Relationship Advice From Todd Creager: When You Change Something – He Changes, Too

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If you have my Toxic Men program, and my Monthly Interviews program – you know how much I adore Todd Creager – as a man, as a therapist, as a coach, as an innovative thinker and teacher about relationships.  I just grabbed this off of his newest newsletter – go to his site and get your own for free!

by Todd Creager

Here’s a little clue to what YOU may need to develop in yourself to be a more fulfilling partner:  What is the trait about your partner that is the most irritating?

In most cases, whatever that trait is- is the very trait you need to develop MORE OF IN YOURSELF!

For example:

If your partner is too “irresponsible,” you may be overly responsible and need to be more playful and silly and less of a “manager.”

Or, if you’re partner is too “anal,” it may mean that you need to pay more attention to your own clutter and clean some things up.

This clue seems to work with our children as well. The traits that bug us about our children may also point to areas of ourselves that need more developing and attention.

There is something I say often that is related to this idea.  The thing that most attracted us to our partners at first later can drive us crazy. You may have liked that wild, crazy person you were dating; only now that you married him, you are tired of his irresponsibility.  We are attracted to people often times because they are manifesting what is hidden or latent in ourselves.

Let’s end this with some good news that I have observed.  When I have seen a partner take this “clue” seriously and begin to develop that “latent” aspect of him or herself, the other partner often changes as well and in a direction that is desirable. It’s as if there cannot be too much of one trait between the two of them so things start to balance out.

Try this and see what happens!

Here’s to getting the love you want,

Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT
Relationship Therapist, Speaker, Author
Schedule your 30 minute strategy session with Todd

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  1.  #1Daria on August 6, 2012 at 7:49 am


  2.  #2Femininewoman on August 6, 2012 at 7:49 am

    Hello .

    Men put up a tough exterior, but inside they crave affirmation of their manliness. They crave respect. Men feel so strongly about respect and disrespect that the absence of it can end a relationship.

    Why have you never heard of this before? It’s because of several reasons, but one reason is that the desire for respect is so deep that many men don’t even realize other people (women) don’t sense it.

    You know how men can be so emotionally insensitive and act as if logic is the only thing that matters in an argument? It sometimes seems like men are emotional idiots. Well it feels kind of like that for men when it comes to the respect issue. Although…it’s not quite like that because men just clam up and pull away instead of verbally expressing their exasperation.

    Most men don’t realize you have to point out ways a woman has subtly shown disrespect. They just get angry and close down or pull away. They assume you did it because you don’t respect them. Men feel unloved by a woman when they don’t feel respected.

    The respect issue is so powerful, I want to urge you to spend some time training your mind for greater awareness of the way it affects men. This is my invitation to you to use the training material I’ve put together for you on this topic. You can get a copy of my guide on this life-changing concept here.

    Watch for my next email on the topic of affirmations and self-esteem. Do affirmations work? We’ll dive into that issue next.

    James Bauer

  3.  #3Daria on August 6, 2012 at 7:52 am

    Wow this feels exciting

  4.  #4Iamabutterfly on August 6, 2012 at 8:04 am

    I feel really curious about this post. Feels kind of scary but also exciting. Can’t wait to learn more about myself!

  5.  #5Femininewoman on August 6, 2012 at 8:10 am

    I read “I miss feeling you kiss me.” in the NewsLetter and felt my insides go all soft and gooey.

  6.  #6Starla on August 6, 2012 at 8:57 am

    Hi Sirens, I don’t have internet at home anymore, but now I’m at work.

    I’ve been going on dates like crazy with different guys. I’m having a WONDERFUL time. They spoil me rotten and really treat me like a princess. An intellectual princess 😀

  7.  #7bloom-ing on August 6, 2012 at 9:06 am

    i bought an anthology of poetry, edited by Robert Bly, & in one of his essays, i found it interesting to read his idea that men triangulate their relationships with Women, Nature, & the Unconscious, so that their attitude toward 1 reveals their attitude toward all 3. hmmmm feels curious & interesting… : )

  8.  #8Francesca on August 6, 2012 at 9:08 am

    Yay Starla!

  9.  #9bloom-ing on August 6, 2012 at 9:13 am

    starla, that sounds yummy & fun : )))

  10.  #10Tam on August 6, 2012 at 9:20 am

    I feel so stuck right now.
    I want to book my flights to Florida just to have something positive, something to look forward to.
    I know it’s not exactly ‘happiness created from within’, but I feel like the energy for that has evaporated at the moment.

    I can stay with a friend. And I would have company therefore also. He has a young son. I was hesitant because I just wanted to be by myself, but perhaps it is nice to have someone my age and also a kid, perhaps it will make me shift quicker, to have a different perspective. I don’t know.

    I don’t want to keep thinking of MrU and the ‘should have’, ‘could have’ scenarios and the ‘what is he doing now’. I want to have fun and forget and feel happy and sit in the sun and visit my friends and go for happy hour. Wow, writing this already makes me feel soooo much better.

    I shall book my flights.

  11.  #11Tam on August 6, 2012 at 9:25 am

    Oh, and maybe something interesting for us all.
    The very friend I mentioned wrote me a little message today. I had been telling him that I feel sad and heartbroken over the last 6 months and all the stuff that happened, like the near marriage and then running with MrU who then dropped me basically. I told my friend that it is silly that I can’t seem to move on and slip back into old patterns, and get sad and hanker after this man etc.

    And he said this:
    ‘would you not rather be the feeling person that you are, the person with an open heart and empathy and a conscience…there is a price to pay. You feel sad occasionally, you feel like you can’t let go, you feel defeated and angry – it’s the price for living a full and a good life’.
    Wow, I never saw it like that.
    But I guess it is true, perhaps part of it is true, though I feel i am overdoing it. Still, I liked what he said, and it made me feel so much better, so much less like wanting to beat myself up.
    It made me feel good for feeling sad and feeling in pain and for loving. It validated my ‘bad’ feelings.

    I still feel sad but I also feel like ‘yes, I can feel sadness. I am not a block of ice. A block of ice feels nothing. I am human, and I love and feel sad and hopeless sometimes, and even obsessive. And it’s ok’.

  12.  #12Francesca on August 6, 2012 at 9:26 am

    “Risk! Do something different. Say something different. Think something different. If you have never written a love poem, go write a sincerely felt, badly written love poem. If you are not very expressive, express to your partner how much she means to you and how much you appreciate her. If you are sexually inhibited, do something sexually that is outside your comfort zone- not necessarily too outside your comfort zone- but a little outside your comfort zone. ”

    I like that!

    I’ve decided that I was going to leave little love notes to my man once in a while, something romantic, even though we both are not really romantic.

  13.  #13Memulo on August 6, 2012 at 9:26 am

    He texted that the next court decision is in a couple of hours and he is not happy with the process so far. What do i reply?? I’d I say feeling hopeful for the right decision it will sound stupid and annoying if they don’t?

  14.  #14Francesca on August 6, 2012 at 9:33 am

    bloom @7

    That’s intriguing.

    I’d like to hear more about that.

  15.  #15MissStix on August 6, 2012 at 9:37 am


    I feel a little silly writing this but I love what you quoted!

    I will talk dirty with my man. It’s not too far out of my sexual comfort zone, but I do know he likes it and it is slightly uncomfortable to me…I shy away from it.

    Feeling excited to feel uncomfortable LOL

  16.  #16bloom-ing on August 6, 2012 at 9:38 am

    memulo, can you just say – thanks for the update, i feel moved by the frustrations that stand in the way of you being the father you want to be & i feel confident that you will work it out so that you can be just that. xx

    that’d be what i’d say because YOU don’t have anything to do with the process or the decision, you’re just in the stands, rooting for a Good Man – – –

    now what other good men will line up to be there for you… it doesn’t sound like this one is stepping up to claim all your time…. he sounds Busy & Distracted right now…. what other men will offer you fun & love ? i feel curious : )

  17.  #17MissStix on August 6, 2012 at 9:43 am


    What I would text looks like this…

    “I feel glad to hear you are happy with how it’s going! Hoping for the best!”

    Light and easy but also shows your support and that you’re behind him.

  18.  #18Tam on August 6, 2012 at 9:47 am

    I don’t want to be picked up and dropped anymore, like some toy.

    I want to be picked up and carried somewhere nice by a nice man who doesn’t want to ever drop me.

    I hope he doesn’t contact me again. The practice is over and I don’t want to see him in Florida. I really don’t.

  19.  #19MissStix on August 6, 2012 at 9:48 am


    I like your way too! It’s very feeling, and supportive!

    Sending my best vibes to memuolo! Be yourself and speak from a genuine place. You can’t go wrong!

  20.  #20Francesca on August 6, 2012 at 9:48 am


    He is not happy…:(

    I would just say “Thanks for the update. Sending you good vibes”.

  21.  #21Francesca on August 6, 2012 at 9:50 am

    MissStix @15

    Yay! Go for it! 🙂

  22.  #22ReceivingGirl on August 6, 2012 at 9:51 am

    Previous thread

    Radlove 1067

    Those are some clever ideas. Thanks.

    Annie 1078

    Yes, it is difficult not to get dragged into gossip of any kind. I think it’s human nature. I feel when it is a constant thing, it’s just overbearing for me. With my mother, it is ALL the time. The negativity and judgments are constant about herself and everyone else. It’s very draining.

    I’ve tried being authentic with both my parents and every time it has backfired on me. It’s ok for them to say whatever they feel like saying, but when someone else does and it’s not favorable towards them, then you are insulting them. Only on a rare occasion have I received an apology.

    MissStix 1069

    Yes, that would be something someone in my family would say!

    Overall, I do think we all do this, but I also think there are different levels. For example, when I am judgmental, it’s usually based upon behavior I don’t like. If someone is being rude, I may comment on that. That sort of thing. I do not have constant comments, negativity or judgments. I am judgmental against my family for all their judgments.

    My family on the other hand make more personal attacks about things that cannot be changed, like someone’s ears, forehead, chin, etc. How people choose to live their lives, how people dress, if they get a pet, how they raise their kids, etc.

    I’m trying to curb my judgmentalness. I was raised with it and it’s very negative. I don’t do it all that often, but more than I would like. My family, on the other hand, it’s 24/7. It’s very hard to combat, especially when you are the only one trying to combat it.

    I think I will try the positive comments in response to the negative and see what happens. Maybe if I throw positivity around at every sign of negativity, it will rub off.

    The direct approach doesn’t work and these people are aware of how they are, but they choose not to change it, by saying they can’t.

  23.  #23Iamabutterfly on August 6, 2012 at 9:54 am

    I feel good about two things. One of them is that a younger guy was staring at me from across the building yesterday. I was feeling really sad at the moment, but for some reason, seeing him stare at me the WAY he was staring at me made me feel all melty.

    I didn’t feel scared or stiff or panicked. I felt comforted by his gaze, so I looked right back at him and I smiled and it felt so good.

    I was talking to two other women, but he totally came all the way from across the room.

    Then, I felt like he was waiting to talk to me?
    But, I was talking for a long time.

    and I was waiting for my ride as well.
    so it felt like he gave up.
    but it still made me feel good.
    Even though he is probably a bit young, he is really cute, and I don’t think he knows that I’m a bit old for him. 🙂

    The second thing that makes me feel really good is that I’ve noticed that I seriously no longer feel the need to lean forward with anybody.

    Leaning back feels natural and wonderful and like the best thing in the world to do.

    and that feels good.
    and it gets me attention.
    and attention feels good.

    I’m going to be okay. I really am.

  24.  #24bloom-ing on August 6, 2012 at 9:58 am

    francesca, i felt curious about it too…. i read “A Little Book on the Human Shadow” by Bly…. & i’ve read his Rilke translations & the accompanying essays…. this book is called “News of the Universe” ….. omg i love it really : )

    his idea is that we “project” our fears out onto the world, but we are really doing internal battles. very Jungian… & he focuses a lot on “civilization” & the relationships we construct between real-self/shadow-self, self/other, man/woman, human/nature…. most of his writing is written For men, About women which can be…. confusing ? but also very illuminating : ))

    the “news” anthology is written for the Sierra Club, so the focus is nature. his idea is that because of industrialization & praise of “reason”, humans have become separated from nature VIA the creation of intellectual “hierarchies” …. he talks about the disappearance of nature-worship & how slowly…. slowly…… men seek “order” through deciding other groups are “below”……. first it was nature, then it was women, then other races…… very intriguing. i love reading someone rejecting the idea of hierarchies : )))))) that’s my JAM : ) lol : ))) anywayz…. yes. so he does actually posit that “awareness” & “intention” are distributed EVERYWHERE, no hierarchical jazz, from stones to air to cows to old men : ) yummy i love it ! & i’m feeling SUPER judgmental now… weird. i’m judging my man for saying things like dogs & humans have different levels of intelligence… i say, maybe, sure, but we are no BETTER, we are not Higher, we are not More… i love myself & my silly anti-hierarchy hierarchies…. i remember feeling super judgmental also after i read “a little book on the human shadow” because i had been given the book by my first boyfriend & ……i remember feeling like, dude, if you read this book… why are you not behaving in an Enlightened manner ? lol…. sweet man…. he wants to be a Shaman now ! so ……. i guess…. he found the “path” he was looking for……….. somewhere else…… very Bly, though, to go be a Shaman. hmmmm……

    anyway, yes, thanks for sharing my excitement !!! yayyy new books & interesting men who share their perspectives : )

  25.  #25LiliBee on August 6, 2012 at 10:01 am

    The trait that bugged me the most about D was he is funloving in an irresponsible way.

    I have observed in myself the trait of being too serious and uptight.
    I have learned over this summer to let myself loose and enjoy myself.

    I have become more of a funloving social butterfly.

  26.  #26Starla on August 6, 2012 at 10:03 am

    Friday I went out with V on our second date. He took me to this brilliant restaurant and then to a bar we both like and I kissed him and it felt nice:)

    Saturday I went out with LuciferCD (lol). We met downtown for an adventure and he randomly picked a super fancy restaurant and in we went and enjoyed ourselves, and then I took him to the arcade and we played video games all night:):)

    last night I went out with WarriorCD (aka supercrazyhotiamnotgoodenoughforhimCD), and he showed up with a toy unicorn for me (awww, it’s an inside joke we have lol), and he took me out for sushi and then he took me to the arcade (haha, was just there) and we played lots of games and won tons of tickets and he picked out a yo-yo for me at the prize counter and I kissed him and it felt… meh. But not bad.

    I felt a little scared that I hadn’t heard from him as quickly as I usually do, but he just texted me, not even 12 hours after he dropped me off.

    So yay, these men love me

    I am making these guys incredibly happy and lucky.

    yay for us all

  27.  #27ReceivingGirl on August 6, 2012 at 10:04 am


    Maybe something like,

    I hope things go in your favor. Good luck in court.

    Or, I’m thinking of you.

    He’s not looking for you to say anything that will help. He’s wants to feel support.

  28.  #28bloom-ing on August 6, 2012 at 10:05 am

    i’m feeling weird & secretive today. feel like running away. feel like doing naughty things. feel like breaking everything & starting new. feel like being taller : ) lol yum feel like not taking sass from anyone. feel like not HEARING sass anywhere…. feel like becoming immune to sass & sarcasm : )

  29.  #29ReceivingGirl on August 6, 2012 at 10:08 am

    Yay Starla!! 🙂

  30.  #30Starla on August 6, 2012 at 10:09 am

    for some reason I read that as “I feel like breast feeding today”

    wtf starla?

  31.  #31ReceivingGirl on August 6, 2012 at 10:09 am

    I feel curious about this article. I think there could be a lot of truth to this. I will need to ponder more about it.

  32.  #32Francesca on August 6, 2012 at 10:17 am


    That’s really interesting.

    Maybe he writes for men about women because men have been in “control” for many years and always had the upper hand on most everything (women, nature, animals, etc.).

    Even though things changed and we are now where we are (women), it’s still a men’s world.

    Anyway, that’s how I feel about it.

    As for humans being superior to dogs…I think not.

    A dog would never hurt another dog on purpose, in my mind they will only do it if they feel threatened…unless they were trained by humans to be mean.

    However, I still feel that conditioning has a lot to do with how humans behave.

  33.  #33Femininewoman on August 6, 2012 at 10:19 am

    LiliBee “an irresponsible way” this feels judgemental to me. It might be because of the uptightness. But I would continue to unearth these beliefs and start changing them. Phewww. We all have so much to learn.

  34.  #34ruth on August 6, 2012 at 10:23 am

    hello again

    still feeling a bit overwhelmed and, well, small

    Starla, it fels good to read of your dates, about time you got the princess treatment.Enjoy!

    Tam, hm, I felt connected reading Dominiques ppost to rebecca about how pain and sadness can be part of who we are.Yes, better to feel than not feel at all(a big lesson for me, alwasy loking for an anaesthetic)

    Miss bells, radlove–Oh, I feel so helpless for your situations.And i feel angry.I want you both to have love and not what is there for you now.And i feel bad for saying that.You are both strong women who can make up your own minds but still——-

    Gentle hugs for BW and flower child

    Feeling isnpired by your posts Miss Stix

    Lilibee, I dont know what to say.I feel at a loss.But the other sirens can help

  35.  #35bloom-ing on August 6, 2012 at 10:27 am

    the other way i’ve heard this described is

    “your greatest strength is your greatest weakness”

    you’re organized ? you’re annoying !

    you’re fun ? you’re frustrating !

    you’re smart ? you’re boring !

    you’re pretty ? you’re vain !

    you’re frugal ? you’re cheap !

    you’re humble ? you’re a doormat !

    you’re social ? you’re selfish !

    actually, though, i find that the best way to open the conversation….

    “baby, i know you’re so organized & always on time & that’s important to you….. but sometimes i don’t want to feel Rushed & it would feel so nice if we could just trust that we’re going to get there when we’re supposed to & relax & enjoy the trip… what do you think?”

    “i feel so impressed that you’re so social & charismatic….. but sometimes i just crave a quiet night in pajamas, eating ice cream on the couch. just us telling each other secrets… what do you think?”

  36.  #36Tam on August 6, 2012 at 10:31 am

    Ruth, yea, right, I had used my anaesthetic and become all numb. Well, to hell with that. So I feel sh**, sad and hankering after what I can’t have. Ok. That does not make me any ‘less’.

    I realise that I have tons of issues. But at least I am aware of them and no longer (just) blaming others and being judgemental. I have become far more accepting in general, and when I hear really judgemental people, i feel turned off. MrU was extremely judgemental, and part of me wonders whether with the little bits of healing I have done, I would be totally turned off by him now – that is an interesting thought and one I would like to cultivate. It doesn’t fit with this article, because I was also extremely judgmental…sooo….but anyways.

    No more numbing of pain, no more numb. I think even being angry is better than feeling numb.

    Just there has to be a balance between the sadness and the good feelings and that is where my work is. I want to feel good again, even just for a little while, it has been so long, and yes, there are little bouts of happiness in everyday life but right now they are a thin veneer.

  37.  #37Miss Bells on August 6, 2012 at 10:36 am

    Now–HS is depressed.
    This too is a repetition. I told him I trusted that he would figure it out and in the meantime let’s finish the book project..

    I am not his mommy or his therapist.
    What do the sirens think?

  38.  #38Tam on August 6, 2012 at 10:36 am

    35 – blooming – that’s interesting, and a good little exercise to look at things from a different perspective..

  39.  #39Francesca on August 6, 2012 at 10:37 am

    “baby, i know you’re so organized & always on time & that’s important to you….. but sometimes i don’t want to feel Rushed & it would feel so nice if we could just trust that we’re going to get there when we’re supposed to & relax & enjoy the trip… what do you think?”

    Oh, I like that.

    My man is almost always in a rush and I like to take my time.

    As an example, when we’re eating, he’ll be wolfing down his food while I’m slowly enjoying every bite and as soon as he’s finished, he gets up and starts doing the dishes. Meanwhile, I’m still sitting there, finishing my meal and telling myself that I have the time in the world and I don’t even feel rushed to follow his example and finish eating earlier.

  40.  #40Rebecca on August 6, 2012 at 10:53 am

    Recieving Girl

    O…M….G I totally relate to your post about your parents and their judgements. This is soooo similar to my family!!! I don’t know how I’ve survived it, it had nearly driven me to suicide. It has felt like an extreme torture at times. I can’t tell you how much it annoys me.

    Ahhhhh…. Just thinking about it makes me angry. I wonder whatit has to bring up for me…

  41.  #41Miss Bells on August 6, 2012 at 10:58 am

    I am feeling a bit frustrated.
    I need some furniture if I am going to stay here. I need to tend the garden and repair the neglect of it. I need to re-inhabit my kitchen. I need curtains that are pretty, and paint in the rest of the house that isn’t white. But–if it is best for me to leave soon than all that would be a waste.
    Maybe I will ask if he minds if i paint. And just do it.
    All the decorating he did by himself looks like a motel–cheap drapes, etc.
    Everything charming except the antiques belong to me.

  42.  #42Iamabutterfly on August 6, 2012 at 11:03 am

    confession: when I was doing things I’m passionate about for Modern Siren, I need 30 more things. I never finished.

    I feel a little over-whelmed to come up with thirty more things…

  43.  #43ruth on August 6, 2012 at 11:05 am

    I cant think of 100 either lama

    I feel a bit boring

  44.  #44Rebecca on August 6, 2012 at 11:06 am

    Ahhh… I’m also realising that I can be so bitchy… People have told me. I do talk about people behind their back. I wish I could change. I always think thats what people hate about me… Ahhh (((((me))))))

  45.  #45April Rose on August 6, 2012 at 11:06 am

    “…In most cases, whatever that trait is- is the very trait you need to develop MORE OF IN YOURSELF!..”

    Okay. I get it. I need to become more dangerous…

  46.  #46Dominique on August 6, 2012 at 11:13 am

    I don’t think I could come up with 100 things I feel passionate about, not even close, but the ones I do, I give my entire body, heart, and spirit. And this makes me feel very happy, fulfilled.

    There are no rules here. There are no numbers. It’s all guidelines.


  47.  #47Iamabutterfly on August 6, 2012 at 11:14 am

    confession #2 : I was crying in church yesterday. I go to church with SeenmecryCD. It’s a BIG church. I was sitting there feeling so sad and crying and I look up and SeenmecryCD is looking right at me.

    It made me feel embarassed. It’s the second time he’s seen me cry.

    I know it doesn’t mean anything. He still has that girlfriend. But I felt moved by his compassionate facial expression.

    if nothing else, he cares that I was hurting.
    and that felt comforting.

  48.  #48ruth on August 6, 2012 at 11:20 am

    thank you Dominique

    I do take things too literally at times, it would seem

  49.  #49Iamabutterfly on August 6, 2012 at 11:24 am

    I can’t remember when he did this, but one time Jack CD looked at me and just simply said “You are very passionate.”

    It made me feel surprised and blushy that he noticed.

    at that point, I didn’t even think that I had revealed that much of my passion to him.

    but he’s right, it’s very true.

    There is very little in my life that I’m NOT passionate about…

  50.  #50Iamabutterfly on August 6, 2012 at 11:28 am

    last weekend, he was just watching me from across the room. and he seemed fascinated. and I don’t know why. I was doing or saying or feeling anything special.

    but when I noticed him staring, I felt…exposed and scared.

    It was okay for me to feel that way. I’m not going to beat myself up for my genuine feelings.

  51.  #51Iamabutterfly on August 6, 2012 at 11:35 am

    Reading over my “breakdown” comments over the weekend, I felt somewhat detached from them, since I had worked passed them at that point. but I was amazed at how everyone seemed to know exactly how I was feeling…like I was falling apart…without me having to communicate it all perfectly.

    I feel so amazed by the power of women, and by the community on this blog.

    Feels great. 🙂

  52.  #52Rebecca on August 6, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Wow, this post really resonates with me. Most men that I seem to like are highly challenging. They are super competitive, they don’t like, and sneer at any signs of weakness, they like to get things done, they like to be positive all the time, they only say what needs to be said… Gosh the list goes on…. Blimey, they are the OPPOSITE of me!!!??

  53.  #53ReceivingGirl on August 6, 2012 at 11:40 am

    @40 Rebecca

    I feel bad you have this in your family too. But, I also feel glad to know others can relate & understand.

  54.  #54Iamabutterfly on August 6, 2012 at 11:43 am

    I feel kind of shy posting so much, but it feels good to type out a lot and see how I’m feeling and what I’m learning about myself. I really want to be gentle with myself and to learn about myself right now.

  55.  #55Belle on August 6, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    Wow. I started writing out thoughts related to comments on the previous post, and my thoughts on what I’ve learned about myself from my past lovers and the ways I felt irritated by them, and have written pages and pages and pages and pages.
    Must. Create. Blog.

    I feel inspired. I feel some doubt – I’m sure the way I see things is certainly different from one of my ex’s who I am currently good friends with (real friends, with long breaks to integrate, shared values, mutual respect and care and all that jazz) and I wonder how he might react to reading my perspective. I feel trust. I trust our friendship to weather it and we’ll probably learn more about each other. I feel a wacky fear – what if I write and write and write and write and never stop? *grin*

  56.  #56ReceivingGirl on August 6, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    lama – I couldn’t come up with 100 either.

    I had a guy friend (no one I dated or care to date) tell me that sometimes I’m so passionate about things, I scare people away. I never understood what he meant. I always think of passionate as inspiring, not off-putting.

  57.  #57Francesca on August 6, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    Right now, I’m a bit too passionate about cheese curds…

    Squeek, squeek! 😉

  58.  #58Annie on August 6, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    Receiving girl.

    How about, what are you judging yourself about?

  59.  #59Annie on August 6, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    Miss Bells do you think it is in your best interest and higher good to spend money and do a house up that belongs to someone else?

  60.  #60Iamabutterfly on August 6, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    @55 Receiving Girl – aww, I felt kind of sad reading that. No one has actually ever said that to me, but I have seen the fear in people’s eyes! Feels…too powerful or something.

    wow, I keep thinking about Seenmecry CD. I completely lost it in the passion department in front of him. (the passion wasn’t about him, it was something I was feeling in front of him…)

    and he told me he loved it…

    It feels good to have your passion appreciated, rather than feared, doesn’t it?

  61.  #61April Rose on August 6, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    “…In most cases, whatever that trait is- is the very trait you need to develop MORE OF IN YOURSELF!…”

    Does this apply to ‘toxic’ traits?

  62.  #62Tam on August 6, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    I just posted an old photo of me in short hair on fb and one male aquaintance said something like ‘oh, like that I wouldn’t even look at you’ . The guy is less than attractive, nearly bald and has a gf. It kind of triggered me and then I just said that it’s perfect because I also like men with hair, and in any case he is taken so when I cut my hair short again and we meet for drinks, he can just look away the whole evening. Jeepers, some men are so full of themselves….he he. Funny.

