No Matter What He Says – You’re Great

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This is one of my favorite stories, and you may have heard me tell it before – but I wanted to hear it again myself! So…

American’s Next Top Model is one of my favorite shows.  It’s been a bonding thing for my daughter and I to watch for years, and we look forward to it every season.

And – I’ve learned so much from it.

What? you might ask – can I learn from watching models pose?

A lot, I say.

Here’s what I learned from Tyra Banks – modeling is not all about “posing.” It’s all about “being.” Specifically – being “fierce” – and yet “soft.”

The technical aspects of modeling require that you “pose” physically – that you find a way to use your body that hits the mark where the photographer wants you to stand, that shows off the clothes and shoes the way the designer wants them seen, that makes you stand out – but the clothes stand out more…AND – it’s more than a “pretty picture.”

What the competing models learn is that what shows up on the film is what’s INSIDE them. If they are in their “heads” – nothing much of interest shows in the photo. You can SEE them “thinking” – there’s nothing emotional or powerful or commanding – nothing that DRAWS YOU IN there.

So – she teaches them how to be vulnerable.  To stand there, technically in what’s often a very, very difficult position and that requires them to be creative about how they stand, sit or lie, and where and how they place every leg, arm, toe, finger, even to the way they tilt their head – and to know where their “light” is and how to best use it. – AND – at the same time – to be open, vulnerable, raw, emotional inside, real.

To be who they are, and let that show on the outside.

As the season goes on – what we see is that the ones who grow in confidence show that confidence by being even MORE vulnerable.  Just as I talk about here – they become stronger on the inside, and so softer on the outside.

Now we’re to the story of Jade.

This woman was tough.  Really, really tough.  Chip on her shoulder.  And, as the show went on – she surprised everyone by learning how to be soft.

She simply opened up, watched how the other women were doing it, and used her skillfulness at posing, at the technical aspects (and her skills were and still are considerable – I’ve seen her in a few magazine spreads since…) and then just …let go.

Her fierceness was there, but her eyes were soft.  Her chin and jawline were soft.  Her arms and hands were soft.  She was this completely interesting tough girl with a totally soft exterior.  I loved it.

And one day, they had a challenge (you know how those reality shows work…). They fooled the models. They sent them to a fake “call” for a modeling agency…where they were to show the three “important people” behind the desk their photo portfolios and talk with them. Only – the trick was – the three people were to totally RUN DOWN the models…Tell them awful things about themselves and their photos.

One after another, the women came in feeling happy and confident, and as they sat there and heard that their chins were too sharp, their eyes too small…anything the fake important people could think up…you could see their faces fall.  The women looked horrible when they left.

To cement how this was – they took pictures of them as they came into the office, and then pictures as they left.  It was like before and after a horror show.

Except for Jade.

They threw everything at her.  They said her face was “hard.” They said her hair was awful. They said her mouth was too full…they laid it on…and this is what Jade said to each nasty remark:

“Oh…yeah – isn’t that cool. ” She AGREED with them, and then turned it around – like, “Yeah…I have such a strong face, that’s sort of my signature…” (And she was smiling – genuinely – the whole time.)

Everything they threw at her, she turned into a positive. Right there, without even thinking, she took each comment and turned it around.

And she didn’t really seem to know what she was doing. It wasn’t like she had some “elevated” or “false view of herself.” It wasn’t obnoxious  – it was endearing and powerful.

What was so powerful – and you just FELT it – was her absolute refusal to let anyone else define her.  She was totally okay with herself.

She didn’t need to defend or explain. She simply rejected any negative INTERPRETATIONS of her. She made her OWN interpretations – and shared them.

SHE chose what was the BEST interpretation – to her. The truth was that some of her features were different from many other models. They made it a “bad” thing. The interpretation she chose was that it was a GOOD thing.  She made up GOOD stuff, instead of buying their BAD stuff.

And I want you to do this.

Whatever your mind, or someone else, or your fear is screaming at you about you…Just say..”Oh…yeah…so glad you noticed…” Try: “Yeah! I do have that gray streak in my hair…isn’t that cool…! …and I love all those new hair colors they have – I can’t wait to try them all…what fun!”

As silly as you’ll feel – I tell you – it looked GREAT on Jade.  And she was someone you didn’t want to like…but you just respected the heck out of her, and wanted to be just like her in that moment.

My daughter and I were whooping during that minute Jade was dealing with the negative people – and we never forgot it.

Now, all we have to say is….”like Jade…” when anything negative happens…and we laugh and turn it around.

Let me know how the Jade trick works for you…

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Tina on April 1, 2010 at 11:06 pm

    I do it a lot. This is a really nice way to turn things around. If someone said Oh, your gaining weight, yah, it’s winter oh but I started going to the gym. I live in a place where women do this “trick” for sport. If I catch myself doing this same exact thing then I turn it around remind myself that I am doing it to myself.

  2.  #2Tina on April 1, 2010 at 11:09 pm

    This one lady I know told this other woman that she looked like she was wearing “hooker boots” I was floored, I didnt like that she said that to my friend. They will use anything to tear you down. I just find this so mean.

  3.  #3Tina on April 1, 2010 at 11:12 pm

    ‘Truckman” thinks I should be on the cover of playboy lol I sooooooo agreed with him 🙂

  4.  #4Tina on April 1, 2010 at 11:21 pm

    My trainer told me that my belly fat would be the last to go, I felt discouraged but Im still working at it. I feel so glad that he did tell me so I wouldnt quit and say EFF it! 4lbs 10 mor to go . winter fat i love you, you kept me warm all winter. I had two younger girls here at my house (the one that stole a makeup case) and the other girl was saying she was fat. I said love your fat! say I love you belly fat! 🙂 and they did , they were happy about it and stopped picking on their “faults” they had a hair dying party. was cool.

  5.  #5DocK on April 2, 2010 at 6:10 am

    Tina, you are so awesome!

  6.  #6tinque on April 2, 2010 at 7:41 am

    I second the motion!!!

  7.  #7Megan on April 2, 2010 at 9:33 am

    I just LOVE this post. I feel Tina put it perfectly when she said the women where she lives do this “trick” for sport. I have encountered this SO MUCH throughout my life and still do.
    Unfortunately it took me a long time to realize that people do this to bring themselves up by tearing you down. I feel this is something we should teach all young girls- why this sort of thing happens and how to handle it.
    I also really like how Rori emphasized that it was simply an INTERPRETATION.
    I get a lot of attitude from one girl in particular that i work with who thinks she’s above everyone. If I express an opinion about something and she disagrees she’s sure to tell me why I’m wrong. I don’t argue but simply listen and entertain what she has to say. when she’s done and I’m still sticking by my guns she glares at me like i’m an idiot for not “getting it”.
    I used to let this sort of thing get to me all the time. I was constantly second guessing myself which felt horrible.
    Sometimes I feel like the minority in the way I feel about things, like the black sheep. i feel isolated and WRONG. like, “if everyone else disagrees then surely they must be on to something…”
    this is something I’m still working on.
    i hope I haven’t gotten off topic.

  8.  #8DocK on April 2, 2010 at 9:44 am

    I’m not crazy about the song melody but I like the lyrics (could substitue “according to him” for “according to me” but it also highlights how that ONE guy – the one we’re wasting our time being hung up on – we let him drive our self-esteem down when there’s a whole bunch of other guys that like us the way we are)

    According to you
    I’m difficult
    Hard to please
    Forever changing my mind
    I’m a mess in a dress
    Can’t show up on time
    Even if it would save my life
    According to you

    But according to him
    I’m beautiful, incredible
    He can’t get me out of his head
    According to him
    I’m funny,irresistible
    Everything he ever wanted
    Everything is opposite
    I don’t feel like stopping it
    So baby tell me what I got to lose
    He’s into me for everything I’m not
    According to you

  9.  #9Turtle Girl on April 2, 2010 at 10:57 am

    That is right on girl. I know which singer you are quoting from. She also has a song called Think Like a Man about all our obsessing that we do.

    >>>Must be you if the phone don’t ring
    Here i am obsessing
    He loves me ,yea, he loves me not
    i tell myself i should just learn to shut up
    no i need to be like you

    ignore my emotions emotions are dumb
    Surfing the channels, ’till my senses are numb
    shorten my attention span,
    I should think like a man

    Stick my foot in my mouth and just run away
    Turn of my cell, i aint got nothin to say
    Dissapear and not give a dam
    I should think like a man
    think like a man

    Oblivious it must be nice
    nothing spoils your appitite
    your cheacking out every blonde in sight
    your tellin me that its just all in my mind
    yea i want to be like you

    ignore my emotions emotions are dumb
    Surfing the channels,’till my senses are numb
    shorten my attention span,
    I should think like a man

    Stick my foot in my mouth and just run away
    Turn off my cell, i aint got nothign to say
    Disappear and not give a dam
    I should think like a man
    I should think like a man

    i could save myself so much trouble
    i could save myself this heartache
    but it’s the best advice i know i’ll never ever take

    yea i got to, i need to, i want to be like you

    ignore my emotions emotions are dumb
    Surfing the channels, ’till my senses are numb
    shorten my attention span,
    I should think like a man

    Stick my foot in my mouth and just run away
    Turn of my cell, i aint got nothing to say
    Disappear and not give a dam
    I should think like a man
    i should think like a man
    i should think like a man

    Obviously this is a joke-we are female and of course don’t think like a man and everything Rori says is that emotions are are way through all this.

  10.  #10Soignée on April 2, 2010 at 1:58 pm

    Thank you Rori, thank you, thank you.

    I feel a great emotion with this post. It was written for me. I will print it out and will conserve it.

    In this period I had to fight with all kind of people critising me and being vulnerable and sensitive inside I could hardly get away from this critic. So I am learning to stand up for me, for my mistakes, my insecurities, my soft inside and I am doing this great.

    Thank you. Thank you

  11.  #11diamond on April 2, 2010 at 5:01 pm

    I love this post!

  12.  #12Daria on April 2, 2010 at 6:03 pm

    Free flow writing:

    i feel sad i feel good i feel comfortable. cokie cutter cookies smell good. ack metal. ack cut teh cookie… i hate u. i hate u. cold metal silver. is pretty. tinkle rise up to starry coldness and pureness like stabbing my back… no pureness. pureness not allowed. pureness not possible. perfect not possible. sad. defend perfect. defend pure. defend the pretty ps pea pods slmie and bugiton. i see u perfect i claim u perfect. i claime u pure. me me me. fight fight fight… watch what what who hermit crab. shell y shell. alone. hungry. hermit meat. yum the squeezy rubbery slap fins slap fish .. slap slap slap. chapped hand. hi . hi chapped hand. ufff. uti. chaped hand. heal heal… portal to wellness. wellness well well well. overall. well. well overall the well is welling up wellington noodles to wash. i clean all food from the inside out. all food is good… gum. grass. tired spine. tired spine. feel sad. well ness spine. super spine. super flexible power priestess spine. powerrr spine. snake spine. wellness well well well slim slender spine shucks shucks. shake it off… old snake skin. i slither. slide smoothly. feel so good.. smooth moss slime perfect. like watercrystla. i blessed water. told it im sad. water hears. angel water. why i never talk to water before/ bye water bye

  13.  #13BigLuv on April 2, 2010 at 7:11 pm

    Turn it around. Turn it around. Define myself as I want to be.

    I love Mary J. Blige’s song Work That for the exact reason mentioned in this post. I’ve always been a ‘big” girl hovering between size 20 and 22. I really appreciate Tina’s mantra. I love my belly fat! I love my winter weight! It’s just time for it to melt away…. Burn baby. Burn!



  14.  #14Tina on April 2, 2010 at 10:42 pm

    I wonder what would happen if I sing naked karaoke, well in my house hehe

  15.  #15Tina on April 2, 2010 at 10:44 pm

    My son just arrived home so its out for tonight lol. I was singing in my bathrobe earlier and thought hm, I wonder…

    I havnt actually tried it but yeah, I will 🙂 it’s on my list of things to do, like buying a stripper pole!

  16.  #16Tina on April 2, 2010 at 10:50 pm

    I feel happy feet happy that you love your winter fat! Biglove 🙂

  17.  #17Sheila Walker on April 3, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    You are never going to win the respect of a
    man if you have sex with him outside of
    marriage . It just signals to him, that you
    are easy . If he is not in love with you,
    then he has formed a soul tie to you that will
    make him increasingly uncomfortable .
    If you want to find a man who
    will more likely love and respect you, for a
    lifetime, AND be faithful, look for someone
    who shares your same values .

  18.  #18Lucy on April 3, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    Has anyone done this program? Anyone have thoughts on it? Some of it looks interesting.

  19.  #19Lucy on April 3, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    Love this post. “She didn’t need to defend or explain. She simply rejected any negative INTERPRETATIONS of her. She made her OWN interpretations – and shared them. SHE chose what was the BEST interpretation – to her. The truth was that some of her features were different from many other models. They made it a “bad” thing. The interpretation she chose was that it was a GOOD thing. She made up GOOD stuff, instead of buying their BAD stuff. And I want you to do this.”

    Okay, so how do I do this? I want to, but not sure how.

    For example, my butt is wide and flabby and flat, it truly is. That’s an objective description, but it feels negative — and I’m sure most people (incl. men) interpret it as a negative thing too. (I have had boyfriends in my past comment negatively about it — even when I was young and weighed 115 pounds!)

    So how do I turn that into something with a GOOD interpretation that makes me feel good?

    Any advice? 🙂


  20.  #20Soignée on April 3, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    Dear Lucy,

    the best thing is to start to admire what you like in you. To have this feeling of admiration and love. If you have gorgeous eyes, or hair or nose or whatever you have, you can start from it.
    You can have a look at this part and say you “What for great eyes I have”. You have to accustom yourself to feel another vibe, you have to be accustomed to have the pleasure to see this likeable parts.
    If you are after that good enough at it, you will have a pleasure to have such feelings. So you will see your other parts in another way. Like your child: maybe the child it not as pretty, but for the loving mother the child it the best, the prettiest on the world. It will be the same for you.

