More About Marriage “Statistics” and “Girls”

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woman in chairHere’s my comment on the “statistics” article I posted a few days ago: https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/commitment/statistics-on-what-makes-a-man-marry-a-specific-woman/

Yes, I deliberately posted this article to be provocative…

No one wants to hear this kind of stuff.

It can inspire you – and, most likely, it makes you “resist” and feel crappy if you don’t have what the “data” suggests you’re “supposed” to have.

As for the “information” in this particular article: What “most” people think or do is not what I want MY life to be about – or what I want YOUR life to be about!

And yet, I think the article is an example that: We need to stare “What Is” in the face. (Even if the data isn’t statistically accurate – we need to stare our own reactions in the face…)

Nobody said we have to be married, a couple, or anything.

Many women don’t really even WANT that!

Yes, if you want to be a receptionist, you have to be able to speak on the phone.

If you want to be a secretary, you have to type – fast.

If you want to be a doctor, you have to go to school, skip a lot of sleep, and endure a lot of emotional pressure and insensitive people in high places.

If you want to be a major league player in the business world, you have to figure out how to do that as a woman among mostly men (it’s a tight-wire act of the highest precision and personal awareness – I’ll write more about this from my first-hand experience…).

So – how does this work for what you want around dating and marriage?

Amy Webb – in her you tube TED talk, bucked a great many of the statistics in this article by creating a scientifically-based online dating campaign, and got married within a year.

So – does that mean you need to either be terrifically smart and clever like Amy, or hire someone to help you do what Amy did?:

The point for me is – if movies, TV, billboard ads, celebrity and reality star stuff, and statistics like this article “get” to me – I’ve just identified where my WORK IS…

It’s not about “getting married” or “having a great marriage” – it’s about getting to the place where I do everything I know of or hear of or make up to remove my blocks to love, to allow love to flow without resistance.

It’s about my not resisting the “requirements” or “ideas” or “information” – in whatever form it shows up!

For me, the article about “marriage” data (or any other set of statistics about marriage that would pertain closely to my own life) is merely “information.”

It would be ideas I could access, and then either use or not use.

Just as Amy’s talk can register as either terrifically helpful, and make you go out and do exactly what she did (this inspired some women I know, and turned-off others) – or it can make you angry that you have to “do” all that to get your man.

It can either give you ideas and insights, or it can send you back to resistance and the blocks.

Here are some of my basic requirements for romantic relationship (they can be our works-in-progress – and, yet, they have to be in motion and awareness and therefore readable and thinkable and “speakable”):

Love yourself; love others; feel, say, express, do compassion for yourself and others; do not allow your brain’s instinct to “judge” take over (even while loving that judging part of yourself!); follow the Rori Raye  Have The Relationship You Want methodology, do the Tools; investigate and discover who YOU are…

Please let me know if you have more to add to the list…

As an example of all this:

*Anyone watching the TV show Girls?

Do you feel as I do – that the Hannah character is way different this year?

Do you agree with me about: How non-reactive she is? How straight-spoken and vulnerable, and yet accepting, loving she is? How open she is? How kind she’s becoming?

How when people say “awful” things to her – she reacts WAY differently than she did last year?

I think Hannah is a great role model now (she speaks to me…)

She can hear. She can stand there, let it in, be non-resistant, and somehow “love” comes out of her mouth now. She’s in the process of accepting and loving herself totally. Love seems to come out of her pores.

Her relationship with Adam is quite the beautiful romance.

Love, Rori

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143 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on March 14, 2014 at 6:30 am

    Rori you are on the ball



  2.  #2Linda on March 14, 2014 at 7:54 am

    When I read the previous post topic I simply saw it as information. I thought.. “People say lots of things that often dont represent what they have or would actually do”.

    THe survey did not move me, stir me, upset me… it was just information to read. I know that in my not too distant past the survey would have “done” something to me. I would have let it point at me, accuse or defeat me. Today.. I am just me. My personal experience even as recent as my last relationship certainly proved some very different things to be true than what the survey indicated. So that survey just got to be information this time and my experience is gets to be “real” now.



  3.  #3Kyla on March 14, 2014 at 10:20 am

    The air surrounding me is shimmering with possibility today. And my heart woke up singing Steve Winwood!

    Look inside your heart and I’ll look inside mine!
    Bring me a higher love! I could rise above on a higher love!
    Let me feel that love come over me! Let me feel how strong it could be!
    Bring me a higher love ooohhh!



  4.  #4Liquid Light on March 14, 2014 at 10:31 am

    OMG, I absolutely love that TED talk. That is brilliant! I’d heard about it but hadn’t seen it. Thanks for posting this Rori! I’m going to use this information to improve my profile. That woman is so cool and I absolutely love her analytical analysis of online dating and how she used that information to her benefit. I love love love it!!!!



  5.  #5Syreena on March 14, 2014 at 10:42 am

    Well here is the interesting thing. According to the stats in the article most women had to pressure the men they married to marry them.

    And how many first marriages end in divorce? 50%

    And what else are the stats showing us?

    Oh yes second marriages have even a higher chance in ending in divorce. 67%

    And third marriages even higher. 74%

    Ummm something to be learned here me thinks.



  6.  #6Linda on March 14, 2014 at 10:52 am

    I feel a shift coming for me. !!



  7.  #7Kyla on March 14, 2014 at 10:54 am

    Woohoo Linda!



  8.  #8Syreena on March 14, 2014 at 10:58 am

    What would I do if I wanted to be in a good healthily attached and bonded marriage

    Choose wisely. Look out for any pre indicators and red flags of someone wanting a relationship that was based on wanting to control me or objectify me. Biggest red flag being someone who didn’t accept my NO when I said it. Look at my past and their past paying attention to make sure we weren’t attracted to each other on a wounded level.

    Do my best to make the best conscious decision to choose to be with my best inner core match for me.



  9.  #9Syreena on March 14, 2014 at 11:07 am

    Listen to my inner guidance trust my gut. If I felt NO I don’t want to do that NEVER EVER EVER be persuaded and talked into changing my mind once saying NO. As by doing so I have just made myself into a sitting duck and victim of a controlling relationship of someone who is showing they want to control me.



  10.  #10Liquid Light on March 14, 2014 at 11:26 am

    Syreena, I hear you, girl. I wish I had looked out for these types of red flags in my last relationship. I totally see myself in that. Oh well, live and learn. Never again but now I know. I learned the hard way but at least I learned. Actually I don’t regret it, we also had tons of fun together and I want that in my next relationship. I want the good stuff, not the bad stuff.



  11.  #11Surferchica on March 14, 2014 at 11:38 am

    What I got from the stats was that I am super glad I am not wanting to be married. The culture around marriage is so odd—it’s like marriage proves to a woman that she is valuable (why else would you want to convince someone to marry you?).

    I am in a 2 and a half year relationship post-divorce (been divorced for 4 years, separated for 5). What I love about this relationship is that it is not the sum total of who I am, he doesn’t decide for me what I want from life, and I know my value whether or not he’s in my life.

    Meanwhile, he’s great to share stuff with and treats me with respect, tenderness, and humor. We love each other. It’s enough.



  12.  #12Femininewoman on March 14, 2014 at 11:52 am

    Linda stay focussed on the positive. Remember “you are in charge. Stand in an attitude of belief and trust. You have a lof evidence in your life that supports the power of focus”. Look for the manifestation of your progress.

    You too LL. You are in charge of how you feel so stay positive. Negativity is just old patterns of thought.



  13.  #13CurvySiren10 on March 14, 2014 at 12:04 pm

    I love your post Surferchica. In fact, I could have practically written it myself, word for word.
    I just wanted to recognize how much your words resonated with me. 🙂



  14.  #14MovingMagic on March 14, 2014 at 12:08 pm

    I thought the statistics were interesting. It also seemed like fulfilling the role of a woman wanting to get married takes alot of doing energy.
    I definitely know woman who take marriage prospects very seriously. ..almost like a 2nd job.
    For me an organic life style feels much more authentic. Then again I’m not necessarily looking for marriage. A life partner to grow with sounds pretty magical.



  15.  #15Liquid Light on March 14, 2014 at 12:14 pm

    “If he doesn’t make reservations for you, he has reservations about you.”

    I love that from Lauren Frances. She is so smart and witty. And this is so true. I didn’t want to look at it but one CD was like this. He didn’t really make much effort to set up dates etc. Lack of effort = lack of interest. Its a bitter pill to swallow but it rings true.



  16.  #16Liquid Light on March 14, 2014 at 12:29 pm

    MM, yes finding a man/marriage does feel like a 2nd job but I’m OK with that. Its very important to me, I take it very seriously, so I’m putting a lot of effort into it. This means that I make it a huge priority and take every opportunity I can to meet people, go out, online date, singles events, happy hours, matchmakers, etc. You name it, and I’m probably doing it! LOL And I don’t mind that at all, in fact its (mostly) fun – it gets me out of the house, out of my head and, often, meeting interesting people, even if I haven’t found my “love connection” yet. Yet is the operative word 🙂



  17.  #17Surferchica on March 14, 2014 at 12:36 pm

    Thanks CurvySiren10! It’s nice to hear your similar experience. Rori’s blog and tools have been so instrumental in my life. I’m 52. I wish I had known this stuff before I got married the first time (30 years ago!).



