How To Be A Powerful Feminine Woman And Attract A Masculine Man – February’s Monthly Interview With Bobbi Palmer

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datingI have so much fun doing these interviews, and they always turn out WAY beyond my expectations, getting me involved in deep, personal discussions that turn up new Tools, new concepts, new ways to see things that can help each of us to have more love than we ever thought possible.

This one with Bobbi Palmer, coming up this week, is fantastic (and Bobbi totally walks her talk – she’s the living proof that her techniques work, and she tells us all about it in the interview).

If you’re interested in hearing Bobbi and I, just go here–>>:

Here’s a great guest post from Bobbi:

“Want to attract and start dating a confident, grounded man who will enhance your already great life?

The best way to do it is to act like a lady. Yes, that age-old scenario is still true: masculine men are attracted to feminine women.

Men want to know that they’re contributing to our lives. When a man cares about you, making you happy is his mission. If you don’t allow him this gift, chances are he will not stay. Or, if he does, he will give you what you ask for: nothing.

When I conduct workshops and talk to clients about this, women want to know exactly what being feminine means. Am I supposed to let him do things for me that I can easily do myself? Am I not supposed to disagree when he says something I think is wrong? My answer is yes…sometimes.

I know what they’re getting at when they ask these questions. These are strong, independent and smart women.

The last thing they want to do is to act like some helpless 1950′s Mad Men-style female. They’ve been working all their adult lives NOT to be that woman.

I understand their fear. But it’s not this stereotype of a woman that men today are looking for.

Being in your feminine means many things, but none of them have to do with giving up your power.

In fact, it IS your power.

Femininity means being open, kind and positive.

It means receiving gracefully and giving generously…not of material things but of your heart and your genuine self.

It means being his biggest fan and letting him feel that his efforts to please you are appreciated and welcomed.

So, yes, sometimes being a powerful, feminine woman translates into allowing a man to do things you can do for yourself and letting him be right…even when you think he’s not.

I found a fantastic example of this when talking with my hair stylist:

Sharon is a few months into a relationship with a spectacular man. They met online, started dating and have a drama-free, lovely relationship that’s moving rapidly toward marriage. She told me this great story, which is a perfect example of choosing to use your feminine power.

Sharon and her boyfriend decided to take a last-minute trip during a holiday weekend.

He told her he would plan it all and was very excited about the opportunity to do so.

After a couple days she got a text from him “So sorry sweetheart, but I can’t find anywhere to go. All sold out.”

She wanted to take a trip, so she instantly went to her computer to find a hotel.

Then she stopped.

Even though she was confident she could find a place, she decided not to. He was so excited about doing this for her and was so disappointed he couldn’t.

Sharon knew that if she was able to, he would feel embarrassed and…well…emasculated.

Sharon chose to forgo a little getaway in exchange for maintaining the loving and nurturing relationship she has developed with her devoted man.

Now that is a feminine woman holding on to a wonderful masculine man.

With Love, Bobbi

To find out more about Bobbi – to take her free “Man-O-Meter” test and read everything she writes (SO helpful!) – just go here:

http://datelikeagrownup.com/over40.

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1 Comments

  1.  #1Mochaberri on February 2, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    I’m really learning to do this. And it seems to be very powerful for them and for us when we do exactly what Sharon did – just going with the flow and not stepping on him



  2.  #2Mochaberri on February 2, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    Great post!!!!!



  3.  #3April Rose on February 2, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    Is it too late for me to turn things around?

    I’m three years along the line with a man, and only just realised I’ve been in such masculine energy, doing and impressing and being far more capable than him.

    Aaagh.
    It would be so much easier to start with a new one.



  4.  #4Femininewoman on February 2, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    I wish I could trigger a faster response from them when I do turn things around.



  5.  #5T-Girl on February 2, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    Oh boy…I would probably have gotten on the computer too just like Sharon’s first instinct. What a great reminder.



  6.  #6April Rose on February 2, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    I would have gone on the computer, booked the trip, and said “silly boy, look how easy it is!”



  7.  #7T-Girl on February 2, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    I was reading on the other post about not touching first too. 🙁

    Sometimes I just want to reach out and hug and kiss without him doing it first. Sigh.



  8.  #8Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    April Rose,

    No, it’s not too late. Little by little, I’m turning it around with Kenny, after 12 years. And, little by little, I’m turning it around with Ryan, after 3 years!

    I feel so excited about the wonderful turn my relationship has taken with Ryan! It feels so good to finally get it after all my life living in the dark, emotionally and socially speaking!

    And I agree with the article: relationships are more important than situations.



  9.  #9April Rose on February 2, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    My fella gets upset that I don’t touch him first.



  10.  #10April Rose on February 2, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    Seriously,
    Is it possible to reverse or unwind such an ingrained pattern of roles (me masculine, him feminine)?



  11.  #12Femininewoman on February 2, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    RE 7 T-Girl where did you see that. I can’t seem to remember.



  12.  #13T-Girl on February 2, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    12 FW – Brenda posted an e-mail Butterfly Wings wrote to her and I read it in there.



  13.  #14T-Girl on February 2, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    FW It is in comment 1457

    “And I never initiate touch. He always initiates and I sometimes touch back. If you touch him first, then you’re leaning forward.”

    I sure would love to hear more feedback on this. My love language is touch so I love to touch, hug, kiss, etc.



  14.  #15April Rose on February 2, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    Thanks Brenda,

    I’m struggling to be consistent.
    When I do soft, melty and open, he responds.
    But then I’ll forget and act from my impatience and start bossing him about. He is fine with a little of that, but then he backs off.



  15.  #16Lizka on February 2, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    Hi girls!!!

    I was sooo busy all day and didn’t have time to even think! Of anything! That feels good!

    I saw that a lot of you responded to my morning post but I didn’t have time to read it all. I just felt supported and love to see them.

    I have a busy evening too, going to run and then dinner with my father for his birthday. Should be fun.

    I’ll take time later to read your answers to me and to respond. Probably before going to bed.

    But thank you justfor being there and lovely!!! xoxo



  16.  #17April Rose on February 2, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    T-girl,

    I often do a little quick touch, like a hair ruffle or an arm squeeze, just because it comes from my heart spontaneously. I would never try to stop myself from doing this. There is no ulterior motive in it, like wanting him to touch me back. It comes from an impulse of love that my body simply expresses.



  17.  #18Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    T-Girl,

    RE: #14 – “My love language is touch so I love to touch, hug, kiss, etc.”

    Me, too, totally!



  18.  #19Femininewoman on February 2, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    April Rose I tend to like that approach too. I have seen CC mention about a light touch on the shoulder or the back of the neck so when I initiate I try to make it very light.



  19.  #20Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    April Rose,

    RE: #15 – Cool! I find it interesting to observe Kenny’s reactions after 12 years of established relational patterns, LOL! For example, today I answered the phone soft and melty. He said, “What, are you taking a nap?” LOL! I’m adding more pauses, too, and letting him take the lead in conversation more.

    Last night he said about 4 times, “Talk!” I said softly, “What would you like to talk about?”

    “I don’t know, just talk!” He is used to me taking the lead in conversation, poor guy! I feel us getting closer as a whole, and I explode far less. More and more, it is automatic to catch my angry outbursts, saying, “I feel shut down hearing that.” It works SO much better than screaming at him!

    Oh, thank God a million times over for Rori and you Sirens!



  20.  #21Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    April Rose,

    RE: #17 – Me too, sometimes. Far less than I used to. Last night when Ryan hugged me with his long hair, my face was pressed against the length of it. I gave his hair a soundless kiss and inhaled deeply of its sweetness! Ah, I am so in love with this man!



  21.  #22Femininewoman on February 2, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    T-Girl RE 1457 thanks. The context I believe is a huge indicator. Our vibe is translated into the touch and when a man is giving 110% I see no problem in giving back. Starla spoke about massaging CFs arm also and I felt it was just giving back. In certain context, encouraging the man should cause no problem. Recently I held onto one of mine hand first and he reacted a bit like he was uncomfortable but he just adjusted our hands by putting his on top of mine after he said something. This is someone I practically never call. He does all the calling. Just yesterday I told him I was feeling neglected because I hadn’t heard from him in two days. He said he hesitates sometimes to call me because he doesn’t want to bother me or for me to get tired of him. I told him it feels really good to hear his voice and I love to hear his voice. He responds really well to that. I tell him that because I genuinely find his voice really sexy and appealing. Plus he always sings to me. He always find a song for the context or have a joke to share.



  22.  #23Starla on February 2, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    Aw, Brenda, CF has long hair too!



  23.  #24Starla on February 2, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    I often rub his hands and shoulders unsolicited, just mindlessly, because it feels good to ME, but when he specifically requested it, i felt incredibly triggered.



  24.  #25April Rose on February 2, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    Here’s a problem.

    My fella isn’t so good at touching. He has a lightness of touch that feels insubstantial. I’ve never had a nice massage from him.

    I miss being touched skillfully, because I love it so much.
    Any ideas?



  25.  #26Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    Team Unprocrastination Report:

    Today I broke thru some major stuck energy, getting part of my office set up. I still have a long way to go, because the room is filled with unpacked boxes. But for some reason it was a major point of procrastination. I feel good for having gotten it done. And trying to not feel guilted out that it’s not all finished…because it is more than a one day project.



  26.  #27Femininewoman on February 2, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    That’s the problem Starla. Then it feels like an obligation. Or like someone telling you to do something. That’s why I don’t mind giving back after the other person has done a lot first. That way I get to do it without the trigger.



  27.  #28Mel on February 2, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    FlowerChild77,

    Re: 1814 (last post)

    I LOVED that show when it aired quite a few years back! Haven’t seen any re-runs though. 🙂



  28.  #29Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    Feeling overwhelmed and not so good. I think I just started getting a cold today. Time to pump the vitamin C and all. Cut back on dairy products, which I’ve already done but need to do some more.

    It’s too bad I couldn’t lose weight and be healthy on Cheesecake. If so, I would eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner, LOL!



  29.  #30Starla on February 2, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    27 FW He does it a lot. Every time I see him, he’s massaging me.

    Yum

    He does it more than me, for sure.

    This is a big trigger for me. One of my boyfriends said i never gave back physically, and he dumped me over it. i thought i was leaning back, lol.

    the truth is i didn’t feel respect for that guy, so i didn’t want to give to him.

    i want to give to CF, but i feel triggered because he hasn’t expressed desires for permanence with me romantically. So again, i feel used up.



  30.  #31Femininewoman on February 2, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    April Rose have you experimented with “I feel untouched” or “it would feel so good to get a ——-rub”. Or have you asked him what makes him feel really loved. CC suggested reading the Love Languages book and sharing in a good context what is your language. The last time I experimented with such a conversation was when one of my cds was talking about how an older woman had spoken to him about a book and how he had gotten it for her. When she returned the book she was so appreciative that he remembered it vividly and was sharing about it. So I used the opportunity to ask and found out his was words of affirmation. It was easy for me to share then that mine were quality time and physical touch.



  31.  #32Starla on February 2, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    btw, after a few minutes, i just sank into it, and ended up making him feel very very very good and relaxed. It brought me joy to see him feel so good. I’ve never felt that before…that sense of…selflessness bringing me satisfaction and happiness through his enjoyment of it.

    i feel encouraged by this because i could see myself being a good wife and mother in this way. Just need balance one way or the other!!



  32.  #33Femininewoman on February 2, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    Starla from what you have written I believe he has expressed it in his own language. Maybe just not in the words you expect to hear. I would change the frame of my thinking to giving back rather than giving. If you are only giving to him because you want permanence back it seems to be strategizing. If you are in a place where you want to get married I believe you should make eternal peace with yourself around that. After doing that then I would share that if I were you, in a way that does not say “I want to get married to you” but just that you are in a place in your life where you want to do that and have kids if that is what you want. Rori says clearly in Reconnect to ask “what do you see for us down the road”. You can let him know that you feel uncomfortable asking but I would if I were you. I can almost guarantee that he senses that going around in your head and that you are uncomfortable about it already. So many coaches suggest that you can talk about your dreams and how you want your life to unfold.



  33.  #34Starla on February 2, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    “If you are only giving to him because you want permanence back”

    I’m not



  34.  #35April Rose on February 2, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    He is willing to touch me, but I get so frustrated with him being so rubbish at it!
    His hugs are good, but his more sensual touching is way off.
    Help. This seems unsolvable. He has so many nice qualities, but this is such a huge thing and I miss it so much.



  35.  #36Femininewoman on February 2, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    April Rose I would try to get comfortable with telling him how I like it. Maybe even ask him if I could take his hand and show him how?



  36.  #37Starla on February 2, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    you know, fw, it’s not just about where is this relationship going… it’s about the total lack of proactive communication. that’s what bothers me.

    for example, he is moving…i’m not sure when. i know he moved most his stuff already…he hasn’t even talked to me about that…he is moving an hour away and…then what? i haven’t asked when he’s moving because it’s an “innocent” (read: not innocent at all) question for me.

    i feel like crying.



  37.  #38April Rose on February 2, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    This brings me to my latest obsession – compatibility.
    I love my guy so much, but my physical touching needs can’t be met due to he and I having different ‘energetic styles’.



  38.  #39Femininewoman on February 2, 2012 at 2:45 pm

    Starla I would cry in his presence to let him know how much I feel distressed by his move. But I suspect that is not the case. there might be more going on under the surface that you are not talking to him about. Are you afraid that you are going to lose him?



  39.  #40Starla on February 2, 2012 at 2:45 pm

    aww april rose, that is so sweet how he is always caressing you! sometimes it gives me the heebie jeebies unintentionally because i am ticklish.

    maybe let him know, ohhh i love when you touch me, i am feeling a craving for some heavier touch, maybe a little deeper right now, could you do that for me? i would love it if you would”

    try to keep it positive and not about how he fails to physically satisfy you lol



  40.  #41Femininewoman on February 2, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    Energetic styles? April Rose I suspect Dominique would be great help to you.



  41.  #42April Rose on February 2, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    Yes, FW, I have tried showing him how I like it. Lots of times. It always feels kind of lame. Sigh.



  42.  #43Starla on February 2, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    39 FW actually i’m afraid i will lose him by way of him losing ME with inaction/being too scared to talk to me about what’s on his mind for us, short term and long term.

    i mean, it really took him a lot of courage to ask to come over last night and see me. even though i said like 2893810283 times this week i would like that.

    speaking of crying, I often feel like I am going to cry when I’m in his presence, because I feel so moved with joy and love. I’ve never felt this way before…



  43.  #44April Rose on February 2, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    According to MatchMatrix (anyone tried this?) my man has a different sexual style AND a different communication style to me.
    I can really feel the tension that comes from this.



  44.  #45Senior Lady Vibe on February 2, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    hmm, missed that one…

    @1179: Dominique says:
    “…Flowerchild – COQ10 is an antioxidant and a supposed anti-aging supplement…
    If you’re going to do pills, I would opt for these though I’m not a big fan of pills or even capsules…”

    I’m considering this a thumbs up, right? I like to get varying input…

    Dominique says:
    “…You can add any number of herbs to the mix depending on what you want from your drink, eg. hormone balancing, energy, complete and balanced nutrition, etc…”

    SLV:
    Fresh herbs? From grocer’s? Any other recommendations for herbs sources?

    Thanks.

    xoxo

    @1498 Dominique

    Thanks…trying to catch up… missing some posts from before… thanks for Omega oils input.

    @1499 FW

    Oh, I have some flax seeds… I bought them to make hair gel. I can eat them too. Goodie! Looking for blender and want one with glass instead of plastic. I’ve seen some good smoothie “recipes.”



  45.  #46Senior Lady Vibe on February 2, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    @1319: Silver Moonbeam says:
    “…I wonder if somebody filmed you and put it on youtube??…”

    I’m sure not; my dancing was rather invisible and not noticed. But I’ll see if I can find dancing flapper to post. I think I posted the Charleston once or twice here on blog.



  46.  #47Senior Lady Vibe on February 2, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    @1343: Aurora Girl says:
    “… Do I feel like I’m dating the others? not when I think of the intimacy I share with my serious dating guy…so I suppose the others become friends…..but is meeting for coffee in itself a date? …”

    I think so. I call all those things “dates.” Also dates with a girlfriend or relative, lots of dates with myself. “Dates” because a “date” doesn’t mean I’ll be partnered with that person for life or sleeping with the date… except in the case of the “me dates.” LOL



  47.  #48Senior Lady Vibe on February 2, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    @1381: Femininewoman says:
    “Superfoods”!

    1. Hummus
    2. Grapefruits/Blueberries
    3. Kale
    4. Almonds
    5. Olive Oil
    6. Quinoa
    7. Black Beans
    ——————–

    SLV: Thanks, FW! A great list so I’m putting it up again. The one here I haven’t tried yet is quinoa. I’ll have to experiment with that one. I don’t eat black beans much either but I do eat red ones and pinto beans from time to time. I guess I need to eat more beans.



  48.  #49April Rose on February 2, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    Thanks Starla,
    I will give him another go using your words. Yes, I do need a deeper touch. I know that heebie jeebie ticklish feeling. I don’t want that on my muscles when they are aching. I want a strong firm hand with the measured finger pressure of a musician !



  49.  #50lk on February 2, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    wow, this is all unfolding so perfectly : ) i’m going to have time alone before he gets home & i’m feeling awesome ! i’m going to have such a lovely evening : ) & i hope we can do his Alone Couple Time that he suggested … where we do our Own Thing… but Together : )))) yummy : )



  50.  #51Starla on February 2, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    Cool, April. When you tell him, try not to think “i’ve told you this a bazillion times” in the back of your mind. Just act like it’s the first time, out of the blue asking for it:)



  51.  #52lk on February 2, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    @SLV

    yum maybe you could try Black Bean Hummus ?

    ah YUM i’m actually STARVING : ))))) YUMMY I love my body desires & my hunger : )



  52.  #53Sun Goddess on February 2, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    Ugh! I am so irritated right now! LP is at the hockey game with his dad and brothers. I would be fine with this except for the fact hat he acts like he doesn’t have time to do things with me or his kids. I don’t know how to fix this. Please help, even if you have to tell me something I may not want to hear.



  53.  #54lk on February 2, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    @SG 53

    “Ugh! I am so irritated right now! LP is at the hockey game with his dad and brothers. I would be fine with this except for the fact hat he acts like he doesn’t have time to do things with me or his kids. I don’t know how to fix this. Please help, even if you have to tell me something I may not want to hear.”

    well… : ) it sounds to ME like he may be saying…. “family is important to me & i feel sad i don’t have as much time with them as i’d like” & if that is what he’s saying, then going to the hockey game with his dad & brothers seems like Making Up for Missed Chances – not Ditching : )

    what do you think ?

    i can imagine it would feel hard to say No to such a fun invitation, especially if he values Family Time & especially if he remembers a lot less Family Time than he wanted in his childhood

    he’s hugging his own inner child & he will be a better partner ? maybe ?

    what do you think about that?



  54.  #55Sun Goddess on February 2, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    54, that’s a nice way of looking at it and it actually makes me feel a little better about it.



  55.  #56lk on February 2, 2012 at 3:32 pm

    wait – whaaaat ?

    now he says he’ll be gone for 2.5 HOURS ?!?

    ummm buddy you invited me to dinner ? I DO NOT LIVE IN YOUR HOUSE…. ok ok i Kind Of do. but I DO NOT.

    i get that he invited me on the errand… but now the errand will take forever ? o_0

    lk, what kind of alien are you that you think 2.5 hours is “forever” ?

    also, didn’t you just turn down a fun invitation this evening so you could go up ? now you can go !! yayyyyyy : )



  56.  #57Starla on February 2, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    aww FW is gone now it seems…I was enjoying her as my personal coach today, hehehhehehe
    <3



  57.  #58Dominique on February 2, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    April Rose – “A firm touch (hand) would feel SO good on my aching muscles.”

    xxoo



  58.  #59Dominique on February 2, 2012 at 3:39 pm

    SLV – I wrote more on nutrition stuff on the last thread. We need to talk off of here because I want to find out what you are looking for in your diet, what changes, what health benefits.

    From there I can recommend better, such as herbs, oils, maybe supplements and which ones, and by herbs I mean dried ones from which you make infusions.

    xxoo



  59.  #60T-Girl on February 2, 2012 at 3:44 pm

    I feel much better that initiating touch doesn’t seem taboo after all. Sometimes I feel like I just can’t keep my hands off him and I touch him just to be connected.

    I am very lucky that my guy used to be a physical therapist so he knows how to give a good quality massage so he constantly gives me massages on my hands, fingers, feet, and back without me even asking. I am so spoiled.



  60.  #61lk on February 2, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    ohhh after i went & said the situation out loud, like a story, i saw that probably he remembered me saying i like 1.25 hrs of quiet at a time, otherwise it doesn’t feel like quiet.

    so he’s actually just doing what i said i wanted : )

    ahhh sigh of relief, poor paranoid girl



  61.  #62April Rose on February 2, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    Thanks Dominique,

    I would so love it if he could ‘tune into’ me and the kinds of touch my body wants.

    Sexually we are of two different styles. He is all about the physical act, and I love the seduction and build up.

    Sigh. It feels like a lot of extra ‘work’ for me than if we were to have the same style.



  62.  #63Starla on February 2, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    April, I actually went through the same thing with CF. He was touching me how HE would like. I had to just suck it up and ask him to do it how i do to him. And then he told me he likes how he does it to me. So now we swapped rubbing styles, hehehe.

    Sometimes you just have to let him touch you how HE wants to. try not to focus so much on the quality of his touch but the intention (affection) behind it. on the other hand, if you feel achey, definitely give him a chance to fix your body aches the right way:)



  63.  #64April Rose on February 2, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    “I am very lucky that my guy used to be a physical therapist so he knows how to give a good quality massage so he constantly gives me massages on my hands, fingers, feet, and back without me even asking”

    Ohh, T-girl, you ARE lucky. How delicious.



  64.  #65April Rose on February 2, 2012 at 3:59 pm

    Starla, I will try that too, again “as if it is the first time”.

    I am terrible for thinking that I’ve tried it so often it’s hopeless.



  65.  #66Starla on February 2, 2012 at 4:01 pm

    I am very tuned into CF’s body, I can know and fix what ails him before he even knows it himself. He thinks I’m magic.

    I am:)



  66.  #67Luzydel on February 2, 2012 at 4:08 pm

    I dunno…the 1950’s thing came back to hunt me. LOL
    I am experimenting with some things and what I am seeing is that not every thing is black or white. I like leaning back (some times), using feeling messages, Cding, and being open…But I have leaned forward a few times…I heard in modern siren where Rory said a True siren can do anything even lean forward, but do it until you are strong enough.

    I offered “s” my friendship, is a guy I cannot get rid off, but he is someone who cannot give me the relationship I want. He is childish and insecure etc. still I like talking to him once in a while, so why not?
    I already know who he is and it is not what I want, so why not be a siren and keep Cding and let him be?

    So I am not resisting anything…I just dropped the ball for all the men I’ve met and the ones I will meet and just let it be. I promised to myself not to be amused with a man’s charm; my job is to amuse them with mine :-). I stop wishing for commitment, marriage and even a relationship, these obsessions are actually not letting me enjoy the journey. So date men until they cannot longer grow next to me. That could be three months or forever…I don’t know.



  67.  #68Dominique on February 2, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    Incompatibilities such as these can be difficult to over come April Rose, not impossible though. It can take quite some time for your partner to really “get” what it is you like and how.

    If deep love is there, these things do sort themselves out with time and patience.

    xxoo



  68.  #69Daria on February 2, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    heheh last nite all Mission District seemed closed…

    so i told my date… oh it felt so fun going to this club called skylark on monday… he was all like oh really im like yah i think its open wed its by 16th and valencia

    and then he looked it up and found it!

    and it felt great!!

    weeee

    yay me for FEELING MESSAGING IT!

    it felt NOT tense,.,. or like i was taking over…

    yay



  69.  #70Daria on February 2, 2012 at 4:18 pm

    Brenda – thank you for sharing that about optimum health on bananas and avocados…

    i love avocados and am pretty cool with bananas and

    this feel inspiring and like an AHA thing for me

    i can eat those things when i dont feel like eating animal stuff then…



  70.  #71T-Girl on February 2, 2012 at 4:20 pm

    62 April Rose, I think men in general are wired like that to begin with. We just need to let them know how we like it too. Showing them how we like to be touched is very sexy and a turn on for them.



  71.  #72Rose on February 2, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    #48 Thank you for reposting SLV and thank you Feminewoman, I love this list..It so inspired me I went out and bought hummus and almonds..I have all the rest in my house..
    Feels so good to eat well..Taking even more extra care after being sick last week..



  72.  #73T-Girl on February 2, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    Luzydel, I don’t necessarily see this being a 1950’s thing at all. I think I recently read one of your posts saying that it seemed 1950’s because we aren’t supposed to speak up. That is not what this is about at all. It is the WAY we speak up. Feeling messages vs. blaming, criticizing, advising, suggesting, etc.



  73.  #74Daria on February 2, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    Silver-Tongued Siren – oh gosh wow! i feel uncomfortable…

    i apologize for mistaking your name for someone else!

    (i actually feel all ashamed and triggered here and feel like groveling… wow… *heal*)



  74.  #75FlowerChild77 on February 2, 2012 at 4:46 pm

    Mel…thank you for responding about the tv show. Sometimes I feel really silly about stuff I post. Just knowing one person knows what I’m talking about 🙂



  75.  #76tenny on February 2, 2012 at 4:49 pm

    Great post Rori! Wow, I’ve been feeling this feminine power lately, and experienced something similar! My CD could not afford the trip he wanted to take me on, and I really wanted to go, but instead I was just happy to spend time with him however he decided for that week. I could hear the easiness and warmth in his voice. Another point is he doesn’t need to be a rich man to be able to take care of me. He is so rich in character and emotions and is alpha male masculine – it feels lovely to just let him have the masculine energy between us – I feel so safe and taken care of each time we are together.



  76.  #77Daria on February 2, 2012 at 4:53 pm

    im pretty sure you CAN lose weight and be healthy on cheeskake

    make some with raw cheese, avocado and coconut oil



  77.  #78Liz on February 2, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    Hi!!!!
    Daria, this is a huge big thank-you for you!!!!!

    I am getting more emails from those profiles than I know what to do with…..

    I am going to have to deal with a new problem…..figuring out what to name all my new CD’s!!!!!!

