Please Don’t Let A Breakup Lead You To Hopelessness

Untitled design (14)

relationshipThe Question:

“Hi Rori,

Just an update…Jim was here for the weekend but just broke up with me, saying he didn’t want a committed relationship, couldn’t give me what I needed.

I am feeling heartbroken and devastated after 6 months of what seemed so hopeful. I’m also shocked that he told me at the end of the weekend, when I asked him if everything was ok on Friday and he said yes.

I’m thinking now that after all these disappointments I am never going to be happy in a relationship and it seems hopeless to try.

Any words of wisdom much appreciated.

Love, ReAnne”

My Answer:

ReAnne, Hi, and I’m so sorry – and perhaps there’s nothing more to this than that he isn’t ready? Or you and he are not the best match? Or he needs some time to miss you, want you, and see you for the amazing woman you are?

The way I see your hopelessness transforming into success in love is Circular Dating – and using my Tools with real men in a sort of “laboratory” out there in the world.

As you know, I see the exclusivity of any relationship as difficult for any woman to manage with the required “coolness” and “steely” resolve inside.

Most women I know and have worked with simply need a balance of “security” and “freedom” that requires a firm foundation of security in ORDER to feel free! (And men are like this, also – but in different ways, and all individually.)

In my world, exclusivity and “investment” in a man breeds insecurity and “carefulness.”

And insecurity and “carefulness” threaten your authenticity and spontaneity.

The more we’re invested in a man, the more we fear being ourselves.

The more fear we create, feed (and invent, too!) – the stiffer we get. The harder it is to feel fluid, strong, easy-going and hopeful.

Unless a man seems utterly smitten with us (and then we tend to not be so interested in HIM) – so “true blue” and ready to commit to life-partnership – fear always shows up.

AND in order to meet a man who can truly “get” you and want you – the important thing is to feel like you’re being your absolute, true self – warts and all.

A huge help in becoming and feeling more yourself – your deepest, most serene, emotional self (without “drama”), no matter what – is creating a new “voice” for yourself through my “Poetry” and Feeling Message Tools.

This breeds, creates, feeds (and invents, too!) a feeling of inner “congruency” and – yes, peace.

And peace is always good-feeling.

A peaceful -feeling, emotionally congruent woman is so attractive to every man (to every person!) – she’ll never have to wonder about “What do I say?” It won’t matter. The “vibe” is there.

I KNOW you can have what you want.

Feeling helpless and hopeless are simply moments where fear is winning out, piled on top of each other until fear wins the day, then the week….it’s simply a “track” you can walk off of.

If you were to walk yourself through my “The Tunnel” Tool every minute of every day, if you were to do my “Scaffolding” Tool every other minute of every day and immerse yourself in my “Being Present” Tools like “Listening To Him” and “Touching Objects” 24/7 – you would see a huge change in how you feel and how men see you, in a matter of days.

This isn’t about “Turning Around” a relationship that’s now faltering (but it can work for that!) – it’s about changing your “vibe” in a way that will BRING IN a man who’s right for you, who appreciates and loves you, and who wants the same kind of commitment you do.

Love, Rori

Posted in

324 Comments

  1.  #1Linda on September 20, 2013 at 7:38 am

    A peaceful -feeling, emotionally congruent woman …

    What a beautiful woman these words describe in my spirit.

    THis is the woman I want to become.



  2.  #2Mercedes on September 20, 2013 at 7:40 am

    This is what I think every coach’s work should be about:

    “This isn’t about “Turning Around” a relationship that’s now faltering (but it can work for that!) – it’s about changing your “vibe” in a way that will BRING IN a man who’s right for you, who appreciates and loves you, and who wants the same kind of commitment you do.”

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  3.  #3Linda on September 20, 2013 at 7:57 am

    I was having lots of days where fear was winning out. I was shutdown and miserable. Yes my relationship with FavoriteCD as is was going was a part of my fear fest.

    I love it when Rori sheds light on what it is. “Simply a track you can walk off of “…. it takes all the teeth out of fear for me.



  4.  #4surferchica on September 20, 2013 at 8:15 am

    Rori, which product has all those tools? They sound amazing.



  5.  #5Veronica on September 20, 2013 at 8:39 am

    I’m realising that my talking tends to be one step away from really speaking from my fee;ings – and this sentence is exactly an example of that. Maybe I could try:
    I can feel when I talk that it’s one step away from myself. I want to speak from in me. I wonder if because of that that I’m denying even myself my truth. I feel pleasant discovering this, yet also I feel tempted to console myself.

    That feels much closer.



  6.  #6Veronica on September 20, 2013 at 8:40 am

    *feelings



  7.  #7Lisa on September 20, 2013 at 10:15 am

    I had this ah ha moment today….

    I’m afraid of suffocation… wanting too much from me…

    that has to be why I attract distant and emotionally unavailable men…

    I fear them coming towards me too much, it scares me.. OH MYGOSH

    I’m feeling it without judgement now… the fear and tears that come up when a man really really wants me…

    it’s also a fear of having what I want… and being afraid of losing it…

    OMG… breathe lisa breathe deeply allow…

    tears, tears….

    if I don’t allow myself to have it, it can’t be taken away….

    OMG

    WOW

    I get shy! really shy! When a man does that.. really turns on his masculine and comes towards me strong… it happened twice with “M”.

    I was being so feminine in the moment and he did it, i became shy, and then he stopped… I didn’t want him to stop, but I guess the shyness was a push away???

    I don’t know what to do with this info now… yet…

    I’m feeling angry that I didn’t get to practice receiving more with “M”…. I’m angry that, he wasn’t the one… I’m angry that… what I had was taken away… I was just starting to really get receiving.

    I’m feeling confused…

    OXOXO



  8.  #8Lisa on September 20, 2013 at 10:42 am

    I’m feeling it…allowing it to come in…

    I’m afraid of being seen… as I am…

    I distract men …. when they do..

    I can’t stand there naked, flaws and all… I’m afraid they won’t want me… ( oh wait! turn that around, “I’m afraid they will want me” – OMG)

    I distract men from my flaws or my vulnerability..

    I get shy b/c I’m embarrassed… to be seen totally vulnerable and as I am…

    I wanted it … I wanted him to continue in-spite of my shyness, embarrassment… I wanted him to…

    I get nervous when a man really really wants me from an inside way… I’m so used to them wanting me from a outer way… I don’t know what to do, when a man is truly interested in me… so I take crumbs when they show the least bit of interest in me…

    When “R” said, I’m mush… I want to know what makes you happy! I’ve never heard that before! Never! Never! have I had anyone ask me, much less a man.. “I want to know what makes you happy”.

    I’m getting bits and pieces of what I want from each of these men.. they just aren’t in one body… perhaps it is preparing me for the one man that will have these qualities all in one…

    I want to be wanted…. by a man so badly that he can’t even imagine letting me go… I know I’m the prize… I’m just not certain any man is going ( that I’m interested in) figure that out…

    Ok… just rambling on now…

    OXOXO



  9.  #9Femininewoman on September 20, 2013 at 11:23 am

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/breakup-divorce/its-over-10-breakup-survival-tips-to-get-you-through-it-sheri-meyers/

    8. Take a 60-second vacation. Thinking relaxing thoughts and verbalizing calming statements starts the healing process and helps you lessen anxiety. Take a deep breath and say out loud, “I am calm. I am safe and I can handle this.” Anything from smelling a flower to petting an animal can help take you away for even a minute, which starts the process of feeling free.



  10.  #10Indigo on September 20, 2013 at 11:50 am

    Lisa 7 & 8

    What I’ve realized is that it’s ok to get there – receiving, opening up, being vulnerable, letting them see all of you – in stages, slowly, at your own pace.

    It IS ok to take your time.

    It is ok to unfold little by little as you feel more comfortable and as you get positive reinforcement from them.

    I had to remind myself of that so that I don’t try to pressure myself into letting all my guards down completely too soon with a man. It is ok to let it happen slowly.



  11.  #11April Rose on September 20, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    Hiya gorgeous ladies!

    After my whining about Rori’s short posting, I feel pretty silly, cos she’s gone and posted loads and I nearly missed the boat!

    It’s either a famine or a feast, as the saying goes. I’ll go for feast any day 🙂



  12.  #12April Rose on September 20, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    I wanted to ask you,

    to help me form a picture…

    of what a real relationship is.

    What does it look like, smell like, feel like?

    I would like a real relationship in which there is closeness and relaxing together before bedtime, and connecting again and cuddling in the morning.

    I live with a man who often works late into the night on his computer. I feel shut out and disconnected. It seems as though we don’t want the same things.



  13.  #13Daria on September 20, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    im talking w FlyByCD that i always forget about lol!

    i really get along w him



  14.  #14Dominique on September 20, 2013 at 1:37 pm

    April Rose – Have you expressed to him how this makes you feel, exactly as you said here?

    xxoo



  15.  #15Cris on September 20, 2013 at 2:06 pm

    “Peace is always good-feeling”. I love it. And think that men can feel if you are in peace
    all my very best wishes



  16.  #16Daria on September 20, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    mmmm this post feels GOOD!

    how do you ladies use the Scaffolding tool?



  17.  #17Vi on September 20, 2013 at 5:16 pm

    I feel peaceful reading this post…



  18.  #18Daria on September 20, 2013 at 5:36 pm

    ok i looked at BookieMan’s page! and i feel gl\ad nothing triggered me and i heard a song he was on…

    and i feel shaky a bit and whew smily and now i fl kinda eyes roll smilly 🙂 and my heart feels fillin up my chest and i feel smily and big kinda joyful

    i lov my fefelings



  19.  #19Lisa on September 20, 2013 at 5:45 pm

    @Indigo Thanks! I needed that… cuz I was thinking that using Rori’s tools I should be all vulnerable all the time with men <3

    OXOXO



  20.  #20Tereana on September 20, 2013 at 10:20 pm

    I love what Rori said about fear and security. That rang so true for me.

    And also this: “the more we invest in a man, the more we fear being ourselves.”

    Wow. That is dead on. And also the reverse : the more he invests in us, the safer we feel being ourselves. AND, the safer we feel being ourselves, independent of a man, the more he will feel inspired to invest in us : )

    At least, that’s what I would say…



  21.  #21Tereana on September 20, 2013 at 10:28 pm

    WOWWW. I am having the most incredible time. And feeling so much peace in myself, even though I need to refill my medication and I’ve missed a few days. Lol.

    This guy in Florida is still texting me a lot. It’s super cute. He was talking about visiting, but said that plane tickets were too expensive. Hm…now I feel like I really want to meet him though. I haven’t told him that yet. I did give him my phone number, though. Unbidden. I just felt like doing it.

    AND. I met a super nice man out walking a dog, while I was just slowly meandering by the water. We walked together and discovered that we are both massage therapists! Yay

    Plus I got a call from an old CD. He wanted to “drop by and say hi” today. But I told him I wasn’t ready (it was very last-minute) and I already had plans (he is going to call me tomorrow).

    And I am kind of a bad girl. I got a call – with a vm – from the guy I met last weekend. But I never returned it. I told him yesterday I didn’t think we should meet. That is true. I’m not sure why, but I’m not getting the best vibe from him. He makes me feel nervous, not in the good way. I am allowed to say no.

    And the piece de resistance: the old guy on a wheelchair behind me in line at the store asked me “when are we getting married?” Lol. He was totally a dirty old guy in a wheelchair. He said “never say never.” It was kind of creepy. But good-natured, I guess. I distracted myself by making conversation with the dad in front of me carrying the cute baby. Haha.



  22.  #22Tereana on September 20, 2013 at 10:33 pm

    Also this : I feel very powerful today. That is because I room a powerful step. After not being hired yesterday for the job I wanted, I had time to think about why it wasn’t the right job for me.

    So today, when they contacted me back and said that I could re-interview, basically starting at the beginning, I said “no thank you.” That felt great. Because if they had wanted me, they could have hired me. And I didn’t want to be “jumping through hoops,” or begging for “crumbs” just to get a job that isn’t really filling my needs in ways that I want. Yeah, I need money right now. But I have time to find what I really need. And when I do, it’s going to be so much better…



  23.  #23Tereana on September 20, 2013 at 10:34 pm

    Haha. I took a powerful step. Lol autocorrect…



  24.  #24Indigo on September 20, 2013 at 11:05 pm

    April Rose 🙂

    I’m not sure what the relationship is between you and your man, are you exclusive? Are you heading towards marriage?

    Are you living together “with a purpose”, because you want to be together? (I think I read previously that you were looking after someone else’s house? am I right?)

    I have read your posts about your man and I feel sad for what you are feeling. I think a man working late into the night on his computer night after night is out and out neglect. You deserve the things you described in your post – relaxing together before bedtime and cuddling in the morning. For what it’s worth, this is something I require from a relationship – I don’t need much more. It was when D stopped giving this to me that our relationship started to die a slow death.



  25.  #25Femininewoman on September 21, 2013 at 12:29 am

    Indigo I am sure April Rose will respond but briefly, she is living with someone. Who in my opinion from what I have read, switches from hot to cold and back and forth.



  26.  #26Veronica on September 21, 2013 at 1:54 am

    Men who aren’t asking to meet me helps me to remember that contact doesn’t mean interest and interest doesn’t mean relationship, and I feel relaxed with that. No pressure to convert one to the other. Thank you good men. Also, I can receive and show my appreciation for their compliments without any of that being connected to meeting up. Sweet men, I’m learning so much : ) I feel safe.

    There are some ‘hot’ guys visiting my page and the schoolgirl in me is just relishing that — that makes me laugh at myself.



  27.  #27Syreena on September 21, 2013 at 2:13 am

    Something to ask myself.
    Why am I choosing to read write and be on blogs sharing and commenting on other peoples stuff who I do not even know in real life.

    Why am I doing that?
    Why do I want to do that?



  28.  #28Daria on September 21, 2013 at 2:34 am

    “being your own coach using an exercise developed by Dr. Laura King to help people achieve their goals. Participants in a study conducted by Dr. King were given very simple instructions, “Imagine your life in the future, imagine that everything has gone as well as it possibly could have. You’ve worked hard and succeeded at accomplishing all of your life goals. Now write about what you imagined.” Study participants were given 20 minutes to write and then were done for the day. Before leaving they were instructed to write for another 20 minutes about the same thing for 20 minutes each day for the next three days. Participants who followed through with the investment of 80 minutes spread across four days actually showed lasting improvements in their health and happiness.”

    from the T-tapp newsletter and this kinda practice has worked for me before…

    I wanna do it!



  29.  #29Daria on September 21, 2013 at 3:04 am

    Syreena – i feel excited i know the answer for that for myself.

    I am here to practice healing, therapy and practice new ways of being and communicating… being able to practice in a safe place like a blog dedicated to this, where I won’t be physically attacked or confronted, is a safe way to practice before i take my skills out into the ‘real’ world.

    Practicing directly in the face of real phyiscal triggers could be more overwhelming than words on a page. and thats plenty triggering at times.



  30.  #30Syreena on September 21, 2013 at 3:10 am

    Ty for sharing Daria.



  31.  #31Daria on September 21, 2013 at 4:20 am

    im feeling upset in the interaction I had with my mom

    i would feel better to stick to feeling messages and dont wants

    i feel glad im sharing my feelings more instead of stuffing, and i feel upset that im yelling and blaming also



  32.  #32Tereana on September 21, 2013 at 4:34 am

    Veronica – I was just going to write something similar to what you wrote in No. 5. Because I’ve been feeling the same way.

    I noticed it, actually, in my job interview. That I was coming all from my head. And it occurred to me that the entire process probably would have gone better if I had allowed it to come from my “heart.” Or from me, or from my core, or something. Whatever that is. I just don’t know how to access it in the moment. I guess I am just so in the mode of always wanting/needing to “impress” people that my heart just shuts down.

    At least that’s what it felt like anyway, and I know I do it of course all the time with men as well. It can seem that this is the only place where being “feminine” and feeling and heart-centered mattered, but it isn’t. It is really all of life, in every relationship. Including work, where you still have to be assertive. But aggression and over-intellectualizing do not always serve the purpose. I can’t “think” my way into my heart.

    It just feels as if thinking is my top skill and what I am able to really do well. It is my fallback, my comfort zone. Letting my heart speak, that feels…scary and untrustworthy. I don’t know the result and I fear the anger of others. That if I speak my truth others will be angry. And I don’t want them to be angry, I want them to love me.



  33.  #33Tereana on September 21, 2013 at 4:41 am

    Lisa – I liked what you wrote in No. 8. I can understand that feeling. Thank you for sharing 🙂

    Syreena – It sounds like you have some sort of judgment toward yourself for participating in the blog? The blog (any blog, or any online interaction) cannot replace real-life face-to-face interactions. In can’t take the place of your friends, who support you in person. And it shouldn’t. But it can give you a private place where you can share some things that you might not be comfortable sharing, even with your friends. It can help you “process” what is happening for you, and relate to your life in a new way. If you don’t like it, no one is making you be here. But if you are finding some value in it, then why should you judge yourself? It sounds as if you are repeating something in your mind that you heard from someone else. I encourage you to listen to your own voice about what you like and what you want to do, and make your decision based on that. And keep the balance of contact with people in your real life, that you do know, so that you don’t lose that connection.

    <3 T



  34.  #34April Rose on September 21, 2013 at 6:18 am

    Indigo,

    Yes, we live together with a purpose, and it’s clash, clash, clash, most of the way. Our communication styles are different, our rhythms only sometimes match up.
    When I’m soft and open, he blows hot and cold. When he is open, it’s usually when I am pre-menstrual or irritable and I may disrespect him (which he is very sensitive to, and then starts a whole cycle of his withdrawing).

    All in all, pretty stressful. Not ‘in the pocket’ at all. (Except when he took us on holiday – our first in four years – and became this attentive, happy, generous person who wanted to do what I wanted to do. And, it made HIM happy to do that!)



  35.  #35April Rose on September 21, 2013 at 6:20 am

    Dominique,

    It seems like every other day that I am telling him I feel disconnected.
    I’m not sure he wants a real relationship at all.



  36.  #36Linda G on September 21, 2013 at 7:07 am

    Daria, I felt conflicted when I tried to share certain things with my Mom and it really hurt her

    In retrospect, I was so adamant about my needs, views, I overlooked her sensitivity and neglected to be empathetic.

    I am better at that now, but she’s gone



  37.  #37Daria on September 21, 2013 at 7:27 am

    (((((Linda G)))))



  38.  #38Daria on September 21, 2013 at 7:28 am

    thank you for sharing about that to me, i feel seen



  39.  #39Linda G on September 21, 2013 at 9:51 am

    Daria….gentle hugs



  40.  #40Emerson on September 21, 2013 at 10:05 am

    Hi Sirens, I created a new dating site profile. I am excited to see what comes my way. Just gonna sit back and see….lean back….waterwheel….
    I am feeling impatient but using this as an exercise in stepping out of my comfort zone because I even posted a pic….eeep I always feel nervous at first.
    But I get better results with pic rather than no pic. So we shall see.
    I feel “fed up” with CutecityCD who seems to want me to do the rowing once he comes up with the “idea” of meeting….I refuse to plan a date and I will outgirl him haha



  41.  #41Linda G on September 21, 2013 at 10:13 am

    I hate rowing the boat, it’s exhausting, sometimes men complain about this, I just lean back and smile…



  42.  #42Daisy Duke on September 21, 2013 at 10:24 am

    Rori,
    Do you have anything to help with setting up boundaries for us as individuals? Especially when we break up, but also in and starting relationships?
    Thank you,
    Kristi



  43.  #43Daisy Duke on September 21, 2013 at 10:24 am

    Do you have anything to help with setting up boundaries for us as individuals? Especially when we break up, but also in and starting relationships?
    Thank you,
    Kristi



  44.  #44Veronica on September 21, 2013 at 11:20 am

    Tereana – I notice that too, that I almost forget so easily to be in fem. mode, to try it and practice it. I get all get caught up in what’s going on out there. I don’t know all the reasons why it happens for me, but I know fear is one of them. I distance myself from whatever it is that I’m afraid of. I believe that for me it will just take time.



  45.  #45Veronica on September 21, 2013 at 11:36 am

    I like the attention of men messaging me. It feels nourishing, like something I’ve been needing for so long. And the interactions feel free-flowing, abundant, generous. One man is so positive and supportive and we just banter along : ) And tommorrow I’ll meet CultureCD for some beautiful music. I feel so safe with these men, it’s a big adventure for me and all these good men helping me to feel safe so I can focus on healing, exploring, enjoying all this.



  46.  #46Indigo on September 21, 2013 at 11:48 am

    April Rose,

    Run.

    Xxx



  47.  #47April Rose on September 21, 2013 at 1:24 pm

    Indigo,

    I’m chuckling and cuddling myself, reading your comment.
    Brilliant 🙂

    xxx



  48.  #48Amanda on September 21, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    Emerson #40
    Go for it. And good for you CuteCityCD needs to step up…or you are out of there.



  49.  #49Amanda on September 21, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    Sirens I need some advice
    I had an afternoon first meeting with a new CD. Nice guy, cute and very successful But he was sooooo nervous he talked nonstop.
    Here’s my problem…I found myself starting to get angry with him. I mean it is literally draining to listen to a stranger talk nonstop for an hour. I tried my best to be a good listener, but honestly this was seriously testing my patience.
    So, what do you guys do to change the vibe and the flow in a situation like that? How do you politely get him to relax and just have a normal conversation without screaming SHUT UP!



  50.  #50Emerson on September 21, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    48 thanks Amanda 🙂

    Hi Daisy Duke, cute name ;))
    Boundaries are something I am constantly learning myself…I’m getting better but still struggle.



  51.  #51Daria on September 21, 2013 at 1:51 pm

    Amanda – i’ve heard Rori say to be authentic and share something like “hmm it feels lovely to get to hear all about you… and .. the truth is i’m feeling a little left out of this conversation (pause)”

    or “i feel a bit unheard here myself”

    or “i feel like i can’t get a word in edgewise… and i dont’ want to feel that way with you… what do you think?”



  52.  #52Dominique on September 21, 2013 at 1:56 pm

    April Rose – 35 – This may very well be true. Do you still want a relationship with him?

    xxoo



  53.  #53Femininewoman on September 21, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    Amanda – early on sometimes I choose at times to say I am feeling nervous and uncertain and am just going to breathe a little deeper than normal to relax.



  54.  #54Femininewoman on September 21, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    Amanda – early on sometimes I choose at times to say I am feeling nervous and uncertain and am just going to breathe a little deeper than normal to relax. It could help the other person to know that they are not the only one nervous.



  55.  #55Dominique on September 21, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    Amanda – 49 – If he truly is nervous, give him a chance. As long as there is something else you like about him. As long as he’s not repulsive.

    K was a bit nervous on our first date and talked a lot about himself. I feel really happy I decided to go on another date.

    How about saying something like this – I’m feeling overwhelmed. It would feel good to share something about myself.

    If this is true.



  56.  #56Millie on September 21, 2013 at 2:06 pm

    Can anyone share what “The Tunnel” tool is??



  57.  #57Millie on September 21, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    Amanda–in response to your response to me on the previous thread. I really appreciate what you said here:

    “He has seen that he can trust me and make a mistake and I am still open to him…so now he needs to step up. I really think if your leaning forward is fun and flirty and when you realize he may need the help and you don’t feel like you are pushing him or ignoring obvious signs or convincing yourself that he needs it when you know deep down he could be contacting you because you have been open and an invitation. It’s hard, but in those cases you can’t lean forward because even if you are a bit more outgoing that what Rori recommends, her recommendations are about weeding out the guys that are just not ready for a real relationship.”

    Amanda I totally agree with you on finding the balance of when to lean forward, when that can work for the relationship, and knowing when it is working against you. I’ve had both positive and negative experiences with leaning forward. I think the golden nugget of your post is that Rori’s work weeds out the guys that aren’t ready…..and I see that. I see that leaning forward when a guy isn’t reaching out first can lead to discovering he just isn’t ready.



  58.  #58Amanda on September 21, 2013 at 2:16 pm

    Thanks so much Dominique, Femininewoman and Daria.

