Outgirl Him And Get The Love You Want

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Here’s a comment from Linda about Leaning Back that I wanted to turn into a follow-up post:

“Thank you Rori, This is just good stuff. I have always leaned forward. I can’t wait to try this (Leaning Back). My boyfriend always always leans back. so if we both lean back…Can that work.. ? I look back in my life.. and I can tell you…with every relationship I had… who leaned back and who leaned forward. I was always more attracted to the ones who leaned back.”

Here’s my answer:

This is a great question – what happens when you LeanBack and HE LeansBack, too?

This is where you have to “Outgirl” him (go to the “glossary of Rori Raye Terms” page of the blog – it’ll explain).

You have to stay Leaning Back until you discover one of two things:

1. He leans forward, steps up and acts like a man most of the time, and the Energy Exchange has been successfully shifted, or…

2. He can’t. He’s incapable of acting like a man most of the time. He’s a Feminine Energy man and will always be.

If this is what happens, you have to make a decision whether to keep him or not.

In my experience with my clients, when it becomes clear that a man is incapable of stepping up – you will, if you’re honest with yourself, find yourself turned off. You’ll find yourself bored with him.

You will have reclaimed enough of your energy, shifted enough of your focus from him to yourself, and opened enough of your options to basically lose interest in him.

At that point, you let him go without pain. In fact – it feels good!

Try looking at everything from this perspective…He has to live up to YOUR wonderful life standards.  He has to enhance your life – or you lose interest.

This is a waaaayyy better place to look at him and the relationship than thinking of him as your sole source of happiness.

He’s not your sole source of happiness.

You are.

When you really get – in your mind, heart, body and spirit – that you can have the happiness you want, and that there are many, many, many men out there who’d LOVE to join you and help make YOU happy, everything will turn around for you.

You don’t have to work so hard, and want so much from a man who doesn’t know how to give it.

Try Leaning Back and staying there until one of these two results starts to get clear for you.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Reshi on September 23, 2008 at 12:12 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I’m trying to outgirl my husband right now (over the past couple days or so) and it’s really, really hard! (Background information: I’ve been the man in our relationship ever since the wedding day. It is NOT working for us and we are considering divorce. Most days are full of tension and awfulness for me–but then there are wonderful days where he does act kind and masculine–and those are just as stressful to me as the awful days because I worry it won’t last.) Every time I see him leaning back, I get ANGRY that he’s in the feminine, and I don’t know what to do. I end up wanting to lean back farther than him but sometimes I can’t do it (he’ll often lie right down on the floor in the middle of a conversation). Then I get angry and I want to end the conversation and I want to SHOW him that what he’s doing is not OK. But this seems like it’s Leaning Forward, and then I don’t want to do it, and I end up in this horrible death spiral of fear in my head.

    It’s also hard to not speak first. Sometimes he’ll come home and spend 15 minutes puttering around the house, doing dishes, etc, and won’t even speak to me. When I expressed last night that I was hoping he would greet me, he complained that I don’t ever greet him, so why should he greet me?

    In all, it doesn’t feel like I’m Leaning Back or Outgirling. It still feels like I’m in my masculine, trying to control things, and trying to fight. There have been times I’ve expressed feeling messages and seen him step up like a man, so I don’t think he’s completely hopeless, but it is so frustrating. I must be doing it wrong. Can you help?

  2.  #2Rori Raye on September 23, 2008 at 3:25 pm

    Whoa – This is so great – there’s so much to work with here – thank you for the details, it really helps. I’ll just give some short tweaks here to what you describe, and then I’ll write more in new posts:

    1. If he lies down on the floor, lie down next to him! Get close enough for your shoulders to be touching, and keep the conversation going while you both look up at the ceiling.(Don’t throw your body over his or try to get close or kiss him, or start anything. Just lie there, stay in touch with your surroundings, and follow the good feelings you’re having along with the angry ones.)

    2. If he’s not coming up to greet you, it’s because you’re WAITING for him. You need something interesting to do – in a different part of the house, or even better – in the kitchen, where you can be visable, he can feel your energy, smell you, and where you are doing something FUN! Smile!!

    This is all about YOU having fun in YOUR life, and it just spilling over into the space you share.

    Yes, you are still trying to control things, and getting angry because you can’t. Imagine doing these “tweaks” and then experiment. Let me know what happens, Love, Rori

  3.  #3Linda on October 4, 2008 at 3:11 pm

    Dear Rori,
    I have not seen this post till today.
    I dont know how I missed it.. as I read everything from you..
    I am having the biggest “AHH” feeling right now. This issue, runs in our total relationship…and its the very source of my fustration… and further more.. when I lean back… and hold strong.. and nothing happens..
    for a long long time… I get angry.. I dont say anything.. but I want to leave.. He acts shocked… and holds me and says…lets count to 10 backwards together…. I inturn am glad he wont let me go.. and I am glad he is holding me.. and calming me down.. and then I stay… and we are better.. but I never understood what was going on before. I do say to him…. it feels like I am the only one in the relationship that has all the feelings; Its scares me..it makes me feel like leaving. He said its not so.. he loves me.. and wants me with him… and he will be better.
    Its so wonderful to now understand what is going on.. I feel I also have to understand this man.. probably will always be this way.
    Thank You Lori.

