Moving On After 8 Years And Lots Of Pain

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Here’s a great story (and I consider it a success story…) from Lindsay–>>

Dear Rori,

I have been reading your articles for probably a year and as I read each one it seems like you are speaking directly to me and my life. With your help and the help of other advice I pulled myself through a relationship “break-up” which I thought was a relationship break-down.” This is my condensed story.

I had been with a man for 8 years. Both of us were divorced and we dated and stuck together through raising three boys of my own and his two girls. Of course, we never moved in together but in my heart and mind I thought one day we would be married. Through the years we argued on numerous occasions because in my mind he was a “liar.”

He would constantly not answer his phone, he often not tell me the whole truth about his plans and many times he would be out of town without me ever knowing. He was very comfortable because he knew I had sons living with me and would not or could not “drift” because of my responsibilities.

Well, as my kids finished school and began moving out, his ways never changed. The last year of our relationship was a nightmare, the arguing increased and in December I found out that he was in contact by phone, email and also sent gifts to his “college sweetheart”. Did he tell me the whole truth about that, no.

Also, at the time I found out that one of my dear friends whom I confided in was on a daily contact with him revealing my inner feelings to him. My God, it was more than I could handle, but I could not bring myself to give him up, instead he gave me up. Two weeks later, he is in another relationship and has been with this person for 6 months.

For 4 months, I was close to a depression, I cried everyday for 4 months, could not sleep, could not get him out of my mind and could not understand why God was not helping me only him. That’s when I did so much reading, church everyday, looking for advice, help or something to get me through this.

Finally, my birthday was June 1 and I woke up and said to myself, this is a new year for you Lindy, no more tears, its time to move on. Four days later, I met a man or better yet a “gentleman” whom I have been seeing since then. Our relationship is so comfortable and easy compared to my last.

But I can’t honestly say that I am completely over my 8 year relationship. I have not seen or talked to him for 5 months and then lately in the last two weeks he and his new girlfriend have been to a few of the same functions that me and my new friend have attended.

On both occasions, I have told him hello with a smile on my face and he looks at me as if he has so much anger towards me. That is what I can’t understand. I was the one devastated, who cried for months, did not go out in public other than barely making it to work and I don’t harbor the anger, he does.

Please help me to understand because the only reasoning I get is that he was never wrong in the 8 years we were together and I guess he doesn’t feel he is wrong for treating me that way today. I do know that and thank God everyday that he kept us from meeting before now, I don’t know how I would have felt about seeing him with another woman, but today I know I was strong and had come a long way because my heart did not hurt.

I would sincerely appreciate any advice or comment you can send to me. The only advice I can give to other women, it does get better in time and there is a reason and a plan. At the time when your life is falling apart you can’t see it but as the days go by things become clearer.

Today, as I look back, I thought my life could not go on without him in it, but much to my surprise I have a new life, new happiness, and relief knowing that I can wake up in the morning not expecting to hear a lie or game played behind my back.

We all have crosses to carry in life, I know this was not my first and it won’t be my last, but what I have learned is that I am moving on without him and most importantly I do as well deserve to smile.

Thanks, Lindsay

Note From Rori:

I want to thank you for your story…and to applaud you for all you’ve done for yourself, and to encourage you to know this is a part of your “toxic” past…and that, of course, you will continue to have feelings you don’t like and don’t understand…but that’s just not important!!!

What’s important is that you keep working for YOU…to have the life and love you want…and don’t let the unpleasant stuff that comes up pull you down.

My programs and book are full of Tools to help you go THROUGH these things instead of trying to conquer them…

Love, Rori

521 Comments

  1.  #1Smile on January 11, 2013 at 9:06 am

    Yey!



  2.  #2Smile on January 11, 2013 at 9:07 am

    I’m 1st and 2nd!! Woop, I feel a little excited πŸ™‚ to be here right now πŸ™‚



  3.  #3Sassy on January 11, 2013 at 9:08 am

    First time ever first??!!! Woohoo!!!

    Nice story, gives hope to those going through break-ups.
    There’s always another man right around the corner.
    Wonder when Ima go around that corner….



  4.  #4Sassy on January 11, 2013 at 9:08 am

    Awwww Smile, guess we hit it at the same time but I was rambling



  5.  #5Annie on January 11, 2013 at 9:13 am

    OMG!.
    Feel both sad and happy to read this.
    Sad at the wasted years and pain this woman endured and happy that she is now moving on and away from pain towards love ans happiness.



  6.  #6Lori on January 11, 2013 at 9:15 am

    FW and ladies, FW posted in the previous thread about how a man deals with heartbreak, I responded. I’m really curious as to what you think.



  7.  #7Annie on January 11, 2013 at 9:16 am

    Such betrayal and bad treatment, heartbreaking. Thank God she is heading to a better place now.



  8.  #8Tam on January 11, 2013 at 9:17 am

    Hey Smile!!



  9.  #9Starla on January 11, 2013 at 9:18 am

    i read an old rori post and now i’m just getting clear on something with myself:

    i don’t want to live with a man until we are engaged and soon to be married. period. this will not budge.



  10.  #10Smile on January 11, 2013 at 9:20 am

    Hi Tam!!

    Ha sassy That’s why I went for a one word lol! I thought it wasn’t loading at first then I realised there were no comments so I got super excited and was like oo oo quick lol!



  11.  #11Annie on January 11, 2013 at 9:22 am

    It feels sad to me Lori.
    A temporary fix and distraction that obviously feels good to them in the moment but is temporary so leaves them empty afterwards, because the core problem is still there. Empty casual sex is temporarily filling the void, numbing out the pain.

    It would feel best to me to steer clear of men in that place. Actually more than steer clear. I would be running in the other direction. Saying no to what I didn’t want, so when I did want turned up I was ready and in a healthy place to say yes to it.

    What do you think?



  12.  #12Starla on January 11, 2013 at 9:22 am

    i would also LOVE a long engagement. like 18 months. This gives us lots of time to ease out of our individual single lives and into a new home together as the wedding actually approaches, and it gives us time to plan the event and just be stress free.

    i want qz to know this and our convo about it was loaded with euphemisms so i’m not actually positive we’re on the same page exactly. definitely close enough for now. he says marriage in a few years. i like that, but i want the engagement to be long first, like in another year or two. i didn’t say that because i felt afraid of scaring him off, even though i think he would like my idea very much.

    i wish it would come up again! cuz i think we’re really more on the same page than we realized cuz we were scared to say some wrong dealbreaking thing.



  13.  #13Smile on January 11, 2013 at 9:23 am

    Starla, after I lived with ex of 10 years this was my boundary too, but then I cabs when I met strummingman but I did think I had the whole enchilada on it’s way. Now my boundary would be not until the ring arrives… But wait I might not even get married so I need to rethink this boundary too.



  14.  #14Sassy on January 11, 2013 at 9:23 am

    Smile,

    Lol it’s all good



  15.  #15Annie on January 11, 2013 at 9:24 am

    9: Starla says:

    i read an old rori post and now i’m just getting clear on something with myself:

    i don’t want to live with a man until we are engaged and soon to be married. period. this will not budge.

    I feel synchronized with you on that one Starla.



  16.  #16Starla on January 11, 2013 at 9:25 am

    i just don’t want to bring it up in the wrong way, because i would really like our focus to be actually enjoying and being with each other, not seeming like i’m focused on this other stuff that’s bigger than us.



  17.  #17Starla on January 11, 2013 at 9:28 am

    maybe i can just tell him, i’ve been feeling weird cuz i know i wasn’t as clear as i could have been about my desires, and i’d rather bring it up now and then drop it so we can just enjoy each other, cuz none of this future talk matters if we don’t actually arrive there first.

    and then we can get on the same page and then let it drop. i don’t want us feeling the pressure of an engagement to be married before we’re actually even engaged. i just want to enjoy each other for the next year or two.



  18.  #18Iamabutterfly on January 11, 2013 at 9:36 am

    I feel really happy. and really ambivalent towards men. This feels good…



  19.  #19Iamabutterfly on January 11, 2013 at 9:40 am

    hey Starla, I read somewhere that the two year point is usually a tough point in relationships. its where men become unsure of how they feel, and where women start to really push (want) marriage.

    patience. and keep your options open. I feel a little nervous because you seem to be in an exclusive relationship without marriage on the table, when marriage seems to be what you eventually want…

    why not date QZ AND other men for the next two years or so…? someone better might step up…



  20.  #20Mercedes on January 11, 2013 at 9:44 am

    K2012: I posted this comment on the last thread but wasn’t sure if you would go back there since the new post is up so thought I would add it here as well…

    Actually, if one of us wanted to get married and the other didn’t, it wouldn’t really be a problem for us because we’ve already discussed this with each other. We both know that one of us could move toward that desire while the other one isn’t even thinking about it and we decided that we are not going to lose each other over something like marriage. If either of us feels it in our hearts, we will get married.

    We both have children from previous marriages (he has two and I have three). We’ve known each other for 11 years and have been together solid for 8 years now. YAY us!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  21.  #21Starla on January 11, 2013 at 9:51 am

    I was so triggered yesterday with tam. Not at tam, just the triggers that came up were so big. and i really got huffy like a little brat (<—judging myself) who wants everyone to know how much they should take her seriously.

    i didn't get a lot of recognition growing up and now that i've actually done some big deal things, i am really sensitive to it being dismissed.

    i crave validation big time



  22.  #22Starla on January 11, 2013 at 9:53 am

    lama, marriage is absolutely on the table, and the timeline is in a few years. but i think he might think i meant i want to be married in a year or two, not just engaged, because we were dancing around the terms “marriage” and “engaged” lol. towards the end of the convo we agreed to stop using euphemisms but we were so starving we gave up and went to dinner lol



  23.  #23Starla on January 11, 2013 at 10:06 am

    so basically, i am happy with what he’s offered; it’s exactly what i want, i think, but i feel all weird an unsettled because the conversation was a bit mired in nerves and light treading



  24.  #24Starla on January 11, 2013 at 10:08 am

    i feel really heavy and uneasy thinking that he has misinterpreted my desires because we were using euphemisms and being just a little bit too careful with our diction. it would feel really good to just take 5 minutes or less to be super clear, and then let it drop so we can actually enjoy each other and develop our relationship.



  25.  #25Starla on January 11, 2013 at 10:18 am

    “hey babe? i’ve been feeling sorta heavy and uneasy wondering if we may have misinterpreted each other’s desires when we talked at the restaurant last week about being together, because we were using euphemisms and being just a little bit too careful with our words, you know what i mean? i would feel sooo much lighter and more relaxed if we could just take 5 minutes to be super clear about our expectations, and then let it drop so we can actually BE together and not worry about some finish line until the time comes.”

    i’m just scared to be make it seem like it’s a big focus of mine, and i’m scared that bringing it up will make him want to change his mind haha lol



  26.  #26Starla on January 11, 2013 at 10:20 am

    *and i don’t want to worry that you have the wrong idea about what my expectations are, so i would feel so much lighter if _______

    hmm

    this isn’t so bad

    i can do this



  27.  #27Starla on January 11, 2013 at 10:25 am

    more tweaking

    “last week when we were talking at the restaurant about what we have in mind for down the road and expectations and all that, we ended up treading really lightly with our words and using euphemisms. and i noticed i’ve been feeling kinda heavy and uneasy thinking maybe we could have misinterpreted each other, so i would feel sooo much lighter and relaxed if we could just take like 5 minutes to be super clear with each other on the topic, and then just let it drop so we can actually enjoy each other and not worry about the finish line until that time comes. What do you think?”



  28.  #28Iamabutterfly on January 11, 2013 at 10:30 am

    @Starla 25 – that felt really long. how bout just “I would feel sooo much lighter and more relaxed if we could just take 5 minutes to be super clear about our expectations, what do you think?”

    I have no idea what you mean about euphemisms. I feel confused…



  29.  #29Iamabutterfly on January 11, 2013 at 10:31 am

    Was HE the one to bring up an engagement or were you?



  30.  #30Starla on January 11, 2013 at 10:35 am

    oh, by euphemisms i mean words that replace taboo ones. taboo words like marriage, engagement, etc.

    instead we said things like ‘take it beyond boyfriend/girlfriend,’ ‘be together forever,’ etc.

    so it was a little confusing. when he said a few years, i got a little panicked because i don’t want to wait 3-4 years to get engaged. but he meant marriage in a few years, not the engagement. and i said that i wouldn’t want to shut my options down if it would take more than a year or two to be positive about me. and i think he took that to mean that i want to be married within a year or two. i don’t. i want to be engaged.

    and he tried to accomodate my preference and suggest that he would consider doing it sooner, but i don’t actually want to get married in a year or two! i just want to be engaged. and i could see it made him uncomfortable but he just wants me to be happy, you know? and so i have been feeling this ‘pressure’ feeling for the both of us now. and he’s probably feeling it too haha



  31.  #31Starla on January 11, 2013 at 10:37 am

    29 lama, he brought up that he wants to be with me for the rest of his life, and i said that sounds marvelous and asked him about what he had in mind for that and timelines.



  32.  #32Starla on January 11, 2013 at 10:38 am

    we really tried to be brave and direct in that conversation, haha. we really, really did. aw. we just have some more work to do in the communicating department.



  33.  #33Starla on January 11, 2013 at 10:40 am

    31 (to which he said he wants to get married, but first he said he didn’t want to scare me off, and i told him to go for it and just tell me! haha)



  34.  #34Dominique on January 11, 2013 at 10:41 am

    β€œlast week when we were talking at the restaurant about what we have in mind for down the road, it seemed we were treading really lightly with our words. It all felt unclear, and now I notice myself feeling uneasy, concerned over possible misinterpretations. It would feel good to me if we could just take a few minutes to clarify. What do you think?”

    Starla – What do you think?

    xxoo



  35.  #35Iamabutterfly on January 11, 2013 at 10:42 am

    @Starla – I get ya. If I ever get to the point of marriage, (which is what I eventually want, I think, lol) I want to get a covenant marriage. They require you to go to a ton of pre-marital counseling, a lot of which specifically focuses on male/female communication. also, it’s much more difficult to obtain a divorce with a covenant marriage. I want mine to last and I want to know he wants that as well!



  36.  #36Starla on January 11, 2013 at 10:43 am

    34 dominique, yay thank you for chiming in.

    i think your suggestion sounds like i just want to double check that he wants to get married asap (which i don’t!) lol.



  37.  #37Starla on January 11, 2013 at 10:44 am

    actually dominique, my reaction to 34 is just me feeling self conscious about him maybe thinking i’m a pressurey marriage obsessed female. i think that objectively and on their own, those words are great.

    hmmm..

    i still feel so optimistic that he and i can have this convo. or talk about anything, really.



  38.  #38Iamabutterfly on January 11, 2013 at 10:45 am

    Honestly, I am so content being single. However, I do have many moments where I feel desperately lonely and long for a man with whom to share life.

    Freedom, flexibility, and respect are all extremely important to me. I want to find a man who can give me that, to whom I can give that…



  39.  #39Dominique on January 11, 2013 at 10:48 am

    I understand Starla, and I think you might want to be upfront with that rather than dance around this with a bunch of words. I think you could say pretty much what you said in 37, for there is your truth.

    xxoo



  40.  #40Starla on January 11, 2013 at 10:48 am

    “Freedom, flexibility, and respect are all extremely important to me.”

    meeeee too



  41.  #41Lori on January 11, 2013 at 10:49 am

    Hi Annie, it would feel sad to me too. My guy is so stressed out and not himself that he doesn’t even want sex, which is bothering him too.



  42.  #42Femininewoman on January 11, 2013 at 10:50 am

    Yayyy Starla



  43.  #43Starla on January 11, 2013 at 10:51 am

    thanks dominique

    and now i’m remembering about a time in the past when i talked to him about something serious, and i felt like maybe i sent the wrong message, so i followed up to clarify… and he was so appreciative! and just showered me with compliments about how open and honest i always am.



  44.  #44Lori on January 11, 2013 at 10:53 am

    FW, there you are! I responded to your post about men and breakups in the previous thread. Would you read and let me know?



  45.  #45Femininewoman on January 11, 2013 at 10:54 am

    Lori you have said that he is under a lot of stress, right?

    The other thing is when there is anger sex might be the first thing that disappears.



  46.  #46Starla on January 11, 2013 at 10:56 am

    hah thanks, fw, what are the “yay”s for?



  47.  #47Lori on January 11, 2013 at 10:58 am

    FW, yes, he’s under an extreme amount of stress and the last time we saw each other, he told me that his ex is harassing him. He can get an erection, he either can’t retain or can’t complete. He’s frustrated.

    He wanted me to know it wasn’t me. That he didn’t suddenly become unattracted to me or stop wanting me.



  48.  #48Femininewoman on January 11, 2013 at 11:05 am

    Lori I know that this might be frustrating for you but my sense is that it might be best to try and believe him. Unless you feel afraid and have evidence that there is another woman in the picture. I believe Dominique would be a great resource for you.



  49.  #49Femininewoman on January 11, 2013 at 11:06 am

    Starla you obviously know what you want and are willing to vote for yourself.



  50.  #50Lori on January 11, 2013 at 11:07 am

    I do believe he is being honest with me FW. It seemed to be really important to him that I believe him and that he didn’t want or have another woman. I didn’t ask about it, he offered.

    I’ve been leaning back. I have this visualize image of us in a bubble, I’m leaning back as far as I can without leaving the bubble.



  51.  #51Starla on January 11, 2013 at 11:08 am

    ohhh ok fw thanks for explaining:) and thanks for the encouragement hehe



  52.  #52Calypso on January 11, 2013 at 11:12 am

    On FB, the “God wants You to Know” app just told me this:

    “Your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and melt all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it”

    Melt barriers . . . ilike that! Will do . . .



  53.  #53Femininewoman on January 11, 2013 at 11:12 am

    Lori from what you have been writing it seems you want more sex and that is not happening. I imagine that this is how he would be in the future so if I were you I would ask myself if I could handle this should this continue.



  54.  #54Lori on January 11, 2013 at 11:18 am

    FW, actually that’s not the case. In fact when we talked about it, I told him that we don’t have to have sex every time we see each other. I’m satisfied and fine. He’s the one that responded with “oh yes we do”. lol. It’s not like that was the focus. We are both in are late 40’s. He’s having trouble excepting that he is changing physically. I’m good with it.



  55.  #55Tam on January 11, 2013 at 11:34 am

    Hm. Very weird feelings cropping up for me.
    I have this man on my case who is so into me that it frightens the living daylights out of me..because maybe deep inside I just can’t imagine that anybody would be so into me? No idea. This is worrying…because what if he is?
    If he was then I could see myself falling for him because it would mean that the issues could be resolved further down the road.

    So today I actually raised a concern and wasn’t sure how he would respond and got very jittery…and although they are only words so far, and I am waiting to see the actions, he basically said ‘no problem if this is what you want, whatever I can do to make you feel good, this is all about you’.

    So that was relatively easy (I hope the actions will follow).
    So why have I such fear to speak up?
    Hm.

    Everything is really getting better, the conversations and the sex is really getting more intimate (the one time after me saying ‘I need more time’..things seem to get better).
    He is the one that’s opening up and not me and that makes me feel quite safe. He goes first. Not me.
    Maybe that is what I need. Someone who is emotionally healthy enough to make allowances for me…and he tells me how he feels when I do something, good or bad. And I get it. And then I can do the same…hm.

    I don’t know. The issues, the issues.
    Really, I have never been treated better. Ever. Nobody has tuned into my emotions as much, and/or offered me everything on a plate before and said he could not replace me, and that he wants me to be the last woman he dates and sleeps with – no question. He’s had his share of relationships and he says I am just beyond the women he has been with in many ways, and he has been looking for someone like me for a very long time.
    And I can see that in his eyes, I have no doubt that he absolutely believes what he says.
    This is scary stuff for me. Really scary stuff.
    Really, really, really scary stuff because it just doesn’t arrive at my heart…brain yes, heart no. There is so much protection around my heart, urgh.

    And I am still holding back.
    I could realy fall for him if I let myself. But I feel like he is under the microscope..my microscope…one teeny tiny fault/problem/slip up and I will say ‘aha, I knew it, he really isn’t any good’…like I am some kind of Judge or something. I want to heal this, this is a bad attitude actually. I want to set him up for failure. I really do!! So I can run. Aaaargh!! Not good.

    Meanwhile I have a date with another guy tomorrow….and perhaps that is just what the doctor ordered at this point.



  56.  #56Tam on January 11, 2013 at 11:59 am

    Ah, it’s all good, I’m just gonna take it day by day!!



  57.  #57Tam on January 11, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    I guess I just don’t know how to behave anymore because it has been such a while since I entered a relationship that wasn’t entered on the basis of instant attraction and hormone haze in a week or two.
    We have been dating for 6 weeks and there was no big attraction from me and everything is kind of slowly happening – and I have no idea really how this works. So I fret.
    It feels confusing to dilly dally and keep refusing being an ‘instant’ girlfriend…I just never had to.
    So I wonder how long it takes for an average relationship to start off and become official?
    How long should one take?
    No idea.
    When it feels right?
    I have no idea when that is!



  58.  #58Smile on January 11, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    Omg I am majorly judging this guy based on the dogs he owns! Wow I’d be scared to set foot near them. I’m also feeling judgemental around the kind of person who typically owns these dogs. Staffies… They feel violent. Totally being judgemdnal here I know. The guy is quite sweet though. I’m scared of dogs but might have been open to a sausage dog or a poodle! Or a husky?



  59.  #59Smile on January 11, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    I feel disappointed I’m judging dog cd when he seems a lovely guy.



  60.  #60Starla on January 11, 2013 at 12:16 pm

    smile have you told him you feel a little afraid of his kind of dog?

    i would love to see him made aware of this so he has the opportunity to make you more comfortable



  61.  #61Smile on January 11, 2013 at 12:20 pm

    Tam, as time goes on you will get a feel for what life with him would be like. For me it would take a few months before I knew someone more in order to make a decision to be exclusive.



  62.  #62Tam on January 11, 2013 at 12:20 pm

    Staffies can be great with the right owner…we had one at our place of work. Total softie



  63.  #63Smile on January 11, 2013 at 12:23 pm

    Starla, I was about to message him back but I was put of by this. I will have a cup of tea and then do it. I never thought a dog would be a deal breaker for me but right now it is, even if he tried to make me feel comfortable. I feel rigid like I don’t even want to relax my fear πŸ™ And to make it worse… He has 2!! Yikes!



  64.  #64Starla on January 11, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    smile i sooo understand your fear. i used to go door to door recruiting members for an environmental lobby i worked for, and i got attacked by an aggressive breed. i am still scared of most dogs. but i have learned that it’s not the breed, but the owner, that determines how the dog will act!



  65.  #65Smile on January 11, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    Tam, I know your prob right. I have a fear of dogs in general so I was a bit unsure but thought I’d stay open and find out a bit more. I 100% also would not want to bring a child up in a home with dogs either.



  66.  #66Tam on January 11, 2013 at 12:27 pm

    Smile, I guess that’s it. It will be right when it feels right. And at this time I am not there yet. I will be sexually exclusive as long as that feels good, but I’ll stay open to meeting other men. Something is holding me back and I trust my instinct. I am kind of warming to the idea that I could be his girlfriend in the future, and he has offered me everything pretty much…but it is way too early for me.
    It feels empowering to wait



  67.  #67Smile on January 11, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    Yes, I do agree on the owner front. But… There is a certain image and stigma I attach with this type of dog, even if its a softie. Again my judgmental side. This is not an image I want to create for myself πŸ™



  68.  #68Smile on January 11, 2013 at 12:30 pm

    Wow, what judgements and fears I hold around Staffies lol!



  69.  #69Tam on January 11, 2013 at 12:30 pm

    Smile, i love dogs but they do restrict one’s life. Curly has one and he can’t ever leave him for long, so he either has to come along or we don’t have too much time out and about. It can be a pain. In fact, it is already.



  70.  #70Smile on January 11, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    Tam, keep feeling your feelings and being courageous with your Opening up to him. πŸ™‚



  71.  #71Tam on January 11, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    In fact, his dog is the same as him.friendly but reserved, calm with a stubborn streak and totally relaxed until another male gets too close. Too funny. The dog is also a woman magnet…just like he is. As if he needed another one! Lol. Very amusing to see them together actually just strolling along.



  72.  #72Smile on January 11, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    Tam, that’s another ‘against’ lol. But this is about how I feel about the guy, I’m making all these judgements on a dog lol. I guess dogs are for life though so would play a huge part in it. They are also expensive.



  73.  #73Smile on January 11, 2013 at 12:36 pm

    I’m laughing at myself for what I’m about to say…
    I believe people look like their dogs… Again going back to the image of a staffie. This now reflects bad on him in my eyes. πŸ™
    ((poor guy being judged by me on what dog he has))



  74.  #74Lori on January 11, 2013 at 12:39 pm

    Smile, you’re totally making me laugh with your comments. lol



  75.  #75Lori on January 11, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    Day 2 of leaning back, no contact. Also, Day 2 of CDing. blech. It’s fun but yet…



  76.  #76Calypso on January 11, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    Ohhhh . . . I am such a dog lover! It hurts my heart to know my siren friends are afraid and have had bad experiences πŸ™

    I have 5 dogs and they are such lovers and they don’t have to tie you down – you just have to plan ahead. My 3 sons were raised with dogs and I know it helped them in so many ways. Dogs can teach us a lot about the capacity to love and be loved.



  77.  #77Calypso on January 11, 2013 at 12:51 pm

    Smile – i also believe people start to resemble their dogs – too funny! I have very pretty dogs . . . hehe



  78.  #78Starla on January 11, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    uh yeah i’m never getting a dog now. lol



  79.  #79Smile on January 11, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    Lori, I realise what I’m saying is idiotic but they are my real fears and judgements. I’m like ‘how on earth can I be thinking these things but I am πŸ™‚



  80.  #80Lori on January 11, 2013 at 1:06 pm

    Smile, it’s not your fears that are making me laugh. It’s your comments about how owners resemble their dogs. That’s so funny! lol



  81.  #81Smile on January 11, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    Calypso, I was brought up around 2 dogs that were ex of 10 years’s. They were part of my family. In fact when we went through a rough patch one of the dogs sensed my sorrow, I remember talking to him and crying on him. When we broke up I missed them terribly. But these were springer spaniels, not staffies.
    Where I live there is a stigma attached to this type of dog. Scally’s ‘typically’ own them. This is more my judgement. But I’d call my brother a scally lol and I love him dearly but having this image is not something I’d choose for myself.



