New Years 2014 – Love Is All There Is

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rori with seals nycThis is my traditional New Year’s post – and I’d love to create something new with your help….Do you have any traditions for the New Year that feel great for you?

I’d LOVE to put together a post, or a report that has New Years rituals and traditions – goddess ones, shaman ones – things that YOU do that make you feel good! You can put them as comments here, and I’ll copy them off and put them together into a piece! I’ll use the names you use here if that’s okay….

I have a New Year’s Resolution for us all this year – and that resolution is: NO MORE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS!

It just feels all wrong to me.

A “Resolution” seems like something I’d write down for myself to do – or TELL myself to do – that I just DON’T WANT to do.

Like never eating chocolate. Or walking a certain distance or exercising a certain way every day.

The moment my brain hears that “have to” attached to the “resolution” I can FEEL it grating in my mind.


And yet, there are so many things I want for myself that I want to find some way to mark them down and get them for myself.

Does this sound familiar to you?

So, what is it YOU want?

If you’re like I was when my relationships weren’t going the way I wanted them to, what you want more than anything is to love, to be loved, and live in “Happy Ever After” forever.

You’ve made “Resolutions” and plans, and suffered and tried to make things happen.

After years of trial-and-error, I finally DID get what I wanted – Happy Ever After. And so can you.

And I’d like to get it for you so much FASTER than the years it took me.

So, if “Resolutions” don’t feel right – what would work better?


One of my favorite words, the one that gets me into an easy, receiving, and yet active and just plain good-feeling place is the word “Intend.”

If I “Intend” to do something or have something, the feeling of it is more than a wish, and yet not a real “have to.”

It just means, if I so CHOOSE, I can do that thing or have that thing.

And the nasty voice in my head stays much quieter when I “Intend” instead of “Resolve.”

New Year’s Eve, about 3 months before my husband proposed, was not a happy time for me.

In fact, at the stroke of midnight, dressed up in party clothes and hoping for a lifelong commitment to come out of my then “live-in boyfriend’s” mouth, what I got from him instead was the “I’m not ready” speech.

Instead of “I love you” and let’s get married, I got “I’m not ready.”

I remember being devastated, furious, and half- crazy with confusion.

All I could think was “What do I do now?” Hardly a great time for a resolution.

What I “resolved” at that moment was “To get him to commit to me,” and all that did was push him further away for about a month.

When I finally realized that what I was doing to bring this man – a man I’d been SO SURE of – closer to me and closer to wanting to commit to me, I tried something different.

Instead of “resolving” anything, I just told myself that I’d be OKAY. No matter what.

I see now that I’d “set an Intention” to be “Okay.”

It wasn’t a huge statement to make to myself, but it was all I could manage.

And it was enough to get me started in the right direction.

It got me to Intend to DO some things for MYSELF that would help me be – not just Okay – but sensational, terrific, thrilled, happy, and married.

So, let’s try this new Tool for New Year’s:


Instead of “Resolving” to get your relationship on track and do what it takes to get him across the finish line or to find that special, perfect man who’s right for you, let’s make it as if it’s really, already happened!

Let’s write a Future Letter to ourselves.

Here’s how:

Get out a piece of paper, or on your computer’s fine.

Date this letter one year from now – New Year’s 2010.

You’ll be writing this letter to yourself (or write to ME if you’d like – I’ll read it and hold the space for you to have this fabulous year you’re going to write about)…so you’ll start with “Dear (your name) or Dear Rori…

Now, think of exactly what you want for yourself in this next year, and exactly how it’s going to go – EVERYTHING you want.

Write about money – write EXACTLY how much money you want coming in every month, where that money will be coming from, and EXACTLY how you’re going to spend it.

Don’t be stingy with your imagination here – make it a LOT of money, but something your brain will see as DO-ABLE, not just a fantasy.

Make it a high salary for someone with your kind of job, and make it a job in an environment you enjoy…

Make it up so it feels GOOD.

And then write about all the LOVE, ROMANCE AND RELATIONSHIP you want to experience in 2010.

And let’s set another rule here for that – let’s make it about the BIG PICTURE.

Instead of making it about the boyfriend you have who’s causing you pain now, or the man you have a crush on who isn’t paying you enough attention now, or your husband who’s going through some hard times and making your life unhappy now – let’s make it about what would feel GOOD.

How does that look for you?

Make it about a man with a movie star face – not a specific man, but imagine how it is he holds you – how he touches you, what his face looks like when he smiles at you.

Imagine getting attention and love without WORKING for it.

Imagine getting great sex AND friendship – all together instead of just one or the other.

Imagine feeling respected and loved, and imagine feeling SECURE and COMMITTED.

And as you’re imagining all this, now comes the IMPORTANT PART:

I want you to imagine that this has ALREADY HAPPENED!

You’ve dated the letter a year from now, so I want you to write about all this great stuff as if you’re looking BACK at how it happened and how it felt while it was happening, and how it feels NOW to have EXACTLY what you want.

Write about other things, too.

Write about the FUN you had – perhaps you went on a vacation with your wonderful man.

Perhaps you got a financial bonus from work, or your business took off and got so much more successful, or you got the job you always wanted.

Perhaps your self-esteem took a huge leap and you can see how your confidence has been building over this year you’re writing about.

Perhaps a phenomenal man just dropped from the sky, knew you were the one for him right away, and it’s been heaven-on-earth ever since.

Perhaps you were surprised, out-of-the-blue, by a proposal for the totally committed relationship you’ve always wanted.

Perhaps all health issues have cleared up, all depression’s gone, and you can look back over this year and hear your own self LAUGHING.

I’m going to write my own letter today, and paste it on my office wall to remind me every moment that this is the life I EXPECT to have in the coming year – because this is the way it has – in my letter – ALREADY HAPPENED.

I’m going to write about YOU, and how you’ve had an incredible year, and how you’ve found a magnificent, committed relationship so fast, and how amazing it feels to me to know I’ve helped you in some way, and that we’ve been able to talk, you and I, through your emails and my eletters and programs.

This might sound like a fantasy exercise, but the truth is – our brains don’t know the difference.

If we tell ourselves that something is true – and especially if we WRITE it down – our minds believe it just as if it IS true.

That’s how we all mow down our self-esteem by telling ourselves icky things about ourselves.

Our minds believe the icky thoughts, and then our confidence goes down the tubes, and then those things we only TOLD ourselves were true start to LOOK true in our lives.

If we tell ourselves we don’t deserve any more love and commitment than we’re getting right now – we tend to attract and be attracted to men who WON’T be giving us the love and commitment we want and actually DO deserve.

If we tell ourselves we don’t deserve any more love and commitment than we’re getting right now – we tend to push away any love our man DOES want to give us, and then everything in the relationship gets worse.

And why do we all tend to do this? To sell ourselves short and undermine our own success?

Because we’ve been TAUGHT to do life this way. We’ve been told things like “Don’t get your hopes up.”

And we’ve been told that having dreams and believing they’ll come true is “stuck up,” and being “conceited,” and that we need to “get over ourselves.”

We’ve been told we’re “lucky” to have a man.

That good man are “few,” and that good relationships are “hard.”

We’ve been taught to have low expectations so that we don’t disappoint ourselves.

Even when we catch ourselves imagining that something will turn out great – we stop ourselves.

As if believing in ourselves and that we can have EXACTLY what we want in life and in our relationship isn’t the right way to think.

And all that is just WRONG.

The TRUTH is just the opposite.

The more you believe in yourself, the greater your chances for having what you want.

We all know how awful it feels when we have high hopes for something that doesn’t work out.

Like when we REALLY like that man we went out with and can practically see ourselves in our wedding dress, and then he never calls again.

When these things happen, we sometimes blame not only ourselves for not sewing up the man – but we blame even the DESIRE for those things.

As if it was the WANTING of those things that made it all go bad.

And that’s NOT what happened.

What helps make things go bad is the “vibe” we create around our wanting of that thing – and when that vibe starts to feel like desperation and need – like “I have to have that man or I’ll die,” or “If he doesn’t call again, I’ll be destroyed,” THAT’S how we can sabotage ourselves.

So, what the man who’s been dating you for days, or weeks, or months or years “gets” from you can be either your HIGH opinion of yourself, along with your DESIRE for the part or for a relationship, or your LOW opinion of yourself, along with your NEED for the part or for HIM.

And which one do you think is most likely to get you what you want?

So with this Future Letter, you’re telling yourself that: Not only is it OKAY to dream BIG and want what you want, but that dreaming BIG is the WAY to GET what you want.

So tell it all.

Make it like a script to a movie about your year that you’ve ALREADY SEEN.

Make your movie a triumph of personal power and confidence.

On the day you date this letter – January 1st 2010 – make it so it’s all already happened.

Look back on 2009 and see all the steps you took to make it happen, all the Rori Raye Tools you used and how they worked for you like magic.

See yourself HAPPY every step of the way.

I’ll be writing my Future Letter tonight, and would love to read yours, too.

Remember to make it GOOD! And remember to write it as though it’s all already happened, just the way you want it.

Love to you, and the next time we talk, we’ll both be living in this great, new, beautifully imagined and ALREADY SUCCESSFUL new year.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Labbit on December 31, 2014 at 9:14 am

    Ooooh this is so much fun! I love the idea of intending versus resolutions…not a fan of resolutions at all. I only make promises to myself that I’m going to keep.

    January 1, 2016
    Dear Labbit,

    Another year has come and gone. Can you believe how quickly time flies? It’s truly amazing. I used to want things to get moving so quickly. Now with all the wonderful developments in my life over the past year, I’m kinda hoping time slows down a little bit! I remember sitting in your shoes a year ago and wondering how the year would go. If I’d known it would all be this EASY, I probably would have relaxed and enjoyed it more. Oh well, now we know for this year! 🙂

    Let’s begin with you, I mean me, I mean us, because that’s the most important, right? On January 1, 2015 I told myself: I intend to treat myself well, so that no matter what’s going on around me I can always find my rock and be OK. And you know what? I did that and then some. I did my first triathalon and it was incredible. Everything’s going great at my gyms — I’ve made friends with so many people between the instructors and classmates, it’s a fun little social group! I started saving money aggressively, even though I didn’t know where it would come from, and now I have not only a healthy travel fun but a nice cushion as well. It turned out to be so easy! Who knew?

    This past year I’ve felt so stable. Even when things that would normally upset me happened, I felt less upset by them. Life’s been so good I don’t have time or energy to be upset! I started taking French classes again to refresh myself, and then figured what the heck? Why not try German too? Maybe this year it will be Italian…or Spanish…! And you know that book we’ve been thinking about writing for, like, ever? I FINALLY started it. Wrote the outline and everything. Have our author friend helping us as a paid editor. She’s so excited to help! I went on a few amazing trips, including Hawaii! I went surfing on the north shore and kayaking too…and got an incredible tan. When an opportunity to go back to Paris came up, you know I jumped on that too! And I finally got out to California to see all my friends out there. OH! I got a chance to ride around in a Tesla too. What a cool car that is!

    But I know what you’re REALLY wondering about is relationship. It’s funny, but as I’ve stopped worrying about it so much, everything has gotten better and easier. Last year at this time I told myself: I intend to stop trying so hard, to be open to surprises and keep my heart unzippered so the right man can find me. It’s happened, it’s happened so quickly, and it feels so right. That man I met, who I wondered about and didn’t believe I could have at first, made himself mine and it all happened in the blink of an eye. Sometimes I pinch myself! He loves, cherishes and respects me. More than that, I feel so secure in his love that I have an easy time keeping myself first in life, being the Prize that he loves to capture over and over again. The sex is constant and great, we communicate easily and we have just the right mix of similar and diverse interests. He pursued me and I didn’t have to do ANYTHING to make him mine. He wanted to be mine, wanted me to be his. It was so easy to take in his love and receive everything he wanted to give me — which IS EVERYTHING. I make his life better and he makes mine even more fun. Our relationship is thrilling, fun, and yet also tranquil and easy. All that time you spent feeling unsure…I just let myself relax and let things unfold and they unfolded PERFECTLY right into my lap. I acted like the Prize I am and he saw that immediately! He told me later it was total love at first sight. Our apartment is unbelievable and my dog loves him. We had such a fun time decorating!!

    Now we’re ready to take the next step in our relationship and we could not be more excited. All the chances I worried I’d never get, they came and because I was relaxed and ready I saw them and could grab them!! I feel so confident, so sure of the way things are going in my life now. I have an amazing group of supportive friends and family around me, along with an incredible man who wants me to be his forever, to be mine forever. All I had to do was open up and let the love in. No chasing, no overfunctioning required. It was too easy. And look at us now!

    2015 was such an amazing year. If Heaven means only being able to live one time over and over again, this is the year I’d pick. You get to do it all now…lucky!


  2.  #2prplpsn28 on December 31, 2014 at 6:39 pm

    Thanks for this Rori. I’m having an absolutely horrible new year eve. This helped a little. 🙂

  3.  #3Andrea on December 31, 2014 at 6:51 pm

    Oh no prplpsn!! What?? Oh no. I’ve got nothing but empty desk time for a few hours. Do you have time to vent? I’m listening.

  4.  #4prplpsn28 on December 31, 2014 at 7:09 pm

    Thanks Andrea. I’m at home bored. My friends all cancelled and stayed home as well. I’m remembering last new years eve with H. I haven’t heard from new guy C in almost 2 weeks. Ex H showed up at my house a couple wks ago. Made the mistake of letting him in. One thing led to another. I ran into him last friday while I was out and I asked him why he came over. He said I’m very attractive to him and seeing me out got to him. He appologized and said it was wrong. I said yes it was and it’s pretty clear what you don’t want and I know what I want and it’s not a booty call. He said he knows that and he doesn’t expect me to excuse him but being with me was a place of comfort and it wasn’t all a booty call for him. Went on to tell me how messed up things still are by him. And he also said that he hopes I will still talk to him.

    I don’t know what to make of this. But I have not reached out to him since and I won’t. Neither have I reached out to C. Tho it’s hard not to. Ugh! I feel lonely, hurt, confused and sad.

  5.  #5Andrea on December 31, 2014 at 7:11 pm

    Oh my goodness, i didn’t realize this was a new thread. So I read the new blog and.. yes! Now I know how I’m going to spend my desk time tomorrow. : )

    Labbit I loved your letter. It’s all so realistic and I like how you say.. “It was all so easy.”

    Your relationship sounds wonderful. I like how you say that you didn’t need to do anything to get him to be with you, he wanted to be with you. And how your dog loves him. (And of course, he loves your dog.)

    The travel, the writing, the money coming in… yes… what a wonderful year!!

  6.  #6Andrea on December 31, 2014 at 7:27 pm

    Ahh prplpsn. I feel sad you’re going through that and inadequate to soothe that pain. I know I definitely understand it and remember all too well different times when I went through that.
    I know it’s so hard not to reach out to that one person we hope will make things better, but of course, we know how it always ends up feeling twisted somehow.
    A while ago I reached out to RRguy because he had asked me to. He told me that it would put a big smile on his face if he looked at his phone and I was the one calling him. I called. He didn’t answer. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
    I left a lame message and felt awful for about two days after. Then when he text responded with something about him being sick and not working or coming to my town for a while, it just reiterated for me… “Don’t lean forward!!!”
    Not because the results are always bad, but because I always feel bad no matter what the results.

    oh my.. I’m probably not helping!!!

    I just want you to know I understand. And tomorrow will be a better day, a new year, and the promise of new growth is right around the corner.

  7.  #7Beloved on December 31, 2014 at 10:50 pm

    I. Feel. Lovely.
    I feel lovely and satisfied and happy and I feel love and appreciation for myself.
    I went to the cafe tonight, my heart set on dancing in the sand under the stars, feeling good about getting out tonight.
    The band decided to play inside. Where there is no room to dance, only a few spaces to sit, and very very crowded.
    I considered the pros and cons. Ultimately decided that I came and paid for a certain experience, it was what I wanted, and if I were to just stay there with my friends I wouldn’t feel happy. Everyone else was super high, and I wasn’t on the same wavelength and didn’t want to be.
    One of my friends, kept trying to talk me into making the best of a bad situation. I felt so disappointed, my heart literally hurt and I felt sadness welling up. She kept talking, tossing out meaningless platitudes about finding joy in life and stuff. I stood there, kept my heart unzippered, listened to her while feeling the pain in my heart until it subsided and I felt certain what to do.
    I hugged her, went to the counter and shyly asked for my money back, and left. I got to my car at 11:11, which I associate with “alignment” and felt it was a good sign, it made me smile and feel good.
    I ended up driving up and down the freeway, watching the miles of fireworks shows, feeling utterly delighted and pleased with myself. I feel exactly right. I feel like, yes, yes, this. So perfect. Yes 🙂

  8.  #8Indigo on December 31, 2014 at 11:49 pm


    I am sorry you are going through this and I just want to send you smiles and hugs.

    If it helps you, I am going through a similar thing so come on here and vent as much as you want, we will all try and help.

    I just want to echo what Andrea has said about staying strong with not leaning forward. It does not lead anywhere good. Try your best to think of something enjoyable to do instead whenever you feel the urge – I know I have a list of standby things to do that all make me feel good and I do them over and over if I have to. This has the dual effect of preventing you from leaning forward, and taking tender care of you.

    You are a worthy, lovely woman and things will turn around for you, I promise. Just like they will for me.

  9.  #9Indigo on January 1, 2015 at 12:07 am

    So, my New Year’s Eve (it is 10 am on new years day here already).

    First up, I must say that NYE is my least favourite holiday. If I were with a beloved man in my forever relationship I know I would feel so differently about it, but in general I am not a big partier, and I don’t like the loud noises and the drinking etc.

    Anyway, a guy friend whom I have spoken about on here a few times, whom I have told I just want to be friends but I keep getting the subtle or not so subtle impression that he is pushing for more, for example he pushes for us to drive places together when I would rather meet him there. He’d invited me to a barbecue for NYE a while back and on Tuesday he sent me a text asking if I was joining him. I asked him what the plans were and he was vague, and so I asked him to send me the time and the address, and he replied “Can do, it’s around the corner from my place” but… no time, no address. I felt annoyed by this but I leaned back and left it that. On NYE at 2 pm I get this text “what’s up”, I don’t reply to such a text, I never do. 2 hours later (so 4 pm) I get a text asking if I am joining them that night. I sent a reply saying that since I hadn’t heard from him confirming the time and place, I had made other plans. I got a slightly wounded response from him saying that he had been going to send me the details that afternoon (er, when? it’s 4 pm already…) and to enjoy my evening.

    I have decided this is a boundary for me. I’m not going to dance around and play games any more. Solid plans, at least 24 hours in advance or I’m not in (thank you Labbit!) I’m not trying to punish that person, the honest truth of the matter is that it just doesn’t feel good to me. I’m quiet and measured and methodical, and I like to look forward to something for several hours at least, and I like to plan out my day and know what I’m doing. It doesn’t feel good to have plans sprung on me at the last minute. I had a fleeting moment of wondering whether I was being too harsh, but I realize that if something doesn’t feel good, I don’t want any part of it.

    I took myself off to see a gorgeous, adorable, feel-good movie instead which made me smile and laugh, with popcorn, and came home and had a beautiful glass of deep red, sparkling and sweet champagne.

    For me, 2015 is the year that I stop living small, and start dreaming big – for myself, for my life, for all the joy I want to feel. Eventually, love will follow in its perfect time.

  10.  #10Indigo on January 1, 2015 at 12:10 am


    I got this script from Stephanie Turner (RR coach) that might help you if H contacts you:

    “I appreciate you thinking of me, however, I want more. I want to be in a committed relationship and I want it to be with you. It seems that you don’t want the same. I can’t have contact with you anymore as it feels too confusing for me. I’m moving on.”

  11.  #11Mistea1 on January 1, 2015 at 6:09 am

    For this year I’m being love. I can love whomever I want even if they don’t love me back. Whenever I give love out it always returns to me multiplied. Happy New Year every one.

  12.  #12Moon on January 1, 2015 at 6:43 am

    Happy New Year Dear Sirens,

    I would love to have your comments on this. How do you handle thd situation if the man you love is grieving for the lost of a family member? He is my ex but I love him deeply.

    Thank you!

  13.  #13Indigo on January 1, 2015 at 8:47 am

    Mistea, I loved what you said in #11. Last night as I was driving to my movie, I remembered the wildly imaginative, daydreamy child I used to be, with beautiful stories and songs in her heart, and a sense of wonder and innocence about her, and that is still who I am at core, and I could feel my heart opening wide with love. I want to get back to being that person, and I want to find people who appreciate about me what I most love about myself, which is the wealth of inner imaginative and creative richness that I have in my heart and long to share with another. For me, this is what love feels like, and is my goal for 2015.

    Something that I have finally realized for this year, is that men respond to actions, not words. I intend to align my actions and my behavior with the relationship that I want. I intend to behave, and act, in a way that says my feelings, needs and desires are important, and that I am a woman of high value. I intend to not get into discussions or debate these things, but rather to gently communicate them, and let my behavior and actions follow my beliefs in this regard. I will never lean forward with D again. I will never allow myself to get into the deeply compromised position that I have been in over the last year. I will have a heart that is open and full of love, but I will be on my own side, first and foremost.

  14.  #14Cutie on January 1, 2015 at 12:50 pm

    Rori, Dominique, Sirens, please help me!

    I’ve got myself in a real pickle, and it’s all my doing. My whole life I have never really been able to orgasm during sex, and I’ve always faked it. I started having sex at 14 and it wasn’t until about five years later, with my long-term college boyfriend, that I think I had maybe four or five orgasms during our two-year relationship. About the last six months of our relationship was pretty much sexless since I was so unsatisfied, and he was mystified after all that faking I had been doing.

    Then, that pretty much became the norm. Very infrequent orgasms with my partners, lots of fake ones, and me breaking up with them about six to nine months in due to loss of attraction / sex drive.

    There was one short period of my life where I seemed to be able to come with much more consistency, and it was during a time where I was in my mid-20s and partying very hard and not treating my partners very well at all. I would cheat on them and lie to them. One of them was pretty mean to me in return as well.

    Once the partying and treating men poorly calmed down in my late 20s and early 30s, it went back to the the infrequent orgasms and frequent faking. My resentment would build up, even though these boyfriends had no clue they were NOT getting me off, and I’d eventually break up with them.

    Until I was 31 years old, I had not had a relationship last longer than nine months except for my two-year relationship when I was in my late teens in college. At age 31, I met a man with whom I would have a three-year relationship with lots of trust, companionship, respect, living together — and the same exact sex problems.

    Only difference was that he did not pester me to have sex with him at the six-month point where my willingness to keep faking ran out. He seemed fine with it, and I started to convince myself that maybe I was more toward the asexual end of the spectrum. We enjoyed a very even-keeled and loyal relationship, but certainly not a sexual one.

    After three years, though, I started to feel not right in this situation. I would see other people with passion, mostly on TV, and crave that for myself. As hard as it was, I broke up with that guy. That was in April 2013. In September 2013, I found Rori, and a whole new adventure began.

    In May of this year, I met a wonderful man who treats me like a queen in every way and makes me so very happy. I was hoping the orgasmic sex would just click into place, but it didn’t, and faking began right away (even though I had promised myself I would not fake in my next relationship, I went right back to my old ways).

    However, about five months into the relationship he began going down on me for about 20 minutes straight, which I found out will give me an orgasm every time. I was in heaven! So happy to finally find a reliable way to come!

    So, here we are at seven months, and I am getting tired of faking orgasms and feel awful that I’m lying to this wonderful man, and I’m also not able to really keep that truth from leaking out at times. This tends to happen on those rare occasions when he does NOT go down on me and then we have sex for a very long time, and I feel so crummy that I can’t come, and he actually is unable to come about 20 percent of the time as well!

    So at those times I get really frustrated, and I say things about how he should just go down on me for about 20 minutes then go ahead and have sex with me until he comes (he says his inability to come sometimes is because he holds off in an attempt to give me more [fake] orgasms).

    So he gets really confused by these talks and starts to question why I would just want him to give me an orgasm through oral and then pleasure himself — he says he thought I was really enjoying myself during sex, and I can’t blame him for thinking that. I’ve been practicing this fake orgasm stuff since I was 14 (I’m 36 now).

    We’ve just had another one of these talks this morning, and he’s stalked off angry because he says he doesn’t know up from down when it comes to our sex life because most of the time I’m saying I’m coming like crazy, then every once in a while I’m letting onto the fact that the actual intercourse isn’t really very satisfying for me.

    With so many partners over so many years, including this current one, I have tried asking them to try all kinds of stuff on me that I think might maybe help me to orgasm. He incorporates ALL of it into our sex life and still the real orgasms during intercourse are infrequent for me.

    I am able to come when I masturbate, but it takes me quite a long time, around 40 minutes of consistent clitoral stimuation with either my hand or a vibrator — yes, it even takes me that long with a vibrator.

    The few times I have those authentic orgasms during actual intercourse, it is not really a matter of going for a long time or anything like that. We just happen to get into a position that makes me come, and it’s always unpredictable.

    Please Rori, Dominique, someone, anyone, help me out here. I am so lost and sad, and afraid that I’ve hurt my man’s ego or will have to crush his ego if I tell him the truth, and that he will never trust me again, and that he won’t want me if I’m “broken” and can only come reliably during oral.

  15.  #15Cutie on January 1, 2015 at 12:51 pm

    By the way, I’ve tried to just melt and breathe during sex and allow the sensations to move through me. This feels really good and seems like it might work if I could do it for long enough during sex. However, I usually start to worry about him not thinking I’m enjoying myself enough (so used to faking really enthusiastically). The couple times I’ve actually managed to just try to melt and breathe throughout the entire act, not doing any faking at all, he has ended up stopping without coming about 30 or 40 minutes into sex, saying that I don’t seem very into it and that it “doesn’t feel like us.” I can’t blame him, he’s used to me screaming and moaning in fake pleasure, so it must seem pretty weird when I don’t do that. : (

  16.  #16Dominique on January 1, 2015 at 1:13 pm

    Cutie – Did you know that there are VERY few women who are able to orgasm through intercourse alone? Even those who can usually need plenty of foreplay as well as stimulation during intercourse, eg. hers or her man’s hand stimulating her clitoris during intercourse.

    And many women need to teach their bodies how to orgasm even when by themselves.

    You are so normal. What hasn’t been good for you is the lying, the faking. Your man wants to please you, yet how can he know how when you’re not being honest with him. Would he be open to a heart-to-heart around this? I think it would be a good idea. Tell him the raw truth. Tell him about your fears and what led you to lie and fake orgasm. And that you would love to heal this with him. Ask for his help with this.

    You CAN cultivate your orgasms. I encourage you to read all you can in the sex section of the archives on my site. It does take time though to resensitize your tissues to feel more and thus be more able to orgasm readily.

    And orgasms though wonderful feeling, don’t have to be the end game, the goal here. It can be far more about sharing with each other, feeling close and connected whether you orgasm or not.

    I would also encourage you to explore tantra. I talk some about this in my own ebook. For more in depth talk, my favorite book is Margot Anand’s, the smaller one as well as the bigger one. The title escapes the moment, something like The Art of Sexual Ecstasy. That might even be it.

    Love to you.


  17.  #17Cutie on January 1, 2015 at 1:34 pm

    Oh, Dominique, I was praying you would respond to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    He is a very communicative person, loves to talk things through, and yet I am fearful about telling him the raw truth. How angry and hurt he will be to know that I lied to him in this way for the past seven months. I am so afraid of the aftermath of that conversation, and at the same time I can see how it may be my only way to the other side of this issue that has plagued me ever since I lost my virginity.

    I will try to come up with some sort of script to tell him the raw truth and ask for his help in working through it. I can only pray that my deceit around our sex does not ruin my relationship with him. He is a good and loving man.

    I will spend the rest of the day reading your entire archive of sex articles, and I will seek out the book on tantra that you recommend.

  18.  #18Dominique on January 1, 2015 at 1:55 pm

    Cutie – You are so very welcome. Yes he will likely feel hurt and angry, BUT he will get over it. Men tend to NOT hold onto things like many women are more likely to tend to. Tell him, you feel awful for having lied and that it was weighing on your heart so much, you didn’t want to continue, especially with him, someone you care about (love). If he’s the man for you, he WILL come round and want to work through this with you. Your only other option is continuing the lie. Yes it’s been seven months, but isn’t this better than seven years?

