My Bad Dream

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2014-10-15 08.35.16I woke up from a bad dream this morning… Actually it started as a great dream… And then devolved into something icky…

There was a man, an apartment and a dog…

It was wild and crazy, the man adored me, I adored him. The dog was heaven. It was passionate and soulful and exciting…

And then somehow, I was out on the street.

I wasn’t with them anymore – and then, somehow, I came back to the apartment. I pushed my way back.

I remember my red suitcase. I remember having things all over the place and not getting a good hold on the little dog when he jumped on my lap…

I remember the man being squirrely and a bit crazy, wild and mentally “off….”

I remember trying to talk him into having our relationship back…

I remember him standing in front of me and telling me what he was feeling in a way that had nothing to do with his feelings for me…

I’d seen a great movie last night called Brooklyn… In which the heroine (and this may be a spoiler…) has so much personal gravitas that only men who adore her and let her know that they adore her come anywhere near her. This kind of no-nonsense is instinctive to her…

And here I am in my dream fighting for a crazy man.

Now, this morning, I’m out walking my dog.  I can feel the achiness of the dream washing over me and coloring the way I feel.

No, it’s not the trees and the gorgeous sky and the fabulous temperature and my freedom to walk my fabulous dog I mostly feel… no, it’s the achy of the dream that’s coloring me…

Isn’t this just like real life?

Is the achiness of anything that “happened” in so-called “real life” coloring your day?

If so – here’s what I did:

It’s not about whether the ickiness colors your day – because that’s just “happening.”

It’s about what you do with that information…

Because it’s a dream, I’m able to say “…it’s a dream.”

I can say, “…it’s not real, and although I can feel you, ichiness,  I’m not allowing you to impact my decisions… Or my general attitude towards my day…”

Well, what if what we consider “real” is actually just a dream?

What if that “decision” to “not allow” doesn’t work?

What if the icky of the conversation we had with him, or the phone call we had with him, or the moment we had with him (the one where we were afraid we’d said the wrong thing, or did the wrong thing, or overstepped, or overfunctioned, or underfunctioned, or under trusted…) What if all that was a dream?

Would we look at it differently? Experience it differently, make decisions about the “ickiness differently?

The only solution, in my experience, and the fastest way to move through ANY ickiness, is to Fall In Love with it.

It’s a feeling. A melancholy. A worry. A trigger. It’s a wash of something over you.

What if – without making “rules” about what we will and won’t “allow” – we just love everything that shows up, tilt our head, get affectionate with it, and let it move at it’s own pace.

What if we simply turn our attention to what’s right in front of us – no matter how “washed with a feeling color” it might feel.

What if we treated everything as if it was a dream…?

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Femininewoman on February 9, 2016 at 8:37 pm

    Fall in love with ickiness? Wow!

  2.  #2RileyTheOwl on February 10, 2016 at 12:26 am

    My comment is still aeaiting mod 🙁

  3.  #3RileyTheOwl on February 10, 2016 at 12:48 am

    Here we go!

    Hey lovely sirens!
    I was reminded of you guys yesterday; I had my guy friend stay overnight (non sexual just friends ) and we were rather drunk, I was playing guitar and singing. He was commenting on my talent, and I’m rather shy and self-concious/unsure of my skill level in music, even though I love it, and I was kind of fishing for compliments. He then said I DO have a nice voice… “You’re voice is like a siren voice. It’s the kind of soft vulnerable yet alluring voice that makes people want to come closer.” Then he added rather drunkenly, laying on the sofa, sluring: ” like, i could slit my throat right now, and with you singing like that I’d be okay with it”. (Yeah my friends are kinda emo, dont get worried by it) Kind of fucked up I know, but a guy just called me a siren. Woowee

  4.  #4RileyTheOwl on February 10, 2016 at 12:49 am

    Here we go!

    Hey lovely sirens!
    I was reminded of you guys yesterday; I had my guy friend stay overnight (non sexual just friends ) and we were rather drunk, I was playing guitar and singing. He was commenting on my talent, and I’m rather shy and self-concious/unsure of my skill level in music, even though I love it, and I was kind of fishing for compliments. He then said I DO have a nice voice… “You’re voice is like a siren voice. It’s the kind of soft vulnerable yet alluring voice that makes people want to come closer.” Then he added rather drunkenly, laying on the sofa, sluring: ” like, i could slit my throat right now, and with you singing like that I’d be okay with it”. (Yeah my friends are kinda emo, dont get worried by it) A guy just called me a siren. Woowee!!

