My New Best Friend Forever

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2014-10-15 08.35.16This is Zeke. Sir Zeke, Ezekial The Prophet, Z, Mr. Z.

He’s the absolutely last dog I would have thought I’d have in my life.

As you likely know, I volunteer at an amazing dog shelter – Bichons and Buddies – in Culver City.

I’ve seen so many dogs in the last year I’ve been there, helping myself heal from the loss of two beloved family dogs, and walking and cuddling the dogs to help them feel better.

I’ve taken some home to foster when they were sick or needed more attention.

I’ve fallen for so many – nearly one or two every week.

I’ve decided to adopt one or another and changed my mind out of “fear.”

And then I saw “Rocky.”

Only – I DIDN’T see him! Not Really.

Bichons and Buddies shelters and places (every dog gets a home, usually within weeks or a month!) small, fluffy white dogs. Poodle and maltese mixes, little fluffys (“Fluffy” is one of the names we circulate among the new dogs as then come in and go out), all hypoallergenic.

And there, in the largest group cage, stood “Rocky” – a foot taller and 15-20 lbs heavier than all the rest, scruffy, looking like a junkyard dog with decidely “unfluffy,” wiry, stringy hair.

His name, “Rocky” was the name of my only childhood dog. The one who’d bit me on my nose, loved my mother and didn’t like me, and scared me off of dogs for a long time.

He was wearing the halter that once belonged to my dog Hazel, the one I donated along with all her toys and food when she passed a year ago, and who was 1/3 the size of Rocky.

I ignored him.

What I do mostly at the shelter is walk. I take out one dog after another, sometimes two together, and walk for 1/2 a mile with them. And one day, I saw Rocky out with another volunteer.

She was considering taking him home, because she thought her boyfriend might like him more than he would a “little fluffy.” She thought he might be more of a “man’s dog.”

I noticed how calm, peaceful, alert to her, affectionate…really cool, Rocky was.

And thought nothing of it. Hey, all the dogs are wonderful.

And then, I just started walking him.

Didn’t know why.

I started showing up every day to walk the dogs – and Rocky.

I noticed him looking at me when I walked in. He just…looked at me.

And we’d walk.

He’s WAY bigger than I thought I could handle.  He walked beside me like a dream, then he’d pull.

I tried an extension leash, and we got caught in a bush for about a 1/2 hour until someone came along to hold him while I untangled the leash.

Like I often had about other great dogs I’d fallen for, I offhandedly mentioned to Jeanine – the brilliant founder and all-around incredible person who runs Bichons and Buddies – that I was thinking of taking him home.

And then, I told my husband how I was feeling, and asked him to come meet Rocky.

He did. We all walked together,zeke1 my husband said, “Yeah, nice dog,” and that was it.

Except I kept on walking him.

And then, Jeanine told me Rocky was being moved to a different shelter. One that features “Terriers” instead of bichons and, poodles….

There, he would be blissfully outside in the group pen all day, and in the evening, he’d be in a cage by himself (a “run”) at the pet hospital where this (also fabulous) rescue group houses their shelterees.

((I’m used to the housing the dogs have at Bichons and Buddies – in B&B’s own facility, within a gorgeous pet boarding building, where everyone is in huge, room-sized cages with other dogs, having a fair amount of fun and good companionship all day long (music, meds, great food…wonderful staff & volunteers….))

Jeanine said…“Unless you want him.”

I took Rocky home the next day.

We were and are undergoing a house remodel. Kitchen and floors, paint and lights. We are a construction zone, filled with high emotion, constant decisions, and general displacement challenges.

We live in the bedroom and our “offices,” – and the living room and kitchen are blocked off to us with plastic. We eat out of a microwave. A lot of “stuff” already to deal with.

And now – I bring home a BIG (okay, he’s not all that big at 26lbs, just way bigger than I’d imagined) DOG to add to the mix, to further upset our cat.

We are blissful.

It wasn’t like that the first week.  From the day I brought Rocky home, I created “panic” within myself.

Anxiety, acid refux, like never before experienced. I literally couldn’t breathe, and thought there might be something wrong with my heart.

The commitment felt overwhelming.

So – I just did what I know to do:

I kept breathing, watching my feelings, my thoughts, my body – and WALKING.

And – it all settled down.

Love trumped the fear, the stress.

Love for Rocky, myself, my husband, the cat, my situation, the possibilities – just overflowed all over the overwhelm.

I could sleep. I could eat.

I feel so grateful for Rocky (now “Zeke” and other nicknames) for opening up my life with this new call to love.

This is not about “adapting.”

This is about trust.

Trusting myself to want and desire what best serves me and everyone else.

Trusting myself to make decisions that best serve me and everyone else.

Allowing my nature, as an expression of love, to be free to love.

Everything else falls into place.

I know this sounds way too “easy,” when most of life seems like struggle to so many people, all over the world.

And yet – NOT loving doesn’t solve anything.

In fact, hating, fearing and trying to block and stifle “The Struggle” just creates more fear and attack.

Any resistance to any feelings or happenings allows less love to come through.

There is no alternative, in my world, to loving what is. Regardless of what you want to love or don’t want to love.

Love what is actually showing up. Whatever it is.

And – for another time – Loving and DOING something with or “about” love are completely different things.

My story of Rocky (now Zeke) is meant to be a parallel to choosing a man.

Perhaps a man chooses US – and then it’s up to us to see it, recognize it, and let our inner selves open to love.

In a way – it’s not from outside at all. It’s not from anyone or anything else.

The love is always there, always radiating through us, always around.

It’s way easier to block love because of what we “think” and think we “know” about ourselves and the way life works – than it is to Let Love.

