No Relationship Closure Needed

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Closure is a HUGE issue.

We all want something to end “completely.”

We all want answers, to understand.

We often hang around in a relationship, doing damage to ourselves, because we’re looking for that moment when it “all get’s clear.”  When we finally say what we mean and what we feel and finally feel HEARD by him.  When we feel a chapter has closed.

Only, it hardly ever happens that way.

We can end up spending so much of our lives waiting for, looking for, praying for, listening for, asking for, demanding, envisioning, thinking about, writing about…Closure…that never happens.

And – here’s the question to ask – Is Closure necessary?  Is it really all that important?

And – I say NO.  We most often will never get “closure,” and perhaps that’s a VERY GOOD THING.

Perhaps that’s the way we learn to be softer, more fluid and flexible.  To roll with the “punches” …and to “Be Surprised.”

Perhaps this is where we finally learn to give up control.

Here’s a comment from Linda:

“Rori, I read a long time ago if you are angry with someone then it needs to be dealt with with that person so we don’t make innocent people in our lives victims of someone else’s crime against us. I think that issues that create the most frustration is when it can’t be resolved correctly and redistributed. I don’t mind feeling angry but it is getting out from under it that has been issue. Often I feel like I just have to swallow and live with it because well it is easier. Boy that is a bad way to live.

I have been angry for quite a while but have no place to release it. I used to turn it on myself but I have gotten past that now. I am so angry that I was betrayed and abandoned. I am angry with the situation that I find myself in now. I want to give it to its source but they are no longer in my life. There is no contact. There is no chance to talk thru it or deal with it. Again I have had to swallow it try to sort it and make it not matter but it still DOES!.. The issue is just there, I bump into it all the time and it usually takes on the form of the lower energy “sadness” but I think that is because there is no closure. Healing doesn’t come and is only replaced with dealing with it only. A overwhelming frustration lingers because of what he did to us.”

Here’s my answer:

You do NOT need closure.  There is no such thing as closure.  Forget “closure.”  Just forget about it.

And – you do NOT need someone to work out your anger with.  You can do it by yourself, on your own, talking to the mirror, journaling, drawing, jumping up and down and shouting.

Anger is energy – and energy is TRANSFORMABLE.  Cleaning merely distracted you – but it also was Channelling, (See Category “Power & Self Esteem” Tool of Riffing here…For extra help – in my Reconnect program, there’s a Tool I call “Walking Yourself Through The Tunnel.” – Basically it’s about going THROUGH feelings instead of AROUND them.)

Anger is a vigorous response to a more helpless feeling like disappointment and fear.  The answer is to sink down into the fear and sadness and grief, and USE the energy of the Anger to move you forward.

Every single moment of life you are being Triggered.  Use those moments to heal.  Don’t look for specific people to help unburden you.  Work it out where you are in this moment.

So – there we are. Don’t NEED to close anything.  Leave all doors be, let air move through, around, against, up and down all the open and half-closed and slightly ajar and slammed shut doors of our lives, until the doors finally disappear on their own, from misuse.  Let the cobwebs gather around the old patterns, let the old pain drift away, let things crumble as they will.

No closure – just movement.  Moving forward, onward to Happy Ever After.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1alias girl on February 6, 2009 at 12:30 am

    guess who’s commenting? me. me. pay attention to me! i feel super needy yae!

    anyway i love this. the more i read. the more it sinks in. the more i experiment. i honestly don’t know where i’d be without all this information and rori’s tools and other people sharing their experiences? ugh. where would i be? i just kept doing the same things over and over again. i kept trying new games. and new manuevering and it got better but it was never what i wanted. now i can be authentic and soft and take care of myself. i can explore and circular date. and i don’t have to date toads. i can just be open to dating inside and outside of what i normally let in. but not toads. which is a relief.

    i like this idea of fluidity. i have so many freaking open doors or non closure in my life. and in some ways it’s a little painful bc i love alot of those people (both men and women and friends some family) but things are what they are. non closure means it didn’t work out the way i want. for me that’s what nonclosure feels like. i mean. i’ve talked to some of these people since the severance of an active relationship. some people we’ve both made made amends to each other. it still doesn’t feel like closure. bc these people still live in my heart. the only people i get closure with it seems are the people i do not care about. ie my mother.

    anyway thank you for this awesome post and also you ultra godessy response to wwc in the other section. that would be kind of cool if wwc actually started using your tools for real and saw what they were about and then joined the blog. anyway. i feel very grateful. and also needy so i will comment again no doubt before the night is through.