    If you want help with your script I can help you. I have a per email option in case you didn’t know for private coaching if you can manage it.

    Please let me know if I can help you further.

    Love to you.


  19.  #19Mistea1 on January 1, 2015 at 2:26 pm

    Indigo 13,
    Loved your post. I like Rori’s write a letter idea. I’m starting with that.

    True, men respond to actions. Make sure your actions come from clarity about your love for yourself.

    For me being love starts out with love of self. To me self love means non-violence to myself first. Self-care, indulgence in my music daily, keeping myself clean and well groomed, meditation, laughter, social events, what ever floats your boat. When I’m all filled up and content the love spills over to others without my efforts. People look me in the face and smile. Later on comes love for the world and your service, to be an example of love for all. I love it when the little babies look at me and smile. Love goes both ways.

    I think music is a fantastic way to learn to be love. Music has the capacity to bypass the intellect and go straight to the heart. Music penetrates, the mind, body, heart and soul so deeply the experience can have an orgasmic quality to it.

    I listen about a half hour a day to Mozart. There is information about what parts of Mozart are the best. Bach is another one I listen to daily and one I’m learning to play. Of course, Beethoven is my favorite and my particular sensual favorite is Paganini violin solos. You can read up about these people on the net and find some you like. I’m not fond of Mahler, but to each his own.
    I’m only talking about classical music here. There have been studies on this and you can find info on the net about it. I like popular music too but it doesn’t compare to classical. Don’t knock it until you try it.

    Now since music bypasses the intellect and it releases our emotional atmosphere it does not discriminate. I mean that the emotions released are all of them joy, sadness, happiness, despair, etc. So you must be prepared to heal the difficult ones. i had a deep one surrounding abandonment. Sometimes a therapist may help. Or a Rori coach. I like Mary Catherine.

    Indigo, let me know how you do with this. I’m interested.

  20.  #20Mistea1 on January 1, 2015 at 2:36 pm

    Indigo 13,

    Oh yes, do something with the stories and songs in your heart, write them down, sing them out, organize them to be published. Rori’s always saying we need to have our own thing. The world needs them desperately.
    Love, Mistea1

  21.  #21RileyTheOwl on January 1, 2015 at 2:41 pm

    Indigo, I just read one of your comments on the previous thread, and I want to tell you that I’m an INFP too(: I’ve never met or talked to another one before. how interesting.

  22.  #22Cutie on January 1, 2015 at 3:20 pm

    Dominque, thank you again. Your comment about seven months being better than seven years really hit me and actually made me feel grateful that I’m finally going to work through this lifelong issue, sooner rather than later, with a man I love very much.

    I ended up talking to him, and you are so right. He was hurt but much more interested in talking about ways we can start to work on things to be more authentic in the bedroom. He actually suggested getting some books to read together.

    I told him I had received a recommendation about a book on tantra and that I would try to pick it up before we see each other tomorrow night. He was all for it. Wow! I searched and found The Art of Sexual Ecstasy online, so you were right about the title. That is the one I’m going to get.

    Thank you for letting me know about your coaching. You will be the first person I turn to if I begin to feel myself hitting inner walls as we walk this path that I’ve never ever walked before. Wow, I feel like this is the final wall up I have to keep intimacy at bay, and I’m about to take it down. Yes, I may need your help.

    Thank you again. You are a blessing.

  23.  #23Dominique on January 1, 2015 at 3:41 pm

    Cutie – I feel SO very proud of you for talking to him. That took great courage. YAY you!!! And look how beautifully it all turned out. 🙂


  24.  #24Linda on January 1, 2015 at 4:50 pm

    I wanted to pop in and say Hi and Happy New Year to everyone.

    I had a personal revelation that I have been living my live “on hold” a few months back. It was all triggered by the comments about the Cinderella myth we can buy into. “Someday our prince will come” and everything in life will fall into to place and will be wonderful”. Unknowingly I had that internalized. I had so many things on the shelf . I had spoken “someday” to myself about so many things. Many of my “somedays” were tied to finances and the lack there of and finding the love relationship I desired so much.

    There was so much anxiety tied to my “someday story”. It carried so much weight and literally drove me . I have made some big changes have empowered me. I am for the first time in I cant remember when content and ok. Lacking and waiting on nothing anymore.

    I took me and my desires, hopes and dreams off the shelf and have been investing 100 percent of my energy into now, today and me. I had no idea that changing a mind set could make such a difference but it has.

    It feels wonderful to have embraced and enabled me. Oddly looking for a relationship is not even on my radar. It is literally not even a desire right now and I have never been in that sort of mindset. What a shift!

    I used to feel sad and trapped at times… now I feel curious, creative and free.

    I am looking forward to what 2015 will hold. I feel curious about its possibilities and excited to embrace them with this feeling of wholeness. Painting myself with love took on a whole new direction last year. Who knew that saying no to a relationship that just really didn’t fit right would pave the way for where I am today.!


  25.  #25Linda on January 1, 2015 at 4:58 pm

    Oh I wanted to say that for those of you who remember my problems with the man I contracted to do some work at my place and build a new mini barn got resolved in a way that I never imagined!

    The referral website that I registered with and that linked him to me stepped in and up and sent me every dime of my money back! All they asked of me was to send them a copy of the cancelled check and signed contract and I was sooo flabbergasted! and thankful!! They removed him from their service and gave me an apology for the trouble it had caused me.

    I have no idea if they went after him for the money he stole from me but the made it right with me.

    Oddly, I saw the man in a nearby store parking lot messing with his tire on his vehicle not long after I received the money. I felt such disgust and anger at him but just kept driving.

    I am a firm believer in you reap what you sow. Recieving my money back was a reminder of that!

  26.  #26Linda on January 1, 2015 at 5:49 pm

    The relationship the did not fit right… was with P and actually the other two before him.
    I continue to hear from P from time to time. He He still proclaims his undying love for me and would do anything to rekindle and make a relationship work. I feel uninterested and ambivalent toward him. He says he still loves me but I dont feel loved by him. He was so hard to get along with and fuzz…and was never a unconditional emotionally safe place for me. I could not relax and be me. I dont want anymore of the drama he creates in my life.

    There are episodes of memory that get triggered by little things here and there. They are unpleasant memories and they serve as reminders that reinforce my present contentment without him in my life. Sometimes I just talk out loud when I have a memory replay the moment to myself and I find it is healing. I embrace the feelings that come up around them and accept them as they are. Honestly the “Real” me put up with far too much.

    P text me one evening late saying he missed me so much and would do anything to rekindle. I was asleep and on my way to work when I got another text at 5:44 AM saying how foolish he felt he was for sharing his feelings for me and how he wished he hadn’t because obviously I had moved on etc etc. It really made me mad. I could only deduct that since he did not get the desired response from me that he again felt it necessary to “put words in my mouth” make me wrong and hurtful again. (the old expectations thing). I HATE that! I mean there is no room for me in this it he made it all about him again.

    I did not respond until he asked me if I was upset? I said.. Yes it is upsetting to me to receive text messages like that to start my day off with. He shared all kinds of stuff when I was asleep.. he worked himself into his own tizzy over the next 5 hours and them fired off the .. sorry to have bothered you.. obviously you have moved on blah blah blah. For goodness sake I was asleep! I told him I had thought I would share my feelings with him but since he had already decided what they were and had everything all figured out that there was no need for me to say anything ! It really just ticked me off and another reminder of what I dont want in my life.

    I still got a Merry Christmas text on christmas and last night a ?happy new year’s? (sent just like that) last night. What kind of text message was that? What would you feel he is saying? It did not bounce well off me.

    Its really no big deal and are small disruptions to the happiness I feel in my life right now and small hiccups on my peace-meter. 🙂

  27.  #27Nicole on January 1, 2015 at 7:33 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I’m feeling so disturbed rori. I have been in a on again, off again long distance relationship for 7years with my now fiancé (he proposed last month). This past year I moved to New Orleans (his hometown), we moved in together and I am now pregnant and we are now engaged and marrying in February. At first when I moved things were really great, I felt so connected and warm and happy and cared for and I still feel those things, there’s just one thing that was a small annoyance and has now become almost a fully grown elephant. I feel bad and disconnected when my fiancé seems to only be able to have sex doggy style or oral & whenever we happen to end up in a different position, he either goes soft or quickly changes positions (to oral or doggystyle).i feel so disconnected in these positions and I don’t really feel any skin to skin contact or eye contact, I feel like a piece of meat and I don’t like that. I feel silly about feeling so disturbed by this, I know many women would give anything to be with a guy who interacts with them the way my fiancé does (outside of sex) and I love him with my whole heart. But, I don’t know if I can marry myself into this, I feel unimportant sexually right now and I don’t know how to get this out to him.

    A little background on us, we are both 22 yrs. Old; we began dating when we were sophomore’s. We dated for a few months before he moved back to New Orleans(no sex, just fooling around), from there we dated another 6months long distance and though I loved him at that young age(16) I couldn’t handle the distance and began seeing someone else, we broke up. But, we always stayed in touch and built a pretty strong emotional connection. This time last year he began to pursue me and after a brief visit to New Orleans, I decided to move down here permanently. We moved in together, I became pregnant, we got engaged a month ago and here we are.

    I know there is attraction there and I couldn’t imagine he is gay (I have snooped at the porn he watches & no gay stuff there). Realizing that I was in a long distance, semi-imaginary relationship with my fiancé for so long, I guess it’s safe to say I have a little problem with intimacy myself and I do! I’m wondering if maybe that’s the issue for him also…

    I love the size of his penis and am happy we do oral and it does PHYSICALLY feel good in the doggy style position. But, I just feel so disconnected emotionally from him in that position, I feel like I’m a piece of meat instead of a woman, fiancé, wife, feminine creature. We have talked about this once before and I shared that I felt like a piece of meat and that I don’t want to feel that way and we agreed to try some different things. but, it never really happened. I must admit I felt nervous out of my mind about, the idea of him looking at me during sex, when we haven’t ever really done it that way before(I feel sad typing that).

    I don’t mean want to rant. I just really hope u can help me rori, with what to say or what to do in this situation, I really do love him. I don’t want to leave and at the same time, sex and intimacy do feel really important to me. I don’t know that I can agree to marry him when I’m feeling unhappy about the sex. I’m afraid I will feel the urge to cheat, stop having sex with him altogether or start lashing out and attacking him because of this… I was only able to find a couple of posts on the blog about sex, Please help.

  28.  #28Liquid Light on January 1, 2015 at 7:33 pm

    I had my date with “Andy” last night for NYE. It was like a dream, he gave me roses and had made reservations at a secluded restaurant plopped at an intersection in the middle of nowhere, we took a 45 min taxi ride there. Once we got there, we had a drink by the fire and listened to the small jazz band. I felt like we were in the Great Gatsby. Then got seated and got served a nine course meal and everything was absolutely amazingly delicious. We danced together for one song after midnight. He’s a really good dancer/leader and I was able to follow him (except for once or twice when I led, oops) and ended up taking the taxi back. He was all over me in the taxi which was really uncomfortable since the taxi driver was of course also there. Then he wanted to spend the night with me but I declined. The ride back and him making out with me in the car were a bit much. But overall it was a great evening. We ended up spending most of the day together (not my choice) and I took him on my favorite hike which he enjoyed.

    We finally parted ways (not his choice) because I already had spent way more time with him than I had planned and it was really starting to make me anxious. He then texted and called me after he got back home! It’s all way too much for me and part of me wants to bolt as fast as I can in the opposite direction. But there’s part of me that’s intrigued, so I’m really struggling with it. I could easily just drop the whole thing (prob much more comfortable for me to do) and leave behind the things that i don’t like (his age, the way he eats – really sloppy – his coming on way too strong) all of these things are a turn off. But then he’s also really sweet to me, is a great communicator (he’s a therapist), is really good and successful at what he does and sounds like he’s got an absolutely stunning home, and really wants to please me….I just don’t know if I can convince myself to be attracted to him or not…I just can’t fake it or force that kind of thing….argghhh!!! help!!!

  29.  #29Andrea on January 1, 2015 at 7:39 pm

    Small hiccups on the peace meter. I like that.
    I keep reminding myself of that during this trying time.

    Baby Daddy drama! So he’s been evicted from the place he was staying here in my town. He came over at Christmas and told my daughters and I that he is going back to Tacoma where all of his family is, and heading back out to the fishing ships in Alaska.

    But now has shown up on my door with no money, no home, and no means of transport back to Tacoma.

    Another person I want out of my life.

    I don’t have the funds to transport him across the states, but if I did I might purchase his tickets for him. I feel angry, sad, fearful. I feel fearful because he is the guy who is knocking on my door, leaning in to me, taking up my energy, breathing in my space. Where are the good men??

    I feel fearful because I want to push Push PUSH him away from me, but who is going to show up next? I feel perplexed. What lesson am I needing to learn here? What am I giving off that this beggar quality man is in my life?

    Manipulative, needy, poor, down and out, dependent on others, lack of self responsibility..

    Is this me? Am I the one who is this and just don’t see it? Why is this man still in my life? Why is that friend I talked about before still in my life? What message am I sending out that this signal is the one I’m picking up on?

    I’m grateful for this stuff to be coming up at the beginning of the year. I want it sifted out of my system and I want to be done with it. I’m exhausted of judging and disliking and feeling distasteful around the people that are in my life.

    I feel dragged down by what I judge to be other people’s lack of good decision making for their health, finances, and other things. I feel put out by other people’s inadequate behaviour.
    At the same time I feel… who am I to decide what is good for someone else? Who am I to say they are unhealthy or unfit or making poor life decisions?
    But then, they are invading my peace of mind safe space happy place. One is invading my home because I couldn’t let him be homeless in the dead of the winter. He is the father of my daughters.

    But I wish so badly that he was different. That he was responsible and could take care of himself and help with taking care of the girls. I feel grief. I am actually grieving the man I had made him out to be for all these years while he was not present in our lives.

    Jeesh… Happy New Year. : (

  30.  #30Andrea on January 1, 2015 at 8:30 pm

    Oof Nicole #27. I can relate to what you’re feeling.

    I dated a man I thought I was all in love with. We had dates, conversation, he was, to me, exactly what I wanted.

    Then our third time making love, he turned our sex into about an hour long instruction guide to what HE likes sexually. I was so turned off.

    I felt like a paid sex partner, as though I were there to please him. When I have come to realize that the best sexual interaction for both partners are when the man pleases the woman and then he gets all the affection and accolades and hero treatment because she (I) feels so overwhelmed with how good she feels because of him and his sexual prowess.

    Luckily for me, unlike your situation, I was only in it for a few months and after that icky sex experience, was able to simply not see him anymore.

    I feel understanding for you and hopeful that at your young age you are seeking to work this out now. I feel impressed with your knowledge of yourself thus far with your realization that the results of your dissatisfaction with sex might lead you to lash out when you don’t want to.

  31.  #31Tatia Dee on January 1, 2015 at 8:57 pm

    Happy New Year Rori & Sirens!

    My New Year’s tradition is to keep a journal from the first day of the year to the last. No surprise there, lol, but the fun part is that it takes up a few books each year. So I’m creating volumes of books! So New Years Day marks the first page of the first book of my volume of the new year. It’s become a special private ritual for me over the years.

    Much Love,


  32.  #32Nicole on January 1, 2015 at 9:14 pm

    Thank you Andrea I just don’t know what to do.. It doesn’t feel like he’s being selfish with me be cuz he does give me oral before we do any sex, it’s just this doggy style thing.. I’ve never had this situation with anyone else.. I don’t understand what it means and I feel myself going into “fix it” mode to try to make everything better. Sigh.

  33.  #33Femininewoman on January 2, 2015 at 2:58 am

    Nicole I feel your sadness and do believe you can share it with him. Choose a tender moment when your heart is really soft towards him and share what you have shared with us. You are a young woman with many years of sexual experience to discover. If his family experience is long term marriage he w ill likely want to experience that and I feel respect towards him being so young and already knowing he wants to settle down with you. He obviously wants you to feel pleasured because he takes care of you orally first. Maybe he learnt this from other women or other men. He wants to feel pleasure and maybe even power and that style might create those feelings for him. You might be telling yourself that you feel like a dog in that position and just need to change your frame of reference. I encourage you to tell him you are feeling bored to the point of a bit turned off with sex in that position. That you want to experience it in other ways, maybe even with you on top of him. That you want to feel kissed, touched and seen during sex. That you want to feel his mouth on your breasts during sex. Find a way to share your fantasies with him that expresses what you dream about as your experience during sex. Let him know you want to feel high on the pleasure that sex coupled with kissing can bring. Get clear on how you want to feel before you share because you don’t want this to be about a power play. Maybe he just needs to feel powerful and in control and this position during sex helps him to feel that way and that he is the man. Your words might help him to feel that way even in different positions. Such as perched on top of the sink in the bathroom.

    I dunno I hope Dominique chimes in for you. She is the expert on this topic. You can also look through the blog and click on her name. It will take you to her site which is a treasure trove of great stuff.

  34.  #34Labbit on January 2, 2015 at 7:17 am

    New Year’s Eve was wonderful! It’s pretty much my favorite holiday…OK maybe because it’s my birthday too, I love that at midnite everyone is toasting and cheering and YES I pretend like it’s all for me haha. It’s so kind of the world to have all these celebrations for my special day.

    It was such a whirlwind day, I had brunch with my girlfriends and then TenderCD and I spent the afternoon with my family. We sat in front of a fire at my parents’ place and chatted with my siblings and their partners. One of my sisters is having a lot of strife with her man right now…I’m totally bringing her here. Her guy seemed disconnected from the rest of us but otherwise everyone was happy, chill and content.

    Then for the evening my brother, his wife, TenderCD and I went to a big party in the city but not before a hair and makeup appointment that TenderCD had set up for me! He booked me at my favorite salons…I was so impressed that he remembered the names of the places. I got my hair blown out very straight and sleek and sexy and went a little over the top with makeup, because I figure NYE is the one night a year you can do that. Sparkly eyes, bright lips, tons of eyeliner, LOL. I normally keep things really simple and fresh so this was quite a change. I texted TenderCD a photo before I left the salon and he responded, “We might not make it out of the apartment…”

    The party was so much fun, it was at a rooftop bar in a pretty fancy hotel downtown, so the crowd was fairly big but limited in size, thank god. The skyline views from the heated outdoor patio were sweet and our tickets included unlimited drinks. I was shocked; I thought we’d have to pay for drinks on top of our tickets! Because of this TenderCD and I drank way more than we planned too…we didn’t get stupid drunk but we were definitely past tipsy. My brother and his wife were such good company too. I’m so glad we’d booked a car service to get us home.

    At one point my brother and TenderCD were discussing ‘reeling their women in’ and it was great for me, I got so many peeks into Tender’s inner workings. One exchange that really sticks out for me was when TenderCD was talking about the first time we’d dated (I had broken up with him for a few months and then we got back together at his effort), he mentioned that he often laid back and didn’t call me or ask me out as much as he wanted to because he felt like he had to play it cool with me. I wanted to probe him about this so much more!!! Because I can remember so many times the first time we dated when I wondered if he even really liked me because days would sometimes go by in between his calls or texts, or times when I felt like he dropped the ball in asking me out and I would feel so mad. It’s funny how I used to think he was such a feminine-energy guy, but really he was just nervous. Like me! Ahhh I wish I’d known…I wish I’d relaxed.

    I didn’t ask though, because as much as I was dying to know more our communication is great now and it’s really none of my business what he was thinking or why he was doing what he was doing at the time. But man the temptation was strong!

    At midnight we had a champagne toast and danced for another couple of hours before coming home and collapsing into bed together. My parents invited us out to their cabin this weekend and I expected TenderCD to politely beg off, but to my surprise he enthusiastically accepted and even offered to cook dinner on Saturday. I’m thrilled! After that I’ll probably need a break…we’ve been spending lots of time together and it’s so wonderful but I need to stretch out a bit. All of this intimacy has been harder than I thought; I do have a hard time letting him get in and super close. I shut down a bit and that pushes him away, and then I have to fight off every feeling i have to chase after him and just hold the space until he comes back to me. It’s scary to me, I sometimes feel like I’m losing myself when he gets really close, like we’re melting together. I need to know where he ends and I begin. Sometimes I just need a few moments or hours to soothe myself and check in and make sure I feel OK.

    I feel floaty. I feel like ooey gooey good sticky honey. I’m all warm and melty.

  35.  #35Mistea1 on January 2, 2015 at 8:15 am

    Ooh, you got the day you deserved! What fun and your birthday too. I feel so happy for you. Way to go!

  36.  #36Indigo on January 2, 2015 at 8:42 am

    Mistea 19,

    Thank you for your beautiful post about the music… I am letting this sit with me and incubate with me and I will come on here and let you know…

    For now, I must say this was so beautiful and my passion for music is matched only by my passion for stories.


  37.  #37Indigo on January 2, 2015 at 8:44 am

    RileytheOwl 21,

    Yay for INFP’s! The description of INFP matches me to the tee.

    I feel so happy to know you are an INFP.

  38.  #38Indigo on January 2, 2015 at 8:57 am


    Happy birthday dear Siren!

    Your description of your New Year sounds just wonderful, and as always telling what was going on for you at the time was very helpful to me.

    Hope the rest of your celebrations are wonderful too. xx

  39.  #39Moon on January 2, 2015 at 9:04 am

    Dear Sirens,

    Coul you please help me with what I posted in #12? He is my ex. He broke it off last year, but we kept seeing each other and ocassionally sleeping together. I now feel embarrased about being in a FWB situation because it wasn’t what I wanted. His grandfather died this week, it was like a father to him. I contacted him as soon as I heard the news and he responded. The next day I texted him again to see how he was doing. Both times I got very affectionated responses from him. But I’m worried about how he is going to handle hid grief. I feel the urgency of contacting him, to go see him and give him a hug. My heart aches. I feel so powerless. I told him he has all my support, but I know he is going to isolate himself for a while. What do I do?

    Please help me sirens! Sorry if my english is not very good, my native language is spanish.

    Thank you!

  40.  #40April Rose on January 2, 2015 at 9:09 am

    Indigo and Riley The Owl,

    I am INFP aswell!

    I’m wondering what it signifies for relationships….?
    Do we need a particular kind of man?

  41.  #41April Rose on January 2, 2015 at 9:19 am


    Big hugs to you. I feel your pain – that of loving a man who is not giving you the relationship you want.

    You are a compassionate loving person with much empathy. Yet I would not reach out again if it were me. I would give myself those hugs.
    I understand so well what it is like to feel powerless.

    You deserve so much more than friends with benefits.

  42.  #42Indigo on January 2, 2015 at 9:33 am

    April Rose,

    Yay! I have not given this specific question much thought, but for me it seems that I need a man of absolute integrity. Integrity and principle tends to be very important to INFP’s.

  43.  #43Indigo on January 2, 2015 at 9:37 am


    I would not reach out to this man again, nor try to support or comfort him.

    For 2 reasons:
    1) You are not in a committed relationship, so this kind of sending your energy towards him, however well-intentioned, is likely to feel like smothering and push him away.

    2) You love this man, and so friends with benefits situation is selling yourself desperately short. You are giving to this man and he is not giving you the same in return, or what you deserve, and this is only going to serve to lower your value in his eyes and your own. Turn your attention and love and focus to yourself instead and to wanting better for yourself.

    Hugs to you

  44.  #44Azure Blu on January 2, 2015 at 9:52 am

    Ohhh… Happiest of Birthdays, Siren!!!

    I feel ssoooo happy reading about your beautiful time with Tender and family on NYE and birthday!!
    How lovingly you are letting yourself ease into more and more intimacy with Tender…
    Huggs to you rockin the Rori tools!!!

  45.  #45Nicole on January 2, 2015 at 10:27 am

    Thank you femininewoman, that is what I will do.

  46.  #46lovetodance on January 2, 2015 at 10:42 am

    nicole 27

    thank you lovely one for sharing your story and vunerability with us.

    what comes up for me in this story and your fiance’s preferences is maybe a fear of intimacy on his part….or possibly both your parts..maybe looking eye to eye with you during sex is overwhelming maybe for both of you…….and how do you feel looking closely into his eyes? his soul?…

    we all have different times and ways that we are intimate….ways that help us feel close and intimate but also a feeling of safety and sometimes a bit distant..we are best when we know how much we can open….. when we may need to back off alittle and take some time…or distance….

    being able to ‘tolerate’ intimacy is a skill, an artform, something all of us learn….it is easier for some….we are all on a continuum ….we are at different stages with our ability to be deeply intimate sexually and emotionally….and this may change day to day, month to month, year to year….it is cyclical….not linear i believe….

    i have a wise friend who says intimacy is a string of moments….

    it is not a continual state of being ….within our own selves or with the people we relate to….

    …maybe something to keep in mind as you explore this tender tender part of your life with the man you love….

    good luck and i see only growth and health here….

  47.  #47Labbit on January 2, 2015 at 10:46 am

    Thank you Indigo and Azure Blu!! 🙂

  48.  #48April Rose on January 2, 2015 at 11:17 am

    Happy Birthday Labbit,

    Wishing you all the joys your heart can hold 🙂

  49.  #49RileyTheOwl on January 2, 2015 at 11:23 am

    April Rose and Indigo, (fellow INFP’s)
    To answer the question about what kind of man… that’s a very broad question, and I don’t have the experience to compare the traits of various men I’ve been with as I’ve only ever been with C.
    The traits I like about C which I love and wouldn’t be able to be without would be his kindness, patience and gentleness when it comes to my deep feelings. Sometimes I feel things so strongly about the smallest things, where I start crying and can’t speak and just sit still and want to feel someones arms around me. Somehow, C understands these things, and without asking any questions will just hold me and show his patience. There’s something here that I can’t quite put into words… something about just how he understands me.

  50.  #50Labbit on January 2, 2015 at 12:05 pm

    Thank you April Rose!!! It was a fun-filled day and evening to be sure. My heart is nearly bursting with joy.

  51.  #51Liquid Light on January 2, 2015 at 12:22 pm

    Happy Birthday Labbit! Sounds like an absolutely amazing birthday/NYE!

  52.  #52Liquid Light on January 2, 2015 at 12:28 pm

    Nichole, for what its worth, I prefer that position. For me, I get more stimulated when the man is behind me so its more enjoyable for me. Sex is so charged and we all have different preferences and who knows where they come from and why we have them. Oftentimes these desires can be pretty bizarre/perverse so in the scheme of things, your man seems pretty tame in his preferences. I don’t think I’d sweat too much. But that’s just my 2 cents. Also, I think sexual turn-ons can change over time and we can grow and learn from our partners.

  53.  #53Dominique on January 2, 2015 at 1:14 pm

    Nicole – 27 – Femininewoman gave you some wonderful things to think about and say.

    I do feel some concern here because it seems to me your man has become accustomed to porn sex. And he may only be able to maintain arousal in this way which you alluded to.

    It’s great that he enjoys giving oral, yet as you have said, it’s not enough. You want a fuller, more connected, intimate experience.

    I don’t want you pointing out that this may be his problem, for it’s not apparently a problem for him, but it is for you. And if he truly love you and is the man for you, he WILL want to please you. It may take some time and patience though on both your parts to accustom him to new things, things which make you feel good, loved, connected.

    Sharing with him openly yet lovingly, making it all about you and what would make YOU feel good is likely the best way to go. BUT I also encourage you to let him know what it is he does do which you love and enjoy. For example – I LOVE your penis, and it feels so good when you enter me from behind. Yet I feel disconnected from you sometimes like this. I love being able to see your face, look into your eyes, touch you. It would feel so good to…….with you. –

    You can change the words to make them more you. Do you see though how positive this short speech is though, not making him wrong?


  54.  #54Dominique on January 2, 2015 at 1:19 pm

    Happy! Happy!! Happy!!! Day!!!! Beautiful Labbit. <3 xxoo

  55.  #55Dominique on January 2, 2015 at 1:23 pm

    Oh and Nicole, I failed to talk about the possibility of intimacy fears. This is something most everyone fears to some degree or another. The deep down no thought place inside when faced with the possibility of intimacy can become very frightened indeed, that level of vulnerability as well as the possibility of loss once you feel it.

