More Answers To More Of Your Questions

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Hi – the older post for answering your questions is getting so huge it’s hard to get to them all…so here’s a fresh place for you to start asking new ones and helping each other.

So that everything we do here is helpful to you to having the relationship you want – when you share and help each other in the brilliant way you’re doing, keep doing it the way you are –  with feminine feeling messages and sharing and insights – instead of masculine “ideas,” “tips” and “advice.”  (I’ll take care of that “boy” voice.)

Try it like this…“If I were in this situation, this is how I imagine I would feel, and if I could step back, it would feel good if I tried this….” Or…

“I was in that situation, and I know how that felt, it felt…and this is what I tried that didn’t work, and this is what I tried that did work, and here’s what I learned…”

Please forgive me in advance for not being able to answer each of them – I’ll focus on the most general and the most specific, and jump off into posts as much as I can…

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Mercedes on March 26, 2009 at 2:33 pm

    I have a question. I have a romantic weekend ahead with my boyfriend. We’re going away and we’re both really excited about it. What we want more than anything is not to lose the spark we have now and this is one of the ways we do that…we travel to a new city and stay in a nice hotel and enjoy each other with dinner and wine and dancing, etc.

    I actually have two questions: Does anyone have any ideas for ways to make this weekend even more special? I have the lingere and the wine and the candles (shhh…don’t tell the hotel manager…lol) and the music but…I don’t know…ideas for making it extra special are more than welcome.

    Also…what about making every day romantic and wonderful? He does LOTS of amazing things for me and I love it, but when I search the internet for ways to be romantic with my guy, I come up with LOTS of corny ideas. What can I do…when we’re not traveling…to keep the spark alive and romance in the air when reality is sometimes a little overwhelming?

    I don’t want to lose what I have and I know it shouldn’t be lots of work, but sometimes I feel like I do need to do my part to keep things alive and different.

  2.  #2Maria on March 26, 2009 at 2:51 pm

    l think that each day is made to be also natural and “breathing” so probably u just try to relax in his presence and not to worry make every day as “candellight day”….

  3.  #3Mercedes on March 26, 2009 at 3:06 pm

    Thanks Maria. I do that most of the time, but once in a while, I want things to be extra special (this weekend is one of those times) so I’d like to hear what other ladies do to keep the romance alive. I know the guy is supposed to do most of it…and mine does…but…I feel inspired to do something too, I just don’t know what. I’m inspired but not creative…LOL 🙂

  4.  #4heartbeat on March 26, 2009 at 5:47 pm

    Mercedes – I focus on how I feel and what would enable me feel most sensual and relaxed, so if I’m tired after work I would feel good getting a bubble bath and changing into nightwear or jeans and a soft sweater – and ordering in food, so I’m available to be fully present. If I tried to do the candlelit dinner I’d feel tense. I completely go with whatever gives me a feeling of sensuality and space. He picks up the vibe, no matter what I’m doing or wearing 🙂 The most special times we have had have been unplanned, so NOT planning feels exciting and adventurous. Mystery – not knowing where we will end up.

  5.  #5heartbeat on March 26, 2009 at 5:49 pm

    just ticking the little box

  6.  #6Dorothea on March 26, 2009 at 9:44 pm

    I have a question! A man I have been dating’s birthday is coming up. I want to take him out to a nice dinner. He sends a lot of energy toward me and is generous in many ways, and I have told him it makes me feel special and I feel appreciative of it.

    My question is if taking him to dinner is too leaning forward?

    He took me out for my birthday (and many times for no reason) so I feel like I should return the favor! This is a very “old me” thing to do – take a man out for a special occasion. BTW, I do NOT have an agenda to make him my BF. He already asked and I gave him the No Girlfriend thing.

  7.  #7alias girl on March 26, 2009 at 10:12 pm

    hi dora. it sounds like reciprocation. he’s not your boyfriend he’s just a guy in your rotation. do you truly want to take him out to dinner? how does it feel? i bought a guy drinks once because i wanted him to feel like i wasn’t taking advantage of him and i appreciated him taking me out. it felt AWFUL to buy the drinks and i don’t think it felt good for him either. ugh. i cringe just thinking about it. ick. blech.

  8.  #8Dorothea on March 26, 2009 at 10:20 pm

    yay a fast reply, i love it! I think I genuinely just want to treat him. It’s his birthday! But I am a very giving person in this way. It has felt unnatural to shut off the giving stuff because it was very Leaning Forward, but it has definitely been the right choice. That is probably why I feel confused now.

    Leaning Back and all that has felt really good because I am older than he is and more established and make more money than he does, and it has really really helped maintain that I’m The Girl and You’re The Boy No Matter What thing. I feel apprehensive about risking undoing that.

  9.  #9Daria on March 27, 2009 at 1:31 am

    Hi Dorothea… I feel a little triggered. I would want to practice NOT taking him out for his birthday if this is something you used to do in the past with men. I would want to feel the uncomfortableness of doing nothing.

    Also Rori talks about this birthday, not leaning forward situation, somewhere and says that maybe you can ask him… “is there something special you would like to do on your birthday?”… and nothing more lean forwardy (I don’t think even paying for it).

    I feel sleepy. I had a really nice lean back date. Felt kinda like I tried to “check out” when the making out got out of my comfort zone, but expressed myself and practiced being present. I feel really sleepy.

  10.  #10alias girl on March 27, 2009 at 2:19 am

    i have a question.

    what’s the point of sexual exclusivity? i mean what’s the point. i feel confused. we’re not doing girlfriend trap. why is there a sexual exclusivity thing? i don’t understand the point of it. i know i am free to do what i want if i am comfortable doing something else.

    but my question is why is this recommended?. i feel odd trying to make sense of it.

  11.  #11Mocha on March 27, 2009 at 5:27 am

    I agree alias girl? What’s the point?

  12.  #12Maria on March 27, 2009 at 6:28 am

    l have a question, too and it may sound as stupid as it is simple. When a man trats you bad is it HIM or ME? Meaning – does he has bogn given natural ability to treat others bad or am l just a very low standard girl?

  13.  #13DocK on March 27, 2009 at 7:58 am

    Times in my life when a man has treated me bad I have felt it as in experienced it as anger or sadness in response to it but feel it also was part of both of our “stuff.”

    One man did terrible things, he was in an angry place and that was his stuff but, as much as I would stand and speak up for myself, I continued to be friends with him (he was former lover but we worked together) instead of walking away (I did eventually) and that was my stuff.

    At the time I was declaring to the Universe what I wanted – healthy, loving relationship – but continued to accept the old nonsense. Eventually, I feel I was more ready to have what I said I needed and told him to leave me hell alone. He moved away and then started to contact me again. Initially, I was OK with it until he talked about “still wanting something with me” and I told him, “sorry, that ship has sailed. I don’t wish you any harm but you no longer have a place in my life in that sense.” He has continued to contact me to have lunch when he is in town and I have refused.

    I feel sure now about his absence but also felt he was a messenger for me to really learn about what I DO want and stand for that.

  14.  #14Flipper on March 27, 2009 at 10:25 am

    Maria, I can relate to what you’re saying. I feel that my boundaries are still pretty shaky, and when they’re pushed against I often don’t realize it enough to Stop and allow the bad feeling to be felt and clarified. I am getting better – had some almost tears in the presence of my date – but I feel I still mostly just go into “niceness” automatic pilot, ignore the trigger and ‘soldier on’ (blech). My nasty voice tries to tell me that’s to give me time to deal with it properly, but what happens is the incident gets shoved aside, and I just feel bad later about the missed opportunity .

    Also, through my own feeling searches and some feedback from others, I’ve been able to see how some deep-seated and unacknowledged ‘man-hating’ from old frustrations, hurts and disappointments are sending out a vibe, putting an edge to my voice, that either put guys into testing/pre-emptive strike mode, or more often, just keeps them away. They can feel my mistrust, my judging of their cluelessness, even when I’m not aware of it or are in denial. Even though they may actually act out agressively (which is their ‘stuff’), I feel this won’t happen so much when I won’t be unwittingly provoking their bad behavior. By getting a better handle on my own mistrust of myself (to define and defend my boundaries) and learning to love and accept my own cluelessness.

    I only have to be the radiant Goddess, sharing my gifts with those who are worthy And will share their gifts with me, NOT an Omniscient Know-it-All, Fix-Everyone, Unconditional-Lover. It’s okay for my love to be conditional . XXXOOO to All

  15.  #15Rori Raye on March 27, 2009 at 11:18 am

    Oh – my goodness – so much here..
    Mercedes – the special event thing is not something I’m especially good at…I’m a recovering overfunctioner, so I have to be very watchful of where I’m coming from and what I’m doing and why I’m doing it – and I really believe most women are like that. Given an opportunity – we’ll play the heck out of things in order to bring a man closer – and all it does is actually make him feel – yes – “icky.” You, though, have great boundaries, and if part of your creative and artistic nature is in designing special events – you might want to look around the web for romantic ideas – Michel Webb has all kinds of things out there.

    For most of us, I say stay away from this stuff, and see if you can be more spontaneous with your creative and artistic and romantic impulses – and if you want to plan in advance – include him in the preparations.

    A man will usually take everything you want to give – but it doesn’t make him love you more.

    Dorothea – so this brings us to the Birthday issue. I’m a firm believer in not picking up a check. Why does it have to be “dinner”? It can be a show or event or something you have tickets to in advance, if that’s something in your range – or it can be a walk on the beach or in the park with some wonderful snacks you brought – my father, who never had a lot of money – when we go out as a family for his birthday dinner – he STILL insists on paying for it! So I know that picking up a check is not something a man likes for you to do…it can be something YOU’D like to do – or you can ask him this way:

    “Your birthday is coming up…I’m not sure what to do, since we haven’t been dating that long…do you have any ideas?

    And then there’s the gift issue…I really am very big on talking about this – how important birthday’s are to you and him…what they mean…what he hopes will happen on his birthday…I’m all about not making a huge, big deal out of this.

    I once gave my husband for his birthday (early in the dating part) – a small crystal that cost around $8 – and he still has it on his desk, he still thinks it was the coolest thing ever – because it MEANT something to him somehow. It meant to him that I CARED.

    I would love to hear your stories here – and I’ll bet the times you “overdid’ far outweigh the times you “wish you’d done more”… Love, Rori

  16.  #16Rori Raye on March 27, 2009 at 11:23 am

    Maria, I’m going to take your question and jump off of it…Rori

  17.  #17Dorothea on March 27, 2009 at 12:26 pm

    Thank you sincerely, Rori.

  18.  #18Samat on March 27, 2009 at 1:02 pm

    Ok I always get confused about this buying gift thing as well. I mean is it harmful to the relationship if we buy a really expensive presents? Does the present have to be feminine energy related (I thought the crystal was feminine and sweet) or can it be gadgets type? Also yes it feels really yucky to take a guy out for me and then I start having all these expectations that he should treat me really romantically while we are out,which sometimes is unmet and I feel triggered and the whole evening goes down the drain.

  19.  #19alias girl on March 27, 2009 at 3:43 pm

    although yes, after having sat with this. i can sense the benefits of doing what rori suggests with the sexual exclusivity thing. i feel the sense of it being revealed to me. i can experiment around this.


  20.  #20Linmayu on March 27, 2009 at 7:16 pm

    Ugh. I was the kind of woman who did that, buying him expensive (and incredibly thoughtful) gifts, taking him out to dinner, etc. I did it because 1) I truly loved him, and loved seeing the look on his face when he opened some crazy-ass gift that only I would have thought of, and 2) I wanted him to do those things for me (with the same level of thoughtfulness). It didn’t work. Obviously it didn’t work. It just got him to see me as the one who ought to be in charge of all the romance in the relationship. My skin is crawling just remembering it. I feel gross and angry. Beyond angry. I feel horrible and hopeless. I want to forgive myself and feel clean and clear…

  21.  #21kelsey on March 27, 2009 at 7:29 pm

    Hey Rori!

    Although I haven’t been able to purchase your ‘toxic men’ program, I have read the introduction to it and it sounded so familiar!
    This guy that is shy and extroardinarily hard to read seems to be a little immature and insecure with himself, but I still want him. For the past year and a half (-ish) now, we haven’t been officially together, although we were almost there once. Since then, he’ll come back to me in spurts- texting me, calling me, asking me out. And in between those times, he doesn’t appear to be hitting on anyone else. One moment I’ll think he’s afraid of me, and the next I think he thinks he’s too good for me. Right now, I’m in the midst of realizing that he seems worth pursuing, and I feel like maybe we could have this great connection if he would put down this shy barrier he has and show me if he’s just playing games with me or if he’s really, honestly interested.
    (The situation is very complicated, as I once had a fling with one of his good friends. However, I’m good friends with that friend now. Also, after the time we had come close to being official, he told me that he no longer had feelings for me and cut things off. I was hurt, but then after a wait period he kept returning to me in spurts and asking me out, although he has yet to follow through.)
    It seems a lot like he is just messing with me, but what I don’t understand is why he continues to put up an effort to talk to me, texting me, calling me, if he’s no longer interested, even if I don’t give him any benefit or praise from doing it.
    Because he hurt me that long time ago, I’ve had this barrier up that I can’t seem to bring down (even though I want to) that makes me uninteresting and short with him, but he is able to see I’m not like this with everyone, and I almost think that he puts up a barrier with me because he thinks I’m doing this to him.
    Is there any way to decode his odd hot-and-cold behavior? Thank you for anyone who took the time to read this as it’s so long!

  22.  #22Tracy on March 27, 2009 at 9:04 pm

    i feel in the exact same place you were in in the post you just did….thanks for sharing…i feel the guy is just a messenger…i am stil trying trying to figure out the message he’s bringing…
    i feel confused with this new me…i feel i am changing and learning to look at things differently…it feels unsettling sometimes..uncormfortable as i take in a new pattern…as i interpreat things differently..i feel the myself going back towonder wether i am doing the right thing…second guessing myself..
    H e actually is hanging around me,has become very nice to me…wants to meet me…i feel his vibe changing as mine is…the more i feel good about myself,the more i attract him…
    i feel i am slowly understanding the whole idea about having the relationship you want…getting to a good place..being happy with you…
    I feel more happy with myself now..more sexy more goddess like…
    when i read ur post i felt like my current dillema was replaying itself…i stil feel that i havent completely let him go..i feel that he’s still on my horse and a part of me fights to keep him there a part of me wants to let go…i am circular dating to try and refocus back to me and i feel with time i’ll know what to do with him..
    I feel my mr right is right around the corner….it feels great to relax and just receivelove and compassion from everywhere and wait for love to find you…it feels effortless…bliss



  23.  #23Tracy on March 27, 2009 at 9:22 pm

    About the friends thing…i feel i am falling into that trap as well…i felt that since we work together…it would be harder for me to just keep off completely…u know, not speaking to him at all….i feel confused about this…
    Yet i feel that with time i am slowly building expectations around him…and with himchanging the vibe but not bringing anything concrete on the table i feel myself getting disappointed again…
    I feel that neither of us are in the right palces in our lives to have a good relationship with each other..
    i feel i should focus elsewhere…
    i feel that by being his friend…at least pretending to be…really, iam not speaking my truth…
    i feel that since he has not brought the subject of us on the table..i will not do it for him but when he does…i will tell him how i feel about him…meanwhile i feel i should try more of the smile wave and keep walking…and just circular date….



  24.  #24Maria on March 28, 2009 at 12:22 pm

    lm sorry about my typing mistakes earlier, seems that my pc is doing bad job in keeping up with me.

  25.  #25Maria on March 28, 2009 at 1:07 pm

    Thank you Rori. l read your big comment about replying to Mercedes (with all my compliments to her) and that was exactly what l was feeling, hence my comment on her. Thing is – l think lm able to catch the right feelings, yet, then how am l so messed up with myself and love?
    The thing l asked earlier – is it HIM or is it ME-if the bad treatment is there (lm mostly talking about disrespectful treatment, not physical abuse),what to do about it. We women need to feel safe in advance that every man we see will treat us well and we need to know that we are not only being treated properly as women but as a human beings as well. l need to feel safe that the “monster” of low standard treatment from a man is not is not going toward me. l have seen that “monster” and it has literally paralyzed me.
    The idea is – is it ME – meaning he thinks he can allow himself to treat me bad, and irresponsibly, cos there is something in ME that inspires it, or is it HIM – the way he IS (upbringings, natural genetics etc) is it ME who is just not that cool girl, loveable or is it someting lm DOING?
    lm afraid to let any man closer, cos when the monster comes, l cant handle it. Thats why lm afraid to go on circular date. cos maybe its ME whos turning all frogs into monsters?
    l want to grow my muscles of self defence of that “monster” but l just dont know how. Does anyone relate to me? Right now l feel that if l go on like this, l will end up quite miserable. l need help and l need support and knowing lm not alone.

  26.  #26Dorothea on March 28, 2009 at 1:55 pm

    Hi Maria, I can relate to your question about if you turn otherwise “normal” guys into monsters. From my experience I feel that it is a combination of my fear and their sensitivity to my negative expectation. It is a formula for manifesting the very thing I don’t want to happen, which is get treated in a way different from what I want.

    I have felt from men that many of them are not brave or mature enough to let the vibe of negative expectation roll off of them. Instead I have felt a combativeness – they sense not only a need or an expectation but also an overwhelming negativity behind it, and get rude or or dismissive.

    It felt flabbergastingly frustrating to me. It was like he turned into someone else when it happened. He had all this monster energy for me and had suddenly stopped feeling warmth for me, but I hadn’t done or said anything specifically wrong enough to warrant the level of intensity he experienced, but if you asked him, it was something I did. He had a hard time saying exactly what I was doing, so I would fight back and feel threatened and victimized by him, but now I can see that even though he had a hard time putting it into words, my fear of not being treated the way I want to be treated triggered something inside of him that turned out to be unfortunate for us both because he couldn’t handle it.

    For me, being with a man who can click into monster mode when agitated properly feels so icky (just as I’m sure being with a woman who has this huge cloud of expectation and fear constantly looming over her feels really icky….which is how they get triggered into monster mode i think), but I’ve found that there are plenty of men out there who get that way.

    What has felt better and more successful for me is shedding that fear that I will be disrespected. Why are you afraid? Because it will prove that you are not worthy of respect? Come on, girl, only you are in charge of whether you are worthy of respect! And with that in mind you can stop being afraid of being disrespected by him. I feel better saying to myself “I respect myself and of course expect others to do the same” instead of “I am devastated by the fear that he will say something disrespectful to me.”

    The first statement gives you the power, which is where it should be, while the second statement gives it all to him. Men do sense the vibe behind both, and unfortunately I have seen the second statement’s vibe of fear, neediness, and negative expectation lead to manifesting the very disrespectful treatment you fear. I feel like it is because the great power that is given some men with that vibe intensifies a negative energy that has been triggered inside of them. And then they act ugly!

    Maybe some of the other Sirens here can help us think of feeling statements and good ways to deal with your man that would reflect the mentality of “I respect myself and of course expect others to do the same.” Shifting into this mindset and taking some of the power you have given him back for yourself to feel wonderful about yourself will feel really good, and you don’t even have to wait “to feel safe” like you said because you don’t have to wait around for him to get with the program for you to shift your heart from the second statement to the first one.

    I feel like I could go on and on because I felt trapped in monster-ville but found my way out, so I want everyone to feel the same relief and joy that I get to feel:)

  27.  #27Maria on March 28, 2009 at 2:33 pm

    l just want to be easy and relaxed and breathe in me, and that l dont have to worry about the wrong treatment…

  28.  #28Flipper on March 28, 2009 at 4:31 pm

    Thanks Dock – you said it so well. I feel so much clearer about what I meant to say reading you than what I wrote myself – lol. With the big added bonuses about your how-to’s and success in getting to that better-feeling place.

  29.  #29Flipper on March 28, 2009 at 4:50 pm

    Oops, Sorry, I meant, Thanks Dorothea.

  30.  #30Tracy on March 28, 2009 at 11:50 pm


    you said it so well…thanks for sharing.i did the exact same thing to a guy i liked…he reacted the exact same way.I felt needy clingy and i guessed he caught that vibe and turned to a complete monster afterwards.
    I felt so low afterwards,i couldnt deal with myself and i decided to do anything in my power to understand why i had neglected myself so much….
    I am learning to be true to myself slowly by slowly and everything is making sense now…the guy has completely changed how he treats me and he’s actually making an attempt to rekindle our friendship i suppose though i feel that we both are not in the right place to have a good and lasting relationship.



  31.  #31Maria on March 29, 2009 at 2:25 am

    Rori, l went to the site, and l realized lm so afraid to even start responding, cos l dont realize when this starts going on to me.

  32.  #32Mercedes on March 30, 2009 at 6:51 am

    Thanks Rori. I’ve never really had a problem with overfunctioning…maybe underfunctioning is a better word for me (I’m so spoiled I can go to dinner with my sister and I will actually stop at the door waiting for someone to open it for me…LOL). I know I don’t have to do a lot of work and I don’t…but I do think it’s important to keep the spark and fun alive in a relationship…was just looking for some ideas.

    Anyway…I had a most fantastic wonderful weekend away with my honey! I’ll do some additional internet searching for future ways (simple ways) to say I love you and make him smile.

    Maria: You said “Thank you Rori. l read your big comment about replying to Mercedes (with all my compliments to her) and that was exactly what l was feeling, hence my comment on her. “….I think I missed this. Thanks for the compliments but I don’t think I saw your comment and I’m sure I would have responded.

  33.  #33Mercedes on March 30, 2009 at 8:57 am

    I confused myself with this question so I decided to go ahead and post about my “Rule #3” on my blog. My question here and that particular rule seemed very related and seemed to contradict ME and what I’m telling others and what I’m feeling and what I want out of life. After I wrote what I was planning to write about Rule #3, it came to me:

    I don’t overfunction and I do draw boundaries. It’s when I feel a desire to step out of that even just a little bit, that I freeze up and don’t know what to do. I still believe there is something I can do (but you’re right Rori…not everyone should do what I do…it could be very counter-productive) and I’ll figure out where my line is on that someday.

    For those of you who read my blog, watch for more on this part of my journey…lets see if I can find the boundary here and get myself to a comfortable place with this. Thank you Rori for responding…it encouraged me to search deep into my feelings and desires for myself.

    Rori: I don’t know if you’re still reading my blog or not, but I’d love to get your input on the latest post. I feel your guidance there would be wonderful.

    For now, I choose to do nothing. If something is right, it will come to me. For now, I choose to enjoy what just happened…a beautiful, romantic weekend with the man I love…no extra input from me…

  34.  #34susan on March 30, 2009 at 10:58 am

    Hi Rori,
    I was wondering whether you might have some advice/insights on how to deal with a partner who is going through a mid-life crisis.

    I feel that my long term partner has demonized our 10-yr relationship because of this, and decided to end things from one day to the next, without giving me a chance to say anything. I am convinced that he is the love of my life. We had made plans for our long-term future together, including starting a family.
    I do not think that I was a crumb-taker..
    I feel that he made this rash decision because his life felt out of control, and controlling the relationship was the only thing he could do.

  35.  #35Kristine on March 30, 2009 at 2:49 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I would like to hear your advice on how to use Facebook or other social networking sites, which are becoming so much a part of our modern society, to interact with men, while retaining your goddess power. Should I send, or only accept, friend requests from men? Should I have any men as friends at all? But if I didn’t, that would be ridiculous since everyone I’m dating uses Facebook.

    How should I handle “pokes” from men? Should I poke back? How much information about me should I post on my page? How often should I be updating my status?

    I try to use feeling messages as much as possible when updating my Facebook status. I do not initiate pokes, but will poke a man back if he contacts me first. Should I acknowledge his poke at all?

    I view my Facebook page as “my rock” and my posts are like my song, being that I am a mermaid-goddess. I think it is good to sing. Men should be able to hear my song. If I don’t post anything, there is no communication. I can put up walls or blocks, but I don’t know if that is good. Where do I draw the line at how much information I post or let a man see? I want the men to know all about my fabulous life! I even post when I am going out on a date! Not to make the men jealous, but just to tell my friends what I’m up to. Should I mention anything about my dating on Facebook at all?

    Facebook is so different from other forms of communication (like emails or texts) since I am not contacting any one man directly. It’s more like my broadcast message going out to the world and all my friends. If a man is listed as a friend, he will receive an update of my status whenever I post something on my page. The man then has to take action, if he is interested, to link to my page to read my post in detail, so I don’t feel it is pushed on him. And my post is always something about me, not him.

    I try not to write on a man’s wall, unless he writes something on mine first. This is hard, because I often have an opinion about something he writes on his wall. Should I not say anything? Or can I make a comment/give feedback? Sometimes I think a man expects feedback, like when he posts a picture about something we talked about previously.

    Also, is updating my status or adding new posts to my page everyday (or sometimes several times a day) too much? Will it ruin the mystery? What do you think?

    I would appreciate your advice. Thank you.


  36.  #36Rori Raye on March 30, 2009 at 3:54 pm

    Kristine, Welcome, and Thank you for the fantastic question. I’m just now really getting into Facebook, and seeing how I feel about all of this. I’ll put together a well-thought out post to answer you…for now…stick to the basic online dating and LeanBack rules about not speaking first to a man, and responding to a man’s contact in the same way he started.

    And “posting” – whether on Facebook or a blog – creates many opportunities for expressing yourself that will draw men to you.

    Look for more answers in a new post…Love, Rori

  37.  #37DocK on March 31, 2009 at 7:12 am

    Hey Kristine

    Using facebook (FB) has generated many different feelings within me. The other night, I had a phone conversation with a friend that I have known since I was 17 years old but with all of my moving around, we lost touch. We found each other in a round-about way through FB. I felt so happy to find her.

    I also have had men try to become “friends” that I do not know and, reading their profile, realize they are there to meet “women.” These men have not been men that I want to be friends with and that is not my primary (or secondary) use of FB. I feel comfortable declining their invite.

    I have also ignored other requests to join groups, poke back or whatever. I feel comfortable with my decisions and it has not affected my friendships in any negative way.

    I also had an experience where I posted a comment and felt misunderstood as the person chose to post something that was clearly intended for me on the public post (as opposed to just sending a message to my inbox). I felt angry, hurt and had stories going on about responding in an equally negative way. Then I used Rori’s tools and tools from “the work” and calmed down. Instead, I posted something in my public statement about peace, love and forgiveness and then made a response in the wall to wall to clear up my earlier statement. In the end, all was fine, and I felt happy that I learned how to create peace rather than let something insignificant take on a life of its own.

    I don’t think I have done this on a very conscious level but do realize that I haven’t initiated wall-to-wall to men but only in response.

    Happy FB-ing!

  38.  #38Rori Raye on March 31, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    Mercedes…I’ve found, for me, that the desire to DO is usually a reaction to a fear of just “Being.” It comes from an old habit pattern of the voice saying “I’m not enough” inside our heads and hearts – and this is a voice we ALL have. You’ve worked out a very powerful way to not be “run” by that voice. The most common way this works for most of us is – something happens that has the possibility of intense pleasure and success – and that brings up the Nasty Voice. We hear “I’m not enough” ringing through our minds and bodies and either:

    1. Clamp down on our whole system and freeze…sometimes going through the experience in a kind of daze, or not participating at all…or
    2. Cave to the voice and sabotage ourselves, back away, hide our inner light…or
    3. Get assertive and aggressive and angry inside, get some energy going, and barrel through/overcome the Nasty Voice. (This usually results in us switching into masculine energy – and then afterwards, we feel bad.

    What we’re doing here is working to avoid all three of these options – and go straight for sinking into our feelings. Riffing if that helps, or just – “plonk” – dropping into them.

    As soon as you can do that, and stop thinking your way through it…everything just gets clearer.

    This is the baby step way of learning to trust yourself and living in utter integrity, authenticity, vulnerability and power for all of your life. Love, Rori

    (oh – Mercedes – please put your blog URL in the box provided on the comment form – that way, when we click on your name in the comment, we’ll go straight to your blog…)

  39.  #39Mercedes on March 31, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    Thanks Rori! For me, it is a little different because I rarely have that voice anymore telling me I need to DO something or that I’m not good enough just being (oh…but I used to…bad…). Now I’m at a place in a wonderful relationship where it’s more like I know that relationships take work and both partners have to work together to keep the spark alive. I WANT to do my part. He’s so wonderful and I WANT to give some of that back to him. I don’t want him to have to do all the romance and surprises…I want to be a part of that so that he can experience some of the pleasures I get to receive.

    I appreciate the advice and Iike I said, if there is something I can do (or want to do), it will come to me. I’m not stressing or fussing about it internally…simply feel a desire to give back some of what I receive and looking for creative ways other women have done just that. For now…I will just BE until the right thing comes to me.

    I know I’m a little different than what you teach (probably a little more masculine than you’d like to see but very feminine at the same time)…and that’s okay…I have learned so much from you and will continue to do so. It’s just like on my own blog…I’m sure everything I say is not for everyone out there, but hopefully even parts of it can guide someone in the right direction.

    Thanks for being you and being here for us.

    Much Love,

    PS: Thanks for the advice on where to put the blog…I didn’t even notice that field…lol (not all here sometimes…heehee)

  40.  #40Maria on April 1, 2009 at 4:26 am

    Hello Mercedes,
    what l ment was this: l replied to your post by saying that maybe it would be just good if you and your boyfriend relax together and just enjoy without doing something (right below to your post).
    What caught my eye was the way Rori replied. It clicked perfectly to my inner feelings. This is what Rori said:

    For most of us, I say stay away from this stuff, and see if you can be more spontaneous with your creative and artistic and romantic impulses – and if you want to plan in advance – include him in the preparations.
    A man will usually take everything you want to give – but it doesn’t make him love you more.

    l was just pointing out the similarity of the idea.

    *a big admirerer

  41.  #41Mercedes on April 1, 2009 at 4:43 am

    Awww Maria you are so sweet and now I understand. I thought I was missing something. Sometimes these posts are hard to keep up with. LOL

    You are correct…Rori has a way of saying things so elegantly (as opposed to my own blog which is more of a tough (masculine?) tell it like it is kind of thing…that’s why she’s so good at this!

    I think this subject is something I will always be working on and striving to find my boundary. I guess I’m a woman who really doesn’t want to lean all the way back all the time (although MOST of the time…it’s so comfortable and wonderful to do that leaning). I’m confident I’ll find that line and I’ll do what’s right for me.

    I love the feedback on this subject. Thanks so much!

    Much Love,

  42.  #42Linda G on April 1, 2009 at 5:47 am

    I find I keep getting stuck with men. I have developed a great way of giving great email and phone messages. Men really respond well to me in this venue. My problem is, that when I meet them I either freeze if I am attracted to them, though this has happened only once or twice, or I shut them down because I have built this imaginary relationship with them in cyberspace and in person it’s a whole new gig. Sometimes when I can lean back, it all works out fine, Usually I feel so uncomfortable after having been so vulnerable that i shut down and after 10 minutes I just want to run outta there screaming. It feels like I can’t get over my fear of actually having a relationship, any type with a real guy.
    I do tools on my way to these meetings, but then I am at a loss.

  43.  #43Zoe on April 1, 2009 at 11:34 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I am very upset and conflicted as to what to do and I need some advice and was hoping you could help.

    Yesterday my boyfriend left for a year of travelling around the world after completing his degree. We have been dating for a year and it has been amazing, we have such a great connection, communicate well, and have the same interests and values, our families and friends get on very well. He is wonderful, mature, honest, intelligent, funny, sexy, I feel happy and loved around him (except recently as you will see) and I really feel that he is ‘the one’. It is the best relationship either of us has had and it is the only long term relationship he has had (he is a year younger, we are 25 & 24).

    His leaving has been a source of escalating conflict over the past few weeks. He had always planned to go since before we met and told me this at the beginning. Originally the plan was for us to go together, but for the last few months I have found it difficult to find (well-paying, stimulating) work, and thus have not been able to save anything. Another problem arising from this is my lacking direction and focus in my life, which I know has made me less attractive. So, he made the decision to go by himself after I had not worked for awhile. The plan for me is to try as hard as I can to work, doing anything I can – previously I think I have been too picky in my choice of jobs – to save up some cash and meet him in Europe in 7-10 months.

    The problem is this: as the date for his departure approached he began acting slightly more distant, still wonderful, but not as attentive, loving and caring as he had been previously; and I guess as that has happened I have been increasingly clingy, which has probably exacerbated his distance. I know that instead of doing this I should have focused more on me and leaned back, but it was so difficult with the prospect of his going away for such a long time looming ever closer, I just wanted to spend every minute I could with him. Sometimes (stupidly, I know) I would get upset with him when I offered help and he said he needed to do something alone. We both still miss each other terribly when we are apart (as he has told me), and I know and have been saying that it will be much harder for me as the one left behind as he is busy meeting up with friends around the world and having exciting times traveling while I am left with a much grayer, boring existence. When I tell him this, he hasn’t seemed to be able to give me the reassurance, love and care that I have needed when I express those feelings and am feeling insecure. I know that it will be a good opportunity to grow and develop ourselves individually, but I wanted to be secure in his love for me in order to feel good doing that. Also, I would rather grow together, not apart.

    Originally we had said that we will be faithful and not sleep with anyone else while we are apart, but the day before he left he said that he didn’t want me to be the last person he ever slept with, and wants more experience because I am the only real long-term relationship he has ever had, and basically he wants to be free to sleep with other people if the situation arises. I got very upset about this. On reflection maybe it’s not all bad as “last person he ever slept with” kind of implies that he is thinking about us long term. However I am still very upset as I think that if he really loved me he wouldn’t even consider it – I know I have absolutely no desire to see or sleep with anyone else. I really don’t want him to cheat on me, but I do want him to be happy and feel free, and I am really not sure what to do. I am considering writing him two, very different emails and I am really not sure what the best reaction would be to strenghten our relationship while sticking up for myself and my feelings and desires.

    Here is the first one, my initial reaction – I know it is too strong and angry but it is what I felt:

    “You’re either in a relationship or you’re not, it’s not a separate idea to marriage as you said you thought, marriage is just a way of formalising an already solid relationship. Once a breach of trust like that occurs it is very hard to get back. You want to have your cake and eat it too. Well know this: I will NOT put up with you cheating on me or lying to me about it. You can’t expect me to keep in contact with you, to wait for you or to meet you in Europe or to even be here for you when you get back if you have that attitude and those actions. You have to face the consequences of your choices.”

    and the second:

    “While I am shocked and deeply disappointed with your desire to sleep with other people, and as I said feel that if you really loved me you wouldn’t even consider it, I hope that you will at least have the repect, honesty, and integrity for me and for the girl to tell her about me before anything happens so she can make an informed choice; and to tell me about it afterwards for the sake of honest and open communication in our relationship. I will do the same and we will deal with the consequences of it if and when it occurs; although I can’t promise that afterwards I will still want to come to Europe or to be here for you when you get back.”

    The second is definitely more measured and mature, but I feel it is compromising my morals a little in even allowing him to cheat even though I don’t guarantee the consequences. Maybe there is a combination of the two or even something else I could say or a different attitude I should take?

    Your (and all you other lovely ladies) speedy reply and any guidance you could give would be greatly appreciated!!

    Yours thankfully,


  44.  #44Zoe on April 1, 2009 at 11:44 pm

    By the way I am not able to purchase any of your programs as I don’t have the money but have been eagerly reading your emails and blog posts and have already learnt alot – thanks so much!

  45.  #45Zoe on April 2, 2009 at 12:17 am

    Sorry about hogging the thread, but I just thought I’d add some of my feelings about the whole thing, because feelings are an important part of expressing my feminine energy and it may give you (and me!) more insight into my situation. I feel angry at him for leaving me when we have such a good thing together, and for pulling away towards the end, although we didn’t actually break up. I feel terrified about the prospect of spending so much time without him and missing him so much. I feel sad that our last days together were filled with conflict and apprehensive since I think it will be very difficult to resolve our issues while we are so far apart. I’m also, of course, terrified that he will actually find some beautiful, exotic, intelligent girl in his travels and start a relationship and want to break up with me.
    … aaaaagh!!!

  46.  #46Maria on April 5, 2009 at 9:40 am

    Rori, l have another imprtant question. It is as simple as it is powerful. How to gain RESPECT during circular dating? l have realized that it is not that about looks but something more than that to make men respect you, even wether they want to proceed the relationship further or not.
    Idealisticly you can have wide range network of men in your list, who do not treat you less then with full respect. That include:
    -Being honest, when he is not interested in the future.
    -Being clear about meeting, or no show, before you make any plans
    -Being respectful in his manners and not making any sexual comments too soon.
    -Being on time
    -Not just fuzzing around – meaning, letting you belive that you already share connection, and then just dissapearing…
    How to make them treat you correct from the start?

  47.  #47Maria on April 5, 2009 at 9:54 am

    What was my recent experience? l started to chat with this guy l really liked, until yesterday he asked wether l was online to chat. l did not respond him at once, as l was just enjoying and resting, but later, when l wrote him a long letter, my PC suddenly crashed and all what l wrote went missing. The vibe was gone, so l just wrote him a quick note that my pc crashed, although l had written him a long letter.
    l got a very weird respense. Seemed like he didnt belive me, and he sarcasticly put me off, and just plain simply said goodbye. l felt sad and really disapointedly surprised as l didnt see it coming. l sent him letter back, explaining that l didnt lie about my PC, but then it hit me – what on earth am l saving here, if someone just treats me like sandwitch?
    Still being disapointed, but l wrote him a final letter, telling lm just not feeling very comfortable with all this, and blocked him.
    l dont know if lm too sensible, but the way l was thinking was this – if lm getting negative vibes that soon, its a sign not to go there.lm NOT going to OVERFUNCTION EVER. Period.
    But at the same time lm blaming myself for not being “cool” about it….

  48.  #48Linda G on April 5, 2009 at 9:56 am

    We all have experienced these scenarios, at least I have while circular dating. Perhaps it comes more from leaving the evaluating up to them, allowing them to choose, create the mood of the date, whether they accept us instead of our making the call, thinking enough of ourselves to determine whether we want them, not the other way around.

  49.  #49Maria on April 5, 2009 at 9:56 am

    Maybe l missed a big change…..if l should just tried to save it somehow?
    my inner self does not feel good, no matter how l handled this situation.

  50.  #50Maria on April 5, 2009 at 10:05 am

    l absolutely agree that many of us have faced it, hence l post this question.

  51.  #51Linda G on April 5, 2009 at 10:06 am

    You were right to block him, in my opinion. It serves no good to offer an explanantion, walking on eggshells even in the first round of emails is a big red flag for me.

  52.  #52Daria on April 5, 2009 at 11:32 am

    I feel a little triggered that you blocked him. I feel like blocking him is not being open.

    That feels weird.

    It feels good to me to communicate my truth and remain open to a guy without judging him as too incompetent/rude/mean to turn the situation around.

