Openness And Resolve – Talk About It Without Defending Yourself

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I saw this on the web and liked it – from Calle Zorro

Sometimes, when a spouse realizes that they cannot ignore or get out of a conversation, they may try to shut you down and stop you cold by counter-attacking you.

If this happens, you simply acknowledge that you are completely open to discussing and resolving all issues in a manner that is satisfactory to both of you… but that you are not going to let other issues distract either one of you from addressing one thing at a time… starting with the issues you have already raised… and when those are resolved, THEN the two of you can move to the next set of issues to resolve.

Love, Rori
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1 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 7:48 am

    This is about not taking things personal



  2.  #2Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 7:53 am

    “Here’s another way to look at this … your wife cannot be attracted to you if you allow her to bridle and harness you to the wagon of her whims, wishes, fits, tantrums, or orders.”



  3.  #3MissStix on August 30, 2012 at 8:09 am

    Simple, concise, true, and easy to enact!



  4.  #4Calypso on August 30, 2012 at 8:18 am

    Funny – people do this at work all the time – you need to coach them for making an error or doing something wrong and they want to distract you with 15 other things they want to talk about . . . it’s easy to say, “we will address your concerns one at a time when we are finished talking about the reason you have been called in here” . . . when it is a work situation . . . different when it is your spouse or significant other . . . where emotions rule ~



  5.  #5Calypso on August 30, 2012 at 8:21 am

    JC came to get me from Girl’s Night and took me to dinner. We were just finishing up when he got there, but he got to meet my mom and 3 of my friends and talk for a few minutes. I asked one of my friends for her initial gut feel about him – she said he seemed very nice, friendly and happy. She thought he seemed easy going, but with good manners – like he had a good upbringing – casual/classy . . . I agree.

    He is taking me to lunch today. Seems we can’t quite get enough of each other. We met a week ago today ~ tomorrow is the Blue Moon . . .



  6.  #6Emoticon on August 30, 2012 at 8:26 am

    something is going on 🙂



  7.  #7Rebecca on August 30, 2012 at 8:40 am

    1: Femininewoman says:

    This is about not taking things personal

    I am curious FW, I am not picking that up at all….



  8.  #8Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 8:47 am

    Rebecca we are different so it is okay to see things differently. I want to not take things personally when someone attacks or “counter attack”.

    Being “completely open to discussing and resolving all issues in a manner that is satisfactory to both of you” means not taking things personally, for me.



  9.  #9Siren Angel on August 30, 2012 at 8:56 am

    FW, I am back at my home this week because school has started again here in Canada this week and it’s more stable for routine.
    Also, I work mostly from home and this is much better for me to work.
    In any case, yes I feel a deep need to take care of myself and kiddie for now. It allows me space to do my yoga, did a Ho’opono’pono 1 hour meditation last night and want to do yoga at home tonight.

    I don’t feel as bad today but I know there will be ups and downs in the next few days. In any case, I am totally leaning back now and evaluating my feelings and options.

    Thank you so much for your input.



  10.  #10MissStix on August 30, 2012 at 8:57 am

    I feel soft, teary, and confused today.

    I had a powerful dream and it is affecting me.

    I knew I would have a powerful dream before I fell asleep. The tree materialized behind my eyelids as I closed them. So real. So dimensional. I could have plucked a leaf right off it’s branches. As if it truely existed there in the darkness.

    A history before the dream. A tall, independant, funny, masculine man. He runs his own flooring business. I knew him in highschool. He is a friend of my brother. He taught us how to lay hardwood when we renovated my building. I have always felt his attraction to me. It seemed like a giggly thing. Cute and frivilous. Flirty and light. I never took it seriously. I was never available.

    Until that party. A keg party. A costume party. A sexy party.

    I was single. He didn’t know it yet.

    He was hanging with my bro on the front deck when I arrived. I was lookin’ hot in my little plaid skirt, pigtails, white shirt and tie. Baby-doll high heels.

    He has a way of saying hello to me. I could never re-create it in written words..,

    “Hell-o R____” A knowing smile crinkles his eyes. As if he always thinks of the same private joke whenever he sees me. I can’t help it…I always look down shyly when he greets me. “Hey TallD” I always find my courage to smile at him.

    “You are….Wow! I never knew you had legs like that!!!”

    He looked me up and down and I felt heat in my cheeks and fire low and dep in my belly.

    “Hubby let you come to this party alone?” Teasing. Smiling. Flashing eyes.

    Look down. Sh*t. Another person I gotta tell this to.

    “No more hubby TallD.” Keep your back straight. Smile. Say it in a teasing way.

    “What????” 😮

    “Yup! Free at last!” Wink. Smile.

    “Woah…” Teasing gone. Serious. Why so serious TallD?

    Fast forward. Beers flowing. Music pumping. Go out on the deck for a smoke. Feel a hand running up my leg. Turn around.

    “Hell-o R_____”

    We were inseperable for the rest of the night. Flirting. Touching. He kissed me once before I left and my cuz literally dragged me by the arm to go home.

    Queue the hugest crush of my adult life.

    I didn’t have his number. He didn’t have mine. I suspect he did not want to ask my brother for it. I later heard from bro that he had been seeing someone (casually) at the time.

    The next time we saw each other was near a year later. At my place at my party. G was with me. I did not know TallD was there.

    I lined up for the bathroom with G at my side. The door pops open…

    “Hell-o R____”

    Hot red face! He held my eyes in an intense gaze for what felt like eternity.

    “Is this your 6ft boyfriend?”

    “What does that mean?” giggles

    “Just what it sounds like.”

    I literally RAN into the bathroom. Hot, flushed. I do not know why he called him my “6ft boyfriend”. TallD is probably 6’7.

    Sigh. I have written so much already. I will write out my dream after I decompress a little. I feel rocked by the dream. He made love to me in my dream.

    Maybe I won’t write it. It is the first time (in a dream OR reality) where I made a decision to cheat on my partner. It was so real. And I liked it…I feel slammed up against a wall. The feelings of the dream still linger on my skin and in my belly. I woke up next to G and I wished the dream had been real. Oh sadness. You are not a cheat MissStix. It was just a dream.



  11.  #11Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 9:06 am

    He might have called him 6ft boyfriend to make himself feel good, knowing he is taller. Making your boyfriend smaller in both your eyes. Wonder if you told G about the dream if it could bring him closer?



  12.  #12MissStix on August 30, 2012 at 9:07 am

    Holy wow…I feel exposed right now.

    If someone I know happened accross that post they would know exactly who I am and who i’m talking about.

    No one I know will read it. Omg. I feel brisk panic in my belly.



  13.  #13Rebecca on August 30, 2012 at 9:08 am

    FW

    He he! Yes, we are different. I have the song Everyday People in my head now..

    Sometimes I’m right then I can be wrong
    My own beliefs are in my songs
    A butcher, a banker, a drummer and then
    Makes no difference what group I’m in
    I am everyday people

    There is a blue one who can’t accept
    The green one for living with
    A black ones tryin’ to be a skinny one
    Different strokes for different folks
    And so on and so on and scooby dooby dooby

    Ooh sha sha
    We gotta live together
    [ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/s/sly_and_the_family_stone/everyday_people.html ]
    I am no better and neither are you
    We’re all the same whatever we do
    You love me you hate me
    You know me and then
    Still can’t figure out the bag I’m in
    I am everyday people

    There is a long man
    That doesn’t like the short man
    For being such a rich one
    That will not help the poor one
    Different strokes for different folks
    And so on and so on scooby dooby dooby

    Ooh sha sha
    We got to live together

    There is a yellow one that won’t
    Accept the black one
    That won’t accept the red one
    That won’t accept the white one

    Different strokes for different folks
    And so on and so on and
    Scooby dooby dooby
    Ooh sha sha
    I am everyday people



  14.  #14MissStix on August 30, 2012 at 9:09 am

    FW

    Whewf…I don’t know! That’s a thinker. I need to sit within that for a while.

    It would have to be told in just the right way.



  15.  #15Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 9:16 am

    We are attracted to people often times because they are manifesting what is hidden or latent in ourselves.

    Todd Creager



  16.  #16Smile on August 30, 2012 at 9:17 am

    Miss stix, I often have fears of being ‘discovered’. The blig feels secretive for me to. But I know if anyone did fund me here. Similar circumstances would have brought them to the blog also so hope they would feel compassion.



  17.  #17Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 9:18 am

    I, Rori, am fully equipped to release any condition that is no longer appropriate in my life…it is safe for me to do this now



  18.  #18Smile on August 30, 2012 at 9:18 am

    Sorry for typos on phone. I can re read what I’ve written on here.



  19.  #19bloom-ing on August 30, 2012 at 9:19 am

    miss stix, maybe your dream could show you a different perspective on your past experiences about “cheating”… what do you think?

    i’ve had many “cheating” dreams – usually based on “confusion” – like, i realize they are not my boyfriend only after we’re kissing…. hm. haven’t had those dreams in years though now lol….

    also, it strikes me like fw says – maybe you’re attracted to his artistic-physical-labor lifestyle… that sounds similar to what you describe with a photography passion leading to work….



  20.  #20Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 9:20 am

    “When You’re Unhappy In The Present, It’s Not Uncommon For Your Mind To Begin To Reminisce About The Good Times You’ve Had With Someone In The Past.”



  21.  #21MissStix on August 30, 2012 at 9:22 am

    :S That resonates heavily femininewoman. It feel uncomfortable.

    I have a lot of questions running around my brain in this moment..

    Do I feel tied down by G?

    Did I date enough?

    Did I give myself enough chance to explore and experience different men?

    Maybe I desire a little discomfort. TallD’s gaze is potent and I admit I get a thrill from how un-comfortable he makes me. I suspect he knows what how he makes me feel and enjoys how it makes him feel powerful. I know any “relationship” with him would be hot and heavy and teasing but shallow.



  22.  #22MissStix on August 30, 2012 at 9:30 am

    Bloom-ing

    Yes! His lifestyle is very attractive to me. His building of a business with his own hands. His drive, power, confidence, masculinity. He is very artistic at the same time. You are bang on with that. He plays bass guitar.

    I think it strums my desire to “shack up” and just live within moments. He is also a provider. My desire to release control, be taken care of, and dominated…in a sense.



  23.  #23Smile on August 30, 2012 at 9:31 am

    I am guilty of this!

    “When You’re Unhappy In The Present, It’s Not Uncommon For Your Mind To Begin To Reminisce About The Good Times You’ve Had With Someone In The Past.”

    But only because I have no man. But I do feel happier by myself than I intially thought I would. The thought of living alone a few months ago felt like death to me. Now it doesn’t bother me.



  24.  #24maruluna on August 30, 2012 at 9:33 am

    OK sirens, some advice or at least words of focus and empowerment needed.

    I had a little conversation with my guy last night in bed and in the dark. He asked if I was doing OK. So I said that in most aspects of my life work, son, friends yes. But that between him and me not so great.

    I had told him earlier yesterday that I missed connecting with him. His response was “Isn’t it something that I’m here?” I said “yes it is ‘something’, but that I missed coneecting with him.”

    So in the evening when he asked if I was ok and I gave my response he said that he thinks I’m focusing too much on the relationship and should focus on other things. He even said that right now he doesn’t feel attracted to me becuase of that.

    So I’m trying to balance being focused on myself and allowing the relationship to just be where it is for now. I don’t want to shut myself off emotionally to him, but it seems that this is what I have to do to in order to truly put my focus elsewhere.

    My fear is that without any emotional connection from either of us that our relationship is going to become a platonic roommate situation with no spark.

    Do I kiss him when I get home? Or do I just smile and say Hi? Do I sleep in the other bedroom? Do I resist giving him hugs or holding his hand when we walk together? I don’t want to chase. But I also don’t want to shut my feelings and actions down.

    Mostly, I just want to know how on earth to turn the tables so that he will chase ME. How do I balance being independent and slightly out of reach if we’re living together? It’s very tricky to do.



  25.  #25Smile on August 30, 2012 at 9:39 am

    Tam,
    I have thought about this lots. My fear is seeing someone I know on there. I don’t know why this bothers me so much?



  26.  #26ruth on August 30, 2012 at 9:39 am

    Maru

    this is where you focus on YOU
    On your feelings
    what you like to do

    not on him at all

    Go out with friends, go for a beautiful walk, to a concert, whatever you love that makes you feel good

    paint your nails
    get lost in a good book

    If he approaches you then just stay open



  27.  #27ruth on August 30, 2012 at 9:41 am

    Maru

    this is where you focus on YOU
    On your feelings
    what you like to do

    not on him at all

    Go out with friends, go for a beautiful walk, to a concert, whatever you love that makes you feel good

    paint your nails
    get lost in a good book

    If he approaches you then just stay open

    I cant recall the exact details of your situation-are you exclusive?



  28.  #28ruth on August 30, 2012 at 9:43 am

    oh heck, what happened there??

    I think Roris reconnect programme is excellent



  29.  #29ruth on August 30, 2012 at 9:45 am

    Maru
    you dont have to shut off emotionally at all
    Feel your feelings
    but let him approach you and lean back



  30.  #30MissStix on August 30, 2012 at 9:49 am

    Bloom-ing says

    “Maybe your dream could show you a different perspective on you past experiences about cheating…What do you think?”

    At first I thought “I don’t know about that…”

    But yes. Yes! The more I roll this around in my mind the more it makes sense. This is the first time in my life I have ever felt that desire. I never understood it…Though it was a dream it was real enough that I felt it deeply. It still lingers and clings to me. I have been awake for hours. When I awoke to wishes for the dream to be real I felt no less desire or love for G…He is also a powerful sexy man. His love and desire for me run deep. I feel it like an ancient river flowing inside him. I see it. I know it. This is more important to me than anything right now.

    We talked about children the other night. It felt weird and serious but fun and playful. Did that conversation have a hand in this? It was on my mind a lot yesterday.

    One of the biggest blessings I thanked the universe for during my divorce was our lack of children. No innocents were harmed.



  31.  #31ruth on August 30, 2012 at 9:50 am

    I recall reading one of roris E letters from when she was having trouble in heer marriage and trying to fix things-and it wasnt working
    One day she just got home and sat on the rug playing with her baby daughter
    her husband arrived home and she didnt jump up to greet him as per usual, she just sat there enjoying her daughter, enjoying the moment

    She says that is when things turned around
    when she stopped focusing on him

    it sounds so simple!



  32.  #32ruth on August 30, 2012 at 9:53 am

    Miss Stix, maybe your subconscious is doing “closure” for you with TallD so you can move on with G
    I dont know



  33.  #33Tam on August 30, 2012 at 9:58 am

    25 Smile about your fear…that’s very topical.
    I just had a guy contact me on the dating website (Florida) telling me that we have a common friend and told me the name….I felt weird about that.

    I feel kind of ‘found out’ and a little uncomfortable. It is a male friend I am reasonably close to (the common friend), and I wonder how they came to know that the other guy was chatting with me. They must have talked about me…that feels scary…and nice in a way.

    And I am talking about a metropolis here in Florida, not some backwater…jeepers, millions of people..and always the same ones pop up in life.
    Smile don’t worry….



  34.  #34Smile on August 30, 2012 at 10:01 am

    I think my fear is also to do with my profession. I want to remain to be seen as a professional. I can only be found on fb if you are a mutual friend of a friend.



  35.  #35Olympia on August 30, 2012 at 10:02 am

    ((((maruluna))))) I think Ruth’s advice is good. Focus on making yourself feel good, give yourself love, and feel your feelings.

    MissStix – I have been having explicit dreams lately too! I think it is because I made the decision to wait until I am in a committed relationship, and try to correct past mistakes of having physical intimacy before emotional. Different situation than yours, but the dreams definitely are jarring when I wake up!

    I feel so happy. I posted here a couple days ago about a CD I have feelings for. Last night I saw him in a group, and I leaned way back – physically in my chair – and he totally carried the conversation and it put me so at ease. I was originally going to tell him that I had feelings for him since I was unsure if he was interested or not — but I didn’t have to! He asked me out for next week on his own!

    Finally, I was in a work meeting yesterday and was feeling anxiety bubbling up in my stomach. I totally used the idea (talked about by Daria on the blog earlier I believe) to breathe in through my nose the love that I receive and breathe out through my mouth love onto myself. It really did help calm me down.

    (((sirens)))



  36.  #36MissStix on August 30, 2012 at 10:04 am

    Ruth

    Food for thought! I had not considered that perspective. Thank you!



  37.  #37ruth on August 30, 2012 at 10:05 am

    fair enough Smile.The professional thing resonates with me too

    Okay, this is so bad its hilarious

    Tragic perm piccy

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/7736510@N08/4355986414/in/set-72157623007580076/



  38.  #38ruth on August 30, 2012 at 10:06 am

    35 Olympia, its not my advice its Roris stuff

    🙂



  39.  #39MissStix on August 30, 2012 at 10:07 am

    I had just finished thinking it feels like unfinished business! Ruth your comment showed up at the right time to anchor that thought. Blessed.



  40.  #40ruth on August 30, 2012 at 10:10 am

    Miss Stix
    🙂



  41.  #41Smile on August 30, 2012 at 10:14 am

    Ruth, you look happy and free with a perm!



  42.  #42MissStix on August 30, 2012 at 10:18 am

    “from CoW to WoW”

    I like this. I reapeat it over and over in my brain. It feels alien, but…It feels good like a rhythmic quick shift from negative to positive.

    The two are opposites, yet there is no space between them.

    This looks liquid in my mind. Like an edgeless watery yin and yang. It is blue and yellow.



  43.  #43Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 10:20 am

    Maru it sounds like Rori’s program Reconnect Your Relationship could really help you. In it she shares tools and walk you through visualizations where you imagine love coming at you from all over. Just believing the man you are with is beautiful and loves. Being present, loving on objects around you and bringing that energy to yourself. Kinda internally surrounding yourself in a bubble of love, no matter what is going on outside you. I highly recommend that program.



  44.  #44ruth on August 30, 2012 at 10:20 am

    yes but Smile, oh DEAR(I like the picture though.Its Brighton)

    My hair is usually all over the place anyway, I never did learn to blow dry and im always running so its just long and tied up and crazy



  45.  #45Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 10:22 am

    BTW Maru MissStix shared on the last article how she sucked power and strength from the air around her as she moved away from what was triggering. You might wish to read that to kind of sink into the feelings and imagery it paints.



  46.  #46ruth on August 30, 2012 at 10:23 am

    43 FW
    seconded
    Reconnect is superb



  47.  #47Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 10:24 am

    Maru:- I totally used the idea (talked about by Daria on the blog earlier I believe) to breathe in through my nose the love that I receive and breathe out through my mouth love onto myself.

    This is one right here.



  48.  #48bloom-ing on August 30, 2012 at 10:25 am

    ruth, that picture is lovely : )) i love wild hair & that sweater looks hand-knit…. plus the waves ???? seems perfect !



  49.  #49Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 10:26 am

    I going for a walk to see the love around me and breathe it in the air through my nostrils and out my mouth onto myself. I think of myself as sensual just imagining this.



  50.  #50Tam on August 30, 2012 at 10:28 am

    37 Ruuuuuuuth!!!!! You look so super cute in that pic, really!!!! And that little frown on your face.
    It’s actually a lovely pic.
    Tad windy…



  51.  #51ruth on August 30, 2012 at 10:31 am

    hah Blooming
    it was a perm that went wrong but I love that photo now too
    I didnt when i was 25 LOL

    I hid it away for years
    then hardly any photos of me between 27 and 38 as i avoided cameras
    (was fat)

    But then running
    And we all look AWFUL when running but somehow that didnt matter,the fat didnt matter,And now i love the photos.Love taking them, love being in gorgeous places
    And i feel sad for the lost years with no records



  52.  #52Tam on August 30, 2012 at 10:31 am

    I wish I could buy lots and lots of the programs….but I have trouble feeding myself right now (not even to mention clothing…I can’t remember the last time I walked into a clothes shop)
    But I sooooo want the programmes…..argh.
    I just soak all the stuff up. FW, I loved what you wrote about being in a bubble of love and all that. aaaaah



  53.  #53Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 10:32 am

    Ruth I think the pic is gorgeous. I felt so connected looking into your eyes. I felt it all the way down to my heart.



  54.  #54ruth on August 30, 2012 at 10:40 am

    53 FW

    wow

    oh, that feels strange
    But nice strange
    🙂
    I know what you mean

    I am looking at the other old photos and sort of mesemerised by the eyes too
    It feels so strange looking at young me.I hated myself so much and that is such a waste

    They dont work that well(there I flipping well go again)



  55.  #55Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 10:41 am

    I tend to cry when I look at younger photos of myself



  56.  #56Smile on August 30, 2012 at 10:42 am

    (( feminiwoman)) I feel sadness when I read about you crying



  57.  #57ruth on August 30, 2012 at 10:47 am

    FW, well I only recently got mine out to scan in
    I have always keep a diary and oh God, i thought i looked so so ugly and fat
    its crazy!

    Now i cherish my photos for the other associated memories.Even if they are awful photos( and if you look on the site you will see some dreadful one).
    I still cherish them cos they are all i have of that time other than my unreliable memory and a few words i might have written at the time

    I regret the *lost years*
    Now i take lots and lots of photos of places i have been , not just running

    Wish i had started doing it earlier

    yeah, sometimes i cry too



  58.  #58Tam on August 30, 2012 at 10:48 am

    I wish I could tell young me some of the things I know now.
    I would say ‘you’re beautiful, clever and all will be well’
    I hated myself too, everything about me. Body, hair, teeth etc.
    Now when I look at the pics I see a cute and very shy, sad and confused young woman.

    Yet there are some, particularly with my bf at the time, where I look relaxed and happy and very smiley. He was very good for me and good to me and he did wonders for my happiness and self esteem…



  59.  #59Smile on August 30, 2012 at 10:49 am

    I’m thinking about Defriending strummingmans mum on fb. She was so excited about us getting together. Last time I saw her was when we signed the contract for the house at Xmas. Now it just brings up waves of emotions as I see pics of her grandchildren knowing strummingman so desperately wants children.

    I would feel rude just defending her. She doesn’t really tend to get involved with our relationships. She let’s her ‘boys get on with it’ but she did write she loves me lots on my wall once when we first had a wobble.



  60.  #60ruth on August 30, 2012 at 10:51 am

    Smile you have to do whats best for you
    You cant worry about other people

    Just sayin



  61.  #61Smile on August 30, 2012 at 10:51 am

    These things are really impotent to me feeling able to move forward. It’s not about closure. Just don’t want to feel stuck.



  62.  #62maruluna on August 30, 2012 at 10:51 am

    Ugh, so much meditation. 😉
    Thanks ladies.
    Off to focus on work and my kids. The highschool ones that is.

    hope you all feel light and bright today.



  63.  #63ruth on August 30, 2012 at 10:53 am

    Cut the cords Smile
    it feels as though you are more than ready to move on



  64.  #64Siren Angel on August 30, 2012 at 11:00 am

    Smile, you could simply exclude her from your FB posts and choose not to see her feeds. As well, not visit her profile. Maybe even looking at the pictures and getting triggered and moving past the feelings is also a way to heal if it is not unbearable emotionaly for you.



