Recover Your Joy

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I got a comment from Clara a few days ago, and I wanted to do more for her –  Clara is seriously obsessed and addicted to a man who is no good for her, who’s been in and out of her life for years and years, and even though she’s only 42 and married, she cannot free herself from thinking about this man for very long. You can read Clara’s comments here ->

I have many friends who are therapists and practitioners and who specialize in different issues important to us all.  Linda Landon, among many of her specialties, works to help people recover from all kinds of addictions.  I’ll ask her to guest post here with special help for Clara and any of you who are suffering from similar toxic situations – meanwhile, I received this lovely newsletter from Linda – here’s a photo of her so you can feel her talking to you –  and I wanted to share it with Clara and see if it helps you, too:

Recover Your Joy

“As I painted the good, the bad, and the ugly, everything – even the most dreadful and unacceptable – became beautiful in its expression. By the fifth day I had arrived at what my teacher, Michele Cassou, calls Point Zero, and what was pouring out of me was joy.

In the world of recovery we talk about what we’re recovering from – alcoholism, drug abuse, compulsive shopping, and so on. How often do we talk about what we want to recover back? Through coaching, clients in recovery can reclaim their innate capacity to be wise, insightful, creative, playful, and free: They can recover back their joy.

Recovery is a multi-layered process that may include therapy, counseling, sponsorship, and working a Twelve Step program. When the client is ready, recovery coaching can open up their capacity to identify what really matters to them in the present, so they can shape a future infused with these values. As a recovery coach, I guide clients to unearth and move through their stuck places so they can access their own Point Zero. From there, they can set goals and take actions to shape a life that has purpose and meaning.

Experience has shown me that if we do not create from this essential place, we cannot truly realize our goals. We may set goals and take actions that look right on the outside, or we may pursue goals that others have set for us, but ultimately we will find it difficult to follow through and bring them into reality – unless we go within and ensure they are connected to our values.

A client came to me six months into her recovery from drug addiction. In the beginning she did some exercises to discover core values that had been hidden beneath her addiction. Then I asked her, “If you really lived by these values, and dared to dream, what would your life look like?” She envisioned a beautiful home in a peaceful setting and an infant in her arms. Now, two years later, she lives in that home and is about to have a baby.

Another one of my clients is a business professional who runs a small company. When he arrives for our session, he’s often agitated and distressed. For him, coaching is an opportunity to access his Point Zero, and ground himself. Sometimes all he needs is a five minute guided meditation. As he follows his breath, he returns to the present moment and quiets the chatter in his mind. Then, often without any further guidance, he is able to intuitively solve the problems that were overwhelming him at the beginning of the session.

Sometimes I offer clients this exercise to help them tap into their inner source:

Place on a flat surface an 8 ½ x 11 piece of white paper and hold in one hand a colored pencil or crayon. Close your eyes, be with your breath, and begin to sense the weight of the pencil in your hands. Now allow your eyes to open and place the pencil on the paper. Stay present with your breathing as you begin to move your hand.

Let the pencil guide you, notice the mind wanting to make something, and keep moving. Follow the flow, feel the pencil, and sense the texture of paper for several minutes. Do your best to not judge your creation. Your job is to be with the experience, not the result. Now stop, take a couple of breaths, and be with whatever it is you created. Put your name and date on it, and set it aside. Then notice how this process affects the rest of your day.

Coaching is a courageous act. It supports us to tap into a reservoir of possibility and potential that is so much bigger than who we have thought ourselves to be. To face and shift who we think we are is not always comfortable – and it can bring us great joy.


***I’ve known Linda for a long while. She’s a great coach, teacher and professional speaker. If you’d like to contact her about her recovery work or the Point Zero painting class, and read more of Linda’s articles go to

And Clara, and any of you who feel addicted to a man who’s no good for you, and who are suffering from abuse and torment from the past, let me know how you’re doing with my Tools, and how else I can help you…

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Clara on November 4, 2008 at 9:32 am

    Dear Rori,
    Thank You for Posting Linda’s Letter, and a big thanks to her, with you I feel surrounded and supported, and I cannot say how grateful I am.
    I already wrote about how your eBook is helping me and mostly shifting my anguish and fear, helping me express my anger and my sadness, though I have never thought I was bottling up, but until I read your eBook I knew how much frustrated I was and that controling my feelings made me go numb!
    I really want to be FREE, to express myself in an authentic way, yet without hurting anyone around me, even this Toxic Man that once ruined my life.
    I want to feel my Boundaries, I want to be HAPPY, and give back to my husband all the love he is giving me, yet now I am starting to understand that if I don’t shed off like a snake the old me, with all of its anger frustration and sadness, in short forgetting my old BAD habits ( or addiction) and replace the whole package, and start from ” the Zero Point” like Linda wrote, I won’t be able to do so.
    And I Thank God for you Rori, for your invaluable guidance, and precious help and presence…
    I want to do this for MYSELF, I want to be able to make my choices, and see my path as clearly as possible, to Light and inner freedom…
    I want to be on my bridge and welcome Everyone who wants to visitme there ON MY OWN TERMS, TIME and AVAILABILITY…
    I miss ME …the one I used to be when I was 23 the real funny, out-going and “strong on the inside soft on the outside” that this ex managed to put in a coma…
    I want to wake up…
    Thank you Rori for providing me with the OXYGEN mask!!
    God Bless you,