  5.  #5RileyTheOwl on February 10, 2016 at 12:50 am

    Ahh I didn’t realize it kept going into mod cause I was swearing. Fixed it, sorry rori!

  6.  #6IamHis on February 10, 2016 at 10:09 am

    I have been letting the craziest parts of myself come out and play. I love them. It took me so long to love them, but I do.

    Just last night, I said something “crazy” in front of a man. I felt myself judging my crazy and not liking my crazy for just a split second.

    But switched quickly over to loving it.

    As for him? He smiled and laughed…

  7.  #7IamHis on February 10, 2016 at 10:12 am

    Great post, Rori. 🙂

  8.  #8Millie on February 10, 2016 at 1:29 pm

    I had a dream about mechanic last night. Not sure why he popped up… But in the dream I was at a party and he showed up and kissed me on the cheek and gave me a big hug. I was happy to see him but felt really confused. He had broken up with his gf. That’s all I remember from the dream.

    So Valentine’s Day is Sunday and I want to be super siren and use all my tools to have a great day and not look at what’s missing or what I used to have at all. Such a tigger for me… I could romance myself, I’m just so afraid of crying. I don’t want to!!! I want to be sad

  9.  #9Millie on February 10, 2016 at 1:30 pm

    *dont want to be sad

  10.  #10RileyTheOwl on February 10, 2016 at 6:22 pm

    Boy do I sure have some life updates for you girls. So much has happened for me in the last 6 months, I haven’t been posting cause I’ve been traveling. Vagabonding, adventuring, the most empowering journey of my life. I’ll make a huge post later on 🙂

  11.  #11Millie on February 10, 2016 at 7:31 pm

    Heard from M today. He asked how I’ve been. I gave a warm, happy reply and asked how he was. He replied, but didn’t ask another question so that was about it. I feel really good about where I’m at!!! I feel worthy and unshakable. Let’s see what/who else comes towards me!

  12.  #12Tereana on February 10, 2016 at 7:52 pm

    Mandy – I replied to you on the previous thread! 🙂

  13.  #13Azure Blu on February 10, 2016 at 9:05 pm

    Millie #10
    That sounds powerful!! lovely Siren…
    you are a warm invitation…
    interesting… he’s still contacting
    you’re letting him lead!!
    Yes, See what/who else comes towards YOU…
    that’s all that matters!!

    Who/What comes towards US!!

  14.  #14Azure Blu on February 10, 2016 at 9:07 pm

    So happy to hear your lovely Siren melody again…
    Can’t wait to hear you’re updates….
    Adventure and travels…
    so very Exciting!

  15.  #15Tereana on February 10, 2016 at 9:08 pm

    I had a dream once that was highly apocalyptic (and I am not given to that type of thinking.) in my dream, large alien ships were invading the earth. They were landing and sending out sprays of tiny sharp-bladed things like ninja throwing stars. If one of those things lodged in your skin, there was a chip inside tgat would mark you, and you would become “theirs.”

    So this happened. I was running away, and I got one of them in my skin.

    I woke up feeling “icky” and bewildered at having had such a strange, intense, vivid dream. The memory of it stayed with me all day as I went to my new job. And the “icky” feeling stayed with me and increased as the day went on. “It was just a dream,” I said to myself. “It will be better once I get another night’s sleep.

    Well, as I went to bed, I felt worse and worse. I couldn’t get comfortable. And then I started puking like crazy. All night, I was throwing up.

    The next morning I called in sick. The entire day, I couldn’t get out of bed, I was so sick from food poisoning.

    This really happened.

    In this case, my dream icky feeling WAS real. The imagery was archetypal, but I figuted that it was my brain and body sensing that it was being “invaded” by unfriendly pathogens. I did well to listen to the icky feeling and pay attention.