  2.  #2Reshi on February 6, 2009 at 12:43 am

    Funny how I was just thinking of this while I was driving to work today–this idea of not needing another person to work out your anger with, to practice Feeling Messages with–and then I come home to find that Rori has posted about it. (Riffing in the car is a little challenging and I don’t know if I should even recommend it because I don’t want anyone getting in an accident. But I digress.)

    I found myself feeling angry and sad and broken and all these awful things that I’d felt while married and never been able to express to my husband without making him wrong. And it occurred to me that I could just say these things and PRETEND I was saying them to a man.

    Shush now, it’s not cheating. Sometimes these made-up men can drive you up the wall just like the real thing. Like, just a couple hours ago I decided to tell Makani “I feel sad and broken,” because that was exactly true in the moment–and damned if he didn’t just sit there and stare at me with a blank look on his face (and look suspiciously like my ex while he was at it). You’d think that a man you made up would obey your every command, but no, they do not. (Maybe they are not capable of as blatant of retardism as real men, but we need to practice with baby steps first, right?) Anyway, I mentally did the Rori-approved thing, I turned around and walked out of the “room,” and felt proud of myself even though it wasn’t real life–I’d never managed to pull off the walk-out-of-the-room thing in real life with a real man. (To Makani’s credit, he did get a clue and start following me around about 10 seconds later asking what was wrong.)

    Goddess. I feel like a huge dork. But I also feel that if I’m so committed to my own relationship happiness that I’m willing to make up men, have Feeling Message conversations with them, and post them online, then it’s only a matter of time before I get some real ones to practice with. (Actually, there are some real ones…but I have trouble THINKING of them as real. I don’t want to think of them as real, I don’t want to think of them at all when they aren’t right in front of me. That, at least, I am doing pretty well.)

  3.  #3Reshi on February 6, 2009 at 12:44 am

    Ahh damn, Alias Girl beat me to the first post… 🙂

  4.  #4Daria on February 6, 2009 at 1:13 am

    Guess who gets no closure… the IM guy who i told I don’t want to see today ( last minute)… who wined about having driven his dad home and back across the bridge to see me… and then how friends don’t ditch friends… and then followed it up with how I’m socially stupid for not having a professional job and a slut… haha…

    I feel like I am being reflected my insecurities which feels awesome actually. I feel so glad that I know better than to take his words in… I feel so glad I didn’t go see him and listened to my I don’t want to voice which said that I feel weird, uncomfortable, unheard and unrespected…

    haha… I want to say LOSER ! because that feels fun, although I feel bad about not being totally at peace without saying that… I’m saying it here haha… WHAT A LOSER ! yes! I wanted to do a HAPPY DANCE after I told him I don’t want to see him and don’t want to lead him on. YES!!! Happy Dance, Happy Dance! SO not worth free martial arts lessons! BYE LOSER!! WOOHOO… that feels like a big smile on my face and stinging in the right part of my chest and I love my big smile and stinging… yay…. I just feel like my smile and head feel sOOO GOOD!!! wooo hoooo!!!

    BTW also learning: I had exes who when mad would say mean stuff to me, except I didn’t say BYE LOSER to them. ACTUALLY I DID NOW WITH RORI;s help! yes! I have said Bye to my immature exes. One of them is actually trying to be mature in conversation with me. He has a lot of transforming to do to get to MOI.

  5.  #5Daria on February 6, 2009 at 1:30 am

    I am realizing that in the past I would feel so obligated to be nice to guys that did not interest me and NEVER would say I don’t like them they would keep calling me and calling me and I wouldn’t know what to do…

    Now that I just canceled a date with the guy basically at my house already (I feel like a BITCH) but I DON’T MIND! I’m not even worried about that it was so RUDE to do that. In fact I feel amused. My rudeness was not the point. It just took me until that moment to finally get my feelings clear and I told him how I was feeling. I feel so POWERFUL and NOT GUILTY. Wow.