  21.  #21Soignée on April 3, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    Lucy, and for the parts of your body you want to improve there are plenty of suggestions. Maybe some of them can not be perfect, but they can change a lot. If you certainly want and are ready to work on you. If you do not need, it can be really ok. The most important thing is that you accept all of you.

  22.  #22Lucy on April 3, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    Thanks, Soignee. I already do admire what I like in myself. I was really thinking more along the lines of what Rori wrote in this post — changing my INTERPRETATION of parts that are not “ideal” — “making up GOOD stuff” around that. 🙂


  23.  #23Eileen Gaglia on April 3, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    Listen and watch the people around you. Learn from them. They all have something to offer. They in turn will see how you are behaving, and it may rub off on them. They too will watch and listen(really listen) and learn from each other.

  24.  #24Rori Raye on April 3, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    Sheila, Welcome, and I do not know of a single man, ever, who is worth his salt, who will marry a woman he has not slept with. We’re not talking on the first date – but definitely before he makes up his mind if he wants to marry her. Period. AND I do not know of a single man who’s sure about a woman and sleeps with her even on the first date who loses love for her because of it. Sex is just not “all that.” What you’re talking about is how WE feel about having sex when we decide to have sex with a man, and whether or not it is on the same page with him. There has to be an agreement about what the meaning of it is, what the value of it is…and NEITHER we or the man can be LYING or pretending, or fooling ourselves that it’s not as serious as we truly feel it is. This is my opinion, and I’m sticking to it. That said, Sheila – If a man is not in love with you and has sex with you anyway because you offer it – it’s an awful thing for both of you if you are in love with him. Love, Rori

  25.  #25Katarina on April 3, 2010 at 5:13 pm

    Lucy- I was thinking the exact same thing today! I do appreciate my good qualities, and overall am pleased with my appearance but I am NOT well-endowed in the boobie department and this has bothered me since I was a teenager (now mid-thirties). I have been dreaming about breast augmentation for YEARS. My friends say I would look ridiculous due to my frame (I’m 5’4 and weigh in a a whopping 100lbs soaking wet). I just feel UN-feminine sometimes though I am a girly-girl.

  26.  #26Daria on April 3, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    Katarina – you can rub your breasts in a circular motion coming from the outside up over INWARDLY towards your sternum and around, that will get them growing esp with doing the chinese deer mediation

  27.  #29Daria on April 3, 2010 at 5:24 pm

    nm the link i sent wasnt very helpful if it does show up

  28.  #30Katarina on April 3, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    Daria I dont see the link but will look into that. I feel intrigued and hopeful!

  29.  #31Daria on April 3, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    Katarina – yes, rubbing them up and OUT will make them smaller! – so careful hehehe

  30.  #32Daria on April 3, 2010 at 5:47 pm

  31.  #33Katarina on April 3, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    Oooooh thanks for the warning! That’s definitely NOT what I need. Thanks for the link I’m gonna check it out….

  32.  #34Jeannette on April 3, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    Guys, help me out. I am spending my Easter alone, that is to say without any man. I am so discouraged. I feel I am unlucky in love. I just want to get out of my depression but I need some direction.

  33.  #35Tina on April 3, 2010 at 7:22 pm

    Jeanette, I am not celebrating Easter, I sent my son to his grandmothers house lol. I was in a mild funk when I woke up this morning, I felt anxious, my son woke me up and made some coffee for me and reminded me that he was going there. I was feeling fearful off and on. I’m good now though, I drove him to her house which is about an hour away. Things started “going my way” when I won two coffees, I heard two songs in a row that I sing on my nights out. I thought it was sunday but it was saturday lol. I feel the stars are lining up once again 🙂

  34.  #36Daria on April 3, 2010 at 8:20 pm

    I feel angry. Thank God for cold water pussy baths my newest blessing. Lol. Maybe one would come in handy now I feel lazy a lil tho

  35.  #37kismet on April 3, 2010 at 9:36 pm

    I find it interesting that since my boyfriend and I have been spending so much time together almost everyday, that I just naturally feel the need to pull away, get my own things done.
    1) There’s not much to talk about when I’m always with him, things get boring
    2) I’m starting to lose my goddess energy
    3) I want to know how I really feel, and give him time to consider how he really feels, which I’m sure is crazy in love with me

    That said, I disagree with Sheila. As Rori said, my boyfriend and I were on the same page on sex when it happened too early. We did not make a big deal out of it. Unlike some guys, he did not run away after it. He always cooks for me the morning after 🙂

    So he has my photo on his cellphone (I think any boyfriend should), he was at work at the club and girls kept hitting on him, so he would have to back them up by showing my photo. They’d assume and say that he’s in love with me without him saying it. I think that’s something lol.

  36.  #38mary on April 4, 2010 at 10:42 am

    Happy Easter!

  37.  #39Tina on April 4, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    Daria, whats a cold water pussy bath?

  38.  #40gina on April 4, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    I was just a really bad person today. I met with Danny (the head of the magazine) and I was a total brat. I don’t know why. I felt shut down and annoyed and I was mean.

  39.  #41Rori Raye on April 4, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    Welcome Eileen, And I look forward to reading more from you, Love, Rori

  40.  #42Daria on April 4, 2010 at 4:42 pm

    Tina –

    if i tell u. it will sound umm not as great as it is. ima tell u anyway.

    basically you sit on the toilet with a bucket of COLD water in front of you. You have to be warm tho. so wear double sox and a sweater.

    Then take a wash rag and using a lot of cold water, cool down the triangle area, and teh perineum area, basically the whole pussy area. keep bringing up cold water… and with the washrag rub down, to create friction.

    10 -20 min.

    1. u wont feel cold! – yes shocking but no, your body doesnt feel cold

    2. cooling down that core part of the body and with the friction gets the fat moving and starts pumpin out not goodie stuff into ur intestines, so that doing this twice a day for about 2 weeks will have u losing cellulite and slimming down

    3. even before all that happens, you will feel SO GOOD the whole day, feels like aches are going away, digestion is better, body starts focusing on healing. in fact when you’re sick this is the best time!

    It’s just awesome. oh God it really rocks!

    oh yeah after your done wrap up and do a lil leglifting or something to get body warming up.

    (and don’t do it right after eating)

    this woman named France Guillain talks a lot about this – in French –

    she says when we were natural, our pussy areas, or male areas were constantly getting cooled off by evaporation fo the sweat created there, and its simply not healthy for our perineum area to be hot the whole day

    all i can say is this is really having a FELT effect on me which i like A LOT.

  41.  #43Daria on April 4, 2010 at 4:43 pm

    oh yeah you want the bucket to be close to u so u dont have to keep bending down too much, that could mess up the circulation

  42.  #44gina on April 4, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    I told my parents about how I behaved, and my mom says that she feels embarrassed about how rude I can be and my dad says that the way I punish people for the way I feel about them is borderline evil. My roommate, who I have treated badly, but who is nice enough to still be a friend, says I have “Fuckoff Syndrome.” And that feels so very true. I just want to say “fuckoff” so quickly to so many people. I feel tempted to try to figure it out and analyze or justify, but the bottom line is that it isn’t working for me. The truth is that I’ve ruined many opportunities and relationships cause i was so quick to say “fuck off.” I feel crummy and bad and yet I don’t feel like sinking all low cause I’d rather float up and be free of this “syndrome” that feels heavy and androgynous and cold, calculating, judgmental, and bad. It started this morning when I felt exhausted when I woke up. And then I picked at my skin, and I felt even more like I wanted to hide. And then I got a phone call from him saying that he was going to bring weed to smoke, and I felt all weird cause I want to smoke cause I love pot, but I don’t want a romantic relationship with him and yet I feel reluctantly physically attracted to him and smoking pot just doesn’t seem smart. Then he said that he smoked a little bit of it, that it was super strong, and he wasn’t sure he recommended that I smoke it – I felt annoyed that I was going to be hanging out with him already a little high, I felt determined that I was not going to give into the temptation to smoke, and I felt resentful about it all (why??? I don’t know.) Once he got to my place he kept trying to “cheer me up” and for some reason that made me want to put up a heavy duty industrial strength wall – I really effing hate it when guys try to make me smile when I’m feeling turned off by them. I treated him like crap and by the end he was asking if I want to play a role as a partner, or if I want to play a role at all. When he took me home, he said that he felt so frustrated that he was about to cry!!! He left with tears in his eyes. We’ve spoken since and I apologized. He says he forgives me, but that he needed to let me know that I can’t treat him like that. I just got a text from him saying that he wants to work with me. that’s a relief. Cause I am super stoked about the magazine. But the energy between us felt so irritating. I intend to focus all my energy on caring about other people – I think this will help with all my relationships. I don’t want to be a bitch. And I know that I’m not 100% bitch. But, believe me, I have one hell of an inner ice queen of Bitch…

  43.  #45gina on April 4, 2010 at 5:07 pm

    Not sure if the following comment posted before…

    I told my parents about how I behaved, and my mom says that she feels embarrassed about how rude I can be and my dad says that the way I punish people for the way I feel about them is borderline evil. My roommate, who I have treated badly, but who is nice enough to still be a friend, says I have “Fuckoff Syndrome.” And that feels so very true. I just want to say “fuckoff” so quickly to so many people. I feel tempted to try to figure it out and analyze or justify, but the bottom line is that it isn’t working for me. The truth is that I’ve ruined many opportunities and relationships cause i was so quick to say “fuck off.” I feel crummy and bad and yet I don’t feel like sinking all low cause I’d rather float up and be free of this “syndrome” that feels heavy and androgynous and cold, calculating, judgmental, and bad. It started this morning when I felt exhausted when I woke up. And then I picked at my skin, and I felt even more like I wanted to hide. And then I got a phone call from him saying that he was going to bring weed to smoke, and I felt all weird cause I want to smoke cause I love pot, but I don’t want a romantic relationship with him and yet I feel reluctantly physically attracted to him and smoking pot just doesn’t seem smart. Then he said that he smoked a little bit of it, that it was super strong, and he wasn’t sure he recommended that I smoke it – I felt annoyed that I was going to be hanging out with him already a little high, I felt determined that I was not going to give into the temptation to smoke, and I felt resentful about it all (why??? I don’t know.) Once he got to my place he kept trying to “cheer me up” and for some reason that made me want to put up a heavy duty industrial strength wall – I really effing hate it when guys try to make me smile when I’m feeling turned off by them. I treated him like crap and by the end he was asking if I want to play a role as a partner, or if I want to play a role at all. When he took me home, he said that he felt so frustrated that he was about to cry!!! He left with tears in his eyes. We’ve spoken since and I apologized. He says he forgives me, but that he needed to let me know that I can’t treat him like that. I just got a text from him saying that he wants to work with me. that’s a relief. Cause I am super stoked about the magazine. But the energy between us felt so irritating. I intend to focus all my energy on caring about other people – I think this will help with all my relationships. I don’t want to be a bitch. And I know that I’m not 100% bitch. But, believe me, I have one hell of an inner ice queen of Bitch…

  44.  #46Tina on April 4, 2010 at 6:09 pm

    Daria, that’s interesting. I dunno if I’ll try that, I dont like the feeling of being cold “down there.” I’m liking the idea that it gets the fat cells moving out of my body though. I dont think it sounds gross, thanks 🙂

  45.  #47Tina on April 4, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    Daria, I might try it for my extra ten pounds along with my regular workouts. I’ll let you know. I just dont like my vagjayjay to feel cold 🙁

  46.  #48Tina on April 4, 2010 at 6:33 pm

    I have a basin, I’ll try it , just cause I feel like it oh but you say not after I eat. ok thats going on my list

    1. pussy bath
    2. naked karaoke
    3. naked dancing in front of the mirror (Allana Pratt)
    4. pole dancing 🙂

  47.  #49gina on April 4, 2010 at 10:35 pm

    what is going on?? I keep posting yet nothing shows up…

  48.  #50gina on April 4, 2010 at 10:35 pm

    still not working..weird…

  49.  #51tinque on April 5, 2010 at 8:24 am

    Katarina – about the breasts – the massage Daria mentions is something I’ve been doing daily for several years now. I can’t honestly say that it has made them larger.
    They seem to go through their own phases of being smaller and larger, sometimes from hormonal shifts and sometimes not.
    This massage does keep them firmer and perkier longer, as gravity wants to take over.
    I learned to do as Daria says, from the outside in, avoiding the nipples. It’s recommended anywhere from 180-360 circles.
    Imagine loving thoughts towards your breasts, AND do light Kegel squeezes as you’re massaging.
    I follow this with a nipple massage. You want to use the point on your palm where the palm comes to meet the pad at the base of the thumb, about halfway down the life line. Again 180-360 times.
    Also herbs to try: fenugreek brewed as tea. Lady’s Mantle infused into a good quality oil. I make my own. It grows wild as a weed everywhere. If you want to know how to infuse oil, let me know.
    I’ve also heard saw palmetto though generally know as a “male” herb, can increase breast size as well. I find it hard it hard on the stomach, and it was ineffective for me, but I have a friend who like it. She says it firms her breasts.
    Good luck.

  50.  #52EarthDancer on April 5, 2010 at 10:45 pm

    Hi Katarina & Daria:

    The breast & energy movement mentioned might be used in different practices/beliefs, but I’m more familiar with the Goddess use in Reiki…

    There is a lot of preparation to be done beforehand as it is a spiritual/mental/physical exercise for the flow of Chi related to personal spiritual growth and there are side effects such as cessation of menses if not done correctly…I gently suggest you speak to an Eastern practitioner, trained acupuncturist, or Reiki Master for full instruction 🙂

    …Blessings & Light, Sirens…Kathryn

  51.  #53Ingrid on April 5, 2010 at 10:54 pm

    What can you do to shrink your boobs? That’s what I need. lol…….

    Rori: I somehow feel that the models today are way too thin, and they can give young girls horrible feelings about their bodies and body image, especially if they’re not a size 0-3. I can see what you mean though about a model needing to have something inside to really be good. A confidence, and character, not just plastic looking. I don;t watch the show you mentioned, but I love Project Runway. I admire those creative designers so much, they are so talented.