    This is something you might want to ponder, to observe within yourself, for if you’re feeling it, chances are he’s reflecting this back to you as well. And maybe this is something you can heal together. It’s a lovely journey.


  56.  #56IamHis on January 2, 2015 at 1:28 pm

    I feel…triggered. I think sex would work so much better within the context of marriage and without the poison of porn. I know that statement is likely going to trigger a ton of lovely women on here, but it’s my honest opinion, and I choose to love my honest opinion.

    I don’t feel overly attached to CP, but I appreciate him. We haven’t met in real life yet, just talking, and it’s been great practice really, and I mean REALLY opening up about my broken heart, my body image issues, depression, money, narcisstic personality disorder, and how incredibly difficult and scary it feels to honestly and openly communicate about sensitive, triggering topics.

    It felt really healing talking to him about “The Guy Who Brought Me Here” because indirectly he IS “the Guy Who Brought Me Here.”

    in other words, someone who was interested in two girls, but married one while still having feelings for the other, primarily because he *did* love his wife to whom he is now divorced, but “the one he really wanted” didn’t communicate her “deep feelings” for him, or he didn’t find out about them, until after he was already married to his ex-wife.

    Talk about a scary, emotional, healing conversation.

    We’re supposed to meet at the end of the month, and I just flat out told him that I feel terrified to do so, definitely want to date other men, and feel terrified of telling my parents about him. which feels weird, because…I guess that means he’s becoming important to me?

  57.  #57RileyTheOwl on January 2, 2015 at 3:01 pm

    I am having guy friend problems. I haven’t talked about it this man once on here, but his name is Eric, and he is a really close friend of mine. He is important to me. He is a very masculine man, and although I’m not interested in anything romantic I like to lean back a lot and practice my tools around him.
    He is, as he likes to put it, very spontaneous. And he likes to call on a whim, often to say let’s go biking then get hot chocolate. Or calls and says I’ll pick you up in 5 and we’ll go skating together.and I love this, because he’s always so lean forwardy and amazing and I just feel great with him. plus he always has good ideas and we always do fun things together. We are very close and really understand each other. The problem is he always always calls last minute. Maybe gives me a couple hours warning. And I use to love this last minute “let’s go out” spontaneity, yet lately I’ve been really loving my 24 hour rule. And I’ve started to apply it to him.
    He’s not taking my 24 hour rule well 🙁 I haven’t seen him in 3 weeks…
    The last time he called, I said: ” Ohh well I’d really love to see you, but I can’t tonight!” And he said, why not? And I said “tonight I’m just having some relaxing me time… But I’d love to see you another time”
    And he never responded… He’s texted me a couple times since to say merry Christmas and such, but I tried to explain to him how I want our plans to be in advance and all he said was “but you know me, I’m spontaneous!” And then I just don’t hear from him. and I really miss him.
    Sighh, I wish he could just text me a day in advance… I really want to see him, I need a friend to talk to right now, but he’s been so distant. Is it okay to lean forward with guy friends, even if they’re really masculine?

  58.  #58Andrea on January 2, 2015 at 3:10 pm

    Oh IAmHis, I have to admit that I have had the absolute gamut of sexual experiences. All as a single woman, sometimes in relationships, but never married.

    And I can’t speak for anyone else, but I crave… long for… fantasize…. about a sexual relationship with in the loving, trusting, committed bubble of marriage. I want that, even with all the good experiences I’ve had. I want that because I feel I would come alive and open up even more to a man I finally and completely was able to trust.

    I want that so bad that I’ve renewed my commitment to myself to not have sex until I’m in a relationship that is marriage bound.

    I feel so done with giving myself away. Again. I’m only speaking for myself. But I’ve had so much sexual experience that I feel I can give myself and my lovely body a bit of break now. I feel I can take the time to focus on my heart, mind, spirit and let the body stuff come after a little while.

    I’m 41 years old. I actually am very happy with the sexual past that I’ve had. I don’t have any regrets where that is concerned. And I have talked to my daughters about sexual responsibility with the understanding that they will have sex before they get married as well.

    But now. Now is the time for me to relax and let love come and then commitment come and then sex. That’s just MY story. That’s just MY timing. MY way right now.

    It’s not the RIGHT way. It’s just MY way. It’s right for me at this time.

    As for porn, I can’t say much about it. I have watched it at times and it has turned me on greatly. But I haven’t been involved with too many men who have openly been into it. And I’m not into it enough to go out of my way to find it. But I’m not against it. I could take it or leave it. I guess you could say, it doesn’t trigger me at all.

  59.  #59Labbit on January 2, 2015 at 3:18 pm

    Oh Mistea1 I missed you earlier, thank you for the birthday wishes!! 🙂

    Thank you Liquid Light!!

    Thanks Dominique!! xoxo 🙂

  60.  #60Labbit on January 2, 2015 at 3:27 pm

    57 Riley — Hmm, I’m intrigued to hear what other Sirens think about your dilemma. When I read your comment my gut is saying rules are great but things like the 24 hour rule are, for me at least, helpful mostly when I’m overfunctioning or concerned a man isn’t treating me with respect. From what you’ve said here it sounds like this man is treating you very well and you enjoy his company as a good friend. So why mess with a good thing? If you’re not interested in him romantically you might be creating distance where maybe there doesn’t need to be any. I am very much like you in that I like to practice all the tools with my male friends…not at the expense of our friendship though. If you’re comfortable with your friendship being spontaneous, enjoy it! friend like this too…and I let him be him. I see him when I can, and if I’m busy he’s understanding.

    I think it would be OK to lean forward a bit and reach out if you miss him. Don’t apologize, just say you’ve been really busy if he asks for an explanation. Enjoy him as a friend and don’t worry about fitting him into any buckets. 🙂

  61.  #61Dixie on January 2, 2015 at 4:02 pm

    57 – Riley, I agree with Labbit – as long as you don’t feel like you’re overthinking or overfunctioning, then enjoy his company and friendship. If you need to take a step back, then you’ll feel it in your gut. Otherwise, enjoy the friendship that he’s offering. You mentioned that you don’t have romantic feelings for him so, along with what Labbit said, maybe try not to create distance if the distance itself feels inauthentic.

    Labbit- happy birthday and hooray to you for manifesting your NYE letter so quickly! Your letter felt like it was a thousand little glowing candles – reading your letter and then your NYE account made me feel so excited for you!

  62.  #62RileyTheOwl on January 2, 2015 at 4:12 pm

    Thank you. Yes… I really don’t want to practice this tool at the expense of my friendship with him… Sometimes it has really gotten on my nerves though, because whenever I AM busy, he gets half-jokingly mad at me then hangs up. But I can’t always be available last minute.

    Maybe the answer is, yes, to not be so strict about it.. but next time he gets frustrated with me for not being available last minute, I gently deliver a feeling message about how this bothers me… As I really do likr seeing him, but sometimes I’m just not able to be ready to go so suddenly.

    I did lean forward a bit yesterday and sent him a happy New year’s text, but he hasn’t answered… And I don’t feel comfortable saying anything else until I’ve heard back from him.

  63.  #63Mandy on January 2, 2015 at 4:16 pm

    Thank you Beloved,

    I feel good that everyone feels good about this. I still can’t help but feel sad. I was just thanking him for doing the dishes and he rolled his eyes at me. Every time he does something like that I am closer and closer to feeling 100% ready to say my speech…

    Love, give me strength!

  64.  #64Andrea on January 2, 2015 at 5:16 pm

    Riley, for me, a guy friend is just a friend. I treat my guy friends for the most part any way I would a female friend.
    When I need my gal pal, I call her up. I set boundaries with her as well, but it’s not a romantic relationship and I have no feelings for her. I call her when I need to talk.

    If that’s how you feel about your guy pal, why not call him up? You’re not looking for romance, you’re looking for a friend to talk to.

  65.  #65Dominique on January 2, 2015 at 5:21 pm

    Riley – 57 – I totally agree with Labbit here. He’s a friend, not a romantic interest. If you’re free and want to see him, then go ahead and see him. You won’t have lost anything, and actually you will have gained time with a friend with whom you enjoy spending time. And it won’t mess up the masculine/feminine energy dynamic just as it wouldn’t if he were a girlfriend of yours.


  66.  #66Radlove on January 2, 2015 at 6:03 pm

    Yayyy! I’ve been looking for Rori’s annual new year blog post! I think this is the best write up about New Year’s ever!

    I started a new tradition yesterday on New Year’s Day…I made love! Hahaha!

  67.  #67Mandy on January 2, 2015 at 6:12 pm


    I have ALWAYS felt that way about New Year’s resolutions and have never made them because I felt like everyone does it, but they don’t ever follow through and they don’t know exactly why they are doing it.

    Dominique –

    THANK you so much. I DO feel like I’ve turned from a caterpillar into a butterfly in this relationship…and he has helped me do so…which is why I feel he will be a WONDERFUL friend. 🙂

    I am a completely different woman than I was three years ago…obese, living with my parents and no sight of change. J has taken me into his home, helped me through college (study guide), helped build my confidence, supported my weight loss, and has been incredibly positive and accepting of every positive change I’ve made to become the woman I want to be, and for that, I am forever grateful to him…he even was there for me through my Thyroid removal surgery. That’s definitely nothing to sneeze at. If he is in my life if I ever get married, he would definitely be invited to the wedding because he helped get me there.

    He truly is a beautiful person, and I want him to know I will always have love for him in a very spiritual manner.

  68.  #68Moon on January 2, 2015 at 6:29 pm

    April Rose 41,

    Thank you so much for your kind words. I know I deserve more. One of my intentions this year is move on from him. However, once I heard about his loss I felt like a wave of love pouring out of my heart, compassion maybe. I’ll try to control the urgency to contact him to see how he’s doing. (Sigh)

    Indigo 43,

    I’ve been reading your story with D for a while and I can relate to your posts. My situation and yours have some similarities. Thank you so much for your thoughts.

    I’m also an INFP 🙂

    Hugs and love!

  69.  #69Radlove on January 2, 2015 at 6:36 pm

    New Year’s 2016
    Dear Rori and Sirens,

    This has been the most wonderful year of my life! I have always known God’s hand was on my life, that He had special plans for me, for a special relationship, and to be in a spiritual leadership role like I never imagined! It has finally happened!

    I started my own business at last, which has funded my ministry, which is all about helping animals and people! And I made more money in one year than I have ever made! I’ve got about $20,000 coming in a month! I am debt free, and I have plenty of money for helping people and animals who are in need! I have bought not only my first house, but an entire 92 acre farm! Things have come together nicely! I started a farm for unwanted dogs, cats, and farm animals that will give them nothing but love! Now I am starting on the next phase, bringing foster children to live on my farm where they will be nurtured with love from both myself, my husband, and the animals! Many of the foster children are troubled teens, and I am able to informally counsel them to steer them in the direction of life, peace, and love!

    Now I have all the LOVE and ROMANCE I ever wanted to experience in 2015. My husband is handsome, intelligent, sensitive, kind, generous, and most of all, he loves Je/s/us! We are so harmonious, and our love just flows naturally. I feel respected and loved, and SECURE and COMMITTED. He came out of the past and surprised me by asking me if I would be by his side forever!

    Last summer my man and I went to Hawaii for two weeks! It was the best vacation of my life! My life with this phenomenal man has been heaven-on-earth. I was surprised out-of-the-blue, by a proposal from him for the totally committed relationship I’ve always wanted.

    I am down to my right weight and wearing a size 12 again! I can look back over this year and hear my own self LAUGHING with sheer joy!

    My house is in order, my papers and bills are in order, and my life is flourishing and prospering in every way! My past year has been a triumph of personal power and confidence. I have been HAPPY every step of the way.

    I am living this great, new, beautiful life that I only imagined in the past. It’s been only one year, and I’m ALREADY SUCCESSFUL! I can’t wait to see what 2016 brings!

    Love, Brenda

  70.  #70Violet on January 3, 2015 at 5:43 am

    Hello everyone…. Would someone explain what an ‘INFP’ is?

    * I love this post! It is so apropos to the decision I made on New Year’s Day. I decided to reinvent myself. Part of that is realizing that I was the ‘ONLY’ one holding myself back in the past.
    I don’t want to do this to myself anymore. While I may consider others’ opinions; they aren’t the ones making the final decisions. I take ownership of that. It feels so good to take ownership and allow myself to feel what I’m feeling whenever I feel it.
    * Here’s what reinventing means to me: I feel that I am always reinventing myself. I make it okay to try things. I accept that I could perceive what I tried as not being healthy for me in whatever context ie… Diet, beauty, philosophy, emotions, attitude, etc… I am not beating myself up for trying. I am not beating myself up for not trying.
    * It all boils down to perception of who I want to be and stepping out of old patterns to work towards becoming that person. It’s always going to be a work in progress. I embrace every aspect of myself NOW.
    * I’ve already lost over 22lbs. I’m going to look into getting my hair lightened and the style changed… I’m going to revamp my wardrobe, I’m going to try different makeup.. these things are the ‘outer me.’
    * I am proud of myself for wanting to do things to become a better, ‘inner me.’
    * I am thankful for men and women like Rori who want to affect positive change in this world. I am thankful for the two people that I call ‘good friends.’ Both are so gracious by listening to me. I used to feel like I got more than I gave. I don’t feel this way anymore.
    One reason for this is because I know how it feels to help others. It feels like such an honor that another person would want to confide in me. I feel trusted, valued, significant…
    * One of my good friends is a man. He has provided an atmosphere that is enabling me to trust men again. He is a sounding board into the thoughts and feelings of most men.
    * I WILL continue to step through the open doors. The journey continues… It starts now and (God willing); it will begin again tomorrow.

    Thank you for reading this and for your feedback. Hugs to all the fantastic female sirens that you are, Violet

  71.  #71Labbit on January 3, 2015 at 7:49 am

    62 Riley — Ahh, I didn’t get that context originally, better picture now. It’s up to you at this point, if it were me I’d probably give him a bit of space for a week or so. My friend who is like this, he’ll go through spurts of wanting to see me all the time and then disappear for a month or two.

    Here’s a little tool I’d use with ‘last-minute’ CDs that might help. Normally they’d text me something like “What are you up to?” the day or evening they wanted to see me.

    I’d reply back one of three things, depending on how Goddessy I was feeling in that moment:
    1. Not feeling extra Goddessy: “Hey you, it would feel so fun to see you tonight! Argh! I’ve already made plans though. Hope to see you soon!”
    2. Feeling Goddessy: “Hey you, it would feel so fun to see you tonight! Argh! I’ve already made plans though. Maybe next week?”
    3. Feeling extra Rock Star Goddessy: “Aww, hey you, it would feel so fun to see you tonight! Argh! I’ve already made plans though. Up for next week? I’m free on Tuesday or Friday evening.”

    Then immediately after sending this response I go off and do something nice for myself so my energy is focused on me and not him. So I’m pretty much assuming the purpose of his text/call is to ask me out, because I’m amazing so OF COURSE he wants to see me! And then he’s like…OF COURSE I want to see her! More than 60% of the time when I sent this reply, the men would immediately set up a date in the near future. Not amazing odds but better than half.

    For anyone considering using this on a CD or potential CD, it’s also a great filtering tool.
    — The jerk/player responds: “I wasn’t asking you out. I was just seeing what you were up to.” This man will never cherish my feelings and immediately gets crossed off the list. See ya later, stud. Good luck with that.
    — The clueless guy responds: “Oh OK, yeah we should get together soon.” And then doesn’t pick up the ball. That’s alright for a little while…I’ll give him another shot or two.
    — The masculine man responds: “Great! Let’s do Tuesday next week. I know of a quiet dinner spot. Around 7?” Hooray this guy!! He wins because he gets a little cookie in knowing I’m sad not to see him tonight, that I would like to see him, but he still has control over the time, date, place, etc. He gets to make me feel good which makes him feel really good. HE WINS, but more importantly I WIN TOO.

    For awhile it seemed like I got player after player or clueless guy after clueless guy. Still, it was such a confidence builder between being able to filter out the men who would never be relationship candidates or the men who I’d constantly be chasing that in a relatively short amount of time I started getting more and more masculine men, and it felt SO FRIGGIN GOOD. When you have a real masculine man pursuing you who rows the boat and knows how to lead you will never go back to accepting less. Less will feel so bad and icky and turn you off quickly. So if you’re running into a lot of players or feminine-energy men, hold your course and believe that the good men will start to show up. You’re raising your vibration each time you keep your boundaries, don’t accept less, and focus on making yourself happy. Better men will show up, and it’s amazing.

  72.  #72Indigo on January 3, 2015 at 8:26 am

    Violet 70,

    INFP is a personality type on the Myers-Briggs scale. It stands for “Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving”.

    You can read the full description of the type here:

  73.  #73Indigo on January 3, 2015 at 8:32 am

    Labbit 71,

    Thank you for this. Very helpful.

    I always really thought I understood the concept of the masculine man and what he would do, but experience has shown me that in the past, if my feelings for a man were strong enough, or if I felt lonely or needy enough, I was willing to let a guy get away with a lot less. Ah, it’s all a learning experience isn’t it, and the good news is that I am learning in leaps and bounds what to say yes to and what to say no to, and to set my sights high as a wonderful goddess woman! Yay! This feels so new and empowering. I read Leigha Lake’s free e-book today and it was extremely good and eye-opening as well. I feel like I’m on a whole new plane in 2015.

    Your post felt resonant to me as well because I, once again, got a text from the guy friend I spoke about on the other thread, the one who is always pushing me to do stuff with him even though he can’t make proper plans and clearly has an agenda of wanting to date me. His text asked me what I was up to this evening and then asked why I don’t come to a barbecue with him. I felt sooo annoyed by this but responded in a way I was happy with. It made me realize that I am becoming rock solid in what I won’t accept.

  74.  #74Labbit on January 3, 2015 at 9:34 am

    Indigo — Yes I totally get what you are saying…I’ve had similar experiences in the past.

    It’s so funny that you mentioned Leigha Lake on the other post. I talked to my sister who was having issues with her man on NYC about Rori’s methods and asked her if she’d be open to it. She is and asked me where to start. Something drew me to Leigha’s site and I ended up buying her two books. I read through them and not only felt like they’d be perfect for my sis but also really helpful for me. We’re going to do the workbook together. 🙂 I’d be interested to hear your thoughts!

    I find that with every new level of intimacy I reach with TenderCD, there is an old masculine-energy habit of mine that comes to the surface. I’m grateful to be able to recognize it…but I don’t always know what to do besides leaning back. I want to heal these things as they come up. I think Leigha’s work, and Stephanie Turner’s as well, are going to be very helpful for this. And Dominique’s coaching has been a huge catalyst for me as well.

    I’m at my parent’s cabin this weekend with no TV so I’ve got lots of time to fill. My Dad and TenderCD are out “hunting” today — AKA shooting clay targets. My Mom is napping. I relaxed and had some me time in the hot tub for awhile and now I think I might go read for a bit…

  75.  #75Labbit on January 3, 2015 at 9:36 am

    LOL, NYE not NYC. Ahh, iPhone autocorrect.

  76.  #76Liquid Light on January 3, 2015 at 11:34 am

    The good news is that I didn’t have to use the low gas excuse. My date offered to come and pick me up. Phew. looks like we are going to spend the day together going wine tasting. Which is fun because I love wine tasting. Meanwhile Andy is texting me super sweet messages and really wants to see me again. He asked me to come over to his place (arggghhh!!!) on Wednesday after work. His place sounds like it is gorgeous and I really want to see it but not yet! It’s too soon.

  77.  #77Violet on January 3, 2015 at 12:25 pm

    @ 72: Indigo… In regards to being INFP: I feel like I’m about 75% INFP. Being extroverted is the only difference. Being ‘Intuitive’ is a major YES.

    It’s like I know what some people are thinking and will fill in the rest of their sentences if they come across trying to figure out what they want to say.

    I feel perception may be linked to this in some ways because of perceiving their body language correctly. My feelings don’t seem to come in ‘half measures.’ I’m either happy or I’

  78.  #78Indigo on January 3, 2015 at 12:29 pm


    There are actually 16 different personality types, and the test to find out which you are is actually quite involved, so I’d encourage you to take it if you are interested. You might not be INFP at all 🙂

  79.  #79Violet on January 3, 2015 at 12:34 pm

    Continued from 77… I’m either happy or I’m not.

    I continue to venture into having grey areas because doing that is stepping out of a comfort zone of having things be concrete. I want to feel more open to new ideas.

    * I love, love, love what @ 71: Labbit said… definitely words and ideas to chew on, try out, and see what happens.

  80.  #80Violet on January 3, 2015 at 12:36 pm

    @ 78: Indigo: What test are you referring to?

    I feel it may prove to be quite insightful to see where I fit.

  81.  #81Azure Blu on January 3, 2015 at 4:58 pm

    I found this from Rori in the Archives….
    January 2010

    ” YES!!! When you’re working to reverse old patterns…we’re working from both the outside in and the inside out.

    The inside out is the Feeling Messages, the Outside in is the Words – the Speeches.

    You say the correct words, and you FEEL stronger. Also – you feel Triggered – and that starts in motion a whole next bit of work for you…you’re unraveling old defenses and patterns…it feels a little chaotic…and that’s FINE. You make decisions that feel bad, and then you make an adjustment – you “Tweak” – and then next time you feel BETTER.

    That’s how this baby-step thing works…And at a certain point, after a few days of very intense practice – you can feel how you’re coming to a new awareness – I hear it in all of you…That’s why Circular Dating really works – it’s practice…deliberate and on purpose, and with ways to track what’s happening as you go along…so things get BETTER.

    Let’s do this: Stop using the word “struggle.” Just hug yourself when you notice something – look at it as a step TOWARD your happy Ever After – something you will be “Tweaking.”

    We are all “works in progress.” Works of art. Works of pleasure. Of immense value. We each have to find ways to “push the envelope” of our comfort zones in a way that’s physically, emotionally, spiritually “safe” in the very strictest sense – and yet, not PROTECTIVE. Not “Defensive.”

    We are doing Strong Surrender. If we never test our strength by lifting more than we thought we could – we won’t grow stronger.

    If we do more things that allow us to flex our intimacy muscles and be successful and feel good, we’ll grow stronger faster.

    But there’s just going to be those times when we flex and we don’t feel good.

    We have to learn to roll with those. They’re lessons – see them that way – so that our perception of what has happened creates a good-feeling experience for us in at least that way (that we’ve learned something for next time, and so we’ve grown and gotten stronger even if it doesn’t feel good right now…).

    This is how you “tweak.” You can’t tweak something that’s “perfect” – so why bother being “perfect”?

    Embrace the chaos. You will find your true self and your true love in it in a way you cannot now imagine from the vantage point of where you are. Believe in the mystery. Keep tweaking to feel good, not to feel “perfect.”

  82.  #82Mistea1 on January 3, 2015 at 5:31 pm

    Ok sirens,
    I need some personal stories of your successes here. I am having a good time emailing a POF law guy. He uses big words which turn me on. (sorry, I am weird you know.) We’ve been emailing about 3 weeks. He’s disclosed more about himself this last email so I’m trying to figure out when it will be a good time to transition to meeting. I’m in no hurry. However, I think he may be going into a more suggestive area. It’s innocent now with hot tub comments after walking the dog. When do I start talking about “I’m feeling bored with this and would feel better if we talked in person, met?” Or just say “I’m feeling bored with this” and let him figure it out I suppose. Let me know how you handled it. Thanks

  83.  #83Dominique on January 3, 2015 at 5:38 pm

    Mistea1 – You want to meet any CD as soon as possible. Three weeks of emails is plenty long enough.

    Are you really bored though? If yes, then it could be okay to say this, but not necessarily necessary.

    A possible script –

    – Though it feels good/lovely/fun/some other adjective talking to you like this, it would feel so much better to meet and talk in person. What do you think? –

    See what he says. If he doesn’t arrange a meeting rather quickly, then he’s weeded himself out. If he does, then yay!!! More chance to practice, and more free therapy.


  84.  #84Indigo on January 3, 2015 at 7:53 pm


    I used to say “I’m feeling bored/burnt out on emailing” and 9 out of 10 times the guy would pick up the ball and set up a date (Dominique’s script is great too).

    This very early stage is pretty crucial, I found, because that’s when you get to set some basic boundaries for how you like to be treated, eg. phone calls over texts, being picked up over driving etc.

  85.  #85Mandy on January 3, 2015 at 8:47 pm

    Indigo – nice. I just had a friend ditch her guy because she was sick of him not texting her, I have a feeling if it were you, you’d Siren your way out of that too 😉

  86.  #86Victoria on January 3, 2015 at 9:28 pm

    I loved the part where you said you are turned on by big words! Me too. I love big words, and also words that are complex and new to me. I think I had an instant crush on F because he used bigger words than any men I met, and he also knows some words which I don’t know which happens very very rarely to me…
    On the timing to meet in person, I am not experienced on online dating, but I am thinking guys are the ones getting rejected when they offer to meet so he probably just wants to make sure you wont shoot him down.
    Do I understand correctly that you are intrigued by the hot tub hints or is it a turn off?
    I am so excited for you! I have not been on a date with someone new in a looong time. What happened to the attorey – is this guy a new one?

  87.  #87Lovergirl on January 4, 2015 at 12:51 am

    I just recently found this blog after buying and reading a copy of Have the Relationship You Want. I can’t tell you how helpful it has been with my current relationship.

    Without going into ALL the detail, the man I love recently tried to put me into a “just friends” category, after 8 months of having sex. He says he has feelings for me and that he felt bad about “using” me for sex now. (It started off as a casual sex relationship, and we are both seeing other people, though I stopped for quite a while). To complicate things, he has also become my “boss” since I help him with his side business (and get paid for it). Since day 1, he has TREATED me more like we are in a relationship than casual sex. He takes me out all the time and pays, calls and texts me daily and wants to talk for hours on the phone.

    Anyway, I was very hurt, but initially tried to be “understanding”. That didn’t work so well. I felt confused, humiliated and jealous that he was stopping sex with ME, but not others- after confessing to feelings for me. Let me add that he has said I am someone he could see spending his life with, EXCEPT for not wanting to be a stepdad to my children (I have 5 from my previous marriage, and he has none- I do understand that is an overwhelming possibility for most men and it isn’t about them personally, they have never met).

    A few months ago, I got pregnant by him and had a miscarriage. That complicated things even more and he used that as part of his reasoning for stopping sex. His other comment was that sex was making him feel too attached to me and he is afraid of that. He still wanted to hang out all the time, invited me to watch movies together at his place, would take me out to eat and go shopping with me, and said he saw me being his full on “partner” in his business eventually.

    Anyway, I’ve started using “feeling messages” and have been surprised at how well they have “worked”. I realized that I have really been holding so much in, afraid to be vulnerable and admit what I really want from him.

    A couple of times I have gotten upset and we ended up having sex again. Then he would back off and want to see me without that. It was confusing.

    Today, I went over there to do work, with the expectation that we would have sex afterwards. I was shocked that he had made other plans for when we were finished and didn’t intend to, because we’d recently talked about this again. It felt like a slap in the face.

    This time, I expressed my rage. I didn’t lose control but I told him exactly how I was feeling. I walked out on him, saying I had no intention of ever being his platonic buddy and that I am not going to tolerate that. Tonight he called to apologize. I texted after to say thank you for apologizing but that I wanted to make it clear this did not mean I am okay with being his “friend”.

    I then told him that “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” and that I was feeling enraged and indignant, like I have done nothing to deserve this. I said its eating up my insides and starting to bubble up over the surface. I said I was bewildered by all of this because it was coming from a man that I have adored.

    He responded by asking me to come over and have sex with him in the morning. For me right now, that feels like a victory. I didn’t respond to his text, but I probably will do it.

    I know this situation is complicated but in so many ways, I feel like it COULD work out. I have FELT loved by this man all along. HE is the one that originally brought up discussions about the future, but then would say he didn’t think he could do it. He went as far as asking about my finances and what I would need to support my family (he makes more than enough, but he doesn’t think its that much). I know he really wants to settle down but he is intimidated by the fact that I have so many children.

    Anyway, I don’t want to put all my eggs in this basket, because of his trepidation, so I HAVE been continuing to date. Actually, when I was mad and he was wanting to be “friends” it turned into sex with others but they mean nothing to me. I don’t know if things will work out in the long run but I am happy to have this new emotional tool to try out in the new year. Thanks!!

