Oh My Goodness, It’s Raining Men…But What About My Ex?

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bad boyThe Question:

“Rori, I am feeling comforted having completed all of your programs in the complete collection almost done with toxic men, my last one to finish.

I was thinking of “how to get your man back ” and I may still but I jumped the gun and wrote a speech to my ex. We have been broken up a month and a half after an 8 mo. relationship at the end of which he told me he doesn’t know if he wants to get married but he still loves me etc.

I freaked out and pulled back and then he showed up unannounced and I ran away.

There was drama and then I cancelled plans to go with him to a wedding the next weekend and he was out of town and when he came back and he called me, I broke up with him.

He seemed unfazed and I said I would do counseling again and he didn’t want to and I left it at that… But I have still loved him.

I got your programs shortly thereafter… I saw it on face book and felt intrigued and I have been busy with my own exciting life and now I had 15 dates this week (10 from a speed dating event, 8 of the men reached out afterward). I have 5 dates this weekend with another slew in the pipeline. All because of you and your programs.

I have been circular dating my heart out and feeling good even though this is the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I have been dressing more colorfully etc.

In any case, I have been missing my ex and I sent him a speech and he got back to me saying he needs to think about talking further and will get back to me next week. I am feeling sad and excited and all sorts
of things and I am also feeling strong because I am feeling differently.

I do still love him and I want him back but I am not feeling weak about it. Of course, he may get back to me and say he doesn’t want to talk any more and I feel like I may be okay either way if he does that although I wouldn’t be unaffected. I would fee sad… but I want to make sure I am on the right track.

My speech was very long and I don’t even know if he got it… he texted to my initial text which was shorter.

I am not feeling great about feeling nonchalance in his reply especially him saying he is praying for me but I tried shifting my worldview after feeling bad telling myself – well that’s nice – at least he is still thinking of me – not denial though – I am feeling distance and he may feel distant or over me too – who knows – but I am feeling so good in my body that I feel like I can handle anything even that if he does it… As long as I don’t stuff feelings.

I feel good about my speech in one way because it feels so honest and circumvents games. At the end I was feeling like I am power struggling a lot with him and this was not power struggling but it didn’t feel like I am begging either…

If he comes back and wants to be friends or wants to be cordial, I can say I don’t want that. But I would love feedback on my speech and anything else.

It feels so good to feel strongly about him and feel okay with that and also to have other feelings of goodness that are not about him and to feel good about going on all these other dates too.

That feels new to me to have all of these feelings at once and it feels strong and healthy too. When I texted him last night, I was with a group of 30 or so men playing board games.

I went in the bathroom and spoke to myself saying “I am feeling excited, I am feeling anxious, nervous, etc. I also started to notice how beautiful I am in the mirror and how colorful my sweater was… I did all of your present timing tools which I have written down from all of the programs and I have been practicing so much and I realized wow.

This feels so different.

The big kahuna, the man I still feel loving feelings for and I don’t feel at his mercy but I feel open and the feelings are stronger than with another man but I am not feeling weaker with him than with another man.

That feels so good to me! I was also  feeling surprised that it only took a few minutes to feel calmed in the mirror and to feel beautiful.

To be feeling smiley and also feeling teary eyed at once… then as I was leaving game night, I was feeling sad and embarrassed in the car not having heard back from him… I started saying aloud in the car how I was feeling. I am feeling sad, I am feeling embarrassed… I am feeling shame, I am feeling afraid, lonely etc.

Again within minutes I was feeling strong without feeling closed off.

I have never had trouble with men falling in love at first and getting the girlfriend deal but I’ve always felt stuck at this point. I am 39 and I do want to be married with a family if possible.

Anyway, here is my speech that I emailed him…

“I feel angry hearing from someone else that we were broken up and never having heard from you again. I felt drained. I was feeling stuck in a cycle. I was feeling afraid of being dumped all the time and I didn’t
know why I was feeling that way but it wasn’t feeling good to me.

I didn’t want to keep my dating options closed off anymore but I didn’t want to stop seeing you either. I didn’t know where we were headed.

I don’t want to manage the pace. I feel old fashioned. I don’t want to lead. It feels good to me to feel led. I have felt so good with you when I have felt led. I have felt so attracted to you when I have felt
led. I felt insecure and I cooked you dinner and I made you pie and I didn’t want to be doing any of that. I was feeling so insecure.

I didn’t know what to do. I don’t want to feel exclusive lonely and stuck. I don’t want to be a girlfriend feeling insecure. I feel badly that things ended and for me it felt abrupt. I feel sad. I wasn’t feeling ready to meet. I was feeling afraid I was going to feel bad. I didn’t want to feel bad.

I didn’t want to feel dumped. I didn’t want to stop seeing you. I was feeling angry. I felt bad not hearing your voice more often. I don’t want therapy.

I don’t want exclusivity when I’m not engaged. I don’t want to feel nonchalant with a man. It feels so good to me to hear that I’m beautiful and loved. I want a man to feel like he has all the time he needs to make a choice. I want any man to feel free.

I need to feel free too. I want to keep my options open until I’m in a relationship with a man who feels committed to a future with me. I don’t want to feel exclusive as a girlfriend trying to make anything happen. I’ve been feeling unfinished.

I don’t want closure. I don’t want to feel dramatic. For me closure feels dramatic. I don’t want to play games. And I don’t want to be friends. Friends feels bad to me. I wasn’t feeling ready to talk. I am not feeling stuck and it would feel good to hear from you.