Zeke is my teacher. He teaches calm. He teaches peace. He teaches: One moment at a time. I am here now. He teaches I appreciate. He teaches – Wow, that feels good…. He teaches love.

And way more.

Love is sitting at my feet, reminding me at every moment that I, too, am made of love, and that it’s my option to let love flow, or to block it’s passage through my heart and body.

I can either join with the energy of love, and let it play out – or I can try to manage it, block it where I believe I should, and “try” to mold the results I think I want.

I can be free to be, or I can make myself up.

Wow.

Love, Rori

 

 

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56 Comments

  1.  #1Sassy on October 24, 2014 at 7:33 am

    Congratulations on Rocky/Zeke, Rori! Dogs are THE best form of unconditional love. They don’t judge us, they just love us and want to be with us always. They trust us to take care of them while they protect us.

    I kept asking myself this week why, after 5 years and hardly seeing him at all for a while now, why I still have such incredibly strong feelings of love. Kept fighting it and denying it and not wanting to feel it. But now I’m just letting it flow through me, whether he wants me or not in his life, I’m letting myself love him.



  2.  #2lovetodance on October 24, 2014 at 8:46 am

    such a beautifull beautifull post rori….thank you!



  3.  #3Valarie O'Ryan on October 24, 2014 at 9:17 am

    Oh Rori, I totally get this.

    I volunteered at a shelter for some time & “almost” took so many amazing dogs home. It tugged at my heart daily & I would even dream about some of them at night after a day at the shelter.

    We recently lost our Aussie, Levi. I’m waiting for the right dog to reveal himself to us when the time is right. I feel good about adopting again soon.

    I think my cat feels very differently though. 🙂

    Xoxo, ~Valarie



  4.  #4April Rose on October 24, 2014 at 2:29 pm

    Oh Rori,

    This feels so profound.

    I’m in and out of such deep pain at the moment.

    It makes me wonder if pain is a result of blocking love.

    Letting love flow over WHAT IS. Loving what is. Loving the story in my head that tells me I am unloved. With love, gently questioning the truth of that story.

    What you say here about trust
    “Trusting myself to want and desire what is best for me and everybody else. Trusting myself to make decisions that are for the highest good of myself and others.”
    I want this so much. To know I am acting and wanting in that highest part of my loving self.



  5.  #5IamHis on October 24, 2014 at 7:31 pm

    Beautiful, Rori. Loaded with metaphors and parallel meanings. I needed this. Thank you.



  6.  #6Violette on October 24, 2014 at 7:57 pm

    I agree with April Rose about trusting myself. Whoo, that is where it’s at.
    “Trusting myself to want and desire what is best for me and everybody else. Trusting myself to make decisions that are for the highest good of myself and others.”

    Someone contacted me from match.com from like 6 mos ago and I’m going to meet him for drink next week. I need this. I have felt myself stifled by feeling like AD has decided we’re a couple and I never agreed to it, and I feel myself going along with it. And this date helps me get back into owning where I’m coming from. Remembering that I’m free and have choices. I don’t have to take the first man who wants me. I can take my time. I am allowed. And I don’t have to tell him. And I can trust myself that I’m doing what’s right for me, therefore for everyone, because a better me is a better woman for any man.

    One thing that makes me nervous is how attractive this man, D, sounds on the phone. I don’t want to fall in love with 2 men. But that’s not what this is about today. It’s more about allowing myself to take care of me. Rather than be the “good girl.” I don’t know what the outcome will be. But I look forward to going deeper into myself.

    And I want to enjoy the wonderful things AD is doing without feeling it makes me owe him my loyalty. I’m not his girlfriend yet, I’ve requested we continue to date only for a bit longer. And I deserve to be treated very well. I can receive his gifts, he’s taking us away to a spa for his birthday next month, I can receive this, and the giant orchid plant he brought me, and the amazing restaurant he talks about taking me on Sunday, and let him give to me, and let that be the gift to him. I know he loves to give to me.

    Now if I can get past his love of presenting himself as uncultured and simple…I feel mean saying it but it’s such a turn off! And I hope this date will help me to have perspective. To take a step away from the world where I spend my life with AD, and to take an objective stance with my own values.

    Whew, here goes.



  7.  #7Sophie on October 25, 2014 at 4:51 am

    I agree April Rose and Violette – I want that for myself too – to trust myself that I am coming from a place of my highest self, a place which will operate naturally from love unless fear is in the way. I have so much fear in the way at the moment. The last nearly two years has been a completely stripping away of any structures that had helped me to feel safe and it has exposed all the things I am so very afraid of. And the only antidote to fear is moving as much as possible into the energy of love, starting primarily with love for myself, so that I know what ever I do and whatever happens I will still be there loving me.

    This period of time has been like a big mirror to all the ways in which I try to hide, or not step up into responsibility, or claim my power. All the ways in which I allow fear to sabotage my best efforts at creating a structure in life that feels happy and peaceful and meaningful to me, and one which allows me to support myself. All the ways in which I try to cling onto something, anything, which gives me a feeling of safety but which is often disempowering.

    Violette – I feel pleased that you are experimenting with having another date. I hope that it creates some space for you so that your feelings are clearer and less overwhelming



  8.  #8Femininewoman on October 25, 2014 at 4:54 am

    Sassy reading your comments about dogs I wondered “then why do people say men are like dogs?”



  9.  #9Indigo on October 25, 2014 at 7:55 am

    I feel so gorgeous and full of yummy good feelings.

    I had the most wonderful night with D last night. He is very introverted and he had said he didn’t know whether he was up to much contact as he’d had a long week and so I didn’t expect anything. We saw each other on Sunday and Wednesday and had a lovely time so I was quite happy to just read my book and do my own thing. When he says something like that, “I’ve had a long day/week, I’m tired/stressed/not good company” I always drop my expectations and just plan on enjoyable stuff to do by myself instead, which is fine by me, and often he surprises me, like he did last night.