    As far as attraction goes, I think it is much more than mere looks which attract a man and a woman. It’s some vibe……chemistry, that’s just there, and totally unexplainable.

  52.  #54MizDivaDee on April 6, 2010 at 2:55 am

    The last thing that my ex said to me was that I am “a crazy bitch”

    We had a big, big, ugly fight. It was violent – I smacked him. I got so angry at him for trying to make me jealous I could not believe it myself. He never say it coming. That was my Drama Queen, MizDivaDee that came out to protect me. I know that it was not right, and I will try not to ever do that again, because it was not good for me in the end. I’m ok – I think

    Anyway, when he came to, he called me on the phone, and accused me of being a “crazy bitch” That was about 2-3 weeks ago. Those words just stay in my mind. That was all I could hear, over and over and over. Until I read this post. And then I smiled – ever so slightly. Because no matter what he says – I’m Great!!

    This goes back to my Drama Queen, MizDivaDee – from another post – but again, the “crazy bitch” was just protecting me. I will embrace the “crazy bitch” and realize that she is great also.

    Sometimes we think that the man that we are with is the only one in the world. But there are others. I already got a date lined up, and guys are calling me. Boy do I need that attention right now – just a manly hug – Big hugs – I’m hugging myself also –

    Just easy stuff, nothing too heavy. I am going to start to circular date again soon, I want to take it slow. I need to heal.

    I just want to get the “crazy bitch” out of my head first and embrace her in my heart. Because no matter what – I’m Great!! I feel Great!! I Am Great!! over, and over, and over.

  53.  #55tinque on April 6, 2010 at 7:10 am

    Ingrid – Massaging as in the other exercise but in circles going from the inside to the outside as in outward circles and the same with the nipple massage.

  54.  #56tinque on April 6, 2010 at 7:12 am

    MizDivaDee – How about thinking of crazy bitch as a fun loving wild woman. That’s the image I get.
    I understand though when spoken in anger how words can hurt, but they are just that, words, bits of sound that can be released into the atmosphere.

  55.  #57Simply Shannon on April 6, 2010 at 7:37 am

    Subscribing for now!

  56.  #58Rachel on April 6, 2010 at 7:58 am

    After exchanging emails over the weekend (my guy is deployed), he thanked me for writing and said, “I needed my Rachel fix.”

    ??? Wow… how should I take that? I am leaning back and only wrote because he initiated. But I don’t feel like being somebody’s fix. Or maybe I’m reading too much into this? Maybe it’s just his cute way of saying that he misses me?

  57.  #59DocK on April 6, 2010 at 8:28 am

    “Crazy Bitch” by Buckcherry is one of my favorite songs.

    It’s good you’re not beating up on yourself over the slap. I’m not saying it should be the “go to” reaction but I remember slapping someone – I was just listening to the words – painful – and his demeanor – arrogant/cold – and it really just came from not knowing how to “sink into the feelings” or “fly up and away” – from that place that just didn’t know what to do with the pain. That happens sometimes.

    In terms of the boobies discussion – this is my “take” on any sort of physical change that I want to achieve (my discipline is mind/body/spirit connection)…

    I feel that my body is energy and that science supports that there is far more space between the particles than particles of “stuff” – that thought and belief can help us to change our outward appearance (within reason). If this weren’t true – we wouldn’t be able to go from a baby to toddler to adult. We’d just stay the same lump of mass as we came out.

    So if I wanted my breasts to be larger I would think/believe along the lines of…

    I feel grateful for my beautiful breasts and I know that they can expand into even more of what I love about them – lovingly and healthfully.

    something like that.

  58.  #60Lucy on April 6, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    Had an interesting realization last night while thinking about a man I am fond of who is not reciprocating. I realized I have held a LIMITING BELIEF about him. I have been believing subconsciously, “He is not good enough for me.”

    It’s funny, cuz I had worked through my limiting belief of “*I* am not good enough….” but it never occurred to me that I might be believing HE is not good enough!

    So I used Erika’s HBR to erase that belief and replace it with the belief that he IS good enough for me.

    Now I’ll see what happens from here…..


  59.  #61Neytiri on April 6, 2010 at 4:50 pm

    “You have a nice smile
    and you like to dance…
    I’m intrigued.”

    And without fail, at least HALF of them respond with “why are you intrigued?’

    B/c you have a nice smile AND you like to dance…

    Am I missing something?

  60.  #62Daria on April 6, 2010 at 5:06 pm

    Neytiri – round two:

    i feel confused. i feel intrigued by your profile…

  61.  #63Daria on April 6, 2010 at 5:07 pm

    ps – are you also sharing a feeling message before that?

  62.  #64Neytiri on April 6, 2010 at 5:11 pm

    Daria: Nope, just my first response, and they’re like “uhh, what are you intrigued?”

    WOW, i thought it was obvious from the first response.

  63.  #65Emily on April 6, 2010 at 5:12 pm

    Rachel! That is a huge compliment. He’s hooked on you! 🙂

  64.  #66Ingrid on April 6, 2010 at 5:25 pm

    Hi Rachel:

    Yes, I agree, he likes you. But let him take the lead, is my advice, men need to chase and be the pursue-ors. (sp?) I wish I knew this back when I met my hubby 25 years ago.

    MizDee: I agree, being called a crazy bitch can be miffing, but embrace that yes, you are a complex yet awesome woman. Do not let this get you down. We all have our wild sides~ and that’s good. we’re human.

    You would not believe what a crazy bitch I was when I found out about my husband’s cheating! I was crazy and beside myself. I turned into a maniac, I lost all control, and I slapped him too, it was terrible. I was sooooo hurt that my anger got the best of me. But looking back, I feel I could not help it. I was what I was back then, and I don’t need to regret it. Regrets are energy-drainers really. You live, and learn, and do things differently the next time.

  65.  #67Daria on April 6, 2010 at 5:39 pm

    Neytiri :

    try the Rori standard

    hi… i feel _____insert feeling message _______ to hear from you.

    or im feeling __________________ today

    then you can add if you want
    i like your eyes. or i like your style… or… you’re really handsome

    then add:

    im intrigued… or i feel intrigued… or i feel interested.

    the important part is to get into a “feeling state” and expressing that with a feeling message is great.

  66.  #68Ingrid on April 6, 2010 at 7:16 pm

    I like the idea of the topic of this thread. That no matter what he says or does, I feel great. Wow, this is positive energy, healing energy and definitely a positive, when we can all tend to be so insecure. I know I tend to be so insecure, don’t know about you all, but this is how I am.

    I like too, getting feeling messages across. I tried it with my hubby just recently, and I think it warded away what otherwise might have been fights and walls gone up between us. This is soooo nice.

    Thank you for this topic.

  67.  #69Cinnamon009 on April 7, 2010 at 1:12 am

    I want to embrace all the different parts of me but I’m struggling to accept my jealous parts. I have been seeing a guy for 6 months and lately he’s been really distant and cold and my jealous part made me want to check out dating sites to see if he was there. He was on them but I couldn’t tell how long ago.
    Anyway long story short, I’ve been using rori’s tools and leaning back and it was working really well. But then… the jealous part of me said to him that I was uncomfortable dating someone who after being with me for 6 months still had live searchable profiles on dating websites. He got angry at the fact that I had looked said he wasn’t using them and it said alot about me that I had looked. End of relationship. That was a week ago and I haven’t heard from him since.

    How do I embrace this part of me that has just cost me another relationship? Was it a reasonable boundary or a jealous need? and what do I do now to get him back? Very confused and feeling really hurt.

  68.  #70Jennifer on April 7, 2010 at 3:29 am

    Hi Rori and all…

    I’m new here and I’m feeling better and better with each day! It has been so good reading everyone’s posts and comments. I feel like I am not the girl whose head spins around and spews green peas anymore. Ha! It’s funny how men can make you feel crazy when you know you’re not. I’ve devoured the e-book and just started reading the blogs…And I am anxiously waiting for the Modern Siren program to come in the mail. My story has been written before–but I moved all the way to Australia (from the States) for a guy even tho I told myself and friends that he wasn’t the reason, just the catalyst. Lie. He has been dating other women since I arrived and I’ve put up with it only because he never promised me anything and I never set any boundaries. As of last week, I put an end to the “friends with benefits” thing but I did it via text and it didn’t feel good. He is supposed to come over tonight to pick up some things but I really don’t want to see him. I want to be stronger and more in control. But I still want to see him! Ugh. I’ve written out my feelings and have felt so much better…it’s amazing what just writing can do! I also just signed up for online dating but need to get my fantastic profile tweaked to reflect my inner Siren. Wish me a soft outside and and a strong inside when I see him tonight….

  69.  #71mary on April 7, 2010 at 8:43 am

    Hey there!

    I’m just saying hi. My test was passed, my trips are over and my taxes are filed.

    Just a quick question:

    There is a cool area of town where there are some coffee shops and lots of people always there socializing. The Starbucks there is always buzzing, and my ex – R – spends a lot of his time there. He’s semi-retired, and he sits and reads and talks with whoever is around.

    Just down the street, a philosophy club is getting ready to start – it starts April 14th! I would SO LIKE TO GO! I was a member of the other philosophy club, and went for years. That’s where I met R in the first place. When we dated, I would go to the club and he would usually stay home. He said it wasn’t really his thing. But now it’s starting up in his neighborhood, and he has more time on his hands, and he’s looking for women. So I know he’ll go.

    Go or not go? I can’t figure it out! I’d like to be there at its inception. I don’t want it to look like I’m following R around. I’m going No Contact with him, so I don’t want to announce to him that I’ll be going, but I would like to be part of this new thing. Should I just respect his territory? I usually don’t go over there because he lives there.

    But aren’t those days so OVER? I mean, I shouldn’t even be thinking about him! If he shows up, he shows up.

    Could be difficult. Any thoughts?

  70.  #72mary on April 7, 2010 at 8:48 am

    You know what?

    I just walked across the room and knew the answer.

    I can’t go right now. I’ll have to jump in later, when I’m more settled. Later it won’t matter. Now my heart has to mend. I must do whatever it takes to make that happen. No more energy going to R. Just concentrate on new friends, new career, new men… and keep the old friends, too.

    I am so fine with it ending with R. It was dramatic for a while! And thanks to everyone who helped me through! I think the drama was intensified because of the other things I was trying to accomplish. But now those things are done!

    I must already be on my horse. And I have already travelled a great distance.

    Feels good.

    Thanks, sirens.

  71.  #73heartbeat on April 7, 2010 at 12:05 pm

    Hugs, Mary. I would probably make the same decision. Baby steps feel good. It feels like making changes to how we ‘normally’ do things – but which take care of ourselves and our healing. xx

  72.  #74Neytiri on April 7, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    Thought I’d post a discussion Im having with someone who contacted me online, and asked me to call him.

    Instead I mentioned that I would prefer him to call me to start.

    This lead to the following discussion, Very interesting. I always welcome a man’s opinion, even if I don’t agree wholeheartedly.

    “huh? what difference does it make about who calls first, lol. In 2010 there is nothing wrong with a woman calling a man. The world will not think any less of you
    Anyway,I called. I guess you were busy. Your turn.”

    The only thing wrong with a woman calling a man first is that it makes me feel like
    Im chasing a man. I aint chasing you..

    Im not a man, and Im pretty sure you don’t want a man dressed in a woman’s body,
    so I like to feel feminine.

    Im glad to hear that the world wont think any less of me, but the truth is I dont care
    if the world thinks less of me for that.

    BTW I didnt see any missed calls. When did you call me?

    You equate making the first call to:
    1. chasing a man and
    2. making you look like a man in a woman’s body?

    Why would you assume that I would see you as a man just because you called me first? Let’s not mention the fact that I contacted you first, but that’s another story. That is a reeeeaaalllllyyy old fashioned view point, but if that your mindset then to each his/her own, lol.

    My two cents…

    In modern times the pursuit of an attraction between to people should be mutual. If a woman is just sitting back taking it easy, not making any effort and expecting the pieces of a relationship to just fall into place in her lap then she will certainly be plagued with a have a string of disappointments in life.

    You will find that more and more men are fed up with dealing with women who are desperately trying to hold on to outdated dating rituals that are totally out of sync with modern times. I mean silly things like, making the first call, saying hello first, paying for a dinner or giving a gift.

    A lot of women seem to think that if they don’t do those things or if they don’t do them “FIRST” then either they will be spared the shame of looking like a desperate women or that it would somehow ruin their femininity for all eternity.

    Good men want women who are progressive, but yet feminine. We seek a partner in life; an asset, not a liability. We don’t chase women who play hide and go seek games like it’s the 1940’s.

    You will be surprised how many men really appreciate a woman who has freed herself from that repressive mindset. Don’t get it wrong now. We do like to open doors and give gifts and such, but we like attention too and most women have no clue about how to make a man feel special. That is a fact. They can tell you everything in the book about what a man is suppose to do for a woman, but not what they should do for their man…hmmmmm

    Yes, you will always have those old school dudes who would rather place a woman in a dependant state by trying to dominate her or by trying to buy her. You will also always have those women who claim to be modern and independent, but have not clue as to what team work in a relationship is about. So is the world as we know it…but there is HOPE!!!

    Ok, that was more like a quarter than two cents, lol”


    I actually agree with most of what he says, so perhaps I didn’t make myself clear. All of that aside, the truth is if he’s interested enough in getting to know me, then he can pick up the phone and call me. And he knows that….

    Im ready to call him out on his bullshit.

  73.  #75Daria on April 7, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    Neytiri –

    yes ma’m. sounds like a ‘typical’ man thought. they miss the “romance” part. hey… we miss the romance part – or did pre rori.

    but the point is… underneath all our thinking, we NEED the romance part for attraction.

    so argue it if they must, they will still have to slay the dragon, for all the yelling they are doing at the tower telling the princess it’s more modern to just come down and open the door for them lol.

  74.  #76Daria on April 7, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    I practice not falling into the Explaining part of it — then it turns into mind wrestling and it feels bad. I feel judged when guys start tlaking about… women these days, or blah blah!

    huh? you dont know ME! I dont want to hear about women these days.. geez!

    he sounds like a “difficult” man to me, i have lots of those

  75.  #77Daria on April 7, 2010 at 12:52 pm

    I know what I can do for my man – lol

    Be Myself!


    and Be real.

    and Be open.

