Pregnant, Dumped and Bad-Mouthed – How to Save Yourself

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I love posting “extreme” situations – where the pressure and pain and frustration and fear and anger are incredibly intense because of the circumstances. If I can help a woman in this place to pull herself out, turn things around, feel better and get some really good and happy results in her life – then it makes us all feel hopeful for our own situations.

Here’s a letter from Alice, who’s in a profoundly painful place:

“Hi Rori,

I am writing to ask you how to deal with a man who suddenly changed and turned away from me and now throws false accusations against me.

I am pregnant and when we found out, he was ok or seemed ok with it. He accepted it, cared and supported me during my first few months. When I inquired about getting married, he said that its not a good reason for getting married and that I dont have anything to worry since he will be there and can be relied upon. Last December, I went for a holiday to visit my parents for a month. He even brought me the airport. I thought everything was okay. During the last few weeks of my vacation, I could not contact him nor could I receive text messages in spite of my repeated texts.

I came home this January and I was shocked to find a woman in his house.  Apparently, what happened was that he reconciled with his wife last Christmas and has told the wife and our friends many lies. I am being accused of lying and tricking him into bed just so I could get pregnant and have him for myself. He said it was a calculative plan on my part to catch him.

Rori, I did not know that he is still married. What he said to me and our friends is that he is divorced and often refers to the woman as the ex-wife. Now the truth came out that they are not divorced legally (without papers) and has decided to get back to each other.

I was devastated and what pains me even more is that he said he will deny my baby because he said he is not sure if it is his. I was also distraught by the fact that he does not want to face or even talked to me. He changed his number, it was the wife who faced me when I got my things from the house and when I requested for a talk, it was the angry wife who answered telling me to leave them alone.

I have not talked or seen him since I left so I wanted to get the facts straight from him. I met him at our building lobby but he was cold and walked straight on. I requested for a talk but said he doesnt want to talk. Rori, I swear I could see that there was no compassion in his eyes. I asked about what happened over the holidays and how things have suddenly changed and he simply said that he just opened his eyes. I also asked him if he honestly believes I tricked him into bed and if the baby is not his, and he said yes, he believes it.

Rori I am so distraught. I could not sleep and eat. I did not know what happened to him. It was as if a light bulb went on and he changed directions. I do not know if he was scared of the responsibilities and wanted a way out, or got suddenly reconnected with the wife and wanted to dump me just like that. What is harder to accept is that he doesn’t have the balls to face me and tells many lies about me. The most painful one is really about saying that he is not the father of my child.

Rori, since he doesn’t want to talk to me, I am trying to accept the fact that I will not get to talk to him anymore or get any explanation or closure. My friends who intervened said they cannot make him get to talk to me so I just gave up. I read your blog and I know you have repeatedly said, we cannot force men to do things that they don’t want and explaining, requesting, asking why is just a form of control-speak that doesn’t and wouldn’t work.

I wanted to write instead a long feeling messages letter to him for the one last time but I dont know if it is the wise thing to do. It seemed that whatever I will say will not change things. I feel furious about all the lies he has told about me and my friends believes, he took me for a ride and gave me false hopes. Rori, I know there were signs, I heard bells ringing but I ignored it. Before I could heed the alarm bells, I got pregnant and he acted ok so I thought and had all the expectations that everything will be ok. But its like over the holidays, when I was away, he just suddenly realized his mistake, got scared or got back to his wife and completely turned his back on me.

This is an extremely painful situation for me but I have to take care of myself since I am pregnant. I have resolved that I will no longer text, call, see or have anything to do with him and I will just focus on myself and the baby.

However, I wanted to clear my name and prove that I am not those things that he is accusing me. I plan to file for a case of slander since the woman is threatening that she will tell my office about my misdeeds and that I am a hooker and tricked his husband to bed. I also plan a to use the full force of the law to subject him to a DNA test to prove the identity of my child. I want an apology and a retraction of his statements.

Rori, I would like to ask if the direction that I am taking is right. Should I just turn my other cheek, forgive, forget, forgive myself and move on and let time run its course? Lawsuits are long and messy and I do not know if I could take the stress but I feel that I have to do it for my baby to prove his identity. Should I insist to file for a lawsuit to determine the identity of my baby or just let things be? How does one begin the healing process, the moving on in this very, very painful situation.

Extremely needing help, Alice”

And here’s my answer:

Alice, forget about this man.

He is OVER.

You now have to take care of you and your baby. Here’s a list of action steps to take, and then we’ll talk about the emotions:

1. Consult a lawyer. A free legal clinic will do.

2. When the baby is born – you get a paternity test, and serve him with the legal papers you need to get financial support for the baby from him.

3. Get financial aid if you need it (food stamps, welfare, whatever you need).

4. Work really hard now – focus yourself COMPLETELY on finding a way to make good money to support yourself and baby.

5. Find support groups on line and in person in your city for women in your situation.

6. Focus on taking care of yourself and baby. Do not spend ONE MOMENT worrying about what this man thinks, what he’s said…makes NO DIFFERENCE.

If he’s the baby’s father, he has to support it with a certain amount of money. It’s the law. (If you don’t need his money – then just stay away from him completely. Get as far away as you can emotionally and otherwise. But know that he may change his mind and want to know the child and be a father to it…be PREPARED for anything.)

Love, blessings, Godspeed, and I know you can do this, Alice.

You’re strong. This is about you and the baby.

You made a mistake with this man. He turned out to be BAD. Don’t make more mistakes by trying to “right” this one. MOVE ON!!!

Love, Rori

Okay, now how can we use this in less extreme situations?

1. First – we figure out how to get our “boy energy” in gear.  We put on our boy hats, get ourselves into action, get out there and do what we need to do to take care of business and take care of ourselves.

This could look like signing up on online dating sites, focusing on learning how to field the emails, phone calls, and first-meet dates with new men in a Circular Dating way.

This could look like Dating Yourself if you’re already in a relationship.

This could look like getting a better job, or starting a business, or getting out there and marketing the job and business you have to get more clients, business, and money.

This could look like handling your money, your surroundings, your clothes, hair and nails…everything in your life that’s in the job description of your masculine energy.

This is about your inner rock, your inner tree, your inner boundaries, your all-over sense that you are OKAY, that you can take care of yourself, that you’ll be alright.