  65.  #65Siren Angel on August 30, 2012 at 11:02 am

    ((((FW))))



  66.  #66Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 11:02 am

    Tam you still can talk to her



  67.  #67Tam on August 30, 2012 at 11:06 am

    This is true FW, I have read about doing that being helpful. Might do that tonight!! 🙂



  68.  #68Smile on August 30, 2012 at 11:14 am

    Thanks Ruth and siren angel

    I am so ready to move on.

    I have been full circle with my feelings on this one. I went back through text messages yesterday from strummingman to trigger emotions to heal. I feel more at ease with these emotions now. Maybe it would feel easier to do this with the pictures too.

    At first I thought I don’t want to just block her, I want to delete her. I want her to know I’m moving on and her boys missed out. But this felt like drama to me.



  69.  #69Smile on August 30, 2012 at 11:20 am

    I am moving on and excited about the future but I still feel a space in me holding a shining light for strummingman to guide him to me.



  70.  #70ruth on August 30, 2012 at 11:20 am

    last self indulgent pic

    But
    A jumpsuit and a record player
    LOL

    And a reminder that even though I was blonde for almost 20 years, thats not my colour really



  71.  #72ruth on August 30, 2012 at 11:25 am

    Smile you will be your own guiding light



  72.  #73Heart on August 30, 2012 at 11:26 am

    Starbright – I think it’s strange that you don’t see that as worrisome . I talked about it too a few of my married friends )Male and Female) and they all saw it as Red Flag Behavior. Maybe your standards might be a bit low?

    Feminine Women – Actually No…I think CuddleyGrinch knows he is acting out. He sent me a long lengthy email the nexy day Outlining his weekend. I sense he is testing my boundaries and nervous about my reaction to it. When we first started seeing each other…nothing was posted on his FB page. I don’t think he’s acting like a responsible adult at all….I think he is Acting Different From his usual self.
    Anyway, Are you actually dating anyone or in a relationship?
    How long was your longest relationship? Your advice is so helpful but We on this site rarely ever hear anything about your own lovelife.

    Anyway – I miss the feeling of being Crazy for someone and haing them feel crazy about you back. I miss Connecting with someone on a Soul level….I miss that walking on air feeing.
    I miss respecting a man and being awesone by him. I miss the comfort and power that comes from being Special. I love the way a man treats me When He is Into Me.
    …Sigh.



  73.  #74Heart on August 30, 2012 at 11:30 am

    sorry about all the typos – im writing from a mobile.



  74.  #75Smile on August 30, 2012 at 11:31 am

    Ruth, that feels heartwarming to read. Beautiful!

    Ps jump suits are all the rage at the min! My friend a
    Has one 



  75.  #76ruth on August 30, 2012 at 11:33 am

    Smile, I WANT another jumpsuit but i must not go there!
    🙂



  76.  #77Tam on August 30, 2012 at 11:34 am

    I miss alk that too Heart, and when I really truly reflect, I haven’t had ‘the real thing’ for 10 years. Little bits of it maybe, moments.
    I feel sad thinking it could be 10 more years or never.
    I will be happy with myself but I would live a man in my life.



  77.  #78MissStix on August 30, 2012 at 11:35 am

    So much thinking going on in my brain…

    Ruth looks cute. Windblown and free. Even if she wasn’t feeling it…

    I released any un-finished business. Maybe that party was the one time I should have gone home with a man. I knew him well. I choose to assume that if I truely should have…I would have. Things happen the way they happen in ways beyond my ability to reason.

    So how do I move forward in a positive way? In a way conductive to growing my current relationship…

    I don’t know if telling G about the dream is the way to go. I am going back and forth. On one side of my brain I know I could have that conversation in the right way. However, it would certainly be unsettling no matter how well I say it.

    I am leaning towards not telling about the dream specifically, but still somehow expressing this desire to be “dominated” in a sense…Lack of a better word. I want to express to him that I desire a measure of discomfort. I want to tell him to make me squirm a little.

    I don’t know what that conversation looks like yet.



  78.  #79Tam on August 30, 2012 at 11:35 am

    Live and love! Typos!! 😉



  79.  #80ruth on August 30, 2012 at 11:40 am

    I love typos

    hm, this carcass needs to be dragged out the door for a run



  80.  #81Belle on August 30, 2012 at 11:43 am

    Smile

    I wonder what you imagine would happen if you let yourself feel stuck for a minute? Things started changing like crazy for me when I started allowing myself to really feel stuff I didn’t like to feel…which brings me to my next thought…

    To me, triggers are a call to become more than ever before.

    Whenever we fully and deeply feel all of the feelings of a trigger, it’s like Daria mentioned in the previous thread, the next time it comes along and it’s much less intense, it gets easier and easier. Our bodies are very smart and adapt and create new neural pathways and whatever else our bodies need to accomodate more feeling.

    I’ve heard Gay Hendricks say that he believes the purpose of the body is to hold more and more infinity…the thought feels good to me and when I remember it, I feel so good about triggers and feel excited about them…ohh..!! more infinity coming through! Woot!!

    ~~~~~
    I found a way to deal with the C situation.
    It has been very very important to me, for some reason, to be extremely gentle with him and to not blaze out on him in a big fiery thing and let this thing dissolve on it’s own.

    I’ve been very conscious of it feeling like an umbilical cord between us, and allowing it to be like a lotus birth, where the placenta is allowed to stay attached to the baby until it falls off on it’s own a few days later rather than cutting it. Cutting a cord is violent and leaves scars and a masculine action.

    Allowing it to detach in it’s own time is feminine.

    I felt disrespected by him yesterday, as if he was acting bratty and entitled and I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the way he was kind of screwing his friend at work over…I assumed she knew…I mean, 3 or 4 of my friends know all about it and have been reflecting to me the learning in it.

    I didn’t like the lying aspect of it, but wasn’t sure how to address it. I didn’t want to give an ultimatum, I didn’t want to reject him, and I didn’t want things to keep going the way they were. So I took it to a higher level this morning.

    This morning I was imagining all kinds of FM’s, conversations, how I might deflect him…and remembered…
    Oh! I don’t have to figure this out. I don’t have to practice or rehearse or do anything, I can let go and give this to G0d (is that a moderation word?) and drop the oars and not do anything.

    Then I imagined our hands on each other’s hearts and a prayer came to me:

    G0d/Goddess
    Bless and sanctify our hearts and minds
    So that our love and affection for each other serves our highest good.

    May Your love blossom and shine through us.
    May we feel the velvet touch of Your grace upon our souls.
    May the beauty of Your love be expressed in our care for one another
    May our every thought, word and deed by guided buy Your vision for our lives.
    May we see ourselves, each other , and all life through Your eyes
    The eyes of Infinite Divine Compassionate Love
    Love that flows like water through our being
    Love that cools and soothes, heals all wounds, sets all tings right,
    love that illuminates the shadows of our past and is our beacon into the future
    We feel deep gratitude and bubbling joy as we fully receive YOur gifts
    Through each other
    Without shame
    Without guilt
    Knowing we are worthy
    Knowing we are Your love made manifest
    May Your truth live in and through us
    Radiant and pure
    We do affirm and feel the knowing in our hearts that before we even ask it is given

    And so it is.

    It felt so powerful, so I made up some cards with the prayer with one of my drawings on the front and gave one to him.

    (I don’t go to church or even consider myself to be aligned with any particular faith but this stuff just pours out of me every now and then).

    I also gave one to another co-worker who is a
    deacon and it brought him to tears, and reminded him of when he used to write prayers and I encouraged him to get back on it.

    And it’s been calm today. He’s doing his thing, staying away, no running past my door a hundred times trying to get my attention. Without a word from me.

    I feel better about myself, and especially around our other co-worker who knows him and his gf.
    I feel like I beat him up with a velvet glove 🙂 He’s so used to violence and his particular street culture that I’m sure he doesn’t even know what hit him but I know he feels it and
    I feel
    done.

    In other news I had a wonderful date last night with my lover who is beyond a Good Man. He is an Extraordinary Man, what Good Men wish they could be 😀 There is so much I had forgotten and took for granted from long ago and when we reminisced I was moved to tears at how real and deep and steadfast his love has been for me all this time.

    When I told him I was practicing being more feminine he made a point to come to my door, open the car door for me, pull out my chair at the restaurant, and made it clear that he was paying.



  81.  #82ruth on August 30, 2012 at 11:45 am

    ooooooh belle that felt powerful to read

    i have so much to learn



  82.  #83Belle on August 30, 2012 at 11:50 am

    Got cut off but anyway
    I’m feeling yum
    and relieved
    and good and satisfied.

    I feel gratitude for Rori and FM’s and all of the tools to show me the way back to my feminine power. It feels frickin’ amazing to use the tools with the images in my mind.
    Happythankyoumoreplease 😀



  83.  #84MissStix on August 30, 2012 at 11:50 am

    Beautiful belle!

    I was enthralled in your post!



  84.  #85Heart on August 30, 2012 at 11:51 am

    # 77 – Tam – Three Cheers for the Real Thing.
    It’s so much easier when You Actually Are the Air a Man Breathes rather than just telling yourself you are…lol!

    Ruth – lol@carcass ….Cute pic.



  85.  #86Mel on August 30, 2012 at 11:51 am

    ((((Turquoise))))

    I’ve just been catching up. I feel angry and protective at the way C has been treating you lately. It feels good to hear that you are simply disengaging from these toxic confrontations to take care of yourself. 🙂 It’s not easy!

    Also, I wanted to say that I feel cheery and delighted to read your updates. To see you being SUCH a siren and enjoying every moment.

    As for Mr. C, there’s nothing wrong with keeping the door open… as long as he knows that that door is also open for any other Turquoise-worthy man to step through. You are “difficult” not easy… (your level of difficulty, that is) and you wait around for no one… Because quite simply, you don’t have to!

    Love ya!
    xo



  86.  #87Smile on August 30, 2012 at 11:59 am

    Belle,

    Thank you for your question. Feeling stuck…

    Ive been feeling my stuckness for 12 months now. Especially the last 9 months since strummingman told me he wasn’t moving in. I’ve felt my sadness through and through. Now I want to wriggle free from it’s trap. At first it was difficult to get on my horse. I kept falling off. Now I’m on and have been trotting for a while. Strummingman is still hanging onto my saddle but I want to gallop!

    I’ve been constantly triggering myself to bring up emotions. Yes this does work, it feels less intense. Im facing it head on. Nothing is being hidden or stuffed away. Hence me being on the blog so much. I’m really trying to feel. Feel everything, not just about relationships.



  87.  #88Smile on August 30, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    Hm maybe if I gallop strumming man will fall off? Or maybe he’ll find the strength to jump up on the saddle. Either way I’m not trotting to make it easy for anyone to climb on.



  88.  #89Mel on August 30, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    Heart,

    Hello. 🙂 How long had you been dating cuddygrinch?



  89.  #90Smile on August 30, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    Galloping feels like raising my degree of difficulty!

    I’m a high quality siren 



  90.  #91MissStix on August 30, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    Turning my thoughts to G…I want to begin with building him up in my mind. A lot of this is on me. Yes he is a warm and cuddly bear. He is silly and goofy and comfort. He makes me giggle. I think it is one of his favourite things to do. Because although I have a deeper voice I squeal rediculously when tickled or threatened. Silly man. He’s being too cute lately.

    Shift it…This man is also big and strong. Sexy. Ooo I love his swagger. It’s actually a limp from a blown out knee years ago. Dam though…It’s a sexy swag. I love his long torso…mmm This man has, and will put me right up over his shoulder if I get cheeky. He is like a thunderstorm when he’s truely angry. Harmless but mighty and electrified. Hmmm rawr!! hehe

    Nope. All wrong. I don’t want to come at him like “grrrrawr!”…I want him to come at me! Intense. Lightly threatening but thrilling.

    Will he do this naturally I wonder? If I shift my own vibe to prey will he naturally become hunter?



  91.  #92Belle on August 30, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    78

    MissStix

    If it were my dream, what I would notice are the intense feelings and the hesitation to share my BIG feelings in my inner world with my mate (which reflects feeling like cheating on him with someone thrilling and exciting).

    I might wonder, where am I cheating myself out of thrilling, intense experiences.

    I would notice that it was *my* dream, the other guy was nowhere near, so therefore I created the feelings MYSELF, no cheating necessary.
    I would ask myself, what would it take to create those feelings in my life without needing to “cheat” or be or feel duplicitous? Can I integrate these aspects of my personality into my conscious, waking life?

    I wonder if any of this resonates with you?



  92.  #93Smile on August 30, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    Actually in real life I’m dam scared of even sitting on a horse let alone galloping! I fear their power, strength and unpredictabiliy. I love imagery!



  93.  #94Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    Heart I try to stay in the present so I only dredge up history when I feel the need. I am 50+ and cdating. I don’t want to focus my energy on any one man right now. Life is feeling good.



  94.  #95Smile on August 30, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    Being stuck feels like having too much to do but no energy to do it because your worn out from feeling such intense emotions

    ((smile))



  95.  #96Belle on August 30, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    Smile
    87

    I smiled when I read this and felt a big breath and sigh flow through.
    I thought of a butterfly emerging from her cocoon, wings sticky, gentle gentle a little at a time…a leg..and a wing…and a little more and a little more until
    she gently breaks free and stretches her wings, gingerly stretching, testing, testing until her wings dry and she is free to dance on the wind.

    Then I laughed and thought about SM dragging behind your horse, “Well, if you gallop fast and long enough, he’ll have to let go and you’ll leave him in the dust eventually.”
    Giddyup!



  96.  #97Smile on August 30, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    Stuck feels like having visions about something. how you want things to be but not making it happen. It remains just that. A thought.



  97.  #98Smile on August 30, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    96- there’s your energy smile!

    Thank you belle! Beautiful! Brought a tear to my eye.



  98.  #99Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    Anyone in Mississippi



  99.  #100MissStix on August 30, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    Belle

    It does resonate. I know your post makes sense but it still feels blocked and confusing to me…

    If I get right down into it I think my mind manifested a particular man who demonstrated something, and awakened specific desires within me. Desires and intense feelings I had never felt before. Or that I buried deep…

    I do not think this dream means I want to cheat. It sure shook me up, but the more I sit in it the more I realize it is just feelings I crave. Not another man. Up popped D because he embodies an energy that naturally strokes those feelings.

    I believe I can find those feelings with G. I can shift my own energy to draw him into that aspect of his masculinity. I know he posesses it. I can sink myself into a state that will naturally conduct that energy.

    I still don’t quite know what that looks or feels like, but it should be a fun paractice!

    Any help is welcome! Analysis and suggestions welcomed from all!



  100.  #101Calypso on August 30, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    I enjoyed my lunch date with JC. We are really starting to be comfortable with each other. He asked me today if I would consider going out of town with him for a few days in November to celebrate his birthday…

    We met a week ago today, so this all seems kind of crazy, but I have honestly lost count of how many dates we have been on or how many times we have seen each other already.

    He is persuing me and I am letting him – I can’t help smile when I am with him and it just all feels so natural and easy . . . how did this happen?



  101.  #102Daria on August 30, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    Smile – often since this feminine energy practice I don’t have to ‘do’ anything to ‘make it happen’

    I just vision it, share my feelings and passion about it with everyone, and open to receive it… It just happens! And the actions I do take are inspired and effortless.

    It feels magical!



  102.  #103Smile on August 30, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    Ruth, I am my own guiding light. I just realised how dark it’s gotten. I need to switch a lamp on. I feel like I’m wallowing away.



  103.  #104Belle on August 30, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    Smile
    93
    Scared???
    or..
    EXCITED?? 😀

    I’m imagining you saying, “to heck with this” and taking some riding classes. Or something else that gets your pulse racing.



  104.  #105Tam on August 30, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    I’ve been stuck for a while too, Smile, you summed it up pretty well. Feels like living below one’s potential.

    I hope to change that soon, explore new things and broaden my horizons etc.

    Hoping for that, no more putting life on hold and living in the present rather than past..



  105.  #106Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 12:26 pm


  106.  #107MissStix on August 30, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    Ps

    I’m not a big talker in real life. Sharing is difficult, and G knows that. I practice a lot of sharing through action, body language, energy etc. Instead of words. Although I practice speaking words also I don’t excel at it.



  107.  #108Smile on August 30, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    Daria, I think I can do this for most part, however I feel curious to know how you think this looks with my house situation?

    I can only think of practical ways to move forward with the house. Strummingmans furniture etc is all here. Although now he’s coming to shift it. I havdnt been able to throw things out because they are truley sentimental things. I have it in my head that by moving I will be cutting these ties. I’m moving to where I have more friends and not memories of a relationship that didn’t work.



  108.  #109ruth on August 30, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    Tam and smile
    You ladies do not feel at all stuck to me

    you are moving



  109.  #110Laughing Goddess on August 30, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    106: I’m not able to listen to the audio right now but I watched and she looks gorgeous!

    I feel inspired.



  110.  #111MissStix on August 30, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    106

    Very good!



  111.  #112Tam on August 30, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    thank you Ruth!



  112.  #113Smile on August 30, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    106- thanks FW and dominique!

    Ive noticed I haven’t watched tv in at least maybe a month? I’ve spent a long time in a quiet and empty house. This has been so valuable in feeling my feelings. I often go out though, I work a demanding jobs and am a social butterfly but I really value the quiet space I have when I come home. I use to always have the radio on or the tv for background noise.



  113.  #114Smile on August 30, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    Belle, love this twist! maybe a motorbike!!!!



  114.  #115Smile on August 30, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    Thanks ruth 



  115.  #116Daria on August 30, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    Gosh Ruth, that just feels awful!

    I feel just so sad hearing a woman refer to herself – her little girl – this way. I know it’s meant to be funny and it’s encouraged in some cultures to do so, and it just really feels awful to read and know a little girl is listening. Humor is often a way to cover vulnerability I learned from Rori.

    Is there anything I can do to Encourage you to stop? I know youre here to do this practice with roris tools . This Really feels hugely important to the work you’re here to do.

    After the communication earlier, I feel really powerless here. I would like to ask Rori to help or encourage you to write to her or Dominique – they may have an easier time communicating about this in a way that doesn’t trigger you.

    Everytime I read that , my lil girl feels so so sad and desperate, as if she’s being called those names. Feels terrible :(. :(. :(.

    I feel way safe knowing We’re here to call ourselves goddesses, gifts, yummy pies and sirens. Not to do the old ways of doing things that didn’t work. Even cultural ways like putting others first, being polite, or joking in ways that don’t serve our little girl. I wonder if there’s a way to direct the humor so that it supports and honors the little girl inside you instead? A way that isn’t making fun of her, no matter how funny it is to the other parts of self? Maybejust experiment with replacing that joke and see how it feels?

    Please ignore if none of this speaks to you.



  116.  #117Smile on August 30, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    I think I read something recently about being stuck and what it looks like and how to move forward. I’ll have a look.



  117.  #118Daria on August 30, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    I was feeling triggered by the carcass comment



  118.  #119Heart on August 30, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    Mel – early summer but I did some travelling in between…him as well. So there is a big gap in between.



  119.  #120Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    Me too but I knew Daria would address it so I choose not to comment.



  120.  #121Daria on August 30, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    I wonder What this showed up for me to heal? Powerlessness? I feel like I’m begging. Not being heard? I have no power here.

    How heartbreaking. 🙁
    I feel so misunderstood.

    I have no power in how someone else treats themselves, and if they choose to abuse themselves the easiest thing for me to do is express my Feelings, then walk away. I can skip posts that trigger me too much. I can assume the magic will happen without me.

    Why does everyone hate me so that they would ostracize me for being upset that they’re hurting Themselves ???? This is an nv. I am feeling triggered. I’m feeling disturbed desperate and upset.

    Desperate begging does not inspire people.

    I can feel heartbroken and share that and let it go, I feel so sad.



  121.  #122Mel on August 30, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    Hi Daria,

    My little girl is asking if you wanna go to the park and play with us? :p

    I’m feeling playful today!



  122.  #123Heart on August 30, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    By big gap I mean 3-4 weeks…



  123.  #124Rebecca on August 30, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    Ruth

    Wow, I love what you say about the photos and running! Wow. It’s almost inspirational to me. I’ve had similar a-ha moments in my life, though have to say I’ve never managed to loose any weight..



  124.  #125Daria on August 30, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    Smile – hehe well one idea I had was CD like crazy, let a man come over, and make love all over that furniture! Lol

    Even the CD like crazy part will be enough.

    Otherwise I would just feel my feelings until I found myself inspired to make changes in the house. Maybe make it fun for me like a non timed, creative game 🙂



  125.  #126Smile on August 30, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    I found this and thought it might be helpful to read… I love the bit at the end where Rori says she will step in to help when necessary just like she did the other day.

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/targeting-mr-right/power-self-esteem/

    Also Daria, she mentioned you specifically. Thought it would be useful for a lot of sirens to read!

    If you need help, Daria’s comments might help you – she Riffs fearlessly…read some of her comments and see how far she’s willing to go!
    If it turns into a nasty mess – I’ll jump in and try to buoy it all up…but wouldn’t it be great if we could create here some of the “chaos” you find out in the world, and then learn to work through it in a powerful – FUN and HAPPY way?

    Here’s to shaking it up!

    Love, Rori



  126.  #127Heart on August 30, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    Femininity isn’t always Pink and Sireny and feathery.
    Femininity is also earthy and dark.

    I love your Carcass comment Ruth.
    Your inner Witch needs to be served as well.



  127.  #128Daria on August 30, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    Mel aww thanks! Yay we can play at the park and after sleep over here cuz it’s nite and talk and laugh and imagine stuff together!! That would feel so funn funn funn I have a friend yay Mel! That feels so yayy to be invited!



  128.  #129Rebecca on August 30, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    ((((daria))))))



  129.  #130Smile on August 30, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    Daria! I love that! Maybe I can give this cd thing a go!

    I also remember your house game where you took one thing from one room into another, have I remembered correctly!



  130.  #131Belle on August 30, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    121

    Daria

    Can you give other people permission to hurt themselves and allow them their experience? Is it possible for you to LOVE that other people are going to hurt themselves and that’s part of their process and maybe not a bad thing?

    Are you hurting yourself over other people hurting themselves?



  131.  #132Mel on August 30, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    Hey Heart,

    Did he ever ask about being exclusive?

    I’m just recalling an experience, early on in my CDing career, when I started to really like this one guy (sexysarcastic). We had been seeing each other for like two months, when I discovered he was still using his online dating profile.

    At first, I felt incensed! How DARE he?! Then I just turned it around…

    That should me, actually…. I should be using my online dating profile SO much that it doesn’t even matter to me what he does/doesn’t do. If any man WANTS me to STOP using my profile, they will specifically ASK me to be exclusive. I will not assume exclusivity with anyone. It will be requested. And I will CHOOSE to accept or not.

    That made me feel so powerful! It was all up to me. I just accepted lovely dinner invite after lovely outing request until the right man showed up. And I didn’t even see him coming!

    Maybe my point is… if you are seeing loads of other guys, it might not bother you so much to learn that one of them may or may not be casually dating others.

    Please disregard if this doesn’t “fit.” 🙂



  132.  #133Mel on August 30, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    Daria,

    You have been such a sweet online friend… I wish we lived closer! That sounds like a blast!



  133.  #134Iamabutterfly on August 30, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    This article reminds me of my parents’ marriage, and makes me feel sad. 🙁

    We did NOT communicate in my family, and when my parents DID communicate, they were always either attacking or defending each other.