    I’ve found that even when I felt absolutely furious at a guy (like the soda incident), if I allowed him to lead and simply shared my rage then it actually was so much simpler for my feelings to turn to positive and me to feel connected to myself and him. It really helps to connect me and practice by not cutting off all communication.

    If the guy sends me a “i don’t believe you…” kinda sarcastic comment… I would write: oh I feel awful… I feel so angry reading that!

    And then allow him to respond. It’s either good practice being honest or being SURPRISED. I feel worried that by blocking him I would be blocking my opportunity to be SURPRISED and to receive and feel better.

  53.  #53Linda G on April 5, 2009 at 11:42 am

    daria, you are much more grounded and patient than I am. I have had too much exposure to toxic men and situations and see no value in triggering that angst voluntarily in myself. I try to get out of situations that make me feel bad.

  54.  #54Maria on April 5, 2009 at 11:43 am

    Daria thank you, l noted that. As said, l did not know how to react at first, but lm not going to do anything further either, just being wiser next time.

  55.  #55Maria on April 5, 2009 at 1:36 pm

    Maybe few times ago l would have acted like Daria suggested, however now, even though l did not want that, l decided l wont allow myself to be triggered and do the extra work in finding out whats going on in a big universe of his.

  56.  #56Cynthia on April 5, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    HI Rory and All
    I wrote a couple of days ago about my boyfriend of 4 years possibly breaking up. He did. I’m pretty out of it right now,,,it happened yesterday. I don’t feel I did a good job of leaning back, but I definitely spoke the truth. He has been telling me that he doesn’t know how he feels, or that he feels numb, and he can’t figure it out, for months. I started leaning back about 3 months ago, getting involved in other things, doing more with my friends, not calling, etc.. but I was uncomfortable much of the time when I was with him(waiting for the other shoe to drop),,,and made it clear how I didn’t like the 2-3 days that often went by between talking (we used to talk at least once a day). Yesterday he said he is having a hard time reconciling the fun time we spend together and the love between us, with the fact that when we aren’t together for days at a time, he doesn’t think about me and enjoys his free time. I am really bummed because he left my bedroom Wednesday morning blowing me kisses after a fun evening, no sex, but lots of cuddling on his part…our next interaction was him coming over early Sat morning to declare he wanted to break up! Needless to say, I sort of lost it. I asked him to leave then recanted after I got some fresh air, realizing I wanted to understand his process, which I still don’t understand. The great love bond that we felt for so long has definitely faded these last several months, and I feel he closed his heart to me,on and off, and I to him out of fear. Still. Yes I love him….yes he has work to do big time on himself. What now? I actually hooked up with another male friend ( I had already created this tea date earlier in the week due to the circular dating idea)…so I went in all my tears. He held me and was amazing at hearing and sorting through my pain….I want to call my boyfriend, i mean ex boyfriend…I am in so much pain…I just don’t understand what I’ve been doing wrong. By the way, he did this last year, and came back crying and begging after 3 weeks….I can’t go through this again. I need my life back, and I would be so happy if he could be in it. At 43, I’m not very excited about starting over, when I already have someone I dearly love, and I believe dearly loves me, he’s just shut down for some reason

  57.  #57Maria on April 5, 2009 at 10:49 pm

    He came back and wrote a letter of apologies, admitting him being upset l didnt answer and he sincerely apologized.
    But the weirdest thing is – l have lost my interest. It is like having a high temperature and being cured by it….whats wrong with me? Is this how things should be or is my system really adopting the new way of avoiding pain?

  58.  #58confused on April 5, 2009 at 11:31 pm

    i messed up. my husband went to prison and i started seeing this guy who i was friends with. we’re six days apart. he’s older. he knows my husband fight 21/5. he told me it wasn’t good for my emotions and encouraged me to file for divorce. the only problem is he is an addiction. he would call me 9-10 times a day, pump my esteem up, take me out, do just about everything my husband doesn’t. i’m actually going to post one of our emails hey u its 1200am im going to sleep now just call me whenever u wake up and we can chat then hope work was good good nite girly girl

    > call me in the morn so i can b up and gone by 930 call me at 8-830
    i c what time im done i have to stay over in the morning till bout 830 or so

    k rineer wrote:
    > hey baby boy, hows work going? i miss you. i have to be in town at 10. if you aren’t to tired do you want to join me? i got that divorce appt. it should only take an hour. i could really use your companionship tomorrow.

    my husband found out and threatened jail on him. two weeks later he went to jail. i spent 1000.00 to get him out and he hasn’t called since he has been out. i feel like i lost my best friend. i want to get his attention and thought of many ways but don’t want to look stalkish. i just want to make him realize it could have been him. i want to make him jealous. he has already had fits about my guy friends. but my dilema now is that i have entangled my heart. i even wrote him a note and sent it to him with some of his mail he had left in my car saying i was moving and just to mail my friend. i know i’m chasing a dream. please help.

  59.  #59Tracy on April 6, 2009 at 1:20 am

    Sending you a big cyber hug..i feel so bad that you are going through a hard time..i feel that circular dating and taking care of yourself will put you in a good place.Take yourself out on a date,meet new people and circular date…it helps and soon enough you will feel more at peace and in a better place to decide on a good way forward…



  60.  #60Bonnita on April 6, 2009 at 2:54 am

    Dear Rori,

    I am in a difficult situation with my ex partner who also happens to be the father of our 2 year old son. I have hit rock bottom many times over the passed three years due to extream emotional violence and constant let down after let down due to his alcohol problem and irresponsibility. We have seperated and got back together a countless amount of times, but this time it feels like the last time… i have changed!
    However, even though I have made the decision that this man is toxic for me, I can still have a love for him, where he can crush my self esteem, just as I have built it up through circular dating. Were not even together but i feel like he control my happiness and I know that this is wrong, but I cant just cut him out of life because my son adores him.
    I feel like he is holding a mirror at me of my past and he constantly needs to remind me of everything that I did to contribute to the failure of the relationship.
    No matter how i try and suceed to keep him out of my physical space, he is under my skin emotionally 75% of the time.
    I feel like i can barely go on like this my heart ache is deep and i dont know how to communicate my feelings to create boundaries, he is the only person who makes me freeze in side or fight for my dignity.

    Please help,

  61.  #61Cynthia on April 6, 2009 at 2:56 am

    Thank you for your support and the cyber hug! I don’t think I’ve ever gotten one before. I spent this morning going through my journal, amazed at how I have been organizing my life around him and not being me, my care-free loving giving self, afraid of his withdrawing and lack of reassurance for so long. It is painful to see how much of myself I have given away for him, and how much energy it takes to not be oneself!!! I look forward to nurturing myself and allowing in the love that is there in my life. I feel I have been missing out on the real stuff for too long, obsessed and distracted by letting him determine my sense of value.
    Thanks Again

  62.  #62Tracy on April 6, 2009 at 4:05 am

    thats a great step..just seeing that!i feel pleased that you want to take care of yourself…if you can get the modern siren prog from Rori,it really helps as well as reading the posts on this blog…
    I feel that by just focusing on me and trying my best to do things that make me feel good about myself thats a huge step towards being happy..though past feelings and resentment propped up as i began to search within me and figure what really made me happy i feel determined to focus on my hapiness and not that of my Guy…
    He’s stil on my horse but i am circular dating…i stil have feelings for him but i have love for myself too and thats what i am focusing on now…



  63.  #63Cynthia on April 6, 2009 at 4:31 am

    This is cool Tracy…I really appreciate the support. When you said, ‘he was still on your horse’, i got hooked thinking….ooo maybe mine would come back and get in the dating pool… So, I’m feeling careful about that mind flip…still I am curious, did you guys actually breakup and then he got reinterested? or did you take the leap, let him know you wanted to stay in the relationship and date? I guess I’m maybe still searching for hope that this impossible situation could turn in my favor….what I don’t like is the belief I have that ‘my favor’ means him coming back to me, instead of ‘my favor’ meaning I come back to me, step back and trust that in doing this, my life will begin to realign itself, and to be prepared and surprised by how much better it can actually be, with or without him! So I guess i’m getting there.Thanks

  64.  #64Tracy on April 6, 2009 at 7:07 am

    Having him on my horse simply means that i stil have feelings for him,i stil think of him…Rori wrote on one of the posta that we should not focus on getting over the guy or wether he’s going to come back or not but on ourselves…
    I felt that way as well,i prayed he’d come and all,he’d shower me with is attention and we’d go back together..but the more i focused on myself the less the need to have him around was.Circular dating gave me my confidence back and soon enough i guess he felt i was not so hang up on him so he started calling and making excuses to be with me…
    For me though i now feel that i am more interested in a guy who is emotionally available for me and who wants a commited relationship with me but this guy can’t give me that and thats okay….i am focusing on meeting someone who will make me happy and who wants to make me happy..
    I feel that everyone has a different experience and guyz are different and so for me i realise that when you really try and work on your inside and really love yourself…your mind and heart directs you to the right path of love…i really feel that by taking care of me i’l be able to have the kind of love relationship i really want and for now i am working on being in love with myself..
    Its a process and i make mistakes all the time and i learn something new everyday but i love this doscoveries i am making and taking care of myself for the first time feels great….i guess for me i never really did get time to that,i was always overfunctioning,being there for others,never speaking my truth about how i really felt…its feels great to be working on the most important thing…me
    Baby steps is all thats important…AND LOTS OF LOVE FOR YOU…



  65.  #65Daria on April 6, 2009 at 9:03 am

    Maria… that’s how it usually happens for me. Hence what I had written about in another post I forgot where that I might not feel like answering a guy’s apology the first time. It usually takes some insistance on his part to melt my feeling of anger or being turned off. It sounds like you feel turned off… I am only guessing.

    I would share that too… lately I have beenpracticing sharing “I feel turned off.” This is cool. I feel very interested and excited by your exchange.

  66.  #66Maria on April 6, 2009 at 10:45 am

    Yep l am turned off. Today l have got another 3 emails. let me just see whats happening….

  67.  #67Rori Raye on April 6, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    Bonnita, Welcome, and I’m so sorry for the pain you’re enduring. I don’t know anything about your custody agreement – but is there a way you can limit your time with this man while allowing him access to the son you share?

    If you can see him less, logistically, while you build yourself up, that would be wonderful.

    At the same time – using feeling messages will help with him. When he criticizes you, and you feel yourself going down the tubes, just say…”This doesn’t feel good…” and step away as much as you can. If your son is there, it will help him learn to hear a woman’s feelings, so it’s a good thing all around. If your ex then jumps on that with more criticism – is thre something you DO appreciate about him you can speak about? Is he a decent father? Can you say something like “I really appreciate what a good father you are…” or “…that you come on time and drop him off on time…” or something you honestly CAN appreciate about him and smile about?

    If you can keep the conversation about that…and keep from talking about your own life except for how things are going in the moment…that could help. It would make you feel stronger. Let me know. Love, Rori

  68.  #68Rori Raye on April 6, 2009 at 2:39 pm

    Confused, Welcome, and I wish I could help you more than I can with a quick reply. You sound like you know you need help in a very deep way. That you find yourself involved with men who are living a life where jail is commonplace – this is telling you that you are not valuing yourself.

    If I could wave a magic wand, I’d move you to another state, get you a great job, and help you start a new life, with a strong sense for yourself that you deserve good things.

    You are now emotionally addicted to a low-quality life, full of pain, punishment and drama, and I would love to encourage you to look at that and see what you can do to uplift yourself. Have you thought about taking classes for a job that would bring you in contact with a different class of people? Perhaps talking to a social worker or counselor at a clinic? You deserve more than this. Love, Rori

  69.  #69confused on April 7, 2009 at 1:10 pm

    dear rori,

    these are the type i seem to attract or rather they attach themselves to me. i’ve taken courses in criminology/paralegal. but after a while even you yourself start realizing you can’t change the world. i have been in relationships that are abusive since i started dating at 15. i’m 32 now. i had thought i had found what i wanted with matt. he was charismatic, hard working, sweet tongued, and never laid a hand on me. the only prob was his probation. but he was the first to open doors for me, take me out, but you are right i am a glutton for punishment. but i may have succeeded in a lot of stuff with the way the legal system is. i did move a couple times to try and clear my life i just wound up doing the same thing attracting the ones who need help. i’m just destined.

  70.  #70Rori Raye on April 7, 2009 at 3:02 pm

    Confused – I don’t believe in “destiny.” I believe our lives are a constant improvisation, where what we do, say and think effects the way the next moment unfolds, and everything can be new always.

    You’re simply being run by old tapes and habits and subconscious themes and traumas – I’d really like to suggest my “Toxic Men” program for you – it’s really an amazing program, it’s very uplifting, it’s about POWER, and I know it will help you tremendously. Love, Rori

  71.  #71Mariah on April 10, 2009 at 6:56 am

    Dear Rori,

    I have a very very sensitive question for you, because no matter how much I try to think I can not come up with a comfortable solution.

    I spoke to you a few times and you suggested circular dating, so I was or am doing that. Well, I met a man online that we connect very deeply. We kept talking everyday sharing things about us to the point that we both were getting those butterflies on the stomach just to think about each other. We decided to meet, well …. we met and it was a huge disapointment for me. He is not a gorgeous man, but not someone that I could not be with either because of his great qualities and depth but there was a small problem that to me is huge and was immediatly turned off by and he defenitely notice the change in me right there.

    Here is where I don’t know how to deal with because I really really like him. The problem was his ‘smile’- his teeth, It might sound stupid but for me it is a deal breaker. He was a heavy smoker,I knew that and he is on the process of quitting- I was also aware of that. But Rori, how can I deal with such a personal and sensitive issue? I am a woman that takes care of me inner and of my apparence. I am not obsessed about it but I take care of my body and that includes regular visit to the denstist for cleaning and so fort. Please help me to address this issue to him without offending him.

    very much appreciated it…. Mariah

  72.  #72Daria on April 10, 2009 at 11:08 am

    Hi Mariah… just wanted to say that I was in a similar situation.

    I really liked this guy but when I met him his teeth were messed up and crooked and he even had some missing ones. (He also had kind of a bald spot).

    So one night on the phone (after worrying about it and consulting with girlfriends etc.) I decided to be brave and said soemthing about them. I said and felt really awkward:

    “what happened to your teeth?”

    He told me he had a car wreck a few years back and is going to get them fixed when he gets the money (it is rather expensive).

    Now the bald spot… I haven’t addressed. I have some salves and herbs I can picture myself rubbing in there Loool.

  73.  #73Maria on April 10, 2009 at 2:10 pm

    OK, next step. l have noticed this behaviour – online sites men tend to send you email instead of asking you. Honestly it makes me wonder whats the case. l just replied to one of them – “you want me to do all the work?”
    thats weird. Ladies?

  74.  #74Daria on April 10, 2009 at 6:24 pm

    this is what I learned from Rori to stop the online emails and get to the dating

    After one or two exchanges:

    “I don’t like communicating online… it would feel better to talk on the phone

    I’m at 555 555-5555”

  75.  #75Linda G on April 10, 2009 at 6:29 pm

    I feel like I’m stalking you, Daria, ha ha.
    But really, I like that advice. My girlfriend asked me the same question just hours ago. and I didn’t have an answer.

  76.  #76Maria on April 11, 2009 at 4:30 am

    Here is what l think – if a man drops his email, he is either lazy in chasing me and he is lazy in chasing me. 🙂 )) so probably next time l be just very straight forward with the next guy who drops the line similar like that.

  77.  #77Daria on April 11, 2009 at 10:30 am

    Linda G – hehe I like the idea of being stalked (in this way). I feel like we are both leopards stalking. It feels good like having companionship.

    Maria what do you mean drops his email? As in sends his email and nothing else? Or asks you to email him?

    I have men ask me to call them and give me their numbers… I don’t feel that they don’t want to chase me, because they may be used to dating differently… I say
    “I dont like calling men… it would feel fun to talk to you though… Im at 303 333 3333”

  78.  #78Daria on April 11, 2009 at 10:33 am

    If he just sent me a plain email I might not respond… or if I felt curious about him I would respond..

    I feel weird emailing. or.. I don’t want to email. I like your hair… I feel intrigued.

    Any opener they send (even an email address) means that he noticed me and is sending me energy (whether it feels good or bad)… so it feels good to express the feelings at receiving his energy.

  79.  #79Maria on April 11, 2009 at 10:57 am

    Daria, here is what lve been receiving: Hi, you look stunning, gorgeous, whatever…. Here is my email …., if you are interested or smth, or drop me a line, and then thats it.
    l wudnt mind if just 1 or 2, but l have got 6 of them, and that gives me an idea that l should do all the work.

  80.  #80Daria on April 11, 2009 at 12:44 pm


    is there a way to reply directly on the site without emailing?

    I would reply directly there… if not then I would reply on the email…

    I feel like he is initiating and providing the email so that he can increase his chances of connecting with me…and I’m assuming that he would LOVE to email me if he had mine but doesn’t want to scare me by asking for it directly…

  81.  #81Mariah on April 12, 2009 at 7:35 am

    Hi Daria,

    thanks for your input, I did endep telling him how I felt only because he could not understand my sudden shift in interest. Well, needless to say he did not take it well, became defensive and to me it is basic personal hygiene to mantain healthy teeth. It is a deal breaker as it tells me lots about the person… so I don’t think it will go anywhere at this point.


  82.  #82Linda G on April 12, 2009 at 7:41 am

    This relates back to the idea that we have to accept/like the guy the way he is when we meet/find him.

  83.  #83Eva on April 12, 2009 at 12:13 pm

    I knew this guy from work. He left the company shortly after I joined. Ever since he left, we didn’t meet each other anymore. Only emailed each other once a while on holidays etc. Earlier this year, we started chatting through MSN and he said he broke up with his girlfriend since she was not able to accept his children. And he has been expressed his interested in me. In the first month, we chatted 2 to 3 hours every night. I felt I fell for him, had the sweet “in love” feeling. However, in the following months, we seemed to getting farther away from each other. He seemed to be so busy and being online less and less. There was a few times he sugguested to meet up but every time, he cancelled at the last minute. He went for a business trip last month for two weeks, and during that time, he was being very sweet, said hi to me every day and said wanted to meet up once he came back. However, ever since he came back from the trip, he disappeared. Never be online anymore, always saying busy working. I thought he must be losing interest in me so I didn’t chase after him and was trying to let go and forget about him. But 2 days before, he came online and said he was just too busy and totally interested in me. But then he disappeared again. I am very frustrated and wanted to know what was going on but don’t know how. He is a very smart guy which I’d love to keep as a friend as I always seek advice from him regarding career. Any help would be greatly appreciated!

  84.  #84Grania on April 12, 2009 at 1:58 pm


    I love your Modern Siren program. There is so much information in it. I just wish I could benefit from it like so many other women have. I’ve been trying and trying to work with this program and trying to do the Tools, but it seems like every time I try them, all I succeed in doing is taking a deep breath and men walk past me like I’m a statue. I need your help, Rori. It sounds so simple on the DVDs, easy enough to understand, but I’m obviously missing something crucial, because I just can’t get this to work.

  85.  #85Rori Raye on April 12, 2009 at 5:19 pm

    Grania – Welcome, and it takes PRACTICE to learn to go soft and sink into yourself, and get present…Practice at home by yourself, practice EVERYWHERE – even if no one is around. Do it with the program – just follow along and do it…you’ll feel silly at first, and that’s the idea. If you’re starting with taking a breath – that’s great. See if you can get the idea of the “8 Aspects” – and practice going through all of them, with the Rori Raye Dance Position…if you just keep practicing, you’ll start to see things shift. If you keep at it 24/7 – plus the basics from the ebook so you can understand the larger context of what you’re doing and being as a “Siren” – especially Feeling Messages – you’ll catch on in a matter of days… Love, Rori

  86.  #86Rori Raye on April 12, 2009 at 5:33 pm

    Eva, Welcome, and thank you for your question. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this – and it happens to everyone. A man seems “hot” and then he just doesn’t follow through.

    Your impulse to forget about him is the one you stick with. First – do NOT talk for 2-3 hours with a man by phone. DO NOT EVER do this. You’re feeding his need for companionship and then he doesn’t need anything more. We think sex is the thing we give away to satisfy his needs and then he doesn’t call – but it can be lots of things. Sometimes simple companionship, or conversation, or cuddling satisfies his needs and then he doesn’t call again.

    Keep all phone conversations short. Use the “Goodnight Talk” – it’s specifically in my Heart Connection Toolkit program, but bits of it are in all programs as Feeling Message demonstrations…in the Goodnight Talk, it’s a way to get off the phone that keeps a man hanging and wanting more.

    Next – tell the Truth: “It feels great talking with you, and yet I feel very uncomfortable not seeing you and continuing to just talk by phone. I’m feeling burned out on the phone…”

    Next – you just have to have a fabulous life so that you don’t CARE what a man does. His follow-through is up to him. If he doesn’t, then he doesn’t. Love, Rori

  87.  #87Eva on April 12, 2009 at 10:48 pm

    Thanks Rori! I am thinking to forget about him in “that” way, but would like to have him as a friend like before. I am planning to write an email to him and letting him know I would like to get back to where we were, do you think this is ok? or if it is even possible? Thanks in advance!

  88.  #88Daria on April 12, 2009 at 11:24 pm

    Uhoh… Eva I feel worried.

    It doesn’t feel good to write him an email… because that would feel leaning forward…

    I hope you don’t write it and are able to lean back…

    you like this guy and don’t really want to be his friend do you (are you hoping it may develop into more? – it seems so) ? let him come to you…

  89.  #89Zoe on April 12, 2009 at 11:39 pm

    Well, I’m really glad I “circular dated” advice columnists after being completely ignored by everyone on this site. Just thought I’d leave an update in case anyone cares. I wrote my boyfriend a long letter basically saying that he could sleep around while overseas if he wanted but we were though, I would not put up with that. He wrote back saying that he was sorry and regretted it and now that he is there he couldn’t imagine being with anyone else and that he loved me so much. I didn’t answer for a few days as I went away with friends for Easter and he wrote again saying that he was so heartbroken he could barely function. We had a chat on the phone and all is well. I am so glad that I was strong and that it all worked out so well in the end. Courage, ladies, and don’t put up with any crap from your men – be strong and they will respect and love you all the more for it!!

  90.  #90Daria on April 13, 2009 at 12:50 am

    aww Zoe… i feel bad… I assumed Rori had maybe answered you privately…

    feel glad about your boyfriend showing up for you

  91.  #91Linda G on April 13, 2009 at 5:14 am

    Oh my Zoe, I feel sorry you felt ignored. I have posred myself and not been addressed specifically. It feels wired, like you’re invisible or something. But I figure, I am chiming into a standing conversation with people who have their own stuff going on.
    I feel so happy your guy has made this flip for you. Wherever you got your advice or inspiration to let go, it worked out beautifully. cheers

  92.  #92Eva on April 13, 2009 at 10:44 am

    Thanks for your response Daria! I am thinking to send him this “break up” email and letting him if he keep acting this way, he will lose me. And if he really likes me, he will do something for me to keep the relationship going, if not, then he is not the one for me anyway, I should just move on and find another guy. The issue here with me is though, I cannot even tell if I am really in love with him, really, what love is? Yes, I like him, I want to see him but, is this true love? I cannot tell. Am I making you confused?

  93.  #93Grania on April 13, 2009 at 1:26 pm


    Thanks for your response! I think that practicing will help, but can you please explain to me more about how to actually go about using the eight aspects and the Siren Statements? I know you cover it some in the program itself, but for some reason, I feel like I’m missing something. I don’t understand how to go about using the program’s components. Please help!

  94.  #94Daria on April 14, 2009 at 12:08 am

    Grania, I too am interested if Rori has a specific way to go about using the eight aspects… taht would be really cool.

    Otherwise maybe try to repeat them to yourself ie “i am the oxygen that he needs to breathe” etc whenever you remember to.

  95.  #95Daria on April 14, 2009 at 12:13 am

    Hi Eva, actually I feel glad that it doesn’t feel that you are desperate for him. There is no need to send him the email… it feels more inspiring to let him make the “make up steps” or take the initiative. If he’s not doing it on his own, dont “warn” him with a letter, let him drop the ball…

    meanwhile… you should be CIRCULAR DATING GODDESS!

    Please date at least 3 men at once and have fun and think about (and write down) what the perfect relationship woudl FEEL like for you

    (It woul feel great to feel his arms around me, I feel warm and safe, I feel his skin on mine, he tells me he loves me… etc) and pick something that you can use to remind yourself of this vision…

    what is love for you? how does it FEEL (very important to focus on how it FEELs, both sensations and feelings)

    while you date the guys practice using I feel …. sentences… for example I Daria right now feel pulled into the computer and concentrated and interested…

    whatever comes to mind… try to say as many I feel messages as you can making sure that they are feelings not thoughts… and enjoy…

    that should be a start!

    Do you have Rori’s book? there’s a lot of the explanations of how and why in there and its not very expensive…

    I feel so much stronger and more attractive and self-loving as a woman since using Rori’s tools

  96.  #96Ebony on April 14, 2009 at 8:36 pm

    I have bought several of your programs, but I am feeling very confused. I apologize if this is not articulately written but my mind is all over the place in a panic trying
    to understand how to proceed with the information in your ebook and programs.. What i’m struggling with the most is communication. Last night when i finished your ebook the results I experienced within an hour or so were amazing to say the least. Because I expressed my thoughts in feeling messages and used level 2 listening he responded in ways that i have never in 12 years of being with him experienced. Because of how well things went, I was afraid to interact with him tonight because i was afraid i would make a mistake and ruin things. which i feel like i have. my main question is level 2 listening. letting him talk and not saying anything feels very foreign to me. last night it worked but today i felt forced to laugh or smile because it felt so uncomfortable just to stare at him when he was talking and not say anything. Should I only talk when I am spoken to? I kind of feel like this is stifling my identity by not being able to just talk. I am desperate for suggestions from you or anyone else about whether or not Level 2 listening should be a 24-7 element to my relationship. Please Please help. Things went so well last night but now I feel like I can’t be myself.

  97.  #97Rori Raye on April 15, 2009 at 12:15 am

    Ebony, Welcome – and what brilliant, amazing results! Just keep doing what you did that worked so well, and practice doing this all day long with EVERYONE. It’s the practice that will make you feel comfortable and start you stretching yourself into more and more of your feelings. Love, Rori

  98.  #98Rose on April 15, 2009 at 6:42 am

    I have an event to attend this weekend where my guy will be the center of attention (or will try to be 🙂 I may not know anyone there except him. I don’t want to be it okay to initiate contact with other nen, if only for friendly conversation? I read in your ebook that women shouldn’t approach men. I don’t want to stand around if I am not the way, I ordered the circular dating prgm yesterday, but seeing as the event is saturday I don’t think I will have time to absorb all of the information.which is why I am in a panic.

  99.  #99susan on April 15, 2009 at 8:31 am

    A more general question:
    How should listening (at any level) work on the phone?

  100.  #100ebony on April 15, 2009 at 9:33 am

    How do we read comments or questions after #96?

  101.  #101Rori Raye on April 15, 2009 at 1:42 pm

    Ebony – I don’t know how to respond. I don’t see or have any problems reading comments – unless someone else can enlighten me and help us all – perhaps the problem is in your computer? Let me know, Rori

  102.  #102Rori Raye on April 15, 2009 at 1:44 pm

    Susan – try really tuning in and simply listening. Try simply making sounds – “yeah……bummer…” until you have some feelings or passions to express…and then tune in to feel sure you’re being heard. The phone is a wonderful thing…I coach by phone, and it creates such a sensitivity – I feel that I can actually FEEL what you’re feeling on the other end of the phone. Love, Rori

  103.  #103Rori Raye on April 15, 2009 at 2:04 pm

    Welcome, Rose…Here’s what you do: Be a Siren. Stand near him, lean back, look around, ground yourself, touch objects, smile from your heart, be warm when someone talks to you – and LISTEN. Even if you’re very nervous and off-balance – listening at Level 2 to someone else will calm you – and they will love it! Do not initiate anything with a man. You don’t have to. Go to the food if you feel weird. Talk to women – you can initiate with them by smiling, and saying hello. Love, Rori

  104.  #104ebony on April 16, 2009 at 7:12 am

    Hello, in an earlier comment there was a reference made about a ‘goodnight talk’ I am intrigued but I can’t afford to buy another program. I have bought 3 and
    1 is on the way b/c I am so desperate. Can anyone fill me in?

  105.  #105Katie on April 16, 2009 at 10:35 am

    Thanks so much for this blog and your tools! I am currently involved with a man (six months into the relationship) and he has asked for sexual exclusivity and well as asked that we both wear rings he bought. (The rings are nothing fancy, just nice silver rings.)
    I have asked where he stands on the issue of future plans such as marriage and he says he is “living day to day and trying to get by” but also tells me he would like to “see us get together in the future” and that marriage is a possiblilty.
    It is so confusing to me.
    Do I go with this or do I circular date? (he has told me that he will not see me if I see anyone else.)
    I don’t know what to do but I do know I do not want to be strung along forever or end up as a girlfriend with benefits indefinitely.

  106.  #106Daria on April 16, 2009 at 11:40 am

    Good nite talk is a talk on the phone where you lean back, and stroke soft objects around you, like a cat or your thigh. Really lean back (physically) and relax. Answer him in feeling messages and let silences hang until he fills them… then when you are ready to go you say something like… oh im feeling sleepy now… and he says oh… okay… bye talk to you later… and you let him be the last one to speak…

    It would feel nice to have more explanation about the Goodnite Talk if there is more to it… its meant to keep you from talking “shop” about what’s going on in your day and be feeling message only…

  107.  #107eva on April 16, 2009 at 12:02 pm

    Hi Daria,

    Thanks for your comments! It’s good that I took your advice not to write him that email haha… He sent msg to me saying sorry, he said he just wanted to be away from the world for a while, went to gym every night,was not ingnoring me blah blah blah… But then I don’t know how to respond to him. I did feel hurt when he was not replying to my emails and stuff, and yes, I did miss him a lot. I felt a bit happy when I received his message saying sorry to me. I like him and I want to be at least a good friend with him. But don’t know what my response to him would be most effective. Any idea? Shall I tell him how I felt during the time he was avoiding me?

  108.  #108Daria on April 18, 2009 at 7:35 pm

    Hi Eva, my quick cold answer is:

    if you want a chance with this man DO NOT be a friend with him.

    That will not make you feel good, and will not get you him or his love.

  109.  #109ebony on April 20, 2009 at 6:57 am

    My guy and I rarely argue since I started using these programs, but when we do have the occassional disagreement,I find it hard to stop myself from referring to him. I start off with a feeling message, but after that its hard to keep the focus on how I am feeling inside, or asking him what he thinks. Any suggestions?

  110.  #110rose on April 20, 2009 at 10:29 am

    I am following the programs and it seems like the constant message is, lean it ever okay to lean forward and do something nice? I read this book that oprah recommended about the reasons why men overwhelmingly high amouint of men felt it okay to do something nice for him? Or atleast reciprocate a nice gesture?

  111.  #111Jenaveeve on April 20, 2009 at 12:35 pm

    Dear Rori. First I want to thank you for changing my Life! I have been soo busy lately w circular dating and my wonderful life (because I finally learned to focus on myself). Even men from a lifetime ago are looking for me. SO I’ve not had much time to read your blogs. But I still listen to your dvd Have the Relationship You Want and read your newsletters whenever I can. WELL, I have been approached to do a reality show about marriage and I wanted to know if I have your permission to talk about the things you’ve taught me about relationships, men, and myself. How do you feel about that?

  112.  #112Daria on April 20, 2009 at 2:19 pm

    Hi Ebony,

    we all have trouble using feeling messages (or doing anything new) “in the moment” when we’re feeling triggered. That’s mainly the reason to practice them all the time so that it gets easier to do it when the “tension is on.” I definitely have a hard time doing it sometimes still. Every time I do get even One across at a tensioned time I feel very happy with myself and proud. Baby steps…

    Give yourself credit if you can do it a little bit… it opens up for you to be able to do it more and more…

    It takes a lot of bravery to even try!

    If feeling attacked, and just can’t take it anymore, there is always the option to leave the room, hang up the phone (that’s right just click! he’ll call back), or remove yourself from the conversation.

    I do this and even though i feel scared (thinking its rude) it works and the “rudeness” (really isn’t so bad because my leaving the convo has to do with respecting myself and him and trying to not get about HIM or tolerate feeling something I don’t want to) hasnt stopped him from calling back or continuing to pursue me.

    Rose, according to what I understand from Rori, men don’t feel appreciated when they are given to. (In fact, under the logic which tells them this is a nice thing, they FEEL turned off and disrespected). It is ok to give Back to a man when he’s giving to you, but mainly this is a spontaneous overjoyment that you give because you feel so full of happiness at what you are receiving.

    The way for a man to feel appreciated (which is something VERY important that men want and need) is for us women to say Thank You when receiving, and be able to look in their eyes melt and for him to see us authentically ENJOY what we receive from him

    (if we really enjoy it… if not then we can say : oh I feel glad to see that you want to “please me” ( probably use other words depending on what he did/gave/said – this is the appreciating part) and I don’t like (whatever the giving was)… I feel weird, sad, disappointed, awful, angry…

    For example in Targeting Mr. Right there is an example of a date:

    Man says to woman: Wow Nice Boobs!

    (now personally I would like this, however she didn’t)

    She woudl say: I feel glad to be complimented, and I feel really uncomfortable talking about my breasts… actually I’m feeling angry

    I know you didn’t ask about when we don’t like something, this example really struck me as appreciative because she would actually Appreciate that he gave her a compliment (however rude)… so it really stood out to me how its possible to appreciate all incoming man energy that is meant to please us in any way

  113.  #113Kristine on April 20, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    So I have been experimenting with Facebook and noticed that when I allow a man I am interested in to become my “friend”, I start to feel strange, nervous, like he is always watching me. I also feel awkward posting information about what I am up to, because I feel a lack of privacy…like I am ruining the mystery. I also find myself thinking too much about what to post or not post. I also tried not posting anything for a while, and just sinking into my fear, but then I felt bad because I wasn’t keeping in touch with my female friends and family.

    I have also found myself starting to build an “imaginary relationship” with this man, because by having him linked to my FB page, I get to see everything he posts on his wall…and strangely I start to feel more emotionally connected to him everytime a notice pops up on my page about something he posted on his!!! Even though, what he posts on his wall is for public viewing by all his friends and not me in particular!

    I am also starting to feel uncomfortable not seeing him in person, or having him email or text me directly anymore…it seems FB makes it too easy for him to stay connected to me, so why should he bother making an effort to call or see me?

    At first I thought FB would be a great way of expressing myself…like a siren song, but the more I use it knowing that this particular man may be reading my posts, the more I start trying to post things which I think might draw him closer to me. This is starting to look too much like leaning forward and trying to get his attention, walking on eggshells as to what I say or don’t say, trying to connect via his mind, even though I do express myself in “feeling messages”, I think about it too much.

    I have also realized that I do not want to just be friends with any man. I want a lover and a potential marriage parter. If he is really into me, it shouldn’t matter if I connect to him on FB or not.

    So, bottom line is I have DELETED him (and all men other than family or non-love interests) as a friend from my Facebook page. This was an interesting experiment. Surprisingly enough (or perhaps it should come as no surprise) he hasn’t noticed…not even a text to ask what happened or why did I delete him!? I guess I really was in an imaginary relationship, hoping something more existed between us. Thankfully I didn’t invest more of my time and heart into this guy and I learned something from it, which I hope will help the other ladies reading this comment as well.

    Thank you.


  114.  #114Daria on April 20, 2009 at 4:50 pm

    Hi Kristine…

    i feel very interested in your experimenting with accepting and deleting facebook friends.

    When I first started using myspace dating I felt the same… heart jumping seeing a guy I liked online, feeling annoyed not to get a message from him, etc…

    After a few months I didn’t feel bothered anymore as I was getting many men writing me and there were more that I found attractive. I no longer felt so tied to one.

    I also deleted one guy who made me mad on the phone, it turned out he really liked me though and he did notice at one point and call and I wound up adding him back (although right now he’s not driving and although I felt guilty I had to tell him I don’t want to date a man I would have to drive to).

    Congrats to you saying No to what you don’t want, so now you can say Yes to more of what you want.

  115.  #115Maria on April 21, 2009 at 12:31 pm

    Hi, Kristine,
    l have beenexperimenting the same thing and l have to say l agree on what you said, big time. What l have noticed is that there are some people, who literally collect contats, like they have 400 and more pics (and most of them are girls). l get invitations every day (l have quite sexy and hot picture of myself on the profile), but l hardly accept them, because when l once did, what happened, was exactly as you described, Kristine. l realized that l keep in my FB only for people, who are either close to me and whith whom lm having some real contact.
    Recently l did an exeption – l did accept one very handsome man to my facebook, but l deleted him one week later, cos l felt triggered and l felt not very “private and mystique” eventually.

  116.  #116Dagmar on April 21, 2009 at 10:02 pm

    Dear Rori,
    I have been reading your e-letter for several month now and I have ordered your and watched you Modern Siren DVD Program.
    For quite a few month now I have had the biggest crush on my boss. We flirt and have fun at work, but it doesn’t go anywhere. I have tried to push the issue and ofcourse he pulled back. You Modern Siren DVD arrived just in time and I learned to leanback and smile and listen and simply enjoy myself. I have made peace with the fact, that Mirza (he is Bosnian, I’m German) will never ask me out. We are both single, but the rules of the Company are very stricked and defined as far as fraternization goes. I have accepted that fact and I think that Circular Dating is a great solution.
    I only have one problem with it. I can’t find any man, not one to date. I work long and hard hours every day. 11+ hours. From 11 am to 10pm at night. I work in Sales and the my hours are set for me. I also work every weekend. Having weekend off is not an option. BTW. Mirza sets my schedual for me, and has me work every night, with him. I have 2 days off every week, but it’s impossible to find a man on that schedual. I have joined two dating sites and the results are very marginal. Men loose interest as soon as they find out about my work hours. Since I’m allways off on tuesdays and thursdays, there isn’t a place to go to meet anybody. I sit at starbucks, no man. I sit at a local Bakery/Coffeeshop, no man. Single men don’t go to the supermarket. I don’t go to Church, this is the Biblebelt, where church-going is a lifestyle.
    The men who contact me on the dating sites are just terrible. They are boring, uncooth, uneducated, unhealthy, ungroomed. They keep telling me how they spend their time in front of the Tv, watching, Football, Baseball, NASCAR drinking beer. They tell me about their awesome Truck and how they got stuck in this awesome Mudhole and how awesome they got out of it.
    Men in their 30’s and 40’s that look like I”m used to men looking in their 60’s. Bloaded faces, with bloaded bodies. The lifestyle here is very unhealthy. People here spend their time with recreational eating and drinking. The obesity rate is incredible. I find pictures of men in my inbox with waddle chins, jowels, sagging eybags and find out that they are younger then myself (I”m 44) and they have Heartattack writen all over their faces. Since I don’t have a social life, largly because of my job, I feel at a dead end. I haven’t had a date in Months and I’m considering looking for a new job to free up some time to built a social life. To find a new job that pays enough to support myself is very difficult to find in this area. I consider myself lucky to have this job. I would love to Circular Date….but can’t find a man I feel comftable with. I don’t don’t see the free therapy hook with men who either repulse me, or bore me to tears before we ever make it to a date.
    P.S. I just reread what I just typed and I sound so whiney and helpless, but this is the situation as it presents itself to me and right now I feel like crying.