This is the part of you you can lean on and trust.

Next…

2. We slowly open up our hearts 100% to what feels good, and we express and share what we feel.

This could look like: Sharing your feeling state with everyone and anyone, about everything and anything – in the moment – using Feeling Messages.

This is NOT exploding, venting, drama-making, attacking, criticizing, accusing, blaming, or any of the forbidden things my “4 Rules” is all about (if you’re not familiar with my essential Tool of the “4 Rules,” it’s in all my programs – because it’s SO important – and you can get it the easiest in my ebook Have The Relationship You Want.

It’s not about doing any of those things even in your head.

This is about feminine energy Expressing and Sharing…

And…for now – that’s enough.

3. Just doing these 2 things will trigger your emotions.

Every step of the way, sometimes every moment, you’ll have to make the decision of whether you want to play safe and small and stay where you’re comfortable back in the world of where you were and where you are, inside and out…or whether you’re willing to feel strange and uncomfortable, and new, and weird, and chaotic, yes, by feeling what you feel and moving forward anyway.

The decision I want you to make is to let your “boy” work hard in service to your “girl.” To encourage your boy to work hard for your girl.

We’re all afraid that if we let our inner boys get strong, we’ll make love, romance, and men in general “irrelevant.”  But it’s just the opposite.

It’s where we USE our inner boys and girls that make all the difference. It’s where we choose “action” and where we choose “being.”

If we choose action where we should be choosing being – we’ll push love away.

If we choose being where what we need is action – we’ll stop moving, we’ll feel paralyzed, and we’ll feel weak and needy inside.

The key here is: Vulnerability is not weak.

Vulnerability requires inner strength.

Your inner boy has to be working hard enough so that your inner girl can “let go.”

And when you learn to do that…everything starts going right.

More on this…

Love, Rori

49 Comments

  1.  #1Carol on January 20, 2010 at 4:16 pm

    I understand how Alice feels. Being pregnant is a difficult situation to be in. I was in that situation many years ago & the man even left the country to get away from me.

    Now my daughter is grown & I am so happy I gave birth to her. She is the light of my life & her father is just a distant memory & not worth thinking of.

    It was very difficult going through what I did at the time but so well worth it in the end.

    Hang in there.



  2.  #2Rori Raye on January 20, 2010 at 4:18 pm

    Carol – thank you for the lovely comment and encouragement, and for sharing your story. Welcome. Love, Rori



  3.  #3Robin on January 20, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    My heart really goes out to Alice. I really just cannot imagine what she must be feeling, and I pray that this is transformed into something beautiful.

    XXXOOO



  4.  #4Lisa on January 20, 2010 at 4:49 pm

    I am very sorry for Alice’s predicament. She says she saw the “red lights” but ignored them. We all do so at our peril.

    Rori, I like what you say about the boy energy in service to the girl, so the girl can “lt go”. It is the Yin/Yang – anima/animus in all of us, but you explain how to engage the two impulses. I have never heard it explained before. I always thought it had to be one or the other. You make it like a dance with ourselves. I like that.

    Thank you.



  5.  #5Lola on January 20, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    Wow – my heart goes out to Alice too!

    I thought this was an amazing post and loved the response!

    Off topic and on a positive note:
    It occurred to me today to thank the universe for the lovely brave man who comes and flirts with me every day at work, always smiley and compliments me and, though I don’t feel super attracted to him (though I would go for a coffee with him) it just feels fantastic, because he is intelligent and funny I feel he is showing me there are some great guys out there! ☺



  6.  #6Hebe on January 20, 2010 at 7:53 pm

    Alice like Rori said Focus on taking care of yourself and baby. Use your boy energy to plan for your baby’s future and yourself.
    I have a lovely daughter with me now and I feel so blessed to have her beside me. I had some difficulties too when i was pregnant. he my ex huband now trying to get back with us. but I feel like we don’t need him anymore.
    We will be praying for you. *hugs*
    Remember once you passed this, your bright future is waiting for you. You can do it and I believe you do.
    sorry for my poor english. thats make me hold myself for not commenting here. now i did 😀 but still i am scared of misunderstanding. i’ve been in love with rori’s work since last year. You are gorgeous Rori. Can i say you saved my life? i feel like crying now. I wish one day I can meet You in person.



  7.  #7Anne on January 20, 2010 at 8:16 pm

    My dear,

    How I wish I could put my arms around you, and comfort you now!

    Just put one foot in front of the other throughout each day. Do that, love and cherish “the one within you”, and take joy in the fact that you have a companion now on life’s journey! Your child will give you strength, beyond anything you could find for yourself alone.

    The first time you see your child’s face, you’ll be so happy that you went forward with courage! There is nothing like a child; it’s the most overwhelming love…

    It never helps to try and defend yourself against cruel gossip. Just hold your head up high like the queen you are, and let them talk. Remember, you are better than they are! And as my grandmother used to say, “When they’re talking about me, they’re giving someone else a rest!”



  8.  #8Tracy on January 20, 2010 at 9:29 pm

    Lovely post…..
    It feels so difficult when the tables turn and life takes a different turn for whatever reason.I have often felt betrayed by this and the feeling of separation from the world and from love….
    I love Rori’s advice and i am reminded that n matter what happens i am not to remain a victim…i have power over my life my happiness.
    I feels that there is synchronicity in everything that happens and sometimes it feels hard to see but everything happens for a reason and the reason is love…To remember this feels more softer on my wounds and hurt feelings and i feel healing.



  9.  #9Rori Raye on January 20, 2010 at 11:34 pm

    Anne, Welcome, and thank you for your beautiful help…Love, Rori



  10.  #10Maria on January 21, 2010 at 12:09 am

    Oh My God, l almost cried reading this – although l am not in this situation myself, it totally touched me. Im so very furious – how can a man ever ever do this to a woman, does his heart rest in peace, watching telly in the evenings, having beer, knowing what he has done, what lies he has built up. When he is old, does he feel happy knowing what he has done…l feel so angry right now!
    My heart goes to Alice but what comforts me is that in the letter l sense strong personality, a survivor, a good woman, who can go through this. It just takes time, step by step. One day she will have all the good she has ever wished.



