More On Getting Triggered And Not “Fixing”

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glass-ballThe response to my last post about “doing nothing” inspired a great question:

“Isn’t “doing” the Rori Raye Tools “doing” something?”

This question was beautifully answered by Indigo:

 “I think Rori means “do nothing” in the sense of, don’t try to fix things.”

Now – I wanted to write more:

Indigo – Yes, Thank You – “do nothing” is about not “fixing” or “creating” or “taking action” or “strategizing…”

The Tools are, for me, like breathing…if I find myself holding my breath, I remember to breathe, and just let the breathing happen.

If I find myself in my head, or leaning forward, or trying to fix or analyze, the awareness itself seems to bring on a Tool of “Touching Objects” or “The Dance Position,” or just “Sinking In…”

Then, yes, I consciously “do” the Tool…so, you’re right, there, too – by putting my attention on the Tool instead of my “fixing” strategy…I am also putting my attention on my belly, and letting the air of my breath go fully down into there.

There is no way I can express “switching my attention” in any way that doesn’t seem like “doing” – and, essentially – “Practice” IS a “doing.”

I “do” my “practice.”

And – I believe this “doing” of the “practice” is why these Tools work so well and quickly – they give our “boy” energy something to do!

We can “do” the Tool instead of what we instinctively want to “do” that never works – those “mental strategies” that only bring tension, anxiety, stress, fear and the blocking of the flow of love – love coming in and love going out of us.

Our boy energy makes the “decision” to “do” the Tool instead of the strategy!

Love, Rori


  1.  #1IamHis on October 6, 2014 at 6:19 am

    Love this, Rori. Thank you. It feels really scary to “do” the tools sometimes. It doesn’t feel natural. I want it to feel natural and safe…

  2.  #2IamHis on October 6, 2014 at 6:24 am

    I have felt tremendously sad ever since seeing him. It doesn’t feel good to feel sad! I feel angry that I feel sad! I don’t want to feel anything for a stupid man who is stupid enough to let me go, choose someone else, and yet still want my attention.

    My little girl inside is screaming SCREW YOU!

  3.  #3IamHis on October 6, 2014 at 6:29 am

    I feel angry and nervous that someone is going to judge me, tell me it’s all in my head. It’s not in my head, it’s emotions in my body! I don’t know why they are there, but does it matter? Emotions are not logical, but they certainly are signals. I feel angry that I get so hung up on unavailable men. & go straight to running and fault – finding with available men. I feel frantic! Maybe it’s just my morning coffee. It would feel good if my mind and emotions could just slow down…

  4.  #4IamHis on October 6, 2014 at 6:30 am

    Sobbing would actually feel amazingly good, but I need privacy…

  5.  #5Millie on October 6, 2014 at 8:52 am

    Hi everybody!! I’ve been out of town for the last couple weeks, in Paris for work…which was such a beautiful and enlightening experience. I feel so happy to be home in my quant little apartment and ready to get back in the groove of my life.

    Being away in a foreign country really helped me… I feel like being out of my element was what needed. It took my out of my mental routine and threw me into new situations. I feel my mental patterns broke. One evening with my coworkers, they asked me what my younger brother is like. I told them oh he is the opposite of me… He is easy to be with, very light and fun, and jokes a lot. They all stared at me with blank faces and said “how is that the opposite of you?” I said oh well you know I’m not very social and I’m very serious and kind of say the wrong thing a lot. Again, they all stared at me with blank, unknowing expressions, and said “that’s not you at all.” It actually felt weird because I was so evidently wrong and the conversation became completely disconnected at that moment. It made me realize that my perception if myself is very thwarted. And my perception if situations is also thwarted. Example: this new guy wants to take me out, but I don’t feel interested, I feel resistant to going. He texted me while I was in Paris asking how it was going…. My initial response was not appreciation, but “how dare he text me internationally? How presumptuous of him to assume I have a phone plan that would allow me to have a conversation through texting from another country.” I told my friends that and they all laughed and were totally confused by my reaction! They said it was a sweet gesture. I realized then too, that my perception of others is also thwarted. I’m not seeing things for what they are… In their simplest form. I’m tainting them.

    I also felt triggered one night when my boss asked all of us about our love lives and I said I don’t have one. They dote on my coworkers who are married or engaged and I have nothing to say, nor do I want to share my inner feelings with my boss who at this point I feel little respect for and who is not successful in her relationships. Anyway, for the first time on the trip, I felt thst familiar freezing feeling come over me and lock my throat. I stayed quiet the rest of the night. But walking home I felt like what I needed to hear from myself is that, “I don’t need to hold on to _______ anymore.” I don’t need to hold on to these thwarted perceptions if myself, I don’t need to hold on to past experiences or things people said or how I felt when they said them. I can let it go. Feeling a clean slate before me is one of the best feelings!

    So I’m not sure why I feel resistant to go out with this new guy, it could be perhaps that one, I’m not attracted to him and two, my friend who introduced me to him doesn’t speak well if him. It also could be I don’t trust myself anymore. I’m make poor choices, I follow the wrong feelings….I don’t handle rejection well, so maybe my resistance is my body trying to protect itself.

    There’s another new guy on the scene… Someone I started talking to over Facebook who lives in another state. We have one mutual friend but I’ve never met him. I added him because I thought he was cute haha. It started slow, and then he began messaging me here and there and lately we e been talking a lot. He suggested we talk on the phone which I’m happy to do! I light up when I receive a message from him… He comes across as very passionate and caring. It was really cute, he wrote me a long message the night of his birthday telling me this song came on that made him think of me…and the. He wrote another message the following morning saying he felt embarrassed and tried to delete it. Haha! That made me smile really was so endearing. So, the big BUT in this is that he is very very religious and I’m not. I asked him about his religion and he said he prefers to talk about it with me over the phone. I think that when it comes to a romantic relationship, two people need to have similar beliefs because eventually that will trickle down to how you raise your children. Obviously I haven’t met him or talked to him about it yet, but we are drawn to each other, so I at least want to be open to hearing his story and making a judgement from there.

    So that’s my update! So nice to be home, looking forward to reading everyone’s news 🙂

  6.  #6Kim on October 6, 2014 at 9:23 am

    Sassy, previous post, thank you.
    I feel soooo odd…honestly.
    The weekend with those two reminded me of meeting up with a side arm of my Dad’s family, that were a little ‘strange’ and we all used to make fun of them..and they would be the oens where brother and sister might sleep in the same bed in their 40’s.
    That is not my kind of normal.
    I thought he was pretty normal.
    Now I am imagining them in bed….and I have not had much contact with him in the mornings because they both sleep long. I also feel kind of nauseous about that whole scenario.
    This man has weird ass attachments going on, and I think the thing with the ex is a similar thing.
    I doubt he will understand if I say something, but increasingly I see now what they are all single.
    Weird, weird, weird.

    Also, he said one thing when I said I was not a fan of pitbulls, something later on when we talked about other things ‘my sister is like me, she likes all animals, pitbulls too’
    And said that I was mean.

    OMG. Do I have to run?

  7.  #7Sassy on October 6, 2014 at 9:38 am


    Sweetie, I can’t tell you what to do. I can only say to step back, really look at the entire situation objectively, including all the times he’s run to help the ex, examine your feelings and what is in your heart and decide from there if this is what you want in your life. As Dominique says, can you accept and even love him just as he is now? (and then run….lol jk)

  8.  #8Kim on October 6, 2014 at 9:42 am

    I can’t accept what I saw this weekend, no lol.

  9.  #9Femininewoman on October 6, 2014 at 9:52 am

    I dunno. A man sleeping with his sister in the same bed is weird? I would do that with at least one of my brothers because we are close. I also know other people from big families that would be comfortable with it. Maybe it is a culture thing but I see nothing wrong. If I can sleep with a stranger what would be wrong with sleeping with family?

    To me what is odd is the one night stand arrangement with a stranger.

  10.  #10Indigo on October 6, 2014 at 10:01 am


    If it was a desperate situation I would sleep in the same bed as my brother or a guy friend… but it would be one of those one-off, had no other choice situations. To me it would really depend with this guy whether it was a one-off, extremely unusual situation, or whether it was a regular thing. If it was a regular thing, I’d run a mile. Not because someone being close with their sister is wrong, but because it signals a level of intimacy that I would want to be reserved for me – someone who shares this level of intimacy with others is a dealbreaker for me.

    Sorry Kim – you need to make up your own mind.

  11.  #11Azure Blu on October 6, 2014 at 10:14 am

    Sirens not sure who said this…Maybe Rori….
    ““Step 1: Notice Your Old Story in Love
    When you experience a disappointment in love, step back from your automatic thoughts and feelings. Notice your own consciousness and ask yourself, “What’s the story I’m telling myself about what just happened? What’s the meaning I’m making about who I am and what’s possible for me in love? How often have I told myself this same sad story?”

    Step 2: Ask yourself, “What’s really true?”
    Take a step back and allow yourself to drop down into a deeper center within yourself, to the part of you that is not emotionally reactive and is able to contemplate this next question.
    When you’re able to connect with this deeper part of yourself that is able to remain open and curious about your automatic assumptions, ask yourself:
    “Is the story I’m telling really true? If I had a daughter who I loved deeply and she had this disappointment in love, what would I tell her about her own worthiness to love and be loved? What story would I tell her about the possibilities she held for love in this lifetime?

    Step 3: Write this new story down and begin to tell it to yourself from now on!”

  12.  #12Azure Blu on October 6, 2014 at 10:15 am

    This is Rori…
    “The only thing that means anything is how you feel about YOURSELF in his presence.

    So take out your piece of paper and turn it over. Now write a list of how you want to FEEL about YOURSELF in your “perfect” RELATIONSHIP!

    The only thing that matters is this entry on your list: “When I’m with him, and even when I’m NOT with him – I feel loved, cared for, happy and secure. “ That’s it.

    When I’m with him I FEEL about me…
    Cared for,

  13.  #13prplpsn28 on October 6, 2014 at 10:23 am

    IamHis. I know how you feel. I feel the same way.

  14.  #14Azure Blu on October 6, 2014 at 10:27 am

    very profound insights you have shared!
    Your friends put up a Mirror for you to see YOU!!!
    AMAZING revelations… so powerful for the Universe to be leading you forward…

    In regards to this new guy who is religious…
    I just dated a guy for 3 months who’s religion was VERY different from mine… We wanted to explore the possibilites…
    When i shared with him, last week, it is VERY important to accept and respect each others beliefs and how would it feel if I didn’t change…
    a week later he asked to take a break and think things over… I needed a break also…

    Of course I am very sad… He is VERY close to what I am looking for…

    I don’t feel ok when I’m with him lately because
    it feels like he is wanting me to become SUPER

    this is My humble opinion… ASK good questions “Can you accept me just the way I am or do I need to do something (according to your beliefs) to become the right person for you?”

  15.  #15IamHis on October 6, 2014 at 10:45 am

    Hmm…I wonder if humans use religion as yet another block to intimacy. Then again, it is REALLY important that two people are on the same page when it comes to those things. I’ve heard nightmarish stories about religious conflict in marriage.

    If religion can cause war among whole nations, then it can certainly wreak havoc on a marriage.

    Pure & undefiled religion is this: to serve widows and orphans in their distress.

  16.  #16Kim on October 6, 2014 at 11:34 am

    Indigo, not a one off, happens when she comes down, couple times a year…

  17.  #17Kim on October 6, 2014 at 11:37 am

    What felt wrong was not them sleeping in one bed so much, but him rushing out in the middle of the night to crawl into that bed, instead of calling and saying he would be back in the morning.

    That, I found extremely odd. Actually, icky. Not like an adult man.

  18.  #18Kim on October 6, 2014 at 11:42 am

    Thank you for all your – different – opinions!!

  19.  #19Dominique on October 6, 2014 at 11:44 am

    Millie – 5 – Can you see what a HUGE aha moment this is? Enormous revelations, and I feel so proud of you for recognizing this in you. And know you are SO not alone in your at times skewed perceptions. Most of us have them at least a little, especially when it comes to self. And now you see it, and next time a judgment or thought around you or someone else comes up which feels bad, you will be able to go – hmmm, I wonder if this is really so? What if it weren’t so? What if it was the complete opposite even? How would I feel if things were this way, or the other way, or some way I haven’t yet thought of? – And so on.
    YAY YOU!!!