  117.  #117Kristine on April 22, 2009 at 11:20 am

    Thanks Daria and Maria. You are right Maria about contact collectors! This guy had over 400 “friends” too! Mostly women! And it was fun to watch the girls chasing after him on his page! Everytime he made a comment or status update (always about HIM), the girls would add a comment back…give him advice, compliment him, ask him to call or meet, etc. I just can’t believe so many women are like that! Why can’t we just sit back and relax? Why do we always have to be doing stuff? Trying to make things happen? I feel frustrated and angry when I think about it.

    You know what else is interesting, after I deleted him, I began having doubts! Maybe I shouldn’t have reacted? Was I trying to make something happen by deleting him? Expecting a response? Was I running away instead of standing still? What was I scared of? Maybe I should have just left him out there hanging as a friend? For some reason, I just couldn’t handle that. It just felt icky. Was I closing myself off to him by cutting the cord? I don’t think so. He still has my phone number and email. Then I realized it really doesn’t matter. He really wasn’t giving me what I need from a true relationship. It felt better to be free. I felt a little depressed and lonely at first, like we had just broken up (totally imaginary), but at peace. Now I can post away on FB without inhibition!

    If he ever does contact me in the future to ask why I deleted him from FB, I think what Maria said was good… “I want to use FB only for people who are close to me and with whom l’m having some real contact. It just didn’t feel good. I felt awkward posting my private thoughts and activities”. Now that’s setting a good boundary.

  118.  #118Ruiseaux on April 22, 2009 at 12:59 pm

    I know there’s no such thing as a quick fix, but I feel desperate and crushed. I am doing my best to follow the programs but I am worried in the end I will lose my guy.we have been dating for 12 years. We had planned on getting married last summer but our finances fell through. Up until january of this year he would talk freely about getting married. But it was after he came back from a trip to see his family that his feelings apparently changed. I happened to bring it up and he started to say things like marriage is just a piece of paper and why did I feel like I needed it? I have felt devastated ever since. We live together and he tells me he loves me, but he’s hot and cold.when I made a comment about not knowing what my future holds,he said that ‘one day,we will get married and have kids.’But the next day he makes comments referring to his future kids instead of saying ‘our’.I had been paying for all of our expenses because I thought we were getting married and I wanted to help him with his career.(He doesn’t have a regular job,because he is training in athletics)To top it all off,he has a plan to spend 6 months overseas (for athletics)this fall. I feel sad because I think I don’t have enough time to apply all of rori’s tools before he leaves.I know it sounds crazy but I really want this guy to want to marry can I do this in a short amount of time?

  119.  #119Rori Raye on April 22, 2009 at 5:17 pm

    Welcome, Ruiseaux, and I’m so sorry – you are right – there’s no quick fix here. If you can beef up your self-esteem using all the Tools you have, so you can be present and relaxed and confident with him, rather than feeling desperate (which is totally understandable at this point) – that will help you instantly.

    You want to focus on the GOOD instead of the bad. You want to feel as happy as you can as much of the time as you can. Every time he looks at you – he should feel that not only are you OKAY without him, you are a woman who THRIVES no matter what – that will help.

    My guess is something happened on that trip. If you lean back and listen, he may tell you what happened. He may have met another woman, felt attracted and simply doesn’t know what to do about all his conflicting feelings. He may be very, very immature.

    I hope you will take Circular Dating to heart to lift your spirits and have fun in your life rather than feeling lost about him – especially when you’re around him.

    I know Erika would say this is intolerable. After 12 years you shouldn’t be in such a difficult situation. And yet – here you are, and I want you to simply do the best you can for yourself right this minute. Your goal can’t be to get him back stronger and married – because that will backfire if you broadcast your need to him. You must feel very, very angry underneath your panic. If you can get in touch with that, it will help you. Love, Rori

  120.  #120Rori Raye on April 22, 2009 at 5:23 pm

    Dagmar, Welcome, and I’m so sorry you are enduring this. I know the economy is “bad” and jobs are hard to come by – but an 11+ hour job seems intolerable to me.

    You may have to use your sales instincts and go new-city shopping. I’m talking about looking for work elsewhere, perhaps creating your own business right now online. Sales is a job that you can get anywhere, if you’re good at it. Perhaps your boss can replace you with someone who will work those hours, but it seems pretty far fetched to me (if you’re good at what you do). The answer here, to me, lies in refreshing your life. You are like an indentured servant here, and I’d like to see you get out of this situation.

    Use the dating sites, Craig’s list, and do the research to look at other cities to live and work in, and when you feel you have some leverage, ask for shorter hours. Love, Rori

  121.  #121Wyndee on April 24, 2009 at 6:31 am

    Hello, I have a question about being ‘authentic’ that others may have run into as well. What can I say if something is wrong, but its not something I want to discuss, or maybe the timing is wrong? My boyfriend will notice if I am upset but I don’t always know what to say at the time, although I realize saying “nothing” is bull and non-authentic (and he realizes it too!)

    Is there something I can say to deflect the ‘what’s wrong’ question while I decide how (or even IF) I want to bring it up without him worrying? And what if I decide I don’t want to bring it up at all?

  122.  #122Rori Raye on April 24, 2009 at 9:19 am

    Wyndee, Welcome, and thank you for your question – it’s a great one. I personally, instinctively play “close to the vest.” I harbor my thoughts and feelings as though they’re cosmic and unsharable (except for here…). I feel instinctively afraid to share what’s really going on with me. And at the early stages of a relationship, that fear is often justified, if your issues are about what HE’S doing “strong” or if you’ve missed your period, or any number of things.

    I’ve discovered over time, and it’s starting to become more “popular” out there – that opening up and saying the TRUTH is ALWAYS a WIN – for everyone.

    The way to learn to speak the truth is in all my programs – basically – you have to prepare, and really write a “speech” and memorize it, so it says what you feel – and not just what you want, or what you think.

    I’ll write a post about speaking the truth – Sometimes it’s hard to get back here and direct you to it, so if I can’t get the link in – look for it after this date…Love, Rori

  123.  #123Flipper on April 24, 2009 at 1:05 pm

    Hi Wyndee,

    I feel that you’re already one baby step ahead if you and/or he realize that ‘something’ is amiss and are willing to acknowledge it. If this were my situation and the ‘something’ doesn’t need “the” speech or I wasn’t quite sure what’s up or ready to formulate it, I could say “Yes, I don’t feel quite right about something. I’m not even sure just what this is about yet, so I’m kinda feeling myself through it right now and don’t know what to say. And it feels good to hear your concern – it makes me feel I can share it with you later if that would feel helpful to me”. What do you think?

  124.  #124TW on April 26, 2009 at 5:45 pm

    Hello ladies,
    It has been a really long time since I have post. Maybe even over a month. A lot has happened too. Anyway, long story short, my LI and I had a talk the other morning before I went to work. I told him exactly what I wanted and asked a few questions in between to see if we were on the same page. He told me that he was not seeing other females or having sex with them. I told him that I was ready to start my life and that I was ready to get married and have a family and all of that stuff. I asked him did he see himself having a life with me meaning getting married and all of that. I told him that I was prepared for whatever the answer was and that I was not pressuring him but was just curious. I got that from Christian Carter’s website. Anyway, he told me that he wanted to build a life with me but was not ready to get married yet. I said ok and that I was not pressuring him and did not dwell on the situation because the old me would have still been talking about it now and it happened days ago. He is still hot and cold somewhat but has expressed his feelings more than before. I just ordered modern siren and hope that it will help me get where I need to be. I have missed you all so much. Talk to you soon…

  125.  #125Barb on April 27, 2009 at 5:10 am

    Dear Rori,
    I have been dating a man for a little over two years. We have had a long distance relationship for 17 months now, and I decided it was time for me to either go forward or stop the relationship here.
    When I spoke with my boyfriend about it this past weekend while I was visiting him, he went from ok, come here to live, get your own place if you want and we’ll see what happens but I want you to know that y our pushing me and I can’t be held accountable for what happens. This from a man who says he loves me and wants to sapend the rst of his life with me, that I am the one! Confused I pushed that I needed more and he said if I push I might just push him away.

    While I was wondering what to do his cell phone rang and I decided to answer it, I don’t know why because I never go near his phone and it was actually a ring for a text message that he had to pick up. We had just talked about trust and whole issue of being able to read each others email , text messages and so on, so I guess me being a snoop, I read the text.

    My heart stopped, itr was from a women who very clearly is texting back and forth with my boyfriend. I then went in the phone and read all of the texts they wrote to each other and it appears that they might being seeing each other. There are ones where he has asked her out to dinner, some where they agaree upon a time for him to pcik her up, and some sort ones that just say things like deal, or you bet, any time.

    I’m stunned, can’t belive it, don’t know what to beleive for sure. this man knew that I have bennn cheated on in every relationship, and promised me that he would never do that. Said that he had to much respect for me.

    This is also the same man that says he doesn’t want to lose me , and asked me to give him more time!

    So, do I confront him with this, or do I let it go because I snooped, am Im making more of this than I should, because if I trust him I should trust him. And if I confront him , I have to tell him that I read his messages and that might be enough for him to want to break it off, evn though we had just talked about that.

    I need advice, I don’t know what to do!!! He’s a good man, and when we are together our relationship is wonderful. Its when we are apart that the problems arise for me, I miss him and want to be with him.

    Help, what is your advice??

    Confused in Elgin.

  126.  #126Wyndee on April 27, 2009 at 5:11 am

    Thank you so much for your responses ladies! I am working on speaking the truth and learning that the world won’t end if I am not perfect and say what I am feeling–that is a big step sometimes. 🙂

  127.  #127T on April 29, 2009 at 8:31 am

    Hello, this is my first time ever doing something like this, and my friend suggested it because she told me Rori Raye changed her life and view on things. I guess I just want to say I’ve never been at a lower point in my life; I have no trust in really anyone or in relationships or in love. I feel like everything I hear is bull, and that I will never find true love, and at this point I don’t know if I want it/if it is worth the risk. I feel like everyone cheats, and I don’t know how to trust. How do I get that trust back? How am I supposed to learn how to be confident in a relationship again? It seems impossible, and it is so lonely.

  128.  #128Rori Raye on April 30, 2009 at 11:02 am

    T, Welcome and I feel this totally lovely, feminine sensibility and voice coming from your comment, and I’m so sorry you’re in so much pain and feel so frustrated and “untrusting.”

    What I want for you is to take the baby steps (and I know you’ll get lots of help here) to start loving and trusting YOURSELF. When you can FEEL that kicking in – things will change…Love, Rori

  129.  #129Rori Raye on April 30, 2009 at 11:16 am

    Barb, Welcome, and thank you for the detail of your situation. I’m so sorry this has happened – and yet, I think this “wake up call” will be very, very helpful to get you back on track.

    You’ll get a lot of help here – and if you want to start with a program after my ebook gives you the basics you need – go with Targeting Mr. Right, because what you need to do is DATE!!!

    It is absolutely completely ridiculous, useless and criminal to ourselves to be exclusive with a man when marriage is not an actual plan – with a date and a ring (if that’s what you want) – because most of the time – the commitment you HAVE is what you ALWAYS will have with a man, unless you take steps to TRANSFORM it. It is especially crazy to be exclusive with a man long-distance.

    Being angry with him is useless. AND I don’t want you blaming yourself for ANYTHING. I don’t hear any overtly romantic texts there – and what you need to do is step back, say you hear him, you understand, you’re going to go back home and “think about it, and that it’s totally okay for him to not be sure, and that you’ll just take care of yourself and keep your options open…” This means you date him AND you date others, and if he wants to date other women you DROP HIM!!! I mean this, firmly… 2 years is long enough.

    I know this was a harsh comment for you – but I think it’s the most helpful way I can be with you…Love, Rori

  130.  #130Rose on April 30, 2009 at 6:55 pm

    When is it okay to initiate sex? I want to keep things spontaneous, but the constant in rori’s programs is leaning back.if I initiate sex will it undermind the headway I have made or will he eventually tire of me? He has made a comment in the past about wishing women would be more aggressive sexually.

  131.  #131TW on April 30, 2009 at 7:04 pm

    That is a good question but I do not think initiating sex is leaning foward if you are doing it if that is what YOU want to do and not what you think HE wants you to do. You have to feel your feelings at all times and make sure that you are not doing it because he says that he wishes you would do it. Make sure that you are feeling sexy and want to be touched and caressed at the time of the initiation and enjoy yourself in the moment. Make it about your feeling and your body not his. Think about yourself. You brought up the fact that HE said he wants a woman to initiate sex so do not make this an issue for you. Let him work through that and you work on you. If you want to have sex and initiate it then fine but if you don’t then don’t no matter how he feels. Your job is to take care of you and your feelings at all times. It is easy to say but hard to do because I tend to worry about the man in my life a lot. I will tell you more later but right now be a Goddess…. That is your body and your decision so make it all about you…

    Love ya

  132.  #132Flipper on May 1, 2009 at 2:10 am

    What about if he doesn’t want sex you’ve initiated? (Yes, it does happen – to me anyway.) I feel we should be prepared to not take a refusal personally, as rejection of us, however hard that may be (after all, our own ‘headaches’ are not always about him). Whether he has an issue with us or it’s about something else going on in his life, it’s still His problem.

    That said, I feel it’d be wise to ask ourselves if we’re initiating from feeling neglected or un-lovely, i.e. from a place of neediness, in which case we’re probably better off leaving him out of it and taking care of ourselves. According to Rori, seeing us getting on happily with our lives feels to him like a much better stimulant and anti-depressant than the faux happy faces we’ve often led ourselves to stick on. And I wonder if trying to entice him to sex when he’s off wouldn’t just feel to him like a challenge of his man power when he might already be preoccupied with that on some level (not just sexually, but professionally or whatever)?

  133.  #133Rori Raye on May 1, 2009 at 9:53 am

    Rose – I don’t know where you are in this relationship. To a man – you’re being incredibly open, sensual, and smiling at him is initiating. Responding with full passion when he kisses you is initiating.

    This is very different than jumping his body, or verbally suggesting sex.

    Kissing his neck when he smells good to you is INVITING him – not initiating – the difference is the AGENDA. Leaning your upper body back when he kisses you and yet leaning your pelvis into him is still responding – not initiating – but it works the same way.

    Just as long as you’re able to then walk away, if he doesn’t take it from there.

    See if you can practice this, and see if it makes sense to you. Love, Rori

  134.  #134Wyndee on May 1, 2009 at 10:07 am

    I just wrote a speech to give my boyfriend/ex-fiance. This might be long and boring to everyone, lol, but i want to type it out.

    I love you more than I ever thought possible to love someone.
    I love being with you, drinking wine, taking trips and making love, all that amazing stuff– you know that.
    But for a stronger commitment I need to feel 100% secure and loved by you.
    Women are going to come on to you–you are super hot. That’s a given.
    But I need to feel completely secure that the man I am engaged to and have a home with will turn them down. Every time.
    I can’t wonder–that feels horrible.
    I’m not saying you can’t have friends and talk to women–but months of secret texts and talk of a meetup in another city is not something I am comfortable with.
    Secrets turn into suspicions and suspicions cloud everything, even the happy times.
    I’m not accusing you, this isn’t an issue of right or wrong or black or white–I just do not feel secure having that type of relationship with the man I am engaged to.
    And I have to be true to myself.
    When you gave me the engagement ring I was so honored. I took it very seriously. Maybe I’m weird but that’s how I felt about it. It wasn’t frivolous to me–I cried I was so blown away.
    But the ring and living together is a big deal to me. I can’t give up my freedom and close off my other options when I feel like we are on shakey ground.
    And I can’t give you my heart and wear your ring unless I feel 100% secure and loved.

    Now if anyone got this far, 🙂 thoughts?

  135.  #135Daria on May 1, 2009 at 10:54 am

    Hi Wyndee…

    I see you put a lot of care into this letter, and it feels like you’re mentioning what you want to say.

    I would change EVERYTHING to a feeling message and Don’t want. That means the I can’t to Don’t want,
    That means no secrets turn to suspicions etc (yes it was a poetic line alas).

    Here’s how I would tweak it, I hope you don’t feel overly triggered…

    I love you more than I ever thought possible to love someone.
    I love being with you, drinking wine, taking trips and making love, it all feels amazing.
    And I need to feel 100% secure and loved to feel good having a stronger commitment.
    I feel concerned and it would feel good to know how you would deal with other women.
    I need to feel completely secure that the man I am engaged to and have a home with will turn them down every time.
    I don’t want to wonder–that feels horrible.
    What do you think?

    I feel concerned about the texts I read in your phone that talk of a meetup in another city. I feel uncomfortable and upset.
    I don’t want to accuse you, and I just do not feel secure.
    What do you think?

    When you gave me the engagement ring I felt so honored. I took it very seriously and it felt so important to me. I cried and I felt so blown away.
    The ring and living together is a big deal to me. And I don’t want to give a man my heart and wear an engagement ring unless I feel 100% secure and loved. I don’t want to give up my freedom and close off my other options when I feel like we are on shakey ground.
    What do you think?

    Okay… what do you think? perhaps the part about other women can be worked on more? Does he know already that you saw the texts?

  136.  #136TW on May 1, 2009 at 8:41 pm

    Ladies I need your help. I have been seeing a guy off and on for years and do not have a committment yet.. ring…. He is always hot and cold with me. I asked him the other day was he seeing other females or sleeping with others and he said no and promised me that he wasnt. I find that I do not know if I trust it. Maybe it is because I do not trust myself. Anyway, this is going to be a long one. I told him that I loved him and that I wanted him all to myself meaning I did not want him to see or sleep with other females because I loved him. I also told him that I was ready to get married and that I want ready to settle down and asked him did he see himself building a life with me and he said yes but he is not ready to get married yet. I said ok that I understood and that I was not trying to pressure him in any way. I just left it at that but I find myself constantly wanting to ask him if he is with other females because I question myself. I have slept with another man since I had this conversation with him. My LI promised me that he loves me and there is no one else and when I saw something suspicious on his part he brought it up not me and told me that I could ask about anyone that I wanted to but I did not bring it up because I felt needy and he would have sensed that by my constant questioning. I feel lonely because he does not call me every day and I rarely see him. Granted he does own his own business and he is busy a lot but I feel like he does whatever it is he wants to do when he wants to do it. I feel invisible and do not know how to express it without bringing it up again you know. I want to be with him so bad. He is my best friend and I love him with all of my heart. How do I turn it around to make him see me again. When we first met he would call me every day and tell me that he loved me and text me out of the blue but now I feel like I am by myself all of the time and I started occupying it with this other guy and that is how I ended up sleeping with him which I do not need to do anymore. I would feel awful if he did that to me. I want the ring ladies… Any advice? I have modern siren and will be listening to it tomorrow.

  137.  #137Tracy on May 2, 2009 at 1:21 am

    I feel so bad that you are going through a difficult situation…
    For me the same has been happening though my relationship was not a longtime as yours and what i have come to learn is that i need to get the feeling of wanting to be with him as the ultimate goal in my mind……it feels like being needy and desperate and it feels as though if he did leave my world would come crashing down….There were also times when i even wished i’d have a baby with him just so I’d see him around more often…yes…how lame is that….Looking deep down i have been trying to analyze why i feel so desperate and needy towards him and i realize that i really do not feel like i am worth of love,or that i can really truly have a wonderful relationship with a man who adores…deep down..i don’t believe it….that is why i desperately hold on to and feel needy and desperate and my mind tells me that i need to do something to make it work otherwise the dude will leave
    I don’t believe i am a diva and a loving goddess with so much love and compassion to share with the world…
    I am now working on changing that,and i feel confident with my baby steps…..i feel that whenever i feel confused or troubled about love or feelings about a guy then the answer rests inside of me…i need to work on improving myself on the inside….
    I now realize why Rori Insists on loving ourselfs and being good to us….because then and only then can you start on improving your self esteem,and making the right choices that work for you and that make you happy….
    I feel confused and helpless just as you do….and the nasty voices come and go….but i realize now that i need to discover why i feel these feelings….embrace them and use them to take me to feeling good moments….
    It sounds easy to say…i feel challenged each time i write these down because i feel now that this is a process that requires patience and tolerance to ourselves but all worthwhile…

  138.  #138Tracy on May 2, 2009 at 1:28 am

    I forgot to thank you for checkin up on me on a previous post where you left a comment….thanks for that….
    I am doing fine…i honestly came to this blog searching for answers on how to get my guy back but it opened a new whole discovery for me and now i am learning so much about myself…it feels scary sometimes and and i feel tempted to go back to my old ways sometimes but i am growing one step at a time….
    I feel a change inside of me and my vibe feels different….
    i stil make mistakes trust me…but i am learning to be patient with myself and forgive myself….babysteps i guess…



  139.  #139ebony on May 2, 2009 at 10:35 am

    How do you respond to a man when he shares his feelings and vulnerability? Yesterday I got a text from my guy saying that he was sad and that he wishes that he could win the lottery so that we could start having kids. I was obviously thrown for a loop when he wrote this. I wrote back ‘I love u’ because although I felt happy that he said it I didn’t want to scare him off. He wrote back ‘I love u too but I feel sad’ when I got home he told me that he was really lonely. I was scared to say the wrong thing that would in affect be advising him or scaring him off. I just ended up sitting next to him and he pulled me close. I want to be able to let him communicate things like this and know how to respond.. What do u suggest?

  140.  #140Rori Raye on May 2, 2009 at 11:07 am

    Ebony, great question – I’m jumping off into a post…Rori

  141.  #141Symantha on May 2, 2009 at 1:13 pm


    It’s amazing the syncronicity of your last post as it relates to the issue i’m going trought right now. I wrote to you few weeks ago about my fiancee not told his parents that we were engaged, you answered me back and that really helped me with my insecurities, now I feel trap with exclusivity, having a outrageous engagement ring and we are living together but he is struggling to set the wedding date and start the finance planning (savings) and every time the subject comes up in a way of he proposing to go in a 3 days trip and me saying sorry, I don’t want to do anything where we have to spend too much money and prevents us to save’ and afterwards a open conversation about the whole thing about getting married, he finnally tell me tha he feels scared, that he can se us together with kids, house, the hole package but that he fells insecure and worry to not to make a mistake (he is separated 2 yrs ago and just divorced). That makes me feel devastated and my seelfconfidence go along with his insecurities wich I can see everytime that he does something not aligned with the purpose of getting married in chrismast time 2009 (at least that was something we agreed when we got engaged 4 months ago).
    There’s another thing that looks is still coming up is about his ex-wife. They are friends and he told me she is feeling sick and he wants to visit her, they are keeping close contact by phone and that doesn’t help to the whole situation.
    The thing is I’m tired of having the heart to heart conversations about his insecurities and then something he does that triggers again the issue, like we agreed to start saving this month and he just tols me, can’t we start until next month? and I felt like ‘what???’ I want to change things and being him the one following trough about the wedding not me, I’ve told him since the engagement that I don’t want to feel that’s me the one that has to push the wedding troley.
    Please help, any ideas for a new approach??


  142.  #142Daria on May 2, 2009 at 1:40 pm

    Oh my gosh I feel so interested in Ebony’s question!!!

  143.  #143stina on May 4, 2009 at 4:12 pm

    Hi Rori,
    I was wondering if you can help me with the following: my long-term partner turned to me continuously for support with issues that troubled him. I was always there for him, and provided what I believed to be a safe and trusting environment. However, I feel that I have turned into a mother figure and that this has subconsciously filtered into the way he sees me, and our sex life has suffered..
    Any tips on how to reverse this?

  144.  #144Cindy on May 6, 2009 at 7:56 am

    Rori, I so need your help!!!!
    Hi TW, I didn’t realize the post was moved.
    I am totally messing things up with my boyfriend. I keep pushing him away and over the past week he seriously talked about ending things. Every time he doesn’t call or text me I make so much drama about it and he gets upset with me. I just can’t stop myself, can’t keep the N.V. from controlling my behavior, which I acknowledge is so irrational at times.
    Please help me from destroying my relationship with this man that I love so much.
    T.W. I feel just like you….desperate and needy, but I don’t keep these feelings to myself. I let them all out which is destroying everything. I think I need a real life person to talk to when these things happen, you know? So I leave my LI out of my needy desperate icky stuff.
    I am so hopeless right now.


  145.  #145Rori Raye on May 6, 2009 at 9:28 am

    Dear Stina, Welcome and thank you for your question. Believe it or not, men can “turn around on a dime.”

    If you’ve become like a mother in the relationship — forward leaning and masculine energy nurturing–the moment you stop doing that everything will change. First off, he will grumble. He will grumble big-time. He will not be happy that you’ve stopped doing all those things you’re doing for him. It’s really important that while he’s grumbling, you hang on to yourself.

    The more a woman who comes to me Overfunctions, the faster a relationship turns around. Use the basic tools, the ones from the e-book, and I know you get tremendous help here. Love, Rori

  146.  #146LostinLove on May 6, 2009 at 1:48 pm

    Rori, I have a question about how to handle my relationship to a man I am completely in love with but also work with. We have a wonderful relationship and have been together for over a year and off and on years before that. He loves me and I am actually very happy with all we do together. I have very few complaints except that recently I have felt him pulling away. I know that his personal life is changing, his daughter is having a baby and he is becoming a grandfather, despite being only in his mid-40s. But he talks about it and I can see he is making plans to participate in his grandson’s life. At the same time, I feel he has become less interested in our relationship. He says he likes things just the way they are, but we are spending less time together and the little company we’ve both invested so much time into building together…he seems not so interested in anymore. He just isn’t so excited about it anymore.

    My struggle is not that I can’t accept him this way and that he may be changing what he wants in life, but that because we had been so intensely active together building this company over the past year…I feel completely lost when he barely calls at all now and pulls away. He was so excited about our plans and we worked so hard—to the point that I got a part-time job so I could have the time needed to build our business—and all along he said this would pan out and he and I would transition to doing this full time together. So I’ve moved my life around according to that expectation, which is something I would love if happened. But now, it’s causing me great anxiety to not hear from him at all on a Tuesday or Thursday, when I have nothing else to do because I planned these days to work together. I don’t know what to do. I have no intention of leaving him, I love our time together, and working together gives us a great sense of happiness and bonding. But how do I cope with his sporatic interest in that when it affects my future? I feel stuck without my “own” life because not only does my personal relationship hinge on him, but also a part of my work and goals. I can’t pursue any other substantial career without having to give up our work altogether, but if I left working together it would hurt our relationship.

    I also feel like on some subtle level, even though he wanted it this way with us so closely bonded with work, it puts a very subtle pressure on our personal relationship, making it seem that I really have no “life” outside of him. I wait to hear from him about what he wants to do with the business. And I’m waiting for this all to pan out, so it makes it seem that I have nothing else! And I really don’t! Which doesn’t help him trust me, he starts thinking I love him because I NEED him, and I think I do…. The times I’ve tried to put my own initiative into our work together—like taking charge—it ironically seems to only push him further away and make him less interested in me and what we do together.

    We are not married, he doesn’t not want to be married, and although I don’t have any reason to believe he will leave me, I have this deep fear that he might just simply lose interest one day get very distant or meet someone else, and I will be alone. Marriage isn’t a safeguard against any of that, I know, but I feel like having his word and commitment would make not have to be ruminate constantly on whether I’m doing the right thing. I am worried this won’t last, and because my life is so tied to his in so many ways, I will have nothing if anything happens to him. How can I be brave and do something about all this that will bring us closer and not tear us apart?

  147.  #147TW on May 6, 2009 at 2:27 pm

    Hi Cindy-
    I am going to see a therapist to help me sort some things out. Have you ever thought about that?

  148.  #148Rori Raye on May 6, 2009 at 4:23 pm

    Dear Lostin love, Welcome and thank you for your wonderful comment and the powerful detail. And here’s my advice:


    You all are a classic example of a woman stuck in the Girlfriend Trap — Circular Dating will make all the difference for you.

    The women here will help you so much and I’d like to steer you also to my Targeting Mr. Right program… you can turn this around I know it. Love, Rori

  149.  #149Flipper on May 7, 2009 at 4:54 am

    Hi TW, Haven’t meant to ignore you, but I’ve not been on so much lately. I feel a therapist or a coach sounds like a good idea to try. And Cindy (it feels good to see you back), I feel like you’ve also hit on a good answer – having the regular support of a friend or therapist will be a tremendous boon. Even when things are going great with our guys and they are our best friend, they must not be expected to perform what only intimate women friends and/or professionals can do for us. And these fabulous men mustn’t be held responsible for or asked to ‘fix’ or tolerate what the lack of getting those kinds of needs filled appropriately cause in us.

    LostinLove – Hi
    I feel that you, too, have already hit on what needs to be tweaked in you life to get you back on track (which appears to be quite an accomplishment already and definitely worth preserving), i.e. having your Own life. For me, this would NOT mean working on the professional side where you’ve already invested so much personally as well as the rest. Giving up on that would feel like adding insult to injury, or throwing out the baby with the bath water!

    Look at Rori’s posts about circular dating and dating yourself, reading what all the Sirens have added – that’s where you’ll see your own doubts and questions being addressed. As you will see, the concept often feels scary, unacceptable, impracticable or even downright repulsive to some, AND it’s really the way to go. It’s the fastest and most effective way to get that precious Life of One’s Own and is fully adaptable to everyone’s tastes, needs, values and possibilities; making it Enjoyable is how it works. Seeing us feel good is how others know that their own happiness will be safe and can expand in our company.

  150.  #150Flipper on May 7, 2009 at 5:02 am

    ..And that’s what draws them to us. Once there, if we can also share our bad feelings, they will feel so safe and accepted, they’ll want to stay. Doing this in an effective way is simple but not necessarily easy at first, as there’s some undoing of old habits and attitudes and learning some new ones. Fortunately, the how-to’s and support are right here.

  151.  #151ebony on May 7, 2009 at 5:59 am

    Please don’t forget about my question from May 2nd 🙂

  152.  #152Cindy on May 7, 2009 at 9:55 am


    I started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago. I have sooo many issues going on right now. Issues with my divorce, my kids and R. I am going to tell my kids about R soon and possible introduce them soon after that. I really want to take the next step with him.
    He did call me last night after we argued that morning and was apologetic and very loving. I just know that sometimes I push his buttons with my negativity and neediness. I can drive the man crazy!

    Flipper –
    Thanks for the welcome back. I kept going onto the site and didn’t realize Rori moved the thread. duh. : )
    I am hopeful about things working out with R. I just need to learn to control my emotions and behavior at times. I am seeing a therapist to sort of my many issues.


  153.  #153susan on May 9, 2009 at 4:44 am

    Hi Rori,
    I have been struggling with quite a few things recently and have some questions for you:
    i) How do I communicate to a man that he said/did something that upset me, without getting into the “blame game” or sulking..?
    ii) My man wants to talk endlessly about his feelings and he over-analyzes everything.. sometimes I listen, sometimes I give my opinion, but I feel emotionally drained as a result. Yet, I want to be supportive…

    Please advise..

  154.  #154D on May 11, 2009 at 11:40 am

    Hi, Rori

    I have a question. How would you answer a guy that you have an interest in when he asks you “if you’re single”?



  155.  #155Jen-B on May 11, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    You are so right Rori…

    It’s been a long time since I post.

    I dunno why but I have been getting a lot of blame towards myself for the prev relationship… I shouldn’t be but I still am…. and I missed him a lot. Which I know I shouldn’t too. He makes me feel bad… and so I left. Why do I wanna go back????

    I am still trying to date… I dunno who to date… jus seems like no one to date. I have been so busy wif work and now that I have a break… I feel so sad… and worried… about work, about my love life. I so wish to be cared for and connect with someone. People around me are either attached, getting married or gay… I met my ex online and going there again just brings back terrible memories which I don’t even want to go. And I don’t want to have any chances of bumping into his profile again.

    down and sad.

  156.  #156LostinLove on May 11, 2009 at 2:06 pm

    Thank you Rori and Flipper for your responses. It means a lot. I have an update about our situation. I felt completely miserable last week about him pulling away, and we ended up in a fight about “why.” It’s always that. It almost felt that we were actualizing the tensions we’ve had between us for the past few weeks. Even though I wrote on here and I really did want to resolve this…for whatever reason, it just exploded. I am wondering, after working through these issues for so long now, if it’s not enough to just work on my own sense of “okayness” with what is going on. Once the bad “vibe” gets out there, it feels almost as if he picks up on it and holds it, too. It’s very strange, but I feel like I’m realizing now that, even when we don’t have an all-out “fight”, I need to reconcile the energies between us if I want things to change. I need to be brave enough to address the unspoken problem when I know he senses it too. Not in a way that makes him participate or try to solve it with me, but in a way that tells him I see it and am getting past it.

    Well, I didn’t do that and we ended up almost splitting up over the weekend and leaving everything we’ve worked on for so many years. I wanted to write and say, though, that for the very first time in this relationship, I feel I am REALLY learning to embody what Rori’s work is about. Something has shifted, and although that has happened before, I see so clearly all of a sudden why I have not been able to exact the “commitment” I’ve been looking for out of this relationship for so long. Because I never made a commitment to myself.

    After our reconciliation talk, in which we decided we’d give it another chance, something told me I’ve just been playing games all this time. That I haven’t been honest with MYSELF. That I’ve been compromising who I am because I want so desperately to just be with him.

    When I hung up the phone, I took out a sheet of paper and wrote down a list of PROMISES to MYSELF. A commitment to myself of the way it’s going to be from now on, regardless what happens in the relationship. That I Promise to respect him even when I disagree, that I Promise to not control him, know he can take care of himself and cares about me as much as he can; that I would stay in the present moment at all times with him (this really helped me in our phone conversation, ie, instead of talking about “the issue”, I asked him how he felt and told him how I was feeling and just stayed in the present until we could open up to each other and talk). I Promised that I would take care of my own life and happiness and not hinge this responsibility on him. I Promised to have FAITH in our relationship and to trust that what will happen will be the best (this is hard for me…I enjoy Rori’s site so much because it feels like I can control things! It’s so much easier than believing). And all of these things, I promised myself to do with INTEGRITY. To be TOTALLY honest with what I don’t want and what I feel, and to express that respectfully.

    When I first wrote this, I didn’t think about it, but after a day, I realized that these promises had nothing to do with a relationship. They are promises I am making to myself….they are BOUNDARIES. In the year that I have been following Rori and reading so many relationship advice texts, I have never until now been able to set my boundaries. Now I realize it’s all about being honest and true to yourself. Which is so hard when you aren’t focused on yourself!

    I am making for the first time a commitment, and what’s so great is that I can go back to this whenever I feel something might compromise me. I don’t need any other excuse but to tell ANYONE that I’ve made a promise to myself and have to say NO.

    Even though I really enjoy my relationship, I think this was at the hard of my struggle. I don’t know where it will take me, but I know it’s something I can hold on to no matter what happens. It’s something secure. Just wanted to share this!

  157.  #157Daria on May 11, 2009 at 2:31 pm

    Yay Lost In Love… or maybe now it should be Found in Love…

    That feels awesome… to have the security of knowing You.

  158.  #158Flipper on May 11, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    Beautiful, LostinLove – you go, girl, for you!
    Welcome back, Jen B – so sorry to hear about your sadness and confusion. Sounds like those Nasty Voices are getting the upper hand – remember to tell them you hear them (they’re only trying to protect you), but you know better now. It feels very discouraging to deprive yourself of the dating sites, because of a fear of someone who shouldn’t have any more control in your life. What if you tried writing down everything you imagine would happen and what you’d feel if you did ‘bump’ into Mr. party-pooper on there. Maybe once it’s out like that, it won’t feel so bad after all, or you’ll feel like you can handle it. Hugs.

  159.  #159Bubba on May 13, 2009 at 11:46 am

    I have been struggling with turning over my co-dependence of men I don’t know very well, though feel a huge pull toward them. I circular date many men although there are a few I have had the same experience with. I use the tools to turn my back and feel my feelings and still I feel pining when I don’t hear from them. Or longing to be with them. I try not to chase them but once a week I cannot help pinging them with some eml. Most all start off with one date, but I can never graduate to the second date. I hope I don’t remain the one date wonder. I don’t want to casually date forever.

    I believe I sabotage my own relationships by not being available or ready and it causes the disintegration of communication between the men and I. It just starts to get icky feeling. I am sure it is because of my beliefs about the abundance of the universe and I have a tainted outlook I am trying to change.

    Desperately seeking…

  160.  #160Rori Raye on May 13, 2009 at 6:39 pm

    Bubba, Welcome, and I totally get your distress. Circular Dating is not about “dating.” It’s not about the doing, or the numbers. It’s about USING all these encounters with men to grow yourself into the person you truly already are – LIVING and BREATHING instead of being all stuffed down with defenses – the woman that is the perfect partner for the man YOU want. You can learn to stop sabotaging yourself. You can beef up your beliefs just by accepting the ones you already have. This is a process, and the less you resist, the faster it goes. Good luck…Love, Rori

  161.  #161Barb on May 13, 2009 at 6:40 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I recently found some messages on my boyfriends cell that were between him and anther women. when I confronted him he told me that it was just a friend, a woman from work.

    I aske him what they do together and he said that they go for walks, hang out at the bar with a group of people from work and have dinner together.

    He said that he didn’t tell me about her because he knew that I would be jealous.He said that its my issue to deal with.

    Also his reaction when I confronted him with this was a lot of fidgeting and he looked like he was a kid that just got caught lying.

    This is also a long distance relationship and we only see each other every two or there weeks.

    I think that he lied and maybe hasn’t slept with this women but is doing something.

    We agreed that it wasn’t acceptableto hang our with friends of the opposite sex and now all of a sudden his tune has changed.

    He says I need to trust him and if I can’t then the realtionship is over.

    Am I crazy to even think about staying in the relationship, could he be tellingthe truth and what is acceptable for friends of the opposite sex!!

    If he hadn’t kept it a secret it wouldnm’t have been so bad, but he did hide it and if I hadn’t gone into his ceel phone, I never would have known.

    I really love him but I don’t want to make a mistake if I am wrong!!


  162.  #162LostinLove on May 14, 2009 at 10:04 am

    I wanted to share a tool I’ve been using for the past couple of days that has helped me through this rough spot in my relationship. The idea was my friend’s, after we had talked about my struggle recently, and I modified it to really mean something to me.