  11.  #11Tina on January 21, 2010 at 12:32 am

    I feel compassion for Alice and her situation. I was talking to someone today, and this persons friend found out his g/f is pregnant, she is going to have an abortion soon and he has left her, but before this all happened everything seemed fine, he was in love and she was the one for him, when he found out she was pregnant , he started to question whether she was the “one” for him, so it wasnt like she had made her decision to have an abortion until later, the guy has since started talking to another woman because she is more “spiritual” GIVE ME A BREAK!

    Alice, I know your situation is not like this, yes there is hope, I like what Rori says about using your boy energy to take care of your girl energy. There are plenty of single successful mothers, YOUR HAVING A BABY! that is great news.



  12.  #12Daria on January 21, 2010 at 12:53 am

    ohhh you guys are so great … i feel sobbing…



  13.  #13orchard on January 21, 2010 at 3:08 am

    Dear Alice

    Feeling so much for you. It is such a hard thing to be carrying your precious baby and feel abandoned and rejected by the man you have loved. For him to become a stranger to you when in another world he would have been there for you and loved you both. I really hope that you have good friends and family who can carry you through, because despite how good you are at doing all the practical stuff, you need people to love you and share this time with you. I have felt abandoned too, suddenly left alone with my five children and it is my friends and family that have carried me, when I felt I couldn’t keep going.

    Your baby will be the best thing that ever happened to you and life will open up for you in wonderful ways because of this new little being.

    Rori, I thought your clear explanation of boy and girl energies was great. I often get caught up in despair, when faced with the enormity of what I have been left with and the idea of breaking things into the necessary action, without abandoning the feeling and being places made such a lot of sense. I often feel that my emotions are “wrong” and “unhelpful” largely because my husband was such a cheery and capable person that he never felt down or discouraged or afraid and he would get exasperated with me for being emotional or upset. In fact, this is the reason he cites for leaving me, that emotionally I was just too difficult. All the chaotic and sad and dark places inside me were not only unacceptable, but also made me not good enough.

    I think it is interesting that the more he told me not to feel things, the stronger the feelings became.

    I am working on trying to make it all about me rather than all about him. Yesterday, in the middle of a busy day, I went off to the local ice-rink and wobbled around by myself for an hour. It took so much concentration that my brain was empty of pain and sadness. Small baby steps xx



  14.  #14Lola on January 21, 2010 at 3:28 am

    “I think it is interesting that the more he told me not to feel things, the stronger the feelings became.”

    Yes this feels familiar.

    Great idea to ice skate – seeks symbolic of brave baby steps.



  15.  #15Lola on January 21, 2010 at 3:30 am

    That should have read ‘seems’ and feels symbolic of brave baby steps : )



  16.  #16Flipper on January 21, 2010 at 5:53 am

    Yay for you Orchard – I can just see you on that rink, brow furrowed, little embarassed smiles at mistakes and a big happy grin taking off your skates.

    Maybe your husband is going off the deep end now because he no longer has you to do for him all the ‘bad stuff’ he couldn’t accept about himself. This actually makes me think there can be hope – if he can realize his problem is within and learn to face it. I just remembered that al-anon, the support group for families of alcoholics, or something similar might be useful to you and/or your children right now. I believe they help you in learning to cope, and also give guidelines for effective ways to deal with the addicted person.

    I, too, feel compassion for Alice, and wish her strength and happiness. Reminds me of the gratitude I feel that my kids’ dad stuck around even if it wasn’t up to my hopes or specs. I know it was my own self-esteem issues that kept me from being myself and thus giving him a true chance to get inspired.



  17.  #17Linda on January 21, 2010 at 6:19 am

    ONE of the reasons I love this blog so is that it is here to show us how to be healthy, strong, beautiful women. Faced with the unexpected, betrayal, devistating hurt, abandonment…. we find new strength and beginnings that grow beautifully out of what seemed like an end.

    Hope and possibility are in each day, looking for that, hidden as it may be it is always there.

    You are not alone.

    Hugs… Linda



  18.  #18AAH on January 21, 2010 at 8:17 am

    It was said reading Alice’s story because I experienced something similar though not so brutal. Pity we don’t pay attention to our intuition when we claim we are in love but there is life after. Alice you are the winner here because he will not feel good in himself no matter what he puts out in the world. His wife will never be able to really trust him again as she will always be worried that he will want to be a father to the child. This also tells you that he must have done something similar to his wife and will possibly do it again in the future. I think he is a toxic individual that is not worth the pain. Your child will make life worth living and universe will send an abudance of help for you. I guarantee it and you will find the love of your life. That is where I am at now. May God bless you and the child.



  19.  #19Turtle Girl on January 21, 2010 at 8:31 am

    The more he told me not the feel things the more you felt things—-

    Well yes. This makes perfect sense. This reminds me of a little boy tugging at his mother’s coat tails for attention. The more he ignores him or tells him to go play, the more he tugs and soon if she continues to ignore him he might cry, or then scream or at some point have a full out meltdown. Now the little boy is really angry because his initial need is not getting met.

    If the mother had just picked him up, gave him a hug, calmed his fears, showed some empathy for just a minute, then he would have happily skipped off to go play, being filled up with his emotional needs and comfort being met.

    The child and soft spot in us all need that from our significant other and when we do not get what we need we do not stop feeling, we feel more and then we get angry when those needs continue to be left unmet. Women have had their feelings criticized and put down for years as being somehow uncool and all sorts of things have been said-that we are “too sensitive” or “over emotional”
    or my personal favorite- “just another hysterical woman”. I have been told all these things by men over the years. The implication is that our feelings are somehow less than or bad and we are children that need to be showed how to function by men who of course know better and know whats good for us because they are not “too sensitive” or over emotional. It triggers me just reading this comment. I will never again let any man tell me I am somehow less than because I have feelings.
    Without feelings we nothing more than a hollow shell-a robot-good to no one, lest of all ourselves.
    Using your boy to champion your girl-I like that. It is too bad that many men do not champion our girl.



  20.  #20Tracy on January 21, 2010 at 8:39 am

    Amen to that Linda…..
    I feel so much love and compassion when i read the posts here…..I have learnt so much and i feel so much growth in myself and i am really greatful for all the support…feels comforting to come here and read all the beautiful experiences….hugs



  21.  #21Turtle Girl on January 21, 2010 at 8:41 am

    As far as Alive goes I can really sympathize with her. Many years ago I got pregnant and the father of my child was never to be seen or heard from again. I had the baby and today I have a beautiful grown up daughter who lives on her own. Being a single mom was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. There were many times I thought I simply could not go on. I would work all day, come home to fix dinner and all the house work and there was just no time for much else. I was tired for years. I thought many times I made a mistake and regretted my choice.

