Red Flags And “The Bachelor” – Comments, Please….

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rosestemThis year – I’m giving the discussion of “The Bachelor” to “Liquid Light” from the blog community.  Liquid Light – the floor is yours (here’s your first comment):

“Thoughts on the Bachelor and red flags.

The two finalist this season, Claire and Nikki, were both shown red flags by the bachelor Juan Pablo during the show. And they both chose to ignore them. (For those of you who haven’t sent the show, this season’s bachelor is reviled for being selfish and insensitive, careless etc.).

Claire seemed to be shocked and devastated when JP rejected her and chose Nikki. However, she was shown plenty of red flags along the way (most egregious to me was him shaming her after their interlude in the ocean, and him insulting her off camera on their last date).

And yet, she ignored these things and was devastated when he didn’t pick her.

She woke up though and gave him a piece of her mind, which I think everyone enjoyed watching. Hahaha! Then Nikki, though she was the chosen one, now has a very non-committal man who seems like he is stringing her along and is making no promises to her.

So interesting how we as women so often ignore the red flags in front of us and proceed forward anyway.

I know I did this with my ex again and again.

I see it now, but at the time, I just didn’t want to see the red flags and so I stuck my head in the sand and pretended they weren’t there.

It seems so obvious now looking back though. Sigh.

I really don’t want to do that again, and this time around I’m determined to see any red flags clearly and move on sooner rather than later.

I know its not easy sometimes but I’m determined that this won’t happen to me again. I just can’t and won’t go through that again. It was absolutely awful. Liquid Light”

***From Rori:

Thank you, Liquid Light – and I look forward to reading any more “aha moment” comments from all of you that can give us a “take-away” from this show.

Love, Rori

Posted in

167 Comments

  1.  #1Syreena on March 20, 2014 at 6:45 am

    Is it online? Would like to watch.



  2.  #2Syreena on March 20, 2014 at 7:37 am

    It feels yuck and humiliating to imagine being in that position where I was waiting to be picked.
    I feel sad for all the girls in that way.
    The good news is the ones he didn’t pick dodged a bullet.

    And I feel sad for his little girl having him as Dad.

    I agree with the runner up I wouldn’t want him for the father of my child either.



  3.  #3Cupcake on March 20, 2014 at 7:57 am

    My problem is not ignoring red flags.

    It’s making up red flags that aren’t really there. Like Seinfeld- hands too big, etc.

    Once in NYC I went on a date and met up with a friend afterwards at a bar. I was seated at the bar, describing the date, all the ways I had disqualified the guy, and I looked up and Jerry Seinfeld was standing behind me trying to get the bartender’s attention. He was listening to my story with a big smile on his face. (This was after the show was canceled, though.)

    I felt like the Universe was trying to tell me to stop making up reasons to disqualify people.

    That said, I completely forgot about that until just now!



  4.  #4Olivia on March 20, 2014 at 8:27 am

    Hah- cupcake what a story! I have this problem too….good vibes to us for sorting it out.



  5.  #5Daria on March 20, 2014 at 9:49 am

    I’m feeling smily… Ma baby didn’t come in time last nite… But I got texts and calls that he was outside waiting 🙂

    And I’m feeling good answering my POF



  6.  #6Daria on March 20, 2014 at 9:50 am

    It also helps that my physical Health is on point right now….. Yay walking and dancing and energy movement



  7.  #7Iris on March 20, 2014 at 10:53 am

    How I felt from reading Liquid Light’s words is that oftentimes we women feel pressured to not make mistakes, and that we always must be aware of these red flags. And with what Cupcake said, sometimes we think there are red flags, but they aren’t necessarily. So in other words, it’s difficult sometimes to judge what those red flags are. Also, sometimes we feel an imbalance in ourselves, and then we project that onto our partner and identify those feelings as a red flag.

    It’s like what Rori says, focus on how you feel when you’re with and when you’re not with your partner; and focus on if their energy is coming towards you.



  8.  #8Indigo on March 20, 2014 at 11:08 am

    What I have learned about myself, is that what is a red flag alters so much from one person to the next. My own way of saying that, up to a point, there is a lid for every pot.

    I have no doubt that there are some guys, perhaps the more extraverted types, who would find my need for copious alone time to be a red flag. I on the other hand, do not find this to be a red flag when I meet a guy like this. I am very private too, and open up about the intimate details of myself very slowly and over a long period of time, and some guys have found me to be a little closed off – perhaps a red flag for them.

    I on the other hand find it to be a red flag when a guy spends a lot of time on his phone… whilst for other people this might not be, might even be perfectly normal, but for me, it wouldn’t work.



  9.  #9Liquid Light on March 20, 2014 at 11:42 am

    Oh my gosh, I feel honored and bit embarrassed that Rori posted this! [Blush!]

    Anyway, thanks Rori!

    PS: I wish I hadn’t made the spelling/grammar errors in my original post. [Blush again]



  10.  #10Iris on March 20, 2014 at 1:34 pm

    @ Indigo #8, I too need copious alone time, and some guys have felt that was a threat. It had been an issue with some guys I had dated. But the ones I keep are the ones that respect my space.

    I felt the need to share that, because I often feel guilty for needing so much alone time. In the past, I had been criticized and judged for it.



  11.  #11April Rose on March 20, 2014 at 2:07 pm

    I must have said fifteen times to WM how good it feels when I can be the responder and he the initiator.
    I was away for six days. He called me once (on the fourth day – and it was about work). There were a few texts each day (at my request).

    What do I do girls?
    Spell it out? In a letter?
    Dear …
    This is what would be a minimum amount of normal connection for me in a loving relationship…
    *
    *
    *

    I perceive he has a huge lack of confidence around personal relationships. He said he hasn’t had a role model. No man who showed him the ropes. He doesn’t seem to want to find out from me what makes me feel good.

    Just over a month ago he spent an evening with a male friend who is in a happy, vibrant marriage. The following day he booked a table for us for Valentine’s day. That felt lovely and surprising and I let him know. I gushed the whole date.

    I don’t know if he will develop his own confidence, or learn more from his friend.
    I do know how tired I feel from him not creating special moments for us (besides valentines day).

    When I was away from him I was so occupied I barely thought of him. Now that I am back with him … I can see he loves me …. but I don’t want to be someone who just occupies the same building …. I want a man to be confident with me…. and personal with me….
    I feel hollow when the conversation is impersonal.

    I want to be ACTIVELY treasured. Feels good to write that.



  12.  #12BeLoved on March 20, 2014 at 2:14 pm

    April Rose – spelling it out in a letter to *yourself* could be an illuminating exercise.

    Side note – I learned that at Ratu’s ashram, they don’t play music for the shaking anymore, everyone sings the Gayatri mantra the entire time. I did a retreat a few weeks ago this way and it was amazing. So much less monkey mind, deeper feelings of surrender.
    I kept thinking I would eventually start hating the mantra and my voice would give out, but it never did.
    Remember to email me and get my Skype info or we can do Google hangouts if you want to shake 🙂



  13.  #13BeLoved on March 20, 2014 at 2:15 pm

    luciddreamyogini @ gmail . com



  14.  #14April Rose on March 20, 2014 at 2:25 pm

    Thank you Beloved.
    I do want to.
    And I feel a little shy!
    And I feel embarrassed admitting that.
    And I would love to link up with you and shake.
    And I don’t know the mantra.
    I have a Ratu medallion, which I love.
    Have you got one?



  15.  #15April Rose on March 20, 2014 at 2:28 pm

    Yes, I had the same idea about the letter.

    And this thought: I want to be in a relationship with a man who creates special moments for us based on his understanding of who I am and what feels delightful to me.



  16.  #16April Rose on March 20, 2014 at 2:33 pm

    Not being willing to learn what makes me feel good –
    that is a red flag for me.

    If this was six weeks into dating and I knew then what I know now, I would say “NEXT!”

    Five years on, and I’m bonded. Or am I….????

    Come on April Rose, what is the most loving act YOU can do for YOU?



  17.  #17Liquid Light on March 20, 2014 at 3:02 pm

    Another man that I met last night messaged me and wants to get together. Very attractive and interesting and kinda wild (has tattoos, great dresser). Not that into tattoos and he may be too wild for me but he def seems fun and not boring. He’s a mixture of Italian and Iranian – his father is Jewish Iranian. Wow! What a combo! I can’t say that I’ve ever met anyone like that before.

    Someone else from online responded to my message “I love your cat!” with “my cat isn’t available to date but I am.” Hahahahha!!! I love a man with a good sense of humor! 🙂

    Getting excited again about dating! Woohooo!!!!



  18.  #18Indigo on March 20, 2014 at 3:37 pm

    I got really assertive with D this week – he was fighting with me, just getting snappy and withdrawn the way he does after a period of closeness, trying to get me to back off again.

    And in the past, I would always dance around this little tendency of his… trying to respect it, understand it, trying different ways of being soft and soldiering on, all the while feeling awful. This time, I’d had enough. And I gave him a real power speech which pulled no punches whatsoever, and left him in no uncertain terms about how he should treat me, yet was at the same time, I feel, gentle and inviting. It was a little scary – I harnessed a power which came from deep within me and I used strong, assertive language – and I didn’t know how it would be received, but it felt authentic.

    And the reaction from him has been amazing. He is still a bit subdued because he is obviously going through that downswing, but he is soft and apologetic, gentle and respectful, constantly saying how he understands how I feel and he is not trying to hurt my feelings. Just totally different. Nice.

    Yay for authentic sass. Yay for taking a stand about how we will be treated by others.



  19.  #19Liquid Light on March 20, 2014 at 5:53 pm

    Wow, Indigo, that is awesome! Congratulations on that shift, it sounds amazing!!!



  20.  #20LoveAlways on March 20, 2014 at 6:14 pm

    I feel like screaming



  21.  #21Syreena on March 20, 2014 at 7:30 pm

    Well, I repeated another mistake.
    Am now finding it difficult to rectify it.
    agreed to friendship request too soon.
    Grrr I knew in my gut was a mistake.
    I didn’t want to offend, so accepted even though didn’t really want to as didn’t know them well enough.
    And now red flag and don’t want them as a friend or anything else.
    I know this is not good.
    I feel it at my core.
    Joy, how to get out of this unwanted pursuit.
    Want to riff.
    Feel sick in my core.
    feel uncomfortable want to pull away.
    He called some women whores just because they wore a lot of make up and sexyish clothes.
    I felt chilled and creeped out.
    And is actively trying to tell me what he thinks I want to hear on other issues.
    This doesn”t feel good at all.



  22.  #22Indigo on March 21, 2014 at 12:01 am

    Thank you Liquid Light!

    I rarely get like that, it’s not my preference to be assertive and “no nonsense” so when I do it can feel scary…

    But it’s great when it shakes things up and gets a good result 🙂

    x



  23.  #23Indigo on March 21, 2014 at 12:03 am

    Iris 10,

    I know exactly what you mean.



  24.  #24Indigo on March 21, 2014 at 12:12 am

    April Rose,

    What are the times you enjoy with him the most?

    Do you have certain rituals or regular activities or moments together that you particularly like?

    x



  25.  #25Takeeka on March 21, 2014 at 5:14 am

    LoveAlways-20,
    Whats wrong???!!!!!



  26.  #26Tereana on March 21, 2014 at 5:21 am

    Cupcake, #3 lol!