    He greeted me with kisses, and he’s bought a gorgeous new car and he took me for a ride in it and we went to the shops to buy things for a barbecue dinner. While we were at the shops he casually looked down at me and told me that he’d bought me some delicious expensive chocolate earlier that day, and asked me exactly what I wanted for dinner and paid for everything. He was sweet and chatty and after dinner we were snuggling on the couch but he was just so soft and affectionate and warm, tickling me, holding my hand, holding me in his arms, and giving me lovely goodnight kisses before we went to sleep. He even mentioned that one of his friends might be coming over a lot later and this was significant because we’ve mostly stayed away from each other’s friends as it’s supposed to be casual. And get this, he referred to his house as “our” place when he said it. Not his house, OUR place. I almost fell off my chair but tried not to show it.

    I spent the night and this morning he got up early and made coffee and brought it to me. He hasn’t done this in ages.

    A couple of days ago, he skyped me and sent me a link to a Youtube video of a relationship expert. It was a wonderful video. He then went on to praise me about how much to my credit it was that I’ve never emasculated him as he sees so many women doing and it makes him cringe. This felt so good, not least because D seeking any kind of material from a relationship expert is somewhat akin to pigs flying, so it really surprised me in the best possible way.



  10.  #10Indigo on October 25, 2014 at 7:57 am

    * oh, the chocolate was a present for me!



  11.  #11lovetodance on October 25, 2014 at 8:04 am

    Indigo…
    feeling so warm and happy for you

    I feel you are a siren with gentle clear strength and learning so well to love and take care of yourself with the men in your life….

    have a wonderful time immersed in the gorgeous and yummy feelings that you have may possible to feel in your life!



  12.  #12Indigo on October 25, 2014 at 8:13 am

    Lovetodance,

    Thank you for those kind words 🙂 I find this has been key for me, loving and taking care of myself. This really, truly does have to come first.

    The love relationship with yourself is a wonderful journey all on its own, and has so many benefits for your other relationships.

    I sometimes have to remind myself to lean back at a time like this, to continue receiving from him and letting things unfold, and not letting my expectations get the better of me.



  13.  #13Indigo on October 25, 2014 at 8:40 am

    These all seem like little things I know, but to me they are huge. He often makes me tea and coffee and brings it to me, but he hasn’t got up early to make coffee to bring it to me in the morning in a long time.

    There was a sweetness and very clear “effort” in what he was doing. It made me very happy.



  14.  #14Sophie on October 25, 2014 at 8:45 am

    yay Indigo -I feel all smiley reading how lovely that all sounds



  15.  #15lovetodance on October 25, 2014 at 8:47 am

    yes indigo…
    staying in the moment…it is such a spiritual and emotional practice….

    knowing that one is worthy no matter what….
    knowing that whatever presents itself is grist for the mill….

    so much easier said than done….but such a worthwhile
    ideal….

    i find that before i even know it i may be thinking old habitual thoughts about myself and the men who were or aren’t or are or who could have been….

    tracing my default emotional states back to childhood…

    and now i just do all i can to embrace all i can internally….

    and yes, i so agree how this all laps out into all our relationships….how loving and allowing ourselves helps me to love and allow others there stuff too….

    rambling here….



  16.  #16Yvette on October 25, 2014 at 10:47 am

    Good Evening Ladies 🙂
    I felt so good reading this article and your comments.
    I feel warm.
    Congratulations Rori, your new family member sounds lovely, and what a sweet little face!

    Sitting here tonight, there’s something I would like to share, and I would very much like to hear what you girls think..

    I have noticed lately that the kind of man I feel attracted to, is very different depending upon whether I am experiencing him in my Masculine energy or in my Feminine energy.

    The kind of man I feel attracted to when I am in my Masculine is highly energetic, gruff, direct. Think big and grunt, bit of a bull in a china shop.
    I feel exhilerated watching him perform tasks. And I feel curious that when he turns his attention to me, often I blank out, go numb. Also I feel electric (sickly, jangly) urgency, energy being pulled from my belly outwards. Compelled perhaps?

    When I am in my Feminine energy, with different men, I feel so relaxed and pleased. Pleasure – it feels wonderful.
    I’m not too sure on the particular preferred characteristics yet, but Mr Big and gruff feels too tiring when I’m in my Feminine, Mr Purposeful however-mmmm..
    I listened to a country song in this state last night, I burst into tears. I feel warm and affectionate and soft.

    Have you noticed attribute/characteristic preferential differences in the men you feel attracted to when in your masculine vs in your feminine? I’d love to hear about it.
    What do you think gals? 😉

    Kind Wishes,
    Yvette



  17.  #17Sassy on October 25, 2014 at 3:28 pm

    FW #8

    I had to laugh at that comment. While men do compare to dogs in the protection context, I have heard that many men will pretty much “do” any female that is a willing participant and accordingly, so will dogs….



  18.  #18Sallythatgirl on October 25, 2014 at 4:02 pm

    Hello ladies, I rarely post but read and have several RR programs. I would really like some assistance! I dated an amazing man who did everything right… I actually can’t think of one flaw.. But he moved out of country today. He let me know it was a possibility from date 1 to take his dream job. We were together for 4 months. He also expressed from the beginning long distance is not in the cards as he has done that in the past. He also expressed he made a mistake leaving a dream job for a woman and he regretted it soon after. We are both in our 30s. He made me absolutely no promises but I feel secure he will keep contact and if the cards are right we will be together. I would be willing to move at some point and there’s the possibility he could return. I know I am going to date, and if it’s not him it will be someone better. I just feel so lost right now in how to stay open to the possibility of us as well as the reality that I should start to move on. Any help would feel wonderful. Any specific coach someone could recommend would be lovely as well. Thank you!