    Dominique…no he’s not repulsive at all. Actually just my type. So I would like to get to know him as a real person and not the nervous guy he was today. I know that I can be intimidating for a guy so I usually give them a break.

    …I like both of these ideas

    “I’m feeling overwhelmed. It would feel good to share something about myself.
    and…”
    “I am feeling nervous and uncertain and am just going to breathe a little deeper than normal to relax.”

    I like the idea of not putting it on him…and just saying that i I’m nervous as well and maybe see if that doesn’t get him to relax a bit when he feels like he’s not alone in this feeling.



  59.  #59Amanda on September 21, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    Btw. New CD, let’s call him CDnervous, just texted me and told me he had a great time and apologized for dominating the conversatin. I said…I noticed you were a bit nervous…it was cute…I know dating is hard. And he replied. Yes, It really is.



  60.  #60Liquid Light on September 21, 2013 at 2:37 pm

    Whoa, dating frenziness…just had an awesome conversation with someone, we’ve been back and forth online, and finally talked. Really fun conversation. We are meeting tomorrow for coffee. While I was on the phone, HometownCD emailed me and really wants to get together. Invited me over to his place (not into that though) and wants to make me dinner. Awhh.

    Date last night was fun but not really my type.

    Have another date tonight.

    Whoa, little overwhelming but fun!!!!



  61.  #61Linda G on September 21, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    I also am learning that guys who are used to forward leaning women sort of panic when we leave the ball in their court



  62.  #62Liquid Light on September 21, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    wow, Amanda, that’s awesome that nervousCD is self aware and new he was hogging the conversation!!! And apoligized!!! Wow!!! Very cool!!!! He sounds intriguing!!!



  63.  #63Liquid Light on September 21, 2013 at 2:40 pm

    oops…”knew” not “new” hahahaha



  64.  #64Millie on September 21, 2013 at 2:42 pm

    So–I went on third date (fourth time spending time together) w/ SparkCD last night. While I had leaned forward to follow up on his “lets get together soon” I’m glad I did! The date wasn’t off at all! SO much better than the previous where we were missing the mark with each other. I felt like this time the conversation didn’t really miss a beat. After dinner and drinks we went back to his place to watch a movie. We layed on the floor with pillows and watched the whole thing. It was a good movie and we laughed and made jokes in between, but I found myself wondering if he was going to make a move. He touched me a couple times, put his hand on my leg and we were playful with each other. Usually guys try to “do something” during a movie and he didn’t! I actually found myself saying OK I guess I can relax! So I did and it was nice. At the end of the movie I decided I should go….There was a cute, slightly awkward exchange of random conversation while we stood very close facing each other with stupid shy smiles on both our faces. I held the moment and then was about to leave when I just decided to kiss him….This is a lean forward I wish I hadn’t done, it would have felt better if he had initiated the first kiss of the night, but oh well it was in the heat of the moment I can’t take it back now. I don’t usually kiss men first, but we’ve already kissed a lot, so it wasn’t like “the first kiss” or anything like that.
    Anyway, let’s just say he didn’t stop me and he took the reins from there…

    After that, when we were calm and peaceful together, I said–this may be a loaded question, but I’m curious to know what you are looking for with dating (in general) right now. He told me that he isn’t looking for a girlfriend right now, that he was in a relationship for most of his 20s and feels like he loses himself in relationships. That right now he really wants to focus on himself and tend to some goals he has without a relationship detracting him from that. I did feel a little pang when he said this, but at the same time I understand where he is coming from. I told him that I’ve been focusing on my goals for so long that now I can relax and for me I am enjoying meeting new people and the process of dating. I told him the truth–which is I’m not looking to rush into girlfriend-dom, but I do want to find that special relationship one day, it’s a journey, not an end-point for me….He really understood that and said to him we sound like we are on similar pages and have similar views right now. It felt really good to connect with him on this and share our views and all….even if that’s all it was. I had a great night and I’m taking with me the parts that I felt good about and the parts that I didn’t feel so good about (initiating the kiss) and want to better myself. If he calls, he calls, and if he doesn’t….that’s fine too. I certainly don’t want to push anything. This resonated so well with what Amanda said–I leaned forward only to discover that he isn’t 100% available. If I hadn’t leaned forward, perhaps he would have weeded himself out, or perhaps not…but either way I’m really glad he and I had that conversation, regardless it felt really good to connect on that level.



  65.  #65Amanda on September 21, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    Aww Millie. Thanks so much for your kind words about my advice. It really is a balancing act sometimes…but who doesn’t love a balance beam? It’s fun to try to master. I don’t know where this guy and you are going, but it doesn’t matter. Sounds like you learned something about interacting with guys and accepting who they are and where they are at in the present. If he isn’t Mr Right, when Mr Right comes along you’ll be primed and ready.



  66.  #66Millie on September 21, 2013 at 2:51 pm

    @Amanda–LOVE that nervousCD is self-aware also! and he apologized–I’m interested to hear what happens next!



  67.  #67sequoia on September 21, 2013 at 2:52 pm

    I love this post: how to be in your dignity, the Jenfer Aniston Charakter from He’s just not into you

    “So – here’s how to do Dignity without going “cold”:

    1. Lean back. Pull your energy back into yourself from wherever it is.

    That means – if you’re thinking about a man – stop, and focus on your insides, how you feel, the knot in your stomach.

    If you’re remembering and reliving a painful moment with a man – notice you’re doing it, and pull the energy away from the image and back to your body – your shoulders, your heart, your pelvis. Pull the energy back into you. Now…

    2. Imagine you’re a fairy princess, or a goddess, or an angel or a warrior or a queen, and that you’re made of gold and diamonds. Imagine the heaviness of your golden, diamond-covered self.

    Let the weight of you sink into the floor. Let yourself feel your substance, your emotional and energetic importance, how you matter, how you’re grounded in the earth, how important it is that you are where you are, that you exist. Now…

    3. Breathe.

    Experience what it feels like to be so important and dignified. What it feels like to be responsible for yourself. What it feels like to know you can count on yourself, no matter what. Imagine what Dignity feels like.

    Imagine others looking at you, in your gold and diamonds, in your substance and importance, and imagine them admiring you.

    Experience what it feels like to feel dignified while you are being admired, and keep breathing.

    If you feel yourself starting to float away or emotionally go away, don’t fight it, just sink into yourself and the earth even more deeply. Sink into your pelvis, and feel the weight of you in the center of your body, in your pelvis. Now…

    4. As fairy princess, goddess, angel, warrior, queen, with emotional weight and important substance…practice this feeling of Dignity all throughout the day.

    Whatever happens that would normally throw you off – unpleasant feelings, embarrassment, anything anyone else does or says in your presence – let it go through you – take it in, breathe, and do this Tool.

    You are dignified. Settle into yourself. Settle into your Dignity.

    Let me know how this feels for you, Love, Rori



  68.  #68Millie on September 21, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    SparkCD apologizes a lot, for many things. In a way I feel like I’m a lot more comfortable with myself than he is and also more comfortable with “awkwardness” I suppose. He apologized for his humor…why I’m not sure. I was teasing back and I think he thinks I’m serious because everyone thinks he is serious when he jokes. He admitted that he is projecting what people project onto him. I like that he is self aware and can recognize this.
    Physically–he is AMAZING and yet he outwardly said “he’s small” regarding his man part. I couldn’t believe it! I said- why are you talking down to yourself? you have an amazing body and are you kidding…his man part is not small! Then he says- well it’s average. It is so surprising to me that this wonderful, gorgeous, caring man seems to think lowly of himself in many aspects…I don’t think I’ve experienced a man like this before.



  69.  #69Emerson on September 21, 2013 at 2:58 pm

    So far I see nobody online that is remotely interesting at all. It feels like slim pickings but I refuse to believe that. After all, I felt that way before when I was online and some of the men that contacted me (including CutecityCD) never even showed up in my searches (weird).
    So who knows who is out there. I will just leave my profile up and wait. I’m not messaging anybody.

    I’m feeling antisocial and pouty because I never heard back from CutecityCD about meeting for our “date” that he asked me on. I don’t like the non-communication mode that he does. It feels hot and cold and it feels disrespectful and it feels like anxiety and rejection!!!!

    I may have to cut him off completely and I was even thinking about changing my number. I do want to see him but I don’t want to feel bad having someone that can’t follow through.



  70.  #70Amanda on September 21, 2013 at 2:58 pm

    Liquid Light…Yes, I was thinking the same thing. I’m sure the whole time he was telling himself internally to just shut up but couldn’t do it. Glad he feels the same way I do… that dating is hard. He’s been out of the dating world for 20 years, so I can at least be sympathetic to that. I do no know what that would feel like.

    LINDA G yes, I agree, I’ve found this type of chattiness to be more prevalent since I started utilizing Rori’s tools. When a girl just sits back and lets a guy run the show, they tend to have very little idea of how to do that. I’m assuming his experience is with girls that ”fill in the blanks” And when I didn’t he just went into over drive. I tried my best to me non judgmental and to see that it was nerves and unfamiliarity and that was making him do this. Before Rori, I would have probably been rude to this guy but now I just sit back and say…hmmm, wonder if he knows he’s not taken a breath in ten minutes. ” I bet he’s gonna be kicking himself on the car ride home”



  71.  #71Millie on September 21, 2013 at 2:59 pm

    @sequoia–
    I love this post too! It’s a good one to remember to get grounded again! Thank you!



  72.  #72Amanda on September 21, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    Emerson #69
    Give it a minute! Lol…the dating sites run hot and cold. You’ll be cringing in a few days over the emails in your inbox. Too many to read. Breathe, and enjoy that you’ve taken a big first step. That’s enough for today.



  73.  #73Liquid Light on September 21, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    I feel like I am in the zone right now and feels f’n awesome!!!! 🙂



  74.  #74Emerson on September 21, 2013 at 3:09 pm

    72 Yes Amanda you are so right. It does go in waves.
    I felt a horrible fear last night as I felt incapable of caring for myself or providing for myself. I felt desperate for a partner and for “help”…
    I refuse to feel shamed or guilty for that like I’m a gold digger becauese I am not. Just sometimes I feel that I cannot cope with life decisions by myself and I don’t want to do it “alone”…..



  75.  #75Emerson on September 21, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    Yay liquid light!



  76.  #76Amanda on September 21, 2013 at 3:29 pm

    Emerson #74
    Oh big difference between ‘don’t want tó’ do it alone and ‘won’t’ One makes you a gold digger, the other makes you human



  77.  #77April Rose on September 21, 2013 at 3:56 pm

    Dominique – 52 – good question. I feel so tired of my role. I want to be living deep in my feminine nature, with a masculine man who gets me and leads the relationship into delicious, happy-feeling territory.

    I’m getting to a place where I truly value the quality of the relationship over the man himself. I’m hardly seeing the man at all, I’m feeling the relationship and how it dooesn’t feel nourishing.



  78.  #78Dominique on September 21, 2013 at 4:12 pm

    Amanda – 59 – He’s so okay. YAY!!! I love his apology.

    xxoo



  79.  #79Dominique on September 21, 2013 at 4:17 pm

    April Rose – I think you’re gaining some wonderful clarity here.

    xxoo



  80.  #80Emerson on September 21, 2013 at 5:57 pm

    Why do I have that horrible “breakup” feeling….I got played by my manager at work for sure, (she is unfair) and I didn’t stand up for myself. It feels tiring to be on my defenses always.

    I also feel that CutecityCD is not on the same page as me. I expressed what I was looking for and that maybe we are looking for different things and he said he understands and wishes me well. NOT the answer I was expecting. I kinda felt that sinking feeling of rejection. Just wanting me for a hookup maybe but nothing deeper….

    I have been crying all day and staying home by myself. I feel thankful to have this time to cry and process. I also feel a tinge of hopelessness and I feel sadness. I feel like I got “played” by CutecityCD as well.

    I don’t think I’m a victim but I feel that sometimes I’m too trusting and I carry on with life assuming the best of people. When it turns out differently, I feel like THIS.

    It feels like grieving.



  81.  #81Millie on September 21, 2013 at 6:16 pm

    Emerson, I understand how you feel. I often feel that way also…especially when the high of hopefulness dissipates with one sentence from a man. I feel glad that you expressed what you wanted. It takes courage to do that and “face” that possibility that he isn’t on the same page. Your gut seemed to lead you to a place of honesty. Like Gennifer Goodwin’s character in “He’s just not that into you,” I think it is a redeeming quality to be hopeful and to assume the best about people until proven otherwise. Hugs to you 🙂



  82.  #82Emerson on September 21, 2013 at 6:21 pm

    Thank you Millie it feels comforting to read your words.

    I don’t feel alone. 🙂

    Ironically, ExoticCD has turned out to be more of a friend and we’ve been texting all day. RecycledCD is also in friend category (although I always have a weakness for him…)

    But it feels good to at least have male friends, at least for the moment.

    I feel like they both care about me and they reach out when they havent heard from me for a while. That feels good.

    I took care of myself this weekend by purchasing some good smelling herbal soaps and shampoo. It was a little pricey but it feels soothing and I feel “expensive” using them 🙂 🙂



  83.  #83Emerson on September 21, 2013 at 6:30 pm

    Yes Millie I debated about whether to express how I felt to CutecityCD.
    I am glad I did and thanks for recognizing that it took courage.
    I realized why keep wasting my energy and time waiting for him to reply thinking we have a date, only for him to drop the ball because he is busy or whatever. I don’t want that it’s BS.
    Goes back to actions speaking louder than words.

    He claims to be so into me and when we are together VERY affectionate, caring and fun/sweet, so my oxytocin got going. But then I feel like I got dropped off a cliff. Why am I so vulnerable…aaackk..



  84.  #84Zia on September 21, 2013 at 6:34 pm

    I’m feeling heavy hearted.



  85.  #85Zia on September 21, 2013 at 6:40 pm

    I don’t know what to do about these feelings. It feels like hearbreak. It feels like sadness. It feels like breakup and loss. I don’t know why and I don’t know what to do about it.



  86.  #86Emerson on September 21, 2013 at 6:45 pm

    85 Zia
    I’ve been feeling the same way all day. I am just sitting with my feelings while taking care of myself and fixing myself good food and resting.
    I’m indulging in TV and decaf coffee. I am spending time alone and if I feel like crying, I cry.
    I feel angry and I feel fed up.
    I also feel that it can be cleansing and a clean slate clearing the obstructions (i.e., false hopes of CDs that just want a fling)

    See that’s the thing, why don’t people just say up front that’s what they want?
    I don’t know why that’s so hard. I think some men are sneaky and hope they can have sex and deal with the consequences later. Feels shady.



  87.  #87Zia on September 21, 2013 at 7:01 pm

    Emerson – in my case, it was said upfront… and i said no, i don’t want a casual thing. and then *poof*

    it does make me feel good for saying no… but it still hurts. i am glad he was honest with what he wanted up front of course.



  88.  #88Millie on September 21, 2013 at 7:04 pm

    Emerson I think there are some men that do go into things just wanting to “hook-up” and usually their actions will speak louder than their words. If that’s all they want, that’s all they will offer. However I also think with some men…they ask women out because they feel attracted to them and may not know what they want until the chemistry btwn two people is revealed. then there are the men that are sure a relationship is what they are seeking and more often than not, they will also make that known through actions and words quickly because they don’t want to waste their time either.

    I DO believe that all people want to find that special someone…and it’s hard to accept when you feel like you aren’t it and maybe they felt hopeful too. For example with this guy SparkCD he made it very clear that we were going on dates and it felt very good! I feel like he, like everyone is looking for that special thing and maybe I didn’t have it…so he came back with “I’m not looking for a gf.” Maybe he didn’t know that until getting to know me. That is speculation though.

    After sitting with that for some hours now, I feel a little sad…but I also feel confident to lean back and go out tonight and flirt with other men. I feel confident not to chase him, but also not to run away from him. I feel like I know what I need to do…and I’m excited to do it. To not pine or invest in him. It feels good in my body to know this. I believe in being open…and I was that. Weeding out is a hard process to go through, but it’s comforting to know we are all in this process together. 🙂



  89.  #89Emerson on September 21, 2013 at 7:13 pm

    Thank you Zia and Millie.
    I appreciate your feedback.
    CutecityCD was not direct about it, but kept saying how we had such a great connection. His profile said seeking long term, and we did talk about that during the first meeting.
    But then I learned also that he just came out of a long relationship. So who knows. Maybe he thought that’s what he wants but realized he is not ready but that in fact is none of my business. I just feel sad anyway.
    I don’t have that connection with someone very often and it kinda hurts to feel pushed away.



  90.  #90Millie on September 21, 2013 at 7:18 pm

    As I’m getting ready for tonight, I had this amazing idea..I think something just “clicked” for me. After SparkCD and I’s first date I felt amazing!! I glowed inside, couldn’t stop smiling..AH it was such a wonderful high, I felt twitterpated..silly with giddiness and love. He inspired that feeling. Now…I wonder, if I felt like that ALL the time, simple about myself, how different my vibe would be. If I radiated that because I felt inspired with love for myself, with love for every moment and interaction, how different would the world be? Maybe this feeling is what Rori means when she says to love yourself in the presence of a man. Maybe I don’t need a man to make me feel that way because I already feel that way about ME! Tonight I am going to tap into that feeling, with no regard for him, but because why shouldn’t I feel THAT happy about me and my presence in life! Let’s see how this experiement goes….



  91.  #91Emerson on September 21, 2013 at 7:25 pm

    90 Millie that is awesome let us know how it goes 🙂



  92.  #92Zia on September 21, 2013 at 7:25 pm

    millie 90 – yes yes yes and yes!!



  93.  #93Lisa on September 21, 2013 at 8:42 pm

    I just got home from date with “J”… Ok.. I can tell that I’m attracting better men now.. b/c this date was more all about me… and NO mention of sex from him or how beautiful I was,,, he did say take a picture of the pretty lady in a British accent.. but I liked it… a lot… no innuendos.. about my ass, sex, nothing.. this is more like it… just talking about life, things we are interested in and it was comfortable… not sure i’m attracted to him a all.. but enough to know that, knowing Rori’s tools, to see what happens..

    I like how my work on myself is finally showing signs of attracting better men..

    I’m speaking up more and realizing that by me keeping quiet that I attract men that don’t want to hear what I have to say, and now that I’m speaking up more, comfortably and without worry about speaking up… that things shift..

    Like Rori says about being me totally all the time…..

    I’m not sensing that “J” is very masculine…. yet, seems like he might be more feminine… but at least I’m feeling better about being around men that really care and listen to what I have to say… and they respond… instead of pause and then go right back to talking about them…

    I love the reciprocation of tonight.. it was very flowing… I listen and respond, he listened and responded…. this is more like it!! YAY!!

    OXOXO



  94.  #94Linda G on September 21, 2013 at 9:21 pm

    Here is my dilemma: realizing I am older than most of your girls, I cannot seem to accept the fact that the men I am dating are just not young anymore. I look into their faces trying to imagine how they looked when they were younger and virile.
    I know I am no longer in my 30’s, not even my 40’s, but I am fit, well dressed, attractive and contemporary in my outlook and tastes.
    After being on my own all this time, I can’t convince myself that this is what I have held out for. The thought of sleeping with a man well into his 60’s is beyond me.
    I am talking regular people, not movie stars; older men like Michael Douglas or George Clooney, you know….



  95.  #95Linda G on September 21, 2013 at 9:23 pm

    I feel worried I may never find that “za
    Za zou” as Carrie Bradshaw put it. Maybe its coming in the next wave of CD’s



  96.  #96Emerson on September 21, 2013 at 9:24 pm

    Feeling piney and low confidence



  97.  #97Emerson on September 21, 2013 at 9:28 pm

    I hate feeling like its really “over” with cutecityCD I had hope that things would work out. Now seems kinda hopeless. I’m realizing he is not “available”….
    Feeling sad.



  98.  #98Linda G on September 21, 2013 at 9:33 pm

    Emerson,
    It feels bad when we don’t get the hoped for response, I agree. It’s the chance we take when speaking our truth.

    I guess this is where having other men softens that blow, and as Rori says, there is always another, better man right behind him



  99.  #99Emerson on September 21, 2013 at 9:47 pm

    I feel thankful that I don’t have a crazy hectic lifestyle driving kids around and worrying all the time and not having time for myself. I know so many that live like that. I don’t want to be that fast paced.



  100.  #100Emerson on September 21, 2013 at 9:49 pm

    Thank you Linda g!! Yes it’s true. I need more CDs



  101.  #101Femininewoman on September 21, 2013 at 10:01 pm

    Linda G you are not alone and I have come to accept it doesn’t matter. Women of all ages have the same kinds of challenges and the same kinds of success stories.



  102.  #102Emerson on September 21, 2013 at 10:02 pm

    Ok I’m telling myself why cutecityCD is not right for me. He is too busy with work and when we are together he has to take work calls sometimes. It’s ok I understand but sometimes annoying. Also he works so much he doesn’t take care of himself and that kind of bothers me. Then he doesn’t feel good and can’t spend time with me. All these things are things I can accept and work around. Ok so much for convincing myself.



  103.  #103Femininewoman on September 21, 2013 at 10:11 pm

    Emerson I kinda feel a bit different about having male friends now. I do have some, sometimes one in particular feels too close for comfort so sometime I pull away. I kinda have this consciousness that I don’t want to be giving off the vibe that I can only be a friend to a guy. Right now if it is not a romantic interest I am not interested in guy friends. Just to keep myself focused. One of the guy friends recently started flirting with me. I am not attracted to him but I could feel how the flirting could change that. It is someone I have know for years and never been attracted but he keeps hitting at me and initiating. He does make sexual innuendo but we go so far back that I just banter with no intimidation. Maybe offering too much challenge at times but I am finding it to be fun. I don’t care. I don’t have any investment. Just for the most part having fun and just relaxing with accepting of a man being sexually flirtatious without allowing it to be intimidating to me.



  104.  #104Femininewoman on September 21, 2013 at 10:15 pm

    Sometimes it just feels like too much to look out for red flags, listening for “lemon drops” and establishing boundaries. So I just want to relax and have things be easy. When it isn’t I just remove myself. I just can’t be bothered putting any psychic energy into being piney or heavy hearted. Just feeling kinda like flittering through life like a butterfly.



  105.  #105Emerson on September 21, 2013 at 10:32 pm

    Still processing…. “Breaking up” with some CDs is hard ….
    I get attached to people



  106.  #106Emerson on September 21, 2013 at 10:35 pm

    Thanks FW for your feedback, always good stuff.
    I hear you about he guy friends. Hmm I will have to consider that.
    I don’t feel attracted to exoticCD at all now.i have to remember that when I feel piney for cutecityCD.

    I just miss having affection and attention.



  107.  #107Indigo on September 21, 2013 at 11:41 pm

    Feminine Woman,

    When you were talking about guy friends, and how you don’t want to give off the vibe that you can only be a friend to a guy, something clicked inside me.

    I have already let go of numerous guy friends because I felt they were, for want of a better word, low level users. Whenever I was around them or talked to them, they would feed off my energy, getting a buzz from being around a pretty girl and making all kinds of innuendos and all kinds of jibes, and giving nothing in return. I’d always come away from those interactions feeling drained and thinking that they did not know how to treat a woman. I gave them the benefit of the doubt for a while and eventually just thought, no thank you. Like I said, it was a “taking” kind of friendship, these were not guys who ever “gave” anything.



  108.  #108Indigo on September 21, 2013 at 11:49 pm

    Even with guys who do “give”, I feel like I have to be careful. Being friends with a guy usually causes me to feel uncomfortable on some level. Even with the guys who are giving, it kind of feels like me giving them forever to figure out which category they think I fit into – friend or romantic interest. It doesn’t really feel good. It somehow feels cleaner for my energy not having a guy friend hovering around for a long time treating me in an “on-the-fence” kind of way.

    I’m also not really so sure I want purely guy “friends” at the moment. It doesn’t feel good for my vibe right now.

    There is one guy who is acting adoring, constantly wanting to treat me to dinner and drinks and trips away – he asked me last night if I’d like to go away for the weekend in 2 weeks time – yet has said nothing about being anything other than friends, nor has he made a move. I’m not so sure I am interested in him as a romantic possibility but he has not given me the chance to find out. It feels a little bit like he is hedging his bets and I’m not sure I like how that feels. I think I might tell him so next time he calls.



