More Room For Us All Tonight – Cinderella Time

Untitled design (14)

Just wanted you to know – we’ll be upgrading the blog tonight, Sunday at 8pm PDT…

…and (though I hope you won’t notice a thing) there may be some times from 8 to midnight when your comments won’t go through.

If that happens, please try again – and after the migration is done at midnight, the blog’ll move much faster for us!

Instead of turning into a pumpkin at midnight – we’ll turn into something way more streamlined…

Love, Rori

Posted in

222 Comments

  1.  #1Ashley on August 12, 2012 at 8:05 am

    hey rori,
    I have a dilema that i need advice on. I have been recieving your newsletters and i love to read them. I’ve had this serious boyfriend for about 2 years and we’ve fallen in love, talked about our future and getting married. I’ve met his family and he has met mine. He was there for my sisters wedding. but our relationship hasnt been easy. We’ve been on and off for about 5 times total and we can get into arguments, but still out of everything, we still seemed to keep falling in love with each other. I know that most of the reason I am in this situation is my fault. I didnt give him enough space. See, im living on my own in Florida and i met him through the college program at Disney. We arn’t working together anymore for about a year and a half, which is good. But since his family has been like my family for a year and a half i have spent alot of time with them. I also decided to stay in florida once the program was finished so i could be with him. i know that he feels that he wants space and i messed up by not giving it to him. So we recently broke up because he wanted space. And i know what your thinking.. if its happened before..t hey will just get together.. well thats not the case this time. I love him so much but now its gotten more complicated. I’ve been noticing that he has been pushing me away and he isnt the type of guy to talk about his feelings at all! But a few weeks ago he told me he doesnt know if he loves me and so weve been taking it easy from then on. but.. he told me the other day that he might have feelings for this other girl, but he hasn’t done anything with her and they are just friends and the girl knows me and him are together. But i know he has some feelings for her and its partly my fault for not giving him his personal space. We have broken up, but i still love him so much. What should i do and how should i cope with him liking her knowing it was partially my fault. Also , i have another dillema. I am very close to his little brothers and i always take them to football practice and games and his mom works alot so that’s why i told her i would do it. And they don’t have anyone else to take them to practice. I know i shouldn’t be around them because it will make it harder for me to get over him, but i love his family and i really want to see their games and everything. My sister says that i shouldn’t drive them or see them anymore, but they have been like my family for a year and a half. but i feel very upset and sad whenever i see my ex-boyfriend because i still love him. So should i stop driving them or should i keep doing it and just try to not focus on him? My heart is in alot of pain and i don’t know what to do. I still love him very much and i really can’t see myself with another guy or anyone else but him. I really need advice.



  2.  #2Ashley on August 12, 2012 at 8:08 am

    and sorry it has nothing to do with the topic you wrote, i couldnt find a place to write this so i just wrote it here.



  3.  #3Ashley on August 12, 2012 at 8:12 am

    and he lives with his family, sorry i forgot to mention that



  4.  #4Symantha on August 12, 2012 at 8:15 am

    Hi Rori,

    will all the old posts remain available after the migration?
    xoxo



  5.  #5Wildflower on August 12, 2012 at 8:37 am

    Hi Ladies,

    It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’ve had some drama. Mainly one man whom I have a difficult time letting go of. But I don’t want to focus on that right now. I feel exasperated. At some point i may need to get some stuff out but right now i don’t feel ready.

    in the meantime I intend to focus more on me and the best way I know to do that is to make lists lol (seriously it really does make me feel good) πŸ™‚ So here goes…between tonight and tomorrow I intend to:
    1. meet with my realtor to look in to buying a place
    2. email back this nice man that wants to take me out
    3. schedule my physical therapy appts
    4. take my doggie for a nice long walk through this pretty park and give him a bath
    5. meet my friend at an outdoor festival and listen to music
    6. go grocery shopping and make sure i have lots of healthy food around
    7. go to zumba
    8. oh yes and at some point (this may have to wait until tuesday) but i want to look in to volunteering to teach an english as a second language class one night per week

    ok that’s enough for now. hmmm…it feels weird to type my list and not hand write it. still it feels nice to ease back in to the blog.

    i’ve been reading a lot. thanks to all of you for sharing your wonderful stories. it really does feel helpful. it’s amazing how much i can relate to everything you all say!



  6.  #6Starla on August 12, 2012 at 10:08 am

    Hey hey beautiful Sirens:)

    I just thought I’d drop by and give an update.

    I haven’t had time for dating all week. Things have felt so crazy at work and my Japanese class takes up a lot of my time. Yesterday I went to the county fair with WarriorCD. I’m not sure how into him I am, but he is freaking hot and takes nice care of me when we’re together. I’m also not sure how into me he is. I feel like we’re going through the motions of being two awesomely unique people who like to do romantic things with other awesomely unique people. That’s okay with me:) I actually kind of wish we weren’t in contact so much. He likes to talk and chat all day long, and he also books up my time really fast. Last week I asked him to go to a concert with me this Tuesday, so it would feel good to cool off a bit before then. I am learning a lot of valuable things dating him — primarily not to worry so much about if I seem stupid or weird. He just keeps coming back. This is the beauty of circular dating — you get to be yourself and the ones who want to come back, will. Also, guys just want to get laid, so basically we really ARE the prize, no matter how weird we act.

    I had to cancel my date today (I called a few days ago to cancel) with LuciferCD. He was going to take me to a climbing gym but I am just overbooked and can’t squeeze so much into my days. So he’s going to come to my race on Friday (my first race!) and cheer me on — how sweet is that? And then we’ll go climbing next Sunday instead.

    I have a 3rd date with V on Saturday, and 2 first dates with new guys next weekend as well. My Japanese class is ending very soon and the race will have happened, so life should be slowing way down, so I can start doing weeknight dates and meeting even more guys:)

    It’s just great that all these guys I meet are really into me and think I’m some magical thing they get the pleasure of being around.

    Then I’m going on vacation, making a stop in Austin first to see a man who has always been very good to me since we dated when I lived in El Paso. He’s the executive chef for a very fancy hotel chain, so he will cook me amazing food and show me a great time. He is such a sweet man. He sent me flowers on Vday this year:).

    And then it’s off to the Caribbean cruise.

    And then life really needs to slow down, LOL. I intend to take a month and not do any extra-curriculars, just go to the gym in the mornings.

    Whew, sorry for such a looong update.



  7.  #7siren song on August 12, 2012 at 10:19 am

    update!

    countrycd ended up being very very strange…he took me to meet his parents(!) on our second date and i ended up in the family photo. i felt weird and trapped. he gave me a ring and talked non-stop about kids…

    now i know what it feels like to be on someone else’s super-fast timeline.



  8.  #8Starla on August 12, 2012 at 10:30 am

    LOL siren song. You should have one-upped him and responded with “omg i feel so relieved that you’re on the same page as me! I knew before we met that you were going to be the one for me. I had a dream about it. I love you. Our kids will be beautiful. Let’s go to the courthouse and seal this deal right now. I hope my therapist doesn’t give me a disapproving lecture at our next session like the last time I did this…”



  9.  #9Francesca on August 12, 2012 at 10:58 am

    Rori, that’s great news, thank you!

    Extremely happy to hear that!



  10.  #10Francesca on August 12, 2012 at 11:00 am

    lol Starla! πŸ˜€



  11.  #11MissStix on August 12, 2012 at 11:07 am

    Go starla!!! πŸ˜€ Takin the bull by the horns. Love it!



  12.  #12MissStix on August 12, 2012 at 11:14 am

    I love how we all have unique struggles and triumphs. Even if some of it feels sad. The triumphs feel light and beautiful. The struggles feel dark but still somehow steeped in beauty. Because of the women behind the struggles.



  13.  #13Dancing Siren on August 12, 2012 at 11:17 am

    Hello,

    I have no CDs at the moment.

    But I did get asked out last night so we will see.

    I am missing S, a LOT.

    It is Sunday evening, OUR time, that we always used to spend together.

    And a week tomorrow is when we were supposed to be taking a trip together.

    Tonight I feel an empty space.

    Feels like emptiness in my tummy and tightness in my throat.

    I feel anxiety and fear.

    I have been swinging in and out of feeling like this and feeling positive all weekend.

    It helped earlier. I felt stronger when I held the thoughts

    ‘I CHOSE to step away because *I* don’t want this type of thing in my life. So that was my choice.

    What he chooses, that is HIS choice.’

    And then remember EVERYTHING is ok, and everyone makes their choices, and also what do I want to bring to this world? Do I want to contribute to creating strength and beauty, or neediness, desperation, sadness and toxicity?

    I have a choice.

    Nothing is going on right now.

    AND I can even choose positive thoughts about this situaion if I want to.

    Whatever happens I will handle it, so there is no need to worry.

    Nothing ever stays the same so there is no reason to think this situation would.

    But I feel lonely at the moment.

    And that is ok too.

    I am going to get my book and write ideas in it for the week ahead.



  14.  #14Rebecca on August 12, 2012 at 11:29 am

    Yaay Starla, you totally rock!! I need some Starla fairy dust to sprinkle in my life… Your life sounds awesome..!!



  15.  #15Tam on August 12, 2012 at 11:36 am

    Dancing Siren….I know how you feel. Sundays are a killer for me too…tomorrow is Monday, so the start of a new week!!
    Hang in there!!



  16.  #16siren song on August 12, 2012 at 12:13 pm

    Tam and dancing siren,

    I used to spend every friday with guy who loves me. It used to feel awful when I had that empty friday night, but now I have a different fun thing planned every week. I haven’t felt that deep ‘missing him’ feeling for quite a while.



  17.  #17Tam on August 12, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    Siren song, that’s nice…. and you had the speedy commitment man too πŸ˜‰



  18.  #18Dancing Siren on August 12, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    Thanks Tam,



  19.  #19Tam on August 12, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    I miss MrU too, but he doesn’t seem to be missing me. Believe it or not, it’s a helpful realisation!



  20.  #20Dancing Siren on August 12, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    Ok, Sugar makes me feel really craappy!

    Yes. I have said this before but really feeling it more than ever.

    And it feels hard to not eat it sometimes. When I am out and about, and staying with friends… but it REALLY doesn’t help me feel good. In fact it makes me feel really BAD!!

    So my goal this week is to cut back/out, and I feel EXCITED about it!

    What else…

    Weeel, I may look into some meetup thingys…



  21.  #21Dancing Siren on August 12, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    I went down on the floor in the bathroom and felt the emptiness in my tummy.

    I put my hand on my tummy and riffed and breathed.

    It morphed.

    I had a bath and hairwash and felt better but now the icky feeling is back.

    Now feels like tightness in my chest.

    I am going to feed myself now.

    And then put away my clean clothes.

    Then I am going to iron some clothes for my Mum.

    And then change up my change.

    I would like to get enough money to have my hair done, but there are some other bills I need to pay first!

    I am intending to manifest the means to get my hair done. I feel energetically positive about it.

    I am experimenting with ‘feeling’ as though everything with S is ok too, even though it totally doesn’t appear to be right now!



  22.  #22Francesca on August 12, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    (((Dancing Siren)))

    You’re gonna make it. β™₯



  23.  #23Sunshine on August 12, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    Yesterday I had closure/ “break up” with a fantasy relationship of five years. As toxic as this relationhip was I was and am deeply in love with this guy. Ive deleted his facebook and changed my phone number. I feel determined to move forward however I also feel crushed. I have been in denial for so long and even when I have broken it off before, there was also a little bit of hope. Im not gonna fool myself any longer, this was a hopeless situation. He clarified to me yesterday that he was never in love with me, and that even though we have things in common and that there is attraction, there isnt a “spark”…that doesnt make sense but ok. Anyway any words of encouragement would be kindly appreciated…tips on how to move on, recover, anything because I feel crushed. I dont feel like dating at the moment fyi, i feel too emotionally weak right now to do so…



  24.  #24Sunshine on August 12, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    I feel so sad right now, I feel like the little nerves around my stomach are overstressed and worked. Like little burnt wires were the tips are spiking out. I feel like theres a hot iron pressing against my chest right in between my chest and sligtly underneath. I feel a sour tingle in my throught, and tingling. My nose feels clogged and my eyes are dry from all the crying earlier today. I feel tired



  25.  #25Tam on August 12, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    (((sunshine))) jeepers, 5 years!!! I am so sorry, that must be devastating, I can’t imagine.
    But you can be proud of yourself, it takes a lot of strength to walk and you’re doing the right thing!!
    It has really made me wonder too….2 years is bad enough. Made me more resolved to stay away too. Thanks for sharing!



  26.  #26Francesca on August 12, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    (((Sunshine)))

    The only thing you have to do now is take care of you, take time to process the feelings you are feeling, whatever they might be, keep busy, find fun things for you to do and CD yourself.

    Turn the energy towards you because you are the #1 person in your life, you are the most important one.



  27.  #27Sunshine on August 12, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    Thanks Tam, I just hope i can stop crying soon…i wonder if i should do lots of activities this week to keep my mind off of it or the opposite rest and cry it out. I wonder if i should move back to my home city. I moved to the present city to see where it would go with him, and I am renting in the room he used to live in…hes everywhere even if hes not. this is difficult



  28.  #28Tam on August 12, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    Aw, sunshine…maybe move to where your friends/family are – a change of scenery can help a lot, especially if all reminds you of him.
    Try to do activities if you feel like it, but don’t force yourself.
    Be kind and gentle with yourself.



  29.  #29MissStix on August 12, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    (((sunshine)))

    It’s never easy but it does take time…I’m with francesca. Take yourself out and do things you enjoy. Live within every moment because past and future aren’t really what matter. You are on the right path.

    I like to take meditative adventures by myself and deeply feel everything with every sense. Like swimming at night. Feel the cool water and see the night sky and connect and cleanse.

    Do whatever helps you cleanse yourself of the really bad feelings.



  30.  #30Tereana on August 12, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    Sunshine – it is okay to take a break and not date right now if you don’t want to! But you can still keep your heart open, and imagine that some man you catch checking you out might be a million times better for you than the guy you just left – because the next guy might care about you and take care of you. And you’ll get to find out : ) but it’s okay to let yourself have a grieving period first.,.

