Overtaken by Sad – What I Do

Untitled design (14)

maggiewaveI’m feeling this now, and so I wanted to write it down quick and see if what helps me helps you…

Sometimes you just feel…sad. You feel it deep in your bones.

It can almost be a lovely, poetic feeling. And if you work it in a way that works for you…you can almost feel it shimmer, in and out, with appreciation for just being here at all, and a bit of joy when you notice your surroundings in a clearer, crisper way.

Sadness has a way of making things …crisp.

For me, the trick of being with sad is as much about what I stop doing as what I do. I know, most of all, that if I resist, if I pull back, if I stuff down, if I ‘m busy and need to get on with things and so I push my sad aside to keep going and put a smile on my face I don’t feel, or a quickness in my walk I don’t feel – my sad gains energy and speed and everything gets skewed and distorted and tense.

And that’s how I usually notice my sad…I notice what my resistance to sad looks like. If sad is a sort of general feeling – generalized like anxiety and dread – where it’s just a feeling, and you have to search around in your brain for the source and the trigger..I like to keep it there. Soft and general.

The moment I try to figure out where it’s coming from…it changes. sometimes a good-feeling change, sometimes an intensifying, bad-feeling change. I’ve noticed that if I simply ask myself what I’m sad about …sometimes the answer is…well…I’m missing this…missing that, a little grief, a little sorrow…a little guilt, a little anger…and that can be helpful.

If I move to — he did this and she did that, and why did they do that? – then I lose it. I lose that lovely sense of FEELING something, and I’m in my head, where the marbles are bouncing around and nothing gets rewired correctly or sifted finely, or tuned up.

The first thing is that long ago I made an intellectual decision that my feelings are important. In fact, that my feelings are the crucial part of me, they are my compass, they are the clue to what’s going on with me. I’ve agreed with myself on all levels that my feelings and sensations are the way my body and heart and mind and the world, too – talk to me…and that it’s my best means of communication with everything that’s important.

From there…I can work through things, analyze, figure out, WITHOUT BLOCKING the constant clues my emotions and sensations are giving me.

I’ve decided that my feelings and sensations never lie. That they are the pathway between my waking life and my dream life, between my consciousness and my subconscious, that they are what makes me like everyone else, and what keeps me in touch with everyone and everything else.

I’ve decided that they are holy. Sacred.

And that they are not the FINAL DECIDERS of my ACTIONS…they are simply the bond that holds me together and connects up my spirit to my humanness.

So – I never disparage my feelings. I always go to them. I use my emotions as the check and balance system for my thoughts and actions.

So Here’s how I am with my sad:

1. I feel something slowing me down and fogging my body. It feels like a film over my happiness, like a weight on my heart. Feels like a stone somewhere in my torso. A stone that turns the rest of me to stone, slowly. I can feel the creeping of stone in my body. OR

I feel myself hyper-vigilant. I feel my neck and my throat operating at full speed, like they’re the only parts of my body I’m aware of. The only parts of my body I’m in touch with. The only ones working. They’re taking over for the rest of my body, which I now notice is numb because I don’t want to feel. I’m thinking, hard…and then I notice that my shoulders hurt.

They ache from effort, and then they ache from Sad.

That’s when I know I’m blocking a feeling I don’t want to have. I’m trying to get on with the show in the wrong order. I’m about to be one of those actresses who “indicate” a feeling” instead of feeling it and letting us see and feel it, too. I’m about to be “perky.” “Upbeat.”

2. I stop whatever I’m doing.

If I’m walking the dog, I stop. If I’m typing, I stop. If I’m thinking, I stop. If I’m exercising or stretching or meditating, I stop. If I’m cooking or washing dishes or in the shower and soaping up – I stop.

I stop looking for things, stop figuring things out, stop everything.

3. I listen.

Sometimes I listen to the sounds of life outside my head – the breeze, the leaves, the dogs, the children, the cars, the airplanes, the music from cars, the buzz from machines and the hum from my computer.

Sometimes I listen to my body, inside. Sometimes it’s yelling something that sounds like a plea to me. Sometimes it’s screaming “Watch!” Sometimes it’s screaming “Here!” Sometimes it’s screaming “No!”

Sometimes it’s my head – trying to drown out all the other sounds, trying to get my attention, trying to win something, trying to stop the process I’m sinking into because it has it’s own agenda to “protect” me from growing or changing or feeling.

4. I allow myself to circle and bounce between all the voices, all the sounds. I let it all “fuzz out.” I stop the spinning of my brain and the thinking stuff by not focusing on it…I still let it scream if it wants to.

I don’t fight anything.

I don’t choose a reality. I allow myself to sink into a place of “unreality” – where nothing is certain, nothing is sure, and nothing is right. This helps me stop analyzing and using my brain. Plenty of time for that later…

5. I open my eyes.

I look around. I look down, and up , and around. I feel where I am in space, how I fit with everything around me…and in the process…I start to notice things. I notice how the sounds are connected up to the visuals – the trees actually have shapes. They are actually alive. ..

6. I feel…

I just let it all settle into my body and my heart and let things pop up and out. It’s like a shimmering feeling for me…(please let me know what it feels like for you…)

And now the feelings start to “morph.” When I notice that a tree is alive…I feel something different. The sad morphs to a connected feeling, to a moment of happiness, then back to sad, then…to…and suddenly, sometimes I’ll feel that underneath the sad is something else – like rage, or guilt, or fear…and then pictures come into my head, and then I start to want to explore with my brain, and then I start to analyze…and so I go back through the steps:

I stop, I listen, I open my eyes, I feel…and then….

I start to feel…bored.

Bored with my sad, with my rage, my fear…and I can feel my body get all…well, “antsy.” I start itching to DO something. Something FUN. So..

7. I Channel…

If I’m walking, I’ll start to hop or run.

I’ll go touch a tree and stretch my body on it, talking to it…

I’ll write down an idea, clean a drawer, brush my teeth….

And…I do this all day long if I’m in a place where sad keeps popping up…and in transitional times, when things are changing, even when things are getting BETTER – Sad likes to come up. I like to think of it as a way of saying “Goodbye” to old things. We don’t always even know what those things are, but our bodies and hearts do…and we’re always saying good by to one moment and hello to another.

I like to feel this sense of movement, from one moment into the next – and there’s just no way it can’t be “sad” sometimes. For me, being with my sad is just a part of being with me, and that’s how I get to feel my joy, my bliss, my pleasure, my pink-flushed face from good feelings and knowing that my body’s got a rhythm I can listen to.

That rhythm, that movement, that willingness to feel – is how I stay out of “stuck.”

Let me know how this works for you…

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1Angeline on December 27, 2009 at 2:34 pm

    OMG. This is why I love Rori.

  2.  #2Lisa on December 27, 2009 at 3:08 pm

    I second Angeline!

    I used to be so “in my head”, so analytical. That felt like “in control”, but really, it was just the marbles rolling ’round and ’round and making me crazy. Rori says,

    “If I move to — he did this and she did that, and why did they do that? – then I lose it. I lose that lovely sense of FEELING something, and I’m in my head, where the marbles are bouncing around and nothing gets rewired correctly or sifted finely, or tuned up.”

    I am curious about this “rewiring correctly” Can you talk about this more, Rori?

    Recently I was awoken with a bad memory of the relationship I am leaving. 6 years ago at a wedding which was held at his house, he had sex with a woman there. I shoved this memory down in order to continue being with him, but there it was, at 5 a.m. I couldn’t budge it.

    Finally, I took the techniques of Rori and EFT and went into my feelings: “Even though this, I didn’t deserve it…” and I began crying, and feeling the somatic sadness, which seemed to release whatever was keeping me awake. I stopped the impotent analysis and just felt what my body felt like.

    I could then go back to sleep. I like the idea of feeling all of it, not labeling anything “bad” or “stupid”, and trying for that connection with all that surrounds me. That dancer’s idea of sinking down into one’s rooted self is very powerful and liberating, in that it is also protective. It is safe when I know my own feelings.

    When I can sink into my pelvis and my feelings, it is like I am a warrior holding up his aegis. No one else’s lies or judgments matter, then. I don’t mean to say I am being walled off or protective, but rather, my knowing my truth is some kind of powerful protection from any future offense.

  3.  #3mary on December 27, 2009 at 6:52 pm

    Oh, Rori. I have to tell you this! This is unbelievable. I’ve never told anyone about this…

    When I was young, I lived in a house in the woods by a creek, and I’d come home from school full of the day’s happenings. I’d be exhausted. For me, school was difficult because I was so sensitive, wanted so much to please, didn’t feel quite beautiful enough and because I was in an introverted period in my life. I’d toss my books on the couch and go outside to my little place by the creek and just sit.

    Sometimes I’d throw rocks into the creek and sometimes not. I’d mostly just sit and let the day pass before me in my mind. Not really think about it, just replay the memories of it and watch it go by, as if none of it mattered any more, in my safe place by the creek. I’d watch the water, the constant moving of it, and the trees overhead, just as you mentioned, !! and I’d begin to notice the branches swaying in the breeze, and little tiny rows of ants, marching from one place to another, and I’d settle down. It would make all those dynamics from school seem so unimportant! So trivial. So unable to touch me. As if they were a few droplets of water that were already down the creek by now…

    That was the only way I got through school – it was a daily routine. What you wrote sounded so much like it!

    Unbelievable. I’ve never heard anyone put this kind of experience into words before.

    Thank you.

  4.  #4mary on December 27, 2009 at 7:02 pm

    I just read through the post again. Wow. I like the idea of being bored. I think that happened to me in my place by the creek, because I’d get up and want to go inside and be social with my family…

    Here’s another part of the post that I love:

    “… I like to think of it as a way of saying “Goodbye” to old things. We don’t always even know what those things are, but our bodies and hearts do…and we’re always saying good by to one moment and hello to another… ”

    Mmmmmmm. Saying goodbye to old things makes me feel sad. But saying hello to a something new gives me a good feeling… !!!

  5.  #5mary on December 27, 2009 at 7:18 pm

    I spent all day today with R after my mini speech last night. I can’t remember what I said to him exactly, but the gist of it was that I was going to be dating other men while he decided what he was going to do. I did say that I didn’t want to put any pressure on him, and that I wanted things to work out for us.

    He woke up and wanted me to go to church with him this morning. Then we had lunch, then went for a drive, discussed more… and…


    He’s a sex addict. (I know; Toxic Man alert!) Hasn’t acted out in about five years, but he does like to hunt women. I think that’s what he does when he breaks up with me. He says he doesn’t have sex with him, but he probably does everything but intercourse. He told me today that he just doesn’t know if he can do it (marriage.)

    I asked him what the draw was to the life he used to lead, and the answer was more or less: VARIETY.

    I cannot compete with the need for variety.

    He asked me how he’d know if he could get married. I asked him if he planned to pay his mortgage payment in June of next year, and he said, “Yes, why do you ask?” And I said it was as simple as that. You decide to be with one person and it happens because you decided it would. He said, “Those are two different things.” and “It’s not as simple as that.”

    This scenario makes me feel really sad.

    Sad, sad, sad. I wish I had my little special place by the creek! I will go down to the ocean and sit for a while and I’m going to do exactly what this post says to do… I’m writing down the steps now.

    I do feel rather triumphant that I risked giving my speech. Who knows what will happen now? At least I’ll be creating new options for myself, so I’ll have other decisions to make later. I’m excited about that.

    Feeling empowered.

    And now I’m going to go be with my Sad. Join you on the isle later tonight.


  6.  #6mary on December 27, 2009 at 7:19 pm

    oops! typo there…

    I wrote: He says he doesn’t have sex with him
    I meant: He says he doesn’t have sex with THEM (women)

  7.  #7Lisa on December 27, 2009 at 8:00 pm


    Thank goodness R’s not the only one out there 🙂

    Also: Freudian slip?

    Also: link from NYT — Robert Epstein says love isn’t accidental:


  8.  #8janjune on December 27, 2009 at 9:37 pm

    hi rori and goddesses,

    have you ever considered having a forum, using your same Rori Raye Tools that doesn’t revolve around a relationship with a man?… I am finding your Tools work in all sorts of relationships.
    although admittedly, the man issue is what brought me here.

    IDEA: Have the Relationship*S* You Want

    …and did i read something about you may be starting a forum with different threads?…
    hope so… that would be fantastic.


  9.  #9Robin on December 27, 2009 at 10:20 pm

    So appropriate, THANK YOU for this wonderful post, Rori!

    I had a very interesting experience today wiht circular dating today.

    I was introduced to a guy at my church today, hes a photographer, we started talking, he asked me to lunch, I said sure. He started going over prices with me for a portfolio, which was fine, asked if I wanted to set up a time to do the shots, but I said no. He asked if I wanted to do a couple of test shots, which I said ok to, but it was at that point that I started to feel weird.

    But I couldnt quite put my finger on what I was feeling weird about…

    We shot on a main street close to his home (he had to get his camera, which logically made sense, but it just FELT weird).

    We were shooting photos, I had to use the bathroom, so that meant going into his house…

    It felt ok, but I just felt a little weird being there, and I asked myself why am I here? and the answer was, I wanted to be there, I wanted to be a part of these photos.

    He asked if I wanted to wear a different shirt, and I said ok, that really opened up my vulnerability, and it felt good, i suddenly didnt feel weird about being there, it felt lost in the moment, and it felt great.

    So it felt good, until I leaned on a post and feel three ft backwards onto my back…OUCH!!!!!!!!!

    HE ran over and got me and that was pretty much the end of the photos….I needed to sit down, so that meant going into his house AGAIN…

    So we looked at the photos, I picked the ones I wanted, and I suddenly realized I had spent several hours with this guy (that I only met today) and that THAT felt bad, so I said I needed to go.

    As Im getting up, he makes his move, and asks me if Im seeing anyone. I told him, yes a couple, and he says ‘no, I mean that you’re dating” and I told him again ‘yes a couple”..He then kissed me, it didnt feel like much of anything, and when it felt uncomfortable I stopped him, and left. He told me ‘you need pictures, and Ive thought you were adorable since I first saw you..”

    So maybe THAT was what I was feeling that made me feel weird, that he was giving to get something in return, which ok,, whatever…

    But more likely, it would have just fel better for me to say, “you know it would feel great to do some test shots, but I would feel more comfortable shooting here, or there..” or “you know it would feel good to see you, but I dont feel comfortable with this right now, I just met you…”

    I dunno, I felt bad for a little while, but I can feel it turning around, and what this posts says WORKS!!!!!!!!!!

  10.  #10Lisa on December 27, 2009 at 10:49 pm

    Just read this from “Change Your Mindset, Not Your Man”:

    “You may recognize that if your man made you and your feelings the center of his existence and gave up what was important to him in order to please you, you’d probably disrespect him, maybe even despise him. To keep your trust, respect, and love, he has to show strength of character and autonomy, and demonstrate the integrity that makes you admire him. He must have a greater purpose than your relationship and be successful in worldly pursuits or you’ll see him as weak because he was so easily manipulated in succumbing to your desires.”


  11.  #11Robin on December 27, 2009 at 11:01 pm

    Actually, what felt bad was being at his house. I felt triggered being at his house.

    I felt triggered b/c I spend 1 & 1/2 almost 2 years going to my ex’s house. We saw each other 2-3 times a week, but the dates were always ‘dinner’ @ his house, and even though my mind knew this was a different situation, my body felt like it was two years younger at my exs house and I could feel my body panicking. All my body knew was that I was at the house of a man whose energy was coming at me on some romantic level..

    Very much like a post Rori wrote not too long ago, where she talked about how our memories mostly consist of the FEELINGS associated with those memories and, and how in our bodies, a memory, feels like it in the present moment.

    Thats what today felt like..

    So when he started to kiss me, I stood there for a few seconds and let him kiss me, but when it felt bad, instead of speaking, “I dont feel comfortable with this right now, I dont feel like going any further…”, I automatically went to the “fight or flight” response, and ran away…

    He emailed the test photos (there were a bunch, he shot 212 of them), and called too, said he wished he could hug me. So I guess, we’ll see…

    It feels good to have something to work with next time, maybe, “I dont feel like shooting at your house today, I would feel more comfortable shooting @ XYZ…” ?

  12.  #12janjune on December 27, 2009 at 11:16 pm

    sounds good!

  13.  #13Lisa on December 27, 2009 at 11:26 pm

    Oh, to clarify: We must do the same thing, which is basically what Rori is saying. Become a better “you”, which will attract a better “him”.

  14.  #14janjune on December 27, 2009 at 11:33 pm

    what you just posted that Rori wrote in “Change your mindset, not your man”

    alot of rori’s work seems to hold true about *everybody*, not just men. i’m sure there are others who know that, but it’s a revelation to me.

    For instance substituting *anybody* for the references to a man in your quote above:
    “You may recognize that if *someone* made you and your feelings the center of *their* existence and gave up what was important to *them* in order to please you, you’d probably disrespect *them*, maybe even despise *them*. To keep your trust, respect, and love, *they* (have) to show strength of character and autonomy, and demonstrate the integrity that makes you admire *them*. *They* must have a greater purpose than your relationship and be successful in worldly pursuits or you’ll see *them* as weak because *they* w(ere) so easily manipulated in succumbing to your desires.”

    I’m just seeing alot of what Rori says to be TRUTH (for me) about *people*, not just about men.

    thanks for bringing that quote up,

  15.  #15Daria on December 27, 2009 at 11:34 pm

    wow. I just saw Avatar 3d. I feel dazed. I feel overtaken. I feel fantastical.

    wow i feel swirled with words

  16.  #16janjune on December 27, 2009 at 11:35 pm

    guess we’re on the same train of thought lisa… 🙂

  17.  #17mary on December 27, 2009 at 11:37 pm

    I saw Avatar too!

  18.  #18Daria on December 27, 2009 at 11:39 pm

    and i took out this lil black spot on my temple. it had been there for months and months, and i felt worried it was permanent, but i guess it was just waiting for the awakening of avatar

  19.  #19Daria on December 27, 2009 at 11:46 pm

    I want my world to be like Avatar world. IT is it is! its fantastical and magical wow and fresh breathing forest and exciting and wow and the man i love loves me too wowow. and hes confident yet cute. ohhh.

  20.  #20Daria on December 27, 2009 at 11:47 pm

    I am Avatar woman, a great hunter, hehe

    so cute

  21.  #21Robin on December 27, 2009 at 11:56 pm

    Thanks Janjune!

    Im going to pray… as I was checking my email, I was triggered yet again. I am getting acutely aware of when things shift inside me when Im triggered.

    My biological mom kicked me out of the house after my dad died when I was 17, I was still a junior in hs. She didnt talk to me for 3 years. I lived with my grandparents , who had a combined income of about 30 k per year til I got out of hs. that meant starting on my own very young, on one else could help me, and I went to college, so that mean putting myself through college, and there were some very dark days and nights, panhandling, living in my car, I was, at times, 1 step from being on the streets

    I mentioned something about my grandmother and my mom asked me on Christmas if my grandmother was able to provide good gifts for me at Christmas when ‘she wasnt able to talk to me’…and I told her I honestly didnt remember.

    The more I think about it, the angrier I get. We’ve never actually talked about it, I dont think either of us want to , and I get the feeling that shes afraid of me, and I feel guilty for feeling more powerful than her on some level..

    But I really feel like it might be time for me to say something..

    b/c the truth is it was awful…and she’s not reponsible for my mistakes, but my credit is in the toilet, im in serious debt from college loans, and feel afraid that these things will prevent me from drawing in a good man and getting married, and that I will be in debt the rest of my life, and wont be able to pursue my dreams, my singing career, acting, modeling, etc., b/c of it too.

    But I feel like if things had just been a LITTLE different, I wouldnt be in such bad shape financially, and still emotionally, I also feel like I had absolutely NO guidance, and that feels unfair.

    I was sobbing about 10 minutes ago, thinking that the series of events that happened have ruined my life and my dreams..

    Shes always saying how proud she is of me for all that Ive overcome, but she doesnt know about the nights sleeping in the car, or the icu at the local hospital, or the panhandling, and I think she needs to know. I dont hate her, and Im not going to tell her I want nothing to do with her, but she needs to know, and more importantly, I need to stop pretending that what happened is ok, and that Im over what happened, b/c Im not ok. Im a beautiful mess. And while Ive forgiven her, everything isnt hunky-dory…

  22.  #22Robin on December 28, 2009 at 12:01 am

    Sobbing…Im going to bed

  23.  #23Daria on December 28, 2009 at 12:06 am

    oh Robin hugs! gosh panhandling wow. I’ve sort of been there but not quite for long, just because i felt compelled to move out the house cuz I thought my parents were gonna divorce because of me being there and i didnt want that. I knew i could go back but didnt want to becuase we were fighting so bad, but eventually I did go back and moved my best friend in too who I had stayed with and who I was living with when we were figuring out where to live and sometimes in the car.

    Strangely enough I loved that feeling of being free and living in my car and trying to make money.

    I want to feel that way now, but also feel happy and safe and good.

  24.  #24Daria on December 28, 2009 at 12:08 am

    we didnt exactly panhandle, just try to make money on the streets ie hustling. but panhandling was a close up on that. I remember sometimes the guys we sometimes lived with would sleep on the streetcars.

    I feel guilty that I really loved that time. I felt fresh and powerful and safe and adventurous and like the night opened up to me and lived me

  25.  #25Daria on December 28, 2009 at 12:15 am

    I want my ex back. not my ex who was ever my ex. but guy who had a baby.

    yes i want him back is that too much to ask? wtf i came here to get him back and i want him back.

    i felt so good around him i could admire him and feel safe around him and look up to him as being smarter than me which God knows is a rarity. and i felt like i could be a queen with him and always people would want to be around him and i loved when he was into me.

    i want all that back. i dont want to pretend and keep pretending i dont want him back


    Rori I want him back what is up. why am i not living my super happiness yet.

    I do walk much straighter now after my last lefkoe thingy i believe. im also more able to look people in the eye.

    but what i want is this fuckin man back. and i want him to heal wahtever it is that he covers up with alcohol or drugs. poor baby. and he is like a shining beacon of light like an angel.

    i want him back

    and i want healing for all my exes and for their hearts to shine

    and i feel triggered when people are like… oh that ones a narcissist that ones a sociopath

    so what

    we are all that shit

    waht if someone decided no Daria i swear you are a sociopath look you have all the signs, you think youre a goddess, and entitled and are all about yourself. yes you are definitely a narcissist becasue i had a bad relationship withyou where i didnt feel good

    i feel ANGRY and i feel afraid of feeling guilty or being subtly attacked

    i feel like superpowerful and like im talking shit to little people

    i feel amused that everyone will feel infuriated. i feel a lil guilty, i want to express myself dammit.

    i love the voices in my head. i love me.

    FUCK OFF i love you fuck off.

    i love all these bitch ass men who dont step up

    fuck you bitches i love you

    i love all the people who do horrible things in the world fuck

    i want to kill them and i love my wanting to kill people who hurt me and i love my “no mercy” honor and my coldness and compassion too

    i love all of me dammit

    ima sociopath and i lvoe myself

    fuck offf fffff i love my fuck offf ness

  26.  #26janjune on December 28, 2009 at 12:31 am

    well, i’m having trouble going to sleep tonight… i think it’s from getting triggered over the holiday weekend and now old things are coming up that need attention.

    i’m in the middle of some major personal growth work here. i don’t feel scared to look at things as they really are now. and also don’t feel scared i’m going to blow people away with miss super bitch/goddess/diva/warrior woman.

    the prospect of delaing with life having made those two shifts is very exciting…

  27.  #27Lisa on December 28, 2009 at 12:52 am

    “Change your mindset, not your man” was actually written by a counselor named Sally Watkins, but it seems to parallel Rori’s work.


    We share some similarities. I put myself through school, and my mother has this concept that everything went swimmingly for me, which it did not. My counselor told me something helpful when I was bemoaning the fact that my mother lives in lala-land and won’t see the truth about her abusive behavior or how difficult things were for me.

    She said, “What does it matter if she sees the truth? The only thing that matters is that you do.” Now move on. It was kind of a wake up call, and I haven’t struggled with her delusions since then.

  28.  #28janjune on December 28, 2009 at 12:56 am

    … wish your grandparents were there with you to give you a hug and tuck you in.
    thank God for your grandparents… you sound like a daughter/granddaughter to be proud of.

    i feel hopeful about you finding some Tools on Rori’s blog that will help you take care of the issues with your mother or anyone. They are helping me deal with sensitive family matters and also some mistakes i’ve made dealing with some other things in the past.

    Not that you’re making mistakes dealing with your mother, no. …just mean that Rori has Tools to help learn to protect ourselves from harm — whether the person inflicting it means to or not. That’s irrelevant — as it hurts just as much if someone shoots you in the foot by accident as it does if they do it on purpose.

    So I am saying a prayer to take care of you tonight and for guidance and direction with your Mom and a pathway regarding your finances and to give you hope in your heart for tomorrow, and peace and a warm relationship with a wonderful man.

    sleep tight.

  29.  #29Daria on December 28, 2009 at 1:13 am

    heyy… i had a feeling Change your mindset not your man was not really rori’s. I didnt’ really resonate with it the same way.

    Because I think Rori says that its ok for a man to focus all on a Goddess. hehehe.

  30.  #30janjune on December 28, 2009 at 1:31 am


    but i don’t want a man to give up everythying he is for me and fall at my feet. that’s sickening. i want him to stay who he is but be emotionally available.

  31.  #31Daria on December 28, 2009 at 1:36 am

    he can fall at my feet anytime. yum.

    i do i want him to be a man who can provide, not who’s pulling helplessly at my feet looking for me to provide. yuck

  32.  #32janjune on December 28, 2009 at 1:38 am

    i don;t know.

    i’m just not into the man part of Rori’s program now that i’ve gotten over “the love of my life”.

    who is a NARCISSIST!!!

    i can just see how the bigger picture, for me, is how did i get into that relationship to begin with… it was just a symptom of bigger things going on inside me.
    Just a symptom.

    Now i want out.

    Of the whole thing.

    I want to deal with *PEOPLE* who are TOXIC, not just men. then maybe i’ll have room in my lofe for another man.
    until then, they’re just a distraction.
    I’ve depended on a *man* or *someone* else to bequeath my value upon me… now I will do it myself.

  33.  #33janjune on December 28, 2009 at 1:40 am

    room in my lofe 🙂

  34.  #34Daria on December 28, 2009 at 1:47 am

    lol my former students are grwoing up! heres ones fb status

    “baby girl.. i wanna make a connection with your beautiful self. a deep sensual intimiate connection. I want to engage you by putting a two carat solitaire diamond on your mind and marrying your every thought. i wanna intimately link braids with you like avatar epicureanly did with that other avatar.”

  35.  #35Daria on December 28, 2009 at 1:49 am

    maybe instead of a distraction they can be therapy like Rori says and get us there

    i want to heal all my relationships and communication not just with men too

  36.  #36Daria on December 28, 2009 at 1:58 am

    so sex story guy is online an updating his status, but so far i havent got a message from him

    im also feeling less hung up on him and more like turned off a lil

    yay i feel glad

    i feel interested in communicating how i am feeling, which is a lil confused and worried, and not too good

    also i feel worried that im going into scarcity mindset, ie i wont find another sex story man thats as appealing available easy to get along with etc etc

    i feel rotating eye balls!!! hahaha

  37.  #37janjune on December 28, 2009 at 2:00 am

    yes it will be great when it happens.

    i’m probably just not getting that part of the program because i want to start the healing farther back it goes really deep.

    for me toxic men seem slike just a symptom of bigger issues to work out and now i’ve found rori’s tools and feel like i’m making major permanent headway.

    I will love Circular Dating at some point, i feel sure of it.

  38.  #38Daria on December 28, 2009 at 2:06 am

    hehe i feel triggered

    i feel resistance

    i want to FORCE you to use all parts of the program that i feel resistance about NOW

    just kidding (just triggering) lol

  39.  #39Daria on December 28, 2009 at 3:10 am

    im an Oasis of pleasure in a desert of pain

  40.  #40mary on December 28, 2009 at 7:50 am

    why do we say “i don’t want to put pressure on you or the relationship” if we turn around and give the guy lots of competition? don’t we know that competition is pressure? yes, it’s indirect, but we caused it, so we’re putting pressure on him and the relationship. he feels like he’s losing us. that’s what we want, so he’ll zip himself into action, but he feels manipulated and angry. i would, too.

    i see how it’s taking care of ourselves. i get it. and taking care of ourselves is great. but it’s also saying, “hey. i’ve reached my limit. you’re not worth any more waiting. i’m gonna go ahead and get on with my life.” that’s got to feel like a real slap in the face to a guy, don’t you think? like rejection?

    i mean, i’m THERE, as of two nights ago. i’m doing it. you know what? it felt good on some level. like standing up for the me that’s been hoping and dreaming. i’m just thinking about it. the guy’s anger is righteous anger. it feels terrible to be manipulated. i know when that’s happening to me. and i hate it. now i’m doing that to someone else.

    my guy is ignoring the fact that i’m gonna date other men. isn’t that strange? i feel him thinking through a counter move. what could it be? i want to keep saying it, so i can feel free to do it, but i know he heard me! i think i’m just gonna do it. i know i don’t need his permission.

    my case is different because i have the proposal, but the ring doesn’t feel good, because the commitment feels hollow, like there’s nothing inside of it. can he really do it? can a former sex addict really settle down?

    this guy has integrity. i know it sounds like the two don’t go together, but he does. he’s caught in something that’s bigger than him, even if he doesn’t act out any more. he feels the pull in that direction, and he knows it’s not good to be in relationship, so in the past, he’s been in and out…

    i think i might tell him that i’m wanting to hear that he feels confident he can do it. right now he says he wants to marry me, but he doesn’t know what will happen. what would give him that confidence? recovery. how can he recover? lots of programs out there!

    i feel like i just got on the biggest rollercoaster at the fair. i’m scared. and empowered. and excited.

    any more thoughts on circular dating? does it feel right and good and positive to you? i’m reading lots of stories of guys ditching us circular dating sirens… are we sure they weren’t worth waiting for?

  41.  #41Linda on December 28, 2009 at 8:05 am

    Emotional unavailablilty… yep that is a culprit for lots of issues between people.