  20.  #20Mandy on October 6, 2014 at 2:24 pm

    Ohhh…okay…I did my homework…I’ve delved way deep into my feelings on the situation I’ve explained to everyone here and have come to a huge realization…Can’t make coffee, can’t go to the gym…not until I’ve gotten it out…

    This is the HUGE realization – here it is, it’s complicated, so bear with me – I’ve allowed there to be an open window for J to fly away if he so chooses, not only that, but I’m testing him subconsciously to see if he will actually fly out that window…and upon realizing this, it feels so utterly sad it’s disabling… Why I feel the need to do this, I’ve figured out, is this…I’ve been in so many monogamous relationships that have lasted so long and then ended traumatically against my will (I have never, ever been the one to do the dumping), it’s like this – “Well, everyone else has left me by now, because I’m not good enough for them…so now it’s your turn, are you going to do it?”

    I know I don’t want him to leave. It is absolutely not that I am not happy with him, it’s the OPPOSITE…I am SO happy with him, it’s like I am waiting for it to be ruined. It’s like I almost expect J to leave at this point and I’m just sitting here watching to to see if he actually does get fed up with me…every turn I make. Every thing I do, I see myself looking to him to see if he’s had with me yet or not. SO I guess maybe my whole thing of saying “Hey this picture has been bothering me for EVER”…was a way of me testing his patience, and at the same time get my feelings and truth out and fix it. As a matter of fact I know it was…even though it was also me finding enough strength and gumption to finally say it, VERY MUCH unlike my past in which I’d sweep it under the rug and pretend it was okay and smooth it over. I didn’t feel it was very Sireny of me to ask him to do what I asked him to do, I felt it was me demanding that he do something, almost to see if he it would break his patience. His patience is unbreakable…I’ve lost 50 lbs while being with him and chopped all my hair off, and it didn’t even make him flinch, when it could possibly worry or disturb any other man. This is exciting for me, because i know i can grow and change and have no problems, but I noticed this and now I feel it going overboard…like what if I try this, what if I try this too…

    A VERY important detail here is THIS – Something VERY similar happened with J earlier this summer – it was almost identical to what is happening with me and the picture thing… Something emotional about me and us came up for him that he’d been ignoring for a long time, which questioned my trustworthiness – He felt very afraid for a long time might be possible that I emotionally manipulated him into letting me move in with him when we first went out by telling him my home life was abusive (even though it was no manipulation, it was absolutely true and I would never lie to him about that), as he had been very awfully manipulated by many a woman before me. He hid this feeling for two years, and he finally admitted after two years it had been bothering him, and that he needed to know the truth, did I manipulate him, did I lie, was this all based on a lie. It was brutal, it hurt, and I cried a whole lot when he admitted that he had a trust issue with me when I had never done anything to make him not trust me, but after he explained his vulnerability of having past hurts and trust issues which had nothing to do with me, I realized it was just his fear and testing me to see if we were for real as he has always thought we were, and then after that was over and felt-through for both of us, we were closer than ever, and our intimacy lit back up again.

    I do believe this is me waiting and watching to see if he gets fed up with me…and Sirens…as I wait and watch, I cringe inside…I’m totally doing this to myself…And look at him…he’s still there…smiling at me so beautifully…loving me…oh God, it makes me want to bawl…and grab him and hug him and tell him never to go away…his patience hasn’t faltered ONE BIT.

    I want to be very careful when speaking of this on here, but here’s the deal…my highly-driven libido is all for the three-way thing, my mind and heart are open to it, and I’ve been open to it for so long it’s like a given in any relationship with me that it’s a highly possibly thing to happen. But could it also be another way of me testing him?

    I’m almost CERTAIN Rori has seen this “testing” behavior in women she’s worked with before, she has to have, having worked with so many…if it is happening to me, it probably has happened to others, I’m probably NOT alone here…I just haven’t heard about it in any of the programs I’ve ordered because I don’t own all of them…either that or it was in a program but I missed it because I didn’t understand the lesson…

    Is any Siren here familiar with this behavior I’m speaking of…doing things to test a guy, to see if he will stay??? Please excuse my colorful language, but it totally feels bat-shit crazy on my part to do that…I feel bat-shit crazy right now…it isn’t situational, no one and no happening caused this, it’s all coming from inside, flowing like lava out of a volcano that just totally woke up. I mean, I don’t recall the last time I felt such feelings so clearly.

    Maybe this is just me standing here being open and honest about me, letting every mask I’ve ever worn fall off of me in front of him…which is so painful but beautiful…wanting to know if he will be another one to leave, when he sees the truth… even if we are doing well…

    Sirens…I wish one of you were here so I could squeeze you and just cry real hard …I don’t know why I’d subconsciously do something so utterly STUPID as to test my dear, loving J…I love him so much I…can’t describe it…

    Ohhhh…my heart feels like so much is coming right out of it it feels stretched painfully…it’s like I can’t stop riffing…the words and the feelings and the tears won’t stop coming…I have to admit I’ve never felt so Sireny…even in all my pain and stupid, dorky, idiotic feelings…this is about as feminine and vulnerable as it gets for me right here…it’s just pouring out…

    Maybe I can tell him when he asks after work today, because he will ask (it is impossible for me to hide my feelings, they are practically written across my forehead like a billboard all the time.) I feel…and maybe I can just let him ask and tell him and then let him hug me and take care of me…I have a gut feeling if I just tell him about this utterly weak-feeling, innocent vulnerability he will just want to hold me and not let go, that he will understand and maybe be reminded of when he felt this way… That is a very usual reaction he has when I feel so weak and small and like I want to be open and honest with him even if I look like a dork in front of him…when it has happened before, like when I admitted jealousy and looked down with a look of sadness on my face, he practically jumped on me and made me feel better. It will feel good, and we can both know neither of us want to go anywhere, but we both have past issues to just work through…

    Thank you for listening and I love you all…time to do something fun…since I did all this work just now getting it out and hurting…

  21.  #21Linda on October 6, 2014 at 2:43 pm

    I was super busy over the week end. I did not have time to even check back on the blog after I commented. From last thread…

    As an update Saturday morning I called my contractor. No answer or returned call. I text him, no reply. I tried another number that was on my contract. He answered that one! I let him know that was feeling very uneasy about how things were going and the lack of progress on the work he was contracted to do. He offer excuses, rain etc… I cut that off and said that was two days ago I am talking about now not the past. I said I hired you to do a job and in good faith paid for the materials as you required and you have not done what was agreed upon so far. He assured me he would be coming. Well he eventually came at 2pm and worked 2 1/2 hrs and left with 1/8th of the job done. I called him yesterday and got some clarification on what he had completed because if he was done it was not acceptable to me. He is scheduled to come tomorrow (Tuesday). I will FIRMLY say that if he does not keep his word to me and get this done tomorrow then I will be pursuing refund and or legal action.

    What is triggered… so may similarities to what we all encounter in dating. The Only this is very different. This is NOT dating.

  22.  #22Mandy on October 6, 2014 at 2:47 pm

    It doesn’t hurt me
    You want to feel how it feels
    You want to know, know that it doesn’t hurt me
    You want to hear about the deal I’m making

    And if I only could
    Make a deal with God
    And get him to swap our places
    Be running up that road
    Be running up that hill
    Be running up that building
    If I only could

    You don’t want to hurt me,
    But see how deep the bullet lies
    Unaware that I’m tearing you asunder
    There is thunder in our hearts, baby
    So much hate for the ones we love
    Tell me, we both matter, don’t we?

    You, be running up that hill
    You and me, be running up that hill
    You and me won’t be unhappy

    If I only could
    Make a deal with God
    And get him to swap our places
    Be running up that road
    Be running up that hill
    Be running up that building
    If I only could

    Come on baby
    Come on darling
    Let me steal this moment from you now
    Come on, angel
    Come on come on darling
    Let’s exchange the experience

    And if I only could,
    Make a deal with God,
    And get him to swap our places,
    Be running up that road,
    Be running up that hill
    With no problem

  23.  #23Femininewoman on October 6, 2014 at 3:02 pm

    I see what you mean Kim.

  24.  #24Femininewoman on October 6, 2014 at 3:06 pm

    Mandy it is not stupid behavior at all. As a matter of fact, it is normal. We all have a level of intimacy that we are comfortable with. Anything more and we are likely to sabotage it. What you have done here is shine a light of awareness on a pattern, a behavior that will no longer creep up on you unawareness, behind your radar of consciousness. This is a great big step. Celebrate yourself.

  25.  #25Linda on October 6, 2014 at 3:06 pm

    I know that some of the feeling I have been having around this whole thing is just l like I have felt in romantic relationships. This has come up because I have to press thru what feels uncomfortable to me about all this.

    I will press thru and heal the things in me that men that I have let in my life, trusted, invested in damage. I get it. I see how this situation mirrors all of that. I am starting to feel clear headed about all of this.

  26.  #26Dominique on October 6, 2014 at 3:20 pm

    Mandy – 20 – You are so awesome!!! Maybe these articles will help shed some light here –


  27.  #27Dominique on October 6, 2014 at 3:20 pm

  28.  #28Dominique on October 6, 2014 at 3:21 pm

  29.  #29Sassy on October 6, 2014 at 3:54 pm

    Mandy, I agree with FW, your fears and feelings are normal. We all test and get tested by the people in our lives who matter to us. As Rori says, you can’t say the wrong thing to the right man.

    My only caution to you would be about the threesome. Be very careful, discuss it with J, your expectations, the outcome you are hoping to achieve and most importantly, lay ground rules. Have a “safe” word or phrase if it begins to feel uncomfortable.

  30.  #30April Rose on October 6, 2014 at 4:05 pm

    Just wanted to say hello and send love to all you wonderful ladies.
    I have only encouragement and warm feelings to offer to every one of you. I feel a lot of compassion for all of us and our individual struggles.
    And, at the moment I’m experiencing the yumminess of the collective feminine spirit, which soars softly above all suffering and distress.

  31.  #31April Rose on October 6, 2014 at 4:10 pm

    In my own life, I’m feeling soothed by a growing sense of trust in myself and the choices I am making day by day.
    I have a keener sense of what feels healthy (for my body, heart, and soul) and in harmony with my values.
    I am no longer sacrificing those things. Not even a little bit!

  32.  #32Kim on October 6, 2014 at 4:20 pm

    I had a day of venting…lol…here, and in siren’s cove. I was venting and venting. And I feel so lucky to have this place and the other, to vent. Instead of lashing out angrily at the guy.

    He only does what he does. My job is to work out if it is enough for me. Not to cut him down because he is being who he is.

    I feel sad because we had some very, very good times. But I remember: there were reasons why we dated off and on, and not ‘on’ for over a year.
    There were reasons why I dumped him before.
    I don’t know whether he can do relationship and it is sad because he wants it so badly. This weekend has shown me a man, very set in his ways, very mich catering to difficult personalities, like the ex (who had and continues to have difficulties) and the sister, who was in rehab and was a drug and alcohol addict and is a difficult and demanding person (i actually like her, she has something nice about her too).

    Me, I am just easy going…no extremes, I like to live a harmonious easy life. Of course he is attracted to that…obviously…but I would always come last.

    Today, I received one text message. Yesterday, I conceded to last minute plans. The day before, I was at dinner and felt like a fifth wheel because he was somehow acting embarrassed. Yesterday, he rushed out of my apartment to get home into bed with his adult sister.
    When I look at the facts and how all this makes me feel, I already have my answer.

  33.  #33Kim on October 6, 2014 at 4:22 pm

    He changed with me quite a lot, but I guess he didn’t change enough to make a decent partner for me. Someone I would want to get married to.
    I am unsure now whether I should keep dating him or just find more new guys…
    I think this has started to feel bad and I promised myself to get out of it when it starts to feel bad.

  34.  #34Azure Blu on October 6, 2014 at 7:42 pm

    Linda #21
    It feels to me like you have shared with him YOUR wants and concerns…
    You are giving him another chance…
    And giving him fair warning…
    I feel happy that you are setting strong boundaries,
    and holding them…
    YOUR Masculine energy taking good care of YOU!!

  35.  #35Violette on October 6, 2014 at 9:41 pm

    Indigo I relate to what you said on the last post about wanting a friend. I dream of having a handful…even one really close girlfriend I can just call on the phone and talk to. Feel safe with. Have fun with. Over lots of years.

    I yearn for it. I want it more sometimes than a wonderful husband.

    Although that is a nice desire too.