  18.  #18CurvySiren10 on March 14, 2014 at 1:07 pm

    Wow again Surferchica!! We are the same age and married around the same time. Kind of eery how we both came to these same conclusions. I also wish I’d known all of this earlier, but this is life…I also wish i could mind meld this to my daughter for example, but she has her own path to follow. All I can do is share my knowledge and experience.



  19.  #19Cris on March 14, 2014 at 1:18 pm

    What a clear summary of the requirements!



  20.  #20Shannon P. on March 14, 2014 at 2:28 pm

    Linda, I also didn’t feel much around the statistics article. I felt a lot more reactive to the woman’s telecast the other day that pretty much told me to go out there and chase men all day long… and if I didn’t do all the work (since men my age are bored with even trying), I’ll end up an old washed-up, lonely crone.

    Okay, she didn’t EXACTLY say that. :p But that’s sure what it felt like was being said with all the, “and then you have to do this, and then you have to do that, and older men can’t be bothered, and… then you have to do this or that…”

    Which feels completely like working my arse off to chase men down and hope that one of them will latch onto me after I run him over with my “charm bus”.

    So while this one didn’t get me, that webcast definitely did, lol.



  21.  #21Linda on March 14, 2014 at 2:38 pm

    from post 12…. alright now! whoo hoo! you go a witness that comment FW. ! “the power of focus and looking for the manifestation of progress in my life”.

    I have been reflecting on just that actually. I found my countenance perkier today. That is when I got my first hint of a shift starting to happen. My mind has been stuck in one area in particular and when I discovered it yesterday and how limiting it was and negatively it was affecting me I told it to scram.

    I have can genuinely feel , see, and touch good solid progress inside of me. It feels empower and skippie inside.



  22.  #22Linda on March 14, 2014 at 2:39 pm

    oops… I meant to say “You got a witness with that comment” …



  23.  #23Linda on March 14, 2014 at 2:42 pm

    oh my gosh Shannon… I am laughing out loud reading your post.



  24.  #24Linda on March 14, 2014 at 2:42 pm

    Charm bus! tee hee!!!



  25.  #25Shannon P. on March 14, 2014 at 2:49 pm

    I totally came up with “charm bus” on the fly. *pats hair in a self-satisfied gesture*

    😀



  26.  #26Liquid Light on March 14, 2014 at 3:10 pm

    Shannon: I love “charm bus” too! 🙂



  27.  #27MovingMagic on March 14, 2014 at 3:46 pm

    Liquid Light, it’s wonderful that you know that about yourself. 🙂 I also think it’s wonderful that you design your life with a husband in mind.
    I’ve always felt a little different about marriage. At 34 yrs old, I’m not so certain that I’m meant to be married or that the idea of marriage even resonates with me.



  28.  #28Brenda on March 14, 2014 at 5:29 pm

    I love that show and Hannah is very confident.I am so insecure and feel ugly and throughout the yrs the things I have endured makes me feel like so low but looking at the show and seeing other women over come break ups and trials and tribulations I know I’m here for reason and I have to move forward.



  29.  #29mary on March 14, 2014 at 5:57 pm

    i loved that TED video!

    oh my goodness, i feel inspired.
    not ready yet, but…

    … soon ! !!



  30.  #30Surferchica on March 14, 2014 at 7:58 pm

    CurvySiren10, my daughters do seem more aware of these principles than I was. Glad for that! But I also know life has a way of teaching us through experience, not just what we are told or what we believe. I’m grateful to be growing and learning now, and not stagnant or trying to protect a marriage just for appearances or because people expect you to.

    I love being single and having a boyfriend. That feels like the most incredible solution for now. Two houses, two incomes, two lives—but we share a life too without over-stepping or interfering. Feels like support rather than control. It would take a lot for me to feel safe enough to allow someone that much access to my interior and my daily life. Still recovering from 25 years of the other.



  31.  #31Lisa on March 14, 2014 at 8:11 pm

    I really don’t know what to say…. except… that trusting until I know better just isn’t working for me… and this time… really got me in a big bind…

    and as for him not showing me his license…. well now I know that I should have once again listened to my gut and the panic I had ( b/c it was telling me something) I’m sorry… but really I’ve just got to listen to myself and my wisdom b/c every time I think I’m might be wrong and I’m told different I get hurt…

    This time… “J” decided to tell me to have a happy birthday with my daughters and he’d see me next weekend… how does that sound…

    Oh well since tonight is the night before my birthday and I put other plans prior to …. then that suc&ks and I dumped him!!!

    He really told on himself… the past few days… and my gut on the first day was right on “player” …..
    Interestingly enough he lied to me about his profile all along… telling me someone must have hacked into it, b/c he wasn’t online…

    He had a container full of prescription drugs that would kill a polar bear…

    From now on any man that doesn’t volunteer to give me his id and info… is GONE!

    I’m not sad about dumping him…. I’m sad that I didn’t follow my gut and I am spending my birthday alone now….

    and I’m hurting b/c I got played even though I played it safe… apparently not safe enough…

    @FW I know you mean well….. that advice wasn’t really a good idea… I have to say that my stance is now concrete… any GOOD man will gladly show his id..

    Funny how he said to me that ( and here is a big clue ) that let anyone try to go up against his intellect and he’ll win every time…

    the man uses his intellect and his degree in psy. to play women… I mean putting the puzzle together now and all he was saying to me lately…

    He even told me about a friend of his that does the same thing uses his degree in psy… to learn how to play women… (he was telling on himself)…..

    Well happy birthday to me!!!…. I feel so stupid… but one thing is for sure… I dumped his butt and so he isn’t going to string me along ….

    Lesson #1 first impressions are usually right on!!!



  32.  #32LoveAlways on March 14, 2014 at 8:20 pm

    Happy Birthday Lisa!!!



  33.  #33LoveAlways on March 14, 2014 at 8:22 pm

    “Here are some of my basic requirements for romantic relationship (they can be our works-in-progress – and, yet, they have to be in motion and awareness and therefore readable and thinkable and “speakable”):

    Love yourself; love others; feel, say, express, do compassion for yourself and others; do not allow your brain’s instinct to “judge” take over (even while loving that judging part of yourself!); follow the Rori Raye Have The Relationship You Want methodology, do the Tools; investigate and discover who YOU are…”

    Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful!



  34.  #34prplpsn28 on March 14, 2014 at 8:43 pm

    🙂



  35.  #35blue rose on March 14, 2014 at 9:27 pm

    I was so bummed about the statistics in the last article. and while this woman is younger than me when she got going on this, her journey made me really happy.

    she used her boy energy to get her to where she could attract potential appropriate mates. How awesome is that! And I could totally use my boy energy to do my hair and make up every day (I’m awful about that) or to make a dating profile (I only have one that even has pictures).

    She totally went for it.



  36.  #36Millie on March 14, 2014 at 10:32 pm

    Amy’s TED video was so entertaining!!! I loved it!!! One thing that fascinated me was that her approach to finding a man was very “boy” to me. She used logic and facts and strategy instead of feelings to be successful. One hand this is discouraging to me because it feels like wow, finding love really is a game. You have to find out how to play it. But on the other hand…it’s a relief. At my job I am good at being able to give people what they want. I know how to be successful at work. Dating is no different. I just need to discover those strategies and apply them. That is a relief. What isn’t…is my reluctance to do it. Why do I feel reluctant? I have no desire to online date. I feel reluctant to apply game and tactics. It doesn’t feel real….



  37.  #37Zia on March 15, 2014 at 12:49 am

    I love learning about statistics because it helps me work out how to get what I want. Because of the statistics and knowledge on what masculine men want in a relationship, I’ve been able to change things within myself (without changing ME) to be more in line with what I’m after. And the result is that I am in a relationship with a man who is giving me everything, EVERYTHING that I ever wanted in a relationship. Everything that I thought just was a fantasy and not possible. But the thing is, in the past I didn’t allow those things to be present, I didn’t appreciate it, and I thought *I* had to fight to make it happen, force the man to do things that I wanted instead of just letting things be and see how they pan out.

    Speaking of M, he wants to plan a holiday together, and I can’t wait to see what happens there. For the first time in my life I’m going to just sit back and let a guy do all the planning. It feels so good!



  38.  #38April Rose on March 15, 2014 at 3:58 am

    Happy Birthday lovely Lisa 🙂



  39.  #39Femininewoman on March 15, 2014 at 4:04 am

    Zia that sounds absolutely lovely



  40.  #40Femininewoman on March 15, 2014 at 4:05 am

    Happy Birthday Lisa.

    Yesterday was my daughter’s too.



  41.  #41Cris on March 15, 2014 at 4:08 am

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY Lisa

    so glad you have that man @Zia



  42.  #42Syreena on March 15, 2014 at 4:10 am

    Indigo, from other thread. “They play the victim but it’s a cover up.”

    I want to explore this. I believe you have something there.