    Recognizing it has been a huge help to me. Listen to their speech, (what they are saying)… you can spot it within a hour or so.

    THe men we come across have been so messed over by non goddesses that it makes it hard on us healthy happy goddesses. LOL Sometimes they are so emotionally guarded but I am finding that consistently being who I am has soften and intriqued them.

    I feel this is the case with S… the man has opened his heart and emotions are just now becoming available.


  42.  #42janjune on December 28, 2009 at 9:44 am

    trigger away!

    say what you like.
    speak your mind.

    i’m up for it.


  43.  #43janjune on December 28, 2009 at 9:52 am

    seeing that triggers are *the* (?) major impetus in Rori’s program for me at this time.

    i love triggers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    triggertriggertrigger! bringthemon!
    triggers are everywhere. allthetime. everyday. alwayswillbe.
    it’s just in knowing how to deal with them…

    Thank you Rori!

  44.  #44janjune on December 28, 2009 at 9:54 am

    God give me the BLESSING OF TRIGGERS today and the Personal Presence to recognize them and the Tools to deal with them effectively.


  45.  #45janjune on December 28, 2009 at 9:59 am

    “THe men we come across have been so messed over by non goddesses that it makes it hard on us healthy happy goddesses. LOL Sometimes they are so emotionally guarded ”
    i believe this is true too.

    “but I am finding that consistently being who I am has soften and intriqued them. ”
    it feels good that there’s a cure!

    back to work! bye!

  46.  #46Jennifer on December 28, 2009 at 10:13 am

    I have not replied to the email that B sent (see last post). I just feel like I don’t want to play anymore.
    Maybe it’s boredom. Maybe it’s annoyance; I don’t know. I know it feels bad and makes my head hurt.
    I had a dream last night that I was getting ready to take myself and “my baby” onto a sinking ship.
    I dressed it and wrapped it and tucked it into a plastic bag so that when we went into the water it might not get so wet. I tucked the bag up around it’s chin and was strapping it to my chest with a baby sling so we wouldn’t get separated when the ship went down; when I realized:
    I am taking my baby onto a sinking ship.

  47.  #47Lisa on December 28, 2009 at 10:24 am


    I feel we are at a similar place. For me, no more toxic people. People tell you who they are (unless they are the rare psychopath.) It’s our job to listen, both to them and ourselves. A big lesson for me is feeling my feelings. If I feel icky or yucky, I don’t need to be there.

    We are both recovering from being with a narcissist. I am having so many emergent memories of things I stuffed down, or never fully felt. Always walking on eggshells and pumping up the ego. Good for me — I am feeling them now! The deep anger and sadness is keeping me safe from him.

    This is a great statement, “I’ve depended on a *man* or *someone* else to bequeath my value upon me… now I will do it myself.” Mick Jagger lyrics come to mind:

    “Under my thumb
    The girl who once had me down
    Under my thumb
    The girl who once pushed me around”

    Replace “boy” for “girl” and that’s it. Not that I’m playing with him at all, but to me it is a song of emotional reversal, and I like that thought.

  48.  #48mary on December 28, 2009 at 10:29 am

    Dear Robin,

    I read your post this morning after I wrote my little piece. then I had some errands to do, but I’ve been thinking about you. I have a lot of admiration for your willingness to share!

    The only thing that comes to mind is something I read in one of those near-death books, maybe the one called Life after Life? It was a young teen who tried to kill herself, and in her near-death experience, she went towards the light, and a benevolent presence heard the story of her very troubled life. This presence said for her to return because she had only been in the “winter of her life,” and that springtime was on its way. I thought that was beautiful.

    May the wounds from your past be healed! May you take loving care of yourself today. May you find a place of personal strength and solid footing. May you have eyes to see your mother clearly and wisdom to know what to do with that information! May you honor your feelings and share them when you think it’s appropriate to do so. May your mother receive your efforts as a precious gift!

    These are my prayers for you.



  49.  #49DocK on December 28, 2009 at 12:12 pm

    Timely post. I am just a jumble of emotions that I would visualize like a cat stuck in a sweater arms and paws clawing from the inside trying to get out as it rolls around. I feel sad, frustrated, angry, tense…I guess going “home” will do that to a person. Wonderful to see this loving, compassionate group of people but I am removed from all the family dynamics and issues and had to really ground myself at times. So many of the tools I learned here helped with that as well.

  50.  #50Daria on December 28, 2009 at 1:24 pm

    Mary – Circular Dating smokes out the men who cant or wont step up.

    And it attracts the men who can. There are lots of success stories. here’s one from today from the questions thread:

    “emma says:
    Hi Rori,
    In September I wrote my power speech in a letter to my man, telling him that I wasn’t going to be his exclusively while he made up his mind about our relationship. I’m not looking for marriage (been there!) but I do want a committed, loving relationship full of happiness and fun. He went to visit family in the US for 2 weeks and came back, shocked to hear that I’d been dating other men in his absence.

    Well, he stepped up and talked about our relationship, giving me the committment I want. However, I still want him to see me as a prize so I lean back (sometimes I do lapse and coax or suggest things to do which I’m trying hard to not do) and let him lead the way. I feel like I’m backed way up at times, and it’s hard to turn him down when he calls me at 5pm on a Friday to do something that night. I have told him that for me it feels really good to look forwards to a date, even if it’s just TV and a bottle of wine so I want to be told further in advance than 2 hours!

    I bought Commitment Blueprint just before Christmas and am feeling very energised now. We’ve been apart for a week staying with our respective families but will meet up again this week. I am totally focussed on making moments with him and shining my light for both of us.

    New Year’s resolution #1 – USE THE RORI RAYE TOOLS EVERY DAY!!

  51.  #51mary on December 28, 2009 at 1:48 pm

    hi daria,

    i love your rotating eyeballs!

    thanks for the quote. how do i find the questions thread?

  52.  #52Daria on December 28, 2009 at 1:52 pm

    Mary on the right side of the page, where it has the blog categories, click on the category “YOUR story and questions for Rori”

  53.  #53mary on December 28, 2009 at 1:54 pm

    This morning I was driving around thinking about Robin and presto! my own situation became perfectly clear.

    My man wants variety. I want more affection. I can’t give him more variety. He can’t give me more affection. But we’re crazy about each other!

    So… we can still love each other and date other people, too. So… the answer to our dilemma is circular dating! (If he’ll do it, which remains to be seen.)

    And someone will be more appropriate for me someday, and I’ll probably get married. And he can have a variety of women, and maybe one of them will take my place as a real love, too… and for now, we can just love the time we have together! Not needing to borrow any commitment from the future to have some beautiful moments today.

    (Am I in the real world?)

  54.  #54mary on December 28, 2009 at 1:56 pm

    okay, thanks!

    what do you think of this latest idea?

  55.  #55Daria on December 28, 2009 at 1:56 pm

    Mary – hehe. I don’t know. But in Goddess world there would be a drop of thinking about him and what he should do etc. Except to clear it out energetically out of my own thinking. Cuz i don’t know what he should do, or if he will be the same tomorrow, etc.

    I just wnat to let magic ahppen and receive frommen.

  56.  #56Daria on December 28, 2009 at 1:57 pm

    I feel so triggered by Mary’s comments!


    I love my triggered self.

  57.  #57mary on December 28, 2009 at 1:59 pm

    oh yeah! i keep forgetting about that.

    lots to learn. i have all of rori’s CDs, but they’re in storage somewhere. i need to get them out and listen to them again.

    thanks, daria

    how do you get over feeling a bit overly self-absorbed? i can’t figure that one out.

  58.  #58mary on December 28, 2009 at 1:59 pm

    i love triggering daria! haha

  59.  #59mary on December 28, 2009 at 2:00 pm

    let the magic happen tonight

  60.  #60Simply Shannon on December 28, 2009 at 2:01 pm

    I need some assistance please. I have the hardest time having a “discussion” when I feel anger coming from another person. Went out with Mr. Manly Man on Saturday night. Dinner was great but at the bar I began to feel uncomfortable. I don’t know why exactly. He was picking on me (joking but still it annoyed me) and was touching me alot (much more than normal). I told him I felt uncomfortable with it but it just went downhill. When I told him I felt uncomfortable and wanted to leave, he got angry. I tried to speak to him in feeling messages but after a minute or two, I shut down. I literally could feel myself freaking out. I felt scared. He didn’t do anything to cherish my feelings, he just got angry. Walking off to the car in a huff (barely waiting on me to keep up with him).

    My fight/flight response when I feel anger coming at me is soooo strong. I almost walked away from him and grabbed a cab. I knew that wouldn’t help (would only have made it worse). The intensity of my flight response was FAR greater than the actual anger I sensed. What’s up with that? I don’t know why I felt so strongly that I needed to run away.

    When we got home, I jumped out of the car and went inside. He’s emailed me since then and wants to talk. He’s all apologetic now. I don’t know what to do. Do I talk to him? He thinks this is all about letting go of the past. For me, this is just me being freaked out when I feel his anger. I can’t deal with it. Do I invite this conversation so I can be triggered again? Or is this a red flag that Mr. Manly Man has anger issues? I’m having a hard time gauging if it’s truly his anger, or it’s my reaction to it?

  61.  #61Daria on December 28, 2009 at 2:01 pm

    Weird cuz for me, i haven’t noticed sadness making things crisp. Rather they feel mellow and flowy and sinky and fluidy

  62.  #62mary on December 28, 2009 at 2:02 pm

    oh, daria…

    i’m looking for something on rori’s site. maybe you know where it is?

    it’s a way to download a PDF of the blog. i saw it once, but can’t find it again!

  63.  #63Daria on December 28, 2009 at 2:04 pm

    Omgosh Shannon. ! I wish Rori woudl address this.

    Personally I would have loved to grab a cab.. and move away from what didn’t feel good. but i dont want to spend money on a cab because of scarcity mindset

  64.  #64Daria on December 28, 2009 at 2:05 pm

    Mary wow! a pdf!!! I don’t know ! please let me know if you do find out!

    that sounds awesome!

  65.  #65mary on December 28, 2009 at 2:07 pm


    someone told me once that anger is directly proportional to expectations. could it be that Mr. MM had lots of expectations about what might happen with you on your date? he was obviously coming on to you and enjoying your company.

    maybe he’s not skilled at receiving feeling messages. and maybe he’s a guy who can’t change plans on the spur of the moment. (my man is a bit more rigid…)

  66.  #66Daria on December 28, 2009 at 2:07 pm

    hi Mary, about the self absorbed thing. Well i believe there is no such thing. its a Good thing to be self absorbed because it fills me up with love and then i can Radiate more naturally.

    but i think we have been trained NOT to be self absorbed, so our NV’s jump in. So i practice loving the NV’s.

    And i must SAY, I think with the last Lefkoe thing, I actually feel GOOD NOW.

    Taking care of myself. I am able to walk TALL and not bend over and feel strangled when people look at me. And i feel COMFORTABLE loving myself. ie im not getting triggered!

    IT’s awesome. I feel like I have a new normal of self approval. And I notice I’m doing more good stuff for myself like health and beauty wise, naturally, that i felt resistance to before.

  67.  #67Soignée on December 28, 2009 at 2:08 pm

    I experienced some strange things. At my ex work, the policy was to smile the clients (a luxury resort). So, it was equal if I was sad, angry, etc. I had to smile meeting clients, greeting them. In a normal case, it is ok for me to smile. But if you have to, it is another thing. So when I was angry, sad, disappointed, I had to smile. I had to. But, the strange thing I noticed: as soon, as I forced myself to smile, I started to feel better. When I was sad, I started to feel not so tense. I tried and I had confirmations. By pretending that everything was ok, I started to FEEL BETTER. I read afterthat that some doctors suggest to relieve distress, to make some exercises, to make smiles, maybe when you are alone, to smile for 1 min, also if it is not normal at that moment. But the smile-the movement of the mouth-gives the brain the communication that you feel happy, so you switch your sadness into a better mood.

    When I spoke with clients, I had sometimes very nervous people in front of me, nervous, a lot of hurry. I had to manage distress. So I tried to speak in a very calm way. I pretended to be calm, I lowered my voice, and I FELT CALM AND LESS NERVOUS.

    So I noticed, if I feel sad, if it hurts me, I have to change channel, I have to pretend for the first minutes to smile, breath and to tune to another channel: to THINK about different things, probably happy or neutral. And when I THINK of different neutral or happy events, I FEEL BETTER.
    So pretending with my body language I am ok, it helps me to FEEL BETTER. If I go too deep into my sad feelings, I start to cry, to feel worse. I have to distract myself of painful feelings not to feel so bad when I am blue. It helps me. So my body and head help my soul.

  68.  #68Daria on December 28, 2009 at 2:09 pm

    I feel triggered!!!

  69.  #69Daria on December 28, 2009 at 2:11 pm

    Soignee – I believe both work.

    Going deep into my sad feelings and allowing them to cry and move my body and all that helped me as well. I think it helps with healing, touching all the deep down stuff… and then the emotions shifted naturally

    I would like to see what Rori says about this.

    Personally I have experienced times when it felt BAD to smile over feeling upset, and times when I smiled and it Did shift my attention to happier thoughts

  70.  #70mary on December 28, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    mmmmm… thanks, daria

  71.  #71mary on December 28, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    very cool, both of you. Soignee, homer macdonald talks about smiling and changing your tone of voice to change your mood, but it’s really interesting that because of work, where you had to pretend to have those emotions, you actually started having them.

    fake it til you make it?

    earlier in the comments to this post, Lisa sent me this:


    similar thing! you can actually start having chemistry with someone if you begin to act as though you have it already!

    I agree with you too, Daria. nothing like authenticity.

  72.  #72mary on December 28, 2009 at 2:27 pm

    Okay, here’s a modification:

    My man wants variety. I want more affection. I can’t give him more variety. He can’t give me more affection. we’re crazy about each other, love spending time together, etc., even would like to get married, but he wants variety; i want affection…

    So, I will date at least three, keep the focus on me until I have a ring on my finger and I’m happy about it.

  73.  #73Daria on December 28, 2009 at 2:45 pm

    Hehe Mary… I personally would go for:

    we’re crazy about each other, love spending time together, etc., even would like to get married. I want more affection. I’m not receiving the affection I want right now. That doesn’t feel good.

    So, I will date at least three, keep the focus on me until I have a ring on my finger and I’m happy about it.

  74.  #74mary on December 28, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    oh wow. this is tricky. i see it now.


  75.  #75Flipper on December 28, 2009 at 2:54 pm

    Hugs Robin. I so loved hearing your voice on your site. I feel supportive, and even more admirative of the wondrous life you are creating for yourself, despite so many travails.

    Mary, I feel thrilled for you giving your speech. Those good, powerful feelings you have now feel like the truth to me. Those thinky thingies about ‘pressure’ don’t feel right to me. Pressure IS. Creating it artificially to produce an outcome is one thing, pressure felt by someone as a result of someone else taking good care of themselves in a healthy, honest way is quite another. It doesn’t do any good to spare people the consequences of their own choices (or inability to choose) – because it’s feeling those consequences that inform anyone of how to choose! (And don’t forget – Rori did caution that guys will grumble, get angry and have no qualms about putting pressure on us. Let them.)

    Ah Dock and All of Us, as Janjune suggests, Here’s to Rori’s tools for family dynamics! (and why not professional and political dynamics to boot?).

  76.  #76mary on December 28, 2009 at 2:55 pm

    okay, i could probably be happy with less affection. the thing that makes the relationship not work is that he wants variety. he doesn’t come out and say it! i just figured it out yesterday. he’s drawn to the single life. it’s in his blood. he can’t not get out there… but he wants to come home to me, which doesn’t work for me.

  77.  #77mary on December 28, 2009 at 2:56 pm

    yes, here’s to Rori!

  78.  #78Soignée on December 28, 2009 at 2:57 pm

    Mary, it works for me.
    If it hurts, I try to distract myself of these feelings.
    Like in Gone with the Wind: I will think of it tomorrow.
    And it helps me. Because sometimes, the feelings are overwhelming and very, very sad.
    And I also want to ask Rori about feeling message issues.
    When I start to feel something disappointing, so for example, anger, sadness etc, I usually tell the man, that I feel sad, disappointed etc. The unique thing I noticed, that if I go too deep into the description of it, (pleas notice, I tell about a long, heavy, negative conversation which LASTS, ) it can spoil for example, the whole evening, it can become boring.
    If express the negative feelings too long, in a heavy way, they find me boring. So I think, that for a man works if I tell him my truth in feeling messages, the most honest truth about my feelings but that I do not exagerate with the time of description of negative feelings. Because it can spoil the mood and the people avoid the heavy conversations.

    it happens with me the same. When someone tells me about the problems, I can understand and help and have compassion. But if it gets too dramatic, I have some difficulties, because I feel too much pain and compassion for this person but I feel uncomfortable if I can not change anything.
    So Rori, please advise: it is ok expressing the negative feelings, but the messages can not last too much time, if not the people will avoid the negativity ?

    Please answer me, I will so much appreciate.

  79.  #79alias girl on December 28, 2009 at 3:01 pm

    simply shannon i feel compassion. it sounds like you two majorly trigger each other. i feel unsure how to help. you said you felt like you were overreacting and that you shut down instaed of communicated. hmmmm how can you feel safe to express yourself in the face of someone’s anger? is mr mm safe when he’s angry? maybe you intuitively sensed you would not be safe if you continued to express yourself and possibly made him angrier. or maybe he would have been safe and you are overreacting because of your past.

    ??? what do you think? how do you feel? i feel compelled to put my safety first. and yet sometimes i take knowing risks . and other times i flee.

    maybe have this discussion of feeling messages on the phone so that provides for immediate physical safety?? honestly though i feel untterly clueless how to help. i often feel afraid of people, both men and women.

    even though now i have found such a sense of safety in the world i still feel challenged to let people get close.

    i feel very inadequate to help. but i do feel supportive.

  80.  #80mary on December 28, 2009 at 3:10 pm

    well, Soignée… that sounds really wise to me! i’m actually gonna start doing that! just short and sweet. simply touch down gently on the painful thing, then leave it alone!

    that’s brilliant; thanks.

  81.  #81Soignée on December 28, 2009 at 3:15 pm

    sometimes the first aid is requested, a rush help, for example, the situation when I was upset (example, as I had break up with my ex, as soon as I was alone, I started crying and crying). I had to distract me by thinking of other deals. It is some kind of “fast help” when I was with other people. But certainly if I am at home or environment, I can be sad and cry and feel all the sadness I have inside and feel it till the end.
    But it was really strange as I discovered this at my ex work, by pretending to feel better, I felt better.

    It does not mean that I have to pretend to tell the man not the truth. I have to tell the truth what I feel indeed. Positive or negative, but the truth.
    But if the feelings are overwhelming, too dramatic, I have to be careful not to express them in the heavy way I sometimes can do, because I overload the man, the people with my negative feelings, so they can see me boring and negative. So I asked Rori about the advice.

    I believe that the expression of true negative feelings has to be soft. Not too dramatic. I am waiting for Rori comment.

  82.  #82Soignée on December 28, 2009 at 3:24 pm

    So I arrived to the description of my previous posts.
    We have to be SOFT, the soft ladies . And express TRUE negative feelings we have to be SOFT with it,too. Express it, feel it, but be soft with us and with other people around us. This softness to express ourselves will bring us grace and dignity in the eyes ot other people. It is more likely they will be compassionate with our negative issues if it is expressed in a soft way.
    If we express negative issues in a heavy way, our grace can disappear, we will be acid , negative, boring ladies and the men and other people around, they will avoid us.
    So only SOFTNESS in expressing our feelings is requested. It will bring dignity and feminity and GRACE.

    What do you Ladies think? What does our dear Rori think?

  83.  #83tinque on December 28, 2009 at 3:27 pm

    “sadness….they feel mellow and flowy and sinky and fluidy”
    I’m with you on this Daria. I truly love my sadness. It’s different from grief. There’s no anger. There are no edges. Many times when I feel sadness, I also feel so much love. They both fill me up in similar ways.

    Mary – “My man wants variety. I want more affection. I can’t give him more variety. He can’t give me more affection. we’re crazy about each other, love spending time together, etc., even would like to get married, but he wants variety; i want affection…

    So, I will date at least three, keep the focus on me until I have a ring on my finger and I’m happy about it.”

    “I love being with you, yet seems as though we want different things. From each other and from a relationship, and this feels uncomfortable (or bad or this makes me feel uneasy or anxious or unsure or insecure or whatever it is you feel).”

    Simple and too the point. he doesn’t need to know you will be dating others unless he asks or it comes up.

  84.  #84tinque on December 28, 2009 at 3:32 pm

    Soignee – “the expression of true negative feelings has to be soft.
    Yes soft is a good way to say this. When expressing difficult issues, in order to be heard, you have to remain calm ad to the point. It’s not to say you stuff your feelings. NO. You must feel your anger, sadness, disappointment, whatever, and you must express that you feel this way, but drama doesn’t make anyone feel better, and you won’t be heard.
    Yet when you feel good, exuberance, enthusiasm, melting are recommended, HIGHLY.

  85.  #85Soignée on December 28, 2009 at 3:33 pm

    I recently introduce into my day something new.
    I decide what kind of feeling I want to have most during the day. For example, today on Monday I want to have more and more SERENITY feelings. So during the day I try to concentrate on this feeling, I look for thoughts, situations, conversations, which introduce the feeling of serenity. When I speak with my friend, I remember that I want more serenity, so I concentrate on more peaceful situations I want to tell her. I collect this emotion the whole day long. I feel more serenity during the day.
    I feel calmer and more peaceful.

    Another day I choose Love, or Joy and I collect the emotions and these feelings, I concentrate on them, so my thoughts are always around to remember or to show me the situations with these feelings, so I train myself on beautiful emotions. My mind is occupied with finding these beautiful things and my heart is occupied by feeling these beautiful emotions.

    I feel better, I concentrate on beautiful, gracious emotions, I feel fuller and happier.

  86.  #86Soignée on December 28, 2009 at 3:39 pm

    Tinque, maybe I have to specify about negative feelings. Maybe I meant, something like difficult issues (for example, the really sad stories, grief etc.) Yes, the emotions, like grief, sadness when the person, man can be helpless, something when you tell about a hard loss, child issues etc.

    But you are also right about the feeling like to be furious. When I was furious, very convinced, angry, something like the men tell “bitchy”, and they appreciated it, it gave them fire. I was instantly attractive.

    So thank you for specify the feelings!!! Love

  87.  #87laughing goddess on December 28, 2009 at 3:44 pm



    I feel so sad and angry and depressed and scared. The thing is…I know that a good part of these emotions are coming from pms so I am trying to take it all with a grain of salt. I feel really scared about my finances right now. I am owed a decent amount of money for work I have done but none of it seems to be coming in. I know it will, it always does but I still feel scared. It’s like I do have some real concerns but the fact that I have pms is making them seem worse.

  88.  #88tinque on December 28, 2009 at 3:45 pm

    Soignee – ah je comprends. Yet it’s important to feel the feelings that accompany difficult situations. For only in that can you let them go and move on to a better feeling feeling. And there cannot be a timetable for grieving. Everyone is different, but there does come a time when grief becomes obsession. The feeling is quite different within yourself and from others.

  89.  #89Soignée on December 28, 2009 at 3:46 pm

    Dear Rori,

    tinque right now told me another good thing. Please specify, if it is ok. So being true is ALWAYS a must. Ok.
    But as I asked you in the previous post: expressing negative feelings has to be soft.
    But I remember sometimes when I stood up very angry and furious for me, the men found me sexy and attractive and with “fire”.

    But what emotions we have to be a little bit soft to express. Because if we overload the people with our for example past negative issues (difficult childhood, bad sad divorce, grief) the people around us will be compassionate. But if we do not try to tell these true feelings a little bit less dramatic, they will avoid us.

    But on the other hand, to be true, a warrier-girl, angry and furious if necessary and expressing the truth, it can be really a fire. But if it LASTS TOO LONG, the people will avoid you to, because of being too stressy.

    What you advise?

  90.  #90mary on December 28, 2009 at 3:55 pm

    oh, Rori, if you’re out there somewhere, please talk to Soignée. she’s asking you very softly and gracefully to say something to her! and what she’s talking about sounds very wise to me.

  91.  #91tinque on December 28, 2009 at 3:59 pm

    Sometimes tempers flare, and the words, the fire comes out, and that’s okay. When directed at another, it could cause them to shut down or lash out back at you.
    If it’s an emotion within yourself, a non-threatening to another kind of thing (for example you can’t get something to work or you spill something, and you get angry, all by yourself within yourself, but it’s apparent to another) a beloved for instance might find this cute or sexy, especially if it’s out of the norm behavior.
    But when you fire at another, you could be asking for trouble, maybe. It all depends on the person and the situation.
    Dwelling on negative feelings is never a great idea. It doesn’t feel good to anyone, and it’s usually a sign that you have not really felt the feelings. When you truly sink deeply into your feelings, especially the negative ones, they can’t help but morph into something else.

  92.  #92mary on December 28, 2009 at 4:00 pm

    tinque, i like your speech! i’m gonna find how i feel before tonight.

    i think i feel wonderful, elated, excited, relieved, happy!

    do i tell him that?

    one of his friends called me today to ask for a date. i didn’t answer the phone. could it be a trick? maybe so.

    if it was K, wouldn’t you tell him you’re gonna start going out with other men? i was engaged to R. he feels like home to me. we’re like a couple. it’s sort of taken for granted that we’re not seeing anyone else.

    yesterday, at the end of the conversation, he said “so where do we stand?” and some people sat down in the booth next to us, so i said, “let’s talk in the car.” and he never brought it up again.

  93.  #93janjune on December 28, 2009 at 4:05 pm

    is there any more information you could share about this TINQUE? for us newer goddesses.,.

    “When you truly sink deeply into your feelings, especially the negative ones, they can’t help but morph into something else.”


  94.  #94janjune on December 28, 2009 at 4:06 pm

    ….always love your comments Soignee

  95.  #95mary on December 28, 2009 at 4:08 pm

    hey janjune,

    tinque has a BOOK you can read! just hit on her name and it goes to her website. she talks about it in her book.

    i’m reading it now… : )

  96.  #96tinque on December 28, 2009 at 4:13 pm

    Well Mary I can’t even imagine going out with any other man. I couldn’t from almost the beginning, but I’m remembering now that he asked me if I wanted to since I had only been out of my longtime relationship a month or so. I told him I have found what I like, so why would I.
    If I had wanted to, yes of course I would have told him. But it had already come up,
    The thing is, as much as I believe circular dating to be a good thing, and maybe I feel this way because I’ve not been in a situation to date in this way, I believe I would feel confused and unfocused doing so. I have easily fallen into relationships, and up until now, they have not been good, but then again I was not in a good place to receive one, until now.
    I’m concerned that he let it all go when you asked to wait to speak in the car.

  97.  #97mary on December 28, 2009 at 4:20 pm

    i think he didn’t want to hear the thing about dating others. so i didn’t say it!

    there was actually a lovely ending to the day yesterday. i called some mutual married friends, and their answering machine was so cute! they were both singing, “we wish you a merry christmas… and a happy new year!” oh, so cute.

    so i told R about it, and he said, “well, maybe next year, if we’re married, we’ll sing on our answering machine, too.”

    i love hearing that stuff. but it doesn’t change the sad facts in this case!

    oooooooooh. my SAD. i must pay attention to it.

  98.  #98kaylon jean on December 28, 2009 at 4:26 pm

    I have a question. I just read your ebook and thought it was great. I have been dating a man on and off for over a year. We just had sex. He dumped me, and didn’t even call for Christmas. He has my number, and knows how to play me. I know he’ll call again. So, is it hopeless for me to ever get a respectful loving relationship from him? What do you recommend?

  99.  #100tinque on December 28, 2009 at 4:41 pm

    I’m sorry, but words are lovely, and many of us fall for them every time, but when it comes down to it, it’s the actions that speak the loudest.
    I have said this before, and I will say it over and over if I have to.
    My ex spoke the loveliest rhetoric and almost everyday, but he never lifted a finger to back them up. He strung me along with those words for over thirteen years.
    K on the other hand said little, almost nothing, yet his actions shouted from the rooftops, and I learned to hear/feel love in this way.

  100.  #101janjune on December 28, 2009 at 5:18 pm

    i was wondering about the feelings morphing into something else comment you made earlier, because i just haven’t found that…
    wondering if i was “missing the morphing”.

  101.  #102Jennifer on December 28, 2009 at 5:22 pm

    I agree. B talked a good game too. The dream house we would have, the trips together etc. But he never DID the things that move a relationship forward. Rings, house etc.
    In fact, when he went into the military he went backwards. He opened a separate account for his pay (as opposed to using the joint accout) listed himself as single etc.
    Now he is saying I left because I am monitarily motivated because I said I wanted a ring a wedding and a house.
    I am dreaming of the day that I find a man who “does” instead of “talks”
    Oh, and I bought it for 6 years. 😉

  102.  #103tinque on December 28, 2009 at 5:25 pm

    Janjune – When you suppress/repress feelings, they fester and will come out in other ways, whether it be a self-destructive behavior or an explosion at someone else.
    When feelings don’t have the space to be, they can manifest in some very strange and awful ways.
    When you allow yourself to feel your feelings fully, they have the freedom to flow. Eventually they transform into another feeling, sooner usually than later.
    Nothing lasts forever and certainly not a feeling. A negative feeling can move on far more quickly if you don’t try to avoid it.
    I hope this helps.

  103.  #104mary on December 28, 2009 at 5:27 pm

    well, Jennifer, i can see how you were in it for all that time. I’ve spent since June of 06 on this man.

    time to get out and about!

    it’s a New Year!

  104.  #105janjune on December 28, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    what i’ve experienced during my recent stints Swimming in the Soup is that the feelings dissipate altogether

    rather than turning into a different feeling.

    i was relaxing, being comfortable with them, accepting them, trying to get a hold on them, for the purpose of FEELING them and they were *gone* before i could describe them to myself.
    they just disappeared.
    it was only in going back, later, in my memory, that i could get ahold of them to record them.

    such a strange thing to feel this… feeling overpowered by something which is conquered, in my case, by ALLOWING it.

