Overcoming Betrayal – TOGETHER

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love adviceHere’s a great Guest Post from the great Orna and Matthew Walters:

We know we caused a big commotion a few months back when we commented that in our opinion a man who cheats will do so again…with that same woman.

We’d like to set the record straight about that, and about all breaches of trust.

A man who cheats on a woman is unlikely to be faithful to that woman forever.

The reason for this is that there is something unfulfilling at the core of this relationship and the cheating is/was a symptom of that core mismatch.

We don’t think the situation is hopeless, however we do believe that dramatic changes need to happen in order for the relationship to survive.

This is not something that can change quickly or without effort. There’s a shift that must take place for BOTH parties to rectify and move on – TOGETHER.

If you find that you are married to a man who cheated, and he is begging your forgiveness and wants to stay…here are some parameters for you:

1. Do not rush to forgiveness.

Our emotions are so very important and they must be expressed in order to truly value ourselves.

Often times, we do not want conflict, and so it common to rush into forgiveness.

When we rush to forgiveness we devalue ourselves and our feelings.

We are saying to our partner that we are willing to deny our feelings in order to keep this relationship alive.

That is a recipe for anger and resentment.

First , FEEL everything you are feeling.

Express how you feel with “I” statements.

Utilize all of the tools here on the blog that work with expressing your emotions authentically.

It will be easy to stumble in blaming language, especially when you are angry and hurt.

Your job is to express how you are feeling and to take responsibility for those feelings.

2. Take some space.

Ask him to stay at a hotel for X amount of time.

This is really okay.

You need space to feel your grief, anger, betrayal, etc and having him around the house is just going to make it worse.

You may be worried about losing him if you do this.

Just know that if he wants to save the relationship then he will be willing to honor this request.

If he isn’t willing to abide by your wishes then he probably isn’t worth keeping around.

To be honest, if you’re going to “lose” him, he’ll go regardless of your requests and your actions.

3. Honor how you feel.

Feel the pain of it and nurture yourself at the same time.

This may seem like a contradiction, however it is not.

Take good care of yourself by doing things that allow you to feel whatever you are feeling in the moment.

Take walks, hikes, bike rides, bubble baths… just be with yourself and allow those feeling to flow through you.

It may feel overwhelming at times, but you are capable of handling much more than you know.

When you try to avoid your feelings and keep things under control then you are going to have trouble moving on from this event.

If you want to save the relationship, or if you want to be able to move on to another relationship, then you have to process your feelings around this event.

The goal is to move THROUGH your emotions not gloss over them.

4. Start practicing forgiveness.

Once you feel you have a handle on the grief, now start looking at forgiving him.

Start having some conversations with him and express how you are feeling in the moment (not about what was, but what is right now).

If he wants to make a go of it and you agree to do that (here is the very important part) – Really forgive him and move on.

To be in forgiveness means that it’s behind you. Open your heart to your man, and see him for who he is, and how you feel when you spend time together.

Trust is not on a dimmer switch. Either we trust someone, or we do not.

So if you’re going to go for it, jump in with both feet and TRUST!

If worry is something that comes up for you and it is making you anxious, work with a professional to get support for yourself.

It is important to have an outlet to discuss your worry (and let’s be honest, if this is where you are getting stuck this pattern of worry has been holding you back in all areas of your life – and this is a great opportunity to release this old pattern that is not serving you.)

5. Set up the rules for moving forward.

Ask for what you need. Tell the truth.

It’s perfectly okay to say, “If this ever happens again, you will not have another chance. We will be done.”

Spell it out in your words, in your way – and here is the very hard part – HONOR THAT agreement!

What often happens is that we pick up where we left off in the relationship in a few months… and old habits are difficult to break…but not impossible.

Honor yourself by not falling into sacrifice in the relationship. Know what your needs are, express them, expect him to meet your needs.

6. Clearly explain what you expect from him.

He needs to take action to earn your trust.

Whether it is in learning to express his feelings and ask for what he needs, if you want him to seek help or if you want both of you to seek help, it is ok to ask that he take certain actions to show his desire to repair the relationship.

Hold him to these agreements. Be clear on what your deal breakers are and stick to them. It is important for him to know that there are consequences for his actions.

When you do this then there is no need to be snooping for things, or to be worried about what he may or may not do.

Be clear on what YOU are doing and, how you are feeling when you spend time with him.

Know the saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?”

This is most certainly true in relationship. This could be an amazing opportunity to re-engineer the relationship and create something fabulous!

Love and Abundance,
Orna and Matthew

From Rori: You know I love Orna and Matthew – be sure to go and sign up for their FREE Newsletter–>> http://LoveNotesWeekly.com.

They’re always doing interesting, free stuff, their “Science Of Creating Love” program is fantastic, and they truly walk their talk and have an amazing relationship and can help you do the same.

Love, Rori

592 Comments

  1.  #1Dominique on December 17, 2011 at 7:30 am

    Cheating for me would be the ultimate betrayal. I don’t think I could come back from this, nor do I think I would want to.

    For either one to go here begs the question, why? If the relationship was so broken, why was no one speaking up? If one or the other refuses to listen, why not finish old business before starting new?

    I wrote about this recently, and my conclusion was there is no good reason to cheat.

    Some women and men have been able to work through the pain and start afresh though, actually rebuilding the relationship into something good.

    I feel curious as to what the statistics would be on this. I would imagine the percentage of couples who would able to do this successfully would be very, very small.

    An open relationship of course is another deal altogether.

    xxoo



  2.  #2Aurora Girl on December 17, 2011 at 7:33 am

    ah yes…this one can hurt…and take a while



  3.  #3Aurora Girl on December 17, 2011 at 7:36 am

    and it can impact the next relationships whether we like it or not….even if he is the most trustworthy guy in the world…..we have to heal this one inside of us….I have found it takes time……..but it can happen….it can be such a relief xo



  4.  #4Starla on December 17, 2011 at 8:05 am

    I feel so confused about this subject. Lately I have been reading up on it and so far I learned that infidelity is in our DNA. Both men and woman. It feels almost unfair to expect a man to b faithful forever but obviously being a a woman of today, I want my soul mate, and my happy ever after.

    I just can’t help feeling a bit skeptical. Am I missing something? Where I work, all men flirt whether they are married or not, in fact, the married ones are worse lol. I can’t help seeing this as natural though. hmmm



  5.  #5judy on December 17, 2011 at 8:08 am

    Learning to trust again is never simple. The hotel is a good move it lays down an initial set of boundaries (physical and emotional) you can then decide how you adjust those boundaries over the coming days/weeks.



  6.  #6Rori Raye on December 17, 2011 at 9:19 am

    oooo..Starla – great topic…I’ll do some research, get some statistics…Love, Rori



  7.  #7Senior Lady Vibe on December 17, 2011 at 9:20 am

    @Orna and Matthew

    Great post, especially the stepping through guides to get through and start again.

    I’ll have to ponder my position on “giving another chance.”



  8.  #8Senior Lady Vibe on December 17, 2011 at 9:29 am

    Bears in the woods live by doing things the natural way. Human societies develop by directing natural urges in ways that are beneficial to others as well as the individual.

    Attraction and physical arousal will happen naturally but commitments are conscious choices that we make. Being committed does not mean that we are no longer attracted or aroused by people who are not our partners but we make choices to honor our commitments.



  9.  #9Senior Lady Vibe on December 17, 2011 at 9:34 am

    Hello world.

    On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…

    …four calling cards…

    …three fine men…
    …two Starbucks coffees…
    …and a Rori Raye new video to see.

    “Twelve Days of Christmas”
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJXqRFwtjKQ



  10.  #10Starla on December 17, 2011 at 9:42 am

    Thanks Rori! I would love to get your take on this. Amazing blog, so glad to be here <3



  11.  #11Sweetpea on December 17, 2011 at 9:45 am

    Hello SLV!!!

    @ 8 – That’s exactly how I feel about it.

    Been missing seeing you here as much.

    xoxo



  12.  #12Sweetpea on December 17, 2011 at 9:56 am

    This is a subject I’ve discovered I needed more healing around recently. I jokingly tell people the reason I split with my ex-fiance is because “I didn’t like his girlfriend.”

    I stil feel some resentment toward him, but mostly I feel anger at myself. I’ve been stuffing down the “beating myself up” feelings for a long time.

    He was married when I met him and was miserable. I had always dated men who were emotionally unavailable, not men who were physically unavailable and had said I would *never* date a married man.

    I didn’t for a long time, but he actually treated me better than I’ve ever been treated and I feel stupid (yes I do) for having caved in. We ended up together for five years, but when he cheated I told myself, “what did you expect, dumbass. He cheated on his ex with you. Did you think he’d be faithful?”

    He never admitted, either, that he cheated. Not to me, not to anyone. Even though our mutual friends knew it was going on and totally supported me through our break up.

    For me, it was pretty black and white. I told him he needed to move out. I did so with the intention of finally “busting him” with the other woman. He never even told me where he moved to (we weren’t technically split up. I told him to move out under the guise of needing time, but my real intention was to bust him so I could have the peace of knowing I wasn’t crazy. i.e. Imagining things as he’d been insinuating).

    I don’t feel as much shame around this as I used to. I was young and naive, hurting still from the loss of my mom. I don’t want to make excuses. For me, it was unforgivable to have dated a married man, but I’m finding forgiveness for myself. And lots of blaming myself.

    I didn’t even try to work it out, honestly. As soon as I had enough confirmation that it was happening, I ended things. I’ve discovered when I did so, in essence, I went into hiding. Still finding healing for this.

    I’ve done “pennance” for this for about 12 years now. I want to forgive myself and get on with my life. I “own” my part in this. Now I just have to forgive myself. Probably him, too – although I thought I’d already done so.



  13.  #13Senior Lady Vibe on December 17, 2011 at 9:59 am

    @11: Sweetpea says:
    “Hello SLV!!!
    @ 8 – That’s exactly how I feel about it.
    Been missing seeing you here as much.
    xoxo”

    Hi! I’ve been celebrating last month of 2011 and prepping for 2012.

    I checked out your site. Good work!



  14.  #14Sweetpea on December 17, 2011 at 10:35 am

    SLV,

    Thank you!

    Sounds like a fantastic way to spend time. Celebrating…and preparing.

    I guess I am too! 😀



  15.  #15Starla on December 17, 2011 at 11:36 am

    WTF, there’s another starla. That wasn’t me above!! I feel weird. Is it just a coincidence? Surely someone isn’t trying to pretend to be me. That would just be whacky.



  16.  #16Dominique on December 17, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    Starla – I have seen the types of articles you speak of, but I have also seen articles which dispute this. I really don’t believe we have an infidelity gene per se, but we can be born with the tendency one way or the other though this is NOT all of us. Individual upbringing and societal input will play a role in this, whether a person will cheat or won’t.

    K and I both do not have even the tiniest inkling to want to cheat. I am quite sure we are not the only people on the planet who are this way.

    If you feel sure you are a monogamous woman, then please know there are others like you, and the more you can stay true this part of you, the more like minded and hearted individuals will be drawn to you.

    xxoo



  17.  #17Dominique on December 17, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    Starl #15, this IS weird…

    xxoo



  18.  #18Sweetpea on December 17, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    Feeling major-league excitement! Just read this post from Rori that’s a couple years old. It’s about a lady whose husband cheated and Rori’s advice around that.

    It feels exciting to me because, even though I’m not married (yet :D) I know this is the secret to keeping the spark alive. I’ve always had this innate fear that I would get bored being in a relationship – which is…now that I’m feeling around it- basically healed.

    Anyway, just wanted to share, for any of you who are interested: https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/marriage/turn-your-marriage-around-now-no-matter-whats-happening/



  19.  #19Sweetpea on December 17, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    Starla @ 15,

    Someone sent me an email about a year ago saying there was a “Sweetpea” posting on the blog who wasn’t me. I looked and never saw what she was referring to, but now I’m feeling kinda weird about this. I wonder what the other Sweetpea said.

    This feels slightly anxiety-inducing now. Hmmm….



  20.  #20Starla on December 17, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    Aww it feels so magical that someone else wanted to use the name Starla. I was inspired by Rori Raye’s star dust imagery…I love that someone else was too!



  21.  #21Aurora Girl on December 17, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    lol
    I use to use another name too….and when I saw a post with it that wasn’t mine it did feel funny…but I thought it was a chance to find another pen name so here it is……lol……an individual choice though I know



  22.  #22Belladonna on December 17, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    @ Starla, gosh!! My apologies, Starla. I’m new here, didn’t know your lovely name was already yours :S …I’ve changed to Belladonna – I hope I’m the only one 🙂



  23.  #23Aurora Girl on December 17, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    I think it’s natural to flirt, be aroused or attracted to another and know that others feel the same way at times…..I think that’s natural…..I feel feminine when a man flirts and I try to stay in the moment and in my comfort zone……I’ve even had men flirt with me when I was with my guy…..and they’d look at him and wink a “you’re a lucky guy” and he would feel like a million bucks because I was with him…….but we both know we are committed to each other…….it feels right with him….because I would not want to hurt him I keep it real and wouldn’t want to cheat…..he tells me the same thing…….when it’s this good one doesn’t want to do anything stupid……….maybe it’s about keeping it fresh and alive so there’s no need to wander?….



  24.  #24Esteemed on December 17, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    CO just emailed me briefly to say hi how are you. Let’s see if he writes back.

    This is a good article.

    I discussed the missed meeting with R last night and he apologized. I apologized for letting my feelings all hang out, telling him it triggered a lot of pain from 2009.

    I can’t say I feel better, because I feel unwise for contacting him.



  25.  #25Starla on December 17, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    hehe i feel amused. it’ll all work itself out. i feel so happy about seeing how my initial reaction to seeing someone using my name here was a paranoid one. that’s a good thing to notice.



  26.  #26Esteemed on December 17, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    If I offer a gift to a long distance friend (a woman), and she refuses it, is that pretty much saying I don’t value your friendship? I feel really hurt. I haven’t decided if I will tell her how hurt I feel. All it would accomplish is making her feel obligated to treat the friendship as more than it is. Should I say anything? If so, what would you say if someone refused a gift of the heart? I would have just surprised her, but there were some logistics I needed to work out.



  27.  #27Starla on December 17, 2011 at 1:08 pm

    “is that pretty much saying I don’t value your friendship?”

    i would say it’s absolutely not saying that.

    if someone offered me a gift and then turned it into a negative when i said no to the gift, i would feel really unsafe and tricked.

    actually this has happened to me but with a man and it felt terrible to be put through that by him.

    hope this answers your question.



  28.  #28light heart on December 17, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    yes, I felt moved to question the whole fidelity issue, are men and women meant to be monogamous? Even began to read ‘Sex at Dawn’.

    Very quickly I received a strong impression that the authors were trying to formulate an argument or theory based on equating human beings, who have the huge capacity to overcome primal instincts and selfish concerns in deference to what’s best for the whole, to primates that do not have this capacity, or at least not to the degree humans do. SLV @ #8 says it very well, I think.

    So, I really could not take it very seriously.

    Here’s another article you may have seen (it’s long, I know) that explores the topic of does traditional marriage serve us any longer. It seems to me that the author is trying to influence a direction away from it, saying that traditional marriage, as we know it, evolved relatively recently and proliferated during the ’50s and ’60’s but is becoming obsolete. And that we should go back to how things were, like in agrarian societies a long time ago, when everything was shared, and there wasn’t any ’til death do us part.

    I say, check in with yourself to know what you really want, forget the ‘trends’ or what people say you should want.

    All the Single Ladies

    http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/11/all-the-single-ladies/8654/

    Recent years have seen an explosion of male joblessness and a steep decline in men’s life prospects that have disrupted the “romantic market” in ways that narrow a marriage-minded woman’s options: increasingly, her choice is between deadbeats (whose numbers are rising) and playboys (whose power is growing). But this strange state of affairs also presents an opportunity: as the economy evolves, it’s time to embrace new ideas about romance and family—and to acknowledge the end of “traditional” marriage as society’s highest ideal.
    By Kate Bolick

    🙂
    light heart



  29.  #29Aurora Girl on December 17, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    Esteemed

    may I ask “what was the gift”?



  30.  #30Starbright on December 17, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    Esteemed,

    Is it possible to look at it from her perspective? Could the gift have felt overwhelming in some way for her? Brought up fears or a sense of responsibility or some such thing?

    I have told some newer very close friends that I prefer no gifts and instead appreciate time spent together as the best gifts possible…

    Hugs to you!



  31.  #31Sweetpea on December 17, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    Esteemed @ 25,

    Assuming your friend knows your financial state, I wouldn’t take it as rejection at all. I would take it as a loving gesture.



  32.  #32flower on December 17, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    haha forgive a man cheating he will do again and again jsut find a better way to mask it so u wont find out, u either married cheater type guy or u didnt make relationship with the guy in cheatproof way and hes missing something that you arent willing to do to for example in bed, i know all this couples where man is struggling to stay faithfull cos the woman wont do anything fun in bed but demand that its only them 2 in the relationship hah good luck with that



  33.  #33flower on December 17, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    u wouldnt stay with a man who is late or won’t change a lightbulb or whatever it is for u why would he stay with a woman where hes missing something , well he might chose to stay if money and other stuff is involved and cheat isntead of leaving



  34.  #34Senior Lady Vibe on December 17, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    @25: Esteemed says:
    “…If I offer a gift to a long distance friend (a woman), and she refuses it, is that pretty much saying I don’t value your friendship?.a..”

    I don’t think it means that. Maybe it’s just something about the gift and she’s letting you know. Did she say why she couldn’t accept the gift? It’s probably nothing to do with how she thinks of you.

    I once had a guy give me a newborn puppy; I had real heartache then instead of joy…. not saying your gift was anything like that.

    Or sometimes people have offered things that were just so expensive or seemed (to me) to be a large inconvenience to the giver. I just wanted to let them out of it gracefully and hope I’ve succeeded. Maybe not always… I did my best.



  35.  #35Senior Lady Vibe on December 17, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    @27: light heart

    Thank you. 🙂



  36.  #36Esteemed on December 17, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    Starla,

    RE: #26 – Thanks! Well, I haven’t said anything. So I guess I will just let it go and ride it out.



  37.  #37Esteemed on December 17, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    Aurora Girl,

    RE: #28 – A blender, a book (that we had discussed and she was interested in), and some clothes. It was all second hand stuff, the blender and book being stuff I already had. But we were both struggling financially so it was understood.



  38.  #38Esteemed on December 17, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    Starbright,

    RE: #29 – That is possible. The thing is, she is Muslim, so she does not celebrate Christmas. I didn’t attach the word “Christmas gift” to it, but nevertheless she may feel pressure to get me a gift for a holiday she doesn’t celebrate.



  39.  #39Esteemed on December 17, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    Sweetpea,

    RE: #30 – She knew I already had it, tho, and that the only money I’d be putting out was for postage.



  40.  #40Esteemed on December 17, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    SLV,

    RE: #33 – You mean the puppy was a week old or less? Where was its momma? You had to bottle feed it?

    The reason she gave is that she just bought some clothes and she’s about to buy a blender. If it were me, I wouldn’t mind having more clothes. I like variety. And oh well.



  41.  #41Starla on December 17, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    You’re welcome, Esteemed. I recently offered my friend a birthday dinner since it was his birthday and he was alone and what not, but he never even replied. it seriously made me question if he even wanted to be my friend (i felt sooo insecure already). I’m glad I didn’t say anything because when he was ready he said heyyy let’s still do sushi cuz your bday is coming up too now. and we hang out 2x a week now.

    it can be so hard not to take things personally and if we’re not careful, we can make the same people we want to show love to, suffer, for not acting how you wanted them to

    i’m actually gonna see that same friend in a couple of hours.



  42.  #42lilybelly on December 17, 2011 at 2:19 pm

    15:

    Yikes. How will I know it’s you??!?!?

    I’ve thought about changing my name too since at one point there were more than a few of use that had “lil” in their name. Dominque didn’t care for the idea so here I am…still lilybelly.

    Hee Hee.



  43.  #43Aurora Girl on December 17, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    I liked the above post…it brings comfort to know that there may be a game plan to follow with some hope involved if a relationship evolved to cheating on some level and one felt betrayed….they would need to heal…the “cheater” would need to heal…the partnership would need to heal……sometimes the “cheater” is very confused…other times lost….other times they do it purposefully…….

    I always feel uncomfortable with the phrase:
    “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”…..

    not so sure I roll with that one……I’ll take “what doesn’t kill you makes you wiser”……not sure about stronger in the sense that I understand it…….a thin stretch maybe……..

    I”m feeling sad pondering this topic during this holiday preparing week…….I want to turn it around ……maybe focus on hope……and light…….and peace………this week of hope and faith ….not commercialism….not sweet cutesy gift giving…..not the flash and sparkle…..just feels good thinking about hope and peace and openness……

    xo



  44.  #44Aurora Girl on December 17, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    lilybelly

    I like your name…….a lot.!



  45.  #45Esteemed on December 17, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    Starla,

    RE: #40 – How wonderful! 🙂 I’m glad I asked!



  46.  #46Esteemed on December 17, 2011 at 2:43 pm

    I just ordered two electric radiator-style space heaters from WalMart’s website. They are $45 on the website and $70 in the store! Huge price difference! So I have to wait a week or so. I’m saving $50.

    I intend to keep my oil furnace around 55 degrees, to keep basic comfort and to keep the pipes from freezing. Then I will use primarily the heaters to keep it comfortable, in order to save money. Because oil heat used to be far cheaper, but now it’s $3.60 to $4.25 a gallon. So I think electric heat is cheaper. I am going to cover the thermostat with a plastic container or such to be sure the furnace kicks on, since the room temperature may be 70 degrees. Yes, foreign ladies, I’m talking Farenheit here.



  47.  #47Dominique on December 17, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    Lilybelly – I have so much power lol…Not only did I accidentally name you, you kept it just for me. I feel so honored. muah

    xxoo



  48.  #48lilybelly on December 17, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    43:

    Hee Hee.. I like it too.

    🙂



  49.  #49lilybelly on December 17, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    46:

    Yes you do! I remember giggling when I read the re-name. I have to keep it this way because you re-named me. It sure stuck…

    Much love, Dominique.



  50.  #50VW on December 17, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    “A man who cheats on a woman is unlikely to be faithful to that woman forever.”

    wow…i feel sad..because I Believe it! therefore, it is true to me…and it would always be if I continue to Believe it…:( Sigh…

    I feel so glad I have the opportunity to start fresh…a new life for me…



  51.  #51lilybelly on December 17, 2011 at 4:22 pm

    I believe that an affair is the result of something seriously off balance in a relationship. If one chooses to forgive and forget, but doesn’t work to find and heal the original issue, then yep..it’ll happen again.

    Of course, there are those situations where we “say” we forgive but then turn around and toss it in their faces every chance. If that happened to me, I wouldn’t want to stay with me either. That’s the whole thing about forgiveness. It isn’t really forgiveness if it keeps being brought up and the reason it keeps being brought up is because there is a serious lack of trust. Lots of healing to do there but the root cause has to be repaired.

    Most times, people blame the infidelity on the break down of the relationship. I seriously wonder what the statistics are on the real reason for infidelity.



  52.  #52lilybelly on December 17, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    I bet the statistics, if there are any, are overwhelmingly in favor of underlying relationship issues, rather than just wanting a different flavor.



  53.  #53lilybelly on December 17, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    “All by Myself” is playing in my head.

    🙂



  54.  #54lilybelly on December 17, 2011 at 4:31 pm

    or…

    “Alone again, Naturally”.

    I’m cracking myself up.



  55.  #55Aurora Girl on December 17, 2011 at 4:37 pm

    lilybelly you are too funny…



  56.  #56VW on December 17, 2011 at 4:55 pm

    Aww Lilibelly 🙂 Beautiful insights darling 🙂 I enjoy reading today…other people’s awesomeness!

    Warm hugs,



  57.  #57Hopeful on December 17, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    I changed my name from Wants to be Hopeful to Hopeful. When I joined this blog, I felt so hopeless, which is kind of a lifelong feeling I have had. And when I started to feel some hope for my marriage, I changed my name. But today, I saw someone else use hopful, lowercase. I guess it is a feeling we all want to have.

    Anyway, I feel Hopeful today because my husband just capped the wine bottle after having two glasses. He had a glass with dinner, and one after. That self control is hopeful to me. Not sure what his plan is or reasoning is, but I am glad he appears to be taking care of himself.

    And we had a great week.

    Signed,
    Hopeful



  58.  #58Aurora Girl on December 17, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    Hopeful

    I feel like somehow your hope adds to mine and it just grows………I am sending you more hopeful vibes……xo



  59.  #59Starla on December 17, 2011 at 7:17 pm

    Oh goodness, I have been the focus of some really sweet positive male attention today. It’s like they’re all under a spell.

    Feeling appreciated and wanted by the men of the world today 🙂



  60.  #60Starla on December 17, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    my buddy was saying to the 3 men surrounding me at the coffee shop, chatting altogether, that I am a rad chick. And they all emphatically nodded and smiled…it was so sweet and romantic. As they left they all one on one told me it was a pleasure to see me again…they were all so intense and steamy.

    i’ve never experienced that before. well, not amongst sober people hehehe.

    i’m feeling so truly goddessy, but feeling weird saying it to other human beings like it’ll stop being true if i say it out loud.



  61.  #61Lizka on December 17, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    I posted it on the last post without realisibg there was a new article. I really wanted to share it with someone because it made me feel so happy about it.

    602: Lizka says:

    Ohhhh! I was feeling kind of lonely tonight. First weekend in like 2 months that no one calls me to go party or something.

    And I also felt like I had pushed away all my CDs lately. I told SpainCD that I did not want to go to his Christmas party. He was mad. And on Thursday, something weird happen with DjCD, something that I don’t feel like talking about, but I don’t think he will call me again. And never heard of S after the last text messages like 2 weeks ago. And he hasen’t really step up after the bowling adventure…

    So I’m home, watching a Christmas movie, thinking that maybe I should text SpainCD to apologize. And at the same time I know it’s not appropriate. And I felt nervous that all my CDs dissapeared and most of them because I was not acting too much like a siren in some situations…

    And thaaaaaaan……. E called me out of nowhere!!! In 5 years, he never called me just to chat! And he asked me how was work, and how I was doing, and he was really nice! And he asked when I was leaving for Florida, I said on the 25th. He said he was alone for Christmas Eve, I said I would be at my mom’s place. He said that his parents (who live in the same city as my mom) will be away and that he will probably be at their place on the 24th, and that maybe we could spend some time together!!! Awwww!

    I know it’s not an official date and I am not expecting to see him until he confirms it to me and propose an official plan, but just the fact that he thinks of spending Christmas Eve with me feels sooooo good! And I feel like smiling and laughing.

    I did not come hear and write a lot lately 1. because nothing exciting was happening to me and I felt kind of empty and 2. because my computer is still broken and I feel bored of writting on my computer.

    But I HAD to share this so little victory. After the bowling adventure, I leaned back very very far for 2 weeks and took care of me and dated other guys… And he finaly step up with something he is not use to do and propose to spend the most important night of the year (for me) together!!

    I feel goooooood!

    Saturday, 17 December 2011 @ 6:55pm



  62.  #62Starla on December 17, 2011 at 7:36 pm

    yay lizka

    and wow, you must stay pretty busy if this is your first “lonely” weekend in a long while. But I just love weekends alone with no plans to go out. It feels relaxing and freeing and recharging. I love being at home doing my laundry on a Saturday night while the rest of the world is out partying. I feel good and magical being at home comfy and with myself while everyone else is out trying to get away from their own selves. And I feel like I can go out any night if I really want to, just not as late, so i think, “what’s with the obligation to have plans on weekends?”

    I guess I feel rebellious and smug being at home on a Saturday night. it feels oddly delicious…



  63.  #63Lizka on December 17, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    Starla, I said I was partying every weekends, but most of them, I was partying either Friday or Saturday, not both nights. And the other night, I just took care of myself watching movies or painting my bails or sleeping early.

    There was a few weekends where I was really busy and I indeed missed being with myself.

    Tonight, I was not feeling lonely just because I am spending Saturday night alone, but also because no one has called me in a few day, except maybe for one of my very good friend but we are always on contact.

    But I felt ok being home, just wantes someone to wonder where I’ve been, and I was so surprised (!!) that this person who would wonder about me on this Saturday night would be E!! I love being surprised!



  64.  #64Senior Lady Vibe on December 17, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    @39: Esteemed says:
    “..The reason she gave is that she just bought some clothes and she’s about to buy a blender…”

    Those explanations seem to me pretty normal and straightforward with no mysteries or bad feeling. It could be she has her eye on a particular blender and she also doesn’t want to “feel obligated to ‘like’ ” the clothes you offered. I can understand that… just a couple days ago I turned down a clothing offer… kind of funny too…

    My DDIL offered me a sweater because she said it looked “too mature” for her… LOL I told her if it looked too mature on her it would look too mature on me too… hahaha… however I like thrifting so I insisted on at least taking a look and sure enough, we discovered a flaw in the fit. The garment would not have been “flattering” for anyone. Normally I love getting clothing extras…went to an organized “clothing swap” party last month… we are a big time thrifting loving family. I’ve also received household appliances too: coffee maker, slow cooker etc lots of stuff… we all pass things around but don’t feel bad about saying or receiving “Thanks but I can’t use that one.” A “what else ya got?” is usually added…
    😀

    I wouldn’t worry about it, or think too long on it. If the book is offered as a “New Year’s” gift, maybe she’d like that.