    Yes, I, too, make up red flags…

    Iris, I like what you wrote in #7, too!



  27.  #27T. Bradley on March 21, 2014 at 5:28 am

    Rori,
    Will my entire name appear after my post in doneawaiting moderation? Didn’t mean to type my full name!!!



  28.  #28Violette on March 21, 2014 at 7:56 am

    This post…is close to home. I spoke to a friend about the awful experience with J and she said to me, yeah, it’s sad that it happened, but what’s really sad is that you are attracted to a guy who is mean to you!

    She’s right, he made all these little jabs at me, and then spent a bunch of money and there were little romantic moments too…but who cares?! He’s not allowed to be mean to me! I’d be devastated to see a friend sign on for that.

    So yeah, I feel embarrassed. That I do that. That I’m 35 and still falling for these obvious players like a teenager. That I’m a late bloomer. I just am.

    And I want to get married by a man who sees me as the only woman in the world, and who is really neat to me. I want to get on with living the life I want. I want my interactions to be kind, loving, respectful, almost challengingly so. I want grown up relationship. I want to grow up.

    I hated okcupid so much. Like 3 guys on there were really hateful to me for no reason. But I may try match.com or something. Although I’d much prefer to meet men out on the town, or through organic ways, so I can feel more of a sense of…authentic connection to the experience. Communicating online is so boring for me, really. What a way to begin a romance.

    I’m sitting with it for a bit before I take any action. Getting over a flu and taking me time.



  29.  #29Violette on March 21, 2014 at 7:59 am

    And truth be told a big part of what drew me to J was his money and power. I am sooooo into that stuff. It’s been a trap for me before too. Even in my own life, I can make myself miserable wanting it for myself. It’s a tough thing to admit. I feel so ashamed of where I’m at in my life career wise, and financially, and I’m nowhere near done trying, but it would be nice if I could find a kind of peace in the process.



  30.  #30Indigo on March 21, 2014 at 8:32 am

    Violette 26,

    “She’s right, he made all these little jabs at me, and then spent a bunch of money and there were little romantic moments too…but who cares?! He’s not allowed to be mean to me! I’d be devastated to see a friend sign on for that.”

    What do you think the message for you is in that?

    For me, it was to own my power.

    I have dealt with many harsh and mean people in my life, and each of them had a lesson for me which made me blossom even further into the woman I am today.



  31.  #31Andrea on March 21, 2014 at 8:57 am

    And Violette… I know what you mean about meeting men out on the town and face to face instead of internet. But it does take some gumption.

    I decided that I was going to stop being so careful about trying to maintain an image when I go out. I decided that I want to meet men and I want to get asked out on dates and since that’s what I WANT…. that’s what is RIGHT!!

    So, I created these cards. Really feminine cards through VistaPrint. They just have my name, number, and email listed. And I pass them out just like business cards…. to men and women… who I think I’d like to communicate with in the future. I leave it up to them to call me.

    I don’t just hand them out willy nilly… but, when I’m having a good conversation with someone I keep it brief but I say, “I feel great about this conversation and would love to pursue it further. Why don’t you call me sometime?” Then I give them my card and I let go of the outcome.

    Out for lunch the other day with some girlfriends of mine, a man jumped into our conversation because he knew a phone number that we were trying to find. It was very nice of him and he wasn’t being flirty at all, just helpful.

    I said, “Wow.” to him and to my girlfriends.. “Doesn’t it feel so lovely to get help just like that when we need it? Thank you so much.” I gushed to him.

    He said, “You are lovely.”

    Then I took out my card and I said, “You know I would feel so wonderful if you would give me a call some time and just remind me of how lovely I am.”

    He took my card and said he’d oblige.

    That night he texted me: “Dear Lovely, I was so charmed by you this afternoon. Here is your reminder. You are lovely.”

    And that’s all it’s been since then, but now I have an “in” and I can use feeling messages to respond. And maybe there’s a new friend, date, or … who knows??

    But it makes me feel excited to go out when I know I have my cards. I feel very done with internet sites… except facebook, I don’t want to meet men that way anymore.

    I use the smile method, and the giving my phone cards method, (very brief contact) and then I leave it up to the man to follow through if he wants to.



  32.  #32Mandy on March 21, 2014 at 9:05 am

    Happy comment time for me!!! 😉

    I had Red Flag moments the first time I circular dated and found my current man. These men I met before him….seemed to like me too much too fast and it surprisingly enough made me feel cornered and anxious…like they wanted something I wasn’t prepared to give, or they wanted me as a trophy, or to own me…that kind of weird, closed-in on feeling.

    Then when I met J I just sighed in relief….I didn’t get the feeling he wanted to own me, and he was in the moment and being himself and I immediately felt comfy. Then he decided he didn’t want any other women coming around to make me go away. 🙂
    This was because I continued to show no agenda, but also continued to spend time with him, let go and have fun!

    For this, I have a guy who makes me laugh, gives me yummy kisses, apologizes and owns up to his mistakes, makes an effort even if he’s sad, cooks for me, lovingly snuggles the stuffing out of me at night, holds my hand, opens doors for me and loves my company! We just went to his mom’s family reunion and his grandma and aunt love me. They say they are proud to have J be so well-matched.

    Just also wanted to mention he’s taking a stand for himself. We’ve been waiting for two year for him to get insurance here in AZ, and it finally CAME THROUGH….He went to the doctor all by himself and got bloodwork done, and is getting his stomach issues worked on, a therapist, and anti-depressant prescriptions!

    I FEEL SO HAPPY AND EXCITED…about the possibilities of positive change!

    I feel like I hung in there with him and he’s a great guy who just needs some health help and support!

    Thank you ladies for hanging in there with me through it all…and Rori for taking time out of her busy schedule to send me a supportive comment when possible!

    LOVE! 🙂



  33.  #33Liquid Light on March 21, 2014 at 9:10 am

    I’ve got two dates lined up, both from speed dating the other night. And to think, I almost didn’t go! They are both attractive, smart and interesting men! Hoorah!!!



  34.  #34Liquid Light on March 21, 2014 at 9:17 am

    Andrea, I love the cards – that’s such a great idea!

    Violette, there’s nothing wrong with wanting a man who is successful. That’s what I want too. Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed about that at all. Embrace it, own it, feel it, want it – that’s my attitude. Of course you want someone who is successful AND treats you well. And I def don’t believe that all wealthy men are jerks. I’ve certainly met a bunch of poor jerks too! They come in all flavors! Hahahaha!!!

    Mandy, that is awesome and so inspiring to hear about your success! Hoorah!!!!



  35.  #35Violette on March 21, 2014 at 9:47 am

    That’s a good tip Andrea. Mostly I feel a need to reconnect to myself though. I want to present myself as the person I want to be…I know better than to put up with unkindness in my life, yet I’m acting like someone I don’t know. Like I don’t trust myself. And I do feel fragile with men because I don’t feel stable in myself. That’s unacceptable to me! I want to enjoy my life to the point I find people idiotic if they don’t want it…and I want nothing from them besides relationship stuff.



  36.  #36Liquid Light on March 21, 2014 at 9:48 am

    Violette, one more thing, I think the best thing about Match is the live “Stir” events. They are a fantastic way to meet people in the real world. You can meet a bunch of single men at one time that are all “age appropriate” or pretty close! 🙂



  37.  #37Violette on March 21, 2014 at 10:46 am

    Ok, noted Liquid Light…I still feel turned off by online right now but we’ll see, as I continue to get to know myself better.



  38.  #38Liquid Light on March 21, 2014 at 10:51 am

    Iris 7

    “So in other words, it’s difficult sometimes to judge what those red flags are. Also, sometimes we feel an imbalance in ourselves, and then we project that onto our partner and identify those feelings as a red flag.”

    Yes, it is difficult to judge the difference sometimes. I think for me I’m realizing its all about trust – trusting myself. If I trust my gut, my intuition, my feelings then I “know” when something feels off. Sometimes I can be too quick to judge or too quick to write someone off so its definitely a balancing act.

    I think the way I’m proceeding now is when something happens that seems strange or off-putting, I take notice of it and keep a watchful eye for similar behavior or other off putting behavior. I still keep an open mind and heart until I find out if its something to be concerned about or not. But I definitely don’t sweep it under the rug as I used to do all the time. Just trying to be smarter about dating so that I don’t waste a whole bunch more time again on someone who just wasn’t right for me.



  39.  #39Mandy on March 21, 2014 at 10:56 am

    Isn’t it possible to feel “weird” even when a guy’s energy is coming towards you and he is open and not doing anything wrong….just feeling maybe like you don’t deserve so much attention, and you go “ick”?

    Also happened to me before!



  40.  #40Liquid Light on March 21, 2014 at 11:17 am

    My date on Tues just invited me to a v swanky sweet bar! YES!!!!! Excited!!!!!!!!!!



  41.  #41Liquid Light on March 21, 2014 at 12:47 pm

    Yes, Mandy, that was part of the dynamic with my ex and it made me uncomfortable. But that wasn’t as big of a red flag as some of the other stuff he did which I won’t go into because I don’t want to dredge it all up again. But, I will say that one very interesting thing that I learned is that guys often communicate by telling stories. In my case, my ex would communicate weird stories to me about he and his ex wife. I remember thinking “gee, that’s odd” but beyond that it didn’t register. Now I know that he was trying to communicate his desires to me about the dynamic in OUR relationship. Doh! So, ladies, when guys tell you random stories, listen up, especially if they seem odd, because it just might be that he’s trying to communicate things about HIMSELF that are odd (bad).



  42.  #42Liquid Light on March 21, 2014 at 12:50 pm

    Correction: I meant to say “about he and his deceased wife” (not ex-wife)



  43.  #43prplpsn28 on March 21, 2014 at 1:20 pm

    🙂



  44.  #44Syreena on March 21, 2014 at 1:33 pm

    Re the Bachelor. One reason to go slow, all they saw was the surface outward stuff he wanted to show. Status and looks etc.
    Takes time to see the inner stuff and find out his character.
    Red flag inner character. Had to be taken to court to be made to pay thousands in child support for his little girl.



  45.  #45Liquid Light on March 21, 2014 at 2:16 pm

    Syreena, I didn’t know that….ughhh!



  46.  #46Liquid Light on March 21, 2014 at 2:31 pm

    Apparently this is what Jaun Pablo said to Clare off-camera on their last date:

    Apparently, Clare told her leading man at the time, “just tell me you love me,” and he responded with, “I loved f–king you but I don’t know you.”

    Yuck, what a creep!!!!!



  47.  #47Iris on March 21, 2014 at 2:35 pm

    @ Liquid Light, #36,

    That’s great! Sounds like the kind of work I do too to grow. Following my heart…it’s one of the hardest things for me to do.



  48.  #48Mandy on March 21, 2014 at 2:47 pm

    Liquid Light,

    I remember an ex of mine would tell me all the horny details about him and someone from his past and how they got it on…I used to feel so angry with him I’d want to blow a huge hole in the side of the planet! But he did hint to me one day, he said well, maybe I’m trying to tell you what I like…

    Interesting…



  49.  #49Tereana on March 21, 2014 at 2:57 pm

    Indigo – super cool! “Authentic sass” – I love it 🙂



  50.  #50Tereana on March 21, 2014 at 3:05 pm

    Lol. I am laughing at myself and I’m happy.