  19.  #19Emerson on October 25, 2014 at 9:44 pm

    Ah Rori, thank you for sharing such a warm story! It feels so heartwarming to read, and what a super cute little doggy! Thank you for sharing him with us!! I love love love it!!!!



  20.  #20Indigo on October 26, 2014 at 3:16 am

    Sophie – 🙂



  21.  #21Violette on October 26, 2014 at 5:44 am

    Sophie thank you for the supportive words.

    Sallythatgirl you won’t like what I will say, and maybe most of us. Ugh, I really relate, I dated a guy briefly (shorter time than you) and kept wanting him to ask me to go with him when he left and vice versa. Men know they can ask us, and that women find it very romantic. This guy knew he was leaving you from day 1, even if he loves you it’s totally on him to plan a future with you. The best I can suggest is that you do your best to forget him. You will hate hearing that and only you really know what to do for you, but there are men out there who won’t ever leave you. I know this for you.

    Keep us posted, best wishes to you.



  22.  #22Violette on October 26, 2014 at 5:48 am

    Last night AD has a bit of time off from his son and came over to take me out to an amazing dinner. We held each other and made out in the restaurant, he planned out our entire lives, like trips he wants to take me on in Jan…which is where I started to choke up. But then he stopped.

    I want to be better at asking for what I need. Men are so bad at it in my experience, but they may be mirroring me. I want to ask him not to plan things so far in advance.

    Also he commented yet again on how cultured I am and how much I teach him. Instead of acting all flattered, which is what I’ve been doing, and is not at all what I’ve been feeling…I said that I felt so surprised he’d never heard of this stuff, and I have so much to learn and we can learn together.

    That felt better. He is seriously unaware of the arts, for a man his age and job stature…I don’t want to act like that’s fine with me. I don’t want to feel as crazy about it as I do, but a gentle, hey man get it together feels so much better to me right now than going along with it.



  23.  #23Femininewoman on October 26, 2014 at 5:49 am

    Sallythatgirl I know of men who have moved continents to be with the woman they think of as the one. If he thinks of you that way you will hear from him and he will move mountains to bring you to where he is. In the meantime you have to continue living your life. It seems to me he was very clear and honest with you from day one. His career is his number one priority right now. He shared that with you it seems from what you said so I believe he thinks you are a big girl and are doing what you want to do. He did not try to fool you.



  24.  #24Ms. SeaSalt on October 26, 2014 at 5:58 am

    Congratulations on your new addition to your family, Rori! He is so cute 🙂 We just recently adopted a Pomeranian ourselves – actually he just fell into our laps one day. My husband was very against it since we already have a dog and two cats. But I always felt in my heart that we were meant to have a second dog and instead of fighting my husband’s resistance, I just accepted the fear and chaos (I felt it too) and allowed for whatever is to happen.

    Our little Pom pom is now one the greatest joys in our life! It is so true when they say you do not choose the dog, but rather the one you really need picks you. Our little pomeranian triggered another deeper layer of healing in my husband and I, our relationship is stronger and more intimate because of it.

    Congrats again on your new little! (or “big” one — we have a 26 lb corgi so to us we consider that still little (: )



  25.  #25Victoria on October 26, 2014 at 6:12 am

    Sallythatgirl,
    I think it can go either way with this man, and either way You will be just fine.
    I know of two cases (one man and one woman) where they followed their loved one to the country where this person went Uninvited! Both of them married the person eventually. With the girl it was quite amazing because her botfriend was leaving her to go to grad school and she basically went and pursued a degree at the same school herself … I lost track of them eventually but i know they got married and have 4 kids!
    The other case – the girl left for work in another country, her boyfriend also found a job there but in another city, but he made sure they spent the weekend together.
    So I know for sure that when the love is strong it can beat distance.
    But even if you just stay where you are, he may choose to come back or he may choose not to come back you – if he does not, a better man will show up!



  26.  #26Indigo on October 26, 2014 at 6:41 am

    Sallythatgirl,

    I can only echo what the others have said – if the relationship is right, if you are meant to be together, he will find a way to be with you eventually. You can’t control that and neither can you be looking for it, so just move on as though he’s gone forever.

    With my ex-husband before we got married he moved to a different country because he had to work for the company who had paid for his study fees, so we broke up, but it was only a few months and then he was phoning me again and arranging for me to come over for a holiday, and eventually invited me to come and live there. Bottom line – if, and only if, the guy wants to make it happen, he will.



  27.  #27prplpsn28 on October 26, 2014 at 9:42 am

    🙂



  28.  #28prplpsn28 on October 26, 2014 at 9:43 am

    Just signing in to new post. It’s been a tough wknd.



  29.  #29Azure Blu on October 26, 2014 at 12:08 pm

    Spohie… I hope you don’t mind…
    I just ran across a post of yours from June…
    think of how far you have come lovely Siren…

    “I had a dream about being in NY two nights ago! Ive never been there but it was very telling about my life – I kept wandering down these dark city streets and thinking mmmm this isn’t safe, probably shouldn’t be doing this and turning back, then there was a river with burst banks and though there were pretty cottages at the end of the path it was getting more dangerous so I had to turn back, then I thought I should really get a guide book cos it probably wasn’t a good idea wandering around in dark streets in areas I didn’t know.And during all of this, in the distance I saw the Statue of Liberty and it was bright and glowing and I thought ‘that’s where I want to go tomorrow’. That dream is my life right now.”