  109.  #109Indigo on September 21, 2013 at 11:52 pm

    Gosh, I realize now what Rori is always saying about practicing in the field. This is all really good practice figuring out how I feel.



  110.  #110Femininewoman on September 22, 2013 at 12:05 am

    Emerson -“Breaking up” with some CDs is hard ….

    Emerson I think of concrete block as hard, and similar stuff. I even teach my kids to think that way too. I no longer think of such things with men as hard. Even when my mind keep drifting to a particular one and I keep telling myself to stop and my mind keep drifting back. I believe what I focus on grows and if I keep telling myself that something is hard I will believe it to the point of not even trying because I believe it will be too hard. I know we get attached to people. All I am saying is I now consciously choose to say certain things to myself. I will not reinforce that anything relationshipwise is hard.



  111.  #111Amanda on September 22, 2013 at 1:23 am

    Emerson
    I know just how you are feeling. I’m trying to keep thinking about these two statements I read on here. I don’t know why and I don’t understand/ There are so many things in the world that I can say that about….yet I accept them. Why is it so much harder for us to not accept those things about a relationship. I do believe it is that chemical reaction combined with some back story from your own life that sometimes come together with an individual and we end up deeply hurt…and even by short term relationships. But we still can’t help but try to come up with an answer to Why?
    For some reason I woke up in the middle of the night (Ok this I know the why to..awful cramps) With a sudden feeling about the recent CDex. Freaking WHY? I cannot make sense of it. The way he broke up with me was so out of character for how he was the entire relationship. It was so unbearably rude, the exact opposite of how he was the entire time I knew him. It was absolutely sudden and after a really great date. And the next day until about noon he was texting me about how he had such a wonderful time and that he wished all our dates were like that…then Poof! Three days late after he stood me up and I inquired what was up and he sent his breakup txt and I replied and wished him well…not a peep. Not a “I wish you well too”. This was the politest guy I’ve probably ever met (well before that exchange) And the reason he gave was so odd…an ex showing up out of the blue from out of state and feeling he needs to give it another chance. And then I find out that was a complete lie. (Again, he was so honest in our relationship…bared so many not so flattering things about himself with ease) He is just dating someone else he met on the dating site. Someone he mentioned to me that was trying to meet him but he wasn’t interested and gave me her name to give to my guy friends just two weeks before. If you can answer why to any of these things I’d love to hear it. None of it makes sense. And so I can try to make sense of him and our relationship or try to make sense of me and why I’m hanging on so tightly in my head.
    Well I explored it and here’s where I went…Listen, I’ve been dumped before…and I’ve had great loves come to tragic ends…but the finality of this one was so harsh and so completely like a rug being pulled out from under me. I wasn’t prepared for the feelings I had for him when they showed up and I was so shocked when it was just so suddenly taken away. It brought up a feeling of loss and made me think I’m not sure I properly dealt with the recent deaths of three important men in my life…My father, and my two best friends fathers.
    These deaths were all sudden and shocking. They came in a fairly close time period (Two just a week apart) The CDex reminded me of these men. Strong, honest, caring…but then also reminded me of how sudden that can be taken away. How things can and do just disappear in this world….I don’t understand and I don’t know why. With those deaths you have no choice but to accept them and move on…but with this ex, I think somewhere in my mind I’m holding on because this loss I could possible get back. I think the yearning to see my Dad and my friends Dads again has been transferred to this guy. And specifically with my father who wasn’t all that affectionate but a good dad, I think the ex gave me a bit of what I had always wanted from him and that was made even more prominent since he reminded me of him in many ways.
    I’m rambling here…but these are my thoughts. When I put down all my feelings, I see the similarities. It is not this one guy I am pining for it is for an understanding of all the Loss, rejection, finality I’ve ever experienced. He just hit the button and flipped that switch on in my head. And now I feel as if it gives him less importance and significance in my life and that feels good. It feels good to refocus my energies to dealing with the loss of these three very important men and also any other loss or rejection I’m harboring.
    Is there something in your head that is being triggered by your loss of this relationship that you should be facing…is it less about this guy and more about you? I feel a small amount of peace knowing it isn’t some amazing force between me and this guy and that I’ve suffered some great loss by the ending of the relationship…I’m just transferring other true losses in my life to him. It makes him much smaller in my mind.



  112.  #112Indigo on September 22, 2013 at 1:33 am

    Feminine Woman 110,

    I like this.

    Relationships are not hard. They are as simple as knowing what we want and don’t want. I think much of what we think of as hard is about having courage, and about the conflict within ourselves. The more we make a commitment to live in line with our values, the easier it all becomes.



  113.  #113Veronica on September 22, 2013 at 2:15 am

    I really like dependable, responsible men – I can feel that deep ‘liking’ build up every time I see those actions. And that kind of liking lasts much longer and is much deeper than the flirty, exciting hormone rush actions.



  114.  #114Heart on September 22, 2013 at 4:21 am

    Emerson – I’m curious…how long were you and CCitycd dating?



  115.  #115Heart on September 22, 2013 at 4:22 am

    What are the Tunneling and scaffolding tools?



  116.  #116Jammy85 on September 22, 2013 at 6:26 am

    Girls, an update as promised:

    This week just passed was meant to be a week of me & bf of 2yrs, enjoying each others time and company. How wrong I was to expect such niceness.

    As some of you remember from previous posts, I’ve been worried about his drinking habits. I was promised only 1 drinking night at the start of the week. Of course, this soon multiplied.

    I promised myself that if it become more than one night I would give him an ultimatum. I did. I let him stew on it for a few days. He got mad, I didn’t bite – just thanked him for telling me how he felt. He then invited me out for dinner, I intrepidly accepted to see what he had to say.

    After dinner (&flowers & movie) he told me he wasn’t going to give up drink, just cut down on it. I was disappointed to say the least. After sleeping on all he had to say for himself at dinner, I decided it wasn’t good enough for me. I meant what I said when I told him it was the drink or me. He freely made his choice.

    He came round earlier and handed me my belongings from his house. Told me that I’m selfish and that he does everything for me, that I never really wanted to be in this relationship. Basically made me feel like poop. This was an hour ago.

    I’m now lost in my head wondering how I missed his point of view. From what I felt, I was his accessory. From what he tells me he felt, he was my slave.

    Messy, everything feels messy and headachy. I’m sorry Rori, I failed in my mission in turning this relationship on its head. I broke it instead :,-(



  117.  #117Lisa on September 22, 2013 at 6:54 am

    @Jammy85

    Somethings aren’t meant to be turned around and someone with an alcohol problem is going to turn it around on you… in my experience.

    and with me being married to one, yes, I was always going to be last in line after his vices…

    Big hugs!!!! trust that you did the right thing for you!!! love yourself!

    <3



  118.  #118Amanda on September 22, 2013 at 7:15 am

    Jammy #85 I agree with Lisa. I know this is confusing…but remember what he has is a disease and it will fight very hard to survive, even if it means saying things to people around them to make them hurt. And to blame. This disease can not survive being ”spoken or called out”. I suspect you will have more hurtful conversations before this split is over (even if it is just until he gets his act together) Be prepared for them…be ready and steady in your own mind about what you know to be the truth. And yes, the truth as you see it, not through his eyes. There are times for considering another point of view but when facing such a deceptive and strong opponent as alcoholism the time is right for you to only think of yourself while doing no harm to the other person. Any leniency you give him now is all going to go to his disease and make it stronger. You will survive this…you cannot control it…but you can survive it and be happy



  119.  #119Vi on September 22, 2013 at 7:20 am

    I just got aware of something I never acknowledged – resistance!! which turns out going together with like 99% of all my feelings… aahhh I feel so so much lighter



  120.  #120Indigo on September 22, 2013 at 7:20 am

    (((Jammy85)))

    Please don’t buy into the idea that you did something wrong, or that you had a responsibility to “turn it around” or that you were selfish or any of that nonsense. On the contrary I think you can be very proud of yourself and give yourself a huge pat on the back.

    I feel great admiration for what you did.



  121.  #121Indigo on September 22, 2013 at 7:22 am

    I have never felt clearer.

    And I have never felt sadder

    Than I do today.



  122.  #122Vi on September 22, 2013 at 7:24 am

    Jammy YAY you for getting out of abusive relationship!



  123.  #123Amanda on September 22, 2013 at 7:31 am

    Indigo
    Yes, I bought the same train ticket today…welcome aboard.

    I think i”m gonna focus on clear and give sad a little break today.

    I went to a Core Barre class this morning and was the worst of the group…the worst I tell ya…everyone else has been doing it for so long and I was making mistakes all over the place. But I had a great time and felt good about trying and that I will have a ‘tight’core like these other ladies soon…I’m on my way. I thought…hmmm why can’t I feel that way about relationships? I’m trying, I’m not there yet, but it feels good to be trying and knowing I’m on my way. Why isn’t trying as satisfying in personal relationships as it is everywhere else. Why is the end game not something to be worked for and then felt pride for after great accomplishment. Would I cherish it less? Probably. Ugh. It’s rainy out and I still feel a bit sad from all this clarity, but it’s just as my muscles feel a bit tired from all that work. Instead of being angry at the tired muscles, I’m reveling it, know it is the step I need to take to reach my goal. Is clarity and sadness the step you need to take to reach your goal…and if so, Yay…you’re getting closer, don’t give up.



  124.  #124Vi on September 22, 2013 at 7:36 am

    I felt mad, so angry.. anger felt like a giant balloon dragging me away from reality, from the Earth.. and then I realized I felt resistance towards my anger too.. and then.. it felt like this balloon lost the air, the charge… and what was left was.. nothing… giggle and peacefulness… aww I feel so glad I found and acknowledged my resistance!!



  125.  #125Vi on September 22, 2013 at 7:40 am

    Heart, I believe Scaffolding is in Love Forever program and Tunneling is from Reconnect…



  126.  #126luzydel on September 22, 2013 at 8:04 am

    Was at an event yesterday and had so much fun! Had more fun than an actual cd . I’m kind of feeling turned off with some men lately, but suddenly feeling attraction for a different type of man. Most important is that I’m not afraid if a CD leaves because I express my wants and needs. Just said something to SD that was very honest. Like I said before we are just FWB, but I ad cancelled a few encounters because I wasn’t feeling it. Today I told him “Lately I have the need of feeling cherished, of having crazy sex, but being snuggled afterwards. Guess I’m just growing up and yearning for different things.”
    I’m not emotionally invested in him, can be just a friend or we can be lovers, but I don’t like his sex… it is all about himself and I don’t feel satisfied. He said OK I understand, then I said I am just realizing I am worthy… he said yes you are and that was the end of the conversation… he makes a good friend but he needs to start to really see women for who they are , it is not my job to teach him.



  127.  #127Ignis on September 22, 2013 at 8:28 am

    I feel kind of blue when I read this kind of things: “If you were to do this or that – you would see a huge change in how you feel and how men see you, in a matter of days.”

    I feel I do way more work than I can handle actually, it sets my heart and head and body on fire. I lost a LOT of weight, fixed my hair, quit smoking (after 15 years!!!), started a garden, adopted a cat, changed a lot of routines, started eating healthy, I am smiling actually and really it is all right, I feel good 98% of time 🙂

    ..but it feels like torture “if I use this tools something will surely happen”. How do I know when it happened? I never do, cause nothing will really happen. The only thing I am doing when I “stopped him” (and it feels like the longest and most hard working two months in my life to stop) is waiting to see how long it will be before I give in. The mental agony and feeling of uncertainty just continues. And I feel far from forgetting about him. How long will the longing last? In fact things happen, my hormones forgot him, but I do not feel any change. I feel like I am missing a lot of important points.

    And it feels like torture – all the tools now, because men will surely see me different now. I really waited for something to happen. But it is only me that changed, and I do not want to wait for anything to happen again. I feel really sad and discouraged.



  128.  #128Indigo on September 22, 2013 at 8:34 am

    ((((Amanda))))

    Thanks 🙂 It’s good to know I’m not alone.

    Sundays are always a bit harder. There are definitely moments when the sadness lifts, and a little beauty and light come rushing in, but they are always a little gloomier.



  129.  #129Indigo on September 22, 2013 at 8:45 am

    There is a part of me – a tiny part, a very tiny part – that wishes I could do a friends with benefits arrangement without getting attached. I don’t believe it’s what I want for the sake of my self worth, but a tiny part of me thinks it would be nice to be able to have that sex and companionship whilst I am waiting for The One.

    I tried that on and off with D – the first year we were committed and “official”, and for the next two years we were sometimes committed and sometimes casual. Anyway, I could never do it with him. He had a way of making love to me that got right under my skin and right into my soul, he connected with my deepest emotions effortlessly, without even trying. There was just no way I could do casual. Sex always just deepened the connection as much as I might not have wanted it to (well, of course I did, but he was not emotionally available for a real, committed relationship, so right in the back of my mind I knew it was a one-way ticket to pain).



  130.  #130Indigo on September 22, 2013 at 8:47 am

    I’m doing well though.

    I’ve not had any overwhelming temptation to contact him, and this afternoon as I was soaking in the bath and wondering why it has to be like this, a little voice came to me and said “Because it does. This is the way it has to be.” And I accepted that, and felt a little better.



  131.  #131Indigo on September 22, 2013 at 8:55 am

    (((Ignis)))

    It takes as long as it takes. Two months is not very long. It took me 2 years to get over my ex-husband and another year to stop feeling triggered by things associated with him. Everyone is different. Be easy with yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Don’t give up. We are all here for you.



  132.  #132Millie on September 22, 2013 at 9:30 am

    Ughhhhhh I was talking to one of my guy friends last night and he told me something that made me feel SO BAD. I went from feeling wonderful to a puddle on the floor in an instant! I will share:

    I told him about SparkCD and that I asked him what he was looking for with dating right now….my friends says-UGH, rolls his eyes, and says “only needy chicks say that.” He told me–“you don’t need to ask things like that. You don’t ask for relationships, they just happen. Now this guy probably thinks he has you in the bag. If you like this guy, be cool. You have to keep guys guessing…”

    I feel sick to my stomach just rewriting this. Wow, he is probably right. I thought I was just communicating and finding out where this guy is in his life, but in reality I totally made myself seem easy. I feel like I’m SO bad at dating. I thought I was being cool with him, but I guess I’m not. My friend says a cool girl wouldn’t ask a question like that….that I am way too formal in my approach and not to show that I’m even thinking about what he wants.

    I just feel like a puddle on the floor now. That SparkCD is going to run for the hills because of this apparently “needy” comment.



  133.  #133Jammy85 on September 22, 2013 at 9:35 am

    Thank you all for your support (& hugs, oh how I need some hugs!!)…..

    ….it hurts just as much to be the one that walks away. There is still love there on both parts, but I cannot become ill like I did before. My last long term love had very bad OCD and became very controlling. I fell into depression and it took me 5 years to actually leave him. I can’t do that all over again. I owe that to myself at very least.

    Thank you again xxxxx much love xxxxx



  134.  #134Ignis on September 22, 2013 at 9:38 am

    Indigo, that feels good to hear, and truly one of very few times I heard someone is here for me 🙂 Hug to you!

    And yes indeed everyone is different.

    When I quit smoking.. I still think about smoking sometimes, I still crave it sometimes, but it doesn’t last more than 3 minutes at the time and I am able to distract myself. But I did not wait to day no. 100 to say I am a non smoker, I simply am a non smoker from the moment I stumped last cigarette. I am a non smoker, I feel like a non smoker. From the first moment I decided it! And I smoked for 15 years. Probably the longest relationship in my life 🙂

    He was here only 2 years, the shortest relationship in my life. And I am decided he is long gone. And it is all right I crave him like a cigarette sometimes. It comes and goes. But the only thing that triggers me nowadays is waiting for something to happen. Like if I work hard enough surely something good will happen. I feel mad even considering it, like sure hell something will happen haha It feels surreal.



  135.  #135luzydel on September 22, 2013 at 9:45 am

    @ Millie

    The right man for you won’t leave because of what you say… don’t be afraid of being yourself for fear of loosing a man. I am only careful of not being hurtful with my words. I dislike these advices that repress women. You did not asked him to marry you, you asked him a legitimate question. What does he want? Intend to keep those questions general and not make them about me. And whatever he says,believe it… if he says I’m keeping Things casual and see were it goes, you got your answer…



  136.  #136Sophie on September 22, 2013 at 9:49 am

    Millie ((()))) I didnt think your comment was needy I cant remember now but you didnt feel needy when you were asking did you? and its mostly in the energy rather than the words…you just wanted to know what page he was on – nothing wrong with that that feels powerful in my eyes – non-needy women don’t want to be wasting their valuable time do they and they have the courage to express their feelings



  137.  #137Sophie on September 22, 2013 at 9:52 am

    Jammy 85 – I love the posts from others to you x I am completely with them x



  138.  #138Linda G on September 22, 2013 at 9:56 am

    So much is written about, “does he like me?”

    What about evaluating a situation where he is so into me, but how do I gauge do I, should I like him? In other words, he is ready to step up, is his who I want?



  139.  #139Linda G on September 22, 2013 at 9:58 am

    Jammy, agreed with Sophie, et al



  140.  #140Sophie on September 22, 2013 at 10:03 am

    Indigo and Ignis (((I just want to share love with you x x x time x time x time x )))



  141.  #141Indigo on September 22, 2013 at 10:19 am

    Thank you Sophie 🙂 *Big hugs* to you



  142.  #142Ignis on September 22, 2013 at 10:31 am

    Sophie, right back at you, lots of love <3



  143.  #143Zara on September 22, 2013 at 11:07 am

    From a Rori’s letter
    Stop Feeling On Edge Guessing A Man’s Every Move – I’ll Teach You How To Make Him Start Pursuing You

    Zara,

    Do you ever feel like a man is so important to you that he’s worth all the pain he causes you? To the point of where you’re second-guessing yourself all the time, and working so hard to figure out how to behave and what to say to make the relationship happen? As if things would change if you could just get what to do and say right.

    I know I lived most of my life making men more important than myself. At least men I had “feelings” for. With a man I cared for, I’d think about him all the time. I’d strategize, talk about him with my friends, worry about what he was thinking, and what would happen next.

    With a man I didn’t “feel anything for,” and dated just because he was “nice” or “financially well-off,” I could barely remember him after being with him.

    He Just Wasn’t All That Important

    It took me a long time, but when I finally got my love life working for the first time in my life, all of a sudden I realized it was working because I’d created it so that no men were all that important.

    Even if I’d slept with them. Even if I’d dated them for months. Even if I’d met their family and had incredible times.

    I’d somehow trained myself to think of myself as more important than any of these men, and I was able, in an amazing way, to let them just “run through my life.” They ran through my life the way a river runs through river beds. They came in and went out. Some stayed a long time, some didn’t.

    And somehow, I didn’t care. I just kept believing one would stay, and that I wouldn’t have to convince him to stay. And one did. He was great, and I married him. He stayed and turned my “river of men” into a beautiful lake. And you can do it, too.

    I Know You Can, Because If I Could Do It, Any Woman Can

    You may be wondering to yourself right now how in the world I did that. How did I make it so that I didn’t become attached to any one man, and got a more relaxed, “what will be will be” attitude with dating?

    It happened because I decided I no longer could afford to make any man the center of my life unless he was 100%, totally, and completely devoted to me.

    And that meant, unless there was a ring on my finger, I was not giving away my heart and soul to a man. I wasn’t exclusive with any man. What exclusivity had gotten me in the past is really a lot of heartbreak and disappointment.

    I realized at that time of my life that becoming a man’s “girlfriend” without a commitment was actually UNattractive to a man. He doesn’t have to pursue you anymore, and he doesn’t have to work hard for your attention and affection.

    Men get lazy. They keep on doing what they want to do, especially if they know you’re going to be there, waiting patiently. And often what they do is they decide to date someone else, or stall and stall and stall so that years go by without a commitment. Don’t do this to yourself.

    There’s A Way To Get The Kind Of Attention You Want From A Man

    There’s a way to get the kind of attention from a man that happens when he genuinely, and without pressure, feels so intrigued and attracted to you that he can’t help but chase you.

    It happens when you get a certain kind of “vibe” that tells a man that you have high enough regard for yourself that you won’t tolerate bad behavior. And, you certainly don’t “chase” after a man.

    In my Targeting Mr. Right video program, you’ll learn the secret to curing just about any love problem:

    Men who withdraw
    Men who aren’t ready to commit
    Men who aren’t sure you’re “the one”
    Men who don’t call to ask you out
    Men who don’t treat you as a priority

    “Targeting” will show you how to become the kind of “diva” in dating that men are irresistibly drawn toward. You’ll learn how to date in a way that gives you the best options.

    You will land the man of your dreams, and Targeting Mr. Right will show you how, step-by-step.



  144.  #144Zara on September 22, 2013 at 11:12 am

    From a Rori’s letter 2

    Meanwhile, here’s a letter from “Alice” (you’ll see why I call her Alice instead of what she calls herself) who’s struggling with making a man too important – right from the first meeting:
    ___________________________
    *Question*
    “Dear Rori,
    I recently met a guy at my best friend’s wedding. He was the photographer and I immediately noticed him. He approached me and we talked a little bit. At the reception later that night, in between taking pictures, he would come sit next to me at our table where we would continue to talk. Before I left he pulled out my phone and put his number in it. I insisted that he have mine in his phone also because I would rather he called me.

    Later that night I called to thank him for his company (stupid choice #1). The next night he called to ask how the second reception had gone that he couldn’t attend and we talked a little bit. A few nights later I called to ask the name of a book that he recommended I read. I told him I had ‘forgotten’ the name….(stupid choice #2) how sly I thought I was. It’s only been a few days, but I can’t help thinking I’ve ruined it. He lives nearly three hours away, so I don’t know when we will see each other next, if at all. I know I shouldn’t have ever called. Have I ruined any chance I might have had to woo him? I promised myself I wouldn’t call anymore, and I won’t… so now where does that leave me? Is there anything I can do? Stupid”
    ___________________________
    *Answer*
    First – please, no more calling yourself or anything you do “stupid.” We all make mistakes, and sometimes it’s our mistakes, catching them and figuring out how to not make them again, that can HELP us more than anything else. It’s the trial-and-error that got me where I am today, so a little trial-and-error will help you too, if you use my Tools to guide you.

    It’s Not Just What She’s Doing – Calling – It’s Her Attitude Inside

    And that attitude is – “This guy talked to me at a party, he obviously liked me because he put his number in my phone, and now I’m all hung up on him.”

    Men do all kinds of things. They act like they’re in love with you, and then forget about you. They say things to you and then they change their minds. They’re motivated to reach out to you for all kindas of reasons.

    It’s easy to look at Alice’s letter and say “I’ll bet the moment he realized she lived 3 hours away, he lost interest.” And yet, I have a client who just married a man who, when they met, lived 5 hours away. She had an engagement ring within 2 months, moved to his city in 6 months and was married in less than a year.

    So how do you know?

    Here’s where not calling (at least not so fast) comes in handy. If you don’t call, you get to find out how excited he is about you. You get to see if he’s excited enough to at least… call. If he’s not excited enough to call, the rest of the trip to the wedding is going to be much more torturous – even if you could manage to create it.

    If He Lost Your Number, He’ll Track You Down If He’s Excited.

    Three hours would seem like nothing to him. In my experience, a man KNOWS when he’s found his one. He may not know he knows, but he knows… and most often, he does know, and he even tells his friends “I met this woman…”

    If that’s not happening for him, what usually goes on is he either stops it at the beginning and never follows up, or he dates you and dates you and tries to turn you into his one.

    In other words, he may like you so much, and like having sex with you so much, and admire you and like having you around so much that he tries to fall for you, and wants to fall for you, but just doesn’t.

    It’s as though we expect, if all the puzzle pieces are there, and we’ve spent enough time together, that a man will fall. As though it’s a given that liking leads to love. And that’s not how it works. If we’re honest with ourselves, it doesn’t work that way for us women, either.