  88.  #88Radlove on January 4, 2015 at 2:39 am

    Mistea1 and Victoria,

    A slight inclination of the cranium is equivalent to an eclipse of the optic to an equine quadruped devoid of visionary capacity! LOL.


    I like Dominique’s approach to end the emails. Another way I heard from Rori is like this…

    I feel a lil confused. I am loving our email exchange, but we haven’t met yet…did you just want to let this go?

    I have found that approach to work well. Right away he responds, and usually he either steps up or he doesn’t.

  89.  #89Sophie on January 4, 2015 at 3:37 am

    I’ve moved ten minutes down the road to a different beach and I feel so good about it. I feel like it as a real mark of self love. Rather than hang around trying to work out what was going on with toxic guy, ‘make him like me’ or suffer bad energies, I moved. And i feel great. It feels way more chilled out – the energy is softer. I have a full intention to get some focused work done.

    I received an offer to move into a city/town nearby and help set up a school for some of the poorest children – accommodation and salary included. I have networked with so many people since I’ve been away but there was something about this project….I can’t feel a ‘no’. I can only feel a ‘yes’. I need to find out more about the compatibilities of our needs and conditions but I shall go and meet then on Sunday I think…we shall see…

    I fully intend to keep moving away from toxic/bad energies and attracting positive, loving energies into my life. I also intend to work on my self worth and sense of deserving so that I prosper financially. It is no fun having more going out than coming in, especially not when I know the work I put out is worth way more than the financial return I receive. Similarly, I want to receive as much as I give.I wish all this for me in 2015. This and the self-love to care for my health (this goes alongside the moving away from toxicity).

    Happy New Year everyone – I wish you beautiful year’s.

    Happy birthday Labbit

    I am ENFJ – that figures 🙂

  90.  #90Labbit on January 4, 2015 at 5:36 am

    Oh Azure Blu, I love what you’ve reposted in 81. Perfect timing.

  91.  #91Labbit on January 4, 2015 at 5:51 am

    I am feeling wonderful this morning but also at odds within myself. I’m feeling confused and excited and turned on and a little chaotic inside.

    I’m feeling at odds with myself over showing TenderCD my authentic self while simultaneously continuing on my journey to change everything in my behaviors that hasn’t worked in the past so I can bring love in. Sometimes doing the masculine-energy thing feels so right to me, so intuitive, but I’m learning that this is often the wrong path to go down…and then I feel tied up in knots inside. Whether it’s leaning forward to close the space or making a suggestion or advising or whatever the urge is, it takes me so much energy to suppress that urge and drop out of my mind and into my body. I’m downright exhausted at the end of the night. It feels like so much work at times to get into my feminine energy. And I feel some grief — grief for the ways that habitually feel ‘easier’ to me even though they weren’t getting the results I wanted in relationship.

    And there are so many layers. Sometimes I can go one round of a discussion and feel SO GOOD about it, about the way I feel and my energy being on me and so on, and then round two comes and I’m stumped again, and the opportunity for emotional intimacy slides by. I wish this felt so much more natural to me, like the Super Sirens I want to be. I get that perfection is an impossible dream, one I don’t really want to get to anyway…I just want to get to the part where this all feels more comfortable and normal.

    I like being exclusive with TenderCD with marriage on the table very much, it’s not that I want to date other men. But this level of intimacy isn’t one I’ve been at in a long time, if ever, and I find myself wishing I had someone else to practice with so I could ‘do it better’ with him. As if I ever could do it better…I know I’m doing fine now…it’s hard not to dig into every moment that feels like a mistake and wish I could have a do-over.

    I feel like I am close to reaching another level. This part before that level is very bumpy.

  92.  #92Azure Blu on January 4, 2015 at 7:19 am

    Ohhh… so exquisite flexing YOUR intimacy muscles…

    “If we do more things that allow us to flex our intimacy muscles
    and be successful and feel good,
    we’ll grow stronger faster.

    But there’s just going to be those times
    when we flex
    and we don’t feel good.”

    “We have to learn to roll with those.
    They’re lessons – see them that way –
    so that our perception of what has happened creates a good-feeling experience for us
    in at least that way
    (that we’ve learned something for next time,
    and so we’ve grown and gotten stronger
    even if it doesn’t feel good right now…).”

  93.  #93Azure Blu on January 4, 2015 at 7:23 am

    Sophie #88
    You stood up for YOU!!!
    and moved AWAY from the toxic (the familiar)
    and into less chaos and MORE positive
    energy for YOU!
    OUT of Your Comfort zone…
    Expanding Your Self LOVE…
    I see You are SHINNING brightly,
    lovely Siren!

  94.  #94Azure Blu on January 4, 2015 at 7:51 am

    Sirens,i am feeling VERY powerful today…
    I have been leaning VERY far back with Spirit…
    Practicing holding my boundaries in a warm, soft, loving way…
    This is so different and wonderful…
    To be soft and kind
    But Staying VERY focused on what I want

    At times I feel I am not being fair to him…
    Since I haven’t shared with him
    That I can’t be with someone
    who is biggoted, and thinks being hom*se*ual
    is wrong, and uses religion as a pulpit for hate.

    But he continues to contact me phone and text and ask me out
    So I continue to hold my boundaries
    share my feelings
    ask for what I want
    and what I don’t want
    and he continues to respond well…
    This is all happening with someone whom I am very close to…
    Who I have great chemistry with (although that is getting less)
    Which has always been VERY difficult for me…

    We Haven’t seen each other in over 2 weeks
    Although he has asked me out many times
    (because I already have plans or they are so last minute…)
    (I asked him to NYE but that fell thru)

    Last night he asked to come over to my house and watch a Playoff game today…
    Me:”I would feel soo happy to have you over and watch the game with you!! But I want to be invited to your house first”
    He tried to ignore what I said… and invite himself again…
    and I said the same thing…
    haven’t heard back…
    I wont be here (I was invited to a friends game party)
    If he does decide to come over anyway…

    On Friday he asked me to dinner and dancing (4 hr before)
    I already had plans (a date)
    Me: If I had known on Thur. I could have made different plans and seen you.
    Him: Sorry, you know me… I’m always last minute…
    Me: You are perfect and wonderful…
    I am spontaneous too. but sometimes it doesn’t work.

    I felt REALLY good about that exchange!!
    it took all the bad boy implications out of it!!!
    The man figures out if what I want
    is something he CAN do…

  95.  #95Indigo on January 4, 2015 at 7:51 am


    Azure Blu is right. They’re just lessons – and lessons are not good or bad, they just are. And they will continue for the rest of your life, so love them, get used to them, have a light touch on them, learn to let them go.

    Remember – if it’s meant to be, you really cannot screw it up.

  96.  #96Indigo on January 4, 2015 at 7:53 am

    Azure Blu,

    YAY you!!!

  97.  #97Azure Blu on January 4, 2015 at 7:58 am

    Thanx darlin Siren!!!

    You and I are starting out 2015
    in a MOST SIREN way!!!
    Yay us!!!

  98.  #98Indigo on January 4, 2015 at 8:08 am

    I am just over a month into my leaning back, and I feel so different. I am feeling all the discomfort of the many emotions which are coming up. Some of the feelings which come up feel good – lightness and freedom and space, just the freedom of being able to breathe from my chest and not feel under any pressure to DO anything when it comes to a man… feels amazing. Just being able to be a leaned back goddess, languishing on my great big comfortable pillow in a giant clam shell (yes, this is the image I have in my mind) and being able to say yes and no to things without a care in the world. That feels good.

    And then there are feelings which don’t feel so good. Discomfort, which comes from undoing old patterns. A sense of urgency which worries about “what’s going on”, ie. the outcome. Some anxiety which comes from wondering if I’ve done something wrong. Anger with myself, and definitely at D, for what I put up with for so long, anger at all my leaning forward and selling myself short. Weirdness from waiting for him to contact me, and thus hearing from him less often than when I used to contact him. This is of course a good thing though. It feels 100 times better for him to contact me than for me to lean forward, which actually feels positively bad.

    Finally, a feeling of valuing myself much more highly. I will be ok whatever happens with D. I will express my feelings authentically from here on out, and I will not tolerate bad feeling situations again. There’s a feeling of loving my life and being in love with myself, and slowly imagining all the things that I want to come true for me. I want all my dreams for myself to come true. I want that for myself. I want wonderful things for me. Yay!

  99.  #99Azure Blu on January 4, 2015 at 8:18 am

    Indigo #97
    Sweet, beautiful YOU!!!

    I feel sooooo HAPPY reading this…
    “There’s a feeling of loving my life
    and being in love with myself,
    and slowly imagining
    all the things that I want to come true for me.
    I want all my dreams for myself to come true.
    I want that for myself.
    I want wonderful things for me. Yay!”

    I DO understand how UNCOMFORTABLE it
    must be to be peeling back
    this new layer of self LOVE…

    The grieving of the loss
    of the old dynamic
    you had with D…

    I know I’m Learning to listen
    about what I WANT…
    and sharing that with people
    lovingly, softly, imperfectly
    OUT of my comfort zone

    The universe/god/ powers that LOVE ME
    are opening another door…
    I’m trying
    to walk through it!!! :-))

  100.  #100Azure Blu on January 4, 2015 at 8:29 am

    Who said this… in this thread or the last one?

    “It’s very important to look for the messages men have for you,
    as it’s discussed in Targeting Mr Right and keep it as the goal:
    find out as much as possible about yourself,
    rather than Mr Right
    When there is nothing more you can learn from a guy
    AND you have a replacement,
    THAT’S when you say your goodbyes.

    A man needs to step up or lose us,
    We need to only accept good treatment
    and situations that feel good,
    It is up to him to lead and to do those things.”

  101.  #101Indigo on January 4, 2015 at 8:54 am

    Azure Blu 98,

    You are so right. It is uncomfortable – I forgot to mention some days it feels like walking through sludge, but if I can sit with it, it does clear and invariably the next day feels much better. I do believe these are old feelings rising to the surface to be cleared away. The good news is that I’m starting to see far more clearly good decisions to make for me in my life. Amazing that leaning back would have that effect! I’ve decided to put in an offer to buy an apartment for myself, and I can envision the things and life that I want clearly 🙂

    Yay to stepping out of the comfort zone for both of us 🙂 x

  102.  #102Dixie on January 4, 2015 at 8:55 am

    Azure… I love reading about how far you’ve come with holding your boundaries, asking for what you want, and knowing what you want too! So inspiring…

    Indigo- what you said about the discomfort about undoing old patterns really, really resonated with me. I used to lean forward quite a bit and although the dynamic was wondeful in so many ways, this leaning back into myself feels sure, strong, and safe in a way that leaning forward never quite did. Waiting does not feel good but being surprised does!

    It feels so good just to put myself first this year – my goals, my dreams, my well-being, my joy- and see who the universe delivers to match that.

  103.  #103Andrea on January 4, 2015 at 9:10 am

    riff: Last night:
    text from Drummer Guy. He lives states away from me. We met once at my work place and had two separate occasions fantastic conversation. He asked for my number and he texts me, I respond, then he calls me and we have great convo. This has been happening since October.

    A text from him last night sends me over the top in sensitive claustrophobia. He texted me. I know he’s expecting a text in response. I’m in bed early. I want to sleep. I’m bored with maintaining a connection with someone who is so far away. The distance is boring to me and I can’t figure out how to overcome it and I keep attracting me who live far away.
    He’s texted me. I know he wants a response. My chest fills constricted. I feel I SHOULD respond. But I don’t want a lengthy conversation right now. I want to sleep.
    I don’t want to explain myself. I want to sleep. I might like to chit chat with at a later date. But also it seems pointless. Useless, wasted energy.
    I feel I should respond with at least a time when it would be better for him to contact me. I just don’t want to though. I’m not mad at him or bitter about the circumstance.
    I look at his text: Hi Andrea, how are you doing tonight?
    I turn my phone off. I turn my back away from it. I think to myself: I’m loving myself tonight.
    I feel a sadness come over me. I was attracted to him. I can’t use my own head, might, resources, thoughts, to turn our long distance tiny ember into a close up flame. I can’t DO anything to make myself happier in this situation.
    I also am not angry about the situation.
    I’m just not excited, turned on, ecstatic, joyful, or feeling liked even when I get a text from a man who is a long distance away.
    I’m reminded of April Rose asking me about my response to the men who texted me on Christmas. This man was one of them. At Christmas I felt some kind of hopefulness. I felt joy rise up in me because he was thinking about me.
    This night I feel blah.
    Still, my chest is thumping. Do I have the right to just not respond? Why so much anxiety over this?

    This morning, still no response forth coming from my heart. I look at the text. It remains unanswered. I don’t want anything out of this unrequited exchange. I’m not “leaning back” in the hopes of a positive outcome. I’m just leaning away with the realization that I don’t want this anymore.

    This cold long distance… this clinging wistful imaginary hope…. this nothing in the disguise of a name on my text page.

    I feel more relaxed today. I wish things were different. I wish I could connect with good, strong, intelligent men who are in my city.


  104.  #104Azure Blu on January 4, 2015 at 10:01 am

    Mmmmm… My darling Siren
    You can’t imagine how happy I feel
    reading your post…
    It makes me happy to watch you choose
    You are better than imaginary
    YOU are better than crumbs

    “You’re raising your vibration each time you keep your boundaries,
    don’t accept less,
    focus on making yourself happy.
    Better men will show up,
    and it’s amazing.”

  105.  #105Azure Blu on January 4, 2015 at 10:03 am

    Andrea #103
    I LOVE this…
    ” I’m not “leaning back”
    in the hopes of a positive outcome.
    I’m just LEANING AWAY
    with the realization
    that I don’t want this anymore.”

    I’m feeling that is what I am doing with Spirit…
    Leaning Away…

  106.  #106Astralgoddess on January 4, 2015 at 10:13 am

    Please can somebody help me?
    I decided to buy myself, quite possibly the best present ever (both the dating and relationship scripts programs) but I fear the damage has already been done with the man I have chosen to invest in and I have no idea of how to turn things around and put what I’ve done into feeling States. It is all a bit of a mess. Please can you tell me if I’m in the right place for some support?

    Love & light

  107.  #107Azure Blu on January 4, 2015 at 10:13 am

    and a wonderful thing I realized..
    When I hold my boundaries,
    in a kind and soft way…
    I am building intimacy
    Practicing intimacy!!!
    Ohhhh… I am getting
    soooo much better at
    this most amazing of alll feelings!!!
    It is wonderful and
    I can feel my chest tighten just writing about it,,
    my skin tingle
    i am feeling overwhelmed
    Azure, darling, I didn’t know this meant
    so much to you…
    Yes, I have yearned for true, emotional
    intimacy for Ohhhh… so long,,,
    I am feeling a battle…
    I must go and sit with this…

  108.  #108Gear on January 4, 2015 at 10:20 am

    Indigo #9, love your post. I will post another comment in the other thread soon, as it is about CDing.

    Labbit #34, congratulations! What a wonderful new year celebrations! And #90, sounds like you are brewing something wonderful, new year, new level. So happy for you.

    Happy New Year Sirens!

  109.  #109Andrea on January 4, 2015 at 10:25 am

    Thank you Azure. mmmmmm I feel validated. I feel… okay. : )

  110.  #110Indigo on January 4, 2015 at 10:31 am

    Andrea 102,

    “I look at his text: Hi Andrea, how are you doing tonight?”

    If I had received this text I would have wanted to throw my phone against the wall until it smashed. Your feelings are so understandable.

    By the way, I have found it very useful for these texts which I don’t feel moved to respond to, yet I also don’t want to ignore them, to take a loooong time to respond. D sent me a text on New Year’s day and I took 3 days before I responded. I just find it a nice way of practicing that I get to choose here – not playing games, just doing what I feel like.

  111.  #111Indigo on January 4, 2015 at 10:34 am

    Gear 106,


    Dixie 101,

    Being surprised feels WAY WAY better than leaning forward 🙂

  112.  #112Gear on January 4, 2015 at 10:48 am

    I was supposed to have a date yesterday bowling at 4pm, then dinner. What a wonderful plan!!! The guy was even texting me morning and night. Morning one flower, night another. Then guess what happened? Friday 6ish he still called and left voice mail. I text back, he text sweet dreams talk to me in the am.

    Then Saturday morning, nothing. He never told me where to meet, he told me the plaza, but we never had firm plans. He said he would let me to find a restaurant, I never said yes. That was his job.

    Until noon Saturday I logged on OKC site, looked up his profile, then saw he was looking up my profile the same time, I had one a second thought of texting him ask for the plans. Then I felt weird, my instinct told me not to, just let it go. Then I googled him, his career is as what he told me real estate agent, but it looked like he sells only 5-9 houses a year in last few years, of those average $100k sales. I was shocked, I couldn’t believe how could he make a living by that!!!
    Boy, now I know for sure that he definitely did not have plans. I let it go, and I felt I did the right thing by listening to my intuition. Whew!

    Another guy whom I talked to on Friday. Ooooo, it was so funny. He wanted to meet next Saturday, I told him I would not go to his part of town (50 minutes drive). He said he would come to meet at my part of town. Read the text below
    Him: It was great talking to you XXXX. I would love to come visit xxxxx (my church name, which I never invited him) sometime and treat u to lunch maybe. Otherwise, I hope we can find a time soon to meet.

    Me: XXXX, it felt good talking with you as well. I am open to the options you proposed. Just let me know.

    Sunday(today, just a couple of hours ago)
    Him: Good morning XXXX. I wanted to make xxxxx(my church name) this morning but I have greeter job at my church. Enjoy ur day.

    Me: No worries, XXXX. I went church last night and got plans for today. It’s not a problem in any case. Enjoy your day.

    🙂 🙂 I can’t help laughing. What a joke in both cases. This later guy boasted high level management, which he is, but what a joke!

    Yep! I have set my rules, once we have our boundaries, it’s so easy to spot out who the person really is. It really saves us a lot of headache and emotional energy!!!

    RR’s tools and mantra rock!!!

    I saw indigo did the similar thing a couple of days ago! Good for you.
    What do you think, sirens?

  113.  #113Mistea1 on January 4, 2015 at 11:15 am

    Dominique, Indigo 83 +,
    Thanks both for the scripts I’m keeping a note of these.

  114.  #114Dominique on January 4, 2015 at 11:27 am

    There’s been so much talk about leaning back lately, I thought this might help.


  115.  #115Mistea1 on January 4, 2015 at 11:29 am

    Victoria 86,
    Thanks for keeping me real! Attorney and law guy are the same. I try to shorten the label.

    Hot tub comment is ok but I would rather talk about these things in person. I don’t want it to turn into email sex or whatever the term is now. Preferably in person at said hot tub and the sybaretic pleasure of it all!
    He is very inquisitive about who I am right now so I will explain in some detail the facts with double entendres. Then if he doesn’t suggest meeting on his own I will use a script. Then I will bail if not forthcoming after that.

    I tell you this preplanning stuff and strategizing is the best fun I’ve had in a while. In addition to the feminine view, the complex language is icing on the cake for me.

  116.  #116Mistea1 on January 4, 2015 at 11:37 am

    Radlove 87
    I liked your script suggestion. I loved your ‘slight inclination…’. great!

    I am thinking of using this script, ‘ Though it feels morally righteous and positively desirable emailing you like this it would feel more skillful, legally valid and greatly advantagous to continue our discussion in person. What do you think? Besides I’d like to see a guy who (..discussion topic.)

  117.  #117Mistea1 on January 4, 2015 at 11:42 am

    Azure Blu 93,
    I’m keeping a copy of this, “You are perfect and wonderful, I’m spontaneous too and sometimes it doesn’t work.” Excellent!

  118.  #118Mistea1 on January 4, 2015 at 11:45 am

    Indigo 97,
    Congrats on the lean back. I was amazed at how much I learned about myself. I also recovered a lot of my self confidence. Lean back is a great balancer. Thanks for the reminder.

  119.  #119Beloved on January 4, 2015 at 11:46 am

    A little help, please? A online guy asked me a few days ago to meet with him tomorrow. He messaged me today to give me a few options of where to go. I felt happy with one of the options, I had never been…and now I asked him to remind me what time we’re supposed to meet (I thought we agreed the other day but can’t remember) and he says, he has the whole day free so it can be whenever I want.
    I feel a little bit of struggling and I feel uncertain about deciding on the time. It feels a little to “in control” and masculine, and at the same time, I feel he wants to accommodate my schedule since his is free.
    He said he will call me later tonight to firm up the details, so I want to have a better idea how to handle it.
    I feel uncomfortable deciding the time, is it best to just say that? It sounds crazy, haha 🙂
    Sirens, any suggestions?

  120.  #120Mistea1 on January 4, 2015 at 11:57 am

    Azure Blu 99, 103, 104,
    Woman, you are on fire today!
    I really like this, “when there is nothing more you can learn from a guy and you have a replacement that’s when you say your goodbyes. Step up to the plate or lose us.” Yes, yes, yes.

    Leaning away, really good. “The realization that I don’t want this anymore. Very well said!”

  121.  #121Liquid Light on January 4, 2015 at 12:00 pm

    I spent the day wine tasting with my date yesterday and it was fun. We tasted some amazing wines but it affected me quickly since I hadn’t eaten much. He took me to get a bite to eat, an appetizer. Then we ended up after a couple hours at another restaurant and had an amazing meal. But he kept mentioning how much things costs which really bugged me. Then at the end of the night, he drives me back and I realize we are heading to his house, not mine. I said I wanted to go home. He drove me home and then said he needed to use the bathroom. Ughh. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with that. Anyway, it ended on a bad note and I don’t want to see him again. Meanwhile Andy texted me some photos from our NYE date and realized how much more fun I had with him. And he is very generous, not a penny pincher at all. I guess I’m warming up to him but still struggling with the age gap…

    I feel like there’s always something though and that no one is ever quite right for me. I reread parts of RR ebook last night and realized that I do this all the time. I’m never happy (except with my ex but he turned out to be a dangerous narcissistic a-hole underneath his charming, fun exterior). Part of me doesn’t trust my ability to pick a good man but there’s part of me that instinctively knows that Andy is a good man. He’s a therapist and is being very flexible, open and supportive with me. Interesting that he would appear in my life right now after I finally feel like I’m over my ex…I hope.

  122.  #122Beloved on January 4, 2015 at 12:10 pm

    “I don’t want this anymore.”
    I just pulled out an old sketchbook and on the last page, is a mandala, surrounded by the words, “If this is what love is to you, I don’t want it.”.

    It seems like such an eternity since I drew that mandala. I remember feeling so terrified to reject the shady emotional affair I was having with a co-worker. I didn’t feel like I had the right to choose, that I was being mean, he was so charming and “nice”, ha.

    Wow, just wow.

  123.  #123Gear on January 4, 2015 at 12:18 pm


    I feel what you feel. It’s never perfect. But the bottom line is, before you make decision of who is who, does he meet your emotional needs? That take time to find out, if you like one date, just go out with him again…until you know he can not meet your CORE needs.

    Your instinct told you Andy is a nice guy, if I were you, I would go out with him. But I would not fall for him, it takes time to see consistently that he meets my needs. In the meantime, I would figure out how to setup the boundaries, there were some moments you didn’t like, did you? How to handle those boundary issues is probably what I would want to figure out next,

    Well, this is from what I experienced last couple of days of me canceling on B.

    I felt the right decision at the time was to told him that I didn’t have romantic feelings. I still feel that I did the right thing because of below reasons,

    1) my no girlfriend speech was not quite heard;(it might have been, but at the time was not well received)
    2) he wanted to kiss me on 3rd date; I felt disgusted; he had expectation after my no bf speech, didn’t slow him down.
    3) on 4th date, he asked me what I did on NYE and NYD, I felt interrogated; I very very disliked that.

    4) after I told him I felt perplexed… He argued that he felt magic, he felt attraction and romance; and he also questioned me what happened between Xmas Eve and now? He said he had thought I was on the same page as him on Xmas Eve,(which was not true, my no bf speech went out the window) and questioned me what had made me changed my mind. I felt pressured.
    I was actually never changed. I was just enjoying the moment.

    So, that’s why I say if you can manage the boundaries well, you feel heard and understood, then Andy would be good for a while until he fails you.

  124.  #124Gear on January 4, 2015 at 12:29 pm

    Beloved 117, 120

    🙂 relax! You mDe me laugh!
    Are you a P personality? The perceiving instead of judging? Is that why it bothers when you have to make a decision? 🙂

    I feel things are going so well with the date. He has been accommodating, you just name a time, like a three hours window?

    Actually this would be an ideal perfect situation for me. I would want my date ask me that. I would say, “this xyz place would feel so awesome.” And “Meeting at 6pm would feel perfect…” Yes, you are saying what you like, but you are not controlling anybody, or anything, does it make sense?

    Trust your boundaries – find your boundaries first, follow your feelings- say what you feel like, you like that resultant, did you? If he let you choose, and you choose, that’s compliant, that’s cooperating, that’s playing as a team, that’s following his lead. Does it make sense?

    Don’t be stressed out, is he someone you really excited about or you normally would be like this always?

  125.  #125Labbit on January 4, 2015 at 1:20 pm

    117 Beloved — In those cases I’ll usually offer two times, something like, “I’m free to meet at 6 PM or 8 PM. What do you think?” I agree it sounds like he’s trying to accommodate you which is a total gentleman move and by giving him a couple of times you’re letting him make the decision and retain the masculine energy. 🙂

    I do that with anything where a CD lets me choose — restaurants, times, days. I offer a couple of options and then leave it up to him.

  126.  #126Dixie on January 4, 2015 at 1:23 pm

    Well, before I let a few gremlin-like feelings gather momentum in my heart, I think I need to stop them in their tracks. I was here working and overcome with waves of calmness but then unease. But that doesn’t matter, does it? I’m letting those gremlins quickly roll right out.

    I’m learning that I like being in a supportive, safe, synergistic, passionate relationship, one that feels grounded in deep love and affection, but also inspires growth and creativity not only in ourselves, but in the people and communities we interact with.

    I know this relationship is coming because a) I’ve asked for it and b) every relationship brings me closer to that feeling of complete satisfaction.

    Until then, I just have to remember that he is on his way, as surely as the laws of gravity, and that my only task really is to release this worry (because it feels like a tiny walnut enclosed in my fist, hidden to everyone else) and instead enjoy the abundance that already surrounds me.

    I realized last week how much not experiencing this relationship in the present has hindered me in so many little ways, as if this would be the icing on the cake. But last week, when D asked about my day, I told him that my day had felt so profoundly good. His response was “Oh Sweetness, i love it so much when you’re in a good space!”

    So there we go Self, just a timely reminder to be happy, recognize abundance in all the signs that the Universe provides, to let go of blocking fears and worries of things not materializing (because they are, I just have to open my eyes to the signs right in front of me) and let things that are already on their way, make their way to me, unencumbered.

  127.  #127Labbit on January 4, 2015 at 1:25 pm

    Azure Blu and Indigo, thank you both for the kind words. I love having this place to come and hash through my weird, out-there feelings that sometimes strike. 🙂 I am feeling much better now…after a most delightful weekend. I’ll have another comment with a question shortly.

    Azure, I’m ecstatic to hear you’re being with Spirit right now, but also this newfound calm and confidence that is coming through for you. It is truly wonderful to discover that we can do less, and say no, and still have a man pursuing us…perhaps even pursuing a bit harder because he feels your standards coming through loud and clear.

    Indigo, I love your vision of leaning back on big comfy pillows in a clamshell! And it’s so fun hearing how things are going for you too…I feel like all of Siren Island has experienced a group lift in vibration over the last month or so and it’s a sight to behold. Not accepting less, not settling, getting what you deserve in a relationship, it IS magical.

  128.  #128Labbit on January 4, 2015 at 1:29 pm

    Andrea 102, I’m with Azure here. SO great that you leaned away and I’m sure that for the next little while it will bring up those old feelings of needing to serve or respond to these men in a way…but every time you feel that try to turn it around on YOU instead. Like, these men should all be worried about entertaining YOU and holding YOUR attention and impression YOU. I like to imagine all of these men sending me their energy, giving me gifts, maybe flowers or something, and then I add a few imaginary men in there who are even better and then I get to choose which man among the many gets to step forth and try to win me. 🙂 It’s much more powerful that way…it’s not so much ‘oh these are the only men coming towards me right now’, it’s ‘LOOK AT ALL THESE OPTIONS I HAVE RIGHT NOW and there’s more to come!’