  36.  #36Emerson on October 6, 2014 at 9:57 pm

    17 Kim if it feels “off” to you…then stay true to your gut feeling. I find that trying to convince myself otherwise just ends up prolonging the confusion and weirdness. I don’t know if I’d feel comfortable in your situation either. The sister seems very important to him. Although I could respect that, as you said it seems that you are not feeling like a priority. I think Rori says something like ask yourself how you feel when you are with him and also how you feel when you are not with him. That will give you a lot of information.

  37.  #37Emerson on October 6, 2014 at 9:58 pm

    I wrote this on the other post, cutting and pasting here..
    Wow yes to answer the question of this post and article, my family triggers me a lot.

    And also my coworkers on my current team, I am feeling so triggered but unnecessary drama right now. And somehow I’ve found myself smack dab in the middle of it!
    I don’t want to be in the middle of it, but here I am. Is it because I want to be because as Rori says it feel like home somehow?
    Or is it because I am a leader of my team and I have to address tough issues and drama is sometimes inevitable when people are being held accountable?
    I have a partnership with one of my coworkers that is willing to help me resolve some conflict going on right now, and honestly I just want to run from it.
    I can’t run this time.
    I have to face it.
    Freaking A. I have to face it alright.
    And there’s a lot at stake here.
    I feel overwhelmed and resentful for the drama which I feel is overdramatic antics and ridiculousness. I feel annoyed by the situation itself.
    I came home tonight and asked myself, how can I step outside this feeling of drama and escape the feeling of heaviness, why am I bringing it home with me?
    I feel a heaviness and a mad face thinking about tomorrow, and tightness in my tummy and feeling like clenched fists over my abdomen and eyes shut. I feel scared and headachy and increased heart rate.
    I feel furious and I feel like running away.
    And I will accept my partners offer to be a buffer and help resolve the drama.
    I was also reminding myself today to calm myself down that I am giving it way more power than I should be.
    Any reframing tips would be greatly appreciated.

  38.  #38Emerson on October 6, 2014 at 10:02 pm

    The rest of my day, however, I was privileged to be with great coworkers in a special assignment. I normally don’t work with them, and I wish I did. They are both delightful and easy to work with. Very ambitious young men who are gentlemen and work hard. And we get along so well, with no stress. Lots of laughing and easygoing work flow at the same time. Seriously like night and day compared to the team I work with day to day…the drama team.
    The problem is one person is always complaining, and she is complaining to one person in the team and then then rest of us don’t know she has a problem. Then that person comes and tells me that she has a problem about x, y, z, and 20 other things. Her complaining is starting to get on my nerves. And she never approaches the people she has a beef with directly. She’s always talking to this supervisor about it and he comes to me and tells me. It then becomes a huge issue because then I am compelled to address it as the team leader on the project. Just a big waste of time for one dramatic a-hole!!!!
    feeling furious about it now!!!

  39.  #39Emerson on October 6, 2014 at 10:04 pm

    My gut instinct is to give swift and just consequence, if you’re complying and not pulling your weight, we will not support you and pull your weight over and over again! It’s not fair and it’s a waste of effort for the whole team, and our work quality suffers.
    Eventually, she won’t be able to keep up if everyone stops pulling the slack up…
    And everyone wants to avoid conflict so they avoid her….I don’t blame them, I feel the same way.
    Ugh, this is taking over my psyche and I want to go to sleep.

  40.  #40Emerson on October 6, 2014 at 10:15 pm

    What great timing reading this article about not fixing….just use the tools… What if that is all I have to do tomorrow?

  41.  #41Indigo on October 7, 2014 at 2:02 am

    Violette 35,

    Yes there are often times I yearn for a close friend more than for a wonderful husband.

    A wonderful husband is so lovely in its own way, yet there will always be things you cannot talk about with him, things he cannot understand, ways he cannot and should not be expected to support you. Friends round out one’s life by providing that balance… that intimacy and closeness which has nothing to do with life partnership. Just that sounding board, that person to be there, that person you trust – yes in some ways I miss it more than a man, because I rely on it more.

  42.  #42Kim on October 7, 2014 at 4:19 am

    36 Emerson, yes!
    I also thought of that Rori line.

    Now I am not sure how to handle this. He sent me a late good night text..that and the text midday was all the communication I had, we were supposed to go bowling and I never heard a yay or nay…but ok.

    I just don’t want to answer. Is that mean? Not because I want to ‘punish’, but because I am fed up, don’t know what to say and have no more energy.

    I feel bad, but….none of those texts even asked me a question. I ran out of fuel for this bs.

  43.  #43Femininewoman on October 7, 2014 at 5:00 am

    Millie thanks for sharing. Such great insight. Maybe it would be a good thing for you to go to new unfamiliar places on your own. Different neighborhood, new restaurant etc.

    Hope you got a chance to enjoy Paris.

  44.  #44RileyTheOwl on October 7, 2014 at 8:11 am

    Kim, if neither of the texts asked a question… And you are feeling a little like you have no more energy or your energy is just being sucked away from this… Then I feel like it’s perfectly ok to not respond. If you’re doing it for yourself, then it’s more than ok 🙂 (as you probably already know)

    I’m actually honestly hoping you don’t respond… Because I’m feeling really triggered by how this guy is acting withr you, and I’m getting a he-doesn’t-deserve-you vibe from what you’ve said so far. A he doesn’t deserve more of your time and energy until he steps up a little bit…

  45.  #45Mandy on October 7, 2014 at 9:39 am

    Sassy, Dominique, and Femininewoman – reporting back to you, since you’ve been so kind to help me yesterday…

    Big huge whopping epiphany yesterday, and thank you for helping and being a part of my journey, my wild emotional ride… That was one of those moments where it was like, whoa, my heart is flooding open and it actually hurts to be flooding open so wide with all that. I even talked to my mom about it, described the behavior pattern to her, and she replied, “Well, ya, that does sound like you, it does make sense.” She knows me, she is a Special Education teacher who deals with students with issues such as mine, and says that I’ve been dealt a rough set of cards in life with the Tourette’s Syndrome and other medical problems, so (to her at least) it makes sense that I’d test people to see if they can handle my shit, lol, and see if they are in it for the long run. I think she might even feel it is justified, completely. But no matter. How I feel is that I need to notice this and riff it out when I notice I feel the need to push those buttons with my dear J.

    I DID celebrate yesterday, I sure did! J invited me to his store so I went (Halloween store, hehe…yes I am totally a kid at heart!) and I bought myself a skirt that not only I liked but he ended up liking too, and he wants to take a picture of me in it! What I went through yesterday before I went to the store gave me the biggest feeling of happiness just seeing him and being with him and knowing that all really is well…just…had the best feeling just BEING with him, not doing anything in particular, just being with him…it felt so relieving, so HAPPY just to have him by my side and be able to look at him and smile. I was beaming at him, and he felt it. Might’ve actually wondered why I was beaming so much, lol.

    Dominique, it is funny you gave me those links, you read my mind, because I was actually going to go look for a piece on this right before I came to the blog here to report back, I knew it had to be in there somewhere on your site, lol!

    I feel so conscious of my feelings and thoughts and decisions so this epiphany really came as a shock to me, how could I possibly do something subconsciously, but maybe human beings are *just* not always aware or in control of all of their psychological behaviors.

    In case it’s not obvious, I feel a *lot* better today. I feel this is a manageable issue if I think critically about it and feel my way through it, notice when it happens and riff it out when it does.

    Anyone ever had a tough time undoing some unsavory behaviors? I liken it maybe to quitting smoking or changing dietary lifestyle, which I’ve done.

    Thanks again from the bottom of my heart for listening Sirens. This supportive group is the best ever….

  46.  #46Mandy on October 7, 2014 at 9:48 am

    PS – this is incredibly important for me to remember – “Your past DO NOT detract from your allure, they only add depth and gorgeousness”

    So when I feel bad, and I feel it to the Nth degree, I at least revel in the fact I am feeling, because it is beautiful, there’s an opportunity there, a big one, to dazzle and shine. There’s that embarrassed part of me that subconsciously tries to hide my awkwardness, dorkiness, jealousy, yucky stuff, but when it comes out, I’ve seen J be dazzled by it time and time again. It’s fascinating to see it happen…he practically pounces on me when this happens, and when I allow myself to “shine” my emotions, it doesn’t matter what they are, I shine on the outside, in a very positive way, I can feel it. It is good.

  47.  #47Kim on October 7, 2014 at 10:03 am

    44 Riley..right!
    I guess the trouble is that he is clueless and not necessarily being horrible or nasty, which is why I always end up feeling sorry for him.
    Bottom line is that I am almost 40 years old and I was confined to a week of celibacy because we had to act like sneaky teenagers around his sister…and he couldn’t even stay one night here and rushed home at midnight. No matter how clueless, kt felt bad to me. I don’t want to be in kindergarten.
    He is not moving anything forward.
    Perhaps he can’t do relationship..perhaps he has no idea what a relationship/marriage entails…to me it does not entail sneaking around relatives pretending we are asexual and don’t spend nights together.
    To me it entails an ‘us’ and not a ‘we’ll let you know if we graciously let you spend some time with us’.
    Or ‘let’s go bowling tomorrow’ and never hearing a peep.

    It feels silly, immature, annoying and irritating.
    I do believe we all deserve better. If he asks me again why I don’t consider a relationship with him and am dating other guys he will get his answer. Till then I am no longer wasting energy.

  48.  #48Kim on October 7, 2014 at 10:05 am

    He has a habit of considering everybody’s feelings and whims, even the ex’s, before mine.
    Because I am his easy going, good feeling, no pressure date.
    That’s stoppinb right now.

  49.  #49Mandy on October 7, 2014 at 10:07 am

    From some digging I did…

    It is a wonder sometimes why we need to dig for the answers to our questions about ourselves, but usually they are able to be found when a little work is done. I know I am quite defensive as i am a sensitive extrovert and have had problems with hurt feelings all my life, so if I anticipate a “hurt” from my partner, such as sexual withdrawal, I’ll just put up my emotional fists and start throwing jabs at my partner. Yikes! Right, like he’s going to want to get close and personal when I’m throwing jabs…lol…NOPE…

    This is a cause for a good pampering session, a good spoiling of myself…though this time I believe it will take more than just a new set of gorgeous nails, lol…:) Thinking of what REALLY feels good, is laughter and friends really, things that make me excited/pasionate, seeing musical/burlesque/theatrical/dance performances, karaoke, a big night out all dressed up. 🙂 Haven’t done that in awhile, what with my surgery and all. Usually when I dress to the nines, it is for work, doing modeling, which I love, but maybe I should set something up with a friend to dress really nice and go out. 🙂

  50.  #50Femininewoman on October 7, 2014 at 10:32 am

    RE 48 – I hope so Kim. For your sake.

  51.  #51RileyTheOwl on October 7, 2014 at 11:52 am

    Kim, you are awesome. You just seem so grounded and sure of yourself to me, and I admire that. You know what you want, and you’re putting yourself first… It’s so powerful. I hope everything works out for you 🙂

  52.  #52Millie on October 7, 2014 at 12:56 pm

    Azure 14– yes this is a great question to ask a man, and also to ask myself: If I’M willing to accept him as he is, if he doesn’t share MY views. I haven’t talked to him on the phone yet, but I’m excited to!

    Dominique–YES!!! this revelation feels so freeing and open!

    Femininewoman 43–yes Paris was lovely, I had evenings free to go to dinner and wander about. I think that going to new places locally and planning new travel adventures is a great idea. I already feel different, like I’ve let go of a lot and “don’t need” some nasty voices. Shedding those voices feels great!

  53.  #53Kim on October 7, 2014 at 12:56 pm

    It’s tough to know what to do for the best, so I decided to do nothing.

    It’s a fine line between putting oneself first and becoming emotionally unavailable by shutting down.

    I don’t want to shut down but at the same time my needs are not being met. And I feel pissed and selfish….am I?
    Because this is exactly what I will be accused of if I were to talk to him about it.

    It seems to me, that to him it is ok when other people act selfish, i e the ex calls in the middle of the night about her computer or his sister does not help when boating and just watches….but when I do that (because I am considered capable, easy going, reasonable etc), then it would be considered wrong.

    There was even an episode when we were out on the boat and something was said about his sisters’ extremely white skin being the reason why she is not an outdoors person and we can’t stay outside too long…and I happened to say something like ‘if you cover up and put lots of sunscreen, the afternoon sun isn’t as bad as midday’…..and he said something like ‘well you with your olive skin don’t know what it’s like’. Even my skin is too easy going? My skin is not a high enough degree of difficulty..what hope have I got?