    ReceivingGirl – this is old, but I happened to read your post about your dad from two articles ago. It made me feel so mad to read about how he treated you around you owning your own home! It triggers me a little, because it reminds me of ways that I often feel “punished” for having success is my family. And this may be getting into his head a bit, but it makes me wonder if *he* feels triggered by your independence. Maybe he doesn’t like it that you can do this on your own. Maybe he wants to “provide” for you, and instead it comes across as diminishing your freedom. It almost sounds patriarchal, too, like would he treat a son the same way? That makes me extra mad to think about. But regardless of the reason, none of it is okay, and all of it is disrespectful to you.

    I would recommend against expressing a feeling message to him. That might feel good at first. But I don’t think the end result will feel good at all. I.e. it won’t get you where you want to go. You can tell him to stop. But you might need some back-up.

    Where us your mother in all this? Is she living or in the picture at all?

    Are there any other family members you can find who support you, who can be your allies – at least to talk to and feel stronger, of nothing else. You can always ignore your dad’s emails, although that sounds hard for you.

    If you need to, you could also talk to a lawyer for advice. It is really not okay for your dad to try and sell your mortgage to anyone at all – and if he thought the mortgage was so bad, why try to keep it in the family? A lawsuit or a restraining order almost sounds appropriate – or at least the threat of one, if he doesn’t stop. He probably will be mad about that, too. But it really doesn’t sound as if he has your best interests at heart. You do, though!

    You love you, and way to go for buying your own house! That totally rocks. And if he doesn’t like it, too bad. But it may take more than that for you to feel comfortable…

    Big hugs!!



  31.  #31Radlove on August 12, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    I hope that doing that doesn’t delete anything in the blog.



  32.  #32Dancing Siren on August 12, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    Help Pls.

    S is texting me again.

    The truth is I feel REALLY relieved, and pleased to hear from him.

    I have missed having contact with him,

    But how do I look after myself here?

    Don’t worry, I WILL C-date now. Without a doubt. I feel committed to that.

    But, what about my boundary.

    I don’t want to be with a drunk.

    But can I let him text me at the moment?

    He has been attending AA meetings.

    Unsure what to do.

    Feel relieved and happy to hear from him and scared of getting sucked into my own emotional addictions again here.



  33.  #33Rori Raye on August 12, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    Ashley – until you’re willing to make yourself available – and “see yourself with another man,” you’ll continue to tell yourself the story that you’re hung up on this one man. And you’ll stay stuck in this one place. You’re WAY to young for that! Do you really want to STOP living your life? Do you want to put a big “I’m not emotionally available” sign on your chest? Love, Rori



  34.  #34Rori Raye on August 12, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    Ashley, if you drive out to visit his family (where he lives), you might as well be putting a stake in your own heart. Please wake up and put your energy elsewhere. Love, Rori



  35.  #35Smile on August 12, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    ((dancing siren))

    ((sunshine))



  36.  #36Smile on August 12, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    Hi sirens,

    I’m feeling happy and busy and loving my life right now!!!



  37.  #37Miss Bells on August 12, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    (((((Ashely)))) Big Hugs. I know how it feels…



  38.  #38Daria on August 12, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    i feel guilty

    i feel triggered

    i feel defensive

    i remember when i was on this blog i felt uncomfortable and i was always insisting on EVERYONE practicing feeling messages on here…

    it seemed ladies took a month or so, but started having HUGE improvements…

    then there was a new batch of ladies and again ,etc

    and now it seems since ive dropped back on that behavior some of the ladies are having no improvement and have made almost no progress with feeling messages

    and i feel guilty and also confused

    i don’t want to be seen as a bad guy rule stickler

    i don’t want to have ladies have less help and success than before

    i don’t want to feel guilty

    i don’t want to read draining stories of predictable unsuccesses

    im feeling frustrated

    im feeling lost

    im feeling pist

    i feel defensive

    i feel guilty

    sigh

    i love me

    i love all my feelings

    i want to feel good

    i want to feel pleased and peaceful and joyful

    i want to feel uplifted, supported, inspired, helped and healed

    i want to feel in the company of likeminded people

    i feel angry!

    i feel guilty

    i love my anger

    i lvoe my guilt

    i want to feel good

    i want to feel happy

    i want to feel supported

    i want to feel honored acknowledged, loved

    i feel like i can’t take a full breath

    i lvoe my not full breath feeling

    i feel like running away from this riff

    i love my running away feeling

    i really feel curious to keep learning about the crystals i was learing about



  39.  #39Dancing Siren on August 12, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    Hey Daria



  40.  #40Sunshine on August 12, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    thanks ladies for your responses, I will keep feeling my feelings and also trying a bit of an activity once I have some energy…I wonder how many days will i continue to cry its somewhat uncomfortable in public. Since yesterday, i get on the bus, go to work and without my consent the water just starts flowing in public. If I wasnt so tight on my budget I would ask for days off from work. I feel like I lost a family member, even though he was such a jerk, and he led me on. I felt in a way he was my support in my career goals, helping me get around the city, and fulfilling atleast a tiny bit of attention when he was available. I feel so pathetic, and sometimes judgemental about myself. I hope to let all of this go. I pray that Jesus helps me, his love unconditional, merciful, powerful and all knowing. may he give me strength through this



  41.  #41Sunshine on August 12, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    i feel weird dont understand why my comment is awaiting moderation…is it because i said i pray Jesus will help me? i dont think im offending anyone by stating religious views for myself…hmm



  42.  #42Tereana on August 12, 2012 at 2:45 pm

    Also, RG, it may seem harsh or impersonal to think of using a lawyer with your own father. Like that might be a kind of family betrayal. But you need to take care of you. And FMs just aren’t going to cut it right now, because they don’t work on people who are being irrational and/or triggered – they might even trigger him further, because they demonstrate confidence. And it is your confidence that threatens him. So you might need some legal protection. It is YOUR house.

    (((RG)))



  43.  #43Daria on August 12, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    Hey Dancing Siren πŸ™‚



  44.  #44Sunshine on August 12, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    does anyone know what are the reasons for a comment “awaiting moderation”?



  45.  #45Daria on August 12, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    FM’s DO work ESPECIALLY well in intense emotional situations where people are triggered…. they are the way out of the triggeredness



  46.  #46Daria on August 12, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    Sunshine – yes, certain words for one reason or another Rori has put into moderation in the past

    the list is

    “bit9ch”

    “plu*m”

    “jes*us”

    “fuc*k”

    … also if your post has more than one weblink in it



  47.  #47Butterfly wings on August 12, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    472 from previous thread – Daria, I’m not sure what you mean. I AM CDing and he DID ask me out in advance.

    I feel confused and a little frustrated… :-/



  48.  #48Sunshine on August 12, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    Daria, thanks hmm well I was stating that I pray so and so will help me through this that starts with the letter J. I dont think Im offending annyone by stating this person help me? i feel bothered



  49.  #49Belle on August 12, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    Daria,

    I feel appreciation for the reminder.
    I noticed that I felt weird and disconnected and was slipping into “wanting to be helpful” mode.
    I love tools and am constantly seeking new processes and more and more I feel so much better when I simply embody the knowledge and practice it.
    I feel pushy when I try to “help”, which feels bad.

    Getting in my head and feeling super-rational, aka going all “Ms. Spock” is some weird effing habit I picked up from an ex. It feels bad, separate, sometimes cutting, I feel ashamed sometimes when I notice it. I feel regret after it happens, for feeling defensive. I feel frustrated, just learning a different way to be.
    I feel tears.

    Earlier today I felt a mean struggle within myself, and some compassion.
    A part of me feel so attached to the imaginary relationship boy, and a part of me wants to just get him out of my darned mind already.
    The attached part feels so small, so girly, so vulnerable, the other feels more masculine, and annoyed.
    I felt scared and sad that maybe I can’t change.
    I am crying now, thinking about it.
    I’m noticing about how I want to go into a story about my past, HA!
    I remember how a few days ago, feeling so good about how I will never never tell the story of being damaged goods or scarred for life.
    I feel sick.
    I feel curious, what would happen, if I fully accepted that part that cannot change?
    Am I believing that if I accept her I’ll be stuck pining away for unavailable men forever?
    Or…if I can accept that aspect can’t change, will I see her loved side instead of her shadow side? That aspect is intensely loyal and attaches deeply and loves beyond all reason (I feel more tears, a catch in my throat, bubbling teary laughter).
    Ohh….okay, something coming to the surface now.
    Not exactly sure..
    If I can accept her, and that she can’t change…
    I’m wondering…
    Hmm..
    Can’t quite put my finger on what’s coming up or the question that wants to be asked…

    A shower and getting ready to meet with friends would feel good right now so I’ll hop to it and let this simmer.



  50.  #50Butterfly wings on August 12, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    7 Siren Song – OMG!! I never thought of it like that. I know I feel super icky and turned off when a guy’s timeline is too fast, but never thought about how guys feel about us when ours is too fast.

    Thank you for posting that – it all finally makes sense!



  51.  #51Daria on August 12, 2012 at 3:44 pm

    Sunshine – you are likely not offending anyone, however that word is on a list that goes automatically to moderation due to events in teh past

    i use an * or other symbol to break up the word so that i don’t go into moderation



  52.  #52Femininewoman on August 12, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    Dancing Siren I would tell him I feel pleased to hear from him



  53.  #53Femininewoman on August 12, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    Sunshine I believe that is a very common situation. He might have stayed hoping the spark would start and trying to make you “the one” in his gut. Who knows. I have accepted that heartbreak is just an opening to let more love in. You did well and your tears will soothe the sore spots. You are strong and have turned your energy back to yourself. The one thing to do now is to have faith that you will magnetically attract true love to fill the space you have created.



  54.  #54Daria on August 12, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    im noticing i feel really drained πŸ™

    i don’t feel comfortable expressing myself when i notice someone consistently taking action that pains themselves

    one of my patterns is to disconnect, close my heart and judge, and that’s what’s happening now

    i want to heal this

    this behavior of not expressing myself actually harms me, as i get in a pattern of holding back and wind up tolerating the awfulness of witnessing others’ pain

    ugh i HATE that

    love to me love to me



  55.  #55Sunshine on August 12, 2012 at 4:16 pm

    thanks Daria, I currently am feeling sad because I am making a choice to let go of someone I truely love for my own emotional health. this is soooo hard, and I feel ackward talking about it so much I hope Im not being annoying on the blog but I just cant vent about it enough today since we had closure yesterday.



  56.  #56Belle on August 12, 2012 at 4:18 pm

    Gonna skit out in a sec but wanted to jot this down – while I was drying my hair I felt a little “a-ha!”

    It’s that I’m simply still acting from a wounded place.
    I’m still healing from intense feelings of abandonment and betrayal (yes, rings, true, tears falling as I type).

    I’ll be ready to move on when I’m ready.
    Ahhh. Feels better already.
    I feel relief.
    I feel tenderness and compassion for me.
    Love and blessings feel like soft summer rain gently pitter-patting all through my insides.
    I feel a sigh.
    I feel more acceptance for where I am in my process, forgiveness and love for me where I am right here right now.



  57.  #57Daria on August 12, 2012 at 4:22 pm

    Butterfly Wings – something felt off and low level of difficulty to me about that situation…

    maybe other sirens will chime in to clarify compassionately ?

    i feel closed off and i don’t trust my words or intent right now



  58.  #58Meganism on August 12, 2012 at 4:24 pm

    Thanks for letting us know, Rori! You’re the best and I look forward to more great stuff here.



  59.  #59Dancing Siren on August 12, 2012 at 4:26 pm

    Ok,

    I feel quite positive.

    I can continue to use this as a fresh start.

    I get to try Rori’s 3rd way…

    Again.

    Cus the door is not totally closed.

    No closure.

    Yay!

    BUT – and I think this makes ALL the difference.

    I can re-commit to me.

    I am not stuck.

    I am free.

    I can truly open myself to other experiences, other men, and MY relationship and future that I want, without hanging that on any 1 man.

    I am ready to do this.

    AND I get to focus on ME as well as CD-ing, and continue to work on disconnecting from my own addictions, to emotional drama. To co-dependency/co-toxicness…

    To break this pattern of unhealthy ways of relating, and instead replace them with new, healthier ways of relating.



  60.  #60Daria on August 12, 2012 at 4:26 pm

    ((((Sunshine))))



  61.  #61Daria on August 12, 2012 at 4:27 pm

    Yay Dancing Siren! πŸ™‚



  62.  #62Dancing Siren on August 12, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    Radlove,

    I hope you don’t mind me saying, and I was thinking about you and your situation, and even though I see you are on your journey and healing, I feel afraid, that I could end up in the same loop with S that you seem to be with R.

    Although I think my situation IS different.

    I hope so. And I feel worried of offending you and I thought it was better to talk directly to you.

    I hope and intend that I can find my way through this in a truly healthy way, and truly keep the focus on me.

    AND, I hope you can in your situation too.

    xoxoxo



  63.  #63Daria on August 12, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    Wow I somehow expressed myself really WELL

    i feel glad (and afraid to share that)

    i didn’t even know i would say that or realize i felt that way until i wrote it

    im healing

    yay (((((Daria))))



  64.  #64Belle on August 12, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    Daria
    52
    “i don’t feel comfortable expressing myself when i notice someone consistently taking action that pains themselves

    one of my patterns is to disconnect, close my heart and judge, and that’s what’s happening now”

    I feel curious, how it does it feel to close your heart and judge?

    I feel rivers of compassion when I read this, flowing from my fingertips to you.



  65.  #65Dancing Siren on August 12, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    Well, taking care of me right now looks like going to bed.

    Night night Sirens.

    xoxox



  66.  #66Megan on August 12, 2012 at 4:42 pm

    ladies,

    do ya’ll have a hard time getting validation??
    what is about guys they seemed to be wired to do exactly what we don’t want.

    Just say OKAY. Don’t offer me solutions!!

    I DONT WANT YOUR ADVICE ON WHAT TO DOOO!!

    I feel sad, don’t tell me how I should feel or what I should DO, give me validation for feeling sad!!!!

    DAMN is it that HARD???



  67.  #67Emoticon on August 12, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    ahhhh i feel super excited to see the changes….i wonder whats gonna be different.



  68.  #68Butterfly wings on August 12, 2012 at 4:52 pm

    55 Daria – I am leaning RIGHT back (more than ever before), he’s inviting me on dates in advance and I am CDing.

    I feel confused as to why this looks like a low level of difficulty.