    Today I know that it was meant to be and I love my girl very much. She has no desire to ever meet or see her biological father. I told her the truth about what happened.

    This man (I would not call him a man-he is a child)
    who has chosen to dump Alice and turn tail like a chicken will one day regret his decision, but it will be too late then, and you may never know about it.
    Unless he is a complete sociopath he will be haunted by the fact that somewhere out there he has a child that he basically abandoned. And what kind of women he is married to side with him? A woman who is very afraid for her own life and is not secure in herself to cling on to a man that would do this sort of thing.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you Alice. Take all of Rori’s advice. It is sound.



  22.  #22Aldonza on January 21, 2010 at 8:52 am

    Alice, I read your story with my heart in my throat. Something struck me though…something missing.

    Anger.

    You don’t seem angry that this guy acted like a total assclown! This is about the lowest thing a man can do to a woman short of raping her. Lie, leave her pregnant and alone, and not even give her the courtesy of an explanation. You say you feel furious, but you’re still caught up in how to express that in an email? I’d be figuring out how to keep myself from throwing bricks through his windows!

    OK…so maybe my personal example of how to express anger is not the right one. But I think this one is a little beyond “feeling messages”. You also mention the email wouldn’t change things. Expressing your feelings should *never* be about trying to control someone. If an email would help you get out the anger, process it, and help you move on, then do it. But don’t do it because you secretly hope he’ll change his mind. That’s manipulative, leaning forward, boy energy (or whatever else you want to call it) and it never works.

    OK, on to the advice. Rori has it right: get your legal advice *now*. Laws vary by state and you don’t want to foreclose options by missing something simple, like a filing deadline. Know what you need to do to protect yourself and your child.

    I disagree about the “if you don’t need the money” comment. If you don’t need it, take it anyway. Bank it for the child’s future. Make sure there is a binding court order in place ASAP. You don’t know what the future holds, so do what you can now to prepare.

    Lastly, be prepared for them to get *truly* nasty when they find out you’re fighting for child support. In fact, get statements from people who he’s told that he doesn’t think the child is his. Keep all communications from them in a folder. Start a journal now noting all communications (especially the threats about your job). You want to show a pattern of him being a bully and not being invested in this child in case he makes noise later about wanting custody. (Yes, it can happen.)

    As for the slander…even if she did something like that, it’s *very* hard to prove damages and unless you have deep pockets, it’s not a viable option. But I like that you’re thinking that way…it shows there is a spark of anger working to protect you and your interests.

    Healing? Time. Letting yourself grieve. Self-focus. Not re-opening old wounds. I think the fact that he did this in such an assholish way helps you. It makes things more clear than if he were being wishy-washy and moving back and forth between the two of you.

    *hugs*

    -Aldonza



  23.  #23Rori Raye on January 21, 2010 at 10:48 am

    Aah, Welcome, and thank you so much for your lovely message, Rori



  24.  #24JNB on January 21, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    I have been in a similar situation with an abusive man. I know and feel your suffering, Alice. Please… ABOVE ALL ELSE… protect yourself. Violence against pregnant women is about 60% more likely than violence against non-pregnant women. I am one of those women in the statistic. Please, Alice. Let go of this man. Do seek financial support from him for your child, but do not trust him. Even if he shows up on your doorstep crying, wanting to make ammends. Do not be in his presence without witnesses. PLEASE. Take care of yourself first. You have too much at stake to trust this guy for any reason. If he really wants to be a part of your child’s life, he will find a way to do it when the baby is born. But be especially careful with him until the baby is delivered.

    God bless you, Alice.



  25.  #25Katie on January 21, 2010 at 3:32 pm

    Alice, my heart goes out to you. Draw your circle of friends and family around you, they will be there for you and your baby. Take care, sending you strength, Katie.



  26.  #26Simply Shannon on January 21, 2010 at 6:06 pm

    D I T T O – every word of it.

    Alica: I feel empathy for your pain. I hope you have friends and family rallying around you. This threat to your job seems ridiculous when there were people around who could qualify this relationship. The wife has her blinders on. I wouldn’t feel concerned about her or this man at all. This is now about you and the baby. Right now they are preying on your fears. I’d get my hands on a GREAT lawyer ASAP.



  27.  #27Jessie on January 22, 2010 at 7:49 am

    I am so sorry to hear that about your baby’s father–it is a huge disappointment. However, you could also deny his paternity and then MAKE him prove paternity if he so chooses–imagine how cold he could be to a child if he can treat a woman like this? (in my experience this is a good indicator of what kind of example this man will be to your son or daughter–a big jerk to send sick messages to your young and vulnerable child). Babies need committed daddys that are 100% there for them–for life and not just when their wives are not paying attention to them.

    If I were you–speaking from experience–My abusive EX now abuses his child (son) regularly in clever ways to get back at me for making him pay a Pathetic 130.00 in child support–by telling him mixed up stories about me and encouraging him to be disrespectful and mean to me….SO….be careful that this man EARNS the right to be the daddy because he could do alot more damage to your precious little one by being in their life rather than never knowing HIM.

    Make him work for your baby and for visits. Any guy who could treat you like this will probably love to torture ANYONE he comes close to…sorry girls but I hope this doesn’t sound mean or unfair….just thinking about the babies in this world first…..My sons stepfather absolutely 110% loves my son –more than his own dad and loves me too….you WILL find a father for your baby even if you only see the forest for the trees right now….stay close to your friends and any good family that you have and love love love that baby like 2 parents for now–until you find a good stable loving partner (AND YOU WILL!!!!).



  28.  #28Lisa on January 22, 2010 at 8:19 am

    Off-topic: I like the new soft blue, simple border.



  29.  #29Tina on January 22, 2010 at 10:02 am

    Yes, Lisa I liked the blue too, I just like this much better, I feel more settled 🙂 like home.