  105.  #106mary on December 28, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    i heard somewhere that most of the energy we spend is to avoid the feelings we have, and the avoidance of the feelings causes more pain than the feelings themselves.

  106.  #107janjune on December 28, 2009 at 5:33 pm

    just read your comment tinque,

  107.  #108tinque on December 28, 2009 at 5:33 pm

    Bingo Mary…

  108.  #109janjune on December 28, 2009 at 5:35 pm

    yeh mary,…in my case that’s starting to sound about right!

  109.  #110tinque on December 28, 2009 at 5:37 pm

    Not to worry Jennifer. We all learn at our own pace. Many not at all though anyone here could not possibly be in that category, or you wouldn’t be here in the first place.
    It doesn’t matter, two years, six years, in my case over twelve. Eventually, hopefully we get hit over the head enough to finally say, “enough is enough”.
    There’s no sense in regret. It’s a counter-productive feeling. What was, was. You can’t change it or take it back.
    Hopefully you learn and learn to recognize your weaknesses and work to strengthen them.
    You’re ready when you’re ready.
    It’s all good.

  110.  #111Linda on December 28, 2009 at 6:36 pm

    Mary, I have been reading your posts.

    You sound conflicted. That is okay. There is no judgement in my statement… it is understandable when the past with someone has been painful and trust has been broken. It is a good thing to stay in touch with how you feel and keep your goals as a priority. If you have doubts dont discount them but… ask yourself, are they based in things that are presently happening or founded on things that seem familiar and get triggered in you. I am curious is all.

    Trust is a delicate thing, I would venture to say that you dont trust R. IT takes time to rebuild that but can be done. It could be that it is a missing element between you and he. Just an observation that you might consider feeling your way through.

    Presumption often mascarades as intuition and I have found that it gets in the way of building a good relationship. for example..

    A couple of weeks ago, I when I was christmas shopping by where S works again, I thought… I would be smart and sorta test the water with and offer to buy him a drink after work, see if he bites….and as he had done in the past, he did not respond… I pressumed that he was doing his old thing, ignoring me etc. I felt proud that I had proved myself right.. I text and said ok, I will take that as a no, my phone is going dead, I am headed home… be well…

    I got a text a bit later that said… “I got busy with a customer at work oh presumptious one. I have a party to go to thank you for the invitation. Ouch, I got called on it and he was totally right. I had been presumptuous and my presumptions were indeed wrong. I learned something about me and the point was well taken. This little event showed me the difference between intuition and presumption. I was happy to learn it and it feels empowering to me to recongnize the difference.

    I just share my new thoughts and revelations.. maybe it will help you wade through your situation.

    Hugs… Linda

  111.  #112kaylon jean on December 28, 2009 at 6:54 pm


    I’m also wondering how to handle a man who is more feeling oriented and very manipulative, and uses that to hook you in. If you want to be the feeling partner, how do you respond when a man approaches you wanting you to nurture his feelings? How do you get him back to the thinking partner without putting him down, or being unfeeling? I hope you’ll let me know where I can get an answer to this, and also how to backtrack with a man once you’ve slept with him thinking marriage is on the horizon, then he dumps you, and you know he’ll be back again and you really like him, even though you know you shouldn’t. I’ve had one guy friend tell me that I should either never speak to the guy again, or be trapped forever in a no-win situation because I’ve played my top card, and he’s not acting like he’s in love with me, but instead that I’m now on the bench and the next call I receive from him will be the booty call. What do you think? Is there anyway to turn this around with this guy and regain my self-respect as well, or should I give up on this guy for good and never talk to him again?


  112.  #113mary on December 28, 2009 at 6:58 pm


    okay… feeling dense here…

    so i might be presuming that R likes variety? and maybe he really doesn’t? or that he this or that he that? and thinking that it’s my intuition telling me those things? instead, maybe i’m jumping to conclusions?

    maybe that’s why the focus stays on me? because i’m the only one who knows me in the first person? and i can’t know anyone else like that?

    not sure here… cloudy waters.

    this guy has had me bamboozled for years! i’m about ready to say enough is enough! a great relationship just WORKS, doesn’t it? i’ve seen relationships that just work. and though each party has to contribute, they don’t seem so difficult as what i’ve been going through.

    we’ll see what the evening will bring! going out with some friends for dinner who were NOT excited that i was getting back with him. i’ll be interested to see how it goes…

    thanks linda!

  113.  #114mary on December 28, 2009 at 6:59 pm

    thanks little tinquerbell!

  114.  #115Linda on December 28, 2009 at 7:45 pm

    Mary… The purpose of my comments on presumption was purely sharing something I personally learned lately.

    Trust with him is probably the biggest issue. Variety and all the other things are there too. If you dont have peace and confidence then you dont. You indeed are the only one who knows you. That is a good thing to focus on.

    Relationships dont come with guarantees, I wish they did. If we goddesses are inclinded we can confidently let life and things unfold in front and even the curve balls wont throw us off our game.


  115.  #116tinque on December 28, 2009 at 8:16 pm

    No Mary, I don’t see you as presuming anything. You have seen what you have seen, been through with R what you have, and this is your reality. Your uneasiness is well justified. If you feel uncomfortable, then there’s good reason even if the feeling never has words to describe why.

  116.  #117janjune on December 28, 2009 at 8:31 pm

    i’ve been “ruminating” today about your comment earlier. your comments seem to trigger me to new internal discoveries.
    “We are both recovering from being with a narcissist.”

    that has been moving around in me all day and all evening and it occurred to me that i’ve had a shift in perception.

    My point of VIEWING this issue now is:
    “I am recovering from emotionally abandoning myself.”

    the narcissistic abuse was just part the fallout from emotionally abandoning myself.

    i’ve heard that term before.
    i really get it now.

  117.  #118janjune on December 28, 2009 at 9:01 pm

    how did i find him and choose him and love him and want him to be mine above all others?

    doesn’t matter.
    the fact is i *DID*.
    this is why i love Rori’s PROGRAM.
    she’s not dishing up her philosophy about things, everybody has an opinion, Rori has a *program*.

    thank you Rori!!!

    knowing wouldn’t change things.
    *changing* things will change things.

    i love it.

    you can’t change the past you cant change the man and you can’t change what you’ve been through.

    But you can change what you do.
    and you can change the way you relate to yourself
    and what you will and will not allow people to do to yuou.

    yes, you may have had to suffer under someone’s rule at one time in your life for just sheer survival — yes.
    but today’s a different day than that.

    you can change what you do, how you view yourself and others and you can change your responses and you can change who you make your committments to and the reasons you make them.

    This is what Rori’s program is for me.

  118.  #119janjune on December 28, 2009 at 9:03 pm

    hope you had a good day today.
    was praying for you today.

  119.  #120janjune on December 28, 2009 at 9:41 pm

    hi jennifer,

    you sound so despondent, i feel like encouraging you to trust Rori’s program even if it doesn’t seem to make sense for your situation.

    also feel encouraging to share with you that i haven’t read one word yet in any of Rori’s work that talks about dealing with our (perceived) weaknesses. i feel leery that that will trip you up and get you off course if you get into that…

    so far, what i’ve read, Rori program is about

    And that ALL of *you* is worthy… strengths, weaknesses, successes, mistakes, loved or feeling unloved, my reading of Rori’s work is that she teaching about acceptance of our goddess selves, not about dividing our goddessness into categories of acceptable or less acceptable characteristics.

  120.  #121Tracy on December 28, 2009 at 9:45 pm

    Feels good to read your posts about s…
    I feel so inspired with everything going on with everyone..


  121.  #122Daria on December 28, 2009 at 11:01 pm

    Wow Mary thank you for bringing up that Rori letter: I am prinitng the questions here for myself to remembre to ask about all men:

    –Do I feel happy when I’m with him?
    –Do I feel happy when I’m NOT with him (am I
    pining away for him, or do I feel loved by him
    even when we don’t speak for a day or two)?
    –Do I feel loved and secure, or do I feel
    confused and insecure?
    –Do I feel safe enough with him to let him
    into my heart and experience, or do I find myself
    shutting him out?
    –Do I feel safe enough with him and inside
    myself when I’m WITH him to share even my negative
    and angry feelings (in Feeling Messages, of
    –Do I feel like MYSELF when I’m with him, or
    do I feel like I’m trying too hard and working too
    hard to get affection, attention, time and love?

  122.  #123Daria on December 28, 2009 at 11:15 pm

    yay janjune loving what youre sharing today. i feel like yes yes yes. triumph. thank you

  123.  #124Daria on December 28, 2009 at 11:16 pm

    Mary I say yes. It is an assumption that he wants variety.

    on the other hand, Mary feeling insecure and unsafe is a real feeling.

    Personally I love the magic that happens when I can release presumptions about other people. Sometimes big transformations happen. It opens up the magic space.

  124.  #125Daria on December 28, 2009 at 11:20 pm

    Linda I feel glad that your magic brought in wonderful stuff with S. I feel like wow open space of flow.

    i felt like “cringe” uhoh reading aobut asking him to get a drink, sending texts or other seemingly lean forward stuff… but then i also experiment with these things.

  125.  #126Daria on December 28, 2009 at 11:21 pm

    –Do I LIKE MYSELF when I’m with him? Or do I
    judge myself when I’m with him?
    –Do I feel strong and capable and beautiful
    when I’m with him (and even when I’m not with him)
    or do I feel weak, uncomfortable and less

  126.  #127laughing goddess on December 28, 2009 at 11:46 pm

    Daria: thanks for posting those questions. It feels very helpful to me.

    P.S. I will send your money tomorrow. Had to put some $ in the bank.

  127.  #128Daria on December 28, 2009 at 11:58 pm

    LG – yes Mary posted the link! hehe! ps thank you!

    How is the Lefkoe working for you?

  128.  #129laughing goddess on December 28, 2009 at 11:59 pm

    I feel so sad. I just had an experience that left me feeling very shaken up. I was at the gas station which is across the street from the movie theater and I saw J pull in and meet a woman and walk into the theater together. When I saw it, I my heart started beating fast and my hands started shaking. It felt really bad.

    But I feel intrigued and curious why I felt so bad seeing that.

    For one thing, I was just coming home from dinner with another man. Not someone that I am interested but still.

    I think the reason it hurts so bad is because J just got back in town today after visiting his family for two weeks and he called me and we made plans to hang out tomorrow and I must have gotten my hopes up. And seeing him tonight dashed those hopes

    But, part of me wonders if I am not just PRESUMING like Linda says. I don’t know anything about what their relationship is. It could be just as innocent as my dinner was with that man. For all I know, he could be wishing it was me with him then. Or not. But the point is, I can’t possibly know what is going on. All I do know is that he called today, we had a good talk, and we have plans fir tomorrow. But gosh, I feel so shaken up and triggered by seeing that.

  129.  #130Daria on December 29, 2009 at 12:05 am

    i feel sad. this guy who was super fun to talk to this morning and who i felt so super sexy and amazing talking to,, well he texted me all day and then apparently i was driving thru were he was at and he wanted me to come thru

    but i said i dont know who u are really and i dont want to drive to men

    and he seemd upset i didnt know who he was, i gave him my number online but hey i give my number out a lot cuz i dont like talking online.

    so also he said he likes me and my swagg (ie my diva attitude) but to “miss him” with what i wont do.

    so i feel a lil deflated and sad.

    and he said hes royalty and wants to be treated special but i get a man vibe from him not a girly vibe and basically to look him up etc (ie seeming hes upset i didnt know who he was) . so i did find him after he sent me his address and he is cute.

    so i texted him that i like him and i feel scared to get brushed off that i dont want to drive to men. and that im feeling sad dam


    over and over and over again

    this driving to men thing seems to turn them all off

    i must have some weird resistance

  130.  #131Daria on December 29, 2009 at 12:07 am

    this telling them I don’t drive to men. or i dont want to drive to men.

    its like they get instantly on guard and say that im playing a game or something.


    i feel sad

    it would be cool if i had like 3 other guys driving to me but i have zero

    and this has happened over a hundred times over and over

  131.  #132Daria on December 29, 2009 at 12:10 am

    or… what do i do if i spoke one time ot a man and then he says.. well call me when you get out of work, or the movies…

    do i call him?

    ive been saying… mm i dont like calling guys, id feel better if you call me

    but about half the time they say what you need to get over that

    and then when the car thing comes up

    its like i even feel like im being demanding and weird, and imposing these “rules”

    but the truth is i DONT really want to have to drive to a man

    i mean i wouldnt mind a few times, but I WANT a man who comes and takes me out on dates. i want lots of men who come and take me out on dates.

    i feel sad

  132.  #133Daria on December 29, 2009 at 12:12 am

    i just told this guy online i was chatting with:

    like ive been starting to look for men who treat me well
    and want to take me out and stuff
    and part of taht like an important part
    is i dont want to drive to men
    for dates
    and so
    it seems like over and over again
    guys act all on guard when i tell them that i dont want to drive to men

  133.  #134laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 12:13 am

    Okay! And also, why would I feel so shaken up by seeing him at the movies when I had sex with another man a week ago???!?!?! WTF? What is going in with me?

    I feel terrible, confused, and disturbed. Part of me feels like telling him tomorrow that I can’t continue hanging out with him. Telling him how I felt when I saw that and that this situation feels too confusing for my heart, and that I don’t want to be his friend for a while. Part of me feels like shutting him out would be silly because the problem isn’t him, the problem is my own resistance…my own mind. I KNOW if I just leaned back, and was patient, and didn’t let myself get triggered and then pull away from him, I know know know that he would come back to me. I know it would happen with everything in my body.

    I know that Rori says we shouldn’t be friends with exes. And part of me wants to follow this advice but I don’t feel like I would be being honest. I do want to be his friend. I just don’t want to get so triggered when I see circumstances that don’t seem to support my vision of us being together. I want to feel trusting…to say to myself “this is okay. I know things are going to work out for me and I’m not going to jump to conclusions and let this throw me off track. I’m going to be a goddess and focus on feeling good.”

    Argh! Is this denial or faith?

  134.  #135Daria on December 29, 2009 at 12:14 am

    he says( omgosh i feel shocked!)

    when u say by drive to men ur saying that u want to be picked and all the time for dates and taking out

    me: yeah

    him: and ur right u should be the one being picked up all the time

  135.  #136Daria on December 29, 2009 at 12:16 am

    him: i dont understand y some guys dont do that…. i always pick up my dates

    me:wow i feel shocked
    i feel really glad to talk to you about this
    thank you

    him:hey thats y im here for

    me: i was starting to feel kina insecure

    him: dont be

    me:hehe ok
    thank u

    him:no need lol thats how it should always be , guy picks girl for dates up

  136.  #137laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 12:20 am

    I feel sad to hear that this driving thing keeps coming up for you. I want for you to have loads if guys coming to pick you up. I don’t feel capable if offering any wisdom but I do feel empathetic and supportive. (to quote AG)

    I haven’t done all of the lefkoe sessions yet. I have crappy Internet access at the moment. Plus I seem to have some resistance to doing them as well. I dunno why. I really thought they seemed helpful. How are u feeling about them?

  137.  #138laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 12:24 am

    Wow! I feel excited about online guy Daria. How do you feel about him?

  138.  #139Daria on December 29, 2009 at 12:27 am

    oh i feel much better. i felt amazing after doing the whole thing in one weekend. but then it kinda came all back at once cuz the one body therapist said that belief changes will only work on top of the energies stuck in the body

    but then i did two sessions with the Lefkoe lady on the phone, and on the second one (the first one we struggled) we removed

    “other people know better than me” and “i can’t trust myself”

    and ever since then i felt much more confident, im standing up straight and dont feel all bent in half when people are looking at me

    it feels awesome

    she also helped me get the “who am i reallY ” – the creatrix of my life

    so i can now remove beliefs by myself just by doing hte abbreviated process in my head (i just tried it, since im the creatrix)

    id say good!


    ps thank u for the support

    the guy who gave me the support is on the east coast, i dont feel sexually attracted to him right now i feel good talking to him

  139.  #140mary on December 29, 2009 at 12:28 am

    I just got home. After we said goodbye to our friends, R and I went to his place.

    He was not affectionate. I felt humiliated and maybe mad? Now I feel sad. But also glad, because I’m getting ready to date other guys. Maybe they’ll be affectionate.

    And my heart was not in it.

    Oh, how can I say that? Of course my heart was in it! I was unzipping my heart all night long!

    But no response. Oh, wow. Or maybe there was a response? But nothing on the seismic chart.

    You know, I don’t want to live without affection. When he withholds affection, I don’t feel beautiful. I judge myself when I’m with him. But he tells me I’m beautiful. Is he just saying that? I feel everything when I’m with him: loved and secure and unloved and insecure. I feel like I’m trying hard when I’m with him. Very hard. But I also feel like I’m able to be myself. Shouldn’t it be easier? Sometimes it’s marvelously easy. I’ve had guys just DYING to be with me in the recent past. This guy: HE CAN PASS SOMETIMES. Other times he is aMAZing. He loves me. He cares for me. He does all the Rori Raye rowingtheboat things for me. But…

    What keeps me in it?

    Maybe I’m just TAKING CARE OF HIM. Maybe I’m CODEPENDENT!

    Will this confusion ever go away? Oh, so sorry to tax you guys with it! (codependent thing, coming out) But you can’t just wear your friends out all day long for two or three or four years, or however long it’s been! None of my friends want to hear the R word.

    Thank you for listening.

    I’m undone.

    Trying too hard.

    Very tired.

    Maybe I’ll sleep now!

    Love you all!

    kisses thrown your way!

    talk tomorrow… please leave a message if you have any more ideas. thank you for the help so far…

    I’M GETTING BETTER. I just know it. Soon I will be the queen bee and all the honey bees will be buzzing around the hive…

    Because of you.

    Thank you.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you THANK YOU thank YOU thank you THANK you thank you thank you thank you… !

    MIXED MESSAGES! I’m picking up mixed messages.

    How painful. It leaves me off balance.

    Soon I’ll have my balance back.

    In the morning…

    Love, Mary

  140.  #141Daria on December 29, 2009 at 12:30 am

    LG – your situation trying to and wanting to be friends with J sounds like me at a time with guywhohadababy

    we are not friends right now

    just today i thought about how wow, i dont want to be friends (lady gaga was on, and she sang about a bad romance, i dont want to be friends i dont want to be friends!)

    i thought wow i dont want to be friends. i want to be your woman!


    i mean ok lets choose … friends… your woman

    ill go for your woman NOW

    thank you

    friends was cool awhiles ago but now i dont feel friends. i feel i want to be your woman

    i was settling for friends before

    what i want is to be your woman.

    not sure if this is helpful for you, but i feel glad to write it down for myself

  141.  #142laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 12:38 am

    Okay, so I am not going to break things off with him completely but I am going to completely lean back. I will respond to him. I will initiate nothing. I will lean back and be the lovely goddess that I am and I will give him a chance to step up and I will give myself time to determine if I even want to be with him.

  142.  #143laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 12:44 am

    Thanks Daria! It felt good to read your post. I feel like right now I want to be his friend but in a leaning back way. But if it stars to not feel good I will say…

    I don’t wanna be your friend. I wanna be your woman.

  143.  #144laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 12:52 am

    I feel excited to see him tomorrow and unzip my heart, listen at level two, only share feeling messages and passion stories, and lean back. I feel so excited!!!

  144.  #145laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 1:05 am

    So, tender guy, the guy I had sex with last week is supposed to come back from holiday travels any day now. Before he left he said he wanted to get together when he got back. I am feeling antsy because he hasn’t contacted me and made arrangements. I want to lean forward!!!! But I also don’t want to. I feel impatient!

    We exchanged a few texts while he was gone. He called to make sure I made it safely to where I was going and I couldn’t really talk so I texted him later.

    Then I texted him merry christmas. Both times I initiated the text and both times he responded quickly with a sweet message. I didn’t text back either time because his messages didn’t really require a response. I feel ok about initiating those two texts and his response but I don’t feel good about doing any more leaning forward. But I also feel impatient. I love my impatience. I feel worried because I realized that I gave him my wrong email address and I’m worried he tried to get ahold of me that way and he thinks I’m not responding to him. Hopefully if that’s true, he would at least call and not give up completely.

    It’s funny, focusing on this has reduced my feelings of angst over seeing J and woman at movies.

    I need a couple more circular datees in my rotation so I don’t worry too much about any single one of them

  145.  #146laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 1:13 am

    I feel excited for more men in my line up. The two I have are awesome! Wait! There’s three! I’m going to count the guy I went out with tonight. Another friend but there obviously sparks. I know he is interested, I just haven’t given him much opening or opportunity. He gave me two awesome (and expensive) Christmas presents and took me out to a nice dinner tonight. So he counts. And I am counting J even though we are technically just friends. We go out on what feel like dates, he gives me gifts. It feels like circular dating to me.

    So wow! Yes. I have three and I am ready for more! Bring ’em on!

  146.  #147laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 1:15 am

    Daria: I feel very happy to hear that you are feeling improvement from the leskoe work. I feel inspired.

  147.  #148Soignée on December 29, 2009 at 1:17 am

    Daria, thank you for the questions I have to put for myself to ask if I feel ok with my men with him or without. It is so useful.A reminder.Thank you.

  148.  #149Daria on December 29, 2009 at 2:10 am


    guy i had sex with called. i told him online this morning – i did a total experiment to contact him.

    i said peeakaboo\

    he said wow youre nosy

    (he was kidding but i was like wow haha well isnt that something)

    anyway i felt weird so i told him this morning i was feeling upset and weird and strange. he said “its just u” i said i felt mad. i said i felt upset and well he disconnected then connected and i didnt say anything

    then he called tonite and i didnt feel upset seeing the name come up on my phone
    so i answered and he was like hey how are you all jolly

    and i was like im feeling ood

    hes like “im feeling good” mocking me in a nice way

    i said thats more like it

    anyways he started talking and making jokes. he mostly talks about himself and stuff in his life.

    so as usual i noticed i felt insecure, cuz i dont feel like the attention is on me

    i also feel delighted and amused and laughy and excited cuz hes making jokes and its super fun to talk to him

    i told him several times that i felt insecure, but when i asked him what he thinks he said basically liek “well that sux” or something like that

    im liek gee thanks i know lol

    i said i feel good but i also feel bad, lkike i dont feel the way i do when a man is really into me

    and he said something about how he’s not going to say stuff to lead me on, he wants to be 100% honest, etc

    so i still felt kinda bad

    which i did say

    then we laughed and joked more laughed and joked more, talked about sex, i felt good. i felt special

    i said i want more romantic stuff, it feels too friendly

    he said well hes gonna need some help with that cuz hes a caveman (part of a joke)

    i talked aobut how i dont want to feel like i like someone more than they like me, cuz that feels bad

    he said with me how would i hurt your feelings. i said not that you would hurt my feelings

    hes like well in general? well in general i say dont open your heart so much like you do. he said he used to open his heart but hes gotten hurt and now its more numb. like he can still feel his feelings but not as much as before

    maybe hes a feminine energy man… he talks a lot about how he feels

    but i dont feel pulled to give to him, like i do with other men that i look down on

    i jsut feel interested

    when i said i feel worried i dont want to like him more than i feel i am , he said its his vibe,

    people want to be around him, because he has this awesome vibe

    i felt a lil jealous. then i opened and loved my jealousy and i said hmm i like that. i want to have that vibe

    cuz i can, by borrowing it with eft or just choosing

    but ANYWAY

    im feeling off balance

    and also i feel good! it feels SO FUN talking to him

    i feel a lil lost here

    what do i want

    i would say i want him to be in love with me…

    in feelings that would mean

    i want to feel secure and given to, and also fun and happy.


    thats a good feeling

    now as far as what to do, i dont have to do anything hehe

    nice message.

  149.  #150Daria on December 29, 2009 at 2:19 am

    i find a voice in me saying, if only i was the kinda girl he liked or whatever, he would be into me

    like i feel like i want to ask him

    what can i do so that you will like me?

    but i dont want to do that

    i feel a lil helpless

    everything feels so light and easy, except when it feels sad and that feels bootsy (i told him)

    and he laughed about it feeling bootsy

    i want him to fall in love with me, and me feel easy breezy – its cuz i have a VIBE \



    right now im feeling off balance

    and i also feel happy

    and a lil confused

    it would feel fun to have help to heal this type of situation

    its not quite but kinda of a condensed echo of my feelings with guywhohadababy

    while things were still feeling good between us

    i want to feel loved!

    and i do to an extent

    i seem to want to think of things that will make him like me

    one of the things i thought of, was to ask him for something, like everytime

    like maybe ask him to come see me, or take me out, or brign me a rose, or etc

    but then i realized that would be just a strategy to “get him to like me”

    which probably wouldn’t work


    i want to feel soooo GODDESSY that i feel absolutely wonderful!

    i love myself

    does this mean i dont go have sex with him next time he calls and im free and want to?


    i want to have sex when i want to

    does it mean i would require him to come to me? which right now i know is gonna mean i wont see him since he doesnt have a car… (tho he did bart one time, but he was able to stay at my house then)

    he was my sex toy boy, which is why i was excited last time to go to him and have sex

    because i asked for sex and it showed up, out of nowhere really

    so do i put him in the dating category now?

    maybe so… cuz im starting to feel like dating

    i feel scared!

    i dont want to stop having sex


    i would like to have sex AND feel good AND Goddesslike


    i would like to feel clear and happy about this and powerful and confident!

    thank you


  150.  #151Daria on December 29, 2009 at 2:27 am

    hey… what if another man shows up that i could have sex with AND it feels great?

    that would rock. then what would that be like?

    well i would tell him. i like you and i feel good and FUN talking to you, but i feel off balance like im not feeling all the way wanted like a woman, more like a friend, and i dont want to feel insecure.

    you have to get to me if you would like to see me, because that way i will be able to see that you want me.
    (this seems a lil too directive, but how do i rephrase)

    and then i would have sex with the other guy


    i feel a lil sad that i might not really talk to him for awhile then, and it feels FUN to talk to him

    (it feels Fun to be his friend = mhm that pattern =)

    i feel a lil sad thinking i might not talk to you, cuz it feels so fun! but the truth is i want more and i dont feel good feeling insecure

    (whats the rest of the speech??)

    so im gonna lean back now, and take care of myself , and it would feel great to have you show up and take me out and date and romance me, but no pressure. love ya. D

    something liek that

    we had a convo cuz he wanted to talk about another woman again

    him: i know you get mad when i talk about other women BUT…

    me: MHM

    him: yeah hmm so you dont want me to talk about it, i have to hold it in then?

    me: i guess so

    him: how come its cool for you to talk to me about other guys and when i got even 1% jealous, etc..

    i had to get the milk

    gosh this convo felt fun and i felt energized

    now i feel even better writing it out

    but i feel sad too

    i feel sad that i dont know what to DO with the conflict

    of feeling really good and fun and also sad and kinda confused and not good enough


    i love myself

  151.  #152alias girl on December 29, 2009 at 2:29 am

    thank you sirens for all your loveliness.

    i learn a lot from reading even when i am not responding.

  152.  #153Daria on December 29, 2009 at 2:35 am

    –Do I feel happy when I’m with him?


    –Do I feel happy when I’m NOT with him (am I
    pining away for him, or do I feel loved by him
    even when we don’t speak for a day or two)?

    yes and no, yes most of the time, no the last time cuz i felt put off that he chose to tell me not to come over because his play sister (who also was riding with his baby’s mom) had an emergency thing to talk to him about. normally i would feel horrible, but i jsut felt slightly bugged. and kinda relieved cuz it mighta been better to not go over

    –Do I feel loved and secure, or do I feel
    confused and insecure?

    confused and insecure

    –Do I feel safe enough with him to let him
    into my heart and experience, or do I find myself
    shutting him out?

    yes. i feel safe.

    –Do I feel safe enough with him and inside
    myself when I’m WITH him to share even my negative
    and angry feelings (in Feeling Messages, of


    –Do I feel like MYSELF when I’m with him, or
    do I feel like I’m trying too hard and working too
    hard to get affection, attention, time and love?

    yes i feel like MYSELF. like i dont even have to think about leaning back, i can tease him and make jokes. i feel like a childlike relaxed version of myself. but sometimes i get in my head and think “wow hes talking so much about himself, he doesnt seem focused on me, how do i get the focus on me”

    –Do I LIKE MYSELF when I’m with him? Or do I
    judge myself when I’m with him?

    I like myself. sometimes i feel a lil less than him, or some girl i imagine he’d be more into,

    –Do I feel strong and capable and beautiful
    when I’m with him (and even when I’m not with him)
    or do I feel weak, uncomfortable and less

    when im with him i feel cool, but i feel every now and then not as beautiful. i feel like a friend more than beautiful. but other times i feel powerful and beautiful.

  153.  #154Daria on December 29, 2009 at 2:36 am

    I feel safe with him and i like that! I felt safe with guywithbabytoo!

    like i know they’re not gonna hit me


  154.  #155Daria on December 29, 2009 at 2:37 am

    alias girl i lov eyou

  155.  #156Daria on December 29, 2009 at 2:49 am

    also i found out he hasnt had sex since we have. i thought he would have had sex with his baby mom. he told me they are still talking adn cool, but hes not having sex with her.

    i felt surprised. he was telling the truth as far as i could tell. he’s muy honest.

    he also did wind up talking about that other woman, but i didnt feel bad. he had sex with some other woman awhiles back, and he didnt really like her, so he was telling me about that and well about how

    he wasnt into somethings for her, as eh would with me

    i said i feel special

    i said why

    he says becuase he sees me and the person i am. hes spiritual like me. so i can talk to him easily about stealing dreams or magic and stuff.


    i just realized that maybe part of why im feeling insecure is that im the one who would drive to him at this point

    i would feel better if he was driving to me, picking me up

    just cuz he was my sexploration man doesnt mean i have to drive to him.

    so maybe i can tell him i dont want to drive anymore, im feeling too insecure showing up to have sex.

    and when and if i do feel like having sex, like i did last time, i can change my mind and go over

    but right now i feel more like emotional desire than sexual desire feeling

  156.  #157Daria on December 29, 2009 at 2:50 am

    they can go together. ill see how i feel

    i trust myself

  157.  #158alias girl on December 29, 2009 at 5:06 am

    i <3 u too daria.

    damn she's a sexy chick. a sexy chick.

    i feel happy you are sharing your goddess journey. 🙂 i feel lucky to read about it.

