My Dog’s Doing Better – And It’s Making Me Think About Our Women’s Bodies And Chemistry

Untitled design (14)

This is my dog, Hazel as a puppy…9 years ago…

If you have a dog, or a cat, or a horse, or if you’re not feeling well yourself, you may be interested in what this dear, burly man of a veterinarian, Dr. Plechner, has to say.

Hazel is now under his care, and actually getting better (she got her vision back within 24 hours of seeing him, after having been pretty much given up on by every other vet and pronounced “blind” very suddenly.

I’m also knee-deep in endocrine system research (because that’s how I like to do things…).

To Dr. Plechner’s site and blog – read the “Medical Ice Age” article first and see if it rings a bell for you….>

http://www.DrPlechner.com

To me, adrenal exhaustion is one of the root causes (and with, of course, whatever causes adrenal exhaustion…) of all our moods,  our energy losses, and as women – with estrogen flowing through our bodies on TOP of the false estrogen coming from our environment – a danger to our hearts, minds and wellbeing.

I’m not a doctor, or an endocrinologist, and my nursing-school bound brilliant daughter is probably WAY more astute about all this than I am – and so I don’t swear by anything (other than the value of probiotics and the NO value of gluten) – but I like to work out my process here on this blog and get your feedback and experience.

Health, nutrition, hormones are all a huge part of how our brains work and how we feel emotionally – and so they’re huge in our love lives.

I would so much rather be directed through my life by an inner compass that’s looking for the most wonderful and satisfying and thrilling routes for me to take than an inner compass that’s darting around from one extreme to another in search of something ancient in my past, or something chemical from the physiology of my body.

Love, Rori

399 Comments

  1.  #1k2012 on January 19, 2013 at 9:11 pm

    Wow, I am first. Can’t believe this. This has never happened.



  2.  #2k2012 on January 19, 2013 at 9:15 pm

    Glad to know that your dog is okay, Rori.



  3.  #3Karyn on January 19, 2013 at 9:42 pm

    Pleased that your dog is doing so well, Rori.

    I have a very strong belief in the power of nutrition to heal or harm us. By calming myself first through nutrition I have been better able to deal with life and I feel so much happier as well.

    My area of expertise (through trial and error and a ton of reading) is tantrum prevention and management. People who eat properly and regularly are less likely to have Reactive Tantrums than those who eat rubbish.

    Loving your blog BTW 😀



  4.  #4Vi on January 19, 2013 at 9:46 pm

    oh wow I feel amused – I was just going to process how I feel after my yearly check up..) and I feel happy – I feel happy to be out of the health center building and that the check up is over, and that all is well of course. And I feel a little resentful that in other everyday good-feeling situations the feeling of happiness and my senses are not that acute and I feel kinda less present. Maybe that’s why I feel so concerned about my health… maybe I seek for this feeling of happiness and relief finally that all is well… or maybe it’s not because of that.. I feel doubtful.. What pops up in my mind is the phrase ‘something must be wrong with me’. I feel my teeth clenched. I love my clenched teeth… I remember when I was a child my mom spent much time taking me to different doctors .. and it was from them that I got to know my ‘real’ feelings… hm.. anyway, the general idea is mom wanted me to get well .. so I can tweak ‘something must be wrong with me into ‘People want me to be healthy. Life wants me to be healthy… or People feel happy when I am healthy. My being healthy makes people happy’… Sigh. Feels better. And I love my ‘something must be wrong with me’ belief. It served me well and I love it dearly. And I can try some other beliefs now…

    I notice there is a part of me that wants to beat myself up for attending to my resentment… I love all parts of me!!



  5.  #5Vi on January 19, 2013 at 10:10 pm

    Now I see how this ‘something must be wrong with me’ belief influences my relationships with men. It creeps in when I start to perceive them as a part of my family. As long as we are just dating – I am my usual goddess self, but as soon as I start to perceive them as a part of my family – I am back to this family pattern! And questioned men’s ‘normality’ and got rid of them fast if they continued treating me like a goddess (and stuck to those who did not) .. Because when I am in my family – ‘something must be wrong with me’. hehe.. WooHoo! I feel excited to know that and I don’t have to go there anymore! I’ve learnt the lesson, thank you! 🙂 I could try smth. different now… hehe.. omg I feel sooo giggly



  6.  #6Memulo on January 19, 2013 at 10:18 pm

    Luzydel as most of us here know marriage doesn’t necessarily bring you happiness. Even if it brings you status in the country;)

    You want to be with someone who adores you and who you can trust.



  7.  #7Sha-sha on January 19, 2013 at 10:30 pm

    Awww cute dog! I have my other man in my life! My cat he is 18yrs old pets bring lots of joy into ur life that’s for sure!



  8.  #8Memulo on January 19, 2013 at 10:53 pm

    Hey K2012! I don’t know if I am moving on. It still hurts a bit to think this way. I suppose I am somehow, just by acknowledging that I was treated like sh-t at times. I wish I had more experience back then to know how to deal with it. But regardless I think – who is he to treat me this way? What’s comforting is that despite all my feelings for him even when it first happened I was telling myself 2 things- he will never hear from me again and who exactly is he? And I felt that loosing my loyalty was the worst thing that could happen to him in our relationship.

    But sometimes I wonder if by never contacting him I am doing it too. I am showing that it doesn’t mean much to me though it’s not how I always feel



  9.  #9k2012 on January 19, 2013 at 11:20 pm

    Memulo, do u still love him?



  10.  #10Emerson on January 19, 2013 at 11:40 pm

    So true out hormones and nutrition influence how we feel soo much..thanks Rori for bringing the awareness ….
    I am cutting way down on sugar and next is gluten / wheat. Will be hard but we shall see how it goes



  11.  #11Emerson on January 19, 2013 at 11:41 pm

    Also I want to start drinking almond milk ! I love soy but I’ve heard almond is better



  12.  #12Emerson on January 19, 2013 at 11:43 pm

    I need some serious pampering a massage and a facial!!



  13.  #13Daria on January 19, 2013 at 11:45 pm

    I’m in love w Daria.



  14.  #14Smile on January 20, 2013 at 3:27 am

    I am going on a fresh wintery walk today. Them I am coming home to cook up a storm in my kitchen and make lots of yummy foods to freeze for my lunches over the next few weeks. I live looking after me 🙂



  15.  #15Smile on January 20, 2013 at 3:28 am

    Today I feel alive!



  16.  #16k2012 on January 20, 2013 at 3:31 am

    If a man doesn’t call, if he doesn’t step up, if he doesn’t do what he’s supposed to do
    then raise YOUR degree of difficulty, raise YOUR status in YOUR OWN eyes, and downgrade HIM.
    When you Circular Date, you INSTANTLY raise your degree of difficulty. When you refuse to be “exclusive” or be a girlfriend to a man who hasn’t committed himself to you fully, you are raising your degree of difficulty.”. Brilliant! There is a slang we would say in my country ‘Pram Pram!’
    Reading a newsletter from Rori. Even when I don’t have time to read them, newsletters from Rori, Christian Carter, Elaine M.D. And Michael stay in my inbox until I read them. In fact, my inbox is filled with mail from all of these relationship coaches. I hardly delete them.



  17.  #17Indigo on January 20, 2013 at 3:49 am

    k2012 15

    Yes! Yes! I was reading Rori’s newsletter about imaginary relationships yesterday too, and this concept is so helpful.



  18.  #18Indigo on January 20, 2013 at 3:51 am

    Memulo,

    I was reading your story a while back, and I, along with other sirens, can see by the way you write how far you’ve come. Just keep going, it’s a slow process but it sounds like you’re doing really well x



  19.  #19Indigo on January 20, 2013 at 3:52 am

    Ooooh, today I bought myself three gorgeous push-up bras. This is something I’ve been meaning to do for a while and shopping for them made me feel super juicy and sensual.



  20.  #20k2012 on January 20, 2013 at 3:57 am

    Ladies, top of the morning to u. Last night, my friend messaged me and asked if I still wanted to go out, but I was too exhausted this weekend to go anywhere, but hopefully next Saturday night to continue my search for Mr Right. Put myself out there so I can physically meet someone. I hope my friend and I can make this a weekly thing. Sometimes I am not sure about the online method. I keep changing my mind? As I said before, meeting anymore men online they would have to reside in my country so if I want to meet them, it would be possible soon after meeting them online. I am not putting up much hope with overseas cd. He is one of many options I will have. I don’t think I am going to say anything more about transferring to the phone. Not a word in English about that. I will find a way to deliberately bring up back “the what I want” discussion as I really need to be CLEAR on what I want. I plan on stepping back today. I won’t contact him, unless he contacts me. When he contacts me, I will start a discussion and go right back to the issue. I will not ask him what he wants. I am watching his actions. His actions will tell me what he wants. Someone once told my sister that she is to “watch what a man does and not his words.” In other words, actions speak louder than words is a motto that we should all remember ladies, especially in man/woman relationships. This is what we can use to determine if men are serious about us. After I say what I want, I am going to pull away a little, say hi to him sometimes but go missing for a day or maybe 2(I will just go with the flow.) What do u all think of online dating? Sometimes I don’t trust it. Not sure what to think.



  21.  #21k2012 on January 20, 2013 at 4:22 am

    Yes Indigo (16) it helps. U know I didn’t finish reading that newsletter and deleted it in error. When I return from church this morning, I am going to go online and access my trash box and transfer it back to my inbox cause articles like that have to be kept VERY close to my chest. Trust me.



  22.  #22Indigo on January 20, 2013 at 4:41 am

    k2012

    Yes. There was a time where I would cut and paste bits of Rori’s advice that I really needed to hear and stick them around my computer screen, it really helped and some of those concepts are engraved on my heart. I can’t believe I once needed that, but I may still go back to it LOL 🙂



  23.  #23Indigo on January 20, 2013 at 4:49 am

    D has invited me round three times in the last week, planning things for us to do. He took me out for breakfast yesterday morning and this morning. It may sound like a small thing but it has been absolute months upon months since this has happened.

    I can’t help but notice he was relaxed and affectionate and smiling around me last night and this morning, and yesterday he actually apologised for overreacting to something relatively small.

    I do NOT have the relationship I want, yet I can’t help but notice these changes, as I can feel the vibe inside myself has shifted.



  24.  #24Indigo on January 20, 2013 at 4:52 am

    (Sorry, I know I am spamming)

    but this morning when he said he needed some time to himself today, he actually put his arm around me and kissed the top of my head, almost apologetically, instead of just pulling away roughly as he may have done at times in the past.



  25.  #25Butterfly Wings on January 20, 2013 at 4:57 am

    15: k2012 – I’m so glad you posted that, because it’s just drumming it in my head that I need to shift my focus.

    Thank you! 🙂



  26.  #26Elsie on January 20, 2013 at 5:45 am

    @k2012 – I think I’m a bit uniquely qualified to answer about online dating. I did it a lot before I met my husband about 15 years ago LOL. It was back when they called it IRC instead of match.com etc. I met men who I ended up having real life realtionships with – 3 in particular. They were for the most part fantastic guys. But the problem was that before I actually met them and saw them in an environment that was actually with me – saw how he looked, saw how he held a fork, saw how he looked at me, saw how he touched me, saw how he opened a door for me, or didnt, saw how he paid for a meal, saw what he ordered, saw what he looked like during the silences when you dont talk….etc etc etc……you cant really KNOW someone. You just cant. Its a fantasy, and you can project what you want them to be onto them. I know – because well, I did it. And more than once. So I’m not saying that you cant have anything real – because I will tell you that the third guy I met online…..well, I married him. And we were married now for almost 11 years. So, although its ending (our marriage) we had some really awesome times, and frankly, the reason we are divorcing has nothing to do with any of that from 14 years ago when we met.

    So there you go – my two cents (probably more – I’m long winded LOL.)

    Elsie



  27.  #27k2012 on January 20, 2013 at 5:57 am

    Indigo.(21). That’s a good idea. Yes Butterfly Wings, u are welcome. Trust me, this whole dating/relationship issues are really a piece of work. U have to work to find the man and to keep him and encounter difficulties when they are to move to the next level. Which reminds me, I haven’t finish reading Steve Harvey’s second book which I bought from August 2011-How to find and keep a man.”



  28.  #28Tam on January 20, 2013 at 5:59 am

    Ah I feel really flat today.
    The date with Chubby was ok except we met at my place to go to the cinema and then missed the time and stayed on my balcony talking. It was ok, he is a nice guy..but he triggered me a lot yesterday with his typical Germanic attitude, which I partly like and know, and I partly despise as it is the typical panic-making thing I know from home and my family.
    He told me he was worried about me because I don’t seem to know what I want and have no direction.
    Gee thanks!!!
    I suddenly felt like, yes, maybe I should be worried…I hate that feeling.
    He said if I wanted a husband and family I should search for on for an hour a day and be systematic about it, like internet dating… (thanks for that).
    If I wanted to get back into my old profession I should do the same.
    And, what did I want to do with my life anyway?
    Argh.
    It’s true, I am floating and haven’t quite arrived yet, but I do it by choice. Is that so bad?
    I didn’t think it was and it just takes someone questioning me to loose my foothold.
    And then, I dreamt of MrP all night long.
    I woke up feeling nauseous too, which was probably a result of eating crap as we had a change of plans and I just had snacks at home.
    I am quite capable of worrying about myself, thank you very much. Next time I listen to my gut and spend my night alone when I feel like it.



  29.  #29Tam on January 20, 2013 at 6:11 am

    …and now I am waiting around on Curly, he was going to take me to an arts thing in the city and he never confirmed a time which is usual for him…and usually I know what happens as he texts me around 8am..today nothing yet. I feel really impatient and just want to get out there and do my own thing, but we had firmed up plans and said we were both keen to do this yesterday.
    I feel like a sulking child, like I want to say ‘all leave me alone, thank you’
    part of me wants to go though.
    I haven’t seen him for a week and I feel a little scared also.
    Urgh.



  30.  #30Ulii on January 20, 2013 at 6:28 am

    @k2012

    “Someone once told my sister that she is to “watch what a man does and not his words.” In other words, actions speak louder than words is a motto that we should all remember ladies, especially in man/woman relationships.”

    So true.
    I think Bloom Ing just recently posted in Siren Island how she will be now watching man’s actions for at least 6 months before she starts to listen to any of the beautiful words he is speaking. (Or so I understood more or less). I think this is a brilliant approach and should be kept on mind. Although I feel glad receiving the wonderful words by side of the actions also.



  31.  #31Ulii on January 20, 2013 at 6:28 am

    @k2012

    “Someone once told my sister that she is to “watch what a man does and not his words.” In other words, actions speak louder than words is a motto that we should all remember ladies, especially in man/woman relationships.”

    So true.
    I think Bloom Ing just recently posted in Siren Island how she will be now watching man’s actions for at least 6 months before she starts to listen to any of the beautiful words he is speaking. (Or so I understood more or less). I think this is a brilliant approach and should be kept on mind. Although I feel glad receiving the wonderful words by side of the actions also.



  32.  #32Ulii on January 20, 2013 at 6:30 am

    And Rori’s dog looked so nice as puppy. I´m glad she’s feeling better.

    (And sorry for the double post.)



  33.  #33k2012 on January 20, 2013 at 6:31 am

    “I will tell you that the third guy I met online…..well, I married him.”. Elsie when I read the previous sentence, I said in my mind,”Bravo”. But when I read this sentence- And we were married now for almost 11 years. I said “were, oh no” and then I saw where u said ur marriage was ending. I am sorry to hear that. I am glad your divorcing has nothing to do with your 14 years since u met. Well, then u were successful with online dating, cause u married the guy. Yeah. Thanks for posting Elsie. Its true, its a fantasy until u actually meet the guy and are around him. Its true. And u know what I would recommend different ways to meet men which is the route I am going to follow-1.Going out to physically meet guys at nice places where guys hang out and 2. Meeting guys online.



  34.  #34Ulii on January 20, 2013 at 6:33 am

    ((((Tam))))

    I would hate it if a man does this kind of “pointing out my weaknesses” stuff. Although he might only mean well, but still… It is so irritating. Usually it is beacause I am aware of them myself & worrying enough & doesn’t need an extra reminding, specially from a man.

    I like a man who points out the best in me… So I feel inspired to deal with the not so best.



  35.  #35Emerson on January 20, 2013 at 6:39 am

    Tam
    Ugh sorry you are not feeling well.
    Chubby Austrian was way out of line offering you advice and being “in your business” but as Rori says sit back and look for the message… I suppose you got it which was obey your gut and stay home alone when you feel like if! I did not like that he was late and botched your movie plans either, he could have still taken you out and had a plan b. he does not deserve you .



  36.  #36Emerson on January 20, 2013 at 6:40 am

    RecycledCD used to give me similar advice as well and if would upset me a lot.



  37.  #37Tam on January 20, 2013 at 6:42 am

    Hey Emerson, aw, I felt all soothed reading your message 🙂
    And now, I decided that if I haven’t heard from Curly by 10am, to go on a looong beachwalk instead…
    I feel better already!
    Thank you 🙂



  38.  #38Tam on January 20, 2013 at 6:42 am

    Hey Emerson, aw, I felt all soothed reading your message 🙂
    And now, I decided that if I haven’t heard from Curly by 10am, to go on a looong beachwalk instead…
    I feel better already!
    Thank you 🙂



  39.  #39Emerson on January 20, 2013 at 6:42 am

    For a while I was spending time each day online looking and communicating and it really got me no where …. There’s a lot of criminals and weirdos on there and it takes alot of energy to sort through it all, it was affecting me in a negative way.



  40.  #40Tam on January 20, 2013 at 6:43 am

    Thank you Ulii too!! That resonates with me also..



  41.  #41Emerson on January 20, 2013 at 6:44 am

    I don’t know what to do anymore to meet men. The problem is I work too much and commute too much. I’m so tired all the time …



  42.  #42Ulii on January 20, 2013 at 6:46 am

    @ k2012

    About online dating.

    I find it to be one of the ways to meet men. I prefer it to bars & discotheques & such…although not to meeting people through common interests, activities or at friends’ parties & similar.

    For me it´s one of the easiest ways,as being naturally quite shy & not very confident for flirting, it feels most comfortable.

    I still don´t like chatting or having long contact by virtual means only. I prefer to take a potencial interest into real life soon. For that… I let them know already in a first mail (or during the first 10 minutes of chatting)…that I actually don´t like chatting & spending too much time on the computer & prefer to get to know people in real life. So if they take it from there and suggest meeting up for a coffee-date or similar, then I will be meeting them. Probably during the same week-end (if I have started to chat to them during the week). If not, then I just don´t invest much more energy into them. No way I will be chatting to somebody over 2 weeks without meeting.

    If there´s a case they are out of town or somewhere further (but have firm plans to come back to the town where I´m at, or close)..Then – if they seem interesting enough – I let them know, I don´t like internet contact, but will be open to get to know them after they are already back in my town.

    Of course it´s important that when an actual date happens, it will be first in public place and not too long one. And usually that meeting will be enough for knowing if there is potencial for further meetings and if the man is somebody trustworhty.

    Well, sorry if being a bot confuse.. But this was what occured to me now about online dating.

    P.S. When starting with onnline dating more than a year ago… I did the mistake of also allowing contact from men far away (even in another part of the world).. Getting attached to them over virtual conatct only, and even travelled to see some to another country… But I learned that kind of a imaginary relationship with very few real possibilities to transform into something real is not somehting I really want in my life. So now I´m not accepting contacts from men who are not geographically close to me.



  43.  #43Emerson on January 20, 2013 at 6:49 am

    I need to be proactive with life balance ..
    I just messaged a friend to spend time tomorrow, she is a good friend and she also knows a lot of people and maybe can set me up with someone !



  44.  #44Tereana on January 20, 2013 at 6:51 am

    So…i had typed out some stuff last night and it’s gone now. Oh well.

    Things took a turn for the worse with “mr. Man.” not that it was entirely unexpected, but it was completely alarming and unpleasant.

    Basically, he kept asking me to go things. The fact that he always wanted me to “work” for stuff and do things – well, it was annoying at first. And when I tried to talk to him about it, he didn’t get it (he didn’t even get what I meant by “masculine” and “feminine,” even though he is a very masculine guy, otherwise. This isn’t “feminine” every we are talking about. This is a “using and abusing women” energy here). It probably should have been a big, red flag – and it was. I saw the flags. But there were do many other signs that pointed to “yes.” I felt sure that he was something special that I should not overlook because of outside details. I didn’t want to “judge.”

    But now I realize that he is just scary. Heived me into his house, because he wanted to use me. And that was it. He did not take care of me, he did not do anything for me, besides the absolute minimum, and he expected ME to pick up the slack.

    Well, I’m sorry buddy, but no way. You are out of luck, and I am out of your life.

    No matter that I am homeless and am going to have to crash on a friend’s couch until I can afford a new place. I’ve done it before, and I can do it again.

    What I don’t know is – how did I miss the signs?? How did I end up with another toxic guy?? I guess I should see rori’s toxic men program, now. But I think the problem is me. Either I draw them in, because I attract that. Or they “become” toxic around me, because of the family pattern that I am still carrying around.

    I feel committed to undoing that and unwinding it, though I’m not sure how. But I think the way has already presented itself. And now I need to learn more about it… After I get my stuff safely out of his house. At least me Andy cats are safe :-/

    I hope all sirens are safe, too…,



  45.  #45Tereana on January 20, 2013 at 6:52 am

    Me *and my* cats. (even though Andy is one of their nick names )



  46.  #46Emerson on January 20, 2013 at 6:57 am

    Hi Ulii!
    Yay you sound great! I’m reminded why I should stop responding to blueCD texting he’s not making plans to meet… I’m feeling irritated and bored!



  47.  #47Emerson on January 20, 2013 at 7:02 am

    Tereana! I’m sure you’re not turning them toxic. This man was toxic already.good for you getting out and moving on. Sorry it turned out that way!
    You have kittys Awww!



  48.  #48Ulii on January 20, 2013 at 7:02 am

    @ 43

    (((Tereana)))

    OMG.. this sounds so bad. You are better out of his place quickly! The most important is to be safe.

    I don´t believe any of men can “become toxic” beacause of us. They have their own issues, but being violent (even if only verbally)..it´s his own choice. And has a lot to do not with the way he is feeling with you (if you’re triggering him somehow), but with the way he is thinking and his values (if he – for example – thinks that women should be doing things for men & not complaining etc.. )…

    It just triggered me here, as I am currently reading “Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men” by Lundy Bancroft to be able to understand & help some of my friends who are dealing with this kind of men. And it´s triggering to me if I see women taking the blame for these men being the way they are and making them feel scared.

    If you feel scared than that´s the enough reason to get away from him quickly.



  49.  #49Emerson on January 20, 2013 at 7:05 am

    Tereana I agree with Ulii.

    I didn’t realize you were living with him. I’ve been in “starting over” mode so I know we can do it… It’s a new beginning!



  50.  #50Tam on January 20, 2013 at 7:06 am

    The lucky guy called just before 10.



  51.  #51Ulii on January 20, 2013 at 7:14 am

    Hi Emerson! 🙂

    Thanks! Feels nice to sound good.. 🙂

    I do understand that the online stuff can be draining and there are weirdos there too. Sometimes I don’t have the energy to go through the selection process either. And I have deleted my profile for a while or just not signing in there for som time.