    Tadah!! not enough? PLEAZE keep it steppin to the left

  76.  #78Rori Raye on April 7, 2010 at 1:42 pm

    Cinnamon009 – Welcome – and I say GOOD RIDDANCE about this guy! Love, Rori

  77.  #79dorothea on April 7, 2010 at 2:55 pm

    urggghhh i feel like i’m getting sucked into the girlfriend trap with a guy because we are so affectionate to each other, always saying i like u so much blah blah blah.

    i got asked out by another guy. feeling really guilty like i’m cheating.

  78.  #80Dan_Brodribb on April 7, 2010 at 3:39 pm

    Neytiri- I agree with a lot of what he says also (I don’t feel compatible with “all-feminine energy all-the-time” women), but I wish he’d responded differently. If who calls who really isn’t a big deal for him, why did he turn it into one? It felt like the conversation escalated into a power struggle, and I try not to do those anymore.

    I think it’s important to be careful online because since there’s no tone or body language, we tend to read things into words that maybe aren’t intended. “The only thing wrong with a woman calling a man first is that it makes me feel like
    Im chasing a man” felt great, but a lot of what followed would have sounded alarms for me.

  79.  #81Lucy on April 7, 2010 at 3:47 pm

    Hmmm. That feels interesting to me: ‘I don’t feel compatible with “all-feminine energy all-the-time” women.’


  80.  #82Daria on April 7, 2010 at 4:07 pm

    Well Dan seems kinda feminine energy to me.

  81.  #83Daria on April 7, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    Hey thanks Dan. i feel glad to hear more would have sounded alarms from u.

    that makes sense. single feeling message is good, b ut more gose into explaining…

  82.  #84Daria on April 7, 2010 at 7:13 pm

    I have a (pretty good compared to before) problem.

    I like this guy. he came to see me 3 times at first. he doesnt have a car so he had to borrow his friend’s (who came with him). that was good.

    but then i wound up driving to him, on a fluke. and then i did it again cuz it was fun.

    and then i did it again.

    now he wants me to go again.

    i’m feeling SO GOOD around him!!

    I don’t want to drive.

    I feel sad thinking i will lose him.

    aack – he has no car! i feel sad …

    – yes i know i sound crazy haha – well it’s great to actually get a guy whos AWESOME to be around. he cares for my feelings, and i feel like i can be real with him.

    he’s like my ex except no bs. but he still doesnt have a car.


  83.  #85Daria on April 7, 2010 at 7:15 pm

    lol i feel like im totally getting INTO Him. hehhe… i feel feel good feelings. i feel comforted by his presence and im using him as a soother.


    i feel sad that im gonna “hurt myself a lil bit” by pulling back!

  84.  #86Daria on April 7, 2010 at 7:16 pm

    this is new! finally im getting men im attracted to big time! thank you universe ! and that i feel good around.

    now i want them to be ABLE as well as willing to do stuff for me and lead me to that ever after relationship!

    thank you!!

  85.  #87Siena on April 7, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    Daria, you crack me up girl. Your last post felt really light and humorous. I know you’re totally serious, but if I were the Universe (haha) I’d give you whatever you ask for just because you’re so cute and lighthearted about it! Look out, you’re gonna get what you’re asking for!!

  86.  #88Triza on April 7, 2010 at 8:22 pm

    Yay….and i love how you described the feelings.Authentic and effortless…
    I ma reminding myself that the more i feel good about myself and the more i accept me unconditionally,the easier it gets in attracting situations that mirror that.

  87.  #89Daria on April 8, 2010 at 1:54 am

    Siena and Triza – thank you Goddesses!

    I feel so uplifted that you liked these posts!

    I was all set out here to say how I feel sad becaues I tried to “talk” to the guy about not driving to him… and feel like i got “lost”

    because I really really really like him! a LOT. more than i’ve liked a man in awhile!


    i don’t want to not have formal romantic dates.

    and I got all lost thinking when he said


    why can’t i just call you and ask you to come see me – whats wrong with that?

    im the one who calls you…you dont call me

    ok so “i see his point”

    and thats not too good

    i want to see my own point. I feel like “im asking too much” by expecting guys to have cars and be able to take me out…

    many men seem to think so too…



    see… I really like this man and I feel so GOOD around him. my body relaxes. it feels nice.

    but i dont want to drive to him.

    i feel a lil confused.

    i was going to ask for help and now I don’t even know what to ask for.

    HELP its like im lost because i LIKE HIM! its like i can barely remember my boundaries

    all i know is if i just drive 10 minutes i’ll be with him and feeling good.

    i feel like im being hardheaded not to.

    but i also feel sad that i have to.

    ah… confusion.

    i feel really glad he didnt pick up tonite when i was gonna stop by … he asked me to…

    but he didnt pick up when i was driving by YES

    so im just gonna lean back,

    though i think he will “think i am playing” like he said… which im not…

    and that felt bad!

    i feel afraid… i feel like im falling in really quickly!!!

    i want marriage, but will i get there if i expect guys to “just” take me on dates?

    i think thats unreasonable.

    BUT it would feel lovely.

    and i want it.

    so im gonna sacrifice mr i feel soothed around.

    and soothe myself

    he can get me if he wants

    and if hes heartbroken and doesnt want me well then.

    he was def a step in teh good feeling direction

  88.  #90Daria on April 8, 2010 at 2:00 am

    OMGOSH – i just read my own post:

    “see… I really like this man and I feel so GOOD around him. my body relaxes. it feels nice.”

    this sounds like SEX!!

    “all i know is if i just drive 10 minutes i’ll be with him and feeling good.”

    this sounds like im willing to drive to a man so i’ll have sex!

    which i did use to be haha. and which i also last did with Dman! and that didn’t turn out to feel good!!

    HELLO!!!! im back!!! i GET IT NOW! im gonna lean back!!!

    wow i just totally turned myself off out of lalaland remembering that

    (geez i feel shocked how easy it was to start slipping off the bridge when i like a man, and i’ve only known him for a few weeks!! really makes me realize what it’s like for some other Goddesses who’ve been knowing the men they’re dating for much longer — wow !)

  89.  #91Daria on April 8, 2010 at 2:21 am


    Dman just shows up online NOW! and says:

    sorry bout thae way i got at u the other day i was mad but not becoue ove u it was somethen els

    WOW! he kinda blamed me for not coming through last time … even tho i had said it was unsure.



    i love it when men apologize when its honest – yay….

    I said: “okay. thank you for apologizing”

  90.  #92Daria on April 8, 2010 at 2:36 am

    From Business Coach Iyabo Asani’s e-letter:

    Well, let me tell you something Oprah said. She said something like, ‘When someone asks you to do something and you say no, and the person refuses to accept your no and instead tries to convince you to do what they want, it has gone from a request to control.


    If you do not set boundaries, you will build walls.!!!!

    this one is GOOD!


  91.  #93Neytiri on April 8, 2010 at 7:59 am

    Dan, thank you for your input. I really do value what men have to say regarding these types of discussions. Men and women are wired so differently that it just makes things so much easier when we all seek to understand those differences between men and women, so if I stop and listen, I may walk away with an insight I didn’t have before.

    That said, I also wish he had responded differently. The truth is I feel like we’re getting into an arbitrary discussion, and the entire point of online dating has somewho been bypassed.

    I would like to hear your what is was in my words that caused the alarms to go off. I absolutely agree that without hearing a person’s voice tone or seeing a person’s facial expressions, there is certainly a lot of room for misinterpretation. However, if I have red flags Im throwing out that Im not even aware of…

    Its time to heal that.

  92.  #94dan_brodribb on April 8, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    Neytiri – I wouldn’t worry about the words specifically. I think you should say or write honestly. It will save both you and the guy a lot of time.

    With regards to the exchange, I think all of us have things we’re sensitive to, and when that spot gets poked we have a tendency to come back at people a little stronger than usual.

    “The only thing wrong with a woman calling a man first is that it makes me feel like
    Im chasing a man” felt fine to me, but everything after that…I got the feeling that he had “pushed one of your buttons” and you were defending yourself.

    Which in turn pushed one of his buttons and instead of letting it go, he came back with The Great 2010 Gender-Relations Manifesto. And the next thing you know you’re staring at each other across this giant divide, bypassing the point, as you said.

  93.  #95dan_brodribb on April 8, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    Lucy – I don’t know if it’s ‘interesting’ or not, but it’s hard to argue with the evidence 🙂

  94.  #96Lucy on April 8, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    It’s very interesting to me, Dan. It makes me wonder about the implications. E.g., maybe the guy I like would like me better if I wasn’t all feminine energy all the time. In other words, if I was more my old self, pre-Rori. (Yikes!)


  95.  #97Lucy on April 8, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    And, IF what Daria says is true, that you, Dan, are a bit “feminine-energy” — well, what if the guy I like is a lil that way, too, and I like him anyway, in spite of “feminine energy” (which I don’t see in him at all, but don’t see in you, either), then does that mean I will be less attractive to him if I am always in my feminine energy?

  96.  #98Neytiri on April 8, 2010 at 4:34 pm

    I seem to remember Gina Ratliffe mentioning that we need to be able to access the masculine within us, and that our masculine energy will help attract a king to us, as she puts it, but that he doesn’t want us using that skill-set with us.

    And Rori mentions our boy energy with regards to Circular Dating, being in to our girl energy, so we need to access that masculine/boy part of us.

    We really need that.

    We just don’t need to be in our masculine when we are on a date, for example, or when he’s giving to us. It feels better (to both men and women) to be in our femininity at those times.

  97.  #99Neytiri on April 8, 2010 at 4:35 pm

    Oooppsss…meant that skill-set with HIM.


  98.  #100cookie on April 8, 2010 at 6:11 pm

    Hi ladies,
    I’ve been away for awhile but I’ve been reading along. I have a question. I’m sure it has already been answered somewhere on this site so pardon me for the reduncancy in advance. But… The recession has hit my guy very hard. He is still employed but his pay has reduced severely and he struggles with some depression because of it. Our together time has suffered in some ways because of it as well because we don’t go out much but I’m ok with that because I go out often with friends or coworkers. So I don’t mind watching dvds or eating home cooking when I’m with him. We are still pretty affectionate and have a good time when we are together. Sometimes its really rough though particularly when he is dead broke, his whole demeanor is angry and off putting and miserable. I can’t help but respond to it because it feels like that is what I’m supposed to do. Reach out and help or hold or try to make feel better. But I’ve learned from Rori that I shouldn’t do what feels natural to me because that would be overfunctioning. Now doing that doesn’t feel good to me, I feel like I stop and think about what I’m feeling about helping others esp him before doing so. I think about why I’m reaching out and could I live with not getting anything even appreciation in return if I do I’ve leaned back some but others time I feel extremely guilty. Like with my guy, I don’t like getting into financial issues with people esp men. I don’t borrow and I don’t loan. If I give I give because I don’t expect repayment. This is how I was raised. I don’t want to financially support my man but I have more than him right now. Sometimes I want to offer him a few dollars or buy him something but I pull back and don’t offer because I feel like doing so may devalue me. I’m not his mommy or loan officer. But I don’t want him to feel alone or like he doesn’t have support. On the other hand when I think of what I would happen in this situation, I realize that in all the 8 and a half years we’ve been together he has been the one always in these situations and I never have. When I don’t have enough money I get a second or third job to make sure I’m good. I save, budget, etc so it wouldn’t be me. At the same time, I don’t know what my role should be here. I know that I should turn my attention to myself in these times but sometimes that’s really hard. This is not a new relationship. I want to believe money isn’t everything but.. Is anyone out there going through some version of this? How do you show support without leaning forward?

  99.  #101dorothea on April 8, 2010 at 8:20 pm

    I would focus on appreciating him as man. Telling him how nice his strong hands or arms around you feel, how safe you feel when you’re with him in public, how hard he does work, how when he kisses you in a certain place, it always makes you feel like such a girl, and so on and so forth. For the most part, you tell him these things WHEN he does them, Be present.

    Don’t bother yourself worrying about whether you as a feminine creature should loan him money. Just be in the present with him and show him appreciation (support) for his masculinity as he exercises it in ways like I described above. This is a beautiful, much subtler, and effective gift to offer in support.

    If he reacts with sarcasm or even anger, it is tempting to respond in kind or withdraw. His anger isn’t about you, so please just smile innocently and maybe give him a kiss on the cheek and forget about it. You will find yourself more and more easily not worrying about how to fix his situation, and you will doing him an awesome service without doing anything at all except receiving from him and feeling appreciative.

  100.  #102Daria on April 8, 2010 at 9:42 pm

    so i hung out with two of my “drunkie” friends and now they are hanging out togehter (drunk) lol!

    how funny

    this always happens, people i introduce become friends hehe…

    more friends yo quiero — and not drunkie thank you

  101.  #103mary on April 9, 2010 at 12:22 am


    I’m getting out there! Going on coffee dates. My way to do this is to be vaguely curious.

    Curious about:

    what life brings to me in the way of experiences (as I’m also on the cusp of getting started in real estate – curiosity there, too!)

    who I encounter (through all of my efforts and through no efforts at all)

    and how I feel about everything and everyone.

    It’s a get to know the new mary thing! And it’s a create the new mary thing! I’m wondering who she’ll become.

    In some way I’ve lost a sense of neediness and “I want”ness. I don’t know how that happened. Maybe I don’t care any more? Been through too much drama and trauma?

    I don’t know. But this is good.

  102.  #104mary on April 9, 2010 at 12:24 am

    So I wrote my first email letting a guy know I was not interested. I’ve never done that before. I’ve always just gone on another date, looked for the good in the guy (similar to doing Rori’s tools, but this was pre-Rori,) and refused to kiss him. Eventually he’d quit asking me out.

    This time, I said this: “I want to tell you that although I enjoyed meeting you, and would love to see you at the photography club, I’m looking for someone who connects with my interests, talents and personality in a different way. It might be a while before I find that connection, but I want to keep looking for it. I hope you find exactly what you’re looking for, too.” He didn’t answer.