  134.  #135ruth on August 30, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    Daria
    118
    that really was a joke and I wasnt beating myself up at that time
    But your words do ring true for other stuff i say about myself, i think I said earlier that we Brits do use a lot of self deprecation but i know i take it too far and it becomes a habit that ulitmately is destructive

    So, thankyou

    I dont feel triggered right now
    you are speaking sense to me but it feels bad that I am triggering you

    eek

    its my problem!

    And i seem to have lost the power of communication yet again, sorry

    Hugs an love

    I do see what you are saying
    This is a very, very ingrained habit for me and i know its is not a good thing



  135.  #136Smile on August 30, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    Daria, 126- I still consider myself to be a new siren
    I often read you feel misunderstood on the blog.
    Reading this article from Rori helped me to understand you more and the chaos that sometimes arises on the blog. I wonder if it helps other sirens.



  136.  #137Daria on August 30, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    Whoa I don’t feel good seeing a siren put herself down. Turning it to an inner witch thing feel exciting and mysterious,

    But my little girl still feels scared that shell be put down again, soon.

    And I feel mad.

    And I feel mad at having that encouraged.

    The truth is – The intent of the comment did not come out as feeding an inner witch – it came across as putting oneself down and making a joke of oneself.

    What if a man told you to ‘Move your carcass you silly cow?’
    Well it would feel awful and thAts how I felt. Or maybe it would feel funny till it starts to feel bad. I know how easy it is for Me to overlook being made fun of, till I’m one if the boys all numb with a bruised heart and not knowing quite what’s wrong since its all humor.

    And if you don’t care, well you don’t have to, but I feel mad!

    I do Not want my sirens talked to this way! Feeling pist

    Basically I’m heading a fuchk you Daria, who cares what you say, what Rori teaches, I want to continue doing it this way that harms me and makes you feel bad and shocked and jarred and uncomfortable.

    And guess what . You can. And I can continue to say how fuchkin Awful it feels

    And later on of course it will all work out the way I’m encouraging anyway, cuz everyone will get that it just Feels better. But since I have this desperate energy, my magic is getting blocked cuz I’m feeling unworthy

    And you know wha… I Still Feel Mad.

    Even if I’m creating this block

    I feel fuchkin mad.

    So mad about other things



  137.  #138ruth on August 30, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    121
    daria

    I ffel sad that you feellike this

    you are loved on this blog
    I lurked for a long time before posting and that much is obvious
    you are loved and held in high esteem

    so squash those NV and I am sorry if i trigered you
    But i am a long long way behind in the healing and I probably have 20 , no 30 years of self abuse to undo



  138.  #139Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    Belle – part of the point that Rori says that she will not allow us to beat ourselves up on her watch is that it draggggggs down our self-esteem and practically reverses any healing we have accomplished. Many times we are unconscious of our patterned self-talk and what we write helps us to identify what is unconscious. In simplier terms it is self defeating to beat up on onself because we also attract men to help us do our dirty work.



  139.  #140Rebecca on August 30, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    I don’t see Ruth as ‘hurting’ herself… Hmmm… I wonder what I’m missing… Feel confused, like I am missing a link here…



  140.  #141Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    Ruth – Awareness is Key



  141.  #142Rebecca on August 30, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    I saw Ruth as being honest and vulnerable.. I feel strange.. And sad …



  142.  #143ruth on August 30, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    116
    Humour covering vulnerability

    yep

    Spot on

    100%

    it is rife in medical culture too, its now we protect ourselves form pain

    Not saying its right
    but thats what happens



  143.  #144Smile on August 30, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    Ruth, would you find it useful to read the article I just posted. Hope it helps x



  144.  #145Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    Yes Rebecca – honest and vulnerable. Truthful also in saying how she is thinking of herself.

    We use this to raise our awareness. How we see ourselves is how the world sees us. How we treat ourselves is how the world treat us.



  145.  #146ruth on August 30, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    Urgh, Im feeling *really* vulnerable and want to run away but i must not

    It feels threatening, but I know I need to stand up and face this at some point, so why not now

    hm
    Deep breath



  146.  #147ruth on August 30, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    Smile that was one of the first articles i read on here
    I went straight to the self esteem section(i *know* it s abig isue for me)

    thank you



  147.  #148Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    Ruth you are brave. I remember initially experiencing you like a tortoise. Occassionally sticking your head out for a minute and then quickly pulling it back. You are getting stronger



  148.  #149Daria on August 30, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    Like my parents being mean to each other, and my fear of saying something about how I feel as i imagine it will turn on Me just like this

    How Dare you encourage that se speak kindly to each other! You Bully! You’re all in our business!!

    Ugh!!!

    I feel so pist.

    Soo triggered.

    Well I’m practicing this shit here. So I can learn to live through it and do what makes me feel better, sharing my feelings and that I don’t want people put down around me

    Regardless of how anyone else feels.

    Yup. You heard right. I will express myself regardless how anyone else feels about it

    Haha ! I will defy all you who want to battle and silence me – this is all in my head, ladies on blog –

    By being me and expressing myself

    And I’d someone says something that feels bad.. I will speak up. Every. Single. Time.

    And I will Win. Cuz I am doing it for my healing, and it will get easier and I’ll be more powerful in short time.

    Like I always am.

    So go ahead, put someone down. You’ll know I’m expressing myself, even if you skip my posts.

    Cuz I am That Bad Ass.

    So there! Ha.

    This is great practice already:

    Whew

    I feel do full of energy from stuffing this down my whole life.

    Hell naw I don’t want to be made uncomfortable, or swallow my feelings.

    And if I get attacked and feel like dying, it will pasa.

    Wow this feels Big. Im starti g to feel scared.

    Ol babysteps.

    Yeah I’m gonna use a simple ‘whoa, I feel pain’ (translated)

    And tweak from there

    Yay this will change Everything! I feel scared.
    No wonder I felt so triggered, so much healing is coming from this.



  149.  #150Belle on August 30, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    Daria

    I feel excited and charged up and wondering if a breakthrough might happen 😀

    If those are Roris’ rules then notify her and she can enforce them.

    In the meantime you are beating yourself up over a few words that were said at least a day ago, and not even to you, if not longer.

    Do you see?
    Can you feel how much it hurts?
    Are you the only one allowed to beat yourself up as long as you use FM’s?



  150.  #151Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    Humour covering vulnerability – this brings hot tears to my eyes, swirling fear in my gut and burning snot in my nose.

    I feel so fearful to turn around and face myself.



  151.  #152Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    You go Bad Ass!!



  152.  #153Smile on August 30, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    Belle- Rori did step in on the last post.



  153.  #154Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    “I feel do full of energy from stuffing this down my whole life” – it feels like hot lava swirling around my heart just reading this.



  154.  #155Heart on August 30, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    Mel – I’m not Circular Dating….I’m just dating.
    It doesn’t fit in my case. I didn’t want a commitment from him. He brought it up early and said exclusivity was Understood between too people hanging out…But I avoided the talk of it Since I was into Manboy
    and didn’t want to be tied down in case Manboy came around.
    Now my feelings are changing.
    Cuddleygrinch/time made me forget about Manboy…I feel turned off by Manboy now.
    I’m liking CuddleyGrinch now…but He’s starting to change.

    The thing is a few days ago. I didn’t want a commitment. I declined his invitation and went out with friends.
    But when I saw the pictures felt shocked and awful.
    And then I felt the need to claim him!

    My Guyfriend has told me that CuddleyGrinch is doing that as a strategy to make me Want him more and I think he’s right….Because now I’m focusing on him Way to Much!

    Whatever…I’m balancing out…and need to focus on a project next week…so I’m just putting CuddleyGrinch on the backburner….If he’s still keen I’ll date him in October.



  155.  #156ruth on August 30, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    Rebecca
    it a long ingrained habit of joky put downs
    Do it before someone can do it to you

    make people laugh
    deflect away form the serious stuff and how badly i might feel about myself by making a joke of it

    its not self abuse as i define it, but ultimately it is very destructive

    Im so used to hearing it, both in my own voice and culturally that i dont react to it like daria does, not even in other people

    but, its not good
    When i did CBT(of, and NLP too), well, it was all about just changing the language one used about oneself.even if you didnt believe it. just talking about oneself in a non negative way is a start

    Your reation feels intriguing and unsettling daria

    Could be very helpful to me
    Cos i am quite happy to hurt myself, but not other people

    Cold be just the(oh God here i go again) kick up the bum I need to sort it

    Right, okay

    Im going to make a real effort about this from here on in

    feel free to pull me up if i do it again

    thank you daria



  156.  #157ruth on August 30, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    152 FW

    I got the hot tears

    the snot is a matter of time



  157.  #158Daria on August 30, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    Thanks Ruth . I feel honored and heard. Sorry about any pressure from me. I want us all to feel happy and get there Fast (((( sirens))))

    It doesn’t take as long to undo as we practiced it .

    1 2 3 4 5 times of being aware and doing Something different (even if that something winds up not feeling so great either).. Any lil step diferent than the old pattern step, even just noticing ourselves doing the old pattern step – and the pattern gets healed and long gone

    Just a few tweaks here and there. Nothing gets thrown away that we like – not humor, not fun, not bonding or being seen, nothing.

    We Take All our stuff and with a tweak here a d there it all turns into something Healed magical.

    Rori says underneath all the ‘garbage’ there is Always treasure. Always.

    It’s really all worth it. All the triggered feelings I just felt getting me a big babystep closer to what I want in my real life .



  158.  #159ruth on August 30, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    yeah, here is to undoing
    Ping!

    I needed a bit of presure daria

    didnt realise i had backslid quite so badly

    Ta
    xx



  159.  #160Smile on August 30, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    “You Can Get Unstuck Fast…”
     

    Hi, This is Rori…

    So – What exactly does being “stuck” LOOK like?

    Being stuck ALWAYS looks like you’re in your head. 
     
    You’re thinking. 
     
       You might even be “spinning” your thoughts – bouncing from one extreme idea to another, stopping only long enough to beat yourself up about what you’re thinking about.

        Perhaps you’re thinking and feeling that you will never have the life you want, never have the LOVE you want, it’s just not in the cards, not in the stars, not possible in the world as it is right now and as men are right now.  

    So – now that we know what it LOOKS like, what does being stuck FEEL like?

    Perhaps you feel: 
     
       “I want to stay exactly where I am.  I do NOT wish to move forward.
     
        I only want to stay in my thoughts, keep doing what I’m doing, go somewhere where I’m safe, where I’m comfortable, where I’ve laid it out so nothing triggers me and everything stays the same.  

        But – at the same time – I wish for MORE!  I wish for even more love, more passion, more dreams coming true, more excitement and happiness and fun and even money.”

    Perhaps it feels like: “It’s as though I want more – but I don’t want to move from my spot.”

    So here we are – stuck between what we really want and where we feel comfortable. 

    And no amount of “thinking” is going to change that.
     
       What changes it is “action.” Small steps toward “MORE” that aren’t so scary they make you tense up. Small steps that actually FEEL good and get you quick enough results that you truly WANT to do more of them.

    Getting unstuck is  a process where you sneak up on yourself. 
     
       It’s “stealth-like.”

        You do things that are fun and effortles and just a little bit challenging – and before you know it you’ve made a huge leap in a new direction without activating your defensive armor.

        Without getting your inner “Nasty Voice” all ticked off and in motion.

        You sort of “slide by” all your patterns before your system goes on “alert.”

        If you’d like some new Tools (ones only my clients normally get) to help you slide by your defense system, sneak past your old patterns, and loosen up the stuckness you feel and think…take a look at my “Love Forever” program==>



  160.  #161Daria on August 30, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    Wow Ruth I feel l trembly and for a moment I felt warm and held like I got a hug from my mom ( my favorite hugs so far)

    I feel so moved to feel heard and I feel Loved!

    I feel crying too

    I did it I expressed myself and I was heard and stuff is changing and I’m not powerless ohh. I feel so

    Vulnerable
    And now I’m laughing too that I’m here crying in the dark and I feel Emily now and my heart feels safe and open

    And I want more, more hugs and that feelung that someone cares about me and would not want to hurt me

    And now I feel guilty thinking of a time I wasn’t willing to do thAt for someone and now I’m aware that that’s a pattern of bringing me down about when I get too high up the happiness ladder and I feel smily cuz now I noticed it so it’s already changed



  161.  #162Heart on August 30, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    #137- (((Daria)))



  162.  #163turquoise on August 30, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    Well, just had to cancel my date for tonight… my daughter didn’t tell me it was open house. I feel disappointed, but if he’s a decent guy he will understand and we can reschedule.

    Thanks Mel! That all meant a lot, and thank you for saying it’s ok to leave the door open…. I was taking it more as like being strung along or feeling I should wait. He never asked me to.



  163.  #164Belle on August 30, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    “Belle- Rori did step in on the last post”

    okay, so then it’s not about what it seems…
    so I’ll feel in (I feel so alive!)

    What I feel is…
    ha!
    Related to FW’s first post.
    Not taking it personally.

    It hurts when we believe the stuff we hear that we don’t like is TRUE.

    When we know it’s not true, and there’s no wound there from believing stuff parents or other’s said when we were small and powerless

    It hurts when it feels true and there is a wound.

    It’s neutral, funny, feels good, doesn’t matter when it’s not true, or it IS true and accepted fully, no wound around it.

    I’m seeing here, and in my own life, that it really isn’t necessarily the best thing to keep sharing triggers and triggering other people with our triggers and creating chaos and letting it sort itself out. It does the trick, but I feel like there are other, gentler possibilities.
    I wonder what they are?
    Hmm..



  164.  #165Daria on August 30, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    Wow this blog is a real magical healing place like Hige energy healing of the world.

    Thank you for being here.



  165.  #166ruth on August 30, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    161 Daria

    it feels strange that someone I have never met would be hurt by what i said about myself, that they would even care

    I honestly had never considered that what i did to myself might affect others
    light bulb moment !!

    this will give me the motivations to stop doing it



  166.  #167Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 1:43 pm

    Belle – YESS!!!

    Also – here, on the blog, we work through our triggers. As Rori puts it “we want to trigger ourselves”. It’s like getting through it before it shows up in real life. So that when it does we don’t take it personally. She shares in Reconnect ways that she deliberately triggers herself.



  167.  #168Belle on August 30, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    I feel good that it seemed to work out between Daria and Ruth…
    I’m still feeling though, that growth doesn’t have to come through so much pain.

    Maybe that’s just a message for me, though, that I can grow without watching the board all day feeling trigger after trigger.

    What is really possible here I wonder?
    I can feel another prayer coming on…:D



  168.  #169Daria on August 30, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    Thanks heart that felt soothing . Sorry for ‘yelling at’ you in that post. Thank you for treating me kindly and giving me a hug. That feels so safe and I feel all little and loved and hugged and safe.

    Whoa. I got a feeling I never had here on blog before just now, of being in with the women in my family and knowing I’m loved and feeling trust and safety and closeness.



  169.  #170Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    “growth doesn’t have to come through so much pain”.

    It doesn’t and it does change. But as humans we tend to use the automatic negative override.



  170.  #171Heart on August 30, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    I think Rori Raye is a genius…her work/tools have helped me do much to get into my body, to find my feelings, to communicate …I even got my Mom to start using feeling messages and now we have amazing conversations where we both feel so connected and understood (So Shocking!)

    But I don’t agree with Everything Rori says.
    Some of the things she suggests — I wouldn’t do.
    Some of her teachings I don’t agree with..
    This is not a Cult. I can think for myself.
    I feel triggered by Daria’s comment.
    I feel unsafe and defensive.



  171.  #172Daria on August 30, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    Belle – thank you for supporting me to feel good. It feels scary, but deeply loving to me to be there looking at my painful feelings … It feels way diff than beating myself up… And I feel worried I don’t want to make anyone wrong of push anyone away.

    Looking at my feelings doesn’t feel like sadistically torturing myself and telling myself things to feel guilty… It feels more like sitting in a storm and hugging a frightened child, so really as scary as the storm is, sharing that hug is worth it.

    And I know from experience the aftereffects of my change in behavior in real life will be awesome

    Smh

    The peaceful power woman weathered the storm and now feels ready for sleep



  172.  #173Heart on August 30, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    #169 – Daria – I feel guilty now for posting I felt unsafe…and defensive…LOL….



  173.  #174Daria on August 30, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    FW – I feel honored and like I have a powerful someone behind me when the storm feels overwhelming.

    Thank you for that. I honor you.



  174.  #175ruth on August 30, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    168 belle
    it felt very painful and scary to go through
    and I avoided that yesterday cos i wasnt ready
    Glad i have done it though

    I think the internet is a difficult communication medium for this sort of stuff, as I have said, you cant access the non verbal cues, the smile, the touch of the hand to say its okay, you know the sort of thing

    But I guess i could have just not sai anything, or walked away for a while

    I chose not to

    I think it would be gentler if i ws sitting in a room with all you girls and i could see you, and your faces, and you could see mine



  175.  #176Daria on August 30, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    Heart – wow I don’t even feel triggered reading that now!

    I feel so happy and open and loving.

    So glad to have you here!



  176.  #177Daria on August 30, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    Intensity to soft and gentle rolling into bliss

    All sirens even the ones who don’t think I mean you…I do mean you. Love like fresh clouds of support to All of you and our island



  177.  #178Daria on August 30, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    Back to say ((((((ruth)))))

    You are brave and beautiful and powerful and kind.

    A lovely goddess, your name makes ne think of… Well lol

    Feeling embarrassed!!!!

    It makes me think of having deep inside sex while my mouth and my mans are hungry lost in one another

    Eeeek

    🙂

    Wow that felt amazing to imagine actually, I’m now Totally adding that to my ideal relationship ‘reminder visions’

    Oh wow I feel excited, I don’t ‘have’ this before… Now I do

    Thank you ruth … You inspire me



  178.  #179Annie on August 30, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    I decided to speak my truth and reiterate how I felt and what I wanted and respected that he didn’t want the same. Unbelievable have now been asked if I want a gang bang, Righteo. It’s not working to good for me. Felt so despondent earlier, feels difficult not to spiral down and listen to the negative voices which are telling me that no body is ever going to want me what I want my boys and my situation. Started to feel really wobbly pondering if I look like I’m up for a ganbang then. I do feel triggered by this. So what’s the message with that then. Sigh. Then it felt good to feel the warm water from the shower making me feel better and calmer.



  179.  #180ruth on August 30, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    Daria

    178

    whew!

    powerful (gorgeous) image but Im not quite sure how my name does that

    🙂



  180.  #181LoveAlways on August 30, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    Really good post Rori!



  181.  #182Daria on August 30, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    Ruth – not sure either! Some of it is about starting in ‘rut’. And ending like ‘earth’ and then I see reddish wet earth clay and the the vision

    Thank you



  182.  #183ruth on August 30, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    179 Annie
    I feel yucky reading that

    what a sleazeball

    Now most men are NOT like that

    you just had bad luck and he managed to cloak his nastiness in enough respectability to waste your time
    still, thats *all * you wasted

    NEXT!



  183.  #184Annie on August 30, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    “Sometimes, when a spouse realizes that they cannot ignore or get out of a conversation, they may try to shut you down and stop you cold by counter-attacking you.

    If this happens, you simply acknowledge that you are completely open to discussing and resolving all issues in a manner that is satisfactory to both of you… but that you are not going to let other issues distract either one of you from addressing one thing at a time… starting with the issues you have already raised… and when those are resolved, THEN the two of you can move to the next set of issues to resolve.
    Love, Rori”

    I don’t get this I feel confused. To me if someone wants to shut me down and is coming at me from that place they are not open to resolution their hearts are closed and they are in judgment so wouldn’t the loving action for ourselves to be to disengage until they were open?



  184.  #185Annie on August 30, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    Rori?



  185.  #186ruth on August 30, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    182
    well, I am an earth sign daria (taurus)
    I love all colours but i am a pink and purple and green sort of girl
    Oh, and black cos its slimming LOL



  186.  #187ruth on August 30, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    184 Annie

    yes, i would walk away too until i felt they would be able to hear me



  187.  #188Annie on August 30, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    Ty you Ruth yes next feels good. I just feel a bit down like something is wrong with me attracting this. 🙁



  188.  #189Annie on August 30, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    And am starting to also feel a bit scared too.



  189.  #190ruth on August 30, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    Annie

    its *not* you
    there is sleazy stuff on dating sites
    i diont do them, but i get sleaxy stuff on facebook without even asking, blokes try it on.I suppose you cant blame them for trying, maybe someone says yes but -well, yuck.And i am no prude
    I would have been scared by the last bloke TBH

    but you are quite clear about your boundaries and thats fine



  190.  #191Annie on August 30, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    I used to react really badly to people rolling their eyes at me. If it was a friend I would feel upset like they were not really my friend it would always be something that they were trying to get me to change my mind about and yet I was totally accepting and respectful that they felt differently about it. I just wanted them to leave me be without having to justify myself.

    And when my husband did this It was like a red rag to a bull. I wanted to kill him. Nowdays I just say I don’t want to be psychologically shut down, that isn’t going to work with men and feel amused if a woman does it.

    I really don’t know why I feel and react differently to if a man or woman does this.



  191.  #192Daria on August 30, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    Ok one more note for myself

    That ‘warrior archetype’ without no war

    Im looking at myself as an ‘intense energy woman’ instead

    And that feels dramatic, in a huge beautiful jewelry way, and hot and amazing like lava

    I feel pleased w my discovery and change of words

    So then a ‘lover’ ie a gentle , rolling energy man could be a great support.

    I believe I jobs all archetypes tho, and satin I’m one is like saying I’m a ‘seer’ like I have no ears (this is DariA philosophy… There’s all these types n styles cuz they’re All in me And available to me to express’

    I feel so pleased with myself like I would after a battle, yet I didn’t fight and I stead I healed.

    And that has this intense energy woman – feeling moved.

    Change words change archetypes, beliefs perspectives and heal

    All the stuff that feels good sifts out

    And blossoms

    It’s ok to be an intense goddess and feel good with this

    I’m giving myself permission

    This is different than urgency

    This is passion

    I don’t need to be even keeled and ‘balanced’.

    Where it might feel better to, Im OPEN to it now

    Gentle might feel good…
    I’m open to it

    I’m healing

    I feel sad now scared

    Will I get sick from powerful emotions?

    I’m stormy I storm I am ok cAn I be ok

    I am ok

    I’m being led to what feels good

    My horse is thundering right now and hey that feels thrilling too

    And moseying feels nice when that happens also



  192.  #193Smile on August 30, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    Daria- 125

    Cd… One of the reasons I am moving is because I do not feel there are high quality men in the area I live now. I feel judgemental.



  193.  #194ruth on August 30, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    192 daria
    I feel curious

    do you save your posts and read back?
    is it like a journal?



  194.  #195ruth on August 30, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    Annie, I can no longer read about rolling eyes without thinking of that silly book!



  195.  #196ruth on August 30, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    Reading running blogs and feeling sentimental

    Love running
    🙂

    Goodnight Sirens



  196.  #197Siren Angel on August 30, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    Today I got myself a soft silk tie bracelet in ivory with heart, star and flower crystal charms tied in. I am going to wear it on my left arm like Rori sugggests in Reconnect. I had seen it months ago and went back to the store and it was still there. Also I got a green string chakra bracelet with a crystal charm. Green being Love, Compassion and Peace.



