Recover From An Imaginary Relationship

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This comment from Sandra is so universal – so much what happens to us women over and over again, I wanted us to work with it:

“Rori, I have your Commitment Blueprint, and I’m working on the steps. In the midst of changing myself and picturing my man leading me across the bridge to the relationship I desire; he tells me he doesn’t want to lose my friendship. Ever. Then he reveals he is seeing someone else. Becoming exclusive with them.

I had been living in the imaginary relationship. Taking the crumbs of good and ignoring the bad. I changed. Stopped contacting him. Stopped being sweet to him. Started seeing other guys. Told him I had friends and I didn’t need him, a guy friend. Completely cut off contact. I’m even trying to see him as a “Muse” who is guiding me and helping me.

However, part of me wants to fall into old patterns. I want to tell him how I feel, in the hopes that it will enlighten him and he will realize he cares for me, too. I want to accept the “just friends” relationship because I believe the relationship he is in will fail and I want to be near by when it does. It physically hurt, how much I missed him. I was finding my purpose and dating and being busy but he was in my mind.

So, I emailed him. I said “I miss you.”

He said, ” as you should,” and now I’ve asked him if we could talk.

So, Rori, what have I done? What do I do? I want to be honest and tell him how I feel, and still practice all the steps to finding the relationship I want. But, I also want to have him in my life. I miss him. The relationship was not what I wanted but it was something.

From the moment I met him I feel like he is the one for me. We clicked like I’ve never clicked with a man before. Do I tell him that I wanted more, and if he can’t give it I accept him and move on? Or do I keep it to myself and keep working on me, and wait to see if he comes back around?

Your Commitment Blueprint is wonderful and I will continue to follow the advice. I’ve downloaded Christian Carter’s information in the past, as well. Thank you so much for your guidance, thus far.
I feel confident. Sandra”

Here’s my immediate response:

Sandra, Welcome, and as all the wonderful women on this site will tell you – go back to what you were doing.  No contact – Do Circular Dating – focus on your POP and yourself and new men and new experiences.  Drop him like a cold potato.

It doesn’t MATTER what YOU feel – it only matters what HE feels in terms of what’s possible between you.  HE has to miss YOU.  That means you have to be outta there.  If he changes his mind, he’ll find you – but don’t even hold your breath.

The “click” you felt was most likely the “click” of a TOXIC relationship pattern you feel comfortable in.

For most of us – “safe” and “click” mean that we’re IN our Comfort Zones – and for most of us – our Comfort Zones are truly TOXIC. We do NOT want to STAY inside there.

We do NOT want to live our lives inside our Comfort Zones. And yet – as you say, as you feel, and I hear your pain and frustration – we DO want to live there.

The pull to live within our Comfort Zones forever is so strong that the moment we venture outside we tend to on-purpose clobber ourselves until we run back in for protection.

Inside our Comfort Zones – all decorated with the feelings we have of “he’s the one for me” – we can stay safe within our comfortable, familiar misery.

The ONLY thing that makes ANY difference – that means ANYTHING – is HOW MUCH ENERGY HE WANTS TO GIVE TO YOU.

If he labels it “friends” – then that’s what it is. If he labels it “I like you,” or “You’re sexy, I want to spend the night with you” – then that’s all it is.

It’s UNMISTAKABLE when a man’s energy is coming towards you. He calls, he listens, he tries hard to get near you.

And the ONLY way he can DO that is if YOU’RE FAR ENOUGH AWAY FROM HIM for him to make that effort.

This is the brutal situation the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” – (and the movie too, hopefully, which comes out soon) – is all about.

You CANNOT make a man be more “into you” by talking to him about it, by wanting him, by missing him, by “being honest with him” about the way you FEEL for him – not in this way.

You cannot take Step Three of the Commitment Blueprint 7 Steps – which is being “an Invitation” – by CALLING HIM, or REACHING OUT TO HIM – or ANY Leaning Forward energy. This is “Rori Raye Language” – so I have to basically reframe some familiar words and concepts so you can experience them differently – in a Leaned Back way.

By making a REQUEST for his company (“Can we talk,” “I miss you”) BEFORE he contacts YOU – You will simply be literally “mailing” him an invitation to friendship or friendship and sex – but until HE makes a move toward YOU – you are NOT an Invitation.

An Invitation is an OPEN, “inviting” thing. It draws a man in by its mystery and sense of promise. It’s a “lure.” An Invitation, in Rori Raye language, is not a “Request” for his company. It’s an Invitation to more amazing, fantastic, thrilling stuff, the stuff that you ARE – should he show up.

I know I make that clear in the Blueprint – but I want to use the imagery here to help you get that into your body.

So, Sandra, and for all of us (me, too – I have to remind myself at all times) there is no such thing as “relationship” and “marriage” without some romance and passion. Otherwise it’s just “friends.” And this is the case even if there are some sexual problems involved – health issues, all kinds of problems.

Even THEN, you can FEEL the sense of romance and passion and the ENERGY coming from a man.

So – look for this energy coming at you. Do NOT look for or believe in a “click.”

I loved this little picture of the “fairy” – it demonstrates for me the BEAUTY of fantasy – and of an Imaginary Relationship. If you KNOW it’s “Imaginary” – let’s say a fling with a major-watt movie star – then you can ENJOY it.  That’s what Circular Dating is all about – enjoying men and being with men, and enjoying YOURSELF when you’re in the PRESENCE of a man.

But if we live like this little fairy – trying to turn everything lovely and imaginary into something real and concrete – we will always feel disappointed, hurt and angry – and we will always try to repair the vision when it collapses.

Sandra – please don’t even try.  Let him do the heavy lifting.  If you continue to do what you were doing – REALLY get out there and focus on how you can ramp up your LIFE – sooner or later he will cross your path, notice the difference in you – and then we’ll see what happens.

But by trying to reach out to him now – you are showing YOURSELF that nothing’s changed inside you.  That you made a feeble attempt at getting a life, but, really – it was ALL ABOUT HIM.

And I do not WANT you to be ALL ABOUT HIM.  I want you to be all about YOU.

In my Modern Siren, and soon my new Targeting Mr. Right programs, you’ll see how this idea of being the CENTER of your life, and the CENTER of a wheel, a “Target” with men all around you, trying to get to you – is the vision you want to keep in your head, your heart, your energy field, your body.

If you’re in the Center, and you’re so fully occupied with all the Energy, from all the men everywhere who are stationed AROUND YOU – trying to get to you (and yes, they ARE) – there’s NO WAY you can be moving from your Center to reach out and try to get to ANY MAN.

Let me know how this lands for you, and I’ll keep talking about this (I can feel my own energy welling up around this issue…)

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Linda on January 27, 2009 at 4:21 pm

    Rori.. thank your for this post!!! . There are some days when I feel really strong.. goddess like and twhen I am like that I AM the center!… other days, I think and want to behave just like Sandra did. I have done it before and gotten no response. In the end I felt stupid and hated myself for trying again because my feelings of lonleiness took control. I hate reacting to them. I need to respond to them and tell them NO!

    Your words remind me how much I need to continue to be strong. Change this place inside me. They also tell me again (but it was like I read and realized it for the first time) that in order for me to have the relationship I really need and want.. I have to stay the course. That this time it will STICK and become a lasting trait of my character.