    We Can’t Talk Ourselves Into Being “In Love” Just Because We “Love”

    My Tools are all about helping him fall in love by opening up your heart to him while, at the same time, you stand by your own inner strength and boundaries. And no man can fall in love with a woman who’s pushing herself on him “chasing him” trying to be clever and act like she doesn’t care (when in fact she does – a lot!)

    So it wasn’t even Alice’s calling the photographer that destroyed any chance there was for a relationship to happen – it was her attitude that he was so important!

    He was so important that she couldn’t wait to see what he would do. Instead, she should have continued flirting with every man everywhere, dating up a storm, and forgetting about him – or any man who doesn’t call.

    So, if you – like Alice – are finding yourself thinking about a man (especially one you’ve just met or been out with only a few times), rethink this. Step Back.

    Ask Yourself: Why Am I Doing This – Making Him So Important?

    Why am I assuming he needs some help – that he needs me to call him, even though he has my number?

    If you can learn to let men run through your life – without landing on one or letting one get under your skin – everything will change for you. All of a sudden men won’t be so important.

    And as great as that will be for your insides – you’ll feel steadier and more confident – it will have an incredible affect on the men you meet or the man you already have.

    Instead of playing the “I’m hard to get” game, and bouncing back and forth in your mind trying to figure out what to do (call or don’t call, do this, don’t do that…), you’ll be free to flirt with all men, spend your time and energy in a way that feels good to YOU, and you will actually, authentically BE hard to get.

    Every Man Who Gets Near You Will Be Able To Pick Up On It

    Your “vibe” will change dramatically, from the inside out. A man will sense that he has to work hard to be with you (and men love to work hard for a woman).

    In my Modern Siren program, I call this a woman with a “High Degree of Difficulty.” A woman with a High Degree of Difficulty doesn’t need a man. You like a man, but you don’t need him. And you won’t chase him, either.

    If he’s interested, he’s going to have to call you. Because you don’t need to make him important. You’ll be as far from “needy” as a woman can get, and confidence will just radiate out of you.

    So, Alice – for next time (yes, don’t call, it will help you get so much better results) – don’t worry so much about what you do and say. Instead…

    Vow To Make Sure He’s Just Not That Important To You

    You’ll see, it will go better next time. In Modern Siren, you’ll learn to tap into your feminine power and your High Degree of Difficulty.

    It doesn’t take much – because we’re all born with this natural, magnetic power over men. Most of us just lost it somewhere along the way. We think it’s a good idea to “chase” a man from the very moment he shows interest in us. We think it’s a good idea to woo a man with our bodies, with our intelligence, or with our spirituality.

    The problem is, that no man will fall for a woman just because she’s got a sharp mind and a beautiful body. A man will fall for you because of the emotions you stir up in him. Because of the way you capture his imagination with your mysterious, feminine allure.

    What qualities do some “other” women have that make men go nutty chasing after them? Is it their looks? (Not always) Their personalities? (Not really) Everything they have going for them? (You and I both know that’s not always the case!) What these other women have is a kind of special feminine allure and mystery that drives men nuts with desire and affection for them.

    In Modern Siren, you’ll learn exactly what that allure is and how to bring it out in yourself instantly. It’s easier than you think, and it’s more powerful than you can imagine.

    You’ll also learn:

    1 What he’s thinking and feeling every step of the way (so you don’t sabotage your relationship by guessing)
    2 How you’ve been suppressing your own feminine power because of your own life experiences
    3 How to interpret his behavior accurately without having to ask him (or your girlfriends)
    4 What to say and do when he acts flaky, stand-offish, or just plain rude in order to get his attention and stay grounded

    I know my Modern Siren program will help you, and I look forward to hearing how you’re doing with not making a man so important and using all my Tools to get what you want.

    Love, Rori



  145.  #145Zara on September 22, 2013 at 11:16 am

    From a Rori’s letter 3

    P.S. If you feel compelled to call a man when he hasn’t given you the time of day, stop. Re-read this email, take my advice to heart, and tell yourself that you will not chase after a man. It doesn’t do you any good, and it doesn’t “make” him come around to wanting to be in a relationship with you.

    Still need more help and support? Then here’s what you should do: Watch my Modern Siren program every time you feel pulled to chase after, plead with, or convince a man that you’d make a great girlfriend.

    You’ll get powerful Tools, amazing insights, lots of supportive advice, and you’ll feel better and stronger, and you will know what to do to be irresistible to him, without compromising yourself:
    Modern Siren

    Targeting Mr. Right
    A nuts-and-bolts approach that gets you your dream man – FAST:
    Find and keep Mr. Right
    Avoid heartbreak in dating
    Make a man chase YOU

    Commitment Blueprint
    Get the life-long devotion you want in 7 simple steps:
    Become his prize to pursue
    Make him work hard to keep you
    Trigger his life-long commitment



  146.  #146Millie on September 22, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    Thank you Sophie and Luzydel…

    No, I didn’t feel needy asking the question. This guy made it clear that he asked me on a date…not to “hang out.” It wasn’t like we hooked up randomly and then I asked him if he wanted a relationship. He had told me a lot about himself, so yeah, I felt comfortable asking it and genuinely curious to hear his answer. The first words out of his mouth were “Well I’m not looking for a gf right now.” So maybe my friend does have a point in saying that question comes across as I am eager to snag a BF, but after talking with him I expressed that I’m not looking for one either….I want to date around right now and eventually find that special relationship. I felt like the conversation went really well, he’s the one that said- sounds like we are on the same page.

    I also shared with my friend that I kind of “hooked up” with another guy and then told him I didn’t want to start a FWB thing when he text the next day. My friend rolled his eyes again and was like- you don’t mess around with people one day and then say you don’t want to hook-up the next. I just started to feel like nothing I say is right. That I’m better off keeping my mouth shut…and I hate that feeling!!! I like speaking my mind, sorry if it doesn’t seem “cool.”

    Anyway, my friend really sent me on a downward spiral with how I feel about myself.

    Thank you for reminding me that there is no such thing as saying the “wrong” thing to the “right man.” 🙂



  147.  #147Millie on September 22, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    Ignis–I really like how you compared men to cigarettes. I totally get that analogy. I notice sometimes that when I feel like reaching out to a man or feel anxiety about men I reach for a cigarette…..it’s like I know they are bad for me but I’m going to do it anyway!



  148.  #148Ignis on September 22, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    @ Millie when I think of it now, it is not men that are like cigarettes but over functioning and toxic definitely is for me at least. I reached for a ciggie because I had an illusion it made me calm, though it did not. First 14 years I loved smoking, but the last one I kind of lost my interest for it on some level. So I cut it out cold turkey 🙂



  149.  #149Millie on September 22, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    @Zara–thank you for posting that…I feel bad now for having leaned forward this week with SparkCD. I also realize how important I’ve been making him, mainly because I felt something new and exciting with him I hadn’t felt in awhile and because I SO want to be a siren that I measure myself with every dating experience…and feel like I fail with some aspect every time…leaning forward mostly. That’s the hardest one. Not being exclusive…easy…I like seeing multiple guys, just need new ones around.

    Maybe I should get Targeting Mr. Right program…



  150.  #150Zara on September 22, 2013 at 12:48 pm

    From a Rori’s letter 4
    Are You Doing Any Of The Things On This List? If So, You May Be Pushing Him Away

    Zara,

    Are you chasing after a man and don’t even know it?

    I know how frustrating it is to sit back and let a man drift away. Every single one of us women instinctively want to go run after a man, grab him and thrown him to the ground, rather than let him get away.

    We know we’re not supposed to be chasing after him, and yet it’s so hard not to. In this new, modern era, we’re all confused:

    _We all get the lines between friendship and romance blurred

    _We think being “friendly” is the same as showing interest in a man

    _We’re taught to think that reaching out to a man is necessary

    _We’re taught to think that if we act “casual” a man won’t notice that we’re actually chasing him

    But, the truth is, we are.

    If we’re feeling just “friendly,” if we really don’t feel attracted to, or interested, in a man, then WHATEVER WE DO, our “vibe” will be just “friendly.”

    But, if we actually ARE attracted to a man, if we ARE interested in him in a romantic way, and then we try to ACT “friendly” – it’s going to come off as fake.

    It’s going to come across to him as inauthentic. It’s going to come across to him like chasing. And, it’s going to make him feel all kinds of things, but none of those things will be what you want him to feel – attraction for you.

    ________________________
    How Do You Know If You’re Chasing?

    Here are some things we may think of as “friendly,” that are actually CHASING a man:

    *1* Calling Him Up

    =>This includes:

    _Calling him because you heard or read about something interesting, or because you knew there was a great band playing somewhere, or someone told you about some great event that you want to invite him to or – anything at all

    _Calling him to ask him why he hasn’t called you

    _Calling him to tell him you’re upset that you haven’t heard from him

    _Calling him to give him directions to your home or answering any question he hasn’t specifically asked, or giving him any information he hasn’t specifically asked for, or offering anything

    =>This does NOT include:

    _You’re having a problem or an emergency, and you can’t reach a friend or a relative, and you’ve been dating him long enough that he’s started “future-talking” about things he’d like to do with you and places he’d like to go with you, and you need his help.

    Don’t be afraid of appearing weak. If you need something – something of course that has nothing to do with the relationship – don’t be afraid to ask. This is what being a girl is all about.

    *2* Initiating Other “Friendly” Contact

    =>This includes:

    _E-mailing him

    _Texting him

    _Facebooking him

    _Writing him

    _Sending him a cute card

    _Dropping by his house

    _Dropping by his gym

    _Calling up his friend

    _Or in any way attempting to initiate some kind of contact.

    *3* Moving Things Forward

    =>This includes:

    _Making suggestions, making plans and then inviting him to come and join you, offering to drive to him, offering to drive on the date, offering to put him up for the night on your couch, or in your bed.

    _Offering to cook for him, initiating sex, initiating affection (in any way other than smiling with an open heart and body), initiating the “talk” about “where the relationship is going”, getting anything having to do with the relationship “started”.

    _Creating a “special occasion”, sending him anything (pictures, mementos, ideas), thinking out loud to him about things you can do together, telling him about things you can do together, and creating things to do together.

    _Or, in any way, acting like the social director of the relationship.

    *4* Asking Him How He “Feels”

    =>This includes, especially, asking him how he feels about “you,” or the “relationship”.

    ___________________________________
    These are things we do almost without even thinking about it. These are things that feel natural to us. It feels almost weird and unnatural to not do these things. It feels like we’re not being “nice.”

    It feels like we’re not being “friendly.” It feels like we’re going to lose him by not letting him know we’re “interested” in him. It feels like we’re just letting him slip through our fingers.

    And Nothing Could Be Further From The Truth

    Everything on the list above is the same as putting a sign on your chest that says “Needy.” It smacks of desperation. And, it’s just plain not attractive to him.

    He may LIKE it. He may go along with it. He may be flattered. He may have no one else around and so he’ll date you. He may even come to like you very much. You may even end up in a relationship with him.

    But, you will never know how he really feels about you. As long as YOU’RE the one running the show, he may follow, but he’ll never feel inspired. And, you will never feel adored. This is the point where you will find yourself up late at night crying and wondering why he doesn’t want to commit to you.

    ______________________________
    How To Feel Adored…As You Should Be

    The total, complete opposite of this is being a Modern Siren:

    _A Siren will lure a man to her without doing any of those things that so many of us think are so necessary to do

    _A Siren inspires a man to chase her because of how SHE feels about herself

    _A Siren not only knows how to magnetically attract a man to chase HER, but can LET a man chase her

    _A Siren knows how to receive what a man wants to give her – which is everything

    _A Siren expresses herself in words and with her body language so that a man can FEEL her down to his toes

    _A Siren is a woman who loves herself so much that she can turn even the parts of herself she may think are ugly and unpleasant and difficult and painful – into her most powerful assets

    _A Siren knows that what a man craves is EMOTION. Emotion that he can’t find in himself. Emotion that will make him feel like a whole man. A man is used to what he thinks of as “drama” in a woman – and Emotion is something completely different than drama. Emotion is the missing piece for a man
    Being in the presence of a woman who can feel her feelings – no matter what they are – makes a man feel both real and safe, all at the same time. It feels utterly magical to him.

    __________________________
    Being a Siren is about luring a man. About allowing him to chase her without being “passive” or “powerless.”

    And being a Siren will make you the magical creature who can make a man whole.

    If you’d like to know exactly what to DO and SAY in order to embody those Siren qualities I just mentioned, try my Modern Siren program.

    You’ll learn exactly how to BE around a man so that he feels utterly mesmerized and attracted, without you having to do any chasing, pursuing, calling, cajoling or enticing. It’s a very authentic and feminine way of being, and it is exactly what attracts a man and tugs at his heart.

    The next time you’re tempted to do any of those things I’ve listed in the “Chasing List” – and you’re tempted to think of any of those things as something nice and friendly and womanly, and something that a man would like – don’t do it.

    You will begin to feel like a Siren – like the magical creature you are, just because you’re a woman – when you start practicing just knowing that you have everything a man needs without having to do anything at all.

    My Modern Siren program will teach you exactly how to do this, step-by-step.

    And once you learn the Tools in Modern Siren, you won’t feel the need to “make something happen” with a man – the right man will make sure he lets you know how much he adores you.

    Love, Rori



  151.  #151Dominique on September 22, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    Indigo – 108 – I feel confused by this. I see an assumption to the negative. If you’re going to make it up, might as well make it up good, yet do so with your eyes and heart wide open.

    I have never dated anyone who said anything about whether he was looking for a FWB or something more. This man has been treating you so beautifully. Allow him to continue to do so. You an always ask for separate rooms if you decide to go.

    xxoo



  152.  #152Millie on September 22, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    Zara!!!

    “Everything on the list above is the same as putting a sign on your chest that says “Needy.” It smacks of desperation. And, it’s just plain not attractive to him.

    He may LIKE it. He may go along with it. He may be flattered. He may have no one else around and so he’ll date you. He may even come to like you very much. You may even end up in a relationship with him.”

    I feel really sick to my stomach….
    I let him stay at my house when he lost his keys on our date and had nowhere to go,
    I texted him
    I initiated getting together
    I kissed him
    I asked what he’s looking for.

    UGH I want to die right now…..



  153.  #153Dominique on September 22, 2013 at 1:09 pm

    Jammy – 116 – You didn’t fail at anything. In expressing your boundaries, what you didn’t want to live with, he weeded himself out. It may hurt for now, yet this is GOOD stuff.

    xxoo



  154.  #154Dominique on September 22, 2013 at 1:20 pm

    Ignis – 127 – In your changes, the people around you will change. You will attract more of the people you want to have around you; you may inspire others to change, and the others will fade away.

    Your changes are also FOR YOU, no one else. They are for you to feel better in yourself, and as a lovely side benefit, better quality people will show up, men and women.

    xxoo



  155.  #155Daria on September 22, 2013 at 1:20 pm

    so im here contemplating the post about “needy’ and thinking about how to not do some of that stuff w Bookie man and

    he is actually right now hitting me up on Facebook chat!

    whoa!

    and i feel all filled with big smile now!

    hmm he just said “im at home bored too now”

    and i had a sad feeling thinking of his ‘home’ that he lives with his female friend that he’s involved with



  156.  #156Indigo on September 22, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    Thanks Dominique 🙂 it’s lovely to have another perspective.

    I was thinking out loud, and I feel so hesitant… I think it is likely because I am still in a lot of pain. And what this guy is doing feels like too much for a friend, it confuses me. I haven’t said anything to him yet. He texted me earlier today to ask if I wanted to go on the weekend and he would book. I’ve not replied yet, but it might be good practice receiving nice treatment?

    I think my post just stemmed from, why would a man do all of this and not try to romance her? It feels odd, it feels too much. He IS lovely, and I feel confused.

    xxx



  157.  #157Dominique on September 22, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    Millie – 132 – That was not a needy question at all.

    xxoo



  158.  #158Dominique on September 22, 2013 at 1:24 pm

    Linda G – 138 – Exactly. An important question to be asking is – Do I like him?

    xxoo



  159.  #159Indigo on September 22, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    Gosh, I’ve just realized how difficult to satisfy I possibly sound.

    I feel blushy 🙂



  160.  #160Daria on September 22, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    this dynamic w him reminds me of Guywho now…

    where i feel all heart fluttery and a bit tense



  161.  #161Daria on September 22, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    ok the conversation came to a stall and i closed the lil chat window instead of trynba think up somethin to say

    i feel all charged up w smiles w a flow of disappointed and w a dose of peace and thoughts of ‘im strong’ and “im more confident now”



  162.  #162Dominique on September 22, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    Indigo – Enjoy the confusion. And continue to let him DO for you. It’s his job. Yours is to receive. And enjoy this too. 🙂

    xxoo



  163.  #163Veronica on September 22, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    It was a bit awkward with CultureCD, out of step I guess. But I didn’t care if things went well or not, just focusing on what I’m feeling and noticing.

    His cologne smelt really good, a nice touch of effort there
    When I told him in feeling messages that I felt so excited about the music concert, and he just opened up with enjoyment – I really liked that

    It’s like I have this secret in me, and I can’t help smiling about it, that I’m in all of this for me, and only me.

    I haven’t heard from BM in over a week, and I’m just watching how this is all happening. What used to be major triggers that would feel overwhelming now feel like little murmurs, to which I respond with ‘oh that…’. Maybe things are improving or this is just the quiet before the storm.



  164.  #164Veronica on September 22, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    Millie – To me it sounds like your boy was looking out for you. I’ve noticed in the past I’ve leaned forward and gotten some straight answers – I could feel bad or I could say thank you to my inner boy who stepped in to clear some dead wood out for me. It saved me from getting into a potentially very bad relationship.



  165.  #165Daria on September 22, 2013 at 1:37 pm

    yayyyyy!!!

    im so much more on my side now!!

    more interested in thinking about SexyNeighbor right now than about him

    i kinda recall that this dynamic doesnt feel good and its kinda coolin me off and not makin me attracted…

    rather than attracted

    ok so he feels comfortable receiving and being where he’s at, and it makes me feel excited/disappointed

    kinda like i do at times with GetRight,

    like i have with Dman

    and like i do with 19 man

    it seems like they (skip Getright on this his is a lil more unique as it doesnt involve other women at moment)

    wanna ground into their space and be accepted for thier choices with other women

    19 man had a status today:

    “I Love a women who pampers me and treats me as a king. I am spoiled, use to women treating me right. — feeling sexy.”

    I freaking GET like this is intended for me to see to like defy me who am always expressing my dislike for this kinda energy

    and hey… wateva

    sometimes his energy feels masculine and empowering to me, and sometimes i feel disappointed and judgemental and turned off, like this

    and thats all good!

    i want to feel comfortable with these men doing what they want and being where they’re at

    i dont want to feel like im attempting to control them

    amybe ill get more from them that way, i get surprised by their masculine energy at times

    anbd maybe ill never really get to where i feel totally safe and comfortable if this is where theyre at and stay

    and taths ok too!

    tghers so many other men and who Are for me and with me and whose mindset supports the relationship i want

    the less ‘pressure’ i put on them, th more i can receive from them, leave space for them to change

    and more important, the more *I* will change and attract more of what i want, more men who give me what i want (and now, I’m seeing that even THOSE men are very very sexy! (Sexyneighbor is the most good looking of all fo my men so far)

    and he says stuff like.. (one sec i feel hot thinking bout him lol)

    “i want to take you out and show you off”

    hells yah!!!

    yay 🙂

    im not gonna get a ‘boring ugly guy’

    m changing to have fun w all men and attract sexy give to me men!



  166.  #166Daria on September 22, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    thank you Daria for making a sign to turn off Wifi when not in use…

    I feel so happy and good and shared a laugh with my uncle…

    now i feel GREAT!

    even better than before and even better than the whole Bookieman interaction

    wow! its NOT just from men that good feelings come from!

    freakin wow ! awesome 🙂

    BIG SMILES HERE!



  167.  #167Daria on September 22, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    omg!

    all of a sudden he restared the conversation offering me some sexual thing i like when i get back!

    omg i feel good!

    i feel so good with leaning back hehe

    i told him he just made my cat jump hehe



  168.  #168Daria on September 22, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    im feeling like th fuchgkin Goddess right now! hehe

    which i AM

    yeahhhhh



  169.  #169Daria on September 22, 2013 at 1:52 pm

    i feel all hot and turned on in a flowy feel good wayyy

    mmmm yah healing and health and feeling good

    and men wanting to worship me

    and my Power!!!!!



  170.  #170Daria on September 22, 2013 at 1:53 pm

    my breathing has shifted and i feel all hot and my hands feel tingly



  171.  #171Daria on September 22, 2013 at 1:55 pm

    ok relaxing some



  172.  #172Jammy85 on September 22, 2013 at 1:56 pm

    Dominique….thank you :,) xx



  173.  #173Daria on September 22, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    now im craving more stimulation so will answer some POF messages



  174.  #174Indigo on September 22, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    Dominique, thank you 🙂

    I think that is the lesson for me in all of this 🙂

    xx



  175.  #175Daria on September 22, 2013 at 2:02 pm

    mm seen some sexy guy on TV that felt fun too

    it was andre 3000 and Tyrese is in this movie too

    pfff

    uhhh why i had to watch this mf get shot on fuchkin tv and he was lke ahhhh uhh and he’s still makin all these sounds ugh

    this ish jus fuchkin traumatized me and now i feel fuchkin traumatized why he cryin like that anyway mf dont even cry like that when they get shot

    that was sa semiautomatic too wtf ugh



  176.  #176Linda G on September 22, 2013 at 2:04 pm

    Oh Daria, how I envy you; i want to get a not boring and sexy guy!



  177.  #177April Rose on September 22, 2013 at 2:04 pm

    Yeah, Indigo,

    Seems like you’re overthinkin it! Lean back and enjoy some masculine attention and forget about his motives!

    Hugs xx



  178.  #178April Rose on September 22, 2013 at 2:05 pm

    …be surprised….
    🙂



  179.  #179Daria on September 22, 2013 at 2:05 pm

    feelin a lil better still worked up tho

    where th fuchk ar my brothers



  180.  #180Tereana on September 22, 2013 at 2:05 pm

    Amanda #59 – that is so cute. And it sounds like you are being really empathetic toward him. Accepting your own feelings and also his. I think that’s great. 🙂 Men really do get nervous about dating, too!

    Maybe even sometimes more than we do….



  181.  #181Millie on September 22, 2013 at 2:11 pm

    Indigo–

    Maybe this man’s way to romance is through building a friendship first. It sounds lovely to me. He is offering to wisk you away on a trip he’s planned, I would enjoy the curiosity and enjoy what he’s offering if it feels good to be with him. 🙂



  182.  #182Daria on September 22, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    Linda G they’re coming from everywhere now!

    freakin Sexy Neighbor is my 5 min walk NEIGHBOR! whaaat??? 🙂 🙂



  183.  #183Linda G on September 22, 2013 at 2:14 pm

    Ok, so you guys were so great with this guy before, helping me script how to not o to his house for inner or beach house without scrapping the whole thing.

    We went out for dinner, he picked me up, etc

    I always wait for him to open the car door, which he does, but repeatedly jokes at how I like/expect hat.
    He also repeatedly remarks in a jovial way how there will be no sleepovers at my house (I have teenagers t home)

    He also mentioned that he told his grown son he was keeping fresh linens at the beach house because he is expecting a guest.

    He tells me he wants to cook me dinner to do something personal for me, even brought me the recipe. Said he doesn’t want to spoil what we are developing.

    I don’t want to drive to his ouse and home by myself late at night. I don’t like to have to repeatedly say no, I am not ready for the same question each time I see him. We have been out 5 times.

    He is older than me, I am 58, and I am guessing he has 10 years on me. i feel a bit of a generation gap, and not really attracted sexually.

    He really lets me lean back, jokes about how much he hs to do. I don’t know. Trying not to freeze up.



  184.  #184Tereana on September 22, 2013 at 2:19 pm

    I forgot that yesterday was the solstice! A friend on facebook also mentioned that the moon is in Scorpio, which is my moon sign. (I think it was the moon, anyway. maybe it was the sun. Whatever) The point is, all of this is supposed to bode well for my love life…And it kind of does feel that way.