    In fact, starting this week he’ll be seeing less of me than he ever did due to other priorities I have in my life right now.

    So this makes me MORE difficult than I was before, when he stepped up the last time.



  69.  #69Tereana on August 12, 2012 at 4:53 pm

    So I just had a thought/insight.

    Leaning back = good. Bit sometimes maybe we want to “lean forward.” and I’m thinking – maybe it is okay to move forward, if it is our heart that is pulling us? Whereas, if it is our mind, or our egos, it can be damaging. We *think* we will get the result that we want. But it doesn’t get us there. Whereas our heart has no expectations. It is curious, open to possibility. Non-threatening, even, perhaps.

    So we lean back with our egos, move forward when our hearts call us.

    Or maybe I am just making an excuse for myself. Lol.

    I did really well at not contacting my Sweety at all yesterday, even though I would really have liked to see him. But I’m trying not to be a diva, or “spoiled.” so, ok, I didn’t “get what wanted,” or what I thought was going to happen didn’t happen. So what? It’s not the end of the story.

    And I checkedy email this morning & had a nice message from him. So I wrote back. Then, in the afternoon, I wanted to call him. I called a girlfriend first. She wasn’t there, so I left a message. Then he kept popping up in my contacts list. So I decided to go for it. I just called, and he answered. But I made it really low-key. Just called for fun and to say hi. Of course, I’ve had other thoughts on my mind. But right then, I just wanted to make the call, with no agenda. We’ll see how he responds. He might call me back later, he might not. I might be busy later, I might not be. We will see that, too.

    I just feel good following what my heart and the moment were telling me. I still have my doubts as to whether or not he can “do” relationship. I’m not sure that he’s ready, and neither is he. So why should I push it? I just feel like enjoying myself, enjoying life, enjoying the ride, and that feels good.

    I like that attitude, that feeling and that approach much better than just being afraid every second of what I am doing/have done/am about to do wrong

    : )



  70.  #70Daria on August 12, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    Megan – men are that way, and that’s masculine energy

    i can say… thank you… i appreciate your care babe… mmm and it would feel so good to just be listened to now for awhile , i don’t want any input for a moment and i will ask after… what do you think?



  71.  #71April Rose on August 12, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    Megan,

    I hear you and I want the same thing when I feel sad. I like it when a man simply gives me a hug.

    I’m also learning to enjoy their masculine energy more. A man in masculine energy wants to offer solutions. He wants to fix things to make you feel better. He wants to be your hero.
    A masculine man responds well to appreciation.

    Even when I’m sad, I can say “Thank you” “It feels good to have your help”, and carry on crying. I can even say “it would feel good to have a hug right now”

    Vulnerability is key here.



  72.  #72Daria on August 12, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    Belle – “eel curious, how it does it feel to close your heart and judge?”

    well actually it feels pretty good. as in solid. i feel comfortable.

    i feel like a Rock, like a giant mountain wall.

    like a powerful steam roller.

    and i feel also this hot energy coming up from my back to my head

    and theres all these hard thoughts. that feel reassuring like jumping on hard rocks while crossing a river

    it feels Really compelling to speak from that place

    i can be SO witty and astute

    i LOVE that energy

    but it doesnt feel good after

    it doesnt feel connected open and warm

    after i feel sad, guilty, fearful, like a puddle wallowy sad alone self

    im babystepping to healing this



  73.  #73Daria on August 12, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    Butterfly – when you had an unconfirmed date (no set time = no planned date for me *and according to Rori*) , and started a Plan B activity (cooking roast) –

    I assume you wouldn’t have cooked roast if you had a confirmed, planned activity… dancing out at 8 for example –

    and then invited him over (him asking to come would be a bit different)

    looks like low level of difficulty to me.

    Hope that helps!

    I feel all buterflyiie inside cuz I really want to stop accepting last minute invites or unconfirmed plans myself



  74.  #74Emoticon on August 12, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    I feel super excited also to move from NYC back to Maryland and to see one fo my CDs again. He is counting down lol he just sent me a “6 more days” text message. On the phone last night he said he would come over the night i get back πŸ™‚



  75.  #75Daria on August 12, 2012 at 5:14 pm

    Also, given the past, i would also not be accepting in home dates from him and would keep it at formal, really proper dates out dates where im not cooking



  76.  #76Megan on August 12, 2012 at 5:14 pm

    i feel fearful that there is something wrong with the me or the way I communicate then…

    a guy told me convos are basically 1 sided and that I’m always right.

    I just never feel heard. i say something and he comes at me with 50 reasons and exs as to why I should feel/do something else.

    It makes me feel wrong for feeling whatver it is I have just expressed.

    so I try to keep illustrating the way *I* feel and why it’s valid, and it comes across to him as me rejecting all his “ideas” when he’s just “trying to help”.

    I said I dont want advice. he gets mad and says than I have nothing, dont ask for my opinion again.

    I DIDN’T ASK IN THE FIRST PLACE!!

    I dont feel like I could respond w appreciation until I felt heard and validated.

    Is it wrong to seek validation from him?

    perhaps not feeling validated is a deep rooted pattern for me and thus a hot button…



  77.  #77Butterfly wings on August 12, 2012 at 5:21 pm

    Daria we did have the night confirmed (not exact activities, but we rarely planned in advance in the past anyway) and he was basically leaving it up to me as to the time because I had to drop my daughter at work etc but wasn’t sure of time.

    I decided at the last minute that I wanted the roast and it was totally up to him if he joined me or not. And I didn’t really care either way. I was just taking care of my needs first, and left it up to him what he wanted to do about it.

    I still don’t see how that can be seen as a low level of difficulty??? And what’s more, I’m a LOT less available than I was before he moved in! I used to see him almost every night. But now it’s not like that.



  78.  #78Sunshine on August 12, 2012 at 5:22 pm

    Thanks Feminine woman, I wish he was in love with me:( its too bad…i felt it in my heart he was but he said it thru text he never was, so now Im questioning my own intuition. Anyway i will have faith and pray. May my sadness leave me soon I have an appt. with my university therapist who is very understanding on Tuesday, and Tuesday cant come soon enough.



  79.  #79MissStix on August 12, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    mmmm such a lovely lazy sunday. Morning coffee outside in the cool fresh air as the sun rose clear and yellow and orange and blue like a vibrant flower blossoming in the heavens. The air felt cool with a zingy touch of moisture. The smell of moist earth touched my nose and that felt exhilarating. A million tiny particles of joy rushing into me all at once.

    Brunch sat light in my belly and left me feeling droopy eyed and satiated and content. Walk mid-day under the sun so warm on my skin. The view always breath-taking. Feel so happy and lucky to live in such a beautiful place with trees and mountains and oceans and lakes and rivers and cliffs! Triggered memories of wading ankle deep white water rushing and flowing over my skin. So so so cold like pins prickling and numb sensation. Such pleasure in the caress of nature. Simple pleasure un-complicated by “what ifs”.

    If only I could narrow down to a touch, a physical delight at all times I would never feel bad. The inevitable pull back, the yawning of focus…Wider and wider. It always sucks me back to reality.

    I want to be lost in the surreal. I am so looking forward to the squamish festival in 2 weeks. I get to be with nature and my lover for 4 entire days! It was such bliss last year. Beautiful people of all shades mingling beneith the mountains and sun and stars of the sky. The sound of music and the taste of beer and the scent of mari-juana all tantalize my senses. I felt completely at one with who I am and I felt not one single malignant feeling during that weekend with G. He fell in love with me on that weekend. I knew it right down to the tiniest particle in my body.

    Ok in simpler words…I’m STOKED for this trip πŸ˜€ Not going to think about how I can’t afford it. It’s the only trip this summer and we have been looking forward to it since may.



  80.  #80Belle on August 12, 2012 at 5:29 pm

    Daria,

    I feel surprised, reading your post.
    Our feelings are so different!
    It feels good to see “other” for who you are rather than a projections.

    I feel admiration for your clever ability to protect your precious heart.

    I feel a smile in my heart and a grin spread across my face when I think of baby steps.
    I imagine a little one, just barely hanging on to the edge of a chair or a coffee table, beaming with pride at her ability to stand up and move along the edge with a little support.

    I remember a little one from long ago, and reaching out my arms to her to catch her as she ambled forward and so much love and pride my heart felt so wide open it felt like it might burst, smiling and calling her forward…”Solita! Solita! (Spanish for “All by yourself!) and the smile on her face as she realized she was walking without holding on and I scooped her up and hugged her tight and made happy, squealing noises while she laughed and laughed and I put her down and we started the game all over again.

    I feel tenderness and a welcoming, nurturing space for your babysteps and mine…for all of ours.
    Geez we are really are the walking wounded on this planet. So many sensitive creatures treated so insensitively, all walking around with secret (or not) bloodied bandages and trauma compulsions to self-punish again and again.

    We are healing this.
    Love is healing this.
    It feels good to love.



  81.  #81Emoticon on August 12, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    I feel really optimistic right now



  82.  #82Femininewoman on August 12, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    BW for what it is worth I agree with Daria. He asked for the break you agreed on 4 weeks but it seems things have stayed the same. I believe a clean 4 week break with no contact could possibly give the relationship a fresh start down the road. I say that as I remember a guy I did that with panting like he was running miles when he finally called me begging to call him back because he couldn’t hear well. If I were you cooking for him would be a no no. Even when I am available I would say no to his invites. I would just be talking to him when he elbows his way into my space and sharing my feelings unashamedly. He knows you very well. Right now he needs to experience himself guessing about you. He needs to feel off balance. Feeling like you deeply love him but experiencing you not needing him while enjoying your life.



  83.  #83Femininewoman on August 12, 2012 at 6:03 pm

    BW I meant say no to his invites sometimes. Those times you use to date yourself, connecting with yourself. No kids, no plans, no work. Just you with you.



  84.  #84Butterfly wings on August 12, 2012 at 6:31 pm

    Ok ladies I probably didn’t properly explain what our “break” meant. It was more about him taking a step back and spending a little bit of time away from me to allow me the time and the space to deal with my depression and get better, but still seeing each other – just not as often.

    He did invite me over a couple of times last week that I declined also.

    As for the cooking thing, I def do not agree. I was cooking anyway. For me. And I really didn’t care if he joined me or not – it’s not like I had the intention of doing something for him – it was all about me and what I wanted.

    And i now feel GOOD. I’m enjoying my “me time”, I’m doing fun things with my friends, and I finally feel HAPPY again.

    None of this feels bad anymore. I’m getting the help I need for my depression, TH has been amazing, and our relationship has dramatically improved.

    So we might not be living together right now but we are definitely on a positive journey.

    Rori offers us the tools – not a lifestyle. Each relationship differs and every person is different. So we apply the tools that work in that moment, based on our experiences and state of mind. and of course how we FEEL.

    I believe if you stick too hard and fast to the “rules” (ick – that’s how it’s beginning to feel – like I’m being accused of breaking the rules), seeing everything as black and white, you may NEVER give Mr Right a chance and he’ll move on to someone a little more open…

    Rori always says to be aware of how we feel and to do what feels good.

    I can’t remember the last time I felt this good with TH. so something is working. In fact, I feel AMAZING! One of the guys here at work commented this morning that I seem happier too.

    And now I feel defensive, like I’m speaking in another language and nobody understands… :-/



  85.  #85Daria on August 12, 2012 at 6:33 pm

    “I decided at the last minute that I wanted the roast and it was totally up to him if he joined me or not”

    this feels weird to me… i feel icky reading “it was totally up to him if he joined me or not”

    it sounds like its already a given that he can join you… ie low level of difficulty

    if it was totally up to him if he joined u or not, it rather sounds like you’re there if he wants to or not,

    ick

    i would have said, it was completely up to me if he joined me or not

    and i decided to let him join me when he asked

    this phrasing along with the “he had a choice to” phrasing

    REALLY triggers me. it gives me the impression of putting feminine power of choice into the man’s hands

    ick



  86.  #86Rori Raye on August 12, 2012 at 6:34 pm

    Sunshine – Yes – “Jesus” is a word (wonderful, yes, but in the past, misused) that lands you in moderation…we’ve discovered over time that staying completely secular works best for everyone, and keeps us on topic. Love, Rori



  87.  #87Daria on August 12, 2012 at 6:37 pm

    Megan – ” dont feel like I could respond w appreciation until I felt heard and validated.”

    you can

    ALWAYS appreciate first, no matter what. find Something to appreciate

    we women take the first steps with appreciation, and then being heard and validated can follow



  88.  #88Daria on August 12, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    To me it’s not about rules, jsut ‘ick’ and ‘oh no’ feelings in my body

    I really feel different in feminine energy and masculine energy

    and imagining myself in certain scenarios triggers feelings in me

    choice of words and ways of phrasing express energy and trigger feelings as way



  89.  #89Butterfly wings on August 12, 2012 at 6:49 pm

    Rori says to do what feels good. I felt good in ditching his plans to go with mine, while also feeling open to the man I live sharing a delicious meal with me.

    What’s not to like about that? I had a wonderful night and I’m happier than I have been in a long time. Yes I’ll miss him this week, but again I have plans to keep myself busy.

    I’ve also bought concert tickets and will be going to that without him. Plus we have another girls night planned.

    My life is not on hold. It’s moving forward in a positive way. He may or may not be in my future, but he is right now. And I’m enjoying my time with him more than ever because I’m leaning back and I feel relaxed and ok with any outcome. πŸ™‚



  90.  #90Butterfly wings on August 12, 2012 at 6:50 pm

    Oops the man I *love!



  91.  #91Daria on August 12, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    i wonder if this ‘stick to rules’ and ‘don’t stick to the rules’ perception is a defense pattern

    to keep from getting aware of feelings underneath

    i certainly have noticed a trigger around ‘rules’ for my own self



  92.  #92P-lala on August 12, 2012 at 6:58 pm

    Daria,

    I have triggers around rules, too. Rules…feels constricting and trapped. Ugh



  93.  #93siren song on August 12, 2012 at 6:59 pm

    countrycd is asking me out for the whole weekend next weekend and wants to come to my show on friday. i feel really pressured.