    You help me today, just when I felt like wavoring and then I would have taken so many steps back… and betrayed myself again. Thank you Thank you Thankyou.


  2.  #2Cookie on January 27, 2009 at 8:26 pm

    I, too, thank you for this post Rori, I have been Leaning Back in my relationship as of late, but with some mistakes. During these times when I falter, I want to kick my own butt for making it easy for my guy. I think my nasty voice is not so nasty, she’s actually very rational and fair sounding. It’s my equalizing voice that wants to fix everything and own up to my mistakes in the relationship, like other times when I have instinctually leaned back and then when he came back he would do the work for a little while and then go back to being cold and distant. I didn’t understand that before that when he went back to his normal behavior was exactly the moment when I would go back to my normal which was cooking and doing, doing, doing.

    So now that I know all this stuff, I want another chance to practice. The last time he called me we got into an argument and I recognized what I was doing but a little too late, by then we were in a stand off. So my little equalizing voice wants to call him and tell him that I don’t want to fight, and that I love him, and that I miss him and want to spend more time together. But then I remember how angry it made me to have to call him for the money. And I really remember that I have committed myself to having a grown up, healthy relationship with myself first and then with every man i come in contact in, including not limited to him. So just today when I was almost convinced myself nine hundred times to reach out, and then after tonight coming home and thinking and wishing he called, I had to remind myself ten hundred times that I don’t want to row the boat, I don’t want to be easy, I don’t want to take scraps, and this post came in handy. As it reminds me to stay on my path and let him do the damn work if its going to do it (I mean it might be too late to turn this around, but I would like to think that as powerful as I am I can turn anything around), in the meantime, I’m hitting the gym and trying to eat better so I can feel good from the outside in. Thanks again.

  3.  #3Reshi on January 27, 2009 at 8:28 pm

    Anyone else absolutely LOVE the “Pearl” tool that Rori sent out in email today? I feel it ties in amazingly well with this post, too. I am thinking of myself as a precious pearl, enjoying the heck out of a hundred imaginary relationships, yet not reaching towards any man, only responding to the energy that comes into my space.

    I’m revising my online dating profile tonight. I’m going to Invite the SPECIFIC man I want…and I’m going to stop sending winks to every Tom, Dick, and Harry who looks like he might be interesting. I’m raising my Degree of Difficulty in the stratosphere and then I’m just going to go about living the Beautiful Life that I have–beautiful in its unique struggles as well as its blessings.

    I feel so moved right now that I’m compelled to post this from work. I feel such a strong, powerful faith that my Makani is THERE, existing in the real world, and it’s only a matter of time before he falls out of the sky and into my life. I feel quite clear on the fact that I do not need a man, that I would rather die single than settle. I feel powerful.

  4.  #4Tracy on January 27, 2009 at 8:33 pm

    thanks rori for this post.i feel i should read it every morning just to remind me that i am a goddess and i deserve much better than an imaginary relationship!
    Linda i so agree with u with the aspect of being so confident on one day and completely weak and frustrated the next day..i guess it takes practise and discipline and for me i’m only getting started but it feels great to be in this new path…thanks rori!

  5.  #5Linda on January 27, 2009 at 9:21 pm

    Reshi… I love what you said. I have tweeked my profile on line too. No more winks for me they dont respond anyway. Who needs that rejection. I dont! Sometimes I feel that I have done what I have read and known for years “throwing my pearls before swine” ummm that would be me? and I made a decision to shake the dust of last year off my feet and walk on.

    Tracy: Practice makes perfect and grace enables the practicing. We are on the same path. Sometimes I wish I could hold a sisters hand for real and be there helping the other when they are loosing focus and they for me.. thanks for your help and the path is great I agree.


  6.  #6sifsgoldwig on January 27, 2009 at 9:25 pm

    Wow! This post really came in handy for me. I feel like I need to transcribe it (preferrably in lipstick on my bathroom mirror) so that I can read it everyday. Why is it so hard not to think about a guy and wonder if he misses you or what he’s doing without you, especially when a mere six months ago I didn’t think about him at all because I didn’t know he existed? Even though I know those thoughts are not what I need to be doing for myself now, it still seems a fiendishly hard pattern to break. I’ve cut off all contact with him, but it almost feels useless since he hasn’t lifted a finger to get in touch with me. And just when I get tempted to send him an email, Rori writes this post. Pretty brilliant, right? Now I feel powerful and strong again. Why should I want to contact him? He should want to talk to me and if he doesn’t, he’s obviously mentally deficient. Haha, now I feel like laughing at him for being foolish enough to let me go. Wierd, I almost feel sorry for him that he didn’t (doesn’t?) realize how awesome I am and now he’s lost me. Whoa, in my first post, I said that I lost him and now I wrote that he lost me! That feels enlightening. That feels improving. I’m making progress!

  7.  #7Maria on January 27, 2009 at 11:34 pm

    very good post, brava! everything has said already before here in comments, but it has very clear tips innit, wow.

  8.  #8Erika on January 28, 2009 at 1:09 am

    It’s amazing with circular dating how you start to notice the contrasts. I have two guys in my life right now who are really steady. They have other women in their lives, but it doesn’t matter. They communicate, I communicate, it stays balanced. There are no games.

    Contrast that with a guy I used to be “into” who recently reentered my life. Before what he offered seemed interesting. Now it doesn’t seem interesting at all. He doesn’t seem to have much to offer on any level. It seems fear-based and meager.

    I told him to kiss my you-know-what.

    Hugs to everyone.

    – Erika from

  9.  #9Daria on January 28, 2009 at 1:37 am

    I feel tingly and nervous and smily. Guy from past just called me to let me know he took care of the issue I had been worried about. I want to be warm and open I feel nervous talking to him though… actually maybe I only feel nervous RECEIVING his attention. Oh yeah. I am a Goddess… I will lean back… this is not a make or break die or don’t die situation… I am still a Goddess… sigh of relief…

  10.  #10Paula on January 28, 2009 at 4:16 am

    What a great post – thanks Rori. It saved me from emailing my ex to say “Let’s be friends”. Of course, I don’t want to be friends – I still love him.

    I feel despairing because I think If I don’t Lean Towards a man, I will never have another relationship. I really feel that! Of course, I pursued the man in my last 3 relationships and they were all disasters where I felt used for sex and companionship while the men waited to meet Ms Right.

    Are European men different to American men? I think they will never make a move towards me.

    I’m not unattractive but I feel old and permanently alone…. Certainly no Goddess like

  11.  #11heartbeat on January 28, 2009 at 5:02 pm

    Hey yeah I loved the Pearl Tool too!! It worked right away, I felt special and relaxed.

    That feels like an interesting question, Paula – I don’t want to generalise but I feel British men come from a tradition where women rule the roost and they are happy to go along with whatever she says. NEVERTHELESS I’ve found Melting really works, Truth in Feeling messages and Saying Less …all feel good.

    I just don’t sweat it over ‘rules’ – it’s how I feel INSIDE that counts. If I feel needy it doesn’t feel good to call, if I feel happy and absorbed in my day then I have no problem with calling him if I want to. It can feel quite sexy 🙂

  12.  #12heartbeat on January 28, 2009 at 5:07 pm

    Oops forgot to tick my RSS box

    and forgot to say, Paula this is the place to get your Goddess groove on! It feels wierd to lean back at first, like there’s a void, but add a 180 turn towards your life;s interest and enjoying yourself … makes it feel good and nurturing.