    It felt foreign and strange to say NO to the idea of more dates with him. I could have used his interest in me to get more interested in myself, or to practice on him, but I decided that I wouldn’t like someone doing that with me who wasn’t really interested, so I just told him the truth. I felt guilty and remorseful and free and ready for NEXT. I will practice The Tools when I’m in the moment, on a date, as Rori suggests, not after I’ve decided NO.

    Who would have ever thought that at my age I would be “out there?” It’s crazy.

    But kinda fun. Let me see… I have three or four dates planned this week. Should be interesting.

  103.  #105heartbeat on April 9, 2010 at 12:24 am

    Cookie – I agree with Dorothea – what you are doing sounds great! Plus, I can answer you ‘straight from the horse’s mouth’ –

    In my last relationship he kept getting laid off. I had way more money than him, my own home, good pay etc. I’d already been reading here, so I did as you are doing, but – ugh – the pull of old conditioning was making me feel churned up. One evening I said to him “I feel so helpless – I was brought up to always help out, etc etc… I feel unsure what I should be doing here, what do you think?” And he said “Just listen. Offering me money or anything would feel terrible”.

    So there you go! Give yourself a big hug 🙂 xx

  104.  #106heartbeat on April 9, 2010 at 12:27 am

    Mary – me too! All of it, my age, saying no, being curious. xx

  105.  #107mary on April 9, 2010 at 12:38 am

    Oh! Neytiri…

    Girl energy, boy energy.

    I think of it as head and heart. From now on, my heart is going to have to take orders from my head. My head will do the things like deciding and protecting and making sure I’ve got the right guy. Once that’s decided, my heart will go on the date! Then after the date, my head will analyze how it went, and get valuable information from my heart in order to keep deciding. And so on.

    While I’m on the date, my head will be letting go (if all goes according to plan.) Not only will I be leaning back with the man, and letting him do his thing, but my head will be leaning back while I’m with him, and letting my heart do its thing. My heart knows how to respond to the man. No problem! It’s my head that gets in the way.

    My heart believes all things. Fears nothing. Thinks the best. Falls in love. Has no boundaries. Never says no. Gives, gives and gives. And that, without the protection of my head, is what happened to me before! Not to go there again. So I’ve put my head in charge but my heart can do it’s thing ONLY WHEN MY HEAD SAYS OKAY.

    Hope that works! I’ll let you know…

  106.  #108mary on April 9, 2010 at 12:43 am

    Hey Heartbeat, and thank you for that backup on not going to the philosophy club. Oh! I’m still upset about that! But it’s meeting right next to his Starbucks, and he goes there every day and hangs out. It’s his part of town, really. Oh well… (sigh…)

    So what do you think of this? There’s this guy from my previous Craigslist escapade that I do really quite like. He’s TWENTY YEARS YOUNGER and says I’m hot. I’d really like to kiss him, but my HEAD SAYS NO.

    My head is trying to protect my heart. And I’ve decided to listen. But I’m having a hard time. Maybe I’ll wait a week and see how things go with the other dates! Oh my. My heart says, “just one kiss…”

    What do you think?

  107.  #109heartbeat on April 9, 2010 at 12:55 am

    Hi Mary – lol! – I have a similar thing, and what’s with the younger guys?! Haha great boost for my ego, though!

    To be honest – I’m just practicing feeling all my different parts – head, heart, gut – and making choices as experiments. I’m trying to learn the difference between my intuition and reactivity. Like you, I just give it a bit of time, practice on email only, total honesty but also have some lighthearted flirting. Not much more than that though.

    A much-younger guy might feel like a stepping stone on my road, rather than a final destination.

  108.  #110heartbeat on April 9, 2010 at 12:57 am

    I tend to feel more concerned about protecting HIS heart lol!

  109.  #111Daria on April 9, 2010 at 1:29 am

    Mary –

    oh no!!

    “but I decided that I wouldn’t like someone doing that with me who wasn’t really interested”

    oh no!

    this isn’t what it’s about!! your presence is a blessing to him! you see you are the Goddess.

    its not about how it would feel to him if he was in your shoes, or you in his, because you NEVER WILL BE!!! you are the princess in the tower. he is one of the men competing to slay the dragon.

    Men and Women are different.

    you can say no to him, but just realize you DID HIM NO FAVORS. you are now denying him the opportunity to be around a Goddess.


    you could’ve practiced with him.

    you could’ve told him: i don’t feel romantically attracted at this time… and it feels kinda fun spending time with you, but im feeling a lil uncomfortable since im not feeling the romantic stuff … what do you think?

    you could even tell him… i dont want to see you anymore (like you did).

    but the reason??? NOT BECAUSE YOURE DOING HIM A FAVOR. not because you wouldn’t want him to do it to you… um… hes a man. totally different.

    this is actually a HUGE DEAL. my tummy feels turny.

    step up your esteem. Respect the guy! don’t get into HIS feelings. stay with YOURS.

    Open and share. he’s big and strong like a big hunk of rock. youre soft and pretty like a winged flower fairy.

    its perfectly understanding that you might say… hey rock, i feel not attracted to you, i feel better around flowers, and it still feels cool to be around flowers near you rock

    the rock is not gonna get his feelings hurt that youre not throwing yourself at it, or that you’re not feeling it with him, the rock is really NOT ABOUT FEELINGS!

    the rock is about ROCKINESS!


    i feel intense





    speaking of which im now going to address that guy that i told him im not attracted to him.

    he keeps iming me.

    and yes i felt icky kissing him.

    so i dont know. im gonna tell him its cool but i feel icky romantically.

    still tweaking.

  110.  #112Daria on April 9, 2010 at 1:31 am

    Mary what was his message?

    and how can you reword your message to him in feeling messages and dont wants?

  111.  #113Daria on April 9, 2010 at 1:33 am

    okay… I um… didnt do it very feeling messagy lol kina blamy

    i said

    i feel weird just getting messages on myspace. iknow you have my #

  112.  #114Daria on April 9, 2010 at 1:34 am

    Heartbeat –

    “I tend to feel more concerned about protecting HIS heart lol!”

    NOOOO!!!!!! Daria bangs head on wall figuratively

  113.  #115Daria on April 9, 2010 at 1:37 am

    Mary –

    please kiss any guy you go out with on a first date that tries to kiss you, as long as you don’t feel completely icky — from Rori

    open up ladies… cut the shyness… come on come on… im feeling impatient here

    ps the heart ALWAYS belongs to YOU Mary. Beats for YOU. might jump to a man but just let it jump in your chest jumping towards him, and know its Burning and beating and dancing for YOU

  114.  #116Daria on April 9, 2010 at 1:53 am

    ok time to Walk the Walk:

    he writes: sorry i didnt know if it was ok to call you. i miss you tho. i wanna make us work

    here’s what i said to him now:

    hmm… i feel good that you like me, the truth is im not really feelin romantically attracted to you rite now…

    an i feel really uncomfortable sayin this… i dont like that youre pretty big and i didnt get the impression u were planning on losin weight… and you have a right to be what size u want… its just that i usually like skinny men…

    an i get the impression that ur insecure about it since you asked me about it several times before… as well as other stuff for example like saying u dont know if its ok to call… and that feels kinda uncomfortable and i feel turned off

    aack! im feeling super scared now! i feel scared he’s gonna turn on me and attack me for “hurting his feelings”

    AHA! so that’s what’s behind this

  115.  #117Daria on April 9, 2010 at 1:54 am

    the guilt is actually me feeling afraid of his anger!!!


    gold mine!!!

  116.  #118Cinnamon on April 9, 2010 at 1:57 am

    Really interested to see this thread re not seeing a guy I might not be too interested in. I used to do just that. From rori’s tools I now think that by doing his thinking and deciding for him I was overfunctioning and not trusting him as a grown man to make his own decisions.
    All we can do is be open and honest about how we are feeling at that time (this isn’t about leading someone on) and let him make his own decisions. If he still wants to hang out after you have given him a feeling message and it fits with your schedule and you do enjoy his company then see him. If you turn down all these guys when the one you want to spend time with comes along you will be sat there waiting and we all know how that turns a guy off!

  117.  #119Daria on April 9, 2010 at 1:57 am

    now im feeling MORE attracted to him! whoa!!

    now im getting flashbacks of Transformer man, and feeling afriad to “hurt him” and remembering Rori saying that this is just us being afraid of his anger in some program

    woop wopp


    i feel excited!! i feel excited!!!

    im respecting him!!! im telling the truth!! i dont WANT to hurt him, so im NOT going to hurt him by being truthful. hes a man…. i can give it to him real… oh yeeeeeeeeeeeah

    real is real is real….

    im now finding him attractive looking at a picture of his arm hehe… guess that cleared the air… wow


    i feel afraid of being judged like look at that dumb ass silly girl talking about i respected him when she really hurt his feelings…


    thank u nv.

    love u

  118.  #120Daria on April 9, 2010 at 1:58 am

    Cinnamon – YES very clear and to the point exactly .

  119.  #121Daria on April 9, 2010 at 2:01 am

    ok heres what he said:

    its good ima big guy thats who i am i work out all the time so i dont know what to say. and yea i aint talked to you in a minute so i didnt know if you wanted me to call. im not insecure i ask cause i wanted to know if you was into me. now i know the truth so i wont ask again

    ok but i had told him that before, minus the big guy stuff. he was the one who had asked me before. and i do think hes insecure. or rather i would say i feel uncomfortable

    so yeah. i don’t know aobut this but i feel glad i told him straight, and then he told me straight now

    so i dont know… i feel compelled to answer and say something like… wait i still like u now lol


    im just gonna lean back a lil

  120.  #122Daria on April 9, 2010 at 2:14 am

    does anyone know how i could tweak this so i dont tell him “youre insecure” ? but rather use my feelings ? or did i do it right. he seems like he’s defensive about that, jsut like he was last time i told him

    oh i just did another scary thing.

    one of my friends from that car where someone stole my ipod, the one person i havent talked to, wrote me…

    and i flat out told him someone stole it, it hurt and

    i think its YOU.

    and i dont know if it is but i feel mad someone i love stole it and im gonna tell the truth

    so i feel afraid my friend is now gonna attack me like you stupid bitch nobody stole your ipod but I LOVE MY NVS!!!

  121.  #123heartbeat on April 9, 2010 at 2:20 am

    Daria – yeah I KNOW – that’s why I’m laughing! 🙂

    Following your thread and relating; practicing same stuff too. Fabulous thank you for it all. Feels good! Growing, healing, dancing.

    Going offline now, dash dash… 10.20am xxxxxxxx

  122.  #124heartbeat on April 9, 2010 at 2:23 am

    Daria – I know you’re gonna answer this yourself – you ‘think’ he’s insecure, but how do you feel? I’m exploring the same – how do I feel around an insecure guy. Well, pressure, for a start…

    (I’ll stay on for a bit longer)

  123.  #125heartbeat on April 9, 2010 at 2:24 am

    ….like I’m under a spotlight – trapped, tight

  124.  #126Daria on April 9, 2010 at 2:25 am

    AHa – i feel uncomfortable reading his response

    thoughts: it sounds defensive. he’s kina hurt.

    well feelings: uncomfortable! guilty a lil bit.

    so yeah that doesnt feel good!!! i’ve told other men shit they didnt like and they responded in ways that felt good or not, but this doenst feel too good

    because he IS INSECURE. thank you for that voice.

    or because it just doesnt feel good.

  125.  #127Daria on April 9, 2010 at 2:25 am

    omgosh Heartbeat you psychic Goddess. how do you know i was answering that myself while you were writing?

  126.  #128Daria on April 9, 2010 at 2:27 am

    aha!! wow Hearbeat! like im under a spotlight, trapped, tight — wow that is such a cool image.

    i feel… jumpy like i shoud just do a quick run around the room, like i should jump forward and soothe

    i feel uncomfortable, i feel tight in my face and tummy… i feel like a lil sad

  127.  #129Daria on April 9, 2010 at 2:31 am

    I just LOVE waht Cinnamon wrote. I am rereading it and loving it… i feel energized and i feel clear reading it

  128.  #130heartbeat on April 9, 2010 at 2:32 am

    I feel engulfed when a guy I’ve met changes his ideas, humour etc to match mine. Or he keeps apologising, talking himself down etc. Or what he says doesn’t match what he’s doing. Yeah I start thinking he’s insecure. Once upon a time I’d have ‘thought’ it was sweet and shoehorned myself in.

    Last night I responded to eco-builder’s text ‘I don’t want to get into smart/stupid stuff – I feel weird’ – he keeps using words related to me being smart and him being stupid. Like ‘ok you win’ – well alright that could be a fun tease, and I responded with ‘teaser!:)’ but then it came up again…and not for the first time, so I feel turned off.

  129.  #131heartbeat on April 9, 2010 at 2:34 am

    Haha Daria we are typing at the same time! Yeah yeah I feel the same stuff!

    It feels good to share 🙂

    thank you xx

  130.  #132Daria on April 9, 2010 at 2:34 am

    hearbeat – i feel fascinated … this is very helpful

  131.  #133heartbeat on April 9, 2010 at 2:37 am

    I feel happy I didn’t try and rescue him. I left a space for me to be me, and him to solve his own issue. I trust my intuition there is something there, even though I don’t know the exact detail. I feel light, and relieved.

    And now I can look forward to hanging out my washing in the sun again.

    Wouldn’t this be a cool film?

  132.  #134heartbeat on April 9, 2010 at 2:40 am

    Now I know how guys feel when I get insecure. Message = hold on to yourself, heartbeat! (repeat endlessly)

  133.  #135heartbeat on April 9, 2010 at 2:51 am

    And here comes Mr Hound – ‘why you changed? I’m shocked! anyway we learn from our mistakes, people not always same inside as outside’

    Oh yeah, you really got to know me in an hour!

    I feel sarcastic, pressured.

    Gee I used to do this! (But not after such a short time – universe is sending me extreme examples) I feel embarrassed!