  2.  #2Lin on November 4, 2008 at 7:11 pm


    You are so wonderful, your teaching are so special…. Today.. as doing your tools… and dating.. and building my self esteem.. !!
    Is so wonderful… dating a few nice men… and one especially…. is doing wonders for me… and now my x says he loves me .. and he is putting it in the paper for the whole world to see….. amazing…. its though… Rori… and me taking care of me.. that has made him see the light….. !! I am taken back cause as hard as it was… Rori is correct….. and we women have to understand it all and do it… !!
    OK.. now… I am dating..and being so adored
    everywhere… what the heck… !! amazing..
    who would of know… I did not know I had that
    kind of power over men .. !! Thank you Rori.
    I will never take crumbs again….
    thank you

  3.  #3Cassandra on November 5, 2008 at 7:28 am

    I am not sure if I fall into the ‘addicted’ category or not but I am sure that once I am able to get your Toxic Men program I will find out. I definitely have had a pattern of choosing men who are not good to or for me and as a result of the work that I am doing here, I feel that that is changing for the first time in my life. while I am still in my relationship with Charles, I have been TOTALLY committed to ME….to working your tools in my life and changing ME FOR ME and I cannot tell you how it has truly changed my life! I am more relaxed in every way…I feel safe being ME for the first time ever….let me say that one more time because it felt so good to say that….I feel safe being ME for the first time in my life……I am focused on me…what is good for me…what I want to do and not on Charles, what he is thinking or doing, etc. Sometimes I fall back into that old pattern but now that I am so focused on the tools I have been able thus far to lovingly and gently bring myself back to my feminine energy….to being a pond and to receiving.

    The change in Charles and in our relationship is night and day! The man in our home now is the man that I fell in love with NOT the one that has been around since shortly after I moved here. He has been loving, attentive, caring, affectionate – HE has been coming to ME to give me a kiss or play with my hair or to give ME a hug! HE has been asking me if I need anything….He has been making sure that I am ok! Rori, this is absolutely amazing!

    I still have that same question for you though……you had mentioned that I need to beware of that. Can you clarify that please?

    Thanks Rori! With love and a hug,

  4.  #4Reshi on November 5, 2008 at 10:37 am

    Cassandra, that’s amazing and awesome…and I’m soooo jealous! AND sooooo happy for you!

    I’m not seeing changes like that in my man yet…a kiss or even a hug would absolutely blow my mind…last night he was awake when I came home and spent some time playing video games and sort of talking to me–but I don’t feel completely safe being ME yet either, and I can FEEL that he doesn’t feel safe around me. I have my MOMENTS of Goddesshood but a lot of the time is still spent feeling this vague “ick”. It’s sure as hell better than feeling the ick all the time, though!

    And other men are starting to fall out of the sky, regardless. I spent my bus ride home talking to a young, handsome stranger who came out of the blue and started talking to me. And I’m on a social networking site where men are just falling all over me…they’re all players and have a collection of pretty women on their friend lists–women far prettier than me, PURSUING THEM…and some of the men are ugly or creepy or stupid and I reject them, but for the most part I just lean back and take in all the attention, sometimes send back a wink or a feeling message. Last night I was at work and feeling upset, and it was coming through in my voice on the phone and I just surrendered and let it–and damned if every man I spoke to didn’t INSTANTLY connect to me for that minute and a half–I could feel the energy from them and it was strange and amazing. My numbers were higher than they’d ever been before. (Leaning back in my chair rather than leaning forward also increased my numbers, I found in past experiments. Who says it’s bad to use Girl energy at work? ;))

  5.  #5Rori Raye on November 5, 2008 at 12:24 pm

    Thank you so much for these comments – Clara, Lin, Cassandra and Reshi – you are doing so brilliantly, and thank you for your INSPIRATION – you are totally inspirational – Reshi – this whole area of doing business “like a girl” is amazing – I’ll do a post on it and then we can talk about how to “work” it…

    Love, Rori

  6.  #6Lin on November 5, 2008 at 12:54 pm

    I cry when I read your posts…. you are amazing!
    Doing so much good work… that’s works.. to be YOU again… not addicted to your x.
    Thinking clear…. also… if you pray hard enough…. God will take it away…just like that.
    Its true..!
    Keep up the wonderful work… !

  7.  #7Clara on November 5, 2008 at 1:10 pm

    You do not know how much I appreciate your words, and your encouragement.
    I thank you from the bottom of my heart, you, Rori, and all of you girls, you are all brave, amazing and courageous, and I thank God for giving me the chance to meet you all, to read your pain and feel for you and pray for all of us so that we will see at the end of the tunnel, the light that is in us, just waiting to shine and BE. We musn’t give up on ourselves..never.
    Again Lin I am not finding the words to express myself, but you know what? Among us there are angels, the only minor difference is they do not have wings! But we can always recognize them from their sensitivity and empathy !

    Thank you again
    God bless you

  8.  #8Cassandra on November 5, 2008 at 1:36 pm

    Thanks guys for your support. This is such an amazing place and I am so thankful for you Rori, this blog and for each of the amazing women here!

    Reshi – thanks for your encouraging words….YOU are such an encouragement yourself! Remember that! 🙂 I think that the more you feel safe with you, the more he will feel safe with you. I am sure that he is seeing wonderful changes in you – he may just not know yet how to convey what he is feeling. Who knows but one thing that I am learning from all of this is that I need to focus on ME and the more that I do, the more that Charles moves toward me. He just called me for the 3rd time in 2 hours to check on me (I am home alone all week as he is out on the road for work). I could not believe it. I know that the more you focus on you, the more your man will notice that in you and move forward plus…..don’t forget about the fact that in some ways he already has moved toward you… some of your earlier posts you guys were barely interacting and now you play video games together! That is progress right there! 🙂 Not only that but look at how you can now be ok in the soup rather than hating those emotions….you now get to the point where you love them and pretty soon you are in a lighter place again and look at all of the outside attention that you are getting now! 🙂 I have followed your posts and YOU have helped me to learn these tools by sharing your own experiences…..thank you for that! I can’t wait to hear about all of the wonderful things that are going to happen in you, for you, in your marriage and for you overall. Thanks Reshi!