    My friend is going through a difficult divorce to her husband for 7 years after he confessed he is actually gay. She said that what helped her to “see” that there was a future out there with other men was to think about a male movie star she could possibly fall in love with and play out in her head what the whole relationship would be like, from first meeting to becoming a team. It took her a few times to get the visualization right with the right actor, but it made her realize she could create a relationship that would fulfill her happiness.

    She recommended I do this to stay focused on the happiest relationship possible for me. She asked me who i’d pick as my movie star, I said I don’t really know…but how strange that a part Tommy Lee Jones popped into my head and I blurted it out! There is just something about his strength that I liked when he played the US Marshall in “The Fugitive.” I told her, though, that I could never actually see myself being Tommy Lee Jones’ girlfriend. That I don’t think I’m the kind of woman he would want….

    For whatever reason, I didn’t want to visualize a relationship with this character….I’m not great at playing out so much in my head, but I did think to myself, “Okay, what if, right now, I really WAS Tommy Lee Jone’s girlfriend?” You know what? I actually started walking differently. I told myself that I had the complete support of this very strong man, and no one else had to really know but me. I was the only one that knew I was TLJ’s girl…but I knew! And it totally made me feel wonderful!! I felt like the woman he would be with, I felt like the woman I wanted to be, because TLJ embodies all those virtues I want in a man, and I am his. And it doesn’t matter if other people know or not, in fact, it was mine to know only.

    I went out to buy a sandwich at work yesterday, and I felt this support with me, of this man that I belonged to and a man that was so strong and steady, he couldn’t let me down. And I really felt different. I felt STRONG, I knew this was the way his girlfriend would be.

    Walking home from the sandwich shop, I could look at men, or anyone, because I just felt this strength knowing I had the support of this amazing man. In a very similar way, I really do feel great on the days that I feel supported by the man I am really with. I feel like I could take on the world, I am so happy and confident when I KNOW he loves me. It was the same feeling–except it was even better, because I also felt like the woman I wanted to be in the fullest sense.

    I realized walking by some people on the street yesterday, that…this feeling of support, this “man” who supported me…is maybe actually ME. This is my inner masculine core–but the only way I trusted it was to pretend it was another man! And it does work! For whatever reason it’s very hard for me to tell “myself” things, but I feel strengthened by other’s validation. Yesterday I visualized this Tommy Lee Jones character sitting on my sofa and telling me what he loved about me….and all of a sudden, I could really embody it!

    This has worked for days for me, and I’m wondering if this would work for some of you as well. You can pick the man you want. And by doing so, he molds you into the woman you want to be. I am seeing my real man today, and I am going to try–although with him I always revert back to getting inside his head–I am really going to try to embrace this visualization while I’m present with him and see what happens.

  163.  #163Cindy on May 14, 2009 at 10:27 am

    Anyone who is out there, I am not having a good day and feel very anxious about my LI. We were out to dinner last night and talking about summer plans. I mentioned my office happy hours and that I hope he will meet me after work. He jokingly said that I will meet guys who will want my number before he gets there. I said that he NEVER has to worry about that. So he replied that I shouldn’t say “NEVER”. Maybe I am overthinking this, but what is that about???? IS he just leaving the door open for himself to get numbers when he’s out with his buddies? ? I am so committed to this man, but I am so confused by his statement.


  164.  #164LostinLove on May 14, 2009 at 10:46 am

    Cindy, I know how you feel. My man used to do this all the time, pretending that I’ll find someone else when he knows there is no one else in the world I love more than him. What works for me has always been to go along with it and say he’s right but in a joking way back. He won’t be offended if you really mean it as a joke, too. What hurts, I know, is that he would even say something like that. I know exactly how you feel. But it has nothing to do with him getting someone else’s number. Men are not “vengeful” like that, we’re the ones who think like that because we use emotions to affect our reality. Men don’t, at least not masculine men that I’ve seen. In reality, if he would get numbers just because you are also getting other phone numbers, then you’ve actually got him. It would be a compliment. If he, as a man, were serious and didn’t care about you, he wouldn’t say anything. Because he wouldn’t care what you thought about it. The best way to use this situation to better your relationship is to mirror his humor and realize he’s saying it because he cares.

  165.  #165Cindy on May 14, 2009 at 10:50 am


    Thanks for responding. I feel so awful right now. I took it to mean that I shouldn’t say NEVER because HE can’t be THAT committed to ME….to say there’s no one else and he wouldn’t get anyone’s number even though his buddies try to coax him to do it.
    You don’t think that’s accurate? Am I just twisting his words and listening to my nasty voice?


  166.  #166LostinLove on May 14, 2009 at 11:03 am

    I see what you mean. No, I don’t think that’s what he meant. I think he’s just being literal. John Gray, the famous “Men are from Mars” author (while I really don’t prescribe to his stuff, Rori is MUCH more right on about femininity), does make a good point in his books that according to a study, men think much more literally and what’s weird is that they do pick up when we say things that aren’t literally accurate. I’ve also seen this with the guys I work with. They’ll correct one word I’m using because it isn’t totally accurate. The word “NEVER” is definitely emotionally charged…because in reality, nothing is always or never. John Gray points out that men, for example, really do pick up when we use the world “Could” instead of “Would” when we ask them for help. He has a great study in one of his books that lists comments from a dozen or more men in what comes into their brain when their wife says “Could you take out the trash?” versus “Would you take out the trash?” You would not believe that guys listen to every word we say!

    I think in this case he’s just being a guy and trying to debate you. Seriously, it could just be an instinctive response. Still, you feel like something may be wrong, and if you feel so aweful….you might want to ask youself what has happened recently that would make you take his joking so much to heart. There is something deeper there that you feel. What is it?

  167.  #167LostinLove on May 14, 2009 at 11:09 am

    Another thing, Cindy. I I think about my father, who has been married to my mother for 32+ years…my father is a devoted man. It’s not something he needs to say. He would probably though, be just like your boyfriend. He would not want to FEEL anything is “Never” or “Always” because it creates a sense of no freedom. My father would never say “Bernice (my mom), I will NEVER leave you.” If he did, he’d be a very feminine energy man and my mom would likely be turned off. It sounds like you have a solid masculine guy that isn’t going to be a woman. It is very hard for us to accept the masculine in our men, but I do believe that within that, as Rori says, lies a very very deep loyalty when we tap it. It just might not be communicated to us the way we would communicate it. Men are very emotional, I’ve found, much more than us. They would never be on a blog like this spilling their feelings. They are extremely emotional. I think everything is okay with what he said.

  168.  #168Cindy on May 14, 2009 at 11:17 am


    Thank you so much for your input and making me feel more at ease. Unfortunately, I have made this an issue today via texts which he hates more than anything. I asked him if he meant something more like he isn’t as committed to me. I didn’t want to start an argument, I just want to talk about it. He is the type that shuts me out when I start overthinking or questioning our relationship.
    I think it’s on my mind because he has a lot of friends who love going out with him because of how he attracts the opposite sex and they try to get him to go along with the flirting and take numbers from girsl. He has told me this himself. He has also told me he only wants me and will never be like his friends. But it still makes me uncomfortable.
    Not to mention, he just bought an extremely cool motorcycle which is a total chic magnet & I am 9 yrs older than him. So I feel that young girls will be after him.
    Add all these things together and I admit I am insecure. So when he says something that makes me think my nasty voice takes over.


  169.  #169LostinLove on May 14, 2009 at 11:44 am

    Awe Cindy! I know EXACTLY how you feel. I’m in an “upswing” right now in my relationship, but I am always reverting to this, too, wanting to talk about what’s wrong between us. It’s become so bad that I am often afriad to even say what I feel and end up stuffing it in for days and then it blows up anyway.

    I have struggled for a year with “What do I do? If I tell him how I feel about the relationship, it makes me look weak and needy. If I don’t tell him, it creates just this bad vibe between us because I can’t let it go. I am screwed!” I REALLY do feel this way. I have tried feeling messages…and I’m sure it works if you’re in the right head space when you use them–but I NEVER am. Usually, with me, the conversation will start out fine, but ends up TERRIBLY. And he gets angry and upset, and shuts me out! We have like the same man! He will just shut down and stop talking, and I know he feels offended by my lack of trust. So it doesn’t help at all. And then it will take days to feel good again and I’ll end up calling or texting because I know how he feels. And maybe that’s wrong, but I also know deep down that the reason I communicate first is because I was wrong. And that’s okay; the less I beat myself up for being wrong and then just say, “okay, let’s do this again” the faster it goes back.

    What has worked in the past is to be 1) very BRIEF with what I feel, and then to ask him 2) what he thinks. This is what Rori teaches, and it really works. BUT you have to be in the right headspace. You really have to be okay regardless what he says, meaning, you have to work out all these feeling in yourself FIRST, BEFORE you talk. You have to be OK already, even before you deal with him. Your communication with him is only to strengthen the relationship, but he’s not really there to cure our insecurities. I never really deal with my feeling first. I always want HIM to make it better. But he rarely does. He will sometimes. BUT, he will ALWAYS, I’ve found, “be there” when I use our communication to strengthen our understanding of each other. He always responds well when I express my feelings to really communicate instead of validate. He will always try to solve the problem, when the problem is something real and not in my head.

    I ask myself, “Am I REALLY committed to him? Am I committed enough to our relationship that I will do this right, deal with my feelings and use communication to build a space between us?” Sadly…what I find is that the reason I KNOW all this works and DON’T do it all the time is because I am not sure really he can give me what I want….I’m not 100% happy with how we are together right now. So I don’t have the commitment I need to do it.

    Then I have to ask myself, what do I want? And until I know, what CAN I commit to him? These promises I make I KNOW I can keep…and this has really helped me recently when I want to spiral down all over again.

    I, too, am with a man who is extremely sexy and women are always chasing after him. He also has a motorcycle 🙂 and like any man, he really does enjoy women. But there is a bond between us and I know that as long as I WANT it, it will always be there.

    One thing though to remember, and my best friend has been invaluable in helping me see this, is that we are completely okay to have ups and downs. There is nothing wrong with us, there’s nothing wrong with him. It is really hard to trust him or the relationship when you feel insecure…I know…..

  170.  #170Cindy on May 14, 2009 at 11:52 am

    Hi again LostinLove-
    Wow, we do sound very similar in our actions and relationships. Something my LI does that really hurts is talk about ending it when I somehow upset him by questioning him or our relationship. He will just say he can’t deal with it, it’s too much work, etc and maybe we shouldnt’ be together. Last week he texted me “I’m done”. That broke my heart into pieces. He refuses to talk many times and will just ignore my calls or texts. He has no idea how much it hurts. He says when he’s not ready to talk, he simply won’t talk. He also says that he doesn’t really want to break up, he just needs space at that time.
    This makes me so afraid to say anything or express my feelings. But I don’t want to be more committed or more invested than he is, so I will ask him questions when something happens to put doubt in my mind.
    All he tells me is to be positive about us…& be confident. But how the hell can I be that way when he “breaks up” with me every time something annoys him??
    He is asking for the impossible.
    Get this, last night he said something else that confused me..that he doesn’t think he could ever love anyone as much as he loved his dog (who is now dead). How is THAT supposed to make me feel?


  171.  #171LostinLove on May 14, 2009 at 12:00 pm

    Cindy, about the text messages…do not worry about screwing it up! It is not over until you actually let it go. So your boyfriend is right! Nothing is “never.” Just like Rori says, you can always turn it around.

    I have done this before with texting or calling multiple times to hash some issue out. Depending on what happened, I might apologize–but it works much better to just in your next communication or encounter, stay in the PRESENT with him. Talking about the issue or even apologizing goes back to the past and that usually has the effect of strengthening the negative of what happened. Staying in the present is the only way to resolve bad stuff. It automatically restores the trust between you without having to “talk” about it. That’s what the level 2 listening is all about, it makes you stay present. And staying present is so good because nothing bad has happened in the present, only in the past. Don’t go back. Stay with him right there, realize what is actually going on right NOW.

    So don’t worry about your texts AT ALL. Just forget them, they are gone, they don’t exist anymore.

  172.  #172Cindy on May 14, 2009 at 12:09 pm

    Thanks LostinLove
    Its very hard for me to wait until he’s ready to talk things over and resolve things. Like with today’s texts, it would have been simple for him to say that he didn’t mean anything by it and I have nothing at all to worry about regarding him picking up women or getting numbers when he goes out. He always tells me I need too much reassurance all the time. But it’s usually because of something he has said or done. When he is in a bad mood, because of either an argument we had or something else going on in his life…he is a phantom and can disappear for a day or two with no contact. I seem to panic when this happens and try so hard to make contact with him that it just makes things worse.
    I have to try to remember my value in this relationship and if he loves me the way he says he does, he doesn’t want to lose me either.
    I texted him last at 1:00 and it is now 3:08. Not sure if i will hear from him today at all.


  173.  #173LostinLove on May 14, 2009 at 12:12 pm

    OMG CINDY! This is EXACTLY what happened to me last week, and why I wrote on this blog. He said the EXACT same thing, that he was tired of dealing with my stuff and our relationship was too much of a stress and he was done! I felt…well, I cried for half the day. I called him the next day, and everything is “back to normal.”

    He does the same thing, he wants our relationship to be PERFECT, and relationships aren’t. In fact, I believe, it’s getting through tough times together that MAKES a relationship. But he wants to never have any arguments. It feels like we’re done each and every time we even get in a stupid fight!

    I don’t know your past with him, I’m curious, but with my man, we’ve broken up about 4 times in the past, and I wonder if this has something to do with our “flight” pattern. I can’t speak for him, but I have this fear that he will just leave me. So I end up just feeling really insecure, because it’s so hard to TRUST when the relationship feels so fragile.

    On the other hand, when we have a strong sense of trust between us, everything is GREAT. You’re not going to believe this, but he has a German Shephard that he say is the only thing that he loves and that loves him, too!

    What I just recently discovered after this last fight we had, was we are very different people–not that I can’t love him and be with him. But he is always present, he is just a man that for whatever reason (could be mental makeup even), his brain doesn’t work like mine. And he may never “feel” what I “feel”. He wants to live in the present ALL THE TIME. He also tells me he likes things just the way they are and just wants me to be happy. And when I can, things are great…but the depth isn’t there! And I want that! And I am always trying to get it out of him….I’m learning that I have to be VERY STRONG to be with this man, and somehow let myself be vulnerable, too. My problem is that I go back and forth wondering if it’s worth it because i’m so afraid he may leave me. I want to be in a space where I can love him and be okay with whatever happens.

  174.  #174Cindy on May 14, 2009 at 12:21 pm


    We never actually broke up in the 9 months we’ve been together. Right before Christmas I thought it was over because he refused to talk to me for 3 days. I was so heartbroken.
    I can’t say the depth isn’t there…but it seems to come and go for him. We have amazing chemistry and love for one another..we respect and admire each other. However, we butt heads an awful lot.
    I feel the same way, I have to be very strong yet somehow stay vulnerable. How is the question?
    He is very independent, runs his own business and many times doesn’t have time to even talk or text during the day. This makes me feel rejected and ignored…& not appreciated or loved.
    When I react to what I feel is an aloof, uncaring, cold attitude, it causes arguments and he wants even more space from me. So basically it’s what they call a vicious cycle.
    Last week he was nasty to me because he has a lot going on and a lot of stress and I pushed his buttons by being oversensitive to him being out of touch with me. He did end up apologizing to me and I felt our relationship was stronger.
    Now this…only a minor thing that I wanted to get off my chest and I have no idea how badly things might blow up in my face.


  175.  #175LostinLove on May 14, 2009 at 12:22 pm

    He does NOT want to lose you, that is for sure. He also knows that you love him. And I know he loves you.

    My man does the same thing to me. He will not call or write for days when we’ve been in an argument. Once he said, “This is a stupid thing we do, waitng for the other person to blink.” And guess what? I always blink first. I just do, because I’m not ready to REALLY let him go, even though…this may be the only way it would really work between us and he would trust me. And the only way for me to be that truly strong woman he needs. I’m trying. I need to really focus on myself first. I would be leaving a piece of myself behind if I wasn’t truly ready.

    I don’t think it would be wrong for you to call him or initiate. You have to trust your own intuition. I get advice all over the place about what I’m going through, and when I trust my own instincts, it works much better than what other people tell me. Only you know what you need in the moment. And for whatever reason, you need to go through the situation exactly the way you are.

  176.  #176LostinLove on May 14, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    I haven’t seen this mentioned on this site, but i’ve been reading all the blogs here and what I see consistently, and what’s happened to me, is just the same, is that afeter 9 months or so like you (it’s been about a year for me), we feel very insecure about our relationships. I have felt him pulling away…just emotionally. Or at least that is how I feel.

    And I can tell you, I’ve tried leaning back. It doesn’t make the relationship go back to what it was. I am wondering…if we think that the relationship should be the same as it was in the beginning and it just isn’t. That we have to “let go” of that phase we loved and move into a new one of even more trust. But we don’t have the tools to do that.

    I want to ask you something: are you comfortable asking your man to do things for you when you need it? Like if you needed him to drive you somewhere, you could call and ask him? And even if he said no, you’d be okay? And do you feel okay actually calling and asking him to do things for you even when it might put him out?

    I am wondering about this concept I read in John Gray’s books (again, i really don’t like the “im okay, your okay” stance he takes, especially with feminine people, but he has a few interesting ideas). He said that men need to feel NEEDED. They don’t want you to be “needy”, meaning you need them to help you feel good about yourself, but they actually get more bonded to you when you ask them to do things for you. This makes so much sense, when you look at all the blogs about the man going back to the ex when she’s sick and “needs” him. All of a sudden, he has a purpose.

    The book said our biggest problem is ASKING for something even knowing that his answer will be NO and being okay with that. Is this the next level of relationship I’m missing? To really trust him?

  177.  #177Cindy on May 14, 2009 at 12:36 pm

    I am exactly the same way…I always “blink” first. He says it’s not a matter of who contacts who, but that he needs time and space and then will deal with things when he is ready. But he has no idea how it feels to be shut out because i never do it to him. It causes me so much anxiety and I feel like I need to do something to make it go away…the only thing that will help is making things right with him. Then I feel like a building was lifted off my shoulders.
    Sometimes I wish I’d just throw my cell phone off of a cliff so I never have the temptation of sending that negative, needy text that only serves to push him further away and make my anxiety greater.


  178.  #178LostinLove on May 14, 2009 at 12:42 pm


    Can you make a promise–and he doesn’t need to know about it–can you make a promise to YOURSELF, that you will not send another needy text? Can you write this down, look at it every morning, and tell yourself, “I’m doing this because I am promising myself, and I know I can do it”? Realize that right now, you are very CLEAR that this is a commitment you should make. So you can trust that this is RIGHT. And when you feel like doing it, you can have faith in what you wrote, because when you wrote it, you were in a clear frame of mind.

    Do you think you can do it?

  179.  #179Cindy on May 14, 2009 at 12:52 pm

    It seems we’ve had the same issues all along. Our relationship hasn’t become stale or anything…just the opposite. I feel like our attraction/chemistry/love/desire to be together just keeps getting stronger. But when he becomes distant I question EVERYTHING

  180.  #180Cindy on May 14, 2009 at 12:55 pm

    Oops…didn’t mean to end it there….
    Anyway, when I question him and don’t have as he says: trust, faith and confidence…he gets very upset with me and we argue. But when your boyfriend acts like a phantom and doesn’t pick up your calls or respond to your can you have trust, faith & confidence?
    If I needed something from him, he most likely wouldn’t be available. He is always tied up with work or family matters. So I never really ask him for anything.
    As far as controlling my negative texts, I have tried but never really succeeded. I would love to gain control of it because I am sure it would avoid a lot of the problems that we have.


  181.  #181LostinLove on May 14, 2009 at 1:01 pm

    That is GREAT! So it is evolving, and I really believe it’s going to be what you want as you grow to trust him for who he is.

    So we know that you have an issue with questioning his distance. And we know that you tend to materialize your thoughts (which, really, that’s all they are) by taking action that hurts the relationship, and hurts and angers him.

    So what if we took off the plate just ONE simple thing at a time that you could stop doing. We know that you text him when you feel bad. Texting is already a really poor communication method because it isn’t real (I’ve been with my man for 4 years actually, only in the last year have we actually survived without a break up–and I can tell you, one of our big things was writing each other and misunderstanding the TONE in each other’s emails and texts).

    What if you could commit to yourself that when you feel insecure, you will NOT text him. You are going to promise yourself you won’t text him these kinds of messages anymore. You can call, you can talk…but you’re not going to text or email these things anymore. You can STILL get this off your chest and resolve things or try to talk about them…you just can’t text anymore. I have a feeling this is the very first step, to take baby steps, in your feelings, and to show yourself that you can trust yourself.

    I am actually excited…for some reason I have this really good vibe about your relationship. In the four years we have been together, I feel just the same. That our bond has grown so much stronger. But this IS a difficult process. I can tell you are already feeling better about this–and you’re right. Your love is incredibly strong for this man and it will see you through!

    I’m off to work–but i’ll check in this evening!

  182.  #182Cindy on May 14, 2009 at 1:07 pm

    Thank you for your words of encouragement. It’s a difficult situation because he really doesn’t like to talk during the day either. He is in construction and not able to pick up his phone or really deal with any deep conversations during work. So things get put off until late at night or the next day which causes me so much stress. That’s why I will shoot out a text at times, just to get that little bit of reassurance from him that he’s not angry and things are ok. Sometimes he responds, sometimes he doesn’t.
    I really could use support in trying to change my actions and have been seeing a therapist also. One of my problems is having an active imagination and a tendency to think negative thoughts.
    I will be MIA until Monday, since I don’t check this site unless I am at work. I’d love to continue our conversation and compare notes! Talk to you soon.


  183.  #183TW on May 14, 2009 at 2:31 pm

    You are so right about texting and e mailing. That is truly a bad way to communicate because that is where 90% of misunderstandings come from. Trust me I know.

  184.  #184Daria on May 14, 2009 at 3:39 pm

    I used to feel like this when I was upset… I would really want to get in contact with him because that would make me feel better, hearing his voice, even if things didn’t get resolved.

    The First step I took with Rori’s tools and that was the most difficult for me was to step back and Not Contact when I felt upset.

    I had to REALLY hold myself back.

    After doing this about 3 times I realized that I had the strength to BE with my anxious feelings and did not really NEED the reassurance from HIM.

    It continued being diffcult sometimes when I got triggered (I just got triggered 2 days ago), but it has been less and less difficult.

    This makes me feel like I’m a much stronger, wiser woman. It makes me feel not needy.

    And that feels really important to me, to make myself feel good about myself.

    Most men called me when I stepped back. (It usually took just a teeensy tad longer than I wanted to wait). And I was feeling much stronger and calmer when they did call.

    I felt so much better about not calling when I realized that when I DID call in the past, he might be upset or basically I wouldn’t get the resolution I wanted. When I stepped back, it was much more likely that he would come to me and actually try to make me feel better. I really noticed the difference so this is how I chose what to do in the future, and for me it was not calling.

    I suggest trying it 3 times… and seeing how your man responds when he calls you.

  185.  #185LostinLove on May 14, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    Cindy–yes, please keep me posted. I want to support you in any way I can. I know what it is to be in love and committed to a man. And how hard it is to keep your faith in a relationship even when he does let you down. And he will, because he is not perfect.

    Daria’s advice is really sound I think about contacting him.

    I am definitely a future thinker myself, and so I want to propose that when any of you lovely ladies has an issue and really wants to contact your guy, let’s write it out here and visualize a few different scenarios so we can really see the results we WANT.

    I did that today. My guy didn’t call like he usually does after leaving him a message, and because of what’s happened recently, I started to really FEEL my heart racing. And all this anxiety just overwhelmed me, I started thinking all kinds of things about WHY. I wanted to call AGAIN. What if he doesn’t call? He is pulling away! He’s trying to ignore me! And so what I did today….I did NOTHING. I thought of the world “Silence” and just kept my thoughts silent. Instead, I took out a sheet of paper and drew 3 scenarios up, me calling tonight (one of my thoughts), me calling tomorrow (my second thought), and me NOT calling for a week at least (a whole WEEK!) and guess what? If you can visualize out enough into the future the results of each of these, you’ll see that not calling at all is what will lead to that TRUST you need. Because he WILL call, and when he does, you will not have pressured him to do it. HE will be in a space you can finally TRUST, because you LET HIM be there. Then, you just have to decide what you will do when he does, and this question you answer by asking yourseslf what you really WANT. If you want the relationship, he’s giving you the chance. Don’t push him away when he calls unless you don’t want him. You have to be REALLY careful about pushing him away because you haven’t resolved your issue and want to punish him or hang on to the past because it HURT you. You have to remember that nothing he does changes WHO YOU ARE.

  186.  #186Wyndee on May 15, 2009 at 8:03 am

    Are you engaged or exclusive? I think Rori would advise you to Circular Date. It sounds to me like you are spending way too much time obsessing and dissecting the behavior of this man instead of just enjoying him and your time together. Men and relationships are to bring joy to our lives but we girls spend so much time thinking, obsessing, and going over and over in our brains “he said this!/what did he mean?!/what is he thinking?!?” that we miss out on the enjoyment of being together. 😉

    Believe me I have done (and still do) the same thing, and have to work on myself and discipline myself A LOT to stop overthinking and just Be. One thing that helps me get back my serenity and stay in the present moment is when I feel myself start those round and round go-nowhere thoughts I sing a song in my head. For example when I am feeling anxious and I want to get my calm back I run a pretty song (I usually use ‘ode to my family’ by the cranberries) through my head over and over and before I know it I have a smile on my face and I am half humming-singling it quietly out loud.

    This sounds silly but to be in an instant good/goofy mood just run the song ‘My Milkshake’ though your head–I dare you not to grin when you are silently singing ‘my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard…etc’ in your head over and over, lol! 😉

    (This reminds me whenever I do Rori’s Leanback tool I run it though my head to the tune of the Fat Joe song “Do the rock-a-way, now lean back, lean back, lean back” lol)

    To enjoy your life it is SO important to be in the present moment! Whether you are stuck at work, doing laundry or out with your man, no matter what, that is the moment you have. The past is gone forever and the future is uncertain; the only thing you have is THIS moment.

    Please remember your life is yours to live and enjoy. Let the man be the one to work to get your attention and love for the simple reason that we ALL value what we have to put in an effort for. Spend the energy you now spend thinking towards authentically filling up your life with things that make you happy. That way when your guy disappears for a time you don’t worry about it/what he’s thinking/who’s going to blink first and all the other round and round thoughts because you are genuinely out enjoying your life! 🙂

  187.  #187Kismet on May 15, 2009 at 10:27 am

    Hi Rori!
    First of all let me tell you that you’ve made a world of difference for me in my latest relationship, and I’m positive relationships of the future…and I’ve just scratched the surface of what you have to offer. Thank you!

    Ok, so here’s my story (and question)…

    My 15-month relationship just ended days ago. He had been living with me after he sold his house and recently had moved out “to take care of some stuff he was dealing with within himself” without making things worse between the two of us. Since moving out, he’s decided that HE can’t do all the things he wants to with his career while he’s still “needing to be with me” and decided that we should split because he doesn’t want to make me miserable or keep me in tow while he’s figuring stuff out for himself.

    Well, I’m working on coming to terms with this. Which, at first was VERY difficult. We had been through many things together in those 15-months that some people don’t experience in an entire marriage — Baby in the hospital, a possible future-changing operation, a parent suicide, divorce, custody and child well-being battles, addiction, infidelity, unemployment…the list goes on. So, yes, I thought we could make it through anything.

    I’m working on the idea that it’s not about US making it through anything…it’s about ME making it through anything. What he makes it through is his deal. He has a lot of issues that he needs to get through, and I am not his therapist. I can only support him until it doesn’t feel good to me anymore. And that goes for any relationship I’m in, or will be in.

    I’m working on distancing myself from there mere thought of a future with him, and trying to pour all that energy into me, and figuring out the stuff that I need to work on.

    That being said, my question is…
    He still has things in my home that he didn’t get when he moved out. I don’t want to contact him to ask him what he want to do about it. I don’t want to take these things to him. I don’t want to see him. I don’t want them here to be a tempting excuse for either one of us to use to see each other. I don’t have the money to send them to him, nor would I know where to send them. I’m not going to burn them or give them to someone else, they are his things. The only other thing I can come up with is to contact his father and have him come get them. However, I don’t want to bother his father with it either, it’s not his problem (I live about an hour from him). What should I do?

    Thanks so much for all of your help and advice.


    P.S. If you have any other advice about the relationship, how to deal with him and/or the situation, please don’t hesitate. It’s still REALLY raw for me.

  188.  #188Rori Raye on May 15, 2009 at 2:08 pm

    Dear Kismet, Welcome and thank you for your story – and I’m so sorry you have to deal with this – and yet you sound wonderful, strong – and are definitely doing the best things for yourself and your future love life. I would put everything in a box and store it wherever you can – garage, closet, wherever. He will contact you. Is the baby yours together? If so – you will be seeing him. If not – I know he will be contacting you. You don’t say if he still has a key to the place. Don’t let the logistics of this get in your way of healing. In a week or two, it will all get clearer and take care of itself. Use only feeling messages to help yourself. Ask him what he wants to do with his stuff, and let him figure it out in a way that works for you. Love, Rori

  189.  #189Sunnygirl on May 16, 2009 at 11:38 am

    Rory I have been using your programs for a while now and doing the circular dating, it seems to be going okay. That said…I’m still not over my ex, it’s been 9 months since he broke things off in an email no less. It was a long distance relationship, he lived in the next state but we did spend every weekend together. From the beginning he pursued me relentlessly doing all the work, texting, emailing, calling, and at about the 3 month mark said he wanted to marry to me. He was the most sensitive, romantic person I’d ever met, and we got along like absolute soul mates, physically we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I developed a great relationship with his son who was a teenager. He became depressed about the last month of the relationship feeling overwhelmed by money problems, and redoing his home. While at a concert his ex came up to us and was making a play to get him back right in front of me. He completely blew her off and apologized to me for her bad behavior. About three weeks later he informed me by email that he was having coffee with her to “give her closure” and that he needed time for himself saying he had no intention of going back to her ever, as she was a “nutcase”. Well as you can guess he did go back with her but conveniently neglected to let me know. Truth be told there were mistakes I made by not opening up to him as you have taught with feeling messages often doing the rules so well he perceived me as being cold when he poured his heart out to me constantly. I know this now, but I was loving as well, just not as much as he wanted I suppose. Interestingly it was his son who let me know he was back with her, he told me this via email when he wanted to know why I wasn’t in their lives anymore and that he couldn’t stand “her”. Apparently my ex put the breakup on my shoulders in his son’s eyes, and as of now I have no idea if he’s even still with her? He may or may not be.
    My questions are

    1. How is it possible for a man to totally cut off from someone he was so in live with for a year as if it never happened?

    2. how is it that his ex got him back by doing all the things you say are the worst things to do (throwing herself at his feet like a desperate tramp, and while with him is bossy, and emasculating at the same time? I know this for a fact.

    3. I feel like I will never really be over him unless I find again that intense, amazing love of a lifetime feeling with another man. I’m in my early forties, however I look like 27 and all the men that I see my age or even in their thirties have NO physical or emotional appeal to me, they are all going bald, dress dumpy, and unexciting, and are over weight, on top of which they are arrogant and think women should fall at their feet simply because they are males with a pulse. I guess there are a lot of women with very low standards who feel desperate just to have a man and sadly ruin it for the rest of us who are not. I know that may sound shallow but it’s how I feel.

    Any suggestions???

  190.  #190Rori Raye on May 16, 2009 at 1:13 pm

    Sunny Girl, Welcome – and so sorry you’ve had to deal with this – and here’s my take:
    Some of us are attracted to “toxic” people. Your man is ATTRACTED to women like his ex. Bossy, infuriating, emasculating, nasty, mean, needy – “crazy” women.
    MatchMatrix (who I like very much) would call this a “false attraction.” Meaning – his mother was like this. And although he knows with his BRAIN that this is not the kind of woman he wants, and he knows with his BRAIN that YOU are the kind of woman he wants – his entire energetic self keep INSISTING that he be attracted to the crazy woman like his mother.

    What we’re working to do here is end this kind of thing for OURSELVES – where we’re attracted to men who aren’t good for us – just because, energetically, they’re like our fathers. (It might not even be recognizable behavior – your father may be NOTHING like a toxic man you’re attracted to – it’s a deeper pattern of energy that’s harder to see and feel – except that it feels BAD to you, which is why your feelings are your clues.)

    The way to be a “crazy” woman to a man like this is to pick up on the level of “divaness” and “Power” this kind of woman is holding. Even if he thinks he’s DISGUSTED by her – he may still be fatally attracted. This means standing up for yourself and having boundaries, instead of being “understanding.” An “understanding,” “nice” woman is the last thing a man like this wants. And – if you LIKE your niceness – you’ll want to WALK AWAY from a man who’s looking for a “mean” woman.

    See if you can find the part of you who thinks you’re “all that.” Let THAT part out, as well as the “good woman” you are, too.

    You are well rid of this man for now, though I know it doesn’t seem like it. And – you will hear from him. Be sure to let us know when that happens, so we can help. Love, Rori

  191.  #191Cynthia on May 16, 2009 at 2:38 pm

    Whoa! I can totally relate to Sunny Girl, and find her questions so provocative having recently been left by the “love of my life”, who is already screwing around…ouch. I lost my ‘edge’ at the end, basically putting down the oars, and stopped complaining about him not picking them up… I only returned phone calls when he asked to call back, and quite intentionally expanded my own world in ways that were all about me. The result, he quickly made an exit, since I was no longer all about him, (instead of the him waking up! this is after a year of me holding space for all his life issues) I really like the whole Diva thing you are talking about Rori, and I really appreciate being able to hold the various aspects of my lover that may not always be ‘perfect’ (which translates to me as being understanding). It’s the balance between the two that I’m wondering about, because I do have certain needs, and i don’t want to be a bitch about them. Plus, I am attracted to a more interesting creative and successful man, which usually carries with it a bigger ego.. the idea of being attracted to a ‘nice guy’ makes me sick to my stomach! I’m open to circular dating but nothing is happening!!! I’m lucky to be very attractive, and I feel pretty good inside, and am not making an ‘effort’ to attract, I simply am radiating me….still nothing! I would even go out with the ‘nice guy’ just for the fun of it. What might I be missing? Your programs sound so fool proof!
    Also, why does everyone always say they will be back? I feel like this creates a false sense of hope even when we are really trying to move on, of course our ego wants them to come back…this comment that I hear so often sets me off!

  192.  #192Sunnygirl on May 16, 2009 at 7:00 pm

    Wow Rory, you have hit this spot on. In thinking about his mother I know that she was not really mean to him but was neglectful, cold, and a bit of a kook character wise. His ex/current treated him much the same way, nice one minute when she needed him to do something for her, but when he needed her she would blow him off, this he told me. He really has no love for his mom but rather tolerates her out of a sense of duty. Sill not clear why he wants that with a woman he is intimate with but I believe there is something to it. She is a good bit older than him as well. I do hope he does contact me someday if for no other reason than I really feel I need closure face to face, even though I’m not sure what that means or what I expect to happen. It is possible we will run into each other as I have a few good friends that live in his town and I do make trips up there to see them and go out to many of the same places he goes. If that happens I plan on leaning back, not approaching him in any way, but leaving an opening for him to talk to me if he makes the move to do so.

    As for me and my inner Diva, I’m finding it more and more as I date and just interact with men as friends. I feel very confident in my own skin to do feeling messages with my current man, not taking any nonsense yet opening up in a loving and vulnerable way which is something I was not able to do before, and it seems to be working. He wants to be serious but i will keep all options open till he puts a ring on my finger and I decide if he’s the one for me.
    I do have the toxic series program which I just got, and will be working that program very carefully.
    Thanks again 🙂

  193.  #193LostinLove on May 16, 2009 at 9:24 pm


    I know exactly what you mean with the energy disappearing and losing the “edge” in the relationship. I’ve been with a man I’m completely in love with for four years now, and for 3 of those years, there was so much tension between us, so many break-ups and false starts…and yet there was still feeling. And it kept us coming back to each other because they say even anger is better than apathy. This last year, I finally did start leaning back, putting the oars down, accepting the relationship for what it was, enjoying it!, and this worked for 6 months to keep both of us in this ephemeral, beautiful place. I almost miss the feeling! I was really using Rori’s tools, and I just FELT beautiful, feminine, wonderful, and he was there exactly as she said. I could really surrender to him, I felt happy and I knew he was pursuing me. And most of all, I felt really like a woman.

    But recently, in the past 6 months, I’ve been leaning back and yet it’s…different. I’m not calling, not pursuing, and while I know this is right, he’s not so interested either. We’ve like become COMFORTABLE with each other! And, like you, I’ve started to do other things for myself…and I just feel like there’s “less” between us. I love this man so much. Even today, I was telling a girlfriend about how much I enjoy my relationship and that I have virtually nothing to complain about… But where is the PASSION?

    If I really think about it, though, I think what’s going on is that I am not feeling-based anymore. I’m not really in the feminine energy. Yes, I’m leaning back, yes I’m pretty okay with it (unless I get crazy insecure)…but I’m also not really feeling anything. I’m doing so much for myself that I actually do feel more “masculine.” And it does feel strong, but the relationship is suffering I think, because I’m not only leaning back, I’m also not asking for things, engaging him in being generous to me. I’ve noticed I’m not really thanking him anymore for anything, probably because I’m so OK now and secure that I don’t really need anything. And yet, I really believe what keeps him there is wanting to GIVE TO YOU.

    So I’m trying to figure out now what I need to do, without playing any games, to get back to that space where that magnetic feminine energy compels him to give so that he also feels fulfilled in the relationship. I want to bring out his masculinity…but I can’t if I’m masculine, too! Even though I’m pretty content being that way, the relationship takes one of each. Now that I don’t have to “get” him, I have to find another, more profound reason to value and embrace that feminine vulnerability in my life.

  194.  #194Flipper on May 17, 2009 at 2:39 pm

    Wow, LostinLove – those are some pretty perceptive and profound observations you’ve made. Please do continue to share.

  195.  #195TW on May 17, 2009 at 2:55 pm

    Hello Flipper

    How are you doing? I am okay. I have been a little down but I am better. What has been going on in your world? My LI and I were getting along great and then I started leaning forward and he is becoming distant all over again. I do not know what makes me want to contact him when things are going well. It is hard for me to let him give to me although last week he was doing a great job at it. I know that I am a good bit of the problem in this situation because when he gives I get so excited that I just want to give back more and more knowing that is not the right thing to do you know. I am trying my best to do the right thing but it is so hard. What do you suggest?