    What do you think?

    I’ve heard this from women too. ” I’m ‘nice’ why are they treating me like this and not giving me what I wanted in return for being ‘nice’.



  43.  #43Syreena on March 15, 2014 at 4:12 am

    Happy Birthday Lisa.



  44.  #44April Rose on March 15, 2014 at 4:21 am

    Just watched the TED talk, and I’m feeling smiley.

    I especially enjoyed Amy’s realisation that she wasn’t being picky enough!

    And I was super impressed with her focussed approach.

    I think I’m going to start rating men on my own point scale, like she did.
    Right, for a start, let’s see how WM scores….



  45.  #45Syreena on March 15, 2014 at 4:33 am

    Lisa, what I am hearing you say is that trusting someone until you know them better isn’t and doesn’t work for you and gets you into trouble and this time got you into a big bind.

    And that not trusting your gut and instinct and listening and putting your trust in other people’s advice telling you your gut is wrong and their advice is right is not helpful and gets you hurt.

    In your gut you knew you were being played.

    That you feel sad that you didn’t trust your gut and good man will just volunteer this info.

    I feel pleased you dodged a bullet.

    Hope you go and do something lovely for yourself for your Birthday.

    One thing I wanted to ask was where and how did you meet him? I missed that?



  46.  #46Femininewoman on March 15, 2014 at 5:00 am

    Syreena it seems that you are referring to me in your statements “other people’s advice telling you your gut is wrong and their advice is right”. As such here is what I wrote to Lisa and would like to know where I advised/told her that her gut is wrong and my advice is right. Maybe I have a blindspot??!!

    *Repost from previous thread*

    ““I assume Lisa you must have some level of trust why you shared your address. He is likely resistant to sharing personal stuff because of the expectations he feels. He knows you have them because he has given you reason to have expectations. Men wants things to be their idea also. If a woman is pushing for something he is likely to resist wandering why you want so desperately to know. Our psychology can be really weird.

    Lisa what do you require before having sex? How long do you wait before going there?

    1. Lisa – CCarter talks about the power of telling stories. He suggests that people resonate with stories as many times it is unconscious, but the bottom line is the man in the story is him and woman in the story is you. At least that is how CCarter puts it. Stories are an indirect way to give a person a message.
    If that is the way you feel I would stick with the feeling though I believe telling him not to come to your house might be an invite for some people. Maybe I’d just leave it and hope he drops off. Also I would take it as a lesson to never give out address info until I feel safe with a man.”



  47.  #47Femininewoman on March 15, 2014 at 5:03 am

    Lisa – “that advice wasn’t really a good idea”

    Maybe I am missing something. What advice?



  48.  #48Femininewoman on March 15, 2014 at 5:09 am

    One more I shared with Lisa about the drivers license

    *Yupp Lisa. It does. Who else are you cdating? At least that is how it sounds to me. Yet this is all new with him and he is still a stranger. I would just take it that I am ahead of him on the relationship timeline and pull myself back rather than making assumptions. You shared what you wanted to share, now you have expectations. That he will share personal information.

    Only you can know what you need to feel safe. Then share that with him. Is my humble opinion.*



  49.  #49Indigo on March 15, 2014 at 5:13 am

    Syreena 42,

    I believe you are referring to someone else.

    I did not say that, nor would I ever.

    [WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The poster sent us ‘0 which is not a hashcash value.



  50.  #50April Rose on March 15, 2014 at 5:31 am

    I had a dream last night in which two men were kissing me.
    It felt wonderful!



  51.  #51April Rose on March 15, 2014 at 5:35 am

    FW
    You said
    “.. You shared what you wanted to share, now you have expectations. That he will share personal information.”

    Maybe Lisa is discovering that the kind of man she wants is one who is upfront and open about himself.



  52.  #52BeLoved on March 15, 2014 at 5:48 am

    I love this video and I LOVE the point scoring system.
    I feel excited about the idea of having a standard for dating.
    Must meet X criteria before even considering a date.
    Yes!
    Her method really speaks to my experimental nature and has me feeling curious and empowered about dating and online dating again!
    I’m thinking I could use this for job/career search, too.

    Hmmm….
    😀



  53.  #53Femininewoman on March 15, 2014 at 5:50 am

    I love this statement I just saw in an email

    “A confident woman isn’t going to pack her bags for pityville just because some guy wasn’t mature enough
    to appreciate what a prize she is.”

    Reminds me to continue building my confidence.



  54.  #54Femininewoman on March 15, 2014 at 5:53 am

    Interesting BeLoved. I find I feel overwhelmed with statistics and all the analyzing. I started listening to the video, got distracted and haven’t felt the urge to go back.



  55.  #55Zia on March 15, 2014 at 6:15 am

    Thanks everyone 🙂 I just went back to have a look at some of my posts from a year ago. Wow. WOW. Incredible how much change has happened. While I hoped I’d be where I am now, I never really thought it possible back then.



  56.  #56Femininewoman on March 15, 2014 at 6:27 am

    155: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    I’m not able to post on the other thread, for some bizarre reason.

    On the newest thread: Syreena 42,

    I believe you are referring to someone else.

    I did not say this, nor would I ever.

    Please do not ever mistake me for someone who agrees with your view of people



  57.  #57mary on March 15, 2014 at 6:42 am

    hello!

    i’m sorry i’m not diving in here with all of y’all and getting to know you.

    i’m drifting in and out, just reading posts, doing my own thing, always learning…

    i’ve been thinking about the video in this post:

    what an amazing video, for one!
    what an amazing girl, for two!
    and i’m so happy for her.

    i’m trying to make my own qualifying list for a man.
    but i’m falling short of that task.

    you see, i’m more open minded.
    i’m not really sure who will float my boat and why.

    i like – so much – the way Rori tells us to trust our feelings. and that the externals, like – does he like snakes, or not – don’t matter as much as the way we feel when we’re with him.

    what he likes to do isn’t quite as important as who he is, you know?

    like his values.

    his demeanor.

    the way he might curl up an eyebrow when i say certain things.

    his quick come-backs.

    the things that cause him to labour.

    i’m interested in everything and just kind of need to go out to see if i’m nodding my head yes (for some reason, – sometimes unconscious) or saying no to myself.

    and i could get in trouble this way.

    i could attract and be attracted to a toxic man.

    will my feelings tell me and give me fair warning? i hope so!

    if they don’t, i’ve got a lotta work to do.

    and that would be good to know, too…



  58.  #58Syreena on March 15, 2014 at 7:03 am

    The ted video felt fun and amusing to watch.

    Loved her conclusion. She wasn’t being picky enough and didn’t listen to the advice of her Mum and Grandma.

    Stuck to her plan of knowing what she wanted and got what she wanted.

    yay to go with that one!.

    The message I heard was that she wasn’t being picky enough.

    So the message to me was be clear on what you want and don’t settle for what you don’t.



  59.  #59Syreena on March 15, 2014 at 7:25 am

    Time to go and get some coffee to help wake myself up over that error. Feel like slapping myself to wake myself up and pay more attention but no need as already felt the slap from Indigo already delivered by the hand of FW And coffee feels like a better option than a slap so nice frothy cappuccino coming up. 🙂

    42 was in reply to Love Always not Indigo.



  60.  #60Syreena on March 15, 2014 at 7:26 am

    coffee, def feels better than another slap.



  61.  #61BeLoved on March 15, 2014 at 7:37 am

    FW – overwhelm…interesting feeling…
    do you want to say more about it?



  62.  #62Femininewoman on March 15, 2014 at 8:08 am

    Maybe it was all the talking at beginning about looking at probability, numbers, algorhythm and data about the 1n 35 possible men in Philadelphia seemed like too much thinking and work that made me feel turned off and like this is too much work. I have this belief that love is supposed to be easy that maybe made her system seem like too much work to me. I dunno. I do online dating a little bit but it just doesn’t deeply appeal to me as the best way.

    I prefer meeting people or being introduced to people.



  63.  #63Kyla on March 15, 2014 at 11:08 am

    Happy Birthday Lisa!!

    WRT trust, Trust yourself! I trust me and so I choose to trust others until I’m given reason to not. I trust them to show me who they are and I trust me to be aware of where I am. I trust me to walk away from someone who breaks my trust. I trust me to honour my feelings and needs. I know I will be ok and I will take care of me no matter what happens so I can choose to trust.

    So trust yourself! xx



  64.  #64Kyla on March 15, 2014 at 11:16 am

    I loved the TED video. The math was humorous!

    What I took from it was here’s a lady who used her boy energy to get her girl exactly what she wanted. She’s picky, has a clear idea of what she wants and needs in relationship, has a clear idea of her MrRight and refused to settle for less than. She used her awareness of what is attracts men and tweaked her profile to include better pictures and positive, happy language. She let her boy lead her girl straight to happy ever after! Yay for Amy!!



  65.  #65Dominique on March 15, 2014 at 11:26 am

    Lisa – 31 – Yes your instincts were right on, yet his actions were also telling you what you already sensed, i.e him refusing to show his ID was a certain red flag.

    xxoo



  66.  #66Turquoise on March 15, 2014 at 11:35 am

    Hmmm…. So Monday Mr. Conversation said he’s getting married, and today my ex husband called the girls to tell them he is proposing. Is there something in the water?