    Last night, I let a man see me who I haven’t seen in over a year. He remembered more about our dating than I did. Lol. I barely even remembered the first date! Haha. It wasn’t very remarkable I guess. But I did remember some other things. He was not a bad guy. He was very “relatioship-oriented.” I believe he still is.

    He took me out. He asked if there was anything I needed and we even did some grocery shopping. When we left the check-out I grabbed the bag out of habit. He ran up and took it from me, and said, “I’m the man.” He was half-joking but serious. I always like how he makes me laugh.

    However, I also remember how I felt sort of grossed about him kissing me before. I could never really explain it. But it’s also the reason I broke up with him (after only two weeks of dating and not getting even close to sleeping together).

    He kept asking to kiss me last night, and I didn’t let him. He held my hands and played with my hair. I let him hold me and hug me. All of that felt nice, but I was still getting used to him again. I said that we had to start from “square one.” I know he was probably hurt by me not letting him kiss me, but I had to be really true to myself. I was getting tired and realizing that his presence was starting to make me “dissociate” and that I was on the verge of not being able to make my own decisions.

    So, as we were sitting on the couch, I sat up, separated myself from him and took a deep breath. At that moment I had clarity, and I said that I simply needed to go to bed. I didn’t make any excuses, and when he asked me about it, I simply repeated myself. It felt good to let him go. Even though I have been craving physical attention, I still didn’t want to rush into anything. I wanted to be really sure. And he wasn’t being clear with me about his intentions (I didn’t say anything about this, I simply stopped the interaction).

    ~~

    Somebody mentioned how different men are appreciating different parts of her. And I’ve felt the same thing over the past two years. From different guys, I’ve had them be really appreciative of different aspects of me. It allows me to appreciate and accept them, too. Like putting together a puzzle of myself. And once that puzzle is complete, I suspect that I will be fully available to the person who is ready to love the whole me.

    Is it this man that I just saw last night? Is it the man in Florida (who has slowed down his contact with me over the weekend, so maybe not him)? Is it someone else entirely? I want it all to feel really good, really clear, not confusing, and with full expression.

    And it’s not the girl, btw. Which is actually kind of a relief. She said that she’s recently started seeing someone and “wants to see where it goes.” I feel aggravated by that, as that is how I see lots of lesbians dating. As soon as they meet someone, they drop all other dating and “wait to see where it goes.” And a few weeks later, they are mostly getting their hearts broken. Not all the time, but I’ve seen it happen a lot.

    Well, I’m not going to say or do anything to try to alter her habits. But I can say that I don’t like it, and I much prefer the CD-ing method. There is more power in it : ) And, I can effectively take her off the table, since I no longer feel attracted to her anymore. Not that there aren’t other women in the world who I can feel attracted to. But at this moment, I really want a husband, and that idea turns me on more than anything else. Hmm…I like that story and I’m sticking with it ; )

    xx0x0



  185.  #185April Rose on September 22, 2013 at 2:19 pm

    Jammy85

    Hi, I haven’t seen you on here before.
    Please forgive me, I felt an alarm bell from reading your post, where you said you had given a man an ultimatum.
    Rori advises to never give a man an ultimatum. Mainly because it just doesn’t work!!
    Your man, however, was willing to move towards what you wanted – “After dinner (&flowers & movie) he told me he wasn’t going to give up drink, just cut down on it.”
    Wow. What a way in! He was acknowledging your wishes, whilst asserting his masculine right to choose how to live his own life.

    There was a siren that used to post on here as Ella, and her man was a drinker and she inspired him to cut right down (note, she didn’t demand it).
    They have worked through their issues and are engaged to be married, I believe.

    I don’t know enough of your situation to say whether you can turn it around. All I know is we can only take a man as he is. We can inspire him to want to change, but we can’t make him change.



  186.  #186Millie on September 22, 2013 at 2:24 pm

    @Veronica and Dominque–

    Thank you…I am feeling better already. Some reassurance from some strong ladies feels really good.
    Yes Veronica, I agree that my inner boy was looking out for me. A man can wine and dine you and make you feel really good, but hearing where his head and heart is important to me. In response to his answer I also said that everyone is in a different place in life, everyone has had different experiences that shape their perspective and that I was curious to hear where he sees himself.

    It is interesting to me to hear men share where they see themselves. Without outwardly admitting it, you can hear if they feel bitter, hopeless or hopeful. If they feel down about relationships or up or even neutral. In my opinion it also builds honesty and understanding to know where someone is coming from….

    I feel relaxed now. Drinking coffee and sitting outside listening to wind chimes. I don’t see myself as needy, I see myself as being hopeful, curious, and above all honest with how I feel and not afraid to show/share it.
    Anyways, I know I need to work on leaning back and also trusting myself.



  187.  #187April Rose on September 22, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    Millie,

    Please forgive me but your friend sounds like he enjoys trampling on your feelings.
    I’m left wondering what power this person has over you that you defer to his judgement instead of your own.
    And, why you are telling him this stuff in the first place when he seems so cynical and makes you feel ‘wrong’.

    “It doesn’t feel good when someone rolls their eyes at me.” is a feeling message I might consider sharing with this person.



  188.  #188Daria on September 22, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    raised my energy some

    feeling better

    tahnk you



  189.  #189April Rose on September 22, 2013 at 2:53 pm

    Sorry Millie,
    I just read my posting again. I didn’t intend to make you wrong (if it comes across that way, I’m sorry).
    I just felt angry at your friend for making you feel bad.



  190.  #190Millie on September 22, 2013 at 3:07 pm

    @April Rose–

    No apology needed! I think you raise a good point that he is someone I should not be sharing my dating life with. My mom actually had the same reaction as you when I told her I was feeling bad. She said–look at his love life, what does he know he wasn’t there. You did the right thing for you-do not allow other people’s opinions to create conflict within yourself.

    I don’t know if I’d go as far as to say he enjoys trampling on my feelings…but I do feel like when I share my point of view with him he has a way of always making me feel like I’m wrong. I don’t know if he has “power” over me as much as its me questioning my own actions when someone else disagrees with what I chose to do. I feel certain with most of my decisions in life, but when it comes to dating, I still question myself since I’m clearly not successful at it. But then again, neither is he.



  191.  #191April Rose on September 22, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    Millie,

    I wonder if your friend knows how he makes you feel? He may be totally unaware. Looks to me like he would be excellent as someone to practice feeling messages on (instead of points of view).
    I feel curious to see how this friend would respond if you went into total feminine energy with him.



  192.  #192Millie on September 22, 2013 at 3:18 pm

    April Rose,

    Well, my mood completely changed after he said that to me. He could see that. I did tell him that it hurt to hear that, but I think I had a hard time going into feeling messages while I’m weighing if he’s right or not. All I felt in the moment was like–I’m not good enough and I feel like a failure. When I shared this with him, he says–Your generation (he’s ten yrs older than me) so melodramatic. You take things so deeply. Just relax and be cool like me…and then he proceeds to talk about himself.



  193.  #193Millie on September 22, 2013 at 3:24 pm

    Now I’m wondering how good of a friend he really is…I think he wants me to be his ideal of what a woman should be. As many times as I’ve told him I don’t want FWB, he always tries to kiss me and asks me to give him head….we dated five years ago and apparently I’m the best he’s had. He brings it up almost every time he sees me. I wonder if his advice comes from a place of caring or manipulation. He says I’m a catch and shouldn’t let any man get me down, but here he is bringing me down……He says I’m cooler than I give myself credit for….and he always knew when he met me I’d grow into an amazing woman.
    I don’t know…I’m thankful to have the blog today to share my feelings with.



  194.  #194April Rose on September 22, 2013 at 3:35 pm

    I’m struggling to put my experience into words…

    What’s happening to me is… WM seems to purposely withhold. He talks and acts like he is resentful of almost any form of giving to me (unless it was his idea. Trouble is, I am full of ideas and requests)

    In a real relationship, do we really ask *nothing* of our man?

    He says he can’t get it right. That I am often changing the rules, and so it’s safer for him to do nothing, than risk my displeasure.

    I wonder how I could see more of what he means. I know I am as changeable as the moon – and I see that as an innate and beautiful part of my feminine nature.

    I am feeling and honouring my feminine energy on my own. That feels good, yet I feel excited and curious to experience a man doing that right along with me.

    I wonder if I used to spurn and turn against my femininity, and at that time I attracted men who aligned with that…..
    Is WM doing that?…..
    Does he hate her? My inner siren/goddess/powerful woman…..

    I often wonder if he would prefer to be in the feminine role… and feels jealous…..hmmmm….



  195.  #195April Rose on September 22, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    Millie,
    He sounds more like a sex pest, than a friend.
    Eww.



  196.  #196Millie on September 22, 2013 at 3:42 pm

    @April Rose–hahaaha your comment made me laugh….
    Yeah I’m probably better off putting some distance there, especially if I’m always being made to feel bad around him.

    I’m curious to know what does your man give you and what isn’t he giving you that you request?



  197.  #197Zia on September 22, 2013 at 3:45 pm

    Thanks Zara for posting those modern siren emails. I’m going to go and watch them again 🙂



  198.  #198Zia on September 22, 2013 at 3:48 pm

    Millie – also, don’t forget is coming from his own experience of women. It’s not “right” or “wrong” nor does he speak of all men, just his view.



  199.  #199Zia on September 22, 2013 at 3:48 pm

    Millie – the fact that he basically trivialised/minimised how you felt when you expressed it however is a bit of a red flag to me. From everything we learn here, a good man will care about your feelings, when you express them.



  200.  #200Jammy85 on September 22, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    Hi April Rose,

    I don’t think I’ve read anything on ultimatums yet, I would be interested to if you have a link? I find it hard to believe that cutting down would be a long term solution. I’m afraid of going around in circles with this, hence why I gave him one.

    The line has been drawn and he is definitely not the type to even consider erasing it again. He is very black or white.

    Kinda wish I’d read that article a week ago 🙁

    Xxx



  201.  #201April Rose on September 22, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    I have said how good it would feel, for example, to have a shelf unit fixed on the wall in the kitchen. I asked him to initiate our morning cuddles, which is something that makes me feel connected and happy and good-feeling at the start of the day.

    He will agree to my requests, and not follow through. Which makes me feel bewildered, angry, and helpless.

    It is compelling to try to make him keep his word, but I’m learning to stop asking, nudging, and hinting, cos it feels bad.

    The hardest thing is seeing him shrivel and shut down, on a principle, it seems (I won’t be a slave to a woman).
    When he DOES give to me, he stands taller and his eyes shine and he exudes well-being. Then suddenly – it’s like his principles, his stance, his inner de*mon puts a stop to it. I can almost see him ‘remember himself’ and go back to being ungenerous.

    Sigh.



  202.  #202Sophie on September 22, 2013 at 4:13 pm

    Millie 🙂 I dont like the ten years older different generation thing that feels minimising too I have plenty of friends 8 odd years younger than me I never think its another generation or notice much of an age gap (then again I feel about 5 years old in my head most of the time :)) I actually went to a party at my parents the other day and described them to CDB (who is forty – im 35) as the adults ha ha I wasnt even joking it just came out of my mouth



  203.  #203April Rose on September 22, 2013 at 4:13 pm

    Jammy,

    It could be that drinking is a dealbreaker for you, if you look at it more in black and white.

    Smoking is a dealbreaker for me. So is regular drinking.
    I find it soothing that I have this criteria. It means I’m not going to let myself down by getting invested in a man who goes against what I want for myself.



  204.  #204Sophie on September 22, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    sorry millie 🙂 i see you said that yourself (melodramatic/talking bout himself) it just leaped out at me xx



  205.  #205Jammy85 on September 22, 2013 at 4:20 pm

    It has become a deal breaker for me. Which must feel really confusing to him. I didn’t used to mind but his pattern has got more frequent and more extreme to the point that professional intervention would be a good thing. I have stayed with a controlling bf for many years before this guy and I don’t want to fall into the helpless depression I experienced in that situation. I’m scared. My voice to him came from fear and he has responded in anger (also fear).

    There is love. But I can’t hear it at the moment.



  206.  #206April Rose on September 22, 2013 at 4:22 pm

    Jammy85,

    I’m sorry, I can’t remember in which program of Rori’s she talked about ultimatums.
    My take is this: Ultimatums are a sign of powerlessness and desperation. Needing to make an ultimatum shows that we are uncomfortable with vulnerability, with feeling and sharing our feelings.

    They are also an extreme form of criticism.
    I said to WM, “If this carries on, I’m leaving.”
    An ultimatum says to a man “You are wrong. If you do not correct your terrible defect, I will give you the worst punishement”.
    In short, ultimatum is a form of control. You are trying to make him do what you want him to.

    There is more healing value in sinking into the feelings his behaviour brings up in you.

    You can still do that, Jammy. Hugs to you.



  207.  #207Sophie on September 22, 2013 at 4:26 pm

    (((April Rose)))

    I wish I could say something helpful

    your posts reminded me of an ex of mine who wouldnt follow through with what he’d said and then i’d get upset and then (it felt) id get the blame for being upset and he felt he could never do anything right x it felt horrible x we were both always missing the mark with each other x

    are you still in touch with all the positive things that attracted you to WM?



  208.  #208April Rose on September 22, 2013 at 4:37 pm

    Sophie,

    I sometimes am.

    I was doing very well with something I learned from Susan Jeffer’s book (Feel the Fear guide to Lasting Love)
    She said
    “When you think and act lovingly toward your mate, your partner will ‘catch’ that loving energy. You become a model that evokes love in your mate. And the whole nature of the relationship begins to move in the direction of love.
    When you think and act unlovingly, your partner will catch that un-loving energy. You become a model that evokes conflict in your mate. And the whole nature of the relationship moves itself in the direction of conflict.”

    She says the purpose of relationship is to be on the journey to becoming a more loving person.

    When I live this, IT WORKS!!!!!

    Then I forget. And fall down, into my lower self. Which is where I end up missing the mark with WM, and vice versa.

    I do believe that some relationships have more flow than others, and so it can be much easier to be in one’s higher loving self.

    Still, it’s good practice.



  209.  #209Millie on September 22, 2013 at 5:10 pm

    April Rose,

    I wonder about his relationship history–if he’s been with women who were very controlling or demanding and now any hint of that triggers him to repel and stop it. I don’t know the best way to let him know that your requests aren’t in any way trying to tell him what to do, but there is no way for him to be a mind reader of what you want either…



  210.  #210Emerson on September 22, 2013 at 5:12 pm

    I feel better today. Went to work and had a normal day and talked to some cool people.
    Got a few guys contacting me on the online dating site but sorry to say they are not my speed.
    Some I reply to and some I don’t.



  211.  #211Emerson on September 22, 2013 at 5:27 pm

    Thanks FW I like what you said in 110 about how we speak to ourselves about things.
    It feels helpful.



  212.  #212Zara on September 22, 2013 at 5:37 pm

    From Jeffrey Levine (Rori’s husband)
    November 2009

    Forget The Story, Just Tell The Truth

    I recently read a book called “A Whole New Mind – Why Right-Brainers Will Rule The Future.” It’s a terrific read and I highly recommend it. Among other things, the author Daniel Pink talks about the power of “story” – how telling a story enables you to communicate in a way that your fellow humans naturally understand.

    However, in the arena of relationships, telling a story rarely helps the situation. In fact, I advise my clients to steer clear of their story because it’s your story that’ll get you into trouble. When you remove the story completely, you’ll have a far greater chance of being heard.

    Guys often aren’t great listeners as it is – and when you launch into a story there’s more of a chance that he’ll hear it as judgment and blaming. You see, the problem is, even if you mean what you’re saying in your story, guys think that you’re “making stuff up.”

    I recommend that you strip the story from your communication and instead focus on expressing your truth – cleanly and clearly – without the story.

    Let’s look at a simple situation:

    Your husband has agreed to fix that broken cabinet door for months. You’re worried that your toddler or dog is going to get in there and it could be potentially dangerous. Despite his promises to handle it, another weekend passes and it’s not done.

    What might the story look like? It might include phrases like this:

    _“You’ve been saying for months that you’re going to fix it and still haven’t. I wish I could rely on you but I can’t.” (finger pointing and blaming)

    _“You know, your son could get stuck in there and get really hurt” (making stuff up)

    _“Just like when you said you’d trim the trees and fix the pool just another example of you not keeping your word. You’re unreliable.” (judgment)

    _“How many times have we talked about this?” (guilt)

    Your story is your attempt to build your case and in some cases justify your anger. But the truth is, you don’t need to justify it – you’re entitled to your anger and your disappointment in him. The question is, how do you enroll him in making a change?

    _Not by blaming him.

    _Not by telling him a story about his past failures.

    The only chance you have of shifting his behavior and helping be a better dad and husband is by communicating your feelings in a direct, clear and non-judgmental way. That’s the only thing that’ll work.

    =>Here’s How To Do It

    “Tom, I know you’ve been busy. And there’s something I need to share with you. I’m having a problem and I don’t know exactly how to express this. Is now a good time for us to talk?”

    You’ve set the table that the conversation might be challenging, and you’ve asked permission to have the conversation now, or to find a better time.

    You continue: “Tom, I really rely on you, I realize that. And when I need you to handle something in the house, and you don’t do it, I don’t know how to express it to you in a way that doesn’t start a fight.”

    Do you see how this gets the conversation off on a completely different foot than if you told your story?

    Then ask in a direct, clear way for what you want: “Tom, I’m not going to feel comfortable until the cabinet’s fixed, so I really need for you to fix it within the next couple of days. If you can’t please let me know so I can hire a handyman to do it.”

    Forget the story. Speak your truth without blame and judgment.

    Jeffrey



  213.  #213Zara on September 22, 2013 at 5:41 pm

    By Rori Raye
    November 2010

    How to Turn Him Into A Good Husband And A Better Father

    If you’ve ever seen your husband throw a “hissy fit” – then you know what it feels like to stand there and watch it happen. It feels awful. You want to jump in and order him around, you want to stand between your husband and your children, you want to shame him and all of a sudden you feel alone in the marriage – like you’re the only sane grown-up around.

    Since I happen to LIVE with a man (my husband, Jeffrey Levine) who’s a marriage and parenting coach as well as an executive business coach (and we can talk about what that’s like…), I asked him to answer the question for us (I love having a man’s point of view, and this was the perfect question for it):

    =>“Dear Rori,
    Last night my husband threw a hissy fit (it started with our son who has been having some trouble with his homework) and when I tried to talk to him he would NOT listen – kept cutting me off, telling me “I don’t want to hear it” and that he already knew what I had to say. I know more about what’s going on with my son’s school work than he does, but he had his mind made up about it. He made me so angry and I realized I was never going to get him to listen so I clammed up.

    Later he tried to be extra nice (his way of “apologizing”), took me out to a neighborhood bar to get a couple of drinks, but I was just seething inside. Sat there at the bar and barely spoke to him the whole evening…then we come home and he’s all over me and wants to make love. Blech. That just made me angrier with him and pull away even more.

    I said he’s been trying, which he has, but last night was a major slip up on his part. I don’t know how to handle it when he doesn’t listen – a bad, bad habit of his. It’s the same routine….he interrupts, cuts me off, yells. Then I start yelling because I want to be HEARD…but of course that never works anyway. The only response I have is to give him the silent treatment…and it’s not really conscious, it just happens because I get so mad. It’s so frustrating not to be listened to.”

    =>Here’s Jeffrey’s reply:

    “Certainly one of the most frustrating feelings is when we feel like we aren’t heard. When someone’s yelling, it’s impossible for them to listen. And ironically, yelling is also a sure way to NOT be heard. When he was yelling he obviously couldn’t hear you. When you were yelling at your husband, were you listening to him? Most likely not.

    So, how do we get heard, if volume isn’t the answer? The formula is: Timing plus Authenticity minus Blame equals Effective Communication (T+A-B=EC)

    You mentioned that he took you out to a bar and you were “seething inside” and that you “barely spoke to him the whole evening.” This behavior is your attempt to get back at him. Lord knows he deserves it. Yet, what is it you really want? Do you want to be heard? Do you want your husband to “get” you?

    In that place where he’s most vulnerable, when he knows he messed up, is the place he is the most approachable.

    Men are predictable in this way – when we know we messed up we are very poor at knowing how to fix it, so we are open to hearing you.

    It’s at this point that you have a decision to make. That is the decision to express your feelings, your needs, and your frustrations, in a way that doesn’t blame or accuse him. If you choose to lash out and treat him as badly as he’s treated you, you will compound the problem.

    The last thing I want to do here is excuse his behavior. However, what you might not realize is that you had far more power in this situation than you thought. We guys, after we act boorish, are often apologetic and try to make “nice nice”. When this happens, that is your opening.

    The most powerful way to do this is to use “I” statements and avoid all versions of “you did this to me.”

    For instance, you might say: “Sweetheart, I know you’re trying to be extra nice to me, and I appreciate that, but I still feel hurt about our little episode earlier. Can we talk about that?” If he’s open to it, make sure you stay with “I” statements: “I feel completely disrespected when we have that kind of exchange.”

    If he shuts you down, yells again, storms off, then he isn’t ready. Express to him that you’re ready and willing to talk when he is.

    In my ebook I discuss in depth how to identify the actual problem and then how to articulate it to him without blame and judgment.

    For now, the answer is to NOT give him the silent treatment, but instead to speak your pain honestly, authentically without blame.”

    =>From Rori:

    “The amazing thing to notice about Jeffrey’s answer is that he, as a man and a long-time personal coach, has the exact same answer I would give – only with a man’s “energy” coming through in a very firm way – he’s very, very clear about a man’s behavior – and what’s so powerful for me is that he’s saying men KNOW what they’re doing.

    They KNOW when they’re being jerks, or “messing up.”

    It’s like they ASSUME they will do these “boorish” things.

    And also, his “I” statements are exactly what we’re talking about as “Feeling Messages” – and so you get a great idea of what a man can and can’t HEAR.

    Let me know how this post relates to the more everyday issues you’re facing with your man – even if children aren’t involved at all.

    Love, Rori



  214.  #214Emerson on September 22, 2013 at 6:25 pm

    The dating site I’m on has seriously 99% blue collar guys. I don’t have anything against them but it’s just interesting.



  215.  #215Butterfly Wings on September 22, 2013 at 6:47 pm

    Hi everyone! It’s been AGES since I was last here and I’m on holidays this week, so thought I’d come visit, seeing as I will have time to keep up!

    Thanks Zara for posting those emails – the first one is exactly where I’m at right now. And actually, I liked them all! 🙂

    I have several CDs, none of whom are offering me exactly what I want, but they’re all giving to me in some way. Some stay around for a while then go away, and another will stay, wining and dining me, taking me away, buying me clothes and other gifts.

    I am in full receiving mode and loving it!

    My focus is no longer on just one man. I have so many there that if one “disappears” for a bit, I hardly notice. In fact, it’s sometimes a relief because I often struggle to make time for them all!

    Also, I don’t ask any of them where things are going or what their intentions are, because if they want a relationship with me, they know what to do.

    So until they actually bring it up and their words and actions are congruent, then in my eyes, they are offering me nothing of that nature, and they will remain just another member in my CD rotation.

    A year ago I was struggling with major depression and probably the most challenging relationship of my life. I was miserable!

    And now here I am, still single, but HAPPIER than I have ever been in my life, and learning exactly what it means to truly believe that I am the prize! xxx



  216.  #216Millie on September 22, 2013 at 7:30 pm

    Butterfly wings,

    That sounds so amazing!! I’m so happy to hear that. It is always inspiring to hear success stories…



  217.  #217Millie on September 22, 2013 at 7:52 pm

    I feel frustrated that I know what I should and shouldn’t do with men, and yet I find myself slipping up anyway. I suppose I just need to decide to do a Rori overhaul and rid myself of leaning forward completely. As much as sometimes I get positive reactions when I lean forward, there is the unkown of what could have been if I leaned back. Here Rori is giving the recipe for success, handing it over freely, golden nuggets of wisdom, and I’m making it hard for myself by not listening.

