More Switching Hats From Boy to Girl and Back Again

Untitled design (14)

There is simply no way to live a full, magnificent life without getting your inner “Boy” out there in a huge way.

You WANT to encourage your Boy energy to to do the tech, logistical, organizational things that need doing to get yourself where you want to be, making the contribution to this world you want to make.

There is no reason we can’t do this and be PRESENT at the same time…but it doesn’t take away from the fact that we are DOING.

And practicing ANYTHING makes it the “default” position.

That’s why my Tools work, like meditation works.

You just DO these things, and your body, heart mind get retrained.

You get a new “default.”

You get a new “Normal.”

You cannot go from Doing into Being without literally switching modes.

Your physical body is different.

Your electrical energy is different.

Hormones are different.

Action is very, very different from pure experience.

Giving is different from receiving.

You need to practice BOTH…and discover for yourself where you can be MOST Girl…and how you can EXPAND how your Boy works, too.

You’ll want to enlist your Boy to:

Write lists of your strengths, your likes, things you want and like to do, places you want to go, to-do lists, calendar and schedule Circular Dating…

Get you out of the house and in public where a man can find you…

Make the time and space for you to take a nap…

Take care of you when you’re sick and make you lie down and rest and do nothing “productive”…

Make phone calls for work and answer texts and calls from men – your Boy will make the space for your Girl to do the speaking from your heart.

Find work you love and get you out where love can find you….

Many, many more things that involve action and decision making…

You’ll want to allow your Girl to sink into feelings, experiences, listening, absorbing, just being….

Just PRACTICE the Tools around this, and you’ll see how it works for you.

Let your Boy get you out there and then allow your Girl to go raw and vulnerable.

Let your Boy say “I’ll think about it,” and Let your Girl say “NO!” Your inner Boy will listen to your inner Girl!!! HE MUST!!!

You can switch from Boy to Girl in a moment, and then back again in another moment.

Both Boy and Girl exist simultaneously – it’s about what you CHOOSE in that moment – action or being.

And as you practice “switching” more and more – you’ll find it effortless and fun.

Love, Rori

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582 Comments

  1.  #1Elizabeth on June 6, 2011 at 7:31 am

    I’m just a girl……in the world….

    and my boy really loves her!

    xoxo



  2.  #2DE on June 6, 2011 at 7:46 am

    Yes, Rori…:)

    it is sure hard to switch between the two…yet, i find it easier the more i practice…noticing myself is a start…:)



  3.  #3Femininewoman on June 6, 2011 at 7:53 am

    Yes this is just in time.



  4.  #4Senior Lady Vibe on June 6, 2011 at 8:17 am

    Good morning, world. I am thankful for this day.

    xoxo
    SLV



  5.  #5Elizabeth on June 6, 2011 at 8:22 am

    4. SLV

    “I am thankful for this day.”

    Simply reflecting on a thought like that
    throughout the day, sinking into the feeling
    of gratitude, can make all
    the difference in the world!

    🙂

    xoxo



  6.  #6Laughing Goddess on June 6, 2011 at 8:23 am

    This is something I’d like to practice more, switching back and forth.



  7.  #7Elizabeth on June 6, 2011 at 8:31 am

    That was one magic man I had a date with last night.
    Gentleman. Very unconventional. Smart as a whip. Funny as all get-out. On the same page with a lot of things. Great energy. Not struck by thunder in the physical chem dept., but I am not concerned with that, as I do feel an essence of it, definitely. I think it’s healthier that way, especially after what I have been through recently, because then I won’t let any hormonal rush cloud my vision as to what else is *really* going on. And here is also where the power of CDing different men comes in as well. We did talk about some previous relationships, and our views on what kind of relationship we want. He said he sees a lot of potential for us, I do, too. This is someone I would want in my life in any capacity. Ahhhhh…..my heart is melting writing this…..good sign….I have dates with other men in the works…..

    xoxo



  8.  #8Elizabeth on June 6, 2011 at 8:37 am

    I’m sure I could get great practice switching back and forth between boy and girl energies with magic-man. Dating him would be a good setting for that. I’m going to keep it in mind. I have a strong impression that he is quite the balanced combo of boy and girl energies.

    xoxo



  9.  #9Senior Lady Vibe on June 6, 2011 at 8:56 am

    Sometimes my boy and I switch hats so fast we are side by side holding hands. We have one hat and we switch it back and forth. Sometimes during the day we fight over who gets to “wear the hat.” Sometimes he glares. Sometimes I pout.

    Our hat is cute. It looks like this:

    http://cheekykitten.blogs.com/my_weblog/images/ferret3.jpg

    I think my “Sweetie” is doing boy duty most of the time. I ask him every morning “what are we doing today?” He tells me. We do it. He doesn’t mind because at the end of the day I ask him “Are you sleeping with me tonight.” He says “yes.”

    xoxo
    SLV



  10.  #10Laughing Goddess on June 6, 2011 at 9:06 am

    I am making a commitment to revisit and reapply the tools in my relationship with LI. We have been together for a year and a few months and I feel concerned that I am getting lax and falling into old patterns of being in masculine energy with him.

    I still feel good with him and I want to readjust my sails beofre this becomes a problem.

    The first tool/rule I want to focus on is

    Don’t
    offer suggestions
    criticize
    ask the innocent question

    etc etc

    I can’t remember the whole list.

    I feel stuck because I can’t find my password for the ebook to find the whole list.

    I’m feel determined to step my siren skills up a notch!

    This is gonna be fun!!!!

    I feel excited to see how this affects our relationship.

    I feel so much love for him and feel sooooooo loved by him.

    I feel scared I will ruin it with unhealthy old patterns.

    No, that’s not true. I don’t really feel scared.

    Maybe concerned is a better word.

    My heart feels warm and I feel so much gratitude for this relationship.

    I don’t wanna mess it up.



  11.  #11Laughing Goddess on June 6, 2011 at 9:07 am

    And I’m not going to!!!!



  12.  #12Elizabeth on June 6, 2011 at 9:17 am

    That’s just great, LG! I’m feeling the enthusiasm! 🙂

    I imagine it is just as challenging to avoid falling back into those patterns in an established relationship as it is in the beginning stages of one. We always have to be vigilant about it, seems like.

    I just started in again with the e-book yesterday!!

    I hope you can find the password or I’m sure you can get it from Rori.

    xoxo



  13.  #13Femininewoman on June 6, 2011 at 9:24 am

    Got this from Dr. Paul and thought I would share it for Mel and whoever else is interested. Sorry about the length.

    The Invitation, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

    “It doesn’t interest me
    what you do for a living.
    I want to know
    what you ache for
    and if you dare to dream
    of meeting your heart’s longing.

    It doesn’t interest me
    how old you are.
    I want to know
    if you will risk
    looking like a fool
    for love
    for your dream
    for the adventure of being alive.

    It doesn’t interest me

    what planets are
    squaring your moon…

    I want to know
    if you have touched
    the centre of your own sorrow
    if you have been opened
    by life’s betrayals
    or have become shrivelled and closed
    from fear of further pain.

    I want to know
    if you can sit with pain
    mine or your own
    without moving to hide it
    or fade it
    or fix it.

    I want to know
    if you can be with joy
    mine or your own
    if you can dance with wildness
    and let the ecstasy fill you
    to the tips of your fingers and toes
    without cautioning us
    to be careful
    to be realistic
    to remember the limitations
    of being human.

    It doesn’t interest me
    if the story you are telling me
    is true.

    I want to know if you can
    disappoint another
    to be true to yourself.
    If you can bear
    the accusation of betrayal
    and not betray your own soul.
    If you can be faithless
    and therefore trustworthy.

    I want to know if you can see Beauty
    even when it is not pretty
    every day.

    And if you can source your own life
    from its presence.

    I want to know
    if you can live with failure
    yours and mine
    and still stand at the edge of the lake
    and shout to the silver of the full moon,
    “Yes.”

    It doesn’t interest me
    to know where you live
    or how much money you have.

    I want to know if you can get up
    after the night of grief and despair
    weary and bruised to the bone
    and do what needs to be done
    to feed the children.

    It doesn’t interest me
    who you know
    or how you came to be here.

    I want to know if you will stand
    in the centre of the fire
    with me
    and not shrink back.

    It doesn’t interest me
    where or what or with whom
    you have studied.

    I want to know
    what sustains you
    from the inside
    when all else falls away.

    I want to know
    if you can be alone
    with yourself
    and if you truly like
    the company you keep
    in the empty moments.”

    By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming,
    from the book The Invitation



  14.  #14Laughing Goddess on June 6, 2011 at 9:24 am

    Hi Elizabeth!

    Ya, I agree that it’s important at any stage.

    You new cd sounds fun!



  15.  #15Senior Lady Vibe on June 6, 2011 at 9:25 am

    😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  16.  #16Senior Lady Vibe on June 6, 2011 at 9:26 am

    Oops, lost part of the post. 😳

    @5: Elizabeth

    Hi, Elizabeth!
    😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  17.  #17Elizabeth on June 6, 2011 at 9:30 am

    13. FW
    That poem is one of my mainstays, I think it is brilliant.

    Thanks for posting it.

    xoxo



  18.  #18Femininewoman on June 6, 2011 at 9:36 am

    Dr. Paul breaks the poem down with his own interpretations but it is 3 pages long so I can only share snippets.
    In that poem, we find a wealth of material to look at in terms of understanding men, and certainly in “reading” their behavior for seriousness about you, your relationship, and respect for you.
    First off, the name of the poem itself implies great boundaries on the part of the author. It’s only an “invitation,” which in and of itself, recognizes that all relationships are VOLUNTARY – when first attracting, when dating, when boyfriend/girlfriend, and yes, even DURING marriage. Because of boundaries, men and women who get together never completely “own” or “control” each other.
    They are perpetually not on “good behavior,” but are accountable for being themselves in a way that pleases the other person, makes them happy, hopefully makes them desirous of us, and through the process of dating and courtship itself, leads us to ONLY THE RIGHT PERSON for our lives…
    For a man to get serious about you though, he will absolutely need to sense that you “get it” as far as how important his career is to his identity, and more – that your presence in his life will actually be as much a boon to that career as his presence is to your “purpose as a woman.”
    This doesn’t have as much to do with being a “good time” or “party animal” as it does in referencing the nature of SHAME.
    Men who fear dancing in public, speaking their minds, or giving in too easily to your requests or demands, don’t just “lack a spine.” they may be carrying around shame.
    We define it as the opposite or depletion of the gender instinct – so shame in men means they lack masculinity. If they lack masculinity, they will be less desirable, and desire you less if you are not a source of this. They will also not be pleasant to be around because they will lack “passion for life.”
    Voila – boring date. So the guy who can’t dance is not jsut boring because he can’t dance. It’s also that he lacks masculinity. And it needs to be more than YOU who provide a boost of that…



  19.  #19Elizabeth on June 6, 2011 at 9:37 am

    16.
    Hi, SLV! 🙂

    My boy is telling my girl to get her b*tt in gear, but my girl is saying “my b*tt seems to be on crack and wants to read and write on the blog, but, OK, I am feeling in agreement with you, it is best for me right now to move along….”

    be back later…

    xoxo



  20.  #20Mel on June 6, 2011 at 9:41 am

    Beautiful poem! Thanks for sharing it with us!



  21.  #21FlowerChild77 on June 6, 2011 at 10:21 am

    #9/SLV Your posts always bring a smile to my face–and today I’m even giggling! :-)) I checked out your hat–I love your sense of humor.



  22.  #22Laughing Goddess on June 6, 2011 at 10:34 am

    Kaitlyn: I just had an idea I thought you might like.

    Ya know how you said you are diligent about your lists?

    Well, lists really help me although I don’t always follow them.

    I’m going to use my masculine doing energy to make lists to remind me of my feminine energy practices.

    I will make a lists for myself that says things like
    -lean back
    -leave space for silence
    -eye contact
    -etc

    and keep it handy during times when I tend to forget. I will make a game out of it!



  23.  #23Laughing Goddess on June 6, 2011 at 10:37 am

    SLV: awww, that picture warms my heart.



  24.  #24kaitlyn on June 6, 2011 at 10:43 am

    22 LG

    Nice! I dig it.



  25.  #25AmazingMe on June 6, 2011 at 11:34 am

    Amazing, Brilliant, and warming poem. I loved it Thank you for that it is so true, if we could all feel that exact way ..xoxox



  26.  #26tinque on June 6, 2011 at 11:51 am

    Can anyone help me with PDF files, making them? I can’t seem to make it work anymore, (pdfforge) and I’ve reloaded the program a gazillion times. pout…feeling really frustrated.

    I found another program that works, (nitropdf) but the resolution is awful.

    Maybe there’s another program I can use?
    xxoo



  27.  #27Laughing Goddess on June 6, 2011 at 11:54 am

    Tinque:

    If you have word, I’ve had luck going to PRINT

    when the print screen opens up, there should be a button that says PDF or PRINT TO FILE

    print to file will usually let you save it as a PDF.

    Hope that helps.



  28.  #28Laughing Goddess on June 6, 2011 at 11:56 am

    It’s kind of a secret little thing that not everyone knows about on Microsoft Word.



  29.  #29Laughing Goddess on June 6, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    Just double checked on my computer and ya
    click on print
    in the print window that pops up there is a button that says PDF
    click that and choose Save As PDF



  30.  #30tinque on June 6, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    🙁 – That’s what I’ve been trying to do, and it says PDF creator not responding. I tried shutting the computer down and having nothing else open, still no. boo

    Thank you Laughing Goddess. Any other suggestions?

    xxoo



  31.  #31Lilybelle on June 6, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    So I did the “i feel bored and frustrated… ” FM with one of my CD’s who is now no longer a CD.

    He freaked out! He told me that I was spoiled and pampered and must really hate men. He also took the time to let me know that he didn’t find me “all that attractive and was open to looking past that”.
    He has wished me “Lots of luck finding a date, you need it!!”.



  32.  #32Laughing Goddess on June 6, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    Tinque: you tried it in Microsoft Word and it gave you that message?



  33.  #33Laughing Goddess on June 6, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    Wow Lillybelle!

    How do you feel about him saying that?



  34.  #34Lilybelle on June 6, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    33: LG~

    At first, My NV’s tried to sneak out and attack me about my appearance.

    Then, I realized and remembered that I had a suspicion he was this type of man and my gut had gone off earlier so I was and am fine.



  35.  #35Lily T. on June 6, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    #31
    Lil, Wow! How awful. 🙁 Good riddance to him.



  36.  #36LobbyStar on June 6, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    I have so much trouble bringing out my girl. My boy energy is sooooo dominant. But I know she’s in there. She has made appearances in my last r’ship. I need to work on being more conscious of which energy is present and when. This will be my greatest challenge, I believe.



  37.  #37Laughing Goddess on June 6, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    Lillybelle: Good! My guess is he was just lashing out anyway.

    Next!

    Love you!!!



  38.  #38Lilybelle on June 6, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    35:

    They really do have a way of weeding themselves out. I see the tools working as they should. 🙂

    37:

    I suspect he was too, LG~ SOME men have a hard time with what appears to be rejection so they lash out as a way to make themselves feel better.

    I am golden!

    Love you too!



  39.  #39tinque on June 6, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    Yes Laughing Goddess, but you must be my good luck charm. Eight times is the charm. I tried one more time, really time number ten, but I like the number eight better, and it worked. YAY!!!

    Thank you. You seem to have cleared out my computer bugaboos.

    xxoo



  40.  #40Laughing Goddess on June 6, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    Lillybelle:

    I guess if you wanted to you could continue on with

    “that feels horrible. I don’t want to be talked to like that.”

    For practice.

    But I’d probably just want to walk away if I want that interested in him anyway.

    Ewwww, I feeling creeped out thinking about him.



  41.  #41Daria on June 6, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    Lillybelle – I’m having similar experiences today…
    One guy said he thinks I’m flaking on him cuz I didn’t answer at 8 am, this is while I had called him back at 12 when I just woke up. He’s like well you’re only available till 6

    I’m like you’re not coming?

    He says honestly I think you’re flaking on ne!

    Ohh here I could’ve said whoa I feel shocked… Maybe I did

    I said what? I feel like I’m being flaked on

    Anyways I said I don’t want to argue this feels bad, and he’s like yeah I’ll let you go and hung up.

    Huh?

    Okay this after 19 man gave me a text about he doesn’t want jealousy or drama

    I just said ‘please leave me alone’

    Wtf I feel mad

    I don’t want men who don’t put my feelings first.

    I feel excited I do have done awesome step up CDs planned



  42.  #42Ella on June 6, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    Lillybelle,

    Wow, Ick!

    I think this says more about him… I mean honesly what kid of man would respond like that to a woman saying how she feels!

    Well there are lots of things I could say about him but actually not really interested in that, except to say thank goodness he screened himself out early.

    And he certainly doesn’t seem that he could be any kind of man you want…

    And wow what a great Siren reaction on your part!

    What will be most interesting is to see whether he comes back after he has got over his tantrum, even if you don’t want him to… that has happened to me before when a man has got really angry at me and called me ‘stush’ and various other things…

    Go Siren Sister! xoxox



  43.  #43Laughing Goddess on June 6, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    Tinque: I don’t know if I can take credit for that but I’m feeling happy that everything worked out 🙂



  44.  #44Daria on June 6, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    I feel excited that I seem to not be interested to non step up men! New normal! Woo hoo!



  45.  #45tinque on June 6, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    Lilybelle – Yes to what everyone said. He was lashing out to protect his wounded pride. You did well. Ignoring is best here, or a this feels awful would have been fine too.

    And please don’t believe a word he says. I’ve seen your picture, and I think you’re adorable. And so will many men. So there.

    xxoo



  46.  #46FlowerChild77 on June 6, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    I’ve been thinking a lot about xbf (#446/last thread) and really trying to consider feelings and actions within the context of what I know about him.

    I think he’s angry…..mad at me. He takes a long time to process things, make decisions, etc. He doesn’t just jump in and out of relationships. It’s been a year for me…but I bet I’ve processed WAY more than he has in that time.

    Also…he was ok financially when I moved out. He is vested as a union journeyman and usually makes good money/benefits. When there is lag time/layoffs, the maximum unemployment benefit is only half of what his take home pay is. He always made sure there was money in the bank for the mortgage/insurance/repairs/property taxes–and I paid for most everything else.

    He is worried about eeking through. There are only 5 more yrs left and the house will be paid off. (He’s very responsible about money.) As I said, he has stuck by me through thick and thin; I would never have left when I did if I didn’t think he’d be ok for money. (A few times over the winter he ran out of fuel oil and had no heat, etc.)

    I KNOW it is not my job to support him (and I can’t–I’m, well…poor) but I feel like I should be THERE, helping. After all these years there is finally a situation where *I* could help him…and here I am out “finding myself.”

    I KNOW I don’t owe him anything, but on some level this feels very selfish. I guess this is where getting married comes in. I would feel better about all of it if we were married. (I never brought it up because I just figured he’d never want to, and didn’t want to humiliate myself.)

    I would feel better about investing (more than I already have) in this life with him if I was his wife. He is 7yrs older and most likely I will outlive him—I know this sounds SO selfish, but it’s a real concern at this time in my life. Which begs the question, “What about me?” I have to consider what will happen to me if he dies first. At least now I have my own place and my own life, etc. (Ugh…I feel like a shrew!)

    I’m thinking that because I’d been thinking about leaving for quite awhile—and when I did leave was the first he started processing it—that he’s finally feeling like I just ran out and dropped the ball. (Think of it if the genders were reversed–and the man just up and left the woman to try and hold everything together while he’s going on about his life thinking about dating, etc.) The word ‘shallow’ comes to mind 🙁

    I kind of had ‘tunnel-vision’ up till now—and all of a sudden—it makes sense. He’s mad at me. He’s been kind of different the last few months and I couldn’t put my finger on it—but that’s what it is. He’s mad at me. At least it’s a place to start.

    This feels like it’s really snow-balling and getting too complicated to just use a few FM’s. I’ve read through the ‘speeches’ posts, but I’m not sure how to break it down. It feels like too much to even cover in one conversation.

    What do you ladies think? I feel like I have a pretty good perspective on this, I just don’t know what to do with it…



  47.  #47Lilybelle on June 6, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    Thank you, Sirens!

    These are exactly the type of men I DON’T want in my life.. and feel happy that they will weed themselves out. I chose to not respond. I feel like, why give him any more of my energy…

    🙂



  48.  #48FlowerChild77 on June 6, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    Tinque..I haven’t read thru yet. Maybe someone answered you already.

    You need an Adobe program for pdf files. Go to http://www.adobe.com and look for their free downloads. Depending on what you’re trying to do, you may need to purchase something.

    Hope this helps 🙂



  49.  #49FlowerChild77 on June 6, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    Lilybelle–what a jerk! And yay for you and your gut feelings–telling you ahead of time what this guy might be like. 🙂

    That’s what I’m trying to learn—how to trust my gut feelings…



  50.  #50Femininewoman on June 6, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    Lilybelle “I am spoiled and pampered by masculine men who know how to treat a real woman. It makes him feel special”.



  51.  #51FlowerChild77 on June 6, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    Ooops…!

    Well, I just learned something new about MSWord 🙂



  52.  #52Femininewoman on June 6, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    RE 49 I don’t call them jerks. He is just not ready for a real relationship so does not know how to treat a real woman.



  53.  #53Brenda on June 6, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    Hello to all of you!

    Wow, I feel so touched at your support, love, and concern! I am still in a rush and cannot take time to address each of you, but thank God, I miraculously found a place to stay with my pets!!!!

    A very kind family at my church is taking me in! It is temporary, but, if it works out, it could even become permanent!! We are staying in a gorgeous, large loft above their garage with many windows and air conditioning!! If it becomes my home, they will install a bathroom and kitchenette. But for now I am walking thru the garage to their kitchen and bathroom.

    The lady’s name is Miho, and with great admiration and respect, I refer you to her website, http://www.cleansheets.com. She does a one woman play about the story of her life – drugs, hitchhiking, rape, abortion, living with an alcoholic and being abused – and it is how I met her, when she performed her professional play at church last December. She is phenomenal and intelligent, wise, kind, and compassionate!

    She also just published a book, “If You Give a Girl a Push-Up Bra,”, designed to steer teenage girls away from the life of regrets she used to live. I’m sure it will come up if you google it – if you want it for your kids. No time to look up its website.

    Anyway, I feel honored to be staying at her home, and I love this place – out in the country, right in the area I was hoping to be. Time will tell if it becomes my permanent home, but thank God, I have a home!

    I so appreciate all your thoughts and encouragement! I feel touched!

    Love, Brenda



  54.  #54Ladybird on June 6, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    Evening ladies, it’s been a while since I’ve been able to post so I’ve missed a lot.

    Lillybel, my ex said a similar thing to me ‘good luck with finding a man who you can express your feelings to’. When I look back I think his ego was dented as I expressed how I felt and that the situation wasn’t serving me well and as FW says, he wasn’t man enough to deal a woman who wanted a real relationship.

    Now, some stuff has been happening with him. I finished with him at the beginning of March and he contacted me by online ‘chat’ at work after 2 months to ask how my Easter was. I was polite and open and I must admit it was good to hear from him.

    He then poofed and contacted me a month later (2 weeks ago) by online ‘chat’ at work again. I told him I would be driving up to visit my family later that week and he asked if I would be in the office up there and when I said yes, he said ‘great’ and added a smiley face.

    The first convo in the office was a little awkward but ok. I remained open and relaxed and really tried using the tools, leaning way back etc. He asked if I was going to lunch and and I thought it would be a good opportunity for us to just be in each other’s company and ‘be surprised’ but a couple of other colleagues joined us. He asked me what I had planned for the weekend and then after the weekend was over asked what I did over the weekend. The following day as I was leaving he asked me what I had planned for the evening. I told him I wasn’t sure but may go for a swim at a certain pool and he said he was going to another pool and it was very quiet, not a lot of people go there on that evening. When we were together, he has asked me to go swim with him there.

    He also asked for my advice about a drive he has to do this week as the routeplanner tells him to go via a town 9 miles from me tomorrow evening. I told him it was a good road and that journey but this is a man who doesn’t ask for advice often so I was surprised he asked me this.

    I have spoken to 5 friends about this (3 ladies, 2 men) and they all say he is still interested but is scared and is taking baby steps to feel his way. I really don’t know what to think, I feel confused and contact with him has raised a lot of mixed emotions for me.

    All Siren advice welcome. xx



  55.  #55Rosa on June 6, 2011 at 2:11 pm

    Just awake here..Elizabeth , I am delighted to read about your date and I am giggling as I think about red flags turning into rosy pink glasses , and I think for me you nailed the exact definition of an imaginary relationship 🙂

    Tinque also thank you for your kind words..yes its mayhem in this body somethimes , but I just put on a new sapphire blue sweater and I look HOT (for my surgeons appointment )



  56.  #56Rosa on June 6, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    So happy for you Brenda!!!
    Gotta get to work here.



  57.  #57Ladybird on June 6, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    Elizabeth, MagicMan sounds nice!



  58.  #58Ladybird on June 6, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    If it wasn’t for Rori, I think my girl energy would still be stuffed down! Rori’s tools have really made me much more aware of my girl, thanks Rori. xx



  59.  #59Susan on June 6, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    Tinque:

    OpenOffice dot org offers an office suite very similar to Word and it is free. It is written by Oracle – a well known and trustworthy source. I use the suite instead of paying money for Microsoft Office. The suite allows you to save in .PDF format and then to reopen and modify the .PDF file! I recommend you give it a try!



