well as knowing the respect Mech has for me and how he is using his masculine energy to make me happy..even if it is with someone else.



  235.  #235Linda on August 2, 2015 at 2:13 pm

    Rori.. Being a coach is something that would fit with my overall life gifts and personality. I have not ever considered it though. I feel pretty unqualified though, especially when it comes to the area of romance because I don’t have a successful relationship.

    Perhaps I have some beliefs that are limiting and cause me to box myself and disqualify myself and I shouldn’t.
    Certainly food for thought though on many levels. 🙂



  236.  #236HeartBeat on August 2, 2015 at 2:26 pm

    Thanks Indigo, that felt good to read 🙂



  237.  #237Linda on August 2, 2015 at 2:31 pm

    I especially appreciate your taking the time to mention this to me. I feel greatly complimented ! Thank you so much.



  238.  #238Linda on August 2, 2015 at 2:54 pm

    Today is my youngest daughters 26th birthday and it is also my youngest grandsons birthday. We had a small family get together to celebrate. She has had issues with milk for years and becomes ill with everything dairy except for butter. When it comes to foods, especially desserts there is always some sort of milk as an ingredient.

    As a hobby/side business my daughter makes special occasion cakes and cupcakes. Everything from scratch no mixes etc. She never eats any of them because of the milk in them. She is always baking for others. Today I surprised her with her own dairy free birthday cake. Everything from scratch and decorated it. She was expecting cake made from donuts… She asked me if I would help her make it and I said… Well, perhaps you might enjoy this… and presented the slightly imperfect cake to her. She got tears in her eyes… said “MOM you made me my own special dairy free cake?!! I have got to say that all the research I did paid and effort was so worth it. And to top it all off the cake tasted pretty darn good too.

    My gift was watching her enjoy cake and the hug that followed.



  239.  #239Beloved on August 2, 2015 at 4:50 pm

    Sassy – I have been living my dream life 🙂 3 jobs I love, working with great people who are so fun to be around that the day just flies by.
    Home situation feels pretty stable if not entirely joyful and satisfying, and I’m busy appreciating what I have while visualizing and practicing the feelings of what would feel better.

    Nothing on the dating scene, I feel more clarity about what I really want to be creating in that aspect of my life and wouldn’t it be wonderful if, now that I’ve admitted my heart’s true desire, it comes along very quickly and easily?!

    I’m really just happy, happy, happy. I feel all kinds of stuff all of the time…pain, frustration, struggling, tension, awkwardness, and at the same time, it’s all permeated by this vast swath of peace of happiness. All day long I love and bless whatever I’m feeling.
    I’m doing what’s in my heart to do.



  240.  #240Zia on August 2, 2015 at 5:13 pm

    I have to say that Rori’s tools aren’t just great for relationship stuff. Last week I was suffering from incredible anxiety, not over anything specific. Had a number of panic attacks. And during that time her tool for dropping thoughts down into the groin area has helped me so much – along with the tool for touching things and feeling them (eg soft cushions etc). Both of those really helped me get back into my body and calm me down. And I was using them a lot because whenever I’d stop I’d go back into panic mode.



  241.  #241Zia on August 2, 2015 at 5:14 pm

    So, thank you Rori for giving me tools that I can use in many aspects of my life 🙂



  242.  #242Azure Blu on August 3, 2015 at 6:03 am

    Beloved…
    Ohhh… so good to hear from you!
    You sound amazing…
    *3* jobs you love!!!
    and calmness on the home front!
    You sound very joyful!
    oxoxo



  243.  #243Azure Blu on August 3, 2015 at 7:21 am

    Zia…
    I too have been feeling an unexplainable anxiety
    welling up for the past week…
    Now that i am typing this it might be the Full Moon…
    Me my mind, heart and body are very much affected by the moon… especially when full!!

    And, like you, i started using the basics with Rori’s tools… dropping the feeling down… holding onto
    the edge of the table… feeling the smoothness with my fingers… concentrating on the NOW… what I smell, what i hear what I see right near me…
    and “poof” I get clear with “Me”…
    When it comes back I do the same thing…
    putting the “love potion” all over me…
    Thank you Rori for the wonderful tools!!!



  244.  #244Azure Blu on August 3, 2015 at 7:28 am

    Sirens,
    With all this Cding activity
    I waffle back and forth between
    the joy of meeting new men
    and feeling overwhelmed with meeting
    so many new men!!
    When I relax and open up my heart to
    their generosity of time with me, buying the food and drinks… sharing their feelings and stories…
    I get more calm… and receive all of this…



  245.  #245Azure Blu on August 3, 2015 at 7:31 am

    Linda…
    Such a VERY loving, thoughtful gift you gave your daughter for her birthday!!!



  246.  #246Azure Blu on August 3, 2015 at 7:37 am

    Sassy,
    How are you and your man doing?



  247.  #247Azure Blu on August 3, 2015 at 7:38 am

    Liquid Light…
    Sooo glad you were able to take a break from your hecktic job schedule
    and enjoy a little summertime fun!!!



  248.  #248Lovergirl on August 3, 2015 at 8:36 am

    Hi Rori! Thank you!

    Millie- thank you and I do think S has good character. I still feel unsure about his call.

    Linda- It probably would have been best if I reacted like you say but I ended up breaking down and crying. I texted him to tell him I will respect his decision but that it felt painful and deeply disappointed. He responded by saying he feels sad too and that I am a very special and sweet person.

    THAT kind of pissed me off and I told him I felt angry to hear that I am “special” but not see the action behind it and that I feel like he has complete control over this and acting like a victim and passive about it was a turnoff. He said he knows he has control and that is why he is making this decision.

    Anyway, from there I ended up calling him and we talked for awhile. During the conversation he said that it wasn’t true what he said about not feeling affection for me and that he does have feelings for me. We talked again about that time he took someone to a swinger party and he said that when I had called him upset she was there in the car already and that was why he was short and unwilling to talk to me.

    He said I seemed to be getting over him and I said I am trying. I told him I saw his ex at the funeral and he said he had just seen her the other day and told her about me. He said they looked at my Facebook page and she said she didn’t remember me (she was a year older in high school and I didn’t really know her, just know who she was). So at the funeral, she did know that I had been seeing him. Also, I have him blocked on Facebook, so they must have been looking at hers, we have something like 80 mutual friends.

    It drives me crazy that he goes around telling everyone about our relationship but then refuses to acknowledge it as a “relationship” to ME. Oh, he will say now that it was basically a “relationship” but of course no commitment.

    I got upset about the deleting thing- it just hurt me even more and I reacted (which, I will say now it very well may have been a strategy to get me to react, like some suggested, and it worked). I had been doing well until then but it made everything feel so final and it just felt awful to hear.

    When we talked he said I had seemed like I was moving on and I said I was trying. He made a couple comments about me seeing other men, kind of digging around but I didn’t really tell him anything other than that I had gone to a concert. He asked if it was a “date” and I said sort of though it was with another couple.

    He asked if I saw MY ex at the funeral (a guy I dated long ago, that I haven’t seen in 20 years but S has met him and knows I used to be in love with him so he always brings him up). I said I didn’t and he wanted to know when the last time I saw him was, and acted shocked that it had been so long (despite me telling him this multiple times before).

    Anyway I got off the phone and we texted a bit more. I was upset about him deleting me and asked if he had meant what he said before about being there for me in an emergency. He said yes he would always pick up the phone or answer if I called or texted but that he just was doing it to stop himself from being tempted to call me.

    I told him some things about how much love and affection I had felt for him the last few times we were together and he said that made him feel really bad for not wanting a committed relationship with me. Then I said that when he took that woman out it made me so angry and betrayed that I never wanted to feel like that again, that I was afraid in that moment, of what I could do and proud of myself for getting it under control.

    I said its too stressful to feel like that over someone, that I feel like reassurance that I am number one to a man would make me feel much better and safer, that I want to feel loved and special and appreciated for being me.

    I left it at that and we haven’t communicated since. I guess now the challenge is to get back on my horse and keep going. :/



  249.  #249Lovergirl on August 3, 2015 at 8:49 am

    Liquid Light and Sassy-

    Yes, I would say, in hindsight, that it may very well have been to provoke a reaction. It worked and he had me all leaning forward and getting upset over him and definitely got what he wanted if it was validation that I still care. I’m kind of mad at myself for saying all that I did but I was a mess of emotion.

    I think I ended okay though, because I still held strong that it is not what I want, an uncommitted relationship. Unfortunately he still seems to be holding strong that he doesn’t want a commitment. :p



  250.  #250Lovergirl on August 3, 2015 at 8:52 am

    Linda-

    Also, about finding those qualities in another man, maybe. My heart still just feels so much for S that it is hard to open up to someone else. Ive never found the things I have found with him with anyone and I don’t know how likely it is but if he doesn’t want a commitment I am going to have to look elsewhere.



  251.  #251Indigo on August 3, 2015 at 9:12 am

    Lovergirl,

    Let me tell you, S *doesn’t* want a commitment, and you *are* going to have to look elsewhere. And I know how confusing that feels, believe me. All the same feelings you are having and questions you are asking had me off balance for years with D and it just leads you to a very bad and emotionally unstable place.

    I also remember thinking, over and over again, why, if D had complete control over all of this, he was acting like such a passive victim, as if all this had *happened to* him. It’s hard to understand a non-committal man coming from this viewpoint. Until you understand that, yes, they do have control over this. They have a choice. And they CHOOSE an uncommitted life. They *choose* no partner.

    Getting the rest of my life on a balanced footing, especially having a man who was solid and stable, and didn’t have me asking millions of questions day in and day out, and didn’t have my emotions all over the place, has made me see things so much more clearly. I was never really capable of a reaction I could be proud of with D because I felt so off-balance. I didn’t feel like myself. Now that I feel healthy and solid on the inside, I see him for what he is and I don’t ask these questions any more. I think in time I may even be capable of a kind of friendship with him – but being emotionally entangled with a man who has no intention of providing you with that commitment and stability is just – how do I put this without being dramatic – emotional suicide. At least it was for me.



  252.  #252Labbit on August 3, 2015 at 10:09 am

    Lovergirl I completely agree with Indigo. I also admit to feeling deep frustration — not at you but on your behalf — every time I read one of your comments that you feel like no one could possibly stack up to S. Don’t get me wrong, I totally understand the feelings underneath that sentiment, but it’s a total lie. I’m not saying S is not a good (or even great) person. I am saying he’s not a great person for you. This is the trick of a toxic relationship — there are enough good times mixed in with all the pain that we end up grasping to regain the good times and not remembering all the crap we put up with, far more than is worth those few good times. The only thing keeping any thread of connection between the two of you right now is that neither of you will let go. When I read your comment about him calling you to say he was deleting your number, what popped into my mind was him giving you the gift of closure. How many times have we been here bemoaning a man who just disappears on us? I have, for sure. He chose to communicate his choice, and I thought that was kind of awesome — again, a sign that he is a good person, even if you two aren’t right for each other. You are a good person too! Don’t you deserve happiness, fulfillment, SAFETY in a relationship? S doesn’t want to give you any of that. It’s a square peg, round hole.

    When you go to the grocery store, it’s not like there is one apple or one pear or one avocado or whatever. If the store happens to somehow be out that day, they restock. There is plenty of everything and we get to pick the ripest ones for the keeping. No one tells us we can’t have the best except for US. If I keep my mind focused on one man and how only that man can give me happiness, my mind works to bring those circumstances into my real life. So even when there are great men around me…I can’t see it because my mind is working overtime to prove that no other good men exist. The reality is there are more than enough good men to go around. Good men FOR YOU. And the sooner you believe that, the sooner everything changes and gets better.



  253.  #253Labbit on August 3, 2015 at 10:21 am

    244 Azure Blu — Discomfort is a sure sign of growth. 🙂 I love how you are able to keep bringing yourself back to being relaxed, receiving their time, attention and efforts.

    I can remember having difficulty with two main things when I was CDing lots of men at once:
    – first, I liked to time after work to decompress and shift back into my feminine energy, but as I got to know these men more and they wanted to talk to me more, the sheer number of them as well as the frequency at which they wanted to talk to me made it hard for me to take the time I wanted to get into my feminine energy. Especially when some of them texted me during work hours! Eventually I got to the point where I’d start tantalizing men to call me after work instead, which gave me time to unwind. And I’d limit myself to texting back once during lunch break and once at the end of the day, with the most appealing conversations continuing in the evening…
    – second, when a CD got dropped from my rotation, no matter whether he decided to go or I decided to let him go, it always knocked me off-balance a bit. There’d be that short period where my gremlins would scream at me about how inadequate I was. In this case I also started creating space for myself, either telling men that I was so happy to hear from them but feeling so wiped out, could we pick this up tomorrow? Or I’d tell them that I was going out of town on business for a day or two and would really love to hear from them when I got back on x day.

    You’ll find little tricks that work best for you, and it also becomes clear so quickly which men are stepping up when you have many to choose from. 🙂 You can treat them all very well and still lean back, letting them step up to claim you!



  254.  #254Azure Blu on August 3, 2015 at 11:04 am

    Labbit #253
    Thank you for your encouraging words
    and for sharing how you handled dating
    multiple men…
    Very helpful!!
    oxoxo



  255.  #255Lovergirl on August 3, 2015 at 12:26 pm

    Indigo & Labbit-

    Thanks. I get what you are saying and I know it seems like there are a million men out there, but I have met and dated and slept with MANY of them and have yet to come across anyone that FELT as RIGHT to me as S. He says all this stuff about not wanting commitment, and obviously right now that is true. I’m not completely ready to wave my white flag because I haven’t gone my 8 weeks without speaking to him and its still in the realm of possibility he could change his mind.

    He waffles on a lot of things, like he says he doesn’t feel affection for me and then turns around and says he really does. He says we weren’t in a relationship and then turns around and says we really were. He says he doesn’t want a baby with me, then is sad afterwards and says he was secretly planning to buy a big house over where I live and that the best thing about it all was that he would have got to be around ME the rest of his life. Then, he gets me pregnant again and repeat… There have been times I have gotten upset with him and he acted like I had no right to be mad, then afterwards told me that he actually felt like it made him respect me more, that I called him on those things. He says he wants to get married and have kids someday, but yesterday and other times he has told me he doesn’t know if he EVER wants to do that. He contradicts himself a lot.

    Its all confusing but I get that he really doesn’t quite know himself what he wants right now. The only thing for me to do at this point, is move on but I still love him and I still haven’t completely closed the door. I feel okay with that, and okay today about stuff between he and I. I’m not crying, I’m not sitting around waiting, I’m not accepting anything less than a real relationship (though I am okay with an open thing, or swinging, and we talked about that again yesterday). I will continue to date other men and see what is out there but I am still open to him if he makes a different choice.



  256.  #256Emerson on August 3, 2015 at 1:37 pm

    226 thank you Rori for the reply, it feels nice to read your message.

    I like what you said that the magic was always there….
    And I feel curious what to do to completely change course and focus, as you suggest?

    As I type I’m thinking of how I can approach things differently ….



  257.  #257Sassy on August 3, 2015 at 3:43 pm

    Beloved!

    I feel absolutely giddily thrilled to read your response!!!

    You are an absolute inspiration to the siren family.

    Love it love it love it!



  258.  #258Sassy on August 3, 2015 at 4:02 pm

    Azure,

    Thank you for asking…I really don’t know where biker man and I are. I went into absolute panic mode on Saturday because he was giving me one word answers and he knows how much I hate that. So I stopped texting and then he called me yesterday and told me he was in a neighboring state and that he would tell me everything that is going on when he gets back. Since I am partially deaf in one ear and am losing the ability to pick up certain words when on the phone or if someone is speaking in a lower tone, I wasn’t able to understand when he said he will be back. I get tired of always asking people to repeat themselves (my mom has the same problem), and I know it’s frustrating for me to ask them to, so I let a lot of conversations go.
    He texted me once today but I was too busy to continue.
    I guess I’ll just have to wait and see when he gets back to find out what is happening.
    I did tell him that I’ve been feeling so anxious and freaking out about the past few weeks. He just said in his deep, calming voice that he knows and he will tell me. I felt better after that. At this point all I can say is “to be continued…”



  259.  #259Zia on August 3, 2015 at 5:04 pm

    Labbit #252 and Indigo – agree with both of your comments.



