questionmarkHi, I’ve closed an older post for relationship questions because it’s hard for you to read with so many on the screen.  So here’s a new one!

Please know…if I don’t answer you right away…it likely slipped by me (if so, try again, please…), or I’m trying to put it together into an eletter or a post and forgot to let you know…

If you’re new to our community, your comment will go to “moderation” and won’t show up until I see it (which could take up to a day…sometimes two if I’m swamped) – and I so want to welcome you as I approve your comment.

I’m so grateful for the amazing insight, emotion, poetry and magic you are all sharing here, and wish I could reply to each and every comment and question — I  read everything you say, and will try to keep up with replying to this post as best I can…and if it’s important for you to get a personal reply from me…please keep letting me know.

Love, Rori

3 Comments

  1.  #1Carolina on August 24, 2009 at 12:03 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I need reassurance that I’m doing the right thing here.

    I dated my next door neighboor for a couple of months.

    Initially he would be the one doing the pursue, calling me every other day. Since I was not calling him or in any way pursuing him, it was easy to spot when he started to act more distant or call me less often. I applied your advise and was even less available when he would finally call.

    In the meantime, I received a job offer to move overseas to London for 4 months and I accepted it. I saw my neighboor a week after I had accepted the offer and told him I was moving temporarily. He was shocked and said “I don’t know if start crying or congratulate you”.

    The following days after this he was closer, more present, then he did the same act as before and stopped calling or chatting with me.

    Last Friday he called me. I was happy to see his number and I I was friendly and smiled all the time while we spoke. He asked me how I was doing, when I was leaving, how were the preparations for my trip, etc, and whether I was angry at him for not having called. I said I was not angry, that I supposed he had had his reasons for not calling me and he said “Of course I had my reasons and I want to explain them”. I said “OK but let’s not talk about that now”. He said “Well it seems that you don’t care either”. I said “Of course I care but I don’t think we need to talk about it now”.

    The truth is that I felt that hearing him ellaborate why he hadn’t called, wasn’t going to make me feel better. I thought if he really wanted to reestablish contact with me he was going to ask me when he could see me, but he didn’t. I finished the phone call saying “I have to leave now, let’s talk some other time”.

    That was last Friday, I’m leaving this Saturday and I don’t plan to call him. He knows I’m leaving so if he wants to see me he will try to reach me, otherwise I have to let him go, put him in a box and store this story together with all the other sad love stories that I plan to leave behind when I move to London.

    It feels a bit ackward leaving this without “closure” but I feel that an “official” break up won’t make me feel better either. I don’t want to hear that he’s not that into me, or that he’s seeing his ex, or that he doesn’t think he can or want to be in a long distance relationship.

    I would like your opinion of whether I’ve taking this to an extreme or if I did the right thing.

    Cheers,
    Caro



  2.  #2Rori Raye on August 24, 2009 at 5:15 pm

    Caro – only tweak I would make is this…He said he wanted to talk, and you shut him down. I understand that, and if you really didn’t want to hear, the tweak would be, I don’t want to talk about it. This is about language here. Everything you say has a tinge of “direction” in it…”Let’s not…I don’t think we need to…let’s talk some other time…” And THIS is what I’d like to see you switch out for Feeling Messages. It just makes it harder to connect…it’s not warm, and just changing this much might make all the difference for you in your whole love life …he’ll be here when you get back, and you can practice on all those Englishmen! Love, Rori



  3.  #3gina on August 24, 2009 at 5:17 pm

    Hi rori,
    I’m feeling a little confused. I went on a great date with a wonderful man last night and today we were texting about how good everything felt. Then he asked when he might be able to see me again. I said that I am free on Wednesday after 7pm. I feel weird – like my response was too specific. I often feel triggered when it comes to stating my ‘availability’ – in the past, i played games to seem “hard to get.” I don’t want to do that, but I guess the fear of seeming too available and easy is still there. The truth is that I thought I was tied up Tuesday, but it turns out I’m free. Wednesday night, I have a light obligation that I was going to skip in order to see him (trying to avert my own tendency to run away). Thursday i work till 10, but I usually go to a salsa bar, which is where I met him last week. Friday and Saturday nights I work till super late. Sunday I’m free. I feel like I blocked the connection with my answer somehow – how could I have handled this better? Should I communicate something now? I feel like I’m overfunctioning by worrying – I’m disappointed that I haven’t heard from him since I gave him my very specific answer.



  4.  #4Simply Shannon on August 24, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    Gina: I have that same conflict alot but honestly my life is just busy. Sometimes I only have certain times open. That’s the truth. I’m not trying to be coy or hard to get. I feel curious about Rori’s take on this.



  5.  #5danae on August 24, 2009 at 7:21 pm

    hello Rori 🙂

    first of all thanks so much for all your wonderful articles and email newsletters – I’ve really enjoyed reading them and they’re helping me with what was a difficult situation.

    I got myself involved with a man after a difficult divorce which left me with four small children and no assets or savings. I’d done a lot of work on my self esteem but in hindsight at the time I met this guy I was ready for some fun as my life has been quite serious (raising so many children with limited means can be like that). He really made me laugh, and actually enjoyed spending time around my children and I. He wanted a child, and impulsively we made one (a little girl, now two). But during my pregnancy he backed off, reminded me that we were ‘never in a committed relationship’ and that he’d be my friend. (Later I learned he became involved with a much younger woman at this stage)

    I realise now that I’d, as you say, invited him into my life as a ‘do over’ of some of my past stuff, including my mother being left by my father with three children and myself being abandoned several times by my ex husband, twice when pregnant. Amazing how I could have thought I was ok, emotionally and mentally! (I’m getting counselling as well as studying psychotherapy)

    Anyway, to cut a long and painful story short, I’ve done a lot of work on myself, taken repsonsibility for my choices and have continued to get on with my life and find joy in the world around me. I have been, however, attempting to ‘let go’ of the guy rather than focusing on loving myself so much he becomes boring (I love that bit of wisdom Rori)… in fact over time he has come to have less and less of a hold on me, but I still find him attractive. A part of me wants to laugh with him and be lovers and another part wants to ‘make things right’ (by our daughter, for one). Rationally I realise that nothing can make this guy love me or want to commit, and that’s OK. Rationally I am able to see that this guy is no good for me, that he brings a lot of trouble into my life (like other women who are angry at me, one of which has also just given birth to his child). He’s just a do-over, right? I ought to be ‘done’ by now.

    I’ve surrounded myself with great guys who treat me very well, none of which interest me romantically, and I make myself available to meet new men (although I don’t ‘seek’ them). This is really working for me – I’m happier – I do believe I truly love and accept myself. I’m in the process of looking for paid work for the first time in years and I look and feel good physically (I take really good care of myself).

    So I’m at the point of perhaps being really ready to meet ‘the one’, and wonder what the next step is. None of the guys I’m Circular Dating are candidates (although they are all perfect for circular dating) – I have practical issues to address, such as finances (it seems mercanary but whoever I have a committed relationship has to be prepared to share in supporting five children) and I’m unprepared to pair up with someone who has no urge to grow or to see things differently.

    Is there an energetic ‘trick’ to attracting the right guy? Will this small part of me that is still attracted to the father of my child hold me back? How much healing do I need to do before I’m on track to have a real and beautiful relationship??

    thanks 🙂

    danae



  6.  #6Daria on August 25, 2009 at 12:02 am

    Danae – I love your story! I feel inspired by your strength!

    I would say get the Siren program NOW! And Circulard date more and more men, get out there to meet more!

    Yes there is a trick, and you know what it is, focusing on yourself, and SIREN will help u do that.

    I hope Rori answers you soon I feel so curious and excited to see what she will say to you.



  7.  #7Symantha on August 25, 2009 at 4:00 am

    Carolina,
    I’ve read all your post since the beggining of dating your neighbour hehe nd – found it quite inspirational. I see you are coming to London, I live like 30 min from central London so If you need anything just let me know, I’d feel happy to hear from you and good luck w your moving 🙂
    XoXo
    Symantha



  8.  #8Symantha on August 25, 2009 at 4:37 am

    Rori,
    I wonder… What do you think about an ‘Off Topic’ post?



  9.  #9Aldonza on August 25, 2009 at 7:03 am

    After dating one guy where I was totally over-functioning, I was really leaning back when I was dating again. Enter my latest romance. He was all male energy. I loved it. I let him arrange dates and do most of the work. He was great.

    I fell for it…hard.

    With all of the men these days who lean back and let aggressive women pursue them, a man who will step forward can almost take his pick. And he did. And now I wonder if it was some kind of PUA thing he did with me as I’m feeling very discarded.

    Meh.



  10.  #10Daria on August 25, 2009 at 7:13 am

    Aldonza…

    man schman… what was the message! I think one message I hear from this is “There are MASCULINE MEN out there!”

    Let him go on the river of men! Get back out there and meet lots more… its not about finding a romance, it’s about finding YOU, and you will create romance for yourself once you find You, all men will buzz to you like bees and you will be their honey…



  11.  #11Carolina on August 25, 2009 at 8:24 am

    Hi Symantha,

    Thanks for your message!

    I feel totally clueless when it comes to building a relationship. I hope I can inspire you to do the right things!

    I will live near the Glocester Rd Station. How can we connect?

    Cheers,
    Caro



  12.  #12Mocha on August 25, 2009 at 8:38 am

    Great!



  13.  #13Rori Raye on August 25, 2009 at 9:19 am

    Welcome Danae, and Brava to you! You are so totally on the right track. Just keep Circular Dating and doing what you’re doing — getting yourself work you love (or at least like) and feeling stronger inside willl take care of the rest of it for you. Targeting Mr. Right is the program you want (after the ebook – so you understand the basics) – and Modern Siren for the attraction part of this…Love, Rori



  14.  #14Rori Raye on August 25, 2009 at 9:21 am

    Daria – you sound wonderful! Rori



  15.  #15Symantha on August 25, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    Carolina,

    My email: symantha23@hotmail.com

    So please contact me, I feel excited…. You will love London 🙂



  16.  #16Erin on August 25, 2009 at 5:54 pm

    Hey Rori,
    Here is the deal. I have (as you may remember) dealt with insecurities and large jealousy/paranoia issues from multiple men cheating on me. I have worked so hard in releasing all these old fears and really feeling my way through it. Our relationship has come leaps and bounds…so I thought. He just went on a 6 week TDY (in the states) for a leadership school and I feel like my whole world went back a year in just a small amount of time. I have the nasty thoughts all the time. I have crazy scenarios go through my head….its like I just began this journey even though I thought I have worked so hard. He just got back from an 6 month overseas tour right before he left for the 6 week one. I did AWESOME…no, WE did awesome for that one. We communicated, I had made it a goal to heal all this past pain. I worked so hard at being supportive to myself and him. There were emails upon emails of feeling messages…I felt like I showed him so much of the authentic me. Now, we are in this teeny little 6 week one and I am a flippin mess. DISTURBED for sure. I am edgy and confused and crying and feel abandoned. What happened? He is busy with school and he gets to actually go out with his buddies and have a life over there. Which I am happy about..but I also know I feel jealous about. I feel very insecure and I get this all on a logical level…but I just can’t grasp the whole thing…and I am making it worse! I do good for a few phone calls and then he doesn’t text me back right away and I lose it! WHO IS THIS WOMAN? I thought I had it all together. I miss him, I feel sad, I feel lonely, I feel replaced, I feel unimportant. I don’t know…would love some advice.
    E



  17.  #17Erin on August 25, 2009 at 5:55 pm

    PS….I have read your book twice and done Modern Siren…I felt like I really got it…and this just feels like a huge setback that I can’t right once again. Is it always going to be like this?



  18.  #18Rori Raye on August 25, 2009 at 7:21 pm

    Erin – the one question that kept going through me as I read your comment – and where is YOUR life? Here’s the cure: Get so amazingly booked up with things you LOVE, feel strongly about – Save The World stuff – flirt yourself silly, make some great money, start projects, finish projects…so that you hae no time or energy to devote to this obsessing which does you no good. You have chosen a man who is not home with you all the time. That is part of your pattern. Yes, you will be triggered constantly because – who wouldn’t? I know I couldn’t manage being separated all the time…you are very brave and smart and work hard…keep going in that direction. Love, Rori



  19.  #19Erin on August 25, 2009 at 7:31 pm

    As always…Thank you Miss Rori. That is a lot simpler than I assumed the cure would need to be. Thank you for reminding me that its normal to feel this way.
    Hugs and love, Erin

    PS…I would love any and all comments from you veterans too!



  20.  #20alias girl on August 25, 2009 at 7:50 pm

    i feel good to read rori’s comment to erin. i feel good to be with a man who wants to be with me and spend time with me and treat me like a goddess. i feel so much more filled up with life and things that please me.

    i tried a new experiment tonight for socializing with people and it was not really what i had hoped or anticipated. it was very small and cliqued off and i just felt like oh ok. and i came late cuzz traffic wascrowded. so now here i am feeling a lot sad.

    because what i really really want is a boyfriend.

    and i gave up saving the world.

    and what i really really want is a boyfriend.

    and so right now i feel sad. is ok. i love my feelings of being back in school and not feeling like i fit in. i love my feelings of longing. i love that for this moment i am vibrating LONELINESS.



  21.  #21alias girl on August 25, 2009 at 7:53 pm

    oops this is the question and stories page. well that’s my story i guess. the i feel lonely story i am very familiar with. yae! i love my self pity. i love how i can landslide in a second. but at least now i can bounce back just as quickly.



  22.  #22tinque on August 26, 2009 at 6:31 am

    Erin – I agree with Rori, but I also feel this goes deeper, and the “answer” maybe ought to do so as well. Your six month separation reminds me of my brief in comparison month long separation from K.
    I was prepared for it. I has a lot to do. It was fine. What little of the “nasty” thoughts I had were deflected.
    And now I’m here, and the thoughts have been running rampant, and he only goes away to work.
    Now my situation is much different. I’ve landed in a new everything. You are at home still, but and this is huge, you were separated AGAIN and so soon and unexpectedly.
    When he was away for the long stretch, you prepared yourself in all ways, mentally, physically, logistically, emotionally, spiritually. It’s as if your entire body was in a measured rhythm, counting every beat (every minute or day) until he returned. He was delayed, but you were still in rhythm. You were able to maintain, keep the beat going a little longer.
    You then mellowed down to a soft waltz say, swaying to the new beat; he’s home. It all feels so good. Your song picks up where it left off.
    He’s called away, AGAIN, and for you it’s as if suddenly the violin strings break, and the drum skins snap, the stage tips and falls over, the song screeches to a halt. This is you right now. You are sensitive to abandonment which showed up as cheating in your life. B left unexpectedly. You feel as abandoned even though you logical mind knows that’s not the case, yet that is how it FEELS.
    Definitely do as Rori says (what happened with the new job?) but also breathe, meditate, go over all of our correspondence as reminders of who you REALLY are, and from where you’ve come.
    Make sense?
    xxoo



  23.  #23Rori Raye on August 26, 2009 at 9:00 am

    Beautiful, Tinque, thank you.



  24.  #24Rori Raye on August 26, 2009 at 9:05 am

    You know, Alias Girl, sometimes you’re with people and they just don’t feel good to you. There just isn’t the warmth and connection that puts you at ease. And then one person walks near you, and all of a sudden you feel this possibility for warmth. Go there! Part of this is in learning to feel other people’s energy and how it works with yours, and to notice how you may have been keeping yourself lonely by being around people you can’t FEEL connected to. Just keep doing the Feeling Messages – it will help you get more quickly what the possibilities are around you. Love, Rori



  25.  #25Angeline on August 26, 2009 at 9:08 am

    Hi,

    I love this site so much, and I’m currently working through the Siren program. Here’s my question for today.

    Last night I was hanging out with people from work. It was a sad occasion, as one of the most liked people is leaving the workplace. I ended up drinking a lot and spending some time with this guy who was flirting with me. He was comforting me and being very complimentary and supportive. He said he was going to watch and make sure I got into a cab that night. But then later on he said he was leaving to get food. I said, “Hey, what about getting me into a cab?” I gave him a hug goodbye, but then told him “I think you are lame. L…A…M…E…” I can’t believe what a jerk I was! It’s not that I’m super into this guy, but he’s handsome and nice and I work with him.

    So my question is should I approach him with an apology? I do feel bad and I don’t want to always feel uncomfortable around him at work, thinking like I owe him an apology. And I know I should’ve used the feeling messages instead of labeling him because I was angry/dissapointed. I just lost my cool for a second I guess.

    – Angeline



  26.  #26alias girl on August 26, 2009 at 9:18 am

    thank you rori. i do seem to do that. i picked people and situations in the past where i was not honored or i had to be someone else or it seemed i was just there for the other person as a listening post or something. i am going to really get in touch with who and where i feel that warmth and connection and go there like you said. warmth and connection. i feel good to think about that and co creating situations like that. warmth and connection. i feel a sad pouty face. i feel a deep breath. i feel opening up in my chest. i feel sad pouty face again and tears. i feel good to be accepted and honored and cherished and adored for who i am. i feel good to truly connect with people. i feel good to be in situations where people want to spend time with me and i want to spend time with them.

    thank you.



  27.  #27Mercedes on August 26, 2009 at 9:33 am

    Tinque: I LOVE your response to Erin! So right on target!

    Angeline: I don’t know what the “right” answer is, but I do know that if it were me, I’d apologize. Alcohol can make me do and say things that I regret. When I regret, I can’t just pretend it didn’t happen, I have to face it. I think it’s beautiful when someone can own up to feeling bad about something they said/did and apologize for it. If your motives are ONLY to apologize and there’s not alterior motive, then, I know if I were him, I would appreciate your willingness to come to me and tell me you’re sorry.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  28.  #28Angeline on August 26, 2009 at 10:01 am

    Yeah, Mercedes, that’s how I feel about apologies too, and I generally like to get them out as soon as possible! Now it’s just a matter of finding a moment where I can approach him.

    Thanks so much for your response.

    – Angeline



  29.  #29Carolina on August 26, 2009 at 10:31 am

    Thanks Symantha! I’ve added you to my msn messenger!



  30.  #30Mercedes on August 26, 2009 at 11:02 am

    Angeline: I agree…I get it out as soon as I can as well. Don’t stress it, the time will come and it will be right.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  31.  #31tinque on August 26, 2009 at 11:24 am

    Angeline – I’m with Mercedes on this one. It’s not necessary to go and on about it. Simply say to him I wish I had not said whatever it was you said. You could also word it as, I feel badly for saying what I did. And then LET IT GO. Men don’t dwell on things like we do. He may have already forgotten about it, but this will make YOU feel better. And he will appreciate you for this though he likely won’t express it. Though he may. It doesn’t matter.
    xxoo



  32.  #32Rori Raye on August 26, 2009 at 12:02 pm

    Angeline – CHILL. The PUA guys would pin a medal on you! don’t approach him. Just be vulnerable, flirty, and comfortable with who you are. You told the truth, you were pissed because yet another man promised something and didn’t follow through. You were not a jerk. Chances are you intrigued him. HOWEVER –to ALL – drinking is NOT the way to go here. You have to learn to be open WITHOUT medicinal help! You have to own yourself, your feelings, your actions. Otherwise, there’s no learning going on — and we’re trying to move FAST here…no time to waste…Love, Rori



  33.  #33Carolina on August 26, 2009 at 1:13 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I want to share with you the conversation that I finally had with my next door neighbor last night.

    He came over and after some small chat I said to him that I was feeling sad that I was leaving the country and I hadn’t seen him, that I didn’t want to call him or chase him, that I could understand that he needed some space but that I wasn’t comfortable in this situation.

    He said he was sorry that he had been distant, that he knew that wasn’t the right way to treat women, that we was feeling himself as “one of those jerk men” and that he wasn’t one of them, that he didn’t know exactly what to tell me, that at a certain point he simply had stopped feeling the urge to call me or see me and that on the contrary he had started to feel that he “had to” call me or see me and that he didn’t want to feel that way, that he wanted to be with someone he would feel that need to call her or see her all the time, that he didn’t know why he had stopped feeling that way for me because he thought that I had everything he wanted for in a woman but that he just couldn’t feel it, that he couldn’t point out at a particular moment or situation that had caused him to stop feeling the need to be with me, that he was still very attracted to me, that he didn’t know if he was doing the right way by letting me go because he was afraid he was going to regret it later, that he didn’t want to stop seeing me but that he knew he wasn’t in conditions to ask me for anything.

    It’s sort of funny because I have delivered that same speech many times in the past. It’s the “it’s not you it’s me” kind of speech. When it has happened to me, there’s always something I secretly point at and say “that’s why I didn’t fell for him” (usually some insignificant thing, the way he looks, how he dresses or speaks or his job or whatever). But every of those times I also knew that those were just excuses to explain what cannot be explained: why we fell for some people and don’t fell for others who seem just right for us.

    So, I accepted what he said and understood that sometimes a relationship simply isn’t meant to be, that it has nothing to do with me or how I acted or didn’t act.

    I was able to stay calmed and relaxed while he delivered his speech. I was afraid I was going to cry but on the contrary, I was so relaxed that I was even flirting with him while he was speaking. I could even sense a switch in his tone, he started apologetic and guilty and ended up flirty, confused and unsure if he really wanted to break up or not.

    I said it was ok, that it was a pitty because I liked him but that I wanted a guy that felt for me exactly the way he was describing he wanted to feel and that I was sure that man existed and also that woman for him existed. He said that maybe we had already met that person, that maybe that person for me is you and viceversa, that he didn’t know what was going with him.

    I still feel that I need to work on my self esteem because from the beginning I knew this was going to happen and I still allowed myself to develop feelings for him.

    I don’t want this to happen to me anymore! I don’t want more break-ups!

    Thanks for reading,

    Caro



  34.  #34Daria on August 26, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    Caro – it sounds like he changed his mind half way? maybe lighten up a little bit… this is not a breakup? u are moving…



  35.  #35Rori Raye on August 26, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    Caro – Thank you for the update. You sound magnificent! Circular Dating will prevent this from ever happening again. Love, Rori



  36.  #36Carolina on August 26, 2009 at 4:23 pm

    Hi Rori,

    Just for the record: I’ve never stopped Circular Dating!

    Actually this is something that I casually mentioned to my neighbor yesterday. I said to him that I felt sorry that he had felt that he had an obligation to call me or see me. That I didn’t want that from a man. That I was going to continue living my own life as I had done all the time since we met.

    He looked surprised and asked what I meant and I said to him that I had never stopped dating other men, that I hadn’t slept with anyone while we were together because I’m not so open minded but that since we weren’t in a committed relationship it felt right to me to continue meeting new men. That on those Fridays or Saturdays when he wouldn’t call me or would call me at 10.30 pm and I wouldn’t answer the phone, I was on a date with some other man. He looked surprised, as if he never guessed I could have gone out with other men, then he asked me not to tell him more about it.

    I think that piece of news is probably what made him wonder if he had made the right choice by letting me go.

    Anyway, it’s too late for him to be sorry now as I’m moving to London this weekend, putting an ocean between us. I hope that when I come back all my feelings for him have dissapeared and I’m happier and sexier than ever!

    And Daria, you’re right, it is not a break up because we were never committed, so I guess it’s just one of the guys that leaves the circle and leaves room for new guys to enter it, now Englishmen!

    Cheers,
    Caro



  37.  #37Rori Raye on August 26, 2009 at 8:05 pm

    Caro, than you for the clarification – and you just totally Rock. Love, Rori



  38.  #38gina on August 26, 2009 at 8:14 pm

    Best of luck to Carolina. That story makes me feel nervous – cause, though I hate to admit it, as soon as I like a guy, I have visions of our life together, even though I KNOW it’s way too soon to be thinking this way. What’s up with that? The guy that I mentioned above, who I was dissappointed hadn’t written me back, wrote me within a couple of hours (I was worrying for no reason), saying that Wednesday night he’s busy, but he invited me over for dinner on Thursday. I’m feeling excited about it. I’m excited about him cause he’s the first guy in, well maybe EVER, who actually has promise. I’m thinking that the best way for me to deal with this notion of “promise” without building some crazy expectation, is to feel good about knowing that it is indeed possible to meet a great guy and feel good around him. There is such a thing as a great guy!! It is also possible for me to have feelings for an available guy (I was beginning to wonder!). I feel good knowing that my standards are not too high, and that when I lowered them in the past, I was selling myself short – there are good men out there who are attracted to me, who I can connect with. Good to know!



  39.  #39Carolina on August 26, 2009 at 8:32 pm

    Thanks Rori!!
    Gina, the same happens to me! I also picture myself (very early on) married with the guy and imagine our life together but since it happens ALWAYS and with EVERY MAN I sort of like, I realized it’s a trick that my mind plays with me.
    When I’m dating several men it’s easier to spot this, because you have visions with different men on the same week!! it doesn’t matter if there’s one that you like better, you can still use your imagination with the other men and it’s the same.
    I have already been married once and I broke up an engagement later. In my case, it’s not the dream of a white wedding what makes me feel anxious, but the dream of a healthy couple and the opportunity to raise a family.
    I hope that what happened to Rori is also going to happen to me, that I’ll meet the right man, will get married and will have children before I turn 40! (I’m 36 now).
    Cheers,
    Caro



  40.  #40Symantha on August 27, 2009 at 10:05 am

    Caro!!!
    Amazing, you rock girl!
    Thanks for adding me and actually I don’t have internet connection so not using MSN but coping with emailsin the BlackBerrie so would be easier that way for now.
    Looking forward to contact and thanks for sharing 🙂
    XoXo
    Symantha



  41.  #41Heather on August 27, 2009 at 11:46 am

    I heard something that amused me on the local news in my area this morning… A man had cheated on his wife, and his wife caught him. As “punishment”, she asked him to stand out at a very busy street corner in the morning rush hour wearing a sign about the size of his body that said: “I CHEATED – THIS IS MY PUNISHMENT”. The story can be found here – http://www.nbclosangeles.com/news/weird/I-Cheated-This-Is-My-Punishment-55072497.html.

    At the same time I felt amused by the story, I also felt angry … angry that this is the reality of too many people’s lives.

    My own recent development – last week, I had a fairly strong argument with my boyfriend of almost 6 yrs. We were traveling together and I started feeling triggered, frustrated again with the limbo factor that I have felt on and off for way too long. Bottom line: I let him have it, I didn’t hold back. Neither did he actually. I felt really angry about it, and his words cut like a knife through my heart. The next morning after this, I was alone remembering his words and actually felt a sense of options an more freedom, and thinking more and more seriously about circular dating and really imagining how it would be to find someone who wanted the same things I do and is “ready” for me.

    Well, my boyfriend must have realised what he was saying and afterwards he softened up a lot. Since then, he has been attentive, affectionate, thoughtful, wonderful. Things like feeding the meter for me in the morning, cooking for me, initiating more physical affection, calling me during the day while i am at work to see how I am doing. Maybe, just maybe it sunk in this time.

    Heather



  42.  #42gina on August 27, 2009 at 2:04 pm

    a guy is making me dinner at his place tonight and I’m feeling a little weird: he lives about 45 minutes away. I feel like he is leading the way and giving me energy, but I’m feeling uneasy about driving to his place. Also, I won’t get there till at least 10 pm and this is only the second date. Another thing is that we made out pretty hot and heavy the first date, and I don’t want things to get too physical too fast. Any insight about how to reign this situation under my control?



  43.  #43Daria on August 27, 2009 at 2:14 pm

    Gina … I would let him know I feel uncomfortable and leave it up him lead me to feeling comfortable again if he wants to/can



  44.  #44Daria on August 27, 2009 at 2:14 pm

    Men can be really amazingly good at that actually…



  45.  #45nina on August 27, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    hi Rori
    everything is working good so far
    i feel i can tune my self more and more but the divorce is off the table and we are planing our second honeymoon instead, so…
    i must say its all you [!] both siren and reconnect and the e book that made a complete change for me

    i have two questions:
    1- about talking emails – any tips? – like who says the last words etc…
    2 – i feel schmaltzy when i talk feeling massages, i manage only in writing, and even then it sounds telenovela like – any tips?

    thanks again and again



  46.  #46Symantha on August 27, 2009 at 2:19 pm

    Gina,
    I don’t feel sure about the best way to manage a date at his place starting 10pm.
    If were me I wouldn’t put myself in there while I’m getting to know this guy as I would feel afraid of agreeing in a subtle way that apen to anything that might happen due the circunstances. But that’s just me feeling unable to set boundaries after agreeing the date.
    Hold on to yourself and don’t be afraid to express your boundaries, be brave.
    XoXo,
    Symantha



  47.  #47Daria on August 27, 2009 at 2:25 pm

    Gina – I wanted to add I would let him know i feel uncomfortable BEFORE I went over there… so that he can lead me to a good feeling about going or else I would have the choice not to go… actually this would seem to me like a great opportunity to “see what he’s made of” in that regard



  48.  #48nina on August 27, 2009 at 2:35 pm

    and a third one:
    the other day i took my car broke down and this very nice man helped me, and then we set in the same coffee place [separate tables] i asked for coffee and later on i discovered he payed for it.
    in the old days i might have payed his drink i was that leaning forward, anyway – i felt guilty, all that effort to mend my marriage and im flirting? i mean is there an a platonic circular dating for married wifes?
    i felt so good that i eventually know how to behave, like i own this power, i used to feel transparent for man, i told myself it was age and kids etc… anyway,
    i know i will see him again, its a small place, and i liked what i felt… what i am to do with this situation?



  49.  #49Carolina on August 27, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    Gina,

    I would be honest with the guy. Before driving 45′ to his place, I would tell him exactly how you feel about getting intimate. I usually say that for me sex involves too much commitment and for that reason I don’t want to get intimate with a guy I don’t know well enough or with whom I’m not sure I want to have any kind of commitment.
    And please, don’t do anything you’re not absolutely sure you want to do and feels good to you, no matter what the guy’s expectations are.
    Good luck, enjoy and shine!
    Caro



  50.  #50Ann on August 27, 2009 at 7:17 pm

    Some interesting thoughts and questions thanks for sharing.



  51.  #51Tracy on August 27, 2009 at 10:42 pm

    Carolina,
    Thanks for sharing your experience….I FINALLY did my first baby step on feeling messages on this guy i really like and i broke it off with him yesterday…I finally let go of it all….I told him how i felt and i explained i needed space to do my thing and go on with my life….I was so afraid of that moment and i wasn’t able to tell him in person so i explained on the phone.I feel so much relief right now and i feel much better….I did like him a lot and i was very much attracted to him but i only want him if he wants the same things i want…I want to feel that we make each other happy and he’s fulfilled by me and i him…I feel that i will have that,that i deserve that,and for now i need to let go of what i don’t want to attract that which i want….
    He still wants us to meet in person and talk,but my mind is made up….it feels good to be honest with how i feel….i haven’t done this in a long time…..i feel great that i finally did my baby step on this one…i can’t wait to get used to this….



  52.  #52gina on August 28, 2009 at 3:01 am

    Thanks so much for all the insight. I decided to follow my true feelings about him and our vibe rather than my ideas about dating “rules,” and I realized that I did feel pretty comfortable with him. However, I felt pressure to “contribute” wine or something to the meal. he texted me not to worry about it, but I said that I felt weird coming empty handed. He acquiesced, I brought the wine, and ended up feeling like I was overfunctioning (I had gone to a special wine store). I felt a little overwhelmed about entering his world. I didn’t express that – i went into analytical mode, and that’s pretty much what we did the whole time. We analyzed my life path, his history with living situations, my current roommate, politics, etc. I felt comfortable with all that. I didn’t want to be intimate – I felt a lot of inner resistance to getting into a deeper connection. I feel a little confused. I was comfortable with the level of connection that we had – I wonder if I will wish I had gone deeper, later. I did have fun, and I feel comfortable and basically attracted. I guess I’m missing the pain and fear that I associate with love. It feels a little “boring,” for lack of a better term. I guess I’m hoping for lightening bolts and drama. I suppose feeling messages are supposed to facilitate those feelings in a healthy way – okay, next time, I will challenge myself to express feelings about the moment.



  53.  #53Symantha on August 28, 2009 at 3:12 am

    Hey ladies…

    When dating, even when Im in an exclusive relationship I struggle big time
    with the following.
    The guy in question asks you:
    Do you have plans for tonight? Tomorrow night? or this Sat or this Sun?
    I mean… I might have my best plans B set up as going out with the girls
    or just time with myself doing something that I enjoy but I feel controlled
    when my boyfriend which who Im trying to increase my difficulty level is
    asking me those questions I just inmediately got ‘out of balance’ mode and
    always say: No.. nothing, nop plans. Just because I feel curious what he’s
    going to propose. He might go and respond asking me out or just say..
    nothing just asking, bluhhh!! Is surprinsing how annoyed I feel when this
    happens. Any takes on this one?

    XoXo

    Symantha



  54.  #54Angeline on August 28, 2009 at 9:12 am

    Hi Rori and all my Siren Friends!

    I have a question about energy exchange. Rori, you seem to be saying that feminin energy receives, and you even have us practice receiving energy from trees and nature. And I agree that it feels really good to lean back and let a guy’s energy in. But I guess I have a little bit of an intellectual “thinking” problem with it, because I don’t want to be an energy vampire! You know those people who just leave you feeling exhausted? I don’t want to be like that. Plus, I know that the energy of my heart and my love is beautiful, and sometimes it feels good to spread it around.

    Rori, can you speak to this a bit? I’m also really curious to know how transitioning into a receiving mode of energy has been for all you beautiful and powerful women!

    ~ Angeline



  55.  #55tinque on August 28, 2009 at 10:46 am

    Angeline – I love this question ms am anxious to hear Rori’s response.
    As far as I know and feel it, women or feminine energy is LOVE energy all by itself, no extra energy output required. SOFT. WARM, INVITING a beautiful place to visit, revel in, stay for awhile or forever. To be in this realm of feminine energy is a comfort and a joy.
    You don’t have to DO anything at all. You just are this energy. You give without having to give. It just is. You don’t have to consciously spread it around. You already are spreading it around just by being open and vulnerable, just by being you.
    xxoo



  56.  #56Odessa on August 28, 2009 at 11:16 am

    Hi Rori,

    Thank you for you letters and stuff. Here’s my story.

    I was dating this guy a few year’s ago and we broke up (he had another woman that he brought to my house so she could “talk to me”- I was pissed and told him all sorts of things I can’t tell u here). He said he didn’t know what to do and I told him never to call me again.

    That was three years ago and except for seeing me occasionally on the road, he respected my wishes.

    Now our paths have crossed again and he said that he feels the same way he felt about me back then (he has never said exactly ‘what’ he feels) but he had that solemn look.

    He invited me out and I went. We had a good time, but I think I felt reserved and cautious during the evening. I went with him back to his house and ended up helping him with a newspaper article he was writing after i told him I wasn’t interested in having sex with anyone I was not in a committed relationship with. He took me home.

    He called since then several times specifically to talk about sex. He said that he understood what I was saying but that he felt something was missing. Next he told me he wanted to get to the place I was talking about in a relationship but he didn’t know what to do (I don’t know if I believe that). Then he told me he wanted to have children ( I told him I have to be married first).

    The truth is, I want it to work with HIM because I know him already. At this point I don’t feel brave enough to go out and meet new men. I am very busy working two job. I have been trying to lean back and keep my boundaries, But I want to have sex with him. I want him to treat me better, take me seriously and step up and be a man. Sometimes I think he is afraid but I don’t want to make excuses for him.

    Can you help?

    Love, Odessa.



  57.  #57la la land on August 28, 2009 at 5:51 pm

    today im sinking real deep
    i try not to resist let it fill me just like birth pain
    but i felt so disconnected and sad and lonely tonight,
    yes i guess im angry to.

    i tried to feeling massage it to him but he was in a party, felt so silly

    im living with a man who is constantly not home, most of the time i live our emails, fuck vegetables and huge trees.[thanks for the tip – it works] – is that what marriage looks like?

    now that i siren myself a bit more i don’t know if i want to fix this marriage
    maybe i want a new guy, that is actually present.

    [is this just another drama to pass over the empty rooms? am i faking this to get a sense of control? i dont want to live in la la land no more, i want something i can bite my teeth on.]



  58.  #58Ginggi on August 29, 2009 at 1:48 am

    Dear Rori,

    I just want to let you know..You’re an angel and Godsent for us..



  59.  #59Rori Raye on August 29, 2009 at 12:09 pm

    Wow – Welcome, la la land. You sound quite “poetic” – which is lovely. Before you start thinking about getting a new man (though Circular Dating will help your vibe and your self-esteem and good feelings) – work with my Tools to change your language with him (The 4 Rules) and to increase your WARMTH with him (The Invitation in Commitment Blueprint – the OPENING your heart part of all the programs and the Rori Raye Dance Position (look in the glossary for short explanations of some of the Tools)). You might be able to shift this marriage very quickly. If you have no programs – start with the ebook – it may just turn everything around for you quickly and turn him into a better man…Love, Rori



  60.  #60Rori Raye on August 29, 2009 at 12:33 pm

    Odessa, Welcome, and I think Mercedes would be proud of you and your Boundaries. And we would ALL tell you to stay away from this man UNLESS you are Circular Dating up a storm. I know you work so hard and don’t have time — but you talk to men and meet men everywhere – at work, on the street, at the market. You simply need to start. Flirt. Use the Feeling Messages and let conversations happen. PRACTICE. Then this man will fall into place in your life – perhaps OUT of your life and not be so important to you, as he is now. Love, Rori



  61.  #61Rori Raye on August 29, 2009 at 12:40 pm

    Nina – Welcome, and thank you for your great story and insight and the babysteps you’re taking for yourself. Let him have the last word. Get rid of your need for “closure.” Feeling Messages take PRACTICE. Practice EVERYWHERE, until it feels natural and you’re doing it correctly. About the man who bought you coffee — you handle this by ENJOYING IT!!!!! and Experiencing your enjoyment!!! If he should come over, you talk with him. If he should ask for your number or email address, let him know “I feel so disappointed…and I’m married…” You may take his card “in case that changes” – and save it in a special Circular Dating place in a private drawer. It will make you feel good and powerful. the man who bought you coffee felt good about HIMSELF doing what he did…allow HIM to feel that…Love, Rori



  62.  #62la la land on August 30, 2009 at 8:02 am

    hola, i did many mistakes in one bad feeling massage i tried to conduct, tried to communicate the above post i got a divorce threat on the spot, saying im a negative person. i guess it wasn’t well preperd or delivered or both…i remind myself mistake is a part of the proses, but we were doing so god, and now this. i dont want to fail here, i want to be a positive happy person, i just wasn’t for so many years, there’s the truth, i fill like im on trial, dont like that



  63.  #63Mercedes on August 31, 2009 at 8:30 am

    Odessa: Rori is right…I’m VERY proud of you for standing strong with your boundaries!! I absolutely LOVE reading about that!!

    You said: “But I want to have sex with him. I want him to treat me better, take me seriously and step up and be a man.”

    and I know just how you feel. I can’t promise you THIS man, but I can promise you THE RIGHT man when you stay so strong. When we want a man to treat us better, we need to get stronger because as soon as we compromise a boundary so we can be with him, we show him that the treatment we are getting is enough for us. If it isn’t, then it’s incredibly important to keep reminding him of that by not lowering ourselves.

    If you are strong with what you need and if he is the right man, he’ll give you what you need. If he can’t or won’t, then he’s not enough…and you deserve more than “enough”…you deserve to be cherished.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  64.  #64Elise on August 31, 2009 at 10:21 am

    Hi Rori,

    I’ve been on two dates with this guy a long with calls and texts, and he keeps on saying he loves aggressive women and that I can put more of an effort into our relationship. I told him I feel comfortable when the guy leads.
    How can I explain to him in a way for him stop implying me to be aggressive?

    Thanks



  65.  #65Simple on August 31, 2009 at 12:04 pm

    ok. I have never done this. I need help. fast. I’ve been dating a divorced man (yes I know his ex) for 2 years. He is very stubborn, hard headed, black and white and always right. I was recently separated with little children and vulnerable. I do think I am in love with him. After reading everything yes, i have done it all.. text, email, cook, laundry, everything to be right. I will say I am an attractive woman (petite, blonde and I guess easy on the eyes- so I’ve been told) Many things have happened in our relationship- he has invited me to things then renegged then called to say we were back on. Given my ticket to a concert to his ex and they went. He has dropped me off in the middle of the road at 2am to walk home. He left me at a concert with his friends who were shocked at his behavior and by the time I got home he had left his key on the counter (he does not live with me) All because of my ex. who I have very little to do with except for pick ups and drop offs that last minutes. He says their father doesn’t do enough for his kids, doesn’t pay enough, doesn’t take them enough. I will not push my kids away. I will not push them on a man that doesn’t want them. He has called me names- many- everything you could imagine. liar, wh*re, not a good mother, weak. I could go on and on. When my car broke down- no ride. when my kid was sick- no compassion(especially because the dad was involved in visiting at the hospital) I have told him time and again I am not perfect. But I lead a simple life. I don’t like to fight. He shuts me out for days on end. I am not a name caller. I do not interfere with his divorce or his children. Maybe I’m too simple. I haven’t figured it out. He says he loves me. He never apologizes. ever. When we are together we have fun. at least I thought so. I do. but I’m feeling like a trophy- he calls when he needs that 4th person, or sex. How do I get him to truely committ and love me for me and not worry about my ex?? (who by the way is engaged- I thought that would’ve helpped!) I don’t talk too much because I’m afraid of his reaction and feel like he’ll just shut me out again. I’m always walking on egg shells. I’m too old for games. I don’t know how to play. The song hot & cold is so him.



  66.  #66Rori Raye on September 1, 2009 at 12:30 pm

    Welcome, Simple – and you’re not going to like my answer. I’m going to be tough here: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THIS MAN!!! He treats you like scum, he’s unbalanced, narcissistic, weird, mean, angry…just any one of those things he did would get him dumped in my book. Your self-esteem is below floor level. You have to work on yourself. Please, please get your energy away from this man. You will never get him to love you because he CAN’T LOVE!!! Any man who drops a woman off at the side of the road at 2am to walk home alone is a lost cause. Ever heard of Chris Brown? Please, get some help. You are right at that edge where you are about to fall into that place where you not only attract and are attracted to a toxic man — but become enmeshed with him to the destruction of your own self-worth, and often your whole life. Please follow the Tools here and get help from everyone. Love, Rori



  67.  #67Rori Raye on September 1, 2009 at 12:33 pm

    Elise, Welcome, and here’s my suggestion. Ask him what he means by “aggressive.” I think he may be talking about sex. As far s calls and texts, and all that — don’t get sucked in to initiating. Just return his calls, etc. What you said was PERFECT. “I told him I feel comfortable when the guy leads.” You can also say ” I feel uncomfortable leading. It feels better to be a girl.” Love, Rori



  68.  #68tinque on September 1, 2009 at 12:40 pm

    Simple – Before I even got to the end of your post and before I read Rori’s response, her exact words were screaming in my head. OMG!
    WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THIS MAN!!!
    Plus a few choice other words.
    Rori said it all. I have nothing to add.



  69.  #69Mercedes on September 1, 2009 at 12:53 pm

    Simple: I’m 100% with Rori and Tinque! Get out of there and work on you and your own self-esteem and boundaries!! You said you love him, but other than fun, you didn’t mention one thing about him that you love. Love isn’t someone being fun. Heck…LIKE isn’t even someone being just fun sometimes! And even if “fun” was really the definition of love…you’re not even sure it’s fun.

    Almost all women who stay in abusive relationships say “But I love him”. You are in an abusive relationship (not even “relationship”…you are attracted to an abusive man) and saying “but I love him” without knowing what it is you love or even like about him is only going to attract more and more abuse.

    Please get out…before he starts to believe you really do love him. If he believes that…things will only get worse. As his power over you grows, things will only get worse. Rori is right…you’ll never make him love you. He can’t and doesn’t deserve your love either.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  70.  #70Linda G on September 1, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    a question abut circular dating:
    what is the best way to handle when a guy wants to get physically intimate but you don’t feel it. Kissing was okay, but I just want to date and not get involved physically, mostly I am not attracted to him at this time, maybe never. It always seems to be deal breaker for men. Kissing and sex seem to be a normal part of dating for these guys. and I don’t want to “make out” with someone I don’t want to go further with. Is this a signal to cut and run, stop seeing the guy?



  71.  #71Linda G on September 1, 2009 at 2:15 pm

    PS I have listened to Commitment Blueprint a couple of times, please explain “the invitation” how to achieve that.



  72.  #72Ann on September 1, 2009 at 8:20 pm

    Simple I so agree with Rori, Tinque and Mercedes. The only other thing I want to add is to hell with loving him-love yourself first. You deserve alot better treatment than that and you’re the only one who can show him his behavior is unacceptable.

    Linda I don’t know about “the invitation” as I don’t have the program. But I feel you shouldn’t have sex unless you want to. If when you explain that to the men, they won’t accept it, guess it’s time to move on. That’s my .02



  73.  #73Linda G on September 1, 2009 at 8:38 pm

    Thanks, Ann. I guess I just need to be brave enough to say what I’m feeling instead of just shutting down. I am uncertain how they’ll react, but my guess is get all huffy. Either way, it ends there but I don’t feel so wierd about it.

    By the way, Ann, how are you and yours?

    Simple, the hardest and the best thing I’ve learned through Rori is having boundaries and sticking to them. It takes away all the guilt and self analysis.



  74.  #74Ann on September 1, 2009 at 8:52 pm

    Your welcome Linda. We’ve been doing ok been alot going on. I also have trouble sometimes speaking my feelings but I’m better at it than I was. I need to call it a night but want you to know I enjoy reading everyone’s progress. You have such a way with words.



  75.  #75la la land on September 2, 2009 at 12:55 am

    just wanted to updat my case,
    I worked with the siren program through our last crises, and it worked very good for me.
    i found the power of the E,E,E,and E
    instead of getting all stressed from the threat, i explored it, try to notice how it fills to be threatened, how the air the time looks different
    i also found the power of focusing on myself, went jogging instead of crying in bad
    i also realized how i wasnt taking responsible on my own emotion, made him wrong everytime i felt bad.
    i discovered the heavy lid of enxiaty and dipression over everything from happy to sad, just like explaind in the program + the waiting for the other shoe to drop.
    i cant do the feeling massages yet, but i guess one has to be able to feel first…
    anyway. as is, i received immediate results, and amazing melt into myself in his presence sex, that was very new and inspiering
    now i do the window exercise, for his next trip, and i fill very calm
    my only worry, is that on the everyday life i will be able to receive all the good he seems to shower me with [when i m in the correct position] and allow our happiness level to rise



  76.  #76Daria on September 2, 2009 at 1:11 am

    LA LA LA – that is AMAZING! you did all that WOW!!! wow seriously that is so much stuff… Great job Girl!

    you took some running baby steps and ran a whole mile!!!

    Here’s some tips to help you find feelings… go to the more recent posts, and ?I think the third one back is
    Tool to soften Yourself Up

    That will probably help you find a feeling. u might think well one feeling, thats not enough, but actually it is. That’s how simple it is. find feeling in moment, no need to find out why you feel it, and then next step is to express it. This can be as random as I feel sad with no explanation. or of course I feel happy with no explanation. If he asks why, well you can say something that inspired u to feel that way, or you can say I don’t know if you don’t know…

    Second tip:
    Go to the POWER and SELF ESTEEM section on the right –>
    go back to the post called problems. Go on through the posts from there, making the lists. Post your lists if you want here ( I did). I would feel happy if you posted under the most recent post available on the front page, that makes your comments easier to find. doinjg the Power and Self Esteem section will teach you to “riff” and really really find your feelings. That’s how I found them. I did not even know what they were.

    Love,
    Daria

    again Wow. ps about your worry, youve just taken a mile worth of baby steps. As you keep baby stepping, you will have even more and more happiness. Relax and enjoy.



  77.  #77Daria on September 2, 2009 at 1:34 am

    Linda… I want to say try your best not to guess how they’ll react. Rember :”Be surprised”

    If you already set it in your mind that they’ll get huffy, they will pick up on that vibe and are much more likely to do taht.