  60.  #60Ella on June 6, 2011 at 2:29 pm

    flowerchild re 46,

    Hmmm, there is a lot there, and it is great that you are starting to process this.

    I was wondering about maybe breaking it down into babysteps without trying to figure out the bigger problems just yet (like whether you can be together and get married).

    Does he step up? Could you just spend some time with him and practice the tools and expressing in the moment…

    And then in the meantime you can keep processing and working on speeches here….

    In your post I notice a lot of ‘thoughts’ about the situation, and about him, and about you and how you fit in. I wonder how it would feel to focus on your feelings more… Really hone in on them?

    I also get s sense of you feeling guilty maybe, from your post? I see the word should a couple of times and you feeling like you owe him something which to me doesn’t feel true.

    I am a Siren and I don’t owe a man anything… if he is stepping up and taking care of me in a way that feels good I owe him nothing. Time means nothing. Te reward he gets IF he is stepping up in a way that feels good is my company.

    He may be angry, and that is fine to notice it… but don’t worry about his feelings, they are his business, take care and focus only on your feelings to create healing.

    I notice you use the label ‘shallow’ and that feels like a judement of yourself… and that is why we aim to stay away from labels and judgments here, of ourselves as well. I struggle with this too and yet if the relationship was working and easy you would not have felt the need to leave and ‘find yourself’ 🙂

    What you are doing is brave and is a real chance to heal, for you, for the relationship if you so choose and maybe even for him.

    Be supportive of yourself (I know easier said than done sometimes). And don’t worry one iota what anyone else thinks or says or your own NVs.

    You will get there… with or without him and whichever it is will be the best choice… doesn’t need to be made right now.

    Take away the sense of urgency.

    Babysteps and tools.

    You are doing great! Look how far you have come already.

    Hugs Flowerchild! xxx



  61.  #61Senior Lady Vibe on June 6, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    @30: tinque says:
    “… Any other suggestions?…”

    Several colleagues who have had problems with other PDF programs have had success with the free open source word processing program, “Writer.” Apparently its “save as PDF” function often gives better results than “the well-known brand office suite” :LOL:

    I installed the free “Open Office” suite as soon as my Microsoft Office trial expired. I plan to use Writer for ebook creation. I have not heard any negative reports on it.

    BTW, that free software includes an open source alternative to PowerPoint. You might make use of this also in video production.

    Another note: apparently there was a split in open source sponsorship so there are now two versions of the software suite. I downloaded mine before.

    xoxo
    SLV



  62.  #62Senior Lady Vibe on June 6, 2011 at 2:43 pm

    @53: Brenda

    Wonderful news ❗ A very good situation. I’m envious of the air conditioning…
    😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  63.  #63Ella on June 6, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    Just came off the phone with Mr Flaky.

    He actually called me… I was sure he had flamed out yesterday so I felt suprised and still slightly weird/confused/annoyed from yesterday.

    I decided to just be present in the conversation and to practice taking my time and noticing my feelings.

    So I notice I felt quite tense a few times. And I wanted to express and I felt fearful to express myself and fearful of using any FMs after yesterday.

    So the first half of the conversation was very practical and about films and stuff. What I noticed is that after he asked if I was ok about my brother he then talked a LOT about himself and what he is doing, but didn’t really ask anything about me.

    Think he might be a bit clueless.

    And I practiced listening and another thing I noticed is that he seems very negative about a lot of things in the way he talks, and to me that felt like low vibe and heavy and a bit draining.

    And I found myself joining in the complaning sometimes.

    And as he talked on I began to lose concentration and zone out again and I couldn’t focus on what he was saying.

    And the feeling was frustration.

    And this time I couldn’t quite bring myself to say that I felt frustrated or bored. But I didn’t ask him any questions out of politness because I did not feel curious.

    The conversation came to a halt a couple of times.

    Towards the end I decided to express a bit and I said it felt nice to hear from him … pause …. and especially after yesterday, which had felt, well weird!

    He went quiet and then he said there had been some bad news in the family.

    I feel mistrustful. I did not say this.

    Then he changed the subject back to mundane stuff so I took that as his signal he had had his fill of FMs.

    I still wanted to get out that I felt weird about yesterday cus I had felt like a crazy, whiny woman, when really all I had been trying to say was that it feels good when a man follows through on what he says he is going to do, and also that too many texts feel draining to me.

    I feel a bit mad too that he cancelled our date without giving me a reason! Urgh!

    But at is point I felt like I was hanging onto the past so I let it go…

    I expect it will come up for me again to practice and I’ll be ready then.

    I have dealt with men b4 who talk a lot about themselves, and managed to change the whole situation around with a well placed FM, and I find it very difficult with him.

    Anyway, he didn’t seem to want to come off the phone so I said ‘Well it felt nice to hear from you’ (I just had to throw another FM in there, lol… by this time I was almost playing with him a bit, I was feeling playful and more confident in myself and less worried about what he thought) I said ‘I am going to come off the phone and get ready for bed’

    He said, ok well I’ll speak to you again soon. I said ‘that would feel nice’ 😉

    And his tone kinda lifted then…

    I wonder what he is bringing up for me to heal… have a feeling this might be about practicing standing up for myself.

    Maybe about speaking up for myself, even when it is difficult and also keeping the focus on me…

    And maybe some stuff about the vibe of a man…

    I don’t know I am going to keep watching and feeling.

    I feel good about myself.



  64.  #64T-Girl on June 6, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    @ Elizabeth,

    Oooh, Magic Man sounds wonderful! You could hear the happiness and melting in your post!



  65.  #65T-Girl on June 6, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    Lilybelle, wow. Good thing he weeded himself out!!



  66.  #66T-Girl on June 6, 2011 at 3:02 pm

    I spent the weekend with Poker Player and I miss him already. I so want to send him a text and tell him that, but that is my boy energy that wants to send the text. My girl energy is finally taking over and saying no. But my girl energy can tell him when he calls me, right?

    Oh, and I melted when he told me “I’m so happy. Thank you for being in my life.”



  67.  #67Daria on June 6, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    oh how exciting! i just got a phonecall from an exciting feeling man on pof

    AND i was able to say when i felt bad and shaky! woo hoo!

    and he was attentive to my needs and seems so pursuy! yay!



  68.  #68Ella on June 6, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    It has felt good resting today and tonight brushing my hair has felt good.

    I have not had a shower since Saturday (it is Monday evening here) and that is unlike me and I just haven’t felt like it.

    I will have one in the morning.

    I am being gentle with myself and am practicing forgiving myself when the old pattern of eating junk food has come up for me the past few days.

    My Mum’s partner goes in for the heart surgery tomorrow. I feel close to him atm.

    I also feel close to my mum and I am glad she is coming on Friday and I am feeling supported by her.

    I am looking forward to having her input as I come up with a financial plan and also talk to her about the alcohol issues.

    I can’t believe I am going to stop drinking.

    I still feel anxious about coping, esp with stress as the week goes on, and about boredom. I feel excited about practcing the tools.

    I feel excited to see where this might take my life now. Its sure an adventure.

    I intend to practice relaxing, even while working and taking a state of calm with me…

    I also intend to eat healthily again.

    I feel a mix of excitment and nervous…

    Here we go. 🙂



  69.  #69Ella on June 6, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    I was thinking earlier, while I was in the supermarket, that what would it be like if I ate as though I was pregnant.

    What I mean is, if I was pregnant I would be very careful about what I ate and to make sure it was healthy to look after the baby.

    Was just thinking what if I ate as though I am pregnant and then I would be nourishing and taking care of myself, with the same level of care that I would an unborn baby.

    This felt good to me.

    I am going to toy with this idea in my head.

    Nearly bed time here for me…

    Enjoying blogging tonight though.



  70.  #70Daria on June 6, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    YAY for Brenda !!! woow hooo sounds beautiful!



  71.  #71Ella on June 6, 2011 at 3:13 pm

    Hmmm, just remembering something Pub guy said to me at the weekend, in the morning, when he was saying he loved me… and then he said

    ‘What if I can’t find you’

    It was so weird… I don’t logically know what he means however I have a feeling about it… like what if somehow he can’t connect with me…

    Don’t know I can’t be clear on it but I felt sad when he said it.

    Somehow it feels like goodbye to me… I don’t know why and I feel just a little sadness in my heart and my soul…



  72.  #72Lucy on June 6, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    Ella, thank you so much for sharing your insights about the drinking issue around dating. That was very helpful and enlightening for me and I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts and personal journey. I can see even more now that it was really just his issue/boundary, and not personal to me. <3



  73.  #73tinque on June 6, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    thank Susan and SLV for the PDF information.

    xxoo



  74.  #74FlowerChild77 on June 6, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    ((((Brenda)))) I’m so happy for you! You’ve been in my prayer/meditation times. It feels good to know that you are safe and surrounded by people who care about you. It sounds like they are really concerned about your welfare and comfort. I hate the hot weather–makes me feel sickly–so I was pumped to hear you have A/C 🙂



  75.  #75tinque on June 6, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    YAY!!! Brenda…

    xxoo



  76.  #76Daria on June 6, 2011 at 3:27 pm

    omg i am just realizing that i am an AMAZING woman and how could anyone not like me!!

    but i’ve been picking all the wrong types of men because i’ve been feeling SO scared of marriage and intimacy

    omg



  77.  #77Ella on June 6, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    Hmm, I feel disappointed that I had a junk food couple of days again…

    Thought I had healed that… oh well, I ate junk food and I still love and accept myself.

    I totally love and accept myself.

    xoxoxox



  78.  #78Daria on June 6, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    Ella – i feel concerned! staying away from FM’s is NOT the ticket here!

    keep expressing your feelings! please!! not thoughts/judgements

    but real feelings

    try saying in your head,,, “i feel…” find what you feel and reformulate a response

    this is CRUCIAL to your vibe

    if the man leaves, then that is part of the practice!



  79.  #79Daria on June 6, 2011 at 3:34 pm

    think: “express, not impress”



  80.  #80FlowerChild77 on June 6, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    Ella,

    How wonderful that you got to practice feeling messages with him anyway. I know what you mean about people who only talk about themselves and don’t seem to want to know anything about us.

    The only thing about eating as if you’re preggers is that usually women know they’re going to gain weight anyway, so they don’t think about calories, etc. We used to joke about how it was a good reason to eat fun stuff because we were ‘eating for two’ 😉

    Thinking of the nutrition aspect is a smart thing–and also how we tend to take better care of ourselves when we’re pregnant. I wouldn’t have thought of that one… You’re a smart, yummy cookie!



  81.  #81Daria on June 6, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    “I still wanted to get out that I felt weird about yesterday cus I had felt like a crazy, whiny woman, when really all I had been trying to say was that it feels good when a man follows through on what he says he is going to do, and also that too many texts feel draining to me. ”

    “i’m feeling insecure about our conversation yesterday. i feel afraid of being judged about expressing myself, and it feels very important to me to be able to share my feelings honestly… what do you think?”

    “i noticed i felt kinda scared when i got a text instead of a call, a man who does what he says is important to me… and i feel unsure if that’s something that will come up in the future in other, more critical situation… and i don’t want to judge you…i feel really attracted to you and i’m feeling kinda distant and scared”

    i’m thinking about this too… i have a guy who calls me but not when he says, and i’ve been kinda not bothering to say anything cuz i haven’t really cared… but i do also notice i feel kinda scared that he won’t be a follow thru type of man…



  82.  #82Ella on June 6, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    Daria re 78 and 79,

    No, I don’t want to saty away from FMs… I just notice that I find them extra hard to do with him cus of his reactions to them…

    And it triggers a fearful feeling in me…

    I’m not stopping, just babystepping.

    xoxox



  83.  #83Ella on June 6, 2011 at 3:52 pm

    “i’m feeling insecure about our conversation yesterday. i feel afraid of being judged about expressing myself, and it feels very important to me to be able to share my feelings honestly… what do you think?”

    This is true and would have been perfect… No sure if I would of got over my fear enough to say it though.

    “i noticed i felt kinda scared when i got a text instead of a call, a man who does what he says is important to me… and i feel unsure if that’s something that will come up in the future in other, more critical situation… and i don’t want to judge you…i feel really attracted to you and i’m feeling kinda distant and scared”

    This not so much for me… I don’t feel scared about getting a text instead of a call, just confused and annoyed really. It feels better to me when a man does what he days he will do… I like the bit about whether it could come up in a more crucial situation, and also the bit about not judging and being attracted is always good 😉 (not sure if I was feeling attracted at that point though.

    My challenge here I think is to keep expressing, esp as I find it so hard with this guy.

    xoxoxo



  84.  #84Ella on June 6, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    Time for bed Sirens.

    I am feeling tired!

    Sometimes I wish I could just blog as my full time job!

    Lol. xx



  85.  #85Ella on June 6, 2011 at 3:57 pm

    Daria @ 76

    I hear ya!

    And yes you are an amazing woman!

    xoxox



  86.  #86Daria on June 6, 2011 at 3:58 pm

    Rori has a new LOVE SCRIPTS PROGRAM!!

    i’m feeling so excited!!



  87.  #87Daria on June 6, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    Ella – I don’t feel scared about getting a text instead of a call, just confused and annoyed really…It feels better to me when a man does what he days he will do…

    can you look under this… whats under the confusion and annoyance? why do you feel that way? what’s being triggered

    I feel surprised.. it’s not fear that he’s not a step up guy?

    is it just, i feel turned off ?

    why does it feel better to you when a man does what he will do ?

    **
    my purpose here is to get under the control/judgement

    “because that’s what i WANT him to do” thing,

    and go deeper to explore how it makes you feel and what’s going on, so that the blame can drop away

    im feeling concerned that i’m gonna come off triggering here… let me know if you want me to back off and take it a lil softer or not comment on this



  88.  #88Lily T. on June 6, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    #87 Daria

    “my pupose her is to get under the control/judgement”

    “and go deeper to explore how it makes you feel and what’s going on, so that the blame can drop away”

    I REALLY liked the way you wrote that. 🙂



  89.  #89Island Girl on June 6, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    Lilybelle @31
    Sorry, but I almost lol’d when I read that — it just says so much about him and Nothing about you or how fabulous you are. (and you are fabulous, make no mistake about that)
    Probably not particularly siren-like, but if someone were to have said that to me, I might have just start laughing, thanked him for making it so easy and left. 🙂



  90.  #90Dawn on June 6, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    Hi Ladies., Ive always felt that ignoring someone was in itself a form of abuse. Its come up a couple times here lately and It feels icky.It feels bad to me to have to expend my energy on an act that is so negative .Isnt ignoring someone just another way of stuffing feelings ? Is this Rori speak ? I cant recall!?



  91.  #91LonePlum on June 6, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    Brenda

    Alleluia! May you find some peace and rest. xxx



  92.  #92Lily T. on June 6, 2011 at 4:54 pm

    #90

    Maybe it depends on the reason something is ignored? Maybe the person who doesn’t answer doesn’t feel she has anything to contribute? Or doesn’t want to participate in a discussion she finds negative – the walk-away tool?



  93.  #93Daria on June 6, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    Dawn – I feel a bit confused… well a feminine tool is indeed that we can walk away and we don’t have to answer unless it feels good

    are you meaning when a man ignores us? it can be something we don’t want, or it can only seem that way due to our insecurities

    i feel curious about the details!



  94.  #94Daria on June 6, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    yes as Lily T says, I wonder what is the context?



  95.  #95Dawn on June 6, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    Lily T ., Thanks ! I will look for that tool !



  96.  #96Daria on June 6, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    thanks Lily T I feel glad you liked it YAY 🙂



  97.  #97T-Girl on June 6, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    I think the context may be the discussion where someone was ignoring an ex at work?



  98.  #98Daria on June 6, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    omg this pof thing is making it feel so much easier to receive from men

    ok so the guy i met last night, super handsome, but i feel insecure aroudn him… when i say that he says “don’t act like that” and he asked me “do you have low self esteem?”

    i feel kinda disconnected from him, like unsure of myself like he’s watching me floundering around and is kinda distant

    i don’t feel connected to his heart, i don’t feel safe

    and i feel afraid to express that, because i can’t quite put my finger on it, other than that i feel this distance

    and i feel sad 🙁

    then another guy called me, and he was excited to meet me, but then launched inot a soliloqui about how he feels nervous and doesn’t want to be stood up, etc , i said i felt high maintenance, and he GOT it and turned it around and said oh ok i get you now aww… i can handle that, ok i will make time to see you

    aww

    not to mention exciting and step up man from this morning’s convo

    plus i already have a date set with step up man from last night’s convo

    for tonight! yay



  99.  #99Daria on June 6, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    i am starting to notice that i’m not feeling as put off by guys’ looks

    and this is after 2 dates with a guy who was completely flat non attractive!

    yay me!!

    im super opening

    i don’t even care that this guy doesn’t look so handsome

    i just feel curious about him and whether he’s a step up man!

    wow!!!

    wow Daria wow!!



  100.  #100Daria on June 6, 2011 at 5:05 pm

    my morning exciting man has sent “a slab of beef” as a gift to me on POF … lol!!!!!!!!!!



  101.  #101Dawn on June 6, 2011 at 5:07 pm

    Daria, It was brought up in the context that a siren was ignoring someone she dated at work. It felt odd to me because she referred to how she treated the other co workers and ignores the guy . Curious as to another way to handle that situation. I would feel better to treat him as just another coworker and just ignore the fact we dated. I dont date the guys at work just for this reason . It would feel uncomfortable. just wondering today about it .



  102.  #102Femininewoman on June 6, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    RE 53 Brenda I feel happy to hear you are safe and taken care of. You are so brave.



  103.  #103Daria on June 6, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    Dawn – Rori says we don’t have to be particularly nice or friendly to the men we dated that we feel bad about

    i feel unsure…

    if this man triggers her to feel bad whenever she sees him, then not giving him any attention might be the way to go

    civil yet not necessarily friendly



  104.  #104Dawn on June 6, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    Ok . That feels better, explained!



  105.  #105Daria on June 6, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    Dawn – what’s key is No pretending…

    no pretending i don’t feel bad

    if he comes up we can make it short

    or if he initiates convo about it i could go with saying something “i still feel bad when i see you, i still feel shaky… i would feel appreciative of some space… i realize that we work together and so would like to be civil doing so, but i don’t want any more interaction than necessary”



  106.  #106Island Girl on June 6, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    Hi Brenda- I’m so happy that you have found a safe place! ((Hug))



  107.  #107Lily T. on June 6, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    101 Dawn,

    Yeah, that would feel awkward to me too.

    But maybe in this case ignoring him was something she needed to do as part of her healing? I don’t recall the post.



  108.  #108Lily T. on June 6, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    #100 Daria,
    Slab of beef??!!! Up’s the ante from candy and flowers. LOL!



  109.  #109DE on June 6, 2011 at 5:23 pm

    Gosh, i feel triggered as of now…:(

    I feel judgmental…annoyed…kind of pissed off 🙁

    Pouty lips…tense shoulders…stiff neck…pain around my temples…

    My girl wants a self-pitty party…my boy wants to fix the “problem(s)” around dating, finances, logistics…

    My girl feels jealous of women with more time on their hands to date and work the tools…without the stress single mothers have…arghh…*

    My boy reminds his girl how cool she used to be when she would wear his hat interacting with men…dates were simple, fun…not showing she gave a fuc*k about emotions brought success…and now, using FM…men back off …my girl sure feels confused…tired…feeling too much…she wants to sleep…she is tired of crying and going out on dates…making “stupid” convers…

    My boy wants sex….lots of sex…lots of fun…doing a rotation in men like she used to …my girl feels scared…

    Gosh, what a walking fricking contradiction…

    They say “when in doubt…add wine”…so, my boy is now serving my girl wine…hope they figure it out…:(



  110.  #110Dawn on June 6, 2011 at 5:23 pm

    In that respect feelings arent stuffed! Awesome ! I was feeling bad for her .



  111.  #111Dawn on June 6, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    I guess it felt sort of opposite to me. Usually the harder I try to ignore something the more I think about it.LOL



  112.  #112Lily T. on June 6, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    111. Yeah lol. But sometimes if I ignore a particular situation it really does go away. Or my attitude improves. Or both.



  113.  #113Lercomari on June 6, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    I have trouble with my boy. I have depression and I admit this part is challenging for me. Though I’m reading books and trying to do what I can to get my life on track.
    I realize I’ve been working on my girl a lot…love, feeling, affection, receiving…I don’t have a huge problem with that but it’s the majority focus of my life. The logistical part..the part my boy should be handling…I’m not living my dreams. It’s hard to be depressed.
    That explains a problem I’ve been having. Whenever Techie cancels a date or is not online for our nightly video chat, I go all to pieces. I feel so weak and disappointed whenever he doesn’t follow through and I just feel like curling up on the couch and hide from everything. I feel awful that he has this effect on me.
    It should be up to my boy to pick ourself up by our bootstraps but he’s really weak right now. It’s so hard to have depression. 🙁



  114.  #114Lily T. on June 6, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    Lercomari,

    Are you getting any medical/ counseling treatment for your depression?



  115.  #115Femininewoman on June 6, 2011 at 6:03 pm

    Lercomari are you aware of what codependency is?



  116.  #116Femininewoman on June 6, 2011 at 6:18 pm

    RE 63 Ella when guys talk a lot about themselves I take it that they are trying to impress me and get me to like them.



  117.  #117LonePlum on June 6, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    46: FlowerChild77

    ***He always made sure there was money in the bank for the mortgage/insurance/repairs/property taxes–and I paid for most everything else. ***

    I am not sure I understand.
    Does it mean you paid for his life during 12 years, you paid his food, soap, water, electricity, heat, electical appliances, the objects we regularly buy for a house, for a garden, etc… in short you paid for his life 12 years and he did not pay anything for your life during 12 years?

    Which allowed him to pay during 12 years what it takes to own the house.

    ***There are only 5 more yrs left and the house will be paid off. (He’s very responsible about money.) ***

    Are both your names on the property papers? Do you own half the house ?

    xxx



  118.  #118Senior Lady Vibe on June 6, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    @84: Ella says:
    “…Sometimes I wish I could just blog as my full time job!…”

    You could if you wanted to. 😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  119.  #119LobbyStar on June 6, 2011 at 6:37 pm

    Today I walked by my crush and looked at him until he looked back. I smiled, he smiled, and then he nodded a hello to me.

    It works!



  120.  #120LonePlum on June 6, 2011 at 6:40 pm

    I’ve read a few posts on the previous thread about orgasm and G spot.
    Here is a very simple straight the ‘point’ explanation.
    Have fun 😉
    http://masterful-lover.com/blog/deep-spot-orgasms/the-official-deep-spot-video/

    xxx



  121.  #121Izzy on June 6, 2011 at 6:48 pm

    I have a practical problem. I agreed to be a girlfriend a week ago and next Sunday is my new boyfriend’s birthday and also “Valentine’s Day” here in Brazil. He will be 31. I’ve been being the girl and letting him know what I like that I don’t have any idea what to get him for his birthday. What would be a good gift for a guy I am starting to know? Any ideas?



  122.  #122DE on June 6, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    Izzy:

    Wow… awesome congrats 🙂

    Well, i would write some cute small cards that would give different gifts and he can redeem them as he wishes 🙂 :

    one for “1/2 hr massage” at his choice
    one for “sex” at his choice
    one for time with the boys…lol

    so, anytime time he wishes, he can claim his “gift” card 🙂

    i had fun with those in the past…hope u do too 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  123.  #123DE on June 6, 2011 at 6:54 pm

    LonePlum:

    That was indeed very informative…:) Thank you 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  124.  #124Lilybelle on June 6, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    53:

    Brenda! I feel SOOOO relieved for you and your furry friends.

    So Relieved! Good things are happening!

    ~Lil



  125.  #125Lercomari on June 6, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    @Feminine Woman 115,

    I’m not going to counseling or taking medication right now. I was seeing a therapist at one point at a charity, but even the small payments were too much for me. A few years ago I would have gone to the mental health department for help but California’s budgets have been cut so deeply that they can’t afford to help me anymore.
    I don’t take medication because I don’t have health insurance…I applied for state health insurance but the application process has gotten very drawn out.
    So it’s left to me to figure out how to help myself. I’ve read some helpful books but it’s still hard to cope with.
    I wikipedia’d codependency when you mentioned it. 🙂 The word didn’t occur to me until now, but I think from what I read, I am codependent on Techie. I’ve been trying to hide it from him. But I don’t know how to be anything else, I realized. Along the same vein I’m always trying to help everyone around me more than I try to help myself. It’s just a habit I’ve gotten into.



  126.  #126LonePlum on June 6, 2011 at 6:58 pm

    123 DE

    Enjoy 🙂

    xxx



  127.  #127Lilybelle on June 6, 2011 at 6:59 pm

    65″

    I know, right?

    I have to be honest with you and tell my Siren friends that I later decided to drop another FM on him

    He blocked me. 🙂 I’m sorry but I think it’s darn funny. I suppose, not very Siren-like but I don’t really want to go to what “he”may have been thinking or worry about his wounded pride.

    Game, Set, Match.



  128.  #128Lilybelle on June 6, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    89:

    IslandGirl!

    I don’t blame you one bit for wanting to laugh out loud. It was unbelievable.