    And the cool thing is something shifted in my space and I am open to just CDing and receiving what they have to give….
    this feels so exciting…..

    sorry i have been absent on the blog, my boy had that nasty cold and fever, so i have just been with him and getting to work and no time to catch up on the blog…..
    sorry…but you all are of course always in my thoughts and my heart….

    thanks for all your support and advice which has enabled me to make this jump….I can’t even schedule them all in next week, well, they will have to wait till I have time next week….

    it’s gotta be that incredible profile our poet Daria wrote 🙂

    (((((((Daria)))))))

    and all the support I got around leaning back from accountantCD, who is starting to look like a not so appealing option…..

    ((((((FW))))))))

    ((((((lk)))))))

    ((((((lizka)))))))

    (((((((turquoise))))))))

    (((((((auroragirl)))))))))

    and any other sirens who replied to me or any who just read my posts and gave me strength….this is such a huge shift for me and I could not have done it without you all
    ((((((starla))))))
    (((((mali)))))))
    (((((((brenda)))))
    I know I am forgetting some of you, but just know that even if I am not on the blog, I wonder, what happened with Lizka and P?
    How is T-girl and her daughter, hopefully all better?
    Have a great evening and I hope to catch up on the blog soon and see what is going on for all of you….I learn so much and feel so much more connected with my own growth periods by reading about yours and by your sharing…
    Happy Groundhog Day!



  78.  #79Daria on February 2, 2012 at 5:13 pm

    (((Liz))) I told you girl!! = oh i feel so flattered and good and warm and BIG! and loving 🙂 and loved



  79.  #80Liz on February 2, 2012 at 5:14 pm

    oh, shoot, I actually had time to get on the blog and no one seems to be on right now….oh well….i just missed all of you….
    i have to get off the computer at work and drive home….i’ll see what’s up with you all when i get home….
    liz



  80.  #81Liz on February 2, 2012 at 5:18 pm

    oh, daria,
    i feel so glad that you feel loved and flattered and warm and big….you really made a huge impact on my life with the gift of the word that you have…..

    thank-you so much….

    my new CD, musicCD, told me how much he liked my profile and how much he can’t wait to see my beautiful eyes and he has called me three times tonight….but I have been teaching and on the blog so I only answered once….
    and he emailed me with some possible date ideas and I replied that I liked all his great plans and that really pumped him up….he felt really appreciated….this is starting to get really fun…



  81.  #82Starla on February 2, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    oooooh there IS a healthy cheesecake recipe. I personally find this BETTER tasting than the real thing, too. very very easy to make

    google “raw cashew cheesecake”

    you can also buy slices of it at the health food store. i like “earth cafe” brand



  82.  #83Daria on February 2, 2012 at 5:34 pm

    my CD was like… how do you find the worst possible spin on thingS!

    youre so sensitive/!!

    i noticed this too with a previous CD, me doing that

    its like when he says “whats wrong with you” or

    something that could have multiple meanings one of which is bad

    i might think it MIGHT be the bad thing and i feel bad.

    nothing for me to apologize for, BUT something to be aware of

    lots of practice the other nite

    i melted Mr CD who at first didn’t like my sensitivity etc



  83.  #84Xti on February 2, 2012 at 5:39 pm

    I’ve been on such a whirlwind, I can hardly believe it’s February. I haven’t been able to read more than a few comments in months.

    I finalized my divorce and moved my little family to another state. My sweet Texan has just been doing everything he can to help us settle in, but guess what?

    It. Is. Driving. Me. Crazy. !!!!!

    I had so much work for my boy to do that I am seeing I have completely gotten stuck in masculine energy. I have come full circle and I am again back to where I was when I found the blog a year ago: feeling revolted at the idea of leaning back.

    Wow, this post has completely triggered me. I have been dealing with an extremely needy and insecure man in my sweet Texan and I feel completely worn out by it.

    Someone mentioned match matrix… yes I have done it and we are pretty well-matched, but it really doesn’t matter. He is triggering me constantly all of a sudden, after 9 months of getting along pretty well.

    Why? Well, all those “little” red flags my family and friends talked over with me became very large stop signs. He behaves as if we are already hitched, and I feel guilty for constantly having to insist on my need for space.

    It’s my fault. I indulged his neediness and chalked it up to the distance. But now that I’m in reach, did it get better? No… it didn’t. But my focus is on me more now than ever and he sees that as competition.

    I feel like I have to cut him loose for his own good. But then I feel like I’m using him. That feels so bad.

    Triggered. Majorly triggered.



  84.  #85Starla on February 2, 2012 at 5:55 pm

    alright ladies CF is coming over in a while to talk to me about what i’ve been “holding in.” I caught myself just being a total weirdo with him on the phone and he asked me if i was okay, and i said “actually no. i think i’ve been holding something in for too long.”

    so i guess i’m gonna tell him it would feel good to actually talk about stuff. I feel like there’s a convention of 800 pound gorillas in the room, and i’m starting to feel a little crazy, and then i don’t say anything because i don’t want to pressure him, but i don’t want to feel crazy and confused. i want to feel openness and bravery in communication in my relationships. the only time he is initiating communication with me is when i very emotionally upset. I don’t want this to be how things go; it would be great to be able to communicate about things.

    800 pounds gorillas include:
    -he is moving an hour away. when is he moving? are we going to grow apart? is there anything i should know about that?
    -we are not sleeping together. he said he would whisk us away somewhere where we could have some privacy. what is going on with that? it’s been weeks since he said that he was going to do this. I want sweet love making. All we had was a quickie where i couldn’t even breathe because my roommate was literally 6 feet away.
    -what does he have in mind for our relationship? what kind of timeline is he thinking.

    PLEASE HELP. he is going to be here in probably 30 minutes or so and i don’t want to totally make it sound like i’m blaming him.



  85.  #86Starla on February 2, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    more gorillas –
    he thought i was pregnant but didn’t say anything. then when i told him i wasn’t, he was like “i didn’t want to say anything…”

    he’s always saying he doesn’t want to be pushy but this just all feels ridiculous. i am at the end of my rope. i have really been trying to find a way out of this conversation but i am starting to feel disconnected and like i’m trapped in some weird game of silence and vagueness. i felt myself wanting to walk away from him tonight, because this feels super unhealthy.

    again, not his fault, so how do i communicate this without blaming?



  86.  #87Lizka on February 2, 2012 at 6:02 pm

    Liz, I answered to you on the last post darling 🙂 :

    Liz 1213 –

    Hi Sweetie!!

    To search for a name or for any specific word, on your keyboard, press Ctrl+f (f = find!!) and then go “BACKSPACE” and you will see everywhere on the post where this name (or word) is!

    P does not exist anymore. I changed his name for AroundTheWorldCD. Because I want to treat him just like I do with my other CDs. I want to stop thinking he is my ex, I want to see him like something new, and act with him like so.

    After I leaned forward a little last Friday, he texted me on Monday night and I was afraid I didn’t act so sireny but after all, I think it was ok… He didn’t fix any date plan, but he said “soon”… I’m trying very hard to not lean forward and scream at him “BUT WHEEEEEN???”. Lol. But I know he will call me again… in just a few days… and I’ll be more sireny this time, and he’ll see it and he won’t be able to help himself and will invite me! And I prepared so many FMs for our next meeting, he won’t believe it!! Poor guy!

    And you? How is your siren life going? AccountantCD? Other CDs?



  87.  #88Starla on February 2, 2012 at 6:11 pm

    ok, my speech so far:

    I am feeling afraid and disconnected in a certain way — i feel like there’s a convention of 800 pound gorillas in the room with us ever since that day i got very upset and then it turned out you had quite a bit to say about how you were feeling.

    I’m feeling a little untrusting when i hear you say things, or NOT say things, since then, because it seems that maybe so much is being held inside and not discussed until we’ve hit a breaking point.

    I don’t want to put pressure on you so I have been keeping my feelings about this to myself, yet I am driving myself a little crazy in this situation and don’t want to feel that way with you.

    it would feel so good to have openness and bravery in communication in a relationship. I need to feel authenticity and trust in a man. Right now I feel like we’re tip-toeing around each other and I don’t want to feel that with with you. Is there something I should know?
    ———————
    thoughts? I’m actually going to write this one down and bring it with me to the conversation. i really care about this and don’t want to screw it up.



  88.  #89Daria on February 2, 2012 at 6:17 pm

    Starla – im reading that speech and all i got out of it was that you feel disconnected and scared and like theres ‘gorillas in the room’

    (ok i hear that)

    i didnt “hear” anything after the first sentence – i felt felt confused and like sometihing ominous is going on
    (what is she talking about?)



  89.  #90Lizka on February 2, 2012 at 6:20 pm

    Girls, I’m reading all your responses to me from last post… I don’t have a lot of time tonight, I feel so exhausted and I might not be able to answer to all of you. If I don’t mention you, don’t feel upset please. I so appreciate your feedback, support and advices…



  90.  #91Daria on February 2, 2012 at 6:20 pm

    sorry just realized my post might leave someone feeling discouraged

    how about

    “hey ive been feeling afraid to talk about this.. and now im feleing disconnected”

    “i feel so uncomfortable… omg it feels so scary to talk about this and i really want to be open and feel good here”

    “im feeling kinda insecure about where our relationship is going… what do you think?”

    and… “this feels sooo uncomfortable and i feel terribly embarassed… im feeling kinda angry and soo insecure and unsure of myself and our connection not having had sex again yet…. what do you think?”



  91.  #92Sassy on February 2, 2012 at 6:23 pm

    @ Starla

    Those thoughts sound good, but, maybe he’s really scared of his feelings for you at this point.
    You’ve never said if he’s had a serious relationship before. Possibly he’s not sure where this is going or supposed to go.
    After you say what you have to say, leannnnnn back. He may not even know how to react at that point and may need time to process.
    Good luck, be surprised, but I feel like you’ve “got this”!



  92.  #93Starla on February 2, 2012 at 6:24 pm

    hey daria, it’s not even the sex or where this is going. it’s that he doesn’t communicate until he’s at the breaking point, and when i inquire about things he says or hints, i swear he says THE OPPOSITE of what he really means to play it cool with me.

    i’m starting to feel really untrusting of what he says or doesn’t say



  93.  #94Daria on February 2, 2012 at 6:27 pm

    “when i heard you say you didnt want to tell me so and so… i felt kinda scared… and it didnt feel like a big deal but its kept growing on me and i want to clear it out.. it feels better to feel secure annd i dont want to think my man is holding back with me on what he’s thinking… that feels sad 🙁 what do you think?”



  94.  #95Lizka on February 2, 2012 at 6:28 pm

    Francesca 1375 from previous post –

    This is such a good idea! Thank you! I copy/pasted it in my phone and will try to read it every morning when I wake up… at least until it effect fades…

    xoxo

    PS So bad that you live so far. We might have an occasion some days… I don’t have a car either…



  95.  #96Daria on February 2, 2012 at 6:29 pm

    Starla – “he doesn’t communicate until he’s at the breaking point”

    im like huh? reading this… i imagine he woudl be too

    what breaking poing… he doesnt communicate? – can you translate this sentence to *I* stuff that isnt about his behavior



  96.  #97Starla on February 2, 2012 at 6:30 pm

    thank you daria:)

    he is on his way………eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee wish me luck?



  97.  #98Lizka on February 2, 2012 at 6:31 pm

    FW 1371 from previous post –

    ” Is there something you could do – meditation/prayer/yoga/a mantra/deep breathing/massage – some routine that you can build into your day to take care of whatever feeling that is. Maybe get a video that you could watch to get you into a really good feeling state, cheering yourself on for your day. Just my thoughts………….”

    I use to watch almost every morning, while doing my hair and my make up, an episode of a good serie on my phone and in the bus… And yes! It indeed was making me feel so happy in the morning! But now there’s no show I find interesting on the free and secure site I go on… I’ll try to find a new show, one with a lot lot lot of episode!!



  98.  #99Daria on February 2, 2012 at 6:34 pm

    i feel sooo guilty and uncomfortable thinking this… and the truth is ive bene feeling kinda disconnected and scared… i get the impression that sometimes what’s being said to me is the OPPOSITE of what is really meant, kinda like a playing it cool thing… i feel mistrustful… what do you think?

    it might help here to think of the specific instances you felt this way and check out waht was going on on your end

    honestly – it kinda sounds like getitng in his business here… id look at whats going on w me behind the ‘scenes’



  99.  #100Daria on February 2, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    cant say the wrong thing to the right person!

    you got all the time in the world!



  100.  #101Lizka on February 2, 2012 at 6:38 pm

    Francesca 1365 from previous post –

    Tu es une distributrice d’idées!! (sorry, couldn’t say it in English)

    Super good idea, I’ll add it to my list of siren things to do this weekend… So far I have to write my channeling list, do my vision board, and write the list of things I want in a man…

    Will have a busy weekend. Good thing because I have no plans, no money, and none of my friends is stepping up still :I(



  101.  #102lk on February 2, 2012 at 6:42 pm

    ZOMG starla

    if ever there were a Blog Cliff-Hanger… you just wrote one !

    i love you : ))))



  102.  #103Lizka on February 2, 2012 at 6:44 pm

    So I had such a busy day at work and was pretty productive. At the end of the day, my team leader even congratulated me. Nice.

    And a sad event happened at work, made me in a sad mood for a few hour… Don’t want to talk too much about it. Office dramas that end up very badely…

    And I got home and it’s my father’s birthday so he came over and we went for a nice run… And I brought him for dinner… I spent a lot of money to make him happy because I don’t see him very often. I bought him a nice gift, 75$ gift certificate for a massage+spa (he asked me so) + 80$ for a dinner for two… I am happy that we spent time together, but now I feel sad because I realised I have no more money (not even 1$!!!) until my next paid… wich is in… 14 days!!!! sh*t…

    That feels bad to think of. I will have to find a few free things to do to take care of myself…



  103.  #104Starla on February 2, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    daria, i got this now:) thank you sooo much, you helped me so much!

    i took out like most everything. just the context of him not communicating about the pregnacy and feeling mistrustful about if ‘not wanting to say anything’ or ‘not pressuring’ is influencing his behavior and words. it would feel so good to have openness in our communication so i can always trust, even if it feels embarrassing, cuz i don’t want to feel mistrustful with my man.

    it’s gonna come out different than that of course.

    but basically i am going to focus on my feeling mistrustful and uneasy in this way and this ONE incident IN CONTEXT (not the several I could point out hahahahaahhaha oh dear starla bless your heart for wanting to be so evidence-driven)



  104.  #105Lizka on February 2, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    I’m off to bed ladies. I feel sooo exhausted and I want to have another productive day tomorrow!

    I wish I could stay and chat and read all your posts, but my beauty sleep is so important.

    Hope I won’t have a sad morning tomorrow again… xoxo



  105.  #106LILI 41 on February 2, 2012 at 6:51 pm

    Goodnight Lizka!



  106.  #107Aurora Girl on February 2, 2012 at 6:51 pm

    78 Liz

    ((((((((Liz)))))))

    🙂



  107.  #108Aurora Girl on February 2, 2012 at 6:59 pm

    97 Lizka

    for you…if you like…..and anyone else who hasn’t seen this one before……

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4zWBHFCmXM

    xo
    Aurora



  108.  #109Aurora Girl on February 2, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    Good night sirens from my part of the island too…

    sweet dreams…..

    xo



  109.  #110Aurora Girl on February 2, 2012 at 7:03 pm

    BTW….Starla

    I agree with Daria…you have time…

    the gorillas can leave the room one by one…..a stampede of them is so messy…….

    I hope everything goes well..

    🙂



  110.  #111Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 7:15 pm

    Daria,

    RE: #70 – Cool, about bananas and avocados! The same article said if a baby is lactose intolerant, a perfect substitute is banana or avocado blended with water in a bottle.

    Last night Ryan and I were discussing my extreme loneliness from all the years of long distance relationships. He said he is open to me contacting him whenever I want, to help relieve the loneliness. So do you think I should still lean back, even tho he gave me a license to initiate?



  111.  #112Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    Daria,

    RE: #77 – “im pretty sure you CAN lose weight and be healthy on cheeskake

    make some with raw cheese, avocado and coconut oil”

    LOL, sounds good to me! 🙂 Coconut oil has so many health benefits! But I’m sure the sugar and that amount of cheese is not beneficial for weight loss. Ruby Tuesday has killer cheesecake with blackberry sauce!



  112.  #113Daria on February 2, 2012 at 7:21 pm

    Brenda – no sugar, i said avocado, raw cheese, and coconut oil…

    if i wanted it sweeter i would add maybe some of that agave syrup…

    and raw cheese is very beneficial for weight loss especially around the waist



  113.  #114Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    Liz,

    RE: #78 – “Happy Groundhog Day!”

    I asked Kenny earlier if it was groundhog day. He said, “Wait, look to the left out the window. Okay, do you see any shadows?”

    “No.”

    “Okay, well we will have 6 more weeks of winter.”

    LOL! He’s such a joker! Making me be the groundhog!

    Kenny used to halfway be my dating coach. I resigned him a long time ago, but he keeps trying to take back over. I keep telling him to leave it alone. I think he finally got the message tonight. I said like you always tell me, I will do me. I don’t want YOU to do me. I want to do me. It’s MY life.



  114.  #115Daria on February 2, 2012 at 7:25 pm

    Brenda – i think if you want to bandaid your loneliness, you can call him or another friend

    if you want to pracice sireness with men, dont

    i found i spent a few years not contacting my brothers just to get in the tune of not contacting men

    now i feel fine contacting them – but it DOES still throw me into a lean forward vibe especially if i dont feel fulfilled — sometimes i wind up contacing other men and feeling more insecure about my ability to just ALLOW goodness and fulfillment in my life

    for Team Heal Loneliness i would pull up a EFT video and tap on it – thats what im doing these days

    and also take like a a couple of seconds to do a /Stranger exercise with myself or to imagine my boy praising my girl

    and let me feel my feeilngs in my body and cry cry cry on the heartbreak from that loneliness if i can



  115.  #116Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 7:25 pm

    Daria,

    RE: #113 – I feel open to that idea…altho I wouldn’t xactly call that cheesecake. But do you have the recipe so I know amounts?



  116.  #117Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 7:27 pm

    Daria,

    RE: #115 – I’m on board with Team Heal Loneliness. Thank you. That was a quality response! Saving that in my electronic folder.

    I also need to join Team Heal Touch Deprivation.



  117.  #118Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    Daria,

    What gets me is that we are designed to NEED people. I so need people. Ryan has cut me loose for 2.5 years, and it’s so hard to just go on and on alone. And I feel more sure than ever that the feeling is mutual and that he is my Soul Mate. I don’t WANT any other man. I want Ryan.



  118.  #119Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 7:33 pm

    Starla,

    RE: #82 – THANK YOU! RAW CASHEW CHEESECAKE

    I think I just found heaven on earth! LOL!

    Raw Cashew Cheesecake

    http://www.vegetariantimes.com/recipes/10668

    Serves 12
    • 2 cups macadamia nuts
    • 1 1/2 cups cashews
    • 1/2 cup pitted Medjool dates
    • 1/4 cup dried coconut
    • 6 Tbs. coconut oil, melted (gently warmed)
    • 1/4 cup lime juice
    • 1/4 cup raw agave nectar
    • 1/2 sun-dried vanilla bean
    • 3 cups mixed berries, such as blueberries and raspberries
    Nutritional Information
    Per SERVING:
    Calories 359
    Protein 5g
    Total Fat 28.5g
    Saturated Fat 9.5g
    Carbs 24g
    Cholesterol 0mg
    Sodium 7mg
    Fiber 4g
    Sugar 14g

    1. Place macadamia nuts in large bowl, and cover with cold water. Place cashews in separate bowl, and cover with cold water. Soak nuts 4 hours, then rinse, drain, and set aside.
    2. Pulse macadamia nuts and dates in food processor to a sticky crumb-like consistency. Sprinkle dried coconut on bottom of 8-inch pie pan. Press macadamia nut mixture onto coconut to make crust.
    3. Place cashews, coconut oil, lime juice, agave nectar, and 6 Tbs. water in bowl of food processor. Scrape seeds from vanilla bean into food processor bowl, and purée until smooth. Pour mixture onto crust, and freeze 1 to 2 hours, or until firm. Remove from freezer, slice while frozen, and transfer to serving platter. Defrost in fridge 1 hour, or on countertop 30 minutes; top with berries; and serve.



  119.  #120Memulo on February 2, 2012 at 7:35 pm

    Starla,

    It all sounds good, good luck!



  120.  #121Daria on February 2, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    Brenda – the loneliness thing is about ourselves and what we tell ourselves

    you seem to have a lot of people around you, church groups, friends etc

    yet ive heard you say repeatedly – years of loneliness etc (that usally feels triggering to me reading … when i read it i feel … shocked and scared)

    thats an example of creating loneliness for oneself (i do this myself)

    tapping along with the Margaret Lynch videos is SOOO helping me… especially the second chakra stuff on ask and receive



  121.  #122Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    Starla,

    RE: #85 – 86 – Putting out good thoughts and prayers for your talk with him! That is a lot of pressure. It would especially bug me, too, about him moving.

    And not having privacy can take a horrible toll on a relationship. It just about ruined it for Ryan and me when I took in my friend and her two kids in 2009 when they had no home.



  122.  #123Memulo on February 2, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    Brenda,

    Sounds like a great recipe, though 360 cal is a bit too much, no? If you are on a strict diet, it’s like one fourth of your daily norm? I feel scared of cakes anyway, even if they’re not too many calories, they make me feel like I ate something wrong and now all my great sacrifice is worthless 🙁



  123.  #124Daria on February 2, 2012 at 7:42 pm

    Haha Brenda i do not have a recipe… what did i say it was? raw cheese, coconut oil, and …

    mm…

    oh yah avocado…

    hmmm

    id make flour out of some ground nuts like almonds…

    mix that with the coconut oil and some water…

    beat the raw cheese and avocado together

    pour on top of the nut mix in a casserole…

    refrigerate overnight

    tadah!

    Coconut oil gets hard when chilled so it makes a great base



  124.  #125Memulo on February 2, 2012 at 7:42 pm

    Just came back from dinner with SafeCD.. he is really nice to me and I don’t feel right 🙁



  125.  #126lk on February 2, 2012 at 7:46 pm

    i did just want to mention… @brenda @slv @silver_something_sorry @whoever_else

    i just lost 10 lbs & my Feeling about it was – i feel awkward. i feel heavy. i feel deformed. i feel weighty. i feel difficult.

    & that was both before & after i realized i had lost weight !

    strange… what do you think ?

    i believe there is no way to happiness; happiness is the way : )



  126.  #127Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 7:47 pm

    Daria,

    RE: #121 – I have developed friends at church over the past 1.5 years. As you know, it takes time to establish friendships. So it is really just in the last 6-8 months that I have started feeling close to those people.

    Further, I feel misunderstood and/or not known by most people in my life. Therefore I feel largely isolated. One time I was expressing that to my therapist, and she had me run thru my most significant relationships one by one. She said she could easily see why I felt so isolated. My life was filled with interrupters, emotionally needy people who were sucking me dry, long distance relationships. She said no wonder, and she encouraged me to focus on the relationships that had the ability to meet me where I was at.

    And then the big underlying thing is my deep, deep need for human touch. I have rarely had that. The most touch I ever had was the several months early in my dating with Ryan 3 years ago when we cuddled nonsexually in bed almost every night. It was feeding my soul.

    There is no one else I can just cuddle with, and I haven’t had that for over 2.5 years. Once I was seeing a psychologist in the 90s. When he realized I had been virtually untouched all my life, because my parents were so emotionally damaged, he looked astounded, saying something like, “How did you survive??!! People need human touch!”

    Going back to my church friends, I have very few people I can just call up and make plans with. Not many of them are very close. Hi how are you doesn’t leave me feeling close and connected.

    Kenny is long distance. You are all long distance. But you all, Kenny, my Mom, and ID are my closest relationships.



  127.  #128Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    Daria,

    RE: #121 again – Yes, I will do that tapping.

    I feel most understood by Ryan than any other human being ever. I feel most connected with him. But you all know in detail how fresh that reconnection is. I feel excited. It is still in process of reconnecting.



  128.  #129LILI 41 on February 2, 2012 at 7:49 pm

    I feel so much better today. 🙂

    Thank God, what a relief !

    I cd’d without even going out looking for it.

    I went to my bf’s place. Her guy friend called and showed up while I was there.
    The 3 of us had a very interesting conversation.
    I hadn’t seen him since last spring.
    We talked about my situation of last Sunday morning.

    He said “I hate to break it to you, but men are all skum”.
    I said “I still believe that it is possible for some men to turn into prince charming when they meet the woman that inspires them. That’s why I believe that every relationship is unique even after several failed ones.”
    My friend was telling me how “gullible” I was being by no longer being angry at D for cheating on me.
    Then I started to defend my point of view and explained how I felt closed off bc of my deeprooted fear from day1.
    If only I could say to myself that “I was there and I showed up to the plate.” But I don’t feel I did, this failed relationship feels like a missed opportunity.
    My previous failed relationships all felt like incompatability and wrong choices, but this one feels like a missed opportunity.
    I want to take reponsability for me being disconnected and not showing up in relationships to learn and evolve.
    I also need to forgive and love myself to move on.
    It serves me no good to wollow in anger towards him.
    I have felt that anger really deeply. I need to let go of that anger to move on and be happy.

    Anyway, where I’m going with this is that this new cd said everything to trigger me into talking.
    I can’t beliiiiieve all that came out of my mouth!
    Nothing but FMs, all my true feelings in an expressive and alive tone.
    Wow! It blows me away that I was able to talk openly and authentically to a man like that!
    He even pointed out “For someone so closed off, you’re pretty open right now…and eloquent too.”
    I said “yeah, that’s coz I feel safe w you being bf’s friend, you do not pose a threat to my intimacy”.

    I said that like I wasn’t ever considering him as anything more than a “friend”.
    But then he started to zero in on me! Emphasizing both of us being single.

    Yikes!

    I had to run, I was 5 minutes late for zumba class.

    I was running the whole conversation in my mind in the car on my way.
    I was thinking “Geee, how awesome to be able to talk so openly and easily to a man!”

    Big dealbreaker for me though: He’s very antisocial and I loooove socializing, being at parties, dancing.

    I would have fallen in love with him 10 years ago…

    OMG! I can’t believe that I just wrote that last sentence!!
    I see the tremendous evolution I’ve been through in 10 years!
    I always wanted to be alone in my cocoon 10 years ago staying away from everyone.
    I am totally different now: I became outgoing and sociable!
    When I did, I attracted an outgoing sociable guy with an outgoing sociable family !!!
    I had that trapped inside of me dying to come out…and it did!!!…before I met the sociable guy.
    I’ve been growing…and I can keep growing!
    I feel so proud right now. 😀

    This “light bulb” is giving me hope that I will meet the man that fits my growth level. 🙂

    Now I would like to meet a man that has D’s outgoing personality, love of dancing, soft and gentle yet manly, loves to do woodworking and living close by…combined with the easy to talk to cd. 🙂



  129.  #130Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 7:49 pm

    LK,

    RE: #126 – Oh, I like this!