  30.  #30Lucy on October 26, 2014 at 12:13 pm

    Rori,

    This is such a beautiful profound post!

    I had the same experience when adopting our two cats (for my two kids).

    I had an orange one picked out, and also wanted to adopt an overweight one (I like the hard to place animals).

    Except…..when I came to pick them up, the coordinator advised against it.

    “The orange is petted by so many visitors that it’s cranky, and might scratch your kids. And it won’t get along with the other one.”

    I felt terribly upset. I was so attached to both cats by this point. But I could also imagine the upset that these cats might cause with each other — and my children.

    The coordinator smiled. “I actually know of another orange cat that has bonded with a tuxedo cat. Would you like to meet them.”

    We went into the half-grown cats room, and I saw a much smaller (but still beautifully orange) young cat wrestling with a black and white one. The two were obviously bonded (a new concept for me — I didn’t know till then that cats did bond outside of their immediate families).

    Both cats had teeth removed. I wasn’t sure about this. And the orange cat had been abandoned and had a nasty scar on his tail.

    It took me a while to think about this. Long story short, we took both of them home. And they have adapted so well to me and the girls, and they are still best buddies.

    The Universe often has a better plan if you will but surrender to it. I can’t imagine life with out these cats, and they enhance the love of our family in so many ways!

    Lucy



  31.  #31Azure Blu on October 26, 2014 at 12:17 pm

    lovetodance… Lovely Siren,
    Wondering how your online profile and dating is going… I remember you saying a few threads back that you were taking the “plunge” :->

    Me too… back on POF… it it sooo overwhelming wit sooo many men sweetly contacting me…
    but I got out a notebook and started keeping track of who I have contacted… when I’m supposed to call (I like to call them the first time after they ask me for my number) where they live what are their likes and dislikes… stuff to ask about…
    BUT am missing Spirit! just sitting with ME… giving me warmth and compassion for the missing feelings… the sadness of it not working out…
    :=/



  32.  #32Azure Blu on October 26, 2014 at 12:20 pm

    Ahhhh, Lucy… this is such a warm reminder
    “The Universe often has a better plan if you will but surrender to it. ”
    Thank you…



  33.  #33Azure Blu on October 26, 2014 at 12:21 pm

    ((((purple))))



  34.  #34Azure Blu on October 26, 2014 at 12:26 pm

    Yevette,
    When I first read your post I wasn’t sure I knew what you meant… but I have been thinking about it more…
    I have noticed this about me and have been trying to understand my masculine energy more with the help of my RR coach Natalina…
    I will speak up more when I am in my masculine mode… sound more assertive and forceful…
    not listen and want to control what the other person is feeling and thinking…
    and as you shared, in my feminine feeling, I am more calm, more in tune with MY feelings and letting the other person have their feelings…
    It is good to be able to share this hear and to become more aware of when this happens…



  35.  #35Azure Blu on October 26, 2014 at 12:30 pm

    Violette #22,
    I feel intrigued and happy that you found your true feelings about AD NOT being very cultured and found a way to express it in a good way…
    I know you had mentioned it before and didn’t feel flattered by his compliments but disappointed that he wasn’t more educated about these things…
    Thank you for sharing!!



  36.  #36Azure Blu on October 26, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    Indigo #9…
    I feel happy and sunshiny that you are feeling gorgeous and yummy!!!
    What a wonderful time you and D had…

    Wow!!! I am sooo intrigued and impressed by D sending you to a relationship guide youtube video…
    To me that is soooo cool… I’ve never had that happen!!!



  37.  #37Azure Blu on October 26, 2014 at 12:39 pm

    April Rose #3
    I am sending you HUGGS and warm love…
    I feel sad to hear you are in and out of deep pain right now… Take care of you… I know you are ….



  38.  #38Azure Blu on October 26, 2014 at 12:40 pm

    Indigo #9…
    Lovely, warm Siren… I just sent a post to you but it went into moderation… not sure why…
    part of what it said was I am sooo happy for you and your wonderful time with D!!!! :-))



  39.  #39April Rose on October 26, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    Thank you Azure Blu,

    I am moving in and out of it (the pain). I am beginning to separate out the parts of me that are addicted to pain, and the other, higher parts that want healthy joyous love and connection.
    And, as you yourself teach so well – I am heaping love on all of those parts.
    Hugs to you, dear siren.



  40.  #40April Rose on October 26, 2014 at 2:23 pm

    Knowing that whatever happens I can pour love on myself, feels sooooo soothing.



  41.  #41Sallythatgirl on October 26, 2014 at 2:58 pm

    Thank you lovely sirens for taking the time to write me! I really needed to hear it! And it is SO hard to lean back and live my life but its the only choice I have. Living a juicy life will make me happy and any man will find that attractive. I did of course text him 3 times with no reply…its a slow process this learning:) He did say he would call when he was settled, it could be a month. I am letting go in my heart today and focusing on my wonderful self. The advice you all gave me is spot on, its up to him to pursue me. I appreciate the reminder!
    Azure while your pain over Spirit is so real, perhaps focusing on the fact that he was SO much closer to the man who will be yours forever. It sounds like a near miss, and you are really close to the target! How wonderful you were able to let him go when you realized he was not 100 percent what you wanted.
    Violette, I know how you feel about AD, its like you want a guy to value your intellect and smarts but being in AWE of it is too much…its hard to really feel like a feminine being when you are the smarter one…kudos to you in Cding…



  42.  #42Helena Hart on October 26, 2014 at 4:05 pm

    Sallythatgirl – I feel for you, I’ve had some clients in that situation so I know how hard it can be, especially when a man has to move right when everything was going so well.