    Love and hugs….

  9.  #9TW on November 10, 2008 at 8:33 am

    I need some help on how to turn a situation around. long story short. I have been “dating” this guy off and on for years with no commitment. needless to say I pressured him and tried to make him feel like I was the one. he straightened up for a few weeks but now back to no time, no sex, no phone calls unless he wants something. I have let him be my focus but now I need help turning it around. help!!!

  10.  #10Clara on November 11, 2008 at 8:11 am

    Dear Rori,
    I received the “Toxic Men” DVDs and I followed your instruction and listened to your LOVELY SOOTHING voice
    on the phone, directing and giving advice, and I cannot tell how grateful I am !
    I am working with the “Stranger” inside me, and It happened that this ex of mine was not totally Toxic, he is between difficult and Toxic, but anyway I should not care now, what I am doing is for myself first.
    I thank you for providing us with tools not only to help us fix things but to go deep into our inner selves and discover how our subconscious is dictating our “Life theme” behavior and attitude.
    My “Stranger” was in a cave within a dense foggy damp and dark forest, alone, cold, sad, needing affection, screaming to be recognized, all in rags, dischivelled, dirty and so so alone:( I hugged her, she clinged to me, she cried, I cried with her, I promised her I will listen I will love her, I will take care of HER that she comes first, that others are not as important as her, I took her hand and I wanted to lead her out of teh cave, she is still hesitating….
    Thank you Rori, i can see how my whole life I have put all people first, my ex, my husband now, my family and my friends all before me, before my stranger…and now I understand that all I want is affection and Love…I am working hard to give it to myself …though it feels so strange to say it…but I am still unable to know how or what it feels like…but I made a pledge to myself …”To love me with all the beauty in me and all the yucky things” and with your help and guidance I am sure I will!
    Thank you Rori,
    God Bless YOU,

  11.  #11Cassandra on November 11, 2008 at 9:01 am

    I just read your post and the part about your Stranger made my cry. I hurt for her and wanted to take her out of that place too. I am so happy for you that you are getting to such a wonderful place inside YOURSELF. I wish you nothing but the best and please know that you are also an inspiration to me. Thanks for sharing your journey.

    With love and hugs….

  12.  #12Clara on November 11, 2008 at 10:05 am

    I have read your story to, and how you gave up everything for a man who promised you marriage committment and love, but he is absent most of teh week and did not keep his promises ( until now) and it made cry when I read that you are alone in a city where you know no one, I feel enraged for you, I feel so saddened and It reminded me of how I almost gave up my life (litteraly) just because I thought I loved him.
    I also read your answer to Sarah, and you are 100% right about warning her, and it is your loving and humane side that is reaching out for her…I just hope and wish this man that you love would come around to his senses and see YOU as You are a lovely and beautiful sensitive woman who wants to share her love and be loved in return.
    Thank you for your encouraging words, i will pray for you that you will find peace serenity and LOVE from the man who DESERVES you.
    I hope I will read good news about you, and all teh other ladies in this lovely blog, without your support and Rori’s advices and care I wouldn’t have started anything…
    I pray that Love would be with you all and mostly Joy of life and fulfillment.
    Love and warm hugs to you Cassandra.
    God Bless you

  13.  #13Cassandra on November 11, 2008 at 10:49 am

    Thank you for your post and for your encouragement. I am so glad that you did not give up anything for the man that you thought that you loved! I feel so strongly about any woman giving up anything for a man now that I don’t want Sarah or any other woman to end up where I am. Charles has no clue what effect his behavior and choices have had on my life – he has basically played GOD with my life. Since I have been doing as many of Rori’s tools that I know about, I have noticed that things with Charles are alot better and he has been coming to me…giving and more like he was before I got here but the sad part of of it all is that I don’t trust it. Every time that things have gotten better he has made yet another choice to behave in a manner that destroys trust, respect and his own honor. I am loving that things have been better but I am also afraid to let go and enjoy it…..and simply be. I do so hope that things wil be ok with us and that the light bulb will go on in his head and he will ‘get it’. I do love him…deeply but I have to try to stay focused on ME. If he asked me to marry him right this minute – as much as I would want to say ‘yes – let’s go!’….I would say no. I would accept his ring and wear it proudly but I would also need to see the change in his actions for a period of time and they would need to be consistent…..and he would have to go to counseling with me. Honestly…..I am not sure he is capable of that Clara. I suppose that time will tell and once I am able to find a job I know that I will feel much more ‘in control’. I dread the day that I have to move from our home though and if I do indeed move I serioulsy doubt that I would be able to come back if things did work out – it would hurt too much. He wants me to move until we get married because he does not want us ‘living in sin’. Well exactly whose fault was that??? I did not creat this…he did!

    Following your journey has also been an encouragement for me too so thank you for sharing your expereinces with all of us. I am so thankful for this wonderful place where we can all really be who we are and share our feelings in such a raw and real way and still be loved and accepted. I hope that things will all work out for you as well as you deserve nothing but the best in every area of your life Clara!