  260.  #260Tereana on August 3, 2015 at 8:14 pm

    Emerson – 219 & 220 ~ I do totally get what you are writing about. And thank you for putting words to those feelings. It very much describes how I’m feeling also. I did – very briefly – get a glimpse of Magic and excitement when I thought I was moving to go to school. And then I didn’t…

    There was an article I read recently, which is maybe a bit like what Rori was saying. It was about finding magic and purpose inside the everyday rituals we do. It spoke to me and made me feel better. I also crave the excitement of a new person, a new relationship. But I also don’t want to look to that to “fill” the gaps I perceive in my life. I want it to add to my life. And even in the best relationships, after the honeymoon phase is over, it becomes about the small and mundane and routine. And this isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

    Is this making sense?

    Life, relationships…maybe we can’t conjure that magical feeling the same way that came naturally to us as kids, when we were in the exciting “honeymoon” discovery phase of life, when everything was new and amazing. We know stuff now. We’ve seen it before. And maybe the real magic is inside all the little “normal” things we do…



  261.  #261Tereana on August 3, 2015 at 8:18 pm

    It’s ok about V. It really is. It’s been a couple of months now, and I just needed to vent those last feelings. I get attached to stuff. I get attached to people. Letting go feels good, but it doesn’t come readily. I’m glad he’s not here, not present. That would make it harder.

    But anyway, I keep thinking there HAS to be someone better for me. Because he’s not here. So there just has to be…and I’m getting ready to meet him…



  262.  #262Millie on August 3, 2015 at 8:59 pm

    Labbit 252– I completely agree with as well as felt that S letting Lovergirl know he needed to delete her number was a gift and in my opinion it was mature and communicative. I know other sirens disagree, but that was him putting a boundary for himself and letting her know. And having experience a disappearance, I would value that kind of closure as painful as it is.



  263.  #263Millie on August 3, 2015 at 9:08 pm

    I did something really stupid this weekend. I was at a party at a hotel, which happened to be next door to the construction site M was working on. Seeing it, I felt SO triggered! I’m so TIRED of feeling triggered by this man. IT’S EXHAUSTING, but I can’t seem to beat it. I texted him. Not a lengthy or dramatic text. Just..I’m sitting here looking at this and wondering what happened…I didn’t ask anything and of course he did not reply. I feel like I’m wringing myself out, twisting this inside me so tight, it keeps twisting and knotting. I’m so tired…. it’s like my body won’t let me forget it. How do I feel about it now? I don’t regret it. It doesn’t even matter. He feels like a stranger now, nothing left… If he were in front of me…I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I would just shake my head. Maybe my feeling this hurt and horrible was a choice. I couldn’t have chosen to not be hurt, but I don’t know. I really see now…that it’s the relationship I miss, not HIM. I don’t even know him. I only know that it felt great to receive daily attention, reassurance, showered with compliments and the waterfall of love just pouring over me without me having to lift a finger. I want that again. But ever rejection stings, no matter how little. UGH



  264.  #264Azure Blu on August 3, 2015 at 10:06 pm

    Sassy,
    I’m so glad you have heard from Biker!
    and that he has said he would explain things…
    and you feel comforted…
    If my man said that it would be comforting for me too!
    oxoxo



  265.  #265Azure Blu on August 3, 2015 at 10:11 pm

    ((((Millie))))
    darling, sweet Siren…
    to me… texting M is NOT a mistake…
    you don’t do this very often and there will be a point when yu won’t…
    please don’t beat yourself up for having feelings and wanting closure…
    everyone here understands and
    I certainly understand…
    it amazes me that he couldn’t
    You certainly deserve it!
    I think it is good that you know the parts of him
    you do want in your Mr. Right!



  266.  #266IamHis on August 4, 2015 at 12:56 am

    I feel livid & sad. Livid bease I allow people to treat me like a piece of sh1t. Sad because of that, too.

    I really don’t get this concept of loving yourself. It’s been a long time since I have when I reflect on it or try to remember what it might have felt like.

    It felt good, I remember.

    It felt really powerful, & I remember my mother seeming to feel a mixture of awe and jealousy during that rare window in my life. & I loved it…it felt like “you can’t make me feel bad about myself anymore.”

    It’s so hard to love the parts of me that are tired…no, exhausted with defending myself…my moods, my mistakes, my beliefs, my decisions, my choices….

    I feel so tired of defending myself and I feel attacked out there in the world…by not just one, but both of my parents…who I live with like a helpless failure…

    It feels really hard to love myself when I’m so, not just financially, but emotionally dependent.

    & everything I could or should do to “love myself” feels either expensive or not enough to fill me up.

    At this point, I have absolutely no desire to put myself out there to strangers.

    Why would I when I will only receive crappie reflections of how I’m treating myself?

    I don’t feel safe at all…out in the world or even inside my own body.

    I feel like screaming and crying…

    How do I fix this?

    I’m sick of being taken advantage of, talked to like I’m dirt by absolutely everyone…



  267.  #267IamHis on August 4, 2015 at 1:02 am

    I feel “too nice” & I feel mute…like I have absolutely no idea how to speak up…I feel scared of my rage…

    I want to know why I feel so unworthy of love…

    What could possibly convince me that I am..?

    I feel hollow and terribly alone



  268.  #268IamHis on August 4, 2015 at 1:11 am

    & there’s this guy who very overtly flirts with me verbally…calling me all kinds of cutesy nicknames…& I feel conflicted about it, because if I’m going to be really honest…I like the attention and it makes me laugh because it’s so over the top.

    But there’s this other part of me that hates it, hates the stereo type of sweetheart, sugar lips, baby

    I feel like cursing…showing the salt…loving the salt…

    I feel like getting tattoos and I find myself desperately wanting my emotional scars to have nice, big, physical manifestations.

    I want sympathy and respect



  269.  #269IamHis on August 4, 2015 at 1:20 am

    I feel livid…that I’m some kind of temptress to married men, but not tempting enough for single men to reach into their store of testosterone and actually DO something to capture me…



  270.  #270IamHis on August 4, 2015 at 1:23 am

    & I can’t stop psycho-analyzing…myself and everyone around me.

    & I’m not filled with love, I’m filled with judgment…

    This feels really scary and lonely…:(



  271.  #271Indigo on August 4, 2015 at 2:00 am

    Lovergirl 255,

    I get it. I do. Your feelings are your feelings and you can’t logic or wish them away. S feels right to you because he feels right. I feel the same way about D. To this day I know that if he proved himself capable to have a real, solid, committed relationship with me I would choose him. To this day, I feel down in my bones that things cannot be completely done with us yet.

    What HAS changed for me though is my my perception, my realisation, my acceptance of reality. I no longer think of him as the “best” guy I have ever known, because that’s just not true. He was actually kind of an a**hole in many ways. I also realise that he is NOT capable of the relationship I want, he’s NOT capable of the intimacy and closeness I want. I’ve let go of the need to beg and plead him to be what I want, or hope that he is going to turn into that, because that goes against the reality that is staring me in the face. I don’t sugar-coat the truth to myself any more. Eventually, my heart was able to accept the possibility of falling in love with someone else.

    I hear what you are saying, I really do, and I know what you are feeling. For me though, I had to eventually accept the reality, and you know what? It doesn’t feel bad, it actually feels kind of good.



  272.  #272Femininewoman on August 4, 2015 at 4:25 am

    RE 271 Dearest Indigo this feels so heart warming to read. It really help to show that there is hope for all once we decide to make choices for ourselves.



  273.  #273Femininewoman on August 4, 2015 at 4:30 am

    Dearest Millie Yayy you 🙂

    You did what felt best to you in that moment. That felt so authentic I can’t imagine why you would describe it as stupid.



  274.  #274Azure Blu on August 4, 2015 at 7:08 am

    We haven’t heard from
    lovetodance
    or Veronica
    RileytheOwl
    Gemini Goddess
    Or April Rose in quite awhile…
    Miss you all!



  275.  #275Labbit on August 4, 2015 at 7:32 am

    IAmHis — Sending some love out to you. Keep trying lady, there are things you can do for free to help fill you up! Some things I like to do when I’m feeling low are taking long walk in a park (I’ll often take the train or bus to a park that’s not in my neighborhood when I really need a change of scene to clear my head.), taking my lunch break somewhere outside where I can be around other people yet I don’t feel weird being by myself, going to book readings at local bookstores after work. And then some not-so-expensive things include taking a book to a coffee house, buying myself a drink, and just luxuriating in the scene while I people watch between pages; going to the bar section of a nice local restaurant after work and buying myself a glass of wine and starting conversations with the businessmen around me…the goal is to think of it as play.

    When I do these things I’m not going there to meet men. I’m taking care of myself and being open to men yes, but it’s not my goal to walk out of there having given out my number. I know that Sirens here often recommend taking long baths which sometimes works for me but other times does little to clear my head. It’s just about trying lots of things for yourself, new things, things outside of your comfort zone — because everything you want is outside of our comfort zones. 🙂 If it were inside our comfort zones, we’d either already have it or it would not have a high value to us. Make taking care of yourself a high-value event. And no matter what your mind tells you while you’re taking care of yourself, tell yourself that you’re doing quite well and you are EXCELLENT at caring for yourself. It will stick with time.

    On the men who flirt with you…keep in mind that men will be flirty with us even if they are not attracted to us. Even if they have no intention of ever asking us out. It refills their virility tank, so to speak. This can be confusing…I can speak of many times where I pined over a man who would flirt with me, touch me often, talk about deep emotional things with me, but never asked me out. It took me a very long time to learn a tough lesson, but now I understand that a man’s actions are all that matters. You can be open to every man, no man, or as many men as you want, and practice being a Siren by opening up to him, practicing being warm, lapping up the attention. But if he doesn’t ask you out after a certain amount of time, he’s simply enjoying your femininity. And yes, YOU have the control at any point to back up when it feels like too much or too little to you. No one else will do that for you. If you feel stuck in judgement, you have the power at any point in time to turn that into love. Everything we want from the outside world already lives within us.



  276.  #276Labbit on August 4, 2015 at 7:36 am

    Millie I am with FeminineWoman and Azure Blu, you are coming from a much different place when you text him now…perhaps there is no point to it but otherwise there isn’t much harm so long as it doesn’t send you into a spiral. Your head and heart are pointed in the right direction and you’re taking steps to care for yourself. That’s all you need to do.



  277.  #277IamHis on August 4, 2015 at 7:59 am

    ((((((((((@275Labbit)))))))) – thanks for this. <3



  278.  #278Kim on August 4, 2015 at 12:27 pm

    Indigo, I also feel happy reading your posts..you see, I always knew the turn-around would come! I had to learn the exact thing, and now lovergirl has to, for herself. I love your comments to lovergirl but it really is a journey we all have to take for ourselves and I guess everybody has a different pace. Once it clicks, it clicks.
    I cannot even imagine at this point to ‘feel love’ for a man who doesn’t want me/doesn’t want a relationship with me. I surely did, or maybe it was just a misguided way of beating myself up? IDK.
    I know one thing for sure:
    Real love feels different.
    It’s not pining for someone who can’t/won’t give us what we want.
    It’s being shown/told that we are loved, every day, every week, every month and having someone who is consistently by our side. Worth so much more than those superficiality…wow he looks great, wow he is great in bed, wow he is CEO of this and that…. I found none of this matters one bit. I concur with Rori in this regard.
    Wholeheartedly.
    The most I have wasted time on a ‘wonderful, good-looking, super intelligent, I can’t find anyone like him ever’ type of man was approx one week of feeling sorry for myself in the last two years…and in the end, he was a liar and a cheat.
    It’s easy to get fooled by those.
    I like what I have now a million times better 🙂



  279.  #279Kim on August 4, 2015 at 12:38 pm

    In other news, things with my guy have been going well…I have felt a little boredom at the routine we have settled into, but that is just a minor thing that I could also change if I wanted to.
    We went to Key West for our anniversary trip. Unfortunately, he got a very bad cold which meant I ended up doing a lot of things alone and I felt so bad for him because he had paid for absolutely everything, including a very expensive trip to an offshore island…and he was not well.
    It triggered me a bit also, because he is phlegmatic anyway and of course when he wasn’t feeling 100% he just wanted to lay in bed….I am the kind of person who pops a couple of pills and gets on with it, naturally lol.
    It was still nice and romantic…bar the coughing amd sneezing lol.
    I almost thought he might propose on that trip to this island because he made such a big deal of it…in the end another couple got engaged, they announched it on the boat and he just kinda ignored it…I must say, I felt a little disappointed…since the topic pf karriage hasn’t come up in months and I have sworn not to bring it up again, I do feel a little annoyed, but the man is a procrastinator with everything…like everything. It triggers me. He will never pay his share of the bills on time – ever, which leaves me in a pickle or I always have to ask, and I dislike that. I mentioned it several times but no change.
    I am also overfunctioning. Since I have only part time jobs and work mostly from home, I do everything, cooking, cleaning, laundry. The other day I let him clear the dishes and he got upset with me..after I had cooked and cleaned etc. I was shocked because he used to be totally different.
    So I need to stop what I am doing I suppose. Ugh. The old overfunctioning lol.
    Well, I needed a change and still had an old trainticket to use up so I am planning to get away later this month – by myself – and figure out where I am going in my life,
    I need to make some big decisions…



  280.  #280Kim on August 4, 2015 at 12:41 pm

    Karriage, marriage…lol



  281.  #281Azure Blu on August 4, 2015 at 12:52 pm

    Kim…
    Ohhh… darling Siren so good to hear from you…
    Happy Anniversary…. it does sound very romantic
    even with the cold… :-))

    Mmmmm… interesting about doing most of the chores…
    doesn’t sound like this feels good to you…
    Asking for what you want and not getting the help…
    is there a Rori tool or script for this?

    sounds like a good plan to take a solo trip for a little R&R for YOU!
    oxoxo



  282.  #282Azure Blu on August 4, 2015 at 12:55 pm

    Kim…
    I can understand your disappointment about no proposal… Would you have accepted?

    I know that some sirens have written about
    after living with their man…
    realizing marriage wasn’t that important to them and letting it go…
    the guy actually asked them a few months or year later… Maybe the vibe of NO pressure…
    we can all feel each others vibes that’s for sure!
    huggggss!



  283.  #283Kim on August 4, 2015 at 12:58 pm

    Hi Azure!
    So good to hear from you!
    Yes, I am not a great siren…I did not express myself in feeling messages when this thing with the dishes happened..I was too shocked and spoke before thinking, informing him that I had spemt hours that day cleaning and cooking and I was shocked he could not do something as simple as clear the dishes (I had cleared my own plate already!!).
    The thing is, he buys most of our grocieries and he does come home very late, so I don’t mind cooking and cleaning and taking some pressure off him, but not when it turns into this! I could of course just drop everything and not life a finger anymore, but that feels mean and nasty considering he gets home at 7 exhausted…IDK. I have to eat also, so for me it is normal to cook…not that I enjoy it but I prefer home-cooked food most of the time over picking food up or going out. It is just healthier.
    On the other hand, of course I could also spend the time on things I enjoy rather than cooking and cleaning…lol.
    There’s a thought!
    🙂
    How have you been Azure, have you seen Spirit again, are you still dating him and how are the other CD’s? Anyone interesting?



  284.  #284Kim on August 4, 2015 at 1:06 pm

    282 those are good points Azure. I have been in those relationships where we lived together for 5 years (twice) and 3 years (once), and I never thoughht about marriage – needless to say the men never felt inspired either.
    I thought the reason was that they ‘had’ me….as in there not being a reason for marriage because I wasn’t going anywhere and they got everything they wanted.
    I do not want to repeat that.
    I do want the security of marriage and building a life together, but the salient point is that I very much want it with a man who doesn’t need coercing into it…that sours it for me. I am not ‘desperate’. For me, if nothing is happening, it would be a reason to terminate the relationship…as harsh as that sounds.
    I am just too happy on my own than to compromise on that. I want a man to share everything with me…not just a bed and a table. I have done that plenty of times.
    In that sense, I think my guy might make a wonderful boyfriend but perhaps not husband…and of course I would accept, but once I have to bring it up again, I think I would not feel inspired to accept anymore…like a guy under duress feels unattractive to me.



