More About What to Say to Him When You Don’t Want To Be Just Friends

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blokenheartThis whole business of what to do after a breakup (especially if it’s a really unclear breakup, with no closure, and you’re feeling frustrated about all the things that didn’t get said on top of the grief and pain your feeling), when he keeps trying to call you and wants to be “friends” with you even though it causes you even MORE grief and pain and frustration – actually can open up a real, specific and huge opportunity to change a big piece of the attitude that’s not working for you here and shift it more in the direction of your inner “diva” (the good diva part).

Here’s a letter from Jane, who’s stuck in this tiny place where you’re still concerned about how what you do and say will “land” with him than you are about what you really want:

“Rori, I get what you say about not being friends with a man after a breakup if you still have feelings for him, but I don’t know what to say if and when he calls. I guess I should say I don’t want to be friends? What should I say as the reason why? Your last newsletter (If You Love Him Don’t Be a Friend) took a load off my mind, because that’s what I was worried about, falling into that trap of friends with benefits, and your explanation is dead on. I already told him when he dumped me that I didn’t see any reason to be friends, but then he texted the next day saying we can be friends after a while. So, I imagine I’ll hear from him at some point, and I want to know whether to ignore his calls, or pick up the phone- and if I don’t want to be friends, just what to say. Thanks, Jane”

Here’s my answer:

Jane, I think that this piece from your email: “I guess I should say I don’t want to be friends? What should I say as the reason why?” is crucial to the attitude I want you to change.

You’re so used to EXPLAINING everything.

The thing is – you don’t NEED a reason to do ANYTHING in a romantic relationship.

Relationships are about FEELINGS, not logic.

You are still looking here for the effect, the affect, the result, the outcome – and what HE will think, feel, etc.

Once you get clear on whether or not you want a friendship with benefits with a man, or simply a friendship…because it either feels good or it feels bad….or the good outweighs the bad or vice-versa – you do THAT.

You can simply not pick up the phone. You can hang up on him if you don’t like the way the phone call is doing. All you ever need to say is “I don’t want…” No reason necessary.

The explanation is just – “Because I don’t want to. It doesn’t feel good.”

That’s it. “I want a full-out serious relationship, anything less doesn’t feel good, that’s it.”

Can you see how you’re constantly second-guessing yourself and trying to work things out?

Please just settle into yourself and focus on what you want, how it feels, and make decisions simply in the moment based on that.

Stop trying to INFLUENCE him.

The more you seek to influence a man, the less real connection you will get.

Love, Rori

248 Comments

  1.  #1Kay on January 16, 2010 at 9:50 pm

    “Stop trying to INFLUENCE him.

    The more you seek to influence a man, the less real connection you will get.”

    I learned this the hard way…Never works to try and influence a man, especially one that is resistant and unavailable. I still find myself explaining too much when I shouldn’t have to..

    Rori or Janjune, somebody LOL!

    I have a question…

    What do we say to a man that just disappears and reappears weeks later.

    For me it feels very awkward having a conversation then no reply only to get a reply weeks or months later….It’s like I want to explode inside and email him and yell and berate myself at him and scream WTF!! WTF is your problem?!? Of course I would never do that, been there done that, just makes things worse and to me that feels like I care too much especially with a guy that is not mine.

    I think if I had to say something it would be. It’s nice hearing from you again but at the same time I feel confused….Can anyone give me pointers on how to address this without making a dramatic scene over it.

    If I explode or ignore then it feels like I’m punishing him for doing what he wants to do. It’s not as if I don’t want to hear from him but I don’t want him to feel he can slip in and out of my life, take my feel good words, admiration and just take off only to come back weeks later to get his love mastercard filled up and take off again. I feel taken for granted.

    This is something that bugs THE HELL out of me, how to address this behavior without coming off as a needy neurotic person.

    How do you tell someone that you feel taken for granted, I almost feel like it’s my fault, I keep thinking if I fill him up he will stay and the jerk just takes off like a thief in the night, taking my love with him and leaving me empty…

    What’s the difference between explaining, influencing and saying how you feel? It all seems the same to me.

    Pointers and insight would be helpful

    Thanks



  2.  #2alias girl on January 16, 2010 at 10:37 pm

    i loved this post. i feel jumpy-happy to read rori’s response. 🙂

    the way of the goddess

    🙂

    i feel very giggly and smiley.



  3.  #3janjune on January 16, 2010 at 10:57 pm

    hi kay!
    your questions are so insightful!
    rori should probably answer this– in order to get the correct answer to you, but hey,… it’s late, i’m up, i’ll give it a go! 🙂

    this is going to sound TOO SIMPLE, but i actually think this is what i would say,……… VERBATIM!

    “Hey-ee!Hi-ee!wha’sgoin’on?”……. (all one sentence!!)

    Like:
    “OH!HI!whashappenin????
    (translation:ilikeyoubabebutiain’tworri-inaboutit)
    THEN: silence………………………………………………….



  4.  #4janjune on January 16, 2010 at 11:04 pm

    kay i hope that didn’t sound too “flip”, but
    let HIM explain!!!

    g’night goddesses!
    love and blessings upon you!

    sweet dreams,
    janjune



  5.  #5Daria on January 17, 2010 at 12:33 am

    Kay what is this I hear about not wanting to create a big drama scene?

    someone needs a refresher on letting out her inner drama queen???

    I would say

    umm this feels weird. I feel angry not hearing from you and then getting a casual message all of a sudden. I feel furious!!



  6.  #6Daria on January 17, 2010 at 12:37 am

    I feel shaky –

    Kay :

    what you wrote: “how to address this behavior without coming off as a needy neurotic person. ”

    and Rori’s post above.

    the post is about how to NOT worry about how you come off, what the Result will be, how to affect him

    therefore adress it in authentic feeling messages, taking as little YOU messages as you can, and that will be great
    – EVEN IF YOU CAME OFF any kind of way!

    (ps i think even adressing it ANY way is a baby step)



  7.  #7Daria on January 17, 2010 at 12:39 am

    I say this to men all the time (uhoh my NV is kicking in – who ARE YOU TO SAY WHAT YOU DO – thanks nv)

    umm i feel surprised from you, i havent heard from you in a long time (then if i feel upset about that). i feel really angry not hearing from you!

    haven’t really had a problem with it, don’t expect to

    SHARE FEELINGS WITH NO WORRIES ABOUT OUTCOME!!!!

    Daria tells herself–



  8.  #8Daria on January 17, 2010 at 12:39 am

    AG – indeed this post Rocks. speaks to me and my unclarity thingy

    mhm.

    thank you.



  9.  #9Kay on January 17, 2010 at 12:41 am

    Thank you Daria, I will definitely think about using your suggestion. It’s not a relationship so it just feels weird to show that much investment in a guy that doesn’t love me.

    I’m close to dropping the whole friendship altogether, just drift out of his life…that feels good to me.



  10.  #10Kay on January 17, 2010 at 12:47 am

    Okay Daria I’m taking your advice, when/if he comes around I will say how I feel with no particular worries about the outcome and how it will effect hm, I mean there really is no “REAL” relationship, it’s all pretty much hanging by threads LOL and what you say makes perfect sense.

    I needed that gentle reminder, thank you

    Okay I tweaked it, hope that’s okay Daria: I wrote

    umm i feel confused by you, i haven’t heard from you in a long time and I feel upset about that. i feel really awkward and a bit agitated by not hearing from you!



  11.  #11Kay on January 17, 2010 at 12:50 am

    Thanks Janjune for you insight, I don’t feel comfortable with being that casual with him but I do appreciate the time you took to give advice. Thank you



  12.  #12Nancy on January 17, 2010 at 12:59 am

    Kay,

    how about “it felt really crappy not hearing from you. i’m not sure i want to talk to you/continue to hear from you.” ?

    i mean, if it’s weeks in between, there’s no way it’s meeting any of your needs.



  13.  #13Daria on January 17, 2010 at 1:02 am

    Kay speaking your feelings are an investment in YOU.



  14.  #14Daria on January 17, 2010 at 1:04 am

    Kay – i feel cringy when you say i hope thats ok. did you mean what do i think?

    I think you should take out the by YOU part of the confused by you.

    I also think that it feels a lil softer than what you shared with us above (how you really feel)

    like berating him and yelling WHATS WRONG WITH YOU!!

    that sounds like ANGER!

    Anger is sexy!

    =)



  15.  #15Daria on January 17, 2010 at 1:05 am

    grammar point haha ( i feel insecure of being judged for some reason)

    speaking your feelings IS an investment in YOU

    not in a man. although it naturally is good for him too

    investment in YOU –> good for anyone in your energy presence



  16.  #16Daria on January 17, 2010 at 1:06 am

    I really liked what Nancy said. the im not sure if i want to continue hearing from you.

    that IS what you told us – the truth



  17.  #17Daria on January 17, 2010 at 1:08 am

    my own thingy

    regarding sex man

    i will tell him also

    i might feel good being friends with you because i feel such good friend vibes with you, but not if i feel jealous hearing about other women. i will see how i feel



  18.  #18Kay on January 17, 2010 at 1:18 am

    Okay Nancy and Daria, I see your points, me leaving out my anger was intentional, I can’t get anything past you guys LOL, how beautiful is that, that you notice little things like that. Your right I should allow myself to express how I feel, however I feel when and if the time comes to address it but for now I realize I need to get focused on myself and not worry too much about it, I do appreciate the time taken to help me, it was really hard to ask for help, usually I’m the one helping others.

    Oh and yes Daria I meant to say: What do you think? And now I understand and know I should express my sexy anger and that is exactly what I’m going to do.



  19.  #19Daria on January 17, 2010 at 1:19 am

    i feel a GREAT friend vibe with him and dont feel particularly attached to him most of the time, BUT i do notice now and then wanting more, or feeling jealous. but not always. so i would see how i feel in the future.

    like what im imaginnig is a scenario of kicking it with him and his girlfriend… would i feel triggered?

    maybe not!!! but maybe yes. but maybe not in the future.

    ha

    hence my maybes.



  20.  #20Kay on January 17, 2010 at 1:27 am

    I’m triggered by his distance but I’m attracted to it as well, all the drama I built around him distancing himself frustrates the hell out of me but it excites me and I feel confused by this statement and admittance of passive guilt, believe me I would never waste anyone’s time but I feel so many truths coming at me regarding unavailable men, It haunts me to think that I may be a passive commitment phobic woman….Argh!!

    Stop the madness



  21.  #21Daria on January 17, 2010 at 1:39 am

    Kay : yay! i feel excited and also appreciated.

    I read skimmed this cool book in the library,
    about teh 5 love styles

    i think my love style is words of appreciation, because i HATE the opposite. being put donw

    i realized how that guy I was in love with. (WASSSS!!! and i mean it and im smiling right now woo haaa)

    used to praise me and talk well about me and to others

    and i felt SOO GOOD and loved

    but then again i also might be QUALITY TIME

    because i would like to be asked questions about myself, my childhood, do stuff together, etc

    am i both?

    it hink im primarily Words of Apprecitiation

    the book had really great ideas about how to show love!

    i mean i loved the ideas!

    i think my mom is a Quality Time, and poor woman, no wonder she feels depressed a lot, we don’t really spend that much quality time, and shes been asking for it, but i thought she was doing ti in an effort to connect with me, not for her!

    i will definitely make more time to spend with her

    i plan to ask her whats one activity (freaking usually CHORES ) that shes doing each day that I will do WITH HER. cuz i dont cuz i just do my thing but she doesnt even know that I COULD AND WOULD, i jsut havent really

    and it would feel fun for me too1

    i bet it would inspire us to do more fun stuff

    one thing the book suggested for quality time:

    – rent bikes in the city park, and ride them till you are tired. then sit by the duck pond. when you are tired of quacking, go walkby the rose gardens

    LOVELY

    – or pick 5 questions and set an appointment to meet and talk with your spouse. questions are like… what was your favorite teacher growing up? how did you feel about religion in your childhood. whats something you really liked to eat? etc.

    then at the end select another 5 for next week!

    man

    im telling you the ideas rocked!!

    the 5 love styles were

    WORDS OF APPRECIATION

    ACTS OF SERVICE

    GIFTS

    QUALITY TIME

    TOUCH

    wow!!! i think my dad’s is acts of service

    doing the rori thing, it seems that gifts and acts of service might be manly

    ohhh let me tell you this about gifts!! it said one thing that is REALLY important to people with GIFTS as their main love style is the GIFT OF PRESENCE!

    like being present when the other person is going thru something, funeral, birth, etc.

    so we are GIFTING men with our presence, and with listening to level 2 already hehe

    oh yeah and touch does not mean sex touch. you can really really like sex, but thats not what is meant by touch lovestyle.

    my dad is sooo acts of service – he doesnt feel loved by me cuz im not DOING stuff like mmm contributing stuff … awww i just realized this right this second.

    well i dotn want to do the stuff he wants me to do sometimes. but i feel shocked. im getting a better understanding!

    wow

    i was gonna buy it!

    now i want it again!!!

    mmmm

    well i figured i could google a lot on it – gonna do that now!!!

    RORI what do you think about the 5 love styles and how do they fall in with masculine feminine energy?

    i love the word female

    it reminds me of a female feline panther mmmm

    pheromonic sex goddess



  22.  #22Daria on January 17, 2010 at 1:40 am

    Kay I love your passive commitment phobic woman part!

    hugs!!

    hey you know i got a very assertive strong woman vibe from you! I challenge you to love your passive commitment phobic stranger.

    do you have toxic men? (stranger exercise in there)



  23.  #23Daria on January 17, 2010 at 1:43 am

    from the 5 love languages website:

    “Words of Affirmation
    Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

    Quality Time
    In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

    Receiving Gifts
    Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

    Acts of Service
    Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

    Physical Touch
    This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.



  24.  #24Daria on January 17, 2010 at 1:45 am

    How can i be feminine and NOT offer to do stuff for him AND fulfill my dad’s love language?

    i feel slightly stumped.

    but i think i CAN contribute in some ways. like if i become successful, i can pay him back for what hes helped me financially. i can lay a fooundation, net, to uphold and allow the poverty fear to heal. this is my dream. but i feel so incapable and unworthy! i lvoe myself though

    i want to heal this

    angels i would like your help

    thank you!!



  25.  #25Daria on January 17, 2010 at 1:52 am

    The purpose of this book is not to eliminate all confusion surrounding the word love but to focus on that kind of love that is essential to our emotional health. Child psychologists affirm that every child has certain basic emotional needs that must be met if he is to be emotionally stable. Among those emotional needs, none is more basic than the need for love and affection, the need to sense that he or she belongs and is wanted. With an adequate supply of affection, the child will likely develop into a responsible adult. Without that love, he or she will be emotionally and socially retarded.

    I liked the metaphor the first time I heard it: “Inside every child is an `emotional tank’ waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop normally but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave. Much of the misbehavior of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty `love tank.'” I was listening to Dr. Ross Campbell, a psychiatrist who specializes in the treatment of children and adolescents.



  26.  #26Kay on January 17, 2010 at 1:53 am

    Thank you Daria for the encouragement, I’m just now ingesting, accepting and fully acknowledging this part of myself. The funny part is I admitted being commitment phobic as a joke a few weeks ago, little did I know I would come across research that honestly described my passive commitment phobic behavior..ugh….I believe my issue isn’t so much with him and his distance, it’s me thriving off of the drama of the 2 dynamics of this so called relationship, he’s just the active partner that gets a tongue whipping when he doesn’t fall in line, that makes me feel controlling and masculine inside.

    I haven’t got to Rori’s toxic man cd’s but I do have her other products. Toxic man is next on the list.

    Oh well something else to dig through, I love this stuff.