  196.  #196Flipper on May 17, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    Hi TW – just posted what’s up with me in the “Vulnerability/Let him take the lead…” thread.

    I know just what you’re going thru – that’s my typical way of reacting, too – when things are going great I just want to reach out for more by giving more or showing the example or who knows what, but kerploof, I get less! I quoted this paraphrase somewhere here recently but dunno where, so here goes again: ‘When a man receives, he just feels like receiving more. When a woman receives, she feels like giving (even) more’ (and we know where that lands us.) I’m gonna make that my mantra to help me STOP calling; directing; thinking up new stuff to please, tantalize or otherwise beg for his attention; Automatically saying ‘no thank you’ whenever he offers something (‘cuz I think I shouldn’t want him to go out of his way when in fact I do, or ‘cuz I can do it better or more easily); etc etc. (fill in your personal blanks).

    BTW, I was so pleased to read your good reports last week – you can get that back again. In the meantime (until he re-initiates), can you think of some situations or remarks that come up often and practice the ‘I feels’ and ‘I don’t wants’ that would go with those circumstances? Hugs.

  197.  #197TW on May 17, 2009 at 3:39 pm

    Oh Flipper-
    My relationship with him last week was almost perfect. HE invited me to lunch… Was calling every day just to check on me… Came over to give me a kiss and all kinds of things and I took it and ran with it. It is so hard for me not to give to him. Sometimes I feel like I do not deserve it and that I am supposed to give to everyone. I am the same way at work. I do not know how to take time and do things for myself you know. That is how I have always been. I guess that is why I am in the state of eepression that I am in now. I am learning in therapy that I need to focus mroe on me and stop serving others all the time. It is not good for me and it is not healthy for me. I am trying so hard not to focus on him so much but it is what it is for now. I have the modern Siren program and I am trying to get through that.

  198.  #198Kismet on May 17, 2009 at 4:03 pm

    Hi Rori,

    Thank you so much for your response. I didn’t realize that you had until today.

    You had a question about whether the child is ours together, and the answer is no. However, he may as well have been. My youngest is two and a half, so he’s been around for most of his memorable life. He even calls him Papa. This is a hard one on me right now. My son keeps asking where Papa is, and saying that he misses him.

    You say that he will be contacting me…I don’t know what I’m supposed to do when he does. (He actually has sent me a couple of response emails since the “break-up” one, and in all of them he says that he loves me). I have not responded to his last email, and don’t intend to contact him. But when/if he does contact me…I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I haven’t been through any of your programs as of yet (I’m waiting for my Modern Siren to arrive), just the newsletters and here online.

    At what point am I supposed to start talking to him again, and not distance myself anymore?

    What clues should I look for that say that it’s at a point where we can revisit our relationship? (Even if it’s just to figure out what went wrong.)

    We are all so lucky to have your guidance in these situations. I know if I had not stumbled upon your resources, I would, FOR SURE, have done the same things…and gotten the same results. Thank you, for being you!

  199.  #199Sunnygirl on May 17, 2009 at 4:06 pm

    I can so relate to what you all have posted here. I have to be so careful to not run with things when my sweets goes out of his way for me, I think we are wired to automatically react by giving back to keep it going. We need to remind each other that all we need to do is say thank you.
    I still find it difficult to know whether to call him once in a while when he asks me to.

    Also I’m wondering if those of you doing the circular dating routine are finding that many men have no earthly idea how to pursue or even approach a woman, or if they do know how they don’t out of laziness of other women who make everything so darn easy for them????

  200.  #200Barb on May 18, 2009 at 4:14 am

    Dear Rori,

    I’m sorry that its taken me so long to send this thankyou for your answer to my question. I’ve been on such an emotional roloer coaster that I haven’t wanted to do anything.
    I know that the advice you gave me is good advice, but at this point, I can’t even imagine dating any one else. I thought taht I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man and in my mind I would feel like I was cheating. I don’t know how to get out of this head heart thing. Head tells me I need to let him go, heart says to stay and try to work things out.
    I so confused right now and can’t seem to get our of this depression. I go between taking this on myself and thinking I am doing something wrong because this has happened to me before in my relationships,, then to saying he isn’tr worth my time, yet knowing that this man is a good guy or at least I thought he was.

    And I have not been able to buy your ebook yet, so I come here and read commnets to try to help with what I need to do. And for the circular dating, how do you date when your heart is still with another man?

  201.  #201Cindy on May 18, 2009 at 5:44 am

    Good morning everyone…LostinLove, TW & Daria…
    I had an awful weekend. Huge fight with R. It started on Friday night. We went to dinner and got into a conversation about my kids…R hasn’t met them yet but I hope he will soon. ( I am still going thru the divorce). & He was talking about how kids need responsibility and should do chores to help me. I agree with this but tend to overfunction at home and do mostly everything myself. He feels very strongly about raising kids with “tough love” and not babying them. Of course, he doesn’t have any kids yet. So I told him not to judge my kids, etc. and this got him upset.
    Then he told me about his friend Michelle…whose apartment he is going to be renting ( which is in her house). Michelle’s husband was away for the weekend and asked him to stay over because she didn’t want to be alone. Well, I felt uncomfortable with this and asked if she respected the fact that he’s with me. He got pissed off and said there is nothing sexual between them and she is like a sister to him. The night really didn’t go well at all.
    Then Saturday we had two terrible arguments over the phone he even cursed at me and said I was a “f-in pyschotic bitch”….being jealous of his “friend” Michelle”. Then he texted me late Sat night ” Good night Sweetie” I only got a one word text yesterday morning telling me he was “working”. I tried to call him at 6:00 and he didn’t pick up. He finally called me at 10:00 and said he was going to pass out from exhaustion but said good night and he loves me.
    It seems like when we get into an argument he just gets so hateful and mad at me that he just can’t let it go. He said such terrible, negative things to me. He even said he has second thoughts about having kids with me because of our conversation over raising kids.
    He pulled away from me all weekend and I don’t know how to get our relationship back. OR do I even want to after the names he called me?


  202.  #202Cindy on May 18, 2009 at 5:58 am

    Hi Wyndee –
    Thanks for your response too. You are completely right. I overthink and obsess over him, his thoughts, whether he is committed enough, loves me enough. We are exclusive and talk about living together/marriage. But I am currently going through a divorce (very long separation.. so it’s not like I just jumped into this). Anyway, He tells me to just be all the time and that is very hard for me to do. I worry so much that he is going to stop loving me or leave me or find someone else he loves more.
    I don’t know how to discipline myself enough to stop the thoughts and stop looking for the reassurance from him that everything is ok and he still loves me.
    As you can see from my earlier post today that he called me some terrible things over the weekend and I am having a hard time putting that in the past.


  203.  #203Cindy on May 18, 2009 at 7:16 am

    I just read Rori’s e-mail How to heal your toxic man…and I am wondering if R is toxic. What do you guys think. Most of the time I get the silent treatment for hours or even days when we argue because he says he doesn’t want to say something he’ll regret. This is part of Rori’s e-mail:
    The difference between a Toxic Man and a non-
    Toxic man is that a non-Toxic man who feels as if
    he’s not getting his needs met in a relationship
    will usually do nearly ANYTHING to STAY in control
    of himself.
    That’s why and how men WITHDRAW.
    A man withdrawing is not necessarily toxic.
    But a man ATTACKING, even subtly with criticism
    and digs and jokes at your expense and never being
    able to see your side of things or care to listen
    to your feelings and concerns is totally toxic.

    So because he attacked me with his words and sometimes gets upset and even angry when I tell him about my feelings, is he toxic?


  204.  #204LostinLove on May 18, 2009 at 9:17 am

    Hi Cindy, good morning,
    I am so sorry you had an awful weekend and for the big fight. I was reading your posts, and it almost seems like the fight was bound to happen because last week I really sensed a build up of some tension.

    The names he called you are…yikes. But, it looks to me like he couldn’t control his anger. He wasn’t calling you that from a clear, calm, rational self. I think Rori’s letter is talking about men who are insensitive and criticize really who you are, not just outburst reacting to your behavior. I don’t think R is “toxic,” he’s not out to intentionally hurt you.

    The kids situation–I don’t have any, so maybe some others here could comment, but I can imagine your children mean the world to you and any kind of integration with R is going to be just very very sensitive. And…I wonder if, since you’re talking about it, you could just tell him that your very authentic feelings about this. I’m assuming he has no kids?

    Then Michelle…it has taken me years to get over M and his issues with female “friends.” Maybe it’s an instinct, but I have never been able to trust women with my guy, and still don’t. But what changed for me is trusting that our bond and our connection is so much more than anything else with another woman. And when I was able to really see that this was true, all of a sudden, without even asking…there were no more women in his life.

    I would feel exactly as you with the issue with Michelle. Why isn’t he moving in with you?

  205.  #205LostinLove on May 18, 2009 at 9:30 am

    My weekend–
    I felt very strange…I am trying to really respect this process I’ve committed myself to, to embody the characteristics of a woman that Rori’s work creates. I was watching the Modern Siren series yesterday and realized how very powerful this kind of a woman is…and yet, it feels so much more comfortable still to be what I am in the relationship. I almost don’t want to change into that goddess woman. It means I take responsibility for myself….

    My man didn’t call all weekend, and this time, it wasn’t hard for me not to call, which is a shift in me. But at the same time, I feel like I need to “become” this other creature in order for this all not to die–and it is SO HARD. I am realizing, now that my focus is off of him more, that I am just not happy in my life. I don’t even know why…I’m just not happy. And I think this is why it has been so scary to “leave him” or not focus on the relationship. The relationship is going fine, I have a good life, live very well, have all the money I want, have lots of friends, work for a non-profit, have a great family and good people around, am beautiful, fit, smart, young…and I feel LONELY! Even when I’m around people. I feel this yearning for something, but I don’t know what it is. And I really want to know how to change this. Is it simply not being able to embrace my deep femininity? I have done so much in my life and it’s never enough.

    Somehow, because of a shift recently, I’ve been able to keep this relationship while also focusing on myself, and I’m realizing that maybe….it wasn’t the relationship at all that was ever wrong. Maybe it is something else that I’ve not wanted to face…I don’t know if anyone else has had these feelings.

  206.  #206Cindy on May 18, 2009 at 9:33 am

    Hi LostinLove-

    I am relieved to hear you don’t think he is toxic. I don’t think so either, but the way things go south sometimes I start to feel he might be.
    R wants to live with me…but because of my kids we have to go slow. I would absolutely love to live with him and he wants that very much.
    I am just not sure when the timing will be right since I am not even done with my divorce yet.
    I think he gets as oversensitive as I do sometimes. Maybe he saw me defending my kids as putting them before him and made him jealous?
    I know that he and Michelle are only friends and he is friends with her husband too. She is just this touchy, feely person that can make you feel threatened. I only met her once and she kept hugging him and saying “you don’t know how much I love you”. She also asked him if her ass looked too small because she lost weight due to working out. Is this normal in front of your “friend’s” new girlfriend”
    R just sees my questioning as not trusting him and not being secure. Maybe it is partially true. I do have trust issues due to past relationships and the things I’ve seen happen out there.
    To answer your question, R has no kids.
    I did not call him or text him at all this morning and he called me just a little while ago to give me info for an invoice I had to type out for him. He wants to see me tonight after blowing me off the whole weekend. I see it as blowing me off because that’s me…but he was actually working. But I am sure he also wanted time away from me.
    So you think I should put his name calling in the past?


  207.  #207LostinLove on May 18, 2009 at 10:14 am

    I wouldn’t bring up the past with him. Because what you really want is for him to, in some way, apologize, and even if he “should”, you won’t get it. It will make him feel wrong and what will happen is, he’ll become angry in order to cover up feelings of inadequacy. I know this well. The best thing you can do is let it go and trust me, he does feel bad about it. He is exactly like M. They are very masculine. If you can let it go, and realize that 1) he knows it hurt you, and 2) he withdrew because he felt bad about the entire situation, what you’ll do is make him feel accepted. He’s not out to abuse you.

    Still, he did call you those names, but using the next encounter is not the time to amend any kind of behavior you don’t like. Just stay present with him. I would, at home when you’re along and relaxing, visualize him calling you this again in a future argument, and then visualizing yourself there and how you will respond to it at THAT time, from a calm, strong place to express your feelings about it at the time it happens. That way it won’t ever happen again. But if you bring it up tonight, it will only serve to create bad feelings, not to change anything. You’ll have to do the visualization, and then you will feel so much better and be able to have a good time tonight, because you can trust yourself.

    It seems like there is a really big issue though with his moving, and this seems like something to really hash out inside yourself because you have a lot of emotions around this.

  208.  #208Cindy on May 18, 2009 at 10:44 am

    LostinLove –

    R did apologize for what he said. But I brought it up on Saturday in our second conversation because somehow his apology got lost in our first conversation and I didn’t really remember him apologizing for what he called me. When I brought it up it made him angrier with me and he shut down all over again.
    I agree with staying present, but it is very difficult. On Friday night when I felt the conversation turning into an argument I tried to stop it, to take it back…but he held onto it and kept the arguing going.
    When I tried to do the same on Saturday morning when we spoke over the phone…it just got even more heated.
    So I did try to be in the present, but it didn’t work.
    As far as your post…feeling like something is missing. I often feel that way too…but I was in a bad marriage for a long time and very unsettled. Do you have religious beliefs? Maybe it’s more about spiritual fulfillment. I know I don’t go to church or include God in my daily life and decisions as I should sometimes. I feel guilty about it because imagine how HE feels when we don’t give him the attention we so want from the men we love.


  209.  #209Rori Raye on May 18, 2009 at 12:11 pm

    Cindy, the short answer is…Yes. And the long answer is…what do you do about it? If this is his chronic, all the time reaction – to PROTECT himself, to DEFEND himself without feeling compassionate towards YOU – then he’s got issues. And…if he CAN change, if he WANTS to change – if you show him the way by example – (not telling him how) – by dropping your own “drama” – by communicating in an easy, effortlessly feeling way, and back that up with the boundaries to turn around and leave the room – then he WILL change. Love, Rori

  210.  #210Rori Raye on May 18, 2009 at 12:17 pm

    LosInLove – I want to thank you for all your comments, and your insights, and connection to everyone else here…and the first thing that hit me is this — you’re really SMART, aren’t you…

    I mean that in a hugely complementary way …but I can see (because I identify with the way you write) that your mental abilities are getting in the way here. You are yearning for YOU. We ALL feel this. Go find YOU (it’s inside, and then what you find takes action outside…baby-steps, experiment, all that…) and then happiness will just BE. Follow your happiness as best you can…it will lead you to what makes you feel connected to all of us, to every man, woman and child, to the world, to the Universe…and the journey will be FUN. You’re using your considerable brain to fight your inner urge to take responsibility for your own happiness instead of for everyone else’s. I want to support you in dropping the fight and just sliding into your life. Love, Rori

  211.  #211Cindy on May 18, 2009 at 12:18 pm


    Your answer of “yes” was to my question: “Is he toxic” (sorry I posted a few messages here today).
    I am assuming that you were answering that question. I don’t know if he wants to change. Most of our discussions center around ME changing how I deal with things…overthinking, negative thoughts, wanting to be reassured about the relationship.
    Most of the time his reaction is withdrawal. Then when we do talk he attacks and threatens to be done with me and us. He tells me afterwards that he didn’t mean it and it was out of frustration.
    I am not sure how to teach him to change when he feels I need to change.

  212.  #212Rori Raye on May 18, 2009 at 12:25 pm

    Kismet, I have a feeling you’re going to have to experience this moment by moment (playing it by ear, they say – though without playing a “game” – playing as in “fun” if you can…).

    First question to ask yourself – for your son’s sake – do you want this man in your life as a friend? Or do you think it would be better for your son if you simply stopped all contact with this man if it isn’t going to work as a committed relationship?

    And second – how do you further your own life and happiness without waiting on this man? See where the answers to these questions get you, and let us all know. Love, Rori

  213.  #213LostinLove on May 18, 2009 at 12:47 pm

    Thanks for the support. I’m sure I’ll figure it out one way or another. I find that I have a hard time just enjoying life! I came to Rori’s works by way of a terrible struggle with this relationship and realized that I’ve been so unhappy for a long time because of my masculine energy. I was raised in a family where there were never ANY feelings, and no one ever expressed them. I was raised to perform, get things done, and my value–even now with the family–is all based on how much I’ve achieved. And now that I have everything I want in life (pretty much literally)…I’m still not happy.

    The problem is, I LOVE being a woman, I really do feel fulfilled in a much calmer, relieved way by embodying more feminine energy–but I also feel like I’m incongruent. Like it’s not “me.” For example, it feels wrong to wear a dress–something that simple–because until this past year, I have never ever owned one. And I am pretty good looking, but I’ve just never seen myself that way. I feel mismatched. I’ve seen a therapist and it did nothing.

    Before my current man, who is a extremely masculine (and I was drawn to him as I still am because he brings out my femininity), I had a long term 5 year relationship with who I thought I would marry, a really wonderful, spiritual, talented, creative man. We had a really great relationship…and yet, I remember just breaking down and crying every so often with him for no reason. I just wasn’t happy. He was very feminine energy and we were like best friends, but he didn’t help me grow. He didn’t help my femininity flourish.

    Now with M, it’s been a heartache, but somehow, he brings out my deepest desires. I know that I should continue to date, and I do hang out with my girlfriends, but it seems that anywhere without him, I revert to my old “masculine” self. I really do and I hate it. This is why it’s so hard for me to not see M as my “salvation.” Because it seems anywhere else, I’m always the generous one, the responsible one, the person who creates the mood, the person who takes care of everything, the one who inspires people. Whether it’s with friends, strangers, family. And it feels strong, but it’s also so lonely. I just feel lonely.

    I’m trying to understand how to be feminine with EVERYONE, and I just CAN’T. I feel like I’m letting people down, when it’s all I really want to do.

  214.  #214LostinLove on May 18, 2009 at 12:50 pm

    🙂 Thanks so much Rori! Yes, I identify so much with your history.

    Sadly…it is HARD for me to have fun. I don’t even know where to start in some ways….I have always been the person who saves everyone. And I am so afraid of doing things for myself. I have a great fear of having no purpose.

    If you know of any fellow coaches who help with this kind of thing, I’d love to get some help!

  215.  #215Rori Raye on May 18, 2009 at 1:02 pm

    They may not be back the way you want them…they hardly ever do…but they always show up in some way…wanting sex or wanting to be friends…until they’re in a committed relationship with someone else. If he’s worthless…then you’re so much better off and you’ll see it the moment he shows up.

    And if he was worthwhile, and YOU’VE changed…anything can happen. Looking back at the relationships I had that didn’t work…I can completely imagine how they might have been different…how the men might have showed up and then I was different and they wanted me…but I ALSO see that THEY might NEVER be able to move to the new level I was able to imagine getting myself to…and that’s why moving on is usually a so much better idea (often even if you have children and other really good reasons to work things out….look for my post on Nights In Rodanthe…). – And read my posts about moving on and letting go…it’s not necessary to be done with one man completely in order to meet a dreamier man – just take him with you. Love, Rori

  216.  #216LostinLove on May 18, 2009 at 1:12 pm

    Here’s an example of what I mean by being masculine around girlfriends:

    I am actually more comfortable around my girlfriends who are more “masculine energy” than me, because for once, I don’t have to be planning where we go, starting the conversations, keeping the mood cheerful. I have a couple of them that are more that way than me, and I really like being with them because I feel more feminine. The only problem is, they are also not really people to just relax. We’re always strategizing or getting something done. We are really in our brains all the time. If I tried to really relax into the feminine, they think something is wrong with me! Yikes. I really doubt I would have them as friends.

    I actually have one “feminine energy” girlfriend. She’s Chinese, and when we’re together hanging out, I feel like a MAN! 🙂 I know it’s funny, but she is so incredibly soft that if I didn’t decide where we go, what we do…we wouldn’t do anything. It is exhausting hanging with her for too long.

    The only way I feel really feminine is to be around…men. But my fear of approval is so strong that I resort to my masculinity.

    So….maybe you are right, Rori. Maybe I should get my profile up on–if for nothing else but to be around men. The problem I’ve historically had with my male friends, however, is that they all fall in love with me and I feel like I’m hurting people. I actually had one man stalk me last year because I “broke his heart” and I ended up having an entire situation around that. I can’t count how many guys I’ve had fall for me, including M. The only difference with M was that he actually got me but I didn’t know all that I know now about commitment that would have taken this relationship to the next level.

  217.  #217Cindy on May 18, 2009 at 1:12 pm

    Rori –

    Just to clarify, was your last post meant for me? I am so not ready to move on. That is SO not what I want.


  218.  #218LostinLove on May 18, 2009 at 1:40 pm

    I’m sure whatever Rori meant was not to move on. It sounds like you have a very close bond and he’s clearly more good than he is bad.

    I wanted to say that I think the situation with him living elsewhere is a really big stress, and there must be a way, if he can’t move in now, to at least have a set plan in time for it. I think this will really ease your anxiety over a lot of things. With M, we fight the most when we don’t have any idea what’s happening in the near future. Then we talk it out, talk about some dates for moving things forward, and I always feel so much better just knowing that date is on the calendar, so I don’t have to worry so much about everything falling apart.

  219.  #219Cynthia on May 18, 2009 at 2:08 pm

    HI Rori
    How do I find the posts on moving on and letting go? or the Nights in Rodanthe? I’m intrigued by your comment about not needing to be completely moved on before a dreamier man comes along. I feel like I’m not ready, even though I don’t want what the recent 4 year guy had to offer. I find myself bitter, and angry with him for using me for so long and so convincingly until the very last minute. I feel this is the reason no one seems to be moving towards me. I would LOVE to date, and I am easily attractive enough, inside and out…still no interest comin my way! I feel rather pathetic these days!

  220.  #220Flipper on May 18, 2009 at 2:43 pm

    Cindy, I feel what Rori said about moving on was in answer to someone else’s question further up whose man broke up with her (and all the rest of us who are wondering/hoping/curious/desperate about someone who’s gone from our lives). You and R are still in a relationship and from all appearances, both of you seem to me to want to keep it that way, despite the squabbles.

    I have 3 grown children, and I discovered early on that most people who’ve never had any of their own can’t say much that’s useful in that domain, however well-intentioned and seemingly logical or intelligent. There’s no substitute for the actual experience of kids that keeps other parents more understanding of what’s really involved and tolerant of the pitfalls facing anyone in that position of complete commitment and 100%, round the clock responsibility – the compromises one cannot make under any circumstances, and the ones you are led to make after all, sometimes with yourself.

    On the other hand, it feels entirely legitimate and commendable that R would want to talk about child rearing with you given your projects. If it were me, I would try to listen to him about this on levels 2 and 3, so paying close attention, mirroring what he says to show him he’s heard, accepting to try to look at things from his point of view while not actually agreeing to change everything you do according to his ideas. Once he’s actually dealing with the children, there’ll surely be some hard reality checks, and eventually that experience will help him readjust his sights. Perhaps in the meantime, I could share some of my concerns about the children (not his relationship with them, just kid-related stuff in general), giving my take and asking him what he thinks or what he would do in that case. If his response seems too off the mark, I could mention some other aspects he might ignore, for ex. ‘”Yes that’s interesting, and you see, there’s also this or that , and I feel it needs to be taken into account, too”), but avoid arguing about it or even trying to convince him. Hearing his advice, acknowledging it, doesn’t mean you have to follow it, but maybe you’ll be surprised by some good insights or suggestions.

  221.  #221Symantha on May 18, 2009 at 4:08 pm


    Following Rori’s comment for you, If it were me, I’ll read it word by word few more times and in the lines with the advices ie: ‘if you show him the way by example’ (this require you to change, so you can show him by your example) and when she says: ‘by dropping your own “drama” – by communicating in an easy, effortlessly feeling way, and back that up with the boundaries to turn around and leave the room’ these are the things you actually need to incorporate in order to change your old patterns,… so don’t feel panic, just slow down the mind chatter and try to change the ways of responding (or triggering) him so you can see a different response from him. I’m just on my way of doing it… and my fiancee (we live together) has changed from a ‘moody swings’ ‘grumpy for no reason’ ‘talking to me like a was a litlle girl’ and therefore calling me names sometimes in an argument shiftted to a ‘normal loving mood’ 90% of the time. How? I changed the way I communicate to him by not getting into the discussion of the horrible names he called me but by calmly saying: I feel unrespected when you call me this names, I feel your anger and just don’t want you to call me that way anymore, it feels insulting and is no the way tha I want to be discussing with my honey….. Then he started to mention that those ‘names’ doesn’t have that strong meaning for him even if I call him those names back it doesn’t really matter for him or that he was so angry, or any of BS. I explained him that I don’t wan’t to discuss ‘languages’ and ‘meanings’ with him because a bad words just makes me feel poisoned inside and I don’t like to feel that way. I had to say it a second time and never ever he repeated that to me again. Is just boundaries, he can be out of his head but that doesn’t give him right to call you names and you are the one to honor your boundaries, but express them first and don’t try to ask him why he did it or don’t allow him to start going into the details of your fight because you only want to tell him how bad it feels when you hear him saying those names to you… no why’s, no when’s, no the reasons, try to isolate the issue so to not bring old discussions to distract the conversation.

    Again, If I were you… well actually is what I’ve been doing is… next time he contacts you and wants to see you, be open and honest and tell him that you are feeling … (fill the space with one word to express your feeling) and you want to share it with him and if he is ok with it so he knows you will bring something but you are making an appointment because you need time for you, a time to say how do you feel, because if you don’t say it you won’t be warm and open in his presence therefore you won’t (neither he) enjoy the time together.
    If he goes agressive or withdraw or says he doen’t want to talk about that or anything about ‘your issues’ etc… you say you feel sad, dissapointed he doesn’t want to talk about it (don’t start talking about it) and when is a good time for him to do it, so the thing is if he wants to see you he knows that the air has to be cleared and you are not going to do it by yourself alone.
    Just think about you and your feelings and creating a time with him to share them, is a safe way to start interacting and avoid long phone fights/conversations, try to keep them short and tell him you’ll feel confortable talking face/face.

    Hope you the best


  222.  #222Flipper on May 18, 2009 at 4:24 pm

    That’s lovely, Symantha, I feel so much caring and gentle encouragement in what you wrote, and it feels so good to hear how it’s working for you.

  223.  #223Flipper on May 19, 2009 at 2:04 am

    Cynthia, You’ll find some appropriate posts in the sections “Heal Your Heart” and “Breakuup and Divorce”. I feel curious about Rodanthe as well, and don’t remember seeing that before.

  224.  #224Flipper on May 19, 2009 at 2:25 am

    For Cindy (and others, some of these can used in other situations),

    I could say things like:

    “I feel bad arguing about this.”
    “I don’t want to argue about this – I feel it’s too close to my heart not to be discussed calmly.”
    “I’m feeling strong reactions to this coming from my experience so far and I don’t want to try to convince you. ”
    “I don’t want to tell you what/how to think/do anything.”
    “I feel grateful to hear your point of view.”
    “I feel appreciation for being able to discuss this together”.
    “I feel like letting this go for the moment and thinking over what you said by myself for awhile.”
    “I feel too overwhelmed to continue right now.”

  225.  #225Cynthia on May 19, 2009 at 3:32 am

    Thank you Flipper…the ways of telling your man how you are feeling are really great. I only wish I had gotten more of this before my guy had had enough…not that it would have even mattered, but I would have loved to be able to try all this great stuff out on him and us. I live in a small small place, with about 5 women for every man, and I’m 44 with 2 teenage boys….I’m pretty down in the dumps because it’s not looking too good for me any time soon, in terms of the dating scene, even though I am quite attractive and a lot of fun! I’ve surrendered to the “this is my time” for now bit, and although that’s a really needed thing, I love being in relationship, and doing my thing at the same time.

  226.  #226Wyndee on May 19, 2009 at 4:55 am

    Lost in Love,
    I can really relate to your posts about being vaguely unsatisfied in your life. That is where I am right now–I haven’t been satisfied with the way MY life is going so I was using my relationship to make me happy. I know we’ve all heard it 100 times but the only one who can make you happy is you! 🙂 Easier said than done sometimes.

    One thing that might help you is something I started yesterday. I made a list of things that, as a little girl I dreamed of doing one day. I wrote down EVERYTHING such as “learn to fly a plane” “write a book of short stories” “live near the ocean” “take cool pictures to frame and hang on my wall” even “be an astronaut” (I spared nothing, lol!)

    Obviously I am not going to go out and be an astronaut but it was so much fun remembering all the neato things I wanted to do when I was young and before life got in the way. And as a bonus not one thing was about my BF; I was all about me baby!

  227.  #227Wyndee on May 19, 2009 at 5:13 am

    Hi, just a thought about your children wrt your BF–I have a similar situation (recent divorce, two girls ages 11 and 14) and when BF first got to know the girls he would say stuff about my children that I considered criticism and I would get defensive and angry. In hindsight I don’t really think he meant anything negative just stating his observation/opinion but! you know we moms get a little funny if we think someone is talking smack about our kids!

    Especially from someone who 1. is saying something in an insensitive way instead of nicely like a fellow mom or good friend might (and we all know men aren’t always the best at wording things well!) and 2. has no kids of their own anyway so what do they know?!? 😉

    Anyway just a thought. It really sounds to me like he is just talking–I wouldn’t read too much into it because I don’t think men think & ruminate on these details like we do. 🙂

  228.  #228Cindy on May 19, 2009 at 6:40 am

    You girls are all so great! Wyndee, Flipper, LostinLove, Symantha and anyone else I missed.
    Thanks for your support and being there to help me through this. Sometimes I get so anxious that I am going to mess this up with R so much that I am going to lose him for good. I have negative thoughts which cause me anxiety and then I look for reassurance from him all the time. It aggravates him and makes him feel that I don’t have any trust and faith in us. He can be really good about listening but at times just loses his patience with me. I do need to learn how to drop the drama. I think a lot of my insecurities are due to the fact that we can’t live together right now. He still needs to meet my kids. I haven’t even told them about him yet and I am getting ready to do that soon. I talked to my divorce lawyer and my therapist and they both said it was ok to do it now. Even though my soon to be ex is still in the house! That’s another problem with the whole thing. It’s been very hard for us to move forward because of my issues.
    We saw each other last night and it was really great. No arguing and just some discussion of the last fight but we didn’t harp on anything and agreed to let it go.


  229.  #229patricia carney on May 19, 2009 at 8:17 am

    hello rori my name is trish carney I am 23 single but taken and committed all of my own problems and issues with my ex is insceure and it is driving me crazy how can I just explain to him I dont have feelings for him and move on from the awful hurt I had in the past this is been going on for a while now and I feel he should trust me and be honest with me is it so hard for him to understand how I feel about this proposal of marriage it is not on him avoiding me not talking to me listening to me not paying a full attention to me not ringing me or listening to me it feels like he is shutting me out of his life why is he being like this with me what did I do wrong to make him hurt me upset me abuse me with a lack of respect and trust love devestate me break up with me use me lie to me betray me neglecting me rejecting me breaking my heart in shattered pieces and pretend we dont have anything in commen anymore I am really struggling with this breakup please help me

  230.  #230LostinLove on May 19, 2009 at 9:45 am

    Thank you so much Wyndee, Cindy, Rori, and everyone for your support! I am going to take Rori’s advice here, leave my support blog for a little while and see what I can apply from what I’m learning–feeling, staying in feelings, expressing feelings, feeling my value. I really appreciate knowing that this blog is here for me when I get down, because I know I’ll need the support when I’m anxious.

    I feel pretty good today and am going for a swim! My love to you all~

  231.  #231LostinLove on May 19, 2009 at 9:56 am

    And Cindy, I am so happy for you. You really are aware and I have every confidence that things are going to be great. He seems like a great man that is helping you grow, and in the process, you are helping him in ways you don’t even know. I’m happy you had a great evening. Christian Carter, who first introduced me to Rori in his communication program, said–and I believe–that a solid relationship is one in which there are 20 to 1 good encounters to bad. That’s pretty high, but from a study that was done, couples who have 20 good encounters to each negative encounter with each other can get through anything and are much more willing to, as well. So if that’s any guidance, I’ve noticed that it seems to be true for me as well. If we’ve had 15-20 positive encounters with each other, even if we get in one hell of a fight, we still have that trust between us. If we haven’t been talking or have had a string of bad encounters, even if they’re not massive upsets, it does worse for the relationship that a big blow out.

    So with R, enjoy whatever you can as much as you can (without being untrue to your feelings) and it will see you through any bad times. And trust him! Trust that you can express your feelings all the time, good ones and bad ones. I tend to express my feelings only when they’re bad, and that just doesn’t work. But I’m learning that expressing my feelings all the time really makes me attractive and allows him to deal with the bad stuff.

  232.  #232Cynthia on May 20, 2009 at 2:40 am

    Might there be any takers on this one? My “man” left me one and half months ago,,,,I sensed another woman, he said no, I found out 3 weeks into it that he was already sleeping with someone about which I confronted him about, because I wanted to know if indeed she had been in the wings or already active ( We had an amazing romance for 4 years and then he broke up with me a year ago, only to come crying back 2 months later, and me rescuing him…1st very major mistake still, our connection felt so sincere) He wrote me a I’m sorry and feeling so guilty letter after that and basically said she was a one night stand,,,Last night my good friend saw them being very cozy in his kitchen, her car neatly hideing behind his truck. I decided to drive by to confirm that it was her, the one he met one month prior to the break up, and who brought cookies to the door for him which I intercepted a couple weeks prior to the breakup. Indeed it was. He is 41, she is 22. My heart which has been working overtime in healing has been hard as a rock all night. I so wish he would come crawling back so that I could have an ego boost and spit on him, and it really sucks to see that he is moving on so easily. I don’t want him( I want the potential of him) or this relationship and i am stuck with the disbelief of how easy it is for him to forget about me. This is unbelievably hard to let go of, and I see an amazing healer/therapist weekly, and I feel I’ve really been doing so well and maturing so much this past year and a half. IN fact he left after I drew boundaries which didn’t involve taking care of him over my needs. I don’t think anyone can make this any easier for me, I just need to go through it, still, what the heck? We live in a small town and as much as I feel very ready to date, it simply is not happening for me, and I am very attractive and have a lot going on and don’t want a relationship right now. This is just a really hard time for me, and i am incensed with how easy it is for him…wish I could be bigger than this, but that’s the way it is.

  233.  #233susan on May 20, 2009 at 6:28 am

    I am confused about something and need some help / advice:
    as modern sirens we are, on the one hand, confident, yet vulnerable and mysterious. How should I go about keeping these qualities alive after going through the heart-break of the end of a long-term (many years) relationship, with him now giving me mixed messages? If we are trying to get to know each other again, then how does one keep the past in the past, and prevent icky feelings resurfacing everytime some little thing isn’t perfect?
    Please help.

  234.  #234Barb on May 20, 2009 at 7:27 am

    Dear Rori,

    I’m still confused about the circular dating!! It seems to me that would be cheating!!

    If its all about honesty in a relationship, then how is dating while you are in a relationship ok? I’m having problems wrapping my head around that one.
    I’m hurt and confused and angry because he kept something from me, how is this alright?

    I’m still hurt from what he did and having a hard time dealing with that and trying to figure out the truth, and at the same time, taking a look at what I was or is really going on in this relationship.

    Without honesty, we have nothing and I know thats what hurst me the most with what he did. He kept his relationship with this women a secret, friend or not I don’t think thats right.

    So to go back to him now and tell him that I want to see other men would really be a lie.

    So, where do I go from here then?

  235.  #235J on May 20, 2009 at 7:34 am

    I saw a guy for 3-4 months in the winter. He had some family issues and such going on and he basically dropped off the earth. I think he also had some issues with coming hom from Iraq a year prior. Said he needed to tend to this mom and dad’s health issues as well as his sister just getting divorced and had to move her back to the states. We both loved each other and he proclaimed wanting to go the distance with me…as far as marriage, kids, etc. Time passed, and despite me wanting to support him through this family stuff, he just shut down and sent this email:

    In no way am I trying to hurt you. I still do not feel prepared to open up, or really put myself in a position where I may be uncomfortable. I hope you can understand that. Sometimes I do think about just going out for a coffee, but then I worry about the terms that we would part on. I hope that none of this seems cowardly… I like to think of myself as just being honest and not a wuss.
    I also realize that our paths may cross on Saturday at the race. I will not play the idiodic duck and run game, and it would be nice to see you if we do “run” into each other.
    I hope things are going great for you.

    Then I get this email..amidst several texts in the interim…saying hello, happy birthday, merry christmas, etc. Note: 1 year later this time last year.

    I wanted to say Hello. I was thinking of you, and wondering if we were going to bump into each other at the Broad Street run this past Sunday. I hope all is well. Happy nurses day.

    He’s been texting me since…just things that he remembers about me, etc.

    I am currently dating someone…..I texted him that I was watching a guy I was dating’s soccer game to let him know. How do I feel/what do I want? I really loved this guy and he hurt me alot by disappearing/giving up on us. But mostly for not explaining himself to me…particularly just using emails to elude himself. I feel now he has no idea how much he hurt me, since he’s casually emailing/texting me. I want to tell him how I feel/felt, but I don’t want to chase him away. What do you think?

  236.  #236Flipper on May 20, 2009 at 7:43 am

    I believe we can’t prevent the icky feelings from coming back, rather we allow ourselves to feel them all the way through when they hit us. And when we’re on the other side, it’ll feel easier to see what belongs to the past and can be left there, and what feels the same about now, which is telling us what to express, when to better mark our boundaries or that we should walk away this time. Feelings are our guides, but we have to accept them and not block them for their message to get through.

  237.  #237susan on May 20, 2009 at 9:09 am

    Thanks Flipper — you’re right, but I am scared that he will magnify every tiny icky feeling to validate his decision of not being with me. I feel needy when I write this, but I want to focus on things that were good and fun in our relationship, how do I get the balance right?

  238.  #238Sunnygirl on May 20, 2009 at 7:38 pm

    Cynthia, I do know what you are going threw. My ex who was the love of my life in every way, who pursued me to the ends of the earth for a solid year and wanted to marry me went back to his ex after letting me know by email. Wonderful right. Luckily he lives 2 hours away which saves me the agony of nights on stakeout and seeing them together as you have… sadly. I now know what actual heartache feels like. My heart actually ached from being broken, and being so floored by the whole thing. I often thought shikes if I can’t trust someone like him then who the hell can i trust in this world. Like you I feel I’m attractive and I do get a lot of looks when I go out, and I know the subtle art of flirting, but for some reason most men never make any real effort to woo me, and obviously I’m not going to chase any of them so it’s been slow going for me as well. But I have been broken up with my ex for 9 months now so I have more healing time under my belt than you do. Your wound is still very fresh. I still miss him terribly, and I really feel that I won’t completely get over him till I have what I had with him with someone else or maybe even better. So for me the work I have to do everyday is push myself to not only do what makes me happy but put myself out there knowing it won’t always be this way.
    I’m sure Rory would have much better advice for you but I hope that helps in some small measure.