    When I decide something…I stick to it, so from this moment on I am the woman I’ve always wanted to be.
    This blog as my witness….Scarlet O’Hara style with all you ladies here….this is my commitment to myself.
    From this moment on-
    I am the woman I’ve always wanted to be.
    I promise myself to not lean forward with any man in the dating process.
    I promise not to dwell on the past.
    I promise not to dwell on any man or his lack of action.
    I forgive myself for all the actions I’ve taken and later felt bad about.
    I am letting go of the thought that “I ruined things”
    I will let no one cause me to second guess myself.
    I trust myself completely.
    I am happy and relaxed, and unattached to outcome.
    I forgo my old ways of “seeing”

    I make this promise to myself. I have to. I can’t continue on the path I’m going, I can’t continue to feel this unsettled. I need to turn myself around. What I’m doing is not working for me. I don’t want to dwell on things anymore.

    When I make a decision, I make a decision, I say what I mean and I mean what I say and I’m committing myself to full Rori siren mode. As Elsie said awhile back- Just do it.



  218.  #218Linda G on September 22, 2013 at 7:59 pm

    Millie and everyone, I came across this today, it feels relevant:

    The world changes when we change. The world softens when we soften. The world loves us when we choose to love the world.” —Marianne Williamson



  219.  #219Zara on September 22, 2013 at 8:31 pm

    Jammy85

    Bravo to you!
    I see the love when you state your requirement for a healthy relationship. The love for yourself and the love for the world when you use your magical healing power to say “NO” to what feels unhealthy to you.

    I see the love when you take care of yourself and tell your truth no matter the outcome. I don’t call it ultimatum but stating your requirement for your life, asking what he thinks and finding out you are not on the same page, you don’t want the same quality of life. From there you decided if staying was honouring your path or not.

    Me: “For the love of myself I am committed to keep alcohol and drugs away from my life. Do you think we can have an alcohol free relationship? ”

    Him: What is it to you? It is my business what I drink, it is my health, not yours.

    Me: “I feel disconnected when I feel your personality change under the influence of the alcohol; I miss you when it happens. It feels painful. Sometimes I can feel myself losing respect and feeling totally turned off. It feels sad to lose respect and I don’t feel happy about myself when I feel these feelings. I know you don’t mean for me to feel these feelings, I know you love me but I feel rejected from the relationship when these feelings darken my heart. I need to stay away to honour myself. I really feel hopeful alcohol will stop interfering so I can feel myself healthy within our relationship.”

    Him: “I don’t like ultimatum, but I will try to cut it down a bit. I don’t want to give it up, though.”

    Me:” I can see where this sounds like an ultimatum, but, you know, I don’t have a choice myself. I want you, yet alcohol is rejecting me away from our relationship. I understand one can’t get rid of an addiction on a wink. And I will respect that you want to hold on alcohol longer. I know you do your best. And I hope you understand alcohol is keeping me away from our relationship. I don’t reject you, I love you and I miss you, this is so sad. It is the alcohol that is rejecting both of us out of the relationship.”

    Him: “No, you want to control my life. I am not giving up alcohol. You want me to be your slave. I prefer to break up.”

    Me: “Master Alcohol is in control here, and making you slave forced to break up a relationship to honour him. Me, on the other hand, I don’t want to control your life, I want to honour a healthy relationship. I feel sad that what you want does not serve the type of relationship I want. I don’t try to control what you want. You can do what you want. It just means we are not a match.”

    xxx



  220.  #220Emerson on September 22, 2013 at 9:37 pm

    Millie remember to be gentle with yourself. I feel more capable of “success” when I don’t pressure myself but rather stay true to remembering how good it feels when I take care of ME by leaning back and eating well…etc.
    You’re awesome beautiful siren and tell yourself that every morning!
    I enjoy my own company more these days! I feel happy about that.



  221.  #221Indigo on September 22, 2013 at 9:43 pm

    April Rose,

    What WM is doing is passive aggression. A passive aggressive will find an indirect way to get their own way – for example, if they don’t want to go to a party, but you really want them to go with you, they might agree, and then take so long to get ready that it’s too late to go anyway. That is pretty much what he is doing when he agrees to your requests and then doesn’t do what he says.

    I stick by my original advice to you baby girl,… Run.

    xxx



  222.  #222Emerson on September 22, 2013 at 9:46 pm

    I noticed today that I don’t have sad negative thoughts when I wake up in the morning anymore. I used to have them alot. Now I feel hopeful and I have some ideas to help myself. I hope this feeling lasts.



  223.  #223Indigo on September 22, 2013 at 9:46 pm

    Thanks April Rose & Millie 🙂

    I haven’t replied to him yet about going away… I don’t know. I do want to practice receiving his adoration but at the same time, I also know I will mostly just be going as a distraction from the pain and that makes me feel like a bit like I’m taking advantage. Oh well, don’t have to decide right away.



  224.  #224Emerson on September 22, 2013 at 9:47 pm

    221 indigo well said.
    Omg I hate passive aggressive!!!!



  225.  #225Indigo on September 22, 2013 at 9:50 pm

    Jammy85,

    I still think you did brilliantly. I see in your actions the utmost respect for yourself and I hope to one day be able to do the same if I ever find myself in such a situation.



  226.  #226Heart on September 22, 2013 at 10:34 pm

    Indigo – what happened to you and M?

    I’m out of touch with the blog.

    Thank you Millie.



  227.  #227Zia on September 22, 2013 at 11:40 pm

    I feel like I need a little step back from all the arrows being flung at me by men lol.

    Quiet time for me tonight.



  228.  #228Butterfly Wings on September 23, 2013 at 12:11 am

    217: Millie – Don’t beat yourself up. I was the queen of slip ups for almost 2 years! Just learn from each one and move on. 🙂



  229.  #229Cris on September 23, 2013 at 12:25 am

    I don’t know if April Rose must run or not. I only know that men (even Mr Right) are not perfect. I only know that positive attracts positive and anger attracts anger.
    :-*



  230.  #230Jammy85 on September 23, 2013 at 12:50 am

    Zara, I am filled to the brim with gratitude. Thank you soooo much for taking the time to share this with me….with us all. This feels like all I wanted to articulate but with such steadfast peace, strength, love and respect. A truly powerful script. I love you for showing me this xxxxx



  231.  #231Millie on September 23, 2013 at 12:53 am

    Thank you Emerson and Butterfly Wings–

    I bought Targeting Mr. Right and started watching it. I do feel like I need a bit of Rori overhaul.

    Yes, being gentle with me is probably my biggest issue to overcome.

    I did ballet for a long period in my life. I loved it, it taught me discipline, but from a young age I learned to be very critical of myself and expect a lot from me. I remember denying myself food and forcing myself to focus through the dizziness…to keep going. Mind over matter. That kind of drive served me well in my career (which isn’t ballet) but with it comes being very realistic and hard on yourself…..
    I have a lot of desire and a lot of drive. I know when I channel that into a goal I can accomplish anything.



  232.  #232Femininewoman on September 23, 2013 at 3:09 am

    Jammy85 I just typed a long post to you and unfortunately lost it. I see in your comment that you chose yourself. Being selfish in standing for what you want in your life trumps any need to avoid any ultimatum. When it comes to these kinds of things being selfish about what you want in your life and standing up for yourself is always the best choice. He will unconsciously respect you more and place more value on the relationship you had. Trust me, he knows he doesn’t want a woman who would allow unlimited drinking in her life when she knows she doesn’t want it. He also knows he doesn’t want a woman who he can 100% control. He knows he wouldn’t be able to respect her.



  233.  #233Femininewoman on September 23, 2013 at 3:14 am

    Also Jammy85 fear has a purpose and it is not always negative. You might be visualizing the negative effects of drinking and fearing the results in your life. If you ask me this fear is motivating you to take care of yourself. Any man would understand that and I guarantee you, so does he. No need for any regrets. For all you know he already hates himself for all the drinking but feel powerless to give it up. He will respect you more for choosing to walk away than choosing to try and fix him. Trust that he doesn’t want a woman who would accept his drinking because he wants a woman who truly values herself.



  234.  #234Femininewoman on September 23, 2013 at 3:19 am

    Rori thank you for this. I really love this advise:-

    The Reason We’re So Confused Is Because…

    Our instincts are to do the exact same thing as the “attacker” is doing!

    Our instincts are to strike out at him – at any one – when we feel threatened, or frightened or offended, or disturbed. When we feel out of control we want to strike out and want to strike back. We want to master the situation. In other words, we’re crying out for love, too.

    And… he can’t hear our cry for love, either. He only feels his own lack of safety and needs to strike out, strike back, get his balance back.

    He wants to master the situation.

    So this is what fear does to us. This is what our traumatic histories have left us:

    In an endless place of feeling as though the rug is being pulled out from under us, and that love is like a fine mist that just dissipates and disappears and blows away.

    If we can learn to hear with new ears, and find love and compassion BEFORE we react with fear and habit, what we get is peace and more love. And in that peace and love… we find that our urge to DO SOMETHING fights with our urge to DO NOTHING!

    It’s hard to sink into a do-nothing place, because when something’s going bad around you, you want to fix it!

    We ALL do! We want to “answer back.” We want to “straighten things out.” We want to MASTER the situation.

    So, if you’re ever feeling “mowed over” by someone, try this:

    Script Yourself In 4 Steps

    Take this position: People really want to be loving. They just have learned ways to speak in a loud voice that is very different from the way you learned to speak – in a soft voice.
    Feeling Messages are the key to this next step:
    Start by saying….
    “(put person’s name here) – I hear you, and I feel triggered.”
    “It feels like the way I used to feel when people in my life yelled at me.”
    “I know you are not yelling at me, but it feels like that.”
    “So, I know it’s MY stuff, and yet, I wonder if we’re meant to interact this way so we both learn something?”
    “I feel I’m hearing a message, though I don’t know what to do with it. I’ll just try to listen and see what’s going on for me….”
    Then,
    See what he says.
    If what he’s saying still feels to you like an attack, then…
    Just repeat yourself!
    Say exactly what you said in Step 2.
    You can also experiment with these Scripts…

    Try “Taking Turns”

    If you’re worried about him – if you think he’s attacking because he’s feeling attacked and mightily triggered – you can help the situation tremendously by “taking turns” being triggered.

    You can do this by letting him go first if he gets triggered first, and then teaching him by EXAMPLE how to “hang” with YOU when YOU’RE triggered.

    Just do your best to stay in your feelings, stay aware of what’s going on, and stay away from acting defensively.

    If he starts talking, you can say “Tell me more…”

    You can even ask “Are you okay?” As a woman, you have the power to facilitate a lot of healing in a man. Here are two more ways to do it…

    2 Ways To Facilitate Healing In A Man

    1. Not Rising To The Bait

    You can heal a man and a situation by not reacting defensively to whatever he does or says while he’s being triggered.

    This healing happens if you can do your best to not react with an attack, and yet not ignore it and act like everything’s okay when it isn’t.

    Once you acknowledge that you’ve been triggered – that you have feelings, and that what’s happening doesn’t feel good – and asked him what he’d like to do to make things better, you open the door to a great relationship.

    2. Apologizing

    Sometimes, owning YOUR side of whatever’s happened — if you forgot the “4 Steps” and said or did something he’d consider disrespectful or controlling – and apologizing is the most powerful thing you can do!

    Try all these things and see what happens!



  235.  #235Femininewoman on September 23, 2013 at 3:29 am

    Ever want to just Disappear?! …That’s shame!

    ‘Affirmation for this Week: Emotions

    Whenever I encounter shame, I respond with awareness. The more I learn about my shame, the more I live in integrity. I welcome my emotions instead of avoiding them.”

    This week we took a look at Shame! Consider this…when you experience shame ask yourself why you feel the need to restrict your energy to the point of disappearing … Really, Shame gifts us by reminding us of what we really value and are willing to take a stand for…

    Ask yourself: What must be corrected ? Is the asking for forgiveness in order? Shame can leave us feeling powerless if we aren’t aware that it is an indicator emotion

    Eram and Christel Hughes



  236.  #236Jammy85 on September 23, 2013 at 4:46 am

    Feminine woman, thank you. Your words help me feel strong and peaceful.

    He called me last night, we spoke for hours. It felt really good to get everything off my chest and feel heard. I listened to him too. It felt good to simply consider his feelings & his honesty without feeling like there’s a hidden game plan. It felt genuine and heartfelt.

    I don’t know where to go from here though. He has said he reacted because he felt cornered which automatically made him want to do the opposite. It felt like I was controlling him. I understand this much better since listening to you guys. He says he wants his future to be with me and he has sworn he will make the effort to keep it under control and has thought of a plan to do so. He says he hated seeing me so upset and he realises its a problem. I really felt his sincerity in his words, in his voice….

    I am afraid. Im Terrified. I fear all the uncertainty of the future. It feels like wool in my tummy…..getting tangled and taught.

    I realise the only thing I need to trust is my own honesty to myself. That I will care for myself above all others but not forsaking them….can it really be that easy? All the anxiety I’ve held for years can just be let go? And all I need to do is just believe in ME?? I used to. It used to come naturally. I have not felt like I could for such a long time….not since I was 11. After that I stopped trusting myself. Stopped believing my feelings and saught logic over love. Like I was growing a stiff upper lip. It feels liberating to know I don’t have to be like that anymore. I feel free and powerful. I feel like maybe it doesn’t actually matter what happens next. If i can feel truth in my heart and I keep listening to it, then I have everything I will ever need. All that matters is now.

    Right now I feel love for him…..I feel hope for us…..most importantly I feel love for my own truth, and strength and heart. I feel like a siren again.



  237.  #237Veronica on September 23, 2013 at 4:56 am

    I feel like I got hit by a bus. I don’t know why I’m so susceptible. I feel used, I feel hopeless that I’ll ever encounter a man who is interested in me. The distance between where I am and what I want seems so overwhelming, I feel like I’ll never get there. The more I CD the more I realise that I don’t want a temporary love, I don’t want male sex, I want committed to me sex, that I can’t have sex in a non-committed, non-long term relationship. I think sex in marriage is the only I way I won’t feel this broken up, and that feels so impossible. I’m barely functional and I don’t want to keep coming back to feeling like that every time a relationship ends. I think only religious men will understand this and even want this.

    I can feel that I’m becoming more sensitive, just in this year alone physically, sensorially and emotionally. I’m deeply interested in sensuality and intimacy and I feel diminished when I tell men that and they think it’s all about sexuality, and respond accordingly.

    And I’ve known this about myself for so long and I feel so frustrated that this way of being is derided – it’s not an intellectual choice for me, it’s more about me not being able to cope otherwise.

    This isn’t directed at anyone but I suspect that it’s the CDing that’s forcing me to confront my truth and be single-minded about it for myself.



  238.  #238Femininewoman on September 23, 2013 at 5:37 am

    Yayy Jammy85



  239.  #239Femininewoman on September 23, 2013 at 5:42 am

    You see. Him feeling cornered is feeling emasculated. This is him telling you to just tell him how you feel in the moment. No ultimatum necessary. Remember he has feelings too. Just keep reinforcing your trust and respect in him as a man and that you know that somehow he will take care of things because you know he will not disappoint you. Even admitting that sometimes you feel intense and overwhelmed to the point of feeling tongue tied and not knowing how to say what you really want to say. Because the relationship is important to you you want things to be easy so you prefer talking about things openly and honestly.



  240.  #240Amanda on September 23, 2013 at 5:55 am

    Feininewoman #243
    Thanks for posting this..
    ”In an endless place of feeling as though the rug is being pulled out from under us, and that love is like a fine mist that just dissipates and disappears and blows away.”
    Couldn’t describe the way I’ve been feeling about love lately. Just about a month ago I remember driving to work so blissfully happy I felt uncomfortable. I remember thinking are other people this happy all the time? Wow, what a life that would be. And I remember thinking that for me Love has seemed like something I just briefly past through and feel only fleetingly, then either I lose the feeling or the rug gets pulled out from under me. And as you aware three days later, swoop, rug gone!
    Anyway, it was good to read that this is a very common feeling.



  241.  #241Ignis on September 23, 2013 at 6:00 am

    Oh girls, you rock!

    I have been reading all the comments here, and you know what, the sun always comes after the storm 🙂 It does, that is just how it is meant to be.

    I did something different today. Since my ex toxic he lives 5 min walk away from me (though that usually is not an issue, never see him), I deliberately jogged in front of his house today at the end of my running session. And while I was at it, just in front of his balcony, I did the out of the window tool and said to myself, I am toxic free and him free, I am a woman I always wanted to be, and I do not need to wait for anything to happen. And I started laughing, and running felt good. That was also the first time I felt something out of the out of the window tool as well. It felt good.



  242.  #242Amanda on September 23, 2013 at 6:09 am

    Nillie #217
    Thanks for posting your list…I agree with the others to not be too hard on yourself…but I think you included that in your list when you said
    I forgive myself for all the actions I’ve taken and later felt bad about.
    I am letting go of the thought that “I ruined things”

    If you’re anything like me…I love a list and I love to have goals. But along the way, I sometimes beat my self up about the things I didn’t accomplish. ButI like your idea of Just Doing It. And I think you know, even if you only accomplish half your list most of the time, the universe and you are a forgiving place and that it a pretty freakin good start and well ahead of where you are right now. And probably enough to get you where you need to be.

    Good Luck, I’m copying your list Hope you don’t mind



  243.  #243Millie on September 23, 2013 at 6:45 am

    @Amanda–

    Thank you, genuinely, and no I don’t mind.
    Yesterday was a hard day for me in terms of emotion and how I felt about myself. Thank you for being supportive.



  244.  #244Amanda on September 23, 2013 at 7:07 am

    Hello Sirens. I think I got Sirened by a guy last night.

    CDelec that I just wasn’t feeling it for and was sort of blowing off a bit, called me out in a very ”familiar” way/ He asked to speak instead of txting. I said ok and he called and said he felt uncomfortable with my cancelling so much and if I wasn’t interested in dating him then he would appreciate me just letting him know and that he wished me well if that is what I decided.

    I can tell ya, it took me for a loop.. I wasn’t expecting that and it was sort of hot to hear him man up a bit in a non confrontational way and just showed he is a confident man who doesn’t mind telling me how he feels.

    Just interesting to see how these types of things look from the other perspective. Gives me knew confidence when doing it myself.



  245.  #245Amanda on September 23, 2013 at 7:19 am

    Took another Core Barre class today. Someone in the class asked the teacher why she wasn’t getting results yet. And the teacher said this.

    If your form and posture are not correct you will not be getting the same results as someone who is doing it right…but not to worry this takes time and even though you aren’t getting the most out of the class just yet, you eventually will if you keep practicing. See the fun in trying and don’t get upset if you aren’t ‘there’ yet. I’ve never seen anyone truly try and not eventually figure it out. And I’ve found the people that enjoyed the trying part he most, got there faster. Try laughing your way through the mistakes…it relaxes you and opens your mind.

    I”m paraphrasing but that’s the gist of what she said

    I thought, wow, if she had curly blonde hair and was talking about relationships, she’s be Rori.



  246.  #246Vi on September 23, 2013 at 7:45 am

    Amanda – 🙂



  247.  #247Millie on September 23, 2013 at 9:00 am

    Amanda I love that–enjoy the trying laugh your way through the mistakes. I need to laugh at myself more!!!!

    I started listening to targeting mr. Right last night and this morning. So far I realize that I have been implementing and using Roris tools more than I thought. Maybe I’m not as far away at I thought from being the woman I want to be. I also found myself saying “I’m so bad at dating” to a lot of my friends lately. Today I caught myself saying it and stopped myself….. I asked why are you saying that? What’s makes you so bad at it? And when I thought about it I came up with the answer well… The guys aren’t chasing after me like I want. I guess I’m not alluring enough blah blah blah. I stopped myself again….asked me what am I doing that’s working and what do I think I’m doing that is working against me? And also…just because he isn’t chasing you doesn’t mean anything bad about me…. He just isn’t for his own reasons that aren’t my business. So instead of just continuing to say “I’m bad” I’m going to be more specific with myself….because I am doing some things right!!

    Here are things I feel I am on the right track:
    When I go out I dress and exude the best representation of myself.
    I am warm and open to any man who approaches me.
    I go on dates with any man who asks me (at least one)
    I am honest and sincere about who I am without speaking poorly of myself.
    I speak freely in the moment without worrying what a man thinks ( the worry begins after when I playback)
    I enjoy being myself in the company of men.
    I share my feelings openly. (I beleive I do but I’m sure I can improve this)
    Lately I have been saying No to what I don’t want and setting boundaries.
    I have been choosing “relationship” vs. fwb which is something I never did a few months ago.

    I have been making positive changes. I’ll get there…



  248.  #248Amanda on September 23, 2013 at 10:24 am

    Millie #247
    Thanks…glad you thought that was interesting. I’m so tough on myself for not being ‘there’ yet with relationships…when in exercise class I feel so good just trying. I don’t need to see the end results after just one try. I can see that I’m heading somewhere and I’m so proud of myself.

    Since you’re in a motivated mood…and sounds like were in a similar place I thought I’d share something else I discovered
    Trigger work on me in many ways…I realized there are triggers about a man that make me get attached emotionally too soon before I truly know him and know that he is worth that emotional attachment. I’ve found my self getting hurt over some very short term and not very promising guys that shouldn’t have affected me that way. And I realized that this has affected my view of myself negatively and they take way too long to get over. So I sat down and made a list of those triggers and I promised myself when I run across these I will check myself (No matter how ”right” my brain is telling me this relationship is) I think when I feel these triggers I begin to lean forward and lose my sense of myself. I’m going to try to lean back and get my balance and a more clear thought process.

    Guys that are protective. (Not that protective is a bad thing…it’s just something I fall for and it triggers some chemical reaction in me that he may or may not deserve just yet)

    Guys that create forced intimacy too soon. (again guys that can open up early is not a bad thing…it’s just my trigger that makes me fall too soon)

    At some point I may think the guy is too good for me and I don’t know why he likes me. (When I have this thought I now know to step back, think about why I think that and get my mind in a better place…I can’t go one thinking the guy I’m dating is better than me…that will lead to no place good)

    I start imagining a future with him beyond just where we are right now. (This is a big trigger for me…I do this way too soon. I’m going to remember, if he’s not in front of me, he doesn’t exist)

    I think about dating the ‘future’ version of him and ignore the signs of the ‘present’ version of him. (I give them way too much credit and imagine what a great guy he will be when he finishes blank, does blank, get his blank….)

    I fell myself getting shy around him and afraid he won’t like me if he knew…fill in the blank. (This is a sign that I have closed off my heart because of fear of losing him…I will step back and fill myself with love and acceptance in any way I can and truly mean it)

    It was just something that really brought some peace to me when I realized it and made me feel very powerful and protected regarding keeping my heart safe and loved.

    What are the trigger you have with guys that will warn you when you’ve gone off track?



  249.  #249Jean on September 23, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. I have been chasing him for a year now trying hard to make our relationship work. For a month now I have been listening to Rori’s videos and trying to determine if my man was difficult or toxic. I have been leaning back, letting go, and feeling. And he has backed further and further away. We have had a few good days that would give me hope, but on Thursday we had a fight, I walked out to the bedroom and he left the house. What was the fight about? How to thaw chicken! I see now that his constant critisism, belittling me, and feeding into my insecurities really did make him toxic. He went out of town for the weekend..a trip we were supposed to take together that I backed out of…and I went hiking with a group. We have not talked since I told him I wasn’t coming with him on Saturday…a two minute conversation….and the only since the blow up on Thursday. He has a lot of stuff at my house so I will need to see him again soon. I want to tell him that it is over before I change my relationship status on Facebook and tell our friends it is over. I don’t know when that will be, I will not contact him. Please send me good energy, prayers, etc. I have a feeling I am going to need strength these next couple weeks.



  250.  #250Indigo on September 23, 2013 at 1:11 pm

    Hi Heart,

    Who’s “M”?

    🙂



  251.  #251Indigo on September 23, 2013 at 1:13 pm

    Feminine Woman 232,

    Brilliant. This is exactly what I wanted to say to Jammy.



  252.  #252Indigo on September 23, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    Veronica 237

    ((((hugs))))

    This is the beginning of strength. Awareness, knowing what you want. Celebrate it.