    With love and hugs…

  14.  #14Clara on November 11, 2008 at 1:50 pm

    I do understand your feelings, and especially your hesitation concerning your man.
    You know after receiving Rori’s DVDs’ about Toxic Men and working on myself, all of a sudden a thought as weird as unimaginable popped up in my head it went like:’Thank God I did not marry “Nate”-my ex-” !!
    Yes, Rori’s tools made a miracle for me, I was living a nightmare and in 10 days deep changes are surfacing…
    I feel with you strongly, and you are right about taking your time and keeping your boundaries and really take care of your needs and feelings, and yes men often do not realize how hard the impact of their actions have on our lives as women…
    I want to thank you for sharing your touching story with us here, you are an inspiration and no matter what just keep on fighting for yourself, and your life, you deserve Love, Respect and a man who would appreciate the beauty of your soul and the love you give back to him, so even if you are doubtful right now, do not worry, things will unfold even if they will take time, but never give up on yourself and YOUR HAPPINESS, YOU deserve the best of Life, everyone of us deserve the best of life, for we know the real meaning and value of Love, all we want is a chance to give it back.
    May God protect you and assist you,
    With Love and Hugs

  15.  #15Cassandra on November 11, 2008 at 2:48 pm

    Clara, again I was crying as I read your post. Thank you for your loving words of encouragement – you have no idea how much that meant to me. I am so deeply excited for you that things are changing in you….for you and around you so quickly! I know how much pain you were in and how you felt as though you just could not move forward from Nate and I hated that for you and wanted to just make him disappear.

    I am so so glad that you are beginning to see just how special you are and how special you deserve to be treated…not just by a man but even by yourself. It inspires me. I am finding myself pouring over Rori’s blog, her newsletters and her ebook along with my journal and I am finding that when Charles is away and I can focus totally on all of this work I really do begin to feel so much better….peaceful even but when it gets close to him coming home the anxiety, fear, self doubt and lots of other dark emotions come flooding back into my heart. I have been trying to focus on doing the tools even when he is home and we are together and that has been good for me. I suppose he must see some difference because his behavior has changed so much so again…I guess that is a good thing.

    You had mentioned boundaries….I think that that right there is part of my problem…I don’t think that I ever really had defined boundaries…i still don’t but am working on that too. I am so glad that you did not marry Nate as he does not deserve you.

    It is hard though too in that I do feel such pressure regarding time. I have no idea what is going to happen with Charles and I…if we will get married or not or even if….once I move even more into Rori’s steps…will I even want to marry him? Did I just say that??!! Who knows but I just turned 40 in August and feel no closer to getting married and having a child than I was 5 years ago and that scares me to death. That is what I have truly wanted my entire life even above my music career was to be a mom and be married to my best friend. Perhaps I am getting ahead of myself here?.

    Thank you again for your sweet words of encouragement and you too must keep on moving forward…you are doing so great and seeing you and the other wonderful ladies here get to that place says that I can get there too! I am truly happy for your break through and can’t wait to see how wonderfully things will turn out in your journey. You deserve nothing short of wonderful!! 🙂

    With love and hugs…

  16.  #16Clara on November 12, 2008 at 5:45 am


    Yes you can do it, never doubt yourself, I turned 42 in August myself, and just 10 days ago I was crying and feeling self-pity and totally crushed because of my ex…
    It does not take will my dear lady, what i discovered truly through Rori’s eBook and tools is that IT TAKES LOVE, yes we need to LOVE ourselves with all teh doubt, the fear the yucky things that we hide, the “wrongs” we think we are doing while we aren’t WE are the one WRONGED, and this WE SHOULD PUT an end to.
    You deserve to make your dream come true, have a child a home and a family, you are doing great job, never doubt that it is only because you are doing so in Baby-steps ( like Rori always advises us ) and that is the right way.
    You know The changes I had are still nothing compared to the long road I need to pass through, but it is a start, and I am praying for all of us here to persevere, be resilient and mostly to LOVE our Inner Stranger and listen to her.
    Your boundaries will get more defined while working on the tools, it won’t happen in a 24 hours, I myself still working on them, and they are getting clearer and clearer with time, it is a process of trusting our ability to change and to LOVE.
    You know maybe your relapses into fear and self-doubt when Charles is with you, is precisely because of the shifts and changes you are feeling but still on teh subconscious level, and we all know that basically we are afraid of change of losing our comfort zone, or our routine, you are afraid because it seems maybe for you now CLEARER that Charles might not be the MAN you want to marry ???? I felt that too and still feeling it concerning Nate ( when I think of him ) ( I am just saying how I feel it, maybe Rori would shed some light on the issue for you ? )
    I am praying constantly for all of us, and I beg you not to give up, and keep on hoping and working towards your dream, you inspire us and you know I wish I have half of your courage, leaving everything behind to be with a man, that is A BIG SIGN of COURAGE, do not ever under-estimate what you did, and never take it as a step backward, maybe it was meant to be for you as another path to know yourself to Love yourself and to precisely make your dream come true, even if without Charles but surely with a man who deserves a beautiful lady such as yourself !
    Never under-estimate what you have done, what you will do, you are a courageous woman, and I hope soon, you will find the happiness and peace of mind in teh embrace of Love !
    With Love and hugs
    God Bless you

  17.  #17Lin on November 12, 2008 at 6:29 am

    You are wonderful blessing to all of us.
    thank you for all the encourment you give to all of us.. you always bring tears to my eyes,
    I feel its due to your speaking from your heart.
    Thank you
    hugs and love to you
    and keep praying as I will also that we all get through this..time in our lives.