  63.  #63Tam on August 6, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    April Rose, actually, my unavailable guy said something that shook my world and made me realise that I was just as unavailable emotionally. So yes.
    It was a total turnaround of my life, and a big shock and all makes sense now.
    Not so much getting triggered by a different issue, but getting triggered without realising that he was a mirror of me.
    Since I started healing he disappeared…interestingly.

  64.  #64Rebecca on August 6, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    Receiving Girl

    Yes, it is something that I really battle with. What upsets me about my mum is when she discusses someone, say for example they’ve put on weight or let themself go. She will talk about them but when I suggest maybe talking ro them to help them she’ll really talk dowb to me in quite a sharpe dictatorial tone and say ‘Ooh nooo rebecca, don’t get involved, I don’t want to get involved, it’s nothing to do with me..’

    This really annoys me!! I think why bring it up for h’vns sake!!! Aghhhh it drives me mad…

    I don’t get it. I wish I understood my mum a bit more. Her fear to connect with people has really affected me. I feel like she only cares about things if it affects her or her immediate family. I am soooo the opppsite. I don’t get it and it really upsets me… I really want to heal this… I feel scared writing this… I know its going to bring up some uncomfortable feelings and lots of fear…. I feel scared that I am doing something wrong because my mum is always telling me that I am and putting the fear of god in me that I will become over involved in other peoples business. She is obsessed with it. Yet she ‘talks’ about their business ALL the time… It all makes me feel so uncomfortable and yucky… I want to heal this…… ((((((((((me))))))))))))£

  65.  #65Rebecca on August 6, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    I love to rush to help people… Maybe I am wrong… I feel scared now like I will be punished… Like I will find out that my way is the wrong way…. Aaahhhh love to me… I am so scared… ((((((me)))))))

  66.  #66Miss Bells on August 6, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    58: I wouldn’t pay for anything except the portable furniture.

  67.  #67Tam on August 6, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    60 ermmm..I don’t mean we should develop more of the ‘bad’ traits, no. I don’t think this article rings true in a few things actually. It helps to be aware what triggers us and why, but for example, my (ex-) guy can’t ever communicate or verbalise anything much….surely that doesn’t mean we should clam up too, if we are ‘too open’ (which I was not at all)???!! Of course it got to me but I would hate to think I should emulate that behaviour because it triggers would make my issues even worse! So no.

  68.  #68Rebecca on August 6, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    Tam re postinh your pic on FB..

    Hmmm… I’m thinking why did this guy even go to the trouble to tell you that he wouldn’t be interested in you… Me thinks he means the opposite hehe :))

  69.  #69Rebecca on August 6, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    Hmmmm… I feel scared… I feel like something is going to come bqck and bite me in the bottom… I feel scared…

  70.  #70Tam on August 6, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    67..yeah Rebecca thanks, well whatever…to be honest, I wouldn’t be interested in him at all, which is why it didn’t even trigger me…besides, I couldn’t go out with someone who thinks it’s ok to dump a person due to lack of hair or any other physical issue that might occur, thinking of illness or whatever. He is currently with a Latina with beautiful hair who makes his life hell, he told me that he is not allowed to go anywhere she is so jealous and possessive..when he goes to the shop she calls to make sure he doesn’t ‘get lost’ haha…so he’s got his long hair alright!!

  71.  #71Starla on August 6, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    wow tam, i hear about women who are like that, and the men who are with them and put up with it… and it makes me feel jealous, like i’m not allowed to be the slightest bit crazy or my guys just poof.

    i put my foot down like that, but over reasonable things, and guys just poof.

    like my best friend… she nags and hounds her husband all day long over everything, but he just loves her to death.

    how come i don’t get that liberty?

  72.  #72Tam on August 6, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    70 Starla, yes, that puzzles me too. I am thinking that maybe those men are attracted to women who rule the roost, so maybe somewhat feminine men?
    And we wouldn’t be likely to have a feminine man, would we?
    I mean, the guys I was with would never tolerate that either, OMG, not in a million years.
    I do nothing and they poof, lol. maybe I should try being possessive, controlling and a nagger – just to see what happens..I was the opposite, the doormat, some of the time and see where that got me..nowhere. Hm. Dunno.

  73.  #73Starla on August 6, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    these men are totally masculine men. i think it’s that they can actually HANDLE it. the men who poofed on me when i acted that way were just too fragile.

    i also think they have a lot of sexual desire/true love for their women.

  74.  #74bloom-ing on August 6, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    i feel weird. i just talked to my cousin & for some reason felt sad & low…… kept thinking of “bad” things cd said over the weekend & judging him for it…. kept imagining “leaving”……. ((((hugs)))) to me, can barely type it… lol……. feeling stuck & sad & ill ……. ? hello baby don’t worry i carry you ok thank you….. i’m not scared & i’ll leave if it’s time, i promise… k thank you…. are we leaving ? are we mean ? are we bad ? no… none of that at the moment.. good girl sweet girl not judging you…… calling my cousin back i think. what am i doing ????? nothing much, just living. one day at a time : ) ok i can i feel better thank you.

  75.  #75bloom-ing on August 6, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    what did one strawberry say to the other strawberry?

    if we weren’t so sweet, we wouldn’t be in this jam : )


  76.  #76Tam on August 6, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    Starla, not sure I would see it as a healthy relationship and true desire and love when a woman castrates a man as he spends 5 minutes longer at the shop because she thinks he is cheating on her.
    I personally see that as a sick dynamic..I once has a bf who was intensely possessive and jealous. It sounds like ‘oooh he was so in love with you’ but he was not right. He wouldn’t speak to me a whole day if I smiled and chatted to a waiter just to be nice.
    I hated it. It was the reason we split up.
    This guy I know also hates that his woman is so possessive but yeah, free sex and she cooks nicely, apparently – do you think this shows a lot of love on either side? Hmmmm not so sure…not at all.

  77.  #77Tam on August 6, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    I would like a man that I can trust 100%, so I wouldn’t need to feel jealous or possessive. I know, that is a hard thing to find but I had it once. It all comes down to trust. Trust and mutual respect.

    BTW, I love the strawberry thing blooming 😉

  78.  #78Starla on August 6, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    tam, i see what you’re saying, and i’d never choose that sort of relationship for myself. BUT not everyone is on a path to enlightenment (or even interested in it) and they do the best they can with what they have. i don’t think my best friend’s relationship and marriage of several years is a sham. their love is certainly true. she married a man who is truly committed, no matter HOW she acts. And she is truly committed to him, no matter how she feels like acting.

    some people are just volatile/uncensored

  79.  #79Tam on August 6, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    77…maybe. I think it eventually will take its toll, but who’s to say. I am hardly the expert, but I know when I have been acting up and always appreciate a man when he can stand up for himself, even if it is to tell me I was out of order. I’d respect him more than a ‘yes’ man – I had one of those too, he’d have loved me whatever I’d have done but inside him was the rage which came out in the end…that was unhealthy too. Each to their own 😉

  80.  #80Radlove on August 6, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    RG, Annie, and Miss Stix,

    22 and from the previous thread – My family is a lot like this too, and I have combated it for years. The positive comeback is the best approach I’ve found yet.

    In the past, I would be angry and say, “I’m sick of hearing the negativity and putdowns! Stop it!”

    That just bred more negativity, and I became the object of criticisms.

    If I tried to state it calmly, I still became the object of criticism and attack.

    Four years ago, my therapist suggested that I say, “Mom, I love you, but I need to go.” Then just walk out the door, doing that every time she wallowed in negative talk. It was an extreme measure after years of her not responding.

    it was effective. Initially I got very harsh attacks, criticizing me for not having unconditional love, attacks on moments when I lapse into negativity, threats to end our relationship if I don’t want to be around her.

    Then after a number of times walking out with an “I love you” and a hug each time, she came to me and we had several heart to heart talks. She finally got it.

    After a few months, I found I didn’t need to do that anymore. I just made the positive counter-comment and she would adjust her words.

  81.  #81Starla on August 6, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    hah, LuciferCD just sent me a nice note asking me out again and thanking me for “letting him take me out” hehe

    Well, I’m batting 100% with second date invitations (and 3rd date invitations also)

  82.  #82Radlove on August 6, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    RG, Annie, and Miss Stix,

    One other approach I’ve tried is to sarcastically agree with them and expand on it. For example:

    “She is SO loud, don’t you think??”


    “I don’t know why the Soandso’s always have to be late, everywhere they go! Have you ever seen them arrive on time??”


    That approach did NOT work because it just cultivated that negative vibe and she didn’t get it. She just got angry.

  83.  #83LiliBee on August 6, 2012 at 1:52 pm


    Hi Tam:

    I find it easier to trust someone when the communication is open and honest on both sides.

    I am working real hard to open up authentically in my communication.

  84.  #84Radlove on August 6, 2012 at 1:54 pm


    74 – LOL, thanks for the smile! I’m a sweet one, that’s for sure! 😆

  85.  #85LiliBee on August 6, 2012 at 1:55 pm


    I feel so happy for you reading how much fun you’re having Starla 🙂

    You had that coming to you.

  86.  #86Miss Bells on August 6, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    HS seems to actually believe that we had a short fling and are now back to being friends. We were together for 4and 1/2 years +.
    It feels belittling to me.

  87.  #87LiliBee on August 6, 2012 at 2:03 pm



    My guy is not a communicator.
    It is driving me absolutely nuts!

    It is forcing me to look at my own communication skills and developping them.

  88.  #88Rebecca on August 6, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    My mum really annoys me as she has a real ‘told you so’ attitude. She’s always sayings things to me like ‘I told you not to speak to so and so. I knew they would upset you. You never listen to me’. This attitude really annoys me… I feel it is toxic… Yuck!!

  89.  #89Tam on August 6, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    82 Lilibee, that’s a very good thing to aim for. I am trying the same…it sounds easier than it is..

  90.  #90Starla on August 6, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    thanks lilibee:)
    i always knew i was something really special:)
    CF did a pretty great job of making me feel special, but there was the problem of my not feeling secure or knowing in my heart i was special. and he also did not believe he was special (even though he was the specialest ever).
    When we broke up, I dedicated a few months to just focusing on how special i believed myself to be.

    I am loving life right now:) These guys treat me fantastically. I just expect it. No question:)

  91.  #91siren song on August 6, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    sweet, starla.

  92.  #92Miss Bells on August 6, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    At least that is what he tries to imply to me. I don’t think he really believes it.
    We lived together as a couple all of that time.

  93.  #93Radlove on August 6, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    My new 24 year old CD is over the top! I’ll name him Young Buck. He has been texting me like crazy! He is giving me practice using all sorts of feeling messages:

    I feel unheard.
    I feel unsafe with a man when my boundaries are ignored.
    I feel uncomfortable.

    I am meeting him more for practice than anything. He just doesn’t get it! I tell him stuff over and over and he just ignores it! I don’t feel like he’s anything other than clueless and enthusiastic, or I would cancel altogether.

    We are planning to go swimming in the bay and out for a drink. He hinted left and right about coming to my house, repeatedly. I told him I don’t want to come to my house for a first date.

    I highly doubt there will be a second date. He reminds me of training a puppy. I don’t mean that to sound too derogatory but he is just off the hook all over the place! Yet he’s fun and keeps making me laugh. I think he knows he’s disarming and milks it for all it’s worth. LOL.

  94.  #94bloom-ing on August 6, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    i’m actually feeling pretty angry. hi anger ((((anger)))) nice to hear from you….. i feel your burning…. but your words feel lost…. thanks for coming slowly…. can you tell me more ??? oh ok i hear you . i heard you. thank you for sharing………. i’ll ask the man about that later for you……. anything else ?????? ????? ?? yes, loud. i hear you. lol….. OK yes, that is important. that too. you’re right : ) do you feel better ? kind of…. (((hugs))) it’ll be ok. i will deal with it & you will feel good about it : ))) hoorah : )

  95.  #95Radlove on August 6, 2012 at 2:14 pm


    87 – Yuck! I hate that kind of treatment, too. I would say, “That feels bad to hear.”

  96.  #96Smile on August 6, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    Miss bells, I feel confused when I read you feel belittled by this man, he doesn’t acknowledge your relationship, he is openly dating and encouraging you to date to… And you want to stay and put energy into decorating this mans house?

    You feel like a strong woman with boundaries but I don’t feel you are caring for your own heart. You truly deserve to have all those pretty things in your home but I fear that this is an attempt to mask the problems and try and create the tranquil peaceful home you desire?

  97.  #97Starla on August 6, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    I gotta say, I spend the great majority of my feeling message energy expressing how great a man makes me feel.
    it’s never backfired
    it’s never made me not enough of a challenge
    it forges trust and makes it really easy and natural for me to say “i feel bad, i don’t want…”

  98.  #98Smile on August 6, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    🙁 for the first time in 9 months living alone in the house it feels empty, I feel a little unerved living alone. I feel a tightness in my chest. I can feel the silence.

  99.  #99bloom-ing on August 6, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    mad girl. do you know the man’s not Wrong ?? kind of. i kind of know that, but kind of i just want him to be Me & say what i’d say. (((girl))) that’s ok, but that will never happen LOL : ) ok ok ok ok ….. BUT um i don’t want to FIGHT about what i think & i don’t want to IGNORE what i think…. & i feel so Strongly about it….. i don’t trust myself to say it without Accusing (((((girl))))) that sounds hard ! maybe be really careful with your words……. like………. “baby…… i want to talk about a couple things…… & i don’t want you to feel like i think it’s Your Fault or anything…. but i want to make sure we’re both on the same page about X because that is Very Important to me…..what do you think ?” & then i also want to say, “ok, thank you. & also i feel like i keep hearing you say Y…….. & that sounds a bit scary to me…. what do you think ? ……. ok & this is why that’s important to me… what do you think ?” ok. i feel scared. i don’t want to date someone who believes Y. hmmmmmmmmmmm am i hearing Wrong ? ……………… this man….. he can be Good & believe that………. but……. i don’t Want that. at all actually : ) lol lk so sassssssy … hm

  100.  #100Calypso on August 6, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    I am not doing well with my Feeling Messages at all any more. I have so much going on in other parts of my life that make me feel like I need to protect myself (Court with my ex, a son going to boot camp, another son taking chemo, stress at work, a mother with alzhiemers, on and on . . . ) that when it comes to communicating with men, I have noticed that I act all formal and business-like. I feel like I have lost all of the FM’s that I had been working on. I just went into my POF email and read several of the recent messages from me to men I have met on there – it is no wonder they are not responding to me very well . . . I’m boring myself, I can imagine how they feel.

    I’m talking about work and problems with my sons and everything in the world I should not be talking about. I know this, but I don’t seem to be able to stop myself any more. Maybe I should not try to date until some of my other drama settles down? I don’t feel like I can be the girl because I need a warrior to protect me . . .

    Court drama and boot camp both take place in September – should I just get off POF until those events are past so I don’t do any more damage with potential matches?

  101.  #101Smile on August 6, 2012 at 2:37 pm


    Sounds like you are dealing with a lot right now.

    You question if you should be dating right now? Im taking time for myself at the minute, I read this article last night. You may find it helpful to make your decision?

  102.  #102LiliBee on August 6, 2012 at 2:38 pm



    I so needed to read that right now.

    I’m feeling so down and sad right now 🙁
    I’m crying my eyes out, focusing on letting it all flow out so I can get to feeling good again.

  103.  #103Smile on August 6, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    Let’s be real, a 3-6 month break from dating is not exactly a killer. If you can do a crappy relationship for longer, why can’t you take some dedicated you time for a short period?

    I’m giving myself till November before I start dating

    I’m moving back to my family home to save save save so I can buy my own place and furnish it with love

    I need a fresh start and not to be lying in a bed that strumming man owns watching a tv that strumming man owns. If I move out he’ll def have to come collect his stuff

  104.  #104Starla on August 6, 2012 at 2:43 pm


  105.  #105Dancing Siren on August 6, 2012 at 2:47 pm


    So I don’t really know how to say this so I am just going to say it.

    After I broke things off with S, he was texting every day, sending flowers etc.

    I told him I would not be exclusive with him.

    Then I saw him at work.

    Then he text me and we started talking and all of a sudden he was being honest about everything, telling me stuff about his drinking addiction that he has never told me.

    He consistently has been saying he wants to change his life.

    He said he wants to change everything. Including his job. Because it is too difficult to abstain when he is working around alcohol every day.

    He said he wants me in his life. He says he wants to marry me once he has everything sorted.

    I know they are just words, until they are actions.

    Then after that conversation he contacted a drugs/alcohol counsellor. He started looking for new jobs.

    These were actions.

    He asked if he could see me.

    I still love him, and he always makes me feel good, despite his drinking problem.

    I wanted to be there for him. I checked in with myself and decided I would see him.

    We went on a walking date. It felt good.

    We talked some more about the addiction issue. He talked about wanting a future with me.

    At that point I asked if I could request something. He said anything, he is open to suggestions and will try anything.

    I said for me to ever feel safe enough to consider a future with him, I would like him to try AA. He said yes straight away.

    He called them on Friday night.

    On Sunday we had another date. I wondered about my wisdom of allowing us to spend time together so soon, and I decided to go with it. I had a lovely time, and we were intimate (we always are).

    I was open with my feelings and a few times anger came up, and upset. And I just cried and expressed in front of him. One of the main things that came up for me was him promising one thing and then his actions being totally the opposite.

    This morning (Monday) he went to his first AA meeting. We met for coffee after. I was suprised to hear him say that he liked it. And found it helpful, and he has made a connection with 1 male member (who answered the phone when he called initially) who he thinks gets him. I asked if he is planning to continue going and he said yes.

    I felt good and even a bit hopeful.

    Then this evening I hadn’t heard from him.

    I started to get the sense that something was off. Something felt totally wrong.

    And then, there was a weird post on his facebook, and I just kind of knew. I knew he was wasted.

    Normally when this has happened I would stay leaned back, and mind my own business and this time I just couldn’t. I decided I needed to know.

    I know I was investing in drama and the truth is I already felt invested anyway, AND I felt oxytoxined in.

    So I decided to go and look for him.

    I just wanted to be faced with the barefaced truth.

    I felt so tired of feeling confused.

    I drove to his house. His car wasn’t there. I drove past the 2 pubs in the village but didn’t get the sense he was there.

    Then I had a feeling that he was at the pub where we worked.

    I decided NOT to drive there, so I called instead. I just simply asked if he was there. I knew he wasn’t working.

    The barmaid (my colleague) said yes straight away and passed me over to him, he was sitting at the bar. He was very suprised to hear from me.

    And he was drunk.

    I can’t really remember what I said but something inside me feels like it has snapped. I didn’t yell.

    I came off the phone.

    I was outside his house. I used my key and went in and got EVERYTHING that belongs to me. Then I left, and I posted the keys back through the door.

    I don’t know why I did it, I just did.

    And then I came home.

    In the car I pulled over. I cried and bawled for a bit. Then I screamed.

    Then I stopped and drove home.

    When I got home I removed him from my facebook profiles.

    Not to be mean. But because I really can’t handle this anymore. I don’t want to ‘see’ him or be seen by him.

    I would block him from calling me, if I knew how.

    I don’t know how I feel.

    Kind of numb.

    A bit silly. Kinda ironic for putting myself in this situation. And a bit sort of blah. Its weird.

    I wonder what else he lied about.

    I have also contacted some work colleagues to see if they can cover the last 2 shifts I am due to work at the pub, so I won’t have to see him.

    Just feeling a bit numb.

    Going to make myself a cup of tea.

  106.  #106Dancing Siren on August 6, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    I don’t want to see him ever again right now.

  107.  #107Calypso on August 6, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    Smile ~ Thank you! I will read it right now.

  108.  #108Starla on August 6, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    dancing siren
    i think you’re my hero

  109.  #109Dancing Siren on August 6, 2012 at 3:01 pm


    I don’t feel like a hero!

    feel very tearful and shaky.

  110.  #110Dominique on August 6, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    Starla – #96 – That’s the best way to use them. Focusing on the positive not only make you feel positive, you will also recognize all the more positive around you. AND it make a man or anyone for that matter feel really good, more positive feeling stuff.


  111.  #111Dominique on August 6, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    Dancing Siren – YAY you. This took SO much courage. I feel very proud of you.


  112.  #112Radlove on August 6, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    (((Dancing Siren))),

    104 – Sad to hear that. You handled it well. You could change your number. Hugs….

  113.  #113Dancing Siren on August 6, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    I just can’t believe it.

    I am in shock.

    How can you attend an AA meeting in the morning and go on a binge in the evening?

    I feel so flabberghasted.

    But actually I don’t even care why.

    I just can’t deal with this kind of thing.

  114.  #114Starla on August 6, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    Dancing Siren, you’re amazing

  115.  #115LiliBee on August 6, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    ((( Dancing Siren ))),

    The numbness, looks like your feelings are frozen.

    I’m going through the same process right now.
    It’s about a whole other type of addiction.

    My man is addicted to work, money and having attention to impress people.

    He’s made alot of big ticket promises to have me back.
    I had doubts that he was capable of keeping those promises.
    I told myself I would not get caught up in the relationship until I had it all delivered on the table.

    I went on to see him feeling strong and confident.
    He crowded out all of my other CDs.
    I ended up getting wrapped up in the relationship again.
    He didn’t come through.

    I’m back to square 1 brokenhearted picking up the pieces.
    He’s made alot of progress, but I’ve just had small disappointments pile up into a big one after delivering good FMs.

    I’m sitting here crying a river, desperately wanting someone to hold me and just listen to me ranting it out.
    I need to let it all out to let the sun back in.

  116.  #116Sirenity on August 6, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    Tam 1077 last thread,

    In our country we have an oft repeated memorial prayer for old soldiers…

    “Age shall not weary them
    Nor the years condemn…”

    These words always come to me when 70 year olds hit on me (52) or when men close in age who are good matches otherwise on paper so clearly show huge tracts of undesirable personality traits by setting the search parameters so much younger than themselves.

    I wont date these men if they approach me as they often do when they see my pic. i feel very uncomfortable as I know I am ‘second best” in their thinking and I would only ever be Miss Right Now. These men dont deserve me!!!!!

  117.  #117April Rose on August 6, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    (((((dancing siren)))))

    I feel sad. For you, sweetheart. And for this man (and whatever deep pain he carries that causes him to drink.)

  118.  #118April Rose on August 6, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    Please forgive me. But what I remember coming through when you were making it work so wonderfully with D, was how you made him feel like your hero. He seemed to respond so well to that. Coupled with you being light and nonchalant about seeing him. You had interests elsewhere and he felt attracted by your lack of expectation of and dependence on him.

    I say forgive me because it reads to me as if your expectation has crept back in, and he has felt it and backed off.

  119.  #119Dancing Siren on August 6, 2012 at 3:43 pm


    Yes let it all out.

    Make space for the light again.

  120.  #120Smile on August 6, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    I woke up feeling anxious. I will sleep with the light on. I feel like a child. I desire a man to protect me so I can sleep peacefully.

    Where has my up beat positivity gone?

  121.  #121Starla on August 6, 2012 at 3:44 pm

    If I have to be perfectly enlightened, expectation-less wonderwoman in order to have a man honor his commitments to me/make me feel special, I don’t want him. I get to be human, too, just like him.

    I really am enough. Even if I nag about seeing me more than once a week. Even if I make a snappy comment about the fact that his last girlfriend was only 19 and maybe that’s why they never argued about not having a more grown up relationship.

    Even then, yes.

    because most of the time i am truly amazing. i don’t even bat an eye when they have their human moments. i don’t try to change them or the clothes they wear or the things they like to do with their free time.

  122.  #122LiliBee on August 6, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    Dancing Siren,

    I believe AA is not enough for him.
    Looks like detox is called for.

    I’m sure he meant all he said to you, he just doesn’t have the strength with AA alone, he needs heavy duty around-the-clock detox.

    In Rori’s Toxic Men program, she addresses addiction.
    You can’t do anything about it, he needs professional help that he will have to seek out himself.

    He has to hit his rock bottom 1st, and he hasn’t yet. He is close.

    I feel lectur’y’ here. Sorry about lecturing.

    I feel for you. I feel sorry to see such a great guy waste himself like that.

  123.  #123Starla on August 6, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    I think my big problem is that when i’ve had expectations that weren’t being met, i beat myself up and got all squirrelly and second guess-y about them. which made the situation a lot worse.

    from now on it’s going to be like, “*snap* no, that feels bad and I don’t want it. What do you think we should do about it?”

    no more second guessing. i deserve to have expectations. no, i’m not super duper enlightened need-less wonder lady. i’m a needy high maintenance girl. AND I’M AWESOME. I deserve it.

  124.  #124Dancing Siren on August 6, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    Thanks everyone.

    And I really don’t care about him right now.

    I don’t mean to be heartless, and I just can’t take on baord what *he* needs right now.

    This thing has hurt me so much and I just so badly need to take care of what I need right now.

    If I start thinking about him and what he needs I will get all soft feeling and my caretaker willl get activated.

    This softens my resolve.

    I really need my resolve right now.

    I need to look after me. I need to feel like I am doing the right thing.

  125.  #125Dancing Siren on August 6, 2012 at 4:00 pm


    I quite often sleep with the light on.

    I might not tonight though.

    But I will if I want to.


  126.  #126Dancing Siren on August 6, 2012 at 4:03 pm

    I’m going to have a cheese sandwhich.

    I wonder if it will make me dream.

    He tried to call me, just once.

    I can’t imagine what he thinks he would say right now.

    G8d I feel like a bitch.

    But seriously does no one else think WTF???? Regardless of if he is an addict.

    Surely there is a certain conduct of behaviour that is universal to everyone, even addicts!

  127.  #127Dancing Siren on August 6, 2012 at 4:03 pm

    I’m going to have a cheese sandwhich.

    I wonder if it will make me dream.

    He tried to call me, just once.

    I can’t imagine what he thinks he would say right now.

    G8d I feel like a biatch.

    But seriously does no one else think WTF???? Regardless of if he is an addict.

    Surely there is a certain conduct of behaviour that is universal to everyone, even addicts!

  128.  #128LiliBee on August 6, 2012 at 4:08 pm


    Thank You April Rose.

    I don’t know, something to ponder.

    But I really feel good about what Starla wrote in #120.
    It feels like self love and self acceptance.

  129.  #129Dancing Siren on August 6, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    Or in other words.

    This feels like sh8t.

    I want out.

  130.  #130April Rose on August 6, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    With expectation, I have noticed that some men seem to want it whereas others move away when they sense it. Do you think it could be an indicator of a man’s maturity/emotional availability?

    EM would love it if I had expectations of him. He would feel pleased. Because he wants me to be his woman.

    WM on the other hand, doesn’t seem to like any kind of demands. This turned me off in the end.

  131.  #131Starla on August 6, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    Dancing Siren, it was definitely time to go. You did the right thing. Let him clean up his own mess. You deserve better. Your next guy will DEFINITELY be better. I can feel it. A man who respects and values a woman who won’t put up with second best.

  132.  #132Belle on August 6, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    Radlove, RG, Annie, and Miss Stix,

    Here’s what comes up for me:

    A:“She is SO loud, don’t you think??”