  129.  #129Labbit on January 4, 2015 at 1:40 pm

    I have to keep this quick but I’m curious to get feedback from other Sirens about this. Last night TenderCD cooked dinner for me and my parents…overall it was an enchanting experience. He and my Dad went to one of the fish catches and bought some fresh trout, which they gutted and filleted back at the cabin. I was seriously impressed with Tender’s filleting skills! I made the side dishes.

    TenderCD was in charge of the kitchen and while we were cooking he put me in charge of a few things…telling him when the timer was about to ding, watching the fish on the stove to make sure it wasn’t overbrowning while he was working on other prep tasks, advising him on lowering or raising the heat on the stove since I’d used it before and he hadn’t. While I was doing all this, I felt very masculine even though he’d asked me to help.

    But you know, even while I’m writing this…I’m realizing how well we worked together as a team, and how good it felt to have him place his trust in me to help out like that. I was going to ask whether I was tipping too far forward into the lead by doing all those tasks…but they were all at his request, and maybe we were just working in partnership and I need to just relax, LOL. It all felt a little weird to me while it was happening but I didn’t dislike it…I felt myself internally wondering a couple of times if I was leading or still following.

    I think I just ran into so many triggers this weekend, and yet TenderCD and I got even closer, so it’s all OK. Even now we’re getting ready to go to dinner for one last date before saying goodnight. I guess…things are really good in this moment, and I just need to let them be good and not try to find something to pick apart and analyze!! I am the Yummy Pie. 🙂 I’m going to go be the Yummy Pie now…

  130.  #130Liquid Light on January 4, 2015 at 2:05 pm

    Labbit, what you are describing sounds fantastic. It just seems like your relationship w Tender keeps growing deeper and deeper. Love that you are sharing your experience here. It is so inspiring!

  131.  #131Liquid Light on January 4, 2015 at 2:19 pm

    Lots of fears and triggers coming up for me. I go back to work tomorrow and am feeling stressed and anxious about it. I’ve been off for two weeks and the thought of going back to such an intense and demanding work environment is really making me anxious. I feel like my life is about to be hit by a tsunami again. Meanwhile, I’ve had these very intense experiences with two men in the last week. Mostly its Andy though that feels the most triggering. There is a strong pull for me to run away. This is not atypical for me at all. I could so easily focus on the things that I don’t like about him and reject him. IN fact, that’s what I’m naturally inclined to do. He texted me the photos from NYE when I was on my date with Cab yesterday. I didn’t get back to him until today and as soon as I did, he called me immediately. I didn’t answer. It felt overwhelming especially after my date yesterday. I hardly slept last night and was really hung over this AM. I didn’t want to have to explain myself to Andy. Anyway, he’s mostly been pretty good about backing off when I’ve told him that i want to take it slow, that I’m not ready to see him again right away. But it also feels like I’m trying to hold back a stallion that just keeps coming at me. I don’t like feeling pressured and my inclination is to relieve the pressure and push the man away. Its a tough one and I’m really fighting my natural inclination with him since he seems like he’s got so much to offer – he’s smart, successful, supportive, fun, multi-talented (ha, he’s like my father in a lot of ways) – but of course my tendency is to focus on the negative: the age difference, his table manners, the pressure I’m feeling from him. Ughh. I’m not sure if my fears are valid or if I should try to push them.

  132.  #132April Rose on January 4, 2015 at 2:42 pm


    I’m sure I have heard Rori or another coach call it ‘being second in command’ or his ‘vice-captain’ and as such is a good and feminine role.
    I find it feels good to take instructions from a man, seeing as he would have to be pretty special in order for me to surrender to his authority in that way. Quite a turn-on in fact!

  133.  #133April Rose on January 4, 2015 at 2:48 pm

    I have woken up with feelings of terror and dread for the last two days. New Year also was a time of fear, loneliness and bewilderment.

    The urge to lean forward and reach out has been extreme. Instead I have been ‘leaning away’ (nice phrase, thank you Andrea) and feel so delighted with myself that I can hold myself in those darkest times.

    I realise that these scary feelings are most likely withdrawal symptoms.
    I am cold-turkeying from toxicity.

  134.  #134Liquid Light on January 4, 2015 at 2:56 pm

    I’m going to try to sit with the fears and feelings of discomfort. I’m going to try to not get ahead of myself with Paul. I think that’s partly where the pressure and feelings of fear are coming from. Projecting into the future and feeling his expectations, feeling like I’m going to let him down and disappoint. But maybe I’m jumping to conclusions a bit. I will try to be in the moment and just see how it goes. Big breath in, big breath out…take it one step at a time, LL. I don’t know why this is so hard…I guess I just want to jump into the known – that its meant to be or not – I’m not very comfortable in this gray area at all.

  135.  #135April Rose on January 4, 2015 at 3:49 pm

    Listening to an interview with John Gray

    “…When a man is unavailable it can trigger sexual feelings in a woman, whereas when he is available it doesn’t necessarily trigger sexual feelings. This isn’t always the case, but if it’s been your history that you get turned onto a man and then you find that he’s really not available for a relationship with you, or he’s always the wrong guy, it can be an indication of unresolved issues with Daddy (or other male figure), where a part of you is seeking to find completeness by winning over the love of someone who wasn’t available to you.

    And that can create a sense of “I have to do something/be something different to get love”. As opposed to finding a man who wants to do something/be something different to win your love. That’s very healthy in men. That’s what pulls men out of themselves to become better.
    From this perspective it’s a man wanting to provide for a woman which gives him meaning in life, gives him purpose in life, motivates him to be a better person, and to succeed in providing a greater level of happiness for her.
    That’s a healthy thing for men, not a healthy thing for women.

    A woman’s primary motive in a relationship is to find somebody who makes her feel safe to be herself – someone who provides a self-motivated form of support to provide safety and happiness for her. That should be the best motive for a man. And for a woman it is seeking out the man who is willing to do that for you, not finding a man that you have to do that for.”

  136.  #136Dixie on January 4, 2015 at 4:25 pm

    April Rose!
    130 – I love the term “vice captain!” Although my younger self might have balked at that, preferring “co-captain”, I now feel differently. In the “relationship bubble” it just feels so good to be with a man who I trust enough to allow him to lead.

    131 – I understand those withdrawal feelings. They feel so needy, and scary to me, but that’s when I come here. As soon as leaning forward feels desperate, unnatural, and coercive (despite my pretending to myself that it’s not!) I lean way back into myself and direct that energy somewhere. Even cleaning bathroom tiles. It’s amazing how folding laundry can calm me down, lol. My concierge and the building staff in my condo all got loads of baked treats this year when I needed to really lean back over the holidays!

    133 – and thank you so much for posting this quotation from John Gray. It just reminded me of how far I’ve come, and the type of man whose headed my way, and yours 🙂

  137.  #137April Rose on January 4, 2015 at 4:34 pm

    Thank you Dixie!
    I feel delighted reading your responses to me.
    I will take a leaf from your book and do some productive cleaning/baking. At the moment what I do is sit or lie very still and really feel the panic until I pass through it.

  138.  #138IamHis on January 4, 2015 at 4:52 pm

    @58 ((((((Andrea)))))) – I feel so heard, not alone in my thinking, & your vulnerable honesty feels so good to read! 🙂

  139.  #139IamHis on January 4, 2015 at 5:15 pm

    I feel weird about this. An acquaintance who I occasionally see said he wanted to take me out, but took no real action to make it happen. (Getting my number, suggesting a day, place, or time, etc.) I tried to keep my heart open to him. I think I did ok. I didn’t see him again for a couple of weeks. Today he walks up to me, takes my hand, looks deep into my eyes and starts rubbing my hand and asks me why I’m not married. I felt turned on, offended, & guarded. Angry.

    I simply said, “When a godly man pursues me, then I will be married.”

    Needless to say, he dropped my hand and walked away.

  140.  #140Beloved on January 4, 2015 at 5:25 pm

    April Rose – I have also discovered that some of that attraction to an unavailable person is due to unresolved feelings related to mother. Funny, isn’t it? When I finally went NC with T over a year ago, something melted inside of me and I could see what I couldn’t see before. That man was so much like my mother it was eerie. I found that fascinating!

    Gear and Labbit – thank you! That helps so much. Labbit, that’s too funny, when I worked in sales that’s how I would book appointments with people…and I could have used that for this date tonight. I will know next time.

    Gear – yes, I’m perceiving, ha! The issue for me, though, is I have totally and completely overfunctioned in the past to the extent I became so ill and depleted I was like a baby and lived on friend’s couch for 6 months, barely able to to anything. I feel interested in learning and practicing a healthy balance, how to dance the dance 🙂 I’ve been burned so badly by rowing the boat I feel skittish of EVER picking up the oars. I trust this will balance out in time. The 3 major men in my life in the last decade have pretty much cured me of ever wanting a difficult or toxic man ever again!!

    Tonight’s date…was fairly lovely until he dropped me off. Dang him. Grr! (playful growling).
    All perfectly gentlemanly, a lovely steak dinner.
    I felt softer and more at ease. I had just been thinking, I kind of miss being “in” to sports, and when he brought up sports I kind of brushed past my initial reaction to not talk about it because I don’t know anything about it and asked, which lead to some interesting conversation. We saw a movie which was funnier than I expected, and snuggled and held hands in the movie. Oh, wait, I just remembered, the descent started there, at the end of the movie. He stayed after and started pulling me close and tried to make out with me. I pulled back, and we left.

    So he drops me off and starts talking about our next date, then says, after the 3rd date you can start coming to my house. Ick. I told him, I don’t feel comfortable with that.
    So he goes for a kiss. and slips me the tongue. I felt like I needed to pull away and I did. I told him…I don’t know you! I feel like I need to pull away and hang back, this feels rushed and like it’s moving too fast for me.
    So he seemed to understand, then kissed me again, and did it AGAIN. I felt like I just needed to go, if I waited for him to open my car door I was probably going to be waiting a while, which I didn’t want.

    Good practice, though.
    I feel kind of weird, and it’s so difficult to fathom HOW I used to just sleep with men right off the bat. I remember alcohol was involved, though, and I don’t drink anymore. M was suggesting drinks at dinner and I declined, I didn’t want my judgment impaired, it’s so important to me now.

    Dangit I feel bummed! I was feeling pretty melty and soft and that funky kiss is the feeling I got left with. Time to pamper myself.

    Thanks again for the help, I see M2 called so I’m going to check in with him, hooray!

  141.  #141Liquid Light on January 4, 2015 at 6:59 pm


    I’m not sure if this is helpful to you or not but this (re)-post is from Labbit and its helped me to lighten up about sex and getting physical with a man. Its still a trigger but if I keep in mind that, as Labbit suggests, its just their MO then I don’t take it as personally if that makes sense?

    112 Liquid Light – Hee. Well even if he did there’s no shame in that. When they first meet us men want to get us into bed as soon as possible, it’s primal for them. We’re thinking clearly and they’re not. After sex that tends to flip. When I was actively CD’ing and meeting tons of men, I like to play a little game where I mentally added “in bed” to everything a man would say to me.

    “I’d like to get you know better.” “…in bed.”
    “I’d like to see you again.” “…in bed.”
    “You are so hot.” “…in bed.”
    “Maybe I could take you out for a drink sometime?” “…in bed.”

    And so on. It was hilarious and helped me keep my sense of humor throughout the process. I’m not going to get upset at a man who wants to take me to bed. OF COURSE he wants to take me to bed. I’m just not going to let him do that until I’m quite confident he deserves the pleasure of my intimate company. And the application process is fierce!

  142.  #142Beloved on January 4, 2015 at 7:20 pm

    Liquid Light – thank you..and yes, I feel, of course! he wants to take me to bed. It’s the ick of feeling forced that I don’t like. The first date, when I first walked up to him for the first time, he kissed me as soon as I got close to him. Sad for him, because I wasn’t expecting it and it landed on my chin, lol. That, and all of the little suggestions about coming over to cuddle, to watch movies, the going-to-far for my taste in the movie theater…I don’t know, it just makes me feel like pulling away. The kissing was like…directly-to-tongue, no playing up to it. I don’t know…just something about the vibe of it.

    There were other things I did like, AND, he didn’t book me for the next date so it’s kind of moot at this point.

    I’m solid with M tomorrow, and the phone conversation tonight was WAY better than our first. I was laughing and laughing and feel a lot better about meeting him than I did. I feel content and happy, it was the perfect antidote to that previous icky feeling 🙂

  143.  #143Gear on January 4, 2015 at 7:28 pm

    Labbit 127,

    I feel so happy for you. It’s very obvious, you have already had answer to your own question. Not that’s not leaning forward. What I would pay attention if it were myself though, as I tend to make that type of mistakes if I were in a hurry.
    I would say, “sweetheart, the griller/temperature is a little too hot/high now.” Or “O, the dinger is almost ring.” Some affection would help, like touch his back, hug him from the back… Instead of say, “Oh, you need to turn down the heat.” Or “you should take that off the stove.”
    Basically just like feeling messages, not to use “You”. So it would sound like command or instruction. But again, we probably do that all the time.

    Well, sounds like things going pretty well between you and tenderCD. Even reading your post, it feels so sweet… You are practicing great partnership. Yay!

  144.  #144Gear on January 4, 2015 at 8:11 pm

    All of a sudden, I have this rage. I feel so angry. C was here for party on Jan 1, (I had a post about C on 151 in this thread

    When I called him later the night, first thing he said was “I am happy!” He really enjoyed the party at my house. Then he said his guy friend michael’s girlfriend, J who came with Michael was very good friend, that I should be friend with her.

    I kind of agree,b/c, she did seem a good girl to be friends with. Then Friday I text him asked for her email so I can send the pics of the girls to her. He ignored for 40 hours. This morning I text him while he was at his class at church, where he should be with Michael together. I text him asked him for J’s email again. He text, “as soon as I get to my PC.” It felt weird, as he has a smart phone, who relies on PC now?

    Until 30 minutes ago, he text me another girl’s email, whom I had already had. I felt angry by this time. I text him, I was after J’s email. He text he didn’t have hers. I felt anguish, I text him, “I text you during your class, so you could ask Michael while you both were there, but you said, it’s in your PC.”

    To that he text “U right, will check.” Then no response.

    I seriously think he has integrity issue, this is not the first time his words don’t match.

    I text again after 15 minutes, “have you found it?” He text, “I will get you tomorrow. I text Michael, he didn’t answer.”

    What a hoax! I just feel nowadays people’s integrity character are so low. It felt weird, I feel angry about it.

    Can any sirens tell me what has triggered me? What message I can learn?

    I feel so relieved that I am not dating him. There were three times in last couple of months that I had to pin him down, (when he blamed me on something, I had to remind him of what he said.) then he took action finally. I don’t know if that’s from his Latin culture or part of his character. I just feel relieved that I am not in relationship with this kind of man. Mind you he has very charming personality, and very inspiring.

    Would like to hear your perspective.

  145.  #145Indigo on January 5, 2015 at 12:07 am

    Liquid Light 129,

    “But it also feels like I’m trying to hold back a stallion that just keeps coming at me. I don’t like feeling pressured and my inclination is to relieve the pressure and push the man away.”

    This is how I’ve felt in pretty much every relationship since I started CDing about 3 years ago. I’m not going to claim to have the answer for you, because in my case I realize I plain and simple don’t want that. It is far too accosting and overwhelming for my sensitive and introverted nature. Holding back that feeling of pressure is pretty much the worst feeling in the world for me. But you are from everything I’ve read a very different person from you. I believe you can handle this. I don’t think the answer is to stuff or invalidate your fears. I think it is to feel them and embrace them, but not let them run the show, but rather to let them help you communicate to this man what you would and would not feel comfortable with. You strike me as being very bold, so why not use this boldness to communicate clearly to Andy what you do and don’t want from him? You might find it a very empowering experience.

  146.  #146Indigo on January 5, 2015 at 12:08 am

    * very different person from me

  147.  #147Indigo on January 5, 2015 at 12:15 am

    April Rose,

    I love this excerpt from John Gray! Thank you! It makes things so clear.

    That feeling waking up with terror and dread is something I’m familiar with. It has happened on a couple of occasions during this (more than a month) of leaning back. It is that feeling of leaving the familiar, and you don’t know what the outcome will be. A part of you just wants to rush back to the safety of the known. But you won’t 🙂 If it’s any comfort, that feeling does lift and fade, and the fear gives way to excitement.

  148.  #148Indigo on January 5, 2015 at 12:28 am


    I have to just share that since leaning back, when D contacts me he is far more interested in what’s going on with me and in what I have to say than he ever was before. Whereas before, if I contacted him for example and asked about him, I’d get barely there one word type answers, now that I don’t contact him and am not gushing or overly expressive or asking about him, he now asks me lots of questions about myself – how I’m doing, what is happening with various things in my life, and expressing real curiosity and interest, rushing to wish me for my birthday, Christmas and New Year. So interesting. It’s great to lean back and feel like I don’t have to do anything, I can just observe, receive and express my feelings, that’s it.

  149.  #149Labbit on January 5, 2015 at 5:21 am

    Liquid Light, thanks! I am feeling inspired this morning too. To your post 129, I have found that telling men what I don’t want works a lot better than telling them what I do want. I remember reading this in Rori’s e-book and several other sources and being puzzled by it…but now it makes more sense to me. Men do what they want and they don’t want to be told what to do. So when you tell him you want to take it slow if that doesn’t meet with his agenda it might fall on deaf ears.

    What if instead you try something like, “I don’t want to rush into anything. I feel pressured when a man contacts me more than once a day early on.” You can add What do you think? to that if you like. It’s our job as the women to set the pace so you’re both falling into your natural roles here. If he still doesn’t get the message, I’d stretch out my response times considerably. Wait a few hours before responding, even if he tries contacting me more than one way. (I.E. texts, then phones, maybe even more than once etc.) But yeah early on too much contact is a huge turnoff to me too…I want to know a man has a life and isn’t centering it on me too early on, same as he expects from me.

  150.  #150Labbit on January 5, 2015 at 5:24 am

    130 April Rose — Yes, yes, right on! I know I’ve said in the past I want to be Vice President to his President, how perfect that you bring this up. I agree it takes quite a man to help me feel comfortable in surrendering too. Thank you Siren!!

    I’m intrigued by the John Gray quotes you posted…I tend to have sexual fantasies about nearly every man I’ve dated, often very early on. TenderCD included. I have been someone to draw in unavailable men in the past…interesting.

  151.  #151Labbit on January 5, 2015 at 5:31 am

    137 IAmHis — I feel very triggered by this type of question, why aren’t you married or how are you still single, etc. as well. I usually answer something along the lines of “I wouldn’t trade any moment of my life for even a second in a miserable marriage. It feels good to wait.” or “I don’t feel pressure to get married just to be married.”

  152.  #152Labbit on January 5, 2015 at 5:36 am

    138 Beloved — Haha yeah I’m pretty sure sales is where that script comes from, too. It’s worked very nicely for me. 🙂

    140 Gear — thank you!!

    145 Indigo — Every post of yours right now is a solace to me, a reminder that leaning back is the right way to go. Although my nerves are unsteady at the moment I’m loving every bit of news from you and how this new way of being is working out. Your Sirenyness comes through loud and clear! I’m highly entertained by how D is slowly turning around too. He’s clearly very intrigued.

  153.  #153Victoria on January 5, 2015 at 6:00 am

    Oh Labbit?
    Why are your nerved unsteady?
    You are doing so great, you are a true inspiration! You are wise and so kind, and I suspect your man is head over heels in love with you!

  154.  #154Labbit on January 5, 2015 at 6:39 am

    Victoria — I don’t really even know…I suppose that as I enter each new level of intimacy, of leaning back and trusting, there’s so much excitement about what could come next but because I don’t have the ‘known’ of the results my old behaviors got it’s also somewhat scary for me. (Those old behaviors got me conflict and breakups btw, so I’m not ever going back there.)

    I have very old abandonment fears and they keep coming back to eat at me. While I feel much less needy than I have in the past, I still have a nagging gremlin trying desperately to convince me that I have to catch TenderCD in my cage or he’s going to leave me. It’s coming from my brain and not my heart — I see that so I can soothe myself. It takes a lot of concentration and willpower to keep turning away from this desperation urge and keep bringing myself back to being the Prize Catch, the Siren I know I am. The difference now versus the past is I know this abandonment fear is just an echo of something that once happened to me…it doesn’t have anything to do with what’s actually happening in my life right now. That makes it a little easier to deal with.

    Every time TenderCD and I have a super intimate moment, we both pull away from each other a bit afterwards. I know this is natural…the flow of things…and yet I can’t help but feel this urgent pang inside when it happens. I want to fall back into my old behaviors that didn’t work because they are like comfort to me, even though they bring no comfort at all in their results.

    I am still learning how to lean back and hold the space so that he snaps back to me quickly like a rubber band. Still learning how to keep myself out of business, his thoughts, his desires, and focus on me and what I want, how I feel, taking care of myself. I desperately want to lean forward and grab him and wrap myself around him, LOL. I worry I think about him too much, fantasize too much, push him away energetically.

    And yet even with all of this I feel GREAT. When he’s with me, when he’s not with me. If I listen to my heart there is no fear there. I don’t worry about whether he loves me or not…I know he does and I don’t need him to tell me that to know. Though luckily he does say it, and his eyes get so blue and his pupils so big when he does, he might swallow me whole into his eyes and I’d swim around in there like a happy fish.

    This is something inside of me I need to soothe. I am doing my best, and I love that I can share my journey here without being judged for it and get support and help. 🙂

  155.  #155Victoria on January 5, 2015 at 7:11 am

    I could have written what you wrote myself…
    Except that I keep askinng myself, why does he need to pull back after a moment of intimacy?
    I don’t need to, or at least I do not recognize it in me as wanting to pull back…
    Isn’t it so that with the right man he will not need to pull back at all…

  156.  #156Tatia Dee on January 5, 2015 at 7:12 am

    Hi Dominique


    What an AWESOME post!

    I love how you get deeply into leaning back.

    The approach of what leaning back “Is Not” is really a helpful reminder.

    I felt so soothed.

    Absolutely beautiful!

    Love you,


  157.  #157Mistea1 on January 5, 2015 at 7:16 am

    Labbit 151,

    Yes old abandonment fears come back to eat at me too. I’ve done a lot of work on this. Yet, my deep feelings 11 days after the talk and now absense tells me there is a lot more to do. I found the John Gray information very helpful. Who was it said we should be thankful for the free therapy?

    I appreciate your candid discussion of this topic.

  158.  #158Tatia Dee on January 5, 2015 at 7:16 am

    Hi Radlove (Brenda)
    Happy New Year Siren!
    I loved Your New Year story #69!



  159.  #159Labbit on January 5, 2015 at 7:31 am

    152 Victoria my understanding is that before marriage, it’s normal for a man to pull away after a really intimate moment because he needs space to feel his feelings, dig deeper and see what his gut tells him. Does he want to keep going? Or does he want to pull away further? Once he’s made the decision that I am the one, and we are married, then he won’t pull away. If I’m wrong about this could another Siren chime in?

    154 Mistea1 — 🙂

  160.  #160Linda on January 5, 2015 at 7:34 am

    From #133 A woman’s primary motive in a relationship is to find somebody who makes her feel safe to be herself – someone who provides a self-motivated form of support to provide safety and happiness for her.

    Ahhh. This is on target for me. I can not say that it feels my primary motive totally but.. it is indeed VERY Important for me. You cant live your life on guard, concerned about the next “sniper attack” from your man. It is a terrible way to live. When I feel ready and start to date again (I dont know when that will be)
    If that kind of stuff comes up. I will be heading for the hills! no second thoughts about it.

    I remember going to bed one nite at P’s after I thought was an absolutely grand day, relaxed and dozing off… only to suddenly have him throw a piece of paper with an email address (of a old male co-worker that he had gotten while snooping thru old e-mails on my computer.) Demanding to know who he was. Yeah… emotionally safe place right!

    The more time I am spending in this place of caring for myself and the peace and happiness I feel… the starker the contrast of before an now. Healing is coming like gentle waves lapping in on the shore washing over me.

    A feeling of wellness is deepening. I feel centered and focused and calm.

    Yes emotionaly a safe place is imperiative for me.


  161.  #161Dominique on January 5, 2015 at 7:49 am

    Labbit – 127 – Nope, I don’t see any leaning forward at all from you from what you say. He asked, and you did. It sounds as though there was a lovely flow between you. 🙂


  162.  #162Victoria on January 5, 2015 at 8:10 am

    156 Labbit,
    I honestly don’t see how marriage would change his need to pull away…
    I read John Gray’s explanation in his book Mars and Venus in conflict (or someting like this) that basically the man runs out of testosterone after a while and he needs to lean back to replenish his testosterone, whereas women work on another set of hormones and they do not need to full back. Not having much testosterone myself, I can’t figure whether it is true…

  163.  #163Indigo on January 5, 2015 at 8:39 am

    Victoria 152 & 159,

    I dunno. When I was married, to a really wonderful, supportive, loving man who absolutely adored me and was very expressive with his love, even he had moments of “pull back”. I think it is what is commonly referred to as “cave time”. Invariably, he would just want to go for a run, or absorb himself in his work, or a book, or a computer game, or have a drink with a colleague or whatever, for a while. He never made me feel like I was intruding if I went and looked for him during these times, but he made it clear that he needed them. I can’t speak for why he needed them, or what was going on for him in his mind or his feelings, and I suppose it doesn’t matter. I certainly have times when I need to just pull back in a relationship – to decompress, to gather my thoughts, to daydream or just to have some “me time”, and it has nothing at all to do with how much I love my partner. I still experienced the need for those times when I was with D, and I loved him more than life itself.

    I know that, in retrospect, I have always always wished I had just “gone with it” when a man needed to pull back, and I have always appreciated it when a man has just gone with it when I needed a little alone time. I think the question is how does it make you feel overall? Does it feel bad? Does it feel like neglect? Is it bad treatment? If so, then it may be time for a feeling message and re-thinking this man. If not, maybe there is a message in here somewhere for you?

  164.  #164Labbit on January 5, 2015 at 8:42 am

    158 Dominique — Ahhhh, feels so good. Thank you for the reassurance…helps me build up my own inner tree trunk a little stronger. xoxo

    159 Victoria — Marriage changes things because everything before that is a date. Like even now, TenderCD and I are exclusive and marriage is on the table, but everything is still just a date! We have no final commitment to each other you know? So before marriage it’s a constant state of evaluation for both me and him, we just tend to get emotionally invested sooner as women. 🙂

    Once he’s CHOSEN you and said yes you are the one I want to be with forever, there’s no need for him to pull back and think things over or mull them through or feel around in his gut anymore. He just knows. Just like we have the power and choice at any time to walk away if the relationship no longer feels good to us. Unless a marriage goes way downhill, and even then most men do everything they can to stay, once a man is married he’s made his choice. No more pulling back. That’s how I’ve understood it at least.

  165.  #165Labbit on January 5, 2015 at 8:43 am

    160 Indigo — Ahhhh OK, yes that makes sense to me. Opening my eyes a bit…thank you!

  166.  #166Indigo on January 5, 2015 at 8:55 am

    Labbit – 🙂

    I’m no expert, but I think it also helps to remember that we are all different. If you are with an introverted man (and research suggests that between a third and a half of the population are introverts) they are always going to need alone time or decompression time sometimes and it may feel like a pull back.

    I dunno, it’s hard for me to relate to you and Victoria being concerned about the occasional pull-back because for me it is such a natural state of life, that small pullbacks really don’t concern me much if at all. I really think it’s how you feel in the relationship overall. My two cents 🙂

  167.  #167Victoria on January 5, 2015 at 8:57 am

    Thanks a lot. Yes, there is a message for me. The message is that I need to ask my best female friend to get rid of her husband so that me and her can get to happily ever after.
    Seriously though I do not need time away when I am in love. That is why I find it so hard to understand. I also think Labbit is in for a big disappointment expecting the pull away to disappear after marriage, but I really hope to be wrong, for her sake but also mine!