    Thank you for saying such kind things…

    I am really okay with this and my NV’s only came out for a second and I sent them packing. 🙂



  129.  #129Femininewoman on June 6, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    Any habit can be unlearned a babystep at a time. My brother always say “inch by inch everything is a cinch”. Please bear in mind that codependency can be a relationship killer. I would read up as much as I can about interdependence and slowly move toward that, where you could develop a healthy balance.



  130.  #130Femininewoman on June 6, 2011 at 7:05 pm

    RE 127 I feel your confidence girl



  131.  #131Femininewoman on June 6, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    I checked out the link LP. Very informative



  132.  #132DE on June 6, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    Lilybelle #127:

    Darling, that’s my kind of girl 🙂 He end up blocking u after more FMs?!!! lol…i feel “inspired”…lol Love it!!!

    Warm hugs,



  133.  #133Elizabeth on June 6, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    31. Lillybelle

    Awww….I don’t like what that guy said to you…

    it’s the stuff of insecurity on their part, lots of times

    The guy I saw on Saturday for the first time, at one point said, in an uncomplimentary, rude way,
    “Hey, you’re not gettin’ any younger, baby!”

    He said some other things that sounded kinda dicey to me, like he was trying to get a reaction.

    I really did not want to give him the satisfaction of reacting, and didn’t think he was really worth even practicing feeling messages with. Because it’s like this: I just met you, I don’t know you or care enough about you to be hurt by your comments to me.

    Anyway, a few minutes later, I said something about not wasting my time on just hanging out and “going with the flow”, because “I’m not getting any younger, you know” and he did a double take at that! haha

    yes, aren’t we fortunate that these kind weed themselves out and we don’t have to feel bad about it or ourselves!

    xoxo



  134.  #134Lercomari on June 6, 2011 at 7:11 pm

    @ FW 129,

    Thanks for the advice and helpful reminder.



  135.  #135Elizabeth on June 6, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    53. Brenda

    SO HAPPY for you!! It sounds like a wonderful place!

    xoxo



  136.  #136LonePlum on June 6, 2011 at 7:17 pm

    127: Lilybelle

    lol
    Do tell, please 🙂

    xxx



  137.  #137Lilybelle on June 6, 2011 at 7:17 pm

    130:

    LOL! It might help that I just got back from a meeting with TallHandsomeCDDude who was tripping over himself all day with wanting to meet me. I agreed and he is pretty amazing.

    Actually, I felt pretty confident even after the rash emails today that I got from FreakoutDude.

    I was nervous..still am, in a good way. Kept it short and sweet although, I did go over the one hour. I liked him, he is smart, masculine but not in an overly aggressive Alpha male type masculine, was a gentleman, opened doors, walked me to my car, didn’t try to swab my throat, and is IMing me as I type this.

    T-Girl~ he appears to be a List Man.

    He didn’t freak out with any FM’s I said, he leaned forward when I leaned back and I really liked him. We had a ton of shared interests..freaky almost.

    And actually, it doesn’t hurt to look at him ONE.BIT. He wasn’t afraid of looking me in the eye.. I did that alot..look him square in the eye and not avert my eye look. It was easy and comfortable.

    This was good.



  138.  #138Elizabeth on June 6, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    55. Rosa

    Thank you….he’s a gentle soul, and so much fun, sounds like he has very good values and character traits, things important to me.
    He could just tell that I was still kinda getting over the last one, so he will be gentle with me and let me take my time. Meeting him restores my faith in the whole on-line dating game!

    Here’s to no more imaginary relationships for us!!
    Salut’!

    xoxo



  139.  #139Lilybelle on June 6, 2011 at 7:23 pm

    133:

    Thank you, Elizabeth.

    Really? You aren’t getting any younger? Oh hell no, I’m getting better.

    So happy that they really do show who they are right away….in most cases. 🙂



  140.  #140Elizabeth on June 6, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    57. Ladybird 🙂

    64. T-Girl 🙂

    Thank you for your nice thoughts!
    They are appreciated here.

    xoxo



  141.  #141Elizabeth on June 6, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    139. Lillybelle

    ….in most cases….

    is right!

    I also didn’t mean I never use feeling messages with new guys, in fact I use them in the on-line emails when we are getting to the “I want to meet you” part…i’m having a great time practicing them, and the response has been very good!

    yes, me too….getting better !!!

    xoxo



  142.  #142Lilybelle on June 6, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    132: DE~

    Naw, I didn’t get a chance to use anymore FM’s on him, he blocked me so I couldn’t send him a reply. What does that tell you about him? It tells me exactly what kind of man he is. So not worth my energy.

    136:

    LP~ The FM’s I wanted to drop on him were not very Siren-like so I was happy that he blocked me. 😉



  143.  #143DE on June 6, 2011 at 7:36 pm

    Lilybelle:

    Oh, I thought u did 🙂 or that’s what i understood 🙂

    To me, i would thank the Universe for saving me from any more abuse 🙂

    I love it with people they show their real face early on…:)

    With players though is a different story…the only way one can outsmart them…is really knowing yourself, having strong boundaries…and very often knowing how to outgirl them (hence using Feminine messages) cause they often exhibit very feminine tendencies…forcing our boy to “fix” the issue(s)…

    Warm hugs,



  144.  #144T-Girl on June 6, 2011 at 8:15 pm

    Yay Lillybelle for TallHandsomeCDDude. He sure sounds like a real gentleman and that is great that he is IMing you so soon after your date!

    I have to put in one more plug for the book The List since I just recently finished it. The book’s premise is how to tell if a guy is going to ask you to marry him in 30 days. Well, that isn’t the outcome that I expect of any man, especially since I’m not ready to marry anyone that soon, but the book sure did help me see the crumbs I was accepting from men and was a real eye opener. Funny, my friends were trying to tell me that but I didn’t believe it until I saw it in print. Hmmm.



  145.  #145FlowerChild77 on June 6, 2011 at 8:36 pm

    #117/LP This is why I want to see if he has any thoughts about ever being married. I can’t do anything about the past and it wouldn’t really matter if it he buying the house or paying rent somewhere.

    It’s complicated, but I went through some serious health problems and couldn’t work for several years—nothing—no income–no insurance. He did it all, paid for my doctors, prescriptions, all our living expenses.

    Over the years, we each did what we could (he has more money–he pays for the expensive stuff—he knows how to fix things/repair cars—I know how to cook–he mows the property–I take care of the gardens and beds–a team.) I expressed my concerns for myself in the second last paragraph of my post/#46….about my investment (emotional and otherwise) and thinking about my future.

    My son is here from California and I’ve got a lot to do. I love visiting with my kids and grand kids. I’m sure I’ll have a lot to catch up on by the time I come back! 🙂



  146.  #146LonePlum on June 6, 2011 at 8:37 pm

    125: Lercomari

    Duty dating, or Cdating as called here, can heal you from codependency.

    xxx



  147.  #147FlowerChild77 on June 6, 2011 at 8:50 pm

    So, it’s my boy who figures out what I’m trying to do and how to put together my feeling messages?

    Does my boy ask my girl what she’s feeling? Who composes the FM? Does the same one who composes the message tweak it? (Sorry–I’m just really trying to understand this.)

    I see what you mean, SLV, about switching hats back and forth very quickly! 🙂



  148.  #148Turquoise3 on June 6, 2011 at 9:08 pm

    Hi sirens!

    Brenda, so happy to hear about your new living arrangements. Hope it works out for you!

    I bought myself some new bedding today, was on sale… nothing super expensive, but fresh and new… I like it! I also bought myself a great new bathing suit and a gorgeous black sundress with pink flowers. I love it, ultra feminine. I’m really feeling into dresses lately 🙂

    I’m off to bed… things here are good, my ex flies out to Afghanistan in the morning, girls got to skype with him tonight, so they were happy. Mike and I are still talking daily, making plans to see each other soon, and I’m thinking will spend a night together next week while the girls are at camp. I can’t wait to have a whole night with him…. mmmmm 🙂 Our chemistry is amazing, but our conversations and the openness between us is even better. It’s going well! I need to stop giving him suggestions though… he’s open about his emotions, concerns, needing a job, etc. and it’s a normal reaction for me to try and fix it.

    Tomorrow,… no fixing… just openness, understanding, and maybe I can throw in a, I feel confident that you’ll figure things out. ??? Anybody have any suggestions?



  149.  #149Ella on June 7, 2011 at 1:25 am

    SLV re 118,

    I feel curious,

    How could I earn money from that?

    xoxoxo



  150.  #150Daria on June 7, 2011 at 2:49 am

    Lobbystar – it might not work if you are ‘chasing him.

    It works better to do the 5 second look when you notice a man noticing you



  151.  #151Daria on June 7, 2011 at 2:50 am

    Or I could be wrOng! He did say hello first!



  152.  #152Daria on June 7, 2011 at 2:54 am

    Tonight with my date while I was with him at the club

    I was havIng intricate thoughts and reliving scenarios with other men

    I felt surprised to notice that



  153.  #153Daria on June 7, 2011 at 2:56 am

    It’s like I was ‘ignoring’ my date, my thoughts were drifting

    And other men were trying to catch my attention and I felt tightened up

    I felt scared my date would leave me if I talked to other men



  154.  #154Daria on June 7, 2011 at 2:59 am

    So many other guys reminded of exes of mine and I felt caught in the headlights and opened up to my pussy locking eyes with them

    Which felt scary that date would get his feelings hurt and turn on me

    Feel scared man will be mad at me for men liking me

    I live me for writing this



  155.  #155Daria on June 7, 2011 at 3:03 am

    Flowerchild – yes your boy asks your girl what she’s feeling

    He can help figure out how to best express what she’s feelIng (sometimes, after you Stop an old behavior like blame )

    Sometimes the girl expresses like Uhuh Mmm.

    I dono



  156.  #156Lilybelle on June 7, 2011 at 4:05 am

    119:

    I know from first hand experience how very difficult this it. Ignoring him was the only way I could keep myself from crumbling up in the fetal position in the middle of the hall until I healed some more. I couldn’t NOT go to work and I couldn’t cry all day at work either so I chose the next best feeling for me and that was ignorance.

    Those were tough days but I did the best I could, walked with my head held high and didn’t end up in the fetal position at work..I would, however, slip into the bathroom for a good five minute sob.

    Ugh. I want to hug me for enduring all that pain.



  157.  #157Mel on June 7, 2011 at 5:16 am

    Ok ladies…

    During this difficult “coexisting” period where everything is tense and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells, I feel like I need some advice for sticking up for myself. I’ll give some examples of things that are bothering me, and perhaps some of you might have a good FM for how to deal with it.

    Eye rolling. (this drives me NUTS! SO disrespectful!) Sometimes I think he doesn’t even know he does it, but this is a huge trigger for me. This morning, I tried the “I want” phrase. “I want to be able to have happy conversations. I want to feel like what I have to say is important.” But he just rolled his eyes at me in response. Yuck.

    Ideas?



  158.  #158LobbyStar on June 7, 2011 at 5:31 am

    150. Hi Daria!

    I have seen my crush looking at me in the past, and he always seems to find ways to be in my path, so I suspected he might be interested, and after last night, I’m fairly certain he is!

    My other crush is the same way. But the last 2 times I saw him, he initiated the eye contact and the hello! Very exciting!

    I work with the public in a large store and have 600-700 coworkers! Many guys at work have crushes on me, so I’m told. Making eye contact and smiling is actually part of my job, so I’m guessing that most guys think I’m 5 second flirting! lol



  159.  #159Dawn on June 7, 2011 at 5:31 am

    Mel, Im unsure of the “I wants”. Feels pushy and thinking to me.Feeling messages like I feel unheard when you roll your eyes or a happy conversation would feel good to me. The I wants can make them think you blame them if not used in the right context.



  160.  #160Lilybelle on June 7, 2011 at 5:37 am

    157:

    Mel~ It seems that you clearly stated your desires when you said “I want…”. The eye rolling is hugely disrespectful and I would say something along the lines of:

    I don’t want to be treated with disrespect (stating boundaries) and it feels better to me to be treated with respect.

    I would then use the walk away tool.

    I imagine more experienced Siren’s can tweak this to be more effective.



  161.  #161Mel on June 7, 2011 at 5:52 am

    Hey Dawn,

    You probably don’t know all of the history… but for me, at this point in the relationship “I wants” are appropriate because I need to be able to express my boundaries very clearly.



  162.  #162Mel on June 7, 2011 at 5:59 am

    This is what I ended up with. Not perfect… but I feel good about it.

    “I’m sorry for being b!tchy at you this morning. I was just feeling frustrated because I actually have a lot of interesting things to tell you about my day yesterday and some cool things that happened. But I feel like maybe you’re not interested. I feel unimportant. I miss being able to talk to you on the phone during the day. I miss being able to talk about stuff while we’re getting ready. I miss seeing you smile at me while we talk about our days. I just miss conversation. I want to be able to share happy stories with you as well as frustrating things and just feel like you understand me. “



  163.  #163Lilybelle on June 7, 2011 at 6:05 am

    Mel~

    Are you discounting how you felt about being disresepcted and “letting him off the hook” for his poor behavior towards you with this?



  164.  #164Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 6:16 am

    Mel have you heard about Dr. John Gottman? Eyerolling is one of the things he talks about.

    I would start the message with what I remember from the good times and what used to make me happy. Then I would apologize and say I miss and how I feel. Then what I want. I always think it is more effective starting up with some appreciation of him and what he does. That puts things in a positive context first.



  165.  #165Dawn on June 7, 2011 at 6:17 am

    I feel old and forgetful! Lilybelle is right on the money. Dont discount how you feel or stuff it. It will come out in other ways .



  166.  #166Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 6:23 am

    RE 163 Lilybelle I believe the fact that Mel is married changes the dynamic a bit. They live together so a harsh start up or criticism will put her directly in a position for more disrespect. Two wrongs don’t make a right and as an adult in my opinion it is best to be mature, regardless of what the other person is doing as long as there is no physical harm. I believe she can share how she felt more effectively with softness, maybe crying, rather than with harshness.

    I agree, the right way would maybe to spew all over him but how would that affect the big picture. What is more important is what I ask. That he feels her anger or see and feels how it hurts her and understand the pain it causes? I believe if she is harsh it shows she can fight back like a boy.



  167.  #167Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 6:27 am

    I believe it was on this blog I read, maybe Orna Walters whose husband broke her heart. She started crying right in front of him, told him she never thought he would ever break her heart with her hand over her heart. Then said “excuse me I have to go take care of myself”. She locked herself in a room I believe for the afternoon and just cried. He was ready the next day with something for her and made a commitment everyday for the next month to do something as a gesture of apologizing to her.



  168.  #168Lilybelle on June 7, 2011 at 6:30 am

    166:

    Ok



  169.  #169Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 6:31 am

    Please remember this from the Foundation of How to Express Yourself to a Man

    You start by sharing that you feel so many things. That, as a woman, you are an “emotional creature.” That being an emotional creature feels important to you.

    You share that some feelings you feel – feel childish to you, some you don’t like at all and you feel embarrassed sharing – and yet you’re now feeling that the most important thing with all the pressure and challenges you face as a couple is absolute total honesty. Total sharing. Total not holding back.

    That when you don’t acknowledge and express what you feel, you start to shut down emotionally.



  170.  #170Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 6:34 am

    Lilybelle I am sorry if I come across as contradicting you but I am sensing that with the switching of the hats the girl would be crying, maybe even running away from the presence of disrespect and the boy would be fighting. I hope that Mel will allow her intuition to lead her and make the best decision for her situation.



  171.  #171Dawn on June 7, 2011 at 6:37 am

    FW, I agree with the softness. It feels better . It feels like moving forward to me . I felt that way when I replied to Mel.



  172.  #172Lilybelle on June 7, 2011 at 6:50 am

    170:

    I hope Mel does too.

    Have a great day.



  173.  #173DE on June 7, 2011 at 6:54 am

    FW #170:

    Yes, yes, i agree with you…awesome insight!!!

    Warm hugs,



  174.  #174Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 6:57 am

    Softness is something I am learning. My comfort zone has been fighting but after a while it becomes tiring and it feels awesome when a man steps up to fight on my behalf. I feel for Mel and wish things would work out. I believe she can stand by herself no matter what even if it means totally melting down. The anger can be constructive, the challenge is to find the best way to use it so as not to let him off the hook. Maybe when he is open to hearing her and I believe he would have to indicate that then it would be great time to really share the anger. Throwing it at him when he is not ready for it could cause him to defend his ego and masculinity. I don’t believe a real man will silently allow a woman to destroy his ego.



  175.  #175Dawn on June 7, 2011 at 7:04 am

    FW , Rori has spoken of sitting on her kitchen floor and melting. I couldnt find the eloquence to desribe it the way you did. The feeling messages seemed a good place to start.



  176.  #176Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 7:18 am

    RE 175 I have read it, maybe in an email. Eloquence?



  177.  #177DE on June 7, 2011 at 7:18 am

    FW #174:

    I love your wisdom 🙂

    I agree, he must be ready to hear her anger…:(

    Mel’s situation reminds me of mine years back…in my case, what made me keep my cool/mouth shut though was that I feared him…not being able to express though…i really shut down all the way…i lost any interest in being/trying to be with him.

    There is a lot of build up tension between the two of them…I sense that being right fits both agendas instead of doing the right thing…which comes off as stubbornness…competition…Mel is in “his” territory…I would step “out” of it…No man would ever listen to u as long as he sees u as his competition…

    Mel’s note to him (sorry Mel, but this is my take) shows to me she has not soaked into her feelings…which is to go behind the anger and frustration and one can find a lot of fear…for different reasons…fear of losing everything u had, fear of starting over, fear u can’t find someone better, fear of being alone, fear of what others judgement…etc…

    The note seems “winny” and “bitchy” to me…:( Sorry Mel, I hope I don’t offend u :(…

    Warm hugs,



  178.  #178Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 7:23 am

    DE I totally agree with with everything in 177 except the last line. Around that I feel fear and wanting to crawl away, maybe even cringe. I am wondering what is there for me to heal? I feel teary eyed about it.



  179.  #179DE on June 7, 2011 at 7:28 am

    FW:

    There is something to heal around that statement too 🙁

    My ex used to say that to me…:( Hmm…U right!!!!

    Warm hugs,



  180.  #180DE on June 7, 2011 at 7:37 am

    Tinque:

    My profile seems to have success and attract fewer, but better suitors; yet I noticed a lot of traffic…lol I feel happy that it is placing big questions in men’s mind…are they really ready for love when love is calling? 🙂

    Thank you so much to u and everyone else who helped me …

    Tinque, also, two guys would like to learn more about u statement “a man heals through a woman’s heart”…what would u add to that? would you offer counseling to men? would you allow me to refer them to u site?

    Warm hugs,



  181.  #181Dawn on June 7, 2011 at 7:37 am

    Eloquence. I do feel new. Your writing appears to come to you effortlessly and I appreciate your phrasing, words chosen. I know what I want to say but at times its hard to find the right words. Your a very well read siren .



  182.  #182Kyla on June 7, 2011 at 7:38 am

    I am away from home touring with our production. This has been the most fun project I’ve ever worked on. I love everybody involved and as I’ve been working along side R I am getting lots of practice switching boy / girl! These last 2 weeks I’ve noticed some things that I’d like to share.

    There are 8 men and 4 women on this tour (that’s including me and R). Whenever we are on a break (in the pub, a restaurant, in our accommodation or just relaxing in a park) I seem to be surrounded by men! They all seem to be drawn to me and I’ve noticed many, many times they are around me in a circle all looking at me, smiling at me, trying to make me laugh harder than the others 🙂 It seems great and I’m literally doubled over laughing with tears running down my face at times!

    When I’m working and in ‘boy’ mode and R or one of the other men ask me can they help or offer to do something for me I try to instantly switch to ‘girl’ mode and receive. Its not that easy but this is great practice and I feel good letting them carry boxes for me and run errands when they offer instead of doing everything myself.

    One of the men went to the shop and offered to buy me a drink, it was a long walk from where we were setting up. When he came back he realised he’d forgotten my drink and his face fell and he started to insist on going back for it. I smiled and said ‘aw its ok hon’ and the next thing I knew he was sprinting down the road back to the shop lol!

    R is noticing all the attention I’m getting and seems to love it! He has mentioned loads of times that everybody is in love with me, the men are all attracted to me and how could they not be? and the girls love me too and he says he’s noticed the way both the men and women all look at me in almost admiration. I make everyone feel great when they are in my company. R is more attentive than ever. On Saturday night we had a big party and he did not leave my side all night. No matter where I went or who I was talking to he would be there. He said later he knew I was tense around my friend and he wanted to make sure I was happy and comfortable all night 🙂 We’ve been very close and deep and open with each other and talked a lot about us, moving abroad, the future etc.

    I am having one problem though and would love advice on it. 2 of the women are very warm towards me and we get on great. The other 1 of them (the friend I had the misunderstanding with 2 weeks ago) has been behaving in a way that is making me feel very uncomfortable. I am trying to stay warm and friendly with her but feeling very tense. She is being passive-aggressive, consults with R when she should be consulting with me, seems to be purposefully trying to keep me out of the loop, when the men are talking to me she gets in the middle and tries to convince them to go elsewhere with her, she avoids making eye contact with me and when R is standing beside me will direct all her conversation to him as if I was invisible. Now she’s been friends with R for years so I’ve never had a problem with their friendship but she’s acting possesive and flirty with him now and at the same time acting cold towards me. That makes me feel uncomfortable around her. An example is I was moving a box and cut my leg. R immediately took the box off me and examined my cut. My friend put her arm around R and asked was HE ok and when he said I’d hurt myself she hugged him and said ‘oh ok, will you help me over here’ and walked away without looking at me. I don’t really know what to do about this so when I feel uncomfortable I excuse myself and go somewhere else and talk to someone else or go about my work professionally. If anyone has suggestions I would really appreciate it.

    Anyway, besides my friend, I’m really enjoying myself. I’m getting lots of practice leaning back, being vulnerable, using feeling messages, switching hats and most importantly I’m feeling happy and having fun.



  183.  #183Dawn on June 7, 2011 at 7:40 am

    You are a very well read siren. I wish Id stayed in school ! LOL



  184.  #184Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 7:43 am

    This came from Rori’s latest email

    “I’m going to tell you something that might not feel very good at first: the words you use with a man DO have the power to push him away and create pain in your relationship. That’s right, something you say can spell the difference between whether he turns to you and listens…or he backs away completely.

    But here’s the very good news: your words also have the power to bring a man closer to you than you EVER thought possible – to mesmerize him, captivate him, wow him, and make him do anything to see you happy. With just a few chosen words, you can start an argument…or you can avert one.

    You can make a man give you the cold shoulder…or you can watch him melt in front of you.

    You can make a man ignore you for days…or you can have him calling you so often, you want him to stop.”



  185.  #185Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 7:49 am

    Dawn reading is one of my passions. I believe we can continue that even after school. I’ve borrowed a lot of books from the library on relationships, including audio books and have learnt a lot. John Gottman, John Gray, Gay Hendricks, Arielle Ford, Emotional Intellingence by Gray, Power vs Force, Feminine Psychology to name a few. Relationships is a fascinating subject for me.



  186.  #186Dawn on June 7, 2011 at 7:50 am

    FW, How very true!



  187.  #187Kyla on June 7, 2011 at 7:50 am

    Oops I didn’t realise my post was so long!

    If anyone has advice for the 2nd last paragraph of post 182 I’m open to suggestions and comments.

    Thanks 🙂



  188.  #188Dawn on June 7, 2011 at 7:55 am

    I read alot when I was younger. Hmm ? I can see a trip to the library in my future! thanks for the book titles. Im going to check them out ! Pun intended!



  189.  #189Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 8:01 am

    RE 182 Kyla my sense is that she is leaning forward very hard and “mothering” him. She is giving him what he didn’t ask for. She is also showing him that if he is with her he will have to deal with her possessiveness. I don’t believe her coldness toward you is unnoticed by him. Though it is a professional situation my sense is that you are outgirling her and she feels it. I would continue doing that. The attention from other guys like bees around honey could bring up his competitive spirit and guys can only focus on one thing at a time. I would not compete with her. Plus in the big scheme of things the trip will be over soon. If I was going to share anything I would share how I feel if he flirts back with her in front of me. Just be careful not to make up stories.



  190.  #190DE on June 7, 2011 at 8:04 am

    Kyla #182:

    Wow…gosh, I had those experiences a few times with different women 🙁 Awful feelings…

    This is a great opportunity for u to riff about it…here on the blog, or in front of a mirror…

    If I were u, I would stop being “uncomfortable”…and I will begin feeling the “anger” inside me…I know I would feel angry, betrayed…heck mad…I would stomp my feet…do a vampire scream…

    I noticed once I release the anger, I feel better…and my vibe changes, thus the energy…

    Warm hugs,



  191.  #191Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 8:09 am

    Kyla I love what DE says in 190. That is bringing the focus back to you and your feelings and the only thing you have control over.



  192.  #192Kyla on June 7, 2011 at 8:23 am

    Thanks FW.

    I haven’t noticed him flirting with her or anyone although he is naturally charming with everyone and you are right it hasn’t gone unnoticed by him and he has less time for her as a result and has commented on her actions a few times. I don’t feel competitive with her but feel really icky and tense and irritated at how competitive and cold she’s being with me. We got on so well and we’re so close up until I told her I was moving and then the misunderstanding and I’d really like to be able to get back to that if possible or at least be able to civil? I can feel my stomach clenching every time she enters the room and I’m having to sink in to my feelings and process and put my attention to people and things that make me feel good or practice walking away. I feel closed off to her and don’t want to feel that way. I feel tightness and annoyance.