    B: Isn’t she though??! I just LOVE her voice. She’s so bold, the way she moves through the world. I love the way she just projects it like a megaphone. It’s so cool!

    A: “I don’t know why the Soandso’s always have to be late, everywhere they go! Have you ever seen them arrive on time??”

    B: Why, no, I haven’t! Have you? Aren’t they funny that way?

    If they say something like, “No I don’t think it’s funny at all!” I would say, “I noticed!” or “I can tell!”, smiling. I use this all of the time with people. This is for casual conversation. If it were one of my close girlfriends, I’d ask her if she wanted to talk about her feelings about it. Or for my Landmark Forum friends, I’d be more provocative and ask them, “What are you making that mean?” 😀

  133.  #133LiliBee on August 6, 2012 at 4:15 pm


    Dancing Siren,

    I don’t see you as a b18tch.

    You did theee very best thing.
    You are so strong for having removed yourself so fast.
    I look up to you.

    Loss is a huge trigger into action.

  134.  #134Belle on August 6, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    Wow, I totally did not hit the submit button, I was about to rewrite my post!

    The discomfort comes from judging the other person’s comment as being negative, which is really YOU being negative about their perceived negativity 🙂 I like to ask myself, “If I can accept this person as she/his is, totally and completely, then what?” and something spontaneous and new can pop out.

    I’ve had a lot of conversations with people where our views were different and I’d respond like above, and the other person would continue to see things the way they did and I’ve felt a bubbling over laughter and said things like, “Isn’t that so INTERESTING that we see it so differently? How funny! I love the human experience!”

    Access Consciousness people suggest thinking, “Interesting point of view that person has, interesting point of view!” over and over. That hasn’t been as fun for me but it might work better for someone else.

  135.  #135April Rose on August 6, 2012 at 4:26 pm

    I feel strangely downcast and meek.

    I am judging my compassion as a weakness.

    I intend to ramp up compassion for myself first and foremost.

    Does my compassion for others cause me to excuse their bad behaviour? I think I’m just in denial that anyone could dishonour me.

  136.  #136Miss Bells on August 6, 2012 at 4:30 pm

    Smile–he SAYS a lot of things, but what he DOES is quite different.
    I am absolutely sure that he is very attached to me, BUT–he is extremely difficult.
    He has come AFTER me 3 times. Then he can’t maintain, and he thinks changing one partner for another will make him feel better.
    Yes–it’s just awful.
    But–if I didn’t care about him this is clearly the best deal in the world value wise. $400 for CONTROL over an entire 2000 sq ft home. If I knew I was staying I would fix it up for ME.

  137.  #137Femininewoman on August 6, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    Dancing Siren I feel really proud of you. I can see the binge as the last hoorah before totally moving on. it is like a woman going back to a man after a breakup for sex. Who knows what is going on with him. I sense a firm resolve in your comments to take care of yourself. I feel growth and you honoring yourself. Whatever happens I believe you have marshalled the abundance of the Universe on your side. I feel moved and a deep knowing that you are closer to your best life now.

  138.  #138Dancing Siren on August 6, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    I just came across this book on Amazon, recommended, although I personally have no idea if it is any good:

    “The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships”

    I feel curious, sounds like my kind of book. Has anyone read it??

  139.  #139Dancing Siren on August 6, 2012 at 4:45 pm

    FW do you mean my binge of going back to him, or his binge?

    Starla, I just can’t see another man, I can’t vision it right now.

    But sometimes I can. Sometimes I can vision someone with ALL those qualities, all the qualities he has, and no addictions. Just there. Available, for me. And I can feel how that might feel. Like I want it.

    Like it could feel good.

    I don’t know, we will see.

    It feels hard right now but I am tired.

    I need to sleep in a minute.

  140.  #140LiliBee on August 6, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    Starla! re #120

    He just called me.
    He was invited to a hockey tournament in Vegas.

    The gfs and wives are invited to come.
    He said I know you really want to go back to Vegas.

    I slap him, he invites me to Vegas…again. WTF ???

    He doesn’t want to be with team and be the only guy with no woman?
    That thought feels soooo scary.
    I wouldn’t want to feel used.

    Or does he like to be punished?

    Wow, he never ceases to amaze me.

    He’s at the skatepark watching his son so couldn’t talk much.

    I mean, com on dude. Don’t we have talking/sorting to do before we go anywhere together !?!

  141.  #141bloom-ing on August 6, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    dancing siren, my mama read all those books (dance of anger, dance of intimacy) & i have listened to a couple of the tapes when i was younger. i did really like the dance of anger : )) love to you, you sound amazing. btw i don’t think it sounds strange at all that he bxinged after an AA meeting – sounds reasonable. to me, my masculine thinking brain, sounds like “research” – let me just test… does this really positively make me feel like shxt ? is this Truly a “habit” i Must “kick” ? ….. BUT thank goodness, it’s not Your Problem : ) love you

  142.  #142Dancing Siren on August 6, 2012 at 5:00 pm

    Lilibee re 139,

    Guys are different.

    I have noticed how that is their way of saying they still want us and can we move on pls?

    But its hard when we are still feeling hurt.

    If you still want him some serious FMs might be useful right now.

    I wouldn’t make him wrong for trying to connect with you though, even if it is misguided.


  143.  #143bloom-ing on August 6, 2012 at 5:01 pm

    I slap him, he invites me to Vegas…again. WTF ???

    He doesn’t want to be with team and be the only guy with no woman?
    That thought feels soooo scary.
    I wouldn’t want to feel used.

    Or does he like to be punished?

    Honestly, Lilibee – he must know he deserved that slap. maybe you “shouldn’t have” done it – but HE KNOWS he lied to you about a Huge Issue & he will be sorry i bet.

    maybe you can see – oh, yes, he was trying to Protect Me from social stresses

    & you can see – oh, hmmm i don’t want to Slap my Man !

    but also, you can see that – oh yes he is still totally enamored & yes i did a Dramatic thing …. but ……

    you can Choose if you want to allow him to make amends or if you’re truly feeling “Done” …. : ) hoorah ! ladies with humongous power : ) yay : ))))

  144.  #144Dancing Siren on August 6, 2012 at 5:02 pm

    Also Lilibee,

    Can I ask what the minor disappointments have been that have led to you feeling this way?

    I too had noticed in your posts what I percieved to be expectations and dis-satisfaction creeping back in and erroding, however I feel curious about why…

  145.  #145bloom-ing on August 6, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    “I wouldn’t make him wrong for trying to connect with you though, even if it is misguided.”

    ((((((Dancing Siren))))))) you’re so strong : ) & CRAZY STRONG & i’m feeling super inspired : ) & hugs & hugs to you forever : )))

  146.  #146Annie on August 6, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    79: Radlove I feel pleased it turned out well for you and your family. 🙂

    So many people once I get to know them want to engage in this.
    It feels yuck.
    It feels so much better to me to do my best to disengage and get my energy out of there.

  147.  #147Dancing Siren on August 6, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    I’m sorry,

    I’m feeling a bit thick headed…

    Lilibee, what did he lie about?

  148.  #148bloom-ing on August 6, 2012 at 5:07 pm

    mm i’m feeling very Grumpy : )

    i have some stressors – some “real” – some “just me” : )

    UMMMMM & i feel Mad at the whole world for them : ))) lol & that makes me feel giggly : )

    &&&&& I FEEL SO MAD that i came into the house & cd was watching Loud Movie & then it finished so he switched to Obsessively Playing Video Games ????
    LIKE WTF DUDE did you not read my online dating profile ? it said “i don’t watch tv. at all. seriously” & it also made mention of “no men playing video games >2hr/day” LOL i do not even think that is slightly unreasonable !!!!!!!! BUT if he told me to get off the blog, i’d cxt his bxlls off LOL so… : ) i’m a hero in cute underpants. i smell like cigarettes : (((((( AWWW & he hxtes me for it : ) but he doesn’t ….. i’d be mad……. still i am actually mad & he better talk to me about it because otherwise i’ll be Mad & (worse) Stuffed about it : ) so……………. hey you ! tell me all your secrets, i’m ready for it : )

  149.  #149LiliBee on August 6, 2012 at 5:07 pm


    Thanks Dancing Siren,

    Your openmindedness feels good, feels weightless and freeing.

    He still took his housekey back.
    I’m at a loss for words. I feel flabbergasted.

    He asked what I was up to.
    I said I was washing the dishes while crying.
    “At least the tears are falling straight in the sink. lol”

    Dancing Siren, I feel awe at your hability to focus on my stuff while you’re going through your own.
    You are a tough cookie siren.

  150.  #150Dancing Siren on August 6, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    Blooming re 140,


    Thank you for that.

    Funny you should say that and I kinda did initially think the same… about the research.

    But still I feel like ‘FFS!!!!! Are you that dumb???? Do you really need to research this???!! I can tell you with my eyes shut from a million miles away this is a problem. No research needed!

    Oh, and just as an aside, your research makes me feel like sh8t! This is hurting me! I am sorry and I can’t be there for this!”


    Sorry Blooming, this rant is obviously not actually meant at you. And your comment just made some sense to me.

    But, I don’t feel ok to just let it be ok.

    It doesn’t feel ok to ME.


  151.  #151lilybelly on August 6, 2012 at 5:13 pm

    Dancing Siren,

    I feel sooooooo proud of you for taking care of yourself. Very proud!


  152.  #152bloom-ing on August 6, 2012 at 5:14 pm

    trying to feel softened toward a man committing assaults in a catsuit is SO difficult : ) lol …. i can only see his game from here, not him. i’m imagining his face all “Gremlin” & his eyes all “hard” …. poor man…. if i can’t get over this, i’ll have to leave & it will feel sad….. i love him & feel totally magnetized by him….. but i don’t Want “all the drama” & if *i become* dramatic in his energy, then, welp…. it’s not For Me : )

    trying to get back to the soft parts of him… pretty easy, but i even notice myself “interrupting” to “interject”…. hmmmmm….. lol now i just see straight softness in him & straight hardness in me…..

    i’m on the pedestal – you, man, get off ! lol…

    ok well if that’s the case – i’m feeling honestly Unseen & ……. like…. “oh no you didn’t – boyyyyy you don’t even know” LOL like… as though someone came to my temple, & didn’t even wipe their feet at the door, much less bring a gift !

    lol… wonder why i feel this way…. maybe i wasn’t even on my pedestal ? that would make sense – why respect a temple if it looks like the whole thing was made for You – the Man ?

    lol that’s super-illustrative to me…. i like it : )

    ummmmm sooooooo still mad : ) but less victim-y. excited to do cool shxt tomorrow at work. I’M A BADASS. my boyfriend in college made me do that our senior year : ) every time i crossed the center of the commons, i yelled “i’m a badass !” at the top of my voice – day or night : )))) HOORAH I’M A BADASS : ) lol

  153.  #153Dancing Siren on August 6, 2012 at 5:16 pm


    It feels like a welcome distraction, not to make light of your situation, it’s just that anything right now actually feels like a welcome break from thinking about mine.

    Did he say that about the tears falling in the sink?


    I would say “Wow” or “Ouch” “that feels really bad, like being whacked in the guts”

    Or something like that.

    Anyway, hugs to you Lilibee.

  154.  #154Annie on August 6, 2012 at 5:16 pm

    91: Miss says:

    At least that is what he tries to imply to me. I don’t think he really believes it.
    We lived together as a couple all of that time.”

    Hugs, that feels so awful to me that he is now treating you as friend and housemate. Hugs
    What do you want?
    To now accept what he is now offering to be his friend and housemate?
    To CD and include him whilst he dates others too?
    To CD and not include him and make future plan towards moving out?
    What do you think is your best option?

  155.  #155bloom-ing on August 6, 2012 at 5:19 pm

    i’m not a fxck up. even if i bring home deli meat for dinner : ) i’m still ok & i love my sweet self.

    yes, you can do whatever. yes, there are “consequences”. yes, i allow it. yes, i allow anything you do that has its roots in Love : ))) totally ! go for it ! yes !

  156.  #156Dancing Siren on August 6, 2012 at 5:22 pm

    By the way ladies,

    This lady seems quite inspirational:

    She is a coach as well as an entrepenuer (could never spell that word) and she used to be married to an alcoholic…

  157.  #157LiliBee on August 6, 2012 at 5:23 pm


    Dancing Siren,

    I’m giggling 🙂 Every day, a siren asks me what he lied about.

    He lied about there having people I know at the party to dissuade me from going.
    There was someone there I couldn’t stand to see.
    I still have healing to do with that person.
    He wanted to stay there for a bit, so lied to dissuade me to go so I wouldn’t know that particular person was there.
    He once had a flirting thing with her, but I know for sure that it has stopped.
    Her husband stepped in and started taking care of her as he should.

    #142 :
    The disappointments were about his promises to consult a therapist, to sell an extra vehicle to cutdown his monthly payments to work less and be more available for me, to never go on vacation without me.
    He broke all of them.
    The vacation promise was broken only in words and intentions, but now he’s going back to Vegas for a tournament instead and inviting me.

    I don’t feel good about it.
    I seem to come in handy to go to parties and events where everyone is accompanied.
    But when it comes to alone bonding time just with me, he’s MIA.

  158.  #158Miss Bells on August 6, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    I DO NOT ACCEPT friend/housemate. At all, which probably means I must move because that is all he is offering right now. Unless I can turn it around in place. If is is able to be turned around.

  159.  #159Miss Bells on August 6, 2012 at 5:27 pm

    HE wants me to stay–but without changing anything.

  160.  #160Smile on August 6, 2012 at 5:28 pm

    Thanks dancing siren

    I just woke up again but feel much calmer

    I feel okay to turn the light out now

  161.  #161Annie on August 6, 2012 at 5:28 pm

    Hugs LiliBee and Dancing Siren.

  162.  #162Dancing Siren on August 6, 2012 at 5:30 pm

    So according to this post I should develop the skill of…

    Drinking more alcohol!

    Ha ha ha…

    No, sorry. That is just my warped sense of humour.

    But in all seriousness, I do think I could do with developing some more carefree attitude, like ‘don’t worry about it, we only live once!’

    As I think I tend to stifle this down, but then it can come out forcefully sometimes, and make me do things I don’t want to do, and then I feel guilty!

    So, yes, maybe I need to develop some of this.

    And make it feel safe for myself to live in the moment, without supressing and then going overboard, and preferably without feeling guilty too.

    Which is a useless emotion anyway!

  163.  #163FlowerChild77 on August 6, 2012 at 5:32 pm

    Is the ‘Dance of Anger’ book by Harriet Lerner? If it’s the one I’m thinking of it’s excellent <3

  164.  #164Dancing Siren on August 6, 2012 at 5:35 pm

    Feeling very tired now.

    I need to clean my teeth.

    Me having bad teeth won’t help anyone!

  165.  #165LiliBee on August 6, 2012 at 5:39 pm


    Yeah, ouch.
    He was at the skatepark watching his son and there were people around, so he likely didn’t feel comfortable.

    He always hugged me and held me in his arms when I cried.
    I longed for that tonight!

  166.  #166Dancing Siren on August 6, 2012 at 5:39 pm

    Does anyone know about this?


  167.  #167LiliBee on August 6, 2012 at 5:42 pm


    Oh! Big a-ha! for me! Dancing Siren,

    I stifle, then have a meltdown, then feel guilty.
    Then cry a river to show myself some compassion.

  168.  #168Belle on August 6, 2012 at 5:46 pm

    Miss Bell,

    I’ve been following your story for a couple of weeks and I’m trying to figure out for the life of me what is so great about this guy? He lies, he cheats, he runs when it gets tough, his actions don’t match his words, he’s walked out on you 3 times, he denies and minimizes your relationship and role in his life, when the OW leaves then he has time for you and a little bit of fun but he’s trying desperately to get you to see other people. He sounds dreadful. What the heck? Is this meeting your needs? Is this really working for you? I’m wondering with a friend like him who needs an enemy!?

    What is the payoff for all of this power struggle?
    I remember you saying your website was about to take off and maybe other aspects of your life, I’m wondering if you’ve outgrown this guy?

    I have outgrown several men and fought like the DICKENS to hang on to them and not move on because I was so afraid of what was next…the UNKNOWN! The unfamiliar! People who didn’t play the same mindgames and manipulation stuff that I was used to…I’d have to learn whole new ways of being with the kind of people I’ve always dreamed of being with. What if I didn’t make it? What if I’m really *not* all that awesome? What if I’m rejected by the community I long to be a part of? What if my past haunts me forever? I felt so rough, so mean, so damaged. And who would I fall back on?

    Over and over again with the most recent guy I noticed the thought, “He’s like the monkey with his hand caught in the gourd who won’t let go of the handful of rice inside so he’s trapped and can’t even see the buffet available to him.” Only, I knew I was projecting and it was ME that was struggling with the damned monkey-trap! I wonder if this resonates with you?

    Finally I’d had enough pain and reality sank in. In the past month since I was really done with him, I’ve grown more and felt more free, healed faster, received and felt more love than ever before. My newfound outlet for drama is Laughter Yoga. We pretend to cry and laugh through it and go through all kinds of silly exercises and my inner clown/drama queen has an appropriate place to express all of that energy and emotion. A woman left in tears from crying so hard at my antics, that I only barely even knew I had inside of me!

    I wonder what you have inside of you that you have yet to discover?!

  169.  #169Belle on August 6, 2012 at 5:49 pm

    I meant she was laughing so hard she cried…

  170.  #170Miss Bells on August 6, 2012 at 6:11 pm

    #166 Belle-Those are VERY good questions, ones I’ve been asking myself.
    I have had a “thing” for him since 1986. He was attracted to me as well.

    Nothing happened till 2007, when I was in a very vulnerable situation. And it has been a roller coaster.

    But–When it’s on it’s wonderful.
    He has a lot of good qualities besides the romantic attraction.

    I am sure that except for the sneaking part he feels he has done nothing wrong. And in a sense that is true. And–even when the OW was here he kept paying attention to me and doing things for me. I have even been driving his car.

    I am preparing to leave. But–if this is something I can turn-around in place I would give it a shot.

    He wasn’t even clear about what I want till a short while ago. I have not used the tools very well, especially the FMs. Despite that-we still have an emotional connection.

    I am quite sure he will come after me if I leave, though it may take awhile.I need to be prepared, and not budge if he won’t seal the deal. I am CDing, and have founded a very active singles meetup.

    Also–I don’t know whether to actually forbid him to contact me or just refrain from contacting him or responding regularly.

    My plan at this moment is to get the CAR in the next few days, then only spend time at home when the vibes are good. At the end of August I will take a long look. And use a script…

  171.  #171LiliBee on August 6, 2012 at 6:12 pm

    140 – 141:

    Thanks Dancing Siren and Bloom-ing!

    I was warm and open when I answered his call.
    I even checked the tournament dates on the calendar and pondered if I could take 2 days off work for it.

    I hung up, and said to myself “what am I thinking?”

    I need to prepare a serious heartfelt power speech before I agree to go anywhere with this guy.

    So many people verbally slap him around to wake him up.
    Friday night, his cousin asked me how I was getting along with his son’s mom coz she can be a handful.
    I said “Great. But she still feels too comfortable coming to his house while he’s not there to borrow stuff.”
    Shoot, I shouldn’t have said that!
    He is already losing patience with her doing that, and he’s been struggling with telling her for 4 years.
    He’s afraid to create tension and lose negotiating power where his son is concerned.
    His cousin and gf got on his case about it, urging him to tell her.

    Why did I need to say that to them?
    Without even realizing it, I was sorta recruiting them to pressure him.
    I could be more responsible for my own feelings about it.
    I’m a grown up, I don’t need to enlist people to help me get my messages accross.
    I feel hypocritical.
    I feel guilty.
    I feel like a manipulative bi87ch.
    Boy do I feel judgemental towards myself.
    Yuck, I don’t feel proud.
    I feel ugly.
    I feel scared of what I look like acting that way.
    Urg! I don’t wanta act ugly!
    I wanta be beautiful and loving!
    I wanta FEEL beautiful and loving!

    Gotta love it all to love me…iiiiiiiieeeeeee, oouuufff.

  172.  #172LiliBee on August 6, 2012 at 6:16 pm


    Thanks for the hugs Annie 🙂

    I need those tonight. Feeling blue, but better hanging out here on the blog with all of you sirens.

  173.  #173LiliBee on August 6, 2012 at 6:21 pm


    Hmmm, I posted in #169 “I feel like a manipulative bi87ch.”
    Funny how I accused him of being manipulative the day after.

    The mirror never lies.

    How does this go:
    When we are accusing someone of something or rejecting something in someone, that is something we have in us to heal, or something we are rejecting about ourselves.

  174.  #174LiliBee on August 6, 2012 at 6:27 pm

    It feels yucky to feel righteous.
    It feels ugly.
    I see the righteousness in me.
    Yuk, gotta love that to heal that?
    Yuk, gotta love that to love me?

    Hohum, I don’t wanta.
    I don’t wanta.
    Can I procrastinate?
    I wanta cover that up and hide it.
    I feel ashamed.

    Urkkk, he saw my righteousness.
    I feel ashamed that he saw that and felt that.
    I feel guilty for putting him down with my righteousness.
    I don’t wanta be righteous, I wanta be loving.

    Love to my righteousness, love to me.
    I feel embarassed.

  175.  #175LiliBee on August 6, 2012 at 6:33 pm


    Miss Bells,

    No contact. No answering his calls until you feel strong on your horse and have strong boundaries in place.

    Yey for the CAR!
    You will feel such freedom to have a car to come and go as you please.

    I love to see a siren planning and going into action for her wellbeing.
    It feels so inspiring.

  176.  #176LiliBee on August 6, 2012 at 6:41 pm

    I want alone bonding intimacy time, I don’t want to be an accessory for appearances sake.

    Trying to come up with a power speech around that one.

    Any ideas anyone?

    Everyone seems to be gone to bed early tonight.
    I need to do the same. I feel sleepy.
    My eyelids feel heavy.

    Goodnight sirens xox

  177.  #177Radlove on August 6, 2012 at 6:47 pm


    130 – That works! I like that!

  178.  #178Radlove on August 6, 2012 at 6:52 pm


    144 – I want to get out. But when it’s your 80 year old mother, sometimes it’s not that easy. So I feel good I don’t have to temporarily walk out on her anymore for her to get the point. I just make an opposite happy statement and she will usually adjust her topic.

    Sometimes she feels down, tho, and she will just keep going in a negative vein. I will let her vent up to a point, if i can handle it. Sometimes I honestly can’t handle it tho. And I openly tell her.

    My therapist also told me to say, “Mom, I’m sorry, I know you need to vent. But I’m not your therapist: I’m your daughter. I just can’t handle it. It’s not that I don’t care. It’s that I care so much, because I’m connected to you.”

  179.  #179Radlove on August 6, 2012 at 6:59 pm

    My date lasted two torturous hours, and it was a total, utter, complete dud. I will never go out with him again. This is young buck. Next time when I have so many red flags, i will not force myself to “practice tools”. I will honor my heart and politely bow out.

    I was trying to give him a chance, since we’ve been advised to at least have one date and possibly be pleasantly surprised. But it was the opposite on every level – from the way he was dressed, to him not making eye contact, to virtually no conversation – after he chatted up a storm for the last 24 hours via text!

    I felt utterly, totally turned off.

    He sent me about 5 nondescript texts when I left:



    I feel sick

    and then “idk” when I asked him what’s going on.

    I guess it was his way to say he felt turned off? I don’t know. I only know that if I got going giving him feedback from the date, it would not be kind. So other than asking what’s going on, I just stayed silent.

    In one of his first texts, he called himself a loser. I felt tempted to confirm that for him. But I didn’t.

  180.  #180Belle on August 6, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    Dancing Siren, I felt a welling of pride when I read about how you had enough and SNAPPED! I didn’t think “b***ch” at all, I thought, “wow, she hit her limit, good for her!

    LiliBee – think of a Martin Luther King, Jr. speech (look for one on YouTube if you’ve never heard him speak) and you can see what loved righteousness looks like in action. I feel tears rising in my throat just thinking of him. Loving it will allow you to use it in ways that serve you. And of course you are free to procrastinate and put off loving it and hide it as long as you need to. I wonder how it would feel to hide it in a soft silky pouch? Love love dewy petal soft babybutterfly kisses to your righteousness and shame kisskisskiss

  181.  #181Linda on August 6, 2012 at 8:19 pm

    Hello all

    I was out to the state fair tonite to a meet up event with a band that was so in when I was in high school ions ago. The man I has a CD with yesterday was there. He dialed in on me like a moth to a candle. I had a good time enjoyed myself. Even let him stand behind me and put his arms around my waist. His touch feels good, but is is because I have been without for so long I think. It is not because it is coming from him. Funny thing as we were there and he was showing me the physical attention in a totally acceptable way to me.. I thought to myself. THis man is doing what I wished the man in my last relationship would have done. I felt momentary saddness but it was fleeting.

    I am not wishing for a do-over ever with my last relationship. EVER!

    This man is not the one for me. I can not see myself with him. He is not my type, even though I have really just been practicing and receiving, being in the moment etc etc. I know in my heart I could not be with him. He is truely not my kind of man. Not someone that I would introduce to my kids or entertain a life with. He actually embarasses me at time. Very crude in his manor, but he is physically attentive and touchy feely. So… I will keep on my bridge and quest. I missed my last man just a hair tonight but realize that if the man I was with was one for me, I would not have had that thought at all. So it is not that I am wanting him back… just the right man for me.

    This man tonight … he got two calls from another woman and is trying to woo me. He bragginly stated that some other woman was trying to get his attention. I said, ” you obviously have exchanged numbers…. she was leaning way forward LOL….. That is the fine, we have no commitment but I dont want to spend any more time around him. Nor do I want to pursue anyfurthe practice sessions Gee, that sounds cold of me but….. I am just done. No attachement to the outcome is soooo energizing and feels very good to me.

    I hope that I can be totally me, and at ease when I run accross someone that I feel really attracted to.

    When this guy contacts.. I will politely tell him what I feel. Sorry dude… you are not him. YES!… on my bridge and feeling strong.

    More magic tomorrow! Later sirens off to bed with me!

  182.  #182Linda on August 6, 2012 at 8:34 pm

    This is part of my new mantra…

    I am high quality

    My boundaries are strong

    I’m strong in my mind but my heart is soft and welcoming

    I am just done with anything that does not bring into my life what I need and want.

    This new part of me feels foreign. Almost hard nosed and like I am a different person or something. However with that said, I feel on the right track for the first time in my life.


  183.  #183Vi on August 6, 2012 at 9:13 pm

    i have presented me with eft on love yourself
    i ve presented me with a cup of coffee
    i ve presented me with vacuuming the rooms and dusting off my living space
    i ve presented me with a walk with my dog
    i ve presented me with moisturising my face
    i ve presented me with a smoothie
    i’ve presented me with plenty of drinking water
    feels good .. feeling curious what else can i present myself with? 🙂 my shoes want some cleaning… !