    Not sure how I feel, but not really upset. Just feels like closing doors on my past. More proof to just look forward!

    Happy birthday Lisa!



  67.  #67Dominique on March 15, 2014 at 11:42 am

    Zia – 🙂 Love hearing your ever evolving, beautiful story.

    xxoo



  68.  #68Liquid Light on March 15, 2014 at 12:18 pm

    ((((((((((((((Lisa)))))))))))))))



  69.  #69Liquid Light on March 15, 2014 at 12:26 pm

    Last night was interesting. I went to a meet up and met a bunch of interesting people. There was a guy there who I spotted and I found attractive and before long he wondered my way and we ended up sitting together and engaging in a nice conversation. Then another woman swooped down and joined up and kinda took over. I felt like we were competing for his attention so I kinda backed off but engaged here and there. Anyway, four of us went out to dinner afterwards and she was busy getting his attention the whole time. But she had a lot of masculine energy about it and I felt like he was treating her more like a friend. (I dunno if that’s true but that was my take, maybe wishful thinking? lol) Then dinner ended and I went home without really having an opportunity to talk much more with him because of her taking over. I was kinda dumbfounded by the whole thing. I don’t really think I’ve ever had that happen to me before, at least not in a long time. I should say that he was much younger than me and there was part of me that just wasn’t taking the whole thing seriously because of his age and so not too bothered by it all but still sitting here scratching my head still…like what the hell just happened??? What do you all think, ladies?



  70.  #70BeLoved on March 15, 2014 at 2:31 pm

    FW 61 – I hear you. The way I see it is, she actually did all of the hard work!

    She loves the data and the research and did what she wanted – then shared what she discovered with others.
    She didn’t just tweak her profile, she learned very specifically what works, put it in a slide presentation, and shared it with us.

    I shurrrrrre as h3ll am not going to make up 12 fake profiles to gather data! But she did, and she passed on what she learned so now I have a better idea how to make my profile better and more clarity about what I want.

    She was pretty funny, too.
    I felt a reaction, too at first – thoughts about complicated, too hard, even some thoughts and feelings about “well that worked for her, she’s educated and has this that and the other advantage I don’t have”.
    I dunno, my resistance faded as I felt more interested in her story.

    I probably need to get even more clear on what I want a relationship for, as I am in my 40’s and not looking to have any more children, or be someone’s live-in cook and housekeeper. I can feel my resistance to thinking about it 🙂

    Feels like buzzing in the back of my throat and a shaking, “no no grrrrrr!!”

    Actually – I do have an idea of what I want and it is actually unfolding and I’ve been dragging my feet.
    I need to make a phone call…!



  71.  #71Kyla on March 15, 2014 at 4:13 pm

    I feel equally bored, giddy and intrigued answering my POF emails. I have met some really great men and love meeting new people even when if it’s just a once-off experience but emailing to get to that point bores me silly. This is the downside to online dating for me. The upside is having dates delivered to me through the ether 🙂



  72.  #72Kyla on March 15, 2014 at 4:41 pm

    Liquid Light – I don’t know what to say. That ‘competitive’ thing hasn’t happened to me since school and it always felt so icky that I would just walk away from it.



  73.  #73Femininewoman on March 15, 2014 at 5:24 pm

    Thanks BeLoved. Now I am feeling inspired to watch it.



  74.  #74LoveAlways on March 15, 2014 at 5:24 pm

    Hi Sirens!
    I’ve healed my judging guys as “dirty old men” yeah me!! I had a touching incident with an older relative when I was very young and that response stayed firm with me for a long long time. I’ve healed from that and now, as an adult I hesitate and then breathe. . . These guys are just guys! Acting like guys. Fresh? Absolutely. But there’s no issue because it’s MY CHOICE ALWAYS. So I take it as flirting and smile, responding from a better feeling place. I think I’ve got my shit together finally <3



  75.  #75LoveAlways on March 15, 2014 at 5:32 pm

    Liquid light. It goes with the territory! But it sounds like you leaned back to let him pursue. She was manipulative and guys like that because it can be taken to means she wants to move faster. Women also do that to seem interesting to guys. Sounds desperate to me, and a precursor to clinginess. I like how you observed your feeling at the time and leaned back. Isn’t it interesting though to watch other women lean forward??



  76.  #76LoveAlways on March 15, 2014 at 6:41 pm

    Llena Gwawr
    Today’s smash at dodgy spirituality is awarded to “loving yourself”.

    There is nothing wrong with being love, of course, but to many of us brought up in dualist thinking cultures the implication of the statement is that it is something you must “do” because you have worked really hard at finding the bit of you that is worthy to receive!! Nonsense!!! It is something you can “be”, something that you already are and has nothing to do with worthiness.

    The absolute is that love transforms, and if you let it, it will transform you into someone you value and respect, someone you recognise as precious and with purpose. And it will enable you to see all others in the same light.

    Loving yourself means accepting the totality of yourself and letting the light of love pour over and through you. It doesn’t mean that you actively admire and worship yourself. Furthermore the light of love can’t reach what you hide if you harbour thoughts that some part of you is “unlovable”.

    It is surrender, not effort, that allows love to grow within you.
    You cannot “try” to love yourself, you can only seek to remove all barriers within that prevent the flood of the sunlight of the spirit.

    Divine love does not love you because of who you are, it loves you because it is divine, without judgement or end.

    I really felt this today!



  77.  #77Linda on March 15, 2014 at 7:01 pm

    So… today other than having a pesky cold was a good day. It started with a nice shower and then bathing and grooming my dog. The rest was spent it with my mom. She wanted to shoe shop and I never turn that down. I do love shoes. ha! The place was packed… lots of ladies swarming around the shoes like bees visiting freshly bloomed flowers.

    I had bouts of melancholy today. I missed the good part of the companionship I enjoyed when I was with FavoriteCD. THere were lots of things I really enjoyed with him. Oddly.. opening a door to a store triggers memory of him never letting me open one for myself when he was there. I felt good to be treated like that. So I will cherish that experience as well as many others. As I have said before. It was not all bad.

    At times like I experienced today I wrestle with my decision to end the relationship..but it doesn’t last long…at the end of the day I know in my gut it is still for the best. I will just put him on the back of my horse and ride on. I get to choose. I didn’t have to settle for and accept the bad to have the good.

    I can be picky.



  78.  #78Emerson on March 15, 2014 at 9:02 pm

    16 LL
    I like your outlook! I feel open to doing more things…going out and being more social with SINGLE people …
    I love my married friends but when we go out we tend to keep to ourselves …they’re not out looking so that vibe is with us…
    I dunno…
    I need to get out more and you’re right it is a second job!
    I need to take it more seriously.
    I feel happy, I am making time to keep myself beautified…
    And I’m working on my fitness too.
    It feels good, I am taking care of my hair and nails!
    I feel like getting a spray tan too 🙂
    I also bought myself a new outfit!
    It is modern and feminine and earthy!

    I intend to practice the rori tools like magnet eyes…waterwheel…heart is pool of gold….

    In other news…
    I met a man the other day who I found very attractive on many levels…
    I found out his age later at the event I was attending by doing some investigation …he was much older than I imagined …much older than me (late 50s) but I still like him !!



  79.  #79Emerson on March 15, 2014 at 9:05 pm

    Unfortunately I will likely never see that man again but at any rate it’s good to know I can be attracted to men of different ages…



  80.  #80Emerson on March 15, 2014 at 10:32 pm

    I feel lucky to have my life in order & at least on my way to more stability …it feels good to work and even though I have two jobs I am still enjoying my life…
    I intend to make more of an effort to budget my money though…I’m getting a little sloppy now and then! Spending on fun things…



  81.  #81Indigo123 on March 15, 2014 at 11:54 pm

    LoveAlways 76,

    I really love this!

    Especially about the transformative power of love. I have seen this in my own life. In fact, I think love is the only power in this world with the true ability to change people.

    I love the idea of love being about surrender rather than effort – you just have to surrender the parts of you that you think are imperfect/unworthy to love… you don’t have to change them to allow this love to flow.



  82.  #82Indigo on March 15, 2014 at 11:55 pm

    LoveAlways 76,

    I really love this! Especially about the transformative power of love.



  83.  #83Millie on March 16, 2014 at 1:05 am

    I feel worried about my cousin….her negative voices have overtaken her. She says she wants to see a therapist…but she also says she feels like she’s lost the battle. She has goals but feels they are unattainable. Well, her logical mind knows they are attainable, but her emotional mind is full of negative voices. I told her she needs to build up her positive voices and that it might feel like she’s lying to herself, which she agreed. Even as I tried to help by offering the tools I know she seemed not to believe me. I asked her if she trusted me…she said yes but she doesn’t trust herself. I feel very worried about her…..