    Should use feeling messages with her too when these things happen or am I better off trying to remain warm and open and just move away when things feel uncomfortable and find something that feels better?

    I feel Icky. I have always seemed to trigger jealousy and competitiveness in other women and this is something I want to heal. It feels good to me to connect with and appreciate and admire other women for their femininity and strengths and I don’t want to trigger a negative response from them.. I feel curious if her coldness towards me is because of me or because of R’s lack of attention. If it’s me then I want to be able to mend that..



  193.  #193Kyla on June 7, 2011 at 8:27 am

    Hi DE,

    I did that in the car 3 nights ago. I was driving by myself and felt really triggered by lots of things she’d done that day. I sunk into the anger and rage and screamed and yes it did help! The knots and tightness definitely eased up and I felt more authentic.

    Thank you! I will try more of that 🙂



  194.  #194DE on June 7, 2011 at 8:31 am

    Gosh, I just realized…

    I perceived Mel’s note “bitchy”…cause my energy is sure “bitchy” today…:( People are our mirrors…

    I know why…I been avoiding dealing with some difficult matters…i feel afraid of the intensity surrounding the issues(s)…yep…:(

    i really have to work on it today…sinking in…then some eft …

    yucks…i still have to go to work though first 🙁



  195.  #195Dawn on June 7, 2011 at 8:41 am

    DE, I wouldnt have sent that note either and Im not feeling bitchy. It just didnt feel right to me. Dont be so hard on yourself!



  196.  #196turquoise3 on June 7, 2011 at 8:46 am

    Mel, I agree…. not sure what he’ll do with that information. I remember my ex saying he didn’t want to hear those things from me, that I loved him or missed him. It actually made him stressed because he couldn’t say it back to me. Pushed him away. I don’t think you need to start a fight, but I do think you could say that you don’t appreciate the eye rolling.

    I just told my ex yesterday that it seemed like he could only be nice to one woman at a time. That when Jen was around, he was snappy with me, and I didn’t appreciate it. He said it wasn’t true, but then apologized if he’d sounded abrupt.



  197.  #197Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 8:54 am

    Kyla you only have control over you and your feelings. You can reframe your thoughts around her and yes remove yourself. I am not sure I would say anything, she also has to be receptive to that for it to be received well. I would recommend you look through Rori’s articles on Other Women in His Life.



  198.  #198turquoise3 on June 7, 2011 at 8:59 am

    Sometimes I don’t think they realize their non-verbal cues, or even that we take their tone the way we do.

    I know when I hear myself talk to my kids sometimes, I feel ashamed of myself for sounding so pissy. I don’t mean to take my day out on them, but ocassionally, it does happen. Maybe your husband doesn’t even realize, or he does, and feels bad about it…. but you are so good at taking the blame, he doesn’t feel a desire to apologize or make you feel better.



  199.  #199Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 9:06 am

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/difficult-situations/page/3/

    Some excerpts I sense might help both Kyla and Mel

    Basically, a man will never fall in love with a woman who “comes to his aid.”
    A woman who “helps” is not seen as a romantic figure. He will stick with you until you see him through, and then dump you when he’s feeling better.

    She didn’t save him by understanding and making excuses and letting him skate by on his charm and looks and sexiness and ignoring the rest — like all the other women before her, including me, had done.
    She put her foot down! She didn’t beg him or convince him or do those things that AA and Alanon KNOW don’t work with a person in trouble. She just, when she realized how troubled he was…both loved him more than any woman ever had, respected him more than any woman had ever had, and had stronger boundaries than any other woman had ever had.
    She cared more about him than he’d ever experienced – and yet she cared more about HERSELF than she did about him.

    Only, like the “good” woman of my story…she has to love herself more than she loves him. She has to RESPECT him enough to trust that he will get the help he needs. she has to treat him the way she would any other man.
    And Shirley, you have to SPEAK this to him. You have to say…I care for you, I would love to be with you, and I’m not comfortable being your friend or helpmate. I trust you and respect you to get the help you need, so that we can have a relationship that’s in a good place when you’re ready…”



  200.  #200Kyla on June 7, 2011 at 9:06 am

    Hmm I guess I think of her as my friend too, as a separate relationship to the friendship she has with R, rather than another woman in his life. The 2 separate friendships have only really merged/crossed paths on this tour as R and I had made friends with her separately through past projects. I’m concerned with my relationship with her deteriorating and what changed..

    You’re right though, better to stay focused on me and continue moving to things, people and places that feel good to me. That feels best to me right now.



  201.  #201Senior Lady Vibe on June 7, 2011 at 9:10 am

    @149: Ella says:
    “…How could I earn money from that? …”

    Monetize your blog. Rori does. tinque does.

    Start a blog and sell or promote something on your blog web site.
    🙂

    xoxo
    SLV



  202.  #202Mel on June 7, 2011 at 9:23 am

    I didn’t perceive my message as b!tchy. Direct yes. I’m finding that the more I “beat around the bush” he doesn’t get it. I’m finding that clearly stating my needs and wants seems to be working better right now. In a way, it almost seems like he respects me more for it. Like standing up for myself somehow makes him feel better.

    I apologized at the beginning of the message because I snapped at him when he was rolling his eyes at me. I could have handled that differently, so I think it’s important to recognize that.



  203.  #203Mel on June 7, 2011 at 9:32 am

    As for crying in front of him…

    Last time I sobbed for 45 minutes and he just ignored me completely. He then said “I’m going to the gym.”



  204.  #204Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 9:33 am

    Snapping at him will not necessarily cause healing but it seems like the punishment being equal to the crime. Eye rolling communicates contempt.

    Using Rori’s words from 199 Mel maybe you could also start including if you have not already done so:

    “I trust you and respect you as my husband but………………………..I care for you, I would love to be with you, “



  205.  #205Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 9:35 am

    Mel hopefully you know by now that men don’t move easily from one emotion to the next as we do. I would not assign the thought “he ignored me” to the crying. He must have felt uncomfortable with it and wanted to run away is what I would assume. If that is how I felt though, I would continue to do it.



  206.  #206Daria on June 7, 2011 at 9:36 am

    Mel – don’t use I wants yet.

    Be very vigilant to use feeling messages and Dobt wants, exclusively.

    Also, you have to open your heart and body Before you speak. This is crucial because your vibe is what matters.

    I really feel compassion for you in this situation.

    Oh Mel! I so so encourage you to get Roris new love scripts program for relationships.



  207.  #207Mel on June 7, 2011 at 9:42 am

    Daria…

    Wouldn’t “Don’t wants” be perceived as more negative? This feels confusing.



  208.  #208Daria on June 7, 2011 at 9:43 am

    Mel – you’re working too hard with this guy! Really you are a guy who let’s you cry? But, it happens.

    Try to drop back to zero, I say even a note is too much. Too much planning and effort.

    I would drop to zero, initiate nothing, and really really melt. Your feeling messages have to come from a soft vibe.

    Hey, can I help you? I would like to talk with you on the phone so that I can help you practice. I have been coaching DE and it’s been working great, and maybe it can help clarify a couple of things about the tools, feeling message and vibe.

    Would you be open to that? It would help me practice coaching as well. My e-mail is magicgoddessmedicinewoman@gmail.com



  209.  #209Mel on June 7, 2011 at 9:45 am

    Thanks Daria! Maybe tomorrow evening might work. Do you have skype?



  210.  #210Daria on June 7, 2011 at 9:46 am

    Mel – the tool is actually feeling messages + don’t wants.

    Wants are advanced so they don’t come off needy controlling vibe. Tho I think you did a good job on your note overall with that.

    The important part is the ‘vibe’ and here opening body and tone of voice is important.

    Don’t wants don’t cone off negative in themselves, because they show boundaries.



  211.  #211Daria on June 7, 2011 at 9:49 am

    Mel – okay, I have skype yes. Email me so well have each others info. Tomorrow is my bday so I might not be around, but I might… We can do another day if not. Today, thursday, I’m free almost all the time and I can call you on your cell also no problem, I have free long distance and free minutes.



  212.  #212Daria on June 7, 2011 at 9:52 am

    Lobbystar – yay it sounds like you’re doing awesome and have built in CD practice at work! Woohoo



  213.  #213Dawn on June 7, 2011 at 10:03 am

    I was thinking dont wants would be negative or aggressive for the situation . THANKS Daria you are awesome. !!!!!!



  214.  #214Kyla on June 7, 2011 at 10:06 am

    FW I found one of Rori’s posts called friend or foe and she gives the exact same advice to Lisa you gave to me 🙂

    Ok I actually feel a lot better about this now and I have a plan of action for my boy to implement when I feel the tension again – Lean back, take my attention away from the girl and back on to me, use riffing and sinking and don’t give away my power and use feeling messages if I’m invited to share. Yay I feel more confident about this.

    Thanks lovely Sirens 🙂 I love this place!



  215.  #215Mel on June 7, 2011 at 10:15 am

    Wow! Happy Birthday Daria!

    Today for me won’t work out well, but I’ll stay in touch with you and maybe we can figure out something for next week.



  216.  #216Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 10:31 am

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/difficult-situations/page/4/

    Reference above

    Here are 2 symptoms that anger is underground and running things:
    1. Judgment and Criticism – you always feel as though everything you do is being “watched’ and “scrutinized” and “judged.”
    Every time you do anything, he’s ready with a roll of his eyes, a snide comment
    2. Withdrawing
    He’s drifting away emotionally, spending less time with you, there’s less sex, less affection.

    And here’s a small step to the solution: Unearth the anger iceberg by YOU changing YOUR reactions.
    3. Stand your ground.
    Don’t apologize for yourself, explain anything – and do not blame him, either.
    Look him straight in the eye, as best you can. Lean back. You are not attacking, you are expressing.
    What can you expect with doing it this way? All kinds of stuff will come up for you…
    You’ll feel shaky, you’ll feel upset – and you’ll feel ANGRIER than you’ve ever felt! And what’s more…as YOU feel more comfortable with YOUR anger – so will he.
    He’ll start to let you “have it.” He’ll start to let his anger out. And you have to be strong enough to hear anger and experience the ENERGY of anger – AS LONG AS IT’S NOT DIRECTED AT YOU!!
    This means – the moment he turns it on YOU – you say “I’m happy to hear your feelings, even your anger, but I don’t want to feel attacked…” and if he doesn’t change his words and copy what you’re doing (expressing his feelings instead of blaming YOU)…then you must TURN AROUND AND WALK AWAY…!



  217.  #217Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 10:32 am

    Happy Birthday Daria and all the June babies.



  218.  #218Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 10:35 am

    All the best Kyla



  219.  #219Senior Lady Vibe on June 7, 2011 at 10:38 am

    Happy Birthday, Daria… A little early so you get a head start on all the fun… Gee, we have the same birth sign… heehee 😆

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yolLqx6k1OM&feature=related

    xoxo
    SLV



  220.  #220Daria on June 7, 2011 at 10:44 am

    Thank you all 🙂



  221.  #221Mel on June 7, 2011 at 10:49 am

    FW

    Thanks for that last post.

    Interesting… he HAS been expressing a lot of anger lately. Whereas before “nothing’s wrong” now he’s at least telling me what’s on his mind (albeit in a rude way sometimes). Perhaps I should look at this as progress and instead work on saying things like “I’m happy to hear your feelings, even your anger, but I don’t want to feel attacked…” like Rori suggests.

    I think me expressing MY anger is perhaps allowing him to begin to feel his.

    Another reason counseling would be SO helpful. A third party to help redirect us if things get too heated and giving us different ways to communicate. Also getting to the bottom of all of the hurt (on both sides).



  222.  #222Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 10:49 am

    I am feeling excited about Rori’s Love Scripts

    “With Love Scripts, you speak directly from your heart — rather than your head — in order to instantly connect with his heart and trigger a positive response. There’s no guesswork for him, no hiding and pretending for you, no more conversations that spiral into endless arguments. You become team mates rather than opponents, and the process works to forge a strong bond between the two of you that deepens every day. And the more he feels he can make you happy, the deeper he falls in love.”

    “When you speak to a man using a Love Script, you immediately feel confident and grounded, knowing that you are communicating in a way that he can really hear. No longer will you feel thrown off balance or unsure what to say, because you will always be able to use your Love Scripts in a way that feels entirely natural to you and in your own words.”

    “You see, the feelings you think of as difficult for him to hear — like anger and jealousy — are actually compellingly attractive to him… IF you express them the right way. It’s true. Contrary to what you may think, men aren’t afraid of feelings. They actually YEARN to experience feelings with a woman. What turns men off is drama and out-of-control emotions.”



  223.  #223Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 10:50 am

    Mel I think that is worth trying.



  224.  #224Mel on June 7, 2011 at 10:52 am

    Where can I get love scripts? I don’t see it on the products page, and unfortunately I still do not receive the email newsletters for some reason. Is there a link?



  225.  #225tinque on June 7, 2011 at 10:55 am

    Happy! Happy!! Happy!!! Daria. May this special day bring you happy wishes and desires.

    Even though it’s tomorrow, birthdays can last all month, or at least a week.

    xxoo



  226.  #226Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 10:55 am


  227.  #227Tulip on June 7, 2011 at 11:17 am

    Happy birthday Daria, I love gemini women they are so cool my mum’s one. Hope you have a lovely year ahead!
    xxxx



  228.  #228Tulip on June 7, 2011 at 11:18 am

    Hurray Brenda!

    Have been worried about you and your furry friends – enjoy your new home!

    xxxx



  229.  #229Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 11:32 am

    Flower hope you are okay.
    Ann if you are still here, hope you are fine.



  230.  #230Kyla on June 7, 2011 at 11:40 am

    Happy birthday Daria!



  231.  #231Daria on June 7, 2011 at 11:41 am

    omgosh thank you everyone! *blush*



  232.  #232Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 11:43 am

    http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/2835/i-cant-do-it.html

    “He can who thinks he can, and he can’t who thinks he can’t. This is an indisputable law.” – Henry Ford

    No one succeeds without failures, and no one succeeds by saying “I can’t”. Try reading “The Little Engine that Could” and integrate this into your mindset!



  233.  #233Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 11:51 am

    From Bob Grant

    “The truth is that men really don’t care how successful or powerful you are. I’m sorry if
    that hurts, but it’s true. He’s intimidated for another reason. From a man’s standpoint,
    he’s intimidated by someone who has the power to hurt him. A woman can hurt a man if:

    He owes her lots of money

    She knows a secret about him that he fears she will share with others

    She ends a relationship because he was unfaithful

    There are of course other things that could hurt or intimidate him, but please
    understand that being excessively strong and independent are negative things. In
    moderation, men find those qualities quite sexy. Don’t hide behind that idea that you’re
    so confident, powerful, and beautiful that men can’t handle you. Instead, consider how
    often you allow yourself to be vulnerable to a man.

    If you have the belief that “I don’t need a man,” then please stop saying that. It isn’t
    weak to admit to yourself, or others, that you’d prefer to be with a wonderful man.”



  234.  #234Mel on June 7, 2011 at 11:55 am

    FW,

    I’m confused by this:

    A woman can hurt a man if

    “She ends a relationship because he was unfaithful”

    This doesn’t make sense.



  235.  #235Mel on June 7, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    … sorry, just thinking to myself. What do you think?



  236.  #236JennS on June 7, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    Sirens-
    It’s been awhile since I have posted.. been working through the emotions of the “taking a break’..
    I have been feeling up and down here and there.. confident, not.. etc.. I have been leaning way back and still feel sad and a bit angry. I guess my own fault, I thought by now he would atleast make some indication that he missed me or something..boy it just sucks! been atleast 4 weeks..ugh

    anyhow.. I tried something new today.. as I am out there dating a teeeeny bit.. it’s just hard to date when ya just don’t feel the vibe.. but anyhow..
    I sat and drummed up a vision of the perfect man.. inaging him after a few actors/characters I find attractive.. so I found myself actually making a list of the qualities, looks, etc and found my feeling vibe shoot wayyyyy up and felt so sexy and confident that the man I envision will find me!!!!!..
    so.. I wonder if this is a healthy tool or not.. I feel it is helpful.. what do you think??



  237.  #237Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    I guess we can look at cases such as Arnold Schw, Jesse James, and Tiger Woods. At least the divorce payoffs will definitely hurt them.



  238.  #238Daria on June 7, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    Mel – it sounds like, to a man, he is afraid of being left by her… that he would feel hurt

    and he knows that if he’s unfaithful she may hurt him by him leaving



  239.  #239Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    LD I just realized you have posted in a while.
    Also Jilly



  240.  #240Senior Lady Vibe on June 7, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    @225: tinque says:
    “..birthdays can last all month, or at least a week…”

    tinque, mine last all year… ❗ I have a month of birthday then every month, on the number day of my birthday, I have a little celebration. I decided I don’t want to wait for a whole year to roll around. From here on out, I’m taking all the birthday celebrations I can.
    😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  241.  #241Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    JennS In my opinion, developing a practice that works is the best way to go.



  242.  #242Senior Lady Vibe on June 7, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    @236: JennS says:
    “…I wonder if this is a healthy tool or not.. I feel it is helpful.. what do you think??…”

    Yes, I find it helpful, particularly in diverting attraction from someone else. Have you read “Soulmate Secret?” You can check for it at your local public library.

    Figuring out what I’m are looking for in character, personality, world view etc is helpful. The way my soulmate actually will look might be something I don’t expect. I believe Rori says something like stay open and be prepared for surprises.

    😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  243.  #243Daria on June 7, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    yesterday night i was almost constantly thinking of men while dancing with my date

    i remembered the feeling with guywho, a feeling i want in relationship

    i felt SO safe with him in the room, i felt connected

    like i knew someone from “my team” was around, and available in case of something

    i knew this person was in the “in” with me

    and when i saw him my heart would be wide open and i felt

    SAFE



  244.  #244tinque on June 7, 2011 at 1:04 pm

    I like it SLV. Do you get a present too?

    xxoo



  245.  #245Sapphire-n-Jewels on June 7, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    Hello Sirens
    It has been a long time since posting but still read every blog posting from Rori
    I still struggle with the feeling messages and being a girl
    I have been with my partner for two and half years and we are engaged.
    I often find that we are talking about mundane things now, especially when he working away. The
    Conversations on the phone can be difficult as he talks a lot about his day and his work. I not say much about mine and stuff going on at work. I feel frustrated that I can’t express
    Myself with more feeling messages. Have any of you got any advice for sustaining this in a more advanced relationship. I have got several of Rori products and the heart connection toolkit but really struggle when actually talking.
    Best wishes Sapphire



  246.  #246turquoise3 on June 7, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    Happy Birthday Daria!!!

    Happy birthday to you, Cha cha cha!
    Happy birthday to you, Cha cha cha!
    Happy birthday dear Daria, Happy birthday to you!!!
    CHA CHA CHA!!!

    This is Chloe style… my 8 year old… who fearlessly sung the cha cha chas, all by herself at a restaraunt full of people the other night while we sang to her sister’s friend…. 🙂

    Hope it’s a wonderful one!



  247.  #247turquoise3 on June 7, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    Mike2 and I texted throughout the morning, and then this afternoon he sent me:

    Just thinking of you

    I replied: makes me feel warm to hear that 🙂

    Mike2- Wish I could see you.

    Which, I thought was confusing because he’d already told me he could see me today. I said ok and asked what time. He said he wasn’t sure yet and would keep me posted.

    So I replied- Are you still coming over later? you can come watch the softball game with me if you want. (my girls)

    Mike2- What time should I come

    I replied with a time, and he said he’d keep me posted. What do you think that last part was about? He’d already said he’d come… think maybe he thought I just meant later tonight? I feel confuzzled…



  248.  #248Meemee on June 7, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    Happy Birthday Daria
    Hugs
    Meemee



  249.  #249Tulip on June 7, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    I used feeling messages with my ex bf and he said “Forget about feelings and emotions and start thinking logically!” 😮
    I feel more confident they will work with other men though 🙂

    xx



  250.  #250Daria on June 7, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    Tulip – ok, and that happens pretty often! so you can expect it, and then…

    notice how you feel and say so! again…

    “oh that feels bad :(… i feel unheard”

    or “whoa…it feels important to me as a woman to acknowledge my feelings and share honestly, and i’m feeling unheard”

    something like that…

    check Rori’s previous post for inpiration on how to share that it feels important to you to be an emotional creature



  251.  #251Daria on June 7, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    wow thanks ladies! it feels wonderful! feels like my Bday is already started!!

    yum!



  252.  #252Daria on June 7, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    Saphire – since you usually get aksed the same questions.. How are you?

    how was your day?

    write down in feeling messages responses… about 5 for each one so that you’re prepared

    “oh it feels great to be asked… i felt so relaxed today at the computer… it feels like i can breathe and take my mind off stuff… felt so soothing”



  253.  #253Daria on June 7, 2011 at 2:43 pm

    turqoise – it seems like there’s some spillover with you in masculine energy by inviting him over…

    after he waffles in fem energy about “i wish i could see you”

    so a fem response woudl be:

    “wow i’m feeling concerned…are our plans still on?”

    him: i have to check

    me: “okay”

    and then make other plans if anything comes up, without holding the whole day open for him



  254.  #254Senior Lady Vibe on June 7, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    @244: tinque says:
    “…I like it SLV. Do you get a present too?..”

    Yes. But then… I usually give myself presents, on Christmas, Valentine’s Day etc Often they are very little things so perhaps would not show up on your “presents radar.” They could be a kind of fruit juice I haven’t tried before, a movie or book(sometimes from the library) a magazine, a flower or two, a couple of wine glasses from the dollar store… LOL
    😆

    xoxo
    SLV



  255.  #255LonePlum on June 7, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    247: turquoise3

    ***Just thinking of you
    I replied: makes me feel warm to hear that 
    Mike2- Wish I could see you.***

    My read :
    He wished he could see you while you were saying that. He wished he could see you feeling warm while it was happening. He was flirting.
    He was not refering to his visit tonight.

    xxx



  256.  #256Rusty on June 7, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    41: Daria says:

    I don’t want men who don’t put my feelings first.

    ———————————————-

    You are right not to. I would not settle for a woman that won’t put my feelings first.

    However, what happens when there is any kind of disagreement. Some women I have known were simply outraged if and when they didn’t get their way. In their view, a man was simply there to please them, no matter how miserable it made him. he is never allowed to have his way unless it is in line with what she wants. A friend of mine once called this the “Daddy’s Little Princess Syndrome.” In other words she is selfish.

    Any guy who has even a small amount of self esteem, will not stay with a woman who isn’t meeting him half way.



  257.  #257Sapphire-n-Jewels on June 7, 2011 at 4:22 pm

    Happy Birthday Daria
    Make the day special. What are your plans for the day. Dating yourself or out with a guy

    Best birthday wishes Sapphire x



  258.  #258tinque on June 7, 2011 at 4:34 pm

    Oh yes those are totally on my presents radar. fun, fun…

    xxoo



  259.  #259Daria on June 7, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    Rusty, hmm i feel misunderstood… it feels bad to hear about judgements of women, and to hear about the painful experiences of men also, not feeling fulfilled

    I’m looking for a man who is willing to take charge of the leadership of the relationship, and where i can feel safe being the emotional partner.

    I don’t want a man who wants to be met halfway, that doesn’t feel romantic…

    it would feel good to me to have a partner who nurtures my emotions and is willing to take the role of the thinker and decision maker



  260.  #260Daria on June 7, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    thanks Sapphire!



  261.  #261Rusty on June 7, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    121: Izzy says:

    What would be a good gift for a guy I am starting to know? Any ideas?

    _________________________________

    Don’t be too hard on yourself. Likely the guy isn’t even expecting anything and so anything you get will be icing on the cake. If he is a keeper, he will also not expect the gift to even make sense because you are just getting to know each other.

    What I would do is ask him some questions, or do some observing when you are in his home. Look around to see what he is into. Does he have something like an X-Box, or a Nintendo, or Sony Playstation. If so, take a look at what kinds of games he has. Maybe even strike up a conversation about what kinds of games he likes. Do it innocently by playing a game with him. Then ask what his favorite types of games are. Then when you can, if you can, make note of the titles he has. Then go to a store and find out what the newest games are in that genre and see if one of them is one he doesn’t have. This also goes for a PC if he games on his PC. If that is too much, you might just check to see if the store has a gift card that you can put money on and give to him. Just put enough on to cover most of the new titles so he can just pick one game and not have to put money down.

    Is he really into clothes? If so, take him shopping and find something that fits him, and you like on him.

    Is he a car guy?

    The main thing here is to go out of your way to open your eyes to what interests him…and try to find out what his needs are.

    But like I said, I doubt he will be put off by anything you get him. If he cracks a joke about what you got him…don’t take it too seriously. I can tell you that from a man’s point of view, he will not have put too much thought into the joke and would have a lot of regret if he knew it hurt you. In other words, it would be him speaking without thinking at worst, or it might be a way of trying to hide his surprise.



  262.  #262Daria on June 7, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    Rusty – i totally ‘get’ your view about being met half way, and… that doesn’t work for me

    i’m looking for a man who gets the stuff about nurturing a woman’s feelings, and gets that i will be the heart of the relationship

    i totally understand that may not be you!

    but i’ve been around men in this type of dynamic, and it just felt better to me

    so i’ll be choosing out of that pool



  263.  #263Daria on June 7, 2011 at 4:44 pm

    I love being the princess … i feel good being the princess yay!