  134.  #136Daria on April 9, 2010 at 2:52 am

    Hearbeat – hehe. that reminds me of switch words.

    anyone ever heard of them?

    you jsut repeat one or two in your mind all day, points your mind in that way.

    for example

    for love you can use:


    or even better

    together love

    or just


    for health:


    for money:


    so i tried this and it did make a shift for me when i was doing together love

    ohhhh and a good one i used a lot, and now forgot


    for a negative thought!


    or i just made one i realized i was using:


    no mater whats going on, its always better if you relax. evne if youre late, on the potty, watever, relax

    ohhh i just saw in the link above

    to be kind – TINY

    dang i just used tiny and realized how that works really well for me to make a non blaming message to my brother about teh ipod stealing.

    i could address him like i was a tiny fairy to a big rock and say how sad i felt… (i DID do that, but just saying TINY did make me feel so much less attacking and more like ohhhhh won’t you protect me)

  135.  #137Daria on April 9, 2010 at 2:55 am

    Mr hound: yuck. that doesnt feel good to hear!

  136.  #138heartbeat on April 9, 2010 at 2:56 am

    OK so now he’s trying to MAKE ME WHAT HE WANTS.

    I responded along lines of ‘I feel sad and angry. I don’t know you after one meeting so I don’t call/text/meet like a girlfriend. I feel pressure so it is over.’

    So now he says ‘ok but at least ask me how I am, I need that’

    [sarcastic angry interlude – oh really? ]

    I feel frustrated. I am tired.

  137.  #139Daria on April 9, 2010 at 2:58 am

    to develop courage: SWING!

    i like that one!!!

  138.  #140Daria on April 9, 2010 at 3:03 am

    This site has organized audios that are grouped by taking u thru emotions:

  139.  #141Daria on April 9, 2010 at 3:04 am


    what do you mean so it is over

    do you mean what do you think?

    or do you mean. and i dont wnat to talk to you anymore?

  140.  #142heartbeat on April 9, 2010 at 3:06 am

    ‘I don’t feel able to do that. I am tired and need to be with my family. I hope you find a girl near you who can be with you in that way.’

    Not sure about the last line, but… I don’t want any more contact with him. So next round is NO MORE.

  141.  #143heartbeat on April 9, 2010 at 3:09 am

    Daria – I already said to him I don’t want to call/text/meet any more! I feel sad but I’m saying NO this does not feel good.

  142.  #144Daria on April 9, 2010 at 3:13 am

    Heartbeat – great practice.

    If it were me I would say clearly say: I don’t want to talk to you anymore (rather than so .. its over) and then I would stop answering – unless i just really really liked his next message!

    like sike i was just kidding and testing u . im actually really cool and awesome and im liking you . haha.

    this switchword stuff feels strange!!

    i feel affected by it

  143.  #145heartbeat on April 9, 2010 at 3:21 am

    Daria – well I did answer his next text. He said ‘so can we be friends anyway? I don’t want relationship with anyone’.

    I said ‘No, I’m sorry. I don’t want to call or text or meet again. I am tired now.’ (second time I’ve said this)

    and he texted back ‘good luck’

    ugh, I feel relieved!

    And kinda sad, like I’m taking candy from a baby…

    Only he’s a grown man and I am taking care of myself. So I’m trusting my instinct with guys who want my number right away – doesn’t feel good to me… so no cigar, baby.

  144.  #146heartbeat on April 9, 2010 at 3:33 am

    Daria – yeah I probably could have tweaked a couple things. Thanks for being here with me, it felt good!

    And now I want to go and do a few things so I’ll sign off now.

    Love to you

  145.  #147Daria on April 9, 2010 at 3:41 am

    Go Heartbeat Go Heartbeat!

    Im all geared up to make barley water tomorrow! yahoo!

  146.  #148Dan_Brodribb on April 9, 2010 at 7:19 am

    Lucy – I don’t know. Thinking too much about that stuff has never been helpful for me. I just end up second-guessing myself.

    From your posts it sounds like you are giving a lot of thought to what would be attractive to him. That sounds stressful. I’ve always had better luck in the long run by doing what works best for me. If people find that attractive, that’s great, and if they don’t, it saves us both time and/or heartache down the road.

  147.  #149cookie on April 9, 2010 at 11:28 am

    Thanks heartbeat and dorothea for the support and feedback. Last night was really hard. He was in a bad mood and was being despondent and distanct. He went to bed not speaking to me and being angry for whatever reason. I usually push and try to make him talk but I was feeling tired and annoyed so I layed down to sleep. It bothered me though. The tension is very hard to bear when he gets like that. I don’t like that kind of love, I don’t feel loved when my man pulls away from me and takes with him his affection, sex, and consideration. I associate that with some of the low brow tactics women use to manipulate men. Its extremely feminine to me and turns me off. I fell asleep chanting to myself what kind of love I wanted and did not. When I awoke the tension was there but I didn’t speak on it but rather continue to get myself dressed for work. When he left, I wrote a feeling message about how badly last night and this morning made me feel and I felt invisible and insigificant. That I did not want to push or beg him for love but I wasn’t sure what to do. That is relationship was beginning to feel very lonely and I wanted to know what he thinks? I don’t know if that was the right thing to do or not but it felt right at the time. I don’t know how or if he will respond to it but I feels freer and like I’m staying visible. What do you think?

  148.  #150mary on April 9, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    Thank you for these discussions! Cookie, I’m sad, sad, sad for you about last night. I have been in that situation before. You took a chance to leave that message and I admire you for taking it. I waited too silently and stayed too long and suffered too much. I hope he responds positively!

    Ohhhhhhh, I LOVE LOVE LOVE switch words! Thank you Daria! And yes, yummmmmmmm, I will soon be kissing my stepping stone.

    Thank you for helping me see that I’m leaning forward to try to care for the guy’s feelings. Oh, it’s hard not to do that! The term “she’s just using me” comes to mind and I certainly don’t want that to describe me. I wonder if I should contact him again? I think his feelings are hurt.

    This makes dating way more fun and fantastic! I just show up, bless them with my glorious presence and tell them exactly the way it is. And I can be very tactful. I did this before, but I really was only about wanting friends then. Now I’m really looking so I thought I should not waste time with men who don’t fit what I want.

    Heartbeat, I just went to visit my family and I stayed at my mom’s house. When I was with the rest of the family, I worked hard because we were all helping with a big move. When I went home to Mom’s, she wanted to laugh and talk and she followed me from one room to another. I love her so much and was glad that she wanted my company, but I realized that most guys feel pressured when women are giving herself up for them. Just what you described that your guy was doing. I really related to that, and saw it for the first time as the recipient with my mother, although that’s not the same thing, cuz she’s not a guy.

    Wow, Cinnamon. I feel like Daria! I want to dance around the room because of this: “From rori’s tools I now think that by doing his thinking and deciding for him I was overfunctioning and not trusting him as a grown man to make his own decisions.” Okay. I’ll do what I want and he can do what he wants.

    Thank you. I am not skilled at dating. I have good skills in hoping for things that will never be. I can help anyone with that! (Don’t do it.)

    I’m having fun with Plenty of Fish. I have a killer profile. Two questions:

    What does Rori say about contacting the guy first? (no time to listen for it…)

    And should I get on Facebook? How do you get dates there, and is that something that could give me good results at my age? I mean, are older guys on it too? It seems like a 20+ or 30+ thing.

  149.  #151mary on April 9, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    I also have a lil bitty itsy bitsy teeny tiny problem with letting the guys always pay. Especially if I know my intentions are just to be friends.

  150.  #152ABC on April 9, 2010 at 4:29 pm

    just curious, what if the meaning of sex is discussed before you have sex with a man, don’t you think he can still drift away afterward, Rori? I have reached a point where I basically don’t put any value on a man’s words any more because those promises are like us wanting some kind of guarantee love from them, and who can guarantee that their love won’t change for you and the love will last forever?
    some men are really good with words and give you what you want to hear in the beginning, then fades away, because he is giving to get.

  151.  #153mary on April 9, 2010 at 5:19 pm

    Hello ABC:

    If you think about it, you’re almost asking if there’s some way you can tell if your guy is a forever guy before you have sex with him, and it seems to me like it would take forever to know if the guy lasts that long.

    Sex is something YOU have to feel comfortable with, regardless of the guy’s feelings. Do others agree? Regardless of whether or not things work out in the future. Regardless of his TRUE INTENTIONS. Regardless of anything at all about him. It’s only about you and what you want and how you feel in your heart.

  152.  #154mary on April 9, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    Sex is expressing yourself with your body, and all the mystical, sacred aspects of oneness with another person. Sex is a collapse of boundaries into the oneness. Are you ready for that? If so, what makes you ready? Sweet words? Promises? Commitment? Or is it the sweet way you feel about him? The promise you’re intimating by the act? The commitment that you’re ready to be one, even if it’s just for a moment?

    I’ve always been an advocate of waiting. I don’t know what will happen this time around. I think that my spiritual desire to wait has put me in conflict with my physical desire for sex now, and that conflict has attracted guys who have had conflicts with their sexuality. But not the same conflicts as mine!

    This was the epiphany I had right here on Rori’s site about a month ago. I saw that being with a sex addict was serving my desire to wait… and wait, I did! He ignored me completely, and on some level, that worked for me. He was also trying to wait, but he overdid it and completely ignored all of my needs for closeness.

    I’m doing a reframe now to explore why decided on this course for my life. I probably decided it when I was sixteen or seventeen, and I’ve never really taken it out and examined it since. It’s obviously not working for me.

    So we’ll see.

    Like I said, I’m curious…

    I work on it.

  153.  #155mary on April 9, 2010 at 8:18 pm

    I guess I’m having my own conversation with myself.

    Something weird just happened. This afternoon I got an online rose from a guy. We both had wow reactions to each other’s profiles, emailed back and forth, very leaning back on my part, he sent the rose and then… (I hadn’t responded yet) he just emailed me and said , “I sent the rose by mistake. I’m sure you qualify just the same. Getting off line. My words were not a mistake however.”


  154.  #156dorothea on April 9, 2010 at 8:33 pm

    yeah mary…

  155.  #157dorothea on April 9, 2010 at 8:35 pm

    ugh i think about him and worry worry worry all the time. i feel so scared. i feel so scared to be falling in love and the possibility of him being turned off or leaving me because of it.
    oh god. this is so overwhelming. enough for me to stay away from him forever (as opposed to calling him up crying asking if he loves me lol)

    i’m going to go to bed. fuck this.

    but if anyone has a tool i’ll take it!

  156.  #158Lucy on April 9, 2010 at 9:21 pm

    Heartbeat and Daria – I felt interested reading your convo about how you feel when a guy is insecure. I actually feel AMUSED when guys are insecure. Sometimes it’s “pleasantly amused” and sometimes it’s “annoyingly amused.”

  157.  #159EarthDancer on April 9, 2010 at 9:25 pm

    Hello wonderful ladies! I have been watching and reading all these posts but have not commented much…I don’t feel I have much to contribute…I feel like a failure…some of your stories resonate but most i cannot relate to…i have been alone my whole life except for brief periods. i feel tired. i feel giving up. i feel no use. i feel isolated. i feel sad.

    i have used Modern Siren and Targeting Mr. Right since November…I felt excited that I might have found the answer I’d been searching for as to why I could not seem to find a relationship…i trusted Rori…

    I have practiced and practiced ALL the tools – I am online, I have tweaked my profile, I smile at all men, i use feeling messages, I have leaned back, I have set healthy boundaries…I have unzipped my heart, i have followed the 6 e’s and the other Tools. I stay in the moment and try to learn the lesson the man in front of me is giving me. i believe i am the prize and i believe i am a goddess that deserves a loving relationship AND YET…


    i did not have a date tonight so I went to a nice restaurant/bar (alone, as usual). i practiced my tools, leaned back, made eye contact, smiled, unzipped my heart, used the Wave, etc. etc. and not one man responded to me.

    i feel failure. i feel afraid i am too old to attract an attractive man that i feel chemistry with. i feel afraid men see me alone and no one talking to me and i feel afraid they pity me. i feel heaviness in my heart. i feel like i don’t want to live if i have to be alone one more year (i have been divorced since 1992). i feel like i will never get it right no matter how hard i try. i feel despondent like the universe is laughing at me.

    I feel like I’m being punished
    I feel I’m not good enuf
    I feel no matter what I do my love life will not turn around…
    I feel hopeful that healthy dating opportunities will appear, then have my hopes dashed…I feel despondent…i feel a tightness in my throat and i feel tears i cannot shed because i am all cried out…

    i feel god is punishing me … i feel no matter what i do my life will not change

  158.  #160dorothea on April 9, 2010 at 9:26 pm

    ohh, i just lean back. no matter what.
    don’t be scared, miss dorothea.
    well, it’s ok to feel scared. but you don’t HAVE to feel scared. I give you permission to feel not scared instead of scaredscaredscared..

    i love my scared feelings. awwww

  159.  #161mary on April 9, 2010 at 9:48 pm

    Okay, this is the Mary special Just for Dorothea Tool:

    Think of every Disney movie you have ever seen. Doesn’t the mother die within the first five or six minutes? Land Before Time, Bambi, Snow White, Cinderella, etc., etc. For some reason the main character is usually a child who is suddenly ABANDONED and very scared.

    And then think of those movies and how things work out… suddenly other people appear along the way, and provide things that are needed… a bed for the night, a glass slipper, a new friend, the dad that was never in the picture before… and yes! the person who was lost in the beginning NEVER COMES BACK. But it’s okay. Because new things happen. And there are fresh experiences everywhere. And life keeps going. And good things still come around.

    And think of some good things from your past. The feelings that you had then are YOUR feelings, and they can be activated again, in a new way, with new people in new environments.

    You don’t NEED a particular person in your life. You PREFER a person, but the fact is that many different people can give you the things that you need. And sometimes it is good to just suffer through the feeling of LONGING. Stay with it and welcome it and love it. We sometimes become addicted to a way to satisfy our longings, and our finite minds can only conjure up a limited number of things (or personalities) that will satisfy. If we give in to the longings and rest with them, sometimes a more creative solution just “happens by.”

    I’m wishing for you an easier time tonight, Dorothea. Sleep tight! And when you feel scared, use your new switch word: DISNEY.