    Give them the space to do what they do, no guessing… how do you FEEL about it? sounds like you feel “uncertain” as you said, maybe anxious, vulnerable, maybe even afraid../ I might feel, uncomfortable, insecure? I don’t know… thats how I would feel I think.



  78.  #78Rori Raye on September 2, 2009 at 10:19 am

    Good for you, la la land! Rori



  79.  #79Symantha on September 2, 2009 at 3:05 pm

    Rori and girls,

    I’m trying to start circular dating in the online dating world.. so here’s my question.
    How do you express your intentions when a guy asks you what are you looking for, what type of relationship, what I do want, etc??
    Sometimes they ask this before asking for a date so what would be the no girlfriend speech when you are not even dating yet?
    XoXo
    Symi



  80.  #80Simply Shannon on September 2, 2009 at 3:23 pm

    Symi: Answering that question (what are you looking for?) is so awkward, isn’t it? My profile says basically “I’m looking for something long term but I want to get to know you first. So let’s go out and see what happens.” When I get asked this on dates, I pretty much say the same thing. I usually add that even though I was married and then divorced, I don’t feel jaded about marriage. I also don’t feel the need to rush into anything but I’m not looking for casual dating or hook-ups.

    Does that help? Shannon



  81.  #81Symantha on September 2, 2009 at 3:34 pm

    SS,

    thanks.. when wondering about this subject you was the first source I was thinking of to ask 😉 as I’ve been follow your stories in the CD. I feel a little reserved and don’t know how to open up.
    When the conversation about this is going they also directly ask, are you looking for Mr Right to get marry? and I go numb! like weell…. eeerrrr, mmmmmm, yesmmmm, etc
    but want to scream at the same time: And Im not expecting that Mr Right is you so don’t panic! hahahhhaa
    The point is that I do want to find the one to get marry but in the mean time I ‘need’ to circular date in order to move on from my broken engagement so… is where I feel stuck in the approach and what to express… Im getting there so thank you SS.
    Hughs
    Symi



  82.  #82Simple on September 2, 2009 at 7:18 pm

    I couldn’t even get through Mercedes and Ann and Tinque responses without crying. I am so tired. I work 2 jobs, I have 3 children, I’m taking 2 classes and what am I doing with him?? I don’t really know. He does treat me like scum Rori. I know in my head he does. I know I need to leave him. I know I need to let go. My friends (and some of his) say the same thing. many people don’t know some of the things I posted here. I don’t tell anyone. I want people to like him. my heart keeps pulling me back.. he rarely says anything sweet or remotely romantic or compassionate. I know he is incapable of loving anyone except himself. My friends say its not me, its him and that I can’t fix him. I’m not trying to fix him. Am I afraid to be alone? I’m going to be 40. He does help sometimes. He may mow the lawn, or take the kids out for icecream. He finally came to the dr with me and the kids the other day that was the most caring I’ve seen him. I think he is trying to support me….My kids do like him, although they’ve seen me cry too much for my liking. I know I feel like I’m not saying anything positive but my heart is so there… I just wanted it to work so bad. I miss him when we’re not together. I’ll send him a nice text throughout the day just to let him know i’m thinking of him. I don’t think I’m too much or too pushy. I think I’m the normal one. As I said before, i do know his ex. I know she threw things, I know she called 911 over and over, i know she was a screamer. I always thought it was her, not him… and living with that for years wouldn’t it take a while to get away from? But he never seems to care what goes on in my life, never asks how my day was, never asks what I would like.. he makes all the decisions. The other night I decided I was going to go out with some friends I haven’t seen in a long time (they do not like him) So I did. We went to dinner. 3 hours I was told I was gone. What took so long?? ok.. 40 min ride.. 30 min waiting for a table.. then dinner.. and 40 min back.. I have to account for all my time and God forbid if I mess up on my words or say oh I didn’t mean it that way… I’m then a liar. Who did my lips touch… whatever, so now he’s having a guy night out to get back at me… good, go out. please do! whatever makes him happy.. thats when he misses me and of course is drinking and I get the I want you texts…
    Thanks for everyone’s help. I really know what I need to do, I just don’t know how to and there never seems to be a good time…



  83.  #83Simple on September 2, 2009 at 7:50 pm

    And he has a wonderful family that I love.



  84.  #84Simple on September 2, 2009 at 7:59 pm

    We have great friends too….
    Did I say he compares me to his ex? And this woman that threw things is the strong one that follows through on what she says but because I don’t bring my ex to court to increase the child support I don’t follow through, I am a liar.. (cuz i was planning on going to court but then my ex agreed and papers were signed without court) But she is a strong woman and fights for her children.. and I am not.. but he always comes back after he’s not talking to me for days….. we bumped into his ex on vacation and he was so mad at God knows what (guilt, I think) he wouldn’t talk to anyone we were with, walked alone back to the hotel and now his family wants an apology and they haven’t spoken since.. but I know that will eventually blow over (although its been months) I don’t even know if I am making any sense any more.. I’m so confused. All these stories sound so unbelievable. I know if a friend was telling me I’d be shaking her too WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???!! I could type on and on and on.. I’m sorry night is the worst time for me.. he’s working and my kids are in bed



  85.  #85la la land on September 3, 2009 at 3:47 am

    thank you , i could never have gotten this far without this loving safe place…

    now im dealing with his being away again,
    my question here is about the PHONE CALLS, usually they are so short but still i find myself looking forward to them as if my life are dependent on it, and when they arrive they fill of technical info and they finish with him wanting to hangup and me trying to say just one more thing, now all this feels like the old me, how does the new me treats the phone calls issue?

    1- i try to never call or sms him [sometimes i still do]
    2- i keep myself busy doing my own things
    3 – when he calls, i find myself trying to describe everything i went through since we last spoke – maybe here is were i push him away? maybe i should just relate to the presence moment ?

    any tips?



  86.  #86Aldonza on September 3, 2009 at 5:36 am

    @Simple
    Stop struggling.

    Seriously. You’re twisting yourself inside out for a man who won’t budge an inch. Stop making excuses for him. Stop clinging to the tiny little things he does (than any human would do without thought). Stop trying to justify his actions by those of his ex. I’m telling you right now, his ex *was* as insane as he says she was. She was insane because *she* was fighting the same battle you’re fighting now and it *made* her insane. It’s making *you* insane.

    This isn’t love. This is addiction. It’s no different than sitting in an ally with a needle in your arm…and probably just as harmful. You’re life is circling around this man like the eye of the hurricane. He gets to be all calm and rational because you’re blowing in the wind.

    It is *not* going to get better. You can lean back until you’re prostrate and all he’ll do is step over you. Rori’s tools work, but only with men who have normal emotional reactions. This man is a narcissist. (Google narcissistic personality disorder for more information.) His reactions are so warped they’re triggering you to try harder and harder. You can’t make him care. I don’t believe he’s capable.

    It isn’t him. It *is* you. You choose to be with him. Stop choosing him. Start choosing you.



  87.  #87Carolina on September 3, 2009 at 6:12 am

    Hi Rori (et al:)),

    I’m in London already and following your advise I will practise with all these Englishmen here. I’ve created a profile in an Internet Dating Site and I plan to start Circular Dating. I wanted your candid criticism of what I’ve wrote there. My description goes as follows:

    “I know I’m beautiful inside and out. Feminine, sensible, generous, a little bit whimsy and a very good friend. I have a beautiful life, a rewarding professional career and many close friends. I’m thrilled that I have the job that I always dreamed of. As a corporate counsel working for a multinational company, I ve recently relocated into London and I’m looking forward to make of this experience the time of my life. I speak Spanish, English and Italian. I have a positive attitude and a big smile. I love the outdoors. It s easier to found me in the country side riding a horse, walking in the park, lying in the sun by a swimming pool or at a coffee table chatting with my friends than at a bar or night club. I can feel comfortable around all kind of people and circumstances and actually I like to experience diverse environments. I can be at ease wearing a little black dress and stilettos for a special night out, in a smart suit attending a company conference or wearing a white t-shirt and jeans for a Sunday brunch. Somewhere out there there s a man who is smart, a gentleman, generous with his time, not afraid to share his affection, someone with whom I can get lost in conversation with just as easily as we can share one of those moments of comfortable silence in each other s arms. Someone who would me feel safe and warm. If you are funny, intelligent, confident, handsome, patient, enjoy children and enjoy the outdoors you’re perfect! But if you’re less than perfect, then we already have a lot in common.”

    Any thoughts?

    Cheers,
    Caro



  88.  #88Simply Shannon on September 3, 2009 at 6:28 am

    Caro: I LOVE what you’ve written. And I’m stealing the last line of your profile. That is AWESOME!!! Mine says something like “I’m not perfect (shh- don’t tell anyone) and I don’t expect you to be either.” I’m stealing yours! I love it! Good luck to you Caro!

    Shannon



  89.  #89tinque on September 3, 2009 at 6:59 am

    Simple – My heart is aching for you and aching in recognition. Your sense of worth is low as mine was many years ago, and when in such a state, we settle for crumbs and feel grateful for those little bits of nothing. Yet we know deep inside or not so deeply that this is WRONG, and we DO deserve so much more.
    Your conflict feels familiar. It’s YOUR time now. You have a full plate, yet you need to take the time to make yourself SMILE, make yourself feel GOOD. The classes you are taking I hope fall in this scope. For me going back to college was the first step out, a BIG one at that.
    And thankfully it was the beginning of the end of a horribly destructive relationship, no physical abuse but plenty of emotional just as it seems with you. He’s tearing you into little pieces. Please don’t let him do that anymore.
    xxoo



  90.  #90Mercedes on September 3, 2009 at 7:21 am

    Aldonza: Thank you! What you said to Simple needed to be said…

    Simple: I would love to help you, but nobody can help you until you break away from this man forever. It doesn’t matter that he mows the lawn or tells you he misses you via drunk text (that stuff means he wants to use you for sex). He needs to be gone from your life!!

    Aldonza is right…his ex was acting crazy. So are you! The two of you deal with trauma differently. She lets it out in rages, you stuff it down. She was traumatized by this man…she had to deal with it. That doesn’t make her a bad person…it makes her a human who had to deal with trauma. Same goes for you. Personally, I don’t push down feelings and I’m pretty much NEVER one to hold back on telling J exactly what I think and/or feel. If you don’t do things my way or his ex’s way or Rori’s way..that’s okay. But right now, you DO need to learn how to deal with your trauma in a healthy way. The ONLY way you can possibly start dealing with it and healing from it is to remove it from your life.

    Get him out of your life before he destroys you. You will already have a LOT of healing to do. Remove him or you will end up believing he’s what you need. He isn’t. You deserve better. Believe that so we can all help you.

    Look at your children. They may say they “like” him, but if they’ve seen you cry even ONE time over this man…they’re just too afraid to hurt you by telling you the truth. Children have unconditional love for their parents…not for their mom’s boyfriend. They don’t like him…they just don’t want to hurt you. They can’t tell you that because they are learning from you. You are teaching them to “put up with whatever a man does to you” (girls) and to “treat a woman like trash” (boys) and to push down all your thoughts and feelings and NEVER tell the other person something that will hurt them. You children cannot be honest with you because they’ll hurt you. Can you look at them and decide NO MAN who has EVER made you cry in front of you children is worth it? Please…can you teach them better lessons? Can you show them how to be honest about their feelings so they don’t follow your pattern? Can you work on YOU so that your children can see what a confident, strong, healthy woman is like?

    We all want to help…and we can’t with him in your life.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  91.  #91DocK on September 3, 2009 at 7:26 am

    Hi Simple

    I feel so sad reading your story. I was there. The guy I have written about that I call “Ex” (BF not husband) – I could sit here and write a litany of things he did that were just unbelievable and had people shaking their heads at the DocK they thought was so sensible and confident and how/why I was tolerating this. But the “whats” of his behaviour aren’t even the point – the point is that he was angry, selfish, and hurtful to me. He had moments of being sweet and funny but those got to be fewer and fewer. ( I do believe he was narcisstic as well.)

    I felt trapped in a way because although I wasn’t married to him or living with him we worked together. I also didn’t know anyone outside of work – hard as I tried to get out and meet people (and believe me – I get in the car and go places) and I was at a point of feeling so lonely that I really did think I might harm myself.

    Sometimes I wish someone could just put me in a lab and analyze the moment that I knew I wasn’t going to “do” this relationship anymore. I often wonder when did the moment ENOUGH click into gear.

    BUT it did happen and my life changed for the better in so many ways that I was always grinning from ear to ear and so happy.

    Aldonza and Tinque are so right. Loving yourself, breaking out, doing things you love, honoring yourself – you start and it gets easier until one day you just look at this guy and think – what was I so enamored of with him?

    My Ex has moved back again from west to east coast but I won’t talk to him. He is confused, I know, because at a certain point in our parting I did try to still be friendly and help him with info in his new job. but enough really became enough.

    Someone was writing in one of the threads about not being able to afford the programs right now. I know a number of women posting here have mentioned this. They are SO critical, and they have been so helpful to me. With my current LI – I DID run over and over and over again away from him that I am shocked he’s still here. The programs helped me with my self-confidence, self-love and speaking from feelings and setting boundaries. I am enjoying the moment but I am also OK no matter what happens because I am SO much more OK and strong on the inside.

    Thinking about the programs and money issues – I am wondering if there is a way we could start a Rori fund to get programs to women that need them.



  92.  #92Simply Shannon on September 3, 2009 at 7:30 am

    Simple: I feel hesitant to respond simply because I’ve been in your shoes and reading your words triggers in me a lot of different things. I was married to an alcoholic for many years. He wasn’t a wake-up-and-drink kind of drunk but he would get blitzed every time he did drink. He would drink and drive, was never around, usually passed out in his leather recliner when he came home. He never hit me but was aggressive at times. And emotionally he was just never there much unless it was to argue with me. We had some good times at first but it took me a long time to see what was really going on. It took me even longer to stop making excuses for him.

    I feel concerned for your safety. Reading your posts reminds me of what my counselor at the time said… “it always gets worse. Once they are on the slide down, it always gets worse.” I know at that time I felt scared to do anything differently. I felt too afraid to rock the boat and to lose him. Ack. The thing is… he was already gone. *I* was the one hanging on.

    Like Aldonza says “choose you”. Do what feels GOOD to you, for YOU. Find a safe place for you and your children. Maybe even find a counselor. I feel horrible saying these things to you because I remember how awful I felt about myself during those last few years. The thing is that I KNOW you can do this. And I’m living proof that things can be better once you get away from that craziness. I don’t have a perfect life but I don’t feel stuck anymore and that alone is such a relief. A HUGE weight lifted off me the minute I kicked him out.

    I feel scared that you will stop posting because maybe you aren’t ready to hear what we are saying. (I remember feeling like that for a very long time.) I hope you will stay and go on this journey with us. (((Gentle Hugs)))

    Shannon



  93.  #93Simple on September 3, 2009 at 10:02 am

    I so appreciate everyone. I cannot talk to anyone. I feel so weak, I feel like I have lost myself. and when he pays any attention to me I feel like I finally matter. I have to be careful to delete my computer history. I don’t know how often I can get on.. I really want to try, I just am not strong right now. I’m so confused I can’t even organize my own thoughts. I keep trying to concentrate on my kids but I want them to see me happy in a healthy relationship. I don’t know if its me. I was never this way with my ex. I just want to be wanted and genuinely loved. I don’t like all this drama, I have never been in a relationship where I feel like its a game and I am the pawn. but he keeps telling me its me.. is it possible to be almost 50 and never grow up? He has tantrums and shuts me out for days on end.. and I end up feeling like a begger.. I know I need to be strong. I KNOW it, but then I feel so weak when he pays me any attention. He tels me I’m not open and honest, I swear to you I am the most open and honest person, i can’t lie I know it would be seen all over me. lie about what anyway?? the names hurt me so bad. I start believing him that no man will want me. I just don’t want to be alone. I don’t really believe another would be different.. aren’t they all the same???? I love to go out with him, have a drink, walk the beach, have dinner, I am not lazy. I know how to have a good time. I’m not gross. I’m not boring. I’m up for anything- a movie out, or on the couch. I’m pretty easy going. I like simple. I have 2 friends that are so sick of hearing me and I’m sick of telling them. I don’t want to lose their friendship over him but I know they’re pulling away from me. He tells me every other week he wants nothing to do with me, doesn’t talk to me for days on end, then acts like nothing is wrong… its a cycle. Why does he have to be so complicated and dramatic?!? Why do I have to be so weak to him?



  94.  #94Simply Shannon on September 3, 2009 at 10:19 am

    Simple: Anything this man says is a reflection of how he feels about himself, not you. Literally imagine that you are holding a mirror in front of your face, and he is talking to his own image. His words are a reflection of him, not you.

    Regardless of your past, right now, today, you are choosing this. This is about you because this is the life you are choosing. I remember feeling weak for a very long time. Then one day something happened that tipped the scales (I found phone calls to other women) and that was it. That was enough. Looking back I feel ridiculous that I didn’t say “enough” earlier but that one thing did it for me.

    All men are NOT the same. There are really good ones out there who would love to treat you like a goddess. But the fact is, this one has a hold of you, and no other man can get to you until you release him. I know your fear. I’ve been there but I am choosing to move forward. You do not have to choose this anymore. You can literally choose today to do something different. Start small if that’s easier for you right now. You do not have to live this way. (((HUGS)))



  95.  #95Simple on September 3, 2009 at 4:34 pm

    OMG Aldonza, I did actually look up the definition of narcissistic personality. I thought it was just one loving themselves. I cannot even tell you how this describes him. He jokes he is God and everyone must be as good as he is. He actually says he has aposlettes at work (these women cook and bring in his lunch!!) He so needs to be admired and thinks he is entitled. He absolutely has NO EMPATHY. one day I did ask him if he even knew what it meant. I just don’t understand how someone cannot see or hear what they say and do and how their action or lack of and/or what they say how they hurt someone- I just have such a hard time understanding and I’m the one that keeps getting hurt. He wants people to be envious of us, he says things like they wish they were us- but its all show…no one should be envious of us at all. AT ALL.
    Thank you so much to everyone. I am reading your posts over and over. Everybody has been so nice to me. I feel like such a fool for keep letting him back in and I know I probably will again.. although my heart is fast drifting away. I am losing respect for him (and myself). I reached out for an objective opinion. I reached out knowing I have to do something. Its just a matter of when and how.



  96.  #96tinque on September 3, 2009 at 6:34 pm

    Oh Simple – Please don’t think badly of yourself or feel you are weak or whatever nasty thing you find yourself calling yourself. I can only speak for myself here, but I’ve been where you are. Very different kind of man, yet one from whom I should have run screaming within a year, and I did try to leave, three or four times, how many exactly I forget, but he would beg, plead, cry, so I would stay, again and again and again. It took thirteen years plus to get out. And it wasn’t even me who said enough is enough. It was he who asked for the divorce. My first words were, “It’s about time.”
    Was I weak? I don’t know. Scared sure. Little to no self-esteem? Yes. Did it take a long time to work through all of this? YES. Was there a man out there who could really love and love me, damage and all? A VERY LOUD YES!!!
    xxoo



  97.  #97la la land on September 4, 2009 at 12:30 am

    hi simple

    i think you might find this links interesting:

    http://loveaddicts.org/kindsofloveaddicts.html

    http://www.coda.org/tools4recovery/index.php
    try the ‘patterns of recovery’ document

    both are just let you know were you are
    but to do something about it i think the ‘modern siren’ program to listen to when you are driving is the best fastest solution…

    good luck



  98.  #98Flipper on September 4, 2009 at 2:06 pm

    My heart goes out to All of You, Each and every one, and All parts of each.



  99.  #99Angeline on September 4, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    Groan, this guy asked me out for an after work drink today, but he hasn’t called or texted me to tell me where we’re meeting. I’m not going to contact him. I don’t even like him that much so it’s frustrating that he’s apparently forgotten about making plans with me. I feel unwanted and angry. Now I’m just trying to avoid feeling dissapointed with men in general.

    I’m just trying to get this circular dating stuff happening… I guess it can probably take a little while for it to get off the ground?



  100.  #100Rori Raye on September 4, 2009 at 5:26 pm

    Angeline, You’re off the ground already!!! This experience — write it up, the way I have you do in Targeting Mr. Right. Write his name, what happened, how you felt, the Tools you used. So that NOTHING is WASTED!! Everything is Circular Dating. Every transaction, every no-show— all of it. Love, Rori



  101.  #101la la land on September 4, 2009 at 11:35 pm

    hi rori
    im drowning again
    i had this dream, we were sitting in the theater and he was saying he wants out, and i realized i couldn’t go through another cycle, i cant function in a constant test
    its like in order to be well and calm i have to totally accept the fact that he might leave.
    i know he has plenty of backup girlfriends ready and he prepared a way out for him, it was i who surprised him with my new tools, [ he even said so, “you totally surprised me, i never thought you could change after all this years”] but he already has his way out planned for him, and each move i do wrong pushes him there, its like his suitcase is already packed
    this feels like a nightmere,



  102.  #102Ginggi on September 5, 2009 at 6:42 am

    Dear rori,

    my men just asking me this question “can you live without me?” i feel sad rori..i think this question meaning he wants to leave me am i right?

    what to do please..?



  103.  #103Angeline on September 5, 2009 at 10:38 am

    Hi Rori,

    Thanks! I got it, it’s all part of the process, right? Anyways, he ended up texting and taking me out for a very nice night. It was really hard for me to lean back and let him pay, but he seemed happy to do it.

    ~ Angeline



  104.  #104la la land on September 5, 2009 at 1:20 pm

    this is like the eastern wall, right?

    anyway im baby stepping myself through the siren program, i feel better just by putting the cd and driving, i get it now that my falls are what Rory refers to as ‘cold turkey’, i am happy to the opportunity of having more work at the moment which get me driving, and thinking about other things, [using the opportunity to get a new dress :-} ] i guess this is like learning how to drive, the first few rounds at the neighborhood is so scary and then you can drive for hours without any effort, i also noticed my humor and my musical taste is changing, im looking for the positiveness everywhere now, things that use to be my things, dont work for me anymore, do you know it?



  105.  #105Daria on September 5, 2009 at 11:17 pm

    Wow la la land, i never thought of it like driving, at first scary then it’s just natural! wow that’s amazing11111



  106.  #106T.R. on September 6, 2009 at 12:02 am

    I am feeling confused about the non-commitment from my man and hoping to gain a little insight from you ladies. I have been dating him for several months and he has told me that he is in love with me. However, he is going through a hard time and really has not treated me like a girlfriend for months. I ended our relationship and told him that I want a true commitment. Now he still calls, and I feel both happy and hurt when I talk to him. If a man does not commit in a way that feels good to us, what is a good next step when you still want to have a relationship with him?



  107.  #107la la land on September 6, 2009 at 5:15 am

    last night i searched this blog and came across this article about man that resist sex to avoid conection
    then this guest coach said:
    ” I have often found that men who resist sex in a committed relationship have had a very overbearing or needy mother. The male child unconsciously views women as needy or smothering. The male deals with this by unconsciously creating distance so that he can still “feel his own skin” and not be taken over by the “dangerous” female. This is his projection. The female is not necessarily doing anything wrong.”

    this is hard for me, since this is the situation im dealing with for the last 15 years, this is what made me so insecure obsessive and jealous, would you say its useless to even try?
    i mean i got good response to the siren program including the sex part, but maybe no matter what, this problem will always be there…
    im invested over my head here with kids etc, how can i know if im doing the right thing?!

    in your book you say first we have to comet, how come this question is still relevant for me after all this years?

    he is returning home today and i intend to be leaning back and receiving, but i feel angry, why do i have to cope with his childhood trauma?



  108.  #108Carolina on September 6, 2009 at 6:02 am

    Hi Rori!
    I met this really good looking guy at a London bar. I was with a gal friend and he was with a male friend who was with a girl. I used the tools, smiled, leaned back, became an invitation and within minutes he was talking to me and couldn’t get his eyes out of me. But… He suddenly excused himself and disappeared without asking for my number or anything. His friend then joined my friend and I (the girl had left) and the three of us chatted for a while. He said he’s going to South America and we exchanged our contact details to add each other on facebook. When my good looking guy came back my friend and I where leaving so we politely said good night and left.
    Today I got this message in facebook from good looking guy:

    “Subject:
    Out of the blue…

    …but not the crystal blue that caresses the Buenos Aires sky.

    I took your details from XXX because I wanted to explain about how things went (wrong) on Friday night. I disappeared quite abruptly, which I know must have seemed rude – because my ex-girlfriend and her friends had arrived very unexpectedly at the bar. Without going into the details, she was quite distraught that I had ended it with her and when I saw the shock in her face to find me in BBB I thought it was better to go outside with her to avoid a (dramatic Italian) scene in the club. It was not an easy situation to take control of, and I understand it may have seemed suspicious.

    I enjoyed talking to you and hope that I did not make such a negative first impression that you won’t consider meeting for another drink one day soon. When I cut out we were talking about moving to new cities, and I was about to say that I knew the “hard, first steps” well since I have moved many times: Athens, Montreal, Miami, Amsterdam and now London. In the very least, I would be happy to introduce you to other international friends – quite a few of which are also young professional women from Latin American (no Porteno societies please!).

    Be well, and hope to talk soon.
    XXX
    (his cell number)”

    I don’t like he telling me that he dumped his ex, that she is upset, that she is capable of doing a drama, I find that not exactly mature and of a gentleman.

    One of the things I think we women fail at is at spotting players, immature and narcissistic men early on. Then we wonder why we end up crying and suffering. Is this one of those guys or he just made a wrong choice of words?

    If I give it a chance, how can I answer this with feeling messages??

    Caro in London :o)



  109.  #109Uschi on September 6, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    we have been together for a bit more than 8 years and last month on Aug. 20th was the 8th anniversary of him asking me to marry him. We have been living together since then. Now we are having major problems. About 6 years ago we had a big fight and things started turning cold. We were basically fighting about my stuff and that I had too much etc. He wanted me to get rid of it and I told him that I couldn’t cause I needed it and some of it had memories attached to it. After having been married twice before once to a guy who was in Vietnam and a bit nuts the second an alcoholic I didn’t want, what I earned so hard or collected, to lose it again. I don’t remember how I said it but he took it as if the stuff was worth more to me then him. He never told me how it made him feel or how he took it until recently. We used to go to the boat a lot and he got very heavily involved with a volunteer dive and research group and he is the driving force behind it. I had a job ( I am a Florist ) that took me away from going to the boats on weekends having to work Saturdays. Well after that I only went to the boat with him occasionally, the past year or so not at all. There is a woman that he let stay on the boat cause it is the only way she can for now keep her job, she also is involved with this research thing. Recently we have had more fights, he wanted to shut down his job here and permanently move to the boat. He has a great Job editing a yearly book we live in the house of the publisher above the office that’s in the basement.
    I asked him in the last argument if there is another woman and he said yes. She is the one living on his boat, about the age of his daughter and they got the diving interest together. Somewhere in the conversation he said ‘she is a lot of fun to be with’ and then he paused and said ‘for now’
    Since that first fight we have had no intimacy and I didn’t know the reason for that until he told me that what I said in the first fight washed like ice water over him and he lost the feelings for me. Being a Capricorn I understand that he is all about doing and not saying I also know that they can just shut down and turn inward. He keeps his feelings close to his heart. How can I bring back that relationship and connect to what we had and know we could have again cause I don’t believe that inside he is totally cold to me. He is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. Even now he was considering helping me with my storage (inheritance furniture etc from Germany) so I wont lose the stuff, but he then said he cant do it and wont. When I asked him to work with me on the relationship he doesn’t tell me no he just says he doesn’t think it is possible for him to get back what we had. He said he is too pissed, doesn’t have hope, doesn’t see it happening for him, doesn’t see it in the future and doesn’t believe it an be turned around. I don’t believe this woman is anything serious it is more or less a sexual release because we haven’t done that in so long. However I do believe that this woman is in part for his recent behavior. I had an intuition about her when I met her a while back and the same intuition tells me that this is not going to last.
    So what can I do to get this relationship back on track. I don’t want to do the wrong things or scare him away even more. His major gripe is that he feels obligated to me, that he wants me to be independent and on my own financially. He said that right now he feels pissed off at the situation and that he feels like he is reentering the real world coming home from the boat. He said he feels used and taken advantage of and that because I don’t have a job right now and before only had a part time job. Though for the most part I have been paying my own bills.
    I do have several hobbies, photography, knitting on my knitting machine (I have lots of cones of wool) and I do like to play some games on the PC for relaxation. My hobby-things do take up some space and I have been making an attempt to organize things better, after all he is really mostly complaining about all my stuff. His hobby is diving and research into old shipwrecks here on the bay (MD Chesapeake bay) and up and down the east coast. He or rather this volunteer group even got a grant from MD to do such work. He has a lot of friends who do the work with him and also belong to this group. He is shutting me out from that too.
    I do not have the financial resources right now either to move out and be on my own or even buy your book and being without a job I feel it would give me the time with him that I need to get things back on even keel. Since he is working downstairs I have to kind of leave him alone during work hours, but just today he said he doesn’t even like coming upstairs and spending time with me. I also feel if we make it through this then we will have a stronger relationship that we have had before.
    However I need some help and some advice on how to do it very soon. I had actually considered to go to this other woman and tell her to back off but feel that would just drive him away further and I don’t want to resort to other stupid things that for sure would tear us apart. Please don’t tell me to buy your book because right now I am really not in a position to purchase that.
    Please help.
    Ursula



  110.  #110Rori Raye on September 6, 2009 at 6:49 pm

    Ursula, Welcome — you sound to me like a very, very interesting woman…
    1. Find a way to make money doing what you love …NOW. Forget about this relationship entirely – put him out of your mind and focus entirely on making money, becoming financially solid…
    2. Start Circular Dating (you’ll find out more how to do this here…) start with FLIRTING…and let him know you love him, you’d love to keep seeing him, and that if he’s not feeling what will give you what you need in a relationship, you’ll be keeping your options open. You can’t say this until you’ve been working at it a bit and feel comfortable around new men.
    Love, Rori



  111.  #111Uschi on September 6, 2009 at 7:41 pm

    Hi Rori and thanks for responding so fast. I read your post about Rescuing A Marriage Right At The Edge Of Disaster – well this is basically my situation because all of a sudden he said – I am going to shut everything down in the fall meaning his job ( as mentioned before we live in the house of a publisher of a social book) and move out to the boat. Except I wasn’t as smart as this woman and did what you called leaning forward. He blew me away with this comment and I was hurting and trying to argue of keeping the relationship alive. I cant take this back I can only go from here. I don’t at the same time want to put him out of my mind but do things that will get us back together, because the more I think about this and after reading the story I mentioned above it seems to me I should have said the same thing “I dont buy it” I am not sure about the circular dating because to be quite honest I am not interested in any other men or even letting them approach me in any way, It feels too much like cheating to me and two wrongs never make it right. I’ve been trying to get a job, however nothing is out there right now and trying to get my own started is very difficult also in this current state of the economy. So I am working on the house to at least take care of some of the complaints he has to remove them so to speak but without all the things we had it’s like I missing the energy to do it. So each day I try to do a little bit as I can deal with it. It also seems like I am cleaning up not only the mess in the house but also the mess in my life. I am hoping that when I am done the stage is set for something new with him, kind of a new start. He hasn’t left yet and is not shutting anything down just now so that gives me the time to learn more about your way of doing things and the time to get it all worked out. Putting him out of my mind really is not an option because when it comes down to it he is worth it and I love him. I know that when he comes around I will have the man that I want and need because I had it before and just didn’t know it. I let things get away from me settling in and not doing anything to work on the relationship cause I didn’t know how so I let days weeks month and years go by not doing anything when I felt deep inside that something was missing. It was me doing the wrong things pushing nagging or not doing anything at all to make things better or communicate or let him come to me or opening up to him so he could come.
    Simply stated I love him and now I feel I have at least some tools I can work with.
    Thanks
    U



  112.  #112Maria on September 6, 2009 at 9:48 pm

    Girls and boys,

    update of the circualr dating results so far.

    Tell me if this sound right:
    He does not say much, nor does he bring flowers, but l feel very much at ease around him. He is stabile in everything he does. He knows all my bad qualities (lm lazy sometimes) and in a way l feel like anything l do or might do is ok with him and not cos he tries to please me, but he is just very grown up and he does not take it as big deal. l feel like l can rely on him. When l ask help l can be sure that l will receive it. Bottom line – a man does what he says. p,s. he has said he loves me.

    And then tell me if this sounds right:

    lve been thinking about him since 2006. He brings butterflies to my stomack. He turns me on. However, l feel tiny and little around him. He says very nice things to me. Like – lm the most sexiest woman he has ever come across to (check), lm love of his life (check), he cant be without me (check).
    And the funny thing is – l dont feel none of those things. When l tell him that, he gets angry. he also says l dont pay much attention to him, which is not true, yet he is very selfish in some ways. (liek there are 2 people loving him on that relationship) Plus, l cant count on what he says. Most probably he changes it in next minute.
    lm under some kind of spell – like whenever lm with him, l loose my power. l dont like it.

    Now you may think the first one is right and second is wrong. However l think those 2 are 2 opposites. l miss the butterflies on 1 st one, and reliabilty in 2nd one. Should l go for nr.1 and be without passion, or should l learn some tasks to pin down nr 2, who has captured all my mind and soul? p.s. he has also said he loves me.

    Maria



  113.  #113Rori Raye on September 7, 2009 at 10:15 am

    Maria, Circular Dating does NOT mean 2 men. 2 men are very difficult because you’re always bouncing between. Date as many men as you can, and it will all get clear to you. You’re looking for the experience with a man that’s “just right…” Love, Rori



  114.  #114Daria on September 7, 2009 at 6:04 pm

    Uschi – I feel concerned and hear your resistance to Rori’s advice. The way to keep the man you love is to focus on yourself, and also, if he is not treating you the way you want (he is not) then you must circular date. Refusing to do this and focusing on him and how to please him will only push him away.



  115.  #115Uschi on September 8, 2009 at 5:53 am

    Daria,
    trust me I am not resisting, just trying to wrap my mind around this totally brand new concept and quite honesty it does not yet feel comfortable. I wish I could afford the book but I just cant at this time. So I am reading this blog, trying to pick up some of what is needed for me to do.
    The fact is that we are still living together and he is supporting me. I have been trying to get a job but have not been able to get one yet. I believe he wouldn’t still be here if he was a nasty person or I didn’t mean anything to him, even though he is saying that I am a drain on him and is finances. But he does go to the boat on weekends and has this young woman out there the age of his oldest daughter. He made this remark about her “She is a lot of fun to be with” and then he paused and then said “for now”
    So, in effect we still live together, he is still supporting me, but he is distant, very distant. Yet we talk and take care of every day stuff.
    He works downstairs and also takes care of things concerning his volunteer group from there and what really totally blows me away is that when something is going on, concerning his volunteer group, he comes upstairs and shares that with me, tells me about it and I can feel how proud he is of the things he is accomplishing with that. I think that this is actually a positive thing that he is doing that and it makes me think not everything is lost. However, he doesn’t want me there on the boat to be part of this group though he has expressed that he wants someone to share all this with him. (and she does that and is part of this group) And I have seen this group, felt the camaraderie that exists between then and I want to be a part of that.
    So when he comes upstairs and tells me about what is going on, I am open to him, listen to him give him positive feedback and then he walks away again.
    Writing this and thinking about it makes me feel like as if he is asking for something of me and somehow I don’t get it.
    So combining this with what he said, he doesn’t feel sexually attracted to me anymore, he doesn’t love me anymore etc., I have to much stuff and too much clutter, that I hang on to things that don’t mean anything (even though this stuff is in part for a business I am hoping to start) and that I am draining him it confuses me because to me those are mixed messages. On one hand he shares with me and on the other he tells me that what I do doesn’t fit in with what he does. So is he wishing in one hand and shitting in the other?

    Then I go searching on the net for some help out there and come across this blog and website. I am sticking with it because I feel there is something there that makes a lot of sense and the other stuff out there is just pulling money out of your pocket by buying their books etc. that when I read their site is just a bogus way of advertising.
    However implementing Rori’s advise, is a totally new concept to me and strange, unfamiliar and new yet it makes sense and she is the only one out there with a blog like this. And though it makes sense it is difficult for me to wrap my mind around it and abandon my old way of thinking, doing and acting.
    I read this in the evening when I shut myself in my room, give him space and let him be, do my own thing try to learn about this and then I tell myself “I will start to implement some of this tomorrow, just one thing and then the next day another and so on” but the next day comes and here is this old rut that I am in and I want to step out and just don’t quite have the guts to do it but I am getting closer. However, I feel something is braking lose, hanging there on the edge ready to brake. I am just not quite ready or able yet to let it brake because I have not found that one thing, word, sentence or whatever to reach for and say this is it to reach for.

    There was a post on one of your pages and I quote below in ( ) that is so true that spoke so much from my heart that it made me cry and I am crying a lot lately.

    ( “A good man’s tenderness coming at you – so you can experience it in your body in the form of loving physical affection – when that happens, it can create goodwill that can last days, and it makes all the minor disappointments fade. Imagine if it could just keep building – so that there’s so much goodwill and loving “capital” between you – that’s how a REAL fire gets and stays going forever.”

    I KNOW that’s true. That was what I had with my husband when we were dating. It was magical and wonderful and it did expand us. You could FEEL the good will between us, and everything we had to do was just joyful working together, no drama, no fights, no nothing.

    It really was absolutely amazing. And now I feel so sad thinking that the fire has gone out for good, like I’ll never even SEE it again much less experience it. And I love my sadness and I love the fact that I DID experience that wonderful kind of chemistry for some time in my life…and I so want to experience it FOREVER. That would feel like me being warm and expansive and joyful, like I don’t have to keep secrets or hide behind a wall anymore, like I can Just Be when I’m with him, and like I can say ANYTHING–even the hard things–and it’ll be heard. And I want to feel a loving physical connection with a good man again. That is what I want to see happen in my marriage and in my love life. And a voice in my head is telling me I can’t have that, that romance only ever declines and can never be rekindled once it’s gone, that once a man has SEEN me for who I am the mystery is gone and he’ll never be interested again. And I love that Voice but I don’t want to listen to it, I want to believe that I’ve still got plenty of mystery in me and that I have the essence of divine, healing femininity within me…that I can HEAL my relationship and myself and my man, just by being me. And that would feel warm, joyful, and blissful throughout my entire body…and now I’m going to go dance so I can get that feeling going.)

    This spoke so much from my heart and is so real and so true and so what I feel, and I am almost ready to change a few words into us, you, etc and write it to him as a letter.

    I need some help, how do I start and get out of the rut to brake off what needs to brake that I feel so close to braking and reach for that other that I don’t quite see yet.

    There is no Notify me of follow up comments via e-mail will there be a follow up to this. I really need some answers and some help



  116.  #116la la land on September 8, 2009 at 6:33 am

    i had some fantastic results… i delivered my first feeling massage that actually worked
    first it felt spooky, beacuse it was just as rory described: he did that, i gor treegered, i went outside, i felt being sad,
    then he came he said: are you crying,
    i said, its just feels sad to me this situation,
    then he said, yes, i understand, i should probably do this and that,
    i was shocked, than i said i feel so happy,
    then he said, well its easy for me, you stopped attacking me, then we went off into the sunset holding hands…

    it felt like the moment in wizard of oz when the black and white film became colors, and then i had the sound of the casino machines when all the money falls like rain, what can i say, i don’t remember such meaningful life changing learning since my driving, i think Rory should get a noble prize for her work…



  117.  #117Daria on September 8, 2009 at 2:54 pm

    Hi Uschi –

    post on the newest front page post (even if it’s a different topic) and we will help you through.

    Awesome job turning to the good feelings toward the end of your post… and especially imagining what thtat would be like (that was a trouble spot for me).

    We all practice this in babysteps, just implement a little thing.

    Do not write him a letter using we/or YOU. That is something we totally avoid.

    If you would like to write such a letter, Rori calls it “Power Speech” write what you feel, then take every statement and turn it into an “I feel…” or an “I don’t want…” keep the word YOU out of it as it makes it hard for the otehr person to hear your feelings. The letter might wind up being short, which is good… also stick in a couple of “What do you think?” in there asking him what he THINKS not feels involves him in the process… (ok to use you in that statement)…



  118.  #118Daria on September 8, 2009 at 2:55 pm

    La la land that rocks!



  119.  #119Uschi on September 8, 2009 at 3:22 pm

    Daria,
    well, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and came to the conclusion that a lot has to do with respect. He didn’t respect some of me so in turn I didn’t respect some or most of him and it seems to a man respect is a lot and that a man when being respected is also being loved. But if one feels kind of down on themselves then they are missing respect for themselves and that is how I understand the loving yourself thing.
    If we did not respect each other then we were mirroring each other and that lead to the brake down.
    That leads me to understand and think that if I make that start and work on the things that I need to work on and are a huge complaint in his eyes, then I also work on myself and in fact giving him what he needs and what I need.
    With that power speech I will need some help and suggestion, because I know that what I took from that other post is just a bit mushy for him LOL but it worked wonders for me, he is just all logic and feelings to him just get in the way of things that need to be done or so he keeps saying. His things is don’t tell me what you are going to do just do it. With this I guess he is waiting to see what is really being done and it not all be words and empty promises.
    Help please with that power speech.
    Sending a big THANK YOU too
    Uschi



  120.  #120Daria on September 8, 2009 at 7:40 pm

    Hi Uschi- yes men are genearally pretty logical and straightforward… that’s how we want them to be… that is masculine energy

    it’s up to us to be soft, feminine and “mushy” and share our feeling messages with him in a way he can hear (regardless of what he says, or “expects” from us)

    check out the Speeches for Communicating With a Man category on the right hand column
    ======>

    if I were in this situation, I would most certainly be giving him the “no boyfriend speech” meaning he can’t have me all to himself while he’s figuring out what he wants, and yet it’s not “breaking up” with him..

    please work on YOURSELF and WHAT YOU WANT not the things he says he wants you to change… trying to change yourself to please him will not work…



  121.  #121Chrissy on September 8, 2009 at 8:28 pm

    Hi Rori
    My man and I have been together just over 2 years and have been exclusive throughout that time. He is 35, I am 37. I have been married before and have 2 children. He has never been married or even lived with a romantic partner. In fact I am the most serious relationship he has ever had.
    I discovered your books and tools about a year ago and they have been hugely helpful but I still struggle and I have a couple of questions please.
    I have always found it incredibly difficult to be vulnerable (very much rooted in my childhood) but when I allow myself to be “weak” (my old perception of vulnerable) he really responds and I can tell it brings him closer. My “strength” (or at least my idea of strength) seems to anger him. Could I be coming across as masculine when I think I am being strong?
    He has asked me to move in with him at the end of next month. (He owns his house whereas I rent). Before we move in, some repairs and re-organisation needs to be done to his house and his life. He seems at times to be incredibly stressed by this process (which I mistakenly? interpret as his commitment / love wavering) and I have tried to make it easier by helping him with the building and sorting out of his spare rooms etc. But the more I help, the more stressed he seems to become. I am now feeling scared that he will pull the pin on us moving in but I am wondering if my efforts to help are actually the exact opposite of what I should be doing? Is this stopping him from being masculine? But if I stop, wont he interpret it as me not caring about how much needs to be done and think of me as lazy?
    I hope you can help Rori.
    Chrissy xx



  122.  #122Uschi on September 9, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    Daria,
    you are right I should not do those things for him, however I need to do them for me too. I have always been a pack-rat and very disorganized and I need to correct that for myself. It is just that he had asked me to do that too so it’s kind of like hitting 2 flies with one fly-swatter. (that’s a German expression btw). I feel that if I get organized with my stuff that I can be more organized in my life too. After all we still do live together and whatever I can do to make both of us more comfortable I feel will benefit me, him and the relationship.



  123.  #123Rori Raye on September 9, 2009 at 2:00 pm

    Chrissy – welcome, and how bout this. Let HIM make the plans, do what needs doing, and if he ASKS you to do something, you do it. You can also say this: “Is there anything you’d like me to do to help? And then let him assign you tasks. Yes, helping unasked is masculine. It’s overfunctioning. Carrying out tasks as delegated by him is feminine, even if it requires real thinking on your part to get it accomplished. Just check in with him before you do anything that would initiate action. It’s his house, his plan, his inviation to you. Let him be totally in charge. You just be an appreciative, warm, soft, receiving, thanking him girl. Love, Rori



  124.  #124SmileyK on September 10, 2009 at 1:05 am

    Hi Rori
    I don’t really know how to deal with my situation & what to say to my boyfriend so hear goes. At the beginning of our relationship we both worked fly in/fly out job on the same minesite (that is how we met) so got to see each other regularly. We began to spend less time with each other as he ended up working elsewhere. The yr after we got together, I took him on an overseas holiday, when we got back we both worked in town, not fly in fly out however I went back out on the mines 6 months later & he stayed working in town but I was home regularly. He asked me to move into his place in June last year (known as the bachelor pad) and a month later he starting working away again and his roster has gone from 3 to 4 to 5 to 6 to now 8 weeks away. He took a job working for his brother in another state (where all his family is) in april this year and it was only meant to be for a month but has now turned into 5 months and I have only seen him for 3 weeks during this time. I was made redundant at the end of October last yr & have been working back in town full-time and practically living by myself in his house (which is now ours but doesn’t feel like its ours cos he’s hardly ever there). It’s been hard trying to make the adjustment back to “normal” life again and I have been feeling so abandoned, lonely, sad, angry & upset. My dad was diagnosed with a cancerous tumour earlier this year and had to go thru chemo & radiotherapy and this was a huge thing for me to deal with and I was so upset during this time (my bf was working away so didn’t have love & support face to face). I am usually such a happy person but I haven’t been for the past year and all I feel like is that I’m a housekeeper & billpayer. I miss him so much & would like him to be back in my life all the time so that I can share my life with someone. I understand he has a responsibility to finish this job for his brother but he has a responsibility to our relationship too. His friends say that I am best thing that has happened to him, but why don’t I feel like that? I had a very uncomfortable conversation with him last Sunday night as I have been asking him when he will be coming back so that I have something to look forward to & he got all angry with me & asked me to stop nagging him, I just bottled up and didn’t have anything else to say and have since “leaned back” and made no contact with him & nor have I received any contact from him. I have been saying all the wrong things (have had a read of our blogs & listened to your cd’s) and I think I have pushed him further away without realising it. I have been able to have some space & think about what I want & focus on myself and I realise that I want him, it feels so empty without him. He has a heart of gold and we get along well when we are together but the time apart is absolutely killing me. I feel so disconnected from him right now. We have been together for 3 ½ years. I hope you can help me with the things I need to say to reconnect our relationship. Kylie xo



  125.  #125Rori Raye on September 10, 2009 at 11:26 am

    SmilyK, Welcome, and you are in a difficult situation. 3 1/2 years without marriage, and a serious discussion about how you’re going to manage all this traveling. It’s hard to now just open up the discussion, but you have to. You CANNOT be EXCLUSIVE with a man who you are not married to, and who is away from you and not giving you what you need. Do NOT let that happen to you! Circular Dating – even WITHOUT the “dating” will help you tremendously to get your balance back. Love, Rori Stay leaned back…



  126.  #126Angeline on September 10, 2009 at 4:59 pm

    Hi,

    Well it looks like I’ve achieved “too many men” in my circular dating. I feel like a diva and all, but also really, really exhausted and a little confused. (For example, yesterday I got two of their texts mixed up, no harm done, no one noticed except me.) I guess I’m overwhelmed, especially since the person I do have a crush on doesn’t seem interested and I’m working hard to distract myself from that.

    Any advice on how to make this all a little more… relaxing? I’m thinking I might implement a “no texting” rule.

    ~ Angeline



  127.  #127Daria on September 10, 2009 at 7:53 pm

    Angeline — Rori told me when I first started Circular Dating to make sure I REST. Whatever that would mean to me.