  84.  #84LoveAlways on March 16, 2014 at 5:23 am

    ((((Millie))))



  85.  #85Femininewoman on March 16, 2014 at 7:14 am

    ((((((((((Millie’s cousin)))))))))))))



  86.  #86Femininewoman on March 16, 2014 at 7:15 am

    Yayy you Emerson



  87.  #87Linda on March 16, 2014 at 8:26 am

    My journey toward the happiness I desire seems so long. It often feels fruitless, especially on days when I feel tired, frustrated and harsh toward myself. On those days I often find myself thinking, wishing that I had made all different decisions in my life….but it is only because I do not have what I want in my life right now. I often spend time trying to unweave it all imagining how my life would be all different and better and I would be happy now. What am I doing??? I know there are no “do overs” yet I regularly let my discontent and frustrations and thoughts…drive me to wishful thinking do over land where I meet my familiar companions fear, regret and accuser. So there I stand with one foot there and one foot in todays possibility totally off balance, utterly frozen with indecision, while frantically clinging at the tiny shreds of things from my past that feel secure and offer proven wellness.

    My reality in all this is… if I were back at that moment in time I would still do what I did because it seemed best at the time. This morning I making my peace with that part of me. I see clearly that this part of me has prevented me from moving forward in my life. That piece of me has made peace elusive. The version of me without my self judging hat on feels so much better. I feel in a safer, kinder place with myself.

    There now with these thoughts and revelations written down… I can walk away from and have quieted the noise this has been making inside me so I can hear my heart and what it is saying again. I think I will rest here a while and see what this shift in me brings.



  88.  #88Linda on March 16, 2014 at 9:55 am

    out of noise comes a sweet silence… out of chaos comes order



  89.  #89Femininewoman on March 16, 2014 at 11:09 am

    ((((((((Linda))))))))



  90.  #90Liquid Light on March 16, 2014 at 11:30 am

    Another interesting night. I went to a singles dance and it was a man frenzy. I was talking to and dancing with a bunch of different men all night long. At one point, a guy that I had noticed who was very attractive and well dressed, ended up standing near where I was talking to another man. We had smiled at each other a few times, and when the man I was talking to went to the bar for a glass of water, the attractive man immediately approached me and slipped me his card and said “Call me” and walked off! So the other man turns around from the bar and I had someone’s card in my hand! The whole night was like that, as soon as I stopped talking to and dancing with someone another man approached me. What a crazy night! But sadly I’m not really that excited about any of them. The attractive one seems like a player and the others were sort of not that appealing for different reasons. It was still a fun night though and it was nice to have all of that attention.



  91.  #91Femininewoman on March 16, 2014 at 1:23 pm

    Liquid Light one thing I learned from Lauren Frances – when a man slips you a card, write your number on the back of it and slip it right back to him. Otherwise crush it and throw it in the garbage before you leave to avoid the temptation of calling him. The guy might not be a player, we don’t know, but giving you his card and telling you to call him is putting you squarely in the masculine role of chaser.



  92.  #92Kyla on March 16, 2014 at 3:02 pm

    I’m really enjoying dating lately but still feeling relationship shy. I find the men are far more interested in me and wanting exclusivity, meeting kids, sex too soon for my comfort levels. RR tools work too well me thinks. It all feels so rushed and intense. My past relationships always started as friendships and I guess I want that again.. I do like the practice though.

    I feel really unsure how to handle CDing with kids. Most of these guys are ready to meet kids or want to come to my house after 3 or 4 dates and are really offended when I say I don’t want to mix dating and kids. The kids know I’m dating but I don’t want a line of strange men walking through their lives! I also don’t want to guarded or use them to keep up walls. I feel so confused.

    Any suggestions?



  93.  #93Helena Hart on March 16, 2014 at 3:43 pm

    Kyla – 92 – What you said was brilliant: “The kids know I’m dating but I don’t want a line of strange men walking through their lives! I also don’t want to guarded or use them to keep up walls. I feel so confused.”

    Could you say a version of that to the men you’re dating? Something like, “It feels great spending time with you and getting to know you. My kids know I’m dating but it feels a little soon to be introducing them to a new man. What do you think?” – and see what he says and let him solve the problem.

    You could also throw in, “I don’t want to be guarded” – that’s being 100% authentic while sticking to what feels good to you. How does that feel to you?

    Love, Helena



  94.  #94Linda on March 16, 2014 at 4:51 pm

    These last two comments are quite helpful to me.

    This was a huge issue for me in the last relationship I was in.



  95.  #95Kyla on March 16, 2014 at 5:07 pm

    Helena, thank you! I like that; it’s my truth.



  96.  #96Helena Hart on March 16, 2014 at 5:08 pm

    Linda – 94 – I’m glad that was helpful! If you ever need any specific help with scripting let me know. 🙂 I’m sure everyone here can help.

    Love, Helena



  97.  #97Helena Hart on March 16, 2014 at 5:10 pm

    Kyla – 95 – You’re welcome! You could try experimenting with different scripts and see which one feels the best and most authentic for you.

    Love, Helena



  98.  #98Kyla on March 16, 2014 at 5:23 pm

    I can’t stop crying. My dad just sent a text saying I’m the most remarkable person and he’s very proud of me. I don’t know where that came from but I so needed to hear it. I’ve been feeling like I’m messing everything up and now I’m completely floored.



  99.  #99LoveAlways on March 16, 2014 at 7:05 pm

    Indigo

    That really struck me deeply too. Jumped out off the page at me and I felt it in my heart.



  100.  #100Tereana on March 16, 2014 at 7:09 pm

    Kyla, that’s so great! What a nice thing to hear from your dad! : )

    LoveAlways – 76: I really enjoyed that…



  101.  #101Tereana on March 16, 2014 at 7:29 pm

    Every day with M still is interesting. He seems to have a way of zeroing in on my flaws such that it makes me uncomfortable. And I feel annoyed that he’ll notice. But then I’ll also observe the fact that I only feel annoyed because these are flaws about me and my life that I actually don’t like. And I often feel “helpless.” But probably there is a lot I can do about them. I’ve just never felt successful.

    So I’ll get vulnerable here and just say it:

    1) my skin. My skin has verb problematic since I was young. I had rampant teenage acne that made me feel unlovable and ugly. That’s been a hard feeling to shake. Especially since, even though it is mostly gone, I still get small blemishes on an almost constant basis. It’s a question of managing, for me, rather than ‘curing,’ because my skin doesn’t seem to want to heal. And yes, I’ve tried almost everything, and a lot of it unpleasant. I’m not really looking for skincare suggestions here. I am just stating that this is an area in which I feel raw and vulnerable. Because as hard ad I worked for many years to clear my skin, nothing’s ever succeeded completely. And I lie to myself that I accept this. The truth is, I loved my soft, beautiful skin, before I had acne. And I swore that I would have beautiful skin as an adult. And now that is not true, and it feels impossible : ( I will always have these tiny little scars and the odd red bump : ( and I tell myself, too – I believe this and suspect that others do, too, that my skin issues are a result of there being something wrong with me. That, and having bad skin makes me *feel* liked there is something wrong with me. I wish I could start over. But of course that’s not possible…

    2) finance. Again, this is an agreement I made with myself when I was young – that I wouldn’t be caught in a “poverty trap” like my parents, and that I would have enough money to live comfortably (not opulently, just well), so that my children would never have to feel bad about needing simple things, like I did. Things like clothes, shoes, food and hairbrushes brought up a lot of anxiety, because we always has to buy cheap, and I could never have as much as I wanted. And my parents always worked. They always made money. It just wasn’t enough.

    And here I am, a full-grown woman, utterly devastated, embarrassed, ashamed and bewildered to find myself in almost the EXACT same position. Except that I’m not married and I don’t have kids (yet). I kind of feel like I can’t do those things until I solve this issue. It feels like a puzzle that has a solution. I just need to find what works FOR ME – and I haven’t done it yet. I just don’t want a “man” to solve it for me. That’s one option, obviously. But I’m stubborn. And independent. And I would rather have the satisfaction of knowing that I could do it, than letting someone else take the weight of the burden I’ve created.

    One helpful thought: since I’ve managed to keep myself alive (just barely) by treading water and carrying more debt than I can really handle – imagine what kind of muscles I’ll have when I no longer have debt!!! Yeah. That’s one thing that’s keeping me going right now. That, and me telling myself, I CAN do this. And thinking of all the things people have said about me or implied about me that I would like to prove wrong.

    M had said that he’s proud of me for some things I’ve accomplished. That feels good. I feel like letting that feeling take me into something else that I can be proud of, too…



  102.  #102Kyla on March 16, 2014 at 7:44 pm

    Tereana – Thank you. And I hear you on the skin and finances completely. I got through my teens believing my skin would be beautiful again when I hit my 20s but now I’m in my 30’s and just noticing wrinkles as well as breakouts.

    There’s a saying that love brings up everything unlike itself. I remember that with R. I felt so self-conscious about so much as we got closer. I think its a good sign. And your vulnerability is powerful.



  103.  #103Andrea on March 16, 2014 at 7:56 pm

    Oh yes. RR tools definitely working.
    I had 3 different experiences this past week with men and dating.