    “i believe there is no way to happiness; happiness is the way : )”



  130.  #131Memulo on February 2, 2012 at 7:57 pm

    Lili, sounds like a nice plan! 🙂



  131.  #132Memulo on February 2, 2012 at 7:59 pm

    Ohh I got a text from no idea who asking how I’ve been. I said feeling great! Now he is inviting me to brunch on Saturday and I don’t know who the text is from!

    What do I say now??



  132.  #133tenny on February 2, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    Hi Sirens:

    What is a good FM to give to a guy when he says he loves you, or something working it’s way up to love?



  133.  #134liz on February 2, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    is it crazy to meet someone for a drink when they contact you on chat? i just had a 38 year old guy want to come over to my house…..and musicCD called me on the phone and another new CD, kayakerCD, had just called me 10 minutes before……
    advice, I should never ever just head out to meet someone, should I?
    someone answer me…..i should see if he could wait another night?



  134.  #135lk on February 2, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    the above comment 126 – i just mentioned “names” as people i thought had mentioned weight loss. i’m sure i missed a ton & added others as it’s such a common topic….. my b if that triggered anyone. i’m sorry ( specifically ” @brenda @slv @silver_something_sorry @whoever_else ” ).

    @Memulo

    i notice you say “SafeCD” which implies that… the issue has been considered…. that …. there is also something that is Unsafe ? …….. you say you don’t feel “Right” ….. i wonder if maybe Safe is your word to Stuff Down feelings of Unsafe ?

    hmmmm…. is there a reason you would feel guilty Not Trusting him ?

    Femininewoman said earlier…. about not worrying so much to trust the man…. just trust how you feel. if you feel worried & suspicious or nervous & excited or turned on & curious………….

    how do you feel, lady ?

    i’m always really interested in Instinct…. in … Gut Reaction.

    what do you call it ?

    please, please, please, please trust it

    you are an amazing animal, Memulo ! i love you for it !

    what an amazing body you have – truly, my whole being tingles throughout space imagining all the infinite motion which carries you through indivisible moments & still in those unimaginably small, inconceivably brief experiences….. still, the whole truth transmits…. like…… hm i’m imagining the constellations as an animal

    oh yum i have the blue & the stars even on my computer desktop & i do want to go & see the northern lights

    sorry, memulo, for taking you with me here… but i have a captive audience a bit…. : ) thank you or good bye : )))

    the stars absolutely unfolding — like a picnic blanket against summer — all understandable & simple & yet… incomprehensible… the warp of the pattern… the newness of the sunlight now you’ve stepped out of the car…….. disorienting — all knowledge – omniscience – the ability to connect infinitely

    spooky action at a distance. i tie you to me because i want you to be Released — i love you

    it’s insane; it makes so much sense. all the math & religion & art go the same way. fxck. i just dragged a whole lot of people into this. sorry.

    i’m not guilty because i’m just here not broken, not fixing, just loving & tying myself to all the beauty

    all the past
    all the future
    all the present
    all the patterns
    all the fears
    all the distractions

    all the ways it Could Have Been …. & all the ways it Could Be ….. so i can just be here right now

    & i know everything. seriously.

    ask yourself any question & be so amazed that you really do know the answers



  135.  #136lk on February 2, 2012 at 8:05 pm

    @Liz

    one time i took a new online date within like 5 min & I picked him up !

    good practice : ) go



  136.  #137Femininewoman on February 2, 2012 at 8:06 pm

    Lili41 I feel really pleased to see that you were open enough to the point of draining him in. Just a few days and you are still peeling off your layers with someone else.



  137.  #138lk on February 2, 2012 at 8:06 pm

    @LIZ

    ONLY IF YOU FEEL SAFE, PLEASE : )))) love you, lady



  138.  #139lk on February 2, 2012 at 8:07 pm

    @tenny 133

    LOL

    how do YOU feel ? : )



  139.  #140tenny on February 2, 2012 at 8:08 pm

    Lili

    WOW, that is so awesome that you had the conversation. You were authentic 100%

    Lovely and empowering



  140.  #141LILI 41 on February 2, 2012 at 8:08 pm

    Zumba class was so much fun!

    This is the 2nd place I try zumba.
    The 1st one was too small w too many people and the group didn’t have a friendly vibe.

    This 2nd place is awesome!
    The group is fun and friendly. The room is big enough and they turned down people so it wouldn’t be too crowded.
    Plus the teacher is a gorgeous latino MAN 🙂
    grrrrr …his girlfriend is his assistant 🙁

    FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN !!! 😀



  141.  #142Memulo on February 2, 2012 at 8:08 pm

    Liz,

    Is it someone that you just started talking to and he wants to meet the same night? What time is it where you are? Feels like too much to me. Did you talk on the phone? Do you feel like making plans for another night?



  142.  #143lk on February 2, 2012 at 8:08 pm

    @Brenda 130

    that’s a buddhist prayer but i’m too silly to find it right now … i’ll tell you later & post the whole thing : )))



  143.  #144Femininewoman on February 2, 2012 at 8:09 pm

    Liz I would wait and I definitely would go out to a public place. Your safety comes first.



  144.  #145LILI 41 on February 2, 2012 at 8:10 pm

    137:

    Yeaaaaah! Peeling off the layers of my heart until it is naked !!! 🙂



  145.  #146tenny on February 2, 2012 at 8:10 pm

    I feel very open, warm, safe, close to him, too soon for love (the flame is there, but MUST enjoy the experience of every moment, every breath, every day, every moment as it grows



  146.  #147liz on February 2, 2012 at 8:14 pm

    memulo and lk
    he says he understands it is late and wants to know when i am available…..he is 38 and very cute….

    hey starla
    good luck with your talk with CF….we are all rooting for you



  147.  #148tenny on February 2, 2012 at 8:14 pm

    IK

    I’m trying to come up with a list of feeling messages/script for this weekend, but I keep getting triggered by the L word



  148.  #149Memulo on February 2, 2012 at 8:15 pm

    LK,

    Lol, that felt like fun to read! 🙂

    I say SafeCD because my other CD who I call SmartCD hasn’t been giving me the feeling of safety lately:) It is not that I don’t trust someone, I feel I am pretty trusting – hoping anyway – but SafeCD gave me plenty of reasons to believe that I can count on him. I don’t feel Right because I am not attracted to him enough. That’s all!



  149.  #150LILI 41 on February 2, 2012 at 8:17 pm

    140:

    Thanks Tenny!

    I don’t see long-term at all, but the practice is great!
    It really boosts my confidence knowing that it’s so easy without the fear.

    “Now I know what you don’t allow me to do Fear. I know you so well now, you are no longer a mystery to me. I will recognize you faster when I see you next.”



  150.  #151tenny on February 2, 2012 at 8:17 pm

    IK

    “ask yourself any question & be so amazed that you really do know the answers”

    That feels to touching and perfect for me right now



  151.  #152Memulo on February 2, 2012 at 8:18 pm

    Liz,

    I am trying to understand – 38 is older or younger than you are:) Why are you mentioning his age?



  152.  #153Memulo on February 2, 2012 at 8:21 pm

    One thing I know about this text from I have no idea who – I have a habit of deleting numbers of CD’s I am no longer interested in. Though don’t remember doing it recently.. so it’s someone from long ago lol? Maybe I don’t even want to talk to him? Hmm feeling excited about this game!



  153.  #154tenny on February 2, 2012 at 8:21 pm

    *so



  154.  #155LILI 41 on February 2, 2012 at 8:23 pm

    Mel,

    You might find this funny:

    I feel like this is a pivotal learning experience for me. I need to change my name.

    I am changing it to LiliBee…pending moderation of course.

    Why am I dropping the 42 and replacing with Bee?

    Bc I had always been super “terrified” of bees.
    Then for a couple of years now, I have become just “a little scared” only.
    By next summer, I may be visiting you and your bees to test out my level of fear.

    So as a testament to my evolution with fear, I’m adding the Bee.



  155.  #156tenny on February 2, 2012 at 8:27 pm

    Memulo

    are you going to ask his name?



  156.  #157LiliBee on February 2, 2012 at 8:29 pm

    Testing moderation for my new name.

    My new name feels great to see 🙂

    Loving my transformation! Proud of myself again after feeling so low.



  157.  #158liz on February 2, 2012 at 8:31 pm

    thanks everybody, i am sticking at home and going to sleep and going away this weekend….talk to you all next monday…..big hugs….
    you are right FW, i will meet him in a public place first…



  158.  #159tenny on February 2, 2012 at 8:31 pm

    Liz

    what if you say you are not available tonight



  159.  #160LILI 42 on February 2, 2012 at 8:32 pm

    Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    #157 is pending moderation for my new name.

    Sorry sirens, your numbers will be off.

    But I know you will indulge me w your patience



  160.  #161LiliBee on February 2, 2012 at 8:36 pm

    In the news: The Punxytawny groudhog did not see his shadow.
    Means a long winter?



  161.  #162lk on February 2, 2012 at 8:36 pm

    @light heart 🙂

    awww that is 1 reason i love your smilies…. 🙂

    seriously i have a tic about typing them with a space… even when i’m TRYING to type them for you, i can’t… & i’m a proficient typist : ) dxmn see! very silly i’ll leave that one for you

    but they remind me ” there is no way to happiness; happiness is the way ”

    & it’s nice that you consistently put a smily face ….. like… oh, yes, & all will be well & all will be well & all manner of things shall be well 🙂



  162.  #163liz on February 2, 2012 at 8:39 pm

    wow, he is okay with waiting to see me and is texting me….so now i have a fourth CD, europeCD, we will call him….
    woohoo!!!!

    accountantCD, eat your heart out….



  163.  #164lk on February 2, 2012 at 8:40 pm

    @tenny 148

    hm yes but i’ve been noticing how *I* use ” the L word ” & it’s not like… some Magical thing… lol… like i’ve noticed

    ” i love you ” said to a dog friend

    ” i love you ” said to a human friend

    ” i love you ” said to a parent

    ” i love you ” said to myself

    ” i love you ” said to a stranger

    i’ve noticed

    ” i’d LOVE to run a couple of errands today ”

    ” i LOVE avocado ”

    what do you think ?



  164.  #165Turquoise on February 2, 2012 at 8:42 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    I have been spending so much time on the blog lately, that some other things have been slipping, like housework, and sleep. So this morning I got some extra sleep, I got housework done after work, made homemade chicken soup and spent some quality time with my girls. I’ve been catching up on the blog while watching Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice. I’m heading to bed soon, I definitely don’t get enough sleep. Tomorrow I’m going out with the college guy, some of his friends and my sister and her boyfriend. I feel more comfortable going to the city with other people than by myself.

    I am trying to be optimistic, but my heart just isn’t in this. It’s hard when you’d rather be with someone else…. but he isn’t here anyways, so I’m going to go, have a good time, and be in the moment. Maybe I’ll be surprised.



  165.  #166Femininewoman on February 2, 2012 at 8:45 pm

    THE CHEMISTRY ILLUSION

    We women try to take this thing we call chemistry – even though it’s chemistry with a man who isn’t good for us – and we interpret that feeling as “wow, this is somebody, this is something.”

    We mistake how good a date went for what a man is feeling. We guess that if there was chemistry and he showed interest, then he must be available, he must want a relationship, and he must want it with us! But we’re really just guessing all these things about a man we know almost nothing about.

    What’s more, if you have strong chemical feelings for a guy right away, that’s an instant sign that something is wrong – this is the basis of codependency. You’re attaching a lot of meaning to very little substance and creating a fantasy. Chemistry is not a magic emotion: it is something that builds over time when you feel safe with someone and you build intimacy.

    So if you can’t go by your chemical intuition, what can you trust? Follow a much simpler route:

    GO BY WHAT A MAN DOES

    How many hours and energy have you spent trying to come up with a reason for why a man doesn’t follow up? Well, there doesn’t have to be a reason. Trying to read a man is a useless thing. Men are pretty simple: they’re either into you, or they’re not.

    You will save yourself so much pain and anxiety if you stop the detective work and instead become an observer – of what a man actually does. If a man likes you, he is supposed to call you and ask you out. If he likes you, he will follow up with you and keep asking you out. It’s really as simple as that.

    Attach no meaning to the fact that you feel all this chemistry with a man unless he’s actually showing you with his actions that he’s moving things forward. And, so you don’t lose your mind while you’re doing that, there’s something incredibly powerful you should know about…

    EXPAND YOUR IDEA OF DATING

    An effective way to correct your chemistry meter is to do what I call Circular Dating. This means you date more than one man at a time until you have the commitment you want from the man who is right for you. And you do this by going out with guys you’re not necessarily attracted to but who are doing what they’re supposed to be doing – that is: calling you, following up with you, and asking you out.

    Passion comes from something inside you (not from some guy), and then when you feel safe with someone, you let it out. You’ll be surprised by how passionate some of these guys you’re not initially head over heels for can be…if you give them a chance.

    If you think you feel so much chemistry for the men who leave you hanging, just imagine what you can experience with a man who truly cares for you, cherishes you, and does what a man is supposed to do when he’s into you!

    Circular Dating is free therapy: when you date the guys who show up in your life, you won’t get hung up on any one guy. You also learn to build chemistry by slowly trusting a man and letting your inner fire come out – with a man who’s truly good to you. Don’t let your chemistry meter allow you to accept less than the behavior – and the love – you deserve.



  166.  #167Femininewoman on February 2, 2012 at 8:50 pm

    Liz read the safety tips on the dating site. Hopefully the one you are registered on has safety tips.



  167.  #168lk on February 2, 2012 at 8:53 pm

    @Femininewoman

    “Chemistry is not a magic emotion: it is something that builds over time when you feel safe with someone and you build intimacy.”

    yummy now i’m really imagining the Chemistry of this… & how women’s cycles synchronize… & habitats adjust with climate change…… & the intricacies of human chemistry… “knitting” together … forged by Intimacy…

    slow as seasons, strong as silk



  168.  #169Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 8:56 pm

    Daria,

    Still processing what you said about being triggered when I talk about loneliness. Not sure.

    To me it’s only logical that if I spent most of my adult life communicating either on paper or on a computer screen that I wouldn’t feel as fulfilled relationally/emotionally as, say, a mother of 5 who is happily married.

    I made a comment something like that to Allana Pratt once, and she said, “It’s hard, but we single women just have to reach deeper inside, and find our inner strength.” So I resolve once again to find healing and fulfillment within, where God resides by His Spirit.

    My temptation to text Ryan remains, and I am resisting it. I wonder if I can just fall asleep without giving in.

    It’s funny – I feel more strongly pulled to you women on the blog than to my friends in my every day life. I find myself checking the blog on my phone while I am out and about. That says to me I don’t feel very fulfilled with my real world life.

    I like the depth and insight on this blog. I learn from you all every day.



  169.  #170Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 8:57 pm

    (((Turquoise))),

    RE: # 162 – “I am trying to be optimistic, but my heart just isn’t in this. It’s hard when you’d rather be with someone else…. but he isn’t here anyways”

    I really relate. It’s hard. I want to text Ryan. I might.



  170.  #171tenny on February 2, 2012 at 8:59 pm

    Femininewoman – Great article, thanks for posting it.

    IK – LOL, I’ve thought of that 🙂 Thank you so much for pointing it out, because I need to be poetic in expressing my feelings. I was feeling triggered because I see it in his eyes sometimes, but he’s cool, he never says it, but what he does say is soooo sweet and intriguing and expressive. So, after reading your post, I thought about being poetic about how I feel. So I came up with I love my kitties because they are furry fluffs of comfort and purrs, I love ice creams because each creamy spoonful is full of the happiness I have lived. So I can say how I feel about him with poetic feeling messages! Also I just realized something . . . I feel loved



  171.  #172tenny on February 2, 2012 at 9:01 pm

    Good night sirens

    Sweet dreams to you all



  172.  #173Daria on February 2, 2012 at 9:09 pm

    Brenda – i feel pulled to the blog too…

    i don’t have a lot of people that i feel comfortable talking about myself with…

    other than innumerable CD’s 🙂

    and im STILL getting results with healing my loneliness using the Chakra tapping program

    its all about ME loving me and what i say to myself about myself and my life.

    i am happily single and quite sure a married mother of 5 has nothing on me better

    i will be a happy single girl and a happily married happy mother 🙂

    **

    i didnt really ‘get anywhere’ too far thinking about this…

    what actually ‘worked’ was the Child Dates

    and especially and enormously the Chakra tapping is like wayyy opening me up about this and im SEEING my patterns and able to shift them



  173.  #174Starla on February 2, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    🙂 I survived “the talk”

    yeah, it turned into “the talk”

    i want to tell you all about it, but i’m not sure where to start…



  174.  #175Turquoise on February 2, 2012 at 9:19 pm

    Brenda, try to resist if you can… just tell yourself you’ll text him tomorrow if he doesn’t. Then maybe tomorrow you feel like you can wait another day….

    I understand your lonliness. You remind me so much of my sister, except that she was married for almost 20 years. But, even then, with his drug issues, health issues, he worked nights most of their marriage, she was alone a lot. And, she doesn’t have many close friends, had distanced herself a lot from our family…. she really felt lonely for a long time. And physical touch, she was starved for it. Part of taking care of yourself is having your needs met. If Ryan will have that type of friendship with you, with the cuddling, and the communicating, then maybe you should take advantage of it. It may feed your soul enough to bring great healing. I don’t know that it will bring you to a loving relationship where he leads and wants to marry you… but maybe first things first. Maybe you need more physical touch and intimacy in your life to really heal and grow…. and then you’ll be more ready for a relationship and marriage, not feeling socially awkward or such intense need for him.

    I’m not suggesting a FWB type relationship, but sex sure makes me feel better. Less in my head, more grounded in my body, more relaxed, it’s natural and normal, and we all deserve to have it.

    Hugs to you! Hope this doesn’t offend you in any way…. not that I think you can’t have it all…. just try not to expect him to act the way you want, if you are doing a lot of leaning forward.

    I don’t know… just feel you need intimacy in your life with someone you trust and feel comfortable with.

    My sister has been dating a guy for about 7 months now, it’s not perfect, but she’s happier than I’ve seen her in a long time, it’s done wonders for her self esteem, she has a life and plans of her own…. and she’s learning a lot about being in a relationship.



  175.  #176emmanuelle on February 2, 2012 at 9:21 pm

    Dear Rori, Dear Brenda,

    Thank you so much for your answers. Yes, he is a good man in a tough situation, and I just don’t know what to do. You’re right, I shouldn’t “pull him out,” but the thing is, he is already doing a lot to help himself, and if he fails, I just know he will drown. We have tried every type of allopath, and acupuncturists and homeopaths. He has done all sorts of tests, lasers, steroids, and then lots of homeopathy, naturopathy, and acupuncture. Everything we can think of. He is going to counselling once a week. I know I overfunction with him, but I feel like his “attraction” to me is lost anyway and in order to keep us both happy, I just need to do more when he really can’t. I ensure he gets plenty of exercise and good food, and I keep him moving when he stops. He has told me he is just not attracted to me (but that he is unable to be attracted to anyone). He says he is not excited about anything in life. However, he says he loves me more than anything and his actions prove it. When he is able, he does everything for me. Then sometimes, the depression just takes over, and he is reduced. He says it himself: he is “just a fraction” of the man he used to be. Yes, it is a very sad situation and I just don’t know what to do. Am I okay giving up a sex life for the rest of my life?

    He won’t take Viagra, I know. He won’t even talk about sex without falling into depression. He becomes so sad, clenches up, and starts to cry very often if I bring it up. So we just cuddle and sleep. He showers me with lots of affection, though. Buys me flowers for no good reason (and this after three years living together!). That makes me very happy.



  176.  #177Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 9:23 pm

    Daria,

    All you said sounds cool and very healthy. The child dates are huge. It really stuck in my head when you repeated, “Love that lil girl….” I am really making headway with that!

    I’m finding more and more ways to NOT neglect the lil girl, who felt neglected emotionally most of my life. Yes, definitely healing.

    I am finding healing even in helping my friend, ID, get in touch with her little girl. Bout a month ago, her teenage son got physical with her in a conflict and sprained her thumb. I asked her twice how was her thumb, and she said alright. Then about a week ago, she had me feel her thumb, and it felt like a bone sticking out or something off.

    I asked, “If your (10 yo) daughter had an injured thumb, would you deny her medical treatment, even if you had no insurance?” She said no. I knew I had made my point, so I simply said, “I love you.”

    I felt so happy for her when she got it x-rayed, where she found out it was only sprained, thankfully.

    Love that lil girl!
    Love that lil girl!
    Love that lil girl!



  177.  #178emmanuelle on February 2, 2012 at 9:24 pm

    I just feel that he will give me whatever I want *just* because he loves me and I want it (e.g. marriage, home, anything!), and that’s a real blessing…but what does *he* want? He has lost joy in everything.



  178.  #179Daria on February 2, 2012 at 9:32 pm

    “if he fails, I just know he will drown”

    theres the THOUGHT that’s blocking you from being in feminine energy – and giving a shot to healing the relationship

    drop this thought…



  179.  #180Starla on February 2, 2012 at 9:37 pm

    emmanuelle,

    one thing that might really help is you focusing a lot more on your own life and activities, and less on his unhappiness. i’m not saying shut him out, but become the source of your own fulfillment as much as you possibly can. I don’t mean let him off the hook as a good boyfriend (he sounds like a nice guy! so he isn’t doing you wrong here with the boyfriend stuff), but stop worrying about his happiness and be suuuuper open to him when he comes toward you.

    if he sees you seeking satisfaction in your life through your passions, it could take a lot of pressure off of him. he might not even realize the pressure it puts him under to bother you with his depression, but the guilt of it is absolutely self esteem wrecking. as someone who has been in the pits like that, i’m sure his self consciousness about his depression FEEDS the depression.

    you might find that he starts to heal and feel safe to come out of his depression when you take care of yourself by pursuing your passions and sticking to your boundaries too by expressing your feelings when you feel bad. in the long term, it’s definitely not something you can counsel him on or tell him how to fix himself, at least not in the context of a romantic relationship with boy and girl energy. i think all you can do is create an open and authentic safe space for you both.

    i hope this makes sense.

    you sound like a REALLY sweet girl!



  180.  #181Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 9:43 pm

    Emmanuelle,

    RE: #173 – “Am I okay giving up a sex life for the rest of my life? ”

    I feel your pain, because I chose no sex with men in prison for many, many years. I was taught self-sacrifice, and I gave up a lot. It is paying off in the long term, since I am feeling closer and closer to a man 15 years younger. In effect, the waiting for men in prison has preserved me for the love of my life. That is what I believe, altho it has yet to cum to fruition.

    But it is not what I would choose for anyone else. It is not what I would choose if I had it to do over. Many years have been a living hell for me, like living no life at all, giving up what I want most: a family and all the complications and joys that go with that.

    Like it says in the movie, “Anna and the King” (if I remember correctly), “If love were a choice, who would choose such an exquisite pain?”

    When another person’s life and well being is involved in our life choices, it gets really expensive to make major life changes.

    It’s one thing for me to tell people I spent years waiting for men in prison. I felt like I was doing a life sentence on the outside of the fences. But what that translated into was years of laying in bed alone, knowing all my friends my age were going to bed with their husbands; having children; and then finally having grandchildren. At times, it kills me to think I am 48 and don’t even have a child, much less a grandchild. I often feel like life has passed me by.

    I have spent many nights screaming, crying, thinking, praying, and then screaming some more, crying some more, thinking some more, and praying some more. I have gone for late night walks, humping trees in an effort to satisfy my empty womb. I have felt myself on that scary edge of the cliff of insanity, wondering if I could stand one more night alone.

    And I have succumbed to my loneliness and living like a nun. I spent about 5 years freely indulging in sex and sex clubs, and altho perhaps I broke thru some rites of passage, it also left me with many regrets and hurts. Loneliness is one of the deepest pains possible. We were created for community. We were designed to need people. And God created penises and vaginas and breasts and G-spots and clitorises.

    So I am not saying that any changes you make would be easy or effortless. But I will tell you what I would do if I were you, based on all my experience where I felt like I was sacrificing my very life for the men I have loved.

    Considering that I was thinking of giving up my central happiness for the rest of my life anyway, I would tell him, “Hey, I love you deeply and dearly, and I want nothing but the best for both of us. I don’t want to be one of those women who looks back on her life in her old age and feels the pain of loss of all she missed out on.

    “And nor do I want you to be unhappy. I care about you and your wellbeing more than you could know. But all I know is that something has to change. I can’t live like this. As much as I love you, I just can’t deny myself a lifetime of no sex. I am too much a passionate woman to live like a nun.

    “I trust God to heal you and give you what you need to be healthy and whole again. I am not your therapist and I can’t handle the burden of being your therapist. As hard as this is for me, I am going to walk away. It may not be forever, and I hope it isn’t. But I need to explore my life, and I want for you to explore your life, and all its options for healing.”

    I say this not lightly. I have known Kenny, just ONE of my long term men in prison, for 12 full years as of February 13th. I have heard him say many times that he could not survive without me. I keep him in my life as my friend because I love him as a friend and I choose to. But there was more than one period when we had fallings out and I cut him loose for a period of time.

    He did not die. He did not commit suicide. He grew stronger. He worked on himself. He worked on our relationship. I am not his caretaker, and I was never given the heavy responsibility to be his caretaker or his mommy. He is a grown man, and I trust him into God’s hands, because it is too much for me to handle alone.



  181.  #182Starla on February 2, 2012 at 9:45 pm

    emmanuelle,
    “I ensure he gets plenty of exercise and good food, and I keep him moving when he stops. He has told me he is just not attracted to me”

    think warm, inviting, soft, sexy siren
    less self-help coach. major attraction killer. it might be time to shift completely how you use your boy energy in this relationship, and maybe even have a speech on hand (we can help you) for if/when it comes up that you’re not gonna hold his hand to the gym and the salad bar anymore.

    i’m afraid this is a major attraction killer, which is fatal in combination with his predisposition to finding nothing attractive.

    i know you are trying to support him but to him this might feel like you are trying to make him “good enough” for you. he’s gotta do this much more on his own… and eventually you’ve gotta be willing to walk away from a man that can’t put being a total partner in a relationship ahead of his depression.

    i honestly feel like he could come out of this, not that i know the situation all the way. but i feel good about this man getting well and quickly!!

    again, hope this makes sense.