  197.  #198Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    Siren Angel – muah muah



  198.  #199Siren Angel on August 30, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    FW, i feel confused… Muah muah?



  199.  #200Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    Rolling of the eyes is a universally accepted way of expressing contempt. It is a trigger shared by many people and one of the patterns coaches suggest we change when we notice it takes us and our partners in a continuous trigger loop.



  200.  #201Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    Throwing you kisses beautiful Siren Angel. Bracelet sounds lovely



  201.  #202Siren Angel on August 30, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    Awww… Thank you Feminine Woman! That touches my heart.



  202.  #203Annie on August 30, 2012 at 3:46 pm

    What book is that Ruth?

    Aww how lovely Siren Angel feel happy about your lovely bracelet.

    OMG Femininewoman that feels awful. I feel outraged again now. Contempt I didn’t know that. But yes that makes sense. The first time I met my husband I saw him treat someone with contempt. And yes he later went on to do this to me. What is the advice that coaches give to break the loop? I do appear to have broken that loop and change what I do and he just now stands and stares in disbelief, when I say it isn’t going to was or work with me. Not sure now though if this is really my best option. I used to lash out and attack and he would then say I was crazy. It was a learned reaction. I have seen others just go quiet and look downtroden and then any other people in the group become attracted to the person rolling the eyes, like they have become top dog, YUCK!



  203.  #204Rebecca on August 30, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    Awww… I’ve had such a weird night, one my friends is really depressed and super, super stressed. I couldn’t say anything right… I feel bad…



  204.  #205Rebecca on August 30, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    Glad ur feeling better Ruth… 🙂



  205.  #206Dominique on August 30, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    MissStix – 78 – You would say something like this – “I have some (sexual) fantasies I would love to share with you. Would you like to hear?”

    Be aware though that he may want to share right back. Would you be able to handle this? What he might way?

    xxoo



  206.  #207Dominique on August 30, 2012 at 4:01 pm

    Ruth – in re 116 – I was going to write to you anyway but wanted to wait until I was done catching up, but since Daria has chimed in, I have to concur.

    These things may seem innocuous, calling yourself silly names, but they aren’t. I also want to add calling yourself ancient. First of all if you’re ancient, what does that make Rori or Virginia or Femininewoman or any woman here who is older than you.

    Secondly, I know many quite elderly people who are anything but ancient. There is a woman who comes to my ballet class almost every day. She is 95, and she takes pointe with is too.

    This may sound as though I’m chiding you, and I want you to know I’m not. I feel concerned about these messages you have planted in your brain.

    How about trying to eliminating calling yourself any derogatory names even in jest. Catch yourself as they come out. Shift them to better feeling names such as siren, goddess, gorgeous woman, whatever, anything which boosts you up.

    Will you give this a go?

    xxoo



  207.  #208Belle on August 30, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    “Rori says underneath all the ‘garbage’ there is Always treasure. Always.”

    A few nights ago I dreamed I woke up in bed next to a friend of mine. I got up excitedly and showed her my new place and skipped down the hall.
    I heard her “tsk tsking” behind me and turned around. She was pointing at 2 bags of garbage lying on the floor of my living room and wrinkling her nose at it.

    I told her, “Yeah, I should take those out.”
    I picked them up, took them outside, and wondered where I was going to put the trash. I noticed that I was in the front yard of the house I grew up in and I felt that yummy expansive feeling when I realize I am dreaming.

    Since I was lucid, I knew I could fly and I flew into the air with the bags of trash, tossed them into the sky, and said, “I give this trash to God!”
    They disappeared in a shower of silver sparkles and I happily flew around loop-de-looping until I woke up.

    I don’t need to sift through garbage to find treasure anymore, I’m awakening in the dream, God can deal with it and I can fly.
    As a student of ACIM, I’m sure Rori can appreciate that.

    I feel so grateful for the communication tools I so desperately needed and for all of the lovely inspiration and reflections, and it’s time to get off the emotional crack that this blog feels like for me and focus on my life. If I have to be triggered I’d much rather be triggered face to face and develop face to face intimacy with people than on a blog.

    If anyone wants to email me privately for any reason you can reach me at luciddreamyogini@gmail.com



  208.  #209Laughing Goddess on August 30, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    Sometimes for fun, when I am feeling uncomfortable with aging, I will look up inspiring stories of elderly woman online.

    I heard one story of a woman who started running when she was 40 and at 80 was winning races against men half her age. One year she got caught up in the wind and fell and broke her hip and the next year, she was at that same triathlon (I think) competing.

    I also love to find photos of woman who have aged exceptionally gracefully.

    I want to be a woman like that.

    I also like to search out stories of women over 40 who have had healthy, natural births. I feel amazed and relieved at how common this actually is.

    I feel so scared about the idea of aging and being cast aside by society, yet I am starting to feel more and more comfortable with the idea it. I feel relieved when I see what is possible.

    I also heard a women say that menopausal women are invisible except for to other menopausal women. Then I noticed when I go out that I don’t pay much attention to women in that age range and I have started to notice them more and feel curious about their lives and dreams. I don’t want to ignore these ladies. They have so much to share, so much wisdom. I will be one of these ladies one day and I don’t want to be ignored.

    I’m not really trying to make a point here, just exploring my own journey around aging.



  209.  #210Siren Angel on August 30, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    Annie and FW,

    My ex, 7 yr old’s dad, was treating people with contempt and sarcasm all the time… Don’t know why I did not see the big red flag. When I got pregnant with now 7yr old, he treated my older son (from another dad) that way, and then me. It was awful and painful. I cannot even describe the words and sarcasm. They felt so heavy and I felt so powerless.



  210.  #211Siren Angel on August 30, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    Annie 184, I believe it is to try to keep an open heart so you can express yourself and your feelings.



  211.  #212Heart on August 30, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    Siren Angel – ooooh you got a bracelet. I think I should buy myself something too…a new Feminine symbol…hmmm….feeling excited thinking about it.



  212.  #213Annie on August 30, 2012 at 5:14 pm

    210: Siren Angel says:

    “Annie and FW,

    My ex, 7 yr old’s dad, was treating people with contempt and sarcasm all the time… Don’t know why I did not see the big red flag. When I got pregnant with now 7yr old, he treated my older son (from another dad) that way, and then me. It was awful and painful. I cannot even describe the words and sarcasm. They felt so heavy and I felt so powerless.”

    🙁 Feel sad about this. I do believe it is part of human nature for some. I see Davis Cameron and some politicians doing this. I feel even more curious now.



  213.  #214Annie on August 30, 2012 at 5:15 pm

    David.



  214.  #215Sassy on August 30, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    Thank you Laughing Goddess for your post about aging women. I am one of the oldest, if not the oldest at 56 (about to be 57 in Sept) on this blog. I am by no means a beauty, but I have men that think I am beautiful and sexy, although I have a hard time believing it. One of my CDs was only 38!!! He is gorgeous!
    With all of the emphasis placed on youth, there are times I look in the mirror and hate the lines and wrinkles that appear to multiply overnight. But I have earned every one of them and I know I bring wisdom and stories and memories to my children and grandchildren that they cherish.



  215.  #216Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 5:49 pm

    Annie I don’t believe it is human nature. People learn relational patterns from what they see played out in front of them. Eye rolling can be learned in the home. I also believe a woman can talk about how she feels in the face of it and a good man will make an effort to change this pattern. He most likely will want a happy woman and a happy life.



  216.  #217Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    I am 50 and at times find myself worrying about get older but for the most part don’t think of myself as an aging woman. It actually feels odd to think of myself at this age because time flew by so quickly and I still kinda feel like I am in my 30s. I see so many in their 60s and 70s that are looking so good that for me the most part I feel young.



  217.  #218Linda on August 30, 2012 at 6:31 pm

    Hey Sassy. I am right behind you. 53 years young!

    Age is what it is. Time flies.

    I feel really tired tonight. I got up at 4:45 AM worked a full day at work. Went straight to the gym and pushed my 53 year old body pretty hard. I have noodle arms tonight LOL… then if that was not enough… I mowed my lawn, weeded, cleaned out my fountain by my porch, then ran the weed eater (which always feels like a workout in itself). Came in got a shower. Boy I am really spent.

    I always think when I am mowing grass. It is not always a good thing. Sometimes I cry … have done that many a time, because well I miss having a partner. Today I just mowed. I like having a tidy home and yard. It feels good to me.

    I actually feel void of emotion right now. Feels weird. I have been visualizing… imagining my man, not how he looks, but how he feels to me. THe more I do it the more I am feel astonished that I put up with the last man I was with. He was nothing like what my man feels like. WOW… Eye openner for me.

    I do have a man that has been contacting me from the POF website even though my profile is hidden the emails still come thru… he wants to meet me but is much older than I really am interested in. His profile said 58 but when I talked to him he said he is turning 61 in a month. sigh. He wants to meet on Sunday. sigh…. I am sure I could use him for another practice session. …. it is just that I want “my man” and I know he is not 61.

    I took some new pics for my profile but still have writers block.
    Tomorrow is another day. Nite



  218.  #219Siren Angel on August 30, 2012 at 6:32 pm

    Has anyone here clicked on the Calle Zorro link in Rori’s post?

    This is interesting stuff.

    I feel M is no longer meeting my emotional needs (I feel a loss of intimacy)



  219.  #220Linda on August 30, 2012 at 6:34 pm

    Sassy I would take a 38 year old. YOu go girl!



  220.  #221Siren Angel on August 30, 2012 at 6:35 pm

    Sirens, I am in my forties and have had men of all ages interested in me. I do look much younger, but still, they know my age.

    I wonder if I might feel safer with an older man actually, provided he stays fit and healthy.



  221.  #222bloom-ing on August 30, 2012 at 6:45 pm

    Femininewoman, i see a lot of 70+ women looking as good as the younger women, so i wouldn’t give it a second thought. one time, i thought i “saw you” & you were stunning : )



  222.  #223Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    I did Siren Angel



  223.  #224Siren Angel on August 30, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    FW, I feel much younger than my real age, like you do. Aging is all in one’s mind. Also, I have found that Yoga makes me feel and look younger (when I do it regularly).



  224.  #225Femininewoman on August 30, 2012 at 6:50 pm

    I have 2 40-year old men wanting to marry.



  225.  #226Siren Angel on August 30, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    For years, since I was very young, my father told me that if I was not married by 30, I never would. He even insisted that I shouldn’t leave 7 yr old’s dad because I was too old to start over and get married one day. I believed this for the longest time. Then decided to change that belief and let it go about 2 years ago. I heard so many inspiring stories of women finding their true love and marrying at an older age.

    I have not spoken to my father in almost 3 years.



  226.  #227Siren Angel on August 30, 2012 at 6:55 pm

    FW, you rock!



  227.  #228Siren Angel on August 30, 2012 at 6:55 pm

    like a Diamond rock!



  228.  #229Siren Angel on August 30, 2012 at 6:57 pm

    (((Linda)))



  229.  #230Siren Angel on August 30, 2012 at 6:59 pm

    Linda, How would you feel about keeping an open mind about the man’s age? It all really depends on how you feel together anyway… It could be the man you have envisioned and summoned. Be surprised.



  230.  #231Laughing Goddess on August 30, 2012 at 7:09 pm

    I’m loving hearing all of you lovely ladies’ views on aging! Thanks for sharing.



  231.  #232Laughing Goddess on August 30, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    Belle: Not sure if you are still around but I just wanted to say that I felt so stoked to see you post the Goddess Alchemy Project song.

    I’m a big fan and don’t know many people who know of them. Makes me feel connected, like I found a kindred spirit.

    At one point, I shared one of their songs with Starla off-blog. Can’t remember which one it was exactly.

    I feel inspired to listen to them now.

    I feel understanding of your feelings around triggering. Sometimes I have to take a break for that reason too. Sometimes just because I don’t want to be on the computer so much and want more face-to-face interactions.

    Maybe we’ll see you back here again. Blessings!



  232.  #233Laughing Goddess on August 30, 2012 at 7:20 pm

    I feel kinda sad because I want to respond to more posts yet I am feeling not so great physically right now. I’m gonna rest and maybe watch a movie and baby myself.

    Awww sweet LG. I’ll take care of you.

    Mr. Man is in town doing errands. Maybe I’ll ask him to pick up that movie Rori recommended.

    G’night ladies.



  233.  #234Laughing Goddess on August 30, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    Oh ya, wanted to give Emerson hugs. Saw you were having a rough couple of days.

    (((emerson)))

    Hope the soup clears for you soon.



  234.  #235Siren Angel on August 30, 2012 at 7:25 pm

    I am watching Ondine on Netflix. It’s the story of a fisherman (Colim Farrell) who catches a woman in his net.
    Could not find the movie Rori recommends on Netflix.



  235.  #236luzydel on August 30, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    So a prospect cd contacted me today, I feel doubtful because he is good looking, and I usually go for the not so good looking thinking they will go crazy for me easier, but that hasn’t been the case. So I am gonna let it be and see what happens, I feel insecure when I am with a good looking man.



  236.  #237Heart on August 30, 2012 at 7:45 pm

    Feeling surprised by hearing the ages…
    Feeling curious as to why some sirens do not already HaveTheRelationshipYouWant already….
    Feeling scared I am attacked for voicing these feelings



  237.  #238Starbright on August 30, 2012 at 8:21 pm

    73 – Heart

    Wow, that feels ICKY reading you think my standards may be low!

    I don’t recall reading that there was anything more than that you have been on a couple of dates and that he was with a couple of woman friends…if I missed something that said he was having romances with them…



  238.  #239Starbright on August 30, 2012 at 8:22 pm

    And, no one was responding to you, so thought I would offer some encouragement. I will refrain from any further comment on your plight.



  239.  #240MissStix on August 30, 2012 at 8:26 pm

    Dominique

    Thank you! I hope he would! I can handle just about anything. Uhm I have a pretty deep seeded fear of restraints but he knows that. I’d say at this point i’m even willing to conquer that. I trust him. I imagine it would be thrilling. I already know he wants me to talk dirty but I have this vocal hang up where I clam and just have no idea what to say! He knows that. Practicing that… 😉 I have zero body issues, like a little pain, love play and experimenting. Giving. Receiving. All of it. I feel confident and prepared for what he may suggest.

    Ooo actually it would feel pretty great if he showed me a wild side 😀 Fun!

    I’m excited to bring this up now!



  240.  #241Annie on August 30, 2012 at 8:30 pm

    FW “I also believe a woman can talk about how she feels in the face of it and a good man will make an effort to change this pattern. He most likely will want a happy woman and a happy life.”

    From what I have read it is the biggest indicator of divorce and a sign the the eye roller is feeling contempt and does not value the person.
    That is not any person I want to have anything at all to do with or want in my life any longer.
    Complete and utter emotional manipulation and invalidation.



  241.  #242Heart on August 30, 2012 at 9:43 pm

    Star Bright – I feel bad you feel Icky but I also feel angry and attacked. I am feeling Blamed for your emotions. There is no shame in exploring whether You/Me/Any one has low standards. I put forward a Question. Isn’t that what this whole entire place is about ? – Raising your standards/value/self-esteem.
    If We were all Perfect Goddesses…we wouldn’t need to be here. We are all works-in-progress.

    I feel irritated by your second set of comments.
    I feel punished.



  242.  #243Emerson on August 30, 2012 at 10:25 pm

    Thank you LG 🙂 🙂



  243.  #244R.N.AmazingMe on August 30, 2012 at 10:30 pm

    Hello sirens long time, ok very nervous have not dated in a LONGGGG time and a man lets call him TROPICANA CD. He seems nice he lives in the town i work in but I work like a hour and a half away. He said he will come closer to me and respected my wishes of meeting and not talking or giving my number right away which of course I now did. I am nervous but excited to practice!! It is saturday at 6 pm….biting nails..



  244.  #245R.N.AmazingMe on August 30, 2012 at 10:32 pm

    Advice welcome…i do not date much anymore but he seems like a gentleman.



  245.  #246Laughing Goddess on August 30, 2012 at 10:33 pm

    237 Heart

    Perhaps because they only recently became aware of these tools. It sounds like you are lucky to have found them at a young age. Most of us weren’t taught these things and perhaps didn’t have good role models to learn from. I feel moved that we can find deep, fulfilling love at any age in life.

    Perhaps they are in a relationship but want to keep learning and growing in order to preserve the relationship and keep the attraction up.

    Maybe they did have the relationship they wanted and then lost their partner. Maybe their relationship desires have changed over the years and the relationship they started when they were young is no longer fulfilling.

    I can think of many different reasons.

    I dunno, maybe you are so young that you have had access to the Internet your whole life, but it is a relatively new thing and a lot of us simply didn’t have access to the kind of information at your age.

    I would consider yourself lucky for finding this at such a young age and also for having the resource of women who are older than you here. Even if they haven’t found that relationship, they still have lots of experience and wisdom to share and that is a gift in itself.



  246.  #247Laughing Goddess on August 30, 2012 at 10:37 pm

    I’m saying ‘they’ when I should be saying ‘we’
    In reference to women that are older than you.



  247.  #248Emerson on August 30, 2012 at 10:39 pm

    LG I like your comments about noticing women of a certain age and I also liked your thoughts about women in their 40s having healthy births. Yes it does happen all the time! Thank you for sharing your thoughts I feel uplifted and light.



  248.  #249Emerson on August 30, 2012 at 10:42 pm

    Hi RN amazing!!! That is great!!! I feel excited for you!!



  249.  #250Emerson on August 30, 2012 at 10:47 pm

    I’ve been noticing how strong the LOA is for me right now so I’m choosing to be positive and play the movies in my head that feel positive and good.

    Its a good exercise not to entertain negative conversations with others OR myself…

    Yes Emerson well talk about fun things we want around us like babies and puppies and ponies and ice tea and fruit grown in my own trees and a man who is kind hearted and patient like recycled (loved that about him)…



  250.  #251Emerson on August 30, 2012 at 10:50 pm

    Ladies if you saw a picture of recycled you would think he’s dreamy … He’s kind of Lou diamond Phillips – ish….
    Feeling piney – ish and missing him this week…there is a vulnerability about him.. But he’s unreliable (unavailable) and has some ass clownery traits …(as Natalie from baggage reclaim would say ) lol



  251.  #252Daria on August 30, 2012 at 10:50 pm

    Smile – if you live in a small area with not to many people, moving to a bigger town can help!



  252.  #253Emerson on August 30, 2012 at 10:56 pm

    Hi Daria:-)



  253.  #254Emerson on August 30, 2012 at 10:59 pm

    Sirens I hav not had time to cd I’ve been focusing on survival and that feels ….
    Bad



  254.  #255Daria on August 30, 2012 at 11:18 pm

    Hi Emerson!

    🙂



  255.  #256Daria on August 30, 2012 at 11:21 pm

    Hey ! I Did click on the link now and I’m feeling way intrigued!

    It’s about showing men how to turn their wives on



  256.  #257Tam on August 30, 2012 at 11:26 pm

    I feel nervous.
    When I think that I will be in Fl in 4 weeks time, I feel even more nervous.
    Last night I did do something I never do. I checked my phone messages from the last year, my US phone.
    I feel two things when I read those – I have not looked at that phone in 6 months.
    I feel loved and I feel utter fear.
    That is the unavailability talking….I see these messages full of love and full of ‘I’ll pick you up in half an hour’ and ‘I’ll be there in one minute’ and 🙁
    when I did not have time to meet…..and and and….
    I do not want to live in the past.
    I wish I was better prepared for when this happens again…I want to buy all of Rori’s programs and I can’t afford anything else, I do have the ebook.
    I feel so damn scared.
    I don’t want to get re-attached to this man, because I feel so good to be free of that here. Oh Jeepers Creepers!! AAAAAAAAAAARGH….having a small panic….

    OK. On another note, CubanCD (a really feely guy), just wrote me an email from top to bottom full of feeling messages!!! He beat me to it!! Now I am wondering what that tells me about the man. And then at the end he says again: I don’t know why I open up so much with you, I am telling you things I do not speak about with anyone else.
    I want to say: woah, matey, careful you don’t end up in an imaginary relationship….
    I feel a bit powerful because he has been real practice for my feeling messages…and he seems hooked. Well, if nothing else at least a bit of Salsa dancing will do me good!! Mamacita here is ready!!
    😉



  257.  #258Heart on August 30, 2012 at 11:27 pm

    #246 Laughing Goddess – You’re right…I feel lucky…I feel happy.



  258.  #259Tam on August 30, 2012 at 11:31 pm

    Hello Heart…..any news from CuddlyGrinch? 🙂



  259.  #260Heart on August 30, 2012 at 11:34 pm

    Tam – lol@really feely guy

    I know that fear too Tam ….I think it comes because we don’t Trust Our Boundaries…maybe.
    You’ll be ok…I feel excited for you to go.
    This Mr.P thing is coming to a head.



  260.  #261Tam on August 30, 2012 at 11:38 pm

    200..thank you Heart, yes it is the boundaries.
    I have been trying to make scrips in my head around the boundaries….and it’s totally silly because I am not even there yet. I just feel so protective of myself and in the text messages I noted that there was quite a bit of sexy talk and at one point he said something to the effect of him trying so hard and still gets rejected (sexually)…and I just want to be prepared for when that shows up again because I did not handle it very well last time.
    Instead of telling him how I feel I said that I feel rejected by him too….and we got nowhere.
    Oh that all feels so exasperating now, in some ways I wish we were done and dusted (there is the fear again).
    There is the chance that he has found someone else…..in some ways it would be such a good solution!!!



  261.  #262Heart on August 30, 2012 at 11:41 pm

    Tam – He’s actually being really sweet. I still feel angry and jealous about the FB pic. I know it’s a total over-reaction but it totally triggered my NV..and now it keeps telling me nasty things.
    I feel overloaded…Looking forward to meeting new men though…



  262.  #263Tam on August 30, 2012 at 11:43 pm

    262…Heart, I also get triggered by fb a lot. I now use it to trigger myself deliberately and show me what is going on within me. It gets easier every time a trigger, such as a photo or a posting, comes up.
    Yay to meeting new men!!!
    Me too, mee too…..



  263.  #264Emerson on August 30, 2012 at 11:49 pm

    257 tam I feel excited and happy reading your post especially about cubanCD …..aww I want one of those !!! I feel jealous in a playful way Hee Hee Cuban sounds fun!!!



  264.  #265Heart on August 30, 2012 at 11:51 pm

    Tam – Yes, I really want to know Why we get so Triggered by these things…Is it feeling not good enough..is it lost of control…The anger is strong (with regards to Fb..which I find so strange) and its difficult for me to sink…The most I get is: I feel disrespected.

    I’m going to do what u do and purposely trigger myself (after the weekend)



  265.  #266Emerson on August 30, 2012 at 11:52 pm

    263 I feel triggered when I see baby/family/wedding stuff on fb
    OMG Emerson you even roll your eyes don’t you! Yess..but why do I do that??
    Hmm those are all good things ..soooo are you jealous in a non-playful way??