  184.  #184siren song on August 6, 2012 at 9:35 pm

    omg. best date ever tonight. i feel awesome. the guy was masculine, not a player (i think…), was amazing to be with.

    i love CDing!

  185.  #185Butterfly wings on August 6, 2012 at 10:33 pm

    TH messaged me earlier, asking how I was going. I think he could tell by the look on my face when he walked past earlier…

    He asked me where I wanted him to take me for dinner on Friday night and I responded with “A surprise would feel good”. I’m still not sure this date is a good idea or not though, but I did say I’ll go, so I will.

    He’s also talked me into going to the gym with him tonight. Again I’m not sure it’s a good idea, but I DO need to go (I miss it), and I hate going on my own… But I will go home straight after.

    Our online chat is the longest exchange we’ve had between us during the day in a VERY long time. It started off with him wanting me to order him some meal replacement shakes that I get wholesale. He transferred the money to me already too.

    Sigh… This feels weird…

    Oh and Dancing Siren, I am in awe of you right now. I’m sure it’s feeling pretty horrible right now…and I believe you’ve done everything right. xxx

    And LiliBee – you have prompted me to take a VERY good look at myself and see what I’m projecting. Is my heart as closed as I think his is???? :-/

  186.  #186ruth on August 6, 2012 at 10:35 pm

    Dancing Siren you are a brave lady

    I feel inspired

  187.  #187Lily Medusa on August 6, 2012 at 10:56 pm

    Yikes, I made an uh-oh.

    I feel so nervous and emotional talking about this. I experienced a sexual issue that I want to heal… I apologize that I haven’t been on the blog much and here I am now that I’ve had a problem… but here it is…

    I drove to California to visit my family over the weekend, so I didn’t see J for a few days. The night I came back, he bought me dinner and drove me up the canyon. He brought a blanket and a lantern and a warm top for me. He kept cuddling close to me and saying how happy he was to see me again. I was feeling overwhelmed by an intense, warm gladness to be near him, like a wind blowing through my heart and lighting up red glowing coals… I felt so pleased and appreciative that he had planned and executed such a nice date… and I felt TERRIFIED of the closeness.

    Soon he was all over me. I soooo wanted to be into it, but although he was making every effort to please me sexually, I wasn’t really feeling what he was doing. Partly it was his technique. Partly it was getting too athletic for me (I was tired from the long drive). But mostly I just got damn SCARED. Scared of feeling my world shake. Scared that I would get hurt. Instead of feeling myself in the moment, I was thinking about something I had read here – that men don’t bond by having sex the way women do. In the middle of getting my pXssy licked, I was developing a totally irrational TERROR that the moment didn’t mean the world to him the way it did to me! And the more scared I got, the less I enjoyed what he was doing. And I was afraid to say anything! I was afraid I would hurt his feelings. I also felt guilty for not appreciating what he was giving me. 🙁

    He kept asking if there was something wrong, and if I was okay… and I was too scared to be honest. So… I gave up. I just lay there and let him have sex with me. And… this is so embarrassing… when it was over I cried a little bit. Of course he felt awful, and I felt even more awful because I had tried not to hurt his feelings and ended up hurting them worse.

    I finally got up the nerve to talk to him about it on the drive home. He took it calmly but brought it up again in the morning. Said he didn’t know if I had even enjoyed our date at all. Said it would have been easier if I had just said how I was feeling. I told him I was really sorry and I knew it was my issue, and I thanked him for creating a safe space for me. I kept emphasizing how much I appreciated his thoughtfulness and how romantic the date was.

    I feel raw. I feel my throat tighten up and I want to hold my breath. I feel like I want to keep telling him I’m sorry. I feel worried about other things too. I feel like I want to hug me.

    I WANT TO HEAL THIS. (Sorry for saying that in all caps – but I FEEL it loud.)

    I feel surprised, because I thought I had been getting so in touch with my feelings and so able to say them confidently. Now suddenly this has shown me a big block inside myself I didn’t even know was there. This must be showing itself to me so I can heal it… so how do I heal this?

    Although I don’t know if my core issue is sexual, I would like to learn how to talk to him about sex. I’ve been realizing there are several things he does during sex (often in an effort to please me) which I don’t really enjoy but have never brought up because I’ve been afraid of hurting his feelings or “making him feel” inadequate.

    I’m not really looking for a specific answer or piece of advice… just coming to terms with myself. Of course, if anyone has something helpful to say I’d gladly accept it. Otherwise, just consider this a weird riff. Thanks for reading.

  188.  #188Lily Medusa on August 6, 2012 at 11:08 pm

    Okayyyy, I’m going to put my foot in my mouth again. After I wrote that big long novel of a comment above, suddenly I feel exhausted. Like all I want to do is fall in bed and sleep for 12 hours.

    I hate to post a huge comment and then walk away from it, but I am finally realizing how tired I am and I want to sleep.

    If any sirens want to post a response to my comment, I absolutely WILL come back to the blog tomorrow and read and respond to what you wrote. Believe me, I am looking for answers. If no one feels like responding, that’s okay too. I love and appreciate you all.

    Thank you so much and good night.

  189.  #189ruth on August 6, 2012 at 11:25 pm

    Sleep well LM
    Whats coming across strongly for me is that your man is more than willing to talk with you about this issue
    he sounds sensitive and caring

    This is a massive healing opportunity for you
    And it probably shows that you feel you can trust this man if this is able to surface now
    Thank you for raising this issue-you are not the only one who finds it dificult to talk to a man about sex

  190.  #190ruth on August 6, 2012 at 11:28 pm

    From where i am sitting it looks as though he is steping up and doing everything right

    Are you afraid of the imtimacy?

    I dont know
    (I feel a bit envious of you and now i feel bad for feeling that)

  191.  #191Miss Bells on August 6, 2012 at 11:28 pm

    I have been feeling and acting INVISIBLE in this relationship. I want to be SEEN and HEARD!!

  192.  #192Tam on August 6, 2012 at 11:48 pm

    LM, agree with Ruth. I have no good suggestions sadly. I once did a major no-no when things did not feel good and he wouldn’t change I blurted out ‘I don’t like this!’. Don’t let it get to that stage, I had been bottling it up.
    Major disaster, the reply was ‘well, you’ll get it from somewhere else won’t you’. I cringe about it now. Took about 6 months to undo the damage, and it was never really undone.
    Maybe speak before having sex nxt time, in a relaxed moment…i know it’s hard..
    Good luck!

  193.  #193ruth on August 6, 2012 at 11:55 pm

    LM, I guess if you emphasise what you do like and how good that is

  194.  #194Butterfly wings on August 7, 2012 at 12:07 am

    I’m with Ruth. Express what you like – emphasize what he’s doing well…

  195.  #195Carlie on August 7, 2012 at 12:09 am

    Hi Sirens,
    Longtime lurker, first time commenter. 🙂
    I guess I am just looking for some support and a place to vent about my current situation instead of having a bunch of obsessive thoughts constantly running through my head… I basically know what I need to do (which is nothing) but it still hurts like hell. 🙁

    I wrote to Rori and am hoping she uses my story in a future email, but in a nutshell I’m pining over a guy who has been in my life since January. We’ll call him Lawyer. Started off like something out of a movie where he fell for me right away and completely swept me off my feet too. And I do mean COMPLETELY. He was talking about marriage and kids from date #2 and instead of freaking me out I was happy! It was like a dream for a couple months until he spooked himself… then came back 2 weeks later saying he wanted to buy me a ring and what was my ring size and did I have a friend who could help him shop for something I’d like.

    Well, that never materialized and ever since it’s been a rollercoaster of him disappearing for weeks at a time and then coming back. He said he fell so hard so fast that he got scared. I have been leaning back the whole time as Rori’s stuff has always come very naturally to me… but my mistakes were being exclusive (he asked me to be his girlfriend after the 2nd date) and of course having sex. I did it only after he said he loved me and that we were in a committed relationship leading to marriage within 1 year… but he obviously broke that commitment when he went into his cave (although he has never broken up with me). So now I’m bonded to a guy who’s not ready for commitment. 🙁

    I did get out of being exclusive, and he knows I won’t do that anymore without a ring… but CDing is very slow this summer and truth be told my heart’s not in it.

    The last time I saw him was 2 months ago and he was talking about a spring engagement… but it’s just words at this point. Now about every 3 weeks or so he blows up my phone with texts and calls where it feels like he wants me to chase him, but he won’t even ask me out on a DATE! And he tries get me to come over to his place late at night, which is something that NEVER happened when we were boyfriend and girlfriend. The last call I got from him was on Friday night – he asks if I was on a date (as if it’s any of his business) and then says he just wants to “hold” me, no sex, and that I am welcome to come over anytime. I said I was open to dating but that I liked him too much to have some casual physical thing. He said fair enough… then he said he missed me.


    So as you can imagine I am heartbroken and have been for quite some time now. I know there’s nothing I can “do” to fix it – I do believe he loves me but he has to go through his process and I have to try and forget about him unless he’s knocking down my door. It’s just sooooo hard. If he were ready, he’d be perfect… but who knows when or if that will ever happen. 🙁

  196.  #196Rebecca on August 7, 2012 at 12:44 am

    Morning sirens

    I woke up in a dark place, thinking about friends I had known who mysteriously ‘poofed’ on me. I felt so sad. I feel they avoid me like a smelly old tramp. I feel sad. It’s hard to combat these feelings of abandonment. They get me every so often… I have a headache… Need to get out of bed…

  197.  #197Rebecca on August 7, 2012 at 12:47 am


    Why amnI not good enough for these people? What did I do wrong? What do I need to learn about myself? Can I change…

  198.  #198Rebecca on August 7, 2012 at 12:50 am

    I had a couple of friends at work who I used to organise activities with. Admitedly it was my idea, but after awhilethey didn’t seem so keen and I felt they were coming up with excuses all the time that they were busy etc… And the activities seemed to stop. Then I felt they were ignoring me… I feel sad thinking about this…

  199.  #199Rebecca on August 7, 2012 at 12:51 am

    I had a couple of friends at work who I used to organise activities with. Admitedly it was my idea, but after awhilethey didn’t seem so keen and I felt they were coming up with excuses all the time that they were busy etc… And the activities seemed to stop. Then I felt they were ignoring me… I feel sad thinking about this…

  200.  #200Smile on August 7, 2012 at 12:52 am


    This made me so smiley to think you have included these feelings in your mantra 🙂

    Your last post really showed this reflected in true life for you. I feel happiness for you.

  201.  #201Rebecca on August 7, 2012 at 1:00 am

    Men I like also ‘poof’ on me… I wonder what that is about..?

  202.  #202Rebecca on August 7, 2012 at 1:10 am

    People at work that I was once friends with now looked at me like they couldn’t stand me.

    With my neighbour gone I can now breath…

    It felt like he was avoiding me. Giving me the ‘I’m busy’ look…

    Never have relationships with neighbours or work colleagues. They may only being jice to you because they live next to you, or sit next to you at work.

    Wow, I feel extremely paranoid thinking about this…. Mmm… Feels stiff all across my back and tight in my chest… I want to learn… I want to move on… I wish I hadn’t made the mistakes of the past… I am finding it hard not to feel self conscious and paranoid at the moment… I woke up feeling super, super critical of myself. These are all NEGATIVE emotions that I want to work on…. I feel butterflies and sickness in my belly… (((((((me))))))

  203.  #203Smile on August 7, 2012 at 1:17 am

    Rebecca, can you right yourself a mantra or some affirmations to tell yourself each day?

    How do you feel? What do you want to attract for yourself?

  204.  #204Rebecca on August 7, 2012 at 1:27 am

    I feel like the annoying girl in the office always trying to make friends with everybody

    I feel like the annoying neighbour always trying to make friends with everybody

    Hmmm… Love to me… Love to my poor, sad, lonely heart that was just trying to make friends… Love to me… I feel sad at my realisation…

  205.  #205Rebecca on August 7, 2012 at 1:34 am


    Yes, a mantra would be good… I still don’t have the confidence for one though… Maybe to stop and think before I do something rash… But that just scares me and I don’t want to feel scared… Hmmm… I will think somemore…

    How do I feel?

    I feel very sad. Things don’t seem to ‘flow’ naturally for me.. I constantly feel like I am fightibg to keep my head above water… Hnmm… Not sure if that makes sense??

    What do I want to attract for myself?

    A life I love!! Feeling confident!! Feeling positive!! Feeling focused and on a path…
    More and a deeper understanding of who J am.. Really loving and liking myself…

  206.  #206Rebecca on August 7, 2012 at 1:39 am

    … I also feel that I am always trying to make people who don’t like me, like me… Love to me… It’s okay to feel desperate and sad when someone doesn’t like me.. Its okay to have heart sinking feelings, it’s okay to feel sad….

  207.  #207Smile on August 7, 2012 at 1:50 am


    Maybe the first line of your mantra could be

    I am enough

    You don’t have to ‘believe’ it right now but saying this everyday will shift that for you.

  208.  #208Butterfly Wings on August 7, 2012 at 1:55 am

    I am meeting TH in just over an hour. It feels “weird” to me, that we’re doing this. It’s like he’s totally turned my life upside down, but things keep going as “normal”?

    I’ve told him I am going straight home after the gym too – he was implying that I’d go to his house and “hang out” with him for a while.

    Uh… no. I don’t feel safe right now, so I’m in self-protection mode and have to take this really slowly…

  209.  #209Rebecca on August 7, 2012 at 2:06 am


    Okay, thanks. I will give it a go and let you know how I get on… Good luck to me! I would love to shift this sadness..

  210.  #210Smile on August 7, 2012 at 2:19 am

    I find I have been able to genuinely use roris tools to make a difference when I have consistently applied them to my life. Reading about something just isn’t enough. Wow I have soo much still to learn. Growing feels expansive and great like I could let the world in right now 

  211.  #211Smile on August 7, 2012 at 2:26 am


    I also find smiling helps lots too! Smile at people you know and people you don’t! Don’t need to be a big grin bearing teeth even a little one will do. Let the happiness radiate out of you!

    Love smile 

  212.  #212Rebecca on August 7, 2012 at 2:46 am


    Generally in the outside world I am a very happy, smiley person. People always comment on my smile which I love…

  213.  #213Daria on August 7, 2012 at 3:30 am

    lounging feeling tired in a hotel in Vienna

  214.  #214Butterfly Wings on August 7, 2012 at 3:37 am

    And… things have gone even further downhill than they already were.

    TH wanted me to go to the gym with him tonight but before I left home I found some pics on FB where he had posted flirty comments to another woman he met while overseas.

    I was NOT happy to say the least, especially because my ex was doing the same thing before I left him. Ick!!!!

    then he got all angry and has now blocked me on FB – lol. I’m sure Rori wrote a post about that along the lines of RUN AND NEVER LOOK BACK!

    So now he’s angry. I’m also angry.

    I have a heap of his stuff still at my house. He has some of my things at his…

    Oh this day HAS to get better!!!!!

  215.  #215Daria on August 7, 2012 at 3:44 am

    also feeling smily and fancy and excited and unworthy and insecure and stylish and better than and guilty

  216.  #216LiliBee on August 7, 2012 at 3:49 am

    ((( BW )))

    I hate FB.

  217.  #217Butterfly Wings on August 7, 2012 at 3:57 am

    Oh it’s not even FB. It’s the fact that he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. I’m so over trying to do the nice girl FM thing with him. OVER it.

    If he wants to do stupid stuff like that, then he doesn’t even deserve me. My logical brain keeps telling me he’s no good for me. Everybody around me is saying he’s no good for me. Everybody around me says he is a step down from me.

    But in my heart I still love that idiot of a man… 🙁


    Thankfully I have alternate plans for Friday, seeing as he’s also cancelled our dinner date. Looks like I’ll be going to after work drinks with a bunch of people now…

  218.  #218Tam on August 7, 2012 at 3:58 am

    BW I hate fb also. This kind of thing happened to me too 🙁

  219.  #219Butterfly Wings on August 7, 2012 at 4:01 am

    My ex actually had a “thing” going with another woman on MSN.

    When I caught him he stopped, but some time later he started having too many online conversations on FB with other women. He would hide the screen when I walked by…

  220.  #220Memulo on August 7, 2012 at 4:02 am

    Thank you Blooming, MissStix and RG for your help yesterday. It didn’t go too well and not too bad, the case is postponed.

    In the evening he started texting me that he can’t do this for another 2 years and I was supporting him and saying he will find the way and find strength and then at some point it turned against me and he was saying I don’t understand, don’t get it. I stopped texting back and later he texted again and this morning I replied again. Now regretting it of course.

    I am thinking next time if I hear ‘you don’t get it’ to say that I feel tired and need to go to work tomorrow. I don’t know, it didn’t make me feel good to argue with him when I was all support and understanding.

  221.  #221Memulo on August 7, 2012 at 4:05 am

    Funny re: the article – at our dinner on Sat night he said: you trust me, you want to support me, you respect me and like me.

  222.  #222Femininewoman on August 7, 2012 at 4:29 am

    Daria you are in Austria?

  223.  #223Daria on August 7, 2012 at 4:30 am

    i feel uncomfortable when i read about FM’s associated with ‘nice.’

    I feel way better to associate FM’s with being real, and actually helping me get away from being ‘nice.’

    But am I associating them still with being ‘nice’ somewhere? I feel concerned that seeing them as equal could be a powerful subconscious sabotage on myself.

    As in, don’t take care of myself, don’t be honest, don’t express myself, because that would be ‘nice’ to him and i feel so angry and i want to go to my punishing strategy instead

    thats’ what i imagine would happen in my head ‘behind the scenes’ if FM’s = ‘nice’ to me

    . I’ve said many ‘i feel angry”s and ‘i feel turned off’ and sometimes get insecure about how ‘not nice’ i am

    i’ve noticed when i attack, disrespect a man – when i don’t express my feelings authentically – it actually keeps me BONDED to him and obsessing in my head

    right now i feel guilty about attacking a guy on the phone before i left 🙁

    i feel all weirdly piny and i don’t even want this guy, its that i didnt’ express my truth clearly and attacked that’s keeping me tied to him and the energy dynamic

    urrggh 🙁

    i feel guilty for blaming him 🙁

    i feel worried im broken and will always be attacky/abusive

    i feel judgemental of myself and broken and not healthy and feel compelled to warn men that im not that great and it would be hard to be with me

  224.  #224Daria on August 7, 2012 at 4:33 am

    Femininewoman – yup 🙂 i feel all important saying im in Vienna

    i feel embarassed and actually ashamed about that and ashamed to feel ashamed about that

  225.  #225Daria on August 7, 2012 at 4:36 am

    i feel guilty

    i actually Want to be ‘nice’

    i feel terrified im a deamon and too strong for any one man on earth 🙁

    and that no man will really want me and as my relationships get more intimate i will always go back to masculine energy and men will leave me


    and i beleive that and dont want to

    it makses a lot of senes

    ok no matter

    its not ture

    and i change everymoment

  226.  #226Daria on August 7, 2012 at 4:38 am

    i feel ashamed that ‘staying in Vienna’ makes me feel important

    i feel judgemental of my ‘snobiness’

    i want to heal this

    this feels powerful

  227.  #227Linda on August 7, 2012 at 4:44 am

    199. Thank you Smile… your words are exactly what I was feeling and helped me organize them into speaking form. I seem to need help with that.

    As far as my time with this last CD. I got triggered big time last night. (when the another woman called him more than once, even though he did not answer it)… I was about to part company with him anyway, the phone ringing just sped up my departure. I am happy that I matched my actions with what I was feeling immediately! It did not feel good to me to hear a comment. “So many women, so little time, hahaha”…. UM, it felt so crass and haughty. He says and does stuff like that all the time which totally kills any attraction I have for him.

    I feel proud that I practiced self love and protected me…(this is new for me yeah)! Still on my bridge.

    Being unattached to any outcome other than my best interest and growth as I am dating is the best feeling! I am not hindered by anything or swayed one way other the other. Truley a gift. Rori is right!

  228.  #228Memulo on August 7, 2012 at 4:51 am

    Haha Daria, yes you are important, enjoy Vienna!

    Btw the best Bosch paintings I saw were in Vienna, in art institute or I don’t remember the name exactly, but it’sa small museum on a top floor of Art University (?) building. It’s not the main national art gallery and I think the entranc eis even free. Pretend you’re a student 😉

  229.  #229Daria on August 7, 2012 at 5:07 am

    thanks Memulo! will write it down Bsoch paintings

  230.  #230Daria on August 7, 2012 at 5:08 am

    3 Goddesses and a Grandmother

    – by Brenda MacIntyre

    I am writing this on August 4th at 8:14pm. I just channelled the most amazing song for a client in her session today. So powerful it brought me to tears. And after I did the reading and energy work… wow, I have tears even now as I write this, it is so potent…

    I was given – as a download and deeply compelling calling – my next phase for 2013 for my business.

    My guides want me to pass down a very sacred piece of my life’s work, to a powerful group of women who will feel and know that they are the ones to receive and share this body of work in their practices. It is nearly time for this work to be shared in a much bigger way that has not yet crystallized, but will, for what feels like Spring of 2013.
    And. I have a message from the sacred feminine. And I say the sacred feminine because it is coming through 3 ancient goddesses/priestesses and a grandmother and yet, they are just the messengers of the web of sacred feminine energy rising up from Mother Earth that includes all of the goddesses, priestesses, all sacred women leaders, teachers, mentors, healers, intuitives… in whatever roles they have played throughout time.

    If you’re a healer, spiritual life coach, shaman, medicine person or spiritual mentor/teacher, priestess, whatever… if you are working with the sacred feminine and you are bringing your gifts into the world – or you’re about to – it’s time for you to get ready. RIGHT NOW. The urgency is palpable. I can feel it in my whole being and it is being emanated by these 3 goddesses and the grandmother.
    The message is so simple and clear but the impact of the message is more potent than I have ever felt it before. And here it is…


    If you can feel that you are supposed to be doing bigger things, supposed to be deepening your practice, supposed to be going BIG with your gifts…
    If you can feel the potency of this message and the incredible sacred feminine power coming through this message, you MUST do whatever it takes to open up to the true power underneath your gifts that you have not been fully tapping into.

    We [the goddesses and the grandmother – and all other sacred feminine beings waiting to support us] can no longer wait. It doesn’t matter who we are, just that you listen. And act. And be. And feel.
    You have more strength inside you than you give yourself credit for. Tap into that strength.

    You have all the support you could ever ask for. Ask for it. And let yourself receive it.
    Do not wait any longer. Your gifts are KEY to this great unfolding.

    Call upon us with your heart. We will feed your heart energy so that you can live your greatest calling.
    You don’t need to know the next move every time you step forward. You just need to take the step forward.

    We are here for you. We are not going away. You are not alone. Ever.
    We can no longer be silent. We are the song of the Earth and of all hearts. There is an uprising but it is not what you think. We are not talking about war here. We are not talking about fighting. We are talking about allowing. Presence. Warmth. Being. Power the way it is meant to be expressed. And you are the ones who are to express it. In joy, happiness, knowing, acceptance and love.

    We know you can do this. You can do what it is that is for you to do. Without having to do it alone.
    It is the time of Great Receiving.

    Receive of the gifts we have for you. Receive of the abundance you need in this time, in this physical manifestation of the world as it is right now, so that you can receive of the great gifts we have for you.
    Receive so that you may be of higher service to those who are seeking you.

    We know it is so simple for us to say but not so easy for you to do. And we have faith in you. You were born into this time with purpose. All that you have learned and experienced up to now… it is a gift that brought you to this place, this time and this readiness that you now have. Even if you do not feel you are ready, you are.
    Do not be silent any longer. Find the way to speak your truth and your words will resonate like bells being rung.

    It is your time, sister, it is your time.

  231.  #231LiliBee on August 7, 2012 at 5:59 am

    Woke up this morning with my heart feeling like it was being squeezed.
    I feel tight between the shoulder blades.

    I felt resistence to get ready for work.
    I feel lost.

    I got to work, opened my email inbox to an offer for a shoulder to cry on by a true angel.
    A nonjudgemental openminded angel who is encourageing me to look deep into myself.

    I accepted the offer.

    I need to summon my boy energy to tackle my workload.
    I have not been very productive lately, and my work is falling way behind.

  232.  #232Femininewoman on August 7, 2012 at 6:02 am


  233.  #233Dancing Siren on August 7, 2012 at 6:17 am

    So something else happened.

    I doubt anyone will think I am a hero after this but I don’t care. Am going to tell you anyway.

    This morning I woke up to period pains. I always get them and sometimes I get them bad. A few times they have been REALLY bad. The last time they were seriously bad was back in Jan, just when I had started dating S, and it happened at his house. We didn’t know each other well and I had no idea they were going to be so bad.

    We are talking writhing on the floor in agony bad…

    Anyway he was a total sweetie and looked after me, filled me with painkillers and put me in his bed and stroked my hair until the painkillers kicked in, which took over and hour, and it eased off a bit.

    Well this morning the pains were even worse.

    I felt so scared.

    I was crying out with pain and I just didn’t know what to do. I had already taken 5 painkillers and was frightened of OD-ing with them. I mean you can’t call an abulance for period pains can you??!! But that is what I felt like doing.

    I wondered whether to call my Mum and she was at work. Her job is quite important and full on… she is very busy and its not easy to take time off.

    My brain felt foggy with pain and I just didn’t want to be on my own. I needed help. I felt worried in case something was seriously wrong… like a twisted tube or something…

    I called S. It rang out. So I sent him this bizarre misspelt text saying I was in pain and I needed help. I thought he would understand, having seen what it was like that time it happened before.

    There was no response.

    I felt so alone and scared. I called my Mum. I didn’t play it down, which I would have done usually I just asked her to please come quick because I was in pain and I couldn’t cope with it on my own.

    She came straight away.

    It felt like forever though, there on the floor.

    I feel like a drama Queen, and quite honestly its the worst physical pain I have experienced in my life, aside from having my tonsils removed as an adult 2 years ago. I was sweating, writhing around on the floor, could not keep still, crouched over double clutching tummy and I was sure I was going to pass out or be sick. I didn’t do either, just remained on the floor writhing and trying to find a less painful position.

    Anyway, when my Mum got here I just burst into loud tears. I’d already been crying anyway, these ones were just louder.

    But she took care of me, and got me a hot water bottle and a special hot drink and the the painkillers finally kicked in.

    She had to call the pub to say I wouldn’t be coming in which I was also dreading as they must think I am messing about, as I have been after cover for my last 2 shifts, tomorrow and the next day, to try to avoid working with S. So far no one can cover me so it looks like I will have to do the shifts.

    I don’t see how this is a good move on the part of the Universe but whatever.

    Anyway I am now feeling a bit better. A lot better actually, just weak and wiped out.

    I have had to cancel my client for this evening :-/ and I just need to take care of myself.

    I realise this now.

    S has since been in touch.

    He said sorry he can’t help me. He is in his own mess. He has been texting saying he is an alcoholic, he hates himself, he is sorry etc.