    This is not just a funny anecdote, it goes to show that it does not always work in our favor to be a chilled out and easy going personality. I have noticed often that who shouts loudest and moans loudest, gets the most attention.

    I am not going to change my character…and turn into a needy unrelaxed nightmare…I am just better off finding someone who appreciates that about me….some people love the drama. I don’t.

  54.  #54Azure Blu on October 7, 2014 at 1:12 pm

    Lovely Siren… I’ve been reading about you and MoM tand I haven’t known what to say…

    You must be disappointed as he was moving the relationship forward and listening and responding to your wants… He certainly did invite you to meet his sister, which is a big thing to him… he seems to be letting go of the ex..
    I know for me… when I start spending more and more time with a guy… even though it IS what I want…
    things happen that cause me AND him to take some space… maybe it is a time of self reflection…
    finding out WHY this is triggering you…
    Rori mentions about men being our mirror…
    There are some great FREE coaching sessions available… I know they have HELPED ME!!
    Love you and admire all your searching and sharing and kind, warm heart!!!

  55.  #55redbutterfly on October 7, 2014 at 1:30 pm

    Kim, I feel bad for all you have been going through lately. This is just me but I think at this point, I would dump him. Sometimes you just can tell in your gut that they are not going to work out. Why put the energy and effort into it. The thing with his ex would have maybe changed but when it comes to his family, he will never change. Next! 🙂

  56.  #56redbutterfly on October 7, 2014 at 1:32 pm

    And I agree, running home to snuggle with your sister is just plain weird! Maybe it is our culture that makes it that way but he isn’t from a different culture, is he? That would have been the last straw for me.

  57.  #57Waterfall on October 7, 2014 at 2:37 pm

    Sirens, I am having so many a-ha moments. Wow… It feels lovely… But there is still a part of me that is stratergising… Hoping for my Mr Right. Or should I say desperately hoping for my Mr Right. I am realising now how I am squashing all of these men into boxes i want them to go in… I talk to them and I pretend to be friends with them but really I am thinking ‘ask me out!!!’.. It is obsessive with me…

    Ahhh, I know I should enjoy the journey of getting to know them. I am online dating at the mo and its so difficult.. I sooo worry about the competition and being more interesting and prettier than me…

    Ahhh I need to lean back. What will be will be…

  58.  #58April Rose on October 7, 2014 at 2:38 pm


    You seem to spend a lot of your time and energy being outraged by the actions of the latest man in your life.

    I’m giggling, cos I do it too.

    I spent far too long ‘setting traps’ for clueless men to fall into, and complaining about their behaviour when they did.

    By ‘setting traps’ I mean the subtle ‘spider’ psychology of the (masculine) female mind. It’s almost like there is an enjoyment in the outrage.

    I don’t know if you will get what I mean. I understand it could be triggering.

  59.  #59Azure Blu on October 7, 2014 at 2:50 pm

    You made me giggle… ;~>
    Me too… especially the closer I get to a man…
    My NV have a feeding frenzy….
    Ohhh… Azure… U are Sooo boring… look at how old you are getting…
    there are soo many fun and younger women…
    WHY on Gods green earth, would THIS man want to be with YOU???
    I’m working on it Sirens… and actually am MUCH better than I used to be!!!
    Wow!!! this is really triggering ME… MY stomach is knotted up… my skin is crawling…

  60.  #60Azure Blu on October 7, 2014 at 3:32 pm

    April Rose,
    Yes… I notice I do this!!!
    It is the masculine energy strategizing…
    the vibe from that is not safety or authenticity
    which is what I want to be for people whom I love and care for…
    Is the anecdote to that becoming MORE aware of MY feelings when I am with people and men? Sharing what i am feeling… I know THIS is a learning curve for ME right now…

  61.  #61Kim on October 7, 2014 at 4:19 pm

    April Rose…hmm…I don’t know whether I enjoy the outrage so much.
    Not really. It’s not even really outrage…I like to use flowery language and I am pretty impulsive…and calm down just as easily.
    I feel calm.
    I don’t know whether it is my issues that result in this, or his….or the mix. No idea.
    I am very fast, impulsive, energetic.
    This morning he sent me a message that he has hardly heard from me. I replied. He never did. That just feels plain weird to me.
    And boring. I mean, it seems other people’s feeling, including his are always more important….I feel my little girl screaming: ‘and what about me?’
    I was not told of change in plans. I was abandoned in the middle of the night. I was the one who hearn nothing pretty much all day yesterday…and I do not reply once…only one time I do not reply to him and he ‘accuses’ me of being quiet.

    Meh. Not outrage, no. IDK. Maybe I am not made to have a relationship with a man – honestly, I do see that many good men are take . I deal with the dregs…ones who never committed, or were not able to keep their marriage alive.
    I don’t remember any of this bs 15 years ago.
    I had long term, functioning relationships…yes, ups and downs of course, but nothing like this.

    What changed? It can’t just be me who changed?

    Mostly, I use this place for venting, so I am sorry if it gets up anyone’s throat, but I am not really outraged lol. I am outraged about crime and murder and bad things happening..clueless men, not so much 😉

  62.  #62Kim on October 7, 2014 at 4:20 pm

    Nose not throat.
    I guess I got confused by the whole ‘ear, nose and throat’ thing 🙂

  63.  #63RileyTheOwl on October 7, 2014 at 4:27 pm

    Ohhh my audition is tonight… Feeling some butterflies in my tummy… So nervous… Feeling excited for the dancing part and a little nervous for the singing. I can do this, I believe in me 🙂

  64.  #64Kim on October 7, 2014 at 4:27 pm

    54 Azure, yes maybe!
    I was actually pleasantly surprised that I did get included in some stuff – but there was the element of:

    ‘You’re the intruder here’

    Which did not feel great. Pretending we are asexual and just friends….did not feel great. Running in the middle of the night: did not feel great.

    In hindsight, I might say that I probably feel much less inclined to meet the family of a date that is not in a committed relationship with marriage on the table, i e engaged and/or living together, now. I just don’t want to be treated like a friend when normally we are a couple.
    Plain weird.

    In hindsight: that point plus the point that she was nice but a very difficukt and energy draining person – I should have done my own thing. Oh well. Next time I know better 🙂
    It was still fun and I don’t regret it, and it was nice that he asked. Now I ask myself whether I want to be part of that family and I guess the answer is no. I felt weirded and grossed out after the nightly disappearance….and the fact that I was carted out of his apartment, where I am also staying most weekends.

    Whatever. It’s all good. It has brought me closer to seeing what I want and closer to seeing what I don’t want.

  65.  #65Kim on October 7, 2014 at 4:37 pm

    56 red butterfly LOL
    With you all the way.
    He is from our culture.
    And from planet weird culture…I found out a lot of disturbing things about the family and would love to prescribe them therapy, frankly, well we can all do with it. Me too I guess.

    If you refer to your father as a sperm donor, a father who although he left them, always tried to stay in contact and always paid for them….and they refused to write or talk to him (poisoned by the ‘saintly’ mother), then I feel cringy.

    My father left us too….he is still my father. I forgave him even though he did some things that were not so nice.
    I think the key in life is to know that everyone tries best they can…and make peace with it.
    I do cringe when the blame game comes out. My mother is pretty crazy and stole money from me. I don’t hate her for it, she was not well.
    I feel grossed out being part of a hate fest. I guess at our age, almost middle age, it feels weird to listen to that…
    The whole thing cringed.
    Sometimes they say don’t ask for what you wished you hadn’t got.
    I asked to be part of this weekend…and now I wish I hadn’t lol.

    Please don’t judge me when I say, I felt like I was dropped in a cave with two weirdos…..cause that’s how it felt. And I guess sneaking home to crawl from my bed into bed with his sister was the pinnacle or weirdoland.

    I mean, at 44 years old – who even does that?

  66.  #66Kim on October 7, 2014 at 4:39 pm

    Ok, I am done with the venting..thanks 🙂
    No outrage…just processing.

  67.  #67Kim on October 7, 2014 at 4:40 pm

    Oh and I forgot to tell you, or didn’t I?
    All my ruminating….was not for nothing.
    Tattoo wildchild is back with the ex….lol…I saw photos of them in the Keys.
    Too funny.
    He said she was crazy and they don’t talk….

  68.  #68Violette on October 7, 2014 at 6:13 pm

    Indigo it feels good to be heard about the friend thing. I feel comforted that we share that dream.

    Kim I have a funny feeling you will feel really happy and relieved to break up with MOM. You have been a true explorer and really milked this situation for all it’s worth, which to me is pretty cool, and from my POV the situation is complete, a success in a way.

    Endings are always sad though, so wishing you comfort and goodness throughout your transitions.

    I feel inspired by your fearlessness, really, it gives me courage to go out on a limb myself, and know that no matter what a guy does, all the ups and downs, I’m always ok in the end anyway.

  69.  #69Sassy on October 7, 2014 at 6:46 pm

    Kim, Purplepassion, Azure,

    This ones’ for you….

    “New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings”
    Lao Tzu

  70.  #70Kim on October 7, 2014 at 7:22 pm

    Violette…awww thank you!!
    I do feel a little torn. I do like him and like to spend time with him. I did promise myself to stop when it started to feel bad, as I have not the commitment I want anyway, so in order for me to continue dating him it had to feel good -> basics

    This weekend felt crappy…IDK.
    he is texting me and sending emails, well I am still working and don’t even feel like responding anyway.

    I have to make a decision. Once and all.
    Am I all out or all in. All in seems impossible.
    So why am I even thinking about this?


  71.  #71Emerson on October 7, 2014 at 8:38 pm

    Kim if I don’t feel like answering a text then I don’t answer it. Nothing to do with being mean.
    I don’t do anything I don’t want to do.

  72.  #72Kim on October 7, 2014 at 8:42 pm

    71 Emerson: I like it!

  73.  #73Emerson on October 7, 2014 at 8:45 pm

    Today I didn’t end up having to deal with the problematic person after all. I may have to deal with her later, but it seems she is stepping into the periphery and keeping quiet, at least for now. Things seem to have settled down for the moment.
    I feel better and I also feel tense like the s#it may still hit the fan at some point.
    This person on my team seems to be manipulative and shows narcisistic traits…
    I tend to attract these people, I don’t know why. I’d like to avoid in the future if possible.

    I feel curious why I atteact these people.

    I really feel like this is a time for me to prepare for a new chapter in my life. I need new places new routine and a new environment. Maybe I just need a vacation.

  74.  #74Emerson on October 7, 2014 at 8:54 pm

    72 kim thanks!
    79 maybe you don’t have to make a decision have you heard of roris third way??

  75.  #75Kim on October 7, 2014 at 9:03 pm

    I can’t recall Emerson, in any case, I am wondering if it hasn’t been too long without making a decision…

    Is it just CDing? I have been doing that all along and I am definitely getting back on the internet now.
    In hindsight, I should have been busy last weekend, dating other guys…without advance plans etc.

    Time to get back on my horse and gallop, not just trot!

  76.  #76Emerson on October 7, 2014 at 10:12 pm

    Roris third way is something about keeping the guy around but cding etc…I can’t recall exactly…
    I know SLV and/or femininewoman are really good at searching the archives…
    If I find it I will post it here…

  77.  #77Emerson on October 7, 2014 at 10:14 pm

    I have been practicing open energy when I go to the coffee shop etc,,and it’s been working, people talk to me,,,
    I didn’t ralize I had closed off energy for so long…
    I’m also going to start walking in my neighborhood to clear my mind…

  78.  #78Emerson on October 7, 2014 at 10:15 pm

    69 Sassy that quote is a great reminder

  79.  #79Azure Blu on October 8, 2014 at 12:30 am

    Lovely Siren,,,, Thank you for that quote…
    I believe that I am getting closer and closer to Mr. Right as I can feel my feelings, can name them
    I Love Me more and more… I trust ME to respect MY boundaries… I am getting better at sharing MY feelings
    I dont over function as much as I used to..
    Sooo many good things for ME!
    Ahhhh… I feel calm and happy right now…
    Thank you loving Sirens for your time and kind hearts here on Siren Island…

  80.  #80Azure Blu on October 8, 2014 at 12:35 am

    Emerson #73…
    I feel happy you didn’t have to deal with the negative coworker…
    For me the first step in changing things is to notice them and then decide you can start shifting and changing in you to alter outcomes…
    From what you shared YOU have noticed and you have decided to do something about attracting selfish people. Such positive Vibes!!!

  81.  #81Indigo on October 8, 2014 at 1:06 am


    Such great insights here. I also admire your maturity and courage.