  13.  #13Bethany on January 28, 2009 at 7:51 pm

    I my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend in the bathroom at the library tonight. I was washing my hands and I looked up and there she was, I don’t know if she recognized me but she glanced at me…she was really really pretty and I felt my jealous feeling start, it feels like fire incinerating in a circle inside my stomach. It feels like burning, like a hollow burning, and I don’t like the association with the song, but it really is a ring of fire. I feel so mad and so jealous that this beautiful woman once had sex with him and they said they loved each other…he won’t have sex with me or tell me he loves me…I know it’s a different time and he wouldn’t be with me if he wanted to be with her, and she’s engaged now, and how the hell did she do that? Said she couldn’t date a musician, went on to greener pastures…it doesn’t matter what happened, it feels bad, I feel this gnawing in my gut inside the ring o fire, and oh my god it burns, I feel soooo mad I’m shaking and my anger is bouncing off the walls. I feel so envious that everyone here is making such great improvements and I still feel stuck. I feel so mad. I love my anger. I love my ring of fire. It burns up all my wishy washiness and it burns through the numbness, why the hell won’t he come to me? Why? I can’t know, it’s not for me to figure out…I feel so numb…I feel oh my god he just texted me…”medieval literature slays me…” ha! That’s funny, that feels crazy, I’m just laughing now, just texted back “that feels hilarious…I want that on a t shirt at a renaissance festival.” I feel like I am my whole body right now.

  14.  #14Bethany on January 28, 2009 at 7:58 pm

    Reshi, I can feel the confidence you’re exuding, it’s great…and you’re so right, too…and I loved Rori’s Pearl e-mail too! It made me feel like shopping online for something pearlish to wear. I like that pearl rhymes with girl too…

  15.  #15Tracy on January 28, 2009 at 8:29 pm

    i love you riff……..i feel that sometimes…like everyone is making so much progress and i am still stuck behind.i feel angry and hopeless.i feel i just want to stop trying to be this goddess i feel worn out.i feel like i will not make make that i will be alone i feel like letting feels like my heart is heavy and i feel like crying…it feels like hopelessness…….i love my hopelessness my wanting to gve up and letting everything go….i love my tiredness and the fear i have for the future…i feel scared that i will not succeed in life and love..that i will not find a good man and it feels bad..i feel sad that maybe i will not have kids and a nice home and it feels scary…i love my fears and i embrace them and right now i just want to sink in all this scared and helpless feeling…

  16.  #16Tracy on January 28, 2009 at 8:34 pm

    i feel that i am tired of running away from myself.always covering up and trying to pretend that everything is okay…i want to be happy i want to love my feelings i want to feel good and happy…i want to have a good man and have a happy home…i want to be happy with me and have a succeful career…i want to lead a successful life and to be happy having lived as me whatever the outcome may be…that feels great letting all this out..
    thank you all ladies for the posts that help me discover myself through your beautiful really helps…hugs to all…

  17.  #17Bethany on January 28, 2009 at 8:39 pm

    But now, I feel so nervous, like I always feel…did I do the right thing? Did I text the right thing? Maybe I shouldn’t have responded? Oh God, I feel myself freaking out and spinning in my head, and I feel so uncomfortable because I feel like my I feel statements always sound so awkward to people, I’ve been doing this for months, what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get it right? Why can’t I…stop beating myself up? I feel like Rori would say I choose to be in this cage,..and so, I choose it. I see that I choose to let these spiny threads of thought wind themselves around me and bind me like mummy wrapping made out of barbed wire. I feel scared. I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel annoyed that I am angry again and I don’t want to have to work through it. I feel pissed that it seems so easy for everyone else. I feel sooooooo angry, I want my roommate to stop fucking patronizing me. I feel bad that I use the word fuck on here, I hope it doesn’t offend people or make me less of a “lady,” god, I feel so bad and embarrassed for being a quiet, shy, reserved Scandinavian Midwestern blond. I feel like everyone looks at me and says, “yep, she’s a good Lutheran girl,” and then think they know everything about me. I hate that. I feel so offended by that. I feel so mad right now. I feel so angry and it feels like burning again, I feel so mad that I’ve been stuffing this again and getting numb, two steps forward one step back, I feel like I can orchestrate now. I feel like I can reach down and let that ring of fire burn me up, fire is clean, it cleanses and clears out the dead underbrush. I feel like I am a beautiful evergreen forest, and my fires have to happen naturally to cleanse me of everything. My anger has to burn. I love my anger and my brush fires. I feel powerful and alive, but tight, and my throat feels constricted and my guts are quivering, and I feel like fire is a very masculine image and I don’t know how I feel about that. I feel competitive with my roommate and my boyfriend to write my own novel. I want to be a better writer than they are, to feel satisfaction that I’m a better fiction writer, to feel smug. I feel guilty about that. But I like it. I feel like I’m a huge bitch and I’ve been trying to not do anything that will make my roommate think I am a bitch, and tonight I felt bad because she saw me rewash a bowl she had done poorly but I didn’t try to hide it, I stood there and washed the damn bowl. I know that the other night when my guy was over and they were yammering on about school, I went over and started washing dishes and he came over to me! It works, goddamnit! I want to manufacture it all the time now. I want to be able to shift my vibe so on top of my job hunting I’m going back to my Rori tools, from the ebook at the beginning, and I’m going to drink them all in and absorb them into me. I WILL feel powerful and I WILL feel good because I deserve to. If a thought doesn’t feel good, it isn’t true. And isn’t that fun? That our brains are a CHALLENGE to us! The MAN is something we want to make the challenge because we think it’s too hard and scary and too intimate to CHALLENGE our brains! The fear is that we will snap something or irreparably change something and we won’t be the same person…it’s an attachment to sameness and comfort like Rori talks about, and I don’t want to speak for anyone else when I say this, but my god, for me at least and maybe for any other woman reading this, it makes total sense! Because you CAN”T have all the things you want and know you deserve and be the same person!! The woman I am has to die so the woman I’m meant to be can live!!!! I feel so bad about this though, and I want the old me to know that no matter what I won’t forget her and I’ll carry her memory with me, inside me, and she’ll wave at me from way back when and smile and say I’m so happy for you/me/us!!!!!!!

  18.  #18Daria on January 28, 2009 at 8:47 pm

    OMG BETHANY I feel speechless… My mouth open I feel awed!

    I Never realized this before! The old me has to die so that the new me who can have everything I want and deserve cna LIVE. That is why I am changing so much! And I feel a little guilty to the old me because I used to feel proud that I never change! And I feel worried that I won’t be the unselfish and loving person I used to be. BUT I WANT TO BE UNSELFISH AND LOVING AND YET A GODESS THAT LOVES HERSELF TOO.

    Thank you so much for posting your riff. Wow it felt inspiring!

  19.  #19Linda G on January 28, 2009 at 9:03 pm

    I read this post just now. I think I’m Sandra. Just today I almost…you know. whew!

  20.  #20Reshi on January 28, 2009 at 10:12 pm

    Aaaaargh! Bethany’s post has me triggered. How is he a boyfriend if he won’t have sex with her or tell her he loves her? How does he deserve a place in her life at all? I feel hurt and angry to think about a man treating a woman that way.