  30.  #30lm on January 22, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    i agree! it feels nice and cool



  31.  #31Jori on January 24, 2010 at 6:57 am

    Alice’s situation is full of pain and stress and I’m feeling sick as memories replay of a similar situation I experienced.

    My daughter’s father left me pregnant a few days after having moved to a new town. Since we had no permanent address and had not unloaded my vehicle he disappeared along with all my possessions. All I had left was the Goodwill dress I was wearing and an embryo.

    The aftermath was DIFFICULT. There was no room in the shelter so I my sole option was to move back with my severely dysfunctional family. Preterm labor put me immediately in the hospital where I was bedridden for a month until my premature daughter was born (thank God healthy).

    Early in my pregnancy my mother (and her “posse”) tried to convince me to have an abortion and after my baby’s birth people thought I should try to get child support. I chose to NOT PURSUE him for paternity or support because I have seen so many problems arise in others’ lives. If he becomes delinquent on payments you have to go to court (sometimes over and over) or he may attempt to get visitation or, worse, custody.

    My daughter’s father tried to get back involved, and like the catering fool that I was, I allowed it…HUGE mistake. Drama and violence. I quickly had the “boy energy balls” to end that and he hasn’t been heard from since.

    I wish I could tell you that the future was bright for us, that all went well, but I cannot. I am a woman with lots of issues and scars. I had few resources and became a “victim” over and over to my rescuers and helpers.

    Fast forward 20 years: my daughter is an artist and singer, very bright and a natural comedienne. We have been by each others sides and I am so blessed to have her and regret much. I wish I knew about Rori Raye years ago. Most of my problems revolved around my insecurities, pains, vulnerabilities and unawareness of myself. Only now since discovering Rori am I learning about myself and how I feel…even that I don’t have to feel guilty that I breathe and don’t want to give my “air” away anymore.

    I implore Alice to put herself first and her child. Apply Rori’s tools…making good choices is based on self-love and self-care and Rori teaches that. Old dynamics die hard and can take so much effort, but it is worth it so that you give YOUR child the best of yourself, nobody else.



  32.  #32Rori Raye on January 24, 2010 at 7:49 pm

    Jori, Welcome and thank you so much for your heartbreaking story, your words of wisdom for Alice, and to know you – your story now is of a woman of strength and grace – a beacon of hopefulness. This is such a magnificent statement:
    I don’t have to feel guilty that I breathe and don’t want to give my “air” away anymore.
    Love, Rori



  33.  #33Alice on January 25, 2010 at 8:46 am

    Rori, thank you so much for helping me and for posting my story in your blog. I am grateful for the outpouring of love from all who commented in this post…thank you to all of you – your empathy, compassion, warmth, encouragement and words of wisdom strengthens me. I have difficulty getting out of bed in the morning and often reflects on the importance of waking up everyday in the face of failure, loss and disappointment. I am encouraged by the wonderful stories shared by these wonderful women and hopes that I will find the light someday, somehow.



  34.  #34raini dey on January 25, 2010 at 11:12 am

    i first found this program on accident through facebook. i was intrigued by it’s title, so i decided to check it out. the advice i received from Rori’s e-mails touched my heart, as i realized that nearly everything she related from her personal experiences sounded as if she were reading my life like a book. it seemed too good to be true, and so i wrote it off as such. then, the strangest thing happened. i went to an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet with my live-in boyfriend. when i opened my fortune cookie after our meal, i was astounded by what it said, “if you always do what you always did, you will always get what you always got”. it may sound silly, but i decided that this was the little nudge i needed to commit to changing my relationship for the better. i purchased Rori’s program this morning.



  35.  #35Rori Raye on January 25, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    Raini – how totally cool! I look forward to hearing your story and about how things go for you when you use the Tools…Love, Rori



  36.  #36Rori Raye on January 25, 2010 at 12:02 pm

    Oh, Alice – so wonderful to hear from you! We all wish you luck, love, and a happy story for you and your baby. Love, Rori



  37.  #37jay on February 11, 2010 at 6:14 pm

    Alice. I’m so sorry you have to endure this pain. I was in the same situation 16 years ago. My beautiful baby boy turned 16 a few days ago. His biological father walked away from me went back to his wife and she got pregnant. He never came back to me. He didnt want to have anything to do w/my son. We did the paternity test. I chose not to take any money from him. I toughened up and my boy energy kicked in. And even though I didn’t start out as as a fairytale. A year later. I had been taking care of myself getting stronger for both of us. I met the man of my dreams. He married me and became a father to my son. We had 2 other children and the funny thing he always favored my son above his own 2. He never differentiated between them. My son never knew he wasnt his biological father but thats another issue. I lived happily after with my loving husband who took wonderful care of us and loved us. Sadly he passed away much to early. I know this time is hard in your life. Just remember find your inner strength be better and stronger for your baby. and surround yourself with all your best girlfriends. This is when you’ll need them most. Beleive me you will survive hang in there and don’t give up. You are strong and beautiful. He was the coward for walking away from you. take care xoxo



  38.  #38jay on February 11, 2010 at 6:40 pm

    Alice. I will leave you with something to think about. Everybody has different experiences. I had my baby who is now 16 years old. His father wanted to have nothing to do w/us he was back with his wife and she was having a baby. I knew for a fact my son was his and he would eventually come around and at least be a father to him. I wrong he never did I tried for a year I send him pictures letters but nothing. I gave up. I named him as the father on the birth certificate. This was a huge mistake. I can’t travel out of the country w/o his permission. He has rights to my son even though my son doesnt know anything about this. I was married and my husband wanted to adopt my son. And he refused to let him adopt and he wanted to come into the picture just to spite me. I let it go out of fear he would disrupt my happy home. By naming him as the father on the birth certificate I gave him rights. I learned to travel w/o his permission but its been hard. I have had no contact w/ him in 15 years. He walked away and never looked back. I have long forgotten about him as a man. I remember him only as a pain to deal with now. Just keep in mind the legalities of naming him as the father if he is not going to be in the picture. I just wanted to share w/u. xoxo



  39.  #39Oh on March 5, 2010 at 3:06 pm

    I feel deeply for you all and I wonder what brings this behaviour to bear in a man. A dear friend of mine has waited a long time to find her ‘mr perfect’; she thought she had; she has recently given birth to a beautiful baby boy; she was physically attacked at least 4 times to my knowledge in the past year. She found the ability to reach out to me after one such attack and I called the police after some deliberation. She now glosses over all details, and hasn’t parted from this man. She avoids contacting me. I understand her pain, humiliation, and desire to retain the myth. Can any of you who have been in extreme situations like this help me to help my friend in the right way, knowing as you do, how this would feel? loving thoughts to all x