    I would just caution you against the thinking that “everyone else is more important than me” and that it is your easygoing nature which is getting you shafted. I know this is how it looks, and I know this thinking, because I have been there, but it’s a trip down the rabbit hole which doesn’t lead anywhere good. I decided that instead of feeling bad and letting my inner little girl have a big old sulk about getting the short end of the stick, that I would instead channel that energy into consciously standing up for myself.

    So for me, this looks like gently but firmly speaking up when people are being unfair to me because they see me as easygoing and competent. It looks like sweetly saying “no” or “that doesn’t work for me”, saying what I would like to happen instead, and removing myself from the situation if I am still not being considered. To me, it just feels so much better to place this trust in myself that I know I will be proactive if something doesn’t feel good, rather than being upset at people for being unfair to me.

    I don’t know if this helps, but I hope it does! As I say, I really think you have approached this in a level-headed way, and I applaud you 🙂

  82.  #82Linda on October 8, 2014 at 3:40 am

    Indigo.. I like that vibe. Over the years I can say that I identify with feeling overlooked, not important. . I am a slow to anger, easy going person for the most part. But I do have an opinion and have usually stuffed it and unfortunately have done that at time when it would have been better to “speak up” .

    I like the phrase “that doesnt work for me” and then expressing myself. Try softer.

    Then there is the raging – drama queen inside. I have to give her some say too. Working that in will feel best.

    Getting the two to speak my truth would feel awesome! and authentic. Like a prisoner being set free. This is what I want and how I want to be.

  83.  #83Indigo on October 8, 2014 at 4:16 am


    “Getting the two to speak my truth would feel awesome! and authentic. Like a prisoner being set free.”

    That is exactly how it has felt for me, when I have had the courage to do it! I love the phrase “that doesn’t really work for me”. I also love “it would feel so good if we could do…” or “that idea seems as if it would (create this consequence) and I’m not so sure I like that”.

    Sometimes I also just like to let my no be my no. Softly. 🙂

  84.  #84Kim on October 8, 2014 at 4:44 am

    81 Indigo, that is a great suggestion…the only hiccup is that at the time, I am ‘easy going’ and only really process stuff later, or rather at the time something happens I am usually not fast enough to do this.
    Cause I doubt myself….so I wait to say anything. Also, when there is more than one person concerned I often feel embarrassed to ‘stand up for myself’…as though I am being unreasonable.
    This has been a pattern in my life as I was raised as a total ‘keep your mouth shut’ people pleaser.
    I feel exhausted struggling with this.
    I sometimes, often, feel it is easier to run and be by myself.
    Like now.

    Thanks for that enligtenment but I am unsure how to change something that is so ingrained 🙁

  85.  #85Kim on October 8, 2014 at 4:46 am

    I guess that is also a struggle that introverts have…

  86.  #86Kim on October 8, 2014 at 5:56 am

    I ask myself, do i talk to him or do I just let it go.
    He wants to do stuff later this week and on the weekend…IDK if there is a point to even state my feelings, wants and needs again?
    Cause even when I think and talk about commitment, I don’t really want to be in a committed relationship heading anywhere with him right now….if I think how this weekend was and the other instances when we bumped heads, like the ex, the non-future talk etc. it would be moot.
    I would be asking for something I most likely wouldn’t even want…

  87.  #87Femininewoman on October 8, 2014 at 6:13 am

    Kim – I believe I have seen several coaches suggest saying something like “thank you and I am still feeling odd (or whatever) about (fill in her the behavior).

    I can’t see why you would not say how the behavior affected you if you are so sure that you would not want forever with him at this point. You have so much going in your favor.

    1. He is invested
    2. You are clear on how the behavior affected you and he isn’t because you haven’t said anything yet.

    Regarding your wants and needs I am not sure I would even bring that up, otherwise it seems you are looking to him to fulfil them. I believe you should only be sharing how you feel. Your focus on commitment suggests there is a goal in your mind rather than you just focussing on what you really want to feel.

    Regarding talk to him about everything. I encourage you to shift your thinking to talking with him. For me this helps me to come across softer and more able to hear his point of view and understand it. That way I can really see we are on the same page and if it fits my vision. If not it is easier to let go. No need to try and fit a square peg in a round hole. Talking at someone or talking to someone is so differently energetically than talking with them.

  88.  #88Femininewoman on October 8, 2014 at 6:29 am

    RE 82 – Linda I wonder if just allowing the drama queen to just say “I feel so angry” in the moment would be a start down that part.

  89.  #89Femininewoman on October 8, 2014 at 6:34 am

    You don’t need to make yourself miserable and “break up” with a man just to get on with your life!!

    We all think you have to have a “clean break.” And for some of us – that’s the only thing that works – but for me, and for my clients who’re willing to try this “Third Way” – it’s a completely different experience – something pretty amazing that makes you FEEL the power you actually, truly HAVE!

  90.  #90Kim on October 8, 2014 at 7:27 am

    FW thank you for 87 and 89, some great thoughts fir me to ponder!

  91.  #91Femininewoman on October 8, 2014 at 8:00 am

    Bob Grant

    1) If he says or does something you do not like…

    Your Response: Address the bad behavior by stating, “That does not make me happy.”

    Here’s why: You may not believe this statement will make a difference. You may even believe that he will laugh or say he does not care. Well, that is a possible response, however; the trick is to outlast his bad behavior.
    Remain distant until he approaches you. If he acts as if nothing is wrong simply reply, “I’m still upset about what you did/said.” Do this, and I guarantee you will have his attention.

    He will start to learn that whenever he is rude, inappropriate or behaves like a bully, you are not going to ignore his bad conduct. He will need to apologize and/or change his behavior, or you will continue to keep your distance.

  92.  #92Femininewoman on October 8, 2014 at 8:02 am

    Bob Grant

    Memorize this phrase, “Men despise what comes easy, and crave what they can’t get.” This phrase applies to many things – including women.

  93.  #93Indigo on October 8, 2014 at 8:09 am

    Kim 84,

    “Cause I doubt myself….so I wait to say anything. Also, when there is more than one person concerned I often feel embarrassed to ‘stand up for myself’…as though I am being unreasonable.
    This has been a pattern in my life as I was raised as a total ‘keep your mouth shut’ people pleaser.”

    I was raised exactly the same way. In fact, the motto of my school was “courtesy and consideration” – I was always encouraged to put other people’s comfort before my own. And so it was a rather daunting challenge to say the least to learn a different way. I remember the first time I had to stand up for myself in a work situation to someone who was utterly oblivious to how uncomfortable she made other people feel, it was a very scary thing for me. I deliberated for weeks. But once I’d done it, I felt like a million bucks!

    A couple of things which helped me (because I am very introverted, so yes this was a major challenge for me):

    * Be firm, yet gentle. There’s no need to scream and shout, or trample someone else’s boundaries. Just state what you need to say softly, but with conviction. That way, you have nothing to feel guilty about afterwards.
    * It helps me to have a role model of someone whose communication style I admire. That way, I can emulate the way they stand up for themselves.
    * There is absolutely nothing wrong with going back and saying you are not comfortable with something after the fact. I also have that tendency where I just freeze in the moment and go along with something I don’t like just to keep the peace. But you absolutely can bring it up afterwards – people don’t always like it when you do that, sometimes they try to pressure you to go back to your original stance, but I just stand my ground.

  94.  #94Andrea on October 8, 2014 at 8:39 am

    I feel wonderful. I just skipped down the long hall of my apartment. Skipped and giggled! That’s what I did!

    I feel all giddy inside and it’s because I’m loving myself on such new levels.

    I feel grateful and appreciative of Rori’s tool about CDing. Getting triggered, not Doing the “Fix It” thing. Just feeling the feelings, living the “tools”, and visualizing better.

    I started out this summer with a group of men in my cd pool. Some cared for me, supported me, asked me out… some I went out with but felt no attraction to.. some I felt attraction to but didn’t feel completely taken care of by them.. as in… phone calls few and far between, disappearing acts, etc… anyway, none of my pool were moving in a direction that inspired me to want to give any extra attention to them.

    If one asked me out, I wasn’t busy, I went. I stopped expecting anything more than in the moment wonderful times. If I didn’t feel wonderful, I just stopped. “Take me home. I don’t feel good in this experience right now.” “I’m going to hang up. I don’t feel good in this conversation.”

    I didn’t dump anyone. I didn’t explain anything to anyone. I didn’t long for anyone. I just did ME. And when one of my guys wanted me, he had to come into my world and find me.

    What happened??? A couple of those guys have simply slipped into oblivion. A couple have stepped up and are really trying harder to keep my attention. But most importantly, I.. I…. feel so extremely good about myself. I’m smiling all the time. I’m a man magnet.

    Two weeks ago, out with my girlfriend and one of my old time cd’s who’s kind of turned into a friend, I met Bob. Oooohhh Bob. He kept my eye that night. Bought my whole party a round of drinks. And then asked me for my phone number.

    Days later, he asked me for a lunch date. We went on that lunch date and he said, “I asked you for lunch because I wanted to know if I could ask you out for a more formal date.” Yes!!! He did that!

    So we went on a dinner date on Monday. During that time he got out of me that I have an absolute favorite entertainer. Yesterday he called me and told me he found tickets to a concert and if it was alright with me, he’d like to purchase them and take me to see….. The VERY singer I told him about. I feel so wonderfully, stupendously, amazingly shocked.

    Then, the company I work for has a contract with a railroad in which we drive their crew here and there sometimes. One of the men on one of the crews kept ending up in my van. Finally, on Sunday, before he left for his train, he turned and asked if it was okay if he could call me sometime. Me?? I was dressed in grub wear and had no make up on. Was just shining from the inside that day.

    I gave him my number and we texted back and forth just mundane things… jokes and what not.

    Yesterday I had a horrible experience at a garage where I took my truck in for an oil change. Both Bob and Railroad guy were texting me. Bob about the concert and RR just about jokey things. I stopped texting both guys and had to deal with my drama which left me in tears.

    Later I just needed some support. I’m still alone out here. I’m still a single mom and trying to deal with the harsh things life throws at me. It’s okay to be a fun date and jokey date every once in a while, but sometimes I just need someone to have my back and to help me. (I always try to be light and fun with CD’s especially when I don’t know them all that well. I try to keep my drama of real life out of the pot of our trying to get to know each other…… now I realize I’ve been missing out on something great.)

    Both men tried texting again. I finally just poured my heart out and said.. “I just feel like crying. I feel so alone and unsupported. I feel confused and I don’t know what to do.”

    Both men found out what happened and became my champions. Bob called the garage and had them explain everything and today he’s been talking to them to get my problem fixed. He’s been so helpful and my hero.

    RR made sure that I was relaxed and could take some time.. and he called me… (he lives in a different city) And we talked and talked and he did so many things to cheer me up and make me feel like I was not alone. He’s been checking up on me today and is being so supportive.

    I feel like I have shifted again. I feel like I have moved up a notch. And I didn’t really DO anything. I just stayed in connection with me.

    I didn’t dump, explain, talk to, try to change, try to understand, try to figure out, any of my old cd’s. I just took care of me. Now I’m starting to attract kind, sexy, attractive, men who want to surprise me and support me emotionally and understand me and listen to me…. and they are men who are stable and take care of themselves and hold down careers and own houses and vehicles and have connections and also… somehow…. are attracted to ME. I’m smiling.

    I feel so fortunate that I have the feeling phrases to communicate with. Both men… well.. all of my cd’s tell me continuously that they have never felt better about themselves than when they are with me. I know that’s just because I know how to speak to them with feeling messages.

    ps… When Bob and I were out on our dinner date, two different ladies came up to us and said.. “Wow, I want what you two have. The love you both have for each other is so visible.”
    Bob said that’s never happened to him before. But then again, one lady cornered me in the bathroom and said.. “I’ve never seen a man be so attentive to a woman. He’s hanging on your every move, your every word.”
    That feels so so good!!!

  95.  #95Kim on October 8, 2014 at 8:49 am

    Indigo, whoa, thank you for those great suggestions…feels great reading that!
    I am going to try and put some of that into practice..

  96.  #96Azure Blu on October 8, 2014 at 9:06 am

    I agree with FW… You are going thru a lot right now…
    Why make your life more chaotic?
    No need to break up… He isn’t a bad guy…
    and you do enjoy his company a lot
    Maybe let go of the outcome and enjoy
    what IS right now… ?
    How does that FEEL to you?
    He cares for you very much or he wouldn’t keep trying!!