    I feel hopeful for Bethany because I can feel her youth and beauty and adorable awkwardness, and her dedication to herself that shines so wonderfully here. I feel that every man on the planet would want to be with her.

    Last night I felt like every man on the planet would want to be with me. But tonight I would prefer that they left me alone.

  21.  #21alias girl on January 28, 2009 at 10:30 pm

    i feel sad. i don’t know if i want the old me to die. i really really like this me. it took me so long and so much to make this me. omg i feel sad. i feel scraed to give up my rigid independence. i feel scraed to be all soft and gooey. f that the world is hard so i need to be hard. f everyone. i feel sad. i feel sad. i want to be this fabulous woman in a great relationship or at least dating great guys and i’m still this loner chick who does odd idosynchratic things with her time (did i use the correct word?)

    i feel angry. i feel rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. i want to be the woman who doesn’t look at the price tag. she just knows what she likes and what she wants and gives that to herself. i want to be the woman who does not listen to other people telling me i can’t. i can and i will. when you use the word can’t you mean you can’t now leave me be with my dreams and plans.

    i am a godess. i just am. i am more than half way there. i see my highest self and i am lovely. i am loving (whatever the fuck that means. god that word annoys me) i am self loving. i know what self love looks like and it does not include horrible sacrifices that it seems loving other people does.

    i am stronger and stronger refusing to be taken down by old negative thought paths in my brain. think of puppies. the ocean. being loved. anything to turn around the negative groove. i am done with that old pattern of being. i am overjoyed to see the fearful, negative, scarcity driven self die. nice knowing you but i am moving on. thank you for protecting me but i have learned new tools and it is time now to morph into the kind of woman who can live in the dreams i seefor myself.

    thank you bethany. i feel great love and gratitude. i see enormmous progress of everyone. truly. me too.

  22.  #22Bethany on January 29, 2009 at 12:15 am

    After reading what I wrote and comments from you ladies, I don’t know, maybe “dying” is a little morbid…I’ve been reading “Steering by Starlight” by Martha Beck (which I highly recommend to anyone on here not totally certain about their career path, although it’s not all about career–Beck talks about a lot of the same things Rori does) and she says we have to “die” all the time in a metaphysical wayto let our real “Stargazer” self emerge…so maybe morphing would be a better image? I don’t know, maybe it’s not the image that matters…it just feels like a revelation to be aware of the fact that the person I am now is not the person who will exist when I have everything I truly want…but maybe that’s okay and maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be? That feels more magnanimous and altruistic to the present self in a way…

    I had the most unguarded exchange I think I’ve ever had with him or any other guy tonight. After I wrote on this post, I went to take a shower to do something to channel my feelings, and when I got out, my roommate said that he had called my phone and then when I didn’t answer he called her to see if he could come over for a bit…I was in my robe with wet hair when he came and so she left to go downstairs to let him in, and when he came up he came and kissed me and stood in the kitchen talking to us both, and I felt PISSED, I mean really, shakingly angry, I felt so mad and fed up with having to “share” him with her even though I know he doesn’t have feelings for her. So went into the bathroom, door open, and combed my hair, then went into my room to change, then walked into the kitchen. He asked how my day was and I said “fine,” and I felt like breaking something, but I tried to let myself feel the anger, breathing, and eventually he followed me into my room and I shut the door (sorry, roommate) and we sat on my bed…he talked about his class and then we laid down and I OPENED UP like I hadn’t before…he asked me how I was and I said “I feel confused…” I even teared up at one point and I’m paraphrasing here but I said I felt confused because I am trying to figure out what to do and I don’t know how much I should factor him and I into my decision…I said it would feel good to be near you…he said yeah, I would like to be near you too…and then he reiterated to me about where he was planning on looking for jobs…then he said that he wants me to follow my dreams and doesn’t want to weigh me down and that whatever happens happens, that he cares about me and is serious about our relationship. I said it feels good that you would give me that freedom and I want to give you that as well…Well, okay. I didn’t really know what to say at all points so I just blinked, maybe would have said “I don’t know what to say…” and a bunch of other things I wanted to talk about didn’t get brought up but oh my god, I felt like I had a breakthrough a little bit…AND RORI SAYS IT IS WHAT IT IS! “I care about you deeply” means just that and “I like you” means just that and nothing more, not “I love you and I want to marry you.” He doesn’t want to clip my wings because he doesn’t want his own clipped. Okay. And maybe this is PERFECT. We’re both SO YOUNG. And I’m not reading into it. I know he cares about me, as he should, and I know he’s not in a place to give me more than he can now, and maybe I can’t do that either…maybe I have to morph into my better, destined self before I have the capacity for more, too. That feels clear, but it also feels sad. It feels like loss. I feel scared about what I will do now: Circular Dating…I care about this guy a lot. It feels good to be with him and I so want him to be the guy…someday. But I know he has to go do his thing…but I feel SAD for some reason…so sad, like I know everything is okay but it feels bad too…we didn’t break up, but we’re not engaged, so this gray area is mine to shape and that feels so scary, so weird…I don’t want to lose him and I don’t want to lose myself and I want to learn all sorts of things and then at the time I’m ready I want him to be the guy because that’s just how I feel…Funny I posted this before I realized this is the Imaginary Relationship post…I feel committed to hanging onto myself more than ever now.

    I remember Cassandra or Caj13 (sorry ladies, getting confused with the C names–pretty sure it was Caj13?) said something about how her guy is growing even though he doesn’t know it, and he’s only doing that because she is growing…that’s how it is I guess! Women are so amazing. I’m so amazing. You’re all so amazing. I want to just take a few moments before bed to feel how amazing we all are. I’m also going to send a little energy out for myself and all of you to get exactly what you want, whatever that looks like.

  23.  #23alias girl on January 29, 2009 at 1:39 am

    i feel confused. i seem to want to hang onto the old and morph into the new both. i want my old, isolated, on- my-own life and i also want my new full of friends, love, activity, a boyfirend life. i feel like i am gripping and grasping. gripping my old life. grasping for my new. i feel so sad to let my exs go. is it possible to keep ex boyfriends in one’s life as friends? it feels like the answer is no.

    i feel reluctant to give up all my solo time. maybe if it doesn’t happen overnight for me i would feel better about that. definitely we can pick up the pace on the dating good great great men and having a boyfriend though!

    i also feel a little reluctant to give up my 100% anonymonity. but if i have the career of my dreams i may lose some of that. i feel unsure about that.

    i feel 100% excited and sure about being wealthy though! hah. i feel clear on that. (finally!)

    i feel grateful. i feel overwhelmingly grateful for everyone who shares on this blog and for rori who created and nurtures this blog and shares her knowledge, experience and tools from her heart so deeply and generously.