  6.  #6Maria on February 6, 2009 at 4:30 am

    From my own experience ive noticed that NO Closure adds some mystique. Rori has a point.

  7.  #7Ellie on February 6, 2009 at 6:05 am

    It’s scary how the past day’s posts have been eerily in tune to what’s been going on in my life. Dammit.

    Now I’m just waiting for the “how to handle your ex showing up with ‘the love of his life’ three weeks after the breakup in a constructive way”, but I’m going to take preemtive measures and start circular dating and actually getting my life going instead of worrying.

  8.  #8Tracy on February 6, 2009 at 7:13 am

    i feel so sad..i was looking for closure from my previous imaginary relationship as i have come to learn and i feel so angry now because i want it all to stop feeling the love the affection,to let go…rori is so right..there is no need for closure..i feel angry at this guy and i want to sink into this anger i want to shout and scream…i feel helpless i feel used and humiliated i feel unloved and left out…i love my hopelessness it means i am human and i want to feel loved.i feel helpless,and i feel like crying now..i feel that its unfair that i have to go through this every time..i always get it wrong..i feel that its partly my fault i have not been honest with myself and in essence i have not been honest with others…i feel i am growing and becoming a better person and loving and taking care of me..and it feels nice…i feels liberating..sometimes i feel lost in my thoughts but i am slowly learning to enjoy the present moment…love myself and what i have….i feel hope coming back to me again and i feel relieved…no pain just relief…

  9.  #9DocK on February 6, 2009 at 8:42 am

    To Daria – IM guy – yikes! Very juvenile of him to call you names like that.

    Rori – closure – so right!

    Long time ago a guy called me at work to tell me he had left me. I knew things weren’t right and knew in my gut it needed to end. Still, it was such a cowardly way for him to leave and I felt like a fool and felt so hurt.

    About 7 years later, my mom tells me he stopped by looking for me – wanted to apologize and left a phone number. I didn’t call. I told her that I thought it was a good sign that he felt like apologizing but that I didn’t need it. Also, whatever I had come up with in my own head to explain why he did what he did might actually be nicer than the truth (since he really gave no explanation). About 10 years after than, he again tried to contact me via email. I made an initial response – he seemed to need to apologize (much more than I needed him to apologize to me) – and, in spite of all that he said about having received therapy and so on – he really hadn’t changed at all. He still sends periodic emails to which I don’t reply.

    I think what we all look for when something seemed so real and we were full of hope is just that understanding of what went wrong. Maybe we think it will help. Problem is, we don’t know that the other person is truly being honest anyway (sometimes, not even with himself).

    Thanks Rori.

  10.  #10Tracy on February 6, 2009 at 8:50 am

    wow dock……….thats some really useful piece of advice…its makes so much sense when u say that we seek so much to understand what went wrong when in essence u’l never know what goes through the other person’s mind…amaizing… makes loads of sense.

  11.  #11Erika on February 6, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    Hey Rori,

    I just *love* this post. No need to close anything.

    Yes, and this goes right along with circular dating.

    I consider ALL of my relationships to be “forever.” That applies even to the ones where we are not currently communicating. This way I feel no urgency. I know that whatever unresolved ickiness will eventually get resolved, and in the meantime so many other relationships are “lit up” and providing me with connection and fun that I can let the unresolved stuff “just be.”

    Suddenly I’ll have an intuition to reach out to someone, and I follow that intuition regardless of outcome. Often this leads to us making up and coming back into harmony. But if it doesn’t, I “let it be” again for a while.

    This way of approaching things feels amazing and magnetizes men to me.

    Erika from

  12.  #12Linda on February 6, 2009 at 8:48 pm

    Hmmm…. I gotta chew on this one for a while. I see both sides of the fence. Again my thinking is being challanged. It is good for me.


  13.  #13Tallulah on February 7, 2009 at 8:25 am

    Dock I feel a bit awkward and slightly protective here. I don’t want to make something out of nothing but were you being serious? or is that a joke about being juvenile? What does IM mean, I feel silly for not knowing? Is it juvenille?! I guess if it is it’s Daria’s prerogative huh? When did we start judging each other here?