  97.  #97Kim on October 8, 2014 at 9:11 am

    Thanks Azure..I agree with you too….I guess I kinda saw that this man may not be able to do/move forward a relationship and it is up to me if I wanted to hang in there and wait for change, because things feel good most times….or if I wanted to just have him as a fwb (which is what it really is….as well as an activities partner), or whether to just let go of it altogether.

    I don’t know yet what would feel best for me.

  98.  #98Azure Blu on October 8, 2014 at 9:24 am

    Indigo #81 & 93
    Ohhh… lovely lady… once again you have created magic with your words!!!

    So well put… so encouraging and helpful!!
    I LOVE what you have said…
    I too have struggled for years with keeping the peace by going along with other peoples wants and wishes… smiling and acting like my needs didn’t matter and then FINALLY feeling sooo angry I exploded…
    Sooo unfair to them and ME!!!

    Rori’s tools have helped Me sooo much with this!!
    Still working on it!!! :-))

    I also agree… to revisit a situation (I’m not good at figuring out MY feelings in the moment… baby steps)
    I have started thinking about the last date and expressing to him MY appreciation, and enjoyment…
    and also sharing what I had questions about and using FM if I didn’t like something…

  99.  #99Labbit on October 8, 2014 at 9:37 am

    I understand the energy flow when I am in the presence of my man. However, I get confused about energy dynamics when he’s not physically in my presence.

    For example, if he’s gone into his cave for a few days, when he re-emerges via phone call I’m supposed to be open and inviting right? I do feel happy when he comes back out, but I also feel sad that he’s bouncing in and out of relationship with me. Do I share that with him? Or because our relationship is still developing do I just lean back and let things go where they may?

    I guess I’m confused about when it’s standing up for myself versus when it’s creating drama.

  100.  #100Indigo on October 8, 2014 at 9:39 am

    Aww Azure Blu, you made me blush right down to my toes! Thank you, that compliment felt so good 🙂

    You’re right, it is unfair to both you and the other person to let your feelings build up to the extent that they explode all over the other person – that is violating their boundaries and can make you feel worse afterwards. Awareness in the moment, or as soon thereafter is best… that way you need to use minimal assertiveness to make yourself heard.


  101.  #101Indigo on October 8, 2014 at 9:43 am


    I battle with the same thing :/ I’d love one of the coaches to come on and explain it.

    I suppose a lot depends on the nature of your relationship – is it early days and are you just dating? are you in an exclusive relationship?

  102.  #102Labbit on October 8, 2014 at 9:53 am

    Indigo…well it’s TenderCD, we’re not exclusive at this point, in part because I don’t feel comfortable being exclusive with him while he’s bouncing in and out. We had a fight and ‘broke up’ a few weeks ago…but then made up two days later. We’ve been back together over 3 months now.

    I’d let other CDs fall off the radar but have been picking them back up. I know that part of the issue here is I keep getting too centered on him and forgetting about me, putting pressure on him. I am working though that. And I realize that he’s scared, and keeps pulling back every time we start to get deeply close. We are quite the pair. 🙂 But this is all workable and we’re slowly healing together. I’m just trying to get my communication skills as straight as I can. I do see times where I inject drama into the relationship, not on purpose but because I don’t know what to do with my feelings. (I’m learning though!)

  103.  #103Andrea on October 8, 2014 at 9:54 am

    Labbit, for me, it’s a moment by moment thing. When he re-emerges from his cave and contacts me… how do I feel in that moment of hearing from him?
    Do I feel open and light and happy? Then I respond that way.

    Do I feel hurt and wounded because of his disappearing act? Then I respond that way. “I’m happy to hear from you, but I also feel confused not knowing how to respond to you right now.”

    Usually though, when I’m so busy with paying attention to me and my own life, I barely notice anymore whether he’s available or not.

    Sometimes “standing up for myself” is really me trying to change him into someone else. Sometimes “standing up for myself” is saying.. I feel hurt and I’m blaming you for me feeling that way.

    I think I’m learning that his absence in “this relationship” really isn’t about him at all. Do I feel needy when he’s not giving me attention? I need to fill myself up. Do I feel needy when it seems like he’s withdrawing? What can I do to make great use of that time? So that whether he’s in my presence or not…. I am happy.

    For me, it’s not really about him.

  104.  #104Kim on October 8, 2014 at 9:59 am

    Ladies, I am thinking about this third way…..and I have been writing up something expressing how I felt this weekend – no blame – and that I would like to dial down on the time and stay-overs we have together, but not stop dating altogether.

    I realize that this is not about me, he is stalled in life generally, having enough money to buy his own property for years, and expressing the wish but playing computer games instead of looking for a house and just signing another lease….this is not me!! He has NO plans for the future, so how can I expect him to make plans with me and move the relationship forward? He doesn’t move himself forward!!!

    He does not want my kind of growing, doing, changing, close partnership/marriage life!!

    I get it! He is stuck! His sister is too, still at 41 years blaming her father for all the bad that happened in her life and as the reason why she can’t move forward…I saw this. It scared me. I do not want to go there!

    I do not want to get stuck there with him…in no man’s land. In ‘no-decision land’. No!

    So he will get the choice. I will be honest and transparent. We can continue dating, much less and no stay overs for a while….and no exclusivity.
    If he can agree to that, fine. If not, also fine.

    Meanwhile, I am getting busy meeting new men…it’s time. my CD’s have dropped off and I have become complacent…and please don’t judge me..but I would like to meet some guys with my ‘normal’, not what I saw this weekend which really creeped me out…lol.

  105.  #105Kim on October 8, 2014 at 10:08 am

    I worked very hard to install healthy boundaries into my life, being a born people still takes the effort every day.

    I see a man who has no healthy boundaries…with the ex, with the sister, with friends presumably, and also not with work colleagues (he can’t say no, and has often been extremely late because someone kept him with something that could have been resolved the next day)

    I actually realize how scary it is to be with a person with no healthy boundaries..especially when I am not someone who would take advantage of it. no wonder I am losing out on that list. The list of whoever demands more or shouts louder will always win.

    No boundaries: scary.

    This is such an inspiration to me, to actually keep working on upholding my own healthy boundaries.

    Someone who is a meat lover eating vegan for 5 days (and moaning about it), and hiding all his fishing and hunting magazines so his sister wouldn’t get upset:
    – twisting oneself in a pretzel to try ad keep others happy.
    – walking on eggshells

    I am indeed attracting a mirror here. OUCH.

  106.  #106Labbit on October 8, 2014 at 10:12 am

    Hmm, Andrea, all excellent points. Yes I can totally see how if I’m centered in my own life I barely notice that he’s missing for a few days. Thank you, this is all good stuff to chew on.

  107.  #107Labbit on October 8, 2014 at 10:15 am

    Ooohhhh actually it just clicked for me. That was great Andrea, really really great. Thank you!!! 🙂

    I am still getting used to this whole idea of having a life outside my relationship. I know how silly that all sounds…but that was my old story. And now I get to write a new one! Still adjusting. So many possibilities!

    I feel lighter and freer. Just like that.

  108.  #108Azure Blu on October 8, 2014 at 10:50 am

    Andrea #94
    Ohhh… as always, such wonderful sharing!!!
    Thank you!!!

    to see, how staying clear with yourself, about your boundaries weeds out the cds NOT able to do relationship (even the beginning stages)

    How beautiful… when you were vulnerable AND authentic the cds who are stepping up, became your champion!!!

    I too think “ohhhh… it’s the beginning stages… I need to take care of MY issues and business…”
    But the Man I really want to be with will be open hearted, and WANT to be helpful in general to anyone who needed help!!! Even though it is a beginning of our getting to know each other!! :-))

  109.  #109Azure Blu on October 8, 2014 at 10:51 am

    Vulnerability and Authenticity – The KEY
    to Intimacy~~~
    It sure takes practice… Which is WHY we CD!!!!

  110.  #110Kim on October 8, 2014 at 11:10 am

    109..Azure..I need to get back CDing…thanks for that 🙂

  111.  #111Sassy on October 8, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    Kim and Indigo…

    As a people pleasin, highly sensitive, extreme introvert who also was not allowed to express her feelings (especially anger), I’m wondering if we had parents cut from the same mold!


    I wanna be you when I grow up!!! Your journey is amazing to follow.

  112.  #112Dominique on October 8, 2014 at 2:17 pm

    Labbit – 99 – Yes it can feel confusing and maybe more so in a new relationship. I have found that over time, the closer you get, the safer you both feel in each others presence and in general, the less the need for alone time. In other words the withdrawal or cave time will reduce and may disappear altogether.

    In the meantime, how about saying – it feels so good hearing your voice. I’ve missed you.


  113.  #113RileyTheOwl on October 8, 2014 at 2:32 pm

    Sassy-111, Kim and Indigo…
    I am one of those highly sensitive, extreme introverts who was taught not to express my feelings as well… by my mother… sigh, my mother. I feel so like tightly balled up and confused around her.

  114.  #114Kim on October 8, 2014 at 2:57 pm

    Ah Riley, yep.
    My mother was the one also….bipolar, high maintenance, demanding…there was not enough space for the two of us to have our needs met.
    My MO for about 10 years as a child, was to get home and hide from her outbursts, crying fits and also her extreme happiness at times, which could change on a dime into a tantrum.
    I must have spent years locked into my room in silence and fear not to awaken her dragons, which she would always blame on me, sometimes on the sheer fact that I just walked in through the door.
    I never ever learnt to express my needs – I only learnt to suppress them and that it was ‘wrong’ to have any needs at all.
    I have been working for the longest time, to overcome this childhood conditioning….especially very topsy turvy, when I was an adult at 8-10, waking my mother, making breakfast…etc.
    If that is what you know as ‘normal’, it becomes a real effort to change into a feminine energy, feeling individual with needs and the openness to express one’s needs.
    Interestingly, I think MoM is similar. He is hightly introvert….he is appeasing everyone. No boundaries…and I can see how growing up with a sister who always got into trouble and into drugs at a young age, and a very harsh and judgmental father, would make him into who he is.
    I have a lot of compassion.
    However, I believe he may not be what I need.
    Two people pleasers thrown together…

  115.  #115lovetodance on October 8, 2014 at 3:28 pm

    andrea 94
    made me feel excited and happy to read of your experience….to be so fully with yourself and also able to be vunerable and express feeling alone and unsupported…which gave them the opportunity to be men and heros…wow!

    I feel inspired reading this…I would love to learn to be that vunerable and authentic in the moment…without asking, just expressing my truth….

    Keep on doing the lovely life you are leading ….i feel i
    grateful to learn from your experience….

  116.  #116lovetodance on October 8, 2014 at 3:31 pm

    Azure blu….
    sending love your way….from what i have read you seem to be moving along in a lovely sireney way….even tho i imagine with some rough patches over the newly paved path…..
    right on for you as you continue to love yourself thro this stretch…..

  117.  #117Liquid Light on October 8, 2014 at 4:02 pm

    I’m really getting annoyed by the pattern I see play out over and over again with men. They immediately want to take you off the market and not date anyone else. When I balk or don’t take it seriously, it ends up unraveling and ending. Just so tired of this.

    I’ve got another man who is appearing on my horizon. I anticipate that we will meet soon. I’m bracing myself for this to happen again. I’m already seeing signs of it. I’m not sure what to do because I’m obviously not handling it very well. I’m becoming agitated, annoyed, tense and angry as I write this. I’m so fri**in tired of this happening over and over again. GRRRRRRRRR.

  118.  #118Kim on October 8, 2014 at 6:21 pm

    98…you know Azure…I have this friend who has always been in great relationships, and now in a great marriage. She happens to be a psychologist.
    She told me once it is totally unrealistic to always do the right thing, to never blame and to never explode or lash out.
    I felt relieved by that.
    Even though I don’t like it when it happens.
    It happens to her, too…and, although she is often able to be much more vulnerable than me, and open, when she loses ‘it’, she loses it.
    The men in her life have never dumped her or run because of that..quite to the contrary.
    And I guess the same has been true for me.
    I have been much less enlightened about my own shortcomings in previous years, I often blew up and blamed…after being the pleaser.
    And yes, it is a bad thing….but I also have to say that it never destroyed or ruined a good relationship…
    I was lucky with the men I met when I was very young..I really was.
    It is a blessing as much as it is a curse…lol.

  119.  #119Kim on October 8, 2014 at 6:23 pm

    117 Liquid light, I feel amused.
    You are so much of a siren that everybody claims you?
    But, dear, that’s a great thing!!