  24.  #24Daria on January 29, 2009 at 2:36 am

    I feel awed. Bethany and Alias Girl you guys are awesome. I SOOO feel u. I feel like a “dork” now. I HATE that. And that feels good kinda, to say that. I feel kinda liberated. I SOO don’t care about guys right now. And I feel icky now having said that. It feels like my tummy turning. I ATE TOO MUCH ANYWAY. I feel all energetic and wonderful too. That feels like sighing. I feel good. I forgive myself for eating too much, for Thinking I ate too much, and for having bad dreams. I WANT TO BELIEVE that that doesn’t mean I’m manifesting bad things. I want to feel good about tonite and leaning back so much and REALLY feel good about myself even in situations that have felt bad in the past I CAN DO RIFFING IN MY HEAD NOW… yay it really is awesome… Rori is so onto something. It feels good to follow the squeezes tingles and stuff in my body instead of worrying about what I shoudl be DOING witha guy. MAn it feels like I AM A SELF ABSORBED ASSHOLE TOO more liek a BITCH… yay I AM A BITCH… finally… worked hard to get here looooool… I feel proud…

  25.  #25Daria on January 29, 2009 at 2:39 am

    Lol I now just realized that if someone talks to me a way I don’t like I have the option of yelling I HATE THAT!!! I HATE WHEN PEOPLE TALK TO ME THAT WAY!!! looool… because I get really quiet when someone verbally attacks me … I USED to get really quiet… now I’m going to yell that… fuck if they don’t care how I feel or that I hate that… I’m gonna yell it really loud… hahaha… that’s not even attacking them… I am so cool…

  26.  #26Linda on January 29, 2009 at 5:33 am


    I read your comments. I know how it feels to feel permanently old… somedays I do. I started doing some things for myself that makes me feel better. Tanning just to have a glow, no more white sheet and nails are always done, once in a while my toes. When I do little things for me I suddenly realize I am presenting myself differently. Even the kind of shoes I where make a difference. When I decided to tan again I made the comment to my daughter that “it was time to spruce up the “Old Gray Mare”…. she immediately chastized me!
    Mom you always are putting yourself down. How wonderful to have such a intuitive daughter. I realized that I was projecting that immage so I dont say that and when I stopped that I began feeling better too.

    As I age and out in the single world again, I realize that I value things about me that I would not trade for any youth again. All the things I have experienced in life make me who I am am today. Some are great, some challange me some I hate but it is all me. I look in and hug it all. When I talk to a fellow I have decided to just be me. I tend to overfunction and am stopping that but if I feel like leaning a bit just cause I feel attracted or sexy… then I am doing it. The rules are good guidelines and if you have a repetitive pattern of failure or discconect with fellows then look into it and make some adjustments. But… if you take your personality out of it and become a rule follower only we loose ourselves again in my thinking.

    I am gonna be me, and have fun. Not worry about too much and find my groove, just flow. It feels great for the first time in a long time.



  27.  #27heartbeat on January 29, 2009 at 6:28 am

    Yeah, Linda – that bit about rules feels exactly right! I like using this blog to try out tools and practise using words differently to how I’m used to, then I want to feel natural speaking out in the world. Inevitably I find the practice has changed my pattern of speaking, increasingly I remember, when I need to, to Say Less, Lean Back or include a feeling message.

    Alias Girl, that feels like it ties in with what you wrote about morphing, fear of losing solitude and anonymity. Yeah, that feels familiar to me. I’ve been changing in small steps – it felt too much change to do all at once. I still feel like ME, only more able to keep my sense of myself.

    Hi to everyone, I’m feeling a bit knackered after my first windsurf of the new year, so hugs all round and catch up soon! XXX

  28.  #28Reshi on January 29, 2009 at 9:40 am

    Bethany, I don’t think the dying analogy is morbid at all, I’ve done a lot of work that involves dying to one thing or one part of the self so that something new can be born. The first time I did it, I thought I was literally going to die! But you’re right, it’s a hard concept to explain in words so that people will understand it and not freak out. 🙂

    Now, as for men…I’m still tired of them. Blargh. Maybe I don’t want to be married at all.

  29.  #29Bethany on January 29, 2009 at 11:16 am

    Alias GIrl–I absolutely identify with what you said about being a “loner” and not wanting to give up your anonymity–have you ever taken the Enneagram personality test? Rori recommended it to me, and it’s both fascinating and scarily accurate… is really cool and there are also books about the 9 different personality types. It helped me understand myself a little better, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you and I are the same type!

    I woke up full of anger this morning. I feel hurt and wounded because I don’t know what’s real…why the hell do I see him sporadically during the week when he stops by, but then makes plans for group outings for the weekends? I feel so fucking sick of group dates, where my roommate is always fucking hanging out with us. I feel venemous and vindictive and so pissed, I want to punch his stupid face in. I feel so mad! AM I NUTS to feel that I want more exclusive time with my boyfriend? My roommate said she didn’t want to go if I didn’t want her to, but fucking hell, why can’t he just want to spend time with me? I feel way too focused on him, i HAVE to circular date, but why won’t men look at me? That feels so frustrating, I am an attractive woman, always breathing from my pelvis, and walking through the library, guys don’t look at me or come talk to me! I feel like I always have to agree to doing things with my boyfriend otherwise I don’t get any time…CODEPENDENT! I wanted to go home this weekend but then he said he was going to this coffee shop to study and would I want to come with him and I felt all weak inside and sooooo fucking happy that he wanted to include me and I said yes…god fucking damnit…I feel so confused about what to do. Making plans for an outing that includes my roommate and other people is NOT a date, right? SO I could go home and blow it off…but if I do that because I’m angry then I’m running…I feel so angry that I won’t stand by myself…what happens to me when he gets around me? I feel so quivery inside and my eyes start to glaze over like a frightened rabbit, I love my fear and my stupid-girl reaction. I feel overwhelmed with desire for him, and I feel like I’m still in this funhouse…I feel so numb, just cold inside, no tears, nothing…I feel so MAD! I feel sooo angry that I can’t, in the moment, deliberately act on my feelings, I feel so angry at my automatic trauma response which is to make everything okay and I feel so uncherished by him…but then he’s sweet and everything melts away…intermittent rewards! Toxicity! Cluelessness! Youth! IT’s all so damn triggering and I feel hurt because he is not acting like a boyfriend in my eyes…and I’m hell bent on being a good girlfriend. So fuck it, I’m going home this weekend. He can call me to go to the coffee shop and I won’t be here. MY URGE is to stay here and wait for him to take me out so I can just be in his PRESENCE but what the fuck?! I’m the prize and he should be clamoring for my exclusive one-on-one attention! That feels so indignant and self-righteous, and it feels kind of naughty, to go home without warning but if I FIND OUT YOUR PLANS FOR A GROUP OUTING FROM MY ROOMMATE IT’S NOT A DATE and it’s NOT WHAT I WANT!!!!! Oh how generous of you to let me tag along on your little coffee shop study session you asshole. I feel nuts for being so angry about this. IT’s not a big deal. But my LIFE is a big deal and if I go home I can get some stuff in order and my mom is going to help me get a plane ticket to Washington, DC to check it out…so in MY BEST INTEREST, IT FEELS BETTER TO GO HOME AND INVEST IN MY FUTURE, NOT STICK AROUND HERE WAITING TO GO ON UNSATISFYING NON-INTIMATE EXCURSIONS WITH MY QUASI-BOYFRIEND AND MY ROOMMATE!!!!

    I feel so scared that if I don’t stay around and make everything easy, he will get mad and leave me…that’s an automatic good-girl reaction. I feel so scared, my mind is spinning, but i love my fear, I love hot it wants to protect me. But I’m not my fear and I’m going to do the better thing for me and not stay in my cage. That feels frightening too, but it’s not a fear feeling sullied with frustration and resentment. It feels like clean fear.