    I love it when men call me princess, and when i can depend on them

    i felt so wonderful being taken care of by my date at the club…

    and i felt particularly vulnerable and princessy

    like when he didn’t get me the water i wanted and made some comment about the budget

    i felt weird, but i was able to take good care of myself, and then he 100% turned around, and wanted to buy me a drink

    hehe 🙂

    i think he felt triggered for a moment and realized he “messed up” and wanted to make up for it

    which he did!

    awww



  264.  #264Rusty on June 7, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    259: Daria says:

    Rusty, hmm i feel misunderstood… it feels bad to hear about judgements of women, and to hear about the painful experiences of men also, not feeling fulfilled

    I’m looking for a man who is willing to take charge of the leadership of the relationship, and where i can feel safe being the emotional partner.

    I don’t want a man who wants to be met halfway, that doesn’t feel romantic…

    it would feel good to me to have a partner who nurtures my emotions and is willing to take the role of the thinker and decision maker

    _______________________________________________

    I may have been misunderstood also, but then maybe I wasn’t. While it isn’t as romantic, a long marriage does require that you meet halfway. I have known man women who were full of complaints that the relationship isn’t the same 3 years later. We don’t go out as much, he doesn’t do all of the little things he used to..just because…etc…

    Real life intervenes.

    Most men I know do like being romantic but honestly, relationships do go through changes and if a guy gets the feeling he is dealing with a spoiled princess, the change in the relationship will be to leave it.

    I am not saying that is what you are. I am not totally sure because this is the internet and it is not the best way to communicate. Which makes me wonder why so many people love to text. It’s like we went back two centuries to the telegraph.



  265.  #265Daria on June 7, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    yes i do believe a man is there to please me…

    but i feel amazed and soft, and … i guess this is the difference…

    i didn’t feel outraged that he didn’t get me the Fiji water

    i just walked away

    and then softly and politely refused the other water he did get

    but not with the intent to make him feel bad, just the intent to treat myself well

    and i shared with him after that Fiji water is one of my favorite drinks…

    and that if i do feel very thirsty it will feel cool to ask for water inside

    and i simply accepted his decision to not get me what i had asked for, even though i felt kinda distant from him at that point, it was his decision

    and i kept my heart open!

    i didn’t even really have to share that i felt bad, he got it

    and turned around and made it up to me

    aww

    it is cute how men get triggered



  266.  #266Daria on June 7, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    Rusty i get what you are saying,

    and i’m looking for a relationship where ‘real life’ doesn’t intervene… where romance is a priority

    i’m looking for a man who nurtures and loves my ‘spoiled princess’ even more than i do!

    and that may not be all men, but i’ve met lots who do want that kind of relationship … and it’s felt better than other experiences i had in the past



  267.  #267Rusty on June 7, 2011 at 4:54 pm

    262: Daria says:

    Rusty – i totally ‘get’ your view about being met half way, and… that doesn’t work for me

    i’m looking for a man who gets the stuff about nurturing a woman’s feelings, and gets that i will be the heart of the relationship

    i totally understand that may not be you!

    but i’ve been around men in this type of dynamic, and it just felt better to me

    so i’ll be choosing out of that pool

    ______________________________________________

    Two things. I am not totally sure we are talking about the same things.

    I am an ENTJ. TJ’s are the natural leaders and none more so than the ENTJ which is why the nickname for it is “The Field Marshall.” I too prefer to be in a relationship where I lead and she follows. That says nothing about my view of women…it says everything about my personality which is that I feel the most safe, secure, appreciated, fulfilled, etc… when I am leading. That doesn’t just go for women but men also. I look back on my life and realize also that I excelled the most when I was in positions of leadership.

    This does not mean running around like a tyrant expecting everything my way. In a relationship I do try my best to look at the wants and needs of the other person.

    But at the same time, when I say meet halfway, I am not saying to split the bill, or the duties 50-50.



  268.  #268Rusty on June 7, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    266: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Rusty i get what you are saying,

    and i’m looking for a relationship where ‘real life’ doesn’t intervene… where romance is a priority

    i’m looking for a man who nurtures and loves my ‘spoiled princess’ even more than i do!

    and that may not be all men, but i’ve met lots who do want that kind of relationship … and it’s felt better than other experiences i had in the past

    ______________________________________________________

    To that I would say good luck. Real life always intervenes. Romance will not be on the menu every single minute of the day 365 days out of the year.

    I guess I would ask, how long has your longest LTR been and did you find that you had that romance all of the time?

    bottom line is I do much of what you said but real life is real life and sometimes, a man needs a partner, not a princess. A time and a place for everything.



  269.  #269Rusty on June 7, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    What would be interesting is if you took the Meyers-Briggs test to see what it says you are. Then you see which personality types are your best match.

    I was told that eHarmony uses their own form of the Meyer-Briggs, or something very similar, which is why so many people that used it say it just seemed like they fit together from the very beginning…like they had known each other for years.

    The logic side of me is fascinated by that.



  270.  #270Ella on June 7, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    A man might not THINK he wants a Princess, and if he found a real one he might be suprised!



  271.  #271Lilybelle on June 7, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    My vibe/energy is down…again..low. I don’t like this ebb and flow, this up and down of my vibe and I don’t want to feel like I am doing everything wrong.

    I have hidden my dating profiles..essentially stopped trying to CD or Date or whatever it is.

    I feel like I have taken 25 miles backwards.



  272.  #272Daria on June 7, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    i am INFP healer

    I also think the meyer briggs result changes as I transform



  273.  #273Daria on June 7, 2011 at 5:41 pm

    I am definitely committed to be the feminine partner… and while i do that and speak from a heart place… romance will be on the menu the whole time

    That’s what Rori teaches



  274.  #274Daria on June 7, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    Lilybelle – HUGS! I am feeling sad right now too!

    this is normal! this is what is called the “pond is cloudy”

    however its important that you put your profiles back up and keep them up…

    taking a break can lead you to get stuck here



  275.  #275Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    RE 271 Hugs Lilybelle. I have seen Virginia Feingold Clarke recommend that sometimes it is good to take a break because desperation can set in. Take the break to recharge your batteries, sharpen your saw.



  276.  #276Daria on June 7, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    dang am feeling bummed this other guy i felt excited about is saying all these assumptions and stuff that don’t feel good

    it’s like a do-over of husbandman a few days ago

    wtf!

    how did i get there with them?

    back up



  277.  #277Daria on June 7, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    Lillybelle- Rori says to NOT take a break from dating, that is going to work against you here…

    what’s happening is your subconscious is coming up to run you!

    you want to feel what you feel, but keep up those profiles!



  278.  #278LonePlum on June 7, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    Tulip 2149

    It depends.

    Sometimes a person lacks logic which causes her/him to feel unhappy feelings. This happens to men and women.

    Before you express your feelings, check the thoughts that create these feelings. Check that you are being rational and fair, and that you are not being dramatic or narcissistic or minding somebody else’s business .
    Also check that it is a real feeling and not a judgement.

    For example, I can’t feel unheard, because I can’t *feel* what others hear. Even if what they hear is my voice, I can’t feel it. And I have no way to know what the other person heard.
    I might feel frustrated or disconnected by his reaction to my words, but not unheard.
    I *think* he does not hear me. Which is not about me and rather disrespectful of the other person’s ability to hear. It is a judgment based on an assumption.

    Another example: a man goes on a week end with his male friends and the woman feels abandoned.

    ____She tells him “I feel abandoned”
    It is most probable he will tell her to think logically, hopping she can feel better once she sees the situation rationally.
    It is her interest to rationalise rather than let the nvs run unhappy emotions trough the body. It produces cortisol and it is a threat to life in the long term.

    He is a man and men used to bound in groups originally, and nowadays they share week ends, hunting trips, golf, etc…. He is not abandoning her, he is taking care of himself. And it is only a couple of days etc…
    He is not gladly hearing that he is abandoning a human being.
    It is false and disrespectful.
    And it tells him she is not taking care of herself.
    A woman who loves herself does not feel abandoned when her husband is away on a week end.
    He will try to fix, by advising her to think rationally, hoping it will make her feel better.
    And he will walk away because she chooses to feel bad, it is her choice not his. He can’t do much about it.

    ____Or she says in a loving voice « I will miss you»
    There is no drama underneath, which is different.
    He will probably hug her and tell her the week end will not be long.

    It is the drama underneath, which sounds like he should feel guilty for living his life, or saying what he said etc…that makes men ask women to think rationally

    And then there also are cases when the man really dismisses the woman’s feelings.

    It really depends.

    xxx



  279.  #279Rusty on June 7, 2011 at 5:52 pm

    ______________________________________________________

    INFP
    Skilled communicators
    Often idealistic
    Harmony in relationships is important
    May not be able to get their own needs met
    Excited by new ideas and possibilities
    Creativity is important; artistic activities
    Don’t tread on their values- they will bite you
    Under stress: can become outwardly critical of others

    Best types for a relationship: ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ
    Possible types for a relationship: ISFJ, ESFJ, ESFP, ISFP, ENTP, INTP
    Least likely types for a relationship: ESTJ, ISTJ, ESTP, ISTP, ENTJ, INTJ
    Percentage of the US population: 4-5%

    Note that none of the best types, or even possible types for relationships are “natural leaders.” This may be the source of some of the problem. You want a TJ that acts more like an FP or FJ. I would say that is going to be very hard to find. Not impossible though. Remember that the results are 0 to 60 either way for each letter. So T60-0-60F. I think you need somebody who is very close to 0 on both the T and J.

    Here is mine.

    ENTJ
    Good at analyzing and bringing order
    Logical
    Big picture thinkers
    Energetic planners and builders
    Value competence and intelligence
    Hold themselves to high standards
    Confident and assertive
    Under stress: may become hypercritical of themselves and others

    Best types for a relationship: ESTJ, ISTP, ENTJ, ENFJ, INTJ
    Possible types for a relationship: ISTJ, ESTP, ENTP, INTP, INFJ, ENFP
    Least likely types for a relationship: ESFJ, ISFJ, ESFP, ISFP, INFP
    Percentage of the US population: 3-5%

    Notice that those types with an F tend not to be real well suited for an ENTJ. Only the ENFJ is basically #4 on the list and that results from the other 3 letters being the same. I think the reason for this is that because they both think basically the same, there will be a lower chance of the ENTJ hurting the ENFJ’s feelings since the ENF is likely to understand the ENTJ more than other F’s.



  280.  #280Daria on June 7, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    the feeling bad and burntout is actually a GOOD thing!!

    so celebrate it! yay!

    your “stuff” is coming up to be felt, and as you feel it, you heal!

    then the pond will clear and you will feel better than before



  281.  #281Daria on June 7, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    Rori very often uses “i feel unheard” as a valid feeling message

    what’s important is that it comes from a heart communication vibe



  282.  #282Mel on June 7, 2011 at 6:02 pm

    You were right Rusty! He was up to no good on the interwebs. 🙁



  283.  #283Rusty on June 7, 2011 at 6:06 pm

    282: Mel says:

    You were right Rusty! He was up to no good on the interwebs.

    _______________________________________________________

    This is bittersweet news. I am sad for you that this turned out to be true. I am glad that you found out now and not a few years down the road and a child now involved.

    If you don’t mind my asking, what exactly was he up to?



  284.  #284LonePlum on June 7, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    281

    I am aware she is under the impression it is a feeling message .

    xxx



  285.  #285Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    RE 249 Tulip I keep using it with guys who say that type of thing to me. I am an emotional creature and I will not change myself for them.



  286.  #286Rusty on June 7, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    Daria, correct me if I am wrong but I believe that you and many women here do use internet dating sites to meet people. Ever thought of trying one that uses the Meyers-Briggs? I ran into one once when I was searching for info on it. Found it by accident. People were just posting on a board much like this but they would footnote each message with their personality type.

    If I got back into dating, I think I would try it. After my professor was able to tell me about me as if he had known me all my life, I knew there had to be something very legit about the Meyers-Briggs.



  287.  #287Rusty on June 7, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    Lilybelle, I do believe that the guy was just lashing out. I’ve seen both men and women do that in this type of situation. It must be some sort of self protection mechanism.



  288.  #288Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 6:15 pm

    RE 245 Sapphire she just came out with Love Scripts that seem to address that kind of thing.



  289.  #289DE on June 7, 2011 at 6:23 pm

    Lilybelle:

    Big warm hugs…:( I feel that way often…and taking a break is taking care of me…like resting…:) It’s all good 🙂

    What would make u feel good this moment or this evening?

    Warm hugs,



  290.  #290DE on June 7, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    Daria:

    Happy B-day Goddess Daria!!! Beautiful loving thoughts and future for u my darling 🙂

    Te imbratisez,



  291.  #291Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    RE 278 Loneplum that makes sense to me. I have never resonated with I feel unheard or misunderstood. The first time I got I felt misunderstood here, it translated in my mind as blamey with a “you” included.



  292.  #292LD on June 7, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    FW,

    Thanks for thinking of me! I am having computer issues and every time I come on here to post, my computer has been freezing up on me. Working on getting it sorted out though and have a lot of catching up to do!



  293.  #293T-Girl on June 7, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    Lilybelle, what happened? Didn’t you have a great date the other other night?

    I do remember feeling that way also after I was disappointed in certain CD’s that I had. I would take my profile down and then put it back up again. Then the e-mails would start coming in again and build me back up.

    I also recommend Meetup.com for meeting new people.



  294.  #294T-Girl on June 7, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    Happy Birthday Daria!



  295.  #295LonePlum on June 7, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    271: Lilybelle

    huggs

    *** I don’t want to feel like I am doing everything wrong.***

    What makes you think you do everything wrong? What happened?

    xxx



  296.  #296Femininewoman on June 7, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    Hey LD. Glad to know you are still here. Hope it works out.



  297.  #297Rusty on June 7, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    BTW, ladies, I have a theory I developed on my own, though I am sure I am not the first to think of it.

    I was in a discussion about men and women being picky and a woman said that there was no way women were more picky than men because even men who are total losers think they are studs while women with a lot going on for them often doubt themselves.

    I realized that she was confusing the subjects. Then I thought, no…she is onto something but totally misreading it. In fact, she totally validated the notion that men are less picky than women. In fact, they are programmed to be that way. Another part of their biological programming lends itself to this thought also.

    See, they have done experiments with speed dating where they gave each man and each woman survey forms that they would fill out after each encounter. They were to judge their interest in the other person as a possible mate, and judge the other person’s interest in them as a mate.

    It turns out that men and women see things differently here and that is totally due to the woman’s biological programming. See, women were very good at judging the guy’s interest in them, but men were straight out horrible at judging the interest level of women. Turns out that is for a reason. See, a woman has to be very picky. She has one egg (typically) at a time. Basically, she has limited reproductive capabilities. She can typically produce only one child a year. A man is only limited by opportunity in his ability to produce offspring. He could literally father a few thousand children a year.

    So biologically it is to his advantage to just make his interest known and see who responds. The shotgun approach so to speak. A woman tries to be the sniper. She is looking for just one guy, and thus she is looking for the absolute best guy available to her. It makes total sense biologically. Thus, yes, she is more picky about everything. But by hiding her interest level, and in fact appearing more interested than she is, she doesn’t burn bridges. In other words, she measures a guy up, but makes no form commitment as she continues to measure other possible mates. She doesn’t want to burn the bridges because she may have to “settle” for one of the guys she met earlier and rejected. In fact, it isn’t rejection, but more of having been put on hold while she made sure that there was not a better candidate available to her.

    So how does this work into what this woman had said? Easy and this is my theory. The woman is looking for the best guy she can. For her, she zeros in on a top prospect and if she is rejected, it cuts at her self esteem. She could have tons of guys after her but that matters not. She is judging her worth on the ability to get that guy she sees as “top shelf.” A man, because of his biological programming sees himself as successful in the mating game if he gets any woman that is acceptable to him.

    I once saw an show where they had interview a bunch of couples that had made it long term. What they discovered was that when asked this one question, “Was he/she your ideal type” the men typically answered yes and the women typically answered no.

    They took this to mean that women were more likely to be less picky. I think they have it backwards. I think what it means is that they are pickier, but that what they were after was not available to them. It goes back to that thing I mentioned above. The man actually has lower expectations and thus he has a higher chance of actually finding someone that he will end up calling, “my ideal match”



  298.  #298Izzy on June 7, 2011 at 6:35 pm

    Thank you DE and Rusty for the suggestions!

    This guy was cheated on a while ago and haven’t been able to get over it. He has been avoiding relationships since. So I feel very special that he felt like being in a commited relationship with me. I also feel extra careful because of his jealousy. He has told me that he has a problem and that he knows it is his stuff. So I think he really wants it to be over. He asked me today if I think therapy would help. So I think it is something that can be solved. I really don’t want to feel controlled.



  299.  #299DE on June 7, 2011 at 7:12 pm

    Lilybelle? # 298?!!!!



  300.  #300Mel on June 7, 2011 at 7:16 pm

    Rusty,

    He has a profile on at least one dating site. Says it’s just fantasy. Is this even possible? I’m thinking it’s more than that. Even if only in the “thinking about it” stage.



  301.  #301T-Girl on June 7, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    300 Mel,

    I’m not Rusty but to me it is so much more than a “fantasy”. It is a deception that he was hiding from you. Does he still have the profile up?

    I’m sorry if this is coming out wrong or if I sound one-sided but it just brings up so many triggers for me about what I went through in my marriage. I’m not saying yours will end the same.



  302.  #302LonePlum on June 7, 2011 at 7:53 pm

    256: Rusty

    ***Some women I have known were simply outraged if and when they didn’t get their way. In their view, a man was simply there to please them, no matter how miserable it made him. he is never allowed to have his way unless it is in line with what she wants. A friend of mine once called this the “Daddy’s Little Princess Syndrome.” In other words she is selfish.

    Any guy who has even a small amount of self esteem, will not stay with a woman who isn’t meeting him half way.***

    That’s what they are called and you are right, real men do not stick around.
    Hear what Dr Pat Allen says about it.
    http://jimhallowes.com/DEMO-SixSecrets.html

    xxx



  303.  #303Nita on June 7, 2011 at 8:26 pm

    Hi Rori…do you know of that film “what the bleep do we know?” that talks about Quantum physics? its awesome I love it it talks about how our thoughts are so powerful they create the possibilities in our lives. I thought about that with the stuff Ive learned from you. that working inside ourselves is what creates the relationships with others and of course our romantic relationships. I feel curious, intrigued by this concept because it seems like many religions hint to this, meditation, miracles, prayer, etc. Its an exciting concept and Ive noticed how in your visualization exercises it points to this to. Its a way to create…our own possibilities! i also wonder why dating has been difficult..why am I creating this reality? hmm i wonder how to be true about my own intentions..what do i want because if I really wanted something it would show up wouldnt it? but then why do I think so much about a great relationship yet its not happening I wonder if i have some deep issues that Im not even in touch with…i feel a little concerned for myself. why is my reality the way it is good in many areas but in finding my match such a difficulty…I still feel some hope in the thought of creating our reality



  304.  #304Nita on June 7, 2011 at 8:34 pm

    wow i think im figuring it out…if my boy and girl energy still needs work why would I want someone right now if I can barely complete me first. Ever since i was little i always wanted to have things organized and planned step 1, step 2, etc. and I feel like im trying so hard to develop my self I wont allow anyone in until its done but…thats the whole thing in relationships its to develop it with someone else. So I must take a risk and allow others to help me develop me as I do with them…instead of feeling like Im a project that must complete itself..i probably am making no sense..
    I feel scarred how can I trust? How can I let someone in? ive always been a loner my own friend.. why is that..i also like feeling like a girl but just at a distance..a date nice company and then bye so that i can daydream about my crushes and keep it to myself ugh why?



  305.  #305Emerson on June 7, 2011 at 8:42 pm

    #9 @ SLV…aww that picture is soo cute!!! Love it.



  306.  #306LonePlum on June 7, 2011 at 8:50 pm

    A little gift for Rusty
    Tell the Misses I said hello and Merry Xmas 😉 🙂

    http://masterful-lover.com/blog/deep-spot-orgasms/the-official-deep-spot-video/

    xxx



  307.  #307LonePlum on June 7, 2011 at 8:52 pm

    lol sorry, I meant “The Mrs” 🙂
    I wrote it phonetically

    xxx



  308.  #308Daria on June 7, 2011 at 8:54 pm

    Thank you de and t-girl



  309.  #309Daria on June 7, 2011 at 9:00 pm

    Feeling message is a Rori tool and thus under her copyright – as a coach I have to credit Rori when referring to ‘Feeling Message’ as a tool – it would be certain that she would be under the impression that the words she uses for her tool that she created are correct.

    I want to feel sure other sirens reading here are able to have access to accurate Rori information on Rori’s blog.

    So I will do my best to point out Roris way and teaching when conflicting info comes up.



  310.  #310LonePlum on June 7, 2011 at 9:03 pm

    lol



  311.  #311Daria on June 7, 2011 at 9:06 pm

    I am feeling cranky and down… Grr

    And transformerman called and it would feel exciting to get my nani ate

    But am feeling all vulnerable and low and cranky and afraid of him

    I havent returned his call yet



  312.  #312Daria on June 7, 2011 at 9:07 pm

    Loneplum I feel angry being laughed at.



  313.  #313LonePlum on June 7, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    303: Nita

    ***do you know of that film “what the bleep do we know?” that talks about Quantum physics? its awesome I love it it talks about how our thoughts are so powerful they create the possibilities in our lives ***

    Right on ! That’s what DR Pat Allen calls it « quantum mechanics »
    http://jimhallowes.com/DEMO-ArtOfRelationships.html

    xxx



  314.  #314Senior Lady Vibe on June 7, 2011 at 9:50 pm

    It helps to have a sense of humour.

    Everywhere. 😆

    xoxo
    SLV



  315.  #315Emerson on June 7, 2011 at 10:09 pm

    Daria! Happy Birthday. 😉

    Re: 281, I actually used that phrase with a man “I feel unheard”…after he postponed our plans (first date) and I expressed my disappointment. He tried to play it off and said “these things happen” …he was very flippant.

    After I used that particular feeling message, he kind of switched it around and his reaction was kind and a pleasant surprise. He really wanted to reschedule and see me again, but I lost interest after that. Nevertheless, I got to practice the feeling message and see the result!



  316.  #316Emerson on June 7, 2011 at 10:11 pm

    *see me again…I meant reschedule to see me another time, I never actually met him…just to clarify.

    Lillybelle!!! Oh I’m sorry that guy was so rude and insensitive!! Like the other sirens were saying…your tools are weeding the wrong ones out…but sheesh!!!! He was harsh. None of those things are true, you are an amazing siren and beautiful with a lot to offer, but words like that sting a bit anyway. YUCK~



  317.  #317Emerson on June 7, 2011 at 10:24 pm

    When I go out with “older” men that are more than five years older than me….

    I feel weird and like I want to cry and run away and go home and be alone.

    I feel so strange and like I want to cover my face and not talk or hear them talk!!



  318.  #318Daria on June 7, 2011 at 11:16 pm

    Just got back from cd with a step up guy!

    So different than guys I’m used to, wow . He likes country music and is from buffalo, and he’s cute!

    Yay and a gentleman

    It felt challenging to use feeling messages and not get into a intellectual discussion, but I did well… And he seemed to flip it back to him masculine when the energy did start shifting



  319.  #319Daria on June 7, 2011 at 11:19 pm

    Thanks Emerson!

    Thank you everyone! Soon it will be midnite Snd my birthday!!! Woohooo



  320.  #320Dawn on June 8, 2011 at 1:28 am

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARIA !!!!!!!!!!!



  321.  #321kaitlyn on June 8, 2011 at 2:58 am

    Adam and I have been getting closer. Slowly. I’m letting him lead at his pace, I’m using feeling messages, and I expressing appreciation.

    I was apprehensive about his ny invitation to me because after 6 months of no contact on both our parts, I felt it was too much, too soon for our first reunion. I wanted to wait for him to come here next month for our first meeting as he originally planned.

    Finally, I told him. I feel so proud of myself. All my friends said ‘no. don’t. just blame it on work if you don’t want to go. you’re revealing too much of yourself to him if you do it your way.’

    Screw them. I did it my way.

    I called him back like he’d asked me to and after 10 mins of convo, he brought up ny. See? Once again, I let him lead.

    I used feeling messages to say what I just said above about feeling ‘no’ on ny for our first meeting after so long. He was offended at first and said he had to get off the phone.

    10 mins later, he calls back and says he understands. I thanked him and…

    Me: I feel appreciative that you understand me. I miss you, and I’m gonna feel so happy to see you next month.

    A: That will be cool. And I’m surprised you still like me.

    Me: Well, I sure do. And what you just said feels so good to hear.

    A: It sucks my trip keeps getting postponed and you can’t come here first.

    Me: I know. But I’m proud of you for taking care of your projects. And after your Cali trip, then I’ll come to ny.

    A: Yes. I’d like that.



  322.  #322kaitlyn on June 8, 2011 at 3:07 am

    Forgot to tell you all, when he asked ‘what do you mean too much, too soon?’ I said:

    ‘I feel worried that it’ll create too much pressure and what if it makes us get into an argument? I’d feel devastated if it did.’