  285.  #285Lovergirl on August 4, 2015 at 2:23 pm

    I feel what I feel about S because I am here living it and that is what I feel. I can feel that he cares about me, and he repeatedly told me that when I talked to him recently. It may not be enough to make a commitment to a woman with 5 kids, but he does still have feelings for me. He’s said so himself, and why else would he keep calling? S has been more loving towards me than any man in my life.

    People can tell me all day not to love him but that doesn’t change what is. I love him. I’m not allowing it to change my actions, I’m still moving forward, seeing other guys and not contacting him- but I can’t change how I feel for someone, whether people on a message board tell me to or not.



  286.  #286Sassy on August 4, 2015 at 3:23 pm

    Ladies,

    Help me add to this list:

    I love being a woman because:

    I can wear beautiful dresses or pants or shorts or gowns or nite gowns or pajamas
    Shoes so many shoes
    Purses
    Perfume
    Hair colors and styles and lengths
    Make up
    Beautiful jewelry
    Lotions
    I can change my mind
    I can cry
    I can giggle uncontrollably
    I can smile mysteriously
    I can wink
    I can flirt
    I can have wild passionate sex
    I can love madly deeply
    I can scream
    I can be scared
    I can be whatever I want
    I can climb the corporate ladder
    I can give birth
    I can suffer
    I can protect
    I can be soft and warm
    I can be ice cold
    I can be mad
    I can be sad
    I can be impatient
    I can be patient
    I can listen
    I can talk
    I can be a soft place to land
    I can be a sister
    I can be a daughter
    I can be a mother to anyone who needs me
    I can keep secrets
    I can have secrets
    I can give advice
    I can need
    I can be happy
    I can just be
    I AM THE PRIZE
    I AM THE HONEYPIE
    I AM MUSIC THE SOOTHES A SOUL
    I AM A CHILD OF GOD
    I AM POWERFUL
    I AM VULNERABLE
    I AM WEAK
    I AM STRONG
    I AM HEALTHY
    I AM LOVE



  287.  #287Sassy on August 4, 2015 at 3:27 pm

    Lovergirl,

    The heart wants who the heart wants.

    You are free to love whomever and however you wish.

    I believe as we are all sisters in this journey that all of us want and hope for only the best for each other.

    Stay strong



  288.  #288Millie on August 4, 2015 at 8:54 pm

    Thank you Femininewoman, Azure, and Labbit–

    For once I’m actually not beating myself up. I thought it was stupid because he won’t answer and there is no point in reaching out to a man who has left. However, I have no angry feelings towards myself for doing it at all. He’s lucky I haven’t left a dozen angry calls or called him any names, like a lot of women would lash out and do when they are hurt.

    I’ve been thinking about another event that happened over the weekend…the man Mechanic introduced me to. It seemed like there was a spark to me, but when he said goodbye–he didn’t ask for my number. I realized that I expected him to and the fact that he didn’t made me feel rejected. Instead of being warm and soft after that, I gave up, retreated into my cave and was very flippant with my goodbye to him. As he walked out he grabbed my shoulder and slid his hand down my arm to reach mine, squeezed it and left. He came back in to sign his tab or something, and I could feel him looking at me out of the corner of my eye…but I was already feeling hurt and refused to let my gaze go to him. I felt bad afterwards… I felt rejected so I got cold–only to protect myself of course and maybe in a twisted sense…was I trying to punish him? Do I punish men for how I feel? Do I punish them for falling short of my expectations? Why do I expect anything at all? That expectation gets in the way of real connection.

    Anyway, I feel disappointed about it and how I behaved, but I’m sure there will be a next time.

    At this point I feel ready to give up and just decide to be alone already. Online dating isn’t going well…I feel no desire to meet anyone. One man I felt attracted to because he reminded me so much of M, but proved to be gross and selfish in conversation. Delete. Not like M at all!



  289.  #289Victoria on August 5, 2015 at 12:55 am

    Lovergirl,
    We all can see that S. is ambivalent about you but also about his general life choices. From what you have told here, he wants to have children with (preferably) a woman with no prior commitments but at the same time really enjoys the swinger life style. From what I know about swinging, it is highly unlikely that a single unattached woman of suitable age who is interested in starting a family would be accepting of such a life-style.
    And, we all are like this at times. A certain level of ambivalence can be actually quite healthy.
    We are not judging your feelings. We just see you are in pain and we beleive, based on our own experience, that an effective way to resolve this pain it to completely exit the situation.
    Speaking personally, I think his calling you in the middle of the night to tell you he will delete your number is NOT a sign of good character or a good way to get closure either for him or for you.
    To me this is a sign that he is ambivalent, and unable to find life experiences to satisfy his craving for affection better than what you have given him. And, he is afraid that there might actually not exist something better, no love greater, more caring and more accepting of him than the love you have for him. And, that if he loses you now, just as he said, he may find himself a few years down the road, more lonely and more unhappy, and by that time you will be completely gone and not willing to come back. Not a nice place to be at.



  290.  #290Victoria on August 5, 2015 at 1:04 am

    Millie,
    I would like to provide for you an alternative reading of the behavior of this guy Mechanic introduced you to.
    Please note that the circumstances are not straightforward when someone who has dated you introduces you to a man who “might be a good fit for you”. If I were in this guys’s shoes I would be very uneasy about the fact that you and Mechanic dated. Actually, I would not want to date any former boyfriends of my female friends, it is almost like incest, and the fact that the match-making is done by Mechanic makes it even worse. Just my two cents.



  291.  #291Millie on August 5, 2015 at 1:38 am

    Victoria I see your point. Although mechanic and I didn’t really date… What happened between us is not publicly known. Also I would wonder if this guy for some reason did know… Then why bother going through the motions at all? But I do see your reasoning.



  292.  #292Victoria on August 5, 2015 at 2:03 am

    Millie,
    I would think it is a combinaton of curiosity and willingness to meet a nice new prospect that has led him to meet you. And it is possible that he did not like you too much, or that you said something that turned him off, or he might be a shy person dreading the possibility that Mechanic would know that he is interested, could be all sorts of things of a combination of those.
    I think it is wonderful that you noticed your own reaction, how you did not manage to stay open. I think this is the only way we learn new behaviours and it was a great learning experinece from you. If I am in your shoes, I would talke to Mechanic to thank him for the introduction and tell him that you really liked the guy. I always say that after introductions, I think it sets a spiral of positivity and even if you get to never date this guy you get two benefits 1) you make him feel good that he has been liked, because Mechanic will surely let him know, and 2) Mechanic will be pleased. What do you think?



  293.  #293Indigo on August 5, 2015 at 2:28 am

    Victoria 289,

    I think your observations about Lovergirl’s situation are so interesting.

    I too agree that “his calling you in the middle of the night to tell you he will delete your number is NOT a sign of good character or a good way to get closure either for him or for you” simply because I have been in this situation so many times before with D. He will call me or Skype me to tell me that we should never see each other again and block me, only to have him unblock me and Skype me a few weeks later to ask how I am doing. And as you say, it’s because he has found no one more accepting and loving to satisfy his craving for affection than me, and is unlikely to do so.

    I found your observations about S’s ambivalence so interesting because they apply to D too. He says he would love to find a woman (of course she is beautiful, emotionally stable, intelligent and has no kids from previous relationships) to have a long-term, stable, happy relationship with. But this same woman also needs to accept his gaming for several hours every night and most of the weekend, needs to have no expectations of him and needs to never expect him to go on holiday or to family events. And he doesn’t want to have children. He wants to be able to withdraw and do exactly what he wants to do at all times.

    He seems to have given no real thought to whether a woman like this even exists – I know very well that she doesn’t – which tells me he is not serious. He is ambivalent about a relationship/commitment, at best.



  294.  #294Waterfall on August 5, 2015 at 3:40 am

    Victoria 289

    This is very true, and I also see this in my own situation with D. I see so many similarities in this relationship. We are tied to one another but unable to wholeheartedly commit.

    A quick catch-up on my situation: I have given in and seen D a few times. The man is so ultra, ultra persistent and I have just relented.

    Yet I truly see no change in him and I know that the relationship is doomed. He is all dramatic and intense when he hasn’t seen me, but the minute reality rears it’s ugly head I can feel or sense a change in his mood. I figured a long time ago that he wants me “there” in a place where he can find me and see me when he wants to.

    Also, I deep, deep down know that he is trying his best. He really is. We are just not a good fit. I am very domesticated and like chilling at home and doing things in a proper, organised fashion. He is a spur of the moment sort of guy who just wakes up in the morning and grabs his rucksack and goes out for the day. It’s not that I don’t like doing stuff, it’s just that I like all the planning, arranging and organising that goes with it 🙂

    The problem is this. I just miss him. I know he is wrong for me, but like Victoria has just pointed out, I feel he is my security blanket. No-one will cuddle me like him, nothing will feel the same, etc, etc.. And when he persists it is so hard for me to say no as I physically miss him so much.

    I dunno. I am being strong and seeing other men, and not ever contacting D or going to that place where I start thinking about him. Writing and reading on here helps.

    But he is always in the back of my mind just lingering. I am always scared that in a moment of weakness I will let him back in.

    And the truth is I don’t want to hurt him. My reading of the situation is that he is giving as much as he can give and feels pushed and pulled by me. He tells me that one minute I am warm towards him and that the next minute I am pushing him away.

    So, I do relate to what you say Lovergirl. It is how “you” feel. I get it. I think longing for a man can do this to us. I was thinking today about the saying “treat em mean, to keep em keen”.

    It is horrible, but I wonder if this is a symptom of what I am experiencing with D. Because of the lows, the highs feel so much more emphasised. I start to live for them.

    The trouble is, for me anyway, that I can’t seem to say “No” to D. I start off saying no, but then I quickly waver and seem to forget, as if by magic, all the heartache he’s given me.

    I just feel so confused. In so many ways he is there for me, we could see each other regularly, he would commit to me, he would call me every day. What is wrong with me?

    I felt aggrieved the last time we were out because when I was taking photos of him and our day out a) he didn’t ask to take a picture of me and b) he didn’t ask someone to take a picture of us being together. Now when I look at my snaps there are just loads of pictures of scenery and him. And none of me!

    Am I being petty?? I don’t know why but it’s really bothering me. I just think “normal” couples take pictures of each other in coupley type situations. Little things like that he seems to do all the time, and although only small and minor in comparison it leaves me feeling will I ever feel like a proper couple with this man?

    The other day I was thinking of our relationship and the way that I would describe it is like an affair that never actually becomes a relationship. He makes all the right noises. He spends time with me and when we are together we act coupley and he makes huge, grandiose promises to me. Yet, the minute he is gone I am left feeling hollow and insecure. And it often feels like we have both gone back to our “real” lives away from each other.

    When I bring this up with him he tells me that he loves me and really wants us to be together and that he is trying his absolute hardest to prove this to me. He gets really angry and worked up and I never know how to respond. I sound like a broken record and I say all this to him over and over again because ultimately at the end of the day I can’t change who I am and “how I feel”.

    I feels so difficult. There is this man and he is there but yet it’s not enough, and I never really know what to do about the situation. I hope it resolves itself quickly.



  295.  #295Femininewoman on August 5, 2015 at 4:31 am

    RE 289 Victoria and in my book that is “stringing along”, maybe unconsciously, but stringing along none the less because he realizes that it is working.



  296.  #296Femininewoman on August 5, 2015 at 4:44 am

    Waterfall I believe you are doing well in dating others. Just like you have decided to do that decide to let go of D “in your mind”. That choice alone creates a certain level of freedom and surety and shifts your vibe. I know because I have experienced it. It helped me with relaxing and releasing of the fear factor. When the fear factor easies then you will realize that you can really adjust your communication. What I suspect from what you have written is that something is broken with your communication. The push pull he does, the angry outbursts to me are somewhat reactions to what he is hearing. If in your mind you are in a place where you are sure you can take him or leave him you will react differently to his angry outbursts. Maybe don’t react at all. You have to trust that he will feel the change in you because he will. He’s got to know that you will not be with an angry man and he can know this without you even saying anything it. Those feelings you have when you are away from him needs to be cherished. Start sinking into them and talking with them. See where they are in your body parts and start talking with them to find out what it is they are trying to tell you. Take your focus off what he is doing/not doing and put it on you.

    Just my few cents………



  297.  #297Femininewoman on August 5, 2015 at 4:47 am

    Waterfall broken might not be the right word but it is the best I can find right now to get my point across about bringing everything back to you. Not to suggest that something is wrong with you but to get you to look at what you are saying and whether saying this to any man would get the same or similar responses.



  298.  #298Victoria on August 5, 2015 at 4:48 am

    FW
    I guess you can call it “stringing along” or something along those lines. I also think it is not completely unconscious – I am under the impression that male-female dynamics are such that often a partner gets hurt/annoyed and would later seek to relatiate, if even knowing that retaliation will only bring more pain to both.



  299.  #299April Rose on August 5, 2015 at 5:16 am

    Hello all you fantastic and inspiring ladies.

    I have just returned home from a month abroad with no phone and very little internet access! It felt liberating.

    Now I want to read the blog (when jet lag passes and I feel back on solid ground again) and see who is here and what is happenng in your life.

    Are any of Rori’s new coaches available for consultations?

    I must speak to someone and clarify my heart and my desires.

    It feels good and scary and I feel happy to be back 🙂



  300.  #300Femininewoman on August 5, 2015 at 5:20 am

    April Rose nice to see you welcome back.

    About the coaches, with all that Rori has said about them only Dominique stays consistently connected here. I’d suggest that you look for an earlier blog and see if you see their names because they are mostly very absent to the blog in my humble opinion.t



  301.  #301Azure Blu on August 5, 2015 at 6:56 am

    Kim #284
    well, i see you have experienced living together with no marriage…
    I know how good it feels to have someone VERY excited about the prospect of marrying me and the security that brings with it…
    my late fiance asked me to marry him within 4 months of dating… of course i pushed back
    and there were breakups and time spent making sure
    but by 7 months I had a ring and we were living together and planning the wedding for the following June…
    You, most adorable and beautiful Siren, deserve that!!!
    I also agree it doesn’t feel good to have to push someone into it…



  302.  #302Waterfall on August 5, 2015 at 7:02 am

    FW 296

    Wow, feel like light bulb moment. I think my “uncertainty” is about worrying about his feelings, rather than taking care of my own..

    His begging and pleading pull and tug at my heart strings until I give in. It all feels so confusing though because I do have really strong feelings for him and when I am away from him I miss him like crazy. It feels like I see what is happening more clearly though.

    I need to remember that my duty is to care for myself, not for him. I realise that now.



  303.  #303Millie on August 5, 2015 at 7:21 am

    Victoria– haha I already did 🙂 the following day I thanked him for speaking so highly of me and he said he does think high of me and I am one of his favorite people. I also said that his friend was really nice. I didn’t tell him I liked him though. We will see… Our circle of friends is always doing cool stuff so I’m sure I’ll see him again. One thing I didn’t mention before is that the guy told me he was married for 9 years, divorced, and also just got out of a one hear relarionship three weeks ago…. What a whirlwind. Anyway, your right.. And my purpose in sharing was really to express how I noticed my own behavior and how I felt about it.



  304.  #304Azure Blu on August 5, 2015 at 7:22 am

    FeminineW
    I really like what you said to Waterfall…

    I had a fight with Spirit last night…
    right after we had gotten emotionally close the night before…
    We’ve been doing much better about talking on the phone to each other which we (just as much my fault) weren’t able to do before…
    we hung out a bit last night… i had a couple of glasses of wine… and somehow we ended up on our 2 worst subjects… politics and religion…
    I get very agitated… he talks calmly…
    I’ve tried to stop this… It isn’t a discussion when
    *I* get that agitated…
    i did it to a cd I saw last
    week… I broke it off with him… not just because of the politics..

    I don’t like reacting this way!!!
    I want to stop this tone in my voice…
    this hyper way i discuss the issues with someone
    who doesn’t think the same way i do.
    Who can hear me when I act this way?
    I’m NOT listening to them with respect…
    that’s for sure… Ughhhh!!!



  305.  #305Azure Blu on August 5, 2015 at 7:33 am

    the fight with Spirit was no at all feeling messages
    What I came to was
    I’m lonely… I’m VERY tired of being alone…
    with all my heart I would love it to be Spirit!!