  30.  #30DocK on January 29, 2009 at 12:01 pm


    I feel gratitude to you for your expression of anger. Sometimes I feel so much anger as well – then I question whether or not I am a “good” person. How can I be when I am feeling rage and obsessing and out of control? That’s when I feel crazy and like I am the only crazy person in the world and all other people are the “shiny happy people holding hands.” Ridiculous. I feel indignant too – just like you said – like, ‘damn you – put in the effort – DO something’ and that is when I feel helpless. Again, just thank you – you are real and you feel and I loved learning from your writing.

  31.  #31Sandy on January 29, 2009 at 3:14 pm

    I’m seeing this post late, but this is so true! My guy broke up with me for the 3rd time and I didn’t contact him. I was still on his email list that he sends funny emails out to now and then, and after a month or so, I did respond to one, just a ‘that’s funny’ or something. He replied, basically with an invitation for sex, nothing else. I refused, saying I needed the possibility of a relationship in order to see him. A month later, a similar incident, and I said “I stated what I need’. He replied that I was no fun anymore. Then a couple more months went by and I get a call, he misses me, he’s feeling lonely. So I did see him, and he was so grateful to be with me. Been seeing him about every other weekend since, and last weekend he said he’s lucky to have me. I am trying to keep the leaning back, and not worrying when I don’t hear from him, not worrying about why I don’t see him every weekend. It seems to be working. I made him lasagna and a cake for his birthday and he thanked me for that for a week!

  32.  #32alias girl on January 29, 2009 at 3:53 pm

    i feel happy bethany came to a place of WHAT FEELS GOOD for her. i find if i really pay attention to what feels good and what feels bad i make pretty good, self loving decisions. i feel very happy about that. that feels like my whole face lifting and walking lighter and breathing clean, life sustaining air.

    i feel good leaning back too. i have been leaning back with my last ex who’s still around and i am learning. i feel good practicing. i feel very open to dating all sorts of men. i feel excited and curious. i feel interested in remaining curious and greatful. grateful. i feel very up and present for the unfolding adventure of my life.

    i feel like at the gym when i build my muscles over time, with repetition. i can become stronger and less clingy. i feel unattractive when i am clingy. i feel unattractive when i am demanding of respect or attention. ick. i am a woman who does not give my energy or my time to disrespectful people. and certainly not to people who are asking for my time or energy.

    i feel open to men who are sending their energy to me. i feel curious about those men in particular.

  33.  #33heartbeat on January 29, 2009 at 5:47 pm

    Bethany Yeah I know, it’s scary to do things differently – I feel truly impressed with your process and wish you well whatever you decide about te weekend. I’d like to share that I feel afraid too if I do my own thing sometimes, yeah it’s a reaction, but it usually feels great in the end, and I have more love for my man.

    Sandy I got a real warm feeling reading your comment – hey hope things keep on getting better.

  34.  #34heartbeat on January 29, 2009 at 5:49 pm

    Hi Alias Girl – I like your gym comment! It feels like a great analogy for what we’re doing on here. I like that you’re so open and curious about life. Thank you! 🙂

  35.  #35alias girl on January 29, 2009 at 5:59 pm

    i meant to write i certainlydo not feel interested in people who are NOT asking for my time or energy. (i mis wrote it in comment above.)

    i feel interested in the people/ men who are interested in me. i feel interested in reciprocity. i feel interested in receving and giving back. 🙂

  36.  #36Bethany on January 29, 2009 at 6:53 pm

    Thanks all for your support…I felt so disappointed when he texted me about going to this coffee shop today, and then when texted back a little later and said sure, I’m at…wherever I was, then he texted back and said “oh shit, I’m already there.” well, there was no communication about what we were doing and I felt hurt…I want a guy to come pick me up!! And I didn’t text back, just went back to the apartment I’m staying at ready to pack up my shit and move home, I felt like I’d had enough. Then he calls me and asks if I’m coming to meet him and I said no, then he said are you going home and I said yes…and then I just poured out my stuff, I said I don’t feel like you and I want the same things, when you dance with other older married women in front of me it makes me uncomfortable but this feels really casual and I don’t like it and I want my happy ever after and I don’t know if you want that…then I ended up going over there and we talked in the car, and he said I know i have one foot in and one foot out…i’ve been a shithead…sometimes I get lazy and want no obligations…he said he likes me but he doesn’t know how much he likes me…I said it doesn’t feel good to have one foot in and one foot out and he should figure it out but I can’t give all of myself to someone who’s not sure about me…he said “you want more certainty…” and I said “yes…I want someone who knows that they want me…” I said I “feel like I love you” and it just popped out of my mouth, couldn’t help it, and he said “ah, and kissed my hand…” I feel really confused now. I feel good that I know where he is and what he can and cannot give me, and I know he knows he’s not where I want to be…but it feels sad, it feels like my heart is melting in a bad way, and it feels like ripping and tearing…but he asked me to go to a movie tonight…I think this may be our last “date” because I don’t know what to do other than pack up and move home…there just aren’t any job prospects here for me and I haven’t heard about any of the others I’ve applied for yet…I don’t know if he’s my boyfriend or not…but it doesn’t matter, he’s just what he is…I feel sad but I feel weird…my brain is working out all sorts of strategies for what if I stay and he changes his mind…blah blah blah, I feel tired

  37.  #37alias girl on January 29, 2009 at 10:27 pm

    i feel compassion for bethany.i relate. sometimes i just don’t know what is the best decision for me. i feel impressed by her strength and also her semi speech. i feel great hope she finds her great GREAT man. sometimes the timing is off. but if i was really meant to have been with any of my exes the timing would have been perfect. it just would have worked bc we would have both wanted to make ourselves a team at the same time. i feel good about my life. i feel very very very grateful to have a warm safe apt and a lovely godess bed bc right now i just got home and felt so grateful i could collapse and feel unburdened bc i feel unusually tired tonight. i feel grateful. i feel grateful for the men i have given my heart to in the past. i feel grateful for so many things in my life. i remember when i used to go to these support meetings back in the day and someone would bring up gratitude and i would want to punch them in the face at least two or three times. i was very unhappy then and couldn’t find gratitude. but i stuck with this crazy thing called life and kept trying things and working to improve myself and things got better.

  38.  #38heartbeat on January 30, 2009 at 3:10 am

    Bethany what you wrote feels GREAT, you spoke your truth and are now in a different place than the not-knowing, angry place you were in before. I’m imagining your Horse carrying you forward step-by-step – it feels good resting, not having to plan or make big decisions.

  39.  #39Jem on January 30, 2009 at 8:24 pm

    Sandy, it’s great to get feedback on how someone has handled a situation with a man. Examples are great and help others set goals. Plus, it gives me hope!

    Bethany, I think you need a break from this guy. You sound like you are about to fall apart and I think in order to get compusure you need to pull away from this guy and all the things bringing you down and find a place you can get a Happy Confident You. You’re doing good, but you need some self pampering.

  40.  #40searchingwithin on February 1, 2009 at 7:33 am

    Growing up in the time period that I did, and in the times that women are growing up in today, with feminists abound teaching us to be men, it is hard to remember what we are, and that is a glorious woman!

    There is a reason we are opposites. When you hear the statement that “opposites attract”, this is what it means. When you break something in half, and put it back together again, the broken edges are opposite to each other, so that they fit together perfectly. For daytime there must be nighttime, so they fit together to create a complete day.

    Women today spend so much time trying to be a man and competing with a man, they forget to appreciate what they are.