  14.  #14Flipper on February 7, 2009 at 10:40 am

    Tallulah – IM means Instant Messaging – Daria had copied one of her xchanges with the guy they had thru IM, where he already showed a tendency to quick judgments and name calling, presumably when he felt like he was losing control. Calling him juvenile in this case feels like a different way of saying “sour grapes” about his attitude.

    I feel like this post is deepening and dotting the i’s for us about what to use our horse for. Instead seeking some illusory closure, we can stick the LI we’re still stuck on on the back of our horse and Use him to our advantage rather than wasting our energy trying to ban him from our thoughts, keep out the pain, or worse, think up ways to get him back. Keep him (for reference, as an eventual messenger), in such a way that he’ll just fall off the horse by himself when he’s become such a drag that we just don’t have room for anything about him in our hearts any more.

  15.  #15cookie on February 7, 2009 at 1:37 pm

    the message you last posted was beautifully written and feels very right to and for me. At this point, my LI has been making some moves towards me. initiating sex, asking to go out with me more, calling and leaving sweet messages (well this week). my mom asked me whats going on with us, i said i don’t really know. last week he said that he wants me to have his baby, i didn’t respond because i have made myself clear on that issue. plus he said it during sex, which in opinion, anything said during sex is not real. there’s alot things i wish to know like what are his intentions, where is this going, is he seeing/sleeping with other women, etc. but i have decided to let things be whatever they need to be at the time they are being them. that feels right to me right now

  16.  #16Tallulah on February 7, 2009 at 6:13 pm

    Thanks Flipper, I also had got the who was name calling the wrong way round in my head. Must be more tired than I thought!

  17.  #17Cassandra on February 8, 2009 at 9:30 am

    Rori…..this post REALLY hit home for me in a big way. Thank you. I have been trying so hard to go THRU the tunnel….for some reason my tunnel is a really dark, cold and full of deep water and the walls are all furry with moss and there is water dripping from the ceiling of it and to go thru it, unless you want to swim in that yucky water you have to be a little boat. My boat is kind of like a gondola like you would see in Venice but muck less romantice and beautiful. I have been trying so hard to to go THRU the tunnel….feeling the walls and the moss on them and focusing on the water dripping on my head and putting my fingers in the water that my boat is in. Anyway, I know that I have been reluctant to leave here because I DO want some sort of closure…I WANT Charles to tell me that he loves me and does not want me to leave…of course I’d like to win the lottery too but heck is that going to happen? I have been feeling like if I just leave then I am doing something terribly mean and hateful. At one point I thought I may have had another place to go but now I think that is not going to be good for me either so I am better off staying put until I can find an option that will be healthier for me.
    Alias Girl…I loev it when you comment and I love your abililty to LOVE and be ok with you needing attention. I admire that in you so much and I always have. I love to read your posts and I learn so much from you. Thank you.
    Reshi…I am so glad that you are in that place of being able to deal with your anger by yourself. I am struggling with that. I am filled with anger and rage and when I try to get out of me I feel like I am hitting a wall and it all bounces back onto me only stronger. I can feel myself falling ont depression and I have no idea how to handle this. It’s like I goto my wondow and toss the anger out of it but then the wind blows nad it is blown right back into my face! I feel so far behind all of you as though I am just not getting it. Your Makani is so awesome and I am glad that you are doing so well with all of this. You are truly an amazing Goddess.
    Tracy…I loved what you shared with us….
    “i feel i am growing and becoming a better person and loving and taking care of me..and it feels nice…i feels liberating..sometimes i feel lost in my thoughts but i am slowly learning to enjoy the present moment…love myself and what i have….i feel hope coming back to me again and i feel relieved…no pain just relief…” This is exactly where I want to get to. Please celebrate this. This is a BIG deal and I am so happy that you are in such a beautiful place!!! YAY for you!
    Tallulah…I have missed you terribly! I absolutely loved what you said here….
    “I feel like this post is deepening and dotting the i’s for us about what to use our horse for.” Remember you mentioned in a poast to me on the other post where you mentioned about dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s. I loved that. I so want to just throw C on the back of my horse and ride FAST into the sunset and hope that he falls off into the mud but it is not happening that fast for me. Baby steps I guess. I loved your post!
    Cookie….I loved reading your post too. Look at how far you have come!!! I felt such joy in my heart when I read your post. I have missed you too!!