    But it helps me if I try not to take personally or seriously the bad that comes sometimes…and to enjoy the good that comes. And with time it´s getting easier to see the difference. I also allow myself the liberty of not dedicating time if I don’t feel inspired. So I do ignore a lot and look to quality marks as intelligent & polite conversation, peaceful and self-secure attitude, initiative in making plans, but also common sense and their understanding of my needs (Like it´s only logical a girl wants to feel safe and doesn’t owe trust to anybody.. So a man I would talk to is not somebody who expects that I would go to meet him at his place without even knowing him.)

    About phone calls & texting.. Hm… As I have not been on the blog too much, I don´t know what´s the situation with BlueCD. You had met in real life already?

    I generally hate phone, so I am not too keen of phone conversations. I am saying “I don´t like phonecalls” , as it is the natural reality to me. I do like to receive nice texts, but also if there is some real life contact in between. If it´s only something via text, I would feel bored and turned off too.



  52.  #52Ulii on January 20, 2013 at 7:17 am

    Good for him Tam 😉 .. !



  53.  #53k2012 on January 20, 2013 at 7:28 am

    41-Ulii. Wow thanks for that post. Appreciate it. U looked at the issue very well. I have one online cd who lives overseas. We were introduced by our alumni on FB. We were in the same year group and we have not physically met. Any other man I meet online will have to be in my country. That’s a given. In fact on dating websites, I indicate my preferences. I don’t want to meet up too quickly though. Maybe after a month of talking to someone online, I could meet them. Cause as u said, one has to be careful. Sift through the guys and decide who u want to meet up with and take it from there. Do u know that on dating websites, I watch out for the types of screen names the men use? Some screen names turn me off.



  54.  #54Ulii on January 20, 2013 at 7:29 am

    Emerson,

    Sounds great about you meeting your friend. I believe it´s good if our friends can suggest us somebody to meet, because they should know a bit about us and what we like… 🙂

    And thinking about more ideas…
    You´re not on Siren Island FB group, but some ladies there are just sharing wonderful experiences of speed-dating, saying it´s the best opportunity for the women who think they are not “selling themselves so well” on a dating site.

    I have also read a lot on here and on SI about different meeting -up groups. Which I understand are joining people to do fun things together in groups.

    Then… I myself have not done these things, but… I do notice I get lots of male attention if I go out and go ask advice or help form men (like policemen for directions, bank clerks to help me understand some bill…etc…etc…) Or just asking if a seat is free in a public transport from a nice looking guy. Or looking helpless…for example with a big suitcase needing to go up or down some big stairs. 🙂 Lots of possibilities of practicing siren ways there. 🙂



  55.  #55Indigo on January 20, 2013 at 7:35 am

    ((((Tereana))))

    How long were you together before you moved in? I seem to remember it was quite sudden that he asked you, that you had not kissed him yet?

    I am very glad you got out of there straight away when you saw trouble and felt unsafe. Too many women linger. You should give big kudos to yourself for your bravery.



  56.  #56Sunflower on January 20, 2013 at 7:51 am

    Men need to rubber band…Ok.
    And we are meant to anchor..fine.
    And then they comeback…
    Till here I feel fine, and also open to begin with/ ‘feels good to see you part..,
    and then I mess up with expressing my feelings.

    Why do I mess up?
    Maybe because my feelings are confused.

    At one level, particularly in the early stages of dating, I feel a man has a right to do whatever he feels. I feel irritated , and I feel Okay with it.

    But then, i feel a sudden strong urge to convey at the outset my boundary,
    And I begin to feel suspicious that maybe I am being strung along. And the feeling of irritation increases.

    Maybe it is my old stuff coming up, where I have been strung along, and not said what I felt.
    And I feel I must say something to convey that I don’t want to be strung along- the very first time a man pulls away for a bit.

    And I feel all confused and feel wondering if what I have here is a ‘nice mature guy’ -who is just begining to explore getting to know me, and wants to pace it slow, or am I dealing with a ‘bad guy’ who is stringing me along.

    But then, what is wrong if someone is stringing me along in the initial stages. I feel I respect that too.

    Oh man..how do i put together contradictory feeling in message- with a new CD, particularly after he gives an explanation, and apologises. I genuinely feel good to hear from him, and I genuinely feel I want to convey that I don’t want to be strung along..

    I need help in scripting this-



  57.  #57Ulii on January 20, 2013 at 7:54 am

    @ 52 k2012

    You’re welcome.. I´m glad if my post could give some insight. 🙂

    I have had glimpses of your story so I remembered a bit about that OverseasCD. I would personally not invest my time anymore into someone who can not be present with me in real life. But well, I got to that place gradually… So it´s just now when I have got to the point that I really do not want to spend my nights writing long mails with somebody I might never really see or who is not actually making efforts right now to come to me and has a idea how it would work out. And that even in case there is a lots of deep connection. But I just really do prefer real life interaction. So while I´m investing into that, I might miss out some men who really are available for that.

    I had a NewZealandCD (me while that being in Europe), who I was talking through skype for months and when I actually decided to accept his request and said I will go to him (also for trying out to see how it would feel to work and live in such a far place, so it was not only for seeing him, but still…) he got afraid and backtracked big time.
    And he still hoped to be in constant contact. But then I felt bad & drained from all of it. For now, we are no longer in contact…as I simply got bored at the end. And there was no real effort coming from him. I think we were both having fear of intimacy issues then (me fro accepting this kind of “imaginary realtionship” have my energy so long, and him for pouring his heart out to me in emails, but only wanting me for that role, being afraid of the real me to show up at his door…)

    And then I had an ItalianCD who I was chatting to as a friend knowing he had a (long distance) girlfriend. It was really comfortable & cool to chat to him, but then it got out of hands as I went to visit him and we got carried away by attraction & had a passionate 4 day long fling. I got emotionally hooked up on him for a while… as was telling me things like “You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are my soulmate…I have never had a connection with anybody on this level…” And everyday texts how he misses me. But what he really was doing was still only chatting to me. He was not leaving his gf or suggest any real plans for us to be able to have something real in the future. So I stepped out of that imaginary relationship too. And it did hurt and was hard, for some weeks…

    Now I feel this has served me to learn I don´t want to accept crumbs anymore, and I want a wonderful relationship with a man for whom I am a priority and who can show that to me in real life. I have learned to love myself more and not settle for less that what it is I really want.



  58.  #58Ulii on January 20, 2013 at 8:04 am

    @ k2012

    And I totally take notice on mens screen-names too. It’s like a way of describing oneself. And there are some crazy screennames there I have seen… 🙂

    Still, I like to optimize the time used on internet, so a month to chat only for security reasons seems a bit long to me. And if I meet him after all and can´t stand his smell? Then I feel the month has been “badly invested”…

    For me..2 weeks would be a maximum. I believe a first date can be safe even if the time spent chatting has been few. Also I find some men good talkers, so they can keep up an image while only chatting, but in real life you could tell quicker you should not put your enegry into it.

    But of course, you should do what feels good to you and the most important is to feel safe.



  59.  #59Elsie on January 20, 2013 at 8:09 am

    @ Tereana – I’m so sorry for your situation – but at least you found out now instead of after getting married etc. Just work on this being a new fresh beginning!!!!

    @ k2012 – Yes, just to clarify – my marriage ending has nothing to do with online relationships. We were together for 14 years. It was very major problems that developed years after we were married that had absolutely zero to do with online dating etc. LOL.

    For what its worth, we only chatted online for 3 months I think before we actually met up in person. I knew from the moment I saw him I loved him and would marry him. We said we loved each other that night and never ever broke up until now. It was a successful realtionship until now having some very serious problems we just cant work out.

    Hope that helps. 🙂

    Elsie



  60.  #60Emerson on January 20, 2013 at 8:16 am

    Ulii I met blueCD online a year ago but never in person. He got back i contact with me recently out of the blue… Hence his name lol… He has asked me numerous times to go to his house but I said no I don’t feel comfortable. He works in a profession of trustworthy nature (ive seem his pic) so he assumes I can trust him but you never know and plus why am I driving to some mans house? No thanks! We’ve talked on the phone too but now it’s mostly text and I’ve expressed I don’t want that… But here I am still replying to his texts. Ugh. Truth is I am curious about him, he is attractive and has a fun personality but so far he has not heard my words apparently or chooses not to…he has yet to ask me for formal plans ahead of time even if its just coffee…



  61.  #61Emerson on January 20, 2013 at 8:18 am

    I may say that in my next text that I feel unheard and if he’s too busy then I don’t have time to correspond with him



  62.  #62Sunflower on January 20, 2013 at 8:26 am

    Guess I am struggling to script two feelings together
    a feeling of being open to a man moving at his won pace, of pulling away and getting in touch when he wants to, without feeling any pressure. It is about him.

    About me, I want to use this as an opportunity to communicate, in a soft feminine way, my standards- that on and oft communication doesn’t feel good to me (but doesn’t this contradict the first?? ..it feels like passive pressure).



  63.  #63Indigo on January 20, 2013 at 9:02 am

    Sunflower,

    I struggled with this too, and I can recommend Dominique’s articles on communication very highly.

    I learnt that men pull away for a bit for various reasons:
    1) He’s in another “zone” – work, hobbies, friends, family etc.
    2) He’s taking time to assess if he wants to move forward
    3) He just doesn’t require as much contact we do
    4) Maybe he has fears of intimacy

    To name but a few. We can’t know which it is, and I’m learning that it’s not for me to get inside a man’s head.

    Time will give a better indication of what his reasons are. How long have you been together? If you haven’t been together long, a script like this might push him away.



  64.  #64Violette on January 20, 2013 at 9:17 am

    Sunflower I so get it! It isn’t easy to lean back, and then what to do when he does contact and we want to keep our power? I guess on some level it comes down to not making him too important, and having such a full life, that we either break it off, or continue, approaching it lightly…



  65.  #65Tereana on January 20, 2013 at 9:22 am

    What k2012 and ulii were just writing about – a man’s words matching up with his actions – is spot on. This is exactly what has been wrong & continues to be troublesome in my relationship with “mr. Man.” (he gets quotes around him now, because I no longer believe in him, and it’s precisely because of this mismatch. I kept hearing all the right words and seeing some of the actions. But when I waited for reality to follow through on the expectations that had been built, what I found was the polar opposite of everything I had been led to believe. And the man is not ignorant. When I told him that I felt deceived about certain things, after learning details about who he was, he said it was “my fault” for believing those things. He can deny any intention, but my take is that he played me, based on who he knew *I* was (or perceived me to be). He presented himself in a certain way, and when I asked questions, he always had an answer. But often facts and things I had been told would shift into something else. But he did it in such a way that it seemed good. All the while, he was withholding the basic facts and truths about who HE was.

    And I began to see this picture, the moment I moved in with him. And now, knowing the truth, I am OUT of there…and homeless. But I’d rather be homeless than live with a man like that…..



  66.  #66Elsie on January 20, 2013 at 9:24 am

    @Sunflower – I totally get it.

    I dont understand. The other day I was disappointed, and Mercedes said, well, you were disappointed, but you dont have to ACT disappointed. I feel like then thats being fake, if I’m just being “warm and open” when really I just want to scream – WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!?!?!?!?!!

    LOL…
    Anyway – I would be open to hearing what you other girls on here say about it.

    For example, I”vehad an awesome 2 weeks off and on with my guy and then didnt hear from him yesterday which is no big deal, and not unusual, its just that I think about him all the time….LOL….why doesnt he do that about me? LOL.

    Elsie



  67.  #67Emerson on January 20, 2013 at 9:33 am

    I just took a peek at pod and there seem to be a lot of men in my age group pretty high quality!! I feel a lil more hopeful. It’s been a long time since I looked I any sites!



  68.  #68Olivia on January 20, 2013 at 9:42 am

    Hi ladies….I learned something last night…that drinking does NOT help me speak in feeling messages, or sit with my bad feelings and do nothing. It makes it much harder to control the impulse to *do* something.

    About two drinks in, I completely misheard a voicemail message from my guy.

    Four drinks in, I was super mad, and confronted him in a controlling way….

    He accepted my apology…

    Sigh…oh Nasty Voice…



  69.  #69Sunflower on January 20, 2013 at 10:07 am

    Indigo, thankyou. That was helpful. Will look for that article by Domnique.

    Thankyou Violette, Elsie..was feeling it was just me who couldn’t figure the confusion. Guess we will all get wise someday 🙂



  70.  #70Emerson on January 20, 2013 at 10:12 am

    66
    *pof not pod
    Silly autocorrect !



  71.  #71Elsie on January 20, 2013 at 10:17 am

    @Emerson – I”m not sure what pof is? 🙂 LOL.

    @ Sunflower – I still dont sort of get it. I feel like I”m lying when I act warm and open when I dont want to. I feel angry actually when I have to do that. Like….why am I the only working? I dont see him having to manipulate and really work on his feelings. Why do I have to sort of bend myself out of shape and talk in feeling messages? I just get a little bitter about it sometimes….

    Elsie



  72.  #72Olivia on January 20, 2013 at 10:27 am

    @Elsie -i would say DON’T be warm and open when you don’t want to be…just sit there are be with your bad feelings and feel them for whatever feels like a reasonable amount of time to do so until you turn it around and start saying gentler, nicer things to yourself.

    If you don’t feel like speaking in a feeling message to a guy or co-worker or girlfriend or whoever, I would say just don’t speak! Just sit there and do nothing…because what is the alternative? Feeling entitled to have a control speak outburst?! What is the point and where will it get you?? I’ve learned..nowhere.

    I may sound harsh here…I feel an affinity because I was having the EXACT SAME dialogue you seem to be having with myself last night.

    Sending good energy your way!!!



  73.  #73Elsie on January 20, 2013 at 10:36 am

    @Olivia – Well, I agree. My mom just has outbursts and feels like – just because she has an emotion everyone else needs to accomodate it – so you are absolutely right.

    But……I”m supposed to lean back. And sometimes I just dont feel like leaning back. I want to jump in and scream – why havent you called me? why dont you think about me as much as I think about you? why arent you doing everything to see me today? etc etc. I know it makes me sound needy and desperate but sometimes I really just want to scream those things.

    Like today – he hasnt texted me. I have a couple of things I would like to tell him. But I sort of feel like I should lean back, especially after the emotionally charged week we have had.

    I can sort of take and absorb all of those emotions because I am ENFJ, and he is ISTP and needs more alone time than me etc. I am a huge fan and follower of the Myers Briggs scale. It has made my realtionships better because I understand how I am and how other people are, and then how I can deal with them.

    When I found out about it this summer it was really an eye opener. I just thought that everyone felt the same way about things, and it was amazing to see that they dont – and thats not good or bad, just different.

    Now, if he needs time alone, and I dont I’m not hurt I understand…..well, sometimes. 🙂 I just need more right now –

    I guess I need reassurance.

    I wish I didnt need the reassurance.

    Ok – I”m rambling now…LOL

    Elsie



  74.  #74Indigo on January 20, 2013 at 10:48 am

    Hey Elsie

    I used to be the queen of needing reassurance when a guy wasn’t contacting me, and although I still have a bit to go on this journey, Dominique’s articles on communication COMPLETELY turned around the way I saw this whole thing, and made it much easier for me to reverse my feelings around this whole thing.

    I guess because it helped me so much, I’m always recommending them 🙂

    But I so get how you’re feeling. Doing lovely, caring things for yourself helps a lot too. Are you able to give that reassurance to yourself?



  75.  #75Elsie on January 20, 2013 at 11:08 am

    @Indigo – no. I cant. I cant give the reassurance to myself. I dont know why I cant but I cant. I want to – I know I need to, but if I”m being honest….I just cant.

    What articles by Dominique? I”m interested….

    Elsie



  76.  #76k2012 on January 20, 2013 at 11:16 am

    Tereana (64). he said it was “my fault” for believing those things. What a piece of audacity. So he turned it back around on u. What a moron! My goodness.



  77.  #77Sunflower on January 20, 2013 at 11:18 am

    Indigo, where can I find that article?

    @ Elsie, I know what you mean. And yet, doesn’t it actually feel good when a man springs back- I get this ‘yeah’ feeling- like got you, feeling. And , I do actually feel happy to hear from pull away and back man..:). And if I had found him atrractive..i even feel a bigger grin.

    But right next to it I feel a irritated feeling, and a fear that this will become a pattern if I don’t express my boundary right then.

    But maybe what Indigo says make sense. Just leanback, and watch for a bit. I have learnt to drop men if it actually becomes a pattern- so maybe we need to trust orselves more.



  78.  #78Lori on January 20, 2013 at 11:30 am

    Hi ladies,
    I hit the town again last night with a girlfriend. We had so much fun! I made a change from the bar/club that I would have normally went to a more upscale place. We had a great time!

    To top it off, K texted me at 2 a.m. and said “Honey, just woke up and thought of you. I’ll call you tomorrow”. I was still out…hehehe….and saw it right away. But, I didn’t respond until this morning around 10 a.m.



  79.  #79Indigo on January 20, 2013 at 11:39 am


  80.  #80Indigo on January 20, 2013 at 11:39 am


  81.  #81Indigo on January 20, 2013 at 11:41 am

    For Elsie & Sunflower 🙂



  82.  #82Sunflower on January 20, 2013 at 11:47 am

    Thanks Indigo..:)



  83.  #83k2012 on January 20, 2013 at 11:58 am

    “But, I didn’t respond until this morning around 10 a.m.” Good Lori, good. Glad to hear u enjoyed yourself. Wanted to go out with a girlfriend last night myself but I was totally exhausted. Told my friend next week. Ladies with online dating experiences, ur stories are very interesting. I will soon comment on them as I am about to have dinner. Will post after dinner.



  84.  #84Violette on January 20, 2013 at 11:59 am

    Elsie remember, men really have no sense of time! They get caught up with their stuff, often work, and then they remember the woman, but it’s on their own timeline.

    Of course yes there are men who respect a woman’s timeline too!



  85.  #85Elsie on January 20, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    THANK YOU so much for the articles – I just read them – good words Indigo.

    I know that he thinks like this. There was one weekend two weekends ago and we texted back and forth non stop. And then the next weekend, nothing. When I asked him if everything was ok at work on Monday – he just looked puzzled. Not mad, just sincerely confused. He was like yah I decided to watch the entire series of American Horror Story or whatever its called LOL. The weekend just sort of got away from him. LOL.

    LEAN BACK……I need to just leeeeeeaaaan back.

    Elsie



  86.  #86Dominique on January 20, 2013 at 12:16 pm

    Emerson – 10 – Almond milk is great, and another even better option is hemp milk.

    xxoo



  87.  #87Dominique on January 20, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    Indigo – 18 – Pretty lingerie feels SO good. I only own gorgeous lingerie and never leave the house without. It doesn’t have to cost a lot either.

    xxoo



  88.  #88Dominique on January 20, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    Sunflower – 55 – Instead of attempting to control the situation (something we all have the urge to do,for it gives a semblance of feeling safer), how about staying open and curious and allowing things to unfold as they do.

    If you keep your life full, you won’t notice so much if he withdraws a bit.

    xxoo



  89.  #89Luzydel on January 20, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    I fell better today; “S” was a necessary mistake in my life; the sex with him sucked, he had no papers in this country but still acted like an american and lied about having all these properties that ended up being not his.
    He married his “american girl” and now can pretend all he wants; I know he’s a fake and being with him taught me not to compromise those things that are important to me. I am not against marriage, but not for a guy who just wants to fix his status.

    It is very common for people who are not legal in this country to bring up marriage very soon; women please be careful it feels flattering, but men are not so easy when it comes to marriage.

    I talked to “K” who is a new man in my life and I felt so much better, he is so smart… I don’t know if we will end up being more or not, but right now I feel heard by him and I am happy with that.

    PizzaCd is another guy I am talking to and again it is all very platonic, but it feels good.



  90.  #90Dominique on January 20, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    Emerson – I wrote several posts to you on the last thread.

    Thank you Indigo for posting those links. 🙂

    xxoo



  91.  #91Lori on January 20, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    K2012, we had so much fun! I’m working on raising my degree of difficulty and recognizing that I’m a high value woman. The location change made a difference too as the type of men/people there were higher value. The way they behaved, spoke, dressed, big difference.

    Dominique, my Christmas present to myself this last year was to get a new bra fitting and then bought myself several matching sets of new and sexy lingerie. I love to wear it! It helps me to feel sexy and beautiful. 🙂



  92.  #92Lori on January 20, 2013 at 12:36 pm

    I’m reading Rori’s revised book and recognizing some things. One of the things K really likes about me is my ability to listen and talk. We both communicate well with each other. I think he feels “safe” to express himself.

    I was a little floored by his late night text but made sure to not react. I didn’t ignore his text but I certainly took my time getting back to him. 🙂



  93.  #93Emerson on January 20, 2013 at 1:43 pm

    Thanks Dominique I will look for your posts!

    Elsie pof is a dating website



  94.  #94Emerson on January 20, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    BlueCD texted me to meet today but then dropped the ball and I didn’t hear any more from him. Strange. I have plans already and I don’t want last minute plans but still he didn’t know that and it’s kind of weird… Maybe he’s just akward and not “smooth”



  95.  #95k2012 on January 20, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    Uliii (56)” I simply got bored at the end. And there was no real effort coming from him.”. Ulii, my dear, the same thing crossed my mind yesterday. I AM getting bored. So Emerson basically what he wants to do is just chat. What h should do is invite u out, not to his house!!!! I wouldn’t go either. He should have taken u on a date. “I don’t want that… But here I am still replying to his texts. Ugh. Truth is I am curious about him, he is attractive and has a fun personality……… he has yet to ask me for formal plans ahead of time even if its just coffee…” Emerson, this guy only wants to chat online. Did u ever talk on the phone. Elsie, same question for u- did u and your husband ever talk on the phone during those 3 months of chatting online. Did u ever speak to each other on the phone (hearing each others voices during those 3 months?



  96.  #96Emerson on January 20, 2013 at 2:11 pm

    Yea I’ve talked to blueCD on the phone a few times but not for a couple weeks

    My goal is to no longer reply to texts



  97.  #97k2012 on January 20, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    Everyone is different eh, when it comes to various issues. Noting the timelines with regards to ladies involved in online dating. For me if it was a total stranger, that is if I met overseas cd on a dating site and I didn’t know him any at all before the dating site, I would say chatting online for 3 weeks with no phone contact would be okay as IF HE IS A TOTAL STRANGER, then I would defintely have to be careful and I would transfer to the phone after about 1 month and of course meet another week after. I think that’s fairly reasonable to me. However, while I have not physically metOverseas CD, he is NOT a total stranger as our alumni introduced us online and prior to this regular interaction, we used to say hi to each other, happy birthday to each other and so on. Therefore after 3 weeks of chatting online, one would expect that we would graduate to the phone by now. When I asked him Elsie and other ladies, he said “in time, my dear, in time.” I am not asking him again.



  98.  #98Senior Lady Vibe on January 20, 2013 at 2:42 pm

    Re:
    “My Dog’s Doing Better – And It’s Making Me Think About Our Women’s Bodies And Chemistry”
    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 6:28pm
    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/physical-health-and-chronic-illness/my-dogs-doing-better-and-its-making-me-think-about-our-womens-bodies-and-chemistry/#more-5408

    Rori says: “…I’m also knee-deep in endocrine system research (because that’s how I like to do things…)…”

    I’m knee-deep in research too. Exploring can be fun.