  40.  #40Rori Raye on March 6, 2010 at 8:01 pm

    Oh – thank you so much for showing up here, and for trying to help your friend. I know many women – seemingly strong, smart, savvy, independent – who were once battered by the man they “loved.” The specialist I know in this area is a great woman I interviewed a few months ago – Kathryn Tull – you can find her at http://www.NextBoldStep.com – her personal story is about overcoming abuse in her marriage… and if anyone has some help here, please let us know…Love, Rori



  41.  #41Jean on April 6, 2010 at 10:56 pm

    At 46 years of age I am experiencing pain from a relationship with a man whom I’d been seeing for 5 years to leave me pregnant with my 2nd child. I feel embarrassed, angry, confused, depressed on many days and others I feel stronger. His messages had frequently felt mixed to me. He always came back.
    Upon learning of this baby, he became evasive on the topic. I was recently criticized negatively for all of the strong points of my character. He relocated without so much as consulting with me when he knew I was carry our child. Prior to that, I was waiting for him to announce plans of what we would do. I wanted to be married because I loved him, had experienced a lot with him (and his children), had much in common with him in terms of our work which allowed us to travel together. He loved my cooking and I was supportive of him in many ways and he was supportive of me in lesser ways, but way that I appreciated. For the criticism that came about my character, I wished that either he or had walked from this before this pregnancy happened. We had been pregnant before and his attitude was very supportive and favorable, but I miscarried. I loved him and admit that we had some issues to work through, but we seemed to have staying power and attraction that was very strong. In fact, once we were estranged for 6 mos, but with some communication as he traveled. I came across Rori’s work and ordered her information to win him back. He came back with the ‘epiphany’ of that he couldn’t deny that he loved me and wanted to move forward and had talked to God about it. I was elated. I felt accepted. I took him back and we had a honeymoon period for only a few months before he turned cold again, but neither of us walked from the relationship. I always managed to forgive or push down whatever happened and move forward with him. I journalized my pains about him, but avoided many confrontations with him as much as possible. I continued to cook, help with his children, and new grandchild and took his moods in stride as just part of who he is. Mention of moving forward had even come up again since then even, but if anything went wrong (an argument, disagreement with his children), he wouldn’t talk about it anymore. I don’t know what to think anymore. I feel a lack of confidence about men that I may never overcome. I appreciate the advice of Rori, but somehow, I just cannot figure it out. At this point, after stressing through a high risk pregnancy and having not heard from him sat all in about three weeks, I feel that eventually he will make contact, but…I am not sure if I should take him back again, if that’s on the table. My teen is angry. One things, as was said by a previous post, this is more clear than anything I had blurred vision about before. It hurts a lot and because of my age and the history of the relationship. My support system is significantly reduced. No one wants to hear me about it anymore. I don’t even feel that God wants to hear it. I can recall on a couple of occasions praying to God to take this toxic relationship away. Maybe this is what it took to finally open my eyes. I don’t feel ready for this, but I am 32 wks in so far. I don’t feel that I’ve done a great job of taking care of myself and have no idea what shape the baby is in. His emotional support would have made everything better, but whenever he tries to be around me to do things for the baby only, I feel pain that it’s just for the baby and has nothing personal to do with any feelings he has for me and I end up feeling worse, like another msg. I expressed this last time I saw him and have not heard from him again. I do not feel comforted by the suggestion that things will feel better when the baby comes. I’ve been through this already with the 1st child and I know what feels like to raise a child alone. This also feels hopeless because I don’t feel that it would be better if the ‘partner’ comes back or if we marry. I have too much resentment over his rejection of me at this delicate time. I just function day by day. I was not opposed to having the baby once we found out, although I should also add that there were significant health related reasons for not having birth control on my part, although for him it would have been cheaper and with less risks. I also didn’t do this to trap him. It was more less me feeling responsible for the situation and accepting the cnosequences. Five years is a lot of detail to comprise into a few paragraphs, but, like Alice, I see our similarities except possibly the age difference. I guess most women by this time are smarter. In closing, I was willing to settle with this person and the rejection really hurts. I wish I were better at dealing with men in intimate relationships but I do feel like a hardened failure at this point. Any advice would be welcomed… Good luck to you Alice. Unless you are as old as am, I am sure that you will find another man who is good to you and your child. As for me? Does anyone of quality want a woman this old with two kids, especially one this young? Rori, God, Someone PLEASE HELP!



  42.  #42Rori Raye on April 7, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    Jean. This is no longer about you – it’s about your children. Forget this man, make sure you legally get some financial support from him, and be civil. That’s all. You have to put your full energy into making a living and supporting your family. Forget about men for now. When YOU are at least fairly independent – men will show up. Love, Rori



  43.  #43Jean on May 1, 2010 at 11:06 pm

    Well, that feels so dismissive. I have invested into Rori’s relationship advice since 2007. It’s been 5 years. Isn’t there anything that I could do that might inspire him to be different? Can anything improve? Must a woman always accept that her child be born into into an estranged situation with the parents? Must she start all over again with a new man to trust around her children? This feels hopeless. Is it?

    This happens so often to women and children and rather than blaming about birth control and all of that, I feel that it should be addressed on a societal campaign level because it’s obvious that whatever is going on now is not working for waay too many people. The consciousness of too many men seems to easily dismiss a woman who is carrying his child in a relationship and the only advice we get is to simply move on.