  27.  #27Daria on January 17, 2010 at 2:02 am

    onether suggestion for Quality time was

    pick an activity your partner likes to do and you don’t. tell your partner you’ve decided to expand your horizons and you want to try doing that activity with them

    this is waht i intend to do wiht my mom! maybe go bike riding. and movies

    she was very excited when i told her i wanted us to go to the movies



  28.  #28Daria on January 17, 2010 at 2:05 am

    My top 3 for sure are

    Word of Affirmation

    Quality time

    Physical Touch

    and Acts of Service and Gifts may be nice too! I feel open to opening to receiving these as well

    though i feel worried that i will reject acts of service out of wanting to do it myselfness trigger, and gifts i feel afraid i wont like as much as others, and that feels a lil scary and weird



  29.  #29Daria on January 17, 2010 at 2:18 am

    oooh… the blog starts of Roriesque

    http://www.5lovelanguages.com/blog/



  30.  #30alias girl on January 17, 2010 at 2:19 am

    words of appreciation
    touch
    gifts
    quality time
    acts of service

    that is my order. currently. subject to change if i change. 🙂

    i realize this is a good list of NEEDS i can habe in my mind of

    NEEDS/DESIRES i would like to be met somewhat through circular dating

    these desires do not need to be met through any specific person/people and certainly not just from one man.

    🙂



  31.  #31alias girl on January 17, 2010 at 2:22 am

    ” Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.”

    aw, so true for me. people can run over me with their truck and i feel more open to forgiving them then someone that said something mean.



  32.  #32Daria on January 17, 2010 at 2:23 am

    “Time with God
    The idea that the eternal God desires to spend quality time with His creatures is one aspect of faith unique to Christianity. The gods who have been created by the imagination of human minds have always been far removed from people’s daily lives. The gods of the ancient Greek and Roman myths had to be placated or feared. The idea of having a close personal relationship with those deities did not exist.

    Ummm… this i do NOT agree with. I was just thinking how people commune with nature, and worship, and celebrate… wtf!! i feel angry and unseen, i feel open still… ie the author is just using a version of popular media opinon he is familiar with



  33.  #33Daria on January 17, 2010 at 2:29 am

    What if speaking your spouse’s love language doesn’t come natural for you? The answer is simple: “You learn to speak it!” My wife’s love language is “acts of service”. One of the things I do for her regularly as an act of love is to vacuum the floors. Do you think this comes naturally for me? You couldn’t pay me enough to vacuum the house. There is only one reason I do it: LOVE. You see, when it doesn’t come naturally to you, it is a greater expression of love.



  34.  #34Daria on January 17, 2010 at 2:31 am

    hmm what can i do as act of service for my dad?

    make money
    !

    again i feel stymied

    shit i want to make money for myself!!!

    saying that feels energizing and draining at the saem time

    cuz of the shit part changes the tone

    anyway

    what else can i do?

    cook!



  35.  #35Daria on January 17, 2010 at 2:32 am

    AG! i agree!! also there was 5 languages of apology – i liked that too



  36.  #36alias girl on January 17, 2010 at 2:35 am

    this guy online just told me to stop using the word.

    and i wrote back

    “i feel weird. I don’t feel like continuing.”

    he kept talking down to me and now he was telling me to stop using the word weird.

    i feel weird too because when i looked at his picture the first time he looked creepy and controlling.



  37.  #37alias girl on January 17, 2010 at 2:36 am

    oh for some reason that didn’t print.

    he had told me to stop using the word weird.



  38.  #38alias girl on January 17, 2010 at 2:39 am

    i remember some guy online had asked me if i knew what my preferred languages of love were. and i wrote back that i did.

    and he wrote back “don’t tell me what they are”

    so i didn’t. and then he was like so how’s your weekend or some random thing.

    and then the convo puttered out because he wasn’t rowing,

    but ok.

    i felt weird. 🙂

    a person who knew about the languages of love. asked if i knew. and then didn’t want to know what mine were or share his own.

    i didn’t feel that attracted to that.



  39.  #39alias girl on January 17, 2010 at 2:43 am

    oh and today i was in this store and some cute guy came in so i gave him a smile when he passed. and then another smile when i passed by him. and it seemed like he was checking me out.

    so i went and stood still by a shelf of books so if he wanted to swoop in he could. but he didn’t.

    and then when i passed him later he seemed like he was all vibing on me but i was over it. i finished looking around the store and then left.

    if i give a man a wide open and he doesn’t take it then i feel like well anything more on my part is leaning forward.

    ? not sure though.



  40.  #40Daria on January 17, 2010 at 2:44 am

    AG – my first thought was maybe he wanted to figure it out. but anyway doesnt much matter as he couldnt row there



  41.  #41alias girl on January 17, 2010 at 2:44 am

    my new neighbor is having a live band practice.

    at 2 o’clock in the morning.

    really.



  42.  #42alias girl on January 17, 2010 at 2:45 am

    hmm maybe i will google that five languages of apology.

    maybe i will do that right now. thanks daria for posting that.



  43.  #43Daria on January 17, 2010 at 2:45 am

    AG – sounds like it to me! i feel turned off that hes all vibing on you and not approaching



  44.  #44Daria on January 17, 2010 at 2:45 am

    AG am i your new neighbor? hehe



  45.  #45alias girl on January 17, 2010 at 2:46 am

    yeah i felt turned off too. i felt like oh, no a man i would have to try and outgirl. ugh. not attracted.

    here, let me lead you how to lead.



  46.  #46alias girl on January 17, 2010 at 2:47 am

    hahaha if you were my neighbor WE would be the ones having band practice right now!!!!!



  47.  #47alias girl on January 17, 2010 at 2:50 am

    5 languages of apology

    ■Expressing Regret — “I am sorry.”
    ■Accepting Responsibility — “I was wrong.”
    ■Making Restitution — “What can I do to make it right?”
    ■Genuinely Repenting — “I’ll try not to do that again.”
    ■Requesting forgiveness — “Will you please forgive me?”



  48.  #48alias girl on January 17, 2010 at 2:51 am

    “i’m sorry. i will not do it again.”

    i like that if i were receiving (or giving) and apology.



  49.  #49Daria on January 17, 2010 at 2:52 am

    ooh muy concise

    i think i like the first one, especially wiht the looking in my eyes genuinely. really works

    unless its an ex about money which i expect them to pay back. that would be making restitution



  50.  #50Daria on January 17, 2010 at 2:53 am

    AG we seem to have some of the same styles! =)

    is that why we click? maybe? hmmm…



  51.  #51alias girl on January 17, 2010 at 2:54 am

    yeah. if it’s something like that then restitution is kind of necessary.



  52.  #52alias girl on January 17, 2010 at 2:55 am

    plus the gemini thing

    and the genius thing



  53.  #53alias girl on January 17, 2010 at 2:55 am

    and also the fervor to help people heal



  54.  #54alias girl on January 17, 2010 at 3:06 am

    hmm maybe i was too impatient? maybe a man does need more time to figure it out. i remember one siren telling a story about a guy and then finally he figured out how to approach her.

    ah. maybe i was being masculine by me giving him this one and only opportunity?

    i don’t know though because he really seemed like a guy that would be withholding and expecting the girl to be all over him. i smiled and his look back was kind of ‘i’m too cool to really give you anything much back’

    some guys when i smile at them they smile back and that feels really good.

    ‘too cool’ guys feel bad

    i’ve never dated ‘too cool’ guys. i do not feel attracted to them.



  55.  #55alias girl on January 17, 2010 at 3:10 am

    omg. he was probably hanging around giving ME opportunities to approach HIM. ugh. i feel laughing but that seems like probably what it was. i mean i can’t know for sure but that feels kind of accurate.



  56.  #56Daria on January 17, 2010 at 4:31 am

    AG – i am feeling what i imagine to be his energy and it feels ICKY and gross yuck – hoping youll approach him – GAY



  57.  #57Daria on January 17, 2010 at 4:34 am

    like literally kind of a gay-feminine role vibe



  58.  #58Daria on January 17, 2010 at 4:35 am

    which is not what i want

    but i had a cousin who was really into gay guys (?)

    well i guess that could be some emotional unavailability thing



  59.  #59Lola on January 17, 2010 at 8:21 am

    I used to be really into gay guys or guys who nobody was sure about. Then I went on to very intellectual or arty guys who didn’t have strong male energy. They would talk and talk and talk about relationships and their feelings – my sexual attraction for them would usually last 3 months. But it felt very safe!

    But suddenly I got very into masculine guys. It changed when my ex husband left -I got in touch with what I really liked and attracted to. But because I only knew how to deal with more feminine guys I came really unstuck! Hence here i am ; )



  60.  #60Lola on January 17, 2010 at 8:24 am

    My son (15) finished with a girl he had dated a few weeks and has tried to be friends with her since. When he approaches her she roars “F*** off!” – she’s not feeling the need to explain anything to him!!!!! : )))



  61.  #61Kaitlyn on January 17, 2010 at 8:30 am

    Lola,

    I was attracted to those types of guys as well. It wasn’t until I became more confident and attractive that I started to be attracted to more masculine men.



  62.  #62Athol Kay on January 17, 2010 at 8:37 am

    99% of men have no desire to be “just friends” in the first place with a woman. Let alone after ever having sex with them. Most men find a woman even attempting a close friendship relationship with them, but not going to the sexual level, extremely frustrating.

    Why torment an x with an offer of friendship like this anyway?



  63.  #63Kaitlyn on January 17, 2010 at 8:38 am

    Agreed, Athol!



  64.  #64Lola on January 17, 2010 at 8:46 am

    Kaitlyn

    Me too. I used too be quite androgynous but got very in touch with my feminine side suddenly. Now the more feminine energy men don’t seem approach me.

    Athol Kay

    I think a lot of that is to assuage the guilt of finishing a relationship. Some maybe like to keep a toe in the door!!!
    I’ve never managed to stay friends with an ex for any meaningful length of time.
    If I hadn’t had children with my ex husband I know we would never have even met again! I feel it’s overrated but that’s just my feelings, based on my experiences…



  65.  #65nikita on January 17, 2010 at 11:18 am

    found this:

    “Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Boys don’t want to reach for the good ones at the top of the tree because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just pick the rotten apples from the ground that aren’t as good – but were easier to get. So the good apples at the top of the tree think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re absolutely amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along. The one who’s brave and fearless enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree and grab her.”



  66.  #66janjune on January 17, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    yes kay,
    reading back the comment i made last night about you saying “heyhiwhasgoinon” when your man calls, i see that is way too casual for your feelings about this.



  67.  #67Nancy on January 17, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    Woke up this morning with several things on my mind I wanted to share and now that I’ve read through your posts, I have several more, so my brain feels way too full!

    I love the love languages book. My order is

    touch
    time
    words
    gifts
    acts of service

    I felt so disappointed when I lent my guy the book a year or so ago, told him how excited I felt about it and he never picked it up. I left it at his house for a month or so and then took it back, gave it to the person who lent it to me. He asked me what had happened to it, saying he was just getting around to wanting to read it. I didn’t quite believe him and thought, “get your own book.” But I learned about me, most importantly and then also about him and his top languages and that really did help the relationship go better. Except for the fact that it added to my feelings of lowered self esteem within the relationship and felt like overfunctioning.



  68.  #68laughing goddess on January 17, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    the gemini thing _ check!

    the genius thing – check!

    and also the fervor to help people heal – check!

    Must be why I like you guys so much! 🙂



  69.  #69laughing goddess on January 17, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    Oh my gosh Nikita!!!

    That is so beautiful. Thank you so much for posting!!!

    I am a delicious apple and I’m tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me!



  70.  #70Nancy on January 17, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    Kay,

    I wanted to ask you if you’ve listened to Christian’s Natural and Lasting Attraction. I have 2 of this other cd sets and am thinking of ordering NALA. If you’ve heard it, do you think it would help me to lower my “drama quotient” to listen to it. I have Communication Secrets. Maybe I’ll just listen to that again. I really need to work on the when and how I say things to a man. Looking back over my love life, it’s abundantly apparent that I have a knack for sending them running off into the woods.



  71.  #71janjune on January 17, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    i feel pressure internally, i feel movement
    i feel a big thick rock wall. it dropped down separating my feelings from the feelings of other people.
    i have to walk around it to get to other people’s feelings.
    and go over to the other person and make a conscious effort to talk to them and focus on them and ask them questions. i have to look them in the eyes. stop my me energy from circulating in the moment, drop my me energy to a lower volume and let their energy move toward me and drop around me (BUT NOT *INTO* ME!!!)..
    “get into *their* vibration”
    leave myself over on the other side of the wall and then just turn my vibe waaaay down so im still vibeing on the inside but at a very soft level. i’m seeing a dimmer switch on a light…i love this!!!

    i don’t expect anyone else to “get” this!!! just journaling here…..

    this is crude, it feels fluid but this feels like the beginning of REAL REAL BOUNDARIES FOR ME!!!!!!!!

    OMG IM SPIRITUALLY HYPERVENTILATING. THIS FEELS LIKE HAPPY TEARS!!!



  72.  #72Nancy on January 17, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    I love the movie “50 First Dates”. She is such a total challange to him and she isn’t even aware of it. I have the cover sitting on my coffee table as a reminder to increase my level of difficulty.

    I hate the overly stupid sexual stuff in the movie, but I get right past it because of the deep recognition triggered in my of what it looks like to have a man chasing you by the overall story. And the penguin is just really cute.



  73.  #73Nancy on January 17, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    Wow janjune! Congratulations! That feels amazing.



  74.  #74Nancy on January 17, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    Lola,

    LOVE your comment about your son’s ex-gf. She certainly gets to the point, doesn’t she? I’d love to feel that free.



  75.  #75janjune on January 17, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    because like with AG yesterday, (AG i understand you said it’s not a big deal, that you were just exploring what it felt like to ask a person about something that felt like an insult on the inside, even when your head maybe was telling you it wasn’t… and that it feels safe to test the waters here on this blog… )

    im using that as an example because the positive lesson for me on this end of the interaction was that i want to not see my feelings as intertwined with other people’s.
    i had to receive that sentence word-by-word!
    it came this way:
    i. pause
    want. pausepausepause
    to. pause…
    etc.!!!

    so funny!!!
    breaking NEW ground here!!! so funny. feels like little tickles in my tummy. and a smily face. and a happiness in my heart.

    anyway, like i was feeling all happy and silly because of seeing how happy all the new goddesses are getting with the relief rori’s Tools give and was just feeling all silly and did not even think about the fact that other people are not in that moment with me.

    and then last night to come home and be so flip and smartypants about the answer kay might give to her man when he calls,
    i was not thinking about “how is *kay* *feeling*?”
    i was thinking about the specifics of the *situation* and how to handle the *situation* not how kay’s *feelings* were making kay *feel* about that situation.

    i was feeling *my* feelings of being all happy and fun and sassy from seeing my friend who i haven’t seen for a couple years and just carried it right on over into what i was saying to kay. when kay was *distraught* over her situation. and rather than seeing that, i just stayed keyed into my own feelings of the moment.

    kay, i didn’t feel like you were upset or anything,i’m just seeing that it was not perceptive or sensitive or helpful to stay in my own energy of the moment when i really had a desire to hear what you were saying and maybe be able to share a rori Tool or two with you….

    i don’t want to do that anymore.

    i feel solid unmoving desire to separate my feelings from other people’s.
    i want to see *them* as separate.
    i want to be separate.
    everyday.
    for the rest of my life.

    i want to stop, consciously stop my vibe, lower it, not let it mesh over to other people.
    i want them to have their own vibe.
    i want to be able to feel it, sense it, interact with it.

    but mine is separate.

    i see a mesh wire cloth with very loosely woven threads of wire, sparkly and silver, with warp and weft going from me to the other person when someone speaks to me. this is the energetic material that is
    keeping. pause
    me. pause
    in. pause
    ill. pause
    connection. pausepause
    with other people.

    because it always goes out from me to the other person.

    maybe they don’t want it.
    but it goes out anyway!

    it’s a turn off to people who have boundaries.

    yick.
    i don’t like it either.

    haha!!

    well, now i will figure out what to do with my beautiful sparkly silver wire mesh cloth that just doesn’t need to be there…



  76.  #76janjune on January 17, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    thank you nancy.
    that comment you made feels so sweet to me!