    And I love everything that Rori said. I just want to add that reality is not necessarily outside of ourselves. Reality is a perception, like everything. And our brains cannot tell the difference between what is “real,” what is imagined and what is dreamt. It is all “real” internally. It is only our conscious minds that try and sort these things out. Which is why that line can get blurry sometimes.

    I like how “real” my dreams are. I like noticing and remembering them. I hope I have some good dreams tonight….

  16.  #16RileyTheOwl on February 10, 2016 at 9:27 pm

    Ahhh hi Azure!!! So excited and happy to be chatting on here again 🙂 yeah I’ll write soon! I’m recovering from a wisdom teeth surgery right now and need to go to bed. I’ll see if I have the energy tomorrow 🙂

  17.  #17Indigo on February 10, 2016 at 9:36 pm


    I wanted to write about something.

    When you are taking active, positive steps towards creating a new life for yourself, a better life – creating something new whether it be a new relationship, a new career, whatever it may be… And it is actually working, you are actually seeing your dreams become reality, be prepared for things in your relationships with those close to you to be shaken up. Prepare for negativity and detraction from others as their insecurities rise up to the surface. On the face of it, they may seem to support you, but what you are doing is likely challenging them to their core. Be prepared for people to argue with you, tell you you are wrong and that what you’re doing will not work, be prepared for people to try and pressure you to go back to the old way. Be prepared for people to fall away from your life. Be prepared for people not to understand. Let them all. Don’t be distracted from your dream, and what you know you need to do.

    In the context of siren island, this goes for finally having a successful, loving relationship. Those who have not managed to create this in their lives due to blocks within themselves will likely resist you in some way.

    I am finding this right now with my mom. I am living with her and my stepdad so it makes all the more pressure-filled. I am finally achieving everything I ever wanted – a relationship with a wonderful man that is supportive and fulfilling, and a university degree that will allow me to have a career where I will be able to be both fulfilled and financially free.

    My mom has a very emotionally barren relationship with my stepfather, and is battling to find work now in this time of her life because of her age. I know deep down she supports me but I think what I am doing is challenging her enormously. She is really battling to show me respect. She seems to feel I should still look up to her, when in reality I have my own set path and ideas. I am going to stand my ground and stick to my guns, and avoid her now while she seems to be feeling so intensely triggered, and see what happens.

  18.  #18Azure Blu on February 10, 2016 at 10:08 pm

    Indigo #16
    Ohhh… my…
    so happy to hear how WONDERFUL some things are going for you!!!
    REALLY REALLY happy for you…
    I feel bight shinny starlight sparkling!!
    You have worked hard to create this
    amazing path for YOU…
    It is yOUR time to shine. lovely, innocent hearted Siren!!!

    Interesting that you noticed how people
    want you to “Change back”
    as Harriet Lernner says
    In her book “the Dance of Anger” she mentions that phenomenon…
    I too am experiencing this…
    My work is going really well and my relationship with Spirit is soooo amazing…
    and some friends and family are struggling with how I am less stressed, less needy,
    MORE happy, light hearted, authentic and powerful…
    it has been happening for awhile
    as I LOVE ME more and hold my boundaries
    it has caused 2 friends to just walk away…
    I have been struggling with that loss…
    I am different now…
    I am so thrilled with how my heart and mind and body has changed…
    it is sad that they no longer want to be around…
    I know this will leave room for new friends who
    are more in tune with who I am now…

  19.  #19Azure Blu on February 10, 2016 at 10:14 pm

    Stand strong lovely one…
    It must be very stressful to be back at home…

    as you said, your mother loves you…
    sometimes it is difficult to see…
    I like what you said about leaning back and letting her have her triggers and feelings…

    I feel so thrilled to hear you are aligning yourself for your HappyEverAfter!!
    and that M is feeling so good to you…

    with that shining goal lighting your path
    you can be an open invitation for your mom
    but hold your boundaries as you stay on your horse!!
    huggs and love!

