Rori, Will you please be more explicit with your examples.. about what’s the true feminine way & what’s passive aggression?
– I know this cannot possibly feel clear for every situation – because each situation might require a completely different “Script” for you to use!
This is because it’s all about your “vibe,” and what’s underneath your words, that counts! Sometimes, … Read more and leave a comment or question for Rori »
Have you ever wondered why your man – ANY man – is just standing there instead of moving toward you?
Why he’s practically ignoring you?
Hearing all those men on this season’s “Bachelorette” talk about each other – about the “fraternity” of men – where the agreement is to “not” compete for a woman (DeAnna, this season) just made me shake my head. Actually, my mouth hung open, and when they panned the audience of women to see their reactions – they all felt just as I did. They were completely shaken by hearing the men talk as if the WOMAN was supposed to come to THEM!
What are they thinking?
For instance, they couldn’t stand Jeremy’s competitive nature, where he was always interrupting the other guy’s time with DeAnna, always trying to get close to her.
When the show’s host asked them if they were “jealous” – they all said NO – loudly, and all the women in the audience started laughing.
So – is your man supposed to just stand there, not coming toward you? Is it TRUE he’s feeling like he’s NOT SUPPOSED TO?
Absolutely not. The men on the show who couldn’t move toward DeAnna either were completely incapable of it, by having some “Toxic” issues where they simply can’t even SEE another person as anything but an extension of themselves and someone to fulfill THEIR needs (this is called “Narcissism,” and a bunch of other psychological labels – and there are so many degrees of all these, and we all are a bit Narcissistic, so I don’t want to go around “labeling” any man – we can talk about Narcissistic men in later posts), or who weren’t truly INTERESTED in her.
The “not truly interested in her” part is where we can actually WORK – if what we’re doing is PUSHING HIM AWAY.
So – if he’s not coming toward you, he either can’t – or he doesn’t want to. Simple, clear. He can make all the excuses in the world, he can be clueless, he can say he’s afraid, and he can say he’s “hemmed in” by some unspoken brotherhood of men where he doesn’t know what to do.
So – what are we women to do? How do we get a man to come toward us? Or are we doomed to always approach a man?
My whole philosophy and all my Tools are about creating the “space,” the “vibe,” the “safety” and the INSPIRATION that will make a man move past his fears, his conditioning, the situation he’s in, and anything else that might be holding him back – and move to you and CLAIM YOU.
You don’t have to do anything.
DeAnna made some mistakes – like the fatal Barbeque where she showed up unannounced when all the guys were hanging out on the patio and ended up being IGNORED, telling them all off in an emotional, dramatic outburst, and stomping off.
But you don’t have to deal with that.
There are so many, so much better ways to relate to a man that will make him come TO you instead of HANG BACK – if he CAN.
My Reconnect Your Relationship program is a total How-To for reversing the situation – for making a “hanging back” man WANT to come toward you – to actually CHASE YOU DOWN.
If you’ve got “Reconnect,” let me know how it’s helping you.
My husband once seemed like a mystery I couldn’t solve, like a puzzle with missing pieces, and with a brick wall where his heart should be. He seemed impossible to get to know – and more important – impossible for me to show my real, true self to.
A minute ago, he walked by me with an air that reeked of “cold” to me. My first instinct is to anger – “How dare you!” I want to scream. “If you want to talk to me, come to me – don’t make me follow you around!” And then I got it…
What I “got” was that my husband going “cold” is either:
- He’s angry and upset with me, and doesn’t know how to say it; or,
- He’s angry and upset with something that has NOTHING to do with me.
So – the “old” me would jump right in imagining that this is all about ME.
I’d go over everything that happened with us in the last 24 hours, and try to fix it by thinking up something nice to do for him – like suggesting something fun to do, or initiating affection or sex, or just plain chatting to “lighten” the mood.
I’d go into “Overfunctioning” mode, which would just push him away more.
Or – I’d get angry right back. “What right does he have to get all ‘moody’ with me?” I’d ask myself.
Sound familiar? I’d jump right into “defensive thinking.”
Now (and I’ve been able to do this since I turned my marriage around nearly 15 years ago), I just go do something for myself that feels GREAT.
I breathe, I use my Tools to regain my sense of Power and get back into my body, my heart and my life.