  253.  #253Millie on September 23, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    Amanda–I felt lit up reading that you feel like you are in a similar place. Have you done the Targeting Mr. Right program? I feel like it would be fun to do with someone and share lists. I’m happy you shared your triggers with me and are curious to know mine as well. I know I have some patterns and have been considering what triggers me to fall back into these patterns… I feel like I’m not self aware enough to identify all the characteristics in men that send me triggered. I’m not even sure I’ve dated enough to know what they are, but I will try! My ex that I was on and off with for 5 yrs had a million triggers for me…and this recent guy SparkCD triggered me to lean forward also.

    I know for a fact I feel triggered when a man I like withdraws. When he leans back, instead of letting it go, I move closer and out of curiosity will take the risk of contacting him first. I notice I like a “challenge” whatever that means exactly.

    Men a man shares his insecurities, his “tragic” past, I tend to feel triggered into liking him more. Initially it comes across as honesty and vulnerability, but in reality it has nothing to do with how he feels for me. I also feel triggered to share my own insecurities thinking he will like me more if I am on his level. I see now that I AM out of these guy’s leagues, yet I bring myself down to their level at times. WIth SparkCD- he was very open about his insecurities to the point where now that I’ve had a couple days to consider the date…I could see that self-destructive attitude getting very old very fast. I don’t want a man that is constantly talking bad about himself, feels bad about himself, and can’t receive a compliment. My ex used to be a drug addict and while he wasn’t when I met him, I always felt like they left him with a piece missing. In a way I wanted to be the missing piece in his life. I wanted to bring him all the happiness he thought he couldn’t have….
    So maybe–in trigger words: I am triggered by a man who feels “less than.”

    hmmm….those are the only two I know for sure at the moment.

    do you want to exchange lists?



  254.  #254Millie on September 23, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    @Jammy85–

    I don’t have the experience to give you advice on your issue, but I’m so happy to hear that he called you and you spoke about his drinking in a peaceful way. I am also happy to read your last sentence about feeling like a siren again….It’s like seeing/feeling light at the end of a dark tunnel. (hugs)



  255.  #255Daria on September 23, 2013 at 2:18 pm

    (((((Jean))))))



  256.  #256Femininewoman on September 23, 2013 at 2:19 pm

    (((((((((Jean)))))))))
    Good energy, strong vibes coming your way



  257.  #257Amanda on September 23, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    That’s funny Millie…because I’m just starting Targeting Mr. Right. As in the beginning I didn’t think I had a problem finding Mr Right, just a problem connecting with him. Then I realized, I’m not even clear on who Mr Right is, so I better get to watching that video. So what are you referring to by ‘ëxchange lists’ Is that in the program.

    Btw, you just added a new thing to my Trigger list. The guy that shares his tragic past with you. Now sometimes this is a turn off, especially if they have anger issues and are just griping about their childhood or basically everything in their life, but oh if they have some dark secrets they’ve overcome or some history of bad boy, I don’t know why, but that triggers me to start to get very attached too soon. And I put a lot of stock into what they say. Last CDex did just that. Told me things on our first date and at one point even told me something he said he has never told anyone…which I find very hard to believe now looking back. But anyway, that feeling of them being able to open up to me is like crack cocaine for me. LOL I didn’t know this. Thanks for helping me find that in me and remember to check myself when I meet a guy like that and know that I am liable to pay more attention to his words than his actions

    Your other one is true for me also…I may not even be interested in the guy that much, but if he pulls away, I am drawn to him like a magnet. I need to find some good tools to work with when that happens so that I can be true to myself and my feelings no matter how much he pulls away. Similar thing with the last CDex…he got angry with me over something stupid and very small and just walked out and drove home (An hour and half away) I remember thinking this guy has control issues…and I don’t know if I find that attractive…but sure enough when he hadn”t called in two days, yup I txted him. Looking back…I wish I could have focused on the tools and found my peace with whta I beleived was his problem and not mine and stood up for what I believed in.

    Anyway, I’m rambling. Let me know what you mean by lists



  258.  #258Amanda on September 23, 2013 at 2:28 pm

    Jean #249

    Yes Energy…Great Energy coming your way. I’ve been where you are…heck we all have…that’s why we’re here. It’s not simple but it can be a life changing (for the better) period in your life. I wish you the peace you will need right now. Best advice I ever got during those times in my life was from a great friend who said…Move. Not as in move away from where you live…Move your self Do something physical everyday. Whatever it is, just move.



  259.  #259Daria on September 23, 2013 at 2:48 pm

    “The woman with the worker bee mindset feels MORE attraction for a man who isn’t as invested in her because the feelings of longing and intense desire is apart of her self love she hasn’t awaken yet.”

    ~ Nicole Abundance

    wow ! hells yah i GET this! Ive been planning a power speech to bookie man about how i feel this intense and intuitive love and trust around him, and how wondrful it feels and I LOVE feeling that!

    and how i actually feel sad cuz i want to feel this way with a man that i can actually build a home with

    I GET IT!

    I definitely HAVE NOT awakened those feelings of longing and intense desire as SELF-love. I’ve felt them around certain men and I was actually judging the feelings (as addictive)

    how cool to feel that intensely about MYSELF!

    I WANT THAT!

    hells yah!!!



  260.  #260Daria on September 23, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    i feel no shame or judgement on myself ! , im just learning that its ok to fel this intense love and safety and desire ,

    and the suggestion that i can create this as SELF love kinda loses me mindwise but my heart feels like flying!!!



  261.  #261Daria on September 23, 2013 at 2:54 pm

    i fuchkin know what causes cancer! and most diseases!

    i can get teh answer to anything out of the air!

    and i was able to Eat emotions, and soon will again!

    im BEAUTIFUL! and transforming my body!

    Im gonna make IMmortality

    im WISE!! and non-judgment

    im powerful! im AWE=some like people STARE at me in awe

    my sex is divine!!

    im strong at my path!



  262.  #262Daria on September 23, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    im black and red and white and yellow…

    and now i will soon see my GREEN!

    im ALIVE!!! im a GODDESS CREATRIX!!



  263.  #263Amanda on September 23, 2013 at 3:47 pm

    Daria

    Thanks for this. I’e always been a worker bee.

    “The woman with the worker bee mindset feels MORE attraction for a man who isn’t as invested in her because the feelings of longing and intense desire is apart of her self love she hasn’t awaken yet.”

    ~ Nicole Abundance



  264.  #264Lisa on September 23, 2013 at 3:50 pm

    @Amanda I too have that issue with men telling me their past was too soon, and sometimes even on the first date ( like you said) “M2” told me he had one ball b/c one was removed with thought to be cancer… now what is that to say to a woman on the first date… during a romantic music time.. sitting together…?? Weird…

    Then “M” told me about his past and then didn’t tell me her name and thought that he wasn’t talking about her b/c he didn’t use her name.. I told him how is it much different say ex and then her names… so I have the same issues… but I’m behind on the posts…

    I want to know what it is about me that attracts men that want to tell me their pain and misery they have endured in the past.. cuz really I’ve endured a LOT and I don’t talk about it…

    I think I attract men that want me to feel sorry for them… as if that is attractive…

    OXOXXO



  265.  #265Amanda on September 23, 2013 at 3:58 pm

    Lisa #264
    Honestly I wonder if it is a combination of them being attracted to you and you being attracted to them. I mean I think all women run across guys that have tragic pasts they reveal too soon. For me, I don’t find this is all men I meet, just find that I tend to feel a connection with them. And in my case, I don’t have a tragic past. So, maybe you should examine what it is about this type of men that you respond to and how do they make you feel when they are doing this? And then recognize it as a trigger in you and know that it may bring up feelings closeness too soon that will take you off your center. Just like at ‘that time of the month’ I try to recognize that I may overreact to some situations at the office and with family and I’m a bit more careful to exercise and meditate in order maintain my center. Nothing wrong with recognizing you triggers and giving yourself a little extra attention when you spot them to make sure you are thinking and feeling clearly



  266.  #266Senior Lady Vibe on September 23, 2013 at 4:33 pm


  267.  #267Daria on September 23, 2013 at 4:37 pm

    i kinda leeaned forward by commenting on 19 man’s photos, and now i feel all whiny and needy and i wanna tell him about how i want attention/ a hug etc

    and i dont know that thats gonna make me feel better

    feeling lonely and wanting sexual attention

    (((((Daria)))))



  268.  #268Zia on September 23, 2013 at 5:23 pm

    Been listening to my body again, and giving myself what I need. I feel so much better today.



  269.  #269Amanda on September 23, 2013 at 5:32 pm

    Zia
    Good for you. Feel good today



  270.  #270formerqueenoflonely on September 23, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    loneliness is a disconnection from your own higher self. or so i’ve been told by wise ones.



  271.  #271Millie on September 23, 2013 at 10:35 pm

    Daria–the worker bee quote resonates with me too! Maybe it’s also about how we relate earning with reward and effort with achievement and validating our own selves with working hard…



  272.  #272Millie on September 23, 2013 at 10:48 pm

    Amanda– I’m only on the first few sections of Targeting, but in it you are asked to list 5 qualities about yourself, how others would describe you, qualities you want in a relationship, your core needs, and bottom lines…..I think it would be interesting and fun to develop these together….or at least continue sharing things we discover about ourselves along the way.

    I realized another trigger- When a man feels he is unloveable. My ex had that tattooed on himself and SparkCD’s admission of his low-confidence and constant put-down of himself pretty much communicates to me- Don’t love me, I don’t even love me. How could you want me when I’m A, B, and C….
    Perhaps that triggers me to be “the one” that loves them no matter what, that loves them for who they are, just as they are…..I have the ability to love like that, but I also need to have the energy coming towards me. And I think with men that choose to live a low perception of themselves, they are not able to maintain a constant flow of water towards a woman because it flows back inside them…..maybe….maybe…



  273.  #273Jammy85 on September 23, 2013 at 11:19 pm

    Thank you Millie :,) xxx



  274.  #274Tereana on September 23, 2013 at 11:30 pm

    Millie (272) – Yes!! I find that I do that, too. Maybe not all the time, or in so much of a pattern that you have. But I definitely know that I like to think of myself sometimes as the one person who could love a guy that other people would reject, or who rejects themselves. It feels like kind of a “challenge.”

    Or else I really am always attracted to that unusual thing. It doesn’t have to be “unlovable.” Just differently lovable. Lovable because it’s different. Like the two blobby Cheerios in the bottom of the box. Or my first cat, who was born with only one eye as the runt of the litter. No one wanted to adopt her so my family kept her. And I always felt a certain amount of swelling pride and specialness about loving her deeply. Not in spite of not having an eye, but precisely because she was different and therefore more special for not having it.

    I don’t actually know if it works the same way for people. Most of the guys I’ve gone out with have had all four limbs and binary receptor devices (aka eyes and ears ; ) Okay, make that all of them. : p But I guess it’s more the emotional/personality differences that I’m attracted to.

    Where it gets tricky is when it leans over from being in the zone of simply appreciating someone for who they are, and crossing over into codependency where you might want to be needed by that person because of their neediness. And because you will always constantly be “giving out” and never receiving back to the same degree, but always hoping to, you will never really feel fulfilled with them. The only thing that will “fill you up” in that scenario is the idea of trying (but not succeeding). This is akin to beating your head against a wall.

    No. If someone is not loving themselves, then they cannot love you, either. That is their “stuff.”

    But it could also be a mirror to how much you are feeling in yourself that you are not lovable, or are rejecting yourself. And reaching out and trying to “love” that person are just more ways to affirm that you are not lovable, and avoiding the issue by becoming preoccupied with the other person.

    You don’t have to “be the one” to “fix them.” You can let them be the one to fix themselves. Or not. The best thing to do with those guys, that’s easy to see from the outside, would be probably to let them go and do the inner work that they need to do to start to feel lovable (or not, because it’s their choice). And meanwhile checking in to see what’s going on within yourself that might be “showing up” outside of you.

    At least, that’s one way to look at it. I’ve been drawn to those guys, too. But now I have been concentrating much more on myself and how I feel, and (hopefully) knocking down those vicious beliefs I have had about myself, and look for men who have self esteem and who do believe themselves to be lovable.

    It is okay to be compassionate and also not get involved.

    Wow, I did not mean to write so much. I guess that post just triggered some major identification in me! Thanks for sharing about that… : )



  275.  #275Tereana on September 23, 2013 at 11:35 pm

    I’ve been having feelings for one of my old CDs come up lately : /

    I don’t want to “pine” for him. I just always have liked the warm feelings that I’ve had with him. I like that he wanted to be my friend. Hopefully not an FWB, although that’s probably what we’ve been so far. I would like to be just a friend with him. Not FWB.

    Hm. Maybe I should tell him that…

    I have a sneaking suspicion that he is seeing someone else now and that that is why he is not responding to me.

    But tonight, I had to pass by both his workplace and also the apartment building where he lives. Not by design, just by chance. And he’s been on my mind lately. He may be thinking about me, too…hm…

    The guy from FB wants to meet me. Although he lives way out of state! I’m not pushing for anything… And I wrote a ballsy letter to the guy I went out with on Saturday. He may have been taking his timing thinking about stuff. But I was feeling so grossed out in the aftermath. I really don’t want to yo-yo around with him. And I don’t want to feel pushed or pressured into a physical relationship. He is one of those guys who is pushy and pushes himself on you while at the same time saying that he “always asks permission.” I think it is the distance between what he says are his intentions and his actual intentions that makes me feel creepy and slimy and yucky when he touches me. I didn’t let him kiss me. And I’m happy I didn’t.

    I probably wouldn’t have heard from him anyway, but I let him know how I was feeling anyway….

    ‘night sirens!!



  276.  #276Indigo on September 24, 2013 at 3:15 am

    Sirens,

    I am finding it very VERY hard today.

    I am finding it hard to stay strong.

    I want to fall apart.



  277.  #277Femininewoman on September 24, 2013 at 4:11 am

    So fall to your knees Indigo



  278.  #278Amanda on September 24, 2013 at 5:31 am

    Tereana
    I know that guy! Well not that guy specifically but that guy who says he’s honest but for some reason some things he says don’t quite add up…nothing obvious, just a little bit. The guy that is such a gentlemen and always ‘asks permission’ but whose personality is so overbearing and his attitude so much like a bull in a china shop that there would be a chance to say no even if he asked.
    He’s usually describing himself as a Man’s Man. This can not possibly be true about all men like this, but I can tell you that those guys trigger me. I am easily caught up in their overt manliness and strong personality and quickly lose track of me. I’m not asking you to put up defenses or be overly cautious, I am suggesting a quiet few days of reflection of how you truly feel around this guy and moving forward with profound sense of your boundaries and take everything he says with a grain of salt and only focus on how you feel when he is in front of you.
    How long did you two date? Good for you for writing the letter. Never second guess that. I would have saved myself a world of hurt if I had done that with the last one. And I’m sure not knowing what I know now, I would have beat myself up about that letter…but it would have been the exact right thing to do



  279.  #279Amanda on September 24, 2013 at 5:45 am

    Tereana 274 Millie 272

    Just to add to the confusion, what about this perspective of the “damaged’ guy…I find that I am at first attracted to the fact that they share so much of their tragic past with me, I see it as a sign that they like me, and as a sign of being open and honest (Not always the case) Instead of seeing it as a sign of a person who forces intimacy with strangers too quickly. Which is also a sure sign for me of a flame out boy.
    Both of your posts got me wandering around in my “soup’ and I found something interesting…I was also feeling superior to him in some way and that gave me the confidence to be myself around him. I needed someone not worthy because I don’t feel quite worthy and so who could love me but someone who is tragically flawed?
    I don’t always fall for the damaged goods…I’ve met plenty of whiners, complainers and mopers in my day and they bore me…but if the guy is successful, attractive, fun and completely inappropriately damaged, sign me up for heart break.
    I’m so glad to have come across these posts and these thoughts I am having. It really has helped me find some peace in knowing that I’m feeling these things about my most recent ex as part of a regular pattern in my life and as Rori said in a post…It is a track I can walk off of.
    I do not like to judge people as I’ve met many who have been not at all what they seemed and in good ways most of the time, but I do need to protect myself…and I do need to understand what it was that made this last one so important in my mind. We dated for 6 weeks for heaven’s sake. I’ve been dumped before, I’ve felt closer to people before, I’ve had much longer relationships and I’ve had much better men leave me…why this completely flawed and tragic man has affected me is important to understand an important for me to clear up in my mind from my perspective. I need to develop tools to be clear when I meet them…not avoid them altogether. It’s like a friend of mine who is an alcoholic says…If he must be at a work function where there will be alcohol, he goes to extra AA meetings before and txts his sponsor all night.



  280.  #280Jean on September 24, 2013 at 6:00 am

    All of your comments about the man with the tragic past have helped more then you could know. I have been involved in dog rescue for 20+ years. I love the old, shy, one eyed, three legged dog…in other words, the saddest story. My boyfriend had a history of abuse, was abandoned by his wife who left him to raise three very young kids on his own, etc, etc, etc. I now realize that I have to leave the saving damaged strays to dogs and not men. 🙂

    And yes, I am moving. I am finishing up my scuba lessons tonight, hiking this weekend, walking daily. Thank you for the hugs and energy. I am feeling strong!



  281.  #281Veronica on September 24, 2013 at 6:56 am

    Indigo – 252 – Thank you! Your suggestion to celebrate it has shifted this into something positive.

    276 – (((((Indigo)))))) Is it because it’s a public holiday today?



  282.  #282CurvySiren10 on September 24, 2013 at 7:26 am

    Indigo…first~ so many hugs to you!
    second~ maybe falling apart is just what you need?! It’s okay. Sometimes we need to fall apart…then we put ourselves back together…and move forward.
    Thinking of you! xo



  283.  #283Amanda on September 24, 2013 at 7:48 am

    Indigo…agreed fall apart if you need to, but then have a plan to bring yourself back together.
    It’s been a rough couple of days for me as well. And I have sat down and let it all flow out a couple times. Felt good.



  284.  #284Amanda on September 24, 2013 at 8:03 am

    For those of you who remember the CDnervous who talked non-stop on our first date to the point that I really wanted to just leave…well I gently teased him about it and told him I thought it was cute.
    I’m feeling more and more glad I have given him another chance. He and I were just having some fun txt exchange while in meetings at work (We don’t work together…just happened to both be in meetings at our jobs) and he just said….
    BTW, my receptionist recommended I chew gum on a date which will help prevent chattiness.
    I don’t know…I just didn’t know that he recognized this in himself and that he’s actually asking people for advice on how to fix it. One thing that I like in a guy is someone who can take themselves a bit less seriously.



  285.  #285Indigo on September 24, 2013 at 8:16 am

    Veronica,

    Thank you xxx

    And yes, the public holiday definitely is part of it. It makes me miss him. It made me miss him tremendously.

    And today, I am just celebrating the fact that I didn’t contact him.



  286.  #286Indigo on September 24, 2013 at 8:19 am

    CurvySiren,

    Thank you for the hugs 🙂 and yes, I agree. Falling apart is just what’s needed at times.

    I had a good cry and a good hug from my mom, and a glass of wine, and some nice walks out in the neighbourhood. And then my mom took me for late lunch and a long chat. And after it all, I felt much better. I have much to be proud of myself today.



  287.  #287Indigo on September 24, 2013 at 8:21 am

    Amanda, thank you and ((hugs)) to you

    And yes, I’m just going to let myself cope with this as I cope with it, even if it means falling apart sometimes or often, and it will, and that is ok.



  288.  #288Veronica on September 24, 2013 at 10:41 am

    Indigo – 285 – Yay to you. Tomorrow you won’t have any regrets about contacting him to deal with, only the knowledge that you were strong today. Good to hear you good company : )



  289.  #289sequoia on September 24, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    Went an a date with a new cd (online dating date). He was/is full on, massaging my feat, holding hands. He is kind of nice, but not my type, we have not much in common and again I felt sad again as it was soooo different with my ex, when we first met on our first date.

    Do not know about you sirens but doesn’t make it even more sad when you go on dates after a break up.
    Well my break up is already two month ago, coming into the 3rd month soon, but I still seem not to be over him, even so it was only 5 month.

    We met online too and our first date was just perfect in retrospect. It all developed naturally and I felt an attraction, but not a heavy one from the start.

    With the guys I am dating now nothing can compare to it and it makes me miss him even more and want him back even more.

    Have any of you experienced that too and how did you handle it?

    Also the guy who is full on texted me already 5 times. I texted back it was nice to meet him and he texted back, It was more than good to meet you.
    And than again, wasn’t it?

    I would like to get to know him as a friend but I havn’t told him yet. I told him about my ex, that I want to take t very very very slow if anything etc.That I feel a bit overwhelmed etc.

    What else can I do.
    I don’t feel comfortable with it and I wonder maybe other women know how to handle this much better and stay cool etc.
    I do not have 3 man in my rotation, but it feels kind of weird to have one in there who is sooo overly keen and doesn’t even know me yet.

    Any advice out there?
    Thank you



  290.  #290Millie on September 24, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    Tereana 274– I agree with everything you’d said! Yes–some part of it is a challenge, some part of me probably also feels good if I can help him feel better…hmmm interesting. I am so happy that I can identify this trigger and attraction inside me! As I’ve been listening to Targeting Mr. Right- one of the questions you ask yourself is why is this man here, what lesson am I to learn? I wonder if his purpose is to show me I have a pattern, not just with one man, but within myself and I have the power to change it and not repeat it. I see now how I have been repeating a lot of my behavior and falling into habits that don’t work. Yay!!!



  291.  #291redbutterfly on September 24, 2013 at 1:03 pm

    I decided to go out one night last weekend and the widower was 2 hours away at a groom’s dinner for his nephew. I was just bored so I called a friend and asked her to go out. I told him I was going out. He is usually not this bad but he literally stayed up until 2 in the morning worrying about me. Worrying about me getting hit on (which I was) worrying about me making out with another guy (which I wouldn’t do) worrying about me walking home. He said he laid there and all his insecurities just poured out of him while he waited for me to text him that I was home safe. Then he asked me to call him when I got home. Then he begged me to come down a day early to the wedding and even got a hot tub suite for me. Hmmmm…it kind of makes me feel super wanted. Is that bad that I kind of like when he gets jealous?



  292.  #292sequoia on September 24, 2013 at 1:04 pm

    mmh I am wondering if this man , who is so open about his attraction to me, is actually mirroring my needy part.

    I am also realising a part of me likes it.
    and feels even scared that it will stop once I tell him that I just want to be friends with him.

    He might be the type who treats me with a very cold shoulder once I tell him that I am not that into him.

    And than there is this part who feels complexity turned off by his behaviour as it feels fake and just to much.

    One other guy seemed to be interested in me too but not so expressively and even felt uncomfortable with him, but more confident, as he didn’t wanted to hold my hand, massage me etc. there was still some distance.

    I feel overwhelmed by the whole dating thing, it triggers me , I feel afraid of doing the wrong thing, I feel afraid of being mean. I was trained to be the good , ever pleasing men girl. I feel bad when I do not have feelings for people who express feelings and interest for me. It makes me feel bad and icky, and also confused, maybe I am to picky, maybe I should give others a chance, maybe I am to harsh.

    But than I am not responsible for anyones feelings if I express my truth in a kind way.

    I have never shared this so openly and I have the feeling this alone is helping me.
    Thanks for reading sirens.