  120.  #120Liquid Light on October 8, 2014 at 6:40 pm

    Thanks Kim, but I don’t see it like that. I just want to date and get to know someone over time and let things unfold naturally. With some men (maybe the v masculine ones, I don’t know), they seem to want to jump in so quickly, I just don’t get it. Its making me really sad because I just don’t see how developing a natural relationship over time is going to work out when this scenario keeps playing out. And when you don’t match their enthusiasm right away, I guess their male ego feels bruised and then they feel rejected and react out of that. That’s my take anyway. ARGGGHHHH!!!!!

  121.  #121Liquid Light on October 8, 2014 at 6:50 pm

    I guess I could try harder to match their enthusiasm. I try to appreciate and give them positive reinforcement and all that. But I’m naturally kind of aloof especially when I’m getting to know someone so its not that easy for me. This gets in the way of other relationships too. This is depressing.

  122.  #122Kim on October 8, 2014 at 6:53 pm

    I do understand Liquid Light….could be masculone, could also be needy or clueless.
    Some men need to be told that we need time before jumping into a relationship. If they don’t like that, let them go,
    There will be plenty more…and more reasonable ones.

  123.  #123Labbit on October 8, 2014 at 7:57 pm

    Dominique 112 — Thank you for this.

  124.  #124Mandy on October 8, 2014 at 8:41 pm

    A Siren mentioned the other day that you can’t say the wrong thing to the right man. Is that about when we have a little “weird-out”, worrying that we may have screwed up with our guy by saying how we feel, he is good and steady enough to take those little “wierd-outs”? I hope my question makes sense, I’m having trouble wording it.

    I remember a particular Rori blog citing this…I think it was called something like “…You Did Fine!…” …Does that one sound familiar, anyone?

  125.  #125Mandy on October 8, 2014 at 9:07 pm


    Oh I had to comment…on the no healthy boundaries…trigger time…I had a boyfriend who had a particularly bad case of the no healthy boundaries, and holy smokes it was painful for me, because at the end of the day, he had absolutely no energy, nothing, left to give to me. I’m not saying that he is the same as who you are dealing with, but maybe what I dealt with was just one “flavor” of a person without healthy boundaries (ability to say no, and to self-preserve.) He used to get really mad that he felt like everyone was taking something from him all the time, but he just insisted on being a “cosmic warrior” (believing he had a divine duty to help others) and helping everyone and saying yes, all the time. Didn’t make sense then to me. But oddly enough, now looking at myself, I know I have struggled with saying “no, I don’t want to do that,” or “no, my schedule is full”, etc., so I have to put more energy into “walking the walk” as it were, here and now, rather than just judging my ex (hahaha). I know I have had it some days, thrown my stuff down and said I’ve had enough right in front of my man, and he’s felt overwhelmed by it, and none of it was his fault, he just would sit and stare, oblivious. I realized that, and then I implemented my training to overcome my fear of saying the word “no.” Hahaha. Sounds silly, but it is true…:P I felt the residual effects of it from my ex, but I have to still be careful I don’t do it myself right now, today, to my guy, without realizing it! Weird, right? You’d think since that a particular behavior, having been committed to my memory as a painful thing someone else did, would be banished from my behavior entirely, but not necessarily. I have had lots of problems from being the “yes-man” (or yes-girl, as it were) and not by my own choosing…:P

    But YES, no healthy boundaries = VERY scary!!! Yikes 🙁

  126.  #126nyx on October 9, 2014 at 2:22 am

    @ LL

    I recognize this so much, too. I think it is a mix of pride and fear that makes them withdraw, but I would very much want to know other siren’s experiences with this. Then maybe I could make some sense of it, haha. I can recognize if a man isn’t really in love and therefore withdraws, but with this- they are infatuated, and I am not (not at once).

  127.  #127Kim on October 9, 2014 at 4:40 am

    Mandy, yup!
    Cosmic warrior is a new one for me…lol.

    I have been busy and got a couple of dates and meeting friends.

    MoM sent me a few text messages, one or two per day since Sunday, and I let him drop off my horse a bit. I still feel turned off and realised that if I lean back, makes no difference…the communication just fizzles out.
    Interesting. It is more than a lean back, I feel myself closed up and I actually don’t care about staying open with him anymore….

    All good. Infound focusing back on me has given me tons of time to focus on growing my own biz a little…and that time is never wasted.. 🙂

  128.  #128Kim on October 9, 2014 at 4:42 am

    I just found a text message from him loo…from last night, saying it was nice to hear from me (I eventually sent something back as he asked me a question) and that he was getting worried.

    I think if peoole get worried, for real or for whatever reason, they can also pick up the phone.
    Worried about me dating someone else more likely…lol

  129.  #129Femininewoman on October 9, 2014 at 7:48 am

    Mandy 124

    Karen – First – please STOP beating yourself up! You did fine! It doesn’t matter WHAT you said! You sounded cool to me, and just fine.

  130.  #130Mandy on October 9, 2014 at 7:51 am

    Thanks Femininewoman 🙂 Going to re-read now, you sure are a help 🙂

  131.  #131Indigo on October 9, 2014 at 9:12 am

    Kim 118,

    I hear you about sometimes exploding… and I agree, the right man won’t necessarily leave you if you do that.

    It seems to depend on how you do it, and how often. I’m not a fan of name-calling or being mean or nasty, but occasionally if you have to have a little meltdown where you say “I am SO angry!” or “I just feel like I want to explode!” and you have a bit of a stomp around, yeah, I think that is totally fine. Therapeutic even.

  132.  #132Labbit on October 9, 2014 at 9:51 am

    What a whirlwind few weeks it’s been…barely had time to sit down and relax until yesterday.

    Here’s the update on me + TenderCD. There had been a couple of weeks of little to no contact and we’d broken up over the phone. (Man I wish I’d seen that third option post beforehand! Oh well, hindsight.) I’d sent him an email that he was making a big mistake, and he immediately responded saying he agreed. We met up for dinner to talk. I was prepped with lots of feeling messages! I thought it would be a long chat but it really wasn’t. He simply said, “I felt backed into a corner and I made a mistake. I’m sorry, I want you in my life and I regret what I said.”

    It was a wonderful dinner and I felt very close to him. The next day he invited me to go away for the weekend with him. He’s on a new project at work that’s kept him wrapped up…but he asked for two mental health days so we could be together. TenderCD ended up taking me to a bed and breakfast upstate that I’d mentioned once when we were first dating…the last time around. (This is our second shot at a relationship.) I felt melty that he remembered and he had such a big grin on his face when we were driving up! He took amazing care of me the whole weekend. Most of the weekend was intimate and lovely, with one tough conversation: the exclusivity chat. He brought it up.

    We talked about our relationship expectations, and my feeling is that to be exclusive I need to see him x times a week, talk to him every day and know that we’re on a path to marriage. He was not on the same page. As hard as it was for me to say, I shared that was fine, I didn’t want to pressure him, I really enjoy being with him, and until he felt ready I was going to continue dating other men. At first TenderCD got very mad and didn’t say anything. It was so hard to feel his anger and not do anything. He tried asking questions about who I would see and what we’d do and I responded that it didn’t matter, I wasn’t looking to date a bunch of men, I was looking for ONE man and that until he appeared I didn’t feel comfortable committing to anything. More silence. I felt my heart beating a million miles an hour. He stared at me and I leaned back and opened up as much as I could, looking back at him softly.

    And wouldn’t you know it? Since then TenderCD has been much more forward about eating my time up. He’s looking to buy a new condo…before he told me he’d like me to help decorate it with him after he finds one and he’d make sure it was pet-friendly since I have a dog. Now he invites me to open houses and on viewings with him, asking my thoughts and wondering if I’d feel comfortable there. We’re seeing each other about twice a week, or for the entire weekend. But when he goes away on business he tends to disappear even after he’s back…he was away for part of this week and I finally heard from him last night…he’d been back nearly 3 days.

    In the meantime I’ve been going on lots of dates and there are a couple of intriguing CDs. One I’ll call KeyCD seems smitten, and he’s a lot of fun to hang out with! The week TenderCD was traveling I saw KeyCD three times. Last night Tender called me while I was on a date and it was hard not to answer…but I wanted to be where I was. He ended up reaching me later just before bed. I think he knew I was on a date but we found lots of other things to talk about. Being brave and standing up for myself has felt hard, but it gets easier every time. I see that the more I take care of myself the more a good man will want to take care of me. Right now I am working on filling my life up outside of dating, so my mind doesn’t keep circling back to the men in my life and worrying. I look forward to my mind feeling at ease and living from my heart!

  133.  #133Dominique on October 9, 2014 at 9:52 am

    Mandy – 124 – You can’t say the wrong thing to the right may is something which has been said by many in the coaching world, and for the most part this is so. The little weird outs you mention are not at all something which would push your man away. In many instances, these might even be found to be endearing because they are a part of you, and if he truly loves you, he loves all of you, quirks, idiosyncrasies and all.

    Love to you.


  134.  #134Dominique on October 9, 2014 at 9:56 am

    Labbit – You’re so awesome. YAY YOU!!!


  135.  #135Azure Blu on October 9, 2014 at 10:18 am

    OHhhhh… Labbitt!!!
    AMAZING, HERO Siren!!!
    What a picture perfect conversation about exclusivity and marriage!!!! I LOVE this
    “I shared that was fine, I didn’t want to pressure him, I really enjoy being with him, and until he felt ready I was going to continue dating other men.”
    AND then the wonderful PAUSES!!!
    How powerful were they!!!!

    Such good information to share about HOW
    a REAL conversation sounds and looks!!
    AND you are CDing and on YOUR horse and moving forward…
    You have sooo inspired ME!!!

  136.  #136Labbit on October 9, 2014 at 10:19 am

    Thanks Dominique, for all your help during our coaching sessions and your support since! I think the hardest part for me right now is that it feels like I’m moving away from commitment instead of towards it by having many men in my life. But I understand that it’s all just practice and that when the right man arrives I’m not going to be able to shake him. I’m attached to TenderCD and I know it…but I’m also getting more comfortable with the idea that someone else could be the one.

  137.  #137Labbit on October 9, 2014 at 10:22 am

    Thanks Azure Blu! I haven’t had a chance to read the last few posts yet and catch up on what’s been going with you…I have the day off tomorrow so I can relax and read up. 🙂 Likewise, you inspire me Siren.

  138.  #138Azure Blu on October 9, 2014 at 10:43 am

    Thanks for asking…
    about Spirit and me…Him talking about his religious beliefs AGAIN… I brought up… “how would it look to him if My spiritual beliefs never changed?”
    Me saying “I believe the best way a relationship could work is if we both respected AND accepted each others beliefs”
    “Heaven would be very lonely if the only people god invited up there were the ones who believed exactly like he did… I like people… I don’t want to go to heaven if it’s sooo lonely” He laughed!! :-))
    BUt I was tense… I said I don’t want to get my heart broken if he wants me to change… he said he didnt want to get his heart broken either…

    Sooo he backed off… (him texting but off and on and something felt off) a week later I texted and said we haven’t talked or seen each other much this week is there something I should know…
    He said he missed me… but needed to figure things out and think about this… Let’s have dinner soon and talk…
    That’s been a week…
    Soooo leaning way back… talking to the RR coach, Natalina to work on LOVING ME how to listen to my Drama Queen, feel MY feelings and share MY feelings… she is HELPING sooo much!!!
    GREAT stuff!
    I have been online looking at profile dates… but NOT ready to do anything yet… just processing and
    TAKING care of ME!!! That is a BIG enough deal right there… Many things on my to do lists… getting mY financial/company going etc!!!

  139.  #139April Rose on October 9, 2014 at 11:41 am

    Mandy and Dominique

    “and if he truly loves you, he loves all of you, quirks, idiosyncrasies and all”

    And, I would like to add “feistiness/that smokin hot volcano side”.
    I love my fieriness and don’t want to be with a partner who feels threatened by it.

  140.  #140Liquid Light on October 9, 2014 at 12:20 pm

    Labbit 132 This is amazing, inspiring, and so extremely awesome! I love it. You rocked it, girl. WOW!!!

  141.  #141Mandy on October 9, 2014 at 1:28 pm

    Great insight into the quirks…

    Reminds me of a Marilyn Monroe quote…

    “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

    Anyone resonate with that one?