    SLV
    xoxo



  99.  #99k2012 on January 20, 2013 at 2:46 pm

    Oh and ladies, he is on my friends list on FB. We added each other after being introduced. When members of our alumni joined facebook, once we heard that u were from our school, we did not hesitate to add u. Once u went to x school, we added u to our profiles. If no one suggested u as a friend and u wanted to add me on your own, before I add u, I would just clarify where I knew u from, as sometimes u don’t remember people. Once u told me u went to X school, I would add u. Yes so one would figure that since he is not a total stranger, based on the introduction, he would have asked for my phone number to call me by now. I mentioned it twice to him. I said,”it would feel good to hear ur voice” and that was when he said for the second time,”in time my dear, in time.” He contacted me today and I am going to go back to the discussion about “what do I want.” I am going to tell him what I want and I am not going to ask again what he wants. It is evident like ur friend Emerson that he only wants to chat online. If that continues, most likely, I will lose interest (it has started already) and reduce contact. But not to worry still, as whether he wants a real relationship, whatever he wants, I AM PLANNING TO CIRCULAR DATE anyway, so I am not going to be too concerned. I believe as someone else said on the previous thread that maybe he doesn’t want a long distance relationship. That could be it too. In light of the circular dating plan, I don’t think I will become virtually attached to him because I will have other options, thank God.



  100.  #100Dominique on January 20, 2013 at 2:51 pm

    Yes Lori, yes, – 90. May I ask where you went? I would love to find a place that does personal fittings.

    xxoo



  101.  #101k2012 on January 20, 2013 at 2:53 pm

    Hairdresser/relationship counsellor with the spiritual gift told me that long distance relationships which starts while one partner is overseas, will not work. She said if the person is out here in my country with me and one of us decide to migrate, that’s different, but when it starts overseas, it will not work. I will listen to her as she is guided by the Holy Spirit. I will listen.



  102.  #102Rori Raye on January 20, 2013 at 2:54 pm

    Karyn – Welcome – and I’m so right with you. First thing I ask all my clients is to stop eating sugar and gluten and dairy. Both as a nutritive test – let’s see what that does – and as a starter place to work at self-discipline. If you can do this, you can change the way you speak and think. Love, Rori



  103.  #103Emerson on January 20, 2013 at 3:26 pm

    Just the short time I looked at pof earlier… I feel tired from it. It’s so draining somehow. I’d like to explore why it’s so draining to me. Maybe cuz I’m constantly adjusting my expectations and reminding myself these guys could be fakes or felons or married…. Ugh



  104.  #104Emerson on January 20, 2013 at 3:34 pm

    I went from high to low.



  105.  #105k2012 on January 20, 2013 at 3:44 pm

    “And reminding myself these guys could be fakes or felons or married…. Emerson-103. Is dating websites u talking right? That statement is precisely the reason why some people don’t bother with online dating. That’s why I “hee haw” (saying I won’t do it and then afterwards say I will do it.) Basically changing my mind every minute.



  106.  #106Femininewoman on January 20, 2013 at 3:49 pm

    Elsie consider that WHAT ARE YOU DOING is control speak. FMs is surrender speech. As in a speech that helps you to look square at yourself. Getting to know yourself better so you can help your Mr, Right to get to know you. If you can’t be warm aned open at least be authentic by speaking your truth. Someitmes I tell people I don’t trust myself to speak reasonable or maintain a rational composure so I prefer not to engage with them. Depending on who it is I will even say I feel like snapping of their head.



  107.  #107Femininewoman on January 20, 2013 at 3:54 pm

    I have found that guys can be very honest and open up front. I had one guy tell me straight up that he issues with the authorities from years back that he is still affected by. At his senior age he was forced to go live with his mom as a result. I did not ask he volunteered it because as he said he was looking for a relationship. Many men know that to be successful in relationships they have to be honest.



  108.  #108k2012 on January 20, 2013 at 4:01 pm

    Well here I ago again. Just got an email from one of the dating sites I have registered on with the latest men my age. I read but didn’t go on to actually look at the men. I have changed my mind AGAIN. I think in light of the fact that my first cd is online and overseas at that, I think my next method of finding guys is going to be by going out. At some point, maybe after meeting a few guys in person using to meeting face to face method, I will try online dating again. But in light of the fact that I am already interacting online with someone, the next method of finding guys will definitely be by physically meeting them.



  109.  #109FlowerChild77 on January 20, 2013 at 4:06 pm

    “… and reminding myself these guys could be fakes or felons or married…. Ugh.”

    How is this any different than meeting men in real life? (They can, just as easily, lie to us in person.)



  110.  #110Emerson on January 20, 2013 at 4:10 pm

    108 k2012
    Nothing wrong with switching things up …. I go back and forth on how I choose to meet people and there have been times I really focused on the online thing and for the past year or so I have not a all. Now I’m ready to look into it again, maybe.
    I see some of the same men on there that I saw back then omg… One guys profile says “get me off this site” but he’s been on for over a year hmmm am I being judgmental? He’s kinda goofy too and yet his expectations are very very high and he wants the perfect girl it seems. No wonder he is still on the site!



  111.  #111k2012 on January 20, 2013 at 4:22 pm

    110 Emerson, I am cracking up. Lol. He wants the perfect girl. Maybe next year this time, he will still be on the site. Lol. Emerson, I am glad u are still on here. I am totally confused with overseas cd. I told him I was going to church today. He asked a while ago how was church and if I said a prayer for “US”. I was shocked. My mouth dropped open. I told him yes. He asked me to fill him in on the prayer. So I told him what I said and then I said to him that I am not sure if he is interested in me. I am confused. I can’t be bothered.



  112.  #112Lori on January 20, 2013 at 4:25 pm

    Dominique – 100, I went to Dillards, it’s a store specific to the state where I live. She was awesome!



  113.  #113Femininewoman on January 20, 2013 at 4:35 pm

    waaaahhh I thought today was the last day for the upgraded book at the special price. I just tried and got “sorry”. 🙁



  114.  #114FlowerChild77 on January 20, 2013 at 4:50 pm

    Dominique…they do personal fittings at Victoria Secret. My daughter buys all her bras from there. (It’s the only place she can find a bra that fits her perfectly.)



  115.  #115FlowerChild77 on January 20, 2013 at 4:51 pm

    FW…I didn’t look at the dates, but I would have thought the offer would be through the weekend 🙁



  116.  #116Emerson on January 20, 2013 at 4:59 pm

    Thanks k2012
    I don’t know what to say about overseasCD.. But, again and again it rings true for us to stay out if the man’s head and continue to cd ourselves, men and friends….it helps a lot ..
    I am CDing my friend tomorrow and then afterwards i am attending an industry meeting where lots of men are and people of influence as well. It’s totally out of my comfort zone, but will be good.



  117.  #117Dominique on January 20, 2013 at 5:03 pm

    Thank you Lori and Flowerchild.

    xxoo



  118.  #118Silver-Tongued Siren on January 20, 2013 at 5:37 pm

    I have responses for a couple of people who responded to me from the last post (Turquoise and..Linda?) ..but my computer got shut down in the middle of writing, so I will have to find/copy them over here later.

    I have felt so lonely and a little anxious being here out of my home. In a random house that doesn’t belong to me, where I have to leave in a few days and find another, with no way to secure a place at all. Esp since I have the little one with me.

    This weekend has felt interesting. I feel like I am doing ok, overall.. I feel depressed, I pray, I keep picking myself up, washing the dishes, handling things. If I can just get my energy off MILW and onto me consistently.

    I am considering naming him something else – as Man I Live With doesn’t feel like a good name. I will decide on one later. Right now I don’t know what I want with him. I feel very confused energetically as it is hard to maintain fire for any relationship if you are not present, but he has forced me to “give him space”. I think his world has gotten too confusing for him and honestly I think he didn’t know what else to do. I think things feel extreme and confusing for him right now. I do want to be with him forever, I do love him, but I also need him to get a handle on himself and figure himself out. I feel bad, I do not want to leave him alone with this, I do think he has a personality disorder/chemical issue that is causing faulty perceptions for him, and the reality he sees are very different than what I see sometimes, and he goes back and forth, up and down, with his perceptions, I appears to feel very confusing for him. I don’t think he sees this, and even when I see truth click for him when I try to show him what’s going on, .. I do not think he is fully aware of this enough to address it or to even be able to see what he needs to address. I feel deeply sad and scared and wonder if he is capable of seeing clearly long enough or consistently enough to get past this. I think if he really tries, he can, and I a praying he does, because want him to feel happy, and able to feel real love.

    I would never quit, I love him and am able to hold space for him and keep surfing. I may not always get all my own needs met, but that’s life. We want to get our needs met as consistently as possible, but I also know a good marriage is more about what I can give than what I can get. I intend a good balance, but things in life go up and down, just like the last few months have been very up and down, .. stand there long enough and it’ll change. so I’d rather stand where I am and grow. I just have to learn also the balance of backing off in ways he can feel which has been hard since I have an extremely well attached very young child in my care full time without any help.
    Also I have been learning how to rely on God to meet my needs rather than my partner so that I can put less pressure on him and lean back that way. It works well and I am increasing my ability to do that.

    Right now, being away from MILW and just emotionally exhausted and physically exhausted, with the stress of wondering how I will find a secure place to stay with no resources, or what will happen to us, and feeling lonely and etc.. And so being exhausted I just feel TIRED.. of the interactions with MILW. That’s a good thing, it helps me STOP giving, stop jumping, stop answering right away, stop calling, stop texting, just STOP. I know that he always comes back and I feel myself relax as I know these women he has been having sex with recently are nothing, (they fail at relationships and will never get past sex, any relationship would just blow up anyway). .. It’s just distraction for him. He is lonely for me but he also doesn’t know how to handle our relationship right now.

    He has things he needs from me (like calling me about online accounts we have that only I have access to, for our house and things like that, and I guess I can answer back about that, he is paying my car insurance and phone right now..). He has also tried to contact me to spend time together but I don’t want “just friends” which he says we need to get back to basics and if I won’t do that then there is nothing and i’ve lost him. I know he wants me in his life though.

    Once in the past, I DID let go of what we had to “be” in order to spend time together and it went right back to romantic context. That seems to suggest it would be the same this time, and I have considered allowing it.. but I’m not sure.

    I also am figuring out how to handle things regarding my stepdaughter as I think it’s healthy to maintain my connection with her, for her sake most importantly, and also I think .. why push out of my life what I intend IN my life. It’s just the interacting with him over it that I’d like to avoid, and will as much as possible.

    I miss him. He hasn’t called all weekend other than to ask for info he needed (perhaps bc we had an unpleasant interaction friday and he said 28-day break, but I think he’ll be contacting me anyway. He also asked about something our “roommate” needed (roommate is crazy and should leave, I feel GLAD to leave that man and one condition of our future relationship (myself and MILW) is that this man is banned from our home or hanging out.

    I am really going to have to be strong in my boundaries in the future – it’d be easier if I were more financially able.. but I suppose leaning back in any way is good. I have always had difficulty learning how to lean back in a relationship/marriage where you aren’t just going to LEAVE if you don’t like something, you work it out, you live in the same HOUSE. But I am learning.

    So I had all these requirements for MILW to be able to come back into my life, but I feel uncertain whether I can ask those things upfront, rather, IF they happen, I can then give FM, OR better, just back off (since FM trigger feeling controlled for him occasionally still).

    I will have to think about each of these requirements and how to approach each one.

    More on MILW and responses to you guys who asked questions in a while.



  119.  #119BeLoved on January 20, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    I feel easy and at peace today…a good day shared with good friends!

    I have a mirror I’m refinishing – at first it was purple and later I thought…who am I kidding? I have ghetto taste, I really do so I got some red and gold metal fleck car spray paint and coated the heck out of that thing. My friend came over today and asked me to take it out in the sun to show her…
    which caught the attention of a neighbor I haven’t met, who said, “Girl, we need to hook up. I’ve got stuff that will blow you away.” and proceeded to bust out with her collection of professional auto paint with micah, flecks, color-changing enamel…you name it, she has it.

    I got a little weak in the knees…
    one of my fantasies of C was that he and I would work together on paint projects in his shop and he would teach me some stuff.

    Thank you, life, for dropping new possibilities in my lap!!!

    I feel excited about the new men who will come into my life.
    B brought out my entrepeneurial, artistic and entertainer aspects.

    T brought out my passion for NLP and psychedelic music

    M brought out my passion for relationships and intimacy

    C brought out the vulnerable, tender, strong, humanitarian, flamboyant, eccentric, loves-the-shiny-and-bling aspects of myself

    I feel curious about me and wonder what other amazing gems I will discover inside of me?? 😀

    A friend of mine gave me a lead on a local place where I will be able to host my dream playshop with no money upfront, and I’ll get great advertising…plus she and my other dream team friend are excited to participate with me.

    I’m feeling so confident – my gifts are unfolding and I’m finally feeling like now I get why I had to go through all I did, to become who I am and instead of crying “why me?” I fall on my knees in gratitude and thank G0d it was me…all of that stuff made me who I am and made the life that is unfolding for me now possible, and I get to be a blessing to this world.

    Yumyumyum
    Life is so so so so good.



  120.  #120Sha-sha on January 20, 2013 at 6:02 pm

    @ silver tongue siren! 🙂 I just read ur post and I’m feeling very sad for U! May I ask U a question? U dnt have answer if u dnt want to … wht makes a women or any women stay with a man that always sleeps around with other women? I’ve personal never experienced this is my life but I do have a lot of girl friends that have.. they stay with abusive men and men that cheat all the time! it can’t be just love that keeps women there is it? Me personally I was with a man for 7yrs we had a great relationship one night I woke him up cuz I was filling frisky and he woke up outta his sleep and beat me up pretty bad….but for me that was a deal breaker I never went back to him all my love was gone and I left till this day he says that was the biggest mistake of his life and he lost the best women…….and we had a almost perfect life and relationship he never hit or said anything bad…. I’m just so curious on wht makes women stay and try to work things out for so many years thanks much respect xoxo



  121.  #121Violette on January 20, 2013 at 6:03 pm

    Has anyone dealt with impotence in a partner? It seems that’s what’s up with C, and I really don’t want to deal with it, but I don’t feel ready to let him go, so wondering what dealing with it looks like to anyone who’s been there?



  122.  #122MovingMagic on January 20, 2013 at 6:23 pm

    I love, love, love that Beloved!!



  123.  #123Lori on January 20, 2013 at 6:32 pm

    I had been chatting with a CD for the last few days. Met him yesterday for a drink before my friend and I went out. He pursued me so aggressively that it really put me off. So today I told him that I’m just not comfortable with him. His response “Goodbye”. This may sound bad but I laughed. I felt like a bone with a dog. Yuck.



  124.  #124Lori on January 20, 2013 at 6:39 pm

    Question ladies: I’m rereading Rori’s book and am going over the 4 rules. I have been driving to see K. It’s an hour and a half drive. This has been because of his work that he doesn’t have the time. Once I’m there, he takes care of everything for me.

    I noticed that his text to me last night was a lot “warmer” than it had been in a while. I’ve been working on my feminine energy, cding and leaving him alone. He said he would call today. He generally does what he says he will do but today is the NFL playoffs. I’m not really expecting him to call today. If he does call, I would like to answer but am wondering if I should shake it up. I’m always available and answer. If he asks me if I could come into town this week, should I say yes? I really would like us to have the opportunity to talk.



  125.  #125k2012 on January 20, 2013 at 7:16 pm

    yes Lori, i think u should say yes.



  126.  #126k2012 on January 20, 2013 at 7:44 pm

    Flowerchild 77 (109), u have a good point there u know. They can lie to us in real life too. So true. I think however that some persons might hold the view that online is riskier. I believe that is the feeling.



  127.  #127Silver-Tongued Siren on January 20, 2013 at 8:20 pm

    Keeping Mind off MILW/ Wknd Part 1

    I have been pretty lonely and trying to keep busy with other things to keep my mind off MILW.

    I was sick Wednesday and Thursday. (allergies, bad).

    Friday my friend A found out Saturday I would be without baby and asked me to come over and cuddle “like we used to” (I stayed with him for a few weeks once a few yrs ago when I needed to.) I said yes Friday but cancelled on Saturday. I felt bad, he is lonely, but I really felt baby ending up staying with me instead of going for an overnight was the priority, plus BF stayed over. Bonus.

    BF (Bio-Father) had texted Wed to ask when would be the best day (TH/FR or FR/SAT) to come over to play with baby and then next day take him to spend the night. And he said “What do you think?” LOL!! I have been doing this with him for a long time but he doesn’t seem to ever care what I think (since his ego-takes-us-to-court trip circa April ’12) So this was a good sign. I said FR/SAT.

    He also empathized with me feeling sick and had suggestions (typically he is NO conversation). and was helpful and wishing me to feel better. He has been a bit warmer lately tho he has not initiated any affection, only being more responsive than usual, making eye contact, being conversational, rather than ignoring me and being aloof. and not getting angry when I occasionally touch him by habit, lol.

    I was in love with this guy once. Until I met MILW. Even then after a year or two with MILW, during a short time apart (a few weeks) I realized I did still like BF (tho I still wanted to stay with MILW). My interests have changed, and we don’t have that much in common now but I did like how I felt with him.

    Over the years though I have realized that tho I always felt important with BF (when I was actually physically WITH him, not when he was away from me seeing others) – and our visits were always playful, I feel bored, because he never makes PLANS for us to do anything, (events, parties, etc- always just dinner, or whatever I want to do, but pretty much NEVER has suggestions).

    He also isn’t as initiating or responsive with affection as I’d like, and is very aloof at times esp if he is cautious, mad or ego-crazy or needing space. He isn’t very expressive of his feelings verbally. He has NEVER bought me a gift (feels he’s a bad gift giver, but ONCE, two christmases ago made me a present – a special oil) or done anything special for me for any holiday – except ONCE recently.

    He was beginning to have feelings for me, at the time, but then stopped a year later, probably because he started seeing someone else and also got jealous of things to do with the baby and MILW. We had sex a few times when there were problems with MILW pushing me away (which I didn’t understand at the time, now see as bipolar behavior).

    I lost all feelings for BF when he took us to court over baby this last year. I don’t trust him anymore – at least, when his ego comes into play, I can see he loses his head and doesn’t care about anyone but himself at that time. That is why I didn’t think I felt anything for him anymore.

    But, he has been warmer lately, and when he texted me this week, I thought about seeing if he wanted to stay over, since he had the opportunity to stay in a house alone with me without MILW having access. (For a year and a half, he stayed over with me every time he visited, at home with MILW. Never minded that MILW was there or that I was with MILW – because he didn’t want to get married or anything. To him I was always a friend with benefits from when we met – tho we were not having sex when I was with MILW except a few times when there were pushing-away issues).

    I felt like given the circumstances of the last year (court) and BF’s aloofness/protectiveness of himself, if I wanted BF to stay over or do anything together, I’d have to be vulnerable and ask. Because I don’t think he would have, or at least not for a long long time and here I am in this house right now alone.

    He came over Friday, played for a few hours. He laid next to me on the bed. (another sign of connection). He left to meet a potential roommate at 6pm. I asked if he wanted to come back later. He didn’t hear me (?), so I asked again ..and said “you could” and immediately felt small. He said “mayybeee……” sounding positive.
    I didn’t know how to pin that down.

    I left when he did, ran some errands, came back 2 hrs later and texted him:
    “Left when you did, heading back now. Movie n cuddles would feel fun, what do you think?

    an hour later, I texted “Yes? I am feeling some soft sweet evening coziness. Cuddling Only. Unless you’re VERY inspiring. 😉 Yes cuddling and movies? Do you want to? Baby is dreamy already.” (in reality I truly intended only cuddling).

    40 minutes later I said “ok, following my heart I felt like I should be vulnerable and ask, but guess that’s not a yes! Ohhh well.”

    It felt weird leaning forward, but I never do this. Also, I have/had(?!) no feelings for him, so I thought I’d experiment, and I can always lean back. I am not sure what made me want to invite him over. I guess that I wanted company, plus bonus would be the baby not having to be traumatized by leaving, (he is traumatized just by the sight of BF). I had the opportunity and he might feel good with it since we weren’t at home with MILW.

    No response!
    Then he responded a few hours later (11:30/midnight) “When have I ever been less than inspiring?!”

    HAHAHA. I had a feeling that would get him wondering. I didn’t answer back though, he was invited at 5, went to his appointment at 6, was texted after and never responded til then. ?!

    When he came in the morning (LATE – because he was on the internet), he never said what he was doing, just that.. “maybe he didn’t feel inspired” =p haha. He stayed to play a while to get baby convinced to go.



  128.  #128Silver-Tongued Siren on January 20, 2013 at 8:21 pm

    wknd – pt 2

    Since he commented on it, a while later I said “for the record, you’re always VERY inspiring. When you want to be.”

    Over the next few hours, he hung out with us inside, eventually laid next to me on the bed, tickled me back when I tickled him (bc the baby was trying), and allowed closeness between us physically – a little hesitant but not refusing it, and finally snuggled his face close to mine, and caressed my leg while I nursed the baby.

    I asked if he wanted to take the baby out for a walk in the stroller, come back, and have cuddles and a movie tonight?… He said maybe! if I was nice to him! lol. we’ve always had a lot of playful banter back and forth. of course there is some truth to it, eh?.

    We went for a very long walk – an hour or two. On the way back, I talked about feeling hungry, things that sounded good, a pizza my sister got on special the other day, etc. he said “maybe you should order one then.” I said “maybe I will”. (=P he used to always take us to eat, I guess he felt like I was suggesting he get something? though I HAVE NEVER suggested that.) Later we passed a restaurant, I said “wish I had $ to take us someplace, etc”. We got to another place right across the st from my current place, and he suggested we eat there or order pizza, which would I like? Aw! YEAAHHH! Opening up. Now you’re coming around. 😀 Just then a good old friend I haven’t seen in years ran up to greet me!!!

    We went to the house, ordered pizza, (whatever I wanted!) I gave him SOME cash toward it, about 1/3, (encouraging his willingness? – he used to NEVER EVER take my $ and I wanted to see what he’d do, too).

    I made a salad, he made a dressing. He drove to pick up the pizza. We ate, put baby to bed, never ended up watching a movie. Instead just cuddles.

    Lots of closeness, caressing, affection. I was serious about cuddling only. It felt good to be near him, feel his openness after a year without it, smell him, touch his hair, and especially his face, and to feel his touch.

    Feelings began to awaken in me.. smelling him, touching him like I used to. And I like the care I feel when he touches me – very slowly, very softly, .. somehow i feel caring energy – and I didn’t know there was any left. He still cares. Even though he made up his mind he would never get married, and made up his mind he’d never marry me even tho he was coming back here to see his baby. But he began to care there somewhere. And he cares now even after all this court mess and meanness he dragged me through.

    I found myself wondering what it would be like if we were together and thoughts running through my head about lots of scenarios. And still feeling love for MILW and not wanting to have him lose his connection with baby due to BF’s attitude.