  293.  #293Millie on September 24, 2013 at 1:08 pm

    Sequoia–
    I don’t know your story….but from what I hear in your post you are choosing to keep new men out of your life in favor of reserving that emotional space for pining for the past. I don’t know why you and your ex broke up…but I have been in your shoes and went on many dates where I just wished it was my ex and even text him after my date was over I missed him so much. Each date made me want him more. BUT–did it make him want me more? No. Even after we broke up I kept him alive and present in my heart as a security blanket….every time I went out with someone new I reached for the blanket. I see that now. It had nothing to do with how great or amazing he was it had to do with how scared I was of getting to really get to know/be myself around other men. It’s comforting to think of how great your ex was and also very self-sabatoging to compare every man you meet and every experience they offer to Him. For me, I had to ask myself, wow this security blanket feels good, but it also feels bad…do I want to stay in the crib forever? Or find something better? As Rori says, next a good man is an even better one next to him. My advice is- enjoy every man as if it was the first date you’ve ever been on. Enjoy experimenting, enjoy that he’s someone completely different and everything is going to be a surprise! This guy that you feel is “too excited”…..let him be excited! Putting the brakes on and moving slow isn’t a bad thing, but it is if you are using it as a wall to prevent you from growing. Doesn’t it feel good to have a man excited about you? Try not to doubt his reasons why…Just because your ex isn’t jumping up and down to see you doesn’t mean no man has a right to! You are worth it!!! I say this because I say this to myself when I was feel exactly as you do…..It’s hard, I know…..but for me taking new steps feels really good! Each step I take is bringing me closer to happiness and my goals! Each new man you meet can bring you closer to that as well….so smile 🙂 and let go of the control for a bit…..I hope what I have to say is helpful:)



  294.  #294Millie on September 24, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    So as I’ve been listening to Targeting Mr. Right I’ve been having some mixed emotions…..I go from feeling happy and motivated, feeling assured that- Wow I AM doing some thing right!! I’m not as far away from my goals as I thought! Then hearing another section I feel down in the dumps….when I hear about something I could have done better. Then I feel the urge to apologize to SparkCD for leaning forward so much….then I laugh at myself because I realize- wow I’m going to lean forward to apologize about leaning forward?! Haha then I relax. I feel sad that I haven’t heard from him…but then again I feel glad that he is weeding himself out. My goal is to have a three guy rotation..in two months? Can I do it?! Can I lean back enough to let it happen? YES! Feels good to be motivated, feels really good..



  295.  #295sequoia on September 24, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    Thank you so much for your reply Milli.
    You are so right, yes, I seem to be afraid to discover myself around man, its so true. And the controll things is so true as well.
    I realised that when I am afraid and when I sense that someone might be interested who I don’t feel attracted to I get into masculine control mode, or any mode they are not attracted to to protect myself.

    I want to enjoy being wanted, and that men feel excited about me, some part of myself seems to be afraid of that, afraid of loosing control.

    So I will remember what you wrote to:
    ‘Enjoy experimenting, enjoy that he’s someone completely different and everything is going to be a surprise!
    And I am going to experiment with him, I’ll let him be excited! And see what it brings up in me. And I’ll remember that he has a right to be excited because I am worth it.
    I don’t have to reply to every text he sends…he can also call and than I can talk how I feel etc…if he calls.

    Thanks again Milli what you have said is helping me, I feel much more excited about experimenting with it now and about letting go of control.



  296.  #296sequoia on September 24, 2013 at 4:53 pm

    Just watched a beautiful movie – with lots of interesting material for sirens…shopgirl, reminds me somehow of the movie Amelie, I guess because of the narrator and so much green in the movie.



  297.  #297Indigo on September 24, 2013 at 9:43 pm

    Millie,

    That’s really beautiful advice.



  298.  #298Amanda on September 25, 2013 at 12:14 am

    289: sequoia
    Yes, it does feel strange and I know exactly how you feel. Of course we have all wanted a guy back. Have you tried just walking off that track in your mind while you are on the date? I know that’s not always easy…but I read that line on this blog and tried it today and it really worked. When the ex came up in my mind on tonight’s new CD date, I just pictured myself walking off the track and onto a really quite lovely path in my favorite hiking spot. Caution…I missed a few sentences of what the date was saying but it worked out as I just told him, I’m sorry, I’m a bit overwhelmed…you’ve shared a lot and I am having trouble keeping up. He was being a bit chatty and it also slowed him down a bit. Win/win,
    I love what Millie said about holding a place for the ex. and doesn’t this other guy deserve his chance> Wouldn’t you feel the same way if you were on a date with someone who was pining for an ex.
    It really is about what you allow your mind to do to you when you aren’t in the moment and where you allow your mind to travel. I believe this is something you have to stop and try to overcome in the moment. It is soooo hard sometimes to stop yourself from thinking about an ex…sometimes I think about mine for a few minutes before I even realize I’m doing it. But as soon as you realize you are doing it, practice changing the subject in your mind. For me what was hard is that I realized I resisted giving up thinking about him…I realized I didn’t want to let go. That felt like a loss to me. That felt like really letting go. As if the loss of him in reality wasn’t enough, I resisted the loss of him in my mind. Does this make sense? But I found out that I had to…I had to let go. I didn’t have a choice…I wasn’t going to understand why and I wasn’t going to understand what happened with that ex right now. For some reason that is just the way it is. And I need to give other people a chance to come in and get to know me. What takes time in recovering from a break up is that it takes a while for you to let go in your mind. I believe you can speed up this process by purposely not focusing on him as hard as that may be.



  299.  #299Amanda on September 25, 2013 at 12:23 am

    Millie 294
    Ha Ha. I am laughing as I read your post. I’m listening as well right now and going through a similar roller coaster of emotion. From ‘yay, I’m really good at that and already doing it’ to ‘OMG, so that is what happened with (insert cd name) no wonder he ran away, I’m an idiot’ I am forcing myself to laugh out loud when I come across an OMG moment.
    Here is a question for you and all the other Sirens
    Guys on the dating site I’m on tend to always ask me about the last guy I dated. Well the last guy I dated basically was able to pretty much break my heart in just 6 weeks…something that I don’t think has ever happened to be before that quickly. I don’t want to lie to these people, but I don’t want to go into the whole uncomfortable story when I don’t know someone. I’ve always been closed off with my emotions with people in the beginning and I think some people think I’m unemotional or cold…I’m not. Anyway, how would you handle this question from a new CD about an old CD if you’ve just gotten over a heartbreak.



  300.  #300Zara on September 25, 2013 at 2:51 am

    New thread: How To Handle Your Inner Angry Two-Year-Old

    xxx



  301.  #301Pepe on September 25, 2013 at 6:52 am

    Hi Amanda, long time lurker, randomly participate in the blog sometimes…
    Ur past is yours and nobody’s business, you just tell them that the what happened and the why’s and whatnot are just details, that relationship is in the past now and it didn’t work out…that’s it. If you want to explain go ahead you don’t than don’t, ALWAYS do what makes YOU feel comfortable 🙂



  302.  #302Amanda on September 25, 2013 at 7:27 am

    Thanks pepe
    I agree…I don’t have to be an emotional open book on a first date…but I can admit that yep, I’ve had relationships that didn’t work and I’ve been hurt sometimes but I like to see the upside to things.
    Thanks for taking the time to post instead of lurking :))))



  303.  #303sequoia on September 25, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    Thank you Amanda. Yes I can feel that I don’t want to let go too, that I am holding on to him and onto hope.

    And yet I want to change it and let go and be brave enough to let him go. Instead of hope I want to hold on to faith…to be n the flow of my life and trust that better things are coming.

    The SHOPGIRL movie is very funny by the way and the funny thing is the guy in the movie is reading the book Intimate Connections by David Burns, I have posted about in a previous thread, in the movie…made me laugh.



  304.  #304Liquid Light on September 25, 2013 at 2:35 pm

    @sequoia

    I totally hear you about having a hard time dating after a breakup. I’ve been there too. My ex and I broke up at the beginning of the year and I started dating pretty quickly because I thought I should. But I was pretty miserable on every date and they just made me feel worse. I think it was because I was comparing every man to my ex and no one came close. It hasn’t been until recently (also I moved away from the small town I was living in) that I’ve been able to date again and actually enjoy it. Sometimes I think it just takes time and that it can’t be forced. Btw It’s taken me 8 months to be open to another man. It might not take you so long but I believe that it takes time and when you are ready, you’re ready. Just my 2 cents.



  305.  #305Lemonbutter on September 27, 2013 at 10:23 am

    I feel fed up.

    (It’s my first post).

    Been reading a lot of Rori’s articles (and ebook) and I feel as if I have a HUGE task before me.

    According to my therapist I have intimacy issues. I learning to be more aware of my feelings, but have never been able to express my feelings with a man, hence broken relationships trailed behind me.

    I guess I have a fear that I won’t be able to overcome any intimacy issues I have, which is pretty big considering we woman need to be able to be truly intimate and express our feelings openly.



  306.  #306Rori Raye on September 30, 2013 at 7:40 am

    Lemonbutter – Sounds to me like private coaching would do wonders for you – and – and this goes for EVERYONE here – my Rori Raye Relationship coach Trainees are fantastic (every one of them is different and amazing in a different way, have different specialties and different personal stories for you to identify with and get inspired by) – AND each one will coach you for FREE for one hour – so you can get 10 or more sessions with 10 different coaches if you want!!!! You’ll be shocked at how much more, and how much FASTER coaching can help you than therapy – YES, I said that!!!!

    I’ll put up a page here with the references (this is only good until November 21st….)- in the meantime, write Melanie@CoachRori.com, she’ll send you the contact list, and you can start getting some solid help…Love, Rori



  307.  #307Epiphany on September 30, 2013 at 10:57 pm

    You know tonight I really feel this way too… I gave a 7 year relationship my all and all he did was lie through it.
    I seriously don’t think I have it in me to let someone else back in again.
    I guess it’s a set back.
    After being broken up for almost a year now and having every lame excuse thrown my way why he couldn’t be in a relationship, I find out that the last year we were together he was cheating on me….
    For the life of me I do not know why this hurts as bad as it does.

    I seriously thought I was over this relationship but with this new twist, I really feel back to square one, even though I’ve come so far with Rori this past year..

    Any advice on setbacks and why this is hurting me so much right now and how to take in the anger to make something constructive out of it?



  308.  #308Lemonbutter on October 2, 2013 at 8:04 am

    Thank you Rori, I really appreciate the response and the advise.

    I will email for the contact list and get on it.

    Much Love



  309.  #309Femininewoman on October 2, 2013 at 8:41 am

    Epiphany for some reason I believe that if you just allow yourself to believe that you can be happy again you might be able to date. Maybe if you were cdating and opening up yourself to other men it might help your energy systems, your heart, mind and body to continue moving forward. As long as no one else is in the picture I believe this is likely to keep coming up.



  310.  #310Allie on October 2, 2013 at 10:15 am

    Hi (I am not sure this is where I should post. I have sent this to several of your coaches…but I wanted to make sure you saw it. I feel devastated.)

    I have been through Rori’s complete collection. I started in Feb of this year. I quickly attracted the man of my dreams and got married to him. I wanted for nothing…it was the classic text book Rori Miracle! We have been married for 4 months. 3 days ago he told me he wanted a divorce…that all his feelings have gone. We were making love up till then 2 times a day on average with the same love and intensity that we began with…. Up until about 3 weeks ago he treated me with the same love and intensity that he began with. I have done…and have kept doing (not always perfect…) all of the R. R. concepts…. I do know that he is struggling with inner self worth issues…Rori mentions this but does not do a lot on it. I am heart broken! I am trying to hang on to all the R.R. principals… I was diving into the lovescripts for relationships for the last 3 weeks. I have started again with reconnect your relationship in the last 2 days. I get really confused about where my focus should be… If you can help I would so appreciate some insight. Thank you! Allie (I am not sure this is where I should post. I have sent this to several of your coaches…but I wanted to make sure you saw it. I feel devastated.)



  311.  #311Rori Raye on October 2, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    Allie – OMG – so sorry! and yes, please get some help right away….all I can sense is that there’s something going on with this man that has NOTHING to do with you…..Love, Rori



  312.  #312Allie on October 2, 2013 at 1:37 pm

    Thank you Rori
    Your work has so changed my life…it was so magical what happened uptil now…! it will be a even bigger testimony to your work if it can turn this around. Just a little star dust!



  313.  #313jessica on October 3, 2013 at 4:48 pm

    I have been dating this guy for three month, I know that isn’t long but things were going so well. than he found out that he was being transferred by his company four hours away. Since than it seem to me that hes trying to push me away, by not going threw with plans, or having to work. We never really talked about anything and than he left, and said that we would talk soon. a week has gone by since he left, and we have had one conversation, and during it he explained that he needed to get settled and than we would see. I the mean time he came home for an emergency and he didn’t even let me know. I am so very lost and I don’t know what to do…….



  314.  #314Rori Raye on October 4, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    jessica – please read everything you can here – and THEN, if you think about this man again, I’ll slap you! Learn how to Circular Date and never, never never get hung up on ANY guy (especially at only 3 months!) you just need skills and practice and to do this in a completely different way. Giving a man this kind of emotional power over you is NOT helpful to getting the love and relationship you want. We did this in junior high school. The time to do it differently is NOW. Love, Rori



  315.  #315Karen on October 6, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    I enjoyed reading and always respect views of others. Bottom line, If your a good person, have heart, soul and love for yourself, people are drawn to that positive personality. You can’t make no one love, respect nor adore you. I have loved the same man for over two years and I have told him that I love him many times. He has yet to express the words,” I Love You” to me. I know he cares for me and maybe he does not love me as I love him. I don’t expect him to nor do I want him to tell me he loves me unless he truly does and I am ok with that. The most important thing for me is that he knows that I do love him and always will. My heart is content



  316.  #316Dominique on October 7, 2013 at 10:18 am

    Karen – And there are more ways to say I love you than with words.

    xxoo



  317.  #317Cris on October 7, 2013 at 3:42 pm

    Karen, I don’t know why, but I feel you are brave <3



  318.  #318Erica on October 15, 2013 at 1:25 am

    Rory. I am nearly 55 and for the past 2 1/2years had been seeing this man. He was a true gentleman. Would open doors, hold my hand down the street, hold my hand over lunch and coffees and even after having dinners with me. He was everything I have ever wanted in a partner. Unfortunately he was also in a relationship kind of he says for quite a few years. People would always look at us, we were the perfet couple who exuded our love. I’m not being naiive in saying that, it was true. Anyway, I found out he had also been seeing someone else. My biggest fear at the moment is that I have always known that when I pass it will be from a broken heart. Sound pathetic and stupid? I gave my all heart, body and soul and now I am feeling so lost. Please help me. I’m not going to do anything stupid. But we were extremely old souls and at this point in time I’m finding the pain unbearable but I know it will pass. Just doin’t know when



  319.  #319Rori Raye on October 15, 2013 at 5:00 pm

    Erica – I’m going to both give you the hugest hug – and be very TOUGH on you. 55 is YOUNG. And you’re making up all this “love is pain,” and “dying from a broken heart” stuff. Life is not a movie or a novel. Sorry – but everyone here has had emotional pain – and to imagine that your pain is going to do you in is unacceptable to the rest of us. Yes, we understand, and we’re not going to let you even go there in your MIND!!! “Pining” is WAY overrated, and so is the “beauty” of heartbreak.

    What you need is help accessing the wonderfulness that is reality, that is truly loving and respecting and trusting yourself. What you need is SKILL.

    Giving your heart, body and soul to a man who is sharing himself with other women in addition to you, is a NOT self-affirming thing, and overcoming whatever it is in you that allowed yourself to go so deep into that, and now go so deep into the “pain,” will require some skill and practice to learn those skills.

    Please take advantage of my Coach Trainees for free – here’s my first recommendation for you: Dianne Povey – http://www.CoachDianne.com. What’s going on with you seems to me to be a specialty of hers…Love, Rori



  320.  #320Diana on October 25, 2013 at 5:06 pm

    Any recommendations for a coach to deal with learning to put myself first and break some enabling habits that I have.
    I tend to find myself in relationships with emotionally unavailable men and instead of getting out I accept the behavior, try to change it and complain about it, not sure where the I need to tolerate it comes from and not sure I really need to know, just want to move forward and work on feeling good and giving to me instead of giving to men with little return.

    Thanks!



  321.  #321Emma on October 25, 2013 at 9:24 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I hope this is ok to post here. I had sent an email about two weeks ago but I’m not sure if it got to you personally.

    I know you must get many many emails each day with woman asking the same questions but I would really like to share my recent experience with you and hopefully find my way forward.

    I met a guy online in February this year. He was different to the other guys who had contacted me as I am not comfortable posting my photo online he was one of very few who asked to get to know me and NOT just ask for my photo. At this time I was talking to a few guys on the dating site and had several dates lined up. After my first date with this particular guy I felt I was really drawn to him however I continued to stay on the dating site and talking to other guys. This all went well and we went on several more dates. I had mentioned I have other dates lined up even though he said he won’t be contacting anyone else as he is “dating” me. Another month pasted and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes and had been happily in a relationship since.

    He was the one moving the relationship forward. I never did anything I was not comfortable with but I went with the flow and I opened my heart up to him. He lives an hour away for his work and so we only see each other on the weekends. On the nights we are together he will stay over at mine. (i have one flat mate) I was not over functioning when he stayed over. I would have the fridge stocked but I wouldn’t go out of my way to have everything HE likes ALL the time. I focused more on my feelings than actively doing doing doing.

    NOW he was the one to ask us for exclusivity. He said I love you first. He planned for us to go interstate to stay with his family (who were all very welcoming and made me feel very comfortable) he talked about us getting our own place and so he wanted us to start getting bedroom furniture together. We purchased a bed and side tables together as he suggested. We did have our first disagreement over the design but I continued to express how I felt rather than making him wrong. When he wanted a particular design I didn’t like I would say “I don’t feel excited over this design or I feel overwhelmed trying to decide. instead of saying “Eww that’s gross what’s wrong with you. This worked very well and we found the perfect compromise.

    He recently made plans for us to go interstate for Christmas and see his family and I said that would feel good.

    He has pulled away a few times but I remember that this can be a mans way of dealing with his feelings when he is getting closer. so I pulled back and kept the tension in the rubber band. He would then snap back to me and move closer again.

    The last month though things have been different. He is having troubles at work and isn’t sure if he will have a job to go back to next year. I was supporting him but also remembering to make sure their was compassion for me and what I feel. He said he may have to move back home interstate if the worst happens. He continued to plan our future and said he will get a place up north and we can move in together.

    He recently called himself my husband instead of my boyfriend in random conversation with his mates. I would often practice the waterwheel tool and remember that I am the air he needs to breath.

    Then 3 weeks ago He picked me up from work on Friday night and we had dinner with a friend of mine. Everything was normal. Then that night was perfect as ever. Come Saturday morning I can feel something is wrong but I didn’t know if it was just the time of the month talking or if I had a reason to feel worried. He only wanted to lay in bed all day and watch cartoons. I remembered to go into the kitchen and wash the dishes SLOWLY! looking at the details and slowing myself down. He did come down to check on me. We went to the movies that night but over dinner I felt he was being rude towards me. He just pulled away when he was looking at his Facebook on his phone when normally we comfortably look it over together. He went to the bathroom before the movie started and was taking much longer than normal. I figured it was ok. During the movie he never reached over to hold my hand when we would normally cuddle. I could hear your voice in my head telling me to push it all down into the pelvis and slow everything down. still no budge. after the movie we went to the supermarket. I noticed he was texting his ex. (he has never hid it from me that they are friends and he has always been open about their relationship) as you say if you trust yourself you don’t ever have to worry about trusting a man. But suddenly I didn’t feel that trust. He hardly helped me pick the items in the grocery store he just pushed the trolley with his elbows as he text her. He wasn’t listening to wait I was saying and I just wanted to go home.

    Before we went to bed I said I’m feeling disconnected, is their anything I need to know? he insisted everything was fine.

    Morning comes and he is still texting her from OUR bed that we purchased because it was HIS idea.

    I did the unspeakable and checked his phone when he was in the shower. I only did it because I was feeling like I needed to know something he wasn’t telling me and I wanted to be sure my inner voice was telling me the truth.

    As I feared they were talking a little to personally for my likings. It was more sexting than texting.

    I didn’t confront him that I checked his phone. I waited a little later in the day as I went on about my things around the house SLOWLY looking at the coffee in my mug but he still didn’t check on me.

    Around midday I went back up to the room and said whatcha doin? he said he was just texting her because she is bored. I said calmly that I understand they are friends and feel comfortable with that. but I don’t feel comfortable with you texting her so much from our bed when your with me. (Yes I know even though I delivered a feeling message I also made him wrong) he said “what’s the problem you text your friends all the time” I replied that I don’t text ex boyfriends let alone in bed with you. it feels disrespectful to me. He threw his phone down and sat in the bed. I asked him if he thinks it’s not a problem to be texting your ex girlfriend whilst in our bed with me. he said no it’s not a problem. I replied with “well I feel disrespected and that’s not a good feeling so if you disagree maybe you should leave”

    Well sure enough he packed his things and put them in his car. I was shocked that he actually did it and didn’t want to fight for us at all. I asked him to take his kitchen things too. he said he can come back for them but I said it’s best to take everything now.

    Before he left I said can we please go for a walk and talk about this before you leave. so we did. I asked what happened and he just said “I think we should see other people” he then said he wanted to break up with me this weekend but was waiting for my flat mate to go out so we could be alone. (I don’t believe this as just the day before he was confirming dates for our next interstate stay with his family) I calmly said “I’m feeling confused, why were you wanting to plan all of this with me if you want to break up” he said he just doesn’t love me anymore, we are too different, and he only asked me to go interstate so I wouldn’t feel excluded from his plans. I reminded him we have a brand new bed upstairs that was his idea and he said he thought he wanted a relationship but now with the stress from his work he doesn’t know what will happen so he wants to be the bigger person and break up with me now and not wait until he may become unemployed. I reminded him I just asked him to leave not the other way around.

    before he got in his car he had the nerve to say “oh but if you ever want to go out for coffee as friends just give me a buzz” WTH?

    he told me I will find a man who is better suited to me who will take better care of me than him. (our relationship “was” pretty much perfect so I don’t see how that could happen)

    One more thing I was too embarrassed to say earlier is that he said I smell on the Sunday morning (I had just had a shower) and when he left I noticed the only thing he had left in the side table was his deodorant. that makes me feel really hurt and embarrassed.

    I have opened my online dating profile again as of 3 hours after he left. I don’t feel ready to meet up with anyone yet but I want to get out and feel like other guys want me as strange as that may sound.

    I now feel so confused and don’t know where I went wrong or what happened. I had constantly been circular dating without actually dating anyone else. I had expressed my feeling messages and he was the one moving the relationship forward.

    I’m now feeling very glad I listened to my little voice telling me something was up with him and his ex that I needed to know about because I saw proof of that on his phone. but at the same time I feel the usual end of the world death feeling after a break up. I might add this is the first man I have ever opened my heart to since my abuse father hurt me as a child. I didn’t want that to stop me from allowing a man to love me so I didn’t but now I feel the pain and want to move past it.

    This will now be the third weekend since we broke up. I have not contacted him, in fact the same day he left I was already back on the dating site. I am talking to a few guys on the site even though I don’t know if I feel anything for them I can at least use them to help me heal right?

    Im moving on but I am feeling really angry that he hasn’t even tried to contact me since. like we never met. I want to move on but I also love and miss him. I miss being with him and I feel like he has just moved on. I am trying to move on too and am focusing on myself, reminding myself how beautiful I am inside and out. how I am a siren and how every man wants to be with me. but I’m still having a few weak moments where I feel hurt by him and confused.

    Sorry this is so long thank you for you time

    Emma



  322.  #322Dominique on October 26, 2013 at 10:31 am

    Diana – Awareness is key and the first most important step. With awareness you can change anything. And this you have.

    If you’ve been on this site at all, you may have seen that I’m here regularly, a friend of Rori’s as well as an established coach. I

    I would love to help you in any way I can. Clicking on my name will lead you to my site if you want to learn more about me and how I work.

    xxoo



  323.  #323Rori Raye on October 27, 2013 at 3:00 pm

    Emma, I’m so sorry for your pain – and sometimes – it’s just not a match. Next time, you’ll trust your intuition more, and not let any man text any other women continually this way. Love, Rori



  324.  #324Emma on October 28, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    Hi Rori,

    Thank you for taking the time to read my long story, I appreciate hearing back from you.

    He sent me a text over the weekend:

    Hey emmy
    How are you??
    I can understand stand if u dont want to talk to me. But I want to say that im sorry for hurting you im still feeling sad that I broke up with u.

    I can’t believe he has the nerve to say he broke up with me. I asked him to leave my house.

    How would you reply to this?

    thank you

    Emma