    I did reply to his first text. I just said I was ok now. My Mum came. I said to him I felt worried and scared and to just please get the help he needs. I said I can’t take it anymore. I can’t help him. I asked him not to call me later, cus he said he was going to.

    This is hard.

    And I read something written by Wendy Piersall yesterday, in which she talks about being married to an alcoholic, and how she was addicted to the emotional ups and downs, as much as he was addicted to the alcohol.

    This is me too.

    She talks about how this was holding her back in every area of her life. How she was not being everything she could be.

    How she had to raise her game, for her. How it was the only way.

    She didn’t know if her husband would stop drinking or not.

    But she had to do it for her.

    I have to do it for me. I have to take care of me. Like really focus on me.

    Stop distracting myself with all the emotional dramas, and take responsibility for my life for once!

    I don’t know if I can do it. I feel really scared.

    More, I don’t really know ‘how’ exactly to do it. But I have an idea. And something inside me (my heart) is leading me, and I am going to do my daamndest to listen.

    I am going to start by arranging a doctors appointment to discuss these period pains, and buy myself some evening primrose oil.

    There are lots of other things I can do.

    The times I fear the most are the mundane feeling times. I feel terrified of them. And of that I may not be able to exist without this drama in my life, even though I want to now.

    I still need to feel alive.

    I am praying for me.

    I hope I can make it.

    Don’t know what to do about the texts from S. Changing my number is not an option.

    But I can take it one day at a time.

    Gosh I feel like a Drama Queen.

    Love to Me.

  234.  #234Dancing Siren on August 7, 2012 at 6:21 am


    Hoping you can find the strength to do what needs doing and remember to take care of you when you need it.


  235.  #235Dancing Siren on August 7, 2012 at 6:26 am

    Lillibee and others,

    Thanks for the talk of mirrors above.

    It has helped me too.

    Mine is this.

    I H8TE his lying and smokescreens.

    But I am a lier too, because I don’t really want to be with a man like this.

    A man who has addictions and lies and isn’t well.

    I have fallen in love with his potential, not the real, complete man as he is.

    I don’t want what he currently is, so therefore I don’t really want him.

    So I have been lying about this.

    Falling in love with someone’s potential isn’t fair.

    Its not accepting, authentic and loving.

    Accepting, authentic and loving is taking the WHOLE person, as they are now, and not trying to change them, or letting them go.

    So I am a liar too.

    Lilibee, you are right.

    Mirrors never lie, it’s just sometimes very hard to see.

    Love to all.


  236.  #236Radlove on August 7, 2012 at 6:30 am

    No More Waiting (thoughts on wound care)

    Dear Brenda,

    You’ve got career goals to accomplish.

    Legendary love affairs to have.
    Creative genius to share.

    Yet, you wait.
    You putter along at half-capacity.

    Your past tugs at your hemline.
    Slowing you up.
    Weighing you down.

    You must remember that time is your most precious commodity.

    You can’t buy more time. It’s just not possible.

    You need to become incredibly aware of the places you are investing your spirit.
    And over-investing in your history, in the past, is simply wasteful.
    It’s unproductive + paralyzing. Regardless of what your history is.

    It doesn’t matter what has transpired in your life.
    “But look at all this trauma,” you say.

    Look at these scars, these wounds + all the sadness I have had to endure.”

    And truly, there are those among us whose trauma is so monumental
    that we need to put it in a separate category and grant generous empathy + kindheartedness.

    But for the most part? The wounds that we have had in our life are much,

    much smaller than that.

    And these wounds are certainly not big enough for you to put the breaks on + stop
    pursuing your goals, passions + ever developing mojo.

    They’re just not big enough.

    I am not suggesting you repress, bury or disrespect the significance of all you
    have been through.

    Not at all.

    Bow to the healing process.
    Talk it out with a good friend.
    Visit the self-help section of your favorite bookstore.
    Call a therapist or coach.

    Do it.

    But be vigilant about how much of your day you spend lamenting, arranging + rearranging
    the past. There is a delicate tipping point after which an appropriate interest
    in your history becomes over-investment and subsequently unproductive + wasteful.

    Watch the slippery slope of recapitulation. It’s purgatory.
    However you are, you are here + you’re ready for more.

    Nothing that has happened excuses you from accomplishing your deepest wants + desires.

    Tear off the band-aids.

    Declare that there will be no more waiting.
    Head out into the world…..limping if you have to.
    Refuse to occupy the in-between.

    Be here now.
    With all your perfect + not so perfect parts.

    Your soul is rooting for you.



    I’m part relationship expert, life coach + part spiritual a$$-kicker.

    But show up ready.

    This is life at full-tilt.

    Smart Advice

    Do you have a pesky question burning a hole in your pocket? Email me at

  237.  #237Sirenity on August 7, 2012 at 6:37 am

    Butterfly Wings

    This interaction reminds me of the theory that people who are separating a relationship need to polarize themselves away from the other in order to actually break up . It is the energy polarity that allows the separation.

    The energy to cope with all that change and loss comes from the PUSHING each other away . Its much harder to get enough energy to PULL oneself away from the habit (gym) , companionship – (staying in the same house, dinner together ) than it is to push against the other with angry interactions and force the separation.

    All this FB stuff and the anger is just part of the polarising. This may “explain”some of what is happening. In divorces this polarising can get really negative and hurtful to people we once loved and cared about. It is this very shift from love to anger that lets the relationship “unglue”

    I hope this helps you keep more active choice of how you wish to separate.

    It also may prepare you for any “nasty business’ which may ensue.

  238.  #238Emoticon on August 7, 2012 at 6:47 am

    I like this article. Very true.

  239.  #239Daria on August 7, 2012 at 6:47 am

    In divorces this polarising can get really negative and hurtful to people we once loved and cared about.

    Ouch and yes and I feel fear of this, ive felt pain from this expected this felt hopeless knowing this was coming


    I intend to heal this

  240.  #240Iamabutterfly on August 7, 2012 at 6:47 am

    My chest feels tight and I feel sad and a little anxious.

    I feel exposed, like the whole world can see the battle that’s raging inside of me and it feels so embarassing, and I feel so weak.

    I don’t feel strong enough internally for the external changes that are about to happen in my life.

    Change always makes me feel sad and shaky, but for some reason it feels scarier now that I’ve opened up so much, and realized how much healing still needs to be done inside of me.

    I feel like my ignorance and emotional immaturity would be cute and endearing if I were sixteen. but since I’m an adult, it feels really embarassing and childish.

    I feel so frustrated. I feel angry that I am just now learning so much, when it could’ve saved me so much pain if I had only known earlier.

    On one hand I feel relieved, that my experience is very universal, because for so long, I felt like an emotional outcast and a freak. And guy after guy would try with me, give up, and then look at me with pity upon seeing me still alone later in life, which embarasses and infuriates me. how I can never seem to get over things.

    how every time hurts a little bit more.


    I’m learning, I’m shifting, I’m feeling, and I’m communicating.

    Everything is going to be okay.

    I feel teary right now, though.

  241.  #241Belle on August 7, 2012 at 6:50 am

    229 I felt emotional reading this post. (I am having a heck of a time identifying my emotions…I felt a lot of sensation around my heart, it felt expanded and a surge sort of outward, and I felt sensations rise in my throat and tears come to my eyes. Sirens, what would you call this? It doesn’t feel like joy, joy feels deeper and more grounded, connected for me. Anyway…)

    I am feeling this message so strongly. I am sitting here at my unfulfilling job that is the kind of job that used to be so great for me but isn’t working for me anymore. My brain has changed or something, and office/admin work that used to come so natural and easy is difficult because my memory is so fluid now. My co-worker is very irritated by how “flowy” I am and is triggered a few times a week by the fact that I don’t remember what I did or why from one day to the next.

    I know I can write, and what makes me happy is doing intuitive work. I know I’ve said this before, I just don’t know how to get started or how to call what I do. It isn’t healing, it isn’t psychic work…I am also very good at leading others through the “Feeding Your Demons” process
    Sedona Method releasing,
    and simple constellation work even though I’ve never been trained, I just picked it up naturally.

    I do feel called to share my gifts and do BIG work. I’d love to offer them freely to the community and lead “Feeding Your Demons” groups for world issues like starvation, poverty, hate, war, even stuff that comes up in people like around the Chick-Fil-A polarity.
    Sunday a friend of mine told me I had become known to her and her husband as, “The woman who opens up entire new universes with a question.” 🙂 I find intuitive work is also about asking good questions to open others’ minds to new possibilities and their own un/subconscious processes. They don’t even have to answer the question. Asking it is enough to get the thought process going and over time the mind will come up with the answers.

    I have explored my dark side fairly thoroughly and create a safe space for people to laugh about terrible things, taboo subjects, painful memories in order to move the stuck energy and release the pain. The laughter isn’t about being funny or schadenfreude, it’s about moving the energy!

    I know there’s a space for my gifts, and I know they are BIG. I’m in tears again because I feel the truth of it and see the perfection of all of my life experience, where all of the pain, terror, trauma and tragedy and my own deeper knowing that there’s a better way, it doesn’t have to be like this has formed me like a diamond. I am a hopeless idealist and romantic and I trust trust trust in the power of unconditional love and the intelligence of our source and everything in me feels about to burst at the seams with yearning to grow this love not within a romantic relationship but with all of creation. The idea of romantic relationship now seems so small in light of what my true heart’s desires are. My inner guidance has been showing me for a few weeks now that I haven’t been asking for nearly enough from God, that it’s my place and my right and my gift as a dreamer to call into being beyond what I can imagine.

    I feel overwhelmed with this knowing, with this seed of truth that is growing inside of me.

    I feel a profound desire to offer this love and my gifts to the world in a big big way (haha I’m crying at my desk…my co-workers are used to me being weird by now I think).

    Breathing, allowing, receiving…yes thank you gratitude.

  242.  #242Daria on August 7, 2012 at 6:50 am

    Yay Babystep

    I am feeling so hungry and eating the bag of peanuts even tho it might have cost 6 euro

    It’s 2

    Thank you me

    Sigh of relief

    I don’t feel good feeling overhungry

  243.  #243Iamabutterfly on August 7, 2012 at 6:50 am

    and I feel scared and anxious. because even with all the learning I’m doing, I still have no idea what’s going to happen and that makes me feel unsettled. I almost wish a strong man would meet me here in the middle of this mess, and tell me he was going to see me through it.

    But God is here with me, and even if everyone else abandons me, HE is going to see me through it.

  244.  #244Daria on August 7, 2012 at 6:53 am


    I SEE and HEAR you Goddess

  245.  #245Iamabutterfly on August 7, 2012 at 6:53 am

    I feel guilty admitting this, but I still feel so angry about the pain in my past. I didn’t know how to handle it, and when I asked around for advice, no one seemed to understand or care as much as I did. There were no solid, definitive answers. I felt unheard and I felt not believed. and I felt grief, sorrow, and anger, and it was like there was no one around who could understand or validate all the scary feelings I was feelings. I had never felt such intense feelings, and it was like no one understood them or knew how to help me.

  246.  #246Iamabutterfly on August 7, 2012 at 6:55 am

    I guess I’m still on the tail-end of grieving. and that makes me feel so frustrated, because this has been the most complicated grief I’ve known.

    and I feel guilty because so many other people I’m sure have it so much worse. but that doesn’t matter or make this any less real, does it?

  247.  #247Daria on August 7, 2012 at 6:56 am

    What do I call that feeling… My friend… I’ve known her feared her still don’t know what to call her…. Teary overwhelm Greatful

  248.  #248Femininewoman on August 7, 2012 at 6:57 am

    ((((((((((((((((((Dancing Siren)))))))))))))))))))) I feel your pain. I feel your humanity. Sometimes it seems there is no hope but we have to put one foot in front of another and take life moment by moment.

    Many studies say men lie to women they love. Trust that you are not alone.

  249.  #249Radlove on August 7, 2012 at 7:00 am

    My date with Young Buck was horrible, so I felt astounded when he started texting me last night.

    The longer we were together, the more silent he got. We were at a bar after not finding a beach. His eyes were focused on the TV behind me almost the whole time, and the rest of the time, they were focused on his phone.

    After leaving extended silences for him to start conversations, I finally started making conversation. Every attempt fell flat. I finally concluded he just wasn’t interested in me.

    When we parted ways, he said, “Well?”

    I said, “Good night.”

    I didn’t expect to hear from him again. After a few weird nondescript texts, about 2 hours later he texted:

    YB: U seemed bored all night.

    B: No, I kept trying to start a conversation and finally gave up.

    YB: Ok…

    B: What do you think?

    YB: IDK

    YB: I wanted to make a move but IDK =/

    B: I see, I didn’t know that.

    YB: Yeah…

    YB: What if I had?

    B: I thought you hated my guts. I would have gone with the flow.

    YB: I don’t hate you, I wanted to put my hand somewhere, LOL.

    B: I see

    I guess what I am seeing is he is seriously nervous and probably has little experience dating. Wow, one of my worst dates ever. I feel compassion.

  250.  #250Iamabutterfly on August 7, 2012 at 7:03 am

    Because the “right man” has a simple equation. His love for you and desire to make you happy and keep the relationship going strong is MORE important to him than his own comfort zone.

    He’d rather be embarrassed about his mistakes and “issues” than lose you or have the relationship decline and you be unhappy.

    He’d rather talk through stuff (and he’s able to do that) and work through stuff and make discoveries and changes than watch you be unhappy and frustrated and lose the relationship.

    It’s really simple. To Mr. Right: YOU are GREATER THAN his concerns about him.

    Your happiness = his happiness

    On a day-to-day level, it might not look like this. On some days, his personal pain, fear and issues may block his love and he may run.

    Same for you – you may not receive his love when he gives it because you’re feeling angry and resentful and stuffed feelings down – and you may block him in other ways (by focusing on men or other things “out there”).

    But when push-comes-to-shove – with Mr. Right – you KNOW he’s going to come through. You KNOW he loves you. You KNOW – because of the collection of all his ACTIONS in your relationship over time – that he’s going to put the relationship ahead of his issues and you’re going to be able to work through ANYTHING.

    Therefore – the “working through” may not be easy because it requires US looking inside and exposing ourselves and rising above our OWN defenses and comfort level!


    Love, Rori

  251.  #251Iamabutterfly on August 7, 2012 at 7:11 am

    “You KNOW – because of the collection of all his ACTIONS in your relationship over time – that he’s going to put the relationship ahead of his issues and you’re going to be able to work through ANYTHING.”

    I feel so moved by this. It reminds me of 1 Corinthians 13. To me, love is more about ACTIONS than FEELINGS.

    Yes, it is definitely about both, and I know now that communicating feelings is imperative.

    Wow, I just had a memory.
    I never used to communicate feelings, and I had always had a hard time “showing” love through my actions. How was any poor man supposed to know how I felt? Especially without feminine intuition?

    I feel so stupid.
    It’s okay.
    I forgive myself.
    She didn’t know any better.

  252.  #252Iamabutterfly on August 7, 2012 at 7:14 am

    why is this affecting me so deeply? I feel like all of these realizations and memories and processing and grieving, I feel like it’s slowing me down in my life so much, and it feels frustrating and I feel pain in my heart and I feel headache-y and teary and tired.

  253.  #253Daria on August 7, 2012 at 7:15 am


  254.  #254Iamabutterfly on August 7, 2012 at 7:15 am

    My inner boy has so much he needs to get done. He doesn’t have time for all this girly crying!

    But maybe he just needs someone to scoop him up and kiss his scuffed up knees.

  255.  #255Rebecca on August 7, 2012 at 7:39 am

    ((((((Butterfly Wings)))))))
    (((((((I am a butterfly))))))

  256.  #256ruth on August 7, 2012 at 7:50 am

    Im not sure what to say to you but I am hearing you
    Change alwasys feels scary
    And I guess if things are shifting and you are being open to all your feelings than that must feel overwhelming, especiallyif you do not understand all of it
    I had a taste of it last week
    I could not even identify *what* was feeling
    Its like a tidal wave, and you dont even know where you are going or whats going to happen to you
    I didnt like that
    It is really about surrendering control and trusting that things will be okay
    That feels impossible to me right now so Im blocking the feelings again

    YOU , on the other hand, are feeling them
    Good for you

  257.  #257ruth on August 7, 2012 at 7:53 am

    PS re 239

    dont beat yourself up abouit the past, hey?

  258.  #258Radlove on August 7, 2012 at 8:00 am

    (((Dancing Siren)))


  259.  #259Rebecca on August 7, 2012 at 8:02 am

    I know this sounds ridiculous but I really struggle to ‘look after’ myself. This is something I am working on…

  260.  #260P-lala on August 7, 2012 at 8:19 am

    #57 Francesca said, “Right now, I’m a bit too passionate about cheese curds…

    Squeek, squeek!”

    LOL, this made me smile. I love cheese curds and the squeek makes that oh so much better…I love food that incorporates all 5 senses.

  261.  #261Lily Medusa on August 7, 2012 at 8:20 am

    Thanks, Ruth, for 189 and 192. I feel so good reading what you said. Thanks for your comments.

    Also Tam – thanks for 192. I feel warm and happy knowing that you wonderful women care. Best to you.

    He really is a gem! And I feel so ready to heal.

    I’m going to work now but I’ll be back this evening.

  262.  #262ruth on August 7, 2012 at 8:21 am

    I feel I can relate to that one rebecca
    In facvt, id go so far as to say that I am often quite self destructive
    that doesnt feel good

  263.  #263Radlove on August 7, 2012 at 8:41 am

    The bomb dropped: my landlords just gave me an eviction letter that I have to pay $800 by August 20th, otherwise I am to be out by August 31st. Eviction proceedings have been filed with the Court. He said I’m not trying to be mean. It’s just that he HAS to have the income, whether it’s from me or from someone else. I said I understand your position, but I was hoping you would work for me. He said “Haven’t we worked with you??” The letter says that I was late 6 times out of the last 10 months. I feel scared, to the point of feeling paralyzed. I need help.

  264.  #264ruth on August 7, 2012 at 8:46 am

    Oh no Radlove

  265.  #265Starla on August 7, 2012 at 8:59 am

    i have three really wonderful guys in my rotation

    and its still not enough haha

    i want 2 more

  266.  #266Dancing Siren on August 7, 2012 at 9:02 am


    Is there any way you can get the money?


  267.  #267Starla on August 7, 2012 at 9:03 am

    there’s a meteor shower this weekend, and i was thinking “great! I can rockstar and invite whichever guy in my rotation i choose to take me somewhere to watch the shooting stars!”

    but i choose none of them, lol.

    not yet, at least.

  268.  #268Dancing Siren on August 7, 2012 at 9:12 am

    I think the best reply for me to make to his texts right now is no reply.

    I think it is better if I am not influencing the situation at all.

    I think it is better if I am removed and focusing on me.

  269.  #269ruth on August 7, 2012 at 9:29 am

    Dancing siren
    That course of action feels good to me

  270.  #270Radlove on August 7, 2012 at 9:35 am

    Dancing Siren and Ruth,

    I am waiting to be approved for unemployment. If I get it, it’s not enough to live on, but it’s enough to cover my rent and not much else ($888 a month). My rent is $750, but they are adding in a $50 late fee.

    I just don’t know yet. I am seeking all the forms of assistance I can think of. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to prioritize, because everything is in emergency mode. I don’t have any income.

    I feel myself shutting down and coming on the blog to escape, because it is so stressful I can’t stand it.

  271.  #271P-lala on August 7, 2012 at 9:43 am


    I can’t remember if you’ve talked to your church. I know that my church has a fund to help people in financial trouble.

    Also, I used to work at a large ministry that has a similar fund – I’ll send you a FB message with the details. No promises that they can help, but it couldn’t hurt.

  272.  #272Smile on August 7, 2012 at 9:48 am


  273.  #273Femininewoman on August 7, 2012 at 9:54 am

    Beyond Self-Judgment

    If you understand this, then you will see that you need to accomplish two things in your Inner Bonding practice to move beyond self-judgment.

    You need to define your own intrinsic worth, which leads to letting go of trying to control others to make you okay; developing self-compassion for your own feelings and needs, and taking loving action in your own behalf.

    You need to learn to name, acknowledge, embrace with compassion, learn from and release your core painful feelings. Once you know how to do this, you no longer need to avoid these feelings with self-judgments and other forms of self-abandonment.
    Freedom from self-judgment is the natural outcome of doing this inner work.

  274.  #274Femininewoman on August 7, 2012 at 9:57 am

    It kept me from knowing where the pain was really coming from. So even as I sincerely believed that I was trying to take care of my little girl, it is completely clear to me now that I had not taken the job.

    I am grateful that my husband left, because if he had not, I don’t know if the short-circuit tape would ever have stopped running. Nothing would have changed. Only when it became completely clear that I was never going to be able to make him the husband I thought I wanted, because he was not going to be my husband at all, could I finally stop the tape.

    When it stopped, I realized that it had been telling me a lie. Even if he had been willing to become the loving, caring person I tried so desperately to make him be, it would not have made it okay at all. I found out that it was the very act of giving the responsibility for my little girl’s needs to anyone else that was causing all the pain, not what he was doing or not doing.

  275.  #275Femininewoman on August 7, 2012 at 10:01 am

    What to do?

    What you need to remember to do is to disengage the moment the fight starts to escalate. If you wait too long, you will be in the throes of the stress response. Once your amygdala – the survival part of the brain that activates fight or flight – takes over, it is VERY hard to stop. You both are like runaway trains, trying everything you can to win or not lose. That’s when things can get very ugly.

    If you disengage the moment the fight starts to escalate, then you can cool off, get your brain back online, and do an Inner Bonding process to see what has gotten triggered in you. You can move into compassion for yourself, make sure you are not taking the other person’s words and behavior personally, allow your sadness, loneliness, heartache and helplessness over the other person’s behavior to move through you, and then address what is really going on with you. Why do you need to win? What are you trying to control? What are you afraid of? What are you trying to avoid? These are some of the questions you can ask yourself during your Inner Bonding process.

    When to Resolve the Conflict

    Once you understand your part of the conflict and you feel open hearted and open to learning, you can approach the other person to see if he or she is also ready to learn. If not, then wait. If he or she is open, then the two of you can each share what you’ve learned in your Inner Bonding process and explore what needs to happen for each of you to feel resolved. This is a wonderful, intimate process that can happen only when both people are open to learning.

    If the other person does not open to learning, then you need to let go of trying to resolve the issue between you.

  276.  #276Iamabutterfly on August 7, 2012 at 10:04 am

    do men feel turned off when you tell them you feel insecure?

  277.  #277Femininewoman on August 7, 2012 at 10:10 am

    I believe men understand insecurity so it depends on who and the context. If they sense your intention is for them to take away the insecurity then maybe especially if he is not really interested in you per se.

  278.  #278Starla on August 7, 2012 at 10:12 am

    lol, my ex (not CF) andrew is checking me out on OKCupid.

    bahahaha. I won’t look at his profile cuz I don’t want him to see that I checked him out.

  279.  #279Smile on August 7, 2012 at 10:13 am


    I release my control over money

    I release my control over needing to schedule everything

    I release my control over needing to know in advance

    I release my control over having to organise what tea will be that night

    I release my control over things needing to go to plan

    I love my spontaneous side, I want to see more of it, it makes me me laugh and feel free being spontaneous like the time when we drove 2 hours in the convertible car just so we could have fish and chips on the beach.

  280.  #280ReceivingGirl on August 7, 2012 at 10:13 am

    @58 Annie

    Haha…that is a can of worms.

    Off the top of my head:

    Not good at having small talk conversations

    Bad track record with men

    Giving others the benefit of the doubt or chances they didn’t really deserve

    Poor choices

    Not having good relationships (in general)

    Lack of boundaries and self-care (working on this)

  281.  #281Smile on August 7, 2012 at 10:14 am

    Starla- I’m intrigued by Internet dating. I guess it’s not like Facebook then, can people see who has viewed you?

  282.  #282ReceivingGirl on August 7, 2012 at 10:15 am

    @60 Iama

    Yes, it does feel sad to me too. I guess it is just too much for some people.

  283.  #283ruth on August 7, 2012 at 10:15 am

    I love that you call it “tea” as well
    I feel connected

  284.  #284Starla on August 7, 2012 at 10:19 am

    yes, and on okc, they send you an email when someone who is a ‘good match’ is checking you out, lol

  285.  #285ReceivingGirl on August 7, 2012 at 10:22 am

    @64 Rebecca

    With my Mom, I feel it’s because she doesn’t like herself. She will find something wrong with everyone & she looks for it. I was really surprised because she actually told me how cute I looked the other day. That is a rare thing.

    My parents always kept everything private and wanted the world to think we were a perfect family. Of course, we weren’t behind closed doors.

    It’s ok if you want to help people and your Mom doesn’t. You are allowed to have your own opinions and thoughts. Even if she judges you for them. 🙂

  286.  #286Radlove on August 7, 2012 at 10:28 am


    270 – Thank you so much! Yes, I’ve talked to my church. They sent an email out to their distribution list. My church is mostly college students, and so far two people were able to help.

  287.  #287Dancing Siren on August 7, 2012 at 10:28 am

    Radlove have you ever considered writing a blog and making money from it?

    Have you lookedt at Wendy Piersall’s stuff?

    And here is a link to a site you might be interested in:

    If I am way off the mark atm feel free to dsiregard. I know you have a lot going on. I was just on this site and you popped into my head…


  288.  #288ReceivingGirl on August 7, 2012 at 10:32 am

    @80 & 82 Radlove

    Yes, I can see how the sarcastic approach wouldn’t work. It feels nice you and your Mom were able to work it out.

    My Mom suffers from depression (previously treated but the meds didn’t work good for her, so now untreated), so anything she perceives to be against her, she loses it. Her glass is always half empty. I just don’t know how to handle her emotional outbursts and she feels she hates herself and can’t change. So, I don’t feel I can have any affect on her attitude. I don’t know.

  289.  #289Dancing Siren on August 7, 2012 at 10:32 am


    I am feeling a bit lonely.

    And I realised.

    I am not willing to settle for a drunk!

  290.  #290Smile on August 7, 2012 at 10:36 am

    Ruth he he ‘tea time’ lol

  291.  #291siren song on August 7, 2012 at 10:37 am

    ((lilibee)) ((dancing siren))

    good for you, DS…addiction is so so hard to deal with and it’s very hard to feel secure with an addict, no matter how you feel for him. i’ve learned that the hard way a couple of times.

  292.  #292Smile on August 7, 2012 at 10:38 am

    Starla- hm, I feel this would limit who I chose to look at? Like it would make me judge people on looks first? But I would love to see who was looking at my profile.

  293.  #293ReceivingGirl on August 7, 2012 at 10:40 am

    @100 Calypso

    I think your idea of taking time until things settle down is a good idea. Being able to relax a little while dating, instead of being on guard, will help tremendously, I think.