  128.  #128la la land on September 11, 2009 at 1:35 am

    hi rory,
    my man doesn’t respond well when i get ill, i don’t get ill that often, but i do have this tendency towards weakness and nearly fainting when i get overwhelmed or overworked,[just hosted two big events at our home day after day, over-functioning, right?]
    anyway, yesterday i got weak and he had no passionate, at first i said i feel attacked, and surprised [i do] by this attitude then i got swept by being very angry and drama queen, then he apologized but i was too right to be nice, and so it went on.
    i think i was very clear that this attitude is not acceptable for me, [making my borders] i said weak is part of being strong, and i truly believe that,

    maybe i just dont take good care of myself and that is scary for him?

    i know i could have handled all this differently

    please, what do you think?



  129.  #129Uschi on September 11, 2009 at 6:58 am

    Hi Rori,
    last night he fell asleep like so many times with the book in his hands and the glasses on his nose and the light on. And like so many times I rescued the glasses and his books from being rolled over on by him in his sleep and I turned the light off. But I took a moment and allowed myself to feel. Looking at him the way he was sleeping there made me remember the things we used to do. He used to kiss me awake or took my glasses off when I fell asleep with them on reading a book. Sometimes when he did that I was still half awake or just on the edge of sleep and I would feel him do this and then kiss me and put the blanket over me. It felt so good, I felt so loved when he did that. Last night when I stood there looking at him I felt so sad, so hurt that all those nice things we did for each other are not being done anymore at least not now and I want that back. It also reminded me of the first kiss he ever gave me on our first trip out on the boat. I had gone below cause I got a bit of seasickness but didn’t want to let anyone know (it was a dive trip looking for a wreck they had found scanning) so I went to sleep for a little while because I knew when I wake up my body would be used to the motion of the boat and I would be fine. He came below maybe an hour later and just kissed me. I was still half asleep and didn’t let on that I noticed and I enjoyed the feeling that it gave me.
    This morning he came upstairs and said: “We will be getting one or two pallet loads of books and your daughter (she is going into the army reserve waiting to be shipped out having had a bad marriage, her husband left her sitting with 4 children cause he’d rather do drugs, she is staying with us now and her stuff is in the garage) will have to move her stuff or compact it.”
    First of all using the word “we” kind of blew me away, second before he said at one time before that “he” was not going to be free storage for her cause she didn’t carry her weight around here (she really didn’t, even though she said she would help me sort my stuff and help me get organized cause that seems to be the biggest issue with him) and she would have to move her stuff.
    I told him that we will take care of the garage and he kind of turned and said: “You saying this worries me cause you have said things like that before and not done it”
    Well, I took some time and thought this over for a moment and then I went to him and said:
    “I feel it is my daughters responsibility to take care of that, it is her stuff and I would feel better if he would tell her also. What do you think?” Right out of Rori’s book (I think)
    he turned and told me that I brought her here and therefore it is my responsibility as well as hers, and if we don’t do it because he really needs the space he would have to do it but she probably wouldn’t like the way he does it. Then he turned and said he needed to do his work and I just said OK cause even though I feel she is a grown up and has to take some responsibility for her stuff and herself however he was also right that it needs to get done and I did bring her here. I didn’t want to argue and just let it sit. I feel I got my feelings message across and hopefully approached it in the right way. Any comments on this?
    Ursula



  130.  #130Rori Raye on September 11, 2009 at 11:59 am

    Ursula – your job now is to take care of the garage. There can be no discussion with your man until you get this done. Love, Rori



  131.  #131Rori Raye on September 11, 2009 at 12:00 pm

    la la, DO you take good care of yourself? Surely, physical “weakness” and near fainting is not a good thing. And if you’re getting overwhelmed or overworked — that’s the place to start changing things…right there. Yes, he’s worried that you don’t take care of yourself and it will fall to him. That’s why he’s not compassionate. Love, Rori



  132.  #132Daria on September 11, 2009 at 12:40 pm

    Whoa Rori – I feel shocked and sooooo curious of your response to Ursula. I feel frozen in my tracks…

    Do we do what the man asks us to do?

    Because we agreed with it? or…. because he is being the masculine energy decider?

    What about a man who asks me to do something I don’t want to do?
    (I usually say I don’t want to do that. And don’t do it.)

    Please clarify on this … thank you.



  133.  #133la la land on September 11, 2009 at 1:40 pm

    thank you rori
    no i guess i never took good care as i should
    i was kind of pretty with no effort but then i grew old and natural became neglect maybe
    but i started dentist today, so its an important babystep for me,
    my other major issue here is the exclusivity subject
    it kills me, i know now its my problem and not his, i know its a self esteem issue, but can i ask him? can i say are we exclusive?



  134.  #134la la land on September 11, 2009 at 2:49 pm

    +
    yes, i guess my health and beauty issues are kind of the same , i was a natural healthy person but with age and many relationship mistake i enter stress and illness into our life, i was seriously ill twice last year, and me being here is part of my healing process i guess.

    if i am the first domino, are all his backup girlfriend are my insecurities in person, did i created him as an unfaithful husband with my fears and obsession?

    before the last boom, we had a small exclusivity talk in wich he said, he cant see himself as being just with me till he dies, then i realized i had lost his commitment and he has lost his interest in me.

    since then allot was done and repair, through reconnect and siren and the book and here, and we had some amazing days, the question is, will the other shoe drop? will this girls will go away with time? how can he feel safe and happy to be just with me? do grownups compromise here? do i need to accept that exclusivity is not that important?

    i learned i need to trust myself and not him, but how does that look like? what are my boundaries like on this issue? i have no idea.

    rori?



  135.  #135Uschi on September 11, 2009 at 2:51 pm

    la la land – I feel that because I told him it would get done it is now my responisbility to do it and I have already told my daughter so too or she can collect her stuff on the street – the fact is that I said to him that it would be done was before I thought and felt that it is actually my daughters responsibility ( a little delayed reaction here) – when I went to him afterward I just wanted to let him know how I felt about him asking me instead of her. If I/we did not do what I said I/we will do then I would be disrespecting not only our relationship but also him and me and that would be disrespect on 3 levels.
    I love this man and we both made a lot of mistakes in the past and I didnt know about Rori, her blog or her book. I am still trying to wrap my mind around some of the things she is saying like with the leaning back and such. All I know is that after reading her book (and I have to reread it) and also after reading old letters from my Mom (going through my stuff sorting it out) I found out that I did not have the right upbringing to even beginn to be successful in a relationship. First of all I was a child out of wedlock (my mother felt she was too good for the man even though he never paid childsupport and there were some other issues) my mother allways took the highroad and hated men. She actually said once that marriage is just legalized prostitution. Those memories did not come to me till after I just downloaded Rori’s ebook and read it real quick (I will reread it over and over again) – no wonder I was having problems with relationships. I think things could have worked out with my first husband had I known back then about Rori, however thinking about it now he wasnt and still isnt worth it. My 2nd husband was an alcoholic and though he is a good man no matter what I would have done from Rori’s book he would and still has not stopped drinking.
    This man however is worth it for me to make every effort to get this relationship back on track. Though the circular dating stille makes me feel uncomfortable almost like I would be cheating. So I have 2 things to do, get myself taken care of and get the house organized and hopefully our relationship will follow. Thats a lot on my plate right now, a lot to relearn or learn new and I gotta take big steps, baby steps arent gonna be good enough.



  136.  #136la la land on September 11, 2009 at 9:31 pm

    uschi dear
    im happy to meet another old shoe like me here on the blog, just to remind you what rori says [and she is apparently always right]: small steps make big difference!



  137.  #137Uschi on September 12, 2009 at 9:52 am

    actually the comment above and also repeated below was meant for Daria not la la land
    LOL guess I had a blond moment here

    Uschi says:

    la la land – I feel that because I told him it would get done it is now my responisbility to do it and I have already told my daughter so too or she can collect her stuff on the street – the fact is that I said to him that it would be done was before I thought and felt that it is actually my daughters responsibility ( a little delayed reaction here) – when I went to him afterward I just wanted to let him know how I felt about him asking me instead of her. If I/we did not do what I said I/we will do then I would be disrespecting not only our relationship but also him and me and that would be disrespect on 3 levels.
    I love this man and we both made a lot of mistakes in the past and I didnt know about Rori, her blog or her book. I am still trying to wrap my mind around some of the things she is saying like with the leaning back and such. All I know is that after reading her book (and I have to reread it) and also after reading old letters from my Mom (going through my stuff sorting it out) I found out that I did not have the right upbringing to even beginn to be successful in a relationship. First of all I was a child out of wedlock (my mother felt she was too good for the man even though he never paid childsupport and there were some other issues) my mother allways took the highroad and hated men. She actually said once that marriage is just legalized prostitution. Those memories did not come to me till after I just downloaded Rori’s ebook and read it real quick (I will reread it over and over again) – no wonder I was having problems with relationships. I think things could have worked out with my first husband had I known back then about Rori, however thinking about it now he wasnt and still isnt worth it. My 2nd husband was an alcoholic and though he is a good man no matter what I would have done from Rori’s book he would and still has not stopped drinking.
    This man however is worth it for me to make every effort to get this relationship back on track. Though the circular dating stille makes me feel uncomfortable almost like I would be cheating. So I have 2 things to do, get myself taken care of and get the house organized and hopefully our relationship will follow. Thats a lot on my plate right now, a lot to relearn or learn new and I gotta take big steps, baby steps arent gonna be good enough.



  138.  #138Uschi on September 12, 2009 at 10:25 am

    Last night something strange happened. Earlier in the day as told above we had the discussion about the garage and that it needs doing. I was also working yesterday for my friend, who has a flower shop, doing flowers for a wedding that is taking place today. We were not able to finish everything because her 9 year old son had back to school night so she said we either finish when she is done with that or I come in early in the morning (today) and help finish up putting the final touches on the bouquets and doing the corsages and lapel flowers for the men.
    As always he was ready to go to the boat and I had called him from work letting him know to wait a bit before taking off cause the beltway was a mess again with rain and accidents and all that. Boat is about an hour and half from here.
    So he was still here when I got home. I let him know what was up with the work. At a later time when he was getting ready to leave he asked me: “What are your plans for the weekend?” I told him again about the deal with my friend and that possibly I am going to be there early in the morning if we don’t finish it up that night.
    Well, I was really surprised that he asked me for my plans for the weekend cause he hasn’t done that in a very long time. I had the destinkt feeling that he was going to ask me to come to the boat with him, though I could be wrong. When he heard that I already had plans even though they were not definite or 100% he said OK and then “Well I am outta here see you Monday morning” When I asked him why he was wondering about my weekend he just said that he was wondering about it. Now I feel like I shouldn’t have said anything about my plans but let him know that I was free cause I really want to know why he asked and if my gut feeling is right about him wanting to ask me to come to the boat. I guess I screwed this up big time.



  139.  #139Angeline on September 12, 2009 at 2:58 pm

    Hi Uschi,

    Maybe I’m misunderstanding this, but my take is that you DID have plans. You weren’t going to drop your commitment to your friend for him, were you? I dunno. I would just let him think about it for a bit. If he wants to make plans with you he can ask you earlier in the week. And if he has something to tell you he can arrange to do that at a good time for you.

    ~ Angeline



  140.  #140Uschi on September 12, 2009 at 5:16 pm

    Hi Angeline,
    no I was not going to drop my commitment to my friend at all – what I am curious about it why he all of a sudden asked what plans I had for the weekend and it may be wishful thinking but I was under the impression that he was gonna ask if I wanted to come to the boat with him. I am curious of why he asked me and curiosity kills the cat right. I wish I could find out what was on his mind when he was asking that. There seems to be a bit of a shift in him or in us and maybe me because I have started with some of Rori’s things from the book, though not totally have wrapped my mind around it and only got 2 or 3 feelings messages in – not sure how to describe that. Maybe if you read my other posts, if you haven’t already, you find out whats going on. Is he noticing in his subconscious a change and responding a bit or whats going on. Can’t believe that there could be a change however small after just a few days of reading this blog or Rori’s e-book.



  141.  #141emma on September 13, 2009 at 2:02 am

    Hi Rori, I made the mistake of being emotionally exclusive with a man who had actually out and out told me that he didn’t know if he wanted a committed relationship. I wrote him a letter explaining how I felt and that I wanted to expand my group of friends and see new people. He’s currently on holiday for 2 weeks and in this time I have re-joined the internet dating site where I met him and have started chatting with 3 guys, 2 of which have asked to meet me. I am scared of telling him that I’m meeting other people as I think he’ll be angry. Because of this, I don’t know if my heart is really in circular dating or if it’s the right thing for me. I value your opinion Rori, and those of everyone on this wonderful website. How should I tell him?



  142.  #142Lynn on September 13, 2009 at 4:56 am

    I am wanting a relationship with someone who has told me he is not ready for a relationship. I am confused on knowing how to deal with this. Briefly this is our story. I went to school with him, he was in a class ahead of mine. But we were not close. Years later we ran into each other only to find out that my boyfriend and his wife was ex-lovers. The next year the unexpected happened and my boyfriend and his wife had an affair. Needless to say we both were hurt by that situation. I did not communicate with him much because I could not deal with everything that was going. Over the past 3 years we may have ran into each other at times, but we never really talked too much about what happened. My ex and his ex got married and have a child together. I have not spoken to my ex since we broke up, over 3 years, but my friend sees them all the time because he has kids by his ex wife. Well recently we got back into contact with each other and this time we both are single.

    We both began talking to each other more and strangley enough I found out we have a lot in common and we share many of the same values. We began developing feelings for each other and just decided to pursue each other. So within only a few months he began distaning himself away from me and I noticed this and became frustated with him. He knows that I am looking for an exlusive relationship that will lead to marriage. I told him this in the beginning, then finally when we talked he said he was not ready for a serious relationship. He feels like after so many broken relatioships he just want time to himself. The problem is I know this and I told him I understand and we still continue to talk but not as much. We’ve had sex a few times and it seems when we spend time together we are good. But then when he’s away he calls every so often and when he does call he normally talking about his future plans and asking me what I think. He hardly ever consider my feelings. In my eyes he is a good person and have many qualities I like in a man. But I feel like he is not allowing me to get close to him. I don’t call him he calls me. I’m not sure how to handle this. I want to spend more time with him to see if we could have something here. But he’s so in and out and not giving me much. There are times I just want to leave him alone completly and then I have times were I just love his company and being around him so much that I don’t want to break all ties with him. I don’t what to do? Any advice?



  143.  #143simple on September 13, 2009 at 10:40 am

    hi again
    ok.. here I go again.. We had a great fri night. Great sat went to dinner visited family at their new place (mine) on the way home he asked me about my ex.. now he’s pissed that I “lied” I don’t “follow through” I don’t think of my children… etc.. won’t talk to me. and we had tickets for a big show tomorrow and now he says he’s not taking me.. wants nothing to do with me. I’m too frustrating. I didn’t do anything. honest. I don’t yell, I don’t fight well. i can’t find words to hurt someone like he does. I just am so lost.. I don’t know what to do. i can’t concentrate. every week there’s days he won’t talk to me. Is this normal?? i’ve never been in a relationship where I have felt so bad and lonely and unwanted. He just said he loved me yesterday and talks of our future together and now he says we have no future.



  144.  #144Rori Raye on September 13, 2009 at 2:10 pm

    Emma, Welcome, and you are NOT in a committed relationship. He KNOWS he has no right to all your time and loyalty. You don’t need to tell him anything. If you make a date with someone and so can’t see him when he asks, and he asks you…say you have a date with someone else. Then give him the No Boyfriend speech and remind him it was he who said he didn’t want a committed relationship, so you’re following his lead. Everyone will help you here. Love, Rori



  145.  #145Uschi on September 14, 2009 at 7:48 am

    To add on to above –
    Actually I am not sure if there really is a shift in “us” or if it is more a change in his attitude kind of like stand back and watch what happens. Just not sure of anything right now. Feel confused, unsure, insecure, lonely, hurt, want to cry all the time and I am supposed to love myself according to Rori. Not getting it. There is something else I don’t get -many of you talk about being sexually attracted to a man. I have never been sexually attracted to a man and only got and get turned on and respond when I man makes the first move towards having sex. I have never been the one to try to start and when I did it within my previous marriage I got turned down. I don’t think there is anything wrong with me cause I do respond and have fun doing it (though not for a long time now with him 🙁 …………. but wish for that to start again eventually sometime soon) Now that doesn’t mean that I don’t see when a man is good looking or attractive and that I wouldn’t like being besides him, but I do not look “below” that or get turned on or think what would it be like to have a roll in the hay with him. It just never enters my mind and I don’t get all “juicy” – am I supposed to so a man is attracted to me or what? I just don’t get it. I have heard women talk about going to one of those male stripper shows and get all hot and bothered and then go to bed with a man or attack their husband/boyfriend when they get home. I never been to one of those shows I don’t think it would do anything to me. What is going on here – am I not allowing myself cause of the way I have been brought up or is there something lacking in me?
    I do want a good sex-life with him too even at our age cause we still can.

    To change the subject. I have been working some on the garage like I promised him but waiting for my daughter also to help. After all it is her stuff, but she was to come home yesterday and decided that it was more important to stay with one of her friends to “support” her with a problem. I feel like bitch-slapping her for that. She said she’ll be here this afternoon. Meanwhile he is back from the boat and I think that bitch he is getting his ashes hauled by was there but I just don’t know.
    I just want our relationship back on track and get married sometime in the future to him. Trying to concentrate on me and my feelings and all that and leaning back. Still trying to get the full picture of that and having a hard time with it. But I have stepped back, way back and not talked to him about anything concerning our relationship.
    Babysteps – yea maybe – but I need big strides and guess it has something to do with instant gratification – cause I need it, want it more than anything.



  146.  #146Rori Raye on September 14, 2009 at 3:43 pm

    Lynn, Welcome, and you aren’t going to like my answer. All my Tools will help you: Circular Dating, Leaning Back, Feeling Messages…everything you find here and in my newsletters and book and programs…and yet…bottom line here is the WHY of why you’re putting so much energy into a man who’s giving you so little. I don’t care how great he is. The only thing that counts is what he GIVES YOU. This is a matter of self-esteem and boundaries, and the need to chase after a man. I’ve been there. So please focus on building yourself up, and we’ll all help you. Love, Rori



  147.  #147Lynn on September 14, 2009 at 5:15 pm

    Rori, How unfortunate, but so true. I want to thank you because your program has encouraged me to search more on relationships and even learn to be a relationship coach one day myself. I am going to follow the tools and write my journey as I go, so that maybe I can help others one day. Thanks again. I’ll keep in touch and yes I will need the help.

    Lynn!



  148.  #148Chrissy on September 14, 2009 at 8:58 pm

    Hi Rori
    Thank you so much for your answer to my previous question – I have definitely taken that on-board and leant back and his whole vibe re moving in has changed (last night he was saying how I will have to hand my notice in to my landlord soon 🙂 ).
    I feel confused about 1 thing though – in one of your previous posts / emails? you mentioned showing emotion due to something sad being on TV and how the man was very drawn to that emotion. Last night we were watching TV and a very sad ad came on showing a mother standing in a kitchen and you can hear her thoughts. They are mundane thoughts and she is pondering what to give her children for dinner.. Her thoughts say.. “before I got the phone call, I was thinking, hmm, do I give them lamb – kids like lamb – or should I give them takeaway – but that isnt good for them no matter how much they love it is it”… then the screen cuts to her sitting beside a young child in a coma and her thoughts say “when really, if he would just open his eyes, I would happily give him fish and chips every day”. I was greatly affected by this and got very teary (and even typing it now I am teary eyed). My man’s response was “oh grow up, it is only an ad”. I replied.. “I am not going to apologise for feeling sad about this”. His reaction confused me. (plus he knows that my very young god-daughter died in a car accident and before she slipped away I spent 2 days in ICU pleading with her to wake up so the ad very much resonated with me). Do you (or anyone else) have a take on why he reacted like this? Thanks, Chrissy xx



  149.  #149Breanna on September 14, 2009 at 9:54 pm

    Hi, this is my first post so i hope i do this right.
    I’m 18 and i’ve never had a boyfriend. So im new to how this love thing works.
    I met this guy through my bestfriend, and we’ve been seeing eachother for over a year now but he doesn’t want to commit to me, and i don’t know why? He’s the first guy that i’ve ever fallen in love with. He makes me happy and he makes me feel loved but i think that he’s just stringing me along and i don’t know if i should keep holding on or let him go. Here’s the catch, he’s dating my best friend… He tells me that he’s going to break it off with her but he doen’t… is my heart in the wrong place?



  150.  #150Rebecca on September 14, 2009 at 10:05 pm

    Hi Rori — I’m a newbie to your programs. I purchased your ebook awhile back and am now working through Targeting Mr. Right and the Modern Siren programs. I’ve also recently purchased Christian Carter’s Catch Him and Keep Him and am using his Online Dating kit.

    A little background about me — I was married for 18 years to a very creative and nice man. However, he was an alcoholic. Last year I’d decided I’d had enough and took a job on the opposite coast and we agreed to separate. We are still very good friends, but I was relieved to move on.

    The first year, it was all about me. I loved the independence and the freedom and discovering things about myself. I lost weight, got into shape (no more frumpy housewife) and started to notice men were taking an interest in me again, but only from a distance.

    I then realized that I was getting lonely and was ready to share my life with someone again. So I started going places and doing things with the idea that I’d meet someone doing something we both enjoyed. I signed up for a class and *zing* my Mr. Right appeared.

    After flirting with me online and in class, we agreed to meet up and go to a show together. On the way, he pulled out his iphone and showed me a picture of a dog and told me it was his girlfriend’s dog. I was stunned. Up until that point, I had no idea he had someone else in his life! (In fact, many people think he’s gay!)

    The truth hit me hard, but I genuinely liked the guy, so we continued hanging out, getting to know each other, and became good friends, seeing each other for class and attending shows once or twice per week for the past four months.

    I guess I became the “new friend” that most GF’s dread. But both of us have a strong sense of integrity. (We are in our late 40s). We never crossed any boundaries.

    Since starting your program, I’m thinking that he’s with a “just for now” girlfriend. They don’t live together, they are not engaged, although they’ve been together for a few years. He also was married once before. After his divorce, he didn’t date for about two years, then hooked up with his current GF. He’s dropped some comments that make me think that he’s only now realizing that she’s not his “forever girl”.

    I’m also thinking that I may be his “forever” girl.

    And I think he may have started wondering the same thing.

    Our class has now ended, so we no longer see each other on a regular basis, though we still stay in touch. During our last conversation we talked about how “some things are worth waiting for”. I felt like he was suggesting that one day, in the not too distant future, we might be together.

    But, in the meantime, I know I can’t just sit around waiting. So I’ve started circular dating and am trying to meet “available” men. (I still have a lot to learn about myself!)

    If, in the process, my guy does come around and realize I’m his “forever” girl, or another Mr. Right turns up, I’ll be sure to let you know!

    Rebecca



  151.  #151Daria on September 15, 2009 at 2:06 am

    Wow Rebecca – right on. You have the perfect attitude as I see it. I feel excited for you reading your comment!



  152.  #152Maria on September 16, 2009 at 7:39 am

    Rorky l have another question. (lm being like a little child learning to live and asking:) and l know its a topic lot discussed, but l ask anyway:

    what does it mean when he wants “space” for couple of days.

    my way of thinking is this:
    if he really did want me and love me, he wudnt want a space. not from me, cos he obviously loves me. The fact that he wants it, means he is not into me, he just fools me to keep me around, and now its some sort of space.

    l didnt complain, tho, l said :you can have your space.

    to me its weird, cos lm teh person who likes to bond and this space thing is odd to me, hence l think the way l think above.

    But – lm always ready to hear if l need to be more educated on this, and my attitude is too hush



  153.  #153Maria on September 16, 2009 at 7:39 am

    God, l wrote Rori name accidently so wrong – lm so sorry



  154.  #154sheila on September 16, 2009 at 9:50 am

    Hi Rori,Thank u for this board, I’m new to this.
    I can’t find the question I wrote to you about masturbation and my partner:(
    I’m so confused



  155.  #155Daria on September 16, 2009 at 7:39 pm

    Maria… it means you need to lean back. When you’re leaning back and Circular Dating and paying attention to YOU, there is no reason for him to want space, because he has all the space in the world and gets to decide when he will contact you. Most likely he will want to be around you maybe more than you are even available.



  156.  #156Uschi on September 17, 2009 at 3:17 pm

    I have been leaning way back in the past two weeks or so. Basically ignored him, which is not always possible (we still do live together) gone out, just leaving to go for a walk or something, not telling him what I am up to. Only a few times let him know what was up so he knew I was helping my friend in her store etc. Yesterday I was gone for a good 3 hours and I guess he didn’t even notice that I left (I went to the park to read Mort Fertel’s book Marriage Fitness) When I came back he just said hi in a real friendly like way. I have tried to get some feeling messages across not relating to our relationship though, just about a movie we saw about Germany and WWII which does have an impact on me cause I grew up in post WWII and know ppl who have been in the war and their stories. I don’t see any results as of yet.
    How can I get our communication going again, without him withdrawing. How can I coax him out of his shell out of his hurt that I apparently caused. I have tried some circular dating, not really dating though just flirting and leaning back and I am disgusted with that. Cause the men out there just don’t have an impact on me at all.
    How can I get some faster results. I have ready Rori’s book and I am trying to implement it, though nothing is coming from him. I need something to wake him up. How do I do this?



  157.  #157T.R. on September 17, 2009 at 8:51 pm

    Hi Rori

    I too am struggling with “getting results”. I trying to find the courage to begin circular dating. Long story short, I have been dating a guy for 7 months and we have told each other that we love each other. Only now we are on a break because he is healing from his past (he was raising his ex-girlfriend’s kids and now they are no longer in his life). He continues to tell me that he wants a relationship with me when he is healed, but that he can’t give me what I deserve right now. I have been asked out on dates and I am feeling confused. I feel like I should accept these dates because the man I love is not giving me what I want in relationship terms, but I feel guilty because I know the man I love does not want me to go on dates.
    Are these conflicting feelings normal? And is it still o.k. to go on dates in this situation?

    Please let me know your thoughts, as I am feeling very conflicted….



  158.  #158Rori Raye on September 17, 2009 at 10:13 pm

    Maria – oh my goodness…a man NEEDS SPACE. If he’s good and loving, and devoted to you and warm — give him all the space he needs. (This is the short, blunt version.) Love, Rori



  159.  #159Rori Raye on September 17, 2009 at 10:22 pm

    Breanna, Welcome, and now’s the time to experiment with lots of dating, lots of men, and maybe try out a boyfriend for a bit. But, you absolutely can’t do this unless each and every man is devoted to YOU. A man who is also dating your best friend is completely OFF LIMITS!!!!! What does SHE say?



  160.  #160Helen on September 18, 2009 at 7:43 am

    Hi Rori

    My marriage has been a bit rubbish for a while now. But in May i discovered that my husband was having an affair. This has now stopped, he says he loves me and wants to be with me, but i don’t feel secure with him anymore.
    I know he loves me and cares for me, but it seems like we’re just friends. We don’t have sex anymore and he doesn’t touch me or make me feel sexy or attractve anymore. I need more.
    I have spoken to him about it and i have been reading your e-mails that you send everyday. I even downloaded your book, but i just can’t seem to attract him back, which is making me very angry and upset.
    Please please help me get him back
    Love Helen



  161.  #161Rori Raye on September 18, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    Helen, Welcome, as I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this…There is a lot going on here. A good counselor for both of you together would be a good step and a statement of intent for him. Todd Creager works by phone, and he’s tremendous. Perhaps there’s someone who works with John Gottman’s techniques in your town. Love, Rori



  162.  #162Uschi on September 21, 2009 at 10:44 am

    I kind of got blown away today and I don’t know how to take it and I am wondering if I am reading more into this than what it actually means. Since reading this blog here I have started to lean back – way back, and now I also have Rori’s book to help me. It is difficult for me to do at times, it would be so much easier to go downstairs with the every day things and ask or get his opinion on something. Instead, I am not doing that, nor am I talking with him about our relationship and how much I would love to work things out for us. I’ve basically been doing my own things and every now and then he comes and shares with me things about his interests (diving and boat) and some other tings that are on his mind. He has always done that to some extend but there for a while it was a lot less so, but lately (the past 2 weeks or so) he is looking me more into the eyes and sharing more things with me. Today I went downstairs to get the vacuum cleaner and I waited for a few seconds for him to come out of the bathroom to maybe have give him a chance to talk about whatever. He came out, saw me there with that stupid household appliance, went out of his way to grab it, then looked for his coffee cup, carried both upstairs (with me following him letting him be the man to do something for me) and then he started talking to me about something that is totally not anything that I should, would or could know about even though it has to do with diving. He told me about another person that he knows and what he is doing in life right now and what is happening.
    To be honest, I felt a bit – flabbergasted – might be the right word, about him sharing this with me. I don’t know. What I do know is what I felt – what I felt was that I just wanted to rush over there and just hug him and kiss him for helping me with the cleaner. He has not done something like this in a long time. But I didn’t do that though I felt like doing it ( I am aching for a hug from him). For a moment I really felt like a woman, a lady, appreciated for doing what I was obviously going to do. To make the whole thing even stranger it kind of gave me the energy to do it, even though before I felt and thought ‘damn this kitchen and dining room needs cleaning AGAIN’ – I hate cleaning, laundry, dishes etc, – I love cooking.
    Anyway, while he was telling me and sharing with me I just leaned back, listened to him and kept eye contact with him. I felt he was giving something to me and I just received and I just let him be him and me be me. Thinking about letting his male energy in, because that’s what it felt like to me. I didn’t stuff anything down, except my impulse to go over and kiss and hug him but I let myself feel what I was felling. Wonderment, surprise, some warmth, at the same time some anger cause I want it to be like that all the time and things have so deteriorated, yet at the same time a feeling of us dancing around each other, circling each other, not literally but emotionally in a way, . Like he is waiting for something and the same for me.
    As you all know during this time I am trying and succeeding in small steps in getting my things organized. So I found this Chinese hat the kind the rice farmers wear and something else that I didn’t know if he wanted to keep or not. So I put on the hat and went to him and asked him about that other item. He bowed down with his hands held together in front of him, like the Chinese and Japanese do, with a shit eating grin on his face, saying something to me in Chinese (he’s been there and speaks a few words of the language). Would a man do that if he really felt it was over? Or is he trying in his own way to maybe make a step forward to working things out the only way he knows how?
    Did I act or react in the right way today? I really would love some input on this, cause when it comes right down to it I am somewhat confused.



  163.  #163Simply Shannon on September 21, 2009 at 11:51 am

    Uschi! I love what you did. Wow. I feel so impressed reading how you just received from him!! Bravo!! I am fairly new to this myself and definitely not the expert but I loved reading your post! It sounds like you were being inviting and warm while he was sharing. Again bravo!



  164.  #164Uschi on September 21, 2009 at 12:21 pm

    Shanon, thanks for your comment and the positive input. I would love to see what Rori would have to say to that also. Because I have been thinking about the way I was and I believe that even though I was leaning back and letting him in, I was not being authentic, because what I really wanted to do was hug and kiss him and tell him how much it meant, at least at this time, that he did this small thing. It wasn’t just what he did but also the look on his face, the feeling I got it was almost like it was when we first met. A matter of fact it was. Somehow over the years we lost that and I want it back. Also I need to know how I can make him feel that way again about me the way he used to feel back then. I get so emotional when I think about this that tears are rolling down my face again.



  165.  #165la la land on September 21, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    Uschi hi

    my hurt goes out to you,

    i think remembering the baby-steps principal is the main thing here.
    i believe the leaning back concept is a dramatic change to us, the ‘leaning forward / stay away from me let me chase you’ kind of girls. we are talking cold turkey here…

    you won a moment – cherish it, try to stabilize this new confidence this new feel of yourself,

    i know from the last month for me that like eating healthy and doing yoga, this feeling are hard to maintain…



  166.  #166Rori Raye on September 21, 2009 at 3:50 pm

    USCHI =- BRAVA~!!!!! I’m going to take this and make it a post — because this is CLASSIC! Love, Rori. Just keep doing what you’re doing. The small results will motivate you to keep going, and you’ll stop being flabbergasted and get used to it, and then the big picture will just get clearer.



  167.  #167Uschi on September 21, 2009 at 4:34 pm

    Well, the rest of the day went pretty well for me cause I did get the kitchen done, even took the curtains down to wash them. He was basically downstairs in the office doing what he needs to do and the only time I went down was to wash the curtains. Now there is something else that gets me. The moment I come downstairs, he pretends to work and brings up his program real quick. The rest of the time he seems to be sitting there thinking and answering some phone calls. I am so hoping for some together time tonight and as Rori said in one of her posts I am not gonna ask him to take me out for dinner and just gonna let him know that I am hungry. Maybe he’ll step up to the plate and we go out or at least order in a pizza. Cause after I did that kitchen from top to bottom (still have to do the stove) I am hungry and I really don’t feel like cooking



  168.  #168Uschi on September 22, 2009 at 5:40 am

    I have another subject. As all of you know by now I do not currently have a job and I depend on him. So whats happening is, that each time something is needed in the way of groceries, or ciggies for me or car insurance my cell bill etc etc I have to ask him for money and he seems a bit annoyed at that. I feel kind of put out by having to do that all the time. So I was thinking about how to reduce that somewhat sore subject, by asking him to just let me have a certain amount budgeted in every 2 weeks. How would you guys approach that. Please give me some ideas on how I could put this in a feelings way and also leaning back – I find the though kind of impossible. When I had a part time job I took care of those little items myself and that was one reason why I even had a part time job, the other of course is that I love working with flowers. Been trying to get a job again but seems like right now it’s just not happening and the only thing I get every now and then is helping a friend in her shop. She however is not ready to have someone on a reg part time bases yet.
    Anyone have any ideas? Thanks



  169.  #169Uschi on September 22, 2009 at 5:57 am

    Oooopsm in reading this again I realized that what I wrote could be misunderstood. What I meant by little things is but my cell, car insurance and few personal things like the on line game I like to play for relaxation. Not the groceries and cleaning stuff, general household items needed to keep up a household, However that amount I would like him to budged like every 2 weeks or so would include everything. Since this is a practical thing I have a hard time to come up with a feelings way to ask.



  170.  #170la la land on September 22, 2009 at 6:31 am

    usci
    i know this is hard
    but isnt there a way you can find to earn this petit sum?
    you sound so brave and intelligent…



  171.  #171Simply Shannon on September 22, 2009 at 7:07 am

    Uschi: Use your own words and just add “what do you think?”.

    I feel kind of put out having to [ask for money] all the time. What do you think?

    Let him figure it out. Right now you’ve already thought of the solution (boy). Don’t anticipate the outcome. Be surprised (girl).



  172.  #172Uschi on September 22, 2009 at 8:07 am

    Dear Shanon,
    thank you so much for your positive feedback just now. But he kind of “jumped the gun” before I was really ready because, he came up and said we need sugar and coffee and I added other things that we needed. That was before I read your response and I was kind of on the spot there thinking real quick ‘what would Rori say’ and I answered him that there were other things too that needed to be taken care of also, (not mentioning though what they were like insurance and cell phone etc) however, that I feel uncomfortable to always ask him for money and that I would feel better if I had a certain amount to work with and budget, and as an after-though was the “what do you think’ kinda like 30 seconds after I said the budget thing. I kind of felt like I threw it in his lap and then I stood there and waited. By the expression on his face I could see that he wasn’t entirely pleased about having to spend money to begin with on every day things and I did not really feel comfortable about the whole thing. But he knows it needs to be done, so in this respect he does step up to he plate. So later on today he will either go to the bank and get cash or write me a check. So in a way I have reduced an uncomfortable thing to like just twice a month or so. I know I will have to remind him about this, because he is like the professor who kisses his soft boiled breakfast egg and and cracks his wife in the head with the spoon, or like Einstein who was stopped by a student, when he came back from lunch, by a question that he answered and then asked the student, which way was I going when you stopped me. The student told him and Einstein said ‘OK, that means I have had lunch already’ (true story) and then kept going lost in though. Well, that’s him. He forgets to close the doors to the kitchen closets, leaves the mustard and butter out, the knife on the counter and I overlook that, do not fight with him about small things like that cause after all there are more important things,. However, I have teased him about it in the hope that he may be more attentive to such things but it hasn’t helped much LOL

    Dear la la land,
    thanks for your compliment about me being brave and intelligent. I might be both, brave in any case, not sure about intelligent otherwise I would know as a woman how to be a women and not seek the help of a blog like this at the age of 55. I have tried getting a job, craigs list, news paper, Internet, and the only thing I have is helping my friend in her flower shop every now and then when she has a wedding, and I would love to work with and for her on a permanent part time bases, but she and her business are just not quite ready for that yet and the current economical situation isn’t much help either especially in a field like mine. Trust me I’ve been trying.



  173.  #173Uschi on September 22, 2009 at 8:31 am

    Dear Rori,
    thank you for your fast and positive response to my post it made me feel good to have been able to accomplish something in whatever small way. Also, I am so thankful that you have this blog where all of us can learn from. When I was looking for relationship help, everyone else just wants to sell their stuff but you have taking it a whole lot further with this blog where women like me with limited funds can get something out of it too.
    It really kind of made me feel like I got somewhere and I know that I did. It felt good. However, there is still a lot to be done as you can see in my question in the post above. My question to you now is: since we are living together and he works from “home” he is downstairs all day long and I am upstairs. Me not having a job we are aware of being around each other all day. I am trying to create some physical distance, by just not going downstairs unless I absolutely have to for laundry etc. I believe that is a way of leaning back as I understand it. On nice days lately I have taken a book and my car and drove to the park and left for a few hours, walked the dog etc. or just spend time in my room with the door closed and work on organizing my mess. However, when work time for him is over which is to be like around 5PM, he stays downstairs works in reports for his research or watches youtube with historical movies about military history and wars etc. We never did get the digital box for the TV or have cable or dish. For one thing he doesn’t want to spend the money and for another we are kind of bored with all that stupid mind candy on TV and misinformation and media hype. I’d rather watch a good movie every now and then on DVD or play my game than watch TV and become stupid. The only thing I am missing are some of the shows on public TV which are educational and some documentaries. But that’s besides the point I am trying to make.
    When work time is over for him he doesn’t come upstairs he stays downstairs and even said if he could he would sleep and eat down there cause of all my Stuff (I am working on that) Even when I cook dinner and for the two of us that just doesn’t happen every day cause we just rather have a sandwich or something (we call it grazing LOL), he goes back downstairs. We used to watch Jeopardy and some other things together but even then when that was over he went back downstairs to work on reports or whatever.
    What can I do, for him to spend more time with me, so I do have a chance to implement some of the things from your book and to also spend some quality time together.
    What I mean by that is, he doesn’t get the chance to see me or the changes that I am making or how much I love myself, or feel how I get into my feelings or hear my feelings messages etc if he is always not there or we only talk shortly when he comes up for a cup of coffee or ‘grazing’. If he doesn’t see, feel, hear, and get it and like I mentioned above I been leaning way back, how can that reconnection happen? If you read my post above to Shannon you see what I mean “because he is like the professor who kisses his soft boiled breakfast egg and and cracks his wife in the head with the spoon”
    Cause with leaning back I don’t want to be the one to initiate anything in the way of suggesting of spending more time together or doing something together. And boy would I love to do that and also have physical affection again and sex even if we only start out with a hug to start with. Any suggestions on that?



  174.  #174Uschi on September 22, 2009 at 9:46 am

    For all of you out there!
    Reading Rori’s e-book and this blog I am learning a lot and still work on implementing it. Today I got an email form Rori which I guess goes out to everyone to read and buy her books and there were a lot of important things in there that now that my mind is more open made a lot of sense. Including and I will quote from her email:
    “We’re taught that we have to be dressed to the
    hilt, have great hair and makeup and a fabulous
    figure.” and then Rori goes on to state “But what DOES have to do with the attraction a
    man feels for us is how attractive WE believe we
    are. How attracted to OURSELVES we are.
    Because when we find ourselves attractive, we
    put out a completely different vibe than if we
    doubt our attractiveness.”
    I believe Rori means being in love with yourself also means being attractive and I totally get that (now lol), however, in a lot of ways we women feel attractive when we look good, when we wear clothes that compliment us, when our hair is OK and we are well groomed. Which made me realize (a bulb went on over my head ha ha cause in some ways the following, that’s me) that when in a relationship we sometimes let ourselves go a lot and at home we walk around in sweats or old t- shirts,, old sneakers, hair just pinned back real fast no make up etc because we are just at home and we don’t have to look our best all the time because we are cleaning or taking care of the house anyway and old stuff is good enough for that and the dust sure isn’t looking at our make up or hair. Or maybe it does, god knows what these little dust mites see that we so rigorously sweep away (a little sense of humor pls here). In trying to organize my house with all the “stuff” that my man is complaining about and a lot of work not getting done when I was having a job, I was also looking for a way to do it in an easier more organized, structured way and came across the website of http://www.flylady.com where you get some hints and tips on just that subject. Reading Rorie’s email and then the email that I get every day from flylady (not always following it to be honest) right after it. There is stated in morning routine, dressed to the shoes brush teeth etc. something went bingo, cause I kind of let things go run around in jeans old t-shirt no make up and hair pinned back and I feel like this old lady in old clothes getting ready to go out and beg. My mom did that (she was never married had me out of wedlock so that was not a good teacher for relationships either and she hated men) so now I am doing it cause it’s what I grew up with and learned. And it does make me feel not pretty at all, not attractive not anything positive in a way. So what I am trying to say with this is, that maybe being a little more careful in what we wear and how we take care of ourselves and look it will maybe make us feel better too. But you’re not getting dressed up for him but for you. The only thing I am thinking now, with him being the professor, when I make that change on top of the other changes Rori is talking about, will he somehow notice, or will he keep on ignoring it. I will do it for me, but at the same time I am doing it for my relationship that means a lot to me.
    Any thoughts on that?



  175.  #175Uschi on September 22, 2009 at 11:39 am

    I just found out (had to hide Rori’s book that I printed, was just reading about Appreciating your man, when he came up to let me know) that he will be gone for 2 weeks starting Friday. Wow – I don’t like this at all but there is nothing that I can do about it, and I may use this time to go out a bit, circular dating without actually getting involved with anyone but just to exercise what Rori is teaching. So this thought popped into my mind after reading Rori’s chapter on appreciation – maybe not quite in line with leaning back – to write him a note, putting it in his brief case to find later, letting him know how much I appreciate him and everything he does using feeling words. I just kind of want him to have something from me while he is gone or rather feel me or a presence of me in a way, without it being pushy or leaning forward yetat the same time let him know somehow how much he and what he does means to me.
    Any idea how I could write this, do this, or is this a bad idea? Any input would be greatly appreciated.
    Thanks you all!!!!!!



  176.  #176Uschi on September 22, 2009 at 11:39 am

    I just found out (had to hide Rori’s book that I printed, was just reading about Appreciating your man, when he came up to let me know) that he will be gone for 2 weeks starting Friday. Wow – I don’t like this at all but there is nothing that I can do about it, and I may use this time to go out a bit, circular dating without actually getting involved with anyone but just to exercise what Rori is teaching. So this thought popped into my mind after reading Rori’s chapter on appreciation – maybe not quite in line with leaning back – to write him a note, putting it in his brief case to find later, letting him know how much I appreciate him and everything he does using feeling words. I just kind of want him to have something from me while he is gone or rather feel me or a presence of me in a way, without it being pushy or leaning forward yet at the same time let him know somehow how much he and what he does means to me.
    Any idea how I could write this, do this, or is this a bad idea? Any input would be greatly appreciated.
    Thanks you all!!!!!!



  177.  #177Uschi on September 22, 2009 at 11:40 am

    ooops how did that happen to post twice?



  178.  #178Daria on September 22, 2009 at 2:56 pm

    Hi uschi! I feel angry reading that you think that as a woman you are not intelligent because you read this blog. I feel judged as i too participate in this blog.

    #1 rule don’t beat yourself up

    also I don’t like the implication and I feel very angry reading it, my shoulder feels tight and so does my face.



  179.  #179Daria on September 22, 2009 at 3:02 pm

    Uschi… i read your next posts and I feel better! It seems things are really shifting for you!

    My take: NO! Do not write him a note!!! That is WAY LEANING FORWARD!!!

    appreciating means saying THANK YOU when …. When HE DOES something FOR YOU!

    not notes “for no reason.” so that he can think about you.
    that is very lean forward.

    otherwise AWESOME JOB with taking care of yourself and starting the shifts to loving yourself. The more you love yourself (and take care of the “stuff” which may even be more of an issue for You than for him deep down), the more he will come and give you attention on his own… and then you can appreciate him and his actions…

    appreciate every little thing and attention he GIVES to you. by saying Thank You and allowing yourself to enjoy it



  180.  #180Angeline on September 22, 2009 at 4:10 pm

    Hello,

    I need some help from all you divas. What am I supposed to do about match.com guys who seem interested but won’t ask me out? I’ve been exchanging emails with a couple of them. I’m using feeling messages and being open and receptive but they still won’t take the lead and actually ask me out! It’s frustrating because email communication feels very cerebral, no matter how hard I try to make it an emotional connection.

    I finally told two of them “I get the feeling we’d have fun hanging out together.” One of them hasn’t responded. The other responded by telling me to call him! But I don’t want to call him because that would be leaning forward and overfunctioning, plus then I’d probably end up planning the whole first date and I don’t want to do that.

    Really, it makes me so frustrated with men. They don’t love us when we overfunction, but they’re too… insecure? weak? afraid? to take the plunge and just ask us out. Don’t they have any idea how hard it is for us?

    How should I handle this?

    ~ Angeline



  181.  #181Carolina on September 22, 2009 at 4:37 pm

    Hi Angeline,

    I don’t know how match.com works but I wouldn’t normally initiate any contact with the guy other than visiting his profile, hotlist him, wink at him, add the guy to your favorites or any similar functionality, something equivalent to smiling at the guy if you were at a party. Do only enough for him to notice you and after that it’s up to him to write you or ask for your number. In the particular case of a guy that asks you to call him, I would respond “I’m really busy this week but next week seems better. Here’s my number …”. If the guy doesn’t call, he’s just not worth a minute of your attention!
    I hope this works.
    Good luck!
    Caro
    PS: make sure match.com is the right website based in your profile and the kind of men you’re looking.



  182.  #182Daria on September 22, 2009 at 5:44 pm

    Angeline…

    I find the same online. I don’t ever contact men, they contact me.

    Rori said before to say… I don’t really feel like talking on line, im at 555 – 5555.

    Then he chooses whether to call you, so it’s not really leaning forward very much.

    Guys tell me to call them to, I say, I don’t want to call, I feel uncomfortable calling men. Im at 555- 5555.



  183.  #183Simply Shannon on September 22, 2009 at 6:00 pm

    Angeline: I do the same as Daria. Typically men give out their numbers right upfront and say give me a call. And I usually just respond to them by giving them my number. And even if they keep saying the same thing, I just keep giving them an email back that ends with my number.

    Typical email from a man…
    Here’s my cell number. 555-5555. Give me a call sometime.

    My reply…
    It would feel great to meet you sometime. My cell is 123-4567. I hope you have a great week! Shannon

    I did cut one guy off because he never would call me. I literally said “I feel weird that we haven’t talked yet. I don’t want a date with an email address. You have my number.” And when he emailed me yet again, I said “I feel uncomfortable with this and feel a little wary about continuing to email. I don’t want to feel this way. Good luck with your search.” Yes, that closed it down but it was clear to me that he wasn’t going to call. I suspect that he might have been married or something. Just felt weird, so I ended it. And he still checks my profile. WEIRD!