  82.  #82Smile on January 11, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    Ha it reminds me of the film 101 dalmations at the start where the owners walk past with their dogs.

    If I was a dog I would be a chocolate Labrador puppy πŸ™‚



  83.  #83Tam on January 11, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    I’d be a whippet!!



  84.  #84Smile on January 11, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    I know that my judgements about these dogs are not true. I’ve read how loving and affectionate they are and how good they are around children but…



  85.  #85Smile on January 11, 2013 at 1:20 pm

    Tam you look like a whippet! Lol πŸ™‚



  86.  #86Smile on January 11, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    I know radlove loves dogs … I wonder how you are radlove?



  87.  #87Femininewoman on January 11, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    Dogs are very loyal and can be trained

    Yet I don’t want no dogs living in my house.



  88.  #88Smile on January 11, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    FW, what type of dog would you be?



  89.  #89Smile on January 11, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    Ha ha can’t believe I asked you that. Giggle giggle πŸ™‚ smile



  90.  #90Dominique on January 11, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    Lori – 47 For most men, stress is the number one interference with his libido.

    I understand how frustrating this might feel for you, could be triggering you in deeper ways. Please believe him that this is what it is. I do.

    If he doesn’t already know, tell him you’ve heard that this is what stress can do a man.

    Reassure as best as you can without smothering.

    And there is so much you can do with or without having an orgasm, you or he. You can have fun and feel complete as long as you can remain open and relaxed and being okay with what is.

    Explore tantra together. Much of tantra is having sexual interaction with no orgasm at all, especially for men.

    xxoo



  91.  #91Lori on January 11, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    Thanks Dominique. I totally get it and I think he does too. He’s just never had this problem before. I’ve done my best to reassure him. I think that’s another reason he is taking space and says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship.

    Tantra? i’ll check it out.



  92.  #92Femininewoman on January 11, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    I’ve done my best to reassure him – Maybe what you have done is not working for him. Maybe because you are trying to figure this out by yourself? Lori I know Dominique suggested tantra but I would suggest you try to talk with her, maybe arrange a session so I can explore deeply.



  93.  #93Elsie on January 11, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    Hi,

    Oh please help. I’m new here, but I’ve lurked for almost a year now. Today is the day I have to write.

    I’ve written so many times and erased what I had to say here. Now I wish I had done so because then you would know my whole story. But I’m so upset today and I feel like I have waited so long to actually type on here and not just “lurk.”

    I dont even know where to start. Here’s the cliff notes. Husband and I separated since last April – horrible marriage for the last 8 years. He has no job, no motivation after getting a medical diagnosis, he just checked out of life. We have a daughter. Finally I asked him to move out and he did in April of last year.

    I have someone that I know that is a man that I have known for 15 years. He is in the *exact* same situation I am in. Exactly – our partners are the carbon copies of each other. We have been in a relationship now for almost a year.

    He is very different from me. He is ISTP and I am ENFJ if that means anything to anyone. He is very logical and straightforward. I am very emotional and loud where he is introverted.

    We balance each other out but at times those are obviously at odds.

    We are both working on different things. I am working on my divorce. He and his significant other are officially separated – in public everyone knows this – it is not a secret. They are staying together in the same house right now for the time being for financial and other reasons – kids. They are in no way actually “together.” other than that.

    So we are both in hard places right now, but having each other has made things a lot better for both of us.

    Anyway – I am very emotional and he is not so sentimental. I gave him something last year that he actually cried over. He was very emotional about it and I was surprised. Anyway – it got ruined (by accident) over the past weekend and he told me about it today. He said he threw it out and its gone. I got a bit upset because I said, if you had saved it I could have done something else with it. He knows that I am typically a very emotional person with emotional attachments to different things. He said – yes, that is how you are, and I dont ask you to be different, I accept that. Then he said, I dont see the point of keeping something that is ruined. I said, yes, well, it was very important and emotional, and he pointed to his head and said, well that moment is up here, I dont need something to remind me like you do.

    I am not upset that he is not like me. I am upset that he didnt save it and see if there was anything else I could make out of it. I am upset because I feel like he wasnt as “sorry” or “apologetic” for me feeling bad. Clearly, he liked it and wished that it wouldnt have gotten ruined, but it doesnt feel like its a big deal that it did.

    I’m just having a hard time with the fact that he and I are so different and process things so differently. He didnt really understand the difference between that and this silly shirt I got him at the thrift store for $1.50. He was like, if this gets ruined do I need to bring it to you too? I was like, no, one is really emotionally important….he didnt see the difference, he was like “but you gave me both things, so I dont see how they are different.”

    Anyway -there is a lot of other stuff, and now that the floodgates are opened, Im sure I will be here a lot. I have lurked for a year if you can believe it – but I have no one to talk to today and really want some help/comfort – and most importantly advice.

    We are planning on going out this weekend to spend some time together and get these awesome work out pants he gave me a gift for Christmas.

    Oh – on that note….he has given nothing but gift cards his whole life. He knew that an actual gift was important to me but I never told him he HAD to get me that – and this Christmas he got me the most awesome gift package of work out stuff that he knew I wanted. I was so moved emotionally because he has never given a themed present in his whole life.

    So he knows how I am – but its confusing to him. He really genuinely doesnt understand why this first gift I ever gave him that was sort of the symbol of our relationship starting is really a big deal to me.

    Should I just see that he is trying and that is he just different than me? I just dont like the fact that he wasnt more …I dont know…. sorry that it was ruined. He wasnt being mean, he just didnt understand at all….and didnt think it was a big deal – its just an “inanimate object” he said.

    Help. Advice?

    Oh, and hi….by the way, I’m Elsie πŸ™‚



  94.  #94Lori on January 11, 2013 at 2:11 pm

    By reassurance, I meant that I don’t put any pressure on him, when he wants to stop or try, I’m open to him. I’ve acknowledged his stress.

    FW, what do you mean a session to explore more deeply?

    I’m on FB, the Siren page.



  95.  #95Femininewoman on January 11, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    Dominique is a coach.



  96.  #96Butterfly Wings on January 11, 2013 at 2:28 pm

    1432: Turquoise (from previous thread) – OMG yep I know what those blue eyes can do! Haha!

    I’m liking S more and more every day, and while we’ve not had a chance to see each other privately since last week, I know he wants me bad! πŸ˜‰



  97.  #97Rebecca on January 11, 2013 at 2:47 pm

    Hi Sirens!

    Everytime I get to the point where I enjoying being single I meet someone I fancy ( have a crush on). This time its my boss. Yikes!!

    Hehe I’m just gonna relax and enjoy the fantasy – I know nothing will ever happen. He hasn’t made a move or anything! But it feels good to fancy someone again…. I will have feelings from afar…. Heheh πŸ™‚



  98.  #98Pe on January 11, 2013 at 2:51 pm

    hey girls ! Long time silent lurker lol was once a upon active on this blog.

    I just felt like sharing a little story. It’s not much but it’s a big step for me, i’ve been the silent doormat for so long ! a guy i’m seeing was supposing to come by today during his lunch break…never came or called. I was going to shut up about it as usual but i knew that what he was expecting, like he didn’t stood me up and nothing happened like it’s all good. well no ! it’s not all good. i whatapped him : hey, how r u ? r u till coming during ur lunch break ? (past his lunch time) he answers :sorryyy babe, stuck at…(i forgot whatver the hell i dont care) i said : alright then i feel surprised u could have told me….silence (oh yeah ! shock wave, whose that woman ? she never acted like that before, i could feel his surprise and hesitation through the phone, it was laughable lol) then cautionly : was gonna call u, phone died,sorry. After a moment i said “thanks” and got immediately off the chat. What is exciting to me is that i decided to let him know that was not acceptable for me and genuinely didn’t CARE if i scared him off or not. When i look at how my married sister and friends handles their husband, i realize that when u know ur worth, wont take crap from a man and CAN walk whenever u want to, it doesn’t matter what u say, what matters is ur vibe. Quick example(ur gonna love this ! i laughed for days) :when my sister quit her job her husband was the one handling all their bills seemed fine with it at first but then starting making comments in public: “i pay all the bills, she has to do as i say now looool”, he started getting angry at her for stupid stuff, being desrespecful. One day he comes home from work he finds her sitting in the kitchen, clothes on and handbag at her feet. He’s like hey babe ! whats going on…looks like ur going somewhere !? she said : i think u should sit down…i really think u should sit down she repeats when he looks at her puzzled. He sits down with an anxious look on his face and she looks him dead in the eye and say : “listen my friend, i’m not the type of woman who thinks i’m married thought crap and whatver he feels like doing and saying, k ? i’m going to leave u in lightening speed if u don’t tone it down a notch, if u want me to want to stay married with u, ur gonna have to change the attitude, keep those comments to urself and treat me like u did when we first got married. He almost had a hard attack ! apologized a thousand times. Until that day which was 3 years ago he NEVER acted up again and treats her like a queen. It didn’t matter that she was saying the word “u” or that she was blaming him. What mattered was that she stood up for herself, spook her mind, didn’t care how he was gonna react and most importantly that she REALLY was reading to leave and he knew it. That scared him to death. lol



  99.  #99Starla on January 11, 2013 at 2:59 pm

    ahhhh shxt that reporter really is flying in to cover me for that national magazine

    wow fun and scary



  100.  #100Starla on January 11, 2013 at 3:03 pm

    i bet a lot of you read that magazine too! how fun!



  101.  #101Lori on January 11, 2013 at 3:16 pm

    So the blanket has arrived at his mailbox. They just notified me and they will notify him it’s there.



  102.  #102Sandra on January 11, 2013 at 3:34 pm

    It’s not that he mistreated you, but for 8 years you allowed that. Accept that



  103.  #103Starla on January 11, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    Lori, i wonder how it would feel to imagine that with the arrival of the blanket to his mailbox, so did arrive all your expectations and attachment to outcomes. Like, you’re free and unburdened now!



  104.  #104Lori on January 11, 2013 at 4:00 pm

    Starla, that’s a nice way to think about it. I know he will call but I’m actually okay if he doesn’t. No expectations. I know what I’d like and what I’d hope but I’m pretty much open.



  105.  #105Starla on January 11, 2013 at 4:06 pm

    have a beautiful weekend ladies:).



  106.  #106Lori on January 11, 2013 at 4:07 pm

    You too! I’m meeting my cousin for coffee in the morning. Then I’m going with the girls to a sports bar and grill to watch the 9ers play the Packers. Going to be fun!!



  107.  #107Luzydel on January 11, 2013 at 4:12 pm

    I am trying to get organized with my budget and my house. Went to the doctor today or a regular check up and do some tests. This year will be all about me, Taking care of myself, my things becoming more organized and see if I can get a promotion or something. I am not going to fabricate a cd (meaning online dating etc.) I want to get invited by someone out there, someone who I meet while I was doing things for me…



  108.  #108sensual on January 11, 2013 at 4:47 pm

    Ok, I’m writing a script bc I’d like more communication ie. phone calls (he always texts) in between dates with the man i’ve been dating for 6 weeks and am sleeping with (yes too early i know, but we went away together for 3 days near the start and it felt right). I had to find out via an email chain regarding a project we are doing together that he is leaving town next wednesday to go skiing and I guess I didn;t get invited on this one. πŸ™

    Feel free to let me know your thoughts sirens:
    “hun I did want to talk to you about something. I have so much fun when we’re together and I feel happy getting to know you and going on dates….. but it would also feel really good to hear your voice a bit in between dates. A phone call here and there to say goodnight or to share whatever exciting thing’s are happened in your life would just feel really good. what do you think”

    I could go into specifics about it feeling weird or disconnected to read in an email or text that he’s going away next week etc…but maybe that’s too much wining in one go. Any thoughts on this?



  109.  #109sensual on January 11, 2013 at 5:02 pm

    Actually i dont like it at all, it feels weak to me…

    I might just say something more direct like ” hun it felt a bit weird to me to have to read on email and text that you’re going away next week and I kind of wish we spoke on the phone a little more in between dates so that i felt a bit more connected to what’s going on in your life…what do you think?”



  110.  #110GlowStix on January 11, 2013 at 5:08 pm

    Amen, Rori!



  111.  #111GlowStix on January 11, 2013 at 5:11 pm

    I just got an intense and tingling and exciting feeling! 2013 is gonna be fun. Upswing year, woot!



  112.  #112Memulo on January 11, 2013 at 5:20 pm

    I went to an evening service to a place where my ex took me and I missed him so much. I feel that if I knew back then what I know now I’d handle it right. My cd says he is crazy about me and the difference is only in the way I behave. I have a theory – seriously – that every man find that one woman that doesn’t love him and tries to marry her. It us true though that my cd is really looking for a relationship, he is truly looking for a wife.



  113.  #113Memulo on January 11, 2013 at 5:26 pm

    I think sometimes that even the fact that I shut up and never contacted him again can be perceived as a weakness. A ‘stronger’ woman would have tried at least to defend herself, not silently cry in the corner!



  114.  #114k2012 on January 11, 2013 at 5:38 pm

    “it does get better in time and there is a reason and a plan. At the time when your life is falling apart you can’t see it but as the days go by things become clearer.” Amen, Amen, victory for this lady. I rejoice with her. When I read the section about how the man lied to her and was out of town a number of times, without telling her, I said in my mind “what a wicked man”. Not to mention when I read that she was crying every day and almost got into a depression. I said omg, this poor lady. But by the time I read the rest of the story, I was happy. This is indeed a success story. Indeed Rori. Thanks for sharing this story with us. There is indeed a reason and a plan, my goodness. That is so true. It does get better. Indeed ladies, it does. Trust me. It takes time for u to get over them u know but it gets better everyday. I can identify with that. She now has an amazing man now, thank God. She obviously has a strong belief in God. Ladies, when u are in a breakup, one strategy is to pray. Call on our creator. He will get us through something like this. I love success stories especially when it comes to finding and keeping a good man.



  115.  #115Memulo on January 11, 2013 at 5:45 pm

    I feel angry because on one hand I can’t contact him, on the other the longer we don’t talk the less is left of us. And yet every time I think about it I make a decision of not contacting him. I feel angry at myself for not screaming STOP when he was around and I could make a change. With my cd there was one time when I wasn’t treated well and I looked at him and said – you are not making me feel this way again. I don’t care if it was blaming, I said what I wanted to say. he was guilty. And what happened? He respected me more.



  116.  #116Memulo on January 11, 2013 at 5:57 pm

    And then I think – before SmartCD no one ever stood me up. I went on hundreds of dates. Tall men, short men, successful, not successful, Americans, foreigners, 1date or 10 dates-no one stood me up once. I remember how I made circles around my apartment like a wounded animal. It is true though that by that time he already decided to move on, but still couldn’t do it. by that time I already confided in him that i had financial problems. I was upset and overreacted because I have responsibilities with my family and I get very upset when I can’t give them more.
    So what – now he found his love, just like that??
    Did he just find his



  117.  #117MovingMagic on January 11, 2013 at 6:00 pm

    Memulo, I don’t know your story but I can say that I have contacted exs in the past. I usually feel best about it when I have no expectations built around it, or when I want to gauge my feelings toward him. I don’t do it to attack him, or when I’m already triggered over something.



  118.  #118Memulo on January 11, 2013 at 6:02 pm

    Lori, I know you responded to me on the other thread – why don’t you give thi guy with a small girl a chance? It’s great you refused to go to his house. But don’t discard him before you even met him.

    Also, in my opininon if someone says they don’t want a relationship the only answer is to run and no contact unless they come with a ring. You can make a scene and drop his tv, but you have to leave and be serious about it. Sorry I may not have followed your story.



  119.  #119Memulo on January 11, 2013 at 6:07 pm

    MovingMagic, thank you. My problem is that I want Everything. Being an option for him to consider doesn’t fit this definition



  120.  #120MovingMagic on January 11, 2013 at 6:10 pm

    You’re only an option if you let yourself be.



  121.  #121Memulo on January 11, 2013 at 6:11 pm

    In his eyes I was this passive ‘nice’ girl. And I hate this image!



  122.  #122Memulo on January 11, 2013 at 6:14 pm

    By contacting him I allow him to see me as an option. Don’t you think? I’m not going to pretend to be ‘friends’. Talking about the weather or telling him I miss him feels ridiculous



  123.  #123Memulo on January 11, 2013 at 6:16 pm

    Plus I did call him;) 4 months ago, still thinking we’re together. He didn’t return my call yet



  124.  #124Lori on January 11, 2013 at 6:17 pm

    Hi Memulo,
    I wouldn’t mind meeting the guy with the daughter. I’m not saying I wouldn’t. I just don’t think that is what I want.

    As far as my guy who said he doesn’t want a relationship, I don’t contact him. I sent him the blanket because I made it for him and I told him I would. I mean what I say. I want him to know that he’s safe with me and that I keep my word.



  125.  #125Memulo on January 11, 2013 at 6:21 pm

    I was like in a crazy bubble when it happened. Yet I joined 2 dating sites and got a membership in a club. I went on dates and couldn’t remember men’s names. The funniest thing is that I didn’t meet a single player back then. They all were very serious about me. They called asked me out on nice dates and were very consistent. I rejected several people after 6-7 dates and stayed with my cd. But now for some reason I can’t make myself join a dating site.



  126.  #126k2012 on January 11, 2013 at 6:21 pm

    “A β€˜stronger’ woman would have tried at least to defend herself, not silently cry in the corner!”. Memulo, don’t be so hard on yourself. U did the best u could, my dear. Don’t worry about it. Its obvious that u are not over him. Other ladies on here might say the same thing about me too cause u and I Memulo talk about our disappearing exes a lot. I think one day out of the blue when we least expect it, they will call. When we forget about them and barely remember them, worse when we are focused on other guys or another guy, that’s the time they are going to call. Trust me. When we least expect it. Mercedes, I saw your response in the previous thread and I responded. I will copy and paste sometime later when I take another break from my work. Didn’t go to work today as I have a tight deadline for Monday and I am working from home.



  127.  #127Memulo on January 11, 2013 at 6:26 pm

    Lori, I know exactly what you are saying. Been thru sending expensive gifts after a break up for exactly this reason. IBelieve me, sometimes it’s ok NOT to keep your word. Or change your mind;) and to care about what you want, not what someone may think about you. Why should he be safe with you? Some uncertainty would do him good;) The moment he starts wondering what you’re doing makes all the difference



  128.  #128Lori on January 11, 2013 at 6:31 pm

    I agree with the uncertainty. I kept my word because it was what I wanted to do. It was important to me. Yes, I could have changed my mind. I know absolutely that his saying he didn’t want a relationship was not because of me. I know what it feels like to be where he is. It stinks. It took me about 3 to 4 months to get my head back on straight after some of the trials I experienced last year. Whew.

    I know he will call after he gets his blanket. Other than sending him the blanket, I have made no contact any way, shape or form. He knows how to find me if he wants to. I’m certainly not waiting around for him either. πŸ™‚



  129.  #129Femininewoman on January 11, 2013 at 6:38 pm

    RE 113 Maybe it was because you had this guy on a pedestal worshipping him. Look you are still calling him SmartCD. Not even in lower case. I vote to demote him. He had you spiralling and wondering back then and he still have you doing that now. When will you take your power and energy back?



  130.  #130Memulo on January 11, 2013 at 6:40 pm

    K2012, Im not saying I’m over him. I don’t give it a name, just talking. I’m thinking sometimes the same thing.

    My cd calls every night and I have a feeling he wants to know that I’m at work or at home and not somewhere else. At dinner last night he told me that he already made dinner reservation for Saturday night. He checked what else we can do in the near future -concert, movies, theater. Asked ehat time works better- during the week or another weekend. He invited me to go away for the long weekend.



  131.  #131Starbright on January 11, 2013 at 6:44 pm

    Memulo,

    Yeah to you for not contacting him after he never returned your call! Why are you beating yourself up?

    Sounds like he is the only guy in months who has not wanted you. Is that the reason that you want him?

    Seems to me there could be something in asking yourself why you still want him. In what I read of your relationship while you were in it, it really sounded like you were incredibly unhappy almost all of the time. Not sure why you would want him. And yet…we’ve probably all been there a time or two.

    Hugs to you!!!

    What about the idea that you can’t do something wrong with the right guy?



  132.  #132Memulo on January 11, 2013 at 6:46 pm

    FW, not in lower case because my phone does autocorrect;) I would have otherwise! How would I call him if this is the name I made up for him on this blog?
    You’re right otherwise.

    With standing me up stuff- no, it was just so crazy that I didn’t want to believe it. My gfriend said back then – ‘I don’t treat ppl I DONT like this way’;)



  133.  #133janie baby on January 11, 2013 at 6:47 pm

    i feel weird. i finally saw him today! he texted me last night saying “i love you good night. I am so excited for tomorrow”
    We saw each other and it felt magical again. All the hormones, weird chemistry stuff…
    I was not planning on sleeping with him. He came around at noon and brought me a chocolate croissant for breakfast which was quite nice.
    I felt very loved and we ended up sleeping together and it was AMAZING, it hasn’t been amazing with him in a few months, so this was good. at first i was kind of nervous but i told him this and he kept telling me h loved me and he wants to be better for me.
    In the moment it felt right and i wanted to so I did.
    After, we fell asleep and then left around 2pm to go get lunch. He can tell whenever my mood slightly shifts. I started to feel some doubt.
    I felt hesitant and scared. really vulnerable. I felt like since I did that I took away my power or something and that I was under the mercy of my feelings. He asked me what was wrong and then when I said “nothing” he said “come on if you want our relationship to get better you have to tell me if something bothers you. when you bottle it up and later attack me it pushes me away” so i told him “i feel weird…i don’t know i just feel scared” and i was like “i don’t want to get attached” and he said “well i want you to get attached” and gave me a hug. Then he told me he wants to be with me and be exclusive and he’s only committed to me but he just needs a more balanced relationship until he gets a solid job. We went back to my apartment to relax and drink tea. we fell asleep and then he left quickly at 5 :30 because he was late for work.
    I said byee! and was sweet
    but I felt a little weird once he left and I still feel a little weird.
    I feel a little nervous.
    I feel like now I’m going to have expectations.
    I feel like I made this agreement into exclusivity without checking out my options.
    I want to be with him, i just feel a little empty once he left.
    Maybe it’s just post coital blues. I don’t know.
    Advice for how to proceed?
    He said he’d call me later to check up on me and early tomorrow so we could get together tomorrow but we don’t have an exact time. i feel anxious.



  134.  #134Memulo on January 11, 2013 at 6:53 pm

    Starbright,

    Yes and no, I wasn’t incredibly unappy. I was incredibly wondering at times but blamed everything on his terrible situation.

    I don’t know how to explain it. Just everything he said spoke to me. I got this feeling with men 3 times in my life. Anyway – yes, time to demote.



  135.  #135Starbright on January 11, 2013 at 6:54 pm

    Aw Janie,

    If it were me, I’d try to relax. There’s nothing you did wrong and nothing that worrying will help. In fact it does the opposite.

    I would turn the attention back on myself. What would feel really good right now that has nothing to do with him? And, then I’d focus there…

    It all sounds good right now…and when your mind goes to him relax and feel happy for what felt good! Then back on whatever you are doing.

    Have you tried meditation? It can really help with finding the calm places in oneself. πŸ™‚



  136.  #136janie baby on January 11, 2013 at 6:57 pm

    Starbright,
    Thanks for the response!
    No I haven’t done meditation in years but I want to start ever since I read the power of now.
    I will focus on my self. In a moment I’m gonna get up and get dressed and head out to a little get together and I will feel better.
    I know before I kept thinking about me, me, me and today was great but after today I’m thinking “Ok so when else can I see him? bla bla bla” I get so crazy sometimes haha, but I’m just gonna observe the crazyness instead of acting out with it.
    We don’t have a set time for tomorrow so should I make other plans too?
    Hmm……..I feel nervous.



  137.  #137Starbright on January 11, 2013 at 7:03 pm

    Memulo,

    Just curious if the three people you bring up all have similar characteristics? Or, that what you are attracted to in them is similar?

    I’ve heard before that we may be most attracted to characteristics we feel we most lack or that they remind us of a parent or previous relationship that we are trying to redo.

    I so encourage you to love on yourself! Love, love, love to you Memulo! Love you so much that that old cd is not a missed option!



  138.  #138Pe on January 11, 2013 at 7:06 pm

    Hi Janie baby,

    I think you should make other plans, since he didn’t set up anything precise and that puts you in a position where you are waiting for a phone call…see what i mean ? i’ve been there before and that’s just my opinion.



  139.  #139MovingMagic on January 11, 2013 at 7:06 pm

    Janie Baby, is there something outside of him that could be triggering all of thes emotions for you?



  140.  #140Starbright on January 11, 2013 at 7:08 pm

    Janie,

    You’ve been through a rough patch with your guy and that makes your nervousness understandable. However, the best thing you can do for you is to do what I already suggested to you and to Memulo. Love yourself. Find your calm in yourself.

    Have you ever read Eckart Tolle’s, :The Power of Now”?

    He talks about just feeling how you are in the moment. And, in most moments we are just fine. It is usually the future or the past that makes us feel bad.

    And, breathing deeply also feels calming. At this moment your man is into you. There’s nothing more you can do about him. How are you in this moment?

    I like to remind myself too that “I am the fun!” He’s not the fun. My friends aren’t the fun. I am the fun! And, it makes me instantly smile and feel good! Ha ha!!! πŸ™‚



  141.  #141Starbright on January 11, 2013 at 7:11 pm

    Janie,

    I feel incredibly silly! I guess I saw you said “the power of now” and it did not register!

    What is also very coincidental is that book has been on my mind lately. I actually wrote an email to a friend last night and suggested it. He’s afraid he may lose his job for not selling enough this past year.



  142.  #142janie baby on January 11, 2013 at 7:14 pm

    I like that Starbright!! hehe
    I am the fun!!! πŸ™‚
    I’m gonna blast some Taylor Swift and have fun and not worry so much about tomorrow.
    I loooved that book! I read it last week and I felt such calm and peace. Today was the first time I felt a hint of my past anxiety but can feel it fly away as I remind myself to focus on me.
    I think the feeling of emptiness and sadness after was just kind of what Tolle talks about in his book. The moment of wholeness is so fulfilling and then after when he left it felt kind of like abandonment, but now I feel good!
    I feel safe , I can observe the emotion and let it wash by me!
    This feels good.
    Memulo, I don’t know…I just get anxiety thinking of what I’m gonna do I guess. I don’t know, but when I focus on the now that passes!