    The post office used to offer special “media rate” for books; perhaps it still does. I paid cheap postage when I used to buy books on eBay.



  65.  #65Lizka on December 17, 2011 at 7:44 pm

    Lol and I guess I’m just being a big baby because I’m not spending my weekend all by myself. Thursday night I had this party that DjCD organised for my office, yesterday my girl friend came over and we watched movies and tomorrow I am going to the spa with 3 girl frienda for our annual Girl’s “day” out before Christmas…



  66.  #66Starla on December 17, 2011 at 7:55 pm

    Aww lizka, you think you’re being a baby? it sounds like you just have a lot of social energy this weekend and it wants to be burned up:)



  67.  #67Senior Lady Vibe on December 17, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    RE: #33 Esteemed
    “..– You mean the puppy was a week old or less? Where was its momma? You had to bottle feed it?…”

    Bottle feed? I wish… I used an eyedropper and Esbilac (artificial bitches milk) every two hours for as long as I lasted… And if you’ve hand raised pups you know I also had to hand defecate and urinate the puppy also. I also had a full-time job, a household to run by myself, a small primary school child and university classes too…

    Poor little pup was pink, eyes closed and couldn’t yet stand up. Taken from his momma after birth apparently by idiot dog owner who put pups in cardboard box and was passing them out in K-Mart parking lot.
    I still feel pain just to think about it…



  68.  #68Lizka on December 17, 2011 at 8:08 pm

    That made me think about why I am feeling lonely when I am not actually really alone…

    After P, I was alone. Every weekends, I just refused to see anyone. I refused all the invitations. I just wanted to be home, alone, in my pyjama, waiting for him to come back, I guess. And than, as the pain went away, I started to accept the invites and I really enjoy my life now and when I think of P, I just tell myself that I have so much more fun now alway’s being here and there…

    And I think that when I find myself alone again on a Saturday night, my nasty voices tells me that I am going back there, in the pain and in the rejection of other people. And I don’t want to go back there. I guess that’s something I have to heal. It is not because one weekend no one is calling me that no one will ever call me again to go out…

    I will remember this next time i am alone and feel bad about it… Because I actually feel good being alone, but I also feel guilty of feeling alone…



  69.  #69Lizka on December 17, 2011 at 8:08 pm

    That made me think about why I am feeling lonely when I am not actually really alone…

    After P, I was alone. Every weekends, I just refused to see anyone. I refused all the invitations. I just wanted to be home, alone, in my pyjama, waiting for him to come back, I guess. And than, as the pain went away, I started to accept the invites and I really enjoy my life now and when I think of P, I just tell myself that I have so much more fun now alway’s being here and there…

    And I think that when I find myself alone again on a Saturday night, my nasty voices tells me that I am going back there, in the pain and in the rejection of other people. And I don’t want to go back there. I guess that’s something I have to heal. It is not because one weekend no one is calling me that no one will ever call me again to go out…

    I will remember this next time i am alone and feel bad about it… Because I actually feel good being alone, but I also feel guilty of feeling good…



  70.  #70Lizka on December 17, 2011 at 8:11 pm

    Oups, sorry for reposting. I made a mistake in the last word and tried to change it but it seems that it my message was already posted. The last sentence should be “but I also feel guilty of feeling good…” (and not “alone”)



  71.  #71Esteemed on December 17, 2011 at 8:32 pm

    Wonder of wonders, R called me just now, and we talked for 20 minutes! He apologized again for not letting me know he changed his mind about going. He said he just didn’t think about it, and he was not feeling well just before the meeting.

    He was struggling and he said it helps him feel better to talk with me. So it felt good to just have a nice chat with him and read him a devotional.

    I wonder if someone on the blog figured out who I was referring to about the gift, and told the person, because she normally doesn’t come on the blog. Apparently she found out I was stressing about it, because she sent me a couple of paragraphs about me not to take it personally. Did anyone contact her? If so, I forgive you, but I feel extremely embarrassed, almost as much as I would if I were discussing a man on here and then someone told the man to go on the blog and read what I wrote. This blog is a place, or is supposed to be a place, where we can just process our thoughts and feelings as we work toward healthier relationships. I feel bad that I need to censor my words more than I already do.



  72.  #72Esteemed on December 17, 2011 at 8:38 pm

    SLV,

    RE: #63 – Thank you! Yes, that is a relaxed way to approach it, and you are right on! Happy Christmas and merry New Year! 😆



  73.  #73Esteemed on December 17, 2011 at 8:40 pm

    Hopeful,

    RE: #56 – “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope…” 🙂 Good for you changing your name! I felt good when I changed my name, too!

    Hugs, Esteemed



  74.  #74Butterfly Wings on December 17, 2011 at 9:36 pm

    Hi everybody! Well I asked TH about coming to my parent’s for Christmas morning and as I kind of expected, he said no. I feel a little disappointed but also kind of relieved that I don’t have to “entertain” or worry about him while we’re there.

    But the good news is that I am definitely invited to spend Christmas afternoon with TH and his family! His sister invited me ages ago but he’d never said anything until today. He said “We’ll have to grab a bottle of sparkling wine for you and my sister to drink….”.. Ok then! 😀

    I feel good. Even after last night’s icky conversation. And I’m so glad I’m invited to his sister’s! My youngest will be with us then and his nephew is the same age, so it should be a great afternoon! Woohoo!



  75.  #75Butterfly Wings on December 17, 2011 at 9:36 pm

    Hi everybody! Well I asked TH about coming to my parent’s for Christmas morning and as I kind of expected, he said no. I feel a little disappointed but also kind of relieved that I don’t have to “entertain” or worry about him while we’re there.

    But the good news is that I am definitely invited to spend Christmas afternoon with TH and his family! His sister invited me ages ago but he’d never said anything until today. He said “We’ll have to grab a bottle of sparkling wine for you and my sister to drink….”.. Ok then! 😀

    I feel good. Even after last night’s icky conversation. And I’m so glad I’m invited to his sister’s! My youngest will be with us then and his nephew is the same age, so it should be a great afternoon! Woohoo!



  76.  #76Esteemed on December 17, 2011 at 9:40 pm

    I feel far more relaxed since R called! My anxiety is quelled. Thank God! I was going nuts since Wed.

    I’m loving my new house, and enjoying getting things together. I did a lot of shopping today for little stuff. I picked up some free Christmas decorations from Craigslist! I got little trashcans for four different rooms, and boxes of tissues, stuff like that. It still looks cluttered, but not everything is put away yet. I just was blessed with a Craftmatic adjustable bed from Craigslist a few days ago for my Mom to use in my 2nd bedroom when she comes to visit. She is in a wheelchair, so she needs one like that. They even threw in a grab bar for the bathroom and a raised toilet seat! My Mom feels excited to come spend a weekend with me, now that she sees I am serious about getting my house handicap accessible for her! I know it means a lot to her, because she’s mentioned how she feels bad that neither of my brothers’ houses are handicap accessible.

    It will look so nice when I’m done! I have so many idealisms around my home. I envision parties and cookouts! I love to have guests, and now that I have a spare bed and bedroom, it will be easy for any of my friends to come visit – not just my Mom!

    I tried to get Christmas lights for my tree today, but apparently WalMart was sold out. I also looked for little silk birds to put on the tree and fake snow, to make my tree look like a forest scene. I did get some sleigh bells in pastel pink, pastel blue, silver, and white, and they will make festive ornaments, along with the glass balls given to me with the free decorations!

    I still need to unpack all the boxes in my 2nd bedroom. I didn’t get to that yet, because my ankles and arches were hurting, so I kept being on my feet to a minimum, even using the electric wheelchair at the store. I wanted the exercise, but they were in that much pain. Weak ankles and arches are the reason my Mom is now in a wheelchair full time. So I don’t want to follow down that path.

    I forget if I mentioned I joined the YMCA today! I feel really excited about being able to get exercise by swimming! And I have a friend nearby who invited me to swim with her! That will make it all the more motivating! I feel happy and relieved again, after spending the day trying to convince myself to have a merry Christmas. R is back in my world, so all feels all right again. I am in love with him, and even tho it is just a friendship, I don’t know how to not be in love with him.

    Nighty night! Sweet Dreams! I intend to have some!



  77.  #77Butterfly Wings on December 17, 2011 at 9:45 pm

    Yay Esteemed!

    Sending loving vibes to you and hope your ankles improve. Must be hard with the cold too huh, but the swimming etc will definitely help! 🙂

    Please be careful about R. As you said in the previous thread, he has a “pattern”. If it’s a pattern then it’s likely he’ll repeat it – again and again. But things can change, although I’m not sure it’ll be quick, based on his issues. In the meantime though, keep your focus on you and CDing ok? xxx



  78.  #78tenny on December 17, 2011 at 11:42 pm

    This is a great article and it is sort of a trigger for me. I’ve been cheated on, and the pain is the worst. I discovered that Hate not very different from love because of being cheated on. I’ve avoided a relationship with someone because I KNEW he would cheat on me – it was his way. But here’s the weird thing . . . in the past, I would end up cheating if I did not accept the fact that I must be deeply attracted to my partner. Great s#x is very important to me and if I didn’t have it in a relationship – I would stray. It feels two-faced and icky to say this, but it is true. Since I know this about myself, I normally end a relationship so I don’t cheat – and I’m honest about it. Because of this it is hard for me to put myself in a man’s shoes. If a man want to leave me to be with someone else, I always want to know the truth. The last guy I dated lied about this, he said “it’s me, not you, my feelings just have not progressed.” After the break up he denied he wanted to be with another woman. Time told on him. He just wanted to string me along and the fact that he had been with another woman came out eventually. Perhaps I expect too much since I’m willing to be straightforward about this, but I honestly believe if the attraction for another is strong enough to move on, let the truth be told and move on. Controversial, but this is my feeling on the subject.



  79.  #79Butterfly Wings on December 18, 2011 at 12:28 am

    I was cheated on. I forgave, but could never forget. And I could never trust him again. That’s why he’s now my “ex” husband. Biggest regret of his life I reckon!

    And yes I am still healing from it, but definitely doing better now than I was a year or so ago! 🙂



  80.  #80Butterfly Wings on December 18, 2011 at 12:30 am

    22 Belladonna – I just bought some pink sparkling wine called Bella Donna today! Yummo!

    I like the new name! 😉



  81.  #81Butterfly Wings on December 18, 2011 at 12:36 am

    I feel so good right now, despite the fact that TH isn’t going to join me and my family for breakfast on Christmas morning. I suppose that’s me “taking no for an answer”, right? 🙂

    I feel so good because he wants me to join him with his sister and her family, and also today and yesterday he bought some pretty cool presents for my girls – and the really expensive dress has officially become one of my pressies – totally understandable, based on how much it cost him! I definitely wasn’t expecting him to spend so much on me and the girls, but it’s so nice that he wanted to.

    I really slacked off on my eating and exercise challenge the last week, and he’s been teasing me about it. So today I got back into it. Phew! I feel tired right now – and hungry!!! I’m sure I’ve not eaten enough calories today, but should make that up at dinner.

    Anyway, that’s it from me for now – I’m off to think about how to make my veggies taste better without making them fattening! 😉



  82.  #82Ella on December 18, 2011 at 2:08 am

    Hmmm,

    Feeling a little tense today noticing that most of my CDs do not go beyond date 2 or 3.

    Feeling a touch insecure that it is something wrong with me.

    Feeling frustrated that men don’t seem to ‘get’ it when I lean back sometimes and mistake it for lack of interest due to the training they’ve had of other women leaning forward.

    Feeling annoyed at men for not stepping up more.

    Feeling curious about this.

    Mostly feeling that I don’t care much and feeling good in my life and that I am a fabolous Siren and any man is very lucky to get any time with me.



  83.  #83Butterfly Wings on December 18, 2011 at 2:11 am

    Ella, wouldn’t it be great if we could contact all of these “poofers” and ask “What’s the deal huh????”. If only….!

    But it could just be that they’re weeding themselves out to make room for the quality you deserve! And of course, good things come to those who wait…! 😉

    xxx



  84.  #84Aurora Girl on December 18, 2011 at 2:37 am

    Good morning Chickies!

    I like evenings and some weekends in alone time too! I remind myself that not everyone is out partying or on a date on Friday or Saturday night…….it’s such a mix!

    My sweety has to work all weekend…..if I focus on the idea that “it’s a drag we can’t go out Friday night because he ‘s working nights”….I get sad and feel left out. But if I think of the bigger picture and not look at the gap (of what’s not happening) suddenly all of the good things rush in….for example that at least once a month or more we both have a week day off and spend the whole day having fun. I like thinking of the mix and that spending time on my own is part of it
    xo



  85.  #85Aurora Girl on December 18, 2011 at 2:42 am

    I remember the long months and years too when I wasn’t dating anyone seriously…..and felt like I wanted it so badly….sometimes I would get depressed……and feel very very empty. But I remember a small voice saying that when my kids are older and I am in a relationship (because I probably would be)…..busy with all of that…I need to remember the quieter alone times…..I will probably yearn for them a bit….so I wanted to see those months and years as special time for me for healing..just for me….like the universe knew I needed that time for a lot of reasons…to set myself back to whole again…..and here I am! And it is a comforting thought for sure……

    Quiet, dark in the early winter morning here……winter solstice is only a few days a way…..I like this quiet time……I feel like a goddess bear tucked quietly and safely in her den while some of the world still sleeps 🙂

    xo



  86.  #86Aurora Girl on December 18, 2011 at 2:45 am

    ….a white bear……strong and getting wiser on the inside ….soft and cuddly on the outside….lol



  87.  #87Butterfly Wings on December 18, 2011 at 2:46 am

    It’s funny Aurora girl. It’s summer here and almost bed time!

    I cherish my alone time these days, because I don’t get so much anymore. TH is here practically all of the time. I like having him here, but some alone time would be great. 🙂



  88.  #88Aurora Girl on December 18, 2011 at 2:53 am

    BW
    I’m glad things are moving along for you and TH…..what a wonderful thing…..

    and summer….lovely…..I can imagine you are on the other side of the world….or I am ! lol

    I get some daily inspirationals from the Hick’s Abraham project and here’s what arrived by email today:

    Start telling a better-feeling story about the things that are important to you. Do not write your story like a factual documentary, weighing all the pros and cons of your experience, but instead tell the uplifting, fanciful, magical story of the wonder of your own life and watch what happens. It will feel like magic as your life begins to transform right before yours eyes, but it is not by magic. It is by the power of the Laws of the Universe and your deliberate alignment with those Laws.

    — Abraham

    I love it!
    xo



  89.  #89Aurora Girl on December 18, 2011 at 2:54 am

    so BW that must mean you are at the peak of your summer!?



  90.  #90Butterfly Wings on December 18, 2011 at 3:41 am

    That’s right AG, although we’ve not had too many warm days, similar to last year (when we had major flooding here).

    Not nearly as much rain as this time last year though, so I’m confident we’ll stay dry! 🙂

    And re your previous post, yes, it’s always good to reframe your situation and put a positive aspect to it!



  91.  #91Butterfly Wings on December 18, 2011 at 3:47 am

    TH sent me this the other day as a joke… but I think it kind of rings true for me in a way! 😀

    “A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much.

    She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, “You’re a great guy, but I don’t like you in that way.”…

    This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, “You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we’re not going to hire you.

    We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applications.

    But we’re going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn’t work out, we’ll hire somebody else, but still not you.

    In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.”…”

    Hehe! I think this is funny because it IS kind of like how things are with me, my “admirers” and TH (the incompetent alcoholic!). 😀



  92.  #92Esteemed on December 18, 2011 at 3:48 am

    Butterfly Wings,

    RE: #77 – You said, “Please be careful about R. As you said in the previous thread, he has a “pattern”. If it’s a pattern then it’s likely he’ll repeat it – again and again. But things can change, although I’m not sure it’ll be quick, based on his issues. In the meantime though, keep your focus on you and CDing ok? xxx”

    Thank you! Right on! I feel understood by you!

    And in sleeping on it overnight (it is now 6:30 am-ish here), altho it is possible that he was intentionally setting me up for disappointment (and I mean that!!), I will give him the benefit of the doubt and assume I overreacted.

    Given our history, I feel glad that he saw how his absence affected me, in the face of telling me he was coming. I think he will think twice before he pulls that again. And in a way I feel glad because it really did result in some more healing for me, thanks to you ladies here. Getting this stuff out in the open, as uncomfortable and vulnerable as that feels, gets stuck energy OUT!!

    If I had kept it bottled inside, as I did over and over on at least a weekly basis in 2009, it would have just continued to fester. What I’ve discovered about pain is that when it is really deep, it leaves me feeling confused. A lot of that confusion was cleared away this time.

    It meant a lot to me when R told me last night, “I can’t talk to just anybody when I’m feeling attacked. You are a big support to me.” Because of what he’s gone thru with schizophrenia, he is very guarded, and he feels misunderstood by most people. He told me last night he doesn’t feel better when he talks to his parents (with whom he lives), but he feels significantly better after he talks with me.

    I don’t like for him to be in pain. But when he is being attacked (he describes it as psychological pain, like inside is “The Perfect Storm”), he seems most vulnerable and open to me. At those moments, the psychological monster of 2009 becomes my precious friend. Schizophrenia can be a strange malady.



  93.  #93Radiance on December 18, 2011 at 3:58 am

    Sex eroded during the years of my marriage, and thinking about it now, it was probably because we were competitive and flopping around in our boy/girl energies. I probably emasculated my partner over the years and he reached out to me less. Well, never. That or what he thought was foreplay—like grabbing my n#pple as I passed him in the hallway—didn’t turn me on, in fact repelled me. Even in the early years we seldom went to bed at the same time. I would cry myself to sleep sometimes in the early years—lonely—while he stayed up later watching crime dramas on TV. So over time I guess I pushed my sexual needs underground, seldom even pleasured myself. Aside from the lack of physical intimacy, we got along for the most part. I remember trying to seduce him a few times and he was not receptive. Strange. Sometimes I have wondered if he might be gay. Or just have sexual hangups from his religious upbringing. Or just low drive. I know that he has never strayed. I just know. He’s a workaholic. Always has a project going. Work ethic over play ethic, I guess. Work ethic over touch ethic. But we managed to conceive a child once.

    Since my sexuality was suppressed, I never really considered it a dealbreaker. Then about 17 years into our relationship we started hanging around a new crowd. And my sexuality reemerged. I awakened to loving myself more, making a commitment to fitness and self-care. I wanted touch and expressed that to my spouse. Sometimes we would laugh about it “I wonder if we’ll ever have sex again” to keep from crying, I guess. Sometimes I would cry about it to him.

    In January a few years ago at dinner with another couple, I told them that one of my New Year’s Resolutions was to have more sex, and more sex with each other. That got a laugh, with the understanding being more sex than self-pleasuring. Well, 12 months later, on New Year’s Eve, we had still not had sex.

    I didn’t see that as a reason to dismantle the family, the “corporation” and all the layers of our history woven together, especially with a child involved. I saw that as a reason to look elsewhere for a some touch. And thus, thanks to the wonders of the internet, I found a man in a similar position. In other words, we were both looking. If it hadn’t been me, it would have been someone else. He is married with three young children. Runs his own business. And just wanted a dang bl&w job once in a while. I get it. Not really worth splitting the family up over and having the kids grow up without both parents. And the alimony.

    We both fell into the thrill of desiring and being desired. And I became attracted to his wound. He only mentioned it once in passing, that his parents had split up when he was young and split the children along gender lines and moved distant from each other. He says his relationship with his mother is like a distant aunt. I can understand why he does not want divorce.

    Anyway, I don’t see it as a black and white issue or an evil situation. This will probably trigger people, but I see the “betrayal” in my relationship as being ongoing over the years and a joint responsibility. My spouse does not know about it and has never asked me about it, although I heard from a friend that he suspected I had a boyfriend.

    The affair is mostly over now. Mostly. And as you can guess I’m not sold on sexual exclusivity.



  94.  #94Esteemed on December 18, 2011 at 4:01 am

    Ella,

    RE: #82 – I share your frustration about not being able to make it far in dating. For me I rarely get to a first date or to a second.

    I feel unpleasantly astounded at how flighty men are early in a relationship. I responded to a personals ad in craigslist yesterday, and the man wrote back that I never returned his email last month, so “good luck”. I searched my past emails, and sure enough, he had emailed me and given me his number.

    I wrote back to him, explaining that it was nothing personal, but purely technical issues. At the time, I was subscribing to the current thread on the blog, and I stopped it eventually because I was missing emails in between.

    I have yet to see if he responds.



  95.  #95Butterfly Wings on December 18, 2011 at 4:01 am

    Esteemed, I’m glad you feel understood. Although our situations are completely different, I do see some of myself in you, which is probably why I get where you’re coming from.

    I personally did not see that R had done something “wrong” the other night because he said he “might” go. Not that he definitely would. But you know him better than all of us, and you recognise his patterns. But it’s good to see you’re giving him the benefit of the doubt this time.

    Either way, your focus needs to move away from him and I think you know that.

    I totally get how hard it is because that’s one thing I’ve struggled with where TH is concerned. But you CAN do it and you don’t have to have other men in your life – just something (a hobby, girlfriends, anything!) to keep you busy and focused elsewhere.

    Friday night before last TH was out and I was totally triggered. So I visited the damnyouautocorrect website and read post after post, all night! I spent the entire night laughing, and it definitely took my focus off the icky feelings about TH being out without me. And not only that, I kind of felt like any contact from him that night was an interruption to my fun. My focus was NOT on TH during that time!

    That one night has totally turned things around with him. He has since acknowledged how good he felt about my reaction (or lack of) to him being out that night, and he’s totally stepped up since then and we’ve been inseparable.

    And YES! It’s great that we can all “let it all out” here, so our feelings don’t fester and we explode!
    xxx



  96.  #96Esteemed on December 18, 2011 at 4:23 am

    Butterfly Wings,

    Awww, thank you! It feels good to have a sister on the other side of the world, where cars travel upside down, LOL!

    That is a funny website! I’ve been there! And on my phone, I have voice recognition. That comes up with some hilarious stuff, too, sometimes!

    Yes, shifting my focus from R has been something I’ve been working on for over two years now. If he weren’t still in my life, that would have totally happened by now. But even tho it may not look like it to hear me on the blog, I’ve come a very long way. When my world was looking kinda black the last few days, I determined to have a merry Christmas anyway. And I have developed a very full life! Just to give you an idea, I have about 50 people from my church friended on facebook, and they are people I see on a regular basis.



  97.  #97Daria on December 18, 2011 at 4:28 am

    i feel guilty to say this and what i feel is disappointment

    i thought you were a man that would both excite me and treat me right and it felt so good with you at first

    and now i feel turned off scared and angered by so many things in your behavior

    i feel furious and confused and insecure

    i find myself numbing myself out and playing it cool

    i dotn ant to do that

    i feel angry

    i feel mistrustful

    and angry

    and i love me



  98.  #98Daria on December 18, 2011 at 4:33 am

    so hes acting distant, like a man friend

    yet he says, come on daria, you know when you come around im like a puppy

    i feel confused

    and dissapointed

    sad

    i kinda stood him up

    lol

    but yeah

    and then sexy cd stood me up

    well firt

    and then that one DameCD showed up outta nowhere

    and i was feelin sleepy i was at another guyfriend cd house and fell asleep



  99.  #99Esteemed on December 18, 2011 at 4:36 am

    While it remains debatable if R missing the meeting was intentional, I see new strength in me to not tolerate that kind of behavior. I see that if I had responded by pushing him away in 2009, his “pattern”, which was UNDOUBTEDLY real, would not have had the chance to perpetuate.

    So I see vast progress within myself, whether or not it shows.



  100.  #100Esteemed on December 18, 2011 at 4:38 am

    Daria,

    RE: #97 – Is that what you said to him? If so, how did he respond?



  101.  #101Butterfly wings on December 18, 2011 at 4:55 am

    96 Esteemed – yep that’s how we do it down under – upside down cars and all! 😉

    That guy who posted that on my wall is hilarious and based in the US I believe. Mind you, many would be offended by some of his posts – I just find him funny! 😀

    And yes, I love knowing I have a bunch of sisters looking out for me on the other side of the world too! 🙂

    And on that note I shall say goodnight! xxx



  102.  #102crystal eyes on December 18, 2011 at 5:01 am

    Greetings Ladies of the Blog,

    I am an old blogger come back to catch up for a bit. Ive been reading on and off , enough to keep up with you all but keeping off the keyboard for several months.

    Its great to see the Sirens here all moving along and dating smarter.

    I have had some fun times myself , including wonderful travel ,a new job,new friendships, a move and quite a few interesting men around me.

    I have clearly come to see how I personally create the experience I am “ready for” at any given time . I am so totally now getting that what I put out there is what I get back when it comes to men and dating. I see the type and quality of the men around me evolving rapidly as I go through lots of life changes.Its fascinating taking this long term view .

    When i was damaged and healing from my imaginary relationship 18 months ago ,I attracted men who were old friends and emotionally safe. Next I was ill and undergoing multiple surgeries (cancer) and I attracted high quality asexual men who were either anxious or unable (who knows?) but were PRESENT and supportive as much as they were able.

    Lately I have met new men from new locations , following my move, and the quality has been very high .I have had some great dates. And joy of joys, i FELT attraction for one new guy last week. Despite all my physical scars and trauma, I felt the HOTS kicking in . This was very exciting and reassuring to me. I am 51 years old and I feared I had lost my mojo forever.

    I have yet to move to a sexual encounter or physical relationship but I can feel my vibe actually shifting and the men are feeling it too.

    So as the type of men I am meeting and dating “evolves” , I see it as a reflection of my healing and growth. This feels amazing.

    I can now actually visualize and feel how it will be when the relationship I want actually arrives …yaayyy!



  103.  #103Senior Lady Vibe on December 18, 2011 at 5:04 am

    On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…

    …fifty-five soulmate rinnngggggs!!!

    …four calling cards…
    …three fine men…
    …two Starbucks coffees…
    …and a Rori Raye new video to see.

    “Twelve Days of Christmas”
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJXqRFwtjKQ



  104.  #104Aurora Girl on December 18, 2011 at 5:26 am

    @93 Radiance

    I agree with you….it has nothing to do with being bad or “evil” as you mentioned……

    I recall reading an article by a man who said he was married and had sexual relationships outside of his marriage…you could “hear” that he was trying to make his life work and did not want to disrupt his family or business…..it was clear that he was open with the woman he was with outside the marriage…..he contextualized it as “I need her”……..and in many ways he did……..he needed her to keep his bubble in place…his world in place because he didn’t know any other way out…….and it helped him feel better…….

    I don’t want to judge that…….I can understand it…..in fact I can actually feel compassion for the situation….do i want to put myself in that situation? no….would I want my partner to? no….I would want to find a healthier way…….not let things go under ground IF I COULD…..and sometimes it feels like there’s a loss….not knowing how……..I recall in my own marriage years ago going underground with things….I just didn’t know any other way….and yes the opportunity came up to have affairs……..only when I saw things clearly did I dig myself out……and now I can say I feel better….some battle scars…but feel better….

    Radiance sending you good vibes and clarity and understanding,…and thanking you for sharing that side of the story…
    xo



  105.  #105Aurora Girl on December 18, 2011 at 5:30 am

    102 SLV

    I love your 12 days posts! Too fun!

    I hope you are keeping well….I enjoy your posts on the blog…..!
    xo



  106.  #106Daria on December 18, 2011 at 5:34 am

    i said no to my mom in a really nice way about something i had agreed to.

    i vhose to do the fun thing for me and cancel with her. and i also apologized… for disappointing her

    it went well

    i feel awed at my bravery and feel vurious and happy thinking of all the healing changes this begins



  107.  #107lilybelly on December 18, 2011 at 5:34 am

    62:

    Oh me too, Starla.. I think it’s one of my most favorite things to do.. Home and comfy..candles burning, relaxing and sipping on a glass of wine.



  108.  #108Esteemed on December 18, 2011 at 5:37 am

    SLV,

    RE: #102 – Awww, that’s a cute 12 days of Christmas rendition! I especially like the Rori Raye one! 😆



  109.  #109Daria on December 18, 2011 at 5:39 am

    Esteemed – no but planning on it…

    i want to say it without “you” language

    i feel guilty to say i feel disappointed in YOU

    mmmf

    i feel disappointed that my fantasy of being taken care of by a strong and exciting man lover doesn’t seem to be playing out

    i feel uncomfortable talking about this

    ive felt so angry at feeling treated less than a princess and goddess and object of worship lately

    i feel needy and frustrated

    and i apologize for shutting down and not saying anything before and making sarcastic remarks and palying it cool

    (wow i never thought id be apologizing for playng it cool… what an awesome shift for me)

    i feel disappointed not to have my loving and passionate sexual lover experiences

    waaaaah

    i feel so dissapointed

    what do you think?

    yyyay its getting better



  110.  #110crystal eyes on December 18, 2011 at 5:39 am

    I am still in moderation it seems.

    Radiance , I am wondering how you would feel if your husband asked you to move to a hotel for an indefinite period ,and then took as long as he needed to begin to forgive, that he explained what he needed and wanted and set the rules for going forward? If he asked you to show by every means your commitment to him? How would that feel to you now?