  4.  #4Rori Raye on October 4, 2008 at 5:09 pm

    Linda, you’re doing fantastic! Just keep doing what you’re doing, and you’ll see some results. And after awhile, if he doesn’t step up – you might just get bored….you won’t be afraid or angry – just bored… Love, Rori

  5.  #5Linda on October 6, 2008 at 9:52 am

    Rori, what I dont understand… in order for this man to attract me in the first place.
    He was not leaning back…. he called me all the time.. from the day I met him..
    He showed me that he was consistance. He showed me he was serious about me. He made all the dates we had.. he did not come on to me sexually before I was ready. Which I loved..he let me decide.. when.. and he still does that…. 4 years later. He praised my cooking and he praised me for everything I did.
    He said he loved EVERYTHING I did.He loved everything about me. He claimed
    I centered him.. and I made him feel like a human being… It was my idea , to him
    we are more together than we are seperately.
    and I want us to build together what we cant do apart.. He loved that.. so we did that. .. of course it was all to his benifit. He lead me to beleive that we would be married..
    The times I would be angry.. was due to feeling
    I did so much more for our relationship… than
    he did.. He took and I gave.. and he was so happy..secure . and so was I not as secure and happy cause when I noticed that he was not giving any thing but compliments !
    when the perfect times came for
    him to give back.. he did not. and then I would
    explode !!! Now he says, I have a bad temper.
    and he cant handle that any more.. I tell him
    he drives me to the brink… with anger and fear
    that there is nothing but manipulation in this man.. thats why the first program I received was the toxic.. man one… and he showed to be just clueless. Is there any other women who
    have this type of man in their lives..?
    I feel I am the only one.. and I am so in love with him… meaning.. I love the way he makes me feel when I am with him…1. full of energy
    2. strong- like I can move mountains 3. wise
    cause he tells me that.. all the time. 4. beautiful. 5. sexy
    am I being manipulated.. or loved.?

    ok.. so whats wrong with me… ? I am waiting for the next program I ordered. re connect


  6.  #6Rori Raye on October 6, 2008 at 12:38 pm

    Linda – You’re doing great with NOTICING what’s going on. Work with this: Your “bad temper” and the anger is not working for you – so STOP Overfunctioning (look for my posts on this, and Chapter 19 in my Have The Relationship You Want ebook).

    Use the Toxic Men program to make Power Speeches instead. Really watch or listen to how the women in Toxic Men do it, how I work with them, and just do it along with them. That will take away the whole “bad temper” thing.

    Basically, he doesn’t know what to do. And you’re not guiding him in any way he can understand. You’re sort of doing things, reaching out, putting out effort, and then resenting when you don’t get anything back. You have to reverse this.

    Stop Overfunctioning. Stop effort, and focus on making YOURSELF happy. Be happy when you’re around him. Sing, dance, do what you like to do. Smile becasue you really ARE happy with yourself. He’ll join in. Then you can start letting him know what would feel great – appreciate big time his complements, and use those moments to say what would REALLY make you feel good.

    Talk about these things in a casual way – with Feeling Messages – you’ll have to practice – and I know you can turn this around. Love, Rori

  7.  #7Marplot on October 11, 2008 at 10:54 pm

    Its funny that you say that your man lies down on the floor. My crush does it too! He usually will lean against something like a couch and become all floopy.

    I have a hard time finding something to do that’s fun and interesting because I miss him and I feel like I need cuddles. I notice when I swear not to visit him is when I feel like seeing him the most.

    I guess I should just focus on self improvement more instead of going over to see him. I feel like I’m a mess and that I really need to fix myself up.

  8.  #8Rori Raye on October 12, 2008 at 11:02 am

    Yes, Marplot – Focus on YOU – and on finding a true PASSION in your life that has nothing to do with a man – instead of going over to see him – and soon, you’ll have wonderful men (perhaps even THIS man, it happens all the time) all over you. Love, Rori