    It’s confusing still seeing Spirit…
    He’s familiar… just like Waterfall talked about…
    he gives me a little bit… but then I’m so hungry for MORE… and Spirit just can’t
    and he HAS made changes…
    just like he told me last night…
    I’m trying, Azure!
    To him, all his changes are big…and of course they are!!!
    but the religious thing is just never
    going to work for me…

    I thought I could do the Rori way #3
    CDing and taking Spirit along…
    I’m not doing very good at it…

    I will try what FeminineW recommended.
    Observe *ME* and how I am soooo triggered by
    politics and religion…
    Where do I find those feelings… what is really going on when i react like that?
    Bringing it all back to me…



  306.  #306Labbit on August 5, 2015 at 7:34 am

    286 Sassy — Hmm, I love being a woman because…

    – I have delicious curves that are unique to me, and I love running my hands over all of them while moisturizing before bed
    – I can do things that feel good for me, like going to the coffee shop near my apartment in the morning after my run and buying a small slice of coffee cake and an iced chai and enjoy every bite…and it’s magnetizing to men while feeling oh so yummy good to me
    – I can take time in the beauty shop testing and smelling each perfume until I find a scent that smells perfect to me, and then spritz a bit on my wrist and behind my neck that draws my man close to my body, and smile that secret smile when he asks me why I smell especially good on our date
    – I can sit in a park in Spring and Summer and feel the new life, the sprouts and the flowers, the joy of the birds and the bees and the trees, and absorb some of that joy into me as though they are sending their love directly to me
    – I can tantalize a man with just a glance 😉
    – I can mesmerize a man with the way I move, the way my hips swing when I walk, the grace of my stride, the way my muscles extend and contract, the energy emanating from my pelvis, the tease of my butt
    – I can spread the joy and abundance I feel to everyone around me, simply by radiating positive energy. And then on days when I feel not-so-great, I can ask for hugs and cuddles or support from friends. I never have to do it alone.
    – I can feel any feeling I want to, even the scary ones like anger or extreme sadness or fear. I feel the rock inside of me that is always there for support, and it makes the highs of joy, happiness, love that much more delectable
    – I can listen to the voice inside of me that knows my true desires and not feel ashamed by them or scared of them. I can learn what is truly my voice and what is the fear talking…I can learn both through my own experiences and through others
    – I can open a man up to my world, show him how to feel the softness of fresh skin or the smoothness of silk sheets or the bumpiness of a warm chocolate cookie, to slow him down and show him the magic of a moment…where time barely seems to exist.

    🙂



  307.  #307Kim on August 5, 2015 at 7:37 am

    301 Azure, thank you for sharing your beautiful story.
    It makes me feel safe when a man takes the reins…and then I can decide what *I* want, rather than deciding what I want and then waiting for the man to come along….so I love the story with your fiance…so tragic how it turned out.
    ((Azure))
    And as for the lashing out – just forgove yourself..I do it too and sometimes I catch myself and manage to drop it, sometimes not. I have distanced myself from people with an opinion that is too extremist or too far the other way, particularly on fb but also in daily life.
    I feel unable to tolerate the negativity and intolerance of others..whether it be in their private life, or regarding politics and so on. I am pretty much middle of the road and I am happy to keep my opinion to myself..but when I encounter stupidity or backwardness or cruelty, I find it tough to keep my mouth shut, same with excessive lamentation and negativity. I have learnt to stay away more and more. I defriended quite a few people on fb for that reason and I do not feel the need to explain myself to them.
    I am further along my journey…maybe time to drop Spirit? If it winds you up? Rather than trying to twist yourself into something…sometimes, it just isn’t worth debate and discussion…just a thought…



  308.  #308Dominique on August 5, 2015 at 7:40 am

    Waterfall – I feel curious about this – “I can’t change who I am and “how I feel”. Is this so? Though I totally get that you feel what you feel, and ALL of your feelings are valid, they can also be changed if you want to choose another feeling. It truly can be that simple. Maybe not so easy sometimes when you’re feeling overwhelmed by one or another feeling, yet it’s possible.

    Maybe D is showing you love in HIS WAY which doesn’t quite mesh with yours. Can you try opening your eyes and heart to HIS WAY? With time, patience, and practice, his way can come to feel as wonderful as your way.

    There’s nothing at all wrong with missing him when he’s not there. Even with all the filling your life up with activities and things which feel good to you, the missing can still palpable. I see this as a lovely connection, a lovely way of staying connected.

    Yes you have differences in style, and if you can come to place of acceptance, not only will the differences not feel so glaring, they might also start to come together by him shifting a little your way and you his.

    Have you tried encouraging the actions you love by embracing them with all you have and ignoring the rest as best as you can? Have you tried saying to D how much you love when he…..? When he does do things your way, planned out and not spur of the moment, have you told him how wonderful this feels? Have you tried to open yourself more to his flow?

    You seem to have something so wonderful between you. He seems to care for you deeply. This can grow into something very special. If you want this with him.

    xxoo



  309.  #309Kim on August 5, 2015 at 7:41 am

    I have totally broken ties with a friend who calls all women who have an abortion murderers. He belongs to one of the what I call ‘holier than thou’ religious brigade, practicing unsafe sex, having gotten divorced, having a daughter who is fully made up and in high heels at age 13….but he finds it ok to preach to others what they should be doing and how.
    Bearing in mind that I am middle of the road, I could just not take it anymore, the mean and nasty statements, calling certain politicians wh*res and sl*ts…but pretending to be such a good person and God fearing would wind me up so much: so I cut all contact. So much happier! I don’t need this type of pseudo ‘good’ (actually toxic) person in my life!



  310.  #310Azure Blu on August 5, 2015 at 7:44 am

    Sassy….
    Love your list!!
    you and Labbit have covered it in my book!
    I do *SO* love being a woman!



  311.  #311Azure Blu on August 5, 2015 at 7:48 am

    Dominique…#308
    ahhh… lovely Siren… this is sooo beautiful…
    thank you for sharing!



  312.  #312Sami Wunder on August 5, 2015 at 7:51 am

    # 299 April Rose – Welcome to speak with me for a free consultation. Just click on my name and it will take you to my website where you can book. Love, Sami



  313.  #313Azure Blu on August 5, 2015 at 7:52 am

    Kim #307
    thank you darling!
    oxoxo



  314.  #314Azure Blu on August 5, 2015 at 8:04 am

    CD – T- and i had a kayaking date (date #3)
    last thur.
    I got a better idea of his personality…
    which is very confrontational to strangers and his family (he has shared several stories – he was very harsh with them)
    and started being that way to me…
    angry – not at all affectionate
    after kayaking we had agreed to go downtown in my city and hang out at the outside cafe’s
    on the way there his words were gruff
    and when we sat down he said
    “I only want a couple of beers… I’m NOT eating”
    never asked what I might want or
    something like… but Azure go ahead and order food if your hungry… He said NOTHING like that…
    the conversation continued to be gruff and harsh…
    I finally leaned in and sweetly said…
    “I’m wondering if I have done something to provoke
    your harsh demeanor today?”
    He looked surprised and asked what I meant by “harsh”

    I said I am a soft, feminine woman and he might be used to talking mainly to men.
    gruff and harsh is not easy for me to understand.

    He was very sweet and we had a conversation about me letting him know when he was being this way…
    and dedicating ourselves to making our relationship work…
    He’s been calling… but I don’t want to work on this
    he’s older than I want… and it seems exhausting to
    think a man, 68yrs. old would be able to make much change… It takes time to change…
    these other men I am dating are sweet, and NOT gruff and harsh!



  315.  #315Emerson on August 5, 2015 at 8:12 am

    Hi Tereana!
    I like what you said about everyday mundane things being magical….I can so relate to this because I love routine….and I feel comforted and happy when I have my routine and I do little things to make my morning/lunch break/afternoon “special” or relaxing for myself….

    I have another coworker that I feel curious about….not married WorkCrush but another man….I can tell he likes me and he is very sweet and a hard worker. I don’t know anything else about him. He works in a different department so I only run into him at certain parts of the day, but i do see him daily several times and he is flirty and sweet to me….

    Sigh…he makes significantly less money than me….do I care? I don’t really….and I feel open to spend time with him but it’s so awkward to cross that line a work…not sure if I want to go there…



  316.  #316Azure Blu on August 5, 2015 at 8:15 am

    after reading my last post I realized
    I don’t want a man like this in my life…
    My darling daughter
    and my lovely adorable mother
    are BOTH married to angry, gruff, harsh
    men…
    They are both unhappy situations…
    my daughter (who usually says..”Ohh, mom you need to give this man a chance)
    actually said several times to me, “Get out NOW”
    after hearing about T-
    I just now…texted him and said
    “Ive’ been thinking about our last date and realize
    I don’t feel comfortable continuing to see you.
    I wish you the best.”



  317.  #317Emerson on August 5, 2015 at 8:17 am

    I realize after talking to one of my friends and one of my coworkers who are women about my age and also single…that I have come SO FAR in my relationship with myself and how I relate to the world more positively than I used to….
    They are both so negative, self sabotaging and put themselves down all the time. Its kind of tiring to be around. I feel bad for them and try to offer encouragement.

    I feel thankful that during the events of my life I have learned to create my own confidence and my own incentive when it comes to job searching or just presenting myself to superiors. I realize I always assume a good outcome and I assume they will like me. And they usually do.

    These women have the opposite attitude, and both of them are “stuck’….I am stuck too in my own way, and not saying I am “better” than them, but it makes me realize that I am doing pretty darn good in my journey with myself in that I don’t beat myself up too much and I don’t allow myself to self sabotage….

    I owe it to this blog in part as well as some tough friendships and workplace circumstances that have taught me valuable lessons about how to relate to myself and how to relate to the world while not throwing myself under the bus.

    Thank you Rori.



  318.  #318Lovergirl on August 5, 2015 at 8:19 am

    Victoria (and Indigo)-

    Yes, S is very ambivalent. He says that if he meets a woman he wants a serious relationship with then he will stop swinging. Yet, he seems to think she is going to appear out of nowhere. He had tried to go out on some dates off of Plenty of Fish and that woman turned out to be a swinger as well, which was kind of funny.

    His ex girlfriend, the one I went to school with, seems to fit his ideals in most ways- only two children and they are both teenagers, she’s pretty and successful and comes from a wealthy family. He told me before that he was in love with her and she is the only woman he ever cried over. They are still friendly. Yet, when she wanted to get back together (right before he met me) he was uninterested. He told me that ship has sailed. She tried to get him to sleep with her and he wouldn’t even do that, because he said he knew she would want a relationship if he did.

    I have my doubts that he is going to be able to find this ideal woman that he thinks is out there. She would have to be a lot of things. She would have to be very forgiving and accepting of his past and very trusting that he wouldn’t return to swinging/cheating (which I am pretty sure he would). She would have to be absolutely amazing and good at balancing acts to be able to cater to all the things he needs as well as be what he thinks he wants.

    Honestly I think I embody his dream woman in more ways than most, but for having too many kids and not the greatest financial situation. Thing is though that I would never have gotten to where I am emotionally if that weren’t the case. Some single woman with no kids is not going to have the life experience that I do or the desire to be what he wants.

    As far as him calling to say he was going to delete me, let’s be real. There was absolutely no reason to do that other than to get a response. He could have quietly deleted my number and I never would have known. I wasn’t calling or texting him and he said that himself. Even if he was doing it to be nice and give me closure, well, I have a feeling I will still hear from him again. I don’t feel he really wants closure. He is afraid of me being gone forever, because on some level he probably realizes I may be the best for him he will ever find.



  319.  #319Emerson on August 5, 2015 at 8:20 am

    I feel thankful that I know how to self soothe pretty well and I know how to make myself feel better by taking action and voting for myself.

    I also take the time to relate good memories to everyday events….I think about my parents and their kindness and I also think about the times when I had loving relationships….I want that again and I know I will…



  320.  #320Azure Blu on August 5, 2015 at 8:24 am

    Emerson #317
    WOWOWOWOW!!!
    I love this… You amazing Siren YOU!



  321.  #321Waterfall on August 5, 2015 at 8:51 am

    Dominique 308

    Thanks for your response. It is so lovely to feel heard and get some help. I am really struggling here (although I know all of us are). I feel so stuck in a loop with this.

    It’s nice to hear a different point of view for a change and I am really taking in what you have said to me.

    I am just going to let myself flow with this. Please forgive me if I go off point…

    Re: D – yes, I do already try and encourage him, but it all feels like I am “telling” him what to do all the time. The last time I spoke to him I realised that whenever I said “I don’t like this about you..” or “This would have to change about you..”. Rather than defending himself he would just say “Yes, I can do that..”

    It all feels a bit like a job interview where a newbie trainee bits off more than they can true. He is definitely willing, and that I find truly beautiful and inspiring – but I also don’t feel like he can do it. It feels a bit like being his mum.

    Also, believe me – everything that I write here I do say to his face. It’s not like I hide anything from him. The problem is he just doesn’t take me seriously – he nods his head but from my point of view it doesn’t seem to really go in.

    Don’t get me wrong – I think the really, really deep down thinks he is doing the right thing. That is what I actually find quite comical and it is hard for me not to see the funny side of it.

    But, I dunno. I wonder if the balance is wrong and he is trying too hard. It’s so confusing.

    I do also praise him. A lot. I am very affectionate and loving with him. I have always spoken to him more like a friend than a boyfriend – we have just had that sort of relationship right from the start. I feel very comfortable with him. I can be completely honest with him.

    The truth is, I would just like to know that I can walk away whenever I want. I truly don’t feel like that at all and this is what forces me to feel very, very down.

    My only other option is to completely break off contact with him. I feel like this may be the only way but I know I will still be thinking about him – and that I would like to stop.

    He is so in my face. It’s difficult to feel I can breath sometimes.



  322.  #322Dominique on August 5, 2015 at 9:51 am

    Waterfall – Flow is good; I love flow, and this is what your name here is all about, isn’t it?

    Can you try to not tell him what to do or direct him in any way at all? Can you try to flow with him and what is for now? Can you try to let him find his way as well as your way. You can instead try saying things like – I love it when you….. – It feels so good when we………..- It would feel so amazing to………….- Doing……..would feel so yummy.

    Can you try putting as much energy and focus as you can on all which feels good and release as best as you can that which doesn’t so much.

    This could be a fun experiment for you. You can put a time limit on it too if this makes you feel more comfortable.

    Feeling comfortable with a man is kind of a huge deal after all. Not something come by so easily for many.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  323.  #323Mandy on August 5, 2015 at 5:41 pm

    Sirens…I’m totally on a circular date and I’m about to meet him I’ll call him V….he’s 24, ten years younger, and very very attentive and ready to give me affection. I can’t wait to meet him. What a sweetie. Haha totally snagged another hot CD…go me 🙂 This one is too much fun 🙂



  324.  #324Linda on August 5, 2015 at 8:47 pm

    I saw a picture in a store the other day that said

    “I wish I had met you sooner so I could love you longer”

    I thought how amazing it would be to have someone in my life that I felt that way about.

    Today I have decided I should purchase the picture so that when the time is right I will have it ready to give to the man who I will feel this way about.

    I cant logically explain this, it is just on my heart to do. I have not met him, I do not know when, or where or how but I will be prepared when it happens.

    This is a new feeling, my heart has been quiet but the words have nicked a vein within me.



  325.  #325Indigo on August 5, 2015 at 9:11 pm

    Linda,

    I think you should go ahead and buy the picture. I believe these things that arouse these feelings in us are like little love letters put out by the Universe to encourage us not to lose hope.

    For me, it was like the dream I had about my prince and his princess in his castle, and the kind of relationship they had… and I just knew from this one dream that that was what I wanted. It was far more than an intellectual knowing, it re-awakened something deep inside me. And very shortly after that I met BikeCD. Now, I don’t know yet if he is the one that I’ll marry, but he is just SUCH a good man, so very much closer to my ideal. He is adoring and stable and incredibly consistent. Loving and affectionate, but at the same time very masculine and sexy on top of it. I absolutely believe my dream called in this kind of man, because it aligned me with something powerfully good.



