Embracing Oneness: The Key to Overcoming Anger and Separation

By Rori Raye

When we recognize that we are all interconnected, it becomes easier to care about yourself, and more automatically see others with compassion (even when they don’t behave the way we want).

The Illusion of Separation

Often, we go through life seeing others as separate from us.

This sense of separation creates fear, resentment, and anger.

We view others as competitors or threats, leading to conflict and isolation.

For me, though – this separation is an illusion.

In reality, we are all part of the same fabric of existence.

Embracing Oneness

Embracing the concept of oneness means recognizing that we are all interconnected.

What affects one person affects us all.

This awareness fosters empathy and reduces negative emotions like anger and resentment.

When we see others as part of ourselves, treating them with kindness and compassion becomes natural.

The Redwood Metaphor

Consider the Redwood trees, which are all connected through their root systems.

Despite being individual trees, they form a single organism, sharing resources and support.

For me, humans are interconnected in the same way – and actually interconnected with the Redwoods, chipmunks, everything and everyone – and our actions and emotions affect the whole.

Practical Steps to Embrace Oneness

1. Practice Empathy: Put yourself in others’ shoes and try understanding their experiences and emotions. This practice deepens your sense of connection.

2. Mindfulness: Stay present and observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment. This awareness helps you see the interconnectedness of all things.

3. Compassion Meditation: For me, meditation isn’t a “thing”, the way we’ve all come to think of “meditation”.

It doesn’t mean sitting down and “meditating” – it also sort of changes the meaning and “action” of “focusing” – that’s shifts it from a masculine energy “efforting” concept to a Feminine feeling idea – simply about where you choose to “pay attention” – and that generates compassion for yourself and others.

4. Community Engagement: Get involved in community activities that promote unity and collaboration. Working together for a common cause strengthens the sense of oneness.

5.  Judgments: Catch yourself when you’re judging others. It just means you’re judging YOU!.

You and everyone else is on their own unique journey, and we all have no idea what the “end result” is supposed to be – we’re just doing our best in the moment.

The more skills you get about feeling your feelings and speaking in ways that reflect your commitment to love instead of a commitment to fear and anger – the better you’re going to feel.

Transforming Anger

Anger often comes up from a sense of separation and injustice.

By embracing oneness, you can transform this anger into compassion and understanding.

When you recognize that others’ actions stem from their own pain and struggles, responding with empathy rather than anger becomes easier.

Embracing oneness is a powerful way to overcome anger and feelings of separation.

Recognizing our interconnectedness can cultivate empathy, compassion, and a more harmonious existence.

We’re all part of the same fabric of life, and treating others with kindness and understanding benefits us all.

Love, Rori

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Turn What Makes You Cry Into What Makes Him Love You

By Rori Raye

Ever weep when you see a baby animal? Ever thought that would turn your man off, so you look away from him or get all embarrassed?

Well, that’s what we independent, smart, organized, successful, always busy with work, school or parenting women have been taught to do our whole lives – to be “tough.”

Some of us are lucky, and grew up in households where it was okay to cry – most of us were told to “pipe down.” We have the idea in our heads that it’s only MEN who were told growing up that “crying is s sign of weakness” – but we women were told that, too. We were told to not be “so emotional.” We were told not to “be a Drama Queen.” And so every time a real FEELING starts to come to the surface, we feel so vulnerable, and so embarrassed, we either stuff the feeling down or helplessly explode in dramatic scenes whenever we feel crummy.

So how does this affect your relationship with your man? If what we were told were right, we’d create more peace and harmony and good feelings by keeping our feelings under wraps – but it does just the opposite!

Not being able to open up to a man creates a WALL between you. It makes him unable to get to you – to your heart – and after a while he just gives up trying. There’s just no way a man can feel safe enough to open HIMSELF up to YOU if you can’t open up to him, and show him who you are – first.

Yes, a man might have a difficult moment or two around us when we cry, but within seconds, he’s usually RELIEVED. And, ultimately, it’s what both of you need.

So, next time you see a movie that makes you cry, or see a cute animal picture in an email, or think of some injustice in the world that makes you want to cry and then spit in fury – turn to your man.

Let the tears run down your face, and just be still and don’t apologize. This is what he wants to see – this is what he wants – a woman who can feel, so that HE can feel safe to feel in YOUR presence.