  266.  #267Tam on August 30, 2012 at 11:52 pm

    264 Emerson, everybody in SoFla is Cuban or half-Cuban…..you should move! 😉



  267.  #268Emerson on August 30, 2012 at 11:54 pm

    267 I love Florida …I find it intriguing



  268.  #269Tam on August 30, 2012 at 11:55 pm

    265 Heart, it must be not feeling good enough. in my case it is often ‘feeling left out’, like the kids are playing and I am not there….and they are having fun without me. How dare they!!!!
    Seriously, when I saw the pics of MrP boating with my friends I got so angry, and then I got even angrier when this girl befriended him and all his friends (well, some)….and I had purposely not done that and thought: ‘aaargh, she is leaning forward’…’I am not leaning forward’ (clenched teeth).
    Oh. Now I feel virtuous and mysterious….like I have my own life and remain a fb mystery to MrP and friends…..ha!!



  269.  #270Emerson on August 30, 2012 at 11:56 pm

    Aww Clint Eastwood was speaking on tv and was great…I feel soft toward him as I was shocked by his appearance…he has gotten old ….but still looks great. God bless him
    ((Clint Eastwood))



  270.  #271Emerson on August 30, 2012 at 11:58 pm

    I have not heard from textCD in a few days maybe he met a new muse 🙁 I miss his messages but I do NoT want a texterrrrrr alllll the time. Real life buddy. Maybe I pushed him away…..



  271.  #272Tam on August 30, 2012 at 11:58 pm

    Oh Clint Eastwood…another man’s man…Marlboro man. Oh I do like those, to my own detriment 😉



  272.  #273Tam on August 31, 2012 at 12:02 am

    268..Emerson, it is intriguing and ever so shallow…it is difficult to find ‘real’ people there. But they do exist 🙂



  273.  #274Emerson on August 31, 2012 at 12:06 am

    I turned in some paperwork for a new job 2 days ago and I just now realized that I may have handed confidential info to one of the managers to give to HR with my pay rate etc. now I’m stressing about it big time but at the moment it didn’t even dawn on me that she would care to read it or ??!

    Just don’t want to start any drama or jealousy before the job even starts.

    I choose to go with my gut feeling and at the moment I handed it to her I did not question it so it is going to be okay.

    I get very stressed / obsessed when I worry about something but I choose not to do that tonight!!!



  274.  #275Emerson on August 31, 2012 at 12:08 am

    I’ve had a hard week so my mind was kind of all over the place. I wasn’t thinking I had to “worry” about that like its not a secret but now I feel scared and annoyed with myself that I was not looking out for myself better to protect my privacy



  275.  #276Emerson on August 31, 2012 at 12:10 am

    273 I’ve only been to northern FL ! Farthest south I went was Daytona beach… Loved it



  276.  #277Emerson on August 31, 2012 at 12:12 am

    I choose to believe that people are working in my favor and with integrity …with only the best outcomes and intentions.



  277.  #278Emerson on August 31, 2012 at 12:14 am

    Marco Rubio is pretty handsome!!! he’s a Florida senator talking on tv 🙂



  278.  #279Emerson on August 31, 2012 at 12:14 am

    I also find Allen West sexy



  279.  #280Tam on August 31, 2012 at 12:28 am

    he he… there are soooooo many beautiful men in South Florida!! Also beautiful women too, but a lot of them look like they have the same plastic surgeon..
    😉



  280.  #281Emerson on August 31, 2012 at 12:38 am

    I’m scared and feeling helpless



  281.  #282Heart on August 31, 2012 at 12:38 am

    Tam – I’ll say it again: Facebook is Ruining Us all..

    I don’t think we’re meant to see the things Men we’re dating do in their spare time. It’s awkward…It’s like watching them date another girl in your presence or something.

    I not going to be Facebook friends with any guy I’m seeing…



  282.  #283ruth on August 31, 2012 at 12:40 am

    207 Dominique

    thank you for your words, and yes, I will try my best to stop even the seemingly inocuous put down jokes as i said in an earlier post

    Re the age thing
    Running is one of those things that does seem to tramscend age

    I know many women who began running in their forties and are very fast runners now.
    Lots of us are not fast but we all support each other in the running
    I am pretty sure that the average age of my running club, the 100 marathon club is well over fifty.These are people who run marathons week in week out
    It feels fantastic



  283.  #284ruth on August 31, 2012 at 12:48 am

    203 Annie

    50 shades of grey



  284.  #285Tam on August 31, 2012 at 12:51 am

    282 – Heart, it very much works the other way also.
    I know I got spied on – my ex bf always spied on me on fb, and would comment on stuff that he could not have known otherwise.
    MrP soooo spies on me, so much so that every time I used to change my profile pic with a Florida shot, a few days later I would receive an email asking if I was ‘in town’. He also got very jealous when he saw pics of me dancing salsa with a male friend. he fired a really nasty comment, like ‘no surprise you found someone else, I am going to let you go now’.
    So they get triggered too…hehehehehe!!



  285.  #286Tam on August 31, 2012 at 12:54 am

    ((((Emerson)))) – this too shall pass!!



  286.  #287Emerson on August 31, 2012 at 12:58 am

    Does anyone know a good website for helping anxiety



  287.  #288Emerson on August 31, 2012 at 12:59 am

    Thank u tam



  288.  #289Emerson on August 31, 2012 at 1:00 am

    I feel curious about Lizka and what happened with ATW



  289.  #290Smile on August 31, 2012 at 1:03 am

    Morning sirens.

    I’m feeling so sluggish and having problems getting motivated. I sleep VERY well, probably only once a week do I wake in the night. Can you have too much sleep? I’ve read a lot about sleep cycles so I try to wake up at the right part and not set my alarm to shake me out of deep sleep. But I still can’t seem to shift myself.
    I have a lot of work to do but I’ve been working from home. I work better when I feel pressure. Not totally free over what I get done when as long as it’s done by the deadline. Deadlines coming up and I feel I’ve wasted so much time. I feel rushed to complete it now. But still I don’t want to do it.



  290.  #291Smile on August 31, 2012 at 1:07 am

    It feels an effort to wash up. It feels an effort to clean the house. It feels an effort to put my clothes away. Yet I know I feel so much better in a tidy house.

    Come on smile, shift your bootie!



  291.  #292Smile on August 31, 2012 at 1:08 am

    Tam, salsa dancing sounds fun. Lots of sexy wiggling!



  292.  #293Smile on August 31, 2012 at 1:10 am

    Tam.

    when he saw pics of me dancing salsa with a male friend. he fired a really nasty comment, like ‘no surprise you found someone else, I am going to let you go now’.

    I wonder what I would have replied to this? Did you respond?



  293.  #294Smile on August 31, 2012 at 1:10 am

    ((emersons anxiety))



  294.  #295Smile on August 31, 2012 at 1:12 am

    Ruth 284- I may have to read this for a quick fix lol!



  295.  #296Tam on August 31, 2012 at 1:12 am

    Smile, yes, sexy wiggling of bum. Yes!! 😉

    I feel a lot like you, like everything is a huge effort right now, as a matter of fact I have a big pile of washed clothes sitting in a corner waiting to be put away….but the productive days will come again too.

    I am kind of having one today, done 2 hours of work, cleaned a bit and had a healthy breakfast. Feeling pretty virtuous, because all week I have been pretty lazy, but then I was sick also….

    Cut yourself some slack Smile! 🙂



  296.  #297Smile on August 31, 2012 at 1:13 am

    Daria, yes I’m moving back home to a much bigger area but also one of higher quality men. As in less deprivation in the area.



  297.  #298Smile on August 31, 2012 at 1:17 am

    Thanks tam,
    Cutting myself slack would feel good
    I don’t consider myself lazy, far from it. I’m one of the busiest people I know. Guess I need down time too. . I will be more motivated when I’m back in work Monday with set times. Just trying to recognise my feelings.



  298.  #299Heart on August 31, 2012 at 1:31 am

    #285 – Tam – that’s so true! My FB page must trigger CuddlyGrinch et al as well… my ex tried to Add my as an FB friend 2 weeks ago….That’s the third request he has sent.
    Ohmygod did Mr. P really write that? That is Soooo Funny. What did you do?



  299.  #300Jenny on August 31, 2012 at 1:48 am

    I’m starting to feel a little panic…I feel out of balance.

    I was on a date yesterday with a man who write very warm, personal and nice letters. I was the one who wrote the first letter. And we have been light talked about meeting, so some days ago he asked me straight out if I wanted to meet him yesterday.

    The same day he sent me a photo of his face – wich I hadnt seen; and the man looked very good; wich made me feel even more nervous.

    He was on time, Looked into my eyes smiled and was allmost speakless..so was I since he had to most amazing eyes, and was more good looking then on his photo – so I was totelly feeling out of balance and very insecure.

    We bought someting light to eat…and hmm and things just happend so I got to pay for my own food: a combination of me not ordering first and the waitrest was just fokus on one customer at a time; a more experince waitress can see when ppl are in company and take up orders from both at the same time.

    We talked a lot, me used feeling as much as I could remember…was leaning back, smiling. Was a lot af laugh and I smiled so much my month hurt when I got home. Anyway we was standing out in the rain and talking and I could feel I had tangle my hair in to my umbrella, so I had to ask him for help to save my tangled hair.

    I also asked him about the time, since I had my last bus home to watch, so after that he kept keeping track of the time for me, not to often, but enough so I did feel very taken care of. When it started to get close to when my bus was leaving he just said “I can follow you to the bus” I smiled and said “Thanks” – he smiled even bigger.

    At the bus, he kept looking deep into my eyes and he notice I had a spot of white color in my hair from after helping mother paint something – he made a comment of the white color in my hair, smiling and looking into my eyes.

    When it was the time for the bus to leave he just said: “Can i get a hug?”…or was he saying “Arleast I can get a hug?”…hmm I cant really remember – anyway, he was the one mention getting a hug – so I gave him a hug. He smiled and said “We talk later”….and then he left.

    My NV is very nasty right now…I havent heard from him…and dammit, no kiss, no talk about a second date…and to make things worse..he wrote a letter the same day as the date, wich I didnt even bother to open, since I thought we was going to meet, now I have open it and dont know if I should answer it….Gahh help ladies Iäm way over analysing this already and I feel so taken out of balance since he was so darn charming…ohh and he is a young man; 25 years.



  300.  #301Smile on August 31, 2012 at 2:00 am

    Jenny, relax, keep going about your day, lean back and take care of you. Sounds like the first date went well so I’m sure in time he will make arrangements to see you again 



  301.  #302Jenny on August 31, 2012 at 2:03 am

    Hmm and what about the letter he wrote the same day, that I now have read – shall I answer it? It is an mail conversation we have had for long, right now it is about icedream, berries, painting, helping over moms and photo techincs…



  302.  #303ruth on August 31, 2012 at 2:10 am

    Jenny
    I agree with Smile

    Just get on with your day adn dont do anything else

    hm, I feel sooooooo yucky today

    Not entirely surprised about that but still



  303.  #304Rebecca on August 31, 2012 at 2:15 am

    Morning sirens!

    Talking of age I remember one of the younger sirens bemoaning that she felt over the hill at 27. I had to laugh at that! 🙂



  304.  #305Heart on August 31, 2012 at 2:16 am

    Well I triggered myself and sank into my emotions…
    I feel territorial, I feel jealous, I feel angry, I feel disrespected….
    under it all was: I feel unloved, I feel uncared for…

    So this is the Root feeling under all the anger and disrespect…
    Wow…how I can feel that way when I don’t really know this guy or expect him to love me..
    Will explore it some more…



  305.  #306Daria on August 31, 2012 at 2:22 am

    Heart – Roris advice is actually to not be facebook friends with guys were seeing! I don’t either, I’d feel too triggered , not in a way that feels helpful to me the way blog process does.



  306.  #307Heart on August 31, 2012 at 2:39 am

    Daria – Yes, this Facebook triggering is kind if Brutal and doesn’t feel Helpful. I’ll make sure not to be FB friends with a guy I’m seeing In the future. And if I see CuddlyGrinch agai I’ll tell him I feel triggered by his Fb and ask him for a solution.



  307.  #308Daria on August 31, 2012 at 2:45 am

    Jenny – I wouldn’t answer it now… Just smile to myself and lean back till he contacts me 🙂



  308.  #309Tam on August 31, 2012 at 2:46 am

    Smile and Heart, the Salsa pics were 1 1/2 years ago, when I thought we were just casual and he clearly thought we had some kind of relationship (I wish he had informed me about it).
    So the salsa pics made him so angry, and to be honest they were a little attempt at getting a reaction out of him. Oh yes, I did!!!
    After he said ‘I’m going to let you go now’, I was surprised and answered that I had no idea that he ‘had me’ to ‘let me go’ and it sparked off a whole lot of negative energy (pre Rori). And suddenly I thought ‘OMG, he thought we had a relationship’…well we skyped every day and so on but as he is a man of few words I thought we were just ‘friends’.
    Sooooo to cut a long story short, it was at the same time as his business kinda collapsed so he was so stressed that he totally clammed up – and I pushed and pushed (urgh). The end result was that we called it a day (whatever ‘it’ was), met a few times but was very painful, he was totally angry and I was in convincer mode. I said a few hurtful things to him…
    Silence for a few weeks. I let him go.

    Then he was back texting, emailing, and as I came back to Florida he took me boating (I can’t believe I even agreed to it because it had been pretty nasty)….that was the incident when he had been sending a text message a day for weeks and caught me on the first day I got to Fl. That was about a year ago and since then we have been doing the little ‘can I trust you?’ dance, with roles reversed, i e he is the initiator, convincer etc.
    Much better but still the dance.

    And in the meantime I had lots of dates, some ‘friends’ and a boyfriend for 6 months.

    Actually, it was the fb salsa pictures that ruined everything early on but now I see it as a good thing because it made me realise how angry and unreasonable he can get when teased- pretty scary.



  309.  #310Daria on August 31, 2012 at 2:47 am

    Heart – wow! I feel inspired that you will ask him for a solution! How brave and Goddessy



  310.  #311Tam on August 31, 2012 at 2:49 am

    Sorry for the babble, actually I am in the present not the past. Tam, stay in the present!! 🙂



  311.  #312Tam on August 31, 2012 at 3:10 am

    Heart yeah, I wonder what CuddleyGrinch will say…



  312.  #313Tam on August 31, 2012 at 3:34 am

    I need some advice, I am thinking of getting the heart connection toolkit, it would feel so good to listen to more advice….is it sufficiently different to the e-book?



  313.  #314Heart on August 31, 2012 at 3:35 am

    Daria – I feel happy to read that

    Tam – I feel curious about it too…I guess I need to Be Surprised (:



  314.  #315Heart on August 31, 2012 at 3:48 am

    Tam – It was Pre-Rori…Now u know better…
    I think Mr.P sounds a bit like a selfish possessive bastard…who wants you to treat him like a Partner while not wanting to be your partner…

    Omgod…a cat just meowed outside…such a cute sweet sound.



  315.  #316Sirenity on August 31, 2012 at 3:49 am

    I am drowning in a sea of men who make contact but dont follow up..

    ..one who is texting not calling

    ..one who feels a “deep surprising connection” after one call but isnt calling again.

    ..two who are emailing and ignoring the number i attached to their last mails.

    I feel disappointed .

    One called alphaman -something -or -other sends the initial flirt line “send me an email and I’ll buy you the first coffee”. (one of the sites options)

    I dont like sites that offer this as a contact option. i am surprised and disappointed at how many men use this option..that is sink back into the feminine mode ..currently running at two out of three approaches!!!! I usually answer it with ‘ i am looking forward to your email” , but they flake .

    Part of my mind feels worried that these guys are actually the new wave of men, NOT into chasing , waiting for the woman’s approach ,looking for her to do the relationship work and row the boat.

    Are others finding this? It makes me feel panicky and unsure.



  316.  #317Tam on August 31, 2012 at 3:54 am

    315 – Heart, very accurate observation. I believe that was one of the things I threw at him, during my fit of rage…. 😉
    It’s a case of having one’s cake and eating it, well that ain’t happening. 🙂



  317.  #318Tam on August 31, 2012 at 3:55 am

    Sirenity…sounds like the weird and wonderful world of internet dating…oh yes, others are finding this!



  318.  #319Jenny on August 31, 2012 at 3:59 am

    316: Sirenity – Yup, find the same.



  319.  #320Heart on August 31, 2012 at 4:00 am

    Sirenity – no those men just have low interest. Men that are into you will pursue you. Those guys are attracted to you but not enough to pursue you.
    Don’t bother to over-analyse these men (save all your crazy for Men who really like you….hahaha…Joking). Who knows why they lost interest – they thought u were easy, they have a girlfriend/wife, they became gay overnight…Who knows…

    Maybe you’re giving off leaning forward energy…the fact that your questioning whether to lean forward or not could mean that your boundaries are not strong. Maybe they sense this in your vibe…



  320.  #321ruth on August 31, 2012 at 4:01 am

    Tam
    I have got the Heart Connection toolkit

    I feel weird saying this on the blog, but I have to say that I think Reconnect and Modern Siren are much more full of advice and scripts



  321.  #322Tam on August 31, 2012 at 4:02 am

    321 Thank you Ruth!! I shall look into it…



  322.  #323Heart on August 31, 2012 at 4:04 am

    Sirenity – that happens to me too…but it’s not a big deal. I just disregard men like that… Don’t lean forward. Let that ship sail on by…



  323.  #324Tam on August 31, 2012 at 4:06 am

    ..I was looking for an all-round program that I can still afford…hmmmm….not sure which one…



  324.  #325Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 4:27 am

    Most people praise Commitment Blueprint as the best with the most info. LoveScripts is the newest but check out the catalog



  325.  #326Tam on August 31, 2012 at 4:29 am

    Thanks FW, I have been meaning to get the blueprint but need to save for that :/



  326.  #327Sirenity on August 31, 2012 at 4:38 am

    Thanks ladies. i feel no interest in leaning forward at all. I just feel sadness that they arent truly interested !



  327.  #328Linda on August 31, 2012 at 4:40 am

    Good Mornin’

    Siren Angel… I am trying to be open.. Actually I just raised my cut off age to 58 and now he is 61 but posted he was 58 hmmm. I feel that this ties into my last relationship. It only worked because I invested, compromised, accepted things that were not good for me. 61 Does not feel good for me, I feel it is a continuation of me doing more compromising, However, I will meet him, it is not like I am accepting a marriage proposal or anything.

    I am really trying to understand my feelings and not going to dismiss them or bury them. I dont want to feel shut down anymore in life. SOmetimes a man does that to me… sometimes it is myself and old patterns of behavior… I have made a committment to my feminine energy to not shut it out again.

    Maybe life will surprise me though. Thank you for planting the possibility.

    hugs



  328.  #329Heart on August 31, 2012 at 4:57 am

    mmmm is eating a kitkat and feeling so mmmm



  329.  #330Linda on August 31, 2012 at 5:06 am

    Sirenity … I have had lots of this too. I used to feel sad that they were not really interested. I dont take it personally anymore though. Yes it disappointing. I have begun to view the websites as a tool or vehicle like a big box of single people is all. There seems to be a”shopping”attitude on the websites and since people (men too) are lonely and it feel annonomous…. the contact style and level is what it is. They just circle around us nibble a bit just to fill some sort of void is what I have concluded.

    DOes feel bothersome, but it is what it is I guess.

    They are just big boxes of single people.



  330.  #331Rebecca on August 31, 2012 at 5:18 am

    Serenity,

    I am finding that too with online dating. I think when you find someone ‘right’ you will just click, and you will feel confident that they are ‘into’ you.

    I only starting online dating a few years ago and I am well into my 30’s. I was amazed at how ‘normal’ and ‘nice’ some of these men were. In fact a made quite a few good friends – no romance though – and actually the friendships fizzled because it didn’t feel quite right knowing that they wanted romance. But genuinely nice people and ones I hadn’t even thought of pursuing.

    I think I’m a bit battle hardy to it all now though 🙁

    Now when I online date I wonder if I have a bit of a negative vibe because I’m bored with all the small talk.

    How are you?
    How was your weekend?
    What do you think of the dating site?
    What do you do?
    What are your interests?

    Yikes, I really find it difficult to know what to say. Plus I over analyse when I write and I find it really difficult to write naturally…

    Hmmm… we are all learning I guess.



  331.  #332Tam on August 31, 2012 at 5:21 am

    Rebecca, what you are writing regarding online dating is true for me too. Plus I dabble in it, never get too excited until I meet the men.



  332.  #333Smile on August 31, 2012 at 5:23 am

    Oo tam, ex of 2 years just texts. I feel special that he’s still thinking bout me.

    I feel relaxed. I’m not letting the excitement take over. I’m feeling in the moment. But it did make me feel lit up from my head to my toes.



  333.  #334Tam on August 31, 2012 at 5:32 am

    Smile…hahaaaa!! You see – I knew it! La la la!! 😉



  334.  #335Heart on August 31, 2012 at 5:33 am

    wow….Yay smile !



  335.  #336Rebecca on August 31, 2012 at 5:34 am

    Weird, a guy, who I barely know and went on one date with about 4 years ago, emailed me yesterday and asked me if I was doing anything for Christmas and if I wasn’t did I want to spend it with him?!

    Okay, it was more of a holiday romance type thing as he teaches abroad and is originally from Canada – but it did make me smile that he was still thinking of me after so long… curious…



  336.  #337Sassy on August 31, 2012 at 6:49 am

    I am here because I need to be working on “having the relationship I want” with myself first. Ive always suffered from low value/low self esteem and masculine energy. I’ve done everything wrong, initiated contact, leaned forward, chased, pursued, tried to control, etc ad nauseum.
    So I want to take care of me first and learn to love myself, as I cannot have that relationship with another soul until I’m fixed.
    I have no aspirations for marriage or co-habitation at this point, been there, done that, got the scars inside to prove it.
    I want to be adored, cherished, taken care of and loved fully and completely. No hurry, cuz honestly, I still am very young.
    I just have to learn to stop trying to control anyone other than myself and my actions.



  337.  #338Tam on August 31, 2012 at 6:58 am

    Hey Sassy..you’re on the right track!! 🙂



  338.  #339Tam on August 31, 2012 at 7:01 am

    men are cute. you don’t hear from them in weeks and then all of a sudden everything has to be a great rush.

    I just had 2 CD’s inbox me, minutes from each other, asking me when I will be in Florida. When I replied, both wrote back ‘hurry up’ almost instantly.
    I was laughing a lot, hadn’t hear from either in a couple of weeks….

    It’s like they are buzzing over my head like planes in a holding pattern, only checking in with the tower every now and then when it’s time to land…on my landing strip…hahaha…oh funny. Well, at least I can keep myself amused.



  339.  #340Iamabutterfly on August 31, 2012 at 7:02 am

    ((((Sassy))))



  340.  #341Siren Angel on August 31, 2012 at 7:03 am

    He broke up with me. Again.

    We were supposed to go away this weekend to Lake Placid.

    Said he loves me, is terribly attracted to me, feels so connected to me, but that his kids don’t want me around.



  341.  #342Siren Angel on August 31, 2012 at 7:04 am

    I am still wearing the promise ring he gave me, just 1 month ago, on my left hand, wedding finger.



  342.  #343Rebecca on August 31, 2012 at 7:06 am

    Ahhhhh ((((((Siren Angel)))))

    If he loves you, and you love him I’m sure it will work out, give it time.. Can you?