  94.  #94siren song on August 12, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    i really really don’t want to see him again…i feel confident i learned my message with him…don’t push commitment on someone…yikes.

    now i have to tell him i feel weird and cut him loose…i do feel weird. and i feel guilty. i feel guilty when i have to let someone down.



  95.  #95Daria on August 12, 2012 at 7:06 pm

    ‘the man I love’ kinda sounds like you’re hung up on him…

    you’re not in a relationship right?

    didn’t he just ‘unrelationship you on facebook’ ?

    you’re taking space so that hopefully he will decide to come back to you?

    yuck!

    sounds like he’s a girl on a pedestal, being won over

    ick

    i feel like im fighting with you here and i don’t want to be put in this position

    it feels bad to me

    watching you harm yourself also feels bad

    i feel annoyed that i feel invested in this

    i feel pist



  96.  #96Daria on August 12, 2012 at 7:11 pm

    do you really want to keep giving him your feminine power of choice by saying ‘it’s HIS choice to say yes to your masculine invites’

    if you put yourself first for real consistently with boundaries and real boundaries on your OWN communication, not just aggressively and abusively in anger

    you think you put yourself first in this situation by inviting him over and basically cooking for him, or by moving him in your house with no commitment, and sticking around while he disses you chasing another woman, then going on guy – only trips with his friends, then planning to do more in the future,

    the PUBLICLY HUMILIATING YOU BY DUMPING YOU ON FACEBOOK!

    while you cook him roast



  97.  #97siren song on August 12, 2012 at 7:15 pm

    i always want to make sure men aren’t mad at me!!!

    i feel tired of worrying about it.

    i want to just tell this guy ‘i feel pressured and i don’t feel good’.

    i am not letting myself be honest. i am trying to be a people pleaser. i want to heal this.



  98.  #98Femininewoman on August 12, 2012 at 7:17 pm

    RE 96 Daria I feel like my brain swelling, reading these comments. Like it is pressing against my skull wanting to burst. First time i am noticing these feelings.



  99.  #99Daria on August 12, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    Uhoh I feel sad

    Sorry Bw

    Sorry Daria

    Too harsh oichie

    Feeling frustrated

    I want to communicate what I Feel!!!

    And feel good!

    I don’t want to feel sad after and I don’t want to feel sad as I hold back on expressing myself

    I feel needy for this I feel desperate and helpless

    I want this and I feel out of reach of it and that feels not good

    And also exciting cuz my voices say its coming within reach yay



  100.  #100Femininewoman on August 12, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    Now I am feeling tightness in my nose and a lump in my throat.



  101.  #101siren song on August 12, 2012 at 7:20 pm

    i remember being 15 or so and a guy at school having a super-intense crush on me. i felt embarrassed for him. and i felt really bad for not feeling the same way about him. i just didn’t feel a real attraction. and i felt pressured.

    i feel the same way again. i feel dizzy!



  102.  #102Butterfly wings on August 12, 2012 at 7:20 pm

    Daria, now I’m just feeling angry. I know what feels good. My interactions with him over the last week feel WONDERFUL.

    On the other hand, having someone I don’t really know who I don’t think has ever had a LTR, trying to tell me why my feelings are wrong, and what I’m doing is wrong, does NOT feel good…

    I’ve had that man in my life, holding me as I go to sleep, for some time now. He’s reacted to my depression how many men would (my mother was warned my Dad would do the same when she was suffering). But he’s not totally abandoned me. He’s still there.

    And Facebook is Facebook. I do NOT feel humiliated by that.

    And if he comes back then great. But if not, so what? Either way I will be ok. As I keep saying!!!!!

    Please stop trying to turn your perceptions into my thoughts – they differ much more than you realise.

    Thank you.



  103.  #103Daria on August 12, 2012 at 7:21 pm

    Femininewoman – hmmm I wonder if you’re sensing some of my energy?

    That’s what I feel when writing in that voice, though I never noticed it either



  104.  #104Femininewoman on August 12, 2012 at 7:22 pm

    ouch



  105.  #105Sunshine on August 12, 2012 at 7:22 pm

    Thanks Rori for your response I understand definitely. I would feel upset if I saw that word in a swearing form as well so glad its in moderation for that purpose also, and also to stay on topic. i was just expressing the healing process i was going through…
    anyway side note i always feel excited to see your personal replies its fun to see you on here πŸ™‚



  106.  #106Femininewoman on August 12, 2012 at 7:25 pm

    Daria maybe. But this is huge learning and huge healing here for me. I feel trembly and gooey now. Like I want to feel all girly and feminine. The level of awareness and driving the stake in the ground for self feels really scary.



  107.  #107Femininewoman on August 12, 2012 at 7:27 pm

    Ow. My throat feels tight and frontal lobe feels presurring on my forhead. My lips feel numb and my heart feel trembly.



  108.  #108Femininewoman on August 12, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    “I know what feels good”. I am questioning myself if I do.



  109.  #109Femininewoman on August 12, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    “I don’t think has ever had a LTR”

    ouch ouch ouch

    (((((((((((Daria))))))))))))



  110.  #110Daria on August 12, 2012 at 7:35 pm

    I feel like my guts are burning

    I feel smily too

    I feel angry and defensive and smily and happy

    Yay I’ve learned to feel more comfortable with my anger!

    Also this triggered a memory of my relationship with my boyfriend of 2 years in high school

    He was fantastically devoted to me and loving, I wasn’t ready, not even close



  111.  #111Daria on August 12, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    Femininewoman – all good , not interested in an LTR more interested in being happy single until a lifetime great relationship



  112.  #112Butterfly wings on August 12, 2012 at 7:38 pm

    In dealing with my depression I’ve really had to get in touch with how I feel and to reframe negative feelings.

    It’s amazing how well this is working for me because I feel so FREE and happy and relaxed!!

    And sorry Daria for what I said re LTR. I was feeling so defensive, like when I was once held up at gunpoint. People were there telling me what I was going through and how I was feeling when they really had no clue because they’d never experienced that.

    I was feeling like that with you and should not have lashed out like that. I just felt so angry that I was being told that my thoughts were wrong.



  113.  #113Butterfly wings on August 12, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    And TH did NOT humiliate me. In fact, I was the one who updated my relationship status. Not him!

    He can only humiliate me if I let him. In this case he did nothing.



  114.  #114Daria on August 12, 2012 at 7:42 pm

    Ok noticing ‘all good’. Actually no it’s not, I felt like I got kicked

    I’m assuming I’m bring judged for being single and it feels a bit horrific and also disheartening and also Aha as my brain makes analysis connections if whaat that means regarding judgements of self is other people etc etc as oh ok so u think it’s better to be in not feel good relationships than to be single and that could be the reason to stuckness

    All that in the head stuff – defense – I feel kinda disassociated as I really felt bad and still am in mu tummy as it is turning



  115.  #115Femininewoman on August 12, 2012 at 7:45 pm

    Daria I felt like hiding. I got a memory flashback of a scared little girl being lashed out at by adults (parents/teachers) and feeling afraid debating if I should verbally lash back or run and hide. I felt mixed feelings, conflicted wondering if I should stand my ground and defend someone with a weaker voice.

    ((((((((((((((((((((((((me)))))))))))))))))))))))))))



  116.  #116Femininewoman on August 12, 2012 at 7:47 pm

    Re 114 – I feel like I am holding in my vagina



  117.  #117Butterfly wings on August 12, 2012 at 7:49 pm

    If I feel happy, positive and excited about my future, even though the circumstances might not suit another, does it make me “wrong”? Should I not be feeling so happy under the circumstances?

    I feel like somebody is trying to burst my bubble.

    Daria, there are many, many times when I read of your experiences where I do judge you (sorry) because there is NO way I would get into a certain situation or date a certain type of guy.

    But this is YOUR journey and what you feel good about is VERY different to what I woukd feel good about. So I refrain from saying anything because we are different. With different standards of men that we prefer.

    it doesn’t make me right and you wrong – its just different.

    And I feel GOOD. So why do you keep implying I’m in a not feel good relationship?? I’d rather be single too, if things weren’t feeling good. But they ARE feeling good so I continue to take one day at a time.



  118.  #118Daria on August 12, 2012 at 7:50 pm

    Butterfly wings – thanks for apologizing

    I would feel humiliated in a small part of me if my relationship partner updated their own relationship status to single

    Especially if we had lots of friends in common

    Knowing me I would numb that our though and pretend and even to myself that it meant nothing

    And I would def see him and be open to him and hope he’d change his mind too, so all this applies to me… I might even call him actually, asking him to come be there for me… I really want better boundaries,

    But I’m afraid of loneliness and boredom

    ((((Daria))))

    (((BW)))

    My Tummy feels calmer



  119.  #119Butterfly wings on August 12, 2012 at 7:51 pm

    What really matters is how I feel in my relationship. NOT how YOU feel about my relationship.

    I know I’d feel bad dating some of the CDs you like – purely because of our different tastes. So who am I to tell you that you’re in a not feel good dating situation when you’re clearly happy about it?

    I hope I’m making sense…?



  120.  #120Butterfly wings on August 12, 2012 at 7:52 pm

    Daria, again I changed the relationship status. NOT him!!!!!



  121.  #121Daria on August 12, 2012 at 7:55 pm

    Butterfly wings – I don’t want to refrain from expressing how I feel when witnessing other peoples interactions anymore

    It’s a skill I’m practicing to help with healing my family dynamics and my life

    In this case, I’m doing ‘ I would feel …’. Etc as a feminine voice

    I also tried a more provocative question asking method that I’ve seen FW use ( not saying like me, just that I noticed a q asking format of inviting introspection )

    I’m taking babysteps so that I can learn to express muself in this situation that has been a source of stuffed feelings for me in the past



  122.  #122Tereana on August 12, 2012 at 7:57 pm

    Ok, fine, I was probably just making up an excuse for myself. I get it. As long as I am reaching forward, calling, making the first move of any kind, I am “leaning forward.” even if it’s with my heart. And it doesn’t make me feel stronger for him at all. If anything, I feel less. But the ball is in his court. He can do what he wants.

    I’ve been working today, and texting w/ 2 other guys. A girlfriend might drop by tonight.

    I am taking care of me. If he likes me, he likes me. I already know that he does.

    The question is, can he do relationship, and if so, does it serve me? If I go chasing after it, I’ll never really get a chance to receive the answers.

    And I also kind of know myself – I only really go chasing after stuff if I already know it’s not really right for me. I guess it feels “safe” somehow, like I already don’t really want it, so it’s less of a big deal if it doesn’t work out. Except it still hurts. Lol

    Oh well. I trust that everything is working out just fine and all in my best interests in the end. Ahhhhh, that feels good to think about : )



  123.  #123Butterfly wings on August 12, 2012 at 7:59 pm

    That’s all well and good Daria but please be careful of how you imply how others are feeling – I feel like I’m being told that I MUST feel a certain way. I don’t like that at all.

    I feel how I feel. And FW is good at expressing her perceptions without “forcing” them on others – she often prompts me to see things a little differently without forcing her views on me.

    I hope that helps?



  124.  #124Radlove on August 12, 2012 at 10:44 pm

    DS,

    62 – No, I don’t mind at all, but thank you for being sensitive about comparing your relationship with mine. I have decided to let go of all pride so I can just get the “cancer”, if you will, cut out of me.

    But wow, tonight went FANTASTIC with R! He was a total sweetheart! And tonight reminded me that this is NOT strictly a toxic relationship. There are some very high qualities I love and admire in R. More later.



  125.  #125Radlove on August 12, 2012 at 11:05 pm

    From the other thread, https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/are-you-his-inquisitor-making-him-feel-safe-and-loved-is-all-about-you/comment-page-11/#comment-236600

    Daria –

    481 – Ok, I feel more clear now. Well, since you are so gifted in helping people with their relationships, maybe you could gently, gradually replace that NV that says it is none of your business and say to yourself, “I am helping this person, and I have deep wisdom to help her grow really fast.”

    I feel a lil embarrassed to say this, but I feel secretly excited when you turn your attention on me, on my issue with a man. Because I feel seriously buoyed up, like you help me elevate my feelings to a new level, and I get sudden clarity on the dynamics of a situation. So I welcome you to get in “my business” anytime. πŸ™‚



  126.  #126Radlove on August 12, 2012 at 11:09 pm

    Daria,

    When I was on the go on my smart phone today, I saw a post from you from Friday that I missed earlier. Can’t find it right now and it’s after 2 am here, so I don’t feel like continuing to search.

    It was about scripting, and just wanted to touch base with you…I will get together a few scenarios that challenge me for when we talk on Skype (or here). I reaally appreciate it!



  127.  #127Radlove on August 12, 2012 at 11:40 pm

    I had an interesting evening with R, and it went from really really bad to really really good!

    I was fighting within myself again because I miss R SO much. I lost the battle today, and I WAY leaned forward:

    1:30 pm B: Hi Sir Loin (one of the nicknames we call each other)

    Well, I was in his town and I up and called him, leaving a voicemail to please call me back.

    No response

    3:50 pm R: What’s up, Sir Loin?

    B: Hi, how are you?

    R: Alright. What’s up?

    B: Nothin (I had thought better of my “slip” by now, and I was going to not tell him I was wanting to be with him).

    R: Oh

    B: Miss you

    R: Thanks

    B: ! πŸ™‚ !

    R: ?

    B: ((( πŸ™‚ )))

    R: ?

    B: πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

    R: Why r u acting so happy? What happened?

    B: Not acting happy. Acting silly. Nothin happened.

    R: Cool

    R: Hey, I have to do some prayers right now. (His way of combating schizophrenia)

    B: Ok

    (a half hour later at 4:35 pm)

    B: I was hoping to spend some time with you. (I caved)

    5:03 pm B: Hello?

    R: Hey

    B: You don’t want to?

    R: What do you want to do?

    B: Bar? Later? With my Mom now. (I was also driving, so kept it brief with no FM)

    R: Oh, I guess ur not going to church tonight?

    B: I don’t go there anymore so you don’t feel pressure.

    R: Why don’t you go there anymore? I think u NEED it.

    B: I do need it, but I don’t want you to feel pressure by my being there, and I don’t want to feel rejected by being avoided. I told you that.

    (10 min later at 5:30 pm, after I put my phone out of reach to charge while eating dinner with my Mom)

    R: Y would I avoid u?

    R: C what I mean?