Next post will be “The Emotional Orgasm: How To Do it By Yourself or With Others” – showing you how to break through the embarrassment of being vulnerable by learning to cry by yourself – and feeling comfortable, relieved, stronger, and even more YOURSELF when you do…

Let me know how your tears affect your man…

Love,
Rori

How Carrie Got “Big” and You Can Get the Man of Your Dreams, Too

By Rori Raye

If you’ve seen the Sex and the City movie, you likely have strong opinions about it – I wasn’t transported by the film, but I thought the way all the characters have transformed over the last season, and now in the movie was remarkable for us to work with.

Where Carrie was once “prickly,” cigarette in hand – almost hard and brittle in the way she related to all the men in her life, now she’s totally “soft” – in a very lovely way. This “softening started to happen in the last season (we’ll talk about how she handled all these men in different posts).

So here’s “Carrie’s Tools,” in honor of her:

  1. Stand perfectly still
  2. Breathe
  3. Look your man in the eye
  4. Lean your body back (put one foot in front of the other so you don’t fall over)
  5. Trust yourself – that no matter what happens, what he says or does, you’ll be alright, and that you’re better off always telling the truth than hiding ANYTHING.
  6. Smile
  7. Let your eyes go fuzzy, so you can go INSIDE yourself
  8. Open your mouth and let a sound come out – “Ahhhh,” or “Ohhhh”
  9. Be very aware of what you’re focusing on – ask yourself – am I thinking about me and what I’m doing? Or am I listening to him – over where he is, and just experiencing? Your goal is to totally Stop Thinking, so as soon as you become aware you’re thinking about you and what you’re saying next or what the things he’s saying are bringing up in you, and then sort of bounce the ball of your attention over to where HE’S at – you’ll be AUTOMATICALLY experiencing.

You can really see how this was working for Carrie in the first part of the movie, where they set up Carrie and Big’s relationship. Instead of always wondering and worrying how Big was going to behave and how it was all going to turn out – or getting angry and feeling resentful all the time, she’s completely RELAXED around him. She’s no longer sarcastic, no longer holding him at arm’s length, no longer following him around. She radiates confidence and ease.

We’ll break down the specifics of every step on how to do this every day in these posts, and for now, just try my “Tools for Carrie” (and refer here to my “Rori”s Rules” post – it’s the bottom line of “Rules”).

It took Carrie 6 Seasons and a Sex In The City movie to get it right, but with Carrie’s 9 Rules, you get it right in 6 Minutes. Try this on the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker, the man next door, the man at the dry cleaners or the man you love. So, next time ANY man looks at you, speaks to you, or moves toward you, I want you to follow Carrie’s Rules to the letter, and let me know what happens.

Love,
Rori

Is DeAnna Too Masculine On The Bachelorette?

By Rori Raye

It’s impossible to know what it feels like for DeAnna on the Bachelorette. The stress must be intense, and the pool of men she has to choose from are not amazing. At least two of the men, Jason and Jeremy, seem like actual grown-ups, but neither seems to have the ease and masculinity it would take to forge a relationship with DeAnna – who likes to call all the shots and hang out in her masculine energy. She acts more like the hostess, telling the men where they should be, what they should do, driving to them, getting places first to greet them, and even driving them around!

Is it any wonder the man she’s most obviously attracted to – Graham, who’s sexy for sure – is the one LEAST able to even KNOW what a relationship is? Much less BE in one? Or commit to one? Or ask DeAnna to commit to HIM?

I have my fingers crossed that she’s totally aware of what’s going on, and that she’s choosing between Jason and Jeremy while holding on to the two men (Graham and Jesse) who she feels most comfortable taking all the way to the end and then dropping. She’s made this whole season about never leading anyone on the way she was led on last year, when she was the presumed favorite and then dumped.

So – what are the red flags for Jesse and Graham?

Jesse is a professional snowboard competitor, a man who travels the world, in a world where there are women groupies following his every move. Does DeAnna seem like the type of woman to pack up and follow her man across the globe, watching him compete, watching the girls surround him? Not likely.

And then Graham – a man who’s never been in a relationship that lasted more than a few months, who is almost totally focused on himself. A man who makes DeAnna feel, more than anything, a YEARNING for him (she described it as the feeling of a girlhood “crush,” with tons of chemistry.)

Okay – this is great if what you’re looking for is a fantastic affair. This is amazing stuff – these feelings. What makes these last episodes worth watching is to see whether DeAnna chooses feeling “loved” – as she described the way she feels with Jeremy – or feeling “butterflies and yearning.”