    It felt comforting to be touched sweetly, kindly, caringly, with such presence. I felt our energetic exchange/connection which always felt strong to me – as in when we used to have sex, not much talking, LOTS of communication through energy and touch.

    After much of this he began to get turned on and so did I. I wanted to experience this true exchange for as long as possible without it being run over by sexual energy, so I did. I felt every little surge of energy and every feeling and thought I had, .. and shared very little FM – because I think the physical experience was understood. But did tell him that it felt good to be close, and that touching him was awakening feelings in me.. that felt.. connected, it felt good. he didn’t say anything but responded to hugs and closeness. Later I let him touch me..just to see the affect his caring energy had on me. He never tried to have sex with me, he turned away to calm down. I asked if he wanted to go to the other room, and he said yes, and we went and .. the energy was perfect. It felt like making LOVE, – but we never got to that part, lol. I asked if he had any protection. He said yes and got it, but he set it aside. (we almost always used to use it and have EVERYtime since the baby). He tried to go ahead. I said no, not without anything – He wanted to be inside me without any protection (sorry if TMI for some of you). He tried several times, as I told him no (not a good time of month), that I had JUST started getting SOME sleep after 2.5 years lol, AND, just remember that’ll cost a few thousand dollars (for a midwife) lol, he laughed, and said please, let me just for a minute. He kept trying. I told him until we are both prepared for this, I think we shouldn’t. and he tried again………………….

    But it didn’t feel disrespectful at all. I felt myself analyzing, but my feeling sense was that he was purposeful and wanted to be close to me and did not care if I got pregnant again. That thought felt good. I wish I knew if that was how he felt. I wish I knew how to express myself about something like that, but I felt like it would be too much to ask him that straight out at that moment.

    Well, of course as he put on protection and we were actually going to get on with it, the baby woke up. He came with me to put baby back to sleep for 15 minutes, and we tried again but by then were both too tired to accomplish anything. This morning he got up to leave to go do some work, ended up hanging around for an hour and a half, wouldn’t kiss me when I wanted to..? other than a couple of small quick kisses, .. but he has never in the past really kissed me outside of sex other than quick kiss on the mouth. then again we’ve never been in a rlsp), but I hate that! I want kisses, REAL kisses, everyday! Kisses are good for relationships.

    I think he felt good feeling close to each other again, but I don’t know what he thinks it was – I don’t think he knows about MILW & I, or about me moving (other than if he GUESSED from his glimpse of boxes and my housesitting). I wonder what he will do now. I am just going to lean back and continue not initiating any talk, and see what he does between now and next baby visit.



  129.  #129Sunflower on January 20, 2013 at 8:22 pm

    Dominique-88-thankyou. Loved your article, and found it very helpful 🙂



  130.  #130Silver-Tongued Siren on January 20, 2013 at 8:26 pm

    I had a great wknd, busy too, but that was the most interesting connection I had this wknd. … Feeling curious to see what happens.

    I would be scared if he actually wanted to be together. lol.

    I wonder if he has had any second thoughts about us since his mom died (and she and all his family wanted us to get married).

    blahhhh.
    I am so sleepy tonight. much to do this coming wk. including second change of location potentially.

    house is empty, haven’t gone anywhere today, wish I had, as i feel crazy being in the house all day today, with no more company. but baby is asleep so I can’t do anything.

    Have been listening to Modern Siren, I think I am on part 5 now. I really liked Heather, the pole dancer, and her expression about being present, being slow, playful, etc. She seems like someone I would meet in my crowd. I am really feeling inspired with Rori’s videos.

    ok going to read and catch up some!



  131.  #131Emerson on January 20, 2013 at 10:46 pm

    Hi again sirens!
    Omg blueCD called me and left a strange/akward message for me that I think he’s asking me out for next weekend…

    At first I was judging harshly,,like um why is he leaving me such a weird message? then I realized awwwww!!!!

    I switched and realized he may be just akward and not “a smooth talker”…

    He’s getting the benefit of the doubt and ill call him back tomorrow!



  132.  #132Emerson on January 20, 2013 at 10:49 pm

    Ive talked to him on the phone before… He’s fun to talk to, but not what is call suave, which I like …

    RecycledCD is more suave but he’s also a liar and a cheater.

    In other news (more important),
    I bought some new shower gels and sprays with a store credit I had and I’m so happy, I smell yummy!



  133.  #133Emerson on January 20, 2013 at 10:50 pm

    BlueCD seems nice ill meet him for drinks and appetizers and I may just rejoin pof and start meeting more guys!



  134.  #134Emerson on January 20, 2013 at 10:53 pm

    I got my paycheck so off to the store tomorrow to buy almond milk, fish and veggies to start my diet changes and see how if serves me. I have some protein shakes that contain some sugar but once they are used up I am goin to eliminate sugar for two weeks to start. When I do that I slim down soo fast!



  135.  #135Vi on January 21, 2013 at 12:30 am

    I love my fear. I love my feeling of awkwardness. I love my honesty and not trying to pretend. It feels good 🙂



  136.  #136Memulo on January 21, 2013 at 3:48 am

    Indigo,
    Thank for your kind words.

    One thing about my cd that I didn’t like in this trip. First – he made me pay for my skiing. He is not very generous. I paid both for my rentals and lift tickets. On the second day he prob didn’t feel good about something, so after I paid for the lift ticket he said – I will cover the rental (under $20).
    Another thing – at lunch there was a boy crying at our table. He dropped his food and was very upset. We had 2 chocolates packed on us (I brought them on the trip, there were more at the hotel, he only packed 2 for the ski day). Anyway – I gave the boy my chocolate. My cd finished his;)



  137.  #137Tam on January 21, 2013 at 4:05 am

    Emerson, yay, you sound great. Your posts inspired me this morning – I cut out sugar before and felt great once I got over the initial craving it phase….

    also, your dating thing. It made me wonder if I might go back on POF…although I am so bored with it…but I wonder. Maybe next month.



  138.  #138k2012 on January 21, 2013 at 4:19 am

    Emerson, u are going to meet bluecd, Finally. Wow. Let us know how that goes. How long now since u have met him online?



  139.  #139Tam on January 21, 2013 at 4:22 am

    So yesterday I went to the city with Curly.
    I asked him a favour, which is if he could drive like he has something fragile on board (he is quite an offensive driver).
    On the way there it was fine, he tried hard.
    We had a nice time, kind of. Lots of triggers for me.
    I’ve known him 2 months now, and only now it comes out that he has a temper….when driving, when talking to authorities bla bla. He has been very sweet to me all this time but I kinda knew it was lurking underneath, and now it is coming out. And I don’t like it because it makes me feel on edge. Whilst driving ‘ah that idiot’ and so on – relentless. He even raced another guy in a racing car just because he had cut him off. It was a pretty dangerous situation and I couldn’t believe he did that – just to put this into perspective, he drives a car that was at one time the fastest in the world (without a seatbelt).
    I don’t need that. He saw me sinking into my seat and apologized profusely. Well.
    Then he freaked when we couldn’t walk a certain way to the arts exhibition because it was closed off, we had to make a detour of maybe quarter mile (no big deal). He was arguing with the policeman ‘this is not common sense, we need to restore common sense bla bla bla’. I felt embarrassed. I actually eventually said ‘this is not his fault, it is his job, can we go now?’. And he got all soft and apologised to the guy and said ‘yes, I know, it just drives me crazy all this over-regulation’. Pfffffffff!!!!!!!!
    I used to have a bit of a temper but nowadays I just let it go. I can’t believe how anyone could wind himself up so much.
    Anyhow, he didn’t offer to have dinner in the city, and as a matter of fact he didn’t offer to have lunch either, he just grabbed something he liked and we shared it in the street. Well, ok.
    I can deal with that but THEN I had a massive trigger.
    He asks me to read a text because he didn’t have his reading glasses and it read: ‘let’s chat on yahoo messenger, I am kimberley..bla bla bla’
    And he said ‘oh, I don’t even know who that is!’ and then he was mumbling who it could be. And at that point I was pissed.
    So he is still exchanging numbers with women when he goes out, which of course he can do as I didn’t commit to him, BUT is that going to inspire me in any way to commit to him? Ermmmmm….think very hard old boy!! NO NO NO.
    Another trigger was that his phone was going the whole day and we had to stop all the time…I find that rude, call me old-fashioned.
    All this together turned me off him even more than I was already. I told him.
    I said that I feel weird and the more I get to know him the more distrusting I feel. Of course he was pissed. But it’s the truth.
    I mean really, dude!!
    So at the end of the evening, instead of asking me if we wanted to eat something (bearing in mind I hadn’t really eaten anything all bloody day), he says ‘oh I’d love to some to your place after grabbing some clothes at my house’ and I just replied ‘and I want an early night’.
    He was looking to get laid and wasn’t happy but he hid it pretty well and was quite nice to me.
    I was grumpy after that and took myself out for a cheap happy hour dinner – alone!!
    Try harder, Curly or bite the dust.
    Really, sounds harsh but was how I felt yesterday.



  140.  #140Tam on January 21, 2013 at 4:26 am

    Oh, and I was totally dying for a drink….and in the end just bought us some on the street…and when he wanted a coffee, we had to stop somewhere and oh, guess what, he packed not a dollar of cash for the trip and they didn’t take a card – so I had to pay for that too.
    This happened before, and I really don’t mind paying for little things as he generally takes care of the check…and then I am thinking..when did he last take me out for anything, like a dinner? Like, 6 weeks ago….and I know he is financially in a hard place…BUT packing $20 change for a trip into town….for the parking fees etc.
    As this has happened for the 3rd time now, I am wondering ‘is this deliberate?’
    It’s just annoying.



  141.  #141Tam on January 21, 2013 at 4:34 am

    I feel bad now because I concentrated on the bad things, he was nice to me too..but I feel that all this stuff is coming out now, the mask is slipping somewhat. Like it would with any man I was dating, month number 3 is coming up.
    He is a loose cannon, and he knows it. And he said ‘that’s also what you like about me’ and I kind of do but not to the extreme that it is displayed.
    MrP was also a loose cannon, but boy he had himself under total control. He also hated authority and would get very wound up BUT he knew when to shut it. And he would shut it and say how he felt in private, out of ear shot. He was too intelligent to risk anything, also driving…very reactive passive and safe driver. He would not get wound up by bad/offensive drivers, he would keep his calm and quietly say ‘did you see that? that was dangerous. he shouldn’t do that.’
    And that was the end of it.
    Curly…no, he will race him, swear and get all crazy.
    If he does that now, when we hardly know each other, I do wonder what he is like when he feels ‘free’…urgh.



  142.  #142ruth on January 21, 2013 at 4:36 am

    Tam
    it doesnt sound harsh at all
    I think you were a model of restraint!



  143.  #143Tam on January 21, 2013 at 4:41 am

    Ruth…a little voice out of cyberspace…so soothing. Thank you!! I instantly felt better, and understood, reading your little comment.
    Aw!!!!
    🙂



  144.  #144ruth on January 21, 2013 at 4:48 am

    I am the disembodied voice of reason;)

    Seriously, I might have wanted to slap him

    Im not normally a violent person but—



  145.  #145Tam on January 21, 2013 at 4:51 am

    144..he he he. I know. I had two impulses actually. One was to stomp on his phone and with that erase all the conquest’s numbers in one full sweep…(oh damn, I dropped it…and stepped on it..I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry’
    and the other one was to make him stop and get out of the car.
    BUT I couldn’t be arsed to find a bus home, basically. I reasoned there was a chance, albeit slim, that I would make it home alive.
    I did!
    The guy’s got a testosterone overload, honestly.



  146.  #146Tam on January 21, 2013 at 5:12 am

    the result os my dating experiments:
    I am still not attracting the men I can see myself with.
    What an interesting weekend. I am now almost agreeing with Curly when he says ‘I smoke weed because it calms me down’. I wanted to say: ‘keep doing that’.
    And Chubby telling me that I am ‘lost’ and need to plan my life. Yeah buddy, how about we speak again when you stopped chain smoking and over-eating/drinking. How about you plan your life, whilst worrying about mine?

    Sometimes, my voices tell me I am the one with the problem. But I do not need any substances to calm me down, to cling to or whatever else. Yeah, my life circumstances may not be exactly ordered now, but they will be and generally I am quite a happy person….perhaps that does trigger some people. I don’t know?!



  147.  #147Emerson on January 21, 2013 at 5:21 am

    Tam sorry to hear of the behavior from curly, interestingly, before I saw your last post I was going to ask if curly dabbles in drug use… Beyond pot. He sounds like the typical substance abused and when they are on their highs md lows of using their personlify changes. The reckless car driving I find so inexcusable and out of line. Very scary. Anyone who puts out life in danger is not worthy of our time. No excuse. Sorry curly.
    My favorite part is where you took yourself out for happy hour! Yay Tam you sound great despite this curly incident also rude he didn’t offer food and had no.cash. Yikes. Not thinking of your needs.
    And the text from the girl?? Omg I don’t know what to say.



  148.  #148Emerson on January 21, 2013 at 5:29 am

    Tam I’m happy to read that you feel inspired! Yes cutting out sugar is very hard for me….I do best when I have a plan for all my meals and eat on time, so my blood sugar does not drop.
    Also pof I go back and forth on.. But I did see some guys that seem nice and I feel differently now… Maybe I can look at the experience simply as meeting new friends and see what happens.. Take the pressure off myself ..

    Tam about having your life together, nobody really does. Things are always changing and we are constantly evolving …it will all fall into place …. I keep telling myself that as well..
    I don’t have it “together” at all! I woke up today and felt kind of disappointed in myself. I had to fight the nv and remind myself of all my accomplishments and what is possible.

    Also meeting blueCD is motivating me to put together a new outfit using all sirens I already own … And I feel kinda excited. Even if he’s not someone I’m interested in, it may be fun anyway I’m sure !!



  149.  #149Tam on January 21, 2013 at 5:30 am

    plus, I am increasingly becoming less tolerant in my dealings with other people also. Doormat no more.
    It feels good.
    I have a friend, who continually, since she got married, asks me to go out at the very last minute only. Because her husband doesn’t like her to go anywhere. So she will ask me to go out at the most ridiculous time, say 3pm, in the middle of a work day. And it’s that or nothing!
    So, I did that a couple of times…bent over backwards and returned to my work later.
    Only to regret it, because it is not relaxing to run off for an hour, and run back later, having had alcohol and not being able to do much.
    So she asked me again today, at last it wasn’t 5 minutes before, as per usual. I said ‘no thanks, I can do after 6’
    I know already it will be a ‘can’t do’.
    But I don’t have to keep bending myself for others all the time. I enjoy talking to her, for sure, but I firmly believe in any relationship one has to be able to make compromises…and it’s always been me.
    No more.
    I’d like a 50/50 balance and if that isn’t possible, well then I’d rather stay at home.
    End of story.



  150.  #150Emerson on January 21, 2013 at 5:32 am

    I meant to say out an outfit together from clothes I already own I don’t know what happened to that sentence. I’m typing on my phone and I can’t see lol



  151.  #151Tam on January 21, 2013 at 5:34 am

    Ah Emerson, thank you for your two posts!! Really nice to read.
    Ha, about the sugar..I had some this morning..because I reasoned I would have to eat the sugary cereal rather than throw it away, being oh-so-frugal. What a nice excuse. But I *will* start the no sugar thing once I used up what I have.
    I am with you on the other stuff you said…totally!



  152.  #152Memulo on January 21, 2013 at 5:35 am

    Tam I think going back on a dating site is a good idea. I mean what do you lose? If you don’t want to talk to them you don’t have to;) it does give you more options though



  153.  #153Tam on January 21, 2013 at 5:36 am

    The other hilarious thing is that Curly is jealous.
    But I am not the one whose phone rings 24/7. Ha!
    He got into a tizz because he didn’t hear from me Sat night and he knew I was ‘busy’. He made up a great big story about me being on a date…and spending the night elsewhere.
    Not sure how he arrived at that.
    He NEVER gets in touch with me when he is out for the evening, so what was the point he was making exactly?
    Pf.



  154.  #154Emerson on January 21, 2013 at 5:36 am

    Tam yes I don’t always mind last minute plans from friends but over and over gets old …
    BlueCD asked me last minute plans for yesterday and I said I was busy… And that I am tired of texting… And he called.

    Yay for boundaries ! Per-Rori I would have probably met him yesterday with the last minute plans but now no way



  155.  #155Tam on January 21, 2013 at 5:38 am

    152 Memulo, I somewhat agree.
    On another note, I get distracted from sorting other aspects of my life out….and well, I don’t know.
    Guess I feel ambivalent and want to spend the time with me and myself a little, further myself and be comfortable. And somehow, I am so sick of the contrived thing, when you go off to meet someone with the purpose of dating, and that whole interview thing. Interviewing a prospect.
    Somehow it feels better meeting men organically and seeing them out and about first.
    I dunno.



  156.  #156Tam on January 21, 2013 at 5:39 am

    154, Emerson I agree. And it does raise our degree of difficulty…definitely. That’s not a bad thing, also sometimes amongst friends.



  157.  #157Emerson on January 21, 2013 at 5:40 am

    153 Tam
    I had an ex that was jealous like that and it ended up he was pulling a tiger woods on me. I never cheated but he was screwing all over town. It’s who I call toxicEx



  158.  #158Tam on January 21, 2013 at 5:43 am

    157 – Emerson, that is exactly what I was wondering, especially with the history of going to pick-up places etc. I did choose trust in the beginning, as he was telling me all the right words…but the actions have not always followed…and now I wonder….maybe he is screwing all over town. I wouldn’t know. Judging by all the attention he is getting, it is a distinct and very real possibility.
    I am not choosing trust anymore, I choose to go by the evidence from now on.



  159.  #159Emerson on January 21, 2013 at 5:43 am

    155 Tam I’m with you on this…
    It does feel contrived sometimes.
    I like to meet men “organically” but online gave me some practice… It was a lot of work tho and some guys were jerks. Most were nice just no attraction.
    I have a couple friends who married from the dating sites so you never know!



  160.  #160Emerson on January 21, 2013 at 5:45 am

    I had a friend tell me once about trusting ….
    “Trust but verify”
    Interesting!
    I do have to verify!



  161.  #161Tam on January 21, 2013 at 5:46 am

    then again handing me his phone to check for him, would either lead me to suggest that he is really not doing anything with anybody else…or that he is pretty silly, giving me access to all the info.
    Could be either 😉



  162.  #162Calypso on January 21, 2013 at 5:54 am

    This is another well timed article for me – I feel like my poor body is a wreck right now and nothing I do helps. I just want to go lay down, but it hurts to lay down!

    Doc has decided that I pulled a muscle or something inside my chest wall from coughing and sneezing so hard over the last 6 weeks. It hurts sooooo bad! I’m supposed to take high doses of Ibuprophin every 4 hours – I’m fantacizing about a Morphine Drip . . .

    Meanwhile, since I’ve been sick, I have not been working out and heaven only knows what I’ve been eating and I’ve gained a ton of weight! I don’t own a scale, but my pants are all too tight and my belly is hanging out over them – it is disgusting me.

    I want to focus on getting better and feeling good about my body, but I HURT too dang much. sigh . . .



  163.  #163Linda on January 21, 2013 at 5:54 am

    Hello Sirens

    I was reading thru this thread with great interest.

    136 – Memulo – When I read your post.. I had a ewh, feeling come over me. I know your words triggered memories of how I felt about $ when I was with the man in my last relationship. It puts me off and I feel all cringie when a I read that your CD “is not very generous”…. and it seems with more than just $ with you comments about the little boy. Does he lack in the compassion department as well? I ignored issues like these in my last relationship in the beginning and I wish I hadn’t they proved to become really BIG red flags and issues. I still feel really turned off about him and his general attitude toward life and other people, even little children.

    —-

    ELise, Sunflower…and Indigo. The articles and advice from Dominque about how some men communicate or not was a real “corner turner” for me. After my melt down last week and NV fest, I was primed for a good dose of a new perspective. This is what the articles from Dominique and her advice to me on her blog gave me. (i posted the last thread about my experience).

    I can attest that something has clicked and my inner termoil… has settled into peaceful balance. What the man in my life (FavoriteCD) brought to me from his own heart and his own way was so much more touching and satisfying than anything that my almost frenzied desire and focus on hearing from him the way I thought I needed.

    My vibe must have shifted due to all of this. I spent the whole week end at home, except for a quick excursion to the paint store with my oldest daughter and her husband on Saturday. I did not even step out of the house on Sunday. FavoriteCD who is spuratic with is communication (which triggered insecurity and neediness for attention and affirmation in me), was in contact alot this week end. At one point yesterday I did not respond – decided I would practice being a bit unaccessible while I was doing some chores and taking a shower etc. He text me 4 times and called me and left a message. HA!

    The panic and neediness inside me has vanished. I feel so much better. And… the limiting self belief that if a man is not contacting me means that he is not really interested has been challanged and deleted and replaced with being concerned with leaning into me for my emotional wellbeing doing what makes me happy and being happy in this area too… and accept what he brings to me as icing on the cake (me) !

    Last night HE— the one who claimes he hates the phone and wants to throw it out the window… called me instead of his customary, and occassional good night sweet dream text. He said. “I wanted to tell you good night baby..I wish you were here with me, I miss you” !!! Whoa I did not expect that. at that moment I realized that I was feeling like a wall watered garden and it felt soo good to receive what he offered. His words were like water that landed on the my foilage kissing them and beading up on them. A STARK CONTRAST from always feeling like a dry crack barren desert instantly sucking up any drop of water that fell on it and if feeling like I would die if I did not get more.

    This blog is awesome. What a difference it has made in my wellbeing.



  164.  #164Linda on January 21, 2013 at 6:04 am

    I spend the some time yesterday looking a sexy lingerie online. I bought some. Cant wait to get it. I plan on wearing it, just like I wear high heals and dresses to work… It affects my vibe and I feel juciy and feminine! Just another way I water my garden! (wink)



  165.  #165Memulo on January 21, 2013 at 6:04 am

    Linda,

    Thank you for your inputs. About the little boy – I felt surprised that he didn’t offer ‘his’ chocolate to me! He could give it either to the same boy or to me but he did nothing. Also when we are at dinner I always offer him stuff to try from my plate. He almost never offers his food to me. If I say I’d like to try it he normally gives me a super tiny piece. It can be so small that I hardly feel the taste.



  166.  #166Memulo on January 21, 2013 at 6:07 am

    Maybe he feels that he took me to many dinners and at some point its ok if I pay for my skiing?



  167.  #167Linda on January 21, 2013 at 6:10 am

    I am gonna lean back and enjoy what life brings me today.

    Headed to the gym afterwork ( I took a 2 week break to make room for the new years resoluters crowd) LOL

    Taking care of me.

    —-

    I have a little long-haired minature doxie. He is 10. I tell him every day while I stroke his little soft furry ears and face… “he is the best dog ever”… I tell him every day !…. he just beams like a noble dog.. head held all high and then nuzzles me for more.

    My dogs garden is well watered too!