    R: That’s all I’m saying…

    7:08 pm B: Hey, my phone was charging. Look, it would feel easier to just talk about that face to face. I should have just waited. What do you think?

    8:12 pm B: πŸ™ Hello?

    8:25 pm B: Well, now I feel embarrassed like a dXmn fool for asking to get together with you. I miss you so much I can’t stand it. Many times over I wish I was dea/d. It would be easier than all this. I would feel better if I would just hear no thanks if you don’t want to go.

    8:29 pm B: Rather than sitting here wondering and feeling confused.

    8:31 pm B: And feeling lower than whale poop because I knew better than to ask you in the first place.

    A few minutes later, R called, much to my relief. I was almost in tears much of that time. He said softly, “Hey, I was in church with my phone turned off. Yeah, I just got your texts.”

    B: “Oh”

    R: “So, do you still want to get together.”

    B: (feeling mucho sheepish!) I’d love to, LOL!

    WE HAD A WONDERFUL DATE!

    I have rarely leaned forward as much as I did to get this date, but wow, did it ever turn out good! First we went to our favorite bar and had a few drinks. R’s M.O. is that if he is feeling good and having a good time, he will continue the date. He suggested we go to the old diner we used to hang out in almost every night in 2009! That felt fantastic, because that place holds some very good memories!

    He smiled at me repeatedly, looked me directly in the eye, which I noticed he only does when he is feeling positive toward me, and trying to connect. The stuff we talked about was all upbeat and happy.

    We play this childish game with twisting up straws. I take the ends, pinch them together, and roll the straw over and over on itself until it forms a pressurized pocket of air in the center. Then he pops it by snapping it with his finger.

    This straw was weak and narrow and thin, and it just broke and no pop noise! So I stated that, “This one is too narrow and thin. It needs to be thick and strong.” I busted out laughing, saying softly, “that sounds like I was describing something else!”

    He smiled, so I carried it further. I whispered scandalously, “I am a connoisseur of fine penises! I have arrived upon the perfect penis! Would you like to hear a description?”

    “Yeah.”

    “I bet you could describe it better than me!” I busted out laughing again!

    He put his head down, embarrassed at my unmistakeable implication.

    I got even bolder, saying, “With your head down like that, now you’re looking at it!”

    We were both laughing, and his eyes were smiling, too. I was drinking in the handsome sight of him, my favorite human being in the world!

    The rest of our time at the diner was warm and happy, and I felt happily surprised when we left and he said, “Do you want to go back to the bar?” Then he suggested going to a park so we didn’t spend more money, since both of us have tight money.

    I took him to a park I used to go to last summer when I stayed at someone’s house. It is a nice one mile trail that leads by a river. It felt romantic and beautiful with fields, the river, and starlight.

    He stopped at one point to go to the bathroom. Even tho I felt tempted to tease him and tempted to peek, I respectfully turned my back. We had rich conversation as we walked, and it felt so nice, because I don’t remember taking a walk together since 2009. Once again, it brought back good memories with him!

    I felt even more surprised when, after our walk, he wanted to return to the bar! We had one more drink (or more accurately, HE did, because I was driving. So I just had two shots, earlier). It ended at 12:30 am, and he explained that the only reason he didn’t go home with me overnight is he had a doctor appointment in the morning.

    After I got home, he called me and chatted for a few minutes.

    It went from disaster to excitement, and I feel so happy! I am going to try to not put myself in that embarrassed, yucky feeling again by initiating. But right now I just want to say he was a total sweetheart tonight! I feel so bonded to him!



  128.  #128MissStix on August 13, 2012 at 12:02 am

    Can’t sleep right now. Feel so hot and restless like little bugs crawling on my skin…Turning over and over. Ugh.

    I already got up, wrote journal entry, went back to bed, got up, went back to bed. Now I sit smoking, sucking down some heavenly peppermint tea. I guess I just haven’t unwound.

    My thoughts are raging today…All up in my head. Thinking a lot about how I personally apply rori’s tools. I remember now her response to my very first post “You know what you have to do. Spend time in your own space with your own things and invite him to come to you.”

    I felt validated. I had already made that promise to myself and she intuitively validated exactly what was right for me in that moment.

    I don’t always do everything by the book. But I feel strongly if I do it right for ME at any given time I can’t go wrong. I’m not a harmful person so I would never hurt anyone…So I am confident that I can focus on what feels right to me and provide caring for those I love at the same time.

    My eyes burn because I know my marriage would have looked a lot different had I known all this back then.

    No regrets. I know deep down I didn’t want to make it work. Woah…Revelations! He was my first love and I will always have love for him. But he was not the right man for me. I muffled wailing bells in my head with excuses and convincing myself everyone gets cold feet. I thought I didn’t deserve better.

    It feels very freeing to release those thoughts. Feels like decompression.

    Feels like I could actually get married again…

    That feels tingly and exciting but tense and sickening. No…Not ready to go there. Baby steps baby steps baby steps baby steps.

    Remember when G told you he would marry the right girl at the right time? The thought that you might be the right girl damn near made you barf. Feels sick and wrong. Feels like a heavy lead ball in the pit of your stomach. Sign a paper. Means nothing. Love. Love means everything. Weddings and stress and expectations.

    But it’s not like that! You both knew it wasn’t right. That’s why it didn’t work.

    Push push push! It feels like a giant slab of concrete blocking my progress.

    So pick it down pebble by pebble.

    That….I can handle.



  129.  #129MissStix on August 13, 2012 at 12:12 am

    I feel very womanly. So hot I was sleeping in only undies so I wrapped myself up in a hand dyed tahitian pareo and i’m sitting outside taking in the night.

    Feels tranquil to sit here even with thoughts raging.



  130.  #130MissStix on August 13, 2012 at 12:14 am

    Hi radlove πŸ™‚

    Glad your evening ended on a happy note πŸ™‚



  131.  #131Dancing Siren on August 13, 2012 at 1:07 am

    BW,

    I say good luck and if it feels ok then fine.

    Maybe I would feel careful to just be aware that I was not already assumung TH was my Mr Right, so that I can truly stay open to other men.

    This applies to my situation too.

    And can be a little tricky.

    xoxox



  132.  #132Dancing Siren on August 13, 2012 at 1:12 am

    FW

    GREAT FMs on the blog!

    xoxox



  133.  #133Butterfly Wings on August 13, 2012 at 1:19 am

    128 MissStix – “I don’t always do everything by the book. But I feel strongly if I do it right for ME at any given time I can’t go wrong… ”

    That is EXACTLY how I feel.

    xx



  134.  #134Dancing Siren on August 13, 2012 at 1:26 am

    Thanks for all the great breakfast suggestions ladies!

    I am currently tucking into

    Scrambled fresh farm eggs, made my special way, with leaves cooked in them too and chopped peppers and beetroot on the side and a ryvita.

    Yuuummmm.



  135.  #135Butterfly Wings on August 13, 2012 at 1:26 am

    131 DS – Yep I agree.

    TH may NOT be my Mr Right, so for now I’m just taking one day at a time, and continuing to do what feels good.

    If I meet somebody else who I am attracted to, then maybe everything will change. I’m open to that, although not actively “looking”. I also have several men contacting me wanting to catch up, which I am also open to and on Saturday night I spent quite some time engaged in conversation with several men – we had soooo much fun!

    So I’m not sitting at home pining over TH – I’m living my life and leaning back letting him initiate contact with me – I’m not initiating at all.

    When he DOES contact me, I am warm and inviting as Rori suggests we should be, and I’m using FM’s as much as possible.

    I’m feeling really happy now, which is a far cry from where I was a few weeks ago, so I’m happy to keep going as I am for now. πŸ™‚



  136.  #136Butterfly Wings on August 13, 2012 at 1:37 am

    Sounds yummy Dancing Siren! πŸ™‚



  137.  #137Dancing Siren on August 13, 2012 at 1:43 am

    Right,

    Time to get on with my day

    πŸ™‚



  138.  #138Rebecca on August 13, 2012 at 2:01 am

    Morning sirens

    This dialogue between Butterfly Wings and Daria is really eye opening to me. It is helping me heal…

    Thank you Butterfly wings

    Thank you Daria

    Aaahhhhh…. My eyes are opening…. (((((me)))))



  139.  #139Butterfly Wings on August 13, 2012 at 2:11 am

    Aaaahhh! I feel so relaxed. I’m sitting in bed with the doggies while I reply to emails and play with some photos that were taken on Saturday night.

    My daughter isn’t home yet (she’s out with her father), so it’s very peaceful here right now… πŸ™‚



  140.  #140Rebecca on August 13, 2012 at 2:29 am

    BW

    Your comments sound so strong and powerful to me. I’m loving your confidence to speak up and speak your truth. Your energy feels aww powerful… Awwww I hope some of it rubs off on me….. I love how you don’t mind going against the grain to say how you feel, wow, that must be so difficult…

    I feel like running away and hiding now that I may be judged… I don’t feel like roaring like a lion… Meow



  141.  #141Butterfly Wings on August 13, 2012 at 2:35 am

    140 Rebecca – Awww it feels good to read that, so thank you for saying what you did. πŸ™‚

    I HATE confrontation, but I will speak up if it’s something I feel very strongly about. In this case, I was feeling defensive and as though my actual situation was being portrayed as something it wasn’t, so I knew I had to speak out and say something.

    xxx



  142.  #142Rebecca on August 13, 2012 at 2:39 am

    Radlove

    Do you think R is feeling guilty that you are not going to church because of him? I am sensing that. What do you think?



  143.  #143Butterfly Wings on August 13, 2012 at 2:48 am

    TH just went for a run and texted me the screenshot from his phone to show me how far he had run (and where) and to tell me he was in serious pain!

    Now he wants me to join him at gym. I said no. And I feel good about saying no. And he’s fine – he just wanted me there with him. Of course. Because I’m amazing! πŸ˜‰



  144.  #144Francesca on August 13, 2012 at 2:50 am

    It would be nice if we would just let BW deal with her own life right now.

    I think she’s old enough to know what she should do and I also think that she’s the one who knows TH best to actually make the right decisions about her relationship with him.



  145.  #145Rebecca on August 13, 2012 at 2:54 am

    BW

    Yes, I am glad you did speak up! It feels very powerful to read. It’s definately a learning experience.

    I had a similar interaction with a friend years ago, or that’s how it feels to me on the outside looking in. And for years, even now, it has deeply affected me.

    I really salute you! I love your style… I see where you are coming from… It is definately helping me to feel stronger and that I am not “looking up” to everyone who can “do” relationships “better” than me… I always felt like I was such a failure… Friends let me think that I was a failure too.. And actively encouraged it by telling me how badly I had been treated, how awful these men were that I was chasing after, and that I needed to do this, this and this in order for him to like me, and if he didn’t do this, this and this then he definately didn’t like me and “Rebecca KEEP AWAY”… yikes, they sounded so scary when they spoke to me like that… I felt very patronised and sad…. Frowny face sad… Hurt and stabbed in my heart so sad…. Sad clown… That didn’t look like love and friendship to me. Friends dig deeper… Friends respect YOUR opinion… Friends ask questions… Friends don’t tell you how to feel or what you should do… Ahhh maybe I am projecting my own sadness and grief onto this blog…



  146.  #146Butterfly Wings on August 13, 2012 at 2:54 am

    Thanks Francesca. Like Rori says, do what feels good. I KNOW I feel good, so I will keep doing it. There’s no rule that says we MUST follow EVERY single thing she teaches. She gives us the tools and we choose when to use them.

    Sometimes it’s not appropriate to use the tools. Other times it is. And it’s also sometimes ok to lean forward (remember the reference to rockstar?), so if you do “break the rules” with no expectations, then it’s not necessarily a bad thing.

    It’s when we attach expectations to what we say and do that we end up disappointed….

    xxx



  147.  #147Francesca on August 13, 2012 at 3:03 am

    BW, I think that as long as you feel good, it’s all good! πŸ™‚



  148.  #148Butterfly Wings on August 13, 2012 at 3:07 am

    Rebecca, what you will find over time is that you can probably take little bits from every one of us, because some little thing we do or say resonates with you.

    But the bottom line is this: If it doesn’t feel good, then something needs to change. But only YOU can decide if you feel good or not.

    Dealing with depression has helped me to become VERY aware of my feelings and to reframe negative feelings as much as possible, while still remaining true to myself.

    πŸ™‚



  149.  #149Butterfly Wings on August 13, 2012 at 3:09 am

    147 Francesca -Thank you for understanding. That’s how I want to live – by doing what feels good. And right now, I DO feel good! πŸ™‚ xxx



  150.  #150Rebecca on August 13, 2012 at 3:10 am

    Hmmm… Its bad enough when a man rejects you.. It’s made so much worse when friends say “Well, you need to forget about him and move on”. Hey! Thanks for stating the blooming obvious “friends”. I’ll remember to give you that kind of insightful information when you are in a pickle…. Hmmm….

    I wonder if this is why I struggle so much wirh female friends… Maybe I expect too much from them. It is not their job to FIX my relationship issues…



  151.  #151Smile on August 13, 2012 at 3:10 am

    Good morning sirens,

    I’m starting the day feeling relaxed. I’m feeling slow, free and easy.

    After being away for a few days at the wedding I felt elated but exhausted.

    I’m thankful for such honest caring and genuine friends

    I’m thankful my friend has found such love in her childhood sweetheart. He really compassionately cares for her heart and I could feel this radiating out of them all day.

    It made me feel at peace with myself not to settle for anyone who doesn’t care for my heart in this way too. I’m hopeful he is out there looking for me too.

    My friend and her new husband showed great gratitude towards me and all I had done for them as bridesmaid. I felt appreciated.

    Now I can take some me time. Some alone time. I want to reflect.



  152.  #152Rebecca on August 13, 2012 at 3:14 am

    BW

    I already do what feels good, but I rarely argue my point, I just meekly walk aware because I am too scared to stand up for myself…

    I lack so much confidence in relationships that if I do get it wrong I am scared of “friends” saying “told you so!!”… Then I would just feel evrn more stupid.



  153.  #153Butterfly Wings on August 13, 2012 at 3:21 am

    What are you afraid of Rebecca? Why are you scared to stand up for yourself?

    Does it really matter what they think?

    I always choose my battles – even with my kids. If it’s worth fighting, I’ll say something. If not, I’ll walk away.