  323.  #323kaitlyn on June 8, 2011 at 3:08 am

    Daria,

    Happy birthday!!!!! May your cake be lit with blunts.



  324.  #324Lily T. on June 8, 2011 at 3:26 am

    Beautiful job Kaitlyn. 🙂



  325.  #325Lily T. on June 8, 2011 at 3:27 am

    Happy Birthday Daria! May this be the best year for you yet. 🙂 🙂 🙂



  326.  #326Rosa on June 8, 2011 at 3:47 am

    From e- harmony site

    Here are four bad dating habits you may have picked up along the way.

    1. In too deep
    Many of us will be able to identify with the early days of a new relationship when you just can’t get enough of each other. You are infatuated and commit to each other emotionally and sexually.

    While there’s nothing wrong with this initial approach, it’s how you handle those feelings after the early days that will dictate the health of your relationship. No couple can maintain those intense feelings forever, and it’s after the ‘come down’ that will show how you really behave in a relationship.

    2. Picking up the pace
    Relationships that speed through important events such as that first kiss or the first time you say ‘I love you’, are often the product of insecure or overeager partners.

    Think about the pacing of your last few relationships; have these events all happened promptly? And were you always the instigator? Remember that there’s nothing wrong with taking things slowly, your partner isn’t going to vanish. And if they do, they’re not worth your time.



  327.  #327Rosa on June 8, 2011 at 3:48 am

    3. Sticking to a certain ‘type’
    It’s common to hear people say that someone is their type, but often they have little concept of what lies beyond the fact that they like blonde hair or sporty people. The fact is, by sticking to a type we restrict ourselves from other potential partners or become at risk of repeatedly falling for a ‘bad type’.

    Think about your past relationships, are there consistent negative traits in the people you’ve fallen for? If so, carefully consider your next potential partner. Chances are, if they share the traits of your previous partners, this relationship could end up the same way.

    4. Choosing partners with similar family backgrounds
    Do your previous partners have similar family backgrounds? Our families shape the people we become, and if your previous partner came from a broken home, or had bad relationships with their parents or siblings, then you should try and work out if that contributed to the problems with your relationship.

    Of course we can’t choose who we fall for, especially based on whether their parents were divorced or not, but you may be subconsciously choosing a certain type, and preventing your chances at happiness.



  328.  #328Rosa on June 8, 2011 at 3:54 am

    The Same Type interests me.
    I realised this week when i met a CD, that i was attracted to “The Magician ” type.

    These guys are charming , interesting, very verbal show men,with a great line in “patter”, emotionally aware and happily discuss feelings. They are also fly-by -night , deeply and secretly insecure and prone to financial instability. The main reason they dont suit me is that they do a great disappearing act!!!

    I have been with 2 such in year long relationships in my life , but they were insubstantial and unpredictable , felt like I was walking in shifting sand.

    The new CD was of that “type” , and definitely attractive…but my radar is going off:)



  329.  #329Lilybelle on June 8, 2011 at 4:02 am

    Firstly~

    Happy, HAPPIEST Birthday of All to you , Daria. I hope you have special, fun, beautiful things planned for yourself today!

    I am like SLV~ I purchase gifts for myself for all occasions and celebrate my birthday the whole month of September. I should start once a month too, I like that idea.

    My vibe and energy being so low it’s off the charts is really caused from MeanOlderDude who totally ripped me a new one. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that after it happened I was fine but AFTER my NV’s snuck in there, WHAM, I suddenly started thinking about how the men who are interested in me are OLD, Toothless, pictured with FISH and wifebeaters, long, greasy haired men and worse that I have actually no interest in and will not entertain even one notion of CDing. I can not and will not say yes to everyone. I am one that has to have a spark of attraction right away or it just won’t work…ever. I know how that sounds but I know myself. Well, after all these years.

    So, in my thought process…in my head, I figured what he said about me being unattractive and that he was trying to be “open” made me start to believe him and that is why these are the types of men who are contacting me. Tons of these men…daily and I am starting to believe him.

    The worst thing…I had that meeting with TallHandsomeDude Monday night who was tripping all over himself to meet me. It did go well. When I woke up yesterday morning, however, I realized that what MeanOldDude said to me affected me more than I thought and I realized that I hadn’t shown ME, really, to TallHandsomeDude. I was so self-concious and paranoid and I was so worried about practicing the tools, that I forgot to be ME along WITH the tools. He didn’t really see me. And I feel really sad about that.

    He texted good morning right away yesterday, again at noon and called after work. He IM’d me when he got home and then sort of faded off. I left the conversation since it wasn’t a conversation. Not to defend him but it was 105* here yesterday (hottest spot in the whole US…unbelievably) and he works outside. He was extremely worn out so I’ll give him that.

    I would like to see him again. I need to get girly, flirty even, but my vibe is so low that I don’t have any idea how to pull it up.

    MeanOldDude sucks. And, I don’t particularily care if I shouldn’t be saying that. MEANOLDDUDE SUCKS!! And thank you very much for F&ucking up my energy. A$$hat! I was doing so well until I didn’t trust my instincts and ignored my bells about you. Jerk!

    Yep I said it, Jerk, A$$hat and he sucks. And yes I do like men, I LOVE men and they typically like me so go pound sand. A$$hat.



  330.  #330Rosa on June 8, 2011 at 4:17 am

    Woooaahhh Lilybelle,
    Well express all you need first , but then lets try the Stop Sign …eyes up right . Visualize big RED stop sign and hold eyes up right …count to 5.

    Ok Gorgeous ..the day sucks ..the energy sucks but you have CHOICES..how would you like to feel right now?

    Aging Lothario is just a blip on your screen Siren..but he isnt the way to define yourself or your self worth .

    Its an interesting trigger though , isnt it?
    I wonder how you might like to change which experiences and comments you zero in on?

    I find I often feel a bit low after a GOOD experience that might become more ..I figure its a “wobble’ that means I am releasing negative unconscious material 🙂



  331.  #331Lilybelle on June 8, 2011 at 5:39 am

    330:

    Yep Rosa, Just letting it all out. This was the only place I felt safe doing so.



  332.  #332Daria on June 8, 2011 at 6:00 am

    Woohoo I had sex! And got my pussy ate a whole buncha times! And I came the whole way through woohoo

    And he was attentive to me Mmm

    And now at the end I felt angry and scared again! And I noticed the old pattern of blaming him

    It’s my boundary hole!

    Thank you for being my therapist!

    Mm sex



  333.  #333Daria on June 8, 2011 at 6:02 am

    I am now home safely tucked in.. Go me



  334.  #334Daria on June 8, 2011 at 6:05 am

    Thank you ladies! So far my birthday has started off amazing… Time to sleep the birthday sleep!



  335.  #335Daria on June 8, 2011 at 6:07 am

    When under stress he becomes critical of self and others. I wonder if he’s an entj

    Whoops in his business again because I actually feel very mad



  336.  #336LonePlum on June 8, 2011 at 6:27 am

    321: 322 kaitlyn

    Beautiful !!!

    You said « no » to what does not lead to love.
    You expressed appreciation for what is
    You expressed respect for him
    You told the truth
    You expressed your feelings

    You are so Adult in this convo. Your truth spoke to the Adult in him.
    I felt safe, grounded, reliable and free reading your convo.
    I felt love for myself and also respect for him.

    I agree with your choice. Accepting his invitation would have promoted the « bad boy » in him and insecurity in you.

    ***Finally, I told him. I feel so proud of myself ***
    I feel so proud too.
    You resisted the way that “looked” easy, you are mastering the feeling of urgency.
    The real “easy” way is the way that seems the longest at first sight. It is only a question of perspective.

    xxx



  337.  #337Femininewoman on June 8, 2011 at 6:56 am

    RE 331 Lilybelle I am happy you did.



  338.  #338DE on June 8, 2011 at 7:03 am

    Kaitlyn:

    Wow…that’s awesome!!! I feel very happy for u 🙂 Yay!!!

    Warm hugs,



  339.  #339Femininewoman on June 8, 2011 at 7:11 am

    Loneplum I learn so much from your comments.



  340.  #340Femininewoman on June 8, 2011 at 7:12 am

    RE 338 Ditto



  341.  #341Senior Lady Vibe on June 8, 2011 at 7:36 am

    Seeing, hearing, reading “old” put in the category of the “not nice” or “disgusting” people characteristics … well, kind of bores me. But since I tend to find something usable in everything (yesterday I had a long discussion on “upcycling”…) my mind went on a mini-excursion with the “question”…

    If they think that way now what will they be like when *they* are older? Hmmm…. so far I’m thinking they’ll be even more boring…. LOL LOL LOL
    and they might not be too happy either… well that part’s not too good… 😥 or funny.

    Beautiful weather today but I’ve been going out every afternoon and if I don’t stay in and watch my movies my library fines will be out of control… 😳 again…

    Hahaha, my biggest concern today is having to fit in all the fun stuff. This probably sounds crazy to some people.

    I’m a little ashamed because in the world there are probably people… I know there are… who are hungry at the moment that I’m having picnics in the park, playing on the playground swings and coming home to Oscar-winning movies…

    I am thankful for today and its blessings.

    xoxo
    SLV



  342.  #342Lilybelle on June 8, 2011 at 8:02 am

    341:

    I was just venting.



  343.  #343Senior Lady Vibe on June 8, 2011 at 8:27 am

    @342: Lilybelle says:
    341:
    “…I was just venting…”

    I saw. It got me thinking. I always thought my father was twelve years older than my mother and it worked for them, a forever marriage, second for both. But I also began thinking about their birthdays and SNAP. I did the math and discovered he was actually more than thirteen and a half years (almost fourteen) older than Mother.

    It depends upon the person. All those years I never thought enough about the numbers to get it right.

    Lilybelle, have you swung on a playground swing lately? It’s a little cure-all. It’s fun and kind of sexy too… legs in the air, breezes, to and fro…if you have a partner to push you, cool…if not you can pump yourself up…
    😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  344.  #344Lilybelle on June 8, 2011 at 8:34 am

    343:

    SLV~ I LOVE swingsets, great big ones that you can go so high on that your tummy gets the jumps.

    🙂



  345.  #345Lily T. on June 8, 2011 at 8:44 am

    #341 SLV,

    I’ve been struggling with the “number” of my last birthday. 2 yrs. before it arrived in fact. I’ve been starting to think ( and refer) to myself as “older” and it feels weird…even false sometimes, like I’m trying to convince myself of something.

    And when I read posts about “older men” as in 10 years or less years older, I find myself pondering about that. I used to not think that 7 years upward, or downward was actually an “age difference”. Even 10, doesn’t put you a generation apart. But with my new number, the number 10 years old does have the label “older” to me.

    I’m going to have to sit with this.



  346.  #346Island Girl on June 8, 2011 at 9:10 am

    Happy Birthday Daria ! 🙂



  347.  #347Senior Lady Vibe on June 8, 2011 at 9:12 am

    @345: Lily T. says:
    #341 SLV,
    “..Even 10, doesn’t put you a generation apart. But with my new number, the number 10 years old does have the label “older” to me. ”

    So have you hit 90 yet? Then the 10 years older means triple digits. Otherwise it’s the same decade. Is it? I think five years younger or older is about normal age range but everyone has their own ideas.

    I just saw 60 year old guy whose preferred age range for dating women was 30-60. Another, 71 had a preferred range, if I recall, 22-49. Those are both kind of lopsided. Can I laugh now? 😆

    I’m still trying to figure out what guys in my age decade look like. How do I know one when I see one. When you’re 27 it’s easier: if the guy has grey hair he’s probably too old, if he’s in high school he’s too young.

    😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  348.  #348Femininewoman on June 8, 2011 at 9:12 am

    ILily T my kids call me old and though I am ruminating now about the “older” reality I tell them I’d rather be old than dead. I feel good saying that. Life is beautiful.



  349.  #349Senior Lady Vibe on June 8, 2011 at 9:14 am

    Random acts of coolness… 8)



  350.  #350Rusty on June 8, 2011 at 9:18 am

    306: LonePlum says:

    A little gift for Rusty
    Tell the Misses I said hello and Merry Xmas 😉 🙂

    http://masterful-lover.com/blog/deep-spot-orgasms/the-official-deep-spot-video/

    xxx

    __________________________________________________

    Thanks!

    You can never have too much info in this department. 😉



  351.  #351Senior Lady Vibe on June 8, 2011 at 9:24 am

    Anybody using a Chromebook? What do you think about it?

    xoxo
    SLV



  352.  #352Lily T. on June 8, 2011 at 9:32 am

    Thanks SLV & FW. 🙂



  353.  #353Rusty on June 8, 2011 at 9:41 am

    300: Mel says:

    Rusty,

    He has a profile on at least one dating site. Says it’s just fantasy. Is this even possible? I’m thinking it’s more than that. Even if only in the “thinking about it” stage.

    301: T-Girl says:

    300 Mel,

    I’m not Rusty but to me it is so much more than a “fantasy”. It is a deception that he was hiding from you. Does he still have the profile up?

    I’m sorry if this is coming out wrong or if I sound one-sided but it just brings up so many triggers for me about what I went through in my marriage. I’m not saying yours will end the same.

    _________________________________________________________

    I would say that it is an indication that something is seriously wrong with his view of the relationship. Without talking to him, I wouldn’t know what it is. It may be boredom…the familiar. It may be be that in some way he always knew he would do this. As in, he married for convenience before but now that he is a lawyer, he thinks he is some bigshot that should have better…even though he may have the best he will ever have right now. In other words, he may now think that he should have some perfect 10 trophy wife on his arm. And what he wouldn’t seem to understand if this is true is that will not sustain him through life, and evven that would eventualy become boring to him and he would need a new trophy wife later on.

    Or he simply sees that trophy wife material women now pay attention to him because he is a lawyer. I have seen a woman do this once. She was married to a guy I knew in the Navy. They came from a small town in the Northwest…Idaho or Montana I believe. Childhood sweethearts. She was a little plump but not unattractive. She started working out at a gym and toned up and I can honestly say that she was now very very sexy. A total hotty.

    Well, some great looking guy who also had a much better paying job and a college degree, started talking her up. Next thing you know, they are going out for coffee, then dinner, then dancing, then to bed. While we were on a 6 month deployment, she wrote him a “Dear John” letter.

    The gist of it was that she felt there was so much more out there for her and she was afraid that if she didn’t go for it, she would regret it later in life.

    I would say this Mel. Only you can say if there is a shot to save your marriage. You know whether you love him enough to stick it out. You also should have some clue as to whether he wants to end it and be free to chase other women, or whether he is saying he wants to work it out.

    If he says he wants to work it out there is only way way at this point IMHO and that is through a good therapist/counselor. But he has to be honest with the counselor so he will also need solo sessions as will you.

    If you aren’t doing this, you have to make sure that he knows this is to both of you to work through it, that it isn’t to fix one person, it is to fix you both…as a couple. And the truth is, both of you may have made innocent mistakes that have led to him making a not so innocent mistake.

    BTW, how did you find out about it? Has he admitted to meeting anyone for a date/cup of coffee?



  354.  #354Mel on June 8, 2011 at 9:58 am

    I did some networking through the router so that I could see the sites he was visiting even when clearing the history or using “incognito” mode.

    It just got to the point where I had to know. It just didn’t feel right and things were just getting worse and worse.

    He’s super angry at me for invading his privacy. I get that, but It’s really not something I wanted to do. I just thought it would be better to finally know the truth.

    I agree. Something is seriously wrong. I’m willing to admit that I have a part to play in this as well, and am willing to work on whatever emerges, but if he isn’t willing to do the same, then I don’t see us lasting much longer.

    I’m trying to give him (and me) as much space as possible, which is hard sometimes.

    At this point, all I know is that “he’s not sure he wants to be married.” Why?… I’m not really sure even he knows the answer.

    He’s actually going to visit a therapist on his own today, so hopefully he might be able to figure that out soon so that we can move on one way or the other. He said he’d try couples therapy, but I left it up to him to make the appointment. I can’t drag him there kicking and screaming.

    It’s all very messy right now, but I’m dialing my effort down to zero (thanks for that Daria!) until he shows me some kind of commitment.

    I’ve made a mental deadline though, after which I WILL leave if nothing changes.



  355.  #355Mel on June 8, 2011 at 10:07 am

    Oh.. and he says he’s never actually met up with anyone. I WANT to believe this, but truthfully, I just don’t know.

    Here’s the thing… if it were me and I was using this dating site for fantasy and got caught, firstly, I would be very apologetic and try to restore trust with my spouse. Secondly, when asked, i would willingly log-in to my profile and show my spouse that there’s nothing to worry about. If, as he says he’s never actually contacted anyone, why was he not willing tom log-in and show me his private profile, inbox, outbox, etc? Thirdly, from this point on I would make EVERY effort to be perfectly transparent. So that my spouse could feel confident in me again. He’s actually installed a PW on his laptop so that I can’t even USE it any more.

    So… as you can very well see, trust is difficult. This will definitely be something I will need to work on with the therapist.



  356.  #356Island Girl on June 8, 2011 at 10:36 am

    Hi Kaitlyn
    I’m so happy about your conversation with A!! You totally rocked it. 🙂



  357.  #357Rusty on June 8, 2011 at 10:36 am

    Mel,

    Yes, I agree. If he is going to keep a password on it, this tells me one thing. He has no intention of deleting his account, nor will he stop talking to other women.

    However, there may be a reason for that. He knows he is on shaky ground with you right now. This may now serve as a security blanket of sorts. If you leave, he knows he can start dating somebody almost right away, if not right away.

    I do believe that as part of the counseling, he needs to delete those accounts right in front of you and remove passwords, and in fact give you passwords for everything.

    I agree with you and agree that he must make the effort to show you that he can be trusted. Trust should first be given, but if that trust is not rewarded with trustworthiness, then it must now be earned. That is where he is at whether he likes it or not. It is not your fault that he chose to be untrustworthy. He chose to do that and now he must live with the fact that he must now earn trust back.

    So I would not bring this up right now. Wait until you get your alone times with the counselor and bring it up. At some point, this needs to be sprung on him in a counseling session. The Counselor needs to tell him to log onto a computer and delete the accounts. If the can’t be deleted, he needs to provide you with a password with the understanding that you will log on every day to monitor any activity, which there should not be. Actually if it can’t be deleted, you should be able to log in and redirect the emails to your email and then change the password, this way he can’t log back in.

    Maybe the counselor will not do this but I see no reason not to. Trust must be rebuilt and this seems like the right path to take. I can’t see why the therapist wouldn’t want him to rebuild trust in this way.



  358.  #358Island Girl on June 8, 2011 at 10:40 am

    Oh Mel. (((((((HUG)))))
    I agree that IF I were ever ‘caught’ at something like that I would do what you said in your post to try and rebuild the trust with my partner. Trust is crucial and when it’s shakey… ugh…
    I’m so sorry this is going on, but I’m glad you are taking care of you. 🙂



  359.  #359Mel on June 8, 2011 at 10:46 am

    We’ll see what happens. He has to actually make an appointment first! 🙂

    I agree, it could be his “back up plan.” I read somewhere that it is quite common for women to leave marriages to live alone, but for men it is far more common for them to leave one spouse for a replacement partner.

    I think in any case he was THINKING of dating, which is still dangerous in a marriage IMHO. What would the case have been a month from now?

    I know that there must be reasons for his tenancy to favor fake intimacy for real intimacy right now. The only way that these reasons will come out is in therapy, I think. You’re right, I’m sure that I have made mistakes along the way. But if they are to be fixed, I have to know what they are.



  360.  #360kaitlyn on June 8, 2011 at 10:49 am

    Why is A more expressive and detailed with his feelings when on his FB stat updates to the general population than with me? It’s always been like that. grrrrr…why?



  361.  #361Lucy on June 8, 2011 at 11:10 am

    360 Kaitlyn, I am very much like Adam in that respect … For me, it has to do with being a writer… it’s just how I roll. <3



  362.  #362kaitlyn on June 8, 2011 at 11:13 am

    361 Lucy

    but whyyyyyy? i feel so left out.



  363.  #363Brenda on June 8, 2011 at 11:17 am

    Thank you so much everyone, for your caring and support! I am using this time as a weight loss rehab! Miho is encouraging me to eat right and exercise!

    Here is a miracle: I lost one of my 4 kitties, Keagy (pronounced “Key-gee”). I was trying to hold all my animals in the car, in air conditioning, when I had nowhere else to go. The AC stopped working, so I was forced to open the windows. The number of hours they were being kept in the car necessitated that they be let out of the cat carriers. Keagy jumped out of the car while I was driving about a week ago, so I couldn’t be sure exactly where she was lost.

    A rescue lady was making signs to find her when my brother texted me last night with a picture of a new stray around his house. It was Keagy!!

    The miracle is that the road where I lost her was 3-7 miles from his house! And that of the thousands of houses where she could have turned up, there she was at my brother’s house!

    We were both astounded. He had been encouraging me to give up my animals for adoption. He was only willing to help me more if I gave them up. Last night he said, “Brenda, God enables you! He obviously returned your kitty to you! If He thinks it’s all right for you to have pets, then I take back everything I said! Go enjoy your animals!” 🙂

    She was so hungry and thirsty, but she’s safe now!

    The hard part is the people where I’m staying will only allow me to have 2 dogs and 2 cats here. So I am working today to find temporary foster care for two of the kitties. So hard to give them up, even short term, after I just got them all back together.

    Thanks again! Love, Brenda



  364.  #364Rusty on June 8, 2011 at 11:21 am

    Mel

    I also agree with your last post. If he does not make every effort to “WIN” back your trust and show that he is committed to you, then it is time to leave. I know that is the Liberal northeast but there are still churches there. Get into one and find a good man. Best to find a big church though. Makes for a better dating pool. 😉

    One way or another, I am sure you will be OK. If this guy doesn’t realize that he has a good woman, it is his loss and another man’s gain.

    One last thing, do not let him turn this around on you. Everyone makes mistakes, but that doesn’t give somebody the right to do the things he has done to you. I would be very forgiving if he was just burnt out from work and had not resorted to dating sites. But the fact that he did takes it to a whole new level.

    IMHO, you did more than is called for in trying to connect with him. He rejected that. And he has no right at all to get self righteous about his privacy being invaded. Sorry but when you are caught with your hand in the cookie jar, you lose that right. The ball is in his court. If he tries to lawyer his way out of it, I would leave. He needs to just bare his soul now.



  365.  #365Senior Lady Vibe on June 8, 2011 at 11:23 am

    @357: Rusty says:
    “…At some point, this needs to be sprung on him in a counseling session. The Counselor needs to tell him to log onto a computer and delete the accounts. If the can’t be deleted, he needs to provide you with a password with the understanding that you will log on every day to monitor any activity, which there should not be. Actually if it can’t be deleted, you should be able to log in and redirect the emails to your email and then change the password, this way he can’t log back in.

    Maybe the counselor will not do this but I see no reason not to. Trust must be rebuilt and this seems like the right path to take. I can’t see why the therapist wouldn’t want him to rebuild trust in this way…”

    I don’t believe any of this “needs to be done.” This will not build trust; it will only confirm that there is none.

    I would not want to demean my man by forcing him to make a public show. I surely would not want to stand prison guard over a man to keep him, rings on my finger or not. I’d feel “icky” and unattractive in the relationship. Actually I would never feel icky or unattractive because I wouldn’t do this in the first place.

    Any man I know would rebel against this. And I don’t think I’d even want to be with a man who would not rebel. And, it’s so ineffective. Unless the man is stupid he can open five other online dating accounts the same day and/or put up multiple Craigslist ads directed to new online email accounts. Or any number of alternate plans for reaching out to other women.

    If anything, such duress is likely to drive a guy to do this. I do not believe you can talk a man into being in love with you! I believed this a few months ago when I made a few suggestions to Mel based on own opinions and watching others involved in the aftermath of sending a husband through college and then having him desire a new life.

    Perhaps it was too soon to say those things then and I’m pretty sure no wife would want to hear them. But eventually one must wake up and smell the coffee. At any rate I know what I would do for myself and that is to take off sad desperate pleading for love attitude and make a new sexy life pronto!

    No outside sex is required but a new way of dressing and pulling myself together, putting myself out there with new activities would be something I’d do. I’d feel a whole lot better about myself and I also believe that would be much more conducive to attraction than repeatedy offering myself to someone who is ambivalent and actively seeking other women.

    I suggested tango lessons and a dance partner. I was not kidding then and I’m not kidding now. There is no magic in a flirty dress or dance lessons but there is magic in how a woman feels about herself!

    My grandmother and mother taught me well. Oh, I am so grateful to them and sometimes it’s only now I remember the stories they told and realize the truth and power. I can recall my mother saying… “Oh, I’ll let him come looking for me and find me…” He did. Always. My father was a very handsome (and flirty) alpha male. OMG, she was wise!

    xoxo
    SLV



  366.  #366Mel on June 8, 2011 at 11:25 am

    He does tend to “lawyer” his way out of things….

    Thanks Rusty. I’m determined to be happy, no matter what happens.



  367.  #367Rusty on June 8, 2011 at 11:31 am

    359: Mel says:

    I agree, it could be his “back up plan.” I read somewhere that it is quite common for women to leave marriages to live alone, but for men it is far more common for them to leave one spouse for a replacement partner.

    ___________________________________________________________

    Actually, I think it depends on each person because many women have done this also. In fact, I know many women who played a guy along while they were searching for a new guy.