    Thanks for the fix up ladies! Starbright, I am going to start his second book later tonight A New Earth. Have you read it? I’ll check your response here later πŸ™‚
    xoxo



  143.  #143Memulo on January 11, 2013 at 7:45 pm

    Starbright,

    Yes all 3 are exceptionally smart, very well educated, artistic. All three not very strong. Anyway, not in the mood for analysis;)



  144.  #144Memulo on January 11, 2013 at 7:48 pm

    Maybe I should just enjoy a fancy dinner and a movie tomorrow night and live in the moment?



  145.  #145Starbright on January 11, 2013 at 7:55 pm

    Janie,

    Oh yes, “A New Earth” is quite good also! I listened to Oprah’s interviews with Eckart on that book. They were really good also. Probably still able to get them through Oprah or itunes?

    You sound like you are feeling your fun self now! You rock, Janie!



  146.  #146Starbright on January 11, 2013 at 7:56 pm

    Memulo,

    Whatever feels good! Yes, being in the moment feels great! Enjoy yourself!



  147.  #147Turquoise on January 11, 2013 at 8:10 pm

    Hi sirens! Sweetheart and I had a great day together. He got to meet my sister, her husband and my mom. He fit right in. He’s great with My kids, always has them laughing and asks them about their day, school, etc. it’s so comfortable and just feels right. He told me he never wants to let me go, he hates saying goodbye and how much he loves our time together. I feel the same. Then, we met up with his parents and aunt… And again, everything just fits. I’m so pleased with how all of this is just working out. He repeatedly tells me how much he cares about me, how beautiful I am, wants to take care of me and be here for me. I’m sinking into all these magic feelings and just breathing it all in. πŸ™‚



  148.  #148Lori on January 11, 2013 at 8:12 pm

    So happy for you!



  149.  #149Maria on January 11, 2013 at 8:18 pm

    Awesome story! I feel encouraged.



  150.  #150MovingMagic on January 11, 2013 at 8:27 pm

    That’s so nice Turquoise!



  151.  #151k2012 on January 11, 2013 at 8:29 pm

    Happy for u too Turquoise. Well I am at home here working and talking to Overseas CD on facebook. He has friends over and is playing dominoes. I am getting interested in him. Well I don’t know what will happen. After this crazy deadline is gone, I will have to drag my friend out to a nice place. I have to meet 2 more cds so I have options (snapping my fingers, that’s right ladies, options). Indeed.



  152.  #152Maria on January 11, 2013 at 8:34 pm

    @Janie

    I feel so happy for you. Overall it was a good day. You’ll probably feel better once you’ve talked to him again.



  153.  #153Lori on January 11, 2013 at 8:36 pm

    I’m having so much fun online CDing! Lol



  154.  #154Turquoise on January 11, 2013 at 8:37 pm

    Thank you πŸ™‚



  155.  #155MovingMagic on January 11, 2013 at 8:59 pm

    I’m attracted to men who know how to put themselves first. Something I’ve never done naturally…until recently. I constantly have to remind myself. I constantly check in with myself. I’m always a little triggered these days, but I see the light. I can feel the change taking root.



  156.  #156k2012 on January 11, 2013 at 9:09 pm

    Oh Lori, u on a dating website. I have my profiles up on 4 websites, but I can scarcely find the time to go on. I am a bit cautious. Does Rori have any guidelines on here for Online dating? If I am talking to a man online (not overseas cd who I practically know from school days- he was in my batch at school but we didn’t know each other until our alumni linked us up.) I am talking about total strangers here now- how long should I take before I agree to meet any man who I have met online? I also need advice on writing a profile. I saw someone write something that Rori wrote to avoid negative statements. Is there anything else, ladies?



  157.  #157Lori on January 11, 2013 at 9:15 pm

    I am. It was hard for me to go on at first but Rori’s right. It helps you to feel better and not dwell so much on the loss. The possibilities that out there. I’m chatting only. No personal identifying info exchanged.



  158.  #158k2012 on January 11, 2013 at 9:48 pm

    Ok. But u know what I want to know. Suppose I am circular dating with 3 cds and none of them step up? Suppose also that all of them step up assuming that u have about 3. What do I do then in a case when all 3 want a serious relationship?



  159.  #159Indigo on January 11, 2013 at 11:18 pm

    k2012

    I’m so happy for you! Yay for options! πŸ™‚



  160.  #160Indigo on January 11, 2013 at 11:21 pm

    Feminine Woman (from previous thread)

    I don’t think it’s necessarily because I make him responsible for my happiness.

    I think it’s because when I feel in any way grumpy, it makes me remember my contentment with D most of the time, and the ways in which he fit so well with me.



  161.  #161Lori on January 11, 2013 at 11:22 pm

    I had fun chatting with a CD. Almost a 100 messages.



  162.  #162Indigo on January 11, 2013 at 11:28 pm

    Lori,

    I am in week 2 of leaning back. It gets easier. You sound great!

    I have been surprised at how easy and natural and painless it has been. I must be healing.

    In my case, he has contacted me almost every day in that time, and invited me over once. I can feel his energy coming towards me, subtlely though. I don’t know what to make of this so I am not dwelling on it, just enjoying taking care of myself.

    It is pouring with rain here and I have the house to myself. Yay!



  163.  #163Indigo on January 11, 2013 at 11:36 pm

    Sensual 105 & 106

    I hope you don’t mind me saying, but your scripts to your man around phoning and not being invited on the trip sound so much like what I would have said in the past. To me, and also in your own words, I feel a less-than-powerful, hurt vibe, and also they seem to convey expectations.

    I think Mercedes would be a great person to suggest how to handle this one.

    To me, I think I would lean back a little, and when he notices that you have pulled back a little and comes to you, then negotiate how you would like to be contacted and how you felt about not being invited, in a totally sweet, non-blaming way.

    I hope this is helpful to you xx



  164.  #164Lori on January 11, 2013 at 11:37 pm

    Hi Indigo! It hasn’t been as difficult to lean back as I thought it would be. I have this visual of us in a bubble. I lean away as far as I can without falling out. I still feel him but I don’t think it’s me. We haven’t had any contact since weds morning, the last being his xo to me.

    I’m glad you’re guy is leaning towards you. Let him keep coming, welcome but I wouldn’t lean forward.

    It’s so cold here!



  165.  #165Indigo on January 12, 2013 at 12:34 am

    Hey Lori

    That is good, I like your visual of the bubble. Leaning back as far as you can without falling out. That is kind of what I am doing too. I am glad you are finding it relatively easy.

    In the past, when I have tried to lean back, I have always found it difficult and faltered. This time, it is almost effortless.

    I can feel the energy shift. But what has been most enjoyable for me is the pleasure I have got out of being good to myself.

    I think, Lori, where you see a bubble, I see a story. A story which has not been completed yet. This is so hard to explain to anyone, yet that’s how it feels to me.



  166.  #166Lori on January 12, 2013 at 1:25 am

    I get it. It’s like the story isn’t over yet. I can feel the energy change too. I think we feel them because they are still thinking of us too. They haven’t disconnected which is good if want them. πŸ™‚



  167.  #167Smile on January 12, 2013 at 1:35 am

    Hm so dog cd wants to meet up. He tried to reassure me and comfort my fear about his dogs, but … I really do not want to meet them. Again it’s the image. Urg, I’m in a dilemma about meeting him. I have 3 other CDs I’m chatting to, which are maybe more of a match…
    I dont think I would be on match this much if amb cd wasnt away for the month.



  168.  #168Smile on January 12, 2013 at 1:36 am

    I’m going to be honest and up front with any guy I meet from now and tell them I’m keeping my options open and meeting different guys. Then I don’t feel guilty and dishonest.



  169.  #169Smile on January 12, 2013 at 1:57 am

    Also ‘if’ we were to see more of each other in the future I would want him to come to me. I feel restricted by his dogs already and I’ve not met him.I would feel differently if I had purchased dogs whilst in a committed relationship.

    I still feel giggly that dogs could be my dealbreaker here.



  170.  #170k2012 on January 12, 2013 at 2:12 am

    “I’m going to be honest and up front with any guy I meet from now and tell them I’m keeping my options open and meeting different guys. Then I don’t feel guilty and dishonest.” I agree with u Smile. I am talking to overseas cd right now and he is asking me about past relationships. I saw someone on here sometime ago say its like real estate-u don’t take the house off the market until u receive the best offer.



  171.  #171Smile on January 12, 2013 at 2:33 am

    K2012- yes, I’ve been in 3 relationships since I was 14. This is my first year of being single. so I want to see what’s out there. I am the prize!! I’m not in a rush to start a relationship,



  172.  #172Smile on January 12, 2013 at 2:36 am

    But… Because amb cd was one of the first I wasn’t this upfront because I wasn’t seeing anyone. Then when I did I felt soooo guilty. He left me with lots to reflect on before going away so I feel confident we will be able to talk around this when he gets back. In the meantime I’m getting lots of practise speaking my truths and wants and desires. I may not even meet any of them?



  173.  #173Indigo on January 12, 2013 at 3:23 am

    Moving Magic 151

    Love this. Me too.



  174.  #174Indigo on January 12, 2013 at 3:28 am

    Smile,

    I get why you would want to be upfront with them.

    Last night, I “broke up” with a CD because he wanted to make me his girlfriend, and a) I don’t want to do that, I want to date. And b) even if I did, I don’t feel strongly enough about him to give up my options and my time.

    This would have been, and already was, a source of frustration to this CD. He had that slight manly, possessive thing going on which wanted to monopolise my affections and my heart. I just couldn’t, I liked him, but not enough.

    I was actually as upfront with him as I could be at the beginning, but he chose to interpret that as we were moving towards a relationship.



  175.  #175k2012 on January 12, 2013 at 3:31 am

    Ok Smile, so u dating online? Overseas cd sound like he is interested. I feel happy talking to him.



  176.  #176Smile on January 12, 2013 at 3:45 am

    Indigo, yes I too would only become exclusive with a guy if I knew we had the same wants and desire for the future if we were to become exclusive but also I would trust my feelings around when it was the right time. Then I could just focus my energy in having fun and creating a relationship without wondering where it’s heading. I believe it’s important to get it all aired at the start when your not attached to a guy.
    Also dominique often talks about becoming exclusive naturally without any conversations being had. If this was the case I would know when I wanted to stop going out on dates
    with others and be comfortable in letting this happen naturally having already had the long term desires for the future spoken about. She helped me to be comfortable with choosing trust if this were to happen.



  177.  #177Smile on January 12, 2013 at 3:49 am

    K2012 yes I’m online dating! I’m loving meeting different types of guys. I’m paying close attention to their behaviour so I like to get it off line as soon as possible to see how often they text, what their persona is like with mine, how they talk and the amount of energy that comes towards me and how I fedl around it.

    I use hmm maybe Linda wrote this… I prefer living real life than writing on a page.

    I don’t like getting into long emails with guys.



  178.  #178k2012 on January 12, 2013 at 4:01 am

    Yes Smile I hear u. Overseas cd just asked me what type of man I like. I told him and he asked what does the man get in return. So I told him that in return a man will get a loving, kind and I use some other adjectives. I had in the word committed. I deleted it. I will be committed to a man who I am involved with only AFTER he commits to me. Mercedes, I hope u soon log on to see this. I am glad he is not married as I am getting to like him. Oh later on, I will copy my response from the last thread to u.



  179.  #179Smile on January 12, 2013 at 4:03 am

    Ha, I did take one guy by surprise by talking about it but he said he appreciated my honesty and no point wasting your time with someone who isn’t looking for a committed relationship.

    By the way I didn’t just tell him or lead the conversation, I went with the flow and took my opportunity when a link to this conversation occurred.



  180.  #180Smile on January 12, 2013 at 4:28 am

    Dominique, you were right when you said I might change my mind around whether I want to be married or not.

    Today I choose marriage!! Mostly for the legal, financial security if I had children especially.



  181.  #181Smile on January 12, 2013 at 4:32 am

    I am really interested in hearing opinions on this…

    How would you feel if you were married and wanted children but your husband turned out not to be fertile to make this happen?



  182.  #182k2012 on January 12, 2013 at 4:54 am

    Well, I would feel disappointed and a possible solution could be adoption. What do u think about adoption? Ladies, did u see questions I posted above? Well, well what a coincidence. Overseas CD and myself have been talking from about 4:30 am (EST) and its now after 7, but that’s not the coincidence. The coincidence is that not only is he born in the same month as me but his birthday is TWO DAYS BEFORE disappearing ex. So overseas cd, disappearingdisappearing ex and myself are born in the same month. I don’t know the future of this of course. We are just friends at this stage but I like him and I certainly pray that he is nothing like disappearing ex. Both he and disappearing ex and myself are old schoolmates. He therefore knows disappearing ex. Overseas cd asked me what happened with disappearing ex and I told him. When I responded, I said in my mind that “a true u no know a who” (my dialect). In other words, he (overseas ex wouldn’t like to know who was the disappearing ex. Of course, it goes without saying that I am not telling overseas ex that it was that person I was involved with, that is, disappearing ex. Hope he is nothing like him. What a coincidence. Disappearing ex is a twin while overseas cd has twins while I have twin brothers. Can u imagine! What a coincidence again. Mercedes and other ladies, do u find that u keep getting involved with men who have similar characteristics, whether birthday is the same, have similar interests, born in the same month, etc?



  183.  #183Annie on January 12, 2013 at 5:27 am

    Smile.
    That is an interesting question, I only feel able to give an educated guess on how I imagine I and most women would feel in those circumstances which would be devastated. An unless we are really there we don’t really know for sure how we would feel.
    And the important thing for you is how do you imagine you would feel

    What do you think?



  184.  #184Annie on January 12, 2013 at 5:32 am

    178.

    178: k2012says:

    “Well, I would feel disappointed and a possible solution could be adoption. What do u think about adoption?”

    I feel in agreement.
    Or IVF, if both parties wanted the same and were compatible and either was a viable option.

    I believe if there was no solution and a womans desire for a child was a priority, which is the case for most women at some time in their lives then her desire for this would supersede everything else and she would her wants and desire would supersede her want and desire for that individual man.

    What do you think?



  185.  #185Annie on January 12, 2013 at 5:38 am

    Smile. Marriage is in the best higher interest for women and children and I believe men also like you say for financial and legal reasons amongst other things.



  186.  #186Annie on January 12, 2013 at 5:41 am

    *Smile. Marriage is in the best higher interest for women and children, for women and men who want to have children and raise a family together.



  187.  #187BeLoved on January 12, 2013 at 5:58 am

    Reflections during my morning sadhana:
    Memories coming up and drifting through
    without blame I could see more clearly
    loving my inner drama queen
    loving the messages she has for me
    thank you
    I remembered once, my ex (I worked in his bar) came up to me near the end of a long shift and pestered me for a ride to pick up his car from a mechanic, in another city. It was nearly 2am, and I had another job to be at in 6 hours.
    I remember how I couldn’t say no
    the fear, the guilt, the anger
    the anger that he would wait until the last minute to ask me
    the anger that his other girlfriend (poly relationship) said no and
    “left” the “dirty work” to me
    the fear of what might happen if I flat out told him no
    feeling worn out by the way he managed to overcome every objection
    so I relented and the rage just kept building and building and building
    and by the time I dropped him off I pretty much pushed him out of the car, screaming like a banshee

    Now I see, how my inability to say “NO” caused me massive amounts of pain.

    My inner drama queen and pain tell me when I am out of integrity with my values. She tells me when I have divorced from an aspect of myself – like with the vendor, I disconnected from the feelings of unworthiness and went into manipulator mode, causing a rift in communication and an internal rift, which HURT LIKE H3LL.

    I feel so much better now that I choose to trust life, and choose to trust that the perfect partner is already selected, I don’t have to DO or WORRY or THINK or FIGURE OUT.
    Last night, as I settled into sleep, I felt a warm, mothering presence holding me. I felt so safe, so secure and thought
    Oh
    I’ve been chasing after a man all this time and
    what I’ve been wanting is
    a mother’s love.
    I’m crying soft tears of joy and gratitude
    thank you
    thank you
    thank you



  188.  #188Annie on January 12, 2013 at 5:58 am

    Re dogs, it feels difficult not to judge someone based on stereo typicalness on who usually owns a certain type of dog.

    It feels best to me to go on the vibe and energy around the individual and the dog and observe. Also taking into account though the nature of that individual dog as at the end of the day a dog is a dog and a primitive animal.
    So no matter how it has been trained when push comes to shove if that dog is in a survival situation it will revert back to its primitive state and react from it’s primitive instinct not how it has been trained by its human owners.
    So if it were me I would get to know as much about the individual breed as possible.

    Also is a big commitment to have a dog. So the questions are how do you feel around that dog/dogs in general@ do you want to become involved with someone who has that type of dog? Do you feel ok with it? Is it a deal breaker? As you have decided that you do not want to take on the commitment of being part of looking after a dog.



  189.  #189smile on January 12, 2013 at 6:13 am

    If I couldn’t have children of my own I would love to adopt or become a foster carer. I work with children in care everyday and this has opened my eyes.



  190.  #190Femininewoman on January 12, 2013 at 6:14 am

    Another thought – men who own dogs prove they have the capacity to commit and also to take care of living things. Both are good indicators for a man with relationship potential+



  191.  #191Annie on January 12, 2013 at 6:14 am

    Beloved.
    “Now I see, how my inability to say β€œNO” caused me massive amounts of pain.

    My inner drama queen and pain tell me when I am out of integrity with my values. She tells me when I have divorced from an aspect of myself – like with the vendor, I disconnected from the feelings of unworthiness and went into manipulator mode, causing a rift in communication and an internal rift, which HURT LIKE H3LL.

    I feel so much better now that I choose to trust life, and choose to trust that the perfect partner is already selected, I don’t have to DO or WORRY or THINK or FIGURE OUT.
    Last night, as I settled into sleep, I felt a warm, mothering presence holding me. I felt so safe, so secure and thought
    Oh
    I’ve been chasing after a man all this time and
    what I’ve been wanting is
    a mother’s love.
    I’m crying soft tears of joy and gratitude
    thank you
    thank you
    thank you.

    Ty for Sharing.
    πŸ™‚
    Felt great to read this.

    I believe that when we are able to tap into this higher power we are there and ready for our soul mate to turn up.



  192.  #192smile on January 12, 2013 at 6:17 am

    Annie
    “I believe if there was no solution and a womans desire for a child was a priority, which is the case for most women at some time in their lives then her desire for this would supersede everything else and she would her wants and desire would supersede her want and desire for that individual man.”

    Yes I wonder if my desire to have children would supersede the individual man if he was infertile unknowingly. But then If you were married and had made vows to each other, ‘for better or worse’ … Wow marriage is definately not to be entered into lightly.



  193.  #193smile on January 12, 2013 at 6:20 am

    I feel more educated around the issue of the financial and legalities of marriage and divorce now I have read around this a bit more.

    If a couple do not want to get married but offer committment in other ways then there are other ways to ensure financial security, power of attourney, parental rights, pension entitlement etc.



  194.  #194Annie on January 12, 2013 at 6:20 am

    186: Femininewoman says:

    “Another thought – men who own dogs prove they have the capacity to commit and also to take care of living things.”

    Depends on how they treat the dog and how the dog behaves.
    Do they leave it alone for long periods of time?
    Do they treat it like an accessory? Or a dog?
    Do they hit it?
    Does the dog bite or try and bonk other peoples arms legs? Jump up at people?
    How does it behave around other people?
    How does it behave around other dogs.

    I would be observing?
    Just because someone has a dod, does not mean they know how to and are able to take care of it well.
    All it shows is they bought a dog and have a dog.



  195.  #195smile on January 12, 2013 at 6:23 am

    fw 186, thank you for this thought. Yes what a good indicator. I get a good feeling from the guy and its more the ‘stereotypical judgements’ I am feeling bad about. Like if he just had a different breed of dog it might not be soo much of a deal breaker…



  196.  #196Annie on January 12, 2013 at 6:23 am

    People prove who they are by their actions, not by their words and what they have.



  197.  #197smile on January 12, 2013 at 6:24 am

    From what ‘this’ guy has communicated, he loves these dogs as if they were children, and is a very good owner.

    but yes annie I agree this is not necessarily a given.



  198.  #198Annie on January 12, 2013 at 6:26 am

    Smile.
    ” I get a good feeling from the guy.”

    Seems a good place to start and maybe lean back and watch.

    What do you think?



  199.  #199smile on January 12, 2013 at 6:27 am

    yes, he assures me if I met them i would change my mind πŸ™‚



  200.  #200Annie on January 12, 2013 at 6:28 am

    “From what β€˜this’ guy has communicated, he loves these dogs as if they were children, and is a very good owner.”

    Actions speak louder than words . πŸ˜‰



  201.  #201smile on January 12, 2013 at 6:28 am

    I feel overwhelmed with all the guys showing up on match for me. There are too many I want to respond too. I feel like I am limiting myself to a few at a time lol πŸ™‚



  202.  #202Femininewoman on January 12, 2013 at 6:30 am

    Truly Smile, regardless of the breed of dog I believe it is your mind looking for something. It might be a pattern. With this guy it is the dog. With another guy it might be the size of his nose or how he is meticulous in organizing his ties. For me I know I can’t live with dogs so if on a dating site where guys post pics with themselves and dogs I totally avoid interacting with these guys. I would not consider asking a man to get rid of his dog. I just acknowledge it will not work for me. People have emotional attachment to their animals. Dogs can be particularly loving and some people use them unconsciously to avoid human intimacy.



  203.  #203Femininewoman on January 12, 2013 at 6:32 am

    Yeah Annie. Your logic can argue with anything. Our minds can always find negatives.



  204.  #204Femininewoman on January 12, 2013 at 6:33 am

    Smile what is most important is how you feel about yourself in and outside of his presence.



  205.  #205Memulo on January 12, 2013 at 6:35 am

    FW!!

    Men with dogs…..LOL! I tried to go out with one. The guy had 2 dogs and loved them dearly. He got very nervous when he had to leave them at home alone. During the business day he had someone coming twice a day to walk the dogs. He had a baby monitoring system on his cell to check ehat they’re doing and whether they’re happy. At dinners with me he felt very guilty he left them home alone and was staring at his monitoring screen. When he invited me home to watch a movie I was very safe!! I need not to worry about being seduced at all! Dogs hated me. On a couch they sat between him and me made sounds so that he would pet and touch them all the time (for the length of a movie) and would try to push me off the couch – they were relatively big. He told me – theyre so gentle, theyre emotional towards you. Dont upset them. When he told me that they sleep with him in his bed at night ( and they smelled too) I ran as far as I could. He too told me that since he is so caring towards them he’d be a great father. Never married at 50 this is still to be seen;))



  206.  #206smile on January 12, 2013 at 6:36 am

    hm, Its not the idea of living with dogs. Whilst it isnt my ‘choice’ I have lived with dogs with ex of 10years. We had 2. I am open to this.

    My fear is around the type of person who ‘stereotypically’ chooses to own this breed of dog. This is not a person I would want to interact with.

    I work in a very deprived area and I see people with this type of dog all the time. Now this guy seems not to be the type who has no job, no desire to create a nice home etc but the ‘association’ is there for me.



  207.  #207smile on January 12, 2013 at 6:38 am

    memulo 201, can you be too loving towards dogs then lol!



  208.  #208smile on January 12, 2013 at 6:42 am

    Now I think that cdating might actually prevent me from creating a truly loving relationship because I might now melt enough when recieveing from a guy for fear of becoming attached when I have options. wow



  209.  #209Femininewoman on January 12, 2013 at 6:42 am

    How would you feel if you were married and wanted children but your husband turned out not to be fertile to make this happen?

    Smile inherent in this question is a suggestion that children are more important than your relationship with the husband and how you feel about being with the man.

    I would ask myself if I would be willing to marry a man who did not want children. I met a beautiful one like this some years ago and had to walk away because deep down I knew I wanted children and felt weird when I heard him say he didn’t. Looking at the picture of us together I felt he loved me, but then I could not see it then.

    Also this is a topic that can be discussed as you navigate commit discussions. The possibility could be that you are infertile. Or the fetus keep getting stuck in the fallopian tubes. Or you keep miscarrying.

    I would seriously ask myself why would I want to get married in the first place.



  210.  #210Femininewoman on January 12, 2013 at 6:43 am

    RE 204 – In my humble opinion, you need to get out of your head and live in the moment.



  211.  #211Femininewoman on January 12, 2013 at 6:44 am

    Memulo, I am not surprised.



  212.  #212Femininewoman on January 12, 2013 at 6:45 am

    Balance in life is always key



  213.  #213smile on January 12, 2013 at 6:52 am

    All this talk and questions has come from my reflections. Amb cd brought up that he doesn’t think he wants to get married again because his marriage broke down from the stress caused by his wife not being able to concieve. he feels bad because he broke his ‘for better or worse’ vow. he is open to children and committment though. I am exploring my feelings around this and what I want. If I continue to see him then its on this understanding that I am okay with this. I know there are no guarantees that this we are going to committ to each other but its important to me to share the same end goals as sosmeone so as not to build up resentment.



  214.  #214Mercedes on January 12, 2013 at 6:52 am

    Sensual, Indigo says: I think Mercedes would be a great person to suggest how to handle this one.

    But I’m not so sure I am.

    Are you circular dating? I don’t think a script is in order here at all. This is a man who doesn’t call and doesn’t tell you he’s going to be out of town and doesn’t invite you to join him which means you have no way of ever knowing if he’s going to ask you out or not (because you don’t know where he’s going to be on the weekend). Not only is he nowhere near committed, he’s not even a boyfriend in the sense that I would want a boyfriend. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t say anything at all about the phone calls or about the trip but I would indicate (if he asked me what I was doing over the weekend) that I have a date. Not to make him jealous but to make it really, really clear that I’m not interested in friends with benefits or last minute hookups and that I am dating lots of men until I find what I want.

    I doubt that helps at all but I’m really not good with scripts and I’m also not good with men who never call. LOL! I never used to be good with men who travel but since J and I both travel so much I’ve gotten used to that part (although I do always know where he’s going to be!) so I don’t know what to say about a script. Maybe one of the other ladies can help with that.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  215.  #215Annie on January 12, 2013 at 6:54 am

    Femininewoman says:

    “Yeah Annie. Your logic can argue with anything. Our minds can always find negatives.”