  168.  #168Indigo on January 5, 2015 at 9:05 am



    More on this topic, and I was thinking specifically about your post 151 here Labbit, have any of you sirens tried guided meditations? Specifically, ones about attracting love into you life? I did one this afternoon, and I found it worked very similarly to the Waterwheel tool – imagining love radiating out of you and coming towards you.

    It actually put me into a deep state of relaxation and was amazing for opening up my heart. I felt really connected to the part of myself which is beyond abandonment and rejection fears. If anyone is interested I can post the link.

  169.  #169Labbit on January 5, 2015 at 9:06 am

    163 Indigo — Yes it’s true I tend to be more extroverted, but I can relate to what you’re saying because even I need time alone sometimes to do all the things you’ve mentioned. My recovery time is short though.

    164 Victoria — LOL. Truth! –> ” I also think Labbit is in for a big disappointment expecting the pull away to disappear after marriage…” Oh well. Reality bites sometimes. 😉

  170.  #170Femininewoman on January 5, 2015 at 9:27 am

    Indigo I am definitely interested and would love if you could post the link. I have tried it on and off and am now a lot more calm and relaxed in general.

  171.  #171Femininewoman on January 5, 2015 at 9:35 am

    This is from Leigha. Thanks Leigha.

    Bring him back this way…

    “When you learn how to anchor yourself in self – love, you’ll see your masculine man moving towards you again. There’s a magnetic pull on a man that makes him want to get as close as possible when a woman loves herself more than any man.

    If you don’t learn how to anchor yourself in self – love and learn how to love yourself more than any man, you’ll find yourself feeling anxious, insecure, constantly chasing a man and losing yourself completely.

    Imagine right now – the anchor on the Titanic. It’s a gorgeous, beautiful, magnificent anchor. It’s only job is to keep the boat in place. This is your job in the relationship also – to anchor in and not let your emotions and what your man is doing or not doing – create turbulent storms and take you out to sea. How does that feel?

    Men and relationships can recover quickly when we stop doing what doesn’t work.

    Have you ever noticed when an anchor is engaged it’s always leaning back? Now imagine the water around you has a soft, warm, cozy, loving blanket. How does that feel?

    Leaning back (Rori Raye Term), just like the anchor in the picture, IS self – loving. It’s a sign to your man that you trust him to step up to the plate and be the man you know he can be. Trusting your man inspires him to want to step up, yet you’re not trusting him more than yourself.

    It feels counter intuitive at first and we feel scared he’ll think we don’t care or we don’t love him anymore.

    Leaning back puts you in the exact position to receive all he has to give. It gives you the opportunity to see if he CAN give you the relationship you want. It gives him the space to build and feel attraction for YOU.

    Leaning back (self – love) shows your man that you’re a woman who doesn’t need to chase a man, give to get, need to make something happen or control the relationship.”

  172.  #172Radlove on January 5, 2015 at 9:35 am


    RE: #114 – You wrote, “I liked your script suggestion. I loved your ‘slight inclination…’. great!”

    Haha, glad you liked it! In plain language, it means, “A nod is the same as a wink to a blind horse.” It is nonsense that makes the point that sometimes simple language is more powerful than complex language (altho I, like you, enjoy big words a lot, too! 🙂 ) Which leads me to the rest of your post….

    You also wrote, “I am thinking of using this script, ‘ Though it feels morally righteous and positively desirable emailing you like this it would feel more skillful, legally valid and greatly advantagous to continue our discussion in person. What do you think? Besides I’d like to see a guy who (..discussion topic.)”

    If the man is really, really intellectual, he might like this and find it cute. I myself would steer away from anything too complex and witty early on. I think it is more powerful to speak simply from your heart. Maybe something like this…

    “Though it feels enjoyable emailing you like this, it would feel more exciting to continue our discussion in person. What do you think? Besides I’d like to see a guy who (..discussion topic.)”

  173.  #173Radlove on January 5, 2015 at 9:36 am


    RE: #155 – Thank you! I would like to develop it more. I found myself really uncomfortable and ill-at-ease with being so upbeat and happy. I want to heal this sadness in me completely!

  174.  #174Radlove on January 5, 2015 at 9:39 am


    #156 – Yup, that’s right! Rori calls it the Rubberband Man. If we are aware that it’s a man’s tendency to withdraw, we can more easily hold space for him and stay on our bridge rather than freaking out when he goes silent. It took me so many times before I could relax in that! Now my friend R is spending increasingly less time in his man cave, feeling more safe to be deeply honest with me.

  175.  #175Radlove on January 5, 2015 at 9:41 am


    Hi there! Nice to see you here still! How I miss this unique place! Happy New Year!

  176.  #176Labbit on January 5, 2015 at 10:21 am

    Indigo yes I’d love the link!

    FeminineWoman it is so awesome that you posted that passage from Leigha Lake — I got the email from her about being an anchor this morning, and am also on exactly that page in her book. 🙂 What a fantastic message this is, it feels so strong to have this idea floating around me right now. It’s written a little differently in the book with more depth about the tool but has the same great effect.

    I particularly like this part:
    “It doesn’t matter how much we give to a man or make it easy for him — he won’t fall in love. He can’t fall in love with a woman just because she’s fun, smart and sexy.

    He falls in love with who we are and our ability to anchor in love and ourselves. To stick to our boundaries, to say no to what we don’t want and to be able to walk away if we’re not being loved, cherished and adored.”

    It gets better from there. I highly recommend her book!! I’m getting such great insights and feelings from it.

    171 Radlove — Yes, totally! I have learned slowly not to freak out, the writings on it didn’t make sense to me until AFTER I’d figured it out myself. I find this happens sometimes…still, there is so much more self-love now that I get this.

  177.  #177Indigo on January 5, 2015 at 10:38 am

    Feminine Woman & Labbit,

    I LOVE Leigha!

    Here is the link to the guided meditation:

  178.  #178a woman on January 5, 2015 at 11:01 am

    Rori, this is exactly what I needed! AMAZING POST!!! even when I am only imagining and making thoughts about what I’m going to write in my letter, I can feel my vibe shifting already! I feel blissful already after feeling down because of a man. No no- no matter what I’ll be OK and more than just OK, no matter what I’ll be fantastic!!

    Love x

  179.  #179Dominique on January 5, 2015 at 12:49 pm

    Victoria – 166 – Maybe this will help. I totally understand what you’re saying, and as an ultra-sensitive woman, I need a lot of alone time, BUT not time away from K. And he doesn’t need time away from me, yet he takes it while in the same room with me, maybe by watching a really bad movie while I read or do stuff on the computer or working on a project.

    It’s more of an emotional, maybe mental time out, yet this can be done without actually leaving each others presence.


  180.  #180Mistea1 on January 5, 2015 at 12:52 pm

    Radlove 171,
    Thanks for the feedback about the “too complex and witty”. I tend to be more sarcastic and off putting in my ‘wit’. Thanks for the heads up. I’ll try to speak simply from my heart, much better.

  181.  #181Dixie on January 5, 2015 at 3:45 pm

    Ladies, I am 5 minutes away from leaning forward so if it’s okay with you, I’m just going to share this here instead of reaching for anyone else. Today something great happened at work and instinctively, like the old days, I wanted to share with D right away because it felt so wonderful when we shared -sparks and boundless good energy.

    So this is what happened: I’m a high school English teacher and this grade 12 student chose to read Billy Bathgate by E.L. Doctorow, a older novel that takes place in NYC. WELL!
    Today, the student comes to me and he is beaming, and so eager to talk to me that he’s bouncing on the toes of his feet.
    It turns out he went to NYC over the holidays to visit with
    family, and then… (drumroll)… on his own accord, he spent
    $70 on a taxi and actually visited all the locations in the
    book! I mean, how awesome is that?? He was saying, it was
    so amazing, etc, and all I could think was, nope, YOU are
    amazing for even thinking to do that!

    Anyhow, that was the big shiny moment today. Some other kids told me that they loved, loved, reading The Kite Runner, and at the end of the day, I found this wonderful quotation
    by a favorite journalist: “endurance is the rampart of optimism.” Isn’t that great?

    Sirens, thank you so much for just letting me share here. I needed to share this good energy…hope you all had a wonderful day too!

  182.  #182Dixie on January 5, 2015 at 3:47 pm

    Hmmm, that spacing in that post was crazy. Sorry! Not used to typing on a phone 🙂

  183.  #183April Rose on January 5, 2015 at 3:53 pm

    Wow, Dixie, I can totally feel your joy.

  184.  #184Lovergirl on January 5, 2015 at 3:53 pm

    I wanted to add an update from my previous comment (#87). I went over and saw this man again and we had a wonderful time, great sex, lots of affection and cuddling and he bought me lunch. Everything felt better and I told him so and thanked him.

    To my huge relief, he also came up with a solution to our “problem” of working together, that he had said was making it hard for him to transition from (work to sex when we are together- maybe he thinks of me more in masculine terms when we are working?). His solution is that he gave me the key to his place, so I can come by and do work on my own while he is at his regular job. That way when he calls to hang out, I know for sure it is because he wants to spend time with ME.

    I am a little bit scared that he won’t call and invite me over as often, but I hope that is unfounded fear. This way I can at least relax in the knowledge that when he invites me to spend time with him, its because he wants to see me in a more than friendship/work way. There will still be occasions we need to do work TOGETHER but it shouldn’t be as often.

    I am excited that he stepped up to the plate and made a decision that is good for both of us. It makes me feel like I am with a very good, masculine man. I feel like I can trust him to take care of things when I tell him how I feel and that is great.

  185.  #185Dixie on January 5, 2015 at 4:25 pm

    April rose – thank you so much! Honestly, when this happy, inspired feeling wells up inside, my first instinct is to reach to him, but sharing it here felt just as safe, just as supportive, just as joyful. So grateful for the outlet this forum provides!

  186.  #186Mistea1 on January 5, 2015 at 5:31 pm

    Dixie 180
    Gosh, loved your comment about the student. I’m neither a student or a teacher but I have had reactions to books like that myself. That is totally awesome!

    Today I did the equivalent with music for me. I found out how the organ I liked was turned on and had a short demo by a guest organist the other day. Today I was all alone in the church and actually got to play it. OMG what a thrill. I’m just starting to play again and have never played an organ but had this orgy of listening to the regular organist who is a super star all summer long. He is gone on a concert tour and I will be able to play it until at least Jan 16. What power, what a beautiful sound. I too can rattle the walls with the power of that thing. It’s the equivalent of drag racing a souped up car. I’m going over tomorrow in the morning and will play until my fingers drop off. So I have 12 days to play. Then I have another person who will give me lessons on the big Bach organ downtown. I can hardly wait!

  187.  #187Dixie on January 5, 2015 at 5:41 pm

    184- Mistea, I totally understand 🙂 I know from your posts about the “superstar” organist, and I actually feel so excited that while he is away, YOU get to play the organ!

    Organs always sound so powerful and thunderous that I can only imagine how wonderful it will feel to create such sound. I user to play the piano and oh, playing on a grand, when the lid was open, in a room with good acoustic… Such an anazing, freeing feeling.

    I’m excited for you!

  188.  #188Andrea on January 5, 2015 at 6:16 pm

    Dixie!! Hooray hooray hooray!! Your sharing your experience in the classroom just made my heart leap for joy! For JOY!! Dixie, thank you so much for being an English teacher. And thank you so much for exposing those kids to some really great books.
    What a wonderful reward. What a wonderful adventure you helped that young man create for himself. What a wonderful influence you are on the minds of these impressionable teens.
    Dixie! That really is so exciting. What initiative this boy had. And yes, Kite Runner is such an eye opening read that reveals a whole new culture and breaks down some of the stereotypes we have.
    I feel so proud of you and so proud of your students!!!

  189.  #189Beloved on January 5, 2015 at 6:18 pm

    Ohh, sirens, I’m back from date 1 with M2. Whoa.
    I felt mostly comfortable and at ease, we have a lot of similar interests and tastes and conversation was easy.
    After walking around doing some shopping (lots of antique stores on the block), we stopped to get food.
    Then it got real, lol.
    The tables were all dirty, and I stood next to one, saying, I don’t want to sit at a dirty table and looking at him. And stood there. And stood there.
    He found a table close by and asked if it was a big deal, and sat down.
    So, I brushed a crumb off the chair and sat down, too, and in the back of my mind, I sort of made a mental “mark” and noticed that he didn’t do anything.
    After a few minutes, I asked him, “May I be blunt?”, after he said yes, I told him, that I stood there watching because I wanted to see how he handled the dirty table situation.
    Now, I KNOW I know I know, NOW, in hindsight, I see I could have handled it differently…and in the moment that’s what I did.
    It HURT my heart to say that. I felt a huge swelling of pain in my heart to say that, and I was telling him what I was feeling, my hands were trembling, I nearly felt like crying, I felt sadness.
    He was soft and sweet and apologizing and we were both sitting there feeling whatever crap we were feeling and I was practicing keeping my heart open and being present in the soup and not leaning forward to make it okay or to reassure him.
    After a hundred years or so, he reached out and held my hand, which felt really good. I relaxed. Slowly, slowly, inch by inch, we felt more comfortable and at ease.
    I gave up “trying” to get back to feeling good, and said, I feel a little too shaky and I want to give up on finishing this,”, which, for me was kind of a big deal, to not pretend like I was okay already and hurry up to get back to “normal”.

    So, this is kind of interesting…we went to a book store, where he kissed me and then got a little carried away for my comfort level in the book store.
    He said, “well, I *had* to at least try…”,
    which freaked me out, because it is EXACTLY what MP said last night in the car when I said I didn’t feel comfortable.
    Now, what M2 said that was different was (maybe he saw the look on my face), “…no, no, I didn’t.”

    When we parted ways, he told me, he had never felt so close with someone so fast, and he totally wants to be the guy who opens the door for me and handles the tables getting cleaned and drives me places and I might need to have some patience with him and ‘train’ him because he’s never had anyone “LET” him do that for him before.
    I told him, I love to feel pampered, it feels so gooood!

    I know some sirens feel triggered about ‘training’ men and I didn’t feel that way, I felt connected with him.
    I felt compassion and I felt sweet and warm and gentle.

    So, we have a date for this weekend.
    Ultimately, I don’t see it working out because of his financial situation..and…for now, I want to see him again. It feels scary to me that it feels so comfortable, I feel scared of getting into a rut, that he benefits more from being with me than I benefit. I’m okay with it for now because I trust myself.

  190.  #190Dixie on January 5, 2015 at 6:40 pm

    186 – Andrea, do you know how good I felt inside just reading your response? Thank you SO much. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I am in total alignment with who I am when I’m in the classroom, with all that dizzying but creative, collaborative energy…. For the past couple of weeks, I was bemoaning, yes, bemoaning the fact that I wasn’t sharing that energy anymore with D., but today served as a huge reminder that yes, I can be in that joyous space without him being present.

    Thank you so much for those kind words. As a funny aside, as I was typing all that earlier, full of firecracker joy, he texted sweetly to see how my first day at school was. And when I responded, I was in total fullness of the happy feelings that spilled over from first sharing here..

    Irony, huh? 🙂

  191.  #191Dominique on January 5, 2015 at 7:07 pm

    Dixie – 180 – As an avid reader myself, I SO feel you on this. Awesome. 🙂


  192.  #192Gear on January 5, 2015 at 7:53 pm

    Hey, Sirens,
    I lost my post from last night. Maybe Rori thought irrelevant, removed it? Or there was network glitch? But I thought it was relevant to sirens.
    Anyway, Guy C, my “friend” (have you heard of the term that sometimes friends were worse than enemy? 🙂 ) kept delaying to send to me a common new friend, Joyce’s contact info. He always has excuse, either he is going to look up his PC, or he is going to ask his friend, etc….
    Tonight, I thought I gave him another 24 hours. This guy has promised me three things in last couple of months, none was cashed, and I am fed up with this, I was doubting his integrity.
    So I text him an hour ago, “have you found Joyce’s email for me, dear?” ” if not, I don’t know if I can trust you or not any more.”

    He text right away, told me that he had sent to me. I text I didn’t get it, send it to me again. Finally, he text me Joyce’s number. I text Joyce, the number worked, so I text him back. “If you had sent to me earlier, it would have saved so much hassle.”
    He text me, “I sent you last night, and tonight.”
    I text, “I only got once 2 minutes ago.”
    He text, “don’t get upset please.”

    I just feel some people just need a kick on the butt, or they won’t get their acts together.

    Am I in Siren’s energy? 🙂 Ha! At least I am not angry any more. Last night I felt furious.

  193.  #193Gear on January 5, 2015 at 8:25 pm

    Beloved 187, hooray! That was so awesome that you were being vulnerable, good practice. And also at the end, I like what you said, for now…and you trust yourself. I like that!!! Hug to you, so I can get to practiced like that or more in my world!

    Dixie 188, congratualtion on the leaning back!! Hooray! All the success stories today. Siren island is in harvest tonight!!! Yee Hoo!

  194.  #194RileyTheOwl on January 5, 2015 at 9:09 pm

    Wow siren island is in harvest tonight, as Gear said!

    I had such a wonderful day today… First day back at school after winter break, and it was surprisingly a really really nice day(: I feel really glad and happy about this.
    Now it’s about 9pm and I’m sitting on my window seat eating a Nanaimo bar. mmmm I feel content.

    First class of my day it turns out we still have our substitute (my old calc poff broke his jaw and was supposed to be back by the end of winter break)… I really like the sub and he smiled warmly at me when I walked inside 🙂 after class I walked to the grocery/pharmacy store to buy cough drops… (I’m recovering from a bad cough..) And the cashier was a really cute guy. He smiled lots and leaned toward me and asked kindly but sort of smiley and jokingly “someone’s not feeling so good?” And I responded Ooohhh’s and soft feeling message, and then I smiled to myself because I realized. I’m circular dating! He said he really hopes I feel better soon, and that this brand of cough drops were his favorite and hoped I liked them. It felt nice and sweet to have that positive energy with me. In biology I got my test back and I got 100%, Yesss!!!

    Later today I had a beautiful walk in the rain to my vocal lessons, I was twirling my umbrella and feeling appreciative of how it protected me, hehe(: at vocal lessons something strange and good feeling happened, while my teacher was talking to me I just sat with myself in my chair and I felt so incredibly femminine and powerful and that I was listening deeply, and he kept smiling at me and giving me compliments… I just felt so at peace with myself. and in touch with my femminity.

    I walked home from vocals, and as I was walking I was feeling a bit angry and frustrated and sad and confused, because there was some complicated shenanigans of C trying to make plans trying to get me to get together with a couple of our mutual friends as apparently they wanted to see me, and it’s quite complicated but in the end I really didn’t feeling like going as I was tired of walking and blah blah… Nothing his fault, I was just feeling down because I sort of wanted to see friends and C but didn’t feel like going to them, and needing to be relaxing at home instead, you know? So I was walking down my street, feeling this saddness. the usual saddness I feel when friends want to see me and I want to deepen our frendship, yet I so totally don’t feel like anything social with I’m feeling this saddness,
    Then next thing I know C’s car pulls up next to me and he rolls down the window and says”oh hello there beautiful lady, how are you today?”

    And I felt myself slowly start smiling, bigger and bigger, and I felt my saddness wash off me with the rain
    I got in, and he drove me the rest of the short block to my house Hahah 😛 and he said he really was missing me, and didn’t really want to see our friends either. He asked if he could please come inside with me for awhile.

    I was delighted:)

    We snuggled in my bed, we can’t kiss because even though I’m almost better, we don’t want him to get sick… He was being do affectionate, and was sitting on top of me giving me a massage when he just suddenly lay on me wrapping his arms around me and burrowing his face into me, and he said “oh sweetie, I love you so much”… When he was leaving he also kept asking if he could see me again really soon, which is nice because usually by the end of a visit we’re not talking about the next time we see each other, as his energy may not be as set on ME and have that “I have got to see Riley” mentality if it’d at the END of our visit… But he kept sat by he wants to see me again real soon and I really appreciate feeling so special.

    it felt like a lot of affection from him for a Monday afternoon after school, and I just felt so full and happy. I love how he showed up during my sad moments, and it all just felt better,
    I really just felt my saddness slip off, just slidy slip off of me with the rain, and a smile grow on my face. He makes my already bright world seem brighter…

    After he left I did a really fun dance workout and then ate a yummy dinner, and I’m just feeling really happy and content right now 🙂
    It’s been a good day 🙂

  195.  #195RileyTheOwl on January 5, 2015 at 9:41 pm

    Now it is time for my nightly meditation, which is a habit I’ve taken up lately and it’s so benifiting me in so many ways… Goodnight sirens 🙂

  196.  #196Indigo on January 5, 2015 at 10:14 pm

    Dixie 180 & 188,

    Thank you for this! I too am so used to sharing it with D when I have a happy and exciting moment, and it feels so tempting to lean forward and share it with him!

    Today I am going to go and see two apartments, and hoping to buy one of them, and I am feeling SO excited, my heart is bursting at the thought of having my own sweet place to decorate and cherish and expand into as my own. Your post helped me to see that I can just inhabit that happy space and feel all those excited happy feelings without him being present! Thank you! And I loved your story! 🙂

  197.  #197Beloved on January 5, 2015 at 10:36 pm

    Gear – thank you for the praise, I feel warm and smiley.

    I just realized, though…doh…I got in his car and didn’t reach over and unlock the door for him. I’m so used to automatic locks, I didn’t notice his were manual. Yikes.
    Sigh. Well, I feel happy I was forgiving earlier.
    Although, if he noticed it must not have bothered him since he was so loathe to let me go.

    I’m re-reading the HTRYW ebook and I have a question about “controlling”. Rori says, asking to take out the garbage and saying “pick up after yourself” and “I need you to change the lightbulb” are controlling. I asked M2 if he would mind getting me a takeout container for my leftovers…does that fall into the category of controlling? If so, how could I have done it differently?

  198.  #198Millie on January 6, 2015 at 1:06 am

    Happy New Year Sirens!!! Oh so many good posts to read!! 187 Beloved, I so admire your honesty with your date, even though you felt afterwards you should’ve handled it differently, you were in the moment and you communicated and I admire that!

    I want to write a future letter! I know exactly what I want…

    I went on a date with a new guy the other night from POF At first, when we were chatting, I thought he was either a lazy dater or completely clueless…..I wasn’t really impressed with him, but there was something interesting about him and he kept reaching out even after I was b**chy. My main frustration was with his plan making skills, which were severely lacking. Before the date we were texting and he said “You need to tell me what you want.” And I realized, like a bucket of cold water over my head, that maybe I hadn’t been communicating as well as I’d thought. Maybe this guy needs it spelled out to him. As much fun as that does not sound, I decided to give it a chance. I’ve had a lot of stress lately when it comes to men and he basically gave me the answer to make it stress free. After that, I felt myself becoming more assertive, and realizing that with this guy, I need to be bolder in expressing those things. He seems like a giver…he wants to please me….but the frustrating part is..and as a woman we can all relate to this….I don’t want to TELL him what I want, I want him to think of the idea himself! But expecting a guy to be a mind reader, is also really unrealistic, and maybe as he gets to know me, he’ll step up to that role because it won’t be a guessing game anymore.

    So I approached this date with zero expectations…and it turned out to be really fun!! He was much different in person than through texting. I thought he might be a jerk, but he actually seems to be just a pleaser.

    I practiced my tools, I was open and warm and smiled…I let him keep buying drinks and order whatever I wanted, pay for my parking, dance with me on the sidewalk. I melted in his arms when he stepped up. It was a good date.

    Now, he seems very smitten….he wanted to see me the next day, but I couldn’t. He said he would come see me at the drop of a hat…he’s saying a lot. And coming from what I’ve just went through with some other guys, I find myself feeling jaded. I find myself not “falling” for it. Yeah it feels great to hear how he feels about me! Butterflies and he can’t stop thinking about me….but I know how fast that goes away. I seem to be very talented at landing the first date, they are usually entranced with me, but it’s after that that the waters get rough. A part of me doesn’t believe them…when they explode with expression anymore, because it feels too quick…and I know they can say one thing and do another. I don’t want to sabotage where this could go with my jadedness….but my feelings feel very contained and secure right now. I couldn’t really reciprocate back to him what he was feeling…Because I’m looking before I leap this time.

    Right now, I don’t want to think of the seriousness of relationships, I don’t want to rush, I just want to enjoy being with someone and have some fun! Be relaxed! not question everything! Not feel worried! Not feel consumed with a fantasy that doesn’t exist! Not feel extreme about anything…

    my experience with “out of town guy” felt so extreme. I went from a high to a low so quick. Reading Rori’s past post about fantasy relationships hit home for me. That I was longing for that unknown excitement from a man 3000 miles away. half the feelings I “felt” for him were caused by that distance. If he’d been in front of me, I highly doubt that intensity would have occurred. I still feel really deceived and let down by what he did. I feel confused about how I should ‘trust” men. Trusting a stranger leads to a lot of potential for hurt, whereas not trusting leads to sabotaged relationships. Neither one is good. It just hurts me how he turned his back…I lashed out, I said what I needed to say, and even though he kept saying sorry, he didn’t want to talk to me, even though I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s hard to wrap my head around why someone would act that way…to me the only explanation is he never felt for me in the first place, so I was easy to discard. Anyway, thats WAY over now.

    I’m going to write a future letter tomorrow, in great need of bathing myself in goals.

  199.  #199Indigo on January 6, 2015 at 2:49 am

    Millie 196,

    I just wanted to say that I think it’s a very good thing not to get carried away by all the gushing expressive words a man says in the beginning, and to not necessarily believe him, but feel contained and secure, and not reciprocate, as you put it. Leigha Lake says that just about any man can make a woman feel cherished and adored in the beginning, and it is really about whether he can go the distance. Men will say many things “in the moment” and the truth is, it really often doesn’t mean anything.

    In terms of not wanting to tell a guy what you want on a date, I find it very helpful to express that in terms of preferences and what I love, and let him take the lead from there. That feels very feminine to me. So, “oh I love Italian food, and I prefer a quiet, classy place over a loud and raucous one”. If he still pushes me after that, I like to say “Oh I feel confident you will come up with a lovely plan”.

  200.  #200Victoria on January 6, 2015 at 4:24 am

    how are you doing?
    I am still pissed with F.’s inability to plan… I wrote back to him saying I can’t see him today, he replied that he will call me after 4.30. So I am steaming, why the F*ck can’t he call me earlier? But I do not interrogate, I stay out of his business… and I am pissed … I am telling myself to trust him, take whatever he has to offer, and just be happy with whatever it is. I know I am greatly overthinking it, and I should just get busy with my own life. Which I will do in a minute, I just want to vent for a while… Thank you for bearing with me.

  201.  #201Indigo on January 6, 2015 at 5:03 am


    Thanks, I am doing well 🙂 I am getting some exciting things in order in my life – I’ve decided 2015 is the year for pursuing some major life goals. I had a great day today – had a look at some apartments, one of which I am considering putting in an offer on. And a company which I would like to work for, which will allow me to work the same hours I am working now, yet will pay me more and I will enjoy the work more, have asked to have a second meeting with me.

    And D contacted me again today, not even 2 days since the last time. As Labbit says, it is quite fun to see how it is all working out. I wonder if my vibe today had something to do with it? Getting on with and loving my own life, which is where my attention belongs.

    Well done for venting on here! How long have you and F been together?

  202.  #202Victoria on January 6, 2015 at 5:18 am

    We have been together for about 3 years. Way too long. I love him, and he is very important to me, but he has some major deficiencies. I find it very hard to let go of him. I have broken up with him 3-4 times but after a week (the longest) I can’t take his absense any longer, so I would call him again, and he always takes me back. He has been a poor planner from the very beginning, and he is kind of feminine energy. I am an excellent planner (I work in finance and I am a wizard with numbers and forecasts!) and have a lot of masculine energy. I tend to overfunction… and he tends to be lazy. I love being with it him, but I hate it when we are apart. I know he is also head-over-heels in love with me, and in terms of physical attraction and chemistry – we have major fireworks between us. I do not have an agenda for him though. I do not need to be married to him or live with him. I do not have a problem with him that I need to solve. And I know that the times when he pulls away, he is giving me the space (and even the energy) to be filling my life with other people/events/work/entertainment etc. And I don’t mind. I just get pissed every time he pulls the lame planner trick…

  203.  #203Victoria on January 6, 2015 at 5:24 am

    Also, for you to get a better picture, I need to tell you that I am what is considered in my country rich, and he is heavily in debt. I try to stay out of this (none of my business) and he is masculine enough to alsways want to pay for me, buy me gifts etc., but I know this is a major discrepancy between us, one that we both are very aware about. Nothing for me to do really.