  368.  #368Mel on June 8, 2011 at 11:32 am

    SLV

    I don’t really want to be in the business of “policing” either.

    But I do think that him taking extra security measures is indicative of having something to hide.

    If I had to check his emails and accounts daily, it would not be worth it to stay. Who would want to live like that?

    I’m not sure how trust can be “earned” back though. This is for him to figure out and for me to decide if this will work.



  369.  #369Island Girl on June 8, 2011 at 11:35 am

    Kaitlyn, is it possible that it seems easier to him to write those things in a status report because he isn’t actually communicating with anyone in particular? When he is talking to you it is probably more intense for him and means more. What do you think?



  370.  #370Lily T. on June 8, 2011 at 11:39 am

    #367 Rusty,

    I agree that the “overlapping relationships” phenomenon is not limited to gender. It seems to me to be a character ‘default’.



  371.  #371Femininewoman on June 8, 2011 at 11:48 am

    Mel it is difficult for me to read about your life’s journey. It seems a lot of water has passed under the bridge and it is really sad reading the details. Earning trust don’t sit well with me though. It just sounds like a lot of work will need to be in the equation. He I am sure realizes that to have your trust his actions have to match up with his words. I know you were sharing the details for Rusty but it triggered in my memory a letter Rori shared that she had written to another woman. She encouraged her to stop focussing on what he was doing. My sense was that she was encouraging her to stop talking about it to friends and stop bringing it up to him. I like what SLV said above and maybe if you could get back into living and loving your life that might be your best option.



  372.  #372Senior Lady Vibe on June 8, 2011 at 11:49 am

    @368: Mel says:

    “…But I do think that him taking extra security measures is indicative of having something to hide…

    Oh, yes I believe so and it’s also perhaps a perception of invasion of privacy (not to say that what he’s doing is OK, it’s not!) and a desire “not to be told what to do.”

    My heart goes out to you and I wish you well. These situations are rough!!! And the pain can be physical. Keep your head up and keep on being fabulous.

    xoxo
    SLV



  373.  #373Lily T. on June 8, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    Mel,
    Have you started seeing a counselor on your own to work through all that’s going on for you in this?

    (((hugs)))



  374.  #374Rusty on June 8, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    Yeah, after rethinking it, I do agree that it should be just left up to him to do. It is up to him to decide whether he wants to live out the rest of his life with Mel. Only he can decide this. Mel can only look out for herself. He has to do the work to rebuild the trust and relationship. Question is will he.

    I think Mel is on the right track. Just worry about herself and let him decide what he wants.

    I wonder if a separation would work. Maybe he needs to totally face the reality that he CAN be alone. Let him see what it looks and feels like to come home to an empty home. This will prompt him to think about what it is that he wants.

    As a man I can agree that from most men’s point of view, porn isn’t a big deal, but going on dating sites is not innocent fun. He needs to get the idea that he is somehow a victim out of his head. He needs to seriously take a look at what he wants in the next 5 years, and the rest of his life.



  375.  #375Mel on June 8, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    While porn is not always a big deal, using it in place of real intimacy is.

    SLV…

    actually I had planned to go out dancing this weekend 🙂

    Funny you should mention it!



  376.  #376Femininewoman on June 8, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    Good for you Mel.



  377.  #377DE on June 8, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    Kaitlyn #360:

    Okay, trying again to comment…since I lost the previous one …arghhh…

    So, what i was saying:

    Reading u post, the first word that came to me was “safe”…

    A does not feel safe…just as u are not feeling safe with him just yet…

    This is a great opportunity to express how u feel…Tinque’s words of wisdom came to mind in this situation once more “A man heals through a woman’s heart”…

    Work on healing yours Kaitlyn and you will see how many beautiful things u are going to attract in u life…including A…We teach my example…BE, DO, HAVE!!!

    Warm hugs,



  378.  #378Rusty on June 8, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    375: Mel says:

    While porn is not always a big deal, using it in place of real intimacy is.

    _________________________________________________

    Agreed. One thing every woman should know is that you absolutely do not ever have to compete with the women in those things. I think most of us men scratch our head because we just don’t understand why women think they do. I mean I know my wife thinks some men in regular movies are hot, and romantic, etc… but I never ever feel like I have to compete with them.

    Now if some tall dark and handsome SOAP opera star knocked on my door and asked for m wife, then yeah, I might start to worry. 😉



  379.  #379LonePlum on June 8, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    ’TIL DEATH DO US PART
    From Dr. Pat Allen
    Conversational rape
    Chapter 8

    Dialogue:
    BILL or ALICE: Why don’t you ___________?
    JOE or MARY: I can’t because ____________.

    RAPE!

    Rape Analysis:
    Again, we are viewing Super-Jock Macho Bill, Bertha Balls Alice, and their counterparts- Daffodil Joe and Daffodil Mary.
    All are intent on conversationally raping each other, just like Mom and Dad did to them when they were little.

    Macho Bill and Bertha Balls Alice believe that action is more powerful than inaction, but they are mistaken.

    Daffodil Mary and Daffodil Joe can side-step with their helpless, passive aggressive games until Bertha and Mach are themselves victims of both frustration and resentment.

    When Macho and Bertha finally catch on to the rape and stop trying to get control of the relationship through power
    plays, they find that their Daffodil opposites take up the game and begin pressuring them in a role reversal.

    People who use active power are actually more afraid than the “powerless” passive partner who is safe enough to sit back and watch the fireworks.

    Remember, it is the one down victim who actually gets the strokes from others-sympathy, pity, empathy, and rescuing.

    Bertha and Macho usually get left alone, looked down on, undermined in this scenario as the ”B movie” bad guy.



  380.  #380LonePlum on June 8, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    Marriage or committed one to one relationships built on a one-up, one-down system contain two question-mark people.

    They are two humans, each of whom needs to trigger a rape in order to get a painful reaction like they remember from home.

    Symbiotic, parasitic marriages can function indefinitely as long as no one moves out of line.
    If Bertha or Macho breaks down or Daisy or David builds up, then a domino effect takes place which influences the whole family, including relatives who do not live with them.
    This can be a very good thing in a marriage, but often it ignites escape mechanisms like overeating, excess drinking, or extra-marital non-negotiated affairs.

    If the changing people are open and honest, they can adjust to the new equality of “I’m okay and so are you.” Professional help may be needed during this transition.



  381.  #381LonePlum on June 8, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    Straight Talk

    In a good, balanced relationship, both people exhibit all varieties of behavior appropriately in response to all types of behavior in their partner.
    If a man cherishes his woman’s feelings, he will listen to her without judgement and support her not-wants and general wants as much as he can, as long as they are moral, ethical and legal.
    If a woman respects her man’s thinking, she will listen to his specific wants and not-wants and respond to them as much as she can, as long as they are moral, ethical and legal.

    Together they complement each other and individually they grow and prosper.

    As they become more “I” centered, they have more to share as a “we” couple and as an “us” couple in society.



  382.  #382LonePlum on June 8, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    There are four areas of negotiation
    — time, space, sex, and money —
    in a committed married type relationship.

    The first is time, time together as a “we,” time alone as an “I,” and time as a couple with “us.”

    Healthy individuals make certain that they negotiate all three categories, i.e., I, we, and us appropriately.
    They maintain a balance, being careful to avoid gamey “rape” deals wherein they intimidate or seduce each other out of balance.

    Symbiotic couples over depend on each other as a “we.”
    Their alone time as well as their socializing with outsiders is curtailed, exhibiting a pathetic need to hang on to each other as they did with mommy and daddy before they were five years old.
    Individuals who are still fixated at an early level of growth usually believe that with good performance they can earn love.

    The contrary is true, you can never earn love conditionally.
    By its very nature, true love is unconditional and only mature
    “I” centered individuals can truly share it by accepting each other, as is, and negotiation without the tactics of intimidation or seduction.



  383.  #383LonePlum on June 8, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    The second area of negotiation is space, how it is shared and how it is cared for. It’s a possessive pronoun world
    my closet, your drawer, our dishes, my chores, your chores.

    Too often symbiotic couples believe everything belongs to “we” and then a rape situation occurs in which private ownership and a blurring of responsibilities takes place, which only promotes games and brings both pain and non intimacy.

    To know where lines are, is to establish stability and allow closeness.



  384.  #384LonePlum on June 8, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    The third and fourth areas of negotiation are sex and money, respectively.
    Their inherent lines of responsibility draw perimeters around our two biggest areas of conversational rape.

    Few couples have physical sex problems.
    Most sex dysfunction is based on communication difficulties.

    Symbiotic, needy, question mark people usually attempt to intimidate or seduce each other into a possessive, obsessive relationship.
    They disallow any sexual space between them for such things as friendships with opposite sex or a social life apart from each other.
    They very often become more needy and dependent since no one person can fully satisfy the stroke of hunger in another person
    .
    A well negotiated couple allows for social interaction, even flirting-within couple established guidelines.
    These include sexual exclusivity, and the knowledge that a comfortable, free person will feel more inclined to respond to an accepting, non-demanding partner than a punitive controlling partner.

    Total spontaneity brings chaos.
    In contrast, self-discipline makes room for spontaneity.

    Children feel safer knowing where they stand.
    With continuing open conversations, any couple can maintain a flowing, free, fun relationship.
    They can teach their children by example to avoid power games of intimidation or seduction; they can teach their children to avoid the conversational rape of others.



  385.  #385LonePlum on June 8, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    In the area of money, the power rape games come out in full force.
    Whoever controls the purse strings controls the relationship’s health.
    The most balanced negotiation is to have “my money,” “your money,” and “our money.”
    In this system, even when there is only one income, a portion is given to the non-paid partner to do as they please.
    It is disastrous for one or the other of the couple to “ask for” pin money.
    It automatically establishes a conversational rape situation.

    One person may be the bookkeeper: he or she may write the checks, keep the business details straight, and balance the budget, but that person benefits more by sharing the decision responsibilities with the other.

    In earlier chapters, I have talked about dealing with children appropriately.
    In this chapter on marriage, I want to summarize a statement about children relative to the four areas of couple negotiation -time, space, sex, and money.
    In these areas, children can share the negotiation in family council time (talking).

    The primary responsibility for setting up a good communication system is between husband and wife.
    Any time children outrank a husband or wife, trouble occurs.

    A man and a woman may not totally agree with each other but they negotiate between themselves about the rules of the house -the do’s and the don’ts, the wants and not wants- before bringing the children into the transaction.

    When they arrive at a good negotiated compromise, they support each other in front of the kids in order to establish secure stable guidelines for the marriage and for the family.

    End of Chapter 8
    Conversational rape
    From Dr. Pat Allen

    xxx



  386.  #386tinque on June 8, 2011 at 1:08 pm

    Rusty – I have a question for you regarding porn. Many if not most women DO feel very threatened by it.

    Some men are indeed addicted, and I feel concern for the younger generation having grown up with the internet and thus the ease of access to porn at any time. It seems to be an increasing problem for them, knowing how to be with a real woman etc.

    Most men though DO NOT have a problem with porn.

    Yet the women I deal with still feel less than, not enough otherwise why would he want to look at it at all unless it’s shared.

    So I ask you what compels a man, you, to look at porn, more specifically internet photos and clips? I’m not talking about looking at it as a masturbatory tool, something nicer to look at than the shower tiles. I’m talking about looking at it just to look at it.

    This has come up with my clients, and I can answer them from my experience and from what I have learned over the years, but I have never received a response from a man (not that I’ve asked that many) that really would make sense to a woman.

    Can you help with this?

    xxoo



  387.  #387Rusty on June 8, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    Maybe I can Tinque.

    it is said that sex crosses a man’s mind every 15 seconds. I am not so sure that is true but I will agree that it crosses our mind a lot.

    It is also said that we are very visual. I agree 100%. When a man stops appreciating the female form, put a mirror under his nose to see if he is still alive. I can also say that maybe the Puritans had it right because when a woman walks by showing cleavage and wearing tight jeans and she is hot looking, we ARE going to look and appreciate her physical form. It’s like putting raw meat in front of a dog. Doesn’t matter if he just ate, his eyes will follow that steak.

    However, we men also know that women see this and know it can get us in trouble with our women. SO SOME men are very very sneaky about looking, or maybe it is just being more disciplined…or just plain more worried about having to deal with the fallout. SO some men will go out of their way to act like they didn’t look, or aren’t looking. You women aren’t the only ones that know about using a mirrored surface to look, or making sure that their eyes can’t be seen when they do look.

    Porn allows for a safer more private outlet for that desire to look. And maybe a reason that you and other women don’t understand is because men are biologically programmed to WANT to chase after many women.

    I once heard it said that men brag about the number of notches in their bedpost, but women brag about who the notches represent. In other words, for women, the idea is to get the best they can, for men, biologically they are programmed to get as many as they can.

    But this doesn’t fit with civilized society. We look down on those who do that. And it causes havoc in a home, so for many men, it feeds that primal desire to pursue other women, but you only do so in your mind. This is why I see porn as far different than dating sites. With dating sites, nothing good can come from that. A picture of a Playmate is like the National Geographic. Exotic yes, but you are never going to visit that place.

    But a living breathing person that you start talking to, that is a whole other story. Which is why I also scratch my head when a woman might be mad at her man for looking at pron but then think that the lunch dates she is having with a male co-worker is oh so harmless. Which one is more likely to result in tow people having sex?

    I think the simple answer to you question Tinque is that we like the way it makes us feel when we look at a beautiful woman. There is chemistry involved. Chemicals are released in the brain that feel good. It stimulates us. Which is why most viewing sessions will eventually lead to masturbation unless real life intervenes and we have to stop the viewing. This is why it is addicting. Real…natural drugs are the result of viewing porn.

    I don’t think men or women are more virtuous in this sense. For men, we feed our primal urge to pursue other women. For women, the urge is to get the best genes they can for their offspring while at the same time providing the most stable environment for them to be raised in. Thus, cuckolding.

    Did you know that they have done studies where unknown to the women, they participated in a study where their vitals ere taken and it could be determined when they were ovulating. This was at some night clubs. Pictures were also taken every night and what they found was that the women unknowingly dressed more provocatively when they were ovulating. hem lines rose, necklines plunged, etc… What was surprising was that married women had a more drastic change. They dressed even more provocatively than single women.

    I actually know a couple of people that started dating and their refusal to listen to the parents warnings not to led to the forced revelation that they were half brother and sister. Turns out that the girl’s mom cuckolded the dad. The boy’s dad was the one doing that did the deed.

    I wonder if everyone had to provide DNA how many times this would be found to be true.



  388.  #388Senior Lady Vibe on June 8, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    @386: tinque says:
    “…I feel concern for the younger generation having grown up with the internet and thus the ease of access to porn at any time. It seems to be an increasing problem for them, knowing how to be with a real woman etc….”

    One ongoing usual issue, IMHO, is porn as entertainment vs true intimacy but I see a big issue looming: the use of porn as sex education. The younger generation as you quoted, often takes theatrical performance as the reality of how woman look, what they expect, enjoy and how they respond! And there is resulting confusion (and lack of knowledge) of how to go about dating a woman!

    Factor in that many man believe that women are aroused and experience sex in the same way as men do… well, there’s bound to be “trouble in Paradise.”

    Sorry, no answers here…

    xoxo
    SLV



  389.  #389Senior Lady Vibe on June 8, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    @386: tinque

    oops missing a comma, it should read tinque quoted the phrase “younger generation” [she did] not quote “often takes theatrical performance as reality…” <== that was me… 😳

    xoxo
    SLV



  390.  #390Daria on June 8, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    I’m feeling upset because at the very end of my time w transformer man

    A pattern came up where on the outside he seemed to me to be purposely triggering me to feel bad and scared. He was blaming me for that he might be lost. And I felt angry and afraid to tell him because I feel afraid he’ll hit me… Tho he says he won’t

    So I can thank him for being my therapist. I felt all afraid and I’m still feeling bad and dissapointed that now I’m in the same pattern I used to be where I feel like running away, like I ‘got’ away this time w nothing happening…

    I also stuffed in that moment and caretook him, and he switched. But inside I was holding my tummy tight, and judging him and felt glad to get outta there

    I felt almost the se trigger earlier in the night but actually communicated my way through that

    So now I feel kinda bummed besides that my tummy took a freefall of fear I’m like dammit I still don’t feel safe to be 100 w him

    I am thinking I might just tap EFT on this issue as a present to self



  391.  #391tinque on June 8, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    Thank you Rusty for your input. This is all stuff I know, yet it’s nice to hear from a man.

    I realize everyone is different, and age and experience can change things, yet I question the biological factors you cite as we leave child bearing years. I would be curious as to how or even if this would affect partner choice.

    Another interesting thing is that women are very much more aroused from pornographic images than they are even aware. They may even state that certain images are not at all arousing to them, yet brain wave patterns and genital monitors say otherwise. Also women are aroused by a greater variety of images than men.

    That said though women usually require more than one stimulus to feel ready for sex, the brain being the biggest one. One negative though can shut things down so fast.

    xxoo



  392.  #392Lily T. on June 8, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    Rusty re: false paternity from Wiki:

    A 2005 scientific review of international published studies of paternal discrepancy found a range in incidence from 0.8% to 30% (median 3.7%), suggesting that the widely quoted and unsubstantiated figure of 10% of non-paternal events is an overestimate. However, in situations where disputed parentage was the reason for the paternity testing, there were higher levels; an incidence of 17% to 33% (median of 26.9%). Most at risk were those born to younger parents, to unmarried couples and those of lower socio-economic status, or from certain cultural groups.[2]



  393.  #393Lily T. on June 8, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    Rusty also,

    Please provide the citations where women in nightclubs were tested to determine if they were ovulating without their knowledge. It seems highly implausible. Urban legend perhaps?



  394.  #394FlowerChild77 on June 8, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    #390/Daria…Is this the same guy you had oral sex with (doing your ‘favorite thing’ for you?)



  395.  #395FlowerChild77 on June 8, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    I have read things also. And I can attest to it personally—when we ovulate there are some powerful hormones at play–I’ve always known my body this way. And, yes, it did cause behavior changes in order to get sex sometimes. Nothing truly out of character for me, but it gave me a little more boldness and drive to actually make sure (or try!) to get/have sex. Absolutely!



  396.  #396Kayla on June 8, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    Hello (: Okay, somebody PLEASE give me their opinion. Yesterday pickup guy was supposed to come pick me up and we were supposed to go do something. Well he kept saying things like let me work out first, and then it was let me eat first. Well he never came and got me so I decided to go do other things with some friends. Well when I was with my friends pickup guy was there, with another girl. We aren’t in a commited relationship but this still made me feel really awkward and like I couldn’t talk to him or look at him or show any affection toward him without looking needy. I want to tell him how I feel so I have been thinking about what to say. I came up with this

    “It makes me feel really awkward and kinda angry when we have plans but don’t follow through or cancel out on them, and then later on I see you with another girl. I know we aren’t together, which is why I feel kinda weird telling you this, but it’s the way I feel and I have to get it out.”

    If there is anything that you think I should add to that or take out please let me know.



  397.  #397Lily T. on June 8, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    Here’s an article on predicting ovulation

    http://www.womentowomen.com/sexualityandfertility/predictingovulation.aspx

    I can’t see any of these things being measured in women randomly going to a nightclub. Particularly without their knowledge.

    Also, actual ovulation only lasts approximately 24 hours.



  398.  #398Senior Lady Vibe on June 8, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    @395: FlowerChild77 says:
    “I’ve always known my body this way. And, yes, it did cause behavior changes in order to get sex sometimes…”

    I believe all women are aware of this, aren’t they? All the women I know. It’s not a mystery or a secret. The “nightclub experiment” seems a little suspect… LOL 😆 It could have happened but it does have an “urban legend” ring to it.

    I heard a comedian tell the “half-brother/half-sister” story as part of his routine, not that it couldn’t happen…it probably has… 😳 Separated siblings have unwittingly married each other. One such story made the news some years ago.

    xoxo
    SLV



  399.  #399Senior Lady Vibe on June 8, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    @396: Kayla says:
    “…If there is anything that you think I should add to that or take out please let me know…”

    Since you saw each other in that unexpected situation it’s very possible he will not contact you again and you will not therefore be saying any of those words.

    If that is the case you could delete your message and substitute, in your mind, “next!”

    xoxo
    SLV



  400.  #400Nikita on June 8, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    I avoid sex when ovulating. I call it birth control



  401.  #401Lily T. on June 8, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    The “half-brother/half-sister” story has been done in novels and perhaps a film or two. Doesn’t seem too farfetched for real life to me.

    I think the “extra sexy” feeling that happens in some women’s cycles has more to do with the hormonal output leading up to and around ovulation, rather than ovulation. At least when I experienced it, it wasn’t just a 24 hour thing, more like 5-7 days.



  402.  #402Daria on June 8, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    Flowerchild – yup same guy



  403.  #403Daria on June 8, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    ok i felt weird cuz i kept leaning back and it felt kinda like he was leaning back too! but then he stepped up some – when we were starting sex-

    and now i am still feeling lonely and wanting sex

    well just the same as before

    don’t know if i relaly want “sex” or i just want to feel love

    interesting to notice these feelings1



  404.  #404Daria on June 8, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    i love my feelings!



  405.  #405JennS on June 8, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    Sirens-
    Ok.. Cdating..
    hmmm had a coffee date with a guy with a twitch.. a dinner date with a guy old enough to be my grandfather and a religious fanatic just asked me out,… hmmm and who said this is FUN????? lol
    I still can’t get x out of my head and heart.. this does not feel good.
    help?????!!! lol



  406.  #406Daria on June 8, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    JennS – what tools did u use with each and how did that go?



  407.  #407Daria on June 8, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    Kayla – that is not cool!

    I would tell him, I feel angry!

    You need to start requiring better treatment and find your anger. Don’t take crumbs! Start dating other men ASAP.

    You’re being a doormat for this guy.



  408.  #408Mel on June 8, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    ‘First you stop judging yourself; then you stop judging your partner. The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is, without needing to judge or change them in any way. That immediately takes you beyond ego. All mind games and all addictive clinging are then over. There are no victims and no perpetrators anymore, no accuser and accused. This is also the end of all codependency, of being drawn into somebody’s else’s unconscious pattern and thereby enabling it to continue. You will then either separate – in love – or move ever more deeply into the Now together, into Being. Can it be that simple? Yes, it is that simple.’

    – Eckhart Tolle

    _____________________________

    I like this.



  409.  #409Daria on June 8, 2011 at 3:12 pm

    Man : you got me lost!

    Me : ohh I feel bad! I don’t want to be blamed… I feel scared

    Omgosh feels so scary! To say!

    I clammed up!

    I love me



  410.  #410JennS on June 8, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    Daria-
    Well i leaned back.. I spoke a bit in FM.. I have the dinner date this evening.. I find that I stop using the tools when I realize I do not want to date them.. I just don’t care… I then don’t know how to say.. no to the next date.. when they say.. so we should do this again? and I go.. hmmm not sure.. and don’t know what to say .. so I make up a bunch of excuses.. ugh…



  411.  #411LonePlum on June 8, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    FeminineWoman

    This woman reminded me of you. She does an exercise watching the mirror. You might like it.
    I also like the exercise where she writes her lies and the truth comes from it.

    http://www.loveyourlifesummitaccess.com/free-bonuses/special-bonus-lisa-lynne/

    xxx



  412.  #412Senior Lady Vibe on June 8, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    @405: JennS

    Maybe you could write a book…

    LOL… laughing with you…. 😆

    xoxo
    SLV



  413.  #413Daria on June 8, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    JennS – the purpose of the date is to practice tools, so that you can change your patterns…

    So you want to use them the whole time, whether attracted or repulsed… So that you can tell the truth.

    And keep noticing and looking for ‘what is the message? What did this man show up to heal for me?’



  414.  #414Daria on June 8, 2011 at 3:27 pm

    One of my best friends has a twitch, he’s really cute tho and girls dig him



  415.  #415Daria on June 8, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    JennS – ok so when did you use a feeling message.. What dud u say and what was the context? That’s the stuff we want to look at and review, not so much the men



  416.  #416Daria on June 8, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    It’s ok for me to feel scared of him! I don’t have to judge him, or me!

    I felt scared and I accept that! Woohoo

    Babysteps



  417.  #417JennS on June 8, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    Daria-
    “I said I feel uncomfortable telling you where I am at with dating.. but it is new for me as I just got out of something” He was like.. great.. thank you for telling me..
    I also said ” I feel good living here”.. I feel comfortable.. this was an easy get together”
    He’s nice and easy and funny.. But I see nor feel any attraction..
    I will fill you in after my date with my grandfather.. lol
    and the religious one…. well.. I will tell him I don’t feel the connection to date but we may be able to do some business togther…



  418.  #418Daria on June 8, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    JennS – yay it sounds like you’re doing awesome with the feeling messages! Yes!! Now just keep on, answering with a feeling message even after his response

    Also look for something that you like or feel curious about him whenever you notice yourself shutting down or judging him



  419.  #419Daria on June 8, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    What do u think was the message from ywitch guy? What did he show up to heal for you?