    #1: I was out two weeks ago on a Friday night with a couple of girlfriends. A man came up to us and I felt he was speaking directly to me with his flirtations and asking us if he could buy us a drink.

    I said, “I feel so flattered. But we are having a girls night tonight. I would feel very excited to hear from you sometime in the future.” And I handed him my card.

    A girlfriend of mine took over the conversation from that point and monopolized his attention and even chose to stay with him after the group of us left that place to go to another spot. I was curious how that would turn out, but after that night didn’t give it another thought.

    Tonight, all these days later, he called me, reminded me who he was, and actually asked me out on a proper date. I feel good about having expressed my boundaries that night, leaned back but gave him an “in” with me, and let it go.

    Awesome lesson for me. I was nice, polite, and showed him my interest by giving him my card; but I was also not too chasey or needy. I showed him that I was happy with my plans that night and wasn’t going to switch up just because a man noticed me.
    These business cards are turning out to be a wonderful dating prop.

    #2: A guy from my highschool days found me on facebook. We’ve been chatting back and forth. He was so excited to reunite with me that he wanted to drive the four hours from his city to come and see me and take me on a date.
    Now I was excited as well, but nervous because I didn’t want him to think he could stay over night with me.

    He texted me and asked if this coming Friday would work out. Once more, I had to just be honest with him and let go of the outcome.

    I texted him back: “I feel so excited and giddy with anticipation to see you and next weekend feels great to me. But I feel awkward as well and hesitant to invite you to drive all this way because I’m not sure where you could stay. I feel uncomfortable offering my home because my daughters don’t know you. I’m sorry. I feel happy and so turned on by the prospect of seeing you but I don’t know how to work out all the logistics of everything. What do you think?”

    He texted back : “I totally understand and for me, getting a hotel is not going to be a problem. I really want to see you and take you out.”
    WooHoo!! : ) I am excited about this.

    #3: On Friday night I was home alone. I’d gone to Happy Hour already with some girlfriends of mine and now was content to be home for the night.
    A facebook pal of mine messaged me and asked what I was doing? I told him I felt relaxed and happy. There was a band I had wanted to see at (local bar) but I felt uncomfortable driving. And that’s all I said.
    He texted me: “Let me take you out. I’ll come pick you up in two hours.”
    Okay… I felt cool with that. It was casual. We’d never flirted before. He’s just a pal. So I figured this would not be a date. I even had him stop at the atm so I could get cash in order to buy my own drinks.
    But.. I also thought it would be fun to simply practice the feeling statements on a guy pal and see how things would turn out.
    I tell you.. from the moment he picked me up I was all gushy and simmering with feminine energy. I said, “Oh Joe, I feel so wonderful tonight. I wanted to go out but didn’t want to drive. You came to my rescue.”
    As the night went along he became more and more protective and possessive of me. He bought my drinks and even took me to midnight breakfast later that night. At the end, when he dropped me back off, he told me that he wanted to take me out Saturday as well.
    He said he’s always liked me but he never knew I was so open and approachable. We shared a kiss in my lobby then I went upstairs.

    Saturday came and he texted me through out the day but never mentioned going out. Finally around seven pm he called me and asked what I was doing? I told him honestly, “Oh it feels so wonderful to hear from you. I have plans to spend the evening with my daughters and have a quiet night at home. Oh Joe.. I had such a wonderful night last night. I appreciate how you took care of me and just made me feel pretty and protected all night long. You really know how to take care of a woman!”
    He said, “I want to take you out again.”
    Today, Sunday, he texted me at 3:00 pm.. “I’m going to the Green Mill for appetizers. Come join me.”

    I texted back, “Oh Joe, I’m feeling so blushy that you’re thinking about me. I’m excited and so turned on anticipating the next time we can get together, but last minute notice does not work well for me. I already have plans for the rest of this afternoon and evening. I feel so happy that you texted and am looking forward to you asking me out on a date sometime.”
    He texted back, “I’m sorry. Yes, sometimes a decision on a whim does not work out.”
    And that’s all he said.
    So I texted back, “And sometimes it does work out. I definitely prefer to have a plan but I feel so flattered and wonderful that you were thinking about me. So have fun this afternoon… just not too much fun with out me!”
    Right away he texted back asking me out for a dinner date tomorrow night… If I’m available! : ) He texted, “I have to admit that you have spoiled all fun for me if I can’t be having it with you.”
    I definitely AM available. I gushed how happy I am. And I told him, “Wow, you have great taste in venue and music. I just found out that (this specific band I like) is playing a St. Paddy’s Day special appearance tomorrow night. (at the place he asked me out to) You really know how to make me happy!”
    He texted me later and told me, “You make me feel like a school boy again. Thank you for occupying my mind and making it a better place to be.”
    Heehee… Wow…



  104.  #104Daria on March 16, 2014 at 7:59 pm

    wow Kyla 🙂



  105.  #105Daria on March 16, 2014 at 8:04 pm

    I feel alil bit scared …. I actually really like and do actively admire and worship myself… it feels fun

    i feel sad



  106.  #106Daria on March 16, 2014 at 8:08 pm

    Wow Andrea… you really have feminine communication skills

    i feel excited and turned on anticipating the next time im gonna text your words to a guy hehe… you really know how to make me happy 😉



  107.  #107Kyla on March 16, 2014 at 8:15 pm

    Andrea you are amazing! Thank you for sharing.. wow! So good 🙂



  108.  #108Daria on March 16, 2014 at 8:18 pm

    Tereana – Margaret Lynch Wealth EFT videos talk about when we vow to not be like our parents money wise, and how fighting that actulally attracts that situation so we can keep fighting it

    I have the videos from teh program uploaded to my google drive and they are tap alongable:

    https://drive.google.com/folderview?id=0BwAY-kwYXZkYOWtsR29pTm5UTU0&usp=sharing

    the one about that particular vow was 1st chakra…

    these videos always feel fast and powerful to me and my thinking and perception altered after each time



  109.  #109Andrea on March 16, 2014 at 8:23 pm

    Haha… today I actually texted this to a man when he texted me, “What you up to?”

    Me: I feel so relaxed and enjoying this great weather. I’m laying on my soft white comforter and letting the cool fresh air make my room feel like spring again. I might take a little cozy nap.”

    He texted back: Jee, you have a way with words. It makes me actually enjoy doing what you are doing. I feel close to you.

    (I thought to myself how uncomfortable I was a while ago with the feeling messages. But then I realized that it’s for me. I just deeply deeply enjoy sharing my Right Now moments. I feel poetic and romantic when I’m sharing this. And I realized… oh wow… I’m doing this more for me, because I enjoy it, than I am doing it because men seem to respond to it. And that just made me feel so full of joy. Now it seems like the happier I am, the more comfortable I am, the more relaxed I am, the better men really do respond to me. The feeling messages make me feel happy. That happiness shines through. And more men want to be around me.)

    It’s a mood lifter for me. And my girlfriends keep going, “How are you getting all these dates?”



  110.  #110Helena Hart on March 16, 2014 at 9:27 pm

    Tereana – 101 – I can really relate to what you said. I had horrible skin problems for years, and it made me want to hide and I felt there was something wrong with me, just like you described.

    Years later I was also with a man who seemed to always point out my flaws – not in a mean way, but it was hard to not take it personally since I was already sensitive to them. It really just showed me how critical and hard he was on himself.

    Later I learned that the more vulnerable I let myself be, the more masculine-energy men I attracted (even though I still had an overwhelming urge to hide which I had to work through, and it’s still hard sometimes!). Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in feeling that way, and I think it’s amazing that you were able to be vulnerable enough to share that!

    Love, Helena



  111.  #111Indigo on March 16, 2014 at 9:46 pm

    Yay, I can post again!

    I wanted to say to Kyla 92, I know what you mean.

    I sometimes think Rori’s tools work a little too well. I have found with the last 5 or 6 guys I have dated they have pretty much wanted to be in full-on relationship mode and integrate themselves into my life after maybe 2 – 4 dates.

    Unfortunately this seems to set off my emotional unavailability alarm within myself and I tend to find myself withdrawing a little emotionally.

    This question of how to pace a relationship correctly when the guy is going h*ll for leathers towards you is an art form I am working on this year! 🙂



  112.  #112Indigo on March 16, 2014 at 9:50 pm

    Feminine Woman re: online dating,

    I feel as you do. I tend to find I am more guarded with men I meet online. Whereas if it’s someone I’ve met through a friend, or known in some capacity before we start dating I am able to share myself more easily emotionally and let them a little closer. I’m able to be more authentic with my feelings. I don’t know why.

    I am naturally private and guarded about myself, and meeting men online just doesn’t seem to bypass this. I think I’d have to spend so much time getting to know them that most of them would get impatient and move on!



  113.  #113Emerson on March 16, 2014 at 10:31 pm

    Hi sirens thank you all for sharing your stories and your scripts. I feel empowered and inspired by them! And it also makes me feel like I’m not alone in this siren journey…so thank you all for that!!