    I feel amused at that statement and your judgments about me hey ho.
    But they really have nothing to do with me. None of my business what other people think of my logical mind and if they think sometimes my mind can find negatives.
    Feel in agreement with you though that minds and everyones minds can and do find negative things. Or things that feel bad to me.
    Nothing wrong with that.
    That feels a good, accepting and balanced quality to me.
    I love this quality I have.

    I feel agreement with Rori that it doesn’t matter what a man communicates with words to us. And what matters is what he does re actions.
    So feels best to me to sit back and observe a mans actions.



  216.  #216Annie on January 12, 2013 at 6:57 am

    210: Mercedes.

    I love this.



  217.  #217Mercedes on January 12, 2013 at 7:03 am

    K2012: “Mercedes and other ladies, do u find that u keep getting involved with men who have similar characteristics, whether birthday is the same, have similar interests, born in the same month, etc?”

    Similar interests – certainly! I think it’s very, very important to do so. But the rest of that stuff is just added conversation pieces or something to laugh about or things that make you say “hmmmm” but no…I don’t put much stock in those odd little similarities between people who have recently met.

    Others might feel differently. That’s just me.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  218.  #218Femininewoman on January 12, 2013 at 7:04 am

    Smile if I was sure that I want to get married I would walk away. Or just accept being friends.



  219.  #219Annie on January 12, 2013 at 7:09 am

    I love feeling centered and balanced if feels great when I am in that place.

    I love and accept my logic aswell as my feelings.
    They all serve me well.

    I love my B type brain it is part of who and what I am



  220.  #220Mercedes on January 12, 2013 at 7:11 am

    Thank you Annie. πŸ™‚

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  221.  #221Smile on January 12, 2013 at 7:14 am

    214, I’m not sure though. I want commitment but actually I’m unsure about getting married. I don’t want the expense or the traditional part/ celebration/ gathering. I’m a quiet private person. I’d hate being on show. I would want to take my partners name though for my furture children and wanting to br a family and to feel like I was the only one for him.



  222.  #222Luzydel on January 12, 2013 at 7:21 am

    Well ladies; I am taking a break from the blog. It is turning redundant and Umm well superficial. I need to get back to deeper things in life. Talking about men feels empty for me….

    Be back some other time…



  223.  #223Indigo on January 12, 2013 at 7:22 am

    Mercedes 210

    I agree with you! I don’t think a script is in order here either, and I thought you might be the best person to tell her what she should be doing instead!

    Agree with your advice πŸ™‚



  224.  #224Annie on January 12, 2013 at 7:23 am

    Smile, It’s about the journey within and finding out what you honestly and truly want.
    CDING and expressing that openly and authentically with everyone in the moment and not fully investing or being exclusive with anyone who is not compatible and offering what you want. And by cding and finding these things out, the right compatible man for you will want to, prove to you with actions and be able to offer you what you want.



  225.  #225Annie on January 12, 2013 at 7:26 am

    So I feel in agreement with FW, if what you want is marriage one day and he does not, he is not compatible with you.
    His stuff with his ex is his stuff.
    Where he is at and has nothing to do with you.
    What is to do with you is what you want.



  226.  #226Femininewoman on January 12, 2013 at 7:29 am

    Bye Luzydel



  227.  #227Mercedes on January 12, 2013 at 7:32 am

    Luzydel: I’ve had to take breaks before too and most likey will again some day. I always seem to get drawn back here for some reason though so I hope to hear your voice on here again sometime. I do understand needing to go to a different place sometimes though. I wish you the best in your journey and hope you feel at peace with your decision.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  228.  #228Femininewoman on January 12, 2013 at 7:35 am

    Sensual to me the situation read to me like a fling, a casual or friends with benefits situation. I am okay with being wrong. Bringing up the lack of phone calls or choice to go out of town without your knowledge might only inspire him to create more of that if all he wants is a casual fling.

    I believe he is demonstrating where he is at and what he wants with you. If that is not what you want then you know what you need to do. If I were to share a feeling message with him it would be around if I am having sex with a man what I want is constant contact, plans, trips etc. Yes I would be wanting to put pressure on him for some kind of commitment. Otherwise I know I could not be having sex with him.



  229.  #229Smile on January 12, 2013 at 7:39 am

    Exploring my wants and desires for the future feel far from superficial. Actually it feels like I’ve had to go deeper into myself than I ever I have before.



  230.  #230Smile on January 12, 2013 at 7:41 am

    Annie, and oh what a journey this is proving to be. I love self discovery πŸ™‚ thank you



  231.  #231Mercedes on January 12, 2013 at 7:44 am

    FW 224…beautifully said.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  232.  #232Tam on January 12, 2013 at 8:07 am

    I feel so happy.
    And I feel so proud of myself that despite the issues that really bugged me and probably will keep bugging me eventually, I have given Curly the time of day. Even without attraction at first. I felt comfortable with him and decided to experiment.
    And so far it has really paid off.
    He has been treating me so nicely, he does not miss an opportunity to contact me, see me (at my timetable), make me feel good etc.
    Last night he took me out for another one of his boys’ night out….and I was the only girl in the group basically. He was telling all his friends, and NoCD was there too (who had been trying to date me a few months ago but we decided to be friends)…and it was the first outing as a couple really. And he was soooo attentive and sweet and telling the guys how lucky he is to have met me…
    Yeah, he is a man’s man and they were checking out other women but I was kind of an insider and found it really interesting, and never felt insecure or anything because I had his full attention.
    This morning we went with breakfast with the boys again and it was just lovely, lots of jokey moments and him really proud of me and happy to be there with me.
    It has been many many years since I felt that someone was so into me and treated me so well and is not afraid to lay bare all his private life, even the not so shiny bits.
    He is a good guy and I am not saying that he is my forever man – we are still at the stage where he is trying to make me his girlfriend and when I don’t answer he will say ‘yes, yes, yes, you need more time’ and then we laugh about it.
    So who knows. But I am so glad that I didn’t let the red flags or age difference make me tip him out with the bath water, oh I’d have missed out on sooooo much already.
    I feel curious as to what, if anything, this develops into…I feel excited.



  233.  #233Tam on January 12, 2013 at 8:14 am

    Ha. When he said ‘you are my girlfriend now’ I answered that he could be my ‘friend with benefits’ for now and maybe more later, jokingly, and he was acting shocked:
    ‘I don’t want to be your friend with benefits, I want to be your forever man…or how about best friend and lover for now? Does that sound ok? I want to make you my best friend and lover. I will make you mine, you will see!’.
    Aw. So funny and sweet.



  234.  #234Tam on January 12, 2013 at 8:16 am

    217 Smile, that so so resonates with me. If I ever got married it would be a quiet and private affair. I hate being the centre of attention, it makes me feel on edge and under the microscope.
    I’d love to elope to a tropical beach (well, that’s what I have done already sans wedding..ha).



  235.  #235Smile on January 12, 2013 at 8:17 am

    Yey tam I feel excited for you too xxx



  236.  #236Smile on January 12, 2013 at 8:20 am

    Oo a wedding on a secluded beach, sounds idyllic tam!

    Off out now with fab friends! I love my life right now πŸ™‚



  237.  #237Lori on January 12, 2013 at 8:22 am

    I’m trying to keep my energy positive ladies. I don’t think he’s picked up the package yet. Grrr. Reminding myself that he’s busy with getting ready for the playoff game tonight. (he’s in the sports industry).



  238.  #238Tam on January 12, 2013 at 8:24 am

    Smile, FW, Annie. A man might say he never wants to get married and change his mind.
    I know at least 3 men who said that and got married again, all within 3 years of uttering those words with conviction ‘I will never ever get married again!’.

    Throwing out a man that feels right just because he hesitates about marriage is a little gamble. Who says you can find someone else who fits so well, and who says he won’t change his mind ‘on a dime’ and give you a ring all of a sudden?
    Men say a lot of things and then go and do the opposite.
    If he is a good man and into you and makes you feel great, well, perhaps it’s worth a chance and perhaps he will be open to discussing the future and marriage eventually, even though it is a barrier for him now.
    If in the earliest stages of a relationship, perhaps marriage is too much future thinking…and talking about marriage also – and you might find out after 6 months, that you don’t want to marry him – ever..



  239.  #239Tam on January 12, 2013 at 8:25 am

    Smile your card and happiness bag just made this day even more perfect..thank you!!



  240.  #240Smile on January 12, 2013 at 8:28 am

    Tam 234 yes this is the thing for me, he makes me feel great in so many ways, he is a step up guy so far and I receive a lit of energy from him. I don’t feel ready to stop seeing him yet. But I also don’t want to hoping he will change his mind. I would want to be ok with the possibility of it not happening and then if it did… Bonus!



  241.  #241Smile on January 12, 2013 at 8:28 am

    Yey it finally arrived!!!!!! Glad you like it πŸ™‚ x



  242.  #242Tam on January 12, 2013 at 8:33 am

    201 Memulo…eeek. The dog story. Nope, I could never sleep in a bed with a man and his dog.
    I would never want a pet in my crisp and clean sheets either.
    I was soooo happy to know (when we were still ‘just friends’), that Curly said ‘oh I don’t understand people sleep with their dogs. My dog and I, we are two guys, we don’t sleep together. He smells. He sleeps on the floor!’. Ha ha ha ha.
    I was so happy to hear that.
    But then he was pet sitting for a little cute clean short haired dog which would not sleep on the floor but crawl into his sheets at night and snuggle up. He said he just couldn’t refuse that as it was a little girl dog and she was cute and clean…I grumbled but as I never stayed at his house, I don’t care. Just the fact that it’s ok with a little girly dog, but not his male smelly dog friend…made me laugh a lot….he is so funny.



  243.  #243Tam on January 12, 2013 at 8:35 am

    236..Smile, if a man loves you, he will not stop short of anything to try to make you happy.
    Which doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go into a relationship with your eyes wide open.
    However, I really believe that he would want to make you his fully…but it may take time to find out.



  244.  #244Lori on January 12, 2013 at 8:48 am

    omg! This CD just told me “if beauty was a grain of sand, you would be all the sand in the world”.



  245.  #245Memulo on January 12, 2013 at 8:52 am

    My cd often tells me ‘I want you to be mine’



  246.  #246Memulo on January 12, 2013 at 8:54 am

    Is that Shakespeare Lori?



  247.  #247Tam on January 12, 2013 at 8:55 am

    Conundrum: going out with Chubby Austrian today. Curly asked me what I was doing…and if we could spend the day together. I said I was meeting a friend for coffee and it came out that it is a male friend. He did not ask any more questions, but he is a very clever intuitive man…and I only agreed to sexual exclusivity, so he knows it’s a ‘date – type situation’.
    I could feel the vibes but he said nothing.
    So that’s ok.
    But Austrian CD is really interested in me and the sweetest guy. And suddenly I feel worried, what if he wants to kiss me. It would feel wrong.
    I should also tell him that I am seeing someone else? As when we first met, almost 6 weeks ago, I was only on date 2 or so with Curly and did not see him as a good option.
    Ugh. Perhaps I do feel ready to commit, at least to being a girlfriend, sort of. Because just the thought of kissing another guy and making him believe he has a chance of a relationship with me, at this time, makes my stomach turn.
    Hm.
    I shall see how I feel later.



  248.  #248Lori on January 12, 2013 at 8:56 am

    I have no clue! It was nice to hear though. He’s very poetic.



  249.  #249Femininewoman on January 12, 2013 at 8:57 am

    “Throwing out a man that feels right just because he hesitates about marriage is a little gamble.”

    No Tam that is not my intention or thinking. Mine is that in walking away I show myself and the man that I am committed to my happiness and creating the kind of life that I want. It is also a subconscious message that I respect his own wish of what he wants in his life. If I hang around I might be tempted to say and do things trying to convince him that I am the right woman for him.

    For me it is important to acknowledge to myself if I want marriage and commit to being with a man who wants the same thing.



  250.  #250Femininewoman on January 12, 2013 at 9:03 am

    Tam now he has an incentive to show you that he is a better man and to shoulder the other guy out by filling up all your free time



  251.  #251Tam on January 12, 2013 at 9:08 am

    245 ‘who wants the same thing’.
    How and when is he supposed to know if one can’t give him time for the feelings to grow that might make him decide?
    My own father said after the divorce ‘I will never get married again’. After a 3 year relationship, he proposed and they have been married for 20 years now.
    So what would that tell you? And he is not the only man who has done that.
    Is the marriage more important than the man, and why?
    For me, it’s the man that counts.
    I had three proposals in my lifetime and could have been married 3 times…to the wrong men. Yes, they offered marriage but they were wrong.
    So for me, it is more important to be loved and feel great with the right man, then to insist on a piece of paper and a ring…which he will most likely offer me further down the road anyway, if he truly loves me and wants to make me happy and if this is what I want.
    For me, ‘marriage’ above the ‘relationship’ is insecurity speaking, and control.
    Impatience.
    ‘wants the same thing’, well for me it is more important that he wants me…and then he will want the same thing also. I truly believe in that. And after three proposals, I find that to be the truth.



  252.  #252Tam on January 12, 2013 at 9:10 am

    246..lol FW, he has tried to fill up my weekend already and was a bit taken aback that I had plans..but I believe a little ‘away time’ is healthy. Even if he is not wanting it, for me it is very good because it means rather than getting too attached, I can focus on myself more…that’s needed at this early stage.



  253.  #253Tam on January 12, 2013 at 9:22 am

    Ladies, this is funny. This morning I come out of the bathroom to see Curly sit at my desk, reading glasses, on my computer. It was the cutest picture ever but I freaked!!!!
    I have a link to this blog and a journal and pics of men and all sorts on here. I just went ‘you are snooping on me!!!’ and he looked like a little boy, and grinned and said ‘aw, no, I just wanted to check my emails’. OMG.
    The man is something else. He could have asked. I know he was snooping a little. My facebook was open with a message from his friend that wanted to date me – I left it open before going into the bathroom. Thank God I told him about it before. For sure he read it again.
    The cute thing is that I was totally honest with the guy and told him I was dating curly but that we could meet one day maybe. And the guy wrote back (this message was open), that he gathered Curly really liked me and he could see that in his eyes weeks ago and hence he only now got the courage to ask me for a date as he didn’t want to do it in front of him.
    And that is what Curly read, I am sure. I had already told him a bit about it anyway, so no big deal.
    And at breakfast he said to the other guys ‘I have competition from within my own ranks!’.
    And they were all gossipy and asking who it was etc. I got up and went to the restroom and said to Curly ‘want to check my phone too?’ and he was embarrassed and said ‘I am not a snooper’.
    Pretty funny.
    I was a little upset to find him at my computer, but I trust it was innocent and he really just did want to check his emails…judging by the look he gave me when I ‘had a go at him’…he he he.



  254.  #254Tam on January 12, 2013 at 9:46 am

    Shit a brick, MrP just contacted me



  255.  #255Lori on January 12, 2013 at 9:50 am

    You know, for all I didn’t want to CD, I’m having a blast! lol. One guy is willing to drive 400 miles to meet me. Another wants to take me on a hot air balloon ride. (I skydive so he figured I’d like it). Another has a bike which I love. I’m feeling sexy, beautiful and powerful. I don’t need to commit to anyone.



  256.  #256Tam on January 12, 2013 at 9:53 am

    testing the waters, some random link and message about the island I used to live on.
    Most people don’t even know that about me, he was always able to retain the tiniest snippet of info I told him about me, like no other man ever could or did.
    Whoa, lots of mixed feelings.



  257.  #257Lori on January 12, 2013 at 9:55 am

    I think I just melted. See below email from another CD. What a charmer. lol

    “I believe your eyes are the window to your soul and combined with your smile you have a glow about you that makes me want to be around you and learn more. I am one that feels your eyes are the window to your soul And you seem to have a glow or happiness that makes me attracted to you Yes you’re beautiful but your eyes and smile are amazing”.



  258.  #258Tam on January 12, 2013 at 9:56 am

    I just thanked him politely. He wrote back addressing me with my pet name and that it was his pleasure.
    Here we go….now I feel curious whether he will let it rest there…the usual pattern is after he sends me something random and I respond, to step up the action.
    Perhaps not this time.



  259.  #259CurvySiren10 on January 12, 2013 at 9:58 am

    234- Tam, yes!!! I heard those words. Repeatedly. With conviction. From the man I am marrying… lol. Absolutely agree that dismissing someone based on words they utter in the moment is a potentially big mistake. Really limits you and doesn’t allow you to get to know people who may end being the perfect fit, wanting what you want at the end of the day. Great post. πŸ™‚



  260.  #260Tam on January 12, 2013 at 10:01 am

    255 Aw Curvy Siren, so that makes 4 men that I know of who have said they would never get married again and changed their mind.
    You see, peeps?
    If in doubt, let the actions unfold over time…before jumping to conclusions…



  261.  #261Lori on January 12, 2013 at 10:05 am

    I love the success stories! I’m going to hope it happens in my case. In the meantime, I’m busy and having fun doing what I want to do.



  262.  #262Tam on January 12, 2013 at 10:09 am

    MrP’s message didn’t throw me.
    I’d kick him to the curb if he tried to come back into my life now.
    And I will bump into him in the next 6 weeks…for sure. Curly wants to take me to this place where I used to go on Sundays with MrP, and we might even see him there. If not then when our common friends move down here in Feb. I can’t wait to test my reaction….one thing that the Curly episode has taught me: once someone treats you like a queen and is proud to be with you and is trying to make you ‘his’, I could never go back to someone who was dilly-dallying. Not even for practice.
    Far too much work.
    I prefer being adored without working for it.



  263.  #263Tam on January 12, 2013 at 10:11 am

    and failing that, actually, I prefer being alone and doing something nice for myself than trying to get blood out of stone.



  264.  #264Tam on January 12, 2013 at 10:32 am

    Oh, I don’t need internet dating anymore. I am rocking this stuff..just got chatted up by a hot looking late 40’s guy in 7/11..we talked about which are the best sweets and after all that he asked if I wanted to join him for a few beers…well, I had to get ready for my date in an hour. Damn!! Haha.



  265.  #265Rori Raye on January 12, 2013 at 10:44 am

    Elsie – Welcome to posting – and…you’re focusing on such tiny, small, irrelevant things here – that I wonder what your attention to these meaningless differences and things is covering up. My first guess would be – he still lives with his wife. AND, perhaps he isn’t lovingly emotional to you in general the way you want. My advice to you is to work on yourself – on what you consider your “emotionality” – which feels highly “dramatic” here in this letter and feels like it’s not serving you in any way. It’s not helping you see clearly, it’s not helping you talk with him about the important things – like how are you going to be together when these divorces are over? Love, Rori



  266.  #266Indigo on January 12, 2013 at 10:46 am

    Tam, wow!

    I cannot believe the change in your vibe from the time I first started reading the blog.

    You are rocking it, and sounding so confident!

    πŸ™‚



  267.  #267Tam on January 12, 2013 at 10:50 am

    Thanks Indigo, it comes and goes a bit like with everyone but the bottom line is that I got happier with myself over the last few weeks and months and it’s finally all paying off.
    That said, I sometimes lack the motivation to see how a relationship would work as I am so happy with myself, hence at the slightest hurdle like with Curly I am like ‘meh, I am happy alone actually, can’t be bothered dealing with stuff’.
    Though, that’s not right either.
    I am experimenting πŸ™‚



  268.  #268FlowerChild77 on January 12, 2013 at 10:53 am

    I’m confused. I was online late last night (around 10:30pm CST) and all that was up when I clicked on “Rori’s Blog” was the previous thread. I even closed the window and went to the HTRYW site again to make sure, (as there were well over 1000 posts in the last thread, I figured there should be a new one soon.)

    I came online about 45 minutes ago (it is now 12:50pm CST) and I see that the new thread has been up since YESTERDAY morning at 6:27am (which would be 8:27am here.)

    This happens often. Does it happen to anyone else? Just really curious….



  269.  #269Indigo on January 12, 2013 at 11:08 am

    D skyped me again today. He asked how I was and what I’d been up to. We chatted a bit.

    Dominique talks about how you can *feel* each other at a distance, and I definitely can. Most of the time, I can feel when he has just skyped me even if I am not at my computer, and I’m almost always right.

    This feeling is not “friends” at all, and never will be. My friends and I, yes, we go through times where we chat quite a bit, but then days or weeks will pass when we don’t and we don’t even notice. D messages me every single day, or every second day at the absolute least. In two and a half years, he has not broken this once.

    Strangely, I feel calm about all of this. I am ok with all of it. My own inner work and talking with all of you ladies has given me the belief that all is well, I am ok and things work out as they are meant to πŸ™‚



  270.  #270Maria on January 12, 2013 at 11:50 am

    I feel excited and happy. Maybe the theory that you can’t do anything wrong with the right guy might be true. MM asked me what was for breakfast this morning. I hadn’t talked to him since Monday when he expressed how upset with me was. I leaned back even though I didn’t want to and I really thought that he wasnt going to speak to me again. I’m going to practice FM’s on him. I also want to CD but its cold on the east coast and I tend to become a homebody in the winter. Happy Saturday to you all!



  271.  #271Tam on January 12, 2013 at 11:51 am

    I feel so tired. The old boy is taking it out of me lol.

    And I still don’t know what I m supposed to say to Chubby…ermm..thanks for taking me out but, you know, I have an ‘almost’ boyfriend…ermmm..



  272.  #272janie baby on January 12, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    Maria me too i love being by myself at home unless i’m really into someone; its too cold to trek outside unless you’re special or want to come to me haha!



  273.  #273Dominique on January 12, 2013 at 12:51 pm

    Smile – 180 – You are so cute. And you might change your mind again, lol, or not.

    xxoo



  274.  #274Dominique on January 12, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    sensual – @107 – You’ve only been seeing this man for six weeks. This is not yet a relationship. No script is needed yet.

    If you’re interested in this man, then please try to relax and let things unfold as they will.

    When you get to the point of exclusivity, then it you may want to say something, yet I prefer and often suggest to reinforce and appreciate what you do like about this man. Not only will the things that may not sit as well with you not tend to bother you as much (for you will be too busy enjoying all that he does say and do to and for you), you will tend to get more of what you want.

    xxoo



  275.  #275Butterfly Wings on January 12, 2013 at 1:31 pm

    Hmmm Tam, I don’t know what I would’ve done if both S and J had stepped up, because I like BOTH of them!

    Both have their positive and negative qualities too, although thankfully J made it easy on me and weeded himself out, although he remains in contact.

    I’m feeling more and more attracted to S every day. πŸ™‚



  276.  #276FlowerChild77 on January 12, 2013 at 1:40 pm

    Happy for you, BW πŸ™‚



  277.  #277Starbright on January 12, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    268 Flowerchild,

    That has happened to me before although very rarely. Hmmmm



  278.  #278maxine on January 12, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    i wanted to post a *thankyou* to rori and all the inspiring women on this blog who’s generosity and openness of sharing their experiences have supported me through hell in the past 6 months…though i have not posted often i have checked in daily..
    my partner of 17 years had put me through torture closing down, sneaking around, calling me a bad mother, bullying me, controlling me until i took an overdose in July 2012..staying with him after this being too overwhelmed to do anything else he went on to completely ignore me in our home infront of our kids stating previously he didn’t know how he felt about me anymore and he’d see how it went. He was taking control over our girls and making decisions about things without asking me. All this time I’m the breadwinner and he’s enjoying the benefits of my income. Come Sept. thanks to roris work, i grew strong and told him I wanted to consider us separated. After this his anger grew and tried to make my life so awful he hoped id just move out leaving him with everything esp. our kids. Well I found the strength to meet his strength and I waited him out whilst visibly moving on as a single person until he could take seeing me strong and happy no more and moved out alone.
    I now have my girls, my home, my belongings amazing friends he used to try to prevent me from seeing, I’m circular dating and im just so strong and wise now thanks to Rori and you ladies on here.
    All Roris tools come so naturally to me now..all I have to do now is stop him trying to hurt me any further which is what he is trying to do, financially and emotionally. He won’t back off, has let himself in my home while im not there ( he has a key as he takes the girls to school when I’m at work) besides for the girls, I’ve found my mail opened and thrownaway..list is endless..so with a lot of courage I’ve laid down the law to this bullying scary man this week..lets see now if it works..
    Now for the punchline ladies…
    This week I found out the truth…for months HE made me feel suspicious, excluded, jealous, paranoid, unreasonable…laying any blame and guilt he could on me for our failing relationship…..my instincts told me there was someone else…
    This week I discovered THERE WAS someone else!!!
    In all this ugly mess I’d like to impart some learnings..

    TRUST your instincts
    Rori is right..even when you think it’s not working or maybe even staging you..that’s just YOU resisting the truth!
    Circular Dating works..believe me I had my doubts..but it sets you free from your old attachments!
    Old muses really DO fall off your horse when you keep up circular Dating
    You have more power than you think and if you feel controlled you ARE being controlled..shake free from it!

    I wish everyone such happiness on here xx



  279.  #279Sha-sha on January 12, 2013 at 3:22 pm

    @tam….. I agree with U about getting married! I rather be loved and treated like a queen then have a Ring and piece of paper..



  280.  #280Sha-sha on January 12, 2013 at 3:26 pm

    Tonight is going to be so exciting…. he is taking me on a suprise date. All I know is I’m supposed to be dressed and ready by 8:30 tonight..omg so happy I’m feeling happinesss excitement and nervous like a little girl all at once.. can’t wait to seee how the night plays out! ***totally in Love***



  281.  #281Sha-sha on January 12, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚



  282.  #282Butterfly Wings on January 12, 2013 at 3:45 pm

    276: FlowerChild77 – Thank you. πŸ™‚



  283.  #283FlowerChild77 on January 12, 2013 at 3:57 pm

    Not a big deal… but thanks, Starbright πŸ™‚



  284.  #284Butterfly Wings on January 12, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    Things are moving VERY slow with S right now, and purely because it’s school holidays and he has his son at home.

    I can feel this sense of urgency, which I am working to keep in check, because there is no hurry, and things will fall into place as they’re supposed to.

    We’ve met up twice since NYE although we talk every day. The last time we saw each other was supposed to be a 10 minute catchup. But four hours later our respective children were texting us to find out where we were! Hehe!

    He’s already asked if we can go on a “proper” date once his son is back at his mother’s and I’m counting down the days!



  285.  #285BeLoved on January 12, 2013 at 5:03 pm

    Bye Luzydel!
    I’ve taken breaks sometimes, too, because I don’t feel interested in the blog….it always feels good to come back with fresh eyes.