  420.  #420Daria on June 8, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    I’m feeling so good now! It’s that 12 hour mark when my hormones kick in after sex! Woohoo

    I feel excited cuz I been hanging out w a guy friend who lives nearby and it feels good like I have a friend to hang out with



  421.  #421FlowerChild77 on June 8, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    #398/SLV Yes, I, too, thought most women knew these things about themselves (if they’re in-tune with their bodies.) I guess I misunderstood the question–it was more about the study in the club–not so much about the facts of it. My mistake…



  422.  #422FlowerChild77 on June 8, 2011 at 4:37 pm

    #400/Nikita YES!! I couldn’t take the pill for quite a few years (in the early 90’s they came out with lower dose pills—thank goodness!) and so, for about three years I had to use the ‘rhythm method’ and be hyper-aware of my body and all its signals. It sure was a drag because when I felt most like having sex, we couldn’t 🙁



  423.  #423Ella on June 8, 2011 at 4:37 pm

    Happy Birthday Daria!

    Hope you felt great and experienced a wonderful day Lovely Siren.

    xoxoxox



  424.  #424FlowerChild77 on June 8, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    #401Lilybelle Oh, yeah! Not just a one day thing at ALL. And you’re right, it’s not just the release of the egg–it’s the whole hormonal build up, etc.



  425.  #425FlowerChild77 on June 8, 2011 at 4:44 pm

    #410/Jenn S. Isn’t that defeating the whole purpose of using them for practice/therapy? I thought that was the main idea of CDing vs. “finding someone” (which I understand to be the icing on the cake.)

    Am I understanding this correctly, Sirens? Main purpose to heal us and cherry-on-the-top is we meet our happily-ever-after?



  426.  #426FlowerChild77 on June 8, 2011 at 4:50 pm

    Happy Birthday, Daria! I’m confused about what happened with your date. Things were good and then he said ‘you got him lost’? Did he mean lost, as in confused, or lost as in he needed driving directions?

    Also you said you feared him hitting you. What happened between the ‘good stuff’ and this part? It feels awful to read you were afraid of him. Did he just ‘change’ and get mean and angry?



  427.  #427Senior Lady Vibe on June 8, 2011 at 4:54 pm

    #421: FlowerChild77 says:
    #it was more about the study in the club–not so much about the facts of it. My mistake…”

    No mistake. I’m with you; my “question” was rhetorical. I was surprised there was a nightclub scientific study cited. That seemed strange to me.

    xoxo
    SLV



  428.  #428Lily T. on June 8, 2011 at 5:05 pm

    #427
    Can you picture women dressing sexy to go to a nightclub, then standing in line to have their temptatures taken and their vajay’s swabbed without being told why? Sorry, can’t see it. 😉 Are you reading Rusty?



  429.  #429FlowerChild77 on June 8, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    Ok, Sirens…I’ve made a decision. I’m going to get Rori’s LoveScripts and then I’ll decide what to do about xbf and whether or not ‘going home’ is the right thing for me.

    There is no real sense of urgency (except that I miss him like crazy) and this way I can be sure I’m not leaning forward too much or saying the wrong things. Looking back (since I’ve found Rori) I see where this very thing ie:me leaning forward/over-functioning and not knowing how to communicate effectively with him caused many, if not most, of our fights.

    I’m not blaming myself or beating myself up—just owning my part of it and feeling gratitude for this new awareness. Knowledge is power! 😉

    I feel sadness when I think it might not work—but I instantly replace that with a better-feeling-thought (Thank you, Abraham!) and remind myself if it doesn’t work–that means there’s something better for me and I’m FREE to start working on that. (Not that I’m not ‘free’ now—but I still love this man and it’s hard to put that aside and start seriously and correctly CDing.)

    ((Brenda)) I hope you find homes for your two kitties soon. I know it’s hard to let them go, but I’m happy to know you’re safe and happy.

    Has anyone heard from Jeannette? I’m thinking maybe she’s found support from other care-givers, as that will be her situation soon. Her last post (I think it was her last) talked of Steve moving up the transplant list and staying with her for after-care and then they were going to talk about wedding plans. I hope she’s ok.

    Ella…how are you doing and feeling? Happy, I hope.



  430.  #430Senior Lady Vibe on June 8, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    @428: Lily T. says:
    “..#427
    Can you picture women dressing sexy to go to a nightclub, then standing in line to have their temptatures taken and their vajay’s swabbed without being told why? Sorry, can’t see it. Are you reading Rusty?…”

    ROFL 😆

    xoxo
    SLV



  431.  #431Nikita on June 8, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    Daria!

    It’s ur bday?????



  432.  #432Femininewoman on June 8, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    Thanks Loneplum



  433.  #433DE on June 8, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    Lily T # 428:

    Yes, I can…I know I would be part of the “survey” if they paid me…:) Gosh, u know how expensive are those cocktails or a shot of Patron? Of course, surveys for moi, please 🙂

    🙂

    Warm hugs,



  434.  #434Lilybelle on June 8, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    433:

    I love me some Patron.



  435.  #435DE on June 8, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    Lilybelle:

    Come to PDX and lets party 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  436.  #436Lilybelle on June 8, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    435:

    Would LOVE to with you, DE…LOVE to!!!

    🙂



  437.  #437Lily T. on June 8, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    #430

    Not to mention who decides what “sexiest dress” is. The little black cocktail dress? Daisy Duke cutoffs and a halter top? Something with sequins? Tailored man shirt and tiny stretchy boy shorts? Depending on the club all, or none of those may be considered appropriate dress. And what’s sexiest to the researcher, may not be what the subject considers sexiest for herself. Maybe she thought the Daisy Duke ensemble was the sexiest and wore it the week before OV nite. What’s the comparison/ contrast? Are these women wearing sweatsuits to the niteclub when they aren’t ovulating?

    I’m bored – I’m giving way too much imagination to this alledged study.
    🙂



  438.  #438FlowerChild77 on June 8, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    Rusty, I’d like to hear your ‘guy’ opinion. You were discussing 50/50 which is part of my thought process. My posts on this thread#46 and #145 explain and #446 in the last thread for more info, though I don’t expect you to read all that 😉

    I love this man with all my heart. Since I’m the one who left and he’s told me this is it for him (me) and that there will never be another woman in that house, he will never be with another woman etc. it doesn’t feel like the same kind of situation where I could apply all the ‘tools’ and expect some kind of miracle.

    I left because I figured it was never going to ‘go anywhere’ and all attempts to talk about it ended up in fighting and drama ( you know, that ugly thing that happens when we’re afraid to let our real feelings out.) If I do go back I want more than just the devoted commitment (which, by the way, I’m not poo-pooing) but I’d want to be married.

    He is a man of VERY few words. This is his third relationship (ever) and he is 56 years old. It took him a year to get my attention and finally ask me out on a date. (He called and asked me on the phone for a real date.) We didn’t sleep together for about 4 months…moved in together after 2 years. Twelve years later I left (last summer.) He has never cheated on me and neither of us has been with anyone else. No sex or dating. No other people.

    The Sirens have advised me that I shouldn’t feel the need to help or worry about how he feels. I understand that to a point—but here’s where the 50/50 part comes in. I’m just curious as to what your ‘guy’ opinion is.

    I promise I’ll stop talking about this soon 😉



  439.  #439DE on June 8, 2011 at 5:48 pm

    Lilybelle:

    Did u find me on FB? If not, i will send u my email…:) just in case u want to come to PDX, u can come over 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  440.  #440Femininewoman on June 8, 2011 at 5:49 pm

    Kayla I sense sending that message could cause him to defend himself that could trigger you to react in anger. That will just give him justification to say he does not want to date an angry girl. You say you are not in a committed relationship with him and he might be surprised if you express anger because he was with another girl. I would not want to be remembered as the jealous other woman. Who knows it might even end up with him discussing you with her as the “psycho”. I know this is a label that might trigger some here but I have seen this happen so many times.

    I would wait until he contacts me. Then I would share I am still angry and don’t want to be treated like that. It is your responsibility to take care of your wants. He is not obligated to give you anything and if he felt obligated he most likely would not want to do it anyway. I believe this is his truth and I would not question it by telling him I am angry if I am not in a committed relationship with him. That might cause him to give you what you want but then worse trouble might be waiting around the corner. Just my opinion…



  441.  #441Femininewoman on June 8, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    Mel that was a great quote.



  442.  #442Lilybelle on June 8, 2011 at 5:55 pm

    439:

    I’ll find you now. We have a few friends in common..I believe.

    I’ll stick a note that says… Lilybelle is here! 😉



  443.  #443Lily T. on June 8, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    #433 DE,

    They’d be paying for ALOT of cocktails because they would have to send the girls out to the nightclub all month to compare how they dress different on OV nite! LOL.

    Joining you and Lilybelle – I want something frozen. With an umbrella and lot’s of “garbage”.



  444.  #444FlowerChild77 on June 8, 2011 at 5:59 pm

    Does anyone know how long Rori will have these LoveScripts programs for the special price? I want to get them both I’m just not sure if I can do it for another week or two…



  445.  #445Femininewoman on June 8, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    Carrie on Sex and the City just said “I have faith in myself that one day I will meet someone who is sure and will not be afraid to say that I am the one”.



  446.  #446Lilybelle on June 8, 2011 at 6:02 pm

    443:

    Join in, Lily…
    Speaking of lots of garbage..

    I had the best Bloody Beer a couple of weeks ago..

    BIG shrimp, pickle, marinated mushrooms, onions and asparagus, and the icing on the cake…A beef stick. A meal and a drink all for the low, low…looowww price of $6.00,

    All in one absolutely delicious adult beverage. The funny thing was the bartender didn’t know how to make it. Just replace the Vodka with beer and wahlah.



  447.  #447Lilybelle on June 8, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    445:

    FW~ I was just thinking,now that I am done with Nip/Tuck that I need to find a new series to watch in season mode.

    Maybe SITC is it. I have never watched it….not one episode, ever…



  448.  #448DE on June 8, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    Lily T #430:

    Heck ya…they better do…and u are buzzed…i would sure don’t mind how many times they would “temperature” me…lol…

    of course, I would “negotiate” my itinerary and expenses…first my fav restaurant…then, a nice lounge with the best cocktails…and then…a club…sounds good??? They would be following my “egg”…with the checkbook…:) Okay, this is my own “manifestation”…lol

    Warm hugs,



  449.  #449DE on June 8, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    Lily T:

    omgosh, u gave me a great idea for a business opportunity…:) Create my own survey thing…and have CBS channel sponsor it…when it’s all ready…yay!!!!

    lol

    Warm hugs,



  450.  #450Lilybelle on June 8, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    438:

    Promise you’ll stop talking about this? Nonsense.
    There are no time limits, as far as I know, regarding the length of time a Siren is allowed to share her healing process.

    From what I see, we ebb and flow.



  451.  #451Lily T. on June 8, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    It’s fun when you get to thinking about it, isn’t it DE? 🙂

    Lilybelle, your “drink” has made me hungry!



  452.  #452DE on June 8, 2011 at 6:16 pm

    Lily T:

    Gosh, I admit (please don’t tell anyone 🙁 ) once in a while I “love” and “feel” my intellectual side!!! 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  453.  #453Lily T. on June 8, 2011 at 6:27 pm

    DE,

    In college I had to evaluate and do statistical analysis on psychological and sociological studies. The more I thought about this “nightclub study”, the more I thought how a researcher would actually be able to construct such a thing. Then I just had fun with it.

    Don’t think of it as “intellectual” dahling, feel it as flights of fancy! Very feminine. 🙂



  454.  #454Femininewoman on June 8, 2011 at 6:27 pm

    RE 447 Dr. Paul got me watching it and when I came here first I noticed Rori wrote something about one of the episodes. It is so instructive about the dynamics in a relationship, how circular dating can and how personalities interact.



  455.  #455Lilybelle on June 8, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    I would be part of a survey during a night out clubbing..

    I would don a long haired wig and would dress in a white button down, unbuttoned to my belly button with a bunch of jewelry, a skirt and heels.

    Or in a cutoff football jersey and jeans, still wearing the long hair wig, depending on who was running the survey. 😉



  456.  #456Senior Lady Vibe on June 8, 2011 at 6:35 pm

    @447: Lilybelle says:
    “…Maybe SITC is it. I have never watched it….not one episode, ever…”

    Ohhhh, they’re fun! Now that you’ve mentioned…I think I’ll watch them again. I saw them all before I was in “relationship mode.” hee hee I might have a new take on them now.

    How are you going to watch them. I think FW said the episodes are online or maybe it’s Netflix. Do you know? If not online, I’ll order seasons DVD from library.

    xoxo
    SLV



  457.  #457LobbyStar on June 8, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    444.

    I want the Love Scripts too… badly!! But I just lost one of my jobs, and living on just the one is a struggle as it is. So it will have to wait.



  458.  #458DE on June 8, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    Oh, Lilybelle 🙂 Long hair wig??? Yay…one of my girls uses them…one is long brown, the other long red…both hot…I am really thinking of buying a few myself 🙂 I always wanted to be a short Nordic blonde…lol …bad ass body…and carrying a “wip”…lol…really, i am kidding about the wip…lol

    Warm hugs,



  459.  #459Lilybelle on June 8, 2011 at 6:38 pm

    456:

    I think I’ll continue to utilize my Netflix membership if possible. I haven’t watched TV in bed for YEARS. Sunday, I made myself breakfast and ate it in bed and watched Nip/Tuck and rather enjoyed it. I felt quite pampered.

    If they don’t offer it on netflix, I’ll get creative. hmmmm better go check netflix now…



  460.  #460DE on June 8, 2011 at 6:41 pm

    Lily T: #453:

    i can totally see u as analyzing statistical data…lol…we sure have a few things in “common”…lol

    I do wonder though, how would Lily T express herself after a few cocktails 🙂 I use my imagination 🙂 lol

    Teasing here, really…

    Warm hugs,



  461.  #461Femininewoman on June 8, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    It’s on E! every night, EXTRA before the Khloe and Lamar (The Khardasians)



  462.  #462Lilybelle on June 8, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    459:

    Crud.. they don’t offer it to stream to your puter. DVD only.

    The library is a place to start and I have a girlfriend whos show fetish was created from that show. I’ll try those.

    🙂



  463.  #463DE on June 8, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    Ok…tonite, is date nite…got to get ready…this is the 1st meeting at a local bakery/coffee shop…La Petite Province…yay…love me some French man 🙂

    So, we shall see…

    Au revoir mon amies!!!!



  464.  #464Lilybelle on June 8, 2011 at 6:44 pm

    458:

    Well, I have the short, blond, sassy hair cut so I thought I would try something different. 😉

    🙂



  465.  #465Lilybelle on June 8, 2011 at 6:45 pm

    461:

    Good to know. I do prefer to watch in order, from season to episode. That way I know what is happening with whom in the order it is happening.



  466.  #466Lilybelle on June 8, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    463:

    Oh la la…

    Have fun!!!



  467.  #467Daria on June 8, 2011 at 6:48 pm

    i still feel afraid of men’s anger.. men can hit me when they’re angry like my grandfather

    even if they love me very much they can turn into these unfeeling robots with glassy eyes



  468.  #468Daria on June 8, 2011 at 6:49 pm

    Yes it’s my birthday! THank you for the wishes everyone!!

    Happy Birthday to me!! woo hoo!



  469.  #469Lily T. on June 8, 2011 at 6:51 pm

    #460 🙂

    Maybe one night I’ll have a few cocktails, get on the blog, and we’ll all find out! Wheeee.



  470.  #470Senior Lady Vibe on June 8, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    #461: Femininewoman says:
    It’s on E! every night,

    Oh, yeah, that was what you told me. I don’t have that station. I’ll have to view on library DVD again. I bought the first movie but only watched it once, not as good as the series. i didn’t see the second one, maybe I’ll get that too but won’t buy it.

    xoxo
    SLV



  471.  #471Daria on June 8, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    My message from last night was that my self esteem is highly grown… And there are still certain things that trigger me

    Like men’s anger

    Right now I feel afraid of my dad…

    I don’t feel like an invitation

    All the financial stuff is not figured out… I wonder if I blame him for it

    Hmmm



  472.  #472Lucy on June 8, 2011 at 6:58 pm

    I don’t understand why there would be any mystery around why men look at porn, nor mystery around why it bothers wives/gf’s. Sex feels good – looking at porn is a sexual experience (whether or not it results in orgasm) that is convenient, pleasurable, intense, low-risk, has no emotional or relationship load, etc. Easy sex. Naturally people want it. And it bothers a wife/gf bc she feels bad when her man pursues sexual experiences with other women (unless they are in an open relationship where they’re ok w).



  473.  #473Daria on June 8, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    TransfOrder man says he doesn’t feel the way he does w me w anyone else. He loves me. He feels sad I have other boyfriends.

    Even the way I touch him, it’s different. He says he feels he can be himself. It’s like coming home.

    Mmm. This reminds me of the way I felt with Guywho



  474.  #474Lily T. on June 8, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    #472 Lucy,

    On another forum I’ve read, one of the main points about porn is that women feel bad when their man views it, but he doesn’t care that it makes her feel bad, he continues to view it anyway. To the women that comes across as her feelings aren’t as important as pictures on the computer (or whatever).



  475.  #475Lucy on June 8, 2011 at 7:04 pm

    Also, like Rusty said, men often do climax with porn w/o their partner. And this often leads to the partner’s sexual needs being at least partially unmet especially if she is not going solo as well.



  476.  #476Lucy on June 8, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    474 Lily, yes. And add to that that she is made to feel as if she is the one with the problem – that she should be accepting of it. These days women are often shamed for feeling bad about their partner’s porn use.



  477.  #477Mel on June 8, 2011 at 7:11 pm

    474

    Lilly T.

    I think that pretty much sums it up…

    Although come to think of it… I don’t necessarily think they don’t care. If they didn’t care, it would be more out in the open. Men hide their porn use (I think) because they want to look at it, but know it hurts their gf/wife’s feelings. In some way they are trying to “spare us” or rather they think they are sparing us from the hurt. But really, they are just protecting themselves from the hurt that could result if she found out.

    Sorry if this is rambly…

    I definitely felt like my feelings didn’t matter though.

    I’m trying to get to a place where I can say… that’s what he chooses. No judgement. Now… can I feel okay with this or do I choose something different?



  478.  #478Lily T. on June 8, 2011 at 7:19 pm

    Yes Mel, you are right too. Sometimes (I believe) men hide the porn viewing for both those reasons – they don’t want to hurt their partner and also they don’t want the grief coming down on them for being “caught” at it after they said they wouldn’t look at it anymore.

    The problem though is that they don’t stop looking, and their partner still feels bad that they are.

    I don’t know what the answer is.



  479.  #479Senior Lady Vibe on June 8, 2011 at 7:19 pm

    Just thinking…. what did people did “porn-wise” in the olden days without easily available home porn? i think relationships have changed because of it.

    Where my uncles might have had a stag party and some 16mm stag flick… now every teen can get modern porn on their laptops, things those old guys never saw…

    xoxo
    SLV



  480.  #480Senior Lady Vibe on June 8, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    too many dids… hahaha



  481.  #481FlowerChild77 on June 8, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    #450/Lilybelle for that. I feel better now that I’ve talked about it (it helps me to process when I put words to things) I’m trying to find a balance between “that” (feeling/thinking/overthinking) and thinking about my future without him–if that’s how it turns out.

    I’m working on letting go of the outcome completely. I admit I’m a little partial about which ending I want —which probably isn’t a good thing for my vibe or my future. Baby steps….

    FW, I LOVE Sex and the City! I’ve seen them all many, many times and I still watch it when it’s on—-BUT—-since I’ve found Rori and know what she teaches—I’ve started to see everything in a new way. So it’s like watching new episodes (well, kind of) because I can really “see” what’s going on.

    When I watched the movie (the first one/the wedding) I saw Mr. Big as a non-committal jerk and wondered how Carrie would ever feel safe with him always having to wonder if he’d back out/take off/leave/flake out—-as has been his MO throughout the entire series.

    The second time I watched, I could see how and why “the wedding” didn’t turn out. Not that he couldn’t have done things differently or that Carrie was so wrong, etc. but I could really see what was going on. (I really don’t think (you may disagree) that Miranda’s comment to him had anything to do with him not showing up.)

    I would never have believed that I could change my mind about Mr. Big. No way–not after all those years of him disappointing Carrie. But just like the movie, I saw in the show how the dynamic was the same between them. After she slept with him she was ‘hooked’ and from then on was trying to ‘get something’ and he resisted. Period. And it just kept happening over and over just different circumstances.

    This is a big deal for me, ladies! I feel so ‘wise’ that I can now see this. I keep feeling like I’m not making any progress, but that’s not true! 🙂

    I also keep remembering from one of Rori’s videos where she talks about the two ways we can do life. One way is to live from epic passion (FMs, etc.) The other way is to get small….and complain. I cringe when I think back on my life knowing I did the latter for most of it. 🙁

    I feel SO much gratitude for Rori’s work and this blog. I appreciate all you beautiful Sirens helping me <3



  482.  #482Mel on June 8, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    “I don’t know what the answer is”

    Me either.

    I wish my husband would not have told me he wouldn’t do it any more if he had no intention (or ability) to keep that promise. That just makes it feel worse because then deception is thrown into the equation.



  483.  #483Senior Lady Vibe on June 8, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    @482: Mel says:
    “..I wish my husband would not have told me he wouldn’t do it any more if he had no intention (or ability) to keep that promise.,,”

    Maybe he did have the intention, not knowing he did not have the ability…

    xoxo
    SLV



  484.  #484Lily T. on June 8, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    SLV,
    Your post kind of goes to Lucy’s – porn has become so prevalent that women who don’t like it are sometimes made to feel shamed into accepting it, like it’s a normal part of “male life” they should just deal with. Fact is, men can live without it – most did until 15 yrs. or so ago. And there are men out there who “aren’t that into it”, can take it or leave it. I know, I lived with them.



  485.  #485Mel on June 8, 2011 at 7:36 pm

    This is possible, SLV.



  486.  #486Lucy on June 8, 2011 at 7:43 pm

    484 Lily T – well said.



  487.  #487Senior Lady Vibe on June 8, 2011 at 7:45 pm

    @484: Lily T. says:
    “…Fact is, men can live without it – most did until 15 yrs. or so ago. And there are men out there who “aren’t that into it”, can take it or leave it. I know, I lived with them….”

    It was not like this in the 70s and 80s. Porn was less “mainstream.” I recall my boyfriend getting all excited over a screening of “Deep Throat.” He was eager to take me to the cinema screening it before…literally the cops came to shut it down… we went more as an adventure than anything else.

    Then… the 90s struck and so did the www “The World Wide Web” the alt BBs gave way to “visuals.” Porn on command arrived and about that time everyone’s pubes began to go “Brazilian.” hahaha LOL 😆

    xoxo
    SLV



  488.  #488Lucy on June 8, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    477 Mel. I feel good about your last paragraph – not judging him, yet determining for yourself what your personal boundaries and needs are. It is important not to judge Ourselves about our own boundaries and needs. <3



  489.  #489Lily T. on June 8, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    Yep. I’m still not a “Brazillian” girl though. Too ichy. 😉



  490.  #490Daria on June 8, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    i like porn! yay porn!

    i don’t like racism and sexism though



  491.  #491Senior Lady Vibe on June 8, 2011 at 8:04 pm

    @489: Lily T. says:
    “Yep. I’m still not a “Brazillian” girl …”

    Me either. 😉

    xoxo
    SLV



  492.  #492Mel on June 8, 2011 at 8:04 pm

    “women who don’t like it are sometimes made to feel shamed into accepting it, like it’s a normal part of “male life” they should just deal with.”

    I think what I am realizing is that I DO need to accept that this may be a part of him that he can’t or doesn’t want to change. Accept that this is maybe who he is.

    But… this doesn’t mean I have to accept it in my life if that’s not what I’m comfortable with (still deciding at this point). Accepting HIM can still mean maybe I choose to walk away.

    Tinque had a post once about evaluating whether or not it is a deal breaker. For her, if I’m not mistaken, her man was near perfect in every other way, so she chose to be more accepting of porn.

    Perhaps if some of the other aspects of our marriage could feel better, through counseling and being more mindful of each other, I might have this attitude too.

    It all depends, I guess.



  493.  #493Lucy on June 8, 2011 at 8:14 pm

    Mel, that is the place I got to with my ex-h… I accept him and his sexuality, but it doesn’t meet my relationship and sexual needs… so we are now friends and I am open and ready to have a relationship with a man who is more compatible with me.



  494.  #494Lele on June 8, 2011 at 9:06 pm

    I was having wonderful talks and emails with G. A lot of fun and we were planning a meet. Then he used Bimbo and I was uncomfortable with that. I expressed that feeling. Now he says he’s not sure what to do, puzzled by what happened. He just wants to drop the whole thing and forget we ever knew each other. He is being careful with his words and that is no fun. I feel sad and angry.
    I feel like there is nothing that can be done.
    Maybe I should just let it all go.
    A little help would be appreciated.



  495.  #495T-Girl on June 8, 2011 at 9:15 pm

    Lele, so you never met yet, but he called you a Bimbo? I would be uncomfortable too. If you haven’t met then you really don’t have anything invested in him.



  496.  #496Lele on June 8, 2011 at 9:22 pm

    Yeah, not much invested. It felt good. A lot of talk and shared views/interests.

    I don’t have a lot of interest shining on me. At least not after I state my boundry on no casual sex or phone sex. lol

    This felt good.



  497.  #497T-Girl on June 8, 2011 at 9:26 pm

    Lele, that is OK because then the men that don’t respect your boundaries are weeding themselves out and leaving an opening for the ones that will repect your boundaries.