  184.  #184Chrissy on September 22, 2009 at 6:54 pm

    Hi
    I just wanted to share a small success story.. (PS, Uschi I too have a similar issue re asking my man anything to do with money so I have been reading the responses with interest)
    My 6 year old son plays a game he calls “opposites day”. On that day (or every day, he is 6 after all 🙂 ) whatever he says or does means the opposite. I took his game and applied what I have read from Rori.. I decided to respond in the “opposite” way to a situation that previously would have led to an issue with my partner and it seems to have worked!
    Last night after we had been to dinner he got angry with me during a (to me) seemingly meaningless discussion. He stormed inside and out to the back deck. I had absolutely no idea why he was angry with me and whenever this has happened in the past I have always followed him and asked what is wrong etc. Last night tho, I thought of “opposites day” and I connected with my feelings (tired, frustrated) and decided to honour how i felt and honour “opposites day” and I simply went to bed!
    After a long while, I heard him come inside and I could tell he was looking for me but I was enjoying feeling snuggled in my quilt and drifting off to sleep. When he finally came to bed he made a huge effort to cuddle me (although I was nearly asleep and I did not say anything) and that is how he fell asleep. And this morning he was very attentive! Both behaviours are very unlike him but then it was very unlike me to quietly go to bed (and not confront him first). Yay to opposites day! 🙂 xx



  185.  #185Rori Raye on September 22, 2009 at 9:17 pm

    Chrissy – such a cool idea! Making change fun…Love, Rori



  186.  #186Uschi on September 22, 2009 at 9:37 pm

    Daria,
    didn’t mean to make you feel bad I was just frustrated with myself, when others seem me as seemingly intelligent and I don’t really feel that way about myself. But maybe I am at least on some level. Thing is I have always been a kind of do it yourself girl/woman/lady and when something was broken I fixed it myself if I could and most of the time I could. Learned a lot of things which are kind of male oriented, woodworking, painting, hanging sheet rock, laying tile, refinishing furniture, changing out light switches if they are bad. I think I could build a house if you give me the right tools and materials except for plumbing and electricity. Always been hands on and also always ready to help. And those are just a few things to mention. I was and am into many things that just happen to capture my interest and I always thought it was a good thing to be able to know all those things as a woman and be able to do it yourself instead of having some expensive person (nowadays mostly male but sometimes female) to get them to do it and pay lots of money for it. Even made some small repairs on my car years ago putting in a new radiator, changing out the fuel filter and thermostat. Always thought a man ought to appreciate a woman who can do all that and save money. Especially when you it is the case that you ask a man to do somthing and a year and a half later it still isn’t done grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. When we had a fire in the house a few years ago (mostly just smoke damage) I repainted living room, dining room, hallway and bathroom and I had the feeling he was happy that I was able to do that and he didn’t have to bother with it. After all a house is on dirt and he’d rather be on water (in a boat) as it is. And without blowing my own horn I did a damn good job too not just with the painting but also doing some repairs at the same time. Guess that was a little too forward and male oriented and maybe I should have just let him do all that and just help in a female way LOL. (what kind of tool is that? LOL) Yet at the same time I enjoy doing things like that every now and then. And yea, I know I learned a lot not on a doctor or lawyer level or something like that and by god I am not a professor of anything and sometimes I find myself rather under educated though my German education that I have is considered like 6 yrs of college here in the US – but hey life teaches you a lot and you kind of never stop learning but when I said what I said I was upset cause my mom should have been teaching me things like what Rori is teaching – but what the heck she just didnt know any better maybe my grandmother did cause my grandparents had a very very good marriage but that was also during another time and things were different then for woman and I think a lot more natural, unfortunately I never met my grandma she died at a rather young age during WWII – maybe I could have learned from her. Anyway no hard feelings pls.



  187.  #187Daria on September 22, 2009 at 9:58 pm

    Uschi – thanks, I do not feel bad at all. I feel glad you are looking at your good qualities!

    I think it’s awesome that you know how to do these traditional “male” stuff. I am into that too! I loved learning about cars, and love changing tires etc. If we are doing it FOR US and because it makes us feel good, then great.

    But expecting the man to appreciate it “as help” to him won’t work.

    He loves us for BEING not doing, although he may admire us for being able to do stuff (it certainly does not have to scare him like sometimes women are afraid of)… he Loves us for Being us, and not for Doing or Not Doing.



  188.  #188Laurie on September 22, 2009 at 11:32 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I have been married 15 yrs. this Thursday. My spouse and I are at a cross roads or should I say I am. For the first 1/2 if not more I played second fiddle to alcohol & his buddies, while my time was spent with our children. I waited, and waited for him to want to enjoy things with me that he planned for us things that I would like to do or see, i.e. I would plan for a birthday or anniversary an overnight trip and maybe a concert or comedy show he would like…. he always appreciated the things I have done for him. i don’t know maybe I was to accomadating when it came to my birthday and it was all planned with the kids, nothing really extra. Don’t get me wrong he has always given me nice, wonderful gifts, but it is all materialistic. Over the past 5 yrs. I just have lost more and more interest in him, just as he has lost his way to provide for us (it’s getting better he has a job now). The biggest thing is, is i don’t really miss him or sharing a bed with him. It’s really kind of sad. A couple of weeks ago we had sex for the first time in along time, it was nice when it was over I wanted to lay on his chest and I began to cry, not really understanding why… maybe for the loss of our relationship, not feeling as though there could ever be more than there is, still trying to figure it out. I feel as though I am really here just for the kids anymore, I guess it helps to a point that he is gone 5 days a week with his new job, home on weekends.

    He is not totally to blame as over the years I have felt cheated on by his desire for alcohol and hangin’ with the guys or his family, sometimes I don’t know what I was thinking, getting involved with him as i am not a big drinker. I know my limits and usually choose not to drink, especially knowing that I will have to be the responsible one. Last Xmas his cousin was in town and he chose to drink quite a bit (he had the kids with him) drove them home and then took my son out and had more to drink…. I felt that it was the last straw, but being in the financial situation I have not been able to move out. this new job has helped in giving me some space to hopefully heal. After all those years of feeling as though I did not matter an ex came back into my life (he’s married too) we just can’t seem to want to let go of us, either one of us, but he is not willing to change his situation. I am, but I’m not. I am very confused! I know my husband loves me and adores me and so does the other. where to go from here.



  189.  #189Uschi on September 23, 2009 at 4:03 am

    Chrissy,
    love your comment and your solution – opposite – easy to remember when something comes up – I am so ungrateful – oh no just the opposite 😉



  190.  #190Jo on September 23, 2009 at 4:27 am

    Hi Rori and all. Thank you so much for your wise words, honest heart and tools for change.

    I have been with my chap for three years. We lived together for a year and half. In June he moved out to go and live back with his mother as he had nowhere else to go. I am 35 and he is 43. The split was amicable. I asked him to move out he was happy to. I decided that i couldn’t tolerate his half truths, dark moods and he let his ex girlfriend ( mother of his child) control him so much it put a real strain on our relationship. She said that he could see more of his little girl if he didn’t live with me, ofcourse this wasn’t the main factor we split but it was another staw on the camels back. When we initially split i was very upset but stuck to No Contact.

    After a week he called me to say he had made the worst mistake of his life and felt devastated. My feeling was that even after a week he still wouldn’t realise just how much he was missing me. I didn’t play any girly games and told him i needed to be left alone as i felt drained and needed to rest my mind and heart for a while.

    To cut a long story short after time we did a lot of talking. My friends ( who i value greatly) could see a great change in him and in all honesty he has been consistent in treating me how i believe a man should. Close friends have also seen a positive change in me too. Due to my increased self esteem and self worth i am getting a lot of attention from decent guys when i am out. I am however, a fireclay loyal person and haven’t taken up any of the offers for meals out etc.

    The split has done us both good. He now realises just how much his ex and fear weather friends tried to ruin our relationship. I have realised that i was doing to much for him to the point where i don’t think he felt i needed him, this attitude of surrounding my world around him, mentally and physically drained me. I turned down invites, parties with friends just so i could be there for him. I now seriously realise how destructive this was. What annoys me is that i am a very intelligent, independent woman and yet for the life of me i look back and I can’t work out why i acted like this.

    Through reading your emails Rori I got a big wake up call, I have learn’t to value myself much more, I spend a lot of time with friends having fun, I do less for him but will ask him to help me with things around the house etc and because i value myself more, he values me too.

    My confusion lies with the fact although we both seem happy with each other i don’t see him making any decisions to leave his mums. He stays with me most nights, we spend weekends together and genuinely enjoy each others company. I get the feeling that he is scared to ask to come home as we are getting on so well and doesn’t want to rock the boat. I am not going to ask him when he is going to come home and have left him alone to make his own mind up. It is a real dilemma as i feel i should be saying to him….. it’s make your mind up time. Commit and live with me properly or stay living at your mums and lets both move on with our lives.

    He doesn’t get to see his child any more than his ex promised, that was a devious ploy to split us up. I am still hurt that he didn’t stick up to her then, but if we hadn’t of split then he wouldn’t of realised just how vindictive she is. I totally understand that his child comes before me in any condition but to be living out of bin liners in a tiny bedroom at his mums cant be good for his child to see his dad living this way.

    For me, as time goes on i get stronger and more independent. What worries me now is after taking a step out of an unhealthy relationship i am beginning to wonder if we really should be together. Now i am stronger and wiser i believe that if a man truly loves you then you know it and feel it. At the moment i don’t feel loved by him just another string to his bow.

    Also after three years i have never even met his mum, which i know in my heart is not a good sign. He say’s it is because she is difficult to get on with. I however do not believe that. He also hasn’t told his ex partner he is still seeing me incase she has a tantrum and stops him seeing his child.

    I have just read this back to check for spelling and grammar mistakes and i actually don’t know what the bliddy hell i am doing with this person. Maybe it’s the frame of mind I am in today. All i know is i am drained with trying to work out what to do for the best.

    After previously being in a relationship with a bully for 17 years and now this confusing relationship for 3 years maybe it’s time to just get to know me.

    By the way Rori …… ….you Rock. xx



  191.  #191Uschi on September 23, 2009 at 7:55 am

    Not sure how to act or react to this one. When he gets up in the mornings he is usually pretty grumpy and in a sour mood, to the point that he sometimes slams doors, gets irritated at the smallest things, doesn’t talk and has this generally pissed off look on his face. He does that during the day too at times when things go wrong with his computer or otherwise and when he gets interrupted when concentrating on something. In the past I have at times taken this personally when I didn’t know what caused his irritation or even anger. Now I’ve read a post by Rori and wonder if this could be used if he is acting this way and I quote her here
    “you know – I feel awkward talking about this, but I’m feeling angry and disappointed, and I don’t want to pretend I don’t feel that way. Can we talk about what’s going on with us?” but maybe I should word it this way:
    “You know – I feel awkward talking about this, but I’m feeling attacked when you are acting like this, and I don’t want to pretend I don’t feel that way. Can we talk about what’s going on?”
    Just a way for me to let him know how I am feeling when he is that way, without accusing him, or making him feel awkward, but letting him know how I feel about it in a not attacking kind of way.
    I mean when it happened this morning he was pissed cause my daughters cat had pee-peed on his clothes (that cat need neutering but neither I nor my daughter have the money for that right now). However, on a positive note he said WE again even though it was in a sentence I didn’t really like; WE are not going to take care of the cat when she is in basic training (she is waiting to be shipped out for basic). The WE seems to indicate in a way. at least to me, that deep down it isnot be over for him. Also, reading this blog and about anger, it seems to mee he is stuffing down a lot of it and when it does come out then it is bitching about my stuff or things I did or didn’t do. He does seem to have some regrets about his past, for one giving up a job that made him good money because of his ex wife bitching about it, some apparent regret of not sticking it out not being strong enough to handle it. He mentioned that in passing to me. Now that I think about it, I feel that was a lot for him to say and to say it to me, it was sharing on his part. And learning from this blog and Rori, I believe that he actually shared something with me at that moment that was very deep for him. I just didn’t realize it at that moment, not consciously anyway more like felt it but did not get in touch with it. I know wish I could get back to that moment and respond differently. He also mentioned to me that there was something he shared with his X’s that he will never share with ANYONE again, It has something to do with Nam and what happened there, something to do with killing and apparently his X’s started to change their behavior towards him and he didn’t like that. I believe it made him sad and maybe he even felt misunderstood or not appreciated for doing for his country. I very much wanted to ask him what it was but I didn’t, now I wish I would have said that I felt not trusted or something to that effect cause I believe if he could talk about that to me we would make a big step forward in our relationship.
    I have read Rori’s post on “Unearth The Anger And Bring On The Intimacy” and I truly believe that should it come to that point where he is attacking me (and symptoms #2 fit him) he will step back and re-evaluate. There was an incident on the boat once where the fuel filter went bust and he had to fix it and I heard his now famous “God damn it” and I felt it was directed at me. For me that was a “normal” reaction because of my alcoholic husband who always made me feel like I was at fault. Thing is, I let him know then how it made me feel when I heard his “God damn it” and he stepped back way back and apologized and told me it wasn’t me and I could even see in his face how sorry he was that I felt that way. Looking back now, I also realize that at the beginning I shared so much more of myself with him (wow all the stuff that comes up just blogging here – amazing) at that time and I guess somehow when I moved we or maybe I should say I let every day problems get in the way and I kind of reverted to old ways or the only ones I know-knew. So right now I feel pissed that I let it happen and I am also sad that it happened and I have so many feelings right now and tears welling up that I can hardly see the screen. I want to share all those feelings with him, at the same time I am afraid I’d be overloading him. I want to run downstairs and share it all, pour it out, let it go let it rip, but I kinda feel that’s not a good idea. He is leaving Friday for 2 weeks and I kind of made something like a new years resolution that when he comes back things will be different (hopefully). I want back what we had then and actually hoping it will be even better than what it was when we started. At the same time I am afraid of falling into old habits WHEN things start getting good again, which I truly am hoping for. I believe I kind of need to sort things out and this blog is very helpful with that and I hope you guys are not gonna hate me for rambling on like that and sorting things out while writing. I am afraid of not succeeding, but I want to all the same.
    Anyway, this all started with him being grumpy in the mornings and me not feeling right about it and wanting to do something about it. Should I, at times like this, just give him space and let him know later how it made me feel or what is the best way to handle this?



  192.  #192la la land on September 23, 2009 at 9:52 am

    cool Chrissy, im inspired, my kids play that too.



  193.  #193Breanna on September 23, 2009 at 12:46 pm

    Thank you for your adivice Rori. I have another problem, the man who is off limits keeps leading me on. And its really hard for me to break away from him. when i try to stop, i find myself wanting to call him, wanting to still hang out with him. How do i break away ? I feel that i’ve fallen for him, my emotions are tooo strong for me to just cut it off. i love him. my best friend doesnt want anything to do with me anymore. she doesn’t even want to be around me. so ive lost my best friend and im losing the one i love. what do i do? is it possible to be friends with any of them or should i just give up all together?



  194.  #194T.R. on September 23, 2009 at 12:50 pm

    Uschi,

    I have been reading your blogs here with a lot of interest. I have been through similar situations and I want to tell you that you are a strong woman (in a feminine way). It is difficult to know what to do when your man is behaving in a way that we don’t feel comfortable with. I think that Daria and others have had a lot of good advice and insight.

    Keep up your good work!



  195.  #195Uschi on September 23, 2009 at 2:21 pm

    T.R.
    thanks for your compliment about being a strong woman, though right now I am not sure that I really feel that way. Reading this blog and having Rori’s book sure is shaking lose a lot of feelings, remembering how things were in the past, what changed etc etc etc. and at the same time trying to change the way I talk to him in a feelings way, trying to lean back which is really so unlike me. Maybe this leaning back has a bit to do with letting go and starting to trust him more too. Cause I really am giving up controlling the outcome and that is damn hard to do. However, it seems like there is a small shift in the way he is behaving. He came upstairs just a bit ago and was really pissed cause of what one of the cats did. See my male cat had to have his penis removed cause of that urinary stuff and my daughters cat is not yet neutered and thinks that my cat is a female. In a way this is actually funny, except that Dave doesn’t want to hear what the cat “thinks” Anyway, normally he would have come up really really angry and irritated and this time he came up let me know about the problem of what the cat did and didn’t even ask me to do something about it. He just stood there for a while and then he said “Cartridges are really cheap” I have no idea what he meant by that except that maybe he was referring to the print cartridges he got for me earlier so I can put out some brochures at an upcoming bridal show. Really not sure what that was all about. In any case I leaned back, let him talk and it was like easy and I was surprised that he was calm about everything. The important things is before we would have argued about this “stupid” stuff and this time we didn’t. I wasn’t angry, didn’t have much feelings about the whole thing at all and I just let him say what he felt he needed to say and let him get it out. I didn’t feel attacked and I feel that is a big step forward, and maybe my acting and talking differently does make a difference within him. Not sure – matter of fact I am very unsure – the only thing I know is that there seems to be some small changes and he seems a bit more relaxed at least with me.



  196.  #196Flipper on September 23, 2009 at 3:57 pm

    Uschi, wow, I see you just going a mile a minute!! From what you say, you seem to feel unsure and like you’re making slowwww progress, but honestly, it’s only been a few weeks since you’ve started and the unacceptable situation has been installed for ages! But there’s already palpable progress. Brava from me, too – what’s happening with you feels so encouraging to me.

    I feel you’ve felt your way to the ‘right’ way to handle his grumpiness. It doesn’t really matter exactly what moment to say it – your post already contains good words for expressing your feelings in the matter in a non-blaming way, and I feel he’ll probably react similarly to how he did in the ‘… damn…’ boat incident. I.e. he’ll realize the effect he’s having on you and even though he probably thought it was only about himself and the stuff happening to him without the slightest link to you at all, apologize or be willing to be more careful of your feelings next time.

    That said, many people, and not just men, are subject to irreductible morning grumpiness – in that case, if they can’t be more amenable or you can’t stop feeling hurt by it, maybe agreeing to avoid each other’s company till a certain hour or some other solution can be worked out between you.



  197.  #197Daria on September 23, 2009 at 5:05 pm

    Uschi I agree with Flipper! I feel ABSOLUTELY INSPIRED!!! by the words you found about teh morning grumpiness… I too feel uncomfortable and haven’t really known how to express it when I feel other people angry around me but know it’s not about me, and yet i feel affected.

    THANK YOU FOR THAT … THANK YOU THANK YOU



  198.  #198Daria on September 23, 2009 at 5:08 pm

    I would say in my situation

    “You know – I feel awkward talking about this, but I feel this uncomfortable angry feeling from you, and I feel on edge and it feels weird… and I don’t want to pretend I don’t feel that way… what do you think?”



  199.  #199Uschi on September 23, 2009 at 9:15 pm

    Daria, I need to say that the above words are actually from a post Rori put up but I find some of the things she posts are words that feel right to me touch me, and when it comes to being smart about words it usually comes to me 3 days after the fact. We have a saying in Germany about decorating yourself with other peoples feathers LOL meaning using something and making it your own but without giving vredit to the person who did or said it. That’s however not like me; Rori I hope you have no problems with me using those words sometimes with a slight change. I believe you are posting them for ppl to use because for some of us it is difficult to come up with the proper words or combination of words at the right moment so it is helpful having read an example.
    There were a few God damn its today that I could even hear upstairs but I knew what they were about LOL and after I had gone shopping and came home he was actually BUBBLING over with the good news that teh software problem was taken care of and he was getting the “God damn” labels printed. So I decided to make steak for dinner his with pepper mine without (I hate pepper) and we had a nice dinner and he even poured me a rum to celebrate having the book done on time.
    Now, this is nothing really special cause I believe he would have done that anyway, It was the attitude he did it with that seemed to me more open, more relaxed. I am hoping I am not sensing this wrong, but I am trying to stay positive here. There are still lots of problems we need to work on and I am hoping that it can be done. However him using the word WE and more than once lately leads me to believe that not all is lost. I am still having a problem though with the leaning back and find myself stepping into old shoes so to speak – or just one shoe being on before I put on the other – catching myself leaning forward and not all the time right away so I have to pay more attention to that at least verbally – phisically I am doing ok with it I think. Does anyone have the dance position. I read about it and would like to know more about it and maybe use it
    You all have a good night and sleep well – I am going to play my game now for an hour or so (world of war craft) – leaning back doing m,y own thing – and hope I get some good gear out of an instance.
    Achievements in that game make me feel so good and being a level 80 does too cause in some cases I can be sooooooooooooooooo powerful LOL



  200.  #200Rori Raye on September 23, 2009 at 10:55 pm

    Laurie, Welcome, and wish I could give you simple advice — but I hear that you understand how you’re going to have to work your way through this — by getting financially independent of the marriage and being able to bring it back to life in an emotional way. First – start with you. Your self esteem, your confidence, your love for you. Good luck, and I know you’ll find lots of help here, Love, Rori



  201.  #201Daria on September 24, 2009 at 12:05 am

    Uschi – you play world of warcraft wow you rock! I’ve been meaning to start playing that lol

    I’ve used Rori’s words word for word before. Now I find myself saying them naturally from me hehe

    Great job, keep loving you loving YOU



  202.  #202Uschi on September 24, 2009 at 6:19 am

    Daria,
    go out get the game now all the way up to the last extension the Lich King and come to the Mok’Nathal Realm I be happy to invite you into my guild (I am one of the officers) and though we are a leveling guild we also now with as many 80’s as we have do raiding etc. The game changes a bit when you are 80. I have a lvl 80 hunter a lvl 24 Shamanm a lvl 14 Rogue and other very low lvl toons my hunter so far is my only 80 and I will get some of the other toons leveld up. But my hunter is my favorite. There is soooooooo much to this game almost a life within a life but of course I am not taht hooked on it I am only playing it in the evenings and at one time Dave was really pissed that I was playing it. Last night though I even mentioned something about the game and how it has references to the black knight of Monte Python, other movies, German and Greek Mythology etc etc. Right now they got the Brew fest going on thinking Octoberfest with real German beer drinking music it almost makes me a little homesick. They got stuff going on for the different holidaywith achievements and if you get all the holiday achievements (which takes a year or more if you didnt know about it like me) you get a reward a mount. Bute let me warn you, you need a damn good PC for that a broadband connection if possible wired directly not wireless and a good graphics card and at least a gig of RAM better would be 2gigs. 12 bucks a month (Ipay every 3 month) is cheap entertainment nowadays. If you want I can recruit you which also would give me a few benefits LOL like lvl’ing one of my other toons faster LOL. Anyway let me know.
    Today Dave keeps shutting the basement door so the cat can not have an accident anymore downstairs. I got up after he did and I am hoping he is over his morning grouchiness. We’ll see what happens today. I gotta clean up the kitchen from last night though first I gotta do the cooking and fishing quest cause that’s how I wake up in the morning.



  203.  #203Aggy on September 24, 2009 at 6:35 am

    bravo sirens, I just love this!
    Requesting for the meaning of ‘Rebirthing bodywork’
    read it in Rori’s e-book and am unable to tell what it is

    Love you all
    Aggy



  204.  #204Uschi on September 24, 2009 at 6:51 am

    Daria
    about getting the game I didn’t mean to make that sound like an order LOL



  205.  #205Uschi on September 24, 2009 at 7:37 am

    Lori,I was married to an alcoholic husband (my second marriage) for over 12 years the last 4 I was gone. I had to leave. For the longest time he put a guild trip on me and I would cover for him and make sure things would look good on the outside. At the same time he didn’t have a drivers license (DWI) and I was driving him everywhere. I was an enabling him to drink. It took me a long time to see that. When a friend said to me not to feel guilty for leaving him, cause I thought he would drink more if I did and I saw him in my mind with a brown paper bag with a bottle in it on the side of the road, because it was his choice to drink I am not the one to put that bottle in his hand and say go drink. All of a sudden it went bingo and I packed my bags and left. Because of him my children were in Forster care and the situation was really really bad. So get a way from him at least for as long as he is drinking. I am sure you have friends with whom you can stay for the time being till you get a job and are on your own feet. Maybe he will come around, stop drinking and start taking care of things. But I would not go back until he has proven himself to you. There are better men out there than that. I know I am going through a difficult time right now myself, but he is a good man and I just didnt know how to do the things that Rori is teaching and I am hoping to work it out cause he is worth it. However in your case and I have been there with the drinking all I can say is get out and start over. If I can do it you can too and trust me it was difficult for me I actually lived in my car for a while. Men like that will undermine your confidence and I got a big boost of that back when I was in a small pageant and won the state and nationals. Boy did that make me feel good and at the same time he lost his hold on me and got mean. That’s when I left and for the first time in a long time I felt free and it felt good even though I was poor (I lived on 150 bucks a month at the time) That was over 12 years ago and even then 150 bucks was nothing at all but I made it with the help also of some friends.



  206.  #206Uschi on September 24, 2009 at 8:40 am

    Rori,
    I think I have made a little bit of progress, and I see some changes in him however small. However, there is something I really really want. I suspect there in some way that other woman I was talking about at first is still around though I get the feeling he is not into it that much anymore (I could be wrong) How can I reintroduce sex/love making back into our relationship. I am not sure that feeling messages would do it and I think saying “I feel horny” is a bit too direct. He used to shrug away when I just touched him and he hasn’t been doing that lately when I made a small gesture of just rubbing over his back or something when I let him know that I understood something or along those lines. How can I take it further? He also been sleeping more in the bed instead of on the couch. I feel those are small positive signs. Maybe I am trying to rush it but darned “I am horny” and I don’t want to satisfy that in a circular dating situation cause I feel cheating would be the worst thing I could do and I am not comfortable with that. Besides it would just be a sexual thing and not making love. He will be leaving tomorrow and do his research for 2 weeks and I don’t know if that woman is gonna be there or not and actually I am not sure if I care as long as I see some of those positive things he is doing however small they are. is there anything I could do so it may happen between now and tomorrow evening? Any help on that would be sooooooooooooooooooooo greatly appreciated.
    Uschi



  207.  #207Rori Raye on September 24, 2009 at 9:39 am

    Jo, Welcome…and it seems to me you’re doing quite brilliantly answering your own question!! Just keep going, using the Tools, and it will get clear to you. Look into the future and imagine what it is you really want and how you want it to feel. Love, Rori



  208.  #208Rori Raye on September 24, 2009 at 10:15 am

    Breanna, a man can not “lead” you anywhere you don’t want to go, unless there’s something wrong in your own systems. You sound to me in the throes of obsession. It’s a “junkie” thing. Please approach this as you would an addiction (perhaps this is why you’ve lost your friend) — and heal yourself. Get away from this man if he’s off limits. Love, Rori



  209.  #209Uschi on September 24, 2009 at 6:44 pm

    Can anyone tell me about the dance position. Read about it and really would like to know more mentioned in an earlier post too



  210.  #210Daria on September 25, 2009 at 12:56 am

    Uschi – have you seen the Front Page Post? Rori used your comment!!! Wow



  211.  #211Jo on September 25, 2009 at 4:06 am

    Thank you Rori for coming back to me. I have been reading all the posts and it’s great to be able to be amongst such vibrant women who are on a quest to to be happier in themselves and in there relationships.

    I have been asking myself some serious questions recently and i have given myself a firm kick up the backside.

    Questions are. Am I happier when i am around him. Answer.. no i feel confused and unsure.
    Do I feel we have a future. Answer… No because he can’t seem to look further than his own needs, wants and gains.
    Does he have both feet in this relationship. Answer… No
    Would i call him if i needed help with anything or support. Answer… No
    Is the physicall attraction fading for me. Answer… yes because i now see him as a very weak person.
    Am i to blame for this relationship failing. Answer… yes because i forgot who i really was and focused all my love, time and affection on him. Not healthy.

    The main question I ask myself is why does a street smart, intelligent, attractive women choose to give her love, time and loyalty to guys who are so shallow and emotionally screwed and unable to ride beside me. Instead these men jump in and out of my life on there space hoppers ready to take my kindness, love and support and then bounce of again. More fool me.

    After a few months of reading Rori’s advice, comments etc I have been reminded of the girl i used to be, and i really liked her. I have now found her again. I have also just read Marie Forleo’s book “Make Every Man Want You” it actually is a book giving a life changing lesson in loving yourself inside and out and therefore you draw to yourself more positive relationships, its brilliant.

    So I have decided to think of myself, what i want and what makes me happy. I have told my current partner that we have different ideas about what defines a relationship. That I can’t be with someone who thinks its acceptable to call me horrible names in jest, that trys to screw with my mind through there own insecurities, that at 45 is still tied to his mother, that drifts into hateful nasty moods for no reason and is still i believe hung up on there ex. I have now got stronger and thrown the rose coloured spectacles in the cat litter tray. All these things have made him less attractive to me emotionally and physically. Someone else can put up with his suitcases of baggage because i dont have the room.

    I am very fortunate to have some wonderful things in my life that i have neglected due to trying to please the unpleasable. Great friends, supportive family a reasonable job, my health, financial independence ( although a struggle), the ability to laugh at myself and my sanity. Thank god.

    I have made plans that revolve around me for this weekend, and i am looking forward to it. I know that i won’t be have to be wondering why he hasn’t called me or wont answer me. I wont have to wonder if he is going to sulk when i jump on stage and start signing on the karaoke. I wont get upset when we are out because he disappears to another pub because he can’t be bothered to wait for me. I wont waste my time cooking a Sunday dinner when he would rather eat with his mummy.

    I value myself so much more and unless he can start to value himself and me, then i am not wasting my energy on this anymore.

    Have a great weekend ladies, i am off to get a jam doughnut and a cup of coffee. xxxxxx



  212.  #212Uschi on September 25, 2009 at 7:45 am

    Daria, I don’t have a link to the front page and haven’t found it yet.Could you post it for me please.



  213.  #213Uschi on September 25, 2009 at 11:53 am

    Rori,
    well, back to my post somewhere above. He is not leaving until sometime tomorrow morning due to weather conditions that would make it difficult do skipper though a canal that has a lot of heavy commercial traffic and he needs to travel it to get where he is going or otherwise face going out into the Atlantic. I would like to figure out something that could happen this evening. Spending time together, communication, etc. me maybe getting in some more feeling messages or just in some way of reconnecting more. I would like to do or say something that makes an impact in some way that will be on his mind while he is gone without me leaning forward in any way.
    What would be a good thing to say for him to kind of take notice. While he will be gone for those 2 weeks I will work on me and loving me more and all those things you talk about. Working with your book more too. (and of course the house) I feel like I am at a stand still, and though he has shown a small improvement in the way he interacts with me I want to see more, FEEL more. I feel the need of some more results for reconnection before he leaves tonight. Some small thing that makes him lean towards me while I am leaning back. Help what can I say?

    When I look back, in some way I have been leaning back, whenever he wanted to do his hobby and I let him do it, figuring if I let him do it and not nag about it he’ll be happy and in the process and over time we lost the connection. So he got what he wanted and I didn’t get what I wanted. My fault because of course I didn’t know how to get something across to him in feelings messages and I resented him for having what he wanted. In further thinking I also believe that his griping about the way I kept house and my stuff is a surface thing and there is something more underneath it. He actually was talking to me in feeling messages himself, when we had “discussions” about it by him saying ‘I felt unsupported by you because you didn’t do this or that’. I believe now that if I had loved myself more, got in touch with my feelings, respecting myself, the housekeeping and other stuff would have taken care of itself because I would have respected myself and the surroundings I live in. Feels funny to write that I kinda feel like smacking myself in the head just about now for being so stupid. Yet to get the energy to do everything I need to do and I have done some already, I also feel I need something else, some positive sign from him. I know it is all about me and loving me and taking care of me etc. but when it all comes right down to it, it is about us, about him too because he is a good man and I am loving myself by being with a good man, just that we have let things get away from us and me not knowing how to be a GIRL or a WOMAN. After all this is a relationship and its 2 human beings who love each other (I truly believe he still does deep down or things would be much different). A woman, now matter how much she takes care of herself, loves herself, still needs a man to fulfill some needs and I am not talking about the sexual needs alone. I have known many women in my life who took excellent care of themselves, were independent, self-sufficient and quite successful in their job, unmarried and no man in their lives cause they said they didn’t need one, they could take care of themselves, but in all cases they were lonely and always looking for something that was missing. And, in all cases they had failed relationships ended up hating men, and I now believe it is for the things they didn’t know, the things that you Rori are teaching.
    I am ever so thankful that I came across Rori’s page and this blog. I just hope it all works out with my man.



  214.  #214Uschi on September 25, 2009 at 12:07 pm

    Daria,
    never mind found the page DUH LOL



  215.  #215Daria on September 25, 2009 at 1:01 pm

    JO…

    great job. I read Marie’s book too and I liked it.

    #1 rule DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP

    ie (no kick in the pants. No I am to blame for this (or anything). FEEL the icky feeling of guilt, anger, desperation or whatever. Tell it “the feeling” you love it,and you love you. BUT DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP.

    As Rori says.. PUT THAT HAMMER DOWN.

    Love

    Daria



  216.  #216Uschi on September 25, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    I think I screwed up! Incredible as this may sound – at least to me cause he blew me away AGAIN – leaving tomorrow for two weeks, as most of you know – he came upstairs and asked me if he should stop the mail while he was gone, saying that he was thinking it may be too much for me and I wasn’t getting all that much mail as it is. What the heck is that all about I just don’t get it, he has gone for more than one trip the most recent one in August for 2 weeks and he never asked me if I could handle the mail. I am at a total loss here and don’t know at all what this is about or what it means. However, I think I screwed up, I did lean back but let him know that it wasn’t a problem before and wouldn’t be on now. Maybe I should have said I leave that up to you however you want to handle that but that thought came to me too late. But this just kind of baffled me that he would even ask me such a thing, and it felt confusing and I am still confused, and so I may have acted not quite right. So then he asked me to please make sure that the papers are taken out of the driveway so his boss wouldn’t have a fit if they stack up. I just told him not to worry.
    Does anyone have a clue to this thing and why he would out of the clear blue sky ask me about something he never even gave thought to before.
    Still looking to figure out how something could happen tonight the last evening we have together before he goes and I would really like it if he would spend at least some time with me instead of sitting in front of his PC downstairs.



  217.  #217Simply Shannon on September 25, 2009 at 2:20 pm

    Uschi: I’m wondering if he asked because he wants to take care of you while he’s gone. Not a bad thing. Maybe you could go downstairs and say “I just wanted to tell you I feel cared for when you think of things to help me out, like stopping the mail while you’re gone. I really appreciate that. I’m really going to miss you being here.”

    Just from the comments above about hugging and not getting affection, it seems to me that maybe there’s a way to flirt our way into some affection and not be leaning forward. And I hope my comments to Uschi isn’t considered being forward. I would just like a way to be soft about things and open up so I’m the Invitation so many have mentioned. I feel a little closed off about that and wonder if it’s me getting in my own way around the affection thing. Like maybe I feel angry because I’m not being touched and that is manifesting itself in not being touched. I hope that makes sense.



  218.  #218Uschi on September 25, 2009 at 2:46 pm

    Shannon, thanks for your comment, you could be right however I am still baffled though.
    About the flirting; I forgot how to flirt if I ever knew how to do it and then how do you flirt yourself with a man you have been living with for a bit over 8 years to get some affection and leaning back at the same time. I been leaning back and very open and receptive to his male energy but especially to affection. I yearn for a hug, a kiss and yea some lovemaking too but not sure if I should give that sex-part just yet after everything. Maybe with that I should wait till we are more stable again within our relationship. But a hug alone can mean just soooooooooooooooooooooooo much



  219.  #219Flipper on September 25, 2009 at 2:51 pm

    That feels like a good approach to me, Simply Shannon – it feels light, non directive but sincere. Yet Uschi’s situation (and mine) feels like such a paradox: not to hold to a particular result and still feel such yearning for results.



  220.  #220Simply Shannon on September 25, 2009 at 3:06 pm

    Isn’t it authentic to say “it would feel so good to be hugged” or “I miss being touched”? This is where I get things crossed between leaning forward and leaning back. I know in my head that I’m directing the outcome. Just not sure how to go about this either. I feel bad Uschi. I know you feel a sense of urgency since he’s leaving tomorrow. I feel confused about this as well. For me, when I’m not touched, I feel unwanted and if I end up asking to be touched (no matter how I say it), my brain thinks he’s just doing it because I “asked”. A conundrum to say the least!

    Rori: HELP! 🙂



  221.  #221Uschi on September 25, 2009 at 6:25 pm

    Well, in a way I think he knows that I need affection cause I did let him know of it in one of our previous discussions, but that was before I started reading this blog and got Rori’s book. So does anyone know how to flirt with someone you have been living with for a long time. I have never even really flirted in my life and if I did I don’t know that I did it LOL. And Flipper you are right, it is difficult. In some of the emails she sends around about her book she speaks of over night results but they are not especially not in a situation like mine or yours. Rori is talking circular dating and in a way I am doing it by being open to men and leaning back to just see what happens, but maybe they know somehow that I am not available cause I don’t really get any results and I am wearing a ring not even a real one a CZ that my daughter once had from an X boyfriend from high school LOL and I had it reset in real gold cause the stone is really nice looking but the original setting was prob. just gold coated cause it wore off and felt rough so I had it reset.
    So anyway I am still asking how do you flirt with a man that you been living with for a while.
    Something else I feel I need to say. I always believed things happen for a reason. I could have come across Rori probably years ago (don’t know how long her blog has been up or how long her book has been out) however I didn’t and when I was married to my alcoholic husband or my first husband I would have used her help and it would have broken up anyway and I know why now. However her coming “in to my life” or me finding her on the web now, kind of makes me believe too that this relationship is meant and hopefully it came in time to rescue this one cause he is worth it and so is this relationship. For many of you out there who are so much younger than I am it is good that you learn this now and not go through toxic men like I did before.

    He went to see his daughter tonight and said he be back later but it could very well be that he decides to go to the boat after he drops her off at her place so my evening with his would be shot to hell. He has done that before and if he does it this time I will need some advice on how to handle that when he comes back.



  222.  #222Uschi on September 25, 2009 at 7:53 pm

    Well another change of plans, he wont be able to leave till late Monday night or Tuesday morning, cause of the weather and the wind. I have a feeling this whole trip might be canceled and done some other time cause the Delaware bay is not easy and the weather looks bad for at least half of next week so he wont be able to start scanning till Wed. Takes 2 days to get up there with the boat at about 7 knots an hour.

    And that gives me time to do some more leaning back and implement some more feelings etc and maybe get some results. Girls help me a bit with the flirting thing and how to get him to actually spend some time with me instead of the PC

    I feel pretty happy right now that he will be around some more and I have more time, yet insecure cause I am still quite new at this feelings and leaning back thing. While he is still out with his daughter I am doing some ME time like doing my hair and taking a nice long hot bath and using my favorite perfumed cream.

    Daria,
    just want to know real quick have you started with the WOW (world of war craft) yet – you probably laugh at me but I am testing some of those feelings messages in game cause I have made a lot of “friends’ in the game and in my guild – there are many players at my age and some are even older – there is even a guild called Old Farts of WoW LOL aside from all teh kids that play it too this game has a lot to offer for all ages – anyway I have been using some of Rori’s system with the guys in the game cause you do make friendly and get close especially when your raid together and talk on vent. I am amazed at how SOME guys respond to feeling messages you can actually feel how they respond in the in game chat and even more so over vent. (Vent = ventrilo a small program that some guilds have to be able to talk instead of type-chat in game it helps with raids and dungeons a lot) There are situations pretty much like in real life where you could get angry, upset, down or happy because of other players actions, behavior or achievements and things being said or done. And feelings happen no matter what or where. Rori is probably shaking her head when she reads this and would have never thought of this as some type of circular dating but it does work to some degree. I also find it easier because not that much is really riding on this like in my real relationship in real life. It doesn’t matter if I mess up and accidentally lean forward falling into an old habit and there is time to think about it later and kind of file the incident away for real life reference Actually when you think about it not much different from internet dating with email and text messaging or IM’ing. I also know of at least 3 couples who met in game liked each other decided to meet and got married. WOW Let me know if you decide to start this game I’d be happy to help you get started.

    Uschi



  223.  #223Mary on September 25, 2009 at 10:17 pm

    Hi Rori,

    My story actually began when my daughter left for college and I experienced a sustained feeling of loss, and sadness. Although I didn’t even know that was what was happening.
    After she had been gone for three years and moved into her own apartment and not even coming home much at all any more, I decided it was time to go out and find a boyfriend.
    It happened pretty much as soon as I decided this. I met a guy who really seemed to click with me. Our sense of humor was fun together and all the kinds of things that one finds in common that usually add up to some sort of connection.
    The thing is, he told me from the beginning that he was just in it for fun and not to expect anything too serious. I thought that that was something I could handle, and I also thought that if it happened that we spent more time together and got closer that things would naturally progress if they were allowed to.
    We were basically connected at the hip. Long short, I thought we were getting cloer and more comfortable with each other.
    There were two times he pulled back. Said he didn’t want a “relationship” I questioned it, but basically knew I couldn’t stp him from living his life and said ok.
    He would never stop calling, texting or coming over for sex.
    I thought he was just testing me by pulling back to see if I would get needy or whatever, and let him work it out.
    But after a few more months of him still making dates and seeing me and spending weekends and holidays with me, suddenly he tells me he doesn’t want to have sex with me any more.
    That he wasn’t available any more for me.
    That he needed to concentrate on work and we could still see each other every once and a while because he really liked me, but he could not be as available.
    I cried and told him that would be hard for me, but ok.
    He continued to call etc, and come over like nothing happened… until he went missing for an entire weekend.
    It was very hard for me to come to terms with, and of course wasn’t really the issue at all.
    So now he is living with another woman, but still insisting on being friends with me.
    Only NOT…? Because he is LIVING WITH A WOMAN.

    I have gone on to “date around” I am in therapy to work on the issues that surfaced as a result of me recognizing what was happening and how unhappy I really was, and have embarked on a whole new career since that last lost weekend.
    But he still calls and texts and makes overt sexual suggestions.
    I had dinner with him the other night and realized that I am not attracted to him AT ALL, that he is insulting and doesn’t even make me laugh any more.
    I could swear it was a different man sitting across the table from me.
    I have moved on. That is big.

    I am having trouble finding a guy that actually clicks with me though. All these dates and I have not done a second one with any of them.
    Is this normal?
    Could I still harbor trust issues and not really want to jump in again?
    Or am I just being incredibly picky?
    I know one thing for sure.
    I do NOT want HIM.
    But where do I begin again?

    Thank you Rori



  224.  #224Flipper on September 26, 2009 at 4:47 am

    I feel Circular Dating’s Anywhere you can make it, and re World of Warcraft, I’d rather imagine Rori bobbing her head up and down in Agreement, for all the reasons you described, Uschi. One of the benefits of circular dating, after all, is the practice at learning to Feel the difference between men who CAN and men who CAN’T do relationship – exactly as shown by your observation. I’d also imagine that some of your exchanges in WoW are rather flirty, no? Can you ‘recycle’ some of that into your love context?

    I’m not much of a flirter, either, tho’ sometimes I surprise myself when fun stuff comes out. Right now I’m struggling with clamming up just when I have good opportunities to talk with guys during the couples dances at the folkdancing places I go to. In my head, I’ve been going “je me sens…” (‘I feel’ in the language I use here) to try to kickstart something, but mostly I come up with ’embarassed’ about stepping on toes, or not following well or not knowing the steps well enough (or too-well with beginner partners), and that feels like putting myself down. Don’t want to go there. And things I’ve thought of about their dancing feel like judgments, even when they’re good things (who am I to ‘approve’ their capabilities or style?). Lightbulb: I wrote ‘thought of’ – that must be a clue. Sometimes I drift off to feel dreamier and hope a feeling word comes up, and bam! I miss the beat and have to scramble to get back in step!

    So, I’m still trusting in the Universe to work this out for me, and feel encouraged that She seems to be sending you some adverse weather conditions in your favor. If this can happen to you, it can happen to me. I can ‘make’ it happen, in a receiving, girly way. Yes I can. (the weather here has been holding at unusually mild, so I get to practice tonight AND tomorrow afternoon at dances outdoors along the river.)

    As for how to encourage sexual advances from a partner, I seem to remember a post Rori did, probably sometime before summer (i.e. Sep to June?), on that very subject. About BEing an invitation? In a subtle but clear, lean-back way? Sorry I can’t be more specific. Had no one to practice with at the time (for lack of a partner unfortunately, not because things were stuck with one in that department) – so I can’t share any experience that would help jog my memory of exactly when that post came out.

    I feel a lot of resonance with your posts, Uschi (tho’ a world away from WoW – I’m glad Daria can relate to that with you).



  225.  #225tinque on September 26, 2009 at 9:54 am

    “‘For me, when I’m not touched, I feel unwanted and if I end up asking to be touched (no matter how I say it), my brain thinks he’s just doing it because I “asked”. A conundrum to say the least!”

    Shannon – Especially in the early stages of a relationship or if you (the collective you) are insecure and find validation through touch or sex (I have been here, and probably could easily revisit this place if the situation ever arose again), it’s difficult to really gauge the true state of the relationship. When a man withdraws, it’s more often than no nothing to do with you. It’s work or his finances, or he doesn’t feel well or something like this.
    It is perfectly OKAY and not leaning forward to say, “I miss you. I miss feeling close to you.” He may very well not respond right away, chances are he won’t, yet the seed has been planted and furthermore, this simple NOT LEANING FORWARD declaration can act as a sort of wake up call, as a way to shake him out of “his mood”.
    xxoo



  226.  #226Uschi on September 26, 2009 at 11:06 am

    Flipper,
    I’d love for Rori to tell me if she was shaking her head, bobbing it up and down or sit there and laugh her butt silly over this WOW thing. But let me give you an example. There is this one guy whom I met in there over a rare that he killed a dragon (rares drop better loot) Vyragosa. I have an add on that tells me if rares are near by so I can find them – everyone is after those rares especially Time lost Proto Drake cause he drops a mount every time. There are rare pets too hunters can tame I got two of them working on a third. But anyway he and I started talking and then questing together and every now and then lately a little well – hmmmmmmmmmm risque talking and maybe acting it out just for the fun of it. I don’t feel this is cheating and since Rori’s advice on circular dating this is the thing I feel comfortable with. Anyway every now and then he gets a coarse hair up his butt and puts me on ignore when he feels I should be there for him and help him with some quests. I then used to go over to one of my other toons (not on ignore) and read him the riot act, Well, since I read this blog and Rori’s book the last time this happened I went over to my other toon and just typed “I feel abandoned” He typed back
    well how do you think I felt when you didn’t do the one quest with me (a big boss to kill with 302 health points that also drops a mount but less often and only there during that game holiday). I then explained to him that it was impossible for me to get a group together for it and I only took invites to dungeons (big places in which you fight with a group) when he wasn’t on line and then told him that I felt he was being rather childish and then I stopped talking to him. logged off and went back to my hunter toon which he still had on ignore. Then the next morning I get this bright cheery in capital letters GOOD MORNING from him, I said the same back and nothing else (leaning back in a games way LOL) All of a sudden this short worded not very talkative texan big male started talking telling me where ppl needed help with a particular quest (ppl do pug meaning getting help from outside their guild) what he was planing to do in game for the day what chores he had to do at home etc etc etc and if I would consider doing a quest with him later in the day. It was almost like he was trying to say sorry without having to say I AM SORRY.
    That was after I started reading this blog and before I bought the e-book from Rori.
    To be quite honest with you when I first started looking on the internet to get some help with my situation here with my man I found a lot of things offered with big promises made and then I looked at the prices etc or checked in to maybe a coaching hour and with the exception of Rori’s blog wont even give you the time of day without you having your credit card in hand. Then I came across Rori’s page and then her blog and it was different and on top of that I liked her picture and I looked into it some more, posted my problem and got a personal answer from her. So before buying I started trying by reading Rori’s blog and later used some of what I read there in game figuring that’s a way of circular dating (virtual circular dating) and seeing if what she recommends works for me. I am sure Rori understand where I am coming from, with not spending money till I knew what I am getting and if it is the right thing for me.
    Anyway when I noticed the difference in reaction I was getting to putting out feeling messages instead of my usual thing, that’s when I bought the book and started using it fully with my man, I had started testing the waters a little bit with him also while reading the blog too but very carefully and just leaning back. The leaning back advice reminded me of something a friend of my mothers said once when I was just a teenager and had this puppy love for a guy – she said “A man doesn’t want anything that is freely offered to him, he needs to pursue, he needs the hunt and he needs to capture only then are you worth something to him. I had not totally forgotten about that but didn’t think that once I was
    captured” I still needed to lean back and let him have the feeling of being a man that can lean forward and be masculine. It was as Rori said in one of her posts and not sure if I am quoting her or not that once I had him or he had me I had to show how good I was in taking care of him, show him what all I could do, prove myself to him and what I was worth and that I was a great woman that could do all that and take care of all that and be superwoman. Which writing this brings to mind an incident however small it was but thinking back on it I now see where I went wrong so many times. He had in chasing the cat, to prevent him from going down to the basement, spilled some coffee on the floor and I said ‘Don’t worry I clean it up’, already having a rag in my hand. And he got grumpy grabbed the rag out of my hand and said ‘I can do it myself.’ We almost had a fight over that, but I wasn’t in the mood for fighting so I let it go and I walked away and I felt guilty. Stupid right, but I felt guilty for having the cat (I had the cat before I met him) he isn’t too crazy about cats he loves dogs and gave me a black lab for my 51t birthday that I had wanted for my 50th.
    Anyway I felt guilty, I think I felt guilty for him spilling his coffee cause if it hadn’t been for the cat it wouldn’t have gotten spilled in the first place, and I felt guilty for loving my cat the way I do. If this would happen now I would tell him how that made me feel.
    Remembering another incident before we started having problems years ago. We were at the boat and he was puttering around fixing and repairing things, fuel filter changing etc. and this marina dog a little beagle that everyone loved decided to spend the night with us (smart dog I love him he is still around) While Dave was puttering around I went to bed, and Bingo (the dog) decided to cuddle up next to me. Sometime in the middle of the night I woke half way heard Dave come down below sensed him looking at the bunk heard him sigh and stomp off the boat. He went to the car to lay down but then he saw me coming up cause I wanted to see what was wrong, he came back went to the bunk and went to sleep. Next day after figuring out that he was frigging jealous of the dog being cuddled up to me where he apparently wanted to be. I told him after the tension had subsided a bit that I felt he was jealous of the dog being next to me where HE wanted to be and that he could have just moved the dog to the other bunk. It was like I pricked a balloon and all the tension went out of his face and he looked a bit caught and deflated and a bit guilty and embarrassed too. Embarrassed I think because he realized that he had acted a bit childish.
    It makes me realize and feel it as a real thing that like Rori said, when you first fall in love you are open, you are not afraid and you trust a lot more in the other person but then as time goes on you want to keep it nice, stuff things down, don’t talk about it, don’t rock the boat, and I almost want to say become dishonest by not opening up not sharing your feelings and just keeping things inside, because you love him want to keep him don’t want him to think you are weak or a nagging bitch etc etc etc. And then you start nagging about stupid stuff that really doesn’t matter all that much. That’s when things starting to fall apart.
    Rori, maybe you said all that on other posts in different words etc. but me writing my thoughts down reflecting back and seeing for the first time with different eyes now what went on kind of is the light bulb (and maybe the same as yours) that pops on over my head or in my brain. That light bulb is horribly bright, and I find myself kind of closing my eyes to that bright light a bit and just looking at it through the slits of my eyes and letting my eyes get used to it over a bit of time. I need to let it in slowly or I will be overwhelmed, I have to work with it slowly or I will be confused. Also I find myself wanting to stay in the shadows a bit where it is comfortable because this light signifies big change, and I am not all that comfortable with change, but I am facing it already and seeing small changes that it makes within me.
    Its like getting rid of an old pair of really, really comfortable shoes and putting on a new pair that still need walking in – I am the shoes. Sometimes I am just still picking up those old shoes cause they still feel good yet at the same time you know you gotta get rid of them. Is there a point where you actually throw them away or do you just forget to put them on over time and they kind of stay in the closet forgotten. I think when that time comes I will keep them there as a reminder of the old (me) and to never slip into that again.