    My father betrayed my mother , not once but several times late in life and I watched her sorry attempts to overcome the betrayal. It was a very unhappy outcome for her as despite all the steps she took (similar to those listed by Orna and Matthew), he betrayed her repeatedly .

    In the end he died of cancer and whilst she believed he had recommitted to her at the last, it proved to be a lie and he was seeing his lover to the bitter end and left her money in his will.

    The moral to the tale??
    A cheater will continue to cheat.

    Give them one chance only ( if fidelity is essential to you ), then delete them…whether you’ve been married 40 years or dating 4 months.

    A cheater will continue to cheat.



  111.  #111Esteemed on December 18, 2011 at 5:45 am

    I felt stuck energy trying to close in around me again with getting my new house unpacked and organized. So I said, “Just Do It!” and I just moved a heavy coffee table and matching end tables out to the front porch, took photos, and posted them for free on craigslist. They were given to me and they just don’t match my decor, plus I don’t need them, because I got some other end tables from craigslist that match.

    I am also working on gutting my 2nd bedroom in order to set it up with the “new” adjustable bed. I was feeling stuck because I had nowhere to go with the piles of boxes that were in there. Finally, I looked at the forecast and decided to just put them out in the backyard for a couple days while I get the bedroom set up! That way the stuff is out of the way so I can have space to clean and work.

    Yay for unstuck energy! My home is going to look fantastic when I’m done! I love it here!!!



  112.  #112Esteemed on December 18, 2011 at 6:28 am

    CO is emailing me this morning, basic conversation stuff like good morning, how are you. It fell dead. I sent him a smiley face. He said why did you send a smiley face. I said I didn’t feel anything to say.

    So yaawwwwn! Why do we have to go around and around in circles here? Man up, buddy! Ask me out! Am I supposed to row the boat because I turned him down for a kiss? I hate dating!!!!!



  113.  #113Mel on December 18, 2011 at 6:50 am

    Wow! I feel sooooo melty!

    I had an absolutely fabulous night with Mr. A. I hadn’t seen him for a whole week (crazy busy for both of us) and he invited me over for dinner and a sleepover.

    He had purchased my favorite beverages and dessert, bought the ingredients to make pizzas (even goat cheese mozza because I can’t eat most dairy), and got a really cool movie I had been saying I wanted to see.

    When I arrived, he gushed about how much he missed me and I could barely get my coat and boots off before we started undressing each other. LOL

    Then, after, he tells me to look in the drawer of the bedside table because he got me a xmas present and couldn’t wait to give it to me. Guess what it was? TWO TICKETS. LOL, LOL, LOL! Starla, I’m soooo glad I hadn’t purchased them yet! But now I have absolutely no idea what to get him!

    We spent the rest of the night nibbling on pizzas, snuggling, watching the movie, and chatting. I told him that he made me feel soooo special because he did all of these things just for me. He said that all he wants is to make me happy. I cheered “Success!” and gave him a big kiss. Then he said ‘Mel, you deserve to be treated like this all the time!” Ahhhhhhh…… *melt!*

    So I feel great today and so cared for and thankful that I was able to heal myself enough to open my heart to a great guy! Thanks Rori!

    Now to figure out what the heck to get him for Christmas! I’m fresh out of ideas!



  114.  #114Esteemed on December 18, 2011 at 6:55 am

    Mel,

    Wow! I feel happy with you! You give me fresh hope. 🙂



  115.  #115Lizka on December 18, 2011 at 7:05 am

    This is gonna be a great day, I can feel
    It! I will be doing stuff for me only!

    I’m gonna first have a healthy breakfast and do my 5K jog and some workout as well. And I have to start packing for my trip to Florida, I’m leaving in 1 week and I don’t think I will have time to do so this week. But this is a fun thing to do, packing bikinis and sun screens! I feel smiling just thinking of it!

    And this afternoon -I’ve been counting the days for weeks about this- with 3 girl friends, we’re going to the spa, get massages and everything. I can’t wait, really!

    And the best thing of this day!? THERE IS ONLY ONE WEEK LEFT BEFORE CHRISTMAS SIRENS!!!!!! Yay!!

    Enjoy your Sunday!!

    And PS, BW, I feel so happy for you and inspired that things just suddently shift with TH. Congrats, and yoi deserve it!! And keep the good work with yourself going! xoxo



  116.  #116Esteemed on December 18, 2011 at 7:12 am

    Lizka,

    Sounds like a dream vacation! I wish you a very happy, fun time!



  117.  #117Lizka on December 18, 2011 at 7:35 am

    Awwww thank you Esteemed! I wish you to have a great day! xoxo



  118.  #118Esteemed on December 18, 2011 at 7:43 am

    Thanks! One thing that will make it a lot happier is I just found my dogs’ bark collar! That thing works wonder, and it saves my adrenaline and my voice!



  119.  #119Mel on December 18, 2011 at 7:47 am

    Thanks Esteemed! I feel happy for you too! 🙂



  120.  #120Mel on December 18, 2011 at 7:50 am

    Wow! Get this!!

    I just got an email from him thanking ME for a fabulous night! A perfect example of how giving and pleasing is what makes guys happy. I didn’t have to do anything except be my wonderful siren self and appreciate his gifts. I could definitely get used to this!



  121.  #121Zara on December 18, 2011 at 7:52 am

    Resentment and Jealousy
    http://youtu.be/yzEa9jJ8d7Y
    Byron Katie
    case 1: “she flirts too much, she is irresponsible”
    case 2 (at minute 28) “I resent my boyfriend and his ex girl friend because they are trying to maintain intimacy”



  122.  #122Zara on December 18, 2011 at 7:54 am

    The Truth Will Set You Free
    http://media.oprah.com/video/201110/olc/webcast/20111013-olc-webcast-104b.mp4
    Oprah and Martha Beck –

    “…We think walls keep us safe and secrets are walls. The truth does not feel safe because it’s not a wall, it’s a light. It shines on everything. And if you let your light shines, people will see who you really are. But here is what will happen with them: it will also illuminate them, so their walls start to come down. Suddenly you have people sharing truth to truth. You can’t control what they think, all you can control is whether or not you shine. And the only way to shine is to tell the deepest truth you have….”

    “…and watch what happens as a result. When you first tell, it is really scary because you don’t know what the social result will be, but watch: the most genuine sincere people will come up to you and tell you: “you spoke my truth, you want to go to dinner?” and you’ll have the best friendships you ever had…”

    ”…You have to tell at least one compassionate witness about something that happened to you or you can not heal from it. The unit of biological survival is one, but the unit of emotional survival for a human is two. If you do not have at least one compassionate witness for everything that ever happens to you, you can’t heal from it…”



  123.  #123Starla on December 18, 2011 at 8:02 am

    yep, mel, that sounds about right. CF is the same way.

    I’m glad you’re in a little parallel universe to me, enjoying the same type of man I am 🙂

    Cuz it feels great!! and when it feels bad, these guys are “safe” enough for us to process our triggers and handle things in a way we’ve never done before.

    It’s win-win-win all around



  124.  #124Mel on December 18, 2011 at 8:08 am

    Starla,

    Exactly! Mr. A has been amazing whenever I have been triggered by something. But I think it’s also about how we express these triggers that makes it work. And we have Rori to thank for that!

    But now seriously! I have no idea what to get him!!!! It is super cute that we had the same idea!



  125.  #125Liz on December 18, 2011 at 8:14 am

    Mel
    I am so happy to hear that you had such a great time receiving and then he emailed you what a great time he had. Thanks for sharing your success, it is inspirational and gives me hope.

    I have been having so much fun just with myself….someone mentioned liking what they saw in a mirror…
    i think it was Dominique when she was Tinque who said she blows kisses at herself when she passes by a mirror….well, that is the best trick ever….i have just gone from blowing kisses to myself to just seeing what a hot babe i am, appreciating my smile and my blond hair and my blue eyes and i have so much more confidence when i go out, i know i radiate much more inner presence….
    this blog and site is the best, thanks Rori and Dominique and all you sirens…it’s all the little things that add up!



  126.  #126Starla on December 18, 2011 at 8:23 am

    Question, do you literally blow kisses at yourself in all reflections? I don’t want to be in public passing a big reflective window and blowing kisses at myself, omg this is super triggering to think about …



  127.  #127Mel on December 18, 2011 at 8:27 am

    Liz, (Re: blowing kisses)

    This is exactly the advice I took in the bleak winter months of last year when I happened upon this blog. Loving yourself is what makes all the difference. I am cheering you on sister!



  128.  #128Mel on December 18, 2011 at 8:29 am

    Starla,

    LOL… in public I just smile at myself. ❤



  129.  #129luzydel on December 18, 2011 at 8:57 am

    I am feeling I am changing inside…Not bad or good, just changing. I dont feel desperate to attract a man, I just let it be. I remember when it was important to get a mans atthention, now I just respond to his attention when it happens. I am not afraid to end up alone; or to not get marry again. I am open to it, but I dont need it.

    I cry, feel my feelings then for some reason, I feel stronger and less afraid of no having a man. perhaps it is because I am validating my own feelings intead of waiting for a man to do so?

    I know that if it is meant to be, I will meet a man who will be there for me, but I am not less of a woman if that doesn’t happen…



  130.  #130Radiance on December 18, 2011 at 9:35 am

    104 Aurora Girl

    Thank you for your sharing your experience and insights and kind words. I feel uplifted by your comments.

    I have read that generally affairs mean different things to men and women, and that in many/most cases once a woman has strayed it is a stepping stone to leaving the marriage. I feel like I am moving in that direction… digging myself out as you say.

    I see now that there are just so many layers of damage, even before the affair, all brought on by our lack of skill in communicating our needs, desires, feelings.

    We both lost our fathers as children, so we did not have good models or really any models for relating in a marriage. I think my EQ (Emotional Quotient) was very stunted growing up and only through therapy on and off over the years and reading and reading and reading and living life have I come around to increased self awareness and expressing myself better. With miles to go of course.



  131.  #131LILI 41 on December 18, 2011 at 9:48 am

    Thanks for sharing Mel!

    What a dream come true.

    Really inspiring!



  132.  #132laughing goddess on December 18, 2011 at 9:52 am

    I notice I am feeling really uncomfortable and unsafe here today.

    I wonder how I can turn this around?

    My first instinct is flight, but then I miss out on fulfilling aspects of the blog.

    Feeling unsafe and uncomfortable, like I need a hug.



  133.  #133Radiance on December 18, 2011 at 9:53 am

    110 crystal eyes

    There has not been acknowledgement between us that there was an affair. And I do not plan to confess to it.

    I felt triggered by the word “delete.” If my marriage comes to divorce, whether by my initiative or his, I would fully plan to remain loving toward him for the duration of my life. With a child, we will always be part of each other’s lives.

    People grow apart, change, shift. If the relationship can’t survive that, and many do not, I don’t see that it necessarily has to result in long-term bitterness. I would want to see it more as a parting of ways. It can be anything we would dream it to be. I am having a real hard time dreaming of continuing a life-long commitment right now. But for some reason(s) I am resistant to ending it. I know I will continue to shift and change.

    Rori’s tools have been invaluable for my growth. I know I have relied too heavily on the relationship for satisfaction while I really needed to be discovering my passions and pursuing them vigorously and finding joy and contentment in those and not heaping so much on the relationship.

    I feel sad for your mother’s pain and grief. And I feel grateful to you for sharing your perspective.



  134.  #134Starla on December 18, 2011 at 9:54 am

    what’s wrong laughing goddess? maybe it will help to vocalize what makes you feel bad?



  135.  #135laughing goddess on December 18, 2011 at 9:59 am

    f*ck it!

    I’m going to give myself the love that I want.

    I love you, LG. Thank you for trying to help me. Sometimes I feel embarrassed and unworthy and I try to appease that by lashing out, yet it’s nothing personal. I see that you were wanting to help.

    I feel love and appreciation for you. I know I don’t show it but I feel it deep down. I am working through my own stuff, so please don’t take it personally.

    Thank you for caring and wanting to help me.

    I believe in you
    I love you
    I see you
    I believe in you
    I would never intentionally hurt you.
    I really love you so much.

    I am pouring kindness all over you.

    Gonna keep talking this way to myself all day.

    Love you, LG!



  136.  #136laughing goddess on December 18, 2011 at 10:01 am

    Thanks Starla,

    I feel so much better after pouring love all over myself.

    Gonna ride that out for a bit.

    Thanks for asking



  137.  #137Starla on December 18, 2011 at 10:06 am

    LG,
    word.
    love,
    Starla



  138.  #138Starla on December 18, 2011 at 10:07 am

    I’m gonna follow your lead and do the same thing to myself today, thanks for the idea very very much.



  139.  #139Emerson on December 18, 2011 at 10:29 am

    #12 @ Sweetpea
    Wow thank you for posting this and sharing about your experience in this relationship.
    I especially related to this part….

    Sweetpea says:
    “I don’t feel as much shame around this as I used to. I was young and naive, hurting still from the loss of my mom. I don’t want to make excuses. For me, it was unforgivable to have dated a married man, but I’m finding forgiveness for myself. And lots of blaming myself”

    RecycledCD (who I’ve posted about lots and lots) was also married. He was “going thru a divorce” the whole time we were “together” but I discovered later that he was actually still more involved with “ex” wife than he originally led on.

    I look back and see the signs now and little hints but I chose to look the other way because I felt I *needed* the relationship between us to be *real* so badly…that I didn’t want to know. I was reeling from my own “divorce” of sorts and feeling so out of sorts from loss of the people in my life….

    Anyway regarding Recycled…it turns out he even moved back in with ex wife and was living like husband and wife with her while still seeing me. 🙁

    I found out later when he had his own place again and still gave him a chance. We had such a strong and intense connection I was not willing to cut him loose….

    Something I never ever thought I would do!!!!

    This is why I have to cut him out completely because for me that was the ultimate betrayal to myself both by me myself and I and also by him.

    I feel scared sharing this and I also feel more compassionate toward myself and not as judgmental toward myself for not catching on sooner and drawing better boundaries….

    I learned from it and that’s the most important thing to remember since I cannot change the past.

    Anyway I felt comforted reading about you experience Sweetpea and how you’re forgiving yourself….it helps to read that.
    xoxo much love to you siren,
    Emerson



  140.  #140Emerson on December 18, 2011 at 10:36 am

    The sad part is that I’ve been meeting pretty crappy quality CDs and it’s discouraging.

    I know sirens will maybe think I’m being judgmental for calling them crappy quality, but by that I mean emotionally immature men who don’t know how to communicate with me so I feel safe…

    Like OceanCD who remided me I was late for our first date so he was late the next time and told me we were now “even” and thought he was being clever/funny. YUCK! And I told him I don’t text, and he texted me to ask me out. I felt he was TESTING me a little, and that feels bad.

    I also had another CD emerge from the past who I met online and he seems to still be hung up on an ex and when I told him I don’t want to discuss past relationships and it feels good to talk about the present and the future he got really defensive and I felt unsafe.

    I also heard from CityCD who is an online guy who I never met inperson that I met way back when like a year ago…and he dropped off the face of the earth after a couple emails but so what, I really don’t care about him he has like 5 kids anyway and I have a hard time with that.

    Well I’m not sure what the message is for me…but I do know I don’t want to attract these guys who seem to be in limbo….

    but I’m a little bit in limbo here myself because I’m trying to shift my career a bit and don’t know if I will be moving…so I’m in a transition state myself…but I want to attract someone who is stable and sure of himself.

    Help I feel a bit hopeless this week and I’m tired of feeling like this and always struggling to quell it.



  141.  #141Emerson on December 18, 2011 at 11:02 am

    Sometimes I feel like I am making no progress…it seems like a circle…I start to feel better about things and then lo and behold I feel badly again and hopelessness sets in…it’s a pattern and I don’t want to keep doing it, I hate it and I feel so unstable.



  142.  #142Aurora Girl on December 18, 2011 at 11:23 am

    103 Radiance

    `miles to go`…..

    yes we all have those…..they can be good miles……easier miles……..I am not now where I use to be as long as I keep going…….

    I am in a much better place now….with a man that loves me truly……no matter what ragged, droopy feelings I have….he just accepts me that way I am and keeps reminding me I am a goddess in so many ways….I have not been use to that over the years….but here he is ….and oh it feels so good to spend time with a man who has the higher EQ….and I think I pulled him into my life because I worked on my EQ first….and worked hard……..lived and explored and warmed my heart moment by moment….. and he showed up and I was ready…..sometimes I`m tempted to push him away….but I don`t……and if I per chance start to….he reaches in and pulls me back……wow….not use to that……..

    like Mel was sharing…………men can surprise us…the right man steps up to the plate….and it feels great……..and leaning back….receiving…..staying true to our siren selves…..it so works to keep us moving in the right direction…….

    and BIG HUGE hugs to you Laughing Beautiful Goddess……LG……

    🙂



  143.  #143Alicia on December 18, 2011 at 11:24 am

    Hmmm. I feel conflicted about reading…. “he will cheat with the “same” women.

    Some men cheat with a random when they are out of town. When I was young and worked at a high end hotel Jerry Jones would get a room with a different escort on a regular basis..As well as a ton of professional athletes that see someone one night and then never again.

    I’m not sure that. “with the same women is as true as… he will FOR SURE most likely do it again” I do agree with that.



  144.  #144laughing goddess on December 18, 2011 at 11:38 am

    Thanks for the hugs, AG. Feels delicious! <3



  145.  #145VW on December 18, 2011 at 11:42 am

    Last nite I went to a masquerade ball…the group that i joined to attend to this event started early …got a hotel room…professional photographer…food, drinks…awesome …

    The ball was pretty hip …interesting costumes …and most of all the bands playing were WOW…

    LG, one of the bands reminded me of your band…I was like “hey, i kinda know these guys…:)” Was your group in Port(land, OR?

    Anyway, my feet were killing me…this place had no chairs whatsoever…that felt annoying 🙁 So, around 11 I wanted to leave cause I felt exhausted…my group was not ready to leave, so I txted a former CD (Mr. T) if he is in the area cause i needed a ride to my car…:)

    I felt amused…another CD was just txting me too about “i haven’t heard from u…since our last date…”…lol

    Anyway neither were too close by…so, I decided to take a taxi…not a biggy…

    What felt good in a way is Mr. T responded “pronto” to my message…he always does…while I appreciate it, he immediately begins to tell me how much he misses me…he wants me near him…and some other stuff…and yet, he does not “lean fwd” at all…but he appears to be available at the beck of my call…

    and he is not the only one…:(

    as if…I have to lean forward for them to feel comfortable/safe to do anything…and that part feels sooo annoying…it turns me off…which is good in a way, cause it keeps me from having sex with either one of them…

    yet, i noticed in this situations i question myself…”maybe i give them the sexual vibe only…” “maybe i am not good enough”…uhhh



  146.  #146laughing goddess on December 18, 2011 at 11:51 am

    VW, you are more than good enough. *big hugs*

    —LG, one of the bands reminded me of your band…I was like “hey, i kinda know these guys…:)” Was your group in Port(land, OR?—

    No, I woulda hit you up 🙂

    I think I know what band you are talking about…March Forth, maybe?



  147.  #147mali on December 18, 2011 at 11:51 am

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7BQRGXFLJs

    Because I feel Prettyyyy! 😀



  148.  #148VW on December 18, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    LG:

    Hmm…i think so…I don’t have the flyer no more…:)

    Yes, please do if in the area 🙂

    warm hugs,



  149.  #149Ella on December 18, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    Emerson re 140,

    I wonder if you can shift this…

    What about these men can you appreciate??

    There must be something.

    And go from there.

    I have lots of men in my rotatation and they all have different qualities, and I know when I appreciate those qualities the men transform and treat me really well, even the frogs and the flakes… and/or, new better men show up.

    xoxox



  150.  #150VW on December 18, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    Zara #121 and @#122

    Thank you soooo much for sharing these videos 🙂 Amazing!

    warm hugs,



  151.  #151Daria on December 18, 2011 at 2:22 pm

    I feel weak i love me weak feeling.

    I feel heavy in my as legs head I love my heaviness



  152.  #152Starla on December 18, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    feelin blessed and happy and balanced:)



  153.  #153Emerson on December 18, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    149 Ella that’s good advice I will try it



  154.  #154ulii on December 18, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    RE Mali 147
    Nice, Mali! I have always liked that song! 🙂



  155.  #155ulii on December 18, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    Well,

    I have been chatting with PilotCD all week and seems we are not going to see each-other before Christmas, as he is going to spend the Holidays with his family to his country and we haven’t been capable to fit a date to our schedules yet. I have tried not to lean forward and have not suggested possible less usual meeting times like morning-coffee, etc. Willing that he would use his imagination. Not happened yet. 🙂

    He is really nice to chat with though. All polite and mature. I am a bit worried about chatting too much and have told him i would prefer real meeting. He says, him too. So we are definitely going to meet just after he gets back. He’s also very good looking (from the photos). But, …!! I found out he’s only 5 cm taller than me. And I’m quite small myself. I don’t want to feel I am superficial, but it is a big deal to me.
    My ex M was also only little taller than me and that was partially the reason I lose the attraction to him. I have been yearning for a bigger man for me. A big and manly man. Should I meet this guy even, if I already know him being “too small” will be a constant issue for me? What do you think, Sirens?

    There was a EnglishmanCD I met in a party who full-filled that quality, but I have not heard from him too much lately. He “poofed” after 2 weeks of intense texting and mailing and wanting to come to see me again. Well, there still are some occasional e-mails, telling “I have not forgotten about you. Maybe I should call you?” To which I answer: “I miss you. It would feel great to hear from you!” And then nothing, no call. Until another similar e-mail the next week. Probably should forget about him.

    Yesterday evening I went to a theater-play with my grandmother. Really nice show and I like to be with my grandmother. But later I felt sad. She went to her home and I was left alone. Looking all pretty and lovely, but nobody to meet with and have a wine Saturday evening. All my girlfriends are married & with little children or abroad. All my guy friends are married & with little children, abroad or have girlfriends who wouldn’t like them to hang out with me. Sometimes I would go on my own and would feel great anyway, but yesterday I just felt sad and lonely. I couldn’t help thinking if there something wrong with me? I think I look nice. I definitely notice there is lots of initial attention from men if I go out somewhere. But I guess I´m too shy. I have not yet managed to do the 5 second look -tool, even not 3 seconds. And if someone talks to me I cut them off somehow. Turn away or say some strange comment. Can’t help myself sometimes.

    And my ex M called me in Skype after really long time. I’m not contacting him at all, so he is making some little moves like texts and occasional short mails and now the call. The connection was bad, and the microphone had problems so he couldn’t hear me well. We had to leave it for another time. But he sent a mail to me telling how frustrated it felt and in bad mood he feels now. Saying also that if it’s like that, he’d rather not talk. I felt he is blaming me for not having a good enough microphone or connection. Anyhow, it feels it’s all about his feelings mostly. I feel tired of this.

    Sorry for a long post. Just had to let it out.
    Thank you for being here!!



  156.  #156Liz on December 18, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    Hi,
    The christmas tree is up.
    When I am out in public, I just smile at myself. You know, love yourself all kinds of ways….sometimes I dance for myself in the mirror…..i can really move my hips!!!!!
    Well, have a great night, siren island.
    Off to get my beauty rest.



  157.  #157Hopeful on December 18, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    Radiance – I read your post in the last blog about Skoal and thought, there has got to be something more. I am happy to see you post the real stuff today. That feels so much more authentic to me. Glad to see it.



  158.  #158Hopeful on December 18, 2011 at 6:59 pm

    Esteemed – Please read this with the kindness that it is intended. I think we as women often take too much crap from a man, just because we want to hang onto a man so much. And then we feel the need to set some boundaries, which is how I saw your text to him. You did keep it short, which was huge progress. Good for you. Setting boundaries is really important in helping us tell men which was we will be treated.

    When I read it the first time, It really sounded like an attack to me. And in the end you learned that him not being there was not about you. It was about him. I wonder if next time it might be beneficial for you to express your feelings of sadness, and find out what went wrong before jumping to conclusions.

    Just my opinion. It takes a long time to learn this stuff, but I can see that you are working on it. I wish you all the best.



  159.  #159Hopeful on December 18, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    I read an article in the paper yesterday from an animal expert who was trying to explain a method about how to get a cat to stop doing its thing outside the litter box.

    The jist of the article was that you should never assume that the pet is doing it on purpose to be mean, or out of spite. Cats do not have that cognitive ability. Instead, cats see the new place to “go” as a “new opportunity”, a new place to “go” that is not the same old place. Changing the behavior should be seen as “training” and you should never punish the cat or yell at it.

    Sorta made me think about how we think good men do things that bug us on purpose, when they are really just being themselves and putting themselves first, which comes so naturally to men. And often seems selfish to us. I kinda wish that I had that innate ability to always put myself first. How freeing would that be?

    Anyway, reading the article gave me a new perspective on thinking about the things good men do that bug us. And yes, if you are with a guy long enough, he really does know how to push your buttons. And bad boys are just bad boys, so this thinking does not apply to these situations.

    I guess my point here is that sometimes – (repeat sometimes) when we are expressing our feelings of sadness/anger about something a guy did, sometimes maybe he is not doing it on purpose to hurt us. He is just being a guy.

    Anyway, food for thought.



  160.  #160Butterfly wings on December 18, 2011 at 7:46 pm

    159 Hopeful – I totally agree with you and Rori has written articles to that effect, saying that guys do what they want to. It’s just up to us to decide if we want that in our lives.

    It’s a good way of thinking. And it prevents us taking their actions as personal attacks or rejections!



  161.  #161tenny on December 18, 2011 at 8:09 pm

    @ hopeful #159

    you have made a good point!



  162.  #162Starla on December 18, 2011 at 8:13 pm

    i leaned forward big time. asked CF to come over to take me out for pizza. He said he’s an hour away but coming. Which mans he’s obviously into giving me what I want and making me happy.

    But I only leaned so far forward because I was drinking. I mean just a glass or two of wine but it always makes me lean forward.

    blah.

    and i’m looking forward to seeing my man:)



  163.  #163Emerson on December 18, 2011 at 8:18 pm

    155 Ulli…hugs to you…the holidays are a difficult time of year sometimes….I’ve been feeling a lil bit lonely too and just trying to imagine the type of man I want to be with…I keep visualizing it…and meanwhile job hunting, looking online to brainstorm cute outfits to CD myself in, and doing my nails or taking care of myself somehow…

    I still feel sad and cry sometimes and lately I have just been letting it out…but I know what you mean to find yourself at home by yourself and wanting some company to share a glass of wine or coffee with…but all are married off or in another life….I can so relate to that…

    I know it’s hard to do the 5 second look! There are times when I can do it and times when I just cannot…it is not easy.

    Keep practicing though! I just smile and then look away…it’s really really hard sometimes though especially if the guy is cute!!!

    One of my friends keeps trying to set me up, it’s cute and kinda funny. Sometimes I feel a lil akward about it but I’m just going with it. It is nice that people care.



  164.  #164Butterfly wings on December 18, 2011 at 8:26 pm

    Hey Emerson! Have you tried doing the 5 second look with sunglasses on?? I find I feel a little “safer” doing it that way.

    I still get good reactions too – I suppose they can still see the slight smile! 😉

    Hugs to those of you who haven’t yet met their man… He’s on his way in sure, and what that means is that next Christmas will be even more special. xxx

    I remember one year my parents must’ve felt so sorry for me that they were trying to set me up with my sister’s ex! Ewww!

    And this Christmas 10 years ago I was totally alone. My grandmother had died, my parents were away and my daughter was with her father. Worst Christmas ever.



  165.  #165Butterfly wings on December 18, 2011 at 8:28 pm

    Still not sure if TH is “the one” but he’s definitely a good “for now” now that things are so good with us.

    Time will tell I suppose…



  166.  #166Emerson on December 18, 2011 at 8:31 pm

    BW!! I have NOT tried it with sunglasses on but what a good idea!!! hee hee I feel excited!!



  167.  #167T-Girl on December 18, 2011 at 8:40 pm

    I noticed something about myself last night with my guy. I feel weird when he tells me thank you. I wonder why I feel that way?



  168.  #168Butterfly wings on December 18, 2011 at 8:40 pm

    Hehe! Be sure to tell us how it goes for you! 😉

    I definitely feel “safer” behind my sunnies and on days when I’m feeling more confident I take them off! 🙂



  169.  #169Starla on December 18, 2011 at 9:07 pm

    t girl, i feel very masculine energy when i say “you are welcome,” i sorta know what you mean…



  170.  #170Sweetpea on December 18, 2011 at 9:47 pm

    Emerson @ 139,

    Awww…much love back to you, Emerson.

    It’s been twelve years since I split with my ex-f and I’m just now beginning to realize how I’ve been blaming myself and how much it’s affected my life up to now. You’re way ahead of the game, Siren (compared to me). 😉

    Sorry to hear you went through this. I swore I would never date a married man just a few months before I started dating him. We were together for give years. (Ugh)!

    He left his wife and we were happy for awhile…I just didn’t realize until recently that it wasn’t him I needed to forgive – it was myself.

    Thanks for sharing. It felt really difficult and embarrassing to share that part of myself. I feel ever so grateful that it helped you for me to do so.

    xoxo



  171.  #171Sweetpea on December 18, 2011 at 10:04 pm

    Emerson @ 140,

    I find that, as Rori says, we do attract mirrors much of the time.

    What struck me as I was reading that though, is not so much that you’re in limbo, as I’m sensing what you spoke of in the post above:

    “Something I never ever thought I would do!!!!