    I just wanted to say that I think your attitude around this is AMAZING – I love how you said, “I know I am going to date, and if not him it will be someone better.” You’re totally on the right track!! I’d love to hear how this goes for you.

    Love, Helena



  43.  #43Azure Blu on October 26, 2014 at 4:26 pm

    Sallythatgirl… yes lovely Siren… living that juicy life that is YOUR juicy life…
    I know it doesn’t all feel good right now… heaping lots of warm, loving care on YOU!!!

    Thank you for your kind, warm words about Spirit being almost my Mr. Right…
    I know the Universe has my Mr. Right for me..
    I have been visualizing him everyday… :-))



  44.  #44Indigo on October 26, 2014 at 10:32 pm

    Azure Blu,

    The relationship expert D sent me the video link to was really wonderful, her name is Kara Oh. I looked up a few of her other videos and she gives me the most wonderful, helpful, soft feminine ways to relate to men, if other sirens are interested.

    I too was impressed with this… no, more than that. I was absolutely blown away. I’ve known D intimately for more than 4 years now and this was truly one of those jaw-dropping moments. It was a great reminder for me to let others’ (and his) healing journey unfold as it will, and to hold the space.

    Last night I was with him and he again impressed me by offering his own awareness of one of his flaws. I just love this man. It all feels very safe and profound at the moment.



  45.  #45sweet goddess on October 27, 2014 at 2:38 am

    I had to cry when I read this post.

    Just when Rori reminds us of how pain is an experience of blocking love, of resisting feelings, of hating, of stifling, of shutting down to keep ourselves protected. I cried because I realize at how many instances I still do this. Dominique is so right when she says – relationships are not hard, work on ourselves is hard.

    Just yesterday I had a conversation with my husband where he said he is amazed at how many people are so afraid in life. He bikes daily to work in a busy city like New York and ALL the time people tell him AND me how dangerous it is! He asks them back – “but have you done it? have you tried it? why do you conclude it is dangerous? I have to be careful yes but I find it very liberating to get fresh air and exercise before and after a work day.”
    I feel so triggered around this stuff. I feel angry at him for not feeling afraid – and I mask it as worry/ concern for his safety. How can be so fearless in a city with so much bad traffic? I feel envious at some level of his inner freedom – it sounds harsh but its true. I feel envious of his inner fearlessness and freedom and I so hope I would have it. Its not easy for me to feel that level of fearlessness so I try to tell him he is being “extra casual,” extra carefree. And that is why this post makes me cry.

    Its because I realize there is so much healing left to do. Its because I realize that the work is in me feeling that level of fearlessness and not bringing my man down to the level of fear I feel.

    I´ve learnt to be afraid ever since I was a child. I picked up so much on my mother´s insecurities (and hers were real ones with a bad marriage and financial insecurities but as a child my mind couln´t differentiate – it just absorbed all the insecurities and fear and even today – where I have a perfect marriage and loving man – these insecurities and fears form the canopy of my subconscious mind!!)

    It feels good to cry. it feels good to forgive myself. it feels so releasing to be able to forgive my mother for giving me so much subconscious insecurity and fear…she was doing her best to bring us up in the environment she had. It feels so hard to undo it, now that my life , my reality is a real fairytale.

    Peace and love to all. It feels good to be able to write this here and feel heart.



  46.  #46Veronica on October 27, 2014 at 3:31 am

    Indigo

    I can’t tell you how precious it is for me what is happening with you and D. I feel so good for both of you and quietly with much relief breathing ‘thank you for sharing this’. It deepens my empathy for anyone struggling to get to this kind of intimacy. This is so beautiful how you and him are healing – his opening up to you just has me feeling wa! I feel so honoured to know this can happen.

    And I don’t think I’m being overly emotional. Over the past couple of weeks I’ve become aware of how really good men that I’ve come across live with such internal difficulty in opening up, in sharing their thoughts, ideas, sensitivity, emotions, care with a diminishing hope of being really heard. And while I write this I still feel despondent that I can’t articulate what I understand in my mind/heart/body and understand as a reality that becomes more obvious to me. I’ve been practicing listening with Funny, I find this increasing commitment in myself to practice listening, really listening to him. And I see how he opens up, I see how his more tender feelings, struggles are slowly being shared. It provokes empathy in me (and love).

    I saw a man do a double take when I responded to something he asked me. He was surprised that I heard him and answered with openness. And I feel curious now about this – how powerful listening is and how damaging it is when listening doesn’t happen. I realised that no-one I was listening to wanted me to agree with them or wanted me to fix their stuff. My desire to understand has increased. It not just passive listening, it’s letting someone the space to be, to simply be. And something unexpected has happened – I’ve been able to step over my own shame in sharing and expressing my love, my ideas, my tender and sore riddled emotions to myself, to those around me. For example, last night I surprised Funny with a suggestion for a visit and dinner – he was elated. I felt scared that my wanting to be with him would not be seen as just that – that instead it would be considered needy, foolish, and so adding another experience of shame to my own expression of love. I resolved within myself that I would no longer be ashamed of my sharing of love whatever happened. Funny had a smile so bright it was as though it could glow in the dark.

    And I wonder how much courage lies behind each act of sharing, of expressing love. (and for me it’s not the kind of courage that needs to be humoured out of obligation – rather an awareness that maybe we are all trying to step out of our own stuckness)

    Indigo – woohoo! to you and D! I feel so good just knowing this is happening. xxxx



  47.  #47Mistea1 on October 27, 2014 at 11:20 am

    ((((( sweet goddess ))))) I loved your post. You are surely working well on the mother issue. Mine is a father issue. Td has his own issues to work on and I can’t blame him for my pain. One thing I tend to do is collapse into his feeling. I’ve done this before with other people and now I’m aware of it. I can smile because of my own joy even when he is looking dour. I’m not sure if this is workable but he smiled a 110 megawatt whole hearted smile complete with sparks the other day and this is what I intend to see/remember now no matter what. I understand now that if I go down into his feeling and not hold the space with my confidence that he will not feel safe. Any comments to the contrary will be whole heartedly considered. thanks a bunch.