  204.  #204CurvySiren10 on January 6, 2015 at 6:23 am

    Dixie, I want to add in my thanks and delight at reading about your student and the passion you have for what you do. As the mom of 2 high school boys, this warms my heart so much. My oldest- a senior- has been deeply impacted by a wonderful English teacher as well. He’s a brilliant kid, but not really ‘into’ reading and she has helped him tremendously in developing an interest in good literature.

    Indigo~~ I’m grinning over here reading your updates! I love your vibe and attitude and feel super excited about you looking for your own place and for the possible new career opportunity! You are growing by leaps & bounds!! Lots of love to you!

  205.  #205Indigo on January 6, 2015 at 6:33 am

    I find it amazing how so many of us have been so inspired and positively impacted by our high school English teachers 🙂 I want to add my voice here, Dixie, and say how wonderful I think the work that you do is.

    Hi CurvySiren! Thank you so much! I feel so excited and looking forward to what is to come! And I can say with 100% certainty that what I’ve learned from the various Sirens here had a lot to do with it. Leaning back and getting into the right frame of mind and getting in touch with my authentic feelings has been amazing. Lots of love back to you 🙂

  206.  #206Indigo on January 6, 2015 at 6:37 am

    Victoria 200 & 201

    Thank you for explaining. I have a much better picture of your relationship now. You are so strong and smart, I know you will figure out exactly what you need to do.

    I will say that knowing myself, as an intelligent working woman who has always been independent and looked after myself, I know I feel happiest with a VERY masculine man.

  207.  #207Lotus on January 6, 2015 at 7:16 am

    This feeling of wanting to be loved and to love feels so strong sometimes, I just want to divebomb into something. To be wrapped up, and taken into the skies. To want to be in the arms of someone special, to have that feeling of being soothed..
    It’s as if my skin sings to me, asking to be touched.

    On the 2nd of January I went for a walk with amazing tunes on my earphones and I just stood staring at the moon, mesmerised by it’s glowing beauty and I just stared at the urban lights into the evening landscape, dreaming of another city faraway.

    I felt so happy and content, gently tingling in my skin. I have been coming to this park for a year ever since I left my husband. It’s my ‘jardin le secret’ – every siren needs their own 🙂

    How far I’ve come, I told myself, to not have such a heavy heart, but to feel lighter, brighter and wiser for the year ahead. I felt lifted by the music, which just cuts through my senses and any thinking, and the beautiful world in front of me.

    Before I wrote my 2016 intentions as prescribed by RR, I wrote a letter to myself for 2015. After I wrote it and read it, I suddenly cried – it felt like a release and felt so cathartic. It felt such a great way to encapsulate the trials and tribulations of the year just gone.

    Here’s to a bigger and brighter 2016 filled with adventures, health and abundant love and happiness! Wishing this to all of you ladies! xoxoxo

  208.  #208Lotus on January 6, 2015 at 7:19 am

    Oops, lost it there for a moment, seems i’ve skipped a year ahead! so I meant 2015 and not 2016.. and of course 2014 and not 2015…!!

  209.  #209Victoria on January 6, 2015 at 7:38 am

    thanks, I feel lovely and complimented by what you said, thank you so much.
    I do not need to do anything with him. I do not need to do absolutely anything. I can’s change who he is, and he is, by way of his upbringing, education, and his whole life before he met me, a guy who is sweet, slow, phlegmatic, generous, forgiving, very cuddly, like a really big teddy bear. I get mad with him, but then when I see him, or talk to him, he melts my heart.
    I have never dates a very masculine man. I know my own masculine energy blocks those away. But you know what, I also like myself very much, and I have no intention to work hard on being very femminine.
    I really love me, just the way I am. Does this sound strange? I hope it doesn’t. With or without him, or with him and 2-3 other men around me, I am just fine.
    I am also very happy for your potential for a new home and a new job! Yay, you!

  210.  #210Indigo on January 6, 2015 at 7:45 am

    Victoria, thanks 🙂

    And no, it doesn’t sound strange at all. I love who I am as well, though some may not agree with all of it. That doesn’t bother me one bit. I wouldn’t change a hair on my head.

  211.  #211Lotus on January 6, 2015 at 7:47 am

    So many good posts going on here, have missed you ladies! I ended suddenly too busy with Christmas and work, it’s great to catch up!

    So just a few hear hears:

    Liquid Light 139 – you are hilarious and feisty, I love this post!
    “I’d like to get you know better.” “…in bed.”

    “I’d like to see you again.” “…in bed.”

    “You are so hot.” “…in bed.”

    “Maybe I could take you out for a drink sometime?” “…in bed.”
    ‘And so on. It was hilarious and helped me keep my sense of humor throughout the process. I’m not going to get upset at a man who wants to take me to bed. OF COURSE he wants to take me to bed. I’m just not going to let him do that until I’m quite confident he deserves the pleasure of my intimate company. And the application process is fierce!’

    Indigo 9
    ‘I had a fleeting moment of wondering whether I was being too harsh, but I realize that if something doesn’t feel good, I don’t want any part of it.
    For me, 2015 is the year that I stop living small, and start dreaming big – for myself, for my life, for all the joy I want to feel. Eventually, love will follow in its perfect time.’
    Bravo to you, this sounds so good! What a realisation and I admire your strength in being decisive about your boundaries. I’m still trying to work out mine. I guess if people violate mine enough then my boundaries become really clear.

    Labbit – I love your post – feel gooey for you too! So exciting to find that juicy info about TenderCD’s strategy of playing it cool with you. Just goes to show that if a guy is really into you, he will get it sorted as long as you stay soft and receptive, otherwise they can get scared off!

    Indigo and Riley The Owl, April Rose, Moon
    I’m INFP as well!!
    and reading Dominique’s post:
    I have admitted to myself I am the sensitive type, and often verge into withdrawal when CDing gets overwhelming. Being INFP and ultra-sensitive explains so many things, I put quite a bit of pressure on myself to do things right, and push myself out of my comfort zone. Gosh, it feels so good to be able to name things more and becoming so much more self-aware. I used get a bit upset when people called me a bit sensitive, and I now I can say, ‘Yes I can feel sensitive.. and I’m ok with that’. I don’t need to pretend I’m tough anymore.. I’m complex and I’m strong too… phew!

  212.  #212Azure Blu on January 6, 2015 at 7:54 am

    I too love your sharing of your story…
    THANK YOU for being a teacher to our “hope for the future”

    I have always been humbled and in awe of all the wonderful teachers that shared their time, compassion, $$, energy and passion while teaching my children!!!

    I had 2 favorite English teachers Mr. Radar in 9th grade and Mr. Smith in 12th grade…
    They opened NEW worlds to me…
    taught me to THINK
    New ways to think,,,
    Showed me wonderful worlds to explore
    and gave me courage and knowledge to
    face MY life as I moved out of my parents

  213.  #213Labbit on January 6, 2015 at 8:11 am

    196 Millie — That sounds like a wonderful first date! I completely understand the temptation to feel jaded, sometimes it felt like no matter what I did I couldn’t draw a good man to me. It all changes though, it really does!

    I am in complete agreement with Indigo, you are right not to get invested too early. This is where Circular Dating helped me SO MUCH. After going out with so many men I learned a bunch of things: how men learn to say flowery words to women to get them in bed with no intention of following through; how some men are like women in that they get heavily invested in someone they barely know and then the passion quickly fades to a trickle; how the really good men are often the hardest to read and seem the most standoffish at first because like me they are afraid of getting their heart broken, and so on. As you date more and more men male patterns will start to become totally obvious to you, and this alone will help you to relax and have more fun! It will be HARD to invest in a man you’ve only seen 2, 5, 7 times because you’ll know that it’s all talk until about the 3 or 4 month point with a man. The more men you talk to at once, the harder it is to get hung up on any one man — this was the most difficult part to wrap my head around…but once I started making myself talk to at least one new man a day, whether it was online or out in the world, I realized how much better and stronger and more confident I felt overall. It was like the 10,000 foot view that men find me attractive because I am a woman, and no one man is worth my time if he doesn’t cherish and pursue me.

    Here’s the trick I found out though: Even while I had to teach myself to keep from getting too emotionally invested in any one man until he asked for commitment, I still had to keep myself open to ALL men. Because as soon as I shut myself down, or got paranoid, or defensive, I was closed off to all men…even the ones I was really interested in who were pursuing me. So it’s about not ever telling a man to go away, or breaking up with him. It’s about learning to dance — coming in close to a man when he pursues you, backing away when he does something that doesn’t feel good or ignores you. I think I maybe told 2 or 3 men out of the dozens that it wouldn’t work because they were practically stalking me. But otherwise, I just moved away from men that weren’t cutting it, keeping the door open in case they decided to step up in the future. I know that over time I changed a lot, learned a lot, so they might too, and each time I saw them it was like meeting them all over again. 🙂

    Eventually the right partner found me and is claiming me, and that’s what will happen for you too! There’s nothing holding you back from relaxing now, from enjoying the dance now, except whatever knots you’ve wrapped around your own heart. So be kind to yourself, don’t invest in any man right now but allow every man to give to you, and work with self-love to slowly untie those knots until the man comes along that makes you forget that you ever felt broken inside. You’re not. You are perfect.

  214.  #214Labbit on January 6, 2015 at 8:14 am

    192 RileytheOwl — What a wonderful day!! I have to tell you when I was in college I had a recurring dream very similar to your wonderful experience, where I was walking home in the rain and my man pulled up in his car to take me the rest of the way home. I felt tingles reading about how it happened to you! I’m also so glad for you that your return from winter break has C right back to being his warm, affectionate self, and I love your tales of men noticing you all over town. You are hot, Siren!!

  215.  #215Labbit on January 6, 2015 at 8:14 am

    199 Indigo — HOORAY NEW APARTMENT! I’m so excited for you I don’t think I even have the words.

  216.  #216Labbit on January 6, 2015 at 8:19 am

    205 Lotus — Hee, well cheers to a great 2016 too, but yes let’s do 2015 first. Might work better that way. 😉

    Kudos to you Siren for doing what’s best for you, taking care of yourself in moving on from a marriage that wasn’t working out. There is every reason to feel lighter.

    Last night the moon was full and it was incredibly beautiful. The moonrise was very close to the horizon here, and it felt even bigger than normal. Like you, I felt pretty mesmerized by it.

  217.  #217Labbit on January 6, 2015 at 8:30 am

    Sirens, I have to share the incredible dream I had last night. Indigo I think it was partially inspired by your Venus on the pillow-laden clamshell visualization, which really touched me. And then a little bit of a Cadillac car commercial that’s airing here in the USA right now, which kind of plays with the ideas of luxury and opulence and Sirenyness in a royal way.

    When I visualize myself at my most Sireny, I link to think of myself as an Egyptian goddess or princess laying up on a throne of cool rock, with pillows and rugs and throws comfy all about it, and big leaf fans waving with a layer of sheer curtains all the way around. Last night in my dream there I was lounging about in my splendor, not a care in the world, draped in layers of sheer organza and gold cuffs on my arms, and of course spectacular headwear because why not? Like something out of a 90s music video set in ancient Egypt.

    Anyway, as I’m lounging without a care in the world all of these men keep walking through the palace, noticing me, wanting to give to me, working up the guts to approach me — catching my eye, flexing their muscles, stopping below me (I’m raised up higher than they are, on my pedestal) until I notice them. And of course since it’s ancient Egypt, they are wearing metallic skirt-like bottoms but no tops, and headgear, carrying spears or some kind of other weapon…looking very masculine indeed. The men are a mix of suitors from my past, present, and imaginary men I don’t know. TenderCD too, though only for a moment.

    The men come up to me, sometimes one by one, sometimes fighting each other off, to give me something. A cat. Beautiful gold jewelry. A jewel for my crown headpiece. New clothing. Food. Drink. If I allow them, they kiss me on the cheek, or neck, or hand. The dream was in a little slow motion, so every move was slow and deliberate and even though I was dreaming I could feel every look, stare, touch, kiss, presence so deeply within. Each one was hoping I’d ask them to stay.

    I woke up midstream of the dream so I don’t know who I picked (if any of them). I feel SO GOOD today!! What an amazing dream, a great visualization I will continue using. I love picturing men giving to me and me receiving, it’s such an inspiring mental picture, especially when I feel like there might not be any energy coming towards me.

  218.  #218Lotus on January 6, 2015 at 8:41 am

    Labbit – I enjoy reading your posts, you sing out like a soul siren..
    Although I left the house last NYE and moved back to my dad’s, and have moved forward with lots of RR tools, leaning back and dating, and ultimately it worked – my husband came back from his affair – it all feels too little too late. Yet I haven’t been able to lock the door behind me.
    I’m finding it so hard, especially coming from a Catholic faith, although I’m liberal in terms of my religion. The ex hasn’t given up, and seems to rescue me in times of need… He’s remorseful and is willing to do anything to rebuild, and just something about the energy between us doesn’t feel right. I don’t trust him. He doesn’t love himself. I want to be with a happy healthy man, with good self esteem. I just feel stuck, I don’t want to go back, I want to explore other possibilities with men and the world, yet I can’t completely move forward. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing by getting a divorce. But how does one ever know?
    Amongst the challenges of CDing, that is my deeper issue.. 🙁

  219.  #219RileyTheOwl on January 6, 2015 at 8:45 am

    212 Labbit,
    Thank you! Yes, yesterday it really felt like all the men in town where noticing me… it was nice hahah 😉

    That’s a lovely recurring dream to have… and I was very surprised to see him. Even though I was already close to home, it felt really good to be picked up and called beautiful(:

    I’m glad that he’s back to being himself too!!! I actually forgot about the pre-winter break distance between us because before long he was sending me texts and calls saying he missed me, and things just went right back to normal after the break. I don’t really understand what was going on…. but I suppose I won’t worry to much next time it happens! I’ll just go okay, he’s having one of his moments… time to back away and focus on myself for a while!
    You’re probably right that he just didn’t want to say goodbye, but I was only going away for one and a half weeks… we’ve said goodbye for a whole 80 days and he was perfectly loving then. Although that was when we were 16 so maybe teenager him was more affectionate about it, who knows? 🙂

  220.  #220Labbit on January 6, 2015 at 9:02 am

    216 Lotus — I am not Catholic but I am a woman of faith as well, and religion is a very important part of my life. I understand the Catholic church’s stance on divorce so I sympathize with your plight there. I love the current Pope, and his ability to see that there are some ancient writings that need to be updated for modern times! What I have been able to come to terms with as an adult is to see the Bible for what is really is TO ME, allegory and stories that were probably true but have been inflated and filled with metaphors in order to teach people very important life lessons. It was written at a time when most people could not read and education was not available to everyone, so they are written to teach us about the mysteries of life. Crossing your Red Sea (facing your fears and going forward anyway), wandering through your Desert in times of feeling lost, etc. What I also always keep in mind is that the Bible has been changed many times, often by men, often by men who wielded insecurity and power to their advantage. Parts of the Bible that women wrote have been rewritten, changed or lost in some cases.

    God is within each one of us, and likewise we are all God in our own universe. No God would ever want us to suffer, or feel pain, or hurt us just to ‘teach us a lesson.’ No. The Universe that we live in is already a Miracle, and the only thing God wants for each of us is to be happy and THRIVE. We don’t have to prove ourselves worthy, we don’t have to do penance, we don’t have to suffer to reach our goals or joys. They are already gifts from God simply waiting for our recognition.

    I have never been in the situation you now find yourself in, so I can’t completely relate, but I do want to send you my love. Whatever choice you make in terms of how open you choose to be to your husband, and what your heart is telling you, I am sure that you will make the right choice for you. You can’t do it wrong! Remember that it’s never about whether trusting a man — it’s about whether you can trust yourself. So go there first, do whatever you have to do so you can always trust yourself again, and then the answers will become clear. I like what Rori said in a recent post a lot: “It’s not what’s happening – it’s what we SAY to ourselves ABOUT what’s happening.”

  221.  #221Radlove on January 6, 2015 at 9:35 am


    #179 – Cool. I tend to be the same way…approval-seeking is what is underlying it, at least for me. And, for me, humor can be a way of keeping up a wall.

    It’s that vulnerability that can feel so scary! Yet the more I put myself out there, the more empowered I feel, because as women, our vulnerability and deep honesty is truly our strength!

    I tried it the other day with K. I was feeling shut down after he growled at me, as he is way too prone to do. Normally I would have gone into angry mode and just not interacted with him. Instead, I said, “I feel shut down, and I don’t want to feel that way with you. I need to be surrounded with warmth, softness, and kindness. When I am yelled at, I don’t feel safe. Then when you go to hug me, I feel like I am hugging a porcupine who is going to hurt me any second.”

    He really listened (something that doesn’t come naturally for him, LOL) and then he laughed, “A porcupine, huh? Well I truly don’t want to fight on you. I am devoted to you.” He pulled me into his arms and we fell asleep like that.

    He still growls at me, but it’s getting more mild and less frequent. I see real progress.

  222.  #222Femininewoman on January 6, 2015 at 11:24 am

    Oh my Labbit you must be some hot siren. What an awesome dream for your unconscious to conjure up.

  223.  #223Lotus on January 6, 2015 at 11:31 am

    218 Labbit – I feel your love, how lovely of you to write back to me and it’s great to hear your understanding of religion.
    I have baby-stepped away from my ex and I realise I don’t even want to have a coffee with him, nevermind even go back to rebuilding! CDing with him was just plain awful.
    And this is where I am now, if I divorce, I will still be welcomed by the church, I just wont be able to take communion, besides I haven’t really taken that for a while due to my feelings of guilt. And it’s ridiculous as I type this, as guilt is such a lowly feeling.
    My Christian counsellor has even told me it is not seen as wrong to divorce when my ex broke our vows, and just like you say God would not want to see me suffer. But then I think, well my ex has come back and is willing to do anything – so am I wrong in not giving him a chance? Yet it’s this chance I am struggling to give, even in CDing. And I gave him a 1.5 yrs of chances!
    If I didn’t evolve my life and lift myself out of sadness, then yes he would have that chance, and then what inner joy would I be missing out on! I figure he’s developing at such a slow pace, he’s just no match for me anymore.
    My mum and closest auntie divorced, so really I don’t know why I can’t lock that door behind me. It would be so much easier if ex agreed and gave up..

  224.  #224Mistea1 on January 6, 2015 at 12:05 pm

    Radlove 219
    Thanks for the support. It took me about a week before I could think of what I could have said to MusicTd.
    P lus he always growled at me. Maybe law guy will at least be willing to talk, so far so good. I will keep what you wrote in mind in case MusicTd ever talks to me again!

    I like that the growling seems to be less and less. Must be he is feeling more secure, right?

  225.  #225Tee on January 6, 2015 at 12:46 pm

    I’m thinking that my “new years resolution” should be to get in touch with my emotions. Alot of times I have no idea how I feel! Thanks to this blog, I am noticing that when I feel something, I often don’t know why it’s there or how it got there.

    Lately I’ve been feeling angry and I’ve tried some of the techniques I found on this site and it’s gotten easier yet somewhat icky feeling as well.

    I’ve noticed that I don’t often give my emotions time to live and breathe. I don’t sit with them. I automatically force them down or push them away as soon as I feel uncomfortable or less in control.

    One way that I remain in control is by Doing. If I don’t like how I Feel, I seek out something/someone I can DO something for.

    I see now that I’m doing it backwards. When I’m feeling hurt/down/upset/whatever….I don’t turn inward. I turn outward. This thought came about because I’ve been feeling really down about my son. He just started daycare last month and he’s had this lingering cold ever since. I feel I’ve done everything I can think of as his mother yet I’ve been snapping at everyone because I feel judged because he hasn’t gotten better.

    I’ve heard a few times that this is standard and it happens to all kids when they start daycare, he’ll be fine, he’s strengthening his immune system, etc etc

    I hate my little guy being sick, he’s been at the doctors 3 times already, they have nothing new to tell me or suggest. It probably has to run its course. Logically, I know this. Emotionally, I feel inadequate, judged, weak, inexperienced….a loser.

    I don’t enjoy those emotions so I shifted to seeing what I could Do for my Significant Other. It makes sense now why I’m so snappy and confused. I’m not supposed to be Doing anything for him. Ugh!

  226.  #226Tee on January 6, 2015 at 12:49 pm

    I’m thinking that my “new years resolution” should be to get in touch with my emotions. Alot of times I have no idea how I feel! Thanks to this blog, I am noticing that when I feel something, I often don’t know why it’s there or how it got there.

    Lately I’ve been feeling angry and I’ve tried some of the techniques I found on this site and it’s gotten easier yet somewhat icky feeling as well.

    I’ve noticed that I don’t often give my emotions time to live and breathe. I don’t sit with them. I automatically force them down or push them away as soon as I feel uncomfortable or less in control.

    One way that I remain in control is by Doing. If I don’t like how I Feel, I seek out something/someone I can DO something for.

    I see now that I’m doing it backwards. When I’m feeling hurt/down/upset/whatever….I don’t turn inward. I turn outward. This thought came about because I’ve been feeling really down about my son. He just started daycare last month and he’s had this lingering cold ever since. I feel I’ve done everything I can think of as his mother yet I’ve been snapping at everyone because I feel judged because he hasn’t gotten better.

    I’ve heard a few times that this is standard and it happens to all kids when they start daycare, he’ll be fine, he’s strengthening his immune system, etc etc

    I hate my little guy being sick, he’s been at the doctors 3 times already, they have nothing new to tell me or suggest. It probably has to run its course. Logically, I know this. Emotionally, I feel inadequate, judged, weak, inexperienced….a loser.

    I don’t enjoy those emotions so I shifted to seeing what I could Do for my Significant Other. It makes sense now why I’m so snappy and confused. I’m not supposed to be Doing anything for him. Ugh!

  227.  #227Dixie on January 6, 2015 at 4:35 pm


    I can’t put into words how amazing it felt to read all your responses – I felt so incredibly appreciated, supported, full of joy and gratitude, all at once. Honestly, it felt like a wave of appreciation just came and drenched me! 🙂

    I am learning sooooo much on these boards and last night I learned that the spark of synergy can be lit even here!

    D. was so incredibly loving and affectionate in his messages yesterday. I responsed today but it feels like he’s in a cave again, preoccupied. If if wasn’t for your responses yesterday, I might be feeling a stronger urge to lean forward tonight, but I’m just feeling so open, and calm, and satisfied with life tonight that if he reaches, I can respond from this feeling, and if he doesn’t reach out, well, I’m still wrapped in this wonderful feeling. All good 🙂

    Again, lots and lots of love and appreciation for your comments 🙂

  228.  #228Dixie on January 6, 2015 at 4:38 pm

    Oh my Lord. Now that I’ve said I’m an English teacher, I can’t believe there are TYPOS in my post from seconds ago! This is why I hate typing on a phone 🙂

  229.  #229Mistea1 on January 6, 2015 at 5:21 pm

    Dixie 224,
    Don’t worry, we are a very accepting bunch here. 🙂

  230.  #230Liquid Light on January 6, 2015 at 5:59 pm

    OMG I’m livid!!! Here’s an interchange I just had with someone that I thought was a friend. Yuck! Gross! Barf! I feel like I just got majorly slimed. I guess its better to find out sooner rather than later… what do you all think? (Going to go was my hands again, maybe take a shower…

    Me: Did u go to that singles thing the other night? Have fun? Do u want to grab a bite or a drink later?

    Him: Sure. You’re inviting ? Then suggest a place and a time. Am coming home from ***** now
    Me: Ha!
    Me: Nevermind was just suggesting getting a drink to a friend wasn’t inviting that made me feel really weird!
    Him: I feel badly that you feel weird. You can call another friend then, okay ? I don’t have time and money in my budget for that this year.
    Me: Just looking for friendship that’s it
    Me: Wow strange!

    So depressing! And this is right after a creepy date the other night with the guy who tried everything to cajole his way into my apartment. 🙁

  231.  #231Liquid Light on January 6, 2015 at 6:00 pm

    I really feel like lashing out at the creep now! JGRRRRRR!!! I am so pissed!!!!

  232.  #232Liquid Light on January 6, 2015 at 6:03 pm

    I really feel like lashing out at the creep now! GRRRRRR!!! I am so pissed!!!!

  233.  #233Liquid Light on January 6, 2015 at 6:04 pm

    oops sorry for double post but I am really really pissed…hahahaha!!!

  234.  #234Dixie on January 6, 2015 at 6:33 pm

    Advice please?

    It feels like D. has gone into his cave, just after being very attentive yesterday. This is not with us, but he just sounded… 🙁 .

    Every fibre inside is aching to soothe him, or at least give him a chance to open up after our sharing last night. In my head, I want (oh, yes, leaning forward language) to text and just admit that even though it feels very forward for me to ask this, is everything alright? He just sounded far away from his happy mood of yesterday.

    I should just send this text in my imagination, right? He could either clam up, or open up. I feel grounded right now and without expectation, but the fact that I’m “here” asking should tell me that I am feeling triggered, no?


  235.  #235Dixie on January 6, 2015 at 6:43 pm

    Oh, I think I’ve answered my own question! Time for me to go sit by my imaginary rock, lol!

  236.  #236Gear on January 6, 2015 at 7:33 pm

    Dixit 230, 231,

    Yep, you got it, sit on your hands, I understand that you are a teacher, might be the type like ENFJ,(even though you are not, but teachers career probably made people like that) always feel responsible for other people. And always feel want to motivate other people and feel can make a difference in other people’s life. I am a ENFJ. So I am great motivating leader, but it is really challenging when I am in a relationship not to exert my influence. 🙂 🙂 hehe.

    Sit on your hand. I would use that talents on your students, no, but not on the guy. 🙂 make sense?

  237.  #237Gear on January 6, 2015 at 7:38 pm

    LL, 226-229
    I feel sorry for what happened. I didn’t have any date last weekend, even though I had four days off. But I rested, watched RR’s program, prepared my income tax…did some reflection, went for a walk…by myself…I felt peace…

    It’s OK, sometimes quiet time is for me to find myself, to re-anchor myself…I understand sometimes we don’t want to be alone…
    Give yourself a big hug. I am giving you one too. Love yourself, love the one who suffered tonight…

  238.  #238Gear on January 6, 2015 at 8:24 pm

    Lotus 216, 221
    I understand your struggle, though I was never in your situation. I am a devoted Christian. I feel happy for you that you still keep your faith. Yet, some churches have misconception about communion. We take communion b/c we confess our sins, b/c we feel the need to be cleansed, to be renewed or to be healed. That’s the power of communion. That’s from God, no one take that away from us.

    I feel your struggle about doing the right thing. I used to struggle about that for years. What should I do when come to dating,etc…blah, blah. Never realized that I was living in bandage when we focus on right or wrong. Eph 2:8 “for the it is by faith that you are saved, not by works, it is a gift from God, so no one can boast.” Scripture also said, “HE clean the ones who are called, not call the ones who are clean.” My pastor said something very powerful, he said, “church is not a museum to exhibit perfect people, but a hospitable to heal the wounded and hurt.” Remember we all are saved by GRACE, not by our works. It’s unserved, unmerited, and unearned. I would highly recommend pastor Joseph Prince to you. You can find his website, there is free podcast, he has a book called unmerited favor- it’s a great challenge to religion. It’s true liberation, it’s the freedom in Christ. I feel my life has changed dramatically in last five years because of his teaching and because my lovely church. One of his sermons influenced me greatly was “focus on the love of The Lord for you, not your love for Him.” I highly recommend.

    As human we all want to control the result. But only God can control the result. In the catholic or fundamental Christian community, people consider sexual sin the greater sin. But bible never said so. Bible said “all fall short of the glory of God.” “Whoever never sinned, cast the first stone.”