    Sometimes walking away IS the best option, although sometimes there are times when you should speak up for yourself too.
    xxx



  154.  #154Rebecca on August 13, 2012 at 3:59 am

    BW

    I am afraid of other people trying to “control me” with their opinions on how I should think and feel and speak and do etc…

    A lot of my female friends seem to not show me a huge amount of compassion ~ i am now wondering why? And what I can do to rectify this…? What is going on with me? I don’t know….



  155.  #155Vi on August 13, 2012 at 4:13 am

    I feel sad. I feel bad. My husband broke his word. I feel neglected. I feel uncomfortable. And I feel angry at my boundaries!!!! love to me love to me love to me love to me love to me love to me … I feel shut down. I feel tight in my shoulders. I feel guilty for sticking to my boundaries … I feel angry I question them!!!! … He suggested a ‘tradeoff’ for what already felt like a ‘tradeoff’ and i feel pissed. i feel betrayed. i don’t want to betray myself anymore … i want to choose ‘me’ … but what part of me? what do i want? do i want to leave? (and divorce, and pay rent, and find 2nd job, and get out and have a new life) or maybe i could feel satisfied with a ‘bribe’? along with his tradeoff ‘suggestion’ …. i don’t know i feel teary .. i don’t know which part of me to honor ….. i feel a little giggly at the thought that in both cases i choose myself anyway …. just different parts … the thought feels relaxing … sigh . i choose to see if i still feel ewww towards him tomorrow. thank you and good night.



  156.  #156Francesca on August 13, 2012 at 5:08 am

    Daria @38

    I feel triggered.

    I feel like you want to boss people around.

    I feel like you’re using the word “feel” so much that it doesn’t even mean anything anymore.

    I feel like you are trying to make us feel bad for not using the word “feel” as much as you do and making us feel bad yet again by acting like a victim.

    I don’t know about the other sirens, but I hate when people want to control everything I say.



  157.  #157Butterfly Wings on August 13, 2012 at 5:18 am

    154 Rebecca – Ok well the first thing to consider is that these friends are most likely coming from a positive place, and do mean well, even if they’re not helping you at all.

    Some people are better at it than others, and I hate being told what to do and how I should feel etc (as you probably witnessed today), and I feel really defensive when somebody tries these things with me, so I get where you’re coming from.

    And could it be your own filters are altering your perception, which is why you’re seeing them as lacking in compassion? I am only asking this because of my experience lately where I was turning EVERYTHING into a negative in my mind. This was due to the depression, but I wasn’t even aware I was doing it.

    What do you think?



  158.  #158Smile on August 13, 2012 at 5:24 am

    I used the word ‘feel’ today and it didn’t feel genuine πŸ™ I would have said it would be nice to see you and instead I said, it would feel good to see you. This doesn’t sound like me when I speak.

    Is saying it would be nice to see you masculine energy?



  159.  #159Rebecca on August 13, 2012 at 5:25 am

    Radlove

    Seeing your conversations with R really trigger me, and they trigger me because I realise I am the same. And I am judging you because I am judging myself and it feels very painful to me…



  160.  #160Rebecca on August 13, 2012 at 5:36 am

    BW

    I don’t know, this is my problem. I do give people the doubt though ~ and I have to ask myself why I need their ADVICE so much anyway.

    I suppose what hurts me is that I feel in lots of my female friendships there is an unequal balance. I feel like I am treated like a sounding board. Female friends pour there hearts out to me, like that is all I am there for. This happens almost with every female friend I have. Then when I go to them for advice about some problem with a bloke they can’t be seen for dust. Also they tend to make condescending remarks to me like “Well, I would say he’s not really that into you”, and then change the subject and move on. I evrn had one friend sit me down and explain to me that the men I was going for were out of my league and that I was pretty stupid not to see it, and thrn she started laughing. Hmm, that upset me..

    I have to say, in general I am very, very nervous to share my “feelings” with women because I have encountered so much negativity. And this has probably made me as I am today..

    Gosh, I feel sooo vulnerable sharing all this…



  161.  #161Butterfly Wings on August 13, 2012 at 5:46 am

    Yeah it’s a scary feeling to reveal your innermost thoughts on here, but it’s also very healing too – and sometimes confronting!

    Ok, so you could reframe some of this. The fact that they feel safe enough with you to pour their hearts out to you could actually be a good thing. They trust you with what they’re saying. I know I would NEVER pour my heart out to somebody I didn’t trust.

    What do you think?

    And unfortunately, some people really suck when it comes to offering support as these girls seem to, based on your example. And yep some people come across as plain mean. I know people like that, and I personally try to distance myself from them.

    Do you think you’re making the same “mistakes” over and over again? In other words, could they be seeing you repeating the same patterns?

    Just some thoughts, as I don’t know your full situation. Really just trying to get you thinking about what may be triggering their behaviour towards you, and helping you to become aware of your actions.

    I say this based on your comment to Radlove, because you said you see yourself in her and bless her, but we’ve seen her do the same thing over and over again in the past, with the same negative results.

    (I hope you don’t mind me using you as an example Radlove – you know I love you and want you to be happy!!! xxx).



  162.  #162Wildflower on August 13, 2012 at 5:52 am

    I’m writing a quick update. Trying to keep myself accountable by writing on the blog. When I say accountable I mean in holding myself accountable for doing things for me and put the focus on ME. I was able to do most of the things on my previous list (yeah me!). I even looked in to getting my spin certification. So here is my new/evolving list that is for between now and Wednesday:

    1. follow up with realtor
    2. go to see physical therapist tomorrow morning and schedule more appts while I’m there
    3. schedule doc appts
    4. follow up on spin cert
    5. follow up on teaching ESL
    6. clean my floor
    7. purchase more green tea, nice shampoo
    8. go to yoga and spin class
    9. look in to pole dancing classes



  163.  #163LiliBee on August 13, 2012 at 6:04 am

    Well, D’s sister called me as I was on this blog Saturday.
    She gave me directions to get to the party.

    I got there early and had an hour to play cards with D’s mom while we waited for the golfers to come after the tournament.

    He had a p’d at me vibe when he got there.
    He had a cold wall up.
    I don’t blame him.
    He does everything he can to include me in his fun, and I always manage to pull away.

    Silly me, I had to say “you didn’t call.”
    Being afraid of my wrath, he lied about trying to call me but no answer.
    Later on, his sister said she told him she gave me directions and I was on my way, so he didn’t need to call me.
    That’s how I always create this silly girl pattern.

    I manipulate to have him show me he really wants me there.
    I put him in a position of having to convince me or beg me to go.
    He doesn’t coz he interprets it as me not being interested in spending fun time with him.
    He expects me to show him I’m interested in him.

    Silly silly silly children we are.
    I feel so immature.
    I love me for being so alert and seeing this game I play.
    I love the adult me for nurturing my silly little girl and teaching her with love and compassion.



  164.  #164Butterfly Wings on August 13, 2012 at 6:08 am

    I’m loving your self awareness, LiliBee! xxx



  165.  #165LiliBee on August 13, 2012 at 6:10 am

    He asked me what time I got there, and said “you must have been bored waiting all that time”.

    I happily replied “I got to play cards with your mom, then when the hosts got here, I jumped in to help get the food ready. We worked wonderfully as a team, it felt so good to be part of a team.”

    He said “you did that?!”

    Me: “yeah, and I had fun doing it πŸ™‚ “



  166.  #166Femininewoman on August 13, 2012 at 6:12 am

    Lilibee can I make one suggestive tweak?

    β€œyeah, and I had fun doing it”

    I would try saying “yeah, it felt playful and fun”.



  167.  #167Calypso on August 13, 2012 at 6:15 am

    Good morning, Sirens!

    I redecorated my bedroom this weekend and put up a sign that reads, “It is never too late to live happily ever after” . . . I went boating with some friends yesterday and felt so calm and happy in the moment. I texted GM and we talked back and forth for a while.

    I ended up meeting him for drinks and to listen to a friend of ours who is the lead singer in a band. We met in a bar that another friend owns – I knew almost everyone in there – from being there with GM in the past – It felt like coming home for me.

    We went back to his place and made each other feel great πŸ˜‰ Wow! Then, i snuggled up next to him and feel asleep – it was wonderful.

    I woke up at 4:00 and started fumbling around for my clothes in the dark – he woke up to the sound of me giggling. He growled, “What are you doing?” I replied, laughing quitely, “I can’t find my pants!” Lol.

    He got up and turned on the light and I finished getting dressed – he said, “You are worse than a dude, creeping out in the middle of the night!” I laughed, kissed him and said, “I’m the perfect woman!”

    I know this changed nothing – we are not a couple and I am not fooling myself – it was just wonderful to be with him – we laughed sooooo much!

    I love the man – I can’t help it.



  168.  #168Femininewoman on August 13, 2012 at 6:16 am

    Smile what I am going for is speaking the language of the heart. So sometimes though it does not feel natural I do use the word feel and I get to catch myself when I am judging myself around using it. The word feel is almost a mental reminder for me to remain soft and feminine so I can drop my defenses.



  169.  #169Femininewoman on August 13, 2012 at 6:20 am

    Simle – I’m feeling slow, free and easy. My mind now translates this a feeling sensual and relaxed.



  170.  #170Rebecca on August 13, 2012 at 6:21 am

    BW

    If that is the case that they see me making the same “mistake” over and over then I wish they would tell me what it is! They never do, they just change the subject and move on, which actually doesn’t bother me. What annoys me is they wouldn’t like it if I gave them a short, sharpe response to their problems.

    Yes, I do try to distance from these people. I think that is why I have a problem with women being ‘receivers’. A lot of my friends are like this with me. They happily take my advice but do not give me any. And act all coy, and, “sorry, I didn’t realise you needed any help with that tehehehe”.

    I dunno ~ I do wonder what is going on with me, as I know it can’t be all one sided… And I can’t see the wood for the trees.

    My friends aren’t bad people at all, and generally Iike spending time with them. It only happens I guess if I want to off load my problems onto them, then they suddenly are really, really busy.

    I think with friendships its best to keep things light, and I try to deal with problems myself. I just get triggered when they have the cheek to dump all their stuff on me, without even batting their eyelids… So yes, at these points I have learnt to walk away…

    I’ve ALWAYS has problems talking about men to most of my friends. I have had one or two friends who I’ve felt confortable with.

    My friends aren’t bad people, I just know not to go there with certain conversations..



  171.  #171Wildflower on August 13, 2012 at 6:23 am

    I’m wondering how you know when you have to say NO and then follow through by not answering phone calls/emails/texts etc. (until he goes away basically) versus when you can be an “open door” and be soft, and warm, and open in case the man decides to step up to the plate?



  172.  #172Femininewoman on August 13, 2012 at 6:25 am

    “Sometimes it’s not appropriate to use the tools.”

    I have seen advice in Rori’s eNewsLetters to use the tools 24/7 to change your vibe and your results out in the world. Especially tools like Being Present and The Waterwheel of Love. I have read where she says she uses these tools all the time.

    To each “her” own but for me I choose to use the tools all the especially the ones that raise my self esteem and my vibe.



  173.  #173Wildflower on August 13, 2012 at 6:28 am

    I feel so excited to no longer have school on the weekends. My friend invited me to a wine festival in France….and I can actually go!! I’ve been going to school on the weekends for the past three years and now I’m finally free. Of course there’s my NVs that are saying all of my friends are married or paired off so I’ll be alone a lot πŸ™ Bad NVs!!



  174.  #174Femininewoman on August 13, 2012 at 6:28 am

    Rebecca would you be open to hearing my thoughts about 170?



  175.  #175Smile on August 13, 2012 at 6:30 am

    Thank you feminine woman. I made a conscious effort to use the word feel and felt comfortable doing it. My discomfort came when I thought about the other person readin the text in which I used it. I felt they would not be use to me speaking in this way and so it felt almost a ‘fake’ way of speaking. I do not know that they would have felt this way, I’m just second guessing. But I suppose the more I use it the more familiar it will become to others.



  176.  #176Rebecca on August 13, 2012 at 6:31 am

    FW

    Yes! Absolutely! I always love and appreciate your comments..



  177.  #177LiliBee on August 13, 2012 at 6:34 am

    I got my spontaneous funloving girl out when D’s cousin asked me to go in the pool with her after sunset.

    I said Yes with no hesitation for once, to see what that would feel like.

    I went up to D in the yard close to the pool.
    He was talking to this woman alone.
    He had been talking to her for most of the evening.
    Seeing he was alone with her next to the crowd, this was the 2nd time I went over to see what was going on.
    The 1st time I simply joined in the convo.

    The 2nd time, instead of getting p’d, I went to him and asked him if he would join me in the pool.
    I made it a point to call him ‘my bf’, like “hey bf, join me for a swim? πŸ™‚ ”
    He looked at me from head to toe with big surprised eyes, to see me in my swimsuit after sunset (without being tipsy).
    The woman looked at me from head to toe with big eyes like she couldn’t believe my bod.
    I’ve been taking super good care of my body the last month and it shows.

    She stepped aside for the rest of the night.
    I felt so happy and proud of myself for having behaved like a siren.

    D and I played with the beachball in the pool with another couple and had interesting convo in the jaccuzzi.

    We spent a lovely quiet day at his house yesterday doing simple yardwork.
    That’s what I’ve always wanted, to be doing yardwork as a team.
    I made a point of telling him.
    I asked for his attention, then I said “I feel so happy. I love doing this stuff as a team. I’m really enjoying this.”
    He didn’t say anything, but I felt a ‘proud’ vibe radiating from his body.



  178.  #178Femininewoman on August 13, 2012 at 6:46 am

    To change patterns I try doing things differently so rather than distancing from these people I would try asking them directly how they feel about me or how would they describe how they experience me. Generally speaking I don’t think people like when others unload their problems because that can be very draining to the feminine. It is the masculine that feels powerful with fixing.

    My very best girlfriend right now is a woman I had a hard time getting along with in the past. I have come to accept that it was because we were both mostly masculine energy. I now believe that any relationship need both masculine and feminine energy to really flourish. As such now I use mostly feminine energy with her and I see where it has encouraged her to use feminine energy as well though most of the times she is advising, suggesting, fixing etc. The bottom line is now that I am more conscious we get along better. When I am using masculine energy and she starts squirming I switch back.