  182.  #183Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 9:55 pm

    Emmanuelle,

    I also have the experience of dealing with my Mom, who has admittedly related to me as her mother most of my life, leaving me feeling drained emotionally. She has been depressed most of the time I have known her and has little joy in life. She is one of my favorite people, and I love her dearly. But I have to protect myself around her emotionally, and sometimes I have to walk away from a visit when I feel sucked on.

    The bottom line in your situation is THIS IS NOT HEALTHY FOR YOU. I doubt it’s healthy for your man, either. I recommend the book, “Get Out of That Pit”, by Beth Moore. She says you CANNOT take full responsibility for the problems of another. You were not designed to carry him. He has to carry himself. Sure, we all need a helping hand. But you cannot take full responsibility for lifting and carrying him. You can only do some for him.

    It’s good you said he is trying. I think a time apart, even if it’s only a temporary, experimental time, would be healthiest for you both. Again, I am not saying it is easy or simple to do that. I realize there are many elements involved.

    I would like to spare you the depths of pain, loss, and aloneness I have put myself thru. I chose a life that I didn’t need to. If I had it to do over again, I would have chosen a different path. The words of my first boyfriend still ring in my ear, “Life is too short. By the time I get out of prison, you should be married and have 3 or 4 kids.”

    I was 25 when I met him, and he was just starting a 10 year sentence.



  183.  #184Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 10:08 pm

    Turquoise,

    RE: #172 – Thanks for the encouragement! Much of what you say resonates with me. I don’t feel offended at all. It is now after 1 am, and I got thru the night without texting him. Yay me! Right on!



  184.  #185Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 10:12 pm

    Starla,

    RE: #171 – The Talk

    Do tell! I feel excited to hear how it went!



  185.  #186Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 10:15 pm

    Emmanuelle,

    I know from personal experience that depression is a very real thing. If someone has never been in deep, debilitating depression, they cannot understand how it honestly keeps a person from functioning. “Oh he’s just having a pity party” isn’t the truth and doesn’t help. But it’s not YOURS to fix.



  186.  #187Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 10:25 pm

    Siren Island has gone to bed. I am up cuz I took a nap earlier. I feel so tempted to text Ryan now. Don’t do it Brenda. Be the prize. Let him come to you. Don’t hand yourself to him. But I feel lonely. I like to text him.

    He said I could text him. But he is going to bed earlier these days. You will be stronger if you don’t. I want to tho.



  187.  #188Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 10:27 pm

    What can I do to keep from texting him?

    Wash dishes
    Text Ryan
    Watch a movie
    Text Ryan
    Read a book
    Text Ryan
    Spam the blog
    Text Ryan
    Journal about feelings
    Text Ryan

    LOL! 😆



  188.  #189Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 10:28 pm

    Eat
    Text Ryan
    Eat
    Text Ryan
    Eat
    Text Ryan
    Eat
    Text Ryan
    Eat
    Text Ryan

    I’m going to write a book called, “Eat, Pray, Text Ryan”! LOL!



  189.  #190Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 10:31 pm

    I do not need to eat, because I am not hungry. I feel emotionally hungry. My blood sugar is level. I do not need physical nutrition. I need emotional nutrition. What are sources of emotional nutrition that are immediately available?

    Paint myself in love
    Journalling feelings
    Reading
    Going to bed and wrapping in blankets

    I feel weak and a little sick and a little tired, so I am going to wrap myself in blankets and nurture myself emotionally. Talk to myself. Think about how soft Ryan’s hair felt against my face last night.



  190.  #191Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 10:32 pm

    What gets me is how can it be so hard for me to not contact him and it seems to be so easy for him to not contact me. Okay good night, Siren Island. I love you all!

    Hugs, Brenda



  191.  #192Starla on February 2, 2012 at 10:34 pm

    I wrote a long complicated post about how the talk went. i can paraphrase though, and it’s still gonna be a little long, but here goes:

    i went through every little grievance 1 by 1 in search of gratification, but the truth is – and i didn’t realize it until i tested every micro-issue i had on my mind – i did just want to know his thoughts on longer term stuff for our relationship. i know i don’t want a ring on my finger right this second, but it would feel really really good to start learning more about each other in this way and learning truly if we’re compatible.

    and i told him that with him in town it’s easier not to take dating him so seriously and just focus on having fun with him, but with him moving away and me starting to feel very bonded more than ever to him, it feels like i’m letting my heart strings out to be tugged on hard from far away, and i don’t want to do that if we’re not talking about if we’re on the same page or not. it didn’t come out quite like that and definitely had more feeling messages in there, but bear with me in trying to recreate the general idea.

    it went great. it felt scary and hard for me. i had to get very vulnerable. i managed to do this without pressuring. he started out in his usual pattern of playing it cool, but he eventually got pretty specific and brave and direct with me. he said he has certainly thought about it and we should talk about his future and how he sees me fitting into it sometime. i said that would feel great. then a few minutes later i said i didn’t want to have another gorilla in the room of when this conversation would happen. he says he just needs time to put his thoughts together. i said ohh okay that’s totally cool by me:). And he said “awesome, then i’d love to talk to you about it tomorrow night.” I felt shocked! I thought surely he would say in a few weeks, or after he has lived in his new living situation for a couple of months…and actually that would have felt understandable to me.

    but nope. tomorrow night he says. i feel really excited to learn about what this man desires in his life.



  192.  #193Brenda on February 2, 2012 at 10:41 pm

    Starla,

    RE: #189 – Ok, I still didn’t shut off my computer. Congratulations to you! So your first post got lost somehow? I hate when that happens.

    Sounds like it went very well! He handled your detail well! Happy for you! I feel interested and happy about what tomorrow will bring.



  193.  #194Starla on February 2, 2012 at 10:46 pm

    btw ladies, he tried to deny ever playing it cool or not communicating. i let him know when this denying started to frustrate me, but mostly i just let him know how good it would feel to feel more clarity about his desires on a moment to moment and longer term basis, and how stepping up is important to me just as much as giving me space and respect, and really i focused less on the fact that he’s not doing this and denying it too.

    he totally came around.

    i had to be super vulnerable about my desires and feelings, and not make it about pressuring him and make it clear that it was safe there in that conversation (and aaaall WITHOUT overfunctioning, whew!). but it worked!

    i feel like i trained my whole rori raye career for this conversation tonight, haha.



  194.  #195Starla on February 2, 2012 at 10:59 pm

    i did start out with just telling him i noticed i feel mistrustful and weird about our communication or lack thereof. he tried to play that off all cool in response, lol. so i moved on to another example. and then another and another and i just wasn’t feeling heard or right inside… so then i was like look dude the reason all that bothers me is cuz you’re moving, and we’ve not communicated about all that or what we see happening in this realtionship…

    don’t worry…i used feeling messages, lol.

    i told him how much better i felt in the end and said thank you, and he thanked ME!

    i mean seriously that went ridiculously well.
    we talked about all the little issues at the surface of the big one, too.

    we both did so very good even though it was sooo hard to suck it up and do it right.

    i feel majorly proud of us.

    there’s so much to share about the convo and how magical and healing it was but i have homework to do and it’d take forever to cover it all.

    thank you sirens for your help. fw, thank you for being my sounding board today and offering your perspective! daria, thank you for the feeling messages, they gave me a lot of confidence going into the conversation. thank you everyone for your encouragement:):):):):) I feel so not alone in the world having this blog here THANK YOU



  195.  #196Starla on February 2, 2012 at 11:09 pm

    thanks brenda.:)



  196.  #197Starla on February 2, 2012 at 11:46 pm

    pray for lots of snowwww for us here, a snow day would feel lovely… easy breezy work from home and extra time to take care of my sireny self:)

    hope it snows like crazy:)



  197.  #198sensual on February 3, 2012 at 12:27 am

    wow Starla that’s amazing….i also feel excited for what he has to say tomorrow. thank you for sharing. I feel inspired by you.

    but also i feel a bit hopeless in this stuff right now…the last few days have not gone so well. I feel sad. back to leaning back, feeling messages. I have deleted all of their numbers so I don’t feel tempted. luckyCD is being slack and FWB, well my leaning forward over his birthday ended up just making me feel really low afterwards. I feel so unappreciated and now I feel mistrustful of lucky CD who didn’t contact me today when he said he would. grrr feeling angry. going to sleep. night night sirens.



  198.  #199Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 1:56 am

    Starla sounds like you did well congrat. Try to manage your thoughts today if you meet again to talk. Don’t overanalyze things and I would just allow him to talk today and share his thoughts to get to understand where he is coming from.



  199.  #200Butterfly Wings on February 3, 2012 at 1:58 am

    Hello beautiful sirens! I thought I’d better clarify my view on the touching thing.

    I read (or heard in one of Rori’s programs) about the touch thing and she says that initiating touch is leaning forward, hence why we should let the man do so.

    In Brenda’s situation where he is not stepping up for the most part, then she should definitely not initiate touch.

    On the other hand, if you’re in a loving, committed relationship, then by all means go for it and grab him and hug his lights out!

    But I still won’t initiate with TH – he always initiates, and of course I respond openly and warmly! 😉



  200.  #201Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 2:04 am

    If you’re spending a lot of time and energy thinking about a guy, you might be alarmed to hear that it makes you less attractive…even if he doesn’t even know you’re thinking about him! Here, Rori Raye shares a simple Tool that shifts you out of over-thinking and makes HIM start thinking about you.

    If you’re at all like me, a predictable thing happens to you when you start dating a new man you like. At first, you’re all excited, there’s a spring in your step, and you feel all aglow. People ask you what you’ve done differently.

    But then, as you get to know him and become even more interested and invested in him, something else happens. You start to think about him all the time, you begin to worry that you might mess things up, and you’re constantly wondering what he’s thinking about you. You talk about him with all of your friends, dissecting his every move. But there’s no harm in it, because he knows nothing about this – right? Wrong.

    OVER-THINKING CHANGES YOUR VIBE

    When you think about a man too much, several things happen. Emotionally, you become drained from all the analyzing. You have less energy for the other things in your life – the passions and people that made you the person he was attracted to in the first place.

    At the same time, your self-esteem goes down. Why? Because you start hanging your self worth on whether or not things will work out with this one guy.



  201.  #202Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 2:10 am

    BW thanks for clarifying. I appreciate that part of it is to help ourselves to stop the overfunctioning to see what a man is capable of or willing to give. So in my mind when I am clear that a man is giving me that and is totally willing then once in a while, especially when he specifically asks I want to remain open to giving in that way. For me it would be like being untrue to myself otherwise.



  202.  #203Butterfly Wings on February 3, 2012 at 2:16 am

    FW, yep I agree. If he’s clearly stepping up and on the way to offering what you want, then by all means reach out and touch him.

    But if he’s not, then it’s time to lean back and let him initiate. Men need touch too I’m sure, so they’ll definitely initiate if they want it themselves…



  203.  #204Butterfly Wings on February 3, 2012 at 2:21 am

    TH is out tonight. I’m kind of feeling cranky and am looking for the words to say “Uh, it would’ve been really nice if you’d actually let me know, seeing as you had told me what we were having for dinner tonight!!!”.

    I’m ok that he’s out, just not happy he didn’t think to let me know he was going. We’d worked out what we were having for dinner each night this week and he was supposed to be cooking so I messaged him to ask if I should just get myself something seeing as he hadn’t arrived home. He then texted to say he was out with the boys.

    He then texted me not long ago to let me know he wasn’t going to be late.

    Argh! Need cranky vibes to go away – and the right FM’s.

    Maybe something like: “Hey, I kind of felt bad for not knowing what was happening tonight when we’d organised what we were having for dinner etc”….

    Is that blamey???



  204.  #205Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 3:24 am

    BW,

    RE: #201 – I can’t come up with a better feeling message. I think it should be voiced in some way. Otherwise it’s just going to be bottled up, and Rori says not to do that. Just let it out and let it be.

    Sounds really inconsiderate that he didn’t let you know ahead of time.



  205.  #206Lizka on February 3, 2012 at 3:59 am

    morning… *sigh*



  206.  #207River Girl on February 3, 2012 at 4:05 am

    Morning Lizka 🙂 It’s going to be a beautiful day!



  207.  #208Lizka on February 3, 2012 at 4:06 am

    FW 198 –

    🙂 This so applies to me!!

    But what is the tool? You talk about ” Rori Raye shares a simple Tool that shifts you out of over-thinking and makes HIM start thinking about you.”…

    I feel so curious about this tool!!!!!



  208.  #209mali on February 3, 2012 at 4:07 am

    @ 78- Liz

    Aww, HUGS!! Thankyou, I feel so loved… I LOVE HUGS!! 😀



  209.  #210Aurora Girl on February 3, 2012 at 4:07 am

    Good morning Chickies…..

    BW: 201….what to say….

    “Hey, I kind of felt bad for not knowing what was happening tonight when we’d organised what we were having for dinner etc”…. Is that blamey???

    It doesn’t sound outright blamey to me….I”m wondering if there is a better way to be clear about how you felt at the time and then how you feel….in the moment….

    “Hi……glad you’re back…..I’m happy you texted me early….I was happy I heard from you and I appreciate that you let me know that you weren’t going to be late tonight coming in….

    ….but I before I heard from you I was getting hungry and looking forward to our dinner together tonight…..so I was feeling a little confused and uncertain as to what the plan was……I feel uncomfortable when those situations roll out…..I missed having dinner with you tonight like I recall we talked about…….what do you think?”

    how does that feel BW?



  210.  #211mali on February 3, 2012 at 4:23 am

    Universe,

    I’m feeling so moved today. A few minutes ago, I was just hit by this wave of love for you… I feel so overwhelmed. I mean, here I am, at the university that a year ago, I was dreaming of attending… I’m making friends with genuinely lovely people, and… I don’t know… I just feel so open, and warm, and yet teary! I’m feeling so moved.

    Thankyou for the light, barely-there snow. It looked so pretty as I stepped out this morning.

    Thankyou for the Sun, which brightens my day and makes me come alive… and touches me on such a deep level.

    Thankyou for blessing me with the gift of perception. Of seeing those things that people rarely pick up on. I used to wonder whether I was just “weird”, but now I know so much better!

    Thankyou for gently prodding me to become more self aware. It’s creating a stillness, a sense of peace within me, which I know is radiating outwards and touching everyone I come into contact with.

    Thankyou for being you. I’m so glad to have you. So much gratitude within me, I can’t express in words.

    I’m sitting here, savouring my large Signature hot chocolate (plus whipped cream and almond syrup, ofcourse ;)), and sinking into the delicious sweetness. And I’m feeling energised and excited being in the presence of MedCD. There’s that feeling of connection with another person, and that sense of appreciation, and… I feel smiley looking at his eyes. He has nice eyes. My vibe is amazing: I can feel it, and I’m just allowing myself to “be”, and allowing him to find out more about me; allowing him to be intrigued. I feel so empowered, and so beautiful.

    There’s a feeling of wonder washing over me while I’m talking with A. I knew he was intelligent, and it’s one of the things I sooo admire about him, but I didn’t expect him to step up so well. I hoped, but didn’t expect. And he’s just blowing me away. His understanding, his wanting to know how I feel, his wanting to know what I need… I’m being so vulnerable here, and it feels so powerful; I can feel that he’s there to catch me if I fall… to fill in the gaps… to help me if I need help. Wow. I feel wonder looking at him. Whoever would have guessed that he would and could show me such care?! Gratitude: continuous gratitude running through me. Wow…

    Universe, you continue to stun me with your synchronicity; with knowing exactly what I want, and delivering it on perfect time. I am eternally grateful. Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou. Knowing that you have such faith in me, I continue to leap and jump, knowing that you’re my safety net. What a feeling.

    In your love,
    Mali x



  211.  #212Butterfly Wings on February 3, 2012 at 4:34 am

    RAWR! I didn’t want to text him but I did. My niece is out it seems, and he’s just befriended her on FB (which is how I figured this out). And that’s fine, except his friend is the biggest sleaze ever. Nice guy, but sleazy and he’ll break her heart.

    I just texted TH to warn him not to let his friend at her because I do not want her getting hurt.

    Yep I know – masculine protective mode, but she’s my niece and I lover her to bits!!

    Sigh… feeling really really cranky now. Need to sink into this and then focus on something else for a while… argh!



  212.  #213Butterfly Wings on February 3, 2012 at 4:50 am

    And thanks ladies for your feedback. I’m definitely going to express it for sure. I just want to make sure I don’t come across like I’m blaming him as such.

    He’s on his way home now (at least it’s not too late here – almost 11) so I’d better go finish my client’s articles!



  213.  #214Francesca on February 3, 2012 at 5:13 am

    Lizka @ 95

    You’re welcome! 🙂

    Yes, there probably will be an occasion when we can all meet, but not before next year, I’m afraid.

    Unless I can work something out during my next summer vacation. We’ll see!



  214.  #215Francesca on February 3, 2012 at 5:15 am

    I’ll be working all day until 21h and then my man is coming to pick me up and I’ll spend three days at his place.

    So that means I won’t be able to read the posts until Monday night or Tuesday morning. A lot of reading to look forward too!

    Have a great weekend everyone! 🙂



  215.  #216tenny on February 3, 2012 at 5:18 am

    Starla

    # 192

    How beautiful!!! I’m so glad the conversation happened. Thanks for sharing that – it gives me hope 🙂



  216.  #217Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 5:21 am

    Coffee with cinnamon ~ ah!

    Back to feeling like a junkie on withdrawal. Darn. It would be so easy to contact him, now that he has said I could. But would that serve the relationship? No.



  217.  #218Lizka on February 3, 2012 at 5:24 am

    I tried many morbing for not feeling lonely in the morning and not thinking of P… Not working. Still feeling teary…



  218.  #219T-Girl on February 3, 2012 at 5:33 am

    Starla – it sounds as if you did a lot of communicating last night so I wonder why he wanted to do some more tonight? When I said that he needed to get his thoughts together, I thought he was going for the “I don’t know what I want” mode, but then to schedule for tonight, hmmm.

    I can’t wait to hear what develops.



  219.  #220Lizka on February 3, 2012 at 5:33 am

    Oups… “I tried so many things*” not mornings…



  220.  #221Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 5:34 am

    BW ““Uh, it would’ve been really nice if you’d actually let me know, seeing as you had told me what we were having for dinner tonight!!!”.

    “You know, I feel weird about bringing this up, but…I felt excited that we were going out (to dinner) tonight, and when we didn’t, I felt disappointed. I don’t want to make a big deal out of it, but I feel let down when a man doesn’t follow through with something he said he would. What do you think?”



  221.  #222Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 5:35 am

    Lizka think of yourself as the prize. Or think of yourself as the gift wrapped in shiny sparkly paper with something special in it that every man wants.



  222.  #223Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 5:37 am

    Lizka,

    It’s not working for me, either. I am playing with reframing my thoughts around our relationship. Just thinking out loud here…

    I now live an hour away from him. He has expressed several times how that is an issue. I think oh well, buddy, if you had stepped up, I wouldn’t have moved out of town. Your bad. I wouldn’t have left if he had been encouraging me to stay, if he had given me any clue that he wanted me around.

    So now he’s been here one time. And I guess it is an issue to him partially because he doesn’t have his own car – he can only borrow his parents’ cars. And because of the distance, he pretty much feels it’s not worth it for just an evening. I’m still going to church in his town, so he is being lazy and just letting me come to him. Since he doesn’t have his own car and not a lot of money, I am kind of letting him get away with it.

    I have thought what if I stopped going to my church for a while? What if I just stayed in my new area for even just a few weeks? What would happen with our relationship? It would pretty much force him to step up if he wanted to stay in my life, rather than me putting myself in his face. I keep aiming to do that, and then I give in again and not only go to church, but text him.

    I am trying to see the distance in our homes as representing the distance in our relationship, thinking about him coming my direction. Like what would happen if my car broke down? What if I were stranded here? Would he figure out a way to come to me?

    I bet he would. I need to think in terms of letting him miss me, long for me, to come my direction. I have been way too much Joanie on the spot all along, because of my powerful attraction to him.

    I can’t put my heart into Cding. I don’t feel like trying. I don’t want to put out any more time and energy on dating. It feels wasted.

    All I know is I am putting out WAY too much time and energy to keep myself from contacting him. That’s not cool. I am not getting near enough done. I am spending myself on staying normal, like being in a continual state of withdrawal from a heavy drug over him. That’s what I want to fix.

    Tap into tapping.

    Maybe just take myself in hand and go to the Y like I had planned, and spend an afternoon there. I feel fascinated with the blog. I like to hang out here. But then I end up thinking about Ryan the whole time.



  223.  #224Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 5:41 am

    BW “I just texted TH to warn him not to let his friend at her because I do not want her getting hurt.”

    A big no no. If I feel protective of your niece I would say that. If I feel scared that she might get her heart broken, I would say that. If I felt panicked about his friend getting too close to my niece I might say that. But from my experience a man will say she is a big girl she can take care of herself. So I will chose to talk to the girl about my concerns. Just that there is a catch. Many times when we warn people about things it triggers their resistance so they go towards whatever we are warning them against.



  224.  #225Lizka on February 3, 2012 at 5:46 am

    FW –

    I tried thinking of me as the price, but then Ithought “I’m a price that no one is claming me. And no one is even lookig at it…

    There is prices like that…

    And I started feeling teary and almost cried in the crowded metro…



  225.  #226Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 5:55 am

    Each time I feel oriented on developing MY life, Ryan comes back and then I get oriented around HIS life again. It’s been a long time, years, since I functioned at 100%. What is the difference between now and the 1980s, when I was able to pour myself into becoming my best self?

    At that time, I read a book about relationships that said to become the person you want to marry. Inotherwords, if I want to marry someone in good physical condition, be in good physical condition. If I want to marry a minister, become a minister. If I want to marry someone with a lot of knowledge in a certain area, gain knowledge in that area.

    Of course, this is much what Rori talks about, too. At that time, I plunged into the “Fit for Life” program, eating mostly fruits and vegetables. I burned thru cases of oranges and grapefruits; bunches of bananas; huge fruit salads; watermelons; salads. I tried lots of recipes out of “Fit for Life”.

    I started out walking and jumping on a mini-trampoline. I felt good and altho I didn’t do perfectly with it all, after 3 years, I had lost 90 lbs and was wearing a size 12.

    At that time, I was also reading the Bible an hour a day. Now I am listening to the Bible almost as much.

    So what is stopping me now? Huge mental blocks. I am not IN depression, but I still battle it. I want to write myself a time schedule that includes my high priorities. One thing going on is the amount of time I am spending with people, in order to pull out of my loneliness and keep from contacting Ryan. It definitely helps.

    In the 80s, I felt more content being alone. The deep loneliness hadn’t fully hit me yet. I routinely spent most of my time alone exercising, with my horses, dogs, and God. I still enjoy SOME time alone, but I have sought out human companionship with a vengeance after so many years alone.

    All I have is today. What am I going to do today? I intend to do some paperwork that is urgent. I intend to spend a couple hours at the Y swimming and reading. I intend to spend at least an hour cleaning the house.

    I want to regain the productive attitude I had in the late 80s when my life took such a turn for the better.



  226.  #227Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 5:57 am

    Lizka it is your choice to make. You choose what you think. You can also choose to talk yourself out of your happiness.



  227.  #228Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 5:59 am

    “Should you text a guy after a date?” is a commonly asked question. Although I advise that you wait for the guy to make contact after a first date, here are the 3 reasons why you should text a short thank you note to a guy after a date:

    – You should text him a “thank you” if this is NOT your first date

    – You should text “thank you” if the guy took you out and made arrangements to do exactly what you wanted to do or what you enjoy doing to please you

    – You should text a “thank you” note if, in addition to the first two reasons above he also paid

    As you can see, there is nothing bad that can come out from texting a guy to thank him when it is clear
    that he likes you and wants to see you again, when he went out of his way to do what you enjoy and paid for things on a date.

    It is rude not to thank him after a date unless you already thanked him at the end of the date.

    Stay tuned for more tips on texting guys and more dating and relationship tips!

    For a complete guide on texting men check out
    Should I Text Him == > http://should-i-text-him.com

    Kindest Regards,

    Elaine M.D.



  228.  #229Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 6:01 am

    I keep reviewing this that another siren posted some time ago:-

    1. Reminder to ME (myself lol)
    I am the focus.
    I do not wonder why a man did this or did not do this
    My job is not to see why he did whatever. My job is to wonder why I react in such a way to what he did. And to discover what it is I really want and really don’t want.
    The man is not important.
    A safe warm relationship is important.
    I don’t put my choice on any man unless I have known him for a long time and observed he is steady in his acts with me, and he proposes to me.
    Over all, I don’t put my choice on the first one who wants exclusivity.
    Is he putting ME number one priority?
    Is he respecting my wish to keep chaste?
    Is he only trying to have a girl friend fast until he meets his Mrs right, or is he really into ME, accepting the no sex situation?
    Give myself time to really cdating many men.
    Give myself a chance to really know myself through my reaction to each of my dates.
    I don’t know around which one I will feel safe and warm .
    Let them be who they are and just wait to see who I am.
    Do not expect them to call Me.
    If they do, fine, if they don’t, I forget them.
    Expectation is opposite to circular dating.
    Be my true self, be happy during the date, enjoy myself, they will feel it, they will want more.
    Don’t focus on what I have to say , that is a way to focus on him
    Don’t focus on how to make him feel he should see me again
    That is a way to focus on him
    enjoy MYSELF
    I may use the tools to polish my real “me”, but not to change my real “me”.
    The tools change Me’s attitude, not who she is.
    The tools organize what Me already feels coz she is such a mess. Lol
    But the tools do not make up new feelings, they simply point at the feelings she had long hidden somewhere inside the emotional soup.
    The tools gave Me a way to express her boundaries.
    And she learnt respect: to herself and to others.
    She stays out of men’s mind, she respects their boundaries.
    She does not ask “why”about a man, not even to herself.
    “Me” is “Me”, stable inside herself.
    Me inspires safety to men.
    No matter if my date likes my type of life or not, he feels good with Me.
    He might not call back because he thinks Me is not a match, but he respects the souvenir of Me.
    Because I was authentic to him, I was generous showing my soul, no small attitude like shyness or anything.
    Me did not try to take anything from him, Me was not expecting any particular outcome, Me was just in the moment, enjoying a night at the restaurant.
    He felt it.
    So after his mind took all the roads it needs to take, either he meets the love of his life and be it, Me did not waste her time dating him in the mean time, or he will call Me. He will need to make sure he did not miss a gem
    Either way, I don’t even think of it. I’ve got a life to live and men to meet.
    If Me was not generous that night, it is also FINE.
    Me notes down her real feelings, Me observes her reaction to the situation and Me digests the lesson she was meant to learn from it.
    Me wins in learning more about herself
    That’s why Me can never be wrong in whatever she does in her cdating
    And Me gets back outside, she gets a new date.
    Me tries to date several men, it is easier to keep her mind off each of the men when Me has to split her mind among them, plus her real life.
    A date is jut a date
    if the man stays in her life, she will be surprised
    but she does not expect him to stay.
    She is not a thief, meeting people with the intention to take something from them. (That’s how men resent her expectation)
    She is her own woman, she is meeting people just to feel her own vibes through her interactions with them.
    There will come a time when she will master her vibes
    That will be when Mr Right’s vibes will connect to hers and he will do everything he can to keep her in his life.
    C dating is about putting the focus on Me
    So my date has no way out, he puts the focus on Me too.
    When what he sees under the focus light is something he can’t handle or way too far from his own nature, he will not call back
    IT IS FINE
    It only takes ONE to marry
    I only want ONE to call for ever.
    IT IS FINE if 200 dates do not call back, it only means none was a match for Me. It does not say a single thing about how valuable my life is.
    NOT taking anything personally is also very sexy. It keeps my doors open to Mr Right.



