Rage And Love – All From The Same Place: You

26

The Question:

” Rori, I’ve been so filled with righteous rage… if there is love inside me it’s all covered up by sadness…so, yes, I’m lurching in survival mode. My rage is either “completely justified” or overdue to “get over it.” Well, it’s both. I feel so confused I’m practically paralyzed.

What I’m trying to transmute is real, psychological pain and trauma from horrific abuse into – LOVE?

Someone, please show me the way because right now I’m with Tori Amos “Me and a Gun.”

In other words I FEEL RAGE. Under that rage I feel extreme helplessness. The helplessness of a child.

The bad guy gets away with it and I live with severe PTSD all of my life.

I don’t understand. I’m Enraged”

My Answer:

“Enraged”,  here’s how I see it.

I went through some rough times myself, though I’d never say they were anything like what you went through, even not knowing your personal story, mine is: rape by a stranger, seduced and abandoned by my therapist, dropped by so many men, withdrawn from…I’d put myself in a box so tight, I didn’t even know who I was.

There was not an authentic word out of my mouth.

Love, for me, was just chemistry I couldn’t get out of my head, and I followed that into “friends with benefits” and yearning – until the light bulb went on in my head.

Literally, the light went on. I woke up.

In one moment of one day, something happened.

Something switched “on,” and I suddenly “got clear”.

I started to see things for myself.

My rage,which was SO far underneath every smile I put on my face all the time, had begun to creep out of that smile, and I wrote a book about everything.

I called it “The End Of Pollyanna.” Then I called it “The-rapist.” Then I called it “Finding Sarah,” and published it (the e-version of the book is here to download for free if you want – just know it’s a bit intense, even violent!).

I ended the book in the weird place I was in at the time – when I was just coming up for air, and still with ridiculous men who didn’t love me. Couldn’t love me. Weren’t interested in loving me.

Then, one day, I met my husband in a coffee shop/take-out restaurant, and he wasn’t my type.

I let him court me, and then just pushed him aside for other men who – yeah, you guessed it – didn’t love me.

Somehow, the lightbulb went on, and I reconnected with that man – who is now my husband of many, many years.

Yes, I called him.

In truth, the call was actually (so unusually for me then) all happening in my Feminine Energy  (even considering The Modern Siren principles as they are now).

I was able to do that, then, because I didn’t really care.

I was mostly just pissed at the other man I’d been dating and investing so much emotion in – and the light bulb was just beginning to get warm (though I couldn’t really see it yet…)

He was happy to hear from me, and – he moved in a couple of months later and proposed around my birthday the following year!

I thoroughly believed he was not “my type” – but then, I fell in love with him!

And somehow, over the time we’ve been together, I learned how to find myself and BE myself.

More and more, the words coming out of my mouth were coming from me, and not from someone else inside my head.

All this is a preface to say that the rage you feel is righteous, and if you can imagine it as a catalyst, rather than as a “stuck place” – that’s all you need to go forward into love.

Love to you…

Rori

Posted in