  286.  #286FlowerChild77 on January 12, 2013 at 5:37 pm

    Anticipation is really fore-play, BW. Think about it πŸ˜‰



  287.  #287Daria on January 12, 2013 at 5:49 pm

    I feel so angry at stereotypes , being stereotyped, seeing others being stereotyped. And judged.

    I feel pist rrgg.

    I feel pist thinking about people from outside of a culture/community working within that communicate and judging its members.

    I must do this oh yes I do hmm.

    Like being all nice to them outdoorsy but personally would never date them or take on the risk of being associated w them socially.

    I feel so rageful!

    I want to forgive mysef fit doing thus intr waysi dont see. Thank you Daria.

    Yay it’s working my perspective is shifting



  288.  #288Daria on January 12, 2013 at 5:58 pm

    I feel heartbroken that these dynamics of stereotyping / judging keep people from connecting and feeling safe loved and happy πŸ™

    Awww

    I feel so excited to be healing these patterns!

    Yay people healing !



  289.  #289Daria on January 12, 2013 at 6:00 pm

    I made up w a CD and yesterday I kicked it w him and w Get right… I introduced them!

    So was with two men who liked me.

    Get right was talking about how I’m go a be his wife…

    The other guy was drawing a pic of me

    I used my masculine energy to organize the event lol

    I’m feeling myself do much now that I can use both energies at will !



  290.  #290Daria on January 12, 2013 at 6:08 pm

    Then I left them all together and got picked up by Nanny CD to go dancing



  291.  #291Scarlet on January 12, 2013 at 6:38 pm

    I’m feeling terrible right now. Totally heartbroken.
    After three weeks of full on relationship, he has disappeared. Three days ago he said he needed some space (which could be interpreted as he’s fallen off the wagon of substance abuse), but was telling me he loved me. Now – nothing. He won’t even answer my calls. I feel embarrassed that I fell for it again. I feel more embarrassed that all I want is for him to come back and I would take him back. I just feel devastated that we were so close and now he doesn’t want me.
    It has brought up all my feelings of being unwanted ever since I was in my mother’s womb. That’s how it all started and it’s finished the same way.



  292.  #292Annie on January 12, 2013 at 6:43 pm

    279: Sha-sha says:

    “@tam….. I agree with U about getting married! I rather be loved and treated like a queen then have a Ring and piece of paper..”

    Each to their own.
    I don’t want a to settle for either or. I want it all, to be loved treated like a queen and the commitment of ring and a piece of paper.
    And I feel confident that the right man for me will want what I want and want to give it me all πŸ™‚



  293.  #293Daria on January 12, 2013 at 6:46 pm

    Scarlet – i feel moved a d numb reading of your situation.

    It would feel good to help so ill sgare what id do.

    since this has brought up feelings of being unwanted … I would take the opportunity to use Roris tools here. Rejoice ! At noticing the feelings…. This is why I practice this dating , for these feelings and patterns to come up and be healed.

    Then say and write lots of love to myself and those feelings.

    Choose to believe that just by doing this the pattern is healing…. And what will come next from life will be that much more powerful n great because of it

    Big hugs! It seems awful, yet it’s really an exciting moment of choosing healing and love



  294.  #294Annie on January 12, 2013 at 6:48 pm

    Scarlett. 291. Hugs.
    “It has brought up all my feelings of being unwanted ever since I was in my mother’s womb. That’s how it all started and it’s finished the same way.”

    Did you read BeLoved post earlier?
    Feel sure this would help you.



  295.  #295Daria on January 12, 2013 at 6:49 pm

    Yay I have a new CD tomorrow at 3 !



  296.  #296Daria on January 12, 2013 at 6:53 pm

    His tag line is : Find out how much of a gentleman I am !

    πŸ™‚



  297.  #297Annie on January 12, 2013 at 6:55 pm

    187: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    Reflections during my morning sadhana:
    Memories coming up and drifting through
    without blame I could see more clearly
    loving my inner drama queen
    loving the messages she has for me
    thank you
    I remembered once, my ex (I worked in his bar) came up to me near the end of a long shift and pestered me for a ride to pick up his car from a mechanic, in another city. It was nearly 2am, and I had another job to be at in 6 hours.
    I remember how I couldn’t say no
    the fear, the guilt, the anger
    the anger that he would wait until the last minute to ask me
    the anger that his other girlfriend (poly relationship) said no and
    β€œleft” the β€œdirty work” to me
    the fear of what might happen if I flat out told him no
    feeling worn out by the way he managed to overcome every objection
    so I relented and the rage just kept building and building and building
    and by the time I dropped him off I pretty much pushed him out of the car, screaming like a banshee

    Now I see, how my inability to say β€œNO” caused me massive amounts of pain.

    My inner drama queen and pain tell me when I am out of integrity with my values. She tells me when I have divorced from an aspect of myself – like with the vendor, I disconnected from the feelings of unworthiness and went into manipulator mode, causing a rift in communication and an internal rift, which HURT LIKE H3LL.

    I feel so much better now that I choose to trust life, and choose to trust that the perfect partner is already selected, I don’t have to DO or WORRY or THINK or FIGURE OUT.
    Last night, as I settled into sleep, I felt a warm, mothering presence holding me. I felt so safe, so secure and thought
    Oh
    I’ve been chasing after a man all this time and
    what I’ve been wanting is
    a mother’s love.
    I’m crying soft tears of joy and gratitude
    thank you
    thank you
    thank you.



  298.  #298Annie on January 12, 2013 at 6:56 pm

    Scarlet, Hugs.
    I feel sure BeLoved posts above will help you process this.



  299.  #299Daria on January 12, 2013 at 6:58 pm

    This CD was a little forward on the more casual site were both on. Guess not all guys who come on sexually are hopelessly off page sexually.

    I will stop sidelining them for forward sexual remarks.

    They may be gentlemen



  300.  #300Scarlet on January 12, 2013 at 6:58 pm

    Thanks Daria. I appreciate your advice.



  301.  #301Annie on January 12, 2013 at 7:01 pm

    Daria says.

    “Big hugs! It seems awful, yet it’s really an exciting moment of choosing healing and love.”
    Daria Yes yes yes. I love that.

    Two choices chose to sink into that pain and find love and healing.

    Or distract. numb it out and turn to some addiction, tv, sex, cigarettes, gambling, drugs, mancrack, more pain.



  302.  #302Scarlet on January 12, 2013 at 7:01 pm

    Yeah Annie that post sure is relevant to me now.



  303.  #303Annie on January 12, 2013 at 7:12 pm

    BeLoved.

    The way I see it is I have my mind, heart and soul which are all connected.
    Logic helps me and is not to be ignored, my feelings from my heart help me and also are not to be ignored, like Rori says follow them.
    However any best decisions come from my higher self my soul, not my heart or my logical brain they are their to guide me and my higher self. The one as you refer to it as your ‘mother’ Now I see, how my inability to say β€œNO” caused me massive amounts of pain.

    Others would see this as God or the universe or something similar. So, mother, mother earth as in universe, God none of that matters what we call it.
    Bit basically a knowing what is best and being to connected to a higher power and our higher selves.
    Rather than making decisions from our emotions or our primitive lower reptilian lizard part of our brains.



  304.  #304BeLoved on January 12, 2013 at 7:30 pm

    ((((((((Scarlet))))))))

    I don’t think there is anything more painful than the feeling of being unwanted by our mothers, especially in the womb.
    Did you know that 100% of death row inmates were unwanted children?
    These are intense feelings…
    sink into them as best you can – this is the advice that Rori gave me when I first came here in July and it has served me so well.
    The day I first came here, and sank deeeeep into those feelings that made me want to rip myself out of my skin,
    something happened.
    Over the course of a few days, traumatic memories resurfaced and started shifting.
    A memory of an ex, berating me, suddenly shifted to where he was crying and saying he is sorry and of course he respects my decision not to sleep with him.
    Another memory of another ex, beating me, shifting and he was also suddenly crying, sorry, holding and loving me.
    This released a lot of energy, and I felt manic for a couple of hours,
    sank into THOSE feelings
    and fell into sort of a stupor
    as I lay there, feeling so sick,
    I noticed I could hear voices singing,
    “Welcome, you are so WELCOME, we can’t wait to MEET you, Beloved, we love you so much! Welcome, you are so welcome!”

    So let me softly sing to you…
    Scarlet
    You are so wanted
    You are so loved
    Welcome!
    Welcome!
    We love you…welcome welcome
    You are such a blessing!
    I feel so blessed you are here!
    Thank you for coming!
    You are so wanted, so loved, so cherished, so precious
    soft sweet gentle loving tender butterfly kisses and treasured newborn baby hugs to you, Miss Scarlet

    Be kind to you
    Take good care of you
    You are one of a kind, never been another like you and never will be again and you are a blessing to this world
    (((((Scarlett))))



  305.  #305Femininewoman on January 12, 2013 at 8:35 pm

    (((((((((((((Scarlet)))))))))))))



  306.  #306Femininewoman on January 12, 2013 at 8:40 pm

    Wow Maxine. You sound so strong.



  307.  #307Radlove on January 12, 2013 at 9:06 pm

    Smile,

    Thanks for thinking of me and my dogs! For me, the family resemblance is astounding! I have two German Shepherds, and they have long, black noses and pointy ears, just like me! πŸ˜† (y)



  308.  #308Daria on January 12, 2013 at 9:09 pm

    Wow Get Right just called and wants to see me ( and pick me up w his friend since he doesn’t drive)

    Hehe fun! I just saw him last nite and left hehe he seems like he’s getting more and more into me



  309.  #309Daria on January 12, 2013 at 9:10 pm

    Radlove / you are so funny !!



  310.  #310Radlove on January 12, 2013 at 9:26 pm

    Annie,

    188 – It is valid to determine whether or not you want dogs in your life. My experience with them has been that the joy outweighs the hardships of it. Many times I’ve had to leave a party early or what have you because my dogs needed to be let out. But for me, it is worth it all: inconvenience, expense, and dirt. They bring a lot of joy into my life. I love them more than most people. That is kinda sad to say, but that is my deep truth. That’s because their love is unfailing and unconditional, like God’s, and I have felt let down by people more often than not. I have a hard time receiving the love of people, because my heart defaults to a safe distance, knowing it will most likely be hurt. Once in a great while, I let someone all the way in, and then they kick me to the curb. So my distance grows a little more far away.

    The love of dogs is pure, and I trust my dogs when they lick my hand then lay their head on it. They adore me. They live to spend time with me. They follow me from room to room. Often I look up from whatever I’m doing to find them just gazing at me.

    And it’s not just one sided. I gaze at them, too. I kiss them and hug them every day, telling them how much I love them. And I mean it — I’ve proven my love to them many times over. I have lived in woods and in my car in order to keep them and not have to give them up. I have made a lot of sacrifices for them. If it weren’t for my dogs, I would have given up many times over, and not tried to find a home. I would have given in to depression that has engulfed me most of my life and just taken the path of least resistance to a mental hospital.

    But every time life seemed like too much, I have thought about the quality of life of my dogs. If I gave up, they would be put in the hands of someone who would never love them as much as I do. They would probably end up dead, because that’s what so-called shelters do, is murder animals in the name of “humane”…enough on that.

    I think I have become so discriminating with men because I consider myself to be a fortunate girl…not only have I known Divine Love, but I have known the close up and personal love of a dog. I am still waiting to find a man whose love is that pure and that loyal and that unfailing.

    The longer I go on in life, the more I become convinced that that level of pure love is not to be found on earth…outside of a dog.

    They are not my dogs, not mere property. They are my friends, and I love them with my life.



  311.  #311Memulo on January 12, 2013 at 10:03 pm

    I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Am I going to never sleep with another man? Or wait like years? I can’t make myself do it. After a great dinner and a great movie and lots if attention and affection I CAN’T do it



  312.  #312Memulo on January 12, 2013 at 10:06 pm

    Scarlet breathe! and CD even if you dint want to. Leave it with him for now, do things for yourself



  313.  #313Lisa on January 12, 2013 at 10:08 pm

    I can understand how she feels, I
    just recently, separated and I see,
    my marriage isnt gettin, any better.
    we are better off as friends anyways,
    I hope you all find love, and stay happy.



  314.  #314Lisa on January 12, 2013 at 10:10 pm

    I am new to this Rori, blog it is interesting, to read others, and comment to them.



  315.  #315Butterfly Wings on January 12, 2013 at 10:59 pm

    286: FlowerChild77 – Yup I think you could be right! Poor S, when I get my hands on him! πŸ˜‰



  316.  #316Indigo on January 12, 2013 at 11:04 pm

    Maxine,

    I feel SOOO thrilled to see an update from you. I must say, I remember your story and was wondering how you were doing.

    All I can say is Wow! You sound amazing and strong.

    Yay you! πŸ™‚



  317.  #317Lori on January 12, 2013 at 11:04 pm

    I’m missing him so much tonight. Ugh.



  318.  #318Indigo on January 12, 2013 at 11:07 pm

    ((((Scarlet))))

    I kind of identify with how you are feeling and all I can say is, Daria is right. This is actually a time for celebration.

    An amazing time to begin healing and deeply loving yourself, and looking ahead to the future.

    Have faith that you are loveable and all will be ok xx



  319.  #319Butterfly Wings on January 12, 2013 at 11:11 pm

    Inspiring story Maxine! xx



  320.  #320Butterfly Wings on January 12, 2013 at 11:16 pm

    S is so cute when he’s being flirty because I’m not sure it’s something he’s done a lot of over the years. Loving it and basking in happiness right now… and can’t wait to see him next ! Rawr! πŸ™‚



  321.  #321Smile on January 13, 2013 at 2:07 am

    259- curvysiren and tam

    Yes I know in my heart I’m not ready to stop seeing him just because he says now he doesn’t want to. He’s a big believer in marriage and feels bad because he broke the vow of for better or worse. I spoke to my closest girl friends about him yesterday and told them I was struggling about deciding what I want for my future in general not just with him. They too said like I am changing my mind, he may too in maybe 5 years he might see it differently but then again he might not, and he might not even be with me then soooo I’m just going to stay in the moment now. I felt a bit relieved that my friends supported the fact that I might not want to. They are all married or divorced and offered me great insight.



  322.  #322Smile on January 13, 2013 at 2:10 am

    Radlove, that is so funny. Seeeee owners choose dogs they look like. quite a sweeping statement for my limited research lol but I loved your description πŸ™‚

    I loved reading about your relationship you have with your dogs. Thank you.



  323.  #323Smile on January 13, 2013 at 2:11 am

    Maxine I can feel your strength! Keep riding girl!



  324.  #324Smile on January 13, 2013 at 2:16 am

    When I first came here I found out it was healing to cry, so I cried freely when I needed to. Sometimes I was just numb so I let myself feel numb. Then after not hearing from him still, I slowly began to get a little bit of energy to pick me up and move me forward. Move me off the bed and into my clothes. Energy to leave the house. Energy to meet friends. Energy creates energy and so it just kept growing. I didn’t look for closure. I just kept riding and let my energy carry me forward.



  325.  #325Smile on January 13, 2013 at 2:17 am

    ((scarlet))

    ((lori))



  326.  #326Smile on January 13, 2013 at 2:39 am

    Tam I feel the same about dating others when you have seen a guy quite a lot. Not being exclusive means of course your free to do this. I’m the ops to you though. I’m clear with the new guy I’m dating others but amb cd doesn’t know because when we met I wasn’t. Also I feel guilty because amb cd is away at the minute. If he was here I probably would just talk to guys and not meet them…?



  327.  #327Smile on January 13, 2013 at 2:41 am

    Maybe the universe sent him away for a month to test this. He has been in contact with me whilst he is away in a remote place. And last night my face lit up so much when he made contact! I was grinning from ear to ear. I bask in his energy!



  328.  #328k2012 on January 13, 2013 at 3:06 am

    “Circular Dating works..believe me I had my doubts..but it sets you free from your old attachments.”. Maxine that is so true. Totally agree with that. Thanks for that advice. From reading what u wrote, u obviously went through hell with your partner. Glad u have emerged stronger and have benefitted from the support on here. My ex disappeared on me from last July and I am talking to a guy overseas who I went to school with but didn’t know at the time. He is the first candidate, I could say as I am looking forward to meeting more guys but this time in my country. I feel happy at this time that someone else has emerged after this man (disappearing ex) has hurt me so badly. So there is someone else to focus on now and by the Grace of God, I am going to meet at least THREE more men and watch and see who will step up.



  329.  #329Radlove on January 13, 2013 at 3:30 am

    Daria,

    307 – Thanks! πŸ™‚



  330.  #330Radlove on January 13, 2013 at 3:32 am

    Smile,

    318 – Thanks! I have seen what you are talking about with people looking like their dogs. For example, an older man with droopy jowls looking like his bulldog with droopy jowls. Or a petite woman who is real energetic with a chihuahua.



  331.  #331Smile on January 13, 2013 at 3:35 am

    Oo I could be a chihuahua!! My friend has red curly hair and so does her dog lol, it’s so cute πŸ™‚



  332.  #332Smile on January 13, 2013 at 3:38 am

    I feel uncomfortable meeting a guy in the same small town as amb cd.

    I feel brave and will be honest when we meet to let him know I am dating others if he asks how match is going for me.

    He is also not a guy who I would normally go for, I’ll call him doc cd.



  333.  #333k2012 on January 13, 2013 at 4:26 am

    Ladies,Suppose I am circular dating with 3 cds and none of them step up? Suppose also that all of them step up assuming that u have about 3. What do I do then in a case when all 3 want a serious relationship?



  334.  #334Memulo on January 13, 2013 at 4:28 am

    K2012, relax, it’s ok to have your preference;) Pick whoever you like the best, you don’t have to ask anyone



  335.  #335k2012 on January 13, 2013 at 4:33 am

    I am not dating 3 cds. Its just one so far online and we are getting to know each other. I just ask the question because I am looking ahead and I want to get an idea of what to do in the event that something like this happens.



  336.  #336k2012 on January 13, 2013 at 4:46 am

    Hey Memulo, just saw your response to my previous post. Thanks for answering. By the time I typed the last post explaining why I was asking, I heard an email come in and while I didn’t check, I knew it was someone who posted. Thanks for answering. By the way, I cracked up big time at your post about the man and his dogs. Oh my goodness. It was hilarious. Lol. So u ran to the hills right? Lori, u are enjoying urself in circular dating. Great. Glad to know u are enjoying yourself.



  337.  #337Memulo on January 13, 2013 at 4:49 am

    K2012, of course they will all be crazy about you and your job wil be to pick! Take your time though and receive their attention.



  338.  #338Memulo on January 13, 2013 at 5:09 am

    K2012, it’s nice to talk to you;) Great you are CD’ing and my opinion is that the best is to go to as many dates as you physically can. Even if you are indifferent about the guys or think there’s little hope. It’s just a date and it’s a new experience. But you prob know all this without me.
    Yes the dog guy.. I have another story from a few years back about a bird guy.. the one who had a big female parrot. He let he fly freely around the apartment and she didn’t like me- we had dinner at his house, 3 of us as she got served first and he also said- she is upset about you, she may want to bite you, that would mean she is really depressed. So I suddenly remembered that I had an urgent business elsewhere and went to take care of it.

    My gfriend says I should write a book.



  339.  #339Femininewoman on January 13, 2013 at 5:11 am

    K2012 Just remember that you cannot get to know someone unless they are in your life. Face to face and dating. Please don’t get sucked into the illusion of thinking that you can have a connection or relationship with someone you have not seen. It happens easily with online dating. Think of such a person as a penpal as all you have been you is words. Without physical presence there really is nothing.



  340.  #340Memulo on January 13, 2013 at 5:27 am

    Please please can it just not work out between him and that girl? Please can something just go wrong!!!!!!



  341.  #341Vi on January 13, 2013 at 5:33 am

    I caught a moment when I start putting responsibility on myself for a man’s feelings toward me. It feels so exciting to notice! It helped to get aware of my expectations that a man will be ‘responsible’ and take care of what I feel for him too. My shoulders feel lighter and face muscles feel more relaxed.



  342.  #342Tam on January 13, 2013 at 5:47 am

    I had a great time with chubby Austrian and feel guilty..not because I had the date since Curly went out to dinner too and who knows with whom?
    It’s just that Chubby is such a good boy, and Curly is not in many ways…and it made me re-think him.
    He has done nothing wrong, but I like a good boy with no illustrous past and a plethora of women friends or ex-dates.
    Maybe I also feel close to him because he comes from the same European mentality background….financially stable and conservative, very clever and University educated….and so on.
    Hrmpf.
    Well, I am not attracted to him either…haha.
    I only briefly thought of MrP this morning and sighed – nothing else..



  343.  #343Femininewoman on January 13, 2013 at 6:49 am

    It possibly could Memulo. Yet this pining desperate energy that you are swirling around in will block him from reconnecting with you should that happen. It certainly won’t inspire him when he feels you still clinging on threads of him in your mind.



  344.  #344k2012 on January 13, 2013 at 6:52 am

    Feminine woman and Memulo, thanks for your response. I am being very cautious FW and I agree with what u said. Cause we went to school and was in the same year group but didn’t actually meet physically yet. I met him through our school alumni on facebook and found out he was in my yeargroup just like dissappearing ex who he knows as all 3 of us were in the same year group. He doesn’t know that the ex who I speak about is disappearing ex though and I won’t tell him. I was thinking about it this morning and of course because I intend to meet other guys, I am leaving everything up to him, that is Overseas CD. I will wait for him to decide what he is doing WHILE I CIRCULAR DATE. In other words, he will have to decide if he is coming to our country to meet me. He is supposed to visit another part of our country(he is my nationality) in March. Its just the weekend he will be coming for. I will see if h makes any changes in order to meet me. He asked when I am coming back to _______ where my sister lives. I told him I am not sure when as I don’t think I am travelling this year as I need to save more. He said when I go to my sister in the state that she lives,he will drive from his state to look for me as he likes driving. In the meantime, I hope next weekend. I can get to go out with my friend to see if I can physically meet other guys and enjoy myself and see if anyone of them will step up eventually. So with overseas cd being the first candidate I will have a ball searching for other guys and chatting with him until the right guy steps forward. Memulo, I am cracking up at the parrot joke. That one is hilarious too. Is it a cd u are talking about in your previous post when u said u hope it doesn’t work out with the other girl or is it your disappearing ex? Have something to say about my disappearing ex but when I break again as I am working from home.



  345.  #345Femininewoman on January 13, 2013 at 6:57 am

    “You cannot help a relationship recover by being sad and miserable.You can only help a relationship record by recovering your own high spirits and sense of fun, your own devotion to YOU and to having a good life, good times, and good feelings. This is not only the best way to attract a man who can make you happy ot os the best way to heal everyone and everything around you. You feel good about you, you share that fun and good feeling with everyone just because it radiates out of you, and everyone feels better and feels compelled to be around you”.



  346.  #346Femininewoman on January 13, 2013 at 7:00 am

    K2012 I wouldn’t be speaking about an ex.



  347.  #347Femininewoman on January 13, 2013 at 7:14 am

    ================================
    3 CORRECT WAYS TO PLAY HARD-TO-GET
    =======================

    Tip #1 – Be Hard To Win, But Easy To Approach.

    When you play hard-to-get, you’re basically telling the men you meet: “You can’t win my heart just yet. You’ll have to show me you’re willing to work for it.”

    But that doesn’t mean you can’t be friends with hem. Be easy to approach, be ready to smile and talk. Be the kind of woman men like spending time with!

    Tip #2 – Play Nice!

    Playing hard-to-get doesn’t mean you must be rude. You’re not supposed to be some “mean girl” to him. Far from it!

    Think of it this way: The WRONG way to play hard-to-get is to send him the message: “Get away from me!”

    The RIGHT way is to send him the message: “Catch me if you can!”

    Are you sending him the right message? πŸ˜‰

    And finally:

    Tip #3 – Set Your Standards!

    As I’ve said earlier: Playing hard-to-get is NOT random. You have to set rules, limitations, and standards. For instance, you can set such standards
    as: “He shouldn’t smoke.” “He should have a stable job.” “He should NOT be a player.” And so on.

    When you DON’T have standards, you risk letting the jerks into the bedroom. So set your standards and make sure only the REAL MEN come into your life!

    by Alexandra Fox



  348.  #348CurvySiren10 on January 13, 2013 at 7:24 am

    339- FW, couldn’t have said it better myself….very valid post to Memulo.



  349.  #349Mercedes on January 13, 2013 at 7:40 am

    Memulo: “Please please can it just not work out between him and that girl? Please can something just go wrong!!!!!!”

    I would love to see you spending your energy, thoughts and requests on what you want for YOU and not what bad things you want for THEM. After all, things could be falling apart for them right now and she’s on this blog wanting our input on how she can bring him closer. We’d be telling her to lean back, circular date and when he contacts her, most would say to use feeling messages. In other words, we would ask her to take her energy and focus off of him and put it on herself. πŸ™‚

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  350.  #350Mercedes on January 13, 2013 at 7:42 am

    I like this: “When you DON’T have standards, you risk letting the jerks into the bedroom. So set your standards and make sure only the REAL MEN come into your life!”

    I completely agree…know what you don’t want and stand firm in not allowing it into your life (bedroom).

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  351.  #351BeLoved on January 13, 2013 at 8:06 am

    I feel relaxed, at ease, I feel like I’ve reached another level in my being!
    A few days ago C and I were talking about my name change and how my family took it, and how I hadn’t told my father yet, because I believed he would sneer at me and it would hurt.
    Which got me to thinking about needing my father’s approval.
    Yesterday I had lunch with my family and sat across from my father and suddenly told him,
    Hey, I need to tell you, I changed my name! (I didn’t mention that it was 3 years ago, hahaha)
    He perked up, looked curious, and asked how I spell it, pronounced it a few times, sat back, smiled at me and said,
    “That’s going to take some time for me to digest.
    You know, I always believed a name is something you should enjoy. It’s your name, you have to live with it, you should enjoy it and like it and not have to cart around some name that someone gave you when you were a baby if you don’t like it. I never liked the “ie” at the end of my name, I’ve always wanted to change the spelling.”

    Really, you could have knocked me over with a feather.
    I felt a soft wave of relief pulse through me, and I could feel it ripple all through the family all the way down to the end of the table.

    THIS IS NOT THE SAME MAN who used to curse and scream at me and call me filthy names, and I am not the same little girl who used to cower and cry and punish myself for not knowing wth I did wrong.