  229.  #230Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 6:04 am

    C dating is about NOT trying to peep into a man’s mind and heart. It is private, taboo, we can’t do that. It is rude, it is a type of emotional rape. It makes them run sooner or later. Even if Me meant good, she still is stepping out of her mind to try to peep inside his mind.
    A man needs ME inside Her own mind if he wants to connect with her
    If Me keeps stepping out of her mind, his vibes will never reach anything and will die.
    He will try to send his vibes to another woman.
    That’s why cdating is a life style for ever , even after Me is married.
    C dating is about minding what is in Me’s own mind and never in his mind.
    It implies Me never wonders “why”
    “Why” means she wishes he was doing things the way she wants things to be
    1) she is judging him as a failure already, instead of accepting him
    2) she is expecting a square thing already.
    There is no room left for the real thing to happen.
    Me should stop wondering about “why” and she should allow men to surprise her with their own vibes.
    Me should stop expecting them to abandon their own self to match her own vibes.
    Loosers might do that and men trying to get something from her
    lol
    Me is happy she understood why she is not happy with the quality of the last man
    wow
    lol
    good men don’t even know how to abandon their own vibes.
    They are stable within their own self , the one they wish Me to feel.
    Me needs to wait inside her mind, focused on herself, for a man to send her his vibes. .
    He wants Me to feel him
    I suppose that’s what rori calls “to get him”
    He does not want Me to analyze what he does . He does not want Me to analyze what she should do to attract him.
    He wants her to stay centered inside herself
    keep the focus on Me
    What he does or feels is inside him hence it is taboo, don’t even take that road.
    What ME feels is inside Me hence it is casher lol she can work on it.



  230.  #231Butterfly Wings on February 3, 2012 at 6:06 am

    Ok he’s home. It didn’t go badly. It didn’t go great either, but I said what I had to say and we’re still on good terms so I feel happy about that and glad I said something.

    He was actually considering going back to his house tonight because it’s a LOT closer to the city than my house but he said that he thought I’d get upset if he’d done that.

    I told him I wouldn’t have gotten upset at all (but I should have said something like I feel good that you want to come back here or something), then he said that last time I did get upset. But I think he’s remembering pre-December times, because back then I would have gotten upset!

    So it’s possible he came home purely so I wouldn’t be upset with him. Not sure that’s a good thing…. :-\



  231.  #232Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 6:07 am

    A well structured cool woman is a sex bomb
    She needs to respect men’s feelings and to stay out of their boundaries
    No suggestion of what he could do, no questioning why he does whatever. In fact, no questions at all.
    Questions are intrusions into men’s mind, it freezes them.
    Plus questions are opposite to cdating.
    Cdating is about focusing on Me, opposed to paying attention to what he does when he is not even in front of her
    So she stops the emails type ”hello, how are you doing or what are you doing”
    she also stops adding a friendly question at the end of the answers she sends back to them.
    it took her all these years to understand:
    NO questions
    She is detached, so logically, she does not feel curiosity, she does no ask.
    She is doing him a favor answering as it is, but that’s it.
    He needs to find what else to say , if he really wants to keep the convo going. But she must stop pulling the rug from under his feet, with her questions. Questions is an emotional castration.
    lol
    Who would have known?
    Questions are shortening the vital distance between the man and her. He panics away.
    She thinks she is getting it.
    She needs to overcome the need to KNOW everything, to control. Respect and trust for the other.
    Thus, she needs to also overcome the need to explain.
    No questioning, no explaining.
    wow all she needs is to be simpler a lot simpler.
    Stop feeling and thinking for others. It is none of her business.
    Stick to what he writes. Answer to it, don’t add anything, don’t step off tracks, don’t over do it.
    Listen to what he says, speak back in his same track, follow him, don’t take a new track by asking or explaining or advicing



  232.  #233Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 6:10 am

    BW it might be a message for you to look inside yourself to see what you would have felt. It woud feel lonely, empty watever, but it would be great if it was clear so you could figure a way of taking care of that feeling.



  233.  #234Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 6:15 am

    FW,

    RE: #227 – I wonder if you wrote that?? I like it!



  234.  #235Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 6:17 am

    BW,

    RE: #228 – Glad it went ok. Did he say why he changed plans without bothering to let you know?



  235.  #236Starla on February 3, 2012 at 6:18 am

    i feel glad to know i could trust my instincts on this one with CF:) and i thought i would feel angry or turned off for having to “lead” on this, but i really don’t. i managed to do it without overfunctioning, amazing. i feel excited to hear more about what he wants:):) and experience him as a more complete person with desires and feelings. i feel so much better with openness and honesty on the table. i’m less scared of the truth and his real feelings than i am of having no communication.

    btw the snow is crazy…
    i dunno if it’s a snow day, but i’m taking one. go on and fire me after 5 years for working from home in a bad storm:P



  236.  #237Lizka on February 3, 2012 at 6:21 am

    Just realized that my morning sadness from the last days (and worst today) might be related to the fact that I am PMS… Or to my addiction to coffee…?



  237.  #238Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 6:23 am

    FW,

    RE: #229 – Who was this one written by? It is the most convincing piece I’ve heard yet on why not to ask a man questions. I am still not fully convinced, tho.

    I can see how questions may make a man feel panic and freeze up. Yet with Ryan, if I DON’T ask questions, he tells me virtually nothing about himself. This is a long term, 3 year relationship. Yet there are many, many things I don’t know about him.

    In 2009, our dates largely took the place of him asking me questions and me answering, one after another. So he knows me to the core, while I know some things about him. I have many, many questions about who he is inside.

    How will I ever get to know him? I don’t get it.



  238.  #239Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 6:25 am

    Starla,

    RE: #233 – That is fantastic! You have become a model Siren! These feeling messages have really become second nature to you, haven’t they?

    I heard blizzard in your state on the news. Go for it!

    You said you worked there 5 years – so is this the same job as the one where you were trying to get something legalized? I don’t always read every post on the blog, but I thot you had left that job?



  239.  #240Starla on February 3, 2012 at 6:31 am

    lol my boss who was such a doodiehead yesterday saying it wasn’t going to snow just emailed the whole company saying he wasn’t coming into the office on account of snow.

    yeah, me either 😀



  240.  #241Starla on February 3, 2012 at 6:34 am

    Brenda, i worked for my current company, then i worked BOTH jobs, legalizing by day and statistical researching by night, then i quit the legalization job to take a promotion at my current job at the research firm.



  241.  #242Starla on February 3, 2012 at 6:36 am

    lizka, it could be! i say always take care of your physiology first and then see how you’re feeling emotionally.

    addictions lead to unstable moods. cigs and coffee especially.

    so you’re not some crazy depressed person. your body is just messing with you probably.



  242.  #243Iamabutterfly on February 3, 2012 at 6:42 am

    *catching up on reading the blog*

    @208 mali – that felt absolutely beautiful and peaceful to read. I feel so happy feeling of your peace and contentment!

    @Starla – I felt like I was reading a romantic suspense novel with your story. Congrats on being vulnerable and having the talk!

    One thing I noticed is that you feel like he is not open with you sometimes. Maybe that could be a result of your not being as open with him before as you would have liked? Sounds like you are both moving forward with that, though, so good job!

    That is something that I’ve noticed in myself. When I start complaining about qualities I see in the men I’m seeing, I often find that I’m really frustrated with myself for those very qualities!

    Feels good to recognize that…



  243.  #244Starla on February 3, 2012 at 6:44 am

    229 FW that is a great article.

    asking questions puts guys on the spot. even imaginary questions they assume from your words can put them on the spot and the answer is rarely satisfying when they’re put on the spot.

    this is why it’s so important to structure things with “I feel…. i don’t want…. what do you think?”



  244.  #245Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 6:44 am

    Starla,

    Good for you on the job! Are you still able to work on your PhD in the midst of it all? I love messing around with words, too! “Words are my life!”

    That was a cute quote from the movie, “Never Been Kissed”. Seriously tho, I want to write a book. I need to spend my time doing more purposeful activity, rather than the hours I spend writing on the blog. I just love it here on Siren Island, tho! LOL! There’s no place like it in the world! I wish we had a real island to which we could go to vacation!



  245.  #246Butterfly Wings on February 3, 2012 at 6:47 am

    FW, I would have been fine if he didn’t come back here, because I’m so busy writing articles anyway. Having him here is actually a hindrance sometimes! lol

    But I do miss him when he’s not here – purely because I just love his company.

    And Brenda, no he didn’t, which is kind of a good thing I think. He didn’t feel he had to defend himself – I didn’t want him to feel that way because this was purely about me and how I felt of course. Well.. it was supposed to be! Haha!

    In saying that though, I know it sunk in and I made it very clear I was ok with him going out but that it would’ve been nice if he’d thought to let me know. I didn’t use those words, but that was the gist of it.



  246.  #247Starla on February 3, 2012 at 6:47 am

    butterfly,
    “One thing I noticed is that you feel like he is not open with you sometimes. Maybe that could be a result of your not being as open with him before as you would have liked?”

    yep!!! he lovingly called me out on it last night when i was tip toe-ing around certain words and ideas. and i was like omg you are so right and this is not how i want to communicate in relationships!

    he did great! and so did i! i feel like real grown ups, hehehe.



  247.  #248Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 6:49 am

    Butterfly Wings,

    Cool, sounds like you handled it well.



  248.  #249Starla on February 3, 2012 at 6:55 am

    Brenda, I will step down as a manager at the firm and go back to being an assistant once school starts. i can work from home at my convenience as an assistant. pretty awesome, huh?

    hopefully i’ll be working as an assistant at the university on research there, though:):):)



  249.  #250Starla on February 3, 2012 at 6:56 am

    244, i meant to address that to Iamabutterly, sorry BW!



  250.  #251Mel on February 3, 2012 at 6:56 am

    Awww….

    Yesterday I had a really open-heart melty experience.

    So firstly, I found out that my contract at work will be renewed permanently! Yippee!! That means health benefits, vacation, and more stability. Sweet!! My clients have been campaigning to my manager that they would really like to see me stay on and continue to work with them. A few even wrote beautiful letters to her about how much they loved working with me. I felt so appreciated and valued and important.

    So I texted Mr. A to tell him the great news… yes, leaning forward, but I think sharing exciting happy news warrants it. I was feeling soooo good and confident and rock-starish about myself.

    He texted back how thrilled he was for me and insisted that he take me out to dinner to celebrate. He said he wasn’t taking no for an answer.

    So I met up with him after work and he was so smiley and charming and happy for me.

    And even though it had only been one day/night apart, he told me how much he missed me and how it felt like forever since he’s seen me. Then he said he feels addicted and he’s so happy that I could make time for him.

    And then he looked into my eyes so dreamily and intensely and lovingly that I blushed. And I even had to look away shyly for an instant, because it just felt so intense and amazing. And then we just kindly and lovingly gazed at each other and I smiled softly, demurely. He beamed. And he reached for my hands across the table and caressed them gently. And neither of us said a word… but we didn’t need to. In that moment, I felt so much love pouring out toward me. And I just melted and accepted the love and for once words didn’t matter because this felt so much better.

    Ahhhh…. I am enjoying going with the flow!



  251.  #252Sondra on February 3, 2012 at 6:59 am

    Good Morning Sirens!

    I had a moment last night when I wished I could stop time and ask you all for some advice – lol! It was a “What the hell is wrong with me?” moment!

    I was laying in bed with my man, he had me all snuggled up next to him and he was whispering in my ear everything a woman would ever want to hear – all about how much he loves me, wants to please me, wants me, needs me, me, me, me and inside, I could feel myself starting to freeze up and shut down!

    The worst part was, he could feel it too! He pulled back a little and looked in my eyes and said, “You just got so still and quiet, I’m scaring you, aren’t I?”

    I was tong tied! I didn’t know what to say – I laughed a little too loud and said, “You were just talking so much, all I could do was listen” . . . UGH! Not a very siren thing to say!

    Our relationship is new, but I do feel like we might have actually gotten very lucky and each found someone to deeply love. I like being told those things, but when he starts really pouring it on, I just go completely numb inside – WHY???



  252.  #253Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 7:01 am

    Mel “So I texted Mr. A to tell him the great news… yes, leaning forward, but I think sharing exciting happy news warrants it. I was feeling soooo good and confident and rock-starish about myself.”

    In Reconnect Rori says these are the things that we lean forward to do. The one time when we can lean forward – to share our passion about our lives, vacation etc.



  253.  #254Mel on February 3, 2012 at 7:02 am

    LiliBee!!! (Lili 41) That’s a great name sweetie! I’d love for you to come visit me and the bees. I’ve been contemplating changing my name here as well. Perhaps something a little more anonymous…



  254.  #255Butterfly Wings on February 3, 2012 at 7:03 am

    Mel, I just let out an audible “Awwww!” as I read your post! Sigh….! 🙂

    I am so soooo happy for you!

    If you were told a year ago that you were going have things this good, would you have believed it??? Yay! 😀



  255.  #256Starla on February 3, 2012 at 7:06 am

    yay, mel!

    sorry i abandoned going with the flow for the night!! i am sure you will understand, but i’m still sorry!



  256.  #257Mel on February 3, 2012 at 7:06 am

    “If you were told a year ago that you were going have things this good, would you have believed it?”

    Butterfly Wings,

    Nope! I certainly would not have believed it!!!



  257.  #258Mel on February 3, 2012 at 7:08 am

    Starla,

    Sometimes going with the flow means speaking your truth… 🙂



  258.  #259Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 7:08 am

    Sondra it could be fear of intimacy or fear of having the love we so desire because we believe we don’t deserve it or that it won’t last. It is my sense that you could have just agreed with him. Just say yep. Love can be scary. Rori is clear in Reconnect that they can feel what is happening under the surface. So essentially it is not wise to deny the truth. Just agree with him or just say hhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmm or I am not even sure what I am feeling or I am at a loss for words to express how I am feeling. Sometimes it is a mix of excitement and fear.



  259.  #260Tiffany on February 3, 2012 at 7:10 am

    Whoa – I am a big fan of regular cheesecake, but that raw cashew cheesecake recipe looks GOOD! Yum.



  260.  #261Camille on February 3, 2012 at 7:12 am

    Awww Mel, I just love that! I love Mr. Architect man! lol You sound so great and your energy is attracting everything you want! Its so exciting to hear about Thank You for sharing.

    I too, am having the most wonderful “melty” experiences. I feel so free, not controlling an outcome and just going with the flow and being surprised the funny thing is the surprises are so much grander than I ever could have tried for.

    Last night “T” called and asked me what the kids were doing, both of them were at activites, so he asked me to dinner.

    I had absolutely no expectations, but I was feeling hungry so I warmly accepted.

    before dinner he just spewed all the things I had ever done for him that meant the world to him. He thanked me over and over for being there for him when he really felt lost over the last 10 years. He preceeded the conversation with I dont want to make you cry. (LOL) In another version of myself I would have cried, but I didnt cry. My heart was so open that I just took it all in and my heart grew and grew and filled up with all the gratitude and love he was giving me. Now ……he had tears in his eyes!

    And I accepted it fully, and I knew I deserved it! And I offered nothing in return, none of the but you have done this for me, and I wanted to do it
    no explaining, just acceptance,

    It was so beautiful. Then we had the most light fun conversation over dinner, I flirted with the host, he flirted with the waitress, we laughed.

    Aww it felt so good. I loved connecting with him like that again, but I do not feel the need to grab onto it all so tightly that he pushes him away.

    Because now I know I can have that with many men, if I choose, why because I am finally seeing how much of a goddess I have in me and she is strong, feminine, soft, beautiful, kind and needs no protecting.



  261.  #262Camille on February 3, 2012 at 7:16 am

    Sondra,
    I cant say if its definitely what your experience was, but I have done the exact same thing in the past and in my healing become aware, that it was fear of intimacy. The best way to overcome fear of intimacy is be authentic to your feelings, in words and actions. Start telling him exactly how you feel, especially if he asks. No pretending!



  262.  #263Mel on February 3, 2012 at 7:16 am

    Sondra,

    Rori wrote an article a little while back about changing fear into excitement. It really helped me…

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/heal-your-heart/the-carnival-of-feelings/



  263.  #264Jilly on February 3, 2012 at 7:18 am

    Good morning Sirens 🙂

    just caught up with all the posts…wow

    Starla…yay!!! I feel excited to hear more too!

    Brenda…you are doing sooo fabulous! 🙂

    lk….yep…that is the answer to true weight loss…get happy now

    Lizka…(((hugs))) I have a feeling that your sadness has to do with the thoughts you are thinking when you first wake up…I mean…if you felt excited and happy about Aroundtheworld CD I wonder if you would be thinking that coffee was the problem…do you see that? I used to do this all the time… maybe right before bed you can find something you feel excited about for the next day and see how you feel when you first wake up….works for me 🙂

    k I have a busy fabulous day…and a CD tonight 🙂

    you Sirens are the best and I feel so grateful for you 🙂



  264.  #265Mel on February 3, 2012 at 7:23 am

    Awwww… Camille! I feel so thrilled to read your update. You are such an inspiring goddess!



  265.  #266Mel on February 3, 2012 at 7:24 am

    Sondra:

    “Maybe the fear is that
    we are less than we think we are,
    when the actuality of it
    is that we are much much more.”

    -Jon Kabat-Zinn



  266.  #267Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 7:28 am

    WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T STOP DATING

    Once you’ve found a man you think is a potential keeper, it’s tempting to clear out your calendar for him and not even consider other dates. But this is exactly what makes you become fearful and worried about whether he’s going to call and what’s going to happen next. Result: you can’t stop thinking about him, and he’ll pick up on the fact that you’re hinging on his every move.

    That’s why you absolutely need to keep connecting with other men and going out on dates with them. When you do, you’re immediately taking the pressure off both you and the guys you’re seeing. It will stop you from over-thinking about any one man, which means you won’t have that clingy, fearful, unattractive vibe I talked about before. The fact that you’re on eHarmony means you have a fantastic Tool at your disposal to keep yourself from prematurely cutting off your options. Use it!

    THINK OF YOURSELF AS THE PRIZE

    Often, and especially when we meet a man we think could really be “it,” something inside us immediately starts to sabotage it. It’s what I like to call the “nasty voice,” and I’m sure you’re familiar with it – it’s that negative-thinking part of you that says you aren’t good enough to have all the love you deserve from a truly wonderful man.

    Well, you do. And since I like visual Tools, I want you to think of your favorite dish. Let’s say it’s chocolate cheesecake. Think of everything you love about chocolate cheesecake and what makes it so wonderful. Who wouldn’t want a piece of that? Same goes for you. Now, whenever you are feeling overcome by feelings of inadequacy, I want you to immediately think of that dessert and say to yourself, “I am the chocolate cheesecake!”

    I know this sounds silly, but believe me – it works. It’s so silly, that it will instantly lighten your mood and hence your vibe, so that you really do loosen up and become instantly more attractive. It’s similar to what happens when you’re walking down the street and you’re remembering that great kiss you had with your guy. Instantly, a smile washes over your face and people want to know: “What did you do differently?”

    Rori



  267.  #268Lili 41 on February 3, 2012 at 7:31 am

    @FW: “Many times when we warn people about things it triggers their resistance so they go towards whatever we are warning them against.”

    Oh yeaaah! Am I ever getting that now!
    Pure LOA, attracting what we don’t want.

    My new name is still in moderation.
    How long does it take to get out of moderation?
    Am I slowing the process by using my old name in the meantime?
    I wanna be LiliBee!



  268.  #269Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 7:32 am

    Camille – that was beautiful. Reminded me of Rori talking about holding your relationship like sand – with an open hand.



  269.  #270Camille on February 3, 2012 at 7:32 am

    FW
    Thanks for 226 227 I love that!



  270.  #271Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 7:35 am

    Featured Topic: Beware Of The Man Who Has A Temper – Part 2

    The question I have received repeatedly regarding a man with a temper was the following: “What are the warning signs?” For those of you that are interested, I have outlined them below:

    Hypersensitivity – He is easily offended, and often takes the slightest set back as a personal attack. His hypersensitivity puts a woman in the position of having to walk on eggshells for fear of upsetting him.

    Blames Others – In his mind, there is always an excuse as to why his life isn’t what he thinks it should be, and he usually blames others for his life’s shortcomings. He does not take responsibility for his own happiness.

    Pressure to commit in the early stages of a relationship – Does he want your commitment to date him exclusively or your hand in marriage very quickly? His passion for a sudden commitment may seem romantic, but it usually is a good indicator that he is impulsive. Whatever he feels – he acts upon. This also means that when he is upset, that same impulsivity will cause him to overreact to the slightest thing.

    Excessive Jealousy and Controlling Behavior – Is he jealous and controlling? Has he told you it is because he loves you so much, or that he only wants to help you? Has he started telling you what to wear, who you can socialize with, or where you can go? This is not love. This is considered control.

    Unrealistic Expectations – Does he expect you to be the perfect woman? Are you responsible for meeting his every need? If you disappoint him in any way, are you heavily penalized for it either through verbal abuse, or passive aggressive behavior such as being ignored for days? There is no way an individual can live up to these types of expectations, and often it is difficult to always know exactly what the specific expectations are.

    What if you’re already dating or married to one of these men? There is no simple answer to that question. Both The Woman Men Adore and What Husbands Can’t Resist show women how to respond to a man’s anger. However, if he is abusive in any way, I highly recommend that you seek the services of a Licensed Professional Counselor or Psychologist.

    Bob Grant



  271.  #272Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 7:38 am

    Now more than ever, men are ruling out women rather than ruling in women.

    That means even nice, available, quality men are looking for a reason to rule a new woman out, and they’re more likely than ever to hit the pavement when you display a red flag.

    So, what are the three major ways you tell men you’re undateable?

    1. You have low self-esteem. If you’re constantly looking for validation from people, and you look to others for your value, the man you’re interested in will pick up on that and take off.

    2. You’re bitter. If he gets the impression that you’re bitter about men and relationships, he will not stick around. No man wants to spend an entire relationship convincing you he’s not so bad as your ex.

    3. You’re too cool. If you don’t express any interest in dating or the man in front of you, he probably won’t express much interest in you either.

    What’s scary is that most women broadcast things like insecurity, bitterness, and a blase attitude without even knowing it.

    In today’s Dating Den, we reveal the sneaky ways you unknowingly hint to men that you’re undateable. Watch now and take notes!

    Big hugs,

    Marni

    http://datingwithdignity.com/2012/02/dating-den-are-you-considered-undateable/



  272.  #273Camille on February 3, 2012 at 7:40 am

    Thanks sirens for the encouragement.

    Just another “feeling” I want to share.

    I have stopped labeling my relationships.
    I dont know what “T” and I are and it doesnt matter….it truly is what it truly is in the “NOW” along with the other “texting” relationships I have going.



  273.  #274Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 7:44 am

    Starla,

    RE: #246 – Excellent! Good for you!



  274.  #275Camille on February 3, 2012 at 7:45 am

    oh how nice….”T” just texted me that he was going snowmobiling today and thanked me for being so nice.”

    I replied, oh, have fun, it’s going to be a beautiful day.

    I have finally stopped being a cactus! I love hearing from men, that I am sweet, kind and nice.

    I used to cringe at those words, I “thought” they were weakness!

    Just another reason to stay out of my HEAD……..my heart is so much softer, kinder, warmer and beautiful. I love my heart.



  275.  #276Jilly on February 3, 2012 at 7:50 am

    Camille…I can feel your softness…it feels so open warm and inviting..very sireny 🙂



  276.  #277Lili 41 on February 3, 2012 at 7:51 am

    222:

    Lizka,

    Maybe, it could help you to view some Abraham Hicks videos on Youtube.
    Just search her name and you’ll see a long list with many subjects.
    I typed in the search bar “Abraham Hicks self forgiveness” and “Abraham Hicks self love”, and I found many videos of hers on those subjects specifically.

    It does help.
    Allthough I go back and watch them over again, then search new ones and it makes me feel better.

    It can also be a definite help in making your wishboard like you planned for this weekend.

    I once got together with a bunch of girls 10 years ago to make a wishboard.
    There was 6 of us on a big kitchen table.
    We had all brought our magazines to cut out pictures, our glue, our carboards…it was such a wonderful day.
    We had laughs. It is a wonderful moment to remember.
    Half of the things on my wishboard came true.

    I already started to collect new pictures to make a new one.



  277.  #278T-Girl on February 3, 2012 at 7:51 am

    Such great things happening to the sirens these past couple days! It is going to be a wonderful weekend. I know I will have a wonderful weekend as I just did my taxes and am getting a return. So maybe I will be able to finally fix my garage door that is broken and a new computer since this one is on its last legs.

    I will also be spending the weekend with J as my daughter is off to her dad’s. I am looking forward to some more touching 🙂



  278.  #279lk on February 3, 2012 at 7:55 am

    AHHHHH SIREN ISLAND sounds so fun this morning !

    & @Starla Snow Day : )))))))))))) woo hoo !



  279.  #280Starla on February 3, 2012 at 8:10 am

    magic snow!

    feels much more magical when i don’t have to cross the city in it:)

    just enjoying the view from my monster-sized window:):)



  280.  #281Camille on February 3, 2012 at 8:11 am

    Thank you Jilly!