    Now I know that anger and rage are energy and transferrable but in my case I feel tghem transferring to deperssion rather than strength or Goddessness… can I turn this around and go back the other way or better yet just have the anger and rage just dissipate? Working on that. Reshi…I think so often of what you went thru before you left your X husband. The courage that you have amazes me and inspires me. I also keep trying to summon my Inner Goddess Self but alot of times she seems to be busy living her fulfilled jopy and love filled life and I can’t seem to reach her lately. LOL
    Love and hugs to all….

  18.  #18Cassandra on February 8, 2009 at 9:31 am

    OOOPs…I meant be IN a little boat not BE a little boat! Tallulah..I guess I am tired right along with you Love!

  19.  #19Reshi on February 8, 2009 at 10:15 am

    I feel glad to hear from you, Cassandra, I had been thinking about you and wondering how you’ve been doing.

    Right now I feel kind of crappy actually, some kind of mild depressed, annoyed feeling. It’s like I’ve been riding so high and now my mind is telling me that I can’t have what I want, and that no real man that would have me is ever going to measure up to my ideals, and that the man that I think I want is going to be one of those who will just use me for sex for a while as I fall in love with him, and then he will withdraw and go for other women and I’ll be miserable. I’m really feeling that strongly this morning, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed for sure.

    The way I feel about rage is like this: yes, it will bounce back stronger if you throw it out the window. The rage wants us to feel it, wants us to really feel those places that hurt because we’ve abandoned ourselves. It will get even angrier if we ignore it! But after feeling it and loving it and playing with it and Riffing with it, it is a lot less scary. I don’t think mine will ever be gone, there will always be something that will remind me of something that happened to me that made me angry.

    Having written that, having tried to help, makes me feel a little better about myself. I want to love others and I want to help others be happier and reach a higher place, and I feel uneasy, insecure, and scared about that. I feel no one wants my gifts and my love because they aren’t any good. Or maybe they aren’t any good because no one wants them. My dad and sisters took me out for my birthday last night and they were all talking and having a great time, but for a while I felt like if I were to just disappear, no one would notice. Not to mention, going out to eat always triggers my rage. So I found myself sitting there at the pizza place literally trying to lean so far back that I would merge into the wall. I just sat there and felt the anger come over me in waves…and once that had happened, I found myself included in the conversation again.

    But I still feel insecure about my gifts and talents. I’m going to be a bit of a prima donna here and say I was born with quite a few of them–but none are highly developed, none are professional-grade. I want to be professional at SOMETHING, and have something to give back to the world–I want to be able to give to the world so that I can get what I want. Take care of the world and then trust that it will take care of me. Put my Masculine energy out there and see what it brings back for me.

  20.  #20Rori Raye on February 8, 2009 at 2:11 pm

    Cassandra, and all working with going through the ‘tunnel” – Try this: Get out of the boat. Put your feet on the bottom of your tunnel, and slog through it. Being in the boat doesn’t give you the opportunity to see the gold and jewels that are in the bottom of the tunnel – even under sludge and water if that’s what you see and feel – and let it morph and change.

    You have to get to the bottom, you have to go through it. Feeling on edge and depressed and overwhelmed is your clue that you’re trying to avoid some feelings. And I guarantee you, as soon as you touch those feelings and let them out a bit – writing, speaking them to someone – you’ll get to a better place BENEATH those feelings – peace.

    It doesn’t solve circumstances – but, you know – sometimes we don’t have to solve circumstances. Sometimes we just need to get out of the way of the solution that’s happening.

    Sometimes we don’t like the solution that’s happening. If we can accept that it’s happening, it’s easier to take actions to affect what’s happening.