    I didn’t even have to use an FM, because it just popped out spontaneously. I didn’t feel scared or anything.

    Even though it was a massive miracle, it felt easy and natural.

    I talked to my baby sister about visiting with her and got that our thought processes and vibes are just so vastly different that we aren’t going to just flow together the way she and my other sister do, who live in the same neighborhood, and she isn’t willing/able to put forth the effort to set aside specific time and make an invitation (we live in different cities). I felt more relief, to just get the festering “unwanted by my family” vibe out in the open and see it for what it is, we’ve just grown apart. As the oldest, they don’t see how I’ve felt responsible for them and felt loyal and tied to them, they just think differently.

    I spent some time with my nieces and grandniece, in a clear, sparkling field of peace and contentment, I felt …how to describe? Like I was at one with my environment, flowing and no resistance.

    I’m such a sucker for a challenge, I’ve heard so many spiritual people say, “Oh, you think you are SO enlightened until it’s holiday time with the family!” and I feel like a rock star, like I’ve made peace, real peace with my family.

    I feel so light, so airy, and yet so grounded.

    I talked to my dear friend in another state who keeps bees and does myco-restoration and teaches about eco-sexuality and is building community and I felt a deep longing for the pacific northwest and that kind of community again. I feel a desire to be close to her and be a part of her sacred sexuality work.

    Now I feel tired of being on the computer and am off for some yogaaaaa!!



  352.  #352Lori on January 13, 2013 at 8:08 am

    argghhhh, he hasn’t picked up the package yet. He probably won’t until tomorrow.



  353.  #353Mercedes on January 13, 2013 at 8:10 am

    BeLoved: “I feel relaxed, at ease, I feel like I’ve reached another level in my being!” YAY and YAY for not just those words but your entire comment! That was AWESOME!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  354.  #354LiliBee on January 13, 2013 at 8:55 am

    Hi Sirens!

    I haven’t posted much on here for a while, but I do come in and lurk often.

    This text made feel quite inspired for FMs. I want to share it hoping it helps you feel the same way:

    http://www.entheos.com/ideas/alan-seale/1875/speaking_the_difficult_truth?c=3673



  355.  #355Femininewoman on January 13, 2013 at 9:08 am

    Hey LiliBee thanks

    Happy New Year



  356.  #356Heart on January 13, 2013 at 9:37 am

    Hi Blog –

    I FEEL strange to be posting again..
    I feel a little..shy…hehe.
    I’m holding back from the blog because I find myself ruminating too much when I post here… I fixate too much & become too dependent.

    Anyway – CudG returned from his trip & asked me out and I had a good time. I like kissing him….and I feel good when I’m around him…

    Still…Something is different between us. I can’t put my finger on it….but the vibe is different than when we first started hanging out..before the gap.

    Oh well we’ve only now started seeing each other again. I’m keeping my expectations low and my heart open.
    I currently have a flu so we’re going to see each other again after I get better. He ended the date saying he wanted to see me again and he followed up the next day saying he had a fun etc etc.
    At least he’s acting normal now.

    All in All….I’m a little tired of talking about him…I’m interested & want to see him but…I gave him Way to much energy….I have brought the focus back to me.



  357.  #357ALA on January 13, 2013 at 10:01 am

    Day six – no contact…

    I feel a little stronger today. Feels easier when the sun is shinning. We dont see the sun here very often this time of year, and it is out today! Makes a huge difference for me.

    Happy New Year, Sirens!



  358.  #358ALA on January 13, 2013 at 10:06 am

    I’m going to run some errands in my warm and toasty Jeep(it’s freezing here!). Then going to see “Life of Pi” later. I hope it doesn’t make me cry. My sister said it made her cry, but really, really good!



  359.  #359Memulo on January 13, 2013 at 10:32 am

    Thank you FW. I decided that I want to change my attitude. I want to be happy and I am smart enough and resourceful enough to figure out the way. I will expect to win.



  360.  #360Scarlet on January 13, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    I know you ladies say that when a man pulls away to CD to feel better. I am assuming that when you’ve been in an exclusive relationship the only way to meet new men would be online. I honestly don’t know how I would do that when I’m feeling so much pain.

    I woke up this morning not wanting to get out of bed. I don’t know how I’m going to get through the day, let alone putting a profile up somewhere.

    Any other suggestions to getting through this pain?



  361.  #361Lori on January 13, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    Hi Scarlett, first, I’m so sorry for the pain you are feeling. We’ve all been there. It was difficult for me to put up profiles but I made myself do it. I created them, made them invisible, then visible again. lol

    I have been receiving emails and it really does help. Not sure I want to or am ready to meet anyone but I’m not ruling it out.

    You have to just do it. Make yourself get out of bed, take a shower, make yourself up. Do this for yourself.

    It takes time to work this through but not taking a step won’t help you go anywhere.

    (hugs)



  362.  #362Smile on January 13, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    Scarlet

    322 is my reflections of when I came to the blog nearly a year ago. I was living with strummingman in an exclusive committed relationship for 2 years when he withdrew. He elastic banded and only finally disappeared last month. It’s only the last 2 months I have been ready to go on actual dates and make a profile. Now I feel amazing!!!! Please read 322. Circular dating also does not mean you have to actually go on dates! You can start by circular dating yourself!!!



  363.  #363Smile on January 13, 2013 at 12:34 pm

    Amb cd sent me another message from his hols. Aw I love that he is thinking of me whilst he is away. I feel so smiley!



  364.  #364Smile on January 13, 2013 at 12:35 pm

    I’m 29 and I am planning my finances so that I can have an amazing travelling life now but also so that I have a good enough pension to retire early.



  365.  #365Starbright on January 13, 2013 at 12:36 pm

    Rori has different tools such as the fall on your knees. In that tool you are on your knees and feel your feelings fully whatever they are in the moment.

    They will move through you if you fully feel them. I’ve noticed that at times they come back in ebb and flow waves but it gives some relief to feel them fully and they lessen their hold.

    I’m sure others can give other tool ideas – the fall on your knees is the one that comes to me most when feeling deeply painful feelings.

    (((((Scarlet)))))



  366.  #366ALA on January 13, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    Scarlet – I’m really new at this, here’s what I’m doing:

    Be good to yourself, do things you enjoy, try to catch your thoughts when you start to go to that dark place and switch it around to something positive
    Believe in yourself!
    Slather on the love, keep slathering lol

    There’s much more, I’ll let the others chime in…



  367.  #367Smile on January 13, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    This is my all time favourite rori tool

    1. Pave Over Your Flypaper

    Pave it over with rose petals, and fairy dust, and gold dust, and soft sand from exotic beaches. Make it soft.

    Make it so a man’s footprints can be felt, and yet he can fly away and the breeze will blow more gold and fairy dust and soft sand to leave a fresh place for another man – or 100 men! – to leave more footprints…

    And… perhaps stay awhile. Or forever.

    2. Leave it up to him

    Let him choose: Stay or go.

    I know this feels totally impossible when we’re clinging to a thread of a relationship. When we want things to work out, when we want things to go the way we want them to go. When we’ve waited so long for love, and finally a man has shown up who told us he loved us. Perhaps he even promised us love.

    Yet, if you can remember this, you’ll feel SO much better and be SO much more attractive to ANY man:

    The difference between what a man says and what he does are the difference between a lifelong love partnership, and a fling.

    It doesn’t matter if the fling lasts days, weeks, months or even years (and, yes – many men are totally capable of allowing friendly “flings” to endure for years…) if it isn’t a lifelong love partnership, with all the commitment bells and whistles you desire in order to relax and feel happy, then it’s still a “fling.”

    If you’re not watching what he does, you can accidentally use my Rori Raye Tools to keep a fling going for such a long time that you may get lulled into thinking it’s going to be forever. (Yes – the Tools are THAT powerful.)

    Instead, use my Tools to bring so MANY men close to you that you NEVER feel at any one man’s mercy.

    Just because you love him and are invested in him doesn’t mean he has a claim on you UNTIL he actually claims you.

    So let HIM make the decisions about where the relationship is going. And YOU make the decisions about whether what he wants is what YOU want.

    This is where YOU get to stay or go, too. This is THE most powerful place you can come from inside yourself – the most powerful message you can deliver to a man: That you will not be trying to convince him to be with you forever.

    That, instead, you’ll trust him to make his own decisions based on how he feels and what he wants. And then you’ll see if that’s enough for you. This mental attitude can make you feel incredibly powerful and peaceful – both at the same time. Now…

    3. Put imaginary plants around your mental and emotional self

    Plants that will give you shade for your thoughts and feelings. Plants that will nurture and feed you… And most of all – plants that will invite a man to sit in the shade with you and share your bounty.

    4. Don’t ask him to “stick”

    Don’t be afraid of him going. The most attractive woman in the world is one who’s not holding on, acting like glue. The prize here is YOU – not him!

    Remember – if you’re flypaper, you’re stuck to a man, too! That means you’re stuck with the ones who aren’t filling up your needs and your heart!

    And, in case you want to hang onto your flypaper and put it in a drawer and take it out for “special occasions” and “special men” – ask yourself this:

    Why Would You Ever Even Need Flypaper?

    When a “good” man finds you – a man who’s determined to make it his life’s mission to make you ecstatically happy – you don’t NEED flypaper! He stays and sticks because he WANTS to. Because he wants YOU.

    Try this in your imagination, and see how it works magically in the real world, with a real man – no matter HOW you’re feeling right now: Change your flypaper to lovely, sweet, feeling-filled you – the way you know you are deep inside yourself when you’re happy and don’t want or need anything – and change your life.

    Do it one minute at a time. One tiny second, in fact, at a time. Practice it everywhere, and see how much calmer, sexier, simpler, and more relaxed you feel.

    To get even more Tools like this one, and watch me guiding you through them to be a real, true INVITATION to a man – so he ALWAYS wants to “stick” to you like glue without you doing anything to make it happen – check out my Modern Siren program right here:



  368.  #368Starbright on January 13, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    Scarlett – Other ideas of what to do when in pain…

    Anything that you like to do –

    Read parts of Rori’s blog that pertain to your situation
    Take a hot bath or shower
    Meditate
    Read Eckart Tolle’s: “The Power of Now”
    Clean a part of your home
    Play with a pet or go somewhere where you can if you don’t have one
    Call a friend
    Listen to music that makes you feel amazing
    Journal your feelings
    Write everything you feel thankful for to remind you that there are other good things and they can be really small things
    Look for anything that is pretty and adore it
    Hug yourself!



  369.  #369Starbright on January 13, 2013 at 12:51 pm

    Scarlett – Other ideas of what to do when in pain…

    Anything that you like to do –

    Read parts of Rori’s blog that pertain to your situation

    Take a hot bath or shower
    Meditate

    Read Eckart Tolle’s: “The Power of Now”

    Clean a part of your home

    Play with a pet or go somewhere where you can if you don’t have one

    Call a friend

    Listen to music that makes you feel amazing

    Journal your feelings

    Write everything you feel thankful for to remind you that there are other good things and they can be really small things

    Look for anything that is pretty and adore it

    Hug yourself!



  370.  #370Iamabutterfly on January 13, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    well, I feel embarrassed/angry/sad.

    Saw Jack CD for the first time in weeks.

    Didn’t feel anything. I felt so calm and at ease it was kind of weird

    Leaned back. Ended up standing right next to him in a group somehow. The kid wouldn’t even look at me.

    I walked away.

    also, SMC was staring at me again, sitting right next to his gf.

    I don’t know if this was the best route, but I sent him a fb message with the feeling message that Dominique recommended.

    I can’t handle talking to him in person…

    I’m loving my horse right now.

    I’m galloping away into the sunset, and only worthy men can get on their horses and race with me…

    I intend to win.

    With or without you.



  371.  #371Smile on January 13, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    I feel all smiley when amb cd texes me!! So I told him! And he just texes me more!



  372.  #372maxine on January 13, 2013 at 1:50 pm

    Thankyou ladies who remembered me and sent your good wishes..i feel hugged from around the world…
    Talking of Circular Dating I had a date other night with a man who was coming across very ‘ready’ for a relationship..very full on..trying to make plans with me a MONTH down the line..this might sound like heaven but I’m not in that place yet and in my time spent dating, this is the first time I’ve come across a man be like this…I kinda panicked..on the date I did all the right things like leaning back..was super cool and it was just drawing him in even more!!! then when he talked about making future plans with me I told him “I’m dating right now..how about you?” He looked shocked and said “I never thought a woman would tell me that!!!” and he asked what did I mean by ‘dating’ so I told him the truth: I’m dating 2 people at the moment..seeing what happens”
    It was an eye opener as after this the conversation became about ME and my dating and he gave me vibes of being controlling and trying to convince me..I was like woah!! So all Roris tools for this stuff were great cause in telling the truth..I got the truth back..in a way..because his true nature came out which made me run a mile..I didn’t see him again haha



  373.  #373maxine on January 13, 2013 at 1:53 pm

    Thankyou ladies who remembered me and sent your good wishes..i feel hugged from around the world…
    Talking of Circular Dating I had a date other night with a man who was coming across very ‘ready’ for a relationship..very full on..trying to make plans with me a MONTH down the line..this might sound like heaven but I’m not in that place yet and in my time spent dating, this is the first time I’ve come across a man be like this…I kinda panicked..on the date I did all the right things like leaning back..was super cool and it was just drawing him in even more!!! then when he talked about making future plans with me I told him “I’m dating right now..how about you?” He looked shocked and said “I never thought a woman would tell me that!!!” and he asked what did I mean by ‘dating’ so I told him the truth: I’m dating 2 people at the moment..seeing what happens”
    It was an eye opener as after this the conversation became about ME and my dating and he gave me vibes of being controlling and trying to convince me..I was like woah!! So all Roris tools for this stuff were great cause in telling the truth..I got the truth back..in a way..because his true nature came out which made me run a mile..I didn’t see him again haha7



  374.  #374Daria on January 13, 2013 at 1:59 pm

    My CD is coming at 3… More sushi!



  375.  #375k2012 on January 13, 2013 at 2:52 pm

    Ladies, I am working and talking to overseas cd. Is it okay if I ask him if he is dating/seeing someone? I just want to be sure. U see these are early days and as I keep saying he is the first candidate as there will definitely be others. But is it okay if I ask him although he told me he is divorced and “by himself for three years.” Don’t think I am anxious. I will leave everything to him. No chasing on my part, no phonecalls etc as I am going to have OPTIONS ladies (snapping my fingers, lol.). Waiting to hear from u. Dominique, Mercedes, and other ladies, waiting to hear from u all.



  376.  #376Indigo on January 13, 2013 at 2:52 pm

    Scarlet 358

    How I got through the worst of the pain was just to completely let go of what other people said I “should” be doing, and to ask myself in every single moment what the most loving thing I could do for myself was.

    My soul came up with beautiful, simple suggestions: take a slow walk in nature, have a long bubble bath, put on a DVD that I love, take a soothing nap, put on some favourite songs, take a drive out to the farm to visit the horses and spend a few hours in their relaxing energy. Have a little cry and then praise myself for feeling my emotions and then move forward. These are things which felt good to me, but it could be anything for you.

    I believe it’s lots of little healing, feel-good moments that lead you to the light. And then, when you feel strong enough, you can start accepting invitations to go out with guys.

    I know it feels dark now, but I bet you will feel the sun shining on your face before you even thought you would πŸ™‚



  377.  #377Smile on January 13, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    Wow, I thought I had scared dog cd off! Sharing my wants… It was an experiment to speak my truth. He still wants to meet. He had just been away for a day.

    I felt a bit relieved actually, I’m feeling more uncomfortable with Circular dating as amb cd steps up a little more.

    Eek at least dog cd knows my wants. So now I have 4 guys!!!

    What on earth am I playing at!!! Help me someone please!



  378.  #378Smile on January 13, 2013 at 3:00 pm

    K2012 can you see it as practise. Ask away and see the reaction? I’ve been surprised. I’ve taken different approaches with each guy. Kind of exploring.



  379.  #379Smile on January 13, 2013 at 3:00 pm

    I AM THE PRIZE!!!!



  380.  #380Memulo on January 13, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    K2012, if you want to know, why not to ask?



  381.  #381Dominique on January 13, 2013 at 3:16 pm

    k2012 – 370 – No please. It’s too soon, and he’s not even there in front of you. Even if things become more serious, this isn’t something to ask. If he’s the man for you, he wouldn’t even consider dating others, and if he’s not he man for you, it will come out sooner or later on its own, no help from you. And likely sooner.

    xxoo



  382.  #382Dominique on January 13, 2013 at 3:18 pm

    Plus you can’t be sue about anything. He might tell you anything you want to hear, and until he’s there with you, in front of you, able to see what his actions are, if they match his words, you will likely still be wondering.

    xxoo



  383.  #383Tam on January 13, 2013 at 4:01 pm

    377…Dominique, good point.

    Pffff…I still feel in two minds about Curly and it is starting to drive me insane. How long will this go on for? I just don’t feel like I am able to commit to him, yet or ever. Yet he makes me feel so great and is sooo good for me and to me. So affectionate and proud to be with me. But I am still a sceptic. We are cooking together tonight and I wonder ‘will he turn up stoned again?’ and I feel on edge.

    Today we met an ex of his from a decade ago, very classy and nice lady – but she still has the hots for him and they never even had a relationship or sex or anything. She came and pushed her number on him and said ‘I am only in town for a week’ – she said it twice, and might as well have said ‘call me call me’. I felt bad and at the same time knew that he wouldn’t meet her and that I can trust him.
    He even asked me whether he should delete her number, as he didn’t want to be impolite but if it bothered me he’d just get rid of it. I said ‘no it’s ok’ and for him just to think about how he would feel if I was to take the number of an ex in front of his nose. And he countered by saying that last night I met a male friend and he never gave me any trouble, but that he didn’t like that either. Fair enough.
    Pffff..this dating/relationship thing is so complicated.
    I just loved my single life, I guess???
    No complications..haha.



  384.  #384Tam on January 13, 2013 at 4:07 pm

    4 guys Smile, you are rocking this. I don’t think you need help, you seem to be navigating this swimmingly!!
    Look at me, I have 1 1/2 CD’s, and I can’t heck it.
    Hahahahaaaaaaaa.
    Talking of which, I was sitting on the beach and SurferCD from weeks ago runs by….while I sit there canoodling with Curly and his doggie. Surfer CD shouts: Hiiiiii Tam!!!!!!!
    Curly looks at him, this big, muscle and obviously much younger man than him (phwoarrrr Surfer looked soooo hot!!!!) and Curly goes ‘oh, I want to shake his hand for obviously doing the wrong thing and not managing to get you. Whatever he did wrong, I just want to thank the guy’.
    Very funny, he is so full of confidence and did NOT feel threatened.
    Me, on the other hand, if this perfect woman had skipped by and done that, I’d have felt threatened probably.
    I felt kind of happy that Curly saw I had a hot young and muscly man after me…haha. Especially as we keep bumping into his ‘female friends’..there we bumped into my male friend..hehe.



  385.  #385MovingMagic on January 13, 2013 at 4:32 pm

    Meeting Jitsu cd tonight. I’m going to focus on leaning back, and staying present.



  386.  #386BeLoved on January 13, 2013 at 5:02 pm

    I’m feeling curious and wondering about men/manboys.

    I’ve been thinking about C off and on, and how K at work gets him to do so many things because he’s like a son to her – the other day when I was in the room she handed him her car keys and said, ‘make mama happy baby, and go get my car started so it can be warm when I get out there’. He was SO happy to do it, and I felt weird because I never asked anything like that of my son (not a good thing, I babied him, I had no good male or mother models to go by) AND, because she just said it so naturally, like she had every right in the world to ask him and
    he responded so positively.

    I don’t want to treat him like he’s a son
    but it got my mind going and wondering, between him and the interaction with the vendor telling me I was wrong for expecting something unspoken, whether it’s ME who isn’t being clear.
    Am I supposed to be saying to a man,
    Hey, leave your frigging gf, finalize your divorce and let’s just get married already? I need plane tickets to OR for June, here’s my ID info, handle this and don’t let me down?

    In my mind it seems like…sure, just say all of that.
    But once I type it out, it’s like…that don’t make no sense πŸ™‚

    Isn’t a grownup man going to ask what he can do for me, and look for ways to help me (not to mention be available)?

    I think my mind got warped somewhere because I found some old emails from 2006 where I was asking B, my business partner and fiance, to do this and that and the other kind of thing, like, make a bank run and pay this bill and generally take care of stuff.
    After him I started dating T, which was like driving uphill with the brakes on, NOTHING ever got accomplished and I think I just gave up asking for or expecting anything.

    The *right* guy is going to be easy, right? I’m not going to have to spell out everything and have to ask for basic things like, don’t be married and have a gf. Hey, instead of spending $4,000 on tires for one of your 13 cars, how about putting me through midwifery school, etc.

    Right?

    Like, I didn’t miss out on true love and something awesome by not telling C I wanted him to finish up his divorce and not have a gf.
    Something inside of me is telling me, it’s my fault for not speaking up and saying what I wanted, that if I had just done that then things would be different.
    But I think if I had done that, then I would have either opened myself up to a whole new world of pain of disappointment and loss of self-respect, or ended up with a manboy who needs a strong mama to tell him what to do.

    I embarrassed, like this should be obvious
    but I feel uncertain and wonder what y’all think.



  387.  #387Annie on January 13, 2013 at 5:12 pm

    358: Scarlet says:

    “I know you ladies say that when a man pulls away to CD to feel better. I am assuming that when you’ve been in an exclusive relationship the only way to meet new men would be online. I honestly don’t know how I would do that when I’m feeling so much pain.

    I woke up this morning not wanting to get out of bed. I don’t know how I’m going to get through the day, let alone putting a profile up somewhere.

    Any other suggestions to getting through this pain?”

    Put your hand over you heart, feel the heartbreak of having no control over others unloving actions towards you, cry let it go. Hopefully afterwards you will feel a little lighter and then know what you do have control over is your own loving actions in the best way to take care of yourself and then treat yourself, compassionately and very gently. make yourself healthy food, sleep when you need to, take a quiet walk, bubble baths, anything that makes you feel better and cared for. The tears may come and go but hopefully get lighter each time. X Hugs



  388.  #388k2012 on January 13, 2013 at 5:25 pm

    Feminine woman, I just saw your post about talking about an ex. Overseas cd was the one who asked me about my previous relationship. Most men and women as well ask about your previous relationship. I told him that I had just ended a relationship last july. He asked what happened and I told him the guy disappeared on me. He said “what u mean disappeared on you?”, so I told him the story and he said that it was “his loss” that is disappearing ex. Of course now, I won’t be talking about him (disappearing ex) to overseas cd again. Overseas cd would be shocked if he knew it was who as we are all schoolmates. Thanks for advice on the last question ladies. Dominique, I will take your advice. I won’t ask him yet. Mark u (as my dad would say) he said he was divorced and by himself for 3 years but that doesn’t mean that he isn’t dating someone so I will be cautious and just take it easy, date other people and just kick back and watch to see who is going to step up to the Prestigious position of being my boyfriend and later husband. What a day that will be when I finally find the man of my dreams. I really look forward to that day when I find a wonderful gentleman who will be the love of my life. He will be lucky to find me.



  389.  #389Lori on January 13, 2013 at 5:28 pm

    Fourth day of leaning back and no contact. Last contact was Weds morning. He hasn’t picked up the package/blanket yet. I was hoping he would but figured he wouldn’t get to it until Monday.

    I’m thinking he will pick it up and call me tomorrow. I really miss him a lot.



  390.  #390Dominique on January 13, 2013 at 5:44 pm

    BeLoved – 381 – None of this is obvious, and most of us are not told how to BE let alone BE in a relationship.

    It’s all a learning and growing process, and that you’re here, puts you way ahead of so many others though I don’t like to say this, for we are all on our paths, and people and things come to us at just the right time, FOR YOU.

    xxoo



  391.  #391k2012 on January 13, 2013 at 6:14 pm

    “The tears may come and go but hopefully get lighter each time.” Scarlet, Annie gave u some good advice. Out of all that she said, this statement hit me. As someone who has experienced breakup 6 months ago, I am here to tell u that this statement is so true. In my experience, I stopped crying in October. The breakup was in July. It does get better, I promise u. How long since u and your guy has broke up?



  392.  #392Butterfly Wings on January 13, 2013 at 6:28 pm

    381: BeLoved – Men will do what they think they need to do to keep you (if they’re into you of course), although they might sometimes get it wrong.

    My ex hubby cheated on his gf. It was a stupid thing, and I KNOW there was nothing meant by it (as he’d done exactly the same thing to me), but of course it devastated her (as it did me).

    So he did EVERYTHING it took to win her back, including cancelling his FB account (where he was chatting online to these women), asking me for a divorce (I was more than happy to oblige), and proposing to her. They’re getting married in April.

    I’m not sure he would have acted so fast in proposing etc if this hadn’t happened, but he knew what she wanted, and he knew that if he had any chance of keeping her after what he’d done, he had to do it.



  393.  #393Butterfly Wings on January 13, 2013 at 7:01 pm

    I told Mr Italian last night that it just wasn’t going to happen with us, after I received a text yesterday from him wanting to see me. I could definitely use him for sexual pleasure, but the sex wasn’t even that great! It was ok, and it scratched the “itch”, but nothing like with J or S, where there was an emotional connection too. I’m going to be sexually exclusive with S anyway, and Mr Italian, well sex is all he wanted so there’s no point! lol

    Also, I told J last Tuesday night that we should cut all contact while he tries to sort out his relationship with his gf that he went back to. He was texting me daily, telling me how torn he felt. He loved her, but he was extremely attracted to me, and like me, he also felt this intense attraction. Argh!

    He’d also offered to come and look after me (cook me dinner) after my operation last Thursday and while I was originally open to it, I realised that I would REALLY hate it if I were in his gf’s shoes. It just didn’t feel right.

    He told me he understood, then went on to tell me how wonderful I am. Then I received a text from him Saturday, asking how I was. He’s such a sweet guy, but if I’m realistic, I know it would never have worked, with or without him going back to his gf – he’s just way too young and he wants kids.

    I’m glad it ended so positively though and I know I’ll be happy to see him if I happen to bump into him in the street (which is highly likely).

    Then there’s D. We used to work together, and when I was having trouble with TH (which was often), he was there for me. He would take me to dinner and we would walk along the river holding hands afterwards, he would show me the affection I craved, and tell me how beautiful and wonderful I was and how I deserved better.