  48.  #48Indigo on October 27, 2014 at 11:44 am

    Veronica,

    I found your post so incredibly beautiful – you are a truly special sensitive soul. It feels so wonderful to share my journey with people like you, people who get it, who can sense the beauty of what I’m talking about as it seems so intangible at times.

    I found myself thinking as I went to sleep last night, how safe I felt. I felt an absolute peace and tranquility in this relationship which must have seemed and seem sometimes so imperfect at times, yet I am awed by the healing which has taken place. It’s not a single moment in time when you can say that things changed, but rather you look back after a while and you can see how far you’ve come. I don’t think anything seems scary to him or me now, I think we can say anything to each other, which is why it feels so safe. We can handle it.

    I relate SO much to your story about suggesting a visit with Funny, and adding a layer of shame to the experience by worry whether it was clingy, needy etc. or how it would be received. I am also so prone to doing this… shaming myself for just being myself, and expressing who I am, even when it is love. I have to guard against that, and just let it be what it is in all its beauty. I loved how you put that, and how you talked about the courage it takes to express love unguardedly. I agree SO much.

    It is also a pleasure to watch your journey unfold with Funny.

    I agree that many good men have guarded and boarded up their hearts – I know D has done that, although I try not to think about it too much as it is his business and his journey. But it has been a lovely experience for me, creating the space where he can safely open and heal his heart, and being recognized for that.

    Loves to you xxx



  49.  #49Indigo on October 27, 2014 at 11:47 am

    Hi Mistea1,

    Are you and Td dating?



  50.  #50Mistea1 on October 27, 2014 at 1:13 pm

    (((( Indigo ))))) Oh dear, I never thought I’d get this question. No not yet, not in the conventional sense. He turns into a 14 year old boy around me and can really only talk to me when there is a lot of other people around. Yet he is attuned to my presence in the building and the last program he presented had a special section of flute and soprano Irish love songs with one which happens to be my favorite. We’ve had one semi-private conversation last week in the last 6 months.
    Sometimes when people have such a great talent as he has they give up certain reasoning and emotional maturity. I listened to an interview with another classical musician on the radio and he said that at any one time on earth there remains only about a handful of musicians who play the way he does. These musicians have the ability to penetrate the heart, mind, and soul causing the heart to open and experience deep feelings that are often impossible to reach. This can result in an orgasmic like feeling in the entire body. I can attest to that. I’m incredibly grateful for how my heart has opened and my oneness with all has increased.
    Saying that, I’ve had family, children, the struggles of a relationship and lived on my own for 25 years. Now, after the best there is a completion of sorts and no interest on my part for another. Yes, physical closeness and sex would be nice but I’ve been there done that. Yes, I am working with a coach to give this my best shot. I’m curious and having fun about what will happen next. After all, in my best 14 year old state I say, “Well, he started it!” And yes, the deep feelings accessed included my deepest and darkess fear. I am gratefully and painfully working on it. In addition, I intuit that he has much the same fears that he has the choice to work on too. Only time will tell. thanks for letting me tell my story.



  51.  #51Surferchica on October 27, 2014 at 3:09 pm

    My sweet Rocky (literally his name!) was laid to rest 18 months ago. He was loyal, and so kind.

    I love this post and that you articulated opening to love that shows up. I still get caught in the idealism of love (what it should be—my fantasy, rather than what is—which is rich and wonderful when I let it be).

    You described your new dog, but it was a description of my quiet kind man. He’s not a big expresser (words) but he demonstrates his unwavering care every day. I want to bask in that today. Thank you.



  52.  #52Sophie on October 27, 2014 at 3:22 pm

    (((Azure Blu))) I don’t mind at all! Thank you 🙂 I’m certainly not in that dark, dangerous place right now – phew.

    Part of me feels quite regressed though it’s strange. I’ve been here before…this ‘in-between men’ stage…I don’t know if I’ve learnt anything at all or, what I’ve learnt. I’ve also booked a flight to Thailand for the winter leaving in just over a week! I’ve been here before too – living (temporarily) back with my parents waiting to take a grand leap of faith – half hoping I had something I could cling onto here…I’m not very good at letting go and looking to the future! I’m always kind of one foot in, one foot out until the last moment!

    Still, I feel determined to take it one day at a time and make the most of what could be a wonderful situation I have created for myself…deep breath…positive attitude required all the way…lots and lots of self love, lots and lots of opportunity for practising all that I’ve learnt, all the tools



  53.  #53Daria on October 27, 2014 at 3:54 pm

    ‘Allowing my nature, as an expression of love, to be free to love.’

    straight up …i’ve been Loving everything coming up in me an all the ‘mean things i do’ and its Working

    and im healing too im getting real strong



  54.  #54Daria on October 27, 2014 at 3:55 pm

    it just makes me feel better and now stronger im able to see everything will be ok.

    and i kept with it when i wasnt feeling good and now here i am

    love the sun outside love the window thats doing what i dont want hehehe love



  55.  #55Mandy on October 28, 2014 at 4:50 pm

    Wow,

    I really felt those feelings when I read through this blog. The anxiety, the love, the stubbornness of the love. Yes…that’s me. SO me, too. My mom often says “I wish you didn’t have to deal with this or that” and “J’s a nice guy, but he has issues.” No man has ever been, and probably will ever be, good enough for me in her eyes, and I have to come to accept that and trust in me and my own judgement and love. I couldn’t imagine what kind of a guy she’d have me dating, lol. Boy did it feel familiar when Rori mentioned “I kept walking him.” So familiar. I feel like I’ve done that recently again with J, just “kept walking him”, and again, the amazing love showed up, brilliantly. As it has in the past. Sometimes it does feel in vain, but then it shows up and you see the outcome of the “walking”. I will freely admit J and I are scared of marriage and kids and huge commitment – I am not certain why this is. Big commitments…whew…you know…I literally can’t think of having kids! SO scary and I have so much respect for women who are married and have kids and handle it well.