  158.  #159Linda on December 29, 2009 at 7:36 am

    Daria… experimenting can be okay dont cha think? I would not do it if I was feeling frantic or that needy clingy that I used to find myself feeling. I mean sometimes putting a fleece out to test the surroundings or the mood when I am not all wrapped up in the response feels okay.

    I have this visual of pokin’ a sleeping dog with a stick. lol I was curious if he would growl or wake up and wag his tail. (wink)

    Linda 🙂

  159.  #160Lola on December 29, 2009 at 7:44 am

    Help , help, help!!!!

    I have had a good Xmas with my boyfriend and it’s gone horribly wrong!!!!
    We have had quite a lot of problems – we were pretty much living together and then he had big fall out with my 15year old son and didn’t come around for a while while he was about. There’s been a lot of toxic behaviour but I started useing the tools and it has been so much better.
    He kind of invited himself for Christmas and it all went OK – accept he had a terrible cold which has got worse and I have been taking care of him.
    Today all went a bit weird, I am very premenstrual and had a bit of a phone altercation with my son – but nothing dreadful. When we got back home my son was at home but on his way out and N went down to the car to get something.
    He bumped into my son on the way back and tells me my son completely ignored him. I got really upset (PMS style) but I also know the implications of this – basically no future together other than dating…it’s quite a blow because I thought we were on the road to forever,
    He then said he was going back to his flat as we weren’t going to have a good day together and he needed to think about the fact that he could not be around my son, what was left after that if anything.

    I feel so devastated and also as my children have now gone to their father’s now …alone!!!!!
    I can’t believe I looked after him sick for the last 4 days and he has taken off leaving me in an empty house with my friends all away.
    I have been back and forward with this guy for a year now (we’ve been together 20 months). One minute we’re gonna be together the next he say’s we’ll just have to have what we have. I feel wretched! I feel so so so stupid for letting him come and be here.

    I can’t believe he has left me alone at Christmas!!!!:(((((

  160.  #161Lola on December 29, 2009 at 8:19 am

    Help me ladies
    Please give me some words of wisdom, it feels like when i have PMS i completely loose my ability to do anything in my own best interests. i guess i just really love this guy but it just isn’t gonna be…
    I feel stupid for allowing myself to think things would work out, I feel so desperately sad. I feel stupid for not heeding all the red flags.. I feel overwhelmed by all the relationships with males my boyfriend, my son my ex husband.
    He says that if that thing with my son hadn’t happened everything would be fine.

  161.  #162tinque on December 29, 2009 at 9:07 am

    Lola – “He says that if that thing with my son hadn’t happened everything would be fine.”
    This is angry making talk. It’s a lame excuse for bad behavior.
    One year is not very long, especially if you don’t live together. Seems to me his true colors are bleeding through.
    There’s no good in beating yourself up though. We want to believe, so we ignore the signs. We want to be loved and to love in turn, so we excuse so much.
    We’ve all done this Lola, so you are so not alone.
    Take this alone time to be really, really nice to yourself. Take a long bath or a long walk if it’s warm enough. Watch a bunch of all your favorite movies, Turner Movie Classics?, read a great book, make something, a sweater, a cake, cookies, something savory, pour yourself a generous glass of wine and sit by the fire if you have one. Do anything and everything that makes YOU feel taken care of and safe and content.

  162.  #163Simply Shannon on December 29, 2009 at 9:13 am

    LG: I think you were on to something when you were imagining a different ending to the story when you saw J. It could have been an innocent movie. And what if it wasn’t? Are you a rockstar? Do you believe you could have him if you wanted him? When I feel worried that I’m not enough, that’s when things really trigger me. When I believe I can have any man I want (that I’m a rockstar), I don’t sweat other women. Either a man wants to be with me or he doesn’t. I refuse to be hung up on any one man until they give me a very good reason to be (aka a ring/commitment).

    Daria: Your comment about feeling insecure because when you talked to that man his focus was on him and not on you, I feel resonance with that. I appreciate you said it because I couldn’t put words to that feeling. When a man isn’t inquiring about me and just drones on and on with stories about himself, I feel bored and ignored. It’s like “aren’t you interested in me??” Blech. It feels good to feel curious about another person up to a point, but I want a man to give me his curiousity too, ya know?

    Linda: I feel interested in watching this story unfold with Mr. S. Are you still circular dating? My red flag triggers are all kinds of up (when he asked you to cosign, I felt cynical and wary). I feel curious in how you’re handling this. I feel so cautious, like I’m constantly looking for the deal breaker with men, like I believe it’s there. And that feels exhausting to me. I want to look for the good, not the bad. I appreciate how you are handling yourself with him. I feel bad because I don’t want to knock you down (you’re doing so well). I’m just expressing my own insecurities here.

    Lola: It would feel awful doing all those things and then being dropped like a hot potato. It would feel better to experience those feelings so I could move on. Learning from our past is what allows me to love those parts of me when I feel a made a mistake. Now I recognize it and can do something about it. So this Christmas didn’t go exactly as planned. It can’t be changed now, it’s in the past. What do you want to do today? What is something you can do for you to feel happy?

    AG: Hi! 🙂

  163.  #164laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 10:33 am

    SS: Hi! Thanks for sharing your thoughts. The thing I feel so perplexed about is why I had such a strong visceral reaction. My mind knew it was okay but my body reacted so strongly. It felt like having a panic attack with my heart beating fast and my hands shaking. It felt like my head and body were disconnected.

    My head was thinking
    * it’s no big deal. I know he hangs out with this woman sometimes but he has also given me the impression he’s not that into her
    * I was just out with a man and it was innocent…could be the same with him
    *I know he must have some interest in me because he called as soon as he got back in town and asked me out
    *what am I so worried about anyway, I just had sex with another guy who I feel interested in yet I still love him as well

    All these thoughts were going through my mind yet my body felt like it was freaking out and I think it’s because I was also thinking

    *he’s out with her which means he doesn’t care about me. Thinking this felt like such a disappointment in contrast to how excited I felt earlier in the day when he called and asked me out.

    It feels somewhat similar to your reaction to Mr. MM’s anger. Where you said you felt like your reaction was out of proportion to the actual facts of the situation.

    Hmmmm, I feel really curious about all of this. I want to understand why I had such a strong physical reaction.

    Have you had any new insights into your interaction with Mr. MM?

  164.  #165Linda on December 29, 2009 at 10:39 am

    SS… Thank you for your encouragment and cautions. I have red flags too. I too feel uneasy and cautious/wary. I am letting that cosign request ride and is tabled at this point. I have put out some feelers about it and am gathering information so I am informed for myself. I am not obligated to put myself at risk in order to help him out nor do I see it as a way to keep him around. How ugly that feels. I have excelent credit but do not have excess income to cover anything if defaul happens.

    I am planning to speak to him about it and I will be crossing that bridge soon. If me not doing this is a deal breaker then I will have my answer. Time is on my side
    as always.

    There is a change in him no doubt. Trust, and security with him is priority one…. he can figure out transportation. ….


  165.  #166laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 11:08 am

    SS: I just reread your post and I think you are right, it does have something to do with me feeling like I am not enough.

    I think the physical reaction was so strong because some part of me felt physically in danger seeing him with another woman. Some primal part of me felt scared that I would be abandoned and left out in the woods to die alone. I felt physically threatened seeing that.

    It’s weird because I have seen them together many many times before. We run in the same circles so we often have interactions where the three of us are together. I’m realizing that the only time I feel so physically triggered is when I see them in town from afar. When we are all together in a social setting I usually feel fine because he and I are interacting and I can feel him paying attention to me and I don’t feel threatened by her even if he came with her. Okay, so now I’ve got the triggering instances narrowed down to seeing them from afar. Now I feel curious as to what deep belief I have that is causing this trigger.

    I do believe that I could have him if I want him. I have pretty much done everything wrong with him. I have broken all of rori’s rules over and over. Yet he’s still around. I know I could have the relationship I want with him if I would just follow the rules.

    He just called as I was writing this. I felt laughing, and giggly, and silly talking to him. He asked me if I want to do something tomorrow too. WTF?

    I feel curious if the problem is that I have placed him on a pedestal…that in my heart I have made him too important…so important that I feel physically threatened by seeing him with another woman.

    I feel like I am on the edge of something huge. I feel hopeful that if I could figure this out I could have a huge breakthrough.

    I know it might seem obvious to you wise goddesses but it feels so elusive to me. I really want to get this deep in my bones.

  166.  #167Erika Awakening on December 29, 2009 at 11:12 am

    I find myself more and more craving simplicity.

    The simplicity of no excuses, no logic, and no games.

    The simplicity of “yes, we love each other and we are here for each other for the rest of time.”

  167.  #168laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 11:24 am

    Okay…so it seems like what I need to really get…to really feel…is what you said SS

    ” I refuse to get hung up one any one man until he gives me a good reason to”

    And in order for me to GET this, I have to feel like I am enough. I am enough to survive with or without him, I can feel good with or without him, I will be connected to God, and love, and well being with or without him.

    I definitely do not feel like breaking things off with him completely. I have the potential to learn so much from my interactions with him because he triggers me so much. Plus, he’s awesome.

  168.  #169laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 11:40 am

    Erika: do you have any insight into my strong physical reaction even though my mind knew things were okay? Simply Shannon had a similar response to her man’s anger. I feel curious how this relates to eft and energetic patterns in our body. I feel curious if you have any insight. I would also like to hear more about your post about simplicity. It sounds very nice but I feel unsure of how to get there with someone.

  169.  #170Erika Awakening on December 29, 2009 at 11:43 am

    “I’m ok with or without him.

    Thinking out loud here. Has anyone else considered whether it’s beliefs like that that might be pushing love away.

    Is it really true? If I invest in a man, and he doesn’t live up to the trust I placed in him, am I really okay with that?

    No. I’ll speak for myself, but no I’m not okay with that.

    It has occurred to me recently that I have no problem at all getting a refund from my credit card company if a merchant sends me a defective product.

    Why is that? Because inside I KNOW it’s unacceptable for a merchant to defraud me, and I’m going to do whatever it takes to make sure that doesn’t happen.

    Why are our standards so much lower with men?

    I, personally, am revamping my belief system to make it unequivocally clear that if a man makes promises to me, he had damn well better keep them.

    Or there’s going to be hell to pay. Just like with a merchant.

  170.  #171tinque on December 29, 2009 at 12:05 pm

    I don’t believe it’s possible to be as black and white with people as with a credit card company.
    People’s emotions and energies shift continuously. We are simple creatures yet remarkably complex.
    Promises are just words. Words can and often are meaningless. Pay attention to the actions.
    Payback serves no one. It’s so not worth the bad energy.

    Laughing Goddess – We can have strong physical reactions as you did for a number of reasons. It could be your instincts telling you to be be aware (beware). It could be a knee jerk response tapping into old insecurities. I would lean toward the latter. You’re jealous? Which is just another word for fear. You’re wanting to be the love of everyone’s life, the best there is, which is just more words for fear. You’re wanting him back, fear. It reminds you of your father or someone else close to you, fear. You want retribution,, more fear.
    You fear being rejected or abandoned. I think it comes back to this. Strong emotions, especially ones ingrained in us early produce strong physical responses, good and bad.

  171.  #172Erika Awakening on December 29, 2009 at 12:11 pm

    Yeah, and before having a knee-jerk shut-out response to what I’m asking here, I’d invite you to open up to the questions I’m asking.

    I notice a lot of knee-jerk shut-out response on this blog.

    Sure, feelings change moment to moment. Does that make it okay for someone to go back on a promise?


    I’m not talking about payback. I’m talking about accountability. I’m talking about bringing things to conscious awareness so that destructive patterns can no longer continue.

    I’m talking about questioning ALL of our assumptions, because until we question them, they are running us … unconsciously.

  172.  #173tinque on December 29, 2009 at 12:21 pm

    Yes I understand what you are saying Erika, and I’m not saying you are wrong for asking for what you want/ need or for just wanting that, but many people are not able or at least not able at this particular point in time.
    Asking something from someone that can’t will only disappoint/anger/frustrate you. Is it worth it?
    I am so not a confrontational person, so this is maybe why I feel this way. It’s difficult for me to imagine someone preferring accountability from someone who is incapable over letting go and having peace. Without a nice, neat bow at the end.
    I may be making an assumption here, but it seems to me these feelings/desires you are having come from the what I feel are not very nice actions you were at the receiving end of from E.
    Yes, that must feel awful. If it was me, I would be crushed, devastated. And I’m sorry. But I still feel you won’t get the resolution you seek.
    I hope you do, really.

  173.  #174janjune on December 29, 2009 at 12:28 pm

    i second that on shut-out knee-jerk reactions on this blog.
    it feels exhausting. it feels not helpful. it feels awful.
    it feels as if some have all the answers.
    i feel people wouldn’t be on this blog if they were that pulled together! haha!

    also i feel the condescension is stifling sometimes.

    i feel triggered.
    hooray for triggers!

  174.  #175janjune on December 29, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    i didn’t mean that haha! in a mean way.

    i just felt tickled.

    because it rings true that people who are pulled together don’t inhabit blogs about being pulled together.

    and i just felt a chuckle coming up at that realization.

  175.  #176janjune on December 29, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    back to work….

  176.  #177Erika Awakening on December 29, 2009 at 12:33 pm

    Ok, Tinque, what I hear is that you don’t like confrontation, and maybe you don’t believe it helps solve issues.

    Not so very long ago, I used to avoid confrontation like crazy. It felt VERY uncomfortable, and I never thought I would get a good result out of it anyway.

    When conflict would arise in my non-violent communication practice groups among other members, it reminded me of my home family dynamics, and I had an impulse to flee. It was not uncommon for someone in the room to flee.

    Now I find that pretty much the *only* way problems really get solved is to confront them directly.

    It’s the only way to dig deep into my belief system and find the hidden saboteurs. It’s the only way to make people conscious of the dynamics of a situation so that the negative patterns stop.

    My entire family’s dynamic, for example, has shifted, after years of dysfunction, because I was willing to confront things directly.

    And they are beginning to be *grateful* for what I did, even though it was uncomfortable for months … because the unconscious negative patterns were not serving them either. What hurts one person also hurts the other.

  177.  #178gina on December 29, 2009 at 12:36 pm

    I think it’s healthy to choose to be Okay with him or without him. If he chooses to leave or if he dies, should I not be okay? should I chase him, beg him, or kill myself cause I’m not okay without him. It may hurt, but no matter what, I’ll be okay without him. I would like to meet a guy who I would prefer to be with than without, that’s for sure…
    Johnny is back in my head and it’s weird cause all i think about is how I would say “no” if he were to come back around. The deeper feeling is longing for who I hoped he was and what I hoped we could have. But he so did not deliver. I guess I’m feeling lonely and sad and weird and sleepy. And my brain wants a story to go with it. Thoughts of my family swim by. A glimpse of what I hoped could be with G flashes. Unfulfilled dreams ache in my heart. And then Johnny pops up, and I feel comfortable indulging in thoughts of him because the situation feels just enough “my fault” to feel a little regret, but the vast majority is “his fault” and I’m a “victim.” So I get to think of him coming back, and it feels romantic. And then I think of me saying no, and I’m heroic. And then maybe he walks away sadly, and I say “Johnny!” and he turns back to look at me, and we just know that the past is forgotten and forgiven, and we rush into each others arms. But then I’ll remember some snakey thing he did or said, and I’ll know that it’s impossible for me to ever trust him. So I imagine the speech I’d give him…”the words I heard didn’t match the experience I had. And now I have no faith in your words…” I dunno, but I choose to be okay without him, because it’s beyond my control – there is no customer service line I can call. i wish there was – I’d demand a refund on the energy I invested. All I can do is shop around and wait for a better offer. In the meantime, I’ll do my best to be okay without him.

  178.  #179tinque on December 29, 2009 at 12:45 pm

    When I say I don’t like confrontation, I’m not saying I avoid. If something feels bad, I will say so. Maybe this is what you would call confrontation, so in that I would agree.
    Yet I no longer expect anything from my speaking up. There doesn’t have to be closure for want of a better word though I really don’t like it. There doesn’t even have to any sort of a response at all.
    I cannot control the reaction/response of another. If someone is open to hearing what I have to say, wonderful. If not, that’s okay too.

  179.  #180tinque on December 29, 2009 at 12:48 pm

    “I’d demand a refund on the energy I invested.”
    gina – yet you would have missed out on whatever felt good to you in that time. and the lessons you learned. all of that is very valuable…

  180.  #181Erika Awakening on December 29, 2009 at 12:50 pm

    All right, Tinque. And if your approach is working for you, great.

    For me, I just keep questioning my assumptions.

    “I’m ok with or without him.” I realized that was a form of a “cactus” belief for me, and it’s not really true. I don’t like the picture of what the world looks like if people disconnect abruptly with no regard for the promises they made.

    I’m also starting from the premise that minds are joined, and that when we shift, other people have no choice but to shift with us.

    At the end of the day, I only need to persuade myself that I deserve something. It will then land in my lap without any effort at all.

    That’s why I value communication so much. As I identify and eliminate the incongruities in my own belief system, the world I see is aligning with what I really want … not what I thought I had to settle for because “that’s just the way it is.”

    It’s only “the way it is” because we believe it. If we change our beliefs, the picture changes.

  181.  #182Lola on December 29, 2009 at 12:55 pm

    Thank you Tinque and SS for responding.
    I spoke to him on the phone and he is now saying that he will not be with my son again. when I said that means we will never be able to live together or be married he said no it doesn’t – it means we can do that when he leaves home he wants nothing more to do with my son and my ex husband (who he feels is behind this- there’s been a bit of trouble there over last couple of days).
    He says we’ll see each other for those times he’s not around. He says my son’s ‘broken’.

  182.  #183Lola on December 29, 2009 at 12:57 pm

    I wish I had some balls now to do what I need to do but all I can do is sit here crying.
    I know I need to end this.

  183.  #184Rori Raye on December 29, 2009 at 12:57 pm

    Lisa – This is so beautiful, Thank you…Love, Rori

  184.  #185Rori Raye on December 29, 2009 at 12:58 pm

    Mary, Thank you so much for this and your other observations and insights and stories…totally mesmerizing, beautiful and helpful. Love, Rori

  185.  #186Rori Raye on December 29, 2009 at 1:01 pm

    Janjune, Thank you so much for keeping after me here…there are so many things that need keeping up with, and I don’t want to accidentally dilute the immediate connection I have with you this way until I know I can add something like a forum to the plate. I hope this way works at least reasonably…and I’ll let you know the moment I have another idea that I feel I can make work. Love, Rori

  186.  #187janjune on December 29, 2009 at 1:01 pm

    i still feel triggered…

    and also all the opinion giving that goes on on the blog that has nothing to do with anything in rori’s program.

    i feel exhausted going through all the comments that aren’t even talking about the program Rori has created or her Tools or USING them.

    i feel irritated when the blog gets overtaken by chitchat by people who don’t even sound like they are reading the materials or learning the Tools or trying to use them.

    Rori HELP!!!!!!!!!

    Please create a forum for those of us who want to discuss using your WHOLE program. not just wanting to discuss endless casual dates or who jumped into bed with who on the first date like you say not to do.

    I feel exaperated

    Rori please create a forum for women who want to use your Tools and Program for actually healing themselves and want to be OUT of the cycle of abusive relationships instead of trying toi find out how many ways we can stay in them.

    as it stand right now, this blog feels more like a blog on toxic women than it does on toxic men.

    thank you.

    miss goddess/bitch/diva/warrior woman janjune

  187.  #188janjune on December 29, 2009 at 1:07 pm

    i just read your comment here.

    i feel triggered by what seems like this blog being used for almost every BUT your program.

    i don’t really know what you meant in your comment –because i’m triggered and working though it and still can’t think straight when i’m triggered.

    i woill go back and read your message later.

    i do hope you find a way to use this valuable program you have created in a way that structures it toward actually USING it and providing a forum dedicated to women who are interested in moving ahead using yOUR PROGRAM and encouraging each other in doing so.

  188.  #189Rori Raye on December 29, 2009 at 1:11 pm

    Robin – oh my – okay – call me crazy, but I LIKE this guy. I’m going to jump this off into a post…Love, Rori

  189.  #190janjune on December 29, 2009 at 1:26 pm

    i just went back and read your comment.

    i hope you can figure out a way to do it.
    suggestion: a different website or even an additional menu selection on this current website?

  190.  #191Rori Raye on December 29, 2009 at 1:34 pm

    Simply – I’m not sure what this man’s thing is – but I sense a real opportunity here for you. YOU have difficulty with anger coming at you – and this man has anger issues and expresses them in weird ways. VOILA!!! CONVERSATION!! Try asking – “Are you mad at me?” This is a good question to ask whenever you feel uncomfortable…often it loosens up everything. Most of the time, he’ll say “no”…but it will open things up…if you stay connected to your feelings, he’ll start to feel safer and start talking more – and then…like magic …he’ll open up with what happened, what he felt…and you’ll be on a whole new level with him. You may discover he’s all about himself and get bored. You may discover there’s something there for you both. REgardless of the RESULT – in the process, you’ll learn to stay conscious and present even in the face of ANGER!! What a total turn-on for you! Love, Rori

  191.  #192Rori Raye on December 29, 2009 at 1:38 pm

    Soignee – The trick with anger is to practice expressing it on your own, to the mirror, in writing, to a man, to get familiar with your patterns. You’ll catch on to that point where it shifts from anger and frustration to something he actually did – to discovering that you are actually DEFENDING yourself. Sometimes, a man, in defending himself from what he perceives as a criticism – even though it didn’t feel that way to you when you said or did something – says or does something that triggers US…and so we start by sharing our anger at his defensive move…and then discover that our anger is a defensive move, also…and from there…you can go really deep with him.

  192.  #193Lola on December 29, 2009 at 1:50 pm

    I want a speech any suggestions?

  193.  #194Rori Raye on December 29, 2009 at 1:55 pm

    Erika – I’m so sorry I missed this while it was happening – trying to follow now, but as I reply, I might miss the statement before…so please all bear with me as a adjust and re-adjust. Re: Being okay – I think we’ve just got a definition problem here. Of course I’m not okay with “that”! I have righteous anger and a penchant for justice! BUT – I am okay with ME. I am okay. I can live just fine, thank you. I can survive just okey-dokey without the man. I will thrive and prosper and have great love. if he didn’t want what he said he wanted – if he changed his mind and trampled on my heart and broke promises – I certainty don’t WANT that man in my life, as much as I may FEEL that I do in my heart and body…and I may be deeply triggered to rage and the awakening of all my old traumas. Now –going to jump this off into a post…Love, Rori

  194.  #195Lola on December 29, 2009 at 2:00 pm

    I feel so angry! I lost my man!!!!!!
    He’s telling me its all my fault!
    I feel sh***!

  195.  #196janjune on December 29, 2009 at 2:00 pm

    being triggered is a knee-jerk shut-out reaction.

    shut down.

    it feels like beng with a narcissist to
    listening to people with all the answers
    correcting others’ feelings
    telling them they’re wrong and dismissing them by wishing them the best
    with a electronic shrug of the shoulders and rolling up of the eyes.


  196.  #197Erika Awakening on December 29, 2009 at 2:02 pm


    I get what you’re saying, and I still stand by what I said. For me, there’s way too much “cactus” in a lot of the “I’ll be okay no matter what he does” statements we all use.

    In every other area of my life where I wanted real change, it came when I *really* put my foot down and said, NO. I’m not making excuses for you anymore. This is intolerable. And stood in that until things changed.

    – Erika

  197.  #198Erika Awakening on December 29, 2009 at 2:04 pm

    Lol, janjune, well said. I’m trying to notice all the “little” ways I disconnect, such as saying “best of luck to you” or “I wish you the best.” I don’t always catch myself in time, but I’m trying to become acutely aware of them so that I never disconnect even in the little ways.

  198.  #199janjune on December 29, 2009 at 2:59 pm

    just went back and looked over my falling on the edge of the coin steps and lost it at no. 5.

    falling on the edge of the coin would have felt like processing my way through no. 5 and when i got to no. 8 or 9 continue to ask rori to provide a different kind of forum.

  199.  #200janjune on December 29, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    no, i got triggered when tinque more or less told you to havce a nice life like well, you’re not doing what i say, so i wish you well…. END OF DISCUSSION.

    i had something like that done to me on here by someone recently, which triggered me at that time too.

    when you were given that type of response it triggered my anger about narcissists, and i just let all the feeling about it come up to my consciousness, who i feel summarily dismiss others like a used Kleenix when others don’t see things the way they do. i should know.

    Trigger! Its my trigger. i’ll learn how to handle it without a meltdown. didn’t use my Tools this time.

    i like the contrast your voice provides.
    even if it’s dissenting with the rest of the goddesses because just because the herd is going one direction doesn’t make it the right way to go.

    sometimes (alot of times) i feel like no one is even brave enough to speak up on this blog because the stronger, more dominant voices take over and push them down, or belittle or just ignore. i know i’ve felt intimidated to speak up or dissent when one of the wise ones is pontificating. but that’s a whole issue with me,…not speaking up.

    that feels exhausting.

  200.  #201tinque on December 29, 2009 at 3:43 pm

    janjune – Ouch, that hurt. I feel badly you feel triggered, yet I ask you respectfully to please reread what I wrote with fresh eyes.
    I sincerely wish Erica is able to enact what she desires. It hasn’t been my experience, but this doesn’t mean it can’t be hers. And I said as much. I truly hope she gets the resolution she seeks.

  201.  #202janjune on December 29, 2009 at 3:43 pm

    that sounds mean
    “when one of the wise ones is pontificating.”

    but it feels scrougey and stuffy
    it feels boring and irrelevant to hear people’s OPINIONS. or how they are NOT using the program and the results that brings.
    we already know what reults NOT using the program brings

    it feels healthy and fresh and life-giving and caring and nurturing and supportive to hear how the goddesses are using rori’s Program.

  202.  #203janjune on December 29, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    this is what i mean about people being on the blog who aren’t working with rori’s program and are trying to suggest how others feel be or do.

    do you realize that a major part of rori’s program involves being triggered?

    if so, why are you saying you feel badly that i am triggered?

    i am working rori program by being triggered.

    this is what feels exhaustng to me about being on this blog.

  203.  #204Linda on December 29, 2009 at 3:56 pm

    Lola, take some time and reflect. How have you really been feeling about your relationship with your man. Cared for, loved, safe, happy…. or in ways that are described differently. So often we are so caught up in doing, that we forget to notice how we are really feeling about everything. I know that used to be my problem. Requires me to take a step back and regroup.

    One thing I will say, “It is NOT all your fault”… what a lie. Dont even go there or let him tag you with it. He bares responsibility for the break down here, even if there were outside forces that may have influenced it. Did you do them… NOPE… Examine your feelings about this and own them, you will probably find strength in you that you did not know was there.

    I have been where you are, you are responsible for you and he is reponsible for him. Sounds like he shut down that is not your fault at all. Only be responsible for what is yours in all of this.


  204.  #205tinque on December 29, 2009 at 4:01 pm

    Janjune – I have known Rori back when she was starting out, long before she was on the internet. I know her work well. I’m telling you this so that you know I participate here not from a place of being more knowledgeable but because I am on my path just like everyone else here. I have been through some very painful things as have all here.
    I have also made some incredible breakthroughs and had some amazing revelations.
    Rori has asked me to be here that I may share my experiences and what I have learned. What worked for me will not work for everyone, but even if what I have to say helps just one person….
    When I tell you I feel badly you feel triggered. I don’t want you not to feel triggered. In trigger there is growth.
    I’m very sensitive to triggers and know how uncomfortable they can feel. Yet I also know good things are on the other side.
    This doesn’t mean I can’t feel for your pain nor my own.
    I wanted to express empathy and also share your growth and mine too.

  205.  #206Erika Awakening on December 29, 2009 at 4:03 pm

    Janjune, I appreciate your willingness to speak up. I have also often observed comments on here that felt very dismissive to me. What I hear in that is fear of being open to a new approach. I’m sure that I have also made comments that felt dismissive to others. I agree with you that being here is in part about being triggered.

    Tinque, I’m not seeking resolution. I’m practicing staying connected with entire situations, in all areas of my life, even when they feel extraordinarily uncomfortable, even when I am massively enraged, and knowing in my heart that some patterns simply must be eliminated from my life permanently. They don’t serve anyone.

    How is a man going to know the true emotional impact of his actions if a woman is not willing to stand there no matter what and tell him, no matter how uncomfortable it gets?

    How were my parents going to understand the impact of their actions if I didn’t stand up and bring it all into conscious awareness?

    If I don’t speak up, we just end up avoiding the issues for years, and resentment grows and grows. Emotional distance grows and grows.

    Resolution sounds to me like a form of disconnection. I’m practicing staying self-connected and connected to situations no matter what, until things transform.

  206.  #207Lola on December 29, 2009 at 4:08 pm

    Thanks Linda

    Deep down I know its not all my fault. It just hurts so bad right now. Tonight is the night to get through because I’m on my own (I was really looking forward to spending tonight with him – the food he was going to cook is in the fridge), Then just the New Year.

    I have often felt loved and cared for by him but it is usually followed by a great big bump as I fall from a height. I thought I had turned all that around.

    I actually feel very indignant right now to know that he is offering me so little – I know I deserve more. I know that I will look back and think he walked out on me at Christmas – I know I won’t be able to forgive him for all this.

  207.  #208janjune on December 29, 2009 at 4:27 pm

    your comment to jennifer
    “Hopefully you learn and learn to recognize your weaknesses and work to strengthen them.”

    tinque!! NOT RORI’S PROGRAM!!!! At all!!!.
    feels like puffed up pontification on my soul.
    if you know rori’s program
    why would you say something like this?
    it feels counter=productive to growth.

    no one on here spoke up.

    and now your comment to erika
    “Yes, that must feel awful. If it was me, I would be crushed, devastated. And I’m sorry. But I still feel you won’t get the resolution you seek.
    I hope you do, really.”

    feels like … bad

  208.  #209tinque on December 29, 2009 at 4:42 pm

    We all have weaknesses or should I say self-perceived ones which is what I wish I had said initially. We all have things within we want to change within ourselves. I offer support to any who wish to take this on, for it’s not easy stuff. I offer comfort to anyone who hurts even if it’s “good hurt”, a hurt that takes us further on our path.
    If that feels bad….