    This is why I have to cut him out completely because for me that was the ultimate betrayal to myself both by me myself and I and also by him.”

    Self forgiveness….It’s tough I know, and even though I hadn’t completely forgiven myself for it, I still attracted a fantastic guy. But mine was buried under so many layers that I wasn’t even aware of it, so probably wouldn’t have come up until later, had I not stumbled upon it.

    Does that resonate with you at all? Or make sense?



  172.  #172Laughing Goddess on December 18, 2011 at 10:15 pm

    Cool, I’m finding all these new (for me) articles from Rori off-site.

    Get Your Man By BRIDGING To A Real Relationship

    Have you ever felt so tied into one man that you felt almost trapped?

    Where you don’t know what he’s thinking, or what kind of relationship you’re really in, but you’ve already invested so much time and so much of your heart in him you can’t even think about breaking up without feeling terrified?

    And no matter what you do, he keeps you dangling – being loving and sweet one moment, and then distant and cold the next?

    If you’ve ever felt always on edge in a,situation like this with a man, you’re not only not alone, most of us have found ourselves in relationships with men where it’s soooo good when it’s good, and soooo bad when it’s bad.

    I remember always wanting so much more than a man wanted to give.

    It never crossed my mind that he just wasn’t able to give, or even that he just wasn’t right nfor me, and so he didn’t want to give.

    I just kept thinking this was the way relationships had always been and were alwaysm going to be.

    I was resigned to thinking and feeling that I’d never know where I really stood with a man.

    That I’d never know where a relationship was going, or what exactly was wrong.

    It just seemed like that was my luck.

    It felt like it was my destiny to always be not-quite number one in a man’s life.

    I saw other women have better luck, but I assumed it was because of the way they looked or acted.

    I watched helplessly as bitchy, demanding ex-girlfriends and ex-wives still had a hold over my boyfriends.

    I figured that “wondering” what was going on with a man was how relationships worked.

    I never realized that if all this was going on, if I was always insecure and confused – I WASN’T IN A RELATIONSHIP AT ALL!

    At least not one deserving of the name “Relationship.”

    I was doing “something” with a man, but it wasn’t relationship.

    I see now that I was “dating” him, or having an “affair” or a “fling” or a “friendship with benefits” with him.

    But, since I had no real idea what a REAL RELATIONSHIP looked like, other than the tension- filled marriage of my parents, I always thought ANYTIME I was with a man more than three times and was sleeping with him, I was in a real relationship.

    Looking back, all this is what kept me stuck IN “half-relationships” that never worked out for me.

    Only now, after years of helping and coaching women one-on-one, I’ve learned that this isn’t just unique to me. It’s something tons of other smart, caring, beautiful women experience and have dealt with.

    But here’s the strangest part – even though this “something” is so common, no one’s really talking about it.

    Well, after taking a long hard look at what this situation was really about for me as a woman and how it affects so many other women, and asking myself WHY is this happening so often for women with men out in the world, I came to an amazing and important realization –

    There’s something going on in-between those first few meetings with a man where you tell yourself you’re “dating,” and that secure, confident, loving space where you’re sure of your relationship and the man you’re with.

    It’s a period of time most of us just don’t talk or think about with a man where you’re very VULNERABLE.

    Because on the inside, you really feel like you ARE in a RELATIONSHIP with a man, but on the outside,there’s no real “commitment” or promise on a physical or emotional level.

    And this period of time holds a whole lot of UNCERTAINTY for you as a woman, as it did for me. In fact, this situation is EMOTIONALLY TERRIFYING.

    And it’s in this uncertain “something” stage where most of us let our own fears and worries get the best of us.

    And then the fears and worries start to take over, and that’s when we make the big mistakes in a relationship that accidentally push our man away.

    This entire situation is what I now call THE IMAGINARY RELATIONSHIP.



  173.  #173Laughing Goddess on December 18, 2011 at 10:16 pm

    Cool, I’m finding all these new (for me) articles from Rori off-site.

    Get Your Man By BRIDGING To A Real Relationship

    Have you ever felt so tied into one man that you felt almost trapped?

    Where you don’t know what he’s thinking, or what kind of relationship you’re really in, but you’ve already invested so much time and so much of your heart in him you can’t even think about breaking up without feeling terrified?

    And no matter what you do, he keeps you dangling – being loving and sweet one moment, and then distant and cold the next?

    If you’ve ever felt always on edge in a,situation like this with a man, you’re not only not alone, most of us have found ourselves in relationships with men where it’s soooo good when it’s good, and soooo bad when it’s bad.

    I remember always wanting so much more than a man wanted to give.

    It never crossed my mind that he just wasn’t able to give, or even that he just wasn’t right nfor me, and so he didn’t want to give.

    I just kept thinking this was the way relationships had always been and were alwaysm going to be.

    I was resigned to thinking and feeling that I’d never know where I really stood with a man.

    That I’d never know where a relationship was going, or what exactly was wrong.

    It just seemed like that was my luck.

    It felt like it was my destiny to always be not-quite number one in a man’s life.

    I saw other women have better luck, but I assumed it was because of the way they looked or acted.

    I watched helplessly as b*tchy, demanding ex-girlfriends and ex-wives still had a hold over my boyfriends.

    I figured that “wondering” what was going on with a man was how relationships worked.

    I never realized that if all this was going on, if I was always insecure and confused – I WASN’T IN A RELATIONSHIP AT ALL!

    At least not one deserving of the name “Relationship.”

    I was doing “something” with a man, but it wasn’t relationship.

    I see now that I was “dating” him, or having an “affair” or a “fling” or a “friendship with benefits” with him.

    But, since I had no real idea what a REAL RELATIONSHIP looked like, other than the tension- filled marriage of my parents, I always thought ANYTIME I was with a man more than three times and was sleeping with him, I was in a real relationship.

    Looking back, all this is what kept me stuck IN “half-relationships” that never worked out for me.

    Only now, after years of helping and coaching women one-on-one, I’ve learned that this isn’t just unique to me. It’s something tons of other smart, caring, beautiful women experience and have dealt with.

    But here’s the strangest part – even though this “something” is so common, no one’s really talking about it.

    Well, after taking a long hard look at what this situation was really about for me as a woman and how it affects so many other women, and asking myself WHY is this happening so often for women with men out in the world, I came to an amazing and important realization –

    There’s something going on in-between those first few meetings with a man where you tell yourself you’re “dating,” and that secure, confident, loving space where you’re sure of your relationship and the man you’re with.

    It’s a period of time most of us just don’t talk or think about with a man where you’re very VULNERABLE.

    Because on the inside, you really feel like you ARE in a RELATIONSHIP with a man, but on the outside,there’s no real “commitment” or promise on a physical or emotional level.

    And this period of time holds a whole lot of UNCERTAINTY for you as a woman, as it did for me. In fact, this situation is EMOTIONALLY TERRIFYING.

    And it’s in this uncertain “something” stage where most of us let our own fears and worries get the best of us.

    And then the fears and worries start to take over, and that’s when we make the big mistakes in a relationship that accidentally push our man away.

    This entire situation is what I now call THE IMAGINARY RELATIONSHIP.



  174.  #174Laughing Goddess on December 18, 2011 at 10:18 pm


  175.  #175Sweetpea on December 18, 2011 at 10:36 pm

    LG @ 173,

    Wow!!!

    Been there. Done that. Burned the t-shirt…

    No more I say.

    Heehee



  176.  #176Esteemed on December 18, 2011 at 11:06 pm

    Guess whaaaaaaaaaaaat??!!??!!

    You know the part of Rori’s Mantra that says, “Be Surprised”?

    LOL, I just spent 1.5 hours on the phone with R! It was totally wonderful! He opened up to me as he hasn’t in a very long time! He told me he feels closer to me now than he felt in the first few months of our dating relationship, when things were going so well!

    He invited me to talk openly and deeply, and he shared openly and deeply! I feel amazed, astounded, moved, touched, and so, so happy!

    This is an unexpected turn! I don’t know if he is moving in the direction of anything beyond friendship, but I am just going to enjoy the ride, because I love him more than any man I ever met! One step at a time!

    Thank you, each of you, who really gave to me of your hearts and souls in my turmoil over him this past week and this past couple years. I really found a lot of healing this past week, whether or not it showed.

    I feel so happy!!! Nighty night!



  177.  #177Starla on December 18, 2011 at 11:17 pm

    it’s really nice that when i lean forward to hang out, CF acts like it was his idea when he gets here. anyway we ate pizza and it was a wonderful time. he brought me a nice gift out of the blue, something i wanted.



  178.  #178laughing goddess on December 18, 2011 at 11:52 pm

    Esteemed, part of me feels so happy for you

    and part of me feels confused.

    Just were saying that he is evil and machiavellian.

    I feel really uncomfortable hearing that a fellow siren is falling under the spell of a man who has bad intentions towards her.

    I feel confuzzled and conundrumfied.

    What would you recommend I do in this situation?



  179.  #179laughing goddess on December 18, 2011 at 11:57 pm

    What would you recommend I do in this situation?

    That’s a genuine question.

    I feel concerned that my perspective hasn’t been considered helpful and I feel open to another approach.

    I’d like to know how I can be helpful and supportive to you while still being honest and real and true to who I am.



  180.  #180laughing goddess on December 19, 2011 at 12:03 am

    Starla: It sounds like you point in the direction you want to go sometimes and he is more than happy to row you there.

    That feels like a nice balance to me.



  181.  #181Butterfly Wings on December 19, 2011 at 1:45 am

    177 LG – I’m kind of with you, but I feel more wary than confused.

    And I can see the same pattern I had before I took my 100% focus off TH. (as you all probably remember, my happiness/sadness totally depended on him and what he was doing or not doing).

    So my advice to somebody in this situation is to continue to be surprised (as you obviously are Esteemed! xxx), but the focus still needs to move away from him and on to you!

    Like I did the other night, rather than focus on the icky feelings I had because he was out without me, I totally moved that focus to that silly website. And I spent my entire night laughing like an idiot! Best thing ever! 😀

    That one night alone has totally transformed my relationship with TH, and what’s interesting is that I’m still not nearly as focused on him now as I was two weeks ago.

    This time I’ve not fallen into my old patterns (which I kind of see in you Esteemed) and putting my total focus on him when he’s being nice!

    So yeah. CD as much as possible, even if that means CDing yourself!



  182.  #182Butterfly Wings on December 19, 2011 at 1:50 am

    I had a really icky morning this morning.

    Ex #2 and I were yet to finalise our arrangements around Christmas day with my youngest, and we ended up having an argument on the phone, and I started crying, and it just felt awful!

    One of the girls saw I was upset and we went for a walk so I could calm down. Ick.

    Anyway, I ended up emailing my ex with an alternative (which still means things are NOT in my favour – but at least a better arrangement than before), and thankfully he agreed. Sigh….

    This was so hard probably because it is our first Christmas not living in the same house. But sheesh!

    Glad we got it all sorted though and TH was supportive, trying to point out the positives, which was nice…

    Meanwhile I cancelled the date with ex coworker and I was supposed to meet a friend tonight too, but I couldn’t get in touch with her.

    I felt so overwhelmed this morning and just wanted to clear this week so I could finalise my Christmas shopping and RELAX!!! I have a week and a half off work too, starting this weekend and I am soooo looking forward to the break!



  183.  #183Aurora Girl on December 19, 2011 at 2:40 am

    Esteemed

    Dearest siren….I am with BW and LG….confused and worried that there are expectations that get set up when this type of interaction happens (we`re happy because we have a surprising interaction with someone we`re attracted to, or in love with and not in a full relationship with) and the expectations rise and then get hit and there`s a fall. It looks and feels like a cycle of ups and downs….has an addictive quality to it……I can relate to the feeling..I think we all can………

    But the CDing really helps….focusing on ourselves first and foremost and keeping it light……exploring….letting go of outcome….staying on the horse….you do so well and sound so happy when you focus on your home….your successes…….

    Want to support you siren……
    xo



  184.  #184Aurora Girl on December 19, 2011 at 2:44 am

    Good morning BW (or good evening for you!)

    I was sad when I read your tug of war with your child`s father……I was glad to hear TH was supportive……I can relate to the goings on about the holidays and access schedules……it takes some adjusting doesn`t it….and I find my heart strings get a tug…..I have 3 children….and the holiday scheduling always makes me anxious if their father becomes abrasive….but I have put in some good boundaries which make it easier…..only do it by email…try to stick to the schedule and stay away from blamey stuff…….

    I have to think of the holidays as 2 weeks long so I don`t get hung up on who`s where on Christmas day or New Year`s eve etc……I get sad when I think that my children won`t be with me New Year`s eve for example…but opening the perspective helps…..

    Anyway maybe all of that doesn`t relate to you…but maybe some does….wanted to send you good vibes to help your night end on a good note for tomorrow!



  185.  #185T-Girl on December 19, 2011 at 4:31 am

    Starla, that must be it. It does feel very masculine to say you are welcome.



  186.  #186Daria on December 19, 2011 at 4:43 am

    just got back from another cd where we watched movies and napped

    i felt a bit lonely

    i was kinda closed down…

    i miss exciting CDs well also relaxing, like the ones my body would relax in their presence like SecurityMan

    also SexyCD stood me up yesterday

    i stood up NohCD and had a missed call from him

    and a whole buncha other numbers but no messages

    except from 2 cds who im not super into

    will call them back later



  187.  #187ulii on December 19, 2011 at 5:02 am

    RE: Emerson 163

    Thanks for the hugs, Emerson!! Hugs back too! It feels good to hear you can relate to my situation. 🙂

    RE: Butterfly Wings 164
    I do feel much safer with sunglasses. I should try practicing the look with them. Although it takes few months until we’ll have some sunlight here in this part of the world, seems. 🙂



  188.  #188Daria on December 19, 2011 at 5:18 am

    Thank you Daria for brushing my teeth

    Thank you for getting me water

    Thank u for setting up my guest room space

    Thank you for closing off the dry air

    Thank you for taking me out for fun stuff

    Thank you for asking for food

    Thank you for feeling my feelings

    I feel like my chest is stepped on

    Thank you

    Thank you for uploading my iPod

    Thank you for washing me

    Thank you for cutting my nails



  189.  #189ulii on December 19, 2011 at 5:23 am

    I found out that my ex M was not angry at me, because of the bad communication quality (technical) we had over Skype yesterday night. He was just mad about the situation. Although I do feel a bit better knowing it, it’s still really triggering for me when men get all over emotional about whatever little adversity.

    Then I feel i am obligated to be the strong one, to – kind of – be the man in the relationship. I feel that I am not allowed to have my emotions about whatever had happened, because he is the one expressing them. I get angry, mad although often I shut this down inside me, and then I get bitter and resentful. And lose my attraction to them.

    Actually, I have felt that I have to be the strong and “brainy” one all my life in my family. No emotions allowed, specially negative. Being the older sister (with 3 younger ones) and with a dominating and quite emotionally unstable mother who allows herself every outburst she wants & conformist conflict-phobic father. I learned to be all about logic and thinking. So this all this “Being a Siren” thing is a huge task for me. Really.

    I do get triggered with emotional men as they seem weak to me and I feel I’m pushed into my mothers role. I know I have a lot of healing to do around this.

    So blessed be this site!



  190.  #190Lizka on December 19, 2011 at 5:24 am

    Yay! It’s snowing here! Finaly! This makes me feel all happy and comfortable! Wish I didn’t had to go to work and I could stay in the blankets with my dog and watch the snow. Awwww

    But I’m still happy to go work because I’m getting more comfortable with my coworkers. On Thursday, one on the two mean girl even apologize and propose that we discuss on why we’re not talkig and even that we be friend! I’m super happy with that and I thought of it all weekend and I feel really real releived. We both agreed that we are the two girls in the office that looks alike the most. We’re the youngest and have the same life style – both single gals (she has a bf but he lives in the US so she pretty much lives like she’s single), both in a party mood, both dressed very fashionable, both in the top performers at work. So it’s a fun thing that we decided to stop the war. I feel very excited about going to work now!

    And I had a very nice day at the spa with my girl friends yesterday. Good massages and 3 hours in the sauna and the baths! I feel sooooo relaxed!

    I feel amazed that for the last two weeks I haven’t focus that much on man in particular. I think this haven’t happen to me in years! I could do better but this is such a progress for me and I feek so surprised that it happenes like that, just like magic… Wow!

    So this is my last week at work before two weeks vacation and I already feel like in a vacation mood. On lunch time I will go finish my Christmas gifts and at night will start packing for my trip. And than, I should definitly feel in a holiday mood! This weeks feels promising!

    Happy last-week-before-Christmas Sirens!!!

    xoxo



  191.  #191Daria on December 19, 2011 at 5:24 am

    Thank you Daria for expressing your feelings and what you don’t want in such a clear feeling way to nohCD

    I don’t want to feel like a friend, I want to be pursued romantically .

    Thank you for healing the attraction around sexycd and the bad behavior. Thank. You for expressing what I don’t want so clearly.

    I don’t want to feel like a bootycall or date a man who doesn’t want to take me out or see me regularly.

    Thank you for expressing what I don’t Wang to LoverCD. I song want to feel connected and then not see a man for a long time.

    Thank you for attracting wonderful men that are attentive skilled and romantic lovers that feel good to me to make love to me .

    Thank you for loving me all through this.



  192.  #192Daria on December 19, 2011 at 5:28 am

    I feel so good that they’re all awake at this time and calling to apologize for the bad treatment and to set up something definite where they can worship me and let me know their plans for making me feel good.



  193.  #193Lizka on December 19, 2011 at 5:32 am

    I definitly need to practice making eyes contacts with strangers. I just had a situation in the metro where a guy is staring at me and I felt it and in my head I was like “Go lizka, eyes contact and 5 second smile” and I just couldn’t because I was judging him at being too small, not well dressed, not my type, too young, etc. I know I should have accept it and just smile but I couldn’t do it. This week I will practice this. Today, I will make 3 eyes contacts with stranger. It’s my objective.

    Dies any of you has a trick on minding yourself to do so when you feel stupid making eyes contact? What do you think or what do you tell yourself. I feel curious… Does that kind of situation happens to you as well?



  194.  #194ulii on December 19, 2011 at 5:38 am

    193 RE Lizka

    Yes, exactly the same. I don’t have a trick yet. Butterfly Wings just recommended few comments up to try to do it with sunglasses. 🙂

    And nice it’s snowing where you are. I would like to have some snow here too, please (northeastern Europe)! Up to now it has been weeks of gray dark skies and cold rain. I would like some snow to have the real Christmas -feeling.

    Great to hear about your quick progressing as a Siren, Lizka.. concentrating on yourself and doing so fine at your job! 🙂



  195.  #195ulii on December 19, 2011 at 5:40 am

    sry, meant 192



  196.  #196ulii on December 19, 2011 at 5:52 am

    RE Daria 190

    “I don’t want to feel like a friend, I want to be pursued romantically . ”

    “I don’t want to feel like a bootycall or date a man who doesn’t want to take me out or see me regularly.”

    I feel impressed by your short, simple and clear feeling messages!

    I am still feeling afraid to put like that. I guess, I’m too attached to the outcome if it’s somebody I really like. And I am still afraid thinking that the man might go a way and leave me completely alone. Although, I’m starting to feel more relaxed about it. The fear is even more an habit than a real one. Because I can feel great on my own too.



  197.  #197Mochaberri on December 19, 2011 at 5:54 am

    From previous thread:

    @ Dominique #298 – yes that does help!!
    I feel an aha moment coming on…so what I hear you saying is that when my man asks me what I want to do I can now say be “it would feel so good to……”



  198.  #198Radiance on December 19, 2011 at 5:55 am

    142 Aurora Girl



  199.  #199Radiance on December 19, 2011 at 5:57 am

    142 Aurora Girl

    oops, hit the wrong key there.

    It feels lovely to read about your situation. Thank you for sharing.



  200.  #200Radiance on December 19, 2011 at 6:16 am

    157 Hopeful

    “Radiance – I read your post in the last blog about Skoal and thought, there has got to be something more. I am happy to see you post the real stuff today. That feels so much more authentic to me. Glad to see it.”

    At first I felt supported by your comment. Then I felt judged.

    I feel defensive about feeling judged. I feel mad. I feel unheard. I feel sad. I feel like my truth was stepped on.

    My feelings about my partner’s tobacco use are real and authentic to me. My comments about my partner’s tobacco use were stirred up by another Siren’s comments about smoking and other Sirens’ recent comments about their men’s scents. So I posted those comments about his skoal use and his scent.

    My comments to this post about the affair and some of the background were stirred up by the original post about Overcoming Betrayal.

    I feel that it is impossible to completely represent a 20+ year relationship in a few paragraphs. Thus it has to be a gradual revealing. And the initial comments, putting the toes in the water, can be and are just as authentic and real as the meatier more revealing ones.

    I feel yucky about wanting to defend myself here.

    I feel weird.

    I feel ambivalent.

    I feel empathy toward hopeful.

    I suspect you were simply trying to be supportive. And I feel worried that you will judge me harshly for defending myself. Or that you will feel hurt or embarrassed.

    I do not want to stuff my feelings though. I have been stuffing my feelings for years and years and years.

    I have kind of been waiting for something on the blog to trigger me. So I feel happy to have a trigger to give me this chance to express emotions that scare me sometimes.

    I feel gratitude to hopeful for engaging me.

    I feel smiley.

    I feel heard now.

    I feel important.

    I love me. I love my feelings. I love who I am right now. I love who I am becoming.



  201.  #201Lizka on December 19, 2011 at 6:44 am

    Re 193 Ulii

    I will try with sunglasses, but in the metro it’s kind of weird, hehe!

    North eastern Europe? Wondering where you are from? Russia? You don’t have to tell me if you feel uncomfortable. Just wanted to say that I have a very strong cultural interest for Eastern Europe. I studied histoty at University and my major was in Russia and Easter Countries, and russian language as well.. I have a lot of Russian (And from everywhere in old USSR as well) and most of my ex boyfriends are Russians. Most of my actual CDs too (E, DjCD, S, SpainCD…).

    And my name is translation of my real name in russian. That’s how my friends call me and I love hearing them calling me Lizka. It feels warm and comfortable.

    I love Eastern Europe! Might visit next summer. It’s my life dream. 🙂 you are so lucky!



  202.  #202tenny on December 19, 2011 at 6:44 am

    Being Safe!

    I was watching some of Rori’s programs after talking with a friend about leaning back. We talked about walking away to be safe. We talked about keeping your heart unzipped all the time to be safe. In hindsight, looking at my past (pre-siren) experiences, I can see where leaning back and stepping away would have kept me safe. I see where I went wrong leaning forward. I see where my boy energy got all mixed up into a man’s energy. The confusion between being strongly attracted to my female energy . . . and I see how I tried (and failed) to protect myself back then. I’ve got it together now, and I feel safe. Thanks Rori!



  203.  #203tenny on December 19, 2011 at 6:47 am

    BW Ulii & Lizka:

    Add me on to the sunglasses idea!! I love it, going to try that this week!!



  204.  #204Mochaberri on December 19, 2011 at 7:04 am

    @ Daria #190 – I love those statements!! I feel the strength and power of them. They are honest and authentic and concise.

    Will have to add to my collection of statements



  205.  #205Hopeful on December 19, 2011 at 7:18 am

    Radiance.

    Despite how my comment might have triggered you, I expressed my comment purely from the spirit of support. Good luck with your journey.



  206.  #206ulii on December 19, 2011 at 7:32 am

    RE 200
    Lizka,
    I feel noticed and all good that you are interested. 🙂 I do love your name! Actually my best girlfriend lets herself to be called exactly the same. That’s quite a coincidence.

    I´m from Estonia, a tiny ex-USSR country. Now independent again and part of European Union. I did live in Spain last 6 years and my ex boyfriend is from there. Now I´m back home for about 3 months finishing some studies and working same time as a travel agent. I don’t really feel uncomfortable about you Sirens knowing about me. But I have a little irrational fear of my ex or new potential CD-s coming on this site and reading what I write. As I guess there are not many Estonians here, I feel they just would know so easily, it’s me. I know it’s not very likely. 🙂 So I think it’s time to relax about it.

    Although my culture and language is quite different from Russian (more similar to the Scandinavian countries) and there is some historical controversy with this theme in my country, as the Soviet Union is mostly seen as an occupier as well as Russia being it’s descendant. I do love Russian language and culture a lot. I admire its great artists, writers and composers and the beautiful big country they have and lots of people with big good hearts. Here in Estonia about one third of people are of Russian origin and Russian speakers. I know the language a little bit, although less than I would like to, as I have been living big part of my life abroad and it’s quite a difficult language if you are not in everyday contact with its speakers.

    It is interesting to read about you Lizka. And it makes me glad to know you have studied about Eastern Europe. 🙂 I am not writing here too often – lot of work and studies usually, and also feeling a bit unsecure for giving comments or advice as I feel i´m only a beginner here -…but I try to be reading more or less regularly to keep myself on track with everybody’s lives. So I remember you coming on this site not long time ago, and i feel a big and quick change happening with you and that you are on a way of becoming a wonderful siren. 🙂

    So Lizka, I have understood, you are in Canada? In French-speaking part?

    Hugs to you Lizka!! 🙂



  207.  #207Lizka on December 19, 2011 at 8:23 am

    Re 205 Ulii

    Awww I feel happy that we have something in common. Even thought my major is really more about Russian culture, I am interested in all countries of Ex USSR and I feel compasionate about the “occupier” thing since here in Quebec (french part of Canada), we kind of feel the same way regarding English Canadians (Love you Aurora Girl) and other Canadians if their are here on this blog). I don’t know that much about Estonia but if one day I can live my dream and go to Eastern Europe, I want to visit all these north baltic countries.

    Thank you for cheering me up about the siren thing and yes, even if I still feel like a beginer too, I also feel a lot of changes happening in my way of seeing dating.

    I wish you good luck in your studies, I guess you are in exam session right now?



  208.  #208laughing goddess on December 19, 2011 at 8:26 am

    Has anybody else having a hard time getting on FB? I can’t tell if it’s me or the site is down.



  209.  #209laughing goddess on December 19, 2011 at 8:34 am

    BW: Damn You Autocorrect is great therapy for me too. I love that site! And I love having little tools like that to help me shift my focus.

    Another one that makes me laugh is

    http://textsfrombennett.tumblr.com/

    It’s just silly.



  210.  #210Radiance on December 19, 2011 at 8:34 am

    I feel mad. I feel unacknowledged and dismissed. I feel blocked.

    I feel ack.

    I feel unsure how to express feelings without blaming.

    I feel like a child.

    I feel put down.

    I feel uncomfortable.

    I love me.

    I love the hurt me.

    I love the sad me.



  211.  #211Senior Lady Vibe on December 19, 2011 at 8:36 am

    @102: crystal eyes says:
    “… This was very exciting and reassuring to me. I am 51 years old and I feared I had lost my mojo forever….”

    Glad to see you’ve still got your mojo; I’ve still got mine too although my reassurance mostly comes from myself unless we count “Sweetie.” Note… “Sweetie” now saying… “What d’you mean? Of course count me!”

    I hope your travels were swell. Give my regards to the golden one.



  212.  #212Senior Lady Vibe on December 19, 2011 at 8:41 am

    @105: Aurora Girl

    Happy you’re enjoying them too. 😀



  213.  #213Senior Lady Vibe on December 19, 2011 at 8:45 am

    On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…

    …six guys a-texting…

    …fifty-five soulmate rinnngggggs!!!

    …four calling cards…
    …three fine men…
    …two Starbucks coffees…
    …and a Rori Raye new video to see.

    “Twelve Days of Christmas”
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJXqRFwtjKQ



  214.  #214laughing goddess on December 19, 2011 at 8:48 am

    Oh geez, I feel worried that the site I posted might offend someone. 🙁

    I just went and looked at it again and now I’m feeling insecure. It’s kind of ‘inappropriate’ yet funny when taken in context.



  215.  #215Esteemed on December 19, 2011 at 9:20 am

    LG,

    RE: #178 – You said, “Esteemed, part of me feels so happy for you

    and part of me feels confused.

    Just were saying that he is evil and machiavellian.

    I feel really uncomfortable hearing that a fellow siren is falling under the spell of a man who has bad intentions towards her.

    I feel confuzzled and conundrumfied.

    What would you recommend I do in this situation?”

    LOL! I feel a bit confuzzled and conundrumified myself! 😆 And this is the nature of our relationship. One minute he will be “ending” it, saying he completely wants me out of his life; he wants to just walk away from our relationship, etc. Then at time literally within an hour he will call me and start the cycle again.

    I have felt confuzzled for 2.5 years over my precious R! As for the evil and Machiavellian thing, yes, that is there…it is the result of the schizophrenia, which even most psychiatrists don’t understand. I don’t accredit those aspects to him directly, but to the schizophrenia, to put it simply.



  216.  #216Starla on December 19, 2011 at 9:24 am

    I’m all for offending people. It’s a hobby of mine 😀

    Good morning everyone!! 😀 😀



  217.  #217Starla on December 19, 2011 at 9:27 am

    “he wants to just walk away from our relationship, etc. Then at time literally within an hour he will call me and start the cycle again.”

    Esteemed, interesting treatment you’ve chosen to receive from a man. And by interesting, I mean truly f*cked up.

    Do you think you’ll ever just STOP with this guy? When is enough enough of being treated like this? <—legit questions, not rhetorical leading.