  20.  #20Victoria on February 11, 2016 at 12:33 am

    I know exactly what you mean. Many people, even your closest ones, will sometimes not understand your goals, or will not be able to support you due to their own personal limitations.
    When I quit smoking (several years ago) all my smoker-friends tried (not on purpose) to pull me back into the old habbit. It turned up that I eventually had to develop a different set of friends. My mom too, similar to yours, was never understanding or supportive of any of the career or educational challenges I undertook. She would always worry worry worry about everything and try to brainwash me to worry or just get my attention to care about her, which at a certain point in life simply became too much of burden for me. I have come to accept this as a part of life, and not to mean that these people do not love me, or do not mean well for me, and I have leart to just switch their noise off. And I have learnt to cultivate friendships with people who are high achievers themselves and who are supportive of my desire to grow.
    Also, I have been thinking, as Valentines day is approaching, how miserable I was last year, wondering whether F. will initiate anything and then he did not even call me on that day, but went to see his mom, and sent me an email.
    This year, I have a romantic weekend planned by R. a month in advance. Not too bad, me thinks :-).

  21.  #21EarthEyes on February 11, 2016 at 12:35 am

    Hi Ladies,
    Would someone please clarify for me:
    When are we allowed to tell men what would feel good to us?
    When it occurs to me can I share how something does/would feel or do I say nothing and have to wait for him to ask me what I want for me to express what would feel good?
    I also get the impression from some of the exercises with clients in Rori’s videos that regarding talking, conversation and being in your feminine you don’t speak to a man unless he speaks to you first.
    What’s the deal with this?
    Does this mean if I’m on a date with a man I can’t speak unless spoken to? Or unless he asks me a question specifically?
    Would love to hear some input.

  22.  #22Azure Blu on February 11, 2016 at 5:20 am

    Ahhh… I was just wondering the other day how your new romance was going… and now we have a name…
    That does sound sooo romantic… a whole weekend planned
    Ahhh… heart * heart * heart*
    smooches darling!!!

  23.  #23Azure Blu on February 11, 2016 at 5:33 am

    Tereana #14
    that was quite a dream…
    almost like a Star Wars movie…
    does sound disturbing…
    I know when I have vivid dreams…
    Sometimes they are a message of things to come…
    I have had some VERY prophetic dreams in my past…

    Also in regards to you holding your boundarie with your soldier man…
    I feel that was such a good decision for you…
    it does put you in a stressful situation to go to him…
    a new city… a first meeting…

    You deserve a man who lives close… a man easy to meet up with on a regular basis…
    Maybe to practice expanding your emotional intimacy muscles with someone closer

    How long has it been since you have had that?
    It seems I have been following your journey and distance has been an issue… causing longing and missing…
    I am sorry if this seems too personal but…
    Do you feel this is a pattern?

  24.  #24Indigo on February 11, 2016 at 7:48 am

    Azure Blu & Victoria,

    Thank you so much for sharing your experiences, that is exactly what I mean!

    I find it so interesting that you both lost friends when you started to experience tangible improvement in one area of your life… in my experience this is exactly what happens.

    My mom and I generally get along pretty well until I get into a relationship where a guy genuinely loves me and I genuinely love him. Recently also when I bought my flat my mom was also extremely huffy and triggered about that. Whenever my dreams get really big my mom tends to fret and become a nay-sayer, just like you described your mom, Victoria. It feels as though she doesn’t trust me.

    Anyway, those issues are for her to sort out. I’m going to stay the course and “switch the noise off” as you say Victoria!

  25.  #25Helena Hart on February 11, 2016 at 3:12 pm

    Millie – 10 – Yes!!! I LOVE hearing this: “I feel really good about where I’m at!!! I feel worthy and unshakable. Let’s see what/who else comes towards me!” It sounds like you’re at a great place! Yay!! 🙂

    Love, Helena

  26.  #26Helena Hart on February 11, 2016 at 4:50 pm

    Indigo – 16 – I was really struck by what you wrote here because I experienced the exact same thing, both when I met and married my amazing husband, and when I started a super fulfilling coaching career (which is what I’ve always wanted to do).

    Being on the other side of that now, I can say that for the one or two people who dropped out of my life when I started making my dreams come true for myself, I attracted SEVERAL wonderful, incredibly supportive new friends who are happy to hear about the successes I’ve had in life and love.

    I’m so happy to hear about your great relationship, and I have a feeling you’ll start experiencing this as well as time goes on.

    Love, Helena

  27.  #27Millie on February 11, 2016 at 5:52 pm

    Helena– thank you that feels soooo good to hear!