    XOXO



  168.  #168Tam on January 21, 2013 at 6:12 am

    Memulo, could be the way he was brought up..spoilt?
    My very good friend was always the princess in her family…and she categorically would always take the biggest piece of cake, or the extra cookie…when I was taught to offer it to the guest, or the friend….she was taught it is ok to take it for yourself.
    I dare say even now, at nearly 40 years old…she still has that engrained in her although she knows the etiquette…it makes me smile.
    When it happens with a man, it does not make me smile.
    But he may not even be aware that he is doing that.
    However, yes, I would apply a very judgmental thought here ‘if he is selfish/protective over his food, what other resources is he selfish/protective over?’
    Perhaps not the Rori way to look at things, but the Tam way. Depends what you can live with. Stingy people generally do not inspire me, perhaps because I love to be generous and don’t understand why they rob themselves of the pleasure of generosity..because it is a pleasure to share with others.



  169.  #169Tam on January 21, 2013 at 6:15 am

    Hm. Curly’s morning texts seem to have stopped also now, guess he is starting to realise that this is doomed…interesting.



  170.  #170Calypso on January 21, 2013 at 6:20 am

    On top of not feeling well, I had a jolt to my system last night while looking at FB. I’m friends with the people who own a small country bar and also friends with a singer who goes there pretty often – GM knows them, but is not friends with them on FB, but last night, the singer posted a bunch of pics on the bar’s timeline and guess who was in several of them . . . larger than life – GM and also his best friend, who I love and miss dearly.

    I just sat there looking at the pics and felt so small and insignificant. My heart hurts so much to accept that he would rather be there without me. He wasn’t with another woman, thank goodness, but I still felt so hurt just to see him and know that he is going on with his routine and hanging out with his friends who he introduced me to and who I now miss very much and I was just home alone sitting on the couch holding my right boob because the pain in my chest got worse when I started to cry – ok, that sort of made me laugh at myself – and that hurt too – LOL – Ouch . . .



  171.  #171Tam on January 21, 2013 at 6:23 am

    ((((Calypso))). Oh, I know that feeling only too well. Sigh. Take care of yourself really well today, ok?



  172.  #172Linda on January 21, 2013 at 6:26 am

    165… Memulo… well honestly from my heart I will say, keep in touch with how you feel about it all. It does not matter what he figures or thinks. His actions are speaking to you. Stay tuned in and take care of you. Speak up when you need to. He may not be aware of his actions.

    It does not feel good to have a man “figure” I can pay for something when he invited me. I just pick up on little details.. some are dismissable some are not.

    XO



  173.  #173ruth on January 21, 2013 at 6:28 am

    Linda

    wow

    that feels so empowering to read your posts

    Gentle hugs for you Calypso, be gentle with yourself xx



  174.  #174Linda on January 21, 2013 at 6:34 am

    I want to attract “giving” people into my life. I like to give too. I in order to have a giving person in my life I have had to learn to “lean back and receive” Ahhh KEY here for me anyway. Without the lean back part.. I was attracting “Takers”. Interesting how the universe responded when I made the shift.

    All my CD’s are givers, payers, gentlemen, practice chilvery. FavoriteCD.. he lovingly scolds me when I reach out to even open a door when he is with me. HA
    I feel like a real cherished lady when I am with him! yum



  175.  #175NewfMom on January 21, 2013 at 6:39 am

    Good morning Sirens,

    Here’s a question regarding raising your degree of difficulty.

    P has been “rubber banding” this past 2 weeks or so. He’s known that I have been CD. We talked about things yesterday (he came over to help me pack for my move).

    What he said made me pause: “I don’t want to compete,” he said. He said that he feels that since I’m seeing other men, that the pressure is higher to do something he isn’t ready to do.

    I get that, but what he doesn’t seem to get is that I have been straightforward all along in telling him that I want a committed relationship ( not necessarily with him), and I was keeping my options open.

    So, what does one do in the face of “Why should I bother?” attitudes?



  176.  #176Mercedes on January 21, 2013 at 6:42 am

    We…this pretty much sums up what I think too…

    “I would so much rather be directed through my life by an inner compass that’s looking for the most wonderful and satisfying and thrilling routes for me to take than an inner compass that’s darting around from one extreme to another in search of something ancient in my past, or something chemical from the physiology of my body.”

    Elsie: I noticed your comment above and I wonder if maybe I wrote that in a way I didn’t mean?? First of all, I truly believe in being authentic so if you are disappointed then I believe you should be able to communicate that safely while still staying open. I don’t encourage anyone to “act” a certain way (meaning pretend to be when it’s not really how you feel) but I also believe you can communicate feeling disappointed and still staying open and warm. Accept the apology warmly. Discuss his concern with your disappointment warmly. Keep your heart and mind open to what he has to say when you express your disappointment and LISTEN to what he’s saying very carefully. Don’t argue about how HE feels in response. Don’t shut down or close off when you’re telling him your feelings…express them while keeping your heart open. I didn’t however, mean to imply you should pretend to be anything other that what you are or what you feel. We can still be open and we can accept a man warmly even when we’re feeling a negative emotion such as disappointment or anger or frustration. That’s what I would have hoped I would say. I’m so sorry for giving the impression I meant to feel one way and act another. It was not my intention.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  177.  #177Femininewoman on January 21, 2013 at 6:49 am

    Memulo I am feeling cringey reading about this guy and wondering why aren’t you cdating?



  178.  #178Femininewoman on January 21, 2013 at 6:53 am

    I want to attract “giving” people into my life. I like to give too – reminds me of Rori’s Out the Window Tool. I have to find areas of passion where I can give so I can become more of a giver outside of a romantic relationship



  179.  #179Annie on January 21, 2013 at 6:55 am

    Why It Is So Hard To Leave A Toxic Man?

    When women are faced with a man with toxic qualities, we immediately try to figure out how we can change him and make him a better version of himself, instead of walking away.

    This is because Toxic Men have some really compelling POSITIVE QUALITIES. These positive qualities are a huge part of the reason why you stay with him for as long as you do.



  180.  #180Tam on January 21, 2013 at 6:56 am

    and I can’t help but point out, unhelpfully to me, that compared to all these guys, MrP was just in another galaxy. So yes, he didn’t want to commit. And he has issues that impact on his life.
    And those two variables made me feel bad at times and ultimately led me to break away from him, well mainly the non-committing.
    But in ways of making me feel safe and well taken care of, comfortable, fed and watered and happy….
    Yeah, he had it down.
    He was in another galaxy with intellect, wisdom and kindness. He could be tactless and selfish, but he was never mean or loud or irresponsible or even critical of me. Super protective. If push came to shove, and we happened to come across anything dangerous, he’d rather rip his own heart out than see me suffer or get hurt. I knew that. I really trust the guy with my life.
    He refused to take me on his motorcycle because I ‘could get hurt’, ‘it’s too dangerous’..and once we had something very wrong with the boat which could have caused a terrible accident ( we only found out later). He was totally spooked and went on and on about it and ‘if something had happened’…but it never worried me because I know he wouldn’t have done everything possible to save me, had the worst case happened.
    With all these other guys – I am not so sure….really.
    I guess that’s how I really know whom I can trust and whom I can’t.
    I think it’s something very basic in human nature, almost like dogs and their sense of smell. My sense of safety and trust can’t be fooled by words. I feel the trust and the safety feeling, or I don’t.



  181.  #181Tam on January 21, 2013 at 6:58 am

    Sometimes I don’t think there is such a thing as a ‘toxic man’, perhaps he is just on a different page than us. And if there is, then there are a whole lot of toxic women too.



  182.  #182Femininewoman on January 21, 2013 at 6:59 am

    He said that he feels that since I’m seeing other men, that the pressure is higher to do something he isn’t ready to do.

    NewfMom I agree with him. This is his issue though because the pressure is coming from inisde him. Especially taking into consideration that you have not asked him for anything. He has to deal with his issues. Don’t let him drag you off your horse. If he does not want to compete like a real man it is his choice to get trampled by the horses. Doesn’t make sense to be a footman around horsemen so he might weed himself out. He already knows that if he does not want to compete he has to give you what you want. No one takes a house off the market until they have a commitment with the best price.



  183.  #183Tam on January 21, 2013 at 7:01 am

    Hmm. Agreeing about the giving.
    Most guys I meet start off being very giving and then all of a sudden it tails off for some reason…not sure if this is because they think they ‘have me’, or because I give too much, or what it is.
    Almost like my value goes down after a few weeks…
    complacency sets in.
    Perhaps I will from now on be the one who isn’t carrying any cash. How about that.



  184.  #184Mercedes on January 21, 2013 at 7:03 am

    From the other thread in case you don’t see it there:

    Janie Baby: Re manifesting and limiting beliefs. For me, this takes a lot of practice and a lot of meditation. Other than the Power of Positive Thinking and The Secret, I haven’t really read much on it, I simply try to live my life that way as much as possible. I focus a LOT on my dreams when I meditate (and that happens for about 30 minutes at least twice per day) and if I catch myself believing in a way or thinking in a way or daydreaming in a way that doesn’t serve me then I do my very best to reframe that into something that DOES serve me or that I DO want to manifest.

    To some, this stuff doesn’t and will never work because they believe things “can’t happen” or “don’t exist” or are “impossible”. I choose not to believe that. I believe anything is possible. Anything. I don’t yet believe that it is all easy but I’m working on believing that too… 🙂

    For me though…it’s not so much what I read as what I am training my mind to think and see. Meditation. The key to it all.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  185.  #185Tam on January 21, 2013 at 7:04 am

    all this is giving me a clear picture of the man I want. Whether he actually exists, is another story 😉



  186.  #186Femininewoman on January 21, 2013 at 7:05 am

    Memulo regarding giving, I believe it is okay to offer on and off. I believe a good man will respond by refusing help most of the time. It enhances his masculinity to be able to prove and have you gush over it.



  187.  #187NewfMom on January 21, 2013 at 7:05 am

    Tam – most times, I would agree with you, however, personal experience has educated me.

    I was with a man for over a year. At first, he was gallant, charming – a real “prince.” About 3-4 months into it, he began showing his true self. Unreasonably jealous, suspicious, easily angered and always assumed that the women he’d been involved with has sought to take advantage of him. He criticized my friends relentlessly, even trying to prevent me from seeing them. He tried desperately to make me reliant on him for everything.

    It took me a while to realize that, like a dog being trained, I was working even harder to get the “treat” of kindness and attention that I got in the beginning.

    This man has at least three personality disorders that I am aware of. I would never believe that he was just in a different page; he was truly toxic.

    By the way, Tam – I think you did beautifully in your communication with Curly.



  188.  #188Annie on January 21, 2013 at 7:07 am

    By focusing on myself rather than him, I instinctively felt more like stepping away from him when he was nasty to me instead of working harder to win his approval in that moment.

    Focusing on me and on what I want and need would be.
    I want to feel safe when I am a passenger in someone elses car being driven around and then taking care of my own needs and getting out so I felt safe, moving away and stepping away from someone who was driving in a way that felt unsafe to me.
    That would be someone who was not paying attention to the cars in front daydreaming and looking out the side window etc.
    Or someone driving through red lights, too close to the cars in front etc etc.

    I love my negative bad feelings they are not wrong they are there to protect me, not to be ignored, to listen to.
    By getting out of the car I have taken care of my own feelings and let go of expectations of what will happen next.
    The person driving that way can then drive how they like.
    However if they want me in the car, I don’t want to tolerate feeling unsafe. I have made them aware been authentic and honest in the moment that I feel unsafe, they then get to choose if they want to change their own driving habits or not. Please themselves really do what they like.



  189.  #189Annie on January 21, 2013 at 7:10 am

    188: Annie says:

    Rori says

    “By focusing on myself rather than him, I instinctively felt more like stepping away from him when he was nasty to me instead of working harder to win his approval in that moment.”

    Absolutely spot on! I feel in total agreement with the above.
    Focusing on me and on what I want and need would be.

    I want to feel safe when I am a passenger in someone elses car being driven around and then taking care of my own needs and getting out so I felt safe, moving away and stepping away from someone who was driving in a way that felt unsafe to me.
    That would be someone who was not paying attention to the cars in front daydreaming and looking out the side window etc.
    Or someone driving through red lights, too close to the cars in front etc etc.

    I love my negative bad feelings they are not wrong they are there to protect me, not to be ignored, to listen to.
    By getting out of the car I have taken care of my own feelings and let go of expectations of what will happen next.
    The person driving that way can then drive how they like.
    However if they want me in the car, I don’t want to tolerate feeling unsafe. I have made them aware been authentic and honest in the moment that I feel unsafe, they then get to choose if they want to change their own driving habits or not. Please themselves really do what they like.

    They either transform or not.



  190.  #190Tam on January 21, 2013 at 7:14 am

    187 NewfMom….yes, I tend to agree with you. The personality disorders are a clue here…maybe rather than toxic, my choice of word might be ‘mentally not well’. Is it the same thing? maybe, maybe not.
    It would not be for me, maybe some other woman can take that, who knows….



  191.  #191Annie on January 21, 2013 at 7:15 am

    One thing I know 100 % for sure is ignoring feeling bad or our negative feelings and tolerating being treated badly and bad behavior never never ever works.
    All that does is reinforce bad behavior and send out the message it’s ok treat me like you want and I’ll put up with it. Still be here, still sleep with you, spend time with you, put up with it. My feelings don’t matter. they are not important.

    Actually they matter not matter loads to me and they are bloooooooody well important.



  192.  #192Tereana on January 21, 2013 at 7:20 am

    karyn wrote: (#3) People who eat properly and regularly are less likely to have Reactive Tantrums than those who eat rubbish.

    I think this is also true for me. Food and sleep are both part of the deal. If I have good food, eat regularly, and sleep well, at the right times, then I am a much happier person. Add in regular exercise, and I can handle almost anything.

    My problem the last week or so: Not eating well (going too long without food, and then eating small meals. But at least what I ate was pretty good quality. Except a lot of heavy things); Not sleeping properly; and no regular exercise, except for walking and working.

    So…I became more reactive.



  193.  #193NewfMom on January 21, 2013 at 7:21 am

    FW (182) – thnaks for the insight. I had thought that myself, and should have voiced it. Well, I did, but probably not as clearly as I should have.

    We agreed to take the next week or so to figure out what each of us want, and if that includes being with the other.

    If I can speak my truth when it matters most (and not chicken out), I would let him know that if he doesn’t want to compete, he doesn’t have to: there’s the door.

    I’m just afraid that I will lose my courage.



  194.  #194Tereana on January 21, 2013 at 7:26 am

    I recognize my role in the situation. Perhaps it is the case that I simply cannot “deal” with men. “Respecting the masculine” does not come easily or naturally to me. It feels like pulling teeth – uncomfortable, painful, I don’t want to do it. Respect him? Why? He is not respecting me…
    And then sex. Seems to me that any time sex becomes introduced between me and a man, I lose my balance, and everything goes down the tubes. It doesn’t even have to BE sex. It can be just the mention of it – the intimation of it. It can be just the slightest suggestion that it might happen, one day. If he’s interested in sex, then immediately, my spikes go up, my walls get fortified, and I start going on the defensive. I CANNOT LET HIM IN. And if he tries, I will resist.
    The only way I can let a guy have sex with me, is if I CHOOSE to make it happen. I choose when and where, and then I have some “control.” If it is HIS choice, then I will say NO. And then he will feel rejected…

    This has been my pattern.



  195.  #195NewfMom on January 21, 2013 at 7:33 am

    Perhaps I was being too harsh (193). We’ve only been dating for not quite 4 months, and I certainly don’t expect anyone to step up that early (and I would be suspicious if someone did). I think that less than 6 months is too soon, really.

    Having said that, if, after seeing someone for 6 months or so, a man does step up, I may allow P first refusalm since I’ve been seeing him the longest.

    I don’t want to give him the boot, simply because I know he’s a good man, if an easily frightened one. I don’t want to prematurely judge him, just because he’s afraid of his own shadow right now. Who knows? He may decide to step up at some point.



  196.  #196Femininewoman on January 21, 2013 at 7:33 am

    NewfMom the truth is that the fear is not serving you. You can feel it yes but choose to tell yourself that you are safe to release whatever is not serving you in your life. You don’t have to show him the door, he already knows where it is and it might feel disrespectful to him if you do. I would just tell him I realize that he is entitled to make whatever decision he feels will serve him in his life and I respect that. That basically tells him that you are entitled to the same thing too.



  197.  #197Femininewoman on January 21, 2013 at 7:36 am

    NewfMom if he is an easily frightened man I would take it as a message that I can work more on myself to make people feel safe around me. Listening at level in silence sometimes. At other times speaking my truth with softness and assertiveness that does not create awkwardness or tramples on anyone’s toes. These can be practiced on everyone around you.



  198.  #198Femininewoman on January 21, 2013 at 7:38 am

    He already knows you are a prize and the only way to get a prize is to compete for it. Most people don’t cherish things that come easy either.



  199.  #199NewfMom on January 21, 2013 at 7:39 am

    FW – thanks for that. You are right, of course, and I pretty much realized that after I posted my first response to you.

    I’m beginning to feel most courage and resolve on this issue. I’m also feeling like I no longer need to have him in my life. Sure, I’d like it if he were, but I don’t *need* him.

    I have told him on numerous occasions that he is entitled to do what he wants. I don’t want to disrespect him, but I do want to express to him where my boundaries lie. And one of them is that I am entitled to do what I want – CD.

    He is beginning to understand that.



  200.  #200Tereana on January 21, 2013 at 7:40 am

    Thank you for the support, everyone!!

    I’ve just been reading back through the comments, and I feel so touched that you read what I wrote and support me getting out of there.

    At the time when I moved in, I felt very alone, and it seemed to me that, of everyone I knew, he was the only one willing to support me. That is why I moved in with him – it seemed like my best option. And then when I realized that he had no intention to support me, but expected to use me instead, I had to reach out.

    A girlfriend came to pick me up at the house the other day, and good friends near by are letting me stay with them. I was seriously calling women’s shelters and planning to stay there, if I had nowhere to go.

    I reached out on facebook, and found an incredible amount of love and support coming back toward me. People have offered couches, storage space, house sitting, support. It’s been incredible, and I felt so much safer the minute I was out of there and with friends.

    The only scary part now is going back to the house to get my stuff.

    My body shakes all over when I even get near the place, or sometimes just thinking of it. So far, I’ve been back twice, and I haven’t seen him there, but each time, I am afraid that he will be home, and afraid of what he will do or say.

    Thank you, Ulii, for specifying that violence can be not only physical. He was violent verbally, even if he didn’t hit me with his hands (and if he had, he could have hurt me A LOT. he is a very strong man.) It hurts enough the way he used his words on me. And of course, at the same time that he said he was loving me, he really didn’t : (

    Maybe I should have realized, the first time I came to his house, and felt scared, that it was a sign. But I thought that it was just the neighborhood that was scary. I perceived him as “safe.” But now I see that it was all an act, designed to lure me in. And it worked. But not for long. Because I am not stupid, and I can see the truth. He could not hide it from me forever.



  201.  #201NewfMom on January 21, 2013 at 7:43 am

    FW – such wisdom you have! I feel so good knowing that I have such a great support system here!

    He does realize that I am a prize. He’s said as much.

    I have spoken my truth.

    I do need to work on helping him (and others) feel safe around me.

    I am working toward being softer on the outside and stronger on the inside.



  202.  #202Tam on January 21, 2013 at 7:43 am

    Curly ain’t giving up just yet. Sigh.



  203.  #203NewfMom on January 21, 2013 at 7:49 am

    Tereana – bless your heart! You are so brave for doing what you did. And I feel so warm and loving knowing that your friends are stepping up to help.

    Hugs, girl!



  204.  #204ruth on January 21, 2013 at 8:03 am

    Glad you are out of there Tereana



  205.  #205Tam on January 21, 2013 at 8:03 am

    He is now asking me whether I want him to go away as he is having a hard time ‘dealing with this’.
    Uhmmm….not my problem?!



  206.  #206Emerson on January 21, 2013 at 8:06 am

    Tam I don’t get a feeling of safety when reading about curly



  207.  #207Tam on January 21, 2013 at 8:07 am

    206…Emerson, neither do I – in any way, shape or form. At this point. It’s a combination of his actions together with my fears.



  208.  #208Tam on January 21, 2013 at 8:08 am

    Oh wow..haha!!! Listen to this ladies, he says
    ‘you have me on probation with your boundaries’

    The man is spot on! Yes!! I do!!!
    And he hates it. He said ‘we need to move on from this’.

    Uhmmm..I don’t ‘need’ to do anything, actually.
    He’s getting it all mixed up. Aw.



  209.  #209ruth on January 21, 2013 at 8:09 am

    206

    Spot on Emerson

    I have been feeling very anxious about you Tam, where Curly is concerned



  210.  #210ruth on January 21, 2013 at 8:10 am

    He would not even get probation from me



  211.  #211NewfMom on January 21, 2013 at 8:11 am

    Agreed. Hearing about Curly makes me feel very unsafe. And that makes me feel frightened for you.



  212.  #212Tam on January 21, 2013 at 8:12 am

    Really, Ruth?
    Hm. I don’t feel anxious.
    Partly, I felt curious what was going to show up. And now, I feel bored a little and a little flat about it all.
    That’s it.



  213.  #213NewfMom on January 21, 2013 at 8:12 am

    Perhaps I should have said ‘Makes me feel anxious about you.”



  214.  #214Tam on January 21, 2013 at 8:13 am

    Ok Ladies, I take it onboard.
    Thanks for your opinions.
    I guess I also saw the other side of him, which is very sweet and accommodating, affectionate and planning his life around me. Since I haven’t really experienced that, I gave him a lot of leeway with the other stuff….but yeah, perhaps too much.
    Got to stick with the facts and not the potential.



  215.  #215ruth on January 21, 2013 at 8:14 am

    Yes Tam
    I do feel anxious

    Im probably triggered somewhere

    But Curly is starting to sound a bit dangerous

    I know you can take care of yourself but I am still worried about you, sorry



  216.  #216NewfMom on January 21, 2013 at 8:15 am

    Tam – he might be sweet and accommodating, but that doesn’t do you any good if you’re dead or injured as a result of his not-so-attractive actions.

    I hate putting it that way, but safety would be my first concern.



  217.  #217Tam on January 21, 2013 at 8:17 am

    The other thing that makes me think is that, perhaps those fears of mine that I feel keep me away from my happiness, are actually really good and valid fears…they actually save me from disaster.
    They saved me from disaster with MrP, and now Curly…married Surfer man and oh so many that aren’t quite what they seem…or like to portray.
    Not bad men, just..well, things going on in their lives that prevent me from jumping in there.
    Interesting. Actually, I might begin to love my fears 🙂



  218.  #218Emerson on January 21, 2013 at 8:18 am

    Tam I can tell you are a smart cookie and can look out for yourself. I know you can handle this situation with curly. Just please be careful when choosing to get in the car with him. I have no tolerance for unsafe driving as my car was rear ended any totaled last year by a crazy driver. I was hurt but luckily not badly. If could have been much worse. Accidents can and do happens and there’s no turning back the clock. Ok enough lecturing but his driving really bothers me.



  219.  #219ruth on January 21, 2013 at 8:19 am

    216

    Exactly NewfMom
    Sigh
    I guess I am not there and I havent met the man(or even you Tam) but the flying off the handle over little things makes me feel cold and shaky inside

    Interesting trigger, becuase I cant recall even being with a man who was like that



  220.  #220Tam on January 21, 2013 at 8:20 am

    215 Aw, thank you Ruth. It feels good to hear that. and NewfMom, safety and security are my top priorities too. Else I would probably just roll with this.