    How to make this a short story…well, I had an urge to see M. He wasn’t sure if he would get out of work on time. I said ok and took an early train home. My mom picked me up at the train. But I had a sudden powerful feeling that all of me just really wanted to be THERE with HIM, not here in this other place, with my family. It’s Friday. I want to spend the evening with someone I love, who loves me. I know it’s “going to” him. But he didn’t ask. It’s what I want to do.

    So I made my mom turn the car around. She took me back to the train and I’m going to see him. Lol

    But I feel so much better. I didn’t explain myself. I just asked for and stated, and I’m doing exactly what I want. That’s how I know it’s going to be ok 🙂

    And just this morning, or maybe yesterday, I was thinking about how out-of-sorts I feel when I have that little voice that speaks to me and I don’t listen. And/or I just go along with someone else, yes or no, depending on them and not me and what I really feel.

    Maybe I’m just not that good about being gentle with myself when I don’t listen to it and then think later “darn, why did(n’t) I do x?” But then I just feel so rockstar when I DO listen, because it means I move and act from a place of confidence – confidence that my inner compass totally knows the way, even if someone else thinks it’s nuts or weird or whatever. Because who cares? Once I trust myself, it will all be ok 🙂



  51.  #51Rori Raye on March 21, 2014 at 8:23 pm

    Takeeka – I’ve deleted your last name for your privacy…Love, Rori



  52.  #52Liquid Light on March 21, 2014 at 8:47 pm

    What a weird evening. I ended up going out to a local meet up mostly to meet a man there who seemed interesting from his profile – attractive and successful. When I got there, I spotted him and ended up sitting next to him. We immediately got into a conversation and as it went on, the more I got the feeling that he was kinda abrasive and critical. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt but then he interrupted me twice while I was ordering food from the waiter and ordered food for himself! I couldn’t believe it! Then he got up and walked away from the table. Just so rude and inconsiderate. I was left hanging out with a group of women who were nice but def had the vibe like poor us, here we are alone again on a friday night. Not a fun vibe so i left soon and just felt discouraged and sort of slimed by that guy. I get really affected by men like him and can start to feel really awful. I just don’t like being treated poorly like that at all. So I was kinda worked up and when my cc didn’t work at the gas station, I kinda lost patience with the attendant and then I felt even worse.

    By the time I got to the grocery store, after getting gas, my mood was still pretty dark. But when I walked in there was an attractive man who was checking me out. I got in another checkout line and got up my nerve to glance over at him and even managed a big smile when he was walking by. Then he came over and introduced himself and asked me out! Wow, these Rori Raye moves really work! I just kept smiling and giggling when he came over, from embarrassment and delight, and he seemed to love it. I really enjoyed his open, positive energy especially in comparison to the jerky obnoxious guy I met earlier. Wow, what a difference and how much more positive I’m feeling now. Thanks cute grocery guy, you made my day!!!



  53.  #53Millie on March 21, 2014 at 9:33 pm

    Go cute grocery guy! What a happy ending to the night Liquid Light!



  54.  #54Millie on March 21, 2014 at 9:37 pm

    Andrea you never cease to amaze me!



  55.  #55Millie on March 21, 2014 at 9:44 pm

    So I know I’m supposed to be using every interaction with a man as circular dating. I’m supposed to be using feeling messages and paying attention….but after an interaction I think, oh was I using the tools?? Did I even use any feeling messages? Was that good enough? Ahhh

    Ok…so I’m in a man drought, which I’m realizing might be a good thing. Sometimes when you’ve gone without something for awhile, like not eating chocolate…once you take a bite again, you don’t want some cheap old milk chocolate, you want Godiva. When you go without, your taste buds just feel so much more sensitive, you value that bite even more than you did before, savoring it. So I’m thinking this man drought is a good thing. So when new men do show up…I’ll see it all with fresh eyes, fresh taste buds. I’ll be able to taste the difference between cheap and real. Yeah…droughts are good.



  56.  #56LoveAlways on March 22, 2014 at 9:20 am

    Need to change my vibe. Still feeling like a volcano inside, but also feel soft and tired. Will spend sometime on me now.



  57.  #57LoveAlways on March 22, 2014 at 9:21 am

    Will catch up on posts later sirens.



  58.  #58Andrea on March 22, 2014 at 9:26 am

    Wow Mandy, your story with J… I feel humbled and inspired. I feel triggered about my own attitude because I’m one to give up very quickly with no looking back. I’m not much for patience.
    But what you described… being with his family, how they love you, how you have snuggles and a real relationship… A part of me feels… wanting. I want that some day. : )
    Perhaps it’s a sign of maturity when a woman can hang in there.

    Liquid LIght, I love the grocery store experience. That’s what’s so very fun about C-dating. I can just picture you being all blushy and shy and smiling. And I bet that man was absolutely charmed by you. I’m inspired by that as well. I feel so bubbly and girly now. I feel happy. Hooray!

    Also Liquid Light… OH!!!! What a great tip about men telling stories to try to communicate their desires. I have been clueless in that regard. Wow wow wow! It had not even occurred to me that listening at level III to the stories could give me an even deeper insight into what is going on with him. I feel refreshed and ready. I feel like I’ve just been to school and had a great lesson. This is going to open new doors for me. I can think of many times in which a man I was with started telling a story and I took it as a time to “check out”. How much I have missed…..



  59.  #59Andrea on March 22, 2014 at 9:41 am

    Here are two experiences I would like to share. Just because I feel amazed by what I’ve learned about men through RR. One of the biggest lessons I needed to let sink in was: Men want to make women happy.

    So… a man I used to date heard about my truck troubles and sent me money to help. He lives pretty far away from me. When I got the cashiers check in the mail I sent him this text:
    “I am standing in my lobby at the mailbox just sobbing. I feel so loved, so cherished, and so relieved. Thank you so much. Your gift came and I feel so happy.”

    Last night he replied: “My heart swells to feel like it will jump out of my chest when I know I have made you happy. I only wish I could do more. XO”

    Can you believe that?? He sent me this wonderful gift, and he is practically thanking me for allowing him to send it to me. It seems like he’s happier than me even, because he could be there for me in this way. Isn’t that something??

    And here’s another instance: One of my good girlfriends confided in me the other day that she is surprised that (a new man I’m dating) Joe has started dating me. She told me, “He was giving me all the signs that he was interested in me up to a while there. Then all the sudden he stopped. And now he’s taking you out on dates. I was pretty sure that he was interested in me, though he never actually asked me out.”

    So I had a chance to talk to Joe after a lunch date with him yesterday. I said, “I feel curious about something. My friend thought that you were interested in her but you never asked her out.”

    He really thought about it for a little while. Like he was trying to figure it out as well. He said, “I DO like her. I think she’s great. Pretty and smart.” he was kind of shaking his head. “I like her a lot…”
    Then he looked at me and he said, “It’s just, with you, there’s just something about you that makes me feel like I can make you happy. It’s like when I’m with you I just feel great about myself. And that’s a very new experience for me.”
    Then he shrugged and he said, “I just feel complete with you, like I don’t need to look for anything else.”

    Isn’t that something??? I give him the feeling that he can make me happy. And that’s what makes him like me better than other women!!! Isn’t it the coolest ever?? I feel so wonderful and relaxed and solid with this knowledge. I’d been working so hard in the past to connect with me, and here all along, they just wanted to feel that they could make me happy.



  60.  #60Emerson on March 22, 2014 at 10:25 am

    I am in a serious man drought



  61.  #61Millie on March 22, 2014 at 10:58 am

    Andrea that is such a golden nugget 🙂
    I will remember that



  62.  #62Shannon P. on March 22, 2014 at 11:08 am

    So lately I’ve been doing this meditation, “forgive yourself and others”. And today I realized something super obvious, something that no doubt others realize that I don’t, lol.

    It’s something Rori has said, but it didn’t sink in for me, “Either he’s into you or he isn’t. You can’t MAKE HIM love you, if he’s not feeling it.”

    Well, today, I was like… you know… it’s like brown eyes or blond hair or being X height…

    He’s not “not loving me” on purpose. It’s like having brown eyes. No matter what I do, I can’t talk him out of having brown eyes–that’s his eye color! I can’t talk him into being taller… and I can’t talk him into feeling an attraction for me that just isn’t there, either.

    Just like my friend T, who is a CD that I told I didn’t want to be with him, but I was okay with friendship… I’d love to be attracted to him, but I’m really just NOT. And I can’t talk myself into being attracted to him, any more than I can talk myself into having brown eyes (they’re blue).

    As I said, I’m sure I’m way behind everyone else on this… but it just seemed to really hit me on a deep level today. Like maybe attraction is (no matter what we want to believe) almost as uncontrollable and unpredictable as eye color or hair loss or aging.



  63.  #63Linda on March 22, 2014 at 11:28 am

    As a comment on the original theme of this thread. I have NEVER in all the years it has been on watched the Bachelor. I have had a personal adversion the whole concept of the show. I do not find reality TV entertaining and just don’t like watching it. This year I just saw the last episode and the live show. I commented on my impression in a few threads back.
    Watching the last episode was painful. My heart was in my stomach for Nikki. “I like you a lot” was his truth. It is was it is. On one hand I am glad he was honest and was “Hollywooded” into saying what was not in his heart. I felt the worst about watching Nikki. It felt she was keeping a “stiff upper lip” and trying to be ok with what he brought to her. Honestly if felt like her accepting crumbs. Her smile, her body language… she looked like she shifted gears and was all up in her head and disengaged from her heart. Lets just say I saw no green flags and a hungry woman accepting crumbs as her meal.

    Easy for me to say sitting here on my sofa in my bathrobe… but where I am today if it were me I would have accepted his truth graciously and then sincerely responded with mine. (which would have not played out as what she chose to do.

    One show I would watch…. a woman who uses Rori’s tools. I would learn and cheer!!



  64.  #64Indigo on March 22, 2014 at 12:05 pm

    I have always felt really sad for the men and women involved in The Bachelor. For the men, I can see what obvious pressure they’re under… and I, as a woman, would never NEVER want a man who has felt like he has been pressured into loving me/proposing to me/”making it work” when that’s not what he’s sure he wants. I am surprised it is good enough for the women on the show, and for those men where you can see the hesitation plain as day, I can only imagine it is desperation driving those women to accept the pressured offering.

    I feel sad, because I believe in romance and love when it happens naturally… when two people just want to be together it is a beautiful thing, and everyone can see it. I feel sad that “living the dream” on TV is seen as more important than this authentic love at the deepest soul level.



  65.  #65Liquid Light on March 22, 2014 at 12:16 pm

    Andrea, WOW WOW WOW!!!! I am just floored and amazed and awed and so deeply touched by your recent experiences. Thank you so much for sharing those! I love how the man was so grateful that you accepted his gift so graciously, and the other man, how he articulated how you made him feel as opposed to the other woman, just such gold right there. I LOVE IT. I’m so touched, and moved and humbled and just feel completely….ummm speechless!!! WOW!!!!! Its just so simple – these men want so much to make us happy and that’s what makes THEM happy – I just love that! So thanks so much again for sharing this. And you go, girl, you are experiencing pure magic out there because your heart is open and you are being so receptive and it is just so inspiring!!!!!