    I hope you find freedom to your soul first, and find the love, the true love from GOD, and be filled with that love. Bible even said, “among all things the greatest is love” in order to give, we have to receive first. May the Love of God fill your heart, May His grace carry you. He said, “my grace is sufficient for you.”

    Sorry I didn’t dig into your particular case, but said more from a bigger picture.


  239.  #239Gear on January 6, 2015 at 8:34 pm

    Labbit 211

    I like your trick, thanks for sharing it. Hmmm, to dance,mot come in close or back away…
    I feel curious How long have you been CDing?

  240.  #240Tee on January 6, 2015 at 8:40 pm

    I feeling left out. Most of my posts don’t show up around here :/

  241.  #241Liquid Light on January 6, 2015 at 8:46 pm

    Re. my previous posts, I guess I can see how he may have felt rejected and was acting out of that. I haven’t been that responsive towards him on several occasions. But I still feel kinda creeped out by him and don’t want to be friends anymore.

  242.  #242Liquid Light on January 6, 2015 at 8:48 pm

    Looking back, I kinda got a feminine girly vibe from him when we went out on a date. I swear those first gut instincts are usually always spot on. I have to learn to trust them more. Sometimes I really don’t think that giving a man a chance is always the right way to go.

  243.  #243Liquid Light on January 6, 2015 at 8:51 pm

    Thanks for the hug Gear! Hugs back! 🙂

  244.  #244Indigo on January 6, 2015 at 10:43 pm


    THANK YOU! I love love LOVE your dream of the Egyptian goddess… I remember doing a similar visualization when I was wanting to sink into my sensual self and it worked so well.

    I really think your dream is what being a Siren is all about!

  245.  #245Indigo on January 6, 2015 at 10:57 pm

    Labbit 226,

    I can see how this exchange with your friend felt ick, it would have to me too. But can I please suggest, when it comes to friends, not to give them so much power over your feelings. They are just friends after all. Unless you’re hoping for more from him, which would be being attached to an outcome which is an extremely tricky area, I honestly would just keep it light and not have expectations or any investment in it. What I’m saying is that it is clear, to me anyway, from this exchange that you had expectations of something from him – of him responding a particular way etc. Be careful of this. To me, it seems clear you were triggered by something else. Not to say you need to accept bad treatment, not at all – just be aware of where you’re coming from.

    If it were me, for example, after he had said

    “Him: Sure. You’re inviting ? Then suggest a place and a time. Am coming home from ***** now”

    I would have either suggested a time and place like he asked, or said “You sound busy… maybe you can let me know when it’s a busy time!” or not responded to his message, depending on how I felt. Your response suggests you are immediately hurt and offended. This doesn’t serve you.

    Your friend had probably had a bad day – which is not to say you need to let him take it out on you, but don’t get drawn into it either. Just continue on your siren way.

  246.  #246Indigo on January 6, 2015 at 10:57 pm

    * when it’s a better time!

    Sorry for the typos!

  247.  #247Indigo on January 6, 2015 at 10:58 pm

    Also, that was supposed to be addressed to Liquid Light!


  248.  #248Indigo on January 6, 2015 at 11:50 pm

    Dixie 230,

    I would highly recommend going over to Leigha Lake’s site and reading her articles. She addresses these exact feelings you are feeling in many places. Reading her stuff has helped me a lot, because I also used to struggle with these urges. Being empathic, and with the strong connection D and I have, I can feel when he is withdrawn or feeling bad or whatever, and of course the urge is to soothe and reassure him.

    DON’T DO IT. Creating safety for a man means that you allow him to come close, but also to move away from you without wanting to make it better for him, which looks like chasing to him. He doesn’t need you to reassure him or make it better for him, or to ask how he is doing WHEN HE IS MOVING AWAY FROM YOU, when he has not asked how you are doing.

    These times when we feel him pull back are the hardest. It is easy when he is coming towards us. Practice doing the Waterwheel of Love and leaning back instead. It does get easier 🙂

  249.  #249Victoria on January 7, 2015 at 12:19 am

    Would you lend me a sympathetic ear? I am so frustrated.
    So, here’s the story in short. F and I see each other on Monday, he does not make plans for another date. I make other plans for Tuesday, since he did not bother to book me. He send me an email in the middle of the night offering that we go to a spa center on Tuesday (one of my favorite things to do with him by the way). I had to say no because I had other plans. He called yesterday, we talked, no rearrangement of the plans, and then he told me, and by the way honey, I will not see you tomorrow, because this friend of mine who works abroad is here for the last day and he asked me to go to the spa with him. And, no arrangements to see ME, nothing, just information that he will be going somewhere with someone else.
    I said only “ok”.
    I am so pissed. So, after I rejected his offer for a day which is wrong for me, he would not change the offer for another day, but would go with someone else on another day. I felt it like a slap in the face. I sent him a mail last night saying that I am so sorry that I could not see him Tuesday and will not see him today, that I miss him, and that I feel bad when I am waiting for him to make plans for us and they are not working well. I tried not to be accusatory, not to criticize, but I am not 100% sure how it will come accross to him. But I thought it was better to let him know than just steam inside. I am no longer sure it was a good idea, but it is done anyhow.
    I understand intellectually, that he needs the space, and to do whatever makes sense to him and makes him feel in control and validated. I know it is fine, everything is fine. And yet, my head hurts with the feeling of rejection and my eyes are filling with tears.
    I am feeling helpless, that I do not manage to communicate to him what I need in a way that he would understand me. And I am even more scared that may be he understands what I need but simly DOES NOT WANT TO GIVE IT TO ME for whatever reason. He is guarding himself, and I am guarding me, and we can not get closer. But I also know that it is not for me to be moving in his direction. I just need to let the armor down and allow him to come closer, if he would. It is so so scary to be vulnerable.

  250.  #250Indigo on January 7, 2015 at 3:43 am


    Sympathetic ear granted 🙂

    May I share my impression with you? If I am out of line, please tell me. Honestly, you have been with this man for 3 years and have shared that you do not need things to progress to marriage or living together… so yes, I am sensing some fear of intimacy or commitment or shut-down on your part in some way. Believe me, I understand. But I believe when we do not need a relationship to move forward, we are unconsciously communicating a casual vibe to a man, that we are happy with the status quo, that we do not need to move things any deeper or forward. I believe that he will then feel nothing about keeping us at a little bit of an arm’s length. Seeing you every few days, keeping plans open or unconfirmed… this is all casual territory.

    What do you actually want? I know this is scary. I believe when you know what kind of relationship you really want, you will able to speak your feelings and act accordingly.

    Love to you

  251.  #251Victoria on January 7, 2015 at 4:25 am

    thanks, I love your sympathetic ear.
    I know that I do not what I want with him. I know what I don’t want, on the for the other things I am simply not sure, there are prons and cons.
    I think right now he is angry with me, and penalizing me, because it is almost half past two and he still has not called me today…
    And I am very nervous.

  252.  #252Victoria on January 7, 2015 at 4:39 am

    I am so nervous, when I read what I wrote to you, I see half of my words are missing.
    I do not want to have to think about what I want from him. Sometimes I just want him out of my life completely. I need to get myself to a gym asap, and do a heavy cardio work-out, this the only thing that would help me right now.

  253.  #253Leigha on January 7, 2015 at 5:22 am

    Happy New Year Sirens! 🙂

    Indigo – 244

    I feel so happy and honored to be able to help! Thank you for this!!

    You really know your stuff!! 🙂

    When I can I do like to come see how everyone on the blog is doing.

    I was brought to the Rori Raye Method because the man I was dating started pulling away and withdrawing – I felt completely blindsided and had no idea how to turn things around and I instinctively wanted to do what doesn’t work… I can completely relate to all the painful feelings and the urges of wanting to make things easier for a man.

    Sending all of you lots of love!

    Love, Leigha

  254.  #254Labbit on January 7, 2015 at 6:19 am

    Gear 235 — Well, let’s see. I bought Rori’s ebook about a year ago, when a dating relationship of mine was falling apart. Looking back I can’t believe I tried to save that one, haha. Then a few months later I bought the complete collection with my tax refund and was completely against the idea of CD’ing at first. But slowly I came around to it…dating one guy at a time was too frustrating and I wasn’t getting myself out in the world enough to learn the Tools.

    I want to say I started CD’ing in late May maybe? Very slowly, maybe one to two guys at a time. TenderCD and I got back together in July. And then in August or September, when I felt like things were getting really stuck with TenderCD all over again, that’s when I started to CD a LOT. Rapid progress, along with a couple of VERY tense months with TenderCD, and we went exclusive with marriage on the table right before Christmas. Things are pretty peachy keen now. 🙂

  255.  #255Victoria on January 7, 2015 at 6:57 am

    Hope you are not sick with me. Bear with me one more post, pleae, and I promise I will reciprocate with my own very sympathetic ears whenerver you need me (hoping you never will!).
    He just called me, innocent as the fist snow, saying that he is in the neighborhood of my office, and would I like to see him…I would of course like see him first, strangle him second…I am dating a 12 year old, I should not be imagining anything differently. Emotionally I mean he is pre-highschool. Or we both are…. GRRRRRRR.

  256.  #256Dominique on January 7, 2015 at 7:28 am

  257.  #257Mistea1 on January 7, 2015 at 7:28 am

    Labbit 250,

    Thanks you for the CD timeline. Even though I imagine they are all different it helps to have some sort of guide. I haven’t been enthused about CDing either but with the 3d one on line I am starting to see the point.

  258.  #258Dominique on January 7, 2015 at 7:31 am

  259.  #259Indigo on January 7, 2015 at 7:45 am


    Believe me, BELIEVE ME, I know how you feel. When you feel like your man is playing games, when you want to strangle him. I have felt that way – and I do think it may be a maturity thing – but who knows, not our business.

    My take on it – I think the best thing to do is share your authentic feelings in the moment – knowing you can’t change him, not trying to control him, just “I feel…” And then maybe take a step back to reassess, and give yourself a chance to see your feelings and the man a bit more clearly.

    I do know though – oh my goodness, I know how triggered you can feel in the moment.

  260.  #260Mistea1 on January 7, 2015 at 7:57 am

    Victoria 251,
    Oh my, no wonder you know my situation so well.
    The idea of the casualness of it all hits a cord with me as does the intimacy fear, maybe you too.

    After ‘the talk’, I had the strongest notion to kick MusicTd in the shins and shout at him, “you dumb bunny”, where that came from I don’t know. Or maybe I do and don’t want to admit.

    One thing he did say was that he’d gotten a repeat of the same type of woman over the years. I said me too, the same type of man right down to the same ethnic group.
    After talking with my coach Mary C. she helped me see the toxicity of the whole thing and I’m replaying in spades the same treatment of x husband. I’m reminded of the John Gray discussion above, very helpful. Maybe you know of some of that in your early life? I guess I still have some work to do.

    I recall your comment to me about MusicTd being ‘the one.’ Yes, he is, if I want a repeat of my past relationships. Yikes, I’ve spent the last umpteen years discarding one after another of these types. Only when I heard MusicTd explain himself finally, did I truely catch on. Whew, I dodged the atomic missile on that one. And just to underscore this, is someone playing the organ very much like the types MusicTd plays has just came on the radio. OMG. Excuse me while I collapse into laughter and listen to this.

  261.  #261Labbit on January 7, 2015 at 8:04 am

    Dixie (and Victoria I think this could go for you as well), one of the hardest concepts for me to grasp was that it’s not about how he feels at all. It’s all about how I feel in any given moment, whether I am with my man or not with him.

    It’s so easy to turn my attention on him, when I feel like he might be upset or I worry I said something wrong or I wonder when I might see him again. Or maybe I am just thinking of him and then I realize I haven’t heard from him yet today and then all my worrying habits start to kick in. I want so badly at times to step in, move things along, tell him what to do (in a helpful way of course!), make it easier on both of us.

    But instead of ANY of that, the most attractive thing I can do is to totally forget about him when he’s not right in front of me or on the phone with me. I am learning to simply pretend like TenderCD doesn’t exist when we’re apart. And I don’t mean that as in pretending like he doesn’t exist and so I’m as good as single. I mean I focus on how I feel rather than how I feel about him.

    So if I find myself feeling mad or worried or wondering, if it has ANYTHING to do with TenderCD I am learning to bring myself back to thinking only about ME. What is right in front of me right now that I can concentrate on? What task am I trying to avoid? What can I do for myself right now? Because often the daydreaming or anxiety is me trying to escape what’s right in front of me in my own life, like work or making dinner or getting dressed or even sometimes going to bed. Even when I feel happy or am fantasizing, I’ll let myself go down that road a little longer but still don’t let myself linger there…I bring me back to my reality, to the present moment, and focus on that. If I’m feeling bad or anxious I go do something for myself — Victoria I love your idea of working out, I do that a LOT too when I am feeling stressed or find myself running in mental circles over TenderCD.

    Because when we focus on how we feel instead of how he may be feeling or what he may be doing or not doing, he can relax. We drop into our hearts, he drops into his (even if he’s not with us at that moment!) and it becomes easy for him to be attracted to us and turned on by us.

    It’s the difference between feeling, “I’m upset and I need to share with him that I don’t feel good right now” and “Man, I think he’s upset and I know I can help fix it for him!” The former is where we want to be. The latter is the danger zone — and sometimes we trick ourselves into thinking we’re upset because we can’t feel his energy coming towards us, when really we’re fine and need to keep focusing on ourselves.

    I don’t know if I’ve explained this well, I like what Indigo said a lot and was going to mention that Dominique’s site is a treasure trove when it comes to this stuff too. 🙂

  262.  #262Labbit on January 7, 2015 at 8:13 am

    And actually, a lot of times when I find myself thinking about him what I’m really feeling is vulnerability. I feel vulnerable that if I open myself up too much, I will get hurt somehow. I will hurt myself or he will hurt me. The only answer to this is trust…trust that I will treat myself well no matter what, and also trust that opening myself up is safer than closing down, and that whatever feelings I experience as a result of opening up, any bad feelings or experiences won’t hurt nearly as badly as if I try to protect myself and lose out on love because I was shut down. Because shutting down guarantees hurt every time.

  263.  #263Tee on January 7, 2015 at 8:48 am

    #257 Labbit, I love what you say here! I’m constantly worrying or over thinking about my man. I am realizing that maybe the reason why I’m so often confused about my own emotions is because I ignore them so often in favor of others.

  264.  #264Leigha on January 7, 2015 at 9:03 am

    Wow! Such great insights being expressed right now… So awesome!! 🙂

  265.  #265Tee on January 7, 2015 at 9:30 am

    #260, Leigha! I just recently started reading your site….I love it! Everything is so clearly and simply stated. I’m trying to piece together something of a book for myself so I can remember and practice. I hope to speak to you soon. Next week, I believe? Lol

  266.  #266Liquid Light on January 7, 2015 at 9:55 am

    Indigo 244

    Thanks for your feedback. The thing that got me so angry was that I feel like he was implying that I should pay for him. Since he said “you’re inviting?” that means, in my mind, that that’s what he was expecting. That’s what enrages me, that a man would be that wussy to expect that from a woman. To me it just shows his true very unmasculine character. I would be fine with having him as a friend but to me, he’s got a hidden agenda and I feel he is still interested in me romantically and was trying to turn it into a date and having me pay to boot! Yuck. (He wanted to go out for NYE but I ended up going out with someone else and being treated to an incredible meal at an amazing restaurant.) I just wanted to have a drink with a friend, no more no less. I’m finding it really hard to find male friends that are OK with that, and it really bums me out since I still don’t have many friends here, male or female. 🙁

  267.  #267Leigha on January 7, 2015 at 11:26 am

    Tee… Thank you for your feedback!! I love hearing that. I’m looking forward to talking with you soon then!! 🙂

  268.  #268Gear on January 7, 2015 at 4:33 pm

    Labbit, 250

    Thank you for your sharing. It feels amazing reading your story. In about six months of trying the program. It looks like you and tenderCD were able to rekindle the old flame…

    To be honest, I always have the doubt at the back of my mind That is it still possible? The good ones are already married, the men divorce carry their wounds on top of their old patterns. I have dated only one man who had kids, that was this year, and I know for sure that I don’t want to date any man with kids any more. No matter how far his kids live, he feels guilty when he is having fun without them, whenever his mind has room he was thinking about his kids, their kids will always be no.1, and the ones who are not responsible for their kids are not the men I would respect, either.

    Where are the single men? Single and available and ready for a committed relationship?

    I have been trying dating more than one man at a time since 2010(I have been single forever) I knew I needed to date at least three, but I didn’t know that I ought to focus on building the emotional muscle rather than going through the number motion. until two months ago, I got to read RR’s ebook, and bought her whole collection of program, I feel like lit up.

    Yet, feel low. I feel like is it the purpose to have stronger emotional muscle, so that I can accept what I didn’t used to accept. – again, compromise? I am not feeling too thrilled about it. Because as women we are so conscious, so keen in improving ourselves, we increase awareness…men don’t even do half of what we do, how could after all the improvement of ourselves, we can meet the right guy without compromising?

    You mentioned in your other post that men change as well. I wish they would improve as we women do, but how much chance that will happen?

    If you fell in love with someone and then broke up, there is chance that both can work things out, if both have improved their relationship muscle, or say, mindset, skills. But if two people never fall in love, or were not compatible, then what outcome can one expect?

    Sorry I am just rambling, feeling not hopeful. I had thought I had passed the stage of that woman, the woman RR read a letter about at the end of the “Targeting the right man” program. 🙂 always meet men in her emotional neighborhood. but two months later, after I had thought I had so a couple of breakthroughs the first months, I found I am still feeling no breakthrough at all.

  269.  #269Gear on January 7, 2015 at 4:37 pm

    I am having a date this Saturday. Who lives 50 minutes away from me, and who works 75 minutes highway driving from me, and who has three kids.

    I will go practice, but I don’t see the relationship I have with any men improving. My longest dating in my whole life were just 3-4 months. I feel funny now with all those facts together… Hehe.

  270.  #270Labbit on January 7, 2015 at 6:38 pm

    Hi Gear, it does seem endlessly tough at times. I have been there…I can relate for sure. But you have every reason to be hopeful. You are here surrounded by people who are living proof that love is alive and thriving. 🙂 Look through Rori’s blog archives and you’ll see. I’ve read many love stories unfolding to happily ever after in the comments here, from people as despondent as I used to feel and you may now feel.

    It always seems impossible until it’s done. And then you wonder why you made it so hard on yourself!! You’re going to mistakes along the way…I made SO MANY, good lord I’m shocked sometimes that men called me to ask me out again LOL. And before I found Rori I’d gone through a string of like 10 men in about 1 year dating one at a time, it was embarrassing how quickly I fell in love with them and got discarded by them. Your past means NOTHING. Tomorrow is a new day and no one knows your history except you. So rewrite it and make it GOOD. Start telling yourself that you are a SIREN and watch as your actions magically start to mirror that belief into reality.

    No beating yourself up. I’m pretty sure that’s one of Rori’s rules! If you need a break take it, if you don’t keep getting out there and meeting new men. Good men are out there and they are probably wondering where the good women like you are hiding.

  271.  #271Andrea on January 7, 2015 at 6:44 pm

    LL 226
    I felt ick when I read this mans response to you as well.

    I understand. It feels kind of like a “poo poo”, like he’s just swishing you aside unless you can make it worth his while. Ick!!! Pay for him?? Ick ick ick

    That’s one to delete from the contacts list and never give energy to again. Yuck!

  272.  #272Liquid Light on January 8, 2015 at 8:31 am

    Andrea yeah way too feminine energy for me! Yuck! I was hoping we could be friends but now that doesn’t seem possible. Grrrr.

  273.  #273Lotus on January 8, 2015 at 7:01 pm

    I feel a little embarrassed and its the first time I’ve discussed dating other guys with a CDman. Turns out the guy who suggested fwb is still wanting to get to know me, and he was pretty upset to find out I go on dates with other guys, and it’s only our 2nd date. I focused on how I felt and I said I don’t want to feel pressured. He said he feels its gone the other way and that I’m a serial dater! That didn’t feel good! Certainly I’m not conventional doing CDing.
    This is also the first time I’ve been on a date and bumped into the ex and I felt my face burn when he saw us and realised the situation.
    I just had a pash with the date in his car and part of me wants to go further and the other part wants to hold back.
    The thing with CDing in the UK is that normally people see one person at once, so I told him I don’t want to box myself in and I only ‘see’ one person at once on an intimate level. I am feeling a little perplexed, how do keep this guy as practice when I do want something more on a physical level… It’s like my heart and head think no when calm and in his presence my body wants more. Has anyone been through this turmoil and gone ahead with having a lover?
    He has told he doesn’t want a fling and wants to get to know me in every way and remember – is it Labbit or Indigo who said – “in bed” .. I had to chuckle to myself a lot.
    Thoughts please Siren, am I playing with fire?

  274.  #274Lotus on January 8, 2015 at 7:02 pm

    I feel a little embarrassed and its the first time I’ve discussed dating other guys with a CDman. Turns out the guy who suggested fwb is still wanting to get to know me, and he was pretty upset to find out I go on dates with other guys, and it’s only our 2nd date. I focused on how I felt and I said I don’t want to feel pressured. He said he feels its gone the other way and that I’m a serial dater! That didn’t feel good! Certainly I’m not conventional doing CDing.
    This is also the first time I’ve been on a date and bumped into the ex and I felt my face burn when he saw us and realised the situation.
    I just had a pash with the date in his car and part of me wants to go further and the other part wants to hold back.
    The thing with CDing in the UK is that normally people see one person at once, so I told him I don’t want to box myself in and I only ‘see’ one person at once on an intimate level. I am feeling a little perplexed, how do keep this guy as practice when I do want something more on a physical level… It’s like my heart and head think no when calm and in his presence my body wants more. Has anyone been through this turmoil and gone ahead with having a lover?
    He has told he doesn’t want a fling and wants to get to know me in every way and remember – is it Labbit or Indigo who said – “in bed” .. I had to chuckle to myself a lot.
    Thoughts please Sirens, am I playing with fire?

  275.  #275Gear on January 8, 2015 at 7:31 pm

    Labbit, 266, I feel encouraged. Yes, it all seems impossible until it is done, isn’t it? 🙂 thank you for sharing your success and your struggle,

  276.  #276Millie on January 8, 2015 at 9:46 pm

    Indigo and Labbit— thank you so much for your insight!! It was really helpful to read!

  277.  #277Tee on January 9, 2015 at 2:48 pm

    I’m feeling like I have an emotional disorder! When my man isn’t around, I think about all the ways I miss him, how I’m gonna try to be in the feminine more, lean back, take the pressure of My Happiness off of him, do more for me, Etc.

    Yet, when I see him it’s like every little thing he does just annoys the pants off of me! I’ve been so snappy lately.

    Then when he makes himself scarce due to my attitude, I feel guilty and hurt because I feel I’m hurting him for reasons we both don’t fully understand.

    Didn’t Rori or someone have an article on self love or how to shift gears when you’re feeling this way or something? I feel like I have no clue what the heck is going on with me :/

  278.  #278Mandy on January 16, 2015 at 2:39 pm

    Tee, ask Leigha about her “fire hose” tool if you get the chance. I am a person who is always trying to rush to pick up the ‘fire hose’ and fix and do all the time, but when in Siren mode, we let all that go, just put it down and leave it be.

    I know it can be very confusing trust me, I struggle and wonder how Dominique and Rori just seem so, with it, and together, and like flowing waters, and sometimes I feel so “choppy”, like I’m being startled all the time because I’m like, oh, gotta do this, gotta do that…

    For example, It is a fun idea at first to say, bake J cookies, the excitement of it makes me squeak with glee and pick up that hose, lol, but then I think, patience, patience, wait until he does something you like, then use it to thank him rather than just give it to him…I am always keeping the fire hose in mind…

    I believe I have the water wheel turning in my direction, very slightly and slowly, right now.

    Around J, I am getting used to letting him make his own decisions, not suggesting, just reacting, and saying “oooh, tell me more”, when he talks about a possible job opportunity, and I just get him going talking and let him talk, and these little things have actually started his energy coming my way again, I can feel it, because his back pain was gone the other day, and so he wanted to be helpful, so he took my situation and his management skills and cleaned me right up – he took me to the grocery store, bought us some groceries, came home, helped me clean, helped me apply for food stamps, and then made dinner for me and watched tv shows together with me, and I thanked him so much with kisses and long hugs, which felt like love. Then I’ve been just not going in for the snuggles, and letting him come to me to get them. Those things, accepting his help, thanking him, staying open, and staying away from that fire hose, have all gotten him to start coming back to me to get attention from me rather than me going to him like a kid or a puppy.

    I lose track sometimes because I am so focused on why I’m mad or whatever, but if I feel sad, he sees it and tries to help. Tee, maybe i you just sit in your feelings, your man will know, and there will be a doorway out from all that anger, into just understanding and love. If he comes to you to hug you and comfort you, let him do it and then thank him if you feel it, it works with J, apparently, I just haven’t gotten it right for so long that I thought I lost track of that.

    I am very very very glad at least right now, that I got the water wheel running in my direction again here ever so slightly, because I am not quite done with him yet, I don’t want to break the guy by telling him our relationship has to end because he can’t get a hard-on by his girlfriend, he is somehow wired to get it from porn and strippers, but when he gets it, it is totally for me, and when he is with me, he is thinking of me, he even mentioned it as being surprising to him, because he figured he’d need to keep up with he stimulation from the visuals to finish with me, but no, it’s all ME when we are locked together in passion like that. I figured this all out the past few days. I do like that. And he does feel insecure about not being able to get it “up” for me, but when he does, he presents it to me like a big present with a big happy smile on his cute face, lol. It is SO adorable…I am like, Oh boy, a MAN! 🙂

    In the words of the online cat memes, “I can haz cheeseburger”…

    …meaning, hehe, I CAN have it. 🙂

  279.  #279Mistea1 on January 16, 2015 at 3:47 pm

    Mandy 278,
    That is soooo cute. “I can haz cheeseburger.” OMG.

    I’m glad the guys don’t read this as we’re boasting about their accomplishments!

  280.  #280Mandy on January 16, 2015 at 4:08 pm


    Lol, thought I’d throw in some cartoony humor there, and yes, this is top secret for me, lol. My guy has no idea what goes on here, lol.

    I noticed earlier you mentioned your father has PTSD. I have a military papa, and yes he has it too. But he is a good man and has always been there for me. Just yells way too much and is very hyper-vigilant. Very tough to live with.

    I imagine this affected us as women, it makes me go for a man who is not easily excited/doesn’t yell at me, which perhaps translates into other things.

  281.  #281Mistea1 on January 16, 2015 at 4:27 pm

    Mandy 280,
    Thanks for the comment. I remembered that my father was always so territorial about his violin and music. We never played together. He gave me such a hard time about travel to lessons etc. I finally threw my instrument at him and told him to sell it.

    It is with slight horror (if there is such a thing) that after I was told I couldn’t play the organ there the reason is that MusicTd is very territorial and they didn’t want me to get in trouble with him. No wonder I have this attraction/dread combo going on. I’m so out of there. I am going to another church nearby. I don’t want this anymore. (slight smile and head shake here). Thanks for jogging my memory Mandy. I’m off to practice on MY keyboard!

  282.  #282Tee on January 16, 2015 at 4:49 pm

    #278, Mandy! Hopefully I’ll get the chance to ask Leigha and not forget. Yes, I need to sit with my emotions more and be patient. I tend to feel like Mr. Man’s every thought/comment needs my immediate attention. If he mentions needing batteries, I’m all over it like When? What kind? How many?

    I need to express what I like /love about him more often. He always seems totally open to things. Today, I missed the perfect opportunity to express my desire for more romance/sensuality. I told him that he wasn’t romantic in approaching me sexually, he says Well you’re not romantic.

    It was all very jokey but it made me realize that this can be done. It can all be done.

  283.  #283Lori Everhart on February 7, 2015 at 10:17 am

    I have purchased a couple of your programs and am learning to correct old habits, but I have been married for 25 years and recently reconciled with my husband after his affair and wish I could speak to you more directly about how to work your programs in a marriage situation.

  284.  #284Rori Raye on February 7, 2015 at 2:43 pm

    Lori – go quickly to the Directory of Rori Raye Coaches in the sidebar under “Pages” and try them out! You need one-on-one help, and they’ll get you on track very quickly. Love, Rori