  221.  #221ruth on January 21, 2013 at 8:21 am

    Fears?

    Sound like bl**dy good survival instincts to me



  222.  #222NewfMom on January 21, 2013 at 8:21 am

    (((Tam)))

    I get the same feeling as Ruth. Sadly, I have experienced just that, and that is a trigger for me.



  223.  #223ruth on January 21, 2013 at 8:22 am

    oh, Rori, you litle gem!

    An E letter about farcebook

    🙂



  224.  #224Tam on January 21, 2013 at 8:23 am

    Emerson, totally agree!!

    And Ruth, yes, that temper tantrum thing I am starting to see was something I had with a man before. And I did not like it one bit because guess what? It got worse with time…not better.
    Incidentally, this one was also a heavy weed user, could of course just be coincidence.
    Curly is nowehere nearly as bad as him, but the ‘arguing for no reason’ and letting ‘little things’ bother him sooooo much…it just feels off.
    Something feels off.
    Could be anger issues that he is self-medicating, in fact it seems that way.



  225.  #225Tam on January 21, 2013 at 8:26 am

    221 hehe, yes Ruth, I have good survival instincts….leaving home to a foreign country (yours)….as a teenager – I learnt a lot. 🙂



  226.  #226ruth on January 21, 2013 at 8:28 am

    yeah you need survivals instinct in the land of the sheep Sh**ggers 😉

    I am allowed to say that as I have both Welsh and Yorkshire blood

    I love it here
    🙂



  227.  #227Tam on January 21, 2013 at 8:33 am

    I so so love Wales, Ruth. I met some really good people there.



  228.  #228ruth on January 21, 2013 at 8:34 am

    Yes they are lovely people here

    Im lucky
    🙂



  229.  #229NewfMom on January 21, 2013 at 8:36 am

    I’m English and Scots by blood (American by decent), but Wales has always been a place I’ve wanted to visit.

    I feel a sort of wistful envy. Not negative at all, just wishing I were there, too.



  230.  #230Calypso on January 21, 2013 at 8:37 am

    I am not being good to me today . . .

    I just went back through all of those FB pics and looked at a bunch of pics of GM from yesterday. OMG my chest hurts. I really needa good cry, but it hurts too mucha nd I’m at work anyway. This feel horrible – like a major slide-back. I hope when I get to feeling better frommy ripped chest wall that i can get back on track repairing my ripped heart . . . I feel furious right now. The pain of holding back tears, which is making me need to cough, which will make me scram in pain . . . is really making me very angry at GM and at myself.

    These are not the vibes I want to be putting out intot he Universe. I need a hug – a real honest to goodness hug, but i think I would just weep for hours.



  231.  #231Emerson on January 21, 2013 at 8:38 am

    224 Tam how do you really know if he is a light or heavy pot user…he may be playing it down and using when you’re not with him. I’m just sayin.



  232.  #232ruth on January 21, 2013 at 8:40 am

    aw Calypso
    ((((((((((()))))))))))

    New fMom

    it rains so much in wales that 10% of the population have actual vitamin D deficiency

    I still like it here though



  233.  #233Tam on January 21, 2013 at 8:44 am

    231 Emerson, he is a regular pot user….he told me pretty much from the get go. He is pretty honest about not the ‘not so good things’ in his life. At least this!
    Sorry for wording things confusingly..



  234.  #234NewfMom on January 21, 2013 at 8:44 am

    (((Calypso))) – I wish I could hug you right now.

    I feel your pain. I know that sounds a bit trite and Bill Clinton-ish, but I really do feel it. And it breaks my heart.

    I am learning that I try to ignore and stuff down the pain I feel when dealing with such things, even when I express it. It hurts just too much.

    It’s a physical hurt.

    I know you’re at work, but if you can just spend a few minutes alone in the bathroom, a stairway, your car – any place that you’re reasonably alone – you can let yourself feel it, if only for a little while.

    That has helped me on a few occasions when I’ve been “hit” at work.

    Hugs!



  235.  #235Tam on January 21, 2013 at 8:45 am

    (((( Calypso)))) oh man. I feel bad just reading your post…I want to come through the internet and bring you chicken soup. And a big hug.



  236.  #236NewfMom on January 21, 2013 at 8:45 am

    Ruth – I used to live in Seattle (and have visited England many times) so I know how that goes. 🙂



  237.  #237BeLoved on January 21, 2013 at 8:50 am

    aaaaaahhhhh!!!
    I’m freaking out! FFFrrrreeeeakinggg!!
    Squeee!!!
    I feel giddy and my heart feels squeezed and my pulse is racing and my belly feels tingly and
    I’m making funny squeaky noises
    because
    I’m FREAKING
    because I just found out the space I can use needs me to describe the workshop and submit it asap and I don’t know how the heck to describe what I do because it’s a hybrid of everything I’ve ever learned and I just go with whatever comes up intuitively
    so it could be anything from one moment to the next the only constant is that we use dream characters to playfully explore our psyche.

    fffrrrreeeeeeeaaaakingggg 🙂



  238.  #238Lori on January 21, 2013 at 8:51 am

    Good morning ladies, I’m really tired today. (too much fun over the weekend). Because I’m tired, I think I’m missing him more. He hasn’t called yet but I’m not waiting around for him to do so. I’m working and have a lot on my plate. I could use some uplifting!



  239.  #239Mercedes on January 21, 2013 at 8:51 am

    Calypso…I’m so sorry…hugs…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  240.  #240Calypso on January 21, 2013 at 8:55 am

    Thanks for the Siren hugs. I’m about to go to lunch. I plan to just sit somewhere in my car, but I dare not cry – I can’t afford to injur my chest wall any more than I already have. There is only so much Ibuprophen in the world . . . I wish I would hurry up and get better so I could take all of this furious energy and focus it on something productive, like going to the gym or at least power walking! I just went tot he restroom and looked in the mirror and OMG – I feel like I look hideous!



  241.  #241Annie on January 21, 2013 at 9:08 am

    “The man is spot on! Yes!! I do!!!
    And he hates it. He said ‘we need to move on from this’.”

    It takes a resolution with an action not words. in order to be able to move on. Otherwise the problem stays frozen in time and the same problem just keeps coming back and back. Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat another chance to learn.
    Words are meaningless, just empty shallow and superficial without the appropriate action to match them,



  242.  #242Memulo on January 21, 2013 at 9:23 am

    The way it happened was that he made a reservation for my rentals ahead of time, so he brought mr there and told me how much it was – so I paid. Then we went to the mountain and while in line he asked me to step away and asked: will you pay for your lift ticket or you want me to pay? I said – I’ll pay. I was a bit shocked about the whole procedure, he took me off guard. Maybe I should have responded differently, don’t know. And dint get me wrong, the whole time he was saying how much he likes me, is crazy about me, he made me bfast and packed lunch, and took me out for dinner.
    FW, I went back on a dating site today. Just not much happened there yet.



  243.  #243Emerson on January 21, 2013 at 9:26 am

    233 Tam to each his own…
    I personally cannot stand the sight of someone smoking pot. It is just my opinion but I see it as a bit juvenile.
    Also to my knowledge its not legal in all states so he’s breaking he law with his habit which explains why he’s probably so angry at authority.
    I’m all for personal freedoms and I don’t like being “regulated” but he seems to have a deep seeded anger that I find very triggering and I officially don’t like him.



  244.  #244Tam on January 21, 2013 at 9:26 am

    Memulo, I’d have responded the same. The way that question from him was worded seemed like he expected you to pay for the lift ticket.
    I know I might get flak here, but there is no way I’d have brought myself to say
    ‘it would feel good if you paid’, particularly if he had paid for other things.



  245.  #245Memulo on January 21, 2013 at 9:32 am

    I feel terrible that the prior guy could just step over me and go on to the brighter future, that meant close to nothing to him apparently. Not even worth a short phone call, an email, a question how I am coping with my problems at the time. And I still miss him sometimes. And still wonder if I myself showed little interest by just letting it be this way



  246.  #246Mercedes on January 21, 2013 at 9:33 am

    Memulo: When I was online dating, I put right in my profile that I wanted a man who paid for dates. I hate the thought of “assuming” I’m going to be treated on dates and then finding out that’s not the case. Putting it upfront saved me from any of those awkward moments at the dinner table when the check came. I noticed a lot of guys would comment on that part of my profile (mostly negatively) but all of the guys I dated actually paid. All of them. I think putting those expectations out there works really well. I’m assuming guys who don’t like to pay for dates just don’t ask out women who say they want a guy who will pay. That worked just fine for me. 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  247.  #247Tam on January 21, 2013 at 9:35 am

    243, Emerson, the pot smoking was one of my deal breakers. Actually. I decided to see what it would bring up in me, and he also mixed with (what I perceived to be) a very shady guy, who as it happens got him into even more trouble.
    My intuition was spot on.

    He knows about that, and he knows I don’t like it now because I brought it up with a whole lot of other stuff that bothered me. He has been pretty careful to keep all that stuff away from me.

    However, it may explain why I never really went for him. I don’t feel attached, maybe a little but not enough to keep this going unless I see a real change in behaviour. I see bits here and there but nowhere enough…seems he still hasn’t learnt his lesson. He is a good guy in many many ways but the ‘buts’ are weighing very heavily.
    He has massive potential to change, I can see that.. but I am exhausted trying to wait for changes and actually, I don’t want to change anyone.
    He is a little bit like an eager puppy ‘tell me what bothers me and I will try to deal with it if I can’…but, well, seems he does for a time (the driving was actually really good until someone cut him off)..and then falls back into old patterns.Meh. I am not mummy and neither do I want to be.
    The curse of us humans maybe…



  248.  #248Tam on January 21, 2013 at 9:36 am

    ‘the curse of us humans’ – we try to change bad habits but not always make it that far..



  249.  #249Memulo on January 21, 2013 at 9:37 am

    Tam,

    Yes, that’s exactly how I felt. He surprised me though when on a second day he suddenly offered to pay for my rent ($20) after I paid for the lift ticket ($90) – ;)))



  250.  #250Emerson on January 21, 2013 at 9:40 am

    248 ((tam))



  251.  #251BeLoved on January 21, 2013 at 9:44 am

    Tam

    I feel curious and I’m wondering exactly what you mean when you say “deal breaker”?
    For me, a deal breaker means “abort mission”.
    For example, a man with a substance addiction is a dealbreaker for me.
    If I know a man smokes cigarettes, or has an alcohol problem, he will not get Date One. Period. End of story.
    So when I say dealbreaker, I mean, not going to even dip my toe in that pond.
    I read you using the word, but still going out with the guy and entertaining texts and such from him so I have to believe you mean something totally different and I’m wondering if you’d clarify
    what exactly you mean so I can understand you better.



  252.  #252Starla on January 21, 2013 at 9:49 am

    well, the most remarkable thing happened.

    QZ and I were in the midst of a very sudden honesty session — we talked a bit more about why we broke up and how to prevent it from happening again.

    And I decided, perhaps foolishly, to tell him very candidly what I think about the ‘silent treatment’ as his main tactic of dealing with intense conflicts. First I said that I was telling him as his friend, and that I realize it’s mostly not my business, and that I will still feel the same about him no matter what he thinks of what I was about to say.

    I told him that the silent treatment can be considered a form of abuse (i really said that!) and that if he’s going to avoid someone, he should at least tell them why, ESPECIALLY if that person is desperately trying to find out what’s going on.

    He got a little defensive but tried to stay open to the best of his abilities. He said he never did it with malicious intent, but that he just likes to retreat and hide when things get too intense to deal with. That he never considered it a “treatment” of others. I told him that even though he isn’t doing it to hurt anyone, it does hurt pretty bad to be the receiving end of it regardless.

    Then we both picked ourselves up and moved on with our evening. We managed to move on pretty gracefully, but the next day I was feeling a little funny. Maybe I shouldn’t have said something? It was maybe none of my business to just call him out like that? I don’t know…

    But then as I was obsessing, the phone rang. It was QZ. He said that he wanted to THANK ME for being bold and honest enough to talk to him about it, and that he thinks it’s pretty dang cool that he has a woman who can keep him in check like that and call him out when he’s too inside of his own head to realize that there’s an emotional universe greater than his own.

    I was in shock! I told him I felt so surprised to get that call, and that I was actually wondering to myself as he was calling whether I crossed a line. I said that I really meant it when I said I would love him just the same no matter what he thought of what I had to say, and that hearing those words from him felt like more cream-cheese frosting (my favorite, yum!) piled on an already incredibly delicious cake.

    He consciously chooses to be brave and to choose relationship all of the time. I see all the ways he is actively building a thriving relationship for us…

    I just feel super happy and lucky… really really



  253.  #253Tam on January 21, 2013 at 9:50 am

    The good thing is, feels safe that I don’t seem to lose my heart anymore. Maybe cause it’s still lost? Maybe because I learnt?
    Don’t know.



  254.  #254Memulo on January 21, 2013 at 9:50 am

    Mercedes,

    Thank you for the tip:) The guy pays for everything usually, it was the first time he expected me to participate. maybe I should just let it go.



  255.  #255Femininewoman on January 21, 2013 at 9:53 am

    Yayy QZ



  256.  #256Starla on January 21, 2013 at 9:54 am

    I am shocked that I took the risk of telling him that there’s a better way to handle things with his step-brother and sister, not to mention ME, than doing this silent treatment stuff. I’m shocked that he actually THOUGHT about what I had to say. I feel like his equal and sooooooo safe knowing that HE REALLY RESPECTS MY OPINION.

    It is such a game changer. My heart feels more open and safe than ever. My anxieties are just slowly dissolving. And new ones come up to be healed.

    Everything is magic.



  257.  #257Tam on January 21, 2013 at 9:55 am

    BeLoved … maybe you’re right and I didn’t mean dealbreaker….more like a ‘on trial’ thing…perhaps because he was honest about it and said if it bothered me he would do smth about it. I chose to sit it out and see what happened.



  258.  #258Tam on January 21, 2013 at 9:56 am

    Starla, wow, sounds like magic to me!



  259.  #259Annie on January 21, 2013 at 9:56 am

    223: ruth

    oh, Rori, you litle gem!

    An E letter about farcebook

    🙂

    Have you a link Ruth? would feel good to read that.



  260.  #260Starla on January 21, 2013 at 9:57 am

    I also feel very turned on to this man, because I know he could have decided not to agree with my viewpoint on this. I know that he ultimately decided for himself to change.

    None of that yucky “ewwww he is being a doormat” feeling.

    I feel so big and important in our relationship, and not the kind I’m used to feeling where the guy is just insecure and terrified of losing you so he goes along with everything you say. woohoo!



  261.  #261Annie on January 21, 2013 at 10:00 am

    243, “Emerson, the pot smoking was one of my deal breakers.”

    A deal breaker would mean you would be gone, walked away be done if he still chose to smoke pot.
    Otherwise it is empty words.



  262.  #262Memulo on January 21, 2013 at 10:01 am

    Starla, what you are saying is really great.

    That is what I am thinking sometimes – perhaps I was giving that guy a silent treatment??



  263.  #263Starla on January 21, 2013 at 10:02 am

    I don’t have any deal breakers. If I loved someone enough, there is probably nothing they could do to me to completely lose their chance with me.

    I feel scared admitting that, but it’s better I admit that to myself and work with it now than feel confused and victimized later.



  264.  #264janie baby on January 21, 2013 at 10:05 am

    thanks Mercedes for responding! I didn’t see it in the last post. 🙂
    definitely going to do more of this.



  265.  #265Tam on January 21, 2013 at 10:05 am

    The key sentence is ‘if I loved someone enough’. I now see that as a dangerous position to be in, to give another human being so much power over me. Based on experience, it didn’t end well for me.



  266.  #266Annie on January 21, 2013 at 10:06 am

    251: BeLoved says:

    “Tam

    I feel curious and I’m wondering exactly what you mean when you say “deal breaker”?
    For me, a deal breaker means “abort mission”.
    For example, a man with a substance addiction is a dealbreaker for me.
    If I know a man smokes cigarettes, or has an alcohol problem, he will not get Date One. Period. End of story.
    So when I say dealbreaker, I mean, not going to even dip my toe in that pond.
    I read you using the word, but still going out with the guy and entertaining texts and such from him so I have to believe you mean something totally different and I’m wondering if you’d clarify
    what exactly you mean so I can understand you better.”

    I feel synchronized with you BeLoved.



  267.  #267Tam on January 21, 2013 at 10:12 am

    Annie, as for empty words. It doesn’t feel good to me to make threats to men or give them ultimatums. For me, I like to observe and give it a little time – usually all reveals itself. I do trust my judgment to a certain extent also…I wouldn’t date someone with a certain amount of intelligence/capability/social skills.
    So I have enough mental strength to be able to give benefit of doubt if I get treated well- but that does have a limit somewhere. Especially when I feel the good treatment is slipping too..



  268.  #268Tam on January 21, 2013 at 10:13 am

    ‘without’ those attributes, ha, Freudian slip!!!!



  269.  #269Tam on January 21, 2013 at 10:15 am

    Oh, I feel like being judged now. Yikes. I don’t tell anybody else what to do….



  270.  #270Calypso on January 21, 2013 at 10:20 am

    I enjoyed my lunch break – I could not cope with trying to deal with my GM feelings, but the sun is shining and so i just sat in my car, put on some lipstick and started emailing little smiley faces to several of my POF contacts and poof – 3 of them have engaged me in conversation – lol. Now I’m back at my desk and i can’t keep up with them all – too funny.



  271.  #271Tam on January 21, 2013 at 10:22 am

    I wouldn’t just pick up anybody off the street and read them the ‘dealbreaker act’. If you meet men organically, it happens that you have been on a few dates before things surface. And btw, ‘not giving them date 1’…how do you know they aren’t lying? Everybody I met from dating websited, with one notable exception (MrP) lied about their age, being non-smokers or divorced, or even the age of their children. So it’s actually not even possible to exclude the liars from a 1st date – unrealistic. I only found out one guy was a smoker after date 3, when I went to his house….



  272.  #272MovingMagic on January 21, 2013 at 10:25 am

    Starla, that sounds pretty amazing. My ex and I had an open door policy when it came to working through things. We both knew we could talk about our emotions freely. That’s something I want to continue building in my relationships going forward.



  273.  #273Calypso on January 21, 2013 at 10:26 am

    Just posted a Zen Saying on FB Wall – “Let go or be dragged” . . . Isn’t that the painful truth!!!



  274.  #274Jilly on January 21, 2013 at 10:31 am

    Good morning Sirens 🙂

    This post is perfect for me right now…well…in a way.

    I am now 8 weeks pregnant and all of these hormones in my body are making me a feel a little crazy!

    Everything feels amplified. Yesterday I felt really sad and then mad…

    Today I feel happy and peaceful.

    I know that eating healthy and exercising helps me feel better.

    Rugby Man has been amazing through all of my ups and downs and I’m always amazed how being open and vulnerable draws him in…I see it all the time. I couldn’t have attracted a better man for me, I feel so lucky and blessed.

    I do miss being on here and sharing my dating stories though lol…that’s weird and interesting!



  275.  #275Femininewoman on January 21, 2013 at 10:34 am

    263 resonates with me. Pretty amazing. 🙂



  276.  #276Jilly on January 21, 2013 at 10:44 am

    Starla…that’s awesome how you are communicating with QZ! Wahoo!!



  277.  #277Starla on January 21, 2013 at 10:45 am

    I feel super vulnerable.

    if QZ cheated on me as my husband
    or hit me once or twice
    or developed a drug addiction
    etc….

    i wouldn’t kick him to the curb

    oh dear

    if he hurt our children or anyone’s children, then i’d just kill him, so no breaking up necessary lol



  278.  #278Jilly on January 21, 2013 at 10:46 am

    Who does Rori recommend for men? I have a great guy friend going through marriage issues and he’s been having the same issues for years…does anyone recommend a guy Rori? lol



  279.  #279Jilly on January 21, 2013 at 10:48 am

    Tam..I feel jealous that you are by the beach!! 🙂



  280.  #280Starla on January 21, 2013 at 10:49 am

    276 thanks jilly:). It definitely wasn’t at all rori-style or even feeling messages. it feels so good to know i can’t ‘say the wrong thing’ to this man.

    i want to be in a relationship where we can say ANYTHING to each other. not hateful, mean things, but just anything.

    we are both really really really sensitive, though, so while we are free to say anything to the other, i also can see that we have a duty as a the bearer of bad news to remind the recipient that we love them and think the world of them, or else we both retreat to our child-selves that were abandoned by our parents and made it seem like it was our fault.

    ((((((((((qz and me))))))))))))))

    ((((((((((our shxtty sick/addict parents)))))))))))



  281.  #281Femininewoman on January 21, 2013 at 10:49 am

    242 was an opportunity Memulo to say you felt shocked and a little confused that he is asking you to pay. Though somehow the thought crossed my mind that it seemed you expected him to read your mind rather than speaking up. The other thought that crossed my mind was “for some reason I want to feel like a Goddess and all taken care of when a man keeps saying he feels so smitten by me. What do you think”? Knowing me I believe I would look for a playful way to say something like that. Maybe I might even have chosen not to ski with him.



  282.  #282Tam on January 21, 2013 at 10:50 am

    Starla, hm yes. I had few if any dealbreakers with MrP – just the ultimate: he wouldn’t commit to me fully.
    Else he would have bern pretty safe but only because I was sure that he wouldn’t hit me, become a drug addict or even cheat on me. Well the last one one can never be sure. The other stuff I would have bet my life on.
    Well, whatever.



  283.  #283Starla on January 21, 2013 at 10:50 am

    i hear great stuff about david deida, jilly



  284.  #284Memulo on January 21, 2013 at 10:58 am

    Thank you FW, they’re good tips. But also – do you think they should pay for everything?



  285.  #285Dominique on January 21, 2013 at 11:00 am

    Linda – 163 – Wow this feel amazing to read. Awesome, really awesome. I feel very excited for you.

    Thank you too for the lovely comments.

    xxoo



  286.  #286Starla on January 21, 2013 at 11:01 am

    This is going to sound pretty judgmental and critical, and it’s something I should look at in myself, but first I am going to post it here:

    QZ would never invite me somewhere and expect me to pay for my expenses. I might offer, but he would never, ever expect it. If he can’t afford to take me on some trip, he WON’T INVITE ME. Or he’ll talk to me about it first.

    Here’s the critical part: I think men who invite women on trips/expensive outings and expect the woman to pay her share ARE EXTREMELY SELFISH AND ACT VERY ENTITLED. They just want the company. They don’t want to be alone. Even if they are romantically attracted to you, who cares. These men suck.



  287.  #287Jilly on January 21, 2013 at 11:05 am

    Yay Starla 🙂 That is so cool that you feel you can’t say the wrong thing. I feel the same way. Ok I will check out David Deida..thanks!