  77.  #77Nancy on January 17, 2010 at 1:44 pm

    Major breakthrough:

    I’ve realized that I’ve felt so afraid of losing my relationship largely because I have always had the following thoughts and fears:

    -it’ll take so long to find someone else
    -i’ll have to put another long, long time into another relationshp in order to find out if it’ll turn into happy ever after
    -i don’t want to be alone waiting again without my needs met
    -what if i never find anyone i’m this happy with again?

    and other similar fears

    I’ve been working with Rori’s tools for over 2 years and it just came together for me this morning, that these fears DO NOT APPLY TO ME ANY LONGER!!! Because:

    -i will never fall into the gf trap again; i’ll circular date til there’s a ring on my finger and I mean DATE, as in seeing other men. i’ll explain that it’s for my own comfort and to keep me feeling strong, that i don’t want to pressure a relationship and want to keep my options open so that i can stay on track for what i want, which is marriage. that i love him, think he’s the cat’s meow, that i’m incredibly happy when i’m with him, etc.
    -i won’t be alone, waiting… i’ll be having many of my needs for attention from a man met just by being asked out, taken to dinner, going on dates to do fun stuff. this part i’ve done successfully before and it was pretty darn fun. the part that is the most fun is learning to enforce my boundaries about who i let in and who i keep out. very satisfying.
    -i have loved a variety of men and felt very happy to be with them. i’m positive i can do it again. even if they’re not my current man. after all, he isn’t the one i thought i couldn’t live without before he came along.

    i’ve learned from this relationship that very sincere intent towards me and what will make me happy, my core need for marriage being primary there, has to become one of my requirements for who gets in and who doesn’t. if that isn’t there, it’s too soon to get into a deeper relationship where i’m totally exclusive.

    i have invested WAY too much of myself into this relationship with this man, following a carrot and hoping he would come around. i refuse to do this for one more second. why should i? why should i be hanging around in something that is 87% pretend when i could be enjoying the real thing?

    yes, there is the pain and grief of losing him and all the wonderful things we share together. but if he isn’t moving it forward, he isn’t. and there is the sting of having just turned 50 and only now realizing what i needed to be doing years ago to have what i’ve always wanted. it helps me to think of the astrologer who told me, in my early 20s that i came into this life to learn about one to one romantic relationships, that i just didn’t have experience with it, that didn’t know how to choose a partner or make a relationship and that i’d fumble around til middle age and then finally start asking ‘hey people, how the hell do you do this?’ sure fits! and at least i’m getting it. and thanks to Rori i’m getting it in royal style. and i can feel like i’m accomplishing my life purpose, at least according to that astrologer! and thank god i’m still cute!

    this feels fantastic! now, wth do i say to him if he calls? how much of this do i share with him and how? back to the drawing board to review and revamp my speeches.



  78.  #78Nancy on January 17, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    you’re welcome janjune, it came from the heart. i’m loving reading your new insight and want to get it for myself. it feels really significant!



  79.  #79Nancy on January 17, 2010 at 1:58 pm

    oh man, i’ll review and revamp speeches later. i’m emotionally exhausted. it’s time for me. who cares if they’re not ready if and when he calls. i’m sick of worrying about it. later.

    oh i just have to share: yesterday morning i woke up feeling very frustrated and insecure. i called him. thank god he didn’t answer. i had come to my senses and was so sorry i’d called. he works nights and sleeps in, so i was able to cover my ass by sending him a text later on (one of about 5 i’ve ever sent). i said i was having lunch with carol, thought i was calling her, but hit his name by mistake, that i was SO sorry if i’d woken him. then i said, actually, i’m assuming you’re taking time and will wait to hear from you. phew! i feel only slightly guilty for my fib, but very relieved to erase what are at least the obvious signs of my urges to chase him. i’m not feeling them most of the time, but that was a biggie.

    I am gracefully moving away from you. I am gracefully moving away from you. I am gracefully moving away.



  80.  #80Katie on January 17, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    My life is transforming before my eyes, which feels so good. It took me 5 months of pain, regret and bewilderment to just accept a break up and move on. Half way through the 5 months I found this site and Rori, and I am so utterly glad that I did. It has given me an ability to feel what I feel and at the same time look, learn and lean back, so empowering!

    Several men are asking me out etc who I am not very interested in. But there is one who I call Mr Interesting. The rest are there as “free therapy” …tehee…. I so like that expression.



  81.  #81Nancy on January 17, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    ag, you have a picture! love it!

    i was wondering what was up with the question marks. can we put our photo on so we have a face to go with the name? i’m going to try and figure out how. hints accepted.



  82.  #82Nancy on January 17, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    well i looked and don’t see any way to post a photo. help me out if you know how. thanks!



  83.  #83janjune on January 17, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    summing:
    i am living behind a rock wall.
    when i want to interact with some, i can walk around the rock wall
    i don’t know yet what to do with the silver wire mesh cloth so i am just dropping it around my feet, still have it hanging, kind of like a long shawl but it’s not up around my heart, its hanging down around the leg area, draped over both arms
    i see me standing before the person i want to interact with
    i see the internal dimmer switch, i turn my vibe down to a soft low hummmmm
    then i clear the space between us
    i keep myself separated
    open my heart, (heart ONLY not soul and spirit and being)
    allow them to evaluate my heart energy
    then
    listen to *their* words, sense their expressions,
    and not how I FEEL about their words!
    woohoo—a BIG ONE!!! this is going to be huge for me, i feel it will turn my life around, in regard to relationships

    evaluate how i feel about it
    good? keep listening?
    bad? scared? want to run away?

    okay, i’m going to leave this alone now.

    and leave the safe warm cocoon that, for me, is Siren Island.

    out into the harsh cold world to try some of this
    face-to-face.



  84.  #84Nancy on January 17, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    hi katie,

    that is so great! glad you’re feeling somewhat better and using circluar dating to do that. it really does help!



  85.  #85janjune on January 17, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    clarification:
    “evaluate how i feel about it
    good? keep listening?
    bad? scared? want to run away?”

    evaluate how i feel about CONTINUING WITH THE INTERACTION…
    good? keep listening?
    bad? scared? want to run away?



  86.  #86tinque on January 17, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    it seems to me if someone has wordpress, their picture will show up. testing…



  87.  #87janjune on January 17, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    further:

    evaluate how i feel about CONTINUING WITH THE INTERACTION…
    good? keep listening?
    bad? scared? want to run away? STOP LISTENING AND LEAVE.

    okay, now i’m putting this away for awhile.

    seems like if i don’t get off the blog things just don’t quit shifting and changing long enough to go out and work them!!

    rori iluvu!!!!



  88.  #88tinque on January 17, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    nope, that didn’t work



  89.  #89janjune on January 17, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    nancy,
    i just lovelovelove your major breakthough post!!

    i don’t *get it* yet because i’m not where you are yet, but i printed it out to save it for later, when i *am* there so it doesn’t get lost.

    it rang so true to my heart.
    it comes forward that you know of that which you speak goddess nancy!

    love and blessings to all of the goddesses and rori.



  90.  #90Katie on January 17, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    Mr Interesting is a challenge!
    I am learning such alot from spending time with him.

    But my instinct is making me tread very carefully at the moment because I have had a habit of going for emotionally unavailable men! And guess what this guy is so obviously not available and this is the great lesson for me.
    He’s sexy, he’s good looking, artistic, musical and potentially a great partner for me….but…..he is only just out of a long term relationship himself. From what I can tell he met Miss Perfect and they fell hard for eachother and she has been taking him for a ride ever since. In brief they got engaged on Christmas Day one year ago and she dumped him on Boxing Day just gone. Ouch! He’s in pain and trying to get his life together. He’s a good man!! What happened!!

    We are spending some time in eachothers company, we get on soooo well. I am passing on some of what I have learnt from my own recent heartache. Very early days with this one, but hey I am being TRIGGERED all over the place because I really like him. And yet in REALITY he is in no way ready for a real relationship and I know this. So I am leaning back and feeling grateful for this guy dropping into my life to show me a bit more of myself. I feel appreciative and loving, not towards him (yet?), but just towards life and the causes of things.



  91.  #91Kay on January 17, 2010 at 2:28 pm

    Oh Janjune your so sweet, I totally didn’t get upset over anything, somehow I knew you were feeling super great and that feeling didn’t resonate over to me so I wasn’t able to connect with your words, I still appreciate you taking the time post, all help is sincerely appreciated.



  92.  #92Kay on January 17, 2010 at 2:32 pm

    I have Christian’s products, I love them all but honestly I get more out of his newsletters more so than his products but I do go back and listen and read when I get stuck, it all helped me so I would say go for it but just know you can read everyone of his newsletters and get an equal amount of great advice Nancy.



  93.  #93Katie on January 17, 2010 at 2:33 pm

    I feel smiley and laughy and wrapped in loving arms….(not his)… it’s just how I feel about life.

    Life is good, it’s okay. Life brings us the people we need, to take us to the next level in ourselves!!! Then and only then are we ready to have a relationship that goes to the next level, we have to get there first, inside. Wow I am learning fast.

    Hey in a few months this great guy might be ready for something real with me and that would be great but in the meantime I’ve got options!



  94.  #94Lola on January 17, 2010 at 2:49 pm

    Yuck!! I expressed to my boyfriend that things felt a bit distant between us and he got mad.
    He said with all the things that have gone on I can’t expect things to be just how they were. (He recently said everything was as it had always been except for blah blah happening…).

    I had felt very calm and smiley when I told him but he got mad and obfuscated everything. I then felt really angry and threw my phone at the wall : (

    I don’t want to be auditioned – that’s how it feels. He used to say lovey things once but he can’t say them now.

    I feel tearful and phone’s broken (but luckily it’s insured).



  95.  #95Lola on January 17, 2010 at 2:51 pm

    Suddenly we all got giant question marks under our names!

    Ah AG what a lovely photo! : )



  96.  #96Lola on January 17, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    So what I’m getting from him is something like:

    ‘If you play your cards right it may work itself back there at some point’

    That makes me feel WTF?

    Don’t you just love someone passionately… or not?



  97.  #97Simply Shannon on January 17, 2010 at 3:35 pm

    Subscribing for now…
    BTW, how did everyone get a pic? Shoot. I think there was a post about that once.



  98.  #98Simply Shannon on January 17, 2010 at 3:37 pm

    Oh and wanted to share a great book. A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. It’s all about creating your “story”. Very inspiring! Ok, gotta run. Be back later to play catch up…



  99.  #99tinque on January 17, 2010 at 3:53 pm

    Lola – I would have to answer yes to your question. Love can grow more deeply/passionately over time when you are both on the same or similar paths. If you are “pure” in your love, you do love the other passionately or not, not qualifiers.
    xxoo



  100.  #100Daria on January 17, 2010 at 4:18 pm

    YO! we have lil pictures by our names! is this new… or has it always been the case???



  101.  #101Daria on January 17, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    i remember rori posted about it, but i was like huh cuz i didnt see anything

    (loving my “bad” and beautfilul english)



  102.  #102Lola on January 17, 2010 at 4:20 pm

    Tinque

    He says it’s hard to be very loving /say loving things when there’s all this stuff going on. Then he said ‘it’s hard, cos we’re damaged..’ and I said ‘we’re what?’

    Damn! I didn’t realise that!!

    I feel cold and withdrawn towards him after that.



  103.  #103tinque on January 17, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    Daria – it’s new as of a little while ago.
    xxoo



  104.  #104Lola on January 17, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    Aaaah! The question marks have turned into flowers how magical!



  105.  #105tinque on January 17, 2010 at 4:26 pm

    Lola – That feels so sad. We are all damaged to one degree or another. So what. I understand why you would feel this way towards him.
    It was bad feeling thing to say. Is this new behavior? Forgive me if you have spoken of this before. If it is then you can tell him that what he said hurt, and then try to let it go because he’s not handling whatever is going on with him very well, ie. taking it out on you.
    If it’s not new, then…
    xxoo



  106.  #106Daria on January 17, 2010 at 4:35 pm

    Today is the first day i see pictures by our names. on any computer. yay!!



  107.  #107Daria on January 17, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    but now i cant click through on our names to our blogs

    =(

    uhoh



  108.  #108Lola on January 17, 2010 at 4:39 pm

    It kind of flew out of his mouth – so i don’t think he said it to hurt me. It felt like a hidden truth! Something that he’d let slip.

    He has little episodes of bad behaviour which I, in turn handle badly.

    It doesn’t matter how well I understand Rori’s tools I spew uncontrollably.



  109.  #109Daria on January 17, 2010 at 4:44 pm

    Nancy –

    i have natural and lasting attraction. I got it before i found Rori.

    i THINK you should stick with Rori!

    her work feels much DEEPER and more AUTHENTIC to me

    not only that but it works



  110.  #110Daria on January 17, 2010 at 4:44 pm

    Nancy –

    however, if you Feel intuitively drawn to natural and lasting attraction, that may be something to look into… maybe you can Rorify the work for us!



  111.  #111Daria on January 17, 2010 at 4:45 pm

    LG yes! I feel much a connection with you too!

    Gemini power!

    and Honor for all zodiac signs!



  112.  #112tinque on January 17, 2010 at 4:46 pm

    Lola – This takes time. For me the easiest and simplest way to handle a situation such as this is to catch yourself as soon as possible, even if some spewing has occurred and say to him, “ouch, that hurt” or “this feels awful.”
    xxoo



  113.  #113Lola on January 17, 2010 at 4:49 pm

    Tinque

    Thanks for that – it’s simple. I say too much always. I gotta keep it simple!

    LG & Daria
    I love Gemini women – my mum’s one.



  114.  #114Daria on January 17, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    The voice in my head still says

    the Man i WAS in love with! yes!! and he was in my dream last nite!! not… i dreamt about him!!!

    oohhhhhhhhhh i feeel teary and head turning to sdky in pleaseure



  115.  #115Daria on January 17, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    I am not in love with him! i WAS I WAS I WAS!!

    when did this marvelous change come about?

    i think last time i was wiht sex man

    thank you sex man for being there for me in this awesome awesome awesome healing.

    i feel grateful for your presence at that time and the shift that was made

    i hug u and i feel sad thinking i wont see u again.

    i feel excited thinking of hanging out with you AND MEETING LOTS OF MEN AND FEELING COOL AND IMPORTANT AND in a local way POLITICALLY IN THE MIDST OF IT

    i feel afraid to lose my great place as a in-person

    i choose to trust that all is well

    u know what

    i care abuot YOU and perhaps you and me MORE than i care about being politically in the midst of stuff because your house is the epicenter of interesting man activity.

    well

    umm

    i dont know if thats true

    but i care about ME more.

    i choose to be in the epicenter of interesting man activity WHEREVER I AM!

    thank you!!!!

    thank you angels!!!!

    thank you plants!

    thank you acupuncture

    ohhhhi had a wonderful acupuncture session that was more like ME tightening up parts of my body intuitively and magic happend… and i was doing mental eft while laying down

    I want to share this too.

    After i went 2 months ago to the goddess circle about Kali,

    I can use EXTRA ARMS!!! like… i have more pairs haha, that i can use to do mental eft when i feel uncomfortable or im needled down

    my extra Goddess arms tap for me!!!



  116.  #116Daria on January 17, 2010 at 5:01 pm

    Nancy –

    you called him, NO NEED TO COVER IT UP!!!! its ok Goddess… hehe

    you could even have him pick up and then say, hey … i felt like calling you… PAUSE (lean back in pause for him to pick up forward role) then on your feelings continue convo or not

    I’m practicing Ending the convo when the energy level feels dropped or draining. New thing for me. i would just wait thru it. till they ended it. i didnt get how rori said to end it.

    i’ve felt awkward a few times… “mmm… it would feel good to get back to reading my blog” haha



  117.  #117Daria on January 17, 2010 at 5:06 pm

    Lola – a few weeks ago you said he said your son was damaged. now he says you two are damaged.

    i feel concerned.



  118.  #118Daria on January 17, 2010 at 5:08 pm

    I am with tinque. its NEVER too late to say ouch that hurt!

    i am practicing with my dad!

    so far i’ve still felt attacked after, but i felt really great for saying it.

    Soon ill get to round 2 of feeling messages, and soon i’ll be home free!