    Feeling reflective about Valentine’s Day last year and how wonderful I felt. When there is no man showering me with his waterfall of love I have to remember how sparkly I felt and shower myself with that same love. His absence does not diminish my sparkle. I may allow myself to have a small cry about it though. And then move on from it.

  28.  #28Helena Hart on February 11, 2016 at 6:33 pm

    Millie – 25 – Absolutely, his absence does not diminish your sparkle – I love how you put that!!!

    I got such great feedback from the teleclass I did last week that I’m putting together a newsletter with some Valentine’s Day bonuses, one of them being one of the teleclass recordings from my Effortlessly Attract Love Program.

    I think it might be helpful for where you’re at right now, about halfway through I talk about the grief that we can go through when a man we’re feeling attached to is no longer “there” anymore (including Rori’s Radical Accepting tool and the fact that no one says how long this grief needs to take – things can turn around for you in an instant once you allow yourself to truly FEEL what you’re feeling!). Here it is if you want to check it out:

    Hope it helps!

    Love, Helena

  29.  #29Millie on February 11, 2016 at 6:54 pm

    Helena– thank you I will check it out!! Also just to clarify “his absence” not only meant M, but men in general. In the absence of men… I probably should have said. If there are men coming towards you I think it helps the absence of another… But when they are all absent haha… I have to remember to make myself shine even more!

  30.  #30Helena Hart on February 11, 2016 at 8:25 pm

    Millie – Yes, that definitely makes sense. I actually did a blog post two years ago on Valentine’s Day about flirting with the world (even when there aren’t any men around), which helps you to feel that life and the universe LOVE you and want good things for you, no matter what’s going on. 🙂

    Love, Helena

  31.  #31Tereana on February 11, 2016 at 8:48 pm

    Azure –

    Yes, I have had prophetic dreams, too! That kind of was one. I never know what the prophecy really is until it happens, though. Usually.

    Anyway…thanks for the response on soldier man. I like that name for him . It’s perfect. It does feel nice to hold my boundaries with him, and I am really glad I did.

    It’s funny you’ve noticed my “pattern” as well. That the men in my life seem to be physically far away from me. Do I nithce? Ha! Oh yes. My goodness, yes. I’ve been nothing this for a looooong time now. It is not new. And in most cases, when I meet the guys, they are not “far” away from me. I meg them on the street, at work, or online. They are all nearby. And then, somehow, it comes out that they travel for work, or they are here visiting, or they have to move, for whatever reason.

    It used to really worry me. And I felt like I had “worked out” all the reasons that might be. Still the “pattern” hasn’t changed much. I feel curious about it. Maybe, in some weird way, it’s what I need right now. I need to get emotional closeness with physical distance, which allows my body a kind of safety while my mind heals from a lot of emotional trauma around love. I just made that up, but it feels true to me.

    It will be healed. And I trust that in the process of my mind and heart healing, the men in my life will naturally come closer. Because I will be more ok with it.

    That is my best guess right now….

  32.  #32Tereana on February 11, 2016 at 8:49 pm

    *do I notice…noticing.

    *meet them (not meg)

    Gah, autocorrect

  33.  #33Azure Blu on February 11, 2016 at 10:47 pm

    Tereana #29
    I do love what you are saying here…
    “It will be healed. And I trust that in the process of my mind and heart healing, the men in my life will naturally come closer.
    Because I will be more ok with it.”
    That is exactly what I have found in my life…
    As my heart heals I attract/allow men into my life that CAN do closeness…

  34.  #34Mandy on February 12, 2016 at 2:46 am

    I think I’ve been overthinking. It seems the only way to let Mr. Valentine know that I need something is to ask for it, he’s pretty responsive.

    Shrug…..sometimes I overthink things…so much.

    About the “just a dream”….this is a powerful tool. I have been able to get rid of bossy thoughts and feelings weighing me down by thinking, you know, this is a type of perception.

    There can be good ones and bad ones…

    Turmoil feels awful. That’s the feeling I got from Rori’s dream.

    Clarity, understanding something for what it is, is always a good thing, however with the mental issues I deal with, my doing and fixing part of my brain over-functions (that’s what OCD is) so I always have a feeling of impending doom even if I do/fix until my proverbial hands are raw.