  288.  #288Calypso on January 21, 2013 at 11:13 am

    Wow – A new POF guy just asked me out! Finally someone took action! Except he asked me if I wanted to drive to his town to meet – an hour away. I used a FM to say that did not feel good, so he offered to come to me, but now wants me to pick the place since he is not familiar witht he area . . . fine . . . I’m just going to suggest we meet downtown and we can walk wherever we want from there – lots of places to chose from that way I can try to get him back to leading. He looks handsome in his pic – I hope we click. i need that right now . . . he seems funny & flirty. My sore heart feels a little better – now I just hope my injured chest heals up before then :/ I’d hate for him to see the grimace I keep making every time I cough, or breathe or move . . . or the way I keep grabbing my right boob when it hurts – lol…



  289.  #289Jilly on January 21, 2013 at 11:13 am

    Starla…I agree 100%!!! If a man invites you somewhere and then expects you to pay half…ick!!



  290.  #290Jilly on January 21, 2013 at 11:15 am

    It’s also the vibe that it’s all discussed in too. It’s ALWAYS about the vibe lol.



  291.  #291BeLoved on January 21, 2013 at 11:19 am

    271

    Tam
    If I know…that’s all I can go by.
    For example, I know my neighbor is a smoker, so if he ever asked me on a date I would say no and tell him why.

    I’m not judging you by my standards – I’ve formed mine painstakingly over time by going through a lot of similar experiences to yours (and worse) – you may have noticed I only recently had enough of being masochistic and set my boundaries with the shady guy from work. And even felt terrible guilt for setting boundaries where we had been freely shady before, as if I had no right to start saying no when for so long I had been saying yes 😀

    I gave my example for comparison and if my pedantic cerebral side hadn’t kicked in…I probably could have had a sense of humor about it and pulled a Princess Bride and said, “You keep using that word…I do not think it means what you think it means!” 😀



  292.  #292Jilly on January 21, 2013 at 11:20 am

    Rugby Man just accepted a new job! I feel excited about that. Looks like we will be moving somewhere warm in a few months. He is brilliant at manifesting!!

    We haven’t decided on the actual wedding date yet. But it’s looking like it will be the beginning of March. It feels a little stressful planning a wedding and I don’t like that. I don’t want to feel stressed out about it. I know I can choose to be stressed out or not and sometimes its just habit to react instead of respond to the situation.



  293.  #293Jilly on January 21, 2013 at 11:22 am

    Yay Calypso! I love it when a man takes action. 🙂



  294.  #294Starla on January 21, 2013 at 11:22 am

    Jilly,
    I STRONGLY recommend a wedding planner. 😀

    I’ve been a maid of honor for a wedding with and a wedding without a planner, and the wedding with a planner was basically effortless for the bride.

    You’re pregnant, and I think you deserve the help.



  295.  #295Tam on January 21, 2013 at 11:25 am

    Beloved lol
    I didn’t really feel judged by your post, more by Annie’s post and I am not even sure why.
    My stuff, obviously.
    Argh.



  296.  #296Memulo on January 21, 2013 at 11:27 am

    Starla,

    So how you think I should get out of this situation? Not to go when he invites me again (not till March), talk to him next time I see him? Mind you, he did pay for a lot of dinners, etc.



  297.  #297Dominique on January 21, 2013 at 11:27 am

    Starla – 252 – YAY you!!! Awesome.

    xxoo



  298.  #298BeLoved on January 21, 2013 at 11:29 am

    I just found this quote from an old movie called “Charade”

    :In this movie Audrey Hepburn turned
    to Cary Grant and asked him this question. She said, “Why do people lie? Why
    do people lie?” Here’s his answer. He said, “People lie because they know what
    they want and they’re afraid the truth will not get it for them.”

    ~~~~
    This really speaks to me.

    It wasn’t until I started being honest about what I want out loud and to his face, that I could really see for myself that he wasn’t going to give it to me. Until then, I could dangle that carrot in front of my own nose indefinitely, and become more and more angry that he wasn’t giving me what I wasn’t asking for.

    The truth is setting me free…but first it has sure pist me off and made me feel like I wanted to crawl in a hole and die of shame, hahaha.



  299.  #299Dominique on January 21, 2013 at 11:31 am

    I second David Deida Jilly though I don’t know if he coaches privately anymore. Rori has mentioned David d’Angelo though I know nothing about him.

    xxoo



  300.  #300Starla on January 21, 2013 at 11:32 am

    memulo, i would just be honest with him.

    “i don’t want a man to ever feel taken advantage of, so i kind of froze and just paid for myself, but the truth is, i’m feeling kind of bad… i don’t want to pay for dates or trips when a man invites me to them… i honestly don’t need anything extravagant, and it feels so much more romantic when i can accept your invitations and not have to worry about how much it will cost me or if i should pay or not..”

    something like that



  301.  #301Starla on January 21, 2013 at 11:33 am

    david d’angelo is kinda sleazy



  302.  #302Tam on January 21, 2013 at 11:35 am

    Then again, I could take Curly as a lover and not a boyfriend.



  303.  #303Tam on January 21, 2013 at 11:36 am

    hehe



  304.  #304Calypso on January 21, 2013 at 11:38 am

    You go, Tam!!!



  305.  #305Jilly on January 21, 2013 at 11:38 am

    Thanks Dominique! I just referred him to David Deida’s book..The Way Of The Superior Man.

    Starla…that’s a great idea… a wedding planner! I almost just want to elope to some tropical island, though, it still crosses my mind!! I am getting the winter claustrophobia …it’s been soooo cold here!! Probably for you too!



  306.  #306Tam on January 21, 2013 at 11:40 am

    Memulo, how about doing what feels right to you?
    Not me, Starla or anyone else (no offence Starls)

    Just saying. If a guy paid for a whole trip for me, it would come naturally to do something, like surprise him with a little thing or buy him a lunch or whatever else. One in a while, not every day.
    That would feel good to me, might feel bad for others.
    I don’t see a man as a walking wallet. It feels great for me if he WANTS to take care of me and pay for absolutely everything, but I don’t expect it, actually.
    For me, if someone paid for the airticket, hotel etc – that is already a lot.
    I appreciate that and wouldn’t take it for granted at all.
    Then again, that is just me.
    You can make your own rules.
    Memulo rules!



  307.  #307Jilly on January 21, 2013 at 11:40 am

    Dominique…congratulations on your NEW VIDEO SERIES!!!! That’s so awesome!!! 🙂



  308.  #308Femininewoman on January 21, 2013 at 11:41 am

    Memulo no I don’t think they should pay for everything. I do believe they know what feels best for them and do go for that. I know I would not go with a man who invited me out and then expected me to pay. I would tell him that does not feel romantic and that I don’t want to do that. I feel comfortable with me who lead.

    The key for me is in what his masculine instincts prod him to do regardless of what I think. With a man who is always willing to pay I will offer now and again to see what he is made of.



  309.  #309Tam on January 21, 2013 at 11:43 am

    Most men, if I offer to pay, act shocked.
    Hehe. I like it 🙂



  310.  #310Calypso on January 21, 2013 at 11:43 am

    i don’t know what I want to call this new POF CD. He is really coming on strong right now with the flirting and I’m loving it after the pitiful weekend and morning I had. I think for now I’m going to call him Hound – Lol. I don’t know why, but that pleases me and what more reason could I need right now? I feel inspired to take better care of myself already – just walked the building for the first time since I got sick and felt the stretching in my legs . . . I needed this pick-me-up soooo bad!



  311.  #311Tam on January 21, 2013 at 11:44 am

    Yeh, maybe I’ll keep him as a lover. A cook? He is a good cook…and a reasonably good lover.
    Hey ho. There’s a plan for Tam!



  312.  #312Starla on January 21, 2013 at 11:45 am

    jilly,
    elope in the tropics

    have a reception on YOUR time. when you feel is a good time. it could be in a year. who cares.

    YOUR marriage, no one else’s

    but if you do feel compelled to have the ceremony for all to attend, wedding planner all the way!



  313.  #313Starla on January 21, 2013 at 11:48 am

    I agree with tam… it’s sweet to buy lunch. we have our own incomes and can give back a little financially from time to time.

    i would not feel good about a man inviting me somewhere expensive and then expecting me to pay without talking to me about it before i’m at the cash register. yuck.



  314.  #314Tam on January 21, 2013 at 11:50 am

    313. totally!



  315.  #315Memulo on January 21, 2013 at 11:54 am

    Thank you Tam. He drove there and he actually owns an apartment next to the mountain, so that part didn’t cost him anything extra. I brought some food with me and he did too, so that took care of snacks, lunches and bfasts. He took me out for dinner. This weekend I invited him to a show.he asked later out of curiosity how much the tickets were. I told him they’re expensive but I have a way of getting them on a discount. I could see he felt upset (that I invest very little in our outings)



  316.  #316Starla on January 21, 2013 at 11:55 am

    I am actually planning a treat for my guy — i’m going to take him to this german restaurant that is really great and treat him to dinner and a beer sampler, and i will drive so he can kick back and relax and enjoy the beer and food. he loves all things german, and i would love to spend one evening showing him how much i appreciate him by showing him a special time.

    it’s up my sleeve for a later date.

    i started to type out just now all the things he’s spent money on for me, but i realize i was just typing that to keep you ladies from saying i’m nuts for taking him out and showing him a special time. and also, i’m not doing it because he’s given me a laptop, or because it costs him a good 15-20 bucks in gas every time we have a date (he lives in another city), or because he is always buying me food and treats… but because i just feel inspired to do this nice thing for him.



  317.  #317Starla on January 21, 2013 at 11:57 am

    Memulo, 315, it sounds like you really have to address the money thing with this guy before you go out again.

    tell him, “i noticed money is kind of an issue with us…. and i feel scared to say anything because i don’t want to appear like a gold digger, and i’m not — i don’t require extravagant dates and it feels good to just get to know you, but i don’t feel good paying, etc. etc….”

    Also, I wouldn’t have invited him to a show… why did you? you’re feeling weird and not good about him; why did you invite him out? it’s like you went out of your way to do the opposite of what your true feelings are. Memulo, what’s up with that? for real?



  318.  #318Goodheart on January 21, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    Jilly, I feel the same way – we are planning a September wedding and I feel lost. I would elope in a heartbeat & have a little reception at our house, but his family is coming in from another state so that changes things.

    We both want to have it in Sedona though & so we are working on manifesting that 🙂



  319.  #319Tam on January 21, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    315 eeek Memulo. Why should you invest?
    I feel sceptic about that.
    Curly is hard up but he has already looked at ways to make me have an income by renting out my place and moving in with him – of course I won’t…but just to illustrate…I think if I offered to take him for dinner he would equate that with having his penis cut off….he wouldn’t accept it anyways, I know that for sure. I did see him cringe at me buying us drinks yesterday. But he was on his phone and I kinda got them. I was triggered by the fact that he didn’t have cash but I am still thinking it was his laziness and/or just not thinking. And he did search for an ATM but I couldn’t be bothered to join him, so…
    Anyhow. I wouldn’t like being with a guy who expected me to spend money on him or us. YIKES.



  320.  #320Tam on January 21, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    Starla, I am a firm believer in doing what feels good…you want to show him a nice time and buy him a Schnitzel? Or a big Bratwurst? Why not girl?!
    😉



  321.  #321Femininewoman on January 21, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    ((((((((((((((((((((Memulo))))))))))))))))))))))))



  322.  #322Femininewoman on January 21, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    Memulo I know you are slowly finding your path



  323.  #323Tam on January 21, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    Did I just write I was a firm believer in doing what feels good? Affection and sex feels good. Committing to someone who doesn’t feel right does not feel good.
    Bingo!



  324.  #324Starla on January 21, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    yep some schnitzel and german beers and he can sit back and relax and enjoy:) oh and browse the candy shop and deli they have there.

    he rarely ever drinks and won’t drive even if he’s had 1 beer, lol. i love that about him.

    awww i love thinking of ways to show him i appreciate him

    and he’s always thinking of me. so it works out perfect:)

    i could never keep up with all he does for me, anyway



  325.  #325Starla on January 21, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    Rori, I’m glad your pup is doing better:)



  326.  #326Calypso on January 21, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    The Hound just asked me how tall I am – I replied I’m 5’9″ barefoot . . . he says we are the same height, which puts us lip to lip . . . oh my . . .

    He’s telling me he likes to kiss – slow and long and deep.

    Hello!



  327.  #327Annie on January 21, 2013 at 12:16 pm

    267: Tam says:

    “Annie, as for empty words. It doesn’t feel good to me to make threats to men or give them ultimatums.”

    Me neither, it feels better to me to observe the actions and then decide if those actions are tolerable or deal breakers and boundaries for me and and compatible with what I want in a relationship.
    And if they are not to speak my truth authentically in feeling messages/wants/don’t wants and then walk away an honor my words with actions that match if it is a deal breaker/ intolerable boundary.

    To me personally, pot addict/ alcoholic / etc any addict would be a deal breaker as I don’t want to be in a relationship with an addict, but accept that for others that might not be a deal breaker or an intolerable boundary and is tolerable to them.

    As an observer what felt confusing to me is that if stated that it was a deal breaker. When it clearly wasn’t.

    I read your reply to BeLoved though and now understand that you didn’t mean dealbreaker. TY.



  328.  #328Tam on January 21, 2013 at 12:24 pm

    Agree with ya Annie.
    Though people can be addicted to lots of things. Including their telephone. That is one of my biggest ones. There is nothing more irritating than a guy glued to his phone 24/7.
    OMG. It’s right up there with gambling, pot etc. I am dead serious. Sooo rude!



  329.  #329Annie on January 21, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    I Gosh I hate that re phone.



  330.  #330Tam on January 21, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    Which leads me to wonder…are there any men left that qualify? And if so, are we all after the same guy? Lol



  331.  #331Starla on January 21, 2013 at 12:29 pm

    what’s funny is i probably couldn’t be with a guy if he’s not a regular pot smoker.



  332.  #332Annie on January 21, 2013 at 12:30 pm

    I feel reminiscent and amused, recently when having a coffee I got up and moved to another table to drink my coffee on my own.

    My old way would have been to sit their feeling bad and upset or to have had a go and maybe taken the phone off them if I was already in a long term committed relationship with them and thrown it at them.

    It did feel so much better to walk away and sit and drink my coffee in peace and enjoy it.
    Would have felt really stressful doing waht I used to do.



  333.  #333Annie on January 21, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    If we always did what we did we will always get what we got.

    And I now want to feel calm peaceful, happy and loved, NOT stressed and upset.



  334.  #334Tam on January 21, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    Ha, Annie, I enjoyed the coffee anecdote…quite brave too. I’d have made a sarky comment first and drank up quickly probably. Moving to another table takes guts….



  335.  #335Silver-Tongued Siren on January 21, 2013 at 12:48 pm

    Sha-Sha,

    I think there are a lot of factors and different reasons for different women in those situations. For some, who have no children, it may be easier, but for many that may play a factor – not having resources to leave, or knowing there will be further abuse if they are found out trying to leave, or he will find them anyway later.. or just be charming and rope them back in – when things are good they’re good. Or maybe they are confused, as the dynamics of an abusive relationship can be very confusing. There are many websites you could check out that outline behaviors in emotionally or physically abusive relationships and help you to understand the dynamics of such a thing.

    As far as my own relationship, I realize I vent a lot here and do not share much else. For a while it had been very hard for us to have a good emotional connection, but we typically have a very passionate, energetic, amazing relationship, and work very well together. I know he loves me, I can feel it and see it. I see his growth as well, and his efforts to please me and do his best. And he has always been devastated by the idea that I may leave and he will never see the baby or I again.

    The only times there have been issues of that sort, (sleeping with someone else) it seemed triggered by something, which I’ve finally identified – he either feels controlled or taken advantage of (“being his dependent”).

    I also don’t believe that infidelity should always be the end of a relationship, I think it can be learned from. I think it is not always easy to learn what’s going on and address it, especially if that person seems unable to feel clearly about what’s happening, but feels bad about hurting you. But over time in a relationship many things are considered. Only time will tell.

    Some of his responses in general have felt very confusing to me until I considered that he may be bipolar. In learning ways to deal with those behaviors very recently, my learned responses seem to help, as well, so I feel even more certain that this may be the issue. At the very least, the responses help, regardless.

    Bipolar is more complex than I thought, especially when it comes to flawed perceptions, fears of being controlled, etc. Being in the middle of it can feel very confusing, and being the partner, you get blamed for what’s going on often, since they often can’t see clearly any better explanation.

    Challenges in a relationship are going to have to be dealt with and learned from anyway – so I’d rather keep my partner! Especially when he is trying to figure it out. But, for now, he’s choosing to figure it out with a large amount of space. So I’ll give him space alright 😉 Doing my best, anyway.

    Observing his current actions, he seems to have his own “story” about what’s happening, but I feel and also see (from things he asks me, trying to gain a better understanding) that he is questioning, trying to make sense of things. I think he sometimes realizes his perceptions may be off and that he may have irrational expectations sometimes. I can see that he is very confused by his actions and by our interactions right now, but has *no idea how to fix it* at this moment, and so has attempted to simply get away from the “pain”.

    I don’t think he is seriously considering the possibility of bipolar right now. I believe to him, he sees a very different reality at times, and it makes it confusing and impossible to see what’s happening in a clear way sometimes, so he doesn’t suspect bipolar as much. I think he’s doing the best he knows how right now and honestly thinks he’s doing what’s best for all of us, (our family) individually at least, since currently he doesn’t know how to “fix” us as a whole.

    He is also going to counseling on his own. Something I have requested several times in the last few months, but he would not pay for us to go. He said he would go if *I* paid for it (I can’t). But recently he met a girl who turned out to be a therapist of some sort and ended up booking some sessions with her for himself. (Even when he disagrees with something I say, he will most often go back and do it when enough time has passed that it becomes HIS IDEA..lol).

    I would feel better if this was couples counseling, so they could have a balanced view of things, getting both our perceptions. They aren’t considering personality disorders, really it seems aimed more at coaching a person to reach their desires in life – but I haven’t been present at any of the six sessions he is paying to attend, so I don’t honestly know.

    I also have always been very empathic and sensitive, and lay that on top of the extremely strong energetic/soul connection we have as the result of our relationship, it allows me to sense a lot of things that are more subtle between us. This has been a real gift allowing me to love him more unconditionally than I would otherwise, being able to observe what’s going on with him. Thankfully I have also been learning how to handle my energy well, but it’s been a long slow journey.

    Our connection is so strong that I have had to make an effort to “disconnect” myself at times, so I can control how much his energy, thoughts, feelings, expectations pull on me, since they affect me very strongly. Now I can do it to some extent on demand if I need to. Lately I have found it very hard to disconnect, but have done better this weekend.

    Our energetic (?) connection is always so strong that I can tell where he is, what he’s surrounded by, what he’s doing, how he’s feeling. When I am touching him I can even align with him in such a way, that I can physically feel in my body what he is feeling in his. Such a connection can be a difficult thing at times, but also the mysterious connection and blessing of being in a marriage, part of the glue that keeps you together.

    Maybe that has a lot to do with it for many people too.

    He and I have a very interesting journey together. I love it and find our relationship very fulfilling. If it were not often good, or if I never saw growth and effort, I wouldn’t be with him. It would feel easier to inspire him to get there a little faster if I didn’t have a very young child full time and no real income or ability to get away to work enough to make a full income. (which triggers his fear of being controlled and me being his “dependent”/taking advantage of him, though he has some irrational ideas about how much I can realistically do at a time when it comes to finances, home and baby). It’s a lot easier to help things out when I am more free to work, or have less time with baby but we’re getting there – babies aren’t babies forever!
    He also feels less triggered when either of us (HIMSELF INCLUDED) are making more money and he feels more able to take care of everyone, even though we are not truly adding that much financial burden. Especially when you consider all I do for him.

    I am just glad that MILW is considering things, even though I am unhappy with the way he’s choosing to do it (causing difficulty for me and our kids) but from his perception he honestly seems to believe he’s doing the best thing and I think he truly doesn’t know what else to do. It’s been very upsetting for me the last few weeks, but it’s getting better. When I am feeling good I know not to take this personally, it’s about him.. and tho I am being “affected by it” right now, being pushed out of our home and having an even more difficult time, there are a lot of things I no longer have to be affected by, so that makes it easier and honestly I kind of have more leverage right now. He lost his reassurance and leverage, now that I am not in our house. I am sure no matter what that our connection is strong enough, I am always on his mind. He just has to figure himself out. In the meantime I’ve just got to forget about it, have fun and stay light. Easier said than done? ..lol.



  336.  #336Silver-Tongued Siren on January 21, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    Hm. MILW and I rent our house out for events. I have always taken care of these details, but since making me leave he has created a new profile on his own (..mine is more thorough though, better organization, more pics, and ..I’m a female… 🙂

    His new ad is going for $800 a night, mine is $1000 and getting plenty of responses.

    It was set up to text him these responses – but he can’t respond.

    He texted the other night to see if I could forward him these. I had to find out the password so I could look at it. He always needs me to “fix” things and “find” things, and I am always helping him with computer issues, etc.

    Now he doesn’t have me for that.
    Since looking at the ads, I am now considering writing him and telling him the following:

    “My listing is going for $1000 rather than $800 a night and it seems it’s getting plenty of responses. I’m not sure why they’re even seeing the ad, as it appears to be “hidden”.

    I could give you access to the account with the ads I created – responding from this account would be more convenient for the people who are responding to this ad already.
    You could do $800/night and I could make the difference of $200/night when booked, which could help baby and I a little. What do you think? What do you want me to do?”

    Sound good? Cause I’m about to send it.



  337.  #337Starla on January 21, 2013 at 12:58 pm

    hehehehe I once texted QZ a “countdown” to when we’d see each other later that day. just one message “5 hours, 13 minutes…”

    and now every time we have a plan to see each other, he sends me countdown texts all day the day of.

    it feels so sweet. i feel so wanted.



  338.  #338Starla on January 21, 2013 at 12:58 pm

    I like that calling him qz is my habit now. so much better than “CF” (crack fix)



  339.  #339Memulo on January 21, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    FW, thank you, another very valuable tip. But I have to say this – no matter what I say or don’t say when faced with the situation it is them who show how they want to treat us.



  340.  #340Lori on January 21, 2013 at 1:20 pm

    Feeling a little on the sad side today. Tired I guess. He called but didn’t say anything. The number was blocked so didn’t realize it was him. I hung up because I didn’t know who it was. He called again asking if I called him. I said no, he called me. He said that he tried to click over but couldn’t. Then he said he’d call me back. The mood I’m in, I felt like saying “whatever”. I didn’t though.



  341.  #341Dominique on January 21, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    Thank you Jilly so much – 307

    xxoo



  342.  #342Turquoise on January 21, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    I’m going to read back and catch up, but wanted to post and share how I’m feeling today.

    Which is kind of in the soup. I had a nice weekend seeing Sweetheart, and Saturday the girls and I got to meet his son. He didn’t have much money to spend, so we went hiking in the woods, and while there he thanked me for saying yes to spending time together with the kids and finding something fun to do. (we were heading roller skating after) I had a quizzacle look on my face and said you are welcome, glad we got to be together. He said he wasn’t used to someone saying yes. It reminded me of how little time my ex spent with us before the divorce, often saying no when I asked him to be with us. It made me wonder, does that happen in all relationships? Does wanting to be together fade that much, that we automatically say no?
    The kids were all hungry after skating, so I took us out to eat, and spent more than I wanted to, but felt bad taking him and his son home first…. which, he totally wouldn’t have minded… but it felt cheap. But now I feel a little frustrated. Wondering if I can seriously date someone with such limited finances, who’s situation may not improve for up to a year. My mom told me how much she likes him, she could tell he was a very nice person, but she also brought up how hard it could be to be with someone without financial security and health issues. I’m not ignoring that, not at all… and have shared that his finances would have to improve before we could move on, but I guess I’m counting on the fact that it will change. I’ve seen other men that I’ve dated, who weren’t in a good place, get on their feet and get married. So, I wanted to be open minded, that where he is now, isn’t WHO he is… and that things can continue to improve. But I don’t know what to do. I see how easily this could slip into a very comfortable relationship, spending time together, laughing, sharing, being happy… with love and feelings growing stronger. But am I making a mistake? If I couldn’t be happy with where he is now, forever…. am I wrong to persue this relationship?