  343.  #344Tam on August 31, 2012 at 7:10 am

    Siren Angel, if he is ready to break up because his kids ‘don’t like you around’, that shows his unwillingness to have a real relationship in my opinion. Just my 2 cents.
    Do you want to be at the mercy of an 11 year old?
    I certainly wouldn’t.



  344.  #345Tam on August 31, 2012 at 7:12 am

    Ooops, that sounds very harsh..what I meant to say is that you deserve a man who is 100% behind you and really loves and cares for you enough to make his kids understand and accept you. And is willing to work at that.



  345.  #346Sassy on August 31, 2012 at 7:24 am

    Siren Angel,

    I know you feel hurt and confused, but honestly honey, he is showing you his true colors. It would be no different in your marriage, other than you wouldn’t have your own home/refuge to go back to.
    So so sorry.
    Much love



  346.  #347MissStix on August 31, 2012 at 7:28 am

    257 tam

    I don’t know if anyone has said this yet because I jumped on commenting before reading further…But one of the side effects of using these tools is becoming a safe place for men to share their feelings.

    Get used it! hehe 🙂

    Time to learn what level of openness you desire in a man 😉



  347.  #348Laughing Goddess on August 31, 2012 at 7:30 am

    Siren Angel:

    IMO, you deserve better.



  348.  #349Iamabutterfly on August 31, 2012 at 7:32 am

    i feel pain in my chest and my tummy. Feels tight and sad and painful. I feel frustrated because I can’t tell if it’s physical, emotional, or both.

    It would feel so good to escape into the woods.

    The air felt so still and so perfect this morning. Like the world was at peace.

    I feel so sad still. I feel so sleepy.
    It would feel so good to…I don’t know.
    I don’t know what would feel good.

    It would feel good to rub my stomach.
    There, that already feels better.
    It feels good to sit still, to quiet my thoughts, to feel my body.

    This sadness feels overwhelming.
    It’s coming from deep inside somewhere.
    It’s in my stomach in my chest, now it’s in my head, flowing out of my eyes.



  349.  #350Tam on August 31, 2012 at 7:40 am

    347 – Miss Stix, yes, you are right…..I must confess in a man I haven’t even met yet it feels pretty weird to have that openness….whereas with others I’d be grateful if they opened up a little. But yes, generally I did feel a little put out by an email strewn with feeling messages, I kinda thought ‘jeepers, the guy is better at it than me!!’.



  350.  #351bloom-ing on August 31, 2012 at 7:41 am

    siren angel, it sounds like this man is really struggling with all the relationships in his life right now… it would sound good to me to just let him drift away until his divorce is finalized & he & his kids have re-established some modicum of stability together…. (((((Siren Angel)))))



  351.  #352Annie on August 31, 2012 at 7:49 am

    I feel in agreement with Sassy Siren Angel.
    Best to find out now.



  352.  #353Annie on August 31, 2012 at 7:49 am

    And Laughing Goddess



  353.  #354MissStix on August 31, 2012 at 7:51 am

    Tam

    I would think the same. Plus…I really enjoy the opening up process! It’s exciting and nerve tingling. Like discovering something new each day. I would be totally put off if a man just plunged right in right away. Too much!



  354.  #355Siren Angel on August 31, 2012 at 8:10 am

    Thank you Sirens.

    I somewhat feel this may all have to do with the promise ring and a fear of commitment. He may be using his kids as an excuse. We started having issues again right after he gave me the promise ring.

    I also know that he married his ex-wife when she was pregnant with now 11 yr old. I don’t believe he would have gone through with it otherwise.

    This is the 3rd breakup in one and a half years (every 6 months it seems). And it always when there is a big commitment looming. Before last x-mas vacation, we had looked at a house together to rent. He backtracked when we had problems on x-mas vacation.

    I am feeling that the problems may come from my insecurity as he always severely withdraws after a commitment promise… and the kids feel it and play on it… and the downpour starts then.

    Does this make sense?



  355.  #356MissStix on August 31, 2012 at 8:12 am

    ((((Siren Angel))))

    What a hurtful thing to have to hear 🙁

    I believe you will thrive on your own, with your son.

    I saw a photo of you on fb…It really touched me. You were squatting down with a baby boy petting a sheep through a fence. It is beautiful. I don’t know who the baby boy is (older son, younger?) Just so beautiful…When I saw it I thought “any man would be off his rocker not to utterly cherish this woman.”

    I don’t want to see any woman drown in a river of toxicity.

    I see what you write about the children and honestly…I don’t believe that is even YOU talking. It is fear and pain and desperation talking. I know others have stated worry over how you speak of the children. They put it on you. Yes it is on you, but I see it differently. My senses tell me the authentic you would never judge a child!

    When I was in a toxic situation I said things and acted in ways that make me feel ill looking back. But that was not me. It was poisonous. It muddled me all up.

    I do not want to imagine what it would feel like to hear “the kids don’t want you around.” Aweful. Even if you sensed it already.

    Babe, you are gorgeous! And kind, loving, warm, inviting, willing to work and grow.

    I don’t know what else to say I just…Feel desperate to help you remember you are love and safety.



  356.  #357Siren Angel on August 31, 2012 at 8:12 am

    ((((((((((FLOWERCHILD)))))))))

    Sirens, I have just read on FB Siren Island page that Flowerchild’s oldest son was in a terrible car accident and is in critical condition. Please send her and her son all the best wishes and thoughts you can today.



  357.  #358Siren Angel on August 31, 2012 at 8:15 am

    Thank you MissStix, that feels so good to hear right now.

    The child in the picture is my now 7 year old. He was about 2 on that picture.

    I know I sound angry at the kids and some Sirens dissaprove, but I am feeling overwhelmed and may not express myself correctly during this time. Thank you for understanding MissStix.

    Thank you.



  358.  #359Tam on August 31, 2012 at 8:17 am

    Siren Angel, it makes total sense.

    He might just need time, and he might just not be your man.

    It must be so exhausting to ‘break up and make up’ and once you have this pattern, it seems impossible to get out of it, as it’s like a cycle…after a break-up you move closer, get back together, and as you get really close there comes the break-up out of fear. I know this pattern very well in my own life and it’s very far from what a stable relationship looks like, where problems get worked out before breaking up is seen as an option.

    This could go on forever, you know?



  359.  #360Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 8:17 am

    Siren Angel I agree with blooming. Give compassion to yourself so you can find it in you to feel compassion for them. I agree with Tam and others regarding the “right” thinking and the “right” path but paving the way to yourself through compassion is a gentle road for your Mr. Right to walk on.



  360.  #361MissStix on August 31, 2012 at 8:17 am

    Oh my gosh!

    (((((flowerchild)))))

    Sending my deepest and warmest hopes and wishes for pulling through and healing.

    ((((flowerchilds son)))))



  361.  #362Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 8:19 am

    OMG (((((((((((Flowerchild) I am praying for him

    Thanks for the advice Siren Angel



  362.  #363Tam on August 31, 2012 at 8:21 am

    (((((Flowerchild)))) life just seems unfair sometimes, really, hoping all turns out well for her and her boy.



  363.  #364Tam on August 31, 2012 at 8:24 am

    Nicely said FW…in truth, although I don’t sound like it often, I have recently come to the conclusion that compassion is the best path in almost all circumstances, with almost everybody…not just for them but also for oneself. It’s just so much more relaxing than anger or sadness (although they are valid feelings too).
    Compassion feels like stroking one’s own head and goind ‘there, there’ – all will be fine’.
    And I believe all will be fine. Whatever that looks like.



  364.  #365Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 8:28 am

    RE 355 Siren Angel it makes a lot of sense. The thing though is that you are not cdating. He knows he is the only one in the picture and puts the relationship on trial based on his doubts. I feel for him and you both. Trust me I am not judging you. I just believe that if you do it Rori’s way of taking care of you first, things could change.

    I love what Tam says about the break up and make up pattern. You have identified its timeline so you are empowered to break it. Even if it is with another man, it might show up again.



  365.  #366Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 8:32 am

    Lilibee I hope your vacation and alone time turned out well



  366.  #367Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 8:35 am

    Siren Angel you don’t sound angry at the kids. You just sound a bit confused and laser focussed on their behavior and words. As if you need to step back a little to get a clear picture.



  367.  #368MissStix on August 31, 2012 at 8:38 am

    I feel sadness.

    I want to feel compassion like tam says. I feel that too.

    I feel ill and angry and sad when I think about a child learning a lesson…It is ok. If you don’t like someone you can be mean to them and they will go away.

    Where is the compassion in this lesson? Where is the positive growth? Yes, children need to be listened to, and validated. But they also need to be spoken to, and guided. They need to be taught that there are people in this world we may not like, or want to have around, but we need to show those people love, kindess and acceptance. Everyone can thrive in an environment promoting those things.

    I feel sad and desperate to read of flowerchilds son. I think of my cousins son. Hit by a truck in april. He pulled through. Him and his mom are closer than ever. Things can go bad and come out good. I want to send my strongest healing vibes to flowerchild and her family! They are in my heart.



  368.  #369Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 8:39 am

    Let him go to Lake Placid and hopefully learn the hard way that the kinds can’t give him with a caring, loving woman can. Sometimes the space, the thinking and the missing can teach a much better lesson than all our talking and presence can.



  369.  #370Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 8:40 am

    typo the hard way that the “kids”



  370.  #371ruth on August 31, 2012 at 8:40 am

    Prayers from me too for flowerchild and her son



  371.  #372Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 8:43 am

    MissStix they need to learn those lessons but maybe this experience or another is not where they will learn it. As a matter of fact I believe they have already learned them. They might just be resisting the facts.



  372.  #373Sassy on August 31, 2012 at 8:47 am

    Oh almost forgot, Lizka soooo happy to see you back!!!
    And I absolutely do not look, feel or act my age!!! Hehe, good genes. I detest when someone my age or in the general vicinity says they’ve had a “senior moment”. WTH, everyone forgets something at one time or another.
    I feel strongly that we should never stop learning or building or experimenting.
    With respect to my process and my previous post, finding and “feeling” my feelings is all new to me, and it’s slow going, but it is happening and that makes me feel happy and giddy!



  373.  #374Sassy on August 31, 2012 at 8:55 am

    Oh Flowerchild! My thoughts, prayers and love are being sent your way. We are all here for you in whatever way you need.



  374.  #375Annie on August 31, 2012 at 8:57 am

    Hugs Siren Angel.

    Even if he hadn’t broken up with you would you want a committed relationship with this man as he is right now?
    A man who allows his kids to hurt you kids with no proper boundaries, plan and solution to your conflict in place?

    If he said he wanted you you would go back to rinse and repeat cycle. So would you stay or walk if you got back together and he stayed and he didn’t step up.

    Are you cding? Or had he got you all to himself just with the promise ring and no real engagement ring and wedding date set?
    Would you realty want to marry him just as he is now?
    Would this be the life and man you wanted just as he is now?



  375.  #376Annie on August 31, 2012 at 8:59 am

    Healing wishes for flowechild and her son.



  376.  #377bloom-ing on August 31, 2012 at 9:01 am

    annie,

    i notice i’m experiencing your questions in a very heavy, way…. it feels like two hands on top of my shoulders pushing me “back down into my seat”… & even being hit on the head – “don’t move”

    i feel curious if you are angry at a specific man?

    i’m sorry if you experience this as “intrusive” – i would like to connect with you & understand. what do you think?



  377.  #378Annie on August 31, 2012 at 9:03 am

    Have you a link to siren island page?



  378.  #379Annie on August 31, 2012 at 9:04 am

    Ok Blooming.



  379.  #380Annie on August 31, 2012 at 9:08 am

    That feels an interesting question
    I don’t believe I am angry at a specific man no.
    No it doesn’t feel intrusive.

    I do feel a bit peed off angry in general today but not over any man.
    Felt unheard earlier in a couple of situations where people had not done what i specifically requested and another couple of incidences.



  380.  #381Tam on August 31, 2012 at 9:09 am

    375 and 377 – Annie and Blooming…actually, I feel Annies words as tough love, not so much repressing and/or anger at a specific man. More anger or assertiveness about the situation of someone being treated less than we like our fellow sirens be treated..maybe?

    Funny how the same words can evoke different feelings. Yes, they seem harsh, but reading them also kind of oozes comfort in the way that someone who is worried about you, gives you a little lesson.

    Oh Boy, sometimes I need that lesson, and feel better when hearing it.



  381.  #382Annie on August 31, 2012 at 9:10 am

    Sent a fax to someone about sending some items to it as they requested with permission for them to charge my card next day delivery as wanted the items ASAP. two weeks later I find out they only just sent item today trying to be nice and not charge me to give me free delivery grrr and want get my items until wed. Not a happy bunny.



  382.  #383Annie on August 31, 2012 at 9:11 am

    I did feel anger towards Sirens needs not being met yes and her deserving more yes TAM.



  383.  #384Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 9:12 am

    Annie I experienced something simiarly and used FMs to express my exasperation, shock and disapproval that they had actually charge my card without shipping to products after a week. I got some additional products as a result.



  384.  #385Laughing Goddess on August 31, 2012 at 9:15 am

    (((Flowerchild)))

    Sending so much love your way.



  385.  #386Annie on August 31, 2012 at 9:16 am

    And then a couple of other situations today, taking up my time to sort out being given misinformation and then everyone expects me to solve it when it is their job.
    My choices are either then to go ahead and solve it or it, or leave it as it is and my eldest get in grief and be late starting back to college.
    Just feel fed up at times. I know he is my child so my responsibility and people make mistakes. But they make them often and it feel wearing having to constantly check up and fix things.



  386.  #387Tam on August 31, 2012 at 9:16 am

    384 – well FW isn’t that a nice metaphor?!

    I see the ‘extra products’ as the ‘extras’ we get from men or generally people around us when we use FM’s…



  387.  #388Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 9:16 am

    It’s the inquisitor showing. I have that too.



  388.  #389Iamabutterfly on August 31, 2012 at 9:17 am

    Praying for you, Flowerchild!



  389.  #390Annie on August 31, 2012 at 9:18 am

    384: Femininewoman says

    “Annie I experienced something simiarly and used FMs to express my exasperation, shock and disapproval that they had actually charge my card without shipping to products after a week. I got some additional products as a result.”

    🙂 How nice, feel pleased you got treated well to make up for it.



  390.  #391ruth on August 31, 2012 at 9:20 am

    I guess we interpret words differently at different times
    Tough love can feel helpful on one day, and yet on another feel harsh,and just too painful to hear/bear

    And I will say it again, there is so much more potential for misunderstanding when you cant pick up the non verbal stuff



  391.  #392Annie on August 31, 2012 at 9:21 am

    I did say i felt disappointed and sad that I still hadn’t got my stuff and like I had wasted my time sending a fax which stated quite clearly what I wanted.

    Just got a load of excuses and ” I’m sorry you feel sad about it. OMG I felt so triggered by someone saying they felt sorry for my sadness. This did not help one little bit. I felt totally dismissed and said. ” I don;t want anyone to feel sorry for my feelings thank you. And now I feel angry and put the phone down.



  392.  #393bloom-ing on August 31, 2012 at 9:21 am

    Oh, Tam, & Annie, i feel an “aha” that anger can feel loving & supportive…



  393.  #394Siren Angel on August 31, 2012 at 9:22 am

    FW @369,

    This was a special weekend just for M and myself. We both don’t have the kids this weekend. Which makes this feel particularly painful because it is our alone time that he is cancelling.

    I said I respected his thoughts and wishes but that it would feel so good to talk about this over the weekend and reconnect. To which he said the problem is not in our connection, that we are very connected. That it’s because the kids have ganged up on me and do not wish to see me anymore. He said that on Monday night 11 yr old all of a sudden wanted alone time with his dad and asked when that would happen. And as we are getting our kids back NEXT weekend, he told him it would be with us. Then 11 yr old said no, I want to spend more time alone with you. That started a discussion in which apparently 11 yr old ‘sad’ and said he doesnt want me around.

    Also, when I ask M about the words his kids specifically used, it seems like M makes it worse, which makes me feel like he is using this as an excuse to backtrack on our commitment.



  394.  #395Annie on August 31, 2012 at 9:24 am

    Oh dear, I feel hormonal. Full moon. I had best lock myself away 😀



  395.  #396Annie on August 31, 2012 at 9:27 am

    Hugs Siren Angel.



  396.  #397Siren Angel on August 31, 2012 at 9:27 am

    Annie,

    There would have to be adjustments. Repeating this feels too scary… What if they don’t like me again, even if we ‘make up’, in another 6 mths, 2 years, 5 years? After we are married and living together?

    Also, he has the tendency, and has done in the past, is to reactivate his online profile immediately. This feels too scary for me and he knows this as we have had that discussion last time.

    I am not sure I want, or even could, go down the commitment path with him again.

    I agree, I should have been CDing, but he made it clear he wouldn’t tolerate it. He did not like my comments about ‘keeping my options open because I want to marry’. He said it made him feel threatened.



  397.  #398Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 9:29 am

    Siren Angel have you ever said the “kids ganged up on you” to M?



  398.  #399Siren Angel on August 31, 2012 at 9:29 am

    I need to heal. Then I will CD.



  399.  #400Siren Angel on August 31, 2012 at 9:30 am

    FW @398,

    M used the words ‘the kids have ganged up on you. They don’t accept you anymore. I think it is not fixable at this point’.



  400.  #401Annie on August 31, 2012 at 9:30 am

    I don’t suppose any of us really want to share our loved ones attention.
    What do you think?

    Gosh I remember my eldest standing inbetween me and other adults to do his best to stop me talking to them Crikey.
    And it feels really bad to me if my man gives any other woman attention. It feels good if he gives my children attention but not other woman.noooooo. 😉



  401.  #402Tereana on August 31, 2012 at 9:31 am

    So, tonight is the blue moon, huh? Okay. I wonder what that means for me. People usually get a bit “nutsy” around the full moon. I can be no exception sometimes.

    And it feels strangely synchronous, being that I am expecting my period to come tomorrow. I had two offers from men to hang out with me this weekend. One was SYG – he was just talking crap, I believe. Well, not crap, exactly. He was talking fantasy. He wanted to go up and have a weekend by the lake. That’s what I want, too!! But then, of course, everything devolved with him…

    You know, I actually don’t think I got ahead of myself there. I think he did. He was “driving” the train, and he just got a little “oversteamed,” and then he had to pull it back. But it was too far, too fast for me. I am still moving forward. And without him.

    My only regret, as far as he is concerned, is that I didn’t just make him leave my house, the minute after he said, “I’m not ready for a relationship right now.” He literally grabbed me and pulled me back into bed. All I wanted to do was to get away. And I made him let me get up and take a shower. After that, I only feel upset that I actually sat down and listened to him. Because it was all a big tease. I regret that I gave him even five minutes more of my time. He didn’t deserve it. Because he’d already told me everything I needed to hear…Blech.

    Anyway. I am on to bigger and better things now….

    More CDs, more men in my life. More big changes. This is a very big time of change for me. I think I may want to move house, and I’m not really exactly sure how I’m going to accomplish that. I don’t have money saved up for a deposit. I just have a goal in mind of where I want to be….

    And I’m doing my best not to feel sad or bitter that I’m not doing anything this weekend. I took the time off for myself, not for anyone else. And truly, if I get my period, I know I will feel grateful to be sitting around, doing practically nothing. Lol. I really need that. And I’m giving myself five full days to do that, because my body is just sooo tired.

    And maybe I’ll have more time to check in and hang out on the blog 🙂

    Happy Friday!!



  402.  #403Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 9:32 am

    “but he made it clear he wouldn’t tolerate it. He did not like my comments about ‘keeping my options open because I want to marry’.

    This is horse!crap without a commitment. That really he can’t give until he is divorced. He knows that. He is showing you where your dormatty feelings are. Hope you are paying attention to take care of them.



  403.  #404Laughing Goddess on August 31, 2012 at 9:32 am

    It is interesting how people can interpret words differently. I didn’t feel triggered by Annie’s approach at all.

    At first, I had hope that things would work out, but at this point, my thought is that SA has owned her part and made some changes and I don’t see him doing the same.

    I personally think that he might need to experience what he is missing, before he has the motivation to change. As FW said, his kids cannot replace a loving woman in his life. I also doubt that the situation would be any better with another women. I don’t think it’s about SA personally, but rather him and his kids finding balance after a divorce and I do feel compassion for that.

    If I was in the situation, I think I would majorly step back and put all of my focus on me, my son, and my fabulous life.

    I know that is easier said then done, and there might be moments of sadness. I imagine that it also might feel really relieving to remove one’s self from what seems like a draining dynamic.

    (((siren angel)))



  404.  #405Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 9:34 am

    Siren Angel I realized he used those words but I suspect you might have at one point in your discussions and now he is reflecting it back as an excuse?



  405.  #406Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 9:35 am

    SSA I say that because in essence he would be agreeing with you now rather that suggesting that it is not true. It seems in the past he did not see them doing that and that you were overreacting.



  406.  #407Annie on August 31, 2012 at 9:36 am

    397: Siren Angel says:

    “Annie,

    There would have to be adjustments. Repeating this feels too scary… What if they don’t like me again, even if we ‘make up’, in another 6 mths, 2 years, 5 years? After we are married and living together?

    Also, he has the tendency, and has done in the past, is to reactivate his online profile immediately. This feels too scary for me and he knows this as we have had that discussion last time.

    I am not sure I want, or even could, go down the commitment path with him again.

    I agree, I should have been CDing, but he made it clear he wouldn’t tolerate it. He did not like my comments about ‘keeping my options open because I want to marry’. He said it made him feel threatened.”

    Hugs, it would feel good to hear Dominiques or Roris view on this ” it made him feel threatened.



  407.  #408Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 9:38 am

    I totally agree that with another woman nothing is likely to change. If anything it would be worse because now the kids have more power, plus he would see the pattern clearer.



  408.  #409Annie on August 31, 2012 at 9:38 am

    Or femininewoman if she remembers any past threads about this.

    I remember one vaguely along the lines as they try this on.
    And they are supposed to feel threatened aren’t they?
    Isn’t that the whole point that they feel threatened they might lose you to someone else and this makes them step up or fall by the wayside to a better man who steps up and wins you?



  409.  #410Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 9:39 am

    He didn’t feel threatened. He was making a subliminal threat. He knows he only has her to himself after commitment. That is basic manspeak.



  410.  #411Laughing Goddess on August 31, 2012 at 9:41 am

    I’m remembering something Rori wrote, hopefully someone else will remember the specifics, about how if he says he wants to break up to respond with “I agree” or something like that.

    Anybody else know the article I’m thinking of?



  411.  #412Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 9:42 am

    I heard it in Reconnect LG.