    Right now I’m just frustrated still. I decided to ask for phone calls, which is much better than typing to each other these sterile messages. This way I can use a script. I used the it would feel good to hear your voice, can I have a call, and he hopped right to it. He might be a guy who actually responds very well to these messages.

    I still haven’t said my script to him about what he needs to do to have me, but this will come soon enough when I know I have his attention and it is in a good calm moment.

    But heck. Our liking a guy is even just a perception, lol. It can be changed too, lol. Apparently NOT SO EASILY with tenacious Mandy here, but….:)

    SO….Can anyone direct me to the article(s) about how to lose some of your interest in a man? Lol, I want to laugh saying that but I am actually serious 🙂

  35.  #35Mandy on February 12, 2016 at 4:14 am

    Also, I am still feeling the fear. The fear of rocking the boat as Sami says. Ok….I’m going to do a free fall. I’m going to have a leap of faith here. And intend to trust I’ll land safely with or without his company, by saying the script.

  36.  #36Indigo on February 12, 2016 at 6:54 am


    Are you saying you want to lose some of your interest in Valentine?

  37.  #37Tatia Dee on February 12, 2016 at 8:53 am

    This post is complete awesomeness!
    I feeeeeeeeeeel this so often!
    Sharing, sharing sharing!

    Love ya,

    Tatia Dee

  38.  #38Millie on February 12, 2016 at 9:00 am

    Helena 26–I totally love love loved the link you posted here!!! Teleclasses are so helpful! Hearing your voice and all the personal stories really sinks in with me vs just reading a story. It feels so much more personal. I think if there is one word that causes a man to run its pressure. And we subconsciously put pressure on him when we are not solid in ourselves. I feel so happy to be on this journey and learning all of these tools now in full force, so when the right man shows up I will be completely myself and not my “habits” anymore. Thank you!!!

  39.  #39Millie on February 12, 2016 at 9:03 am

    Question sirens: what does having your guard up look like and sound like? I have been told by men and women alike that I have a guard up. Even when I think I’m being soft and open… So there is a disconnect here. When someone is gaurded, what does that look like and sound like?

    Also– I had a dream last night that I told M about the blog and he was furious that I was writing about him. He called me and wanted to talk, but i was in a public place and it was hard to hear him. It was so noisy and raining. Weird.

  40.  #40IamHis on February 12, 2016 at 9:11 am

    Realizing that I am powerful. I offend people deeply, but I also inspire them. I stop them right in their tracks. It feels scary, but it’s a good kind of scary. Exciting. Quietly exciting.

  41.  #41IamHis on February 12, 2016 at 9:16 am

    Millie to me guarded feels like holding something back. You could very well be open and soft in a way, perhaps more open and soft than you’ve ever been. You likely feel proud of yourself for this…and you should!!

    But I think the more open we become, the easier it is for others to see when we’re not being completely open…& it honestly feels terrifying!!!!

    Does that help or give you any additional insight?

  42.  #42IamHis on February 12, 2016 at 9:24 am

    For example, writing on this blog has felt terrifying for me, at times. I’m sort of a writer; my writing is sort of unofficially out there. People who know my writing could easily figure out my identity on here.

    I have disagreed with people, showed my “crazy,” showed my inexperience, my confusion. Sometimes I feel alone on here, sometimes I feel completed connected with this searching community of women.

  43.  #43IamHis on February 12, 2016 at 9:30 am

    I think one of the more “stalker type” of guys that I was pretty crazy about even found me on here after I accidentally shared a post on Facebook.

    No one likes their personal lives exposed, especially the “ugly,” “shameful” parts. I kind of recently unintentionally exposed some people in a certain community of mine.

    I’very gotten to the point where I’m just kinda like, so what? I’ve got nothing to hide. Why should you?

    Though of course there are some things that should be kept private…

    Actually, finding the balance feels kind of confusing right now….

  44.  #44IamHis on February 12, 2016 at 9:34 am

    I didn’t like how a certain guy blabbering to other guys about my spontaneous little “mmm” moment I unintentionally had with him.

    I’m sure he didn’t like me “blabbing” about his own inexperience and jealousy issues.