  66.  #66Liquid Light on March 22, 2014 at 12:39 pm

    I just got off the phone with someone about a project that he has in the real estate space. (My current contract is ending at the end of the month so I’m getting nervous.) Anyway, Its a web site and a mobile app and they need a designer. Since its a startup, they are only able to offer part $ and part equity which is not the way I typically work. It sounds like a great idea though and could have a lot of potential/pay off down the road.

    And then this morning, I got an email from a colleague about a need for a designer for a mobile application in another division at my current co. I’ve been wanting to do more mobile stuff, I don’t have a lot of experience with it and need more mobile projects for my portfolio, so its almost like I think about what I need/want and then all of the sudden, it falls in my lap! Pretty cool!

    Right now, it feels like I must be doing something right! Hoorah!



  67.  #67Liquid Light on March 22, 2014 at 1:28 pm

    Someone just messaged me from an online dating site who is 13 years younger than me. He wrote “You are very sexy” and I wrote back “Thanks but I’m not looking for a hookup” and then he responded “Are you interested in dinner” OMG, too funny! Hahahahahaha!



  68.  #68Liquid Light on March 22, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    Feeling a bit overwhelmed. Yikes, I need to calm down! And stop posting so much, sorry for the overload everyone! Calm, LL, calm…



  69.  #69Linda on March 22, 2014 at 1:52 pm

    I woke up today with a keen awareness that my heart is all closed up. I am going thru life dis-engaged with most of my encounters. My hibernating has been fruitful but also in ways the energy I am spending in sorting thru things from my life is debilitating me too.

    I have one relationship that the doors to my heart and life are wide open though. It is the one I have with my 4 year old Grandson. Yesterday was the first day in sooo long that he could go to his favorite park outside. I joined him and my daughter after work. He was running totally consumed with playing and stopped dead when he saw me to give me a hug and connect with me and then return to his playing. My heart just soars with him!

    Later in the evening he was accidently hit in the face by the neighbor boy (age 6) swinging a mens metal golf club just below his left eye. The lump was immediately purple red and huge and bad!!! The flurry of what happened after that amazed me.

    I immediately honed in on my grandson, Went into to fix it/ intercessor/ nurturer mode…I got down on his level, eye to eye, tuned into HIM ( emotions and injury). His dad was angry, ranting, blamey towards my daughter for the situation, asking him questions and making comments in a tone and body language that caused more fear about what was wrong with his face and if he was in trouble. My daughter was in guilt/defense, responder mode. My grandson was a little sponge… picking up on the vibes. He started to melt down even worse. I swooped him up all the while calmly listening/talking to him ,gently wiping his face of dirt, getting his hands washed, while my daughter shifted gears from the try to calm and fix it with daddy mode and tuned into to him totally , getting ice and the tylenol gently calming too. Not long after that.. daddy followed suit too. The evening ended with everyone nurturing and loving him in their own ways. A surprise movie rented, favorite meal and ice cream bought.

    I dont know if I can describe this … but I am so thankful I was there. Not only for him and helping but because of the awareness of a wellness I have inside me today as a result. Honestly I have been feeling pretty low and discouraged . Maybe I have hibernated too long.



  70.  #70Kyla on March 22, 2014 at 2:04 pm

    Daria – I took your advice from the last thread and didnt close anything down but did step back instead. Thank you for pointing out that I am hurting myself. You’re right and it led to me figuring out how.

    Andrea – not only are you the greatest inspiration to me, you are a neon sign of being receptive to all the wonderful love and support available that I resist so ferociously.

    I am hypoglycemic and I have let cigarettes, alcohol, caffeine, sugar, fast food and skipping meals wreak havoc on my health. I’m not getting regular sleep. I am not exercising or going to my chiropractor anymore. In a 4 week period I moved to a new area with no support network, started a new job, ended a long term relationship, walked away from 2 projects that were causing me pain and all while recovering from surgery. On top of that R left me financially crippled. I coped with the enormous transition by convincing myself that letting everything else slide for a little while until I found my feet again was ok but that was the most irresponsible thing I could have done. Poor health hurts everything else. I pretended everything was fine and pushed aside all offers of support when they would have been easy fixes. It’s been 7 months now and I’m out of control. Im sinking in every area and its taken reaching crisis point to finally be able ask for help. I have created this massive mess and I feel such shame and rage towards myself and my stupidity. Pride cometh before the fall. I feel guilty, humbled and unworthy of the blessings of having all these loving hands offering to pull me up out of my own hole. I’ve accepted gifts of unimaginable kindness and the generosity and forgiveness shakes me to my very core.

    My birthday present to me this year is to treat myself with tlc, learn from this and to honor those who are helping me by helping myself too. I’m going to have birthday drinks tonight with old friends. I will be wearing a nicotine patch, ordering a green salad and drinking club soda.



  71.  #71Liquid Light on March 22, 2014 at 2:07 pm

    OK, sorry, just one more post about another coincidence that is just hitting me. On the way to the meet up last night I drove by a restaurant/hotel that was beautiful and I thought to myself, I’d really like to go there sometime. Then I got a text from the man that I have a date with tonight and he inquired if I knew of any Thai restaurants in the town where we were meeting for dinner. My heart sank, I mean Thai is fine but nothing special, and also because he was asking me for suggestions for restaurants. Kinda asking me to be the boy, ughh. I didn’t respond until this AM and said Sorry but I didn’t. A little bit later, he responded back and said not to worry, that he had made a reservation at the beautiful restaurant that I drove by last night! And it was also in a different town but not far from than where we had planned to meet. Wow, the universe works in mysterious ways! 🙂



  72.  #72Liquid Light on March 22, 2014 at 2:12 pm

    Happy Birthday Kyla!!!



  73.  #73LoveAlways on March 22, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    Happy Birthday Kyla!!!



  74.  #74LoveAlways on March 22, 2014 at 2:23 pm

    Did some journaling to change my vibe and I’m feeling better now. Going to go do some good stuff for me now to continue on this positive note 🙂 Will be back later to catch up on the blog.



  75.  #75Linda on March 22, 2014 at 3:39 pm

    I feel a real need to really grow in expressing my feelings. I am truly not sure which program would best teach that. Which one would it be?



  76.  #76Helena Hart on March 22, 2014 at 3:58 pm

    Kyla – 69 – Happy Birthday!! I hope you’re feeling better. I can relate SO much to this: “its taken reaching crisis point to finally be able ask for help.” I too was in pain and recovering from surgeries (before that I was unable to walk for about a year and a half), and found myself forced to accept help from people for the first time in my life.

    I was single at the time and thought this was going to make me less attractive, but actually the opposite was true! It forced me to stop overfunctioning and actually be vulnerable, and I ended up meeting an amazing man (actually MANY amazing men who all wanted to help and be there for me!) during that time when I couldn’t walk.

    Just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone, and I really found that what I thought made me unlovable actually made me feel MORE lovable in the end. That’s what a lot of my work is based on. I hope you keep us posted on your progress!

    Love, Helena



  77.  #77Cris on March 22, 2014 at 4:59 pm

    happy birthday Kyla

    may this year bring you peace



  78.  #78Andrea on March 22, 2014 at 6:26 pm

    Liquid Light!! I am feeling the vibe! woot hoot!! I feel the excitement and giddy wonder of experiencing the world when the roller coaster ride is on it’s downward thrust and it’s just an absolute thrill.

    It feels like we are on that ride together. I like it!! : )

    Happy Birthday Kyla. May the year ahead be the best year so far. May you experience joy, love, great sex, huge success, and sip a spectacular glass of wine… (doesn’t all have to be on the same night) ; ) But it can be if you choose.



  79.  #79Andrea on March 22, 2014 at 6:32 pm

    PS… my “love cards” are working. One of the men I gave my card to called me this afternoon and asked me out on a date… unfortunately he asked me out for tonight.

    I told him, “Wow! I feel so excited and happy to hear from you, but I already have plans for tonight. I feel so special because you were thinking about me today though. Thank you!”

    He laughed. He said, “I’m sorry. I know it’s short notice. What was I thinking?”

    I said, “Oh my, sometimes short notice works great. That spur of the moment thing… and I feel all soft and blushing right now cause you thought to call me. But usually I need at least a two day notice. What do you think?”

    He said, “I’m going to call you next week for sure.”

    (Still a little abstract, but hey… we’re getting somewhere.)



  80.  #80RileyTheOwl on March 22, 2014 at 10:30 pm

    Wow Andrea, that sounds spectacular, you are perfection right now… while I read your feeling messages I felt really blown away by how natural they sounded =) I’m not sure what you mean by a love card, but I will read the previous comments to see if you talk more about them.

    The past week I have spent my lovely spring break hiking around the desert in California. It was incredible…. being from British Columbia, I have never experienced a desert before. I felt so in touch with myself while I was there, and it was great being so active and hiking all day, especially because I am in love with hiking :). The heat, the rocks, the plants and the animals… I loved it all <3
    Since I was gone, I was away from C for awhile… I rarely go for a whole week without seeing him, and it seems so healthy for me to finally have that natural space! Especially since before I left I was having trouble tightening the rubber band around us. Tonight I arrived back home, but I still haven't heard from him all week, which is making me feel a little icky. Sigh… oh well, I had a fantastic trip, and tonight and tomorrow I shall focus on myself, keeping myself feeling good and happy, because I am a goddess.
    I'm feeling sleepy, so I'm going to finally rest after my long day of travel. Goodnight sirens.



  81.  #81RileyTheOwl on March 22, 2014 at 10:32 pm

    Oh and Happy Birthday Kyla 🙂 I hope you have/had a wonderful day full of love <3



  82.  #82Millie on March 23, 2014 at 2:35 am

    I realized a couple things today…
    1) I’m not in a man drought, there are men everywhere. Suddenly men are popping up, this photographer who has been wanting to shoot me, my neighbor, another man who I know is interested…there isn’t a man drought….there is a ME drought. I’m droughting myself, and when I dress to my best and feel good, I know I am unstoppable. That feels great!!!!

    2) I thinkI’m in love with Mechanic. And it pains me greatly to say so, but I think he’s this wonderfully creative, successful person, that has really created his own success. I dreamt about him last night, which scared me so much. This man has infultrated my psyche and I’m scared. I dreamt that we are at function and he wanted to do something after…I said yes and he joined a car with too many people. He said I could sit on the drivers lap. I refused, but instead of saying in the dream that I wanted to sit on his lap, I said I had to go. Mechanic held my hand and whispered funny personal comments only for my ears, then he volunteered to walk me home. In the dream, I felt so alive by his touch, we were on fire. I couldn’t resist. I felt disappointed in myself for not resisting. I woke up angry that he was even in my dreams at all. And to this moment I am crying, because I know that I love this man and he does not love me. He does not love me. And this hurts. I wish it wasn’t so. I wish it didn’t exist, but it does…..

    I realized today too…the power of waiting. The power of not knowing how I feel and waiting to find out how I feel. Waiting until the feelings settle to respond to a text or a call. Maybe for me, I need time. I need time to respond. Maybe for me, I need an hour, a day, an evening…to FEEL. I need time..for those feelings to surface.



  83.  #83Waterfall on March 23, 2014 at 7:39 am

    Sirens Hello…

    Red flags is such an interesting topic too me. Sometimes I think it’s more about how I deL with the red flag than the red flag itself?!