  41.  #41Sylvie on February 1, 2009 at 10:30 am

    Hi there,

    I’m a lost on this website. There is so much to read and so many tools – I don’t know where to start. And everyone seeems so young!

    I have the ebook but it seems to be written for women in a relationship.

    HELP! Because I need it….



  42.  #42Reshi on February 1, 2009 at 10:37 am

    Searchingwithin, I too grew up with a constant pressure to be a man. To the point where somehow it was drilled into me that men would not like me because I didn’t drink beer with the guys and my figure was too feminine–I was seriously convinced that all men were secretly gay, in a way, and only interested in women who were manly–that they all just had this superiority complex and looked down on women–but would deign to let a woman into their world if she was “man enough.” BLARGH. Then when we act like men and, like, have meaningless sex with them, they lose interest anyway. It felt like men were on this pedestal and we had to go get them–or better yet, ignore them and hate them because, after all, we could be men on our own–but if we were so weak as to still want a man, we should call them and ask them out, because we are liberated.

    Ugh, I feel like I just vomited on the blog. I suppose what I want to be is a feminine feminist. The kind who leads women’s circles and helps women come into their Feminine power and make full use of it to create results in the world! I feel like Rori is that kind of a woman and I feel inspired by her work and devotion.

  43.  #43Rori Raye on February 1, 2009 at 10:57 am

    Sylvie, Welcome – and the Tools in the ebook are the FOUNDATION for everything you see here and in all my other more specific programs. It doesn’t matter WHERE you are in your love life. Do these Tools all day long, practice with yourself, practice with every single man you meet or talk with your engage with in any way shape or form, and you’ll see how they work. Everything else is advanced work. You must get used to watching yourself for the 4 Rules and get used to using Feeling Messages as your FIRST LANGUAGE. Practice the Sensual Meditation and Listening at Level 2 from the book – they are crucial for the rest of the Tools about being PRESENT. Let me know how they work for you when you just work with one at a time. Baby-Step by baby step. Love, Rori

  44.  #44Flipper on February 3, 2009 at 5:37 am

    Sylvie, just to reassure you: We are of ALL ages on this site, and are in all stages of real, imaginary or ‘no’ relationships (in fact, we all have the most important relationship there is, the one with ourself). That just reinforces the universal validity of what’s going on here. And no matter at what stage of feminism or patriarchy we were brought up in, we still, in reality, Feel the same things and must learn to be in touch with them, to allow ourselves to just BE who we are.

    As you absorb the material from the ebook, you can start on really going deep to know yourself and feel everything by going through the ‘Power and Self Esteem’ section on this blog (see upper-right sidebar), from the beginning. The riffing is a very powerful tool that will serve you long and well. Once you’ve put the words on your feelings for yourself, you will find them more easily for your feeling messages with others.

    I feel that truly modern feminism is really authentic Humanism. (And it’s only been a very few generations that it’s taken to get us there – not 5000 years of figuring out the limitations for everyone of ‘masculinism’.) As Searchingwithin wrote, the seeming opposites are really complements to form a Whole. And it’s feeling from our feminine heart that is the wellspring and the cement.

  45.  #45Cassandra on February 3, 2009 at 5:43 pm

    You guys amaze me. I loved loved loved this post. I know I am only about 3 weeks late though! LOL I think that this REALLY hit home for me in so many ways I can totallay relate to pretty much everything that al of you said in your posts. Bethany – I loved what you said about the old you dying so taht the new you can surface thereby allowing you to have what you want and so deserve. I thought that was so cool. I have been in an imaginary relationship for over a year….even before I moved here but did not realize it…REALLY realize it until last week. That was when it hit me that I will never have what I want for my life with the man I am with….never. He is who he is and is not going to change therefore I have to change and I have to move on. Bethany, I can so totally relate to you and what you are going thru right now and I hate that you are hurting as you are. I know it hurts. I was indeed the one that said that Charles is growing although he doesn’t even know it and it is becuase I am growing but all of that does not change who he really is. I cannot remain in this relationship as I now realize that slowly but surely it has indeed been killing me…..literally. I SO know how you feel but now part of me accepts this and sees Charles so differently now. Of courser I still love him and would love it if things could be right but the reality is that he has done so many things to destroy trust that it is beyond repair at this point. Your X does not know what he wants and that in itself is not good for you. You are so right whenyou told him that you want to be with someine who knows that they want you – BRAVO for telling him that. You were so strong in all of the things taht you said to him and I am deeply proud of you! I so want to tell Charles how I feel too but I also realize that he is more toxic than toxic and it would do no good….he most likely would not even get what I am saying so why waste my energy. This was so awesome….to read this post and everyone’s responses.

    You guys rock!!

  46.  #46Flipper on February 3, 2009 at 6:28 pm

    Cassandra, I read your other post about the different ex offering to help you get away. It certainly sounds like an interesting option. Would this set-up with the room mate be in your old town? If you’d be going back to where you’re from, that should surely limit the possibilities of getting too stuck or dependant on him while you’re getting yourself back on track, no? Only you can Feel if this is the opportunity you need – that it is something that is opening up the possibles and not making you risk getting into another bind. The timing certainly feels right – you are ready for a solution. Does having your mother’s support in this feel good to you or do you feel more wary because of it? It feels like excitement coming through your new found energy and determination. A big bouquet hug to help with your decisions. XO

  47.  #47Cassandra on February 3, 2009 at 6:54 pm

    Flipper…..I just read your post…thank you so much for your input! I so value your ideas, suggestions and input so thank you. I think that the whole thing scares me in that I would REALLY be leaving here and that is it…which I know is coming anyway but it makes it so much more REAL and then there is the whole thing where I don’t trust myself to make good decisions in many areas of my life anymore. To have my Mom’s support means alot but I still feel afraid of it in that I would be dependent on him and I DON”T want to ever be dependent on another man….ever not after all that I have been thru with this situation. I do think that he means well and really does want to help me but I also know taht he continually tells me whenever we talk that he still loves me and still wants to marry me. He hurt me in the past…not physically but he hurt my heart and I am so afraid to put myself in another situation where I could possibly get hurt somehow even though I have made it clear that we are ONLY friends and there is no possibility for anything else. I don’t know…..maybe I am closing the door on something really good but then again I could be setting myself up to be in another situation where I am at the mercy of another man. It is not in my old city but it is only an hour and a half away so I could see all of my old friends so much more easily and more often and that in itself would be so nice.

    Daria..I also got your post too. Thank you so much. So you think I should go for it…..hmmmmmmm…..I am really at a loss. I would not do this without him signing something to the tune of what he had said…that he would be paying the rent but I would be the resident. I am afriad though that if he gets upset with me or something that I could be setting myself up again. I trusted Charles and look what happened. I am so not sure what to think. I am going to take Flippers bouquet and just take in the beauty of that as I think about all of this. part of me feels excited but part of me feels scared.
    I love you guys!

  48.  #48susan on March 13, 2009 at 11:08 am

    I’ve been in a long-term relationship for many years until it was recently suddenly broken off by him, saying that he “needed space” and that “it just didn’t work out”. I was shocked because his previous behaviour didn’t indicate this: he was thoughtful, loving, and romantic.. Anyway I moved out and did not initiate contact, although I felt I was dying inside. He sent me a few text messages to see how I was. He now wants to meet up with me to “discuss a few things”.
    I am worried about my reaction (i.e. talking too much / not being able to hold it together). I don’t want to end up taking all the responsibility for the failures and wonder if the meeting is indeed about him getting closure / moving on…
    What should I do?