  239.  #239Sharmila on May 20, 2009 at 9:22 pm

    Dear Rori

    I am going thru a most difficult stages in my life right now. I have been living separately from my husband for past 2 months after got legally registered in January 2009. The reason is because my family got involved in our relationship which caused a huge fight between my family and my husband. And where my brother pushed my husband out of our own house. And due to this horrible incident my husband went thru a bad mental stress thinking about the incident. He is very angry with my family for treating him that way. He is staying by himself now and am staying in the hse alone. After 1 month of the incident, i tried talking to him and saying that I feel really sorry of what has happened and would like to work things out and wants him back to the hse as my husband. I am not talking to my family at this moment as I am angry as well with how they treated my husband. I realised my mistake and would like to move on but my husband is still very angry and don’t want to work things out. He has been putting ridicalous conditions to me if I want him back. He says that he feels insecure to come back and stay with me. He is scared that the same incident will reoccur. Since then he has been saying alot of hurtful things to me and giving me cold shoulders everytime we meet. He wants to hang out with me but he says that he can’t accept me as his wife. I have tried talking to him many times but he is not willing to listen to my opinions instead he is being very stubborn with his decisions. And he expects me to follow his conditions if I want him back. I have been going thru emotional stress with all this and at times I feel like giving up on all this. Before the incident, my husband is the most loving person i have known and we have been together for 7years. And I feel it’s so difficult for me to accept all this and seeing my husband the total opposite of whom I know. I feel that he looks like a stranger to me at times. He do come to the hse on and off to help in certain things and I can feel that he wants to come back but his anger, ego and his stubborness is keeping him away. And lately whenever he is with me in the hse i also notice that he started calling girls and talking to them on the ph for hours and he gets messages so late at nite. Before the incident, he hardly keep in touch with any of his girl friends and he is always with me. I was like everything for him. But now i don’t understand why he is doing all this. And after all we are still husband and wife. I seriously don’t know what he is trying to proof to me. I am getting more frustrated with his behaviour than anything. Everytime I want to talk about our relationship, we will end up in big arguments and he will start shouting at me. So i told myself that I am not going to let him treat me in this way instead I am going to stop calling him and meet him. And when I did that for couple of days, he actually started texting me asking how am doing and stuff. I just get confused wit his attitude because when I want to avoid him, he start to call and text me. So I decided that I will answer his calls and text but I will not show my emotions to him when I see him. And for past 3 days he stayed in our house because he wanted to send me to work. But I just kept my distance from him and acted very normal. And we did not talked anything about the issue at all.

    Rori, please help me on what to do. I am feeling helpless on how to work this realationship. I love my husband and i know that my husband loves me as well but things are getting bad to worst between us. I do not want to give up yet. Please guide me. What should I do?


  240.  #240Rori Raye on May 20, 2009 at 10:57 pm

    Dear Sharmila, Welcome, and I’m so sorry for all the turmoil you’re enduring. Mostly, I don’t have a good answer for you. I don’t know what happened with your family, and how you can guarantee it won’t happen again, and I’m completely baffled by the phone calls to other women. What I know for sure is that if you take your energy away from him, do not reach out to him, and yet, please, allow your emotions to be felt and shared (without DISCUSSING THINGS) – he’ll want to get closer to you. I wouldn’t tolerate the other women thing, though. You’re better off alone and starting over than tolerating that. My guess is, the cooler you are, the stronger his feelings will return. Good luck to you, Rori

  241.  #241Rori Raye on May 20, 2009 at 11:06 pm

    J, Welcome, and this is my take (though I know it’s not what you’d like to hear). This man thinks of you as a friend. That’s all. He’s keeping in touch the way men do. If he felt differently, he’d act differently. Please ignore him completely. If you had no feelings for him, it wouldn’t matter, but you do…and you must save those feelings for a man who can do the job. Love, Rori

  242.  #242Rori Raye on May 20, 2009 at 11:13 pm

    Dear Patricia, Welcome – and I’m so sorry, but I’m not sure I understand your situation. He broke up with you? He is abusive? You say you DON’T have feelings for him, or ? and about the proposal of marriage. Perhaps you can explain more…Rori

  243.  #243ebony on May 20, 2009 at 11:37 pm

    How do you respond to a man when he shares his feelings and vulnerability? Yesterday I got a text from my guy saying that he was sad and that he wishes that he could win the lottery so that we could start having kids. I was obviously thrown for a loop when he wrote this. I wrote back ‘I love u’ because although I felt happy that he said it I didn’t want to scare him off. He wrote back ‘I love u too but I feel sad’ when I got home he told me that he was really lonely. I was scared to say the wrong thing that would in affect be advising him or scaring him off. I just ended up sitting next to him and he pulled me close. I want to be able to let him communicate things like this and know how to respond.. What do u suggest?

  244.  #244Flipper on May 21, 2009 at 2:59 am

    Ebony, if it were me I might say “I feel touched by your sadness”or perhaps “I feel the trust between us when I hear your feelings”. And when he regrets not winning the lottery or accomplishing what he wants to do, that makes me feel that he is feeling inadequate or incapable as a man, i.e. that he’s judging himself severely, even if he’s using other words. We know that trying to fix his problem or offering advice wouldn’t be helpful. Listening at Level 3 feels right, and body language like, like sitting relaxed and offering your hand for him to take (or not) (but not initiating ‘mothering hugs’). If he’s coming down hard on himself, maybe I could say “I don’t want to judge that.”, or asking you what to do “I don’t want to tell you what to do.”
    What do you think ?

  245.  #245Flipper on May 21, 2009 at 3:40 am


    I feel my own personal balance will come to me by itself, like a pendulum, IF I allow myself to feel all the good and bad feelings. “Focussing” on one side will automatically skew things and prevent balance.

    I feel confused about “I am scared that he will magnify every tiny icky feeling to validate his decision of not being with me”. This is about Your feelings – not second-guessing his. I feel it’s NOT sharing your feelings that will validate his decision (unconsciously) – the barrier is left up so how can he get close? Taking the risk to confide “I feel scared telling My feelings”, “I don’t want a relationship where I don’t feel comfortable sharing My feelings, even the icky ones” “This feels scary to say, but I still have all my strong feelings for you” takes down the wall and leaves the path open, without prejudging his attitude (as in “I feel afraid YOU won’t like it if I share my feelings”).

    To all the Newbies, and the rest who’re still struggling with this concept: Circular Dating is NOT about cheating, it’s perfectly possible for married women; girlfriends who want/have committed to “exclusivity”, and even women who’ve currently opted out of “dating” as they know it. Don’t let the words trigger all the old ideas and blocks. Look at all the posts about this essential tool of “dating (for) yourself”.

  246.  #246Cynthia on May 21, 2009 at 4:14 am

    Thanks so much Sunnygirl. It does always help to know we aren’t alone, especially in this ‘recovery’ phase when life can feel low, and we know we have so much to be grateful for, and still the ache knaws at us until it’s done.
    Have a Fun Day

  247.  #247Wyndee on May 21, 2009 at 4:16 am

    Wow Ebony it sounds like you responded perfectly–you were there for him in a loving way with out trying to “fix” his problem in a masculine energy way or ‘mommying’ him. I’d say you responded perfectly.

  248.  #248T on May 21, 2009 at 5:50 am

    Thank you so much for your comment Rori. Sorry I have not been back on in awhile. How do I start loving and trusting myself? I have such a hard time with that. I don’t think I ever really have felt that, and I am not sure how.

    I actually started to let my ex-boyfriend back in. I made the mistake of sleeping with him, and all of my feelings came rushing back, which I never expected. I am the one who broke up with him, because although he was so sweet and kind and trustworthy and caring, I felt suffocated, and he was not independent enough. Now recently when I slept with him again, I found out the next night that he is dating another girl, which he neglected to tell me. Her and I actually talked, and he is not the person I thought he was. He is so different, lying and selfish. But now I feel even more lost and untrusting, because yet another person let me down. How do I stop these things from happening? I don’t know if I can deal with one more person letting me down.

  249.  #249Flipper on May 21, 2009 at 6:24 am

    Ebony, I also felt that what you did was just right and I’m sorry if that wasn’t clear – I guess I was trying to reinforce that by describing it. And then, as you seemed to feel afraid of saying anything, I was trying out some words that might feel good. Hugs.

  250.  #250Barb on May 21, 2009 at 6:29 am


    I think that trick is to not let ourselves down! I’m struggling with that myself, and I think that in the end, if we have respect for ourselves, and promise to stay faithful and true to ourselves,and who we are and what we want, then it all works out in the end.
    Its not always an easy thing to do either, but in the end you feel so much better abour yourself.

    I think that in our relationships we take a risk, but if we sit back and do nothing because were afraid, then we will be sitting on the sidelines watching life go by, instead of experiencing it. Its not fun to get hurt, but we learn by lifes lessons. Hopefully you’ll find you’re prince amongst all the frogs when you’re least expecting it. Hang in there!!!

  251.  #251Tracy on May 21, 2009 at 7:19 am

    I was in the exact same dilemma just a few months ago.I felt lost but recently i realised that for me to learn to trust other people i have to first learn to trust myself.I have to stop blaming and looking down on myself.I have to love the good and bad side of me.I Have to accept the hurt and frustrated part of me that feels let down and alone and embrace and love that part of was really a AHA Moment for me because each time i made a mistake or thought i was doing things wrong i would automatically shift to blaming myself,beating myself down and hating myself for what was happening.
    I feel that unless i accept all of me then i cannot really discover all my feelings and who i really i am.
    Every experience for me is a reflection of who i am inside so i choose to take it as a lesson to teach me to be more loving to myself…



  252.  #252Heather on May 21, 2009 at 9:21 am

    Hey there!
    I have been reading a lot about how my behaviors, words, etc affect my dating life. I have been one to chase men; and I read today that if I stand back; and stop; that men will come to me and chase me! WOW! I thought about how I can now live my life; and work on me; and STOP chasing men all the time; and that men will show up.
    One man has shown up. He chased me for a while and we started dating. We have been out on a few dates and he is fun to be around and very sincere. It’s nice to talk to him and just be myself.
    But recently; he told me that he has been talking to his ex-girlfriend (whom he hasn’t seen in 3 years). He still has feelings for her and wonders about being with her again. He has stated that she feels the same way. He has also told me that he likes to date me. (the ex-girlfriend lives out of state; while I live 45 minutes away from this man).
    I don’t know what to do here. He shows interest in me; but wonders and wants his ex as well.
    I am not desperate for this man; I know there are many other men out there. But I do like this man.
    So how do I keep him interested? Do I need to back away and go date others? Do I need to just do my own thing now and give him space and time to think?
    This man seems like he has some commitment phobias; he seems confused in his own right with women. So I know it’s not me; but I want to protect my heart in this. I want to do what’s right for ME.
    So where do I start?


  253.  #253T on May 21, 2009 at 9:42 am

    Thank you so much Tracy and Barb! I just feel so lonely and lost, so it really does help to know there are others out there who feel the same way and who are listening and care! I keep hearing people tell me to trust myself and love myself and respect myself, but HOW do I get there? I am totally lost on how to do that. How do I just totally accept and love myself? I don’t think I have low self-confidence/self-esteem, but obviously if this many people are saying this is what I need to do, it must be true. How do I do it? I think a part of this is that I rely so much on others for happiness, that when they let me down, especially romantic relationships, I feel so lonely and upset and depressed, almost to the point of being physically ill over it.

  254.  #254Kristen on May 21, 2009 at 10:10 am


    You sound like such a dear friend of mine who is going through the same thing…and something I have went through too many times as well. I agree with what Tracy says above about loving and trusting yourself. The thing was, I never knew how to do that. I would hear it, but not really know what it meant.

    And then I started to take a good, hard look at myself. My behaviors, thought processes, and saw how much I was TRYING TO DISTRACT MYSELF FROM MY OWN EMOTIONS by being in (how Rori puts it) “Masculine Energy.” I WASN’T incorporating my feelings into it at all. I felt like I needed to logically think out every situation to get an answer. And so, I never trusted myself because the ways that were supposed to “work” (logically, by what I was taught, “playing hard to get,” “not bringing up the commitment talk,” etc) and when they didn’t, I would blame myself and feel like there was no hope. But the truth was, that is a logical GAME that we are trying to play and men can FEEL when we are doing this. RORI TAUGHT ME THAT!! That and so much more of Rori’s advice has been SO helpful to me. I learned to lean back, trust my feelings, and TRULY NOT CARE about what each man was doing.

    Listening to my friends, family, etc. didn’t help at all. I had to learn to trust and believe in myself. Realize I was good enough to have a lasting, loving wonderful relationship.

    I hope this helps you! You can do it…you are already a modern siren inside 🙂



  255.  #255Tracy on May 21, 2009 at 12:05 pm

    For me i discovered that regonizing my feelings was a good place to start.I use them as a guide to help me discover more about myself.I am also discovering and accepting that i also need to participate inmaking myself happy.I always searched for others to make my life more interesting and fun and inthe end i still felt that something was missing.I focus now on enjoying myself and my company and doing activities that are fun for myself.I realize that i am responsible for my hapiness and so when ia am feeling sad i try and bring myself myself to feeling good again…I feel hopeful that with practise and effort it feels better to be able to take care of ourselves.

  256.  #256Cynthia on May 21, 2009 at 12:58 pm

    HI T.
    I’m not sure if we can recommend books here, but here goes. One that I have used daily and have learned so much about the love inside me that longs to share itself, as well as receive from others….Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships, by John Welwood. A must have for understanding and learning how ( there are many exercises in the back) to love ourselves and our partners, as well as understanding the ebb and flow of relationships and love.

  257.  #257patricia carney on May 21, 2009 at 1:32 pm

    hello rori again as all the women who have left you comments about being heartbroken and devestated by the way the men have treated them badely and unfairly well I was finding it really hard and diffucult lately with my exs betrayel of trust love respect trust disloyalty disrespectfull dishonesty disunderstanding discommitment issues disrelationship expert issues being unfair and selfish hurting my feelings being with her the wife behind my back he was really sweet caring loving and wonderful to me and now breaking my heart in shattered pieces how can I forgive him for what he did to me even though my best friend michelle ward from from cluny told me that me and him are having a affair becuase of his precious awful wife came along and stepped in to take him away from me in a non commitment understanding respectfull honest and trustworthy relationship that me and the ex andrew thompson had before we hooked up and clicked a few summers ago in spain we never dated or kissed once but we had our own memories of our summer romance bloosming before he planned the wedding for weeks there and before he got married to her the wife of his we were kind of a couple in love for a while now since I had a major cush on him ages ago and he was willing to make it work with me to make me happy but now my happiness is gone I will never that romantic love feeling with my ex again despite him cheating on me how can I tell his wife sinead o loughlin in limerick to back of from my man that I nearly had a great relationship with this is not doing me the wrold of good not trusting him I really want to try trusting him again and loving him but how can I be ready to take that step it is just wrecking my head completely how can I go to sleep at night thinking we should consider gettiing back together I have been really struggling with this for weeks now and I cannot seem to figure out why my ex is still with her and not me this is such a nightmare mess how can I possibly fix it all again by taking him back and starting all over fresh and new what will happen if we got back together what does this mean for me and him I was talking to all of my best friends about this guy and they seem to think I should leave him because of him cheating on me being with the wife and they dont like the way he is treating me should I listen to my friends or consider taking him back and all over again will that be a mistake because let me tell you this it feels like a love trinagle to me him mand her it feels so wrong not right at all what will I do to fix it all again with my ex please help me

  258.  #258patricia carney on May 21, 2009 at 1:34 pm


  259.  #259Wyndee on May 21, 2009 at 1:35 pm

    Hi T,

    In addition to what the other ladies have said I found the best way to trust again after having been burned is to have strong boundaries. If you have strong boundaries within yourself you will trust them and know they will keep you from harm. Learn what YOU will and won’t put up with, what YOU believe is important and how YOU want to be treated. If your boundaries are strong it will be much harder to be lead astray by someone who doesn’t have your best interests at heart. Good luck! 🙂

  260.  #260patricia carney on May 21, 2009 at 1:36 pm


  261.  #261Amanda on May 21, 2009 at 3:38 pm

    Rori, I must say …. your posts have helped me out and inspired me so much. You have no idea how much I appreciate them, along with the email newsletters.

    I’ve been dating my boyfriend for just over 2 and a half years, and somewhere along the line, I fell into overfunctioning. Badly. And, like many other girls, I was always trying to talk about what was going on in our relationship.

    When I first started reading through all of your posts, and then getting your Ebook, every single thing I read struck a chord in me. It was seriously as though I had written it. Anyway, so I started to lean back – a lot. I must say, I love it so much. It feels amazing! It’s actually pretty entertaining and funny, just how much my boyfriend falls into the ‘thrill of the chase’ category
    of men. Seriously! I can apply the lean back/come close theory to virtually every little thing… even to something small, such as when we’re lying in bed at night. A quick example: say we’re lying on our sides, facing each other. After a bit, he’ll roll onto his back, while I continue to lay on my side. I decide to roll away, onto my back. Literally the SECOND I roll away, he rolls towards me and pulls me close! I’m not going to lie, so many times, I’ve almost cracked up laughing, because I think of the leaning back. So thank you for that!

    I’m sorry I’m rambling, but I just had a quick question. I’ve followed your advice and have completely stopped trying to talk about the relationship, I focus on myself way more, and have been incorporating ‘feeling’ messages into any place I can whenever he and I speak.

    Now, here’s where I’m confused. We’ve been living together for a year now, and actually moved away to a different city together last month. Things are going great, I’m very happy, but I’ve also been ready to get engaged for quite some time now. I haven’t brought it up or spoken of anything related to the subject, since December of ’08. Whenever we’d speak of it before, it
    always wound up turning into an argument, with him just saying he wasn’t ready and he didn’t know when he would be. Then he’d say that it’s “not like he’s going to make me wait forever, so why worry.” He had every reason you could think of, that he feels too young, that he has to wait until he gets his finances in order, etc (for the record, I’m 24, he’ll be 24 in July).

    Eventually, as you can imagine, I simply just got fed up and started following all of your advice. I feel good. But now that we’ve moved away, the engagement thing is on my mind again. I just feel like if he KNOWS I’m the one he wants to marry, and he’s actually physically moved away with me, why can’t we get engaged? Like if he knows it’s a for sure thing, why wait? I don’t know, like I said, that’s how I personally feel. I understand that some would say we’re young, but we’re mature. We’re both done college and are starting our careers. I respect his
    reasons, that’s why I dropped the subject, so as to not add pressure. I’ve relaxed a ton, especially when I started using the tools in your Ebook and newsletters. I’m a confident woman, and I know what I want for myself. I’ve just been enjoying life and the relationship we have right now, in the present. I can appreciate how far we’ve come to date, we’ve overcome quite a bit together in the time we’ve been dating.

    But the strangest part of this whole thing, is that we’ve talked about when we want kids, etc. And we have the exact same timeline! We both want to be married for a couple years, then have kids…. and he said ideally, he’d want us to have kids around 27/28. I mean, these sorts of things take time… it’s like he doesn’t realize if he really wants that, these things would have to start happening soon (ie: get engaged). Now, I’ve pretty well thrown the whole ‘timeline’ thing out the window, as plans can change in life, so I’m not holding onto that TOO strongly. I just find it weird that we both want the same things, yet this seems to be a huge issue.

    So here’s my question (again, I apologize for the length of this). Should I bring it up to him in feeling messages? How would I go about that, if I should? Or should I just leave it be? I wanted to buy your Commitment Blueprint, but I can’t afford it… so that’s why I’m writing to you. I’ve heard other advice columnists say that a guy won’t propose unless you ‘require’ it of him (kind of like an ultimatum, but not quite… just letting him know that he’d lose you eventually if he doesn’t step up, or something along those lines)… but then other people say you just shouldn’t bring it up. Ever.

    Any thoughts? I’d love any advice you may have as to how I should go about this. God bless all that you do.

  262.  #262Rori Raye on May 22, 2009 at 12:33 am

    Heather, welcome, and this is all about Circular Dating. If you can date him and lots and lots of other men at the same time, and not get hung up on him – then continue to date him. If you can’t do that, if you’re hung up on him – then stop seeing him, because he’s making you second fiddle. Don’t allow that to happen. Love, Rori

  263.  #263T on May 22, 2009 at 4:56 am

    Thank you so much ladies for the advice! I am already starting to feel a little better, like there is hope! I just don’t think I know what it feels like to be truely happy, on my own, just completely with myself and my life. And I want that more than anything! And I feel like if I can do that, I will finally have an amazing, worthy, happy, healthy relationship.

    By the way, can someone please in detail explain circular dating? I have read all of the posts on it, but I still don’t really get it. Is it basically just being open to dating many guys at once, without really getting attached? How do you do it?

    Thanks! Much love.


  264.  #264Barb on May 22, 2009 at 5:20 am


    Have you ever heard of a vision board?

    I think that this might help you too. its a board that you make, and put it up somewhere that you can see it all the time.

    This is where you put everything that you want to find in your life!! Put it up, and when you see it everyday, it helps you to work towards those things.

    On Mine, I have lots of quotes… like today is the first day of the rest of my life…..True freedom ,starts with absoluye honesty……My spirit takes flight, I am fealress and free, to expres, to explore , to begin… to be me!!

    Peace, acceptance, joy strength, respect, self acceptance and so many more. whatever it is you feel you want ,then put it up!

    I have pictures of the car I want , the house and places that I want to travel too. The point is if we see it and live it ,it will come to us. Just like the book the Secret says.

    This has helped me and maybe it could work for you too.

    Its not easy and I still work at it everyday, and I still fall back into old patterns, but it gets easier with time, and a little bit easier to not be so hard on ourselves and to know that we just get back up, and keep going ,even when we don’t want to.

  265.  #265Cindy on May 23, 2009 at 12:59 pm

    RORI….ANYONE, PLEASE HELP…PLEASE!!!!! I really hope someone can help me. I have been so struggling with being secure in my relationship and blocking out the nasty voice. R has female friends and goes out with his buddies and attracts many women. He tells me I am the one and he wants no one else. Last night we ran into a female friend of his who always wanted to date him. He told me she was no longer into him and they were just friends. Turns out she is the same “friend” who owns a flower shop and sent his mom free flowers from him on Mother’s day. he never told me she was the flower shop girl. Anyway, we ran into her at a local bar. I was uncomfortable at first but we ended up hanging out with other people and playing pool. When we left I had to follow him since we had both of our cars. As I followed him she stumbled out of a mini van dropping stuff all over the ground and went running after his truck calling his name. He didn’t notice her and kept going. She then saw me in my car with the window open and said ” Just so ya know, I fucked him two weeks ago.” I called him on his cell immediately and he was infuriated. He tried to call her and she wouldn’t pick up the phone. We pulled over and talked for an hour and a half and he denied it completely. He said she is jealous and he has never touched the girl. Today he told me I have to trust him and she is not the friend he thought she was and he will never talk to her again.
    Needless to say, I am torturing myself and my nasty voice is getting the best of me. What do I do? Does it sound like he is lying and cheating? Our issues have been him shutting me out and not calling, so that;s what makes me think at those times he might go to someone else and stray. he completely denied it.

  266.  #266Barb on May 23, 2009 at 1:57 pm


    i know exactly what you’re going through right now, because I am going through the same thing, except my guy is long distance.

    The advice I get from everyone is to listen to you gut feelings. I did, and when I went on those feelings is when I found out about this other woman, whether it be freindship or more, he hid it from me. So , now I sit here wondering the same thing that you do, belive him or not.
    I guess the bottom line is if you trust him then you have to give him the benifit of the doubt. The other option is to not trust him and then where does that leave you in your relationship with him. It’s hard!!

    How has your relationship been otherwise as far as trust and honesty? I think that maybe thats a good place to start.

    Don’t get stuck in the snooping game, it just leads to lots of problems, I know!!! I ended up being more ashamed of myself doing what I was doing.

    In the end it wasn’t worth it!! I still don’t know the truth, and unless I want to spy on him or call her , all I have is what he tells me and wither I trust him and believe him, or I don’t and I drive myself and him crazy.

    If he’s truly a good guy and you feel like you really know him then listen to you heart. If you still have that guit feeling that he is you need to sit down with him and be honest about your feelings with him and try to talk it out.

    I’m sorry that you’re going through this, my heart goes our to you.


  267.  #267Daria on May 23, 2009 at 5:26 pm

    Cindy well that feels very painful and intense and would feel like totally throwing me off balance.

    I feel like I would want to share my feelings of desperation and insecurity with him (if they come up while he’s around or talking to me).

    I also would feel like even though I feel terrified and scared I will want to trust in Myself (and my attraction power and care for myself) and thus in him and what he says.

    Because if I don’t trust him deep inside I would want to share that too and really really lean back (until he practically have to chase me down and PROVE his trustworthyness/or not) and I would start dating other people.

  268.  #268LostinLove on May 24, 2009 at 4:30 pm

    Hi Cindy,
    I logged on to the blog this evening and saw your comment. This is just awful…..I was reading your post and so many emotions came up for me…because I have been through this with M, with his “girlfriends” in the past.

    First of all, my heart goes out to you. It is difficult to even share any insight for what happened. I know. In my experience once, I was so outrageously angry at M taking his ex girlfriend to an event, that I completely let him have it and all through the night I felt literally that my blood was boiling. I have never been so deeply in the seat of anger than that time. My skin was actually RED and I remember beating on the bed, wanting to kill him. Because I felt so betrayed. I felt so angry that he kept anything at all from me. I tried so hard to build trust between us, when he took it for granted.

    I will tell you…the ONLY thing that worked for me with M and his “women” was…not caring. Truly not caring, and it was at that time after this event, that I actually hit upon Rori’s seminar. Because I was SO ANGRY–M was string along all these other women as well as me, and I just couldn’t deal with it. The nicer I was about it, the more he took me for granted. But I didn’t want to lose him! So I “went along” with it until that one night, my body literally exploded all my emotions. And after that, I knew it was over. After that, I told myself, damnit I’m going to learn something from this relationship. And I came to Rori’s stuff not trying to save or fix anything, but trying to understand what went wrong….and miraculously, we got back together again and all the women disappeared. They really did. To this day, I’m not exactly sure what it was except that I remember just feeling strong.

    I’m rereading what happened and it’s clear she wants to attract him. But also, if it’s possible and I know it’s hard to step away and look at the situation, don’t worry so much about her “chasing him”. Because that’s what she’s doing. With buying the flowers, with literally chasing his truck. Women who chase men are NOT ATTRACTIVE to men. This is one simple thing I learned that helped me SO MUCH when I was dealing with so much jealousy with M, and it was the reason why all the other women suddenly disappeared. I remember when all these women kept calling M, and I got so anxious thinking they’d suck him in and he’d forget me and, worst of all, he’d be out having fun and I wouldn’t be there, he’d forget me…and I just had to have faith that I was doing the right thing by NOT chasing him, not calling. Trust me, I DID worry…but I just wrote and wrote and wrote all my feelings down instead of calling him. Even though it seems counter intuitive, I was doing the right thing and creating more emotional attraction between us. And…I was RIGHT.

    So first of all, she can buy all the gifts she wants for R. It will not make R feel anything for her. It will just do the opposite, and what he said to you about her being jealous. He already sense she’s trying to chase him down. What YOU have to do is not feel threatened by her. That’s what she was trying to do! Do you think she said what she did to you because she wanted you to know? No…she wanted you to get in a massive fight with R, lop his head off, so he could come to her. Because YOU have the emotional connection with him, not her. She’s trying to destroy your confidence, not only in what you two have, but in yourself, too.

    You are a STRONG woman. You have been through so much with this relationship. I know it’s difficult for you because it doesn’t seem useful, but it really does affect the relationship if you spend some time visualizing in your mind yourself and how you can deal with situations. Like with this woman, visualize standing up to her, in a strong, feminine way, where you don’t even have to attack her because you just know your own worth as a woman. This helps SO MUCH with the jealously issue and God knows, that has been one of my thorns in my relationship. Even today, when I don’t hear from M, unless I really STOP myself and say “Okay, what am I feeling?” and focus just on that, I’ll start thinking, “Where is he? Has he met someone? Why hasn’t he called? Is there someone else?” and it’s all because of this past of many women. And seriously, you really have to discipline your mind, because when I don’t, and I think “Oh well, it’s okay just to think about it as long as I don’t bring it into the relationship”, sooner or later it explodes as I start to feel worse. It comes out. You have to either enjoy exactly what you have right now in the relationship, or ASK for what you do want. And PLEASE REMEMBER, the relationship that you have, has absolutely NOTHING to do with anyone else.

    It is the hardest thing to understand, but it’s true, that your relationship cannot be influenced by other people. Other people can influence YOU or HIM, and then either you or him create a change, but they cannot change the relationship themselves because they are actually not a part of it.

    YOU are a gift to this man, and he knows it. You have to believe it, and when you do, at some point you will be so energized by this faith in yourself that you will be able to ask him for what you want, and he’ll be there to give it to you.

  269.  #269rebeka on May 24, 2009 at 10:40 pm

    dear all,

    is there a post for ‘taking a break’ advice? i was the one who decided to take the break. something is always more important.. and while i know he loves me, i am just not getting what i need from this relationship in order to feel good.

    he said that he cannot always be there for me, and that i should find someone who can… which felt like daggers in the heart, because he is basically pushing me into another mans arms… so thats when i said we should take a break. i told him to call me if he decided that i was worth it, and he said -if thats what you want….
    i responded that all i want is you, but i want the you that wants me too… and that was it…

    i wish i could say that i felt good about what i did, but honestly i am crying. and every minute that goes by that he does not call feels very painful. and i feel very scared that he will not call.

    anyways, i am just looking for advice,

  270.  #270Faith on May 25, 2009 at 6:40 am

    What is the best way to communicate to a man that you are going to circular date until you have a commitment? Some men have an expectation of exclusivity from the beginning without a discussion about it. For example, I met a guy online I really liked. He told me that he wasn’t dating anyone nor emailing other women. I told him that I was still dating although no one seriously. He didn’t seem to have a problem with that. He said he wanted to take things slow and get to know each other on the phone before we meet in person. A few weeks later he sent a copy of my online ad to my email (without a response from him about it). I assume he was upset with me because my ad was still posted. I emailed him back and asked why he would be upset since we never met in person let alone had a discussion about exclusivity. He didn’t respond and I haven’t heard from him. Should I be more clear to men I meet online that I have no plans on being exclusive until there is a commitment even though the discussion of exclusivity has not come up in conversation? Why would a man be upset with me for keeping my options open when I haven’t even met the guy?

  271.  #271Cindy on May 25, 2009 at 2:46 pm

    Thank you everyone who responded.
    LostinLove, I was so relieved to see you back and responding to me in my time of need! I really struggled with believing him…that it didn’t happen. Especially because I then found out that he got a text from her that same night saying “lose my number” . So I told him that it sounded like he did something to her….possibly they had something going and then he showed up with me and gave her the cold shoulder. So I was right back to square one wondering if he did sleep with her. He was very short with me yesterday and didn’t want to discuss it anymore…very mean on the phone and said he’s done talking about it. Until he went to his friend’s house and talked to his friend’s fiance who gave him a woman’s perspective as to how much pain I was going through and he needs to be there for me. So he called and apologized and said it was killing him that I was in pain and crying about something that could never happen. He told me he would never hurt me. But I know…when he doesn’t pick up the phone, respond to a text.. I will be thinking and wondering with knots in my stomach. How do I get past this?


  272.  #272Lu on May 25, 2009 at 8:52 pm

    I have been in a relationship for all most 2 years. From the get go he said he never wanted to get married again.He was married 20 years, and it was a horrible marriage. Well, I guess I just didn’t believe him and one mentioned that I would like to get maried. Everything changed. We have broken up and gotten back together. He is hot one minute and cold the next. He tells me me I mean the world to him, and that I know he loves me. I caught him hiding our picture from his step daughter, not once but twice. Of corse he lied and I knew he was. I finally said no more lying , no more or we are done. I like the little things from him. I like to talk to hime each day. When he has his son he forgets me on those wednesdays and every other weekend. No calls. I used to come over to his place on Sundays after he had his son and on Wednesdays as well. He stopped asking me. I have told him that he can call me on those days, if only briefly. Last week, after he told me he would not forget me on Wedneday. He did. On Thursday I talked to him and aksed him why? He had no comment. We had a fight and we were done. He wanted his key and Iwanted my stuff. I called him and left him a mesage that he used me, he called back and left me a message about all the times that he has helped me, . He said he was done. Didnt want to explain anymore. I went over tohis house that night, and just went to sleep with him. I woke in the morning, and told him I didnt want my stuff, and I wasn’t done yet. We had a great weekend together. I kind of felt he didnt want to see me on Sunday, he did call, but I didnt answer until today at 11.30. We were suppose to get together around 730 pm,.I called and said I am driving home, if I dont hear from you by the time I reach my turn off on the interstate, I’m going home. He called back, he was at the exes getting he house ready to get sold, said he was just finishing up, ahd to get some sheets, If I wanted to wait for him, he would be there shortly, and we could spend about an hour an a half before he had to go to bed. I thought. I am not waiting anymore. I need to be a higher priority. So I went home did not return the message and shut off my phone. I have been married 3 times and initiated the divorce all 3 times. When I was done I was done. I don’t know if I am trying to stick this out because of my record, or I am just stupid. There is so much more to tell, I am sure you would think I am stupid. I tell you though, I am funny, cute and smart. I am 48 with the body of a 20 year old, mostly. I have friends, he does not. I don’t know what to do. If I would tell you all the crappy things he has done, you would say, get the heck out of that relationship. My kids like him, but not how he treats me. I am definetly chasing him, which is something I have never done with a man. I have opportunities for dates, but we are exclusive. However I have went out on dates so to speak. I have goten your program, tried it out, and it didn’t work for me. I even tried Christians. Please help. Dumping him won’t work. He has good qualities, we have so many things in common. We have a great time when we are together, always.
    Thanks Lu

  273.  #273Cindy on May 26, 2009 at 8:04 am

    I am so messing this whole relationship up. I hope someone can help. I am spiraling out of control with my distrust and feeling so incredibly insecure about myself. After the incident over the weekend it just fueled my self esteem issues / insecurities. I met R last night at this local biker bar (not my scene at all, but he has a new bike and knows the owner). When I pulled up he was outside talking to this half dressed blonde Pamela Anderson type. I couldn’t control myself. After the girl went inside, after him introducing me to her…I just gave it to him. Asking if this is his new hook up and did he get her number. He was patient with me, but I really screwed up.
    Ya see, earlier in the day I saw him at this same bar outside and tried to call him but he didn’t pick up
    the phone. I didn’t want to just intrude and go there assuming he’d want me to join in and have a drink. Because he didnt pick up the phone, I assumed he was there with someone.
    At the bar with him later on in the night when he was talking to some other people and left me sitting at the bar for a while, I just got up…yelled across the bar that I had to go and left. He chased me down in the parking lot and said I made him look like an idiot (well, actually something worse). Is he fueling my insecurities with all of this or is it just me?
    I mean we have the Friday night incident (in my earlier post), the fact he doesn’t always answer my calls or respond to texts and the blonde at the bar.
    How strong can I possibly be?? Does he deserve my trust???????? I am truly falling apart.

  274.  #274Sunnygirl on May 26, 2009 at 11:26 am

    Cindy, please please please get a grip on yourself, and I say this with the utmost respect and understanding for you. I have been in many situations like yours, and have handled it much the same way you are, but I have found it never got me anywhere, maybe for the time being, but after a while he will get tired of it, and he will stop running after you. I know how hard it is to just let it go and concentrate on yourself, BUT in this situation your best chance to see what he is worth and preserve your self esteem is to date, or just flirt and be in the presence of other men, your friends, and family. Do things for yourself, shop, have lunch with the girls, go see bands, concerts, movies, and anywhere that there are men. And please just stop calling him and texting him, it will only make you look needy. IF he is an asshole you will find out and maybe by then you will have so many other options you won’t give a fig. As hard as this is to accept… all the calling, and spying, and storming out will not keep him from cheating on you IF that is what he is doing, we don’t know that he is, but YOU are coming unglued and he knows it, you need to regain your composure, and be different from all the other low life women who throw themselves at him, that’s what he will remember about you. He may actually be getting a real thrill out of you showing jealousy, and if that’s the case then he is a jerk and good riddance, in the mean time don’t give him that pleasure at your expense.

    Aren’t you tired of all this drama??? Give yourself a break from it, only good will come from that all the way around.

  275.  #275Cynthia on May 26, 2009 at 2:54 pm

    I really appreciated your comments to Cindy. Great for all of us to remember…I have been there, and will never go back. What I find tricky is standing my ground, not abandonning myself, and that may mean not approaching my ex ( who recently broke up with me and is now having his fun with someone half his age), and at the same time, wanting to soften and stay open, even though i know he is very immature and I believe this was a toxic relationship, I still have deep feelings for him. I don’t want to lead him on, or chase after him, and I don’t want to put a barrier up to him either, realizing he is suffering like the rest of us. I find it confusing to deal with all of these feelings…( he recently emailed me when I did not initiate a hello at a party…I have chosen to not return the email…there was no invitation to do so…he simply wanted to try and make me feel bad that I didn’t say hello to him)…I guess I’m rambling about how hard it can be to hold all of this, and it’s good to be reminded to just take a big breath, and a bigger perspective at that,,,and relax. It’s all ok.

  276.  #276Sunnygirl on May 26, 2009 at 3:59 pm

    Cynthia, I so relate to everything you wrote, and I feel the same way. It feels hard to stand your ground, but it’s even harder, I feel, to not close off to other possibility. Like you I feel devastated (still). I’m dating a great guy now who I’m very attracted to, yet I still have very deep feelings for my ex, and what’s hard about it is that this is the only time this has happened to me, I have always been able to get over men fairly easy and move on. That’s not happening now and it’s freaking me out, I still dream about him which just makes things worse when I wake up because then he’s on my mind all day. Worse still is like you I know my ex is in a depression, and is in a very toxic relationship with someone who reminds him of his mother…wonderful.
    This site and all the great ladies that post here are a huge help to keep me somewhat grounded, so yeah we all need to take a deep breath and just be.

  277.  #277Cindy on May 26, 2009 at 6:14 pm

    I really want this to work out with R and I am so afraid it’s not going to. We bicker all the time. How do I know if it’s a toxic relationship?

  278.  #278TW on May 26, 2009 at 6:19 pm

    Girl pull yourself together… men love attention whether it is good or bad and you are giving R exactly what he wants. I remember you telling us that he is always the one reassuring you that you are the one that he wants to be with. Your NV is telling you whatever it is you want to hear because you are insecure about your place in his life. You really need to focus more on you and less on him and his actions or lack thereof. As far as I can read back you only THINK he did something wrong. Snooping around and following him is not hurting him it is hurting you in the end. Please focus more on making you happy and then I feel the bickering will stop because you will be in a happier place you know.