    About talking to girlfriends about men, I have seen several coaches, including Rori discourage it. People like to feel good about themselves. Dr. Dobransky talks about love as sharing self-esteem. If they feel good about themselves when they are around you they will want more so sharing a problem here and there for the most part would likely not put them off. What I find with my friend is that it sometimes turns into sessions where we share our battle scars as if we are trying to one up each other. Nowadays when I notice this I choose to stop.



  179.  #179Iamabutterfly on August 13, 2012 at 6:48 am

    I feel peaceful and happy. What a relief! Feels so good. πŸ™‚

    I saw this guy for the first time since the beginning of the summer at my friend’s house, and we caught up.

    I feel so good with him. Our interactions feel light-hearted, flirtatious, and fun. They don’t feel nervous, overly-sexual, suspicious, or fearful. It’s been so long since I’ve felt so light and no pressure!

    Light and easy feels great!



  180.  #180Butterfly Wings on August 13, 2012 at 6:49 am

    170 Rebecca – Maybe your friends just aren’t good at that sort of thing. It doesn’t make them bad – it just makes them not good for offloading this kind of information on to.

    That’s why here is so great – you can bounce your thoughts off everyone here.

    We’re all in a similar boat, and we’re all learning and can offer you the details of their experiences so you can learn from them too.

    xxx



  181.  #181Femininewoman on August 13, 2012 at 6:51 am

    Sile my 14 year old son told me kind of scornfully “you are so fake” when I started using it even with him. Now he just softens up most of the time and comes over to hug me. Just believe that as you change and heal, people around you will too.



  182.  #182Butterfly Wings on August 13, 2012 at 6:51 am

    Woohoo! Go LiliBee! Sounds like you’re putting your newly learned information into practise! Love your work! xxx



  183.  #183Smile on August 13, 2012 at 6:53 am

    Feminiwoman, that feels reassuring to hear πŸ™‚



  184.  #184Femininewoman on August 13, 2012 at 6:56 am

    LiliBee I absolutely enjoyed reading your update



  185.  #185Butterfly Wings on August 13, 2012 at 6:57 am

    I always struggle with the word “feel”. I’m ok with “I feel cold” or “I feel good” or “I feel happy” etc, but not with “that would feel great if …..”….

    I suppose it’s just practise… πŸ™‚



  186.  #186Butterfly Wings on August 13, 2012 at 7:04 am

    TH was cute tonight. He kept sending me photos of the screen on the treadmill when he was at the gym, after I turned him down to join him there.

    He is a LOT more attentive these days… I’m loving it!

    And when he got home he emailed me too. I can’t remember him reaching out to me so much before. It feels good to know he’s thinking of me… (There! I used “feel”!) πŸ™‚



  187.  #187Femininewoman on August 13, 2012 at 7:13 am

    These words take on a new meaning for me today

    “This is the “secret psychology” I mention in the subject line of this email.
    What He’s REALLY Looking For (It’s Not What You Think)
    What makes a man fall in love? Do you know?

    What is that special something that makes a man want to know everything about you, makes him want to tell you how he feels over and over? What makes a man want to listen to what you have to say… even crave knowing how you feel or what your inner world is like?

    If you want to find out right now, go to this link and read about my Modern Siren online video program and learn in minutes what qualities in a woman a man absolutely craves and adores:

    Be His Siren

    I say it’s a secret because it’s little-understood by women (AND men). It’s rare either you or he will know exactly WHY he feels mesmerized by you and wants to get close to you and pursue you for something serious and long-lasting.

    Many of us are wrong about why a man falls in love.

    We think a man needs sex, or has to have a fabulously gorgeous woman with a great body. We think a man falls for us because we’re sweet to him, and kind, and giving. ESPECIALLY giving.

    So we do things for him:

    We cook lovely meals and offer deep, thoughtful advice on whatever troubles him. We light candles whenever he comes over. We put on our sexiest clothes and buy lacy lingerie.
    We become exclusive with him without even a passing thought to what WE want, or whether or not he has met our needs yet for a secure, loving and committed relationship.
    We give our bodies, our souls, our minds to him.
    And STILL he tells us that he’s not sure how he feels. Or he becomes distant and moody. Or he stops calling or asking us out as often as he used to.

    Or he does something very hurtful, or cheats on us, or tells us that he doesn’t believe you’re “meant” to be together.

    This happens because deep down, you didn’t trigger love in his HEART. You didn’t connect on the deepest, most intimate level… his feelings.”



  188.  #188Dancing Siren on August 13, 2012 at 7:17 am

    Hi Sirens,

    So S contacted me again today.

    Last night when we were speaking via text I decided to ask him whether I could send him something.

    It was something I had found a while ago, but wasn’t sending as he hadn’t been leaning forward to me and the siuation wasn’t right.

    It is basically success stories of people who have recovered from alcoholism and addiction.

    To me if felt quite positive/hopeful however S contacted me again today, and he said thanks for sending it, and he had been reading them and some of the stories just kill him… (with sadness)…

    I suppose some of them are quite heartbreaking in places, but all the people HAVE overcome alcoholism.

    He said he is having a bad day…

    He said he went to his AA meeting this morning but couldn’t face going in. So he just sat in the car for the whole time crying. He said he feels like he has let them down cus he missed a meeting last week.

    Anyway I feel a little bad now.

    I did not tell him what to do.

    I just listened and then asked him how I could support him. I said I cannot be a girlfriend to him right now but I feel ok to support him if he wants that.

    He said that it helps if he can just text me occasionally, and if he wants to ask me anything, if I can just tell him the truth.

    I said ok cus I feel ok with that.

    I am aware that, in offering my support I may well sabotage the chances that me and him could have a romantic future, and that feels really sad to me.

    However I feel unclear about this at the moment.

    I don’t see that currently he is in anyplace to be able to offer me something romantic anyway, and being there for a fellow human being kinda feels like where it is at right now, if I listen carefully to my heart.

    But I want to look after me, and my tender heart too…

    Umm, so feeling a little unsure of this situation.

    We did talk about him getting a sponsor at AA, and he said he would be interested in that. He had mentioned it before, and I asked him about it.

    I feel unsure now, about whether to just get myself to butt out of his recovery completely, like leave him to it.

    Sending him that thing seems to have backfired a bit, although maybe he is just in a place of great pain and sadness right now.

    Maybe that stuff needs to come out, and the best way I can support is just to sit with it while he goes through his stuff, without commenting, interfering or suggesting???

    This feels challenging to me right now.



  189.  #189Dancing Siren on August 13, 2012 at 7:21 am

    I do feel worried though.

    Cus I know Rori says if you like a man, don’t ‘help’ him, or be his counsellor, or be too nice and supportive.

    And I do like him… or at least I did.

    Romantically I mean.

    But I know that is not possible right now.

    Ok, so how do I do this?

    Just respond to his texts when he texts and listen??

    Answer in FMs and withdraw when I need to??

    I just feels almost impossible to me to hear about his awful lows and pain and not try to make him feel better…

    Good opportunity for me to practice maybe??

    I need to find my boundaries here.

    I need to find a way to care about him, and be there, without overfunctioning.

    Maybe you ladies will see it more clearly than I am….



  190.  #190LiliBee on August 13, 2012 at 7:24 am

    166:

    Thanks FW. I’ll use all the help I can get for FMs πŸ™‚

    I feel glad you enjoyed my story, re 184.



  191.  #191LiliBee on August 13, 2012 at 7:25 am

    BW,

    Thank You so much for your encouragement.
    It really makes me feel good and proud about the direction I’m going in.



  192.  #192Femininewoman on August 13, 2012 at 7:27 am

    Dancing he might be feeling like a loser and getting it out through crying and texting. I believe you can use one worders like “bummer or hhhhmmm” or just “that must feel awful” or “I just feel awful imagining you going through this”.



  193.  #193Dancing Siren on August 13, 2012 at 7:37 am

    FW

    Yes…

    That feels good.

    And is a MASSIVE challenge, cus, it hugely triggers all MY overfunctioning stuff…

    I mean he didn’t even ask for any massive support, I think he just wanted to make contact and then go…

    But then I start offering my support etc…

    And then realise I feel panicky and can’t do it!!!!

    Urgh.

    Ok.

    And BREATH.



  194.  #194Rebecca on August 13, 2012 at 7:40 am

    FW, BW,

    Thanks for your comments and advice. I will really reflect on this.

    I think it’s important for me to remember that everyone, in their own way, is trying his or her best. Even me!



  195.  #195Rebecca on August 13, 2012 at 7:45 am

    FW

    I love Rori’s piece that you posted.



  196.  #196Tam on August 13, 2012 at 8:58 am

    Wildflower – 171..I wonder the exact same. Did you get any answers?



  197.  #197MissStix on August 13, 2012 at 9:35 am

    smile

    I think if it doesn’t feel genuine to say I “feel” or “it would feel” then it must not be a genuine feeling? I can’t tell you what you should or shouldn’t do, but I see no masculinity in saying “it would be…” rather than “it would feel..”

    Femininity is not just in your words but in your energy, face, body and mind as well!



  198.  #198MissStix on August 13, 2012 at 9:39 am

    ((((rebecca)))) 160

    I feel jealousy like a whiplash in the words and actions of your friends. Not truely caring for you when they tell you what you could or should do, but rather sabotaging you with lack of love, compassion, and insight.



  199.  #199MissStix on August 13, 2012 at 9:41 am

    or what BW said next lol she nailed it down. Should have read that first…

    That’s why a group is so good…So many insights.



  200.  #200Tam on August 13, 2012 at 10:08 am

    I also believe the trick is not to blurt out the word feeeling like it’s a magic wand, really, until it becomes inauthentic. But rather using it as and when you feel something. Being authentic is much more important and if it can be said with a feeling message, great, but I don’t believe we are having to say every sentence that comes out of our mouths spiked with the word ‘feel’….because that then wouldn’t be authentic anymore either, would it?! Thoughts are not feelings and so on. Overdoing it with the intent on a result rather than on simply expressing, is also a form of manipulation.
    I don’t think we sould ‘criticise’ or ‘judge’ and keeping count of everyone’s feeling messages, as if to say ‘oh, you mentioned the word ‘feel’ only 5 times in 7 sentences…that’s silly. It is something I saw on the other thread and it feels icky, and like ‘oh look, I am right and you are wrong’ – it’s not the purpose of the blog, is it?!



  201.  #201Francesca on August 13, 2012 at 10:11 am

    “but I don’t believe we are having to say every sentence that comes out of our mouths spiked with the word β€˜feel’….because that then wouldn’t be authentic anymore either, would it?!”

    Exactly!

    Thanks, Tam!



  202.  #202Francesca on August 13, 2012 at 10:15 am

    Darn!

    Just posted something and used a different email address.

    Now my “other” comment is awaiting moderation.

    It’s probably going to appear in a few days and won’t even be relevant anymore.

    Oh, well, I don’t think anyone’s life will be altered because of it.



  203.  #203Francesca on August 13, 2012 at 10:16 am

    This thread is probably going to die pretty soon anyway…



  204.  #204MissStix on August 13, 2012 at 10:20 am

    yes tam!

    For me it is so important to separate thoughts from feelings. Very important!!!! It is less so, but also important for me to separate wants, needs, and desires from feelings.

    I think I talked about this before…I do this…

    I think ____ the thought makes me feel ____

    and

    I want ____ thinking about making that happen feels ___

    And so on.

    It feels very stressful to come at it like this…

    I feel a need for _____

    I feel like I want to do _____



  205.  #205Wildflower on August 13, 2012 at 10:32 am

    RE 196–Tam

    i haven’t heard back anything from the other ladies. I started wondering if maybe when you realize you are feeling a lot happier when he is not in your life (even if a part of you still misses him) then it’s time to really let go. I admit I struggle with ignoring people (unless I’m really not attracted to them physically). It’s more of a keep myself so incredibly busy I don’t have time to answer the phone thing. If it’s someone I feel chemistry with I always feel thrilled to hear his voice…even if I feel weary at the same time. Maybe things just have to run their course?? Or do we sometimes have to be “tough” on the outside with a select few so that we can feel truly open should a really good man come along?? Still haven’t figured this one out πŸ™‚



  206.  #206Tam on August 13, 2012 at 11:39 am

    Thank you Miss S and Francesca πŸ™‚

    Wildflower, I am with you and have been pondering those exact thoughts. Sometimes it is better to have clarity rather than to stay open for the ‘rollercoaster’. I am tired of the rollercoaster. I need more. So staying open might be counterproductive….not sure!



  207.  #207Radlove on August 13, 2012 at 11:56 am

    BW,

    161 – NP. We understand each other. πŸ˜‰



  208.  #208Radlove on August 13, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    Rebecca,

    142 – “Do you think R is feeling guilty that you are not going to church because of him? I am sensing that. What do you think?”

    Yes, most likely. I think I made my point, because it sure felt like I was being avoided after him NOT going to church all but one time that he asked me. So we didn’t discuss anything else relational when we got together last night. I sorta wanted to, but we were getting along fantastic, and I just let him lead.

    I hear you about my interaction with him triggering you. I find that my emotions are just so powerful that I can’t hold them inside, and in the past with texts like those, I wouldn’t have heard from him in a week.

    Dunno what to do with myself. I just am in love with him. Gonna go read the new article about man crack…on the new thread.



  209.  #209Radlove on August 13, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    Miss Styx,

    130 – Thank you!



  210.  #210Missy May on August 15, 2012 at 9:21 am

    Hi Ladies,

    There are so many story’s and heartbreaks to respond to. I’ve just let go of an imaginary relationship for over 3 years. I have to say in the past when I thought about it being done, it hurt like heck. Like what some of you are describing. Rori, is absolutely right though, force yourself to get out there and mingle. Even if you don’t feel you can. It does wonders for your self esteem. I met 3 men in one week. Even though my feelings were still caught up with someone else. In the last few weeks, I’ve noticed, life doesn’t have to be in that gray area of the unknown. You have a choice in your life, chose better my ladies! Just to live better for your inner siren! Gather yourselves up and get out there. The confidence will come back! Please believe!