    Flipper,
    about the dancing you really don’t need to feel like the lone ranger there. I would have love to learn how to dance (especially ballroom dancing I find that so elegant) and it does belong to a proper education in Germany that the boys and the girls learn how to dance but my mom wouldn’t let me attend cause it cost money. So when I was asked to dance when out at some place I usually turned the request down cause I didn’t want to feel like a fool and unless it was a friend whom I knew and he knew that I wasn’t really good at dancing I wouldn’t dance. At the same time I don’t like that hopping around dancing. Even at my age I would still like to learn how to properly dance and glide elegantly over a dance floor doing a Waltz or even a Tango. But again the money is missing to take some classes.

    I have looked but not found a post on reinstalling sex into a relationship and it is really something I want to do. I was watching earlier with Dave an episode of Nanny where she is trying to entice her boss into having sex with her. I said that thought Nanny was manipulating and he said looking at me almost challenging “So?” Meanwhile I sat in the chair leaning back watching it with him hoping he would kinda get the invitation cause I made a point of uncrossing my legs but not knowing how to really go about it I felt uncomfortable and awkward and stopped and I don’t think he noticed it anyway.



  227.  #227Uschi on September 26, 2009 at 11:09 am

    Flipper,
    I’d love for Rori to tell me if she was shaking her head, bobbing it up and down or sit there and laugh her butt silly over this WOW thing. But let me give you an example. There is this one guy whom I met in there over a rare that he killed a dragon (rares drop better loot) Vyragosa. I have an add on that tells me if rares are near by so I can find them – everyone is after those rares especially Time lost Proto Drake cause he drops a mount every time. There are rare pets too hunters can tame I got two of them working on a third. But anyway he and I started talking and then questing together and every now and then lately a little well – hmmmmmmmmmm risque talking and maybe acting it out just for the fun of it. I don’t feel this is cheating and since Rori’s advice on circular dating this is the thing I feel comfortable with. Anyway every now and then he gets a coarse hair up his butt and puts me on ignore when he feels I should be there for him and help him with some quests. I then used to go over to one of my other toons (not on ignore) and read him the riot act, Well, since I read this blog and Rori’s book the last time this happened I went over to my other toon and just typed “I feel abandoned” He typed back
    well how do you think I felt when you didn’t do the one quest with me (a big boss to kill with 302 health points that also drops a mount but less often and only there during that game holiday). I then explained to him that it was impossible for me to get a group together for it and I only took invites to dungeons (big places in which you fight with a group) when he wasn’t on line and then told him that I felt he was being rather childish and then I stopped talking to him. logged off and went back to my hunter toon which he still had on ignore. Then the next morning I get this bright cheery in capital letters GOOD MORNING from him, I said the same back and nothing else (leaning back in a games way LOL) All of a sudden this short worded not very talkative texan big male started talking telling me where ppl needed help with a particular quest (ppl do pug meaning getting help from outside their guild) what he was planing to do in game for the day what chores he had to do at home etc etc etc and if I would consider doing a quest with him later in the day. It was almost like he was trying to say sorry without having to say I AM SORRY.
    That was after I started reading this blog and before I bought the e-book from Rori.
    To be quite honest with you when I first started looking on the internet to get some help with my situation here with my man I found a lot of things offered with big promises made and then I looked at the prices etc or checked in to maybe a coaching hour and with the exception of Rori’s blog wont even give you the time of day without you having your credit card in hand. Then I came across Rori’s page and then her blog and it was different and on top of that I liked her picture and I looked into it some more, posted my problem and got a personal answer from her. So before buying I started trying by reading Rori’s blog and later used some of what I read there in game figuring that’s a way of circular dating (virtual circular dating) and seeing if what she recommends works for me. I am sure Rori understand where I am coming from, with not spending money till I knew what I am getting and if it is the right thing for me.
    Anyway when I noticed the difference in reaction I was getting to putting out feeling messages instead of my usual thing, that’s when I bought the book and started using it fully with my man, I had started testing the waters a little bit with him also while reading the blog too but very carefully and just leaning back. The leaning back advice reminded me of something a friend of my mothers said once when I was just a teenager and had this puppy love for a guy – she said “A man doesn’t want anything that is freely offered to him, he needs to pursue, he needs the hunt and he needs to capture only then are you worth something to him. I had not totally forgotten about that but didn’t think that once I was
    captured” I still needed to lean back and let him have the feeling of being a man that can lean forward and be masculine. It was as Rori said in one of her posts and not sure if I am quoting her or not that once I had him or he had me I had to show how good I was in taking care of him, show him what all I could do, prove myself to him and what I was worth and that I was a great woman that could do all that and take care of all that and be superwoman. Which writing this brings to mind an incident however small it was but thinking back on it I now see where I went wrong so many times. He had in chasing the cat, to prevent him from going down to the basement, spilled some coffee on the floor and I said ‘Don’t worry I clean it up’, already having a rag in my hand. And he got grumpy grabbed the rag out of my hand and said ‘I can do it myself.’ We almost had a fight over that, but I wasn’t in the mood for fighting so I let it go and I walked away and I felt guilty. Stupid right, but I felt guilty for having the cat (I had the cat before I met him) he isn’t too crazy about cats he loves dogs and gave me a black lab for my 51t birthday that I had wanted for my 50th.
    Anyway I felt guilty, I think I felt guilty for him spilling his coffee cause if it hadn’t been for the cat it wouldn’t have gotten spilled in the first place, and I felt guilty for loving my cat the way I do. If this would happen now I would tell him how that made me feel.
    Remembering another incident before we started having problems years ago. We were at the boat and he was puttering around fixing and repairing things, fuel filter changing etc. and this marina dog a little beagle that everyone loved decided to spend the night with us (smart dog I love him he is still around) While Dave was puttering around I went to bed, and Bingo (the dog) decided to cuddle up next to me. Sometime in the middle of the night I woke half way heard Dave come down below sensed him looking at the bunk heard him sigh and stomp off the boat. He went to the car to lay down but then he saw me coming up cause I wanted to see what was wrong, he came back went to the bunk and went to sleep. Next day after figuring out that he was frigging jealous of the dog being cuddled up to me where he apparently wanted to be. I told him after the tension had subsided a bit that I felt he was jealous of the dog being next to me where HE wanted to be and that he could have just moved the dog to the other bunk. It was like I pricked a balloon and all the tension went out of his face and he looked a bit caught and deflated and a bit guilty and embarrassed too. Embarrassed I think because he realized that he had acted a bit childish.
    It makes me realize and feel it as a real thing that like Rori said, when you first fall in love you are open, you are not afraid and you trust a lot more in the other person but then as time goes on you want to keep it nice, stuff things down, don’t talk about it, don’t rock the boat, and I almost want to say become dishonest by not opening up not sharing your feelings and just keeping things inside, because you love him want to keep him don’t want him to think you are weak or a nagging bitch etc etc etc. And then you start nagging about stupid stuff that really doesn’t matter all that much. That’s when things starting to fall apart.
    Rori, maybe you said all that on other posts in different words etc. but me writing my thoughts down reflecting back and seeing for the first time with different eyes now what went on kind of is the light bulb (and maybe the same as yours) that pops on over my head or in my brain. That light bulb is horribly bright, and I find myself kind of closing my eyes to that bright light a bit and just looking at it through the slits of my eyes and letting my eyes get used to it over a bit of time. I need to let it in slowly or I will be overwhelmed, I have to work with it slowly or I will be confused. Also I find myself wanting to stay in the shadows a bit where it is comfortable because this light signifies big change, and I am not all that comfortable with change, but I am facing it already and seeing small changes that it makes within me.
    Its like getting rid of an old pair of really, really comfortable shoes and putting on a new pair that still need walking in – I am the shoes. Sometimes I am just still picking up those old shoes cause they still feel good yet at the same time you know you gotta get rid of them. Is there a point where you actually throw them away or do you just forget to put them on over time and they kind of stay in the closet forgotten. I think when that time comes I will keep them there as a reminder of the old (me) and to never slip into that again.

    Flipper,
    about the dancing you really don’t need to feel like the lone ranger there. I would have love to learn how to dance (especially ballroom dancing I find that so elegant) and it does belong to a proper education in Germany that the boys and the girls learn how to dance but my mom wouldn’t let me attend cause it cost money. So when I was asked to dance when out at some place I usually turned the request down cause I didn’t want to feel like a fool and unless it was a friend whom I knew and he knew that I wasn’t really good at dancing I wouldn’t dance. At the same time I don’t like that hopping around dancing. Even at my age I would still like to learn how to properly dance and glide elegantly over a dance floor doing a Waltz or even a Tango. But again the money is missing to take some classes.

    I have looked but not found a post on reinstalling sex into a relationship and it is really something I want to do. I was watching earlier with Dave an episode of Nanny where she is trying to entice her boss into having sex with her. I said that thought Nanny was manipulating and he said looking at me almost challenging “So?” Meanwhile I sat in the chair leaning back watching it with him hoping he would kinda get the invitation cause I made a point of uncrossing my legs but not knowing how to really go about it I felt uncomfortable and awkward and stopped and I don’t think he noticed it anyway, besides to be quite frank about it I am afraid of being rejected again at this point and it would undo the little bit of progress I’ve made in the past weeks become undone. After all that would be leaning forward to much.



  228.  #228Uschi on September 26, 2009 at 11:19 am

    I wanted to add to that (but had already hit the submit button) that right after watching Nanny he went right back to doing work on the computer and I went upstairs. Maybe there would have been a better way to maybe reconnect sexually after this but I wouldn’t know how without leaning forward by touching him or telling him that this is what I want and miss.



  229.  #229Rori Raye on September 26, 2009 at 1:32 pm

    Mary, Welcome, and just keep doing what you’re doing – Circular Dating. What you want to do is work out all your “issues” with real men, in real time…so you learn to use my Tools in real situations. As you get to know YOURSELF better by doing this…you’ll see…men will start to show up! Love, Rori



  230.  #230Rori Raye on September 26, 2009 at 1:45 pm

    Flipper and Uschi – here’s my take on WOW and your letters. Everything in life must be prioritized. Work, play, love, meditation, exercise… Everything needs time and ease. If you are focused on getting a real live relationship going, then you’ll want to spend all your time in real life, Circular Dating. I’d classify WOW as play. Using it, however, to learn stuff sounds fantastic, so it does double-duty. (By the way, if any of you are good with Second Life and would like to help bring Rori Raye to it…let me know…). Please just know–online, email, phone, games of all kinds are not LIFE — and the more you let your head consume the time in your life, the less practice time you can give to being present in the world where you can physically TOUCH someone. Just keep it in mind. Men online behave differently than men do in real life. that’s where to focus your practice. Love, Rori



  231.  #231Uschi on September 26, 2009 at 8:11 pm

    Rori,
    you are absolutely right about the game and it being virtual and not quite real however it kind of helps me get comfortable to use your teaching to then be more comfortable to do it in real life. Kind of like rehearsal before actually performing on stage, and a stage it is out there in more ways than one.

    On a really really bright side at least in my mind – we have not gone anywhere nice for dinner for almost a a year and tonight he came up to my room and just said “Shrimp toast?” I had mentioned a few days ago that I could smell shrimp toast (Chinese restaurant close by) then yesterday I said I am hungry but really don’t feel like cooking, each time I said it and left. Also been spending some time downstairs with him watching youtube and leaning physically back all the time – boy that office chair can lean back almost to the point of tipping over and I am not even crossing my arms in front of me to be completely open. I have to really concentrate on that.
    Anyway when we got home after dinner I gave him a kiss on the cheek and thanked him for a nice dinner and he kind of halfway put his arm around me – not a hug but a start then I just let him go to his PC and I went upstairs to kind of digest the surprise and the meal LOL – Rori you said ‘be surprised’ – and you are right.



  232.  #232Uschi on September 27, 2009 at 11:01 am

    Rori,
    I just read your Post “Get more Love by doing less” this is exactly what I did. Give and do, give and do, give and do always trying to make sure he had everything he needed and the thank yous made me happy. Always asking after a meal how it was if it was enough and I realize now I was looking for validation and love. At the same time you validated my believe that keeping a house when the woman is not working is a job. Actually more than one job combined all in one Cook, Cleaner, Window washer, Gardener, Nanny, Laundry etc. etc. (though we don’t have kids I am speaking in general here but I am the nanny of our “other children” our dog and cat) and I loved reading that you consider that a job as I always have but was told that I was wrong in this thinking and was told that a woman has to do this on top of going to work. So I have done it all and resented actually hated it.
    Then as I got with Dave I started doing the whole thing again and with both of us being at home and him working downstairs I WAS always up to help him in some way. I put WAS in capital letters cause that is gonna change. With the exception of the 5000+ letter envelope stuffing and mailing in the first quarter of the year (which I did at first for free but now request payment for it) I will not offer or do anything that he can do for himself. How good it will feel now that when he irons his own shirt I wont have to feel guilty about it anymore for not being fast enough and having it ready for him for that dinner occasion or whatever, or when he does his own laundry which he has been doing for a while cause he doesn’t like the fabric softener that I insist in having on my laundry. Can anyone spell RELIEF. And yes I WAS mothering him too; – or is it smothering?
    Thanks for the ‘Rolaids’ Rori, a valuable ‘Rolaids’ from you and lets call it Roriaids. (hope some of us at least remember that advertisement on TV – kinda ages us was during the 70’s)
    I feel, a bit stupid for not knowing that, yet relieved, free, unburdened, not resentful anymore now that I know it was my fault and really it should not be called a fault cause most of us grow up learning that just that and it is what we do.



  233.  #233Maria on September 27, 2009 at 12:43 pm

    lm just feeling good! been like that couple of days.
    🙂
    will keep posted.



  234.  #234T.R. on September 28, 2009 at 12:04 am

    Hi girls,

    I am feeling confused about how to handle certain situations. I have had a lot of success with leaning back. So far, it has worked well, both in terms of me feeling better about myself and in terms of the man I am dating stepping forward. However, today I felt a little disappointed. The man I am dating asked me last night to spend the night. It is only the 3rd or 4th time in the several months that we have been dating, I did and it was great to fall asleep with him. When I woke up, he asked me if I wanted to hang out later in the day, after I finished taking care of things at my place. When I returned to his place he spent the entire time on his computer playing a game. He asked what I wanted to do and I said “I don’t know”. I feel like since he asked me to hang out, he would think of something for “us” to do. Instead, I spent my time reading and he played his game. When he asked if I was mad I told him that I felt annoyed. I also explained that I understand in our small town there is not a lot to do.
    How is one to respond to being asked to hang out, then essentially being ignored? The best I could do is read my book, then leave, to do what felt good to me. I really don’t want this to happen again.
    He later told me that he felt bad, because he didn’t have money to take me out. In my eyes, we could have gone for coffee and chatted versus not interacting. That would have felt great.



  235.  #235Flipper on September 28, 2009 at 5:26 am

    For me, folkdancing/folksinging has helped a lot in getting me out into the real world in a way I can interact up close, even physically, with real people. The scene I hang out with is not about the technical precision, fancy costumes, getting to professional proficiency or winning prizes of some more-organized groups. Just people who love old, traditional music and love perpetuating the old customs of the countryside through dance. Lotsa fun and great exercise.

    It’s friendly and inclusive, newbies are pulled in and encouraged to fumble along in real time among the old hands, learning as you go. I found the same atmosphere recently in NewEngland, where they do contradancing. And in general, like here, it’s almost free (those who can make contributions to help pay and encourage the musicians, etc.) It may not be as elegant as ball-room dancing, but it doesn’t have the same pressure or commitment requirements either.

    Inexpensive or free opportunities for this (or other kinds of dance you like) may be available at community centers or through local meetup.com groups. I know several married women who have started going to various classes on their own (tango, salsa, ballroom etc) and this has definitely made their husbands perk up (don’t get hung up about a few grumbles on their part, for the form). So this sort of thing can fit into Anyone’s Circular Dating program.



  236.  #236Flipper on September 28, 2009 at 5:40 am

    I can relate, TR – I feel fine being on my own at home, and it’s weird, I’d feel Alone Going Out just to do something by myself at someone else’s place. Before Rori, I would have sidled up, made suggestions, sighed to myself. Now I’d just say, “I feel kinda ignored, and frankly, rather bored. See ya” and off I’d go.



  237.  #237Flipper on September 28, 2009 at 5:43 am

    Maybe the “frankly” would feel too blaming?



  238.  #238LostinLove on September 28, 2009 at 10:14 am

    Dear Rori,

    I am hoping you will write an e-letter on the topic of vacations and separate trips in relationships. I struggled with this in the summer but didn’t write you, and now it is coming up again in a few weeks.

    I am going on a two-week overseas trip (family marriage) and I feel so much anxiety about leaving my boyfriend. I went on one during the summer, and I felt the same…I felt like I was wrong to leave him! And I am having the same feelings again. He is also going on a trip himself during that time (it just coincidentally happened at the same time) but I am still stressing, as I will be leaving many days before him.

    You had said in an e-letter once that you have dealt with this situation in past relationships. What do I do? I want to ask him to get together over the weekend so we can say goodbye. Should I? I am definitely a propent of leaning back, so at this point, he doesn’t even really know what day I’m leaving. But it’s coming up and I really don’t know what to do. I feel crazy having to worry about this, but it’s so rare for us to be apart this long, and I am stressing about what I should do. Help!



  239.  #239Rori Raye on September 28, 2009 at 12:58 pm

    Welcome, LostinLove.–this situation has occurred many times in my life…once, a man a was living with took his new car across country and Canada for 2 weeks and I feel apart. That was the beginning of therapy and my inner work for me…so I’m grateful for that lesson. The relationship survived almost 4 more years. Much later, and still many years ago, I went with a girlfriend to Canada for 2 weeks and left my young, beautiful boyfriend behind. When I got back, things were different. He’d had time to think about the actual logistical impossibility of our relationship…and it ended two weeks later. We picked up again in 3 months (yes, he showed up) and it was a passionate, dramatic mess for almost a month before it ended. Now, my husband has traveled for business, to see family, and to do political work — and all that happens is I ENJOY my time alone, and he gets to do things without worrying about whether I want to do them, too — like hanging out with his favorite uncle, and he misses me…and everything’s great when he gets back. So –the separation isn’t the important thing. It’s your attitude and the quality of the relationship. Don’t be afraid. Whatever you find out…it’s good to know. Love, Rori



  240.  #240Rori Raye on September 28, 2009 at 1:20 pm

    Flipper – I LOVE folkdancing…I once had a boyfriend who was magnificent at this (he was in one of the famous ensembles — and he was my karate teacher to boot) – he used to take me to all the clubs around town, and the big-room events where hundreds of us danced in a circle together…in fact…when I made that fateful trip to Santa Barbara without the man who’s now my husband…the one that turned my attitude around and got me married — I headed for a folk dance place there (no longer existing…darn…) that treated me beautifully, made me feel good, allowed me to meet men…and to DANCE!!! Love, Rori



  241.  #241Uschi on September 28, 2009 at 3:53 pm

    Well, the weekend went surprisingly well. My mostly (sometimes I still forget) seems to be doing something. He is much more relaxed around me and the invite to dinner was really something I did not expect at all. I spent some time downstairs with him cause that is where he is spending most of his time. The upstairs is not quite yet for his comfort, though it is for mine with the exception of my room which is non of his business. So if the mountain doesn’t come to me I go to the mountain and I know that is leaning forward a bit, however when I am there I am leaning back as far as I can and I am open, physically and emotionally (not 100% sure about the emotional still working on that). He seems to have enjoyed me coming down and speding time with him during which he was explaining to me about a problem he is having with his navigation program that puts certain hexadecimal numbers that are randomly generated and unique to each wreck as a identifying number to a certain position. (being hexadecimal it is almost impossible for that number to repeat itself which he wants but also wants a formula for it ha ha my brain is not that math oriented I leave that his problem) and trying to figure out how to dump the info he gets (back-end) from that program into excel to work with it. In excel the problem is to take time hh/mm/ss/ and limit the counting to 60 when pulling it down. Well we bounced that problem back and forth and I was like his sounding board to whom he could speak out loud, not really expecting an answer. I gave very few and just basically leaned back and let him talk it out. Today I figured out in excel what he wanted to do but he doesn’t know that yet. I just did it to see if it was possible. Anyway, with reading this blog and looking at some other things I am learning to approach a problem from a different perspective and I put the question to him: “I feel that I was just kind of limited in thinking, cause I didn’t open my mind to some things or is it cause like pretty much everyone I fells back onto what they know, learned and are comfortable with, as I just did with this math problem? I feel kind of frustrated with myself now cause I couldn’t see some of the solutions before by myself” of course in the back of my mind was also all of this here also. So he said: “I don’t think you should be frustrated because when I show you how else something can be done or solved you take it and run with it and take it further” Hidden compliment?
    By doing some of the things Rori is saying, in however small ways for now, I am finding out things I would never have imagined. Like how he thinks.

    On the traveling and being apart for a period of time, I am in the same situation right now he is leaving for 2 and now possibly 3 weeks and though I do not like being apart from him I can work on Rori’s teachings this time, get some things done in the house and take time for myself 100%. I will miss him and all but as much as I want sex back, our relationship back on track and all that, I feel that since I have come across this blog and Rori’s book I will need some time to wrap my mind around it completely and will use that time to do just that. Also things seem to be going better and maybe he will miss me also in some way. Absence makes the heart grow fonder – or so they say.



  242.  #242T.R. on September 28, 2009 at 5:07 pm

    Flipper,

    I think that is a great response. If it happens again, I am going to say that, because I did feel ignored. He called last night and asked to make plans with me today. I left work early to hang out and then he said he wanted to do something tonight. I am feeling frustrated. I don’t want to complain all of the time to him. This is all new to me. Most men I have dated have been very active in taking me places and doing things. He would like to (I think), but he is not as well off financially as a lot of people I have dated. We could go do more if I were willing to pay (he has never asked me to), but I don’t feel that is my place. He pursued me. He has talked about trying to find a different job, but hasn’t. I feel like for the stage we are at in our relationship, it is not my place to pay for dates, so, we don’t go out much. I know that may sound snotty, but it is truely how I feel. If a man wants to date me, then it is his job to figure out how to make that happen, not mine. I don’t feel like going out for coffee (which I have suggested in the past) is a major effort.
    Sometimes I wonder if I expect too much. But then again, going out for this small thing like coffee or for a walk does not seem like too much.



  243.  #243Flipper on September 28, 2009 at 5:08 pm

    TR (and anyone else who doesn’t want to get stuck in the ‘hanging out’ trap) : could this be a good opportunity to express what we Don’t Want ? For example, if I want to share that I didn’t want to find myself in this situation again, I might say: “I feel weird being at someone else’s house just doing something on my own. A bit lonely, too, and I don’t really like feeling this way. What do you think?”



  244.  #244Flipper on September 28, 2009 at 5:13 pm

    TR – our posts crossed, but it may still fit. And in all cases, we wa



  245.  #245Flipper on September 28, 2009 at 5:25 pm

    Sorry that flubbed. ….. In all cases, we want what we want, we feel what we feel. No apologies in order. On the contrary, what’s really good (and not just ‘nice’) is knowing what we want, don’t want and are feeling and learning how to express those things simply and honestly. Bravo TR for not paying, not offering, not suggesting and allowing him to be the man. Maybe he’s not ready or not capable, but that’s his call.



  246.  #246T.R. on September 28, 2009 at 6:12 pm

    Thank you Flipper for your encouragement!



  247.  #247Uschi on September 29, 2009 at 5:29 am

    In reading the other posts on other pages (yes still reading there is a lot and all good) does anyone have a copy of an email Rori apparently sent out called ‘Bring Him Close When You’re Angry’ or Rori could you please send this to me. I have not found it anywhere alse.
    Thank guys



  248.  #248Uschi on September 29, 2009 at 8:33 am

    Rori,
    this one if you can I really would like you to look at this and give me some advice on this.
    I have mostly gotten that leaning back now and talking in feelings to him and with that alone I feel I have made a little progress (as your post on the front page shows) Yet at the same time in my situation I still feel there are things I am holding back or stuffing down and I am not sure how to bring it up without leaning forward. Things I want to say or ask. Things that I know are basically his things, however his things gets in with my things and my things gets mixed with his. After all we are living together. Sometimes when I stop and ask myself for my feelings I come up with nothing, or as in the case over the weekend when we spent time together downstairs I just felt plain comfortable and relaxed being with him, yet wishing and feeling and wanting for more but leaning back and letting it be for now. There was no fighting, there was trying to find a solution to a problem together by talking about it and experimenting with software programs (Excel and Map-tech) In this case I don’t feel I was leaning forward in trying to find a solution to something that had nothing to do with us but with another entity and it was a combined effort. Yet by just doing that I felt a togetherness that we have not had in a long time. I felt it, I am not sure what he felt. I finally came up with a solution in Excel that really solved one of his problems (doing some searching on Google for the right formula and expanding it to make it work for what he needed) and though it still takes 2 programs and some editing to get it exactly as he needs it, it is now at a stage that he can use. For a while I wasn’t gonna gove it to him but in thinking and feeling it out I felt it had nothing to do with us but that in fact we were working together on something that had nothing to do with our relationship yet at the same time helped bring up feelings of togetherness. Now for them hexadecimal numbers to randomly create an id number for each wreck. Hmmmmm -grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. What I am trying to say here is that working together on a problem can also create a bond and help recreate what we once had. He at one of our arguments said that he wished I was more involved and passionate in what he is doing. Yet for the past two years or so he shut me out of just that for reasons that are unrelated to what he is doing but related to us or me – how is that for mixed messages? Yet I believe those reasons were a cover up, for something else, maybe his fear, being afraid of failure in a relationship again maybe even being afraid of feelings he had and may still have for me and rather running then confronting them and I believe he doesn’t even know that. So one one hand he wishes for me to be more passionate or interested about what he is doing and that means a lot to him, yet he is shutting me out saying it is too late for me to get into it and he feels I am not interested or passionate enough. He seems to have overlooked that I always ask how things were going and what the results of his scanning is and even offered help. This weekend was the first time in a long time that he included me again. Last year when for the first time in a while I was out on the boat with him and his like minded friends I felt like a 5th wheel. I saw the comradeship between them resulting from time they spend and experiences they had together. I literally felt it, and having to be quite honest with myself now, I reacted by withdrawing into my shell. I didn’t know then that I was doing it however, reading this blog and also your book, kind of made me look at myself, locking back and seeing how I reacted wrongly under many circumstances. Maybe if I had said then to the group as a whole that I feel a bit left out things would have changed.

    Now, I need to clarify something, cause I don’t want you to think as if I had taken up this interest because of him. I have always watched when I was younger and still in Germany Jaques Custoe (not sure if I spelled that right) documentaries as he went all over the world diving and searching. I just never thought I could get into it cause I couldn’t and still can’t swim or rather I can swim and I can breathe but I cant do both at the same time. That’s where a diving suit, a scuba tank and a mask comes in so handy for me cause with that I feel comfortable in water. Anyway, I watched those shows with fascination and kind of dreamed to go diving and finding this sunken treasure LOL. However that is not possible cause even if WE did find something like that and the likelihood of that are slim to non there are laws (special maritime and admiralty law and he was a lawyer for just that) that prevent us from bringing that stuff up and then it wouldn’t belong to us anyway. So don’t tell don’t touch meaning sport divers are prevented from getting to it and doing wreck raping and if he/we/they do find something it is mapped, measured, recorded and the data passed to ppl in authority, archeologist and the state historical board. This just to let you know that I always had an interest int this kind of stuff and also I am the type of person that will try anything at least once. I even went skydiving once a tandem dive and I now also say ‘why would anyone want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane’ knowing how to fly just never having been able to finish my pilots license. So the interest was always there I just never followed up on it till I met him and had a chance to do so.

    Up until I came across you Rori, I always felt very limited, closed in and never really part of anything and kind of standing on the sidelines. Now I get a sense of “not even the sky is the limit’ however, I am not sure what to do with all this limitlessness. I have, it seems made progress with him/us and him starting to step up to the plate however tenderly and carefully. When we first met that feeling of limitlessness was there too, and then I am not sure if he did it or if I did or if we did it together I started being on the sidelines again. I want to step off the sideline, stop cheering and I want to partake. 6 years ago we had a fight and even though there were things that led up to it it really started going wrong there and as little as two years ago he said he wished we could get back what we had, then about 2 or 3 month ago he said he didn’t have it anymore he didn’t think he could get it back and that he felt hopeless and he had given up hope. Now after implementing your tools and seeing the result of him being more open, relaxed and forthcoming in whatever small way for now, could that mean that maybe he is feeling some hope too and just kind of have that wait and see stand back attitude in order for him to kind of sort out his feelings too, maybe also being afraid of getting disappointed again. As you say men feel as much if not more so than women do. Could it be that something got triggered in him too, by me communicating in a different way and leaning back, as much as you Rori and this blog have triggered things for me?
    Quite honestly however, it has also brought about confusion for me, I feel even more insecure now at times, though my mind tells me that is to be expected when making changes within yourself, I am not always able to feel or get in tough with what I feel, and then my mind goes in overdrive trying to figure it out. I feel as if I am only touching the surface and not able to reach deep down to get at those feelings yet and I am not sure if I am afraid of reaching down or as yet still unable to do so.

    My questions to you Rori are; am I just touching my surface and if so how can I get deeper? Have I triggered something in him by communicating differently and leaning back and if so what can I say to him in a feelings way to reassure him if he is afraid of getting hurt like he has been hurt before and as I have apparently done too?



  249.  #249Rori Raye on September 29, 2009 at 11:58 am

    Uschi, keep it simple for yourself. You change things, you get different results, you feel surprised, out of your comfort zone, you feel triggered, he acts differently, he’s triggerred, your triggered, you get closer, you get scared and pull away, then you come close again. A dance of connection and emotions. Instead of trying to figure out what each dance move and jerk an glide is, what it means, and whether or not it’s good…just let the whole thing move along until something CONCRETE happens. That could be a serious action that would strengthen commitment, words coming out of his mouth…something really, really official and different. Then see how THAT FEELS. Try to stay out of analyzing and story building and story telling and story deconstructing…that’s where the problems are in the first place. Love, Rori



  250.  #250Uschi on September 29, 2009 at 4:16 pm

    Rori.
    simple, aaaaaahhh I like simple, I like easy, I like not to worry, I like easing into new things, like testing the water with the tips of my toes first before jumping in. This feels good, this feels right. I think I just need to learn how to relax and let things happen.
    Thanks Rori – you are a pearl, or a diamond, a ruby, and emerald, a saphire – well take your pick which ever you prefer.



  251.  #251Uschi on September 30, 2009 at 5:50 am

    Daria,
    reading the blog I happend to come across this you had written. What is EFT and how could I get one of those sessions? If you want you can email me directly MystiqueULH@aol.com
    hope to hear from you soon

    Daria says:
    Thanks Ann and Maria. I asked for free EFT help on another forum and a lady just did a free EFT session with me for about an hour on this, where I cried my eyes out and gave myself a big blister on my karate chop point. I feel better.



  252.  #252Daria on September 30, 2009 at 3:13 pm

    Uschi… I can help you with it, but I feel scared saying that as I am just starting out working with other people.

    I have worked with Erika with EFT. She’s really good and is certified and has had many clients. She posts often here, there are many posts on the main posts from her.

    You can contact her at erika.awakening@gmail.com

    Also you can google “EFT practitioners” and find many.



  253.  #253Maria on September 30, 2009 at 3:37 pm

    l checked one of Erika´s presentation where she also ment EFT, and l was amazed, how clearly she defined the importance of it. l belive, that with EF, we can achieve everything – happiness and abundance, and it comes to every part of your life, as well as realitionship and dating.
    Having smell of it, l admit, that ld really like to learn more about it, cos l need it. l have realized that the emotional growth, that we can experience is like also an aha-moment, which reflects and gives better results.

    oh, what l boring story….what lm sayin is that Erika, ur totally amazing.



  254.  #254tinque on September 30, 2009 at 5:00 pm

    I have to jump in here. EFT apparently works well for some, but please keep in mind that there is no such thing as a panacea. In other words there is NO cure all no matter what someone tells you.



  255.  #255Daria on September 30, 2009 at 6:01 pm

    I feel triggered and want to also jump in and say that I disagree with Tinque.

    I believe we can have whatever we want.

    So if I want to believe in a cure all or a wonderful relationship I believe I can have it.

    I feel open to sirens choosing their own beliefs about this.

    I don’t feel comfortable with general staments that if I believe them would limit my possibilities. That feels hopeless and sad to me.



  256.  #256tinque on September 30, 2009 at 6:25 pm

    Daria – It seems to me that my words are not being read as written, or maybe I have not been clear. I said that EFT CAN work for some as it seems to work for you, but it may not work for everyone. I hate to see people, women here become all starry eyed thinking all the answers to their problems can be solved with one quick fix. Even EFT can’t make that promise.
    We all find what works the best for each one of us, yet whatever that is, it does not happen overnight.
    You Daria can have whatever you want. Just as I can and anyone else on this entire planet IF we go out there and grab it. I have not said otherwise.
    You Daria are a dynamic and driven woman. You take life by the horns, and that is fabulous.
    xxoo



  257.  #257Daria on September 30, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    Tinque… to me the starry eyed feeling is something that feels good. Yes I believe my problems can be solved. It’s taht starry eyed feeling that got me to Rori, to committing to myself, to lifting up out of the gray cloud that I saw as my future and the desperate and desolate struggle I felt in my present.

    I love that feeling. And yes I do believe I can overnight solve problems with EFT. I do believe in magic. I believe in complete healing, like I am made of water, with no scars and no pain needed and flow flow flow pure fluid beautiful.

    Thank you for the compliment. It feels good to read it. You are beautiful as well, and feel safe and compassionate.

    I felt Furious reading the initial comment because it felt like a limiting belief imposed on me and I felt like rebelling. and I feel open to this coming up again and am ok with that because it will feel good for us to express ourselves.



  258.  #258Rori Raye on September 30, 2009 at 7:05 pm

    Daria, and all, re EFT…I have seen lives change overnight like magic. With many different modalities. With Somatic Experiencing, with Quantum Tracking (which I love and do with clients), with EFT, with BioK, with EmoTrance, with the Abraham vibration scale, with hypnosis…NLP, Theta DNA Healing, Voice Repatterning, my husband is going to an amazing autistic savant who has his own body-centered technique, and I can see the effects and can’t wait to try him out. Everyone’s keys are different. Everyone gets unlocked and locked differently. I used to do EFT with my workshop groups at the beginning of each group, and have the entire training program on DVD in my office. I also love NET, Matrix Energetics, Sedona Method, and shamanism…I believe. I believe in my own hybrid techniques and Tools. What you are drawn to will work best for you, no need for anyone to judge anything. What works, works. Love, Rori



  259.  #259Uschi on September 30, 2009 at 11:28 pm

    Well, he is off for his 3 week boat trip that may get cut short cause the weather just isn’t cooperating. But on the bright side – something he hasn’t done in a very very long time – kissed me good buy and even waved his coffee cup at me from the van in a good buy waving gesture – wonder how much of it he spilled LOL – as he was making final preparations putting stuff in the van I used my car to lean way back on (I gotta always remember to relax my shoulders having a hard time with that) and then when he got in the van I stood next to it but had to lean forward to hear what he was saying to me and he kind of looked at my lips though he was the one talking and didn’t have to read mine LOL so I kinda looked up and we kissed – just a light kiss noting elaborate but what an improvement from several month ago where he just took off without even saying good buy.
    So now I have 3 weeks to myself (maybe less) and gonna put them to good use.



  260.  #260Mercedes on October 1, 2009 at 7:21 am

    Tinque: I am with you on this one. We all carry so much with us for so many different reasons. Something like EFT can certainly help some people, but I don’t see it as magic or overnight. If it worked that way, people would only have to do it one time. Because we have so much, even those who use EFT are using it a lot…not just once. They’ll apply it to a VERY specific feeling or experience and, if it works for them, they feel better about that particular feeling or experience…but there is always something new to tap on. It won’t magically take it all away…and…in my opinion (and it seems yours as well)…nothing will. We work on ourselves constantly and without magical cures. I love this about life. It keeps us constantly working, learning, healing and growing. Personally, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  261.  #261tinque on October 1, 2009 at 7:51 am

    I miss so much while asleep in my new time zone.
    Daria – Okay. I understand why starry eyed would feel good. It does feel good. I feel concern though for those that set themselves for great disappointment by putting out expectations that for THEM don’t feel fulfilled for THEM.
    The way you describe starry eyed is for me like having hope and desire, yet I see in you that you also throw in a large dose of determination. You NEVER give up. This is a wonderful quality. This is how you get for you what you want, anything you want, and if these other tools help you get there all the better. But it’s you and your strength that are in play here.
    There are many that look outside themselves to be healed and don’t put in the work that healing requires.
    They don’t apply what they find to the inside where the magic really lies. This is not you.
    I have to respectfully disagree with Rori that there are instant cures. You may very well FEEL much better after a session of whatever it is that works for you, and there are many choices of modalities. I do agree and have already said that they all work, some better than others depending on the individual.
    Yet with every case I have seen with my own eyes and experienced with my own body, you still need to keep at it. I don’t want to diminish the good that EFT can do, and I’m using it here as an example. You still need to go back and tap on the issue at hand a few times, many times, and even then the issue may still linger.
    You still to shush the nasty voices every now and then. You still need to sensually meditate to maintain.
    Please hear me when I say that good can be received from all kinds of things and through many avenues, EFT included. I don’t want the uninitiated to think that one meditation will solve all their problems or one EFT session or any of the others Rori listed above.
    That’s all.
    xxoo
    I just read Miss M’s entry. She said it better maybe, more concisely.



  262.  #262Mercedes on October 1, 2009 at 8:24 am

    LOL Tinque: I was thinking when reading your post how much better you said it than I did!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  263.  #263tinque on October 1, 2009 at 8:40 am

    I guess we must be each others mutual admiration group LOL. 🙂



  264.  #264Amanda on October 1, 2009 at 9:51 am

    Hi Rori,

    I have a feeling that the answer to my question may have something to do with being completely authentic, real, and just “being”, but I’m still curious to get your take nonetheless.

    Why is it, when I’m all dressed up, smooth from head to toe, feeling and looking all sexy, warm, open and incredibly soft and feminine … that’s the time my man doesn’t even so much as lift a finger to TRY to put the moves on me physically?

    Yet, when I’m all undone, my hair’s a mess, and I haven’t shaved for a while … that’s when he’s all over me. I don’t understand. It can get rather frustrating at times, especially when I get all dolled up for a special occasion and get virtually no physical affection (this time it was our 3 year anniversary).

    I mostly get all smooth and dolled up for myself, as it makes me feel good and feminine … but it would also be nice to get some appreciation/acknowledgment from him as well.

    Is there a way to find middle ground on this? I’ve been leaning back a lot lately, it seems to be working so far.

    Would love some insight.

    Thanks!



  265.  #265Rori Raye on October 1, 2009 at 10:29 am

    Amanda – here’s my instantaneous take: all dolled up…he experiences you as untouchable…perhaps even that you’re “trying too hard.” All just relaxed…it’s just you, authentic. So – yes –I think you’ve “got it” in your first sentence…Love, Rori



  266.  #266Uschi on October 1, 2009 at 10:48 am

    AFross an email from a german group on yahoo that every now and then gets together in the DC area and there was mentioning of a black tie affair at the German embassy here for the ending of October fest that is currently going on in Munich. An email came back saying:
    In a message dated 10/1/2009 1:06:35 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, david@maritime.org writes:
    Will be offline most of the time from 1800 on Wed 30 Sep until the sea gods spit me out in mid October. In emergency try cell 301-222-4712 or hail “RVR” on marine VHF ch 16 near Lewes DE.

    That phone number is the number of the other woman that he messed around with. Though I am not too worried about that at the moment cause things did change here at home a bit to the positive since I been doing the leaning back and all and also cause she has been involved with all that archeological stuff for quite a few years now.
    I am not sure how to answer his email though and was thinking of writing:
    Know you wont be back in time – just wanted to let you know this is going on – in a way I wish we could go yet seems like I am getting away from a lot of things lately and they are just not that important anymore – there are other things I’d rather be doing
    and with that last thing I am saying I am hoping he gets the hint that I’d rather be in the boat with him though I am not saying that in the hope that he will figure that out for himself.
    I’d like to have some input on that before I am sending that email off cause I don’t wanna be leaning forward though I feel the last part is leaning back letting him figure it out – I am unsure about this – could I get some help on that please – would you word it differently – cause not only am I leaning back in our relationship but there are other things I am kind of shaking off too things from the past and all



  267.  #267Uschi on October 1, 2009 at 11:16 am

    I forgot to mention that this is the wrong number cause the prefix is a MD number but the real number is a DE number and not sure if this was an automatic answer email or if that is an on purpose “typo” cause the email went to me. Subject line does say Re: Gone, Bye and that was not what was in the subject line I sent him so it is not a direct response.
    I FEEL that this woman has not much grab on him anymore especially since things seem to have improved here at home – yet at the same time I am worried and angry too that it even went as far as that, that he felt he needed to look elsewhere to get what he needs and I was unable to give that to him. I am gonna try not to worry about her and instead work on me here while I am alone and can completely concentrate on me leaning to use those tools more effectively without having other things distracting me.
    Meanwhile I have come across a book “The seven Principals of making marriage work” by John M Gottman, Ph.D. Some of the things that he describes at the begining of the book are rather interesting especially on how he can predict divorce within talking or observing a couple in the first 5 min. Most of the things that he describes as negative aspects that would cause eventual divorce if changes are not made) we do not have in our relationship. Also I have found myself while reading the examples thinking to myself that I would say that NOW after reading and learning Rori’s tools and not what she said in the example. So I feel that I am at a stage now where I really watch myself trying not to fall into old habits.
    Anyway, girls if you have any advise in wording my email response to him please let me know – I am very greatful for all this here as it is.
    Uschi



  268.  #268Matina on October 1, 2009 at 3:35 pm

    Hi ! I have a question: After ending a very long relationship, that made me a nervous wreck, 4 years ago,(a lot of back and forth, and we kind of faded away) I am still fiding myself attached to him, even though I dont see him! I have only met just one man I liked ever since, with whom I dated twice, and he suddently stopped everything! Just when I found myself being able to say I was finally free of the past! and I was not, probably because this last attempt didnt work! Silly as I may sound, I find myself admitting I would go back to the love of my life, if he would eventhough he treated me bad!I feel stupid about all this, Either I am crazy, or my ability to love someone who would respond again is gone!Many guys seem attracted to , but all seem neutral to me! I have just started to work with your Modern Siren Programme. Any suggestions?
    Thank you
    Matina



  269.  #269Flipper on October 1, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    Uschi, in my experience, I’m rarely understood through subtle, indirect communication or hints, and it never gets me what I want. Men seem to feel it as manipulation. (Blatant, over-the-top manipulation actually seems to get much better results, for those who use it – go figure). As for what you wrote, it feels to me as if you are giving up your own stuff to either make yourself available and adaptable for others’ (him?) or that you’re becoming jaded and don’t care anymore about anything. None of that feels too attractive – what do you think?

    About the message with the weird phone number – instead of wondering and guessing, what about sending it back as is and expressing some genuine curiosity, simply, without suggesting a meaning or that it’s an error or anything at all. ‘I feel confused about this message’ ?



  270.  #270Rori Raye on October 1, 2009 at 7:35 pm

    Welcome, Matina, and so sorry you’re feeling so stuck. Modern Siren will help you tremendously…and then, when you can, get Targeting Mr. Right. In the meantime, learn all you can here about Circular Dating, and just start doing it. It will help you so much. Love, Rori



  271.  #271Uschi on October 1, 2009 at 9:26 pm

    Flipper,
    no I am not becoming jaded, it is just that some of the old things that I grew up with and some of the things I have been taught are just not applicable anymore or actually never were, its just something I knew and always fell back on and I am realizing now that it doesn’t work and really never has. That’s how Rori’s book and this blog is opening my eyes. Going to something German just would bring that closer again and make it easier for me to fall back into old habits and till I am sure I am not gonna do that anymore I am going to bypass that. So yes I am giving up some stuff for the time being to make room for better but for me not for anyone else. And the old stuff will get somehow either readjusted or will just be a memory. There is a unity of understanding with ppl from the same country and many times we talk about how we do things in our country and the way we think etc. Especially ppl from my generation who grew up with a certain way of thinking and doing, that may have never been part of this country. I really don’t want to see from any German woman how a woman is to be sub-servant to a man or husband to keep him happy and that’s how I was raised. Going to an event like this would bring all this up again and too close for my comfort after I just started getting away from that and it’s showing some results. That does not mean I am giving up being German it just means I am giving up what doesn’t work. Not sure anyway if it is just a German trait I am sure it can be found anywhere, however for me it just seems so German LOL.