  160.  #162mary on April 9, 2010 at 10:00 pm

    Dear Earth Dancer,

    Tired one. Not good enough. Isolated. Sad.

    I once responded to a knock at my door, when I was still living with my parents, and it was a Moonie. A nice guy with a nice smile, but I did not invite him in. He handed me a tract and I thanked him, closed the door and went up to my room and read it.

    Most of it was stuff that I just skimmed over, because it sounded a bit out there, but there was one thing that for me, carried the ring of truth.


    I thought that was very profound then, and I still do.

    It isn’t a replacement for a man who will throw his arms around you and kiss your mouth and tell you he loves you. It’s a different kind of joy altogether.

    Maybe it will be enough in the between times…

  161.  #163Cinnamon on April 10, 2010 at 3:00 am

    Hi earthdancer, felt really sad reading your comments. Forgive me if this sounds harsh but it felt from your words like you are waiting for a man to come along and make your life complete. Maybe you need to spend some time doing a little more internal healing and investing time in getting a group of female friends around you so you don’t ever need to go out for dinner alone again unless you want to?

    I moved across the country to be with my ex who many years later cheated and dumped me. We had a great life and lots of joint friends but I never made the time to find my own circle of friends. He had his own so if he went out alone, which wasn’t often, I stayed home alone. It gave him huge amounts of power but also suffocated him. I vowed never again.

    When we split I forced myself to join social groups, hiking clubs, anything I could find and promised myself I would not date anyone until I had a full happy life. it was hard work as I’m a shy person with lots of walls but I used some of rori’s tools like feeling messages. Now I have a close circle of girlfriends and a wider group of mixed friends.

    What difference does it make? Everything. When my head tells my heart to lean back and it’s just a man I like and it doesn’t make a difference if he wants to be with me too my heart listens. Because it’s now true. It opens up because my core is helped made strong by my friends. Your heart only listens to authentic words.

    It’s helped me walk away from men who were giving me crumbs. It means when a man doesn’t step up I get upset for only a short while. It means my vibe is so very different. And you know what, I would love to have a serious relationship and kids and everything. But now my life is mostly happy even if it doesn’t happen.

    I hope this helps earthdancer. I don’t like to hear people so sad.

  162.  #164sia on April 10, 2010 at 5:14 am

    dear earthdancer,

    you put it so powerfully, my heart goes out to you…

    I had a very very negative thinking/feeling period too..What helped me immensely with feeling blue, was exercise routine. i felt good about myself for having schedule, and for exercising. I did my best to enjoy it and not think about how much better other people in the class are..
    And I was busy…no time for sitting and thinking bad thoughts. I sterted to feel good about myself about exercising, and that feeling slowly spread to other areas of me – I felt good about me.

    Please write what you feel good about in your life, and elaborate on it, and keep your thoughts there, and the feelings asssociated with those good things – they will prevail over bad ones.

    Please step up to yourself, claim yourself as a being you treasure very highly, cherish yourself by doing what feels good to you and respect yourself by doing what is beneficial for you, even if you don’t feel like it. Please don’t expect anyone else to do this for you..

  163.  #165EarthDancer on April 10, 2010 at 8:06 am

    Mary, Sia, Cinnamon – thank you for your thoughts & suggestions; I will think about what you said & answer when I have my feelings 2gether 🙂

  164.  #166dorothea on April 10, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Disney*! Thank you, Mary. I feel so appreciative and loving towards you. Thank you thank you.

    *Disney are a bunch of brainwashing conformity mongers. Sorry, my inner revolutionary goddess can’t help herself. I still think this tool and switch word is perfect perfect perfect, and it can work beautifully for me without needing to consider my sociopolitical stance on Disney.

    So how do switch words work? Do I just THINK it whenever I feel this particular breed of anxiety?

  165.  #167mary on April 10, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    Okay, maybe don’t think Disney. Maybe Cinderella? Or use a different imagery altogether. Someone who has been abandoned and good things have happened. Or a time when you felt abandoned, and good things happened for you.

    I was really trying to hold onto my relationship, even though I thought I was holding loosely, and it just fell, like sand, through my open fingers, to the ground. And it’s gonna be okay.

    I think the thing that helped me was my little ad on Craigslist: “Brisk walk and a hot chocolate?” “Could be fun.” I put my age on there, too, and I got about 17 takers! Most of them waaaaaaay younger.

    Now, I’ve got it figured out. Young guys prey on women my age because there are no expectations of long term, and because they know our options are limited!


    EarthDancer, I’m no beauty queen. I take care of myself! I wear makeup. I dress nicely. I go to exercise bootcamp 3 times a week and the other 3 days a week I walk about an hour, with 1 day off. And I have had a few nips and tucks here and there! Whatever I can do to look good for me! And then I just get out there, like you’ve been doing. (I get tons of non-responses, too. But, I find that when I’m not so flirty, and I’m just being the genuine me, who is interested in people, male or female, people become interested in me! No need to be a beauty queen for that.)

    On my ad I didn’t even ask to see a picture! I just wanted to go for a little walk on the Breakwater (with a man), have a little talk and then have a hot beverage, as the days were cold and rainy and the waves were high. I went out with 8 guys right away, and liked most of them! Although none were a good fit for marriage, I’m still seeing a few of them. That was NO WEEDING OUT. NO CHOOSING. NO FIGURING OUT WHAT I WANTED. Just letting the guys show up and be themselves, and asking nothing from them. They gave and gave and gave… and are still giving… and we’re gonna be good friends.

    Much better than Plenty of Fish so far. That’s a little awkward because it’s all about romance. My first date was head over heels in love. The second didn’t even want to go into the coffee shop, and crossed the street on the way back so we’d not be tempted to go in. The third took me to an Art Gallery, and that was okay. We were both very shy with each other, but are still talking online. He lives on an island near mine.

    Oh, am I rambling? So sorry! I’m just excited about life again after R. All the worry and stress associated with him! I didn’t need it! It nearly killed me! And I’m worth so much more than that to my kids. To my mom. To my brothers. To the world.

    I get rid of these thoughts: “he probably thought I was too old. he probably thought my hips were too curvy. he probably thought i was too texan. he probably thought he probably thought he probably thought he probably thought a MILLION, ZILLION DIFFERENT, CONFLICTING THINGS!” And now I think, “Who cares what he thought?”

    I might get back on Craigslist. Just for a way-out time again. Who knows who’ll respond this time! What a little roll of the dice! I loved it…

    I don’t want to undermine what either of you are going through, Earth Dancer and Dorothea. I’m just celebrating the walking forward and the baby steps and the good things in life, besides a man… and appreciating men for who they are as people…

  166.  #168kismet on April 10, 2010 at 4:34 pm

    I need to pull back…
    I tried. But he doesn’t really text me anymore, I always text him first. I told myself not to call him, let him call me first before he works tonight. But I called him anyways, and he was eating so I told him I’ll talk to him later. He said he’ll call after he’s done eating but he never did. I’m somewhat irritated with my boyfriend, but I dislike my inability to be patient and focus on me =(

    Yesterday there was a misunderstanding when I added him on myspace. I saw what he wrote for his “interests” and it freaked me out. I texted him about it, turns out his friend made his page for him so he had no idea what was posted. He actually called me during work to clarify it.

    So in the meantime I’ll just stay on here to keep myself from contacting him. Maybe watch LOST and catch up on it…

  167.  #169Daria on April 10, 2010 at 11:32 pm

    Here’s something froma TAT newsletter that i felt touched and excited by!!

    “Guilt. GUILT! And lots of it! I had been caught in an affair. I separated from my husband and moved out (while we lived abroad). Not wanting to disrupt the children’s lives (17, 16 and 10), any more than a devasting separation would do, I left them in their home, with the belief that they would spend equal time with both their father and me. OK, naive, perhaps, as well.

    Their father wanted to return home with the children. I wanted to stay in Paris. I thought, surely the children (at least the 2 not going off to college) would stay with me, since I had been a fulltime mom (though I worked when they were in school) all of their lives. But no. They all returned “home” (after 7 years living abroad, to a place where I had always been isolated, and thus unhappy). Without me.

    And I heard it from oh-so-many: “HOW could you leave your children?? I could NEVER do that!” Or even, “You abandoned your children! That’s despicable!” And the looks of horror or just the pursed lips from people doing their best to avoid clicking their tongue at me…

    And the worst part? I AGREED WITH THEM!!!!

    On top of it all, I couldn’t really put words to why I HAD to get out of the marriage; why I subconsciously had arranged the WORST kind of hurt for my family, for my husband of over 20 years. I couldn’t explain exactly WHAT was so bad. But it WAS so bad!! I was dying in the marriage; I was lonely; I was empty; I was someone I didn’t recognize. And I couldn’t excuse any of it!

    So, guilt? It was my constant companion. And it was crippling me. I couldn’t get on with my life, and I couldn’t go back.

    I am an energy healer by vocation. I am certified in probably over 10 modalities, and use some others. I had transformed so much of me (in a positive way) through my energy work. And my clients tell me I have helped them in some amazing ways (and I am grateful). I have energy healer friends. And I called on all the modalities I knew and on all my friends, to get rid of this prison of guilt I was carrying around with me. For 3 years I tried every technique I’d ever heard of to rid me of this overwhelming guilt that overshadowed all else in my life and prevented me from creating the life I knew was better for me AND for my children.

    I finally decided I’d try being coached by someone who had gone to the same coaching school I had. I found on the internet a woman in England with whom I resonated. She was also a Master in tapping, another modality in which I had dabbled but never spent any time doing. We were beginning our 3rd session of coaching and tapping, and the guilt kept raising its ugly head with no relief in sight. Finally she said, “I’d like to try something else with you, if you are willing.”

    And I got my first introduction to TAT.

    In 45 minutes, the guilt disappeared. I mean, gone! I couldn’t believe it! After three years (!!) of trying everything else, it disintegrated in one 45-minute session. Without the guilt, I was able to separate the other emotions involved (sorrow, resentment, anger, grief), and deal with each of them. I was no longer paralyzed. I was suddenly able to see beyond how “bad” a person I was, and start creating a life that my children could participate in fully, and be the mom (AND the woman) I had known and been before.

    Guilt is a stone tied around the neck (forget the ankle!) of many women. We are experts in it. TAT helped me to look at my own “failures” with same love and compassion that I look at the “hiccups” in my children, “oops. That didn’t have the effect I was hoping for. Let’s fix what I can, and try again.”

    And I used TAT to work on that frustrating habit of being harder on myself than I would ever dream of being on anyone else. It has led me to a place where I am able to stand up and love myself, so I can love others better.

    Thank you, Tapas. My gratitude is overflowing.

    Barbara B “

  168.  #170dorothea on April 12, 2010 at 5:56 pm

    strippers get drunk on scotch and act crazy too. ha ha ha ha ha. girl i got your number right here. PS you still aint using feeling messages and i am starting to feel fucking angry.

    gosh i feel shocked and ashamed with myself that i am still talking to u when i keep saying i feel drained. i feel curious about what i’m doing here. i feel amused.

  169.  #171dorothea on April 12, 2010 at 5:58 pm

    omg i feel embarassed, i put this comment in the WRONG thread.
    haha i feel heat in my face.

  170.  #172michelle on April 12, 2010 at 8:43 pm

    My fiance had recently proposed to me we got the marriage license and set the date for the week after however things got in the way such as lack of money so it was postponed then I had noticed him starting to become distant this was a fear that i was hoping wouldn’t come because of my previous relationship he proposed then it got postponed and then he decided he didn’t want to marry me and now my fiance is telling me that I am not ready and that i am pushing him away because of my insecurity of my past all i was trying to do was get him to spend more time with me, and when he is distant like that it makes me feel more insecure and needy please help

  171.  #173Rori Raye on April 13, 2010 at 10:10 am

    Michelle – Welcome and “all i was trying to do was get him to spend more time with me…” is enough masculine behavior (you’ll get the basics of this in the 4 Rules on my ebook) to push a man away. STOP!!!! Your insecurity is inside YOU – and that’s what we need to help you with! You can do this…it’ll be new…but you can – and fast…Love, Rori

  172.  #174Nini on April 14, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    I stumbled upon this blog while trying to find a way which will help me feel better..
    My boyfriend and I have been having a lot of trouble over the past 4 months (I know a lot of it is my fault, I have hurt his feelings a lot) but recently he has stopped caring completely, and everytime I cry infront of him he tells me ‘you are always miserable, you love misery etc.’ and he has gotten so abusive. But i love him so much, I want to act better and then maybe he can go back to being the caring, loving boyfriend he was?
    Our relationship has been long distance throughout (its been 2 and 1/2 yrs) and it has been on the whole very rocky (mainly coz I used to be upset at loads of things that he thinks didnt require that level of upsetness and anger). But I really want to try and do the right things to make it better, so he can love me again and we can be happy.

    Thank you.

  173.  #175Rori Raye on April 14, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    Nini, Welcome – and I so applaud your desire to shift some of your reactions and be a happier person for YOU – and I truly, at the same time want you to stop blaming yourself for all this!!! A relationship that’s long distance and going on for 2 1/2 years is not working. It’s not working mainly because people in this situation BOTH have intense fears of intimacy – otherwise, you’d be together. The way out here is to work on you – as you’ve stated your interest in We’ll help you all we can. First order of business for you is to Date Yourself, and move into Circular Dating (I realize you feel you’re bound to this man and believe that you can’t actually “date” – but we’ll all help you understand how to Circular Date anyway – with every man you encounter, and then move to flirting and an actual coffee or walking date, perhaps…) Love, Rori

  174.  #176EarthDancer on April 16, 2010 at 8:36 am

    hhmm, I feel triggered, I feel judged, I feel my feelings were overlooked. I feel frustrated. I feel misunderstood. I feel appreciation for you taking the time and effort to respond but I feel it was waayy off the mark. I was using a Rori tool of FEELING my feelings AND RIFFING; I was not looking for a ‘fix’. My intent is to use the men who show up in my life to heal my past bad/hurtful relationships with men, just as Rori suggests, so that I (not them) will be ready when Mr. Right shows up. But I cannot heal and practice CD if men STILL are not responding to me. Ugh.