  294.  #294Starla on August 7, 2012 at 10:46 am

    on POF you can shut off the ability for others to see if u looked

  295.  #295Iamabutterfly on August 7, 2012 at 10:48 am

    @276 Feminine Woman – Thanks. That felt helpful. I actually put a cute picture of myself on fb and said I was feeling insecure. Then I told my “readers” to tell me I’m cute, and then to tell me to get over myself. 😉

    I had an outpouring of love and support shown to me by my women friends, and a couple of guys made some smart comments. I was just kind of feeling playful and wanted to experiment to see what would happen…

    but now I’m feeling a little shy about it…

  296.  #296ruth on August 7, 2012 at 10:48 am

    Dancing Siren
    Good call, good boundary

    you GO girl

  297.  #297Calypso on August 7, 2012 at 10:52 am

    Thanks, ReceivingGirl. I just have to keep reminding myself, “I am enough” . . .

    I’m starting to do little projects around my house, finding my own creative style and setteling into “me”. It feels good to relax and be still and listen to my inner voices sometimes. Other times, I start to feel lonely or impatient and i scroll through my list of contacts and randomly text some guy to see what he is doing . . . just to start a conversation with an adult male – lol. Or email some stranger on POF – “Hey . . . ” Then when they respond, I flip the switch and become cold and distant – protecting myself. Ugh . . .

    I need to remove all electronic devices from my fingertips for a while . . . what would that be like, I wonder? To be completely isolated with no one to communicate with but myself – I wonder what i would learn about me? Scary thought ~

  298.  #298Smile on August 7, 2012 at 11:00 am

    This is useful to know. Im giving myself till November before I get on the Internet dating scene then I’ll be after more tips lol!

  299.  #299ReceivingGirl on August 7, 2012 at 11:07 am

    @134 Belle

    I feel so drained by the negativity. It might feel different if it wasn’t all the time. I might be able to laugh it off when it is one thing here or there, but constant is really trying. I just want to remove myself.

  300.  #300ReceivingGirl on August 7, 2012 at 11:24 am

    @157 Lilibee

    So, basically, he wanted to go to the party, but knew it would be a problem for you because said person would be there, so instead of discussing it, he lied so he could still go to the party without it causing a problem for you? But, in the end it backfired because you found him out?

  301.  #301Smile on August 7, 2012 at 11:41 am

    Something I’ve just got from bob grant.

    I felt it was timely

    3) A woman can heal your heart, like no other.

    A wife helps her husband access parts of his brain that he would have difficulty experiencing on his own. All those feelings she has and the need to know what he’s thinking may seem overwhelming at times, but they serve a purpose to help her man by stirring up feelings that have long been dormant. Over time this process makes a man calmer, more confident, happier, and content with his life. In addition, a wife’s compassion can bring more healing to a man’s heart than any amount of money or medicine.

  302.  #302Smile on August 7, 2012 at 11:42 am

    (((my bossy nature)))

  303.  #303Radlove on August 7, 2012 at 11:48 am

    Dancing Siren,

    286 – Yes, I want to do that and have had it mind to do it for a while. Rori suggested it to me originally.

    Right now, I have to focus on instant solutions: assistance and jobs.

    I saved your information in my home business file. Thanks!

  304.  #304ReceivingGirl on August 7, 2012 at 11:52 am

    Mr. Observant seems to be feeling some insecurities in regards to how I feel about him. He seems nervous that I don’t really want to be with him. I’m not sure where this is coming from.

    He tries to make “jokes”, such as, he said, “he is lucky to have me.” I said, “thank you :)” Then, he said, “I hope you feel lucky to have me too.” (I guess he had expected me to mirror his words.)

    So, I told him, “Do you remember what I told you the other day?” He said, “oh you mean when you said you love me?” I said, “What?” (I never said that, so I wasn’t sure how to respond to that.)

    He laughed and said he was just joking. So, I said, “don’t you remember what I said?” He said something else and I said, “I told you how you are good like that and I appreciate you.” He said, “yes and that feels good to hear.”

    He went on to say how I do nice little things for him. I said, “you do for me too.” I told him, “I’ve never before had a guy open the car door for me.” He said, “I’m happy to be the first one!”

    Do you ladies have any thoughts on this?

  305.  #305Calypso on August 7, 2012 at 11:59 am

    ReceivingGirl – It sounds like he is craving affirmations of your affection for him – he wants to hear how much you like and appreciate him. He’s feeling the need to hear the words from you.

    I dated a man a while ago who needed that ALL THE TIME! It got sort of exhausting for me. I realized that I needed to verbally express my appreciation for him more, but it never seemed to be enough for him.

    Maybe Mr Observant is just feeling a little insecure right now . . . wanting his ego stroked a little.

  306.  #306ruth on August 7, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    Receiving Girl, he is using feeling messages!!

  307.  #307Calypso on August 7, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    Dancing Siren – a few years ago when my life was really falling apart, I went to see a Psychiatrist. She was a brilliant woman and I respected her very much. After we got to know each other well enough for her to share some things with me, she told me this:

    “I can walk into a party and instantly tell you which man in the room is an alchoholic. Do you know how? He will be the one I’m attracted to . . . ”

    It turns out that her ex-husband was an alchoholic (So were both of my parents, which is why we were discussing it) and she was smart enough to know that she kept trying to return to the situation in which she felt “Comfortable” or at least “familiar”. The repeating of patterns is tough to break, even when you are aware of them, even when you are a strong, intelligent woman.

    Give yourself a break. You will be ok – one day at a time.

  308.  #308bloom-ing on August 7, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    everything gets done. it’s so true. it just does. it’s all fine. it just is.

  309.  #309ReceivingGirl on August 7, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    @304 Calypso

    That makes sense. I guess our love languages are different 🙂

    @305 Ruth – yes, he does use feeling messages sometimes. 🙂

  310.  #310Dancing Siren on August 7, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    Things I am going to do for me now.

    My tummy still feels in pain so I am not doing much.

    I am going to get my boxset of desperate housewives and watch some of that.

    When my Mum comes back I might have some chocolate and tea.

    And tomorrow I am going to get up, go to work and get my last 2 pub shifts done.


  311.  #311ReceivingGirl on August 7, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    @182 Linda

    I feel so happy reading your posts cause it seems like you are in a much better place. Yay for you! 🙂

  312.  #312ReceivingGirl on August 7, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    @219 Memulo

    I think you handled things well. He’s just having a hard time, so don’t take things personally right now. He’s feeling hopeless and all you can do is be there and be supportive the best that you can.

  313.  #313Iamabutterfly on August 7, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    I feel weird saying this, but it feels true. I feel better when I feel like the man is the stronger one in the man/Iamabutterfly interactions.

    It feels so icky when I feel stronger in ANY way.

    How do you feel about this, Sirens?

  314.  #314Rori Raye on August 7, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    Carrie – WElcome, you are brilliant – and this is just what Jonaton Aslay calls a NOT “commitment-ready man.” It’s just the way it is. AND 3-4 months is usually where this all shakes out – the guy who’s not ready runs away and regresses to immature behavior, creates a push-pull thing with you. BUT the guy who IS ready just keeps chugging along! He might get scared and back up for a bit, or ask for more time…and if you stay cool (Evan Marc Katz’s wife is the epitome of the woman who stayed cool and got what she wanted without any pressure at all) – he seals the deal.

    Some men want to be married, some men don’t. And many men think they want one thing, but, deep down, they don’t. Love is as weird for them as it is for us – just differently. I know your heart isn’t in CDing – but if you haven’t seen him in 2 months – you somehow have to “put him on the back of your horse” and move forward with your life. Love, Rori

  315.  #315Smile on August 7, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    Rori- 314

    Hmm I wonder, will he ever be ready? Or should carrie do no contact? He sounds like the kind of guy who will keep rearing his head? How should carrie respond I wonder when he makes contact again?


  316.  #316Smile on August 7, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    Wow I cheated on a commitment ready guy with a non comminttment ready guy, ouch!

    My feelings feel out of control tonight 🙁

  317.  #317bloom-ing on August 7, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    “I don’t see how this is a good move on the part of the Universe but whatever.”

    dancing siren, this makes me LOL & also feel teary at the same time : )) thanks

  318.  #318bloom-ing on August 7, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    i’m not stuck i’m in motion i just can’t tell because everything is changing so “relatively” the world feels still

  319.  #319bloom-ing on August 7, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    smile, i hear what you are saying.. but i don’t really “see” it that way…… you went on some casual dates with a second man while dating a first man exclusively…

    now you say one is one-way (commitment-ready) & one is the other way (not-commitment-ready) …. but how i’m seeing it is

    2 men who weren’t commitment-ready (did either one of them propose marriage with a date ?)

    & a premature commitment to “hold out” for the “ready(readier?)” man….. & a dissatisfaction with “waiting” – thus, you began casually dating

    i’m not seeing “cheating” clearly & i’m not seeing “one was ready, one wasn’t”…

    idk, what do you think?

  320.  #320ReceivingGirl on August 7, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    @313 Iama

    I feel that way in some areas. I like when a man is strong in situations and can handle things, but I also like a soft side of a man who can express himself (emotions, feelings, etc.) I feel good when a man can do that with me because to me it is a sign of comfort and trust.

  321.  #321Smile on August 7, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    319- blooming, I can’t begin to tell you how much you have eased my mind. Thank you. I get to a place where I think I’ve healed from this guilt and then from no where it plagues my brain again.

    I’m going to copy and paste your comment so that if the guilty feeling appears again I can calm the feeling back down again.

  322.  #322ruth on August 7, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    I do appreciate Rori coming on the blog each day
    I feel heard

    Still lurking and processing.Feeling vulnerable and unsure

  323.  #323bloom-ing on August 7, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    i’m feeling weird & off-balance………………………………. but also, it doesn’t affect me….. hm. curious.

    my man said Yes, he believes we should – essentially – “stxne” the Outsiders to preserve society.

    DARIA HELP. what in the world would you say to that ?

    then i expressed my feelings….. he said that i’m “that way” due to Education & Introspection & when i said, “Hm i’m hearing you say i should use my skills to conform to societal “norms” ?” he said YES. hmmmm….

    then he was saying, You didn’t grow up in a “traditional” home – it wouldn’t be fair to either of us for me to “expect that” of You….. so i asked, “mm tell me what it would look like for me to be perfectly Woman to you… i feel curious” & he just said again, “that wouldn’t be fair to you”

    well…. listen, buddy. i am a woman. “traditions” or nothing, i am a woman. i’m perfectly Woman already…..

    hm. suppose this calls for more talking.

    i did feel good talking to him, but at times i though “oh no i must run” – esp at the “stxning” the outliers (specifically i suggested “transexuals” as a good exemplar outlier…. but I WAS SAYING that actually an “outlier” gives the whole society a chance to examine & adjust “expectations”/”norms” )……… HM. i feel perplexed : ) & i love that word : ))

  324.  #324Smile on August 7, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    Ruth I appreciate you coming here each day 

  325.  #325ReceivingGirl on August 7, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    @297 Calypso

    Yes, no electronic devices to communicate would be a scary thought for me too!! 🙂

  326.  #326ruth on August 7, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    Smile I feel all choked up

    In a good way

    thank you

  327.  #327ReceivingGirl on August 7, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    (((Radlove))) I hope you find the money you need.

  328.  #328ruth on August 7, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    Blooming, Im a little triggered by what your man said

    its me, i know.But i have always felt a bit “outside” society (though on paper you would not see that)

    Room for everyone, isnt there?

    It feels scary to think that others might not think this way

  329.  #329Smile on August 7, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    313 lamabutterfly

    I was the stronger one with strumming man, this was my problem, I was too controlling. I was stronger in my mind and therefore wanted everything my way. I always had a better way to do something.

    With my ex of two years, he was the stronger one but in my immaturely I was still fighting fir control. I wasn’t comfortable All the time to let him pay, sometimes I would like to have paid.

    Now though I am here and have learnt so much, I would definitely want a man who could take the lead. I don’t want to be the leader, that wouldn’t feel good to me any more.

  330.  #330bloom-ing on August 7, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    ruth, me too. that’s what i shared with him…. HMMM feel super shaky like almost can’t type & feel “ill” like feverish-chills-nausea………….. HMMM yucky lol….

    funny though, i just asked a very Open-Minded man at my work the same questions & he said, yes, sacrifice the outsider as a community-strengthening ritual

    BUT he then said oh, i’m not really taking this seriously.

    feeling curious now to talk more with my man….. feeling off-kilter trying to “sort” between Sarcasm & Seriousness…. : ) i typed it “sarchasm” lol & it does make me feel “space-y” & separated when people communicate with “that kind” of “humor” : )

  331.  #331Smile on August 7, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    Blooming 323 this feels close to home for me. It makes me feel sad that people can think this way 🙁 I hope you can inspire him to change his views.

  332.  #332ruth on August 7, 2012 at 2:07 pm



    I feel apprehensive

  333.  #333Smile on August 7, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    Sometimes I think I’ve triggered people and people are ‘off’ with me, then I realise it was all in my head anyway. Like i feel ive mis interpreted peoples body language. I need to bring this back to me.

  334.  #334bloom-ing on August 7, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    i truly know that i Don’t Want to be with a man who considers me “less than” a Full Woman. i know that : )

  335.  #335ruth on August 7, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    333 Smile


    Me too

    It does feel powerful(if a bit scary) to realise that changing how we think can have such a profound effect on the world

  336.  #336ruth on August 7, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    Random post
    I do feel scared now

    I usually assume that people dont take much notice of what i say, and yet at work, this is disproved to me over and over again
    This is in my “masculine” energy as a doctor

    But when i feel, when I am in feminine energy, people DO react to me even more

    That feels scary

  337.  #337Daria on August 7, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    Blooming – ouch

    I’m ‘actively working’ on that too

    I’m the spiritual leader of the relationship

    But I am a Voodoo woman and want a man to worship me and also support my huge power

    I feel unsure and confused Abt if the man has to share my views consciously for that

    Rori says ‘religion’ is not a factor but this feels crucial to me as it affects my whole life and especially how I raise my children

    Btw I was brought up traditional

    I’m feeling tight in my tummy and I actually feel open to see how this heals and unfolds for me

    This feels powerfully important for me

    Blooming I …. Feel stuck… I’ve been wanting to write Rori Abt this

    I already exclude military and law emforcent men due to this… Unless they are open to shift


    It’s possible it wd not work for me w a man who doesn’t consciously support my spiritual vision

    That’s my woman heart dream

  338.  #338Daria on August 7, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    I’m sorry you’re put to this w a man you’re invested in 🙁

    This is one of my most feared blocks to love

    It feels Imperative that the energy and thought energy be supportive for me, I am a priestess and a healer and want support in sharing myself

    I am the tree, the root. I am the voodoo woman and around me life grows my family grows

    Thus us something i talk about w dates as always w stuff I’m working out… If our child will be gay etc

    It has come to my attention that respect amd acceptqnce for lgbt lifestyle and views is crucial to our health as humans

    Therefore a man who isn’t there yet might not be healthy enough for me


  339.  #339Daria on August 7, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    I feel so scared of this ‘dilemma’

    Do I pick one of these strong soldiers and ignore their beliefs may not be supportive of me

    Writing that I feel better

    If course not

    I attract w my heart and heart dream

    The man for me will feel pulled onto my heart pulled to support my work

    But isn’t ‘work in the wotld’ masculine?

    Bs that was a twist for confusion

    It’s me who feeds the world

    I am a voodoo woman

    I am here

    I deserve support

    I am a goddess, men come to support and worship and be healed and transformed

    Maybe I will choose one as I wish to experience marriage in this lifetime, but the most important is me, I am the tree

    I stand alone, I have multiple worshipped

    Am I to choose one that is a diff magic that is a powerful lock on my power!

    Oh my that does feel imperative he’s consciously on board

    What if he can support me without being consciously on board

    Won’t I feel lonely and sad not having my heart dream to share and be worshipped

    Or maybe any man can and will w my boundaries

    And am I a ‘leader’ spiritually? Hmmm


    I Am the spirit

    I set the tone the tempo …he comes close

    I don’t ‘lead him’ I unfold and allow to be seen

    As in ouch that feels like my heart dream is stabbed

    I want a man who worships nurtures and reveres my heart dream and u don’t want less

  340.  #340bloom-ing on August 7, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    thanks daria : ) i just asked myself, well is this a big enough deal to “leave” over & the answer was Yes…

    hmm, does feel curious…. i almost feel Sure that i must be misunderstanding him…. but i don’t Want to Ignore him if he’s telling me Who He Is – & i don’t want to “pretend” that i can Accept him. even if i can Accept him as a human from my highest self; i might not be able to accept him as a Partner from my “lowest” self & i need to make plans for her too ((((“low”self)))) because i love her & she’s part of me…

    WEIRD. was not “expecting” this… feels Perplexing : ) i really love that word….

    i feel so confused about how to begin speaking about this…… as i feel Taut about it – not Relaxed…..

    well Love is at the heart of it. children, queer kids : ) , all the humans – that’s why i want to “put my foot down”

    & i can stay or go – it doesn’t matter to my highest self : )

  341.  #341Calypso on August 7, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    I have been looking at my profile on POF and I really want to change it. I want to be one of those obnoxious people who just unloads on their profile and chases everyone away.

    It would go something like this:

    I will judge you on your looks and the way you smell and how tall you are. I will make you feel like I am hanging on your every word, but I’m not really listening. I’m wondering if you will be capable of making me forget my ex-lover. I’m wondering if you are a good kisser. I’m wondering how big you are (because yes, in fact, size does matter) and I’m wondering how long you can last in bed and if you will have the courage to take me, assuming I want you too, which I probably won’t . . .

    I have a 3 date rule and no one ever makes it to the 3rd date. I would break that rule if you were man enough . . .

    I will compare everything about you to my ex-lover and chances are, you will come up short because he is very tall . . . LOL – seriously, he is 6’6” and a Prison Guard – we are still very close friends and I would cheat on you with him in a heartbeat . . .

    No smokers . . . and no short men!!!

    Thanks for reading ~ please don’t contact me because I don’t really want to meet anyone new!

  342.  #342bloom-ing on August 7, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    yes, daria. i feel you.

    i want to be seen as “busy” if i’m sitting lost in thought – that is part of My Work.

    i want to be valued for my spins off into the fairy lands – I’m safe-keeper of the gates.

    i’m full of storms & silences – they’re my Weather, they’re my Ecosystem, I need the storm & the calm & they don’t hurt me or anyone else.

    i can be a Mother. be a Wife. cook, create beauty, help….

    but i don’t “hafta” be a chromosomal Normalcy to be Me. i don’t need to Prove anything or Do anything to be Acceptable & Wonderful

    i want to be the beating heart – i don’t want to feel quieted or constrained….

    hmmm……WEIRD & i feel scared but exhilarated…

  343.  #343ruth on August 7, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    I am not a man Calypso, but i find that profile refreshing and amusing

  344.  #344Daria on August 7, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    Rori says men are competitive and want to ‘work hard’

    Translate to Daria they want to be active and Do

    I feel so scared and confused… I wonder what Rori thinks?

    Thanks for showing me the huge block to love

    If he doesn’t have to think All women to be a princess and have doors opened

    Yet he treats me well and opens mine due to my requirements

    Is that human? Is that good enough

    Is it good enough that he sex me and children and feed me?

    That seems like all I ‘need’

    And yet do I Want more from a man?

    Do I require spiritual support? I feel unsure

    It sounds like it would feel lovely

    Here comes voice Abt I’m taking the masculine role (around support)Rpri said to look for a man who supports me

    Hmm this that social programming

    Of course I am a woman

    And I can keep revealing myself and things heal, even men

    Blooming – I believe this came up for you to share feelings and boundaries and therefore for your man to heal

    Ps there’s no ‘siciety’ that’s all propaganda

    We are all humans here w our families,

    We women are the tree the center and root of our family


    This feels scary


  345.  #345bloom-ing on August 7, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    dah i feel weird & embarrassed. it’s possible this is “all in my imagination”…… & i’m interpreting him through a black lens….. sigh. i forgive myself & i want to feel safe & happy, so i give myself permission to ask all the silly questions i like : ) yayyy it’s ok : )

  346.  #346Daria on August 7, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    Wow Calypso that feels so fun!

  347.  #347Calypso on August 7, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    Ruth ~ Thanks!

    I have quite amused myself and I feel silly and liberated and somehow, less annoyed with myself and all the men in the world…

  348.  #348ruth on August 7, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    A man being “active and do”


    that seems right

  349.  #349ruth on August 7, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    Hope it is ok to be a woman without a family

    Ugh, trigger
    i am not a bad person for not wanting children

    I am still a woman

  350.  #350bloom-ing on August 7, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    daria, thank you. i feel open to talking & connecting with him…. i feel confused…. i’m “almost sure” that he is…… What I Want – so i feel confused why he would Hold Opinions that make me feel such terror.

    but i am strong & the winds show me how strong.

  351.  #351Daria on August 7, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    Blooming – this is bringing up to see where you’re judging Yourself, where you feel unworthy at

    How would a powerful voodoo woman speak to a man here? Hmmm

    I’m feeling scared. Healing and acceptance of all humans feels vital to me, it feels powerfully part of me like I am birthing it through my heart

    And I’m feeling threatened I’m feeling closed off w these words and energy

    I forgive all for diseased thoughts and I don’t want to be around that

    I feel better honoring nature all beings and myself and I don’t want to feel unsupported


    I feel glad I just read The Underground History of American Education for more revelations about being human and the ‘disease’ of ‘society as a concept’ ‘sacrifice’ and ‘

    Did u know normal came from the bell curve which came about w ‘Rationalism’ and its applied to humans as machines

    Yet we are all unique we are not on a linear spectrum

    The bell curve – and normalcy – doesn’t feel good to apply to humans,- it’s for standardizing and controlling

    I am freedom

  352.  #352Daria on August 7, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    Ruth – of course you are a powerful tree and many can gather around you to heal

    Whether you choose to fruit more trees doesn’t change your tree-ness or healing power

  353.  #353Daria on August 7, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    Ruth – of course you are a powerful tree and many can gather around you to heal

    Whether you choose to fruit more trees or not … you’re a tree w healing power

  354.  #354Daria on August 7, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    I f’ound out that it was the very act of giving the responsibility for my little girl’s needs to anyone else that was causing all the pain, not what he was doing or not doing.’

  355.  #355Starla on August 7, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    I feel excited
    This shift feels good
    I rockstar’d and invited a CD to see a concert with me. I bought the tickets when he said yes.
    I picked the CD who would make the best concert companion:)
    He said he would gladly escort me to any concert. Awww.

  356.  #356Daria on August 7, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    Lama – woitts feels intriguing to me.

    it sounds like u felt unconfortable asking for support or being seen as desiring to be attractive

    So the ‘beat myself up’ in order to not stand out as saying:

    I’m cute

    And also

    I want to be told I’m cute.

    Hats ‘so jnappeppriate’. Riffing to myself now

    I should Not ask other people to validate me

    That is


    It would feel so good to have people tell me I look good!

    But that I’d inappropriate ! You shouldn’t focus on looking good!

    U sound shallow and vain

    Looking good and feeling invested in it is shallow and also leads to pain

    Worshipping my body beauty leads to pain (later, when I’m no longer beautiful)

    Wow I’m do glad I’m seeing this!

    I’m Akways beautiful!

    Worshipping my body is wise and a gift to me… A way of healing and creating!

    Wow thank you this feels exciting

    I don’t want people to see me standing in my power or feeling good about being beautiful

    They will judge me,

    I feel scared

    I judge myself!

    Get over yourself!

    Don’t pay so much attention worship and reverence to yourself,

    Or beauty ESP not Your beauty

    Beauty is feeling and deceitful remember?

    I’m shifting this belief now

    I haven’t seen this in my life

    When that feels relieving



    Wow feeling stirred w anger

    So many stories Abt ‘beauty on the outside ugly on the inside’

    Everyone know that!

    How disempowering for me to consider myself beautiful, now always questioning if I’m ugly inside or if he loves me for outside

    And forgetting I am one outside inside it’s the same me and that’s not something to ‘worry’ or consider it doesn’t even make sense it’s

    Not real

    There no such thing yay

    Healing me!

    That helped promote ‘beauty on the ivside’ ie caring for others and not self

    Cuz anyone who cares for self Will present as beautiful

    Wow I feel overwhelmed scared and so glad I’m seeing and healing this

  357.  #357Starla on August 7, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    I have these men scrambling for my time and booking me up for weeks out. They’re booking me for 4th and 5th dates, hehe, it feels so cute. And a little overwhelming.

    This feels so different from wondering when the next time they’ll make plans with me is going to be.

    It feels so much easier.

    I feel super wanted and desired and valued.

    I LOVE that it now feels like no big deal at all to buy some concert tickets and invite a guy to go with me. Because I am circular dating so well, that there is no neediness or expectation. I just wanna party.

  358.  #358Daria on August 7, 2012 at 3:46 pm

    No wonder men like my beauty it is how much I care for self it’s my love for me!

    No wonder I always look beautiful yet sometimes I can look at myself critically w heart shit and all I see is a human,

    A human who looks like a bummy homeless woman actually

    I want to heal this archetype of ‘bummy’ that I have

    Frequently I assume people who see me by myself assume I’m homeless

  359.  #359Turquoise on August 7, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    Hi sirens~ I’m soooo excited to share, my website is ready! There will still be tweaks and updates, but it’s sharable now! 🙂 Please check it out and let me know what you think!


  360.  #360Daria on August 7, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    The archetype is a representing of my fear that I will be treated badly by people

    Ie imprisoned

    I want to heal this imprisonment thing

    I don’t want to be imprisoned!

    I don’t want to feel afraid of that

    I don’t want to live around people who would imprison me!

    That feels stressful!


    I want to heal this

    I wonder if this is about bring put in my room by myself when I was young and parents were upset

  361.  #361Butterfly wings on August 7, 2012 at 3:58 pm

    Turquoise!! It’s so pretty! Congrats!


  362.  #362LiliBee on August 7, 2012 at 3:59 pm


    Wow Turquoise!

    I checked out your website. The pix are awesome!

    I feel amazement at what you can make.

    I can’t believe that you’re the same Turquoise as last winter.
    You have come such a long way.
    Projects and cd’ing.
    I feel really touched to see a siren spread her wings like you are doing.
    I am impressed.

  363.  #363Daria on August 7, 2012 at 4:01 pm

    A traumatized PTSD human isn’t ‘broken’

    Thers healing and Gift in every trauma, just like in mine

    There Growth in there

    I feel scared, I feel disconnected from my vision that had prompted this post

    Yes I do not just ‘change back’ I grow more

    In Every trauma there aims a gift and healing, evenin murder and rape I’ve seen that before

    I used to hold the belief that once someone’s fuchkrd up, they’re fuchkrd up…

    That was a romaniAn classic and I’m choosing to heal this

    Heal my suffering and desperation of

    ‘it’s too late now’

    ‘things won’t chAnge’

    That means my kidney system is stronger and so is my left arm after the break, it’s healing and becoming More powerful now

    Disease doesn’t permanently debilitate me, it helps me grow

    It helps me see, focus, be aware

    Thank you!