  326.  #326Indigo on August 5, 2015 at 9:25 pm

    Kim, hi! It’s good to see you here again

    I empathise with how you felt about the dishes incident, I really do… I feel like these are some of the things we come up against when we are in a relationship that is a bit more real. With D I only used to go to his house, he never came to mine, and he had a maid and took a certain control over how things happened in his house, so I never had to worry about dishes or anything like that. But of course that was part of his keeping intimacy at bay – we never got down into those messy details, I always, always felt like a “guest” in *his* house.

    Now that I’m with a man who comes to my house all the time and actually wants something with me, I am face to face with these kinds of issues that I never had to think about before. I found myself getting triggered – the fact that he was always coming to my house I wondered whether I would always find myself paying for the little things, always cleaning up after us, being taken for granted and never being taken on dates. It stressed me out a bit until I could see that it was in part just some of my anxiety coming up to be worked on. Luckily I could see this, and he is the kind of good man that if I share how I FEEL – which I have done now – without making him wrong or telling him what to do, he sets to work on solving the problem because he really cares. It feels nice 🙂 but in some ways harder (but better) than being with an emotionally unavailable man.



  327.  #327Tereana on August 6, 2015 at 3:54 am

    ((((Millie))))



  328.  #328jen on August 6, 2015 at 6:30 am

    I have been trying to figure out this whole “blog” deal to get support from others. Not sure if I am posting in the proper place. I have had a wonderful time with my boyfriend, then suddenly his family needed him and so he abruptly left saying he was coming back then called and said he wasn’t. Everyone we know including myself is shocked. I have no idea where I stand, any suggestions?



  329.  #329Azure Blu on August 6, 2015 at 7:52 am

    Indigo #326
    How interesting the different issues that come up with more available Bike
    What was his solution when you shared you didn’t always want to eat in?



  330.  #330Lovergirl on August 6, 2015 at 8:44 am

    Azure- congrats on realizing that and taking the steps to end it. Wise choice. As far as Spirit, I would feel really frustrated if we differed widely on politics and religion, but those are subjects I tend to avoid these days! I married a man who was completely opposite from me on that spectrum and over the years he spent a lot of time brainwashing me into his views. He had a bachelor’s degree in political science and a master’s in theology. That’s all he ever talked about, politics and religion. UGH! Now I feel like I don’t even want to try and think about either most of the time.

    Millie- my heart goes out to you and don’t beat yourself up for contacting M. I think you are doing amazingly well considering.

    Waterfall- it used to drive me nuts that my ex husband never seemed to want to take pictures of me, so I feel your pain there. We have tons of pictures with him and the kids but I was actually the more involved parent. Yet there are hardly any pictures of them with me because he didn’t take them. When he did take pictures he never tried to make them flattering or anything either. So frustrating. I always seem to end up in these situations where being loved seems just out of reach. So frustrating.



  331.  #331Kim on August 6, 2015 at 8:48 am

    Couldn’t agree more, Indigo. The main reason is they want to make us happy I think.
    I have started to make sure to compliment him more often when he does do something that pleases me so for now te dishes problem has resolved itself.
    He does take me out a lot and probably would do it more but I prefer to eat home, with a once or maybe twice weekly treat to go out, just because it can get quite unhealthy I find and pricey too…

    Azure, I am impressed that you said good-bye to the harsh CD and honestly, that was the right thing to do…in the beginning men are usually on their best behavior…that sounded like it would have turned me off completely too!



  332.  #332Azure Blu on August 6, 2015 at 10:52 am

    Kim and lovergirl…
    thank you for your feedback on ending things with -T-
    he has actually called many times yesterday and today to try and resolve things…
    I did make time today to talk on the phone with him
    cause
    I know how bad it can feel
    when I want to talk and get closure and the other person wont.
    Karma
    He said many sweet things….
    “I am the woman he wants to be with …
    He will work at changing anything that seems harsh to me…
    He will now know that I am soft and sensitive
    and be very careful NOT to be harsh with me…
    He said – Isn’t this how people get closer by working through things like this….
    i thanked him for being so sweet and vulnerable and
    sharing his heart with me…
    But that *I* needed to take a break…

    I said maybe he could date other women and practice
    learning these new behaviors with others..
    He didn’t want to do that…

    and asked if there was someone else i was dating…
    this is interesting as I had told him all along
    that I am dating others…
    I said I am still dating others but there is no one special… I said “I had thought you were quite special!”
    I stood my ground and said I’d let him know if
    I changed my mind.
    I feel his heart-felt caring of me…
    I feel his caring vibes…
    The whole time we were talking (about and hour)
    I consciously opened my heart to receive his lovely
    caring words
    and listen carefully and respond VERY softly and kindly…
    But he had said many of these things in the beginning
    and still he has a harshness that doesn’t work for me.
    I am enjoying the warmer, more thoughtful men I am cding!



  333.  #333Azure Blu on August 6, 2015 at 10:57 am

    Lovergirl,
    thank you for the reminder of what it will look like living with an extremely religious man – Spirit-

    I was raised with this and know how it ruined my self esteem and will NOT tolerate it
    ever again!!!

    I just need to find all the positive, fun, playful parts
    that I love about Spirit in my Mr. Right!



  334.  #334Sassy on August 6, 2015 at 3:14 pm

    Ladies,

    I have come to the extremely painful decision to take my power back and end my personal relationship with biker man. There have been a few developments over the past week that have led me to this and today was the clincher.

    I will maintain a business/professional relationship with him.

    I’ll need your support because this really really hurts!



  335.  #335Azure Blu on August 6, 2015 at 3:33 pm

    {{{{Sassy}}}
    Ohhh… no! I’m so sorry to hear you are in Pain!
    What happened with biker man?



  336.  #336Sassy on August 6, 2015 at 3:46 pm

    Azure,

    Thank you.

    He’s been distancing himself over the past month and while this was his pattern in our previous times together, I didn’t want to believe it would be that way again because we had gotten so close.

    Now I will absolutely take my own responsibility to some of what happened. There were two of us in the relationship.
    And my best friend warned me that when you take spoiled milk out of the fridge, put it back and take it out again, it’s still spoiled. Her analogy as opposed to the standard leopards don’t change their spots.
    So, I have to stay strong and keep the door closed, locked, dead bolted, chained, etc….I cannot go thru this again.

    I have not told him this tidbit yet. I doubt very highly if he will believe me as past behavior tends to be indicative of what will happen in the future, especially when we have been back and forth and up and down for the past 6 years now.
    I’m actually not sure what to say, how to say it and what medium to use. We have a very high text rate due to my hearing issues. But I would truly like to see his reaction. Does this present a challenge to him? Or does it provide a bit of relief? I don’t know…



  337.  #337Azure Blu on August 6, 2015 at 4:02 pm

    Sassy,
    Why would you have to say anything>

    just be busy and don’t be available when he
    finally does text or call…

    I know how the on again off again feels… :-))
    of course we do know we have a part in it..
    but some of our part is letting them back in!

    Why don’t you start cding again…

    that is what made it much easier to NOT
    let BKcd back into my life after 2 years of
    on again off again!

    I’m sure that is what will make it easy for me to
    let go of Spirit
    when I meet a man that makes me feel safe, heard, understood and is fun!



  338.  #338Sassy on August 6, 2015 at 5:04 pm

    Azure

    I still have to be involved on a professional level. And he knows me well enough that when I turn a cold shoulder, which inevitably I will because I’m angry and hurt, he will want to know why.

    I have seen other men a few times during these years, but I can’t seem to get away from him. He’s in my heart and soul. I just am sorry I’m not in his.



  339.  #339Sassy on August 6, 2015 at 5:06 pm

    I need a breather. I have two more businesses I will be starting and I need to concentrate on them.

    Men just cannot be on my radar



  340.  #340Azure Blu on August 7, 2015 at 5:58 am

    Sassy #338
    I agree… listen to your heart
    Always good to take a breather…
    Sounds so exciting to start *2* new businesses
    good luck!



  341.  #341Azure Blu on August 7, 2015 at 6:21 am

    Sirens,
    Happy Friday Sirens!!!

    Sooo… I managed to listen to a new cd -R-
    talk negatively about a political issue
    and I simply listened and said “ohhh…”
    or “I see”
    Yay!!! YAY!!! happy dance!!! this feels HUGE to me!!!

    and as i observed my interactions during this…
    it felt like he was trying to get a reaction from me
    (we have discussed our political differences on our first date)
    and I didn’t get triggered!!! Yay!!!!!!!

    I had decided after another meltdown with Spirit about politics and religion on Tue.
    I wanted to Stop *MY* part in the whole issue!

    Sooo me overfunctioning (getting worked up during a political or religious conversation)
    prevents me from taking good care of *ME*
    and actually seeing why I would be feeling triggered…
    I get the power back!!!
    ohhh…. geee!!! this is a VERY good day!!!

    This has been a big trigger for years!
    One where I would loose my composure…

    I’m so EXCITED to gain my power over this!

    Wow!! this just shows how important CDing is…
    Soooo much FREE therapy!!
    THANK YOU RORI!!!!



  342.  #342Azure Blu on August 7, 2015 at 6:41 am

    right After our argument on Tuesday night
    Spirit reinvited me to Wed. night Trivia
    that we have been playing at a local bar for the past 2 weeks…
    (this is something he is doing more… to plan an event with us in advance)
    I accepted
    I walked in with a happy to see you attitude and after a little while of both feeling a little nervous
    after our tiff the night before
    I said I was sorry for reacting so negatively
    that he manages to stay calm… and how is it a discussion if I react that way?

    He then apologized to me and said he has a very bad habit of egging people on and he should have stopped way before…

    I approached him with an open heart..
    and he was able to open his heart!!!

    I also shared with him that it meant soo much to me that he was able to talk to me on the phone (that night )
    and work through our argument!

    When I think about the arguments we’ve had
    and he has stayed steady NOT running away
    is when
    *I* am honest and vulnerable about MY feelings
    NOT accusing him!!
    In those moments He has been able to share his feelings…
    I want to listen MORE carefully to his feelings when this happens…
    I have a tendency to blank out
    when *HE* talks about his feelings…
    IGNORE his feelings, NOT respect what he is
    sharing with me!!
    WoW!!!!



  343.  #343Lovergirl on August 7, 2015 at 8:04 am

    I’ve been pondering things about myself and why I can’t seem to get the love I want from S or any man. Maybe it is because I guard my heart and do not open up enough. It is very difficult for me to be trusting and open with with a man.

    I have been working on that though and I feel like S has been the recipient of more of my true self than any other man in my life. I’ve been more real and honest with him than anyone, and since I found Rori’s material, even more so. Yet, he still doesn’t love me, at least not the way I want to be loved. I feel like such a failure and even more afraid of dropping my guard with the next man.

    I know this is probably a bad thing but it’s how I feel. Like I’m so closed off I can’t even feel my own emotions anymore, let alone share them with a man. The only time I was actually able to cry was when S called me. It’s like it re-opened my ability to feel again. Now though, its shut off. I am back to square one and I don’t know how to change that.



  344.  #344Azure Blu on August 7, 2015 at 8:31 am

    Lovergirl,
    for me, these are issues that I have struggled with my whole life also… I imagine all of us here on Siren Island do…
    BUT sense Rori
    SLOWLY but surely… as I continue to listen to, explore and LOVE *MY* feelings
    I have been able to practice opening up
    baby-step by baby-step
    with ALLL my relationships MORE and MORE…

    It takes time and patients with ourselves…
    As you read about each of our journeys here
    you can see this is a life time thing…
    Rori has a post about
    RELAX, you will never be “THERE”
    if we can love the NOW
    and how perfect NOW is
    and how BRAVE you
    are to be on this journey…
    most people don’t take this path!!!

    Huggs and love to you…
    lovely Siren
    give yourself a BIG round of applause
    you are doing GREAT!!!



  345.  #345Sami Wunder on August 7, 2015 at 8:34 am

    # Lovergirl Hi. This is Sami.

    Although only reading on a computer screen, I can feel your sadness from miles away and I know how heavy and sinking this kind of hopelessness can feel.

    I want to assure you that no matter how overpowering these bad feelings feel right now, they will clear out and you will be able to connect again with your own happiness and abundance. Give these feelings of sadness some love from you and remember they are not permanent even though right now it may seem that way to you.

    Secondly, it might help you to know that when we experience connection with a man – it´s because of who “we are being” with him and has little to do with the man himself. In other words, you feel a connection with S because you probably allowed yourself to be “you” with him, to be vulnerable with him, you opened up to him. This is a beautiful thing and it means that this beauty / this power of vulnerability lies in you. You created this experience of connection within you – S was just there.

    This also means it can be re-created, re-felt, this feeling of connection with any other good man out there…The hard part, as you already know, is to keep ourselves open when all that our vibe wants to do is to shut down and cover some kind of pain that is coming up for us (being triggered). This is where the inner work lies.

    To say more I´d need to know more ( sometimes our childhood has to do with our guardedness / sometimes traumatic experiences / a zillion things can be going on that cause us to shut down) but for now just seeing how aware you are tells me you´re on a great track !! Love, Sami



  346.  #346Indigo on August 7, 2015 at 8:42 am

    Azure Blu 328,

    He shared that he felt the same way, that we were falling too much into a routine, and that he too would like to organise date nights. He said that whilst he would love to spend lots of money on me, that he was having a few financial worries at the moment. He also asked me to please relax and trust him.

    And lo and behold, last night he took me on the most lovely dinner date – he booked, planned, picked me up, took me to a lovely restaurant, paid… all without me having to say a word. 🙂



  347.  #347Indigo on August 7, 2015 at 8:45 am

    (((Sassy)))



  348.  #348Indigo on August 7, 2015 at 8:49 am

    Lovergirl,

    I want to echo what Sami is saying… in the sense that if you felt that way with S, it was because all of that was inside YOU, it was what YOU were capable of. There were so many beautiful things I felt with and towards D… most of them defied description. I used to think he was the source of them, or that he inspired them somehow, that they were contained in him… but no, that was not true. They were inside me all along, and I only felt safe bringing them out when I was with him, but they were always there. The more you can own your specialness and your brilliance and your loveableness, the more you can experience these things with other people, and with yourself. I used to project all the adorable things that were inside me onto other people, but realising that they were actually *mine* to have and enjoy was a wonderful feeling 🙂



  349.  #349Azure Blu on August 7, 2015 at 10:42 am

    Indigo #345
    Ahhh… sounds like a very romantic
    date with Biker!!!
    so wonderful!!



  350.  #350Mandy on August 7, 2015 at 11:41 am

    Ahhh.

    I feel the pain of the separation. J keeps trying to pull me back in. I’m lagging, I’m dragging this on, putting it off, letting him woo me just a little more and it’s really got me anxious inside. I wish I could figure out that information on how to separate emotionally. The un-bonding process.

    I wrote this to J:

    “I feel stuck. I can’t be in a sexless situation and yet you don’t want to be touched and I don’t want to hurt you.

    I don’t know what to do and I’m very upset, depressed, helps, and very confused. But I can’t stay stagnant here, I need to live my life and be happy. I need to know if you are willing to work on this or if this situation just isn’t happening…I need you to make a decision very soon.

    Jerod, I love you so much it hurts, and I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. If we are not going to be intimate, then we need to change our relationship status to friends. It is not fair to keep me in a situation where I feel neglected, and there is so much more giving than receiving that I feel drained. It is not right to keep me in a situation where I am ultimately unhappy. If we end up being friends and living together, nothing will change except the label we choose for ourselves, and probably I will be respecting your personal space more and not touching you unless you ask me, it feels like things would be less painful and easier for us that way…we would basically be truthful about who we really are, because a couple without lovemaking isn’t a couple, it’s a false relationship. I don’t want a false relationship.”

    He’s already admitted he’s sick of not being enough for anyone. He’s already told me he wants out of this apartment. I know this is a co-dependant relationship and we’d both be better off single to let ourselves grow.

    So why am I having such trouble just saying this to him? I’ve never been this scared in my whole life.

    I mean, I’m just terrified stiff.