  209.  #210Flipper on December 29, 2009 at 4:46 pm

    I feel a bit upset with the contentiousness going on. I want to soothe and explain and say No or Stop. But I don’t really feel like it anymore. Let it happen and not curl up in a ball and hide. Anyway, I Know the triggering is good, somehow, and I feel grateful other people are stepping up and engaging. I really would like to start engaging myself – in my own issues, not on here – so this is helping me.

    Erika wrote “How is a man going to know the true emotional impact of his actions if a woman is not willing to stand there no matter what and tell him, no matter how uncomfortable it gets?” Not feeling capable of this myself, but resonating profoundly with the need or logic of it, my own wonderings wind up wanting someone else to clue men in (schools? fathers? ????… there’s really only me?????).

    I feel curious – Erika, do you have anything to say about letting Lola’s man “know the true emotional impact of his actions”? (Lola, I feel empathy and supportive, but overwhelmed by the unfairness about the son and male-rivalry baggage stuff being put on you. I hope you find your voice to make things as good as possible for yourself and your family.)

  210.  #211Erika Awakening on December 29, 2009 at 4:53 pm

    Yeah, the comments feel disconnected to me. Like a commenting about someone else’s pain (analysis) instead of being with someone’s pain.

    Do we all have weaknesses?

    Who gets to say what is a strength and what is a weakness?

    To me, the evaluation of “weakness” comes from the logical mind. I’d rather teach someone how to love and accept themselves no matter what. To step off the crazy-making hamster wheel of self-improvement.

    To realize we deserve deep, devoted, permanent love right now, exactly the way we are, without having to “improve” anything. Our parents may have taught us that we have to earn love. We may think we have to be more feminine or more understanding or less understanding or whatever.

    I say we deserve love right now, exactly the way we are. And it’s the self-judgment, and the lack of self-acceptance, which is the ONLY thing in the way of having what we want.

    So I love and accept Tinque completely, exactly as she is, even if her comments didn’t feel very connecting to me. Even if I felt unheard and unseen. Even if I get frustrated with what I perceive as knee-jerk shut-down around here.

    She’s still here. She’s participating. She’s offering her love and experience.

    And I love and accept myself, doing all the things that everyone else says will never work. Perhaps I know better than anyone else what is right for me.

  211.  #212janjune on December 29, 2009 at 4:53 pm

    oh god tinque, please…

  212.  #213janjune on December 29, 2009 at 4:55 pm

    your last comment feels even more dismissive than the previous two.

    it feels so unconnected to the person you are speaking with.

    i’m done.

  213.  #214gina on December 29, 2009 at 4:56 pm

    I feel defensive of Tinque. Typically, I’m able to accept Tinque’s words really well, and there are other coaches that write on here that feel like fingernails on chalkboards for me, so I usually skim what they have to say – yet, I read other sirens relishing their words. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

    As for why I don’t always follow Rori’s program 100%, it’s cause the most successful relationships I know of weren’t born out of this system, and don’t resemble this system. For instance, my brother and his girlfriend have been together for 4 years, are super happy and in love, yet she often drives to see him and the relationship started with her bringing him ice cream. However, at the heart of their relationship is a masculine/feminine dynamic, and from the start, she followed her intuition, and is consistently true to her feelings. She didn’t need “tools” cause there doesn’t seem to be much intellectualizing between how she feels and what she expresses. So, I see that part of their success is due to her ability be in a relationship with a man. But I also see that she seems to magically “click” with my brother and my family. She fits right in. My family and hers spend holidays together, and it’s just a great match. I think that my lack of a relationship is due to a need for me to tweak the way that I handle uncomfortable feelings, and because I have not encountered a man with whom I “click” like they do. I have had exciting adventures on my own…and maybe that’s the trade off in terms of luck so far. Or maybe it’s possible to “have it all”…I’m not sure. But I am willing to try new ways of being to attract love into my life. Sometimes that may mean following Rori’s advice, and other times it may mean exploring an impulse to try something besides what Rori advises that I have never tried before. Lots of times, I learn firsthand why Rori teaches what she does. Can the stories of missteps be tools of learning? Or is this blog only for the “serious student” who follows the rules to a “t”?

  214.  #215laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 4:57 pm

    I feel really good about my belief that I will be happy with or without him. I feel good knowing that my happiness is not dependabt on anyone else’s actions. This doesn’t mean I will accept someone not keeping their promises. It just means I am going to put my happiness as my first priority. I am keeping that promise to myself. Since I my own behaviour is all I can really control, that is what I am going to focus on. I feel great about that. I feel good about the way Rori articulated it a few posts up.

    Janjune: I feel understanding of your being triggered. I have had similar feelings before about people on this site. Now I feel accepting. I feel open to others having their own experiences. I don’t want to try and control what they are doing. If I feel bored, or triggered, or annoyed with what someone is writing, I just skip over their post. It feels good to allow others to go through their own process. It feels good to know I don’t have to get involved if I don’t feel inspired.

    I felt sad to read your comments about people chit chatting and having sex on the first date. I felt bad because I took it personally (which I know is an assumption because I don’t really know who you were talking about). But once again i also Have had similar thoughts in the past and I do understand where you are coming

    The thing is, I do know that I AM using Rori’s tools even when it may seem like chit chat. I am practicing using feeling messages. I am focusing on leaning back, etc etc. I guess what I am trying to say is that I see a lot of Rori’s work being addressed here and I feel sad when I think of segregation because I learn a lot with the forum the way it is. I love that we are all in it together.

    Even though I feel defensive and triggered Janjune, I also feel loving and compassionate. I enjoy reading your posts and you feel like a wise and loving person to me.

    I do feel triggered by the sex comment. It just feels bad (even tho’ I don’t know if you were talking about me) because I had been celibate for TWO YEARS prior to that! And my understanding is that Rori says we should see are circular dating as free therapy. For me, being intimate with that man was like therapy and I felt better doing it with someone that I DIDN’T really know that well. I felt safe and free knowing that I could work through my block to being intimate with someone that I didn’t have a bunch of story around. I felt safe because I didn’t have any baggage or attachment to him. He was a very good friend of several of my very good friends so I knew his history and that he was a safe and good guy.

    I feel amused by how defensive I feel. 🙂

    I feel sad tho’ because this was a huge thing for me and it hurts to hear it tossed aside and downgraded. (even tho’ as I said, I don’t even know if you were talking to me)

    I feel defensive and also amused by my defensiveness. 🙂

  215.  #216Flipper on December 29, 2009 at 4:58 pm

    I feel a “Wise Woman” vibe from Tinque. I feel comfort and encouragement from her interventions. I don’t see contradictions with Rori’s programs, but complements, a different sensibility, and credibility from her own satisfying relationship and Rori’s continued references to Tinque’s experience and expression.

  216.  #217Lola on December 29, 2009 at 5:02 pm

    Is there something in the air? It feels like there is confrontation everywhere right now.

    I feel like I’m dong scorched earth here while everyone is debating I am being un-godessy and provocative. Told bf to collect his stuff tomorrow which isn’t at all taking time and reflecting as Linda suggested.
    My period is 4 days late my hormones are raging, I’ve had a little too much Baileys I’m a loose canon!
    I feel so angry and hurt and disappointed I’m hoping I may pass out in a daze soon.

  217.  #218laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 5:06 pm

    Tinque: thanks for your feedback on my strong physical response. I feel resonate with everything you said about it. I do feel I need to be best and I feel scared that if I’m not I will be abandoned and left alone to die. I have a survival instinct around it. I feel ready to let go of this old and useless belief! I feel thankful it came up last night so I can be aware of it. I feel appreciative of your feedback.

  218.  #219Lola on December 29, 2009 at 5:12 pm

    He keeps saying “I’m not saying its over, I just refuse to be around when your son is around, so we need to look at what’s left after that and decide what we can do”.
    Is this crumbs from the table?
    What would a siren say to that?

  219.  #220Erika Awakening on December 29, 2009 at 5:13 pm


    Thanks for the question. Lola has not asked me for advice, and I don’t know her full situation, so I’m answering this more generally and not attempting to give unsolicited advice here.

    When I read words like this:

    “but I also know the implications of this – basically no future together other than dating…it’s quite a blow because I thought we were on the road to forever,”

    I hear a lot of fear and pain, but I also hear a lot of beliefs that to the person who has them FEEL true but are not actually true.

    (Why should a simple run-in with her son disrupt the whole relationship?)

    So my approach here would not begin with confronting the man. It would begin with deconstructing and rewriting the belief system that is creating what I perceive as a very chaotic situation arising out of belief that are in conflict with each other. I don’t want to speak to this particular situation, because I don’t know enough about it, but typically what I see is that these situations arise for people when they have accumulated a lot of distressing experiences over the course of a lifetime and have learned to expect bad outcomes from the smallest things that happen.

    When we go back through all the distressing memories and clear out the emotional charge around them, things start to clarify. And from clarity it becomes much easier to take a stand with a man.

    That’s my overall approach.

  220.  #221laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 5:19 pm

    Lola: I feel some humor coming from your last post and that feels good to me. I know what pms does to me and I feel compassion for what you are going through. I know how it can make a situation seem so much worse than it is. I feel understanding of how horrible it must feel that your man can’t or doesn’t want to get along with your son. I also feel touched that he is still open to living with you. I hear him saying that he still wants to be with you, even live with you. I feel curious about what would happen if you tried to see things from his perspective. Teenagers can be very difficult to be around. Maybe he just needs some understanding and compassion? Have you tried explaining yourself to him in feeling messages? I feel worried that you may think I’m saying you are doing something wrong and that’s not what I mean at all. I’m just trying to say that maybe it’s not as bad as it seems (colored by hormones) and maybe this can all be worked out.

  221.  #222Lola on December 29, 2009 at 5:34 pm

    laughing goddess
    Thanks you for compassion – it feels good to know you understand the madness I’m going through! However we stopped trying to live together after his first run in with my son. We were edging towards it again in the last month or so. He is only open to dating now – or whatever is left after we take out the time my son is around as he says! Actually we’ve been here before and he wants what we have but just a few days a week plus no future. As he says we can think about living together marriage when my son has left home. My son is 15!

    Thanks. I think in my last post I realise what I am saying is what is the sireny thing to do? Of course that isn’t in my heart right now – its just raging!!!But I feel that’s what I’m trying to get to. I know I have a boundaries problem – which I have been working on and this has caused chaos in my life!

    I feel open to any comments and/or advice as I feel it comes from a good place and with good intention : )

  222.  #223laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 5:34 pm

    Wow Gina, “can the stories of mishaps be tool for learning”? I really love the way you described that. I have had the same experience. I learn so much from making mistakes and from reading about others. For me, I know and understand Rori’s tools in theory and now I am working at being able to apply them in the moment. It takes lots and lots of practice. My natural way of being is pretty much the opposite.

    Also, the main thing I get from Rori is that she wants us to experiment and learn about ourselves. She offers the tools for those of us who need guidelines and structure but she says ultimately we can be rockstars and do whatever we want. Because the benefits we get are not directly from the tools themselves but from the state of being they lead us to. Once we can navigate to that state of being whenever we want we can do whatever we want.

    I live this!

  223.  #224laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 5:39 pm

    Ha ha! I meant to say

    I love this!

    I wish I could say I live this! I’m getting closer and closer tho’ each moment 🙂

  224.  #225Lola on December 29, 2009 at 5:44 pm

    laughing goddess
    I also meant to say, but side tracked myself:
    I do sort of understand where he’s coming from in that it must feel so hard to come into a family (2 children) and especially with a teenage boy. I have gone through a lot with my son. I love him to bits but he has run a bit wild. I think that I could understand my man saying “I have to back off and give it another shot further down the line”
    But he’s saying “I will never change my thinking on this”
    He also said “your son is broken” I feel deeply hurt by this. I don’t believe you can ever say that about a child – ever give up on one. I feel so bad he said this. It makes me feel like crying that he said this.
    I have talked in feeling messages (when I remembered to!!!)
    I feel reassured that you are out there to talk to me about this.

  225.  #226laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 5:46 pm

    Lola: how do you feel about his parameters around your interactions? How do you feel about dating him yet circular dating as well. For me, that would feel best because I could give us a chance to work out and at the same time, I would feel less dependent on any particular outcome happening because I would know I have options. How does that feel to you? Do you feel like there is any hope or do you feel like this is a deal breaker and you have to end things?

  226.  #227laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 5:51 pm

    Whoops. I missed your last post Lola. I can imagine that felt terrible to hear him say your son is broken. Is this a normal thing for him to say or was it just something that slipped out in a moment of anger. If this is normal behavior for him, I couldn’t live with that. But we all say some crazy stuff when we are triggered. Hopefully not, but it does happen.

    I feel happy to be here to talk about this with you. It always feels good to me to get support and I feel happy to be able to offer it back.

  227.  #228Lisa on December 29, 2009 at 5:59 pm

    Thank you, Rori.


    Thank you for your current view on narcissism:

    “My point of VIEWING this issue now is:
    “I am recovering from emotionally abandoning myself.”

    the narcissistic abuse was just part the fallout from emotionally abandoning myself.”

    That rings very true for me. It is not about blame, for he is what he is; that is not to change, so the good Dr. Vaknin assures us. Focusing on it would be a never-ending bumper car ride. Worse, a total waste of my time.

    I abandoned myself. My values, hopes and dreams went by the wayside. I can feel better when I reclaim myself from the baggage check.

    Wow — it is stunning to think how I focused on him for YEARS with friends and in my journal. Everyone indulged me in how he done me wrong, but it was never about him. Sure, I was getting batted about, but that’s only ’cause I moored my boat in very rough waters.

    I am now trying to visualize and manifest warm and tropical currents, a place where I can raise my lovely Egyptian cotton sails and have them swell with gentle breezes.

    …painting myself with love.

  228.  #229laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 6:01 pm

    Also, holidays can make people crazy. It feels like there us this false pressure on these days. A lot of us lose it under that pressure.

    If this is his regular behavior, it would be inexcusable but if it’s a rare occurance, I could maybe forgive.

  229.  #230Lola on December 29, 2009 at 6:07 pm

    laughing goddess
    Yes, our posts crossed a bit there!

    He doesn’t say that sort of thing regularly, but he has a couple of times said something of a similar style! He has a very difficult relationship with his own daughter (25) hardly sees her and he feels she has let herself down and not lived up to her potential (her life has been pretty chaotic).

    He has many times walked out on me. It is often at a time when I am without my children (sacrilege!) also often after us spending a blissful time together (as if he wants to smash it up!). With the tools I have mastered so far, I had for a while turned that around, and made it clear that walking out on me at these times (whilst OK for a few hours to cool off) felt really horrible and something I couldn’t continue with.

    I have considered circular dating recently and I understand the concept of it but like many women on here feel reticent. I get very little child free time as I also have a younger daughter, so I might find it a challenge time wise. I will give it some thought though as I don’t feel I will be able to give all of me to a man who, no matter what his reasons isn’t totally available to me.

  230.  #231laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 6:08 pm

    Lisa: Your perspective feels good to me. I was also touched by Janjune’s explanation of emotional abandonment. It feels so good to know that it’s not about the dude, it’s about me. What I did to myself and how I can fix it. If I’m not willing to be there for myself, how can I expect anyone else to be? I love your imagery of the tropical ocean and the sail blowing in the breeze. it feels so peaceful and warm.

  231.  #232Flipper on December 29, 2009 at 6:08 pm

    Lola, being a mother (but also as a child, an experience we’ve All had) it just feels so unfair to me to hear those remarks and feel that attitude vis-à-vis your son. Being a parent is non-negotiable no matter what happens or how hard it is at times – can’t divorce, walk away, not even take a time-out, till the kids are independant adults (and even then….). Making judgments about a kid’s ‘brokenness’ is just proof of extreme ignorance, but the hurt is no less hurtful for its incompetence. Any man who’d pressure to choose him over one’s own child is not even serving his own cause – obviously that would harm the mother and the child, but he’d never feel safe with a woman who’d do that to her own kid.

    Hugs, Lola, while you’re going through the storm. My only suggestion is to sink into your rage and despair right now, roll around on the floor with it and the fading whiffs of the Baileys, and leave your reflecting and communicating till later. I bet allowing all that anger to flow freely now will start strengthening those boundaries and underpinning your feeling messages when you need them tomorrow. I hear a lot more truth in what you say about yourself, and maybe some unnecessary ‘understanding’ about your man’s position – let him defend it himself and keep your wits on Your Feelings. xxoo

  232.  #233Erika Awakening on December 29, 2009 at 6:15 pm


    I don’t know if it’s apparent from the brief explanation I gave, but my approach interrupts the intricate stories that we tell ourselves and tend to get stuck in.

    When all the stories are cleared away, there is this tremendous clarity: I choose permanent, devoted love I can count on. I’m not interested in any drama interfering in that.

    But to get there, we need to interrupt the stories and get space between ourselves and our “feeling true” beliefs. They are not true, but as long as we go round and round in the stories, they will feel true and continue to be self-fulfilling prophecies.

    That’s when, for me, the confrontation with a man comes in. Instead of it being a story, it’s fact fact fact fact fact (you said x, y, and z, and then you did x, y, and z). This did not meet my needs for (insert needs here, such as trust, honesty, ability to make good choices for myself, etc.). If what happened here is allowed to continue, this is not the kind of world anyone would choose to live in, so I am unwilling to accept this ever again.

    It has a whole different feel to it from the typical storytelling, mostly because of the clarity.

    There is no clarity when people are living within a chaotic belief system.

    I’m thinking out loud here. Curious whether any of this resonates with you.

  233.  #234alias girl on December 29, 2009 at 6:17 pm

    lisa that was so beautiful. thank you. 🙂 i feel light and airy! I feel uplifted and understood. aw i feel touched and teary. interesting. the deeper i get into what i am feeling the more delicious it gets.

  234.  #235laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 6:23 pm

    Lola: I’m happy to hear that isn’t his regular behavior. I feel glad to know that you are normally treated better than that. I feel awful when people walk out on me. I feel excited that you were able to turn it around for a bit tho’. I know them leaving really sucks but I can see how sometimes men feel like they have to so they don’t explode. It must be really frustrating that it seems to happen after blissful moments and when your kids are away. It sounds like he can only handle so much emotionally intimacy, both good and bad. I am one of those people that sometimes has to get away from a situation to gain perspective on it. Sometimes I just have to be alone to process my feelings. Even if I am having a great time, I often have to go off by myself for a bit. Sometimes the people around me take it personal but it’s not. It’s just the way I am wired. I understand if you want something different in your relationship. This might be helping you to realize that you want to be with someone who doesn’t need to be alone after being stimulated emotionally. But maybe, if you understand that it’s not personal you might feel able to let him do his thing, trust that he will work through it, and enjoy your rare opportunity have time to do things just for you. It really sounds to me that he is saying this isn’t personal but that he can’t handle the emotional intensity. He may or may not get better at it over time. How do you feel about all this?

  235.  #236DocK on December 29, 2009 at 6:28 pm

    Feelin perplexed. Tinque has known Rori longer than almost anyone on this blog. She has used & applied her programs & is also one of the few people here with a long term loving relationship. Speaking only for myself, I have felt compassion & care in her comments & a beautiful feminine rendering in her advice. A blog represents so many different voices. Not everyone will resonate with each person. So I suppose that’s what all this “trigger” stuff is about. Again just for me, I don’t feel like getting into that here too much. Maybe had more than my share of that coming from rough area in dee-troit. It isn’t that I am intentionally trying to ignore anyone. Its that if I feel myself wanting to get too much into masculine voice (which is very easy for me to do) I TRY to honor Roris wish to let her be the boy & go there & just shut up.

  236.  #237Flipper on December 29, 2009 at 6:33 pm

    Erika, it does resonate – as much with my mind as my heart. The stories part isn’t entirely new to me, though for myself, I feel as if I’ve kept the beliefs even while eliminating the story. What you prone seems more like an ideal, a further milestone on our path, but I may have to flounder around in my baby steps and missteps before I can really walk the walk to that point. I admire your courage, your raw young energy, the depth of your reflection and action in line with that, I feel that after a some mellowing it will be easier to absorb. I don’t feel clear with myself yet, so my clarity isn’t ready to share.

  237.  #238Lisa on December 29, 2009 at 6:33 pm

    Thank you LG and AG. [Sometimes I bring my ownself to tears writing here and feeling the depth of my feelings :)]

    AG: And I’m not saying he’s no bad dude, because he very much disrespected me. But the thing is, if I had right self-respect, I would have been outta there a whole lot sooner.

    So it comes down to feeling what we feel and not negating that or rationalizing that. If it’s bad, it’s bad. Best we can do is voice it and get on with the circular dating in all areas (not just with men.) Have a love affair with life. I’m not saying it’s all skittles and beer, but like Auntie Mame said, life’s a banquet. and most poor suckers are starving.

    Or as India aria sang:

    “There ain’t no substitute for the truth
    either it is or isn’t”

  238.  #239Lola on December 29, 2009 at 6:34 pm


    Thank you for your hugs and wisdom
    I agree that a woman putting aside her child for a man would be a turn off for him although he may be angling for that, no respect would come from it.
    I feel the anger and indignation surging through. I would love to blot all this out. But you are right I need to feel it.
    It feels like my guts are being ripped out. I am realistic about my son (as with all teenage boys he has his moments, his behaviour patterns which leave a lot of room for improvement) but broken? I feel sad that I have dragged my children into this again.

  239.  #240Lisa on December 29, 2009 at 6:40 pm


    I like this, too:

    “There is no clarity when people are living within a chaotic belief system”

    BTB: I’m starting my own collection of cut-and-pasted things from these posts. I believe reveiweing them will be quite helpful

  240.  #241janjune on December 29, 2009 at 6:46 pm

    no LG, the reference to sex wasn’t about anyone…

    i felt kindness when i read your comments to/about me and the others too.

  241.  #242Flipper on December 29, 2009 at 6:49 pm

    Goodnight, my lovelies. There is indeed something in the air – the Full Moon is Thursday, and it’s a Blue Moon (as “in once in a …..”) because it’s the second moonrise in the same month, not because it’s blue colored). There’s usually a lot more agitation at full moons, though I’m feeling more peace and calm on Siren Island now.

  242.  #243Lola on December 29, 2009 at 6:49 pm

    laughing goddess

    I hear what you are saying about needing time after emotional intense situations good or bad. I have felt this myself for both reasons. I feel I could deal with him needing to retreat sometimes. He has said in the past that he needs time to process things. I feel it is so he doesn’t say more of the things like he said about my son!

    I feel that he has said ‘never’ to being in the vicinity of my son ever again is the deal breaker here, because to me it says ‘no future’.

    I don’t need to be living with him right now – I have a lot of things to sort out with my children and my home. but I wanted to share things like New Year, birthdays etc with him but this rules out all those social occasions and of course marriage – which I want (or had wanted cos now i don’t know).

  243.  #244Lisa on December 29, 2009 at 6:50 pm


    Reviewing. Ahem.

  244.  #245janjune on December 29, 2009 at 6:51 pm

    yes, paint on lisa… i am too…

  245.  #246Jennifer on December 29, 2009 at 6:57 pm

    I feel the blue moon all over this blog tonight as well. I find that the “stuff” really gets stirred up during a blue moon. And I feel like that’s GREAT!
    As for me having weaknesses. I guess it’s a point of view thing. I wasn’t offended when Tinique said that. But I also don’t always feel like being with B for 6 years was weakness. Don’t get me wrong, now. Sometimes if I’m at the bottom of the roller coaster I feel like “geeze were you ever a wuss to take him back after he did so and so” but I also recognize that my ability to forgive and love through pain is one of my greatest assets. I am an almost eternal hopeful. Is that a weakness? Mayhap. Mayhap not. Depends on the situation and the point of view.
    Would I give it up? No. Does it sometimes cause me pain. Yes.
    What I’m working on now for myself is to not let my anger at the unfairness I perceive I have been subjected to cloud my life and swallow me up. And making sure that while being hopefull I don’t allow words to take on more weight than actions.
    I do love being triggered here. I love that a group of women exist who can “give me the straight goods” as they see it while coming from a place that feels very loving and supportive.
    And I can’t wait to see what the rest of the blue moon brings.

  246.  #247laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 7:10 pm

    Janjune: I feel happy that you understand my perspective and didn’t get triggered back. I found it funny how defensive I got and that I felt the need to explain myself in regard to the sex comment. As I was feeling defensive, I was also able to see the ridiculousness of taking something personal when I really had no idea if it was directed towards me. It felt good to have that awareness of my reaction. I feel really happy that I was able to see that. I also feel happy that because I saw what I was doing, I was able to communicate in a kind way rather than lash out as I have done when I felt criticized in the past. That feels really really good. Using feeling messages has helped me to gain that type of awareness about myself.

  247.  #248gina on December 29, 2009 at 7:14 pm

    I wish I was a guy….I’d be leaning forward right now…

  248.  #249Erika Awakening on December 29, 2009 at 7:15 pm

    Thank you, Lisa.

    Thank you, Flipper. I actually hear a lot of clarity in your words.

    We can do a lot of riffing about how awful our situations feel with men without having a clear picture of what we are really asking for from them. Part of us wants them to do one thing, and part of us wants them to do another — part of us wants commitment, another part is scared — part of us wants more time with them, part of us feels guilty about requesting that — so with all those mixed messages, how are they supposed to please us?

    It’s like calling up the Genie and giving him a muddled mess as a wish list. What can he give us back, other than a muddled mess?

    In my experience, I’m way more likely to receive what I want if I commit myself to internal clarity about what I do and don’t want and then express myself clearly and directly to men.

  249.  #250laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 7:19 pm

    Ha ha Gina! I agree! Sometimes I feel so fun leaning forward. It’s just my personality. I’m a take charge kind of girl. But I so want to be able to trust, and lean back. I would love to be able to lean back and let things come to me.

  250.  #251laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 7:49 pm

    I understand your worry about “never” being able to celebrate special days together. That would be a dealbreaker for me too. Does it feel real or like words just spoken in anger. Does it feel like you guys could come up with a solution that would feel good for everyone involved?

  251.  #252janjune on December 29, 2009 at 7:53 pm

    no LG it didn’t trigger me that you got triggered.
    it sounds like the triggering was valuable.

    your words:
    “It felt good to have that awareness of my reaction. I feel really happy that I was able to see that. I also feel happy that because I saw what I was doing,”

    i feel yes!

  252.  #253laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 7:54 pm

    Erika: I’m with you on your thoughts about conflicting beliefs. I feel certain they are at the root of the problems I create for myself. Well maybe they aren’t problems, just opportunities for growth.

  253.  #254Lola on December 29, 2009 at 8:03 pm

    laughing goddess

    Well, it feels like he means what he says. But he said that before and 6 months later he came back into the family fold!
    I feel right now he is offering exactly what he says. I explained I felt that i understood wanting to retreat but ‘never’ felt unacceptable and he said that’s how it is, that he gave my son a second chance and look what happened. He seems adamant.

    I know i will have to tell him this is a deal breaker. He may try to come when just my daughter is around (my son is half the week at his dad’s as we have joint custody) My daughter is with me 6/7 nights a week. That was how it was for a while before but felt like a bad message for my daughter – having a man staying but not committed to me. It feels like I’m saying ‘this is good enough’ a man can come and go. My children have had their father go through 2 serious relationships in last 5 years and their heads must be spinning! I think because I put down boundaries about that (staying when my daughter was around) by taking the relationship back to dating, he started stepping up again.

  254.  #255laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 8:05 pm

    Thinking about those questions from Rori that Mary and Daria were discussing and I have to say I feel really alive around J. I just feel good. Feel excited for life. I dunno if this is a good thing that I feel more positive and alive around him but it sure does feel good.

  255.  #256janjune on December 29, 2009 at 8:12 pm

    my known triggers, dec., 2009:

    “Hey self, i’m triggered, what the hell is it that’s happening that is a BIG *i. don’t. want.*?”
    “Hey self, i’m triggered, what important thing do i feel is being taken from me?”
    “Hey self, i’m triggered, what personal choice/decision am i being *called out on* to defend?”
    “Hey self, what is going on that *feel*s like i have to accept something on my psyche in order to survive or get what i need?”
    “Hey self, what is going on that is stirring the feeling that privilege/ entitlement/ better than/ more than/ more value is involved in the interaction?”

  256.  #257Daria on December 29, 2009 at 8:40 pm


    I felt triggered when I read Janjune’s comment about sex, and also about the wise voices squashing (my word hers i forget?) others.

    I feel so afraid that i’m BAD. because i catch myself judging ALL THE TIME! yes even all of you! I feel like im the condescending crusher, and i want people to go by the rules, but also i dont like rules. ack!!

    i feel triggered to some kinda trauma coming here in the third grade and all of a sudden i got labeled “Bossy” by teachers.

    I felt shocked! I felt bad. I felt not understood.! awww

    i hug myself

    later thinking about that i take it as a badge of honor and dismiss all those “stupid american people” ! who didnt understand me! that judged me! ahhh i feel angry . and i feel separated and judgemental.

    crap. I feel tired of judging judging judging people. and i feel afraid to stop. I love my identity as the underdog, as the opressed person that fights for whats right.

    I feel hopeless!!!