  281.  #282Lili 41 on February 3, 2012 at 8:11 am

    248:

    Mel,

    Thank you so much for giving us a glimpse of what that feels like.

    My heart filled with the vibration of love when I read that. 🙂



  282.  #283Starla on February 3, 2012 at 8:15 am

    the snow also means that maybe CF will have to cancel our date, and in honor of Go With The Flowbruary, i intend to go with the flow about whether we can go out tonight.

    i have a bad habit of trying to ‘make things happen’

    which is what this thread’s article is all about!!

    i could remind him right now to get a shovel before the management office at his complex closes, i could suggest he swap cars out with someone in his family (they’re better in the snow) before it gets too late… or if he says he can’t make it i could start coming up with solutions so he can make it…

    last snow storm this is kinda what i did. i could feel how bad this felt for both of us. This article makes a great point, and in a way it’s all about going with the flow.



  283.  #284Camille on February 3, 2012 at 8:19 am

    Starla,
    do you have a plan B if he cant make it? Something you enjoy doing by yourself that you cant do with him around?

    Look at your night with no expectations and a chance to be surprised. If he makes it……wonderful surprises await. If he cant make it………wonderful surprises await, I like to focus on things that I sometimes want to do when they are around and cant. Think of both as a wonderful opportunity that is being handed to you!



  284.  #285Starla on February 3, 2012 at 8:21 am

    Awww mel I just re-read your story and i feel teary and joyful for you. Mr. A is the real deal and he’s all about you:) You deserve it, which is the best part:):):)



  285.  #286Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 8:21 am

    Starla,

    RE: #280 – I want to join Team Go-With-the-Flow!

    LOL, I tend to be the same way. I couple times I’ve caught myself suggesting and solving when Ryan says he can’t come see me. Then after, I realize to myself that if he wanted to be here at my house, he’d be here.

    So I am going with the flow, or at least that is my aim!



  286.  #287Camille on February 3, 2012 at 8:23 am

    OK Sirens, Im gonna need your help. (please)
    I want to be good to myself so Im going to stop drinking diet coke. I am an absolute addict. Im committing to not putting horrible chemicals into my beautiful body any more.

    I am making myself accountable here on the blog.



  287.  #288Starla on February 3, 2012 at 8:25 am

    camille, thank you for the reminder to come up with a plan b! i always forget to do this because i’m usually trying to control whether we get together before needing a plan b can come into play, lol!

    yeah there’s plenty of great stuff to do at home:) i love being at home. and i won’t feel left in the dust if he can’t make it because it’s not like i could get together with anyone or go anywhere in this storm, so i wouldn’t have closed off my social calendar waiting for him.

    this is great practice for going with the flow, because the stakes are easier this time with the storm being how it is. i feel excited to practice! haha i kinda hope something goes awry now. but that’s silly to hope for. nothing ever goes totally as planned;)



  288.  #289Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 8:26 am

    I have a really cool friendship with my cousin, who I will call Handsome Hunk! We just talked on the phone for about an hour. He was describing a past relationship, and I love how he worded it:

    “We were like water and oil! The water was like a flood and the oil was on fire!”

    Something like that. He is a good one to practice lean back skills with, because there is no risk to me whatsoever. He is married and he’s my cousin. So I can just enjoy our pure friendship!

    We had a cool conversation about our Blackfoot ancestors! A couple of squaws got mixed in with a couple of French commanders in Quebec! Here I am, a few generations later, LOL! He said how all of us have Native American tendencies bred into us: large boned, being close to nature, good survivors, not good handling alcohol. Interesting.



  289.  #290Mochaberri on February 3, 2012 at 8:26 am

    Morning Sirens! I gotta say that I have a difficult time going to the flow – it triggers me when I hear a man suggest to me that I need to go with the flow. I thnk it’s something that signifies a loss of control on my part and I know I have to heal that.



  290.  #291T-Girl on February 3, 2012 at 8:31 am

    284 Camille – I am a Diet Coke addict as well. I have tried to give it up on 3 different occassions and have not been successful. I know it is bad for my body and I have also read it hinders weight loss so I may join you.

    My problem is finding alternatives that satisfy my craving when I want a diet coke. I tried Crystal Light but that didn’t seem to do it.



  291.  #292Lili 41 on February 3, 2012 at 8:32 am

    249:

    Hi Sondra,

    I have suffered tremendously with being frozen and shut down.
    I had a conversation with a cd last night that may help you:
    I told him how I feel frozen and shut down, how that keeps men out of my heart and they up feeling me as cold.
    He asked me “How do you get over that? Especially when it’s who you are, and you’re supposed to accept yourself for who you are.”
    I said “Exactly, I’m doing it now. I am telling you who I truly am authentically right now and am sharing my true authentic feelings. I am expressing my true self, and by sharing that I am opening up.”
    He said “See, you can do it. You’re doing it. You can be open and inviting, you just invited me into your intimacy. Your fear of intimacy is looking pretty small now.”
    OK, this is from a guy who’s done extensive therapy.
    But anywho, it’s practice and he gets me.
    I may still be afraid, but now I will be able to recognize it and call it out.
    I will be able to share that true feeling to open up and let a man in my heart.

    That to me is what a real relationship looks like.
    It’s not just about “I love you, I love you, I love you.”
    It’s about being real and being loved for being real. That’s the deep kinda love.

    It’s been tough and long for me to even just get to what I feel, but Rori’s CDs and book are a tremendous help and guide.



  292.  #293Starla on February 3, 2012 at 8:33 am

    283 yeah, and i get thinking “if he wanted to x, he would,” and believe it means something about how much he desires me. sometimes it’s a matter of he doesn’t want to go to bed late or he doesn’t want to drive in a blizzard, as much as he enjoys seeing me.

    this is why going with the flow and taking no for an answer is important. no man wants to feel like exercising his own simple free will on simple matters means he won’t be able to make her happy because she believes it is a reflection of his lack of love for her. what a stifling and disrespected position (trap) for him to be in.

    better to just trust my boundaries and go with the flow. taking no for an answer is very healthy once in a while when it’s from a guy who is always trying to say yes to you:)

    and taking no for an answer from a guy is also the best damage control you can do when you’ve leaned forward:):)



  293.  #294Camille on February 3, 2012 at 8:36 am

    aarggh T-Girl I totally understand I have tried stopping on numerous occasions also, I just really have a feeling that I need to stop now.

    I too have found nothing that satifies me like a diet coke. (Maybe its in my head!)

    today I have had a cup of coffe and am now drinking water. the water does feel refreshing and Im trying to remind myself how cleansing and wonderful it is to put purity into my body. Not toxins.

    T-Girl,,,, I drink 3 to 4 (44oz) fountains a day

    Not to mention the money I could save!

    Thats another benefit!



  294.  #295Starla on February 3, 2012 at 8:36 am

    Mochaberri, if a man told me i needed to go with the flow, i would feel like punching him.



  295.  #296Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 8:41 am

    Mochaberri,

    RE: #287 – Me too! Here are some activities I try to be conscious of letting go of control:

    Fun water rides at amusement parks

    Writing a letter to someone about a conflict, where I am not really too concerned about the outcome, so I can practice being free and using feeling messages.

    Being a passenger in someone else’s car, letting them control the radio and temperature and driving.



  296.  #297Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 8:43 am

    Starla,

    RE: #290 – “and taking no for an answer from a guy is also the best damage control you can do when you’ve leaned forward:):)”

    Ouch! I know you’re right, but way easier said than done! LOL! 🙂



  297.  #298Starla on February 3, 2012 at 8:44 am

    About drinking water, this might sound crazy, but I actually buy fancy bottled water in the biggest jugs they offer. I get Fiji and Evamor water. Evamore is alkalizing, which can be very balancing for a lot of women. There’s something about Dr. Oz on the Evamor label…guess he likes the water, SLV:)

    the buying the fancy water specific for drinking make me feel special, and is a bit more involved than just going to the tap, like how you BUY soda from the machine or the store first. and Fiji and Evamor water tastes amazingly good and pure…you just might like it more than soda.

    And in America, the tap water isn’t so great for you. Fluoride freaks me out big time.



  298.  #299Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 8:49 am

    Mochaberri I don’t like it when guys say go with the flow to me either. I take it as their way of saying slow down and enjoy the FWB that you are being offered. However, now that I have started practicing cdating I don’t mind when they say go with the flow. I just take it to mean that they won’t have any problem with hearing that I am cdating.



  299.  #300Camille on February 3, 2012 at 8:50 am

    Thats a great perspective Starla Thanks!



  300.  #301Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 8:52 am

    Starla,

    RE: #295 – “And in America, the tap water isn’t so great for you. Fluoride freaks me out big time.”

    Me too, along with them turning sewer water into so-called “drinking water”. WTF?!?! Are they insane?



  301.  #302Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 8:54 am

    FW, Mochaberri, and Starla,

    RE: #295 – My first boyfriend told me, “Take it slow.”

    A guy I knew from work, who never took it past the first date, told me, “You can’t make anything happen.”

    And you all know my embarrassing history with Ryan, LOL!

    Yeah, Brenda has come a long way…and still in process. I love me and accept me exactly the way I am.



  302.  #303siren song on February 3, 2012 at 8:58 am

    i am the chocolate cheesecake!



  303.  #304Mel on February 3, 2012 at 9:09 am

    Oops!

    It’s funny… sometimes “going with the flow” causes me to lean forward. Mr. A and I were emailing about dinner tonight and he was saying that he’d love some of my spicy Mexican cooking… and I said Oh yeah! I could totally make “X” It’s my favorite! And then I rattled on and on about it and how awesome it was and that I’d have to marinade the pork overnight… and then before I knew it, I had inadvertently invited myself to dinner tomorrow night…

    Eeek!

    So I sent him some FMs:

    I feel kinda silly and socially retarded… I think I may have inadvertently invited myself to dinner at your place tomorrow… I felt excited about cooking and got a little carried away… but I feel sort of demanding and presumptuous now. Oh dear! I don’t want to invite myself… nope, nope. I don’t like that. Oh Mel… you are sometimes silly! (But I love her anyway! )”

    And he wrote back:

    “Hey crazy!!! I would like to invite you to dinner tomorrow…and you are actually invited whenever you are available. ;)”

    Phew! FMs are definitely good damage control!



  304.  #305Starla on February 3, 2012 at 9:21 am

    aw mel, that’s nice that he has your back like that:):)

    i find myself in that position all the time — leaning forward or rowing the boat suddenly because i feel passionate or excited about something that’s come up…

    i wonder if any damage control or even feeling weird is really necessary for us.

    i guess if we start to feel weird then yeah we should honor our feelings, yeah

    but what if we just didn’t feel weird?

    is this us feeling comfortable and confident enough to be rockstars in our relationships?

    could this be a good thing?

    what do you think????

    BTW, Mel, I don’t think you needed to feel weird at all, and neither did A, and he sooo had your back:)



  305.  #306Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 9:21 am

    I love it Mel



  306.  #307Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 9:23 am

    Starla “leaning forward or rowing the boat suddenly because i feel passionate or excited about something that’s come up”.

    I understand that you can do this when you are sharing about your passions, your life such as vacations or a success story on the job etc.



  307.  #308Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 9:25 am

    It felt so awesome to have made that sale with that customer.

    I felt so excited it felt like I was going to fall off a cliff.

    I believe these were the examples Rori used in Reconnect to illustrate how we can lean forward.



  308.  #309Starla on February 3, 2012 at 9:32 am

    what if i’m just genuinely in my passion and excitement? i feel like i short change us both when i second guess myself and fret over my boy and girl energy. my vibe plummets. i go from feeling big and fulfilled and happy and like life is interesting and fun to share with other people, to afraid that doing so is going to push the man away. What a vibe killer.

    I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I want to be myself and trust myself not to lean forward for the wrong reasons, and trust myself to check in here with you ladies on the blog if i feel shaky about something (thank you!).

    It would feel better to imagine that I am on a boat with a man, and he is rowing, and every once in a while i get so overcome with passion by some of the things we row past that I want to go closer and experience and see them! and he says “as you wish, madame,” and rows us over to where i would like to go. He’s still rowing the boat.

    Ahhh this feels freer and less scary.



  309.  #310Starla on February 3, 2012 at 9:37 am

    i think i just went into moderation for the word plu mmets….



  310.  #311Starla on February 3, 2012 at 9:41 am

    this went into moderation, sorry

    what if i’m just genuinely in my passion and excitement? i feel like i short change us both when i second guess myself and fret over my boy and girl energy. my vibe plu.mmets. i go from feeling big and fulfilled and happy and like life is interesting and fun to share with other people, to afraid that doing so is going to push the man away. What a vibe killer.

    I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I want to be myself and trust myself not to lean forward for the wrong reasons, and trust myself to check in here with you ladies on the blog if i feel shaky about something (thank you!).

    It would feel better to imagine that I am on a boat with a man, and he is rowing, and every once in a while i get so overcome with passion by some of the things we row past that I want to go closer and experience and see them! and he says “as you wish, madame,” and rows us over to where i would like to go. He’s still rowing the boat.

    Ahhh this feels freer and less scary.



  311.  #312Mel on February 3, 2012 at 9:43 am

    “as you wish, madame,” and rows us over to where i would like to go. He’s still rowing the boat.

    I LURVE this Starla!!!



  312.  #313Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 9:57 am

    Starla,

    RE: #307 – I like that a lot!



  313.  #314Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 10:00 am

    Out of control emotions = Turn-off to men

    In control emotions = Turn-on to men



  314.  #315Camille on February 3, 2012 at 10:00 am

    Brenda,
    Dont think of your history with Ryan as “embarrassing”. I know how that feels. but now I see it all as great learning moments and lessons that made me more self aware when I gained the courage to look into myself.



  315.  #316Starla on February 3, 2012 at 10:02 am

    Awwww I feel really good thinking about it that way. I want to be with a man who is supportive of me and wants to see me happy…he doesn’t always get excited about my passions, but he gets excited enough about seeing me enjoy my passions that he steers us there as I wish. i feel safe and taken care of just thinking about it. it’s actually super masculine, and if i can relax into it, this would feel like heaven on earth for me. I have a guy in front of me who has given me lots of opportunity to relax and be myself and let him help me get closer to my passions and enjoyment, but i second guessed myself every time, fearing it would push him away.

    ohhh my, Starla.

    This is what Laughing Goddess referred to as “Bliss Blocking,” I think!!!



  316.  #317Camille on February 3, 2012 at 10:03 am

    eh sorry that sounded like an order. I was just trying to give a “feel better” perspective that has worked for me?



  317.  #318Starla on February 3, 2012 at 10:03 am

    Oh I feel just teary eyed seeing I don’t have to be afraid!

    And I’m procrastinating. Be back in an hour



  318.  #319Camille on February 3, 2012 at 10:21 am

    Brenda #314 SO TRUE,
    I have actually witnessed that miracle the last two weeks…..



  319.  #320Mochaberri on February 3, 2012 at 10:30 am

    @ Starla #295 – Yes I feel the same way like I want to punch him too!!!



  320.  #321Mochaberri on February 3, 2012 at 10:31 am

    @ Brenda #296 – thanks for the suggestions!!!!!!!!



  321.  #322Iamabutterfly on February 3, 2012 at 10:32 am

    Starla, I do the same exact things. Just feel good and don’t worry so much! 🙂



  322.  #323Mochaberri on February 3, 2012 at 10:38 am

    @ FW #299 – I agree and I feel it also suggests in line of your FWB statement “be happy I’m giving you the time of day so enjoy what you have with me”

    Yes cding eliminates the frustration and anxiety it still rubs me the wrong way to hear a man say it. And kudos to you for sharing that you are cding with them! If I’m correct Rori suggests that a woman does not have to reveal anything about other dates to a man.
    Hmmmmmm here’s a thought…….if these men who say go with the flow obviously senses that the woman is pushing for something more to even say that; should we evaluate ourselves to not give that vibe?



  323.  #324Mochaberri on February 3, 2012 at 10:42 am

    @ Brensa #302 – Call me crazy but I feel that a man saying take it slow is a little different than go with the flow – this may be my overthinking things.

    The guy’s comment from work is very interesting – did he elaborate more about what he meant?? I feel intrigued to know more



  324.  #325mali on February 3, 2012 at 10:43 am

    @ 243- Iamabuterfly

    Thankyou my darling… I love writing them! <3



  325.  #326Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 11:02 am

    Mochaberri,

    Re: #324- I was clueless in the past as to how committed relationships form. I feel to embarrassed to say how much I was forcing things. It was uncharted territory for me.



  326.  #327Goodheart on February 3, 2012 at 11:08 am

    Lk said, “there is no way to happiness, happiness IS the way” – I so love this.

    My only job is to be happy.

    And then happiness finds me. And then I’m happier.

    And then more happiness finds me.

    I feel lots of happiness flowing from the blog today 🙂



  327.  #328Laughing Goddess on February 3, 2012 at 11:09 am

    Hi sirens! It’s been an intense couple of days for me. I had a disagreement with sweetie. Thank you to the special siren who helped me to flow through that with grace and ease!

    I feel happy to say that all is well and maybe even better between us.

    I’ve also been dealing with a case of the flu and then yesterday my eye got all irritated and red and I could hardly see out of it.

    So weird.

    But today is a new day and I am feeling much better.



  328.  #329Starla on February 3, 2012 at 11:10 am

    Team Stop Procrastinating
    I finished the bulk of what I needed to do today.

    Team Eat Something Already
    Had old fashioned oatmeal with raw honey, hemp seeds, and blueberries thrown in for breakfast. Was actually soooo good. I wish I could always be at home cooking for myself:)

    Now I am going to make some more breakfast for lunch. eggs and chicken/apple breakfast sausage and an arugula salad:):)



  329.  #330Laughing Goddess on February 3, 2012 at 11:13 am

    Oh my goodness Starla! Both of your breakfasts sound delicious!



  330.  #331Camille on February 3, 2012 at 11:14 am

    Good to hear Laughing Goddess!

    Good heart I love that too…..Wayne Dyer????

    Starla that sounds delicious wish I was the friend you were inviting over for lunch lol



  331.  #332Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 11:17 am

    Starla hemp seeds are available for purchase as seeds? I feel so silly asking that question – telling myself that you should know.



  332.  #333Laughing Goddess on February 3, 2012 at 11:18 am

    Thanks Camille!

    I feel happy to hear that your situation is evolving nicely. I felt especially touched that he was researching fear of intimacy. I feel so attracted when guys want to grow and learn about themselves. yum!



  333.  #334Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 11:19 am

    That is what I believe Mochaberri. There is always a message there and I want to always be learning about myself.



  334.  #335emmanuelle on February 3, 2012 at 11:21 am

    Dear Brenda,

    Thank you for your compassion and willingness to feel my pain. I really appreciate it. I am not sure I am ready to let go of him yet but I will keep it in mind. The script you have written for me sounds really genuine and heartfelt and loving. I have saved it in case I need to use it later.

    Yes, I do not want to relegate myself to a sexless rest of my life, but at the same time, he is so wonderful and loving with me and really leaves me no reason to complain otherwise. He is also the first and only person I have ever been sexually involved with, and I was very careful when I picked him, so I have trouble with this idea of being sexually free for awhile.

    I miss the passion that comes with a romantic relationship but I have so much of the planning, assurance, loving, etc. that comes with it. Gosh, this is so hard….

    In any case, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the empathy. I am so sorry to hear of your own painful experiences. Mine is really not that painful–it is nothing compared to what you have been through. I am just a little frustrated at times, that’s all. I am treated like a princess most days. 🙂

    It’s funny. He said so rather randomly today: “why am I subject to the whims of my little diva?” and then kissed my hands like I was a princess.

    Dear Starla,

    You are so wise. Your advice makes so much sense. I hate to think that your wonderful soul has been through a lot of suffering in order to arrive at such wisdom. I’m just going to hope it isn’t so. 🙂

    I need to: (a) stop overfunctioning and start focusing on my own happiness so that the pressure lifts from him (he’s said exactly that); and (b) be all soft and welcoming and invite him to confide in me.

    Gosh, you sound wonderful yourself, and I am sending you so much warmth. I hope your conversation goes well tonight. I am here to talk if you need me.

    Dear Daria,

    Point well taken. Thank you for that. You are right. I need to stop pulling him out. Just focus on myself, make sure I am happy, and let the relationship heal.

    Thank you.

    XO to All.



  335.  #336Goodheart on February 3, 2012 at 11:24 am

    Camille, I’m not sure the origin of it, but I do know LOA emphasizes that being happy magically creates more happy 🙂

    I’ve been following your story & you sound amazing – so much healing & self-discovery in such a short time is inspiring.

    We can become true sirens overnight~



  336.  #337Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 11:26 am

    A guy from the dating site who I have wanted to contact me again just did. He mentioned last night in email that “a good woman is hard to find lol”. Contacted me again today asking for my number – he called immediately, I was so surprised. The biggest surprise is that we share the same religion and this is one of the things that is very important to me and has prevented me from going out of my “neighbourhood” as Rori puts it. He is two years younger but have a beautiful smile. I felt my heart making backflips when I hung up the phone. Can you believe this I am up to my 10th CD now. I am feeling so excited. He wants to send me more pictures and responded well to my “I feel old fashioned” when he suggested that I call him. I got a lot of opportunities to practice fms on him and he responded well to all of them.



  337.  #338Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 11:28 am

    I am a believer that they get better. One of the things he said is I don’t argue.



  338.  #339Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 11:31 am

    Emmanuelle one of the things I got from your first post was that your man might be feeling inadequate. I agree with Starla because in Reconnect Rori suggests that he might have lost attraction because of you helping him to lose weight etc. It is best to validate his ability but leave him to figure out how to help himself. I sense he must be feeling really emasculated. Your story really pulled at my heart strings and practically paralyzed my thinking in how to respond to you. I would really pull back if I were you but just keep validating and appreciating him.



  339.  #340Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 11:32 am

    Camille,

    Re:315- Thanks for that. Yes, at ones “remodeling” is rather messy.



  340.  #341turquoise on February 3, 2012 at 11:32 am

    Ok, so college guy cancelled our date tonight and I feel soooo relieved. I feel he’s still in party mode, and that is just not me. I didn’t wnat to feel stressed or uncomfortable, so glad he weeded himself out. I didn’t even reply back to his text…. he gave some excuse about having to help his friend who just had hip replacement surgery, so after work he has to take her to her physical therapy. Um ok…. at 9PM on a Friday night? lol. Whatever dude!!!

    So, going out with my sister and her boyfriend. He loves karaoke, so we are going to do that. Maybe see what some other friends are up to…. really want to go out and just have fun. No thinking about my ex, or cd’s I don’t want to be on…. will dress myself up, make eye contact with any hotties at the bar… and have fun with my sis! Actually feeling excited now about going out.

    WHEW!!!!



  341.  #342Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 11:34 am

    What’s the best part about boys?



  342.  #343Starla on February 3, 2012 at 11:48 am

    FW, yes, I wish I could tell you where to get the seeds or a brand I recommend, but I got these as a gift from the owners of Hemp I Scream (sooo good if you can find it where you live, hemp milk based ice cream:):) no dairy) so it’s just a big unmarked bag of hemp seeds. =/



  343.  #344turquoise on February 3, 2012 at 11:50 am

    “Maybe just take myself in hand and go to the Y like I had planned, and spend an afternoon there. I feel fascinated with the blog. I like to hang out here. But then I end up thinking about Ryan the whole time.”

    Brenda, I agree. It’s really hard to lean back when I’m thinking about him all the time from talking about him here, comparing my situation to others… reading articles and advice that I can adapt to my life.

    Time to get off the computer, shift my focus onto LIVING, and see what happens. I’m not going anywhere long term, just not going to feel obsessed with reading every post here, and not missing out. Also, a lot of advice given here… isn’t taken. (not that it needs to be or am I complaining) but I realize I expend a lot of energy trying to help, fix, persuade, others… that I really should be focusing some of that on myself. I’m not going to lose weight posting on the blog. But going for a walk, or playing outside with my kids, or cleaning my house, or using the treadmill… all will help me reach my weight loss goal.

    So, I’m stepping back a little, just a little… to stop procrastinating, and DO and LIVE and PLAY, LOVE, and BE in my own life. I feel really good about that.

    But I love you all and will be back often, almost daily I am sure. I’ll let you know how my DO, LIVE, PLAY, LOVE, BE….. is going!!!

    Whoo hoo….loving me right now!



  344.  #345Laughing Goddess on February 3, 2012 at 11:51 am

    About hemp seeds, I know you can order them online. Some states might have different laws about them though.

    I love hemp seeds, hemp oil, and hemp milk. I love the way they taste and make me feel.



  345.  #346Laughing Goddess on February 3, 2012 at 11:52 am

    This is a reputable brand of hemp seeds

    http://www.manitobaharvest.com/



  346.  #347Laughing Goddess on February 3, 2012 at 11:54 am

    Another really good brand

    http://www.navitasnaturals.com/products/hemp.html

    I used to work with this company and can attest to the quality of their products. Yum!



  347.  #348Laughing Goddess on February 3, 2012 at 11:56 am

    Turquoise!

    Hope you have loads of fun tonight!



  348.  #349turquoise on February 3, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    Thanks LG!!! 🙂



  349.  #350Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    Turquoise,

    RE: #344 – Go for it!

    For me, it’s not so much that I don’t take advice. I gather it and then decide what is best for me. And change is a process. And change takes time. Habits are powerful and take time to break and replace.

    So you are joining Team Live Already?! 🙂



  350.  #351Starla on February 3, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    turquoise, you sound really good:)



  351.  #352Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    The best thing about boys is tender hearts!



  352.  #353Starla on February 3, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    Oh gosh, going with the flow is hard. I’m so glad I’m putting a lot of consideration and practice into it and not just mindlessly reacting to my experience in habit-fashion for the rest of my adult life.



  353.  #354tenny on February 3, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    Femininewoman

    #337

    Wow! 10 CDs! how cool!!



  354.  #355T-Girl on February 3, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    Brenda – I think the best thing about boys is deep down they really DO want to make us happy.



  355.  #356T-Girl on February 3, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    Yay FW about 10 CD’s and the new prospect! So many good things happening today.



  356.  #357T-Girl on February 3, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    I need to join Team Stop Procrastinating too. I really need to get my house clean and laundry done. I hope everyone has a great weekend!



  357.  #358emmanuelle on February 3, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    Thank you, femininewoman. It’s not so bad. I really have a lot to be thankful for. 🙂 Thank you for your empathy though. I just feel sad sometimes that our story could have been such a fairytale-like one, but because of this stupid hair loss drug, we are kept from enjoying one important aspect of life.



  358.  #359Susan on February 3, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    Mel,

    I answered something you wrote on the previous thread. My answer is on 1546.