  18.  #18Cassandra on November 12, 2008 at 7:07 am

    Clara you have the most beautiful and sweet spirit! Thank you for your beautiful email. Your words are so touching and just like Lin, each time I read one of your posts it brings tears to my eyes. Thank you. I am so happy for you that you are in such a different place now than you were even ten days ago…that is a huge accomplishment and definitely something to celebrate! You and all of the women here are such a huge inspiration to me and I do know that if you guys can get there then so can I.

    You had referenced that perhaps my fear is in the possibility that Charles may not be the man that I want to marry. You hit on something really big here as I found out something last night that has turned my world upside down – see the post about “Embrace Your Change” as I posted the whole things there last night when I was so down and devastated to find out what I did about Charles. You are right – I no longer want to marry him – I just have to figure out how I am going to get as far away from him as I can. He has destroyed any hope of a future together right along with our friendship. Thank you also for pointing out my courage…I suppose you are right in that so thanks for pointing that out for me.

    Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and for allowing all of us here to get to experience your beautiful spirit….your beautiful heart. I am truly so happy for you and cannot wait to see how each day unfolds for you… will all be more wonderful than you can imagine.
    Love and a big hug to you……

  19.  #19Clara on November 12, 2008 at 9:42 am

    I Just read what Charles did, and honestly all I can tell you is do whatever it takes to put miles between you and this man, he is TOXIC, and I am so sorry to say this a liar!
    Cassandra, this is proof that your intuition was right, that working on yourself made you FEEL instinctively that you cannot trust this man, Your beautiful sensitive spirit and heart sensed that this man does not deserve your love, he is not trustworthy!
    Please I beg of you, let him go, leave him and move forward do not look back, please, I will be praying for you to find and job and to get the soonest possible the chance to just turn your back to “THIS WALL” and never look back or feel sad because of him and traumatized, for I think Cassandra that HE IS acting like YOUR WALL, he is trying to keep you under his spell, he is enslaving you like my ex did to me, Please please just leave him,
    he does not deserve you, you can do it, a courageous Lovely woman like you do not need this man’s unstable behavior, selfishness and petty morals!
    Cassandra my heart goes out to you, oh I want to hug you tight and dry your tears HE DOES NOT DESERVE THEM, please Cassandra, just do your best to leave this “house” it is not a home anymore, not with this man …
    I Hug you tight Cassandra and always remember there are people who care for you and praying like Lin said is doing too, please keep on following Rori’s tools and advices …YOU WILL make it out of there…you know a Beautiful Rose in a vase quickly DIES, while a flower strongly enrooted into the ground blooms and opens to the sunrays…
    This HOUSE is not home it is like the Vase, You are a Rose that needs be enrooted in herself a Solid Ground which nourrishes and embraces beauty and Love and give them back to a deserving man who will surely come in your life and appreciate all of your treasures.
    PLEASE leave this man, I am praying for you.
    With Love and Hugs
    God Bless you

  20.  #20Clara on November 12, 2008 at 9:47 am

    Thank you for being always listening and sharing and praying.
    I thank God everyday for finding this Blog, and all of you ladies so beautiful, so sensitive and authentic,
    it is like finding a treasure,
    beeing able to be accepted and loved for who we are really,
    It is a Blessing to you all, and I will keep on praying for all of us,
    thank you Lin for your sharing and encouragement, knowing you all is the best gift God sent me this year 🙂
    With Love and hugs
    God bless you

  21.  #21Cassandra on November 12, 2008 at 10:41 am

    Again thank you for your beautiful post. I have tears streaming down my face right now and so many things are going through my head. I walked myself through the steps (problem, flip, what do I want/ not want, channeling…) both last night and again this morning and what I found to be my pattern in this was most certainly unbelievable hurt but also rage. Alot of my riffing this morning was indeed about my wall and I never thought of it in the way that you put it – that perhaps Charles has been that wall. This is so interesting in that for the last week and a half I have been having this extremely frightening recurring dream and I did not realize until I was doing the steps this morning that it is connected – I still don’t know how but it is. In the dreamIhave been with Charles and we have been with someof my other very close friends and their husbands and wherever we go we are surrounded by these huge walls of fire….it is very close to us but we don’t appear to be afraid we are simply moving in a relaxed manner – sometimes laughing a joking even – to get to a place where there is no fire. I am the only one in the bunch that is terrified but literally everywhere we turn there is fire. Dreams tend to jump around but in one part of the dream we are standing on a sidewalk in some big city and all of the high rises that are around us are burning. I have no idea what all of this means but I know that it must be connected somehow to all of this – I just have to find out how.

    As far as Charles goes – I think that you are right on that he is definitely trying to ‘keep me’ here by throwing me crumbs for a week or 2 here and there and then the REAL him appears again. I am definitely leaving but I can’t go anywhere until I have a job and enough money saved to get my own place BUT I am actively looking for jobs every single day (but so is the rest of the US – LOL). As soon as I can I am moving out and I will not be telling Charles when or where I am going. I want him to come home one day and me and all of my things are just gone.

    Clara your analogy of the Rose touched me so deeply..thank you for that. You are a gift to me Clara and I do wish that I could give you a hug too. I wanted to badly to pick up your Stranger and just hold her as she cried so I know how you feel. I feel such a connection with you and perhaps we are on a similar journey? I am honoured to be in this journey with you. As Lin says too….you are truly such a blessing to all of us and you have no idea how much your encouragement means to me. You are right – Charles does not deserve me and never has.

    I started from scratch before and I will do it again although it will be very hard. I would like to leave this city though as it is pretty small and I will not be able to handle running into him….. especially seeing him with another woman. I cannot promise that I won’t look back but hopefully if I do – it won’t be for long. I truly hate that I ever even loved this man.