  142.  #142Waterfall on October 9, 2014 at 1:36 pm

    Sirens, I am feeling a bit confused. Lol. I am still thinking about D, my ex, a lot, yetI have pressed on and am chatting to men online. But lol, I just can’t muster up any enthusiasm and they are really nice men. And when they get pissed off and disappear I suddenly start to miss them.

    Lol, what is wrong with me?! They are perfectly nice, attractive, friendly men – but the minute they start to show ANY interest – or act like a REAL person then I run away.

    What is wrong with me? And all the time I sit thinking about my ex, and still seeing him as my best friend.

    Sirens, how do I process this? How do I wake myself up? I realise time is short and I don’t want to spend another year of my life wishing I wasn’t single and feeling like there is ‘something wrong with me’. Lol, I feel like such a ruddy freak show at times…

    I can get a man interested but then I run in the opposite direction. Why?! Am I a-sexual?! I sometimes worry I am….

  143.  #143Waterfall on October 9, 2014 at 1:43 pm

    … And work is making me feel turbulent and anxious. No-one seema to like me, I have zero confidence. I am always doubting myself and i never seem to have an opinion?! Ooohhh why do some people ‘get it’ and I don’t… I feel thick, stupid and incompetent most of the time… I just feel I wish I had confidence. When I speak I just get ank stares back and then I stutter, stammer and clam up even more… Sometimes I feel I have ZERO to say… I just don’t enjoy talking. I prefer just getting on with things. I HATE debate. I just don’t fit in anywhere I go… People seem to like me for 2 minutes and then cast me aside like a dirty rag doll who’s not loved anymore. I am replaced by the really cool and hot looking Barbie Doll… Oh, woe is me… Maybe I’m just a negative person … Maybe I am…

  144.  #144Azure Blu on October 9, 2014 at 2:19 pm

    Ohhhh…. beautiful Siren…
    I Feel sad…
    I feel your discomfort being YOU!!
    my idea might be to…
    Can you love your discomfort?
    Your anxiety?
    Your feeling of being a freak show?
    Take time to examine alll you have shared here…
    sink onto the floor… and give all these feelings a BIG hugggg and telll them how MUCH YOU LOVE each one!!
    When I do this… over and over… it has CHANGED ME!!!
    I can actually stand in front of a room of people now and share my thoughts on how to grow their business (for 2 hours)!! Before RR I couldn’t even ask questions when I was sitting down in front of a few people.
    Ahhhh… that makes ME sooo Happy!

  145.  #145Linda on October 9, 2014 at 2:23 pm

    Reading Andreas post… makes me realize that I am so far at the opposite end of the spectrum.

    I am closed up and nothing about me feel shiny or skippy or inviting.


  146.  #146Azure Blu on October 9, 2014 at 2:23 pm

    I actually take a paper grocery bag and cut it up into big pieces… Write each feeling down,,,
    with a big marker… sit on the floor with these around me…
    and pick each one up and kiss it… hug it… touch it..
    think about it…
    it has changed ME!!!

  147.  #147April Rose on October 9, 2014 at 2:38 pm

    146 Azure Blu

    I love that! It is inspired. It makes this ‘loving all parts of oneself’ so tangible.
    You have made a Tool out of a concept!

    Thank you for this.

  148.  #148Linda on October 9, 2014 at 3:09 pm

    I will say that I feel excited about accomplishing a goal and was able to make a vision that I have had for about 5 years come true. That has been a bright spot for me.

    I finally was able to purchase two new storm doors. (something I have needed and wanted to do for 8 years). I got them installed last weekend. A real time consuming DIY project! The one on the front of the house has a security glass in it. The locks are multi-level and is beyond what I had ever dreamed of getting. (Yes I splurged a tiny bit). I feel a 500 times safer and they look absolutely marvelous!!! Brought my house up to date from the 60’s.

    THe man I hired..has been in contact, but still has not come to do the work. He text me and said he has been ill and at the hospital getting antibiotic treatment etc. (had gotten bit by a Brown Recluse spider). I responded that I was sorry to hear he was not feeling well and however the weather played out (rain forcasted)…asked him to make my job his TOP priority and said I would appreciate his very best efforts to complete it in short order! Latest is..all my lumber is loaded in his truck (he is building a new mini- barn, another bucket list item of 8 years !) and he will be here Saturday with 2 men to do just do that so he can move on to other work.

    I honestly dont know what to believe. I have however decided that Saturday is the last day I leave his opportunity open. If he does not keep his word I am done and will pursue a refund or legal action depending on his response.

    I feel

  149.  #149RileyTheOwl on October 9, 2014 at 4:16 pm

    Today has felt really long and hard and difficult, sigh… I’m at home now, and I made my healthy comfort food (eggs), while cuddling myself and listening to calming music. I’m feeling much better now, still a little teary and I feel a bit like crying some more. I also feel relief because i realize that I’m always here for me, and that at the end of this really shocking difficult day, I am ok. I am really proud of myself for getting through that. For feeling all these feelings and taking care of myself. I really respected my boundaries and listened to my feelings today. Now I’m home and just… loving myself. Hugging myself. Letting myself sink into these feelings. ooohhh.

  150.  #150lovetodance on October 9, 2014 at 8:57 pm

    149 riley

    good for you riley….good for feeling all there is to feel….

    not easy in a culture where feelings can be feared….

    sending a big hug to you and comfort….

  151.  #151lovetodance on October 9, 2014 at 8:59 pm

    linda 148

    i love hearing about your DIY projects and how you take the leap and jump in….

    I feel very proud of you…as i would myself if i did something like that…you are inspiring

    and i love how you have communicated with your contractor , your patience and graciousness and your strong boundaries….

  152.  #152lovetodance on October 9, 2014 at 9:03 pm

    144 Azure

    brilliant suggestion….the paper bag

    to hear the story of how changed you feel…and your ability to speak in front of a room of people in how to grow their businesses….i feel so impressed!

    i could use your services i am sure …i am in the midst of growing in so many ways…mostly my confidence which so colors everything else in my life…!

  153.  #153RileyTheOwl on October 9, 2014 at 9:06 pm

    Oh lovetodance, thank you for the good feeling vibes sent my way. It feels so good to be acknowledged, and I just feel so glad for siren island here. Im just sitting back and spending some time with myself tonight. It’s a full moon, I’m going to moon gaze… Meditate… Breathe… Deepen my connection with myself. Sometimes that’s the best thing to experience when going through a hard time.

    Sending good feeling vibes your way too <3

  154.  #154lovetodance on October 9, 2014 at 9:15 pm

    okay…here i am….. so talkative….

    i got a color and haircut today and it released so much!

    my hair stylist is a magician and a healer….we are both pisces so speak the same language….we can tell each other our deepest stuff and not feel weird or not understood….

    she is a devout christian and really really really prays to jesus……i often say i am a pagan jew…whatever that may mean…i made it up for myself…in any case we have only love and respect for each other…

    back to case in point

    i felt free enough to really say how i felt which i haven’t outloud even to myself

    i have felt discouraged and hopeless….oh my…..haven’t been liking my face in the mirror…oh my….feeling like maybe not pretty anymore…oh my…


    getting my hair cut and different color…released me….

    i know that beauty is only skin deep….but that one layer truely affects me….

    not sure what my point is….

    i came home and spontaneously after 3 years of not doing this….put up a profile online….i have tried online dating a few times and just felt exhausted by it….who wants to be rejected or reject….? not me….but i did it any way…..

    so any suggestions….tips….advice would be appreciated….i put up not a great picture of me…and not horrible…one where i look my age ….i figure if someone contacts me from that…well if we do meet they may be pleasantly surprised…its not a bad picture…just a real one…

    what do you think?
    what do you think of contacting as compared to letting men contact me?

    wow….i am saying and asking alot tonite….i feel vunerable doing this….

  155.  #155Sassy on October 10, 2014 at 5:02 am

    Another new thread up already….

  156.  #156Azure Blu on October 10, 2014 at 7:02 am

    lovely siren…
    have you tried alllll of the great RR coaches offering FREE counsel?
    They are soooo helpful for moving self confidence forward (more quickly than doing it by ourselves)
    Natalina has been helping me a lot!

  157.  #157Kath on October 10, 2014 at 7:58 am


    I have been reading and hearing you- you are soo like me its unreal!- I have been a pleaser all my life in every relationship and have had a battle with my Mother forever- though getting more mellow now (at flipping last!). I recently spilt up with a man who I thought I fell in love with very deeply and it has come as quite a revelation that I only loved a part of him and was increasingly uncomfortable and non-accepting of the rest!- He too was a pleaser and has no boundaries whatsoever- he is more than a bit close to his brothers and sister and travels to stay with them more than regularly and makes sure he “does” stuff for them all all the time!- sounds ok right?-sounds like their just close and love being together right?- but they are all in their 50s!!!!- only one out of five of them has a partner- the others have a string of failed relationships. They are childish, lacking in maturity and still expect to party and get drunk exactly as they did when they were twenty!- My x expected me to follow him around to his family, to his children and to his grandchildren and there was precious little time for me, us or anything we may have wanted to do. I have recently moved out of the home we shared together and processing in peace the whole relationship. Stay strong Siren, you don’t need anyone like that- you need someone to help you grow and become the person you are destined to be- Dominique is soo right! xx

  158.  #158Liquid Light on October 10, 2014 at 9:08 am

    nyx 126, thanks for this. its nice to know that you can relate to this. Any thoughts? Any advice? I feel like I keep blowing it when this dynamic happens so I could probably use some insight. I guess it feels overwhelming to me (I’m private and introverted) when guys come on so strong so my natural inclination is to back away.

  159.  #159Liquid Light on October 10, 2014 at 9:11 am

    this just in from Builder (new nick name for him):

    Do you want me to come to you? Or want to meet I’m xxx or xxx ?
    Just let me know and I’m there 🙂

    Sweet but now I’m feeling anxious. Can feel it swelling up in me, the tension. Breath…breath…

  160.  #160Pathetic on October 10, 2014 at 10:18 am

    Dear Rori,

    I am young, 17, Senior in high school. He is 19 in college. We dated for 2 months last summer before the one that just passed. He broke up with me without a valid reason and we used to see eachother in school. I tried getting back with him and later on found out that he had a gf. Apparently they had been together from the time me and him broke up, even before me and him got together. Now a year later, I still wasn’t over him. I initiated contact and we got back together, he is 1 hr away in a different city and claims he was never dating the other girl and also once admitted that they were broken up while me and him dated so he didnt cheat on me. Idk the truth but as of right now, Im having trust issues with him. It’s been about two or three weeks that we have been dating again. I really want this to work. It started off rough then got very very sweet and perfect in the middle. We had started to oovoo every night and fall asleep with our cams and phones on. It was perfect. Then my phone service turned off and its been 4 days since that we barely talk. Two days ago I had called him from my friend’s landline to ask him to open the package on oovoo that i had sent for him for his bday (yes I know it was too early to be sending gifts but I felt that it was his bday so it was okay), and he agreed to it but we never oovoo’d and i asked to oovoo that night and he said his laptop don’t got wifi, and i asked if he was still coming down this weekend like he had claimed and his voice was cutting off and he pretty much said he couldnt cuz idk why i didnt hear the rest. I got on pinger and texted him and he still hasnt responded. Idk whats going on, were barely talking, im having trust issues, what do i do? I dont want to break up and let go. I want this to work, What should be done? Please help me, Im feeling pathetic at this point. Thank you.

  161.  #161Rori Raye on October 13, 2014 at 8:10 am

    Pathetic – You need private coaching. I want to suggest one of my trainees who’s young and hip, and specializes in self-esteem – which would be key for you….go check out this list where you can get coached for free for one session:

    Love, Rori

  162.  #162Lisa on October 13, 2014 at 9:14 am

    One of the men I’ve been seeing for about a month has not contacted me for 3 days following a wonderful date. We were speaking every day. It’s soooo difficult to not reach out to him. So many thoughts….is he ok? I won’t contact him. Men are such a mystery 🙂

  163.  #163Rori Raye on October 13, 2014 at 7:58 pm

    Lisa – please, please, please learn how to Circular Date correctly so you don’t feel so pulled to accomplish something with this man….Love, Rori

  164.  #164Lisa on October 14, 2014 at 6:06 am

    Rori thank you, and I know I need to work on Circular Dating, and I will!! Like a lot of women, I get so wrapped up in a guy when I really like him. They are so few and far between it seems. The good news is that I did hear from him not long after my post from yesterday 🙂 It does pay off to “lean back.” Thank you so much for helping me make the changes I need to make to get the love I want!!! :))