Now let’s talk about the masculine, defended parts of DeAnna’s personality that make it so difficult for a truly masculine energy man to want to be with her in a lifelong marriage, and why she seems so attracted to immature and emotionally unavailable men, and – most important – how she seems, right before our eyes, to be working through those problems with the men on the show…

Love,
Rori

Rori Raye’s Rules For Landing The Perfect Man

By Rori Raye

What IS a perfect man, anyway?

If you believe you’ve ever had one, or have one in your mind, take out a piece of paper and write down the “qualities” you think made him “perfect” or WILL make him “perfect.”

Now take a look at your list. Maybe you’ve written down things like “attractive (or even handsome), financially secure, sensitive, likes animals, generous…”

Well, my Rules are this (actually – it’s just one Rule to start): It doesn’t matter what you’ve written on the list, or how good he looks on paper, or even how good he looks in real life. His qualities DON’T MATTER.

The only thing that matters is this entry on your list: “When I’m with him, and even when I’m NOT with him – I feel loved, cared for, happy and secure. “ That’s it.

Who he is and How he is mean nothing. How you FEEL with a man is ALL that counts. And I don’t mean how you feel about HIM. I don’t mean how much YOU love HIM, or how excited you feel, or how much “chemistry” there is, or how much “fun” you have together, or how great sex is, or how much you have “in common.” None of that means ANYTHING. We’re often devastatingly attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable or not mature enough to truly be in a committed, real relationship, and then end up literally devastated.

The only thing that means anything is how you feel about YOURSELF in his presence.

So take out your piece of paper and turn it over. Now write a list of how you want to FEEL about YOURSELF in your “perfect” RELATIONSHIP! (Remember – this is about the Relationship, not about the man.) Let me know how it feels to look at relationship this way, and we’ll talk more and more about how all this works.

Love,

Rori Raye

How You Can Change Your Love Life Like DeAnna The Bachelorette

By Rori Raye

When DeAnna dumped Graham on The Bachelorette, we could all see how difficult it was for her to go against her natural, chemical connection to him – her DESIRE for him, and to GIVE UP on the idea that she could somehow MAKE HIM be the kind of man she wanted and needed for the “long haul.”

But she did – and she did it knowing that she was taking the chance of settling for one of the remaining 3 men that she DID NOT feel IN LOVE WITH yet.

Her feelings had been focused on Graham, and now all she could do was HOPE that one of the other men would somehow get her heart fired up.

So – how can this help YOU?

Well, if this were normal life, DeAnna would probably be dating Graham for months and months and months – maybe even years – before she felt forced to decide to keep him or not.

And so would almost all of us, with a man we really “felt” a lot for, like DeAnna so obviously did for Graham. In fact you may be finding yourself in that situation right now, where you’re HOPING your man will turn into the kind of man who can actually LOVE you, and not just have “feelings” for you.

In real life, as long as HE didn’t break it off, DeAnna probably would make excuses for Graham, and be understanding even while she was getting angry and telling him so.

But here – under the pressure of the TV show, knowing she had only weeks to either end up on the stage with the right man, or chance ending up onstage with a man who would reject her in front of the world, like Brad did the season before, she decided to UNDO all her old patterns of following “chemistry” and “infatuation,” and instead follow the road of what felt GOOD.

She decided to go with the men who made her feel GOOD and SECURE – and like they actually WANTED to offer her EXACTLY what she said she wanted – marriage and family.

Now, DeAnna is only 26.  She actually has PLENTY of time to find that right man.

But she said to the camera “I’m tired of dating men who don’t know what they want.”  And then she said – I don’t want to be spending my life begging Graham to fall in love with me.”

That is just about the most powerful statement I’ve ever heard a woman say – and then to back it up by eliminating him – DESPITE the powerful feelings she had for him – well that’s just amazing.

So, take a page from DeAnna’s new-found self-esteem.

Break your own patterns of following men who don’t know what they want, and who set it up so that it’s YOU who waits for them to fall in love.

To help you, try out my Toxic Men program.  It’s a truly amazing program – with exercises and interactive Tools that will help you change all your old patterns with men, teach you to speak to a man in a powerful way that will bring him close instead of pushing him away, and learn exactly where you actually are in your relationship right now.

DeAnna was able to see the truth, make a decision that what Graham was offering her was just more of the same heartache, and strike out on a new road that will lead to her Happy Ever After.

Take strength and hope from what DeAnna did – I know you can get the same clarity she got, and learning to say NO to what you don’t want is often the first HUGE step to getting what you DO want.