    I just wanted to add that for the few times Sweet Man has called me his friend, I have immediately looked him right in the eye and said: “I have ZERO interest in being your friend. If that is what I am to you, tell me now and I will begin accepting invitations from other men.” That is all I said. And it had the desired effect. But if he had stuck with the term friend, I would have followed through.



  359.  #360Senior Lady Vibe on February 3, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    Hello world, I’m thankful for all today. I’m not caught up on the blog or the previous thread either.

    But… thanks to Brenda, Dominique, FC, FW, lk, Shar lean, and everyone else I’m looking forward to cheesecake, chocolate, flax seeds, hemp seeds and the good water. That hemp oil sounds amazing… I must get some.

    Special thanks too for the info on hemp oil and B-vites! I’m pumped and stoked!
    😀

    I have lots to check out for next week. Saturday and Sunday are verrrry busy….

    SLV
    xoxo



  360.  #361Senior Lady Vibe on February 3, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    Thanks Starla for the Dr. Oz blurb water I’ll check that…



  361.  #362Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    emannuelle do you mind elaborating about the drug? Someone here might have some insight that you could look into some alternatives.



  362.  #363Sondra on February 3, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    Thanks for the awesome responses, Sirens!

    I texted my guy about this today:

    Me: “I keep thinking about last night when you were telling me how much u want me, need me, want to please me . . . and I got all still and silent . . . Wondering why I do that? Stone cold fear, I think . . . Lol. I do love u – don’t give up on me – I am letting u in my heart, even when I go still and quiet . . . I promise!

    Him: “Thanks for telling me that! I needed to hear it. Sometimes I wonder. I love u!”

    Some chit-chat between us over an hour or so and then . . .

    Him: “When u speak to me of your fear do you mean scared of what you might do, or me?”

    Me: “ I’m not really afraid of either of us doing anything. Just afraid to completely let anyone into my heart . . . I’ve been protecting it for a very long time. Old habits… I just have to get used to how much u express ur feelings. I want your love – I just need time to learn how to accept it gracefully!”

    Him: “I too am afraid and have protected myself and still do, but I have found myself more giving with you for some reason. I can be less expressive if it makes you feel uncomfortable. I won’t mind. I want you relaxed and comfortable to be yourself. I don’t blame you for protecting yourself.”

    Me: “I want you to feel comfortable to say anything to me. I do start to feel overwhelmed sometimes. U b U and I’ll b me and we will b fine – lol! U make me happy!”

    Him: “Just define overwhelmed and I will leave it alone”

    Me: “Like I am taking in so much emotion that I can’t even think of how to respond. My heart is filled with hope and love for u and my brain freaks out and refuses to let me speak . . . “

    Him: “AWWWW!!! I just got all warm and fuzzy! He he – Thank You!

    Me: “Mmmmmm…….. I Love U”

    Him: “SONDRA!!! I LOVE U”

    Me: “WOW!!!”

    Whew – disaster averted! I am NOT going to run this man off! He has his son this weekend and I am going to focus on me and practice intimate thoughts and see if I can’t coax myself into chilling the hell out!

    Anyway – thank you all for the advice and the link to Rori’s past post – I am trying to pay attention and learn so that my boy energy will settle down and let my feminine self have a chance for happiness for a change!



  363.  #364emmanuelle on February 3, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    Hi femininewoman,

    He took a hairloss drug that completely killed his libido for two years now. It is called Propecia/Finesteride. If you google it, you’ll find horror stories of side effects that have plagued the men who took it.



  364.  #365FlowerChild77 on February 3, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    A question about hemp seeds and hemp oil….if you consume these things as a regular part of your diet would this show up as a ‘positive’ on a drug screen for marijuana? I’m thinking probably not, because the thc is in the leaves/buds of the plant, but just curious…



  365.  #366Rachel R on February 3, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    Hello Sirens… (excuse my spelling I’m french)

    Third time posting on this blog…read it all the time…changed me inside out..but not completely yet…lol

    I let myself slip into passion (sex) on a forth date with a men this week..;( I guess I can say it felt right at the moment..( I adnt ad sex in mOOOnths…plus this verrrry masculine man was being xtraaa nice to me..)
    So when I was laying in is warm arms I just melted and didnt listen to my head…(or my conscience maybe ?..mmmm? )

    Now part of me feels all scared and insecure about being ”easy” and not valuing myself highly ennof snif…
    Another part just feels light and like wathever…if he judges me then to bad for him…
    He is really yummy tho…I would feel so sad to lose is respect or all the type off attention I know he is capable off…

    He still called me twice since and wanths to c me this weekend…yeee

    Now I would looove and b grateful for advice on how to go about this with dignity and self respect…I feel I should assume my choice but still go real slow for next time…like make him work if he wanths more…

    And if Dominique is around ( Tinque) or someone else. I was wondering how to translate ” This feels good” or ”It would feel nice to c you, or do that” in french

    All I got is ” Ca fait du bien ” witch I dont really like saying..lol and ”c’est bon” ou Ca serais bon de te voir ? I guess I can use the ”j’aimerais te voir ou j’aime ca ou j’adorerais aller au cinema ??

    MEEErci beaucoup xxxxx



  366.  #367Femininewoman on February 3, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    Rachel R I would encourage you to go on a date in a public place if he wants to see you and at the end of the date say goodnite. I would not get into the habit of sleeping with him everytime we meet.



  367.  #368Rachel R on February 3, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    @ flower child..I dont know about hemp seed but poppy seed on a muffin will get you a positive urine test for opiates…lol..so who knows wath hemps seeds can do..;)



  368.  #369Turquoise on February 3, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    Brenda!!! Great idea!!!

    “There’s no place like it in the world! I wish we had a real island to which we could go to vacation!”

    Rori…. any chance you’d plan/offer a seminar on a cruise ship or some exotic location? If it wasn’t for a year, I’d start saving now!!!!

    It would be amazing to meet other sirens, hear success stories, and bask in some sun and sand in an exotic locale!!!! I’m dreaming about it already!



  369.  #370Lizka on February 3, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    I had a sh*tty disgusting day. Very stressful and a lot of bad things going on.

    But now I feel soooo excited!!

    I was chatting with DjCD (who’s more a friend than a CD fyi) and I told him I was feeling anxious about my weekend (we already talked about my friends problen because he knows them already). Sp he immediately invited me to his place for a drink. I didn’t saw the message on facebook right away because I was working and he called me after only 1 minute. And he’s so cute, he said he had my favorite food and will be feeding me.

    I thibk he’s more a friend than. potential husband but I feel a strong conmexion between us. Maybe a friend connexion.dunno… Still feels exciting!!



  370.  #371Rachel R on February 3, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    …thank you femininewoman, wath you said feels good and right… Do you feel there is still hope for a commited relashionship ?? can I still keep a degree of difficulty ?

    xx



  371.  #372Dominique on February 3, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    Femininewoman – #365 Not completely sure about this, but almost so, and the answer would be no. Remember though that poppy seeds ingestion will show up as a false positive, so….

    xxoo



  372.  #373Starla on February 3, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    365 flowerchild, hypothetically if you gorged on hemp products for a long time, there might be traceable amounts detected. I really wouldn’t worry about it, but this might interest you: http://www.testpledge.com/



  373.  #374Rachel R on February 3, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    yesss… 🙂 a simenar on an island for mondern sirens to meet and bathe in the sun… sounds heavenly…



  374.  #375Starla on February 3, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    you would have to eat a lot of hemp products and wash with hemp products, etc., but you can find “certified” products to be extra safe if it worries you



  375.  #376Dominique on February 3, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    Rachel – If having sex with this man felt good to you and felt right in the moment, then there is absolutely nothing to feel badly about. Who cares what he or anyone else thinks. It’s not our business to try to be in a man’s head.

    Les phrases que tu as choisit en français sont bien. Essayes – je me sens complètment ravie ou je me sens fondue ici (en motrant ton coeur peut-être) ou je me sens tellement heureuse.

    Au debut c’est un peu bizarre mais c’est aussi bizarre en anglais. Ces jours ci je me sens plus comfortable quand je dis je me sens en français. En anglais c’est plus difficile. Aucune idée pourquoi.

    xxoo



  376.  #377Rachel R on February 3, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    @Dominique ( Tinque) or someone else. I was wondering how to translate ” This feels good” or ”It would feel nice to c you, or do that” in french

    All I got is ” Ca fait du bien ” witch I dont really like saying..lol and ”c’est bon” ou Ca serais bon de te voir ? I guess I can use the ”j’aimerais te voir ou j’aime ca ou j’adorerais aller au cinema ??

    MEEErci beaucoup xxxxx



  377.  #378Turquoise on February 3, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    Rachel, I slept with my husband 2 weeks after we started dating, but I’d met him about a month before that… and it didn’t do any damage in deterring him wanting to be with me. He took me to meet his family, we were together all the time….. it was amazing, and we were young, in college. I believe that when the right man shows up, and the connection is there… doing what feels good and right, is important. We dated for 2.5 years before getting engaged, were married a year later, and were married for 11 years.

    I know people who slept with their husbands on the first date….

    This is amazing, fantastic advice, but it’s not guaranteed. I know women who lean forward like crazy, dominate relationships, are exclusive right away, and make a lot of the “mistakes” stated here… and they are in committed, happy relationships and marriage. What I don’t see in them is being obsessed or overly focused on the guy. They have lives of their own, high self esteem… he is important, but not more important than they are to themselves.



  378.  #379Rachel R on February 3, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    A oui…merci…tu venais juste de répondre a mon message…moi je trouve l’anglais plus facile…mmm le français c’est plus intime pour moi …ca me fais plus peur car c’est ma première langue…je sent que je peux me cacher un peu derrière l’anglais , ….j,aime beaucoup les exemple que tu a donner je vais les pratiquer…

    et puis je me sent complètement ravie en lisant ceci :… ”If having sex with this man felt good to you and felt right in the moment, then there is absolutely nothing to feel badly about. Who cares what he or anyone else thinks. It’s not our business to try to be in a man’s head.”

    Je me sent heureuse du support que ceci m’apporte et je te sent belle et généreuse xxxox



  379.  #380Turquoise on February 3, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    Thanks Starla, you sound amazing and are very inspiring to me!!! I feel very drawn to your energy! I hope you and CF get to enjoy your snowbound evening!

    Lizka./… yeah for surprise men who feed you! Have a blast!!!!



  380.  #381Starla on February 3, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    YESSSSS go me!!

    CF called to cancel our date tomorrow…he seemed really defensive and explained about the snow storm. i put on my sweet smile aand said “ohhh” when he was telling me his tales of snow and driving, and told him thanks for calling and i understood. he seemed so relieved that i went with the flow. he really doesn’t like letting me down.

    and then he proposed we reschedule for tomorrow night:) and i said that would feel nice:)

    i feel so proud of myself.

    i did feel triggered but i did really good!!!!

    And now I have all night to study, relax, cook…life is good:)



  381.  #382Turquoise on February 3, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    FW….10 CD’s!! WOW!!!



  382.  #383Turquoise on February 3, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    Today a guy on POF wrote to me.

    Him: You seem nice.

    Me: I am 🙂

    Him: Well then dark eyes, let’s get together

    Me: Hmmm…. might feel good to get to know you a bit first. Tell me about yourself 🙂

    Him: Well what do you need to know cause I’m not writing a book.

    Me: Hmmmm… well that doesn’t feel very friendly. Think that might have been enough.

    Him: Take care.

    Sheesh…. if it’s too much effort for a man to tell me a few sentences about yourself, since they often have a pretty sparse profile…. then sorry about your luck, but I want a man who will make me feel good, not bad for asking for what I want/need. Next!!!



  383.  #384Rachel R on February 3, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    @ Dominique, oups..379 was a respond to 376

    @ turquoise thank you….And :

    ” What I don’t see in them is being obsessed or overly focused on the guy. They have lives of their own, high self esteem… he is important, but not more important than they are to themselves.

    yes !….I feel this is key, this ”rasonates” well with me…
    it feels good and reinforces wath I felt..yes, just keep the focus on me…and I do have a life of my own and good ennof self esteem now with all the sirens tools also helping me…Haaa I feel like exheling deeply…I’m breathing better and I feel light…
    bless all of you xx



  384.  #385Starla on February 3, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    lol turquoise, thanks for the laugh 🙂



  385.  #386Rachel R on February 3, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    @383 ya ..berk..this guy doesnt sound very nice…f?%$
    him..lol



  386.  #387Aurora Girl on February 3, 2012 at 3:14 pm

    Rachel….

    I agree with Dominique that where sex is concerned, as long as you have your own ground rules in place soon enough…..(protection, matches your style, he’s reciprocating, etc.) and you watch that it doesn’t necessarily mean “relationship” early on…and you enjoy it and feel comfortable then it’s about moving with your body and what feels right and good….

    I too am hesitant to let my head calendar it in too much…..

    the fellow I have been dating now for 5 months….we hit it off immediately there was so much chemistry….and there still is…but he is so gentle and kind and we communicate about…even though it also happened quickly with him I have never felt so safe with a man in my life as I do with him…I feel no regrets whatsoever……

    I hope this moves along comfortably for you and wish you good things in this connection

    xo

    Aurora



  387.  #388Goodheart on February 3, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    In honor of Go-With-the-Flowbuary I decided to slow down. I started with my walk. I tend to want to get “there” (wherever that may be) as fast as possible. Today I consciously slowed my steps & felt the breeze in my hair. The air on my skin. I heard the sound of leaves scurrying across the ground.

    And when I was driving I stayed in the slow lane. I want to send the signal to myself to be calm & slow. And at one point I inadvertently found myself in the fast lane (not even aware that I did it), but after less than a mile there was a roadblock in that lane that forced me to go back into the slow lane – haha! I love the gentle nudges I get from the universe when I’m on the right track 🙂



  388.  #389Aurora Girl on February 3, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    T
    nice rebound!!

    xo



  389.  #390Aurora Girl on February 3, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    388 Goodheart

    “I love the gentle nudges I get from the universe when I’m on the right track :-)”

    lol I love the gentle nudges the universe sends too…

    Today I went to a local department store to get my passport pic taken for a renewal…there was a wait…I didn’t feel like waiting…. she said 10 minutes…I figured…I could do that….and then it donned on me…..I was there the week before and bought a beautiful purse…..I paid full price tho…..so I sauntered over the baggage area and lo and behold it was now 25% off….and I had the receipt with me…..lol cashed in enough money to pay for the passport photos and grab a good cup of coffee too….!!

    I love that Sirens and the Universe work so well together!!!

    xo



  390.  #391Turquoise on February 3, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    Nice AG~! 🙂 I love when that happens. I am off to meet my sister… and have a fun evening. I”ll check in later tonight or tomorrow. Happy Friday everyone!



  391.  #392FlowerChild77 on February 3, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    Thanks ladies, for the hemp oil/seeds information.

    I’ve been having a great “Go WIth the Flowbruary” day! 🙂 Unexpected little things (nudges from the Universe, as goodheart said!)

    I went out to get my mail and have been expecting the bill from the people that plow my driveway and clear the sidewalk (they even do my steps.) They’re always here nice and early (before 5am) and come back after the plow goes through so the driveway isn’t blocked and so the mailman will deliver the mail.

    It’s only snowed five times, so far (crazy for the great lakes area) but I was thinking the bill would be around 50-60 dollars. I opened the envelope and it was only $37.00!! I was SO happy! 🙂

    Then…when I got home from the store and checked my phone/email—I got a nice e-mail from my 86 y/o aunt (the only one left from my father’s side of the family.) Isn’t it amazing that she still lives alone and knows how to use the computer?! She wrote to thank me for the letters and cards I send her and to ask for my phone number so we can talk. Just melted my heart…brought a few happy tears.

    My guy cancelled our date for tonight and I’m fine with it. I was looking forward to going to get a fish fry, but I made some really good tuna salad with white albacore tuna and had a sandwich on whole grain bread with lettuce. Not the same, I know…but better for me! 😉



  392.  #393Jilly on February 3, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    Sondra….I loved that story!!! oh my goodness…wow…that really felt authentic, open, warm, and vulnerable…



  393.  #394Jilly on February 3, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    my friend has been dating a man for a few months now who seems to be falling for her more and more and they slept together on the first date and she worried about it but so far…so good! 🙂

    if it doesn’t work out, it’s not because they slept together too soon….



  394.  #395Rachel R on February 3, 2012 at 3:58 pm

    @ 387: Aurora Girl…

    Feels good to read about your experience…and I loove chemistry…;)
    I feel joy and confidence now with all this support…
    and I feel happy for you that your fellow is ” gentle and kind ”

    I also wish you good things in your connection…

    I am off for some stretching now…lengtening and opening the body…yeeesss.



  395.  #396Jilly on February 3, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    Goodheart…thanks for sharing that..I love that…intentionally getting in the slow lane…brilliant! 🙂

    I too love the little nudges from the universe 🙂

    I have money coming in from 4 different places this week…ooooh….I LOVE that!!

    Today I feel so blessed…like how am I so lucky?? 🙂

    Lilibee (LiLi41) 🙂 thank you for your comment on the last thread..I saw it and felt happy 🙂



  396.  #397Aurora Girl on February 3, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    ladies

    gentle and kind is sooooo important for me…

    I almost thought it wasn’t possible…because I came from an abusive husband who like sadistic sex….ewww yuk (and I’m sorry if that triggers anyone…) it took me a long time to heal that…I felt like a prisoner for many years……and was raising our children…….oh don’t have to go there any more yay!!!!!!!!!!!!

    so yes he’s gentle, kind, attentive, soft, strong……funny, playful……love the sound he makes….love the connection…..oh sirens its so good…..

    why wouldn’t it happen early!!!!! we were both respectful in the beginning and it was mutual…..and I remember saying to him in the midst of it….”oh I could fall in love with you”… and he said after he paused….”oh I know the feeling…

    yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy!!!

    xo



  397.  #398Aurora Girl on February 3, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    ya baby

    one of our Canadian finest……….and he knows how to love a woman………..siren……goddes…!!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BJOfMBJS0A



  398.  #399Jilly on February 3, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    and I just want to report that I did NOT lean forward and text POF guy even thought I really really really wanted to lol…I kept saying..just wait til tomorrow…just wait til tomorrow…

    SEXY cd from last weekend invited me to come to Texas…ummm….I feel flattered 🙂 but prolly won’t..I don’t want a LDR…



  399.  #400Jilly on February 3, 2012 at 4:13 pm

    AG…wow I can’t even imagine….and yay!!! 🙂



  400.  #401LiliBee on February 3, 2012 at 4:20 pm

    Sondra,

    @363 That was beautiful to read.

    That was the conversation I wish I had at the start of my relationship.
    It could have saved me alot of heartache.
    I really admire you for having the courage to say that.
    I look up to you, and look forward to living the same bonding experience.



  401.  #402Aurora Girl on February 3, 2012 at 4:20 pm

    Jilly
    my 5mos is a LDR..(6hr drive) …if I’d had said now I wouldn’t be where I am…

    I kept an open mind…..

    not saying I knew what it would turn into ……..but I am so glad….even that I could have an open mind….after all these years…..

    ……….you just never know

    🙂
    xo



  402.  #403Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 4:27 pm

    Turquoise,

    RE: “Rori…. any chance you’d plan/offer a seminar on a cruise ship or some exotic location?”

    I asked Rori that in the past. She planned the “Love Scripts” seminar and invited all of us Sirens from the blog at no charge. I wished so much I could have gone, but at the time, I simply couldn’t afford to travel.



  403.  #404Aurora Girl on February 3, 2012 at 4:28 pm

    oh yes and our other Canadian siren

    I love her……and listen to her music to keep the siren vibe all the time….

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLolag3YSYU



  404.  #405Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 4:33 pm

    T-Girl,

    RE: #355 – “Brenda – I think the best thing about boys is deep down they really DO want to make us happy.”

    Yeah!



  405.  #406Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    Where can I go with my love for Ryan? It is so powerful. I feel like I am imploding.



  406.  #407LiliBee on February 3, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    I feel so lonely right now. 🙁

    At least I got plans to go out tomorrow night with a friend.

    I dreaded this lonely feeling, I knew it would come.

    I went to the videostore to find the movie some of you mentioned here “Diary of a mad black woman”, but they didn’t have it.

    No news from D. Which is not a bad thing.
    But I just can’t help feeling rejected and lonely.

    I can notice some more new changes in me though through this:
    I haven’t had the urge to tell everyone what happened.
    With my ex, I told the entire world to lash out my anger and get revenge.
    Now, I just plain don’t feel like it.
    It will not sooth my anger, it will only feed it.
    I just don’t want to keep it alive.

    But gee, I do feel soooo lonely and sad. 🙁

    Gonna call the restaurant right now to make a reservation for me and my friend tomorrow night.
    She really has a way with men and she’s single right now.
    I may learn from her.



  407.  #408Daria on February 3, 2012 at 4:48 pm

    Im jumping on team Go with the Flowbruary about not stressin about time right now



  408.  #409River Girl on February 3, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    Hello siren world! Sunshiney Saturday morning here after a couple of wet weeks. 🙂

    I’m a bit unsure about how to respond to a fb message I got from a friend. I call him a cd but we’re not dating and as much as I would like to, I don’t believe he is available right now even though he is single.

    Anyway, we were chatting on facebook night before last about random stuff. I was letting him initiate and he is quite funny, so was a good vibe when I said good night and logged off.

    Here’s how the conversation went.

    ME: Answered a question about my horse “Off to bed now, night CD”

    CD: Aye,that’s what i’m thinking.He might be a stayer afterall.Geldings often do.Well i’ve seen it all now!..Pregnancy scans on fb!…wtf?

    ME: nothing is sacred 🙁

    Then I logged off
    When I logged on today I found the following messages from him timed stamped right after I had logged off

    CD: Have you not found a bloke yet?..What have you been doing

    10mins later

    CD:in the hills when we need to go and party in the big smoke!

    Just not sure how to respond to this without being defensive or being too “smart”.
    Would love some input.



  409.  #410April Rose on February 3, 2012 at 4:52 pm

    Today I had my lunch cooked for me by a man.

    And my dinner cooked for me by another man.

    I kissed them both.

    I would never have dreamed of such a thing happening in my pre-siren days!!!



  410.  #411Starla on February 3, 2012 at 5:04 pm

    brenda, go to yourself with it of course!! yummm we deserve to feel that kind of love and ESPECIALLY from ourselves. i just remembered you asked this before and it inspired me to shower myself with that kind of love, thank you, you just reminded me again!!

    Starla I know you’re hungry and feeling stressed about your exam tomorrow but we’re gonna take it easy watching that movie you love to watch while we wait for one of your favorite foods to be ready for dinner, and then we can study:) you can start studying now, if it will help you feel less worried about being prepared.

    let’s go get some water.



  411.  #412Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 5:07 pm

    I just texted Ryan again. I can’t handle Team Lean Back.



  412.  #413Memulo on February 3, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    FW,

    How are things with the CD you felt a deep connection with over the phone the other week? Have you met yet? Is he as great in person too?

    Also, how do you manage to go out with so many people? Don’t they want to see you more often then once in 2 weeks? Do you feel it as a bit tiring? And do you feel guilty for the guys that you have a closer relationship with? Asking because I often do..

    Lot’s of questions! Please don’t feel obligated to answer 🙂



  413.  #414Memulo on February 3, 2012 at 5:28 pm

    Brenda,

    Can you handle it once he responds? Just to leave it, even if it’s a question?



  414.  #415Memulo on February 3, 2012 at 5:30 pm

    Starla,

    You have an exam tomorrow? You will do great! you’re prob studying already.. that’s the encouragement I needed, have to study tonight too. I feel encouraged!



  415.  #416Elle on February 3, 2012 at 5:40 pm

    I am feeling better, Sirens.. I am still not leaning forward at all… I do have that down pretty well and even though the thought crosses my mind.. I am bound and determined to not get in to the middle of whatever it is T has to do. Plus, I made a promise to someone special..and I also know the damage that could cause in this situation.

    The NV’s have quieted down significantly and not to be raw but they can be some real b&tches..mean and hateful things that know nothing of what they speak of. I can take care of myself way better than they can. I basically have them duct taped and in the corner. I’ll have to add a couple extra strips because this weekend will be tough as it is a weekend that I had plans with T for a Super Bowl party that was being held at his home. It was to be a weekend of preparation and fun… So I expect the NV’s to come out and talk to me some more but I am prepared with more pampering of me…a haircut scheduled, guitar practice and hugging myself a lot..

    I am taking the time I need to heal and am almost to the point of really honoring myself for the impeccable way that I handled all of this with T.

    Seriously, what a powerful learning and healing experience this was. Absolutely unbelievable.

    And I got an “Awesome” sticker at my guitar lesson last night and can play three whole chords now. YAY ME!!! I actually believe that I am going to be able to do it and do it well. My instructor is impressed and it’s fun to CD him too.

    We had the National Sales Meeting here this week. Tuesday night, we went out and while I wasn’t feeling particularily vibe-y..my “guys” must have felt differently. I got to the venue and sat down and when they all came in…next thing you know, I had seven of them seated all around me, getting me drinks when I needed it, offering me food and basically taking care of me. Me and a table full of men. It was fun and gave me a much needed lift. And I was called feminine…proving once again that I don’t have to wear a bunch of frilly clothes in order to be feminine. Fitted T, jeans with a cute belt, jewelry and boots and I was rockin!

    I’m rambling but it feels good to get this all out.

    I also have a photo shoot with a local photographer on Tuesday after work.



  416.  #417Starla on February 3, 2012 at 6:16 pm

    Memulo, did I ask you what you are studying? If I did, I’m sorry, but I’d love to know!



  417.  #418Laughing Goddess on February 3, 2012 at 6:24 pm

    Elle:

    I was wondering about you and I feel so happy to hear an update. Those NV’s know nothing! I have know doubt that T will come crawling back begging your forgiveness. Who knows though, an even better bloke may have found you by then.

    P.S. Guitar lessons sounds so fun!



  418.  #419VW on February 3, 2012 at 6:25 pm

    Dominique, ma belle 🙂

    gosh, u sound sooo freaking sexy and hot when u speak french…;) lol
    when i was reading your post on this thread…I was like …”aww…i so wished i took my french lessons seriously…”…

    on a different note, i would soooo encourage you to also create/promote your teaching videos in french…:) i can only imagine the “traffic”…:)

    warm hugs,



  419.  #420Elle on February 3, 2012 at 6:44 pm

    418:

    I was wondering about you as well, love. I felt sad to hear you and sweetie were having issues this week. I feel so happy you found the support you needed and that things are better now.