  218.  #218Hopeful on December 19, 2011 at 9:45 am

    Radiance, I don’t know if your recent comment was directed at me or not. I kept my previous reply quick and simple because I don’t want to stir up additional conflict, or cause anymore pain for you. I am really sorry to hear about what you are going through, and sincerely was trying to offer you my support on your journey.



  219.  #219Esteemed on December 19, 2011 at 10:02 am

    Esteemed is happy! Hehehe! R told me he thinks I’m a beautiful person. I have longed to hear something like that come out of his mouth! He said over time he wants to open his heart and mind to me more.

    Daria, you know how you said you felt safer with me in communication? R said something like that, too: he said he feels more comfortable with me. I said I don’t want to be abrasive; I don’t want to be angry, and that I am working very hard on it.

    Thanks to Rori and all of you, my efforts are paying off! I am still not where I want to be, but I am breaking the chain of emotional abuse from where I came!

    I am in love with R. I am going into this new turn of events with eyes wide open. And he knows it.



  220.  #220Dominique on December 19, 2011 at 10:11 am

    laughing goddess – Yes I too have having trouble getting on FB.

    xxoo



  221.  #221Dominique on December 19, 2011 at 10:11 am

    Mochaberri – #197 – Yes you got it.

    xxoo



  222.  #222Aurora Girl on December 19, 2011 at 10:27 am

    Lizka and Ulii

    The snow! I always feel magical when it comes…..I think I have a kindred feeling to us northerners and also love our sirens in the south too!

    and more magic!……A beautiful thing the internet and our blog connection…..look at what it lets us share!

    xo



  223.  #223Aurora Girl on December 19, 2011 at 10:43 am

    Esteemed….

    I fear this is setting itself up for another fall….

    Though I am hesitant to post this, because I like to think of this blog for me as a personal space, allow me me put my professional hat on for a second, for the sake of opening things up…(yes I happen to be one of those psychologist or psychiatric professionals you mention that this slips by…)

    ..if schizophrenia is the diagnosis…then it is what it is. A person with this diagnosis, even when medicated, doesn`t act out of an evil stance….they are wired very differently than 99% of us. However they still have to function in the world we all live in…..where relationships exist. They struggle with relationships, they struggle with social interactions and often can`t read them well….though they are just as lovable as the rest of us…depending on the subtype of schizophrenia ( delusional, schizoaffective, etc) the primary problems have to do with perception ( delusions, hallucinations, disorganized behaviour, flat affect) and it affects how well they function at work, in school, in relationships, etc. So in essence whatever social rules or expectations one might have with them if friends or more…they just don`t have the same ones….so don`t interpret things the same way………

    affairs of the heart are hard to diagnose………

    I mean this supportively and in friendship and siren-ness……..and don`t want to see you set up to get hurt again.

    there….enough said from me…….I may trigger some people…..and if so I apologize…but mean this from a good place.

    xo



  224.  #224ulii on December 19, 2011 at 10:48 am

    Oh!

    My ex boyfriend M’s mother just e-mailed me. We are god friends really. So it was a nice mail about how she’s been and asking how I’ve been these 3 months we have been apart. She is the only person from our families who knows we broke up our 6 year-relationship in the summer. Although she doesn’t know all the details.

    Bud she is adding how “expectant” and “sad” her son is. And that he is not telling her anything, but she knows he is suffering and waiting for me to go back. And she tells me how peaceful and nice person M is. And that she hopes we can work it out between us and be together again. This makes me feel so sad and guilty. I can’t take this much longer.. 🙁



  225.  #225Wildflower on December 19, 2011 at 11:12 am

    I feel afraid to write this since sometimes writing on the blog seems like “thinking” to me. I’m not sure i’m looking for advice either (although maybe i am). i feel worried that will be taken the wrong way…i do appreciate advice from my fellow sirens.

    i’ve been dating a man for a couple of months. he’s not my usual type. i’m not sure whether i mean that in a good way or not. yes i’ve dated some very unavailable (maybe toxic??) men on a short term basis, but i’ve also dated some really kind, giving men. looking back on those relationships (now having rori’s tools) i can see why some of the things went wrong. all in all they were great men who would have made wonderful husbands (i’m fairly certain of it).

    when i say this man isn’t my “usual” type it’s because he’s a lot more aggressive and take charge. he’s definitely a “thinker.” he has spent quite a few years advancing in his career and now he says he is ready to be married and have a family. i feel i am ready to be married and have a family too and i’ve expressed this from day one and that i am dating men until one steps up and wants to make me his wife. the problem is…this guy does say he wants to marry me (ok that feels a little funny to say). he told me that he thinks we should continue to get to know one another for the next 5-6 months and if things go well we should think about getting engaged.

    i should be thrilled but for me getting married to him would most likely mean having to quit my job and move to another continent. i love my job and i love where i live (for the most part). i feel afraid because right now i barely know him and i feel terrified of making a mistake and waking up one day and regretting giving up everything.

    I’ve told him i feel scared and overwhelmed and he reassured me everything will be ok. i guess i need to keep being open and honest and expressing myself and see how he responds.

    there’s a part of me that wonders if i’m just afraid because i’ve met a man who is willing to actually do what i say i want. then there’s a part of me that feels scared and doesn’t get how he could possibly know so soon. i can’t help but wonder if i just happen to meet a guy whose “taxi light” was on (to quote S & the C). i feel afraid he won’t be the same person a year from now.

    we’re apart right now. i’m in the states visiting my family so i can’t really talk to him right now…which is part of the reason i’m writing this on the blog. he’s flying here next week. thanks for listening sirens 🙂

    I feel afraid that we’ll end up getting married and then he’ll change and i’ll be wondering why i married such a guy. ok now i’m in my head but i can’t help but wonder.



  226.  #226lk on December 19, 2011 at 11:23 am

    i feel shaky & excited : ) i want to post a long post later but i just want to say hello to all the lovely ladies : )))))



  227.  #227Starla on December 19, 2011 at 11:34 am

    hi lk:)



  228.  #228lk on December 19, 2011 at 11:42 am

    @Hopeful

    I feel awesome reading about the 2 glasses only : ))

    I think your practice vision may be starting to manifest ?

    I wonder what you will say or do if he expresses that desire to you …. hm i feel good : )



  229.  #229lk on December 19, 2011 at 11:52 am

    @Esteemed

    hm, i wonder if i would want to feel “in love” with a man who maybe just wants friendship with me. i don’t think i would want that.

    i also imagine it would feel horrible to think thoughts of “evil” or “Machiavellian” about someone……. i hear you saying that those parts are not the Man, they are the Schizophrenia…. but i don’t believe you when you say that. i don’t believe that you feel that way.

    i feel triggered to be so contradictory about what you Say your Feelings are…… like, well only Esteemed knows that….. hm… i feel inauthentic by challenging you but i also feel angry that you may be lying to yourself.

    if you really believed the Bad parts were Just Schizophrenia, then i feel confused about why you would have been angry with him ……………

    & i feel confused by your adamant declarations that he would get no more of your energy, yet now you are back with the same feelings & getting Almost what you want…. but still not really getting it.

    i feel compassion & i feel like hugging you



  230.  #230lk on December 19, 2011 at 11:54 am

    @Starla

    hi girly : ) nice to hear you are “rad”

    that makes me feel cool & pretty & smart

    glad CF can row you where you want to go : ))) that’s nice that you feel comfortable to say what you want …… like “putting his hand where you want it” : ) oooh that’s some really good stuff & makes me feel so open & close



  231.  #231Laughing Goddess on December 19, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    I’m noticing that I feel triggered on many different levels.

    I feel triggered even hearing someone being called evil, especially someone who actually seems pretty nice to me.

    I feel triggered hearing a person who has a “disability” (not the exact right word) being called evil.

    To me, that’s equivalent to saying that an autistic person is evil because they won’t look me directly in the eyes.

    Or a quadriplegic is evil because they won’t bring me something I am asking for.

    In the same vein, when a schizophrenic treats me inconsistently, it’s most likely due to him being “wired differently” (Thanks AG, I love this term) vs. intentionally trying to hurt me.

    Yet, Esteemed, you insisted that I didn’t understand, so I decided to honor that this is your reality.

    But then that causes triggering too because it feels bad to see someone knowingly engage in an abusive relationship.

    At this point, I feel unsure of how I can support you Esteemed.

    I would still love to get an answer about that.

    How can I support you?

    What would feel good for you?

    I feel so sad and frustrated seeing you go through this cycle over and over. I feel angry and protective hearing some of the things you say about and to him.

    I wonder if you feel defensive sometimes because it seems like I am making you wrong or somehow saying I am better than you because I got out of an imaginary relationship.

    That’s not my intention. I believe that we can all learn from each other.

    What would you do the situation was reversed, Esteemed. What words of wisdom would you share with someone who was in your situation?

    I feel very curious.



  232.  #232Laughing Goddess on December 19, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    And then I wonder about labels at all…evil, schizophrenic, machlavillian (I know I didn’t spell that right).

    Maybe all those labels don’t even matter.

    Maybe it boils down to if a man is coming towards us or not in a clear, and consistent way.

    Rori recommends not being friends with a man that we have romantic feelings for.

    I know that can be hard sometimes, especially when we feel like we will just wither away without him.

    Yet there is a good reason that she recommends this, because it causes us to feel emotionally unstable and act out in ways that will push him away even more.

    And it also closes us off to allowing someone who wants to love us into our lives.



  233.  #233lk on December 19, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    @LG

    i feel really warm hearing you feel protective of R… i feel that too …. i want to rock him like a baby, but i don’t want to date him.

    i also wonder how it feels to you, Esteemed, to hear so many women raise their voices on this issue … hm … i imagine i would feel heard, yet unheard; supported, yet challenged …….

    i want you to feel safe & loved. i want you to feel understood & I want to feel understanding…… i wonder if you want to share like LG has invited you to, or if you want to close the conversation here for now. i want you to feel welcome to choose either path & still hear my voice as love : )



  234.  #234Femininewoman on December 19, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    LG I admire your tenacity, if that is the right word for the situation.



  235.  #235Starla on December 19, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    Noticing my own tendency to shift a bunch of focus to a man, especially unhealthy ones, when other things in my life are too unstable to want to even deal with them.

    This is how I coped with stress of school and financial stress – i’d put all my focus on my abusive relationship, or when I wasn’t with him anymore, with unhealthy cycles of bad feelings with new guys who couldn’t do the job for me as a healthy, supportive man.

    But in not being able to do the job for me, they essentially guaranteed they would always be there to dangle carrots on sticks in front of my face to chase.

    It’s a miracle I even graduated college, let alone got good grades, when I was with my first real boyfriend (of 2 years).

    It’s a miracle I didn’t lose my job or my apartment this year, when I was wrapped up in My Guy and just a ball of dysfunction.

    It’s amazing that making simple choices to be happy and stopping looking to that man in order to feel “okay” turned it all around literally overnight.

    I went from on the verge of suicide to being a role model for the unhappy folks around me in a very short time once I got clear and committed to being happy.



  236.  #236Mochaberri on December 19, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    From previous post #537

    Here is a part of an article Rori wrote on Imaginary Relationships that addresses that issue. Hope it helps.

    “And here we come to the key point in this eLetter: A MAN DOESN’T WANT TO LOSE A GOOD WOMAN FROM HIS LIFE. He may not be in love with her, but he doesn’t want to lose her. That’s why after a break-up men will text you, call you, come around, leave you all kinds of confusing and provocative messages – because he doesn’t want to lose you from his life. He doesn’t want to do what he has to do to KEEP a good woman – which is to MARRY HER, but he doesn’t want to lose her.

    So he tries to split the difference. He does as much as he has to do to not lose you, without going over the edge and having to do what he has to do in order to keep you. And that, in a nutshell, is why a man is so confusing when he tries to stay in touch with us, even when the “relationship” doesn’t seem to be happening at all. He’s not trying to get back together with us. He’s just trying to not lose us from his life. UNTIL he meets a woman he feels compelled to KEEP by MARRYING HER.”

    I feel confused reading this – how can a man ever find the woman that he’s compelled to marry if he’s not trying to lose a good woman out of his life??



  237.  #237Femininewoman on December 19, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    Mochaberrry I appreciate how it can be confusing but I have accepted that it won’t make sense to my logical mind. All I have to do is keep moving/dating until that man identifies himself. I am convinced he will because I have experienced that. As some say, men don’t make sense so it doesn’t make sense for me to try to understand them. I allow them to go through their process now and stay in my body. It takes too much energy to unravel the confusion.



  238.  #238Dominique on December 19, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    Mochaberri – I have heard and I read here often that many exes will come around eventually to “check in”, and I have experienced this myself but only with one of my exes. (I think/hope he’s finally gone for good this time).

    I don’t think this holds true once he’s found his woman.

    I have also heard that there are some men and women who continue to be friends with some of the exes, but this is not all men (or women).

    I also know of many men and women who have no desire to have contact with an ex because the relationship ended for a reason. Often not amicably. I don’t mean that it was necessarily an ugly break up though these of course occur as well.

    I can speak for myself here as well as K. Neither one of us has had nor has wanted to have a friendship with an ex. The relationship is over. No more to be said. Any contact was not willingly conducted.

    I quite sure we are not alone in this.

    I don’t think your proposed scenario holds true once he’s found his woman. I know this to be true in many, many instances.

    Unless he’s one to continue friendships with everyone, exes included.

    If he’s a good man, there will no longer be desire though. It will really be a just friends deal. So you need not feel threatened. But if you still do feel this way, then this man may need some reconsideration as a long term mate.

    xxoo



  239.  #239Starla on December 19, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    ummm, i’m feeling oddly connect to LK today. and a few other people. so odd and neat.

    LK, your initials keep popping up in a statistics map for this project i’m working on (letters correspond to columns of data)



  240.  #240Starla on December 19, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    basically your name represents all that is statistically significant, lol.



  241.  #241Laughing Goddess on December 19, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    Starla: Wow! Very insightful!



  242.  #242Susan on December 19, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    Both of my husbands cheated on me. By the time it happened, I felt relieved. I knew the official end was near.

    I was out with Sweet Man at a party this past weekend and people were asking us if we had set a date yet. :O



  243.  #243Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    Oh wow! I’m feeling super triggered right now.

    After not speaking to my dad for five years, I’ve been on the road to healing with him for the last five or so years and I just got a letter from him that feels so bad. I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach.

    It hurts so much that I can’t even come close to covering up with anger. Although, underneath it all, I feel rage raising its head. It feels like a video I was somewhere – or a movie, something, where there’s a red dragon riding along beside me in a river just waiting to overtake me.

    oww, oww, oww!



  244.  #244Laughing Goddess on December 19, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    FW: I do feel some tenacity around this situation because it has been consistently triggering to me over quite some time now and I would like to get to the bottom of for myself at least, and hopefully support Esteemed in the process.

    Part of it has to do with seeing a friend in a very rollercoaster relationship and feeling powerless to offer support while still speaking my truth.

    This place feels like a community to me. A lot of us have been here for quite some time now and really gotten to know each other.

    And when one siren is suffering, I think we all feel it.



  245.  #245Susan on December 19, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    From the previous blog:

    587: Radiance says:

    “562 Double Rainbow

    “Radiance: Your post touched me. I want to give you a hug. No one should go without loving touch for that long.”

    Thanks for the hug… and I agree. And I found an age-old workaround which wasn’t a very viable or lasting or satisfying solution–an affair. That’s what got me here.”

    Radiance,

    I was talking with Sweet Man the other night and he was telling me details from the time he took a lot of dancing lessons. He said there was a charming, but very much older, lady there taking lessons and he once asked her why she was taking lessons. After all, she wasn’t married and had given up on having a boy friend. Her answer touched me and I thought of you. Her answer was: she took dance lessons because she craved human touch and it was the easiest (although not the most satisfying way) to get it. She believed she would die without it. Perhaps that is why you cheated? Did you feel like you were dying of neglect?



  246.  #246Laughing Goddess on December 19, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    Ohhh Sweetpea, how can we help other than (((big hugs))).

    I know it hurts but maybe just don’t take it personally… because ultimately it’s not.



  247.  #247Susan on December 19, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    RE: 26: Esteemed says:

    “If I offer a gift to a long distance friend (a woman), and she refuses it, is that pretty much saying I don’t value your friendship? I feel really hurt.”

    I don’ think it would necessarily mean she doesn’t value our friendship, but she may mean more to you than you mean to her. Or it could be something else completely.



  248.  #248Femininewoman on December 19, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    I know what you mean LG as I feel the same way too somewhat. Where I find the conundrum though is where someone seems determined to make choices that always hurt. I experience that with people in real life and wonder sometimes if it isn’t best to just leave them be. The saying I heard as a child comes to mind “if I you can’t hear you will feel”. I also step back in real life these days because of the whole convincer/resistor roles I have learned that people play with each other.



  249.  #249Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    LG @ 246,

    Alot of it has to do with the fact that I felt abandoned by him when he moved out of state when my mom was still alive (and very sick). We’ve talked about that some, and I’ve gotten partial healing (or thought I had).

    But now I’m feeling abandoned by him again. I heard from a reliable source that at one point my step mom told him if I didn’t pay him back (he helped me with a house payment about 12 years ago), that “she’s not your daughter anymore.”

    I think it’s just time that I write him my own letter (I wrote him a 10 page one when I quit talking to him before, but it wasn’t in the interest of healing) and get all this hurt out on the table again.

    What a challenge… how to tell my Dad, “you’re abandoning me again, a-hole” in feeling messages.

    Yeah – I know that’s blaming and right now I don’t really care. It hurts too much for me to care if I lash out and hurt him back. That’s why I haven’t called him yet.

    Just crying streaming tears of healing.



  250.  #250Esteemed on December 19, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    Aurora Girl,

    RE: #223 – Thank you! I am doing my best to stay in the moment with him, to drop expectations…and yet to be prepared for what interactions may occur. I want to be my best self. I want to handle my feelings that arise around R in a healthy, healing, self-loving way.



  251.  #251Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    Feeling extremely pissed at my s-mom. Want to lash out at her. “You can’t come between me and my Dad, you b**ch!”



  252.  #252Esteemed on December 19, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    Susan,

    RE: #247 – Thank you!



  253.  #253Femininewoman on December 19, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    oooohh (((((((((((((((Sweetpea))))))))))))))))))



  254.  #254Butterfly Wings on December 19, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    154 Aurora Girl – yes it was evening when you posted and I was already in bed. 🙂

    What you said does relate to me, and it’s funny because Ex #1 and I have a terrible relationship with each other, but Christmas and New Year has never been an issue because we just alternate every year.

    With Ex #2 however it’s more complicated and it does mean that I get less time with my baby every second year, but being the fabulous ex wife I am, I have agreed on a compromise.

    Prior to yesterday I was feeling a bit icky about what we had agreed and when I expressed that he got angry which is why the fight started. But thankfully he was able to see things a little differently when I jumped into boy energy (he is SUCH a girl – ick) and spelled it ALL out in an email to him.

    I suppose I just need to remember that he is a girl and to deal with him I need to be a boy.

    Thinking about that I can totally see why we didn’t last! lol

    Just like a man doesn’t want to be married to another man in women’s clothing, I certainly didn’t want to be married to a woman in men’s clothing! 😀



  255.  #255Esteemed on December 19, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    LG,

    RE: #244 – What a beautiful way of expressing yourself there softly, thank you!

    I feel really in a good space for approaching my relationship with R after just discussing it with an excellent therapist. My focus, as Daria helped me with so amazingly the other night, is to work on me, no matter what he does…to not get sucked into his labyrinth. Just to do what is healthy, healing, and loving for me.



  256.  #256Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    Thanks FW



  257.  #257Butterfly Wings on December 19, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    203 Tenny – you go girl!

    Ok it’s probably kind of cheating, but hey – it’s a start right?

    And from there we can “graduate” to lifting up our sunnies, to actually taking them right off!

    Emerson! I honestly don’t know how you handle being where there’s little sunlight!!!

    I live in the warmer part of Australia and still can’t stand winter even here! But to have cold AND little sun? Oh noo! 🙂

    As I type this, I’m contemplating taking my birds downstairs which is cooler today. I’ll be at work and don’t fancy leaving the air conditioner on. It’s going to be a hot day today! Yay!



  258.  #258Aurora Girl on December 19, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    248 FW

    The saying I heard as a child comes to mind “if I you can’t hear you will feel”.

    Hi FW…I felt intrigued by what you wrote…I was understanding the initial piece and then I read the above……

    but I am struggling to understand it….could you kindly explain what it means…..I`ve never heard it before….
    xo



  259.  #259Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    I’ve been taking care of myself since I was 16. Now, when I really need his help, all I get is a bunch of crap about it. A really rude note (that I think is from the stepmonster).

    I feel blaming of her in this situation and pissed cuz she doesn’t even know – has no freakin clue!

    So part of me wants to call my Dad and just tell him that I found the note to be extremely rude. That I feel angry and abandoned and that I’ll call him when I work through some of this – not to call me.

    I doubt he even knows she put the f**kin note in there. I’m tired of trying to pretend I’m tough and this doesn’t hurt. That none of this has hurt. That I “understand”. I don’t understand any of it!



  260.  #260Esteemed on December 19, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    LG,

    RE: #231 – I want to address this post of yours, and I can’t right now because I need to run out for a work party at a friend’s house that will last the rest of the evening.

    In short, I am NOT calling R evil. I am in love with him!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is a huge diff between calling someone evil and saying that he is influenced by evil. I am trying to minimize what I say on that cuz I don’t want to go outside Rori’s boundaries for the blog, and nor do I want to offend anyone.

    Suffice it to say, from my convo with R last night, I feel convinced that him skipping the meeting was unintentional in terms of he was not trying to hurt me. He just wasn’t feeling up to it at the last minute. Last night he stated I am not trying to hurt you, I want you to know that.

    I see much change in him for the better since 2009.

    I will write more when I have time. Thanks for caring.



  261.  #261Butterfly Wings on December 19, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    209 LG – Ooo thank you! More silliness! Just what I love! xx



  262.  #262Femininewoman on December 19, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    258 It is basically that if you won’t listen to advice you will learn the hard way by getting hurt. An example is an adult telling a child not to touch a hot stove or eat chili pepper. But the child refuses to listen and go ahead and do it any way. Causing the adult to say “I told you so”.



  263.  #263Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    Gonna write a speech to my Dad. Then maybe I’ll just call him. I want this healed. Completely.

    I’m so tired of hurting…



  264.  #264Starla on December 19, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    Hugs, sweetpea. I know the feeling, it sucks… hope you find some light and fun in your day today, sorry about the lame parents…



  265.  #265Aurora Girl on December 19, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    254 Butterfly wings….

    …..I was feeling a bit icky about what we had agreed and when I expressed that he got angry“

    wow….amazing….that happened to me also……I expressed how I was feeling to my children`s father about our not being able to sort things out and that it felt like an argument was happening…I said “I feel sad and disappointed….I dont want to argue“…..hoping that this would soften things…..

    wrong….. (sadly)

    all it did was bring out his sarcastic side……he said òh that`s just rich…….you`re sad because you can`t get what you want`…..which is of course not where i was going.,….

    I find that he is not capable of dealing with feelings. I find the only way to shut it down is indeed as you say….get into boy energy and be firm….it always stops when I do that (by email)…….

    like you say….this is why the relationship doesn`t last…..he was verbally and physically abusive in our marriage…hence the need for it to end….I swear I would have shrivelled up and spiritually and emotionally died if I had stayed…funny thing is he`s the one who applied for the divorce….know why……..cause he couldn`t get his way ………..it is what he does……however in the final case the `boy`that finally sorted it all out was a judge…..and I think he had a good mix of boy and girl in him when he did! lol

    BW I hope these holidays are all you wish for ……..and all siren dreams come true in 2012!
    xo



  266.  #266Laughing Goddess on December 19, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    My sweetie just gave me one of my Christmas presents early and I love it! I feel so impressed by his ability to pick things out for me.

    He got me this beautiful lotus shaped hanging lamp shade that I was admiring a while back!

    Feeling so excited!

    Last year he got me a beautiful white alpaca blanket that I use all the time.

    feeling happy



  267.  #267Aurora Girl on December 19, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    FW

    thank you….now I understand……..

    ….about learning…..and learning the hard way…….neat how the universe lets us do it our way until we get it….

    😉



  268.  #268Butterfly Wings on December 19, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    Yay for TH!!! I have been trying to think of the perfect Christmas gift to buy him and all along he’s told me not to buy anything, but of course if you girls are like me, of COURSE you would want to buy at least something little for him right?

    We’ve been “together” for a year and a half and he spoils me rotten where gifts are concerned, so yeah – I really did want to give something back, even if it was little.

    So last night while we were walking home he mentioned something he wanted so of course I pounced on that idea and was VERY happy to have something I could buy him. And while I was sleeping her sent me a link (I asked him to) to show me what he wanted.

    He’s on a bit of a weight loss/fitness kick right now (he’s quite overweight), so he wants some equipment that he can keep here at my house.

    So yay! I now know what to buy! Phew!!



  269.  #269Starla on December 19, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFNtv7A1f0A&list=UUuJ4d6OhSBpEdfJqb_8cV3Q&index=4&feature=plcp

    Abraham Hicks on gratitude v. appreciation. Wow, I never considered this before!!



  270.  #270Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    Thanks Starla! xoxo

    Sorry for your lame parents, too. (That was a little “light” to me). Thanks.



  271.  #271Senior Lady Vibe on December 19, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    @223: Aurora Girl says:
    “…there….enough said from me…….I may trigger some people…..and if so I apologize…but mean this from a good place.xo…”

    You said it very, very well.



  272.  #272Butterfly Wings on December 19, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    235 Starla – “It’s amazing that making simple choices to be happy and stopping looking to that man in order to feel “okay” turned it all around literally overnight.”

    Yep I totally get that because that was what happened to me over a week ago now! It’s amazing isn’t it?? xx



  273.  #273Starla on December 19, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    I can hardly stand to watch ladies here on their rollercoasters in imaginary relationships. So what does this mean for me????

    ackkkkkk

    it’s so bad. It’s like…I want to stop posting here. but why? Do I want to PUNISH? hmmmm

    I had to stop being friends once with someone very close to me because she was on an abusive rollercoaster and always came to me to complain about it, but lashed out at me when I had anything to say about how unhealthy her situation was (and not just blaming him as the assh*le).



  274.  #274Laughing Goddess on December 19, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    Sweetpea: I feel unsure of what to say other than that I support you and I feel super confident that you will be able to use your magic to transform this situation.

    I believe in you!



  275.  #275Butterfly Wings on December 19, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    243 Sweetpea – (((HUGS))) to you girl. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. xxx



  276.  #276Butterfly Wings on December 19, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    243 Sweetpea – (((HUGS))) to you girl. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. xxx



  277.  #277Butterfly Wings on December 19, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    265 AG – yep sounds like the “conversation” I had!

    But all sorted now so thank you! xxx



  278.  #278Starla on December 19, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    235 Starla – “It’s amazing that making simple choices to be happy and stopping looking to that man in order to feel “okay” turned it all around literally overnight.”

    Yep I totally get that because that was what happened to me over a week ago now! It’s amazing isn’t it?? xx
    ——————-
    I’m glad you’re having an easier time in life…for me, I had to stop talking to the guy entirely. I was so blind to my own patterns, even though everyone else kept pointing them out. Such is the nature of unhealthy relationships. Cutting him out entirely – that’s when things switched entirely for me.

    Also, I didn’t notice until a few months later that things were different, and I began to see that cutting him out entirely was the best thing to ever happen to me lol



  279.  #279Aurora Girl on December 19, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    271 SLV

    `whew!`

    lol
    😉



  280.  #280Liz on December 19, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    Big hugs to you sweetpea….i know how much it hurts to feel unsupported by your own father…..a previous siren post to you is right, it is a reflection of him, not you….in fact, it made you stronger and more resilient and now the trick is with our tools, to feel the feelings and find the love……love, love, love

    Lizka, please tell me how you manage to hold a stranger’s gaze….this is not easy……and sunglasses will not do right now in the north country…..
    i would love to learn how to do this…..

    FW, thank-you for the waterwheel, I have been practicing it and even though I still feel empty leaning back, it gives me something to do in the emptiness and I realized the leaning back is creating space for mr. right to come to me, so I keep putting the focus on me….

    everybody else, I read your posts too and I am feeling close to you by reading your process. I feel less lonely.
    Thank-you
    Liz



  281.  #281Lizka on December 19, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    Oh I just did it!! 

    This morning I wrote how I felt at eyes contact with a guy who was starring at me in the metro. I was telling myself todo it but I just couldn’t do the move… 

    And I promised myself I would practice this… 

    So I was in the metro again, on my way back home, just sitting in my seat, all in my thoughts, thinking of how much my vibe changed in the last week, and still feeling surprised and amazed that I changed so fast and with not that much effort and that I don’t feel that bad about not having my CDs really stepping up these days… 

    And very randomly, I raised my eyes and there is this guy staring at meand without even noticing it, with no effort, without even thinking of it (and with no sunglasses!!!), I look in his eyes, and after 1 or 2 seconds, I just smiled and kept smiling. Amazing!! Hehe and the guy, I guess he got shy of having such a siren being open to him like me, he looked somewhere else. But later, I felt his eyes on me again… 

    Wow! It feels great to be a siren! Baby steps but we’re getting there!!! 



  282.  #282Aurora Girl on December 19, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    BW…

    thank you too….for some reason I find comfort knowing this exchange can happen between ex“s….maybe par for the course when there`s been struggle……maybe not all of it can heal……

    thank you too. 🙂



  283.  #283Susan on December 19, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    RE: 93: Radiance says:

    “Sex eroded during the years of my marriage, and thinking about it now, it was probably because we were competitive and flopping around in our boy/girl energies. I probably emasculated my partner over the years and he reached out to me less. Well, never. That or what he thought was foreplay—like grabbing my n#pple as I passed him in the hallway—didn’t turn me on, in fact repelled me. Even in the early years we seldom went to bed at the same time. I would cry myself to sleep sometimes in the early years—lonely—while he stayed up later watching crime dramas on TV. So over time I guess I pushed my sexual needs underground, seldom even pleasured myself. Aside from the lack of physical intimacy, we got along for the most part. I remember trying to seduce him a few times and he was not receptive.”

    That closely describes my relationship with my second husband. I hated the nipple grabbing with a passion, but he continued to think that was foreplay. I had seriously considered an affair, but I had a young child and couldn’t get away. The only reason I continued the marriage was because I was trying to provide some stability for my child. When he finally asked for a divorce (he had a girlfriend) I felt relieved, but sad. I was married to him for 21 years.

    Now I am 55 and am dating a 63 year old man who has an enviable sex drive and a gentle, caressing touch. We have been together a wee over a year and I think I have had more sex in this past year than in the previous 10 years combined. I feel like the luckiest woman on earth, right now.



  284.  #284Liz on December 19, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    Susan,
    That is great to hear!
    I feel happy imagining having sex again!



  285.  #285lk on December 19, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    ok i guess i will just do this now while i feel like it.

    well, i went out for a drink with coworkers before my date with DCcd. I was being really interesting for some reason…… i was like neck snuggling with exCD – just still testing how it felt to be close to him. it was like nothing at all, just the nice feeling of a warm body : ) just human friendship love & that was so nice : ) he helped me get my hair & makeup right & teased me a little about my body hair. coworker’s husband was totally horrified & told me i must shave.

    men, men, men. like you would listen if i told you to paint your nails with clear nailpolish because I thought it looked better. whatever, humans : ) nice to hear what you think though : )

    then went on my date with DCcd ….. well, omg. that was his first date EVER. cr8zy ! what a sweet boy & so handsome… but i can see why. he is very shy & nervous……… if he asks me out again, i would go just for us both to practice : ) he was shaking scared & left a 100% tip LOL…..

    this is making me feel a little cr8zy because i know i already wrote some of that earlier, but… just processing & it feels like that first part goes in this whole chunk, so fear not : )

    anyway, then after i got home, sqw called me & we chatted for about 2 hours, just catching up & being so warm & friendly & healed – not torn up a little like right after that whole thing.

    awwww & i told him i’d write a little note on this blog that he says HELLO : )))) because i told him about all you lovely sirens : )))))) awwww the men love the women !!!

    when i went to bed on friday, i felt mad & dismissive of CAcd because of the late notice he gave, but i felt healed when i woke saturday & super-easily made 2 quick phone calls & got him free lodgings for his group of friends for the weekend, called him & told him, & told him when I’d meet him.

    went to my parents’ house to make cookies with my mother but they came out ugly so she said we could take the fancy Rosemary Pine Nut cookies instead of my ugly peanut butter & jelly ones : ) that’s good because those are my favorite & now i get to keep them : )))) left some for her & took some to CDcd, but i still have half a tin : )))))

    i went & quickly got a car wash & laundry, then went back to go to the cookie party with my mother & was so glad to have taken the pretty cookies, because the party was kind of fancy & so full of pretty women & i was just amazed at the beauty everywhere.

    afterward, my mother said, wow it is so fun to go to parties with you because you have such lovely social skills. that feels amazing to hear : ) until just a year ago, i really thought i was the most awkward human on the planet…. : ) & my boss complimented me on my interpersonal skills too, saying he really can’t imagine how they could be any better…. wow ! how strange & awesome : ))))

    i think ht taught me so much about that, so thank you, ht : ) you’re really charismatic & know how to make others feel comfortable : ) but i have told him that & that i was getting better at it after learning from him for so long

    after the cookie party, i took a nap & drove up to the mountains to see CAcd & the boys : ) awww how cute !!! they bought me food & kept saying all night, don’t spend a cent – we want to do everything for you – we want you to have fun & be all free & easy — we all spoke spanish & listened to music. we went to a club & they bribed the bouncer so we didn’t have to wait in the cold & every time my drink was even half-empty, one of the men would bring me a new one : )

    we all danced & i took off my shirt so i was just in a tank top dancing & showing my armpit hair & so many men told me that’s disgusting, you need to shave, why do you do that, & it was turning me on ! not making me feel sad or ashamed.

    though i was surprised that people think they can say things like that to strangers ….. hm : )

    then, we gave some kids a ride : ) & we called CDcd & CAcd’s buddy called me “tu novia” to CDcd o_0 & i felt freaked out, but felt better thinking, those aren’t my words. i didn’t say that. then all the boys took turns giving me back rubs & CAcd & i shared a bed & kind of cuddled but he tried to kiss me & i said no, i like someone else & i told him i wouldn’t kiss other men & also i didn’t want to kiss CAcd at all – i didn’t get buzzy or warm from being close, just like with exCD – just human friendship love touching : )

    & also at the club a boy came up to me & said, i got bottle service, you have some of this, ok ? & i took a sip of nice vodka & he kissed me but i didn’t feel bad because it just felt really friendly & not sexual, just a party joy kiss : ) no tongue or closeness or anything, just lips on lips, smile, walk away : )

    when i woke on Sunday, i felt tired & just wanted to see CDcd. i had cancelled our plans earlier but i called & said, i hope i didn’t wake you or scare you last night calling so late & actually it would feel nice to still hang out since i worked out a way for CAcd’s group to stay easily without me there.

    CAcd & the boys were all teasing me, like, oh txt us a picture of his face when he sees your armpit hair ! i was like, ok, lol, he’s going to like it though !

    i rushed home to my parents’ house to get my laundry & shower. couldn’t rush once there, though, just chilled out, took a long nice shower, made tea, chatted with my parents……

    called CDcd & said jeez i’m late again surprise & he didn’t mind, just offered to pick me up but i wanted to drive & he asked me what i wanted for dinner, i said, maybe i could bring stuff up & he said, that’s just what i was going to ask you : ) so i got cucumber, feta, olives, bread, broccoli & chicken. also, a really pretty candy cane : )

    he met me & we were happy : ) we drove up, ate the cucumber, feta, olives & bread.

    he told me a good little story kind of about how he had dealt with his break-up which had worried me before but now i feel more safe. he said that he had spent his alone time Practicing Unlearning the habits that you learn in spending 6 years with someone. he talked about Noticing & then allowing himself to make a new decision or behavior : ) i really liked it & it really made me feel impressed & also happy. he also mentioned that he knows the value of company, but that he enjoys my company *specifically* which felt good …… he also says he wants us to skype with his parents so they can “meet” me : ))))) awwwwww ! & his sister will meet me when she comes soon too : )

    he had window markers & window crayons & we drew but it was scary because for some reason instead of doing pretty decorative window art…. i basically just randomly scribbled all over his windows. it sounds kind of hilarious, but right afterwards & in the middle of it, i kept thinking, oh jeez lk now he thinks you’re cr8zy ! but i kept saying, wow i feel overwhelmed drawing in front of you & i feel a little bad for just doing my personal, private business “on display” in your house …… but he kept saying, no, that’s what i want …. i felt so weird. i wanted to run away & hide.

    then he hugged me & it was just ….. i don’t know. i had been experimenting with other men even that i was attracted to & it’s not like this. so warm & shaky & in-tune ….. wow. we kissed & i really thought i was going to die. i told him, i think i’m going to have a heart attack. lol. such hyperbole, but also very accurate. i told him it felt overwhelming to make art in front of someone & to be so close physically.

    he said to me, “you should use coconut oil” & i said that i don’t like people saying, “should” so he laughed & we joked & we played with other ways of saying it & he ended up with “I highly recommend” which i like : )

    then he said, do you want to eat the chicken & broccoli now ? i said, no, i want to sleep & have the chicken & broccoli for breakfast. he said, ok, i will wake up before you & have it ready for you to eat so you can sleep in later before work.

    we went to bed… dxmn. i have no idea. he smells so nice….. & he is just so nice to cuddle & touch…. i can’t handle it or think about it right now actually.

    oh, & i told him about my body hair & he did not care at all. i didn’t care either… right after i said it, i knew he wouldn’t care.

    later when i couldn’t sleep he made a bed up on the floor for us & we closed the curtains really dark & nice & every time i woke up he would talk to me & cuddle me & he is like me, like no sleepy haze in the middle of the night : ))))) just if i’m awake, i’m totally lucid & alert & conversational & he can talk to me like that : )

    he woke up at 5 & made me coffee & put the food in the oven. i stretched & dressed & he made the chicken & added squash, zucchini & garlic with the broccoli.. then we sat on the couch & cuddled a little while i had my coffee…. i leaned over & just smelled him & kissed his cheek & said, you smell nice : ) & he said Thank You, like he really really meant it : )

    he sent me to work with lunch in tupperware & a jar of coconut oil LOL & a stack of books & some really gentle, slow kisses. i love the slow kisses. they make me feel ridiculous & border-less.

    he started my car for me & he escorted me down the mountain in his car to make sure i made it ok …. & he told me he would call me later today, just to see how my day went & i said that sounds nice.

    1 thing about being close together in bed… i felt scared a little… but then i remembered, lk, this is not a Show ! this is just Affectionate Touching : ) so freeing to let love move me, not fear : )

    i’m going to meditate on the 2 things i know how tonight. i can help ! : ) lk can help yayyyyy : ) she likes to help & she can do that in such a mystical way, really it is amazing : ))))) i’m a witch : )



  286.  #286Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    LG @ 274,

    Thank you. It felt good to read that.

    BW and Liz,

    Thank you.

    I’m dedicated to my total emotional healing and that’s all this is. It’s my opportunity to share with him how I feel, draw boundaries for myself and not hide. And, most importantly (for me), not run away.

    Thanks for all your support. It feels good to know I’ve got people in my corner, cheering me on in my quest.

    Thanks. xoxoxo



  287.  #287Cuore D'oro on December 19, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    Ladies,

    I have been reading the blog & newsletter for a while now, but I still feel so completely clueless and “relationally challenged”. 🙂

    I feel dumbfounded by the men that I cd (I have about 5 in queue at the moment) and how they think. I feel confused by the advice posted here as to leaning back, when the men I am talking to (having coffee with, going for dinner, or taking a walk) are not as convinced.

    I feel torn when some of the men ask that I send them text messages or call or email them and I mention to them that this makes me feel like I’m chasing them and I want to feel important enough to them to take the first step.

    I tell them that I feel very old-fashioned in my values and belief system and I don’t feel comfortable pursuing something that I don’t even know exists yet [the relationship]. The men tell me that I need to step out of the old world and get with the times and realize that its ok for the girl to text / call / email / etc. the guy first.

    I feel so sad because it makes me feel like I’m going to be an old-bitty cat lady (no offense to anyone, by any stretch of the imagination) without any hopes of a meaningful relationship … that is — unless I want to be the agressor. I feel so frustrated.

    I had one of the CDs mention that I can’t have my cake and eat it too. His comment came after I repeated my desires to feel special enough that the guy will initiate the calls, etc. but I believe that the modern society rules apply to the house (i.e., both men and women should be accountable for chores, cooking, yard work, etc.). I feel so sad.

    I understand the concepts of leaning back and waiting for the man to approach … but sometimes I feel like I’m so naive to expect this will happen without me jumping to my masculine energy and saying hello first (and if I waited by the car or the door for some of these men to open it, well, I’d still be waiting in a parking lot or walking head-first in to a closed door to eat — even after I told them how I feel weird to open the door on my own when we’re on a date). Wow .. that makes me feel so alone.

    Anyway … I feel confident that the more experienced Sirens will have words of wisdom to share with me.

    Am I completely out of line on being old fashioned? When the guy has already told me that he expects that I’d send him a text message (call, etc.) … is it really okay? Ugh — I feel so far away from modern society and the ‘new norms’.



  288.  #288Izzy on December 19, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    I talked to my boyfriend about me feeling lonely and missing him, even while I’m with him.

    He said he is anxious and tries to schedules things for us to do so that he will please me. He also said that he is a bit insecure and also that we don’t have enough time available for us.

    He said he was also feeling a bit distant too, but didn’t know how to say it. He also said that it feels easier to talk to me because I’m so smart. I thought it was cute!

    And he said that he would like me to call him once in awhile. He asked if I don’t feel like talking to him. He said he would lie to receive a phone call.

    He calls me twice a day, I don’t feel the need to call him.

    How often should I call him, since he asked me to?



  289.  #289Lizka on December 19, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    lk –

    “then went on my date with DCcd ….. well, omg. that was his first date EVER. cr8zy ! what a sweet boy & so handsome… but i can see why. he is very shy & nervous……… if he asks me out again, i would go just for us both to practice : ) he was shaking scared & left a 100% tip LOL…..”

    Oh this is so sweet and i feel so compasionate for the poor boy. The part where you say “he was shaking scared”, I felt something in my heart, like seeing a little animal hurt or something. I guess I shouldn’t react like that, but I feel all tender and sad at the same time when I see people beeing unexperiment.

    He must be so happy to have date a siren like you today. You have a big heart not to be judgemental. I think (shame on me) that I woyld not have want to go on a date with a “newby” in the world of dating. I know it’s bad.

    I am really speechless. It’s beautiful lk!

    🙂



  290.  #290Lizka on December 19, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    Izzy, I guess if he calls you twice a day and that you don’t feel the need to call him, you could tell him that you fe so good when he calls you and that you love talking to him but that you don’t want to have to call?

    Just a random suggeation. Don’t know if the other sirens will aprove…



  291.  #291Lizka on December 19, 2011 at 2:29 pm

    Arrrgggg. Sorry for typos. Writting from my phone still… I obviously meant “that you FEEL so good when he callS”



  292.  #292Izzy on December 19, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    “Ultimately, you are the one you are dating”.

    Byron Katie

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgoKKH-R3Pg&feature=related



  293.  #293Silver-Tongued Siren on December 19, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    Question/Discussion

    Dealing with Romantic Relationships that involve Parenting.

    Father of (Our)Baby wants me to drive to meet him.
    He is driving from approx 2 1/2 hrs away (one way) to his family’s house, and I am another hour and a half even further. So I would drive 1 1/2 hours one way. (So that he can condense his visit with us and his visit with his family, get max time with us and fam, and least time driving… AND important that his fam gets to see our son. I am speculating but those appear to be the benefits, for him.)

    In the distant (years) past (pre-baby) I *offered* to drive to meet him when he would visit the state (he had no car). I purposely leaned back somewhere there, (and he sure stepped up, opening doors for me, holding his arm for me when we go out because I mentioned it..renting a car once or twice to drive into town to see me on his visits to my state to see his family, then attained a car, and would drive to see ME. He also NEVER accepts money from me, EVER. Not for anything. Not even tips. He pays for our dates and he pumps the gas, sometimes lets me put gas in my car, but only when I know he was really short and sometimes even then added to it. Now he even asks if I need anything when we’re at the store, he always brings diapers with him when he comes (sometimes toys too, or things for me). He never asks me for anything.

    Now that we have a baby, (yet no commitment) I want to make sure I don’t spoil the dynamic that’s been created, while dealing with every day non-romantic things.

    He’s moved back across country and is working a few hours away to save money to move to my city.
    He talked to me before he took the job, letting me know he was applying, and that he wanted to help financially so I didn’t have to worry about my living situation. While the intent is there, the job is still new and the “help” is not happening yet.

    He was visiting my city frequently, when he was 2 hrs away with flexible work. Now 3 hrs away with a full time job, only weekends are free for him.

    In the past month and a half that he’s had this job, he’s asked me to drive down more frequently for his mom’s birthday, thanksgiving, christmas party, and christmas eve) – where before it was only once in a great while. (of course it’s the holidays also).

    He has paid for gas, when I’ve said I didn’t have money for gas – except for once when he said he didn’t have any money either. That was this past weekend, and I paid for that and drove down.

    Now that he’s working far away with only weekends to spare, and his mom sick with chemo treatments, I am foreseeing a lot more requests to drive to meet him. As well as on the holidays, if we are not in a relationship.

    I want to be fair. Should he be sending me gas money if he wants me to drive down? I want to feel like I’m contributing, but I AM taking care of a still nursing baby, 24/7. He knows I haven’t been able to work as much as I need, due to not being able to afford daycare. (even though baby is not ready for long hours away). I haven’t been able to even make rent and bills.

    … I have not figured out how to approach some aspects of this relationship- parenting together with potential for a committed relationship/marriage.

    I want to be fair, give my half, meet halfway, etc – but at the same time, uphold the leaning back dynamic…

    Should my boy-side come in when it comes to the kids and the housework? Or what? How much am I supposed to be DOING or LEANING back, here?

    He communicates that he wants to see the baby AND me. (being sure to emphasize that it isn’t just about the baby.) He has sex with me. He treats me as though we have a romantic relationship.

    How much or should I be doing when we have the parenting aspect AND seeing each other, but no commitment?

    How do you think this should change (if at all), when a commitment happens?

    PS, I used to be subscribed to Rori’s email list, but haven’t gotten one in years.. not sure what happened but would like to re-subscribe if anyone knows how.



  294.  #294Silver-Tongued Siren on December 19, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    Edit: –“Now that he’s working far away with only weekends to spare, and his mom sick with chemo treatments, I am foreseeing a lot more requests to drive to meet him. As well as on the holidays, if we are not in a relationship.”

    I meant, if we are not living together, coming from the same place, or at least the same city.



  295.  #295Starla on December 19, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    i am looking forward to going home and taking care of myself… gonna hit the gym for even 10 minutes of intense cardio and feel great when i’m done. Then I’m gonna hope in the shower and take great sireny care exfoliating and moisturizing my lovely skin. Then I’m going to get into super boy mode and finish my admissions essay tonight.

    i am feeling overwhelmed..i’m facing a lot of deadlines AND my friend is moving in on Wednesday.



  296.  #296Silver-Tongued Siren on December 19, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    This is a great article. I think every word is right on!! Have a lot to say about it, but will have to come back later.

    Also, Izzy – about your boyfriend asking you to call.
    He calls twice a day?
    Sounds good… By the way, Rori encourages women to not be in a committed relationship until you have what you want (engagement, or.. whatever your goal is.)

    Since you are in a relationship, it sounds like, .. I think if you’ve been in it for a while, and he’s been calling you twice a day consistently for a long time.. and you feel comfortable with things.. I would say since he requested a call once in a while, that maybe once a week or so you might give him a call?

    I would double check what everyone else here thinks though. I don’t feel clear on things myself, quite often!



  297.  #297Susan on December 19, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    RE: 287: Izzy says:

    “And he said that he would like me to call him once in awhile. He asked if I don’t feel like talking to him. He said he would lie to receive a phone call.

    He calls me twice a day, I don’t feel the need to call him.

    How often should I call him, since he asked me to?”

    My BF said the same thing to me. He does call me a lot. He kept asking me to call him. I did start calling him, but at about 3 or 4 of his calls to my one. I always make sure he calls me more than I call him. That seems to work for us.



  298.  #298Izzy on December 19, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    295: Silver-Tongued Siren and 289: Lizka

    We have been together for six months.

    I don’t feel like dating right now since I’m 110% focused on getting the job I want. And he takes wonderful care of me. I interact with men from a distance, though, whenever I can. Smiling and getting smiles back.

    I don’t even know when to call him. I think I will just send a cute message when I think about him. He said he felt insecure, so it seems he need to hear that I care about him.



  299.  #299Silver-Tongued Siren on December 19, 2011 at 3:31 pm

    Susan’s post reminded me.. I meant to say… Father-of-(our)Baby also says this. why do I always have to be the one calling/etc. You can call me. You know where I am. etc. I have told him in the past I do not feel comfortable calling men, I prefer they call me, as that way I do not feel I am intruding, rather, I know they want to talk to me, so I feel better if he calls me.

    But he brought it up again later on..this is not the first time. He also has mentioned disliking “gender roles” before, (however oddly he is very masculine and I am very feminine and this works out very well)..

    So as long as he is contacting me REGULARLY and OFTEN, I occasionally initiate a call or text..etc… tho rare. For a while we were talking everyday again, and during that time I would say the same as susan, at least 3-4 calls/chats/etc to my one. Always making sure he initiates more than I do, and the more I initiate, the shorter I keep it.

    Right now he has not been very regular or frequent with communication, so I haven’t been initiating. And until now had really forgotten about it aside from a couple texts I initiated this weekend. And one got a great response, the other ..I felt too leany-forward and didn’t like it. (because he didn’t respond for more than 24 hours.. I know he’s busy, but too busy for me?). No more initiating until we’re back at Regularly and Often! 😀



  300.  #300Aurora Girl on December 19, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    287 Izzy

    ….maybe there doesn`t have to be a formula per se…..maybe if he calls the most that`s his rowing the boat…….and if he asks you to call once in a while it can be seen as a surprise….a feminine way to be light and playful……sweet…….not so much leaning forward but more the water wheel idea of Rori`s…….organic…or natural flow to it….if he is rowing….kinda like you just dropping your hand in the water as he rows…..and swirling your fingers around….not really rowing per se…..just touching down playfully…….giving back a little…..easily……to keep the siren quality to things…….

    I like feeling light about it….playful…… 🙂



  301.  #301Ella on December 19, 2011 at 3:34 pm

    Esteemed I feel concerned and disturbed.

    xoxox

    Also I see you ending it one minute and then in love with him and on the phone within the hour to start the cycle again, as well as him. Just something I noticed.



  302.  #302Izzy on December 19, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    296: Susan

    I think the problem with women starting the communication is if we are used to overfunctioning. Which is not what I’m doing here, really. He gives a lot to me.



  303.  #303Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    MM is out of town and his cell is jacked up so he asked me to call him tonight. He also told me when is a good time to call.

    After the day’s events, I’m not sure if I want to. He’s been calling every day. I don’t know if I’ll call or not. My vibe feels like crap right now.

    Well, maybe not crap, but he always asks how my day has been and I just don’t want to talk about it with him. Lying wouldn’t work. So if I do call, maybe, “it felt kinda sucky, but I don’t want to talk about it.”

    Don’t know. Still have a couple of hours to decide, so we’ll see.



  304.  #304Izzy on December 19, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    299: Aurora Girl

    Wow, that was beautiful! Thank you!



  305.  #305Radiance on December 19, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    245 & 283 Susan

    I can relate to your story of the woman taking dancing lessons because she craved touch. As an adult reflecting back on my childhood I recalled going through a long phase as a middle schooler wearing my hair in pony tails daily… later piecing it together that I did for so long because I would get my mother to do it and it was the only time she touched me.

    I started going to therapy shortly after the affair started, and I told the therapist that even though I knew it had no future and was dissatisfying on many levels, I could not stop it. He asked me why. And I said that I was afraid that I would die. So yes, I was a desperado and was intoxicated by being desired.

    I’ve heard that people sometimes go to doctors, dentists, hair dressers, etc… for that human touch too. I confided my secret once to an acquaintance and she said that when she’s craving touch that isn’t satisfied by her husband that she’ll schedule a massage.

    This year for me has been filled with numerous chiropractic appointments, a surgery and various medical procedures, and I have sometimes considered that all that professional touch has been part of my quest for contact.

    Thank you for telling me about the similarities with your second marriage.

    I feel heard and supported and cared for. I feel companioned. I feel relaxed. I feel warmth toward you.

    I feel very happy for you about your current relationship and encouraged by knowing about your happiness.

    I feel confident. I feel optimistic.



  306.  #306RiverGirl on December 19, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    Hi Sweetpea,

    (((Hugs))) I felt so sad reading about your situation with your Dad. Hope you find some healing.

    Link below is to an Oprah Webcast on letting go of anger. It’s long, but I thought it was very good and thought of it when I read your story.

    http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Oprahs-Lifeclass-Webcast-Day-Two-Anger-with-Iyanla-Vanzant-Video



  307.  #307Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    Thanks River Girl!

    Amazingly, I’m noticing I didn’t jump to anger on this as much as I feared I would. I noticed the hurt much more.

    There’s still some anger there though, so I’ll go watch!

    Thanks again! xoxo

    Right now I feel sleepy – and kind of numb.



  308.  #308Lizka on December 19, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    Hum a potential Cd is asking what my schedule looks like this week…

    I want to see him but I am super busy with Christmas and trip preparation… I want to let him know that I am open to see him but that it would be just for an hour or two…

    How can I say that?!? He hasen’t ask me to go out yet (but he said we would do something this week last time I talked to him.

    Any proposition? I need an idea very quickly, he’s waiting for my answer!!



  309.  #309Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    Lizka,

    Just like that…”My schedule looks really busy with Christmas and trip preparations. I feel open to meeting you, but would only have an hour or two.”



  310.  #310Ice Princess on December 19, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    I am on holiday vacation from work and have had way too much time to think and be one with myself. I need to say some things to LP but I don’t know how to say them in FM and was hoping for some help. I want to say something like this:

    I want to be in a relationship where I am so loved that a man can’t wait to spend time with me (or talk to me) after work. I want to feel safe and secure and know that I could depend on a man if I needed him.



  311.  #311Starla on December 19, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    “My schedule is feeling a little crazy, an hour or two this weekend would feel nice, though, what do you think?”



  312.  #312RiverGirl on December 19, 2011 at 4:13 pm

    Re 122
    The Truth Will Set You Free

    Thanks so much for this link Zara! I had a fantastic afternoon yesterday going through these webcasts. (Used up all my download for the month so my connection has been slowed….Grrr…Gotta love communication in rural Australia in the 21st century!!)

    “You have to tell at least one compassionate witness about something that happened to you or you can not heal from it. The unit of biological survival is one, but the unit of emotional survival for a human is two. If you do not have at least one compassionate witness for everything that ever happens to you, you can’t heal from it…”

    I really loved that quote and I believe that is why this blog is so healing for many of us…so many compassionate witnesses.

    Another quote from Martha Beck that really jumped out at me was this;
    “No pretend people can ever create a real relationship.”
    That is gold I think. Until I get completely honest it will be impossible to have the real relationship I am longing for. I feel so scared to do that, to be so vulnerable. Until I can do that, whatever kind of relationship I have with a man, won’t really exist because I’M not there!
    It feels like a viscious circle sometimes, I can’t let a man see me until I feel safe and he can’t help me feel safe because he can’t see me. I have to find a way to live without the safety net somehow.



  313.  #313Starla on December 19, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    ice princess, you seem to be working backwards here. That is what you want, but why are you telling HIM this? is it because you’re feeling bad? Start there, with your actual feelings, not imaginary future feelings of what you want.



  314.  #314Lizka on December 19, 2011 at 4:16 pm

    Starla, I can’t see him in the weekend either, I’ll be off to Florida…

    What do you think of “My schedule is kind of crazy, but I should find an hour or two for some fun.” ?

    I can not openly say I’m open to see you (not meeting since I already know him), since he hasent officially invite yet…



  315.  #315Starla on December 19, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    Lizka, say hi to my sweet grandma in florida for me:)

    “my schedule FEELS kind of crazy, but an hour or two for some fun would feel nice. what do you think?”



  316.  #316Femininewoman on December 19, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    Radiance Rori’s interview this month was with Charu who teaches tantra. In the interview she talks about touching oneself and giving that kind of intimacy to yourself. What I am getting clear on is giving to oneself what I am expecting another human being to give to me. It seems that they can only give to me what I am willing to give to myself. Don’t know if it will make any sense to you.

    http://embodytantra.com/meet-charu/#



  317.  #317Lizka on December 19, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    314 Starla

    Thank you! Amazing script! Thank you!

    And thank you Sweetpea also for advice! 🙂

    I love Siren Island. Always find the inspkration and help in just a few minutes!



  318.  #318Lizka on December 19, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    Ah yay! New CD! He’s not really new since we kind of dated like 5 years ago but anyway.

    I know he uses to step up a lot (he tried to have me last winter when I was still with P) and he gives a lot too. He is pretty cute and professional just lile I like it, the only thing is he is smaller than me (this I can do anyway), and he is a bad kisser (yes… We kisses last winter…). This, Im not sure…



  319.  #319Susan on December 19, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    RE: 301: Izzy says:

    “296: Susan

    I think the problem with women starting the communication is if we are used to overfunctioning. Which is not what I’m doing here, really. He gives a lot to me.”

    Yes, that is how I see it too! Even if I am the one calling him, it is because he requested it. Just as couple dancing requires moving back and forth, so does a relationship. I don’t feel like I am leaning forward when I call him, but then again, he calls me much more often than I call him.



  320.  #320Susan on December 19, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    Speaking of dancing…

    Sweet Man and I went to a Christmas dinner-dance on Saturday. There was a live band that played danceable music – couple dancing! Sweet Man took me out on the dance floor numerous times and we danced fox trot, swing, cha cha and two step. I can’t remember when I’ve had so much fun. And the way he treated me and looked at me in front of everyone made me feel incredibly feminine. Considering I was 6’1″ in my heels, that was quite a feat!



  321.  #321Lizka on December 19, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    Arrrrgg. I said to SmallCD (hehe) I can only meet right after work so at 5 or 5.30 and he’s trying to convince me to do it later. But I can’t becausr I have all my things to do. I already made my planning, it’s even written in my agenda!! Grrrrrrrr.

    What should I say?

    “I feel disapointed. I can’t make it that late. 7 is the time I would need to go home to have my things done.” ?

    Does it sounds sireny?



  322.  #322lk on December 19, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    @Lizka 320

    i’d say

    “oh i feel sad! i want to be home by 7 to do my chores… what do you think?”



  323.  #323Ice Princess on December 19, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    312 Starla,

    I feel like I need to tell him what I want and need in a relationship whether it be with him or someone else. Do you think I should not say anything? I am so open to any help even if it is telling me I am so very wrong! 🙂



  324.  #324Butterfly wings on December 19, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    Woohooooo!! My Reconnect CDs FINALLY arrived today!!

    Will be transferring them all to my iPhone tonight! Yay!!!



  325.  #325Lizka on December 19, 2011 at 4:50 pm

    Ice Princess, I think you should say nothing. You are so lucky to already be on vacation! If I was you, I would not take this time to think of what i want to tell him. There’s so many other things you can do for YOURSELF. No? Manucure? Go skiing? Christmas shopping (maybe for a gift for yourself?), go see a movie? go to the library and take a good book to make you dream? Call a girl friend? Take a hot bath with candles and a glass of wine? Go to the spa and get a massage? Oh girl you are so lucky to be on vacation, there’s so much that I would want to do if I were you!



  326.  #326lk on December 19, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    CDcd said that this seems “too good to be true”

    eeek that is right. that is scary !

    but… baby lk wants to say…. but he’s making coloring books for his nieces & nephews ! he’s really good !

    ummmmm lawyer lk is like, boy scares me. what about money ?

    mean, lawyer lk. how much money do you make, mean lk ?

    oh, right. you make all our money. i forgetted about how good you are & stuff at doing things while i sit around & stare at the sky & think ………. o_0

    but also he is so CUTE. lol whatever he is not even your type. no but i’m serious he is dreamy. i know, i know…..

    kissing. ridiculous. seriously better than my own finely-honed fantasies that have been my favorites since sxxual baby-hood……. wow yes that’s awesome

    i like my physical exclusivity. i didn’t think i’d feel that way, but after we kissed it was just the Truth that i would feel bad to kiss someone else. though i did kiss someone this weekend of course but like i said that was just easy party fun, not my choice, just a little event : ) i liked it! not sxxual, not scary, just very welcoming

    i want to think of a really good inexpensive nice thing to give for holidays : )

    ah i’m glad & excited about new years plans !

    i want christmas eve plans maybe… hm….. maybe i want that……. oh i think i do : ) i can say that to him ! i can say what i want, because that is how you get what you want. i want to wake up next to him on christmas : )



  327.  #327Ice Princess on December 19, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    Lizka,

    I’ve done a lot of those things. Even organized my closet, went out for a nice dinner, bought clothes for myself…

    I am upset tonight by the fact that he stores Christmas decor and whatnot here but went to his mother for something he already owns. I am guessing so that he didn’t have to bother with me. Then he says “I may be taking weds and thurs off of work but I’ll call you later to make plans.”. I already made plans for those days. I know that I am having a week where I am highly irritated with things that wouldn’t bother me as much normally so I’m trying to control that piece of me.



  328.  #328Lizka on December 19, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    I will not see SmallCD before coming back from vacation, so not before January 9th…

    I feel happy that i did not accept to undo my schedule to find time for him. I would have never done that before. Like this i get to think of me and not to rush in my preparation and I will have my dedicated time for my marathon training.

    He said “Ok i understand 🙁 Let me know when u have more time” and I answered “I’ll be back from vacation on January 9th… It feels sad that we can’t get to meet before… ”

    Is that sireny enough?



  329.  #329lk on December 19, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    i feel weird & shut out from other people right now.

    i’m way deep in the recesses of my secrets….

    it’s really cool over here & i can feel the whole line of energy in my body super lit up around the core, thick with light & buzzing



  330.  #330Lizka on December 19, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    Hugs Ice Princess. Keep trying to control yourself and lean back. I think you are over analyzing.

    xoxo



  331.  #331lk on December 19, 2011 at 5:04 pm

    @Ice Princess 326

    “I am guessing so that he didn’t have to bother with me.”

    lol, why would you guess that ?

    as i like to tell myself, “wow, you invented that problem”

    : ) no problem, lady : ) just assume the best of your man & be open about how you feel & welcoming to all gestures you like & impervious to all gestures you don’t like : )



  332.  #332lk on December 19, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    @Lizka 327

    i like that ! do you feel good ?



  333.  #333Lizka on December 19, 2011 at 5:07 pm

    Thank you Lizka for not rushing to do your chores for a man.

    Thank you Lizka for keeping your training planning the same and not changing it for a man.

    Thank you Lizka for making YOU the biggest priority in your life.



  334.  #334lk on December 19, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    i like alan carr’s ideas about Easy Way

    because you don’t “control yourself”

    you just do what you want & don’t let confusion interfere with your understanding of what you really want : )

    I really want CDcd to call me, so i almost feel that he’ll forget & i’ll feel sad. that make me want to call him first before he can forget.

    i know i want *him* to call *me* though : ) so that actually won’t help if i just call him

    if i don’t hear from him tonight, he will call tomorrow. that’s nice : )

    & i want to see him Thursday, so i have plenty of time for plans to arise without feeling pressure or creating pressure : )

    free & easy, baby lk : )

    maybe you could call someone else if you feel antsy ?

    who in god’s name would want to talk to you right now? all you want to talk about are secrets ……..

    that’s why i want CDcd back.

    maybe Neighbor is home : )))) i’ll go check : )



  335.  #335lk on December 19, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    samso by pretty lights makes me think of sqw & just lots of love

    i’m so glad i don’t have anger for any men : ) i love the men, even the ones who i’ve cried tears or gotten super nervous about. i don’t mind ! they’re all lovely !!! wow, how very wonderful & lovely & now i see myself as a widow & all the men just gather round me & do all my chores & provide for me because i am their friend & they respected my husband

    that’s so moving & sad…. i want to write a story about it but i hate writing fiction



  336.  #336lk on December 19, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    i’d really feel happy if someone talked to me on the blog, but if i’m inviting silence, that is ok too : )

    i want everyone to just do what they want, no pressure

    : ) i’m smiling & i’m going to see if my friend is home next door



  337.  #337lk on December 19, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    OH the big popping – big like BAM & all very lovely like the costumes of the sugar plum fairies & also the strangest feeling that i’ve typed this out before



  338.  #338Lizka on December 19, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    Yes lk I feel extremly good! And I don’t feel afraid that he won’t call me again (in the past, I would have feel like that). I know that if he wants me, he already note in his agenda that I’m coming back January 9th. Hehe



  339.  #339Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    RiverGirl @ 305,

    Thanks again. The hurt is what I was wanting to get to with him. I’m glad I watched this before I called. I AM going to do this though.

    It’s bringing up so much for me – how I felt lost and alone during what was probably the darkest time of my life. And I want to blame him for it – he was an adult and made excuses for leaving me. Yes. I feel like he left me – abandoned me.

    And then my mom died – and that felt like she left and abandoned me, too. I’m not sure how to do this without sounding blaming. I guess I have to stop blaming.

    And now it feels a bit like anger again. More healing to do – this will be liberating when it’s done. It’ll be good.



  340.  #340Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 5:20 pm

    And the hurt is… fear. Of what? Being abandoned yet again? Isn’t twice enough?!

    See?! Blame, blame. Blech!



  341.  #341Lizka on December 19, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    lk, I feel like talking to you 🙂



  342.  #342Ice Princess on December 19, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    330 lk,

    You could be right about me making a problem where there isn’t one. I also have all of his kids Santa presents here and I don’t know how to ask him if we are doing Christmas here or if he should pick them up. If I say it wrong I fear I make the decision for him.



  343.  #343Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    Ok… So I abandoned myself.

    How long ago? Before that, probably.

    Clarity, oh glorious clarity.



  344.  #344Starla on December 19, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    lizka, that’s so awesome, putting yourself first rocks.



  345.  #345Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    I believe in miracles!!!!

    My friend and I just manifested $760 – which will pay off my storage rent — 2 days before it was set to auction!

    Hallelujah!!

    I don’t need my Dad’s help! The Universe is full of miracles!!



  346.  #346Radiance on December 19, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    Hi lk…

    I like reading about your CDs and insights and experiences… I lose track on the blog of what I have read and not read… I want to respond to so many Sirens posts and I run out of time. I want to remember all this wisdom. I try to be fluid with it and just let it sink and penetrate. And become part of me.



  347.  #347Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    And tomorrow is my meeting with the Fashion Consultant.

    I’ve had sooo many wonderful things manifest for me the last couple of weeks – I’m even starting to feel more confident that good things will come out of this – and it won’t fizzle like the couple of other promising things I had happen the last few months.

    I don’t know what’s gonna happen…but it’s gonna be big. I’m gonna be on here again, telling all of you “I believe in miracles!!!”



  348.  #348Starla on December 19, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    lk 334, it feels so good to read someone saying positive things about men, thank you.

    i cringe when i hear women talk shxt about men. it feels like “owwwwie,” like it wounds me as a human when forces turn upon one of my kind, male or female, and slander the very essence of what they are.

    men are wonderful. I was thinking today about how loving men are… I thought of a lot of examples of men I know or dated who are extremely loving, and it feels so safe and right to know that, like I’m protected and loved by all the men in this world, because that is their nature – to love and protect the loveable women of the world.



  349.  #349lk on December 19, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    awww i feel loved : )

    thank you, sirens for the HELLOs : )



  350.  #350Starla on December 19, 2011 at 5:48 pm

    Oooh, Sweetpea is magic. 0_o



  351.  #351Radiance on December 19, 2011 at 5:48 pm

    315 FW

    Yes to Charu!! I listened to Rori’s interview with her yesterday while driving for an unexpected errand that sprang up. I was really excited about what she had to say. She said some things about working with her partner that challenged me to explore digging deeper with mine.

    Yes to increasing intimacy with myself. I want to make that space to meet myself as she put it. Thanks for the nudge. And the link.



  352.  #352lk on December 19, 2011 at 5:49 pm

    my Neighbor just reminded me about my dream of something big on December 14th …. well that is the day CDcd first kissed me & asked me to be his exclusively…. hm. that was part of the message, “it’s really normal for people to get engaged 2 weeks after saying ‘i love you'” & today randomly i had a vision of CDcd saying that to me & my response



  353.  #353lk on December 19, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    awwww Sweetpea ! yayyyy !!!



  354.  #354Radiance on December 19, 2011 at 5:54 pm

    After listening to Rori’s interview with Charu, I wanted to ask divorced sirens if they find it true that issues from previous marriage(s) reappear in later relationships. Either as the same issue or the same issue manifested differently?…



  355.  #355Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    Thanks lk and Starla,

    lk,

    Where did you get that little tidbit on a proposal two weeks after “I love you?” I feel very curious and wondering, “Could that be true?” It feels exciting to think about.



  356.  #356lk on December 19, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    @Sweetpea 354

    it was part of a dream actually …. that just had December 14th all big & then just said that…

    i don’t know ! it feels weird & scary to me…. i had forgotten until my neighbor said, Oh, so is CDcd the 2 weeks guy ?

    lol…. kind of …..



  357.  #357Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    lk,

    Wow! Guess you’ll find out… Dec. 28th…



  358.  #358Radiance on December 19, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    Also, I started reflecting on my stance related to splitting up/divorce representing “moving on.” Growing apart. Paths diverging. Making it sound so casual. Maybe I’m in denial about. Maybe divorce really is a failure. Because if the goal at the outset is not that, then …

    Then I started thinking about a start-up business as an analogy. Take restaurants. Entrepreneurs open restaurants all the time with dreams of success. So let’s say the restaurant is successful for years. Serves many happy diners lots of wonderful meals. But something happens, diet trends change, demographics of the location change, economy… something. And there are financial problems. Customers decline, the owners can’t meet expenses and decide to close up. Is it really a failure?… What about all that history?… All those meals and celebrations enjoyed. Those were not failures. At what point did it become a failure? Why is thinking about all this important to me?…

    I guess I am scared. Right now I am coasting along. Content but not deeply happy. I am afraid of all the devastation a divorce would bring even though I don’t believe that it has to be that way. Maybe I am deluding myself.

    Maybe I haven’t put enough effort into healing this relationship that has so much history. I liked what Charu said about a relationship being all new every day. That challenges me.



  359.  #359Rori Raye on December 19, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    Cuore…I’m going to do a whole post on your question. Everyone – look for it in a few weeks – basically it’ll say: The KEY to this is …are you “instructing” them on your “rules” – or are you genuinely sharing your state of confusion with full vulnerability and warmth? The VIBE is everything. The words are important in helping you get the vibe in your body…and my guess is that the moment a guy suggests you call or text that you “freeze up” and “shut down” and feel confused and angry that they even mentioned it – and then go cold. Try going with a PLAYFUL interpretation…this is all pretty silly when you think about it at a core level….Love, Rori



  360.  #360Susan on December 19, 2011 at 6:15 pm

    RE: 353: Radiance says:

    “After listening to Rori’s interview with Charu, I wanted to ask divorced sirens if they find it true that issues from previous marriage(s) reappear in later relationships. Either as the same issue or the same issue manifested differently?…”

    That is what happened with me. After my first divorce, I went to a therapist because the entire three year marriage was a traumatic event for me. He literally changed on our wedding day into a monster. I didn’t want to choose that again, so I got help. When I chose my second husband, I thought it was such a healthy and wonderful relationship and had little in common with my first marriage. I was wrong. It just fully revealed itself later. My family could see the issue both times and I couldn’t. My second husband was not a monster, but the things that killed my love for him were the same issues, just not as dramatic.

    Now I am dating Sweet Man, I am seeing some traits I recognize. But I’m not worried about that, because I won’t re-marry. With each serious relationship I have, the same issues come up, but each time they are softer.

    I have also noticed that from Sweet Man’s stories of his relationship past that he is also repeating his abandonment issues.

    For both of us, these issues were created when we were children.

    I have come to believe that none of us are whole. I do believe that some are less injured than others or have healed more than others. And some are more open to healing.



  361.  #361RiverGirl on December 19, 2011 at 6:16 pm

    Sweetpea @ 337

    I’m glad it was helpful for you. You seem so positive about life I know that will be your best ally in getting through this hurt.

    I don’t know how your situation with your Dad panned out, so I’m talking very broadly here. I wonder if it would be helpful to reframe your story to say that he didn’t abandon you, it just happened that he left. You are only guessing that life would have been easier if he had been around, it could have actually been horrible if he wasn’t ready to parent you the way you needed. Maybe you dodged a bullet.

    The fact that you did feel hurt, and still carry that is in many ways a gift as it has given you the need to go deep to discover the truth of who you are, how strong you are, how sensitive you are, how awesome you are!



  362.  #362Lizka on December 19, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    Yay! I did half of my luggage packing! Youhou! I’m on time in my chores! La la la



  363.  #363Lizka on December 19, 2011 at 6:35 pm

    Oh oh… Dealing with an issue… While packing, I decided I would bring some of my DVDs with me in case for rainy days and for the road. And I realised I am missing on of the disc of my favorite serie… I looked everywhere possible, in all the other boxes and in my computer. Not there… And I realised that the last person I watched it with is P… And we actually might have watch it on HIS computer….

    I am absolutly not lookinh for a reason to call him. Actually I would like to try avoiding to call him. Because he said he missed me last week and that when I come back from Florida, we should do something. And I don’t want to break the magic of leaning back…

    But I am really wondering for my DVD… Is there a way I can call him without to seem like I am chasing him? Because I AM BOT chasing him.

    Is the only way to get out of this is to forget about my poor DVD? 🙁

    Any idea? Suggestion? Thought? It would be so appreciated…



  364.  #364Starla on December 19, 2011 at 6:40 pm

    whew! thank you starla for figuring out that application issue. will you please cook me some food now, so i have fuel to keep going? i know you get to thinking that if we take a break to cook and eat, we’re shoving off work, but i can’t get that much done anyway if i feel hungry.

    wow, please? i feel scared telling you this. cuz i don’t feel taken care of in this way, and i feel afraid like i’m not good enough to insist on being taken care of right.

    thank you, let’s go cook some food:)



  365.  #365Daria on December 19, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    feeling lonely

    i love me



  366.  #366Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    RG @ 361,

    You are so right. I was raised in a strictly religious household and I don’t know if I would feel free to be myself if things hadn’t panned out the way the have. As it is, it’s been very painful and hard for me to heal the fear of abandonment, the fear of loss, but I’ve been free to find my own way. Which I believe is a good way.

    I’m asking myself now if I even need to go here with my Dad. I love him. Is it really necessary to bring this all up, or can I heal it within myself, without involving him? I don’t know. I don’t need his help to heal it, though. I may need to share with him afterwards, the healing I’ve experienced – or maybe not.

    I feel almost guilty, actually. It feels wrong to be able to find something positive in the loss of my Mom.



  367.  #367Aurora Girl on December 19, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    353 radiance , 360 Susan

    …do issues from previous marriage(s) reappear in later relationships. Either as the same issue or the same issue manifested differently?

    lol…my sister in law who I love dearly shared a phrase with me….`we marry our unfinished business`…..

    I think that rings true for me…..in fact I think every relationship I have is a new chance to flush out issues from previous relationships….even relationships with my women friends…..and certainly intimate relationships with men……..in my current LD relationship I feel myself get triggered often…..I have to own that it`s me most of the time…and I know he is getting triggered from his old patterns too….in fact we can speak to it openly and that`s HUGE….that we can watch it happen together and comment on it openly without judgement….the healing for me comes in watching myself get vulnerable and him too and working through it this time …as much as possible…..on whatever it is….and knowing there will be more to show up to keep healing that unfinished business…..as Ester Hicks says `you `re never done and you can never get it wrong`….

    all good!

    xo



  368.  #368Daria on December 19, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    i feel afraid on insisting that i use mom’s bike 🙁



  369.  #369Starla on December 19, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    aw that was so sweet of you to get me a snack since the fish is still frozen, and suggesting i do something to take care of myself that requires less stamina and energy while i’m waiting to eat, like take a nice shower.



  370.  #370Radiance on December 19, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    360 Susan

    Thank you for answering my question and for your honesty and for sharing your personal journey with me. I feel heartened to read that the issues softened for you over time.

    I find much wisdom in this that you wrote:

    “For both of us, these issues were created when we were children.

    I have come to believe that none of us are whole. I do believe that some are less injured than others or have healed more than others. And some are more open to healing.”



  371.  #371Daria on December 19, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    anyone thinks i should call NohCD and tell him to figure out a way to pick me up?

    YES! i DO!! i DO I DO I DO!!

    pick me ! pick me!!

    NO.

    ouchie!!! 🙁 scowl

    oh wow phone ringing AND neighbor guy friend CD showed up outside

    i now punked him into kicking it with me like i always do

    hnmmm

    love to me



  372.  #372Starla on December 19, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    Lizka, not suggesting that you’re made of money, but is it important enough to own that you would just go buy another one? That’s always an option.

    This is a tricky one.



  373.  #373Susan on December 19, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    Radiance,

    Sweet Man and I have been together for over a year. We were dating 4 years before that and he left me because he was starting to care for me and it frightened him. He has a very hard time letting anyone close and after he did a lot of soul searching he contacted me after a 4 year absence and asked for a second chance. I am so very happy he contacted me after those four years. To this day, he has not told me he loves me. He ACTS like he does, but sometimes says things to push me away. If it were not for Rori’s teachings, he’d be gone again. I’m sure of it. Her guidance has helped me create a soft, safe place for him to rest his heart. And mine has been able to rest too.



  374.  #374Lizka on December 19, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    I know Starla, if it was just one DvD I would do so… But it’s ONE disc of a serie of 10… It’s over 100$… 🙁



  375.  #375Aurora Girl on December 19, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    Good night Sirens….was a good day…tomorrow will be a new one…..

    🙂



  376.  #376Lizka on December 19, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    Ok. After a deep examination of my soul, I realised that even if I thought it was NOT just a reason to call P, it actually IS.

    I’ve seen this serie thousand of times. Even if I miss 3 episodes, I am not going to die. Worst case, I will ask him when he calls one day. Or when I don’t feel ANY kind of love feelings for him, in a few weeks or in a few months. Or at least when I will be absolutly sure that I am not hopping more than getting back my DVD. For now, I don’t feel sure.

    Go go go Lizka, now go back on focusing on nothing else than your wonderful self…



  377.  #377Silver-Tongued Siren on December 19, 2011 at 7:17 pm

    opinions? Should father-of-baby send me money for gas at least, since he wants to see me for christmas eve? (he actually wants me to stay the entire weekend).

    This is also to see our baby.. and so his family can see our baby. but.. it’s also to see me. (right?)

    I feel unwise spending anymore money, since because of not being able to work freely, I can’t even make all of my rent/bills. But, if it were a man asking me on a date or trip, I wouldn’t tell him “I feel unwise spending money right now”, I would expect he was going to pay for it.

    But since this is also to see our son, I am confused.
    Any ideas?
    What should I say?



  378.  #378Silver-Tongued Siren on December 19, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    Maybe I will just say.. “I would love to see you on Christmas Eve, but I feel unwise spending money to drive there.”..
    What do you all think?

    I really don’t know if he should *ever* ask me to drive somewhere to meet him and not offer to send gas money or pick me up, but I also feel like I’m not being understanding if I expect him to offer gas money, since he’s already driving quite some distance and doesn’t have a lot of money right now, either. But neither do I!



  379.  #379Starla on December 19, 2011 at 7:26 pm

    “It would feel so nice for all of us to spend the holiday together, but i feel weird about driving there because i don’t want to spend all that money on gas. is there something we can do? what do you think?”

    ladies, other suggestions?



  380.  #380Butterfly wings on December 19, 2011 at 7:34 pm

    How about this: It would feel so good to have Christmas together but I’m feeling stressed/uneasy/worried about spending money I don’t really have. What do you think?

    What do you all think?? I’m still struggling a little with these…



  381.  #381RiverGirl on December 19, 2011 at 7:38 pm

    366: Sweetpea says:

    “I feel almost guilty, actually. It feels wrong to be able to find something positive in the loss of my Mom”

    Yeah, it’s a hard one and funny how we humans want to take the blame all the time for things that are totally out of our control. xo



  382.  #382lk on December 19, 2011 at 7:46 pm

    wow, that was nice…

    i had just made food & turned off the music for some reason & then my phone rang — CDcd! yayyy he didn’t forget about me lol

    he talked to me for 1.5 hours even though we just saw each other today & we made a plan for Thursday….

    feel the tiniest bit unsatisfied because i wanted to ask him 1 question….. an important one…. but i can bring things that make it not matter & we can talk about it in person. that will actually be better. & also i want to see him christmas eve i think ? but that will be better if he asks me, so he doesn’t feel pressure, like forced intimacy….

    & @Sweetpea 357
    yes…. hmmm…… i’m actually thinking now that Dec. 28 may not be the “thing” – i had originally circled both that date & the 14th in my calendar…. – but now i’m curious about 2 weeks from a day that i don’t know.

    it was Dec. 14th big, then the 2 weeks from “I love you” but I don’t think the “i love you” would come now……. but 2 weeks from whenever that happens ? or maybe there is still something about December 28…. hm, i do feel curious… & yes, scared !



  383.  #383Femininewoman on December 19, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    Ice Princess I am wondering if there is some overfunctioning going on so you can please LP. Then when you don’t the response you expect you feel resentful? Are you sure you are not keeping the kids in an effort to get him to see how good of a woman you really are?



  384.  #384lk on December 19, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    while we talked, i cleaned my whole apartment : ) now it’s all nice for the baby lk to make her fairy crowns tomorrow ! yayyyyyyyyy baby lk !!!! yayyyyyyy

    i’m so mad at myself for still thinking something about cigarettes.

    i talked it out with CDcd…. the belief that I must be lonely & isolated……. the thing i didn’t say, because it’s too obvious & you can’t say it to someone who cares about you (the other dark drive, that doesn’t make me feel very alarmed, but it will mean sadness for others….)…………….

    just stopping isn’t hard…. it’s the idea that i’m done with it… that i have learned everything from it…. have i juiced the grapes ???????

    i want to say yes

    i do want to say yes….

    so then lk what was it ? what was the big lesson ?

    well………….. ok, i think in life you can either collect desires, or give them up. it’s a choice! life is desire (breath, water, food, shelter, labor, love) & thus suffering. i know that. to desire is to suffer. to cease desire & attachment is pleasure.

    ah jeez. really lk??? now what do i do ?

    well, in normal life you don’t stop the first 6, so you can at least do me the favor of not collecting extra desires right ? like nicotine, like approval, like cash money, like fancy cars & bling.. lol thanks rapper lk that’s pretty helpful…

    ok, yes, i do want to say goodbye to my desires & i can just quit this & be so happy to be reminded of the freedom of detaching from desire every time i want just one taste of the smoky kiss…

    alright, yes, fine, go forth. read the book & say goodbye, lk : )

    i want that especially for the breath & the dreams : ) also for the kissing : ) & also for the freedom & the space to be without that attachment : ) oh, yes, there it is….

    remember why you started ?????

    i do ! to quit : ) oh silly baby lk with her bad dreams



  385.  #385tenny on December 19, 2011 at 8:02 pm

    I’m a fireball of feelings tonight. Triggered by so many different posts by sirens today.

    Triggered by thoughts of my ex. My ex was the perfect guy, then it turned out he had serious emotional issues. My heart goes out to him, but I’m so so so very glad to be apart from him. Life is balanced for me now, even though I am lonely. I love being balanced instead of upside down and tormented.

    Triggered by my CDs. They honestly bore me. Not one excites me in the least. I know the quality improves with practice, etc. But today I feel bored because no one excites me. Yet, I’m ready for someone new (other than my ex – which is proof I’ve come far).

    I feel sad because I closed myself off from other me. Yes, hot to trot tenny was sitting home putting it on ice for someone who flits from one thought and one moment to the other as a normal course of life. AHHHHHH, but that was then, this is now. I’m free now.

    Sometimes I want a break from my feelings, but then, I would not be breathing. I love my feelings.



  386.  #386lk on December 19, 2011 at 8:05 pm

    @RiverGirl 312

    “The unit of biological survival is one, but the unit of emotional survival for a human is two.”

    wow, that’s nice… that reminds me of CDcd saying to me, “I’m not here to be your protector or your leader. I’m here to share your experience & witness your life… there is some element of helping & protecting, but the essence is sharing” that’s paraphrased, but that was the message…. it was so moving & shocking actually. i said nothing. but it stuck with me.



  387.  #387lk on December 19, 2011 at 8:07 pm

    hi, tenny : )

    i know the feeling of being bored by CDs….. but it only takes one, right ? : )



  388.  #388lk on December 19, 2011 at 8:09 pm

    when i get bored with men, i have an abstract drawing of a man’s face i made that has writing all over it listing things i want in my ideal partner…. someone who likes fire…. someone who is tolerant of mistakes & admiring of strength….. someone who makes art & loves music…. someone who is curious….

    & i go in & add to it & really conjure up the image in the fire of my mind : )



  389.  #389Ice Princess on December 19, 2011 at 8:11 pm

    383 FW

    I am not keeping these things to be a good woman in his eyes. In fact, I have asked him so many times to get these things and he acts funny when I ask him to get them saying I am pushing him away. At this point I don’t know what is right or wrong in this situation so I have kept quiet about the things over the past two weeks.



  390.  #390tenny on December 19, 2011 at 8:13 pm

    Hi IK. Yes, it takes only one 🙂 but for today, I am bored, and they are some really nice guys. I feel bad that they bore me. I want a passion like I used to have. But dating is fun, I can’t deny that, just not feeling it today 🙂



  391.  #391lk on December 19, 2011 at 8:14 pm

    @Cuore 287

    i don’t know if this helps you… but i don’t think, oh i have these old-fashioned standards that i want a man to live up to… that feels like blaming or like measuring & like passing judgment on inadequacies or something…

    i like to just be really soft & vulnerable, like, “oh… actually…. i feel scared to call men… i don’t really like it…. it makes me feel nervous & like i might be intruding….. it would feel nice if you called though ! i would like to talk to you & i just feel scared to call myself… what do you think ?”

    i think the good men say, ohhhh, ok, yes i understand, i can help you, i can save you from being scared !

    & then they are the Hero, not the Inadequate Modern Man



  392.  #392lk on December 19, 2011 at 8:24 pm

    i bet i can wake early & go to yoga tomorrow : )

    i will wake at 5 to pack lunch & shower & turn the car on early to warm up

    then yoga, work, clean floors, clean bathroom, do dishes, make fairy crowns & listen to Beowulf : ) such a good dark day winter tale : )))

    AH now i’m thinking of a Winter’s Tale : ))))) oh that would be so delightful to talk about with someone : ) i love that story….. like…. is she *really* walking ? what’s real ? who’s lying ? ahhhh : ) haha i’m smiling & laughing : )

    and i want to eat: yogurt & fruit, beans & tomatoes with crackers……. & i’ll get a coffee on my way to work. oh & i want a cookie : ) that’s nice



  393.  #393lk on December 19, 2011 at 8:51 pm

    here’s a deep dark secret for Starla… i secretly feel like reading about you & CF helped me manifest someone really similar to him : ) thank you for the inspiration & tell him i think he sounds so great : )))

    at first, that kind of man sounded boring & scary, but now i like him : )

    thank you, lk for doing the dishes & packing my lunch *now* instead of making me do it at 5 in the morning, you are a real saint lol…. ummmm…. you want to take your calcium & then do a quick shower & while you’re in there clean the bathroom ? ? worth a shot ……..

    now tomorrow it’s just wake, take lunch/planner/work clothes, yoga, coffee, work, clean the floors, make fairy crowns … sounds easy !



  394.  #394lk on December 19, 2011 at 8:52 pm

    spam the blog ! spam the blog !

    go to bed, lk



  395.  #395Butterfly wings on December 19, 2011 at 8:56 pm

    Heading out tonight to pick up TH’s Christmas present.

    It’s an exercise bike. He already has one of those, but at his house. This one is for him to keep at my house.

    This was his idea and I like it cos when he’s not over, I’ll be able to use it!! Yay!



  396.  #396Emerson on December 19, 2011 at 8:56 pm

    391 lk
    i like



  397.  #397T-Girl on December 19, 2011 at 8:59 pm

    I just had my first experience with a cd from last March asking if we could date again….this time for real (whatever that means). He doesn’t come close to the man I have in my life now. But I admit it felt good.



  398.  #398T-Girl on December 19, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    395 BW
    Good thinking…double duty gift lol!



  399.  #399Starla on December 19, 2011 at 9:03 pm

    “at first, that kind of man sounded boring & scary, but now i like him : )”

    that’s the healing, weee



  400.  #400Starla on December 19, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    I’m noticing that now that CF is coming on to me sexually, I am freezing up a lot. I’m not sure what that’s about, but I definitely feel uncomfortable, and physically I am experiencing discomfort in that area and my gut tells me it is a defense mechanism I’ve manifested to keep him out sexually.

    Maybe I should consider hiring Dominique?



  401.  #401Starla on December 19, 2011 at 9:22 pm

    Maybe there are some body relaxing/releasing exercises I can try on my own before spending all that $$

    Feelin optimistic:)



  402.  #402Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 9:33 pm

    My day is now complete. Heehee

    I didn’t get to watch the game tonight, so MM commentated the entire second half of it for me. And he has the sexiest voice…yum!

    Well… just had to share. It’s been a bit of a rough one, but ending on a high note. And…tomorrow shall begin on a high note.

    So… life is good.



  403.  #403Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 9:36 pm

    Starla,

    I feel confident that Dominique would be able to help you, but in the meantime, there’s always Rori’s exercise. I can’t remember what it’s called, but it’s in her e-book – within the first few chapters.

    Where you imagine your man coming to you, in whatever romantic way you want to imagine, and you play out the whole thing in your mind; how he touches you, what he says to you, etc. Meanwhile, you concentrate on keeping your heart open.

    You know which one I’m talking about?



  404.  #404Jilly on December 19, 2011 at 9:38 pm

    well…I feel sleepy but I really want to write for a minute…

    things with S feel really good for the most part…he’s never really liked kissing..but he says he likes kissing me..I’ve never heard of a man not liking kissing..hopefully this can be resolved…we’ve talked (in feeling messages) about it and he’s making an effort to kiss me more…but it’s not the same as a “natural” kiss lol…
    I am grateful for his efforts!

    then…since I posted a NEW pic on pof…I have had 40 new emails!!!! I seriously cannot believe it…and a few seem like top notch right off the bat…wow…
    but I have guilty feelings looking on POF because of S…even though we are not exclusive..he brought up being exclusive the other day…I STILL have a difficult time with the no girlfriend speech



  405.  #405Starla on December 19, 2011 at 9:46 pm

    I’ve never really thought much about sex, except that it scares me.

    I mean, I enjoy sex and it usually feels awesome, and I fantasize about CF while I’m trapped in boring meetings, but I kind of mentally block out my fears around it, always have, and I can tell it’s paralyzing me a little bit and sending my body into defense mode.

    ooooh much work to do here.

    CF grabs my ass just about any chance he gets to. He’s really stepping it up. I told him, trying to act cool but really scared out of my mind, “I see you’ve taken a liking to my ass.” and he said if it made me the slightest bit uncomfortable he would stop at once. I thought about it because I was very uncomfortable, but I also knew he really would stop if I requested it, which made me just say “i know you would.” and then a second later I put his hand there myself.

    Seeee it’s all kinda weird.

    I think it would do me some good to learn how to communicate about physical boundaries and let my heart and body receive this kind of attention.

    hmmm actually i am just not ready to sleep with him because he hasn’t got a plan for us to start our lives together, far as i know. which is what i want. because if i sleep with him, i will feel very very soulfully attached to him, i know i will, and i might end up giving myself over to someone who hasn’t got a plan for us to start our lives together, and i’ll miss out on starting a life with someone who is actually ready.

    thanks for letting me spam/riff, people



  406.  #406Jilly on December 19, 2011 at 9:49 pm

    Starla…you sound so good and new…from the previous Starla 🙂



  407.  #407Jilly on December 19, 2011 at 9:51 pm

    Sweetpea…sounds like things are going great! yay! I feel happy hearing about miracles and how the universe does take care of things for us…hmmmm….love it!



  408.  #408Starla on December 19, 2011 at 9:57 pm

    Thanks Jilly:)

    I just read about the kissing with your guy…I feel excited and yummy thinking about relaxing all sireny into his little “forced” kisses… magic!! lol i love being kissed all the time, i feel happy for you!



  409.  #409Jilly on December 19, 2011 at 9:59 pm

    Thanks Starla..lol..I love that image..it’s cracking me up



  410.  #410Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 10:02 pm

    Jilly @ 407,

    Thank you. Today’s been a bit of a rollercoaster, but my life feels so full of miracles lately. The funny thing is that outwardly, nothing has changed. This is all internal stuff that’s healing and beginning to reflect outwardly.

    I feel thrilled to hear things seem to be going well for you, too, Jilly.

    Hugs and warm wishes. xoxo



  411.  #411Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 10:09 pm

    I told MM tonight that my life feels like a snowball of miracles that just keeps growing and gaining speed. It felt sort of embarrassing to tell him.

    I’ve not discussed with him the fact that I was about to lose everything I had in storage with him. I’m practicing opening up, but I have a hard time sharing stuff like that with most people. It feels embarrassing and shameful, like I can’t take care of myself.

    And maybe I’ve never been able to take care of myself. Maybe the Universe has been taking care of me all this time and I’m just learning to be more receiving and open to it.

    I’m open to receiving. I still feel like I need to be earning and that my gifts and time aren’t deserving of compensation. Slowly but surely, I’m receiving healing for that.

    Hey! Tonight I printed biz cards with my name on them and didn’t feel cringing, like I don’t want people to know who I am. That felt huge!

    I’m getting there. I can’t run a biz like mine if I’m hiding. And I’m inching out. It feels uncomfortable, but I’m getting there!



  412.  #412Butterfly wings on December 19, 2011 at 10:12 pm

    Yay Sweetpea! So glad things are looking up for you right now! You’re attracting these miracles into your life so keep ’em coming! 😉



  413.  #413Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 10:23 pm

    Starla @ 405,

    I imagine it would feel safer to know a relationship is going somewhere before I became sexual. I’ve never done so. I’m not even doing so now. I have no idea what that would feel like. I still don’t know where things are going with MM.

    This is a bit off the subject, and not something I’m recommending, but even not having a concrete plan, a ring, an engagement, etc. I can see where he’s helping me to heal sexually, as well. I feel safe with him, even not knowing that he’s going to be part of my life tomorrow.

    I guess I don’t really know what to say about this. I feel a little envious of you. Yet I feel grateful too, that I don’t feel all this pressure around sex with him. I feel grateful being able to feel so safe with a man and not feel worried about whether or not he’s my Mr. Right.

    He’s my Mr. Right Now. Heehee.

    That felt naughty to say.

    I’m wondering if there’s not some fear around whether it will feel right. What if, like Samantha in Sex and the City, when she finally fell in love, you’re disappointed in the sex and it’s a dealbreaker for you? Is that possibly an underlying fear?

    I know in the past, I felt all hung up on guys after I had sex with them, and I know that oxytocin does play a part. I don’t feel all weirded out and obsessive about MM though – like I did about guys in the past.

    Maybe I need to get more clarity about what I’m trying to tell you here. I’m trying to put myself in your shoes, and to the extent of being concerned abut bonding with someone too quickly, I can totally identify. Since I’ve gotten more emotionally healthy though, it doesn’t seem to factor in as much.

    I’m not going to try to tell you that I could take MM or leave him at this point. I don’t think I would be able to tell you that if I wasn’t sexually involved either. What I AM saying, is that since I’m more healthy emotionally, I just don’t feel that need to make it work, no matter what – that I used to contribute to the sexual bonding.

    I still don’t know if we’ll be together this time next month. Things look promising, I feel great when I’m around him…but it wouldn’t be the end of the world as I know it if we’re not.

    Does any of this make any sense at all?

    I feel a bit as if I chased the rabbit around the bush and still didn’t catch it.



  414.  #414Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 10:28 pm

    BW @ 412,

    Thanks for the encouragement. I know I can keep doing this.

    I feel like I’m getting the secret formula. heehee

    MM told me he’s not going to be able to retire until he’s in his 70s. I told him, “not me. I’m gonna be RICH!” He said, “Oh yeah?”

    “Yep. Watch me!” It feels so strange to be able to say that so confidently. I told him I’d feel happier if I could be rich and not famous, but either way, I’m gonna be rich!!

    Eek! Still a little twinge of fear around that. It’s coming though. I may not be famous – just semi-famous. I don’t even want that, but if that’s what it takes, then “here I am!”

    Eek!



  415.  #415Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 10:30 pm

    BW

    Glad to hear things have turned around so dramatically for you, as well. Rori’s not exaggerating, once we get our vibe right, this stuff truly does turn around overnight.



  416.  #416Butterfly wings on December 19, 2011 at 10:38 pm

    Sweetpea – you and I think alike! It is my ultimate goal to empower thousands of women all over the world!

    I don’t tell that to many people because I know most are cynical. But I have always known that I’m destined for something big. Always.

    And I am blessed to have some amazing and inspirational people in my life who I know will give me the step up I need – once I am ready and have something sensational to offer the world.

    It’s funny cos the palm reader also told me the other night (apart from the fact that TH was mine!) that I still didn’t quite know where I was headed. He was right of course because I know what I want to achieve, but I’m yet to work out exactly how!



  417.  #417Butterfly wings on December 19, 2011 at 10:50 pm

    Oh yeah! Things have turned around dramatically and I feel much more secure even though I did very little to change my vibe! It’s so weird! But GOOD!!! 🙂



  418.  #418Daria on December 19, 2011 at 10:53 pm

    Lalalalh I like commerce

    The word who woulda thought

    I just told my friend Sirius black I like writing a lot.

    I feel teary.



  419.  #419Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 11:00 pm

    BW @ 416,

    I feel giggly, because I did the exercise that you recommended for me around defining who it is I want to help and what I want to accomplish. I feel much more definite now. Just giggling, because you, who are feeling in a conundrum about it, much as I was (it’s clearing up for me now… I settled on How to be Happy for my site name), are the one who gave me the tool.

    I also did some tapping around it. I found a Margaret Lynch video about tapping for resistance and did the tapping before I wrote everything down as you suggested I do.

    I still don’t have a “niche” – I just want to help women find this soul deep peace that I’m feeling in most areas of my life. (I’m going to have to use that term on my site – soul deep peace… maybe when I get my domain, I’ll go with that. Me likey).

    Anyway, that’s what I determined. I have the tools (God, I’ve been through a lot to get here) to help women to meet goals, heal relationship issues, heal self esteem issues, self-image, body image, etc. Whatever it takes to find their happiness. I have the tools, I have the resources, I have experience to share that a lot of people just don’t have. I want to share it! I want to teach, I want to lead.

    eek! Not lead -except in the sense of taking them by the hand and guiding them to this peace; this inner peace. I want to guide them.

    See – no niche there, but it’s not as broad as it was. So thank you for your help with this my lovely Siren!

    I’m being reminded of the scripture where J*sus was told, “physician heal thyself.” I always took that as something offensive, but in your case- you have the tools at your disposal to work out exactly how. Let me know if you want the tapping video and I’ll send you the link next time I do it.

    hugs and kisses, Siren! Muah!



  420.  #420Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 11:02 pm

    BW @ 417,

    Au contraire – you did BIG work in baby steps to change your vibe. It may not look like much to you from where you sit today, but think about where you came from… I think you’ll see what I see.



  421.  #421Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 11:04 pm

    BW,

    I meant to tell you that I settled on “how to be happy” for my site name for now. Thanks for your advice on that, too.



  422.  #422Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 11:08 pm

    And now, I’m feeling bone deep exhaustion. Big day for me tomorrow. I look forward to sharing more magical news tomorrow – a miracle.

    Good night, Sirens!



  423.  #423Sweetpea on December 19, 2011 at 11:09 pm

    BW – Whoops! Guess I already told you my site name. Like I said…exhausted.

    Night.



  424.  #424Butterfly wings on December 19, 2011 at 11:12 pm

    Oh go you good thing Sweetpea!! I feel so so sooooo happy and excited for you and honored that I could help in some way! Yay!!

    Now that you have your idea I’ll have to email you tonight when I get home because I have something else that may help you with the technical stuff!

    I feel all warm and fuzzy inside right now, knowing that you have some clarity!

    And yes it’s funny how I have all the tools but am yet to find the same clarity. And yes, please send through the link to the tapping. 🙂

    Gotta go – on a train right now and the boy is trying to push me off the seat! 😀



  425.  #425Daria on December 19, 2011 at 11:27 pm

    ‘I feel a bit as if I chased the rabbit around the bush and still didn’t catch it.’
    Omg I love this I feel this all the time. Umph



  426.  #426Esteemed on December 19, 2011 at 11:40 pm

    Ella,

    RE: #301 – You said, “Esteemed I feel concerned and disturbed.

    xoxox

    Also I see you ending it one minute and then in love with him and on the phone within the hour to start the cycle again, as well as him. Just something I noticed.”

    I love my confuzzledness and fickleness. Wanna love them with me? 🙂 It is hard to explain, and the one thing I’ve said consistently throughout my discussions on R is that the relationship IS complicated! Welcome to my world!



  427.  #427Esteemed on December 19, 2011 at 11:45 pm

    I feel exhausted after a work night at a friend’s house painting. I’ll catch up with the blog tomorrow. I love you all! Good night!



  428.  #428Laughing Goddess on December 19, 2011 at 11:59 pm

    Oh my gosh, me too…so tired. I just got back from band practice. And I fly out tomorrow to visit family.

    I feel the solstice energy. My inner bear just wants to hibernate.

    I know I will have the energy to flow through these next few weeks with ease.

    Yay!

    Good night all!



  429.  #429crystal eyes on December 20, 2011 at 12:01 am

    I am wondering if any one here has much experience with adult web sites and dating?

    I have so many questions and ideas about that.
    Firstly it amazes and depresses me the HUGE numbers of men to women ratios on these sites.

    What is the gaping gulf between men and women that makes a man so comfortable there and a woman not so? Why are there much fewer men on purely “dating” sites (at least in my country) .

    What is it that men want that we dont and vice versa? Is biological diversity and “spreading the seed” stuff at the secret heart of men?

    The proliferating web sites telling men how to pick up and find endless string free , no commitment p….y seem to suggest so. My conversations with men friends also seem to say so resoundingly. They dont want responsibility . They want freedom and free p…..y!!

    And likewise are we doomed to dissatisfaction by our drive to nest and stay connected to our one true mate?

    Is this cultural? Educational? Societal?

    What seems to have changed radically in the blink of an eye in human history along with plenty of food , contraception and communication technology is the desirability and likelihood of finding one mate.
    Men are now free to BE men , and to not mate unless they choose to do so , but to have random sex as often as we allow.

    In fact I feel depressed looking at all this !!!

    Examples of what men are looking for..
    “a semi -relationship”
    ” no strings fun”
    “fun and hot times on a casual basis”
    “intimacy I don’t get at home”
    “connection” – (which seems to be more like skin on skin , not heart to heart.)

    The more I look at it the more I fear that really truly deep down men dont want or need deep emotional bonds or intimacy ..there is a lot of generalisation here of course. But they seem to be very honest in saying they dont want or need what previous generations had by convention to accept.

    This leaves women in a new and interesting position with new questions and new possibilities of how to act in a post -revolutionary world.

    Why would men want to give up all that freedom any time before their first hip replacement?

    I suppose I feel very triggered realising all this and would like to heal this and get to a point where I dont care about the evidence around me, that i just trust that a good man who wants the bonding and yes, the responsibility of a relationship with a 50 something good woman will come my way with a smile 🙂

    Either that , or if I was younger , charge them for the p…y and at least get some financial leverage out of the deal !!!

    I would love to hear your comments.



  430.  #430crystal eyes on December 20, 2011 at 1:15 am

    SLV A big Hi to you and a special treat in appreciation for your gifts of Christmas…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2JwTGTyPX1o&feature=related

    I love singing this one..combines my love of comedy , theater and classical singing 🙂



  431.  #431crystal eyes on December 20, 2011 at 1:21 am


  432.  #432Aurora Girl on December 20, 2011 at 3:32 am

    good morning Sirens

    yes…..winter solstice in 2 days……I can feel the energy too……

    xo



  433.  #433Aurora Girl on December 20, 2011 at 3:39 am

    429 Crystal Eyes

    ….The more I look at it the more I fear that really truly deep down men dont want or need deep emotional bonds or intimacy ..there is a lot of generalisation here of course….

    ….“I suppose I feel very triggered realising all this and would like to heal this and get to a point where I dont care about the evidence around me, that i just trust that a good man who wants the bonding and yes, the responsibility of a relationship with a 50 something good woman will come my way
    with a smile“ `….

    Good morning Siren

    I felt excited when I read your post and watched the dialogue go on in your words…..like there were two opposing thoughts or feelings (like above) having a tug of war and I was cheering for you that you keep going to find what you want in this life……

    I want to say YES!!! it is possible! The mix of men out there includes all of them….the ones who want something with no committment and the ones who are still trying to find Ms. or Mrs. Right……

    I am excited for you……my experience was with the right frame of mind and a little persistence you will find him…….kinda like going to a big beautiful maraket….there will be everything there…but we have to be clear about what we want and then take the time to sort, look, touch, smell, ask questions,…move…..focus on ourselves….and find what WE want….

    Chickie am approaching age 50 in 2012….life is good! It can be for all of us!

    Want to support you…to keep hope alive and you in the centre of it all.

    xo



  434.  #434crystal eyes on December 20, 2011 at 4:00 am

    Thank you so much Aurora..I like that …Dawn…:)

    I had a tough year or two after a tough few years before that and I am currently feeling strong and positive except for odd moments , like when I tried on all my dresses just now looking for a date dress for tomorrow and i am now 8 kg heavier than a year ago 🙂

    The down side is that I was very ill with breast cancer and immune problems and sinus disease and had four surgeries in this last 12 months and gained 8kg.

    .The UP side is i have two fabulous dresses that fit.
    Number one I bought in London England and number two i bought in Paris France in September on my . Yaaaayyy!

    I met a lovely European siren who was so charming , hospitable and totally beautiful and shared some amazing time with me that just made my trip extra special. If she is reading..hello beautiful amazing clever Siren and enjoy your dating . You deserve all that attention 🙂 And Rori thank you for introducing us !

    Life never ceases to surprise me and who knows this CD could be special? He is certainly cute and keen. I need to enrol a couple more on my ‘rotation” .

    And nice to meet you too Aurora and all the others i dont know..



  435.  #435crystal eyes on December 20, 2011 at 4:02 am

    That should have been my Yaaaaay me survival celebration trip !!!



  436.  #436Daria on December 20, 2011 at 4:02 am

    with the ones that like me, i notice i jump in the male attention, the male vibe and boss them around

    and get whiny

    umph

    and when i get peace and clear eye to eye and how i feel

    then it gets better

    mmm

    only the fem ones can stand my bossiness for now

    the other ones must be scared when they sow their vulnerability of liking me like pupies

    i will treat them like a bossy

    so what

    ufff

    pfa



  437.  #437Daria on December 20, 2011 at 4:04 am

    i want what *I* want

    i dont care who says i cant have it i cant live this way

    im gonna have

    Happy. Family.

    i dont care how hard it is or who says i cant or wont or am nto likely to

    or AM lkelye to

    eff it

    i am gonna have that

    are u with me or what

    man i am venus



  438.  #438Daria on December 20, 2011 at 4:06 am

    Daria Goddess likes chocolate

    especially from Sees the nuts and chews for 13$ a pound

    Daria likes to be fed 3 times a day substantially to her craving + snacks

    Daria likes massages 2 to 3 times a day

    — Daria sounds entitled. and Daria IS —



  439.  #439crystal eyes on December 20, 2011 at 4:14 am

    Hello Daria ! yes you are right ..

    Who says we cant have it and live how we want?
    In my case hopefully with a loving committed man!

    Thinking all those thoughts I wrote above are just thoughts and I just did Byron Katie on them ..
    Judge your neighbour worksheet about MEN and committment. I ended up with “men should want to bond and commit to me” then asked the 4 questions and “turn it around” stuff about that and it is very freeing. i dont feel the fear or anger now.

    Thqank you Zara and other Sirens have mentioned “the work” in the past here. Its very powerful. I am going to start doing more of it!



  440.  #440Daria on December 20, 2011 at 4:17 am

    the sexy goddes is eating melons and chocolate

    im judging a cd as gay for being hella creative with his texts

    where am i judging myself for my sexuality and for what i like and how i express myself?

    im juding myself as manly! omg!

    love to me

    sigh it felt good to write that!

    wow!

    im still feel the orgasmic feling in my forearms and bakc and eyes almost tearing

    wow

    i felt Moved

    the energy wooshed through me

    exrcitement!

    burp

    !

    Daria the Goddess

    my guy friend CD stepped up and walked me home

    just when i wasnt expecting it

    i think i said a lil too seriously trhat i deserve a guy to walk me home

    and hes just my buddy

    it hink he got how serious it was to me

    and instantly took me home

    actually he rode me on teh buggy on the back of his bike

    cuz he has a flat buggy for boxes cuz he delivers on mys treet on abike

    ups boxes

    on a bike

    yes

    ….

    i asked sexy cd for a ride home

    he wrote
    ????

    i feel shut off

    oh well

    oh thats a mind thought

    i feel shtu off

    i feel humiliated

    sigh

    i feel good

    i feel glad i was brave to ask

    i would ask of any other guy texting me

    ha!!

    yes i deserve

    and then guyfriend CD whose house i was at stepped up and took me home

    while he was a witness about SexyCD sit

    cuz i talked aobut it

    outloud with him

    cuz i consider him a buddy

    which means he likes me

    == he always puts me in the guy position __

    but maybe thats me

    i jump in the boy

    i order him

    abd then whine

    umf
    i hate
    it

    i dont like to b eput in that position

    it feels like aturnoff

    i liked how tonite went

    hes getting it more and more

    kina interesting



  441.  #441Daria on December 20, 2011 at 4:22 am

    i really love being the sleeping at dawn goddess.. it makes me feel like im sleeping on fluffy pink and white clouds, at dawn, while everyone else is waking up and getting happy,, im napping, and will wake up to cooked breakfast and fun later

    🙂

    yay

    and up in the afternoon for fun and at nite for dancing

    mmmm

    muyah



  442.  #442Daria on December 20, 2011 at 4:24 am

    EveryGoddess who wants to get their haircut at Solstice – it strengthens the root this year. —



  443.  #443Daria on December 20, 2011 at 4:27 am

    i feel so defeated (thats the word i wanna use) and sad when i read about lk’s art projects

    i want to do art projects

    🙁

    im never allowed to

    i never have the energy to

    i feel like beating up people who make art projects

    i wih i was like them

    i want to do that!

    i dont think i will

    i feel so sad

    i feel heavey

    and melting

    omg

    i feel like i cant take it

    so oooo sad

    and disapointed and ashamed and sad

    heartbrokent

    haeartbroken

    i love me



  444.  #444Daria on December 20, 2011 at 4:29 am

    this is how people who cant do math feel

    i remember feeling like this at math camp

    i cant deal with this feeling i feel

    i feel overwhelmed

    so much grief

    io love me



  445.  #445Aurora Girl on December 20, 2011 at 4:35 am

    Good Morning Daria Goddess!



  446.  #446Daria on December 20, 2011 at 4:38 am

    inspired by the whole lk thing, i just siccsoored apart my booties that had the ripped sole and found out i could take out he sole and stilll use them asa bootie omg osh yay



  447.  #447Daria on December 20, 2011 at 4:39 am

    is it demanding or doing too much or too divaish or selfish or rude or needy or clingy or a turn off

    IS IT A TURNOFF TO ASK MEN FOR STUFF LIKE A RIDE?

    JUST CUZ YOU WANT ONE?

    is that taking advantage

    ist htat not classy ? (def not classy to show need)

    is that a turn off ? do they hate you

    not rally or maybe

    at least its not offering then a ride yeah?

    ugh

    help

    is it work?

    is it not attractive?



  448.  #448Daria on December 20, 2011 at 4:40 am

    Good morning Aurora Goddess of the Dawn



  449.  #449Daria on December 20, 2011 at 4:41 am

    Hello Crystal Eyes



  450.  #450Daria on December 20, 2011 at 4:43 am

    ok i love solstice i love beign out all night goddess 🙂

    yawn i sleep with the dawn wchich is not even yet

    i still want to brush my tteth and maybe even do some more art project

    weee



  451.  #451Daria on December 20, 2011 at 4:44 am

    SexyCD turned me on with the sexual texts

    ohhh i was gonna do 6th chakra margaret lynch tapping



  452.  #452Daria on December 20, 2011 at 4:51 am

    i want to shoot all men in frustration that not one of them is close enough to be my lover

    umfff!!!!

    i hate you men!

    they are throwing themselves at me but they wont do what i tell them to goodammit

    stupid men

    foolish men

    i hate you men

    just give me food and water and rub my feet

    and drive me around adn shtuttup

    i hate men

    i hate my dad

    for being loud and furious

    i hate you

    i hate you

    i hate you

    ugh

    i want to shif

    i love my dad

    i love my dad a lot

    ugh

    i feel waves

    motionsickness



  453.  #453Aurora Girl on December 20, 2011 at 4:52 am

    Daria I love winter solstice too….!

    Daria Goddess of the Night….how does that feel…

    I hope there are more Goddesses out there….more Goddesses of the dawn…..more Goddesses of the night…….many shapes….forms…….

    I like learning about Goddess stories…..Mayan Goddesses…..Greek ones…..Roman ones……

    one of my favourites is the Goddess IX Chel……ancient Mayan mood goddess……..married to the sun….fiercely independent, allowing no one to own her…free to come and go as she chooses….fertility goddess…healing goddess of medicine…..comfortable with all sides of her life…..midwife to our creative ideas….

    this is from the Goddess knowledge card series paintings by Susan Seddon Boulet…with text by Michael Babcock…..I love this set….and use it often…

    xo



  454.  #454Daria on December 20, 2011 at 5:00 am

    i hate this feeling its tight up my neck to the back fo my head

    love slathered on all of it

    big breath



  455.  #455Daria on December 20, 2011 at 5:03 am

    yay i brushed my teeht

    thank u daria for brushign my teeth

    thank you for being scared for me about being woken up to my parents yelling.. i feel sad and terrified… thank you daria thank you… sigh… that feels good… thank you.. i feel my heart heave again… thank you.. daria… i honor this feeling… i feel it heave into my mouth

    i love this feeling
    slather love all over the feeling and over the popping of my spine

    and the knwoing ness for sureness that im absolutely desiravelble wow

    so sexy

    i feel my nose runny and my eyes teary

    what can i call this feeling

    i keep haping it

    the overwhlem feeling

    teh humbled feling

    i hate the idea of humbled

    i ll just go with teh humbled feeling and see what happens



  456.  #456Daria on December 20, 2011 at 5:11 am

    current income that im earning 0

    income for business to fully support me 12000 month

    double 24000 month –

    “its impossible”

    24000 , over 250 ooo a year

    its impossible

    yes it is

    how fully do you belive it

    a 5



  457.  #457Daria on December 20, 2011 at 5:27 am

    double that number 500,000

    9.

    not likely in this lifetime.

    10 times that number

    25 thimes 5

    1,250,00o a year

    its impossible

    not really

    its 9

    not likely in this lifetime from teh preditction of past events

    (ehy1 this is wrong! wow)

    ))) im having less zits on my back — yay! — maybe its less smoking tabacco and mroe smoking weed… weehar



  458.  #458Lizka on December 20, 2011 at 5:27 am

    My objective of the day is to keep focusing on myself and to try to do at least an eyes contact with a stranger. 🙂



  459.  #459Daria on December 20, 2011 at 5:31 am

    i like Ix Chel she taught me to peel the belief out like a cord of skin

    brown green yellow red blue goddess



  460.  #460Daria on December 20, 2011 at 5:42 am

    i want to reach out to SexyCD or NohCD.

    so tehy can turn me on with their talk

    hmm

    what did this show up to heal

    the churning inside me

    inside my tummy

    i want sex with you too!

    i want midnite rides home and food and gifts and getting shown off too