    Thanks again Clara.

    with love and hugs…

  22.  #22Lin on November 12, 2008 at 12:46 pm

    I cannot find the post on what Charles did to
    upset you… how do I find it?

  23.  #23Cassandra on November 12, 2008 at 12:53 pm

    HI Lin… is on the Embrace your change site. Basically he has signed up for a website that is for people who are married, engaged or in a commited relationship but want to have an affair. He signed up forthe site last night sometime all the while telling me that he loves me, still wants us to get married…someday and that he wants things to work out with us. The details are there though. I only hope that my situation and journey can help someone else.

    You are also a huge blessing Lin – I hope you know that.

    With love and hugs….

  24.  #24Rori Raye on November 12, 2008 at 5:48 pm

    Wow, I love you guys. Thank you so much for supporting Cassandra with such incredible words, love and advice. Love, Rori

  25.  #25Cassandra on November 12, 2008 at 6:33 pm

    I could not agree more Rori… guys really are awesome! I love you all too!


  26.  #26Clara on November 13, 2008 at 3:07 am

    Cassandra, Rori,
    Thank YOU for being, for feeling for, all the support that you are providing.

    I think Cassandra that your dream is a symbolic image of your situation but mostly fear and confusion.
    I am not a dream interpreter 🙂 but through my studies I came to understand how to find the most important clues, so hopefully my explanation would help you, especially that it is a recurrent dream, which means on the subconscious level an urgent message that your inner self is trying to pass to your conscious part.
    Let’s take it from the start :
    1-you are with your best friends and their HUSBANDS = you are the only one not with your husband, you are not married
    2- They seems joyful and not at all concerned with fires = maybe because they are married ? = you are the only afraid because you are not?
    3- Charles seems oblivious of the fire = He does not care = He does not care what he is DOING to YOU
    4- You see walls of fire even in a big city = You maybe subconsciously afraid of leaving of starting afresh in a new environment not because you lack courage not at all, but precisely because you want to fulfill your dream of getting married and having a family, hence you see your fears in walls of fire stopping you from taking teh next step?
    5- Synthesis : you want to get married before growing older, you are worried that no man would want to be with you, Charles is keeping you from spreading your wings, you want to get out of this situation symbolized by the walls of fire …
    This is how I psychologically interpret my dreams so hopefully I was able to help even a bit in shedding light on your dream images to help 🙂
    Praying for all of us.
    With love and warm hugs,
    God bless you

  27.  #27Clara on November 20, 2008 at 11:48 am

    Hello Everyone, Rori,

    I am persevering on using teh tools in teh e-Book and the Toxic Men, I loved teh ideas and advices that David Wygant Gave especially about how to recognize Toxic Men in their 40s!! Wish I had your DVDs years ago 🙂
    I am still fighting this “urge” ( or addiction) – I decided that it might be a good idea to change my ex status from addiction to urge- which makes less insistant and less dangerous and time consuming than addiction- what do you think Rori? is it a good idea?
    So I am still fighting the old habit of thinking of him also the other new habit of checking my junk mail just to make sure he is still sending emails without opening them but deleting them….
    I am trying hard not to, I sometimes do it, but often i fail in resisting….I just feel like I am in the POWER position you know, like the table has been turned and he is the weak one !! Kind of SATISFYING feeling of revenge of glaoting of … and honestly I like this feeling and do not hate it…the feeling of being powerful in control and coming first and ….I hope I am not going from one extreme to another …:)
    I am also working on my self-esteem riffing and turning my anxieties…I will post some in teh self esteem section…sometimes what I write seems totally uncomprehensible to me at first and why they are popping like this, but following your advice I am letting everything out to after sort through them….
    I thank you so very much…as for my relation with my beloved husband 🙂 well YOU CAN SEND my story in all of the email letters if you wishj 🙂
    MY dear husband will take a DAY OFF tomorrow from work to spend this Friday with me at home and in teh evening he invited me to dinner in a very EXPENSIVE restaurant to celebrate our marriage anniversary 🙂

    God bless you.

    PS Any news from Cassandra It’s been a while since I last heard from her …is she posting in another section that I missed…please fill in my blanks and Lin too ..

    I Love you Guys…
    God bless you all

  28.  #28Cassandra on November 21, 2008 at 12:45 pm

    Clara….Thank you so much for checking on me! You are such a sweetheart! I am so so happy that you are doing better and focusing on YOU and working Rori’s tools. I am so excited for you too that your husband took the day off to spend with you and celebrate your anniversary with you! Happy Anniversary! Have a wonderful time and know that I am thinking of you!

    I am hanging in there….these last few days have been more tough in that my Grandfather died last night and I have have had absolutely no support from Charles at all….not that I expected it but when I cry he gets upset with me so I am trying to feel what I feel away from him. Some things have been really changing in me with regard to the way that I see him and I suppose that is a good thing but right now my focus has been on my Grandfather and my family. I will fill you in on more as soon as I can.

    Thanks again for checking on me Clara…that means alot! I send you a huge hug and hope you are enjoying every moment of your day withyour husband!

    Love and a huge hug to all….

  29.  #29Clara on November 24, 2008 at 8:59 am

    I am so sorry for the bad news about your grandfather passing away, may his soul rest in peace, and may our Lord give you all the patience and consolation you need in these hard times, my sincere condolences dear.