    I bought some more cute, flowy, feminine clothes and I notice I feel less prickly just wearing them! It only takes a little effort to turn around my confidence and I have a tendency to be shy especially when I’m feelif self conscious about my hair, clothes etc….
    But now that I’m taking better care of myself I feel more open and confident!
    I feel sad sometimes that I’m alone but I also feel good that I’m not in an unhappy marriage and I also know I have so much to feel thankful for!!!
    I feel open to meet a GOOD MAN!!!



  114.  #114Emerson on March 16, 2014 at 10:34 pm

    I have been cding myself!
    I cut things off with recycledCD & I feel really angry at him.
    Also I have not heard from exoticCD in about a week and I don’t care. He only offers me to come to his house and not proper dates and I’m just tired of telling him over and over I don’t want to. He just wants sex apparently so he can go find it somewhere else with his low effort style. I feel turned off and bored!



  115.  #115Emerson on March 16, 2014 at 10:35 pm

    I need some fresh new people in my life!



  116.  #116Emerson on March 16, 2014 at 11:42 pm

    I feel happy and relaxed.
    I feel hopeful for new romance.
    I refuse to give up.
    I intend to focus on positive forces in my life.
    I noticed over the weekend that some of my close girlfriends are very sour when it comes to relationships…some ads single and some are in relationships ,, but they are “sour” and pessimistic/unhealthy and bitter …
    Hmm I need to consider how much time I spend wit those friends…I feel bad saying that!



  117.  #117Millie on March 17, 2014 at 12:41 am

    Emerson I feel the same way…. I feel I need fresh people in my life. I need to find new social circles. I was thinking About the kind of man I truly want and where can I place myself to meet him…. Which made me think I need to make a list like Amy of all my requirements so I can narrow down where a man, or at least people who I want to surround myself with, exist. I feel a bit lonely. I think my biggest negative voice to overcome is the one that says: No one wants you around.



  118.  #118Millie on March 17, 2014 at 12:48 am

    Wow Andrea !!!! I am in complete awe of you.



  119.  #119Kyla on March 17, 2014 at 1:34 am

    OMG I feel so excited about a new CD. 3 dates and a few long phone chats so far and each time neither of us notice the time slipping away and he never wants to say goodbye. He ticks all my ‘must haves’ and all my ‘would be awesome ifs’! and for bonus points he’s gorgeous, tall and close to my age too!! He’s really into me and it feels so delicious.

    Tonight he called before his game and immediately after it he text to say I’m his lucky charm, he walked into the locker room with a huge silly grin, played the best game of his life and all he wanted to do was get back to his phone to let me know. We ended up talking all night. I feel wonderful. I feel ignited. I feel so relaxed in my body too.

    And he said he’s ok about me not wanting to introduce kids yet so long as I don’t still feel that way by this time next year lol so thank you for the scripting Helena!



  120.  #120Linda on March 17, 2014 at 4:17 am

    Well it is monday 6:30AM in my part of the world. I have been at work for 45 minutes now.

    It is not busy here at work today. It will probably feel like it passes at a snails pace.

    I often find my thoughts drifting to things I encountered in my last relationship. In an effort to reconcile or more accurately discern my feelings about them and file them away. Unfortunately it is a part of me that I cant seem to derail, so I try to put it to good use for my future encounters and experiences.

    For some reason as I walked in to unlock the building for work I felt anger flare up at a memory from my birthday last year. It was at that time I could pinpoint when the first time I felt shakey and emotionally self protective with him. It was the first of many many times.

    That is the precise center of why the relationship failed. Emotionally … he was like a bull in my china shop. I could not connect and be ‘in love”. I am glad to know this about myself. At times I feel really stupid that I did not go the first time it happened…but that is being harsh on myself. I took that hat off yesterday.



  121.  #121Tereana on March 17, 2014 at 4:39 am

    Ok, and now it’s truth time about M: I have doubts.

    I don’t always feel perfect with him

    I’ve seen him be judgmental of others and feel he might be judging me, too. (That’s often why I get anxious about his questions. I perceive a possible judgment based on my answers.)

    I find it hard to talk about “real things”

    I worry he could be possessive even though he says he isn’t

    He might invalidate my experience

    He’s never had sex, but he’s seen a lot of p*rn. I tried telling him that watching videos isn’t the same as when real people have sex. I think he only kind of heard me. Then he asked me if I was “clean shaved.” I got upset. I nearly told him to leave.

    I’m not sure about him. But I’m sure about this:

    The last time I was in a similar situation (engaged), and I “wasn’t sure” and had doubts, I broke it off, and then I was more than miserable. I was bereft and realized only then how much I had wanted that relationship.

    And so, I think the same could be true here: I want this relationship. I’m not perfect. He’s not perfect. It’s not perfect in all ways. But it’s a relationship. And now I’m seeing how it becomes even MORE important that I practice the tools with him – in and out of his presence. Because he needs it, and I need it. And what I mean when I say “he needs it,” is that I need to be relaxed in order to be my best self. And he needs that also. Perhaps to an equal degree.

    So, I’m not breaking up with him, even though I’ve felt like it on several occasions. These are my fears talking. And I need to look them in the face and tell them they CANNOT have my relationship. And they are not allowed to boot my sweetie out.

    They need a cookie…



  122.  #122Linda on March 17, 2014 at 5:25 am

    Terena: From the things you are sharing.. it evokes a uneasy feeling in me. I had lots of glitches in my last relationship. I hung in there because I wanted the relationship. It was so many of the things that I wanted but it was so hard all the time. I practiced the tools and some went away but the vast majority of them never really changed they morphed but were still there.

    Dominique wisely said to ask myself… “can you accept and live with this man just as he is if nothing every changed” My honest answer was no. So while I hung in there learned more about myself. In the end had to accept that it was a “not good for me” relationship.

    I miss the good things… it was not all bad by any means… I just want a relationship like that without me having to be concerned when the next round issues would be brought up. It simply wore me out.

    I wish you the best in your journey and love yourself first always



  123.  #123Shannon P. on March 17, 2014 at 5:39 am

    Tereana,

    I support whatever you choose. However, I do want to state what I heard. I heard you dismissing red flags. That feels worrisome to me, because I’ve come to care about the ladies here, including you.

    I’ve been sort of seeing this guy, who I have told point-blank that I don’t want him in a relationship way. I am not attracted to him. He’s physically very unappealing to me, but it’s not only that.

    We spent the day on Saturday. Since he’s just a friend, I felt fine taking Kira with us to do fun stuff… that was sort of what the day was about. That day, I told him that I like to sleep in on the weekends, even if I’m not actually asleep, I just like to lie in and not do anything.

    Yesterday, he called me at 8 am! I felt really angry. I had JUST told him the day before that I didn’t like to be awakened on the weekends, and he called at 8!

    There was a time when I would have dismissed that. I would have just dealt with it, not considered it to be something about him that ‘disqualified’ him. I would have tried to ‘overcome my own reluctance’ because he really has a lot of great qualities.

    But he’s on his best behavior, and it became clear yesterday that he was trying still to ‘win me’. Now, this is a guy who is trying to ‘win me’, and he DID NOT LISTEN TO ME about something I made absolutely clear was VERY important to me. Regardless of the fact that I’ve already put him into the “No, but thank you” category… this says something about him.

    He should be on his BEST behavior… and his BEST behavior is to call me when I specifically and clearly and unequivocably stated was time I did NOT want to be called.

    Your M is on his BEST behavior. His BEST behavior is to demand that you be “clean shaved” because porn stars are. Now, I’m sorry, but personally, that is offensive when a person’s NOT supposed to be on his best behavior.

    He’s supposed to be on his best behavior, but he mentioned your skin problems?? He sits there in front of you and judges other people harshly… on his BEST behavior?

    I don’t know. Personally I hear you saying that sometimes it’s so great that you’re willing to put up with someone who’s doing these things… and I think you deserve better. I think you deserve a guy whose best behavior isn’t offensive.

    That’s my personal thing, though. I just want to say that sometimes we ignore intuition because we label as “the nasty voice” when really it’s our own heart saying, “Wait. As lovely as it feels sometimes… there are things here that aren’t up to my standards.”

    I just hope that you’re not letting chemistry and infatuation blind you to the fact that this guy is doing this stuff while on his BEST BEHAVIOR and in “winning her mode”.

    If you truly feel it’s your nasty voice and not your intuition, I support you fully. I just would feel like a bad friend if I didn’t say that I HEAR red flags here. Of course, I’m not there, so I can only hear what you’re saying when you’re feeling afraid, so please take what I say with that knowledge fully in mind.

    *HUGS* You amaze me, Tereana. I admire you greatly, you are definitely a rock star siren, in my book.



  124.  #124LoveAlways on March 17, 2014 at 5:55 am

    Andrea 109
    That is so awesome how your feeling messaged flow! I could feel spring time too lol



  125.  #125Kyla on March 17, 2014 at 6:18 am

    I wish I could feel springtime! It’s -18 today and I’m feeling stiff and cold surrounded by sparkling, hard ice and dirty, heaped snow.



  126.  #126Liquid Light on March 17, 2014 at 9:13 am

    Wow Kyla 117, that sounds amazing! Excited for you!!!