  351.  #351Azure Blu on August 7, 2015 at 11:47 am

    ((((Mandy))))
    you are being brave… you are getting closer…
    and closer to what you really want…
    listening to your strong, sweet heart!
    I know how scary it feels…
    You will do this when you are ready!!
    oxoxo



  352.  #352Rori Raye on August 7, 2015 at 7:05 pm

    Jen, hi I’m so sorry he just disappeared… And that seems to be the way things are happening a lot these days… Ghosting they call it. The cure for this …which is the cure for nearly everything is Circular Dating. Read everything you can on the website here to learn how to do it and we will help… Love Rori



  353.  #353Linda on August 7, 2015 at 7:31 pm

    I went out tonight by myself with the intention of going to a local winery and listen to the outdoor live music and buy a glass of wine and relax. I packed up my chair, drove there and was looking for a place to park, but then all the sudden it mattered that I was alone. I couldn’t muster the strength to get out the car. I feel sad that I so self absorbed and I couldnt pull it together and get out of the car.

    I ate alone at a nearby restaurant and everyone was with someone, eating, talking…I felt small and overwhelmed with being out and alone..I piney for my dreams be reality.



  354.  #354MissStix on August 7, 2015 at 10:03 pm

    I feel certain that my relationship is coming to an end.
    I feel eerily calm about it.
    I am considering how much I want a relationship that is going somewhere, with hopes, dreams, goals, plans. He wants the relationship we have. It has been a nice relationship, so I understand where he’s coming from. He wants what he wants, I want what I want.
    We just had a big talk about half an hour ago. I felt a connection sever.
    I feel over any anger, frustration, denial, pain, confusion, guilt. I feel serene. Not like lashing out. Those feelings have been and gone. I guess i’ve seen this coming for months and I have done a lot of my processing already.
    I guess i’m ready. I feel a pang of sadness in my chest at this thought now.
    I know the next step after our conversation is to legitimize the fact that we are both free to see other people. I don’t know how or when to do that….Probably it will just happen. It will just come up naturally like everythimg else has.
    Then I will have to think about CDing for real. I don’t feel fully ready to think about that seriously yet.



  355.  #355MissStix on August 7, 2015 at 10:09 pm

    That was the long way of saying he doesn’t want to get married and I do. I have tried to meet him halfway and I can not do it and feel genuinely content within our relationship.
    Therefore…My choice will be to no longer be a girlfriend.
    He told me he already thinks of me as his wife. That felt like a sweetly baited trap. It struck me hard in fact.
    Then there is also children. He doesn’t want to even talk about children for years to come.
    I have spun this so many ways and I am certain the best option for me and my life is this.



  356.  #356Lovergirl on August 7, 2015 at 10:47 pm

    Thank you Azure, Sami and Indigo. All of your comments were very comforting and helpful. I like the idea that I can be “me” with other people. It’s something I really need to work on. I’m trying to date various men, but I find that I am very closed off with all of them, perhaps even more so than I was before I met S.

    S was always very curious about me, wanted to know more about me, wanted me to expose my real feelings about things. He would ask me a million questions and wanted me to look at him and really TALK to him about how I felt. He’d get upset if he didn’t think I was being open enough. It kind of forced me to open up more and I think that was a good thing. Most men don’t pry that much and its harder for me to just come out with stuff on my own. Plus S is very much like me in how he tries to cover up his feelings by joking or sarcasm. I feel like he “gets” me more than most.

    Right now, I feel like just completely shutting down my emotions. I don’t want an emotional connection with anyone, it feels too painful. I can’t even really feel that sad about S. I think about him a lot but I really don’t feel much. I’m just kind of numb and disassociated, with occasional anger.

    Tonight I was working at a ball game in a big stadium (I work in sales). RadioCD had told me he had gotten tickets from the station and was going to be there with some family and friends. He asked where I would be and I told him, but he never came to see me! I texted about an hour into the game and just asked where are you but no answer. I was a bit baffled by that and it kind of hurt my feelings. Other than that, he always seems super into me, texting and wanting to see me.

    Instead, I ran into Chicago! He said his daughter was at a birthday party there. I hadn’t really heard from him, since I basically dumped him, other than a text a few weeks ago asking how I am doing. He tried to get me to kiss him but I said I am working. Then he was asking to see me again sometime. Awkward…

    Then there was this other guy, who was probably only about 20 years old that gave me some free food. He was a vendor and my male co-worker and I were hungry so I took his offer. Well, he and his friend were trying to talk to me and he asked for my number before getting us drinks. I told my co-worker you’d better eat this stuff, I basically pimped out my number for it and he was laughing at me because this young guy kept texting and texting me. He must have texted me 20 times tonight and I think I answered twice. Both times I was like thank you but I can’t hang out tonight sorry. Ugh. Now I have to let this guy down somehow and hope I don’t run into him when I am out there again.



  357.  #357Indigo on August 8, 2015 at 1:31 am

    Victoria,

    I want to thank you for this on the previous thread:

    “On a very pragmatic level, what I learnt from Rori and this blog is not to be critical of the man and not to try to change him and correct him. I leart to praise good behavior and withdraw and lean back in cases of bad behavior/disrespect without saying any critical words. This works like a charm.”

    Such sweet wisdom. Thank you!



  358.  #358Sami Wunder on August 8, 2015 at 3:15 am

    # Jen

    I am a certified coach trained by Rori Raye and you´re welcome to speak with me free for 30 mins if you need more focused help with your situation.

    Just click on my name and it will take you to my website. Love, Sami



  359.  #359Sami Wunder on August 8, 2015 at 3:19 am

    # Lovergirl!

    You´re so very welcome and the next time the shut down vibe takes over, stop and ask yourself – What about this experience is causing me to shut down? Slowly but steadily you will be able to untie the tied up knots. Love, Sami



  360.  #360Femininewoman on August 8, 2015 at 3:54 am

    MissStix I feel for you. And I also know that many times when couples come to this type of juncture is when change happen. When the woman sticks to her life dreams and is willing to honor herself and go after what she wants it can inspire a man to really look at himself. Look at his life and realize he wants to be a great man and wants more for his life. I honor you for speaking up, and for going after what you want. It is inspiring. I feel happy that you feel serenity around it regardless of the fact that there might be some fear of possible change. I know you got this but I just wanted to say “yayy you, you can do this”.



  361.  #361Sapphire on August 8, 2015 at 4:14 am

    Lovergirl
    What the lessons you have learn’t from S.
    Men come in to our lives to teach us lessons we need to learn to become whom we are destined to be. I can feel that you are starting to understand this but putting it down in words will help you understand and make it real for you.
    Then along the way one special man gets to stay and enjoy all of us
    Love Sapphire x



  362.  #362Kim on August 8, 2015 at 4:21 am

    I am with you too Miss Stix. Being stuck in what I call a dead end relationship (I did it three times), time goes by so fast and then what? It’s probably the reason why I don’t have, and never will have a family of my own.
    I call it lame.
    I really do. As soon as I get into an exclusive relationship/live in situation, it seems the man takes a big breath – and relaxes into it. Like he has the prize and all is wonderful.
    I also want the relationship to grow, and have goals and dreams together, I want to get married.
    I don’t see this happening here either.
    I feel trapped. Happy but not complete and trapped.

    This weekend is our 2 year anniversary (on and off but on for a year). It was kinda my deadline. I feel off and he catches onto it but we already talked at length 6 or more months ago when he told me basically he wants the same thing, and is just thinking of a way of making it special for us. Whatever that means. Right now it’s not very special for me.
    We had planned to do stuff this weekend and I cancelled lunch with gf’s today….then it turns out he is going fishing with his work friends all day today…when they were supposed to go at night, on a Friday, for weeks but one guy vetoed it. My man can’t veto anything, at least he can’t say ‘I have other plans, can we not stick to friday night?’

    You know, I love him but I think and believe the universe or whatever, is guiding us exactly to where it wants us to be. Maybe it is not meant to be. Maybe there is something much better around the corner. Maybe they change and step up.
    Who knows.
    I am staying open, but just like you…I know what I want and what is good for me. That is the main ingredient to a content life….took me years to understand this. There are plenty of compromises to be made, but sometimes, with some things, there just are no compromises.

    I just saw pictures of one of my friends, who is ten years younger than me and getting married the second time. They look so happy. He looks so happy and proud to call her his wife. They have a baby on the way…a small scale casual wedding. I couldn’t help but feel that I want a man who will beg me to be his wife, who will be as excited as a little puppy…else, honestly, I don’t see the point in washing someone’s dirty socks…lol. It doesn’t excite me to be a live-in girlfriend with no plan, no excitement, no goals and no dreams together….nah.



  363.  #363IamHis on August 8, 2015 at 5:18 am

    I didn’t do anything wrong, and I am absolutely done, DONE with beating myself up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



  364.  #364Femininewoman on August 8, 2015 at 6:13 am

    Kim – My man can’t veto anything, at least he can’t say ‘I have other plans, can we not stick to friday night?’

    Many men can’t because they know the teasing that will come after. Guys can be very cruel to each other when they know the guy is choosing the girl over them. It is not that they have no balls it is just the way it is. Peer pressure can be very overwhelming and their friends opinions are important to them. It takes a lot guts and maturity to go against the current. And my opinion is a man has to be in the stage of his life where he wants what he wants and really don’t care about what the guys say. Especially when they are not married. When married it seems their focus and agendas change. Maybe if your guy had some married friends in his circle he would see things differently and behave differently.

    I wouldn’t judge him for it if I were you. I’d just try to find a calm place within myself to really lean back without anger and without saying anything so he feels the resolute vibe. This could possibly affect him so much on the fishing trip that he does not enjoy it. If he admits that he didn’t just believe him.



  365.  #365Kim on August 8, 2015 at 6:22 am

    FW they are all married except for him – and they have many many times cancelled plans because it interferes with their wives plans. All the time.
    This is why it annoys me. I am always the last to consider.
    Reminds me to when his sister was here. The plans we had all made and what I wanted didn’t even matter anymore and I wasn’t even given the courtesy to be told as much, only silence and being left hanging.
    It’s a commin thing. It’s more fact than judgement and comes from being with a man who isn’t alpha and sadly doesn’t have a lot of confidence to speak up to anyone, even if it is just waiters in a restaurant bringing tge wrong food or deink, whatever it is…it is tough for me to accept which is why I think maybe his hesitancy with everything, including commitment, is actually a blessing in disguise.
    There were some incidents, also when we had an accident with the car, that left me feeling like the man who has to take charge else nothing happens.
    I am tired of that. To be fair, it doesn’t happen every day, but it certainly happens enough to have me feel off a d pressed into a masculine role that I do not want.



  366.  #366Kim on August 8, 2015 at 6:23 am

    Sorry for the typos, my sausage fingers on the ipad lol



  367.  #367Kim on August 8, 2015 at 6:27 am

    Quite often on a thursday, he has a commitment with a friend or more, to do something on a friday or saturday…and they cancel, like an hour before – this is South Florida, they are all flakes lol…or worse, they leave him/us hanging and then still cancel – and then suddenly he is like: oh now I am free by the way’ , sometimes those plans involved me too and it drives me crazy. It drives me nutso, having gotten prepared for something and then someone cancel or change plans at the last minute.
    And yet, this never works in my favor, seemingly, because he would never dream on cancelling on a friend…not even if I was in ER in hospital. Which, frankly, sucks.



  368.  #368Kim on August 8, 2015 at 6:34 am

    Eh whatever, I am just grumpy at this point. It’s obviously a lot about me. I am 40 this year. I have been starting to get peri-meno symptoms here and there.
    It’s a real awakening….my fertility is going, I am starting to go gray, I have noticed that time is finite, and most/many of the things I want to accomplish are on hold for one reason or other.
    I am unmarried and childless because all through my 30’s I picked men that were unavailable for one reason or another…let it be a lesson ladies. If you want to start a family, don’t p*ss away your time with an unavailable man. I wasn’t even all for starting a family, but now, as it is pretty much too late, I am wondering whether that was a mistake.
    Oh well.
    I say that again: never never p*ss away your valuable time, and your wishes just to keep hold of a specific guy who might not even want what you want. Suddenly you’re in your 40′ s and you watched everybody get married and have babies and you realize: ok, it’s over for me.
    Sorry to be so bleak, but as women, we can not have families into our 60’s while men can.
    Fact.



  369.  #369Femininewoman on August 8, 2015 at 6:35 am

    Oh my Kim. This throws a totally different light on the picture. I know some don’t like this kind of thinking but frankly I would encourage you to bring it all back to you.

    Ask yourself what it is about you that would draw in a man like this?

    What is it that you are saying that might suggest you don’t want something serious or total commitment?

    I am reminded of the book Power vs Force. Look at the energy that is coming at you and see how you can use it to your advantage. Don’t fight it.



  370.  #370Femininewoman on August 8, 2015 at 6:44 am

    RE 368 – Kim I have seen coaches, particularly men who talk about this phenomenon. I believe even Carol Allen. It is not bleak. It is just a truth that we have to be conscious of as we live our lives.

    However, I still ask you to look at your beliefs and choices. Many women have babies up to in their 50s. If you want children, honestly at 40 it is not too late. It is somewhat about what you believe about life and yourself.



  371.  #371Kim on August 8, 2015 at 7:02 am

    370 Thanks FW, well, I have kinda put that to bed. I noticed as well as all the other stuff happening to my body, that my energy levels are starting to go down too…I don’t even know if I could cope/would want to cope with raising a family anymore. I had boundless energy up to about 2-3 years ago and particukarly this year I noticed that it takes longer for me to recover from a very physically active day, than it used to. Much longer than 10 years ago or so.
    That may not actually apply to other people, everybody is different…but I see some women my age/older really struggle with difficult pregnancies and health issues, plus the routine of very young children, partly due to those aging and energy issues, maybe it’s also in the mind, but my friends in their late 29’s or early 30’s are having a much easier time seemingly.
    I would not want to have a child so late in life, that’s also personal preference, by which I mean past 43 or so. I am too scared for my health and the child’s health and whether I would have enough energy and patience to be a great mother whilst also struggling with my own hormones and tolerance levels changing…
    IDk.
    I was always ambiguous anyway.



  372.  #372Kim on August 8, 2015 at 7:07 am

    369, yes, I agree it is definitely about me.
    I have attracted all kinds of men…different…so that part is probably more of a fluke, but the ones that stick to me or I stick with them, that’s obviously a reflection of me. And my own stuff.
    I am getting better and faster at recognizing when things are not working out how I want them to, and CDing and Rori has helped with that.
    Like I said, lifetime is finite and I am happily single again too, so I do not worry about my future. I just worry about getting stuck. I have no intentions to get stuck again at the housemaid level for an uncommittal man.
    No thanks.



  373.  #373Indigo on August 8, 2015 at 7:09 am

    I feel that we need to be asking ourselves all the time what we want and need, and what would feel good to us, because that can change. Over the years, and even from one day to the next, I feel we always have to be in tune with ourselves. As the saying goes – never regret something you did, because at some time it was exactly what you wanted. I know this is painting with a rather broad brush, but it’s how I try to live my life. No regrets. Even on the time I spent with unavailable men, because at that time I was unavailable in my own way, and they taught me so so so much, gave me so much love and good memories and lessons to take with me. It’s hard for me to regret anything that has happened in my life up until now because I like myself, and I wouldn’t be me if I hadn’t lived this unique life. I try to be kind to myself in the sense of seeing how far I’ve come, how I’m learning and softening and growing all the time.

    Gosh, there is so much on my heart right now, I can’t find the words for all of it. Something clicked for me this time I broke it off with D; that my life is unfolding like a story, and judging it would be like judging the pages in a book. There are powerful things that come out of all of our lives, and if things didn’t happen the way that they did, those things might not have come to be. I guess I’m feeling right now in a place of such compassion, for myself and for other people that have been a part of my life.



  374.  #374Kim on August 8, 2015 at 7:16 am

    Indigo..I don’t regret anything.
    I am just stating fact, which is that time is finite, and chances for starting a family etc., for those who want to, are finite.
    Unfortunately, that’s fact.
    I know at least 2 women who do bitterly ‘regret’ having stayed in dead end relationships for over 10 years…and now in their mid 50’s and childless…because the men didn’t want to get married and/or have children.
    I am merely saying to be aware of this when one does want a family and have kids.
    Me, I have always been ambiguous so I see it very philosophical, honestly. Wasn’t meant to be.
    However, finding oneself suddenly with a life wish denied because one stuck with the wrong man or men too long, yes, that can cause a lot of regret I believe.
    It’s sad.
    I don’t know about you but my time is very valuable and I wouldn’t want to waste it….and sadly, pining after an unavailable man and trying to change him and trying to fit a square peg into a round hole is my definition of wasting time. Even if I may not have thougt so at the time. Now, with more awareness and hindsight, I wouldn’t waste my time like that again, I would rather be single, date and have fun.