    Please take care of yourself dear, and do not rely on Charles for moral support, you are able to cope and you can do it all by yourself, a courageous woman like you, just pray a little when you feel down, and rather than remembering your grandfather in sadness, just remember him during the beautiful moments you shared together, it will help a lot! That is how I remember dad who passed away as well, and I feel he is always there for me and praying for me …
    You know they watch over us and pray for us.
    I am praying for you and all teh ladies here, and asking God to help us all…

    Yes I am applying Rori’s tools on my relationship with Rick my husband and he told me I have changed to the better, he cannot accurately say how, but he feels more close to me and happier 🙂 and that is great, as for my ex, well he is more insistent than ever, today he sent me an email ( though in my junk mail) but in the “Subject” he titled his email …She did it again meaning committing another attempted suicide…
    I couldn’t resist answering him, but to my utter astonishment I was DETACHED COLD and really not caring, as fed up with him and her, in these last 4 days I am feeling deep changes concerning Nate, very deep …he is losing his grab on me like never before…

    I am so Grateful for Rori, I am mean it is awesome that with such a short period of time I am making progress I have never thought of during the 16 years of nightmare I have been through…
    I have never thought that I would think of him as another man ( Toxic to a certain extent) whom I can take or leave as easily as I am doing now…. but there’s still alot of work to do…and I am ready for it, and you are an inspiration to me, and all the ladies here, for your situation is very hard, harder than mine, and you inspire me to continue and never to give up!
    So I hope I could try to help you and others, by being here, listening and sharing.
    Thank you Cassandra for your wishes, and true empathy,
    May God help and protect you,
    Huge Hugs and love

  30.  #30Clara on November 25, 2008 at 8:28 am

    Dear GOD ,

    The Lady reading this is Beautiful, Classy, Strong and I LOVE HER. Help her live her life to the Fullest. Please Promote her and cause her to Excel above expectations. Help her to Shine in darkest places and Love where it is impossible to LOVE.


    Send to all the Ladies you Love. I Just DID.

  31.  #31Cassandra on November 25, 2008 at 8:50 am

    Clara…I send that beautiful prayer right back to you as well. You are a blessing and thank you for allowing GOD to use you in the wonderful way that HE does. I love you.

  32.  #32Lin on November 25, 2008 at 11:12 am

    So beautiful ! all of you !!
    This beautiful prayer to God.
    Thanks Clara

    I have been confused lately… just standing back wondering.. why .?.. so much pain.. we
    are feeling and working on ,,, a better future.
    so difficult to keep doing all the right things we are taught… leaning back…. its hard cause
    I enjoy doing…. making dinner.. creating nice
    things… looking for cures for my guys painful
    feet.. etc…. I stopped it all for a long time.
    and it did work… for my good.. and I did learn so much through it… and I will only give once he has given of himself… and I will always give a little less than he…. gives… so I understand
    that… and I do understand that’s where my anger comes from.. when I have given so much more… and then he gives less and less.
    makes so much sense now… thank you for all the tools and understanding…
    I do want to say… this is the only man in my life I wanted to give that much to… so I did not do that in the past… I thought I was doing this now… cause I loved him that much… and i was acting as my mom acted with my dad. Also he enjoyed it so much… and praised me for it..
    and it just made me feel like doing it more.
    So now he has to work for it… all of it… and its going slower.. but its still going…. I have done
    a power speech right from my heart…. about
    what I want in my life… the relationship in my life that I want…. and if he does not want the same… its OK… its perfectly OK,.. although I will feel lost with out him.. and its hard to think of the future with out him.. I will cause
    I cant allow this up and down emotional ride in my life.. I want normal…. calm… and real love with a man that can give this and feel the same way… I need to be able to believe my man and when he says… we are going on vacation .. we go… J says… that can be arranged..( I thought here we go again)
    anyway…. J has done a lot more me.. and he is now helping with home work for my g-son I am raising… so I can see.. the more he does for me the more he is investing in a relationship with me… I have noticed also.. the more I do for him.. the more I feel I love him… and he is feeling the same way…
    I do want to ask… I feel more love for him with
    the more I do for him… is that natural.?.
    while , when he is doing things for me… he is feeling more love for me…? I don’t really feel love for him when he is painting my house ,
    and fixing things.. I do when he is giving me a back rub… or help my g-son with his homework.
    I love it that he is painting my house.. and doing things like that for me.. and paying for it also.. this is new and nice.. and I have to say.
    yes.. I deserve that…from him.. completely.
    so yes.. I do think .. reconnect was good .. and its definitely got me into his heart… wow! who knew !! men will love you more .. the more they do for you.. and the little you do for them the better !!
    I also want to share… no one is perfect, not us
    and not them.. so we have to forgive also..
    and some times.. its big things we forgive.
    in the name of Love…. its hard to find…. and once we find it.. its should be not easy to give away.. ! I love this site and all the wonderful women full of love and heart who are on this site… Happy Thanksgiving to all.
    Thank You,

  33.  #33Clara on November 25, 2008 at 11:58 am

    Cassandra, Lin, all of you Ladies

    Happy Thanksgiving to all,
    and thank You all for the support, the inspiration, the beautiful Love that is shining through your words.
    May God Help you and assist you every step of the way!

    Lin what you wrote is so touching, it is a power speech that went directly to my heart, and I have those same questions that you are asking…

    Why Is it when i am worried about my husband health ( and ask him to take a jacket on let’s say on a cold day) he acts like a kid and start whining and he feels annoyed and when I just ignore the whole issue he takes his jacket all by himself ?

    Why is it when I remind him of a Dr. appointment ( because he usually forgets ) I get the same treatment, but whenn I don’t he comes and half heartedly admit to me and say “oh I forgot again” !!!