Usually, within an hour, my husband chases ME down and starts a conversation.
Do these 5 things when you find yourself in this same situation:
- Catch yourself wherever you are, whatever you’re thinking or feeling that’s a reaction to what your man is doing – for example: either feeling angry, defensive, frightened that he’s losing interest, or starting to “Overfunction” (offering him something like food, or a massage, or asking him how he’s feeling, or picking up after him…)
- Stop. Just absolutely STOP.
- Stand totally still and Find Your Feelings – for now just see if you can find a feeling or a sensation in your body. It will help you feel more grounded, and stop you from following your normal pattern of reacting to him in ways that don’t work.
- Turn around. Find something to do for YOU.
If you’re feeling uncomfortable and strange when you do this – GREAT!
It means you’re on your way to shifting your relationship. Let me know how it feels for you to “ignore” your man, and I’d love to know what he does, so be sure to comment here.
I went to dinner the other night with a family who’s raised 5 sons and daughters – all in college now. Since my daughter is that age now, I had a lot of questions to ask – mostly about relationships when you’re that young. I wanted to know how times have changed and get a little insight into what my daughter is dealing with out there. (I met her sons and daughter that night, and the sons were fantastic, and her daughter had a nice boyfriend.)
It seems to me that the men around my daughter now are so much more passive than what I remember – or at least that’s what my daughter and her friends say, but this woman, who’d seen WAY more than I, put me straight.
She said – “Girls don’t have to do ANYTHING! Girls are MAGNETS!”
And she was so confident, so sure about herself and her mothering and how her kids had turned out – and I realized she’d seen things not only from her daughter’s view, but from her sons’ – she’d seen their, and their friends’, and whole bunches of boys’ points of view.
So I took away that my Rori Raye methods work for ALL ages, and that boys and men are pretty much exactly as they always were. Men still want to feel like men and act like men in the most old-fashioned way. And girls – all girls, are magnets.
So how can I give you something to DO that’s about NOT doing ANYTHING?
- Picture yourself as a Magnet for men. See yourself that way from the outside.
- Picture men running toward you from everywhere, pushing and shoving each other aside to get to you…
- Now go INSIDE your picture and IMAGINE yourself DRAWING in men from everywhere – like a magnet you hold on the beach draws in thousands of little pieces of iron from the sand.
- Now imagine that all you have to do is SMILE, and men will drop from the skies, fly at you from everywhere, and STICK to you like glue.
- The next step is to simply EXPERIENCE how it FEELS to be a magnet (If you’re doing it full-out, it might feel uncomfortable and downright scary…)
I want you to do this small baby-step 24/7 – wherever you are, however you feel. KNOW that you already ARE a magnet -just because you’re a girl! (It doesn’t matter what age you think you are – you’re a girl, and you don’t have to do anything but BE what you already are!
If you’ve seen the Sex and the City movie, you likely have strong opinions about it – I wasn’t transported by the film, but I thought the way all the characters have transformed over the last season, and now in the movie was remarkable for us to work with.
Where Carrie was once “prickly,” cigarette in hand – almost hard and brittle in the way she related to all the men in her life, now she’s totally “soft” – in a very lovely way. This “softening started to happen in the last season (we’ll talk about how she handled all these men in different posts).
So here’s “Carrie’s Tools,” in honor of her:
- Stand perfectly still
- Look your man in the eye
- Lean your body back (put one foot in front of the other so you don’t fall over)
- Trust yourself – that no matter what happens, what he says or does, you’ll be alright, and that you’re better off always telling the truth than hiding ANYTHING.
- Let your eyes go fuzzy, so you can go INSIDE yourself
- Open your mouth and let a sound come out – “Ahhhh,” or “Ohhhh”
- Be very aware of what you’re focusing on – ask yourself – am I thinking about me and what I’m doing? Or am I listening to him – over where he is, and just experiencing? Your goal is to totally Stop Thinking, so as soon as you become aware you’re thinking about you and what you’re saying next or what the things he’s saying are bringing up in you, and then sort of bounce the ball of your attention over to where HE’S at – you’ll be AUTOMATICALLY experiencing.