  375.  #375Indigo on August 8, 2015 at 8:17 am

    Jen 328,

    Many of the sirens here on the blog have been in a similar situation. How long have you been with this guy, and how long since he disappeared?

    The best advice, and what nearly everyone here will tell you, is to let him go. Try your best to refocus on yourself and your own life, and try to turn your thoughts away from him since he is no longer in front of you. There’s tons of support here on the blog.



  376.  #376Azure Blu on August 8, 2015 at 11:57 am

    ((((Kim))))
    Ahhh… lovely Siren… I’m glad you are sharing your feelings and thoughts with us!
    Thank you…
    Of course turning 40 would cause you to consider where you were and where you are going…
    Yes, it is possible to have a child after 40
    my sister and her husband did (she was 43)
    and they have an amazing child that is attending
    a top 10 University and is soooo sweet, smart and beautiful…
    But there were worries about the pregnancy..
    All of your fears are real
    listen to your feelings…
    I can feel your frustration about feeling
    NOT a priority to MoM sometimes..
    not sure how to turn that around…
    maybe now is a time to talk to one of the many wonderful Rori coaches… they are so helpful
    in working through times like this
    in only one or 2 sessions.
    Sami Wunder has helped me!!!
    oxoxoxo



  377.  #377MissStix on August 8, 2015 at 3:21 pm

    Femininewoman, thank you. I need the support.

    Kim, Happy but not complete. Yup. Exactly.

    He is a high quality partner. We have both grown together so much over the years. I don’t blame him. I have professed many times that I may not ever want to get married again.
    Then I went through the process of filing my divorce and my whole outlook changed. I wanted it when I did it and have always wanted it. I was just walled up for a time. I did have what I wanted with J. He provided exactly what I needed at exactly the right times. He changed the space around me and altered my path of growth. Some of it was rough and some of it was ecstasy.
    Feeling emotional now.
    He is good and I don’t feel angry at him and the last thing I want to do is cause him pain.
    I feel loved every day, even now.
    Maybe he will change his mind…If he doesn’t. I don’t know. I’m not afraid but I have a deep sense of how hard it will be to stand up and walk on.



  378.  #378Sassy on August 8, 2015 at 3:55 pm

    Ok ladies,

    Another weird question has been posed and I’m hoping at least some of you can give me your take on this.

    If you were in the early stages of dating and have been intimate on a fairly regular basis, how would you react, feel and/or even address your man consistently having ED?



  379.  #379Millie on August 8, 2015 at 11:30 pm

    So I met a new guy from online today: the super hot guy I wrote about last week. I honestly didn’t expect to meet him because we live pretty far apart and He had written on his profile that he didn’t want to meet anyone that lives beyond a certain distance. I figured he would flake out and felt like I’m probably not his type anyway. But he surprised me, drove up to my part of town and we met at the beach. He is just as attractive person and was very sweet, mellow, had a relaxed confidence. I was thinking… Here is a quality man with options… His vibe wasn’t desperate and when he talked about the online dating experience he had a sense of humor about it and did not seem discouraged by lack of success. I felt a huge physical attraction between us, it felt good to feel my fire lit up. At one point I thought he asked me how the date was going in third person,but I had misheard him and responded with I don’t know, how is the date with Millie going? At that moment he kissed me and it felt amazing. We kissed on the beach.. A lot… And I made a comment about it and he said well you have to kiss on the first date because what if it’s horrible? I had to laugh but it also made me feel like he kisses all his dates. But I decided to not worry about that and focus on our date. We proceeded to show other what bad kissing was and it was really fun! I felt very relaxed and at ease and just wildly attracted to him. There was definitely physical chemistry, so I’m going to have to work on reining that in and taking it slow… It will definitely be hard. On other levels we both love to travel and talked a lot about that, he’s going on a trip by himself this month. He looked me in the eyes as he talked, leaning over the table. but due the distance and different social circles, I’m not sure if there is relarionship potential. He said he didn’t want to see his date on weekends only, so I felt myself wondering why he met me
    knowing that it most likely would turn into weekends. I asked him actually, and he said he wanted to meet me and see where it goes. To myself I said I’m a beautiful woman, who is a catch, why wouldn’t he go the distance to meet me?! He asked me to go to a pool party with him tmrw but it is ridiculously far, so we agreed to meet next weekend. I have no idea how this CD with play out, but I’m interested to see what happens next.

    Meanwhile I have given my number out to other guys, but haven’t had the desire to meet them. I want to try dating three at a time, so I have to find some other quality prospects.

    M who?



  380.  #380Sassy on August 9, 2015 at 5:59 am

    Sirens,

    HELP! I’m supposed to see biker man tomorrow to go over some work stuff. We haven’t talked at all about anything on a personal level.

    I’m feeling very nervous and butterflies in my tummy.

    Do I try to discuss us or do I just maintain the professional vibe and stay physically leaned back?

    Do I stay open, soft and warm even though I’m dying inside and feel furious and feel hurt?
    I feel lost



  381.  #381Azure Blu on August 9, 2015 at 7:21 am

    (((Sassy))))
    a few posts back you had mentioned
    Bikerman was coming back in town
    and he was going to talk about things between you…
    Did that happen?



  382.  #382Azure Blu on August 9, 2015 at 7:30 am

    Sassy #378
    At my age, the men I date, generally suffer from some of this (ED)

    The last CD that I was with for 2 yrs. did NOT suffer
    from this unless he had been drinking too much (and men I knew in there 20’s suffered if they drank too much or were nervous)…
    so we never had to talk about this…

    the one I am having sex with now (not very often)
    also suffers much when having had too much to drink
    now that i’m thinking about it… he might have more ED than I know… and that is why he doesn’t want to have sex too often… :-/

    I would think It would be an important conversation to bring up – BUT very delicate one!!!
    if this is an issue… what about the little blue pill
    or is there alternatives?

    I guess I might start with discussing MY sexual excitement
    and how it has changed over the years…



  383.  #383Azure Blu on August 9, 2015 at 7:33 am

    Millie #379
    Yay you!!! Sounds like a great date…
    I do know what you mean about being geographically challenged…
    I really don’t want to date anyone too far away either…
    BUT if the man is eager to drive most of the time
    it would worth persueing…
    and he sounds GREAT@@@!!!



  384.  #384Azure Blu on August 9, 2015 at 7:45 am

    (((Linda #353)))
    I totally know what you are talking about…
    I too have gotten up my courage… saw something online that was going on in my city and
    got all dressed up… looked and felt great
    and then got there and felt *SO* alone and left out
    and tired of doing things alone…
    I never got out of the car!!!!

    This has been going on for several years now…

    All of a sudden – after having soooo many dates-
    receiving and accepting all of the caring and attention from these lovely men…

    I saw that a new restaurant was having a grand opening in a nearby town and decided to go alone…
    and I DID GET OUT OF THE CAR!!!
    It was sooo fun to sit at the bar, talking to the people near me… then sitting outside and talking to others..
    I had a GREAT time!!

    I know you say you are NOT ready to CD but
    you are in a NEW place in your life…
    maybe join a group that would have men in it…
    that would be interested in the same things you are?

    Huggs darling Siren…



  385.  #385Lovergirl on August 9, 2015 at 8:08 am

    Thank you Sami and Sapphire. Those are good questions to ask myself. I think I’m just not in a place yet to truly come up with the answers. When I ask myself what I learned from S, right now the only answer I can come up with is that I’m not good enough to get a man’s love, no matter what I do. I know that’s not what I am supposed to be learning but right now its how I feel. I feel hopeless, and I suppose that is why I am shutting down.



  386.  #386Lovergirl on August 9, 2015 at 8:18 am

    So I heard from RadioCD yesterday and told him I felt sad that he hadn’t stopped by to say hi at the ball game. He just said he was sorry. So I asked what happened and he claimed they were “running behind and got drunk” and didn’t see my gate. I wasn’t feeling very good about that answer.

    I mean, come on. He was the one who told me he was going to be there but made no effort whatsoever to see me and ignored my text? I said I felt kind of offended that he hadn’t responded to my text and he said “I am sorry! I also don’t get great service inside the stadiums…I am sorry! I am!!”

    I didn’t respond. Notice he said he doesn’t get great service but he DIDN’T say he didn’t get my text. I don’t know, it just all seems suspect. Maybe I’m not very trusting but if you all remember this is also the guy that accidentally forgot we were supposed to meet one night and was super apologetic after.

    He normally texts me every day and wants to see me once or twice a week. We’ve had a good time together, but I just feel leery.



  387.  #387Indigo on August 9, 2015 at 8:36 am

    Lovergirl,

    From where I’m standing, your self-worth is what all of this is about. You say you don’t feel you are not good enough to get a man’s love, and even though this is objectively far from true, if this is what you believe, this is what you will keep attracting into your life. And you will keep second-guessing your legitimate feelings about what guys are doing. I know, because I’ve been there.

    I would absolutely, 100% feel leery of RadioCD. I would absolutely, 100% feel hurt by all of S’s actions. Your radar/instincts/feelings are not off here. You just have to trust you are worth more and not cling to men who are not good for you because you believe you cannot get any better.



  388.  #388Lovergirl on August 9, 2015 at 8:38 am

    In other news, I saw the Boring guy yesterday. He got us both salads for dinner from a nearby restaurant and we ate them at his house. It kind of bugs me that he doesn’t ask what I want or like for dinner and just wants to sit in the house and eat. He’s on a no-carb diet and obsessed with his weight because he runs in track meets. He’s always showing off his medals to me.

    I get the not so subtle feeling he thinks I should be eating the same way. I’m not overweight or anything, and I have been working out again some, but I could be more toned. I just feel a bit pressured to be perfect around him.

    I also feel like he doesn’t really listen to me. He doesn’t seem all that interested when I talk about myself or my life. It’s like he’s only interested if its something that offers me status, like I’m making lots of money in my sales or getting into an event for free.

    I feel like S is the only man that ever showed real and genuine interest in ME. It makes me feel awful to think that it may not have been due to any kind of love or affection. I don’t really understand how he could have acted the way he did towards me and not feel the same way. I feel so confused.

    Also, the Boring guy wants to take me out to another concert, he says for my birthday (which is coming up). Only, its not a concert I’m really that excited about. Its more something that he would want to go to than me. He’s expressed that it excites him to go out with me on his arm and show me off. Maybe I should feel flattered, but I feel more used.



  389.  #389Indigo on August 9, 2015 at 8:42 am

    Sass 380,

    Purely my take… I think we women have a tendency to say too much, to initiate too many of the relationship discussions. A number of the Rori coaches advise against talking to a man about the relationship because it is leaning forward. As hard as it is to do, I believe this is good advice. If you want to say how you are feeling there is nothing wrong with that, but I don’t know what I would talk about “us”.

    Personally, if it were me, in an ideal situation I would say nothing – get the work stuff out of the way as quickly as possible and go back to leaning back. Take yourself out for a massage or lunch with your girlfriends or something. Experience has taught me that if a man is backing off, talking about the relationship will not work. *HE* should be the one being concerned about getting things back on track, otherwise it’s just a dead end. Sorry, but that’s just what my experience has been.



  390.  #390Lovergirl on August 9, 2015 at 8:51 am

    Indigo-

    Thanks. I feel like I SHOULD have more self worth. I mean what guy wouldn’t think I am a good catch? I’m attractive, I look young for my age, I have a good sense of humor and I think I’m fun to be around, I am a great cook, I am sexually open minded, I’m loyal, intelligent, and very caring. I just…must be lacking something and I don’t know what it is.



  391.  #391Indigo on August 9, 2015 at 9:26 am

    Lovergirl,

    “I’m attractive, I look young for my age, I have a good sense of humor and I think I’m fun to be around, I am a great cook, I am sexually open minded, I’m loyal, intelligent, and very caring”

    All of those things I’m sure are true, but I think you were missing my point… you are loveable simply because you ARE. You are loveable just because you’re a woman, just because you’re you. You say you think you “must be lacking something” – sorry Lovergirl, but that’s just not true. It’s a big fat lie that we tell ourselves – probably because the truth is scary – that the only thing keeping us from the love we want is our fear.



  392.  #392MissStix on August 9, 2015 at 9:27 am

    Feeling very “normal” so far today. I don’t know how else to describe it. If I look for feelings of agitation or anything off balance within me I find nothing.

    I did not have any expectation of what i’d be feeling over these days and possibly weeks or months of change. Mostly I feel surprised at how much easier everything became once we both laid it all bare. Like all the guck got scraped off.
    I feel surprised also by observing the mans response. Again I had no expectations because I have no experience with this. The last time I wanted to get married I was not the first to bring it up and it actually went ahead pretty quickly.

    There is a lot of tenderness, gentleness, thoughtfulness and caring there. More than before and in different ways. Ways he has never given indication that he is capable of. Some thoughts come up saying that he believes it is he that could be causing me pain while I believe I am causing him pain. And yet here we both stand not actually feeling pain at all. Being nice to each other and spending quality time with each other. Kissing, hugging, comforting, having s3x.

    I guess I did hold an expectation. A part of me expected him to freak out at my upheaval of our relationship. I know he likes what we have. I know he would be more than happy and willing to continue what we have and not change a thing. I know he loves me very much and wants me in his life.
    I haven’t really examined the possibility that he will say “Marry me.” It doesn’t seem likely and I want to focus on myself and how i’m existing through this.

    I have sudden questions. I won’t ask them out loud because they have no answers. They are those open ended life questions that always seem to answer themselves for me.

    I think I need to have at least one intention set for myself. I want to start very very small. The intention that immedately comes to mind is “open your mind and heart to the possibility of other men.” So it is written so it shall be. It will be positive to get used to the feeling before it is offically something I am going to “do”
    Hopefully it will start with a trickle.
    There is already a man I can flirt with and feel open to. This man would “sweep me off my feet” He already makes an effort to entertain me “every day” (we work together). These are things he tells me as I smile and nod and respond very little because up until now I have felt very afraid and closed off. Willing him to leave me alone. All because I DO feel attracted to him. All the bein quiet and willing this man away has not worked. There have been short periods…A week here and there where he seems to avoid me and gives me a wide birth. All to come back even stronger.
    What he’s doing is not lost on me.

    Anyways…Start with feeling open. That’s the intention for the coming week.



  393.  #393Azure Blu on August 9, 2015 at 11:25 am

    Sassy #389
    YES YES YES to the
    very insightful and wise advise from Indigo!



  394.  #394Azure Blu on August 9, 2015 at 11:30 am

    MissSticks #392
    “Start with feeling open. That’s the intention for the coming week.”
    Sounds like a great way to start YOUR week!!!



  395.  #395Liquid Light on August 9, 2015 at 11:43 am

    I had this weird almost breakdown on Friday. The manager at work, the one that has been trying to seduce me into an affair, really affected me that day. I was so upset and ended up in tears most of the day. The relationship with him has gotten really strained. I’ve been avoiding him as much as possible. He senses it and has been giving me the cold shoulder too. But somehow all of the pent up emotion hit me on Friday.

    I guess it was a combination of feeling sad about the whole thing. And feeling angry. So many emotions. I let myself be sucked into getting close to him because I believed that he valued my professional contributions to his project. I was totally blindsided when I realized that is was all about him getting me to let my guard down. It was a methodical well engineered plan. And he very nearly was successful. By the time I woke up to what he was doing, I was emotionally engaged. Its like he played perfectly.

    I think that’s why I had such an emotional day on Friday. It all hit me at once. And I realized what an emotional toll its taken on me. I won’t get involved with him but I feel so disappointed in myself for letting myself get as wrapped up as I did. And also for not realizing what was going almost before it was too late. This type of thing has happened to me so many times before that I thought was so smart about being able to sniff it out and avoid it. Sigh. Its just a drag because his is the only project I’m working on right now.

    Anyway, shortly on the heels of my breakdown, I had a breakthrough. It was amazing. I went from feeling absolutely rotten and horrible to feeling fantastic. So strange but I guess I had to let myself sink down to the bottom of my misery to be able to push through to the other side?