I’m not feeling good feeling like I’m talking to myself anymore so I’m not comfortable saying anymore without hearing from you. I was feeling  awkward having sent that text last night without any context and I don’t want to feel
awkward.

What do you think?

Like I said…. I received a text in the morning that he needs to think about it he is out of town and will reach out next week and he is praying for me…

I said that feels good to me and thank you for your prayers… that last part may not have been fully good because for some reason I don’t like hearing the praying thing. I feel distant when I hear it but I am
not beating myself up for that. Practice not perfection…Arlene…”

My Answer:

It’s not supposed to be this much work.

You’re not supposed to be doing the “heavy lifting.”

Feeling Messages and “communication” are not supposed to be all on your shoulders.

Love is not a talkfest.

Love and commitment may be two different things – but for a marriage to happen – one that will work – you need to have what YOU want before you can even get started – and what you WANT is a partner.

A man who – once he’s told by you exactly what you need – delivers.

A man who not only “can take” instruction and direction, who can not only “decipher” what it is you want from your true Feeling Statements – even when you can’t quite get it out straight – but who WANTS to understand, “get you,” and make you happy.

A man who is ACTIVELY wanting and working to make you happy.

Everything else is wasted motion.

Your only part in this is being absolutely truthful, honest, open, vulnerable, available and willing to go as deep as deep can go.

You’re not supposed to hold this up, or do the digging.

That’s what partnership is.

And – when I said your only part in this is “being absolutely truthful, honest, open, vulnerable, available and willing to go as deep as deep can go” – that’s not exactly a piece of cake.

Most of us have a huge resistance to ANYTHING new, deep, open, vulnerable, scary…

So – your work is inside YOU. It has NOTHING to do with “fixing” him – OR the relationship.

He may be there for now or for always – and you may not know until the opening is happening inside you in his presence – yet, he’s there right now.

If he’s there only to partner you in learning a bit about yourself and opening up to different ways of being, and not necessarily there for the full ride of lifepartnership, once you’ve discovered new things and learned not to work so hard on his behalf – you’ll become bored with him.

Your interest in him, in deciphering him, will fade.

It sounds to me, Arlene – like you’re working with this man in a lovely way, for yourself, and learning and experiencing all kinds of new and exciting things. BRAVA!!!

Once that glow has worn off, and you’re willing to look at how this man steps up into partnership, and how his “effort” feels to you long-term – you’ll get way clearer on the kind of partnership you truly want.

Love, Rori

 

 

 

 

 

 

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7 Comments

  1.  #1Mandy on September 27, 2016 at 1:29 pm

    SIRENS! I’VE MISSED YOU! AND I HAVE GREAT NEWS!

    I have done some DEEP digging personally this summer. I realized I was NOT happy with ME, being 35 and not having a valid career, failed relationships etc.

    Well, I’ve done so much work, I managed (with the help of my doctor!) to pull myself out of the quicksand that is depression, I kicked a bad habit, I signed up for vocational rehabilitation and they took me – as one of the first people who needs their help (first tier of people who need help). I started running again as my torn knee healed, I started drawing again, and I started making life plans. I am looking into Medical Assistance, Phlebotomy, things like that.

    It feels SO good to feel better. there were days I didn’t want to leave bed because I felt so hopeless, hence why I stopped visiting the blog. I just felt everything was pointless, I’ll always have the OCD, which makes the masculine part of me into overdrive and it’s something I’ll have forever.

    But I talked to my doc we messed with dosages and I feel better, I’m sleeping better, etc etc. I’m just SO glad to be out of that hole, that dark spot.

    I also realized I HIDE my mental issues from men. I’m afraid they will think I’m bat-poop crazy. But I told one of my CDs this exact thing, that I have been afraid and holding back, and he has come closer to me for it, and said he feels “honored” I would share such a private thing with him.

    I JUST wanted to let you know I MISS YOU and I’ll be back more, especially Rori and Dominique. Love you!

    Can I get a high five? 🙂



  2.  #2IamHis on September 27, 2016 at 7:42 pm

    Mandy – *high five*



  3.  #3IamHis on September 27, 2016 at 7:45 pm

    Ugggg, I feel extremely sad and stuck and disconnected.

    I just finished Commitment Blueprint and loved a large portion of it.

    Maybe it’s because I didn’t eat dinner. Something simple, like blood sugar.

    Going to go fix that.



  4.  #4Mistea1 on September 27, 2016 at 8:12 pm

    Mandy
    Congratulations on all the hard work. Be sure and take some time to reward yourself for the effort. You are worth it.



  5.  #5Mistea1 on September 27, 2016 at 8:14 pm

    Iamhis
    I just started on Rori’s program. I know a good diet is important to our well-being. Good luck to you.



  6.  #6Femininewoman on September 27, 2016 at 8:22 pm

    Yayyy Mandy



  7.  #7Mistea1 on September 27, 2016 at 8:38 pm

    OK Sirens, How young is too young? As long as they are over 21?

    i suppose this is good. I’m not very good about how to do feeling messages either. so at least I can practice. on them.

    I’m not sure of the overt flirting either. This is so complicated!

    When we share hugs there is a comforting solid feeling of a reasuring person there. Not like the other one of nothing there.

    I am old enough that I’ve been though and done all this before. Now I’m feeling so awkward. Aargh!

    Oh well, maybe what’s old is new again?