Love, Rori

How DeAnna Changed Her Life & Rocked The Bachelorette – Part 2

By Rori Raye

What would you do if you were in an artificial situation like The Bachelorette, where you had to make decisions about a man FAST, and if you made the wrong one you could lose Mr. Right forever?

And what if, like this season’s Bachelorette DeAnna, you were falling for the one man who seemed to be the worst bet for a husband?

I mean, how do you go against your gut?  Go against “Chemistry”?

How do you keep from second-guessing yourself and trying to analyze things and figure out what’s going on with a man when it’s just too soon to really know him, and you’ve always made such bad choices in men before?

Watching DeAnna agonize over her situation was totally amazing.  You felt sure she was going to go down the road of following her “attraction” and “infatuation” and stick with Graham – the emotionally underdeveloped and unavailable man who she nevertheless felt the strongest “connection” with and the strongest attraction to.

And then – she changed her life.

In one moment, she made a decision that UNDID all her years of getting “led on” by men who were charming and attractive but couldn’t commit to her with their whole hearts.

What did she do?

She dumped Graham.

And during that minute when they required her to sit down and talk with him in front of the cameras, she was SO ANGRY!

She tried to tell him what had happened, that she was eliminating him NOT because SHE didn’t have feelings for him, but because she was getting that HE didn’t have the same feelings for HER!

It took her three tries to get that across, each time getting more and more frustrated trying to explain that she was falling in love with him and how hard this was for her, but that she simply did not want to take the chance of being humiliated again, and yet Graham still didn’t seem to understand.

He left a note for her – and hopefully we’ll find out what it said, that made DeAnna question her decision – but she stuck with it.

So – why was this so important, and what can we ALL learn from DeAnna? In the next posts, I’ll be talking about how what DeAnna did can work for YOU.

How DeAnna Rocked The Bachelorette – Part 1

By Rori Raye

I haven’t seen the ending yet, and I don’t know which man DeAnna – this season’s “Bachelorette” – is going to choose and how it will work out for her, but I do know this – on last night’s show, DeAnna did the work of about 10 years of therapy, completely changed the way she relates to and chooses men, and basically changed her life forever.

That’s a lot to say – and my mouth just hung open watching her make an extremely painful decision.

If you haven’t seen the episode yet, here’s what happened:

DeAnna had the field narrowed down to 4 men – and it was totally obvious to EVERYONE that she was incredibly attracted to one particular man – Graham.  She even told the camera that she was “falling in love with Graham.” She talked about how “hot” he was and how much “chemistry” there was, and what a “connection” they had.

And yet – Graham was demonstrating for all of us to see what an emotionally immature, emotionally unavailable, almost “narcissistic” man is like.

He was always in his own head, heart and body, was clearly not even THINKING about what DeAnna was dealing with, totally leaning back and away from her, obviously non-committal, and YET – totally charming, sexy, sweet and adorable.

He was EXACTLY the kind of man so many of us are attracted to – and for DeAnna – he was EXACTLY the kind of man SHE’S attracted to.

So, here she was, this season’s “Bachelorette,” with her very own chance to choose a husband from 25 great candidates. And here she was – hung up on the one man – Graham – who was behaving just like the man – Brad – who’d dumped her on TV in front of millions on last season’s “Bachelor.”

She’d felt devastated and humiliated after Brad had sent her home without the engagement ring she’d been expecting.  Even months later she said she was still in love with him and would take him back – though we ALL knew he had no serious interest in her at all.

So, here she was, about to REPEAT the same humiliation of falling for the one man who was NOT chasing after her, not saying loving things, talking only about himself, and leaning AWAY from her instead of TOWARD her.

In their date together, it was painful to watch DeAnna leaning in, trying to keep the conversation going, when we could ALL feel the tension between them – with him leaning away from her, not looking her in the eye, and making NO ATTEMPT to keep HER interest.

As they said goodnight, DeAnna told us that even though it hadn’t “gone well,” she still had all these powerful “feelings” for him.

What would YOU do?

How To Know If You're His Woman - Or His Delivery Girl...

by Rori Raye  March 1, 2017

When was the last time you felt completely at ease with a man?

Where you felt totally secure in the knowledge that he loves you, totally sure he appreciates you, and feeling that cozy warmth inside because all your needs for love and romance are being met by him?

Or does that seem like a dream? A fantasy?

Here's a way to help that dream turn real - a way of looking at everything that shows up, no matter how your first reaction is to it:

The "It's Not About Me" Tool"

Julia wrote me:

"Dear Rori - when my boyfriend asks me to do stuff for him, I just feel so resentful. I (read more here...)