  119.  #119Daria on January 17, 2010 at 5:10 pm

    Rori told us in a post how to put pictures by our name. its the first post in the uncategorized category —>



  120.  #120Lola on January 17, 2010 at 5:11 pm

    Tinque

    He doesn’t say the lovely things anymore. He just says in convo ‘I feel everything I used to say – nothing’s changed’. But doesn’t say it.

    He’s not a man who can’t express himself he just won’t.

    I am open to circular dating and am enjoying every interaction with every man I meet by the way ; ))



  121.  #121Lola on January 17, 2010 at 5:16 pm

    Daria

    You are right.

    I feel concerned too : (



  122.  #122Lola on January 17, 2010 at 5:20 pm

    The word damage feels nasty

    In the dictionary = injury or harm that reduces value or usefulness.

    Yuck!



  123.  #123tinque on January 17, 2010 at 5:29 pm

    Lola – Not all men are all that comfortable with the words, and you know what, the words are meaningless without the action behind them.
    K said SO little in the beginning. It just wasn’t his way, and there may have been an element of fear involved as well, and for a long while I felt really badly about this, would lament in the dark of the night, would fill myself with angst over it, but I came to realize that he says the sweet lovely things ALL the time, without the words.
    As I let this go, happily the words were more forthcoming, but still, they don’t come all the time, or I should say not packaged as Hollywood does.
    The I love yous are infrequent, so when they do come out, they mean all the more, but the loving, affectionate, passionate gestures are always there, daily, many times a day. And the words are HIS words.
    My point is really a question. Does your man say he loves you in other ways? Does he walk the walk?
    xxoo



  124.  #124alias girl on January 17, 2010 at 5:31 pm

    i ended a phone convo with a female aquaintance last night. it feels kind of a one way street with her so i called because she is going through a traumatic experience and i wanted to support her. but after that it just felt like a big, long, run on sentence about other things in her life. and i was like ok, this is what it is. i don’t consider it a friendship. i just feel compelled to help her when i can. but it’s not a real friendship because it doesn’t go both ways. so when i started to feel bad i just said, well i should go now. nice chatting. take care.

    i could use feeling messages but in my experience people who are so wrapped up in themselves just don’t have it in them to not be. so a feeling message would feel like a band aid and not a genuine response or genuine interest in me as a human being with a whole life of my own going on with successes and challenges and things to share.

    if someone is not genuinely interested i don’t feel good to point out their narcissism. i tried in the past and it feels useless.

    i feel better to find more open people to have deeper friendships with. the others can just remain as acquaintances.



  125.  #125tinque on January 17, 2010 at 5:32 pm

    And yes damage is a bad feeling word, and sadly many of us, men and women alike have been at the receiving end of it.
    But I would argue strenuously that it means it devalues the person or object.
    It makes a person more interesting and endearing, to me.
    xoo



  126.  #126Daria on January 17, 2010 at 5:42 pm

    I as a words of affirmation primary language would and do feel much suffering being called stuff that doesnt feel good, and i thrive on words that do feel good.

    i feel tighteness in my body in my face and neck

    i do NOT want to watch for other signs hes loving me. i want my words of affirmation

    i feel Angry

    wow!!

    i feel surprised and angry



  127.  #127Lola on January 17, 2010 at 5:42 pm

    Tinque

    Yes, a lot of the time he walks the talk – very reliable, caring, helps me with stuff, buys me things, attentive etc. But has these episodes where he acts out and says unkind/blunt things then if an argument occurs as a result he runs for the hills!

    But there are some things he just can’t do – the step parent thing for one.



  128.  #128Daria on January 17, 2010 at 5:44 pm

    I feeel angry! it does nt feel good!!!

    i was feeking peaceful after acupuncture and now im feeeling tightened up. i love my tighteness.

    i choose to allow my anger to help me!

    thank you anger

    tinque i feel triggered!!!!! and angry!!! and surprised at how i feel!!!!



  129.  #129Daria on January 17, 2010 at 5:46 pm

    I feel shaking! and tightening around my jaw!! and thigh!!! and forehead

    i love my tightening in my jaw and thigh and forhead, and butt now!!! heeeeee

    i feel furious!!! whoa!!!!!

    whoa whoa! i feel soo surprised… i love my feelings!

    oh i feel so tightened up

    icccccccccck



  130.  #130mary on January 17, 2010 at 5:47 pm

    tinque: i see your picture! what is word press?

    daria, i feel very sunny and wonderful when i read your questions about how you might be able to speak your dad’s love language. and i felt so glad when you said your mom was beautiful. and when you said that you listened to them when they were upset with you, and somehow you gave up your right to be heard… i was impressed by that.



  131.  #131mary on January 17, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    alias girl,

    i feel something different in you. i feel a supportive energy radiating out from you.



  132.  #132mary on January 17, 2010 at 5:55 pm

    since about a month ago



  133.  #133mary on January 17, 2010 at 5:55 pm

    when you went on your boy energy campaign



  134.  #134mary on January 17, 2010 at 5:58 pm

    ooooooooh. i’m going to thailand on tuesday. and on wednesday i’m gonna meet the king and queen! and have dinner at the princess’ house. i’m going with my mom. she has some friends who are missionaries there, and they know everyone. we’re also going to a leper colony, the summer palace, some remote missions in little villages, a refugee camp for orphans, a fern garden, a silk place (where they have silk worms – i can’t wait! i used to have a silk worm in the refrigerator when i was little!) and we’re going to ride an elephant. (maybe. not sure if i want to. i like elephants.)



  135.  #135mary on January 17, 2010 at 5:59 pm

    soooooooo… i’m saying, as they say in canada…

    Bye for Now!



  136.  #136tinque on January 17, 2010 at 6:00 pm

    Oh Daria – I so hear and feel you. I have to say I resisted this for a long time. I love my words of affirmation as much as the any woman. I can sometimes wither without them, but K was an amazing learning experience for me. K didn’t express himself the way I THOUGHT I wanted, and now I find I wouldn’t want it any other way. I would MUCH rather be folded against his chest and against his heart, the love pouring out of him than have the words, “I love you” be tossed out carelessly or even with deep meaning. Hearing his heartbeat, feeling his energy, his love and passions touch me to my core.
    And as I let this go, I do get words, but they are words unique to him and thus carry more meaning, for me.
    xxoo
    And Daria – I love your incredible courage and openness. It’s refreshing.
    xo



  137.  #137Lisa on January 17, 2010 at 6:03 pm

    Nancy,

    I appreciate your “87% imaginary” relationship evaluation. For me, I’d go 93%. Well, I am dusting myself off and picking myself up, and facing what Kay is, that I may be a bit of a commitment-phobe myself.

    For me, it will all be new. New passion, new boundaries, new men. New me. A great challenge.



  138.  #138Lola on January 17, 2010 at 6:13 pm

    Tinque

    I’ve have had men who couldn’t speak their feelings in the past.
    This man can and I know because he did in the early days.
    He knows what I want to hear and he either can’t now or won’t.
    I have been feeling this for a while now.
    I’ve got to go to bed now cos it’s late here and I’m working tomorrow.

    I feel glad for your input and Daria’s.
    I will be back tomorrow
    XOX



  139.  #139Daria on January 17, 2010 at 6:17 pm

    Tinque – for me word of support feel SOO GOOD!

    Physical touch hugs feel good also.

    But to me words are more than I love you (although thats a big one and will touch me greatly)

    theres encouragement of me, praise of me,

    i LOVE that in a man. I do NOT LIKE men who don’t speak this way to me.

    all my guy friends do, and the men i’ve felt attracted to



  140.  #140Daria on January 17, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    And thank you for saying i have incredible courage and openess!

    i feel all smily ! hehehe!! seeee?? hahahaa

    omgosh i love being praised!



  141.  #141Daria on January 17, 2010 at 6:21 pm

    MARY ! that sounds fairytale fantastic!

    I feel inspired. a tiny jealous and excited that i may go on a wonderful adventure like that tooo

    yay for opening up the world!

    thank you mary!



  142.  #142tinque on January 17, 2010 at 6:32 pm

    Daria – You are adorable. I’m chuckling. It’s true. Most of us if not all of us LOVE praise and encouragement. So here’s more love coming to you. It’s never too much.
    I agree with you about loving this is in a man.
    For me I found when I let go of the expectation of this, that is when it came to me.
    Though K just doesn’t say much about my accomplishments as in my work and my creative pursuits which can hurt sometimes, if I’m being honest about it, I do get SO much of this everywhere else.
    One person for the most cannot be everything in all aspects, so I get most of my “kudos” elsewhere, and I have grown to be accepting and very okay with this.
    I love that he loves and appreciates me hugely with adoration and passion. He makes me feel beautiful and sexy. He takes care. He takes care of me, in most every way. A girl couldn’t ask for more. That girl is me. And I feel very fortunate.
    xxoo



  143.  #143tinque on January 17, 2010 at 6:36 pm

    oh btw Mary, wordpress is the program I use for my blog as does Rori and AG. Often wordpress users blogs “talk” to each other, as in my photo or avatar will show up automatically. that’s all.



  144.  #144tinque on January 17, 2010 at 6:40 pm

    Lola – I too feel concerned as does Daria.
    If he’s withholding, then he’s angry about something.
    Another possibility is that some men are trained to “put out” in the beginning, meaning pretty rhetoric, flowers, tune the violins, but it’s all fluff with no substance.
    Something is up. Have his feelings changed? Is he afraid Are you getting too close for his comfort?
    Or is he going through a bad time? Work? Family?
    These are things to consider.
    xxoo



  145.  #145Daria on January 17, 2010 at 6:51 pm

    UGH i feel furious

    my mom just came in here and started asking me questions about my health that i DID NOT want to answer…

    she asked me what i was doing i said i was reading my blog and relaxing

    she kept asking me ATTACKING FEELING QUESTIONS

    like: arent you gonna go skiing?

    i though tyou said you were gonna go skiing with your friend

    or you guys had a fight huh (no we did not)

    did your friend. …. contact you after she left? no> you guys arent getting along huh

    (we are)

    i actuall was QUIET and did not answer the questions.

    anyway after some time of this she says

    did you get your pap smear? why didnt you go to your pap smear appointment?

    RAAARGH

    i feel furious.

    she asked me aobut my urinarty tract infection, I DO NOT WANT TO DISCUSS THIS WITH HER!! it feels so uncomfortabel

    it feels like shes SEARCHIGN for something to worry about !!!

    grrrrr

    so i said i feel angry being asked about my appointment when i said i would make one laready

    i said i feel unheard and disrespected

    she said ur heard and respected, but i thought you missed it

    then she kept asking me random stuff

    like did i talk to my friend from romania

    i said no. i said i talked to her in romania.

    shes like SIGH (even tho I ANSWERED!!!)

    shes like… welll… i tried asking about like 10 different topics… im gonna go now (with this bitter attitude)

    so i said i feel attacked. im doing something, and i let you know that.

    she said good good you can keep doing what you want, and avoiding the people who love you.

    i said i feel attacked

    she says good you can keep feeling attacked and left

    GRRRR

    FUCK OFFF BITCH

    i do NOT WANT TO ALLOW MYSELF TO BE DRAINED THIS WAY EMOTIONALLY

    i feel furious!!!!

    fucking passive agressive bitch!!

    i feel so weird and uncomfortable writing that word.

    i feel sad

    i dont want to call my mom a bitch

    but i feel awful

    i feel totally not respected.

    I FEEL GROSS THAT MY ENERGY SAYS I DO NOT WANT TO BE ASKED QUESTIONS AND I CONTINUE BEING ASKED QUESTIONS<

    and then my feelings dismissed and i attacked and blamed

    i feel sooo furious

    i feel sad feeling so furious

    i feel sad that feeling this fury i feel scared its gonna make ME SICK

    I FEEL SO FURIOUS THAT SHE COMES HERE AND BASICALLY MAKES ME EMOTIONALLY SICK

    UGH+}]\\\

    I HATE MY FAMILY!

    oh did i mention i bought her flowers. and she said thank you they were beautiful. were they for a speical reason (I felt weird!!) i said no

    i felt good she was saying theyre beatufiul

    i feel furious that im left here attacked and furious

    i was feeling GREAT

    no i feel BAD

    I FEEL ANGRY!!!!

    i feel sobbing.



  146.  #146Daria on January 17, 2010 at 6:53 pm

    i feel crying. i feel like alias girl said once like someone pooped on my head.

    i feel so sad.

    her questions felt so FAKE!!!!

    like this TENSION ENERGY. not like i care and want to know about you

    but like ooh i must ask the exact questions to find the information i want, and spy i will find out something bad or wrong that i can attack

    URRGH

    i feel so sad

    i feel crying and crying….



  147.  #147Daria on January 17, 2010 at 6:57 pm

    i feel so angry and sad and helpless!

    and i feel afriad ill be found crying and then ATTACKED AGAIN!!!

    i feel so sad



  148.  #148Daria on January 17, 2010 at 7:12 pm

    i cred a lot and am feeling better



  149.  #149Daria on January 17, 2010 at 7:16 pm

    Tinque. i feel glad youre given to in other ways you enjoy.

    the pharse “a girl couldn’t ask for more” feels bad to me

    to me
    a woman’s desires and asking for more and more and more and growing and expanding feels great and fuels men’s happiness too

    feeling a lil sad and drained

    feeling sleepy



  150.  #150Rori Raye on January 17, 2010 at 8:03 pm

    Hi, all – did some upgrades…fixed the stuff that got sidetracked – let me know if you experience any other problems…Love, Rori



  151.  #151mary on January 17, 2010 at 8:06 pm

    i had a conversation with my daughter today. she had a wreck and her car is totaled. she needs to get another one, and she said,

    “mom, if i ask you, you don’t know how to buy a car! you’ll just go ask R, or one of your many brothers! so i can do that, too. please trust me to buy a car for myself.”

    I said okay. (that’s really good for me, because i’m leaving for thailand on tuesday!)

    I said… “it would be good, if you buy a car from an individual, to have it checked by a mechanic, and to get an accident report.” she said, “i KNOW. I KNOW!. i KNOW. i KNOW.”

    how did i know that she KNEW?

    and then she said she needed to go to the doctor and get a complete physical. i said, “oh, really?” (just making conversation!!!) that made her MAD.

    “MOM, I can’t even talk to you about the DOCTOR. I’m gonna hang up now!”

    So I said okay.

    And we hung up. And I thought, “What was that all about?”



  152.  #152mary on January 17, 2010 at 8:11 pm

    Rori, I love it that the flower is a Track-back! That is sooooo cool!

    Is there any way to put a picture in there without connecting it to a website?



  153.  #153mary on January 17, 2010 at 8:19 pm

    ooooooooh, Tinque! guess WHAT?

    i just got off the phone with J. we had the most amazing conversation! just laughing and talking and carrying on, and we’re so ONTHESAMEPAGE about stuff!

    he’s gonna come visit me in early March!

    wow oh wow.

    a non-toxic man! should i just leave the toxic dump behind?

    ooooh, that sounds really terrible! i’m never gonna call R a toxic dump!

    but i would pick non-toxic man with family values over toxic man who’s been a player all his life, if i had my choice.

    and it looks like i’m getting ready to have it!

    yippeeeeeeeee! hooooooooraaaaaaaaaaay!



  154.  #154mary on January 17, 2010 at 8:21 pm

    oh, my gosh!

    i passed my test and now J is coming to visit!

    i’m ecstatic!



  155.  #155mary on January 17, 2010 at 8:24 pm

    there’s a song by Ray Boltz, called Seasons Change, and I’m just thinking that maybe, possibly, my season is getting ready to change! there is a time for everything? and a season for every activity under heaven?

    maybe so!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95rmb2W_NTQ

    here are the lyrics:

    SEASONS CHANGE

    Words by Ray Boltz, Music
    by Steve Millikan and Ray Boltz

    I see a farmer in a field at dawn
    His land is crying out for the rain
    The year’s been hard
    His crops are almost gone
    But he is not to blame

    The morning sun is climbing
    In the sky
    I see him smiling through the tears
    I wonder how can men
    Like this survive
    But he’s been here for years

    CHORUS:
    Seasons change
    Barren fields will bloom again
    Seasons change
    Gentle rains will fall
    Seasons change
    Better days will come and then
    You will find the blessing
    Is worth the pain
    So just believe
    And let the seasons change

    I see a farmer in his field at dusk
    With joy he bring a harvest in
    The pride he feels
    Is in the one he trusts
    And he offers thanks to Him

    CHORUS

    Hearts grown cold
    May be warmed by the summer sun
    Dreams you hold
    May be closer than you know
    Let the

    CHORUS



  156.  #156mary on January 17, 2010 at 8:29 pm

    Dreams you hold
    May be closer than you know!