  272.  #272Flipper on October 2, 2009 at 5:48 am

    Uschi, I sorta felt that about what you said and find it very insightful and useful – for You. I feel admiration and appreciation that you’re sharing all that with us here. But I just don’t feel alluding to all that, which is completely your stuff (and may interest him down the line at some point if in context), would make any sense to some guy out on a boat for a few weeks. That’s where email and texting feel like such a trap to me – I think I can get things out calmly and clearly after much editing, but when I re-read myself a few days later, even I can’t sort out the meaning of what I’m trying to say. There’s no voice tone, no eye contact or touching to communicate my mood or guage his. No context despite putting in what seemed like necessary explanations – just piles of words that seem to obliterate rather than clarify. The phone is only one step better than this, and still feels inadequate and off-putting to expressing my feelings and doing that scary part of seeing/feeling how he takes it.

    For me, a real Exchange is not likely, at least not a helpful one. The written words and their immediate effect get set in stone, however far they are from intentions or even the actual subject the writer means to convey. Many of us women tend to try communicating indirectly in the hopes of ‘allowing the other to figure it out for himself’, or ‘making it easy’ to take things in the direction they want without having to ‘hurt our feelings’ by being put on the spot. But in reality, this feels more like a stratagem to avoid revealing our true feelings and feeling vulnerable. Misunderstandings and hurt feelings are the usual result anyway, so all these precautions are false protection.

    Also, ‘explanations’ being such a turn-off, I feel it’s much more satisfying to respond in the moment, and for that we have to be in the moment, not writing about it (or a whole series of moments that may make a single scenario only in our own minds) later. The actual content of these explanations/’stories’ -see the other thread about the universe – doesn’t matter much. I feel it’s that Connection in the Moment that counts, and sometimes we just have to keep as happily busy with our stuff as we can, until those moments can physically happen.

    I wish you success in using this you-time to advance yourself towards what you want.



  273.  #273Amanda on October 3, 2009 at 12:48 pm

    Hi Rori,

    Thanks for getting back to me so quick the other day, I really appreciate it. I feel good that it seems I’m starting to pick up on your tools! 🙂

    My question for you today is a bit different. You see, I’m a Facebook user, and my login has always been set to my college email address. Always. It has never changed. My computer is also set to save my logins (just the username, not the password).

    However, yesterday I came home from work to find that my hotmail email address was saved in the login. I could be wrong, but my first gut reaction was that maybe my boyfriend had tried logging into my account. You see, a hacker would have been smart enough to get into my account using the default student email. But my boyfriend doesn’t know my student email, the only email of mine that he knows by heart is the hotmail one. That’s what has me wondering.

    I texted him at work, saying I thought someone tried to or did log into my account. He asked me how I knew, I explained that its always set to my student email, yet my hotmail address was randomly there.

    He then responded with “weird, change the password?”, I replied that I had changed every password on every account. He then said “maybe it was just a computer error or default.”

    I got busy and didn’t reply to that text, next thing I know he’s texting me asking if I’m okay, and then he was super affectionate when he got home.

    I don’t know what to think. I told him today that I’m feeling very paranoid to use my computer now, it’s just a really unsettling feeling. Not that I have anything to hide, but it’s personal. I’m feeling very violated. Regardless if it was him or a hacker. When I said I felt paranoid, he simply said “I’m sure your computer’s okay.”

    Any thoughts? It just… my gut rarely steers me wrong. I hope I am, but I thought I’d get your thoughts on how to navigate this situation.

    I don’t really want to flat out accuse him of anything, because I could very well be wrong, but I want to talk about it in a way that would make him feel safe if he needed to admit he was up to something.

    Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.



  274.  #274Rori Raye on October 3, 2009 at 4:39 pm

    Amanda…tell him the truth. Say how awkward this is for you…and you just need to be honest and open with him and know he is with you and that you can figrue anything out. If he says it wasn’t him — you have to BELIEVE HIM. Rori



  275.  #275Matina on October 4, 2009 at 3:21 am

    Dear Rori
    Thank you for answering so fast! I have a new question, as I am now starting to use as many tools as I can: Do I get to do them only when I am out, (the breathing, wave, ocean stuff etch) or I need to practice at home as well? I feel a little akward waving my hand like wave in public!!! At the moment I am trying to do as many as I can when I am out as well.Is it sth to do when you want to be noticed ar more like a habit? May be a silly question but it is all very new to me! At the moent it is been 4 days practicing. There could be a subbtle change in men noticing me (though that was happening in the past as well)but yesterday I was out with a gilfriend and nothing seemed to work. In fact a guy talked to my friend! I wasnt jelous or aything, I am just mentioning it in case I am doing sth wrong.
    Thank you
    Matina



  276.  #276Trixie on October 5, 2009 at 11:42 am

    I have an 11 year old daughter, was married 10 years and have been divorced for 2 years plus one year being seperated. I was living with my boyfriend for a year, moved into our own apartment because things didn’t work out that well. We’ve been back together for about a year and I’ve been living with my daughter in our own place for 1 year and a half. I have healed from the pain of divorce and the pain of having another relationship fail right after. My problem now is, I am moving back in with my boyfriend, my daughter is 100% for it, my family has accepted it and us being back together finally, but………I am ready for marriage, I’m not looking to be a live in, why buy the cow type of girl. My boyfriend and I have had many many discussions and he says he wants marriage as well. During the first 6 months of our breakup I did date and he knows this. He said he still has hurt from the fact that I went and dated, even though we weren’t together. Biggest problem was, I dated a man that was a “friend” of mine for 9 years that I expressed to my boyfriend was no more than a friend. It turned out that my “friend” did want more from me than friendship. I had ended this friendship and cut all ties and communications as of July, the first week of July. I am now in the process of moving back in with my boyfriend who is “unsure” now if he wants marriage because of “hurt”. I have cut the lease with my apartment and have no other options as to living arrangements because of lack of rentals in my area and trying to keep my daughter in her school (she’s in 6th grade and VERY attached to her friends). I’m stuck having to move back in with a man that feels hurt and is unsure of what he wants which in turn makes me feel like I will be spending the next year, 2 or 3 with him waffling and indecisive. I am ready for marriage, I do not want to be a live in girlfriend with all the benefits of a wife with no committment. I have expressed this calmly and rationally to my boyfriend, he knows how I feel. It’s unfair and making me feel confused, hurt and heartbroken. Had I know he felt this way, I would not have broken my lease and would have stayed in my own apartment. Now I’m stuck with my poor daughter caught right in the middle. I’m going crazy in my own head, I know I’m pushing him and pressuring him and this is a huge part of the problem. But I’ve already spent 2 1/2 years waiting for this man who goes from I’m buying you a ring to I’m not sure in a week. Please help!! I appreciate any advice and thank you.



  277.  #277Rori Raye on October 5, 2009 at 12:50 pm

    Trixie, Welcome, and I know I’m disappointing you by saying this, but I think you know it already – you’re going about this all wrong. First – his “hurt” over your dating when you were broken up is pure bullshit. Don’t even give it a thought. Just say…it feels good to be wanted…it feels good to feel your possessiveness. And smile. You know you should have never cancelled your lease without a wedding date…but you have. If it were me, I’d go move to another apartment with my daughter, in the same neighborhood – no lease, just month to month, and tell your boyfriend that without a ring and wedding date and future plans, you feel just like you’re dating, and so you won’t be being exclusive with him either. Smile. Just say you’re looking to be married and secure, and if he’s not ready, that’s totally okay, and you get it, and he’s entitled, but it doesn’t work for you to commit so much to a man and not feel that commitment coming from the man. then follow through and Circular Date. That you need to take care of yourself and your daughter first, and you know that moving in with him under uncertain circustanes is going to make you crazy and make you want to push the relationshi and you don’t want to do that. You’re doing it already. Don’t do it anymore. We’ll give you help here, Love, Rori



  278.  #278Trixie on October 5, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    Thanks Rori. I just want you to know that I do own your Toxic Men, I’m toxic as well. I also have E-Book and several other CD’s. I have been trying to use eveything for over a year. Sometimes it works, sometimes I just get so pissed off I fall back into old patterns. And I am not disappointed by your reply at all, I was holding off for the wedding date/ring whole 9 yards. The sale of my apartment building has led to me having to leave, I can’t afford the new rent it’s way too expensive for a single mom. My only other option was to move to a different school district and my daughter would be devasted. I’ve already moved her from one school to this town. He did step up and offer me a place to live. I agree that it’s bullshit, and I’m allowed to date whoever/whenever. I’m really in a bad spot. I truly have no where else to go to live. There are NO apartments in my price range which is under $1000 per month. I have exhausted every resource and called in every favor to find a new place to go. I’m trying, but I’m so screwed right now. I use feeling messages 24/7 and he responds back with “and I feel (fill in the blank)”. He keeps telling me that his feelings don’t seem to matter to me. Just what I want. I’m leaning back, I talk 100% less, listen more, everything you teach. I do falter a lot, but I am getting better. Thank you for your response, it means everything to me.



  279.  #279Maria on October 6, 2009 at 5:48 am

    hm, l remember one case, when a man l dated left me because he was “HURT” cos to me it seemed like l didnt love him enough. l was his love of life as he described.

    right.



  280.  #280Trixie on October 6, 2009 at 7:12 am

    What I am so confused and hurt by is the fact that I feel like I am not trusted. I feel like I am on trial. I have done everything that I truly needed to do for myself to get my own head and heart straight and now it feels as though I’m right back to where I started one year and a half ago. I’m shaking, my thoughts are jumbled, work performance failing, in my head constantly, heart pounding. I feel very afraid to communicate this to my boyfriend. I am completely between a rock and hard place. All he has to do is say “you’re not moving back here” and I will truly be homeless. This is not an exaggeration. I have to be out of my apartment by the 31st of October, there is no going back to the landlord and saying, “oh, false alarm, I’m now staying.” The rent is increasing and I can’t afford what I’m paying now. My daughter is in her first month of the new school year and my only option will be to rip her out of school and transfer her to a new one. I know I need to tell my boyfriend how I feel because it’s showing in my actions and written all over my body. He’s not stupid, I can tell he knows he did the wrong thing by saying what he said about, “I need to be sure you won’t go running back to your friend” which has been visibly proven to him over the past 4 months just by my actions and without me having to say a word!! I feel so hurt and disappointed, and I truly feel like I’m being jerked around. I can see in his face he KNOWS and feels guilty!! Plus, last night as I was unloading more of my things into his house, he sat at the table and read the paper! I’m really in for it. I have to find a way to make this work in my head, for myself and my daughter, not the realtionship itself but how do I live in this house just for the next 8 months when my daughter is out of school and I will finally have an option (my family owns a house OUT of this town that will be un-rented by then) to leave and move the hell on with my damn life. I remember Rori’s story regarding her husband moving into her apartment before they were married. She treated him as a “roommate”. Is this a way I can at least get through this without losing my mind??



  281.  #281Amy on October 6, 2009 at 8:33 am

    Rori,
    Thank you for all the information you share. It has certainly given me a new perspective on so many areas of relationships.

    I am one that overfunctions.

    I am sure you have addressed this in the past, but I’m having trouble finding a post. I read your comments under the “marriage” heading and they helped some.

    What specific advice would you have for ladies that are married with children? The husband gets the benefit of being cared for as the children are cared for — i.e. laundry, meals, dishes, grocery runs. I have stepped back on the things I would consider non-essential, such as buying him cards/cupcakes/cookies/other things just because. I go ahead with my activities and he follows me through the house to tell me about his day rather than me dropping everything and hanging on every word for hours of him telling me about his day. I am not at his disposal for chores or errands. Small things I have changed…

    Yet even with these baby steps, he still randomly pulls away (typically about once every month or two). Worse, he pushes me away. I’ve been journal-ing our relationship (who does what and the current state) and it seems these times of distance are directly related to his stress outside of the home. But his first reaction to the stress is to push the kids and me away. He also withdraws affection (sometimes all affection). If I give him complete space (and I do mean complete), he will come back around within a week or so. But these episodes are really hard on me. I need steady, consistent, and stable. I have told him how it feels to me, so he tries to do better to tell me why it is happening (I used to think it was me). However, it still happens. Do you have any suggestions?

    Thank you sincerely!



  282.  #282melinda on October 6, 2009 at 11:41 am

    Dear Rori,
    I have seeing/sleeping w/ a man for over 3 years. I am now 9 months pregnant by him. He uses the word friend often when I shut down and dont contact him and he contacts me. He will say he misses my friendship which I understand as he misses our sex. He can’t leave me alone for any longer than a month but yet all I get is to be his “friend”. I have explained that I will not be his friend because I love him too much and that I love me enough to walk away and pursue other available options that will love me back and that will also accept his child since he doesnt want the baby. he has tried any way possible to get me to give the baby up for adoption because he is in no financial posistion to raise another child. He has 2 girls from a previous marraige. I am not in much better posistion because I have 3 children but have chosen to love this child aqnd raise it to the best of my ability. I do love him but I am in complete annd utter shock that anyone can treat another human as hre has me. So I chose to end the “friendship” have our baby and walk away to pursue happiness. I love me more!!!!!



  283.  #283Temtem on October 6, 2009 at 4:42 pm

    HI rori.
    I’ve recently been reading your posts and eletters and realised something very important. I’m doing a lot of the stuff that you have mentioned especially beating myself up and ovefunctioning.
    1) i buy him a lot of stuff, even though its just litle things like a teddy bear when i go out or i see something and think of him so i buy it.

    2) I’m sooo jealous. My current boyriend is a musician and as can be expected there are a lot of girls who like him. but none of them worry me as much as this one particular girl. and it make me feel stupid and insecure because all she does is leave comments on his facebook, saying how she misses him. THAT’S IT! I have no reason to think he’s cheating but the whole situation with this girl just upsets me.

    3) he’s pulling away pretty quickly now. he used to call me every day, tell me how much he loved me and missed me and wanted to be with me, marry me and all that.
    Now he hardly calls me at all, he’s always too busy and I see him once a week at my initiation. everything we do is at my initiation. we don’t even go out anymore. If i want to see him again I have to ask when he’s free, wheras before he would ask me. I guess that bit is my fault because I took charge when he was doing just fine.

    I just want to know how to get his interest back because I know he does love me but something is making him pull back.

    I need help.
    xxxxx



  284.  #284Sylvie on October 7, 2009 at 8:35 am

    Hello All,

    I am new to this blog although I have been reading the emails for a long time. I also have the e-book and Heart Connection Toolkit.

    I like Roris quite revolutionary tools. But I am in despair that they will work for me. I try to Lean Back now (just as an experiment with the men that I meet at work) but I think It might come across as a lack of interest. I don’t know how to have an open heart without Leaning Forward and being caring etc.

    I feel old, unattractive, undesirable and unable to get over an obsession with my ex. He cheated on me and did not love me. He is now in a relationship with a married woman. I would like to be like her! She has so much power and he jumps when she calls to say that she is available to meet him. She comes before everything for him – including his kids and even money. And I think she is never ‘needy’ because she can spread her needs across 2 men…. But really, I don’t think I could juggle 2 men!

    I just want to be free of thinking about him, her, whether their relationship will survive or not. I want to be free to focus on my life and feel some hope for the future. I feel like I will never have another relationship and if I do, I will make the same mistakes again – doing too much, being a ‘good woman’, mothering him, putting my needs last…. I would love to feel like a Goddess but I don’t even want to look in the mirror anymore.

    I get lost and overwhelmed on this blog and with all the tools. I don’t know where to start. But I would like to because it seems like such a supportive, caring community.

    Thanks xxxxx



  285.  #285Matina on October 7, 2009 at 1:18 pm

    Hi Sylvie! I think you are great for knowing yourself, eventhough you are not happy about some aspects! I think you must be a very nice person, and he is a fool for letting you go! I have been there as well, and I am also stuck, with someone who treated me bad, and I still think of him, but it is getting better. You have faith in yourself, and be the best you can for you!
    Love
    Matina



  286.  #286Matina on October 7, 2009 at 1:44 pm

    Dear Rori:
    I have a new question, as I am now starting to use as many tools as I can: Do I get to do them only when I am out, (the breathing, wave, ocean stuff etch) or I need to practice at home as well? I feel a little akward moving my hand like wave in public!!! At the moment I am trying to do as many as I can when I am out as well.Is it sth to do when you want to be noticed or more like a habit? May be a silly question but it is all very new to me! At the moment it is been 4 days practicing. There could be a subbtle change in men noticing me (though that was happening in the past as well)but yesterday I was out with a gilfriend and nothing seemed to work. In fact a guy talked to my friend! I wasnt jealous or aything, I am just mentioning it in case I am doing sth wrong.
    Thank you
    Matina



  287.  #287Rori Raye on October 7, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    Temtem, Welcome, and you’re not going to like my advice. You’ve put this man off by chasing him. And by being jealous. these are all symptoms of low self-esteem, and low self-esteem is just not attractive to a man. When you make a man the center of your world…you practically kill the attraction and romance. PLEASE learn about Circular Dating here and DO IT. We’ll all help you beef yourself up inside, by working on yourself “out in the field.” Love, Rori



  288.  #288Rori Raye on October 7, 2009 at 2:02 pm

    Melinda, Welcome, and yes, you’ve got it, this man is nothing to you. Please focus on taking care of your family. AND get legal help, because you will need financial support from this man. Also, Melinda, I know everyone has told you this and it doesn’t feel good…but the mistake you made in having unprotected sex with this man before being assured he cares for you (marriage) is a mistake that’s in your system. (If it was an accident..sorry for characterizing it as a mistake…but I would still say then that your method of birth control should be looked into – though a close friend got pregnant twice with a cervical cap…so…) Forget about how much you love him. He is the baby’s father, and you need to keep that in mind. Therefore…you ARE stuck being friends with him for LIFE. Please start figuring out how to do that once you’ve figured out how to get financial support from him. Love, Rori



  289.  #289Rori Raye on October 7, 2009 at 2:07 pm

    Amy, Welcome…and this is where you have to learn some ‘coaching” skills. Often, withdrawing is only about him, and there’s nothing you can do except take care of yourself and pretend he’s not even there. Often, though, too — it’s about anger. So…after a day or two of him in his “cave” try (and you have to have amazing Rori Raye conversation and negotiation and listening skills in order to do this, so PRACTICE them!) simply sit down, and ask him “Are you mad at me?” And then see what he says. He may shut down, or he might surprise you and open up. He may say “It’s not you…it’s…” and your job is to listen at Level 2 and nod your head. If he IS angry at you, you have to learn how to Listen at Level 2 and let him speak. As long s he doesn’t attack you…consider it a great thing if he opens up. If it’s something you can agree you did…apologize. See how this works as a communication Tool…It also might enable him to listen to YOU in a better way. Love, Rori



  290.  #290Flipper on October 7, 2009 at 5:13 pm

    Trixie – I feel supportive – your situation feels pretty awful right now, and I know how it is when taking care of your daughter’s need feels like it’s in contradiction with your own. Even though now must feel being between a rock and a hard place, I applaud you for being able to see some solutions in the middle term, at the end of the school year. When I read you the first time, I also thought of something like ‘roommates’. If I were in your bind, I probably would try to work out something along those lines if nothing else seemed feasible. In fact, my situation has some similarities so I know it can be done if you can feel strong and clear about it, i.e. not feel as though you were ‘imposing’ and not allow yourself to become a ‘poor cousin’ (the one who gets taken in, but treated like a servant). Wishing you strength, creativity and clear boundaries.



  291.  #291Sylvie on October 8, 2009 at 4:02 am

    Hello Matina,

    Thank you so much for your kind words. I was afraid that I would be told to ‘Let Him Go’. If only I could…

    I am sorry that you are stuck thinking about your ex too. Let’s try to get free together by taking good care of ourselves.

    Love,

    Sylvie



  292.  #292Trixie on October 8, 2009 at 7:52 am

    Flipper,

    You are my angel!! I so needed to hear support from someone so badly. I feel like I’m making a huge mistake by moving back, but I have to. I’m going to take your advice, feel strong and clear in my own head that yes he’s stepped up and offered a place for us to live, now I’m taking up on the offer and that’s what it is. Whatever happens afterwards happens. I will not feel like a poor cousin considering I will be PAYING him half mortgage, half utilities, etc. I am truly a “roommate”. The only thing that concerns me the most is the last time we lived there he gave me ONE day to move out. And that was police involvement (I called). The police told me it’s his house and you have to leave. I need something written and signed that this will not happen again, he will give me a reasonable time frame to move. I have no idea how to go about doing this with a man that’s untrusting for no reason already. I’m afraid he’ll just tell me don’t even bother coming back at all and that I don’t trust him. (I don’t).



  293.  #293Amy on October 8, 2009 at 9:22 am

    Rori,
    Thank you sincerely for your note back.

    I want to follow up with the outcome so that the other readers can see what came of this situation and how your advice helped.

    I did not do everything exactly as you said, and I hope getting things out of order doesn’t weaken the effect. But if you feel it will help other readers to critic how I went about this, please feel free.

    I went to him (his shut out was still full in force – which means he does not take my calls, e-mails, or respond with much, if anything, when I speak to him in person) and told him first how much he means to me (in a sentence or two) and that it felt like he felt undermined on an issue a few days ago which lead him to behave the way he had been behaving. I apologized that he felt that way (I did not take blame). I gave examples of how he had been respected and built up and asked that he would choose to focus on the positive and come to me to discuss issues when we do not see eye to eye rather than going through days like this. I explained how hard it is on me, trust, and the relationship. I said I expected him to forgive me and to begin treating me as though he loved me. He immediately responded with an apology. (That has never happened. In the past if I approached him (no matter the method I chose) it became a fight and I was blamed and attacked and left more wounded than how I went into it…which has resulted in me being afraid to approach him, so please know how much courage this took. Thank you for supporting my effort.) I remained quiet (the only other thing I said was to thank him for his apology) and let him work through it. I think the result is that he better understands himself. I am not certain I needed to understand, but I think that will help him do better handling his emotions going forward.

    I thank you again sincerely.



  294.  #294la la land on October 8, 2009 at 9:37 am

    well now that i begin to receive meaningful new reactions from my partner, i know i am not to beet myself up for the horrible wife i use to be, but its hard.
    for years i thought he was cruel and mean while it was my behavior ” you bring out the worse of me” i remember he use to say to me.
    it seems we share a similar impression of our mutual past: ‘pain and trauma’. we both felt victims, but i was doing it. how does one not beet himself up after so much damage, when it all can be so simple and clear really.



  295.  #295Amy on October 8, 2009 at 10:59 am

    la la land,
    I am not certain if you are addressing me, but I have never been a horrible wife and I don’t know that you have either. I have made wrong decisions in how I approached him or how I tried to communicate. But everything I ever did was out of the deepest love and commitment to him…and trying to be true to myself, my desires, my needs. I have learned many errors of my ways through Rori’s notes and teachings, but errors do not make me a horrible wife or person…nor do they make you that. Acknowledgement of error is merely opportunity for greatness.

    My husband made bad decisions in his actions. He treated me unfairly. He hurt me so deeply, I do not have the energy to go into all the details in this blog, but if the basics will help in some way, I will share. I handled many of those situations “correctly.” He will tell you today that it was him, not me.

    Some of Rori’s stories so closely resemble mine that I was able to learn through her experiences.

    I didn’t change after he “had” me. I was the same as I had always been. I was happy and excited about life and I had no idea things were changing for him. After we had promised each other “forever” he “changed his mind.” He didn’t want me after all. It shattered me and I didn’t know what to do. To say I was disappointed doesn’t capture it. Rejected. Broken. I meant my commitment. I didn’t want to leave. I certainly didn’t want to leave if it meant he would then realize he wanted me back only when I had just made my new life and healed. Millions of thoughts swam in my head. Oh, I could have used Rori then. I didn’t know how to talk to him. I didn’t know what to ask. All I knew is I needed to know, “What?!” “Why?!” Years later, it turns out that it was him, new job stress in a new part of the country, he was building our house, money stress…so many things that had nothing to do with me, but he took it out on me. My reaction to that was wrong. I would do “good” for a few weeks and then I’d fall apart (while doing good, I definitley overfunctioned…I am certain I was trying to earn his love back). I kept thinking if I did good enough at leaving him alone and giving him space long enough, he would eventually come to me and tell me what he had meant and what he wanted (considering I explicitly told him that is what I needed to know). Instead, for over a year we didn’t have a relationship. That year I read over 250 books on relationships and men. Weeks would pass in silence and he wouldn’t give me any information, much less affection. Sex was horrible…a means to an end type thing…empty….painful experience.

    At the end of each period of a few weeks of silence, I would crumble in loneliness and in missing him; I would ask him if he was mad at me or I would ask him if I could have his touch back. All I would get is “no.” I would ask him if he wanted me to stay. He would say, “You can do whatever you want.” I would ask, “What do YOU want.” He would then say, “I’m not having this conversation.” And he would refuse to say another word for days. I asked him if there was someone else. He would be so offended and mad…he would tell me he wouldn’t have that conversation either. (I asked that a couple times.) That went on for over a year. The best I would ever get is, “You need to be patient. Things will be better when we are moved into the new house. I don’t have anything to give you now. So many people have it so much worse than you. Why can’t you find happiness in what you do have? Your health…your job…” It was horrible. Finally he realized I had given up and I was slowly but surely putting my affairs in order to go make my own life. I had started packing and putting my things in storage. He came to me and apologized for how he had been. He admitted that the lack of communication was killing us and the fact that we had a relationship at all was only to my credit for all I had done to try to keep us together.

    I had huge, nasty scars and trust issues that had to be healed. In truth, b/c of these current periods of withdrawal and how they emotionally send me back to that terrible period in our lives, the trust issues still surface. I don’t know that he’s always going to be there for me. I don’t know that I can always count on him. B/c if I need him while he’s in his cave, I’m all alone. He went in his cave for over a year. That’s a long time when you don’t know why he’s left you (emotionally). How do I know he won’t leave me (emotionally) again for an equally long period or longer? So when he does this it causes panic within me. I have tried to do as Rori says and I literally date myself. I take myself to the movies or to eat. I jog. I play with the kids. I write my friends and elderly relatives that just love hearing that someone cares. I do all I can to focus on everything but him. But the fear is still at the core of me. I find myself trying to visualize all the positive of a life without him — how I would set up a good life for me — so that I’m not afraid of him not coming out of his cave or of him telling me he doesn’t want me. It just gets hard sometimes to stay focused on the positive and not to relapse to the negative feeling of rejection when you hear someone tell you they don’t want you. I go to a counselor so I have somewhere to “put” these feelings since I don’t feel comfortable taking them to him. I also journal.

    I don’t know if any of that helps or not. No matter what has gone on in your relationship in the past, you have a beautiful future to be the best wife your husband could ever imagine. But bigger and better than that, you have your whole life to be the most beautiful you that YOU could ever imagine. How lucky he is that you care enough about you to spend time reading Rori’s blog and resources and work on you. Everyone stumbles as they grow. What beautiful women we are that we took the time to nuture ourselves so that we could get up and continue growing. How blessed are those in our lives that they are touched by who we have already become.

    Heartfelt,



  296.  #296Simply Shannon on October 8, 2009 at 11:13 am

    Amy: Thank you for sharing your story!!! It felt good to hear how you went thru that painful period and came out of it as a stronger woman. I feel in awe of what you overcame. Thank you Amy!



  297.  #297Amy on October 8, 2009 at 12:14 pm

    Thanks, Simply Shannon. Reading Rori’s information has been helpful, but I’m no expert on life and love. I do think we all have to be very, very careful to forget blame. This isn’t about saying we are bad wives, girlfriends, significant others… This is merely about being better at being who we are intended to be. Rori is teaching things that are new to many of us. How many of us were coached in these ways by our mothers? We can’t do until we know to do… And it will only build so much resentment to lay blame on the men. If they have given us reason to believe they are capable of more and will do their part, what can it hurt to give them the opportunity to lead? That’s what Rori is saying, I think. If we’ll give them to opportunity to step up, perhaps they will; and if they will, both sides find balance. If they don’t, how sad really that they are missing out on such incredible women, but how great that the women are then freed to go find men that deserve them!!! Really, we should redefine failure. Perhaps failure is remaining in a broken cycle rather than finding out two people don’t fit together. Perhaps that is not failuare at all, only a realization that then allows success in new beginnings, you know?

    My heart has just been broken in reading these blogs and I’m so encouraged to know that someone like Rori is out there to help so many of us that couldn’t see what the broken cycle was. I mean, cooking, cleaning, providing, helping in every respect, listening…all those things seem so good…I would have never equated those things to overfunctioning which is a bad thing and yields the exact response I try so desperately to avoid.

    Simply Shannon, I read one of your earlier posts about asking for affection…I’ve rambled on so much, but I started this blog entry to say to you that I am now flooded with affection most of the time…and I hardly ever initiate. At one time, that admission would have seemed so sad to me. But his response only encourages it. I give him a peck on the check in passing from time to time…or I massage his shoulders after he’s worked in the yard all day…small things. But nothing like before. And I no longer hunger or yearn for his touch. I remember my skin hurting, muscles aching just wanting the smallest touch. Now he wakes me up often during the night and all he’s doing is reaching for my hand. I am amazed at Rori’s insight. I can’t help but feel sad at times that I feel restricted in what love I want to pour on him…I love giving letters and cards and hugs…but that makes him retreat. So, I think the way those of us with men like that should see that is to see it as more love to share with the rest of the world. Now my girlfriends get cards from me. My kids and friends get my hugs. And it feels so good not to feel rejection, but rather an equal embrace.



  298.  #298Simply Shannon on October 8, 2009 at 12:33 pm

    Wow Amy! I feel so moved by what you just wrote! Yes, I am breaking the cycle!!! I agree with what you said about realizing two people might just not be the right fit. It hurts when you think things should work, but your feelings tell you different. I feel baffled by my thinking sometimes. It’s like a war between my brain and my heart. My heart says “no, you need to go” but my brain says “don’t go, you’ll be alone”. It’s my fear talking. I’m working on this about myself and learning to love me more than anything else. Thank you Amy! Truly, thank you!



  299.  #299Amy on October 8, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    Well, you are welcome. How kind of you to say that. During my hardest times I would think it’d be all worth the pain if the experience would help one other person. To give myself a feeling of purpose, I journaled and ended up journaling to my daughter. When she is much, much older I will pass it on to her just in case some of my experiences will help her bypass the learning curve. That sense of purpose is important.

    Also, I think in my times of greatest pain, I hurt because it seemed to me that no one in the world cared or understood. “No greater burden can be born by an individual than to know none who cares or understands.” – Arthur H. Stainback

    What we have found here is a community that knows, understands, and cares. Find comfort in that.

    I don’t know everything that is happening with you…and I don’t know how you are being treated, but loving yourself is certainly key. As you love yourself, your heart changes and you start to see yourself as you now see a dear, dear friend. You can’t stand to see a dear friend treated badly. As you love yourself more, you’ll find that suddenly you look at a man that you once wanted so much and you no longer want him…simply because he doesn’t love, cherish, and adore you as you deserve to be loved, cherished, and adored. You long for more for yourself b/c you love yourself. …Just as you would for a friend. As Rori says…keep loving yourself. That’s the best way to get going in the right direction.

    For me, it turned out that I didn’t have to leave. He stepped up to the plate and we are better together than ever. But things had gotten so bad that I had lost a lot of what I felt for him because he had not cherished the friend I had befriended within, you know? That had to be rebuilt. Thankfully that rebuilding came naturally as he stepped up. Rori shares this too, I think…it can be rebuilt.

    Good luck to you, Simply Shannon. Funny how you can feel like you’ve found friends in the matter of moments.



  300.  #300Simply Shannon on October 8, 2009 at 1:29 pm

    Amy: I am coveting your words right now. 🙂 I’m headed out on a date and what you said is speaking VOLUMES to me right now. I truly cherish it and YOU for giving them to me. I feel lighter and more focused on what I want… to treat myself as I would a dear friend. I love that. I wouldn’t wish pain and anguish on anyone, so why would I do that to myself? Okay, I feel teary. Thank you Amy and thank you God for putting YOU (and all the Sirens here) in my life at the perfect moment!



  301.  #301Amy on October 8, 2009 at 1:32 pm

    Oh, have a great time! Remember our talk and remember how precious you are. Laugh at your own jokes and enjoy your own company – as well as his!! Let us know how it goes.



  302.  #302la la land on October 8, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    hi ami, and welcome, its nice having married mothers here.
    thanks for your post, you brought tears to my eyes.

    my last episode here is related to when he opened up to share with me his pain and trauma from our ‘bad’ times [i used to go through his personal things] i couldn’t take it. i felt attacked when i wasnt, i felt like nothing i do is good enough, like if he could see my pain he wouldnt waste time on his. the sad true is that the way to hell is full of good intention, and even though i loved him we were both very miserable, you can imagine my surprised when the truth became known to me : it was i ! i brought it on us by my own behavior, i wasn’t to blame but i was ignorant. i see woman here that are much younger then me, who realized in a very early stage of their life that there is something they need to work on here, you did 250 books, i never read a single word on this subject in my life, till i was threaten with divorce.
    true rory put me on the track in no time, but this is almost embarrassing in a way, i feel like i wasted my life in a way.
    i dont know, in her cd Rory dosent allow us to go on that direction, i will take her advice as it is…



  303.  #303Amy on October 8, 2009 at 2:35 pm

    but now you know, la la land…now you know. That is what matters. And, further, you didn’t trust him. There was a whole cycle of bad going on. It wasn’t just you. It wasn’t just him. It wasn’t. So today, decide that you will let go of the past. What I read once is that “when you forgive you let go of any chance of a better yesterday.” That’s amusing, right? Yesterday is done. He was probably very hurt and insulted that you didn’t see his heart. You didn’t see the man that he wanted so desperately for you to see and adore in him. But did he truly show it to you? Did he offer you the man that he fancied himself to be? So many questions…you can analyze this forever. Let’s not waste any time on that, dear heart. How about instead you embrace him for all he is. Tell him how sorry you are for any day you missed seeing him for all his splendor and you want every day going forward to be a walk of love, respect, and adoration…each of you for yourself and each of you for the other. And just focus on tomorrow rather than yesterday…how about that? I try to talk myself into the same thing when I start feeling afraid that I’ll be hurt again…I have to let go of the hope for a better yesterday. Yesterday is done. I love me today. Love you today. How about it?



  304.  #304Melinda on October 9, 2009 at 6:12 am

    Hi Rori and all the other great Ladies out there. I have really learned some valuable insight from all you wonderful gals on this blog. Rori you are brilliant in your wisdom and advice!!! I have taken some of all the insight I have gathered from you all and used it to my advantage. I recently heard from the father of the baby I am expecting and was very surprised to see that he is doing a complete 360 since using the feeling messages to really open up to him. I did not hold back and held my stance. I let him no how truly hurt I was at the way he has treaeted me not only as a human but also also the mother of his child. How lonely and scared I feel. I let him know that I love me and that the test drive was over. I explained to him that after 3 years I wish he had spent as much time getting to know my mind as he has my body. I also told him that I could not be a friend at his convenience and I forwarded a text message my mother sent that says this: YOUR WORTH: Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came from a mans rib, not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, & next to the heart to be loved. Pass this on to all exceptional women that you know…men too so they too know the value of a woman is….PRICELESS (-;
    Would you believe he was begging just to see me, just to talk & hangout!!!! I told him I would not be just a friend that I am having his baby and I have plenty of friends that I was looking for romance and love and if he couldn’t handle that then I would move on. He has been a perfect gentleman since. Opening doors, rubbing my tummy, holding me and really trying to love me. I AM STILL IN TOTAL SHOCK!!!!! Today is his birthday and I spent most of last night just talking with him until the wee hours of the morning. He drove me home and hugged and kissed me bye and said he was so gald I came to visit. I needed to hear so much of what he said I understand he is scared and feels alot of the same anxieties as I do. Which is the reason for his distant behavior. I allowed myself to lean back and opened my heart and just listened to where he was coming from and I believe that maybe I pushed him away by closing down like so many of us do when we are afraid to just open our hearts and minds. It doesn’t mean I have to be a doormat. I can stand my ground and still feel what I feel and at the right moment let him know how I feel to draw the better man out. He seems to be getting excited about thenew baby now that his fears are settling… I will keep you posted and I have about 3 or 4 weeks before baby in pink arrives!!! MUAHHH!!!!



  305.  #305Amy on October 9, 2009 at 6:50 am

    la la land,
    I was thinking about you last night and I wanted to talk to you, if that is okay. I may imagine it, but I read so much guilt and regret in your words when I read your posts. And I think I’ve read posts where you’ve mentioned your age. You know, it sounds morbid, but really we are all dying at a rapid rate if you want to focus on age…what is 80 or 90 years really when you compare it to how long all of creation has existed? So I wish you’d think about the quality of life rather than the quantity of days left. Even if today is my last day, I want it to be filled with joy, purpose, and peace. So I hope you’ll seek that out for yourself and see that you are worth having that and so much more. I hope I don’t step on Rori’s toes by posting this, but I just couldn’t get you out of my mind last night and it feels like you are taking so much ownership for your husband’s terrible decisions. I don’t want to put words in your mouth, so let me use my life…mine chose to treat me horribly at times. He broke my heart with his actions and words. He refused to see me and my value. I do not own that. I own MY decisions. I own MY choices. I own MY actions. HOWEVER, all of my past errors are in the past. I am not designed to drag them around. Neither are you. I have laid them down. He can choose to forgive me my failures…or not. But he owns HIS responses to MY failures. He owns his decisions & his choices. I cannot own those. I am NOT responsible for his bad decisions. I ALSO am not responsible for the consequences, though they may affect me if I do not respond as I should. I would like to mention a book I read that changed my way of thinking and my life on this (as I used to beat myself about the head and shoulders for a lot of things that it turns out HE owns) & I hope it is okay to do so. I hope you’ll go to your local library and check it out… Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. (Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life). What I hope you’ll take from the book is what I’ve already said. You cannot own someone else’s responsibility. If a man cheats on you, that is HIS bad decision. You might have made bad decisions in how you chose to conduct yourself or what words you chose, but you cannot “make” someone make a bad decision. In all my husband did to hurt me, I never chose to cheat on him. There were nice men around that expressed interest, but I never considered it. I could blame him and say I was hurting so badly I needed a soft, gentle touch, but does that make it okay? Should he suffer that because I was hurting? And really, should I suffer that? It would hurt me too. My heart and soul is worth more. So…for what it is worth…that’s my opinion. And I’m okay if others disagree with me. But what I want to scream out is please drop all the guilt you are carrying. You are not designed to carry it. Free yourself from it and see that he made bad choices because he decided not to come to you and say, “Honey, when you rifle through my things it hurts me and makes me feel as though you don’t see the man that I am,” or “When you continue to bring up the same topic in the same way over and over, I do not feel loved and respected. I have already answered this or done what I feel is appropriate. I love you, but I won’t be bombarded with this over and over. I need you to accept my answer or decision.” Or even take you by the hand and suggest couple’s counseling. So many things he could have chosen that would not have broken your spirit…even if your actions were breaking his. I don’t think Rori is suggesting that we take blame for men’s bad behavior. I think she is teaching cause and effect and a chance to change what we didn’t know we affected. I honestly don’t think she is suggesting to any of us that we pick up blame and guilt for a man’s inexcusable behavior. Men are beautiful, wonderful creatures that are capable of resisting temptation and making the right decision even when they are frustrated with their current station in life. They really can. When they don’t, we often hear that we made them act that way or we bring out the worst in them. Really? That sounds like quite an excuse, right? Can a person “make” someone act a certain way? The first time my little girl chose to decorate her own walls with a marker, I almost fainted. I could have berated her for that work of art. I could have made her feel terrible. If I had done that, would she be to blame for making me act that way? I would say no. Because I didn’t act that way. She got to give me her markers for a day and help me fix the damage to the walls as a consequence for what she had done…so, apparently, I had a choice in how I responded. Do you see what I mean?

    I’m sorry, All, for butting in again today. I just feel so much weight for la la land. I hope I’m totally wrong, la la land, and you feel no guilt at all. But if you do, let today be the last day you do. It’s not yours to bear.



  306.  #306la la land on October 9, 2009 at 11:46 am

    thank you ami,

    i will look for that book, sounds very useful, any other recommendations are welcome.

    i think im giving here a good example to rori’s last post about trying to avoid grief and other hard feelings in the soup. i admit i resist. i hadnt come to peace with the way i went through the last 15 years. i will have to do so, in order to move on i guess.

    thanks again.



  307.  #307la la land on October 9, 2009 at 12:08 pm

    ami – you know what? you are right
    , i feel guilty, terribly guilty, i feel so guilty i wish i could do something.
    if you have an idea on how i can undo this feeling i would love to hear it.



  308.  #308Daria on October 9, 2009 at 5:34 pm

    La La Land – send love to your guilt.

    Please look at the side bar at the Power and Self Esteem section and go through the posts doing each one from oldest to newest.

    You will learn Riffing and how to love even the “dark” feelings. It changed me so much.



  309.  #309la la land on October 10, 2009 at 2:32 am

    thanks daria
    it is helpful, very.



  310.  #310Amanda on October 10, 2009 at 9:25 am

    Hi Rori,

    I recently found out that my best friend is pregnant. It was not a planned pregnancy with her boyfriend of over 3 years, but they’re keeping the baby and are starting to get excited. This has stirred up a whole bunch of emotions in me, for her. I’m happy, scared, excited, sad, yet also hold a little bit of envy, even though I know I’m not ready to have a child yet.

    Up until this point, my best friend and I had literally identical relationships with our boyfriends. It was nice having someone that could relate to my feelings of frustration over not being engaged yet after 3+ years of dating, and over 1 of living together. We could vent away, feel understood, and validated.

    But now, I feel completely thrown for a loop. I’m trying not to dwell on it, but I’m feeling pretty down that it seems I can’t relate to any of my friends anymore. Literally every single one of them is either already married, engaged and planning a wedding, or having a baby.

    Over the last couple months, I finally came to terms with not being engaged yet. Because I realized that I personally am in no shape financially to pay for a wedding anytime soon. I know people say it doesn’t matter, but I don’t want a quick ceremony at the courthouse. I want my family there. So yes, it will cost money.

    Whenever I think about it logically and realistically, I know deep down, I’m not at a stage in my life where I could get engaged and plan a wedding yet.

    But how do I deal with these feelings of envy and hopelessness when they come up? My boyfriend is not ready to get engaged yet, both financially and he feels too young. Most of the time I am fine, but when these feelings hit me, I feel really, really down. And its hard not to have those feelings affect my relationship. I really am happy with how far our relationship has come, I’m very much in love. But its still hard to shake these feelings when they come up.

    Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.



  311.  #311Amy on October 10, 2009 at 11:13 am

    la la land,
    I think the authors of that book I suggested will help you with the guilt. But it seems to me that guilt is something we impose on ourselves, so embracing the positive thoughts rather than the negative must be the power behind getting through this. You wouldn’t want your best friend hurting herself with self-destructive thoughts, so why would you allow yourself to hurt yourself with that kind of thought pattern. Accept that the past is the past. Focus on a bright and positive future. You hold all the power to make the future a great one. Do you want to waste all that could be wonderful up ahead on dwelling on a past that won’t change anyway? Start loving the new you and know that you are worth loving.



  312.  #312sheila on October 10, 2009 at 11:49 am

    Hi my brave ladies,
    I don’t post here but i have posted here, my issue was about my man masturbating, thanks to Rorie telling me about another link to tinque,”she has been wonderfull with my dilema…”I was just wondering how Uschi was, I read all postings and she was posting quite a bit and now nothing so I was wondering how she was doing.



  313.  #313la la land on October 11, 2009 at 1:35 am

    hi ami
    i am starting to hear reconnect again, she does mention there being exposed to guilt and fear once things start to earth in the anger department, i guess she knows what she is talking about..



  314.  #314T.R. on October 11, 2009 at 11:44 pm

    Rori,

    I am feeling some anxiety about where my relationship is at, or rather, where I wish it were heading. I have been using your tools and so far, things have been workign very well. My boyfriend has responded wonderfully to me leaning back, switching hats from masculine to feminine and using feeling messages. However, I am feeling like we are at a stand still and I am not at all comfortable with it. We have been together for almost a year and it is painfully obvious that he is scared to to commit. Or, perhaps scared is just a term he uses to hold me off. We have been together for almost 9 months and we still very rarely even spend the night at each other’s houses. We have just recently started hanging out with each other’s friends. He has told me that he loves me, but now is not saying it nearly as often. I am feeling anxious and I want to talk to him about it, but I am not sure that this is the right thing to do. I find my self telling my friends and family that I will never get married again (in the process of finally getting a divorce after a long separation). And I know this is just a defense mechanism because he is not trying to move us forward. I feel like talking to him, I feel like crying, I feel like ending it with him out of fear he will end it with me because he is not moving forward. Do you have any suggestions on how to get past this place? I don’t want to break up with him, I do see a future with him. Then I have feelings of writing off all men. I know my head is swimming and I need to get out of it……Please share your thoughts on this.



  315.  #315Flipper on October 12, 2009 at 2:41 am

    T.R. – The great thing about Rori’s approach is that you don’t have to choose between putting up with what you don’t want to ‘keep him’ OR breaking up, both of which make us feel bad. Look around on the blog for the ‘no girlfriend speech’ posts that will help you get back to yourself and feel powerful. Then read about and start practice circular-dating (= practical therapy for not feeling anxiety). Even if you don’t ‘feel’ like it, and feel scared or angry. That’s how to open the door for new feel-good opportunities for yourself AND keep it open for him.

    What helps me get away from those invasive, spinning-wheel thoughts in my head, is I try to remember to ask myself what I’m feeling in my body – works best for me if I say a particular part, and if nothing comes up for that, then name another until I find something somewhere. At first it was thin pickings, but still easier than trying to find words in the whole emotional floodplain. I start to feel a little better and often get distracted enough to go do something else and not right back to obsessing with what he (might) be thinking (his business, not mine), what I (should) have said (my business is reminding me what I don’t want and WANT and that I Can have it all).



  316.  #316Amy on October 12, 2009 at 6:07 am

    Rori,
    Yesterday, my husband got angry with over a task that I was unable to do “correctly.” He spoke to me as though I were a child that was behaving unacceptably. He withdrew and attempted to ignore me…or go to his “cave,” as you say. I confronted him after an hour or so of silent treatment & avoidance. I asked why he would become so angry with me over such a thing as that. He said, “B/c you didn’t even try. It’s not that hard.” I told him that I certainly did try, but it seems to me he is unable to leave his world and think of things in another’s point of view and see that perhaps they are unable to do the things he can (strength wise) or, on other topics, perhaps they have a different perspective than he. I told him that a family will not be willing to follow a leader that speaks down to them as he done to me and I was worth more. I told him I was disappointed that he did not see that. I told him that I was not willing to be ignored all day…or week…however this round would turn out. I told him I would not be home for the rest of the day since he was choosing to act that way toward me. I took the kids and we went to the movies and to shop (we always stay home on Sunday afternoons, so this was out of the norm). When I returned, he chose to speak again, and he was relatively kind. However, he withheld all affection and there was still a distance this morning. Did I do the right thing, do you think? Would you have advice on how I should have handled it differently?
    Thank you.



  317.  #317Amy on October 12, 2009 at 7:20 am

    Rori,
    Nevermind. I just received your relationship tool of the week, “Instantly stop his negativity this way.” I think I made an error in talking. I guess I should have just nodded as he told me that I did not “try.” Although I disagreed, that was his perspective. I was still hung up on what had happened an hour before…how he talked down to me and made me feel so small. I was not in the moment and I was wanting to let him know that was unacceptable. I think I messed this whole thing up, and I need some time to reflect on what your “relationship tool” note said.



  318.  #318Simply Shannon on October 12, 2009 at 7:47 am

    Amy: I just got that Nod Your Head tool email too. I wouldn’t have nodded my head at him if he was belittling me. I would have said something similar to what you said but maybe left out anything accusing him or making him wrong. “I feel belittled. I did try. I don’t want to feel bad for something because I didn’t do it the way you would have done it.” Or “I feel angry”. Then pause and let him speak. (The hardest part for me would be pausing and letting him speak before I say anything else.)