    With the guy I am seeing, when we are alone things are great. But when we are in a group setting it’s like he changes into a whole other person. I can’t deal with it. He seems to flirt with other women, he seems to ignore me. It’s allvery strange because in other ways he seems contented.

    I wonder if he just deep down doesn’t really know what he wants. Red flag?!!!

    I am very confused….

    I want us do more stuff together. And I want to feel confident around friends and different groups of people. And if there are attractive girls there I don’t want to feel intimidated by them or insecure.

    We are both from very different worlds and I often wonder what he sees in me or my world. He never seems that enamoured by it or wanting to partake in it. This leaves me feeling is he the man for me? Yet, he says he is happy with me. Yet for some reason I feel insecure, like I can’t believe it.

    He also doesn’t seem to want me to be involved in his world. I feel very sidelined and just expected to wait and put my life on hold. This doesn’t feel good to me.

    I feel so confused..??!

    Everytime I try and talk to him about it he says things will change or that I’ve got it wrong. I dunno, nothing he says really fills me with confidence…

    I feel confused because he doesn’t seem to get why I am unhappy. I then also feel like I am stirring up trouble or being demanding or unreasonable. I just feel so insecure around him and I just don’t know how to move forward.



  84.  #84Waterfall on March 23, 2014 at 7:44 am

    Also, I try and get on with my life and do my own thing and I am happy to do that. I try not to put my life on hold for him but I also have a huge problem of putting up barriers towards him – so I just almost treat him as another “friend” though I truly want to feel like he’s my “boyfriend”…

    All response gratefully accepted!!



  85.  #85Waterfall on March 23, 2014 at 7:49 am

    Today I need to plan to do my domestic chores and admin. I’ve got plenty of it!! I have boxes and boxes of papers that I need to plough through… I also have cleaning chores to do AND a pile of laundry to get through…!!

    Phew!

    I need to focus on me. Bring it back to me. I need to “date” me…!

    I am going to cook myself a sumptuous supper of sausage and mash with swede and onion gravy… Yum!

    The other day I went shopping and bought a load of ingredients to make banana and walnut cake – only to remember that my oven is broken!! Lol…



  86.  #86Waterfall on March 23, 2014 at 7:58 am

    Also, another red flag for me is a friendship he has with another girl. He is always telling me that she has a power over men and that lots of men are obsessed with her – but how she gives nothing nothing in return. For some reason I feel very insecure about their friendship. I wonder if he himself has had feelings towards her.

    In a way he seems strangely naive. He almost confides in me like I am a mate, not his girlfriend. I have told him how I feel about this countless times – but he tells me it’s just because he feels so relaxed around me. I feel very confused…

    Maybe I need to take a step back. Lean back and sink into my feelings… Pheewwwww



  87.  #87Waterfall on March 23, 2014 at 8:00 am

    Feeling very jealous and insecure… I hate feeling like this….. Grrrrr it is eating me alive….



  88.  #88RileyTheOwl on March 23, 2014 at 8:37 am

    Ooohh I woke this morning, had my delicious warm tea and cuddled on the couch with a blanket, and when I checked my phone I saw that C had sent me a text right as I had fallen asleep last night!! I felt warmth rising through my body, and I felt so good to hear this from him. On his text he asked me if I had finally arrived home, because he missed me a ton. He said while I was gone everything reminded him of me, and he really hopes that he can see me tomorrow. (which is today). Yay! This feels so great =)
    I’m feeling a little worried about my vibe… I really want to be goddessy and open today, I have had trouble being that with him lately… I really hope I can be a goddess in his presence today.



  89.  #89Amazed on March 23, 2014 at 8:53 am

    Hi sirens..I need some help…I am seeing a very sweet man who does want to make me happy. However, he confided in me today that he had asked his dr about his lack of sex drive. I had wondered why myself but he didn’t want to talk about it. I had been seeing him in Oct and broke it off in Dec for other reasons but lack of sex is very hard for me as I do have a healthy sexual appetite lol. I am 38 and he is 43. His dr told him that he is under a lot of stress..from work and financially and that makes ones sex drive decline for sure. He says he is happy with me but he isn’t in the mood often. It’s hit and miss..can be at work and feel in the mood and then with me and not be. He has been in the past and is truly amazing and tender. Anyway I feel sad, disappointed, angry and don’t know what to do. Whdn we were broken up I had a FWB. That never works for me as I get attached. Now that we are back together I don’t know what to do with this. He says he is attracted to me, confides in me about this problem and then we are talking about his past sexual experiences?? I told him I didn’t want to talk about it since he couldn’t do anything with me but he is telling me about sex he’s had in the past?? Ouch. .dagger in my heart. The thing is..he wants long term..talking marriage, etc. I left his house and cried for half hour straight this morning. Still feeling raw..why can I have sex with guys who don’t want a relationship but the man who kept pursuing me after I broke things off and is demonstrating consistently that he’s the one can’t have sex with me unless the stars are aligned correctly?? Argh I feel so yucky right now. Thanks for letting me vent and throw any words of wisdom my way please!!!



  90.  #90Shannon P. on March 23, 2014 at 8:54 am

    Riley, is this the same fellow you’ve been with, or a new guy?

    Waterfall… this is not necessarily a Rori thing, but Mathew Hussey says something that’s great, and sometimes I think it’s okay to do something like this, when we’re finding it impossible to get the point across any other way, “Watching you do that just now was a huge turn-off. I have higher standards for my relationship than that.” Or even, “watching a man flirt with someone else while he’s on a date with me is a big turn off. I have higher standards for my relationship than that.” The key here is “turn off”. NO man wants to turn his woman off!

    The second thing that I want to say is that maybe this relationship just isn’t right for you. I think that’s where “trust yourself” comes in.

    See, I have been struggling with T a little. I feel like I “should” really like him, but the truth is that he is trying to shoehorn me into his life. He wants to drag me along on what he wants to do. But I want DATING to be about DATING, not being dragged on someone else’s life. That’s okay sometimes, but I don’t always want to be dragged to his favorite restaurant, to his favorite activity… whether I like them or not.

    I want “dating” especially the courtship phase, to be about doing things with me. Specifically doing things WITH ME, not dragging me along on his life.

    So maybe you need to trust your own standard for a relationship, which at this phase you’re in, may mean including you in his life. Trust yourself to say, “I feel excluded. I want to feel included.” And if he just doesn’t care, maybe it’s time to say, “I don’t feel good being exclusive. I want to feel included in my partner’s life, and I don’t feel that right now.”

    Take back your exclusivity agreement if this isn’t meeting your needs. Trust yourself.

    Like I’m not giving T a relationship at all. It doesn’t feel like a relationship when I have to drive everywhere (and he has never once offered to drive the car), or when he just drags me to auctions because he likes them… or when he go halfway across the state to the restaurant HE likes.

    I need to stick to my choice, or even walk away… and trust that I do actually know what feels good to me and what doesn’t.

    Maybe you need to trust that feeling excluded doesn’t feel good to you, and maybe it’s time to offer him the chance to include you, or you’ll find someone who will (of course, that’s not how you’d say it, but the point stands).

    It feels bad to feel not good enough, and if that’s how feeling excluded makes you feel, then trust yourself. You DO know how it makes you feel. Trust that, if nothing else.



  91.  #91Amazed on March 23, 2014 at 8:57 am

    Do I tell him how I’m feeling? He would be upset as well..he did say that it frustrated him too. His dr told him that he needs to be more active and I know he needs to talk to someone to help him with his issues. He just doesn’t have the money for s counsellor. The topic of no money is always arising to the point where I told him I felt bad and I feel like doing something but I can’t. He said it isn’t my responsibility and he should be talking to someone about it. I have my own financial and personal issues to deal with…and he knows that. Sigh 🙁



  92.  #92Shannon P. on March 23, 2014 at 9:09 am

    So, Amazed, look up testaedge on google. It’s a homeopathic cream that [may] help boost testosterone. If he’s having libido problems, it’s pretty likely that his testosterone production is low like a huge majority of men these days. The problem being that they are experiencing the same kind of imbalance that we women are. That’s just a fact. A huge majority of women, according to studies, are imbalanced hormonally… and studies are beginning to find the same for men.

    The nice thing is that this isn’t steroids, so he’s not going to go all steroid rage on you.

    The way that Rori brings it up is that you want to say something like, “Sex feels very important to me. I am working very hard on keeping up with my health. It feels very important and it’s something that is important to me in a relationship, too. I learned about this cream, and how it can help some men get their testosterone levels balanced without the expense of testosterone therapy.” Then just pat it and leave it, and go on as if he’s using it.

    Don’t suggest that he take it. Don’t say you want him to. Just leave it for him.

    There’s a thread around here somewhere like that, but it was about acne treatment (or maybe it was soap :p)… yet the concept is the same. You want to tell him how important it is TO YOU. Then you just say it has helped others. Then leave him to his own choice to use it or toss it.

    Yet you treat him like you assume he’s using it.

    Also, you may want to look up the book “The sex-starved marriage” and learn about how these discussions can sometimes push the other person to want sex even less. The more pressured they feel, the less appeal the whole thing has.

    Which is not to say that saying how you feel is wrong, but the point is to offer him something to try (and I know two men personally for whom it has worked wonders, so it might be indirect, but you know it has worked for at least two men), and then to drop the subject so that there isn’t a constant feeling of pressure about it.

    *HUGS* Lady



  93.  #93RileyTheOwl on March 23, 2014 at 9:33 am

    Shannon I really like the advice you gave Amazed. Amazed, if you are able to trust yourself, everything will work out in the end.
    Shannon, yes, this is the same man. I took your advice and realized I was making excuses…. I started gushing, complimenting, and every single time he did something I liked I told him how much I loved it. I really turned things around, and he’s showing this new masculine side that I used to rarely see! But… I think I complemented him to much, and lost the focus on myself, because he started withdrawing 😛 I just got back from vacation and he texted me all excited to see me today!! Ahh! And I’m feeling a little nervous and worried that I won’t be connected to myself/be feminine enough.



  94.  #94Waterfall on March 23, 2014 at 10:23 am

    Shannon P – thank you that makes a lot of sense..



  95.  #95Waterfall on March 23, 2014 at 10:23 am

    Shannon P – thank you that makes a lot of sense..



  96.  #96Liquid Light on March 23, 2014 at 11:11 am

    I had my date last night and we ended up at that beautiful restaurant that I mentioned in a previous post. Its also very nice inside and the food was great. We had fun but he did most of the talking. He’s got a kinda wild energy about him, probably his mixture of Persian/Italian, that is a bit off putting. But he’s got a good heart and is very smart.

    I decided to do something that Lauren Frances suggests. (I love Lauren Frances as well as RR and try to use a combo of their suggestions.) Anyway LF suggests that you try to find out early on if a new man wants the same things as you, and if you want marriage, she suggests you try her heartbreak proof strategy. Basically, on the first or second date, you ask the man So John, I know you’ve been through a divorce (if he has, hahahaha, my guy had), do you still believe in the dream? And you say it with a big smile on your face. Anyway, I did this last night and it was so interesting. He said that he wanted a long term relationship, and he admired what his father and stepmother have so much. They are in their 90s and still in love. And then he asked me to put my hand up and he put his hand against mine and then he said that’s good, you don’t push or something like that. It was weird but basically he said it again about not pushing. Then a bit later, after I got back from the bathroom he said that we both eat the same kind of food (we’re both mostly vegetarian) and that in India, that’s one of the key factors they use in arranged marriages, that the two eat in a similar way, both vegetarian etc. So I dunno what to make of it. What do you think ladies?