    March… and Victoria will be pink with cherry blossoms!



  157.  #157Daria on January 17, 2010 at 9:41 pm

    To put a picture up Without Connecting to a website, check out Rori’s article in the UNCATEGORIZED section —> to the left



  158.  #158Lisa on January 17, 2010 at 9:46 pm

    Thought you’d all enjoy this, from the Washington Post’s advice columnist Carolyn Hax:

    Washington, D.C.: Do ultimatums about getting married ever work out?

    For instance, if you both agree that you want to get married and when you ask why a proposal hasn’t come you are told “I just haven’t gotten around to it yet…” (And you’ve been told that they want to ask, they don’t want YOU asking.)

    I say yes, in this case it can work. It’s not MARRY ME OR ELSE, it’s Come on, get around to it.

    What do you think?

    Carolyn Hax: I think that if someone who is withholding something he knows you want, who is openly admitting he has no good reason for withholding it, and who refuses to let go of the controls over this thing he knows you want, is your definition of Prince Charming, then, lob all the ultimatums you want.

    Otherwise, I’d just start, today, making your own choices about your own life and resolve to stop letting people jerk you around.



  159.  #159Daria on January 17, 2010 at 9:53 pm

    Hi Mary – the convo you had with your daughter really stood out to me because of what ive been feeling with my mom this eveninng.

    To me it looks like she said “trust me to buy the car”

    not “give me some helpful advice”.

    I know as moms, leaning forward is ok to help, unlinke with men. I know too, that its very important to do the things you suggested.

    To me personally, saying trust me to buy the car means I don’t like help, I would like the JOY and satisfaction to do it on my own without advice. And i feel BELITTELED and DISRESPECTED by UNsolicited advice from my mom. and then i FEEL FURIOUS and NOT UNDERSTOOD. (I don’t know if she felt that way… thats how I feel. I am helping myself writing this).

    In the Lefkoe Belief Change, a lot of negative beliefs, like “I’m Incapable” came from parents not allowing children to do things for themselves and doing them for them.

    I don’t want to criticize you, I feel afraid of triggering you. I feel upset with my own mom still.

    She came in and saw i was napping and said, oh whats wrong, IM SORRY, and put her hand on my cheek. and that felt good and i pressed against it. And then I said, I’ve been feeling upset. and she says: oh, don’t keep getting upset so bad.

    =( that felt bad. i feel upset.

    A lot of the questions my mom was asking me were about the doctor. She told me, oh a UTI how do u know u have a uti, u have to go to the doctor, don’t treat yourself?

    mmm I WANT to treat myself. I believe in my power over my health and that I can heal myself.

    oh yeah… So I may be projecting, but this is how it would have been for me:

    the “oh really?” may have sounded concerned, as if the intent was not to share, but to find something to worry about… which makes ME FEEL NOT TRUSTED.

    A feeling like as If somewhere she’s saying to herself:

    ohhh my daughter is incapable and clueless, she’s going to the doctor, OMG what could that mean, i better take over this and find out more before she ruins it or does something really stupid

    which feels terrible.

    I take the example of friends (not saying people should be friends with their children, but you know what a little trust and respect helps… and if they’re grown, friends might be a good thing)

    if i told a friend i was going to the doctor for a checkup

    she would not say OH really?

    she would say, oh ok.

    cuz she trusts me to go to the doctor, and its not a big deal if im not making one of it.

    i feel shaky and vibrating in me.

    rrrrr



  160.  #160Daria on January 17, 2010 at 9:57 pm

    Wow Carolyn Hax i feel impressed. Especially by the stop letting people jerk you around!



  161.  #161Daria on January 17, 2010 at 9:59 pm

    My mom says “outwardly” ok things, like “oh really?” when her tone and energy is saying something else. I FEEL FURIOUS AT THIS.

    she does it with my dad, too, when she’s upset, making AWFUL FEELING to me Sarcastic remarks, and then says,

    what what?

    as if she doesn’t even realize she’s saying them.

    or asking these QUESTIONS?

    my poor dad tries to answer them and even says theyre weird, but

    DUH

    shes feeling angry!

    the questions are bullshit

    i feel really mad

    and hopeless

    we’ll never crawl out of this FUckin black hole



  162.  #162Daria on January 17, 2010 at 10:01 pm

    i want HELP. please help me. thank you angels. I feel sad and hopeless.

    I do not want to leave my house with my parent relationships unhealed.

    and I do not want to keep getting hurt.

    HELP ME PLEASE. i feel sad and weak.

    THANK YOU ANGELS!



  163.  #163Daria on January 17, 2010 at 10:14 pm

    OHHH my friend just helped me realize!

    i CRIED!

    this is great! i don’t often go into a strong sobbing cry session after being upset at my mom ! (at my dad, yes lately)

    it felt awesome that i could cry that hard!

    that is good!



  164.  #164Daria on January 17, 2010 at 10:16 pm

    ohh in the acupuncture office, after doing what felt intensely healing, i started laughing.

    and i realized i miss laughing, like shaking belly laughing.

    i used to laugh like that with my best friend all day.

    and i do/did with my guy friends, especially my brother i saw a few days ago.

    well i am actually going to look into laughter yoga.



  165.  #165Nancy on January 17, 2010 at 11:17 pm

    Kay and Daria,

    Thanks for your thoughts on the Christian Carter stuff. That’s just the kind of input I was looking for. I did like his explanation of the differences between the male and femal comittment processes in Casual to Comitted. It explained a lot. As much as I want to be focused on myself, understanding men can help with me moving toward what I want. I’ll see how I feel about it.



  166.  #166Nancy on January 17, 2010 at 11:19 pm

    janjune,

    Thanks for your comment! I feel pretty great not dreading the end any longer. I know I wouldn’t like it, but it’s not going to ‘take me out’ like it has in the past if it happens. I know what to do!

    Thank you Rori!



  167.  #167Nancy on January 17, 2010 at 11:21 pm

    i just spent an hour or so on cnn looking at the news from haiti. my problems suddenly feel so small.



  168.  #168Daria on January 17, 2010 at 11:44 pm

    Nancy!

    check out Mama Gena’s Operating Guide to Men. I think its downloadable for liek 8 bucks.!

    i like mama gena because it feels so uplifting and empowering



  169.  #169Daria on January 17, 2010 at 11:51 pm

    im having a wonderful convo with a man who called me and who is trainign to run trakc for the olympics.

    and he wants to cmoe see me tomorrow
    and he wants to buy me a remote control webcam

    and hes asking wat turnes me on and he asked the magic qL

    him: so if i just grabbed you and kissed you,, youd like it better than asking if i could kiss ya?

    YES!



  170.  #170Nancy on January 17, 2010 at 11:55 pm

    Hey Daria, thanks! I will.

    Also, thanks for the comment about my cover up, lol. I really didn’t want to call him. I had a moment of overwhelming emotion and am getting so much better at not acting out of that. But I really ended up glad it happened, because I was able to text him and say I know he’s taking a time-out and will wait to hear from him, at the same time that I was ‘covering my ass’. This feels good. It’s completely clear that it’s in his court and I don’t have any room to wonder about that. I like that.

    Now for some Mama Gena.



  171.  #171Rori Raye on January 18, 2010 at 12:11 am

    Daria – this is something I think we all know about and experience…this feeling of being small when we’re around our parents, no matter how old we are. This feeling of needing their approval, and getting all tangled up in our triggered feelings. So…here’s the trick. When you feel triggered by them, stop. Sit down, breathe, don’t talk. Look them in the eye. Keep breathing. Nod your head. Notice if you’re feeling all tense in your heart, and work to relax it and release it. Work with your body. This is a body-dialogue time. Now, you’re going to have to focus on compassion. NOT forgiveness (At least, that doesn’t work for me, it’s too “out there.” Consider compassion. Direct it at yourself. Then direct it at them. Let your heart fill, don’t talk, just aim compassion at yourself and at them. Nod your head. If they’re saying things you need to stand up to, really listen and hear them, so you can go home and write it all down. When you write it all down, write speeches for it…things like “I don’t want to talk about that.” Or “I don’t want to hear about that.” “I’ll have to leave if we start talking about that.” BUT you have to do it with a smile, with humor, and with compassion – big time – or you’ll trigger your anger and guilt, and then you’ll get all tangled up. So practice.

    One step at a time. This is a big AWARENESS thing. Practice. Don’t try to heal, just practice with them. You can do this. Love, Rori



  172.  #172Daria on January 18, 2010 at 12:16 am

    Thank you rori:

    recording what the man online told me:

    so tell them why you dont want to move,, because you love them and want them to work out and are scared!

    come home tomorrow and say hey,, can i talk to you guys



  173.  #173Daria on January 18, 2010 at 12:24 am

    Thank you again Rori.

    hehe “when you get home” i live with them hehe.

    when i get to my mermaid home in the coral reefs



  174.  #174mary on January 18, 2010 at 1:33 am

    hi daria,

    i’ve been out tonight, but i’m reading your posts now. hmmmmmm… thank you for the explanation of how you would feel in my daughter’s position! i really appreciate knowing!

    she’s gonna buy a car that she’ll have for the next four or five years, because she’s a dog trainer! and doesn’t make a fortune, and i want her to be SURE, not just hope that she will, but i want her to be SURE that she gets an inspection and checks for an accident report, because i’m gonna be out of the country and i can’t help her when the time comes to actually make the purchase.

    she’s young and i know she doesn’t know to do this, even if she says, “I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOWWWWWW!”

    so i’m fine if she’s mad at me. more fine than i would be if she got a bum car. YES! let her buy it herself! and YES! i will have an input because, because, because… i love her and i’m her mother and that’s all there is to it. i’m the only mother she has in the whole universe. not many people love her as much as i do, and want her to have a car she can drive that works when she needs to go to work.

    i’m with you on the “oh, really?” mindless saying. and i understand how parents can REALLY irritate their kids by saying the things they’ve said a lot over the years. i’m not aware of all the things that have the potential to tick her off, so it isn’t even possible to pussyfoot around them. i don’t even try! i just don’t get super offended when she gets a bit mad here and there. a little “what’s up with that?” and i’m on my way.

    and hey. pull out your gun and trigger me! i’m having fun and learning a lot here.



  175.  #175alias girl on January 18, 2010 at 2:04 am

    i had sex with m e r r y c h r i s t m a s a few days ago. i felt really good to see him. and since i have known him since pre rori it is very fun to see (AND FEEL) the evolution of my goddessness and his godliness.

    🙂

    but uh yeah still circular dating.



  176.  #176alias girl on January 18, 2010 at 2:18 am

    so i was having this email back and forth with some guy that had emailed me and i was emailing him in between doing other things and then when i was done doing my other things i went to shut down my computer.

    i had completely forgotten about him. oops. i believe i am successfully in the circular dating mind frame.



  177.  #177alias girl on January 18, 2010 at 2:26 am

    daria when i read the situation you described with your mom i felt unclear about the communication from both sides.

    i didn’t hear any clear boundaries or statements like, “mom it seems like you might need something or want to talk right now but this actually isn’t the best time for me. what do you think?”

    what do you think?

    mary i might feel disrespected if a person so underestimated my abilities to do things for myself. even if it meant me making my own mistakes. i would feel really shut down and wanting to shut that person OUT of my process and car buying adventure. i would not feel supported i would feel belittled.

    lisa you post so many interesting things. thank you.



  178.  #178Daria on January 18, 2010 at 2:35 am

    Mary I do understand your concern. i feel AWW reading how much you care about your daughter.

    heres something that i felt a lil triggered by:

    “i will have an input because, because, because… i love her and i’m her mother and that’s all there is to it.”

    this could also be:

    “i will give her the trust she asks for because, because, because….i love her and i’m her mother and that’s all there is to it.”

    I feel sad. I’ve had to keep myself from sharing parts of my life because i didn’t feel trusted by her, and i don’t trust her either … not to hear me out on something important to me and not judge, and support me.

    i feel sad. Sometimes i could’ve used her support. But i felt horrified by some of the reactions of Take Over and Panic, Drama i experienced from her before, when i shared stuff that was troubling me.

    it doesn’t feel safe! to share. and that matters more than that she got her imput about things that i already knew.

    i feel SO ANGRY when my mom tells me things i already know.

    Furious. it’s not a good thing in our relationship. i care much less about having a good car.

    i would crash 10 cars with no helmet in exchange for my mothers trust



  179.  #179Daria on January 18, 2010 at 2:37 am

    OMG Alias Girl! i feel like OH! mouth drops open. heart open!

    wow

    thank you! this is fabulous!!!

    “mom it seems like you might need something or want to talk right now but this actually isn’t the best time for me. what do you think?”

    oh wow.

    i just said it!

    and the what do you think at the end makes it so extra brilliant.

    oh thank u thank you thank you alias girl



  180.  #180Daria on January 18, 2010 at 2:42 am

    Mary – aslo you mentioned she said

    “mom, i CANT even TALK TO YOU about the doctor”

    it sounds like shes saying she feels like she cant talk to you.

    i feel bad. this is how i feel with my mom. it’s not worth having a good car.



  181.  #181Daria on January 18, 2010 at 2:48 am

    ” i’m not aware of all the things that have the potential to tick her off, so it isn’t even possible to pussyfoot around them. i don’t even try!”

    gosh this feels bad.

    the things that would piss me off are the same things that would piss a man off, or anyone else that someone was attempting to control (even if its because they want the best for them).

    INauthenticity. MisTrust. DisRespect. DisRegard for my feelings.

    Attack. Blame. InAUTHENTICITY – including “funny” tones and meanings.

    i feel furious! i feel so stuck that people think its Ok to treat someone badly because they think its best for them.

    it feels like a tail chasing trap!

    ugh!

    I shut off all communication about my life with my mom due to these things. I DON”T WANT TO FEEL LIKE I CANT SHARE WITH MY MOM. AND I DONT WANT TO SHARE AND FEEL ATTACKED OR CONTROLLED.

    I feel kinda hopeless.

    rori said i can do this, but i feel hopeless.

    i love my hopeless feelings.



  182.  #182Daria on January 18, 2010 at 2:51 am

    How do parents act that emotionally support their grown children?

    from what i noticed, they treat them as other adults, and with respect. those parents and their children seem to have really close relationships. where the children ACTUALLY ASK for advice, because it feels safe to do so.

    I WANT THAT

    ANGELS. I FEEL DESPERATE. PLEASE HELP ME HAVE THIS.

    THANK YOU!



  183.  #183Daria on January 18, 2010 at 2:54 am

    My godsister and her mom have a great relationship.

    hmm… i can use that as a resource in EFT.

    Even though i feel my mom and I’s relationship is hopeless, I choose to remember (Them)

    Her mom does help her, give her advice, even take emergency action when she’s doing something terrible (like drinking herself to death). But she respects her and her decisions.

    Because in the end, it’s still her who makes the decisions.

    and i can decide not to take advice. Actually, I feel SO RESISTANT to my mom’s unsolicited advice, that sometimes when she tells me to do somethin i Wanted to do, it sets me back days until i am able to bring back my desire to do it.



  184.  #184Daria on January 18, 2010 at 3:12 am

    back to celebrate!

    i am no longer in love with guywhohadababy!

    I WAS IN LOVE AND NOW IM HEALED

    yayyyyyyy

    thank you thank you Daria.



  185.  #185Daria on January 18, 2010 at 3:13 am

    in my last dream with him in it, he was tryna flirt with me, although he was getting married. and i did not go for it!

    YEAH!!! i didn’t feel as affected.

    woo

    wooo wooooo

    go meee

    its my day

    go meee
    woo haaa



  186.  #186Daria on January 18, 2010 at 3:23 am

    Rori said for me to write speeches about what they say to me when i feel the need to stand up for myself.

    i can do that!