  127.  #127BeLoved on March 17, 2014 at 9:51 am

    New post up – and – FW, thank you for the ideas about how to handle a man giving me his card! I could see a whole host of missed possibilities in the past…so simple and so perfect!

    Andrea, thanks again for mentioning handing out your cards, I finally got off my butt and made some for myself and I love them.

    I feel better that I took some action 🙂
    Now to take some action in other areas of my life…! Yikes.



  128.  #128Kyla on March 17, 2014 at 10:05 am

    Thank you so much Liquid Light! I feel like an excited exciteable little girl. I’m not thinking ahead but I really need to soak up the feel good moments. He said he didn’t sleep from thinking of me and was going crazy waiting the 2 hours for me to reply to his good morning text. Then he sent a picture of his huge smile and played it down as dorky lol. Aww it feels so good to have a really great man smitten with me 🙂



  129.  #129Dominique on March 17, 2014 at 10:07 am

    Andrea – 103 – This is fantastic!!! Your scripting is superb. YAY you!!!

    xxoo



  130.  #130Dominique on March 17, 2014 at 10:12 am

    Emerson – 114 – “I feel happy and relaxed.
    I feel hopeful for new romance.
    I refuse to give up.
    I intend to focus on positive forces in my life.”

    YES!!! And one day it WILL show up. If it happened for me, it certainly will for you.

    xxoo



  131.  #131Femininewoman on March 17, 2014 at 10:48 am

    Tereana I like your attitude about your relationship. I didn’t like him asking if you were clean shaved. I felt offended. I heard a voice in my head saying he might be clueless. That could be wanting to make an excuse for him so I say sit with yourself and go back to the moment when he said it to you. See how you felt. See if you were able to share your authentic feelings with him. See if you felt comfortable doing it and if you felt heard or sensed his willingness to change to make you happy. When you got upset did you get a sense of how he fights?

    Your last words suggest that you are in a place where you “choose relationship”. I think that is good because I believe it will allow you to really sink in and feel, also to be aware of what’s happening so you can be clear if this is the relationship you want or another one. I do believe you can shift the relationship from one kind to another without necessarily changing to a new man. That is if the man can shift; if he can dance.

    I really admire your resolve in those last few lines of your post. I didn’t get the sense that you were settling or talking yourself into staying. I got a sense of commitment to yourself and I think that is great.



  132.  #132Liquid Light on March 17, 2014 at 12:07 pm

    OMG Kyla that sounds so great!!! I am so happy for you!!! YAY!!!!!



  133.  #133Tereana on March 17, 2014 at 2:30 pm

    Thank you, wow – Linda and Shannon P. your feedback is amazing and really helpful.

    Linda, I’m reading your stories sometimes and seeing how they match up to my experience now, and wondering if there is anything I should watch out for.

    Now, to be clear, he simply asked the question about being “clean-shaved,” and it came directly after a discussion about p*orn. I felt it as being very inappropriate and I told him so. He didn’t make a recommendation or say that I had to be. He just asked if I was. And I didn’t tell him anything.

    The thing about that is that I get that nearly his entire sexual experience is about porn. I know that, for me to have good sex, it needs to be as NOT like porn as possible. And it’s entirely possible that, when or if we do have sex, he will be in the moment and not try to recreate a p*rn scene. It worries me that many men who watch a lot of p*rn – if they consider that “sexual education” will get the idea that reducing a woman to a body in the context of sex is the right thing to do. Nothing could be further from the truth. But it’s not their fault, and they just need to be “educated” otherwise, I’d say. And so, my plan, what I’ve been thinking, is that if we ever got as far as planning to get married, that I’d have to require that we talk to someone – like a rabbi that I trust – who, besides me, can help him understand that sex in marriage is a totally different picture from two people getting it on for a camera.

    And also, he didn’t actively point out my skin issues. He asked about one dry spot on my scalp, which mystifies me, and even a dermatologist had no good suggestions about it. I am the one who notices my skin problems. And I am the one who self-judges, maybe peremptorily. I’m afraid he will focus on them, but it’s just a social grace that he doesn’t have. Lol. And I’m the one who hates it, whether he notices or not…



  134.  #134Tereana on March 17, 2014 at 2:45 pm

    As to the question of whether I can live with these things, even if they never changed, so far, the answer is “yes.” Because it all other ways, he is heart-centered, he expresses a desire to please me and to learn how to do that better.

    And every now and then, he’ll come out with stuff like this:

    Yesterday, I cried, twice. Once while we were talking about sex (and I felt confused and challenged about my feelings). And once when I started talking about having kids. I didn’t see that one coming, but I couldn’t stop it. Lol. And both times, he just held me and stroked my hair.

    Today, he texted that a woman’s tears contain the depth of the ocean.

    I said yes, that’s probably true. And the ocean is huge and beautiful and it’s where all life comes from, and I like to swim in the ocean like a mermaid.

    Yesterday, when I asked him what was really important about having a Gf or a relationship, he said “emotional connection.” And I know that’s what he feels with me.

    I suspect the reason I feel bad when he brings up sex in certain ways is that, for him, sex isn’t connected to emotion (yet). Or it might be, but he doesn’t know how to experience the two together. (Again – yet.) Also, my triggers, which have nothing to do with him.

    I don’t want to ignore red flags. But I don’t want to throw away the baby with the bath water, either.

    Which is why I’m here to talk it out, and remember that I can leave – always.

    And he doesn’t call when I don’t want him to. I wish he would call more. Lol. So today I asked him, told him I prefer it, and he asked me the best time to call.

    Rori says we want a Living Relationship, right? “Living,” to me, means he’s not static, and neither am I. And I can’t give him all the power (as I am apt to do). But I can give him his and remember what is in my power to do.

    It’s the good things he does that keeps me present. And we’ll see. Because I do remember S and how he felt. I don’t know what’s right. S is not really a “relationship guy.” Lol. But sometimes my fears do masquerade as “my gut.” And when I follow those impulses (like, “ah, you hurt me, I need to break up with you – now!”), I am always unhappy.

    Plus, it seems like no small thing that has fallen in love with me. If he is wrecking his boat on my sireny goodness, it seems like the best thing I could do would be to honor that while doing what I can to stay true to myself…



  135.  #135Tereana on March 17, 2014 at 2:47 pm

    I use too many words. I’m trying be more concise. I haven’t done it yet. Lol



  136.  #136Tereana on March 17, 2014 at 2:51 pm

    Today, I had an amazing experience, just for me. I was taking a walk, and all of a sudden, I just had this urge and sensation to just let go of a load of pain. And it wasn’t like a big deal. I just felt it kind of release and float gently away.

    I don’t know what the pain was about. It was packaged up tightly and tied with rope. And I imagined what was inside was all the pain that’s connected to all the things I react to strongly. And I realized that I’ve been holding into that pain, and clinging tightly to it over the years, like a life raft. But it was really a dead weight and keeping me from moving and breathing freely.

    And I just decided and gave myself permission to release. I feel so much lighter now : )



  137.  #137Emerson on March 17, 2014 at 9:18 pm

    134 wow tereana !!!



  138.  #138Emerson on March 17, 2014 at 9:21 pm

    Sirens I feel a mix of things right now…
    Mostly just focused on my work right now and feeling good about it.
    Feeling a little frustrated with my eating habits.
    I’m not as disciplined as I want to be.



  139.  #139Emerson on March 17, 2014 at 9:22 pm

    134 tereana that is amazing and thank you for your wonderful description ….



  140.  #140Sarah Lee on March 18, 2014 at 2:12 am

    It is absolutely up to us to decide when we should be getting married! We should be having all the freedom, and not be forced to give in to the family’s will to stand for what ever they decide – be it for the traditional groom hunting thing or seeking the help of a professional matchmaking service



  141.  #141Rori Raye on March 18, 2014 at 8:48 am

    Sarah, I’m letting this link go through because I think matchmaking services are great – perhaps this will give some ideas…Love, Rori



  142.  #142Senior Lady Vibe on March 23, 2014 at 2:32 pm

    I’ll watch Webb’s video later but I read her book last year. It’s well written and a valuable read. I recommend it for women who are serious about developing a relationship leading to a romantic life partnership/marriage.

    SLV
    xoxo



  143.  #143Christina M on April 18, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    I am having an issue with the guy I was dating for one year. It all started when he initiated being intimate and I refused. Both of us are very religious but sometimes he wanted to overlook the whole “sex only in marriage” agreement and convince me to give in. We were intimate before but had since agreed to hold off until we were married. Marriage was on the table but here’s the issue. He is not yet divorced and was not when we started dating. Now he is telling me he wants to wait until his divorce is finalized. It angers me because he wants to be friends AND be able to communicate with other females online. I told him if this was what he wanted I was not going to wait for him and I wanted to see other people. He got angry because he still wants to text and call me everyday “as a friend” and I feel so sad and angry when I get any response from him. I simply do not know what to do. Should I remain friends with him or just walk away? Tell him never to text or call me until he knows what he wants? He wants to remain in contact with me and even take me out but should I? Even after how it makes me feel? I feel so confused!