    I’m wondering if I went about it wrong. Maybe not playful enough, LF is very playful and bubbly. So maybe I wasn’t pulling it off properly…I dunno…has anyone else tried this? It’s a brilliant idea. What I love about it is that she says on the first or second date, neither one of you have anything invested so the guy feels comfortable and unguarded and he will tell on himself exactly how he feels about marriage, having a family etc. And that you can save yourself a lot of heartache early on by finding out where’s he’s at regarding these things, instead of investing months or years and then finding out that he would never marry again or whatever it may be.



  97.  #97Liquid Light on March 23, 2014 at 11:23 am

    Andrea 77

    I feel the excitement and giddy wonder of experiencing the world when the roller coaster ride is on it’s downward thrust and it’s just an absolute thrill.

    Yes!! Life does feel like a thrill ride right now! Love it and love that you wrote this! You articulated it so well!!! Woohoooo girl let’s ride!!!!!

    😀 😀 😀 😀



  98.  #98Mandy on March 23, 2014 at 11:25 am

    I just found out my ex who I go pregnant by, then terminated the prgnancy, and who I was with for four years, and who was verbally abusive, tried getting ahold of my personal/contact information according to a 100% reliable source (my friend who coincidentally started dancing at the club he worked at as a cook.)

    Here’s the deal…I feel so much about this. I feel so angry at him and how he treated me I just want to blow up the world. And didn’t realize I still do til now.

    Something insanely disturbing to me I found out…even though the girl has her mom’s permission, he’s going out with a 17 year old, a girl who we both knew and was twelve when we were together.

    I’m so creeped out and absolutely, horrifyingly disgusted, I am beside myself, and I don’t know what to do with all this negative energy. Yes, I do drop to my knees and riff, but it’s like this needs WAY bigger guns. Maybe a karaoke song…

    My goodness I am conflicted….



  99.  #99Indigo on March 23, 2014 at 11:28 am

    LL 95,

    I have asked a guy this question a few times before. I think it’s a good question. Some guys get reserved and shy when you ask them.

    Basically yes, I think it’s a good question to experiment with. But you will only know a guy’s true intentions over time.

    I think your date sounded promising. I would have actually thought that was a lot of opening up for a first (?) date.



  100.  #100Amazed on March 23, 2014 at 12:09 pm

    Thanks Shannon..sounds interesting and yes I don’t want to harp on about it and I think he knows how I feel about it. So after I suggest it, how do I keep going on with us if he doesn’t improve..sounds harsh and I think my problem was that he was saying things to me before I went to his place last night that made me expect to have a passionate evening. I was looking forward to that at the end of a rough week and I left him feeling worse than when I went there. I get a text saying thanks for coming. .his weekend was much better because I was there. I just said awww..you’re welcome and I enjoyed cuddling with you. I didn’t say what I was really feeling. I guess I’m scared I will cheat on him if this doesn’t work. I wish it wasn’t so important to me… 🙁



  101.  #101Amazed on March 23, 2014 at 12:16 pm

    Sounds like a great date LL! 🙂



  102.  #102Mandy on March 23, 2014 at 12:36 pm

    Amazed – comments 88 and 90:

    Ooh, I *so* feel you on this one. I felt it was hugely important for me to comment since I have so much experience with this situation and making it work.

    The key is staying open and soft and telling him everything he s doing RIGHT and how good it makes you feel (when he does anything you like, such as touching you, etc.)

    I am impressed that your guy cares enough to got o the doc and ask…a lot of men are to embarrassed and feel way too yucky to do so… so it’s obviously important to him, and this is an awesome place to start telling him he’s doing well. What I’m hearing from your guy is he’s opening up dialogue about sex with you, by talking about past experiences, and this is GOOD. I completely understand the feelings you have hearing about his past experiences with others. You are fully entitled to tell him how you feel…just try not to tell him he’s doing something you’re uncomfy with too much or he will close up and stop trying to open up.
    He is opening up to you, he’s just lacking tact and awareness about how he says it is affecting you, and men can be quite naturally and innocently clueless about if how he says something bugs you.

    How about suggesting he express himself in different words? My words could be “I’d feel so good to talk about how you know yourself sexually without talking about past women you’ve had the experience with.” What are your words? Breathe, center and open your heart, find your feelings, and stay soft, then deliver your script that you decided to say to him.

    I have had to tell exes this MILLIONS of times, and I feel your situation so much…the GOOD news is a perfect chance for you to practice being/staying soft and open and positive while also being strong inside and stating your goddess-y boundaries 🙂

    Good for you for being open to suggestion and coming to the blog, Amazed. Do something to pamper yourself today! 🙂



  103.  #103Amazed on March 23, 2014 at 1:19 pm

    Thank you Mandy. .you are right he did care enough about it to ask so it is important to him too. 😉 thank you for that. He said he wants to give me a full body massage next visit. I do tell him I love his kisses and his touch. Thank you again.. 🙂



  104.  #104April Rose on March 23, 2014 at 3:30 pm

    Linda,
    Have you got Love Scripts?



  105.  #105Shannon P. on March 23, 2014 at 5:28 pm

    Amazed, what I would do is to give MYSELF a time limit. Say 8 weeks. Maybe even just 4-6, depends on you….

    Then I would end any exclusivity with him if it hasn’t improved. I’d offer the solution, and the statement that it’s an essential part of a relationship to me… and then carry on for a time period that I designate for myself AS IF he had used it.

    Then I would simply end any exclusivity agreement at that time. “I do not feel comfortable being exclusive with a man who doesn’t fulfill me sexually. This is far too huge a part of a relationship for me. I feel so wonderful in your company. I also know that I truly need sexual expression in my relationship.”

    It’s cheating when it’s a lie. It’s cheating when you have to sneak around.

    And if you don’t feel you can maintain multiple relationships/ date and have sex; then you may need to entirely end the relationship altogether for your own sanity.

    But I suggest that you give it a set time period–and you don’t tell him about the time period. Just give it a set time to change… and then get back on your horse and ride on. Remember that you’re trying to get to the bridge (whatever relationship truly fulfills you)… you’re not trying to drag a specific man there, kicking and screaming the whole way.

    If he cannot fulfill you… remember that it’s like having brown eyes or being a certain height… it’s nothing he can choose or control. It’s just who and what he is.

    He either is able to find a way to fulfill you, or he isn’t. That’s NOT ABOUT YOU, it’s no more personal than him having brown or blue or green eyes… he’s just capable or not. And you have to choose whether or not his sexual inability is something you can accept for yourself or not. And that’s no more his fault than what color YOUR eyes are.

    But that’s what I would do. If that doesn’t feel right to you, find what does feel right. That’s what we’re all trying to learn how to do here. 🙂



  106.  #106LoveAlways on March 23, 2014 at 5:29 pm

    In the pits today. love to you all. catch up later



  107.  #107Amazed on March 23, 2014 at 5:49 pm

    Thank you Shannon…he did say today that he can find ways to fulfill my needs and I felt bad because I wanted him to feel in the mood too. But I will accept his offer because I know he doesn’t want me to go anywhere. Thank you for directing me..I feel like a goddess again. <3



  108.  #108Zia on March 23, 2014 at 7:05 pm

    I absolutely ignored red flags in my previous relationships. And they were there from the start. This time around so far there are nothing bigger than what would be deemed “normal”, I’m not actively looking for them but I’m ok with paying attention to them if they come up. So far, so good…



  109.  #109Daria on March 23, 2014 at 7:28 pm

    so lonely… plan to see exes to see why they dont interest me worked… so missing the fave cd havent heard form him since thurs…

    my driving was throwing the balance off and i was consistently saying no to his ideas… :/

    i feel so desiring of sexual attention and love
    from men!



  110.  #110Daria on March 23, 2014 at 8:14 pm

    POF feels slow…

    i feel sad!

    i jjust had my goddaughter over and she had times when she seemed to be feeling very sad

    im starting to get a perspective that loving male attention feels so powerful to affect woman’s health and wellbeing

    dedicating again to myself and using my boy eenrgy for me



  111.  #111RileyTheOwl on March 23, 2014 at 8:25 pm

    Ughh what a day…. I’m feeling so low on my confidence right now, and I feel hope draining from me…. I miss my self love, ahh why can’t I feel it. I’m just feeling so dejected and down.
    Ugh.



  112.  #112Tereana on March 23, 2014 at 8:36 pm

    Mandy (97) – oh my goodness. Yes, that probably does need bigger “guns.” I found a great release at one point by signing up for a boxing class (not kickboxing, but regular boxing, i.e. punching a big bag). But also maybe regular guns. Maybe you could go out to a shooting range and just take it all out on the target. Or go out in the middle of a frield and scream…anyway, I don’t know why your post jumped out at me. Ifi were there, I’d go with you to the shooting range, girl. I’ve always wanted to try that, anyway ; )



  113.  #113Tereana on March 23, 2014 at 8:46 pm

    Here’s a fun article I found : http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/09/dear-friends-future-lovers-2/

    And I felt like a did a good job controlling myself today. Yesterday, I felt upset because M and I had tentative plans, and I was doing something in the evening and I wanted him to join me. But he was invited by some friends to go hiking. He felt bad because he said he’s been saying no to them a lot. But I composed a feeling message about how I felt like a second choice, or an afterthought. We talked about it, and he committed to coming to my event after hiking.

    Well, all day, I had no texts from him – no good morning. No I love you. No eta. So I felt pretty good, actually. I decided if he didn’t arrive, then fine. But when the time came, I could feel my heart falling and closing. So I took deep breaths, I imagined my heart opening and I told myself “he’ll be here, he’ll be here, he’ll be here.” And we was. Seconds later, I looked up and he was walking toward me.

    So it worked. I was proud of myself for not reaching out to him all day. I was not proud of myself for getting home later than planned/than I wanted to.

    So I feel cranky about that. But also I’m pms-ing. So it could have been worse. Which is why I’m pretty proud of myself. Because that’s usually when I get in all lean-forward mode….



  114.  #114Andrea on March 23, 2014 at 9:47 pm

    Had a man was one of those continual texters but no real action take a few quick strides today in communicating with me.

    And I was so curious about it I flat out asked him what the change was.

    He said that mid-week he texted me (same ol, same ol.. how are you? I’m thinking of you. Goodnight. I’ll dream about your smile. All that la-de-da stuff that he has been texting for two weeks now.)

    And this time I was in a playful, teasing mood… last night I answered that text to me. I said, “Oooh, I feel turned on knowing I’m in your dreams.”

    This morning he was calling me. I missed his first call. He left a message. Texted me. Later texted again and asked me to call him when I had the chance. We talked a little bit tonight and he asked me if he could call me again tomorrow.

    (We’ll see. It took weeks to go from texting to calling.. even with all the.. “I feel better about talking instead of texting.” messages I was sending. )

    Now I realize….. hmmmm…. “I feel turned on…” is something that really works and leads to action.

    heeehee… Great tool Rori. Thank You!! : )



  115.  #115Emerson on March 23, 2014 at 10:06 pm

    Hello sirens.
    I feel curious, what are your thoughts about a man with tongue piecing ??
    Oh and the interesting part is that this guy admits not to be a fan of eating pu$$y…



  116.  #116Emerson on March 23, 2014 at 10:27 pm

    Sirens why do I always do this to myself… The leaning forward ???
    I feel like an ass.
    Sometimes I just need some reassurance and male contact…I feel like a desperate mess.



  117.  #117RileyTheOwl on March 23, 2014 at 10:38 pm

    Emerson, if you like the tongue peircing and it turns you on, that’s great. It honestly depends more on the man! A tongue pericing on a kind man turns me on, but a tongue piercing on a man with bad intentions/red flags turns me off. It’s all about the man, whether you date him or not should most likely not depend all on a piercing, but it’s all up to you and how you feel 🙂



  118.  #118Emerson on March 23, 2014 at 10:53 pm

    Thanks Riley for your reply.



  119.  #119Waterfall on March 24, 2014 at 5:13 am

    Beating myself up for stupid mistakes and feeling stupid… Grrrr



  120.  #120Waterfall on March 24, 2014 at 5:14 am

    How do I move on from these feelings of self loathing…?



  121.  #121Dominique on March 24, 2014 at 5:53 am

    Waterfall – There are no mistakes; there are only learning and growing experiences IF you choose to look at them in this way. And you CAN choose.

    Doesn’t it feel better to think of every experience no matter how good or bad it feels as an opportunity to blossom even more beautifully than you already are?

    Try to be gentle with yourself. Try being kind. How about something small to start with, eg. a long, hot shower, taking the time to FEEL the sensations, the hot water running over your skin, the soap, your hands cleansing you. Can you imagine your troubles washing off of you, down the drain? Take time to to feel the lotion you smoothe on yourself after. Try to imagine lavishing love on yourself. Place your hand on your heart, and breathe love into yourself. This is a wonderful opportunity to give and receive love at the same time.

    Look at yourself in the mirror. Smile even if you don’t fully mean it just yet. Blow yourself a kiss or better yet, kiss your image full on the lips.

    See if this doesn’t help shift something in you.

    xxoo



  122.  #122Millie on March 24, 2014 at 8:49 am

    Ok…so yesterday I was at a bar and posted on Instagram. Mechanic texts and asks how long I am going to be there. My response was not sireny at all. I replied “not sure. Come if you like.” I know I know….in hindsight this was a terrible response. Very cold. But I have slept with guy twice and he poofed both times. I feel reluctant to show that I like him. I don’t want to dangle my feelings in front of him just he can stomp on them. When I asked if he had decided if he was coming he say said “yeah. I’m doing laundry. I’m lame.” To that I did not respond. I just feel stuck with him. I feel my body trying to protect itself and I just don’t know what to say anymore.

    Should I respond today and maybe say…”well, missed you last. I was excited thinking you might come.”

    Or should I just leave it…



  123.  #123Andrea on March 24, 2014 at 9:03 am

    Millie…. ((((millie))))))

    What are you doing? It feels like you’re using this guy to beat yourself up. Why????



  124.  #124Millie on March 24, 2014 at 9:26 am

    Andrea, I don’t want to beat myself up. I want to feel good and feel good about how I express myself. You are so amazing at cultivating good responses, I would live to develop that skill. I don’t want to use him to feel bad. He just triggers me so. Would you advise me to respond or to leave it?



  125.  #125Shannon P. on March 24, 2014 at 9:35 am

    You know what, Millie.

    This is what I would do. Now, it’s up to you, but… this what I’d do. I would text him.

    “I felt really wonderful that you contacted me last night. I was also feeling crabby and tired. I’m so sorry that I let the crabby leak out all over you and forgot the wonderful. I feel bad.”

    Just let that fall where it may, without expecting anything good to come of it… or anything bad to come of it. Just put it out there and LET IT GO. See where it leads you.



  126.  #126Shannon P. on March 24, 2014 at 9:39 am

    Oh, and he may ask why you felt tired and crabby (probably thinking it was because of him), and you can just tell him that you’ve been feeling that way lately, and you aren’t sure why.

    Be ready to be open to it if he offers to cheer you up: “I feel like going out somewhere, do you have any good ideas?” (this is like ‘what do you think?’)

    Try to avoid getting into a sexual situation with him, so that you can establish your value outside of sex. To him, and you both.



  127.  #127Andrea on March 24, 2014 at 9:49 am

    I’m sorry. I’m not an advice giver. I just feel the angst that you’re going through with THIS particular man and it always feels like, “I’m not good enough for him.”

    And the truth seems like.. well.. all the evidence that you’ve presented here feels like..

    He’s not interested in being in a relationship with you right now. He’s not interested in showing you that you are a wonderful valuable that he adores and cherishes and wants to make happy.

    And I was just wondering…. why that’s okay with you. I’m trying not to say, “Millie, you are Wrong.”
    But I feel like I don’t know how to communicate in a way that is beneficial. You are not wrong. I just feel curious as to why it’s acceptable to you to get sub par treatment.

    And then, what I’m wondering is if you understand that I didn’t coerce or convince or connive any of the men I’m dating into treating me well. They first showed me that they were and are very much interested in me. That’s why I can be honest in my communication with them. They ARE interested in me. Not because I’m good at the feeling messages, but because for this moment THEY are choosing to give me attention.

    I can’t control them. I can only run with what they offer, when they offer it, if I WANT to. They offer first. I choose to accept or deny. Then I have been learning to use the feeling messages in order to BE WHO I HONESTLY AM in present moment.

    And for some reason, these men respond to that wonderfully and happily.

    So…. I used to feel very unworthy and chasy with my ex. My involvement with him (though I called it.. “I’m so in love with him”) was actually very toxic. Not because He was toxic… (I found the courage to get out of his business.) But because when ever I wanted to self blame, or self annihilate, or self condemn… I would seek him out and crave, like a puppy dog.. panting for his attention. Then if he gave it to me, I’d be “happy” for a few moments… only until he took it away from me, or disapproved of me in some way. Then I’d beat myself up and try to do what ever I could to get his approval again.

    How did I get out of that pattern of self abuse?? Complete NO CONTACT! I started C-dating, I hibernated, and used all of Rori’s tools to find my way back to pure self love. I still go through periods of time where I catch myself “craving” my ex. But then I dive into the true feelings and I usually find that I’m feeling guilty about something, or triggered about something… and I use “him” to beat myself up again.

    So, If I were sitting at a bar by myself, and some man texted me and said, “What are you doing?”

    I would first be very clear about exactly what I was doing and why and how I felt about it and how I was feeling right now about the text. I would breath into my feelings and just be as completely honest and RIGHT NOW as I could be.

    If I were in a “crush” type scenario where I have more emotional hook ups for a man than he does for me… I would do no contact. Cause I, myself, can’t stand to feel like that. I can’t stand to be yearning after a man who doesn’t give two shits about me. For my own sake, I would stay as far away from him as possible, and I would do as many Rori tools as I could to offer as much self love to myself as I could. I would not communicate with him at all. Cause I don’t like that feeling that I’m the one chasing a man. I’m too beautiful, valuable, wonderful, aged, wise, adorable, wanted, awesome, bubbly, … for that. Men chase ME. Men vie for my attention. And that’s just the way it needs to be for me, in order for me to feel good about a dating/relationship/male female/ type situation. I won’t go back to the position of longing for attention and trying to change a man and convince him to want me. I just simply don’t like feeling that way.

    I’m sorry. So, for me, long advice short… I wouldn’t have any communication with this guy at all. That’s just me. He hasn’t shown you that he is completely into you.

    Remember.. please… that’s just me. I am not trained by Rori or anything. I just have done, successfully I believe.. what works for me.



  128.  #128Andrea on March 24, 2014 at 9:56 am

    hahaha… And I’m supposed to be doing homework right now. ARgh!!

    That’s one of the ways, though, that i’ve found to instantly snap out of longing for some guy mode… get busy doing something else, and tell myself I’ll revisit that situation later.

    Usually when I go to revisit… the feeling of anxiousness or longing has passed and I can get on with my best self forward life.



  129.  #129Rori Raye on March 24, 2014 at 11:29 am

    Emerson – ALL – Let’s throw out some ideas to increase your pool of available men! Love, Rori



  130.  #130Liquid Light on March 24, 2014 at 11:47 am

    * Happy hours – they’re cheap and its not that weird to go alone as a woman if you don’t have someone to go with, people stop in after work and are more social
    * Speed Dating
    * Meetups!
    * Match Stir events – love those!
    * Grocery stores! (Hahahaha!)



  131.  #131Daria on March 24, 2014 at 12:03 pm

    really good and sexy online photos!

    sports bars!

    basketball/football games

    live music places

    car shows

    festivals



  132.  #132Daria on March 24, 2014 at 12:10 pm

    I don’t want to do many of those becasue i don’t want to spend money on drinks or food to be there



  133.  #133Amazed on March 24, 2014 at 12:10 pm

    Luckily I found my guy on POF. I went through 2 others before I found him but I think he’s the one. 🙂



  134.  #134Daria on March 24, 2014 at 12:12 pm

    I feel disappointed



  135.  #135Liquid Light on March 24, 2014 at 12:13 pm

    Re. Match Stir events – if you know someone on Match, you can go as their guest, so you don’t have to be a member necessarily. Some of them, the happy hours, are really cheap ($5) and they are the best ones because there are lots of people there!



  136.  #136Daria on March 24, 2014 at 12:18 pm

    i feel too annoyed to keep texting when i let guys know i dont want to text

    and i say i feel annoyed and next them

    in fact if a guy hasnt made a date within the first few days of contact, i stop answering his texts

    i dont want to spend my energy… i notice i feel piny doing so



  137.  #137BeLoved on March 24, 2014 at 12:19 pm

    Emerson – for me the piercing wouldn’t be an issue – my nose is pierced, most of my social scene is non-mainstream and even my female doctor friend has her ears gauged.

    What I would feel uneasy about, though, is a man not being a fan of oral sex. That *is* something that matters to me and would likely be a deal breaker.

    How do you feel about it?



  138.  #138Daria on March 24, 2014 at 12:20 pm

    thought “he probably thinks im crazy” + smirk

    i feel relieved though.. no more texting! yay!



  139.  #139Daria on March 24, 2014 at 12:23 pm

    Thanks Liquid Light 🙂

    i feel a bit more encouraged to try a 5 dollar happy hour…

    actually i dont want to drink. or eat out food. or spend 5 dollars… unless it really did open me up surely to a pool of men…

    hmmm what is a good happy hour where that could be for me



  140.  #140Daria on March 24, 2014 at 12:36 pm

    i feel disappointed and panicked a bit

    i wish that guy i texted that i hate texting would have followe dup

    i wish my guy friend didnt flake on me

    internal locus of control

    i wish i am sinking into my feelings



  141.  #141Daria on March 24, 2014 at 12:45 pm

    oh look at that… the guy did respond and ask when im free



  142.  #142Liquid Light on March 24, 2014 at 12:47 pm

    Daria: yay! 🙂



  143.  #143Amazed on March 24, 2014 at 1:07 pm

    Awesome Daria..go girl!!



  144.  #144Veronica on March 24, 2014 at 1:22 pm

    Bookstores
    Fresh produce markets (healthy men)
    Restaurant openings (yum and yum)
    Art exhibition openings
    Parks where lots of people walk their dogs (caring men)
    Swing dance venues (men who know how to move their bodies and are very willing to help a newbie out)
    Dance classes (salsa, rumba, tango)
    Hardware stores
    Second hand/Vintage goods markets (but with good objects)
    Design districts
    Jazz clubs/venues/festivals
    Food festivals (with some wine-tasting) (men who love good food)
    Polo events/Equestrian events (if you like wealthy classy men)



  145.  #145Millie on March 24, 2014 at 1:32 pm

    Thank you for being honest Andrea. I do not want to continue allowing sub par treatment and I am NOT chasing him. As you mentioned, I get very triggered into negative feelings with this particular man. Feelings of low self with, but I’m not seeking him out. And lately I have been doing a lot of things to help my vibe and feel good! Thank you for sharing your process. Since I have a hard time using feeling messages in the moment..I found that waiting to respond works well for me and removed that anxious feeling and sense of urgency. I feel relaxed and calm now.

    Thank you Shannon for your take. I wasn’t feeling crabby at all, so I chose not to use your message. I did reply and said “sorry I was distracted last night, I was hoping you’d come.. It was really fun.” I can’t get more into feelings with this guy. I feel protective of myself and also I agree that the reason Andreas work is because the men are showing interest. This guy really isn’t . As my mother says “don’t cast your pearls before swine.” Also I am remembering a lesson of Roris where you give as much as you get. So I do not want to offer more of my inner self if he isn’t putting effort into wanting to know me. No contact works here since if I’m not initiating anything, I’d barely hear from him. I really want to move away from this and YES Rori–find a new pool of men! Yay!



  146.  #146Mandy on March 24, 2014 at 2:05 pm

    Amazed,

    Now that sounds delicious, you go girl! 😉 I wouldn’t mind a massage from my man! Maybe I should script out how to ask him if I can have one? 🙂

    See you on the new blog 😉



  147.  #147April Rose on March 24, 2014 at 2:50 pm

    Indigo 24

    “April Rose,
    What are the times you enjoy with him the most?
    Do you have certain rituals or regular activities or moments together that you particularly like?”

    I enjoy it when we have fun together.
    The only rituals are mealtimes, and they are irregular plus I’m not finding food very exciting lately.

    Travelling (with him driving) together feels pleasant and warm. We both like playing silly travel games and also stopping at cafes.

    Connecting deeply with him is the best feeling, yet so rare. It happens when I feel an interest coming from his side. When he offers something.
    It’s rare because he tends to be self-centred.

    It’s like he has his own massive inner feminine side. I feel sad saying this, yet – he is his own number one lady!



  148.  #148LoveAlways on March 24, 2014 at 2:52 pm

    Have you ever touched a rose? Felt its softness, energy and beauty and realized that as a woman it is your special gift to love these sensations and experience them?



  149.  #149Millie on March 24, 2014 at 3:44 pm

    Ok well that was a mistake. All he responded with was “K.”



  150.  #150RileyTheOwl on March 24, 2014 at 5:40 pm

    Oh no Millie I’m sorry to hear that!
    Do you know why he withdrew from that? Maybe apologizing wasn’t the right way to go. Maybe everything you said was great, except the “sorry” part… I’m not nearly as good with feeling messages as many of you, so correct me if I’m wrong. Sorry changes things… it’s allowing him to feel that he deserves an apology, it makes him go, “yeah, that’s right, she’s sorry”. It shifts things, it takes away your power….
    I often try to catch myself saying sorry when I’m not REALLY sorry… It’s a bad habit of mine…. And it feels really empowering to NOT say it when I don’t mean it. It makes me feel like I’m holding my ground instead of leaning into the other person.



  151.  #151Amazed on March 24, 2014 at 6:37 pm

    I have realized this since L has entered my life. You can’t say the wrong thing to the right man. It’s been proven to me over and over again. So Millie..try not to feel stressed and keep replaying things over in your mind about Mechanic. If it’s meant to be it will be. I have been in your situation before with other guys and I felt like I had to try and be doing things and was in my head instead of heart. It’s so nice to just be. Thank you Rori for enlightening me and giving us these tools..I no longer have to guess where I stand with my man. 🙂



  152.  #152Millie on March 24, 2014 at 8:31 pm

    Riley…This man and I are not dating.
    Every time I’ve opened up with a feeling message or giving him a compliment, he deflects it. I don’t think it’s the “sorry” that was the problem here. I think it was me saying “I’d hoped he’d come.” Me saying that means I still like him, I still want him around. I kinda think that he’s the type of man that likes it when a woman insults him and doesn’t give him the time of day. I’ve been that woman before and it’s just not me. I would never hurt anyone like that. I would never call him an asshole to his face, unless he really really really really deserved it. My opinion is…since he doesn’t feel the same about me, any emotional thing I share with him is offputting for him. But on the other hand he told me an ex of his used to cuss at him and call him names all the time. A friend of ours called him an asshole and he got extremely upset. He told me later that that is a trigger for him. So..knowing this, I do not want to be the woman that knowingly triggers a man for the sake of trying to be more attractive. It’s not worth it. I’d rather be nice and warm.



  153.  #153Millie on March 24, 2014 at 8:41 pm

    Amazed–thank you…
    I know it’s not meant to be…..For me it’s about learning to use the tools…which I find to be very difficult with this man. More so than with other men. I want to say how I feel, but on the other hand, I don’t because what if all he says is “OK” which I’m pretty sure will happen. Shannon, I only wish your scenario would seem reasonable to me. As I said, me opening up to him doesn’t go over well. Although I LOVE when he shares stuff with me.



  154.  #154Millie on March 24, 2014 at 8:46 pm

    Btw…Andrea, I just reread your post. And…you are so amazing! Next time I’m in a sticky situation, I’m going to say “What would Andrea do?” I know, I should do, what I would do….but the old me isn’t working for me, so maybe putting myself in another person’s shoes would be a good excersize, then I can see the difference of high value and low value more clearly.



  155.  #155RileyTheOwl on March 24, 2014 at 9:40 pm

    Millie, you’re right. I am just trying to help 🙂 I’m still trying to fully understand everything that Rori teaches, and all these concepts… it’s hard, because I can’t afford her programs. Sigh..



  156.  #156Emerson on March 24, 2014 at 10:03 pm

    Sirens lately I feel I have nothing to contribute. I feel like blah blah blah.
    That feels funny and silly hehe



  157.  #157Emerson on March 24, 2014 at 10:09 pm

    Rori and sirens ….thank you for the awesome feedback !!



  158.  #158Dominique on March 25, 2014 at 6:32 am

    Everyone – Apologies are important IF it’s warranted and IF it’s genuine.

    Saying it to say it or out of habit wouldn’t fall into area.

    Millie – You did nothing wrong here. This seems to be all him and whatever is going on with him. There are not mistakes. It’s all about learning and growing. And this man is likely not the one for you, yet you can learn something from even him.

    Emerson – You have SO much to offer, just by being here and being you. I love your presence here.

    xxoo



  159.  #159Valarie O'Ryan on March 25, 2014 at 8:38 am

    Millie, the important thing to remember about “feeling messages” is they’re all about YOU. They’re not about trying to evoke a particular response from anybody.

    They’re about connecting you to your heart & your feelings.

    The men are just there for practice. And the men who are ready, willing & capable WILL respond to the feeling messages in a magical way. The point is to be the same way with everyone – you speak your feelings, keeping it all about you, so that you’re constantly connected to your heart.

    That’s the only way a man can connect to it – through you.

    xoxo



  160.  #160Tereana on March 25, 2014 at 4:36 pm

    Emerson – I don’t know that a tongue piercing by itself is an indication of anything at all. But odd that he says he’s not a fan of oral. Especially since I was always under the impression that tongue piercings are frequently done in order to increase pleasure for the other partner when having oral s*x ; ) but hey, maybe there is another reason he has it. Lol. Whatever, does it turn you on? 😉 xo



  161.  #161snoopyface on March 26, 2014 at 4:11 pm

    this season of the the bachelor with juan pablo was interesting to me. in the past the women would all be swooning and wanting the bachelor to PICK THEM. and this one, because many of the ladies actually had reservations about juan pablo with a couple of them ditching him, it showed a different facet of the show. it almost unveiled the “fantasy” aspect of it. Because people can’t really fake it. and as a viewer i could kind of feel people pushing to do the show in the same old way and it wasnt possible. in fact, when the women did try to push it i felt myself cringe.

    also, nikki normally would have been the “bad” girl who faked her way to the coveted bachelor. but this time she was just ended up with the dud. lol.

    so if anyone is a regular fan of the bachelor, it was fun to see the sort of transparency in the gimmick of the show.

    also, i noticed, because of roris work, why some women were really attractive and why others (in my opinion) Would have been really good catches, if only they could have been a little more authentic. For example, i thought claire was a doll, the more i watched her. but only because she as forced to become more and more authentic. right up til the very end.

    anyhoo ha. i enjoyed watching it and knowing roris work makes it that much more fun for me.



  162.  #162Starla on March 30, 2014 at 7:23 pm

    Hi Sirens,
    So… I’m in a relationship with a great man who is tall and handsome and successful and motivated and masculine and generous and affectionate and interesting and open and adventurous and protecting and to make it all even better, he was my close friend for many years to start:). We’ve been dating since last summer and going strong as an exclusive couple since the beginning of this year. I never thought in a million years I would end up with him, but he is truly the best boyfriend I’ve ever had.
    Just wanted to share the nice update,
    Starla



  163.  #163Kee on March 31, 2014 at 1:48 pm

    Dear Rori,

    Please give me some advice on where I am going wrong. I tend to have a lot of guys who show me that they are interested in me, however don’t ask me out. Why?



  164.  #164Rori Raye on March 31, 2014 at 10:15 pm

    Kee – Get my ebook – and then talk to one of my Certified Coaches. They’ll be able to help you by seeing you on Skype, talking to you – you’ll get your answers, and a new way of doing things very quickly. Love, Rori



  165.  #165Rori Raye on April 5, 2014 at 5:29 pm

    Starla – Brava to YOU!!! Please, we’d love to hear how the relationship changed for you….! Love, Rori



  166.  #166Suzanne on April 20, 2014 at 12:05 pm

    I did some things at the beginning of my relationship to break my boyfriend’s trust because of my own fears and now he doesn’t know what to do, because he can’t get it out of his head and he is afraid to trust me again. We are broken up at the moment but we both still love each other and our hearts are breaking. Is there anything I can do to show him that I will never be dishonest with him again? He feels that dishonesty is as bad as cheating. I have apologized and promised to be absolutely 100% honest and truthful from now on, but obviously these are just words to him and nothing can prove that beyond time. I would appreciate any advice you can give me. I have never loved a man as much as this one, and he is an amazing wonderful boyfriend, and we had both envisioned ourselves being together forever, and I am afraid I have ruined it now.

    Thank you



  167.  #167Rori Raye on April 21, 2014 at 3:05 pm

    Suzanne – I’ve deleted your last name for your privacy – and telling the truth is relative. Omission – where does that fall? Betrayal – what constitutes that? All you can do is be radically honest from this moment forward – Circular Date HONESTLY, since you’re broken up and MUST move forward – and see what happens. Love, Rori