    I feel I have to defend myself, and I don’t like that feeling. I am close to being 50 – I am not a young girl pining for love; I have been divorced for 18 years and I feel so tired of being without a romantic partner and an intimate relationship. I work out 3-5 times a week and was told I look 20 years younger, and I have 2 lovely (grown) children, so I DO know how to love. I have NO family closer than a 5 hours drive (my parents have been gone for many years) and it is LONELY; I also do not know ONE woman friend who is divorced or single to call to go out (maybe it is the small town I live in, but it is a very close knit community). I have returned to school since I lost my job over the company closing; I am pleasant and talk to the other students, but I am older than their parents and I am not someone they want to hang out with. I have been to therapists off & on during my adult life to help me “heal” from my childhood and my Journey has been one of progress – my last therapist said I had very high masculine energy due to me having to raise and support my children on my own without any help or support from family or their father, but he couldn’t tell me and I didn’t know what to do to change the masculine energy. I had tried many alternative modalities – Reiki, EFT, Angel Therapy, Reflexology, Energy Work, massage, etc. with minimal results . I felt Rori’s Tools were a godsend; a way to actually rediscover my feminine self and put into practice what it was I needed to do to turn things around. I felt disappointed I wasn’t being successful in doing that.

    Even experts (Maslow & Eriksson come to mind first) state that humans have the INHERENT need for sexual/intimate love & belonging that comes right after the basics of food, clothing, & shelter and that you cannot emotionally progress to self-esteem and self-actualization until this basic need for love is met. I do not feel I am wrong or focusing too much on men just because I want, desire, and long for intimacy in my life. I do not like being celibate and alone.

  175.  #177Rori Raye on April 16, 2010 at 10:01 am

    EarthDancer, Forgive me, but I’m losing track – was it me who “judged” you, or was harsh? Let me know…if it was me, please forgive me if I misunderstood, and I’ll recalibrate for you. In the meantime. If the small town is the problem, then you know what you must do. You need a pool of men to practice on and relate to…this means working this Circular Dating thing like it was a full-time job. Being on all online dating sites, making time each and every day to get out in public and meet the men from the sites. Going into the closest bigger city at least once a week for dates, for singles events, lectures – whatever it takes to get yourself around more men. This is a serious investment of time and energy – just like a job hunt…Targeting Mr. Right is all about using your masculine energy to get yourself out there so that your feminine energy can take over the moment you’re actually in the presence of a man. Totally using your entire scale of energies. Does this make sense for you? Love, Rori

  176.  #178Siena on April 16, 2010 at 10:23 am

    Re Circular Dating: “This is a serious investment of time and energy – just like a job hunt…”

    I have a question about this. Is FT CD the ONLY way to make it work? When do you know that you can scale back? I’m feeling exhausted circular dating, but – like any FT job – I just get up the next morning and do it again.

    I really want to beat this “singlehood” (haha, it almost feels like a sickness), but I also want to feel gentle and natural doing it.

    Will I just “know”? Does the FT CD with men (coffee dates, etc) only end when marriage gets put on the table? I think I just answered my own question… man, I’m gonna need more supplements!

    Okay, so I intend this to be the final push of effort before a new way of life is born. Otherwise I’ll exhaust myself. And no one wants an exhausted siren!

  177.  #179Daria on April 18, 2010 at 11:54 pm

    Siena – whoa! I feel concerned!

    CD is FUN! its FUN!!! wait I forgot to say … its FUN!!!


    the men should be GIVING you energy. Something Rori told me to pay attention to — (is he Giving me energy or Taking it from me… each moment…. is how we can tell what’s really going on)

    so that energy would replenish you and Raise your self esteem and happiness level.

    are you receiving that energy? being on a date with a man for me feels AWESOME even when i dont feel attracted to him. I speak ONLY in feeling messages, move slow, and feel so sensual.

    plus it feels great that he does stuff for me… and i get a chance to try new tools…

    then again, i don’t have the dates everyday. but i would! i would take 3 or 5 a day! really! cuz its just fun!!!

  178.  #180aprilshowers on May 11, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    I feel so inspired. I love this post!

    I’m not an America’s Top Model fan, so I figured I’d feel bored reading it. Not so.

    Like most women, I’ve struggled with my self-esteem my whole life. After 30, I finally felt fierce and beautiful and precious until…

    My last “boyfriend” ended our “imaginary relationship” because he was no longer “sexually attracted” to me.

    The more I read Rori’s posts, I see how common an excuse this is for men. I now know that his lack of attraction has more to do with his inability to perform sexually in combination with my overfunctioning.

    However, at the time, I felt thrown away. I felt confused. I felt un-sexy and undesirable, even though men all around me told me different, even though HE had shameless pursued, wooed me, and followed me around (and continues to…but that’s another post for another day).

    It feels amazing to see it as merely his interpretation of me, nothing more. So, many other men share MY interpretation that I am an INCREDIBLE woman. I am strikingly beautiful and remarkable. With Rori and Jade’s help, I now refuse to believe anything different.

  179.  #181Rori Raye on May 11, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    aprilshowers, Welcome, and I love your take on this…Love, Rori

  180.  #182Daria on May 11, 2010 at 3:46 pm

    Yay april showers.. I love you how you said you refuse to believe anything different… i suddenly felt moved almost to tears!

  181.  #183Karen on June 11, 2010 at 6:21 pm

    I have a question. I was in a financially and verbally abusive marriage but lost all love for him quickly and left him when my son was a year old. 2 years later, I met a charming man with all of the characteristics I ever wanted. Only, he ended up being extremely emotionally abusive. He was highly critical of me- always in a joking way and even in front of others. My cooking was terrible, my parenting skills, clothing, the way I held up a conversation with him..everything. I would try so hard to please him to make him happy with me again. When he was happy with me, he was amazing..I felt amazing. When he was critical, it was usually followed by a 24 hour or so period of ignoring me. Sometimes the ignoring came first. Anyway, I finally looked reality in the eyes to see what was going on when I noticed how he was with my son. That made me strong. I started doing my own thing, going out with friends again, keeping busy at work, expressing myself when I was feeling bad with what he said. I thought that would pull him closer and change this negative behavior. Instead, he left me. Out of the blue. In the hallway of a hotel in front of my child. He was supposed to help me out of town work an event that I was hired to handle. I was stranded. He took the credit card he let me use away knowing I needed it for the hotel. He mumbled something that he can’t be with someone who has no clue what is going on around them then proceeded to yell at my child to get in the room so we could talk. I told him never to yell at my child and slammed the door in his face. That was the end. He sent me a text and email to tell all my friends and family that I broke up with him because he couldn’t commit. That is not what happened. I know my son and I are better off in the long run however I hate that I can’t stop thinking about him and still miss him. Any advice for moving on when the toxic man left you?

  182.  #184Rori Raye on June 12, 2010 at 3:47 pm

    Karen, Welcome – and bless you for seeing what was going on and stopping it. What you want to do is to make sure you never again are attracted to or attract another toxic man….so I’m recommending you try my toxic man program. You just don’t want to do this again …these toxic men come in VERY appealing packages and fool you. I don’t want you to be fooled again. Love, Rori

  183.  #185Karen on June 12, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    Thank you for responding Rori,
    I did purchase your toxic men CD and that is what got me to do my own thing for the last month of our 2 year relationship. Currently, I’m dealing with self esteem issues from the relationship and the break up and trying not to miss him. I keep listening to your CD’s for strength at every free moment. The posts of other women help as well. Thank you for this.

  184.  #186Isa on July 17, 2010 at 6:14 pm

    Body image, American top Model is an interesting program, I will try to watch it more often.
    I am small frame, 96 pounds, almost 5 in. with a belly bulge. When I go to the gym some trainers, trying to get clients talk to me suggesting that I can use their services to be more tone, but I know that I wil need at least 6 hours of daily exercise to have their phisique, that is the way I am, wide waist, not that bad, considering that I have 3 children, the light of my life; comparing myself to models ( 124 lbs , 6 feet tall) there is a lot of work to be done, to look like a model I should have to weight 90 lbs, at most, eating only chicken and lettuce, some days I do that, I do not feel hungry, and other days I eat everything, like today that after lunch a ate chocolatechip ice cream, delicious.
    And sometimes I see myself in the mirror and I see myself beautiful and other days I see myself ugly.
    But I catch myself and do EFT saying, ” Even though I feel ugly, I completely and deeply love and accept myself ” ” Even though my waist is wide , I completely and deeply love and forgive and accept myself ” .
    My husband does not say anything about my body, not that I am beautiful or ugly, but I know that he likes me walking on high heels around the house sometimes . Well, he has seem me in all my faces, through my pregnancies and after pregnancies, overweight , normal, makeup, not make up, sometimes I think that he loves me , but sometimes I do not feel it.
    It could be nice, if he tells me that I am pretty or beautiful or something.
    My friend tells me: ” they tell you all this things until they get you”
    He has been and is my only lover and we began to have sex after we married. I ask my mom before I married what did she recomended regarding sex, she got nervous and told me : ” Uh ! you have to drink a glass of water after you are done ” . And I asked : That’s it ?
    She said : Yes, and lots of hugs and kisses .
    I still drink the glass of water, after more than 15 years of marriage, it has not been easy for me , but I am still here , now using the Rori’s tools , and things are better.

  185.  #187Karen on July 18, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    Thank you for the EFT reminder- Rori has so many great tools that I forgot about that one recently. Keep up the good work in your marriage 🙂

  186.  #188lm on July 25, 2010 at 10:29 am

    i love this post. i love feeling free to choose which thoughts and words to take to heart and which to disregard. for me it helps to remember that people will say what they will because of what’s going on in their minds. negative stuff is mostly about them. so freeing.

  187.  #189annabel on January 3, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    hey there Rori, i have been receiving all your emails and they are absolutely divine! in fact you inspired me so much I have started experimenting your modern techniques and it works! and It drew me to start blogging about my new mindset on the topic of love and how we girls should go about it. I have featured your book ” get the relationship you want” in one of my blogs.

    and now this Jade trick is something really cool, really helps with building self esteem. I will feature your blog on my post also 🙂
    thank you so much Rori

  188.  #190Joyce on June 27, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    It’s hard to remember to love myself when I am getting older with the signs of age appearing everywhere on my body. I want so desperately to be young again but know it’s only going to get worse with every passing birthday. So thank you for reminding me to remind myself that I am still as beautiful as I ever was.

  189.  #191Robin on September 4, 2011 at 7:52 pm

    I am new to this site, but grateful to fine out I am not alone. I asked my lover of two years to leave as there was nothing left in our relationship, at first it had be the most passionate loving alive relationship, for 3 months, then nothing or next to. The day before he left he told me that he had NO feelings for me it was only because I took care of all his needs and it was a cheap place to live. I still haven’t been able to pull myself off the floor, but am working on it, Yet I have days I want to call him and beg him to come back. Am I crazy

  190.  #192golden blossom on October 8, 2011 at 11:00 am

    What a surprice… am I the only one to respond to this great article? I love it, it is real life. Thanks. Now you cemented for me how to deal with my ex, or anyone!
    No explanations, no defence, if he ever talks to me. Smile and say… yaeh, glad you noticed I am great 🙂

  191.  #193Rick on October 10, 2011 at 10:03 am

    I am a man, I saw your site and thought a woman would probably be my best help. So here it goes. I am married
    for 27 years. For the past 10 years my wife and I grew apart. We talked about it, went for counseling and realized we are not in love any more. We live like best friends and roommates. Not like a husband and wife. My wife also over these 10 years has lost interest in sex, she blames it on early menopausal issues. So we decided to divorce. We are both fine in all this. Here is the problem, I met a woman 4 years ago and started a friendship with her that grew into a love relationship between us. Even though it was against both our principles we made love and fell in love. My girlfriend knew all up front,except shethought our divorce would have been faster, which is my fault because I wanted my wife to initiate the process. Before I met this woman four years ago my wife said she wanted a divorce.
    So I waited for her to initiate the process, not knowing I would fall for another woman. The reason for the delay in our divorce was financial, too many things hit all at once.
    You name it it happened, my daughter was going to college, the economy got bad, my investments tanked on me, and job loss. So now I am in the process of my divorce but my girlfriend feels she fell out of love with me. She feels I should have moved it faster for us to be together. Now she tells me that she does not want sex which we have been holding off of any way and says get the divorce and we will see how she feels after this. Now in between all this she has been true to me and I true to her. She mentioned that somebody was interested in courting her and asked me how I felt? I said I am in love with her and her only and asked her not to let anybody in between.
    I want to marry her and have a family with her. So far she has not let anybody in. As per her request, she just wants to see eachother as friends which is what we are doing. We get together play tennis, go to a movie, have dinner etc. Her rule is no intamacy till I am divorced, I agreed. I am in love with her no doubt, I know she loves me no doubt.
    I just wonder can she fall back in love with me? How do I handle this? I don’t want to lose her. How do I keep her without pressuring her? I don’t want to smother her yet I want her to know I am there for her. How do I reassure her of this as I go through the process of divorce. I am finding my relationship with her tougher than the divorce because as a man I don’t know if I am reading her right. I lover so much and she knows it, yet I feel I could lose her if I don’t play my cards right. I hope you can help me. Signed, Rick, A man lost in love as he goes through a divorce.

  192.  #194Karoline on May 25, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    That is amazing for me right now. This guy who i love so much, just told me I am not the kind of girl to commit, I am not worth and he does not love me at all. But If I want to see him any time, it is ok. If I want just sex and fun, it is ok.

  193.  #195Linnie on August 29, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    Very good article. I absolutely love this website. Continue the good work!

  194.  #196Tabitha on August 29, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    Pretty! This was an incredibly wonderful article. Thanks for providing
    these details.

  195.  #197Amanda S. on November 26, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    I return to this post often… I am a plus size model and it is my job to do exactly this, not only for me but for sake of other women who may feel they are not “good enough” because they are not tall, skinny, conventional looking. When a person sees that a plus size model (“plus size” being something of a stigma in American society) can be confident yet soft and feminine, they feel the strength to do it too. It’s rewarding work. 🙂