  187.  #187Tina on January 18, 2010 at 3:32 am

    What to say hm, Well recently I this guy contact me again, we met about three summers ago and had a one night stand. Well he was the first guy I slept with after I split with my ex, maybe four summers ago lol, I cant remember but yeah, I had sex with him six months after I split with my ex. He said hi what you doing? I said nothing much and thats it. He never responded after that lol. I was feeling suprised that I was still on his messenger. Anyway, we spent one night and one day together and worked out at the gym together the following day hm.



  188.  #188alias girl on January 18, 2010 at 3:35 am

    i feel curious to read all these feelings about feeling controlled.

    i do not like to be controlled. it sounds like daria does not like to be controlled. it sounds like mary’s daughter doesn’t. i bet a lot of people don’t. especially men.

    i love my former controlling self in the guise of “helping”. argh. like a capable man needs my unsolicited “help”. i feel embarrassed and just laughed an embarrassed laugh. i feel shaking my head and heat rising to my face.

    i wouldn’t feel attracted to that if i was a man. i feel good i have awareness about it now.

    i feel good i am learning to back off on my “helping” people. i can still catch myself doing it A lot though. because i think i know everything and am soooo smart. well maybe i should use all that brilliance to help myself!



  189.  #189alias girl on January 18, 2010 at 3:37 am

    i feel joy at the avatars.



  190.  #190Tina on January 18, 2010 at 6:52 am

    “what I want” and “how it feels” got it! 🙂 I sometimes feel manipulative, however I’m not manipulating anyone, I feel giggly, I’m smiling secretly, this has nothing to do with anyone but me. It’s all about me!



  191.  #191tinque on January 18, 2010 at 8:57 am

    Daria – You so amuse me and keep me on my toes. I was thinking about the phrase below later in the evening and just knew you would catch it.
    “a girl couldn’t ask for more”
    You’re absolutely right. THIS girl, ME is very happy with how I receive love, but yes there’s room for more. I believe there are no limits to the depths and breadths love can extend to.
    The more we can open and allow, receive, the more we will receive.
    This is not a greedy thing or a feeling of dissatisfaction.
    I don’t want more necessarily. I feel very satisfied, replete, yet I have the capacity for more. We all do.
    xxoo



  192.  #192janjune on January 18, 2010 at 9:51 am

    journaling–

    last night when i was with dandj, i suggested the three of us do something that i know d loves to do. he hasn’t been feeling well. so j jumped right in and said oh, yeh, then looked at d and said “that would be good for you honey” meaning to get out and do this thing you love to do.
    d = scowly face at her!
    j = head down, shoulders up, uh-oh look on face!
    i felt like j was giving d a feeling message cloaked in a command and if she knew how to give feeling messages she would have said:

    j = “i feel happy about the thought of getting out and doing this thing we all love to do, that is your passion honey.”

    but there he was all scowly face at her and his vibe got completely off course because of the way the love of his life DELIVERED the message rather than picking up on the message itself!!

    ohmagosh! i realized what was happening!
    (maybe it’s easier right now for me this way, watching the dynamic play out between other people than it would be for me to be in the heat of the battle so to speak. i feel like i’m being given the opportunity to watch others NOT do it right (meaning the Rori way) to give me one more way to let rori’s tools and knowledge
    s-o-a-k
    into my spirit being.)

    so anyway, i stood there for a split second or two and realized
    he hates her message (you SHOULD do something)
    he MISSED her real messge (i love you honey)
    he FOCUSED ON HIS *FEELINGS*
    ohgoshohgoshohgosh :):):):)
    this was a BIG one woohoo
    woohoowhoohoowoohoo
    i broke out into a big smile realizing what i was watching go on
    straightened my head so i was directly looking at him – no tilting of the head – just looking him straight on
    took a half step backwards
    opened my heart
    looked him straight in the eye with all the respectloveaffection i have for him
    and radiated toward him!

    honestly, his body slightly jolted, like a slight “jump”
    he looked slightly confused.
    i continued.
    he knows i love him, we have been friends a long time i love both of them there is no sexualness between him and me just extended family i love her very much she is one of my best friends in the world and the three of us have a deep bond of trust and friendship they are like very much like family to me. they ARE family to me.

    he continued looking me straight into the eyeballs.
    piercing i think i would call it.
    i could see him evaluating my stance, felt him determining by my stance if i was taking a stand against him and i could see it on his face
    he didn’t *say, speak* anything
    i also felt him evaluating my posture.
    stance meaning muscular positioning- was i *tight*
    posture meaning more skeletal positioning – was i “braced”
    i could feel him checking me out this was happening in split second timing
    no no and no
    no my energy wasn’t against him
    no my muscles weren’t tigthened up against him
    no my skelatal structure wasn’t braced up against him.

    i see now that if i’d turned my palms up and out i proba bly would have been in perfect rori raye dance position! but it all happened so fast i didn’t have time to think about it, i just did what came naturally at this point.

    i could tell he didn’t know what had just happened but that something had.
    it felt like he was trying to decide whether to be embarrassed or not a couple times, then decided *not*! yippee!!! he could tell i was *not* against him in any way shape or form! literally, too!! this feels beautiful!!!

    i could also tell the precise moment when he shifted out of his girl energy.

    looks like they shift with the women they’re with.
    when he felt she went into *boy* by giving him a “you should” message, he went into *girl*; then when he focused his attention toward me and i shifted into *girl* countering his *girl* energy, he felt safe to go back into *boy*. well i dont know whether safe is the word but on one level it felt like he felt “safe”.

    i had just OUTGIRLED him!!
    aaaaahhahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
    HE *L-O-V-E-D* IT!!!!!!
    woohoo outgirling a man!!
    it feels so good!!!
    for BOTH of us!
    the man loved it!! yippeee!!!!

    he DUG it! BIG TIME!!!!!

    anyway, being the good man that he is his next moves were priceless
    he dropped his shoulders,
    repositioned his body and stood up straight and tall
    looked again at me, right straight in the eyes
    smiled a great big happy warm smile
    put his arm around my shoulder and hugged me up a little
    laughed and
    with a beautiful unscowly face
    kind of chuckled and said “well,… we’ll see…”

    we all just stood there beaming at one another feeling the warmth of such sweet friendship.



  193.  #193mary on January 18, 2010 at 10:13 am

    well, this discussion is very interesting to me.

    i will walk away from it, and years from now i will remember this, alias girl:

    “i feel good i am learning to back off on my “helping” people. i can still catch myself doing it A lot though. because i think i know everything and am soooo smart. well maybe i should use all that brilliance to help myself!”

    that is brilliant.



  194.  #194mary on January 18, 2010 at 10:17 am

    thank you for all of these thoughts, daria.

    thank you for all of these thoughts, alias girl.

    my daughter called this morning and she said, “mom, where is the title of my car?”

    and i wasn’t there when the car changed hands. i gave her sister money to help with a car, and her sister gave her that car.

    she said, “maybe it’s in the glove compartment?”

    and i said, “i don’t think so. it doesn’t seem like you would have put it there, because if someone broke into the car, they could get your title, and then transfer it into their name, and the car would be theirs.” (trying, with all of my heart, with all of my might, with all of my mind to be diplomatic, but not knowing quite how…)

    and she said, “MOM. i didn’t know that! how am i supposed to KNOW these things if you don’t tell them to me?”

    and I said, “i don’t know. but i respect your ability to figure things out.”



  195.  #195alias girl on January 18, 2010 at 10:23 am

    aw mary that’s so cute. it sounds like there was a bit of a shift perhaps for both of you. aw.



  196.  #196alias girl on January 18, 2010 at 10:27 am

    hey rori changed the blog color. i like it!



  197.  #197Lisa on January 18, 2010 at 10:28 am

    janjune,

    Thank you for sharing. That was a priceless experience in energetics. I learned, too.



  198.  #198mary on January 18, 2010 at 11:04 am

    okay! my daughter and i just talked again, and please let me say that these interchanges are not terribly dramatic. we tell each other we’re mad all the time and then just go ahead with whatever.

    she’s doing tons of research! i’m so proud of her. i know she’ll make a good decision.

    and she branched off into telling me she needs contacts ($$$), inspections ($$$) and again, that she’s going to the doctor ($$$).

    it’s okay.

    for me, it’s a time of tension, and there’s no real escaping it. it isn’t even a bad tension. but for 20 years i’ve been functioning as any loving mother would. watching to see if it’s safe to cross the street, and even if she wants to, holding her back if it’s not safe. and watching out in other ways for her safety. if not, she would have run off with a 30 year old guy to brazil, because he wanted american citizenship, and i probably would have never seen her again. she was 18, and i said NO, NO, NO. now she says, “thank you, mom.” she’s likes to try things. she has a little wild spirit, and i love it so much!

    the tension is that she needs $$$ for flying. and wants to fly unencumbered. wants me to stay in the nest and watch as she soars through the air and lands on a perch far away. i have mixed feelings about this. (not about the $$$, but about the perch far away…) she is already far away, flying or not, because i moved away from my whole family – to canada – and that’s really sad for everyone. she moved here so she could be near me, but immigration laws were so strict and they are so biased against americans that it would have been years before she could have gotten a job and supported herself, and she wanted to do that, so she went to dog training school and moved back to Texas.

    it’s so sad. we’re a lot alike and enjoy doing crazy things together. and going on photo shoots. and talking about guys. and taking her dog for walks in the woods. and shopping for clothes made of hemp. she wanted to live here. and when i took her to the airport at christmas, she said, “Mom. WHEN will i see you again?” and i said, “well… february?” and she said, “and WHY do you live here?”

    and that haunts me.

    oh, daria! you said this, and it reminded me SO MUCH of thinking this about my dad when I was in my early twenties, and i had forgotten all about it:

    “sometimes when she tells me to do somethin i Wanted to do, it sets me back days until i am able to bring back my desire to do it.” i remember thinking exactly this, “Yes. I was gonna do that, but now that you suggested it, i’m not, because i wanted it to be MY IDEA.”

    I’m suddenly remembering that i wanted everything to be MY IDEA.

    light bulb.

    flashing!!!

    on off on off on off

    THANK YOU, daria.

    i’m so happy to remember that.

    i will make room for my daughter to have her own ideas!

    reminds me of you, daria.

    just now she branched off into telling me how much she loves her boyfriend K, and that he has the MOST dreamy brown eyes, and she can’t wait for me to meet him when i come.



  199.  #199mary on January 18, 2010 at 11:08 am

    that “reminds me of you daria” went up with the paragraph about her having a little bit of a wild spirit, which – actually – you remind me of her!



  200.  #200mary on January 18, 2010 at 11:09 am

    alias girl, i love your thinking around all this and the way you’re expressing yourself.

    and both of you: i’m happy to be learning.



  201.  #201alias girl on January 18, 2010 at 11:27 am

    mary that feels awesome.

    i like that you shared that about MY IDEA. i like that. i learn so much from everyone.



  202.  #202Rachel on January 18, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    Daria,

    I remember you describing a tool that was something about rubbing your heart? I can’t find it. Could you please write about that again? I have been experiencing a dull aching in my chest for a few days. I know it’s emotional and I feel like this tool would help.

    Thank you so much!



  203.  #203Robin on January 18, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    I Know I like this Post, but i need to go back and reread it…I’ve been feeling really distracted, its hard for me to switch into my thinking mode right now.

    I had two very interesting cd experiences this weekend, one fabulous, the other here to teach me, and Im sure I’ll learn a lot.

    I’ll comment on both, but Im feeling ‘storm-tossed’ right now, as Rori put it in Siren, so I will talk about the 2nd experience first.

    I got to church yesterday to sing, I had a fabulous date with Mr. Fav tuesday, he gave me his jacket, so I had that with me in my car. Im upstairs getting ready to sing, and I see him waving at me from downstairs, smiling warmly, I waved back, and it felt good. I then looked over and saw that he had brought a lady with him to church.

    And I felt immediately like I had been punched in the stomach, I felt shocked, surprised, confused, DISTINCTLY angry, and distinctly NOT despairing…

    I could feel the blood heating up in my arms and at the same time I could feel my tear ducts welling up.

    And I couldnt think anything, the feelings were SO strong that my body just took over…there was not even the option of trying to get into my head about it..and Im breathing, but Im feeling like Ive been punched in the stomach, and I found myself making sounds, sighing, and just allowing my body to feel fully everything.

    So my ex is asking me if Im ok, its clear somethings up, and I didnt feel like closing down with him, so I said there was someone downstairs that I felt surprised to see…he’s asking questions, an ex bf? a lover? who is it then? did he do something to make you angry? you can slip out quickly after mass…

    I said I feel angry right now, he said you only have 2 emotions, angry and happy…that pissed me off…

    And I feel guilty for saying anything to my ex, its like great, he’s gonna think I cant handle my emotions..fml

    And then the guy downstairs looked up and waved to me again later on, I smiled and waved back, I tried to keep the 3 positions Rori talks about, where you love yourself, you love him, and you choose to open your heart, i was really working on that one..

    But at the same time, I could feel that tree trunk getting bigger and bigger, and the Goddess was pissed…

    I said, ok , I feel jealous, I dont want to share him with anyone else, and Im not willing to compete with other women.

    (And later, my mom, said, so you can date others, but he cant??, and I said, I dont want to share him, Im not willing to compete with other women, and I wont allow myself to be trampled on.., so yeah, b/c thats just how i feel about it” And then she got it, she said ‘who cares what he thinks of that..”)

    Anyway, I look over, my friends who love him, are sitting one row back, and Im thinking ‘oh shit…” and the camera guy’s there too…so i just practiced stepping back and loving myself when I felt myself shutting down..and that worked.

    Well, he usually waits outside for me after Mass, and as I walked down the stairs and decided I would be fine, I noticed he had left, he ducked out…

    About 30 minutes later I got a txt from him “Sorry I left so quick. Had to get to the game…”

    I haven’t responded.

    My first reaction was to tell him when he asks me out again that Im not sure Im available to see him again.

    All the while Ive been (this past weekend) I was listening to the CD w/ Guest speaker Gina Ratliffe( same cd as the 3 positions, in commitment blueprint), and she talks about Queen Esther, and I listened to it 3 times saturday and made my mom listen to it too (she loved it!), so when this happened I started reflecting on what she would have done, how she would have reacted, and really trying to reach that inner place of wisdom, for what to do and how to respond, rather than react to this…

    I asked my mom, ‘how WOULD she have reacted?’ And as fast as I had asked it, she said, well she would invite him over and not bring it up, when he asks you out, have him go to YOUR place (he’s been picking me up at my mom’s), dont say anything about it, he may bring it up, and then later casually bring it up…but in the meantime, take really good care of yourself, take nice bubblebaths, eat well, take care of your skin, like Esther did..”

    So I spent yesterday in retreat, I went home, worked on things that have been holding me back..and as Im writing all this Im feeling better, b/c this morning, I felt like going in a corner and crying, I could feel that despair creeping up…

    Im just kinda hanging low, I turned off the phone and left it in my car, and it felt a sense of release…

    …..



  204.  #204janine on January 18, 2010 at 1:58 pm

    i have been in a relationship for two years he told me he was a commitment phobic and had a 8 yr and 5yr relationship both times engaged. he wont give time to relationships at all. but has seen me the most, i.e 5 nights a week now at new year he says he no longer wants to be in a realationship, but is happy to see me but less 4 nights a week. i am having trouble stepping away as i feel lost, i know he is not the one for me but after being on my own for 3 years just feel so insecure. any advice on how to manage this, do i carry on seeing him i do enjoy his company and he is helpful but i want the right man now in my life.



  205.  #205Nancy on January 18, 2010 at 3:50 pm

    What are everyone’s thoughts on giving an important speech over the phone?

    My internet is down today so I only have my phone and typing is so slow with one finger. But I’m dying to know what you think and feel about this. Don’t remember ever hearing Rori talk about it. I’ll be back to the blog once my service is back.