    Love You

  279.  #279Cynthia on May 26, 2009 at 6:46 pm

    HI Cindy
    I feel the franticness in your voice and can totally relate. Sometimes when I get so attached to the outcome of a situation being a certain way, this is a warning flag for me to step back and realize I may not actually know what is best for me in the given situation. Like Rori says, there is nothing wrong with experimenting. Why not take a deep breath, tell yourself you can do this, and refrain from contacting him for even a couple of days. This may seem like an eternity for you, but what would feel more like an eternity is if he left for good. Many of us on this blog have experienced what giving our man some space can provide. Not only does he actually get a chance to miss you, but you get a chance to take a fresh perspective. Remember, he is not the only fish out there! I would suggest that opening up to everyone! you meet whether it is the cashier, or the elderly person down the block, will allow you to get a larger perspective than this frantic moment is offering. So you get some space, he gets to miss you, and then you get to see what happens. It does not hurt to try, and you know one thing, that what your currently doing is NOT WORKING, and especially for YOU! If we want different results we must do something(s) differently.

  280.  #280Cynthia on May 26, 2009 at 7:14 pm

    Cindy and Everyone else for that matter! I highly recommend going to itunes if possible and pulling up Gloria Gaynor’s “I will survive!” Crank it on your stereo and belt it out! We are all going to make it!!!

  281.  #281Cindy on May 26, 2009 at 8:18 pm

    Cynthia, Sunnygirl…and TW…So happy to see you here TW!! Thank you for your support and encouragement. I do focus way too much on R and know what I have to do. The problem is putting it into practice. When I am feeling strong and good about things, it seems something always happens to make me insecure again. The worst thing with R is his wanting space and sometimes shutting me out which makes me desperate for his attention. Although, I have made some improvement in not contacting him. I called him this morning just to make sure he got home safely on his new motorcycle…he never texted me last night after our argument like I asked him to. I did nothing all day and he called a little while ago…10:00 p.m. my time. He apologized for us arguing and I apologized for my behavior too. I need to learn to control my N.V. and desperate needy behavior so as not to make the situation and the fights go out of control. But when you are in the midst of so much pain it’s so hard to do. Almost impossible.
    & T.W. I really don’t believe he ever touched that nasty low life girl. She was trying to make us fight and break us up. The worst part was how he handled it…which was not as sensitive as I would have liked. But he did come to that realization and try to see it from my perspective. He was just upset that I gave it any thought at all. R is a very good looking man and women will always want him. I don’t love him because of his looks. I love him because of who he is and our amazing connection. I have to work on being secure in myself and believing I deserve his love. That’s the tough part for me. Especially when I take his lack of calling, his “space” as rejection. I have all the thoughts that LostinLove expressed in her earlier post. All the “what ifs”. I really hope and pray I get a hold on my reactions and behavior before it is too late and I lose him for good.

  282.  #282Cynthia on May 26, 2009 at 8:33 pm

    This sounds so much like the relationship that I have been in ( he ended it). A couple things I want to remind you of…you are his lover.. NOT his mother….no need to check in on him. Also, remember you are exactly perfect and beautiful just the way you are…no need to sell yourself to this man. He just really wants to see you have feelings but that you are a woman who can manage them. I fell into the trap of needing to do everything just right, lean back, say all feeling things, let him make every move….while these are all so important, we can’t lose touch with the beautiful authentic women we are, and allow ourselves to flow…this is what attracted them in the first place. It’s good you are noticing to put the focus back on you and make yourself the center of your world, not him.. Men are supposed to add value to our lives, not take away from it. When he retreats, this is your time to really enjoy the luxury of alone time…my ex did this constantly and I just couldn’t deal with it…I just felt so anxious…so I can really relate to that. I am now really digging into my own life, even though I thought I was during the relationship, I can now see it was more of a tactic to keep things going,…for he was always the center. It takes a lot of discipline and courage to keep coming back to ourselves, and I know you can do it.

  283.  #283Cindy on May 27, 2009 at 1:08 pm

    Cynthia –
    Thank you so much for your words of advice and support. It is very, very difficult…especially when he retreats. That is a real biggie because it makes me more insecure. I went to my therapist today and she definitely thinks that R feeds into my insecurities. She doesn’t think he should have a problem reassuring me. But all the tools on this site seem to go against looking for reassurance from your man, right?
    I easily get down on myself and feel he might find someone better or younger or more suited to him. But we really have this amazing connection that neither of us has had before. That has to be worth something.
    It’s going to take a lot of discipline like you said, to change my ways and step back and not always want his reassurance or love. I guess we have to wait for them to want to give us love and affection.
    I don’t know if I can always be “light” like Rori suggests because some days I am downright dark. We have so many sides to us and is it really genuine to always try to be light and fun especially if you aren’t feeling it.
    When I talked to R last night I told him I have no idea why I stormed out of the bar. I can’t even explain my actions. All I can think of is that I was downright angry about everything I went through this past weekend. Taking Rori’s advice, we are allowed to be angry and express it so it doesn’t blow up.
    I just wish I had a text/call replacement for him. Someone who truly understands and I could text or call in his place.
    I am so sorry that your boyfriend ended it. How long were you together and what finally caused it to end? I live in fear of that. I am so afraid to lose him. But fear is no good either.

  284.  #284Rori Raye on May 27, 2009 at 1:21 pm

    Lu, Welcome, and thank you for your story. I don’t believe you’ve been Circular Dating, or applying the Tools on a moment-to-moment basis, or you’d have some experiences and results to share (please let us know the details if you have). It’s impossible to follow my programs (and Christian Carter’s too) and STILL be “chasing” any man. This is the place to learn how to do Circular Dating it and get the support for it. You have much healing to do, and chasing a man will only damage you more. The opposite of chasing is “running” – and that’s what you do when you’re not chasing (We ALL do this – I just want you to look squarely at what’s really going on, here – so you can move forward) You can pull yourself out of this bouncing pattern…Love, Rori

  285.  #285Rori Raye on May 27, 2009 at 1:26 pm

    Rebeka, Welcome – and you’ve come to the right place. The answer here for you is to Circular Date – (it’s usually the best answer, and then you use all my other Tools – all of them – while you Circular Date). If you’re dating more than one man at a time, all this dramatic breaking up and breaks are unnecessary. You’re just busy living your own life and having the best time you possibly can. For now, get your focus off this man. If you’re up for a program (after the ebook) I’d suggest Targeting Mr. Right – you sound to me like finding men who want to be with you is not your problem – but allowing yourself to revel in all the possibilities, and focus on YOURSELF is a real challenge. Love, Rori

  286.  #286Rori Raye on May 27, 2009 at 1:35 pm

    Cindy – you’re going about this the right way. Feeling your feelings and expressing them before you take ACTION…you will feel so much more powerful when you start experiencing SPEAKING the truth – slowly, baby-steps. When you’re feeling insecure – ask yourself about your anger, process it all (riff) somewhere by yourself, and at the beginning, write down some of the ways you can express this…”When that happened, I felt…” Love, Rori

  287.  #287Cynthia on May 27, 2009 at 2:22 pm

    Hi Cindy
    I would offer a couple of things. I have learned that looking for reassurance or validation from others is a dead end street if we are hoping that that will prove that we, as an individual, have value. A true sense of value can only come from us providing our own reassurance through work, such as therapy, which helps us get in touch with our own sense of worth, ( if its not accessible right now) The reassurance that comes as a result of a mature relationship is icing on the cake and not be “needed” to make our day. As far as feelings go, I would also say that it is my experience that there is a difference between needing to share all of your feelings, and staying with the energy of your feeling ( without the storyline, if possible)….often just sitting with this discomfort, breathing, having compassion for yourself and all the others who are in the same place as you, will dissipate the strong urge to DO something about it. Usually, it is our own stuff, that makes us feel what we feel, and our partners just trigger it.
    Last and not least, circular dating could help tremendously with all of this. Even though I would describe the connection between my man and I as having been “extremely unique and special”, he was not offering any comitment, nor willing to work on our issues together, this over 4 years of intense love and difficulty. In looking back, I wish I had said, ” I hear what you’re saying about not being able to offer a comitment, and so I’d like to keep my options open, and see other men as well as you.” It may not work for him right away, but believe me, give it a week or two and he will be running after you! If he doesn’t, he unfortunately was not worth it. If I could have done anything different, that would have been it. Just remember, no matter how special he feels to you right now, it doesn’t sound like the current dynamic you’re experiencing is satisfying to you…so it may be hard to think of letting him go, but what do you really want? Take care of yourself first, and go out and meet some new guys!

  288.  #288Wyndee on May 28, 2009 at 5:52 am

    Hi Cindy,

    Cynthia is absolutely right about looking for reassurance from others being a dead end. Do whatever it takes to get the love and acceptance you need FOR yourself FROM yourself. Make yourself your project–one of the things that helped me (and I am in a similar situation as you: younger good looking man who women throw themselves at, I have children he doesn’t, and all the insecurities I let come along with that) anyway one thing that helped me NOT text or call was to type out a list of things I was going to do instead (I know that sometimes you just have to DO something lol)

    Take a walk, ride a bike, go to the movies, take a bubble bath, read a great novel, knit a scarf. Bake a cheesecake, watch something funny on you tube, call your best friend. Plan a trip! Rediscover your passion for life and the uniqueness that makes you, you. The point is to stop focusing on him, and turn that focus to yourself and what make you happy/distracted. Discipline yourself to do one thing on your list, then another and another until the urge to call or text passes. You are too busy enjoying yourself to worry about calling or texting any man. 😉

  289.  #289Wyndee on May 28, 2009 at 5:57 am

    When I started focusing on my own pleasure in life it completely changed the dynamics in my relationship. Now instead of worrying about what he is doing or thinking, who he is with, who is that girl etc. I am seriously wondering if he is the man for me. I am no longer wondering ‘does he want me, why does he want me, should I do this or that so he wants me’ and all the other go-nowhere thoughts BUT the biggest thing in my mind right now is ‘Do I want HIM???’ I honestly don’t know but that is a whole ‘nother issue.

  290.  #290Cindy on May 28, 2009 at 8:54 am

    Cynthia & Wyndee –

    Well last night was sort of the icing on the cake. R called and said he was meeting his female friend M for a beer (he is moving into an apartment in her house shortly). Me is married and he tells me is like a sister to him and nothing more. I just felt like this was a big blow after the weekend. When is he going to put me first or make me feel special.
    I wasn’t too cool about him meeting M and he got upset and said I was bringing him down. Despite this he did call me twice last night and this morning.
    We have tentative plans for tonight butmy mood completely sucks and I don’t know how I can be positive around him. I think he might just sense my attitude and it will get us into yet another argument.


  291.  #291LostinLove on May 28, 2009 at 9:10 am

    Cindy, hi,

    How long have you been seeing your therapist?

    This is really important. I have to admit that I started seeing a therapist last year after physcially becoming sick with my emotions in the relationship. And it was really beneficial at first. I felt like I was being listened to and it felt very comforting when I truly did need the support.

    But–and this may not be true for you, although what you said about her advice with R concerns me–after a few months, as my therapist began to understand my relationship, he began to subtly make my relationship WRONG! He made it appear that M wasn’t “doing the job” and….I have to say, I’m very intuitive so I could just sense that wasn’t right for me. I sensed that even though my therapist may have meant well, he also didn’t understand that this relationship and it’s heartaches, learnings, joys, and sorrows, were something I need to go through.

    I didn’t really consciously think my therapist could influence my actions, but I can tell you, the relationship suffered and I suffered from this conflict he was creating in me. And I wrote in my journal as one of my “wants” one evening, that I wanted to stop seeing him. Because, even IF he was right…it wasn’t right for me right now. So I called him and told him I needed a break. Therapy is really good life-support, but we extend our welcome with it and start confusing ourselves. The relationship and my happiness have been much much better without someone else bring any more negative energy into the equation–or any SHOULDS, whether for me or for M.

    Anyway, just wanted to share this, because everyone in life is trying to make you doubt your intuition, when it’s only you that really knows what’s best for you, however “wrong” it seems to anyone else. I really think you can do this, and get through your fears. And then when you are in a better place, you can decide whether you want R’s relationship or not. But right now, it’s almost impossible to even know what’s best until you go through the fire. I don’t believe in abandoning love until it is completely gone. Because if you do, you leave a part of yourself behind.

    How do you not screw this up? Rori’s tools do work in the right headspace, and like some other lovely ladies mentioned, try something different. Try setting a boundary for YOURSELF not to call. That when you feel bad, you stay alone with yourself and experience giving up control….it will make the relationship BETTER!

  292.  #292LostinLove on May 28, 2009 at 9:27 am

    The only way to change your attitude is to really change your thoughts. And I have a really good way of doing this that works for me. Your mind right now is overloaded with all the negative experiences (actually, the negative interpretation of what happened) lately. It’s dwelling on that. And it will come out in your mood for sure, no matter who/what is in front of you.

    What you have to do is let it go. Easier said than done. The way to “ease” into it, is to get out a completely blank piece of printer paper, curl up on a coach or somewhere you feel relaxed, and just write out some experiences you remember of you and R when you felt good. It’s a visualization, so the more into the details you can recall, the better it will work. Like a time you went somewhere together. Try to remember from the first moment you walked in the door to the moment you said goodbye. The memory is going to bring back good feelings. It won’t completely stop the fears and bad feelings because your thought pattern for the last few days has really ingrained it into your mind, but it will break the cycle.

    This really works for me. And don’t beat yourself up if things aren’t perfect tonight, because neurologically it does take 3 days to rewire any thought pattern in the mind and this has been a week full of experiences your mind is trying to convince you that confirm your deepest fears. In reality, although you can’t see it, it not necessarily true. And remember that you are not in ANY position to make a decision one way our the other about “the relationship.” So all you have to do tonight is RELAX.

  293.  #293Cindy on May 28, 2009 at 9:31 am

    Thank you so much. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes because you are being so kind and understanding. Right now I have nothing but bad, negative feelings and doubts. I keep thinking of everything that happened and even the blonde at the biker bar.
    Last night I brought her up too and he said “would you have made an issue if she was overweight and not attractive?” Now all I can think of is that he thought she was attractive and he will be hanging out there on a regular basis with her.
    All I can think of is that he doesn’t want me, love me or have any use for me and I just make him miserable.


  294.  #294LostinLove on May 28, 2009 at 9:59 am

    I so understand, Cindy. But I think it is so interesting that as much as you doubt R, he continues to show you that he not only cares about you very much, but realizes the ridiculousness of being attracted to a woman just for her looks. In his own words he is exposing the inconsistency of they way you think.

    M is an extremely attractive, intelligent, dynamic man and not only that, he is in the entertainment industry. So I KNOW exactly how you feel. There are many times that I catch myself thinking I’m not enough for him. And then I go back and have to tell myself, “Wait a second, what I give him IS unique. Because I am giving him this RELATIONSHIP. And what he needs from me is actually my feminine energy. That’s why I am special and that is why he loves me. Because what I have, no one else has–and on top of that I have the commitment to make it work.”

    You know why we feel this way? Because we are mistaking what it is a man is attracted and drawn to. We think it’s our looks, our personality, or voice…and all of those things are an outward expression of what they love.

    R is calling you, being with you, chasing you because he just loves you. And you don’t have to “DO” anything to make that happen but just be happy. It’s your essence that he connects to. You can’t see it because you are hard on yourself. No big deal! We all are!

    Okay, so what if he really does end up hanging around this girl at the bar? Think about it, if he’s planning on doing that, it’s already in his head regardless. You can’t control it–and why would you want to? What you REALLY want is for HIM to WANT to be with you instead. So think about it…how could you do this EVEN IF he was hanging with this other woman? You do it with these tools here and doing it authentically. And I know it doesn’t make sense that they work, but THEY DO. I can guarantee you, I thought there was no way on earth to connect with M after so many years of having this wall between us and all the women and all the problems. I told myself, that even though doing this stuff felt weird, I’d be brave and just do it. I had nothing to lose. And it worked. If it worked with M, it works with any man.

    But in order to do this, you have to stop beating yourself up. I know it doesn’t “make sense” but you have to trust that he cares about you right now to get past the insecurity. And this is FAITH. Relationships are built on faith, which by it’s definition is something you have to believe without knowing.

  295.  #295Cindy on May 28, 2009 at 10:52 am


    I am on the verge of texting him that I can’t handle him being around this woman and the whole relationship is too much for me. Too damn painful. I wish I had someone to talk me down. I can’t control my feelings right now.

  296.  #296LostinLove on May 28, 2009 at 11:10 am

    Cindy, do NOTHING. You aren’t in a position to make a decision on the relationship and jealousy is a really bad indicator of the value of your relationship.

    If you want to contact me, I am more than happy to give you an email and you could call if you like. I know exactly what you are going through. You are just spiraling because of the mental build up. Can you call your therapist or a girlfriend/family member just to talk to? People are more than willing to help when they know you’re need. You are probably so giving that you usually don’t ask for much help from others. Don’t feel stupid just calling someone because they actually appreciate it.

    You don’t have to do anything until you are ready. Don’t act on these fears. I know it is SO HARD. You just have to take this tiny baby step and stop yourself just this once.

  297.  #297Cindy on May 28, 2009 at 11:20 am


    None of my friends really understand what I am dealing with right now, let alone about Rori’s tools. I would like to take you up on e-mailing you/talking if you don’t mind. Thanks


  298.  #298Amanda on May 28, 2009 at 11:29 am

    So I haven’t gotten any advice on my previous post (totally cool), but I was debating giving this little speech to my boyfriend. Any thoughts/tips/advice as to how I should deal with my situation would be greatly appreciated!

    The Speech:

    I feel that we’re at a stage now where we should be able to talk about our future in a concrete, not just “someday” kind of way. We’ve been together for over 2 and a half years, have lived together for a year, have now physically moved away together, and we haven’t spoken about getting engaged for months.

    I’ll be honest, I haven’t brought it up out of fear, as well as frustration, but I will admit that it has been on my mind. And I feel like we should be able to discuss this calmly, and that it is important for us to talk about.

    I don’t need an exact time from you or anything, but it would be nice to be able to say/think of it happening within this year, or next year. And I’m not even talking be married by that time, just engaged. I feel upset and uncertain when the only responses I get from you are “I’m not ready and I don’t know when I will be. But I will be someday…” It honestly scares me and makes me
    question our relationship. Which, at this stage, I really don’t think I should be doing that. I think we should be able to discuss this like the adults that we are. What do you think?

    And that’s it. Thanks guys, you all give such good advice on this site.

  299.  #299LostinLove on May 28, 2009 at 11:41 am

    Cindy, here is an email I just created, email me your ph # and I’ll give you a ring and make sure you are alright.

  300.  #300Rori Raye on May 28, 2009 at 1:14 pm

    Wyndee, Brava to you!

  301.  #301Sunnygirl on May 28, 2009 at 1:36 pm

    Cindy, another thing that may help is to do some mental visualization, it may help put you in a better frame of mind. Try this….relax then imagine yourself standing in front of your sweety, then see some girl walk up to him…then instead of reacting the way we normally feel compelled to do just stand your ground and do nothing, now smile at him, relax your arms and open your hear to him, then slowly turn away from him. Now standing in front of you are dozens of great looking men all vying for your attention.. Now imagine your boyfriend ignoring the other girl and giving all his attention to get yours…The other girl just stands there embarrassed as he walks TOWARDS you and AWAY from her.

    Every time you feel the urge to text him or you feel insecure try that and see if it works.

  302.  #302Faith on May 28, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    Hi Cindy,

    Try to fixate on what you want and drown out any negative thoughts or feelings with what you do not want. If you fixate on bad feelings, you will only get more of it. I know it’s hard to get out of the funk you’re feeling. Write a list of things you enjoy doing; then go and do them! Start focusing on “you,” take care of “you.” Make a plan of fun activities to keep yourself busy and having fun… you won’t have time to think about R! You will be having much more fun! Sunnygirl had an excellent suggestion regarding the mental visualization. Have you considered leaning back and start circular dating?

    What if you were talking to a good looking guy and R was angry at you for talking this guy? How would that make you feel? If you think about it, it would feel icky to have a guy hassling you about everyone you talk to. I used to have an ex husband that was extremely jealous and I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone without getting grief about it. I was always being accused of doing things I didn’t do. I couldn’t stand my ex husband and couldn’t wait to leave him. I resented him. Once you start focusing on yourself and let go of what he is doing, the pressure he is feeling will dissipate and he will either be a man and claim you, or he won’t claim you and you will find a better man! Either way it’s a win-win situation. Texting him threats that you are leaving him will only keep the drama and negative feelings going.

    I do feel that there is some hope with R since he calls you and it sounds like he does want to make it work, otherwise he wouldn’t contact you period. The question is, is this guy good enough for you? Don’t think how you don’t measure up and how you’re not good enough, these are lies you are telling yourself. Start brainwashing yourself good stuff! Look in the mirror everyday and tell yourself how beautiful you are and compliment yourself. That may be hard but after awhile you will start believing it!

    I hope it works out for you!

  303.  #303Flipper on May 28, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    Hi Amanda,

    I remember there was a post or two from Rori with just this sort of conversation, unfortunately I couldn’t find it (not in Communication Section – the only one I had time to go thru). Maybe someone else remembers where that was?

    I can feel all your yearning to feel reassured and have a firm commitment from what you tell us and just being able to put myself in your shoes. And yet in the ‘speech’, I see more explanations and trying to reassure or second-guess Him than feeling messages about you. I wish I could help you more about tweaking it in that direction. I believe we do say something like “You can take all the time you need to make your decision” AND something about what we’ll be doing to go towards Our goal in the meantime. Also, remember this is an exchange, so only a sentence or 2 at a time and wait for his response before going on.

    One other remark: a move, even a happy one just across the street, is one of life’s biggest stresses, and most people take a year to really process it. I’m not saying this should preclude your discussion, but bear that in mind in terms of psychic readiness for dealing with relationship issues, especially if one or both are also starting new jobs. Of course, these could just be excuses, or could represent real if temporary adjustment overload.

    I wish you well in moving things forward to a point you’re happy with.

  304.  #304Daria on May 28, 2009 at 3:22 pm

    Hi Amanda…

    congrats on deciding to write a speech.

    I would like to tweak … the speech is to be feeling messages and don’t wants only, referring to him as little as possible… and is said two lines at a time … followed by a what do you think…

    here’s my tweak:

    I’ve been feeling frustrated lately… and I feel a little afraid to talk about it, but it would really feel better to get it all out… is this a good time to talk? what do you think?

    Im feel upset and uncertain that we’re not engaged. I feel scared about the future of our relationship. What do you think?

    ( Adding something that I think may be important if you’re ready):

    I don’t want to be in a relationship that’s not moving towards marriage, and I don’t want to pressure you in any way. It’s ok by me for you to take all the time you need to decide… and I don’t want to close down all my options while you’re deciding… I am going to be accepting some dates from other men… what do you think?

  305.  #305Flipper on May 28, 2009 at 3:31 pm

    Thanks Daria! I feel so glad you came through for Amanda – that’s just how I remember it going.

  306.  #306LW on May 28, 2009 at 4:25 pm

    Cindy, the short answer is…Yes. And the long answer is…what do you do about it? If this is his chronic, all the time reaction – to PROTECT himself, to DEFEND himself without feeling compassionate towards YOU – then he’s got issues. And…if he CAN change, if he WANTS to change – if you show him the way by example – (not telling him how) – by dropping your own “drama” – by communicating in an easy, effortlessly feeling way, and back that up with the boundaries to turn around and leave the room – then he WILL change. Love, Rori

  307.  #307Amanda on May 29, 2009 at 11:50 am

    Thanks so much, Flipper and Daria! I really appreciate you helping to tweak it… that was my first time trying to put how I was feeling into words like that, so I figured it would need some adjustment.

    In regards to what Flipper said about the move, I hope I didn’t appear as though moving wasn’t enough of a commitment for me, I can certainly appreciate what a huge step it was for us to do (and yes, it was a very happy one). I definitely don’t want to overload either of us with the stress of a big conversation on top of adjusting to the new city and jobs.

    As I said in a previous post, I don’t doubt that we’ll get married someday, it’s just upsetting that any time we try to discuss the idea of getting engaged soon, it turns into an argument. The way he gets upset and defensive, and just kinda leaves it up in the air… is what I have the biggest problem with. Granted, as I said, we haven’t talked about it since December, so his tune could have changed by now. That’s why I’ve been debating bringing it up in feeling messages.

    Thank you so much for all of your help! I’m copying the tweaked version right now to practice. I’ll keep using the feeling messages and will post my final one to get thoughts before actually saying it to him.

  308.  #308Amanda on May 29, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    Me again haha …. okay I’m not ready to circular date just yet, especially after us making such a big move together (aside from putting out that vibe, as Rori said in one of her posts).

    So how do I, in the feeling/I don’t want messages, get the point across that I won’t wait around forever for him, without directly saying I’m going to start dating other men? Should I say that I’ll eventually start doing that, or just leave it out? I do see the benefit in circular dating, or telling him that, as it would show him that he can’t take our relationship for granted, because I certainly WON’T wait around forever while he’s deciding when he wants to be ready and step up to the plate. Is there a way to say he can’t take us for granted and assume I’ll just be around forever, without sounding like I’m issuing an ultimatum? Because I don’t want that, and I certainly don’t want him thinking I don’t love him, because I really do, very much so. I hear a lot of people say if you really love the person, you’ll wait…. which I agree with, but we’ve been talking kids and what not, and we both have stated like we’d like to have children younger. We’ve said all of this since the beginning. Eventually you have to step up and take action to have the things you want, the things that are important to you, and all of this is very important to me. So yes, I think one should wait… but if both have made it clear they want to marry each other, I don’t think it makes sense to wait around indefinitely, you know?

    I’m not exactly sure when I’m going to have this conversation with him, could be a couple days, weeks, or even a month from now… I’m just preparing myself ahead of time, and getting the feelings out.

    Thanks for your help, everyone. It’s so greatly appreciated. It’s nice having people to talk to about what I’m feeling.

  309.  #309Linda G on May 29, 2009 at 1:10 pm

    I don’t think you hve to tell him anything. Just do it, circular date, not wait. He will get the message when your vibe changes and then he will ask.

  310.  #310Wyndee on June 1, 2009 at 5:20 am

    Hi Amanda,

    I’m interested in what others say about your situation because I don’t know! You are thinking since you’ve moved away together and plan to be married someday “why wait?” but he is probably thinking the opposite “why change anything?” (They are the opposite sex, lol!)

    I think unless you are at the point that you are going to do something different, why bring it up? Say you have a conversation and he says the same things he’s been about waiting, etc. what then? You don’t seem like you are ready to date others or move out over it so I think until you get to that point anything you say to him would be pointless and possible argument-inducing.

    If you were ready to move on without an engagement you would be in a better position to say something such as “I love you very much but things don’t seem to be progressing, so I will be moving into my own apartment,” or something like that. It isn’t an ultimatum to HIM, (Marry me or else I’ll leave!!) but working towards what YOU want in YOUR life. Subtle difference. 🙂

    Believe me he KNOWS you want an engagement!

  311.  #311Amanda on June 1, 2009 at 8:05 am

    Thanks for your comment, Wyndee….everything you pinpointed in your comment, is exactly why I’ve been debating when or if to bring it up at all. I do feel exactly as you said, I’m thinking “why wait?” while he’s thinking “us moving away is big enough for now” sorta thing. That’s how it feels anyway.

    You’re right, I’m not at the point where I want to move out yet, especially since we just moved away together. I definitely don’t want it to be an argument-inducing conversation, which is exactly why I’ve been waiting/have been worried about it.

    I guess I mostly just want to open the lines of communication about getting engaged in say, a year or so. Is that so wrong? Should I never mention anything related to weddings/engagement/or anything of the sort? Because that’s what I’ve heard from other people. Some say to not mention it at all, others say to talk about it. That’s where I’m confused. I hate feeling like we can’t just talk about it. It’s not like there has to be a definite answer or anything, but he doesn’t realize that when we would get into fights about it, and he’d end it by saying he’s not ready and didn’t know when he would be … that’s not very reassuring to me. I don’t like feeling scared to mention it, I shouldn’t feel that way with the man I love. But I don’t know how to talk about it, without having it start an argument.

    Because I mean, as you said, I know that he KNOWS I want to get engaged, I’ve been ready since we moved in together last year. But then I got fed up of all the arguments and dropped it. I had bought a couple of the magazines, he was fine with that, but then I threw them out when we moved last month (they were really big lol), and he saw that. So now I’m wondering if he thinks I DON’T want to get engaged anytime soon.

    Anyway, thanks again for your comment, I really appreciate it, and you’ve definitely all given me things to think about. Thanks everyone!

  312.  #312Daria on June 1, 2009 at 10:20 am

    Amanda personally I think it would be important to talk about it… since it’s something important to you.

    Most women who come to Rori’s programs aren’t “ready” to circular date… and yet that’s what would help them most.

    In fact most of us aren’t don’t feel completely ready to circular date even when we start doing it!

    I would start circular dating in a small way by flirting and opening up to men. Maybe not yet accepting classic dinner dates if you have an exclusivity agreement.

    I would also practice my feeling speech and talk to him… it feels inauthentic to hide my feelings from him or to “walk on eggshells” and feel I can’t talk to him about a subject because of arguing.

    I would REALLY consider Circular Dating even more. Circular Dating does not mean you leave the relationship… in fact it often means you get the commitment you want.

  313.  #313Heather on June 1, 2009 at 1:34 pm

    Hi Rori!

    I have been doing more reading about circular dating. But I am just a little bit confused right now……how do we circular date and not appear to be chasing? I want to ask a certain gentleman out; but I also want to be chased. I guess I am confused since we should be pursued…and not appear to be desperate.

    If anyone else wants to answer that is good too! Ideas anyone??

  314.  #314Kristen on June 2, 2009 at 8:06 am

    I was really hoping that someone could help me out here. I feel ridiculous and this story is a little unorthodox.

    There is this guy, let’s call him Alex. Before I met Alex, I knew Alex’s mom because I worked with her. She is a very gregarious and fun-loving person (much like myself) and we hit it off right away. She became one of my buddies at work….we did 5K’s together, got beer, ran together during our lunch breaks….chit-chatted all day…all that good stuff.

    Then, she brought her son Alex in. Way cute and how sweet is it that a guy would come visit his mom at work just to come see her? Anyways…we introduced each other and he seemed like a really great guy.

    I have to say, I looked him up on facebook, and realized we had like 20 mutual friends! A LOT of them were my good friends, but for some reason I never met him before.

    Out of the blue…he friended me on facebook. He was a bouncer at one of the bars I frequent in my town. One night, I went out with a bunch of our mutual friends and I saw him there while he was working. Chit-chatted for a little bit…talked about how funny it was that I worked with his mom and that him and I have a ton of the same friends. He actually even helped me get this other guy into the bar who I liked…..

    Anyways, I saw him a few days later when he was off work (again, a chance meeting). This time, we were at another bar with all of our mutual friends. All of a sudden, we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. We were kissing all over the place. I even saw this old fling of mine who turned out to be very toxic and he got jealous…which I relished in for a teensy bit…

    So, I went back to his place. We were kissing ALL night, no sex, but some heavy petting was involved. We didn’t sleep AT ALL…we were literally up ALL NIGHT LONG talking, giggling, cuddling, flirting, kissing, etc.

    Anyways, so the next day I left, he kissed me goodbye but he didn’t ask for my number. He was headed to work but thought that maybe we could cuddle later. Unfortunatley, you need a number to do that.

    Well, even if he didn’t ASK HIS MOTHER (oh god that would be weird) or one of our mutual friends for my number, he was still friends with me on facebook and could have asked me for it.

    SO….I didn’t hear from him all week. I was off doing my own thing anyway. And um….well every time I saw his mom she was asking me “OOOH! How was your weekend? Did you do anything exciting?” God. Kill me. Of course I said nothing about it. HOW AWKWARD!

    That Friday (6 days after I spent the night at his house) I went out to a bar. AND WHO SHOWS UP BUT ALEX! WIth a bachelor party for crying out loud. And he was YOU GUESSED IT…all over me again. HIs friend even told me that he liked me.

    Well here’s the kicker (if the whole mom thing wasn’t enough), one of my best friends was with me. Let’s call her Katie. She started REALLY hitting it off with his roommate, (let’s call him Chris). It just seemed kind of natural that we ALL go back to their place for the afterparty. Alex and I were in his bed again, and this time….I gave him the green light. Afterward, he was so cuddly and cute. Real cute. We held each other all night.

    PLUS the next day, we laid around his apartment all day. All of the guys from the bachelor party came over, and he had me in his arms and didn’t even think to move when they came over, he just held me there. I felt amazing.

    HIs roommate Chris drove me and Katie home. That night, Katie and I went out. And Chris kept texting Katie all night saying how he wanted her to come over. I knew Alex was with him, and Alex and Chris both new I was with Katie. I was getting NO texts from Alex. Katie was bugging me to go and I just did REALLY not want to go if Alex didn’t invite me. And I did NOT want to invite myself over. Finally, after she kept pressuring me I said “Katie really wants to come over. Is it cool if we come over or should we just call it a night?” Alex said “yeah come over.” We did, and everything was fine again. Alex and I were still really cuddly and cute and it was so fun.

    But then, he drove Katie and I home. This time we had traded numbers and …so yeah he had my number at this point.

    The whole week went by and NOTHING. I know FOR A FACT that he only works Thur, Fri and Sat and the rest of the time does…well….is his free time.

    He did do a lame post on my facebook wall about how he liked my link. At this point I was just like “alright. I am just going to focus on me.” And i did. I could do it. I was ok and he was just a shadow of a messenger man in my life. But then all these outside influences put pressure on me to call him…

    That Friday, his mom and I went out for a run. She of course doesn’t know anything. She thinks that him and I barely know each other….little does she know…she started talking about him and about how “i would fit in so well to her family.” and “how her son and I have so much in common.” “how we would be great together….” blah blah blah. UM THANKS. Now not only have we slept together, hit it off, have all the same mutual friends, but his MOM wants us to be together by her knowing me and liking me on her own judgement. AND BY HER OWN CHARACTER…i know for a FACT that she has probably said something to him. In fact, after our 5K she sent him texts of me holding a beer saying that he really needs to get to know me…..i was like “please don’t do that. he’s going to think i told you to!” She said “no way. he knows how i am.”

    The following day (Saturday) was Katie’s birthday and we went out in her current town (bout 1 hour a way from where I, Alex and Chris live). And that whole day CHRIS WAS TEXTING KATIE AGAIN. I mean constantly. I knew him and Alex were together because it was the wedding for that bachelor party that they were at the previous weekend. I felt like my confidence was crushed. What did I do wrong? I was trying to focus away from him, but Katie and Alex’s mom keep shoving a reminder in my face like I should make something happen with Alex (against EVERYTHING rori says to do).

    I was so confused. I thought we hit it off so well. I wish i didn’t have to witness Katie getting texts from Chris. Super annoying. Just a reminder of another disappointment.

    I talked to my best guy friend Chad about this. How do I handle this situation? Chad said that being a guy, the whole “mom knowing me” thing wouldn’t bother him. And that by him posting on my wall, and then commenting on a picture on facebook that i mean he was probably into me and ESPECIALLY if his friend said that he liked me. He said if he were in the same situation with his roommate that he would probably be acting the same way, kind of waiting for me to make the first move to see if I was really interested.

    I was so confused. So I went against my gut and I texted Alex: “Hey! What are you up to tonight?” at like 10:30 cause I wanted to see him. He responded back about a half hour later “Hey I just got back from a run and now I am just chillin and watching tv…u?” i responded “nothing. just looking for something to do!”

    And then. Nothing. I mean…well he could have been sleeping or whatever or not really wanted to hang out….whatever.

    I am pissed at myself that I listened to Chad. And that I let Katie influencing me to going over to Alex and Chris’ place two nights in a row when I wasn’t being invited. Now, I don’t feel like I totally blew it, but now it’s going in a totally wrong direction.

    What should I do? What should I have done???

    I’m SORRY this is so long. But I just feel so ridiculous. I feel like he has totally gotten the wrong idea since I let others influence me and I had to see Alex’s mom EVERYTDAY telling me how he and I should be together and Chris texting Katie constantly while I got nothing. This feels so icky, and weird, and sad, and mad. GOD!

    Anyone out there?

  315.  #315DocK on June 2, 2009 at 11:40 am

    Hi Kristen

    I can feel your frustration and it is so difficult when we don’t know what is going on with a guy (been there, ouch).

    There was a previous post from Rori that said something very important. The post was about a scenario very different from yours – more of a one-night stand thing and that is not what you have – but the message said this:

    “When we have sex with a man, we are doing it out of our own free will, and for our own reasons. And if our reasons are NOT GOOD FOR US – that’s still OUR responsibility.”

    What this has meant for me in my life is that I have to be having sex for reasons that are good enough for me. There are times when I have had sex with someone, first date, and we ended up “a couple” even though lots of people say that doesn’t happen. BUT I didn’t have sex with him thinking that a relationship would evolve out of it – that somehow just happened. I usually had sex because I was young and open about this in ways maybe some other women aren’t and I was in it for the experience. And so, sometimes it was just that and no relationship evolved.

    I know that knowing the guy’s mother and having mutual friends and his “cuddling” behavior and lots of stuff may make it look like the makings of a good relationship – to you. He may agree. OR he may have just felt that you had sex with him because that is what you wanted to do and he has no expectations of much beyond that and assumes – neither do you.

    I hope that Rori responds to this because I think she has to take it from here – I’m no expert – believe me – and I am in NO WAY judging anything that happened. I would venture a guess that NOT ONE single woman that writes here – even we informed women with Rori’s tools – gets this right every time. Geez, we are ALL human. We ALL take baby steps and have mishaps and I have posted my very own here for advice.

    I don’t think this is irreparable but again, Rori or some of the other wise women can guide you better from here. He may actually “like” you as his friend says and their is a possibility of a relationship down the road. OR you may just end up friends in the midst of all of the other mutual friends. Feel what you feel – you have a right to-but DO NOT beat up on yourself over this.

    For myself, I would look at it as having done what I wanted to do, and had a wonderful, sexy, passionate time doing it. I would know that even though sex occurred early on, it is WAY too early to cut off options and circular dating as in flirting or outright dating is the way to go anyway. I would lean back, relax and let him contact me – he might. Rori has said that you CAN undo previous steps, even having sex too soon, and I would maybe consider doing a “whoa doggie” on that if he DID contact me and go through more of a getting to know each other phase.