  44.  #44Jody on July 16, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    Hi Alice,
    I know what you have gone through. I am currently going through something very similar. I know how devastating it is to have your life shattered. I was with this man for 10mos, stood faithful, loyal and strong while he served in Iraq. He comes home, after a few months and numerous visits it all goes to hell. After having me travel 2000 miles by car for 2 days of “us” time I get home and in less than 24 hrs I get I have feelings for my ex email. I was moving there, turned in my notice, had a new job there, had rented a house, and my children were ready to move prior to the email. Then after 4 weeks of no contact on either sides, I find out I’m pregnant, so I did the right thing and told him. Now I trapped him, and he has trashed me all over the place to other women. In fact I didn’t even have the chance to tell my father, the word traveled so fast.
    I feel so ashamed, and embarrassed. It shattered my life. As of yesterday I decided I will not chase this man, he is a coward. Even though I still love him, I have no respect for him. I want more for me, and for my children. The pain can feel so unbearable at times, I’m struggling just to get out of bed. I know this pain is temporary, and I will be OK eventually. Just getting through it is the hard part. Here is the best part.. I don’t need his money, I don’t need to prove the baby is his. I don’t even have to tell him when it’s born. I gave him the chance to be a man and stand up, and instead he blamed me, resented me, and I’m not going to tolerate it! I don’t know if he will ever try to contact me again, and the thought of it hurts right now, but I do know when I get to the other side of this, I know that I stood by my boundaries, and stood up for this baby! He will not treat me or our child with resentment! Children are not a mistake! just sometimes the parents are!!! Conceived on accident born on purpose!



  45.  #45Mia on December 29, 2010 at 9:50 am

    I came across this a hour ago and I am impressed how the power of wise words from women of great wisdom put together can help assist to move a dark cloud which covers a rainbow. Alice in life dark clouds surround us, we just have to work through them to find the colours of the rainbow, after difficulties does come ease be pateient with yourself. At a level i know where you are comming from,from my own experience. I strongly advise you to look at the postive side of the coin you have a person in you who will give the love and joy and vise versa that this man choice not to give either of you.In my case my son passed away ,his father played a very clever game & his excuse was he wasn’t ready for a relationship and the rest of the invalid excuses he went on to give. Surprisingly enough all his excuse came after he managed to get me to sleep with him after false statements of his intentions and feelings. In my case this man who was 10 years older had played the field that I was seen as this younger beautiful woman to bed and disregard with explainations you would give to a 5 year old. He played it cleverly knowing that the most closest person to me my father who was a great father just passed away. I take the responsibilty of my own action and realise i was very vulnerable and not in the right frame of mind to be in a new relationship. But grieving makes alot of us make clouded judgement about people, I had always been a girl who has been extremely cautious with men’s intention but in his case I ran into something that I wouldn’t have if it wasn’t for the state of mind i was in. I didn’t know i was pregnant till after he wanted nothing to do with me. I made the choice not to inform him of the pregnancy for the forst 4 months the reason being because by then i knew i was nothing meaningful in his eyes cause a man who cares shows respect. I told him for the sake of my child as I knew as my son grew up he would ask questions. I turned up where he leaved only to find out he moved ,changed his number and closed his email account after i expressed my views after we broke up. He is a coward any man who does not take responsiblity for his part in making a child is a coward. I turned to close male friends and a male to make to make sense of his behaviour & they were lost for words,so for the women who may think that all men are creeps there not all like that. There is feelings of mixed emotions about him & it’s not the rejection towards me that hurts the most it’s the fact that i gave him a option to contact me by a deadline if he wanted to be involved in his child’s life and heard nothing from him, 4 months after i changed my number just before i was to give birth because i didnt want the stress of him randomly comming back. If i hadn’t given him a deadline i would still be wondering, the only thing i received was a message on my mobile from his friend whom owned the house he used to live in and the excuse given was a clear statement read of a piece of paper that he told him to say that’s how men are cowards that they cant say they dont want to know their child. It’s comming up to a year since i lost my son and to this day i made a choice not to inform him of Adam’s death. A man who doesn’t acknowledge a innocent baby has no right to be respected and informed of a angels death. Alice and anyone in a similar situation thank God that your world has a angel entering it (your baby)

    Sorry for any spelling/grammer errors just typed this quickly before i have to rush off
    Regards
    Mia



  46.  #46Amanda on April 24, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    Hi everyone…
    My story very similar to everyones here yet very sad also. Im sat here at my computer feeling like the last two years have left me feeling so down and low (and so angry with the guy i have just waisted those 2 years on) that i hope in just writing this will be therapy in itself….i dont know?? anyway here goes… my story……
    I left my husband of 17 years (we have 4 children together). He was a good man but we had met very young. I was just barely 16 at the time.
    Over the years (we had many many good ones…!) i just fell out of love……it happened quite a few years before i had the courage to actually leave him but eventually i just told him i loved him but wasnt in love with him. I was 37 at the time and felt so desperate and sad to have missed out on the life of meeting different people and dating and such….. it was something i just never got to do.
    I set out on a new life and being determined of being this strong independant single mother….which i was for a while. Dating, no commitment to any man, finding myself and for the first time in my life finding out who i was as a person and not part of a ‘couple’.
    Then came along pete, he was new, exciting, a bit of a wild ‘bad boy’ compared with what i had been used to anyway! He literally swept me off my feet!!
    I slept with him a day after meeting him…a huge mistake on my part……….
    At first he was just a wild fling to me as at the time i was CDing anyway. I did notice however he mentioned his ex quiet a bit during those first few weeks of dating…(they had a 4 month old son together at the time).
    I know i should of seen that as a BIG red flag, but at the time i didnt, he assured me that relationship was well and truely over……i asked him several times about this and he assured me each time that i had nothing to worry about when it came to his ex GF. (at the time he had regular access to his son).
    We continued to date and i admit was falling for him a little as the weeks went by. Then he began to change and he started accusing me of looking at other men when we were out together. This was such an awfull accusation as i actually began to question myself and ask myself if i was doing something that made him think i was looking at other men when we were out as a couple…..i knew i wasnt, but i just coudnt understand why he would accuse me of doing that??
    Then came the comments of wanting me to get a boob job because his ex had one and he liked them.
    I know….i know ….i should have dumped him there and then but i had actually really fallen for this guy by this point and even though he said these things…. I COULDNT BRING MYSELF TO DUMP HIM….!!!!
    Anyway, the months past and he seemed to mellow a bit and we got on great for a while, we went out, had good times, the sex was fantastic and we just really seemed to click in every way. He would ring me constantly, we would go out every week nearly.
    He had regular access to see his son, (i knew nothing was going on with his ex (though at times i was quite unsure and insecure as to what the situation acually WAS with her, however i knew friction was between them both ….) ??
    We had been together 9 months when they had a fall out about a pram. He had had to buy a new one for the days he had access to his son due to her not leaving his sons regular pram on the days he had his him….a big row, a very angry man, and a lot of heartache and earache for me later resulted in me taking any presents or easter eggs up to his ex GF house as she would not allow him access unless it was through the courts.
    On the first visit she was nice and seemed quite a genuine person, then when i went to deliver a second time my whole world fell apart……she told me that for the first 5 months into our relationship Pete had been texting and ringing her to get back together and try again. She told me that he had denied even seeing anyone else at the time and acted as though i never even existed. Looking back, this was the time that i was falling in love with this guy………and all along he was doing this to me…
    I went home later that day and confronted him. I cried in front of him i was so heartbroke. He said over and over again that he had to deny i existed because if she ever found out she wouldnt of let him see his son. I threw him out. He seemed genuinely upset and the next day i recieved a simple text massage saying ‘i am so sorry’.
    Over the next week or so i recieved messages and calls pleading with me, telling me how much he loved me and how sorry he was.
    I did take him back, and things seemed great for a long while. (however, always ALWAYS at the back of my mind was his ex…. his son…. would he go back? ….did he love me?…….was he using me?….)
    I was/am so tired and totally drained and so obsessed with this other woman and him i just couldnt focus on anything else….
    Its been that way ever since…..
    Then 2 years into our relationship (Jan this year) i fell pregnant. I just cannot describe how i felt….so so scared, alone, panicked…….he made it clear he didnt want the child. I cried for days. Agonised what i would do. I have 4 children from my marriage and felt no support from this guy whatso ever….i had a termination, in hospital, in tears. While he ‘had a cold’ at home.
    He has left me so hollow inside, i cry all the time, i feel so used, like a piece of tissue he just keeps picking up then discards. We are/were still together until tonight. He still tells me he loves me everyday, he kisses me etc….
    But tonight it all came flooding out about the baby, how i feel, about him, about his ex…. I have been venting this anger up for a so long!! and i just feel so worn out. I know he will tx or ring or maybe even call tomorrow, saying how much he loves me etc…im still in love with him but i just dont want to feel like this anymore. I cant carry on feeling second in my relationship, its made me feel worthless.. xxx