  412.  #413bloom-ing on August 31, 2012 at 9:42 am

    & for me for some reason still I don’t feel angry at Siren Angel’s man…. & maybe it’s “only” “because” i feel so so sad for a poor man who has his babies & they’re all upset & the mama is upset & everyone is crying – everything is moving & changing & every person is sad & adjusting & so i imagine trying to be a good partner to an “outsider” (just not one of the primary players in the Original Drama) in that situation while still managing the whole Thing “responsibly” & in a masculine adult way would feel like trying to hold a house up in an earthquake. i’m not sure if it’s a human-scale task right now (today) for these people… or, it sounds that way to me. i have very limited experience in the politics of blended families… but i do have memories of the “stepmother” figure being painted by the children in a very negative way. the “feeling” often seems to be that the (often younger) new woman is perceived more as a sibling to be competed with, rather than a mother figure to be loved & respected…. also seems to be the idea that the new woman gets “special treatment” – because the children have never seen their father “in courtship” before, so “gifts” & “dates” & “romantic getaways” are new foreign terrors of scarcity for them……. so i can imagine M feeling exhausted by the divorce proceedings + child drama + relationship drama. he HAS to “pick” the kids. like, there is no other option. it’s sad that he doesn’t know how to “pick” the kids but ALSO “choose relationship” – but that’s not an antagonistic “action” – it’s just a human weak-ness (not necessarily a fundamental flaw; more a spiritual exhaustion). or, that is how i am imagining it. i feel sorry if this feels difficult or triggering to read, particularly since i have zero first-hand understanding of this. i’d feel interested to hear other perspectives. thank you



  413.  #414ruth on August 31, 2012 at 9:48 am

    413
    Blooming, I feel surprised to hear that you have no experience of this situation
    What you have written feels very astute and compassionate to me



  414.  #415Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 9:48 am

    The TRUTH is – EVERY man knows that if he isn’t marrying you, he has NO VALID claim on you. He KNOWS he can’t expect LOYALTY (as in “exclusivity”) if he hasn’t committed to you. It’s plain, basic “man-speak” — whether he owns up to it or not.

    And the more we buy into this, the less respect, on a deep, subconscious level, he has for you. I would be willing to guess that he didn’t divorce his ex just because she cheated on him. There was more and uglier stuff he can’t even get to inside his brain and heart. If someone cheats on us — every single one of us blames ourselves for it. We’re enraged at them, but we think it’s because we weren’t “enough” (plenty around this for another discussion).

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/commitment/page/3/



  415.  #416Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 9:49 am

    “ONLY important thing is what YOU want — and what you’re willing to negotiate for, what you’re willing to settle for, what you’re willing to tolerate…and what you’re willing to DO for yourself to GET what you want.

    This thing about him being afraid because he’s been “cheated” on is a BIG thing men say and rely on. In other words — he’s THREATENING you, very subconsciously.”



  416.  #417MissStix on August 31, 2012 at 9:50 am

    I’m feeling a bit strange today. Reflective. My empathy feelings are seeded deep today.

    I need to shift my focus onto myself today. I have many errands to run and i’m gearing up for a wine fueled “s3x talk” with G tonite. (thank you dominique! your words lit a fire under my bum ;D) Normally I would never use alcohol to calm my nerves and open my vocal power up. I practice calming myself and i’m trying to learn to speak freely on my own. But it works and I feel very giddy and nervous to just bring this up (we have a phenomenal s3x life). It feels a bit silly to talk about fitting in MORE and extra. But I think it would feel thrilling and fun and bring us even closer.

    I also want him to know I am open to exploring things he wants to explore. I am fully ready to take things further. The feelings, connection, and sensations are intense when we make love, but the s3x itself is on the vanilla side…With a little cherry on top now and again. I want banana splits and chocolate and whipping cream and sprinkles even a blizzard!

    I feel insatiable in a delectable way. I want it all with G. No one else. I refuse to run the risk of emasculating him by comparing him to another man so mentioning the dream is out.

    I still haven’t fully worked out how I will say it…

    I’m thinking along the lines of…

    “Lately i’ve been thinking it would feel amazing and thrilling if we took our lovemaking a step further…”

    Any advice or feedback is greatly appreciated. I’m not even sure how to describe these feelings I crave. The discomfort, the flush, the rush.



  417.  #418Laughing Goddess on August 31, 2012 at 9:52 am

    FW: I would feel so elated if you could elaborate on what she says a little more.

    I don’t have reconnect and I’m feeling very curious. I must have read something similar in a blog post but I can’t seem to find it right now.



  418.  #419MissStix on August 31, 2012 at 9:53 am

    omg I forgot about the blue moon!!

    Oh this is awesome! 😀 Great friday to have this talk!

    Electric excitement!



  419.  #420Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 9:54 am

    I believe I had shared it about 2 blog posts ago to Siren Angel verbatim about what is in Reconnect.



  420.  #421Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 10:00 am

    I know it is on Disc 3 of Reconnect. Siren Angel I believe you said you had that program?

    Basically it says to agree with him that things have felt awful. Now the the space he is giving is allowing you to see if he is the man you want and that it has the effect of hooking him in.



  421.  #422Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 10:01 am

    I am looking for the comment where I wrote it.



  422.  #423MissStix on August 31, 2012 at 10:03 am

    “When a man says he feels afraid because he has been cheated on he is threatening you”

    Oh this is a new and alien concept. G has said those exact words to me. I didn’t take it as a threat I just responded with “Yeah I get it, me too.”

    Hmmmm



  423.  #424Laughing Goddess on August 31, 2012 at 10:04 am

    The most experience I have with this kind of situation is being the kid.

    My parents divorced when I was really young and my mom definitely influenced us to not like my new stepmom. And in a lot of ways, looking back, I think we might have been kind of mean to her.

    My memory is that my dad was very, very fair. He didn’t take sides. He tried to keep everyone as happy as he could.

    Hmmm, I dunno where I’m going with this.

    I feel a little sad thinking about this.

    It may be a good time to refocus and take care of me!

    Yes, yes, I feel excited thinking of that.

    Food, shower, pick up house, haircut, with lots of fun dispersed throughout.



  424.  #425Laughing Goddess on August 31, 2012 at 10:07 am

    Thanks, FW



  425.  #426Tam on August 31, 2012 at 10:09 am

    ‘he knows he only has her after a commitment. that is basic manspeak’.
    Nice to hear that again. And nice to think of that when a man kicks up a fuss or ‘drops lip’ because he realises that he is not your one and only, especially when he has not moved towards commitment.
    Mr P always says he is not a ‘double dater’ and that he doesn’t like it when women keep their options open (it has the ring of promiscuity), but he never seems to make the connection that a commitment would take care of that.
    Personally I think he’s playing dumb, as he’s highly intelligent. I trust that all men know how to ‘claim’ a woman. It’s basic ‘man-speak’ and ‘man-do’, and I guess them not committing and getting triggered at us dating others, is just a case of wanting their cake and eating it.



  426.  #427Smile on August 31, 2012 at 10:09 am

    ((siren angel))

    ((flower child))



  427.  #428bloom-ing on August 31, 2012 at 10:10 am

    siren angel, for me, if i were you, the most salient & revealing thing he has expressed about his “readiness” for commitment is his Unwillingness / Discomfort with the idea of an “Engagement Ring” “because of” his still-effective Union with his Wife. & i do feel angry writing that. i’d feel better to date men who are officially divorced & who have no woman “at their side” whether it be in body, name, or legal documentation. jane leaves rochester even after meeting his “wife” – it’s an untenable situation for most women to “share the pedestal” in their man’s life. & i’m not suggesting to you that you should feel “jealous” or “competitive” around the mother(s?) of M’s children, only that i understand he is in a difficult position to be cultivating “romance” in his life right now today. i imagine it would feel extremely emasculating to perceive “failure” in the roles of husband (divorce), then boyfriend (break-ups & fights), & now father (kid drama). omg the poor man has barely anything left, as i see it & i can empathize with his refusal to allow anything to put his relationship with his kids in jeopardy, even if he seems to be acting “rashly” (& with a bit less maturity than one might hope, evidenced by siding with the 11 yo & using his “points” as actual topics of discussion with you……….) ((((((((((siren angel))))))))))



  428.  #429MissStix on August 31, 2012 at 10:13 am

    Sometimes I feel paranoid when I read certain things. Sometimes I see some words as diminishing a mans capacity to feel. I see my man as a living, breathing human with needs, desires, and fears just like me. Some words seem to fuel my old paranoia. I have worked way way way too hard to take men out of that space in my mind. The threatening, selfish, scheming, playing, lying place. Too hard to let some words shift it all around again.

    Sinking in. I need to think on this.



  429.  #430Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 10:14 am

    When a man has this in his past and tells you about it — he’s telling you that he expects you to be TRUE and LOYAL, and that if you veer from it — by having lunch with another man, he would cross you off his list. That you’d “violate” his needs.

    And this is just, excuse me…okay, I’ll be less colorful here – horsecrap.

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/commitment/page/3/



  430.  #431bloom-ing on August 31, 2012 at 10:16 am

    miss stix, i love men & feel grateful for them in the world (((((men))))) i feel moved & inspired & grateful for the women too (((((women)))))



  431.  #432LoveAlways on August 31, 2012 at 10:21 am

    Annie

    In Commitment Blueprint Rori describes the Ballet Positions of Power. The first position is loving yourself (arms hugging you), the second position is loving and accepting him (arms forward) and the third position is (arms open) allowing him into your heart. It was really beautiful how she describes how to stay open, and I don’t want to misquote her, but her words in that program really fit to answer your question.



  432.  #433LoveAlways on August 31, 2012 at 10:22 am

    Annie, the above is in response to your post # 184 🙂



  433.  #434MissStix on August 31, 2012 at 10:24 am

    I’m feeling hot and riled. ok breathe.

    A man can cross me off his list for whatever reason he wants whenever he wants. If he wants to x me I will skip my jolly little a$$ right out his front door.

    Now who’s making threats heh

    I see now I don’t need to be riled. I have buddies and G has no problem with me hanging out with them. They have become his buddies too. I do not have the capacity to be romantic with more than one person at a time. I am not looking for marriage. These words need not apply to me.



  434.  #435MissStix on August 31, 2012 at 10:33 am

    Thank you bloom-ing!

    ((((to you))))

    ((((to men))))

    We all do our best to get by.



  435.  #436baby steps on August 31, 2012 at 10:40 am

    Dear Sirens,

    Im reading Rori’s ‘How to get the relationship you want’. Throughout the blog, the importance of Feeling words and messages have been emphasized. The closest chapter I can find is chapter 16 on ‘what do I feel’. However there isn’t any examples of full ‘I feel’ statements or sentences.

    Sirens, please help me formulate some examples on how to express myself feelings without being critical of him.

    For example, I am feeling lonely and uncertain as he hasn’t been imitating messages much now that i am in another country for work ( for anout 3 weeks ).His replies are short ( 2 words or 1 word ). We r in an exclusive relationship.

    ‘I feel lonely.’ seems too short…
    ‘I feel lonely cos u haven’t been messaging much’ seems critical
    ‘ I feel lonely and I miss you’ sounds dependent and clingy….

    Thank you!

    PS am I missing something from the book in terms on how to express myself?



  436.  #437Tam on August 31, 2012 at 10:42 am

    I like your posts MissStix, and yes, men are feeling creatures too and it’s just our differences that bring up a lot of misunderstandings.
    I also don’t have the capacity to be romantic with more than one man. I don’t even have the capacity to fully take one man out of my mind and CD properly. For me, they are just ‘friends’. But that can change.



  437.  #438Smile on August 31, 2012 at 10:44 am

    Eek! I just got home to find the ‘to let’ sign has gone up. I feel an urge to lean forward to text strumming man and tell him.

    Next!



  438.  #439Siren Angel on August 31, 2012 at 10:52 am

    FW @421,

    I had actually started re-listening to Reconnect and Disc 3 is the last one I relistened to last week. And thank you for the reminder.

    I did tell him ‘you are absolutely right, it was awful during our vacation’ and ‘this will give me the space to reconsider my options and what I want in my life’

    But I did not feel or hear the hook… But it may come later.



  439.  #440Siren Angel on August 31, 2012 at 10:56 am

    Bloom-ing,

    All wisely said for a young Siren (with no experience with kiddy situations). Yes, I know he is tired and exhausted and his foremost ‘purpose’ is his kids, which he probably does not feel I can support him with anymore (he has often said that if he gets 50/50 custody he would need my help), and he is inhabited by the fear of his ex-wife (whom he agrees influences the kids). All very complex. I do feel compassion for where he is coming from. Yet, I believe he is taking ‘the easy way out’ instead of finding a solution like a good man would do. I know he is a good man and maybe needs reflection time to sort all this out.



  440.  #441Siren Angel on August 31, 2012 at 10:59 am

    About his ex-wife, she did not cheat on him. But he had nor more attraction for her, because he said she was a screaming Biatch% from the beginning of marriage and that it traumatised him. He ended up cheating on her the last few months of their marriage to end it (he says) and because he needed sex but did not want it from her. He has said she was always coming to him, and he would withdraw.



  441.  #442Siren Angel on August 31, 2012 at 11:02 am

    It’s funny how I actually feel that I AM re-evaluating if he is the man I want. Of course, I love him. But is he the man I want? Profoundly yes, IF he is able to make that commitment and find a solution with the kids.

    Otherwise, no.



  442.  #443Siren Angel on August 31, 2012 at 11:04 am

    To be perfectly honest, I had mixed emotions about the promise ring.

    It felt like a ‘stall’ ring to me. I had hoped for a real engagement ring.



  443.  #444Siren Angel on August 31, 2012 at 11:05 am

    Of course I was happy about getting a beautiful meaningful gift. Yet, in the back of mind, I felt annoyed he hadn’t actually gotten a real engagement ring.



  444.  #445Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 11:07 am

    Siren Angel – reading this about what he said about his ex-wife I am not sure if I would want to hook him in if I were wearing your shoes. Pretty soon you might be that woman. It reminds me of CCarter talking about psychology and how “telling stories work”. Without actually saying it “the woman in the story is you, and the man in the story is him”. This he says in his “From Casual to Committed” program. I wonder what she would say about that story.

    Him saying he was a cheater is one of his lemon drops (red flag), she always coming to him another (red flag). Siren Angel I would ask myself what is it about me why I believe that I could convince him to do/be otherwise.



  445.  #446Siren Angel on August 31, 2012 at 11:07 am

    Maybe I have been bliss-blocking… hum… so much going on here.

    Me = Bliss-blocking
    M = Withdrawing and scared shit%less
    Kids = See ring (and don’t say a thing) and create an agenda because kids feel sad and threatened

    Oh…



  446.  #447Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 11:09 am

    RE 442 – That is your gut/intuition talking to you Siren Angel.



  447.  #448Siren Angel on August 31, 2012 at 11:10 am

    FW, I have that program but have to admit I did not give it enough attention. I do remember that part slightly and will relisten. Thank you

    I have to say, I have been scared he would take me to the exact same place as his ex-wife as soon as we are married. Some of this is in seeing his pattern of reactivating online profile as soon as we are no longer together… like last 2 times.



  448.  #449Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 11:11 am

    Siren Angel I don’t know how old you are but for me a promise ring is too high school.



  449.  #450MissStix on August 31, 2012 at 11:11 am

    Tam

    Thanks!

    I like feeling diva! 😀

    Like…Oh no he did not just threaten me! Wanna control me? You got another thing comin’.

    psht.

    😉



  450.  #451Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 11:14 am

    I don’t want to go to a “leopard never changes” but this man needs healing and for me the negative talk about the wife is the confirmation. Until they can get to a place of at least being philosophical about the situation it is treading dangerously. I remember how Receiving Girl was saying how her guy was compasionate toward his ex.



  451.  #452Siren Angel on August 31, 2012 at 11:19 am

    FW,

    He says his ex wife is a Biatch% all the time (not in front of the kids). I have even asked him to please not say that because it makes me feel offended and I feel it is wrong and aggressive. She is quite something though.

    I believe he wanted to genuinely make me happy but did not have the guts to get me the real engagement ring.



  452.  #453Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 11:26 am

    I am sure she is something. I am also sure there is a reason why. It takes two to tango.

    For me, I am building on the belief that actions speak louder than words. That way I can look at a man’s capacity to do relationship.



  453.  #454Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 11:28 am

    I wonder what his relationship with his mother is like. If he says this about his wife, the children most have experienced some of this vibe.



  454.  #455Dominique on August 31, 2012 at 11:34 am

    Ruth – 283- You have an avatar!!! YAY!!!

    Thank you for being open and receptive to this. I saw after I posted that you had some aha moments with Daria and others, and it warmed my heart.

    These seeming jokes and self-deprecating talk are quite powerful as messages to your psyche, your sub-conscious, and how you feel about yourself deep down.

    Take a look around you at those you know who do this regularly. You my feel surprised.

    I feel thrilled you take good care of yourself in other ways, the running. SO important at keeping yourself healthy and as youthful as possible physically and mentally.

    Sending love.

    xxoo



  455.  #456Dominique on August 31, 2012 at 11:52 am

    Sassy – 337 – You don’t need to be fixed, for you are not broken. There’s always healing to be done, and it’s a life long process.

    There is no there to get to in order to have the relationship you’re wanting.

    I was quite the mess when K and I got together, and it all worked out beautifully. The work on me was tough, but the relationship was always rather easy.

    And things keep getting better and better in ALL ways.

    Food for thought.

    xxoo



  456.  #457MissStix on August 31, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    Dominique 456

    very wise. It is thoughts like this that help me a great deal on my journey.

    And it’s actually kind of wonderful to know you are embraced even though you are “in progress”.

    It also takes a special kind of man I believe. With patience and determination. It does for me anyways…



  457.  #458Tam on August 31, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    Yes, Miss Stix, for sure it takes a special kind of man…not ‘perfect’ either, but one to stick out the rough times, and working through the issues too. Not all will do this.
    In my case the one I thought was 100% behind me, wasn’t behind me at all….and the one whom I thought was just a flake, has been unflakey pretty consistently and keeps coming back even though he’s seen me at my very worst. It’s feels comforting to be your worst and still not damage anythibg beyond repair.
    Life is full of surprises. Good ones and bad ones 😉
    I wonder who will cross my path next…excited!!



  458.  #459Siren Angel on August 31, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    For some reason now I feel guilty and that I am being too hard on him, looking for faults in him to convince myself that this would not have worked out.

    And I miss him.



  459.  #460Dominique on August 31, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    Annie and Siren Angel – 407 – My thoughts on this man are not positive. He’s not in a position to be dating let alone giving exclusivity.

    In a word, I don’t want this kind of anxiety and seeming “no win” situation, not that it’s about winning. It seems whichever way you turn Siren Angel, you are made wrong.

    And you feel bad.

    I don’t see this changing any time soon.

    If he truly feels threatened, then why isn’t he stepping up big time to claim you?

    xxoo



  460.  #461Dominique on August 31, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    MissStix – 417 – YAY!!! Enoy.

    How about saying this, “I love our sex life SO much, and this has inspired my imagination. I have a few fantasies I would like to explore. Would you like to hear them?”
    xxoo



  461.  #462MissStix on August 31, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    Tam

    Yes indeed. You expressed that beautifully.

    Nobody….NOBODY in the world is perfect, but it takes a certain someone to say “You may be pi$$ing me off right now, but here I am anyway. Not giving up on you.” Someone who, deep down, you know you don’t want them to give up on you. You don’t want to give up on them. So you just don’t. You find ways not to. And it works.



  462.  #463Siren Angel on August 31, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    Dominique, yes, and the promise ring felt like a stall.
    I miss him already, he broke up, and now I feel guilty and yes I feel like he is making me wrong, blaming me for it all, although he says he loves me. It feels very confusing.



  463.  #464Tam on August 31, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    Miss Stix….that made me feel warm and fuzzy, peoople standing by each other…

    Siren Angel, a man who calls the mother of his children a name like that, no matter what she did… I couldn’t respect a man like that. Just sayin’.



  464.  #465Siren Angel on August 31, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    Tam and MissStix,

    That is what I wished for. For him to say ‘It’s ok, they don’t like you right now, they have their own issues and I have to stand buy them, but we will work on this and find a solution because we love each other’

    Is this too much to ask for?



  465.  #466Tam on August 31, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    No, not too much to ask for, it would have been the right thing to do, SA, the mature thing to do.
    He’s not there (yet?)



  466.  #467Smile on August 31, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    465- this is what you deserve.



  467.  #468Laughing Goddess on August 31, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    I agree. Not too much to ask for.



  468.  #469Laughing Goddess on August 31, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    But he may need to suffer through not having you around to figure that out.



  469.  #470bloom-ing on August 31, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    siren angel, it sounds to me like he is in “urgent flight” on the fight-flight spectrum. i feel compassion for his urgency, but i agree with others that he is not “acting well” or truly even in his own best interest (& that of the children), though he is trying ((((siren angel))))



  470.  #471Smile on August 31, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    334- tam… Yup you were right! He texted me on his lunch to ask if I had a nice hol. I replied like half an hour later. Not heard anything in reply.

    I must remember men work on a completely different time scale to women.

    I wasn’t waiting for his text. Although I was aware he might.

    Now though Its hard not to wait as I know he’ll text again as it’s mid flow conversation…

    Need to get out of my head!



  471.  #472Tam on August 31, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    471…Smile..it’s all exciting though.. 😉



  472.  #473bloom-ing on August 31, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    i’m going to post this all here & do my riffing. i feel scared.

    I’m feeling curious & a bit “stuck” in my imagination in a very specific place.

    I felt bullied by girls in school (through college) & I still feel “bullied” by many women I meet.

    This “assumption” or belief that I’m “in danger” of becoming a target for a “mean girl” means that I have Unreasonable Expectations about my partner in some social situations. Specifically, I feel very uncomfortable when I perceive my partner being Polite & Socially Engaged with a woman who I feel afraid views me as an “underling” or a “target” for bullying. Often times it seems it’s more “in my imagination” but often it’s a very bad feeling & feels Real.

    I don’t want other women viewing me as “less than” just because they have somehow “enticed” my partner into a satisfying interpersonal experience.

    It does feel “related to” my….hm, Unwillingness? to “get dolled up” as well – like I simultaneously “blame” the women who are all “dolled” – I feel “guilty” if I employ such “sorcery” – yet, I also do feel that Abstaining from “feminine rituals” might somehow “remove me from competition” so I’ll be “left alone” in safety. THEN it creates the worst feeling that somehow the girl in eyeliner may think I’m “frumpy” : (((((((((

    & What I REALLY Don’t Want: is for my personal self-esteem to have anything to do with my man. or other women.

    What do you think about that?

    Susie and Otto Collins
    Bloom, you covered a lot of topics and you have a lot of good insights about your situation. It seems like you’re carrying a lot of hurt from the past. It comes down to your beliefs and if you want to keep believing them and holding onto th
    em. Believe us when we say that you can change your beliefs and you can steer your thoughts toward new beliefs that you want to strengthen. So start by writing down what beliefs around this that you want to keep and new beliefs that you want to embody–Start with your beliefs about other women and your safety. If you have women friends, start with feeling safe around them. Learn to trust one woman at a time and start figuring out what trust means to you. Also, we invite you to question your belief that being “dolled up” is sorcery. Do you ever feel attractive and not frumpy? Start feeling moments that you you do and if you never feel attractive, do something that you find acceptable to help you feel better about yourself. It all starts with your beliefs and if you want to change them or not.



  473.  #474Smile on August 31, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    The anticipation feels immense!!! I feel my insides all stirring up 🙂



  474.  #475Smile on August 31, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    Wow all that feeling just for a text that may not be abything or go anywhere. Just enjoying thd text message 🙂



  475.  #476Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    Siren Angel of course it is confusing. But he should be the one confused not you. I suggested a couple of times that he did not seem to be asking you to be the mother to his children though you seemed to be assuming the role.