    Sometimes you just have to get over yourself and face the truth of who you are.

    And who knows? Maybe even fall in love with that truth! 🙂

  45.  #45Femininewoman on February 12, 2016 at 9:37 am

    Half the time I can’t look at a person when I have my guard up. I believe bringing things back to oneself will help to clarify having a guard up.

  46.  #46Helena Hart on February 12, 2016 at 9:43 am

    Millie – 36 – You’re welcome! I’m glad you enjoyed it and that it was helpful for you! 🙂

    Love, Helena

  47.  #47Indigo on February 12, 2016 at 10:55 am

    Millie 37,

    I think having your guard up means looking at the stories you are telling yourself to justify pulling away from the other person. Reasons you give yourself why you put distance between yourself and another person. Sometimes those reasons are legitimate, but very often they are not. It’s always wise to examine them. It’s scary to let our guard down so you need to look at your relationship with fear too.

  48.  #48Mandy on February 13, 2016 at 4:49 am

    Indigo…I am laughing because you asked me that question because for some reason it sounds funny…yeah, I would like to back off Valentine a bit emotionally.

    I hate it when he’s too busy for me. He made a commitment of sorts to be there for me, and he says he feels bad he doesn’t follow through as much as he could. That’s an understatement. I haven’t seen him since Xmas and it pisses me off.

    SO while he’s sweet and shows me lots of things lots of men haven’t I feel neglected yet again.

    Need to….you know….back away a bit and keep him in the rotation. You see he’s just too important in the rotation right now.

    Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want him to go away, I’d just like more power over my own situation. Just tired of feeling like i have to wait forever for him to come around.

  49.  #49Tereana on February 13, 2016 at 12:22 pm

    Mandy (34) – I love this post! 🙂

    First off, you *think* you are overthinking. That strikes me as funny somehow. Because it’s a thinking statement in itself. Lol. Yes! You are overthinking. And maybe, rather than trying to push it down or counteract or run from it, the thing for you to do is to embrace it. In fact, maybe what I love about your post is that you are kind of embracing it. You are owning it. Talking about your OCD and what it means for you, that really let me know who you are. And I love that. You can live that part of you by acknowledging it, just like you did. Maybe even with a man. Then tell him how all that makes you feel.

    I can picture some guy – the right guy – totally falling in love with that.

  50.  #50Tereana on February 13, 2016 at 12:27 pm

    And by “with that,” I mean with you – all of you. Overthinky you as well. Overthinky you, who is also connected to your emotions.

    How does that idea feel for you? …I’m curious

  51.  #51Tereana on February 13, 2016 at 12:42 pm

    I have a weird observation about myself here on the blog. I’ve noticed that I usually show up to get support and help processing a negative or confusing situation, to help give me some clarity. And it works.

    Yay and thank you!

    But the reverse of that is not also true. I don’t come here to celebrate and to share the positives that I experience (for the most part), and I’ve been thinking a lot about why that is.

    Because I WANT to share the positive stuff. I want to celebrate.

    But I am afraid.

    It’s partly based on experience, but it’s almost like a superstition. I am afraid that if I share the good things as they are developing, then they won’t develop. Because that seems to be the pattern in my life. If I meet someone that I am excited about, then I can share a difficult thing or a challenge, and that’s ok. If I say to even one other person that I’ve met someone and I like them, then that seems to precipitate the end of my interaction with this person – and it may come from them or me. But it’s over. The magic is gone.

    The most extreme example of this is when I was engaged. Of course I told everyone about that. I was excited. I was giddy. I wanted to bring everyone along with that happiness. And then I ended it. And I had to endure people asking me about that relationship well after it was over, making me re-live the grief and loss I felt, plus shame at not having been able to “keep it going.” Feeling mostly like a failure, as a woman and a person. That I should have been able to stay in that relationship and I couldn’t.

    And yes, even that is a perception. (Mandy, I love how you put that.) these are thoughts and feelings that may not have been “true.” But they presented to me as the truth about myself.

    So now I am more gunshy. I want to experience the good feelings and the growing and the success of somethimg that is developing in secret. I don’t want the eyes of other people on it until I am REALLY sure.

    And this, too, is I guess part of my healing….