    Xxoo
    Nancy



  206.  #206Rori Raye on January 18, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    Rachel and Daria – if this was “Emotrance” – I’ll write more about it. For now, just put your hand on your heart, and imagine strands of gold and sparkly stuff that are now all tangled together – imagine them unraveling, slowly, and leaving your body – which is what they want to do. Don’t direct them…just let them move. I’ll write more, but let me know how just this works for you. Love, Rori



  207.  #207Rori Raye on January 18, 2010 at 3:46 pm

    Janine, Welcome, and you’re asking for the entire Rori Raye program…so we have to start with the basics so you’ll feel better and stronger fast, and start moving forward. You can do this…read everything you find here, get my eletters, and start with my ebook, Have The Relationship You Want and really, really DO the Tools there. They will turn things around for you quickly. The women here will help you get grounded…For now…touch objects, get into your body as best you can, and we’ll help you from there. Love, Rori



  208.  #208Robin on January 18, 2010 at 3:51 pm

    Nancy,

    I have always felt that saying something important is always best in person, that way there is less chance for misinterpretation. In person just feels more personal.

    HOWEVER, if it was something you feel is just fine speaking via email, then by all means, txt is just as good..

    If your intuition is telling you to wait, then wait…

    My 2 cents..hope it helps!



  209.  #209Daria on January 18, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    Rori and Rachel –

    Thanks Rori!

    no it wasnt quite Emotrance (although I feel fascinated by emotrance)

    The RUB YOUR HEART tool is simple

    rub your heart gently in a clockwise cirular motion

    do this for awhile, like up to 15 min

    allow feelings to come up

    you might start feeling like crying, or be overcome with compassion for yourself… or… whatever comes up for YOU

    your heart loves your attention!!



  210.  #210Daria on January 18, 2010 at 4:11 pm

    Nancy – for me, however i get the speech OUT, feels good !



  211.  #211tinque on January 18, 2010 at 4:12 pm

    Not over the phone Nancy. In person and from memory if you have trouble improvising.
    xxoo



  212.  #212Robin on January 18, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    The kicker yesterday w/ all this was when I went to bfast w/ my friends after church and they asked me about mr. fav, where was he? why did he leave so fast? are you guys still going out? when was the last time you guys went out?( And Im thinking ‘geez, lay, the f&*$ off…), I told them yes we are still dating, and no, I dont know where he is right now…

    And one of them says ‘oh I thought we were going to hear wedding bells…’
    I said ‘oh, you will…”

    To which another said, ‘well F (my ex) may be getting married soon, b/c he bought a house, and I said to him oh you’re buying the house before getting married, and he said yes but that the wedding’s coming soon..”

    REALLY????? Did I really need to hear that NOW, universe????
    Just lovely

    I dont think I want to hang out with these friends anymore…something just feels off….I cant put my finger on it, but my energy feels like its shrinking.

    I want to kick some ass right now…I feel so pissed



  213.  #213Tina on January 18, 2010 at 5:46 pm

    I liked the old blog better *sniff, I cant take this change. I feel confused 🙁



  214.  #214Rachel on January 18, 2010 at 7:30 pm

    Thank you Daria… that was what I remembered but I wasn’t quite sure of the details. I’m going to try this when i go to bed tonight. It sounds like it will feel soothing and healing.



  215.  #215Nancy on January 18, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    janjune,

    I’m not sure if I posted this before, but thank you! I feel incredibly happy to say that I really DO know what to do and that I’ll be okay. More than ever before in my life! And it just feels so good that you printed it to save for later. Thank you.



  216.  #216Nancy on January 18, 2010 at 8:18 pm

    go katie!



  217.  #217alias girl on January 18, 2010 at 8:23 pm

    i feel a little uncomfortable with change myself. i feel unsure how to keep up with everything if the most recent comments don’t show up at the end of the thread but i will have to search through every single comment to see if anyone posted anything new. that feels very time consuming and i’m not sure the pay off would be worth it for me.

    however, i am resistant to all change initially so i feel open to see/feel how it goes.

    rrrrrr…. i feel resistant.



  218.  #218Nancy on January 18, 2010 at 8:25 pm

    I was thinking more about Christian’s stuff and what is different about it from Rori’s this morning. Christian is great because he bluntly reiterates what Rori says about men, ie, they do what they want and if he’s not calling, it’s because he doesn’t wanna. I get a LOT out of reading and listening to him. He’s opened my eyes to some really useful info about men and how they operate. I think where he loses me is when he gets to the beginning of a relationship. He basically says, and I’m completely paraphrasing, just relax, feel and be confident and hang in there without freaking out and things will be fine. Much easier said than done! I am so grateful that I found Rori and CD! It is the ONLY thing that is going to keep me from feeling anxious and appearing needy and desperate in a dating situation.



  219.  #219Nancy on January 18, 2010 at 8:27 pm

    Thanks for your input! I’ll just have to see how I feel when the time comes!



  220.  #220dorothea on January 18, 2010 at 10:03 pm

    uuuurgh what the EFF, a man came to spend time with me while I was out with my friends in a mountain town where he lives, and now I CAN’T. STOP. THINKING. ABOUT. HIM. I’ve seen him around twice before and hung out with him just this once. And I want him here with me. I miss someone I hung out with once. I don’t even know him. I want to make out with him! I want to f*ck him. I want to cuddle with him on my couch and make him turkey sandwiches when he’s hungry.

    URGH WTF THIS IS WEIRD. I feel confused. I don’t think I usually feel like this when I meet men. URGH WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME



  221.  #221DocK on January 19, 2010 at 7:45 am

    Dorothea – sounds like attraction with a capital A!!!



  222.  #222DocK on January 19, 2010 at 7:53 am

    Robin,

    Been there with the questions ugh!

    I just said, ‘Wow, I feel overwhelmed. So many questions. Hmmm. I don’t feel worried.’ (and I’ve had this happen not just when men are the topic but job, future, etc.)

    You know, the right guy is the right guy. Could be this one, might not be…doesn’t matter cuz when the right guy claims you – the rest don’t matter.



  223.  #223DocK on January 19, 2010 at 8:01 am

    In my gratitude work – I always practice standing in the place of gratitude from where I am now but always saying to the Universe that as I recognize everything I have right now – I allow it to expand into even more beyond my wildest dreams. It isn’t about being ungrateful for what you already have (just as you are saying) – that would be “lack consciousness” but knowing that the power for good that is light and love is filled with possibility even beyond what I can dream up – and so I tell it I am getting out of the way so that it can play and gift me freely.



  224.  #224dorothea on January 19, 2010 at 11:40 am

    Dock,
    A..trac…tion?

    YUCK

    *runs the other way*

    hehehehe



  225.  #225Robin on January 19, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    Doc K, Thank you for your words! I love the ‘I dont feel worried..” Thats wonderful!



  226.  #226Robin on January 19, 2010 at 3:45 pm

    Nancy, keep us posted on what you decide to do!

    I like the new pics that are up next to our names. How do we add our own pic?

    Well I never responded to Mr. Fav’s txt from sunday, about how he had to get to the game (actually to the tv, but…)

    I just couldn’t think of anything that needed to be said, I dunno, “My automatic response would have been , ‘oh its ok..’, but that just felt doormat-y to me, so I just said nothing…

    And yesterday, he sent this “Hello. Did you watch the game yesterday? Bad day.. I’m in Philly all week. Did you work today?’

    And yeah, anyone who saw the cowboys game sunday, it was bad…

    So, instead of being a cactus, I sent him a message, even though him telling me he’s in Philly all week felt like code for ‘we’re not going out this week’

    That works out well, b/c I just wanna lock myself in my apt and clean it up, get rid of all the clutter Im in…its my time to shine..

    So I sent him this: ‘Yes, I feel so disappointed…it seems our defense was on vacation…Yes, i worked..good luck in philly.”

    I felt like that was fine, it feels open to me, but not clingly and Im not bringing up the girl who was with him sunday,

    nows not the right time for that…

    And I dont want to ASSUME anything or jump to conclusions before I know for sure.

    I dont feel like Im being a doormat by still talking to him…

    And yet my mom jumped on me for not being MORE open with him, saying he’s gonna think Im not interested, and why should he stop seeing other women? Im being ugly to him…and I could have at least sent him a msg on sunday, ‘sorry I missed you..’ that I need to compliment him more and that I could stand to msg him about seeing him every once in a while, that its all one-sided and that he shouldn’t have to do ALL the work, and that maybe one day I will meet a man who admires me so much that he’ll do ALL the work, and I can just walk all over him…

    EWWWWWWWW….

    Whuh?????????????

    Im confused….Ive been complimenting him…was it really that big a deal I didnt respond sunday?

    At this point, the thing that feels the best to me is to just OBSERVE what happens..

    And work on me…so Im cleaning my house, so I cna bring men in, and open up and be more vulnerable around men

    I feel like this is a HUGE missing piece for me in terms of having deeper emotional intimacy with a man; Im just naturally closing that part of myself off b/c Im scared.

    And Im also taking exquisite care of myself.

    I took myself to a spa last night, and found out it was a nude spa, and I DID IT ANYWAY!!!

    I didnt feel self-conscious neing naked in front of other women, and I practiced the tools while I was there and decided that this would be great practice opening myself up to the feminine mystery and reflecting on my power as a woman.

    It also helped me open up about being naked in the presence of others, so I can only imagine that this will help me tolerate more intimacy with a man.



  227.  #227Robin on January 19, 2010 at 3:49 pm

    Tolerate the scary feelings, rather…I want the intimacy!!



  228.  #228Robin on January 19, 2010 at 4:00 pm

    The thing that happened Saturday was, I took myself to a singles’ dance, and itw as AWESOME!! There were so many men!!!

    And a lot of people I know wre there too, so it was great! And I met some new guys, I got to dance the entire night, except for when I felt like taking a break, and I gave out my card to 6 new guys!!!

    And one guy that I used to date, we went out for a few weeks, and then he absolutely disappeared, was there. He disappeared, we ran into each other out dancing, and he explained to me that he got scared b/c he felt like we were getting too close, that I was always great, but he was scared…I told him ok, and went on with my business…

    Well he asked me to dance, I said ok, and he tells me ‘you’re so pretty..and I had the privilege to go out with you..Im gonna be telling my grandchildren how lucky I was to go out with you..”

    I smiled, practiced staying open, and thought ‘yep, he’s not right for me, he’s disqualified himself”

    He had a date with him, and some female friends, he as taking a group picture, and he grabbed me and asked me to be in the picture ‘for eye candy, one of his lady friends got pissed, so he told her ‘well you’re peppermint and she’s spearmint..”

    He then told the photograpther he wanted a pic with just me, and grabbed me passionately, the camera flashed, and he said “you’re so pretty, but I didn’t notice…Im ok, Im totally fine..” I smiled coyly, and said “of course you are..” and walked away.

    And took everything he said with a grain of salt..
    Hes just totally not in a place where I could be with him..He’s waving every red flag he has at me, and I feel bored..



  229.  #229Flipper on January 19, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    Oooooh Robin that spa experience sounds so lovely – sounds like you’re taking care of yourself royally and sexily.

    Actually, I felt Not responding to his icky text on Sun was the way to go. You didn’t feel like it, so you didn’t. You didn’t ask about his goings on (much less about going out with others), so what happens? the next day he texts you telling you what he’s up to without you having to ask or beat around the bush(maybe, in part, to say he couldn’t go out with you, but that may make it more difficult for him to go out with anyone else, either). So brava to you for leaning back, and only responding in a simple, non clingy way (a goddess needs to keep her skills for complex to make appts at cool spas and feel good in her sensuous nudity.) That boy sure doesn’t know what he’s missing!!!!!



  230.  #230Nancy on January 19, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    Robin,

    I LOVE how you handled that! I don’t know what else to say. I think you did fantastically well!



  231.  #231Daria on January 19, 2010 at 9:59 pm

    ROBIN WOW FOR TAKING YOURSELF TO A SPA,,, AND A DANCE!!!

    the guy i went out with (havent written about as much yet) said… why dont u go to clubs by yourself

    its really not that dangerous

    i think i might

    hehe

    sit on the chair and have a beer
    im sure someone will come talk to me
    hehe



  232.  #232DocK on January 20, 2010 at 6:08 am

    D: I’m just sayin’….. LOL!



  233.  #233Jennifer on January 20, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    I feel so nervous.
    I may be getting a contract to go to the artic to nurse. It would be pretty lucrative but I worry that I won’t be able to make enough money to do EVERYTHING i want to do.
    But it feels silly to worry.
    But I’m worried.
    I have also been reading the book “change your brain change your life” by Dr. Amen.
    It’s really interesting
    I just feel antsy and twitchy



  234.  #234Robin on January 20, 2010 at 4:54 pm

    Flipper! Nancy! Daria! Thank you! I felt encouraged reading you words. It really felt good!!!!!!!!

    I keep going back to the story of Esther whenever I feel weak, lost, or storm-tossed, and I am finding that I am getting and staying relaxed much more quickly, its like as soon as I remember the story, I am able to take on the feel of her, and I can feel myself expanding, I can feel my inner strength expanding…

    My ex and I have been exchanging emails for work, and Im remembering today just how badly my heart was broken with him…and feelings are coming up..all those ‘what if’ feelings..

    And I thought to myself ‘maybe Im not in love w/ Mr. Fav as much as I thought”..b/c the pull on my heart and the emotions that (still) come up for my ex-they just come up less and less frequently-its still there

    -And it seems that the feelings I have for Mr. Fav cant hold a candle to the feelings I had (and still have on some level) for my ex..Even though my feelings for Mr. Fav are INTENSE, and even though when Im with Mr. Fav on a date, I feel like Im being treated like a queen, i feel like Im being treated royally..

    Like the way I should be treated…

    And that may have been the only thing i was supposed to learn w. Mr. Fav-how to treat myself, and how to expect other men to treat me if they want the privilege of going out with me (to pen they guy from sat).

    I may have more to learn from him, and he may turn out to be my Mr. Right, but one thing I’ve already learned from him is how I should be treated by men and how I should treat myself.

    And when I look at it that way, my ex is disqualified. He didnt treat me nearly as well as I deserve to be treated, and Im not sure he’d ever be able, may be inability, may be nothing more than a mismatch of energies that are beyond both our control.

    But my heart is remembering and experiencing all those intense feelings I had for him at one time…



  235.  #235Lisa on January 24, 2010 at 9:43 am

    Robin,

    The new guy is the unfortunate victim of being the first after you are trying to separate off from your feelings. He doesn’t get the benefit of your vulnerability b/c the old guy is still in your heart.

    Once you let him go, a new guy can be the recipient of your love.



  236.  #236Turtle Girl on January 24, 2010 at 9:51 am

    Hi Robin-

    Your post so reminds me of how I still feel for my ex – Mr. Toxic Man. I was doing sooooooo good, dating, keeping busy, doing my own life and concentrating on me. Then I went to a movie yesterday with a girlfriend.

    And cried all the way home…………….

    It was the new one out called Crazy Heart.

    Not the give away the plot, but my ex is a guy very similar to the main protagonist. Jeff Bridges plays a washed up older musician who has a drinking problem. My ex is a washed up older musician who has a MJ problem.

    In the movie he is self centered and self absorbed.
    So is/was my ex.

    He is disqualified and I know it in my head. My heart still goes back there. The movie triggered so many feelings. It was really good and really awful all at once and I felt so jumbled and screwed up when I got home. I though I was through all this shit-but apparently not just yet. It did not help that just two days ago after not contact since New Years eve Mr. Toxic send me three emails. No actual communication-just three forwards of silly immature joke type emails. The kind that get passed around the net, jokes about getting old, jokes about terrorists, crap like that.

    No REAL communication. But he is fishing to see if I will still bite and still be “friends” with him I am sure. Remember from my post I did not have closure I did not resolve anything. I just stopped talking to me on emails one day. He thought I had consented to be friends, but really I did not.
    I know if I respond he will think “game on” and try to stay my “friend” just in case he needs an ego boost. Just in case he needs something from me.
    He is a user and I know it. I HATE it that I still feel this way. I am circular dating big time and still I feel this way. I really really HATE it.