    Speaking of my alternative lifestyles… You see, the day before, I did a VERY Strong Surrender. I told J I would be okay going to the strip club with him, and I just threw myself into it. So we were there, and guess what…we had FUN. LOTS of fun. I was smiling and laughing and joking the whole time and we had a few cheers with our cocktails, and the women were classy and not weird. All I know is I was smiling and having fun and grinning, he saw me having fun and being told I’m gorgeous, then he saw one he really liked, who turned him on because she was wearing nerd glasses. I felt like I’d just had foreplay with him because I couldn’t stop squeezing him and just being in happy la la land when we went to bed, I didn’t sleep right away, was just so happy laying there snuggling with him and I told him it felt awesome.
    Well, something happened inside him, because yesterday he decided he wanted to have sex, much different sex than what we are used to having, and he totally initiated it.

    Rori did say he is a man who needs a lot of stimulation, lol. What I believe may have happened was that I met this high-stimulation with understanding, and found a Sireny meadow to play in with other Sirens at the same time, and then didn’t freak out, and he just thought it was hot, and maybe the dancer in the glasses was the straw that broke the camel’s back, as it were, lol.

    I said to him after we were intimate, I felt terribly curious to know what was the inspiration, and he said, “Well, since the strip club, I have felt pretty turned on, and I was noticing women yesterday at the store, and I thought, I really need to have sex with my girlfriend.”

    That’s the essence of it and I felt a strong need to share it here. My other circular date, CollegeCD (male) and I have been texting (only when he starts the texting though) and he told me just what Dominique has said for so long, yes, there is a direct line from the brain to the penis, it is with things like porn and strippers, and yes, when you’re in love it is much more complicated than that…more like brain….heart heart heart…maybe confusion…maybe trust issues…maybe he feels tired…then if all that is bypassed…penis, lol, especially if there’s something driving that, J saw a dancer who was wearing nerd glasses, and it just does something for him, and I got to reap the benefits of it, lol. CollegeCD says he knows this is inherent in men as is it in himself. J really, REALLY, likes nerd glasses, lol. I almost think it’s hilarious, because once I did a strong surrender to it, and then remember that it is just a direct line to his penis where I need that brain-heart penis connection, not just brain-to-penis, I remember what I am, and I cherish it, the HEART connection, that is me to him, the exact thing Rori taught me to want and to get, and he sees me still there, open and having fun, and the nerd glasses just seem like a tiny, little humorous thing to me after all is said and done, lol.

    Lol – I then brought up how vulnerable and dorky and unpretty I feel having to get glasses again, because I actually NEED them, then he said with a huge cute grin, “Well, it’s probably a good thing you have a boyfriend who thinks they’re really hot!”

    Also, he found it in himself to let me have a female circular date, and even let us have the room if we want, by ourselves. He said he thinks it would be good for me, but just not while he’s at work, that would make him feel left out. He just wants to be friends with her too, which I don’t see as a bad thing, he just doesn’t want to feel left out.

    Then yesterday, I finally had a very lovely woman (I’ll call her CherieCD) mentor me, in person. She explained to me what it is to be a poly-amorous person (someone on here mentioned that I may be) and although my mind was closed completely before the conversation, it was opened further when she spoke to me over coffee (you know I am a sucker for a circular coffee date, ever since Rori said go on one, I was like oh yes, I think I will, lol, and it was with a female, and it felt good even though I was very nervous, maybe I needed more water in my Americano, lol.) So when I met with CherieCD, yesterday, she explained a lot to me that made me realize I need a connection of the emotional type, to be able to be open like that, and I know there is some fear there.

    She gave me some books to work on, one called “The Jealousy Workbook”. I hate the word “jealousy” – I feel like hey, I’m not jealous, why would I be jealous, I’m FABULOUS, lol…but then it’s like d’oh, yes I feel jealous and now I feel small and insecure, lol. I often have a tough time admitting things to myself, and J sees this and it bugs him, so when I read the title I was like, uh oh, there’s that word…but I cracked it open. Anyone ever heard of it? She said a lot of these things just have to do with insecurity, and like Rori and other Sirens have said, you don’t have to choose to stay there in that weird-feeling place.

    So I wrote to her today and I relayed my feelings and such. CherieCD, and J, both definitely see me as being poly-amorous, meaning i can care for more than one person, and it may be just the first time I’m admitting it to myself (shhhh, lol) and it reminds me of when I was 21 and just lost my virginity and my boyfriend at the time who aided in it, had to tell me I was bisexual, lol. He kind of had to grab me and say it really slowly, so he knew I knew what he meant, lol.
    I just feel a need to kind of hide it from even J, because I feel I don’t want him or anyone else taking a mile when I give an inch, which is a TRUST ISSUE alert, lol.

    So I need to do lots more emotional meditation, maybe even join a tantra class, working with chakras/reiki, etc. I really need to get very much in tune with me, but circular dating and being open about it with J is certainly abound here, healthy and keeping the energy flowing.

    Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.



  56.  #56SportySmile on October 29, 2014 at 9:32 pm

    I love your new friend and you too

    XOXO