  211.  #211lauren on August 21, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    i need help rori…ive been following u for about 2 yrs now…im n a great relationship….for a total of 4 yrs…he says its a serious comitted relationship…n i say if i dont stop pushing him away…its gonna end…im looking at the goal…to be mrs…he just loves the way we get on together…like everyone else i have my issues…i suffer from abandonment phobias…i can be cool for a while…but i have always held this deep seated fear that this will be taken away from me…n at this point its down right an insult to him cuz besides popping the question….hes there and has been there for me in all ways possible ..and rightly so i feel him starting to get ticked off a little…the way that it works is…i feel him getting close…he amazingly accepts me for who i am which is thrillin and scary simultaneously…ill begin to…a) point out something thats not perfect…we go back to our neutral corners…the dance of the feeling messages, invitaions etc begin…we come back close…and start again…or b) hes pouring his self n to me…and i feel a nothingness until he tires and backs off…then i pout and agonize over not having as much of his attention as i would like…i realize this as individual to me az this has been my pattern in other relationships at times…n i just want to stop it. it took a longtime for me to be able to verbalize this about myself…like i said ive been studying u n others for a while now and truly have made some tremendous strides…(although they have been in baby steps :), n i no tht my pace is fine cuz its about me. but no that i can finally name it…i want to stop it…for good, you no? its like i have a mantra i dont want…n my heart is breaking for me…ooh excuse me…i just had to have a good cry for myself…while i wz on my knees…i felt like i cld vomitt…like all this black cloud stuff is nside n i just want to let it out…sometimes i thnk ive let it out…but its always back…plse reply to this comment



  212.  #212michelle on August 22, 2012 at 6:55 pm

    Been in a realtionship for a yr witht the man of my dreams,and then the day after our one yr anniversary,all of a sudden he doesn’t know if he wants to get married,doesn’t know why he isn’t in love with me!? I think he is scared..help! Does your book have the same info as the online info/tools?!



  213.  #213Rori Raye on August 22, 2012 at 8:18 pm

    Michelle – get the ebook – you have 7 days to return it – if you don’t want the Monthly Interviews – uncheck that box. I think the simplicity of the basic tools could turn things around for you – if you’re accidentally pushing him away. Love, Rori



  214.  #214jodi may on August 23, 2012 at 3:17 am

    don’t even know where to start lol I guess I should start with been with a guy for almost 5 years & we have lived together for a little over a year ( I got evicted & he took me in πŸ™ anyway things were great in the beginning ( of course, he took me out EVERY weekend) & then last winter I found a letter from him to a female co-worker ( who he still works with) that he is still attracted to & well they were trying to hook up while we were first together, they have since been done only cuz she had a bf at the time & well that’s a VERY LONG story lol anyway he was also talking to my girls ( at the time 17 & 18) behind my back, things got WAY out of control & well he has been getting relationship advice from co-workers & friends over the years ( I should say we are both in our early 40’s) so when we were first together after a month & a half I said the “L” word & he freaked out ( I am the ONLY gf he has EVER had!) anyway he DUMPED me 3 days before my birthday after 4 months of being “f**k buddies” & then when this “co-worker” decided to stay with her bf he came back after me. Things just haven’t been good since, he has LIED to me (which I don’t take lightly!) we both have a history of abuse, mine is every kind you can think of, & his is being IGNORED most of his life. So when things don’t go his way he just IGNORES me totally! He has lived on his pc for the better part of his adult life ( yes porn included) like I said in the beginning things were great we had fun we drank we laughed heck at 1 point during out worst part he even came out & said ” I LOVE YOU” of course he was drunk so that helped. He NEVER says is unless he is going to work & well I know he still has feelings for this woman cause when we talk bout her he can’t look me in the eye. He thinks I have cheated on him & in my history with my X I have been told ” if a guy is accusing you of cheating then he is the 1 cheating” I have since lost any feelings for this guy, although i have to say that he is the best kisser & he know it so when he kisses me yeah I want him, although our sex life is another whole story for another day lol anyway it’s gotten to the point where he just don’t care if I talk to him or not. I live with him & it’s really hard to IGNORE him! I guess i should say that he foes to work at 4a so I am used to getting up with him when he goes to work & if I don’t he thinks I’m pissed at him, I used to tell him like 100 times a day ” I LOVE YOU” & his answer would be ” I know” until he said then he would say ” I LOVE YOU TOO” now he don’t say it all! I told him ” you don’t mean it so way say it” he is the kind of guy you would take home to meet mom & yes he is 1 of those guy’s who won’t kick me out cuz he would feel guilty bout it ( I am on S.S. & S.S.I. I so don’t make as much as most woman) that’s why he won’t kick me out. I do EVERYTHING round his apartment cleaning, dishes, laundry, I even make his cigarettes……………….. I tell people ” I am his “MAID” he don’t like that lol oh well I tell him ” you have given me NO reason to tell them any different” I am gonna buy your book it’s just right now I have no $ till the first of the month πŸ™



  215.  #215jodi may on August 23, 2012 at 6:58 am

    I guess I should have added that not only was this co-worker coming on to him when he wasn’t at work she was also coming on to him at work! as in he broke up with me & then she stopped calling him I found a 5 page letter he had wrote to her after he broke up with me & after we had gotten back together in the letter he refers to me as ” the crazy nut job” once we got back together they started “flirting” all over again & I know they still flirt at work. the thing is with me that he “settled” for me cuz he don’t think he can ever get a woman he REALLY wants. the way I see things is if you REALLY TRULY love some1 you are NOT afraid to tell them & he ONLY says it when he walks out the door to go to work, we get in fights over this & he is good for a bout a day then goes back to his “norm” thing which means I NEVER hear it unless I say it first. we both have trust issues & we both know each other’s pasts, he is VERY NAIVE when it comes to woman & things people tell him ( he will believe pretty much anything you tell him)



  216.  #216Rori Raye on August 23, 2012 at 10:14 am

    Jodi – I’m encouraging you you to become as independent financially as you can – and to get some professional help – try Al-Anon or CODA…they’re free and helpful. Love, Rori



  217.  #217jodi may on August 23, 2012 at 6:25 pm

    thanks for this, I think, he isn’t an alcoholic hell we don’t even drink anymore lol it was just in the beginning we did a LOT of that & now I can’t even get him to have a “date” night with me πŸ™ I have been doctors & I am NOT 1 either lol I have P.T.S.D. along with a bunch of other crap that has NOTHING to do with him & I. as for the financial thing yeah that is next to impossible since I only make 700.00 a month & 500.00 goes to him for paying bills, after all when you “live” with some1 you do help with that sort of thing. We just can’t join our checking accounts cuz of my S.S.s he makes WAY to much & if we did that I would lose all my income & he knows that so we keep that separate. I am left every month with a little over 200.00 to myself to spend as I want to, he don’t mind that & always tells me ” are you sure that’s enough for the month?” I think that’s why he put my name on his Discover card so I could use it whenever I needed to without asking him first. My issue right now is that you say to IGNORE him & I have been doing that ( the problem is he is so used to this that it don’t seem to phase him 1 bit that I am NOT talking to him nor am I telling him where I got when I talk HIS car ( I don’t have a car since I can’t afford 1) I left today bout 2:30 p & just got back round 7:30p he barley even said anything to me just told me that his nephew took a pack of my cigarette’s ( I knew he would though) the dishes are pilling up lol & I am NOT gonna make his cigarettes this time ( I do this from time to time & then he gets all “ok so what’s wrong & what did I do now?”). I guess I should stress to you that neither of us are BIG drinkers, I would like to go out on “date” night at least once a month & just have a couple of drinks with him or stay at his place like we used to do. there are SOOOOOOO many things this year that are having an influence on the “us” part that well I guess I could do short version lol his bike (Harley) has been in the shop ALL summer just got it back yesterday πŸ™‚ his back went out last March & he buy’s anything he find off the internet that he THINKS is gonna “fix” it ( he don’t want to have surgery) for me it’s a HUGE TRUST issue & if I can’t TRUST HIM then what’s the point right? thank you for putting up my mind right now I am very lost confused & not sure what to do anymore



  218.  #218Heather on August 26, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    Hi Rori,
    I think Im attracted to men who don’t care about me. It terrifies me. I have been divorced twice. The first time to a man who was physically abusive the second time to a drug addict.
    I have no problem attracting men and was dating 3 men when I met…HIM. I was attracted to him for a lot of reasons; wealth, health, intellegent, successful. I used all of my Rori Raye tools and he often commented on how he loved the way “I made him feel”. The feeling was mutual. After I gave him “the speech” after he was dissappointed that I had another date one Saturday he told me he only wanted me and wanted very much to be married; He “craved” it. We vactioned in Europe for a couple weeks, and during that time he was doting and I felt like a precious one of your “pearls” and told him so and since I came back (he stayed on in Europe for professional reasons) has called me constantly. Problem; now that he has professed in undying love and intentions to marry me w/in a year I am not sure I am attracted to him. Something is very wrong w/ me. You said once, “we are all attracted to our fathers, you have to decide if that is healthy for you or not”. Well that would not be healthy for me. My father was abusive and still is to my mother. I don’t think I can turn my thinking around. Im trying to concentrate on how “comfortable” i feel w/ him. How SAFE I feel and it helps. But I am scared I will always be attracted to the man who is emotionally unavailable and mean.



  219.  #219Rori Raye on August 26, 2012 at 5:34 pm

    Heather – You’re SO not alone. And you CAN fix this – really, you can. Start going to CODA meetings, and get my Toxic Men program (ebook first…) – it’ll give you many tools to change this around faster than you thought possible. Your attraction are not your destiny. You have control over what you do with them. Love, Rori



  220.  #220Heather on August 27, 2012 at 2:08 am

    CODA; I have been off and on after it was recommended to me by 2 professionals 2 years ago. The meetings/12 stps helped and I will begin attending again. They helped me detach from the drug addict and see it was necessary. It was YOU who helped me feel comfortable w/ men again. I will get Toxic Men thanks.



  221.  #221Kimberly on September 5, 2012 at 10:32 pm

    I’m in a situation where I’m not sure what I want to do. I’ve been with my boyfriend almost a year. We met online, developed an intense relationship, and moved quickly. At the time, he lived 5 hours away. He drove to see me every single weekend, except the few times I flew up to see him. I never imagined these types of feelings exist. I felt as if I had truly found my soul mate. He is so good to my parents, he supports and attends my work events, he is a gentleman, brings me coffee in bed and a whole list of other amazing qualities.

    A couple of months into the relationship, he began to withdraw. I asked him and he told me it was all about the stress (he has several life-altering events all occurring at once….this is legitimate). He told me he couldn’t wait to move to be with me, and things would be better when we could be together more. I told him I’d support him and be understanding of all he was going through.

    We moved in together. We are happy in many ways but one: sex. We have had mind blowing “can you believe that just happened” sex. In the beginning. Now he almost never wants to have sex. Again I questioned him. Again, the stress.

    After several months of this, I had a “come to Jesus” talk with him. He admitted that he never wanted to hurt my feelings by admitting this, but physically, he is not turned on by me. He stated it in the kindest way he possibly could. I have NEVER had a problem in this area. Yes, I struggle with 15-20 pounds at times. But I’m not grotesque. At 44, I have had more twenty-something men ask me out than when I was in my 20’s! I told him I wasn’t happy with my extra weight, so I wanted to get in better shape for our relationship and for me.

    Fast forward a couple of months. I haven’t lost weight and kept it off. The day I started a new job (that requires extensive travel) I found my brother dead. He acknowledges all my change, grief, and travel and says he is supportive.

    Last week, after no improvement, I told him I couldn’t do this by myself, and that if he wanted to keep our relationship going, he was going to have to put forth some effort. We discussed my weight and he admits he does not know when or why it happened, but he is not sexually attracted to me. In every other way, he feels we are so amazing together, and for that reason he wants to try.

    We love each other and want to stay together. But do I want to be with someone whose feelings for me depend on 15-20 pounds? The irony of it all is that on our initial meeting, I was not attracted to him at all. He is the exact opposite of the men I am naturally drawn to. I made a decision that if I continued to date men for superficial reasons (size of their biceps), then I would continue to have superficial relationships. I was ready for real. When I saw what a beautiful heart he had, how he cared for me and treated my elderly parents, what an amazing dad he is to two grown sons and how he cares for his own mother, I fell in love with him. Attraction was no longer an issue. I became physically attracted to him through my genuine love for him.

    I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like I have the option of circular dating since we live together. I try to plan activities without consideration of him, but when we only see each other 2 or 3 days a week, that is difficult. Someone, anyone, please offer advice. It’s too pathetic and humiliating to discuss with any of my friends.



  222.  #222rosa on February 24, 2013 at 5:27 am

    hello , i just experianced the worst thing in last few nights.. my male best friend came to my house t hang out just couple nights ago. i was in pain later that night and asked him to go gt my purse from my car. he did just that , well i got in to my purse and got my pain meds, and was gonna taking one and realized 20 some pills were missing , i knew deep down, that i did not take that many, i have only taken at least 3 at the max. i start counting them and knew there was some missing . i started to get mad and upset, thinking someone stole some of my meds. while he was here, he kept asking me who do you think took them? , i automatically was thinking his best friend.. why ? cause his best friend i used to date and he had comtinued to come around for a booty call and knowing the past between us , he would be hatefull and do this to me.. then i got thinking more and more about it , i then knew but was not real sure who took them. so l have to say last night i told my room mate and he helped me figure out a stradagy to get verification and facts to make sure it was who i thougt, so i had put my pain meds in another bottle and had them put up some where other than my room . i then put excedrin, which looked like my pain meds in my prescript. bottle, well officially last night or early this morning i purposely had my male bestie , which i will call him mr m. come over to where i am staying and hang out , as he left i counted the pills in my prescript bottle and there was only 18 of them, i automatically knew and for deffinate clarifacation for my self, who did it . sure enough it was mr m. how do i address this? and iam like soooo hurt right now, we always talked about lots of things and talking bout my x bf which is his bestie, . i trusted him as a good friend , after everything i have helped him with like putting up insulation and cleaning his shop , to buying him lunch or breakfast, and taking the time to cook andd make him dinner and his bestie dinner, been there for him when i could just so he could vent to me,, and this is what i get ???? i have cried my eyes out and dont wanna call the cops on him . i would much rather resolve the issue even if i have to break my friendship with him and not talk to him or answer his calls or text messages. Should i say something to his best friend or not, i dont know how to go about talking to Mr M.???? i cant sleep cause of this .