    As to the silent treatment, I would have done the same thing (and I think you handled it brilliantly by leaving and doing something fun). Leaning back, doing other stuff, etc. sounds like a good plan. If he came back around, I’d probably say the same things above “I felt belittled and I don’t want to feel that way”. Or “I feel angry and turned off”. Whatever feels real to you in that moment. No stuffing your emotions or giving him the signal that it’s okay to speak to you that way. Lean back and let him come to you first.



  319.  #319Amy on October 12, 2009 at 8:15 am

    Thank you very much, Simply Shannon. I’ve written your response in my journal. That sounds silly. But these problems I’m posting here are things that I tend to be physically ill over. I’m trying to truly train myself to handle them in ways that are most healthy for me as well as the relationship and family. Your advice is very appreciated and I think you are right on.
    Thanks again!



  320.  #320la la land on October 12, 2009 at 10:03 am

    hi ami
    i agree, you did great by walking away to the movies, [next time leave the kids as well]

    its hard to gain respect when we dont respect ourselves, isnt that our problem here? i mean someone can choose to ofend us but it doesnt mean we must be ofended [what i keep telling my kids, its time i start listening to what i preach them]

    in my case, I realized that when I fail to do certain things I evoke a kind of insecurity in my partner, like in the modern siren program: how can he crash his boat safely on my rock if i cant take proper care of my island / health / feelings / dentist / hair / career etc…

    i know this sounds easy but for me keeping the basic 4 rules is still the hardest, like yesterday he called [i manage to stop calling almost completely] suddenly i heard myself discussing who and what in his world in a most leaning forward way , i was so amazed, it just happened, [i was totally non present] then conversation ended with me trying to say one more thing – just terrible, all report not one feeling massage with some ‘you’ for dessert ,

    im just saying this to bring us back to the essential tool for hope here : ‘Baby steps’!



  321.  #321la la land on October 12, 2009 at 11:53 am

    ye, and maybe you should have nodded, [just read it] i guess that describe a self confidences behavior, we awesome woman intent t have in the near future…



  322.  #322Amy on October 12, 2009 at 12:24 pm

    Thanks for the comments and encouragement. I’ve always struggled to love myself and to insist that I be treated well. Rori’s tools are helping me turn things around in a way that I am being treated much better with having to cry out, “Love me!” It’s just these things like this “stonewalling” he does and talking down to me…there is so much pain there for me it’s so easy to get angry and want to fight him now that I’m feeling strong enough to do so. It helps to have a support group here to keep me on track. Maybe I’ll handle next time better.



  323.  #323Amy on October 12, 2009 at 12:26 pm

    I meant to say without having to cry out “Love me!”



  324.  #324Uschi on October 12, 2009 at 2:59 pm

    I posted this on teh wrong page LOL must be the blond stuff from the bottle

    Rori,
    question: When he gets back – how should I be? I feel going to him and greeting him and letting him know that I am happy he is back is leaning forward also I am not sure if that other woman was there or not. Actually I don’t care in a way cause I feel I will again have more time here with him at home and now knowing your tools I can most likely outgirl and outgodess her even though she is about 20 years younger that I am unless you is reading your blog too or has your tools. Also my intuition tells me that he is starting to lean away from her. When he left he kissed me (mouth) just a peck but a heck of a lot more than for a long time and also waved with his coffee mug from the van – probably spilling his coffee LOL.
    At the same time I am finding myself angry because I was not included in this trip or the last one to FL. I am finding that I feel humiliated because all his friends know I am here at home and that he has (had) that other woman. So I was thinking that when the situation arises I am going to tell him that I feel angry and humiliated and that I don’t want to be shut out any longer without mentioning this woman at all. However, I don’t want to do that the moment he gets home. I do after all look forward to him returning and I feel that maybe both of us have gotten some distance to the negativity that was here before. So in a way it may be a fresh start for me knowing your tools better now.
    Before you and the lesson on over-functioning I would have tried to have a nice dinner ready or something else nice. Not gonna do that.
    He always says that he is re-entering the world when he comes home from the boat, he is not very happy here for whatever reason (work day to day us etc or maybe reflecting also on his past and what he lost when he comes here – former job that paid a lot more and other things – maybe this place is a reminder on what he lost or his failures and what he could have had) so in a way I feel something needs to be different. And I would like it to be so without me doing to makie it different. Not sure if you understand where I am coming from. It’s a bit difficult to make changes in the environment here without doing.
    I am looking forward to the moment he gets home, knowing that the first thing he will do is throw his laundry into the washer and empty the van.
    Should I just stay upstairs and wait for him to get his butt up to me, should I go downstairs and greet him, or just stay in my room being feminine awaiting his masculinity to come to me? If I stay in my room I think he’ll just come and say “I am back” and if that happens then go to him and say “Glad your are back” or just totally not do anything and let him come back wondering why I am not following him even though after the initial “I am home” he’ll most likely walk away doing whatever.

    Please give me some advice here cause I am at a loss on how it should be when he gets back.



  325.  #325la la land on October 13, 2009 at 5:58 am

    hi uschi
    here is a little something i have been testing lately, and it seems to be working nicely:

    when he returns – im not home.

    i avoid all the scene, by doing something nice for me or with the kids, at the time he is planed to arrive – as if saying, i have a life too, i dont sit around all day waiting for you to show up..

    i love getting this lost child face of his on my return



  326.  #326Uschi on October 13, 2009 at 11:04 am

    la la land,
    I was thinking about that one too, however his return is not bound to a certain day or time and I don’t know when that is. Also wireless will be rather spotty so not a sure thing he can even e-mail. He is a dinosaur and refuses to have a cell phone. The only contact number there is, is that of the other woman. And even though she is very involved in these projects and my intuition tells me the whole thing with her will end, I don’t feel like using her number to contact him. I am liable to give her a piece of my mind and call her every name in the book and letting my anger out on her and I believe that would be counter productive in what I am trying to accomplish here.
    I was even thinking of parking the car on the other street and go out the back door when he drives into the driveway, but that too feels kind of childish, and manipulative to me, and reminds me of women who will pretend to be sick just to get attention, it’s not authentic.
    So I have 3 choices, go to him and greet him, be upstairs busy with something, which most like is not going to be the case cause he will be coming in either very late or very early, or just be in my room doing MY OWN THING and when he comes, just lean back, make eye contact and smile.
    I have thought about it some more since I posted above and feel that even telling him that I missed him, (which I did) would be leaning too forward and would imply to him that I was thinking about him a lot.
    As you probably read in my first post and other previous post I am in a rather unique situation (as are many of us). I have used Rori’s tools before he left and have had some small progress just by leaning way back and I have used the the time since he’s been away to really get more familiar with Rori’s tools. I am more relaxed now; for one thing because of the small progress I have seen so far and he was stepping up to the plate, for another because I have had the luxury of some time, while he was away, to wrap my mind around them, reminisce about past incidents and how I acted and reacted, and just by that seen where I was not feminine, leaning forward etc. throwing my pearls before the swine (Rori’s mantra) and drove him away from me. Meaning I am more aware of what I did and how I reacted and how to change it.
    I know that when he comes back I’ll have had some distance from all that and so will he. However, implementing Rori’s tools will still be somewhat “staged” and feel strange because I have had no actual real time opportunity to implement them besides leaning way back before he left. Those few dates I went on really did not do much for me cause the men were kind of blah to begin with and even though I implemented the tools, it wasn’t enough yet to make me feel totally comfortable with the new me.
    With all that said, I feel that his return is for me a new beginning – I am making it so because that is WHAT I WANT. I WANT him to know, feel, sense, smell, hear, and see that there is a new me and I want him to come to me and show me what kind of man he can be (and I know he is) by stepping up to the plate. That new beginning needs to be done right and that’s why I am asking for some input on how.
    Thanks girls
    Uschi



  327.  #327Rori Raye on October 13, 2009 at 8:27 pm

    T.R. – this is a job for Circular Dating. You have no commitment…no matter HOW LONG you’ve been dating him…and yet you’re bound to him in every way. Talk with him about this. Tell him you don’t want to put pressure on the relationship, and you know you’ve been together long enough that stuff like marriage is going to come up…and should you be dating other men to take the pressure off…because it feels good to be with him, and you don’t want a boyfriend, you want the life-long thing…and you don’t want to wreck things by pressuring the relationship…and you’re starting to feel that happen now…” (Your version of this, of course…)



  328.  #328T.R. on October 14, 2009 at 12:29 am

    Thank you Flipper. Circular dating has been helpful in the past, and I feel I need to date myself more right now. There is definately a connection between feeling confident and circular dating and not feeling confident and not circular dating. I will try the method of what I feel in my body. We had the talk last night about what “moving forward” looks like to both of us. In some ways it is the same and in others it isn’t. I told him that that dating someone who is not trying to move things forward at this point is new and uncomfortable. Looking back, that may have come off as needy. And, to be truthful, for the first time in our relationship I am feeling needy. This is what I want to stop. Sometimes I feel like I am losing touch with myself. I want to feel like he wants to move forward. He sais he does, but his actions, in my opinion are not showing it.
    Feeling confused….



  329.  #329Flipper on October 14, 2009 at 3:26 am

    There’s a difference between feeling ‘needy’ and feeling insatisfied with a situation that is, well, unsatisfactory to me. So let’s not be too quick to judge ourselves ‘needy’ when in fact we’re becoming blessedly conscious that our needs are not being met.

    In either case, I feel fear, sadness, confusion, anger (for me, usually stuffed and super inaccessible, but I’m working on feeling and outing that), but neediness would push me to try to ‘get’ Him to fix things. If I express my needs in Rori’s way, plainly, without putting pressure on him to fill them, although I may still feel vulnerable, I also feel brave and empowered.



  330.  #330la la land on October 14, 2009 at 11:15 am

    hi uschi,,
    never meant in a childish manipulative way, just in a real ‘doing your own things’ way.
    the response i got was :” i like it so much that you are busy, you free me when you free yourself, it gives me hope about our future together”
    so…



  331.  #331Uschi on October 14, 2009 at 5:37 pm

    Flipper,
    I think you are right – there is a difference between being needy and having our needs met. I am not sure if I am expressing this the right way either. I feel being needy in a negative way is telling another person to take care of you by doing things to make you happy when in fact we are to make ourselves happy. Also there are still many women out there who look upon a man purely as a provider and in return do the sex thing and are only providing for themselves until they are married. I find that needy too.
    However, having your needs met in a relationship to me means being together in a union, loving, respecting and supporting each other. It not just us women who need to have out needs met, men have needs too. By us being a woman and using Rori’s tools gives the man the opportunity to have his needs met simply by being given the chance to be a man and being able to do the things a man is meant to do – meeting our needs. It’s like a giving and taking in a healthy way. I believe this is what Rori means by the exchange of female and male energy. Rori – please correct me if I am wrong.
    For us (women) to have our needs met we need to EXPRESS those needs with I feel, I want, I don’t want and then leave it up to the man to do the right ting. Men will see us as needy – I believe – if we tell them things like You are not doing enough in the house, You are not helping me with the laundry, You need to do this for me, You have to do this because I want You to do this – that’s being needy in a negative way and even worse it’s nagging and I also believe that it sends a message of accusation to him. And I have to say I am as guilty of it as many women are. Or I should say WAS cause since I’ve come across Rori’s tools much has changed.



  332.  #332Uschi on October 14, 2009 at 5:43 pm

    La la land
    I know how you meant it – sometimes I am expressing myself not in way for it to come out right LOL



  333.  #333Uschi on October 15, 2009 at 7:35 pm

    Well, this did not go at all the way I thought it would or how I imagined it.
    He came home this morning around 9 AM and I had just gotten out of bed and was walking out of the hallway when he stood by the backdoor and scared the sh** out of me. Here I was in my morning robe, hair a mess, pillow prints still on my cheek, and I screamed when I saw him standing there cause he had his back to me and I totally did not expect him at all not till Monday at least. The first words out of my mouth were “Damned you scared the hell out of me”
    Rori, —– why can’t you be a fly on the wall, or a mouse under my fridge and whisper me what to do in a situation like that? Well, in a way you were but this was so totally unexpected that I was just not ready for that. I didn’t know what else to do so I went to the bathroom to calm myself and get my wits about me. When I came back out he was outside with the dog playing with her cause she was all over him (and didn’t even bark to warn me that he drove up which she normally does) so I started a pot of coffee which I needed badly to wake up. He later on asked me if there were any “disasters” while I was away and aside from having the plumbing backing up which cost me most of the car-insurance money and he pulled out his checkbook to pay for it. Other than him asking me for help with his laptop it was like every other day – SOS. It seems he has to get used being here again and he is maybe leaving again to do something else for a few days that he’s been asked about.
    So I did not really get to make that new start in the way I wanted and yet in a way I have cause I made one within myself in a way and I hope that’s going to be working.
    I just feel bad that he had to catch me right after I got up and looking like it too but there is nothing I can do about it so I am putting it out of my mind. I just hope I can do damage control on that.



  334.  #334Jo on October 16, 2009 at 3:08 am

    Aww bless ya Uschi.

    I had the same thing happen to me. Nothing worse than being caught off guard when your not looking your usual glam, diva self :)). If it makes you feel any better i don’t think men notice too much.

    I was caught out looking like Zelda one morning. I had found out my partner ( not living with me at present) had gone out with friends after telling me he was staying in for the night. I have no problem with him going out with mates i just will not tolerate being lied to. He text me late in the evening to apologise and i just sent back “you are free to do as you please, call me in a few weeks to get the rest of your stuff”

    I woke up in the morning with him at the foot of my bed with a bunch of flowers looking like a lost dog. Same as you, my hair sticking up, no make up, and weird PJ’s on…. Not the “look at this Diva you just let slip through the net’ look i was going for. I stumbled into the bathroom and chucked on some foundation and flattened my hair.

    His reply when i re-appeared was “why have you got that crap on your face, you look better with out” *faints* :))

    So if it makes you feel better I don’t think he would think anything of it.

    Now ofcourse with Rori’s help, my attitude would be different. Ofcourse i am going to go to bed with no make up on and i am going to wake up with hair all over the place. Like it or lump it, it’s who i am. It’s not like the movies where the women wakes up with immaculate hair, lightly glossed lips and looking like she just fell of the cover of vogue.

    With that in mind it is far less exhausting to just be yourself. If a guy is really into you i think your sticking up hair in the morning and bleary eyed look should be endearing. I have ofcourse told him that he isn’t to just appear at my house and is to call first. If i don’t answer my phone then that still doesn’t mean he can just come over as and when he feels like it.

    I am not living with him anymore as he is so wrapped up in himself and is unable to commit to me properly. So I have decided not to be a friend with benefits, my time is valuable ( he has had a lot of it) and i want more from a guy that is soooo flaky he should come with a yellow wrapper.

    xx



  335.  #335tinque on October 16, 2009 at 6:58 am

    “If a guy is really into you i think your sticking up hair in the morning and bleary eyed look should be endearing.”

    Believe me this is true. They actually prefer it.
    xxoo



  336.  #336Uschi on October 16, 2009 at 7:16 am

    Jo,
    it’s not only the way I looked but also with him coming home so much earlier I did not get all the things done and when I am sorting for donation (getting rid of a lot of stuff I really don’t need but kept holding on to – he doesn’t like stuff and he doesn’t like a disorganized mess) I take thing in the dining room on the large table and lay them out. I had planed to get the house at least half way decent and didn’t even get a quarter of it done.
    Though I feel his griping about that is a surface thing and he isn’t in touch with what he really wants. That’s his problem, yet it my mess and his griping about it, is not good for our relationship it’s like a stumbling stone.
    I feel Rori’s tools are going to benefit me in a large way and then in turn our relationship. Yet there are still those everyday things that are a pita (pita = pain in the a**) and I need to figure out how to use the tools for that too. A huge problem is that upon retiring he wants to live on the boat, but I want a house and more importantly a house that is a home. What we have at the moment is the apartment so to speak in the house where his job is. We live upstairs and he works downstairs. I have been trying to get my own business started doing wedding flowers and collecting materials for that, then I like to knit with my knitting machine and have lots of wool and my other hobby is photography also many items. Then the stuff in the house from the owner, his diving stuff, office stuff and stuff my daughter has here for the moment and stuff that his friend has here while he has a job in Saudi. It’s a bit overwhelming for the both of us.
    I am only taking care of my stuff now that’s all and that is a lot. He wants to shuck it all and live on the boat – I don’t want to live on the boat and I have never come right out and said it either and learning Rori’s tool I realize I have to say what I don’t want. That’s gonna be a tough one. I have no problem with his hobby and his interests and I am willing to go out with him doing scanning and all that but we have a life here too and I think over the past few month he has realized he just cant shut everything down. I believe he might also just be panicking because of his age and all the things he didn’t get to do and where he wasn’t fulfilled.
    I don’t really know – all I know is that he is a damn good man and worthy he has proven that in the past many times over. I can’t get into it all right now but I do know he is worth it as much as I am – I just never had the tools before to let him know that I am just as worth it and he will be finding that out.



  337.  #337Jo on October 16, 2009 at 7:54 am

    Bottom line is Uschi that it was him that came home early without telling you. You don’t have a crystal bliddy ball so how were you to know. I think you are getting yourself into a panic about not having things done for his return. He will sense your eagerness to please’ and before you know it you will be jumping through hoops.

    The guy i was with i did everything to try and please him. After reading Rori’s info i realised how destructive this was. I can remember doing an 9 hour day at work then getting of the bus to run down the hill to get in and cook his dinner on time…………………. Oh my god was that really me.

    I totally drained myself trying to please this man and nearly had a breakdown. I was trying to be little miss perfect. I look back at that time and i am angry that he allowed me to run around after him. Never again will i get myself into a situation like that.

    If you don’t want to live on a Boat then speak up. What you wrote sounds perfect to me
    I have no problem with his hobby and his interests and I am willing to go out with him doing scanning and all that but we have a life here too and I think over the past few month he has realized he just cant shut everything down

    I think guys find women more alluring and attractive that do speak up, have their own opinions and have a life they enjoy. He should compliment your life you shouldn’t have to give up your life in order to be with him. Im sure he is a nice chap but don’t lose who are, in order to try and please him.

    luv n hugs
    jo



  338.  #338Uschi on October 16, 2009 at 10:59 am

    Jo
    you are absolutely correct in not pleasing him and getting things done for him. However, I also need to get them done for ME. I have always been a pack rat and disorganized. I need to get the stuff sorted out I need to get some order going or I am not going to be happy. In 8 years a lot of stuff accumulates and I need to get rid of at least the stuff I know I have not used in many years and I need to get over that ingrained thing of saving stuff because it could come in handy again. It is a left over from my mother who did it cause of WWII no one in Germany had anything and they were scrambling to get things that were needed and they saved them when they finally had them and they kept saving them just in case. Shortly after WWII there was Korea and everyone though another WW and they started saving and buying cause they never wanted to be in a position of not having again. And mostly it was because of having been hungry and cold no food and no fuel for heating. I could tell you stories from my family that are unreal and what they had to do to get some food and some fuel in those bitter bitter cold winters in the 40’s. I know how that feels because so many times in my life I had to do without, and trust me when on well fare (well fare is a joke btw) which I was when my kids were little after my first divorce and in my second – he spent all the money on booze – you do with so much without it isn’t funny.
    Maybe it is a trust issue on my part, baggage of not being provided for when I needed it, expected it and had a right to do so, as wife with children, that I save everything. (and that just kind of came into my mind about the trust). It may also have to do with the fact that 3 times in my life I lost everything.
    As you can see there are two battles going on, the battle for me to get things straightened out and shuck some old habits, the battle for me to use Rori’s tools and get my relationship back on track and it all kind of intermingles and gets mixed up. I also have to get over the past in this relationship and the mistakes I made by not knowing Rori’s tools. I have found Rori’s grounding tool to be a lot of help as far as I have been able to put it to use, but I am still learning it I just started with it.

    Basically him coming home early isn’t really the issue aside from the fact that I just got our of bed and looked a mess, the issue for me is that I didn’t get more done for myself during that time, I had my goals set higher and at times I just gave into not wanting to do it because I’d rather do something else. Also some dates that I went on took time away from that during which I could have done a lot. Lets face it most men do not like living in a mess and since I do not have a job at the moment taking proper care of the house is my job because I chose it to be. When I was working he helped with the regular stuff like dishes and laundry and taking out the garbage and all those things. However, MY stuff got just chucked into my room and I didn’t take the time to keep it organized. I used my energy on other things that I liked doing better. Once I get it all done I need to discipline myself to keep it nice. I also need to discipline myself to use Rorie’s tool and not fall into old relationship destructive habits.



  339.  #339Uschi on October 16, 2009 at 11:15 am

    Jo,
    darn I can really ramble on and I am glad I can write things down on this blog the way I do and the way it comes into my mind and work things out. It is really helpful. I forgot to address your other part of your post.

    I now read all the time that men like women who speak up for themselves and since reading Rori’s e-book I now have a way to do it with the I DON’T WANT and I FEEL messages which or course I have not had before. I went about expressing what I wanted in the wrong way by demanding it of him or nagging (including precious relationships) I just hope I can undo the damage from the past 8 years that we have been together and turn it around.



  340.  #340Uschi on October 16, 2009 at 11:25 am

    not precious but previous relationships – should do better proof reading LOL – one letter can really screw it all up geeeeesh



  341.  #341ginger on October 16, 2009 at 1:37 pm

    hi rori,
    i really like this guy and we have hung out a couple times but he is really depressed over his last break up which was like 2 months ago and says he hates himself. how do i get him to focus on me?



  342.  #342Rori Raye on October 16, 2009 at 10:06 pm

    Hi, Ginger, Welcome…and I’m just going to be very direct with you here…you sound very young, like high school…am I correct? If you are at all interested in a man who is depressed over his last break up, the only place to look is at your sef-esteem – which absolutely HAS to be very, very low for you to even CONSIDER spending time with a man to whom you come in a poor SECOND to his ex. Can you see this more clearly now from the outside? The very fact that you are interested in him (he can tell) when he KNOWS he’s not in a good place makes you seem desperate and needy, and completely eliminates the attraction. The only way to get a man out of someone else and into you is to be fabulous WITHOUT him. Please work with Circular Dating and all the Power Tools here, and I look forward to helping you get stronger and clearer. Love, Rori



  343.  #343ginger on October 17, 2009 at 10:41 am

    im actually 20 years old but, it turns out after i sent you this email he called me last night wanting to hang out. i went over to him and i made it very clear to him that im not here to fix you and im not here to be a shoulder to cry on. that my feelings for him are true. i guess im not too sure on what im doing, but i do know that after my last boyfriend, im not gonna let myself be used again for a guys personal gain. i do love myself.



  344.  #344Uschi on October 18, 2009 at 4:34 pm

    Well, he went off for the weekend Friday night and said he’d be home today in the evening. I will see what happens. It seems he’d rather spend his time on the boat or on the housebboat and I am wondering what I can do or say to keep him more here at home of make it less stressful for him here. I know that would falal into hte category overfunctioning, but to some extend I feel I should make it comfortable my man to come home or that he feels more comfortable when he is here. What can I do about that in the right way without overfunctioning or leaning forward?
    Any ideas or suggestions?



  345.  #345Daria on October 19, 2009 at 4:13 am

    Uschi – I would of course lean back… most likeley he will feel more comfortable when you are focusing on YOU of course…

    thinking about him is HIS business!!



  346.  #346Jo on October 19, 2009 at 4:26 am

    Hiya Uschi

    I am very much into Feng Shui, I am not a nut about it but there a certain principles i try to apply. Believe me I do have my ‘ I really cant be arsed to clean/declutter today after a long working week I am going to lay in bed with my cat and eat chocolate biscuits’ moments. So don’t be so hard on yourself.

    Found some basic info for you.

    Feng Shui and Clutter – an Essential Tip to Know

    An Essential Feng Shui Tip

    “Get Rid of Clutter” – Almost every good Feng Shui class or seminar would say it so. Ever wonder why? That’s because it’s the truth. The basic premise of Feng Shui is that your life experience, even the extent of your luck – is influenced by your surroundings. At the same time, the state of your home or workspace is a reflection of your mood and attitude. With clutter, most people cannot think clearly as they always looking for things among the mess. Imagine being feeling happy and good when your minds are always on finding things among the stacks of mess at home or in your office. You may heard about “Chi” (the flow of energy) and Feng Shui. Clutters basically affect the Chi, and thus your luck. Clutter creates bad Chi flow because it prevents good Chi from flowing within your environments.
    Clear the clutter and you clear the space for good Chi to flow, which is much better than placement of any Feng Shui ornaments, to kick-start the good Feng Shui in your environment.

    Have a read of this too, very useful indeed.

    IF YOU DON’T LOVE IT, SHOVE IT (The Feng Shui By Fishgirl Challenge)

    Only my opinion but i think before you start focusing on your relationship you should take some time out to focus on YOU. I think Rori’s tools will help you to do that. Her tools reminded me that my life is important and that i am not here just to look out for everyone else…. I matter. When others see how much i value myself then they start valuing me too. As a very busy person my time is precious and I don’t want to waste it on someone who doesn’t realise that.

    Just read this Uschi
    Well, he went off for the weekend Friday night and said he’d be home today in the evening. I will see what happens. It seems he’d rather spend his time on the boat or on the houseboat and I am wondering what I can do or say to keep him more here at home of make it less stressful for him here.

    To be honest i don’t think it you should be busting a gut to work out what you can do at home for him to spend more time with you there. If he values you then he should be happy to be with you wherever you are. In a tent, mansion or on the bliddy moon. Probably not easy for you but i would suggest you say to him.

    ” I have a lot of things i need to get sorted at the moment, and i need to spend time focusing on me. I can see you enjoy spending time on your boat, so enjoy. Also I need a break from worrying and declutter this weekend so I am going out with the girls/friends for a much needed night out. Give me a ring on Monday. Have a great weekend”

    And do just that. Go out, be you and have some fun and don’t worry what he is doing.

    I do understand that it is nice to have a hme that is clean, comfy and cosy but that shouldn’t be the inticement that makes your man want to spend time with you. Otherwise he may as well go and date someone who works at IKEA…….

    luv n hugs Jo xxx



  347.  #347la la land on October 19, 2009 at 10:09 am

    Dear Uschi ,

    make your house comfortable for you, make it that you like it,
    [ex: i seem to like flowers more then i used to have, the truth is that i was encouraged by the modern siren program and the word ‘outgirl’ to follow this direction, it makes another baby step in the ‘loving myself so he can love me’ direction, which seems to work nicely]

    also i took rory’s tip and i fill my diary with cultural events from the area, every time i leave home for work or self dating i feel i get 2 points. this works on several levels:
    1- I get to invest time and energy in things i like, in getting to know new people, in getting dressed looking good etc, and – it also seems to bring me work, but thats another story

    2- he gets to spend time at home without me – this is very relaxing for him

    3 – I get to be missed, suddenly he calls: when will you come home? – this feels very nice

    another tip: dont cook for him , just get the grocery’s, and let him take care of himself [his used to it, right?], this can undo allot of the stress, when you feel things had change dramatically for you, you can cook again, but not all the time

    good luck



  348.  #348Uschi on October 19, 2009 at 10:57 am

    Jo,

    I had to laugh about dating someone working at IKEA that was a good one – I love it. Maybe I’ll use that at some time in the future. We been living together for over 8 years and that has always been an issue for him that I have so much stuff. He would be perfectly happy to live on the boat with just some clothes and a few books (all about boating, diving and military history etc) he is a minimalist.

    I have heard of Feng Shui and Chi before but never really understood it. Read about how to place things, like in the bedroom the bed should not be under a window or on a wall that separates the bathroom. When putting something up in the bedroom it should be in twos to represent each one of you – things like that.

    His weekends have always been on the boat for as long as I have known him. We spent a really nice week out in the bay on the boat when we first got engaged and I have been asking him to do it again. Since I started working on Saturdays it kind of became a thing for me not to go to the boat on the weekends and that is fine with me most times cause it does get boring sometimes when he is just running lanes to scan.
    I have asked him in the past for another week on the boat – just for us to spend some time together ALONE and basically his whole year is planed out for his “work” with the boat and finding wrecks. He did get 2 grants from the state so far to do those jobs and it makes him immensely happy. I have taken the time when I was alone, what I call being a boat-widow, and done the things that I wanted to do and enjoy. I mean a couple does not have to pursue the same interests to be happy. However, I feel a couple needs to also take time for each other and spend time alone to recharge their love. That is the thing he has not been doing. I also feel that you are correct that the way the house look does not matter that much (though is should be nice and will use and try Feng Shui) and I believe there are other reasons that he has not been able to figure out.



  349.  #349la la land on October 19, 2009 at 11:50 am

    uschi and jo –
    cluttering brings to mind the famous ‘flylady’
    i took from her that basic idea that to keep a house clean we need 3 different kinds of actions: daily, weekly and monthly.
    this works very well, as i keep a list to check the weekly and monthly assignments [the daily ones i know ]
    this made a huge change in reducing my stress and overwhelmed reaction to the amount of clutter our life produces



  350.  #350Uschi on October 19, 2009 at 1:41 pm

    la la land

    love the tip on cooking however I only cook once or twice a week as it is – we kind of graze and eat when we are hungry – we have no set rules for dinner time or lunch etc and it has worked out well for us. Your tip also reminds me of a tip my second mother in law gave me when I had to go on an extended trip to Germany 21 years ago. I was worried about my then fiance and she said – he’ll be ok. After I came back the next day he asked me – whats for dinner – and I said what would you do if I still wasn’t here – he made a face went to the kitchen and took care of his hunger. I have always done so with my current and will continue to do so. He then appreciates when I do cook so much more (without patting myself on the back I am a pretty good cook especially the German stuff x’ept for Brussels sprouts lol and his 2 X’s couldn’t cook at all, neither could his mom) So that is not something that would make any changes in the current status cause it has always been that way. So, to make a difference I would have to go the other way and that would be over-functioning and leaning forward. I have made other changes though, where I always offered my help with almost anything and I have stopped doing that. If he wants help he is gonna have to ask for it and if he hasn’t stepped up to the plate to give me what I want on however small a scale to start with (for him I thinks those are baby steps too as much as for me at least in some way) he isn’t going to get it.
    Tonight he is leaving for another week till Sunday, getting his boat and doing scanning in Ocean City and then bringing the boat back into home port. I’ll be a boat-widow again for that time. Thing is how can I get him to take me out on the boat or spend more time with me after he gets back. Not sure how to put that into feeling messages that actually make him sit up and take notice. He has responded rather well to some of the first steps I have taken with leaning back and feeling messages, however I would like to see a little something more on a bigger scale from his side.



  351.  #351Chrissy on October 19, 2009 at 5:52 pm

    Hi Rori
    I am so hoping you can help me because I feel so confused and angry. Last night my partner of 2 years (we are moving in together next week) confessed some pretty heavy things to me re his past behaviour / habits (not cheating/infidelity). This behaviour was occurring while we were together and in fact has only ceased entirely six months ago. I now feel so conflicted – I feel angry because he was lying to me for the first year of our relationship but I feel grateful that he told me. I feel upset and almost betrayed. I woke up this morning so angry with him that I wanted to punch his lights out! But the behaviour is not occurring now (and except for the lying part did not actually do me any harm). So why do I feel like this? Should I be punishing him for past behaviour? Am I being a total fool?



  352.  #352tinque on October 19, 2009 at 6:15 pm

    having things kept from you feels like betrayal. so anger is a reasonable response, but there is much you are not saying here.
    did he keep it from you because he feared you would reject him, think differently of him?
    did he keep it from you because he’s ashamed, embarrassed?
    why now?
    if it’s something like drugs or alcohol, these are things to be wary of as in red flags.
    if it’s something truly harmless, it depends.
    is he really not engaging in this habit/behavior anymore?
    if yes how do your really know?
    If no how do you really know?
    xxoo



  353.  #353Chrissy on October 19, 2009 at 6:33 pm

    Hi Tinque
    Thank you for your comment. No, he is definitely not engaging in this anymore. Of that I am certain. He kept the true extent of the behaviour from me but I was aware of its possible existence if that makes sense. I am unsure as to why he confessed now but it was part of a conversation regarding our living together so whether he wanted a clean slate to start with? And yes, I think he may have kept it from me out of a combination of fear I would leave him and because he is a man who believes in dealing with problems himself, not relying on others (if that makes sense?)
    I am mainly wondering (and I have no idea how to use feeling messages here) as to whether I have the “right” to be angry or punishing over something past? Whether I am justified in feeling so angry / upset? xx



  354.  #354tinque on October 19, 2009 at 6:38 pm

    How about it feels bad having had things kept from me.
    Punishing is never productive. If you feel angry, say so. This doesn’t mean you have to act angry too. It can be stated calmly as in I feel angry about it. I feel concern there may be something else (if you do feel this)
    xxoo



  355.  #355Jo on October 20, 2009 at 3:46 am

    I think Chrissy it is good that he has been honest before moving in with you as it is obviously playing on his mind. Maybe he does want a clean slate. I do think you need to make it very clear ( boundaries) that from this moment on, if he wants to be with you then you will not be lied to and you will not have things hidden from you ever again. Now is the time for anything else he feels he needs to tell you, to do so. I have found things out that really upset me but in order for it not to do my head in and steal my energy i had to move on and let it go…. but never will i tolerate i hidden truth again.

    Uschi I think you should try to back off a bit from trying to get him to do things with you, it will drain you and make you feel more frustrated. The chap I was living with (half year separated at present) I spent far to much time trying to organise things with him. I would ask him “are you coming out tomorrow evening, do you fancy doing our own thing and going for a meal, shall we go and have a weekend away” I even suggested going to watch his favourite footie team. Most of the time it was clear he wasn’t interested in making an effort. He would be far happier chilling indoors with me, watching a DVD. This is nice but after many, many months of this being his only effort to spend time with me I decided enough. I got fed up with his lethargic attitude when it came to socialising with me and whenever his fair weather friends would call to arrange something he was up for it, organised and miraculously found enough money to go and enjoy.

    I don’t expect roses, diamonds and exotic holidays from him but i would like to do more than sit watching a DVD that i am not really interested in, ferrying around making cups of tea like Doris from On The Buses. There are other issues that i wasn’t happy with. The main one, is his belief that it is acceptable to tell lies. The boundaries i have in place now are ‘lie to me then we are done, hide things from me then we are finished” I cannot accept lies as they are so destructive to any relationship. He now knows I am not scared to walk away.

    Reading about circular dating I was very hesitant to try this. I did and it it had a very positive outcome. Number one it reminded me that I am a sexy, sassy lady who guys really enjoy the company off, number 2 my chap picked up on my self esteem increase and wanted to be around me more, Number three I was to busy to keep suggesting things we do together like some frustrated holiday rep and i didn’t feel let down anymore. Number 4 he is realising that unless he can make an effort then I am not going to wait around in the wings. I am capable of love, honesty, affection and loyalty and i am not going to share these qualities with someone who can’t value them or me.

    At the weekend I went out and invited a lot of friends i hadn’t seen. I didn’t ask my boyfriend as i wanted to be free to enjoy the evening on my own and he didn’t know these people. I had a great time and met an old friend of mine. He is a very kind, handsome, intelligent hard working guy who would be a real catch for any single lady. As everyone went home we decided to go on and have a drink somewhere else. Something I would never of done before, i felt like a naughty school girl. I had such a great time. Just chatted but it was felt nice to be treated like a lady. Next day my boyfriend asked about my evening and i told him the truth. I was honest and and didn’t play any “I am trying to make you jealous girly games” He was most surprised i had gone off on my own in the company of another guy and had a good evening. He was also upset because he asked why I hadn’t responded to his texts “are you having a nice evening” … my reason was I had left my phone at home. Pah.. 🙂

    My BF came to see me yesterday evening with a new CD I had been looking for, an idea for a weekend away and was more attentive and fun to around. Today he has been sending me fun, flirty texts like he used to. So a little shake up hasn’t done any harm. Don’t get me wrong I am not making him jump through hoops or being a bitch I am just not prepared to tolerate being second best in his world.

    I am away this weekend with the the girls for a much needed weekend of chilling out, spas, reading and partying. I think Uschi you should start planning treats and trips for your self. You obviously enjoy boating. So why not arrange a weekend boating with your mates. I think it would send your BF would be totally thrown of course ( no pun intended 🙂 ) if you did that. You would get some fun time to yourself and he would get the message that you could possible be getting fed up with chasing after him trying to get him to spend time with you and you have decided to have fun with others.

    luv n hugs Jo xxxxx

    Oh my goodness I do waffle on, must get some work done now x



  356.  #356T.R. on October 20, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    I am feeling confused about the commitment level of my boyfriend. He came over the other night and hugged me and told me that he feels scared because he knows he is in love with me and he is scared of getting hurt. I told him that I too am scared. We then discussed what we want in this relationship. I explained that I feel that moving forward would include us staying the night together more frequently. To me this is a normal progression. He said he understands this is important to me, then said he was “trying to prepare himself mentally to give me what I want”. I do not want to pressure him. But I do feel like we need to move forward. I am circular dating and enjoying my time. However, I am feeling like he and I are stuck. I don’t want to not date him, I just want to move forward. Any ideas on how to inspire him to take the action of moving forward? (his words and actions don’t match).



  357.  #357Uschi on October 20, 2009 at 10:58 pm

    Jo,
    I am not trying to get him to do things with me nor am I making efforts at all to plan things for us and since I started leaning back I haven’t asked at all to go out on the boat with him or anything of the sort. I have totally stopped offering to come help with skippering the boat so he can get sleep (like on 30+ hr trips) or like for the last times when he has gone far like FL and DE offering to help with car rides. Obviously he has his buddies for that.
    I am just leaning back right now and hope that these tools are going to work for me and get this relationship back on track



  358.  #358Jo on October 21, 2009 at 2:39 am

    Hiya Uschi

    Sounds like a good plan.
    Let me know how the Feng Shui goes.

    x



  359.  #359la la land on October 21, 2009 at 1:02 pm

    hi rori
    over the years it seems my husband collected a bench of ‘girlfriends’ or emotional backup as i read somewhere, this used to be very messy for us, but i decided to let go, try better our overall situation, and out-girl those woman with my Rory tools, we have been through a major change, i completely forgot about them, but here they are again today. visiting a place for work he actually made sure i know he meets two of them today, one for lunch one for dinner[!], i admit this confuses me. we were doing very good he was saying that himself
    i feel in the dark here, help..



  360.  #360Uschi on October 21, 2009 at 2:11 pm

    la la land

    could it be that by him telling you about it he is kind of letting you know they don’t mean anything ?



  361.  #361la la land on October 21, 2009 at 3:02 pm

    yes, he sais he dont want to need to hide or feel afraid, that i should lighten up that its most normal and legit…etc, i dont know, i just dont like this direction , i want not to discus it at all and continue focusing on me, i need to preaper a comment that i know by heart for this situations, because everything i say come out bad
    like i lost all the advantages i gained
    i think im taking a weekend by myself to a conference -work related



  362.  #362Aldonza on October 22, 2009 at 7:47 am

    @la la land
    What’s stopping you from doing the same thing? Time to circular date and get energy from other sources.



  363.  #363la la land on October 22, 2009 at 9:38 am

    thanks aldonza, i’m trying but i guess i feel clumsy + its not easy to find people i find attractive, anyway, just booked my hotel and train tickets… nice weekend to you all



  364.  #364Uschi on October 22, 2009 at 11:21 am

    la la land
    Aldonza is right whats good for the goose is good for the gander or in this case the other way around. I have seriously thought about doing the same thing as he is doing and having someone else on the side or for weekends. However, I have not found anyone and it just doesn’t feel right to me. Two wrongs don’t make a right. With circular dating its different cause there is nothing committed there unless you go that deeper with someone, and its just for drinks and friendly talk and I would NEVER go to bed with any of them.



  365.  #365Diane on October 22, 2009 at 6:00 pm

    My question is about “friends with benefits”. There is a guy that I have been in a flirty relationship with for over a year. We have gone out a couple of times casually and the most we have done is kiss. There is no doubt for either of us that there is a strong sexual attraction between us. My problem is that I want a committed relationship and he swore he would never be in another relationship after a divorce from a marriage of 25 years. Normally I wouldn’t think twice about just having sex and hoping it would grow into something else, but I know that if I go there it will never be what I want it to be and I feel this is different with him. I have held my ground so far. But, I am getting to the point where I’m thinking “what have I got to lose?” I don’t have him committed without having sex, so I might as well just do it and at least get that much out of it. But….. I am so head over heels for him. We have a great relationship otherwise. We like the same things and have a perfect comfort level with each other and we get along very well. We see each other everyday because we work together. Until this past May, he was actually my boss, but I’ve since gotten a promotion and now we have the same boss. I thought at first him being my boss was part of the reason, but now I just don’t know what to do. I still keep hoping that he’ll change his mind.
    Diane



  366.  #366Amanda on October 23, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    I feel lost right now, and I’m shaking. I don’t know what to think.

    About an hour ago, I discovered that my live-in boyfriend of 3 years has been looking at personal ads online, for women seeking men. I’m not sure if he’s replied to any ads, but looking hurts enough as it is. Looking at porn and looking at personal ads are two completely different things to me.

    I don’t know if I should confront him, leave it be and say it’s just curiosity, or take it at face value.

    Face value being that he’s looking for someone else, either to have on the side, or to replace me. That I’m really NOT the one he wants to marry, though he swears I am.

    Help please.



  367.  #367Uschi on October 25, 2009 at 10:51 am

    Rori,
    I’ve got a job interview coming up and I am just wondering if some of your tools if any would be beneficial in use trying to get that job. A man is a man is a man right?
    Thanks



  368.  #368la la land on October 26, 2009 at 3:55 am

    well, focusing on me and my work is doing great to my self confidence and off the obsession track, i had a weekend in the city by myself, which felt lonely but brave, i have been to a work related conference and went to the theater in the evening, followed by a club which was fun,
    i have a lot to think about, so i can use that time alone.
    i even took the train time to write poetry … thanks for the tip.
    coming home was strange, and in no time it turned into a very ugly ‘like in the old days’ fight.
    im sorry, but i still dont get it, i think our feelings are so deep berried, we have no access to them, that makes all my efforts feel like power games, whats wrong here?



  369.  #369Flipper on October 26, 2009 at 5:51 am

    Hi Uschi – I remember Rori writing that her techniques can very well serve on the job – not as a subsitute for ‘boy skills’ of course, but to enhance them and our level of effective communication. Good luck with your interview.
    Hugs.



  370.  #370Flipper on October 26, 2009 at 6:00 am

    La la land – that’s my difficulty, as well. But when I get to and allow those feelings to be felt, that’s when something happens. How about just concentrating all your efforts on getting to and slogging through that soup. In touch with all those feelings, just within yourself. (For company, you can use your Nasty Voices by sitting them in the corner with a cookie, and eventually by retraining them to speak in your favor rather than tearing you down.) For the moment, save most of your communication to others of your deep feelings until you’ve really been with them, all of them, up close and personal. xxoo



  371.  #371Flipper on October 26, 2009 at 6:13 am

    Keep practicing with the smaller stuff, and backing away when you don’t feel heard or respected. That’s not being defensive, but it is defending our real interests, by showing our intolerance of things feeling wrong. (Rori even recommends physically backing away, rather than turning our back to exit, if that’s feasible.)



  372.  #372la la land on October 26, 2009 at 12:47 pm

    thanks flipper, i will
    good luck Uschi



  373.  #373T.R. on October 26, 2009 at 11:19 pm

    I am feeling pressure on myself, by myself. I am feeling that I want “everything” now in my relationship. After almost a year in a relationship is it “normal” to expect certain things, or this generally how women, and not men tend to think? I have talked with the man I am dating about what I want, and he has responded pretty well, better than I had expected. However, I am left feeling like I have pressured him, but by not speaking my feelings I don’t feel I am being honest withmyself. With all of this I am circular dating still. I went out for dinner with an old friend last week. Still, my mind wonders, am I in the wrong by expecting things after being together for a certain amount of time? Is it a “woman thing”?



  374.  #374Still*In*Love on October 27, 2009 at 1:33 am

    I just got out of a long term relationship with my high school sweetheart, whom I was with for almost a decade. He was my first and only sex partner. We tried working things out, but sadly it did not work. I am still not over my ex, not even by an inch, but I feel like I need to start dating because I am in my mid 20’s and would like to have a family within the next 5 years.

    I am being pursued by a couple of men (they initiate all the conversations, and have not stopped pursuing me even though I have nicely declined any dates they invite me on). I am afraid to start a new relationship because ever since I broke up with my ex I have had some negative self-esteem issues. My ex always told me how sexy I was , but now I am afraid to date other guys because I am afraid to get close and get hurt if they do not find my body attractive. I have been told that I am beautiful all my life (by guys, family, strangers, acquaintances, etc.). I became overweight during my relationship, but I do not really look fat (maybe because I am tall and it shows less). I think I am attractive, but I am not in denial about my “flaws”. I don’t consider my weight too much as a negative thing, but what bothers me are my stretchmarks.

    So my question here is can a man see beyond the stretch marks? I have never been pregnant, these stretch marks were a result of a growth spurt I had when I was younger. I have them on my arms and my buttocks. I feel that they are anything but sexy! I can’t even wear sleeveless or short sleeve shirts. I am afraid that the men I start to date will be turned off by this and not pursue me any longer. I don’t plan on sleeping with them, but if I ever felt that I wanted to take it to the next level I don’t think I would feel confident, like I did when I was with my ex. I love who I am and I know what I want in life, but for some reason I can’t get it out of my head that no one will ever love me because of my stretch marks, no matter if I’m a great catch or not.

    Can someone please give me some insight? Thank you.

    Still*In*Love



  375.  #375Amy on October 27, 2009 at 7:01 am

    Amanda,
    My heart is crushed for you. What is status now? Did you confront him? Remember some of Rori’s techniques for communicating. I am not good at these speeches, but perhaps a direct confrontation is in order. I know you are just aching. I’m aching for you. Going to him and saying something like, “I feel shattered that you would consider seeking out someone other than me,” and then ask him something that will lead him into a conversation about it. He needs to feel safe. Your vulnerability is real and it’s probably beneficial, but attacking will go no where. Your broken heart is what you really feel. Anger might be laced through there, but really, isn’t it hurt at the root of it? So although you might be ready by today to burn all he has and scream and throw a fit, I don’t think that will go anywhere. Maybe he has valid points that don’t excuse looking for someone else while he is in a committed relationship and leading you to believe he wants to marry you, but that can explain where he is and what’s going on with him. Is he lonely for some reason? Has he put a lot of pressure on himself over something – work, a project, success in the relationship? Does he feel that he’s failing at these things? Is he looking for someone that will be flirty with him and build him up? Is he just simply taking you for granted? He may not know the answer to what he’s doing and why….but talking it out might help you figure it out. And he needs to know how much it hurts you. I can only imagine where you are at right now. I don’t know you and I hurt for you. Surely a man that loves you will empathize with your pain and talk this out. You’ll have to find a way to be calm going in b/c there are a lot of tools that will need to be put in play here. Lean back. Nod as he talks. Know how you feel going in…are you hurt or angry? What is your true emotion? Will he be angry and feel betrayed that you looked at what he was doing on line? Is it appropriate to lead into the conversation w/an apology owning up to that part? Maybe it is nothing to feel sorry for…maybe in these circumstances when someone is not being altogether faithful and honest you have the right to know what is going on, for if you don’t know the truth how can you be free? He is in the wrong here…that’s for sure. Seeking out a relationship while in a committed relationship, whether the searching is via internet, club, gym, whatever…it’s dishonest and destroys trust. I hear you on your perspective in comparing it to porn, but it’s okay to feel the same way about porn. If that hurts you and you sharing your body with him is contingent on him sharing that part of his life only with you…that is YOUR decision and your boundary to draw. If you don’t stand up for yourself on these issues, you will wind up a shell on these fronts. You can do all you can to change and adapt to his way of thinking, but if you see either or both of those things as being unfaithful, you owe no one an apology. There is so much that goes into a committed relationship…I’m not trying to start a debate…I’m trying to make the point, a man is either committed or he is not. You need what you need. Living in doubt of where his heart is will eat at your soul until you are beaten down and so much less of a version that your true self that he will use that as a reason not to give you all he is. Guys don’t seem to live in a world where they say, “I caused X and Y resulted. If I change X, Y will be affected.” They typically just look at what it is in the now and take the most appealing route. I sound so bitter, but it seems so true. And even these tools seemed geared to that. A woman could tell another woman, “X hurts me and I need Y.” The other woman would react based on that, more than likely. But with a man, we have to lean back, let him feel he’s in the lead, do all these things that don’t involve many words b/c words drown him. So be careful as you confront him. Don’t barrell in with a bunch of words. I am sure you want to scream and cry and tell him of all your hurts and wounds and all he’s done to break your heart even though you’ve been there through thick and thin. It won’t have the result you want. (Don’t give him any ammo to say, “See? I have to be with this crazy person…why wouldn’t I seek out a fantasy life?” or anything of the sort…be calm and real and centered…stay focused.) Him seeing that he’s crushed you…that’s the real picture. Maybe that will get the result you want.