You can really see how this was working for Carrie in the first part of the movie, where they set up Carrie and Big’s relationship. Instead of always wondering and worrying how Big was going to behave and how it was all going to turn out – or getting angry and feeling resentful all the time, she’s completely RELAXED around him. She’s no longer sarcastic, no longer holding him at arm’s length, no longer following him around. She radiates confidence and ease.
We’ll break down the specifics of every step on how to do this every day in these posts, and for now, just try my “Tools for Carrie” (and refer here to my “Rori”s Rules” post – it’s the bottom line of “Rules”).
It took Carrie 6 Seasons and a Sex In The City movie to get it right, but with Carrie’s 9 Rules, you get it right in 6 Minutes. Try this on the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker, the man next door, the man at the dry cleaners or the man you love. So, next time ANY man looks at you, speaks to you, or moves toward you, I want you to follow Carrie’s Rules to the letter, and let me know what happens.
It’s impossible to know what it feels like for DeAnna on the Bachelorette. The stress must be intense, and the pool of men she has to choose from are not amazing. At least two of the men, Jason and Jeremy, seem like actual grown-ups, but neither seems to have the ease and masculinity it would take to forge a relationship with DeAnna – who likes to call all the shots and hang out in her masculine energy. She acts more like the hostess, telling the men where they should be, what they should do, driving to them, getting places first to greet them, and even driving them around!
Is it any wonder the man she’s most obviously attracted to – Graham, who’s sexy for sure – is the one LEAST able to even KNOW what a relationship is? Much less BE in one? Or commit to one? Or ask DeAnna to commit to HIM?
I have my fingers crossed that she’s totally aware of what’s going on, and that she’s choosing between Jason and Jeremy while holding on to the two men (Graham and Jesse) who she feels most comfortable taking all the way to the end and then dropping. She’s made this whole season about never leading anyone on the way she was led on last year, when she was the presumed favorite and then dumped.
So – what are the red flags for Jesse and Graham?
Jesse is a professional snowboard competitor, a man who travels the world, in a world where there are women groupies following his every move. Does DeAnna seem like the type of woman to pack up and follow her man across the globe, watching him compete, watching the girls surround him? Not likely.
And then Graham – a man who’s never been in a relationship that lasted more than a few months, who is almost totally focused on himself. A man who makes DeAnna feel, more than anything, a YEARNING for him (she described it as the feeling of a girlhood “crush,” with tons of chemistry.)
Okay – this is great if what you’re looking for is a fantastic affair. This is amazing stuff – these feelings. What makes these last episodes worth watching is to see whether DeAnna chooses feeling “loved” – as she described the way she feels with Jeremy – or feeling “butterflies and yearning.”
Now let’s talk about the masculine, defended parts of DeAnna’s personality that make it so difficult for a truly masculine energy man to want to be with her in a lifelong marriage, and why she seems so attracted to immature and emotionally unavailable men, and – most important – how she seems, right before our eyes, to be working through those problems with the men on the show…
What IS a perfect man, anyway?
If you believe you’ve ever had one, or have one in your mind, take out a piece of paper and write down the “qualities” you think made him “perfect” or WILL make him “perfect.”
Now take a look at your list. Maybe you’ve written down things like “attractive (or even handsome), financially secure, sensitive, likes animals, generous…”
Well, my Rules are this (actually – it’s just one Rule to start): It doesn’t matter what you’ve written on the list, or how good he looks on paper, or even how good he looks in real life. His qualities DON’T MATTER.
The only thing that matters is this entry on your list: “When I’m with him, and even when I’m NOT with him – I feel loved, cared for, happy and secure. “ That’s it.
Who he is and How he is mean nothing. How you FEEL with a man is ALL that counts. And I don’t mean how you feel about HIM. I don’t mean how much YOU love HIM, or how excited you feel, or how much “chemistry” there is, or how much “fun” you have together, or how great sex is, or how much you have “in common.” None of that means ANYTHING. We’re often devastatingly attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable or not mature enough to truly be in a committed, real relationship, and then end up literally devastated.
The only thing that means anything is how you feel about YOURSELF in his presence.
So take out your piece of paper and turn it over. Now write a list of how you want to FEEL about YOURSELF in your “perfect” RELATIONSHIP! (Remember – this is about the Relationship, not about the man.) Let me know how it feels to look at relationship this way, and we’ll talk more and more about how all this works.