    Being in fear of what’s happening and avoiding feelings about us tends to paralyze us – the reverse of what we want. Love, Rori

  21.  #21Tracy on February 8, 2009 at 6:46 pm

    cassandra…thanks for the encouragement…i feel that the peace feeling comes and goes because i have such a long way to go in improving myself and i am stil taking baby steps…trust me i hav learnt that this is going to take sometime….i feel inspired and encouraged with your story and i feel full of hope.You are such a loving and kind person and i feel inspired to be just as loving and full of hope..i have faith that all is going to work out and were all going to be happy or at least continue the rest of our lives trying to be happy….i feel inspired by what rori just told u and i feel the same advise applies so much to me…
    this weekend my nasty voices were working overtime and i was feeling down and sad and the feeling of helplessness started creeping back…i tried really hard to catch them and just feel through them and trust me it was really hard…sometimes i managed but most times i failed…i feel encouraged that i am learning to identify these feeling…when they are there i don’t beat myself up and start cursing myself for being weak and feeling confused…now i feel the need to accept myself instead of blaming the world…to be at peace with who i am..i feel more encouraged and blessed to be just me…i feel i should let go of always trying to get a response or some sense of appreciation from others but be happy with just being me…it feels like i am getting to a better place and i feel relieved…
    big hugs cassandra and thanks for your encouragement…

  22.  #22Maria X on February 9, 2009 at 2:43 pm

    Hi all…I feel so yuckyyyy! since my imaginary relationship I met a guy whom fell head overheals for me, and convinced me to move in w/him and because of loneliness I’ve accepted gave up my apt. and here I am feeling miserable this guy I now see is so clingy that it makes me want to puke, yuckyyy! says that I will eventually fall for him, for me to give it time, but I don’t think so I just don’t feel it for him like that and know I never won’t and I’ve tried to tell him but he’s in denial…He’s very possessive wants me for himself only! and no if’s or buts…Everything for him is also DRAMA, I call him DRAMA QUEEN when he pisses me off…Now I understand how my ex must of felt when I was w/him…no wonder he used to say the hurtful things he said to me he just felt overwhelmed like I do now w/this new found one…Well I guess I’ll just have to try to find another apt. and just move out…I remember how much this new guy would tried and still tries to manipulate me…He’s 10 years older than me, but is very old looking looks like he’s 70 instead of 57, and another thing I don’t like anything about him either I have no chemistry whatsoever, yuck…I started feeling depressed but won’t give in…still feel for my ex but no longer desire him, he called me after 4 weeks and left me a voice mail, and I erased it, where in the past I’d pray for him to call nme back or just call him so I guess I’m making progress…Any one out there care to give me some input? Thanks to you all! xoxoxoxo

  23.  #23Flipper on February 9, 2009 at 4:46 pm

    Hi Maria X – Thanks for sharing your clingy-man experience, though I feel sorry that you’re paying such a heavy price for learning this lesson. Loneliness is such a bummer, but is not confined to people who live by themselves. Sometimes you can feel just as lonely when you are supposedly “with someone” who isn’t there for you emotionally. But you have the added problem of feeling trapped by your situation, with fewer options or more difficulties for changing it. You can do it all the same – the sooner the better.

    That guy sounds like a particular kind of abuser who disguises himself as a touchy-feely kind of person, but turns out to be all about himself. They’re usually very good about laying guilt trips on people. Best of luck (in creating your luck) to get out of there and into where you want to be as soon as possible. Big hugs.

  24.  #24cookie on February 9, 2009 at 5:59 pm

    I’m feeling awful right now. I’m feeling drained from this cold I caught from who knows. When I get sick I get wiped out which usually means that I have been neglecting myself. I’ve just finished catching up on all the posts. I feel jealous that rori never responds to any of my posts. I feel invisible when I read her posts directly answering what feels like everybody else but me. I feel childish saying that but io don’t want to feel unheard on this post, I don’t want to feel brushed off. Or passed over or

  25.  #25cookie on February 9, 2009 at 6:03 pm

    Forgotten about. I feel acknowledged by cassandra thank u. I don’t want to answer my own questions, that feels like being in my own head yet again. I want to receive love from even this source. I don’t want to feel cranky n send out messages like this one but I’m sending it anyway bc this is how I feel

  26.  #26heartbeat on February 12, 2009 at 12:44 am

    Maria I feel angry reading your comment, I want to shake you up and ask you where your power is. You don’t love, like or respect this man – so just move out.