  47.  #47Jean on April 26, 2011 at 10:42 am

    Update: My baby is now eleven months old and will be walking any day now. I am now 47.

    Some progress has been made in the 19 months since announcing my pregnancy to my partner. My pregnancy was complicated, but I delivered a big, healthy baby girl. After many weeks of painful emotions, post partum depression and feeling abandoned, alienated, ignored and retaliation in the form of angry verbal exchanges, I finally stopped contacting him altogether. It was sincere on my part. I got used to life without him and focused on my children and my work. I gave up on the idea that he would have some kind of epiphany and come back and make everything okay and concluded that even if he did, that there was too much water under the bridge. I even told concluded that there was nothing wrong with me, but that this person was always a sick bastard who got off an breaking women’s hearts and that I was just not the exception to the rule. I started feeling better.

    Of course, about three weeks ago he came back. It started with a text message, then an email with a claim that he realized that he should have been there for me when I was pregnant. Duh???!!!! This is not his 1st child! He said that his heart still aches for me and that he is “sorry”.

    I have tempered down my anger to the point where I have met with him at neutral locations with the baby. The visits have been pleasant, usually over lunch or coffee, but limited. The baby cannot crawl anywhere and gets fussy because of needing to be held or int he stroller the whole time. The baby doesn’t know him and expressed a kind of ‘stranger anxiety’ when she see’s with him, but he is delighted over her. I have enjoyed seeing him interact with her, yet he almost doesn’t even seem to acknowledge the baby’s anxiety towards him. He has even spoken about living together. I am now moving to a larger place without him. He talked of us working and traveling together as a family. Now, he wants us to plan to travel to visit his mother in another country. As expected, I feel major reservations about trusting him. I am very cordial but, I have resentment about the painful memories. My teen hates him for what he put all of us through. I have insisted on us having a professional third party intervention to try to heal, but his work involves a great deal of travel and he will not be consistently available. I feel so much guilt for what this put everyone through. To date, and even though he has addressed some of the things that were said to me, he admitted he didn’t want to re-visit what a monster he has been to me, but wanted to see if we could somehow get past it. I have never received an explanation to why I had to be put through the heartache, other than the initial verbal attacks on my character. I still have feelings for him, but I feel disappointed that he seems to have expressed no real idea as to what this sent me through physically, emotionally and spiritually. I do not feel that he even has the consciousness to understand that my honor as a woman feels brutally disrespected in front of my teen, family and our mutual friends and colleagues. I had always wanted what he speaks of now, but after all of this drama and pain, I don’t want to trust that he wouldn’t hurt me again. I still don’t feel he will ever really get what he is “sorry” for and at times he had seemed to behave like he had reason to be angrier than me! Every day that has gone by, I feel that something inside of me has died. I’m not sure what it is, but it feels as if I will not live long…not long enough to see my child into adulthood, not because of my age, but because of the impact of this on my soul. I do relish in the joy of my children and try to stay focused on that and my work. My support system is small, but has allowed me to travel and to work. Day by day we have had light cordial communication. I do feel better than I did in previous months and the crying jags are a lot less than before and I do feel relieved that he reached out finally, as it feels as if we (me and my children) weren’t totally valueless, but I really need to know why he sent us through this through two pregnancies. I feel a lack of confidence as to how to proceed and how to communicate with him. For now, we will remain in this holding pattern. It feels safer.



  48.  #48cally on August 5, 2011 at 8:51 pm

    My boyfriend tried to get me pregnant and said that he wanted nothing more than to be a family and even told my parents he wanted to marry me. Now I am 4 months pregnant and he has been gone for a month. He not only up and left but has not cared to check on me or how the doctor appointments are going. He hasnt helped financially or physically with the nursery. I live states away from my family and he knows I am doing all this on my own. He has posted all over facebook his dating experiences and told me he was finally having fun. After all this I couldnt possibly take him back but I am so hurt and confused at how any person could act this way over a baby he wanted. I know we will be fine and I can do this on my own but I am not even enjoying my pregnancy because I cry everytime I see a kid with his dad and think of how my baby has a dad that didnt want it enough to stay out of the bars. I just feel like closing off and not ever talking to man again.