When DeAnna dumped Graham on The Bachelorette, we could all see how difficult it was for her to go against her natural, chemical connection to him – her DESIRE for him, and to GIVE UP on the idea that she could somehow MAKE HIM be the kind of man she wanted and needed for the “long haul.”
But she did – and she did it knowing that she was taking the chance of settling for one of the remaining 3 men that she DID NOT feel IN LOVE WITH yet.
Her feelings had been focused on Graham, and now all she could do was HOPE that one of the other men would somehow get her heart fired up.
So – how can this help YOU?
Well, if this were normal life, DeAnna would probably be dating Graham for months and months and months – maybe even years – before she felt forced to decide to keep him or not.
And so would almost all of us, with a man we really “felt” a lot for, like DeAnna so obviously did for Graham. In fact you may be finding yourself in that situation right now, where you’re HOPING your man will turn into the kind of man who can actually LOVE you, and not just have “feelings” for you.
In real life, as long as HE didn’t break it off, DeAnna probably would make excuses for Graham, and be understanding even while she was getting angry and telling him so.
But here – under the pressure of the TV show, knowing she had only weeks to either end up on the stage with the right man, or chance ending up onstage with a man who would reject her in front of the world, like Brad did the season before, she decided to UNDO all her old patterns of following “chemistry” and “infatuation,” and instead follow the road of what felt GOOD.
She decided to go with the men who made her feel GOOD and SECURE – and like they actually WANTED to offer her EXACTLY what she said she wanted – marriage and family.
Now, DeAnna is only 26. She actually has PLENTY of time to find that right man.
But she said to the camera “I’m tired of dating men who don’t know what they want.” And then she said – I don’t want to be spending my life begging Graham to fall in love with me.”
That is just about the most powerful statement I’ve ever heard a woman say – and then to back it up by eliminating him – DESPITE the powerful feelings she had for him – well that’s just amazing.
So, take a page from DeAnna’s new-found self-esteem.
Break your own patterns of following men who don’t know what they want, and who set it up so that it’s YOU who waits for them to fall in love.
To help you, try out my Toxic Men program. It’s a truly amazing program – with exercises and interactive Tools that will help you change all your old patterns with men, teach you to speak to a man in a powerful way that will bring him close instead of pushing him away, and learn exactly where you actually are in your relationship right now.
DeAnna was able to see the truth, make a decision that what Graham was offering her was just more of the same heartache, and strike out on a new road that will lead to her Happy Ever After.
Take strength and hope from what DeAnna did – I know you can get the same clarity she got, and learning to say NO to what you don’t want is often the first HUGE step to getting what you DO want.
What would you do if you were in an artificial situation like The Bachelorette, where you had to make decisions about a man FAST, and if you made the wrong one you could lose Mr. Right forever?
And what if, like this season’s Bachelorette DeAnna, you were falling for the one man who seemed to be the worst bet for a husband?
I mean, how do you go against your gut? Go against “Chemistry”?
How do you keep from second-guessing yourself and trying to analyze things and figure out what’s going on with a man when it’s just too soon to really know him, and you’ve always made such bad choices in men before?
Watching DeAnna agonize over her situation was totally amazing. You felt sure she was going to go down the road of following her “attraction” and “infatuation” and stick with Graham – the emotionally underdeveloped and unavailable man who she nevertheless felt the strongest “connection” with and the strongest attraction to.
And then – she changed her life.
In one moment, she made a decision that UNDID all her years of getting “led on” by men who were charming and attractive but couldn’t commit to her with their whole hearts.
What did she do?
She dumped Graham.
And during that minute when they required her to sit down and talk with him in front of the cameras, she was SO ANGRY!
She tried to tell him what had happened, that she was eliminating him NOT because SHE didn’t have feelings for him, but because she was getting that HE didn’t have the same feelings for HER!
It took her three tries to get that across, each time getting more and more frustrated trying to explain that she was falling in love with him and how hard this was for her, but that she simply did not want to take the chance of being humiliated again, and yet Graham still didn’t seem to understand.
He left a note for her – and hopefully we’ll find out what it said, that made DeAnna question her decision – but she stuck with it.
So – why was this so important, and what can we ALL learn from DeAnna? In the next posts, I’ll be talking about how what DeAnna did can work for YOU.