    Why is it when you Love someone this much you feel like you want to grab the stars and offer it to him, but he just ignores what’s in your hands and turn away?

    So many times I feel like crying because it is so frustrating not to be able to go to him, hug him and whisper “I LOVE YOU, so very much” it is as I understood leaning forward…and I do not want this…

    Oh the power speech and feeling messages are my hardest task …I feel …It felt …I am trying to use these words but I am still failing to make the words come automatically to me, I used to say I want ..why not do this or that…yes I know Rori is right, we women are bossy and sometimes more maternal with our men, but isn’t out of Love …out of “doing teh job that should be done” we are practical and organized maybe that is why we do not have much patient, we want our things/projects/issues planned, executed and wrapped up, and ASAP… maybe it is by nature also not only by nurture, because we need to do so to raise kids and be always ready and free to take care of them??? And maybe that is why not taking care of ourselves make our men take us of granted …that we will do the right thing and they give up on doing anything for us ?
    And hence we feel abondonned less loved and the vicious circle of self-doubt, wrecked self-esteem and all the yucky feelings start pouring in on us…mixed with our old “Life theme” and all the bitter vinegar we sipped trying to convince ourselves it is just how wine taste ???

    I dunno, I am trying to still figuring this out, I feel a relapse somehow, today I was riffing…I feel angry and I love my anger, I feel hatred towards Nate and I love being able to feel even hate, I feel I have lost so many years but I love the fact that I have more to come, I feel I was abused and used and I hate being used and abused but I love that I know now from where my anger stems …. I want to take a vacation myself…alone, on a faraway sunny island, I love the feeling of the sun on my skin..warm and tender and caressing… I do not want to think of anyone not even my husband…I love taking care of myself …sipping a glass of REAL wine this time, listening to music, reading a good book, smiling and feeling relaxed and happy on my own, needing no one to Love me…Loving me feels so good…and I love loving me…Oh Rori you are so right about Loving oneself…
    I have so many things I need to startloving and appreciating….

    Girls I love you all, Love yourselves, take care of yourselves, then only Love will come searching for you…
    It is Like we are the sun, it can exist without the planets, always shining and beautiful, but not vice versa all the beautiful and lush greenery on earth cannot grow cannot flourish, photosynthesis cannot happen without this Sun, and this how we should be a Sun to make our men flourish and grow fruits to give us the
    FRUIT ….LOVE !!

    Love You all
    God bless you

  34.  #34Lin on November 25, 2008 at 12:33 pm

    Clara, Thank You !
    I want to answer right away,
    Why cant you go to your husband and throw your arms around him and say how much you love him… this is a true authentic statement coming straight from your heart…! This is good.
    as I understand it… and how lucky you are to feel this wonderful wonderful feeling !! and gift of loving this man.. your husband..
    I am understand we can give.. to our men as long as they are giving back to us.. as much
    or even better giving us more..than we give them… Would he not love receiving this emotion from you..? this beautiful gift.. of honest emotion..! Its real.. its straight from the heart.. its a good thing.. I think..
    We need to nourish the love also.. we cant just be takers.. we have to give a lot.. just less then they give to us.. ! And those power speeches… I don’t plan them.. they just come out though great passion.. inside of me.. and its scary cause its being very vulnerable.. and its scary cause .. he could say.. OK.. its something he cant provide … and I am ready for that type of honesty from him.. .. if that’s the case.. and that’s what is scary…. I always
    loved the power speech from Carrie from sex and the city.. with the french guy .. when she decided to leave him.. cause he kept disappointing her…. she never made him wrong.
    she only said what she needed and wanted.
    She was honest.. and emotional.. and beautiful.
    and she was standing up for her self.. loving herself.. and her desires in life… !! You can do that.. You can.. just reach way down inside. and feel your emotions.. and love yourself so much.. and do not be ashamed.. of your feelings… they are you… !! And loving someone is beautiful.. and so is being honest.
    I never plan it.. however.. afterwards,,, I love myself more.. and he loves me more also..
    funny how that happens…
    also.. I think when we heal its not a straight line going up.. its up and down.. its good days and bad…its easy days and hard.. but in the end .. we are on a better road… you never fail.
    you pick your self up. and keep on going..
    love you, we are all connected

  35.  #35Cassandra on November 25, 2008 at 4:42 pm

    I loved your posts Clara and Lin…you guys are TERRIFIC! I am so happy that you both are in such a wonderful…peacefuladn beautiful place! I can’t wait to get there…still working it. 🙂 I have some questions though…where do I find those awesome Power Speeches that everyone talks about? Also I am about to be in a postion where I can FINALLY order one of Rori’s programs….do I start with Reconnect….Toxic men or Modern Siren? I think she told me once but I can’t find it or perhaps I missed it and just don’t remember. I am so excited to get my first program. I do have her ebook and love it!
    I am SO EXCITED for both of you! I wish that all of us girls could just pack up and all go on an awesome vacation together! Wouldn’t that be totally great?! The fun we would have! 🙂

    I am kind of struggling with Thanksgiving coming so soon as this is going to be a very hard holiday season for me being in this situation and knowing that while I do still love Charles I CANNOT AFFORD to invest anymore of myself… heart….my soul or my love into this relationship or this house and that hurts. With you guys and this place …I will make it though. I actually went shopping for ME today and thatis the first time since last week that I left the house except for when he was home over the weekend. I had a wonderful time by MYSELF! YAY for me!!! 🙂 Baby steps…baby steps……

    I love you guys and have a blessed Thanksgiving. XOXO