  52.  #52Millie on February 13, 2016 at 5:24 pm

    I am remembering this time last year and how incredibly happy I was with M. I looked through the folder I saved of texts and reread all the sweet amazing things he said to me. I started to feel the glow I felt when I first read them. His plans for us… How he felt about me. In helenas teleclass she talks about how we give meaning to objects and how that changes our perception of things. What if I could disassociate the person from the words? Use the words to strengthen my vibe and bask in more self love? Bathe myself in them. Those words are true and I’m sure I will hear them again when someone sees me for me again. The words are about me now, they aren’t about him. I want to use them to take me forward and not back.

  53.  #53Mandy on February 13, 2016 at 6:32 pm

    Ohhhh Tereana I just wanna give you a BIG OL HUG for that, that was SO sweet!

    That really feels absolutely wonderful, and I don’t say that often because I have deep reserves of silly skepticism! 🙂

    Thank you and congrats on getting through to me! 🙂 🙂 🙂

  54.  #54Starla on February 13, 2016 at 8:25 pm

    Tereana I can totally relate.

  55.  #55Millie on February 13, 2016 at 11:06 pm

    I need to vent for one second…
    I feel like this process isn’t working. I’m not seeing any change in the universe so far. I feel like I am really doing a good job and yet I’m not attracting anything. I know I’m supposed to be available for feelings of overwhelm or loneliness and I’m not supposed to worry or be attached to any outcome, which means that even if I change my attitude and actions, that doesn’t necessarily mean and change will actually occur outside of me… And I feel scared that nothing will ever change. That no matter what boundaries and feelings I embody I will still get the same result in my love life. And that scares me. I know I need to trust the universe, and I want to. I just feel sad and teary tonight.

  56.  #56Millie on February 13, 2016 at 11:09 pm

    What if I’m just incapable of attracting men into my life?
    I just don’t know what I’m doing right now.

  57.  #57Indigo on February 14, 2016 at 12:34 am

    Tereana 51,

    I kind of like to follow the rule that a lot of pregnant women follow – not to tell people they are pregnant until 3 months have passed, so that if they miscarry during that time they do not have to face endless questions about it from other people. Of course I am not as extreme as this, I do say some stuff about my relationship to those around me, but I like to reign it in until the relationship is more established. Firstly I don’t really love people being in my business, and secondly it can just get confusing and overwhelming when other people have too much information and they offer opinions and ask questions.

    Ultimately a relationship is between two people and those two are the ones who have to decide how to make it work. Remember that. Honour your own feelings on the matter.

  58.  #58Indigo on February 14, 2016 at 12:47 am

    Another thing, Tereana, on this same topic that I wanted to share is that you need to remember that sometimes it takes a while for people to let their guard down.

    Outside observers of your relationship may forget that. And press you with their own interpretations and perceptions of what is going on. In my relationship with M, it is the first time I have had the space and the safety to see for myself how afraid I am in the beginning of a relationship – normally those fears just get pushed way down in the hormonal oxytocin rush of excitement in a new relationship when you are all over each other, only to re-surface a few weeks later and then terrify me because I don’t understand the sudden change.

    This time, because M is such a gentle, caring, understanding person the fears surface much more slowly and gently and I could deal with them in a manageable fashion. He was also able to admit that he had some fears of his own and to ask me to be patient with him, and so I understood. This process is a tender one and can easily be misunderstood by other people as a relationship “crashing and burning” if the relationship is rushed and too many people share in that initial enthusiasm. I find it’s too much pressure later on when the inevitable reality sets in and you have to get more real with each other and your relationship has to survive in a real world context.

    This is just a long way of me saying that everyone understands the “giddy, happy, romantic” part, and this feels great, but you almost need to be careful that you don’t cling to it, and that you allow both of you time and space to get to a more mature place in your relationship.

    Like I said, I’m speaking to myself here, because I can see now that this process takes time.

  59.  #59Indigo on February 14, 2016 at 12:53 am

    Mandy 48,

    You haven’t seen this man since Christmas? It does not give me a positive feeling at all about a man if he waits this long to see a woman without a good reason.

    I tend to be quite direct so forgive me, but a man’s words mean very little in my book if they are not backed up by action.