  49.  #49Jem on March 13, 2009 at 11:26 am

    How long has it been since you left and he made contact? I would go and just listen since he brought it up the meeting. He may just start off wanting to be friends and then he may want more. Just take it very slow and do all the listening and don’t answer right away. Oh, dress to impress you not him.

  50.  #50susan on March 13, 2009 at 11:37 am

    It’s been a month since I moved out. I have heard something from him almost every week.. initially, he only wanted to talk about practical matters, and we’ve not had any discussion about “us”. I initially wanted reasons and answers, but don’t feel the need anymore..

  51.  #51Jem on March 16, 2009 at 11:51 am

    Well, Susan did you meet up with him?

  52.  #52susan on March 16, 2009 at 2:00 pm

    Yes, I did.. I tried to keep it as “light” as possible, and he did too. If someone were watching us, they would have thought that we were a completely normal couple, joking around and having a nice conversation. He asked if I “understood” what had happened.. I replied that I understood that I didn’t *need* him to make me happy, but that I did miss him. I felt that my heart was breaking inside..
    I got the impression that he still felt something too, but that it was almost a matter of honor/pride that he stands by his decision.. I wish I could feel better..

  53.  #53Jem on March 16, 2009 at 6:05 pm

    Well, that’s great. However, it sounded like he needed to get his fix. Meaning, he sees you, misses you, but when you took the bait to see him, he realizes you still miss him too. Somewhere in his mind he thinks you’ll wait for him. I say…keep your distance. Don’t always answer his text, emails or phone calls. Keep yourself busy and everytime you feel the urge to contact him or respond call a girlfriend. It will all work out, let him miss you more…Do the circular dating.

  54.  #54susan on March 17, 2009 at 10:39 am

    Thanks Jem… I think you’re right.. that’s what I plan to do, but I’m worried about falling into the “friend trap”. I know that there are many things I could have done differently, I know that I can’t go back and change, but I do feel that we were (are?) right for each other. Also, I’m finding things a bit difficult as I live in a city where I don’t know that many people. I have taken steps to make new friends, but this will take time.

  55.  #55Jem on March 17, 2009 at 11:50 am

    Don’t worry, if you don’t take many of his attempts to communicate with you the “friend” trap he’s trying to provide for himself will fade. He’ll soon be looking for you and wondering what you are doing.

    I too, was in the same boat. It was hard but I avoided all his attempts because I didn’t want to fall into that trap. It took 6 months before I caved to speak with him over the phone versus a few one string sentences at least once a month from his attempts to keep contact. I once indicated I was really busy and right after Christmas his seeking me out was growing increasingly more and more.

    So, like I said, keep yourself busy. I joined a Meetup group so I could get out and see new venues I had not ever seen before in the city where I live. I’ve met new friends through it and some really good networking for things I might of not needed at the time. Such as a good hair salon, a good mechanic, etc…

    So give it a chance… fill out your city and scroll through the meetups you might be interested in. I joined three. I’ve been busy since that time.

    My ex-boyfriend is now my boyfriend again. He’s treating me way better than I could ever imagine. He’s even hinting at the situation I wanted not what he wanted.

    He’s always been a turtle but he’s not pulling away any longer. It’s been since September of 2008, when things started to grow again. It was like starting over. He keeps telling me how I have changed. Even this past week, when I went overseas to see him he’s indicated that. The best time I’ve ever had with him.

    Keep moving on…

  56.  #56Susan on March 18, 2009 at 9:18 am

    Thanks Jem, I was heartened by your story and am really happy that things worked out for you. I have met quite a few new people, but I can’t seem to stop thinking about him (even at work) and this near-continuous yearning from the moment my eyes open in the morning. I know that I should be looking at this as an opportunity to grow and become a better and more rounded person, but I can’t answer the question why I could not have done all these things while still being together with him…

  57.  #57Love Survivor on August 17, 2010 at 3:12 am

    I am just now starting to deal with things after 5 years, you should read my first blog post about my imaginary relationship.

  58.  #58Bianca on July 28, 2011 at 10:15 am

    I asked this guy out but he rejected me and now i feel really akward and dont know what to do to make our friendship like it used to be plz help ~BIANCA

  59.  #59Pidge on March 5, 2013 at 5:25 pm

    Hi, I’m new to this but my story is so similar to Susan’s. the attraction on both sides was immediate. We started dating exclusively but only after I refused ‘Friends with Benefits’ for about 6 months. Here’s where i think my story differs. He was attentive, kind, generous, loving, caring, texting, emailing and persuing me to spend time with me. He introduced me as his ‘future wife’ to both our friends and children and then when it all felt comfortable and very scary I started to verbally attack him, critised him, judged him, looked for things I didn’t like about him. He backed and of course stopped introducing me as his future wife. I realised what I had done and having followed Rori for sometime ( I already had the targeting Mr Right program) I ordered the ‘Have The Relationship You Want’ E book. Unfortunately I didn’t read it and he was never quite as attentive He started to announce on occasion that he would NEVER re-marry.
    After spending a lovely familly Christmas with us we had a strained New Year, both being ill and he repeated this Never re-marrying once more. I told him I found this upsetting as he had always known that I would love to re-marry at some point in the future, to grow old with someone and be part of a team. I got angry and upset and as usual attacked him (verbally). We then went away on holiday but it was clear he was distant and not very emotionally attentive. I once again went on the attack. He said it wasn’t me he was just never going to marry anyone and so I ended it 2 days in with another 5 days to go. I cried and sulked and on returning home said goodbye. I have now read the e book and completed the exercises and realise I went wrong. I am a strong independent woman with my own business, my own house and having brought up my 2 children alone for 12 years I am somewhat of a control freak! He is semi retired and doesn’t need to work full time, he prefers not to, which is ok. I know now, having read the book, I destroyed his wonderful love, carrying masculine energy into the relationship and then complaining he didn’t step up. I didn’t stick to even one of the 4 rules, when I had his love I got scared and hammered him down. Each time I attacked, he ran even to another country at one point. Since the break up I have been working on myself. I realise I have issues from my childhood and I’m working to love every part of me and to understand my anger, I’m keeping myself busy with fitness classes, spending time with old friends and family and shopping trips. I saw him last week on an evening out in town but we couldn’t even speak to each other, in fact, he ran again. It’s a small town and he left both the bars I walked into almost immediately.
    My dilemma is this, am I in the same boat as Susan? Having done the exercises in the book I realise he is a good man and there are lots of reasons I love and respect him and that most of the issues were/are mine. Do I contact him to explain (in as simple a language as i can manage, using feeling messages) my situation and how i feel about him and try really hard not to control the outcome (no expectations) or do I continue to work on myself and hope he lands back in my circle soon. I feel with the book and committing fully to the relationship we could turn this around but I’m very scared he won’t hear me.
    Jayne x

  60.  #60Rori Raye on March 5, 2013 at 10:51 pm

    Pidge – part of the work you have to do is let go of him. Small town or not, date other men, work on yourself, and treat him like a FRIEND. Build a friendship with him by giving him the space he needs and letting him see that you’ve really “moved on.” That’s when he’ll get interested again, if this is meant to be. Love, Rori