    Everything is okay, yes?



  420.  #421LiliBee on February 3, 2012 at 6:59 pm

    419:

    Hi VW!

    Oui, Dominique!
    Many French over here in Canada would love your site.



  421.  #422Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    Argh.. So i had the FM talk last night with M about not hearing from him in 4 days… said I feel far when we don’t talk for a few days. Had an amazing evening with him last night… but

    ADVICE: He texts me now ‘The kids are still up, can we talk tomorow?’

    ARGH,,, What would you answer in FMs?



  422.  #423Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    Starla,

    Re: #411- Been giving myself love for D.E.C.A.D.E.S. That is good but only so far. Thank you tho.

    These.feelings are too powerful to contain. I am a one man woman. This love has been in my heart for 3.5 years. I am in love w8th Ryan. It is so hard to be doing everything around that love but give and receive it, as if 5hat is an abnormal thing to do with love. I can’t stand it.



  423.  #424Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    I am dissapointed now because I was a total Siren last night after a really stressful day I knew was comiong at work…

    He told me what I said was beautiful, I’m beautiful, he massaged my feet, told me he remembers the 1st night we were together about 1 year ago… and now he texts ‘can we talk tomorow?… WTF!

    What do I say?



  424.  #425Brenda on February 3, 2012 at 7:07 pm

    That was sposta say 3 years.



  425.  #426Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 7:08 pm

    IF I answer ‘I’m feeling so cozy in bed already, talk tomorow is fine’ AM I BEING A CACTUS?



  426.  #427Starla on February 3, 2012 at 7:08 pm

    Lolita, 422

    “Ohh I feel sad we won’t talk tonight. Thanks for letting me know. Tomorrow would feel good:)



  427.  #428Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 7:09 pm

    Starla, If I say SAD it sounds a little like a big deal, no?

    Maybe: I feel so cozy in bed already. thanks for letting me know, tomorow would feel nice.



  428.  #429Laughing Goddess on February 3, 2012 at 7:11 pm

    420:

    Ya, everything is good. We mostly get along but every once in a while we have an argument and they always have the same pattern.

    *I will be feeling disconnected for some reason
    *I will try to tell him but I don’t stick to fm’s and it comes out in a blameful way
    *He gets defensive and starts ‘fillibustering’, as lovely Nikita puts it
    *I feel more and more disconnected and triggered and blameful
    *He eventually apologizes or tries to make things right
    *I have a hard time letting go and forgiving

    I also have a bad habit of saying I want to break up during these times. He, for obvious reasons, gets really frustrated by this. He doesn’t take it too seriously though, because he knows I’m just saying it out of frustration. But it does slowly wear away his trust and I know its not a good thing for me to do. It’s just some sort of protective mechanism.

    What feels so strange to me is how our disagreements ALWAYS follow this pattern.

    And they only last for a day. By the next morning we are both a lot more understanding.

    But yes, things are good. I am focusing on being less blameful, he is focusing on being less defensive.

    We also developed a code phrase. If I say anything about feeling disconnected, he will attend to that first rather than focusing on the way I said it. Then, once we have connected, if he has something to say about the way I said something, he will say it then.

    So, we’ll see. I feel hopeful. All couples have challenges, I guess it’s the way we get through them that makes the difference.

    So, that’s my update!



  429.  #430Lizka on February 3, 2012 at 7:11 pm

    Is Lilibee = Lili41? I feel lost…



  430.  #431Memulo on February 3, 2012 at 7:11 pm

    Lolita,

    ‘tomorrow (or another time) would feel good’? ‘going to take shower/use a new body lotion/etc. talk to you later’? or

    ‘ahh going to take shower/use a new body lotion/etc., talking to you another time would feel better’?



  431.  #432Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 7:14 pm

    Oh… HOW ABOUT: ‘I’m in the bubbles… feeling all ?. Thanks for letting me know. tomorow would feel nice. (bubbles bath)



  432.  #433Memulo on February 3, 2012 at 7:15 pm

    Starla,

    You did not ask what I am studying for and even if you did what’s a big deal-) Need to read about some new financial products that I had a limited experience with.. Thanks for asking!



  433.  #434Memulo on February 3, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    Lolita,

    I wouldn’t thank him for letting me know that he is busy for me lol.. whatever the reason is.



  434.  #435LiliBee on February 3, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    430:

    Hi Lizka!

    Yes, it’s Lili 41.

    I just sent you an email on the subject of my name.

    A new name for a fresh start.



  435.  #436Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    Memulo, you’re right thank you. It sounds like ‘yeah your too busy for me but if you let me know I’ll be a cactus’



  436.  #437Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 7:19 pm

    How about: I’m in the bubbles… feeling all velvety. Tomorow would feel nice.

    Do you think he’ll get I’m in a bubble bath?



  437.  #438Laughing Goddess on February 3, 2012 at 7:20 pm

    THE CHEMISTRY ILLUSION

    We women try to take this thing we call chemistry – even though it’s chemistry with a man who isn’t good for us – and we interpret that feeling as “wow, this is somebody, this is something.”

    We mistake how good a date went for what a man is feeling. We guess that if there was chemistry and he showed interest, then he must be available, he must want a relationship, and he must want it with us! But we’re really just guessing all these things about a man we know almost nothing about.

    What’s more, if you have strong chemical feelings for a guy right away, that’s an instant sign that something is wrong – this is the basis of codependency. You’re attaching a lot of meaning to very little substance and creating a fantasy. Chemistry is not a magic emotion: it is something that builds over time when you feel safe with someone and you build intimacy.

    So if you can’t go by your chemical intuition, what can you trust? Follow a much simpler route:

    GO BY WHAT A MAN DOES

    How many hours and energy have you spent trying to come up with a reason for why a man doesn’t follow up? Well, there doesn’t have to be a reason. Trying to read a man is a useless thing. Men are pretty simple: they’re either into you, or they’re not.

    You will save yourself so much pain and anxiety if you stop the detective work and instead become an observer – of what a man actually does. If a man likes you, he is supposed to call you and ask you out. If he likes you, he will follow up with you and keep asking you out. It’s really as simple as that.

    Attach no meaning to the fact that you feel all this chemistry with a man unless he’s actually showing you with his actions that he’s moving things forward. And, so you don’t lose your mind while you’re doing that, there’s something incredibly powerful you should know about…

    EXPAND YOUR IDEA OF DATING

    An effective way to correct your chemistry meter is to do what I call Circular Dating. This means you date more than one man at a time until you have the commitment you want from the man who is right for you. And you do this by going out with guys you’re not necessarily attracted to but who are doing what they’re supposed to be doing – that is: calling you, following up with you, and asking you out.

    Passion comes from something inside you (not from some guy), and then when you feel safe with someone, you let it out. You’ll be surprised by how passionate some of these guys you’re not initially head over heels for can be…if you give them a chance.

    If you think you feel so much chemistry for the men who leave you hanging, just imagine what you can experience with a man who truly cares for you, cherishes you, and does what a man is supposed to do when he’s into you!

    Circular Dating is free therapy: when you date the guys who show up in your life, you won’t get hung up on any one guy. You also learn to build chemistry by slowly trusting a man and letting your inner fire come out – with a man who’s truly good to you. Don’t let your chemistry meter allow you to accept less than the behavior – and the love – you deserve.

    Rori Raye



  438.  #439Memulo on February 3, 2012 at 7:20 pm

    Lolita,

    A waterfall of love! Not a cactus 🙂



  439.  #440Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 7:21 pm

    Memulo, LOL! Waterfall is nice… been imagining the waterwheel for days and last night it really worked!



  440.  #441Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    ADVICE:

    How about: I’m in the bubbles… feeling all velvety 🙂 Tomorow would feel nice.

    Do you think he’ll get I’m in a bubble bath?

    Should I be more specific?



  441.  #442Memulo on February 3, 2012 at 7:25 pm

    My SmartCD turned out to be a disappointment. Oh well, not the last guy I can feel connected to lol.

    Tomorrow going on my mystery brunch (not sure who with exactly!) That feels like an adventure. Decided to play along without asking who texted me.. just for the fun of it.



  442.  #443LiliBee on February 3, 2012 at 7:27 pm

    429:

    Hang in there LG, keep remembering the tools.

    I wish I knew a magical remedy to give you, except, follow Rori’s advice.

    Those patterns can be so stubborn I know.
    You’ll eventually get them before they get you.



  443.  #444Memulo on February 3, 2012 at 7:27 pm

    Lolita, I liked your other version, where you say bubble bath. Velvety – not sure about that. Simple, sweet and to the point, I’d rather go with that.



  444.  #445Memulo on February 3, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    Actually with SmartCD I questioned for the first time in my life if becoming intimate early on is the right thing to do. I’ve never done it before.. but with him I somehow felt that he ‘needed’ it to fall for me more.. or is it all imaginary?



  445.  #446Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 7:32 pm

    Memulo, I sent it already… hope he won’t be confused… now I dont want to lean forward with an explanation ‘bubble bath’…

    What happened with SMARTCD? The man with the boy and ex who changes her mind about days?



  446.  #447Laughing Goddess on February 3, 2012 at 7:35 pm

    Thanks LiliBee.

    It’s just so frustrating because I know I can put together some great FM’s. It’s just when I get triggered, I forget. And it comes out all blameful.

    What started this last disagreement is, I said something like, “I feel so disconnected from you. You didn’t even pay attention to me when you came home. YOU DON’T LOVE ME”.

    Apparently this the right thing to say to a man who goes out of his way to treat me like a queen. He got super defensive which made me feel even more disconnected and it spiraled down from there.

    Oh well, live and learn I suppose.



  447.  #448Laughing Goddess on February 3, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    I meant to say – “not the right thing to say”



  448.  #449Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    I sent a text : I’m in the bubbles… feeling all velvety 🙂 . Tomorow would feel nice

    What do Sirens think? Will he understand I mean bubble bath? Not a bad idea to let him guess?



  449.  #450Memulo on February 3, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    Lolita, sure, no need to explain, it sounds sireny any way you put it 🙂

    Nothing happened with the guy, he hasn’t contacted me. On a date he kept on asking when he could see me again, i said perhaps Wed or Thur and he said he will let me know, since his situation is constantly changing. But I have not heard from him.. which feels disappointing since I would expect to hear at least ‘I can’t make it’. This way it feels rude (Daria is going to be unhappy with this jugdement lol)



  450.  #451Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    Laughing Goddess,

    When you say ‘you didnt even pay attention to me..’ that sounds like criticize and blame… maybe next time just say ‘I feel disconnected and forgotten’ ?



  451.  #452Laughing Goddess on February 3, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    It probably would have went better if I would have said

    “I know we’ve both got a lot going on. it would feel so good to take a moment and connect with you”.



  452.  #453Memulo on February 3, 2012 at 7:40 pm

    LG,

    #452 I love that!



  453.  #454Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    Memulo,

    Maybe he is having trouble with knowing when he will have his son and doesn’t want to dissapoint you by making a date he can’t keep or has to cancel at the last minute. It’s a new CD right? So it’s all new and he could just be taking his time. How long since you talked/saw each other?



  454.  #455Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 7:42 pm

    LG I like 452. Add another FM maybe.



  455.  #456Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 7:44 pm

    LAughing Goddess,<<Do you lean back and put your hands palms towards him by your side when you deliver your FMs? I find it makes a world of difference.



  456.  #457Laughing Goddess on February 3, 2012 at 7:46 pm

    Thanks Lolita.

    I could probably say I feel disconnected.

    I feel hesitant to say I feel forgotten.

    That would probably trigger him. He’d be like, how could you feel forgotten? I was just out doing a bunch of errands for us and I brought firewood in before I left so you would be warm. I was just hungry and needed to eat something.

    He takes being a good man very seriously and saying I feel forgotten would seem like a criticism to him.

    I don’t know if he is super sensitive or if this is normal for men.



  457.  #458Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 7:47 pm

    Laughing Goddess,

    Maybe you can try ‘It feels so nice when you are home with me (us). I feel forgotten though sometimes..’



  458.  #459Memulo on February 3, 2012 at 7:47 pm

    Lolita,

    The date was on Monday. I don’t know, it would feel right to at least let me know what’s going on. This way I feel disconnected lol. and it’s a turn off.



  459.  #460Laughing Goddess on February 3, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    Lolita: Focusing on my body language would probably help. Thanks for the tip!



  460.  #461Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    Laughing Goddess,

    THEN: Maybe you can try ‘It feels so nice when you are home with me (us). It would feel so good to be in your arms when you arrive though sometimes… I feel so far’



  461.  #462Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 7:51 pm

    Actually I think I like my text FM a lot… it also gives a visual! He must be imagining my body in wet bubbles! 🙂



  462.  #463Memulo on February 3, 2012 at 7:52 pm

    Lolita #462,

    YES that’s what I thought too!



  463.  #464Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 7:52 pm

    Memulo, I believe this was your 2 nd or 3rd date… maybe soon to expect so much. Do you usually contact every day or 2? How did the last date go?



  464.  #465Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 7:55 pm

    LIZKA, how are you? How was your day? call me when you want. What is happening with ATW?



  465.  #466Memulo on February 3, 2012 at 7:56 pm

    I felt that the last date went well, that’s the thing. He kept on kissing and complimenting me.. apologized that he was pushing me for sex.. I don’t know, I felt connected. But now I don’t-)



  466.  #467Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 7:59 pm

    Memulo, I wouldn,t make a big deal about it and just let him know next time in FMs that you feel disconnected when you don’t hear from him?



  467.  #468Memulo on February 3, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    Lolita, thanks, we will see. The thing is that he asked about a day and I gave him a specific day (even two!) and I didn’t even get a message that he can’t make it. That feels weird.



  468.  #469Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    Laughing Godess,

    You know your man yet I have to say in my opinion ‘I feel forgotten’ seems a lot less critical than what you said to him.



  469.  #470Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 8:03 pm

    Memulo, does he text sometimes?



  470.  #471Memulo on February 3, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    Lolita, nope, no contact since Monday.



  471.  #472Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 8:07 pm

    Memulo, Was he the one who suggested the new date? Does he have text on his phone?



  472.  #473Memulo on February 3, 2012 at 8:09 pm

    So if to go by ‘what a guy does, not what he says ‘rule, he’s in a deep hole -) That’s why I was saying that it feels disappointing.



  473.  #474Memulo on February 3, 2012 at 8:11 pm

    Lolita, yes, he wasn’t even leaving yet when he started asking – when can I see you again. And when he was leaving, he talked about it once more. He has everything and now he even knows where I live 🙂



  474.  #475Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 8:12 pm

    Memulo, don’t panick! I hadnMt heard from M in days and last night he was incredible! I have the feeling your SmartCD is having issues with when he can see you and he doesn’t have his son. Just lean back and next time deliver an FM and ask if you can talk more.



  475.  #476Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 8:14 pm

    Memulo, Can I ask if you were intimate on Monday? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want too. just you said he pushed for sex and knows where you live… I have missed some postings.



  476.  #477Memulo on February 3, 2012 at 8:14 pm

    Thank you 🙂



  477.  #478Memulo on February 3, 2012 at 8:16 pm

    Lolita, NO we were not intimate. We did kiss, but I just can’t do it so early on in a relationship.



  478.  #479Memulo on February 3, 2012 at 8:18 pm

    I invited him over after dinner. I showed him my books and some pretty stuff that I have, we had tea and talked (and kissed lol)



  479.  #480FlowerChild77 on February 3, 2012 at 8:20 pm

    Brenda….how are you doing? Did Ryan respond….or are you alone feeling sad right now? I’ll be up for a little while yet if you need to talk.



  480.  #481Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 8:25 pm

    Memulo, that sounds nice!



  481.  #482Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 8:27 pm

    It’s so quiet on Sirem Island tonight… Are they all out dating?



  482.  #483Jilly on February 3, 2012 at 8:28 pm

    LG…(((hugs)))



  483.  #484Jilly on February 3, 2012 at 8:29 pm

    Lolita..I really liked your bubble bath text…it added some mystery 🙂



  484.  #485Zara on February 3, 2012 at 8:31 pm

    238: Brenda says:

    ***FW,
    RE: #229 – Who was this one written by?***

    229 and 230 and 232 are one same post cut to pieces by FW and pasted here all jumbled up. The original post was written by Lonepl(u)m in October 2010.
    You can find it on the following link, comment 554.
    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/new-questions-post-ask-them-here/#comment-65052

    Here down follows the real copy/paste of Lonepl(u)m’s post, not jumbled up, and respecting what she meant at the time she wrote it:

    554: LonePl(u)m says:

    Reminder to ME (myself lol)

    I am the focus.
    I do not wonder why a man did this or did not do this
    My job is not to see why he did whatever. My job is to wonder why I react in such a way to what he did.
    And to discover what it is I really want and really don’t want.
    The man is not important.
    A safe warm relationship is important.

    I don’t put my choice on any man unless I have known him for a long time and observed he is steady in his acts with me, and he proposes to me.
    Over all, I don’t put my choice on the first one who
    wants exclusivity.
    Is he putting ME number one priority?
    Is he respecting my wish to keep chaste?
    Is he only trying to have a girl friend fast until he meets his Mrs right, or is he really into ME, accepting the no sex situation?

    Give myself time to really cdating many men.
    Give myself a chance to really know myself through my reaction to each of my dates.
    I don’t know around which one I will feel safe and warm .
    Let them be who they are and just wait to see who I am.

    Do not expect them to call Me.
    If they do, fine, if they don’t, I forget them.
    Expectation is opposite to circular dating.
    Be my true self, be happy during the date, enjoy myself, they will feel it, they will want more.
    Don’t focus on what I have to say , that is a way to focus on him
    Don’t focus on how to make him feel he should see me again
    That is a way to focus on him
    enjoy MYSELF

    I may use the tools to polish my real “me”, but not to change my real “me”.
    The tools change Me’s attitude, not who she is.
    The tools organize what Me already feels coz she is such a mess. Lol
    But the tools do not make up new feelings, they simply point at the feelings she had long hidden somewhere inside the emotional soup.

    The tools gave Me a way to express her boundaries.
    And she learnt respect: to herself and to others.
    She stays out of men’s mind, she respects their boundaries.
    She does not ask “why”about a man, not even to herself.
    “Me” is “Me”, stable inside herself.
    Me inspires safety to men.
    No matter if my date likes my type of life or not, he feels good with Me.
    He might not call back because he thinks Me is not a match, but he respects the souvenir of Me.
    Because I was authentic to him, I was generous showing my soul, no small attitude like shyness or anything.
    Me did not try to take anything from him, Me was not expecting any particular outcome, Me was just in the moment, enjoying a night at the restaurant.
    He felt it.
    So after his mind took all the roads it needs to take, either he meets the love of his life and be it, Me did not waste her time dating him in the mean time, or he will call Me. He will need to make sure he did not miss a gem
    Either way, I don’t even think of it. I’ve got a life to live and men to meet.

    If Me was not generous that night, it is also FINE.
    Me notes down her real feelings, Me observes her reaction to the situation and Me digests the lesson she was meant to learn from it.
    Me wins in learning more about herself
    That’s why Me can never be wrong in whatever she does in her cdating
    And Me gets back outside, she gets a new date.

    Me tries to date several men, it is easier to keep her mind off each of the men when Me has to split her mind among them, plus her real life.
    A date is just a date
    if the man stays in her life, she will be surprised
    but she does not expect him to stay.
    She is not a thief, meeting people with the intention to take something from them. (That’s how men resent her expectation)
    She is her own woman, she is meeting people just to feel her own vibes through her interactions with them.
    There will come a time when she will master her vibes
    That will be when Mr Right’s vibes will connect to hers and he will do everything he can to keep her in his life.

    C dating is about putting the focus on Me
    So my date has no way out, he puts the focus on Me too.
    When what he sees under the focus light is something he can’t handle or way too far from his own nature, he will not call back
    IT IS FINE
    It only takes ONE to marry
    I only want ONE to call for ever.
    IT IS FINE if 200 dates do not call back, it only means none was a match for Me. It does not say a single thing about how valuable my life is.
    NOT taking anything personally is also very sexy. It keeps my doors open to Mr Right.

    Cdating is about getting rid of guilt trips of any sort.
    I am not misleading a man when I date many men.
    It is his own problem if he lives an imaginary relationship with Me.
    Me did not tell him Me loves him, Me did not tell him she wants to see him and only him, he is imagining his own relationship with her, she is not responsible for what is inside his mind.
    It is unhealthy for him to imagine he owns Me’s time and feelings , on the sole account he has taken Me to a restaurant 3 or 4 times.
    It is unhealthy AND it is HIS problem
    it belongs to inside HIS mind
    cdating is about NEVER assuming or even wondering what is inside a man’s head.
    If Me worries about what he might feel or think, she is putting the focus on him
    Keep the focus on Me
    C dating is about NOT trying to peep into a man’s mind and heart. It is private, taboo, we can’t do that. It is rude, it is a type of emotional rape. It makes them run sooner or later. Even if Me meant good, she still is stepping out of her mind to try to peep inside his mind.
    A man needs ME inside Her own mind if he wants to connect with her
    If Me keeps stepping out of her mind, his vibes will never reach anything and will die.
    He will try to send his vibes to another woman.
    That’s why cdating is a life style for ever , even after Me is married.

    C dating is about minding what is in Me’s own mind and never in his mind.
    It implies Me never wonders “why”
    “Why” means she wishes he was doing things the way she wants things to be
    1) she is judging him as a failure already, instead of accepting him
    2) she is expecting a square thing already.
    There is no room left for the real thing to happen.
    Me should stop wondering about “why” and she should allow men to surprise her with their own vibes.
    Me should stop expecting them to abandon their own self to match her own vibes.
    Loosers might do that and men trying to get something from her
    lol
    Me is happy she understood why she is not happy with the quality of the last man
    wow
    lol
    good men don’t even know how to abandon their own vibes.
    They are stable within their own self , the one they wish Me to feel.
    Me needs to wait inside her mind, focused on herself, for a man to send her his vibes. .
    He wants Me to feel him
    I suppose that’s what rori calls “to get him”
    He does not want Me to analyze what he does . He does not want Me to analyze what she should do to attract him.
    He wants her to stay centered inside herself
    keep the focus on Me
    What he does or feels is inside him hence it is taboo, don’t even take that road.
    What ME feels is inside Me hence it is casher lol she can work on it.
    OMG, that’ what they call an independent woman
    wow

    if Me worries about a man’s reaction, it might be she is not feeling safe and warm, so … “next”
    RR says love is easy, it makes Me feels good, warm, safe, happy, free.
    Me does not know him and Me is already asking “why” he is not phoning her.
    What does Me think it is telling her about herself?
    Why does she needs HIM in particular to call her?
    Me does not know what he can bring into her life, she has no idea of his ability to be safe himself and to share his safety;
    So why is he the one man she wants to hear from?
    Because there is nobody else around?
    That is dishonest to him and to her.
    He should be one of many men swimming around, minding their journey while Me minds her own life, safe on her island.
    What is Me’s flaw that she has the emergency to make a stranger repair that flaw?
    Any stranger or even an old boy friend who treats her bad?
    Me is expressing fear on her island, she needs a man to help her.
    Any man and quick
    The first one who will call back will do.
    Men are like women, they avoid danger if they can sense it
    No man will swim to her island unless the island looks safe to him
    She’d better get busy making her own island safe instead of wasting energy peeping into men’s mind, trying to figure out how to throw a net over them and pull them in
    lol

    From any perspective she looks a the tool “cdating”,
    it says the same thing
    Me needs to organize her mind before she can even hope to meet love.
    She needs to build a safe life for herself first
    she needs to overcome the feeling or emergency
    She needs to understand once and for all, stability and safety comes from inside her mind.
    Her own safety will attract love .
    She needs to be at peace with herself before she attracts true love.
    Conflict with herself= conflict with men.

    Focus on Me and on RESPECT
    She needs to take it easy, to feel cool
    lol
    a cool woman is sexy
    A well structured cool woman is a sex bomb
    She needs to respect men’s feelings and to stay out of their boundaries
    No suggestion of what he could do, no questioning why he does whatever. In fact, no questions at all.
    Questions are intrusions into men’s mind, it freezes them.
    Plus questions are opposite to cdating.
    Cdating is about focusing on Me, opposed to paying attention to what he does when he is not even in front of her
    So she stops the emails type ”hello, how are you doing or what are you doing”
    she also stops adding a friendly question at the end of the answers she sends back to them.
    it took her all these years to understand:
    NO questions
    She is detached, so logically, she does not feel curiosity, she does no ask.
    She is doing him a favor answering as it is, but that’s it.
    He needs to find what else to say , if he really wants to keep the convo going. But she must stop pulling the rug from under his feet, with her questions. Questions is an emotional castration.
    lol
    Who would have known?
    Questions are shortening the vital distance between the man and her. He panics away.
    She thinks she is getting it.

    She needs to overcome the need to KNOW everything, to control. Respect and trust for the other.
    Thus, she needs to also overcome the need to explain.
    No questioning, no explaining.
    wow
    all she needs is to be simpler a lot simpler.
    Stop feeling and thinking for others. It is none of her business.
    Stick to what he writes. Answer to it, don’t add anything, don’t step off tracks, don’t over do it.
    Listen to what he says, speak back in his same track, follow him, don’t take a new track by asking or explaining or advicing
    Dance, enjoy his leading.
    Respect the rhythm.
    Pay attention to the music we are dancing on.
    Stop my autistic attitude inside the couple
    lol Me used to think he was being autistic
    lol
    lol
    lol
    she needs to tell him she is sorry for having said that
    She is the psycho rigid one
    lol
    wow
    Cdating is really teaching who she is.

    She needs to stick to her own boundaries, no matter what
    She needs to give time to time
    She needs to enjoy the moment.
    She needs to feel alive
    She needs to be her own priority but with humility
    it means she is not expecting any man to make her their priority.
    She is aware they are their own priority as well, and she respects that.
    She feels cool when she meets them and she leaves.
    She knows, when she is ready, her vibes will make ONE man want to change his priority.
    It takes ONE

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 _ 9:24am



  485.  #486Lolita on February 3, 2012 at 8:31 pm

    Thanks Jilly! Memulo helped! Thanks Memulo! 🙂



  486.  #487Jilly on February 3, 2012 at 8:33 pm

    Zara I’ve missed you…please come back more often 🙂



  487.  #488Zara on February 3, 2012 at 8:48 pm

    Femininewoman 229/230/232

    I still feel bad when my personal thoughts and words are put out here all jumbled up, with no respect with the way I originally put them together, which changes what they might mean. I private emailed you last year to teach you how to find back within 30 seconds any original post you