    He knows about S, and was telling me the other night that he has missed out again. I told him he needs to move faster! lol

    He will stick around, maybe hanging on the sideline, waiting for me to stop seeing S so he can make his move – I’m sure of it! Plus we’ll keep in contact via FB anyway. He called me on Friday night to invite me over, but I said no.

    Then there’s S. He’s not normally the type I go for (I normally go for men who treat me like cr@p!), but there’s something I really like about him, even though there wasn’t “that” much attraction at first. But it’s growing every day.

    I know that in his eyes, I am definitely the prize. He was telling me that he had to keep pinching himself because he couldn’t believe he was out with me, let alone KISSING me! He’s great in bed too! hehe! I just love that he sees ME as the prize, which is kind of new for me. J treated me as though I was the prize too… πŸ™‚

    I have dinner plans with Mr Lawyer next week, and I’m going to have to make it VERY clear beforehand that I’m sexually exclusive with S (he knows about S), so I will do dinner, but that’s all! He may change his mind about dinner with that news, but I’m ok with that.

    Gee life’s busy, but after ditching TH, things have improved in the most unblievable way! πŸ™‚



  394.  #394Butterfly Wings on January 13, 2013 at 7:01 pm

    I told Mr Italian last night that it just wasn’t going to happen with us, after I received a text yesterday from him wanting to see me. I could definitely use him for sexual pleasure, but the sex wasn’t even that great! It was ok, and it scratched the “itch”, but nothing like with J or S, where there was an emotional connection too. I’m going to be sexually exclusive with S anyway, and Mr Italian, well sex is all he wanted so there’s no point! lol

    Also, I told J last Tuesday night that we should cut all contact while he tries to sort out his relationship with his gf that he went back to. He was texting me daily, telling me how torn he felt. He loved her, but he was extremely attracted to me, and like me, he also felt this intense attraction. Argh!

    He’d also offered to come and look after me (cook me dinner) after my operation last Thursday and while I was originally open to it, I realised that I would REALLY hate it if I were in his gf’s shoes. It just didn’t feel right.

    He told me he understood, then went on to tell me how wonderful I am. Then I received a text from him Saturday, asking how I was. He’s such a sweet guy, but if I’m realistic, I know it would never have worked, with or without him going back to his gf – he’s just way too young and he wants kids.

    I’m glad it ended so positively though and I know I’ll be happy to see him if I happen to bump into him in the street (which is highly likely).

    Then there’s D. We used to work together, and when I was having trouble with TH (which was often), he was there for me. He would take me to dinner and we would walk along the river holding hands afterwards, he would show me the affection I craved, and tell me how beautiful and wonderful I was and how I deserved better.

    He knows about S, and was telling me the other night that he has missed out again. I told him he needs to move faster! lol

    He will stick around, maybe hanging on the sideline, waiting for me to stop seeing S so he can make his move – I’m sure of it! Plus we’ll keep in contact via FB anyway. He called me on Friday night to invite me over, but I said no.

    Then there’s S. He’s not normally the type I go for (I normally go for men who treat me like cr@p!), but there’s something I really like about him, even though there wasn’t “that” much attraction at first. But it’s growing every day.

    I know that in his eyes, I am definitely the prize. He was telling me that he had to keep pinching himself because he couldn’t believe he was out with me, let alone KISSING me! He’s great in bed too! hehe! I just love that he sees ME as the prize, which is kind of new for me. J treated me as though I was the prize too… πŸ™‚

    I have dinner plans with Mr Lawyer next week, and I’m going to have to make it VERY clear beforehand that I’m sexually exclusive with S (he knows about S), so I will do dinner, but that’s all! He may change his mind about dinner with that news, but I’m ok with that.

    Gee life’s busy, but after ditching TH, things have improved in the most unblievable way! πŸ™‚



  395.  #395Butterfly Wings on January 13, 2013 at 7:02 pm

    Oops double post!



  396.  #396BeLoved on January 13, 2013 at 7:11 pm

    Thanks for the perspective, BW.

    One thing I know, is that if it’s meant to be, nothing on G0d’s green earth could stop it (I mostly know this, I have been oscillating) so
    I’m saying this mostly for my own benefit, to keep hearing and reminding myself that
    all I have to do is stay on my horse
    focus on my own life
    make choices that are right for me
    feel my feelings
    everything will work out one way or another.

    Tonight I took a cue from Annie (yet again!) and had my hand on my heart, feeling the pain of betraying myself and another woman.
    I kept telling myself that if I were with C, I wouldn’t want him to stop being so flirtatious and affectionate, that it’s part of who he is and something I’ve come to appreciate in open/poly relationships
    but he is probably showing each of us very different sides of himself (I feel sick)
    and
    she is not me, she thinks differently from me,
    they don’t have the same agreements I would have.

    And really, none of that even matters if I simply focus on what is appropriate for ME at my JOB.

    Without a lot of affection at work, I’m left with the painful reality of being very underemployed, unappreciated, severely underutilized, and lonely with very little meaningful engagement with others and a feeling of helplessness about how to get out of the hole.

    If I moved back to the PNW, I’d have more compatible, heart-centered community although I don’t know if there is a market for the kind of dream playshops that I’m creating, since the consciousness is different there. I feel like it would be easier to relax and form better ties than before because I’d be committed and have cleared out so much of my family-of-origin karma.

    Now that not only do I know I don’t need, but somehow actually HAVE, my father’s approval…it’s like…whoa…what now?
    What else is possible?



  397.  #397Butterfly Wings on January 13, 2013 at 7:25 pm

    Here’s something that Mr Lawyer told me that makes it VERY clear to me why CDing really is a great thing…

    Have you ever decided to buy a specific brand of car (or something else), then all of a sudden, you’re seeing it everywhere??

    That’s because before you wanted THAT car, they were always there, but your mind was automatically filtering any images of it out, so you never noticed them. But when you decided on the exact brand you wanted, your mental filters allowed you to see them and you would see the same brand of car whenever you were out and about.

    The same goes with relationships…

    Before I met J, I was used to having men in my life who either abused me, cheated on me, showed me no affection, and basically treated me like cr@p.

    Then I met J (thanks to NWG!), who treated me as though I was the prize, and acted as though he was the luckiest man alive to be with me. He was affectionate, and he had no hesitation in telling me how hot and wonderful I was, and I felt amazing in his presence. This was all VERY new to me but I loved every second of it.

    So when he went back to his girlfriend (long story that one), something snapped in me. I spent an entire day crying, even though we’d only just met. I felt this intense sense of loss. But it wasn’t J that I felt the loss of – it was the attention, the affection and the words that had been coming at me from him, and the feeling I had when I was around him. I wanted to feel like that again!

    And THAT was the type of man I wanted. I wanted a man who treated me that way.

    Until I met J, I didn’t know what it felt like to have a man who treated me that way. But now I did, because I was open to meeting new men, and he was one of them.

    Mr Lawyer told me that now that I knew what I wanted, my filters were now down and that I would now be able to attract and see men who had those attributes that I was looking for.

    Until J, I had no clue what those attributes were, or what i felt like to be with a man who had those, so my filters were not allowing me to see these men.

    A few days later, Mr Italian contacted me again, wanting to see me, and he showed me that he definitely did NOT meet my new criteria. I felt so disappointed, but also VERY sure that he was not the man for me. I have J to thank for that, for showing me what I DID want.

    Then a week later, S came into my life, and while the intense attraction wasn’t there at first, he definitely had the same attributes as J. Wow!

    I feel amazing in his presence, I feel like I am the prize, I feel happy when I’m with him, and most importantly, he makes me laugh!

    Plus he has NO other women in his life. No ex gf’s about to try to win him back, nobody he likes to visit overseas, telling me they’re “just friends” when they’re clearly not (good one TH!), and I feel 100% safe with him.

    CDing has allowed me to meet and weed out any men that do not meet my criteria. I can definitely see a future with S, although I’m trying hard not to jump too much ahead of myself. But right now, he’s looking exactly like what I want, and I know that he is still in happy disbelief about how he ended up with me! Yay!



  398.  #398Butterfly Wings on January 13, 2013 at 7:26 pm

    Yep, stay on that horse Beloved. Best place to be.

    xxx



  399.  #399Scarlet on January 13, 2013 at 7:47 pm

    K2102
    We havent ‘broken up’. He has disappeared. Not answering my calls for 5 days. After spending over 3 weeks of seeing each other every day, this feels awful that he does not want to talk to me. He has done this before when he had substance abuse problems. I dont know whats going on but he has hurt me terribly because that was never going to happen again.



  400.  #400Scarlet on January 13, 2013 at 7:54 pm

    Sorry K2012, I got your name wrong.
    I want to thank all you ladies for your advice and support. What I have taken from it all is to feel my pain and nurture myself as best I can. That is all I have control over.



  401.  #401Butterfly Wings on January 13, 2013 at 7:57 pm

    (((Scarlet))) some of these men just don’t deserve us. xxx



  402.  #402k2012 on January 13, 2013 at 8:48 pm

    392- Butterfly Wings-“CDing has allowed me to meet and weed out any men that do not meet my criteria”. Thanks for saying this. Your life sounds very interesting and some parts of your story made me crack up. That’s why I am so eager to get out there so I can start making comparisons with Overseas CD. Don’t want to focus on one person at all. No way. Not yet anyway. Scarlet, we are here for u? How many times has your boyfriend disappear? I don’t know if I ever said it on here, oh yes I did-that my disappearing ex disappeared about 3 times before his final disappearance. One time he disappeared for a week. Man I nearly freak out. The first 2 times, it was just for a few days but the third time it was for a week, can u imagine that. Then reappeared with a story about the phone drooping. He dropped the phone. The first time I believed him, the second time I started wondering and the third time I ask him straight up if there was someone else. Of course the answer was no. When he disappeared the day after he came to my house where he was supposed to stay, after 2 days without hearing from him, I knew this was the final disappearance? How many times has he disappeared before?



  403.  #403k2012 on January 13, 2013 at 9:14 pm

    Ok. There is an update about disappearing ex. I spoke to my sister last night. She said she called him cause originally she had his name on her CV as reference. Shortly after he disappeared, she called him to let him know that he should expect calls from prospective employers as she was job hunting. He was a reference, she was calling him for business purposes, but he apparently thought (I know he would) that my sister was calling him re his disappearance so at that time, he didn’t answer. Even when my sis left a message, she got no response from him so my sis said she was going to take off his name. She stopped job hunting as she is also going to school and so she didn’t take off his name. She has started jobhunting again so since the name wasn’t taken off, she called him. He answered quite alright she said. She said he answered alright cause him friend her up-remember he called twice and sent christmas greetings. He was trying to friend me up too by wishing me happy birthday. I did well not to answer him. Both my sisters and my parents as well as hairdresser/relationship counsellor and an overseas friend applauded me for ignoring him. Not to mention when I purposely went through every single one of my birthday comments and clicked like and didn’t click his. And to top it off, I deleted the bastard from my page. He is so coward, he called twice and hung up before I answered. And my sister overseas hasn’t said a word to him and he is not hearing from me as hairdresser commented. He doesn’t even have any shame. Some guys would never even think of calling their ex’s sister whether they expect a tongue lashing or not. He told my sister that he was in another state at his sister’s house re some situation(can’t say here ) with the neighbour. My sister said to me,that if he is speaking the truth. The phone dropping story started when he started spending a lot at the sister’s house, so I figured he found someone in that state. I am so glad hairdresser told me the full story with him. Old player. Later for him. Old bastard.



  404.  #404Indigo on January 13, 2013 at 9:30 pm

    k2012 370

    I feel in agreement with Dominique. I absolutely would not ask this, especially if you are just chatting online.



  405.  #405k2012 on January 13, 2013 at 9:40 pm

    Yes indigo, I have decided as I mentioned earlier that I am not going to ask him. I hope he isd speaking the truth though as he seems interested in me and I am interested in him, my interest has started to grow. I just need to hurry and meet other men too so I can compare like Butterfly wings. He said he is ‘by himself for three years’ which strongly suggest that he is single. So even if he is dating, he probably say he is single as he is probably not in a serious committed relationship.



  406.  #406Indigo on January 13, 2013 at 9:46 pm

    I have woken up every morning for the last 2 weeks or so with the most beautiful feeling. It feels like a flower blooming in my chest.

    It feels as if it comes from D, and from a strange kind of happiness that I feel from him, and then I think maybe I am focusing on him too much, but I feel happy.

    I leaned forward last night… yes, I know, I know. For the first time in 2 weeks. He had skyped me in the morning. And I called him, and I asked him if he wanted to watch one of our favourite shows.

    And we did. And he was sweet to me. Hugging and kissing and stroking me, he bought me an ice cream milkshake thingy when he went out to get dinner.

    And I let it go, the whole evening, as soon as I left. I felt no pain, no disappointment, no tumbled up feelings inside, I just let it go.

    And I asked him, while I was there, I couldn’t help myself, whether there was potential for him and me. And he said yes, but months or years down the road. He said he needs to take a breather and just take stock, and he thinks this would be good for me too.

    So I dropped it, left it at that, and we snuggled till midnight, and then I went home.

    I don’t want to be confused about this. And for the first time, I feel clear. Things don’t feel hard, they feel easy. I don’t have all the answers, but I am on my horse, and we are walking gently forward.



  407.  #407Lori on January 13, 2013 at 9:48 pm

    Indigo, that’s so great and gives me hope. Thanks for sharing.



  408.  #408Butterfly Wings on January 13, 2013 at 9:53 pm

    K2012 – it certainly helps to give someone to compare to. I may have possibly pursued something with Mr Italian if I didn’t have J or S to compare him to. The thought of that is frightening! lol

    That’s because he just does not come close to either of them! He’s a nice guy and all, but the other two were all about me. Mr Italian was all about himself. Quite an interesting comparison… πŸ™‚

    And parts of my story crack me up too! I should sooo write a book about my experiences over the last two years…! πŸ˜‰



  409.  #409Butterfly Wings on January 13, 2013 at 9:58 pm

    Oh nice Indigo! That feels good to read. πŸ™‚



  410.  #410k2012 on January 13, 2013 at 10:07 pm

    Yes Butterflywings, we are all here to help each other. I will continue to ask u guys to guide me. Yes man, comparison is good. Sometimes I wonder if it would feel silly to go out by myself to nice place. One of my girlfriends and I are supposed to go out but since returning to work (we are in the same profession), we have been real busy. I really hope we can go next week Saturday.



  411.  #411k2012 on January 13, 2013 at 10:51 pm

    “The difference between what a man says and what he does are the difference between a lifelong love partnership, and a fling.” Woo! I love this. Smile, thanks for posting this lovely tool from Rori. I think I read something like this already. When I read it, I wanted to scream. As we would say in my country,”pram pram” (meaning we are in strong support of something. This is an excellent tool. I am going to copy and post it right now.



  412.  #412k2012 on January 13, 2013 at 11:03 pm

    “The prize here is YOU – not him!”. Indeed. I need to remember that. After all. I am the prize, yes. Pure Gold.



  413.  #413janie baby on January 13, 2013 at 11:28 pm

    K, I feel curious from your comment about your country!
    Where are you from?



  414.  #414janie baby on January 14, 2013 at 12:10 am

    I’ve noticed a cycle in my way of thinking. I feel anxious just acting natural and being excited when he calls me. i feel like I have to act hard to get like not answre his calls and reschedule plans for next time to get him interested so he doesn’t think I’ll be tehre at the flick of a button.
    Yesterday I saw him and we went to the neighborhood where he was supposed to work at night to eat lunch. The beginning was fun but he wanted to go watch a football game at the bar where he was working at later and he wanted me to come with him. I’m not into sports but I hadn’t really watched a full game so I said sure. I started feeling really bored and feeling kind of ignored and sensitive. Then, I started doubting everything and that we slept together the day before. I got nervous so I started acting kind of cranky and I got annoyed cause he kept saying I could leave if I wanted to. I was tired and didn’t feel like walking through the cold to the bus stop but felt really bored there. I feel proud though at myself and like healing is happening though because usually I would have reacted way more emotionally wanting a reaction, but this time I was more aware of myself and checking in with me. At the end of the game we had ten minutes until he actually had to work, and I said I wanted tea and he said he’d go with me but I guess I was being kind of whiny and so he said “you’re starting to piss me off” and i just got so annoyed and didn’t like being scolded so i just said “i’m not having fun with you so I’m gonna go” and I just left. Usually I would have thrown a tantrum or try to make it better but I just left. And then felt soooo good on my own!!! Then he called me three times and asked me to let him know when I got on the bus safe. I said “ok” Later he texted me asking if I was still mad and I told him I felt annoyed and disconnected earlier but I was happy cause I was in bed..It was a weird text exchange but it ended on a good note.

    I feel weird.
    He didn’t call me today.
    He kept introducing me as his girlfriend to people yesterday except I’ve told him I don’t want to be his girlfriend until he treats me like HIS girlfriend…so now I feel a little trapped.
    I feel like he should be wanting to hang out more with me.
    I feel the expectations rising.
    I felt like he should have asked me to hang out tomorrow night.
    He hasn’t so I think I’m just gonna hang out with my girl friend and let him struggle to make the plans.
    I find myself feeling anxious about trying to be available for him because I find myslef having expectations like “in a relationship, the couple should see each other atleast 3/4/5 times a week” If I don’t see him by tuesday we will have only seen each other 2 times this week. I don’t like being so nit picky I want to focus on the moment and have fun.
    I’m just worried because I love the flypaper tool of Rori’s but she says you can keep a fling going on forever if you’re not aware. How do I keep the awareness? Do I create a time limit in my head of when he has to step up by?
    I feel confused.
    I would appreciate some clarification.
    Hmmmm
    Confusiioon



  415.  #415Vi on January 14, 2013 at 12:16 am

    I feel unsafe to be soft and open with MH, I am unused to be that way with my family members. I feel panic and tight in my tummy. And I feel tight in my chest too and I feel my back humping. I love my fears. I love my panic. I love love my tummy. I love my shoulders I love my shoulders humping. I love their protection. Thank you shoulders for your protection, i feel cared and loved by you. Thank you Thank you Thank you! Thank you for doing your best to keep my heart safe. And it’s okay to relax now. And I won’t beat myself up by no means, I promise!



  416.  #416janie baby on January 14, 2013 at 12:19 am

    ((Vi))



  417.  #417janie baby on January 14, 2013 at 12:54 am

    I keep refreshing the page hehe. I can’t sleep.



  418.  #418janie baby on January 14, 2013 at 1:19 am

    I guess I leaned forward.
    I just want to treat him how I used to when we were best friends
    so I texted him saying
    “I want eggs benedict!!” lol because I’m feeling very playful and extremely hungry and he just called me and said he’s thinking bout me and asked me what I was doing tomorrow I said during the day I was busy but free at night and he said he’d come over to watch a movie and we’d go get dinner.
    I kind of wanted to be busy at night too to play hard to get but I authentically want to see him and get dinner πŸ™‚
    When people wake up though, I’d really appreciate input about my question about Rori’s flypaper tool and how she tlaks about keeping a fling going on forever.

    I FEEL SO hungry.
    I had a big lunch and very late so didn’t really eat a huge dinner, and I have nothing really in my fridge except for lettuce and cheese. Maybe I’ll eat some cheese… hehehehe



  419.  #419janie baby on January 14, 2013 at 1:21 am

    aww and he told me he feels depressed cause he doesn’t know what he is going to do in life. he just graduated and wants to go to law school eventually but needs a goood job in the mean time right now.
    I feel bad. I feel like I’m reallly pressuring him.I want to be there for him as a friend. I feel bad for him. He seems anxious.



  420.  #420Vi on January 14, 2013 at 1:43 am

    Thank you for hugs Janie Baby! πŸ™‚



  421.  #421janie baby on January 14, 2013 at 1:45 am

    Vi I listened to a meditation by Gabrielle Bernstein today “Releasing Romantic Illusions” it’s on itunes for free. It’s so good and made me feel relaxed! It’s only 8 minutes long. Maybe you’d like it!



  422.  #422Butterfly Wings on January 14, 2013 at 1:52 am

    janie baby, are you CDing?



  423.  #423Butterfly Wings on January 14, 2013 at 1:55 am

    S came over today to pick up some boxes for his move. I introduced him to one of my daughters, then when she went back upstairs we kind of made out in the laundry! lol

    He was saying how tempted he was to rip all my clothes off and take me right there in the adjoining storeroom. HOT! haha!

    When we can finally sleep together again (it’s been 2 weeks since the last time), it’s going to be pretty wild! Although he’s very tentative about my new b00bs and oh so very gentle! πŸ˜‰

    I feel so happy when I’m with him. So very, very happy.

    THIS is what it’s like to feel good in a man’s presence. It’s been so long since I felt his way but I’m so glad I’m feeling it now. πŸ™‚



  424.  #424janie baby on January 14, 2013 at 2:03 am

    BW,
    laundry room sounds fun!! hehe

    and noo not really. I’m not looking for marriage right now and I don’t really feel like online dating yet.
    My heart is open to other men, but don’t want to date anyone else unless I develop a friendship first.

    I guess I’m trying to CD myself by filling my life with lovely things and lots of love and friends for now!



  425.  #425Vi on January 14, 2013 at 2:11 am

    Janie Baby thanks, I ‘ll check it out! πŸ™‚



  426.  #426Butterfly Wings on January 14, 2013 at 2:41 am

    419: janie baby – It’s a big laundry room too!

    I was never interested in the online dating, and since ending it with TH, I was really just socialising with people from work. So not dating as such.

    I met Mr Italian while out with the boys from work, then NWG from work introduced me to his friend.

    Then S popped back into my life after 2 years, out of the blue.

    Plus I had other “admirers” I guess, including Mr Lawyer who I’ve known for almost 7 years.

    So no actual going on “dates” with most of them, but rather just having them in my life and chatting to them via text and online etc. It’s really helped with my vibe, that’s for sure.

    Especially on Xmas day when I hadn’t heard from J. I did hear from Mr Italian, so while I wasn’t attracted to him as such, it was still nice to receive the male attention. πŸ™‚



  427.  #427Butterfly Wings on January 14, 2013 at 2:49 am

    Mr Lawyer arranged for some potions to be posted to me to help with the scarring from my operation. When I opened the package, he’s also included all of these other potions for me! Haha!

    He wants to take me to dinner on the 23rd of this month, although I’m pretty sure he wants more than just dinner! Argh! Will have to have a chat to him about what I plan to do where S is concerned I guess. He knows all about S – I’ve been babbling about him for two weeks! πŸ˜€

    Still nice of him to have it sent to me though. πŸ™‚



  428.  #428Indigo on January 14, 2013 at 3:23 am

    Thank you Lori and Butterfly Wings πŸ™‚

    The other thing he said last night which made me happy was he said he thought there was a one in a million chance of him sleeping with someone else but he doesn’t want to make me any promises.

    I can’t really explain why I feel so happy but I do. And calm. Things which I stressed and agonised over before, I worry about for a minute and then let go.

    It is like I said, like a big flower blooming inside my chest.



  429.  #429Indigo on January 14, 2013 at 3:28 am

    ((((janie baby))))

    Butterfly Wings made a good suggestion: are you circular dating? Hanging out with other guys and accepting coffee and lunch dates etc. will alleviate a lot of the anxiety you are feeling right now, and will help you to be a lot less hung up on whether you see him 3, 4 or 5 times a week.



  430.  #430Butterfly Wings on January 14, 2013 at 3:36 am

    I just told Mr Lawyer that we will not be sleeping with each other, and he’s fine with it and told me he was expecting it after all I’ve told him about S.

    He also told me that if things don’t work with S, then to give him a call! Oh well, at least I have a Plan B if I should ever need one! πŸ˜‰



  431.  #431Tam on January 14, 2013 at 5:23 am

    Oh why do I sabotage so much. I needn’t have worried, had a lovely evening with Curly cooking, eating and chatting, super relaxed and just great.
    It would feel great if I could just generally relax and enjoy this for now. I am getting there!



  432.  #432Heart on January 14, 2013 at 5:35 am

    Wow Tam…you and this Curly are becoming a couple…it’s so wonderful to see such a change in you…



  433.  #433Heart on January 14, 2013 at 5:36 am

    Janie – have u read Rori’s book?
    Remember to respect the masculine and speak in feeling messages.



  434.  #434Tam on January 14, 2013 at 5:50 am

    Hi Heart!!

    Long time no see!!
    I saw your post on Cuddly – how’s things?

    Yep, Curly, maybe maybe. I am still feeling unsure but I have come to the conclusion that it is a good thing. He is being very nice to me and making me his priority, it’s lovely. I was very close to letting him go but I am glad that I didn’t and who knows what happens…we have a great time in the meantime.



  435.  #435Iamabutterfly on January 14, 2013 at 5:51 am

    Thankful for: plenty of rest, feeling completely confident for the first time in a long time, sticking with boundaries, men who do manly things to help me. Seriously this complete stranger helped me when I was struggling with something that required strength. He just took it from me and finished the task with ease and it was the most masculine, attractive thing that I have ever seen!



  436.  #436Heart on January 14, 2013 at 5:52 am

    I feel Good right now…
    I feel warm
    I feel relaxed…
    I feel disconnected from the blog
    I feel softer
    I feel go-with-the-flow-ish
    I feel hopeful



  437.  #437BeLoved on January 14, 2013 at 5:53 am

    I learned a neat NLP trick that I’ve done a few times naturally, but since listening to a meditation I’ve been practicing and playing with a lot today.

    Instead of saying to myself, “I can’t take one more day of this soul-draining job”, with the same intonation and inflection, I say,
    “Ugh, I can’t take one more second of having such a fabulous career.
    Ugh, I can’t take one more second of feeling ridiculously happy and fulfilled.
    Ugh…I can’t take one more second of feeling so good about life, the universe and everything.
    I swear, if I have to spend ONE MORE SECOND loving life and everything about it for no friggin’ reason, I am going to burst with joy.
    Arrgh, if I feel unexpectedly delighted and surprised ONE MORE TIME and get exactly what I want and need and totally love it without having to “try” to get it, I am just going to SCREAM!”

    I’m feeling lighthearted and playful, this is amusing me πŸ™‚



  438.  #438Heart on January 14, 2013 at 5:59 am

    Tam! – I feel so happy for u…
    You seem radiant!
    Wow!

    Well Tam…CudG & I are dating again. I think I got a little hung up last time and started making mountains out of moleholes. I’ve gained some Perspective I suppose.