    Somehow though everything is different now. My sadness and deep disappointment that he didn’t value me for my skills that I brought to the project and instead valued me more for someone to have an affair with (my sexuality basically) has been replaced with the fact that I know I’m good at what I do. And I know my time is limited at my current position. Maybe this all happened for a reason, to push me out of this job and into something better. Whatever it is, I’m KNOW I need to leave, this is just the last straw (of many).

    Anyhow, I’m just feeling so optimistic about my life and realize its all a choice. So often I choose to be pessimistic and see the glass half full. I’m finally waking up the fact that everything is a choice. And it feels so great. I spent the day with my Mom and Dad, brother and niece and nephew yesterday and had an awesome time. In fact, I haven’t been that connected to my family in a really long time, especially my mother. I just realized how awesome she is and treated her with the respect and love that she deserves. It felt so great and I know she felt it too. It was absolutely amazing in fact!

    Big hugs and smiles to all of you sirens out there! Life is very good today!

    🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂



  396.  #396Sassy on August 9, 2015 at 12:15 pm

    Azure,

    Re ED. Thank you. I don’t know if the little blue pill subject has been approached. (This question does not pertain to me)

    I’m more curious if some women would consider this a deal breaker if it was a consistent issue with a new partner.

    I would hope if the subject was brought up it would be with sensitivity and respect!



  397.  #397Sassy on August 9, 2015 at 12:19 pm

    Azure,

    381. I saw him very briefly when he came back to town but there was no discussion other than why he was there. He then proceeded to fall asleep so I left.



  398.  #398Liquid Light on August 9, 2015 at 12:20 pm

    It always used to bug me when someone said “Its all good.” but now I get it. At least today I do. LOL 🙂



  399.  #399Sassy on August 9, 2015 at 12:24 pm

    Indigo,

    Thank you. Yes that was my thought too, to just focus on our work and if he leads into any kind of discussion then I will say what I need to say.

    I highly highly doubt he will bring anything up as he no longer contacts me just for the sake of it. Nor do I.



  400.  #400Azure Blu on August 9, 2015 at 12:28 pm

    Sassy.
    Wondering the age of the couple….
    I have noticed since i have been young…
    men suffer from nervousness in the beginning…

    but I have to say… When I was young…
    poor performance on a regular basis was a total turn off and one I was NOT willing to work on…
    Soooo many fish… I’m NOT a therapist!!!



  401.  #401Azure Blu on August 9, 2015 at 12:33 pm

    Sassy #397
    Ohhh… Mmmmm…
    Yeah… then Ditto (again) to Indigo’s wise thoughts!!!

    And Yes to your #399
    IMHO -Time to move on…
    As Kim says… YOUR time is VERY valuable…
    thank him (in your mind) for all you have learned…
    and focus on YOUR life!!!
    oxoxo



  402.  #402Azure Blu on August 9, 2015 at 12:36 pm

    Liquid L #395
    Wow!!!
    To be able to do a total turn around…
    What a Super Siren you are!!!

    feeling and accepting all the love that your family
    shares and fills YOU with is Wonderful!!!
    Sounds amazing how open hearted you were
    with your Mom and others…

    As far as that manipulative man you have had to work with…
    Give yourself a BIG applause for seeing it!!!
    and realizing You wont’ be there much longer!!!
    Yay YOU!!
    oxoxo



  403.  #403Sassy on August 9, 2015 at 12:37 pm

    Azure,

    I’m not sure exactly but I believe they are both in late 40’s early 50’s.



  404.  #404Sassy on August 9, 2015 at 1:57 pm

    Where is Purple Passion!



  405.  #405MissStix on August 9, 2015 at 1:58 pm

    Azure-
    Feels like the perfect start for me. Been sinking into this all day and I kind of like it.

    Boyfriend is treating me like (and even calling me) a queen today.
    I don’t know what he’s doing. The only thing I know how to do is melt and recieve. Suppose that’s a good thing!



  406.  #406Tereana on August 9, 2015 at 9:18 pm

    Jen (338) – you are posting in the right place. It’s just that there are so many comments on the blog, sometimes something might get missed. And I see you got some responses.

    Rori called it “ghosting.” But actually, you’re lucky. At least he told you what he was going to do.

    I was in a very similar situation. I was dating someone a while back, and he left with the intention of coming back and moving to my city. But then his parents had health issues, and he decided to stay near them. There was nothing I could do. Like you (I imagine), I wished that “where I stood” coukd have meant he could have both somehow. But I guess it didn’t work that way for him. And same for you. Men are decisive. All you can really do is decide what you want in a partner.

    So, like Rori said, CDing is the answer, because it will get you out of the rut of thinking about this guy. He may have been your boyfriend. But it looks like he has other priorities right now. So you get to focus on YOUR priorities.

    Does that make sense? Hope it’s not too harsh.



  407.  #407Millie on August 9, 2015 at 11:44 pm

    Haven’t had a chance to catch up on everyone’s posting!! But just wanted to share that Mechanic invited me over for dinner tonight. He cooked and it was really good! We watched a movie that both of us love and it was really sweet. He is dating someone, so no moves were made and I felt really safe and comfortable with us just being and hanging out. Overall a very lovely night 🙂



  408.  #408Indigo on August 10, 2015 at 12:12 am

    Ladies, I’m thinking of breaking it off with BikeCD.

    His good points are that he’s very consistent, and I’m sure would always be – he consistently wants to see me every day or close to it, he probably wants to see me more often than I want to see him. He’s consistent with contact as well, he always makes plans properly – calls, texts, never leaves me hanging, makes the plans, comes to fetch me. I can say with a fair amount of certainty that he’s pretty solid and safe, he’d never cheat on me, he’d always be there, he’d probably take this all the way to commitment and marriage. He’s good looking, although just in the little over a month we’ve been dating he has put on a little bit of weight and I will say that bothers me a little. I felt more turned on by his strong toned physique in the beginning, and he has said unprompted that he wants to go back to gym consistently next week but still it’s there. He’s sharp and clever and when he’s in good form I can talk to him about anything.

    Here’s what’s bothering me though. He seems to be in a sensitive stage with his business and he is very distracted. He’s with me but he’s not often “with” me, if you know what I mean. Lately I’ve been feeling like he’s around, but that I almost may not even be there. He seems to have a great deal on his mind and always thinking about other things. I’m feeling like the connecting and the *be*ing together, which is what I crave, is missing in big chunks. When we’re lying on the couch watching a movie, he has his hand on me absent-mindedly, if he touches me at all, and I can feel he’s a million miles away, and then he just falls asleep. He seems so tired when we go to bed and forgets to cuddle – if I remind him yes he will cuddle but otherwise he just goes to sleep and we barely touch all night and then he’s just up again early with a hug and a kiss and off doing things. There’s very little of that romance and connectedness that I crave, especially this early on. He seems to be obsessed with doing stuff and with making sure his business succeeds so he has a future. And though he always makes time for me, as I’ve said, he seems absent A LOT of the time when he does. There are occasional times when he does make an effort to be a bit more connected – like yesterday we took a ride out on the bike to go see my horse down the coast and have lunch on the way back, and I really enjoyed it, mostly for the chance to just be with him. I don’t know, things like this are great but I’m not sure if it’s enough. So often I feel the urge to kick him out of my flat because he just feels like he’s not seeing me.

    Maybe I should be more understanding but honestly I feel like this is not really what I signed up for. I want a best friend, a partner in crime. I really want someone to spend lazy weekend mornings cuddling in bed and having sex with… not all the time, but some of the time, without feeling like they want to rush out of bed to go and build something. I’ve tried talking to him, but I’m not sure if he really understands what I’m getting at, and he also seems to feel like it’s trying to change him.



  409.  #409Indigo on August 10, 2015 at 12:14 am

    When he’s in this distracted state he turns every bit of conversation back to himself – if I mention an experience or something about me instead of wanting to know more, he turns it back to himself, like he doesn’t really see me. I don’t like it at all.



  410.  #410Victoria on August 10, 2015 at 12:32 am

    Indigo,
    I see no reason for you to break it off with him, even though obviously it is your choice and your life.
    But I take your posting here about it as an invitation to comment, so here it goes.
    He might not be the man to take you to the sunset, but he is a wonderful opportunity for you to practice feeling messages. In fact, if you are not in love with him (I guess you’re not, otherwise you would not be considering breaking it off for him) – this is the best opportunity to work on being your authentic, feeling self. And, when you tell a man that you would like to do something else, this is not trying to change him, this is simple communication and sharing, because, believe it or not, people can not read each others thoughts :-).
    Maybe this is the challenge for you for this stage in your life? To learn to communicate to the man what you want without hurting him without trying to change him but in a way in which he can understand and accept your wishes as his wishes.
    This for me is the most challenging and difficult part of a relationship. Because in every relationship, sooner or later, you and your partner find out that you want to do different things. It is so easy when both naturally want the same thing – this is what I call true bliss. But sooner or later, differences will pop out, shy here, and outrageous there, and you will need to deal with them.
    And, we need to bring the focus back to us. Every time when we are overly concerned with what a man does not do, this is a sign that we are neglecting ourselves and we are out of focus. This is for me even more than it is for you.
    I am sending you love and positive vibrations 🙂



  411.  #411Indigo on August 10, 2015 at 12:59 am

    Victoria,

    Wow girl, how on earth did you get so wise.

    Yes thank you, I posted here as an invitation to comment, because invariably when I feel like this, I often find others’ perspectives helpful. Oh my goodness, you have articulated it so well! I don’t feel quite comfortable breaking it off yet because of exactly what you said… I need the practice. Communicating my wishes and feelings without hurting him or trying to change him. For me this also is the hardest part of relationships because it has blown up in my face so many times in my past. And I just finally feel like I’m getting to a stage of contentment with who I am, what I desire and what I feel. That I actually feel quite accepting and loving and non-judging of that.

    I love this: “And, we need to bring the focus back to us. Every time when we are overly concerned with what a man does not do, this is a sign that we are neglecting ourselves and we are out of focus.” It is SO true. I have been neglecting my friends, my me time… I think I’ve been so concerned about making sure BikeCD has all the time with me that he wants and with being “there” for him… and in truth it’s starting to not feel so good to me.

    Thank you my dear friend Victoria! And for the positive vibes!



  412.  #412Millie on August 10, 2015 at 1:14 am

    Indigo— I would offer that you reconsider breaking it off with him as well. This reminds me of M and how when he began to get preoccupied with work, I took it as something negative about the relarionship and made it about me. It seems he is showing up in all these wonderful ways and that is not something to quickly let go of, in my opinion. What I deeply regret with M was not understanding him and how important his job was to his masculinity. Because it took his emotional energy off of me, I began to question things and let my insecurity lead. When really, he was just being masculine and needing to take care of himself. I read somewhere that men are future thinkers and women need to think in the present… When we lose that, we lose our grounded ness. It sounds like he is losing some of his own grounded ness in his future and is stressed about regaining it. If I were in this situation again, I would focus on myself 100% and use the moments we are together to relax and find tools that help connectivity. Not a day goes by where I don’t regret my actions with M. But at the same time I totally hear you as well in your wondering if it’s not enough…. It sounds like you don’t know for sure yet, so I would give it time, space, and continue to cd of course.



  413.  #413Victoria on August 10, 2015 at 2:03 am

    Indigo,
    Thank you, thank you, blush, blush :-).
    I also agree with Millie that we women tend to underestimate how important a man’s job is to his masculinity. Especially, if you told him that you would love to have a house, now his mind is sent on the goal of making this possible for you as quickly as possible. And, all is going to be really well, as soon as you refocus on your own fun and activities.
    I personally have been guilty of wanting the men in my life to entertain me. Like, if he is not taking me out enough, not planning fantastic dates… I get restless. Even rolling in bed late into the morning without him rushing to be somewhere else gets old after a while.
    This is the human mind, we crave what we don’t have. I need to practice gratitude… But then again, this restlessness, looking for something else, for something more, vascilating between anxiety and enthusiasm, this is what being alive is all about, isn’t it? Nirvana is greatly overrated :-).



  414.  #414Femininewoman on August 10, 2015 at 3:17 am

    Indigo I would offer that you do pull back a little. You are always there, he is always there. Time to check out absence makes the heart grow fonder, a little bit. When things are new they hold intrigue and novelty. As time pass it gets kinda old. This is the time we get to practice creativity to keep the spark going. Some space, some living your own life, some experiencing more of your passions might shake this up a little bit for the better. Offer him the time he needs to take care of his business. For all you know he is also concerned about being able to provide for you in the future and wanting to know that he can actually do it well.



  415.  #415Labbit on August 10, 2015 at 4:59 am

    410 Victoria — Wow, what an awesome response!!! I love everything you’ve said here.

    411 Indigo — To layer in with Femininewoman’s astute observations, I too have felt the frustration you’re feeling many times. Just a month or a couple of months ago with Tender…he was SO busy with work and it was driving me NUTS. Going back into my relationship history this is one of those situations that would stump me, where I really had no idea what to do. And while taking time for myself is important…I have to admit that it often wasn’t a satisfying answer, because in effect I was creating space between us…and while I know this causes him to rubberband back to me, there’s a part of me that was wondering, can’t there be a way to bring him back closer without first creating distance? I don’t like the distance. I don’t want the distance. The distance is HARD. I have read many stories about Sirens here being able to turn that distance around in minutes or hours…usually for me though it would take days, and to me days is a long time when you really like or love someone.

    Anyway, one of my books suggested a slightly different path that has worked VERY well for me recently. It noted that all humans have a nervous system function called habituation, which basically means that over time we ignore things that are routine and focus our attention on things that are new, different. Makes sense — we have so much stimulus around us on a daily basis that of course we need to prioritize what we spend our mind power on…

    …anyway, in the context of relationships this means that we can fall into a rut without meaning too because while our brain pays attention to new and different, it also LIKES routine. So the solution for me was to start investigating the places in my relationship where I was allowing things to get too routine…how I greeted Tender when he got home from work (of if I was the last to come home, how I greeted him then); our bed time routine; our sex routine; our morning/breakfast routine…really everything I wanted to look at.

    I found LOTS of places where we were mechanically doing the same thing every day or night. Which was great, because this meant lots of opportunities to introduce change. Instead of being right at the door when Tender comes home I started being in a different room so he had to ‘hunt’ for me…instead of automatically laying on the couch with him every night after dinner I’d maybe go read a book or clean a room or even head into our spare bedroom to paint or draw a bit…if he went off to play games or talk to the boys after dinner I’d take a long bath or get really into my beauty routine, whatever made me feel good in that moment. I also started looking up interesting things to do around our city and asking him what he thought about these events, just things that were very different than our usual date nights.

    It’s worked very well. Sometimes I struggle to think up new things to keep the spark there, but I’ve noticed that after about a month of doing this Tender seems to have caught on to the game, and is now working to bring some novelty and freshness in too. Which is a lovely, lovely side benefit. 🙂



  416.  #416Labbit on August 10, 2015 at 5:03 am

    I realize all my examples are creating distance in some way, ha! 🙂 There were ways that I’d jump into his space too…for example we have a system where whichever of us cooks, the other does the dishes. So if he’s on dish duty I might grab the towel and assist him, even though I’m technically relieved of that task. Or when he’s getting ready to get in the shower, sometimes I will suggestively drop my shower stuff next to his in our bathroom and see if he invites me to join him…and even if he doesn’t, I might invite myself anyway. Or if he’s laying in our bed or on the couch reading, I’ll swoop by and lay a big ol’ kiss on him. I’m playing around with my sensuality right now too…and this seems to tie in well to piquing his interest and drawing his attention back to me.



  417.  #417Victoria on August 10, 2015 at 6:37 am

    Labbit,
    I loved your description of how you “jump into his space”.
    Remember one time I told you I treat F. like a geisha, in the area of sensuality I think you can go a very long way to be a pleaser and men will looooove you over it.
    To my mind this is very different than leaning forward. Leaning forward is when you push, initiate, prod, seek response.
    The geisha-like behavior is expressing love/respect/sensuality with very small but very distinctive gestures, and I have never regretted those. They are very short activities where I would do something, “bow” and withdraw, and they do not request (they actually usually defy) reciprocity.
    I am discovering, time and again, that nothing trumps being really nice to a man when he comes forward, just very very nice and sweet. I think I am changing from a magnet to a pot of thick super sweet honey.