  27.  #27Cassandra on February 12, 2009 at 10:23 am

    Rori…..please accept m,y sincerest apologies that I am just now…finally getting your response to me! I am so sorry that I just got it. Things have been so busy for me that I have only been able to keep up with the “ask your questions here’ page/ posts and just now had a chance to check these other posts. I so apologize for that. I feel so SPECIAL that you responded to me personally…..thank you. That feels so wonderful and very special…thank you. BTW…I am loving Re-Connect! I listen to it every day and am focusing on the emotions CD and the one about receiving love. I try to at least listen to 1 of those each day if not both of them!

    I had to giggle when I read your response to my post above – where you told me to get out of my boat! leave it to me to try to find an easy way around dealing with the soup and the REAL feelings right??! Everyone else can just get in and muddle thru their soup but no….I have to get in a boat!! At least it made me giggle and not cry though right?! LOL 🙂

    You said this….
    “You have to get to the bottom, you have to go through it. Feeling on edge and depressed and overwhelmed is your clue that you’re trying to avoid some feelings. And I guarantee you, as soon as you touch those feelings and let them out a bit – writing, speaking them to someone – you’ll get to a better place BENEATH those feelings – peace.”

    I really don’t feel like I know how. I don’t know how to really FEEL those feelings that I am clearly trying to avoid. I really don’t know how to get to them and allow myself to really feel them. And if I can’t feel them fully I can’t get thru them to the other side….where peace awaits. I just don’t know how and because of that you are right…..I feel I am paralyzed by it. How do I get to where I can allow myself to FEEL these things? Do you or anyone here have any suggestions as to how I can do that? Unless I get to the point where I can allow myself to feel them I am scared that I will stay paralyzed so to speak.

    I send you all so much love and tons of hugs!

  28.  #28alias girl on February 13, 2009 at 1:55 am

    cassandra i really liked rori’s reply to you as well. i related to it. i know for me i have trauma trapped in my body or pscyhe or whatever fom my childhood. i can’t access it or clear it out on demand. i wish bc if i could i would just tackle it all in a week and be done with it! but it really only comes up when i get frozen or if i get triggered with anger by something. if i really really pay attention in those two times i can hela parts of me. especially for me when i get frozen. i literally shut down and feel like i must stop everything and just stay very very still. i literally freeze up. and it seems no feelings are happening. but as soon as i riff in my frozen sate i access feelings and sometimes it’s bizarre stuff that i don’t even undrstand why i am feeling what i feel.

    riffing is the most significant tool for me. you will heal in your own time. you are healing. i see it. i feel happy and also relieved for it. xoxo

  29.  #29Cassandra on February 13, 2009 at 6:53 am

    Alias Girl,
    I was so happy to hear from you! I could totally relate to what you were saying about literally freezing up because there are times that I do that exact same thing. Mostly it happens to me when Charles does or says something that is spirit breaking or is so down-right nasty and hurtful that I just can’t take anymore and I just want to disappear. I can’t move, I can’t say anything, I can’t do anything in those moments. Thankfully it does not happen alot but I have been thru it. I have not however been able to riff myself thru it when it does happen but now with this post and remembering yours – it is my hope that if it happens to me again I will be able to handle it differently. He does not do that alot – it is always in the midst of a huge arguement and we don’t have those often at all, thank God! I am so glad that you are able to riff and get back to a better place. I have made a mental note if this so that if it does happen to me again whether it is triggered by C or anyone or anything else I will hopefully remember what to do to get myself back into better feeling emotions. I have become almost HYPERsensitive in a way as to what I am feeling in any given moment and am really trying to stay present and if my emotions go to a place where it does not feel good to me I try to look at why….what is going on around me or triggering me to feel this way BUT there are still alot of times where I am feeling nothing and that I can’t get to where I can feel something or know what it is that I am feeling. I hope that made some sense!! 🙂 It seems that either know for sure what I am feeling or I am feeling nothing at all and those are the moments that I am trying to work with ……feeling nothing at all or now knowing what I am feeling. Those for me are the moments where I get paralyzed and like you, can’t move. I am encouraged to hear taht you are moving through all of that!! Thanks for mentioning that you feel that I am indeed healing. That made me feel good! Baby steps I guess right?!! I send you a huge flower hug AG with lots of love!