    And then…although you want to pull the covers over your head and sleep for a good three weeks…don’t. Get up bright and early every day. Work out…run…do yoga…whatever tickles your fancy. Dress up. Wear makeup – don’t forget the lipstick/gloss. Wear your favorite jewelry and perfume. Don’t skimp on your hair & nails. Fix up like you are going to be dining w/your favorite celebs. And look in every mirror you pass. Be proud of who you are and all that makes you the wonderful woman you are. Be proud of the features that make you beautiful. Feel sorry for the rest of us that we don’t have your eyes…lips…hips…whatever 🙂 Know that you are no less than any woman he could ever seek out if he had all the time in the world. Pity him that he’s so foolish that he’d overlook you even for a moment and be proud to grace the rest of us with your presence. Hope for him that he doesn’t lose you to one of the fabulous men you’ll incounter in the coming weeks as your guy is working to pull his head out.

    Embrace yourself. Fill every moment you can with things and people you love and that bring you warmth. You’re worth it. Good luck!



  376.  #376tinque on October 27, 2009 at 8:18 am

    “I am feeling that I want “everything” now in my relationship. After almost a year in a relationship is it “normal” to expect certain things?… Still, my mind wonders, am I in the wrong by expecting things after being together for a certain amount of time? Is it a “woman thing”?”

    TW – First please take the word wrong out of your vocabulary. There is no right or wrong about anything. There IS a bad feeling feeling or a good feeling feeling though.
    Unfortunately expectations usually lead to disappointment, and more potentially sadly is that men’s timetables are usually not the same as ours.
    A year is a VERY short time. Especially the older we are, the longer it takes to REALLY get to know another. I would venture two if not three years. If your man is being attentive, affectionate, into you in every way, then I would suggest being patient, practicing curiosity in every moment, expecting nothing thus leaving room to be pleasantly surprised when something that feels good comes your way.
    I waited THREE years to get my first “I love you”. In words. I learned instead to pay attention to all the “I love yous” spoken with action, not words. This was an amazing lesson for me. My ex said all the perfect words all the time, but their was nothing at all to back them up.
    I never stated an intention with my man as Rori suggests, mostly because I really didn’t have one at them time. I could FEEL our connection. I could FEEL the commitment. I could FEEL the faithfulness/loyalty.
    Yes it bothered me at times greatly not to have words, but this taught me to really FEEL and trust my intuition.
    We took it one day at a time, both of us with the hope that this was our forever connection. Happily it proved as such.
    As long as he’s walking the walk, TW, try not to worry about the talk. If he isn’t, then maybe this relationship needs rethinking.
    A great relationship cannot be rushed. It takes love and nurturing and time.
    xxoo



  377.  #377tinque on October 27, 2009 at 8:22 am

    Amanda – I agree with Amy that you have to decide if your man’s actions are a deal breaker for YOU. Looking at porn is one thing, for if you are familiar with my story at all, I discovered that porn is not necessarily a bad thing; it can even enhance a relationship, but in MY book, checking out the personals is crossing a line. That ME.
    You do need to speak to him about your feelings. You feel angry. You feel sad. You feel as if cheated on. Whatever it is you feel. Ask for his help with your feelings.
    xxoo



  378.  #378Simply Shannon on October 27, 2009 at 8:32 am

    T.R. – I was reading back through the posts from you above and it seems like this is an ongoing issue in your relationship. I sense you’ve been unhappy with where things are for awhile now. I agree somewhat with Tinque that it takes time to get to know someone but what you are feeling right now doesn’t feel good. I don’t want to be in an exclusive relationship with a man if I don’t feel good about where we’re going. If my man is rowing and I feel confident we’re going over the bridge, then it would feel good to continue on and see what happens. But if the man is sitting there looking at me and it feels like nothing is happening, then no, I don’t want that.

    Tough love here – you’ve been asking the same question (essentially) for several posts. Why not try the no-girlfriend speech and go out and circular date? I know it took me awhile to get there (I was pretty much forced there) because my fear of losing him blocked me. I felt stuck. The thing is… nothing changes if nothing changes. Besides, he might finally realize what he’s got and surprise the hell out of you by being the man he needs to be and rowing that boat for you!!



  379.  #379T.R. on October 27, 2009 at 11:40 am

    Tinque and Simply Shannon,

    Thank you to you both. One thing I know about myself is that in all of my past relationships I have been very heavily pursued, very quickly. In college I moved in with a guy 9 years older than me after 4 months, partly because of him asking me several times. A few years later I got married very quickly to a man I knew for a short time. So, I know in my head and my heart on one level that I need to accept taking things at a much slower pace, in order to give it a chance of lasting. However, because this is not what I am used to, it feels scary to me.
    He is most of the time walking the walk. I have communicated my feelings and that I want to build a future with a family. His response was that he wants this too, but that he does not want to rush things because in both of our experiences, rushing things have only hurt us.
    And, you are right Simply Shannon, I have been fearful of saying the “no girlfriend speach”. This is something I have to work through, I feel, in order to go for what I really want.
    Perhaps this is a good lesson for myself to not only be patient and give a relationship a chance to be healthy, but also to learn when is the right time for me to give the no girlfriend speach. I feel as though my past experiences of rushed relationships are skewing my current “expectations”. And, expectation does lead to disappointment.
    Thank you both for your insight. It helps me to process my feelings and decide what the best next step for me will be.



  380.  #380Rori Raye on October 27, 2009 at 12:16 pm

    Still in Love, Welcome…and I know you will get so much help here….First – forget about the kind of exclusive relationship you think of as relationship, and focus on the Tool of Circular Dating. The Targeting Mr. Right category here will help you, plus — all the fabulous women here will share their stories with you…just keep reading everything. “Looks” have nothing to do with attraction. You’ll get it if you keep reading. Love, Rori



  381.  #381Simply Shannon on October 27, 2009 at 12:49 pm

    Still In Love: I read your post and I felt compelled to respond! I have stretch marks and lots of them. Some from growing quickly when I was younger and some from childbirth. I also have a flabby belly from carrying twin boys full term. IT DOES NOT MATTER! If you carry yourself as if you are an absolute bombshell, men will fall all over themselves to be with you. I used to have a real hang-up about my butt. (Still do really but I’m getting better.) I have had at least 3 guys in the last month tell me how much they like my butt. The one guy I’m seeing a lot of lately has said it repeatedly and I notice when he makes it a point to let me go first so he can check out my butt! 🙂 It’s kind of funny really.

    Next time you go to the grocery store or wherever you go, envision that every man in that store wants you. Seriously think it in your head like a mantra. “He wants me, he wants me”. I promise that you will notice men looking at you differently. It is the craziest thing but I swear it works!!

    And just so you know… men do not fall in love with us because we have perfect bodies or we are sexual maniacs who know how to rock their world. NO! They love us because we are women. We come in all shapes and sizes. Remember, even celebrities who have perfect bodies get dumped just like the rest of us!

    If I were in your shoes, I’d be accepting dates and practicing with Rori’s tools. Rori really knows what she’s talking about! It is truly magic if you just give it a chance to work!!

    Good luck and keep posting! I feel happy to defend our bodies and our stretch marks!!!



  382.  #382Flipper on October 27, 2009 at 1:06 pm

    Still*in*Love

    Just heard a talk by a male fertility biologist/sexologist/studier of long-term relationships. He explained how men just ADORE our bodies, however they are, AS LONG as WE ADORE them. Men couldn’t care LESS about things like stretch marks, unless we do. For him, it’s women’s poor body image of themselves which causes the problems in this dept. It’s when we look in the mirror and say, in front of our partner – look how my boobs are sagging, I have such horrid new wrinkles, cheez I’m so fat, you must be disgusted – that he’ll believe us and start to feel that way.

    Also, the other day I was at a play reading. All the amateur actors were marvelous, so into their characters, at ease in front of the audience, which was very close by. Near the end, I noticed that the young female lead, who was wearing a short sleeved, low-cut top, had scarring all over her arm and upper torso. I felt such a pang of pride and happiness for her, obviously being and feeling the lovely young girl that she was and beaming it out for all to see, exactly as she is.

    Just like all your most wretched feelings, learn to love your stretch marks – it’s good practice for when the wrinkles start. And actually, according to sexologist guy, when the wrinkles start is the age when most women are really mature sexually (for their own and partner’s benefit and mutual love) – it’d be such a shame to miss that cuz of some hang-up about crow’s feet!



  383.  #383tinque on October 27, 2009 at 1:37 pm

    Amen to this Flipper!!!
    “when the wrinkles start is the age when most women are really mature sexually (for their own and partner’s benefit and mutual love) – it’d be such a shame to miss that cuz of some hang-up about crow’s feet!”

    They say a woman comes into her own sexually in her thirties. I say forties and beyond. It’s an amazing thing. Sex now is like NOTHING before.

    Still*in*Love – Any man worth anything does not care a whit about what you look like. he wants to feel safe with you. Men are wonderful in their ability to only see the woman they love. They just don’t see the things we deem as flaws, and even if they do, they just DON’T CARE. They see you as a whole picture, not this piece here, that piece there. YOU. They see you, the one they love. And if YOU love this YOU, they will only love you all the more.



  384.  #384la la land on October 27, 2009 at 3:11 pm

    i feel i done my homework,
    i was feeling terrible coming home into a fight, i leaned back, way back, took me three days to realize i was angry-ashamed – resisting that – facing my anger – sinking into it [having no sex while i take my time to clear my head] and coming out on the other side, positive and relieved.

    today i was invited officially by my husband to join him to a weekend in the city next month, this is something that had not happened before. this is a change

    the key here for me was that i need to learn to trust my boundaries not him, and stop being hard with myself , learning to forgive my mistakes as part of the process this are simple clear healthy new truths for a better today and a better tomorrow, as you can see im very optimistic today… a very powerful concept,



  385.  #385la la land on October 27, 2009 at 3:23 pm

    i had my first proper feeling massage today, the kids drove me mad and i said: i feel like crying, and he was sweet in return, i know its not much of a feeling, but it felt like a proper baby step. im content.

    and about body image ans sex just do the melting thing its so good, and learn to love and forgive yourself + 10 min of exercise a day, makes a real difference…its a baby step, but it works



  386.  #386Flipper on October 27, 2009 at 3:27 pm

    I feel so good to hear about you feeling yourself through to a better place, la la land. Yae for Siren feel-good stories.



  387.  #387la la land on October 27, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    ‘Yae for Siren feel-good stories.’ Amen…



  388.  #388Matina on October 28, 2009 at 3:05 pm

    Hi Rori and everyone!

    I’ve taken your advice about start circular dating, so I ordered your targeting mr right program and subscribed to attend a speed dating game on sunday, in order to start the process. Any suggestions and quick tips untill my program arrives? how many dates should I accept? Should it be also dates I am not very attracted to? I am kind of nervous to be honest!!!
    Kisses
    Matina



  389.  #389Tatiana on October 28, 2009 at 3:48 pm

    Dear Rori!

    I was watching your Heart Connection Tool Kit and noticed a lot of mistakes that I am making with men. I tried to start circular dating and realized that it is not easy. I met couple of guys online (different days of course) and they both said that I was an amazing woman and thay would like to see me again. We went to a museum and to a restaurant and we laughed a lot and everything seemed very nice. One of them sends me emails almost every day, another one called couple of days later and said that he wanted to see me again later this week. But other than this one time they never call me. And, I see the first one online all the time. Besides that I feel bad that he also sees me there and I thought he was there because he realized that I was online and figured that I did not like him enough? What does it mean when the guy says he likes you a lot and wants to see you, but never calls? I am frustrated and a little discouraged. I began to believe in destiny and that happy ever after is just not for me…



  390.  #390Rocket on October 28, 2009 at 5:21 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I really want to circular date but am finding it hard to find any one man worth dating, let alone several. Where are they?

    I am dating myself and flirting – but I’m not sure if I should bother dating men I don’t particularly like or connect with. It seems pointless and a waste of time as I am quite busy.

    I rarely get asked on dates. Where do others find men? I am already on a dating site but hardly anyone who contacts me catches my eye.



  391.  #391Rori Raye on October 28, 2009 at 5:42 pm

    Tatiana, Welcome, and again, my reply turned into a post, so I’ll jump off from your wonderful comment…look for it…Rori



  392.  #392Maria on October 28, 2009 at 11:24 pm

    a confusing thing l have. there is a man lm really attracted to, lve been seeing him a since june, he had told me about our future together etc, but whats confusing is, that no matter of all the nice things he had said to me, there is something l cant explain going on. First – he can, out of the blue, disconnect himself totally, as in, there are times, when his phone is off 24h, and he explains it as “charger is off”. Or out of the blue, he had just texted me and when l ring him, he does not anser, and later he said, his phone was on charge.
    Anyway, the phone isnt the reason of all the uncertainty, but whats confusing is – one day he is absolute sunshine, but it can turn totally difrent another day. l read Roris eletter about hot and cold and it lead me thinking – with the right guy you wudnt have those “covered” moments, that lead you to question, isnt it? You just know he is all your. lm in a bit of an uncertainty field, like l can feel in my body someting isnt right.
    And the problem is l love him….:(
    l have told him what l wanted, a man who is….(my terms) and he absolutely feels no way about me dating others, however l find that when l have dated others, my heart still rips out for him.



  393.  #393Aldonza on October 29, 2009 at 7:19 am

    @Maria

    Respect what your feelings are telling you more than anything he tells you. What you’re doing is registering little indiscrepancies between what he’s saying and what he’s doing. You’re “reading” him just fine but he’s messing with the radar by telling you something else.

    You know there is something else going on. You don’t need us here to confirm what you already know. Is it another woman? Work stress? Something shady? The specifics don’t matter. All that matters is that he is hiding something *big* from you and no relationship can grow with that level of mistrust on both sides. He doesn’t trust you enough to tell you and you’re learning not to trust what he *does* tell you.

    Even if you love him, you need to pull back, *way* back to protect yourself from further hurt right now. If you can’t walk away fully, make sure that you’re circular dating up a storm. Date yourself too. Crowd him out of your time (if not your thoughts) for now. Circular dating doesn’t change your feelings for him, but it does change your feelings for yourself. It also keeps you busy so you have less time and energy to invest in him.

    *hugs*



  394.  #394Mary Beth on October 29, 2009 at 11:19 am

    Hi Rori,

    I am involved in a rather “unique” friendship with a man I met online about 4 months ago. We went on one date, which, at the time, was “just average”. I didn’t feel much attraction to him or from him at that time. Due to our vacation schedules we emailed throughout the month of July approximately 1-2x a week and spoke on the phone once or twice (we both hate talking on the phone). We definitely made a mind/intellectual connection during that time. Prior to going out for the second time, he informed me he got the impression I just wanted to be friends and he was feeling the same way. I agreed to be his friend and we started to spend 1-3 days together a week, went on overnight trips, I stayed overnight at his place and even slept in the same bed, emailed 3-5x a wk, and he has met some of my friends. However, absolutely NO physical contact, other than hugs, has happened.

    After a month of spending time together, I told him I developed feelings for him and wondered if he felt the same way. He said he didn’t feel the same way, but hoped my feelings wouldn’t “get in the way of our friendship”. I agreed to be his friend for a few reasons: 1. I thought he would change his mind, 2. my feelings would fade, 3. I could learn something from having a straight male friend, and 4. I was hoping would change his mind if I lost weight (I have since lost 30 lbs with 20 more to go– but I am still HOT*smirk*!).

    When I agreed to be his friend, I asked him to agree not to talk about other women with me (yet, I could if I wanted to–but I don’t really say much). Also, I needed to be reassured he would not develop feelings for me down the road (I know, my intention was mostly honest–at the time). He agreed to both of my terms and I agreed to let him know if I was “pining” after him, as I didn’t want to be “that girl”. I have continued to meet men, Circular Date (although not consistently) during the past four months.

    Well, now that I have read all of your blogs, read your newsletters, Tools, and bought the e-book and Modern Siren Program (WONDERFUL by the way!!!). I am feeling much more empowered about myself and I just started to use the tools in full force this week. We have continued to spend 1-2x a week together, emailed, etc. and for the past month, I have leaned back and allowed him to initiate and plan activities, which he done 75% of the time (me 25%–still practicing leaning back). When I limited my availability, he then asked to make plans with me for the entire month of October and the a concert in mid-November. He has even paid (and I let him) the last 3 times we went out (before, I felt more comfortable trading who pays and making sure it was fair). However, he has yet to make any non-friendship moves on me, but I do feel there is something more than just a platonic friendship.

    I know I am feeling I want more than just his friendship, BUT I am also feeling torn between valuing his friendship and wanting him as a boyfriend/partner.

    MY QUESTIONS:

    1. How would you feel about this developing into more if you were in my situation?–give it too me straight!
    2. Do you feel it would be “Siren-like” to let him know I would be open to more than just friendship? If so, should I wait a little longer for him to see my fully developed Siren (oh, how I love that term!)
    3. What type of feeling message(s) could I use to let him know how I am feeling?
    4. Any additional Tools, advice, or suggestions for me, I know I am not the only one in this situation.

    Thank you for all your AMAZING advice, your gifts, and the wisdom you share!! I look forward to your response!

    Many blessings to you,
    Mary Beth



  395.  #395Lisa on October 29, 2009 at 1:37 pm

    Hi Rori,
    I’m a mother of 3 in a relationship with “John” for 15 months. He is a divorced father of 2 children, owns a multi-million dollar company, his ex wife cheated on him. He admits to being slow as a snail in regards to commitment. We have a great , monogomous relationship in every way since we started having sex a year ago. At that time I was very clear that I am only interested in a growing, respectful, intimate relationship with a clear path that leads to marraige. He agreed he wants the same. We have seen eachother every day we do not have our children.
    I’m ready for the next step even though it is very confusing with 5 children. I’m open to having 2 houses for a while, etc. When I bring up the topic he turns cold and avoids any discussion surrounding marraige. Sometime he will make a joke if I ask a serious question regarding commitment.. About a month ago,I sent him an email with a clear indication of the type of relationship I want with written answers because he is so unclear in our discussions. Although he still calls and we see eachother, it was clear that he was pulling back!

    In reading your book I have realized I have gone about it all wrong. I realize I don’t listen to him with compassion or ask him with a start to my feeling while ending..what do you think. I was already amazed at how listening at level 2 allowed me to see his perspective and I have already noticed a small change in him.
    I recently started practicing your commitment blueprint and am committed to the program. I would like to thank you for the words of inspiration on your book. I definately have confidence issues and am working on those…

    I am both very anxious and exited about reporting the results in 9 weeks…

    Lisa



  396.  #396B on October 29, 2009 at 3:50 pm

    Hi Rori and Friends,

    I don’t have the Toxic Man program, but I am beginning to believe I am in a relationship with one.

    He has sweet, beautiful intentions, but grew up in a very unhealthy environment (parents hate each other but won’t divorce due to religion), and experienced the same nastiness in his previous marriage, which was forced upon him by his mother (who threatened to disown him if he didn’t marry the mother of his child). She cheated on him when they were married two months and he was staying home with the baby.

    I live with this man. We’ve been together for two years, living together for a year and a half. I realize that was my first mistake (among many others, I’m sure!)… But it’s too late now!

    I’m attached to this guy. I love him, and I respect him at a base level that I don’t respect even most people around me. But how do you use Rori’s wisdom to your advantage when you LIVE with the guy and don’t feel comfortable moving out?

    I don’t think there’s any chance that he’ll ever propose to me on his own, and like all gals, I DO want to be a wife someday, and not a permanent girlfriend… But can I achieve this goal of opening his eyes without moving out?

    Help!



  397.  #397Rori Raye on October 31, 2009 at 1:24 pm

    B – Welcome, and I’m going to turn my answer into a post – get the RSS feed, and look for it…Love, Rori



  398.  #398Rori Raye on October 31, 2009 at 1:28 pm

    Lisa, Welcome – and so glad you’re working the Tools – be sure to let us know how it goes…Love, Rori



  399.  #399Rori Raye on October 31, 2009 at 1:32 pm

    Mary Beth, Welcome, and here are two suggestions. One – how do you know he’s not gay? And two – you absolutely cannot see a man like this as a friend when you have feelings for him. It’s disrespectful to yourself. Write a speech sharing that you feel more than friendship for him, and so you can’t continue to be this close to him as a friend, it’s getting in the way of your goal – which is to be married. AND – this has to be the TRUTH for you!!! Let us see the speech, and we’ll let you know what we think…and help you deliver it.



  400.  #400Rori Raye on October 31, 2009 at 1:36 pm

    Rocket, Welcome – and Circular Dating isn’t all that concerned with how much you like a guy. He’s there with you, even for 15 minutes – for your PRACTICE. It’s about the Tools, about developing yourself, shifting your vibe – learning how to BE with a man and RECEIVE. If you’re finding him boring – be curious about him. Everyone has a story. Love, Rori



  401.  #401Mary Beth on October 31, 2009 at 1:52 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I don’t believe he is gay because I have seen him check out other women many times (although he thinks I don’t see him doing it). I will work on the speech and my feelings of being torn too. Thanks for the response. -MB



  402.  #402Rocket on October 31, 2009 at 2:21 pm

    Thanks Rori, but my problem is I don’t meet men I do like. A lot of your tools are about women who are way too much into a guy but what if you are not into any guy at all?

    I am open to people, I have loads of guy friends and meet, smile at and flirt with guys all the time – but I’m not interested in any of them and they really seem unattractive to me.

    So, I get the principle of practicing with all men but am I meant to go out on dates with men I don’t like? Do you think I am ruling men out too soon? How do you know if you like a guy or not?

    I go with how they make me feel, although I probably am attracted to the ones who are slightly out of reach as I do have hunter tendencies which I am trying to work on and I completely do not come onto any guys anymore.

    I just want to meet someone I feel excited about but I have been waiting and searching for ages and at the moment it feels like it won’t happen

    🙁



  403.  #403theresa cox on October 31, 2009 at 2:28 pm

    I’m between a rock and a hard place! I’v been divorced and My children’s father is married another woman and he has decide to separate from her. Now he tells me I’m the one after of years of bad treatment for this other woman! Now I have found an nice man but its to early to find out whats really up for since we only been knowing each other a week! What should i do?



  404.  #404Rori Raye on October 31, 2009 at 4:19 pm

    Theresa – Welcome – and CIRCULAR DATE!!!I cannot say this strongly enough. Ask questions here, read everything, DATE many, many men. You can date your ex if he’s willing to share and you’re okay with it and, and you can date this nice new man, but NO EXCLUSIVITY. And, if I were you, and I liked this new man – I would NOT date my ex. Just spend time with him with the kids, since he’s their father. Romance and kissing would be very, very tricky. Also, if this other woman has treated him badly…I’d be surprised if he’s over her yet. Love, Rori



  405.  #405Rori Raye on October 31, 2009 at 4:37 pm

    Rocket – if you’re the “hunter” type and are attracted to men who are distant…you have work to do to be able to RECEIVE – and when you can reverse the energy – men who are more masculine will start to be drawn to you. It’s all about the “vibe.” Love, Rori



  406.  #406Matina on November 1, 2009 at 3:57 am

    Hi Rocket!
    I totally understand your problem! I find myself at the same place almost, except that I do attract masculine men as well! My question to you Rori please, is, as I am entering a speed dating game tonight, okay, I accept dates from both men attractive and unattractive, I get that, but, after a date, is there a second one, or a third one with those I find unattractive? I mean, the guy would think I am interested, and what if he makes a move? I may sound as childish, but I am not willing to kiss someone I am not attracted to!won”t it feel like I am playing games with these guys?

    Rori, would you please enlighten me here, till your programm is here?(I have ordered targetting mr right)
    Thanks
    Matina



  407.  #407Rocket on November 1, 2009 at 5:55 am

    Great Matina, I’m glad I’m not the only one finding this weird!

    Yeah, you definitely can’t kiss a guy unless you really want to – that would be bad. But for me dating a guy more than once who I’m not at all into feels weird, a waste of time and like I am playing games or leading him on too. I mean guys have feelings too. But I guess flirting and one date is OK for me, just to practice.



  408.  #408Daria on November 1, 2009 at 4:11 pm

    Hi Rocket and Matina –

    for me I’ve discovered in dating guys I’m not attracted to, a whole new challenge with being honest.

    I would (say

    “hmm… i feel kinda uncomfortable telling you this…

    and I am not feeling sexually attracted to you right now… it feels good spending time with you and i feel good on our dates… I would be open to seeing you again

    what do you think?”



  409.  #409Matina on November 2, 2009 at 1:38 am

    Hi Daria! aaah, never thought of that!wouldnt that stop those guys then? I mean, you could do that with a male friend, no? just to let you know, i have done the speed dating game yesterday, and picked three guys that i found ok, so i will see what happens and let u know! thanks!



  410.  #410Daria on November 2, 2009 at 3:11 am

    Matina –

    well it might stop them or not. the key is that You are being honest. then its up to them to decide what they want to do.

    its not our job to take care of their feelings. it is our job to be totally honest in feeling messages

    our job is Challenging.



  411.  #411Daria on November 2, 2009 at 3:12 am

    Congrats on meeting 3 guys! yay… all in one swoop hehe



  412.  #412Rocket on November 2, 2009 at 11:25 am

    Yeah Daria you’re right. Sometimes I think too hard about what to do or say when the truth is all I needed.

    Although – a guy who still wanted to date me after I say I’m not attracted to him would look really desperate to me and would lose all his degree of difficulty. Or is that just my hunter tendency coming out 🙂



  413.  #413Daria on November 2, 2009 at 2:46 pm

    Rocket yes…

    the men have 0 degree of difficulty. they are attracted by us. we are the ones with degree of difficulty.

    practice Receiving instead of hunting.

    I had Very strong “hunter” instincts. Receiving is a whole new thing and I’m still practicing.

    the point of Circuar Dating IS to practice the tools, especially receiving and feeling messages.

    it’s nto important whether the guys are actual potential husbands.

    what IS important is how you feel and that you feel they are GIVING rather than TAKING from you



  414.  #414Lori on November 3, 2009 at 8:38 am

    Dear Rori,

    I recently purchased your “Reconnect Your Relationship” series after going through one of the worst years of my life. 3 years ago, I began dating a younger man who absolutely adored me and for 2 of those years we had the best relationship of my life. We were compatible in every area and everyone who knew us thought we were soulmates.

    Then last year, he got sent to the middle east with a government program for 2 months and when he came back he told me he wanted to pursue a career with the government which would take him back to the middle east. However, he would first be in a training program in a town about 2 1/2 hours from me for 3 years. He moved there and we mutually decided to stop being exclusive since the relationship was no longer moving toward a committed state. I have 2 children from a previous marriage and really don’t see the possibility of moving them to the middle east.

    We were both devastated and over the past year just didn’t seem to be able to let go and continued to see date each other a couple of times a month and have had almost daily phone or text contact and sometimes several times a day. We have both dated other people in that time, but no one exclusively. Over the past few months, he has been spending some time with another woman, who lives 6 hours drive away from him but is willing to do all of the work to drive to see him. (it’s 50/50 with me) She is also in the same field of work that he is and very successful in that field, so they have that in common. His friends say that she is not very attractive and also not very nice and they don’t understand what he sees in her unless it’s her connections in the field. He tells me his relationship with her is totally different than his with mine is. They “hang out” at his house and he doesn’t take her out to dinner etc like he does me. He also says the physical chemistry is lacking with her, but they do have an intellectual connection due to their career paths. (although he and I aren’t in the same field of work, we do have quite intense connections, both physically and intellectually) He says that she wants to be in a relationship with him, but that he does not want to be exclusive with her and has been clear with her about that. I have asked him to get back together with me, but he says that his career path is not conducive to a committed relationship now, so it’s easier for him to date both of us casually than pursue a relationship with anyone. I purchased your program because I felt we were becoming more friends and I really miss the emotional connection we once shared. The physical and mental connections are still there, however I am not happy with the fact that he is having sex with both me and this other woman.

    I have tried all of the tools in the program and also am dating ALOT and I want to mention here that I have no shortage of other men falling all over me, just none who are compatible like he and I are. Two weekends ago, he invited me to come to a special event with his company and spend the weekend with him. I did and I totally put down the oars and leaned back the whole weekend. I used feeling messages as well. It was a little awkward at first and took him several hours to lean in and show me affection, but he finally did and I melted into him and we had a terrific weekend. He seemed proud to show me off to his colleagues as well. I felt like we had made a little bit of a reconnection in the emotional department.

    I have resisted calling or texting him at all, but now the problem is that he didn’t contact me for over a week after our weekend! This makes no sense at all, as he has never gone this long without calling or texting me in 3 years! And when he finally did contact me, it was a casual text message. What is going on here? Did me changing things up backfire and push him farther away? Help!

    Lori



  415.  #415la la land on November 3, 2009 at 10:55 am

    i suffered all night because i resisted a feeling. again.
    this time it was my oldest friend the jealousy train. i hate feeling that so i resisted as much as i could.
    this hurts. [just like resisting pain when giving birth] well i must acknowledge it to go past it, so here it is:
    i felt jealous about the ‘action’ he had when i came home: email, telephone calls etc.
    before i left he kissed me in such a powerful way [i melted]. on my return he ignored me completely and was exited and overworked about someone else [a lady friend? his ex? his work? he doesnt tell].
    i felt like a total looser, i tried to do my own things repeating to myself take your focus off him, focus on yourself. it didnt help.
    i lost into not sleeping all night, not knowing how to go past what i felt. i did not let go and sinked, i feared and resisted, and the monster grew and grew. my vibe in my head was so loud my husband said he felt like the alarm clock was ringing but he couldnt turn it off.were did i go wrong?

    today he left for few days. i want to feeling massage the event to get it over with, any tips?



  416.  #416Rori Raye on November 3, 2009 at 11:07 am

    Dear Lori, Welcome, and I don’t want to blast you with tough love right off…but I have to, because you depend upon me to tell you the truth when no one else will. You may call this ‘star-crossed.” You may call it “bad luck” or fate, but your man has decided on his career path, and you cannot see being part of it (who could, under these circumstances) – your decision to end it with him was a very, very smart thing…only …you haven’t ended it! How are you supposed to move on to a REAL relationship while you are still clinging to this dead one. And it IS dead. He’s done. You are done. Now all that needs doing is for you to CUT OFF CONTACT. Sorry, but this is the only way. You need to cry. To wail, to moan, to move through all that, and put this guy on the back of your horse (see posts about this here) and get to your Happy Ever After. Reconnect is an incredibly powerful program – and use it for the new men. As you force yourself to see what is really happening in your life, you will begin to attract better men, men who you feel something for. Practice the Tools in Reconnect…especially Walking Yourself Through The Tunnel –very basic, powerful, essential tool. And really get the whole idea of getting a new “Normal” from Reconnect – it’s the only place I talk about these things, and so they form a foundation for the other programs, like Modern Siren, which is all about using your emotions, and Targeting Mr. Right – which is about Circular Dating. What’s in those two programs (and you can find so much help here about the Tools in them) is what you need now…it’s all about practice…and once you make this clean break with him – you HAVE TO DO IT!!! and PLEASE, Please, I beg you…stop sleeping with him. Just stop. You will never get past this stuck place if you don’t stop seeing him altogether. Someday, he may show up again. And you may be happily married to someone else and wonder what you ever saw in him. Leave room in your life for Magic to happen. First, though, you have to get yourself out of this bear trap you’re in. Love, Rori



  417.  #417Rori Raye on November 3, 2009 at 11:13 am

    la la land – this comment has so much powerful stuff in it, I’m going to jump off into a post…Love, Rori



  418.  #418Trixie on November 3, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    I posted before. I’m treating my boyfriend that I mistakenly have now moved in with as a roommate. It’s been 2 weeks and I am miserable. I now have no apartment, I really want to leave, but my daughter is in school in the district and I can’t afford to move anywhere but out of her school district. My boyfriend and I have had no communication for 3 days. All because he said a nasty comment to me in public at the A and P and I told him I don’t like the way you speak to me. His response was, “shut up”. Plus, there has been no sex and rejection from HIM everytime I try before this fight. I’m miserable, I wanted to make it until June when I could leave with no school consequences to my daughter but I dont’ think I can take it any longer. I cook and clean do laundry. He does whatever he wants, watches tv, does his own stuff. Am I supposed to live this and “shut up”? Feeling messages, doing my own thing, which I have I have signed up to dance classes (which he said were stupid waste of time) I go anyway. None of it is working. I’m feeling low, unwanted, unattractive and like an idiot moving in with this man when I knew it was a mistake from the start. Now 3 weeks of moving my life into his house everyday after working all day, $400 for movers and a truck (that I didn’t have to spare) here I am. Please please someone help me. I’m stuck and don’t know what to do anymore.



  419.  #419Rori Raye on November 3, 2009 at 2:20 pm

    Trixie – okay, so you goofed. You made a mistake. As long as he’s not abusive – you’re okay. Take care of yourself the best you can, and figure out how to move out IN the same school district. Love, Rori



  420.  #420Proud on November 3, 2009 at 9:52 pm

    Hi Rori,

    So my ex boyfriend and I broke up because he didn’t like our relationship. After looking through your ebook and all your newsletter I realised I have done everything wrong: from the way I used to talk to him and express my feelings. I would cry all the time and get upset. I would try to push my feelings inside and as a result it would blow up in his face and he would not care about it and I would feel even worse.

    Your letters and your ebook has meant everything to me and has helped me so much, even with my imaginary relationship with him right now. I have been practicing your tools and have been practicing feeling messages and it really works! He’s even apologised to me when I tell him how I feel about things and normally he wouldn’t really care at all. I guess it’s a step up. We still sleep together, live together, have dinner, and spend every day together. I guess a part of it is that we’re both lonely and scared to really let go. But I can really tell that he loves me and he’s told me that he loves me and that I am very pretty not only because I’m beautiful also because I have a very beautiful heart. He now hugs me all the time and kisses me everyday just like when we were totally attached to each other. He would now be very possessive and wants me close to him all the time. Recently I was broke for like a week and he has been paying for all meals we had these past few days even though he’s poor and the money he has is from his loan. We still have sex once in a few days and he still finds me very attractive. I can say that we are very happy together… except for the fact that we’re not really in a relationship. I’m in a imaginary relationship. It bothers me probably because I’m having sex with him too and that I can see that we are so in love but not in a relationship. I talked to him today telling him I didn’t want to do this anymore and broke out crying and then changed my mind. So then we had a talk and he told me that he really loves me and really cares about me but he just didn’t like our relationship at all. He had some toxic qualities but when I practice your tools he turned around completely and he’s not toxic anymore.

    But now.. I became the toxic one who he doesn’t want to try things out with anymore. My question is, how do I get him to want back in the relationship? He’s totally attached and possessive right now. He’s sweet and loving as long as I don’t become a drama queen like I used to before I learn your tools. I got him tied up with me, but how do I make him feel like it’ll be ok to try things out with me again?

    I’m trying to see other men and he has shown signs of jealousy and has been very possessive of me. I joined a dating website but that wasn’t so successful since I’m only 19 years old and most men on the websites are at least 10-20 years older than me. But I joined one yesterday and started talking to this guy who is probably 6 years older than me. My ex told me that I was going to get myself killed because I’m talking to someone I don’t know and that I attract stalkers (it’s true). So I quit that website since it wasn’t really working out anyway.. and then he opened up to me that he was also jealous (and believe me, this man has some high ego and he’s always told me he’s never threatened by any men that approach me). But still, it’s the same thing.. He would love me, want to be close to me, plan activities he’d want to do with me, but he wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore. How do I make him believe that we won’t have that same old “drama-filled” relationship anymore?

    One more thing about him, he had a history (while being in a relationship with me) of cheating with his ex girlfriend on webcam. He tells me he doesn’t love her anymore but he said that she knows him best. They connect and that me and him just didn’t connect like they do. He said she knows all his secrets and it’s not something he can just tell me casually and that he has to feel like telling me in order to open up with me. I really want to connect with him and make him feel like he can trust me and feel like he can open up to me. But well that was the past. I’m not paranoid anymore. I’ve learned your tools and don’t feel threatened by other women anymore. I am a prize and I am better than his crazy ex girlfriend. I decided that I’m not going to question or care about who he talks to anymore. It really helped save myself from the unnecessary stress.

    So back to my question. How do I get him to want back in the relationship and which of your program fits with my situation most? I want to order one of your in-dept programs, but I’m not sure which one to choose. I’m very low on budget, so I can only afford one (I’m still a college student, but my relationship is very important to me and this is why I am doing this). Should I get the Reconnect program, the Targetting Mr. Right program, or the Modern Siren program? I already have your ebook.

    I’m sorry for the longg longg message I’m leaving.. There are just so much details that I think is useful to know. Thank you so much Rori for having your programs and advices. They really mean a lot to me and I know they mean a lot to many many women out there. I wish I have found and ordered your ebook before. I wouldn’t be in this situation..sigh.. But because of you, I still have hope. Thanks again.

    Love,

    Proud



  421.  #421Flipper on November 4, 2009 at 5:08 am

    Trixie – I feel so bad for you in your situation, especially as I’m one of those who said these living arrangements might not necessarily be totally disastrous if I could feel like “just roommates”. Would I cook and clean for a roommate? No, unless we’d agreed on an equal exchange of chores, and they effectively did their part.

    Would I feel totally unheard, disrespected and unwanted? Yes, so I wouldn’t want to “work out anything” with them right now. But that doesn’t mean I have to keep doing the stuff or continue to ‘expect’ anything in return, whether I’d said formally I would or not. I can just stop, and rein in my energy to focus on just my and my daughter’s needs. (I’d probably have to develop an uncomfortable tolerance for messiness and neglect in the ‘common’ spheres, but so be it, if that keeps me from wasting my efforts and feeling used.)

    As for feeling messages, feeling that they are being rejected or turned against me makes me feel like stopping, and yet It’s for Me that I need to say them. I don’t want to deprive myself by shutting up to avoid negative reactions. So, I’m practicing by talking to Myself, telling them to Myself as if I were alone, but but out loud in the presence of the other person. Sometimes, they still stay stuck inside, but at least start to shape up in there, and sometimes they come out partially. And starting to actually pronounce a few words ‘ I feel… ‘ helps me form a bit more, and relieves some of the despair and pressure. The important thing is to express them FOR ME, and the ‘to him’ is secondary.

    Moving under ANY circumstances is one of the hardest things for people to bear, so don’t go down on yourself with all these extra pressures. This is not to excuse the guy for despicable behavior, but he probably has all kinds of issues around it, too, that he’s not conscious of and that don’t even concern you. But that’s His problem – all the more reason for you to take care of yourself, including by backing away from the bad, the unacceptable and going to do something good for you (preferably something that doesn’t have unintended benefits for him, like scouring the stove).

    What about writing a ‘power speech’, not about the relationship but about the ‘home’sharing, whether you have any intention of giving it or not? For yourself, to find ways of expressing your point of view in ways that could be heard, should the opportunity arise. If it were me, I might say “I came here in good faith, and though I sensed that things were changing for you, I was at a point of no return about having to move by then, and now I feel trapped. I don’t like feeling as if I’m imposing, and don’t want to feel hostility about our presence here. I need to feel some harmony where I live, and I don’t want to put any pressure on you about our relationship or what you do in your own home…….” What do you think?

    Sending you and your daughter lots of love and encouragement, Trixie. xxoo



  422.  #422Flipper on November 4, 2009 at 5:23 am

    PS – Bravo for the dance classes ! – I feel sure they’ll do you tremendous good, both in body and soul. (don’t bother justifying (good exercise, cheap etc.) – if you say anything, make it something like ‘I’m having so much fun” or ‘I feel great twirling on that dancefloor”, but your good vibes will probably show without a word.



  423.  #423Rori Raye on November 4, 2009 at 11:46 am

    Proud – Welcome, and thank you for your story. Here’s my take: You’re so YOUNG!!! Why would you want to choose the pain of this “thing” you’re in with this guy when you have so much life and world to experience ahead of you!!! Work really, really a lot with the Tools in the book – so happy for you that you’re using them and things are really changing for you…and I would say the programs in order for you are…Targeting Mr. Right – because you need to Circular Date more than anything – then Modern Siren so you can heal yourself and attract much better men and know what to DO when you’re Circular Dating on a deeper level…then Reconnect to catch you up on the basics. Then, for sure – Toxic Men – because that’s the trap you’re stuck in. This is kind of backwards from most of my recommendations…but I want you to get OUT THERE fast. I know everyone here will help you…but, truthfully, there’s no teacher like experience – without experience you can’t practice the tools – so – please gear your mind, heart, soul, body up for more experiences. Work is most important now. Money – so after you graduate you can travel on your own and see the world and get some real experience under your belt. Figure out what you want to do with your life, what contribution you want to make, and practice with every man you meet. This guy is just a stop on your game-board. Learn what you can from this – without trying to make ANYTHING happen with him – and let your life flow forward. Love, Rori



  424.  #424Uschi on November 4, 2009 at 2:40 pm

    Proud,

    with was Rori just said I want to add something I heard years ago and seems to fit right in with Rori’s advice.

    “Don’t worry about having your heart broken, or braking a few yourself. All those heart-brakes are steps on the ladder called ‘experience of life and love’ and what you learn climbing up those steps will count for the one that is for you”



  425.  #425T.R. on November 5, 2009 at 3:23 pm

    Trixie,

    I am going to be very straight forward here, so please have an open mind. I have been in your shoes before. He is not only a toxic man, he is emotionally abusive. Only abusive people talk to others that way. And waiting 8 months to leave will be very painful to you. Yes, you will have to absolutely consider your daughter’s school, but don’t forget that she is watching how he treats you and is internalizing it. Children learn what they live, and you do not want her to learn that being treated this way is acceptable. Not to mention the stress and unhappiness you feel by staying. This “man” you live with is insecure and has learned his abusive ways against women. I know it is difficult to leave with everything involved, but I would STRONGLY suggest looking at every option you have for leaving because you AND your daughter’s feelings of self-worth are at stake.
    Great job on taking classes! You are a strong women!



  426.  #426Desi on November 6, 2009 at 12:09 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I’ve recently purchased your e-book. I’ve read through it once but dont really see anything in there that applies to my situation. One of the things I’m dealing with is insecurity/lack of trust. I have been dating my man since April and in July we decided to be exclusive with each other. At that point I completely trusted him. We do not officially live together, but he has not slept at his place since the end of July.

    In the beginning of our dating he wasnt really focused on sex with me. Which I thought was nice because I was thinking that he wasnt using me for sex. We had such great conversations and we had the same dreams for the future so I was thinking he was really into me as the person and not just interested in my body. I thought that once we were totally exclusive with each other that the sex would happen more often.

    Well it hasnt. We have sex around once a week since he has started staying here every night. It started to bother me and I approached him about it and he said he would work on it and that he just doesnt have as high of a drive as me. Well then I found out that he was watching porn on my computer. Which made me think he does have a drive, just not for me. I talked to him about that and told him it wouldnt bother me if we were having sex more often. I really dont care if he watches porn as long as our relationship is not lacking that. Nothing has changed. We still have sex once a week.

    But the lack of sex has started to make me feel insecure that hes not really into me. He tell me he loves me all the time. He’s said he can see himself spending the rest of his life with me. I feel like he loves me as a good friend, but not a lover.

    One day he was using my computer and forgot to log out of his email. I took that opportunity to snoop. I found that about one month after we committed to be exclusive some girl sent him naked pictures of herself. I have no clue who she is. And I have not talked to him about it or let him know in any way that I know about it.

    I now feel insecure about what he’s doing when he’s out with his friends. He hangs out with his friends one night of the weekend and maybe one night during the week. On the weekend they always go to a bar or club and he always gets back to my place around 2 or 3 in the morning. (by the way I’m 30 and he’s 29). I’m never invited because it’s supposed to be “Guys” night.

    I’ve never been the type of girl who gets insecure about my boyfriends possibly cheating on me. But with him I am. The only hard evidence I have is that email. But I’m nervous about approaching him because I should not have been violating his privacy like that. I think I was expecting to find something though. His lack of interest in sex makes me think something is up.

    The other night he went to watch the World Series with his buddies. I tried to call him and he didnt answer and sent me a text that it was loud in the bar he was in. I waited until 11 pm and he still wasnt home, so I called him again and he didnt answer. About 5 minutes later he called me and I could tell he was in his car and he told me that the bar wasnt fun so he went to his place and watched the game with his roomate. If he was just at his place with his roomate, why wouldnt he answer? It makes me feel like he was with a girl.

    I dont want to be in a relationship where I am feeling insecure like this and not getting as much sex as I want. The simple answer is to break up with him. But I really care about him. I’m doubting this relationship now because of these feelings I’m having. I know this isnt healthy.

    I also read an email from his ex around the time that they broke up and she thought he was cheating on her. He had even told me that she thought he was cheating on her when we have talked about their relationship, but that he also thought that she was cheating on him and that he’s pretty sure she was because she ended up in a relationship with that guy about 2 weeks after they broke up. He said she probably thought he was cheating on her because cheaters like to accuse the other person of cheating. I should probably see this as a pattern for him, but he told me that he wasnt happy with her and that he was only staying with her because he was so attached to her daughter.

    I’m just not sure what to do. I Love Him. I obviously dont trust him. At one time, when I did trust him, I thought that he was going to be the person I would end up marrying. I told my mom that I wanted to have children with him. I’ve never had that desire with a man before. He is so wonderful with kids it makes my heart melt. I watch him with my baby niece or his baby nephew and see how great he is and I want to spend the rest of my life with him and start our own family. Part of me thinks he wants the same thing with me too. I had to go off the birth control pill for health reasons and he KNOWS that. For the past two months when he have had sex we havent used any protection.

    What do you think? I love him and I want to be with him, but I’m afraid of getting hurt.

    Desi

    P.S. Sorry this was so long!



  427.  #427Rori Raye on November 6, 2009 at 3:26 pm

    Desi – Welcome – and START USING PROTECTION!!! NOW!!! The last thing in the world you need is to get pregnant or a bad case of STDs with this man. Okay – forget what he’s doing. Forget analyzing ANYTHING. Forget the porn (though Tinque is your girl on this one – http://www.SexandHeart.com), forget the email, forget the boys night out. Forget about trust. YOU are not getting your needs met. That’s all that counts. And at this early in the relationship, it’s just not going to get better. You can’t talk a man into sex, you can’t jostle him into it. You can Modern Siren style (and ask Tinque about how to do this…too) ramp up the attraction and the safety and increase his desire…but you sound pretty cool to me…The cure for this for you is Circular Dating (look around here to see how to do it without actually “dating” anyone else). Love, Rori



  428.  #428Desi on November 6, 2009 at 6:37 pm

    Hi Rori,

    Thanks for your quick response! I’m not sure if I understand what you are saying though. Are you saying you think my relationship probably doesn’t have a chance?

    I really do want to quit worrying. When I think about letting go of my obsession over what he’s doing I feel relieved. I tell myself to quit focussing on my bad feelings and to bring my happy energy to him. I really do feel a sense of relief and that everything will be OK when I think like that.

    But then, for example, something will happen. Like when I