  9.  #9Samantha on November 28, 2008 at 9:46 am

    I have been seeing this guy whom at the beginning was so completely amazing, we knew each other from highschool and then years later we met back up again- He went to the Army, and I to college, just last year around Christmas time we had started talking etc- he came home for Christmas we got together and immediately started into something – before he had to fly back to Base, he asked me to be in a relationship with him – For 6 months it was the best time of my life- I felt like I was a Princess! He treated me so well, opened doors for me, put on my coat for me, took me to dinner, wrote me letter, send emails everyday +pictures! The compliments etc – I never felt more appreciated and loved.
    He left the Military, and moved back home, him and I got a place together and since then its never really been the same – things arent on “fire” how they used to be. At the moment we are in a “fight” and like usual our fights have been mostly the same each time- He distants himself from me, ignors me, pretends to be having a good time with friends, (while I go nuts and feel left out) he will not want to talk etc…
    This time our fight has been a little different – it still has those initial actions (ignoring me etc) but now seeing as I have not been follwing him around or asking questions, or being annoying (basically) and Ive started doing my own thing, he has kinda been coming around, but hes playing like bugging me, and joking around with me (its a little weird- as if hes trying to make up but might be scared to? I dont know!) I know that in the past our fights or arguments have been the same, where I chase after him, call him, write letters to him, or do things for him, and just “try”. But now I’m trying to do as Rori rescribes to do – Just STOP! But I have been trying that, and there hasent been any real change- like he hasent even tried anything with me- I just feel hopless- I want to do my best to get back what he had- I just feel like he wants to be the girl in a lot of situations, yes he is definitly VERY masculine in a lot of things, but when it comes to asking me how my day was, or initiating conversations he doesnt yet do those type of things- Please Help!

  10.  #10Rori Raye on December 1, 2008 at 4:02 pm

    Samantha, Welcome to this blog – and – BUT he HAS changed! Can you see how him coming toward you when you pulled back happened? The trick now is – how WARM can you be when he shows up? There’s absolutely no reason, no excuse for a “fight.” There are many other ways to communicate. Start with the eBook if you don’t have it, and the Tools here and in my eLetters, and the incredible women in this community will help you from there. Good luck! Love, Rori

  11.  #11FEMENERGYLOVE on May 15, 2009 at 3:53 am

    i feel icky,sad,so deeply deeply sad,went on a lovely weekend with friends and my boyfriend.there was a lovely blonde girl with us that was making subtle hints at him.g felt so triggered i COMPLETELY shut down.i just could not handle it!weekend is over.things are still weird,i’m trying to lean back and not worry about him and what he’s thinking.ITS BLOODY HARD!feel really icky that i’m messing things up.its better to back off when i feel like this right?HELP ME!

  12.  #12Rori Raye on May 15, 2009 at 2:13 pm

    Dear Femenergylove, I know how hard it is to deal with this – I’m assuming he did nothing wrong, she was the one making moves? The challenge of staying open and warm in a situation like this is huge – but imagine what the wives of Chris Daughtry and now Kris Allen on this season’s American Idol go through…one minute they’re just small town folks, and now these women must feel like they’re competing with every woman in the world – screaming and trying to get at their men. It’s crucial to build your confidence and self-esteem so you can stay open and loving and warm and receptive through this. Imagine Demi Moore and Gwynneth Paltrow. You just have to give up that piece of control and trust yourself. Use the Tools to stay with yourself and feel good no matter WHAT is going on. And DON’T leave the playing field and give it up to the other women – you have to stay present, stay yourself – stay the woman he can trust, the woman he wants, the woman he knows loves him for who he is…you have to get bigger inside. I know you can do this…Love, Rori

  13.  #13Amy on April 7, 2010 at 7:43 pm

    Rori- and bloggers! HI! It’s me Amy again. Things has not gone well at all. After reading the blog, “out Girl him” I sort of understand now. I have Not been out Girling him because I never thought about the possiblity that was naturely how he is. I am 100% gily girl and we focus to act like a guy- it makes me mad and upset; and that is when i yell, scream, cruse and etc. today he told me over Skype- that I am abusive to him and I treat everyone else nice but him. And my mouth is what makes him not want to be w/ me. He goes on to say I am aweak-woman, and have nothing better to do w/ my time but worrying about HIM- he wants out. What do you make of this. all the leaning ack I have been doing as been in vain- but when I lean back- he leans back. (We are military sowe are in a long Distant marriage right now) As an example if I am online and he comes online he will not speak to me speak unless I send him a message first. And when I lean back and just DO nothing- later when I ask why did n’t talk to me- He say becasue you didn’t say anything! The is insane!!! What should I do now!!!! BTW you should split your Tool-kit and ETC into two. Instead of combing the single stuff & the marraige stuff together-it will be a lot better and easier to learn it one if they two were divided. Great stuff just a lot to take in!!!

  14.  #14DNice on September 23, 2012 at 11:53 am

    Hi Rori, I just really started reading your blog and I subscribe to your newsletters. I read on one of your letters about leaning back. Ok, here is my situation: My guy friend and I have been really good friends for over 17 years. We would lose touch with each other becuase I got married and he was in a relationship with someone else, but we would always find our way back to each other. Well recently, my divorce becamse final and the lady that he was with passed away two years ago so now we are both free. We were always attracted to each other from the start but both suppressed those feelings until recently we told each other how we have been feeling all of these years. For a while we had been talking to each other on the phone almost everyday and then all of a sudden he stopped calling so much and then i would call him and get voicemail and that would go on until he decides to call me. I saw him three days ago and he was so into me, he said I was trying to make him fall in love and now he hasn’t called since. I am trying to lean back and not call him but it is really getting to me. I want to call him sooooo bad. What do you think is going on here? I look forward to your response.