  30.  #30Dana on February 13, 2009 at 2:51 pm

    thanks for this.. just wanted i needed to read right now in my life.

  31.  #31Sunshine on July 26, 2009 at 12:42 am

    Wow, this is the first time to this site. I think if we are still with ourselves the answer is there. I think the heart always knows what is real. I believe that knowing yourself in your love is important either you can or can’t give yourself to a man sexually without any feelings of remorse or quilt. I think some men are worthy of your love and some aren’t. Most important thing is to love yourself and this also takes time.

  32.  #32Rori Raye on July 26, 2009 at 12:23 pm

    Sunshine – Welcome, and thank you for your lovely post…Rori

  33.  #33ABC on November 10, 2009 at 5:04 pm

    ok, i know in Reconnect your relationship, rori you said to walk through the dark tunnel out to the meadow and better view and happy lives.

    i know that i need to channel, but sometimes i just go back and forth with anger and fear, fear of loosing him and letting go, angry that he’s not sorry for what ignoring me, then i go back to guilty that i ignore him back, then angry and depression again.

    i am trying to do what you said in the program, but i feel that i am going around and around but yet to find the sunlight and hope.

    why do we leave that door open to be softer to someone who’s hurt our feelings?? why do we even want to “be surprised?” by that person who neglected us?

    i find myself fighting my own feelings about giving him another chance and/or letting go of him.

    anxiety, is a big issue for me.

  34.  #34Rori Raye on November 12, 2009 at 4:33 pm

    ABC – This missing piece here is YOUR LIFE!!! The happy meadow with sunshine that you walk yourself into – you can help yourself with my Riffing Tool here – and make a chanelling List…find the post about it, and you can see everyone’s lists…Love, Rori

  35.  #35T on June 6, 2010 at 10:37 pm

    you made my day. i’m so happy to know that i don’t need closure. my boyfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago because he “hasn’t been in love with me for a year.” i am getting over the heartbreak because my friends and family did not like him and made me realize what an asshole he truly was. i wasn’t sure if i needed closure or not, but you’re right: I DONT NEED CLOSURE. it will hurt me more for him to say more nasty things to me. i am moving on and i DONT need CLOSURE to help me. thank you rori you are amazing and girls, you don’t need closure. there is a man out there for everyone!

  36.  #36Rori Raye on June 7, 2010 at 12:56 am

    T – Welcome – and so thrilled to hear you talking this way! Go girl! Love, Rori

  37.  #37Johnny on September 30, 2010 at 1:49 am

    This is not true. I vanished without a trace because my ex cheated on me. She still tries to contact me after 10 years for closure. She told all my friends and family that she just wanted closure from me before she gets married. She can’t believe I just disappeared without saying anything. But I can’t give closure to a cheater!

  38.  #38anubhuti on April 14, 2011 at 11:07 pm

    What a brilliant way of putting the whole thing. All this while I hoping for a closure myself….but I’m soo happy I read this…it makes me feel so much better.
    Much thanks Lori.

  39.  #39anubhuti on April 14, 2011 at 11:09 pm

    What a brilliant way of putting the whole thing. All this while I hoping for a closure myself….but I’m soo happy I read this…it makes me feel so much better. Much thanks Rori.

  40.  #40Nancy on February 27, 2012 at 1:59 am

    Johnny, that’s extreme. My boyfriend also disappeared without a trace – no goodbye – and I know for a fact he was paranoid I was cheating days before he ceased contact. It was a delusion he insisted on entertaining, not reality. Even if someone does fail us, it’s no excuse to bail out without an explanation or goodbye. We don’t need closure, we just get on with things, but let’s not take it to the extreem where we treat people we have professed to love in a disparaging way.

  41.  #41karen on March 24, 2012 at 9:47 am

    thank you rori, im still going through my “closure” but your advive helps enormously x