  364.  #364Butterfly wings on August 7, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    The mirror thing got me thinking yesterday, so I asked TH if I came across as cold and closed to him. This is how I’ve been feeling about him, so I wondered if this was the mirror.

    His response: “Most of the time”.

    Yeouch!!! Ok. That’s interesting. And it’s obviously something I need to take a very close look at…

  365.  #365Daria on August 7, 2012 at 4:04 pm


    I. Felt powerless —>. I am powerless

    I want to heal this

    Tell me more D

  366.  #366Daria on August 7, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    I lost sight of how i had ‘healed’ that trauma and the vision of healing in it.. Where was my healing

    I feel sad

    And desperate

    It would feel great to see it and have it available again thank you!

  367.  #367Dancing Siren on August 7, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    Feeling tired, and a bit scared, for no apparent reason.

    But I will be fine.

    More than fine.

    I intend to be positive.

    And you know what. Amazing things can and will happen for me.

    Cus I am ready to be open to that possibility.

  368.  #368Daria on August 7, 2012 at 4:16 pm

    Wow Turquoise the website feels so elegant

  369.  #369Rebecca on August 7, 2012 at 4:17 pm

    A weird thing happened to me tonight. I was out with some female friends and one of the girls brought her sister along. This sister was lovely, but she was so over shadowed by her sister, you felt no-one noticed her and this made me feel really sad. She was so lovely but she sort of sunk into the background with the other girls looks and personality… And then I realised she reminded me of ME!!!! its weird how some people shine, and some don’t…

    Men never ask me out. Well NOT good men… When iiissss this gonna happen for me… Will I always blend into the background?? Will I always be the one men NEVER notice…. Sob…. It feels like it… Sob I feel plain, boring anf unnattractive… Sob… ((((((me)))))))

  370.  #370Daria on August 7, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    Yay Starla about the dates ahead

  371.  #371LiliBee on August 7, 2012 at 4:19 pm


    Oh RG! You got it so well!

    I have zero tolerance for lying and manipulating.

    Another issue was that he had promised me that we would spend the evening alone together.

    At 7pm, he said he would eat and come home right after…it took him 3 hours to eat, and it’s only a 5 minute drive away.

    I felt so unimportant, coz I had been delivering great FMs about spending time alone together for a couple of weeks already.

    I lost patience with being kept waiting on the shelf.

    I broke up with him.
    Now I feel bad, like I acted too hastily.
    My cd’ing and going out on my own to have fun was getting his attention…and I just blasted it all away out of angry impatience.

    I really lost control of my emotions.

  372.  #372FlowerChild77 on August 7, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    Turquoise!! 🙂

    Your website is beautiful! Something to be very proud of. Do you have someone help you when you get really large orders?

    I find myself craving chocolate now! And I’m trying my best to lose more weight, so the only chocolate I’m allowing myself is the FiberOne 90 calorie brownies. A VERY poor substitute after seeing the delicious treats on your website 😉

    Congratulations and good luck!

  373.  #373Belle on August 7, 2012 at 4:21 pm


    My experience of trauma is that it’s a memory begging for love.

    I felt traumatized by my infant son’s death for over 2 decades. For 23 years I would see the image of my baby’s still body, over and over and over again. Hundreds of times a day I would beat myself up with it. Sometimes I would leave my desk to cry in the bathroom, or wail and cry over it for hours on end, many many years after it happened.

    I was stuck forever in that one moment, looking at him, while I looked on in horror and shock. One day, something changed and at first I saw myself standing behind myself holding me. Then later I could see me kissing myself and telling me it was alright, it was perfect, and it’s not happening anymore. A few weeks later, I could see the memory as a picture in my mind I would kiss, gentle babysoft compassionate kisses. More and more whenever that memory would come up, I would kiss it and love it and feel compassion instead of horror and sorrow.

    Just a few weeks ago, when lot of traumatic memories got unstuck, I saw my baby crawl up to me and hug me and tell me he’s okay, and I felt something release, deep down in my soul. Is he? I don’t know, I don’t claim to know what happens after we die. The point for me is, that the energy trapped in that one moment in my mind was flowing again. My imagination shook loose from it’s shackles to the past. I was able to love that moment and get the love flowing again.

    My baby only died once, but in my mind he died a hundred million times. It was either allow myself to love the pictures in my head or be stuck there forever. It’s not happening anymore. It doesn’t mean he wasn’t important to me, it doesn’t mean it wasn’t devastating, it only means I’m willing to love and let go of the past so I can be more present to the NOW.

  374.  #374Daria on August 7, 2012 at 4:22 pm

    Man… Hmm his competitiveness is what wets my curiosity to this exclusive thing, this marriage


    If he can make it happen and have the strength of 10men. 1 million men

    Billions of men

    Yeah ok well I’m here being the tree and he can make it happen

  375.  #375Butterfly wings on August 7, 2012 at 4:30 pm

    Oh (((Belle)))!!! I just want to hug you right now. How awful for you! I’ve often wondered how one can get over something so traumatic as losing a child. xxxxx

  376.  #376Rebecca on August 7, 2012 at 4:34 pm

    When will men notice me? I watch all my friends attract the nice men, and it never seems to happen to me… I get all the waifs and strays… What can I learn from this? Hmmm…

  377.  #377Daria on August 7, 2012 at 4:35 pm


    Thank you for sharing

    I feel inspired to heal myself

  378.  #378Rebecca on August 7, 2012 at 4:37 pm


  379.  #379Daria on August 7, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    I know it got inspired from the fear that one man might die, more maybe

    I do t want to Get thrown off my energy

    I feel weaker without my man

    The soul energy balance is more important

    I will be aware and be feminine

    I feel frustrated still not seeing the vision unjust saw of healing of the trauma from that movie scene where the man got raped

    Look u can still do and give no matter what has shown

    It is ur strength intrinsic and no it’s not in the competition, is it?

    I feel confused

    U ‘lost’ that competition u think when u got raped

    And yr gifts and acts are still worthy

    U can become a man anytime by giving and acting

    Ur power is in the consistency not the intensity



    I feel more soothed

  380.  #380FlowerChild77 on August 7, 2012 at 4:44 pm


    I’m sorry you’re feeling out of control. I wouldn’t like feeling ‘unimportant’ and left ‘on the shelf’ either. I’m sure the other Sirens have given you good advice around this. I would feel as though spending time alone with me just isn’t important to him 🙁

    I’m thinking I remember this to be a pattern of behavior he has with you…? The man’s job is to do what he does. Our job is to decide if that’s what we want <3

  381.  #381Daria on August 7, 2012 at 4:45 pm

    I’m the trauma is the secret power of You and I Feel it just now

    The jewel

  382.  #382FlowerChild77 on August 7, 2012 at 4:47 pm

    (((((Belle))))) <3

  383.  #383Francesca on August 7, 2012 at 4:47 pm

    bloom-ing @308

    “everything gets done. it’s so true. it just does. it’s all fine. it just is.”

    I want to believe that so much.

    I intend to believe that.

    And I want to believe that it will get done to near perfection too.

    I just hope I’m not setting myself up for disappointment.

  384.  #384Francesca on August 7, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    I want to win the lottery on Friday night.


    Can I, Universe?

    Thank you.

  385.  #385Daria on August 7, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    In the trauma is the secret power of me

    If I can’t see it, that is ‘good’ a sign of huge healing

  386.  #386Butterfly wings on August 7, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    TH has emailed me, asking me to go to the gym with him tonight.

    I was going to say no, but I changed my mind. I’m going to give this one last chance, and that way I won’t ever look back with any regrets…

    I’m unsure about whether I’m doing the right thing, but I’m giving it one month then will reassess from there.

    I’ll just stay focused on the little things I am doing for me now and in the future.

    How amazing would it feel to be happy and carefree!!!???

  387.  #387Daria on August 7, 2012 at 4:56 pm

    I love my magical amygdala

    I love my hormones

    I an psychic especially on days I don’t drink tap water

    Vienna has glacial water on tap, I wonder if it fluoridated hmm

    It feels pleasant

    I’m feeling intense now I love you intensity

    I love my intensity

  388.  #388Francesca on August 7, 2012 at 4:59 pm

    Calypso @341

    I love that!

    Super funny! 😀

  389.  #389LiliBee on August 7, 2012 at 5:09 pm


    Thank You FC77.

    I wonder: Do I pick the wrong ones, or am I just uninspiring?

  390.  #390Francesca on August 7, 2012 at 5:10 pm


    Congrats on your website, it’s looking good and making my mouth water!

    I just love chocolate, especially dark chocolate!


  391.  #391Daria on August 7, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    ‘I was going to say no, but I changed my mind. I’m going to give this one last chance, and that way I won’t ever look back with any regrets…

    I’m unsure about whether I’m doing the right thing, but I’m giving it one month then will reassess from there.’

    This feels scary. I feel dissapointed and mistrustful.

    And sad 🙁

    I feel powerless

    I feel chest achy

    I said ‘what did this show up for me to learn’

    And i felt my brain release

    I feel guilt for having had tight brain. ‘this is the wrong approach’ brain

    I feel scared

    I feel mistrustful

    I feel angry

    This feels terrible

    I want to see women honoring themselves, getting taken out on dates, growing in empowerment.

    This seems like putting a hex on intentions ‘give it one last try’

    This is me looking for something I don’t really want to find

    If I expect not to find I won’t

    This feels so challenging for me to shift this thinking pattern

    I feel sad too

    Timmy twisted up

    I feel Like yelling

    Back of mu head and up to teeth squeezing

    I feel powerless

    Angry desperate


    Controlling intense and hot tight

    I wonder what this showed up to heal

    Ok D

    What was I looking for and how?

    What if I look for healing and empowered women instead of w fear for things I can fear and criticize …

    I’m sure this will eventually shift to healing

    I feel unsafe and unacceptrd

    I feel tense and flat

    I feel judged

    I judge myself as too waky boisterous and out there
    Too weird and demanding, too strange

    And also

    Not to be taken seriously

    Not to be heard and listened to

    That felt bad

    And writing this is feeling better

    I judge myself as too weird too spiritual too ‘disconnected from ‘reality’

    ‘hangs out w dangerous’ people

    Hush hide ur children

    That woman is weird and we can judge ignore dismiss her

    She doesn’t ‘get’ us

    I feel tight in mu chest

    This feels unconfortable
    I want to heal this

  392.  #392Butterfly wings on August 7, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    I also need to get my stuff back from his house. So I’d have to go there and see him anyway.

    And I just read up on some info on depression. It’s all through my family and now I believe I’m depressed. Going to get some help today. Work offers a free counseling program…

  393.  #393LiliBee on August 7, 2012 at 5:13 pm


    Oh ((( BW ))),

    I know how you feel.
    D invited me to go back to Vegas in October.

    I feel regrettful of my outburst.
    I don’t feel regretful of the feelings I had, just the way I expressed them and having been so impulsively.

  394.  #394Francesca on August 7, 2012 at 5:14 pm


  395.  #395Daria on August 7, 2012 at 5:16 pm

    Lilibee – my pattern noticing has been that:

    u pick the wrong (one)


    And also blame shame and abuse

    Sounds like me

    True CDing for therapy has been helping me take huge steps

    I haven’t hit a man since 05

  396.  #396CurvySiren10 on August 7, 2012 at 5:17 pm

    Love your site Turquoise! 🙂 It’s very tastefully done, lol. Pun intended I suppose. Really lovely & feminine … all the best with it!

  397.  #397Francesca on August 7, 2012 at 5:20 pm


    I think that as long as you go without any expectations, only because you want to for yourself, then it could turn out alright for both of you.

    There really is no need for hate or resentment, just understanding.

    As in “be curious, not judgemental”, you know?

  398.  #398Vi on August 7, 2012 at 5:20 pm

    “If he doesn’t have to think All women to be a princess and have doors opened
    Yet he treats me well and opens mine due to my requirements” .. Ouch that’s MY question….

    i am just a girl venting here … when such happens i usually feel good when i say “i feel so connected to everything that surrounds me and i feel sad / csared to hear that’ … and then i think i can live with a man who has ‘warrior’ – methods of ‘solving’ things … it just feels ‘masculine’ to me … ‘action’ – like .. ‘do’-like .. and it feels okay … i feel afraid to write that actually …. And … it feels okay to me to know some other magic ways … i know i can just be .. and melt … and observe… and everything will be taken care of … and i know love .. compassion .. acceptance .. sometimes i feel like i could live with ANY man .. and i feel so scared of that too .. and i think of this as ” bad” .. i ‘must’ hate at least something … i feel scared of my ‘good’ feelings … they judge so much it’s so common everyone do that and and i judge myself for believing there is a higher reason and healing in everything that’s happenning … and it would be too simple to stamp everything with a ‘good’ (red color) or ‘bad’ (blue color) stamps .. the stamp does not suppose feelings .. = doesn’t suppose anger / scare / curiosity … doesn’t suppose healing .. it fells like ‘closure’ and is final and tightly packed in thick plastic and labelled with a tag price .. And that’s how the word ‘marriage’ feels to me .. my chest feels tight .. i have a feeling that i am wrapped in this ‘pack’ … why have i wrapped myself in this pack? … there were several men worshipping me .. and i run away and wrapped myself in ‘marriage’ with a man i felt chemistry with and not much of spiritual connection .. that’s why … they worshipped me … and i didn’t worship myself… and i was put back to the ‘start’ – so i could learn … to worship myself and make spiritual connection …. sign .. i choose to think ‘ those men showed me where i would like to be one day and feel comfortable with .. that i want to find my healing .. ‘ and my choice was not ‘marriage’ but ‘expansion’ of myself …. curiosity .. and healing ‘ … and i had to find my ‘nursery’ where i could develop .. sigh .. When ‘dating’ i wanted men to be healed .. when ‘married’ i want ME to be healed .. that is my path … this is my way …. i expected social label to be a quality mark for a relationship …. it was not … and thanks goodness i took this label seriously – i started to look for ways to heal me and my relationship …. !! huh i just made peace with my way … it feels relieving … and healing .. and i want to grow and develop so one day i would come out of my ‘eggshell’ …. would grow out of these safe feeling ‘packs’ …. baby steps .. i want the process to be gentle .. and smooth … :-))))) thank you.

  399.  #399Daria on August 7, 2012 at 5:22 pm

    Lilibelle – sorry my post was a sham

    The truth was my intentions were to encourage you to CD truly, and not to blame

    I’m realizing tho it seems quite diff situationally , this is what I want to do for me: cd truly and not blame

    Also I find blaming comm keeps me stuck and in a toxic dynamic w a man, as I go to guilt etc

    Not shaming and real walk away boundaries don’t feel like that after… It just fades away

  400.  #400Butterfly wings on August 7, 2012 at 5:23 pm

    Curious. Yes. I like that Francesca.
    Thank you

  401.  #401Daria on August 7, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    I’m Feeling judgemental. Of myself, everything.

    This is a feeling I often have

    It’s in my head and now I’m thinking it’s amygdala releasing some hormones

    I feel open to learning and healing

  402.  #402Turquoise on August 7, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    Thanks everyone! I’m been tinkering with this for years, feels good to stop just talking about something and take action, to be accountable to others… I feel in control, I like that.

    Lillebee… I know, can’t believe how much I’ve grown in a year and a half. I’m impressed with myself lol. When I first came here I had so much clutter, mental, emotional, physical… and I’ve cleared 90% of that away. I’ve made room for new things to show up. I feel happy 🙂

    Flowerchild, I’ve done most of my craft shows with my sister, so that helps a lot. So far I’ve been able to handle all my sales myself. Hoping now to get larger orders, for businesses, etc. so I may need to hire someone, or cut back on my hours at work if it’s profitable enough. I REALLY want a new car, so that’s my motivation to make this work!

  403.  #403Butterfly wings on August 7, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    LiliBee – I regret my outbursts too. And now I’m beginning to understand why I have been acting the way I am. Ick.

    Depression is one of the side effects of the BCP I was taking too. And my hair continues to fall out… 🙁

  404.  #404Daria on August 7, 2012 at 5:28 pm

    Sadness feels like it melts me all through

    Mmm that feels good
    Min muscle testing I bet my muscles are softening all through

    Polarity reversal hmm

    I love myself and sadness

    Now I feel smily and strong

    Hmm 🙂 I fee Embarassed. Bit more melty

    Sigh I feel smile

    I feel delighted w my new awareness

  405.  #405Dominique on August 7, 2012 at 5:35 pm

    Ruth – #349 – Yes you are still very much a woman with or without children. I knew from a very young age, under ten, that I would never, ever want children, and I still feel this way. And I attracted a man who feels the same.


  406.  #406Francesca on August 7, 2012 at 5:42 pm

    Dominique @405

    It feels good to know I’m not the only one feeling that way about having children.

    My man doesn’t want children either, so it’s all good on that front.

    I still feel like a woman even though I will never have any.

  407.  #407Daria on August 7, 2012 at 5:44 pm

    For Bc detox – id eat lots of seaweed to help me release the hormones Reeealy gently and soothe my emotions

    Red clover tea would feel great too… And maybe some liver support (I feel depressed when my liver is sluggish like if I’m detoxing as i would be off BC)

    Also, personally I might feel too curious not to go the gum tonite … If I had no date

    Im noticing I get a whole lot better treatment from men if I require formal dates… Even from men I’d been involved with in a gf bf way

    I felt silly as I used to take pride in not being romantic and just being ‘down to earth’ and ‘homey’

    Dating tho has stated showing me that formal saying feels way better… And requiring that formality spills over into how I’m treated in between dates too – as in … Good.

    I would require formal dates for this man to see me again

    I might actually not even go the gym, I’d I got a self esteem boost somehow

    Wow I notice a pattern for me – ‘if I feel a bit better, I won’t overfunction and accept less than, but now that I’m feeling crappy might as well’

    I want to shift this!

    Wow I’m so seeing this in my behavior and I feel thrilled!

    No feeling lonely or bad is Not a time to accept less than!

    That Wpnt feel good, and I’d it does like a fix, i will just keep stick in this loop

    Im on a loops of same day meetings and dates.

    I want to go back to planning ahead 2 days, but I’m afraid they’ll be no men who do that I feel good with


    Well if I have that boundary I will screen for them and it will feel good and they’ll come out the woodwork

    Just like guys bring the chivalrous behavior out the woodwork, but if I overfunction or offer to pay they switch into a whole other gear as a girl to kick it


  408.  #408Vi on August 7, 2012 at 5:45 pm

    I don’t feel excited about having children either. But my man wants .. and sometimes i feel generous enough to make him such a present one day … idk … maybe one day i feel curious enough to experience that … maybe not : )

  409.  #409Daria on August 7, 2012 at 5:48 pm

    Dominique – i feel curious about this children thing

    Why do u think you don’t want them? What is that knowing like

    This feels fascinating to me I believe spirit guides me and us in how we feel about this and I wonder

    What someone who doesn’t want children experiences it like

  410.  #410Daria on August 7, 2012 at 5:56 pm


    and wrapped myself in ‘marriage’ with a man i felt chemistry with and not much of spiritual connection .. that’s why … they worshipped me … and i didn’t worship myself… and i was put back to the ‘start’ – so i could learn … to worship myself and make spiritual connection ….

    This feels inspiring

    Me too I see. I’m back to start w my street family as I was not valuing myself enough and they ‘had’ to fall away I see that

    I intend to value muself in a community

    Ouch that feels so scary

    Look what happened w Guywho

    I grew to love myself huge lake when wat I had from him was one small spring

    It was worth it oh so

    And this growth is tooioooo surrender
    Horse is taking me to the good stuff

  411.  #411Francesca on August 7, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    Vi @398

    “i choose to think ‘ those men showed me where i would like to be one day and feel comfortable with .. that i want to find my healing .. ‘”

    Vi, I like that very much. I can relate to that.

    That’s what I’m aiming for, healing.

  412.  #412Francesca on August 7, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    And feeling comfortable enough to express myself without judging or blaming.

  413.  #413Daria on August 7, 2012 at 6:14 pm

    If I just open up and let them all in one man will crowd the others out

    They don’t want multiples, will I choose one ?

    And if I don’t want to choose one of you?

    I don’t and we keep doing this

    But if choose one we could go deeper?

    I feel confused

    I do want to experience this marriage though

    I want to experience the pairing

    It feels sweet I feel compelled

    I feel scared

    It Feels good.
    I feel confused

    And it feels good…

  414.  #414Vi on August 7, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    Thank you girls. i feel thrilled and tickle in my chest to see your responses. I feel giggly and good : ) i feel connected!

  415.  #415Radlove on August 7, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    With all this R stuff for 3 years, I feel like I have been like a car with an engine that is firing on one cylinder. I feel perpetually preoccupied with this, and I am not functioning well in other areas of my life. I wonder if I need to be on disability for a while?

    There, I said it.

  416.  #416` on August 7, 2012 at 6:32 pm

    To top everything else off, my pregnant cat broke her water yesterday morning, and still no kittens have been born. Apparently a kitten is stuck and I have no money to take her to a vet. Two pieces of afterbirth came out. Since then, she is eating, purring, and being kind of needy, staying close to me a lot. I am pretty sure a kitten is stuck. I have no income and no way to take her to a vet.

  417.  #417LiliBee on August 7, 2012 at 6:45 pm


    Me too Francesca.

    I decided only at age 39.
    Since then, I’ve dated 2 men and they both happened to have had vasectomies.

    I’ve been feeling really fine with it for 3 years now.

  418.  #418Francesca on August 7, 2012 at 6:46 pm


    The answer is sometimes in the question.

  419.  #419Linda on August 7, 2012 at 6:46 pm

    341… Calypso YOU.. are so clever. I LOVED IT! I am going to keep copy and paste it in a file.

    There are days that I just feel like a huge smart a*s !!
    inside. I have certainly felt approached by men like this tape in his head adjusted to fit a female of course.

    Sending you a “right on girlfriend” LOL

  420.  #420Miss Bells on August 7, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    HS is starting to engage with me on a more authentic level.
    Today I told him what it was like to be me for the past 5 years. I said part of it was bad communication. He said-“what–do you want me to apologize for all of that” I touched his hand and said–“no–I just want you to hear my feelings”
    Later I said “OK I’ll admit that part of the bad communication was on my side. I made mistakes to.”
    He really reacted to that.
    Then–i found a car i wanted to see.
    I asked him to take me.
    “Cause I need a MAN with me when I look at cars”
    We got lost getting there but he didn’t yell. The car was Funnnnkky!
    On the way home he lectured me about spending as much as I could and getting something nice.
    I said I felt worried about doing that. He said “i am in charge of worry–anger–and resentment.” I asked what I got-he said you are in charge of joy, love, things like that.
    Later–After his nap–I told him I had decided to take his advice. And asked him to take me to a much nicer more expensive car.
    I have first dibs on the second car we saw, if all goes well I’m buying it.
    And I could SEE the effect of “taking his advice.”
    I am beginning to believe that whatever he says–this is not dead.
    He is just carrying a LOT of anger. Rori says that anger will kill sex and make a man THINK he has fallen out of love.
    I want to stay and use ALL the tools for a time and see what happens.
    If it doesn’t work I will be clear.
    If it does we have a chance to begin again.

  421.  #421Lily Medusa on August 7, 2012 at 6:56 pm

    I am feeling a deep current swirling in my core and welling up through my chest and throat. The things I have read here today have moved me so much. Special thanks to Daria. Several of your posts brought tears to my eyes.

    I want to open myself and feel and express everything. I want to love me and heal me.

    I hereby express my intention to release everything I have held onto that no longer serves me.

    I hereby express my expectation that I will receive all good things from God and Life. I am ready to receive now.

    Thank You.

  422.  #422Belle on August 7, 2012 at 6:59 pm

    “When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. We weep in sorrow because we have known peace and laughter and joy. We weep because we have known the delight of love. Without that common and miraculous gift, we could know nothing of sorrow. If we long to revel in the pleasure of joy, we must keep our hearts open to the pain of sorrow, for your joy is your sorrow unmasked…The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.”

    – Kahlil Gibran

    The way to get over any loss, is first ACCEPT it.
    Once I could finally accept it, I could then feel all of the deep feelings of loss instead of the familiar and repetitive painful feelings of punishment, and depression. This also started happening once I had decided I had enough of pot, synthetic pot, alcohol, and psychedelics (sugar has been the last to go and is falling away naturally lately). I wanted to know what I was medicating, what I was anesthetizing. I felt shocked to realize that story and those images had been running through my mind unconsciously for so long. I knew, but I didn’t.

    One morning I woke up and instead of trying to wish it had never happened and blame myself and go through a thousand “if-only’s”, something different happened.
    For the first time every, the thoughts shifted to, “It happened and it was perfect and it couldn’t possibly have been any other way.”
    I felt the way I imagine Helen Keller felt the day she finally associated the fingerspelling in one hand with the water pouring over the other. I felt like..whoa…I am ON to something here…

    I started doing EFT. “I can accept this and it was perfect and everything I did was the right thing and he lived exactly as long as he was supposed to live, not second more or less and nothing could possibly have been any different. It had to happen exactly the way it did, how do I know? Because it did.”

    For maybe 30 minutes, I felt the usual pain and grief and sorrow and also…something new. Did I dare to allow myself to feel good, after such a terrible loss? It happened so tragically, as a result of me being extremely vulnerable, isolated and in an abusive situation. I was 17 at the time.

    That was the beginning, and that was just under 2 years ago (so my timing is a bit off, it was after 22 years). Not that long ago I had a massage and the therapist touched a pocket in my belly that felt like it put me right back on the scene, right in the middle of all of the stark raving terror I felt then, I mean, I was THERE. She slowly moved it up toward my heart and at first I was sobbing, then laughing and giggling and BLISSED! So blissed and relaxed I literally drooled.

    I feel so motivated by love.
    Daria, it feels so good to inspire others!
    It feels so good to heal!
    I felt excited when I read, “In the trauma is the secret power of me.” Yes, yes yes!!

    I will never ever ever tell the story that I am scarred for life, devastated forever, damaged goods, permanently damaged, that the pain was so monumental that it will never heal. Love is the great healer. ((Butterflywings)) I am so very grateful for my experience! Truth!

    I saw myself in Iamabutterfly’s post: ” I didn’t know how to handle it, and when I asked around for advice, no one seemed to understand or care as much as I did. There were no solid, definitive answers. I felt unheard and I felt not believed. and I felt grief, sorrow, and anger, and it was like there was no one around who could understand or validate all the scary feelings I was feelings. I had never felt such intense feelings, and it was like no one understood them or knew how to help me.”

    I sincerely feel so much gratitude. It’s certainly not a pleasant thing to have gone through (and it’s certainly not the only traumatic experience I’ve had. But I feel the exquisitely gentle, immensely powerful strength gained from it and I feel a deep appreciation for it.

    I feel gratitude and appreciation for my ability to survive.
    I feel humbled by the love that has always always guided me, though I couldn’t see it at the time.

    I feel like tempered steel.

    I feel a smile spread across my face and my heart and chest open as I imagine who I’m calling into my life now. I’ve heard it said that once we find the right One then we finally understand why nobody really worked about before that and I’m feeling ready for not just “him”, but the community and friendships and connections and synergy I know is possible.

    So much energy has been freed up by clearing the trauma (FORGIVING!) that I have been writing and writing and writing so much that I haven’t yet set up a blog! So by this weekend…I feel the creative juices flowing.

    It FEELS SO GOOD to be focused on my own life and not wrapped up in “trying” to get a man.
    I feel free
    I feel lighter
    I feel soft
    I feel some stiffness in my neck, ha! Time to get off the computer and stretch.

    My deepest wounds have been my greatest teachers.

  423.  #423Dancing Siren on August 7, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    Can’t sleep.

    Well, I DON’T regret being impulsive, and acting on my emotions in this case.

    Sometimes it actually needs to happen.

    I intend to have no regrets.

    Would feel good to get sleepy though.

  424.  #424LiliBee on August 7, 2012 at 7:04 pm


    Thank You Daria.

    I was doing that, went away to have my own fun without him for 2 weekends and CD’d while I did.

    It drew him in.

    About feeling judgemental…I felt very judgemental when I ‘lost’ it.

    I talked with him a few minutes ago.
    I asked him what he had planned for our vacation.
    He said he was taking me to Atlantic City since I like Vegas so much.
    I asked “Is that why you were working so much?”
    He said “yeah, vacations cost alot of money”.

    I don’t feel bad coz he could sell 1 of his 3 vehicles, than he could afford vacation without having to work so much and not have time for me.
    I’m worth intimacy time all year round, not just on vacation 2 or 3 weeks a year…

    I didn’t say that to him. I didn’t say anything.
    Learning to step back and sink into my feelings 1st.

    It’s up to him to figure out how to balance his life.

  425.  #425Turquoise on August 7, 2012 at 7:07 pm


    I was bragging on FB about what an amazing job Mr. Conversation did on my website, and he posted this:

    Camile gives me too much credit. This was her vision. I just wrote the code to make it happen. She has such a passion for what she does and so many great ideas. I’m looking forward to watching her business really take off!

    I feel smiley 🙂

  426.  #426LiliBee on August 7, 2012 at 7:08 pm


    Dancing Siren,

    You were very classy in your impulsiveness.
    You didn’t go to him and slap him.

  427.  #427LiliBee on August 7, 2012 at 7:10 pm


    Turq, I am meeelllllting like ice cream in a heat wave hahhhhhhhh 🙂

  428.  #428Belle on August 7, 2012 at 7:11 pm

    Aargh, and now I feel regret, I wanted to tie in Iamabutterfly’s post with more of what I’ve learned and…and…and…it is SO time for bed.

    Wow. I’ve always wanted to write and I never understood how people can just keep churning out articles and books and posts and now I know.

    When my creative energy isn’t tied up in traumaland or fantasyland endlessly replaying the past or making up fake futures with unavailable men and spending all of my time ruminating over them and fantasizing about how I’ll get the next crumb of attention, well, wow! I feel inspired all over the place!

    Must. Stretch. and. Sleep.

  429.  #429Dancing Siren on August 7, 2012 at 7:12 pm


    I might well have done, or at least wanted to, if I had seen him!

    But yeah, I think you are right to look into that. No need to beat yourself up… its just obviously something that did not make you feel good in the doing.

    And it seems like there was a lot of built up frustration there.

    I am experiencing that too.

    Which would indicate over-investment in a man I think.

    What do you think honni?


  430.  #430Turquoise on August 7, 2012 at 7:13 pm

    Lillebee, I missed the post where you said you slapped him. 🙁 I did that to C once when we were dating, so not a proud moment. Ugh. He did forgive me though. I remember thinking it made such a loud noise, it shocked me.

  431.  #431LiliBee on August 7, 2012 at 7:15 pm



    Happy and carefree!
    I’m setting my intentions to be happy and carefree 🙂

  432.  #432Dancing Siren on August 7, 2012 at 7:17 pm

    Also, I was probably way too fast and impulsive locking him off my facebook friends list!

    I H8TE it when guys do that to me.

    I was feeling angry, and anyway its done now…

    It was also an attempt to end contact of sorts, but completely ineffective as I will have to see him at work tomorrow and also he has been texting me all day.

    I feel like and impulsive child.

    And I just couldn’t face the thought of feeling connected to him in that way too, and knowing that everything I posted he would see, and then feeling tempted to use that to try to influence the outcome of the situation.

    Basically, all stems from feeling too invested.

    And its all ok.

    I love my passionate, caring, invested, impulsive self!

  433.  #433Femininewoman on August 7, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    Belle your story brought tears to my eyes as I remembered my miscarriage of the first pregnancy. I have not thought about it for years. I believe it was a stress related reaction of my body.

    BW him inviting you to the gym could just mean he wants companionship. I would not assume anything if I were you

  434.  #434` on August 7, 2012 at 7:20 pm


    418 – What does that mean, yes I should?

  435.  #435Radlove on August 7, 2012 at 7:21 pm

    418 – You mean I should?


  436.  #436Femininewoman on August 7, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    LiliBee what I don’t like about the slapping, is that it sends kind some kind of message to the Universe. One of them is I am inviting others to slap me around.

  437.  #437LiliBee on August 7, 2012 at 7:24 pm


    Yep, I felt really guilty about it.

    Tonight he says he still loves me with teary eyes.

    I think that the best thing would be for me to stay away until he figures out how he can have some alone intimate time with me all year round, not just on vacation 2 or 3 weeks a year.

    An FM just popped in my head. A draft version that needs reworking, but here goes:

    – I feel disconnected when we don’t spend alone time together regularly.
    I don’t feel safe and trusting without that connection.
    That makes me feel cold and distant.
    I don’t want to feel that way with you.
    What do you think? –

    I don’t feel good about the ‘trusting’ word here, it feels off.
    There something about that whole sentence that feels ‘off’. hmmm.

  438.  #438Linda on August 7, 2012 at 7:24 pm

    Receiving Girl Thank you for taking the time to comment to me. I do feel very differently. I am in a much better place than I was. I still have my moments but they are fewer and fewer. My focus is different now. I just did not realized how much energy I had given and focused on my last man and the relationship… it was like a black hole. There was no end to what he would take and it just never was enough. Wow makes me so tired thinking about it.

    You comment in 304 struck me as a man who is speaking in feeling messages only with a mans touch. Two things come to mind. 1) If it feels draining to us to accomodate a need like that in a man… *cause is it uncommonly expressed. Then I wonder how much of a drag or burden it is for a man to be with a female needing it. hmmmm Perhaps that is yet another good reason for us to have good things in our lives that make us happy when we are in our relationships so we wont be so needy with them. and….. 2) Female energy from this man triggers different emotions in me. The biggest is simply wanting to affirm him and nurture that vunerable part in him (if I had those types of feelings for them that is). Possibilities for a lovely dance there in my opinion.

    Speaking our partners/friends love language to them even though it is not the one we speak well or primarliy will go miles in deepening a connection on lots of levels. Often doing it with no hopes of getting anything in return holds the biggest blessings for both the giver and the receiver.

    The idea of dancing back and forth with “my man” likes this makes me all goose bumpy and excited, soft and melty. mmmmmm I want him to feel that same way too.

  439.  #439LiliBee on August 7, 2012 at 7:26 pm


    Oh yeah, bad agressive violent energy.

  440.  #440Radlove on August 7, 2012 at 7:28 pm

    My cat is pregnant, and yesterday morning she broke her water. it has been going on 2 days and no kittens. I think they are stuck in her. I am seeking help but so far no help. I sure don’t need this on top of everything else. I feel like I’m in a freefall and I’m crashing and I can’t stop it.

    Last night I had a dream that my Mom and a friend were in the car. We were going to a church, and the road there had a climb that was totally at a 90 degree angle to the horizon, and we started falling backward, the whole car, and it was going to hit the ground. Somehow we didn’t die. But that feels like my life right now. Impossible.

  441.  #441Linda on August 7, 2012 at 7:28 pm

    431 dancing siren…. I will say this for you:

    Dancing Siren is High Quality !
    Her boundries are Strong
    Dancing Siren is strong in her Mind, but in her heart she is soft and welcoming…

    Please dont back track…second guess. Implusive I think not. How many do overs is too many? All of them!


  442.  #442Butterfly wings on August 7, 2012 at 7:33 pm

    FW I know there’s nothing behind his invite. He’s still not sure about us and probably won’t be sure until I’ve worked out what’s wrong with me.

  443.  #443Linda on August 7, 2012 at 7:34 pm

    435… Lilbee says ” don’t feel safe and trusting without that connection ”

    How about…I dont feel calm and at peace or I flip it an say how you do feel in place of it….something like that?

    What do you think?

  444.  #444Vi on August 7, 2012 at 7:40 pm

    Oh i slapped men a couple of times .. i didn’t remember feeling any guilt, i remember feeling relieved… anyway it hasn’t affected any of my relationships ..
    For me it was lack of boundaries. Since i’ve got boundaries i feel strong enough inside to take care of myself, i don’t feel need to slap anyone to define my boundaries and express hurt. i would just say ‘it feels bad i don’t want to … ‘ and walk away to take care of myself.
    Recently I went to the hotel for a couple of nights when i felt my boundaries were not honored. I even made a plan where and how i could rent an apartment and what i would do next… then my man chose to honor my boundaries and my terms and i agreed to come back and continue healing : )

  445.  #445Linda on August 7, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    If I had a man that I cared for, even with difficulties between us ….. look at me with tears in his eyes and tell me he still loves me… I would probably melt into a big puddle and I would have to be mopped up!… Maybe he could be the mop. Sounds healing delicious !

  446.  #446Turquoise on August 7, 2012 at 7:46 pm

    Thanks Lillebee 🙂

    I already got an order and a request for a gift certificate! 🙂 I’m so grateful he made me this site. It’s going to really help me grow my business!

  447.  #447Linda on August 7, 2012 at 7:59 pm

    I realised today that when I was at the concert last night… my vibe and energy attracted the attentions and affection of a man…..(even though I am not really into him). It was the kind of attention I want from a man though. hmmmmm

    Perhaps my vibe IS really changing! I want to be magnetic… I have been purging in my life. i.e. my house, stuff in the attic etc etc. I feel like I been intuitively been clearing space for my …. well something good for me.

    I am beginning to feel expectant now and even more on my path.

  448.  #448Carlie on August 7, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    Sirens, I am new here 🙂 Can anyone pls look at my post #195? It just got through moderation even though I posted last night.

    I’m sitting here crying feeling so hopeless about dating and love and marriage. Like it won’t happen for me and I’ll miss out on having kids to boot. Not a very sireny vibe at all I know. How do I get back on the CD train when I feel like I’ve already met the perfect guy for me? (Who isn’t so perfect because he’s not ready to commit.) I just signed up for POF today (I’ve been on Match a few months) but it’s slim pickins on both sites, I guess because it’s summer…

    I don’t know what to do to get out of this depression about men and feel happy again. I was soooo happy when I met Lawyer and then I got burned so badly. 🙁

  449.  #449Femininewoman on August 7, 2012 at 8:03 pm

    LiliBee I believe I would include some of the following “I am just a girl here and like every other girl I need attention to feel connected and turned on.

    I feel safe and connected when a man keeps his word. I feel myself getting excited with expectations when I get a promise to spend quality time together. When it doesn’t happen I feel all crummy and angry.

    I am the kinda girl who needs quality time to feel really loved.

  450.  #450MissStix on August 7, 2012 at 8:08 pm

    Somehow storms like the one raging outside right now seep into me, and connect me with reality. They clear my mind and remind me of who I am at a very raw and basic level.

    I feel like running free in the rain and absorbing the power of it.

    I feel silly and wild excitement every time the thunder claps. I giggle and whoot and G looks at me like he’s in love with a lunatic!! 😀

    What a gorgeous day!

  451.  #451Femininewoman on August 7, 2012 at 8:10 pm

    Carlie do you have Rori’s Reconnect Your Relationship?

  452.  #452Carlie on August 7, 2012 at 8:23 pm

    449 – Femininewoman

    Thanks for responding to me 🙂

    No, I haven’t purchased anything yet. They recommended Commitment Blueprint to me but I’m still mulling it over. Do you have that one?

    As for “reconnecting” the relationship… I don’t know, I just feel like there’s not much I can do that wouldn’t be chasing him at this point… I mean, his behavior pretty much sucks. (Yet I still want him… ugh.) I just refuse to reward him by chasing and mothering him.

    Also who knows when he’ll next pop up even. He goes MIA for weeks and then suddenly burns up my phone, Facebook… even winked and messaged me through this last time. (I HATE that he’s on Match but what can I say when I was the one to get out of exclusivity way back in May.) But his message through Match just said “YOU ARE FREAKING GORGEOUS” so not much to work with there, although I did reply back re-stating my boundary about casual sex just in case he didn’t remember what I said over the phone.

    I’m just in shock I guess that a guy can go from talking about rings to treating like some random chick he wants to bang. WTF??

    I just want him to either step up to the plate or get out of my head so I can feel hopeful and happy about other guys… this periodic contact from him is keeping me in a horrible limbo state where I feel so helpless.

  453.  #453Turquoise on August 7, 2012 at 8:30 pm

    Hey sirens….. if any of you happen to place an order on my website, please don’t mention the blog! Mr. Conversation will do maintenance work on my website and links the emails to a gmail account, which he has the password for… don’t want him to find out about my blog posts! Thank you 🙂 you can email me at with privacy. Thanks again! I just got my first order and it’s a big one! 🙂

  454.  #454Memulo on August 7, 2012 at 9:04 pm

    Your website looks amazing! One thing I would add is your photo.

  455.  #455Memulo on August 7, 2012 at 9:07 pm


    Too bad you’re far away;) Your confections look so feminine and yummy!

  456.  #456bloom-ing on August 7, 2012 at 9:34 pm

    carlie, is there a way you can just see his bursts of contact as handfuls of glitter – pretty, entertaining, fun, hopeful, nostalgic…. but not necessarily “valuable” – more a Symbol for Real Wealth…….. a sign of good things to come : )

    i’d feel exhausted trying to “be good” or something to “win” the hand of a Man – those men are so Weird, i give up trying to control or “get” them…. i don’t get it & i don’t mind : )

    goodnight : ) sorry if i’m rambling at you, i feel sleepy : )

  457.  #457siren song on August 7, 2012 at 10:13 pm

    my new CD is adorable…he emailed me today: ‘i thought about you ALL DAY’…i need to give him a name..countrycd? he’s from the country.

  458.  #458Butterfly wings on August 7, 2012 at 10:28 pm

    Ummm some guy friend of mine who I’ve never had a romantic interest in has asked me if I would go for a drink with him.

    He just said “It’ll be great seeing that beautiful face of yours again… 🙂 x”

    Wish I was even remotely interested – that’s the kind of stuff I feel both uncomfortable to hear, and delighted to hear.

    My discomfort probably stems from my NV’s that are going crazy right now. My first thought was “Beautiful?? Me??? Not likely!!!”.


  459.  #459Carlie on August 7, 2012 at 10:35 pm

    454 – Bloom-ing

    Haha re: glitter… that would be a MAJOR 180 in my mind from how his reaching out makes me feel now (insulted, disappointed, wanting more, longing for him…). Not sure I can get there. I think I could if I hadn’t slept with him but once I have s*x I get REALLY attached. Especially given I thought I was going to marry him.

    I agree re: giving up control. It’s the only thing you can do with ALL men because they’re going to do what they want, when they want, and you can’t predict or even hope to understand them. You just have to surrender the outcome and have no expectations. I know this, I just struggle with it in practice when I had so many hopes and dreams tied up with Lawyer. I never actually even tried to “win” him or impress him, he just fell in love with my energy straight off the bat… which I guess is why it’s so hard to accept this now. What man could compare to that?!

    I flip back and forth between thinking of course he loves me and it meant something and he just needs to grow up a bit… and then wondering, now that he’s just trying for sex, if it ever meant anything at all to him. I guess trying to read his mind will make me crazy, so no point 🙁

  460.  #460ruth on August 7, 2012 at 11:14 pm

    thankyou ladies for your comments

    Belle, what a powerful few posts of yours

  461.  #461Lily Medusa on August 7, 2012 at 11:17 pm

    Carlie – you seem like a person who is serious about all this feminine energy stuff we’re into here, so I’ll be honest about what I’m seeing in your situation.

    First, the good news: You can and will feel better. You will feel awesome and strong and full of love. You will feel LOVED. If you’re a longtime lurker, you may be familiar with Starla’s journey over the past few months. I find deep inspiration from what she has experienced and the choices she has made to grow through it. I suspect her experience may resonate with you – check out her posts over the last few months if you haven’t already. If you are interested in getting to a strong, powerful place, keep doing Rori’s tools. I find that when I get back to the basics – especially giving myself permission to let whatever I’m feeling flow through me, as powerfully as it wants to – I feel luscious and deserving and powerful and completely in tune with myself, and good men come out of the woodwork to give to me. When I’m in my feminine energy, I feel totally able to manage the stresses that otherwise I would fixate on. Including and especially man drama. I’m confident this same thing can happen for you if you’ll really give yourself to yourself.

    This second part isn’t exactly bad news, it’s just my take on a phenomenon I’ve observed. May I point something out about male behavior? This sporadic poofing and then recontacting are what men do when they have no intention of moving FORWARD with you, but don’t want to let you go completely. Men know that when a woman CARES about the relationship, sporadic contact keeps her in a constant state of limbo. They may not consciously admit – even to themselves – that they’re doing it on purpose, but they DO it, and they KNOW what it does to us. I see so many women, sirens and otherwise, falling for this. Men justify this behavior in all kinds of ways, and that’s fine for them. But is it fine for you? Obviously not.

    I’m not saying he will never have any intention of moving forward with you. But if he’s ever going to be ready, doing Rori’s tools are the surest way to allow that to happen.

    I’m not telling you to do this or that specific thing. I’m suggesting that you get in really close contact with your feelings about your own emotional state in this situation… and speak about it fearlessly, to yourself first, and then to him as appropriate. Your inner “boy” will know what to do to make Carlie feel better. Listen to Carlie.

  462.  #462Lily Medusa on August 7, 2012 at 11:24 pm

    …Annnnnnd I’m going to bed.

    (((Lily Medusa)))

  463.  #463ruth on August 7, 2012 at 11:34 pm

    LM, what an insightful post

  464.  #464Carlie on August 7, 2012 at 11:54 pm

    459 – Lily Medusa

    Thanks for the tip about Starla. I’m not familiar with her story so will go have a search. 🙂

    Yes I am feeling my feelings and giving myself permission to feel sad and scared and all of that. I just don’t know how I’ll get from this patch of depression to feeling good again – this thing with Lawyer has really broken my spirit. And I feel like to attract a good man you have to be in love with yourself, like you don’t need them to make your life great – your life should already be great and he is just a bonus. This is how I was when I met Lawyer. I was on top of the world. Now I feel like my energy is all wrong… to attract him back OR anybody else. It’s awful!

    By the way – and this is just me – I don’t really resonate with wanting to feel powerful and strong. Feminine yes. But those other words feel masculine to me. I want to be receiving and cherished and given to by a man. 🙂 But I don’t want to be in control and calling the shots.

    As for the poofing and re-contacting yes you are correct… all men want harems. They have huge egos and like to think every girl that ever loved them they could get back. When they are not ready for commitment (but know that you are), they periodically check back in to make sure you are still there, aren’t angry with them, etc. I know this is what Lawyer is doing to me. I was just surprised that he’s not even willing to take me on a date! I told him I was happy to date him and others while he decided whether he could take it to the next level… I never imagined he would turn it into just trying to get s*x from me now. 🙁

    Anyway despite that I am actually ok with him flowing in and out of my life… just because a guy isn’t ready TODAY doesn’t mean he won’t be at some point in the future. Not that I want to hang on to false hope, but if I’m still single if/when he becomes ready, then why not be open to that?

    I know it’s easier to slam the door shut in self-protection but to me that is controlling the relationship, which is masculine. I just need to take care of ME and that’s what I’m struggling with. I’m so bonded to him and don’t have any good CDs that I’m feeling this way…. and I feel just blah about my life in general, like I’m overly focused about finding a relationship and worrying about my biological clock, etc. Money is tight and I’m not having much FUN lately. Plus most of my friends are in relationships and tend to drop off the radar so I feel like I need a girlfriends revamp as well. 🙁

    Hope I didn’t ramble too much there, it helps just to write this out! xo

  465.  #465Butterfly Wings on August 8, 2012 at 12:29 am

    462 Carlie – that’s what I do – I slam the door to protect myself… And yep you’re right, it is masculine.

    My controlling nature is apparent more often than I thought… interesting…

  466.  #466Daria on August 8, 2012 at 12:38 am

    Thanks Lily Medusa I feel honored

  467.  #467ruth on August 8, 2012 at 12:48 am

    I never thought of my withdrawing as “masculine”

    But, now you put it like that


  468.  #468ruth on August 8, 2012 at 12:50 am

    Carlie, it sounds as though you know excatly what to do
    Just a case of doing it

    I learn so much from this blog

  469.  #469Sirenity on August 8, 2012 at 12:53 am


    Sorry to read your story.
    This is truly an imaginary relationship.

    If he isnt in front of you its not real.

    If you are thinking of him a lot and imagining happy endings then its his potential that you are attached to and not his reality.

    His behaviour is a sure sign of his unavailability. The crash and burn technique means he cant do relationship now with you . He wants to keep his options open in case he can get some “goodies” in the future. This has nothing to do with an actual relationship. Ever. There is no relationship to reconnect here. Chit chat about marriage on the second date is a red flag, not a relationship.

    He is disrespecting you , he is trying to use you and is playing games with you while you have not yet withdrawn from the ring .

    There is only one word for this situation… “NEXT!!!”

    I do congratulate you on holding your boundaries around booty calls and exclusivity and i would encourage you to walk away now as you are losing a lot of energy here. This means no contact in my book. Nil.

    Change your number.

    I speak from experience .

  470.  #470Daria on August 8, 2012 at 12:55 am

    Withdrawing … Walking away doesn’t feel masculine

    ‘ending it’ and pushing a man away with directives yeah

    I don’t think we’re a match –>. I’m feeling unheard and furious

  471.  #471Sirenity on August 8, 2012 at 1:44 am

    I agree Daria that walking away doesnt feel masculine energy. It feels like taking care of myself first and focusing on my mental health and well being.

    Being feminine is not the same as being weak or passive or being at the mercy of users and manipulators.

    To me it feels very exhausting to wait around for a bad man who is neglecting me and cant do relationship, just wasting away and hurting endlessly inside . This feels very unfeminine to me. I feel feminine when i am receiving good energy from men, receiving loving actions and care and being “watered” by good men. Then i blossom.

    If you feel bad all the time when thinking of or interacting with a man then its not a good place to be and is potentially very harmful to stay there .

  472.  #472Radlove on August 8, 2012 at 1:51 am

    Let him vent…

    Understand Men Tip #43

    A man will stop talking rather than risk a woman’s
    passive or outright wrath.

    Give him save space to share and vent when he needs
    to and you will create MUCH healthier communication
    and a much healthier relationship.

    Although women have opinions just like men do,
    sometimes it’s best to allow him this freedom without
    interjecting it.

    Sending you smiles,

    Jonathon Aslay

  473.  #473Sirenity on August 8, 2012 at 1:52 am


    “I just want him to either step up to the plate or get out of my head so I can feel hopeful and happy about other guys… this periodic contact from him is keeping me in a horrible limbo state where I feel so helpless.”

    May I suggest he isnt going to get out of your head till you put him out by ending all contact. And you are right, not doing so is holding you attached to him and not open for love and a family.

    As for him stepping up …unlikely as it is , the best chance is by disappearing from his life. if he has any interest he would come looking. But how could you ever believe him again or trust his intention??

    Intermittent positive reinforcement is used in torture for a confuses and disorients the victim into a “horrible limbo state of helplessness. ”

    I am cheering for you ! I am sure you can step into your feminine power of choice and open yourself to reciveing other good men.

  474.  #474Smile on August 8, 2012 at 2:02 am

    I feel teary this morning

    I live in the house we were meant to live in together

    I sleep in the bed that belongs to him

    I watch a tv that is his too

    I have boxes of his things in the spare room

    For 9 months they have been here

    I have been in a constant battle with him to pick stuff up

    I don’t need his furniture

    I contacted him to say I had a new tv and he could take his back. He said it’s ok he didn’t need it at the min.

    He picked some stuff up but said he wouldn’t take it all so he would have to come back

    I’ve managed to get the key from him

    The house deposit is still in joint names. But when I finally leave here it will go to his bank account

    I feel like while I’m still in this house I’m still attached to him

    I need to move to detach myself

  475.  #475Radlove on August 8, 2012 at 2:04 am


    ” this thing with Lawyer has really broken my spirit. And I feel like to attract a good man you have to be in love with yourself, like you don’t need them to make your life great – your life should already be great and he is just a bonus. This is how I was when I met Lawyer. I was on top of the world. Now I feel like my energy is all wrong… to attract him back OR anybody else. It’s awful!”

    I relate to so much of what you said. I don’t have any solutions but I sure feel your pain. For me, I find it impossible to get off the roller coaster. I feel so attached to R, and I crave him like a drug.

  476.  #476Smile on August 8, 2012 at 2:04 am

  477.  #477Rebecca on August 8, 2012 at 2:10 am


    You sound very confused. It sounds a very difficult situation for you. Don’t beat yourself up that this isn’t ‘resolved’. It may not be resolved over night. You have deep feelings involved whether it is the perfect relationship or not. Be easy on yourself. Hope things go okay.


  478.  #478Smile on August 8, 2012 at 2:11 am

    Feeling trapped in this pattern brought me to the blog in the first place.

    I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress on this matter

    He still talks about me being his future and constantly wants to try again

    I want to be someone’s here I now

    I need to detach myself from this pattern

    The only way I can see to do it is to move

    My contract is up in November

    I will leave then

    Then I will be ready to cd

  479.  #479Radlove on August 8, 2012 at 2:12 am



  480.  #480Rebecca on August 8, 2012 at 2:12 am

    I feel very confused and scared today, and it is alright for me to feel like that. I embrace my feelings… Love ro myself… Mmmmm…

  481.  #481Smile on August 8, 2012 at 2:13 am

    He’s hanging onto my saddle

    It’s so hard not to want closure

  482.  #482Smile on August 8, 2012 at 2:19 am

    Thanks radlove

    It’s a bad day for me today

    The feelings that I had when he first withdrew feel just as fresh as 9 months ago

    It would make it feel so much better if he just broke up with me, moved his stuff out etc

    But instead he’s still there saying he wants to be with me but having no actions to match this 🙁