    I want to heal this! Thank you!

    now that I adressed that,

    this guy that i leaned forward too waaaaay long ago as an experiment, and wrote to him after he friended me and i wrote something like i feel attracted to you under his picture

    so hes a localy known musician. him and his brother.

    anyway he wrote me and called me but he wanted me to be his prostitute! lol! HA. hes very young.

    so i switched up the game on him and said

    “ohh i get where youre coming from…i dont want to waste YOUR time, im not gonna think about it,” so basically holla!

    he was like huh what? cuz the i dont want to waste YOUR time line got him. hes liek but wait…wait… ah eh um call me back if you change yoru mind….

    loool. i felt amused

    but i ahve now and then thought about him since hes picture or songs come up online etc

    even one of his friends (independently) contacted me and even came to see me awhile ago

    sooo all of a sudden i have a message from him! yay i feel happy. he wants my number. now its not me REACHING OUT TO HIM. but him to me lol i feel much better leveraged.

    now i was feeling great but while writing this my NV’s jumped in and started riding me like a pony as rhianna says. theyre like wait youre sharing all this it sounds horrific and besides hes obviously immature, with the bullshit, and is probably going to just say some similar bullshit when he calls u.


    i love you !

    and i love writing what you say to me here for healing.

    thank you thank you thank you!

    i choose to feel delighted, triumphant, Goddess like, full of myself, adored and wanted, i choose to believe like rori says that i will walk into joy and it will simply be joy, i choose to believe that he has wonderful energy to give to me yay. i choose to enjoy that a man i thought was attractive contacted me – thas wassup!!!

    yi p yip yip yuip~!!!

    o so i asxed myself about sex boy? man? toy? human? alien? stick? coffee deliciousness? lol jk…

    anyway i asked myslef, well i know you’re thinking about having sex with him “for now” until you are more able to attract who you want.

    but what would you do/think/feel if you were already a Goddess and having all that you want?

    and the answer was, well i wouldnt have sex with him cuz its not feeling 100% good right now.

    thank u

    thats wasup!

    meaning I AM a Goddess right now. and i will do what i want. yipeaiay.

    shake that money maker

    wooo hooo

    i still feel afraid that i have just “ruined” the upcoming interaction with former pimp boy man because now i have introduced doubt and unclarity while before i was feeling good and

    i was feleing a lot of i told u so. or like… ohhh now you want to call me huh you remember what you said last time?

    hmm he might not remember

    doesnt matter, hes contacting me. and i find him attractive

    i feel excited and teary eyed thinking how much i will enjoy showing off all around town passanger seat riding in his car!

    everyone will be like oh shit its D and D! hahaha!

    ima hood superstar lool

    im really really really in love wiht myself

    super big head super swag

    before nicky minaj somewhere like lil wayne

    i live on planet Daria where people wake up and write me fan mail adore me and are awed by my every move

    and i feeel scared and i feel GOOODDD.


    and i feel UNLONELY

  257.  #258Daria on December 29, 2009 at 8:47 pm

    I feel angry at guywhohadababy for looking at me critically as a lil under him and not 100% adoring me like a loyal planet daria fan.

    he did at first but then it changed, but i feel glad to be able to look at all the ways i didnt adore myself! gosh iwas missing out on so much love for myself.

    i kept trying to show off in front of him so i could show him just how cool i was. but i thought he was cooler

    duh that doesnt feel good

    i choose to feel GOOD. I feel afraid, and i love my fear, and i choose to feel good, adored, and unlonely to the fullest.

    like night time air wooshing into my face and sparkling in my eyes that catch the light from the stars, and i abandon my worries like twinging the rainbow harp of my body strings and it all flies off behind me and my body SINGS and i feel exhilaration, my favorite feeling in the whole world (so far) and yum yum yum

    more more more

    more yummy feelings like e]xhilaration to the next level!!!!

    like saphires but Also emearalds rubies and magical stones

    klike avatar world running thru my blood bones and heart thru each strand of my hair mmmmmm

  258.  #259janjune on December 29, 2009 at 9:18 pm

    it feels extremey good to have my known triggers, at this time, written down.

    I own them. I feel owning of them.
    they are mine.
    they belong to me.
    they protect me.

    i love my triggers.

    being triggered feels the same as being with a narcissist.

    not listening to these triggers is what landed me with a narcissist.
    i had to quit listening to them to abandon myself emotionally.

    i want them back and want to listen to them everytime they come up.
    i want to be moved to action by these triggers
    to take care of myself
    and BE.

  259.  #260Daria on December 29, 2009 at 9:40 pm

    ohhh i feel triggered. i feel guilty and afraid that writing out my nv stuff will super trigger and enrage others and push them away. especially stuff that is overall judgements of other people

    i want healing of this, and those judgements. thank you

  260.  #261Robin on December 29, 2009 at 9:47 pm

    Thank you SO much for the prayers and kind words! Daria, Lisa, Janjune, Mary, Flipper! Thank you So much!

    It felt so comforting reading your words, they felt so lovely!

    Im working on some things I can say, really authentic words, that I can first write in a letter. That may be all I need to do.

    Erika, what you are saying is really resonating with me. Could you elaborate on what you did specifically to become more aware of your belief systems, and to actually break out of negative patterns?

    The guy from Sunday sent the pics to me, and a lot of them turned out really nice. He’s been calling me, once a day, and sending emails, asking about my back, commenting on the pictures, etc.

    We talked today, he mentioned the kiss, and said he hoped I didnt think he was too forward, I told him it felt good to spend Sunday with him, but that I didnt feel ready for the kiss. He also wanted to set up a time to go through the pics again, and I felt speechless, even though inside I KNEW I didnt feel comfortable agreeing to drive to his house to meet and go through the pics. I just couldnt get the words out of my mouth.

    It was BACK TO BEING WITH THE EX for my body…my body thought it was back at my ex’s house 2 yrs ago and it didnt know what to do..I didnt know what to do.

    I finally managed to say ‘Im sure I feel comfortable driving that far…since I live so far..” He said well we can maybe schedule it for a Sunday, when you’re already here, that might be more convenient for you.”

    So its speech-writing time! B/c the truth is I dont givadam if I live 3 minutes from his house, I aint driving! We can meet somewhere, like a coffee house, or a park…not sure how to bring that up w/o suggesting….maybe “the truth is, i would feel more comfortable meeting somewhere other than your house. Do you have any other ideas?”

    He wrote a very interesting email to me after our talk, and I wanted to share it, not really sure what to make of it..the fam is up in ams about the photos and the guy.

    “To explain myself better, I like having an emotional link with you. It was emotionally comforting to kiss you and press your body close. I am so glad we had that moment between us and I did not have other motives at that time. I was by no means disappointed.
    I always like to make life long friends with compassionate bonds. As you say “it feels good”
    and felt good and I get a bit excited when I think about our time together. Not just the wonderful kissing but learning about your arts and your tastes and your music.
    You have somehow contributed to my existence! I somehow feel I can capture who you are better
    with the bond we now have.
    Your Admirer”

    He really reminds me of the guy from my dream, with the ex and the other guy Im seeing and the umbrellas. He looks almost identical to the guy who I thought was the new guy in that dream…


  261.  #262laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 9:47 pm

    Daria and Janjune: I feel happy to be witnessing your processes of working through your feelings. Thanks for sharing your goddessy selves.

  262.  #263Robin on December 29, 2009 at 9:48 pm

    lol, sorry meant
    * Im not sure I feel comfortable driving that far…since I live so far..”

  263.  #264laughing goddess on December 29, 2009 at 9:53 pm

    Wow Robin! I feel curious and intrigued with this new guy. I feel awed by his email. I feel good about it. How do you feel?

  264.  #265Robin on December 29, 2009 at 10:03 pm

    I feel flattered, and I really dunno. I want to lean back and see just what he can deliver, I want to see if he is able to meet my needs.

    And I want to see what message he has for me, I feel glad that I am pulling guys in, b/c it feels weird not hearing from the other guy that is my favorite…

    And I also feel a little turned-off by his looks and if that sounds conceited, Im sorry, but thats how I feel. Thats actually what reminds me of the dream with the umbrellas

    And I feel slightly scared, having him, my ex, and the other guy Im seeing at church all at the same time, they all happen to go to the service that I sing.

    I guess its time to really rock the Rock Star status!

  265.  #266Daria on December 29, 2009 at 10:03 pm

    I feel triggered and untrusting about the email!

  266.  #267Daria on December 29, 2009 at 10:07 pm

    from today’s eletter

    “My Modern Siren program is designed to get you
    straight to a man’s heart – completely bypassing
    his brain, his ideas about things like “type” and
    even if you have nothing at all in common. Being
    a Siren is all about drawing a man in – from
    WHEREVER he is right now, using the power of your
    real emotions.

    I want this. I choose to have it, and believe i can have it.

    Thank you nv’s!!!!!!!!!!

    love you

    I choose to have it anyways!

  267.  #268Robin on December 29, 2009 at 10:10 pm

    The email felt great to read. I felt more confident , and it just felt really nice to read his words.

    I also felt a little less stressed about being at his house, the nasty voice trying to persuade me into beating myself up got quite, and I felt like maybe it really didnt matter that I went over there (even though it felt weird, I knew I was not erring on the side of caution, that it could have ended horribly, and I kinda felt like a slut-all of these things I told myself were ok, and I wasnt beating myself up or stressing about making a mistake, but after reading his email, I actually FELT more calm about it all).

    I also felt a little tiny twinge of sadness after he told me he’d be out of town for a few days. Hmm…

  268.  #269Robin on December 29, 2009 at 10:15 pm

    Daria, Im not sure…I could feel a quiteness and gentleness about him when I was with him….

    I need to feel his energy again in person and really zone in on what Im feeling in his presences.

    I trust myself to notice any red flags

  269.  #270Daria on December 29, 2009 at 10:15 pm

    omgosh! i just did the poem tool from the e-letter

    and i got that

    i want sex and i feel unwanted and unromanced by men that are not showing up in their car to rub my arms and stuff



  270.  #271Daria on December 29, 2009 at 10:19 pm

    Robin okie dokie… i just hear the word emotional and i felt afraid.

    i had an imaginary image pop up of a man realizing ok this woman is really into feelings so im gonna tlak aobut feeling emotionally close and not wanting mroe (though when he said that i thought well he just mentioned it so it just crossed his mind then) and i also felt ick. i felt kinda gross

    i felt untrusting and then i heard about how that makes him see u better and i thought ok artist wise, good come around, but maybe also easy detachment there

    thats what got triggered for me

    i love my trigger.

    i dont wnat what i felt triggered about to be imposed on you at all. by all means that was MY trigger.

  271.  #272Daria on December 29, 2009 at 10:19 pm

    i trust you to notice red flags for u too!!

  272.  #273Daria on December 29, 2009 at 10:22 pm

    ok i feel like reading it if it was to me like wow this man is really into me and choosing his words and feels a lil bit like insecurity and not quite Directness. i feel grossed out too about the pressing body close, etc
    as if i didnt feel attracted to him and i felt icky. im working a lot of stuff out with YOUR email hehe.

    not tryna say this is your situation. this is what im getting triggered by. im imaginging an imaginary man with me

  273.  #274Daria on December 29, 2009 at 10:24 pm

    to me it didnt trigger image of sexy, confident, bold man

    it triggered big, kina oily guy who wanted to amrry me but then didnt show up for second date guy

  274.  #275Daria on December 29, 2009 at 10:24 pm

    i feel guilty using your letter! i dont want to spoil it for u… grrr
    i love my guilt

  275.  #276mary on December 29, 2009 at 10:49 pm

    what is an nv?

    and how do you get the newsletters (emails?) i keep thinking I’ve signed up for them, and they never come…

  276.  #277Daria on December 29, 2009 at 11:06 pm

    an NV is a Nasty Voice, a voice in my head that beats me up or tells me i cant do something i want, i wont have what i want, etc

    the thing with nv’s is to know they are lying, and hug them, embrace them, tell them thank you and to go make me a sandwich instead, and stuff like that

  277.  #278Daria on December 29, 2009 at 11:07 pm

  278.  #279mary on December 29, 2009 at 11:21 pm

    mmmmmm: i want a sandwich!

    thanks, daria!

  279.  #280Daria on December 29, 2009 at 11:31 pm

    ok so now as so many other nites i have the repetitive feeling that i wish i was out

    even more, i wish a carful of guys that are my friends was making their way here, calling and insisting that i come out with them (the way i have seen them – or maybe imagined them- doing with other guys or with guywhohadababy) and then i exictedly drive off with them, we go party and have a great bonding time, we all go somewhere else and sleep overnite, and someone drives me home in the morning

    sooo i always get this feeling and i feel disappointed im not doing what i want to be doing

    or maybe we could be like 2 or 3 limos, and hanging out tthe windows..;.

    or dancing at a club

    etc etc

    mostly all of those things

    so i was jsut trying to see what i like aobut what im doing now instead, and i like that i can relax, and read and write what i want

    and i realized i didnt write this down

    I want this to be healed!!!!

    i feel afraid and a lil sad and a lil teary with freshness

    i love my feelings

  280.  #281Daria on December 29, 2009 at 11:33 pm

    Angels please help i feel scared! thank you!!!

  281.  #282Daria on December 29, 2009 at 11:34 pm

    new FEELING for me

    from Janette Maw’s vibration blog:

    I feel Entertained


  282.  #283Daria on December 29, 2009 at 11:36 pm

    janette maw:

    7) Everything is better with a good night’s sleep. Self care in general is vital to a fulfilling life and 2009 taught me that making myself the highest priority will not cost me every other good thing in my life. Good to know.

  283.  #284Daria on December 30, 2009 at 12:10 am

    l would liek another fun feeling place to live. i like living at home and i would like An Additional place to live that feels fun for me. thank you.

  284.  #285Daria on December 30, 2009 at 12:10 am

    I would like a car that feels comfortable and healthy and energizingly smoothe

  285.  #286Daria on December 30, 2009 at 1:11 am

    Thank you for the abundance of men!

  286.  #287mary on December 30, 2009 at 1:48 am


    i love this – “so i was jsut trying to see what i like aobut what im doing now instead, and i like that i can relax, and read and write what i want”

    that’s pretty cool.

  287.  #288mary on December 30, 2009 at 1:52 am

    Last night I went out with R and some friends. I had been out with the friends recently, and they picked up the tab for the wine, so I told them that next time the wine was on me. I told that to R, but I didn’t have cash to give him, and he gladly paid for the wine and for my dinner, too. The wine was $70. Today I told him I’m gonna pay him back (since it was an agreement between me and my friends that had nothing to do with him,) and he said he was so glad to do it!

    But just now we were talking, and he said he hated going out to eat so much. We’re scheduled to go tomorrow with an out-of-town guest who’s here for the holidays. She really wanted to go to this one restaurant, so I’m just trying to accommodate her. R said, “why do we ALWAYS have to go out? It’s getting to be ridiculous.” I felt humiliated. Of course I can cook, but I don’t offer very much. I told him it’s fun to cook together, but I get the idea that he wants to sit around and watch me cook. I don’t feel so glad about that.

  288.  #289mary on December 30, 2009 at 1:54 am

    although cooking is fun, and he’s the kind of guy who will eat ANYthing (I love that!) and be really appreciative.

  289.  #290mary on December 30, 2009 at 1:56 am

    Here’s what I don’t get about R:

    I’ve given him my speech – how many times? and he’s still operating as though we’re boyfriend / girlfriend. I know that ALL I have to do is just start going out, and I don’t need his permission to do so, but somehow I don’t feel like it’s clear that that’s what I’m going to do. I have stated it on different occasions, but he acts like he doesn’t hear it.

    I’m wondering if I should just do the speech one more time.

    And if I read this, I’d say, “No. Just go do it!”

    But I’d hate to see that hurt and disappointed look on his face. I do care about him so much! I care about HIS feelings AND MY feelings.

  290.  #291Daria on December 30, 2009 at 3:07 am

    I have (gladly) come to feel not responsible for sex man’s feelings. i know he would want me to come over and have sex (duh). and that he might feel mad or hurt or rejected or confused that I don’t want to.

    i am a Goddess whos responsible for me, and making sure i am following all of my feelings and taking care of myself well. taking care of myself well is basically my temple duty. its my gift to the world.

    besides all that i feel so glad that at this moment i feel strong and something like detached, but not detached, i feel gracefully strong and able to stand for myself. in that

    for wahtever reason this is not feeling 100% good to me. I trust that him as a man. I’ve been practicing tonite responding to men as if they were the divine masculine, the one that knows me. so i trust them with all my feelings. and what i feel is not 100% good. I feel clear and strong and beautiful, like a single rose.

    I feel so honoring that I am not afraid of my man’s feelings. That i am able to share clearly what i feel. i feel like im gifting rose perfume around me, like pink clouds of beauty as i step, slowly , head held high, hair flowing.

    I feel so clear now, seeing him as a man, the honor that is in him.

    it feels bad!! right now to think what he might think!

    i dont want to feel bad i move my thoughts

    hes calling

  291.  #292Daria on December 30, 2009 at 3:17 am

    short convo.

    I did something wonderful for myself earlier.

    i was in the bathroom feeling tired, and a voice in my head was really insistently asking me to NOT brush my skin. that i am tired, too tired and to just take a shower, just this once, and brush my skin in the morning

    so i stopped and i asked whta it was about. how would i feel not brushing>? ok. how would i feel brushing…? i would feel glad i did. I may have done the poem tool from today. i love that tool i did it many times tonite with wonderfulness

    so i found out, that the voice believed i was not worthy of being healthy, because i had not done the things i was supposed to do for my health. and i cannot be healthy because i had not done the things i was supposed to do for my health the past few days (ie brush my skin and shower).

    so i did my quick lefkoe as a creatrix, going back to times i imagine these beliefs starting, acknowledging that this was A truth, not The truth, and finding an alternative interpretation of those events – which werent very clear but i got the feel of them – so then with my new interpretation, that i CAN be healthy and deserve to be healthy without Doing anythying, and that the people who told me otherwise had those beliefs but didnt mean they were true, did i still FEEL that i didnt deserve to be health and that i wouldnt be healthy because i didnt do certain things for my health> ? no. and if i didnt feel it then, would i feel it now? no of course not.

    and i felt it lift off of me my body .

    then i felt free, effortless to brush my skin. and now i feel good.

    i love my new magic powers. i finally got them

    i love being a creatrix.

  292.  #293Daria on December 30, 2009 at 3:30 am

    there is so much to learn and explore!

    today i told a friend of mine online, that i dont feel attracted by him. that i like his jokes and it feels fun, but when its directed at me i feel put down and bad.

    and i did.

    and he said wow. i really affect you that much.?

    and i said…well not always… i feel vulnerable now. i feel afraid and want to run away now so i dont get hit

    he said would it feel better if i give you a hug

    i said lol yes that Does feel better

    and it did

    i felt good!

    i felt loved

    it felt great to have my feelings heard!!

    another online guy liked my buryat woman hat and slippers. he was soo enthusiastic and suggested a pouch, that turned out to be a beautiful woven design. i said i felt Seen. avatar.

    an unknown man texted me. i think the musician former pimp man. he said whatsup. i said i feel weird. he said why whatsup. i said my friend said something that made me feel bad. he said waht was it …
    i said i dont want to text now, its cool to call me. he said he would .

    another man texted and talked and got my picture and liked it, but then he sid something, and said am i mad. and i felt weird because i wasnt mad. so i said i felt weird. he said my bad i was flirting. i said i felt confused and weird. cuz i did. my mind was screaming hes insecure and not attractive. but what i felt was weird and put off. which is what i wrote

    another man texted then called. his brother just had a seizure. i said wow. that feels like worry. is he ok. yes hes ok now.

    and then this man who i had called sex man just called. he said oh my bad are you sleep. i said no. getting ready to. he said how was wine tasting today. i said it felt good out there, the fresh air. he said yeah i dont have a lot of that here. i said yeah. he said well im gonna let you get to sleep. i said ok bye.

    i feel a lil mmm a lil glad a lil disappointed.

    im feeling good. i feel so chill. i love taking care of myself. i also took out all the trash in my room. my new york freind went home today. stuff feels good.

    i feel good. and calm.

    i did lefkoe in the shower on the belief that my body doesnt respond to what i want. i feel much relieved.

    i want a comfortable and magic making, health zooming sitting position to sit in.


  293.  #294Daria on December 30, 2009 at 3:32 am

    wow my relaxed night sounds pretty exciting. not a car of guy friends but an phone an computerfull of men. yah. i feel appreciative

    of my life.

  294.  #295Lola on December 30, 2009 at 3:50 am

    I have woken up after 4 hours sleep looking and feeling like rubbish.
    I want to give my man feeling messages/wants/don’t wants. But it goes some thing like: ‘I feel so much pain today that I want you to have some of it too.’ ‘I feel you wrecked my Christmas and New Year’ ‘I want a man who isn’t afraid of a boy and who can step up and act like a man’ and some stuff I couldn’t possible say here.
    I don’t think this is what Rori has in mind.
    I feel worse than I did last night.

  295.  #296Flipper on December 30, 2009 at 4:06 am

    I have the feeling that words often don’t mean that much to men (except when they trigger them to feel humiliated, attacked, untrusted – in which case, Anything might happen from withdrawal thru short circuiting to violence*). As if at the second hearing, they’re programmed to not register them if there was no Action to back them up.

    I feel bummed and twisting in my tummy and let down and vexation (at G, at the no-shows, at the Universe) – my pre-New Year’s party was cancelled tonight. That triggers fear there won’t be a New Year’s party either (one already fell thru) or there won’t be room for me at it, becuz NV’s say I don’t deserve it and nobody wants me there anyway. Boohoo. Thanx anyway NV’s, I’ve noticed you’re mostly wrong, so take something from the 13-desserts tray left over from Xmas and let me work on my outfit for tomorrow night. I feel like being fancy and glittery and wearing my red&gold brocade jacket.

    *unless they get feeling messages to defuse things or have worked on themselves already).

  296.  #297Daria on December 30, 2009 at 4:15 am

    Hey I found doing the poem tool( very impt to use words resonating in the body not head) why I dnt like to go to sleep early. Cuz I wil be left out!! When I was little I had to go to bed while my parents partied. Awe. I’m so cute. I love me.

    I want to heal this. Thank you!

  297.  #298Flipper on December 30, 2009 at 4:27 am

    Lola, so sorry about your bad night. But it feels good to see you start a speech. It’s okay to get it out any whichway on here. Then you can tweak it more easily, and others can help. Look back at earlier posts that give tips and the how-to’s – things like taking out the you-word as much as possible. (For example ‘‘I feel you wrecked my Christmas and New Year’ might become “I feel my Christmas and New Year were wrecked.”) This felt good ‘I want a man who isn’t afraid of a boy and who can step up and act like a man’. For practice’ sake, this could be said as a “don’t want”: ‘I don’t want a man who is afraid ….”, though for me your version felt fine. xxoo

  298.  #299Lola on December 30, 2009 at 4:48 am

    Thank you
    I will have a play around! I received an email from him today which was all about how he understood that what he can offer is maybe not enough for me. But his stance on my son doesn’t change. He ends it with:

    “I know what we have is special babe and it will always be special. I’d like to believe that given everything we’ve been through that we will find a way to deal with this and once we do that we ‘will’ see how we feel further down the line.”

    Am I just too tired and jaded to see this as positive? I felt that his email was matter of fact, factual, unemotional.

  299.  #300Jennifer on December 30, 2009 at 6:31 am

    Feeling a little like a failure today.
    I tried to make a big pan of yummy BBQ baked beans for a family pot luck but I messed em up.
    They suck. Worst beans. Ever.
    Triggers me to feel like a failure today. I feel like everything I touch goes south.
    I’m gonna have to take a veggie tray from the grocery store. I feel judgmental about me around that. We always take HOME MADE FOOD to potlucks. I have to work and don’t have time to make anything else.
    Veggie tray should be good enough, right? Maybe with a nice dip?
    This seems like a stupid thing to feel bad about.

  300.  #301Lisa on December 30, 2009 at 9:31 am

    JanJune says:

    “not listening to these triggers is what landed me with a narcissist. i had to quit listening to them to abandon myself emotionally.

    “i want them back and want to listen to them everytime they come up. i want to be moved to action by these triggers to take care of myself and BE.”

    Thank you. That is it exactly. Feeling triggers is good. I am not going to go off the handle or lose it; I can handle my angry and hurt responses. I will not disappear, and I will not be brutalized and I will not go insane if I feel triggered.

    I will be more in control when I can feel all of my feelings. Repression and denial is not sanity. They are modes of existence in an insane environment that requires shut-down.

    I reject insanity. Feeling all my feelings is sane.

    Krishnamurti said, “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”

    ErikaA said:

    There is no clarity when people are living within a chaotic belief system.

    Thank you.

  301.  #302Rori Raye on December 30, 2009 at 9:32 am

    Thank you Flipper, for help with Lola’s Feeling Messages – very helpful here…Love, Rori

  302.  #303Simply Shannon on December 30, 2009 at 9:59 am

    Haven’t been able to read all the posts (ya’ll are on fire here!) but wanted to post to Erika’s first couple of posts. Again, I haven’t read further posts than the first few so I may be restating.

    Erika: I do agree with parts of your statement. All too often we let people off the hook because that’s technically not our business. Maybe the world would be a different place if we were all held accountable for our promises.

    I have some random thoughts for you.

    Your credit card example assumes receipt of a defective product. This feels limiting to me. Another person’s time and presence isn’t defective. It’s a gift.

    None of us are guaranteed anything in life. If a man dies after he’s promised me forever, am I not okay with or without him? How do I heal that within myself when there’s no one to pay me back for my investment? No one to be held accountable?

    People change constantly. What I want today may not be what I want tomorrow. I am literally only promised this second. Maybe the real problem is that we accept promises for future investment instead of just saying thank you for spending this second with me.

    I absolutely agree that we should say how we feel (good/bad/whatever), but I wonder what accountability looks like when the other person truly does not care about me or the outcome. When is it okay to stop looking for resolution from another person if it just feels bad to do so? Why is it my job to hold someone else accountable? Isn’t missing out on time with me enough “payback”?

    So those are my random thoughts. I feel admiration for the path that you are on. Your posts intrigue me very much. I love how you are questioning things and digging deeper. My gut reaction to your posts about E was to feel judgmental and wonder what the heck happened to strong Erika. I still feel anger and hurt radiating off the posts when I read them but that’s me reading through my own rose colored glasses.

    I still feel resistance to the idea that I have to confront anyone else for my own healing or growth. It actually feels limiting to me to believe I need anyone else to feel “okay”, hence my agreement with the “with or without him” comment. I would love to get to the point where people flow in and out of my life and no matter how things “end” or “flow” I can look back at each person and say “Thank you for that time we spent together. I learned a lot about myself and about you. I feel grateful.”

    I’ll be back (ala The Terminator 🙂 )…

  303.  #304Erika Awakening on December 30, 2009 at 10:08 am

    Hey SS,

    Thanks for the comments. I’m going to sit with your post and maybe circle back with something deeper later.

    For now, I want to say again that a lot of what I hear you saying (such as “we only have this moment” etc.) is NOT what I hear people saying who are in the kind of permanent relationship that I am moving towards.

    They assume their partner will be there, day after day after day. And he is.

    From my perspective, this is because they have made a commitment to each other in this moment to be there for each other no matter what, permanently. It’s a completely different intention than “it’s okay if we only have this moment and you’re gone tomorrow.”

  304.  #305Lola on December 30, 2009 at 10:13 am

    I feel a bit better for a two hour sleep this afternoon – physically that is.
    I feel bad that I’m not interacting with other people’s posts and it feel like I am all me me me.
    When I rise out the depths a little I will get stuck in.
    My man has taken himself off to work, and sounds philosophical about everything, He feels fine with just having a a part time thing. It’s a logical conclusion to come to he says…
    How I wish I felt the same.

  305.  #306Erika Awakening on December 30, 2009 at 10:18 am

    “Erika, what you are saying is really resonating with me. Could you elaborate on what you did specifically to become more aware of your belief systems, and to actually break out of negative patterns?”

    Hey Robin,

    Thank you for the question. Yeah. It ties in to Rori’s feeling messages program and adds another angle to it.

    The premise of Gary Craig’s EFT is that every negative feeling is a result of a an energy disruption in the body. I took that another step further and began to identify what exactly are the causes of negative feelings. The main ones are judgments (of self and others), traumas that are still stored in the body, limiting beliefs, and inner conflicts. Traumas are slightly different than the others, most of them have to do with the beliefs that we are carrying around.

    So if I’m feeling bad, in general, I know I’ve got one of those going on. If I speak in feeling messages, I may gain greater awareness of what the issue is. But unless I clear out the underlying block in my belief system, I’m likely to keep getting the same bad feelings over and over again.

    An example of a limiting belief is: “I have to accept that I could invest deeply in a man, and he could walk out the door tomorrow.”

    I see way too many women accepting that as truth. And it does feel true if that has been our experience.

    But it’s not true. And the more we clear that belief out of our system, the less likely he is to walk out the door tomorrow.

  306.  #307Lola on December 30, 2009 at 10:35 am

    Oh my Gosh
    My son is back and we talked bout him being disrespectful/ignoring my man in the lift yesterday. He wasn’t in the lift with him! He said as the lift doors opened he said ‘hello N’ and N ignored him. He felt upset by this. He said he wouldn’t have wanted to ignore N seeing as though things had improved between them. That’s different story N said they were in the lift together.

  307.  #308Simply Shannon on December 30, 2009 at 10:35 am

    Still haven’t read anything else (Erika – I see that you posted something but haven’t digested it yet).

    A few more things popping in my head as I’m cleaning house…

    1) Is it possible to be grateful for some broken promises? I mean, in my case, I promised to be married to my ex husband but for me, even if we broke that promise, I feel grateful to no longer be in my marriage. It was painful at first but now I’m this completely different person. I’ve grown so much and learned so much that NOW I feel grateful for that broken promise.

    2) When does my happiness supercede someone else’s? I guess I’m asking why someone else owes me continued commitment to a promise if they are miserable keeping the promise?

    Okay, random thoughts. Going to continue cleaning and feed the little people running around my house…

  308.  #309Erika Awakening on December 30, 2009 at 10:41 am

    Yeah, of course it’s possible to feel grateful for anything and everything that has happened to us.

    And it’s also possible to say very clearly “that’s not what I want anymore. I’m setting a new intention.”

    I notice how incredibly stable nearly every aspect of my life is. And I notice that the intentions I have set in those area of my life are quite different than the notions I used to settle for in the relationship arena.

    I made commitments to a house, to my cats, to jobs. Doesn’t mean I won’t ever revise those commitments, but it would take a lot to change my mind about them. It wouldn’t be some traumatic change like I hear in many of the stories on here about men.

    It’s a very different intention, and I have now set an intention to bring that same level of stability into my love life. Because that’s what I really want, and I realize now that a lot of my “we only have this moment” was self-protective, and in a way defensive, because I didn’t believe it was possible to have what I really want.