  316.  #316Daria on June 2, 2009 at 11:42 am

    Hey Kristen…

    next time I saw Alex, I would want to definitely speak about this with him right away…

    I really like you and I’m feeling weird not getting any calls and texts from you. I’m feeling insecure and disappointed. What do yout think?

  317.  #317Kayleigh on June 3, 2009 at 6:12 am

    Hi Rori,

    First, I want to say “Thank you” for the wonderful work that you do, creating and saving relationships. Your approaches are unique and wonderful, and create so much joy.

    After my marriage failed, I got ‘Commitment Blueprint’ after hearing your interview with Christian Carter (a friend let me borrow it). I immediately connected with your 4 rules and the communication approach (‘I want’, ‘I don’t want’, ‘I feel’). I could immediately see it was genius, and would WORK. I changed my communication style overnight and have had greater success in all of my relationships – not just relationships with men.

    Two years have passed since then, and I have been on lots of dates. For months ago, I met a man and we fell in love. He asked me to be exclusive and put marriage on the table, so I agreed. Last night, we had a conversation where he admitted that well, marriage wasn’t *really* on the table – all that talking about getting married was really a ‘maybe someday’ (he brought it up every time). There was also a lot of talk about a home, and creating a family with my children and his children, but it turns out this was about his assumption that I would live with him without getting married. I told him absolutely not.

    The power speeches came out. It was a tough conversation, but candid, and at the end, though I felt pretty done-in emotionally, I was able to articulate for him that since he wasn’t sure what he wanted, marriage was off the table, and we were sexually exclusive, but just ‘dating’. He didn’t like how the terms of the relationship had changed. I pointed out that in 1945, he would never have assumed I would give him an entire life (family, living together, sex, exclusivity, emotional investment and closeness, etc) without marrying me. Somehow now though, he’s supposed to just “get” all of that. I told him I don’t like that sense of entitlement. He understood my point, but didn’t like being – as he put it – downgraded.

    My question is, how can I recover from this? I want to stay connected to him while we date, and continue to create all the feelings between us that have escalated things this far, but right now I feel really hurt. All I want is to go out and date *other* guys, not this one. But I love this one. How can I successfully recover from this emotional blow? I feel like he build this romantic story around us – I was the one, we were meant to be, etc etc – and last night it all came crashing down. I am the same person I was yesterday, so I can only assume this is HIS problem…yet, its hurting *me*.

    Thanks, Rori.

    I love you.

  318.  #318Kristen on June 3, 2009 at 6:44 am

    Thank you DocK and Daria. DocK – what you said has comforted me SO much. Thank you! I realized I had been beating myself up about it…and a lot of that is because I haven’t been able to think clearly about Alex because of all the outside factors that beat me over the head. I felt prepared to handle being a “rori raye girl” in traditional dating, when it’s just me and another man, but this situation made me feel uneasy and a little lost. So…THANK YOU again, voice of reason, bringing me back to where my head needs to be.

    Daria – do you really think I should tell him straight out that I like him? Isn’t that sort of leaning forward? I already feel like I am doing more of that than I should…?

  319.  #319Rori Raye on June 3, 2009 at 8:59 am

    Kayleigh, welcome and thank you for your brilliant comment. First – you are amazing, you did brilliantly (again) with this man, and the way to both stay close and get even closer to this man while still expanding your life until marriage is a reality is Circular Dating, and Targeting Mr. Right. It’s not about going out with other men for revenge, or to play games. It’s about feeling more available emotionally to INTERACT with other men – including having coffee with them, going to the museum, walking, talking. SEx – even kissing doesn’t have to be involved’s just relating to other men in an open way so that YOU feel better. As YOUR vibe gets stronger and lighter – HE’LL feel it, and it will motivate him in many ways. This is a process, but it can happen quickly. I know you’re angry for what feels like a backtracking on his part…and I don’t want you switching your anger at him onto yourself…just call this a lesson in “exclusivity” – and now you’re expanding outward…Love, Rori

  320.  #320Daria on June 3, 2009 at 10:30 am

    Kristen –

    yes you had leaned forward (that’s ok, think of it as an experiment, there’s never such thing as “permanent damage”).

    Telling him you like him is not leaning forward.

    It is important for us to BE AUTHENTIC. That includes saying vulnerable things like I like you… Rori includes this in her speeches… of course you don’t HAVE to say that… only if you feel it, and I got the feeling you did like him. This is part of appreciating him and sharing all feelings, good and bad.

    Leaning forward would be like buying him gifts or calling him.

    Telling him you like him when it’s true is authentic vulnerable and expressive… telling him you like him hoping to accomplish something (like getting him to like you this way) would be leaning forward.

  321.  #321Wyndee on June 3, 2009 at 11:06 am

    Kristen I’m with Dock on this one…Let’s face it all you have with this man is a few nights of making out and sex. Nothing else. Don’t feel bad or beat yourself up! Most of us have done it at some point! 😉

    He knows you like him; you had sex with him! And the only reason he isn’t calling or texting is because….he doesn’t want to! I know that is hard for us girls to hear but it really is the ONLY reason.

    There isn’t a lot of point trying to analyze his thoughts on the matter or turn it in to more than it is: He’s cute & hot, you two get along, you had great sex. Don’t fall into the trap of making it into an ‘imaginary relationship’.

    He has your number. 🙂 I’d say now is the time to rasie your degree of difficulty with this man, not tell him of your insecurities. Live in the present moment, circular date others and put him out of your mind until the time that HE initiates contact. You will feel better. 😉

  322.  #322DocK on June 3, 2009 at 12:18 pm

    Also, Kristen, I mentioned on another blog/post that I have started to go back to the beginning of Rori posts and read through them. There is a wealth of information there. I have been finding that there are issues of which I am unsure – how to handle – how to approach them – think about them – feel them – speak within them – that are discussed in previous posts.

    This stuff is new to all of us. It’s like the old joke about how to get to Carnegie Hall (practice, practice, practice) and the same holds true for getting to the right relationship. I get into lots of situations where I think, ‘wait, what do I do now?’ and I am fumbling around wordsmithing in my head. That’s why we come here – to learn, grow and help each other.

    I hope you feel the love and support we give you now and share with you.

  323.  #323Sunnygirl on June 3, 2009 at 2:16 pm

    Kristen, I’m also going to agree with Wyndee, move in the opposite direction from him, date other guys and go out with friends, if he wants to call you he will. If he’s a bouncer and hot as you say he is he has a lot of women throwing themselves at him (sadly) and they ruin it for the rest of us non desperate women. Be different than all of them, and that will be the way to his heart.

  324.  #324Wyndee on June 4, 2009 at 7:13 am

    Oh yes hot bouncers have women throwing themselves to them constantly. I worked as a bartender for years and my best guy-friend is a bouncer (a hot one) and yes, they have it much to easy in the woman department, lol.

  325.  #325Kristen on June 4, 2009 at 7:41 am

    Lol that he does. BUT he is a VERY sweet guy with a really good head on his shoulders. He’s not a tool like many of the other bouncers I know. There may be hope for him yet haha.

    Anyways, that is besides the point. You have all comforted me SO much. I am dating other guys (one is tonight…WOOT!) And Alex is not numero uno in my mind. Feeling SOOO much better now…NOT because of these other men necessarily, but because I remembered that I am OK without any man. As a result, I was able to invite others in. Once all of you helped me remember that…AH….peacefulness. Feeling good and happy!

    Thank you Rori for inspiring these kind of thoughts and feelings in such wonderful women! Thank you SO much for caring, all of you :).

  326.  #326Cindy on June 8, 2009 at 5:55 am

    R and I are officially on a “break”. I am not totally sure what that means but he said so we can appreciate each other more and he is just sick and tired of the arguing. Most of our arguing is due to my insecurities and need for reassurance. Of course, at times it is brought on by his neglect and indifference. But he feels I should always remember how he feels about me.
    The last straw was last Wednesday night. He texted me at 2:00 a.m. from the biker bar he hangs out at. He had invited me to come there around 9:00 that night and said he was only staying for a little while. Then when I realized he was still out, trashed and texting me to come meet him for a “quickie”, I freaked out and texted him some things I SHOULD NOT have. I panicked thinking that he was drunk and horny and would find someone else to sleep with.
    I hurt him and upset him by my lack of trust. I know R is trustworthy, but I have a lot of pain from a past relationship and now my jealousy and insecurities are destroying us.
    I am so distraught without him and I don’t know how long this break will be or if he will ever come back.
    I know I can’t contact him but it’s killing me. I want to tell him that I recognize what I have done wrong and am committed to changing.
    I am so heartbroken. But R would say I brought it on myself.

  327.  #327Daria on June 8, 2009 at 6:46 am

    Hi Cindy… I feel sad. It would feel great to see you commit to changing by strongly practicing leaning back… and Not contacting him to tell him anything…

    Also I know how easy it is to text some things “you should not have.” It sounds like you feel angry… not just insecure… Perhaps try saying/texting in that situation… I FEEL VERY ANGRY … as a replacement for all the nasty/jealous things… it soon starts feeling just as powerful.

  328.  #328sunnygirl on June 8, 2009 at 9:41 am

    Same here Cindy, I feel badly that it has come to this for you. Like Daria has stated please try and keep yourself calm, this is your chance now to regroup, learn to trust yourself. You will feel better if you get a handle on how you express your anger to him. You will come across more mature, self assured, and in control, and he will notice that.
    I wish you the best.

  329.  #329TW on June 8, 2009 at 11:21 am

    My LI has not called me or text since Friday. I’m somewhat pissed but I know its a good idea to let him come to me. what if he calls and I don’t feel like talking. should I answer and say I don’t feel like talking or let it go to vmail….

  330.  #330Linda G on June 8, 2009 at 1:14 pm

    TW If you are pissed, you might want to tell him, I feel pissed and don’t feel like talking.
    He will ask you why and you can tell him. If you are not ready to talk about it, don’t answer. But then you’ll have to call him back, unless you are so mad you want to make him call again. But you’ll have to be able to wait it out.

  331.  #331Maria on June 8, 2009 at 1:29 pm

    Well, lm back in town with new experiences in circular dating and l dont know what to do about this particular case.
    Ok, we have all heared about men being hot and cold, treating you badly, withdrawing, pulling back, NOT initiating contact, NOT calling and being moody. contacting only, when nesseccary (sex), you name it. AND doing it all AFTER FEW DATES!
    And now, booh – lm in the situation, where l AM DOING ALL THAT TO A GUY!
    and l see myself and lm wondering – where does that bitch coming from!
    Tell u, l met a wonderful man online and when we met he seemed obviously attracted to me. The more we met, the more serious he was about me until he said he wants to be my husband and marry me. He opened doors, paid for meal, took care of me, brought flowers, etc.
    And the more l saw him, the more unattracted l become up to the fact that l could not stand him even touching my hand.
    The funny thing was – l kept sending mixed messages – not on purpose, but because l was lonely l needed some company, so we occasionally went out, but l saw myself doing all those things men have done to women, and the only reason was, that l was not attracted to him at all.
    l dont want to loose him as a friend, but l dont even imagine myself kissing him at all.

    and it horrifies me to think ,that this is why men had been acting bad toward me – they have found me unattractive, and beingn unattracted to someone is a very disqusting feeling.

    Oh god.

    l dont even know, what was the point of writing this, l just wanted to let it out.

  332.  #332Flipper on June 8, 2009 at 2:27 pm

    Hi Maria, it feels good to see you again. Even though your behavior Looks like what we get upset about all the time from guys, I don’t think the reasons behind it are the same at all. If the man is not attracted to us, he will never have bothered in the first place. When he pulls away, shuts down, I feel it’s more likely because he has his own issues that are preoccupying him or else he doesn’t feel that extra emotional spark that would make him feel real attachment beyond his initial attraction. And when a lot of guys start flaking or otherwise being rude and even mean, it’s cuz they want to make Us break off so they don’t have to feel bad about doing it. Even after breakups, so many men still find us attractive enough to want to stay “friends with benefits”, which is obviously not the case with you.

    Men also go out with women just because they are lonely. But even if they have no intention or desire to turn things into a relationship, they don’t feel bad about it. Of course, I don’t know this man, but it sounds like his continuing interest is at least in part kindled by the challenge you represent, but it also sounds like you’ve been clear enough that he shouldn’t have many illusions about your lack of feelings for him. When he no longer wants to try, he won’t, so I don’t feel you have to feel any responsibilty for his attitude. I’ve recently been in a similar situation, and whenever I started to have misgivings about either wasting my time or leading him on, I just reminded myself that’s it’s up to him to try to turn me on, to light My fire if he wants things to heat up that way between us. My company is still well worth whatever a man puts out in my direction, and if there’s one area I’m sure I can trust him, it’s that he will take care of himself.

  333.  #333Daria on June 8, 2009 at 11:03 pm

    Hi Maria! I find myself feeling this way too… in fact recently with one guy in New York who wants to marry me, but I found myself less and less attracted to him because he seemed to have low self esteem and i felt drained a little bit.

    I think it’s important to HUG OUR BITCH!! hehehe… that is EMBRACE the part of us that feels like a bitch (I know it’s hard, I’ve been trying to do it) and LOVE her for trying to protect us and being part of us, as weird and ashamed and horrified and guilty as we feel. If WE love her, she will love herself and you better believe a man will love her. ps it will of course help him too… with relating to women.

  334.  #334Cindy on June 9, 2009 at 6:25 am

    Someone please answer this. What does it mean when he wants a “break”. He decided this because we have been arguing and he said he wants us to appreciate each other more. Should I believe it’s a break or a break up? Every day that goes by gets harder and harder and I feel hopeless.

  335.  #335Rori Raye on June 9, 2009 at 12:22 pm

    Cindy – he’s unhappy. You have to stop your side of the arguing and find a new way to communicate. Appreciation is key. I don’t know what he wants, but work on yourself now…Love, Rori

  336.  #336DocK on June 9, 2009 at 1:43 pm

    Hi Cindy – didn’t want you to feel ignored and had typed up response a number of times and deleted – not sure I was answering in a helpful way – so glad to see Rori here.

    Even being a woman – and, yes, I know women and men can feel things differently – what she says was the same for me when I have wanted a break. It meant I still had feelings for a guy, but I was definitely tired of arguing and thought a break would help to “clear the air” and give me time to think about what I like about my relationship with him as well as didn’t like.

    So, there is opportunity here – to do what Rori says – for me (and I have been where you are) this means to use the tools to work on myself. To go out and have fun and do things I have wanted to do – with other people or even alone. When he called, I tried to be “the invitation” and not angry but inviting (my LI went crazy when I said it felt so good to hear his voice especially while I was sitting there all “warm and snuggly”). When he asked, I told him about going to dinner and the ballet with a friend, a walk on the beach and so on.

    I feel sensitive to what you are going through because I have struggled with my own insecurities that live inside of me and I use Rori’s tools and others (even therapy) to “work” on myself. I know that my thoughts and stories can take on a life of their own and it gets hard to cope with them in a way that doesn’t play out as drama. I still have the thoughts and feelings of doubt and mistrust (in him – but just as much of myself) but I have found ways to experience them as Rori has suggested. I still feel that turmoil in my stomach, but have better ways of expressing my feelings in ways that don’t attack. I don’t feel as savvy as many of the women here – but I know I am growing.

    Love U 2 – from DocK

  337.  #337Mercedes on June 9, 2009 at 2:06 pm

    Hi Cindy: I also wasn’t quite sure how to answer you “correctly” so I’m with DocK and happy Rori stepped in.

    If it were me, I’d treat it like a break up in the sense that you commit your mind to it being over and you becoming the best woman you can possibly be without expectations of him coming back to you. If he hasn’t been in contact with you at all since then, this is a good thing because that means you have time to do some work before he calls you again.

    If he does come back to you because it was just a break, you’ll have a fresh view on life and on you and on what you want and what your boundaries are. You need to feel happy and secure and confident. Those are not things he can give you. Those things come from inside of you. If you work on that stuff…on YOU…then, if he does come back, he will see a very attractive, confident and loving woman who doesn’t at all want to fight and who won’t provoke one.

    Take this time…enjoy it…love yourself…find what makes you happy (outside of him) and do what makes you happy. I believe in taking responsibility for our own happiness. If you can do that, then…he’ll see a whole new woman and you will have decided what you want/need in a relationship.

    If you work on you…there’s a chance YOU’LL want it to be a break up instead of just a break. Remember, he’s not the one making the decision here. You are. YOU decide if you want HIM or not. YOU decide if you can be happy without him or not (because if you can’t find a way to be happy in yourself you will lose him…it’s a lot of pressure to put on a guy when we tell him he’s responsible for making us happy and reassuring us, etc). If YOU can decide how YOU want YOUR life to be, then YOU’LL decide which man gets to be a part of it and those that can’t give you what you need (like him right now) will not be welcome. You’re giving all the control/power to him and this is YOUR LIFE. You’re waiting for him to tell you whether or not you can have him. Stop waiting. Live your life. Decide what you want and if he’s not giving it to you (by not calling or ending the break) then I hope you can go out there and attract someone who will.

    Anyway…that’s my take…

    Much Love,

  338.  #338sunnygirl on June 9, 2009 at 3:25 pm

    Rory my friends and I are very confused about something re… yes MEN.
    It has been our experience that it has been getting harder and harder to meet men we are attracted to because they don’t approach us be it out in bars/clubs, in grocery stores, malls, online etc. If they do make initial contact they call once, the conversations go well, they never do call back, but only send an occasional text, or quick email to say hi. The few that we do go out with will disappear after a few dates. We are attractive, smart, well established women, are in great shape and seem to get a lot of attention but that’s it. What are we doing wrong if anything. For example…a gentleman pursued my friend for a year and a half, she finally agreed to go out with him, they had a wonderful three dates, then all of the sudden it’s total blow off. And this happens to all of us a lot!!!

    We could really use your expertise with this.

  339.  #339Kismet on June 9, 2009 at 5:26 pm

    Hi guys. I have decided to move on and try this circular dating thing to its fullest. I’ve started a profile on a dating site and would like some comments on it. Maybe some suggestions and such. Anyhow, here is the link to it.

  340.  #340Linda G on June 9, 2009 at 5:39 pm

    Kismet, I don’t know you, but I like you judging from this profile! You sound fun, centeted and easy going. Good luck!

  341.  #341Kismet on June 9, 2009 at 5:49 pm

    Thank you Linda.

    I’m not having a whole lot of luck with it. I get a lot of looks, but no emails etc. The only people who have written me are through IM and they’ve not even looked at my profile. Just saw a “girl” was on in their area.

    I have written several emails to guys I wanted to get to know better and haven’t gotten any real responses. I don’t know if the fact that I’ve been the one writing is sending out a cosmic vibe of desperation or what. I don’t know if I shouldn’t write the guys I’m interested in…I just don’t know if they’ll ever see my profile if I don’t. I don’t really know what to do here, since I want to do things differently this time around.

  342.  #342Linda G on June 9, 2009 at 6:19 pm

    have you tried other dating sites like it’s a numbers game afterall…
    I also find some guys like to IM. sometimes its because they are not paying members.
    if people mostly IM on that site, just stay logged in. see what happens. it’s ok if they don’t read your profile right off. that’s how guys are. they react to the photo.
    anyway, that has been my experience. on Targeting Mr Right, she says you don’t need hordes of responses, you want responses from guys who have potential.

  343.  #343Rori Raye on June 9, 2009 at 8:26 pm

    Kismet – I went to your page. Okay – here’s what I think. I don’t like your main picture. I would use the 3rd one down (where you’re laying down) on the page of 6. That one rocks. But it may not work on some of the other sites just because of the angle – but it’s worth a try – and – you need another shot. Kismet – This is the time for a glamour shot!!! You’re so sensual and sexy and beautiful with fantastic eyes – WEAR MAKEUP!!! Lipstick and mascara is plenty) – Otherwise you cut out all the men who think that if a woman wears makeup it means something – it means she cares about herself, is feminine, etc…don’t buy into that “natural” thing – it’s all about the picture. You have a really sexy attitude. It totally shines through – don’t work against yourself with a picture that doesn’t show you at your full-out goddessness. Go to the department store – and let a woman make you up – natural – for free with a purchase of makeup. And then go take your picture…Love, Rori

    And then – if that page is for a guy – it’s way too long. Short and sweet, no history, just basic feeling messages so he knows who you are. A paragraph or two — and then take that picture and profile out on the other dating sites (Keri Newell lists a ton of them in Targeting Mr. Right – I’m sure you can find them yourself, too…) And DO NOT INITIATE ANYTHING!!! Let’s just see what happens with a fabulous picture, good, short profile, on a LOT of sites. Love, Rori

  344.  #344Rori Raye on June 9, 2009 at 8:28 pm

    Sunny Girl, the answer to this would take every minute of every newsletter, every post, and every program I have! You’ll just have to start with the basics in the ebook, and then Modern Siren…I’ve seen this kind of thing turn around totally once the Feeling Messages and vulnerability kick in – that plus success out in the world – dynamite. Love, Rori

  345.  #345Kismet on June 9, 2009 at 9:23 pm

    Hi Rori! Thanks for your input.

    I will change the main picture (back) to the one of me laying down. There is one of me wearing makeup (the one with my hair back), however I am SO not a person who wears makeup. I never have been. I wouldn’t want them to think that I do, when I don’t. (Maybe that is something that I need to think about–wearing some makeup.)

    As for the length of the profile, that is something that the site encourages. Your profile isn’t considered “complete” unless you have at least 1000 words. I’m ok with my profile not being complete though. What parts do you think I should eliminate? (Btw, most of the guys I’m attracted to on the site have pretty long profiles too. I didn’t occur to me that maybe they wouldn’t want mine to be as long.) I’m still learning!

    Thank you so much!

  346.  #346Kismet on June 9, 2009 at 10:17 pm

    Okay. Here’s a revision. I will work on getting a “glamour”-ish type picture up. Thanks again for all of your help Rori, and all you other ladies!

  347.  #347Eva on June 10, 2009 at 8:55 pm

    I started to seeing the guy that I mentioned here back in April. Since it is a long distance relationship, we don’t see each other that often, once a week or 2 weeks. Text, email or MSN each other once a while. I totally enjoy the time with him. However, since the weather getting warmer, the summer is here, he has a lot more fun outside with his friends and family, and I feel I am not his high priority anymore. We talk less and less. I don’t like the feeling of waiting for him to call. I tried to think of the bad qualities he has and wanted to convince myself to get him off my mind. However, I think it takes will to really let go and I just don’t seem to be able to do that. Every time he calls, text, email or MSN me, I always so happy and kind of addicted to it. When I don’t hear from him, I feel so uncomfortable, and will try to contact him etc. I really want to find a way out. Any help would be greatly appreciated!

  348.  #348TW on June 10, 2009 at 9:35 pm

    That is only natural to want to contact him but that is leaning forward. I am dealing with that myself. You have to stop all the contact right now. Do something for yourself every time you feel the urge to contact him even if it is read something or take a shower or a walk anything. You need to prepare a power speech to tell him exactly how you feel in feeling messages and have it ready for the next time HE calls YOU. Write it and post it and the ladies here can tweak it for you. They have done the same for me several times. I hope this helps.

  349.  #349Cindy on June 12, 2009 at 6:04 am

    Hey everyone–

    It has been a very, very difficult week being on this break with R. I have been completely heartbroken, unable to eat or sleep well, unable to concentrate at work or on anything at all.
    But on Wednesday night…HE CAME BACK! He texted me and we met and spent the night together. He said he doesn’t want to be without me. But he needs me to just let things be and not overthink, overanalyze or question him about where he is, who he is with, etc. He wants me to trust him and have faith in us. I am so extremely happy but also afraid to lose him again. I didn’t hear from him after I left his house on Thursday morning. So what do I do now?


  350.  #350Mercedes on June 12, 2009 at 6:55 am

    Cindy: You’re doing fine! Don’t do anything right now…nothing at all except maybe some meditation or journaling to alleviate your fears. Listen…he told you what he needs in order to be with you (let things be, don’t over think, don’t over analyze and don’t question him about where he is and who he’s with)…so…if you freak out right now, you’re going to show him you can’t give him those things. Unless you can show you trust him by not contacting him…unless you can give him space here…you will be doing all the things you did before to push him away. He’s giving you a wonderful opportunity to show him your love and trust. Take that opportunity and do something for yourself. Do something that makes you feel good. It’s not all about where HE is or who HE’s with…what about you? Where are you and what are you doing when he’s not around? If you’re waiting for the phone to ring and stressing about him, it will come through in your voice and your actions. If however, when he calls, you can tell him all about the wonderful dinner you had at a new restaurant or the funny thing you saw at the mall or the interesting book you picked up at the library…well…it’s going to be a much more fun, free and interesting conversation when he does call.

    Hope this helps!

    Much Love,

  351.  #351patricia carney on June 13, 2009 at 5:47 am

    well I think thr reason why I have been really upset with my exs betrayel of trust and respect love included I am just being jealous of the wife and reason for that is I really dont want her stealing my man from what we didnt have together but she didnt know I had a major crush on him a while ago that was before he got married to her that really hurt me a lot and I was heartbroken we did have a secrettive discret relationship a long while ago in spain and a summer romance which is really amazing and special I really need to get over this breakup and let go of my jealousy maybe my anger towards him that is why I felt really hurt being left out upset jealous and angry it feels like he is replacing me to be with her is that so wrong I just need to be good friends with my exs wife and really try making a effort to be a great friend to her for him I really want to try being friends with her I really like her a lot and I just want to be friends with her for the sake of their marriage recently I have wirtten her mean awful horrible terrible letters and have called her names that is because I have been really horrible to her and mean I didnt mean to be like that at all honestly in those letters I was just explaining how I feel about her and my ex being together do you think I should trust him again and forgive him for what he did to me

  352.  #352patricia carney on June 13, 2009 at 5:47 am


  353.  #353Eva on June 13, 2009 at 9:48 am

    Thanks TW! But what if he does not call anymore? Recently, he does not call or text me that much, and not online anymore, he has a very busy life. So I have been the one initiating most of the things. He is young, smart and attractive, he has lots of girls around him. Actually, I felt lucky that we can get to this point already. He does not like girls want to control him, but I don’t really get it. I am not sure what that means, what makes a guy feel I want to control him? Maybe I had done something wrong that I didn’t realize? And regarding the feeling message talk, should I just mention the good ones or should I also mention the bad ones such as when I don’t hear from him for a long time I feel sad etc? Any help would be greatly appreciated!

  354.  #354Daria on June 13, 2009 at 11:42 am

    Hi Eva…

    do NOT contact him regardless of him being busy and not calling as much. Controlling him would mean stuff like trying to control his time like INITIATING things. That is the first thing and is important that you let him do ALL the initiating even if that may mean you don’t hear from him at all for awhile until he starts initiating.

    Yes, you tell him the good and the bad feelings, in a non blaming (keep the word You out of it as much as possible) and use only feeling messages and truths.

    ie… I feel so glad to hear from you! I’ve been feeling sad not hearing from you …

    ok i know that uses you but something like that…

  355.  #355Eva on June 13, 2009 at 10:00 pm

    Thank you very much Daria!! That’s very helpful! I will work on my feeling message :), and hopefully he will call me sooner or later…

  356.  #356patricia carney on June 14, 2009 at 7:34 am

    what will happen if I forgive my ex for what he did to me will there be any trouble between him and his wife if I agree to giving him a second chance will it cause their marriage to fall apart because of what me and him had long before he married her I really need help here rori will you give me advice on what to do please I am desprate to try trusting him again and forgiving him is that too much to ask

  357.  #357patricia carney on June 14, 2009 at 7:36 am


  358.  #358patricia carney on June 14, 2009 at 7:48 am


  359.  #359Dagmar on June 14, 2009 at 7:50 am

    Patricia, what is your agenda here. He is your ex and he is remarried. Let it go. Forgive him and move on. Or do you want to meddle in his life? Being bff’s with his wife to get close to him? Why do you want to trust him again? He is not your husband anymore and whatever it was he did to you it’s in the past. Do yourself a favor and live your own life.

  360.  #360patricia carney on June 14, 2009 at 8:13 am

    well it all started a while ago we were both texting each other and he was really understanding and loyal which is great for me I recently rang his wife a few weeks ago and I told her

  361.  #361patricia carney on June 14, 2009 at 8:53 am

    well it all started a while ago we were both texting each other and he was really understanding and loyal which is great for me I recently rang his wife a few weeks ago and I told her I had a crush on andrew before I found out he was married to her and I have rang him last saturday week a one week ago and I have told him how I felt about that proposal of marriage and I was really hurting from that shocking proposal it came to me as a surprice actually he didnt ring me but I did leave him a message on his voicemail on his mobile for us to talk about what happened with us I was in limerick a few times meeting her the wife and I felt a little bit uncomfortable I dont know if I should talk to her or not when my ex walked in it was really awkward for me to be in the middle of him and her it was just awful for me to be right there watching both of them smiling lovingly at each other and I did not want to take it much longer it was too much for me to handle taking it all in after I had wrote her those horrible mean to her how I felt about him being with her I was just trying to explain everything to make her understand how I feel about this going on aparently it was a secret from me and secretly together for ten years I just wanted to leave limerick and never go back again I never felt this hurt before in a long time ok so after that breakup we never talked as I didnt feel like it at all because I was too upset to talk to him about what happened I had suffered a horrible awful heartache and heartbreak from him a horrible breakup rejection and neglection but I had none of that from fiach a rugby player for shannon and now a caption he is a sweetheart and he is a lovely guy after what happened with his ex girlfeind cathy and adel a second new girlfriend I think he had enough hurt in his life we had started texting each other a long while ago before finding out my ex was married and he is really great for being in contact with me and we always ring each other too just for chats I used to fancy him ages ago and his brother cormac kissed me five years ago but he never told his girlfriend michelle hallihon about it because I dont want to cause trouble between them and their relationship that was after I have found out my ex was married to the wife how can I tell him how I feel about that kiss I really dont want to hurt his feelings or break his heart

  362.  #362patricia carney on June 14, 2009 at 8:56 am


  363.  #363patricia carney on June 14, 2009 at 9:14 am

    well actually he is not my husband we are not married he is my ex nothing more than that we are really good friends he is not remarried he is married once thank you I didnt say I trusted him I do trust him completely being friends with his wife is a good healthy thing him and me might have major trust issues but as his ex girlfriend and him being my ex boyfriend that is really important to us to trust each other but after that talk we had one week ago on last saturday I am starting to trust him again and maybe I will forgive him for what he did to me we had a lot of history together as for my past I only had a one rejection from my ex a heartache and heartbreak neglection and a broken heart that was it I had none of that from fiach or cormac either or from my past boyfriend johnathan kilpatrick

  364.  #364patricia carney on June 14, 2009 at 9:25 am

    I am so not meddling in his life at all to make it crystal clear to you I really like andrews wife a lot and I think being friends with her is lovely and friendly it is not me getting close to him me being great friends to her that is really stupid that is so over with him it is now in the past after all that history we had together one of my best friends from cluny school michelle ward told me me and the ex are having a affair but we are not at all after his wife stepped in and decided to take him away from me which is really ok with me defiantly I am not upset with that at all just a little bit hurt

  365.  #365patricia carney on June 14, 2009 at 10:01 am

    ok so what will happen if I forgive my ex what will it mean for us to patch things up do you think we should start all over again fresh and new

  366.  #366Rori Raye on June 14, 2009 at 10:41 am

    Patricia, Hi, I just wanted to step in here…first to welcome you…and to simply ask you to ask yourself – “Why am I here?” I know that moving on is challenging (notice I won’t say difficult…) and yet – can you see that this is what you must do? The trick here is to find the Tools that will help you move on. And the first thing is to honestly look at this and recognize how you are doing yourself a disservice by clinging to a man who is not yours. A man who does not want you. Please, use the help you find here, use me to help yourself grow bigger inside so that you can attract and be attracted to your OWN man – someone who will love you. Every moment you spend thinking about this an lessens the chance that you will ever have what you truly want. You will not have him – not in any way. Love, Rori

  367.  #367Eva on June 14, 2009 at 10:44 am

    Now that I think back, there was one time that he contacted me after disappeared for a week or two, I told him I had learned to lower the expectations from him, and he said ” you should learn to lead not to expect, it’s simple, if you want someone, go get them!”. And basically, that was the turning point I started initiating stuff. But I guess maybe now that he felt bored with me, and then started saying something like don’t like girls want to control him etc. I just so confused and frustrated. Don’t really know what he wants. If he does not call, maybe that signals an end of the relationship. I am thinking if anyone can help analyze this situation, and how long should I wait for him to call, and maybe after that period of time, I should just go ahead end things with him, so I won’t feel so hurt if one day he shows up with another girl in his arms etc. Am I dumb? My ex bfd said I was a sucker being a woman, didn’t know how to keep a man.

  368.  #368Daria on June 14, 2009 at 12:46 pm

    OMGosh EVa… you must absolutely, totally Circular Date.

    I didn’t realize you weren’t doing this. Please go on as many dates as possible, with as many different men as ask you (that aren’t Total creeps)… even guys u might not liek all that much.

    this is very important for YOU!

    What your ex said sounds like BS… he is trying to assign you the boy role which feels confusing and won’t really get u anywhere..

  369.  #369patricia carney on June 14, 2009 at 2:14 pm

    well actually he didnt really ring me much after our breakup it was not a good idea if he rang me because if he did that it will be hurting his wife so much he had been so great and supportive for me he understands how I feel when I told him about this guy my law student boyfriend of four and a half years last augest from rosscommen he is really okay about this I was so not ready to tell him yet but after we talked one week ago last saturday week I just felt so much happier and relaxed calm we didnt argue at all during our serious talk I felt so relived to finally talk to him about how I feel about the proposal of marriage I think we might be able to trust each other again he seemed to be really calm relaxed relieved and happier that I have told him the honest truth it felt so right to tell him I know he is heartbroken and devestated by me cheating on him ok maybe it was not a good idea to tell him about morgan he felt really hurt and he thought we will have a chance to be soulmates and to be together as a couple in love have a perfect relationship poor guy I really didnt mean to hurt his feelings like that and break his heart he really wanted something to hapeen with us like have a life and future together I think he is really serious about me I never meant to hurt him by telling him I had a boyfriend if things were really great with us then we should not have to breakup over that shocking proposal he didnt cheat on me being with the wife at all it is just my jealousy of her him being with the wife me being angry with him for being married to her he had been planning the wedding for weeks now in spain and I totaly accept it completely but he had been really busy with rugby training and I dont blame him for that at all he had been really supportive amd amazing texting me how he feels about everything he had been really stressed and exhusted organising the whole wedding I know he and the wife had worked really hard to have a perfect wedding they had wedding invintations to give out to everyone in my family but I was the only one who did not get a invintation to go but I didnt get to fly out to spain as it is too far for me to go and I needed to get oxygen air thats why I missed my exs wedding I really want ot go so much to enjoy their amazing super fantastic wedding day I just want to share their happiness and love for each other like mine with my boyfriend morgan you know what I am not jealous any more it is totaly gone now fianally I am really happy for my ex and his wife they are meant to be together more than anything more than me I really mean that

  370.  #370Robin on June 14, 2009 at 4:04 pm

    Hi Rori,
    I am not sure which program I should be using, and I hope you (or the ladies here) can make a recommendation? I discovered the eBook and Modern Siren program a couple of weeks ago, but I fear these tools may be too late to rescue my current situation… can you recommend anything to help “re-connect” to a man you are no longer officially in a relationship with? Is there anything you can do once he has decided to end the relationship? I really believe all of those feelings of love are still there and just need coaxing. Your Re-connect and Blue Print programs sound perfect … had I found them two months ago. Now I am not sure what to do.

    You see, I was in an exclusive relationship with the “man of my dreams” until about a month ago. We are both in our mid 30s, never been married. We met at a work party and it seemed to be love at first site. Things moved quickly because we saw each other almost every day around the office. He pursued me, had no problem expressing his feelings of love and devotion. I resisted at first, perhaps that created the “chase” men love and crave, but eventually gave in to my feelings and reciprocated.

    We dated exclusively for several months and were quite happy, so I thought. I didn’t see him outside work as much as I would like as he is a very busy actor in community theater, but I accepted his crazy schedule. Or at least I tried to. When I did see him he treated me like a beautiful goddess. He told me everyday how in love with me he was, how lucky he felt, how he couldn’t wait for it to be just the two of us. One time we joked about winning the lottery tomorrow … I asked him how he would spend his money and he said the first thing he would do was put a big fat ring on my finger! I knew it was a joke and laughed it off, but it tugged at my heart strings. Everything seemed to be falling into place.

    He often asked me if he made me happy. I told him he did, but I don’t think he believed me. I tried to explain that I was unhappy with some of our circumstances (not seeing him enough outside of work), but I loved him and being with him made me happy. Unfortunately, I do believe he suffers from depression and feelings of self-worthlessness. During the course of our relationship, there were several times when he called/texted me late night with messages like “you deserve better than me,” “why do you love me? I have nothing to offer you,” etc. I would always do my best to boost him, tell him how much I loved him and how wonderful he was.

    About 8 months into the relationship, I felt him pulling away. I really believe that once he perceived he wasn’t making me happy, he started to shut down. I made the classic mistakes – overfunctioning, asking for more time together, etc. Nothing seemed to help. Around the same time, a toxic ex-girlfriend popped back into his life, and I believe he was struggling with some unresolved feelings about her (she was never completely out of the picture, hovering like a black cloud because of the financial mess leftover from their called off engagement). We started to argue over stupid things and within 2 weeks, he told me he was unsure about us and needed to think. I was crushed. I tried to be cool about it, but it was too painful – I had to see him everyday in the office! We fought more, I got needy and clingy. He told me I got under his skin, in the wrong kind of way. Within a week, he told me he felt like I was now just a co-worker. I was devasted. Still am. Work has been torture. I had to take a week vacation and visit family just to not be around him. I ordered your ebook and read it during my trip. I ordered the Modern Siren CDs as soon as I got back. Some days he ignores me completely, other times he stops by my desk to say hi. I tried to be open and nice, someone he would want to talk to again. I just continue to make mistakes with him. As soon as I started to work the Siren tools, he I think he noticed a difference. He came over and told me had some things he wanted to explain. I said fine, but not at the office. But he never brought it up again. We were in a committed relationship for 8 months and have only been apart 6 weeks, so I know those feelings of love are still there deep down. Is there anything you recommend to get this relationship back on track? I really believe this is the man for me, and I am the woman for him. How do I make him believe that again?


  371.  #371Robin on June 14, 2009 at 4:39 pm

    Oh, I forgot to mention that late one night last week he sent me a text message “I am sorry … about not being the man you deserve. My life is a mess … it isnt an excuse and you deserve better.” I didnt know how to respond. I just said, “I am sorry you feel that way” and he responded with “Not as sorry as I am. I am ridiculous… I hate myself for what I am.” Normally I would have placated him, but I ju