  439.  #439Tam on January 14, 2013 at 6:01 am

    Thank you heart…

    I had to giggle about the ‘mountain out of moleholes’ comment..oh I know how to do that!!! Ha!!! πŸ˜‰

    You sound good too!!



  440.  #440Heart on January 14, 2013 at 6:09 am

    Thanks Tam!

    I’m just curious…will you be staying there for long though..I remember u said u were going for 6 months.



  441.  #441Heart on January 14, 2013 at 6:19 am

    Anyway I want to do something different….I might move in a couple of months.



  442.  #442Heart on January 14, 2013 at 6:21 am

    Maybe.



  443.  #443Tam on January 14, 2013 at 6:23 am

    heart, I am just taking it day by day for now. I can stay another 2 months and if everything (job, financially etc) goes well could draw it out a bit..we will see…



  444.  #444Heart on January 14, 2013 at 6:33 am

    sounds good Tam!



  445.  #445Femininewoman on January 14, 2013 at 6:44 am

    BW I feel so curious about the feel of the boobs when you or he touch them.



  446.  #446Mercedes on January 14, 2013 at 6:58 am

    FW: I don’t know about BW’s experience but J bought me new boobies a couple of years ago and I am very, very happy with them (so is he). πŸ™‚ They actually feel very natural (and I lost almost no sensitivity – which is rare to lose almost none but I’ll take that blessing). I had a lift and firm and I love the firm the most. lol They aren’t hard, just firm…like when I was 20.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  447.  #447NewfMom on January 14, 2013 at 7:21 am

    Great blog post! Lindsay is very brave and I’m so glad that she was able to come to terms enough to see a new life ahead.

    To update on my issue. The previous blog post (my comment #1141) has a bit of background, if anyone is interested. Here is the latest:

    On Friday, Phillip emails me. It’s nothing of importance, and it’s mostly just chatting. I’m still in a great deal of pain about things, so I told him that I didn’t want to email or text – it was too painful. He relented (kind of), then later on that day, he sends me a funny picture with the subject, “Hopefully this will cheer you up a bit.” It was cute, and I responded with a thank you, and said that there was only one thing that would cheer me up. He asked what it was; I said we’d talk about it on Saturday. He pushed, despite my boundary that we don’t discuss important issues in text or email. He wouldn’t let it go, so I told him that it would make me feel good if we could continue the way we were, but I feel that it won’t happen.

    Then I promptly got sick, and ran for the restroom to throw up. Extreme emotions and stress do that to me. I had lunch an hour earlier (and had to force myself to eat), and I didn’t eat anything for the rest of the day. The thought of food made my stomach churn.

    Anyway, he was supposed to come over on Saturday. I had a feeling he’d find a reason to cancel (he’d done this before, basically chickening out). Sure enough, he emailed me to say that “something came up.” At first, I responded with the “voice of need and desperation.” Then I got a hold of myself, and said that I couldn’t make him do or not do anything, and to let me know when he wanted to get his stuff.

    Him: “Well, let me see if I can juggle things around. I can’t stay.”
    Me: “It would feel good if we could carve out some time to talk.”
    Him: “Talk about what?”

    OY!

    His tone was dismissive then he said that it wasn’t worth it to talk. I told him that was okay, but to not contact me unless he was going to pick up his things. He responded with something snarky, so I told him that I felt such anger and hatred, that I didn’t want to talk to him. He replied with something like hurt feelings. I stopped responding to his emails. Then he texted me – please respond; I did not respond. Then he called – five times! I did not answer. More texts: Please pick up the phone. Why would I? It would only make me feel horrible. He left a couple of voicemails with a bit of desperation in his voice. All I could think was, “why is he doing this?” If he goes radio silent that’s okay. But if I do it, he can’t handle it.

    It gets better. He emails me to say that he was on his way to my house – he wanted to talk. I didn’t respond. About 45 minutes later, I get a text from him saying he was in my town (we’re about an hour apart when driving the speed limit), but he got pulled over for speeding (85 in the 40!). At least he didn’t hear me chuckling. πŸ˜‰

    So, I pull out a bottle of wine (I really needed it, I was shaking so bad), a corkscrew and two wine glasses and placed them on the coffee table. He gets to the door and I could see that he was angry and frustrated. I open the door and he starts in, saying it was my fault that he got a speeding ticket. I calmly said with no hint of malice that I didn’t ask him to come over. That seemed to take the wind out of his sails.

    So we talk. He sits on one end of the sofa; I on the other end. I lean back and express as much as I could in feeling messages that I rehearsed. It was *SO* hard to keep my heart open. I cried a lot. He said that he loved me, but he’s frightened and he doesn’t understand why. The thought of any committment scared him.

    I told him that I completely understand that he might be scared. I get it. I’m scared too. I said that I never pressured him into a committment. That was the reason I was dating other men – I didn’t want to put pressure on the relationship. He agreed that the pressure was in his mind, and didn’t come from me.

    A lot of tears from me, but calm, measured speech; not raising my voice at all and speaking as much from my heart as I could.

    He needed time to think. I told him to take as much time as he heeds, but I wasn’t going to wait for him. He confessed that I was the best thing to happen to him in a long time and that I have been nothing but kind to him. But if I were to find another man, he would be the luckiest man on earth (I thought that was a bit of a platitude, but said nothing).

    The conversation continued a while, ending with sad smiles.

    I gathered up his things; he gave me my keys. We kissed each other on the cheek and he left.

    Here’s the clincher: He texts me several times yesterday and then last night to say goodnight. I did not respond. He sends me a Facebook message with the same sentiment (we’re not friends on FB, but he can still message me). I didn’t reply.

    This morning, I get an email from him just after I get to work. He asked me out to dinner tonight (??). I said no. I explained that I was giving him space as he asked. I said further that seeing each other would not only defeat the purpose of giving him space, I still felt a lot of pain. I would feel bad and I might break down.

    He said okay and wished me a nice day.

    Could someone please lend some insight as to why he would behave this way? I watched Toxic Men and the quiz showed that he was a good guy, if a little clueless. Not toxic or difficult at all (I beg to differ on the difficult part, though).

    Thoughts?



  448.  #448Elsie on January 14, 2013 at 7:25 am

    Rori! Thank you for responding at #265!!!! Wow! thank you!

    I will tell you that he is living in the same house right now as her, I know her as well. They are absolutely not “together”. She brags about dating other people to everyone. Its not that they are together at all. The issue is the kids, and how to get the separation etc. They are not legally married, but have been together 10 years.

    I have really taken your post to heart. I think that perhaps I am too dramatic about things. My mom is the same way, and I’ve been told that numerous times in my life. I wish I weren’t that way, so I do need to work on that. That is fantastic advice.

    He is very loving towards me but maybe not as much as I need – but maybe thats me being needy? For example, he did take me out this weekend and we had an awesome time, and he was so emotional – and it was so fantastic. We have been dating about a year now or so as we both go through the process of separating and for me, divorce.

    You said that my emotionality is not serving me in any way. It probably is not helping me see clearly – you are probably right about that as well.

    I think I”m just nervous. And worried. It seems even after a year that he and I are really good together, and after everything gets sorted out – we will be fine. He has children, and he absolutely adores my daughter and loves her. I think we would have no problem integrating as a blended family.

    We dont talk much about the future because we arent sure exactly when or how its going to happen.

    He also is ISTP and I am ENFJ if you know anything about Myers Briggs. He is introverted, thinker, who keeps emotions to himself mostly (although with me he has had more emotions than he has ever had – except for his children.) And I”m outgoing and loud and very emotional. So we are very different. I dont want to change him, but just understand him, etc.

    For example, we will be texting and it will be fine and then all of a sudden I wont hear any more. The next day at work he will say – well I went to bed or whatever. He doesnt really think about the whole emotional impact of my being very very sort of needy as far as needing emotional stuff, if that makes sense.

    I dont know what to say to him to make him really understand what it is I need so that he can give it to me. There is no question that this man loves me, but I think as the five love languages say I need more “words of encouragement.” The quality time we have because we work together and see each other all the time at work and outside of work as much as we can. And of course, he is fantastic at acts of service and really does stuff for me around the house and helps so much – its unbelievable.

    I guess I just need to HEAR the words. How do I tell him that? I have tried before, but I’m not sure I’m saying it right?

    Also, how do I say to him that I just need to hear more sort of flowery words about how much he loves me – or is that stupid that I need that – am I being too dramatic?

    OK – thank you Rori for answering me. And any others on here please help me. πŸ™‚

    Elsie



  449.  #449Tam on January 14, 2013 at 7:35 am

    I was with Curly yesterday and we saw a ca 60 year old woman with face and body according to her age and boobs of a 20 year old, up to her chin…in an itsy bitsy bikini. I felt so bad for her because the only way of describing how she looked was: grotesque.
    I kind of stared like you stare at the blood and guts in a horror movie – just because it’s kind of fascinating, and you can’t look away.
    Curly let out a hissing sound….and looked at me and said ‘I am a lucky man because everything about you is real, your mind and your body. I feel very safe with you’.
    Aw. I liked that.
    Mind you, he had his fair share of women try to metro-sexualise him….ha ha…good luck with that.
    There is no way that man can be turned into a pretty boy who colours his hair or shaves his body….and I think that’s so great. I am not much for hairy men, but I am even less for those who are over-groomed.
    So I take the hairy and grey any day….
    I love that we are on the same page with that.



  450.  #450NewfMom on January 14, 2013 at 7:38 am

    @ Tam: Wow – what an amazing thing to hear! I would feel *so* good to hear that from my man!

    Yay!!



  451.  #451Tam on January 14, 2013 at 7:50 am

    445 NewfMom..thank you πŸ™‚
    Yes, he is very good with words, he tells me all the time how fab I am, that I am a Goddess, the Prize (I swear he reads Rori’s stuff..hehe)…that he has never found anyone like me before….that he wants me forever, that he wants to wake up with me every single day..etc etc. And when I look at him, it’s quite clear that he means it – right now anyway.
    I am almost getting a little blase about this but I am really developing quite a big head. So this morning he said that he can’t believe how lucky he is, I replied with a wink: ‘yep, and don’t forget it’ .
    And I find that really funny, because that’s not really me. Or maybe it is now?
    Ha!
    Yes, he is bloody lucky to have someone like me around!! πŸ˜‰



  452.  #452Lori on January 14, 2013 at 8:29 am

    Good morning ladies! He called me this morning just to talk. When I saw him come up on my cell, I thought he was calling because he picked up the blanket. I used a Rori line and said “It’s so good to hear your voice”. His tone lowered (mine had) and he said “thank you”. After a bit, I asked if he had gotten it. He’s picking it up later. So he called just to talk! Yay me! I then told him that I would still like to get together to talk, he said he’d like to too and suggested next week as he will be out of town for a couple of days this week.

    As we were talking and laughing, he said he was just playing with me. I responded flirtatiously and told him he could play with me any time he liked. He jumped all over that one. hahaha.

    Then he mentioned that he really liked my picture change. I didn’t realize what he was talking about so he explained. We both have gmail and I had changed my profile picture on it. He said that when he hovers his cursor over my name, my picture shows. He really liked it and said that I looked pretty. Hmm, since he hasn’t emailed me in several days, he’s obviously been looking and noticed. I only changed it yesterday. πŸ™‚



  453.  #453Femininewoman on January 14, 2013 at 8:32 am

    Thanks Mercedes. Now I know just in case I decide to try it out.



  454.  #454Femininewoman on January 14, 2013 at 8:33 am

    Yayyyy Lori



  455.  #455Mercedes on January 14, 2013 at 8:35 am

    Lori: One of the coolest things ever is when a man calls just to talk. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ Awesome!!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  456.  #456NewfMom on January 14, 2013 at 8:37 am

    Lori – NICE!!



  457.  #457Lori on January 14, 2013 at 8:47 am

    Thanks ladies! I was really happy to hear from him and that he didn’t have a specific reason as to why he was calling, made it even better. πŸ™‚

    He’ll be picking up the blanket later and I know he’ll call again. πŸ™‚



  458.  #458Mercedes on January 14, 2013 at 8:50 am

    I’m trying not to get too excited. J and I are going to look at a new house tomorrow. This place is HUGE and BEAUTIFUL and in a much better neighborhood and…to top it off…has my DREAM kitchen! (I LOVE to cook!!!)

    I’m excited! I’m trying not to be but I can’t help it! I must believe that whatever we end up doing it will be for the best and I must remember that no matter what this home has to offer, the one we currently live in is very nice too.

    I want the wondering part to be over. I want to know if I’m moving or not. I want to know NOW!!!! πŸ™‚

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  459.  #459Lori on January 14, 2013 at 8:52 am

    That will be so fun!! Keeping my fingers crossed for you! Kitchens are my favorite part of the house. πŸ™‚



  460.  #460Mercedes on January 14, 2013 at 8:55 am

    Lori: Mine too! Well…it’s a cross between that and the master bedroom/bathroom. That’s important too. But the kitchen….yeah…I can totally see myself cooking in this one!

    Actually, even if we don’t buy it, it will be fun to look! We’ve looked at houses before (without the intent to buy, just the intent to begin looking for what we like/don’t like in a home) and it was so much fun. I’ll try to think of this house in that same way. It’s so much fun to just look!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  461.  #461Lori on January 14, 2013 at 9:01 am

    Me too, kitchen and then master bedroom/bathroom.

    Ladies, am I reading too much into his phone call? I don’t think so. He called just to talk since we hadn’t talked since last Tuesday and there were a few texts on Weds morning. I’ve totally leaned back. We were light hearted, teasing and talking.



  462.  #462Mercedes on January 14, 2013 at 9:04 am

    Lori: I don’t think you can guess what the phone call might or might not mean but maybe you can just bask in the happiness of knowing he was thinking of you and he called. Beyond that, he’ll show you what it all means in his own time.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  463.  #463Butterfly Wings on January 14, 2013 at 9:07 am

    440 FW – just as Mercedes said, they actually feel quite natural. More than I expected!

    I’m still healing of course, so they’ll get softer and more natural looking over time.

    I’m totally in love with them! My daughter says I don’t look much bigger than I did while wearing an uncomfy padded bra, and that makes me REALLY happy! πŸ™‚



  464.  #464Lori on January 14, 2013 at 9:08 am

    True. I am very happy that he called just because he was thinking of me. I did tell him after about 10 minutes in a very smiley way that I missed him. He said “I miss you too”.

    He’s so busy, ridiculously busy that his taking 20 minutes to call me means a lot. πŸ™‚



  465.  #465BeLoved on January 14, 2013 at 9:27 am

    Several experiences have come together over the past several days and
    today I could see
    how feeling ashamed of my weakness
    and neediness,
    feelings of unworthiness
    blinded me from seeing how I was causing pain to other people with
    mixed signals
    manipulation

    I apologized to C and told him I was sorry for confusing him and for letting him believe I was ok with things that I wasn’t really okay with
    that I was lying to myself because I didn’t believe I deserved or could get or could ask for anything more
    (I’m still not sure I do but I’m closer to allowing and believing that than before)
    I was sorry for blaming him for something I was doing to myself
    I conveniently ‘forgot’ certain things I said and did
    then “couldn’t understand” why things hurt so much and why I felt so confused and obsessed.

    Yesterday I laid up on the couch with my imaginary soulmate and coccooned in a blanket and cuddled adn babied myself most of the day.
    I feel so much kinder toward myself today.
    I feel a twist in my heart and yet I feel soft, as if even the air around me feels soft and gentle and loving toward me.



  466.  #466Smile on January 14, 2013 at 9:28 am

    Mercedes that is so exciting! It is my dream to own my own home! Especially with a great kitchen πŸ™‚



  467.  #467Smile on January 14, 2013 at 9:29 am

    Tam loving the updates πŸ™‚



  468.  #468Smile on January 14, 2013 at 9:35 am

    I feel a lot more pressure interacting with men from match than in everyday life guys you have met as there is more intent the like you know people are looking for relationships.
    Which is great and the reason I am there but I feel like it’s starting to become something more with amb cd and at what point do you stop actively looking for other dates???



  469.  #469Turquoise on January 14, 2013 at 9:35 am

    Sweetheart told me he loves me…. Wow, feels wonderful, and has been a long time. πŸ™‚



  470.  #470Smile on January 14, 2013 at 9:38 am

    I would really appreciate some advice around this and circular dating. At what point do you stop actively seeking dates when you feel like a guy is stepping up more and more? I get when he offers exclusive with the intention of a committed relationship but as things got more I would circular date in other ways not by actively seeking dates? What do you sirens think?



  471.  #471Mercedes on January 14, 2013 at 9:38 am

    Thanks Smile! I do love the home we have now but I don’t love the kitchen (at all). I want something open to the rest of the house so when the kids are all here and everyone is watching a movie or playing video games, etc, then I’m not hanging out by myself in the kitchen but instead, we are all part of each other and we’re all together.

    Mostly when I’m cooking and it’s just the two of us, J comes into the kitchen with me but it would be so much nicer if everything was open and…well…just open. lol I love it when rooms flow together and there isn’t much separation with walls. That’s what I want more than anything. And this place we’re looking at has all that. πŸ™‚

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  472.  #472Smile on January 14, 2013 at 9:38 am

    Aw turquoise that is lovely πŸ™‚



  473.  #473Smile on January 14, 2013 at 9:41 am

    Mercedes, All my apartments have been open plan, yes it feels great to have one big living space. It’s much more sociable too. Although my dad likes a separate kitchen to keep out the cooking smells lol! But I love the smell of cooking!

    I wrote it in my letter about having my dream home, I’m sure it is manifesting away! πŸ™‚



  474.  #474Mercedes on January 14, 2013 at 9:41 am

    Smile: When I was doing it I accepted dates from other men long after J was stepping up. I sort of left it up to him to make sure I didn’t have time to date other men. He literally reached the point where he wanted to be with me every night and sometimes I had to tell him no just so I could stay home and do laundry and relax with some me time. I did date other men until he filled up so much of my time that the other men stopped asking me out because I kept having to say “I’m sorry, I already have plans”.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  475.  #475Smile on January 14, 2013 at 9:43 am

    Feel like I’m not wanting to go on dates incase the guys stick. I only want one guy to stick. I’m a one guy girl. But I get keeping open to other men and being able to walk away when it doesn’t feel good. I’m just going round in circles with this and I can’t stop.



  476.  #476Mercedes on January 14, 2013 at 9:43 am

    You know what Smile? I think I wrote that in my letter too! I can’t remember for sure but I think so! Unfortunately the letter is sealed and I won’t know until next year. lol

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  477.  #477Smile on January 14, 2013 at 9:44 am

    Mercedes how did you tell him you were going on other dates?



  478.  #478Mercedes on January 14, 2013 at 9:45 am

    What do you mean “in case the guys stick”? I don’t think I understand. Like in case they all like you a lot? Or in case they all step up?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  479.  #479Lori on January 14, 2013 at 9:46 am

    I’m on cloud nine that he called just to talk this morning. Nothing specific. Just talk and tease. I’m going to continue to do what I’m doing. πŸ™‚



  480.  #480Dominique on January 14, 2013 at 9:47 am

    Elsie – How about learning how to “hear him” in the way HE expresses his love to you. They may not be words coming our of his mouth, but he IS telling you.

    Anyone can say anything at anytime which may or may not carry meaning. Actions speak far louder, the way he looks at you, touches you, caresses you, does things for you, looks out for you.

    This means SO much more.

    This was a hard lesson for me, and I feel very thankful I learned it. K may rarely say the words, yet he tells me every day, many times a day, how he feels about me, how he adores me and cherishes me.

    xxoo



  481.  #481Smile on January 14, 2013 at 9:49 am

    Incase the guy sticks, like keeps asking me out and wants to kiss…
    I’m okay with going on a coffee date but then the next time they want to hold your hand then kiss. I don’t want to stop them but it would feel awful to go on a date and hold a guys hand when your in a small town and the guy you like the most could see you out on a date?



  482.  #482Starla on January 14, 2013 at 9:49 am

    qz had to leave last night quickly after we had sex… he was already a good hour or two behind schedule and it was getting colder and colder (like 0 degrees Fahrenheit) and the heat in his car doesn’t work so his windshield frosts over at night while he’s driving the hour back home, and he also is super cold obviously.

    i took it personally. i did. i felt so hormonal after sex and i could tell he was afraid i would take it personally, which fueled my sensitivity and taking it personally. i just shared how i felt, and he went to great lengths to make sure i knew it wasn’t personal. but i could tell he was terrified i was gonna freak out. and that made it SEEM like it was personal.

    anyway, i decided to let it go (when in doubt, wait…), and when he got home an hour later, he texted me about how i’m the girl of his dreams, and then called this morning to leave an even SAPPIER voice mail, hehe. he is doing everything in his power to make sure i feel safe and sexure, and i feel so blessed and lucky.

    but wow was i triggered. i still kind of am triggered. sex triggers me. i don’t want to be abandoned, and i usually manage this fear well on my own, but after sex i feel very very vulnerable!



  483.  #483Mercedes on January 14, 2013 at 9:50 am

    Well…it was a little different for me. lol. I was very, very angry when I first started dating other men so I made it perfectly clear I would be dating anyone besides him. lol. When I did let him back into my life, I simply told him that nothing was going to change and that I was enjoying dating lots of men and having different and new experiences and that I wasn’t planning on changing that just because I also agreed to have dinner with him.

    Outside of my situation, I highly recommend Rori’s “no girlfriend speech” as I think that pretty much clears it up for any man. It tells him you intend to date until you have the relationship you want because you don’t want to be a girlfriend, you want to be in a fully committed relationship with XYZ before you “take yourself off the market”. XYZ = whatever you want (marriage, an engagement, buying a home together, etc).

    To me, that speech is very direct and let’s a man know exactly what your plans are so there is no element of “cheating”.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  484.  #484Smile on January 14, 2013 at 9:51 am

    I’m feeling like while the cat is away… I will go on dates. If amb was not on holiday I would not have been back on match.

    He’s been texting me lots too whilst he’s away. I love that he’s thinking about me whilst on an ace holiday he would have so much other stuff to think about.

    I know he wants to take me out for valentines day and stay over and cook for me when he gets back. It will have been 2 months then.



  485.  #485Starla on January 14, 2013 at 9:52 am

    this man is just showering me with affection and gifts and gestures. he’s really the best. i kind of feel guilty because i see how much money he’s spending on me driving and hour each way to see me and buying my meals and movie tickets and what not… it all really adds up.



  486.  #486Heart on January 14, 2013 at 9:56 am

    sexure ….LOL starla



  487.  #487Mercedes on January 14, 2013 at 9:57 am

    Smile: I think it would be a lot harder in a small town (I’m from a VERY small town but live in Houston now so that’s much better/easier for me) but that really is where the honesty comes in. To me, it’s okay if he sees you out as long as you’ve been honest about the fact that you ARE dating other men. How he feels about seeing you with another man is something he’ll have to deal with and not something you should have to take care of for him. I’m all for honesty all the way around.

    As far as kissing/holding hands/getting at all intimate…I suggest you do what feels good at the time and you know that what feels good leads you to the path of other things that feel good and on and on until you have everything you want. πŸ™‚

    Starla: I love your word “sexure”. I think you probably meant “secure” but I like “sexure” better.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    PS: There is a new post up!



  488.  #488Starla on January 14, 2013 at 9:59 am

    *secure



  489.  #489Smile on January 14, 2013 at 9:59 am

    Thanks mercedes, yes I want to put my energy into creating fun magical moments that naturally progress the relationship forward and I definitely do no want to take myself off the Market so to speak, until i have committment etc, especially as he is not yet divorced.

    Okay so if I carry on seeing others then how do you see balancing creating a relationship if say you have 2 guys who both want to progress things to like holding your hand and kissing you etc. Whilst I know I want to be sexually exclusive with amb cd as we have slept together once. Should you be doing this with more than one guy?



  490.  #490Smile on January 14, 2013 at 10:00 am

    Just saw your other post mercedes thank you πŸ™‚



  491.  #491Mercedes on January 14, 2013 at 10:01 am

    Starla: ” i kind of feel guilty because i see how much money he’s spending on me driving and hour each way to see me and buying my meals and movie tickets and what not… it all really adds up.”

    I would try to trust that he, as an adult man, knows the best way to deal with his finances and that he’ll adjust as needed without my input or worry or guilty feelings. πŸ™‚

    I’m going through some of this right now. The house we’re looking at is a lot of money and I’m just trusting J to know what he can and can’t handle and that he’ll make the right decision with that information in mind. I can’t control his finances and I can’t make suggestions about money with him (because it’s HIS money so it really is none of my business) and so I simply trust that he knows what is best.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  492.  #492Smile on January 14, 2013 at 10:12 am

    Mercedes, when I started dating amb cd I wasn’t seeing anyone else, they had dropped off. He also never asked so it hasn’t come up.
    I want to be honest but not sure how to bring it up. Dominque shared her link on choosing trust which I love so I don’t have to worry about him and who he is dating and I’m comfortable with that but how do I just bring it up that I’m dating… I assume he assumes I prob am but I want to be clear and honest. Maybe when he comes back from holiday and he asks what I’ve been up to I can tell him?



  493.  #493Tam on January 14, 2013 at 10:21 am

    Smile, I kind of have the same dilemma. Curly is trying to monopolise my time but I don’t want to get into it so quick…at the same time it feels bad to see other guys, like Chubby, he really likes me and started to get a bit touchy….I am glad he did not try to kiss me.
    I feel doing physical stuff with other men would undermine the budding relationship. It would make me run easier if a problem showed up..’there’s penty of fish in the sea’…at the same time I feel like there aren’t many fish like this one.
    I don’t know.



  494.  #494Tam on January 14, 2013 at 10:30 am

    Besides, I am showered with so much attention, affection, conversation, sex and whatever else, that I don’t even have energy/time to see another guy and certainly no desire for anything else. If anything I just want time by myself.
    Next weekend he has already asked for both days and it’s almost too much for me, ha!!
    I don’t have time for anyone else really, I need time for me!!!



  495.  #495Smile on January 14, 2013 at 10:33 am

    Hi tam, were on the new thread.

    I get keeping my options open etc but I’m not sure I feel comfortable with actually dating others yet. I want to be though. He might not be my one or withdraw like strummingman did although circumstances are very different etc. But I want to create moments and put energy into it.

    There are deal breakers for me with amb cd like you have with curly like, he smokes cigars occasionally, he is married and might not want to again and he has debt. But I seem to nd ok with this. Then s guy comes along who wants all the things I do ect with no deal breakers and I still prefer amb cd because of the way he makes me feel and the energy he gives me.