  309.  #310Erika Awakening on December 30, 2009 at 11:02 am

    Ah, now there’s a feeling I can sink into:

    The feeling of knowing it would take a LOT for a man to change his mind about me. That I don’t have to hypervigilantly watch every word I say anymore because his love for me is as stable and committed as my love for my cats.

    Fritz doesn’t always get everything right, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to take him to the animal shelter.

    Isn’t it amazing how little we often ask of our relationships? Is it really too much to ask for stable, enduring love?

    That may be what we learned from our parents, but I don’t believe that anymore.

    I choose to have stable, enduring, dependable, rock solid relationships starting right now.

  310.  #311Lisa on December 30, 2009 at 11:33 am

    SimplyS asks:

    2) When does my happiness supercede someone else’s? I guess I’m asking why someone else owes me continued commitment to a promise if they are miserable keeping the promise?”

    I think your happiness always supersede’s that of another’s (for you), but that doesn’t mean we can hold anyone to anything. We should be clear with our intentions, and presumes we don’t have a psychopath on the other end who will reciprocate in kind (to the best of his ability.)

    As ErikaA says, if we envision stability, and expect/accept that as our bottom line, we will probably not have to deal so much with the erratic “in this moment only” sort of think. The other person will also be seeking peace and stability.

    Only some men and women seek the histrionic showman/show woman. A lot of people would like stability, and to make me happy. It’s just that I’ve sought out the “bad boys.”

    I think you

  311.  #312Simply Shannon on December 30, 2009 at 12:58 pm

    Trying to come back and comment as I go. I can’t keep up! Arghhhh!

    LG: I don’t have any more insights to the situation with Mr. Manly Man. He emailed me, and I emailed him back with a ton of feeling messages. We’ll see. Like Rori suggested, I’m going to use this situation as practice because I want to heal this within myself. When I sense anger, I feel small and defenseless. I cave to pressure and anger. It’s like I’ll do or say whatever to make it stop. I feel protective of myself in those moments and I’m learning to love this part of me that wants to keep me safe. This is just who I am. I feel at odds with the decision to invite this man into my life again because a part of me is saying “no” to having a somewhat volatile relationship. I had that once already with my ex. At the same time, I want to learn how to handle myself in these situations. I feel excited for you to have an epiphany about this guy. The pedestal reference made sense to me too. It’s like we’re holding a seat for the guy we want when a) they aren’t sure they want it and b) all these other guys would love to sit down but we can’t see them because we’re scanning the crowd waiting for that one particular man. I feel encouraged that you are keeping the door open to him regardless. I’m doing the same with Mr. MM. All in the name of healing! 😉

    Linda: I still feel super cautious about the cosign situation. I’m triggered just reading that you looked into it. If asked for money or a favor in the early stages of getting together with a man, I would feel very cynical about why he’s coming back. Is it truly for me or is it for the favor? I agree that if you not doing it is a deal breaker then you have your answer. It would feel better to me to hold off on cosigning until I felt certain the “change” was real and not a coverup to get the favor.

    Gina: Brava girl! I hear ya on having past beaus creep up in my head. I do the exact same thing. I feel amused when it happens now because I practice graying out their faces in my head and focus on the event, the feeling. It helps me to clarify what I want and what I don’t want.

    Janjune: I get what you’re saying but I learn and practice Rori’s tools in my own way. If I want to talk about my dates here, then that’s what I’m going to do. For me that’s real world learning. I’m sharing what is actually happening in my life and looking for feedback so that I can practice. And sometimes I throw on my boy hat and give my opinion. I guess I feel confused about what you’re really requesting or maybe some of the posts just feel frustrating to you? The world is FULL of people giving their unwanted opinions and shutting me down or telling me I’m wrong for feeling the way I do. I want to learn to deal with that trigger and not expect people to get in little boxes so I can deal with one thing at a time. I do love the idea of having a whole series of discussion topics we could access but for me, I wonder if I would skip all the things that trigger me and only focus on the topics I “like”.

  312.  #313Nikita on December 30, 2009 at 1:27 pm

    Hi……cruising through….


  313.  #314Simply Shannon on December 30, 2009 at 1:43 pm

    Still working my way down the posts…

    Janjune: Just reading some more of your posts to Tinque. I’m feeling triggered something fierce. The anger I sense at Tinque… Grrr. I feel rage. I feel defensive. I want to squash your words like a bug. I want to lash out. The shut-down you describe feeling from Tinque’s posts is EXACTLY how I feel reading your words TO Tinque. Shut down, shut down, condescending, angry, “I know the tools better than you”, “I’m doing them and you’re not so shut the hell up” feelings. Grrr. Frik and frak I do not want to feel hostility. I do not want to feel shut down and small and defenseless. I want to speak my mind but not cut to the bone (which is exactly what I want to do right now). AHHHHH!! Phew. I feel bad for pushing my anger on you. I really do appreciate the post because I do feel triggered. I need this even if I don’t want it.

    Sirens & Rori: Please help. I don’t know where to go with this anger. At least here on this blog I don’t want to run (I want to lash out and hurt). But I know if these words were said to me in person I would want to shut down completely. Fight/Flight. I know this rage is protective. I love my rage for its protection but it’s a double edged sword. It protects me but it also cuts me off from other people. Help!

  314.  #315Simply Shannon on December 30, 2009 at 1:43 pm

    Erika: I feel resistance to the idea that I have to resolve things with everyone who crosses my path. I want to speak my truth (no matter anyone’s comfort level) but it also feels exhausting to think that I somehow need to help anyone resolve their own issues. I could have spent so many more years trying to resolve things with my ex but it didn’t matter. I resolved them for myself and got the hell out of there. He is still a part of my daily life because of our kids. He still triggers me but the need to “fix” him is no longer there. I simply can’t do it or rather I don’t want to do it. It wouldn’t feel good to waste any more energy on a man or woman who doesn’t really care about me anymore.

    Lola: I feel triggered hearing a man wouldn’t be around me because of my son. Not just no, but hell no. I feel protective and very defensive. Mama bear protecting her cubs defensive. I would say “That feels terrible to hear. I don’t want to be with someone who would abandon a child when life gets difficult. I appreciate that he is difficult but he is my son and a part of my life. He always will be. I feel uncomfortable compartmentalizing my life that way. What do you think?” I don’t want to be torn or forced to choose a man over my son. He’ll be with me when my son moves out? I’d say “it feels better to me to keep my options open while we wait.”

    Robin: I heart “Your Admirer”. Mmm… super yummy feeling reading that email. Purrrr! And I think you nailed it with your speech about driving. Saying “I don’t feel comfortable with X. What else do you suggest? = PERFECT! States your feeling but leaves it open ended. Felt really good to read that.

    Mary: It would feel bad to me to give the speech again. I sense resistance here or maybe an expectation of a different reaction than you’re getting?

  315.  #316Daria on December 30, 2009 at 1:44 pm

    Sss –

    you practice GRAYING OUT THEIR FACES!!! and focus on the feeling!!!


    omg i feel teary THANK YOU


  316.  #317Erika Awakening on December 30, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    Hey SS,

    Lol, well if I were saying what you hear me as saying, I’d feel resistance too.

    What I’m talking about has nothing to do with “resolving things with everyone who crosses my path.” Nor does it have anything to do with “fixing” a man.

    I’m doing something that I’ve never heard anyone else describe doing before, a process nobody ever taught me, so I’m still finding my way into words that explain it to others with clarity.

    I will say that it’s working like nothing else ever worked. For years, I thought I could just “move on” from my relationship with my mother, for example. But guess what? All the unresolved feelings and patterns there kept contaminating my other relationships.

    Everyone said there was no way to get through to her. Well, guess what? they were wrong. As an external symbol of the transformation, she has lost 20-30 pounds in the past month after a life-long struggle with her weight and being on diets that went nowhere. God helped too, but there is zero doubt in my mind that the main catalyst here was my willingness to do exactly the process that I’ve been living on my blog.

  317.  #318Daria on December 30, 2009 at 2:07 pm

    when i gray out guy who had a baby’s face (and actually his whole body)

    i feel the energy radiating from him, like a big field of warmness, that i feel vitalized by

    is this man jesus or a saint or buddha?/ how did he get his energy field or whatever it is to feel that way!!

    i want that too! i will be “borrowing” that quality.

    i feel warm, and i can tell the center of it where he is is hot like light that draws moths

    but i also feel languid, like im feeling a lil sad, a lil lost, like im in this pond of energy, but its not exactly DOING something to me, ie its not like directed towards me, i feel kinda not important, unnoticed

    like hes sending out his concentric pond waves, and im just a frog on a leaf kinda towards the outer part of the waves

    is this his strong ass feminine energy? is that how he attracts people? doesnt matter. oh and im borrowing it.

    i can borrow qualities i like with EFT. even from animals. more fun magic.

    yes it is!! he sends out this strong magnetic energy. i feel magnetized.

    and a lil sad.

    stop: interrupt to add unrelated. i want to remove the very literary beliefs: we humans are frail in the face of disease. and. life is fleeting. i feel scary and terrified and paralyzed and weak thinking those. thank u. i already tapped an eft on them, im gonna do lefkoe on them in a second. uhoh i feel resistantl i willd o lefkoe on them when i want to. =)
    end stop

    now im imaginign another scenario with him, greyed out of course, and i feel so drawn to the HEAT of his body , energetically. i want to jump on top of him and ride him. hehe . i want to jump right into and melt into the heat. mmm it wouldl feel soooo good to have myself that heat

    i choose to have that heat myself. yay


    the heat/attention/energy feels FAntabulous directed at me. when not directed at me i feel sad and languid and magnetized

    and turned on arouused in my body.

    i am so excited about borrowing this quality hehe. stealing it. in a nice way. plenty for everybody. lol

    dude. if men felt this way around me, which they will, they would like want to throw themselves into me. like rori says, dive into my heart, and feel amazing to be holding my body. fucking awesome

    youve been magnetizing me with your female energy! PUNK!

    i hate you! hehe. actually i feel teary eyed and delighted i feel warm in my throat

    this is a great understanding/discovery/revelation, learning finding out, feeling out…

    wowzers yay

  318.  #319Simply Shannon on December 30, 2009 at 2:08 pm

    Erika: Please explain how this statement is limiting… ““I have to accept that I could invest deeply in a man, and he could walk out the door tomorrow.” I feel curious. I can admit I believe that statement.

    I feel in agreement with your statement about wanting stability. I don’t want to invest in a man (or anyone for that matter) if they can walk away but for me that’s a truth (see above). And yet it’s a risk I’m willing to take. To mitigate that risk, I’m learning to trust myself to recognize red flags, to set boundaries I can live by, and to be authentic.

    It feels so interesting to me that when I read “stable, enduring love” my first reaction was “how boring”. Or fear that I’ll be taken for granted if everything is too stable. Interesting! I want a dynamic relationship, one where two people grow together, learn about each other always.

    When I said “we only have this moment”, I didn’t mean that’s all I expect. I want more than that. I want to be married again… the big forever commitment. I don’t want to be a serial dater, jumping from man to man enjoying each “moment” (although that might feel good for awhile). I want to enjoy many, many moments with one special man and many, many moments with my friends and my family. A million tiny moments spent feeling good and loved. Yummy. That would feel amazing. I would love to have someone I can count on to be there for me. I believe I will have that again with a man one day. It does feel a little scary for me to believe I’ll have all of that in one man. Like that’s too much responsibility for any one human being (myself included).

    I’m noticing I’m rambling now and feeling disconnected from the conversation just this second. I’ll be back later. Shannon

  319.  #320Simply Shannon on December 30, 2009 at 2:09 pm


    Erika: I see you posted again after me. I can’t keep up. 🙂 Thank you for continuing to post responses. I’ll be back soon. Shannon

  320.  #321Erika Awakening on December 30, 2009 at 2:14 pm

    Dominic Barter is a non-violent communication expert who uses a somewhat similar process. He calls it restoration circles. They use it in the juvenile criminal justice system in Brazil. It involves victims of crimes being in a circle of equals with members of the community, the offender, the families of both victim and offender, and often others as well, such as prison guards.

    It’s pretty well known that in our system, once a person gets into the juvenile justice system, the chances of them reoffending are very high.

    In a restoration circle, everyone talks about the human experience of playing the role they played in the crime (e.g., a storekeeper held up at gunpoint who talks about how terrified he has been from that day forward about working at the cash register, and the offender saying what motivated him the day he held up the store, how he wanted to belong with his peers, etc.), and then they come up with a restorative to reconnect the victim and the offender.

    The recidivism rate for juvenile offenders who participate in the program, according to Dominic at a two-day seminar I attended some time ago, is virtually zero.

    It’s not possible to keep hurting someone when we have a really clear understanding of the impact of our actions. it brings destructive patterns to an end.

    That’s why accountability is important — not punishment accountability, but compassionate/restorative accountability. It’s not about “fixing” anyone. It’s about reconnecting people when harm has been done to a relationship through unconscious patterns.

  321.  #322Daria on December 30, 2009 at 2:17 pm

    Shannon youre amazing. thank u for being here.

    “It feels so interesting to me that when I read “stable, enduring love” my first reaction was “how boring”. Or fear that I’ll be taken for granted if everything is too stable. Interesting! I want a dynamic relationship, one where two people grow together, learn about each other always. ”

    this feels so libearating to me. i often have this reaction and i feel terrified of it. it feels so good to see you state it here so openly

    i feel so enthralled in how wise and interesting people are

    i do believe that all humans are intelligent and fascinating, but my experience in the past hasnt been that, i often judge people as dumb and boring, though a part of me knows and wants them to not be

    that random people on a blog are so fascinating, now opens up to me that yes we all must be. it just takes opening up and self esteem, and shannon you have been opening up more and more and are so wise and are helping me so much by sharing. thank you.

    i want all humans to open up and have self esteem!!

    uhoh… my nv saiys… no you know that you should say… if they want to, etc,

    but i dont care

    i want them to all open up and have self esteem

    i want to force everyone to have self esteem

    i feel confused and i love my confusion, and also my enthusiasm

    i love myself

    i ask myself for healing and bringing about feel goodness and clarity about this forcing people to be happy and good and healthy and actually Having this wish, bringing it about, and all that.

    i want that healing, thank you.

  322.  #323Daria on December 30, 2009 at 2:21 pm

    ohhh Erika! that sounds so beautiful. i want that too! figures its in Brazil, where i want to live hehe

    ohh i want to take that and spread it around the world

    i feel terrified i CANT

    its too much for me, im too scared, no one will listen to me

    thank you

    i want healing…

    wow a way to heal a past hurt that doesnt mean i have to revenge kill people

    taht rocks

    ive been lookcing for it

    here it is

    thank you

    more more more

    and thank you

    and lots of healing

  323.  #324Daria on December 30, 2009 at 2:27 pm

    on one hand, i figure i could be so hard, and cold, that i could fake my way thru the experience if i want to. like pretend to share. because after all what do these people know about me, and having to fit in. my friends i want to fit in with are not part of this process. this is weak, and embarassing, and i want to be strong, and warriorlike and glorious.

    how can i be warriorlike without killing stuff. how can i be honorable and glorious. i respect warriorness, i worship it, love it, am enthralled and made love to by it

    on the other hand, if i open my heart, yes i can heal this, but i feel afriad. i will become weak and womanly. always compassionating. how embarassing. i dont want to lose my warriorness

    also Erika, i notice that people have to participate int his program. they have to make that choice.

    i mean yeah i want to force my ex to reconnect with me sure. but i dont think he will. and not the way i design it.

    i feel resistant.

    i want healing. thank you.

    i suppose i could chase my ex down, and get in his face, stalk him constantly provoking some kind of reaction by speaking my desire to enter the reconnection

    but i feel afraid he will like kick my ass or maybe call the police or soemthing

  324.  #325Daria on December 30, 2009 at 2:28 pm


    Angels. i want healing. Thank you.

    i feel demanding. i feel intense. i feel that hold still intensity. usually under that is fear. i love my fear, my hold still intensity. thank you angels…

  325.  #326Daria on December 30, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    my hold still intensity is like holding still behind a tree, while a predator passes, or holding still behind a tree, while prey comes closer.

    held breath. hold still, adrenalin coursing. im night forest panther alive

  326.  #327Daria on December 30, 2009 at 2:31 pm

    shush. hold your breath. something big is happening.

    the elephant is passing.

  327.  #328Erika Awakening on December 30, 2009 at 2:38 pm


    yeah, that has been one of the challenges. Right now I don’t have a formal structure for creating the same healing, so I’m improvising as I go along.

    We triggered the crap out of me. My family stopped talking to me for months. All of them, except my dad occasional emails. But it’s all better now. There has been a major transformation. It feels soooooo much better now.

    It’s worth the transitional discomfort. Really it is. But it requires putting it all out there and being willing to face whatever comes back.

    Are others unwilling to participate, or do we just believe that they are unwilling to participate?

    Everyone wants healing. Deep down, nobody wants to live in these dysfunctional patterns. Nobody. That’s the faith that sustains me.

  328.  #329Erika Awakening on December 30, 2009 at 2:39 pm

    I mean to say we triggered the crap out of each other. hehe. not just me.

  329.  #330Lola on December 30, 2009 at 2:57 pm

    Simply Shannon

    “it feels better to me to keep my options open while we wait.” – working this into a speech right now, that feels very right.
    All that’s left here is dating. I don’t feel he can expect me to be exclusive to him. He feels he is being reasonable and logical. He says he saw Christmas as being time to give it another try and that he had told me that.

    I remember saying that I didn’t want to feel like we were on trial as that would be uncomfortable. I feel angry cos if I’d know I wouldn’t have let him stay so long. 4 out of 5 of those day I nursed him as he was ill with a really bad cold. He could hardly have been observing anything as he was in bed nearly all the time.

    I feel something very wrong here. My son swears he didn’t disrespect him in any way and I believe him. This all feels very wrong.

  330.  #331gina on December 30, 2009 at 3:21 pm

    Lola sounds like lots of tension built up and maybe misunderstandings. You said you are PMSing, and he was feeling lousy and sick, and your son is a teenager (nuff said), plus the holidays can be so wacky….maybe there’s nothing to do right now but let it simmer and then respond to whatever he offers up next.

  331.  #332Erika Awakening on December 30, 2009 at 3:27 pm


    Thank you for your post. My intuition says we can keep going deeper with this, and I appreciate your willingness to be curious. It feels good to me to have an opportunity to put what I’ve been practicing into words.

    So here’s what you wrote, and below each quote I’m going to write in what I perceive as the “conventional wisdom (CW)” response and then how I’m turning this around in my approach.

    “Erika: Please explain how this statement is limiting… ‘I have to accept that I could invest deeply in a man, and he could walk out the door tomorrow.’ I feel curious. I can admit I believe that statement.”

    CW: yes, we just have to accept that statement is true.

    Erika: well, actually, it sounds like a belief, and only true if we believe it. I hear women in committed partnerships saying the opposite, i.e., “I know John is 100% committed to me, and I am to him.” How will I ever feel safe investing in a man if I believe that he might walk out at any time? Answer: I won’t. I will feel insecure, and I don’t want to feel insecure. So I would apply EFT to the belief. Most likely I would discover childhood memories that led me to believe that people cannot be trusted to stick around. I would clear all those out.

    “I feel in agreement with your statement about wanting stability. I don’t want to invest in a man (or anyone for that matter) if they can walk away but for me that’s a truth (see above). And yet it’s a risk I’m willing to take. To mitigate that risk, I’m learning to trust myself to recognize red flags, to set boundaries I can live by, and to be authentic.”

    CW: yes, you have to protect yourself by recognizing red flags and setting boundaries.

    Erika: actually, I find that red flags and boundaries are also based on limiting beliefs. Then we create more defenses around the red flags, and next thing you know we are disconnected. So if a seeming “red flag” pops into my head, I know that I have a limiting belief to clear out. By systematically clearing these out each time they come up, I have for the most part stopped manifesting red flags.

    “It feels so interesting to me that when I read ‘stable, enduring love’ my first reaction was ‘how boring.’ Or fear that I’ll be taken for granted if everything is too stable. Interesting! I want a dynamic relationship, one where two people grow together, learn about each other always.”

    Yep, thanks for sharing that, it really resonates with me.

    CW: You have to choose. If you want stability, you have to give up excitement.

    Erika: Well, here I’ve got both a secondary benefit (being single provides some excitement that I’m scared to lose if I get what I want) and an inner conflict (I don’t really believe I can have stability AND excitement). So I use EFT and go to work on the inner conflict so that my subconscious mind will “get” that stability and excitement are not mutually exclusive.

    I never get bored of Fritz and Harvey, for example. Why would it be any different with a man, except for my limiting beliefs?

    “When I said ‘we only have this moment,’ I didn’t mean that’s all I expect. I want more than that. I want to be married again… the big forever commitment. I don’t want to be a serial dater, jumping from man to man enjoying each “moment” (although that might feel good for awhile). I want to enjoy many, many moments with one special man and many, many moments with my friends and my family. A million tiny moments spent feeling good and loved. Yummy. That would feel amazing. I would love to have someone I can count on to be there for me. I believe I will have that again with a man one day. It does feel a little scary for me to believe I’ll have all of that in one man. Like that’s too much responsibility for any one human being (myself included).”

    Right, so if we really want to manifest that vision, we need to have a lot of clarity that what we say we want is what we really want with our whole heart. As long as there are inner conflicts, inner confusion, doubts, and hidden saboteurs such as secondary benefits, we aren’t going to be manifesting a clear, crisp vision.

    And then if we beat ourselves up for not manifesting what we want, we are adding on MORE limiting beliefs, which make it even harder to manifest the original vision.

    So my entire approach is about illuminating the belief system through awareness, identifying the conflicts and saboteurs, and then cleaning up the belief system so that manifestation can happen easily and effortlessly.

    External conflicts are a manifestation of internal conflicts. That’s why it’s so powerful for me to address the external conflicts directly. It brings huge amounts of awareness and clarity to what are my remaining limiting beliefs or traumas that need to be cleared.

    When a dysfunctional pattern is cleared out of one foundational relationship (say, with my mom), it is usually cleared out of ALL of my relationships.

    I’m having several of my clients go back and address family of origin issues for the same reason, and the revelations we are having are huge. The old family patterns (which never got resolved) are continuing to muck up current relationships and situations until we clear them out.

  332.  #333tinque on December 30, 2009 at 3:32 pm

    “two people grow together, learn about each other always.”
    Yes Simply Shannon, yes, and this can be. This is.

    Happy New Year to all the gorgeous goddesses who come to play on this island.

  333.  #334Daria on December 30, 2009 at 4:09 pm

    Erika – i feel terrified. I want this without the transitional discomfort. (transitional discomfort as a requirement is a belief like any other)

    i want to heal. i realize how frightened i feel around both of my parents, all the time, and especially when i perceive them feeling bad in any way. i feel tightened up anxious and terrified. i am afraid of being attacked, verbally or hit physically.

    i feel afraid transitional discomfort might mean my dad could hit me, or worse (disclaimer: this is not happening in actuality now).

    i dont’ want that kind of discomfort. i feel terrified of my dad and mom’s anger, well of the behavior they have when they feel angry with me


    + no transitional discomfort?

    transitional comfort?

    birth pleasure?

  334.  #335Erika Awakening on December 30, 2009 at 4:20 pm

    Lol, Daria, yeah well when I get that kink out of the system, I’ll let you know.

    So far all the power has been in the willingness to feel the feelings at full intensity, which has been very, very intense. But then they are finally gone, forever.

    I’m hearing resistance to your fear. What if you told your parents you’re f-ing terrified around them and don’t want to live like this anymore? (I’m not advising you to do that, I’m asking how it feels if you ask yourself that question.)

  335.  #336Daria on December 30, 2009 at 4:27 pm

    hey… ive been skirting around that question, pointing my arrow at it and stretching my bow…

    when i imagine asking that… i get an image… of saying that…

    and then them looking shocked, then angry, and flat.

    then my mom says something like: you are crazy girl. what do you think everyone runs the way you want them to. youre not the boss here

    then my dad says something like: yeah yeah and look how shes looking! thats absurd

    mom: what can we do if you feel that way. itd be better if you worried about important things like getting a job

    mom and dad get into discussion about me in front of them

    i feel stuck and left out, angry and flat- ie flat because of not expressing my anger… and lost, spinny headed confused, heavy limbed, disappointed, hopeless.

    yes this feels kinda hopeless… in the sense that “it wont work” kinda hopeless and i dont know how to make it better… im stuck


    what do you think?

  336.  #337Daria on December 30, 2009 at 4:29 pm

    ps – re read the question.

    if i said i feel fuckin terrified around you and dont want to live like this anymore:

    mom: well no one is holding you here . get the fuck out

    dad: yeah. how do you dare say something like that. arent you ashamed. i feel like destroying you.


    this feels scary and flattening!!

  337.  #338Erika Awakening on December 30, 2009 at 4:33 pm

    all right, I hear fear of the worst case scenario, and then you say “skirting around” it, and that’s exactly what I’ve been talking about. we have all these strategies for skirting around the worst case scenario, when what we actually might be better off doing is facing it.

    fwiw, I told my mom straight up that I was extremely angry because looking back, my entire childhood had been pretty much nothing but back to back traumas, one right after another, and that it was beyond my comprehension how anyone could do the things they did. I told my dad I was f-ing pissed that he stood by and let her brutalize us.

    and my mom’s response was that I should be grateful because I had learned self-reliance. lol

    well, I didn’t stop there. I expressed my rage that this so-called “self-reliance” training had blocked intimacy for my entire life.

    got total shut down from the whole family. nobody wanted to face it. utter silent treatment.

    and then … a few months passed … after expressing all that, I shifted emotionally … and suddenly one day the clouds opened up.

    open honest dialogues began.

    It turns out that I had only said what everyone already knew to be the truth, and finally it was out in the open, and nobody had to run away from it anymore.

    which means that now it’s almost as if none of it ever happened. which is true healing.

  338.  #339laughing goddess on December 30, 2009 at 4:35 pm

    I’m jumping in. Haven’t read all the posts. Sorry if I repeat something already said.


    You said: “But it’s not true. And the more we clear that belief out of our system, the less likely he is to walk out the door tomorrow.”

    What I hear you saying in this statement is that lifelong commitment boils down to whether are beliefs will allow it. I 100% agree.

    But this seems to contradict your ideas about holding someone else accountable. Why would we hold someone else accountable when it’s our own beliefs that are blocking it from happening?

  339.  #340Erika Awakening on December 30, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    So, Daria, how do you feel about facing worst case scenario? They might kick me out, they might never talk to me again, we might never get past the “transitional discomfort” lol. I’m not advising to do it. I mean, if those things happened, how does that feel? What does it mean about you as a person?

    Oh, and I have truncated my story. I left out many of the details, and how I got lectures from everyone about how what I was doing would never work, and I would just alienate everyone, etc. How I was being insensitive and not compassionate.

    And I said, “I know what I’m doing. This is the most compassionate thing I could possibly do: tell the truth. Please trust the process.” I trusted, and God helped too, with the parting of the clouds.

    I feel moved to tears 🙂

  340.  #341Lola on December 30, 2009 at 4:44 pm

    Yeah I’ve been going crazy. PMS, Blue moon, Mercury retrograde, Christmas, teenagers!
    A lethal cocktail
    : ))

  341.  #342Erika Awakening on December 30, 2009 at 4:48 pm

    “But this seems to contradict your ideas about holding someone else accountable. Why would we hold someone else accountable when it’s our own beliefs that are blocking it from happening?”

    Because minds are joined, and communicating with another person is one of the most powerful ways to change both of our minds about what is possible and what we want.

    The whole system stands or falls on trust, so I do whatever it takes to ensure trust between myself and other people. If I stand in my truth and tell a man, “you said x, and then you did y instead, that does not meet my need for trust, and it’s very painful to me,” it will be very, very difficult for him to repeat that pattern.

    Everyone has a conscience, but if they are allowed to remain unconscious, they will not be in touch with the impact of their actions and what they really want to be giving and receiving in this world.

  342.  #343Daria on December 30, 2009 at 5:01 pm

    i feel scared to get kicked out… ie told to leave and actually meant

    i dont want to be cold on the street, i feel afraid ill get sick, and i dont want to feel sick and feverish in the cold.

    i dont want to move to a shelter (though part of me does) i feel turned off by what i imagine a clinical yet not really clean environment, and feeling judged

    i start feeling angry at teh world and everyone in it, including people in my life… will you Erika let me move in free of charge? will rori? i feel angry that the answer i get in my head is no. see they’re not there for you the voice says

    my Godsister will let me move in. that’s how i feel supported by her. but i feel afraid i will feel uncomfortable, and we will argue, and i will feel obligated, and i won’t sleep well and feel ill.

    maybe some other people will let me move in. i feel guilty. i feel like paying, though i feel certain i wont be there long

    i feel afraid and swept away right now


    yes i can move out, even to a shelter, even to the street, i CAN.

    but like you say Erika, that won’t RESOLVE MY ISSUE WIth MY PARENTS… by leaving from the house. sure it might sorta something. maybe it will and shift. but it S?HOULD be ablet to shift from right here. feeling comfortable.

    rather than MOVING AWA?Y and MOVING ON.

    i feel intense. in beetween my chest and my throat. i feel don’t moveness. i love my dontmoveness alertness

    i love my wanting to avoid these feelings and running to finish this sentence so i can go do something else purely to distract myself, probably just refreshing this page, or looking to the left. my lower back feels tihgt my forehead above my eye feels tight, my chest nad tummy feel tight, i feel uncomfortable as FUCK im starting to feel angry at you, and at eerything im wanting to disconnect as you say, from thihs anxiety feeling… i Dont like feeling this way, i feel angry to be forced (by myself) to feel this way… i feel furious. and stuck and powerless, and hopeless. ie dont know how to make it betterness and anger and anger and anger and anger and anger. i feel soooo strong desire to disconnect from this anxiety and distract myself. i love myself. i love myself.. i llove my feeling totally hijacked. sigh. i love myselffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

    i just did the jet plane tool and it helped, but i still feel tight in my throat above my chest where the pipe was. i feel uncomfortable feeling these feelings and i feel stuck. stuck if i do soemthing else to distract myself, and stuck feeling uncomfortable if i dont. i feel furious at feeling stuck thihs way. or just uncomfortable. it feels like fucking sitting on pins and continuing to sit there. it feels like self torture. i llvoe my self torture. i rebel i rebel i rebel. i love myselffdfffffffffff

    i want to beat someone up to discharge this energy into them.