    I believe your feelings around the promise ring was spot on and this is the type of thing that you really want to focus your attention on rather than on the kids behavior.



  476.  #477bloom-ing on August 31, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    well, mostly i feel “ICK” because i don’t want to carry anger around.

    beliefs i have that i don’t want: women are catty & mean (ICKKKK), women want me to suffer (ouch), women want to push me into myself & quiet me down & kxll me even maybe (scary)…. ummm, “i can’t trust any of them” “not even my family” ouch.

    this is hurting my head by my right ear & all the way down to the small of my back, like a little vein of bad energy. poor angry mad sad girl so mad so mad

    feel like screaming at “you bxtches” – girls in middle school (awww lk everyone has a hard time in middle school – you think they were picking on you because they were happy ? awwww poor girls, all of them & you too – poor humans!) girls in high school (that one girl who tried to take you down was a lesbian, so definitely consider re-writing that relationship story in your mind – like, she wasn’t trying to do anything to you around Men – she was navigating her OWN feelings about Men & also maybe possibly had a twinge of a crush on you since you were such good friends ? & that makes more Sense, less space for “random sense-less rage & hxtred” ya know?) ok ok girls in college ? i’m pretty good on that one for some reason. why ???? those were the mean-est & most aggressive & most verbal…….. ouch. ouch. ouch. that hurts to open that closed box in my heart. “oh well” i want to say dismissively…. poor me, poor girls ! ouch. ok one at a time. just pick one. aw ouch. ouch, that really hurts to even try to get any details out of my poor memory….. ouch. ok…. i can do this: the girl with curls, let’s just say. ok “she is a bxtch” – but actually i know she can be a good friend (or i think, because she had a few Good Friends that were very sister-ly that looked fun & loving & good) & she is very smart aww i feel moved remembering how driven & ambitious she is ! wow ! that feels good… um, so somehow i’m not really very “Jealous” of her, which is weird because i thought that was “what this was about”……. i like her : ) aww & i feel sad she didn’t want to Be Friends – but maybe she did ! & maybe *I* was giving off some scaredy-cat signals that made *her* feel weird. ok i can dig that. i feel bad about that too though. “you should” don’t be mean to me lol…. hm.



  477.  #478bloom-ing on August 31, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    i feel curious about this & suddenly very peaceful. thank you.

    i’m trying to touch all my tied-together Truths……….

    other women are frightening & possibly villainous

    i’m not strong enough to stop them

    i need to prove to other women that i am valuable

    my man is my primary way to establish “dominance”

    i feel so much shame writing those things…. i feel frightened of the violence buried in all those beliefs…. & i feel open to shifting my perspective to something that i can consciously Get Behind instead of this mucky thing i’ve allowed myself to “fall into”



  478.  #479Sassy on August 31, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    Thank you, Dominique. I’ll catch up to those feelings and beliefs eventually.



  479.  #480Mel on August 31, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    Awww, so cute! Mr. A suggested a movie…”What do you think about X?” Then he paused for half a second and said (not at all sarcastically, just naturally) “I mean… does that feel like a good movie to you?”

    Love it!



  480.  #481Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    Communicating with a man only works if HE can “catch” (great word courtesy of Todd Creager) your feelings. If he WANTS to catch your feelings.

    Most of the time, in most BAD and DONE relationships, a man only wants to relieve his own guilt and bad feelings. He wants to turn you into a “friend” – or get “closure” on things so he can wash his hands and move on.

    DON’T FALL FOR IT!

    So, then, how do you use Feeling Messages in a situation where a relationship is “over” but he tries to see you anyway – to be “friendly”?

    It’s been so long since I wrote my ebook – I realized, after reading your wonderful posts and letters, that I wanted to make Feeling Messages very, very clear.

    A Feeling Message is not an attempt to make something happen.

    It’s not about GETTING something from a man, or getting something clear, or getting any kind of result – even getting stuff off your chest so you can “feel better” (and we all know that NEVER happens – we only feel worse).

    A Feeling Message is about SHARING.

    It’s about SHARING your FEELING STATE.

    It’s about sharing where you are, how you are in a being sense.

    It’s not about your mindset, or what you think, or what you feel about who he is and what’s going on, it’s not about an opinion, and it’s not about spewing your stored up feelings all over him to release the tension and anxiety and try to “shake” things up.

    A Feeling Message is simply YOU…BEING. And then speaking how you are being – out loud.

    You are saying, out loud, the state of your…just Being. And the LANGUAGE of that state of “just being” is in Feeling words.

    Even if you feel agitated, uncomfortable, miserable, sad, – even if what you feel is terror or rage – it’s STILL simply a state of Being, a state of feeling. Your Feeling State.

    And it’s this simple Sharing that HONORS him, honors the relationship, whatever it is, and totally honors YOURSELF.

    It says to any person present that you are STRONG – because you are ABLE to FEEL your state of being – instead of trying desperately to improve it one way or another by trying to make something happen.

    That means: I feel bad is a Feeling State. I feel hurt is a confusing word, and I recommend you don’t use it, because it almost says “you hurt me” (hurt is a verb, an action word, as well as a state of feeling, and we women tend to use hurt often – and when we do – we don’t mean I’m feeling hurting, we mean You hurt me, more often than not). Try I feel painful, instead. Or I feel hurting.

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/communication/page/10/



  481.  #482Mel on August 31, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    Blooming,

    I can SO relate to those feelings around other women. I don’t have very many female friends. The ones that I do have are all quite a bit older than me (some even my mom’s age). I have a lot of guy friends though.

    I just don’t feel “liked” by girls. I crave female friendship. Sometimes I feel so lonely and sad about this. I never seem to quite fit-in with women-folk. I want this. I want to be invited to “girls’ nights” and go shopping and paint fingernails. (((women-folk)))



  482.  #483Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    Here’s my answer:

    Linda, the question to ask yourself is – if you would not marry him before because you felt he was unstable, why are you still with him? And instead of asking me what he’s thinking with his bouncing back and forth between him leaving/you leaving – the Rori Raye way to do this would be to talk to HIM.

    That means sharing with him, “I don’t know what to say when you talk about leaving…It makes me feel unsettled. I really want a close, intimate, trusting relationship, I want to feel like I can say anything, that we could talk through anything…”

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/communication/page/11/



  483.  #484Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    The absolute best thing you can do is AGREE with him! And I’m not asking you to fake this – I’m asking you to look this in the eye, look at the truth of this, and say – Yes, you’re so right, if you don’t feel this way, even though I feel a lot for you, it can’t be right, right now. And if you should change your mind…I will see how I feel then…

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/breakup-divorce/dont-throw-yourself-at-his-feet/#more-1507



  484.  #485Dominique on August 31, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    Siren Angel – 463 – This is how he’s hooking you in, with confusion. It’s not conscious or deliberate, and I totally agree with bloom-ing that he’s really in an impossible situation.

    I go back to that he’s not in a place to be dating let alone thinking about exclusivity with anyone. He needs to sort his stuff out as well do some healing of this own, if he’s up for it.

    I do say a man heals best through a woman’s heart, BUT he’s not there right now.

    xxoo



  485.  #486Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    I look at this in just the opposite way. To me, if you are that invested in a man, then there’s “stuff” going on in the relationship — and not just about “him” — that no one’s talking about. And the secret of getting reconnected to a man is all about unearthing that stuff that no one’s talking about — WITHOUT leaning forward, trying to get conversations started, and generally pushing him further away — but doing it in a “feminine,” feeling, open way that is an irresistible invitation. Even to a man in a deep funk.

    This is an art. This is the art we are all working on — the art of being strong on the inside and soft on the outside. About having boundaries on the inside and openness on the outside. This is the art of being able to step away from the man, and yet open your heart to the man. This is the art of being able to FACILITATE a healing.

    To facilitate a healing, to re-create trust and openness, to make it okay to be exactly who you are in a relationship — even if you’re in the middle of a Dark Night of the Soul — that’s something WE can DO!

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/breakup-divorce/page/4/



  486.  #487bloom-ing on August 31, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    ok, i can really see that.

    like, the main “reason” i felt accepted by women was by “showing” that i can get a really high-quality man.

    that’s some effed up stuff, human! i know, i know… but it just “happened” & i learned a weird “lesson” from it that doesn’t feel helpful anymore. thanks for talking to me about it & working with me…

    is this “all about” my mom as well ? aww sad i feel so sad thinking about my mom wanting me to be social & socially accepted & i just am a little to “weird”

    belief that i am weird ? idk how i feel about that. it’s ok. i’m just as weird as the next person. idk why other people say i’m weird. i wouldn’t tell someone that but people seem to say it to me a lot. that’s ok. i feel ok about that. do i though ???



  487.  #488bloom-ing on August 31, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    mel, i feel so reassured to hear that !! thank you for sharing



  488.  #489Rebecca on August 31, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    I feel really bad tonight. I had a phone conversation with a neighbour friend of mine who I definately DON’T fancy – and he really annoyed me because everytime I tell him about something that I’ve done – he says he wants to do it to – and he’ll come to the NEXT one. I just feel really annoyed – like he’s PUSHING himself INTO my space with no care how I feel about it. I actually feel so ANGRY I don’t won’t to SPEAK to him at all! …. Grrrr



  489.  #490April Rose on August 31, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    Wishing a joyous and magical Blue Moon to you lovely sirens.

    Hugs from me.

    I have escaped.
    It was too easy!!!

    I’ll find intrigue inside myself for a change!….



  490.  #491Rebecca on August 31, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    Gosh, i always get into these situations – I feel so angry with myself – i’ve been far too nice to him. I know he’s going to turn up and be a burdon on me… Pffft….



  491.  #492bloom-ing on August 31, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    i’m giving myself permission to release the idea of a “hierarchy” among humans & among women in particular. that feels very freeing – all crowned goddesses, bowing to each other – thank you



  492.  #493bloom-ing on August 31, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    i give myself permission to enjoy watching my man among other people, without anticipating how the “other people” might perceive *me* – that is, i intend to take full responsibility for my personal social identity



  493.  #494Dominique on August 31, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    bloom-ing – I am SO weird, and I LOVE my weirdness. Weirdness feel special. Yes it can feel lonely sometimes, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything different. It’s one of the reasons K loves me so much, because I’m weird.

    And my weirdness includes insecurities and idiosyncrasies which we all have, which are uniquely ours. These things endear us to good men, men whose weirdness meshes nicely with ours.

    Love on your weird. I love your weird.

    (suddenly that word looks very weird to me. lol) 🙂

    xxoo



  494.  #495Rebecca on August 31, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    I feel like a b/tch but I don’t want to baby sit him… Awww – I don’t like myself when I feel like this. I feel like a bad friend and horroble person… He’s so clingy to me when we’re out and I can’t handle it – i’m not his girlfriend….



  495.  #496bloom-ing on August 31, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    i intend to STOP. “measuring” myself – particularly when it becomes a question of “am i ok ? am i enough ? am i in control ? am i an outsider ? ”

    this feels thick for me.

    i intend to allow myself in all my weird, gangly ways.

    i intend to expand fully.

    i intend to release judgments about “how” that looks or if i’m doing it “right”



  496.  #497bloom-ing on August 31, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    awww (((Dominique))) i’m going to start telling myself when i hear “you’re so weird” switch it to “you’re so special” lol awwww i feel all cuddly with my little girl to think that way : ))



  497.  #498bloom-ing on August 31, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    i intend to focus on connecting with women in a way where i assume trust. that feels interesting. thanks.

    i feel mistrustful.

    points that contradict your fears: one time, baby girl (my bff) called me up to tell me my casual dating partner had put the moves on her : ) & she didn’t let him, but she told me ! ((((((((((((homegirl))))))))))))

    i feel very very petrified scared that my baby cousin is going to fall in love with cd because he is “her type” & of course i think she’s THE BEST & amazing because she is… & i don’t want to feel scared or jealous of her. thank you.



  498.  #499Dominique on August 31, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    Bloom-ing – 🙂 <3

    xxoo



  499.  #500P-lala on August 31, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    Bloom-ing – I am loving your thoughts with regard to rejecting society’s concept of a heirarchy of humans. I’m on board with you.

    I feel free to own my own identity and to love K for the man I see, not who others might judge him to be. <3



  500.  #501Siren Angel on August 31, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    Tam, I feel curious… Did the man with the kids ever try to come back?



  501.  #502Smile on August 31, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    Can to feel an urge to say something…or is this a thought?



  502.  #503Rebecca on August 31, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    Mmm…

    Must remember ‘don’t take it perrrsssooonnaallly’

    That is gonna be my moto from now on…

    I take everything toooo personally..



  503.  #504Siren Angel on August 31, 2012 at 2:45 pm

    FW, thank you for posting that letter and answer, it hits close to home. Reading on my phone right now.

    Bloom-Ing,

    I love the thought process you are expressing here. I feel the same way about women I sense can bully me. I was bullied a lot as a child, I was weird, with glasses and all.



  504.  #505Femininewoman on August 31, 2012 at 2:45 pm

    I just passed a couple out to dinner. The girl is intent on her phone while the guy lookson. Turned off and bored



  505.  #506bloom-ing on August 31, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    & now i do want to address my idea that makeup is a fearful weapon LOL…..

    well, it certainly is tied up in Capitalism & concepts of Hierarchy & even Oppression of Women for me….

    & women have used makeup for a long time… but actually i just read some history & am feeling more resistant than ever.

    but i was raised in this culture. & i DO find it “attractive”….

    & i Don’t Want my man thinking other ladies look more lovely than i do….

    & i Don’t Want to take any action “in order to” Attract my man.

    hm

    i also do not believe or feel that wearing makeup makes *Me* specifically more attractive. in fact, i feel “frumpy” without makeup, but i feel “clownish” with makeup. hm. i notice that i have Accepted a self-view in which i’m Not Physically Attractive. i feel a bit sad to notice that. & i feel panicky thinking of all the many millions of women who i DO feel are “attractive” & i don’t want to perceive that abundance as an indication of Scarcity in My Life…



  506.  #507bloom-ing on August 31, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    thanks, p-lala & siren angel : ) i’m feeling a little wobbly trying to get my bearings around these issues….



  507.  #508Daria on August 31, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    the main “reason” i felt accepted by women was by “showing” that i can get a really high-quality man

    Oh wow me 2

    I want a really cool boyfriend – a bunch of them – to show off to my sis

    And my other girls and I always set up ways to meet men

    Hmm

    I feel ashamed and also thrilled and I want to get this more

    Thanks for writing about this blooming



  508.  #509bloom-ing on August 31, 2012 at 3:16 pm

    that is,

    i’m a love-ly gigantic queen. i’m infinitely large & all “things” are a part of me. all beauty is mine. all love is mine. thank you.

    no one takes from me, all give to me. everyone is just as big, but only when i’m not me, so i have to Practice Listening & tuning in to the other person’s Big-ness, so that i can properly bow to them & give them space for their holiness.

    i think maybe when the other person feels “got” as a holy person, maybe they will not “want to hurt me”

    & if they do “want to hurt me” – that’s ok. i can’t be hurt by others. no defense is needed. i’m invulnerable because i’m infinite. also simultaneously because i’m zero. thanks, that feels good to know about & go between.

    maybe when i start feeling “zero” & it feels bad, i can just go back to my Big Temple self & that will re-ground me & bring me peace again, from which to love & go zero in a compassionate way again.

    ok so let me practice.

    i’m feeling Queenly in my home. a girl comes in, i bow to her & let her get very big & appreciate it – wow, how amazing, thank you for sharing, i feel moved to meet a goddess like you, how special & beautiful you are – now maybe i start getting the “i’m zero” vibe (because that’s where i was, at zero), so i go directly adjacent to the “infinity” vibe which is easy because it looks like mirroring my worship & turning it on myself – wow, i feel amazing, i feel open & vulnerable & powerful, i’m so unique & my gifts are so valuable – & then i’m a big goddess no one can hurt again – but maybe i feel Unseen by the other goddess & maybe even by my Man, who i want to be my most faithful worshiper & never waver in his devotions…….. & then ok, i suppose that i would walk away from that situation. i suppose i might go to bless him instead. with something special like a hand on his back or a kiss on his cheek or a sweet word. & i do actually see that i have the choice to also Bless her ….. with myself. & that feels good too. the blessing, though…. could feel like a “Curse” if i’m in the infinite Dark rather than the infinite Light… i can feel that…. ok, so i need to practice what all my Darks & Lights & Zeroes & Infinities feel like & then i can practice making choices about where i am before i interact. thank you. i feel inspired.



  509.  #510bloom-ing on August 31, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    i feel intensely guilty & ashamed when a man with a woman looks at me. i feel Worse, like i did this, if i’m “dolled” & pretty looking. i feel sad that my “pretty” feels like a choice i make & not like a permanent state.

    i notice i feel bad & guilty to be noticed or hit-on also. like it is close to “being unfaithful”

    & i think i’ve maybe struggled in the past to really respect the boundaries of my relationship on My Side of it…. like, i think i did things i wouldn’t do again, even if i never ever physically “cheated” or even considered it.



  510.  #511Daria on August 31, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    If I had a real fly man treating me well every woman would stare at me judging and I could cross my arms and ignore the bitcghes like I do when i was out with my fly ass brothers

    And some women would be like damn d u got all the guys and I’d feel fly and powerful and like I’m finally important/see /respected enough. Like I made it.

    And I did have some extremely fly boyfriends one in particular and my sister was like wow in a way cuz he was the flyest n he was sorta her cousin thru marriage

    Well i perceived it as wow

    Also wen. A fly new guy liked me some of my exes seemed jealous and I felt like I was ‘stepping up in the world’ in status

    This feels so thrilling for me

    This is what I. Crave. And shame myself for

    I fear it’s low self esteem

    I dont ‘see it’ or ‘get it’

    Why must I associate w cool people to be cool

    I feel like I’m a ‘nobody bitcgh’ without that

    Just a loner loser, even tho maybe charismatic and interesting for a second

    Not someone people want to make sure is at their party – that’s who I wanna be

    I want fly people to think I’m fly and want to hang out w me all the time

    Flashbacks of elementary middle school

    Solo left out feeling

    Waiting ‘for my chance ‘ to be seen and recognized by the cool people. They were cool cuz I thought so and ‘everyone knew’ they were popular and they wore cool clothes

    And they were smooth

    Now I’m smooth but I feel like a used up war veteran image

    Homeless

    Loner

    Head shake

    I want the fuchkin. Cool boyfriends.

    I got a couple now but they not treating me as well as I want for show off purposes

    I must get what no one has ever got or seen in the hood, a
    whole paradigm shift in how to treat a woman

    That’s what I’m used to only fly girl w my brothers paradigm shift super stunner what who is that co fusion

    That’s your Sister????!!!!

    Yup this the first lady of the ‘us’ says my brother

    These strangers staring they don’t dare comment

    I’m stone cold and uncomfortable and not looking at them I’m too fly I’m a Qyeen

    It didn’t feel good tho so shy do I want it?

    Feels thrilling?

    I feel honored and powerful tho

    I feel stronger bond to my group

    Everyone who’s fly knows what I’m talking about the secret language why I wanna be fly

    They know I want it and they do too

    Do we all have the same disease? Addiction?

    Where is the treasure?

    I wonder what the treasure is in this?



  511.  #512bloom-ing on August 31, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    & i feel angry to remember times where i felt other women were trying to flirt with my man…….

    & i’d like to point out to myself that different people have different sets of expectations & skills in social situations, so it’s very easy to misunderstand someone’s intentions.

    i don’t want to feel threatened by other women, & i can make that choice.

    i’d also like to remind myself that i interact with men all the time & it could seem “flirtatious” to someone, but i have never ever once felt the tiniest temptation toward another man.

    & i do want to be “the prettiest” to my man….. lol…. i’m imagining my ex saying “you’re not only the prettiest girl i’ve ever met, you’re the prettiest girl i can imagine” lol ……. well goodness i hope that wasn’t true………. but there’s something nice in being told that.

    cd would never be so hyperbolic with his words…. but he does say “you fill my eye completely” i’m going to tell myself that when i feel scared.

    & btw, little girl, if you think any of those women in the past “won” – if you think they “got something” out of “being mean” to you – what ? what are you picturing them walking away with ? what trophy are you imagining them dusting off the mantle for & stepping back proudly to admire ? nothing. sour memories & resentment. i bet some of those girls would apologize to you. i bet some of them talk to their therapists about you. ouch. & i’d feel the same way if i tried to “get an upper hand” with a woman, so i’m not even going there. i’m erasing the idea that one person could ever be “above” someone else. neat. thanks. i like it. tired smile-y face lol



  512.  #513Daria on August 31, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    I feel less intensity about thislike writing it down has made me feel more honored and seen alreahmm

    I’m having a challe te getting as triggers about ut as before

    I still do want a fly. An

    I don’t want my sis to be able to put down my man

    I want him to ne like, oh he likes D so she Must have something about her

    I feel sad

    I want to feel like I got something about me…

    Period

    That would feel good

    I wonder if I could choose that

    I give myself permission to

    I choose to feel like I got something about me to my sis and other women

    That will make them wanna fight you remember?

    Oh yes se might be getting somewhere now

    Fight me bitcghes I’ll kill u

    I might look like nothing to you but I’m a whole new paradigm

    I’m not from this hood I’m not even from this country bitcgh I’ll mangle u

    And I can do that and then everyone will give me props and say I’m AMA ing and I’ll feel soooo good about myself and almost teart and absolute joy

    What is under this violence?

    I want to be seen and loved and celebrated by the grou And feel secure that I’ll continue to ne treated well

    I used to use violence to enforce that but maybe I don’t have to

    Lots of Nvs now

    I don’t know how to create that

    I’m glad I had violence and was a good fighter

    I would a had no self esteem maybe otherwise or know how to understand the motivation behind violence

    Just craving a whole lot of public, verbal affirmation

    Aha

    Aaand I still want to be invited to parties

    Like why don’t my brothers wake up like hey, a new day, we Have To have D here shes so fun

    This afgiation stuff is from my parents I see that

    Ok so my brothers Do wake up Nd say that about each other
    And invite each other

    I broke a lot of girl barriers w them

    But this one w The invites never fully panned out and I feel so starved for it
    Desperate

    I deserve it!

    Why do I want to ne included ?

    I want to feel as an honored part of the team

    Someone irreplaceable, a blessing, someone Amazing

    But someone amazing Would get invited, called, get picked up.

    🙁

    Blame myself

    Still not good enough

    How do I heal this?

    I intend to heal this

    There treasure remember

    I still don’t see it

    🙁



  513.  #514Daria on August 31, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    “you’re not only the prettiest girl i’ve ever met, you’re the prettiest girl i can imagine
    I like this I want my man to thi k this about me
    I get butthurt if he doesn’t cuz I think that about me hmmm



  514.  #515Annie on August 31, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this Dominique. And thank you sharing the connected threads feminine woman.

    441: Siren says:

    About his ex-wife, she did not cheat on him. But he had nor more attraction for her, because he said she was a screaming Biatch% from the beginning of marriage and that it traumatised him. He ended up cheating on her the last few months of their marriage to end it (he says) and because he needed sex but did not want it from her. He has said she was always coming to him, and he would withdraw.

    Siren I remember Rori saying to me to get my energy away from and man who called any woman a Bitch.



  515.  #516Annie on August 31, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    515: AnnieNo Gravatar says:
    Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts on