Relationship Advice From a Man: How To Be Feminine With a Man and Qualify Him

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relationship adviceThis guest post (and, for me – great, simple dating and relationship advice) is from a comment here by Jason Miller. He’s referring to comments on the Why He Disappeared post – specifically Gidget’s (comment #79) – where she says “And it is because i treat men just like i treat women” – Lucy’s (#87) – and Erika’s:

“Gidget makes a good point about over-analyzing men. When I have coached men around dating issues in the past, much of their problem has to do with “being in their heads” too much. They are thinking too much and not feeling their masculinity. They disassociate from their bodies to prevent them from feeling and being in the moment. Women do this too at the expense of cutting themselves off from their femininity, intuition, and natural power. Anything a woman can do to ground herself and connect with her own body will make her more attractive and empowered to make good decisions for herself.

Now, this is only half of the equation. The modern man and woman must re-learn courtship strategies that have been core to our species since we walked upright on two legs. The industrial revolution, equal rights movement of the 60′s, and outrageous advances in technology have interfered dramatically with our ability to connect and commit in meaningful ways. Our culture changes at internet speeds now. We have blown everything up and now we’re totally lost and confused. We have to recreate everything in a whole new way.

Here’s the basic courtship strategy for the woman who wants to attract a man who primarily operates in his masculine energy. Put yourself out there and flirt. Present your feminine side first in all social situations. Be girly. Men will approach. Your job is to screen them to see how grounded they are in their masculinity and ability to commit, among other traits. Test their leading abilities and if they fail, discard them. You are never obligated to proceed farther with any man you don’t want to. And you can test them forever if you want to. Keep your boundaries and values INTACT. These are the things you should not compromise. But don’t be uncompromising toward the man in front of you. He’s a human being too. Appreciate him for who he is even if he’s not the one for you.

Note from Rori: Jason is a friend of Erika Awakening‘s (that’s how he found us here) – and this next part is about her. I’m leaving it in because he’s using her as an example – and the part about “mixing up energies” won’t make sense unless I do.  You can find Erika’s comments on the same post, along with Gidget and Lucy and so many other fabulous comments…

Erika teaches empathy and she’s right about how effective it is. We’ve forgotten it as a culture. One thing you should know about Erika. She is the ONLY woman I know who is fully engaged in this strategy. She is congruently feminine in her relationships with men. All other women I know are mixing up their masculine and feminine energy in some way and creating unsatisfactory results.

Some of you have mentioned these behaviors already: interviewing men on dates, initiating contact with them to keep things moving, leading when you should be seeing if the man steps up to lead, etc. You’re thinking too much and you’re trying to control the outcome using your head, your logical mind, your ego, YOUR MASCULINE SIDE!! Let the man do that and see what happens. Stay connected to yourself and rely on your intuition more. It’s in there.”

I’m not even going to comment on this – I think it’s great, specific advice.

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1Jason Miller on September 2, 2010 at 11:13 am

    Thank you very much, Rori! I should go back an post it on my blog to make it an official cross post.

  2.  #2Nikita on September 2, 2010 at 11:35 am


    I agree %100 about you cross posting this with your blog 🙂

  3.  #3faubourg on September 2, 2010 at 11:57 am

    I would love to see the men come to me, i feel so invisible,

    i am very uncomfortable with waiting it feels like nothing will ever happen, i am so feeling like doing sthg, searching for men, looking for men, it is like a urge, i need to reprogram myself to stop that and be sure that they will come, they will come,

    i am going out tomorrow night and saturday night, i will see what happens…

    i find it difficult to qualify them

  4.  #4faubourg on September 2, 2010 at 11:58 am

    i am very uncomfortable with waiting it feels like nothing will ever happen, i am so feeling like doing sthg, searching for men, looking for men, it is like a urge, i need to reprogram myself to stop that and be sure that they will come, they will come,

    i am going out tomorrow night and saturday night, i will see what happens…

    i find it difficult to qualify them

  5.  #5Jacqueline on September 2, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    @ Jason…wow congrats on getting your voice out here so quickly!!!

    waves hello….

  6.  #6Jacqueline on September 2, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    Hi!! OMGosh, I just interviewed Scott McKay and wow, he’s AMAZING!!!

    Echoed Jason and Rori on femininity….but had so much more to say on relationships – he has his stuff, his wife has a program and they have a couples site…

    Anyway, his first rule was you HAVE to be in a place where you really LIKE men. ergo, no resentments, issues, etc. from that relationship gone bad….

    And, he calls Circular Dating NOT PUA for women….grin….but smart use of your time.

    I am so absolutely overwhelmed by him….

  7.  #7Jacqueline on September 2, 2010 at 12:53 pm

    ps….he says contrary to what all the late nite infomercials say, no man alive thinks a woman with six pack abs is sexy!!! ha ha

    AND his bottom line focus is on having a cornerstone belief system for yourself! LOVE it!!!!

    So, he wanted to know why I wasn’t interviewing his wife and her woman’s programs….and I said, cuz all the women HAVE the women’s programs, and noone’s listening to what the men are telling the men!

    It’s gonna be the BEST friday interview ever, philosophical, insightful, mythological, everything.

    4 pages of notes to go decipher….

    Happy day, all!

  8.  #8Jason Miller on September 2, 2010 at 2:18 pm

    7: Jacqueline

    Scot McKay is an awesome dude and I like his material.

    “ps….he says contrary to what all the late nite infomercials say, no man alive thinks a woman with six pack abs is sexy!!! ha ha”

    Actually, I do. I must be dead. 🙂 But to be with a lean fitness woman like that in real life is very intimidating to me. 🙂

  9.  #9Daria on September 2, 2010 at 2:30 pm

    what about a woman with a soft belly… hehe who bellydances and has a tummy piercing…

    i am such a dork

    so this dude from my past who effed me over now has money and wants to buy me tickets to Toronto! I FEEL EXCITED! I FEEL SO DIVA! I Am embracing my diva side.

    i love it when men get money! its about time! I feel excited for the men’s $ revolution

  10.  #10Jason Miller on September 2, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    I love belly dancers. An excellent field of study for a woman who wants to better connect with her femininity and sexuality and celebrate it. Big turn on.

  11.  #11Daria on September 2, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    he is serious. he wants me to come right now. lol. i feel flattered and judgemental of myself for being vain.

    i am so vain.

  12.  #12Frenchkitty on September 2, 2010 at 3:02 pm

    Hello Rori and everyone,

    thanks for including this, I like the concept of masculine and feminine energy. I will try to keep this in mind in the coming days and weeks and let you know if it has any positive effects, either on me or the complicated “man in my life but not”.

    I’ve been watching your blogs and getting your newsletters for about 2 weeks now, after two months of hardly any contact (following a row) from him who I will call MC (Monsieur Catastrophe – not just because of the grief he’s caused me but also because he literally breaks everything, from my wine glasses and my windscreen to my heart). Two months of utter misery, but useful in the sense that I’ve had lots of time to think about whether I really want this walking disaster area in my life. Well, I came to the conclusion that I do, because I feel that we have a connection that hasn’t been fully explored. And because I love him, goddammit.

    We had agreed to be just friends again – this is how we started out, but very quickly things got sexual and mildly romantic and complicated. Just to give you some background: I left my husband after 18 years of marriage, and just as I’d gotten up the courage to leave home and start afresh, MC – who I had known for almost 2 years, and who had been coming onto me in more or less subtle ways since the day I first met him – became my friend with benefits. This was perfect for me. I had my first taste of freedom since I married aged 19, and I wasn’t looking for an exclusive relationship. Someone to party with and shag was exactly what I needed. And it worked well for a while. We got very close, and then he’d run, and return, and we’d start over… None of which would have bothered me if he’d given me enough sex (we did have sex at fairly regular intervals, but not enough to satisfy my appetite). He couldn’t, he reckoned. Not me, not anyone, and it was his problem not mine, and we were just friends after all and if I wanted to have sex with someone else he would understand but he didn’t want to know about it. (If we were just friends, why would it matter?).
    Anyway, much to my own surprise I didn’t want to do it with anyone else. Still don’t. He’s in my heart, he’s in my head, and I want him to be in ME, too. Dammit – just as I’d decided to take a break from love – and although I’m still not sure if I want to give up my own freedom again – that old devil had found me again.
    At one time he agreed to see a sexologist to sort his problem out, but then decided it wasn’t the right time to deal with it. Later, shortly before our latest separation, he told me that it had all to do with lack of trust and not because of anything I’d done (although now I wonder… obviously I wasn’t using the right tools to inspire trust!) but because he’d been hurt in two other relationships, one of which led him to a suicide attempt, and therefore he couldn’t trust any woman, basta. He never wanted to be in a relationship again. And yet… it had always been him that had gotten into romantic mode first, not me.

    So to cut this long story short, two months of agonizing about it, and realising at the end of it that I still want him in my life and have to turn this story around (if I don’t try I know I’ll regret it for the rest of my life), I started to scour the internet for advice and stumbled across this site. Ever the sceptic, I also checked out some others but this one was the only one that offered any free advice at all. Worth a try, I figured, and have been trying to order the ebook ever since, but the system won’t accept my French credit card.
    Nevertheless, I decided to take the morsels of free advice and try them out at the next opportunity.

    Which came today. I’m afraid a little bit of normal talk and some questions were necessary after all the time that had elapsed. The answers weren’t what I was looking for – just friends again. MC was in defensive mode. I caught myself though, I think, and started to concentrate on talking about my feelings. Or one feeling, actually. I said, “I’m very afraid right now. I’m shaking.” “I know”, he said. I didn’t have to elaborate on the why or what of, but his attitude changed very quickly. From “we can still see each other from time to time” he went to “we can see each other more often” and “I will be in town next week”. “Never” became “never say never”. I took his hand and he held mine for quite a long time, and when I asked for a hug he put his arms around me for quite a while too. This may seem like nothing – but he has a major problem with touch and being touched, which has been a constant bone of contention between us ever since this “relationship but not” started. We parted having agreed to start from scratch – by spending time together as friends and getting to know each other, without any pressure and without any promises, from either side. Somehow we had forgotten about that, in the endless heady whirl of partying and drinking and gambling and drugs that we had gotten caught up in. MC had a massive alcohol problem, but stopped drinking the day after our last big fallout. So I think it will be a journey of discovery.

    I know that’s a long way from the relationship I want (which isn’t necessarily marriage – God forbid, I’m nt even divorced yet! – or even exclusivity, but it is romantic and it is certainly sexual) – but then it’s very early days. He’s back from outer space and maybe now I can stop crying at night. So keep sending me your tips, Rori, there is obviously something in it. Any other way I can get that ebook?

    If anyone reading this cares to comment, please do. It’s easy to get locked into compulsive thinking and a fresh perspective always helps.

    Have a great day, all you sirens and goddesses!

  13.  #13Lucy on September 2, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    Go Daria!!! Woohoo!!

  14.  #14Lucy on September 2, 2010 at 4:15 pm

    I love belly dancing. I love my hip scarf that jingle jangles when I rock and swirl my hips. 🙂

  15.  #15Lucy on September 2, 2010 at 4:16 pm

    I’m gonna dress as a gypsy for the Ren Faire this year. So fun!!!! 🙂

  16.  #16Lucy on September 2, 2010 at 4:17 pm

    Too bad WH doesn’t know what he’s missing. There’s plenty of beer and wine there, too. 🙂

  17.  #17Lucy on September 2, 2010 at 4:21 pm

    Here’s to Jason no longer being intimidated by real life women with 6 pack abs! Go Jason!!! Let’s go Jason let’s go!!! Let’s go Jason let’s go!!! (That’s cheerleader chanting in case you couldn’t tell. 🙂 )

    My sister has six pack abs and believe me, she’s nothing to be intimidated by.

  18.  #18Jilly on September 2, 2010 at 5:20 pm

    Lucy…I didn’t realize at first but then I remembered after you mentioned it that you lose interest after sex….I kind of wish I had that problem

  19.  #19Jacqueline on September 2, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    @ Jason….that’s funny cuz he said that specifically in my asking about feminine appearance, ala our email yesterday. So you don’t find “cut” abs which would also probably mean cut arms, legs, etc. too masculine? I like the more accepting belly dance vision in floating veils and ankle bells….


  20.  #20Jacqueline on September 2, 2010 at 6:25 pm

    oh, and Lucy he didn’t say they were intimidating more like they weren’t sexy….he said so much I’m gonna 2 part it – ha! I was needing shorthand!

    He was talking about vs. what sells: ergo men tell themselves that what women want is things THEY think women want – the success, the car, the body….

    and he was also very intrigued that I wanted to interview him….took him a little while that I was/am interested in what men are telling each other while we’re all out here buying Rori’s stuff….what’s a man telling other MEN to do, be, etc.

    It’s weird that it took me even a couple of months to jump there….but shees, it’s like DUH….what is the conversation for men to find us???!!!


  21.  #21Daria on September 2, 2010 at 6:32 pm

    today I discovered that I had a liiitle belief … a lil voice that said “i am wasting my life” … and that was triggerin my boredom feeling.

    I feel so much better to remove that belief at the root
    and replace it with

    my life is meditation… (inspired by 19 man)

    that felt so good when i heard him say it.


    and i tapped on my goal in life when i told my dad it was to be happy and have fun, and i felt disapproved of, he seemed to look down on me, i felt so sad… and not seen. he thought it should be to make a difference and make my mark on the world.

    but to me the first one would probably lead to a better result on the second one,


    i feel tightened about this

    Angels can you please unravel this and plant my best and most wonderous belief?

    thank you!

    ps also, i had “fun is frivoulous” i think also from my dad… ugh… that feels bad like the wrong kind of fun

    i like the awe wonder, amazement honesty and love and joy fun

  22.  #22Lucy on September 2, 2010 at 6:45 pm

    Jacqueline, I was talking about Jason – HE said he feels intimidated by them.

  23.  #23Daria on September 2, 2010 at 6:48 pm

    “I have no one to kick it with right now” … “I choose to notice all the people that want to kick it with me right now and also notice how much I enjoy kickin it by myself”

  24.  #24Jason Miller on September 2, 2010 at 7:24 pm

    OK, six pack abs on women is a very recent innovation. It just didn’t exist until women started working out and eating to lower their body fat. Very, very few women have abs that show with no effort. So it has a novelty value when I see it and therefore attractive. I don’t see it as being masculine or feminine per se. It’s just low body fat percentage. The shape of her skeleton still shows femininity. I know it might sound contradictory on my part.

    What’s intimidating is that I don’t have a six pack so to be with a woman who does highlights that I’m not as hardcore and fitness and diet as she is. She’s an elite at fitness and lean body mass and I’m fit, but look much more average.

  25.  #25Kimberly on September 2, 2010 at 7:32 pm

    Well done.

  26.  #26Buttery on September 2, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    What to do if a guy wants to move to live closer to me? We live almost an hour’s drive apart, and have been dating over 3 months. Today on the phone he said he wanted to move closer to me so that we could see each other more often (like, every day). He also suggested that I could move to his town instead. But I told him it would feel like I’m uprooting myself.

    I was somewhat taken aback when he started talking like this, and felt a bit of panic and fear. I didn’t know how to respond. Hello, trigger.

  27.  #27Jason Miller on September 2, 2010 at 8:11 pm

    25: Buttery

    Your reaction is valid. After only three months of dating he suddenly thinks an hour’s drive is too much. To me this feels like neediness on his part and I think you feel it too. Notice how he even led first by offering to move TOWARD you! My concern is that he’s prioritizing you over the rest of his life! Tell me if I’m on track with this reasoning.

    No real advice from me other than keep listening to your body and your intuition. I think deep down you know what’s going on.

  28.  #28Jilly on September 2, 2010 at 8:18 pm

    ok…i feel really really bad…sailor man and I were supposed to go on a date tonight and he texted me this morning and then I didn’t hear from him all day and I had a bad feeling all day and finally at 740 I did text him to see if he was on his way…no response…and then I texted…um I feel weird and confused and that feels bad to me..I’m trying not to jump to conclusions but it’s kind of hard not to.

    then he texted me that a kid got hurt at practice and he had to get him to the hospital and then he would be on his way. sorry

    then he called at 9 and said he just got to the hospital…and was going to go talk to the parents and the kid he didn’t sound good…

    i want to believe him but I feel like he is lying for some reason…I have no reason to believe that other than I felt “off” all day but I thought it was from bossman…I thought he triggered me all day…

    I feel really bad…it’s amazing to me how I can bounce from so happy to so sad soooooo FAST!!!

    I need to be the strongest anchor I can right now

    does anybody have any insight?????

  29.  #29Jilly on September 2, 2010 at 8:26 pm

    I feel so angry

  30.  #30Jilly on September 2, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    anybody…somebody?????? I wish I could cry about it…I feel numb

  31.  #31Jacqueline on September 2, 2010 at 8:52 pm

    hey, Jilly….I think your “gut” always knows in a mystical way, but then I also thing we need to give the man the benefit of the doubt. Just go to sleep, and tomorrow it will all play itself out. I’ve totally been there, esp. when my last boyfriend had a triple bypass…the next three YEARS were all about me panicing every time something screwed up the schedule…..and it felt awful!!!!

    It’s a slow nite on the board, or more people would be writing you…..I hope you feel better and get some rest!


  32.  #32Jilly on September 2, 2010 at 9:03 pm

    Thanks Jacqueline…I appreciate your response…I will feel better tomorrow…I do want to give him the benefit of the doubt…it’s just such a bad feeling!!

  33.  #33Jilly on September 2, 2010 at 9:07 pm

    I totally get triggered when I think/feel a man backing off…I guess we all do…

  34.  #34Jilly on September 2, 2010 at 9:09 pm

    I don’t recall a man ever backing off until this year…go figure…I have always been the one to end the relationship until this year when I was dating someone serious after 4 months and he backed off and didn’t have any idea about anchoring…that is what this feels like…him backing off but a totally different guy in every way

  35.  #35Jilly on September 2, 2010 at 9:11 pm

    so I think that my gut feeling might be me remembering “oh ya, I remember this feeling and the outcome too”

  36.  #36Brenda on September 3, 2010 at 7:40 am


    Thank you for sharing with us! Excellent!

  37.  #37Lizzie on September 3, 2010 at 7:49 am

    Jilly, be the anchor. My experience is that a guy who has a date, will show up. An accident with a kid….that will take first prize all the time. Take the time to work through the NVs – it might be affecting you as well because you like this guy and are feeling the fear associated with the 4-month guy. Lean back, don’t pick up the oars.

  38.  #38Brenda on September 3, 2010 at 7:59 am

    Bill just IMed me that everyone at work is bailing on lunch out today. I wrote back, “I feel disappointed :-(” and he wrote back a sad face too :-(.

    I wish he would have just gone with me. But oh, God forbid that he go on a date with Brenda! Horrors!

    Okay, I feel really sad, so I guess that equates into a lil angry. Why doesn’t he just go with me? I hope I get a different job, because I’d really like to test my theory that he’s only holding off because we’re coworkers. I wonder if he’d ask me out for a normal, away-from-work, one-on-one date then?

    I feel like a monster the way he doesn’t ask me out. I’m going to go out anyway, by myself.

  39.  #39Brenda on September 3, 2010 at 8:00 am

    Should I say anything else to him? I guess not. **Pouts**

  40.  #40Brenda on September 3, 2010 at 8:26 am

    This is bringing up a whole new pile of shame and pain from all my life where it seemed every other woman could have a normal man and a normal relationship but men seem to avoid me like I’ve got a disease.

    I know that’s not happening here, but I feel tears coming to my eyes thinking about going out to eat for lunch…yet again…yet I know that if I just go to the company cafeteria, I am going to feel worse yet. I was flying high all last night anticipating lunch out with the group…AND BILL…today. ***Sigh!***

    It’s like there’s some kind of barrier between men and me, and that’s how it’s felt all my life. I am steadily removing that barrier with the wonderful advice of Rori, but all that old pain is just under the surface.

    I felt amazed when Ryan started dating me last year, and he kept showing up, day after day. Talk about limiting beliefs! Each night when he left, I didn’t expect him to call me again, because that was my track record for men to whom I was attracted. Only the nerds and jerks would come back, because I was a softie.

    Cognitively, I understand that if Bill went out with just me, everyone at work would KNOW. So he HAD to cancel.

    I guess it is old stuff here. It isn’t about this situation. It’s about me feeling inferior because my past lack of social skills scared men away.

    Why did Ryan keep showing up? Because with his schizophrenia, at times he would behave very inappropriately. Even tho he was well-raised and had superior social skills as a whole, he knew what it felt like to embarrass himself in public and feel rejected. So he kept accepting me and overlooking my faux pas again and again. He told me repeatedly he wasn’t worried about that. He was just interested in my beautiful heart. He told me many time I have a heart of gold, and that meant so much to me.

    So why do I still feel like crying? I guess I’m mourning all the lost, wasted years.

    And, I am still being alone and lonely, because I’m weary of going everywhere alone and resorting to imagining a wonderful man in front of me.

    I might join another paid dating site today for plus size women, yet I feel fear when I think about meeting new men. There are so many pathetic losers out there who don’t know how to treat a lady. I don’t want to be seen as 2nd class because I am not slender and athletic right now. I have a fear that any man on a plus size dating site is a pervert looking for cheap sex.

    Off for my lonely lunch break… 🙁

  41.  #41Brenda on September 3, 2010 at 8:29 am

    I think I ultimately sabotaged it with Ryan, because I couldn’t believe he would stick around. So I texted the relationship to death.

    I feel bad about that. It makes me want to hate myself. I love my bad feelings and self-hatred. I love my loneliness. I love my limiting beliefs. I love my aloneness and the strength it has borne.

    I love my insight and steady, powerful growth that this lack in my life has led me to, thru Rori, and Christian Carter. I love my new friends all over the world who I met on the blog.

    Someday when I marry, and I will invite you all to my wedding, I will say it was worth it all!

  42.  #42Daria on September 3, 2010 at 10:05 am

    Brenda – Hugs! great job on your processing. Maybe when you get a chance let those tears flow.. i LOVE crying now, because I can feel it unburdening. Something unkinked in my emotional system, and now crying feels lovely precious and kind.

    I had leaned forward a copule days ago and texted 19 “miss you”. I just felt compelled to do this so much — I was missing him sooo omuch. So I experimented. I got no answer and forgot I even did it!

    today I woke up with a text from him:

    We’ll kick it tough — means a lot— when I come back and make sure you master your games — LSAT prep — so you can pass your test



  43.  #43Daria on September 3, 2010 at 10:07 am

    Last nite i went to my girl’s house, and my ex showed up — as usual, he now kicks it at her house everyday —

    and when he got drunk and started making side comments about me, bitches, and hoes

    I felt awful and angry and did not hide it, i said i was upset, i had her take me home.

    yup. I LEFT.

    In the past I would’ve numbed out my angry and sad feelings and kept kicking it … because “that’s just him”

    but now I treat myself Mejor!!

  44.  #44Daria on September 3, 2010 at 10:14 am

    I’m feeling really angry remembering how he was treating BEFORE I even got with his friend!

    He freakin kept calling me his stripper to where his friends actually got the impression I was, he KICKED ME OUT OF HIS HOUSE at 4 in the morning after we had sex because I wouldn’t have anal sex with him… ok he would have let me stay probably… but eff that… he told me to leave!

    he didnt offer to give me his phone to use when I lost mine… tho i asked for it, he said he’ll think about it

    he kept asking me for rides everywhere

    he got drunk and hit on my friend in front of me, then got drunk and threw me against the car

    umm… and the usual, always making comments about girls on TV – I remember Rori and asking about this years ago,

    and treating me as a friend, not much affection


    i don’t like it

    I’m so smart and good for taking good care of me!

    Last time I was on the phone with my girl, he was there, he took it out her hands and started talking… nicely…

    he basically only “fucks it up” when he’s drunk, but now he drinks everyday

    so i feel tight and sad

    and totally unheard

  45.  #45Daria on September 3, 2010 at 10:14 am

    I’m feeling really angry remembering how he was treating BEFORE I even got with his friend!

    He freakin kept calling me his stripper to where his friends actually got the impression I was, he KICKED ME OUT OF HIS HOUSE at 4 in the morning after we had sex because I wouldn’t have anal sex with him… ok he would have let me stay probably… but eff that… he told me to leave!

    he didnt offer to give me his phone to use when I lost mine… tho i asked for it, he said he’ll think about it

    he kept asking me for rides everywhere

    he got drunk and hit on my friend in front of me, then got drunk and threw me against the car

    umm… and the usual, always making comments about girls on TV – I remember Rori and asking about this years ago,

    and treating me as a friend, not much affection


    i don’t like it

    I’m so smart and good for taking good care of me!

    Last time I was on the phone with my girl, he was there, he took it out her hands and started talking… nicely…

    he basically only “fuc%ks it up” when he’s drunk, but now he drinks everyday

    so i feel tight and sad

    and totally unheard

  46.  #46Daria on September 3, 2010 at 10:17 am

    My friend says she cant understand how I did it for so long.

    It seems like we really “switched’ just like we’re tlaking about that nite.

    I am now “getting with” his friend, cding

    and she is now “kickin it” with my ex… just like he used to kick it with me… constantly… but they’re not dating romantically

  47.  #47Daria on September 3, 2010 at 10:18 am

    He told her son in front of me

    Dude, Don’t ever hook your girl up with your friend. You hear me?

    Aww… I felt good and touched and melted hearing this

    But then my melting felt unheard and I felt bad.

  48.  #48Brenda on September 3, 2010 at 10:28 am


    I really appreciate your encouragement! Thank you!

    I am glad you left when he was abusing you. He is not worthy of you.

  49.  #49Daria on September 3, 2010 at 10:38 am

    Yeah, I kinda had a slight rememberance of feeling guilty that I’m being “so uptight” but it was like a faded memory.

    I knew that I did not want to tolerate feeling bad more tahn i wanted to kick it.

  50.  #50Brenda on September 3, 2010 at 10:40 am

    This situation also reminds me of Ryan’s fake proposal. I felt so happy and proud, and his generous hints left me feeling like a proposal was imminent. I was telling friends I am on the verge of being engaged.

    I felt so ashamed and embarrassed when he tricked me and shamed me and hurt me to the core. Then I was left feeling hollow and in excruciating pain and had to add to that pain the embarrassment of going back and telling the friends it didn’t happen. Then everyone enjoys their I-told-you-so attitudes, saying stuff like, “I told you to be careful. I didn’t have a good feeling about him. I was trying to warn you so you wouldn’t get your heart broken. I wish you had stayed away from him.”

    I feel embarrassed coming on here day after day for months like it’s a big story that Bill and I are attracted to each other but nothing ever happens. Like some 16 year old high schooler who doesn’t have any bigger news than, “He talked to me today! Whooptie-thrill!” Finally he asks me to a restaurant, even tho it was with the group, and even that gets flopped.

    Yeah, i can’t let the tears flow right now, because I’m at work. But they are in my eyes. I love my embarrassment. I love my shame. I love my pain. I love my tears. I love my lonely heart.

    I don’t normally listen to country music, but I heard an awesome one on the radio sung by Montgomery Gentry while I was out to lunch just now:


    (Jeffrey Steele, Chris Wallen)

    I’m tired of spinning my wheels
    I need to find a place where my heart can go to heal
    I need to get there pretty quick
    Hey, mister, what you got out on that lot
    You can sell me in a pinch
    Maybe one of them supped-up muscle cars
    The kind that makes you think you’re stronger than you are
    Color don’t matter, no, I don’t need leather seats
    All that really concerns me is

    How fast will it go
    Can it get me over her quickly, zero to sixty
    Can it outrun her memory
    Yeah, what I really need is an open road
    And a whole lot of speed

    I’d like to trade in this old truck
    Cuz it makes me think of her and then just slows me up
    See, it’s the first place we made love
    Where we used to sit and talk on the tailgate all night long
    But now she’s gone
    And I need to move on
    So give me

    How fast will it go
    Can it get me over her quickly, zero to sixty
    Can it outrun her memory
    Yeah, what I really need is an open road
    And a whole lot of speed

    Throw me them keys so I can put some miles between us
    Tear off that rearview mirror, there’s nothing left to see
    Let me lean on that gas cuz she catches up fast
    So give me

    How fast will it go
    Can it get me over her quickly, zero to sixty
    Can it outrun her memory
    Yeah, what I really need is an open road
    And a whole lot of speed
    That’s what I need

    I’m tired of spinnin’ my wheels
    I’m tired of spinnin’ my wheels

  51.  #51Daria on September 3, 2010 at 10:51 am

    I feel excited cuz yesterday I felt good to “learn about the world” with a different CD who wanted me to watch this interesting movie with him!

    so I feel excited that I am now going to start having, deep, fulfilling conversations with everyone, not just 19

  52.  #52Brenda on September 3, 2010 at 10:54 am

    Daria, I’m glad you heard from 19. He sounds like a good man.

    How can I get rid of this yucky feeling? It’s not a true story, the one that I’m unloveable and rejectable.

    I am a new woman now, and I have worked hard on myself for 1 yr 4 months with Rori’s and Christian’s programs and now on the blog. I am not the same person anymore. Now my social skills are above average, and I know what to do and say and how to do and say it in most situations.

    I don’t need to feel rejected and alone anymore. I don’t need to be alone anymore. I can have as many men as I choose by my side. Why am I holding back?

    Fear. I want to let go of the fear. I love you, fear, because you keep me safe from users and losers. But you are not serving me right now. I want to date, and I mean I want to circular date and you are standing in the way so f*ck off.

    Go eat a cookie because I am going to meet men this weekend. I know you are trying to stop me but you can’t because I am in control of my life, not you. Leave me alone, you big dummy. I don’t want you right now. I only want you around when I am being abused, to caution me.

    Right now I am safe and I am following Rori’s instructions and they work and circular dating is da bomb and I’m going circular dating. See ya!

    I feel happy that I am going on 50 dates this weekend. LOL! No, not really! Of course not really! But maybe I’ll make it my goal to meet 50 men! I will go to bookstores, church meetings, parks, and wherever else and smile and say hi to at least 50 men! And I will feel confident doing it because fear is busy in the corner leaving me alone.

    Ha! Gotcha! And I will jobhunt, too, so I can separate my friendship with Bill from my job. And Bill won’t exist this weekend because he won’t be in front of me. I don’t need to be attached to the outcum because God has a special man just for me, and he will show up and step up at the right time.

  53.  #53Daria on September 3, 2010 at 11:15 am

    Brenda – don’t try to get rid of it. Say hi to it. Embrace it. Sink into it.

    Tell the voice, feeling this — i memorized it from Rori and it To my great Surprise… helped me back when I used to date this ex same one and would have to walk off crying and hugging myself —

    I hear you and I love you. Thank you for trying to protect me. I embrace you. And I’m going on with doing what feels good, and what makes me bigger and happier, so I can have more love and compassion to share with you and with the world. And I won’t abandon you. I promise.

    Then after you say that to yourself you will feel a lil bit better.


    Also you can try EFT.


    Also try sinking into the physical feeling, then telling it you love it, and how does THAT – loving the old feeling – feel? this process usually feels like melting body parts to me…

  54.  #54Daria on September 3, 2010 at 11:16 am

    Brenda – AACK! Don’t say hi! to them first. Look smile and hold eye contact — thrilling! scary! whoosh… I am blushing just now… babystepping my way thru this one for real!

  55.  #55Daria on September 3, 2010 at 11:17 am

    I see you got the processing thing down yourself.


    i am excited.

    I am today going to spend some important time,.. instead of practicing mastering problems…

    I intend to hypnotize myself to solve them accurately and withihn the time limit consistently


  56.  #56Jacqueline on September 3, 2010 at 11:21 am

    Hi ladies….Brenda I am sorry – in my mind I kind of thought of Bill as practice only, since the work thing was a big elephant in the room. Dates of any kind absolutely suck. This might not feel good, but if it were imaginary well, you’re better off knowing. Sigh…there ARE other fish….

    that’s what Scot McKay was telling me – I’ve got to type it all out, but basically believe there are good men and find the one and don’t try to put a square peg into a round hole….although when I re-wrote that one I kind of squeeed….Bill is a square peg!!!

    shoutout Daria!

  57.  #57Jacqueline on September 3, 2010 at 11:22 am

    Rollcall – -where is Dorothea, LG, Knocksoftly, Tina, Tinque, Mercedes, Jennifer…..has everyone left the room? Esp. Knocksoftly….after the sharing, I hope she didn’t just dissapear!

  58.  #58Daria on September 3, 2010 at 11:36 am

    mmm… just got melted by painting myself with love a la rori

    i choose to notice my gracefulness

    really liked reading the letter

    it feels good when i think of him never ever wanting to step away

    and being blown away

    by me

    i feel afraid

    i love my fear like strong winds

  59.  #59Daria on September 3, 2010 at 11:51 am

    what does a fairy do all day?

    this one is tapped into super galactic space ship technology and scrys the heavens for wowed information and stories

    then she smokes

    then she feels lonelly — love you!

    then she babysteps to allowing the people who Want to kick it with her in, while saying no to what behavior doesn’t feel good

  60.  #60Brenda on September 3, 2010 at 11:54 am


    Thank you! That guidance helps a lot! I also like what you said, “I feel my fear like strong winds”. I love strong winds! I feel alive in strong winds, and I feel my strength then.

    I watched Al Roker today in NC on the Today Show totally bracing himself in the strong winds of Uncle Earl.

    A picture of rest and strength is a robin securely nesting in the fork of a tree…between two thundering waterfalls!!

  61.  #61Brenda on September 3, 2010 at 11:56 am


    I don’t see Bill as just practice. He is a very high quality man. I truly believe he is just stepping softly because he wants to keep his job. I respect that. I would never want to see him get fired on account of me.

  62.  #62Brenda on September 3, 2010 at 11:58 am


    Oh, that’s right, don’t say hi. Smile and 5 second deep gazing eye contact! Yes, i can do that!

    Embrace the nasty voices and bad feelings. Feel them. Let them be there with me and I am still okay. I don’t need to block them out. I feel them. I let the tears flow.

    It feels good to be more in control.

  63.  #63Brenda on September 3, 2010 at 11:59 am

    I REALLLLLLLLLLLY like this:

    I hear you and I love you. Thank you for trying to protect me. I embrace you. And I’m going on with doing what feels good, and what makes me bigger and happier, so I can have more love and compassion to share with you and with the world. And I won’t abandon you. I promise.

    Hmmm…wise words to say to my over-protective Mom, too! LOL!

  64.  #64Daria on September 3, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Brenda – do you have a picture of that Robin?

  65.  #65Ragnell on September 3, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    I don’t know exactly what is meant by presenting my feminine side first. Does that mean I have to hide parts of who I really am? I am naturally mainly feminine, because I am a a woman, but I also like taking charge of things and making my own decisions. I don’t think it is fair to call these traits “masculine”.
    It feels unfair and limiting. It is like wearing a mask. How do I make a man fall in love with all of my sides, both feminine and masculine?

  66.  #66Daria on September 3, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    ohhh… i just did a hypnosis relaxation thing … and


    i noticed when i feel pleased with myself, and i would feel shame like this is “bad”

    it’s actually before that, a feeling of awe, and delight

    I am feeling awed by myself. this is /GOOD. i am not “conceited” I am just often amazed by myself. yay!


    before that, I saw/ a story about my mom… reminded of the Sylvia Hartmann story of the Golden Horse…

    its like a part of, a vision fo the sould breaks away and leaves, and the ohter person is depressed… this is like the Storyteller book by LLosa too.

    And so I begged that sparkly see thru piece of my mom to come back,

    and I realized how abandoned I felt.. I cried and cried and cried..

    I understood maybe she left on a quest

    and I still found myself asking Her to come back/

    But I don’t want to hinder my mom’s journey,

    and so I tlaked to myself, my higher self, what is it here?

    and so I saw my mom’s sparkly vision come back, with a sparkly vision of me!

    She had been taking care of taht piece of me! on her journey… and they had been having fun and playing together

    this is great

  67.  #67Daria on September 3, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    i saw them come back into our bodies… and even tho i feel shaky and afraid… i love me and that i made these babysteps to feeling my feelings there!

    I wanted my mom to be happy and wanted her sparkly vision to come back, and found out it was me wanting her to be happy was me wanting her LOVE sooooo bad when the sparkly vision left.

    it was my pain i was feeling when i keep insisting my mom be happy.. she probably has been knowing her sparkly vision is on a journey… maybe even feeling guilty when she hears me say that because she sees my pain and feeling abadoned

    there is still shaking and crying to honor this

    i am blessed

    thank u

    i am honored thank you thank you thank you

    i am so grateful

    thank you for loving me a

    and for paying atteniont to my pain

    at alast

    thank you tahnk you tank you

    thank you God thank you

  68.  #68Brenda on September 3, 2010 at 12:42 pm


    Only in my head. And I have been that robin, for a lot of years.

    Ragnell, Rori says leave the masculine side of yourself for succeeding at your career, etc. But with a man, operate in your feminine and invite him in. It became really clear to me in Commitment Blueprint. It doesn’t mean abandon your masculine side. Just when you are with your man, relate to him out of your feminine side.

    I saw a beautiful picture of femininity yesterday at work. A beautiful young woman who is a lab supervisor attended one of our meetings at work. She was radiantly beautiful the way she wore her hair in a high ponytail and just a touch of make-up.

    She showed her personality in a delightful way, saying in a mock sassy feminine voice, “I don’t want this material to be called this! I understand why it has to be, but I want it renamed!”

    She really took charge and took her time reviewing details in a humorous, delicate, yet authoritative way.

    I was smiling sweetly when the kicker came at the end of the meeting…she ripped out her ponytail holder in one fell swoop and down cascaded a glorious head of straight, long brown hair that framed her face like a bedroom scene!

    I thot, “You go, Siren woman!” What a way to lure men! I saw her as a role model to me of femininity at work, and I do mean at work! LoL!:-)

  69.  #69Daria on September 3, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    I kept trying to “clear space, clear path” for her to come back, but she was /Her not me, and I felt kinda powerless… and sad that she wasnt coming… she didnt seem to want to come….

    andt thats when i realized i wanted her to come so bad

    for me!

    because i missed her and i felt lonely and i felt abandoned and smalllll

    ohhhhhhhhh it sound like my heart is breaking right now if you could hear the sounds im making crying

    but it feels like no pain just like good its healing up


    i want to feel it all…

    i love you mommy

    i feel ecited after these tears to see how good and free i feel

    and how my energy and feelings with my mom will change

    i feel so happy and excited about that yay

    my sobs are turning to gigglles

    so loud…

    omg i want to feel safe to do this emotional work around others too

  70.  #70Daria on September 3, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    as in, crying out loud.. it feels a lot slower to come out around others, family, man… etc… i want to feel free to feel my feelings everywhere, and not slow down the flow… i feel the swelll of honor/indignation mmmm… i love you power.. i hear u sing and sweel like nile floods

  71.  #71Daria on September 3, 2010 at 12:53 pm

    i now feel “set and strong” like riding at the front of a chariot…
    what kinda feeling is that.. with set serious face, with wind, with power?

    powerful? strong? proud? honoroed?! rock. stone.. hard. wise… reverend.

    like a mountaind. very important. very powerful.

    the yet unnamed feeling of power. of being a dragon or a mountain or an old man who makes lighting with his eye flash

  72.  #72Daria on September 3, 2010 at 1:01 pm

    Brenda – I feel curious about this Robin and I want to see a picture of what you mean with the robin!

  73.  #73Daria on September 3, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    Brenda I havent found a picture of it yet… but I did find a cute bollocks bird that got wet!! hehe! i feel sooo “awwww” and drawn in to hug that fluffly wet thing!

  74.  #74Lizzie on September 3, 2010 at 1:12 pm

    I have a date tonight with twin #2. The funny thing – he sent me an eH email this morning to confirm and give me his cell number. I noticed the email was 5:30 AM! for crying out loud! so I sent him this note saying “Delighted! And, I am not going to even ask why you were thinking of me at 5:30 this morning; I shall just trust in the process and be totally appreciating the thought.”

    I got the cutest note back – and then I realized that the system converts EST to Pacific time – OMG that is so funny.

    And then! I got an email from Twin #1 asking for a golf date!! OMFG….now what??????

  75.  #75Brenda on September 3, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    Daria, what do you mean? Describe it?

  76.  #76Daria on September 3, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    Do you think the bollocks (is taht a robin… looks like it) got too close to the waterfall?



    i feel the way i feel toward my cat toward him

    like i want to nurture…


    i feel kinda squeezed actually with this feelingd… hmm…

    i feel compassion? desire to nurture, soothe, take care of…


    im gonna outgirl this Robin!

  77.  #77Daria on September 3, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    ohhh… i feel so sad seeing you wet! and a little amused! it feels funny, i feel giggly looking at you all wet… i don’t want to feel bad. what do you think?


  78.  #78Daria on September 3, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    ohhh… Brenda… click on my name to see it on my blog

  79.  #79Daria on September 3, 2010 at 1:16 pm

    Lizzie – they’re twins? kinky!

  80.  #80Daria on September 3, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    Brenda – it IS a robin. lol he’s soo cute. its gotta be the waterfall guy havin taken a dip

  81.  #81Daria on September 3, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    Brenda – I feel guilty talking about the robin bein the waterfall guy. i feel worried this will transform the power of the waterfall image… it would feel great if i could use the image of strength in waterfall … and Add to that the image of the cuteness of stumbling, getting wet, yet just like th bullocks, looking cute and adorable, totally safe , and wet and shaking it off to dry again! its “nothin!!!”

    now maybe i can dip in the waterfalls myself weee

  82.  #82Lizzie on September 3, 2010 at 1:33 pm

    not real twins – same name, same age, same city, – but hopefully twin #2 is taller. Even funnier….I think twin #1 would be a great date for my sister.

  83.  #83Brenda on September 3, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    Daria, you funny! I like the wet birdy!

  84.  #84Ragnell on September 3, 2010 at 1:44 pm

    Well, that’s complicated, because my guy and I sometimes meet at work. I was asked to give a class to undergrads where he was also hired months before me to teach at the postgraduate level. So we are not exactly workmates but we meet at work. And sometimes he gets to watch me acting masculine with my students. I can’t hide this from him.

  85.  #85Brenda on September 3, 2010 at 1:54 pm


    That is totally appropriate for you to use your boy energy with the students when you are working! That’s terrific! Go for it!

    It only matters within your relationship, when you relate between the two of you.

    If you don’t mind my asking, what do you teach?

  86.  #86Daria on September 3, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    watching videos of oshun and yemaya and crying crying crying

    today is a day i rain

    i am fedding u mother with my tears and i receive the soft wind that touches to soothe

  87.  #87Ragnell on September 3, 2010 at 2:14 pm


    I teach how to talk, listen, read and write like a university student. It should be called “Smarting up 101”. It’s a class to turn former high school kids into decent college students. 🙂

    And my students sometimes come and ask for feedback when I’m with this special guy. Before I started teaching, my special guy already told me I sounded like a mentor. And well, sometimes that’s what I am and I’m sorry if it’s too much boy energy. I do balance it by dressing a bit more feminine when I go to work: dresses, girly floral shirts, nice earrings, heels, makeup, etc.

  88.  #88Daria on September 3, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    I’m feeling happy.. i’m feleing in tune

    i m feeling wet

  89.  #89Daria on September 3, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    i want to learn how to teach that…

    i feel squeezed trying to calibrate how to begin tutoring with students that have not “gotten the hang” of their subject … without feeling over anxious and closing the energy for them to feel supported and non judged curious

  90.  #90Daria on September 3, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    i feel like im holding a ball of kinda hot energy in my mouth… like an egg… this energy is the feeling of not being able to do that

    and now i swallowed it down with a sigh and it feels kinda bad

    melting like disappointment in a puddle on my knees with my head hanging.

    ill try that

    i feld kinda…

    tired … sleepy

    then a lil giggle came up from my chest and i felt a li bit better
    a litel more like moving and i was up again


    maybe the feeling comes froma time when i died… and i felt my lifeforce pouring out that way… mmm…

    i llove my feelings and me and my deaths and my fear and my tightening iron feeling central pole

  91.  #91Brenda on September 3, 2010 at 2:27 pm


    That’s awesome! I took a correspondence course in that once! My textbook was called, “Becoming a Master Student”. What I liked most was it talked about memory:

    “The true art of memory is the art of attention.”

    I use that often! It reminds me to pay attention! And it said learning is like creating a path in the forest. At first it is hard to break through all the trees and underbrush. But once you have the path formed, you keep it cleared by going down it often, like recalling your knowledge often. If you don’t use it, you lose it.

    Another thing I learned was when I face a task, ask myself, “Is this a piano?”

    What that means is if you are processing wood from a tree, what is the purpose of that wood? Are you going to burn it in the fireplace? Make a treehouse? Or build a piano? If a task is really important, I should take my time to do it as perfectly as possible.

    So if I’m journalling, my spelling, grammar, and punctuation don’t matter. If I’m applying for a job, I should take my time to get it right. It’s a piano.

  92.  #92Daria on September 3, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    I choose to notice the people that want to hang out with me – workS!

  93.  #93Daria on September 3, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    and i choose to notice what i enjoy about being alone…

    like crying, worshipping, EFT ing out loud, feeling honoring and safe

    how much I enjoy it

    the enjoyment itself

    how i enjoy

  94.  #94Brenda on September 3, 2010 at 3:44 pm

    Okay, this is pretty self-explanatory. Should I email this? I haven’t yet…

    Hello Bill,

    I feel weird writing what I’m about to say, but I feel uncomfortable not knowing what you think. I wonder why you distanced yourself between Thursday and Friday. I am not talking about cancelling lunch out with the group. I understand that.

    But you seemed distant, and that is what I sensed. I thought what changed between yesterday and today? Please excuse me if I make you uncomfortable by saying this, but the only thing I could think of was that I was on the phone loudly this morning talking with the help desk trying to get my name change ironed out. Just for the record, I talked loudly because when I used my “office voice”, the man on the phone said he could barely hear me. I hope you didn’t think I was trying to have you hear.

    I detest dealing with stuff like this, because inevitably, it’s a hassle, and I feel so frustrated when it can’t just be simple. So I procrastinated it since May, when I originally went thru the name change process. And I waited until a day when I could be on the phone without bothering too many people. So I spent an hour on the phone with three different people. They emailed me case closed, and my name is still MarriedName on Outlook.

    Just for the record, I was married from 2003-2006 to a man in prison, so it really was just a marriage in name only. I have never even been alone in a room with him, and I never knew him outside of prison. My divorce was final in September 2006. I didn’t change my name until last August because he convinced me to leave it MarriedName, since inmates are treated better when the staff at the prison know they have family on the outside.

    I am attaching my old and new licenses. If all this is inappropriate, please excuse me. I just don’t like to be misunderstood, and I have no clue if I am. I’m just a girl here, and I’m doing my best. What do you think?


  95.  #95tinque on September 3, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    No Brenda, please no.

  96.  #96Brenda on September 3, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    Why? I know it’s leaning forward, but is there part of it that would be appropriate to email?

  97.  #97tinque on September 3, 2010 at 4:18 pm

    Well for one, it’s TMI. For another it’s not you telling the truth. The truth is you’re feeling confused and hurt because you felt him ignoring you, and then you felt rejected because he didn’t ask you to lunch alone.
    If you really want to write him though I would firmly suggest you leave this alone, you could say to him,
    “You seem distant these past couple of days. Is there anything you want to say to me? I’m feeling confused. And I don’t wan to feel this way unnecessarily.”

  98.  #98Brenda on September 3, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    Thank you, Tinque!

  99.  #99Daria on September 3, 2010 at 4:29 pm

    “‘”I am the Crone. I feel my way along paths following the energy and warmth that others have placed here. Trusting the dark, I am guided not by light, but by the flowing movements I sense. I am like the water that follows, without sight or foreknowledge, the ancient river’s channel.”

    from a quote in a Susun Weed article

    i feel drawn in to being guided by the dark and the flowing movements i sense

    it is like the retunr to blackness poem i read about the dark being our mother

    return to the soothing darkness of energy flows

    to rest

  100.  #100Daria on September 3, 2010 at 4:30 pm

    mmm… i just cooked the best stuff for myself and ate

    i steamed dandelion greens wiht a baby bok choi and 2 carrots

    and fried an egg over easy on top

    sooo good … and good for me…

    i am preparing for my menstruation

  101.  #101Daria on September 3, 2010 at 4:39 pm

    right on Tinque for saying that!

    Brenda – did you catch yourself “in his business” totally guessing at “why he might be mad” ?

    — personally my guess is that he is not mad –

    and then “explaining” about your guess…

    and “baring your past” instead of “baring your feelings”?

    I did! This seems to be a pattern for you,

    I noticed the same in e-mails you’ve sent me where you assumed I was feeling a certain way – mad at you – and guessing way off mark — tho with a man it little matters if you guess right or wrong…

    the feminine way is to not guess at all… and share feelings…

    i feel excited that maybe you’ll catch this and do the

    STOP !

    follow my FEELINGS, choose my Words, Be Surprised mantra

  102.  #102Daria on September 3, 2010 at 4:41 pm

    not mad, distant, or whatever the guess was as to what may be going on with him.

    Rori says, STOP when you catch yourself thinking … he must be, mad, heard my conversation, thihnking about childhood issues

    and Feel my feelings, choose my words or say nothing, be surprised

  103.  #103Daria on September 3, 2010 at 4:41 pm

    I feel excited for siren Successes!

  104.  #104Daria on September 3, 2010 at 4:43 pm

    Brenda – I feel concerned that I may not have put enuf compassion in the posts and want to give you a hug now! I feel protective and supportive of you

  105.  #105mary on September 3, 2010 at 5:10 pm

    hello again.

    i’m missing all you sirens. i’ve been reading along. just listening and not having a lot to say. thinking? yes.

    i’m about to hop into a relationship with a guy. you know, exclusivity. just him and me.

    i know that it’s not circular dating, but circular dating until engagement is not a concept that most guys can grasp. especially the really masculine guys that i like. and getting physical requires exclusivity, in my opinion.

    if i go into this relationship, i risk:

    * being hurt if he backs away – BUT… I have experienced backing away before and I have survived

    * the time invested in getting to know this one guy as opposed to getting to know lots of other guys a bit – as I said, not many guys are wanting third and fourth and fifth dates unless I can be serious and consider exclusivity

    * getting into a stagnated relationship – it seems that the way out of that is a time limit (not discussed) – maybe a ball park of 6 or 8 months, even a year, and if there is no furthering of the relationship, time for CIRCULAR DATING.

    It seems like circular dating is more of a tool than a lifestyle. at first it’s a way of staying objective until you can zero in on a guy you like – and also just see what happens (so many unexpected twists and turns took place for me when i was in the thick of it!); then it’s for giving the guy the space he needs to make his decision, and creating options while he’s stalling.

    Exclusivity seems to be a necessary step before the ring. This is the way it’s working for me. We did have some discussion about the ring. I wanted to know that it was something he would consider in the future. He said yes.

    I feel like I’m in!

    I feel excited. I feel hopeful. I feel happy. I feel restful. I feel peace.

    What do you think, sirens?

  106.  #106Daria on September 3, 2010 at 5:27 pm

    Aww… i feel really sad reading Mary’s post. I choose to believe that the beliefs she wrote and seems – to me – limited by have no effect on me.

    I feel kinda angry reading that and thinking it’s true.

    I choose for it to not be true.

    I choose to see what my life as Goddess in pure love, and open to a man who chooses me, for me, and pursues me and wins me.

    I feel really angry and tingly in my legs!

    I feel furious reading this:

    “circular dating until engagement is not a concept that most guys can grasp. especially the really masculine guys that i like. and getting physical requires exclusivity, in my opinion.

    It seems like circular dating is more of a tool than a lifestyle. at first it’s a way of staying objective until you can zero in on a guy you like

    Exclusivity seems to be a necessary step before the ring”

    I feel furious hearing my Nv’s agree with this. But i’ve shown myself time and time again that men come as close as I allow them, and that everything – once i’m feeling relaxed about it – can be communicated in a way that feels resistanceless.

    I do NOT want to zero in on a guy I like. I feel so mad … and off balance… aww this feels Bad and sinky

    I feel so mad NV’s . I do not want to believe that I can’t have everything I want. I do not want another sirens’ beliefs or choices or thoughts to pull me down , i feel sad.

    I feel sure of myself I feel trusting of myself. I feel really soft, inviting and non blaming to guys lately.. m m m.

    I feel misunderstood..

    I feel confused

  107.  #107Daria on September 3, 2010 at 5:30 pm

    I feel really angry . I feel like im being “logically argued with”. This doesnt feel good.

    I don’t want to explain.

    I don’t feel comfortable to not see other men when I am not being claimed…

    I am not a servant woman, puppydoll, something you get close to … maybe.

    I require top notch behavior from the very gate. I require Goddess treatment.

    I require that a man wants me enouh to really WIN me, not get me to go backwards on the boundaries I made for myself to take care of myself.

    Hmmmfff i feel taller and lifting now. I feel important and proud.

  108.  #108Daria on September 3, 2010 at 5:30 pm

    I feel excited to see Mary babystep her way through how she feels with exclusivity.

    I feel curious about her adventures with this.

  109.  #109Daria on September 3, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    I feel bad that I may have slammed Mary with my response…

    I feel so defensive and attacked…

    and I feel a little confused, like if a man was going to talk to me about this…


    I haven’t heard from security till that time, and he did claim this was a reason he didnt want to see me anymore

    i think deeper down it was because he wasn’t prepared to support a household

    i love me

    i choose me

    i vote for me

    i choose to believe my being open to the world is a kindness to men, all men, men pursuing me.

    i am doing them a favor, and not allowing their attraction to stagnate, and my vibe from getting anxious and insecure about “where we’re at”

    hey it happened with security… faST!

    i was already thinking, ok, now what… whats the next step since we’re falling in love?

    everyday “kickin it”?

    i’m feeling ready for a family and baby now that i’ve “got you”

    i think my desire to be married and have a family would kick in pretty instantly with exclusivity. like within 24 hours

  110.  #110Daria on September 3, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    and i personally don’t WANT to be exclusive, if i don’t have to

    and if we’re not ready for those steps… and my feelings to kick in for marriage and family within the 24 hours

  111.  #111Daria on September 3, 2010 at 5:41 pm

    I feel so angry! I feel insecure having my new “i will get the love I want” beliefs challenged. I love my feelings. I love my insecurity. i know i will get the love and relationship i want anywa.

  112.  #112Daria on September 3, 2010 at 5:42 pm

    I feel scared anxious and tense! LIke i have talking to some of the men about this!!

    RORI!! this would be great time for a pep talk!

    Thank you

  113.  #113Daria on September 3, 2010 at 5:45 pm

    I don’t want to be misunderstood! I don’t want to believe that these new things that I feel good about don’t work or aren’t true!

    I feel bad thinking that a man won’t claim me, without my having to compromise.

    I don’t believe in compromise. I don’t believe in anything that feels bad!

    I choose to grow that.

    I Feel ANGRY

  114.  #114Daria on September 3, 2010 at 5:47 pm

    you know what NV’s ! I love you!!! I EMBRACE YOU. And i decide I’m gonna get what I want, and you’re gonna be healed and loved. And thank you for trying to protect me . You’ve done a stupendous job. and that job is now complete , and because you did such a great job, i am going to ask you to help me on this new project , which is finding evidence that i’m gonna get what i want, and it will feel good, over and over!

  115.  #115Daria on September 3, 2010 at 5:48 pm

    Thank you!

    I love you and embrace you and want to hear you!

    will you help me be more whole?


    thank u.

    i feel juiced

  116.  #116Crystal on September 3, 2010 at 6:59 pm

    hey, just wanted to say i have learnt a lot from here, and its been interesting using the feeling messages and leaning back in my own ‘relationship’ if i can call it that, lol

    I feel a little hesitant about trying is circular dating, but i know i will see results. It feels good to know i dont have to settle for what he is willing to give me, which is seeing me weekly and never meeting anyone in his life.

    Sad but after 3 years of being on and off and not getting anything else, i want more! i deserve more and if its not with him, i will find it elsewhere.

    Its been great reading all the comments and im sure to keep learning

  117.  #117Ragnell on September 3, 2010 at 7:03 pm

    If you send that, you could be dissappointed when he replies with just one line. I actually wrote and sent something like this:

    Hey ***!

    Ok, here is the thing: When I’m with you, I like feeling taken care of and listened to and even spoiled a bit. I love it when you’re smiling and playing around because that makes me feel free to be myself and just enjoy our time together. See, when I’m with you I focus on having a good time together. I don’t like getting there with other troubles in my head. (When I have troubles to solve, I work on them and I don’t call you.) I get frustrated when you act distracted and distant because it makes me feel as if I’m not there, or as if you would prefer to be left alone. And that doesn’t feel nice anymore.

    Now, I know you have a brain and I know you use it to think. And, frankly, if you were a brainless idiot I wouldn’t like to be seen next to you. So I don’t have a problem with you thinking about your stuff. I have a problem with the way I feel when you are not paying attention to me. It makes me wonder if I’m doing something wrong. It’s not your fault. And I know it’s childish and immature of me to be asking for attention.

    Take care,

    And his reply was nothing but two lines.

  118.  #118Brenda on September 3, 2010 at 7:07 pm


    Thank you for your love and support. It means a lot to me, and it’s very comforting to me.

    I really appreciate the strength you express in these posts, especially in #105. I know you won’t be pleased with me, and that bothers me. But I went ahead and sent the email.

    This attraction between Bill and me has been going on since December, over 8 months. He said the other woman was supposed to take over his end of our project by September 1st. In my mind, I gave him until today to make a move, because today is the last day before the weekend.

    I don’t have the emotional stamina to just go on and on with a go-nowhere flirt. So I just went with what I felt like doing tonight, trusting that if he is the One, there is nothing I can say that is wrong. All I know is I don’t want to go on with it feeling confused and uncomfortable. If this pushes him over the edge and from now on it’s strictly business, so be it. Eight months is long enough to make a move.

    I know you are right, but I am just too frustrated to care anymore. I don’t perceive him as mad at all. he is not like that. I perceive him as uncomfortable about our budding romance in the midst of his career and livelihood. And so he withdraws, over and over. I wish I was financially secure enough to just quit my job. I bet he’d start dating me right away. But I can’t test that theory until I get a job.

    I feel like rubber. I feel drained. I feel grossly disappointed about lunch out today. I wonder if he could tell I had been crying the one moment he saw me in passing. I just want the longest hug right now. I hate being alone. I hate being single.

    I joined a new dating site today and so far I got a “listed you in favorites” (why the f*ck couldn’t he be a man and send me an email??) and one email from Canada that sounds like a scam. Just what I need.

    I feel weary.

  119.  #119Brenda on September 3, 2010 at 7:10 pm


    Your message was nicely written. I will be surprised if I get one line. Because his track record is any time I get the slightest bit personal, he withdraws and everything is all business.

    Do I expect that? Yep. But I’d rather have that than to go on and on with his mercurial treatment. I can’t help but be attached to the outcome and to zero in on him. I like him so much. Now let’s see if I can make it thru the weekend without texting Ryan.

  120.  #120Brenda on September 3, 2010 at 7:11 pm


    I see extreme growth in you, and I admire you.

  121.  #121Ragnell on September 3, 2010 at 7:20 pm

    I also sent him a message to see if I was going to see him this weekend. No reply yet. 🙁 Shall I call?

  122.  #122Ragnell on September 3, 2010 at 7:24 pm

    Lol. I am not strong. I called.

  123.  #123Tina on September 3, 2010 at 7:26 pm

    I vote for me 🙂

  124.  #124Jilly on September 3, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    thank Lizzie…I am being the anchor…no contact from me so far…and no contact from sailor man since last night’s phone call…weird!!! I haven no reason to think he would be lying…but I do feel off!! it’s felt kinda off since we spent the day in bed together (this past monday)…maybe thats him just needing space after such an intimate day??

    I feel bad..kinda guilty because right now I feel like I want to capture sailor man!!! WOW! Psycho!! I want to capture him and make him mine lol he can probably feel it and thats why he’s staying away lol I am painting myself in LOVE!! right now!!

    Daria… your posts have really resonated with me tonight…I feel that once I became exclusive that my “timeline” would definitely kick in

    Brenda…I not send that letter (that’s said with lottsa love!!)…TMI for sure and I liked Tinques suggestion

    Lizzie I hope your date goes well tonight!!! 🙂

    Where’s Renee???

    Renee…where are you?

  125.  #125Ragnell on September 3, 2010 at 7:46 pm

    I have a spa session on Saturday so I am going to think of that as being painted in Love. 🙂

  126.  #126mary on September 3, 2010 at 7:55 pm

    i feel like circular dating was making me an unavailable woman and i watched Island Man choose a woman who was available.

    for relationship.



    it’s what i want.

    and if this relationship doesn’t work out, i’ll deal with it. i don’t need to protect myself from the pain of it. because i’m up for it. ALL of it.

    circular dating WHILE in a relationship seems a bit like saying two contradicting things at once – to me. i’m going to risk being straightforward about how i feel.

    and if the guy pulls away, i’ll take a dance step backwards.

    so far, so good.

    this guy is pretty amazingly solid.

    we’ll see.

    who knows?

    i’m just experimenting.

    i don’t know the future.

    i don’t know if i’ll get what i want, but you know what? i am getting exactly what i want – now. it’s wonderful. and i’m melting into it. it feels divine. not to worry about any of it. just doing the most natural thing.

    hey, probably i’ll be crying to all of you guys in a few months. we’ll see.

    aren’t we all on this adventure together? aren’t we all on the island here, learning and trying different things? remember when alias girl was calling all those guys? i was learning along with her!

    so learn along with me…

    i’ll keep you posted…

    one more comment: i don’t know! i just realized that i had so much invested in GETTING MARRIED that it was running me, rather than letting a relationship take its natural course.

    i’m feeling better about reaching out, breaking my own boundaries and experimenting with new and different ways to be.

    man in the woods was terribly hurt by me. i feel so awful about that. i kept letting HIM decide for himself if he wanted to be with me. finally i told him i didn’t think we were a match. i felt really relieved when i did that.


    we’re not supposed to need closure. but closure felt really good.

    so i don’t know!

    i’m just experimenting with all of you here.

    and i’ve missed you…

  127.  #127Jacqueline on September 3, 2010 at 8:29 pm

    Tina!! Hey you were one of the girls I’ve been missing! Hope all is good….

    Hi, Mary!!! I have much more of the same philosophy/mindset that you do, so my advice would be the same as your advice to yourself…lol….

    Ragnell, I haven’t met you, but hello!

    I’m Jacqueline @….

  128.  #128Jacqueline on September 3, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    and this is a shamelessly self promotion – somebody puhleeeze go post a comment on the blog about today’s interview with Scot McKay – I’m afraid if no one comments I won’t be able to attract quality interviewees for long. Found a waaaay cool site rater thing –, well there’s a million people with a lower grade than me….ha! that’s the best news I’ve had today.

    My deceased laptop will cost $1000 to replace, and yeah, I want the SAME one…darn it. I want what I want, you know?!

  129.  #129Jacqueline on September 3, 2010 at 8:39 pm

    Ps….you know I was very interested to see what men are telling other MEN about how to pick us up, that’s where the interviews with men came from. Jason comes here and everyone’s all over him with questions….so it seems like it would be a natural progression to wanting to see what guys are out there “preaching” about dating….

    what do you all think?


  130.  #130Rori Raye on September 3, 2010 at 9:43 pm

    FrenchKitty, Welcome, and a journey this will be — you need some practice and some experience, and you seem full of great energy to do it! You can get the ebook here (I think around where you see it in the sidebar…) Love, Rori

  131.  #131Brenda on September 3, 2010 at 10:10 pm

    Here, I thought of a new feeling message for Bill:

    I feel yucky about being in limbo after 8 months of knowing you. I want you to shit or get off the pot! What do you think?

    😛 Grrrrrrrr!

  132.  #132Daria on September 3, 2010 at 10:29 pm

    I feel angry!

  133.  #133Daria on September 3, 2010 at 10:30 pm

    what? no i don’t ! my computer decided to post an old message lol

  134.  #134Brenda on September 3, 2010 at 10:44 pm

    Just kidding, by the way, about that feeling message. Ugh.

  135.  #135Brenda on September 3, 2010 at 10:45 pm

    Good night everyone. I feel really tired. Going to zone out for a while. I feel.

  136.  #136Crystal on September 3, 2010 at 10:45 pm

    so i have started to think more about circular dating as said. Have talked to some guys on the net, exhanged numbers, and it seems fine, til we meet lol.

    I text the guy im seeing and tell him, im happy he was honest about not wanting a relationship and its given me a new perspective and more choices.

    He writes back to let me know i dont have to see if i dont want to and he understands i want a commitment.

    I feel so happy and relieved which is quite funny. After 3 years of on and off, i thought i would feel angry he never wanted a commitment. But i feel happy there is a future, if not with him, with myself and someone else.

    I hope im getting the program?? If not, please give me some tips. Thanks for listening

  137.  #137Sandalwood on September 3, 2010 at 10:56 pm

    Hi everyone,

    I’ve read this blog for a bit, and now I’ve decided to come out into the open too 🙂

    Mary, I know it’s not quite in alignment with Rori’s teachings, but I also agree with you. I’m still quite young, so I can’t really say for sure, but just from observing my relationships and those of my friends, I’d say that circular dating isn’t always strictly necessary to get a man to move forward. I dated this guy F exclusively for almost 3 years, and I ended up breaking up with him because he was trying to drive the relationship into warp speed. The guy I’m dating now is more reasonable about pacing, which I like very much.

    Around me, I see some of my friends getting married and some starting to live with each other, and they’re all engaged in 100% exclusive relationships, and they were exclusive from the start. I’m also always exclusive from the start (or the week after). I would say, objectively, we’re not all equally brainy or equally hot or equally nuturing, but the thing that unites us is that we keep two definite truths in mind:

    1. Men need us way more than we need them.

    2. They like it that way.

    I think circular dating works and that it’s supposed to be whatever is the most helpful to any given woman who tries it. I don’t think it has to be the only path.

    I hope this makes you feel better,


  138.  #138Daria on September 3, 2010 at 11:02 pm

    Crystal – wow you are definitely getting it. I feel surprised you feel so calm, i would expect some feelings like anger sadness, as well, feel them out and give them love and compassion if they do come up

  139.  #139Tina on September 3, 2010 at 11:06 pm

    Hi, Jacqualine, All is feeling better for me. I had to deal with a “crisis” so yeah , I feel way better now 🙂

  140.  #140Ragnell on September 3, 2010 at 11:23 pm

    Hmph. I am angry. He ignored my message so I called and I asked if I was going to see him this weekend and he doesn’t know because he is waiting for a call from his best friend. Fuck. So do I go to the spa to look pretty for you or not, you idiot?

  141.  #141Crystal on September 3, 2010 at 11:51 pm

    thank you Daria, great to get some feedback, and so quick! lol. I feel appreciated for you reading my story.

    I think deep inside, i think it still could work out, but having said that, i need to let it go, either through circular dating or not seeing him anymore.

    I feel relieved though i dont have to put up with all this crap of not knowing, i have control and i know what i want. Im not lying to myself anymore. And it feels sad when i think of what could have been but good to have a future and focus on me!

  142.  #142Rosalie on September 4, 2010 at 1:26 am


    Mon chat,
    I feel for you… Rori gave you a great advice.

    Can I have your email please? I have a non-blog related question for you. My is:

  143.  #143LeLe on September 4, 2010 at 4:11 am

    I’m getting TRIGGERED!!!
    When out last night with girlfriends. Saw Avatar. I was feeling so good. Emotions involved, creative spirit involved. It was a great day. Home early.

    P had said he would call and he didn’t. I feel sad and angry. He said he would call to setup get together for this weekend. I’ll be out tonight. Going to fair this afternoon and incluced concert tonight. So no contact tonight. That means no get-together. Dad GUM it!

    I’m easy going as long as I feel appreciated. I don’t want to feel taken for granted. Like something that will always be there. I love me more.

    Been seeing P for 6 months. He was very serious, wanted to live together, etc. I was more cautious. Wanting to see how he faught and handled himself. I have been on this journey. Being more open, girl-energy. Very difficult but doing better. Now this… Another test.

    How do I script this so he knows how I feel without pushing “boy-energy”?

    Please help

  144.  #144sara on September 4, 2010 at 4:32 am

    Dear Rori,

    i have been reading your emails for ages. they are a great inspiration.
    I have a request to you. maybe you can use it in your future emails to assist many people like me.
    The thing is…in THEORY, I know what i am doing wrong in relationships. I also know what to do to correct the problems. The issue is, I can’t get myself to do it. In theory it’s all black and white. but then a situation comes up and I end up doing the totally wrong thing, just like in the text book. I think lots of people don’t need more knowledge about relationships, but they need more help in actually implementing the things they know.

    maybe you can write on this subject one day

  145.  #145Jennifer on September 4, 2010 at 6:30 am

    I’m on vacation.
    I feel triggered
    I got an email from eharmony that a match wanted to communicate with me. So I went to have a look.
    annoyed by this match.
    Bad picture. Who puts up a pic of themselves in a head to toe motorcycle racing outfit complete with helmet?
    Doing something withfire or sparks that causes you to be contorted into some nearly unrecognizable shape? Are you tall? Short? WHAT?
    Maybe my expectations are too high. I had my pics professionally done…it wasnt’ expensive. Why aren’t guys doing that?
    I can’t decide to continue to communicate or not with no visual input! FRIG!
    Also speaking of professional photographers. My money friend has used the photographer i used and wow…doesn’t she and her pilot fiancee look like they belong on a romance novel cover? Frig.
    I don’t like me much rightnow. Happy frigging vacation.
    I DID however have a fun time in Salem Ma. I like that town. The museums were a bit cheesy but hey, whatcha gonna do?

  146.  #146Rori Raye on September 4, 2010 at 9:27 am

    sara – you are so right – and that’s what my programs are for. You play them 24/7 – round the clock, and follow me doing the Tools. It’s all about PRACTICE. In a way, my Tools are a “meditation practice” which – as you simply “do” it – transforms you. The practice you need is doing the tools in the field with men. The small ones, Feeling Messages – just PRACTICE them, bit-by-bit…and things will happen. Forget the BIG theories – that’s just so your intellect understands what you’re doing. It’s in the baby steps, and the support you get from the programs that does it. Love, Rori

  147.  #147Erika Awakening on September 4, 2010 at 9:28 am

    Jason, I loved this comment you left, and I feel so thrilled that Rori turned it into a guest post.

    Rori, thanks for leaving in the part about me 🙂

    I’m going to link on my Facebook so we can share with the world.

    Meanwhile, I posted this on another thread and wanted to share it here in case that thread is quiet now:

    Hi everyone from Paso Robles, California (where my brother lives … he’s getting married today 🙂 )

    Last week I did a session with a woman who struggles with an issue that I’ve heard on Rori’s blog before … she has sex with a guy she’s not sure about and then feels icky afterward …

    She felt that he wasn’t listening to her, but I pointed out that he probably WAS listening and that she was sending mixed messages, so he was likely confused.

    I told her we weren’t going to try to come up with the “right answer” logically … rather, we would use HBR to address the parts of her that were in inner conflict about having sex with him. And this is the result, in her words:

    “I thought I would let you know what happened yesterday after our tapping session. I think that the tapping really help me shift the energy so that I could see clearly and be heard. The outcome may be surprising because it is opposite than what I expected. Basically I watched my and his energy during the evening and realized that we are not compatible. At the end of the night I told him to go home and he left without the usual pressure that I would normally get. The tapping helped me see what I want with more clarity and become more powerful to say it. When I said NO it was a NO and not YES/NO.”

    I feel really happy about this result, because everything FEELS so much better when we have inner clarity and our yeses are clear yeses and our nos are clear nos. 🙂

    What do you think?

  148.  #148Rori Raye on September 4, 2010 at 9:32 am

    Sandalwood, Welcome, and what a lovely post! Just so you know – Circular Dating isn’t about “dating more than one man at a time” and “not being exclusive.” CDing is about practicing my Tools in the field, with men and women, in interactions that might be nothing more than eye contact, or a short verbal exchange in line at a store somewhere. It’s a therapeutic Tool meant to get you to the emotional place of – 1. Men need us way more than we need them. 2. They like it that way. Love, Rori

  149.  #149Simply Shannon on September 4, 2010 at 9:37 am

    I wanted to have a conversation last night about something that’s bothering me but the issue never came up. Well, I did mention I felt some sadness about “us”, but his comment was basically let’s go do something fun and laugh. At the time I felt okay but I kept waiting for the convo to happen and it didn’t. It’s like this big pink elephant in the room and nobody’s talking about it.

    So my question, is it leading to say I want to talk about XYZ? I felt weird forcing the conversation (if he didn’t want to go there) but I did feel distracted by the pink elephant topic and disappointed that we didn’t discuss it.

    Because now I’m believing he doesn’t care about this issue, doesn’t want to deal with it, or he doesn’t feel confident enough to have difficult conversations.

    Blech. I feel so turned off right now and disappointed and confused.

    I sat there listening to him drone on and on about nothingness. I had a really hard time listening at a level 2 when this topic would not shut off in my mind.

    I think I’m done with Mr. Fab Kisser. 🙁

  150.  #150Frenchkitty on September 4, 2010 at 10:30 am

    Hello Ragnell,

    I know exactly how you feel. Been in the same situation often enough. I would say go to the spa and make yourself pretty for YOU. And then go out with a girlfriend and wallow in all the attention you’ll get. And maybe take some pictures… to show him what he missed later. Hope you have a great weekend with or without him.

  151.  #151Daria on September 4, 2010 at 11:01 am

    CD’s a therapeutic Tool meant to get you to the emotional place of – 1. Men need us way more than we need them. 2. They like it that way.

    Rori can you talk more about how we get to “see” this by Cding?

    they like it that way?

    ive been encountering resistance from men (so probably from me) that they would like it…

    i sooo would like a post addressing my problems on how to script not to trigger men when i say i expect them to pay for everything, pleasure me in bed, etc. Jason said i come off demading, and i’ve cleared some of that up, still babystepping

  152.  #152Daria on September 4, 2010 at 11:02 am

    Shannon – sounds like you weren’t sharing how you were feeling in the moment… I found that for me, when I either hold back or take subtle control with masculine energy… i don’t feel as attracted to the man

  153.  #153mary on September 4, 2010 at 11:16 am

    Hello Rori and Sandalwood,

    Thank you both for the clarification on circular dating as it relates to exclusivity. The question I’ve always had is about longevity and sustainability:

    Q: If a man is turned on by the chase, and the chase is amplified when we don’t commit (i.e., when we keep circular dating while we’re getting serious with him), what happens when he finally catches us? He’s turned off?

    My A: I choose to believe no. A man who can commit will want commitment in return.

    So that’s what I’m going for.

    I’m beginning to see that I just had the wrong man, a man who could not commit for reasons that he couldn’t resolve. It made me feel like I was hanging on for dear life; not good enough; not pretty enough; something fundamentally wrong with me.

    When I spent time away from that man, those insecurities evaporated. And when I spent the time circular dating this spring, every single man showed me that he was interested. It was wonderful. And it was definitely what was needed at the time.

    I agree with both of you! Men need women so much. It’s so evident. I think it’s the thing I love most about being a woman – being needed that much, and being able to provide what is needed.

    Thank you both for commenting… !!

    I’m learning so much.

  154.  #154mary on September 4, 2010 at 11:18 am

    Simply Shannon,

    In the spirit of sustainability, why can’t you bring up something and talk about it with Mr. Fab Kisser?

    It sounded like you guys must talk deeply quite often, and he was just trying to change the vibe for the evening. Amazing that you were able to keep Level 2 with the surface chat while you were wanting to communicate in a deeper way.

    I would feel happy if you felt free to speak your heart.

    You always do it so well…

  155.  #155mary on September 4, 2010 at 11:26 am

    Hello Daria,

    I’ve been reading your posts lately and I’ve felt fascinated by your riffs. I’m wanting to experiment with that, so I think I’ll go back to the earlier posts and read them all… possibly copy different sirens a bit until I find my own style.

    These days, when you get triggered, the riffing you do and the focus on you contain the anger and I feel so much less sting. I appreciate that so much.

    I feel love and thankfulness and hope when I think of you and when I read your words.

    Here’s and cheers to riffs!

  156.  #156Daria on September 4, 2010 at 11:54 am

    hi mary, thank you

  157.  #157Daria on September 4, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    Excuse me world, this is crazy. fate that is.

    why is the one dude that is most in love with me, ok well has pursued me most in my life — there are 2 others who have —

    ok so im dramatizing


    he was the most “abusive” dude i’ve been with, i used to feel scared EVEry TImE. it was like crazy. i wouldnt say a thing.

    we would be able to spend like two weeks out the year together, before i had to run away feeling like i had to save my life

    this is every year almost, for the past 10 years

    it started out a long time ago when i was 19 and he was 15 – and he lied.

    and he started asking me for my heart back then

    then past years hes said hes in love with me

    he brings up getting married… could i see myself with a man like him?

    im like (are you crazy! you’re a sociopath)

    i love my judgement that hes a sociopath


    so now.

    he called and texted me

    wassup d this is the first dude you met in {town where i hang out at} the very first one. anyway i miss you and want to see you. hope you’re not married

    omg. i felt so smily, now i also feel so tightened up. i feel so excited and nervous and overtaken by these intense emotions. this feeling feels great.

    i think about him everyday, hes part of my gods in my life pantheon, comes up in my head even more often than guywhohadababy

    but i used to feel so unsafe with him — doormat me — exploitative him but me resisting.


  158.  #158Daria on September 4, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    and ugh. he just called now he kinda logically talked me into taking the bus to meet him somewhere cuz his license is suspended.

    and i feel BAD

    i feel sad and grumpy, like i didnt get what i want.

    i feel like throwing a tantrum


    i can try some eft.

  159.  #159Jason Miller on September 4, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    143: LeLe

    Seems pretty straightforward. If he told you he was going to call at a particular time and he didn’t, then just call him on it. Tell him that because he didn’t now you can’t get together and you feel taken for granted etc. Maybe he had a good reason for not calling, maybe he didn’t. No need to be too harsh about it either. Just be honest.

    If he’s going to lead with masculine energy most of the time and you’re going to hang back in feminine energy, he might make mistakes sometimes. Give him an opportunity to own that mistake so you can forgive him and start having fun again.

  160.  #160Daria on September 4, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    i felt triggered when he said

    i dont wanna come see you, i wanna spend some time with you

    i felt bad that he didnt want to come see me just to see me

    i said: oh wat you mean you dont wana see me, you want to fu*ck me or something

    hes like: why do you have to call it fu*ck, why not making love?

    with an accusing argumentative tone

    im like:

    well i mean, cuz i feel bad that you wouldnt want to just see me. but i see waht youre saying about wanting to have sex

    i dont know what to do (logistically)


    ugh i feel like i always fall into some energy system hes got going on. like im hypnotized. i feel it now.

    my feelings are: sad, angry, scared, excited/elated

  161.  #161Jason Miller on September 4, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    147: Erika Awakening

    Thank you, Erika!

  162.  #162Daria on September 4, 2010 at 12:53 pm

    I feel so triggered!

    i Could, take the bus to see him at a place where it’s safer for him to drive –

    [ both our licenses are suspended and in my town police pull people over frequently, especially people driving cadillacs who look like him ]

    – that IS REASONABLE. However I feel furious.

    I did, would want to have sex with him. In fact, that’s a big reason I always dated him.

    And habitually we always have sex everytime we see each other alone. Minus like 2 or 3 times in our lives.

    HE askes me, so what do you want, you want be to drive over there and My license is suspended?

    I said ohh that feels bad.

    I feel scared I don’t want something to happen .

    I don’t. Other men drive to me with suspended licenses. but him, i feel more concerned because i dont want him to get in trouble.

    And, i would feel guilty.

    not to mention, our family/friends might be mad at me for asking him to drive there if he were to get in trouble – i feel afraid of that.
    I would feel guilty.


    he always manipulates me with guilt. i always think im ready for it, and then i get the overcome so strong feelings like i just did earlier…

  163.  #163Daria on September 4, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    HE COULD just take the bus to see me. i still feel hurt about that. I felt not good.

    tho to him, he probably has a totally different perception. he’s thinking it as us “making love.”

    it would seem like he’s really bullshitting and / on some level maybe he is – and yet he’s like in love with me, and claims so publicly, and always comes back to pursuing me… uff

    i feel confused…

    and i feel contracted and petrified in a hot swirls of energy and yet still body

  164.  #164mary on September 4, 2010 at 12:56 pm


    “i feel like i always fall into some energy system he’s got going on. like im hypnotized.”

    oh. that must feel so crazy.

    it seems to me that the work you’ve done has probably transformed you and your practiced responses will be second nature… and if you fall back into old patterns, you’ll see them right away…

    nice to be wanted, eh?

  165.  #165Daria on September 4, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    so when he called he asked how could he see me. i told him the best i knew.

    he said what he said – suspend jugement

    i felt “hurt” by something he said.

    i told him i felt bad.

    i judged and attacked.

    he attacked back, sounding triggered

    i felt unloved and not good enough [for him to come on the bus just to see me]

    he – probably – felt unloved and not trusted [ because i called our love union “u just wanna fuck” ]

    oh yah.

    ok so back to i felt unloved and not good enough… i feel excited like im gonna get somewhere with this.

    i feel angry. i feel like im not good enough for you to come on the bus just to see me… and i don’t want to feel that way.

    i also feel resentful that you try to make things about you when i want things to be about pleasing me. —– how do i communicate this in a way thats not triggering? ?? cuz it sounds double standardish and its Triggering ME! but this is kinda like a dive attitude right?

    ok. its just a little tone thing, im just feeling insecure. feeling insecure that im truly a gift and that pleasing me is a gift back in itself.


    i do feel insecure just saying

    “pleasing me is a gift back in itself”

    but it IS!

    cuz thats how i feel when i please others…

    so insecure feeling unworhty about this..

    i want this heealed.. thank you.


    i feel resentful that i don’t feel like i’m special … not true

    i feel resentful that you seem so self centered!!!

    i feel resentful that i don’t feel like i’m the main one in this relationship — triggering??

    i don’t GET how to phrase that

    ?i feel resentful that the focus of the date is not on pleasing me

    Help here!!

    What am i trying to say?

  166.  #166Daria on September 4, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    Mary yes it feels crazy.

    can you help me please?

    i’m trying to turn this:

    “”i feel angry. i feel like im not good enough for you to come on the bus just to see me… and i don’t want to feel that way.

    “i also feel resentful that you try to make things about you when i want things to be about pleasing me. —– how do i communicate this in a way thats not triggering? ?? cuz it sounds double standardish and its Triggering ME! but this is kinda like a dive attitude right?””

    into a feeling message.

  167.  #167Jacqueline on September 4, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    Hiya, all Sirens! Shannon! I like the new picture!! the other one was way cool creative, too….like em both. I think that that’s the point of scripting – so we can get to talk about xyz….I feel…….(I don’t want)….what do you think??

    Re; THE SPA OR NOT???? OMGosh, yep, been there – it would make me completely crazy to put on makeup and heels an sit for an hour waiting!!!! much less the spa thing…oh yeah,

    and I feel like appearance is something we seldom talk about here? other than dress frilly or some such.

    On my blog Athol and Scot both commented that you don’t want to get with someone who is gonna “devolve,” meaning let them self go – so….hmmmm….well you age, for sure…and does that mean if I happen to meet you with no makeup and boy/baggy clothes on I never have to wow you with my f**** pumps??? grin….

    what do WOMEN think here???

    Happy Saturday, all

  168.  #168Daria on September 4, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    I feel excited. I’ve had a few discoveries now while doing EFT.

    First, i felt an OCEAN of rage. anger at him. i was like whats the feeling. ANGER. and i feel so intensely like… OVERCOME ?by it. i want to run around, run to the pphone to check what he’s said.

    the feelking is so intense and overtaking
    nd the im like wait… anger.. how about move away… from feeling bad

    and tapping

    ok, the anger, it has passion. i t also feels good . way good.

    his energy and my energy collide with this electricity, this intense elated passion and it has rage too

    and i dont want to feel bad

    i want to feel good

    i choose to allow it to feel good.

    I think the way he uses logic, and criticism and guilt, and the energy – discovery — i think its like my mom and my dad to each other… i think i get hypnotized because its so familiar, these tubes of behavior, of letting it go mentally that he said that… because welll… the rest of it makes sense… and placating him… yet feeling warmed by his energy and feeling so white hot metal when he says somethng good


    ok more EFT
    more practice

    i still feel lik erunning up there and checking my phone and texting him back, and calling a million peple – in my imagination – to tell them that he caled, ad i feel so excited

    and yet with him i feel so angry and keep a cold calculating mind between us.

    i feel like i have to keep it there to protect me, i think he would totally try to overtake me if i didnt protect myself

    speaking of orishas reminds me of ogun now, that i learned about it

    oshun and ogun Are lovers


    sparks flying

    help it feels baD!

    this hot molten metal of anger in me!

    i love my hot molten pool of metal lava anger

  169.  #169Daria on September 4, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    whats cool right now aout this. i am learning to accept him.

    before i was judging him as wrong, crazy, abusive, sociopathic,

    but now i was reading earlier about Ogun, an orisha, personification of nature divine. he is the hot iron. the hot hot hot. i think this is him!

    i see its a personality

  170.  #170Daria on September 4, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    i just felt anger when i thought of letting him know that

    i want him to come see me jsut to see me on the bus, to show me that he can treat me nice.

    ok this is what i want. agenda right.

    i dont want to date someone whos not down to see me just to see me.

    well… he didnt say he wasnt down , he said he didnt want to… presumably because he wants to do more. so its not that he doesnt want to see me


    so whats the thing.

    the thing is, i THINK that he could just come see me, and then come up with a creative way to do it. like in the bushes or something

    but so far that hasnt been his style

    he’s more like, woman come here and do this (for me) style.


    im feeling afraid because i dont want to take the bus to see him, and i dont want to push him away or be attacked, i feel afraid

    i feel afraid to say this… i dont want to take the bus to see you… and i don’t want to be misunderstood or attacked.

    i feel really scared to say this… but the truth is i dont want to be the one taking the bus. i would feel like im doing too much. its not how i want to be treated. i dont want to take a bus to go see a guy.

    i would feel like im doing too much of the effort for the date, and i feel better when the man makes all the effort and i am able to be feminine and appreciate and receive that from him

  171.  #171Daria on September 4, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    and i feel afraid to say this, i’ve often felt attacked with you in the past, and i don’t want to feel that way. i feel like i have a lot of anger at you in me, and a alot of fear, and

    i dont want to keep feeling that way. i want some way to feel safe.. what do you think?

    ehh no.

  172.  #172Daria on September 4, 2010 at 1:27 pm

    i don’t feel heard by him . or seen, though more seen in the past years. ugh… i feel soo weird… now i feel like crying…

    i must be unraveling a pattern

  173.  #173Daria on September 4, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    hey im feeling really sad. i want to feel close to you so bad! and i feel afraid to tell you how i feel, i don’t want to be attacked or feel unheard. and i feel hopeless .

    i just dont know how you take the focus off me and onto you, and i feel so confused i have a hard time identifying and expressing how i feel.

    I FEel Angry


  174.  #174Daria on September 4, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    K’m crying! i feel sad!

    this intense energy i feel everytime i ahve contact with him!

  175.  #175Daria on September 4, 2010 at 1:33 pm

    i feel unable to – afraid , confused like hot lava is in my head and chest area – communicate clearly with him…
    and i feel like this with my family.

    eggshell feeling?


  176.  #176Daria on September 4, 2010 at 1:33 pm

    i didnt get tears out… i Still felt right now like getting up and running to the phone to check it…

  177.  #177Daria on September 4, 2010 at 1:38 pm

    but its so reasonable to take the bus.

    its like hes in my mind. in my energy space.

    like his energy, or this energy of interactin with him is so strong

    i feel so intense and passionate when i communicate with u. and it feels awesome, overwhelming.

    and i feel really angry, because i feel confused by the intensity and i wind up doing things i don’t want to do, and losing track of myself, and tolerating things that dont feel good.

    and it would feel lovely to see you and i feel SUPER GOOD that you want me, but it doesnt feel good for me to take the bus to see You. And i don’t want to have to worry about teh logistics of stuff, or be responsible for planning and traveling,

    i just want the date to be about YOU wanting to impress me and Show me a good time.

    OK . men will get triggered by this.

    i feel like running away now

    my chest feels speechless.

  178.  #178Daria on September 4, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    aha! I don’t want to go on any dates where the focus isn’t for the man to impress me and show me a good time.


    thats a great i dont want boundary message

  179.  #179Daria on September 4, 2010 at 1:40 pm

    and my having to take the bus doesnt feel good to me – NOT IMPRESSIVE —

    in fact i feel kinda angry, like i’m not good enough for a man to figure out how to get to me and plan a date

  180.  #180Daria on September 4, 2010 at 1:46 pm

    Thank you for calling me, it felt amazing like thrilling to hear from u. I really want to see you too but i am not down to take the bus to go see a man – even/especially

    uhoh im placating him.. he always said , but im special, im not just any man, he gets urt when i make him seem that way ugh

    i have to REALLY stick to the 4 rules and my feelings here

    i fele like theres very little leeway with him for him to get triggered

    that is good practice tho


    man i feel so glad you hit me and i would feel glad to see you. I don’t want to go on dates that aren’t all about the man wanting to impress me and show me a good time tho, and i wouldn’t feel romanced and impressed taking the bus .

    i don’t want to worry about How we’re gonna see each other. i jsut want to see you. i feel afraid that you will feel angry that i don’t want to do your initial suggestion… and i feel afraid of your anger… cuz in the past i’ve felt attacked and unheard.

  181.  #181Daria on September 4, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    wow i felt overwhelmed by how many intense mixed feelings i had hearing from you… intensely excited, and nervous and then at the end i felt Hella mad…

    and i don’t want to feel this way anymore together. it feels scary. i want to feel exicted and i want to feel GOOD.

  182.  #182mary on September 4, 2010 at 1:51 pm


    I’m just logging on again and reading through – gimme a sec and I’ll get back with you…

  183.  #183Daria on September 4, 2010 at 1:53 pm

    i feel so angry and frustrated that i cant get the feeling message that i want out.

    i feel bad being asked to take the bus to come see you. i would feel glad to see you but i don’t date unless its clearly a man that wants to impress me and show me a good time… and i don’t feel good going on the bus, or even having to think about planning a date. thats the man’s job and you can do it well – to me im down to have you come on the bus, i would do u in the bushes lol.

  184.  #184Daria on September 4, 2010 at 1:54 pm


    i think thats more liek the feelig message i want!

    woo hoo

  185.  #185Daria on September 4, 2010 at 1:56 pm

    actually i dont feel down to get on the bus by myself. i would feel down if he came on the bus and then we both took the bus back together!

    that would feel fun. then i would kno hes making special effort for me

    i want to see the special effort

    i dont see the special effort in asking me to take the bus and i feel not good enough to receive special effort!!

    that doesnt feel good!

  186.  #186mary on September 4, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    i feel so excited about possibly seeing you again! it’s been a long time and so much has happened. i’m curious about what you might share with me and about how you might have changed. and i’d like to tell you about some new things in my life.

    you said you don’t want to come all the way on the bus to see me, and i don’t want to go all the way on the bus to see you, although the bus does seem like the only reasonable way we can connect.

    how about meeting at a coffee shop? of course i love getting together privately, but it might be fun to change it up and just talk this time? what do you think?

  187.  #187Daria on September 4, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    i feel bad being asked to come to you. on the bus. I would feel glad to see you but i don’t want to date a man that isn’t into making and showing me special effort and impressing me to make me feel like a queen. i don’t feel good going on the bus by myself, or even having to think about planning a romantic date. thats the man’s job and you can do it well – to me i would be down to have you come on the bus, i would do u in the bushes lol.

  188.  #188Daria on September 4, 2010 at 2:02 pm

    i’m starting to feel good about this

  189.  #189Daria on September 4, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    Mary – coffee shop or not, we’d still {unless we wanted to take risks with our driving} have to take the bus. And where he wants me to take the bus to, he has his car and is less likely to get pulled over, and he can get a hotel.

    But here, by my house, he’d be coming to a park – no Hotel in walking distance – and i would meet him there probably.

    Actually, there IS a hotel kinda sorta in walking distance. hmm. its an expensive one tho

  190.  #190mary on September 4, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    it seems like you have a lot of things going on with this guy:

    1. lots of mixed feelings
    2. fear that you’ll slip back into the old way with him
    3. disappointment that he mentioned sex instead of just wanting to see you
    4. transportation issues

    the ones that i have the most feelings about are #2 and #3.

    like i said before, if you slip back into the old way with him again and you feel like he’s putting you down or not respecting you, or if you’re completely unaware of YOU and only aware of HIM, at some point i think you’re strong enough to come to your senses and get back on track. you’re the riffing queen, daria. you’re the rori textbook check. you know your stuff. count on that.

    #3 seems very significant to me. maybe insist that he sees YOU and not just your body? even if your body wants him? make him wait for it, plan for it, cherish it and love you first?

    what do you think?

  191.  #191Daria on September 4, 2010 at 2:08 pm

    oooh mary nice.

    it feels good to be wanted, but i don’t want to only be wanted for sex. i don’t want a man that’s not down to see me without sex.

  192.  #192mary on September 4, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    i agree with you that the logistics can be his concern. so don’t even mention them! just tell him you can’t wait to see him. period. leave it at that.

    that’s what i’d do. and that forces him to find a way without asking him to. i think men like to figure things out from the very first point, which is thinking of what the problem is. so many times we’re temped to tell them the problem. and they don’t get to identify it for themselves.

    transportation seems like the least of the problems to me.

  193.  #193Daria on September 4, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    i felt bad hearing that you didn’t want to come see me. i kinda felt unwanted with out sex. it feels good … really really good… that you want sex with me… but even so i don’t want a man that’s not down to see me just to spend time with me.

  194.  #194mary on September 4, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    if HE comes up with the solution that you both should meet in the middle, even at a hotel, would you feel comfortable finding your own way to him?

  195.  #195mary on September 4, 2010 at 2:13 pm

    it felt so amazing and warm when you mentioned wanting sex with me. i know i’d really enjoy that.

    but i don’t want to skip all the things that have been happening in my life. i want to tell you about them! and i want to hear about your life! what’s going on with you?

    let’s talk first.

    what do you think?

  196.  #196Daria on September 4, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    mary – no i wouldnt. thats what my whole post about not wanting to take the bus by myself is all about.

    one way i Would feel comfortable if he took teh bus all the way here, and we took teh bus to the hotel togther (and then ideally he’d “bus me” back home)

  197.  #197Daria on September 4, 2010 at 2:16 pm

    Mary – he did already ask me about stuff in my life. i don’t really have a problem with him wanting sex from me all the time, just that he said no to coming to see me… triggered me that i felt unwanted…

    and also cuz for me, i would want him to come see me, and then we could romantically do it somewhere in the park or hidden somewhere

  198.  #198mary on September 4, 2010 at 2:16 pm

    i wouldn’t get into the man and woman thing with him. that’s girlfriend talk, you know? “i’m not down for a man who…” or “i’m a woman who…”

    i think that confuses guys. it seems like they need communication that’s more straight. yes about this, no about that…

  199.  #199mary on September 4, 2010 at 2:19 pm


    yeah, i know what you mean about that. and i understand about the bus, too. wow. it’s a lot to ask, though, if he hasn’t been educated about dating. most guys these days don’t do the chivalrous thing. and just expecting them to come up with it is expecting a lot.

    nudging him into it sometimes means budging a bit and leaning a bit forward? if he’s leaning REALLY, REALLY forward, isn’t it okay to lean into him a bit? it seems okay to me. the only time i start leaning backwards is when he’s doing that… then i just mirror him. seems to work for me.

  200.  #200mary on September 4, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    or if he’s not leaning forward at all… then i lean way, way back. i love Rori’s rowboat analogy. when i heard that, it just put an image onto something that already was working for me. and now i can call that image up really quickly and use it as a tool.

  201.  #201Erika Awakening on September 4, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    The real turning point for me in empowerment came when my vision for my own life became so clear and strong that it’s more powerful than my attraction to any specific man. Also, feeling so good inside that I’m not relying on a man to make me feel good. This makes it easy to stay centered … 🙂

  202.  #202mary on September 4, 2010 at 2:23 pm


    i’d really enjoy getting with you today if you can make it happen. i’m not really wanting to ride on the bus by myself though… what do you think?

  203.  #203Daria on September 4, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    this man’s energy – muy intense – am already recalibrating on Yemaya energy what is my intent for today.

    im searching for clarity in communicating.

    so much past, triggers, and itensity i feel

  204.  #204mary on September 4, 2010 at 2:25 pm


    oh, Erika!

    my theme song these days! thank you for this.

    the thing that REALLY gets me going is when i take positive action steps to further myself down my own road. when i do that it makes me feel so good that having a man in my life is just a bonus.


  205.  #205Daria on September 4, 2010 at 2:26 pm

    really mary? i find that men respond to me very favorably to man woman talk

    its like it switches “romance” on in their minds…

    i guess that may be what you mean about gf bf. that is not an issue here. he knows i want to be married. he’s already in llove with me and knows im not gonan be his gf.

  206.  #206mary on September 4, 2010 at 2:27 pm


    you’re way ahead of a lot of us in the healing and knowing yourself categories.

    trust yourself on this!

    that’s my help to you today… cuz i know that you know what to do.

  207.  #207Daria on September 4, 2010 at 2:29 pm

    how about…. if you treated me good i would want you to be my husband!

  208.  #208Daria on September 4, 2010 at 2:29 pm

    thank you mary… that was very helpful ! i got to re notice that i was upset about him saying no to seeing me… whereas i was focusing on logistics

  209.  #209mary on September 4, 2010 at 2:30 pm

    oh yes! men love to talk about it too! and they’re fascinated by my Rori ideas because they’re so counter culture… they could talk for hours.

    but if i’m wanting something, if i’m focused on an outcome, i want to inspire their problem-solving ability, not their philosophical side. they seem to have rigid categories, unlike females… and can only be in one category at a time… so that’s when i do all the straight talk.

    it seems like – if you could identify exactly what you want today – and you told him just left the details to him, you might get what you want…

  210.  #210Daria on September 4, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    Erika – this guy triggers huge intense feelings unlike any other guy…. mirrors my dad!

  211.  #211mary on September 4, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    yes, i would have felt the same upset if a guy said no, it’s not gonna work to come see you. that would have felt like rejection to me and i would have felt not good enough.

  212.  #212Daria on September 4, 2010 at 2:32 pm

    i think its asking a lot to ask me to take the bus to him so we can go to hotel to have sex with him! lol

  213.  #213mary on September 4, 2010 at 2:32 pm

    gotta go now, but i’m curious about what happens and will check in later.

    love, mary!

  214.  #214mary on September 4, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    yes, i agree with you now about the bus and i understand why the logistics is such a problem. it’s like the other problems that you mentioned have sortof been resolved and this is the only thing keeping you guys apart.

    he will solve the problem if he wants to…

  215.  #215Daria on September 4, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    yeah i felt bad. except he does want to see me… if anything he wants to see me in a more “private” place.

    but i feel triggered and stuck cuz he was asking me what i think we should do … about the logistics… and then he didn’t like what i thought

    sounds like boyman! another label i had for him…

    i don’t have to treat him like a boy man

    let me go back i liked some of my lines about being treated like a queen.

  216.  #216mary on September 4, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    sometimes i feel ickkky to be on the WAITING end of relationships. the WOMAN side.

    until i think about what Sandalwood said, that men need women more than women need men, and they like it that way.

    such a great idea to carry with me today.

  217.  #217mary on September 4, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    ooooooooooooh, daria.

    my new man is pretty amazing.
    i’m really liking him!

    oh. last night we went through some music and he pointed out all kinds of amazing things about the metre and the basic flavour, and he asked me to put aside all my prejudices and just listen… and what amazing things i learned!

    i feel happy. and relaxed! and it’s easy.

    (for once.)

    no worries about what to say, what to wear, what to do. he likes my dressing up. he likes my big city ways. he likes my long hair. he thinks i’m sooooo cute. he snuggles up to me! he wants to be together as much as possible. he talks into the future. he’s a one-woman man.


    i can’t even believe it.

    and he’s been around since the beginning of my circular dating. just patiently being persistent…

    i like him.
    he’s amazing.

  218.  #218mary on September 4, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    okay, yes! gotta go.

    let us know what happens!

    bye for now…

  219.  #219Daria on September 4, 2010 at 2:45 pm

    i felt bad hearing that you didn’t want to come just to see me. i kinda felt unwanted with out sex. it feels good … really really good… that you want to make love with me… but even so i don’t want a man that’s not down to see me just to spend time with me.

    besides, i feel kinda disappointed cuz i kinda had a fantasy of you comin on the bus, and takin me to the park and then, like without planning it (well at least without me planning it) we wind up doing it somewhere public like outside or in a store back room or something

  220.  #220Daria on September 4, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    It feels bad to be asked to come see you. i don’t want to date a man that isn’t into making and showing me special effort and impressing me to make me feel like a queen. i don’t feel good going on the bus by myself – tho i would feel cool if you came on it and got me and we even went bak on it togehter… then i would feel real taken care of and see that that took extra thought and effort.

    it feels good … really really good… that you want sex with me… but even so i don’t want a man that’s not down to see me just to spend time with me …

    i don’t want to be the one to think this out and plan a romantic date,

    thats the man’s job and you can do it well

    i miss you and i want you … like you coulda came on the bus an i want to do it outside behind the tree –


  221.  #221Daria on September 4, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    It feels bad to be asked to come see you. i don’t want to date a man that isn’t into making and showing me special effort and impressing me to make me feel like a queen. i don’t feel good going on the bus by myself – tho i would feel cool if you came on it and got me and we even went bak on it togehter… then i would feel taken care of.

    (for me if you came on the bus and we kicked it in the park – even if we wind up hiding and doin it behind the tree like that time- felt hella romantic)

    i don’t want to be the one to think this out and plan a romantic date,

    thats the man’s job and you can do it well

    miss you. what do you think?

  222.  #222Daria on September 4, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    that;s the man’s job and you can do it well.. is that triggering? is that something to say?

    its a thought. ifeel like i Want something from him.

    Im’ tellkng him about my two lil fantasiez of him comin to get me on the bus and him comin to see me at the park… because i want to give him an idea of what would make me happy

  223.  #223Sandalwood on September 4, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    Daria, maybe you shouldn’t even bother scripting anything. I mean, think about it. In addition to losing his license, he’s now asking you how to go see you instead of researching bus routes without having to be asked? Just have fun without him until he misses you so much, he figures out how to get to you himself. If he really loves you, it’ll happen really soon.

    What I meant by the idea that men need women more than women need men is that girls can get together and talk about how their boyfriends are upsetting them and how they’re having problems at work, but guys get together to watch hockey or play board games, and they spend the whole time cracking jokes and talking about video games or sports. There are exceptions, but I think guys feel loneliness more easily. My boyfriend told me one of his friends doesn’t make that much money, but he lavishes it on unsuitable girls because he likes waking up in the morning knowing he has a girlfriend.

  224.  #224Daria on September 4, 2010 at 3:41 pm

    i feel _____ curious of what will happen. glad he/ you called me. bad that these logistics arent worked out. bad that i feel misunderstood as to how i want to be treated… like a queen. i dont want to have to make effort to come to a man on a date.

    id be down to have you come on the bus, and i would ride it back with you … that would actually feel romantic and special

    i dont want to be the one to think this out and plan a romantic date – thats the man’s job and you can do it well

  225.  #225Daria on September 4, 2010 at 3:45 pm

    Sandalwood – thank you for looking at my question.

    I feel a little misunderstood.

    what would i say to him when he next brings it up without scripting?

  226.  #226Daria on September 4, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    hi… i feel glad to hear from you, and kind of bad that i’m feeling misunderstood. even tho it might be ‘easier’ i don’t want to have to make effort to come to a man on a date. i dont want a man thats not into making and showing special effort to make me feel like a queen.

    id be down to have you come on the bus, and i would ride it back with you … that would actually feel romantic and special

    and i don’t want to have to think it out or plan a romantic date… thats part of a man’s job and i want to be shown what he can do

  227.  #227Daria on September 4, 2010 at 3:59 pm

    i think the last two lines… are contradicting…

    “id be down to have you come on the bus, and i would ride it back with you … that would actually feel romantic and special


    and i don’t want to have to think it out or plan a romantic date… thats part of a man’s job and i want to be shown what he can do”

    cuz the first thing IS kind of me planning it… but truthfully i would love it… i feel doubtful he would think of it on his own. i don’t think he knows much about how to plan romantic dates or what i consider romantic. so we would have to talk about it.

    hi… i feel glad to hear from you, and kind of bad that i’m feeling misunderstood. even tho it might be ‘easier’ i don’t want to have to make effort to come to a man on a date. i dont want a man thats not into making and showing special effort to make me feel like a queen.

    i would need to have a man come on the bus to get me, and i would ride it back with him … that would actually feel romantic and special

    and i don’t want to have to think it out or plan a romantic date… thats part of a man’s job and i want to be shown what he can do.


    ok im liking it more. what do other sirens think?

  228.  #228Daria on September 4, 2010 at 4:00 pm

    i don’t want to be rejecting of HIM. i have a guess that i am kinda harsh maybe? like i am practicing showing more of my good feelings and compassion…

  229.  #229Daria on September 4, 2010 at 4:05 pm

    okay so how about i let go of my romantic date notion of him coming on the bus to get me. until he asks me.

    that woudl be trusting he figures it out

    but i THINK that he will feel frustrated and rejected and toss it to the side, unless i include the line about him coming on the bus to see me

  230.  #230Daria on September 4, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    i feel good that you want to see me, but i’m still feeling misunderstood. i don’t want to come on the bus by myself to see a man, even if it’s easier. i don’t want to date unless its with a man that is into making and showing special effort to make me feel like a queen… and coming to get me, on foot, bus, or car, from where i’m at.

    i don’t want to be the one to think this out or plan a romantic date – thats a man’s job and i want to be shown what he can do.

    the end.


    i don’t think he’d think of coming on the bus to get me because he’s so “practical” and that;s like an extra bus trip for “no reason” other than romance. i don’t think he would think of that on his own really. i don’t trust that he would.

    i want to tell him that would feel cool

    he might reject it.

    it IS an idea.

    he might say its stupid.

    he didnt like my park idea.

    lean back.

    ok lets do it again.

    Everytime i state my boundaries i WIN!!

  231.  #231Daria on September 4, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    in the past guys have compllained about me making it hard on purpose.
    but more recently no, they get it

  232.  #232Daria on September 4, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    I felt super excited to hear from you and curious thinking about seeing you soon… tho rite now i’m feeling a lil misunderstood. On a date I don’t want to ride the bus to get somewhere without the man accompanying me. Even if it’s ‘easier,’ That feels bad. I don’t want to date a man that’s not into making and showing me special effort to make me feel like a queen. That said, I always feel special with you in bed, and it would feel good now to see you plan a romantic date top to bottom.

  233.  #233Daria on September 4, 2010 at 4:31 pm

    where’s dorothea!!!


    does that have a lean forward vibe?


  234.  #234Daria on September 4, 2010 at 4:32 pm

    reading it i get the impression that i sound robotic, cold and nonchalant, kinda like a wall

    but its saying what i want to say… hmmm

  235.  #235Daria on September 4, 2010 at 5:00 pm

    it will feel really good to see you again… and i don’t want to be treated with less effort and special care than a queen… to me – even if it’s ‘easier’ – it feels bad on a date to take a bus unaccompanied by a man… I’ve always felt special that you put effort into pleasing me sexually… and I don’t want it to remain only a bedroom thing… I feel curious to experience a romantic date plan beginning to end…

  236.  #236Daria on September 4, 2010 at 5:00 pm

    I like it all except the last line. its getting shorter! hehe

  237.  #237Daria on September 4, 2010 at 5:06 pm

    I’ve always felt special that you put effort into being pleasing me sexually and being romantic… and I don’t want the effort and romance to be only in the bedroom

  238.  #238Daria on September 4, 2010 at 5:09 pm

    it will feel really good to see you again… and i don’t want to be treated with less effort and special care than a queen… to me – even if it’s ‘easier’ – it feels bad on a date to take a bus unaccompanied by a man. I’ve always felt special that you put effort into pleasing me sexually… and I don’t want the effort and romance to be only in the bedroom.

    all im saying is i want you to take the bus to come get me together or something better. and i want you to think of this stuff yourself. and you can get inspired from how you act with sex.

    oh Rori. i wish Rori wiould help me script.

    I fele like i’m using up months of time on something that could take only a day to shift

  239.  #239Daria on September 4, 2010 at 5:17 pm

    it will feel really good to see you again… and i don’t want to be treated with less effort and special care than a queen… to me – even if it’s ‘easier’ – it feels bad on a date to take a bus unaccompanied by a man. I’ve always felt special that you put effort into pleasing me sexually… and I don’t want any less outside the bedroom

    oooh ooh

    i like this

  240.  #240Simply Shannon on September 4, 2010 at 5:23 pm

    Just writing something that just occurred to me…

    Circular dating is a tool to get to know ourselves and say what we like and what we want. We can choose exclusivity if what he is offering feels good to us. That doesn’t mean we’re selling ourselves short from marriage. We want to learn how to keep our vibe while we’re married too. Which is why we keep CDing even after we’re exclusive and/or married.

    We never stop circular dating no matter what our relationship status. This has been a blind spot for me.

    And if a guy wants exclusivity right away, it’s not because he’s offering me something wonderful. (How could he? He barely knows me.) It’s usually because he doesn’t want to work or worry about what I’m doing. He wants me locked in. And I accept the offer because that feels easy that second but then it feels bad because I never really got a “good” offer.

    And after all my upset earlier about Mr. Fab Kisser, he’s coming over tonight. What can I say… I feel horny. 🙂 Who knows… maybe I’ll be offering some type of exclusivity for sex with him. I dunno. We’ll see. I’ve been getting so bogged down wanting to throw him in my cage, and I don’t even know if *I* want that yet. Things just feel weird with him but I don’t know if I’m doing a very good job of telling him how I feel or what I don’t want.

    Baby steps.

  241.  #241Daria on September 4, 2010 at 5:24 pm

    it will feel really good to see you again… and i don’t want to be treated with less effort and special care than a queen… to me – even if it’s ‘easier’ – it feels bad on a date to take a bus unaccompanied by a man. I feel special that you put effort into pleasing me sexually… and I don’t want any less – like being put alone on a bus – outside the bedroom

  242.  #242Daria on September 4, 2010 at 5:27 pm

    Shannon – yay babysteps. What do you think of my scripted message?

    does it inspire him to plan a romantic date?

    would it be better for me to say:

    me jane. YOu tarzan – get on the bus, come meet me, to get on the bus together. or plan other way. plan romantic dates. and think of other romantic stuff to please me. and quit hypnotically and guilt trippingly get me confused.

  243.  #243Rachel on September 4, 2010 at 5:30 pm

    Ohhh… my heart hurts tonight! I have been enjoying incredible communication from my man who is deployed in the military. For weeks now, he’s been showing up, initiating emails and chats, etc. I’ve been leaning back and just responding lovingly to whatever he starts.

    Last night I couldn’t sleep. So I sent him a short IM that said, “I can’t sleep. It’s hot and I feel lonely. I wish I could reach across the bed and touch you. ”

    This is the sort of thing that he loves to hear from me during our conversations and I felt completely comfortable to do it. It didn’t feel leaning forward.

    BUT today … I have heard NOTHING all day. I know that he was online earlier today so I know he got the message. As the day is drawing to a close, my heart feels heavier and heavier.

    I know that this one little message won’t ruin things. We have a much more solid foundation than that! But I feel frustrated at myself for a longing and aching that is rising back up in me. I feel rejected that he hasn’t said anything warm or loving back to me. I feel sad that I am here and he is there …

    I feel like somehow I’ve taken a step backward today into the yearning and pining place where I used to be.

    Sigh… I really miss him. I’ve kept busy all day, but this nagging thought has hovered with me through every activity.

    Do any of you have thoughts about this? Do you feel I did something wrong? Do you have any suggestions for how I can heal this pain that is re-emerging?

    This reminds me of so many times I waited and waited and waited for a response. I hate this feeling! And yet… I wrote out of the spontaneous love I was feeling at that moment….

  244.  #244Daria on September 4, 2010 at 5:34 pm

    and I don’t want any less – like being put alone on a bus – when planning a date

  245.  #245Daria on September 4, 2010 at 5:47 pm

    IM convo with a mississippi guy who wanted to hear about this:

    it will feel really good to you again… and i don’t want to be treated with less effort and special care than a queen… to me – even if it’s ‘easier’ – it feels bad on a date to take a bus unaccompanied by a man. I feel special that you put effort into pleasing me sexually… and I don’t want any less – like being put alone on a bus – outside the bedroom

    well dats sounds str8 bt y wont u jus ask him to meet u half way.and wat u mean u feeln self conscious talkin to me

    ME: i dont want him to meet me halfway
    i want him to come the whole way
    im not cool with having to take a bus to meet a dude

    HIM: well ask him dat

    ME:well lookie
    its like this
    where i live in my town
    theres a lot of police
    its not safe for him or me to drive
    cuz both of us have suspended lz
    theres a bus to a nearby town
    where he can drive
    so i initially told him
    to take the bus to me
    and hes lik eno, he wants to spend more time etc
    but not drive in my town
    so for me to take the bus to the nearby town
    and then we’ll jump in his car
    but i dont want to be takin a bus by myself to meet him
    i feel bootsy
    doin that

    HIM: ask a friend to go wit u lolz

    ME: yeah well
    nah thats not the point
    i mean
    seriously tho
    i expect a man to plan a whole date
    in a way thats like romantic
    and shows me a good time
    if anything he could come on the bus meet me, and be on the bus back with me
    or something
    i dono
    … i mean… other men drive even with their lz suspended, or take the bus to me
    soooo why would i want him to do less
    thats not impressing me

    HIM: well tell him to get on his shit and cum cause u r rite da dude suppose to do dat

    ME: ok so i take it
    if u got that message
    you wouldnt think of that stuff yourself?
    i dont really want to tell a man what to do
    then im gonna be the man
    ill tell him what i feel and dont want
    or maybe some of what i want

    HIM: u got da rite ideal

  246.  #246Daria on September 4, 2010 at 6:00 pm

    it will feel really good to you again… and i don’t want to be treated with less effort and special care than a queen… to me – even if it’s ‘easier’ – it feels bad on a date to take a bus unaccompanied by a man – i’d feel cool if you were on it with me. I feel special that you put effort into pleasing me sexually… and I don’t want any less – like being put alone on a bus – when it comes to planning a date

  247.  #247Frenchkitty on September 4, 2010 at 6:02 pm

    Hi Rachel,

    I know exactly what you mean. It’s crap when they don’t respond. And I’m also becoming convinced that men don’t understand women at all! (If interested you can read my story, post 12 on this blog). I spent months calling MC – sometimes because he asked me to – never has any credit on his phone – or just because I wanted to hear his voice. Mostly he was happy to hear from me. Or seemed it, anyhow…
    now I wonder. Never any point in leaving a message, he’d never pick them up, and he NEVER texts. Often he’d lose his phone and I couldn’t reach him. I would go CRAZY with anger and sadness and feelings of rejection. Only comfort was that I know he’s generally a telephone slut and treat his friends, his mother and everyone else in exactly the same way. So it wasn’t personal.
    Now he’s broken his phone and so I’ve gotten out of the habit of calling him. Which is a GOOD THING. And when he gets a new phone I am not starting it again!!
    That I have promised myself.
    My theory is: We feel it’s loving, they feel it’s pressure. Or us trying to take charge. And lock them into a relationship they’re not ready for, because obviously if we WERE married to them it would be cool for the wife to call her husband. So they feel if we call them we’re already seeing them in a married couple kind of way and therefore we have the right to call them, and it scares the shit out of them. How stupid is that!!! It really was just a call to say hello how are you I miss you right now. But I think THEY DON’T GET THAT.

    So no… I don’t think one message will ruin it for you. BUT I wouldn’t make a habit of it. I did and it got me absolutely nowhere, so I’m speaking from painful experience.

    I’m afraid I don’t have a magic way out of the misery. I’m dealing with my own, every day and especially every night, sometimes well and sometimes not so well. I’m in France and it’s 3am here. Why am I still up typing this? Because I know I probably won’t sleep…
    Chat some more if you want to!

  248.  #248Daria on September 4, 2010 at 6:05 pm

    i apologize about flooding with ‘tweaks’

    it will feel really good to see you again… and i don’t want to be treated with less effort and special care than a queen… to me – even if it’s ‘easier’ – it feels bad on a date to take a bus unaccompanied by a man – i’d feel cool if you were on it with me. I feel special that you put effort into pleasing me sexually… and I don’t want any less when it comes to planning a romantic date

  249.  #249Daria on September 4, 2010 at 6:16 pm

    it will feel really good to see you again… and I’m feeling a lil mad rite now. i don’t want to be treated with less effort and special care than a queen… to me – even if it’s ‘easier’ – it feels bad on a date to take a bus unaccompanied by a man. I feel special that you put effort into pleasing me sexually… and I don’t want any less when it comes to planning a romantic date.

  250.  #250Daria on September 4, 2010 at 6:39 pm

    I feel tingly rite now rereading your text and thinkin bout seein you again.. i’m also feelin a lil not so good… I don’t want to be treated with less effort and special care than a queen. To me – even if it’s ‘easier’ – it feels bad on a date to take a bus unaccompanied by the man. I don’t want a man that doesn’t want to make the effort to meet me close by and accompany me the whole way, whether we on the bus or not.

  251.  #251Daria on September 4, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    I’m feeling mixed feelings. i feel tingly to see u and i feel bad about the plan and our talk. the truth is i don’t want to take a bus by myself to go see a man. i realize its easier, but it feels bad to me. I don’t want a man who doesn’t want to be romantic… like meeting me close by and accompanying me the whole way, even on the bus.

  252.  #252mary on September 4, 2010 at 6:54 pm

    it would be amazing to see you because you always make me feel like a queen. it’ll be so fun when you finally appear! i don’t want to miss that. looking forward to it… daria

    then take yourself out for the evening and forget about him.

  253.  #253Daria on September 4, 2010 at 6:56 pm

    I don’t want a man that doesn’t want to make the trip to meet me close by , even if we both wind up going back on the bus.

  254.  #254Daria on September 4, 2010 at 6:58 pm

    Mary – we just had a phone conversation where we talked about meeitng, and his plan came out to be me taking the bus to him (after he asked me do i want him to drive, do i think he’ll get pulled over… at first i would’ve but when he asked me i realized i felt scared to have him drive). So I was saying, hmm, i don’t really want to take the bus, but I see how that would be easier… and then my phone died

  255.  #255mary on September 4, 2010 at 7:03 pm

    simply shannon,

    i love your picture too! you’re a cutie pie.

    hmmm… yes. i agree with everything you wrote about circular dating. i’m very friendly and flirty all the time, so maybe i do it without knowing it or calling it that. and i like to dress up when i go out. i have lots and lots of heels and nail polish.

    so…… maybe i’ve been circular dating without knowing it.

    anyway, i decided to be exclusive with this guy because keeping three or four guys around at the same time was getting them all so mad. and not really getting me anywhere.

    but this guy…..

    was patient when old flame came to town. and that was hard for him.

    has been patient all along. and consistent.

    and what can i say? it’s easy.

    for now.

    and now is all there is… although i am really into caring for my future self with the decisions i make now, to the extent that i can (saving money, staying healthy, no unnecessary risks, etc.) but i don’t know – maybe i’ve been just waiting for my unavailable, uncommitted man to come back, or for my ex-husband to come back (although i don’t really want him)… it feels like i’ve been waiting for years.

    so i’m suddenly saying okay. let me do “relationship.” i’m trying it out. seeing what happens.

    enjoying every minute.

    and tonight i’m giving myself time out. just to sit and blog with you guys or work or clean house or do nothing. maybe i’ll just chill.

    how fun.

    oh! i’ve appreciated all of you on this blog!

    thanks, Rori…

  256.  #256mary on September 4, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    i don’t understand why he won’t take the bus to you. does it cost a lot of money? could that be the reason?

  257.  #257mary on September 4, 2010 at 7:11 pm

    i really liked Sandalwood’s advice to just quit thinking about this guy.

    although i’m not sure i could if it was me.

    do you remember that i’m a photographer? well, i’m pretty good at photoshop, and i’ll tackle any photo and tweak it to death to make it look good. but sometimes, in the end… it’s the photos that were taken at the right speed, in the right light, that were cropped in-camera and snapped to perfection and don’t need tweaking that always win in the end.

    same with guys? i think so…

    this guy needs tweaking.

  258.  #258Daria on September 4, 2010 at 7:12 pm

    i did send a text now

    the text said.

    Im fln mixd flns. i feel tingly 2 c u an i fl bad abt the plan and our talk. the truth is i felt unheard. an i dont want to take the bus w out u on it w me

  259.  #259Daria on September 4, 2010 at 7:14 pm

    he said no to taking the bus because he wants me to come over there, where he’s at. so we can spend more time – i attaked him about sex oops – together over there… and he has his car there and we can drive get a hotel or whatever.

    I haven’t yet told him id feel cool with him coming on the bus and taking it back with me.

    its like an extra bus trip for him for 30 min for no reason other than i dont want to go to a man… well its his job

  260.  #260Daria on September 4, 2010 at 7:15 pm

    I will surely stop focusing on this about him, but he will contact me soon and i want to feel ready with my feeling messages… or just text him now…
    which i just did

  261.  #261Daria on September 4, 2010 at 7:16 pm

    i feel annoyed that my friends are late they’re supposed to come thru and BBQ

  262.  #262Nikita on September 4, 2010 at 7:20 pm


    I feel turned off 🙁
    When I imagine myself on the bus alone for a date my nana feels dry… little dust coughing vajayjay 😉 *sigh.

  263.  #263mary on September 4, 2010 at 7:21 pm

    well, i like the way you said you didn’t want to take the bus without him on it with you. that’s new.

    i like the way that sounded. and i see why you’re tweaking, too. because you’re talking with him and trying to work it out.

    maybe he’ll get the hint and come up with something.

  264.  #264Daria on September 4, 2010 at 7:46 pm

    hehe Thanks guys! i feel supported. and elated that my friend and his friends are here bbqing.

    plus i got a text back from my manly man :

    I don’t understand



  265.  #265lm on September 4, 2010 at 8:44 pm

    i just realised that low-boiling anxiety i’ve been carrying around my whole life has made getting into my body really scary and difficult. it’s like there was a barrier inside my belly. i’ve EFTed the hell out of it and healed a bunch of the garbage over the past couple of weeks and today i felt some of the tools work in a really different way all of sudden.

    i feel stunned. in a good way. 😮

  266.  #266mary on September 4, 2010 at 8:50 pm


    just curious. and hello!

    what happened that changed things for you?

    i’ll be out tonight but i look forward to your answer.


  267.  #267Daria on September 4, 2010 at 11:02 pm

    Im – tell me more about what tools and how they work better – i feel excited because same stuff is happening to me and i want to learn from u

  268.  #268Jennifer on September 5, 2010 at 4:43 am

    I’m going to go back to the EFT lady when I get home from vacation. I want to get rid of my anxiety wall like IM did.
    Cause I’m sucking at this being a girl thing. For real. I can’t stay in feminine engery for more than like two seconds. I keep forgetting the tools, and I still get so tense around men it’s DUMB.
    We went to Lowe’s herein NH to get some stuff…I lost my shopping party cause I got distracted by the paint. I like paint.
    There was a group of male employees standing around and one asked if he could help me…I said….I lost my party with my sister in it.
    He said…does she look like you? I Guffawed out loud, slapped him in the chest and said “naw brother, she’sreally tiny and blonde, just point me to the de humidifiers.”
    Was I not totally just a dude there? Not even a man, a DUDE!
    I got sooooo nervous when I saw the men that I pulled my shell over me. My shell is all masculin energy, stay back, I’ve got spikes I’ll kick your ass.
    And it’s too bad cause I was wearing my new black capris that have the tummy tuck panel in them and a wrap around top to show my assets…but I still didn’t feel safe. Maybe that’s WHY I didnt’ feel safe. But it would have been a GREAT way to practice.
    Which I’m also sucking at. I get too tense around men to practice.
    At Judo I’m focused on the training so I’m not soft and open…I’m trying to figure out where to put my feet and hands.
    Maybe belly dancing class.
    I dunno.
    Is it possible to be a woman and yet be a failure as a woman?
    I even had a FREAKIN lace overlay top made for me to help with the girly vibe….I look like I’m my sister’s mother….according to the psychic I saw in salem…she thought my sis was my kid.
    Maybe the mothering energy cause she’s six years younger than me? I dunno.
    Goal for fall:
    Increase feminin energy vibe.
    1)Switch gyms to lose some wieght and feel sexier and take belly dancing.
    2)Un pack silver goblet collection and put them in new apartment in fung shui spot to help increase feminine energy.
    3)Fantastic new sexy bedding….lots of textured pillows and sexy plum colours.
    4) EFT session.

    Can you guys think of anything else?
    Other than pointing out that using masculine energy stuff like lists and stratagies is wierd to get more feminine energy? LOL!
    That’s just how I process…I’m very goal oriented.
    My aunt also thinks I may be on the spectrum. LOL! Thank god I’m high functoning.

  269.  #269Simply Shannon on September 5, 2010 at 5:17 am

    Daria: I haven’t read through all the posts but my gut reaction is just “I feel excited/open to see you, but I don’t want to ride the bus.” Period, the end. Like just saying No. Or “Oh ok, I feel bummed. I want to see you but I don’t want to ride the bus.” Him: Excuses, excuses, I want this to be easy for me, excuses. Me: No. I feel open to seeing you but that plan doesn’t feel good.

    Some of what I read felt like explaining. Ya know? Like you’re telling him you want to be treated like a queen instead of just baby steping through what feels good. Yes to “this”, no to “that”.

    I hope that helps.

    I’m off on vacation. Beach = here I come!

    See ya’ll in a week! <3

  270.  #270Simply Shannon on September 5, 2010 at 5:19 am

    Something about being treated like a queen – I have no idea what that means or how that looks. So rather than saying that specifically, I’m telling him what I don’t want as things come up. Makes it less about stating specifically what you want. You say what you don’t want and get to be surprised. Maybe feeling like a queen is completely different than what you imagine it might be.

    Okay, bye ya’ll!

  271.  #271lm on September 5, 2010 at 7:53 am

    i think i have always always had tonnes of anxiety (from living in an abusive home as a kid, which made me hyper-vigilant), but i have been working on addressing this through hypnotherapy and eft. i did a session with erika which helped tremendously.

    now that i can go inside, i feel all the siren tools a lot differently. the wave and all the water tools. i think before i just thought i was using them….does that make any sense? i’ve had some moments of bliss just sitting at my computer feeling all watery and carried away, like i didn’t have to work at it.

    eeee! felt pretty nice!

  272.  #272Nicole on September 5, 2010 at 9:43 am

    @faubourg. The urge you have to make this happen is a virus planted in your mind that you aren’t worthy enough to deserve the attention of men. You must explore this, get inside the fear, take a look at it, feel it, make it present in your consciousness until this “pain” realizes it is being observed so that it desolves into it’s nothingness.

  273.  #273Lucy on September 5, 2010 at 11:23 am

    Hi Shannon. How did your night with Fab Kisser go?

    Mary, I feel jealous of you! But also very happy for you. 🙂

  274.  #274Erika Awakening on September 5, 2010 at 12:11 pm


    “i just realised that low-boiling anxiety i’ve been carrying around my whole life has made getting into my body really scary and difficult. it’s like there was a barrier inside my belly. i’ve EFTed the hell out of it and healed a bunch of the garbage over the past couple of weeks and today i felt some of the tools work in a really different way all of sudden.

    i feel stunned. in a good way.”

    Yeah, that was my experience too, that HBR (my system of applying EFT) made it possible to be congruently feminine energy instead of “trying” and “failing” to be able to use the tools.

  275.  #275dorothea on September 5, 2010 at 5:39 pm

    Hello peoples

    LI took me camping. It was so much fun and I feel so impressed by his masculine behavior and approach. He got everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING together for our few days in the middle of nowhere. All I had to do was bring myself and some clothes to wear. He got the food, the supplies, everything everything together. We got up there and he put our tent up, chopped the wood, built the fire, everything everything. And then, he didn’t pull that “well men do labor and women cook” crap…He cooked every meal for me and told me not to lift a finger. It felt kind of shocking, to be honest, and I felt uncomfortable at times. I felt most uncomfortable with how he was doing everything I could possibly want. Major feelings of unworthiness bubbled up to the surface. He had mentioned taking me camping earlier in the year, and I thought it was going to be one of those things a man just doesn’t follow through with. But he did it without my nagging or bringing it up ever again. Funny how that works – the things I nag about get neglected the most. Like Rori says, Be Surprised.

    On our last night there, he insisted I start the fire. He said it was really important that I know how to build a fire, because one day we might all find ourselves without artificial heating systems in our homes or working stoves in our kitchens. I did a great job! And I love that he felt protective of me and wanted to ensure that I could take care of myself with this basic skill that most of us don’t know.

    When we got back, he took me to a concert, and he had already bought the tickets in advance. An issue for us has been his not getting tickets in advance, which makes me feel anxious as hell, but this time I just let it go and didn’t say anything, and he actually got the tickets well in advance. Yet more feelings of unworthiness bubble up in me. Now that he is doing everything I could possibly ask for, I have nothing to balance out my own inadequacies. Oh great!

    This is a lovely problem to have, though. I’ll take it.

  276.  #276mary on September 5, 2010 at 5:39 pm

    hi Simply Shannon, and i know you’re on vacation…

    i was just wondering how the evening went with Mr. Fab Kisser.


    tell us when you get back! happy trip to you!

  277.  #277dorothea on September 5, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    yay it’s mary. i’ve missed you really bad!

  278.  #278Jacqueline on September 5, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    Dorothea!!! I was feeling all abandoned!! OMGosh, it’s good to hear you’re back. So camping as in no electricity? lol….and how is LI????

    Can’t wait for your story, etc.

    Welcome home!


  279.  #279Jacqueline on September 5, 2010 at 6:21 pm

    ps….will be interesting to explore the unworthy thing, and do you feel all reconnected to nature, etc? It can be very moving – and wow the sunset today, the sun was HUGE!!

  280.  #280Lizzie on September 5, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    I have discovered I NEED a man who has good brains. Brains that will take an adventure. Brains that like creativity.
    Since I have good brains, it can be a real curse. I NEED brains. OK now this is what I really really want in a man –
    awesome brains
    someone who will use those brains to send strong masculine energy into me
    I what his brains to ravish my brains, then I want his totally sexy body to ravish me
    Great brains are sexy

  281.  #281Lizzie on September 5, 2010 at 6:52 pm

    sexy adventure brains – that is it.
    What do you think if I change my eH profile to say that I am passionate about men with sexy adventure brains?? I wonder what would happen…

  282.  #282Lizzie on September 5, 2010 at 6:52 pm

    What do you think if I change my eH profile to say that I am passionate about men with sexy adventure brains?? I wonder what would happen…

  283.  #283Lizzie on September 5, 2010 at 6:54 pm

    Jennifer – I am going to organize a fundraising event in the fall. It would be totally fabulous if you came down the highway and would be a model in the fashion show that will be a part of the event. It will make you feel so completely awesome you!

  284.  #284Lucy on September 5, 2010 at 7:03 pm

    I’m with you on the brains thing, Lizzie!

  285.  #285Lucy on September 5, 2010 at 7:06 pm

    Dorothea, I feel happy for you — your camping adventure sounds wonderful!!!

  286.  #286dorothea on September 5, 2010 at 7:07 pm

    Miss Jacqueline:) Camping as in no electricity and no running water and peeing in the woods.

  287.  #287Jacqueline on September 5, 2010 at 7:11 pm

    haha…..ummm, well didja have toilet tissue? hardcore you!!!


  288.  #288dorothea on September 5, 2010 at 7:12 pm

    Thanks, Lucy! Man oh man I am so behind on this blog, and I have so much going on this week that I am not sure I will be able to keep up. Next week, I will be able to read everyone’s comments…it feels so important to me to keep up with everyone here. So provided that these threads don’t turn into 1000 comment triggerfests, I look forward to catching up eventually.

    I feel so overwhelmed but I gotta make it all happen. I’ve got major sh*t going on with my first job, major projects with my second, an interview to possibly transition over to my second job as my first (with better pay and hours), a business trip to Portland, and the GRE to study for all in the next week. ay ay ay.

  289.  #289dorothea on September 5, 2010 at 7:13 pm

    yes, jacqueline, you’ll be proud to hear that I did, indeed, wipe.

    haha i feel silly!

  290.  #290Lucy on September 5, 2010 at 7:15 pm

    Um… Dorothea…. I feel triggered by you discussing wiping on here.

  291.  #291dorothea on September 5, 2010 at 7:15 pm

    i am at my LI’s..he is making me dinner while I am working. he doesn’t want me to ever leave. we are so in tune with each other and just love each others’ company. i am going to experiment with leaning forward and go sit in his lap and lay a big kiss on him. yum! i’ll report back in a moment.

    i noticed that when i man is in his masculine energy that it feels so much more care free for me to lean forward when it feels good. i don’t feel like i’m chasing at all. let’s see how it feels, though, to lean forward physically right now.

    i feel excited!!!

  292.  #292Lucy on September 5, 2010 at 7:15 pm


  293.  #293dorothea on September 5, 2010 at 7:16 pm


    poop. pee. toilet paper. dirty booty.

    WHAT NOW!!!!?

  294.  #294dorothea on September 5, 2010 at 7:19 pm

    oh jeez i got so wrapped up here i lost the urge to lean forward. eh..

  295.  #295Jacqueline on September 5, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    well, the paper comment after the S**T at your job….priceless! gonna go hug my guy, I am inspired!


  296.  #296ocean on September 5, 2010 at 7:45 pm

    I have a comment/question that formed while reading Jason’s post on the top of the page. I welcome feedback from all here.

    One of the difficulties I face on dates is that while I’m in my feminine energy as fully as I can be, is simply that it doesn’t lend itself to interesting conversation, which I value, esp on early dates. It would seem that my verbal expressions and mode of discussion comes from my masculine energy, and not only with men – with women too. For me, this gets to the heart of Rori’s teachings about being more in our feminine energy. I realized that with some things I default to masculine energy. However, this hasn’t ever been a problem as far as being pursued by the guy. (By masculine energy I don’t mean that I pursue in any way, but that I FEEL like I’m coming from masculine aspects of myself when I have conversations deeper than small-talk.)

    I feel organically drawn to stimulating conversation over dinner, or a picnic, or whatever, and I think that’s because it’s my way of having fun, and enjoying my time, getting to know the guy. While I agree completely with the idea that feeling messages bring a guy closer, in practice (in the early dating stage) it feels inappropriate. I’ll say things like “this feels so fun” or “I feel happy to meet you”, but if I don’t feel that way, then I don’t say any feeling messages because it wouldn’t be very charming of me to say “I feel painfully bored” or “I feel unsafe”.

    So, if anyone has any input on this I’d love to hear it. How do you have fun on say, a dinner or coffee date without reverting to masculine energy? And how do you stay grounded in the feminine when it doesn’t seem to be very sociable, or you just don’t know the guy and don’t want to express your neutral-to-unpleasant feelings?

    I’m curious about this because it feels more difficult to be in my feminine energy fully on dates than it is to be in it once I’m close to a guy. Once there’s some established intimacy, it’s easier to be and feel feminine, and it feels appropriate.

    Also, if I feel not-attracted to the guy from first sight, I think I go into masculine energy as a self-protective measure, because I don’t want him to be attracted to me. However, it doesn’t work. Lol.

  297.  #297dorothea on September 5, 2010 at 7:46 pm

    Ok, I leaned forward for my experiment. He said, “I am going to start cooking in a minute,” as he stood up from the sofa. And I got up and walked over to him and pushed him back down and sat in his lap and kissed him. He was delighted, haha, and then I started move away from his lap and he grabbed me tight and put me right back down on his lap and pulled me in for more kisses. Then I came back to my computer and he walked over and he followed me over here and just kept kissing me. Then he suggested I take a break from work for some more lovin, but I declined, cuz I really do have a lot to do….

    that was a happy experiment.

  298.  #298dorothea on September 5, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    I am not officially exclusive with LI but I am not circular dating.

    I am feeling good about where I’m at. No rules. If I don’t feel like dating anyone else, then that’s great. And if I get asked out by someone who truly intrigues me, then that’s great too.

    I think circular dating in the past has taught me a valuable lesson to use now, which is that I am free to leave at any time if this doesn’t feel good, and if he decides to leave, there are so many other guys out there in the world. I don’t feel like I need to see other people to put pressure on him to propose to me. I feel like it’s the vibe of my knowing that I could find another man easily that inspires him to move toward Forever.

    I am still circular dating myself. It feels good to go out where there are men, and take time to do nice things for myself.

    By the way, I HATE when men ask me “do you got a boyfriend” when they are hitting on me. So besides the point. Do you see a ring on my finger? Okay then..

    What do you all think?

  299.  #299dorothea on September 5, 2010 at 7:53 pm

    I would like to clarify that we are not officially exclusive because *i* said so. We have an understanding..he doesn’t date other women because he is proving himself to me, and I can do whatever the f*ck I want 😀 But he knows that if he asks for my time before any other man can, and if he treats me well and moves us toward Forever, I will have no reason to date around excessively.

  300.  #300ocean on September 5, 2010 at 7:53 pm

    Also, what does it mean to “qualify” a man?

  301.  #301Daria on September 5, 2010 at 9:03 pm

    Jennifer – I felt just like that! when i first started understanding about masculine energy and feminine energy

    i do have suggestions:

    1. For femininity, its important that you See and Speak your Worth as. in positive. the Goddess. the most beautiful essence on earth… beauty. that is you. and everything else too. women we are the most beautiful creations in the universe. our female polarity is beauty what else can really be as beautiful that is not like us in some way? that we are nto like in some way? like stars how iur hair glistnes… and how our bodies move and catch eyes… we are so beautiful and magical and GOOD like oozing peach juice and caramel.

    So – in order to be feminine – you are almost there – you must from now not speak bad of yourself or put yourself down. and when you catch yourself doing it, out of automatic habit. you will pause and apologize to yourself. and tell yourself the truth. that you are a woman and you are. telll yourself something that is TRUE and GLORIO?US about yourself. something to honor the Goddess .

    2. what would it be like if you believed you were lucky? what if you KNEW you were naturally lucky? like, you got what you wanted, most likely… that was just because thats what it is… you are lucky… and you get what you want, naturally… would you feel happy? what would it feel like to really belive you were naturally lucky? like things would really work out for you, cuz thas how its always been… you’ve always been lucky, and if you werent, you are now, clearly you are lucky. there’s not hing to worry about, because for everything, there is someting better about to happen…. thats just how things would happen for you! what if you could trust that you were lucky/? say to yourself. i choose to believe that i am lucky! and guess what ! this just might work to get me to believe im lucky! why? because im LUCKY! woohoo im lucky im lucky! i really get what i want, or better stuff, i choose to notice how lucky i am … omg i know i probably WILL get this cuz im lucky! yeah!!! woo hoo… all my life from now on im gonna be lucky!!!

    then when you think … “aww i;m not getting what i want. or im tired of carrying this burden” you can think ” ohh, haha thats awesome, i can have this thought and it not affect me, why cuz im lucky! im one of those lucky natural EFT or whatever people, for me im lucky and i can just choose stuff and it happens for me , haha im lucky still hahahaha.

    and i choose to believe i get the help i need, why , cuz im lucky, im lucky i ml ucky , yahooo!1! what do i want to do ? with my life. andything! because im hust lucky .1 right now and from now on! woo hooo!!!

  302.  #302mary on September 6, 2010 at 1:47 am

    hi Dorothea!

    i missed you too.

    294 wow.

    295 even more wow.

    i think i’m in the same place. thank you Rori!

    circular dating healed me in so many ways… i feel like i could get out there again very easily, so i don’t have as much fear about what the guy decides to do. let him back away. it’s been done to me before. and it devastated me, really set me back, but here i am. doin’ fine.

    if i’d only known i’d be here now, i’d have not waited so long to start dating again. it was so fun being out there and filling up my calendar! and meeting different guys, and like simply shannon said, discovering my preferences. how wonderful. i wouldn’t have wanted to miss it.

    so now if the guy leaves, i’ll be sad, i’ll be a little fearful, but i’ll also think, “so this is how it is…” and start working on my calendar again.

  303.  #303Jennifer on September 6, 2010 at 5:14 am

    I would LOVE to come down the highway to do fashion modeling!
    That sounds like superfun happy camp time!
    Can you FB me the details?
    I will do the eft luck mantra you typed out. Thanks for the suggestions, it feels like sychronicity to me.

  304.  #304Jennifer on September 6, 2010 at 5:49 am

    you know I’m like size 16 right?
    Is that gonna work?
    I feel self concious……

  305.  #305Lizzie on September 6, 2010 at 8:13 am

    Jennifer you shall continue to be beautiful! Did I tell you what kind of fashion show??? Ok so the event is a tea party – a woman only event and we have a sponsoring supplier of the best French and European lingerie you have ever walked around in. I did the event 2 years ago and it was a HUGE success – so much fun you just can’t believe. I had 10 real-women modeling. Every age, every body type. Some wore sporty lingerie, I do garters, another did bra + thong; another wore a silk nightie – full gown; I have a hatter do hats for us, hair and make-up etc etc. It is such a blast!!

    There is considerable pressure for me to do the event again because it was so much fun – so I am getting started. I want to do it before Xmas – maybe around or the same day as Grey Cup so all the women can leave their men in front of the TV –
    what do you think??

  306.  #306Daria on September 6, 2010 at 11:55 am

    oh wow ladies!!! lingerie modeling sounds super fun1 i feel excited and jealous!

  307.  #307lm on September 6, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    i feel really happy that i was just journalling and doing EFT around my resistance to doing laundry (ha!) instead of my so-called problems with men! this is a real sea change for me. wow.

    things are shifting and the season is changing!

  308.  #308Daria on September 6, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    Yay IM! something that really gets me going doing a task like that – used it successfully to exercise a lot the past week… and clean up my room… and paint my toes .. —

    is this 4 minute Wendi Friesen youtube hypnosis.

    I just imagine myself happy to start the task (yeah right thinking but oh well i just imagine myself smiling… and doing it happy and at the end ending just like i want it And acknowledging and feeling accomplished)

    and then next thing i knew i found myself doing the task smiling from ear to ear

  309.  #309lm on September 6, 2010 at 2:09 pm


    thanks for the link. i have some wendi friesen cds (one on forgiveness that is really sad and has made me cry so many times!). i will check it out.

    i was tapping on the statement ‘i choose to make everything fun today, even laundry.’ and i feel crazy good.

    now i’ve gotta go do it! 🙂

  310.  #310Daria on September 6, 2010 at 2:10 pm

    omg. i just used it for dishwashing my sinkful of dishes.

    I realized as i was imagining it how often i feel triggered – “grossed out” whhile washing dishes, tho its really just food that i can wash off my hands, and my body tightens up feeling icky a lot… this is sooo great practice to practice relaxing and meditating… and alos placing the pots beautifully in the other sink!

    and i had an image of a painting, with a goddess dressed in white, with her hands in a sink, washing dishes, smaller figure to the lower left side of the painting…

    and as shes washing, around her her aura huge, filling up the painintg with other layers of transforming colors

    all the energy she’s transforming, magically , practicing .. while in 3d shes washing dishes…

    oooh i love this image!

    im gonna magically transform my energy and expand my aura huge and create great chnge and transformation while washing my dishes

  311.  #311lm on September 6, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    yay dishes!

  312.  #312Jennifer on September 6, 2010 at 6:11 pm

    I think I am super stoked!!!
    It sounds like a BLAST!!!
    I am very excited!
    Just let me know when and where.
    Should I bring a friend?

  313.  #313faubourg on September 7, 2010 at 5:49 am

    hello sirens,


    Thank you for your reply,(272)

    I am very grateful for it, yes i will follow your advice, it hurts to think that i do all to be noticed by them (in the wrong way) : i try to impress them (it’s like i tell them : “see how brave i am, how kind i am, how sweet i am, how much i do my best to understand you, see how intelligent i am, see how much i understand so many things, see that i work hard, i exhaust myself, i do not complain, etc…. i let you be a man by putting myself down, by acting like a kid so you can feel so much like a man, a strong man (that they are not…)

    thank you nicole,
    and i understand that i do that at work, at friendship, everything in my life, ex: yesterday a friend came to see me, someone i love very much and i did not eat in front of her because she is diabetics and i did not want to make her feel uncomfortable and i was very hungry you know, she is the sweetest woman so it is really not her it is me, i work hard to be loved so hard and i let my needs down, i put myself last, my words, my opinions, my body, my whole self,

    i embrace my need to win other’s people’s love and friendship, i accept it and i will start to feel how it feels to do that

    i will explore this, get inside the fear, take a look at it, feel it, make it present in my consciousness until this “pain” realizes it is being observed so that it desolves into it’s nothingness. (i like “the pain being observed” it is such a nice way to say it, and it makes it like a person, it makes it less powerful and more manageable, more vulnerable, like a poor little pain scared and doing all to protect itself)

    the first thing i felt when i read your answer was : “i feel ashamed” no man will ever come to see me, it is easier to work hard towards men than to accept this simple sentence : no one will want me, ever
    i accept my shame and i will explore it,

    i went out friday night for the first time since years and i felt so unadapted, like not noticeable, translucent, invisible, or ugly, fat, disgusting and dumb

    it was violent! i tried all i could to talk myself into feeling like a siren, a juicy woman, etc but this nasty voice kept banging at my head : what are you doing here? go back to your house close the door and die! no body will want you, you are ridiculous stupid and sooooooooooooooooo ugly, you are dressed like a nothing
    oh my god this was awful but i was with a lovely friend, she was so kind to me, i remembered rori the whole time, that i am a juicy woman, it is a huge step for me and thank you rori and all of you because even though the ugly sentences in my head i went out i danced and i laughed a lot,

    you are wonderful all of you,

  314.  #314faubourg on September 7, 2010 at 7:38 am

    i am wonderful too!

  315.  #315ReneeJ on September 7, 2010 at 11:14 am


    How would a Siren attract a man on facebook?

    Write posts so he can comment because she is the center of attention; don’t comment on his posts?

    Don’t write posts because it’s like initiating a conversation; comment on his posts?

    Do some of both?

  316.  #316TxMsPretty on September 7, 2010 at 7:15 pm

    This is EXCELLENT!

  317.  #317BarbinOz on September 8, 2010 at 3:33 am


    I feel so sad reading your post, YOU are wonderful too, you just have to BELIEVE it 😀

    Much love
    Barb xxx

  318.  #318faubourg on September 8, 2010 at 4:05 am

    Thank you so much BarbinOz, my eyes are filled with tears reading your message,
    it is good to have a blog where i can write these things which i am ashamed of, it is freeing myself from them

    and receiving love like you did, it feels my heart with wonderfulness and self esteem
    many million thanks!!!!

    and much love to you too,
    i like the smiley 🙂
    a big huge hug to you,

  319.  #319Daria on September 8, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    yay Faubourg for your dancing despite the loud ass nasty voices!

  320.  #320faubourg on September 8, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    thank you Daria!
    they were loud!

    btw i like your picture, very nice

  321.  #321Daria on September 9, 2010 at 12:29 am

    thank you!

  322.  #322faubourg on September 9, 2010 at 11:14 am

    i have noticed that now i start to let men i come across in daily life to be in their masculine energy, it feels good and it becomes more and more natural for me,

    i let my cute neighbour open the door for me, i started doing it and then i had a little voice telling me stop! and he opened it for me with a big smile, it was so charming and i felt so much like a woman

    and this afternoon a guy told me that he would come to see me to give me a parcel i was waiting for. to make it short : we had an appointment outside, i was already there when he arrived, i started to walk towards his car and it started to rain a lot, he said “stay away from the rain i will come” so i went to a dry place and he walked into the rain to give me the parcel.

    it felt so good and it felt right for him too, first i said “no i will come” (he was in the car) and then i thought he wants to come let him be a man and let you be a woman and receive this gift of a man being kind and caring,

  323.  #323Daria on September 9, 2010 at 11:15 am

    yay fabourg! that’s awesome! me too! it does feel lovely!

  324.  #324AmberS on September 9, 2010 at 11:54 am


    I feel so happy reading your post! You sound so juicy feminine and surrounded by strong men.

    My daughter just had an experience where a guy carried her packages into the shipping office for her. She was surprised at how good it felt to let him!

    We realized that we were taught that if someone was giving to us, then we were taking from them. BUT that’s just NOT TRUE.

    If someone is giving to us, we are RECEIVING. Which is something else entirely! Receiving is a blessing to both parties. Allowing someone to give to me was one of the first things I learned from Rori’s book.


    ps- will you please explain to me how I should be hearing your name in my head? I feel puzzled. I don’t know how to pronounce it to myself?

  325.  #325faubourg on September 9, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    it feels good to be called juicy feminine! thank you

    i understand very well what your daughter felt, he carried her luggage it is so romantic and she must have felt so much like a precious lady,

    these guys seemed really pleased to please me! they had such a smile on their face i was amazed and the energy between them and i was so light and pleasant,
    and it was not like flirting it was more like chivalry, courtesy 🙂

    i realized i do not have to be strong and tough and work hard and be an independant strong woman no i can also be soft and vulnerable and rely on a man to do the hard work, and he is so happy to!!!! that’s what i felt amazed to understand i think, if you knew how much i never ask for help and even less for men’s help, it was ass kicking to me this new way of communicating with men, and they are nice too!

    it was a real surprise to me! like i learned something today, it was like a live example of what rori teaches us!

    Faubourg is a french word, it is not my name, it means “avenue” it is a word that i find chic and pleasant, to pronounce it : like you would pronounce “faux pas”, “pas de bourré” (dance), “faub bourre” if that helps,

    Amber is one my favorite colour, i love the smell, i love the stone : I think it s good for strength and for good health,

  326.  #326faubourg on September 9, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    thank you daria,

    yes it’s good good good and goooooooooood!

    i can’t wait for the next time,

    and now also i sit down close to very elegant and beautiful men in the metro, they smell good too :-)))

    i make myself do it, i used to watch them from far, not anymore, last time i had one in front of me and one sitting on each side of me, nice hair, nice shoes, nice watch, nice eyes, nice tie everything was nice on them and i was embracing their energy, nice perfume,
    i have fun too doing that,

  327.  #327Brenda on September 9, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    I needed that dishwashing visualization. Dishes are one of my least favorite. I am a wimp and I don’t like to get my hands dirty or even wet (unless I’m swimming or having sex, of course! LOL!)

  328.  #328life_is_too_short_to... on September 9, 2010 at 4:05 pm

    Hello all,
    I have to vent. I am stuck. I have been reading you all and Rori’s blog for a while. You are all amazing !

    I’ve been doing some circular dating trying to keep myself from crashing and burning over the man I am addicted to and who I know is no good for me, but I can’t shake him, because no one makes me feel as alive and full of enthusiasm like he does and I can’t seem to do that to that level for myself.

    He’s like chocolate cake. Lots of apparently good stuff that tastes oh so good, disguising what is really not good for me at all.

    I know Rori would say to dump him. He has been stringing me along for ten months now in a virtual relationship over the phone. He has had many stressful things happen to him over the past two years, but professes his love for me, and says whatever he thinks he needs to to keep me coming back for more.

    He was my first love when we were teenagers, and that love has been the love by which I measure every other relationship since then. I was close to his family, too. Of course, nothing since then really measures up.

    We live five hours apart and got together on four different weekends and it was magical, yet I knew there was something off. He is emotionally unavailable. He has been seeing other women and is still not finished with his ex-wife either, apparently. I feel he lies to me.

    I feel like i am only getting crumbs and it feels like crap. I’ve really tried to disengage from him and not answer the phone or return calls, and even told him to leave me alone, but he leaves messages that make me feel guilty,
    and then tells me the feel good stuff so I keep answering the phone when he calls every day.
    He will also say hurtful things to me. I feel that he has control issues.

    At one point, we had agreed that he wouldn’t call for a month, and he pretty much stuck to that.

    I don’t understand why he just won’t leave me alone
    so I can just move on with my life. I don’t understand why he doesn’t get that this is torturing me. Maybe it’s because I think about him all the time and he can feel it.

    I’m trying very hard to be excited about all the other things in my life, but for some reason it just doesn’t compare. It was so magical with him, the short time we spent together.

    He has been using his circumstances to avoid coming to see me for ten months, so I finally had to pull way back and was not available all weekend long and while I did go out on a date one night, I had him believe that I went away for the weekend. I did not say with who or anything. After the weekend I spoke with him on the phone. He accused me of avoiding him and being aloof. We got into a heated argument because I said i was tired of being strung along, and we never make any plans, and that he never says, “i’d like to see you soon”. We hung up because his daughter came over. Next morning I texted him “no more talking on the phone. If you want to talk come and see me, no excuses.” He declined. If this makes him stop calling me, that will be good.

    But right now, I feel so low, like this is truly over. Even though I thought I was trying to get rid of him, I was still hoping and wishing for it to work out.
    I have enough insight to know that this is all probably because of an underlying dysfunctional pattern due to a lack of self worth, but I truly love the guy as well, and just can’t seem to fully let it go.

    I feel very, very sad. Nothing I try to get excited about gets me out of this sadness for very long.
    I don’t feel like dating anybody else or that I will ever want to sleep with another man, and that I will just end up settling.

    Evan says attractions like this never grow into healthy relationships. I was happy to read that, but is that really true.

  329.  #329Rori Raye on September 9, 2010 at 11:09 pm

    Dear “life” – Welcome, and so sorry this is so painful for you. Just keep working on interrupting your thoughts of him with other things – trying to get the hormones and the intentions and your neural activities traveling down different pathways. Jut put him on your horse and keep riding through your life…you can do this. Love, Rori

  330.  #330faubourg on September 10, 2010 at 12:29 am

    Dear Life is too short

    you NEED to put yourself first in your life, he is coming first in your life and you are left far behind,

    and what about your dreams, your projects, your qualities, your wishes, your friends etc….

    he is in your space, he is distant but with the phone he takes all the room in your space, how could you think of someone else or meet someone else, he is always there and checking on you if i understand well

    he takes and does not give,

    maybe he cares for you maybe but what the use if he is never there for you.

    you could write a list of all you are craving to do in your life, and start doing them, start with a little wish and then bigger wish (buying a new pair of those amazing beautiful shoes), traveling to africa, i don’t know,

    you could invite your friends for a dinner party, or go out to a place full of life and beautiful people well dressed smelling good 🙂

    don’t be sad, you are not alone and you are someone important

  331.  #331Jennifer on September 10, 2010 at 3:33 am

    I will never get moved….this is gonna go smootly.
    I HATE moving….this is the start of something great.
    Im gonna be broke again…..this is a new era..
    B is having a better life than me……I have a FANTASTIC life…
    Judo man is making me nuts…..This poor man is attracted to me even though he doesn’t want a relationship, he can’t help himself cause I’m a juicy magnetic rock n roll earth goddess.
    I hate getting up earlier for work……this is great!! HOUSE TO MYSELF for an hour!

  332.  #332life_is_too_short_to... on September 10, 2010 at 4:39 am

    Thank you Rori…does “put him on your horse and keep riding” mean, don’t necessarily write him off completely, but don’t make him top priority and take care of yourself first?

    And yes, thank you, faubourg, I am giving too much and not receiving much except being checked up on and too many shots of sugar, instead of B12. Your suggestions are wonderful. After all, he said that a relationship was at the bottom of his list of priorities, yet he is dating. I agree, I very much doubt he is ready for a relationship, so it is good that we are not getting into a full-fledged one, and he wants to keep in touch perhaps for when he IS ready…but I just don’t think it is fair to me at all, to play it the way he is playing it. I had asked for a lot of space. He would not give it. Until finally there had to be an ugly confrontation to get it. That makes me sad.

    Jennifer’s “flip list” is another good inspiration.

    A visiting relative yesterday told me how much they admire my ability to not let disappointments and failures stop me from picking myself, dusting myself off, and coming back better and stronger.

    I think I will keep that in mind today, and also get back on keeping my gratitude journal.

  333.  #333Lizzie on September 10, 2010 at 5:51 am

    Life, Oh, I feel the pain in your words, that feels so sad.

    Consider that he is a messanger in your life. He triggered wonderful feelings! That sets you up for the next wonderful relationship. At the moment you are leaning in too much and need to let all that go so that you can be present and accepting of a new man. A new man needs time and space to be giving to you, and you must be ready to recieve. Practice with CD. It is great fun and is good with not being invested in the outcome. Baby steps!

    Keep the door slamed and locked on this distant man – he is manipulative and is turning you into a victim – he is dangerous in a bad way. Feel your strength grow – take all that negative energy he generates in you and turn it into your growing strength. The flip list is fabulous and I do it in my head when I go down that “I am not worthy” pathway – I am strong and centred and attract goodness to me and I have wonderful clients and friends who adore me, life is good

  334.  #334Feeling on September 10, 2010 at 6:21 am

    Question… when I’m CDing myself, how do I keep from feeling really sad when I notice other couples? I planned a beautiful night out for myself and then felt miserable because everywhere I looked were couples snuggling, holding hands, etc.

    Has anyone else experienced this? How did you handle it?

  335.  #335faubourg on September 10, 2010 at 6:42 am

    great tip this flip list!

    i am a lonely person and will always be…….. i have friends now and i am learning to have great relationships with men i fancy and who treat me like a queen

    i am fat and flabby….. i love sports and i love my curvy body and i learn so much on nutrition these days!

    I am stuck in this situation and i feel guilty…….. i am learning how to get away from shame and guilt for something i am not responsible of

    I am responsible for others’ mistakes….. I am not responsible of anyone except me

    I don’t know how to be myself…. I am more and more authentically myself and i love it, what a relief!

    I am ashamed to show my dancing skills…… I dance and celebrate my life with my dancing

    And the gratitude journal i use it everyday since about two years and it has changed my life,

  336.  #336Rori Raye on September 10, 2010 at 9:23 am

    Feeling – Brava to you – and this is Great – the idea is to TRIGGER yourself. Now you know that when you see other couples being happy – you automatically jump to the thought that you are LACKING this…what I want you to try is to reverse your thoughts – just for practice –try BLESSING every woman you see in a couple. Instead of envying her – watch her – see what she does that’s working. See how he reacts – study her. Study the energy of them together. Catch yourself making judgments, and replace those thoughts with curiosity. If you’re religious, get god into the conversation about how this is what you WANT, this is what you’re going for, this is what you CAN have. Everything can be helpful if you USE it that way? ohh…I’m going to post this…Love, Rori

  337.  #337life_is_too_short_to... on September 12, 2010 at 11:33 am

    Thank you, Lizzie, I very much like the messenger and triggering perspective. It takes the blame and victim out of the equation.

    Without making excuses for him, I don’t think he wants to be this way, but he is very toxic. I am still not sure if it is that he has an abundance of toxic qualities, or if he is all out toxic and probably cannot ever change.

    But it doesn’t matter. All I can do is have compassion, but stay detached and unattached to outcome and hope he does some inner work for himself because I am sure he is suffering.

    I am taking the wonderful feelings and channeling them into everything else I do, just like I was doing when I thought we were going to be together. It is working! I have been doing great work with my clients this week!!

    The truth is, which truth is challenging to always live by, is that all that love, joy, happiness comes from your very own self, not the love object, so if that is true, which I do believe it is, then we have access to it every instant.

    Because of the kindness of yourself and the sirens and Rori on this blog, my pain is becoming less.

    This weekend I got to visit with my precious daughter home from college. When she left I hugged her deeply and cried from the depth of my heart at how much I love her and miss having her around. But I always carry her in my heart.

    Today I went to the dog park and connected with at least a half a dozen men and women and doggies! and enjoyed myself immensely.

    Yes….I CAN do this!!

    Thank you all

  338.  #338FrankLove on September 14, 2010 at 3:29 am

    You Cannot Trust Your Man

    Typically, when we profess to trust our mate, we are either lying or misusing the term. Most likely we are lying with an intent to project some virtuous responsibility upon our mate, with the hope that s/he will continually protect our feelings and make us feel safe…

  339.  #339Rori Raye on September 15, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    FrankLove – you’re welcome to post here – we can click through to your URL – but I’ll delete you as spam if you put your link in the body of your commen t(I edited it out this time)….that said – you are WRONG!! Trusting that you are loved is the cornerstone of all romantic relationships – and that’s where we want to go. Rori

  340.  #340Christyne on October 12, 2010 at 8:11 pm

    Hello Rorie,
    I just received your dvd set, so I am new at your Siren process.
    I’m 1 1/2 yrs divorced and I am just getting back “out there”.
    I met a nice man this summer and at first he was seemingly very interested.
    After about 2 months of going out about once per week and talking regularly, he completely “bailed out” and said that “this isn’t going to work.”
    He stopped responding to my calls and texts completely.
    I did not call him for 1 month and neither did he. I finally sent a brief text message and he responded promtly but we are still at a stand still and not talking much if at all.
    I am leaving out a lot of details here.
    One thing that he said often when we were talking was – we need to go slowly and( I would text him often during the week) that I could NOT get upset with im if he didn’t text or call back right away.
    Towards the end he stated that he’d just gotten out of a relationship 3 wks before we’d met and that this was too much to deal with.( he did tell me about this relationship early on after I asked him if he had a girlfriend)
    I feel badly bc I think that I did all of the things that I am NOT supposed to do.
    Help! I like him!