    TAKE T?HAT. ha… take that for me being stuck. for me being powerless. take THAT. for me not knowing wht to do, and for the unfairness in the world. and for m]e being born, and suffering and all the hate in the world and all the hate i feel… take that. img onna kill u. im gonna kill u. im gonna kill u.

    i love myself and my way of having gone probably in one of those past lives traumas.

    i am feeling uncomfortable like fuck feeling these feelings. they will never morph. they will never change. they will never change. they will never change.

    fuck my left index finger is feeling it again that fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff thing but its not enough, i feel theenergy in my teeth and my finger

    i dont want to give up, i can barely breathe.. this is probably one of thoise past life traumas. give up. give up. give up.

    i dont want to. i dont want to. i dont want to.

    youre gonna die. youre gonna die. youre gonna die.

    breathe. breathe.breathe.

    die already. die already. die already.

    im tired i want it to be over. im tired i want it to be over. im tired i want it to be over.

    i cant take naymore. i cant take anymore. i cant take anymore.

    im asphyxiating. im asphyxiating. im asphyxiating.

    die bitch die. die bitch die. die bithc die.

    goddamn this bitch is taking forever. goddame this bitch ist aking forever. goddam this bitch is taking fo]rever.

    im tired of this. im tired of this. im tired of this.

    i want to die. i want to die i want to die.

    die then die then die then

    shes dying shes dying shes dying

    – im looking at the stuckness in my body and expressing the energy, in a story where someone is tryna kill me 0

    anyways i must not be dead now, because i still very much WANT to have it be over, and thats just another energy activated by the story

    i want this to be over. i want this to be over. i want this to be over.

    wow. that was long. i just took another 10 minutes, but i cleared out most of it for sure.

    it was like a two men and one choked me to death, when i didnt die by hanging or something. i think we were at war or somerthing.

  343.  #344laughing goddess on December 30, 2009 at 5:08 pm

    Okay, so I’m reading more Erika and I’m totally with you on clearing out the limiting beliefs.

    But…I feel triggered because I remember this topic started because I said “I will be happy with or without him” and you responded in a way that seemed to be disagreeing. And I don’t understand why you would disagree with that because the reason I said it is because I belief MY beliefs are that important.

    I know I can’t hold any one else accountable for my own beliefs. And I am commit to letting go of my limiting beliefs. And as I do that I will let more and more of what I want in my life. And I WILL be happy with or without him.

    I feel confused. I feel totally confused. I feel charge in your posts. I’m judging that the charge comes from a personal issue you are working through and instead of addressing it directly you are addressing it by coming up with a “system”. This may not be true but that is the way it seems to me and I feel pissed. I feel unheard. I feel frustrated because I was expressing something that was important for me and I feel triggered by your reaction to it.

    I am glad you worked things out with your family. From what I have seen, that is a pretty common thing that most people on a path of personal growth do. I used to have a terrible relationship with my parents. I had a lot of resentment towards them and I confronted the issues and we worked it out and now things are way better. But I did that years ago. And any limiting beliefs that I still carry that developed from my relationship with them are now mine to release. I don’t need to confront them.

    Ugh! I feel pissed and annoyed and unheard.

  344.  #345laughing goddess on December 30, 2009 at 5:11 pm


    “The whole system stands or falls on trust, so I do whatever it takes to ensure trust between myself and other people. If I stand in my truth and tell a man, “you said x, and then you did y instead, that does not meet my need for trust, and it’s very painful to me,” it will be very, very difficult for him to repeat that pattern.”

    Sure, I agree. This is simple. It’s being honest. As Rori puts it “tell the truth”. But it’s still about US about US telling the truth. It’s not about the other person.

  345.  #346laughing goddess on December 30, 2009 at 5:15 pm

    I dunno. Maybe the reason I feel frustrated is because its a very natural thing for me to confront people when I feel frustrated. I’ve been doing it my whole life and sometimes I forget that its a big deal to others. If its something that one doesn’t do naturally, I can see where it would feel like a big revelation to do so. I feel sad that I didn’t see that earlier.

  346.  #347laughing goddess on December 30, 2009 at 5:17 pm

    But I also feel pissed about your judgment of my comment “I will be happy with or without him”

  347.  #348Daria on December 30, 2009 at 5:18 pm

    Erika – i hear you say you don’t “like in so many words

    “that i am ok with him or without him”

    but i see you being ok with him or without him.

    i feel a disconnection half way between what is meant by ok.

    i am ok when i feel pain. and at the same time i am not ok.

    so this leads to a contradiction, not only consciously but also unconsciously.

    because i want to be OK in the sense that i want to believe i can/ am happy… with out without any person place or thing.

    and yet, i dont want to be unable to express and to resign to accepting as necessary whta feels bad

    i also dont want the belief – If im ok with being ok without him, it tells my subconscious mind that i am unclear on wanting a harmonious feel good connected relationship at all times”

    – belief which i hear you holding (with my hearing)


    i feel jealous and glad about what happend with your parents. perhaps it will inspire my subconscious.

    but right now daria feels terrified of doing that… to the point of not wanting to

    she feels terrified because her subconscious for some reason thinks that her getting kicked out will lead to her getting sick – so sick that she dies… ie survival

    which is just not true. sigh. i dont want that connection, wtf.

    i feel drained by it. WAT the fuck!!! i feel angry. and i also feel unmotivated to apply eft or lefkoe to it.

    FUCK U God. im gonna just sit here until you change it

    btw God knows me. he knows i dont mean it like that so dont worry about the fuck you part.

    thank you for the help angels.

    thanks also Erika for sharing.

    i feel kinda intense and also accomplished. i feel done and not done. mmmm. im a stew

  348.  #349Erika Awakening on December 30, 2009 at 5:22 pm

    Hey Laughing Goddess,

    I appreciate your honesty. In commenting on the “I’ll be happy with or without him,” I was sharing my own realizations about my own beliefs, not presuming to know yours.

    How about “I commit myself to happiness” and not “with or without him”?

    Also, it feels condescending to me to hear “I cleared everything out with my family years ago.” My response is, really? How do you know how deep this recent clearing has gone? Did your clearing not only clear up your own issues but other people’s addictions as well? Because I used to think that a “civil” relationship meant things were cleared, and they most definitely were not.

    I don’t feel my experience is honored when people say things like “well I reached that level years ago.” I feel more comfortable when we don’t compare where we are relative to someone else because any such comparisons don’t feel very authentic or respectful to me.

    I didn’t feel charge writing my posts, actually. I feel mild anger responding to your latest comment, but I wasn’t feeling that before.

    Mostly I’m questioning my own beliefs. And I find the idea that “we can heal with or without him” on one level empowering because it’s not co-dependent, but now on another level it feels too atomistic and individualistic to me. That’s my experience of it, now. I’m intending to create an interdependent life for myself, not a self-sufficient one, and I choose my beliefs carefully now.

    I guarantee those restoration circles in Brazil are far more powerful because both the victim and perpetrator are there.

    I did tons of healing on my own of familial issues without being able to access what I was able to access emotionally through these recent dialogues.

    The miracles are coming when I work by myself. But the huge miracles are coming when I include others in my healing.

    This is my experience. My intention is to honor everyone else’s experience exactly the way they are experiencing it.

    It’s just that I’m finding that daring, honest, unfettered communication can bridge experiences and bring us into alignments and agreements that, at least to me, before now seemed impossible.

  349.  #350Lola on December 30, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    You having to leave home feels scary to me. I don’t want you to be cold on the street. : (

    I am starting to feel bored with my stuff now. I am noticing my attention going to the TV, to other posts, less panic, less me me me. It was good to have my children home and my daughter looked so cute and squeezable, my son so anxious he was in trouble for something he hadn’t done!
    Thanks for all of you helping me get through the worst bit of that!
    I feel tired of the situation, I feel it’s time to focus out now. the waves of anger and disappointment and outrage keep coming over me but there’s more calm now.

  350.  #351Daria on December 30, 2009 at 5:34 pm

    heyyy erika loving this last post. wow this feels clear and refreshing . i resonate with it now, without feeling the resitance i felt in the posts before

    thank goodness i feel grateful

    i like the idea of interdepended rather than self sufficient,

    although i also want to practice self sufficient. i want both.

    i want self sufficiency with money thank you. just for practice because i feel non self sufficient and thats not feeling great right now.

    right on angels. thanks.

  351.  #352Daria on December 30, 2009 at 5:37 pm

    yay Lola! it sounds lovely with your kids! i feel glad youre feeling better.

    don’t worry i’ll be fine either way! i promise.

    i actually like being out on the street.

    which im sure creates lots of inner conflict for me aabout this.

    one the one hand, i feel afraid ill be cold get sick and die, on the other hand i feel powerful and exhilarated and free and happy

    i love myself and my inner conflict

    but meanwhile

    i want to rest from this healing

    thank u everyone Goddesses and Angels

  352.  #353Simply Shannon on December 30, 2009 at 5:43 pm

    Daria: Oh thank you! I really appreciate that so much. I feel myself glowing reading your comment!

    Erika: I really appreciate your willingness to play along with me. I feel intrigued and encouraged by your goal to uncover things and heal them. It feels scary to bring up the past but it also feels true that it’s not really “the past” as I keep bringing certain things up in my here and now. I feel happy hearing that your family was responsive to you.

    I meant to say with the “I have to accept that I could invest deeply in a man, and he could walk out the door tomorrow” that I would change the wording to say “I have to accept that I could invest deeply in a man, and… something could change which meant we were no longer together”. For me, this is not limiting. The other way, yes is limiting because it’s a fear belief, aka saying a man will “leave” implies I got “left”. But sometimes things just change. People die, people move, people change their minds (usually there’s a series of things happening when that occurs).

    I want to believe that we all flow together in and out of each other’s lives all the time. I’m not there yet (still growing and changing – circular dating rocks – lol). I just feel so tired of feeling like a victim to men who leave or change their minds. I want to forgive them that pain / hurt because that may not have been their intention. It’s just how I felt as a result.

    I dunno. I’m not sure I’m making sense. For me, I have no desire to contact old flames (or even more recent ones) to discuss what happened to “us”. It might feel liberating to do but if that person didn’t care enough about me at the time to discuss it, why would I trust that his words now are true? I know I wouldn’t. And once I’m out of it, I have no interest in fixing the other person (which is why I’m not the coach 😉 ). I’m only interested in “fixing” me.

    Okay, gotta get some sleep. I hope everyone has a fabulous New Year’s Eve!! The world gets a fresh start tomorrow at midnight! Shannon

  353.  #354laughing goddess on December 30, 2009 at 6:05 pm


    I feel amused by the irony of us both feeling condescension coming from each other. And I also feel amused because I agree with most all of your theories yet I feel highly triggered by a few small aspects of what you are saying. It didn’t feel clear to me that you were questioning your own beliefs regarding “I will be happy with or without him”. It felt like you were judging my statement of that. It felt good to have Rori and SS and others express their understanding of where I was coming from with that statement. It felt really good to be supported. It feels crappy to not be supported. I feel sad that you didn’t like me saying I worked my stuff out with my parents a years ago. It wasn’t meant as a personal affront to you, it’s just the truth. I did.

    I still notice limiting beliefs coming up that I can trace back to experiences I had with my parents but I feel zero desire to confront them about it because I realize that the limiting beliefs came from my misinterpretation of the behavior.

    For example, last night something came up that helped me to realize that I have a deep fear of abandonment from men. I could see that it comes from the fact that my dad moved out when I was young. At the same time I was having this realization, I was texting with my dad. Now I could have confronted him with the issue but why? As an adult, I know how much he loves me. I know he didn’t leave because of me. He has done so much in my life to show that he loves me. Yet I still have this belief that comes from him leaving. I misinterpreted the events when I was a child and I determined I wouldn’t be safe if the man left. But the problem comes from my misinterpretation. I was safe. I am safe now. Why confront my dad over my misinterpretation? Why not just do eft or lefkoe or riffing and work it out. I know that my dad has tortured himself and questioned himself enough about leaving. I want to be in the moment with him and appreciate the attention and love he is giving me now. This is not to say that I wouldn’t bring it up to him if I felt like it. Sometimes I do bring things up. But lately I have found that working them out within myself is much more effective and yes, I do see changes happening within the whole family. My sister was seriously ill and on life-support for 4 months of this past year. My dad told me that he thinks me being there saved her life because of my positive energy. While others were fighting and “confronting” each other, I was holding a space of positivity and hope. My past hurts were nothing in comparison to her immediate and present danger. And after I left, my mom and her husband went on a diet and she lost 50lbs after a lifelong struggle with weight.

    That being said, I am all for confronting issues “in the moment as they come up” as I did with you. And I am all for bringing up issues from the past if that’s what works for someone. I’m just saying its not a prescribed system that is necessary for everyone. It’s a personal choice.

  354.  #355Daria on December 30, 2009 at 6:16 pm

    two ducks flew by in front of the beautiful grey blue sky!

    yay ducks. they were messengers in love

    now bout to hang out with friends! yay

  355.  #356Daria on December 30, 2009 at 6:18 pm

    you are all so beautiful!

    muah!! i love my Goddesses!

  356.  #357laughing goddess on December 30, 2009 at 6:20 pm

    I feel frustrated because the issue of confronting the family or others isn’t really relevant to why I am upset. I feel certain that it’s helpful in some situations and not necessary in others. I feel triggered by the word confrontation because in my head that connotes feeling of aggression. But what I hear you saying is that you are being honest with your family and sharing feeling messages. I would agree that is always a constructive thing to do. But being honest and sharing feeling messages sounds way different than confrontation and holding people accountable. I dunno. It sounds like the triggering happening here is due to word choice. You didnt agree with my word choice in saying I will be happy with or without him. I feel triggered by some of your word choices.

    I honestly believe that underneath these word choices we have very similar ideas and theories. I feel sad that I didn’t support and understanding from you regarding my comment. I feel sad because it seemed to me like you challenged it without understanding what I was saying. That felt bad. Part of the reason it felt bad is because I do normally feel excited about what you have to say and I really wanted to do eft work with you when I feel comfortable spending money on that. And now I feel discouraged, I feel pissed, I feel judged, and I feel disappointed because I really liked you before that.

  357.  #358laughing goddess on December 30, 2009 at 6:24 pm

    Daria: Thanks for the positive vibes. I feel better reading your posts!

  358.  #359Erika Awakening on December 30, 2009 at 6:25 pm

    Hey Laughing Goddess,

    well, I can certainly see why it would be triggering if it felt like I was judging you. I like to feel supported and not judged too. I appreciate you sharing more of your experience, and it sounds like you have had major clearings in your family also.

    Personal choice. Yes, of course. And I’m offering what has worked for me because I wish someone had offered me this system years ago. It would have saved me a *lot* of time.

    As for talking to your dad, it sounds like you are following your intuition. That’s what I do. Intuition knows when to confront and when it’s not necessary. I also hear a possible limiting belief that honesty will potentially hurt someone else (I say “possible” because I don’t want to presume without checking it out with you first). I had a limiting belief that others couldn’t handle my honesty, and I’ve done my best to transform that to “people love honesty, it’s a huge relief to have things out in the open.”

    Daria, thanks for your support and reflections.

    SS, thanks for your whole post. The openness of our dialogue feels really good to me. I feel very undefensive sharing going on. In your last post, I hear hesitation still about really wanting a permanent commitment. And no judgments on that, it just seems like we attract men who are on the same wavelength we are, so if we want to keep our options open (“I might change my mind”), we’re likely to attract the same in a mate.

    But then again, I’m someone who believes even death is a limiting belief, so when you say “someone might die,” I think to myself, yeah wouldn’t that be a clever way for me to continue to avoid intimacy? and I clear that possibility out of my subconscious mind …

    Lol :-p

  359.  #360laughing goddess on December 30, 2009 at 6:28 pm

    Sorry guys, I’m on a roll and my thoughts are pouring out. I feel bad taking up so much space with my triggering…but I’m still going to cuz I gotta get it out 🙂

    Erika: One more thought on the word choice thing. Earlier you posted a quote that you said to a family member and you said it in perfect “Non-violent Communication” form. Yet you are using words like confront and holding people accountable. This feel discordant to me.

  360.  #361Erika Awakening on December 30, 2009 at 6:30 pm

    Laughing Goddess,

    “I feel triggered by the word confrontation because in my head that connotes feeling of aggression. But what I hear you saying is that you are being honest with your family and sharing feeling messages.”

    Oh it’s sharing feeling messages now, but it most definitely was a confrontation at first. And that’s what needed to happen to pop the cork on all the submerged anger. There was no going into that mess gently. It was ugly for a while. And that’s ok. It’s nice and soft now, because I was willing to face up to a lifetime’s worth of pain.

  361.  #362Erika Awakening on December 30, 2009 at 6:34 pm

    “you posted a quote that you said to a family member and you said it in perfect “Non-violent Communication” form. Yet you are using words like confront and holding people accountable. This feel discordant to me.”

    I appreciate you highlighting this because it increases my awareness.

    In non-violent communication, “accountability” is listed as a basic human need. To me, it does not mean punishment. It means facing up to the impact of our actions. The difference is in intention. Healing and raising conscious awareness instead of punishment.

    In my experience, there are times to be tough and times to be soft. If I try to be soft all the time, I don’t always feel heard.

    One of my NVC teachers said “do whatever serves connection.”

  362.  #363laughing goddess on December 30, 2009 at 6:37 pm


    “I, personally, am revamping my belief system to make it unequivocally clear that if a man makes promises to me, he had damn well better keep them.

    Or there’s going to be hell to pay. Just like with a merchant”

    You said that in your first response to my saying I would be happy with or without him. That just feels like blaming energy, not like taking personal responsibility for revamping my belief system or using non-violent communication. I feel confused about where you are coming from.

  363.  #364laughing goddess on December 30, 2009 at 6:38 pm

    Ummm, our posts our crossing. I need a second to catch up

  364.  #365laughing goddess on December 30, 2009 at 6:40 pm

    k, caught up. I don’t have much to say now just feel curious to hear more from you.

  365.  #366Erika Awakening on December 30, 2009 at 6:41 pm

    Yeah, it may still be some limiting beliefs on my part, but I’ve found there is value in being willing to be, for lack of a better word, a royal bitch at times.

    Sometimes it’s the only way I get past another person’s shut-down response to be heard.

    So, for example, if a guy is reflexively writing off my genuine human needs as “needy,” and I’ve learned that I’m not the only person he has played out this pattern with, I’m going to do whatever it takes to break through his unconsciousness patterns to hear me.

    “Whatever serves connection.”

    Even if that doesn’t always look very “nice.”

  366.  #367laughing goddess on December 30, 2009 at 6:43 pm

    Okay, I can agree with you on that. And I have had a conversation with J on that exact subject and I found that connection was pretty much torn apart when I confronted and blamed him and restored when I used feeling messages and non-violent communication.

  367.  #368laughing goddess on December 30, 2009 at 6:45 pm

    I feel grateful for this conversation and appreciative of the clarity that is coming from it. I also feel needing to take care of some personal things now. I looking forward to checking in later to read more.

    Thanks for discussing this Erika.

  368.  #369laughing goddess on December 30, 2009 at 7:33 pm

    Erika: one more thing…

    You said above that one of my comments made you feel like your experience wasn’t being honored. That’s exactly how I felt in regard to your comments and attitude regarding my saying “I will be happy with or without him”.

    It felt really bad and I can see how I responded back to you with the same attitude. I think subconsciously I wanted to treat you the way you were treating me so you could see how it felt. I don’t feel particularly proud of that. I wish I would have said immediately that it felt shitty. It didn’t really hit me though until I saw my comment being addressed a few times in your posts and being discussed theoretically vs. personally. Coming to the place I realizing that I will be happy with or without him was huge for me. And the way I heard you talking about it left me feeling like my experience wasn’t being honored.

    I feel really triggered sometimes by posts from coaches on here because sometimes they feel so disconnected from what is personally going on with people. Not to say that’s always the case. I can see where some people have felt very supported also. Sometimes tho’, it feels like more of a focus on ideas and theory vs. personal reality. That’s how I felt about your response to my comment. Here I was working through all this stuff and it seemed to me like you immediately jumped right into to breaking it down and didn’t give any thought or concern for what it meant to me personally. That felt horrible!!!

    On a side note, I feel very appreciative that I have the opportunity to work through triggers here. I can see how it’s helping me learn
    to deal with disagreements on my “real world life”. Thanks Rori for giving us the space to do this!

  369.  #370laughing goddess on December 30, 2009 at 7:41 pm


    I feel happy to hear that moments of calm are creeping in. I really enjoyed chatting with you last night.

  370.  #371Erika Awakening on December 30, 2009 at 8:05 pm

    Wow, LG, that feels really honest and good to hear your latest post. I can see how my jumping off on your phrasing without clarifying my intentions first would feel dishonoring. I appreciate you sharing that with me so I can be more conscious about that.

    Thank you, Rori, for creating this space.

    Thank you, Goddesses. I felt a lot of openness here today. Perhaps that’s just a shift within myself and how I’m perceiving things, but I felt like I could express ideas, feelings, and experiences, and even be a little provocative and it felt like we all stayed open even when we got triggered. That felt good. Thank you.

  371.  #372laughing goddess on December 30, 2009 at 8:39 pm

    I appreciate the openness and honesty as well. It feels good to me to work through things and gain a deeper understanding of each other’s perspective. I feel calm and peaceful and connected. 🙂

  372.  #373laughing goddess on December 31, 2009 at 12:52 am

    Totally felt really challenging to me. Not just this situation, I was expressing my feelings all over the place today. And at the end of the day I have to say I can feel my feminine energy flowing strongly and that feels good. I feel empowered by my ability to express my feelings and that feels good. I feel hopeful!

  373.  #374laughing goddess on December 31, 2009 at 12:54 am

    meant to say today felt really challenging to me

  374.  #375mary on December 31, 2009 at 1:12 am

    wow. my life outside is seriously conflicting with my time on siren island. i want to come bask in the sun for a while. maybe tomorrow!

  375.  #376Daria on December 31, 2009 at 1:13 am

    hey Erika- so guess what i told my dad i feel scared when i see him so worked up. i feel afriad its gonna turn towards me

    and he was like waht did i do? hes seemed concerned and afraid

    so i said im not blaming you for anything. you didnt Do anything to me. i just feel afraid

    and then i spontanesouly said.. hug and opened my arms

    and i went and hugged him and ifelt better (i dont feel safe hugging him so often usually so i felt glad – theres a feeling that he hates me, and ive let him down, and im cruelly ruining his life and torturing his soul – paraphrasing of what hes said to me in the past – i want to change this belief that its true)

    so then it turned out good

    now i was feeling more empowered and powerful. i changed osme beliefs about living out there, like i dont have to die or get sick, its relaly all good in the hood

    so now i came home after smoking and i started my usual trigger of feleing terrified theyll realize i smoke and attaack me and kick me out right then and there

    and then i realized WOW im feeling Terrified and not only that, but im not being honest, but so waht if i was… like it seemed more possible

    so now i want to feel comfortable sharing all of me and my experience, without feeling ill be attacked.

    i want that to heal. thank you

  376.  #377Rori Raye on December 31, 2009 at 1:51 am

    Erika and Laughing, I’m butting in here…the whole thing seems to me a matter of consciousness or unconsciousness. and I just wrote so much, I’m going to jump off into a post…Love, Rori

  377.  #378Simply Shannon on December 31, 2009 at 8:44 am

    Not much time to post today but wanted to say thank you to all for being here with me. I’m starting to finally feel capable of taking my honesty here out into the world. All of you have really helped changed my life. Thank you.

    Daria: I feel so happy reading that you spoke your truth to your dad and it turned out okay. It feels good to read a post about a false belief being broken.

    Erika: Thank you again for all of the posts and answering my questions. I really appreciate it. I went way “thinky” in my head but enjoyed the conversation. I was thinking of things I wanted to say last night but sleep has erased all of them. I’m sure I’ll be back. 😉

    I hope everyone has something fun planned for this evening! Let’s all celebrate a fresh start. Bring it on 2010!! Be safe tonight!

  378.  #379Erika Awakening on December 31, 2009 at 10:26 am

    Hey Rori,

    Yeah, consciousness and unconsciousness is a big part of this. I find with my clients that addictive patterns (the stuff they don’t want but can’t seem to get rid of) can be interrupted just by using powerful ways to bring in conscious awareness. Sometimes we’ll spend an entire session unraveling a particular memory (something that feels really shameful that they’ve never told anyone) and discover that what they thought was the core of it was something else entirely.

    If we want men to support us in the ways we’d like, I believe we must commit to helping them become more conscious. Deep down, when they are conscious, they don’t want to do things that feel hurtful to us.

    Hmmm … intriguing. I wonder if this is a way that my masculine and feminine play together? There was no way my feminine energy could possibly feel safe coming out in my old belief system. Way too scary. Now when I feel scared, I know there’s belief system revamping to be done. So I feel until I hit a block, and then I clear and clean. Thanks for saying it felt “thinky” cuz that brings more clarity. Parts of yesterday felt thinky to me also. Writing this right now feels thinky.

    Thanks for sharing your experience with your dad.

  379.  #380Erika Awakening on December 31, 2009 at 10:31 am

    Doesn’t feel thinky though when I’m actually doing the clearing process with myself or someone else. Feels flowing, feels like the space between us disappears. Feels trance-like and magical. Feels like being deeply present.

  380.  #381terry on December 31, 2009 at 12:39 pm

    I feel so overtaken with sorrow. I feel I can’t breathe. Ten years divorced. Another Christmas and New Year’s alone. The couple of men I’ve been dating lately completely blew me off for Christmas and New Year’s. One man held me two weeks ago, said he loved me, then poof.

    I have read Rori’s book. Bought 2 programs. I listen to them constantly. However, man after man after man keeps disappearing on me. Their main complaint? I’m not “doing” enough for them. I feel tired of telling them how I feel about that.

    My sister, on the other hand, breaks every “rule” and does everything opposite of these tools. She pursues, rows the boat, plans dates, etc., etc. She has men lined up from every direction! I don’t get it. I feel sad and numb.

    I feel defeated.

  381.  #382mary on December 31, 2009 at 4:03 pm


    all i can say is: tomorrow’s a new day! a new week! a new year! hallelujah! let’s all just start over! yippee!

    It could be that your experience will turn around and so will your sister’s. I think Rori’s on to some good things here – things worth trying! I liked what she said to you about your man, and i’m looking back at november’s post: “Why are You Emotionally Involved with a Toxic Man?” and you said this:

    “He has a lot of feminine energy and I have a lot of masculine energy.”

    I’m wondering something here. Could it be that there are less feminine energy guys out there? If so, is there any way you could switch your energy to feminine? I don’t know anything about this; I’m just asking!

    It could be a numbers thing, and nothing that you’re actually doing.

    it also could be that you’re ready for a better suitor! you’re upping your level of knowledge, so you’re not tolerating the same abuse as before! hooray for you! so naturally, the same guys are no longer interested, cause they can’t do their same crummy things with you, cause they can’t get away with them.

    Enter: new guys in the new year!

    I know it’s hard to do these holidays alone, and I feel for you! I feel really sad about that…

    talk to us more about it… maybe someone else has some wise words for you.

    happy new year!

    love, mary

  382.  #383mary on December 31, 2009 at 4:07 pm


    i’ve been super busy, and i missed that whole thing about your parents. but i’m so glad for the hug today with your dad! that feels good to me. like something to rejoice about.

    maybe that hug could be enough for now? and maybe you could reveal yourself to them later, in a slower process? maybe your parents aren’t skilled at speaking siren language!

    it sounds good to me!

    Happy New Year to you, too! Thank you for taking my posts seriously and for giving me some good feedback. I really appreciate that.

  383.  #384alias girl on December 31, 2009 at 4:47 pm

    terry rori oftens asks us “what is the message” the man is bringing?

    i know that the quality of men went up for me as i continued with rori’s tools. i believe it will for you as well.

  384.  #385Terry on December 31, 2009 at 8:36 pm

    Hi, Mary. Um, wrong Terry. There must be two of us on here. I didn’t post anything about toxic men. But, I appreciate your input anyway. Happy New Year to you, too!

    Thanks, alias girl. I will try to feel what messages these men are bringing. I feel warm tears gently running down my cheeks.

  385.  #386Erika Awakening on December 31, 2009 at 8:59 pm

    I am staying home tonight after a medical procedure, all wrapped up in gauze, lol 🙂 I feel happy. I feel so accepting of this moment exactly as it is. I feel so glad that I spoke my truth in the recent situations. I feel very at peace about the whole thing.

    When I went away for the holidays, my cat Fritz got stressed by my absence and got diarrhea. So he’s supposed to be taking medicine, but he doesn’t like it because it tastes bitter.

    So we’ve kind of been having a standoff. I’ve been trying to find various ways to “hide” the pills, and he’s been saying “no that doesn’t feel good Mommy.”

    Well, tonight it was weird. I felt so present with him, and I kept trying to coax him to eat the food with the crushed up pill in it, and as I sat there with him and connected with him,

    I started to feel the bitterness of the pill in my own mouth. Deep empathy with him. Really intense.

    Then I said, “God, Fritz, that does feel awful. I’m glad you stood in your truth and didn’t eat that food. Let’s see if we can find a better way.”

    I went out to the store and got Tylenol, which I desperately needed anyway, for my own post-procedure pain, and I also picked up some cans of tuna. I don’t know any stronger taste for cats than tuna juice, so I figured that would ease the bitterness of the pills.

    I got home, took the Tylenol, already feel much better. Crushed up the pill and soaked it in tuna juice, and Fritz lapped it right up.

    I felt so connected to that little guy in that moment.

    I so appreciated his stubbornness, how he stood in his truth and the pain of the bitterness until I deeply connected with it and could feel it too.

    It feels very moving to me. I feel glad that I didn’t go to a loud party tonight. My own physical pain has subsided, and it feels very peaceful here. I feel a huge amount of faith that the Universe is in perfect divine order right now.

    Hugs and love to everyone, and happy 2010 🙂