    Something is missing, and I feel it’s the reality/serious factor, which is a big part of my personality. It’s very fun to be with him, it warms my heart to feel so comfortable with him and so so adored… but I don’t know that it would be enough for me, or outweigh the financial aspect of what I’d need to feel secure. I can’t possibly support a man, I just don’t make enough money.

    In an effort to not automatically say no to C (my ex-husband) when he asks me for something…. I agreed to drive the girls 3 hours to meet him for a ski weekend in early Feb. Most of you know how much he does for me, I don’t mind reciprocating. But this is further than usual, so he invited me to stay the weekend, rather than drive back and forth. I want to go. Not to be romantic with him, but to have a weekend away, to see my girls enjoy skiing, to take advantage of the opportunity and get some lessons… if I suck to sit by a fire and read…. and to have someone else pay for everything. C will pay for all of it and I miss that special feeling from being treated and not worrying about the money, or coming up with the cheapest dates possible. I feel really torn. Sweetheart is amazingly kind, gentle, sweet, but also sexy and fun. We laugh all the time. But I want to do more than share a pizza, be outside… rent movies or watch TV. He has paid for bigger dates, and when he has the money, he’d pay for everything, but he just doesn’t have it.

    I feel like I’ll have to choose between this wonderfully warm, sweet relationship and being with someone else more financially secure who probably won’t feel like my soul mate.

    I told Sweetheart I wouldn’t be able to see him during the week, just a busy one and conserving my gas until payday… and he totally understood. But I feel like I need some space to think things through. The way he touches me is intoxicating and makes me want to not ever get off the couch!

    Any other sirens ever in this situation?

    On a good note…. I did my taxes and getting back a better return than I expected and have a savings plan in mind to get my nest egg where I want it to be by summer, plus pay off some debt. I feel secure in that.



  343.  #343Memulo on January 21, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    Starla, I invited him to the show a little while ago, before the ski trip.

    I don’t think he will change his money spending habits for me. I’ll have to see what part I will be able to change.

    Something went off in me after smartcd. I remember him saying how crazy he was about me. How he couldn’t wait to see me. It’s all changing so easily for them!



  344.  #344Memulo on January 21, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    Starla, your German place plan sounds like a dream date! I’d definitely do it!!



  345.  #345Starbright on January 21, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    (((Silver Tongued Siren)))

    I feel like I would be so tempted to move from the area and start anew.

    It sounds so frustrating that the triangle with your two men and their sleeping with others continues except that now you have no home.

    You and baby both deserve so much more!!!



  346.  #346Mercedes on January 21, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    Here’s the tough part about manifesting for me:

    How do I keep the panic at bay?

    This feels very strange to write but I’ve been manifesting my dreams lately (a lot) and today, something came up that could very well plop three of the most important aspects of my dreams right into my lap.

    We all know the way to manifest is to fully believe what you want is actually happening, right? So you’re grateful for it even before it’s “really” here.

    That’s all good.

    But now that it has been said out loud…now that the opportunity is right here at my fingertips…now that I can practically TASTE it…what do I do?

    Do I continue to say “thank you”? Do I continue to send positive vibrations in that direction? Do I continue to believe?

    Nooooo…

    Instead…I panic! I’m so afraid to be grateful because I don’t want to feel disappointed so instead of saying “thank you”, I say “OMG!!!!!” and freak out! I mean “what if none of it actually happens and I’ve already been thanking G0d for bringing it all to me”? – which is the exact type of thought that attracts it to NOT happen! Ugh!

    I’m kind of disappointed in myself right now and I fully intend to change my vibrations toward the positive here because, as I said, I can almost touch THREE of my biggest dreams! Why would, if manifesting really does work as I believe it does, why would I even consider pushing away everything I’ve been manifesting since Jan. 1 when I wrote my letter to myself?

    What’s the worst that can happen if I’m disappointed? I stop believing? I stop trying? I stop praying and saying thank you?

    Really Mercedes???? Scared to be grateful for something that isn’t here yet? Isn’t that EXACTLY the way the power of attraction works? You don’t believe it is happening so it doesn’t or you do believe it is happening so it does.

    Maybe I’m afraid because I don’t usually have this much warning before I manifest something for myself. All the other stuff has just sort of “happened” without me having any time to think about them. With these three, I have a little warning. True test to my ability to continue to believe…

    Frustrated with myself for putting the breaks on really believing.

    Breathe…be still…quiet your mind…BELIEVE…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  347.  #347Starla on January 21, 2013 at 2:07 pm

    Memulo

    “I don’t think he will change his money spending habits for me. I’ll have to see what part I will be able to change.”

    What do you mean what part you can change? I’m a bit confused



  348.  #348Turquoise on January 21, 2013 at 2:12 pm

    Jilly, nice to hear from you! Hang in there with the horomones… 🙂 you’ll feel more yourself by 4 months. So exciting about the wedding too! I say have it now, we planned to have a reception later and never did. I feel sad I didn’t get to really celebrate my marriage.

    Starla… thats awesome you shared how you really felt and he worked through it and responded the way he did!

    Memulo, Tam…. seems like a common topic with money here. SH would never invite me and expect me to pay, he hates when I do pay for us, but I told him that I like to do things, and it’s ok for me to pay sometimes. When his finances are better, he can pay for everything if he wants. His intention is there, but I don’t want to sit at home all winter, yet don’t want to pay for most either, so I feel stuck. He only gets paid once a month and his prescriptions are expensive, so just not a lot to work with after expenses too. He did tell me that the first thing he is going to do when he gets paid is fill my gas tank and he is planning something special for us. Which all feels wonderful, but in 2 weeks he’ll be broke again, so basically we are taking turns paying.

    I’m leaving work now, will be back on later tonight! Hugs sirens! I have more I want to respond to…. but I’ve got to pick up the girls.

    Hugs!

    Turquoise

    PS. Where do you all buy your lingerie? SH told me he wants to give me a huge Victoria Secret gift certificate next Christmas… but I know there have to be other places to buy awesome lingerie! I could use an update in that department.



  349.  #349BeLoved on January 21, 2013 at 2:12 pm

    346
    Mercedes…

    Don’t keep the panic at bay!
    Breathe it through…it’s like a cloud
    Don’t beat yourself up for it (or do, whatever, it’s your experience, have at it ;))!
    My tantrika friend taught me to take a big, quick, very strong sniff from my belly to the point between my eyes, and then one more deep sniff and exhale the breath through the top of my head.
    Ecstatic fear!



  350.  #350Memulo on January 21, 2013 at 2:14 pm

    Turquoise l don’t know.. Can he do anything else except for that job? Does hexreally have to wait for a year?



  351.  #351Memulo on January 21, 2013 at 2:17 pm

    Starla, I mean he is counting money and it’s part if who he is. It’s this way with everyone. I can’t expect it to change for me.



  352.  #352Goodheart on January 21, 2013 at 2:17 pm

    Aw Mercedes, I am right there with you. When I manifest quickly it is so easy, but when something is a little ways off in the distance there is so much more time to get myself all tangled up.

    The only I can do is distract the bejeevus (?) out of myself by doing fun things or things that just take up my time so I don’t focus so much on what I want.

    Because letting go and trusting the universe is key to manifesting.

    And I also remind myself of the big things that I did manifest & that usually gives me a boost of belief 🙂



  353.  #353Starla on January 21, 2013 at 2:19 pm

    Memulo, thanks for explaining. I thought for a second you were entertaining ways you could change for him, to accommodate the “way he is”! eeek



  354.  #354Goodheart on January 21, 2013 at 2:20 pm

    Oh and also, when I start to feel that panic or doubt – I close my eyes, smile and put my hand on my heart and say, “all is well.”



  355.  #355Memulo on January 21, 2013 at 2:20 pm

    Turquoise every big department store has langerie section with products from different companies. I’m not a huge fan of VS myself.



  356.  #356Memulo on January 21, 2013 at 2:24 pm

    I kbow I somewhat lost my status with smartcd when shared my financial issues, so don’t want this to happen again. I need to find the way around it somehow



  357.  #357Starla on January 21, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    frederick’s of hollywood has cuter lingerie than VS 😀



  358.  #358Tam on January 21, 2013 at 2:31 pm

    Turquoise, Curly is also hard up. And so am I. It is not fun, but if everything else was perfect this would not be a deal breaker for me. It’s just like everything else. Something to be thought about carefully and considered and communicated over.



  359.  #359Starla on January 21, 2013 at 2:31 pm

    Memulo, I would postulate that it’s not the financial issues that lowered your status, but your vibe around them. A recurring theme comes up for you, it seems — you don’t feel worthy of needing help or expecting a man to pay for your dates.

    This is why a successful man will dump an independent woman when the going gets tough in her life, but will stick with a damsel in distress community college drop-out type. I really believe it boils down to her vibe and how worthy she feels.



  360.  #360Memulo on January 21, 2013 at 2:31 pm

    Starla I feel uneasy about this. he’s been taking me out for 2.5 months and I didn’t pay. I invited him to a show once before and I cooked for him a couple of times. Was it my ‘turn’ to pay for myself? I don’t know



  361.  #361Starla on January 21, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    Memulo, it wasn’t your “turn” at the ski resort he invited you to.

    it’s never your “turn”

    you can feel inspired to treat him, but never obligated.

    i’m really sensing obligation and unworthiness from you!!



  362.  #362Memulo on January 21, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    Starla maybe you’re right. His ex hardly had any education and certainly didn’t have a job. She constantly demanded the best though and continues to do it now. And he found the ways to justify it along with justifying her physical aggressiveness that left him needing medical treatment for a while.
    But since I slipped this time with my cd and didn’t tell him anything I wonder if I can still do it



  363.  #363Starla on January 21, 2013 at 2:41 pm

    of course you can still tell him 😀

    i encourage it. it’ll be good practice.



  364.  #364Mercedes on January 21, 2013 at 2:46 pm

    Thanks ladies. I just did a meditation in my office and I’m purposely thinking positive thoughts and being grateful and reminding myself that everything really does happen for a reason and that only good things can happen to me and that I don’t always know what the “good things” are so even if something is “bad” (or seems to be right now), it might actually be the best thing ever.

    That was my meditation and is my reminder and so I say “Thank you…for all I am being blessed with in this moment.”

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  365.  #365Starla on January 21, 2013 at 2:49 pm

    you should tell him, and if you don’t like his answer, you should dump his ass.

    that’s the beauty of loving yourself enough to communicate your true needs — if he thinks they’re ridiculous, you get to stop wasting your precious time on him.

    anyway, you don’t even want this guy that bad. i wonder why you’re worrying so much about keeping him around?



  366.  #366Lori on January 21, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    Ladies, I need your help. I’ve been sitting here crying. He called. I let it go to voicemail. I feel so angry and hurt. Frankly, I feel like telling him to go EF himself. I know, I feel like saying “why are you calling me? What is it that you want”” He said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship so then why call me?



  367.  #367Starla on January 21, 2013 at 2:52 pm

    Aw, Lori. Hugs to you



  368.  #368Tam on January 21, 2013 at 2:59 pm

    Lori, oh. Things will get better. I dumped MrP when he expressed that he wasn’t my ‘boyfriend’. I told him no friendship, nothing and ‘goodbye’. Cried for a couple of days, felt angry and sad for some more. Not looking back. He doesn’t deserve me.
    He doesn’t deserve you.
    Not now and not like that. Things might change, they might not.
    Take good care of yourself!!
    And BTW, since I made the cut, he re-appeared several times. I now choose whether to give him time of day or not for communication. Mostly I don’t.
    I feel way better.
    If I can do it, anyone can.



  369.  #369Tam on January 21, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    I still have feelings for him and he for me, I know that. Mostly mine are not raw anymore, just dull, like
    ‘he’s somebody that I used to know’.
    It’s manageable, like a minor headache now and then.



  370.  #370Tam on January 21, 2013 at 3:03 pm

    Starla, you should be a relationship coach! I’d hire you if I had money 🙂



  371.  #371Lori on January 21, 2013 at 3:06 pm

    Tam, I just feel angry and hurt. He puts out no effort me. What, a phone call here and there? Big whoop. He knows that i wanted us to meet to talk. He said okay but hasn’t made the time. He doesn’t make time for me. He said he doesn’t want a relationship but to just be friends. So why is he bothering to call?

    I’m always accessible, available to him. I almost always answer and respond. It’s always when it’s convenient for him. Yeah, I know, I sound angry and resentful. That’s how I’m feeling. I deserve better than to be treated like this. I’m beautiful, loving, a great mom, person, I’m successful with my career. I’m well rounded, educated and smart. There is a whole lot to me and I deserve someone who wants to make time for me.



  372.  #372Starla on January 21, 2013 at 3:09 pm

    wow thanks, tam!



  373.  #373Lori on January 21, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    I would really appreciate some suggestions and advice. I’m not responding to his call or text at this point. Yes, he left a v/m and then sent a text stating that he left me a v/m. Like I don’t know that.



  374.  #374Lori on January 21, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    I feel like telling him that when he can make time for us to talk face to face to let me know. Until then, I want to be left alone.



  375.  #375Tam on January 21, 2013 at 3:12 pm

    Lori, I get that. In my situation I told him ‘no more friends/ fwb’ and went cold Turkey. He hauled ass for a month and tried again. Got the same message. It’s the best way.
    Cut it to save yourself.



  376.  #376Starla on January 21, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    yesterday i performed my first professional reiki service on another person. i actually did it for FIVE people yesterday! i feel excited to keep going down this path.



  377.  #377Tam on January 21, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    Unless a man is begging me for a relationship, for me it’s a ‘no go’ nowadays. I don’t even let myself think about it.



  378.  #378Heart on January 21, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    New thread is up.



  379.  #379Lori on January 21, 2013 at 3:25 pm

    Would it really be so bad for me to tell him that if he wants to talk, it needs to be face to face? Even to myself it sounds controlling. yuck.



  380.  #380Starla on January 21, 2013 at 3:31 pm

    Lori, it does sound like you want to control the outcome. that is why you want to punish him with silence instead of being open to what he is offering right now, because then you might get hurt.

    if you can’t do the rori raye 3rd way with him, yes, definitely let him go. but you won’t “get him” as your man by giving him an ultimatum (in the form of ‘don’t contact me unless you want to have a relationship’)



  381.  #381Lori on January 21, 2013 at 3:33 pm

    Yes Starla, even I see it. I just don’t want to call because I’m afraid I will break down and cry. Please explain the Rori 3rd way.



  382.  #382Emerson on January 21, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    Mercedes
    I know what you mean about being on the brink of something and then freaking out. I’ve done it to myself a few times in life, mostly with job opportunities. I was on the edge of a career opportunity and my energy was resisting it, I got scared, commitment phobic?!? Doubtful? But i said nothing of that allusion to anyone and guess what happened anyway…someone else got he job.



  383.  #383Emerson on January 21, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    Mercedes I love how in your other post you were able to meditate and bring it all back around ….. Thank you



  384.  #384Starla on January 21, 2013 at 3:39 pm

    someone else will have to chime in cuz i gotta go! good luck, lori. take nice care of yourself. there’s no rush. it’s okay to keep him waiting a day or two to call him back. you can always fib and tell him you’ve been sooo busy. if anything, his attraction will grow.



  385.  #385Lori on January 21, 2013 at 3:41 pm

    Thanks Starla. Mercedes? Do you know?



  386.  #386Starbright on January 21, 2013 at 4:05 pm

    Lori,

    My understanding of the Rori Third way is where you keep dating your guy if you are able to keep your heart open and treat him just like any other cd. And, get busy cding and giving your time to the guy who asks first to take you out.

    The guy you have been into initially will either step up because your vibe is up and he feels the competition or he will disappear because he cannot or is unwilling to step up.



  387.  #387Tereana on January 21, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    It’s a weird thing about balance, and energy.

    I was just standing at the bus stop, on my way into work. Suddenly, this guy is hitting on me. Straightforward, telling me about himself, asking of I’m single, and saying that he’s interested. He sent me a text, and so I sent him one back. He asked me out on a date.

    While he was talking to me, I almost told him that I wasn’t really “looking” right now. But I looked right into his eyes, and I could feel this friendly vibe from him, and so I didn’t. I stayed open, I smiled, and I let him get my number.

    Ok, here’s where the “energy” part comes in: his last text didn’t really warrant a response. He told me to have a nice day. I could have left it at that. But, on some impulse that seemed very driving (was it “guilt”? Was it some form of feeling “obligated” always to respond to people’s messages? I don’t know. But it didn’t feel very authentic.) I sent back a “thx. You too”

    And then after that, my floaty, “I just got nicely hit on!” vibe sort of vanished.

    Oh well. Maybe I am making too big a deal out of a small thing. I’m sure he probably didn’t even notice.

    But for me, it brings up bad memories of listening to my parents fight. My mom would always have to get “the last word.” And thence dad would say how she always had to do that. To which she would have some sort of reply, therefore getting in the last word. Sort of ridiculous, actually.

    In my life, I feel like I don’t want to be like that. I want to be the cool girl who DOESN’T need to get in the last word. Who can walk away and not say a thing and be okay with that. Whew! What would that feel like?

    That would feel like: strong self-confidence. It would feel like personal power. It would feel like having access to my inner resources, knowledge and intuition. It would feel like trusting myself, trusting the universe. It would feel like having boundaries. And it would feel like knowing that I am okay.

    It would be “leaning back.” and I’m seeing and feeling “insecurity” after leaning forward. And insecurity made me do it. I felt fine and very secure before I sent off the text.

    Can I feel secure now, even though I’ve sent it?

    Hm…that’s a fun thought. : )

    I’ve noticed that my vibe shifted the moment that I thought that. That’s pretty cool! 🙂

    I feel open to seeing what is happening in front of me, whether with him or anyone else… But I don’t want to move too quickly. I’ve noticed that my “trigger” for bad behavior is a declaration of commitment. So I am not in any hurry to get committed to anyone right now…



  388.  #388Lori on January 21, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    Thanks Starbright. I did respond to his text (an hour later) and asked if it was a good time. He responded with “I’ll call you in 20 minutes”. I’m going out on a hike. If he reaches me, he reaches me.



  389.  #389Mercedes on January 21, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    Lori: I’m so sorry… I think he keeps reaching out to you because he wants to be your friend and that’s what friends do. I think you need to believe him and decide for yourself if you can just be friends with him and if you can’t, then you need to ask him to stop contacting you. If he can’t do that then you probably need to ignore him. His words and actions are saying “friend”…it’s time for you to trust that. 🙁 I disagree with Starla a little here. I don’t think that fibbing to a man and pretending to be busy changes your vibe at all. I think they can feel the lie. I think it’s time for you to be frank and upfront with HIM and then truly stop being his friend. You’ll actually be busy soon and there will be no need for the fib but until then, feel your true feelings, convey those and then cut all ties. If he wants nothing more than friendship then only you can decide if you are willing to give him that.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  390.  #390Turquoise on January 21, 2013 at 4:33 pm

    Memulo, he has a bad back and had 3 surgeries. He has pins and rods holding his spine together, so he goes to therapy weekly and a lot of dr. Appointments. He’s getting stronger and feeling better, but will be a long road. He’s on disability from his job and waiting to find out if his social security disability will go through. It will be substantially more than he has now. Then, he can also work part time, but a full time job will take some time for him to get back to. It can take up to 14 months for his social security to be decided. He’s also going through a divorce so finances are strained all around. This won’t change quickly. But he does have a plan, and is patient.



  391.  #391Dominique on January 21, 2013 at 4:33 pm

    Sorry Miss M. I disagree. I don’t think he really wants to be friends so much. I think he feels confused and in order to quell his feelings of guilt and confusion, he keeps reaching out, maybe trying to assure himself that you’re still there in some capacity. Basically stringing you along though I don’t think he’s being malicious. I think he’s unaware of what he’s doing.

    Then again it’s not our job to speculate what he’s thinking and why he’s doing what he is.

    It’s your job to recognize that this feels bad, and so you take care of yourself around this whatever ths looks like for you.

    xxoo



  392.  #392Turquoise on January 21, 2013 at 4:35 pm

    Mercedes, thank you for sharing what you are thinking/feeling about manifesting. I totally forgot I could do that! I need to make a new vision board!!!



  393.  #393Sha-sha on January 21, 2013 at 5:04 pm

    @silver tongue! Thanks for ur story advice and input I really apperciate it! I’m gonna look into it more…….. I wanna thank all U ladies and Rori! I’ve only been here a couple months but thanks to all of U and ur stories and advice I’m learning so Much about myself and its making me stronger everyday! All of U are so inspirational to me and U all make me feel like I can achive anything in my life!! Just wanna give U all respect ur so brave and. Its so awesome everyone can come here without being judged…….I’m a very private shy person and ur all helping me get stronger in expressing myself xoxox thanks much respect



  394.  #394Lori on January 21, 2013 at 8:28 pm

    I went on a hike right after work. He called and I answered. He offered me a business proposition which frankly, I would be a fool to turn down. After we talked about it, I said that I would still really like to get together and talk. I also said that I wasn’t sure if he wanted to and if he really didn’t want to talk, that he could tell me. He said that he did and that if he didn’t want to talk, that he would absolutely tell me. He also said that he was going to be out of town a few days this week.



  395.  #395Indigo on January 21, 2013 at 9:30 pm

    Lori

    I am going to post my input on the new thread.

    xx



  396.  #396Lori on January 21, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    okay, I’ll be watching for it. Thanks Indigo.



  397.  #397Starla on January 22, 2013 at 8:35 am

    ” I disagree with Starla a little here. I don’t think that fibbing to a man and pretending to be busy changes your vibe at all. I think they can feel the lie. ”

    Lori, Mercedes, what I mean is a girl can take a day or two to herself and can just fib and say she was busy. I mean, if it’s some man you’re not even actively dating. We don’t have to panic cuz the phone’s ringing, or feel guilty. It can be really as simple as fibbing once and saying you were busy. Men do this all the time when they feel overwhelmed.



  398.  #398Gary Coxe on January 23, 2013 at 6:16 am

    Dogs are fragile, I love them! They are true and like what they say, man’s best friend. My dog cheers me up at times, though I might not understand him always but he understands me well. Love the post! Very moving. 🙂



  399.  #399Radlove on February 1, 2013 at 3:06 am

    Nutrition can heal or harm a body, and yet I feel shocked to find out that many dog and cat food companies actually put dead cats and dogs in the cat and dog food. It is obscene! it is hideous! Right after I heard that, I opened a can of 9 Lives, and it had a cat tooth in it. I felt nauseated for two days.