  237.  #237Lisa on January 30, 2010 at 6:20 pm

    Turtle,

    I am hoping for you the release of the ugly hate feelings, and the emergence of showering love-feelings upon yourself. There are lots of these sorts of fellows out there. They’re nothing special.

    It’s like in the great book, The Little Prince, when he is asked by the rather ordinary flower that he has taken to caring for daily why he cares for her; after all she is not the most beautiful flower. The Prince tells her a great truth:

    “You are special because I love you.” So you see, we think these men are something, but it is only because we have showered them with our love.

    Now let’s go and love ourselves 🙂



  238.  #238Daria on January 31, 2010 at 2:40 am

    Hey you guys there is hope. I DID let go of my ex and i feel good now. I don’t see him or communicate with him though, even though i have ran into him, and today I even heard a lot about him. But my point was I WAS in love with him and now I am not.

    =)



  239.  #239AGoddess on February 1, 2010 at 11:42 pm

    Hi everyone,

    Feel free to comment on my situation if you have any advice.

    I am new to this blog and this is my first post. I have just read Rori’s ebook and it has helped me make up my mind so fast it was unbelievable! I will try to not make this post too long. To summarize I am in love with a man who is not ready to commit, he sees other women and does not promise me anything and never has. Were were in a committed relationship for about 8 months but I found out he was unfaithful and I ended it. Since then I have struggled with my love for him and we’ve tried getting back together very briefly but he is always hesitant. He asked me for time to think about things and once again I told him forget it because I found out he was still using online dating sites. We made amends about two months later…I felt awful the whole time we were not in touch. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had made a wrong decision by cutting him off the way I did. So we got back in touch and hadn’t defined our relationship in any way as friends, lovers or anything for a few months.

    I have been overfunctioning big time with him I think since we met. I’ve stopped all that now, he used to stay at my place sometimes and I’ve recently told him he can no longer stay with me ( it was for work purposes, his 2nd job is in the city where I live and his full time job is outside the city). I had given him a weeks notice, he has relatives he can stay with and I’m sure women who would be willing to let him stay at their place. I know my place was the ‘safest’ place for him because I ask nothing of him and he gets lots of peaceful time when he’s here. I only made it clear from that start that he sleeps on the couch, not in my bed. He’s been staying at my place since just before Christmas, I have been slowly working up to this process of creating some boundaries for months.

    My barrier was that I have access to all his email accounts, facebook, his work email, online dating accounts etc. And I checked them all daily, I felt I had to check them to see what was going on. All I found out was what I already knew. He sees other women, yet I was still addicted to checking it. After reading Rori’s book, I stopped completely! I can’t believe how easy it was! Everything made so much sense and I realized it was my way of wanting to control something in the relationship and to prepare myself for whatever came my way with him but that was so wrong. Even more wrong was that fact that I was invading his privacy. It was an awful thing to do. I wanted to be prepared as much as possible but I know now that I was just hurting myself each time I checked those accounts. Anyway, I truly love this man, it may sound pathetic but although I’ve had a rough time emotionally with him somehow I believe we will end up getting married and truly be happy. I think it’s partly because I know he struggles with his behaviour too…he meets women on online dating sites and it seems like it’s an addiction for him. In any case, I realized what I was doing was not helping to heal our relationship. Understanding that so clearly just killed my desire to know what’s going on with him.

    So after I told him he could no longer stay with me I asked him to return my keys to my apartment but he has not done that yet. He has not contacted me for the last few days at all. It seems like he’s withdrawing completely but I thought he would just give me my keys back at least. I will just change my lock if I don’t hear from him by the end of the week. I can make all sorts of assumptions regarding his silence and reason for not giving me the keys but it really doesn’t matter. I think what probably got to him was the fact that I followed Rori’s advice and told him I do not want to be friends with him. The last thing he texted me was that we will always remain friends. I was not comfortable with that at all..and then I read the book and it reaffirmed that I needed to put those boundaries in place. I know it shocked him because he knows how much I love him. What he needs to know is that I love myself much more. And I’ve had enough of playing the waiting game with him. I simply left him a voice mail and didn’t give him any reason other than being friends with him is not something that I want and will not work for me. I just said we can keep i touch once in a while but that’s it. He had told me a couple weeks ago that I am a beautiful Goddess and he said he thinks sometimes I don’t remember that. When he said that to me I was surprised and afterwards thought he was just trying to be sweet. Now I realize that it’s true and he does see me for who I am so I am going to start acting like a beautiful Goddess. I truly hope that he does return to me for good in the way that Rori describes . In any case I know that I am on the right path for my own personal growth. I’ve started meeting other men and having simple coffee dates, trying out some of Rori’s techniques.
    So far so good! I’m feeling good and I hope it only gets better! A part of me feels guilty for meeting these men because I know I’m in love with my ex still…but I don’t know how else to move on. I’m working on filling up my time doing other things as well not related to dating at all.
    I’m not promising the men I meet anything, just meeting them and seeing how I feel. I’m trying to do what Rori suggested, don’t stop dating or meeting men and having a nice time until I have my proposal. I am not intimate with anyone because that would be detrimental to my own emotional health I think at this point.

    Thanks Rori! You should know that you made a major shift for me recently and I am so grateful for your insight. As soon as I started making the right decisions everything that has followed including finding your information on the net has reaffirmed that I am doing what is right.

    Blessings to each of you!



  240.  #240Turtle Girl on February 2, 2010 at 9:43 am

    Lisa-
    Yes you are so right. And I have not read The Little Prince, but a friend of mine has said it is awesome. Will have to go and check it out from the library soon.

    You have a very good point. I see it in my own garden, the plants that I really care for, put time and attention into just blossom and I really love them and if something happens and they die I am sad.

    I think we can love anyone. It is after all, above and beyond the initial attraction, a choice on our part. We choose to put our energy and time into something and when we do that with the wrong person, it hurts and we are sad.

    In my case, I have never been with a narcissist, I didn’t even know it was a personality disorder until I started following my gut feelings about why this guy felt so wrong. I had never dated any man so selfish and self centered in my life. I was so shocked and thrown off balance by his behavior it was liked being dazed and confused for a while until I could start asking questions like “What’s up-this guy isn’t normal. No one I know or hang out with acts like this-so ????????

    When I finally hit on a website that listed the characteristics of narcissism the big light bulb went on! OMG-this is what’s wrong with him. Wow……how sad for him and me……..It was then I knew I HAD TO GET OUT OF DODGE or stay miserable. So – there it is.

    I thank you for your comments and support and having been through it I know you know what it is like to hang out with a man like this. Here’s to finding healthy good men in the future and healing our own wounds. It truly is a wonderful beautiful life.
    Love,
    Turtle



  241.  #241Rori Raye on February 2, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    A Goddess – Welcome, and Thank you so much for your glorious story! You are doing everything right for yourself – just keep doing what you’re doing. Every step is a grand baby-step – and you’re just flying with your horse…enjoy the ride…you will meet a great man soon, I’m sure of it…Love, Rori



  242.  #242shirin on February 5, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    Hello Rori, and other Ladies here,
    I read the subject “after break-up”. I just broke up yesterday with someone whom I really don’t know anymore what to call! he broke up with me 7 months ago! nevertheless we never stopped contact. I used Rori’s tool as much as I afforded! I leaned back, took it calmly and slowly. He initiated contact and to make it short it continued for the next 7 months during which I slept with him 4 times. Then he left the country for a permanent job in Italy, but he kept contacting me, and I know he is really lonely there and keeps thinking about me. He is coming back to my town in a month and will stay for another two months. I panicked yesterday and during a skype chat I wrote to him that we better not see each other again, because I am not getting what I want from this. He agreed, right away and said he doesn’t want to hurt me. I just told him I’m tired of being alone and I want to be with somebody who wants to love me. then I added that now I feel uncomfortable saying all these. and He said: yes, I started feeling uncomfortable reading all these!
    Did I sound pathetic?!! did I make a wrong decision not seeing him? was there any other possible opportunity to save this non-relationship? please give me a feedback! thank you.



  243.  #243Rori Raye on February 6, 2010 at 4:49 pm

    Shirin – the only problem for you here is that you’re still hung-up on him. Please date other men – Circular Date – and either cut off all contact or start thinking of him only as a friend. If the friend part is okay with you, great – but that’s not what I hear in your letter. I hear that you’re hung up on him, and it’s stopping you from moving forward in your love life. Dump him, I say – and get a real man who wants you! Love, Rori



  244.  #244sherley on February 28, 2010 at 9:32 pm

    hi rori,
    i v been reading ur blogs recently..
    going through a divorce process after 6 years of marriage.. he is not willing to reconcile.. tried all the ways to persue.. but didnt work..
    a week ago, i agreed to the divorce and told him that i just want to move on, get remarried and have kids.. when i talked about the kids,, he got emotional and cried. we departed.. he never called back after that..
    where’s this heading on to..

    ur advice would be valuable.. i still dont want to let it go..

    thanks



  245.  #245Rori Raye on March 2, 2010 at 8:05 pm

    Sherley, I’m so sorry for your pain and your situation, and you’re doing the right thing…Start dating right now…and if he calls or comes by – see if you can find out by asking him why he wants this divorce, and let us know…it will help me help you…Love, Rori



  246.  #246Oh on March 5, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    I had one of these ‘friendships’ with a man – weeks would go by (averaged 5.6 weeks!). In the end, after an open conversation which went “I’m feeling uncomfortable as I want more from this … ” and being told “I can’t”, I send a message along the lines of “this non-communication thing isn’t for me … good luck with everything, and I’m sure it’ll all settle down for you” (subject going through bad divorce etc etc. Me too incidentally). As he was previously an actual friend/acquaintance and I know he is of genuinely good character, I felt I could do this. I knew I wanted to take control back for myself, but do it in a conscious way. The response I got back was equally generous and kind to me. He has subsequently wanted to meet up, and we do, after a lot of ‘unavailability’ from me, on different terms. I feel ok with this. Even though he’s still attracted, he’ll never commit to me, but he’s good flirting material. It may not be right for you, but there may be a germ of something in this that will help you. Incidentally, I’m a great fan of things like yoga (and Rori) to help you feel strong and centred enough to take those empowered steps in the first place. I did it after a week on a yoga holiday. x



  247.  #247sherley on March 6, 2010 at 9:46 pm

    hi rori,
    thanks for the reply.. he hasnt called back as yet.. its been 2 weeks now.. though he informed our counseller that he would wait for my lawyer to proceed.
    we are supposed to meet up with the counseller after 10 days.
    what should be my next step..



  248.  #248m on August 28, 2011 at 6:23 am

    D and I met 1/172010. I feel it was want to.be. I went to a studio looking for a band, he was.a guitar.playrr. he pursued me and soon we were in a committed relationship.
    I had never been so happy or thought I had ever found true love, even though I was married in 1999 and divorced in 2004.

    He adored Me back. After each had a failed long term relationship we.both ended up living at home w parents. I stayed at D’s most of the time. I didn’t know rules then!!!  In may 2010, we were approved for our own apartment. D who already had and stated that he has esteem.issues, lost his low paying job the next day.

    D comes from an alcoholic.family, and suffers from alcohol and addiction issues as well as depression and anxiety disorders. I didn’t know at time. In July 2010. He pushed me away, although I didn’t know why.

    He would contact me by text once.a day. How are you doing? and such. Very cold withdrawn. I was devastated and didn’t know what happened. I thought he found someone, became hysterical and over reacted accusing him of things. The couple x I saw him, he was drinking himself half to death.

    One month later, he asked me to do something and callously blew me off. I confronted him, he was behaving so odd, then broke up with me. I thought id die. I felt he was my one. I left. Next day he barraged me with texts calls and emails. Said he was in dark place and made biggest mistake of his life. That he was so depressed and couldn’t see good in his life. That he didn’t know if he could ever be the man I needed. He has never had a good girl in his life before or a good relationship.

    He and I were hot and heavy again. I was happier than ever before. He was out of my life 3 weeks. I was so happy to have him back, but something was bothering me about his odd behavior during that time.
    Every now and again, I’d get sad and ask questions. He constantly kept telling me I was the love of his life and had he money, he would marry me and move in. Scoop me up before someone else did.

    What I need to add. The relationship prior to me he had was with a verbally and physically abusive woman who have D an std. Hpv. He did disclose he had it.
    We took precautions…but I ended up getting it too. I just didn’t know it at the time 🙁

    Over course of the year, I was getting sick. Random stressful things Dr would chalk up to something else. I have endometriosis and had been getting hormone shots for 11 yrs to control it. Dr started looking at option to wean me off.

    In October, D became withdrawn one night. My heart sank, and my tendency to over react was mounting because my hormones were off. I was very emotional a lot, so was under anxiety that night because of his attitude shift.

    He told me he was in love with me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and wanted it to be good and not start off with lies. He told me during summer when he broke up with me, he relapsed.. he had done coke and gone to a crackhouse.

    I was devastated and at this point…back into it fully.
    I remained calm. I tried to forgive/forget because it was months before.
    I still loved him but guess I couldn’t forget.
    One month later. I found out I had Precancerous cells on my cervix. My odd and intense emotions could Definetly.be attributed to this. I was scared to death. Found out day after thanksgiving. Surgery set for mid December

    D was with me every step of way. Until they found out the hpv I got from him is what caused it.
    Although he was still with me, he was hot cold. Depressed. Sleeping/drinking lots. He still hadn’t found a job.

    I have a great job. Supported us both even though I was ill. Started seeing psychologist to get me through.
    D stopped being affectionate, which caused fear, pain and anxieties in me. On top of being ill and weaning off 11 yr hormone. He stopped touching me. Kissing me. Complimenting me at all. The more he shut down and became uncommunicative I was clingy, and tried everything I could to get my boy back. He started going out w the guys. Drinking tons. I kept asking if there was someone else and if he was.on drugs again.

    I did find out he was doing coke 🙁 🙁 my psychologist was trying to help me through with the hope that he would choose rehab and get well. Horrible horrible situation. But. I loved him and wouldn’t give up.
    In past 2 months he’s nearly unrecognizable. He became passive aggressive w me saying things like. I am not feeling it anymore. You’re too emotionally fragile were not compatible I’m not attracted to you anymore. Next day he would say I never said that, I can’t take this anymore…you talk too much..over emotional. This never going to change. All we do is talk about relationship.

    I wasn’t completely off hormones, didn’t want to do anything rash. Broke rules and got reconnect to help.  I stopped responding to him for a week in may. He called 200 x saying I was the best thing that ever happened to him, he was disgusted with himself for getting me sick and his severe constant flare UPS made him scared to touch me.  It was like the beginning for a week. We put $ down on a house…he just started working a very good job. I tried to talk to him about what happened, he got mad. Shut down again. His signals were mixed and I was depressed.

    He grew more disrespectful and 2 weeks ago. Hormone finally left my system.
    He still had me at arms length. Still wouldn’t touch me. Said many times he wanted to be with me, but not with anyone. I didn’t understand, and if I asked him anything more to clarify he said all we do is talk about relationship, I talk too much or this is old to me now.

    I finally feeling better last week from hormones exiting body, tried to have loving talk. To reach out w both feet on ground.
    He invited me for movies at house. I didn’t even get to have talk. He was withdrawn. Moody, ignoring me. I asked why so resentful, angry toward me? He blew up and broke up with me.

    He said he’s not feeling it. I’m not one anymore.
    I left. Said I love him. Hoped he’d realize. Started getting let’s be pals texts and sorry it just didn’t work out texts
    Knife in heart. How could this be??? Drugs and alcohol I think 🙁

    I haven’t responded. It’s been 10 days. This behavior and being friends unacceptable.2 days ago he said he won’t contact anymore haven’t heard since. Only 48 hours but, never gone a day without contact since we met 🙁

    I truly love him and feel we were hijacked by traumatic circumstances and his addiction.

    I want him to heal. Get help w drugs/alcohol be accountable for treating me so poorly after he got me sick and realize he made a mistake letting me go without even trying to talk/work it out. Miss me, Chase me and value/adore me again. Open up his heart and mind so we can be in love again.
    He keeps asking if we can be friends. I am angry because he wouldn’t talk when things shifted to keep connection. Know this is complex. But I love him and can’t imagine my life without him 🙁